5 Important Things About Pakistani Men

5 Important Things About Pakistani MenMeena, a commentator at Polygamy 411, shared with us 5 important things about Pakistani men. She based it on the true story of her involvement with one. He was her boyfriend. Her story is as follows:

I have been dating a Pakistani man for almost a year and half now. It’s been an interesting journey for both of us and lots of lessons learned along the way.

I met my boyfriend here in Australia; he has a permanent residency and has already applied for citizenship without any assistance from me.

We exchanged numbers when we met, but I only agreed to go on a date with him again after 1.5 months. Our first date was a breakfast meeting and I asked lots of questions about his family and his life.

I’ve also gotten to know his male cousins and friends really well. I’d like to share some insights that may help some of you who are considering going down this path.

If you’ve met him online, you definitely need to read 5 important things about Pakistani men

1) Never ever date a Pakistani man that you met online and is in a different country. They love to chat and play with women online with no intention whatsoever to turn it into anything serious. Except, of course, if they want sponsorship for a visa.

I know this because it’s what they talk about most when they’re together. They brag about how many they’re chatting with, and if they managed to get the girl to send them inappropriate photos and/or videos.

2) It’s been said here in this forum many times but I will confirm it: they lie big time about their family background, their qualifications, their jobs…and most of all, their marital status or future plans to marry.

To get to the truth, you must take time to get to know them. Insist on meeting their friends and family members. Ask to speak to friends and family in Pakistan via a video call and observe their surroundings when you do.

Speak to their friends without them being present. Ask a lot of questions and see if their stories marry up. If the man you want to date refuses to introduce you to any family member or friend, walk away!!!!!

I also offered help with completing forms that require their personally identifiable information, go with him to the bank, to the office of the company he works for, to his accountant/tax agent. I have access to his phone and his emails. He shows me his bank statements.

Learning their culture and religion is first and foremost of the 5 important things about Pakistani men

I learned about his culture and religion through reading, research, and speaking to experts in the community.

I must give credit to my boyfriend’s cousins and friends for helping me get to the truths about him and their culture. I’m fortunate that he counts some pious, honest men as his friends. So not all apples in the barrel are rotten.

3) Be very clear from the beginning that you will not agree to be in a polygamous relationship. Say this over and over again.

One year into the relationship, my boyfriend still blurted out that someday he will go and have an arranged marriage in Pakistan. Then he will come back and we will carry on as boyfriend and girlfriend. I think he thought I was so in-love with him that I was willing to give up my values.

So I broke up with him and refused to answer his calls. Guess what? My boyfriend was totally miserable to the point that he wasn’t functioning.

One of his cousins called their uncle, who is the head of their family here, and told him about me. Then the cousin also called my boyfriend’s mother in Pakistan to tell her what was happening and also pretty much all the family.

The uncle spoke to my boyfriend, and asked what he wanted. My boyfriend said, “I want to marry her.” So the uncle actually offered to come and see me. I refused because I didn’t want us to get that serious, but I appreciated the family’s response.

My boyfriend did persist and wait outside my house to speak to me until I decided to talk to him after 3 weeks. He said I was very strong, and that he wholeheartedly accepted that polygamy is not an option if he wanted me in his life.

In the 5 important things about Pakistani men, you know money has to be in there somewhere

4) Never ever pay for anything, except gifts on special occasions or maybe splitting costs for an expensive holiday or buying a house. It was his friends who taught me this valuable lesson.

I’m a very independent woman and this was hard for me to do. However, in their culture the man takes care of everything that his wife needs. Of course, I make sure that I only ask for things that are within his means and only for basic things like food, clothing and shelter. Or the occasional treat.

I know that he’s serious when he offered to let me take his bank card shopping without him. I’ve yet to take up that offer but it’s nice to know.

5) Keep all your finances and assets separate when you get married. Have a very solid prenup.

Remember that the way they view and manage assets is different from the Western way. All money and assets are owned by the whole extended family. The tribal leaders try to help and settle disputes, but there are a lot of secret deals going on. You can never ever change that and if you insist, they will just hide things from you.

My rule is that as long as he supports my desired lifestyle: food, clothing, shelter…I don’t care what he does with the rest of his money. A house under my name is one of my preconditions for marriage – he pays the deposit, and we jointly pay the rest.

Meena uses the 5 important things about Pakistani men to help make her relationship work

I know that I may sound heartless, but I do love my boyfriend. That’s why I’ve gone through all this trouble to make this relationship work. He is a very loving and generous person – he’s the one to call if someone needs to be picked up from the airport in the middle of the night or to the doctor. He readily parts with his hard-earned money if his friends need help. He gives so much emotional support when I have issues at work even if he has no clue about my job. We have a long way to go before marriage, but I have hope that this is for life.

Written by: Meena, our guest writer.

I thank Meena, the author of the article for sharing with us the 5 important things about Pakistani men. It was kind and thoughtful of her to write it.  I’m sure that it will help many. Read “Marry a Pakistani Man” to learn more about Pakistani men.

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69 Comments

  • Mari2

    July 7, 2017

    Aseiya,
    I enjoyed reading your comments. I agree that it is hard to become a Pakistani woman when one is raised in a far different way. On more than one occasion I said to my husband “I am not Pakistani and we are not in Pakistan! ” Mostly this was a response to some chiding by him of me “in Pakistan wives x,y, or z”

    Joint living is difficult even for the women raised in Pakistan and raised in joint living situations. There is among women in a joint living situation a myriad of inter family politics, gossip, grudges, yelling matches, backbiting, shifting loyalties, and a singular lack of privacy. It’s like living in a sorority house…with a bunch of kids to boot. The men are out all day chilling with their friends, or working, then come home to deal with petty arguments and real or imagined slights on the part of the women. It’s a wonder to me why these men think joint living is a good thing at all. Why is this a good thing? It’s madness I say.

  • anabellah

    July 4, 2017

    Aseiya,

    Thank you much for elaborating again about how you got involved with the the Pakistani Community . It reminds me that there was a few posts by commentators that I had missed reading days ago. I was going to go back and read them later, but forgot until now. Thank you for the reminder, as well 🙂 It was still good for you to repeat yourself. It’s helpful in getting your website out there.

  • Aseiya

    July 4, 2017

    @Annabella

    Hai Anna, thank you so much.

    Actually, I have told before in my previous comment that I’m married to a Pakistani man.

    And before my marriage, I have a lot of Pakistani and Indian friends and I got into Pakistani community in Australia. Therefore, I have learned South Asian culture in advance.

    But, no matter how much you learn their culture, when you jump into the marriage it’s really different from what you ever think.

    I thought like that before, I was thinking, “Yeah, it’s okay, I can adjust myself, I can follow their culture” but in fact, it’s really hard when you immerse yourself because they mostly expect you to turn yourself to be a Pakistani woman, which is impossible to do because we are not Pakistani. We were born and grew up in different society.

    Eventually, I came across Indonesian-Pakistan mixed marriage community through Facebook where I can find so many girls who feel the same like what I feel. Even from this community I can see the thing that I never expected that could happen before.

    Before that, I saw joint family was okay, but actually, it’s not always okay. In some cases it turned out to be a nightmare for the non-Pakistani wives with a lot of drama conflict same like in Indian movie. I realized all the things that I have studied about South Asian culture was just still the surface.

    I knew some bad things happened in Pakistan and India but I never thought It would happen to these non Pakistani women too, but it actually happened tho!

    Even we have story in community when the non Pakistani wife needed to give her own newborn baby to her sister in law because her sister in law can’t pregnant and her Pakistani husband couldn’t do anything. This rare tradition even happened.

    And Yes, there are some liberal and modern Pakistani too who have happy marriage life. Even some liberal Pakistani men also married to non Muslim and they stand by their wives side instead of their families but we can expect that we will find a Pakistani man like this who are the minority and are rare.

    For myself, I got so many benefits since I joined the community, it helps me a lot and I can get so many information from different point of view. From the happy marriage life to the bitter stories they have.

    And I decided to take your suggestion about having a website for our community because this community has been 11 years and it has developed a lot. Furthermore, since 1,5 years ago, we also have members from different countries not only Indonesian laddies. We have Latino, European, and even African-American members who are seeking for information about Pakistani man and Pakistani culture.

    I’m just happy when I can do something useful and helpful for others.

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2017

    Aseiya, Hi,
    Oooh, that was nice of you. Thank you much!

    Being that you are not Pakistani, nor married to a Pakistani man, how did you become interested in the subject and was driven to put together a community and developed a website for it? It’s an awesome website 🌟

  • Aseiya

    July 3, 2017

    @Fatima

    Hello Sister Fatima, actually there are a lot of language exchange website. I used to teach in one of those websites and you can pay around 7-10$ to get the native teacher service like translation, class etc.

    @Anabella

    Hello Anna I already put the links of your articles which related to our articles on Community’s website.

    Thank you in advance.

  • fatima sajid

    July 3, 2017

    brother Abdullah-Pakistani Thank you very much you offering me your help.

    sister Anabella I have to respect the policy. But I got the marriage certificate from the other wife with the comment ” translate it! It doesn’t need to be a rocket scientist to do, just find an Urdu speaker!. So kind of authorized….

  • anabellah

    July 3, 2017

    Brother Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum AsSalaam,

    It’s very nice of you to offer to help Sister Fatima with getting the Nikah documents translated. Although it’s the blog’s policy not to release emails, I gave it some thought. As much as I’d like to help her, I think it’s best I honor the policy. Most importantly, I don’t feel comfortable with us helping her to translate a personal document that’s between her husband and his other wife that Fatima wasn’t authorized to have. I hope she understands.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    July 3, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister FatimaSajid,
    Please email me the document, I will get it translated. I have gotten my own Nikah Document Translated few years back for visa processing. InshaAllah it is no trouble at all.
    I am with you my sister in Islam .. teach that lying piece of crap a lesson his whole family remembers for all times!!!
    AOA,
    Dear Sister Anabellah,
    Kindly share my email id or pass me her nikah document.

  • fatima sajid

    July 2, 2017

    Abdullah-Pakistani you are only one with this minde I ever met. All my respect are yours! May you can help me, I need translation from Urdu to English, but here nobody seems want or able to do. Do you know any online translation in Pakistan, please?

    Anabellah, thank, you. I will be here with an update. I never leave unpaid bills! I know how to pay to all of them… I wish if I was strong enough when I found out the whole shit(forgive my word)seems

    NovelKnot your stories are very thoughtful. I just don’t understand why Pakistani females are partner to all their relatives lie….they should fight and don’t just accept it!

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2017

    Maria,

    I’m with Aseiya; you should block him completely, so you’re not swayed by anything that he says. You could expect him to say all the things that you want to hear and believe. Don’t open yourself to temptation. Walk away completely. You best believe that he has no respect for you after you went to him and had a fling. You met him on the internet and traveled there alone to be with him. It was a no, no. There is no reversing it, but perhaps you could learn from it and not repeat it.

    I totally understand how you thought he was the man of your dreams. Now you know that what he does is routine. He’s the same with other women, and his intentions aren’t sincere.

    You’ve received good advice and you’ve seen for yourself what is going on, so you either leave him in the past or embark upon a life with him that doesn’t look very promising for you. In fact, it’s looking very bleak…

  • Aseiya

    July 1, 2017

    @Maria

    Hello maria, happ to hear that you decided to move on!

    As I said before your Pak man will find another one easily in 1-3 months. Trust me!

    The thing that made me know abt Pakistani is not bcz I married to a Pakistani but I have been immersing myself in Pakistani community.

    That’s why I know those Pakistani Romeo will find the new one easily. Furthermore they love chatting a lot!

    If you want to take my advice,
    You need to BLOCK all of his contacts, so he can’t contact you anymore.

    By this way, the process to forget him its quicker and easier.

    In Interracial marriage community with Pakistani that I have joined.

    Most of the broken heart women who did this, they have moved on! And For the women who didn’t, some of them gave up and came back to their Pakistani Romeo even they agreed to be a second wife although they got to know about what will happen to them in the future.

    Pakistani romeo’s tongue is poison it makes you drunk.

    So As I said if you want to take my advice it will be better for your moving on process.

    So the choice is yours!

  • Maria

    July 1, 2017

    Hi @ All
    Yes I am very thankful to all your concerns on me and advices. I am trying now to avoid him avoid answering his calls, replying on his crying voice messages and overwhelming heart melting messages. He also said that if i cannot come this July to meet his family in Dubai no more chances for our relationship he also said oppurtunity never knocks twice and time will not wait for anyone but his love will always and still remain on his heart that i will remain forver in his heart. How contradicting his words are really. I also used dummy IG acc. to ask him and pretend to be other girl. I ask him if ur girl ask u to come PH will u? then he said he cannot come bec. he doesnt have any paper with that girl to prove that they r married. He said he wants marry first in Dubai beforethey go Pak and PH. then he will say he love me. How contradicting his statements are. Now I am swallowing all my emotions, tears and heartache. I dont xonsider myself as judgemental but i dont want also to be blinded with love which soon may risk also my marriage life with a wrong man.
    I am reading and reading blogs in net about pakistani man but most of all has tragic and heartbreaking results at the end. Only they are good at first but then they engage in polygamy. even he said that from his grandfathers to his father they do not do polygamy and only 1 wife. I still dont believe bec. he just said it. im not being cruel for my love to him but i am protecting myself also.
    I hope i can continue to refuse and resist myself to him. he said he loved me alot but he blocked me first at whatsap and viber I ask why u do he said he is hurt of me not attending and giving replies thats why he did. I dont know with him but i will really try and do my best to move on from him.Even I am so broken now.and as much as I wanted to be with him and to give him my pure love but im afraid that someday I will experience all what ive read here in blogs and i dont want to see myself that next year if I go with him now, that I am the one hu will blog against him and experience all negative true to life blogs here. I should be cautious of him and will do my best to forget all about me and him.

  • Rosa

    July 1, 2017

    Maria you said he checked your IP address. Girl if that alone doesn’t creep you out, the fact he can pinpoint your exact location I don’t know what will

  • Rosa

    July 1, 2017

    OmG these Pakistani men are crawling everywhere, they’re like a cancer. But they can only be blamed a few percent. Allah tells us to INVESTIGATE. Women need to stop believing everything a stranger they met on the internet says. Be very careful these men cannot only be manipulative but they can be cold blood killers, rapists. Maria the signs are quite clear. Be thankful you were warned before marrying this guy unlike Gail who already had a child which I’d think made it that much harder to leave her husband. He has already had premarital sex with you which is breaking countless different rulings of Islam so why does he care if you convert or not. Like the others said it’s culture not Islam.

  • Leigh

    June 30, 2017

    We have only been married for about 3 months. I am the second wife because his parents secretly married in Pakistan in 2013, after we had been together for 6 years by that point. Story I have been told is his father did the paperwork to bring her here 2 years ago without my husband’s knowledge she was coming. His brother was trying to get him an abondment divorce but the father want $20,000 so some how he got her here. Then threaten my brother in law and my husband to “ruin” their lives so the father told my husband’s wife all about me. When that didn’t work he said to my husband, I am going to “destroy you” he was coming to tell me, but I got diagnosed with cancer, so he didn’t tell me anything. My husband had a daughter with his wife, she’s 1 year. I live 2 hours from him, he never stays the night with me, nothing in our relationship is equal… nothing! I have prayed, I have tried to be patient, he doesn’t even come to see me I make the drive, sometimes I even pay for my own hotel room! When we married I was promised 1 night until I moved which is supposed to be August, but he has made comments that lead me to believe I will be staying where I live now. I am calm when I talk about these issues, I wait until he is gone to cry, his first wife is very much aware she “shares her husband ” and since I converted she has a strong suspension that we are married. I asked him, if you knew you couldn’t be equal, then did you marry me he says “I love you more than my child’s mother, losing you was not an option”…. I know this is selfish for me to say, but I am hurt, I pray constantly Allah we help me through this, but the pain and emptiness I feel is unbearable! I did ask someone for guidance and she said, finding the way to handle this without divorce is my only option. May I also add, when I do come in to see him, he still leaves me for 4 to 6 hours while he goes home. He also said he is tired of lying to his first wife, I asked him, then just tell her the truth but he says she doesn’t want to go back to Pakistan, and he “doesn’t want the headache ” he will deal with by telling her….. I am sorry to say I am broken!

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello, All,

    I’m trying to get here in between doing a lot of stuff.

    @Maria,

    I’m happy to hear your love for Romeo is lessening. I hope that soon your eyes will be wide open, so you could see clearly what is going on with the person whom you thought was prince charming. If what you’ve read here from everyone and what you discovered by pretending to be someone else while communicating with him online doesn’t wake you up about him, I don’t know what will.

    You definitely should not take the Shahadah (vow to become Muslim) to marry that man or for any reason other than to live the religion. When someone takes that oath the person has made a covenant with Allah. The person must do everything they can to live the Quran and believe ALL that is in it. I suggest you not take that oath without sincerely wanting to live Islam unless you want to incur the wrath of Allah, and His punishment is severe!

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Natalia, Welcome https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Nice to meet you. Welcome and thank you for imputing. I appreciate you sharing your view.

  • Natalia

    June 30, 2017

    Maria, you should check if he has an account in vk (vkontakte) as well. Bear in mind that if he has an account there, he’s definitely using it as a dating site, not social media. Most likely his friends will be hot russian girls and no men, especially from his country. After my experience with talking to pakistani men online and after I read all the comments here, I am convinced that 99% of them lie (I mean the ones that like to chat with foreign women, not all pakistanis).

  • Spirited

    June 30, 2017

    Salaam guys,

    @Maria, I just have to laugh at this point. Every one who has advised you really know what they’re talking about and I would STRONGLY recommend you dump this relationship for your own well-being. Like the ladies have mentioned, tears and crying are easy for Pakistani men. The entire region of India-Pak is very good at dramatics when they’re after something– not just the men, women too. As mentioned, they all can be one way o your face and really they’re something completely different behind your back.

    Another point, if you go to visit Dubai, you can get away with not wearing an abaya since you’re there temporarily as a non-Muslim visitor. But if you’re to live there, you better believe you’d be wearing the black cloth that covers you from head to toe (abaya). Dubai may be less strict than Saudi Arabia, but it’s still an Arab country and any woman that isn’t covered that way is considered impure, dirty, open-season, etc., etc. so, if you still want to think with your heart and sex organs, and go ahead to marry this fool even after so many different women don’t see any good in it and have warned you, then well, all I can do is laugh and hope you enjoy what you’re getting yourself into https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif. I mean seriously, Aseiya, Serena, Saira, Ana and even a rare Paki man, Abdullah have warned you to rethink this (or just think instead of using your feelings). There are other men out there, probably many good ones in your own country who might be Muslim or your own faith, it’s not worth it to deal with a foreigner.

    Finally, as Serena mentioned, if you wanted to convert, never convert for a man. Convert to Islam for you. Convert because you believe it and it’s coming from your soul and for your soul’s sake to trust that Islam is the final version of God’s guidance to humanity and that Jesus is NOT God’s son, but a prophet like many others before him. If you can’t do that, then your converting will mean nothing and you’ll likely just leave Islam after your marriage falls apart.

  • Maria

    June 30, 2017

    @serena@aseiyah@seira
    I think my brain is working now. I made a Dummy IG acc. with pictures of beautiful and sexy girl which I ask.from my bestfriend hu knowa my story. Juat this evening I just follow his acc. and Messaged him Hello. bec. i desperately want to talk wih him coz he blocked me.in whatsapp and viber where we use to communicate.
    I tot he will bot entertain me but he replied with Hi. How are u. I said Im fine. the said have u been in.dubai before, I said not yet. then he said I suggestvu visit Dubai its good tourist spot. I said i wil try but i dont have any friends there , then he said dont worry i am.here I can arrange all for you. i will book hotel for u or u stay in my flat. then.I said really? seriouly? then he siad yes if u want to.
    Really i think all of my love starting to slowly digest. Then after he said u not.seem in.korea mybebu in.PH i know that at that time he checkep my IP address as he can do bec. hes working on telecom company. then he opened up that he has a love in PH which left him hanging. But really I am hut again now knowing that he easily offer the girl to help him go Dubai and will arrange for her. really tHank u for waking me up!!!!Thanks u so.muvh.nowni can feel that my love for him is fading .

  • Serena

    June 30, 2017

    Walaikum Asalaam novalknot

    The stories you posted about how the men are going about polygamy is sadly very common.

    I know of many cases like the ones you described and it all boils down to the men not fearing Allah and lack of iman.

    I completely understand all you say about the Pakistani culture and all to often the men repeat the behaviour of their fathers. The men would be like that whether monogamous or polygamous because that’s just how they are.

    I feel for your mum she suffered all those years and now is probably tired of it all and so used to it and has accepted as a way of family life. Hope Allah makes it easy for you your siblings and your mum.

  • Serena

    June 30, 2017

    Maria

    You said the man is a supervisor executive have you confirmed this? How did he get the job and money to go Dubai? The reason is because they usually go and work there after taking out huge loans. Then most of what they earn is used to pay back the loan and any money left over is sent back to family in Pakistan.

    Do you know if he has a permanent job in Dubai. Does he have a contract? What happens when his visa in Dubai expires? Being a retired teacher is no big deal in Pakistan. In fact being to be a teacher in Pakiatan is not dificult. A lot of woman choose to become teachers as it is quite easy to qualify as a teacher. Have you verified his brother’s and dad job? Why did he decide to go Dubai instead of following his brother’s footsteps or why not help his dad’s business?

    I have a suggestion and that way you will know how serious he is. Tell him to come to Philippines with his mum and sis in law (bhabi) to meet you there. They don’t have to come for that long.

    Why does he want you to convert because he is not doing islamically correct with his whole relationship with you especially as he spent time alone with you and wants you to come over again.

    DO NOT CONVERT JUST TO MARRY A MUSLIM. I hope you do convert inshaAllah and that it’s for the right reasons.

    Last point are you the first woman in his life? How do you know he hasn’t got other girlfriend’s? What if he is actually already married or engaged? How have you got proof?

    Listen to what the others have said in replies to you.

  • Serena

    June 30, 2017

    Salam

    Ana

    Thanks for posting my reply on the correct thread.

  • Saira

    June 30, 2017

    Sister Maria
    As a Pakistani woman and as being second wife of Pakistani man I don’t want to hurt you but my loyal advic to you don’t marry any man othert then in your cast.
    Pakistani man 100%one point will want to marry Pakistani wife or cheat you behind your back
    Very rare when people marry in mix culture have a good life
    I only seen that in England where some of my cousins married. To white lady but both had been married before or work in high profession
    Some of them are doctor and engineer and very well modern and not so much religious and namaz is out of way only they read on eid kind a thing so you. Can tell they adapt western values over religion and culture
    But man marrying a white women old anties and grannies will be in back to find girl from pak to fix the issue lol
    I love my husband so much where I say I have not seen any man standing up for wife but h is the man always ready to help
    But I will give up on our marriage when I don’t see healthy kids enviourmwnt for my babies
    My husband is loving person and he love me so much but I don’t like all politic hope all things settle some point but I dont like interfarance
    I am thinking selfish but I don’t want my daughter to grow up and she feel sad for me
    What ever I do and make every one get jealous I understand co being jelous but when she does so unfair family support her and hubby to keep all happy make them happy
    I want to have healthy life style for my family
    Polygamy is another thing and surviving in Pakistani culture is one thing
    I don’t like sitting and gossiping about any one I want to raise my kids out of all these stupid culture and for that I will if I have to sacrifice my love
    Love is very little word to describe what I do and feel for my husband and what h feel for me but next generation wont have to suffer coz of my love
    I am telling u all this because you can think openly
    A man crying is doesn’t sound strong enough to me
    He is clearly forcing you
    If he is so much in love vd you his parents should have contac you and ask you to marry him and all
    He is just trying his luck I don’t know about your situation or his but I read your some of post
    Forgive me if I didn’t understood any thing and gave u wrong advice

  • Aseiya

    June 30, 2017

    @Maria

    Hello Maria I will make it more clear by breaking down your Pakistani man’s behavior.

    1. Independency

    Living separately from his parents, it doesn’t mean he is Independent from his family. As long as he still concern about what his family says, he concerns with his family pride and culture, he will bring gift or send the money to his family straight away whenever they ask for it, then he is not independent at all.

    For your case, you can’t be sure that he is independent from his family or not because what he gives you so far is just by his words. he haven’t proved anything to you. You live separately with him, so you don’t know how much money he spends for his family, how does he act to his family, how attach your Pakistani man to his mother, and many more.

    2. Social Media

    Having picture together with girlfriend is not part of Pakistani culture. Your Pakistani man can drink alcohol, can go for clubbing and have a lot of female friends, but he will NEVER ever put those shit pictures on his Facebook! you should highlight this. The are two-faced people.

    The pictures that they gonna put on their social media just their selfie picture or their picture with male friends in the park, on the car, in the mosque, on the street and any kind of place that suit for family. You will not find any pictures with girls, bar, nightclub and other shit places even though the Pakistani guys might have those shits picture on their cell phone.

    Why? when those shits picture leak to public, they gonna lose his family’s pride! People will talk about how shit they are. Consequently, the society will not honor their families anymore and their unmarried sisters will not get any prominent marriage proposals.

    Even when you marry Pakistani, mostly Pakistani will not put their wives’s pictures on their facebook. Because their wives are not for public!

    As I said before, can you accept Pakistani culture? Can you be a conservative lady?

    3. He asks you to put his picture but he doesn’t want to do the same thing

    I can see through this, that your Pakistani man already showed to you his dominant behavior. but you don’t notice this! After the wedding, trust me! he will be more dominant than before.

    The non dominant Pakistani man, will do the same thing. If he asks you to leave your male friends, you can asks him to leave his female friends too, and he will do that. If he asks you to put his picture on your social media, when you asks the same thing he will do that too. if not? he is just a dominant typical Pakistani man.

    So the next question is, Are you ready to leave with a dominant man? when he asks you to do something you have to do that but you can’t ask him to do the same thing. Are you ready for this? are ready to compromise everything?

    You should be more cautious about how dominant your Pakistani man will be after the wedding. Most of Pakistani man, think that the women are the second class. And unfortunately, you will find out how dominant he is after the wedding. The Pakistani man will show to you his real face after the wedding.

    So, if he already put so many rules on you before the wedding, and show his dominant behavior, better you walk away!

    Dominant men (not only Pakistani) incline to do domestic violence towards their wives. especially if the wife doesn’t want to do what he says.

    Most of domestic violence cases in our community are done by dominant Pakistani man.

    4. He is conservative by culture not by religion.

    you should note about this :

    “Muslim man can marry christian, jew and Muslim women”

    Modern Muslim Pakistani man will not ask you to convert because you are Christian, he will marry you straight away and ask you to learn Islam.

    Religious Pakistani man will only marry a Muslim woman. If you don’t want to convert to Islam by your heart, he will not marry you.

    How about your Pakistani man?

    I can say, he is not a modern Pakistani man and is not a religious Muslim man neither.

    The religious Muslim man will not invite you to spend private time with him in Dubai before the wedding.

    So why did he ask you to convert? because he is conservative his family is conservative. Period!

    Conservative in Pakistan is about their culture not because of Islam.

    Conservative Pakistani will ask their women to pray in their house while Islam allows woman to pray in the Mosque. So, nothing related to religion at all. They are just people in the box.

    so, once again. Are you ready to be a conservative wife?

    5. Pakistani man and his tears

    The one who acts and cries is not only your Pakistani man, Maria. Other Pakistan men did the same thing as well. But as I said, after you walk away and block all of his contacts he will find someone else in 1-3 months. He will come to to chat here and there and find another girl by online. They love chatting a lot!
    Even Plenty married Pakistani men still chatting with girls although the are married already.

    As I said over and over again. You shpuld thing about this with your BRAIN not your heart. Are you ready to change your life? are you ready 100% to accept his Pakistani culture?

    If you CAN’T then just walk away! so many good men out there!

    If you want to leave your Pakistani man, the ONLY ONE WAY is to block all of his contacts. Whats app, facebook. skype, cell-phone number, anything. Make sure that he can’t contact you anymore, if you don’t do this. he will try to contact you so many times, overwhelming you with a lot of sweet words and your heart will be melting again, your brain will stop working and you will go to his arm.

    @Anabella :

    Hai Anna, Actually I already shared your article’s link to our community members by whatsapp group.

    I will put more links from your website to our website which related to our articles.

    Thank you.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 30, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Maria,
    If he was that much in love and a man of honor why he had premarital relationship with you. Was he testing the ride before the purchase !!!
    As a muslim he was forbidden to do what he did and as a Christian you were supposed to protect your chastity. Now both of you have come closer because of this and have urges for each other that you think is manifesting in form of “LOVE”.

    What do you think a man who has so little regard for the Commands of ALLAH SWA the Creator and Sustainer of all things would remain faithful to a mere moral such as yourself ???!!!

    It is time for repentance and seek guidance from the Creator, our prayers are with you both .. May Allah SWA bless us all AMEEN… for we have sinned…

  • Maria

    June 30, 2017

    @ Aseiyah @ anabela

    Yes he said he is independent he lives in Dubai for 4 yrs. and he will sponsor me if I come again Dubai this July, bec. he invited his parents and bhabi to meet me. I also asked him what if they dont like me, he said they cannot do anumything bec. he choose me. He stand his self that no one can interfere in his family with his love on me. But as I am reading now I dont know but sad is I am so upset now with his culture and I am afraid that this things will happen to me. He said We will live Dubai and will just visit Pakistan and PH if we are married. He said he is not hidding but he is protecting me from their bad society it came to his mouth. that he doesnt want us live in Pakistan bec. he know that we will be happy if we will live alone Dubai. He also tell me that if he dont really love me why would he disclose me to his family ,friends, and work mates. But again the Social media thing, the thing that he cannot put our pic. as his DP really hurts me and his telling me put our pic as my DP in whats app and FB i tell him to do the same but he said after we marry we will put same. Do u think he is telling the truth? But really everytime hes sending voice hes crying and telling why I leaft hin hanging he ddit all and willing to do all for me. He also said that after we meet his parents we will marry same time in Dubai but have to change first to Muslim bec. I am Christian. But I am afraid also if is it really innate for Pakistani man not to be contented for their first love as other race do. He always tell me that he only want one thing from me which is sincerity. I know also his family is on good class in Pakistan, his mom is a retired teacher, 2 brothers are working on Government and his father has a photography business and he chose to live in Dubai 4 yrs. till now he lives indepently. Now he is requesting me to resign my job here in PH and told me we will live Dubai and will.marry also there and will go Pak and Ph after marriage. That was all his plan for us. and untill now hes sending me lots of voice msgs. Really dont know now.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Maria,

    It hurt my heart to read your post. It was so awfully sad. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    I’d say, if he means all that he says, then tell him that he must marry you NOW, not sometime in the future. Let him put his money where his mouth is, so to speak.

    Tell him that you will not return to Dubai to lay with him in sin. Furthermore, tell him that on your Facebook page you will announce your engagement to be married to him. Additionally, tell him that you will post the pics of your vacation on the Facebook page as well, when you announce your and his engagement. It would tell you just how much he loves you, can’t live without you and blah, blah, blah.

    Talk is cheap… I bet he’ll give you 101 excuses for why he can’t do it. It should be a clear indication to you about what is happening with him, his family and his culture.

    He may very well be in love with you, but it doesn’t mean that he will put you before his family/culture. If his parents have arranged a marriage for him, you best believe he will carry it out from what I understand of their way of life. Of course, Allah knows best!

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Aseiya,

    I changed the links in your post to make them permalinks (nicer to read). God Willing, you could put a link to this blog somewhere, anywhere, on your site or mention it time and again. Thank you. 🙂

    @All,

    FYI: For now, I’ve approved Aseiya’s links. It doesn’t mean that everyone could begin adding links to the posts. Someone added one the other day that I removed.

  • Aseiya

    June 30, 2017

    @Maria

    Hello again Maria,

    As I said before, the first thing that you need to ask to yourself is

    “Are you sure you can accept Pakistani culture 100%?!”

    Pakistani culture is the first issue that you need to face when you decide to go into marriage life.

    Polygamy it comes later on as long as he haven’t married to anybody yet (he is 100% single). So don’t think about Polygamy too much for now.

    We have plenty cases non Pakistani who married to Pakistani for more than 10 years in monogamous marriage as well.

    So again, ask yourself first

    1. Can you accept Pakistani family culture?
    2. Can yiu change yourself to be Pakistani woman?
    3. Can you leave your lifestyle, your male friends forever?
    4. Can you be a conservative woman?
    5. Can you be an obedient wife?
    6. Can you please and make all your Pakistani family members from mother in law to you sister in law happy?
    7. Can you make your Pakistani family member happy to have you in their family?
    8. Can you live in joint family?
    9. Are you willing to do house duty and being a servant to your Pakistani family?
    10. Are you willing to let your Pakistani husban give money to his family more than he give the money to you?
    11. Are you willing to put your own family to be your second priority and your Pakistani family to be your main priority?
    12. Can you be a good muslim and a modest woman?

    Ask these questions to yourself first! And all the details about being Pakistani’s wife you can read it here : Marrying Pakistan Man

    If you can handle with these issues then you CANNOT be a Pakistani’s wife and the risk you will be in Polygamous marriage life is high.

    As you can read on the “Marrying Pakistani website”

    “The bless from the mother is also important for the children. Choosing the prefect wife for the sons is also the mother’s job. Sometimes the mother will ask help to her sisters to get the perfect candidate for her sons.” ( Pakistani Family System )

    And like what I wrote about Monogamous marriage stories from 2 laddies for more than 10 years. They had investigated a lot about their Pakistani man and the Pakistani family.
    Likewise, all the family members agree and like them. So they got the bless already.

    Never ever to think about “unblessed marriage or run-marriage”!

    In some cases, the Pakistani husband are independent from their families. They rejected the arrange marriage and chose their own brides.

    In my case, My husband rejected 2 marriage proposals and he said to his mother that he wanted to marry me otherwise he would not marry anyone. Then the mother asked about my pictures, my background, my values etc. She even talked to me. I had a lot of conversations with the mother, father and even sister in law. When all family members like me and agree, we got married with bless.

    Another case, the lady married to Pakistani from Rajput clan. She is not pretty but she is a good Muslim. The Pakistani man and her have same perspective about Islam. The family members didn’t agree because Rajput clan only marries Rajput clan and she is also not pretty enough. Rajput clan is high caste in Pakistan and India. (Read more about clan and caste here :
    Caste and Clan in Pakistan

    But this Pakistani man rejected the culture and stand by her side. And this lady didn’t want to marry him if all the family members Didn’t bleass the marriage. It took 1 year to make all family members agree with the marriage.

    Eventually, they got married and when she came to Pakistan, all the family members accept her. Now they are in monogamous marriage for more than 10 years and have 3 children. They used to live in Joint family but then they moved to Arab. The Pakistani family visits them regularly.

    And the next question for you, “Is your Pakistani man stand by your side and has independency?”

    If you can’t change to be a Pakistani woman, if you don’t want to take care of your Pakistani family members, if you try to seperate your Pakistani man from his family, if you can’t win the Pakistani mother’s heart and if your Pakistani man doesn’t have independency then your marriage can turn to be polygamous marriage, the risk probably more than 80%. The Pakistani mother will do “wife replacement” if you can’t be a good Pakistani wife.

    So as I said, think about Pakistani culture seriously because Polygamy comes later.

    Most women think to far, they think about something else and they don’t put their concern to Pakistani culture more. This is absolutely WRONG! because the culture is the one that you will face and will be your main problem rather than polygamy.

    We have more cases the marriage ended because of Pakistani culture than polygamy. When the non Pakistani wife ran away from joint family system, they separated because of Pakistani dowry–Jahez, they wives flew back to their countries because of their husbands are so dominant and they got domestic violence physically and verbally. These cases are more higher than polygamy one.

  • Maria

    June 29, 2017

    @Anabelah @ Aseiyah

    My heart is really grieving noe to hear all of these things about them I thought he is the man of my dreams really we planned all that time until nownhe is waiting for me evryday sending voice msgs. all day crying he cant even go work whih i know bec. hes crying every hour hes sending me. I am really hurt really even I cannot open this that I am reading blogs about his culture and about pakistani man. As much as I want to be with him and i really love him I can say maybe i am weak that my emotion is over my mind today. I want to give him benefit of the doubt like what he is saying me that not all five fingers are the same in the world. Please help me really I cannot do my work every now and then hes on my mind before and after sleep even in my dreams. So sad that I cannot tell this to my family what im feeeling right now. Hes also hurt maybe bec. hes expecting me to come this july but til now i am.not giving any response, he live his 3 flats empty for me he ddnt want someone to interfere on us. I dint know he also bought all things for his flat bec. I am coming but i left him hanging. I am so hurt to know all of these but I know this is a sign for me to think twice or thrice before i jumped into our lifetime relationship. May I ask is there any chance that he will refuse to do his culture or having multiple wife or it will never happen? bec. now really i can feel that he is loyal and sincere but as I read here its all in first few times of relationship but later on pakistani man will do his culture and will obey family. Is it really true also that if he disclose to hisbfamily that he will have love marriage, he will not be allowed anymorr to go arrange marriage bec. he said he will bec. dirty in the eyes of his family. Please help me. really its like all is slapped on my face now. 😭😭😭

  • Saira

    June 29, 2017

    Salam sisters and brother abdullah Pakistani
    Belated eid Mubarak/ greeting to all
    Wish you all had great eid
    I didn’t read most of comments but look of it all seems true and sad🙈
    I agree with many of them in Pakistani culture culture rule over religion
    And one annoying thing about Pakistani culture is no matter if you live in shared family home or alone close relative do keep close eye on your personal matters
    I been living independent and after marrying my husband still I am we have seperate house but too much interfarance we get
    My husband is very soft hearted person and he prioritise his family over every one
    After my baby girl born I done very hard work to get their closeness I did get but I have seen wh ever they happy everything ok but if they not happy they like to critsized
    I have gain some self confidence now and now I do stand up for my self
    I have observe very closely as my husband been telling me from start why he is very unhappy vd his other one
    Most of things his sister and mother never let it fixed
    They my co is clever or dumb
    She was making them happy and getting away from many things
    Till now she does these dramas
    Now a days she is having so many problems and one big fight has happend over a ratling toy my husband bought for our daughter
    So now my husband always hide and lie to her and family what ever he does for us
    He planned dinner for us and suggest we hide and lie to family if they ask we say we were at home
    I said to him clearly I rather stay at home and eat alone then to lie and make your other one happy
    I use to lie as well to make her happy and every body peace free but
    I stop doing that
    She told me hubby don’t come near her and don’t love her
    My answer use to be different to make her feel batter but I felt as if she is asking and trying to find out how is our relationship
    I speak up and said I am more then welcome u and love to help you around house and u welcome my home any time but for me and her is best if she don’t ask about hubby at all
    I have to think clearly for my kids
    I rember jasmine from blog when she was depressed
    My kids. Need me healthy mentally I am developing mature attitude and I can’t. Be overly in love vd hubby and cry when he is not fair or don’t be around
    He tells me 24/7 he is madly in love vd me and this thing hurt badly
    Before I have baby my mind was clear to stand up on my feet and my moto is still same
    Am having every day as a bonus and going by Allah plan but deep down I can’t trust him
    Am mother and only thinking what’s best for my babies
    I love him to bits but I don’t want any of family drama around my. Babies so when things got too much I will think about my kids. Not how mandly my husband loves me
    Only Allah knows my destiny

  • novelknot

    June 29, 2017

    Salaam Serena,

    My mother is Pakistani as well and she and my father are not related in any way.

    Why does he treat her like that? Well that’s a loaded question. One that I’m not sure anyone other than he and Allah know for certain.

    Their marriage was not forced, instead was his choice. His sister was a friend of my mother’s sister. He saw my mom at a gathering and knew right away he wanted to marry her. His mother and whole family were very insistent that they wanted my mother. Their marriage happened very quickly as he was adamant that he wanted it to happen sooner rather than later.

    My mom says he did love her during the initial years of their marriage. Sure he had a temper, weird rules, sometimes physically abusive and then regretful, etc but that’s pretty standard for a majority of Pakistani men. She used to live in his joint family and his family had a great influence on him. They spent about a year in Pakistan and then he brought her here (again living in joint family system).

    This is when he completely did a 180. His was back on his turf and back to his old lifestyle of going out, partying, etc. he left my mom home with 3 young kids, ignored her, starting fighting with her when she objected to his lifestyle. She basically felt like he was a different person from how he presented himself in their marriage initially.

    I personally think that you can take the man out of Pakistan but you can’t take Pakistan out of the man. I think he wants to have the best of both worlds. He’s very Pakistani (in his treatment, mentality, rules, etc) with my mother and completely American with his other wife. He treats my mom the way that he does cause that’s how Pakistani wives are treated.

    It’s messed up. If anyone here is Pakistani, they might know what I’m talking about.

  • Serena

    June 29, 2017

    Some Pakistani families won’t accept the daughter in law even if she is Pakistani but is NOT A COUSIN. If she is not from same caste from the same village town or city then she is considered an “outsider” and that label remains.

    It’s more so in cases where the in laws did not choose the daughter in law. They pretend to accept her just so they can maintain respect amongst other family and community but behind closed doors it’s a different story.

    I advise anyone wanting to marry a Pakistani Bangladeshi or Indian to find out as much as you can about the future husbands family especially if he has married brothers and sisters and if they married cousin. Reasons why they do or do not live with in laws.

    I know sometimes it’s hard to gwtt that information but do dua to Allah to help you and guide you to what’s good for your dunya and hereafter.

  • Serena

    June 29, 2017

    Salam

    novalknot

    You say your father would have been like that even in a monogamous marriage to your mum? Is your mum Pakistani too and if so is she a relative of your dads?

    What did he have so against your mum to treat her like that? I mean he treats the second wife and kids well with love etc so I can’t understand why like that with your mum?

    Was his a forced marriage to your mum because you said your grandma chose your mum for her son. Did he have any say in it?

    Please don’t take this the wrong way but he may have felt stuck in the marriage especially as he had kids. I know that is no reason for him to treat your mum the way he has but maybe because of hatred towards her.

    Just want to reiterate his behaviour is unacceptable amd wrong.

  • Gail

    June 29, 2017

    Novelknot,

    U just described my marriage perfectly and what happened to me with the exception I was the second wide and the first wife knew everything.What I noticed in my own family it was fine for my husband to do his BS but when it come on my inlaws family that one of their daughters husbands was going to do polygamy they screamed bloody murder to the point he didn’t do it.I have seen both sides of the coin and both are not pretty.
    U described Polygamy in Pakistan very well.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    Hope you had a nice Eid, too 🙂 I’m happy to hear from you. I was hoping I didn’t run you off and you abandoned us. I have to come back a bit later and read your post. I have some things I’ve got to do right now, but I’ll read you later, Insha Allah 🙂

    @Ummof4,

    Talkin about Spirited, long time, no hear from you, too; although not as long. I have to come back and read your post along with NovelKnot’s. 🙂

  • ummof4

    June 28, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, where you been girl? Check in with us once in a while. I was happy to know that you’re still around.

  • ummof4

    June 28, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    It’s amazing the number of women who lack self-respect and self-esteem. They can get advice from hundreds of people, many whom have had similar experiences, but still, they listen to the lying men. That’s why it is so important to follow the guidance of the religious books of Islam, Christianity and Judaism (and other religions as well). That is have a male guardian(walee) or representative(wakeel) for marriage, don’t become sexually involved with men before marriage, and don’t spend your money to go meet a man. If he needs you to come to him and he can’t afford or can’t get a visa to come to you, forget him!
    I know that many women are desperate to be married, but too often the desperation leads to heartbreak and physical, mental and emotional abuse.
    Any woman who is sexually involved with a man that is not her husband is fornicating- that’s a sin in many religions, not just in Islam. But that’s right, as Ana often says, people are more worried about their personal desires than worried about the meeting with their Lord. Remember Allah is Lord of all mankind, those who worship Him, those who believe in Him, and those who do not worship Him or believe in Him.
    LADIES, I KNOW IT MAY BE DIFFICULT, BUT ASK ALLAH FOR STRENGTH, GUIDANCE AND PATIENCE. ASK ALLAH TO HELP YOU TO BEGIN THINKING WITH YOUR BRAIN THAT HE HAS BLESSED YOU WITH. ASK ALLAH TO HELP YOU TO STOP THINKING SO MUCH WITH YOUR HEART, YOUR LIPS, YOUR EARS, YOUR EYES, YOUR BREASTS, AND YOUR VAGINAS – THESE WEAK BODY PARTS THAT MEN LOVE TO PLAY WITH.

  • NovelKnot

    June 28, 2017

    Hi All,

    I hope you all had a great Eid!

    It’s very interesting and mind opening to read all this. My family is also Pakistani and it’s weird cause I’ve seen the opposite to reaction to polygyny growing up. It’s true that Pakistani culture is sadly predominant over Islam most of the time. But, the cases I’ve seen, polygyny is endorsed and made a weapon against first wives by her husband and the in-laws.

    When my father started dating his girlfriend, his whole family supported him and helped him keep it a secret from my mother and us kids. He and his girlfriend would always be with his family and parties, dinners, etc. and we would rarely go. And if we did attend, as soon as we’d go home, the girlfriend would show up and spend the rest of the function in the family. (We found this out later). Everyone was best friends with the girlfriend. Then years later when my mother did find out, everyone supported the girlfriend and said that’s she’s his love and they’re related to him so they will always take the girlfriends side. My father’s whole family knew about his abusive towards my mother and supported it. I specifically remember my grandmother constantly putting my mom down and telling her that her husband doesn’t love her and that she doesn’t deserve him. Which is funny because she’s the one who chose my mother to be my fathers’ wife. (she chose my mother cause she was young, impressionable, from a very good innocent family, was very pretty and you guessed it….had fair skin). And my father is the one that pursued the marriage to my mother for all the same reasons. It wasn’t forced or anything.

    My uncle (Dad’s brother) actually lives in Pakistan and has two wives as well. His first marriage was a love marriage. Over the last 20 some years, he’s completely destroyed my aunt. He continues to abuse her physically, mentally, verbally, keeps her away from her family, etc. I’ve never seen her without tears in her eyes. It’s sad that we’ve become used to it cause that’s how we’ve always seen her. Till this day, she’s paying the price for falling in love with him. She literally isn’t allowed to leave her bedroom (forget the home). And my uncle is so called religious…he prays and fasts and preaches Islam. His second wife he had a secret affair with for years. She completely modern, go out with him, and he shows her off. He married her around the same time as his first daughters wedding. I remember my cousin being devasted at her father’s selfish actions and second marriage. The scandal around the poor girl’s wedding was so embarrassing. The second wife not only knows about my uncle’s behavior with the first wife, she encourages it! She swears at my aunt and calls her and her kids nasty things. And once again, my uncle’s brothers and family support the second wife just like they did in my mother’s case. They do it to hurt the first wife and ruin her sense of self worth and self esteem. They show the first wives that they are unwanted and just needed as slaves In the home and to raise the kids.

    There are several more family friends we have in Pakistan with similar polygyny stories. Believe me, these people (including my fathers family) are some of the wealthiest and so called high class people in Pakistan. So it’s not even a question of them doing this to get money or control over their sons. No, they’re just cruel people. And so are the second wives who’ve dated the married men and fathers knowing the torture the first wives were going through and enabling it even more. Then they marry these men and the first wives status is further lowered in the homes because these new wives continue the cycle of abuse along with the husbands. They’re one team and the first wife and the kids are another.

    A family friend of ours in Pakistan was driving with his wife someplace one day. On the road he saw two young girls having car troubles. He thought one of them was beautiful so he stopped his car to go help them. He exchanged numbers with the pretty young girl (while his wife is sitting the car) and they began dating. The girl knew about the wife when she gave her number to the married man. Eventually he wanted to marry the girl. He told his first wife and she was heart broken and devastated. Not only that she felt incredibly stupid as she was there when her husband met this other woman and they both played her for a fool. Keep in mind that the first marriage was also a love marriage. He already wasn’t the best husband to her and now he was adding this to her grief as well. She told him that he’s the one that’s engaging in polygyny and his second marriage is not her responsibility so she will not be involved in any way.
    She said that nowhere in islam is it required that she do anything for this wedding or other wife. It’s not her headache, it’s his own responsibility. This obviously didn’t go well with him. He beat her black and blue, told her he’d divorce her and take their five kids away from her. He’d leave her penniless and make her life miserable if she didn’t go to his girlfriend’s parents place and ask for the girlfriends hand in marriage for her husband. So that’s exactly what she was forced to do. Can you imagine? She went to the girlfriend’s parents home and proposed for her husband’s marriage. They got marriage and he spends all his time, love, money, etc in his second wife.

    It’s not uncommon is Pakistani culture for men to engage in polygyny for younger and prettier wives, richer wives, immigration status’, etc. but they DO NOT treat them equally and often times treat the first/older wives like yesterday’s trash. They only keep them around because they think it makes them manly to say that they have two wives. And to raise the kids and slave in the homes. While they go out, have affairs and marry younger women living lavishly and in love with them. It’s makes my head spin because it’s like they have multiple personally disorder or something. How can they treat one wife like she’s a queen and the other like a slave? Not only that, they tell their family and friends the differences in how they treat and feel about their wives and feel proud. When I see my dad’s family talk to my mother compared to how they talk to my fathers second wife, I literally lose my mind. My mothers the one that slaved away for them for years, cooking, cleaning, ironing, laundering, shopping, driving, living in a joint family with them, etc. the second wife has done none of these things. But, she’s partied with them, played games, went on vacations, etc. She’s always been invited for the good times while my mother’s been abused, degraded, insulted, etc.

    There was another family friend of ours that also had a love marriage. They’re from the US so it’s not even like they grew up in Pakistan. He fell in love with his first wife in college and married her. Was angood husband initially. Fast forward a few years and a child later. While his wife was pregnant, he began dating this 18 year old Christian girl. He was in his late 30 at the time. The kicker? His wife was pregnant with their second child. It was painful to see him completely do a 180 and hate his wife. He used to contantly pick on her, embarrass her, yell and fight with her in front of everyone. I’m talking huge parties. He’d tell her to go home and that she’s not wanted. The wife literally lost her mind as she could not comprehend what had caused her husband to become to so cruel and hate her. Especially while she was pregnant and he initially wanted the child. She tried with everything she had to make things better at home. The wife later found out that while she was at her parents house early in her pregnancy (for 3 weeks due to morning sickness), her husband was living with his girlfriend in their home. They were sleeping in her bed. She was devasted. Once again, the guy’s family supported his affair (which continued for 3 years) and kept the wife in the dark. The girlfriend was invited to all the family parties and events while the wife used to sit there thinking that she was a friend of her niece-in-laws. She literally would talk to her husband’s girlfriend without knowing that she was being played by everyone. And her husband would treat her like shit in front of the girlfriend and make his pregnant wife leave the parties crying just to please the girlfriend. This went on through her while pregnancy. She was sad, depressed and utterly confused. All the family and friends told him to marry the girl and that the first wife is bound by the kids so she has no where to go. She’ll just have to live with it.

    Believe me I’m not exaggerating, I’ve seen too many events like this around me. The stories are endless and would take forever to share. Indo-Asian men are usually a terrible representation of Islamic values and often abuse Polygyny. Growing up in this and knowing the culture well, I’ve seen it first hand.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Mari2,

    You made a very good point. If one marries a Pakistani man, she should expect to live with his extended family. Joint family living is what they do. It’s a part of the culture that a foreign woman who anticipates marrying a Pakistani man needs to know. I’m sure many of the women simply jump into such a marriage with those men and learn as they go. It’s a culture shock.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Ayseiya,

    Thank you much for sharing with Maria and us all more of your knowledge. I know how heartbreaking it must be for Maria to be so much in love and know in her mind that it’s not the best thing for her, as it appears only misery lies ahead for her.

    I agree that one needs to investigate thoroughly before jumping head long into a relationship with a Pakistani man, if she is a foreigner. Some are just meant to follow the lust of their hearts, and no good comes from that. Allah tells us that if we follow the lusts of our hearts we will go astray.

    I, personally, don’t think all that investigating that you mentioned some women have done with regard to a potential suitor is worth the time and trouble.

    It’s amazing that no matter how much one lays all the cards out on the table and spell out what it’s looking like based on what’s been tried and tested, there are some will dismiss it all and plunge head long into the deep endhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    Nonetheless, we can’t escape our fate. If it’s meant for someone to marry because they’re head over heels in love and they live a long life of misery as a result, it was meant to be. It is what it is…

  • Gail

    June 28, 2017

    Mari2,

    I totally agree with u.

  • Mari2

    June 28, 2017

    Meena,
    Nice post. I agree that knowing the culture is very important. One thing for a woman to keep in mind is that in the Pakistani culture, joint family living is the status quo. If a woman does not want to live with the entire family and she wants her own place, she should be sure to negotiate that before marriage. If the family is back in Pakistan of course this wouldn’t be an issue. But if he starts speaking about bringing his family over, you need to be firm that he find a separate abode for them, unless of course joint living is your thing.

    Pakistani family members can be judgy in my opinion. Keep them off your FB. ALL OF THEM. Especially if you’re in a polygamous marriage. You don’t need co wife or MIL knowing what you’re up to. The less they know, the less they have to complain about.

    Definitely keep assets seperate. And have your own source of income. If you rely solely on your husband for support, MIL will dictate what you can or cannot have. She holds the purse strings, so have your own.

  • Aseiya

    June 28, 2017

    @Maria

    In addition,

    According to the data of Mixed Marriage Community (Marrying Pakistani).

    Most of the long lasting monogamous marriage life to a Pakistani man. These women used their brains more than their heart.

    They think logically and never force themselves to be with the Pakistani man.

    There is an Indonesian lady who married to Pakistani and it has been for 14 years. This lady flew with gis family to Pakistan couple of time to meet the Pakistani man’s before she decided to marry him. So she knows this Pakistani man and his family including his culture and life in Pakistan in advance before the wedding.

    Another case, it has been 10 years of marriage. She never met the Pakistani man in person for dating or something like that, she only met him online. But she had talked to all Pakistani family members, checked all the documents and she rejected to marry in the mosque (only under sharia law). She insisted to get married legally under the country law.

    It took 2 years for her to get all documents clear and to get the permission from all of Pakistani family members from the Pakistani Mother to the Pakistani sister in law. And she said to the Pakistani man that she wouldn’t marry him, if the Pakistani fam members didn’t like her and agree with the marriage.

    She also had long conversations about religion perspectives, child parenting, family system and many more before she decided to marry him.

    So as I said, when you use your “Heart” less and use your Brain more, you can have clear thought and can think logically about everything for your own good. Cz this is your life, your future.

    Just don’t ruin your self.

    All the best!

  • Aseiya

    June 28, 2017

    @Maria

    Hello Again Maria,

    Don’t be confused!

    The number 1 rule to have relationship with Pakistani and Indian man is you need to use your BRAIN instead of your heart.

    Most of the victims of Pakistani man (either Visa wife or got dumped by Pak BF) are “THE WEAK WOMEN”

    Maybe it sounds harsh but I’m telling you the truth.

    I joined mixed marriage community and this community has been collecting the stories for 11 years. So they have the data already.

    The weak women are the women who don’t have high self esteem and self value. They are so desperate looking for love, they really want to get married or to get a BF so badly. These weak women think that their Pak BF are so handsome and they are lucky to get them.

    Please! Don’t be those women if you want to have relationships with Pakistani or Indian man.

    When you be “THE WEAK WOMAN” you can’t use your brain and think logically then you will end up in miserable life.

    We even have plenty cases that these weak women ended up in polygamous marriage life, they became the second wife and some of them even live in Pakistan in poverty.

    These women can have a better life, better husband, better financial economy if they use their brain. But unfortunately they don’t. They have neglected the fishy facts they got and insisted to marry their Pakistani man. They took the risk!

    These girls thought that the Pakistani man will be there for them, they will get a happy after marriage life. But after the wedding, they burried their dream because the fact is too bitter.

    You think about “LOVE” but trust me Pakistani man don’t think about “Love” as much as you are. Their “FAMILY” comes first, their “HONOR” is the main concern, and “LOVE” is way under the family and pride.

    These Pakistani man are trained to have bold heart as most of them will get married by arrange marriage to the girls whom they don’t love in the beginning.

    If you see the upoer middle class Pakistani man in big city in Pakistan, These guys have Pakistani GF too. But most of them ended up marrying someone else.
    They say “Love” to their Pakistani GF and then throw their loves to marry someone else. It’s easy for them.

    And trust me, when you walk away and stop contacting your Pakistani man. Block of all his contacts, in 1 or 3 months he gonna find someone else to replace you by chatting app.

    So don’t drag yourself into complicated situations due to your “Heart and feeling”.

    If you find fishy facts about your Pakistani man just walk away!

    Marrying Pakistani man is nit easy, you should find the one who will stand by your side and do it with “action” not only just the sweet words.

    Don’t get high when Pakistani man calls you with sweet name like “dear, hun, sweetheart, etc” or even he says that he can’t live without you.

    Trust me! When you walk away, he gonna say it to someone else! And he also could end up marrying someone else later on.

  • Maria

    June 28, 2017

    @ anabela @ aseiya

    Thank you for giving your comments and concerns for me really I am confused if I will go Marry him or not but as I read ur Blogs it helped me know more their culture i even asked him lastnight if his mom would areange him marriage in future after marrying me. He just said ok i am tired now u can live in PH happily I was so hurt bec I expected him to explain if its true or not but he just throw me away, when I ddnt replied and even bother to answer his calls he keep on messaging me and telling me lots of sweetest words a man can say. I want to know their culture as well and really cannt believe about arranged marriage in their culture. Really I am hurting now i cant even share to my family and friends thats why i just check online like this where I can tell my whole story… 😭😭😭😭

  • Gail

    June 27, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    Thank U for being so open and honest about Pakistani men and the culture.I don’t know if u have read my personal story and struggles of being a foreign wife to a Pakistani man who legally divorced his first cousin(fathers side) but kept her on the side in what he was thinking a Muslim Marriage(it was insanity).My husband lied to me for 8 yrs before coming clean to me.My excowife and her family were a nightmare.They even went as far as to marry my husbands divorced sister to my excowife’s younger brother.They used her to try to force my husband and inlaws hand to divorce me.I started figuring out in third year of marriage something was fishy and I adopted my husbands oldest child to level the playing field just in case he was trying to use me for a greencard(which did start out he was using me but I ended up pregnant and had a son) so he decided to not divorce me after all(keep in mind I didn’t know the entire story until 8 yrs into our marriage.I stayed because we have 4 kids and I wanted the kids to have a nice secure life and grow up as brothers and sisters(which they have).
    Long story short my inlaws and husband and cowife and the entire family lied to me.I still try really hard to put it behind me.In the end my inlaws did stick up for me and my husband let his exwife go and now she has recently remarried but his sister had to take another divorce(which is not cool).As much as people do Cousin marriages in Pakistan it really is a hardship for everyone involved.My husbands mom and dad and brothers and sisters obviously stuck with my husband not to divorce or me to divorce him but there is this huge family feud now where my husbands grandfather actually kicked my inlaws out of their home because it was on his grandfathers name last year.I and my stepped up and helped my inlaws to build a huge three story home right next door(we owned two homes and a garage right next to my husbands grandfather)Just to rub their noses in their own Sh!t so to speak.
    I am really happy u decided not to go down the Polygamy road sense u are married to a cousin it would have been hell had u done it.
    I can’t tell u how many times I seriously punched my own husband right in the face for him being such a Demon to me.There were alot of years I hated him.

  • Aseiya

    June 27, 2017

    @Anabella

    Thank you in advance Ana,

    Eid Mubarak!

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Aseiya,

    I put a link to your site on the above post/theme/article, as well. It’s on all three of the Pakistani articles. When visitors read the articles, Insha Allah, they will see the link.

  • Aseiya

    June 27, 2017

    @Maria from The Philipines

    I’m a non Pakistani and I married to Pakistani man. I will share my opinion about your case.

    Before you decide to convert and to marry him.

    You should ask yourself first.

    “Are you ready to accept Pakistani culture 100% or not?”

    Most of Pakistani men are so dominant and Pakistani culture is so complicated. You need to sacrifice a lot of things, specially because you are not a Muslim.

    Your BF is so nice to you right now but after the wedding he will turn to be the real he is. “The real Pakistani man” who brings his culture to your life.

    If he doesn’t marry you because of Visa purpose, he is more likely to put more control on you, and if you can’t accept this, you will lose yourself, you are just like a puppet. The one who gonna follow the Pakistani culture is YOU and he won’t follow your culture.

    So, better to understand the Pakistani culture including the family system they have before you decide to marry him or not.

    to learn more about Pakistani culture you can check the website of Mixed Marriage Community here
    Marrying Pakistani

    You can read about Pakistani family system and culture based on other marriage women’s experiences who married to Pakistani

    (I think Annabela/Robin, already put the link on her another post), hope it helps!

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Aseiya,

    Thank you for imputing on the tricks of the trade. I’ve said in the past that it seems the Pakistani people, especially the men, school one another on how to persuade foreign women to get them immigration status/Citizenship/Visas. Surely, it is working.

    The foreign women need to stand accountable for falling for the men’s bullsh!t, as well. Going along with any sweet talking, good looking guy, believing anything he says and sleeping with him without marriage is on them. They can’t just put all the blame on those men.

  • Aseiya

    June 27, 2017

    I just want to give my comment about @Fatima Sajid’s case.

    Based on my experience got involved in Pakistani Community and some cases that the mixed marriage community has.

    I can say that Pakistani use “Wing Guy/Girl” trick a lot, and his trick is the most effective way to get the Visa wife.

    In Pakistani community, the brotherhood’s bond is very strong and the guys will share tips and tricks to solve their mate’s issue/problem. They are trying to be the best teacher and even get along to create such a conspiracy!

    if this “in trouble guy” say something, his friends/cousins will make sure to confirm his bullshit story and in addition, they gonna be his matchmaker too!

    however, I feel sorry about what happened to our sister, Fatima. Wishing you all the best!

  • Serena

    June 27, 2017

    Salam

    Abdullah_Pakiatani

    I read your replies on the June thread. I think your wife is blessed alhumdulillah to have a husband like you and your children to have a father who put his family before his own desires.

    Allah knows your intentions and don’t let it get you down that you couldn’t keep your word with the Russian Chechan sister. If it was meant to happen it would happen you would marry her. Accept Allah’s decision as their is always good in it.

    Continue to help her if you can. Maybe inshaAllah get other people you know to help you support her and any other woman/orphans in her country. Do you have contacts in the west or abroad because you could get more help from them to help more people. You probably will be surprised to know that many in West are willing to support such poor people.

    I have another suggestion maybe stop contact with her all together. Just send money straight into an account or get your sister or female relatives to forward the the money to her. It’s only so you can “get over” her.

    Do dua for her that Allah gives her a husband that will a husband the way a Muslim husband should be.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Abdullah-Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Eid Mubarak to you, too.

    You certainly are a man of honor. I pray Allah rewards you immensely for all that you’re doing to help our Chechen sister-in-faith. I’m a firm believer that one doesn’t need to be married to a person to help them out financially, emotionally and psychologically. Besides, Allah tells us that men are the maintainers and protectors of women. He didn’t say that they are only that to their wives. He says, “women”. He says the believers are friends and protectors of one another (Believers).

    I pray that Allah rewards you for the help that you have rendered here, as well. Your posts, especially the last two that you wrote here are so helpful and informative. It’s especially important as it comes directly from a Pakistani man who lives in Pakistan. It’s a confirmation of all that we have read about the culture here on this blog, and further enlightening as well. Alhumdulliah!

    I see clearly why many of the men do what they do, and I appreciate you elaborating about it. At the same time I must agree with you that it is very sad. It appears that they have turned their backs on Allah and what He promises those who serve and worship Him. Instead, they seek their bounties from those whom Allah has created and not from Allah the Creator.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 27, 2017

    Also here in Pakistan culture wins hands down against Islam and this is very sad …
    We make a ton of promises and very few lucky ones are blessed to honor them …
    I considered my self to be a man of my words, a man of honor and ..even I could not keep my promise to this sister in Russia … I sent her more than she earns in an year, that’s all I am good for …but I cannot honor my promise to marry her .. ever.. just too sad ..

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 27, 2017

    AOA,
    Eid Mubarek to all,
    Wow .. my Pakistani brothers are at it again May Allah SWA guide us .. this is too painful for me to say the least …
    Our country does not offer a lot and going abroad and earning seems to be the best option for the young men here but to go abroad you need to have a visa and to get it my brothers will do anything, yes anything … some do not have this issue but to live alone in a new country they must feel lonely and insecure and third class so they indulge in philandering under the guise of TRUE LOVE and we all know by know what type of ROMEOs they are so it is best to stay clear …
    Let me tell you my story as an example..
    I am living comfortably in Pakistan married since 2004 happily to my first cousin who is the daughter of my father’s brother and daughter to my mother’s sister!!! I have childhood memories with her and her family and now I am her husband .. some how I developed this urge to marry again .. and ended up proposing to a Russian Chechen Muslim sister who is an orphan and working a hard job, just surviving on 350USD a month. She accepted my proposal and I sent here some money as an engagement present !
    I then proceeded very proudly to inform my dear wife about her and she got the shock of her life …
    Long story short , I had to abandon the idea all together because here in Pakistan Polygamy is considered a very bad thing, and being married to a double first cousin would have put my entire family up in arms against me, not that I Care one bit .. but my first wife and two daughters would have caught hell from them all ,,, so in the end I made here my sister and she made me her ATM…
    So please stay clear of any Pakistani man … we just can not live alone , we live in families and a foreign woman of different race, nationality or religion is seldom welcomed by the family, also the bigger the family the greater is the opposition …

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Maria/Leah, Welcome to the 411https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’ll tell you what I think about your situation, and I hope you won’t take offense. It seems that you’ve done things a bit backwards. You’ve met with the man and have fallen in love with him. Now, you want to know what you should do; since now you have considered that he may do an arranged marriage in Pakistan, despite saying that he won’t. Furthermore, you said you won’t become Muslim after he has asked. Those are things to consider before you get with the person.

    It’s amazing that these Pakistani men say they are Muslim, yet they do everything that is not Islamic and continue to do it as though it’s the norm. It’s not as though they struggle with not wanting to sin. They simply follow desires willfully. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

    Maria, Muslims are not supposed to have boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. It’s a serious, heinous sin to fornicate or commit adultery. Your Muslim “boyfriend” doesn’t seem to care about that.

    The fact that your husband’s two brothers have done arranged marriages let you know that one is planned for him as well. It’s what many Pakistani people do.

    The fact that he told you not to post pics of you and him on your Facebook page speaks volume. It lets you know that he doesn’t want the world to know that he is involved with you.

    You said you and he had a wonderful holiday in Dubai. I’d imagine you did, and he wants to repeat it. I will tell you the following based on what I’ve learned from being on this blog; he will not want you as a wife other than maybe as a secret one who comes to him every now and again to hang out, have a good time and get laid (as in have sex).

    Pakistani people want Pakistani people to marry Pakistani people. They want to keep all their wealth in the family. They expect the women to be virgins when they marry. They take care of family and it’s not about anything else. Being Muslim and of another nationality doesn’t matter either. You’re either Pakistani or not. It’s all that matters.

    I’d suggest that you DON’T go and see him ever again. I don’t think there is anything in it for you other than for you to get away on a holiday and go lay with him. That’s if you have no self-respect and it’s what you do https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

    Be better than that. I’d say respect yourself. Don’t give yourself to another man until you are MARRIED.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    fatima sajid,

    Wow, that was a heck of a story that you shared with us. You suffered a heart attack as a result of all you’d been through as well, on top of already having been sick? Sigh. I hope your health has gotten better.

    Your story shouldn’t have shocked me. Especially being that I’ve heard so many similar stories here on the blog of Pakistani men scamming women for a “Green Card”/citizenship. It’s one reason we keep these threads/posts going to alert other unsuspecting women out there of what may lie ahead if they walk down memory lane with one of those dudes.

    Be thankful to God that He revealed the truth to you about your husband and his other wife, before you got in any deeper.

    What you shared just re-confirms all that Gail and others have shared here. Many times the other wives back in Pakistan are in on the scam too. It’s because they have much to gain – to come to the West.

    About how you’re doing payback, I have nothing to say about it. I believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. I believe in leaving things entirely to Allah to deal with, as well. Both are okay. One must take it on a case by case basis.

    fatima Sajid, thank you much for sharing your experience with us. God willing, it will help others, as well. I’m sure it probably helped you feel better to write about it here with others that have had similar experiences. I hope you get stronger and well. You’re welcome to continue to write here and chat more, if you’d like. 🙂

  • Maria

    June 27, 2017

    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Maria

    June 27, 2017

    Hi All, I am Leah 24 yrs old from Philippines.
    I met a Pakistani man thru chat, he chatted me first in messenger then it started. we chatted everyday, like were Bf/Gf. He lives in Dubai he is a Supervisor executive.
    He treats me like im a princess always he’s telling me im tthe most beautiful in the world.
    We started chatting Feb.25, then we decided to meet May 17 I went zdubai to meet him he paid for my visa and hotel for 10days also he take care of my food.
    But I was the one who paid my plane ticket i was offloaded also so I paid again for my rebook we both invest for my visit. As I arrived in airport he gave me boquet of flowers and we went to hotel he have his own car drived fast to hotel it was kur first time to meet as we chat 3months from then. He booked lots of events we went Marina and Burj Khalifa and i was surprised he proposed on me in Burj Khalifa. And i accepted. because i was soooo surprised and felt like I was so lucky to have him. in our 10 days we spent it so sweet, sooo loving and hes so caring. we round here to then, we eat in diff. restaurants everyday. then time to go back in PH 10days is over. He dropped me in airpirt tears flown in our eyes really like i relly dont want come back again PH bec. of feeling sad that i have to leave him.
    I am soo emotional and he also.
    Now i am.in PH he wants me to go in Dubai again but this time he will send me all ticket and visa i will not even have to pay for anything but he wants me to meet his parents and bhabi hu will go also dubai this july.
    I am thinking now if his intention is really pure.
    He didnot want me to show to his friends bec. he said in their culture and as Muslim they never show their Partners in Public which i dont like bec. I want him to be proud of me that zi cannot see wth this setup. He also tell me that he already told his parents rhat he will do a Love marriage and disclosed it already that he said no one in his family can give him arranged marriage.
    I am thinking now if I will go Dubai again to meet his family. bec. i know he is muslim and me i am not a muslim. he also told me to convert muslim.for him and i just said yes will do bec. i am so inlove with him. but now should i take back step. Is his love is pure?, his 2 brothers have already arranged marriage in Pakistan, thats why i doubt if his family will accept that he will do love marriage. or they will just keep it from me that time will come he will leave me also and go arrange marriage. Can u help me.on this. i hope someone will give me an advice. 😢😢😢 Thank u so much

  • Gail

    June 27, 2017

    Ana,
    Exactly even I am surprised she didn’t pick up on it when he stated he had no issues in keeping her as a GF.So in his mind he might not even been thinking Polygamy to be honest.
    The main thing is that Women don’t understand is how much control Pakistani Families esp parents and grandparents have on their children.Here in the west people can’t fathom it but in other parts of the world they can’t fathom us being so free.A Pakistani mans idea of being free is getting out of Pakistan and keeping his personal life abroad a secret from his family and on the flip side he tries to keep his Pakistani life in Pakistani personal and away from his foreign wife or GF.It’s a vicious cycle.

  • fatima sajid

    June 26, 2017

    Hi,
    I just decided to share my story. I’m Europian and British. I was working with Pakistanis. Useless, lazy, liers all of them!
    I became very ill. Had surgery.survived. while I was on sick leave, somebody I knew called me and said – he has a friend similar like me, if I want to meet him, we would be anice couple. I didn’t want, but calling and calling, so in the end I aggreed. We met couple of times 3 of us. After changed numbers and meet just 2 of us. I’m Muslim becasu of my own decision few years ago. Quickly he started to pressuring me to marrie at least in Islam. I thought it is too quick.
    When, I went for check up, the doctor said- good news I got all clear , there is no tumor anymore, but if I want child I have 1 year. It hits me! And I couldn’t think anything else. So we aggreed to marrie. I requested to speak his family- mother, father , 2 brothers done.I checked his status in UK. He had visa for another 3 years. So we marrid in the mosque. As soon we married, he started to asking to marrie official, so we did. He became a bit secretly and controlling. He got mad when I put our wedding photo on the Facebook, and force me to take it off. As soon as he had our marriage certificate, he started to talking if it is good to apply visa based on our marriage- I didn’t understand, but ok he got it.
    As soon he got the visa his mother got very ill, he has to go to see her- went and came back. He kept his phone in his pocket and start to going to the mosque every evening. After one year almost same time his mothergot ill again, had to go. 6 weeks came back and if it is possible he got even more hiding, secrety and controlling.
    10 days after he came back he forgot to take his phone and called me to take his phone to his work, if I can’t in the morning just leave it at home. Of course I took with me 🙂 masseges started to coming on all sort of application and I realized my husband change the password on his phone. So I couldn’t read them, anyway theywere mix Urdu and English. Phone started to ringing from Pakistani number.I managed to pick up, and finally the young female voice question me I this phone is with me, and who I’m. anyway to be short, there was a big acting- after 10 years and 3 kids how can her husband can do with hir to married me too.. I felt really sorry, and even offered my help to her. But later I foud out she was lieing everything! They married when my husband first went to see his mum. There was no kid at all.
    Of course my husband said it all lie, he doest know this woman, had no contact with her, doesn’t know why he and had to married to her. There was no wedding, no marriage certificate… All lie! I managed to got all profe- marriage certificate, videos of their wedding. Secret SIM cards full of their conversation back before 2 years of our marriage….. What could I say or do? Oh and he throw to my face I didn’t speak with his father…
    I broken. Lost my job, because wasn’t able to use my brain, got a heart attack as I was helpless , I couldn’t even get the truth and because this prostitute even treated me with all sort of things. I say prostitute,because she knew our wedding as she saw on the Facebook and it is in their marriage contract for she is a second wife…she accepted as my husband was only way to her to get the UK. Her brother even offered me 3000 pounds if I allowed my husband to go back to Pakistan for visit.
    By the time I cool my head down, and I diceded to pay them back!
    My husband begged himself back, and I just take him to use him, sexually, financially until I put myself together. And I will kick him out when I don’t need anymore but definetly before he apply the ILR.what is the previous step to the nationality. I have no passport, ID, Driving licence , payslips or bank statement in my home, so he can’t take any of mdocument. Also I already reported to the home office. Since that I always”need”gold ring just because I like it, I got a car, and now he buys my clothes, what of course I allways need also, pay the bills. He is drowing in debit, because of course you can’t afford 2 wifes requestments… Maybe you think I’m bad, but believe me they deserve this!
    Sorry if was too long!

  • Spirited

    June 26, 2017

    Yeah… I’m with Gail on this one. That checklist or whatever isn’t very practical for every situation. Maybe in Meena’s case she’s got a pussy-whipped guy and it works for her (pardon my French). The typical Pakistani male is raised to believe he is a jewel among mankind and the most amazing thing around. The typical Pakistani guy we warn about wouldn’t acquiescence to all that nonsense, rules and drama and would drop a woman who made him go through all that once he got what he wanted, or once he had sufficiently humiliated her as he felt she had humiliated him by putting those conditions on him, or just right away because to him– especially in a foreign country –there are SO MANY easy fish in the sea and a woman is beneath his grand self anyway.

    There are of course exceptions. But what we warn about are these kind that so often use and dump western women. I’m using “she” in general terms below.

    -How does the woman (or any non-Muslim/non-Pakistani) know that polygamy isn’t just something the man will want or be guided to by Allah sometime in the future? How would she even know he’s been sleeping with other women? How would she know he has a secret wife? They can certainly keep it secret well enough until Allah wants it revealed.

    -Specifically for Pakistanis, how does she know his family isn’t lying for him? So she’s spoken to family. His uncle called! Oh my! BIG WHOOP. None of that matters. They could all be in on it and playing her. Or he might be one of those men who doesn’t give a flying flip about what his family wants, he’s not there in Pakistan with them, is he? it’s happened, and probably continues daily. Even friends of these guys have been known to laugh at the woman (or women) he is involved with and help lie easy — which is something mentioned in the post — so how would a literal outsider know who to trust?

    -the one thing mentioned in the post — look for his need of residency in the country is about the only point I wholeheartedly agree with. However, a paki Muslim guy, in general (if he even is a Muslim) likes to have a Muslim wife and the non-Muslim is his “white trophy” (assuming she is Caucasian and not Muslim herself). Polygamy allows him an easy way to do so — have his trophy wife and a “real” Muslim wife.

    The thing I hate the most about these Pakistani guys who go overseas is how fast they abandon Islam. Boyfriend/girlfriend is NOT islam. Where are the safeguards to prevent fornication? Where is the wali to protect the interests of the woman? How could he or she possibly be guarding their gaze? Etc. You can tell he already has poor values based on this “relationship” as it is!

    I’m of the opinion that unless a western woman has lived in Pakistan, India, Egypt etc., for a good many years, and understands what she’s signing up for, she should just stay FAR FAR away from those men. It’s not worth the detriment to one’s health and mentality. Shoot, they even play these games with western women who are of their same background/culture, lol.

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2017

    What’s disturbing to me about her boyfriend is that he let her know that he would have to marry someone back home in an arranged marriage and suggested he’d come back and she and he could continue as boyfriend and girlfriend. He didn’t care that he’d be committing adultery and she’d be fornicating. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

    She took the high ground and said, no, she won’t do that. Although, it leads one to wonder what type of relationship they are involved in now as in sexual or not.

    And if asked what religion he is, I’d guess he’d say, “Muslim”.

  • ummof4

    June 26, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Meena, thank you for your post. You gave valuable information. However, please remember, culture and family outweighs personal promises and commitments every single time. As Gail has stated, if and when your boyfriend’s family decides he will marry a Pakistani wife, he WILL marry a Pakistani wife. He may hide it from you, but he will do it!Also, the fact that you have spoken to his family and are aware of his finances and employment, may just be a way for you to let your guard down. I hope that all goes well with you, but any Muslim man may enter into polygyny at any time, and he doesn’t need your permission to do it.

    I hope everyone had a blessed Ramadan. I pray that Allah accepts all of our fasts and all of our good deeds. Keep it up for the rest of the year, sisters!

  • Gail

    June 25, 2017

    Ana,
    Thanks Ana I love that u have the Pakistani post on hear for the woman to come and voice whats going on in their lives with Pakistani men.

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    Gail,

    Thank you much for responding to Meena about the topic. I consider you our expert on the subject :-). You have given us valuable insight into the culture of Pakistani people, particularly about polygamy. I greatly appreciate all your help, which spans many years of us being here together on this blog https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Gail

    June 25, 2017

    Meena,

    Hi I am Gail I know u mean well to post all these things to look for in a Pakistani male u are thinking to marry but the reality is if he or his family want to marry him to a Pakistani Cousin there really is nothing u can do about it and they are very good at hiding their Pakistani marriages.Sense your BF already mentioned to you about Polygamy u better take that seriously.
    Look in that culture u are a female they could careless what u think to be frank.I don’t think u are really grasping Pakistani Culture..If his mom says she wants him to have a Pakistani wife he has no real choice he has to walk according to what his parents say(and believe me they do it).Also u need to understand as well that as a whole Pakistani women DON’T accept Polygamy and they will do everything in their power to get rid of a foreign wife although strangely if their husband marries another Pakistani woman they try everything in their power to get along with another Pakistani wife out of fear they will be divorced I assume sense they know divorce is the worse thing there on women.
    Long story short be careful and don’t put alot of faith in his family.I will say this if u have zero interest in practicing Polygamy then don’t marry a Muslim Man because that will always be an option to him and at the end of the day there really is nothing u can do if he decides to practice polygamy.Your playing Russian Roullete with your life.Sorry if I come across so negative but I have been married to a Pakistani male for 14 yrs and was lied to by him and his entire family when it came to Polygamy.