A Child Has One Mother

a child has one mother

A child has one mother when the father is polygamous. It is very important for the child to know it. Some children call a woman their mother, mom or mum when the woman is not their mother. That is the wrong thing to do.

To teach a child to claim as his mother a woman who did not give him or her birth is not right. Often, the parents don’t know it. Therefore, the child probably wouldn’t know it either. Just because the husband has two wives does not mean the child has two mothers.

There are parents who don’t accept that it is a wrong thing to say. They just don’t care or would rather do things their way. It’s clear that they ignore what Allah says. One can either accept or reject the truth. Accepting the truth separates those who believe from the unbelievers. One truth is that a child has one mother.

On the older version of this blog, we discussed the issue of children who say they have two mothers. When I brought to everyone’s attention that a child has only one, some rejected it. I can only state what the truth is. Some people think that their explanation for having a child believe it has more than one mother is just an expression. They don’t care that the use of the expression is wrong but continue to use it. Furthermore, the child continues to believe it.

Stop the problem. Let him or her know that a child has one mother

Someone recently came to Polygamy 411 with a question about it. She asked how a child is to cope at school when children talk about him having two moms. There would be no problem if the child didn’t think he had more than one. Would there be?

What the parents and others taught the child created the problem. I have heard people say that children call each of their dad’s wives “mom”. Although, it’s common, the real mom may feel hurt by it. I could understand how it would make her feel. After all, she birthedΒ  the child. Why should another woman claim that right?

How do we know a child has one mother?

There was a practice in which men used to divorce their wives and call them their mothers. It too was a wrong thing to do. Allah lets us know that a person says an unfair, unjust, and wrong thing when he or she calls another, “mother” who is not. Nonetheless, Allah is an Oft-forgiving God. He may forgive the person for what she or he had done in the past. But, what will he or she do now?

There is a verse in the Quran about it. Allah says: “If any men among you divorce their wives by Zihar (calling them mothers), they cannot be their mothers: Only the women who gave them birth could be their mother. And in fact they use words (both) iniquitous and false: but truly Allah is One that blots out (sins), and forgives (again and again).”Β  Quran: Surah: 58, ayah 2

It’s the same with saying that a step-son or an adopted son is ones own son when the man isn’t the biological father. People should call the child by his fathers’ name. If the father’s name is not known, the person should call the child a brother-in-faith.

Please Note: Please only comment on the topic of this page. Please speak about other subjects in the assigned “Discussions” area.

A child has one mother

Books about Polygamy

Share

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

25 Comments

  • Tasliyman

    December 15, 2015

    Ummof4

    Thank you. Your advice makes sense and I will certainly take note.

    I get that if I don’t make an issue of it, it won’t be an issue to her.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    ummof4, I like the “sister ______”. It makes lots of sense and it is simple. I never thought of it.

  • ummof4

    December 15, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum ans hello to all,

    Tasliyman, it is rather simple. Just tell your daughter that her father has 2 wives, you and the other wife. At 3 years old they don’t have a problem accepting a straight answer and don’t ask for deep explanations. She doesn’t even realize that most men only have one wife. She just knows that she has a mommy, a daddy , a ummi and siblings. At this point in her life, your daughter probably calls your co-wife ummi because that’s what she hears the other children calling her.

    I don’t know how long you have been reading the blog, so here’s a summarized version of my children growing up in polygyny. When my husband married a second wife, we had a 6 year old and a 1 year old. We all knew the sister he married, she had a 12 year old. My son was excited because he thought he was getting a big brother, my one year old only wanted to eat cake at the waleemah. They were married for 14 years, during which time my husband and I had 2 more children and they had no children together. So basically, polygyny is all that my children knew and it was perfectly normal for them. When my husband and his other wife were divorced, I was the one urging them to work it out. My children, especially my daughters, were upset that their father was home every night after so many years; we would have to stop or decrease our fun time with just us girls. My children went to their father’s other house freely and called their stepmother Sister______. My husband and my children still communicate with her.

    In conclusion, children do just fine with polygyny as long as the parents have their heads on straight and do what Allah tells them to do. No backbiting, no trying to make the other spouse look bad, no crazy competition between the wives.

    Everyone, remember Allah and He will remember you.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for correcting me πŸ™‚ You’re right; five years is a long time, as well.

    Yes, indeed, you can only thank Allah for EVERYTHING. I am sooooo happy for you.

    We are here whenever you feel like talking. Don’t be shy. LOL

  • Tasliyman

    December 14, 2015

    Aslm Ana

    Thank you.

    Just a point of correction I’ve been married for 5 years. They’ve been married for 24 years. Even so yes, it’s still a long time I’ve been conflicted.

    But algamdulillah I feel that I have reached a turning point and I feel at peace. As far as being happier is concerned – that didn’t take long.

    There’s already a difference for the better in my marriage. I can only thank Allah swt for that.

    Thank you for the support and advice. You won’t believe the difference it has made on my life.

    The thought of my daughter starting to ask questions about our lifestyle no longer terrifies me.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    @Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’ve come a long ways in now accepting that your husband is married to her and you. 24 years is a long time to be conflicted about it. I think you will come to see that you are at peace in your life and content, now that you are on your way to accepting Allah’s decisions. You are bound to see a huge change in your life, for the better. You should be much happier in no time. I am so delighted for you. πŸ™‚

    I think it’s a good time for you to let your little daughter know that your husband has two wives. Yes, tell her that he is married to the both of you. Let her know early on that it’s okay. You can explain more to her as time goes on, based on what she is capable of understanding. Gradually let her know the truth as she questions you about it, Insha Allah.

    As for what she should call her dad’s other wife, your husband, his other and you need to come up with a name that is acceptable to the three of you. Hopefully, you have a husband who is open to mutual consultation.

  • Tasliyman

    December 14, 2015

    Aslm Ladies

    This is something I’ve been dreading but I can no longer avoid it.

    My daughter is 3 years old now. My husband has been married to co for probably 24 years. They have 5 children between 23 and 12 years old.

    My daughter goes to their home freely and visits often. She’s very fond of her siblings. The children also visits my home freely. The children calls their mother “Ummi” and so does my daughter. (She doesn’t realise that Ummi actually means ‘my mother’). She calls me “Mommy”.

    My daughter is at a stage now where she’s trying to figure out where “Ummi” fits into the picture. She asks questions around this and even made mention of the fact that I never go to their house and co never comes to my house.

    I suppose I should just tell her that her father is married to both of us?? Keeping in mind that until I came across this blog I couldn’t accept that he was married to both of us. I’m only now coming to accept it (or at least trying to be OK with it).

    I cant really avoid it much longer.

    Any advice on how I should handle this and also how do I explain the relationship between her and co?

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2015

    Gail,

    It all does work out. It’s extremely important to stay positive and optimistic. It’s what I like so much about the blog. One can talk about adversities, situations, predicaments, what’s upsetting to us etc and the atmosphere is still pleasant. We can talk about life experiences and it’s not a dark, dreadful, gloomy place to be. There is light on this blog. There is beauty in it. πŸ™‚

    It’s the most weird thing that your ex-co is your biological son with your husband’s auntie. LOL It’s just so strange when I think about it. It’s very good that all your children are your husbands biological children with his last name. It simplifies things for you all. It’s cool. I know your ex-co’s children know what time it is with regard to you and their biological mom. They probably are angry with their mom, as they can’t understand why she’d not only give them away, but not communicate with them. BUT, didn’t you say your husband wouldn’t allow them to, even though she hasn’t tried.

  • Gail

    December 3, 2015

    Ana and Ummof4,

    Thank u for clarifying about adoption.In my childrens case they all have their fathers last name.Even my older son form my first marriage who’s father is deceased has his fathers last name.
    I have never lied to my children they know they are adopted to me a name is a name the truth has not been hidden from them nor have I turned them against their biological mother it is not in my nature to do such a thing although I have warned them in the future to be careful not to give money out like it was candy to those people because u want people(mother included talking about my excowife here) to love u for u and not for your money.I want my kids to be aware of not being used for money by her or her family in the future or anyone for that matter.Other than that I never spoken ill to the children and told them it is ok to go see her if they wish when they r older.I have told my youngest son my biological son to not trust on the family or excowife ever and explained to him why and he gets it.Even my excowife is his second cousin her mother is my son biological aunt but all the kids understand the truth.My youngest son is smartest out of all the children and knowing his personality if he smelled a rotten egg with my ex cowwife and her family he will be the first to tell his brother and sister what he suspects he is a smart little cookie.I am very proud of him.The other two children are turned some different and I see them as being taken advantage of far more easily because of their simplistic natures but hopefully everything will turn out fune in the end I am trying to stay positive.

  • anabellah

    December 2, 2015

    The story in the Quran references the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) adopted son. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married the woman whom his adopted son was married to once his adopted son and she divorced. The ayah was revealed to let us know that it is okay for a man to marry his adopted son’s ex-wife, as the adopted son was not a biological son.

  • anabellah

    December 2, 2015

    The one ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran speaks about one who calls a child son, but the child is not the person’s biological son. The child should be called by his father’s name. If the father’s name is not known, the child should be referred to as a “brother-in-faith”.

  • anabellah

    December 2, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaiku & Hello to Our cyberspace buddies, πŸ™‚

    I’d like you all to know that we are addressing the issue of what name (such as mother and that of father) someone should call a person who is not their biological parent because it deals directly with polygamy. There were ladies here on the blog who stated that when the husband married more wives, the children all call the women mother.

    Some of the biological moms had a problem with their children calling the other women mother, which I certainly could understand. Some children may have had a problem with calling the other women mom, as well, yet were instructed by one parent or both to do so.

    One commentator asked what children should say to others when they are asked about having two moms. As ummof4 stated it’s a practice of Gay/lesbians who tell the children that they have two moms.

    The above are the reasons that I wrote a post on the subject. As you are now aware, there are specific ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran that speaks of the matter with reference to mothers and fathers and who should be called mother and who should be called father.

  • anabellah

    December 2, 2015

    ummof4 Wa Alaikum As Salaam πŸ™‚

    Thank you very much for the clarification, and for elaborating on it so that others could get a better understanding I appreciate it.

  • ummof4

    December 2, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, as Ana has stated, it is in the Qur’aan to call children by the names of their fathers. What Islaam does allow is similar to what is commonly called being a foster parent in this society. Muslims can take care of children who are not their own from birth to adulthood if the situation presents itself. We are especially ordered to take care of orphans. When we say that Islam does not allow adoption we mean that if the adoption means that the adoptive parents change the birth certificate to indicate that they are the parents and give the child their last name, it is not allowed.

    I have many Muslim friends who have had foster children from infancy to adulthood. However, the children all know that the foster parents are not their biological parents. The children love and respect their foster parents and take care of them when they reach old age.

    Everyone have a good day worshipping Allah in the proper way, In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m writing this quickly because I am out and about on the road right now. I think I didn’t make myself clear when I spoke about the mother issue. Islam does not disallowed or forbid adoption. Adoption is okay. The Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had an adopted son named Zaid. The thing is the people should call the child by the father’s name – the biological father’s name. The adopting parents shouldn’t claim the child as their own if they’re not the biological parents.

  • Gail

    December 1, 2015

    Ana,

    I get that u r coming from an Islamic perspective and that it is a sin in Islam to do so although I have never heard this before it makes logical since why people are against adoption in the Islamic world knowing this info.
    In the bible when Jesus was dying on the cross he told john I believe it was(one of his disciples and friend that behold Mary is your mother now and u r her son if i remember correctly so according to that statement clearly it was fine.I see is more in depth as we are all one soul(same mind set)in the name of G.D so who cares what the other is called.
    I don’t know I think adoption is an awesome thing for unwanted children.I can’t imagine G.D seeing in wrong with it when a child has no mother or father to call their own.
    Even Jesus was adopted(reared) by Joseph.I am not trying to get a debate going here to each his own on the matter BUT I don’t understand how Islam views adoption and I don’t understand the harm in children calling their adopted moms Mom.
    My children know I am not their biological mom but it seems so cruel for them to call me something other than mom since their other 2 brothers call me mom.I feel it would make a difference between siblings which seems like it would do more harm than good.Jut trying to figure it out from a loving logical perspective.
    I had no intentions to suppress my cowife ever I just wanted to live as a one family unit.To talk about being suppressed and actually seeing someone be suppressed is two very different things.I saw her suppression and it was not good and what I was offering her was freedom and respect.I truly believe had she stayed with us the kids would have accepted her and I would have relaxed as time went on.Even though I was in a polygamy married for 8 yrs and we lived together off and on through those years the truth was hidden from me.After the truth came out he gave her oral talaq and her divorce papers within 6 months.
    I have changed alot over the years and looking back i see my mistakes but i am not hard on myself I really think I was as good as I could be under the circumstances.I wish I had been better but I can live with how I tried to handle the situation.Yes I am hard but I am beyond fair I truly feel

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    Correction:

    In the earlier reply I said: “I wrote it based on what I have heard on this blog from Muslim women who have said that they have co-wives and all the children call the non-biological mother mom.”

    I have corrected here to say, “I wrote it based on what I have heard on this blog from Muslim women who have said that they have co-wives and all the children call the woman who is not their biological mother “mom”, “Mother”, “Mum” , the Arabic word for Mother – whatever it is, etc.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    Gail,

    I can’t really get with all that you’ve said about the calling a non-mom – mother, as it’s all based on feelings and thoughts and not on the Quran. My understanding is your ex-co gave her children away to you, as they’d have a better life in the US than in Pakistan. Based on what I’ve read, many people in Pakistan live culture, not Islam. Your ex-co could very well be one of them who is all about culture and not Islam. After all, she knew you would not raise the children Muslim and she knew that your husband follows your lead. She knew you inclined towards Judaism. You know she said she doesn’t like Jews.

    I would imagine that she is not a happy camper about having lost her husband and her children. She knows that if she were to be a part of your family that she’d be under your rule. You wouldn’t want a life like it for yourself. Why do you think she should accept it. Is it not oppression? She’s being oppressed in Pakistan, as it is, based on what I know of the people and the culture.

    I wouldn’t begin to tell you to tell those children not to call you mom because based on what you have said on this blog, they are not Muslim. There is no compulsion for anyone to live any kind of way. No one should be forced to live any kind of way. We all will have to account to Allah who is God for what we do. Those children whom you and your husband are raising will, as well. Your ex-co will, as well. Your husband will, as well. You will, as well. I will, as well. Everyone on the planet will. There are no exceptions.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    Gail,

    I did write the post based on an Islamic perspective. I wrote it based on what I have heard on this blog from Muslim women who have said that they have co-wives and all the children call the non-biological mother mom. I wrote the post based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran it. I cited the ayah (verse) from the Holy Quran. It speaks about saying a person is your mother when she did not give you birth. It’s wrong. The words coming from someone’s mouth is wrong when the person did not give you birth. It’s a sin. It’s not my opinion or how I feel or what I think. I wrote it based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. I indicated, as well, that there are Muslims and non-Muslims who don’t agree with what Allah says. They do what they want to do. They conjecture. Allah says there are people who deal in conjecture. A Muslim who is a BELIEVER will try to do what Allah who is God says. They don’t do what they feel or thing based on whims and desires.

  • Gail

    November 30, 2015

    Ana,

    Also as u know I have 2 biological children so I don’t have need of the other two children I am raising.I did it because I felt strongly it was the right thing to do to raise all the children under one roof as brother and sisters.I get that alot of people don’t like living under the same roof but for me it felt like the right thing to do and I have never had second thoughts about it.
    I don’t get the whole biological thing as in parents and linage etc..I don’t have a strong bond with my parents or really much of any bond to be frank so never have got what the big deal is all about.

  • Gail

    November 30, 2015

    Ana,

    U r coming at this from a Muslim perspective and that is totally fine.
    My excowife cried to me that her kids do not call her mom.I told her that I tried to get the kids to call her mom but they refused me.My son said flat told me he did not feel good to call her him mom I finally gave up and told him to call her what he wanted and he calls her by her name.
    I use to feel bad for her but not anymore because she is not raising them .I am not my kids personal nanny I am the woman that takes care of them when they hungry,sick,school,U name it…
    I don’t know why this is even a topic to be frank because if u raise the children their yours.
    I your mother abandoned u as a child or left u in the care of others and went about her life do u really think when u grow up u will have an emotional attachment to such a woman?I have an uncle that was adopted and his birth mother called on christmas one year when i was around 14 and he refused to talk to her on the phone my grandmother told him she is your mother talk to her he got upset and said that woman is NOTTTT my mother.He went off on my grandmother and said how can u expect me to talk to that woman after she gave me scalding hot bottles and left me for days in a crib etc… My uncles just was flabergasted this woman would reach out to him after so many years.
    The reason his birthmother reached out was because she had cancer and was dying and wanted to clear her guilty conscience.My uncle told her flat the only mother he had was my grandmother and Don’t call back and he also told her flat how he can feel sorry for her having cancer when she did not care for him when he needed her as an infant.He told her to go to hell.
    People have strong emotions when it comes to adopting and I will say this as well this is one thing in the Muslim community I hate because of this one line about about birth mothers being the only mothers as whole I have seen Muslim not reach out and try to help orphans and adopt them.They just toss money towards a charity and think they r doing a good deed.Well the better deed is to adopt a baby and raise it.There is alot more to being a mother than birthing a child I can assure u.
    I don’t know I have lost all empathy for my excowife in this regard since she has not even bothered to try to contact me about her kids.For all she knows her kids could be dead it is just sickening to me.
    Even in all these yrs she has never even bothered to send them a card she just seems to come across as having zero interest.Believe me when I say I wish she had more interest and would act interested.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    I could see co-wives helping each other out with the children, BUT, everyone should know exactly who everyone is. Keep it REAL.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and howdie to all, πŸ™‚

    A commentator was here not so long ago who said she felt hurt that her children called the co (I can’t remember if it was mother, mom or mum) mother. Although I didn’t comment at the time, I knew exactly how the commentator felt. Here she has carried that child in her womb for nine months, went through the pangs of child birth, pushed that child out of her body into the world and reared the child and then some other woman pops up on the scene and get to be called mother. I don’t think so…. That is whacked. I definitely could see a woman opposing such a thing. It far out…LOL There’s an expression from the ancient past.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I like your post. You touched on some very important points. I know whenever I hear of any child saying she or he has two moms, I immediately think the child has Gay parents. I think the Muslims who have children who say it follow the lead of the Gays in saying it. It’s the signs of the times.

    I like what you said that helps the child tell people who the other woman is in her or his life. Some may ask what the child should call the husband’s other wife to her face. I’d say the father, the mother and the father’s other wife should come up with a name. It’s not something that is universal.

    It is true that there are children who seek out their biological mothers despite their love for the women who raised them and did an excellent job at it . There is a special bond between a mother and a child. There is a mystic tie between parent and child.

    “And (the mystic ties of) parent and child;-” Quran: Surah 90, ayah 3

    “Verily We have created man into toil and struggle.” Quran: Surah 90, ayah 4

    “Thinketh he, that none hath power over him?” Quran: Surah 90, ayah 5

  • ummof4

    November 28, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I agree with you that children should not be told that they have 2 or more mothers. If people do not like using the word stepparent, there are other ways to describe a woman who is near and dear to you who treats you like you are her child. A child can be taught to say, “she is like a mother to me, even though she is not my real mother.” If the other wife actually rears the child, she can be referred to as the woman who rears me like a mother.

    Foster parents rear children and the children know that they are not their parents, but their caretakers. Many adopted children have a great desire to find their biological parents, even when reared by loving caretakers who call themselves their parents.

    And last but not least, unfortunately in the society today, when a child says she has 2 mothers it usually means that she is being reared by 2 lesbians.

    So ladies, it’s okay for a child to say that she has a biological mother and a woman who is treating her like a mother. Children can love many people, particularly adults who love and care for them.

    May Allah accept our salahs and du’ahs.