A Wife Thinks She Owns Her Husband

a wife thinks she owns her husbandA wife thinks she owns her husband once she has married him. “My husband” are important words that keep her from being happy in her polygamous marriage. She may think the love that she has for her husband causes her not to like polygamy. She may not know that being possessive is more of a problem for her than the love that she has for him is.

A wife cannot bear to think of him with another woman and she thinks it’s because she loves him so much. The mere thought of him being intimate with another woman causes her pain and heartache. She stresses and worries all the while thinking that it is because her husband loves another woman. However, she doesn’t see that it goes way deeper.

A wife thinks she owns her husband when she begins to call him, “My husband”

She says, my husband this and my husband that. He has become in her mind her possession. We learn about possession when we are children. It is then that one starts to take possession of things. The mother teaches the child that certain things belong to him or her.

For instance, this is your toy; your snacks; your teacher; and your room etc. The next thing we know the child is walking about and talking about what belongs to her. For instance, she will say this is my school (although the child doesn’t own a school). This is my house (clearly a child doesn’t own a house). Everything is my and mine. Do you get the picture?

A wife thinks she owns her husband because she took ownership of him when they married. A woman who wants to marry a man who is already married usually does not ask the wife if it is okay for them to share the man. Although she didn’t have to ask, not asking was part of the problem. The wife sees the other woman as having taken something of great value from her. The thing of value was the woman’s husband.

The woman took her husband but didn’t ask permission to do so. When the other woman has taken her prize possession, she may say, ” How dare she”. Now, the wife who had him all to herself must accept it. It is a hard pill to swallow when all her life she had thought that she owned stuff. This is mine. That is mine. He is mine. Now she must battle, as though in a tug of war for what she thought was all hers.

A wife thinks she owns her husband not knowing that the man whom she calls, “my husband” does not and never did belong to her

Most of us, while growing up, wasn’t told that we own nothing and Allah owns all things. Most of us aren’t taught that Allah has loaned us all that we have. All the we have Allah has entrusted to us. What we were not told has had a negative effect on us. We have learned wrong information that hurts us, and now we must unlearn it.

He is not, “My husband”, as a husband does not belong to a wife. He is not her possession. When she discovers it, the truth hurts her. Once we know the truth, we must accept it. When a wife accepts it, she is on her way to having peace and contentment in her polygamous marriage.

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62 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 20, 2017

    Hanane,

    I don’t know why a woman can’t marry more men. Allah knows best why He decided as He did. I don’t question Allah.

    Frankly, I don’t care, as I don’t want more than one husband.

  • Hanane

    April 20, 2017

    So why can’t a woman marry more men? And dont give me nonsense about child bearing or supporting the family. Beautiful beautiful explanation but that’s not the islamic reason that is you trying to make excuses for the real reasons of islam. I don’t like polygami, but don’t care if other people do it.
    Even quran says it is better to marry just one:
    And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan (?girls?)*, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one or those your right hand possesses. That is more suitable that you may not incline [to injustice].
    Qur’an 4:3
    And you will never be able to be equal between wives, even if you should strive [to do so]. So do not incline completely [toward one] and leave another hanging. And if you amend [your affairs] and fear Allah – then indeed, Allah is ever Forgiving and Merciful.
    Quran 4:129

  • Gail

    June 23, 2015

    Mari2,
    Very nice post!
    I have come to the conclusion men are just strange and look for excitement in woman.I don’t get it or understand it logically speaking but I know it for a fact to be true.It has nothing at all to do with women.I think the way a man thinks woman putting on makeup is strange or doing her nails etc.. is strange and can’t understand for the life of them why we go through so much trouble.I mean to say we do it because it feels emotionally good and I honestly think men think it feels emotionally good to play around with other women.Thats the best I figured out.lol

  • Mari2

    June 22, 2015

    @Gail,
    And while I love M, he does not define me. I would miss him if he left, but I would not necessarily fall apart or anything like that. And while I enjoy him in my life, I don’t neeeeed him. I am not completed by having a husband, I was complete before I met him. I’m fortunate in that respect as I am not of a culture where woman are defined by marriage and children.

  • Mari2

    June 22, 2015

    @Gail
    of course it bothers me. I calmly confronted him. I asked him if he was no longer satisfied with me and if so he should tell me and I can put myself back on the market. That way he and his mom would be free to go live with the married hindi woman he was exchanging texts and photos with. I also wondered to him why 2 wives were not sufficient enough and if he had a death wish.
    He apologized, said he was being stupid and said she was nothing. Just a game. That pissed me off really bad and I told him women weren’t game pieces and feelings aren’t “nothing” and he needs to quit thinking with his dick.

  • Gail

    June 22, 2015

    Mari2,
    Does it not bother u that your husband chats with other woman?I am kinda shocked u take it so lightly to be honest.I caught my husband chatting with another woman and he hid it from me for 8 yrs they were chatting man thinking about still grosses me out.I have no respect for men that flirt and cheat around.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I know what you mean. Before I became Muslim, I had boyfriends. Some I was infatuated with. Some I loved. Non-Muslim kids now a day have boyfriends/girlfriends at age 10. It freaks me out. I still have a difficult time with it when I see it on TV LOL.

    It would be interesting to see what happens when your hubz and her are they both together, and expect to be taken care of, as you said. It’s problematic when a couple are alike. It works better when they are opposites. Either the hubz or your co or both of them will have to learn to be more assertive.

  • Mari2

    June 21, 2015

    And the two of them are needy as babies. M likes to be taken care of. He prefers to have others do the caring. She also seems to want to be taken care of and apparently wants others to do for her too. It will be an interesting dynamic when she comes here and the two of them are together and there’s no servant. They may possibly starve

  • Mari2

    June 21, 2015

    She’s just young. And he’s her first and only. She’s in love with the idea of love and happily ever after. I was the same way at her age. I had boyfriends I “loved” over the years. Sometimes the love was real, and sometimes infatuation.
    They barely knew each other before they married. He didn’t even know anything about her. They were together 18 days. Now she’s madly in love, he’s here with me AND chatting up other women. That’s his idea of love.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah it’s true.I don’t know I guess I am weird because I shared my first experience with another virgin.I think to deep and I would have been upset as all get out had he been with another before me.For me it would have lessened the experience thinking he had been with another I am weird that way! I know people do it all the time and don’t think anything of it but for me I could not handle it.For me personally I would feel stupid as all get out moping around all puppy eyed for a man I know that has been down that road before with someone else.Nope to disturbing for me.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    Plus, the girl wants to come to the U.S. or wherever Mari2 is, be with her husband and live the dream. So, if she ain’t in love she’s thinks she is or is playing the part. She knows what time it is and it ain’t hammer time (Song) or is it Lol he, he, he

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    I mean she was a virgin when she married

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    Good questions. Most times a girl is head over hills in love, it’s first love and it’s all about just the two of them. Anyone else in the picture is a deal breaker and cause for break up. Mari2 co knows her husband has been and is with someone else – Mari2. The co didn’t know it at first, but when she found out, it should have immediately slapped some sense into her. Maybe now she’s simply dealing with possession, jealousy and envy, which she is mistaking for love. Then too, she is young and a virgin, which could explain it. People fall in love all the time with men who have girlfriends or wives and it doesn’t make a difference. Then too were forgetting the fact that Allah places love in people’s heart. Bingo!

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Mari2 and Ana,
    Something else that perplexes me how can a woman show so much emotion towards a man that she knows has been with other woman sexually.I just would feel like a complete idiot if I were a virgin and he was not.I would never be able to handle knowing a man was with someone else before me.I know people do it and I get it but all the emotional thinking. The girl would have to obviously know she is not his first love.I don’t know maybe I think to deep not sure.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Mari2,
    Oh lord I really don’t even know what to say to that.She is more immature than I thought.I don’t know why but I swear I don’t know how someone can be romantically in love with their cousin.Ok second or third cousin maybe but first cousin no way not in a million yrs for me.I just don’t get it.Marriage fine,sex fine,kids fine but romantic love I don’t know that is off he charts weird for me but to each their own I guess.
    I guess she not taking into account that although he is her first sexual experience he has been there and done that before.I guess if she is really in love with him she is going to hate u because u r a reminder to her that he has feelings for u as well.I am sure that does not sit well with her.
    As far as the tattoo thingy I started laughing thinking of her tattooing herself with henna.LOL

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    Those were the days my friend. We thought they’d never end…

    Ooops, I’m in a crazy frame of mind. let me get back into reality.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    Stupid, crazy love…

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    She’s young and in love. It a special moment in life. Some people say they’ve never experienced it, but wished they had. Wow, there is nothing else like it. I got to experience it before I reverted.I’m grateful that reverting and taking Shahadah absolved me of those sins.

    Young love. Those were the days!

  • Mari2

    June 19, 2015

    @ana
    Yet…give her time. Lol you make me chuckle.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    Mari2,

    I like the get out of bed one that you mentioned. It made me chuckle. LOL At least she didn’t get a tattoo of his name on herself

  • Mari2

    June 19, 2015

    And right now she’s definitely in the “my husband” phase. She’s young and she reminds me of girls with their first crushes or bfs. You know…when you wrote his name with hearts on your notebook. The girl is a serious emoji, e card, love sticker queen. Where does she find the time? I was beginning to feel like a sticker failure. So I got some too. Mine say…we need milk, take out the trash, get out of bed…lol

  • Mari2

    June 19, 2015

    @Gail
    men are often toddler like at times. Right now dealing with co is rather easy since she is there and I am here. We’ll just have to see what tests Allah brings in the next year or so.
    In the meantime I will continue to care for him and his mother because I desire to do so. Not because I neeeeed him. I don’t do it for M. And co never needs to bend over backwards to please me. It’s not a requirement of mine. I’ll just not bother to offer her any salams for now.

  • Gail

    June 17, 2015

    Mari2,
    Well I will say from what I have seen it seems most men are.They don’t seem to be looking for the same things woman are love.loyalty,devotion or maybe they are times 2 3 or 4 lol
    It’s not your cowife as much as it is culture.I noticed something about Pakistani men if they do have 2 or more marriages they normally keep them secret.One wife don’t know about the other.I might be wrong but that is kinda what I have noticed and if they do happen to know about another wife they live in different cities or in other countries.Also here is another weird thing if u had happened to be Pakistani your cowife would be bending over backwards to be getting along with u because they are really freak out of divorce and family complaining about them that the other wife is nicer etc…It is only because u r in the position of being a foreign wife same like me that they feel safe to vomit all over u the sleazy lot of them.

  • Mari2

    June 16, 2015

    @Gail
    my assets are in good order. If he decides to get rid of me, I expect upheaval when she comes. My eyes are open. Unfortunately for her, hers are not. M is a good husband in many ways but he’s quite the womanizer too. I am well aware of this. Even if she succeeds in ridding herself of me, she will never be the only one. He’ll always have something on the side.

  • Gail

    June 16, 2015

    Mari2,
    I have the exact same thing going on with me with my excowife for the last decade.Even right now as I speak her brother has friends going to my eldest brother inlaw trying to get the family to take his sister back and get rid of me.Your husband will eventually be forced to pick u or his family.I have a son with my husband and I adopted his oldest son.I was smart enough yrs before when i started getting suspicious to adopt his elder son to secure the marriage.It was a brilliant move on my part as I feel it was G.D inspired.I give G.D the credit.
    Just read between the lines ok.I also want u to understand with these people u might think it is jealousy related but it has more to do with property and money control with jealousy sprinkled in.

  • Gail

    June 16, 2015

    Mari2,
    With her saying that u might better read between the lines.I told u already I think Pakistani woman do not accept polygamy as a whole and I have no doubt in my mind your husband has been told to get rid of u by his family.When u call saying hello it has nothing to do with u personally it has to do with your husband being told to get rid of u and u r still sitting there understand?
    Thats why she screamed at him to knock the crap off or she was going to bust his A$$ and tell her mom so her mom will scream at his mom and well u get the picture.
    For for your own sake u better get to the bottom of this because it seems like to me his family wants u out of the picture and u need to understand this.I think u said u r not legally married to him and he is legally married to his cousin if I am right so that legally allows her to come to USA.If i am saying right then this is the only reason the family is dealing u right now until his wife immigrates then after that I am sure all hell will hit the fan.Look as sick as this is going to sound u r kinda a whore to them.They know he has to have sex and it is better he do with one person than many so right now u r serving a sexual purpose in their mind but if they have plans for his wife to come then for sure they have all planning to get rid of u.If she stays and lives in Pakistan then I believe u r safe but either way Please secure your assets.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I read your post and started laughing. There were two Muslims I’ve come in contact with in my life, who I used to give the salaams to and they wouldn’t return it. I can understand now why one didn’t. It was because, although she took the Shahadah, she is not Muslim. The other one was Muslim but not living the religion at the time. Nonetheless, when it happened, the two, I was told, was advised about the ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran that says return the greeting or one better, but they both ignored it. I’m like, wow, people are so defiant to Allah. They just don’t care. They don’t fear Allah and His punishment.

    Many Pakistani’s are Muslim in name only, but not only them. Allah says there won’t be many Muslims who are foremost in faith. There will only be a few from this time period that will be foremost in the Hereafter.

    I don’t think youth has anything to do with your co not returning the salaams. She’s just angry – pure and simple. I don’t think time has anything to do with it either. It could be the same 10 years or more from now.If you want to keep having her wig out, then keep sending her friendly text, email and call her. It will surely to do it. I wouldn’t suggest it though. I say leave her alone.

  • Mari2

    June 15, 2015

    I agree that it does take time. I’ve reached out cordially to my sister wife via a few texts with M’s permission and he read and approved the messages I sent. However, wife 2 is NOT having it. I sent a simple salam to her and she called him and had a tantrum, threatening to tell her mom or some nonsense. M was pretty annoyed with her. I told him to let it go. She’s young. Give her time.

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2015

    @Rahma,

    It’s a struggle to get to a good place in a polygamous marriage. It takes a lot of hard work to stop blaming a husband for disrupting a marriage with polygamy, and taking the family through changes. As long as a wife thinks the husband has done it and not see that Allah decreed it, no progress can be made.

    A wife can’t reach a state of peace and contentment, if she has wrong belief. I understand entirely that it is not easy to get the mind set in the right direction. We can’t do it on our own. Allah has to do it for us. We make our intent, plead and beg Allah for His help, guidance and mercy, which is how we MUST do it. It’s how we gain acceptance of this lifestyle.

    Thank you for writing in about it, Sis.

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2015

    @Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know how you must feel when she speaks to you about the love she has for her and your husband, and how much she misses him. I think that type of talk by a co-wife is uncalled for, and not in good taste. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that a wife who married first or any wife for that matter may not yet or ever be comfortable with such talk with each other. Even a wife who married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th don’t want to hear such talk from the other wife. It’s a given that a wife loves her husband and misses him; why speak of it . It’s a good question whether she speaks of such things to deliberately hurt you or she simply isn’t that bright. Perhaps she lacks in the intellect dept. Believe me; there are some real dunces out there. I know from dealing with one. I’d suggest you avoid conversing with her, as it does you no good. You are not obligated to communicate with her, especially since your investigation reveals you and she are not on the same page. You’re trying to accept this difficult lifestyle and speaking with her is not helping you to feel better about it.

  • Rahma

    June 7, 2015

    Asaalaam alaykum all,

    I feel the possession issue is there especially in the beginning, when both first and other wives need to come to turns with the new situation.
    Theres this feeling of competition and regarding myself, I still need to get to terms with the feeling husband is able to love more and other than me, without feeling he completely wrecked our marriage and my feelings for him.
    Other thing is that when I have conversations with my co, I never refer to him as my husband but always mention his name instead.
    However, she feels the need to express she is so happy to see HER husband again or how much she loves and misses HER husband. Whether she does it to hurt me, or it’s just a lack of wisdom and caused by a feeling of insecurity; it hurts.
    I have been married for 15 years..I DONT feel the need to rub in my love for husband or even discuss it with her.
    I also feel that it’s our duty towards each other in Islam to not deliberately hurt each other in any way. What goes for the first wife, goes as well for the other wives. I just wish people would be more considerate I guess.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 6, 2015

    It is hard to deal with him asking my friends, when he asks other women I feel anxious and scared, but even a little excited like who is she? Is she nice? Can we get along? It’s a scary but exciting feeling. But when he goes for friends I just feel dread, I’ve known them for years and know their flaws. It’s hard to discuss their flaws with him without him thinking I’m just jealous.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 6, 2015

    @Gail lol you crack me up. Yes I agree I feel he is too immature right now I ask Allah much to grant him maturity and I thank Allah much we are not in polygamy yet. We are only in our early 20’s so I try and try and try to give him excuses for his immaturity. At the end of the day I have lashed out and hurt him but I’m not proud of it and I strive each day to just learn to deal with my own emotions rather than lashing out. I can’t control him but I sat down at the beginning of the year and really thought do I want to live with him or without him? I thought of the good things about our marriage and the bad and definitely the good outweighed the bad I experience. So I’m here, he tries very very hard and is so sweet in so many ways I just can’t wait until we’re in our elder years and he’s more mature lol. Who knows maybe a 2nd wife will be chewing off his ear about the same things I do and he’ll realise the problem is within himself
    Once the sex acts were discussed I realised I was far too caught up in his search, we discuss it from time to time, yesterday he asked if I would ever go out with his other wife and I responded if she was nice and Allah fearing and we got along for sure. If not then I wouldn’t fake it. I’m not writing off friendship but I am not pushing 100% for it, we’ll see what we get when we get it. May Allah guide and reward him, he truly is a good husband when you consider what others are putting up with out there mine is 1 of the good guys.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I hear you about not trading your experience for anything else.I wouldn’t trade mine either. It’s beautiful. It’s not always a bed of roses, but it’ sooo rewarding and fulfilling. I believe it’s a blessing. The thought of getting our souls right to have an opportunity to enter Jannah/Paradise is well worth all that we go through. I think it is, anyhow

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’m with you; I’m not advocating violence either, but if Ruqayyah’s husband keeps jerking her around with his NON SENSE, she needs to rip him a new @$$ hole, then maybe he’ll straighten up and fly right.

    Oh, such is life.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    I just lost a friggin post SIGH.

    @Gail,

    I don’t know what is wrong with me, but just about everything you said to Ruyayyah had me cracking up laughing. LOL I don’t know what you’re doing up so late. It’s 2:40 a.m. on Saturday morning where I am. I have to get up for Fajr (morning) prayer in less than an hour and 1/2, so I better go hit the sack until then.

    I’m so glad you stopped in!!! We have a new commentator who got bit by a Pakistani man and is in need of help. Sis Gail, what in the world are we going to do about these gaming Pakistani men? Sigh

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back. Over and out…

  • Gail

    June 6, 2015

    mari2,
    The lasers r great but not for basal cell carcinoma.I had to have the cancer cut out/surgically removed with stitches the whole 9 yards.Last night my daughter spotted another one on my back.I have to go tuesday to see if it is another cancer or not.I am doing laser treatments for small broken blood vessels that were on my face and my red face Rosasca.

  • Gail

    June 6, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    Holy crap I had no idea u had it that bad that he was talking sex acts with another wife.Something does not sit right with me when u said that about him.Now granted my husband has done some really dumb immature things in his life but he has never tried to make me jealous about his 1st wife ever.Had he ever done anything even remotely like that I would have hurt him I am certain of it.Not that I am advocating u hurting your husband but seems to me to be honest he is to immature to even consider polygamy at this time in his life talking like that.
    I don’t blame u now that I know what he has said to u about sex acts etc… I would never help him either.I sure would not fight with another woman over him in the future as it is the most idiot thing to do I feel.
    Woman as a whole don’t get the fact that the husband only picks the other wife and that is it.If woman r smart the would team together and make their lives heaven instead of hell but… normally one of the woman or both or every how many would rather fight and bicker than have peace and strive for a stress free marriage I think.Believe me I myself could not get along enough with my own cowife as she drove me crazy and I her.
    Again I don’t blame u at all after what u have stated I would tell him to go fly a kite right off the cliff to be exact.

  • Mari2

    June 5, 2015

    Ana,
    Great topic and one that I need to hear again and again so I can get it into my head. Of course my natural inclination is to want to possess M. And you are so right about how part of that is embedded in how we were raised. I constantly remind myself that M does not belong to me. On one level I get that completely. But there are baser levels within myself that compete with the reality that Allah has set forth. This is my test. Allah, and prayer can guide me thru it for sure. However, it isn’t easy. I am grateful for the test and am growing up with regards to putting Allah first. I slip sometimes and go back to making M my lord, usually in response to some perceived competition with second wife which is usually the result of my own mind messing with me. It’s one step forward and two steps back sometimes. But honestly I would not trade this experience for anything else. It just seems to be where I need to be.

    As for a husband seeking out a friend sister for a wife. No. It’s hard enough to have a co wife relative to husband. If he married a friend of mine, I would not know how I would deal with that.
    Gail…awesome hearing about the effects of laser treatments. I am saving for my cheek fillers and laser treatment on my chest to repair years of sun exposure. I’ve got some basal spots on my face too in need of some treatment. My dermatologist told me the Irish were never supposed to leave Ireland and go to spring break in Florida. …lol. I pray for your continued health and happiness.

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I agree 100 % with all that you said. I could see how one would think it should be like a slumber party all the time when the husband marries his first wife’s friend as a second wife. When it’s just the two and not all three of you together, it would rouse suspicion. Satan enters and all he’ll breaks loose when the one wife is alone. It’s a no win situation for both wives, if they want to maintain their friendship.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 3, 2015

    Also add to it the jealousy of having “lose” a part of your husband coupled with losing a part of your friend… watching how you were once more important to each of them but suddenly they are more important to one another although he still loves you. It would be very difficult. I’ve always asked him to steer clear of my friends but he just wont listen

  • Ruqayyah

    June 3, 2015

    @Ana yes I agree. Although I had to go through what I went through to realise that I shouldn’t be helping him. I lost a friend because she immediately tried to go behind my back and turn him agaisnt me. It was a bit dramatic lol but she felt like we had to be fighting so he and she could begin a relationship. Well thats how it seemed to me.
    Anyways I have only seen 1 instance work out where wives were friends before and after the marriage although I think since the divorce of the 2nd wife They are not as close. It definitely changes a friendship in a way. It sounds nice to chose a friend but I think we expect too much from our friends and are less likely to give them space and expect every day to be a slumber party which is not going to happen. I only hope to get along well eventually with her if he is to remarry so that we can be a helping hand when needed if thats whats best.

  • anabellah

    June 3, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I suggest you not help him with any of your friends because I believe if he were to marry one of them, you and she wouldn’t be friends any longer. You could kiss that friendship goodbye There would be a conflict of interest. She can’t be your friend and his friend, as well. A husband and wife bond is stronger than any other bond besides parent and child. Her loyalty will be to him, as your should, as well. He will be the priority in both your lives and the friendship (true friendship) would be history. You and she will be pitted against each other. You both would want to be the most loved of your husband. She may reveal to him things that you have told her in the past and it will cause problems between you and your husband. Furthermore, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), as far as I know, never ask his wives to go find another wife for him. I think it’s best you let him go find himself another woman. If he thinks have another wife and he has to hunt one down, let him do it. I’d tell him to stop talking his nonsense to you, as well.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 3, 2015

    @Gail, hahaha my husband has done worse than just talk about getting another wife, he has described sexual acts he would do with her, teases me about how he would favour her etc. I’m at the point where I don’t care. Don’t care to hear it until he grows up a bit. Until then I refuse to be part of it, he can run himself into the ground looking for her and dreaming about his life with 2 wives or he can face reality, see he has 1 wife who actually cares about him and try to make that relationship work. For the most part he does try so hard to be a good husband and the idiocy is just random spurts of immaturity so I’m sticking around.
    I have told him to knock it off with my friends, I do not discuss anything about my friends with him now no matter how much he asks. Or I let him know they are taken if they are so he’ll leave me alone.
    The reason I will not help him find a wife is quite simple, you cannot help someoen who they are out of touch with reality. I tried to help him the last time, he asked me to help him as he didn’t know what women were like and needed my help so I could find someone nice to fit into our family. So he went for my friend/acquaintance who I know to be very crazy, jealous and possessive in polygamy. She admitted more than once that marrying as a 2nd wife in the past was a big mistake as she needs constant attention. Upon approaching her it was her response also, no she wont marry him. He let her know we have a strong relationship and I was supporting him in marrying her (lies but whatever at least he didn’t tell her that I am crazy/depriving him of sex etc like half the men out there). So she goes onto say how I will hurt her, he thinks he knows me but he doesn’t blah blah blah. I fought very hard against him marrying her because he had originally asked for my help, then when I realised that he wasn’t going to listen I told him fine, marry her if you want but I don’t support it I just wont stand in your way and I want it kept separate to me because she is too much for me to handle. By now she was messaging us both constantly and in a very innappropriate way. She said i was the reason she wouldn’t marry him but she would have loved to otherwise, so he forced me to message her and say I was supportive and did not care. Anyways long story short she stuffed it up for herself by spreading rumours etc.
    Afterwards he asked about another friend of mine, I have nothing bad to say about the girl at all. I have only good to say so I said go for it. But he refused, why? Because she was a virgin and probably too much work for him. He said if he went ahead and married her and she was trouble he would blame me for getting him into a bad situation.
    Now he has 1 wife and no women in his market, so what does he do? Tells me its my fault if I hadn’t of said friend 1 was good (the 1 I knew was crazy and fought against) he would have had a wife by now but I made him waste his time with her.
    So how can I help someone find a wife when the bad ones are blamed on me and the good ones are ignored because of stupid stuffed up reasons like they’re a virgin?
    I honestly feel like polygamy wont be enough for him, I feel like he needs to have 2 wives be jealous of him and especially have the 2nd wife be jealous and possessive and try to take him from me. I may be wrong, and I hope I am but it’s the feeling I get from him when he speaks about it. If I am right I only hope Allah takes that stupidity from his brain before we end up in a difficult situation

  • Gail

    June 3, 2015

    Ana,
    My sinuses are suck as usual.AS I am typing this both my ears are clogged up.I use flonase but it is not really helping.Neti pot seems to help the best but i have to do it daily or else it just creeps back up.
    Sorry to here about your allergies.I am heading out the door to go find a swim shirt so the kids and i start swimming.So u and your hubby are only a yr ahead of us that’s neat to know.I sure have learned alot in this marriage.My first marriage was 15 yrs.Dang I feel old saying that hahaha

  • anabellah

    June 3, 2015

    @Gail,

    It’s really good to hear from you, as always! I’m so happy for you that you had the laser and you’re very happy with the results. Technology is amazing these days. You’ve had so many wonderful things happened for you since your move – losing weight, the laser and your potential investments. I admire you for your high spirit and enthusiasm, which is awe inspiring.

    Happy anniversary in advance in case you are not here with us on the 12th. Isn’t it amazing how quickly the years pass? It was 13 years for my hubz and I on May 24th. Yay 🙂 all is good with us.

    How are you doing with your sinus problems? I found out I’m allergic to wheat and multigrain. It’s weird. Now when I make spaghetti, I use pasta made out of corn. It’s delicious.

  • Gail

    June 3, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    I am sorry your husband is being so insensitive towards u.Gosh how could any husband talk about getting another woman in front of his wife.I would go Ape $h!t.Thanks G.D that is one thing my husband never did because I would have beat him like a dog which I have a few times in the past.I think if your husband can be so forward to be scoping out your friends then u can also be forward and tell him to knock off before he gets hurt.lol
    Now i will say this everything aside.If u have a friend that u love that is needing a husband and u think u could handle her being your cowife then I say that would be a huge blessing in the long run because I see it like this… The man can have up to 4 wives fine he can pick the wives fine but that is all he can do… after that if the wives got along and banned together it would be a huge blessing on the polygamous marriage verses having to deal a cowife u don’t know and more than likely may have jealousy issues.There is something to be said for old friends.Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton made a song “Old Friends” nice song!
    Soooo what I am trying to say is that maybe just maybe even though u did not want a friend as a cowife and G.D knows your husband is going about it very rudely maybe it is something u should seriously think about.Obviously he wants polygamy so why not take charge because to me it seems he is asking for your help in a nonverbal sort of way.Just some food for thought!

  • Gail

    June 3, 2015

    Ana,
    Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.I have been so busy lately working daily on the truck and dealing the kids schooling.I have been doing laser treatments on my face and totally loving it.I got serious to fix my spider veins on my face and my redness from Rosacea.Not bragging but my face looks amazing!! It is so strange but had I not had skin cancer I would have never went for laser therapy.Laser does not prevent u from getting cancer or anything like that but mentally i feel like I am doing best for my skin.All I can say about Laser therapy is Wow Wow and Wow!!!
    I hope all is going well for everyone!Hubby and I will be celebrating our 12 yr wedding anniversary June 20th.

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2015

    Who knows? Once your husband stops putting in so much effort to find a wife, one may readily present herself to him. The truth to life lies in the opposite.

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2015

    Ask Allah to give you the strength and willingness to accept whatever His decisions are. He answers prayers…

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You seem to have given the matter a lot of thought. You have a good idea what you want that would work best for you. Alhumdulliah. I don’t doubt for a second that your husband has some very good qualities, you both love each other and the marriage is worth holding onto. With regard to his desire for another wife, all you need do is sit back and watch Allah’s plan unfold. I think you’re going to be okay. 🙂

  • Ruqayyah

    June 2, 2015

    @Ana, yes it can get quite frustrating. I just want to enjoy our time as it is. Partly it was my fault, I believed knowing from the beginning would be better for me to accept but over time I realised I don’t want to know every little thought. I’ve since told him just to tell me after he has his 1st meeting with her if it goes well. If it doesn’t go well don’t bother telling me anyways. I supposed I will feel a bad way if he ever comes to me and says he met someone but I will need to deal with those emotions when the time comes, I hate the idea of my husband meeting another woman planning to marry her. But I love him and can’t imagine being without him, it’s something I know I can accept but I just don’t want the search in my face every day.

    He definitely gets on my nerves at times but apart from this 1 issue he is a wonderful husband, Allah has seriously blessed me with goodness in him 🙂 And the goodness is all from Allah. No marriage is without its struggles and mine is polygamy, or actually the prospect of it… I have explained to him asking me to pick a wife and be in the decision is like asking me to stab myself. It hurts me but I don’t want to oppress him, so either I oppress him and hurt our relationship or I give him ‘permission’ to hurt my feelings. I’d rather just have it thrown upon me so I can be mad, get upset and then build a bridge and get over it.

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I totally get your frustration. I imagine I’d be aggravated, if I had to deal with a husband who is constantly trying to find a woman to become his second wife. It’s ludicrous. I’m with you. You should leave him out there on his own to look. It’s not your responsibility to help hook him up with another wife. You and he should be enjoying your marriage and each other now in monogamy.

    I suggest you tell him straight that if he’s going to be polygamous, he is on his own with it. You’re not going to help him in anyway. He’s the one whose got to live with the woman and sleep with the woman, not you. No one knows until the couple are in the marriage and living it whether it will work or not. I’d tell him to let you know when he has a prospect who has said yes and they’ve set the date. I wouldn’t continue to let him jerk you around with the matter. You are right; if anything goes wrong in the union and you were instrumental in setting it up, you’d be blame for the failure of it. Wash your hands of it.

    Allah may not have decreed for him to ever have another wife besides you, yet you and he are going through changes because of him chasing his desires. It’s crazy. It could go on for years. Who has time for it? Life is short. Keep messing around with him you’ll look like an old, ugly, hag worrying about him and him chasing women, looking for a wife.

    It’s not a good life to live with a husband chasing tail. You really need to take a back seat with it all and focus your attention on growing nearer to Allah and being at peace and content in your life today. Don’t stress yourself out. If he stresses himself out with trying to chase down something that may not be for him, let him. SIGH I think something is wrong with men who run about trying to get another wife. It stresses me out just thinking about them going that route. If it’s meant to be for him to have another wife, he will meet someone naturally and it will easily happen. What’s for us will never pass us and what passes us was never for us. He’s getting on my nerves and I don’t even know him.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 2, 2015

    @Ana, yes you’re right I am fearing of the unknown. I know that Allah will always be there, I keep repeating to myself no matter what, no matter if my husband has just me, or 4 wives all together, it is Allah’s will. I fear a bad co wife but I realise that if the situation is toxic I am allowed to leave, it is not me disliking polygamy but disliking a bad situation.. and perhaps it is my test also. I don’t plan on leaving but I can if I need to and it may be that Allah has destined for me to be divorced as a test. Anything, any situation out there whether I am happily in monogamy, polygamy, or alone is a test. I pray that He allows me to accept whatever my fate is 🙂

    Right now I’m dealing with the frustrating feeling of my husband interrogating me about my friends. We always agreed he’d find a co wife who I didn’t know lol it’s funny how we come to realise promises mean nothing because it may have been that Allah has decreed the opposite of what we promise. But anyways its an awkward feeling, he might see me leaving the masjid with a sister and suddenly his voice will change and he’ll ask who she is, if she’s single, if she’s a good sister etc. It is so awkward and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. He says its too hard to find a sister outside of my circle of friends, he doesn’t know how to find a wife so I should help him or he’ll go for my friends. He wants my help says he needs my help and trusts me, but I know better. He doesn’t trust my judgement so I’d rather just stay out of it and leave it in the hands of Allah. It is just guilting me to say that if I don’t help he’ll find someone bad, so I have to help so that he will find someone who is good to me. Neither of us is in control of that, I need to put my trust in Allah that IF he marries again then the sister will be good to me if Allah wills. My husband cannot put the blame on me if she is a bad sister, it was his choice, but when I get involved as he asks me to he blames me if it goes sour. I’m tired of being expected to be responsible, I asked him to leave me alone on the issue, I want to meet her but I want to be left alone until my husband decides he likes her. After all its not my marriage but his, its not my responsibility but his. I just hope that I don’t lose too many friends along the way, I’ve already lost 1 because of his approaching her for marriage.

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m with you that you’ve come a VERY,VERY, VERY long way in accepting that polygamy is part of our way of life and is alright. You’ve done well. Actually, you’ve done darn good!!!

    I think what you’re dealing with now is fear of the unknown. It’s pretty much what fear is all about. Your husband isn’t in a polygamous marriage, but yet you fear that one day he will be. You fear how he will be towards you. You mentioned you fear that he may favor the other wife over you. You fear you may be left alone.

    It’s been said that what we fear manifests itself. It comes to fruition. It happens. I’m familiar with the saying that “Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to be.” If you fear Allah is not going to be there for you, protect you and guide you etc. Then guess what? He won’t. It’s plain and simple.

    Fear is bad. Allah says in the Holy Quran to fear Him and Him alone. If we fear anything other than Allah then something is clearly wrong. I’m not talking about a person who sees a rattle snake crawling up toward him or her and the person gets scared. I’m talking about unfounded fears. To fear a husband will love the other wife more is an unfounded fear, especially when the husband hasn’t met a woman to marry as a second wife yet.

    You have to get to a point that you believe Allah will never leave you out there alone. Even if your husband takes another wife and he’s not with you some of the times, you must believe that if you are a believer, Allah will take care of you and you will never be alone as Allah is always with you. His angels are always with you. He’ll protect you. He’ll help you. He’ll guide you etc.

    I used to be so full of fears before I became Muslim. As I studied Islam, read the Quran, offered all my salats, tried to do all I could to serve and worship Allah, tried to obey His commands, AND asked Allah to remove the fears, practically all my fears vanished. It’s unbelievable how far I’ve come with becoming fearless. It’s like day and night.

    You just have to work on your fears and not entertain Satan’s whispers that are causing you the fears. It’s Satan whispering to you that you’re going to be left out there alone and your husband will love the other wife more than you, if he becomes polygamous. Satan is messing with your head. Don’t listen to him. You either listen to Allah or to Satan…

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    I could speak about pain. I know the pain can and does go away completely. It takes a lot of praying and pleading to Allah to remove the pain and heartache. It takes a lot of perseverance. We do get tested on how much we want something, are willing to hang in there and win the battle with ourselves or will we despair and give up? It’s not an overnight quick fix for sure. We have to get ourselves right with Allah. It means doing all he commands of us, turning to him for help and remembering Him.

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Jealousy and envy will rear their ugly heads every now and again. I don’t think they go away completely, never to return again. They should appear less frequently in time (when one increases in belief).

    One has to learn to recognize the emotions (jealousy and envy) when they arise and check oneself. I, for instance, may get hit with the feeling of envy. I know it’s envy because I know the feeling inside me. I recognize it immediately. I recognize it now as a sick, disgusting feeling. I’ll quickly say to myself, wow, look at you (me). You’re envious. I immediately think – ugly. You’re envious and it’s so not cool. I remember Allah and that envy is very bad. It’s not liking what Allah has given someone, and having a problem with what he has given someone. The feeling then goes away and I get myself right. It all happens so quickly. Just as quickly as the feeling comes, it could go away.

    So, to answer your question, I don’t think jealousy goes away completely forever. Allah knows best. I think it surfaces every now and again. One has to get to the point where it doesn’t surface often and get to the point where as quickly as the feeling came it goes away.

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    @Ruquayyah,

    You asked a very good question about jealousy and feeling possessive. I think, many times, they go hand in hand.

    Feeling possessive goes away once we truly realize and believe that we don’t own anything. Allah gives according to His Will and Plan. Allah places people in the relationship they are in. He placed them with whomever they end up with. We mustn’t have a problem with it. One has to truly believe it in His or Her heart that He is calling the shots. It takes talking to Allah in prayer, asking him to remove the base emotions from our hearts. We have to ask him to purify our hearts.

    People make the mistake in thinking they can work on themselves and get rid of the negative emotions. They think they can work on themselves and fix things. They believe they can do it. They can’t do it. Allah has to do it for them. They have to want it and seek it. Allah is the Doer of all things. He removes those base emotions from our hearts. Many people don’t turn to Allah for help. They think they have the power to fix themselves. They don’t have the power to do anything unless Allah will it. Allah out of His Mercy makes things happen for us.

    When a wife believes that the man she is married to is not hers and He belongs to Allah, she doesn’t feel possessive any longer. Eventually she doesn’t care where he goes or what he does, as he’s doing what Allah has decreed for him to do. He goes where ever Allah decreed for him to go. Who are we to take exception to it, and not like it?

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our blog family

    @alison,

    I’m so happy you liked the post. I thought the topic was important to speak. It seems no one else out there is talking about the important things that impact our lives daily. So, thank you for letting me know it was a good subject. Insha Allah, I’ll write more on topics of that nature.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 1, 2015

    I wonder if that jealous and possessive feeling ever goes away or is it something you just learn to control? I’ve gotten to a point where I no longer break down at the thought of polygamy, but I am still very jealous I fear and even have nightmares of him sleeping with other women and me being left out and alone. I am scared of him being with someone else in case my fear comes true and he prefers her to me etc. Although I think I’ve come a long way in accepting it as the Qadr of Allah and something perfectly halal and natural.

  • alison

    June 1, 2015

    Salaam this is beyond hitting nail on the head this is so on point Mashaallah…thanks for this reminders and post many more 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 31, 2015

    If you take a good look at your marriage and analyze it, you’ll probably see this thing called love is not taking you through the changes. The fact that the other woman is in his life and yours now is causing the problems. It’s not a matter of love.