A Wife Who Has A Diseased Heart

A Wife Who Has A Diseased HeartEvery so often, I speak about a wife who has a diseased heart, not a particular wife, but any wife. Let me explain what I mean by it with regard to a wife who is in a polygamous marriage. Particularly, I base it on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. He says anyone who is moved by desire has a diseased heart.

An example of a wife who has one is a wife who is jealous or envious or bitter, or one who is selfish and the like. Although some have said one of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives (one of the Mothers of the Believers) was jealous at times, which I have no doubt, it doesn’t mean that it is okay.

The stories in the Quran that Allah tells us to commemorate lets us know that there is no good in jealousy and anything of the sort. It’s not acceptable. Stories such as the one about the brothers Cain and Able, and the one about the brothers of Prophet Joseph (PBUH) lets us know that jealousy is evil.

A wife who has a diseased heart needs to work on her soul

To take it a step further, her soul is evil.  Allah tells us that the soul is inclined towards evil. It goes to show that emotions such as jealousy and envy are not good in themselves. Satan tells people as in whispers to them that those emotions are okay; although they are not.

A wife may need to make it her personal jihad to rid herself of those lowly emotions. At least for a wife who wants a pure heart and knows how important it is, she need to do so. One needs a pure heart to enter Jannah/Paradise.

If one reads the Quran, she would know that Allah tells us to slay ourselves. Unlike what some think, it does not mean to kill oneself or to commit suicide. Rather, it means one must slay her desires. If her desire is not connected to the worship of Allah, possibly it’s one that will get her into trouble.

A wife who has a diseased heart may act out against her husband or his other wife

It’s the result of the base emotions that I mentioned above. The desires caused the disease in the heart. A wife may want something that is not for her. For instance, she may want a monogamous marriage when Allah has decided a polygamous one for her. Her desire is other than what Allah has decreed for her.

We must not oppose Allah with our desires. If a woman is in a polygamous marriage, it is because Allah placed her in it for His reason(s). Maybe it’s a blessing, or maybe it’s a curse. Only Allah knows.

Many women suffer in polygamous marriages. A wife may dislike her marriage for no other reason than her husband became polygamous. She may blame it on other reasons, when it’s really that she doesn’t want to share her husband. Of course she dislikes her life, and it is due to what is in her heart.

A wife needs to know of the condition and of the cure. Only Allah can cure a diseased heart. Allah is the only One who heals us.

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A wife who has a diseased heart

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13 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2017

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Nice post! I’m with you with all that you said.

    Happy Jummah, today! 🙂

  • ummof4

    July 14, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and welcome to all,

    Umm Ain, it’s good to hear from you. I do remember you. In my little opinion, you are doing an excellent job of being a servant of Allah(SWT). I agree that you have made all the right moves regarding your husband’s other marriage. Too often, wives believe the polygynous marriage has to be one big happy family (sorry Gail, I know you disagree). However, my life experience has shown that it is best if we view it as our husband has 2 marriages. This doesn’t mean there should be conflict, but the husband has completely different relationships with each wife because each wife is a different woman.
    Don’t feel guilty. Life changes and we often have to change with it. I agree with Ana, spending more time with your shared husband has increased the emotional attachment towards him in his other wife.

    I never had a close relationship with my co-wife years ago. We were in the same Muslim community and saw each other, even worked on committees together for the masjid. We were sisters in Islam before she married my husband, while she was married to my husband, and now after they are divorced. Alhamdulillah, Allah has given us the freedom to choose our friends and companions, we don’t have to become close friends with our co-wives unless we want to. Each of us has to do what is best for our deen, our soul, and our life.

    Marriage is an important part of our life, but not our entire life. If that was the case, all people who are not married would be dead. Single, divorced, and widowed Muslims live full, interesting, productive lives worshipping Allah just as much as married ones. Often Muslims quote the hadeeth, “Marriage is half of faith”, so people who are not married feel pressured to get married and feel that if they are single, divorced or widowed, they are less of a Muslim. Well, there is also a hadeeth that states, “Cleanliness is half of faith”, and there are others that state the same thing.

    Everyone have a successful day worshipping Allah, Our Creator, Sustainer and Lord of all that exists.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    July 14, 2017

    Thank you Sis Ana for the encouraging words. At least now I don’t feel so guilty and hope that Allah will always guide me towards His pleasure.

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  • anabellah

    July 14, 2017

    Entering Jannah/Paradise is not about appeasing and pleasing a husband. It’s about obeying and worshiping Allah. Many get it twisted because of the false information that they receive.

    There was a woman/wife who was here years ago who said she tries time and time again to befriend her co-wives. She stated that she tries because she wants to be able to answer Allah when He asks her if she tried hard enough to befriend her co-wife. That is so ludicrous. It’s baffling to say the least. In fact, it down right shocked me.

    Jannah is not about polygamy. It’s not about a spouse. It’s about obeying Allah in ALL things. On the Day of Judgement, what’s going to matter is whether a person’s good deeds collectively outweigh the bad, so the person can enter Jannah. The person needs to hope for a lenient reckoning. Life is about Allah, it’s not about a spouse.

    One should ask oneself if one is obeying Allah in ALL things. The Quran is FULL and COMPLETE. Allah says so. I’m just repeating what He tells us – that the Quran is replete with knowledge and He protects the Quran. It has all that we need.

    Life is not about marriage. Only a small amount of material in the Quran deals with marriage. There is a whole lot more to life and living. Obeying Allah encompasses a whole lot more.

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2017

    Ummu Ain,

    There is nothing that says a wife needs to embrace her husband’s other wife/wives when he becomes polygamous. In fact, it may be good that the wives don’t embrace each other. It all depends on who the person is and her character.

    In the Quran, Allah tells us who to befriend and who not to befriend. He tells us all we need to know about people. Furthermore, he tells us not to take those outside of our ranks into our intimacy. Usually believers can spot other believers. Believers should be with believers.

    Allah tells us not to take unbelievers rather than believers as friends. There is soooooo much in the Quran that lets us know all about people. It’s for us to make a judgement call about the people we come in contact with. It’ what you must do in terms of how to deal with your husband’s other wife.

    Who is she? What is she about? What does she believe? It usually takes one spending time with the other to know what he or she is all about. A person can tell, especially if she or he has read the Quran and knows the characteristics of the various types of people. A person’s dialogue tells one a lot about a person

    What you’ve stated in your post lets me know that you best not associate with your husband’s other wife right now. Additionally, continue to have him not speak to you about her. It appears to me that she means you no good. You and your four children are now without a husband full-time, because he has taken her as a wife. She can’t even show her gratitude to Allah for having given her a husband. She wants a divorce, because she’s greedy and wants him all to herself. It’s a prime example of one who has a diseased heart, if you ask me.

    For a wife not to befriend her husband’s other wife doesn’t mean that she has no responsibility in making the polygamous arrangement work. She is responsible for accepting Allah’s decision and not doing anything to oppose it or hinder it.

    To me, it appears you are doing very good in that you understand that your husband works where the other wife is and is pursuing his Master Degree. You’re not standing in the way of it, but are going along with what Allah has decided. You know he has decided it because it is real. It’s a reality. It is happening now. Allah decides all things.

  • anabellah

    July 14, 2017

    Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It has been quite some time since we last heard from you. Thank you for continuing to participate and for updating us.

    What I kind of get from what you described is that initially you and your husband’s other wife were being cordial to each other. You were both trying to play nice. She was new on the scene, so she had to watch her pssss and qsss. Over time, things changed. She was no longer getting him a week while you had him three. Basically, she now has the upper hand. Basically, you only get weekends now. It appears to have balanced out.

    The problem is that she maybe becoming more emotionally attached to him, as she spends more time with him now. She’s settling in to them being REALLY married and probably no longer wants to share a husband. When he goes to you, even though it’s only for the weekend, it is huge. He’s going back home to his wife and their four kids. Ouch! That hurts. She doesn’t want to be a part of that anymore. She wants monogamy now, and the only way to get it is by him divorcing you. It is why she’s requesting a divorce now. She hopes that she means so much to him that he would divorce you to keep her. She really doesn’t want the divorce. She’s just trying to force his hand.

    I’d like to know how she’d respond, if he were to tell her that she best be sure she wants the divorce, because if, in fact, she does, he will give her one. He needs to call her bluff. He may not do it, if he really fears losing her.

    It’s what I get from what you’ve stated.

    To be continued….

  • Ummu 'Ain

    July 13, 2017

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww Sis Ana & all the lovely ladies in this space.

    It has been a very very long while since I last dropped in, although I do visit once in a while to read your blog, Sis Ana. I can never survive polygamy without this blog which I’m pretty sure is one of those things that Allah has brought to me to help me through what He has wanted for me. Alhamdulillah.

    Well anyway, I have dropped in today after reading the above post. It has triggered me to write as there has been something bugging me these past few months.

    My polygamous marriage is turning 4 this year. I have been building a cordial relationship with my co-wife. She is staying in another country and our schedule has been 3 weeks here and 1 week there. All was under control, Alhamdulillah.

    However, since last year, my husband has expanded his business and has started pursuing his Master’s degree in the country she is in. Meaning that he has to spend more time there which changed our schedule to him being here only on weekends from Friday to Monday when he works and the rest of the weekday there to tend to his business and attend classes. Only once in a while will he take a break and spend an entire week with me and our 4 kids.

    I have always been in touch with my co-wife, but as my husband’s time there became more frequent, it caused some sort of strain between my relationship with her which I feel is funny. I can only assume that it happened as she grew to understand more of the relationship I have with my husband and when the reality of polygamy set in. It’s as though she had started to dislike and not accept the idea of our marriage to be polygamous. Since then, she has asked for divorce from my husband a number of times.

    It was during this period that I decided to stop being in touch with her as somehow it was also affecting my relationship with my husband. I decided to draw a line between my marriage and her marriage with my husband and told my husband that I don’t want to know what is going on with their relationship anymore. If he is there he is to focus on being her husband and when he is with me, I just want to focus on being his wife.

    I felt that I just had to do that so as to save both our marriages. Hence, now I don’t have any contact with her and not even ask my husband how she is any more. I am fully focussing on my own marriage, without disregarding their marriage, of course.

    Alhamdulillah, this seems to work and it fixed my relationship with my husband. I have even more peace than ever in going through this polygamous marriage.

    However, I feel guilty at times but I don’t know why. And now that I read your post, Sis Ana… I can’t help but wonder am I doing the right thing? Do I need to have a good to great relationship with my co-wife in order for Allah to accept my marriage as a good polygamous one and for Him to accept me as a good servant to Him?

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  • anabellah

    July 11, 2017

    miranda,

    I think you outlined all the reasons to leave him and move on to find peace and contentment in your life. It doesn’t sound to me that your major issues have much to do with trying to accept polygamy, but more in that you and he are just not compatible anymore. If you don’t love your husband anymore or just aren’t feeling him in any kind of way and want a fresh start for you and your daughter, there is nothing wrong with that as far as I can see.

    Make duah to Allah to guide you to that which is best for you and your daughter. Allah says He hears the complaints of the husband and wife when they call on him for help. You very well may be happier moving on without him. I’m sorry to hear that he’s said some very hurtful things to you that you can’t forget. There are lessons in that for all of us to be careful with our tongues.

    As you said, just try to take it a day at a time. Insha Allah, you’ll soon know what intention you should make whether it’s to stay or to leave and you’ll get inspired in that direction. {{{hugs}}} 🙂

  • miranda

    July 11, 2017

    Salaams.
    yes I did post a while back and am more of a silent reader. this blog has helped me alot. thank you. I just had my 15 year anniversary. I guess in a nut shell the problems hubby and I had before second marraige has just gotten worse. his second marraige was not arranged, he married a divorced, single mom from our community, whom was a friend of a friend. my husband pushed for second wife very quickly and I feel I did not have a lot of time to think about it or figure out how this effects me long term. besides normal problems like jelousy and dealing with schedule. I just feel like I am trapped in this 3 way relationship that I don’t really want. I truly feel that I want a fresh start on my own . we have one child together, so we will always be in each others lifes. my heart is broken by so many harsh words spoke in arguments and I think there is just too much water under the bridge. I am currently taking some time away from him to think about things. so he is staying at number 2’s house . I have tried to believe that this is my test, I have owned my part in the fall of our relationship and maybe I deserved to lose him. but I feel I don’t deserve to watch him be married to someone else for the rest of my life, if I feel like this situation is breaking me. I just don’t like the person I have become this last year and half. I just try to take it one day at a time.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2017

    miranda, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I kind of thought you had been here before, so I checked before welcoming you again. Here is a link to your first post just over a year ago now miranda’s first post

    Why do you think you’re so unhappy? I read in one of your other posts that you met your husband when you were traveling in India. I’m wondering if his other wife was an arranged marriage. Maybe you could share a bit about what is troubling you, so that perhaps we could help.

  • anabellah

    July 11, 2017

    Ummi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome to the blog.

    I’m glad to hear that you found the article helpful. It’s a wonderful reminder for me as well, and it’s applicable to all aspects of our lives.

    Ummi, something that you said in your post caught my attention. You stated, “I’ve be struggling more lately with my resentment for being the wife who always has to take the selflish route and sacrifice (even though I do it for Allah’s sake, not my husbands or sisterwife).”

    Although you have good intentions, if you were taking the selfless route and making the sacrifices, seeking the good pleasure of Allah and the rewards that come with it, you’d feel no resentment. The resentment is a good indication for you that you are doing it for something other than to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

    I could see you saying that you’ve been struggling. It’s understandable. We all struggle when we try to make a huge change in our lives for the better. Struggling to be selfless and sacrificing (in the cause of Allah) is a huge challenge.

    Insha Allah, try to find out what you’re doing the sacrificing for or for whom. If one believes that Allah controls all things, that He disposes of our affairs and is a Just God, then there should be no resentment about what He has decreed. It’s just something to think about.

  • miranda

    July 11, 2017

    I relate to this post as sometimes I feel that way. Have been in this situation. 18 months. I feel like I have tried. I just don’t see a future with my husband anymore. we have grown so far apart. we had intimacy problems before he got 2nd wife. in last year and half it has gotten worse. just want peace in my life. unfortunately feel no peace in this situation . my heart is not diseased. it is just sad.

  • Ummi

    July 11, 2017

    Assalalam alaikum,

    Jazakallah kheir for this sister, Subhannallah the timing of this post is perfect. I’ve be struggling more lately with my resentment for being the wife who always has to take the selflish route and sacrifice (even though I do it for Allah’s sake, not my husbands or sisterwife). It’s serves as a good reminder for me to keep striving for selflessness by way of worship inshaallah.

    Wa alaikum assalam.