A Wife with Children and a Polygamous Husband

a wife with children and a polygamous husbandI often wonder what life is like for a wife with children and a polygamous husband. How do they cope when they are at home caring for the children, all the while the husbands are with their other wives? I’m sure it is a difficult task, and they feel all alone.

Perhaps it is a trial for a wife. She needs to know that Allah gives us trials. He tests us. Particularly, He mostly tries us with what means most to us. A husband means the most to many wives  For wives to get a better understanding, I tell them to read the Holy Quran. Namely read it for the real events that are in there that could apply to our lives as we live today.

A wife with children and a polygamous husband should study the story about Prophet Moses (PBUH)

Specifically, she would find the story very helpful in which Pharaoh had all the male children killed and kept the females alive. Allah said it was a momentous trial from Him. Imagine what the mothers of those slaughtered children went through.

Nonetheless, it was not about blaming Pharaoh and his people who killed them. It’s not what was most important. Most importantly, Allah had Pharoah’s people do it. In reality, it was Allah’s act. They carried it out by the will of Allah.

To repeat, we must learn from those stories. That is to say, one must believe that Allah wrote all that happens. All are quick to blame people, not believing that Allah wrote the script. For one thing, wives blame the husbands and the co-wives for making them unhappy. There is so much in the Quran that lets us see and know it that we mustn’t blame people.

Again, a wife with children and a polygamous husband must ask herself if it is a trial from Allah. What does she think Allah would use to test/try her with? If she doesn’t think along those lines, she will indeed suffer in the polygamous marriage that she is in.

A wife with children and a polygamous husband could find joy in it and come out a winner

In fact, it could be a means to purify her heart. No one expects her to master any of it overnight. It’s a personal battle that one has to fight. No one can fight it for her.

In conclusion, if a wife focuses on her husband, on self and her rights, she can’t see Allah. Those things are blocking her view. Allah says turn all our attention to Him. He says focus on Him. He says remember Him. Therefore, it’s what we must do.

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27 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 21, 2016

    Lima,

    I agree with ummof4. She said something vitally important. Get a feel for what the other woman’s Imam/faith is about, if you can. The only way one gets to know it basically is by conversing with the person. Looks are deceiving. Don’t judge a person only by what they look like or wear, unless of course, she’s got her boobs popping out her sweater, arms bare with skin tight jeans on and stiletto heels – you get the picture?

  • ummof4

    March 21, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Lima, I believe a meeting should happen between a present wife and a prospective wife only if both agree to the meeting. Neither should feel like she is forced to meet the other. Ground rules should be laid down – no bad language, no trying to make the other person feel bad. The present wife should not share intimate details (sex) with the prospective wife. In my opinion, it is best if the two women meet with the husband present, but the women set the tone for the meeting. As Ana suggested, the purpose of the meeting is to get to know about each other and sort of feel where each person is coming from. Get a feel for how the person views Allah and obedience to Him. The husband should not be the focal point of the meeting.

    If a second meeting is held, that is when I believe that logistics should be talked about and worked on – what will be the schedule, what will be the private times that one wife cannot disturb the husband and the other wife. Finances should not be discussed in detail because each marriage will probably work differently.

    Remember, nothing is perfect, and people can change their minds, especially once they enter into a relationship. Marriage is a JOB!, WHETHER IT IS MONOGAMOUS OR POLYGYNOUS!

  • anabellah

    March 21, 2016

    Lima, Hello and welcome

    Would you please elaborate on what you mean by requests of the other wife. I would simply think a sit down with her would be for you to get to know who she is and know something about her. You should ask whatever you want to know. You may want to talk with her about what the schedule will be, where you all will live, what the vacation schedule will be; what will be the hours of shift change, if you want to work it that way; when each of you will communicate with your husband when he is with the other (respect for each others time) – those are the type of things you may want to talk with each other about. It’s up to you, as only you know what you want to know.

    Please tell us more about you and your situation, if you feel so inclined.

  • Lima

    March 21, 2016

    What type of requests should I ask of the other wife to be at a future sit down with my husband and should I make requests of him at this sit down as well

  • Lima

    March 21, 2016

    What type of requests should I ask of the other wife to be at a future sit down with my husband and should I make requests of him at this sit down as well

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2016

    Asiyah12,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling depressed. I wrote a post/theme based on the post that you wrote to me, as I think it would be able to not only help you, but others. The link to it is: https://www.polygamy411.com/sad-that-her-husband-may-become-polygamous/

    Please feel free to write on that thread/post, if you feel like talking more. Thank you.

  • Asiyah12

    March 5, 2016

    Im feeling a little depressed because my husband wants two wives and after talking a little more on it I feel like he maybe wants more that two.It makes me feel like Im not good enough my heart is sad.I did agree to another wife, I was looking at it like atleast hes not cheating.Im not so sure now and hes not gonna change his mind.Honestly I feel lost in this situation and feel like Ill never be happy the way I want to be happy.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2016

    Wifelover, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s good to hear from you and to know you haven’t forgotten us. Alhumdulliah on your new baby. It’s very good news :-) I pray Allah continues to bless you and your family.

  • Wifelover

    February 26, 2016

    Asalamualaikum

    Dear Ana and all in this blog
    She delivered our first baby I m so happy to be a father again. Happiness has come back to my life. I thanked my new wife for the baby I’m happy with her. My first wife is also happy as our relationship made what was expected.
    I m the maid lover turned wifelover as I married my maid while being married to my wife.I love my new wife and baby I m happy man and happy family I would say she came at the right time as my maid now my wife and mother of my child

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    Mari2,

    You gave EXCELLENT advice! A lot of the problems that people have stem from their expectations and they don’t deal with what’s real. Allah places everyone in different situations. We have to deal the hand that we are dealt. Do we sit around constantly and with out end complaining and crying about our lives or do we figure out how to live it and make it work (of course there are situations in which one should NOT try to make it work. They should get out of it, if it pleases Allah. Those aren’t the situations that I speak of right now). If one reads the Holy Quran and the stories that are in it for us to mend our lives by (about all of the Prophets (peace and blessings be upon them all) we will know that there is no ideal. There was no ideal then and there is no ideal now.

    You came from a military family. You had to adjust. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan. He learned to adjust. Prophet Joseph (PBUH) was separated from his family from the time he was a young lad until he was and older man and his parent were elderly. He learned to adjust. Prophet Moses (PBUH) was taken from his biological family and was raised in Pharoah’s household. He learned how to adjust. People have to stop living in their heads, if they want to find peace and contentment in their lives. Those stories in the Quran are no fairy-tales. Allah gave us those stories to apply to our lives.

    What hurts a lot of Muslim women is that they get caught up what some call their “rights”. When I hear it, it means they think they have a right to have all their DESIRES fulfilled. The only rights I’m familiar with off the top of my head and writing quickly is the right to a dowry, the right to be clothed and fed; the right to be housed where the husband is and the right to be treated kindly and justly. We are to be kind and just to all of mankind. All this other talk about rights, where are they getting it from? It can’t be the sunnah. Sunnah is what is what is in the Holy Quran. It’s what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived by. He lived the revelation – the Holy Quran. His young, learned wife Aisha, supposedly said, “He was the walking Quran.”

    Mari2, I agree with you. A wife needs to figure out how she can make her polygamous marriage work. If Allah placed her in a polygamous marriage, it’s what she needs to look at, getting busy with living it the best that she can. She needs to ask, “Now how can I make this work?” You further said, “I think that raising children in polygamy should be looked at in the same way. You are in it, so rather than say “woe is me”, think of ways to make it work. What are workable solutions? Give your husbands realistic suggestions as to how they can help you.”

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Mari2,

    Great advice

  • Mari2

    February 7, 2016

    It can be just as difficult to raise children in monogamous marriages as well. Some men prefer to be involved in the day to day child rearing and household tasks and some do not, or they don’t know how too. Perhaps culture plays a part and perhaps how a man was raised plays a part. Or maybe it’s a combination of both. Raised as a military brat, it was not uncommon for my dad or the fathers of my friends to be gone for long periods of time. My father was only present for the birth of 1 of his 3 kids. I was 4 months old when he first saw me. That’s the trial of many military families and especially the wives. The successful marriages result when the wives say to themselves: this is what I signed up for when I married a military man. Now how can I make this work? I think that raising children in polygamy should be looked at in the same way. You are in it, so rather than say “woe is me”, think of ways to make it work. What are workable solutions? Give your husbands realistic suggestions as to how they can help you. If little Johnny has a parent teacher conference night on a day hubby is with wife 2, give hubby notice and say “I would like it if you would accompany me to Johnny’s conference”. This goes for sporting events, school activities etc. Same thing divorced parents do.

  • Jasmina

    February 1, 2016

    Ana

    Thank you… I needed that reminder. Alhamdulillah. I seem to be whinging a lot lately as there’s a lot going on, just this is an outlet to let it out and get unbiased feedback so thanks. Well I have been working on my weight and lost some and I agreed to pay for my child’s schooling so he seems happier and I was told some nice things last night finally. I guess it’s a give and take. Divorce will be my absolute last resort, I haven’t tried everything else yet.

    Asiya I hear you but we got to let go of the dream and build new dreams around the life we have. I need to do this and have already written up my goals for the year, something I have not done in many years.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    fatima,

    A man would be within his right to defend himself, if he is mentally or physically abused. We all are entitled to defend ourselves when wronged, regardless of who we are. It’s not an easy question to answer though. If a man’s mom slaps his face, should she slap her back? I’d think not. We have to know when to exercise self-restraint as well, and leave it to Allah to deal with the matter.

    I don’t get into, on this blog, whether a husband has the right to beat his wife lightly, as it is a controversial issue and we are on the world-wide-web. I let everyone deal with that subject matter on their own. I have my personal thoughts on the matter and of course it is in accordance with what Allah says in the Holy Quran. I will leave it at that.

    The question was raised once or twice here in the past. It’s best not to address it here. It could open a whole can of worms and get very ugly, if we do. Who has got time for it? I’d say we’ve got enough to deal with. Good question though

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Now that you mentioned it, I think you’re right. It could have been a whole other post sigh and LOL

    I’m kinda falling behind in reading here. I’ve got something hot that I’m working on. Insha Allah, I’ll be able to share it with you all fairly soon. I’m so happy you’re hanging out with us a while longer, fatima. But, I’m just happy you’re here whenever you are able to get here :-)

  • fatima

    February 1, 2016

    Ana, i think what yu wrote to jasmina was brilliant that could be a whole other post

  • fatima

    February 1, 2016

    Assalumualaykum ana,

    I agree with what yu wrote to jasmina,

    I am very curious on something when yu mentioned mentally pr physically abuse, is a man able to protect himself if he is mentally or physically abused by his wives

    And what is your opinion in the rebelliious wife and wife beating subject that islam is dealing with because it seems alot of people have mis understandings about it and different opinions.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    jasmina,

    I suggest that you not compare your marriage to other people’s, as it will only make you ungrateful to your Lord (Allah). It will make you disappointed in what you have. You have a lot to be grateful for. You’re not traveling with your child on foot to another country as a refugee. You’re not standing inline at a soup kitchen, waiting to get food. You’re not doing strenuous work, for long hours, for piddlings. I’m sure you could come up with other scenarios, just as I have.

    Your relationship is how Allah designed it for you. You don’t know how he designed it. You have to figure out the best way to live it and pray you’re doing it right, as you will account for all you do as though you wrote the script. We aren’t supposed to covet what other people have.

    If you can’t get your husband to do what you’d like. It wasn’t for him to do it. Why not think of how you could get barkats (blessings)? Do it yourself with Allah in mind, knowing Allah will reward you for the good that you do. He says He lets no good deed go unrewarded. You’d be better off doing it just to get the barakats. Thank Allah he has given you opportunities to rack up mega barakats. Aren’t we supposed to be trying to get good deeds so they will outweigh the bad so we have a chance to enter Janaah/Paradise? You’ve got to start looking at the big picture. Marriage is NOT the be all and end all in this life. Remember we are on this planet to worship and serve Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I think your question is when do you just accept and when do you apply pressure to get what you want or need. I think the easiest way to know is to talk with your husband about anything. Speak with him about what troubles you or what you’d like the relationship to be like, what you’d like him to improve in etc. Talking calmly to your husband and communicating is good. If it doesn’t give you the results you’re looking for then ask yourself what is left for you to do. If there is nothing except something drastic like divorce, then you have your answer. If what is troubling you is quite significant, then you could resort to the measures afforded to you in the Quran such as mediation with a family member from each side to help you resolve matters, an oath of abstention (I think off the top of my head is 4 months) etc. I suggest that if it is a minor matter that is annoying you, just leave it alone. Accept it. Don’t accept it though and be angry, bitter and upset, as it would do more harm than good. Insha Allah, you’ll get to a place where you accept all that happens with enthusiasm unless it something that you know is wrong and you’re required to act. For instance, Allah says don’t be cowed when an oppressive wrong is done to you, but defend yourself. An oppressive wrong as I would see it is if he’s not clothing you, feeding you, or is physically or mentally abusive to you or if he doesn’t see you at all and you feel you don’t have a husband. If he’s visiting you on a regular, do you have grounds for a complaint?

  • asiya

    February 1, 2016

    As salamu alaykum

    I to relate to this post

    It is a huge trail that is for sure

    The worst is when you had goals or a mind frame for growing and building a family and all the good stuff involved wit it but like jasmine said haha we get stuck with Mr bachelor haha priceless jasmina!

    Dw ur not alone sometimes I question why I married the man why I’m stuck with him although he promises to change and be around more but soon kids will be off to school and it will be a bit late for him I swear I feel it’s the time in my lofe were everybody seems to be drifting off and losing connection everyone is living far life’s than what we once we’re if that makes sense everyone’s to busy for each other…..

    As long as we have Allah and we are doing for him he won’t drift away from us and leave us like people do.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Laylah,

    Whatever questions you have, don’t hesitate to ask. We will try to help you as best we can. I can’t stress enough that living a polygamous lifestyle is a process. You will go through changes. You will find yourself having to fight through it to get through it. It’s good that you are here with those who actual live or lived it.

    What is the schedule like that you, he and she have? You said you didn’t like how he went about engaging in polygamy. Are you able to tell us how it came about?

  • Jasmina

    February 1, 2016

    But beautiful post… Good post. Yes it’s hard…. Lol particularly when you have no family support around. I remember I was at a clients home years ago and her husband comes inside after gardening and says hunny I’m going to get started on dinner… Would you like such and such or such. She says no hun I will do it, and he says no I got this that’s what I’m here for. In between he would help with what we were doing, got the 4 kids bathed and I was just like whaaat! I have never seen it, not in males from my background and not from my husbands culture either. I wanted that… Too bad I’m stuck with mr bachelor. Though I have asked him to do bits here and there like cleaning up after himself and he is good when I ask him nicely.

  • Jasmina

    February 1, 2016

    I am wondering is ther and if so what is the fine line where you stop to accept certain things our husband do and bang their bang their heads for it figuratively speaking. If my husband was like a typical husband during the days he is here and then goes away for the co that is fine, in fact I enjoy my free time and a break from cooking and cleaning for a day every few days. But the issue is he just isn’t around much and my son suffers because he doesn’t see his father. He has taken him to park once in a year and masjid monthly maybe usually bimonthly. That’s the only Interaction they have. Perhaps polygamy done correctly would be easy for me so my trial is having a rebellious polygamous husband who thinks he is a bachelor.

  • Laylah

    February 1, 2016

    I really got this post. My mind is just in an accepting space right now? I can acknowledge though that my children and I have grown together immensely. And I personally have been forced to grown spiritually. I know that I would have been content to remain stagnant. So Shukraan for this.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    I finally got the post to the right place. I got confused

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t mind you adding anything at all. Please do. It helps me tremendously.

    I just can’t understand what some expect of me. It baffles me when people come here talking about this blog is supportive of men. What the heck are they talking about??? Am I supposed to say, Ooooh he’s a no-good rotten, low-down dirty dog of a husband they’ve got. He’s a baaaad, bad man. Go get yourself a boyfriend. Gape your legs open to a man who isn’t your husband. Pay him back for what he’s doing. Should I tell all the women to divorce their husbands, so there would be no more polygamy? REALLY? What do they want from me? Talking that way does nothing to help the women. It simple makes them stagnant. They don’t move forward and there is no growth.

    There is no man here for me to chastise and correct. We are all women here, with the exception of a man or two who drops in. Ummof4 called it right. The majority of men will not take any advice from a woman. She said it is real and it is.

    No one here needs to tell a woman that the man is not doing right. They know how they are being treated. I haven’t come across many ignoramuses here on this blog. I don’t think the women here are dunces. Women know when their husbands aren’t acting right.The women can’t make the husband do what they want the to do. They can only talk to them about it and pray that Allah will lighten their burden. If the man isn’t seeking a change, it won’t happen for him. It’s how it works, which you indicated in your previous post.

    I really appreciate you understanding and helping me out here. We can only work on ourselves and try to make a change. We can’t change others. Allah gives husbands trial/test just the same as He gives them to the women. He says He tries us with one another. I believe polygamy is a trial for some. For those who don’t focus on Allah it can very well be a punishment. As you stated, we will all account to Allah for all that we do.

  • Tasliyman

    February 1, 2016

    Assalaamu Alaykum Ladies

    I just want to include that Ana has mentioned before that the purpose of this blog is not to focus on what a husband should or shouldn’t be doing. Even though the article does not mention that the husband has no right to just leave his children behind and not care whether they are coping or not, do not mean that Ana would condone such behaviour. A husband who neglects his children’s well-being in this manner will be accountable to the Almighty.

    The article focus on what the wife could do to make the situation easier to handle for herself.

    Ana, I hope you don’t mind me adding this but it seems that lately you’re being accused of things like this when you are merely just not focusing on it and by no means supporting it.

    I think that anyone who has read your responses to so many previous questions on this blog will realise this.