Accept a Polygamous Marriage or Divorce

Accept a polygamous marriage or divorceWhen it comes to polygamy in Islam, most wives have something in common from the start. It is in deciding if they should accept a polygamous marriage or divorce.

It becomes a big deal for a wife to make her intention about what she should do. It’s because she is quite confused. When she learns polygamy may become a part of her life or it is, it has turned her world upside down.

Some women have an easier time than others in knowing what to do. It’s easier if accepting polygamy is the only talking point for her. Most likely, she does not want to divorce her husband. Nonetheless, she has a hard time coming to terms with a lifestyle of polygamy. Especially, it is the case, if she had said that she would never live it.

Some do not like a lot about their husbands for the most part. It’s more than the wives not wanting to live a polygamous lifestyle.They had a lot of problems in their marriage to begin with.The wife simply overlooked them until her husband said he was going to marry another. Usually, it is the icing on the cake. When the husband introduced polygamy to the marriage, it was the last straw. Frankly, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Being honest with self is important when she tries to decide if she should accept a polygamous marriage or divorce

Honestly, why does she wants to leave the marriage? Does she no longer want a marriage with the type of person that he is? On the other hand, does she truly want polygamy as a part of her life? In other words, she wants to embrace it knowing that it is a part of Islam that she shouldn’t have a problem with.

When the wife is clear about her feelings and why she’s feeling as she does, it becomes easier for her to make her intention. She could intend to accept the polygamous marriage or divorce.

In conclusion, if a wife wants to accept polygamy, she needs to know if polygamy is the main problem or if it’s all the other issues combined? If polygamy stands out, then she could work on trying to embrace it. If she thinks all the problems combined are not worth her time and trouble, then maybe divorce is best.

Please comment on this page about the subject of the article only.

Related Article:

Polygamy in Islam and Divorce
Things to Know About Divorce in Islam and Polygamy

Books about Polygamy in Islam

Accept a Polygamous Marriage or Divorce


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25 Comments

  • ummof4

    May 14, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Yes, it is true that a woman can get a divorce from her husband. The divorce that the husband initiates is called a talaq. The divorce that the wife initiates is called a khula. Some Muslims do not like to call the khula a divorce, but call it a separation from the marriage. It’s a matter of semantics. The regulations and the iddah (waiting period for a woman to be able to marry again) are different for the talaq and the khula. I won’t go into details now, but they are readily available.

    For a man or for a woman, initiating a divorce is a serious issue and should not be taken lightly. Much thought and prayer for guidance should be done before making such a decision.

    Everyone have a wonderful day with your families and friends. Allahu Akbar.

  • anabellah

    May 14, 2017

    MQ sounds to be of the so called ISIS/ISL philosophy, thinking it okay to force people to live a certain way, which is totally contrary to Islam. If a woman doesn’t want to live in a polygamous marriage, no one has the right to FORCE her to live it. Men don’t OWN women.

  • Gail

    May 14, 2017

    MQ,

    In Pakistan women are seeking divorce all the time it’s called a Khula.

  • anabellah

    May 13, 2017

    MQ,

    If you don’t agree with the article, it’s your prerogative. However, I stand by what I’ve said.

  • MQ

    May 13, 2017

    Yours or mine personal understanding on divorce doesn’t really mean much.
    Sharia rules of divorce are crystal clear and well documented, divorce is a right of a man only, a woman can request a divorce but it’s upto the man to grant her or not. As for the courts, sharia courts does not grant woman a divorce unless it’s a valid sharia reason, e.g. Not fulfilling any of her rights, and a man marrying another woman is not a sharia reason for divorce.
    Unfortunately it’s inconsistent with Islamic law what u stated.
    Sharia laws are not based on single incidences but on many many factors, most important being how sahabas practiced it.

  • Flower

    May 13, 2017

    MQ

    Hello. You may have misunderstood the article. Ana and other muslim women who read and comment here know that a woman cannot issue her husband with verbal or written talaq. We know and understand there is a different route if a woman wants to get out if a marriage, as ana just mentioned.

    Most time on this blog we assume that others understand their religion (Islam) and therefore wouldn’t go into an extremely lenthy comment or article explaining the rules of the religion as we should already know them. It could only be misleading if someone didnt know anything about Islam and in that case would comment for further clarification. Sometimes we might use the word ‘choice’ however those with understanding would get that Allah is in contol of all things and whatever he wills will be, not whatever we ‘choose’ will be.

    On a plus point, your comment might help people in the future if they too misunderstood the article and need further clarification. Especially if a woman thought she could say “I divorce you” to her husband and it would be valid. It wouldn’t be.

  • anabellah

    May 13, 2017

    MQ,

    Women are allowed to seek a divorce from their husbands. If their husbands won’t give them one, they could petition the courts, Islamic or otherwise. One of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives was a divorcee. She went to the Prophet and sought a divorce from her husband. My understanding from other material other than the Quran was that she wanted the divorce because she was on a higher level of Islamic understanding and faith than he was and she wanted someone on her level. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted her the divorce. Following her divorce, she married the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

    There is a Surah (Chapter) in the Holy Quran that is entitled “Al Talaq” – divorce. Allah allows divorce and tell us how we are to do it.

    No woman or man is forced to live in a marriage that he or she is unhappy in and don’t want.

    I don’t know where you’re getting your information from.

  • MQ

    May 13, 2017

    I do not sure how do you write that a woman can divorce her husband. Its not amongst the rights of a woman to divorce.
    You must have sufficient understanding of the words you are using writing an article.
    This post is very misguiding, and undermines laws of Quran directly.

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2017

    Maybe you went into spam because they thought you were an advertisement for an anti-depressant https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2017

    Looks as though Heartbroken and Depressed are one and the same person. Heartbroken/Depressed, please select which one you want to be, and then come join us over on the May 2017 post/thread. Thank you :-)

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2017

    Depressed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to the 411. I’m sorry I’m just getting around to approving your post that you submitted four days ago. I just retrieved it from Spam. I’m not quite sure why it went there.

    Insha Allah, you’re still checking in. I’ll try to get back to talk with you as soon as possible. We’ll all try to help you as best we can.

  • Depressed

    May 1, 2017

    Hello and Salaam to all
    New to this blog.
    Been a silent reader awhile.
    Want to share a few things about me. So my husband springs the surprise second marriage on me 8 months back. They married 2 years before he told me.

    As you can imagine it was a shock! I was heartbroken. We didn’t have any major issues in the marriage.we were still in love so the fact he fell in love with someone else while still supposedly in love with me boggled my mind.

    So anyway. He was all loving and caring in the beginning. Trying to get me to feel comfortable with the marriage and as I still loved him and we have a Mashallah lovely family together I decided to try and accept.

    The issue lies in the fact that I just am not able to accept this second marriage

    I mean in my head I go Ok he is married I have accepted that fact ..life goes on..etc etc
    but in my heart everything still hurts SO DAMN MUCH.

    The fact that he was patient for a few months and then just did an about turn kills me now.

    He was so loving towards me and now he can hardly stand to be in same room as me. Doesn’t care about me.

    He complains that I am the cause of his attitude. That me not being able to accept his second marriage and me being all insecure etc is killing all his feelings for me.

    But actually it’s cause he is so insensitive of my feelings that I am unable to move on.

    Not only does he not care about me anymore he makes it very clear to me that he loves her more and has IF U you cant handle it you are free to leave attitude.

    Also, he doesn’t spend time equally with us. The nights are pretty much equal except on my nights he gets home super late like 2am.
    He comes home gets on whatsapp and FB and turns away and goes to sleep. Doesn’t bother to talk to me or even ask what is happening with me or the kids.
    I don’t even get to see him the entire day.

    She being close to his office and as she doesn’t work as well, he directly goes there to eat rest etc. And when he gets off at 8pm he spends time with her till about 1.30 am then he bothers to come home. But on her days I don’t get to see him even a bit..

    Is this fair? I can go on and on about his behaviour but I dont wanna bore you all.

    But long story short.. why am I still hanging on?
    I feel like such a dweeb to be hanging on to someone who makes it so clear that he is with me only out of responsibility.

    I feel so angry with his behaviour but also so so depressed..
    I don’t know how to move on..
    I want to just let go but am unable to..
    My friend did tell me.. If you can accept the marriage stay on or just leave.
    I am unable to do either. I still love him so can’t leave at the moment but I am also so so depressed with the situation and his attitude that I really wonder sometimes if it’s worth this torture.

    He tells me If He wanted to leave he could have but he didn’t so I should be happy with that. WTH.. is he doing me some kind of favour staying On?

    So again.. what do I do?

    I dont wanna divorce but am unable to accept this second marriage as he seems he is nit fair.He keeps her in confidence about every single aspect of his life but tells me clearly to steer clear of asking him anything whether it’s work or his parents or just his life in general.
    Apparently if he feels it’s something I should know he will Inform me but I am not to ask him any questions.

    He used to keep me so involved in his life but now I have no clue what is happening with him .
    He even tells me that he doesn’t need to know about my day As well and that he doesn’t care what I am up to daily.

    What is with him??
    He wasn’t always this and this drastic change started about 4 months back.

    In these situations I get so frustrated and cry when he is rude to me.. and then seeing his reaction to me when he rolls his eyes and asks me..Crying again?? hurts me more.
    I dunno if I am hurting myself more by staying on..
    He tells me I dont love him and I am only attached to him and that If it makes me happy to leave him I should.
    I think he is trying to get me to leave him so he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt of leaving me himself
    What do I do ladies??

    I apogize for the long post. I am so depressed and I am at my wits end.

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Gail,

    I have a difficult time trying to figure out who is married to whom in your family with your in-lawshttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif When I try to follow you on it, I begin to get a headache…

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Gail,

    I just caught up to your post thus far. I’m a bit behind reading. Nonetheless, I think my post to Serena somewhat answers your question about what I think. To elaborate more, I’d say if someone reads the Quran, and fears and loves Allah, they will make every effort possible to accept the entire Quran, which He commands us to do. It includes polygamy. There is no getting around it. One doesn’t have to live a polygamous lifestyle, if Allah hasn’t written it for her, but she better like the whole concept of it. We’re suppose to love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates. Allah hates wickedness, unbelief and rebellion. One can find many Muslims who rebel against Allah by rejecting polygamy.

    There is no being Muslim without obeying Allah and His commands (What He commands us is in the Quran). If I come across someone who tells me that she is Muslim, but don’t accept polygamy, it tells me much about her faith. She’s the type of person, I’d be cordial and polite to and that’s about it. I’d keep moving. Befriending her as in being up close and personal with her and having anything more than that to do with her would be out of the question. Now, if she came to me wanting to learn and know more, it’s a different story. With that said, I know that the people on this blog either accept polygamy, or want to and are trying to.

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us about Pakistani people and the lifestyle of polygamy. One thing you said stood out in particular. You said, “this new generation of Pakistani people are educated yet act uneducated.”

    If I understand correctly many of the women who are educated don’t do anything with that education. It would mean to me that they just sit about and talk to one another about one another and others. They do that along with what you said – watch “bollywood films and these Pakistani dramas”. It’s sure to have an effect on them, as our minds are like a sponge. It absorbs what we see and hear etc. It they read the Quran, maybe they’ll be able to one day absorb that…

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Mari2,

    You need to remember as well that when people caution you to remember that Pakistanis don’t accept polygamy and that you need to consider that in dealing with your co, it’s to say, you can’t force Islam on her, your husband or anyone else. If it’s her culture not to accept polygamy, and she doesn’t accept polygamy, it’s okay. There is no compulsion in Islam. You need to know where she’s coming from and accept it. You may want to live Islam and make every effort to, but you’re not dealing with people that think as you do or believe as you do. You must come to terms with that. Just because she says she’s Muslim Sigh It takes a lot more than that.

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2017

    Mari2,

    I know exactly what you mean. I was raised baptist, and I live an American culture. Yet, I don’t use the excuse that polygamy isn’t my culture or how I was raised, so I reject it.

    It baffles me that people who SAY they are Muslim reject a part of our religion. It’s why I say many people are “Muslim” in name only. There is no excuse for not accepting polygamy as a Muslim unless the person DOES NOT BELIEVE, MEANING IS NOT A BELIEVER. I don’t care how upset they get that they get called out for not being one. If the shoe fits, wear it.

    Allah gave us the Quran to Judge with. He says Judge with what I have given you, the Quran. He tells us about people and what certain people, classes of people do and don’t do. One reason He tells us is so we know who to deal with and who not to deal with. It’s so that we know where we fall short and need work, as well etc.

  • Serena

    April 28, 2017

    Gail

    If I remember correctly (apologies if I got it wrong) you said in an old post ages ago that your husband was a shia. That sect actually does not believe in polygamy so probably why it wasn’t practiced in your husbands family.

  • Gail

    April 28, 2017

    Ana,

    Dang girl I was speaking with my sister inlaw who has MS who is Pakistani but lives in Canada.She said she can accept anything but Polygamy.She would divorce over accepting it.I don’t understand how Islam plays a part into that mindset but I guess sense the Quran gives women a choice they for a solid opinion against Polygamy is my thinking… What do u think?
    Also she said that my inlaws are revengeful people and I actually took offence to that.I am not sure why as in the past I seen them the same way but I found myself really thinking WTF this girl and her entire family see the family as revenge freaks.So i tell her my entire Polygamy story to explain the entire situation and she is like OMG OMG OMG by the time I was through explaining to her I felt like crap.To me this is a huge mess because her and her entire family which ties into a bigger issue my baby sister inlaw is married to this girls cousin(my husbands to youngest brother and sister are married outside the family but married to two cousins in the same family) so we have this huge entire family thinking my inlaws r complete douche bags.I feel like I should be loyal to the family and tell them what that family is thinking but it might go sour for me because my husband will yap at me why I tell our story to her ughhh. I feel like I am never going to be free from this dark cloud over my head regarding all this nonsense.

  • Gail

    April 28, 2017

    Serena,

    I totally agree with your post about the new generation of Pakistani youth and Polygamy and not accepting it.I don’t know anything about older Pakistani generations because my own inlaws never practiced polygamy but I totally agree with u on every point u made.Awesome post!

  • Serena

    April 28, 2017

    I hope Allah gives us all guidance to accept what He has allowed and help us with the battles of shaytan.
    Hope all have a peaceful jumah.

  • Serena

    April 28, 2017

    Salam

    In Pakistan many years ago polygamy was accepted. Many older generation grandads and grandmas were part of polygamy. Back in them days the attitude towards polygamy was different. It wasn’t much about husband and his love but rather about woman being looked after,supported and not being left alone. I know of some families where the older generation married additional wives because there was some poor woman whose husband had died or just belonged to a very poor family and needed support. I have heard many real life stories how the wives just got on and their wasn’t that element of jealously that the husband loves one wife more. Infact when the man remarried it was more likely to be someone elder than his wife who was a widow or who had passed the age where woman got married but being poor were unable to get married. Even if the new wife was younger she wouldn’t be much younger than the existing wife.
    Even brothers and sisters got along though they had different mothers.
    I try and figure where it started going all wrong. I think it has to do with greed and wanting more and alot to do with the media influence especially bollywood films and these Pakistani dramas. They try to act like westerners but have exaggerated so much.
    Many women were not even educated many years ago and this new generation of Pakistani people are educated yet act uneducated. It must be due to the lack of religious education and understanding.
    These films and dramas have distorted polygamy making it about how the husband doesn’t like his wife so gets a new one. The new one of course is going to think she is something special and better. Then to add to all that are whispers from shaytan.
    Even nowadays some people in Pakistan still practice polygamy and accept it. A lot has to do with the man who practices polygamy and how he “justifies” his reason to marry again and then how he lives polygamy.
    Mari2 co just seems like the typical new generation that want the man but more his wealth all to themselves.

  • Mari2

    April 26, 2017

    I accepted polygamy because I accepted that it is what Allah makes lawful. I have a co wife who was born and raised in a Muslim country and she struggles to deal with polygamy because “it’s not her culture.” Okay. But my culture and my family’s culture is the US where polygamy is not readily accepted either. I come from a Catholic background. At what point was I told that polygamy was acceptable? Umm..never. So at times when I am cautioned to remember that polygamy isn’t acceptable in Pakistan so 2 might be having difficulties, I ask those who bring it up (like M), where in my upbringing in this country and culture was polygamy normal for me either? I wasn’t even raised in a Muslim country.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    sher, Welcome :-)

    Thank you much for sharing your experience about polygamy with us. The post is so relatable and a confirmation of the good that can come from being in a polygamous marriage when one accepts Allah’s decisions. Insha Allah, it will just keep getting better and better for you. It’s all good https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif Thanks again!

  • sher

    April 23, 2017

    when my husband first made his intention known to me about polygamy,my world came crumbling down.I couldn’t be believe he was really thinking about it because our marriage of 15yrs has been the envy of those around us. But I accepted because he has always been a good dad to his kids and a loving husband to me.Above all, its allowed in islam. I made my dua’ to Allah to ease the process if it’s worth it. It was a relief for me looking at it from the
    Islamic point of view coupled with the loving husband have been blessed with who always reassured me he would try his best with the help of Allah to continue to be the best of himself.