Adjusting to Marriage and Polygamy is Difficult

adjusting to marriage and polygamy is difficult

Adjusting to marriage and polygamy is difficult for spouses. Yet, some see marriage and polygamy as the same. So, how are they different?

In the first place, the wife who married first may say that her husband pays more attention to the one whom he married second than he does to her. Perhaps he does.

Maybe it’s because of the newness of the marriage. Here at polygamy 411, we call it the “honeymoon” stage. Really, it’s no different from the honeymoon period that wives in monogamous marriages have, as well. Of course, those newly wedded need to get to know each other. There lies the likeness.

When the husband settles into the marriage, he may wake up and remember his other wife and children. He sees how he had neglected them and feels sorry about it. Then he tries to attend to both of his wives in a way that is more fair.

Adjusting to marriage and polygamy is difficult for husbands and wives, due to different lifestyle changes

A husband has his work cut out for him when he has to deal with wives on different levels. It’s about polygamy with one wife and about marriage and polygamy with the other. The first wife is already familiar with her husband and the marriage. Her adjustment is to polygamy. The other wife needs to adjust to both.

A wife who married him first doesn’t think about all the time that she had him to herself. The first wife needs to remember that the newcomer needs to get to know what marriage is about the same as she had to.

On the other hand, both a wife who married first and a wife who married second must get used to a polygamous marriage. It’s what they have in common.

A husband must work hard to help get his wives comfortable and used to the marriage. Adjusting to marriage and polygamy is difficult for all who are involved in it.

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38 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Furthermore, there is no prerequisite that the first wife accepts polygamy before he marries again.

    Freida,

    You said that you and he thought his other wife was righteous and could handle polygamy. You said that she was righteous till you came along. Maybe until you came along there was nothing to put her righteousness to test. Polygamy could have been her test of righteousness for her to see that her belief in Allah, her faith in Islam was weaker than she thought. It could have been to let her see that she had much more work to do. Perhaps she became complaisant and maybe even haughty in believing that she was righteous. I don’t know her. Allah knows best. Allah may have tested her with polygamy to open her eyes and cause her to see where she stands in her belief and worship of Him.

    Her husband wasn’t responsible and can’t be blamed for what his other wife went through. What she went through had to do with her. It was for her. What she went through was for her for Allah’s reason(s). Allah tells us that no bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another.

    Now, if her husband mistreated her or did something wrong to her (See, I’m not talking about what’s in her heart), he will surely account for it. Who knows, maybe he is now suffering the consequences of something he’s done wrong in his life, as he has two wives now who, based on what you’ve said, apparently don’t want to be bothered with him when he needs someone the most. Maybe he’ll end up all alone. We reap what we sow.

    We all should be mindful of what we do. You’re walking out on your husband because you have no more use for him and you don’t want the burden of caring for him. Maybe when you get up there in age and in need your kids will turn on you; you’ll have no husband, and you’ll have no one to care for you. Only Allah knows what He has planned for any of us. I’m a firm believer in that what goes around, comes around.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Freida,

    You asked, is it not selfish that your husband did not care what his other wife thought or felt when he married you. Well, if it makes him selfish, what does it make you?

    I don’t know how your husband treated his other wife while she was going through her thing. I don’t know if he was kind, compassionate and patient with her or not.

    Because she was going through tough times, was no reason for him not to marry again. Most women who had married their husbands first, who later find themselves in polygamous marriages, go through tough times emotionally, psychologically and physically. However, if every man waited for his wife to get to a good place in accepting polygamy before he married again, there would probably be no polygamy. It’s because a lot of women never accept polygamy.

  • Rosa

    February 13, 2017

    I meant vetting lol

  • Rosa

    February 13, 2017

    Opportunist is the perfect description of Freida’s selfish behaviour. It was convenient for her at the time to marry someone twenty years her senior to care for her and her children at the time to get herself back on her feet. Now that she is she wants to throw him out with the garbage. He was there for her when she needed now that the tables are turned, it’s such a shame. It’s wrong and she knows it that’s why she’s trying to clear her conscious by getting women to be his wife

  • Freida

    February 13, 2017

    ana,

    no, i do not wish to get married again ( my first husband was the same age but so much into his career, he forgot us or maybe he finds me boring so he left me with my two very young kids. We are still friends and in the weekends he would come and fetch his two sons).My former in laws would visit us occasionally and take the kids out.

    i would not regard myself as selfish for that is what my second husband taught me. He married me without the knowledge of his 1st wife. They hav been married for 28 years. When she got to know, she fainted and had depression for several years. When i got pregnant, she wanted to kill herself but my husband said that she is not righteous. She then moved to be with her kids who takes good care of her. Last i heard that she went on vacation to Barcelona with her friends.

    She was a righteous muslim woman before my marriage. That was the reason i agreed to marry her husband. i thought she could share but no woman would want to share her husband.
    My husband did not care what she thinks or how emotional she gets. He wants to marry me.
    no matter what. is that not selfish?

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Rosa,

    The way I see it is that some people are simply opportunists. Freida said that this second marriage was one of convenience.

    Who knows, maybe she met a young guy at work whom she’s interested in. If it’s so, let us see if he’ll want her four kids by two different husbands or he only wants her.

    I agree with you that a person like that doesn’t get far if she doesn’t change her ways. People get their just reward when they do dirt and it ain’t a good one either. I wonder why she left her 1st husband. I suppose he wasn’t meeting one of her worldly needs.

  • Rosa

    February 12, 2017

    Freida
    You’re not going to get far in life living by what is most convenient to you. It’s selfish plain n simple. InshaAllah Allah will send your husband a wife deserving of him and him deserving of her and will not waiver when the going gets tough.

  • Freida

    February 12, 2017

    Dear ana, rose and serena. Tq for yur time in answering to my problems. Really appreciate it and it has given me new insights into my situation.
    I wish to be kind to my husband for he is a good hardworking man but on the practical side, i could not go on being married to him. I had loved him and like him for he has taken care of me and our kids well. I do not belong to him and he does not belong to me therefore we must go our separate ways in finding Allah. Divorce is the best solution. I married him out of convenience and i ask for divorce out of convenience too.
    Thank you again . I will no longer be in a polygamous marriage and i thank Allah for putting me in the situation fo the last 8 years but now i hav to take care of myself and my children.
    I am helping him to find some other to be his next wife. Hopefully this one will take care of him. It seems that most ladies of my age does not seem too interested being in a polygamous marriage and taking care of a sick husband. Being said that, neither does the older ones.
    May Allah give him the best and takes care of him.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Serena, Salaamu Alaikum,

    You said to Freida, “Who knows what first wife has been through and maybe now Allah has given her relief.” Serena, I think the same as you about it.

    It saddens me to hear that Freida sees her husband as a burden now that he is no longer of no use to her. She’s got her job and is out there working, probably feeling good about herself out there with people her own age, and now she wants to unload her husband. She must not love him anymore. No one with love in her heart for her husband could do such a thing to him.

  • Serena

    February 11, 2017

    Salam

    Freida

    What cold hearted person would not want to take care of their husband or wife when they are ill?

    Don’t be so hooked on what the first wife is supposed to be doing. Look at it this way, do it to gain reward from Allah. The first wife is going to miss out on that. Do maybe this is a test for you so don’t fail.

    Allah forbid if anything was to happen to your husband how would you feel knowing you had a chance to look after him but you didn’t.

    Don’t know what country you live in but aome countries give assistance so of you have to cut working hours to look after husband you won’t loose much financially.

    Ana

    I like your replies to Frieda. Would she complain if she had him more to herself despite his age if he was fit and healthy? It’s sad she feels he is a burden. Who knows what first wife has been through and maybe now Allah has given her relief.

  • Rosa

    February 11, 2017

    Frieda
    I forgot to mention my husbands first wife sounds to be just like your co wife. She spends all her time with her adult children going out living the good life. I guess she feels she paid her dues idk. So it’s up to my husbands second wife and me.

  • Rosa

    February 11, 2017

    Freida

    my husband is also older than me and he has a few health issues. A marriage is through thick and thin, good and bad you can’t just pack your bags when the going gets tough instead find ways to make it work. You wouldn’t like if the roles were reversed and your husband left you with all your kids for dead. Like mentioned already you knew your husband was older and no one stays healthy and young forever. I know it’s hard but you have to stick it out. Make the best with the cards you’ve been dealt. Sometimes we think the grass is greener on the other side but often times it’s not or if it is, it’s fake. You have to ask yourself if you’re really willing to put your older kids through another transition all because things are tough right now. If your husband was abusing you in any way shape or form I would advise you to hit the road jack but you said he was really nice. But to leave him for dead due to something he has absolutely no control over that’s just inhumane.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    Life is not a bed of roses or peaches and cream. We have trials and tribulations. We have tests, rewards and punishment. It’s tough for you now. Does that mean you hit the road (get to steppin and leave)? or do you do what you’ve got to do. Men have to man-up. Maybe you’ve got to woman-up.

    I’d say talk with his other wife about helping you out. As I said, I don’t know what type of relationship you have with her, if any. I’d imagine if you two were on good terms you’d be sharing time with him more equally. If he has been staying with you the majority of the time, you could expect her not to have much sympathy for you now. She may say you wanted him, now you’ve got him. Handle your business…

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    It happens that young women marry older men without thinking that the age difference will become significant as their husbands and they themselves grow older. I mention it on the blog every now and again – I say the young women wakes up one day to find that they are married to “grandpa”.

    The young women married what some know him as, a “sugar daddy”. He takes care of ALL her needs, help her with the kids etc It’s all beautiful in the beginning stages. Then she finds that he’s now too old and she may want to be with and do things with someone her own age or closer to it. Did the young woman think that her husband had found the fountain of youth and would remain as he was when they met?

    When a spouse’s health is no longer good, it’s not the time to kick him to the curb (throw him out so to speak). In a good marriage, spouses stick with each other through thick and thin. You new how old your husband was when you married him. The age difference was okay then, but it’s not okay now because it’s work for you. You’d rather have your free time to do more things that bring you joy even if it’s time to relax more.

    Many young women who have children work too. Some have to take care of their parents, as well. In your case, you’re taking care of your husband. Maybe since you’re working and I’m sure he probably has income,too, you could hire someone to come in and help out.

    I know it is said that when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) got up there in age and was very sick, all his wives consulted with one another and agreed that he would remain with Aishah (his youngest wife) instead of him going from one house the other. Perhaps, your home is the one that your husband would like to stay in due to his health problems. His other apparently doesn’t have a problem with that. Think of the barakats (blessings) that you may stand to gain if you took good care of your husband seeking the good pleasure of Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    Thank you for sharing more about your situation, so that we can understand it better. I have a better understanding now. Again, how much “responsibility” a wife has towards her husband in a polygamous marriage boils down to what the parties to the marriage agree on. There are some wives who live in different countries from their husbands. Consequently, they may only see each other a month or two out of the year or every couple or few years or barely at all.

    I wonder whether your husband always spent most of his time with you and you never complained about it, nor sent him home to his other wife. Is it that his other wife got used to him being with you most of the time, and now she’s got her own life absent of him? Even if he just began to stay mainly with you recently, a husband would probably think the wife would relish him being there with her – that’s if she loves him.

    Have you sat down and spoke with her about how you feel? Have you asked her to share in the responsibility of taking care of him? She may very well think that she spent the majority of her life taking care of him and now it’s your turn. After all, in your previous post you said that she is “old” and “tired”. You’re young, right? Maybe you should shoulder some of the burden now since you’re stronger and more able. She raised her kids, maybe worked and cared for him and the household. She may be saying that she paid her dues.

  • Freida

    February 10, 2017

    dear ana,

    I could no longer care for him as he has many illness maybe due to his age.. I hav asked the 1st wife to take care of him but she does not want to as she is busy travelling around the world with her adult kids. Since most of the time he is with me, she has also moved nearer to them. At 60, she is enjoying her life with her friends and her kids.
    I am working full time while my kids are in day care and in school. I could not afford the time and energy to care for him as i hav 4 kids of my own. I thought polygamy is about responsibilities and the 1st wife must also take care of him. i dont mind having him part time. But now that he is getting old, he has become a burden.
    i am really tired and bored of taking care of him.

  • Freida

    February 10, 2017

    Dear ana,

    i married him as soon as i ended my edah with my ex husband because i could not be alone and he was also persistent. He told me and my parents that he love his 1st wife but he also love me.
    He is a good muslim man and wants to take care the both of us.
    i thought if he is only part time with me, i could hav some time for myself too so i felt polygamy is right for me. But he spends most of his time with me. I am working. My younger children are sent to day care while the other 2 goes to school. He is getting older and coping with sickness. it has become a burden to me as he is always with me.
    The 1st wife is enjoying the freedom and travelling all over the world with her adult kids.Does she not hav a responsibility to take care of her husband too?

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Freida,

    I was wondering why you want a divorce, being that you have two young children by your current husband and two children by your previous husband. You said that you’re younger than your husband and this is your second marriage. Have you determined why you’re so unhappy? Has he been abusing you? I was just wondering.

    Could it be that your husband’s other wife has no interest in her husband, and therefore it is not challenging for you to be with him? Maybe you can shed some light on it for us.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Freida,

    Thank you for the clarification. How is this in polygamy, you asked. It really boils down to what the parties to the marriage agree to that is lawful (halal).

    If she doesn’t want him full-time and he wants to be with you, his wife, part-time He’s with you both part-time- what’s wrong with it?

    If you want a divorce, and he won’t give it to you, then I suppose you would have to go to an Islamic court or to the Masjid for some help in getting a divorce. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you want a divorce?

  • Freida

    February 9, 2017

    Tq ana and rose
    I hav been married for 8 years to my current husband who also hav a wife the same age as him. I am 20 years younger than him and i hav 2 young children with him and 2 children from my ex husband. I asked him to divorce me as I would like to be free . But his 1st wife would not take him full time. She is old and tired and she seems to enjoy her life with her adult children and grandkids.
    She told him to take care of himself.
    I was curious about the duties of the 1st wife to her husband and to the 2nd wife. I thought i could share part time but she wants me to take him full time. How is this in polygamy?

  • Rosa

    February 8, 2017

    Freida welcome

    Your post confuses me as well please elaborate

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Dear Freida, Welcome!

    I’m not quite sure what you mean when you say why does the 1st wife have to be responsible. Responsible for what?

    I think most people misunderstand a lot about polygamy. With polygamy, the husband has more than one wife. Nothing is preventing a wife from continuing her life with her husband. Of course, there will be changes because she’s not the only wife any longer. He’ll need to spend time with, and take care of his other wife/wives and children the same as he did with the first.

    All the drama and problems ensue when the wife doesn’t want to accept that her husband has another wife. If he marries more women it’s because Allah decreed it to be. He selected his wives and made it happen.

  • Freida

    February 8, 2017

    Dear ana,
    If the husband is the one doing polygamy, how is it that the 1st wife hav to be responsible? She stays and goes through life as she always does. The verses in the quran never said anything about her responsibility towards the new situation that she was put into. Its all on his shoulders.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’m so happy for you. It’s nice to hear that you are coming along and adjusting so nicely. I’d imagine you would miss your dear hubz. It just makes seeing him more special when you do. I’m glad to hear that he’s doing well with his business, as well. It’s been said that when people are in polygamous marriages they tend to prosper. I believe it. Hang in there and don’t despair. Perhaps he didn’t share the schedule with her to avoid all the drama. Sometimes it’s best to face the music (hearing the rants, dealing with the temper tantrums etc) later instead of before, during and after.

  • Mari2

    February 7, 2017

    @Ana,
    This blog post was spot on for me. 2 arrived almost 2 weeks ago. She arrived on Friday so I told M to spend her first weekend here with her, not me. This past weekend he and I spent together working at his new business he very recently was graced by Allah to afford. I enjoyed my time with him immensely though spending 10 hours a day working the weekend was exhausting.
    I will say that being away from daily contact with M has been more difficult than I had foolishly imagined it to be. I definitely pray more to Allah for strength as I made the commitment to keep my conversations with M at a minimum (morning Salam, an evening Salam) and only by text, during his time with her. But I made that commitment out of respect for her. And I asked for her to reciprocate in kind.
    And I will say,it is very hard for me to be with him less though I thought I had it all tied up in that department…lol.

    I cannot say if he shared his agreements with me with her. I do know that last Saturday evening after we worked together all day, his phone was blowing up around 10pm with messages from 2. He ignored. Then his phone was blowing up with messages from his sis and mom whom 2 resides with asking him where he was and when he was coming home. He responded to his sis that he was at work with me and he would return home on Monday evening after work, which he did. I was curious as to whether or not he bothered to share the schedule with 2, or if 2 even realizes that I am still here in some capacity. But I just let my questions go.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You don’t know how happy I was to read the last sentence of your post. You said you’re having problems with your NEW phone. I don’t think I could have dealt with hearing that something is still wrong with the blog

    polygamy 411

    I still need to get to figuring out how to make the smilies work again.

  • Mari2

    February 7, 2017

    Salaam to all. I posted last week, but due to issues my post never made it. My phone doesn’t seem to have updated anything on this site since February 2,I got to this article via my PC which today strangely prohibits me from typing any messages. I used my PC to find the latest blog post and had to Google the blog post title in my phone to get here via a Google search. It’s so weird. New phone is really making me angry.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    Sister Kadija, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much for sharing and for the kind word. I pray the best for you and your family, as well. :-)

  • Kadija

    February 7, 2017

    I just want to clarify that I made the post cos it’s a side of polygamy that few people talk about, yet I’ve met many women who have tried polygamous marriages then ended up devorced, Allah knows best, for a variety of reasons. Only allah can judge not me, but most of these sisters I’ve spoken to have sited conflicts between wanting to be deen and wanting to be dunya (aka wanting to put Allah first or prioritising people or things in this world) but allah knows best. Sometimes it’s a case of the husband and or cowife causing such unfairness or unkind Ness that the wife feel she must leave for the sake of her deen and sanity or safety and children. In other cases it’s the wife admitting to her being such inclined and just realising it at the time. Each person and their experiences are unique to them and I can’t relate more them to say what I’ve been told, as opinion not fact :) allah is the only one worthy of judging anyone :)

    As for my husband. He is a good man and he always tells us to put Allah first, it’s was his only condition of marriage and the only things he asks of me (I can only talk of my experienced with me, I know not about his relationship with my cowife). He’s kind and gentle and if he makes a mistake he will apologise for it and repent. He also loves very deeply, not lustful ly but love for Allah’s sake, so to lose a woman he loves is very hard on him emotionally. He prays and is so much calmer then most men I know would be, and he doesn’t complain, but I can see that he’s in pain. We’re very open verbally and have discussed things, I asked him what he needs of me and he told me. We prayed together and I reaffirmed my affection for him, and got him a cuppa tea (he like tea lol) and ml ostly we pray togrther. We also talk about hadiths we’ve read and things we’ve learnt which he finds cheering mashallah :)
    I can’t do anything to fix their relationship. I can make my husband happy. All I can do is pray and be as supportive as posible to my husband and to my cowife if she wants me. Allah is the one with power not I.
    But thank you all or your advices, it’s must appreciated. I just thought it might be a good topic for a post of your someday Ana?
    I’ve been reading alot of your posts lately and showing them to my husband. It’s so lovely to see a sister advices people to put Allah first alhamdullilah :) inshaallah I pray allah grants you and the other sisters here much joy and reward in this life and the next inshaallah ameen :)

  • Kadija

    February 7, 2017

    Assalam alaikum and jazaakallah kheir to all.

    Oh I love my cowife (ex cowife sorry) as a sister and understand she had to make her choices for her reasons. I hold no disregard for her and nor does my husband.
    What I meant by putting others rights before the self is in regard to my personal views of my own actions, for allah sake (I can’t do anything without allah, so really it’s not my actions but Allah’s will inshaallah). Such as giving people the time and ace they need to heal and trying to ease the hardships faced by my husband as best I can by allah mercy inshaallah. And supporting him and my cowife (sorry ex cowife)
    Allah truly is the best of planners :)

  • tunis

    February 7, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana

    Inshallah ‘all is well’….I cant seem to find the new updated Feb. Postings….I know there was a glitch…and even my last comments on ‘loving a husband less’ thread were posted then disappeared..??

    But for the life of me..cant seem to find the new started Feb. Posts on my phone ?? hmmm ? Missing out..help?

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    kadija,

    I put the links here to a couple of the posts/themes that Rosa referred to, plus one more, to make it easier for you. I had changed the title of one.
    My Co-Wife Disturbs My Peace Intentionally
    How to Live Polygamy in Peace
    Peaceful Polygamous Marriages

    Kadija, I understand that you are concerned about your husband’s feelings and how he is feeling effects you. I agree with Rosa that you just have to let him and his ex reconcile their differences. He just has to go through it and figure it out. Men don’t like women trying to fix them. If you try to make things better it will probably only make things worse. Give him room to breath and sort through it at his own pace and time.

  • Rosa

    February 7, 2017

    Kadija as salaamu alaikum. Is this a new kadija or the same as the one from a few months back? If you’re a newbie welcome. About coping with difficulties when a wife causes hardships in a polygamous marriage read the thread “my co wife disturbs my peace” and “how to find peace in a polygamous marriage ” and the many other threads that speak on that topic. It will shed light on what you’re facing.
    About coping when a wife leaves a marriage I’m not sure. I’ve never been in that type of ordeal. I’d imagine it’s a bit sad I mean who wants to see a marriage fail. It’s not much you can do but accept Qadr of Allah, be content with His decision and leave it to your husband and ex to reconcile or let go. Continue to Focus on your marriage and as always putting Allah first.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Do anyone have any thoughts about what’s been said here. I’d like to hear it – not from staunch polygamy haters though.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija,

    I reread your post. About difficulties in a marriage when wives cause hardship, we talk about that all the time here.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija,

    No need to apologize for your “rant”. We’re used to one another ranting here. I liked your post. It was thought provoking.

    About one putting other people’s “rights” before her own, I don’t quite understand what many mean by “rights”. The word “rights” gets thrown about loosely on this blog. I’m familiar with the rights as referred to in the Quran, such as the right of a wife to be fed, clothed and sheltered in a place that he would take shelter, to be treated kindly and with justice. Those aren’t Allah’s words verbatim. I know that we’re supposed to be kind and just to all mankind.

    If you’re saying that your husband’s other wife should have considered how you and your husband felt before she left the marriage and shouldn’t have left, well, I can’t get with that. She needed to only find and consider what Allah says in the Quran that she could apply to her life and act accordingly.

    If she was unhappy and Allah allowed her to leave, good for her. There was no need for her to put you and your husband before what she thought was best for her. I understand what you said about putting others needs or wants before our own, but I don’t think it applies to your situation.

    Again, we should be just and kind to all mankind. It doesn’t exclude a spouse. If your husband is all that you depicted him to be and his other wife was troublesome, then perhaps it was a blessing that she walked (left the marriage). Your husband may not see it that way now, because his heart is still broken, however, in time, he may very well see it as a good thing.

    We have to learn to accept all of Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm because Allah knows what is best for us. We should try to get to the point in which we say, Alhumdulliah under all conditions and circumstances. It means even when things seem to go against us.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija, Welcome. It’s nice to have you here.

    I haven’t covered “the difficulties faced in polygamous marriages when one of the wives leaves or causes hardships?” because I’m not knowledgeable about it. I don’t know of any difficulties and not many have mentioned any here. I’m glad you can enlighten us on what some may be experiencing.

    I can say that I’d imagine a husband who didn’t want a divorce, however, the wife leaves would go through a thing. I’ve heard that men take those types of divorces harder than most women. It coincides with what you said about polygamy may be more difficult on a man than on a woman in some ways. I think we may be able to make a post/thread on the changes that seem to take place with men once they become polygamous. I have to give that one some more thought; although all are welcome to discuss it here on this thread.

    I think some women in polygamous marriages thinks that if one of the wives leaves the marriage, the husband wouldn’t much care because he still has another or more wives. It’s not the case. No wife can replace the other wife whom the husband has love in his heart for. It’s the same as with children. If a child dies or is taken away from the mother, the mother doesn’t say, for instance, oh, well, such is life, I’ve got three more kids. She loves all her kids (I hope). The husband loves all his wives (I hope).

  • Kadija

    February 6, 2017

    Have you covered the difficulties faced in polygamous marriages when one of the wives leaves or causes hardships?
    My husband hasn’t been quite the same after his other wife left and the emotions are hard to deal with sometimes but such is life. Alhamdullilah. He is still dutiful and kind and God fearing and I’m in no doubt of his affection or love for me, but he is also more thoughtful and reserved. He was hurt badly by his ex and is confused by it all. As was I and, I assume, she wasn’t too bonnie either (I can’t make assumptions on what I know not and I’ll not diss my sister). The feelings of betrayal are bitter and strong sometimes.
    However that all said, Allah is the best of planners and we put our trust in allah and always work towards pleasing HIM. As such we can face whatever trials come our way.

    It is hard to a man to mourn the loss of a loved one, especially a wife, whilst still having to tend to the physical (aka food and such) and emotional needs of a wife who is also hurting, though maybe not as much as him.
    I often think polygamy is much harder for the men then for the women for this reason. We women are able to distance ourselves somewhat from the hardships of marriage, by stepping back from our cowife and taking the time when our husband is away (woth his other wife) to focus on ourselves. Whereas he is on duty 24/7 no matter what wife he is with that night. I sometimes thing women need to learn to be more supportive of their husbands needs as well as their own. I heard a saying once, I think it may be a hadith but I can’t reference it sorry: “focus on fullfiling other peoples rights rather then having them fulfill yours.” I like this saying, reminds me that life isn’t always easy. Can marry a rich man who turns poor overnight, or vice versa, as per Allah’s will.
    I admire such brothers and pray they attain jannat inshaallah.
    And I admire the sisters who bare the hardships in their lives with the sabr mashaallah. Inshaallah I pray allah grants them just rewards.
    Love and duas to all :) sorry for the mini rant :)