Adjusting to Marriage and Polygamy

adjusting to marriage and polygamy

Adjusting to marriage and polygamy is difficult for spouses. Yet, some see marriage and polygamy as the same. So, how are they different?

First, let me mention that the wife who married the man first may say that he pays attention to the one whom he married second more than he does to her. Perhaps he does.

Maybe it’s because his marriage to the other wife is new. Here at polygamy 411, we call it the β€œhoneymoon” stage or phase. Really, it is no different from the honeymoon period that wives in monogamous marriages have. Of course, the newly wedded need to get to know each other. There lies the likeness.

When the husband settles into the marriage, he may wake up and remember his other wife and children. He sees how he had neglected them and feels sorry about it. Then he tries to attend to both of his wives in a way that is more fair. He may apologize to the wife who felt neglected.

Adjusting to marriage and polygamy causes difficulties for husbands and wives

They’ve got lifestyle changes to deal with. A husband has his work cut out for him when he has to deal with wives on different levels. One wife has to deal with polygamy as in sharing. The other has to deal with marriage as in getting to know him and what marriage is all about along with the type of marriage that it is. The first wife is familiar already with her husband and the marriage. She must adjust to polygamy only. The other wife needs to adjust to both being married and to the marriage being polygamous on top of that.

A wife who married him first does not think about all the time that she had him to herself. The first wife needs to remember that the newcomer needs to get to know what marriage is about the same as she had to. When one adds polygamy to the mix, it is doubly hard.

On the other hand, both a wife who married first and a wife who married second must get used to a polygamous marriage. They have that in common.

A husband must work hard to help get his wives comfortable and used to the marriage. Adjusting to marriage and polygamy is not easy for all those involved in it.

Please comment on this page about the subject of the article only or join our discussions forum.

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63 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2017

    Peaches,

    I don’t agree with your in-laws who said, “without parents blessings a marriage will not succeed.” Where did they get that from? LOL You told them right when you said it’s up to Allah.

    Peaches, you’re doing really good by trying to be patient and see what happens next. What’s going to happen is going to happen and there is no way of stopping it. We need to do what needs to be done that we can do and it’s all that can be done by us.

    I’m not feeling what you’ve said about Katie holding the cards. Allah holds the cards and your husband, the same as each and everyone of us, so to speak, are Allah’s puppets. Everyone and everything is devoutly obedient to Allah. He say we will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will come (submit to His Will in Islam).

    Katie has no power. She has no control over your husband. Only Allah does. Allah has made some people for the Hellfire and some people for Paradise/Jannah. Each person will do that which will land them there.

    Stop seeing Katie as all that, because she’s not. Perhaps their relationship is a purely lustful one. If so, there’s nothing to envy her about with regard to it. Allah says if we follow the lusts of our hearts they will lead us astray from the straight path.

    Be glad you’re not Katie. Don’t see her as better than you. The best person in the sight of Allah is the one who is most righteous. Try your best to be righteous. We are allow to compete for righteousness. It’s the only thing that Allah tells us to compete for.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2017

    Peaches, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I understand how upsetting it was for you that your husband couldn’t come to you and tell you about Katie, and you had to find out about them on your own. It’s best you just see it as the way Allah decreed it to be. Look at all the good that has come from it; you said it have brought you nearer to Allah. It’s wonderful that you are growing nearer to Allah as a result of it. Just think how it may be paving your way to enter Jannah/Paradise. One day you may be sincerely thankful for having gone through this, as it could be a blessing for you.

    It’s probably best that you do as you stated about separating your assets and company from your husband. You’ll need legal counsel to do it. Otherwise, he’ll reap the benefits of the business and by default she reaps the benefits, as well. It’s one thing if the wives and their husband are all on the same page, working together with Jannah/Paradise as their goal. What is she bringing to the table?

    In the meantime, just try to focus on your marriage and don’t dwell on Katie while your husband is with you and unable to travel. Take advantage of the time you have with him with it being just you, him and the children. Try to bond with him better and have a harmonious relationship. Insha Allah your relationship with him will get better while he is with you. You need to work on making it a peaceful and comfortable enviornment and not one that is hostile and bitter.

  • Peaches

    November 23, 2017

    Btw ladies,

    Regarding this situation it actually made me even closer to Allah. I was too occupied chasing my career and other worldly things that sometimes I forgot to read Quran

  • Peaches

    November 23, 2017

    Waailaikumsalam,

    Sorry forgot to mention my salam

  • Peaches

    November 23, 2017

    Hi Serena and Annabellah

    Yes Katie is a muslim and I’m legally married under Sharia law in my country. Regarding what I meant that I didn’t notice earlier about my husband is because I was pregnant and was too occupied with work that I overlooked his changes. I actually thought I was just hormonal and overthinking everything. After I had my baby then I actually did some investigations and found out stuff about my husband that I never knew. I sent someone to Katie’s home country to investigate what is her intention.

    Turns out after she was deported back, my husband did visit her regularly in pretence of business trips. I know, he’s bad. I never expect this of him especially when he comes from a very good family.

    Yes I am insecure especially when it comes to family and trying to change my assets and company to mine nstead of sharing with my husband. I’m not letting Katie get anything from what I have built and sweat to achieve. Katie has told my husband that she wants to be his second wife and whatever i own with my husband it’s her legal right too.

    Sometimes I just feel like throwing money to her face and tell her to go away.

    Anyways reason for the 2 of them are not married yet is coz somehow my husband travel documents has some issue so he cannot leave our country for sometime and go to her country for marriage.

    I did had a long discussion with my in laws and they told me without parents blessings a marriage will not succeed but I did mention to them that it’s up to Allah if it happens or not.

    Anyways ladies I’m just too soft hearted and just trying to be patient to see what happens next.

    About Katie holding the cards, my husband has told me he will never ever leave her so yeah that’s why I said she holds the cards and my husband is the puppet

  • anabellah

    November 23, 2017

    Peaches, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I agree with Serena that you do not have to be supportive of your husband while he is committing Haram. There is nothing anywhere that says that a Muslim woman must support her husband 100% 100% of the time. In fact, Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that we are to stand up for what is right even if it’s against our own selves. I can understand you not wanting to divorce your husband because you love him. It doesn’t mean that you have to stand by his side regardless of what he does.

    I’m not really sure what’s going on. Is she a Muslim? Are you his Legal Wife? If you are his Legal wife then she has no claims over him whatsoever. As Serena stated you should contact an attorney to secure your rights to your son. There is no reason that you should cover for your husband especially when you fear that he may take your child or spend the profits from your business on that other woman.

    I think you’re basically feeling insecure and is giving that other woman more credit than what she’s worth. Furthermore, I agree with Serena that you may be trying to make your husband’s haram act appear legit.

    What reasons are the two of them giving for not having married yet?

    You said it’s your fault for not having seen things sooner. What makes you think you should have seen anything sooner than what you did?

  • anabellah

    November 22, 2017

    I think my computer may be up and working soon. I did some troubleshooting and it appears it may not be the hard drive that’s the problem after all. Alhumdulliah! ?

  • Serena

    November 22, 2017

    Peaches

    You should consult a lawyer and just get advice regarding your assets and custody of your son.

  • Serena

    November 22, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Peaches

    Your husband has put himself in a situation and unfortunately you are in it too.

    How can Katie hold the cards? She is not even married to your husband. She can’t claim a share of your assets if they are in your name. Has your husband put her name down in anything he owns?

    About picture and videos that’s a silly mistake your husband made amongst his haram relationship. To me it sounds like you want to deceive people by making their relationship halal. Has your husband repented? Has he sought forgiveness from Allah.

    No you shouldn’t protect your husband if he is doing haram. Where did you get that from? You advise him but by putting up with him it’s like you are ok with what he is doing unless of course he has asked Allah for forgiveness.

    How much do you know about this other woman? Has your husband investigated her properly? Why did she get divorced? Does she have family? Why do you feel so threatened by her having video’s and pictures because if she does anything she is also going to make it look bad for herself. What will people say to her where she lives?

    You need to look out for yourself and your son. Protect what is yours. I am not suggesting divorce but normally custody goes to the mother and with your husbands behaviour and if he marries a woman who has been deported then it doesn’t look to good for him.

    It’s ok you love your husband but sometimes we love something that is not good for us. Hope you read quran often and understand it. Hope Allah makes things easy for you.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches,

    After I sent the post saying I think you may be Katie, I thought maybe it wasn’t quite appropriate. Some suspension is a sin. I apologise and it’s okay that you responded as you did.

    I have a better idea what you’re dealing with now and would like to try to help. I have to get back with you though, as soon as possible,. I’m a bit tied up right now. But I think we have lots to talk about. I’m glad you’re still here with us. Insha’Allah I’ll chat with you soon.

  • Peaches

    November 21, 2017

    Hi annabellah.

    I was taken aback that you assumed I was Katie and thus I didn’t mean to be rude earlier.

    Yes I can handle comments, good and bad and no I don’t expect anyone taking my side, my husband and Katie’s side.

    Anyways from yours and Serena’s replies made me think in depth. Alhamdulillah for that. Aside from that, I am glad that your replies are straight forward, a differrent response from my daily life where everyone just agrees with me, blindly at times.

    Thank you for your replies and I hope inshallah everyone is doing good at each of your end

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    And Peaches, what makes you think Katie holds the cards in the sitation or has the upper hand?

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches,

    If you thought we we’re just going to sit here, side with you about all you said and tell you what we think you want to hear, well that is not what we do here. Doing that does no one any good. We ask questions so that we can understand the situation better. As you can see, just from our last few posts to you, you’ve come back and shared more so that we know more about you, Katie and your husband. We can only give advise based on what a person shares.

    Sorry that your feelings got hurt by us being upfront and honest with you, and sorry you don’t like our advice. We don’t have pity parties here, if it’s what you were expecting.

    What were you expecting to hear? Do you even know?

  • Peaches

    November 21, 2017

    Sorry for stumbling across this blog for advise.

    Assalamuailkum and thank you for your time.
    Take care ladies

  • Peaches

    November 21, 2017

    It is not easy for me to accept polygamy in this haram situation. So please do not judge me in that way. I do have ever consider divorcing my husband but I do not want to coz I love him and custody battle for our child is just ugly

    Regarding situation on my husband and Katie, I do not want to be involved of coz but regarding my company and assets I do want to know where I stand since Katie now hold the cards on the situation

  • Peaches

    November 21, 2017

    Hi ladies.

    Katie used to work in my country and that’s where my husband got to know her. She has then been deported back to her own country.

    Regarding about my husband wanting to marry Katie is because of videos and pictures that she has when they were together. Because of my husband and myself families background i suggested to him to marry her to protect his reputation. I believe how good or bad a husband is, muslim wife should always protect him. Yes my husband was wrong coz he went astray, i was also at fault for not noticing anything earlier. The affair has happened but what can i do?

    Hi annabellah..i do understand that this is your blog, i came here looking for some support regarding my in laws and family acceptance on polygamy. It is not nice of u to attack me and assume that I am Katie. I’m sorry to disappoint u but I’m not her and I wish no other women will ever come across her and go through the emotional and mentally draining situation that I’m going through.

  • Serena

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches

    How do you and your husband know what Katie is upto when your husband and Katie are not in the same country?

    How can you encourage your husband to marry a muslim woman who fornicates? Will she stop once she gets married?

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    My gut feeling is that Peaches is “Katie” and she’s making the enquiries on behalf of herself in disguise. Why would a wife who married first be advocating for a woman who is fornicating with her (Peaches’) husband who is committing adultery.

  • Serena

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches

    Hope you don’t mind but your post kind of doesn’t add up to me.

    So Katie is a foreigner in a different country so isn’t it easy to tell your husband to stop his haram relationship and cut contact with Katies and concentrate on his marriage? How do they manage to see each other if she is in a different country?

    Why are you or Katie so concerned about the in laws. It was a haram relationship. They probably see no good in yhe the woman and want nothing to do with her.

    Say few months down the line your husband starts sleeping around with another woman. Will you tell him to marry her? How do you know how many woman your husband is sleeping with whilst being married to you.

    Your concern should be about your marriage and how you are going to protect it and you should be more concerned about your husband’s behaviour.

    Are Katie and your husband little children who need you to make life decisions and sort out their mess? What does she expect if she is to remain a secret wife?

    Also you do not no the future so once they get married the in laws might have a change of heart. How will you really handle it if they accept her and she permanently comes to stay in the country you and husband live in?

    I would be more worried about a husband doing haram, satisfying lusts haram way rather than a marriage that might not even take place. How can you even trust a husband like that?

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches,

    If you’re concerned about Katie, then tell her to get a Wali (Guardian), who will negotiate with her intended about matters that are important to her so that she and her intended, before the marriage, could have an agreement/ contract that represents her interests.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2017

    Peaches, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Those things that you mentioned are for Katie and her intended to concern themselves about. She most likely won’t get all that you have and it’s okay. Allah determines what we get, anyhow.

    If Katie doesn’t like that she’d be a secret wife etc. she could tell him that she no longer intends to marry him. I really don’t get why you are so involved in their business. I could see if you were concerned about stuff such as what the schedule would be and how your husband marrying her would impact your life in that type of way. It’s as though you think you’re their overseer. I think you should butt out their business and let them figure it out. They may not even get married, yet you’re wasting your time trying to figure out their affairs.

  • Peaches

    November 21, 2017

    Waalaikum salam

    Thanks for your reply anabellah.

    But what about having in laws? Does it mean that she will never get a chance to be part of his family as a daughter in law? How about inheritance? If he does marry Katie, she has every right on his family’s inheritance just like me and she has made it clear to me that every right that I have she must have it too.

    Katie is a foreigner and it’s not easy for her and her child to visit our country without a proper visa. It is unfair for her as it will be considered a secret marriage. I wouldn’t want that for myself and she doesn’t want that either.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2017

    Peaches, Hello and welcome!

    You asked how to handle polygamy if no family members accept it. You only need to concern yourself with whether or not you accept polygamy. Everyone else is on their own. It’s not your responsibility to convince them to accept it, nor try to sway their views about it. If they ask you questions and you believe in polygamy because it’s part of Islam, then let them know your thoughts and how you feel about it. Other than that, you have no control over other people.

    I suggest you stop telling your husband to marry that woman. You’ve already advised him that he should do it. No need to keep nagging him about it. Allah will determine whether they married or not. You need to make your intentions as to whether you will remain in the marriage or not. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The hard drive died on my computer, so I am stuck using this phone, which is not one of my favorite devices. It will take maybe about 2 weeks for me to get the computer back once I’ve sent it in and they fix it. So if I don’t write an awful lot, you know why SIGH smh. It’s all good, right? LOL

  • Peaches

    November 20, 2017

    Hi Ladies,

    I am new to this site and also I hope I can give some comment based on my experience.

    I am still in a monogamous marriage for now. My husband wants to marry again (let’s call her Katie), well actually i suggested that he marry Katie instead of doing zina with her. Yes my husband had done one of the major sins by having an ongoing physical intimacy with Katie for few years now.

    Of coz being a woman, naturally I was angry, hurt and felt betrayed when I came to know about their affair. I hated katie for all the time that my husband spent with her. But because I love and respect my husband and still want to protect a divorcee woman like katie, i asked him to marry her since he lusts for her.

    As a muslim, I understand that it allowed to marry more than 1 wife. My husband parents doesn’t agree and accept polygamy. They blame Katie for causing my husband parents and him to seperate. I am confused, coz my in laws will never accept Katie eventhough Katie is a muslim. Can you give me some advise how to handle polygamy if no family members accept it.

    My husband marriage still has not taken place, coincidently everytime they plan to nikah, there will always be obstacles and they will re-plan again their nikah

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Furthermore, there is no prerequisite that the first wife accepts polygamy before he marries again.

    Freida,

    You said that you and he thought his other wife was righteous and could handle polygamy. You said that she was righteous till you came along. Maybe until you came along there was nothing to put her righteousness to test. Polygamy could have been her test of righteousness for her to see that her belief in Allah, her faith in Islam was weaker than she thought. It could have been to let her see that she had much more work to do. Perhaps she became complaisant and maybe even haughty in believing that she was righteous. I don’t know her. Allah knows best. Allah may have tested her with polygamy to open her eyes and cause her to see where she stands in her belief and worship of Him.

    Her husband wasn’t responsible and can’t be blamed for what his other wife went through. What she went through had to do with her. It was for her. What she went through was for her for Allah’s reason(s). Allah tells us that no bearer of burdens can bear the burden of another.

    Now, if her husband mistreated her or did something wrong to her (See, I’m not talking about what’s in her heart), he will surely account for it. Who knows, maybe he is now suffering the consequences of something he’s done wrong in his life, as he has two wives now who, based on what you’ve said, apparently don’t want to be bothered with him when he needs someone the most. Maybe he’ll end up all alone. We reap what we sow.

    We all should be mindful of what we do. You’re walking out on your husband because you have no more use for him and you don’t want the burden of caring for him. Maybe when you get up there in age and in need your kids will turn on you; you’ll have no husband, and you’ll have no one to care for you. Only Allah knows what He has planned for any of us. I’m a firm believer in that what goes around, comes around.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2017

    Freida,

    You asked, is it not selfish that your husband did not care what his other wife thought or felt when he married you. Well, if it makes him selfish, what does it make you?

    I don’t know how your husband treated his other wife while she was going through her thing. I don’t know if he was kind, compassionate and patient with her or not.

    Because she was going through tough times, was no reason for him not to marry again. Most women who had married their husbands first, who later find themselves in polygamous marriages, go through tough times emotionally, psychologically and physically. However, if every man waited for his wife to get to a good place in accepting polygamy before he married again, there would probably be no polygamy. It’s because a lot of women never accept polygamy.

  • Rosa

    February 13, 2017

    I meant vetting lol

  • Rosa

    February 13, 2017

    Opportunist is the perfect description of Freida’s selfish behaviour. It was convenient for her at the time to marry someone twenty years her senior to care for her and her children at the time to get herself back on her feet. Now that she is she wants to throw him out with the garbage. He was there for her when she needed now that the tables are turned, it’s such a shame. It’s wrong and she knows it that’s why she’s trying to clear her conscious by getting women to be his wife

  • Freida

    February 13, 2017

    ana,

    no, i do not wish to get married again ( my first husband was the same age but so much into his career, he forgot us or maybe he finds me boring so he left me with my two very young kids. We are still friends and in the weekends he would come and fetch his two sons).My former in laws would visit us occasionally and take the kids out.

    i would not regard myself as selfish for that is what my second husband taught me. He married me without the knowledge of his 1st wife. They hav been married for 28 years. When she got to know, she fainted and had depression for several years. When i got pregnant, she wanted to kill herself but my husband said that she is not righteous. She then moved to be with her kids who takes good care of her. Last i heard that she went on vacation to Barcelona with her friends.

    She was a righteous muslim woman before my marriage. That was the reason i agreed to marry her husband. i thought she could share but no woman would want to share her husband.
    My husband did not care what she thinks or how emotional she gets. He wants to marry me.
    no matter what. is that not selfish?

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2017

    Rosa,

    The way I see it is that some people are simply opportunists. Freida said that this second marriage was one of convenience.

    Who knows, maybe she met a young guy at work whom she’s interested in. If it’s so, let us see if he’ll want her four kids by two different husbands or he only wants her.

    I agree with you that a person like that doesn’t get far if she doesn’t change her ways. People get their just reward when they do dirt and it ain’t a good one either. I wonder why she left her 1st husband. I suppose he wasn’t meeting one of her worldly needs.

  • Rosa

    February 12, 2017

    Freida
    You’re not going to get far in life living by what is most convenient to you. It’s selfish plain n simple. InshaAllah Allah will send your husband a wife deserving of him and him deserving of her and will not waiver when the going gets tough.

  • Freida

    February 12, 2017

    Dear ana, rose and serena. Tq for yur time in answering to my problems. Really appreciate it and it has given me new insights into my situation.
    I wish to be kind to my husband for he is a good hardworking man but on the practical side, i could not go on being married to him. I had loved him and like him for he has taken care of me and our kids well. I do not belong to him and he does not belong to me therefore we must go our separate ways in finding Allah. Divorce is the best solution. I married him out of convenience and i ask for divorce out of convenience too.
    Thank you again . I will no longer be in a polygamous marriage and i thank Allah for putting me in the situation fo the last 8 years but now i hav to take care of myself and my children.
    I am helping him to find some other to be his next wife. Hopefully this one will take care of him. It seems that most ladies of my age does not seem too interested being in a polygamous marriage and taking care of a sick husband. Being said that, neither does the older ones.
    May Allah give him the best and takes care of him.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2017

    Serena, Salaamu Alaikum,

    You said to Freida, “Who knows what first wife has been through and maybe now Allah has given her relief.” Serena, I think the same as you about it.

    It saddens me to hear that Freida sees her husband as a burden now that he is no longer of no use to her. She’s got her job and is out there working, probably feeling good about herself out there with people her own age, and now she wants to unload her husband. She must not love him anymore. No one with love in her heart for her husband could do such a thing to him.

  • Serena

    February 11, 2017

    Salam

    Freida

    What cold hearted person would not want to take care of their husband or wife when they are ill?

    Don’t be so hooked on what the first wife is supposed to be doing. Look at it this way, do it to gain reward from Allah. The first wife is going to miss out on that. Do maybe this is a test for you so don’t fail.

    Allah forbid if anything was to happen to your husband how would you feel knowing you had a chance to look after him but you didn’t.

    Don’t know what country you live in but aome countries give assistance so of you have to cut working hours to look after husband you won’t loose much financially.

    Ana

    I like your replies to Frieda. Would she complain if she had him more to herself despite his age if he was fit and healthy? It’s sad she feels he is a burden. Who knows what first wife has been through and maybe now Allah has given her relief.

  • Rosa

    February 11, 2017

    Frieda
    I forgot to mention my husbands first wife sounds to be just like your co wife. She spends all her time with her adult children going out living the good life. I guess she feels she paid her dues idk. So it’s up to my husbands second wife and me.

  • Rosa

    February 11, 2017

    Freida

    my husband is also older than me and he has a few health issues. A marriage is through thick and thin, good and bad you can’t just pack your bags when the going gets tough instead find ways to make it work. You wouldn’t like if the roles were reversed and your husband left you with all your kids for dead. Like mentioned already you knew your husband was older and no one stays healthy and young forever. I know it’s hard but you have to stick it out. Make the best with the cards you’ve been dealt. Sometimes we think the grass is greener on the other side but often times it’s not or if it is, it’s fake. You have to ask yourself if you’re really willing to put your older kids through another transition all because things are tough right now. If your husband was abusing you in any way shape or form I would advise you to hit the road jack but you said he was really nice. But to leave him for dead due to something he has absolutely no control over that’s just inhumane.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    Life is not a bed of roses or peaches and cream. We have trials and tribulations. We have tests, rewards and punishment. It’s tough for you now. Does that mean you hit the road (get to steppin and leave)? or do you do what you’ve got to do. Men have to man-up. Maybe you’ve got to woman-up.

    I’d say talk with his other wife about helping you out. As I said, I don’t know what type of relationship you have with her, if any. I’d imagine if you two were on good terms you’d be sharing time with him more equally. If he has been staying with you the majority of the time, you could expect her not to have much sympathy for you now. She may say you wanted him, now you’ve got him. Handle your business…

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    It happens that young women marry older men without thinking that the age difference will become significant as their husbands and they themselves grow older. I mention it on the blog every now and again – I say the young women wakes up one day to find that they are married to “grandpa”.

    The young women married what some know him as, a “sugar daddy”. He takes care of ALL her needs, help her with the kids etc It’s all beautiful in the beginning stages. Then she finds that he’s now too old and she may want to be with and do things with someone her own age or closer to it. Did the young woman think that her husband had found the fountain of youth and would remain as he was when they met?

    When a spouse’s health is no longer good, it’s not the time to kick him to the curb (throw him out so to speak). In a good marriage, spouses stick with each other through thick and thin. You new how old your husband was when you married him. The age difference was okay then, but it’s not okay now because it’s work for you. You’d rather have your free time to do more things that bring you joy even if it’s time to relax more.

    Many young women who have children work too. Some have to take care of their parents, as well. In your case, you’re taking care of your husband. Maybe since you’re working and I’m sure he probably has income,too, you could hire someone to come in and help out.

    I know it is said that when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) got up there in age and was very sick, all his wives consulted with one another and agreed that he would remain with Aishah (his youngest wife) instead of him going from one house the other. Perhaps, your home is the one that your husband would like to stay in due to his health problems. His other apparently doesn’t have a problem with that. Think of the barakats (blessings) that you may stand to gain if you took good care of your husband seeking the good pleasure of Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2017

    Dear Freida,

    Thank you for sharing more about your situation, so that we can understand it better. I have a better understanding now. Again, how much “responsibility” a wife has towards her husband in a polygamous marriage boils down to what the parties to the marriage agree on. There are some wives who live in different countries from their husbands. Consequently, they may only see each other a month or two out of the year or every couple or few years or barely at all.

    I wonder whether your husband always spent most of his time with you and you never complained about it, nor sent him home to his other wife. Is it that his other wife got used to him being with you most of the time, and now she’s got her own life absent of him? Even if he just began to stay mainly with you recently, a husband would probably think the wife would relish him being there with her – that’s if she loves him.

    Have you sat down and spoke with her about how you feel? Have you asked her to share in the responsibility of taking care of him? She may very well think that she spent the majority of her life taking care of him and now it’s your turn. After all, in your previous post you said that she is “old” and “tired”. You’re young, right? Maybe you should shoulder some of the burden now since you’re stronger and more able. She raised her kids, maybe worked and cared for him and the household. She may be saying that she paid her dues.

  • Freida

    February 10, 2017

    dear ana,

    I could no longer care for him as he has many illness maybe due to his age.. I hav asked the 1st wife to take care of him but she does not want to as she is busy travelling around the world with her adult kids. Since most of the time he is with me, she has also moved nearer to them. At 60, she is enjoying her life with her friends and her kids.
    I am working full time while my kids are in day care and in school. I could not afford the time and energy to care for him as i hav 4 kids of my own. I thought polygamy is about responsibilities and the 1st wife must also take care of him. i dont mind having him part time. But now that he is getting old, he has become a burden.
    i am really tired and bored of taking care of him.

  • Freida

    February 10, 2017

    Dear ana,

    i married him as soon as i ended my edah with my ex husband because i could not be alone and he was also persistent. He told me and my parents that he love his 1st wife but he also love me.
    He is a good muslim man and wants to take care the both of us.
    i thought if he is only part time with me, i could hav some time for myself too so i felt polygamy is right for me. But he spends most of his time with me. I am working. My younger children are sent to day care while the other 2 goes to school. He is getting older and coping with sickness. it has become a burden to me as he is always with me.
    The 1st wife is enjoying the freedom and travelling all over the world with her adult kids.Does she not hav a responsibility to take care of her husband too?

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Freida,

    I was wondering why you want a divorce, being that you have two young children by your current husband and two children by your previous husband. You said that you’re younger than your husband and this is your second marriage. Have you determined why you’re so unhappy? Has he been abusing you? I was just wondering.

    Could it be that your husband’s other wife has no interest in her husband, and therefore it is not challenging for you to be with him? Maybe you can shed some light on it for us.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2017

    Freida,

    Thank you for the clarification. How is this in polygamy, you asked. It really boils down to what the parties to the marriage agree to that is lawful (halal).

    If she doesn’t want him full-time and he wants to be with you, his wife, part-time He’s with you both part-time- what’s wrong with it?

    If you want a divorce, and he won’t give it to you, then I suppose you would have to go to an Islamic court or to the Masjid for some help in getting a divorce. If you don’t mind me asking, why do you want a divorce?

  • Freida

    February 9, 2017

    Tq ana and rose
    I hav been married for 8 years to my current husband who also hav a wife the same age as him. I am 20 years younger than him and i hav 2 young children with him and 2 children from my ex husband. I asked him to divorce me as I would like to be free . But his 1st wife would not take him full time. She is old and tired and she seems to enjoy her life with her adult children and grandkids.
    She told him to take care of himself.
    I was curious about the duties of the 1st wife to her husband and to the 2nd wife. I thought i could share part time but she wants me to take him full time. How is this in polygamy?

  • Rosa

    February 8, 2017

    Freida welcome

    Your post confuses me as well please elaborate

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Dear Freida, Welcome!

    I’m not quite sure what you mean when you say why does the 1st wife have to be responsible. Responsible for what?

    I think most people misunderstand a lot about polygamy. With polygamy, the husband has more than one wife. Nothing is preventing a wife from continuing her life with her husband. Of course, there will be changes because she’s not the only wife any longer. He’ll need to spend time with, and take care of his other wife/wives and children the same as he did with the first.

    All the drama and problems ensue when the wife doesn’t want to accept that her husband has another wife. If he marries more women it’s because Allah decreed it to be. He selected his wives and made it happen.

  • Freida

    February 8, 2017

    Dear ana,
    If the husband is the one doing polygamy, how is it that the 1st wife hav to be responsible? She stays and goes through life as she always does. The verses in the quran never said anything about her responsibility towards the new situation that she was put into. Its all on his shoulders.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’m so happy for you. It’s nice to hear that you are coming along and adjusting so nicely. I’d imagine you would miss your dear hubz. It just makes seeing him more special when you do. I’m glad to hear that he’s doing well with his business, as well. It’s been said that when people are in polygamous marriages they tend to prosper. I believe it. Hang in there and don’t despair. Perhaps he didn’t share the schedule with her to avoid all the drama. Sometimes it’s best to face the music (hearing the rants, dealing with the temper tantrums etc) later instead of before, during and after.

  • Mari2

    February 7, 2017

    @Ana,
    This blog post was spot on for me. 2 arrived almost 2 weeks ago. She arrived on Friday so I told M to spend her first weekend here with her, not me. This past weekend he and I spent together working at his new business he very recently was graced by Allah to afford. I enjoyed my time with him immensely though spending 10 hours a day working the weekend was exhausting.
    I will say that being away from daily contact with M has been more difficult than I had foolishly imagined it to be. I definitely pray more to Allah for strength as I made the commitment to keep my conversations with M at a minimum (morning Salam, an evening Salam) and only by text, during his time with her. But I made that commitment out of respect for her. And I asked for her to reciprocate in kind.
    And I will say,it is very hard for me to be with him less though I thought I had it all tied up in that department…lol.

    I cannot say if he shared his agreements with me with her. I do know that last Saturday evening after we worked together all day, his phone was blowing up around 10pm with messages from 2. He ignored. Then his phone was blowing up with messages from his sis and mom whom 2 resides with asking him where he was and when he was coming home. He responded to his sis that he was at work with me and he would return home on Monday evening after work, which he did. I was curious as to whether or not he bothered to share the schedule with 2, or if 2 even realizes that I am still here in some capacity. But I just let my questions go.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You don’t know how happy I was to read the last sentence of your post. You said you’re having problems with your NEW phone. I don’t think I could have dealt with hearing that something is still wrong with the blog

    polygamy 411

    I still need to get to figuring out how to make the smilies work again.

  • Mari2

    February 7, 2017

    Salaam to all. I posted last week, but due to issues my post never made it. My phone doesn’t seem to have updated anything on this site since February 2,I got to this article via my PC which today strangely prohibits me from typing any messages. I used my PC to find the latest blog post and had to Google the blog post title in my phone to get here via a Google search. It’s so weird. New phone is really making me angry.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    Sister Kadija, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much for sharing and for the kind word. I pray the best for you and your family, as well. πŸ™‚

  • Kadija

    February 7, 2017

    I just want to clarify that I made the post cos it’s a side of polygamy that few people talk about, yet I’ve met many women who have tried polygamous marriages then ended up devorced, Allah knows best, for a variety of reasons. Only allah can judge not me, but most of these sisters I’ve spoken to have sited conflicts between wanting to be deen and wanting to be dunya (aka wanting to put Allah first or prioritising people or things in this world) but allah knows best. Sometimes it’s a case of the husband and or cowife causing such unfairness or unkind Ness that the wife feel she must leave for the sake of her deen and sanity or safety and children. In other cases it’s the wife admitting to her being such inclined and just realising it at the time. Each person and their experiences are unique to them and I can’t relate more them to say what I’ve been told, as opinion not fact πŸ™‚ allah is the only one worthy of judging anyone πŸ™‚

    As for my husband. He is a good man and he always tells us to put Allah first, it’s was his only condition of marriage and the only things he asks of me (I can only talk of my experienced with me, I know not about his relationship with my cowife). He’s kind and gentle and if he makes a mistake he will apologise for it and repent. He also loves very deeply, not lustful ly but love for Allah’s sake, so to lose a woman he loves is very hard on him emotionally. He prays and is so much calmer then most men I know would be, and he doesn’t complain, but I can see that he’s in pain. We’re very open verbally and have discussed things, I asked him what he needs of me and he told me. We prayed together and I reaffirmed my affection for him, and got him a cuppa tea (he like tea lol) and ml ostly we pray togrther. We also talk about hadiths we’ve read and things we’ve learnt which he finds cheering mashallah πŸ™‚
    I can’t do anything to fix their relationship. I can make my husband happy. All I can do is pray and be as supportive as posible to my husband and to my cowife if she wants me. Allah is the one with power not I.
    But thank you all or your advices, it’s must appreciated. I just thought it might be a good topic for a post of your someday Ana?
    I’ve been reading alot of your posts lately and showing them to my husband. It’s so lovely to see a sister advices people to put Allah first alhamdullilah πŸ™‚ inshaallah I pray allah grants you and the other sisters here much joy and reward in this life and the next inshaallah ameen πŸ™‚

  • Kadija

    February 7, 2017

    Assalam alaikum and jazaakallah kheir to all.

    Oh I love my cowife (ex cowife sorry) as a sister and understand she had to make her choices for her reasons. I hold no disregard for her and nor does my husband.
    What I meant by putting others rights before the self is in regard to my personal views of my own actions, for allah sake (I can’t do anything without allah, so really it’s not my actions but Allah’s will inshaallah). Such as giving people the time and ace they need to heal and trying to ease the hardships faced by my husband as best I can by allah mercy inshaallah. And supporting him and my cowife (sorry ex cowife)
    Allah truly is the best of planners πŸ™‚

  • tunis

    February 7, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana

    Inshallah ‘all is well’….I cant seem to find the new updated Feb. Postings….I know there was a glitch…and even my last comments on ‘loving a husband less’ thread were posted then disappeared..??

    But for the life of me..cant seem to find the new started Feb. Posts on my phone ?? hmmm ? Missing out..help?

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2017

    kadija,

    I put the links here to a couple of the posts/themes that Rosa referred to, plus one more, to make it easier for you. I had changed the title of one.
    My Co-Wife Disturbs My Peace Intentionally
    How to Live Polygamy in Peace
    Peaceful Polygamous Marriages

    Kadija, I understand that you are concerned about your husband’s feelings and how he is feeling effects you. I agree with Rosa that you just have to let him and his ex reconcile their differences. He just has to go through it and figure it out. Men don’t like women trying to fix them. If you try to make things better it will probably only make things worse. Give him room to breath and sort through it at his own pace and time.

  • Rosa

    February 7, 2017

    Kadija as salaamu alaikum. Is this a new kadija or the same as the one from a few months back? If you’re a newbie welcome. About coping with difficulties when a wife causes hardships in a polygamous marriage read the thread “my co wife disturbs my peace” and “how to find peace in a polygamous marriage ” and the many other threads that speak on that topic. It will shed light on what you’re facing.
    About coping when a wife leaves a marriage I’m not sure. I’ve never been in that type of ordeal. I’d imagine it’s a bit sad I mean who wants to see a marriage fail. It’s not much you can do but accept Qadr of Allah, be content with His decision and leave it to your husband and ex to reconcile or let go. Continue to Focus on your marriage and as always putting Allah first.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Do anyone have any thoughts about what’s been said here. I’d like to hear it – not from staunch polygamy haters though.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija,

    I reread your post. About difficulties in a marriage when wives cause hardship, we talk about that all the time here.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija,

    No need to apologize for your “rant”. We’re used to one another ranting here. I liked your post. It was thought provoking.

    About one putting other people’s “rights” before her own, I don’t quite understand what many mean by “rights”. The word “rights” gets thrown about loosely on this blog. I’m familiar with the rights as referred to in the Quran, such as the right of a wife to be fed, clothed and sheltered in a place that he would take shelter, to be treated kindly and with justice. Those aren’t Allah’s words verbatim. I know that we’re supposed to be kind and just to all mankind.

    If you’re saying that your husband’s other wife should have considered how you and your husband felt before she left the marriage and shouldn’t have left, well, I can’t get with that. She needed to only find and consider what Allah says in the Quran that she could apply to her life and act accordingly.

    If she was unhappy and Allah allowed her to leave, good for her. There was no need for her to put you and your husband before what she thought was best for her. I understand what you said about putting others needs or wants before our own, but I don’t think it applies to your situation.

    Again, we should be just and kind to all mankind. It doesn’t exclude a spouse. If your husband is all that you depicted him to be and his other wife was troublesome, then perhaps it was a blessing that she walked (left the marriage). Your husband may not see it that way now, because his heart is still broken, however, in time, he may very well see it as a good thing.

    We have to learn to accept all of Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm because Allah knows what is best for us. We should try to get to the point in which we say, Alhumdulliah under all conditions and circumstances. It means even when things seem to go against us.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2017

    Kadija, Welcome. It’s nice to have you here.

    I haven’t covered “the difficulties faced in polygamous marriages when one of the wives leaves or causes hardships?” because I’m not knowledgeable about it. I don’t know of any difficulties and not many have mentioned any here. I’m glad you can enlighten us on what some may be experiencing.

    I can say that I’d imagine a husband who didn’t want a divorce, however, the wife leaves would go through a thing. I’ve heard that men take those types of divorces harder than most women. It coincides with what you said about polygamy may be more difficult on a man than on a woman in some ways. I think we may be able to make a post/thread on the changes that seem to take place with men once they become polygamous. I have to give that one some more thought; although all are welcome to discuss it here on this thread.

    I think some women in polygamous marriages thinks that if one of the wives leaves the marriage, the husband wouldn’t much care because he still has another or more wives. It’s not the case. No wife can replace the other wife whom the husband has love in his heart for. It’s the same as with children. If a child dies or is taken away from the mother, the mother doesn’t say, for instance, oh, well, such is life, I’ve got three more kids. She loves all her kids (I hope). The husband loves all his wives (I hope).

  • Kadija

    February 6, 2017

    Have you covered the difficulties faced in polygamous marriages when one of the wives leaves or causes hardships?
    My husband hasn’t been quite the same after his other wife left and the emotions are hard to deal with sometimes but such is life. Alhamdullilah. He is still dutiful and kind and God fearing and I’m in no doubt of his affection or love for me, but he is also more thoughtful and reserved. He was hurt badly by his ex and is confused by it all. As was I and, I assume, she wasn’t too bonnie either (I can’t make assumptions on what I know not and I’ll not diss my sister). The feelings of betrayal are bitter and strong sometimes.
    However that all said, Allah is the best of planners and we put our trust in allah and always work towards pleasing HIM. As such we can face whatever trials come our way.

    It is hard to a man to mourn the loss of a loved one, especially a wife, whilst still having to tend to the physical (aka food and such) and emotional needs of a wife who is also hurting, though maybe not as much as him.
    I often think polygamy is much harder for the men then for the women for this reason. We women are able to distance ourselves somewhat from the hardships of marriage, by stepping back from our cowife and taking the time when our husband is away (woth his other wife) to focus on ourselves. Whereas he is on duty 24/7 no matter what wife he is with that night. I sometimes thing women need to learn to be more supportive of their husbands needs as well as their own. I heard a saying once, I think it may be a hadith but I can’t reference it sorry: “focus on fullfiling other peoples rights rather then having them fulfill yours.” I like this saying, reminds me that life isn’t always easy. Can marry a rich man who turns poor overnight, or vice versa, as per Allah’s will.
    I admire such brothers and pray they attain jannat inshaallah.
    And I admire the sisters who bare the hardships in their lives with the sabr mashaallah. Inshaallah I pray allah grants them just rewards.
    Love and duas to all πŸ™‚ sorry for the mini rant πŸ™‚