Alone in a Polygamous Marriage

 alone in a polygamous marriageWe’ve received posts from women who say they feel all alone in a polygamous marriage. They say their husbands were closer to them than anyone else in their lives. Their husbands were nearest and dearest to them. When their husbands became polygamous, they felt lost.

Now that he is polygamous, it is no longer just her and him. She has to share her husband. Furthermore, he has to leave her and their children to go to another family that he has made. Sure, she still has a husband part-time. But what is she to do the other part of the time?

What is she to do about feeling all alone in a polygamous marriage? Some wives say their biological family cut ties with them when they became Muslim. As a result, they have no family. In fact, some don’t have any friends. The friends they do have usually are not in a polygamous marriage. Therefore those friends do not understand what the wives who are in a polygamous marriage go through.

A woman feels all alone in a polygamous marriage when no one understands what she is going through

The advice that she gets from her friends and her family is not always good. For instance, some may urge her to divorce her husband. She may not want a divorce. Besides, they donโ€™t consider that she loves him. Divorce is not easy to go through either. Not to mention, she most likely has children with her husband. The children need consideration, as well. In addition, the wife may depend on her husband financially. What if she has no place to go, if she leaves him?

Others may urge her to step out on her husband. In other words, they tell her to get a boyfriend on the side. Doing such a thing does not help. Men and women aren’t alike. It’s not the way Allah created them. It only makes life worse for her and lowers her moral standards. Her reputation becomes ruined. Most importantly, she ruins her soul. Most importantly, it hurts her chance to enter Paradise. Unfortunately, she doesn’t realize that she only cuts off her nose to spite her face, if she does such a low thing. No wife should take that advice.

So what is a woman to do when she feels all alone in a polygamous marriage?

We are social beings. No one likes feeling alone. Only Allah is One. The best thing a woman can do when she feels all alone in a polygamous marriage is to get closer to Allah. She must put Allah first in her life. Allah is the only One whom she can trust to look out for her. He is the only One whom she can rely on. He will always be there for her when she put her faith and trust in Him.

The way she learns about Allah and grows near to Him is by reading the Holy Quran. Reading it with sincerity is extremely important. It’s how she receives Allah’s guidance. There are lessons in the stories that are in the Quran for us to learn and live by. We have to learn how to apply to our lives what we reads in the Quran. It’s important to know and believe that Allah is the One who teaches.

Maybe by feeling alone she will make an effort toย  grow near to her lord. It gives her a chance to learn what life is about and what her purpose is for being on this planet. Being in a polygamous marriage could be a means to take her to a higher level. It could elevate her and could help to purify her soul.

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85 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Number4,

    You have a lot in common with ummof4 who is here with us. Every now and again, she tell us that we should make a life outside of our husbands. We should not make them our world. She volunteers as one way to keep busy. There is many things we can do. We only need to find a halal interest and explore it, Insha Allah ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Number4

    January 12, 2016

    To women who feel alone, joining Islamic classes for women or attending events for Muslim women may be helpful. We all should always keep Allah first but we also have to interact with other people. Seek an outing weekly and be good to yourself. Pamper yourself visit acceptable places that will help you to love yourself.

    Many times we give up our identity and become consumed with our husbands, Allah alone is the only one we worship not men. Polygamy is not easy, our husbands may have other wives who also cater to him, he may also cater to his wives too but we should still do things that please us as long as it is Sunnah.

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    @Kat
    Although I don’t know you, you’ve been in my thoughts since I read your post earlier today.

    When I came across the following words it made me think of you:

    Your key is patience;
    Your ultimate weapon is Duah (prayer);
    Your strength is in Sujood;
    Your comfort is in Quran;
    And your ease is in His remembrance.
    For indeed in His remembrance do hearts find true rest and tranquillity.

    I hope this help to make this day a bit easier. Even if its just a little.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Mary Lamb,

    I am really sorry I missed your post to me back on Dec 30th and I wanted to repl to u.From everything u have said I am pretty sure he used u for immigration BUTTTT u have kids with him sooooo that changes things ALOT.Here is the thing with Pakistani men that I have figured out over the years”THEY LIE and the LIE ALOT”.
    First thing is don’t stress out.Is the girl he married to a cousin? Also don’t buy for a second that he was ever going to divorce her he is not because in Pakistan u can’t just divorce that easy without a huge family feud or someone getting shot.I hate when Pakistani men lie to foreign women about the culture but again that is just more proof he is a dog and he has used u for immigration.
    I don’t think it matters one way or the other if he was born in UAE or Pakistan(What on earth that would matter I don’t know) But Pakistani men lie to make themselves look better but believe me UAE is not giving them citizenship and UAE use Pakistani people for slave labor.So why Pakistani men act like UAE is some huge thing is more than stupid to me but people r simple minded what can I say.
    Here is the thing have u been to Pakistan? have u met your cowife ? Has your inlaws met your children? Again these r all signs and u can figure out pretty fast if his family is embracing u or not but then again Pakistani people our really nice on your face and cut u down like a dog behind your back from what I have seen.
    As far as your cowife never think she will accept Polygamy she will not.Pakistani women as a whole DO NOT accept Polygamy.My own cowife was Pakistani and she was nice on my face but she really hated me and in the end flat told my husband to pick either me or her thinking he would pick her because his sister was married to cowife brother.Her plan backfired and he took his sisters divorce and tossed her out.I don’t want to tell u not to befriend her but I am saying take everything with a grain of salt.
    I really want to know more about your situation and what your inlaws think about u etc.. I do think since u have kids with him it does help in the fact he may very well not divorce u but that doesn’t change the fact that u have a liar and a cheat for a husband.Welcome to my world!! I lived this life for 12 yrs.
    I hope u stay with the blog I really believe the blog can help u and I can sure fill u in on anything u want to to know about Pakistani men and the culture I have actually lived in Pakistan for years at a time.Hugsssss……….

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Kat,

    Welcome to the Blog I am Gail! Hang in there I know it is a rough ride.Don’t think about them just concentrate on u and maybe getting a big juicy burger or Pizza and a movie.Just enjoy yourself over the next few days.
    Do u get along with your Cowife? How long have u been married to your husband?

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2016

    Kat, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m glad you have come forward to talk with us. It’s a good day to be here, if your hubz is doing a nikah this evening. Insha Allah, all will work out for them and for you. You may very well find your life will get better quickly, if you truly want to accept Allah’s decree. Yes, of course, you will go through a thing in adjusting, but overall, it will become very good for you and eventually your life may be better than it’s ever been.

    You should be okay today. Just make sure you don’t listen to Satan’s whispers. Keep your thoughts on Allah, remembering that He decided the nikah for today and you know Allah knows what is best. As long as you keep your thoughts on Allah and His attributes etc., you will be alright.

    We’re here for you today and all days, if it pleases Allah. Do you want to tell us a little about how it all came about or talk about something else? You’re going to be just fine.

  • Kat

    January 7, 2016

    Salaams. Been coming to this blog for few months now. Hard day husband Do8ng Nika tonight with second wife. Hoping it will all work out.

  • Mary Lamb

    December 30, 2015

    @ anabellah

    your the first person in years who totally gets me and my thoughts which I at times attempt to ignore in order to find.a.solution to a problem that never seams solvable.

    thank you. Jazek’Allah… May Allah.bless you and keep you.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Mary Lamb, As Salaamu Alaikum

    When I first became Muslim (took the Shahadah) it seemed I was confronted with all types of problems, one after another. Nonetheless, they were easy for me to deal with. Things always worked out favorably for me, as I placed my faith and trust in Allah. It was weird though.

    Sometimes when reverts first take the Shahadah, they think their lives will instantly improve and all of life will be wonderful. It is not the way it is. Allah tests us for us to see if we really do truly believe. Some reverts lose whatever faith they have when the tests and trial come (Faith does not instantly enter a person’s heart when they take the Shahadah). Some Muslims leave Islam because they can’t manage to deal with the obstacles (they turn back on their heels to disbelief). When the going gets tough, they get to going (flee). They don’t persevere. They aren’t patient. They don’t do what we as Muslim are instructed to do. They give up. They lose all hope. They turn back to unbelief or disbelief.

    I say all of the above to remind you that Allah will test us. He could be testing you with your husband to let you know where you stand in your belief. It’s time for you to turn to Allah and stay strong. Hold onto the rope of Allah that He has given you (Islam – the Holy Quran). Allah says the following:

    “Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: “When (will come) the help of Allah?” Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!”
    Quran: Surah 2, ayah 214

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Mary Lamb,

    Don’t feel like a “loser.” You aren’t one. You have Islam. You have Allah. It is most important. You have a shot at entering Jannah/Paradise. There are many women who accept Islam and get bamboozled by jerks. It happens because women take the Shahadah, read and study all they can about Islam, realize what a beautiful religion it is and think all Muslims are the same.

    Wow, did I get an eye opener. I began to realize that no one lives Islam. Most never, ever read the Quran. Most have no clue what is in it. Most just go with what anyone tells them, and don’t have enough sense to look into thing and investigate. They don’t know that Allah says to investigate, as they don’t read Quran. It’s pathetic. They go with the masses, with what everyone else believes when Allah tells us in the Holy Quran, not to follow the common run of people because they will lead us astray.

    Don’t feel like you are a loser. You simple got caught up with one. You got caught up with a man who says he is Muslim, but apparently live culture, lie and does whatever to get his desires fulfilled.

    I have to run out now, but will be back, Insha Allah

  • Mary Lamb

    December 30, 2015

    I think my only hope/options these days is to attempt the surrendred wife thing from Laura Doyle. her simple sentences work on him. but like I said, I feel like a robot going through the motions.

    I was so close to my first husband. we told each other everything even if it wasn’t in our own favor. and we were best friends. but I wanted a religion he couldnt stomach. that became my focus and leaving this rotten guy just goes to prove my life choices were foolish I think.

  • Mary Lamb

    December 30, 2015

    @ Ana

    I am the second wife and I am his legal wife

  • Mary Lamb

    December 30, 2015

    @ Gail

    He is Pashtun from Pakistan. supposedly born in Dubai (living in the house of his parents I have yet to see his birthcertificate although giveing excuses to see it). I had two kids when we met from previous marriage (b4 Islam- gave up everything 4 Islam and hope in Allah) now I have 2 more kids with him. my first kids are grown (18 & 20) and these are age 1 & 3.

    I was told 1) he ‘tried’ getting first wife to hit the road, but was too much a coward to just divorce her. 2) refused sex with her for three years. 3) promised he would divorce her if I wanted him to…but had sex with her the same day he made that statement (keep in mind he hadn’t seen her for 15 month’s). I know he had sex that night cuz she got pregnant – according to her due date and measurements of fetus 3 – 6 days earlier than his arrival date.

    I never had an issue with her, it’s him and his lies. and like she said to me yesterday it seems no one wants us to be friends, especially him.

    I have never applied for immigration for him.when talking to the embassy in Islamabad I informed them about his scheme and plot so they have him on record. but she said he now has American kids so I no longer would be needed if he wanted to get immigration under current laws.

    basically I just feel like a total looser. I am really sorry about your cancer Gail. May Allah be with you.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Mary Lamb,

    Listen ok If he is getting immigration through u then yeah u can pretty much be assured he married u for immigration.I don’t say this lightly because it really hurts to even think your own husband used u for immigration even when it is staring u right in the face.Listen U don’t have to answer but it would help to know if he is from Pakistani or India.Also listen to me clearly if u have not filed for his greencard u don’t have to.There is no law saying u have to file on his behalf understand?If u have filed and he has not received the card yet u could call and report that u want to withdraw your petition(I don’t know if they will let u but u could try and explain to them what is going on) If it has gone to far and he has a greencard in his hand already then I would need more information to determine if he might eventually leave u.Obviously he is not to invested in u emotionally so all signs are pointing to he used u obviously.
    Also are the kids your husbands or did u have kids from another marriage this is very very important because if your kids r not his then thats a really clear sign that he used u.It like a checklist u can actually walk through to determine if u were used for immigration or not.Some men use the women but keep them like in my case and other times the men get rid of them after awhile and take other wives from back home.Normally they will marry cousins.Hope this helps.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Gail,

    I don’t blame you one bit for not reaching out to your ex-co. It’s on her to care about her children enough to call you, them or their father to see that they are okay. I hear you about keeping your nose in your own business and out of others business. I’m with you on that one. I try to mind my own business and keep my nose clean. I’m at peace that way.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Mary Lamb,

    Your husband does sound very nasty and controlling. I didn’t think of it until Gail mentioned it that he may be with you for the reason of immigration. You answered Gail’s question, but I’m not quite clear of the answer. I know you said you married your husband second. You said he doesn’t have immigration status yet. Are you the legal wife or is she, or are you in a country in which all the wives are considered legal? Your answer would help us determine whether your marriage appears to be one for immigration purposes or not.

    We don’t know what country you are from either. If you are a legal wife and are from a Western country and she is not a legal (registered with the government) wife, he may be with you for citizenship. If so, it would answer why he is so nasty to you. He is not with you for love, which is why he treats you so badly. Based on what you’ve said, his heart seems to be with the other wife.

    It’s more than his disposition that is causing him to act towards you as he does. We know he doesn’t act as he does simply because it is the way he is, as you said he is different with the other wife. He has the capability of being a nice person, but just not with you.

    As Gail stated, you can NOT make him have an interest in you, if he doesn’t. I know you must love the man. It’s easy for us to tell you to leave him. Leaving is not always easy. In fact, it could be the most difficult thing for a woman to do.

    You have to make your INTENT (Allah actually decides) what you want to do. You can’t make him do anything. It’s on you to intend to act or not. You could either continue to live with a man who doesn’t seem to love you and treats you badly or you can make an exit plan to leave the marriage, and move your life forward. What do you intend to do?

  • Mary lamb

    December 29, 2015

    @ Gail

    2nd wife
    OMG! I wanted to ask for something and he just took off. hopped up said play with the kids I gotta go. I wanted to ask for something and while shouting Hey’ helllooooo he shut the door!!!!!!

    as for immigration u hasn’t gotten it – yet. but I’m starting to think likehat was the real plan

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Mary Lamb,

    Sorry u r having such a rotten day!You sound like u r at your wits end with your husband.Are u the first wife or the second wife? Seems to me u are at a crossroads in your life.I am curious did your husband get immigration to marry u?I am only asking because this kinda seems to be an reoccurring theme with wives that are used for immigration.Even i tell u the truth my husband rarely talks to me and i swear he has got to the most boring man as far as I am concerned.I do have hard feelings like i am living my life with someone who is so flipping mind blowing boring!! I don’t know what to say if he has no interest in u he just has no interest.It’s not your fault so don’t beat yourself up about it.I don’t know anything about your situation to comment further.I do feel it is bad u try to talk to him and he shuts u up that is very nasty of him i feel.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    I just seen your post asking about my excowife,No it is like she dropped off the face of the earth.It is so strange and not making alot of sense but i have been dealing all this cancer crap.I rarely ask him about his family anymore simply because I don’t care.Sounds bad I know but after all this cancer crap and stomach problems I just could careless about her anymore.I feel like if she cared she would reach out to me to find out about the kids.I decided not to go hunt her down.G.D knows the truth about this mess and I just left it all on him.I feel completely ok with everything.I just try to keep my nose in my own business these days.lol

  • Mary Lamb

    December 29, 2015

    thisisexactly how I was feeling today. even the fact I choose Islam before I met my husband and my family shunned me a bit, although trying to accept but in reality they cannot. I am so angry with my husband and he disregards my feelings, won’t give me a voice, etc. I asked if he was married, he pretended not to be previously married for the first 6 years of our marriage! lies, lies, lies. then he denies any harsh treatment, bad words against me without cause, and although he ‘sits’ with me I might as well just be a paid servant.we never have discussions or if i try to dream up a topic I am shut down. while all night I hear him having long conversations with the other woman/wife and nicely talking to her, not at her. listening to her. all she does is gossip about others and he’s so involved. I want to discuss business, politics, religion. so I guess I’m boring. I have tried everything. the submissive wife stuff, which works but I become a zombie who has no mind, and even working out my thoughts but I’m told ‘don’t make me mad and ‘your trying to hurt MY family’. how can you say that!? what am I? who am I? I just want to go home…

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank you for refreshing my memory. I kinda thought I hadn’t gotten the facts exactly right. How you handled things was way clever of you. I’m glad everything worked out without having to go through a whole lot of red tape. How you did it wasn’t far from the truth. As you said, he was divorced from her legally.

    Any word about what’s doing with her (your ex-co)?

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    Gail,

    A movie could be made out of Aisha’s story. I don’t know her co wife, nor do I know her husband from Adam, but I do know they sound like some weird, crazy psycho paths. He goes gets himself a second wife, makes her live with him and his first wife, has sex with each wife so the other could hear; first wife always cries like a baby; he runs to comfort her, leaving his second wife feeling like sh!t after he’s just done her (every which way, but up). To top it off, Weirdo first wife walks about half nude in front of second wife (for what????). The cycle continues till second wife can’t take it any longer. He says like it or lump it (leave). She leave. He divorces her and moves on to his next victim. Then the two of them, husband, first wife and second wife begin the vicious cycle all over again. First wife gears up and ready herself for her crying spells. The husband gets ready to get his freak on at the expense of both wive. Although, first wife is a partner in the craziness.

    Anytime a husband so easily, so quickly and without a care divorces a wife, he doesn’t love her. Most husbands will fight tooth and nail for the women they love. It’s how I see it.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2015

    Ana,

    Our daughter/My excowife biological daughter technically was born after my husabdn and my marriage.According to Islam u can’t divorce if a wife is pregnant u have to wait until after.I assume it is islamic and not just a pakistani thing.
    Keep in mind my husband and cowife hid the child from me for the first 3 years of our marriage.I knew my cowife was pregnant but I thought she had remarried(that was what I was told and the child was her 2nd husbands child).OK so the truth comes out when the child is 3.I told my husband how u planning to immigrate this child?He said he don’t know he had not thought about it.I said look the child was born months after we were married Hello it for sure shows u r a polygamist u Dumb @$$(thats the nice version of what I said)lol
    SO I start thinking because over the years I read everything I could get my hands on when it came to USA immigration.Here is what I did….. I knew my husband gave cowife a divorce so legally they were divorced so I knew I was not lying.
    My husband was a Permanent resident not a USA citizen that time so I filed for my daughter a greencard to immigrate her under me instead of my husband.I did this on purpose using the excuse that I was a USA citizen and my husband was not.
    The real reason I filed under myself and not my husband was because I knew if my husband they would ask him straight why this child was born to his first wife after he had done second marriage to me.Sooo I filed under me knowing they had to ask questions about me.They did ask straight why I was filing and not the child’s father but i had instructed my MIL to tell them that I am a USA citizen and the father is not and we want the child in USA fast.We were lucky in the fact that our daughter was born 2 months after we married so it was easy to explain he had divorced 1st wife and married me before 1st wife had given birth.It being USA embassy and USA law that I showed a legal divorce decree my daughter got the immigration visa.
    I was not willing to go to through immigration again for another child when they were so willing to not give a crap! Obviously me explaining that little detail sobered them up real quick! Come the very next day my cowife went for birthcontrol pills.
    That time was a real nail biter for me with my daughter going through immigration.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2015

    Aisha,

    I just read your post to me about u trying to get pregnant.He don’t have the right to stop u from getting pregnant but really think do u want a baby with a man that don’t want that child? He could not have been more clear to u that he don’t want a baby with u.What is the reason to be married to a man that don’t want the same thing u want?Ask yourself why did he marry u? Even if u did get pregnant him or your cowife could harm u it is just to dangerous.Divorce him let your family help u to find another husband and let your potential know u want kids.Do not let your husband freak u out on all men.U want children so marriage is a must for u.Get serious make up your mind 100% if u can deal being a servant to your husband and cowife or u want to divorce and remarry to have children or stay single.JUst get your thoughts together and see everything in truth and don’t believe any of his lies if he comes to u now and says ok u can have a kid or he loves u etc.. Don’t play into his mind games if he tries any of that crap is what I am saying.It will be a trap as u know his true feelings towards u now.Make a plan and stick to it is my advice.Thanks G.D u have a caring and loving family!!

  • Gail

    December 12, 2015

    Aisha,

    I will be honest I think in your situation u have done the right thing.DON”T U DARE beat yourself about not listening about marrying him.U have to live life and learn from your mistakes.U are very young and there is no reason why u will not be able to find a decent man and marry.This man has something seriously wrong with him.I did not like him from the start when u said he divorced 2 wives and was telling u he could divorce u easy as well.He is not mentally all there.Stay with your mom and don’t buy into his crap! Your cowife don’t want any woman in the picture.Hopefully if u divorce him other people will see he has been divorced 3 times and will not be crazy enough to marry their daughters to the NUT JOB!
    I know u love him and it will be hard but dang girl after him telling u it would be easy for him to divorce u just after holiday screw him and your cowife! They don’t deserve you! and if u decide to stay with him then u better make darn sure u get everything u want out of him like separate housing,kids,etc… but understand well u will always be play second fiddle to your cowife in his eyes.
    I forgot u said he has kids with an exwife as well I really find his personality cruel towards u.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2015

    Mari2,

    That is an awesome story about your Granddaughter! how sweet! It is so strange because I LOVEEEEEE the call to prayer and always have.I was introduced to it in Pakistan and I wish we had it here in the states.I don’t care what religion remembering G.D 5 times a day is a great thing!!!
    G.D bless your little Grandbaby!!

  • Gail

    December 12, 2015

    Ummof4,
    Bite your tongue woman! The thought of more children terrifies me to be honest.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, ๐Ÿ™‚

    WOW, what a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing it with us ๐Ÿ™‚ You said, you cried? It just about brought tears to my eyes. A big, huge smile came to my face as I was reading it. How adorable. Your grand-daugther is Muslim, at least for the time being. Everyone is born Muslim. Their parents and others rear them to be something else (although, we know really Allah decided).

    It’s beautiful. How wonderful!!! She must be adorable. I’m happy that your daughter hasn’t tried to intervene, and not let her observe you and your husband offering prayer. It’s very good.

  • Mari2

    December 12, 2015

    Salam to all sisters. I must share this cute story…I have a grand daughter who is 2 and a half years. Very bright. Very sensitive. I love her to bits! I am a revert so my daughter (mom of grand daughter) is not muslim. My daughter has no problem with my turn to Islam and Allah. We are close. The other night I was watching my grand daughter so my daughter could work. It was maghrib and M and I were praying. My granddaughter spontaneously joined the pray with us on her own. I was filled with joy as she joined us and watched M and followed his movements. We have always prayed with her since she was an infant. And when she hears azaan on my phone she exclaims “Allah song!” But this was the first time she she showed initiative to join us on her own. In the past she merely observed. MASHALLAH! I will admit that I cried.

  • Mari2

    December 12, 2015

    @Aisha,
    I shall do dua for your situation. May Allah guide and protect you.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    I was reading in the news that women in Saudi Arabia just got the right to vote.

    Women received the right to vote in the United States in 1920 (95 years ago). I’d say Saudi Arabia is a bit behind the times Women still aren’t allowed to drive sigh. I suppose any progress is better than none.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-35075702

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    Aisha,

    You said your husband divorced two other wives before marrying you. Based on all that you’ve said, I still believe that your husband loves his first wife and any other wife is just for his ego and sexual desire. The other wife, he sees as property. It doesn’t appear he want an additional wife to love her and to improve and enhance her lifestyle. It’s all about him and his first wife. He believes his first wife will stand by him regardless of what. He sees other wives as disposable. It’s why he tosses the words divorce around so freely, as he knows there are more fish in the sea. He knows he most likely will get another wife.

    His first wife doesn’t appear to be a nice person in any sense of the word. She knows her husband; it could become a cycle in which he marries another and his first wife drives the other to leave. It’s crazy. It’s her method of operation. She has to be one miserable sorry soul.

    I don’t think there is any reason whatsoever for you to return to that man. You could do way better than him, with the help and permission of Allah. You’ve got to get yourself together. Stay positive and optimistic. Put your faith and trust in Allah that you can have a better life . Keep it moving forward

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m with ummof4. Don’t give up on marriage. You could remarry and have a very nice, happy, life full of love. There is nothing wrong with divorce. No one has to live in a marriage that she is very unhappy in, in which a spouse is treating her badly. Islam is not anti-divorce.

    As ummof4 stated, it is society – People have come up with all the negativity associated with divorce. Some cultures have made divorce taboo. Many Muslims put culture before Islam. Some Muslim don’t know what Islam is, but mistake culture for Islam. Don’t fall into that trap of thinking you are spoiled goods and not worthy of marriage. Don’t let anyone, nor Satan take you there in that negative thinking. Get your thoughts in line with Islam, not culture (the way people do things that has nothing to do with Islam)

    There are a lot of single and married men looking for wives. Next go around, investigate. Make sure the man has his priorities straight – Allah first in his life. Make sure he wants to be your partner in life, and wants to live life with you as his wife, not as his property. Do all things seeking to please Allah, not please your husband. If you please Allah, your husband will get pleased, if your husband is worthy. It’s not about a husband. It’s about Allah.

  • ummof4

    December 12, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha based on what you have told us, I am glad that you have decided to leave your oppressive situation with your husband and his other wife and return home to your family. It is a blessing to have a family that loves and supports you. And I still believe that having children is important to you or you would not have mentioned it so often. And that’s okay; most men and women want to have children, and no one should even attempt to deny them that right.

    If you get divorced, don’t let that make you not want to get married again. There are righteous Muslim men out there. Next time listen to the advice of others and look out for red flags before the marriage. Also listen to your gut; if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Allah sends us signs for a reason, we just have to notice them and not deny them.

    I assume your family is Muslim. Let them help you in your search for a husband when you are ready to get married again. Being divorced as a Muslim woman is not as bad as it used to be. Both of my daughters are on their second marriages. They had no problem finding new husbands and had several men willing to marry them after they were divorced. There are many Muslim men who have no problem marrying widows and divorcees as the Prophet Muhammad did. The Muslim men who feel that a divorced woman is “haram”, are not following the example of their own Prophet. The men who insist on marrying young virgins only completely forget the history of the early Muslims.
    May Allah keep our feet planted firmly in His Deen.

  • Aisha

    December 12, 2015

    Ana I also have 4 sisters and no one is allowed to come to my house and see me unless I ask permission from both my husband and my co wife.. He barely allows me to come to stay at my mums house.. I cover from head to toe including my hands I wear abayah and niqab I wear this with my own choice yet he still does not trust me to go out.. He still demands pictures of my eyes to see if I am wearing eye makeup to ‘attract attention from men’ on the odd occasion he does let me go out.. He is a complete and utter control freak.. I dress up for him everyday I beautify myself every single day without fail for him but he has never complimented me.. I could go on and on.. But I’ve been holding on hoping he will eventually change and his heart will soften towards me but sadly I’m waiting for that which will never happen.. Him and his wife deserve one another.

  • Aisha

    December 12, 2015

    Jazakillahu Khyran sister Tasliyman you’re right.. I have my lord to talk to Alhamdulilah.. X

  • Aisha

    December 12, 2015

    Ummof4.. I told him I will seek advise from a scholer regarding the issue of him not wanting children with me and he told me to go ahead and if I wanted a divorce he will more than happily give it to me.. But my reason for divorce isn’t even about the children it’s the way he has been treating me. Everyone warned me againts him but I was too blind to see the truth I was so naive..

    Ana he has previously divorced two wives and they both have children with him sister asiya this is a lucky escape for me Alhamdulilah.. His wife is so sly it’s scary.. After putting up with her crazy behaviour her abusive language and not saying a word back to her today is the day I walk away. Alhamdulilah my family are SO supportive they have welcomed me back with open arms.. If anything this has made me stronger this has a been a huge lesson for me.. Sadly I don’t think I will ever be considering marriage I feel so broken I put 100% into this marriage I know I did all I could to make this work.. I gave up my life for him.. Sisters please be extremely careful when you are trying to please your husband do not get ‘obidendence’ mixed up with ‘abuse’ sadly I failed to recognise it.

  • Tasliyman

    December 12, 2015

    Aslm

    Sister Aisha, may Allah grant you ease In-sha Allah. Ameen.

    I cannot see how anyone could live that life (without going crazy) if there’s no prospects of change happening any time soon.

    But Allah knows best. Turn to Allah for guidance in this very difficult time and you will surely find the answers you need.

    For me the best way to find peace in my troubled heart is to make duah when in sujood during praying. You dont even have to say anything specific because Alah knows what is in your heart and what your intentions are. Best place to just “cry your heart out”.

    I hope your situation change for the better soon In-sha Allah. Whatever the change may be.

    I know how lonely it can be if you cant talk to friends or family about your marital problems. Hopefully it helps “talking” to us here.

    Stay strong and do what is best for you. Not what is expected of you.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    @Heather, Hi there ๐Ÿ™‚

    Welcome to your new blog family. It’s good to have you here with us. I’m so glad you’ve found us and the blog is helpful to you.

    Don’t hesitate to ask any questions that come to mind. We will try to answer as best we can. We would love for you to share your story with us. Share whatever you are comfortable in talking with us about.

    You sound to be a very vibrate, joyful, nice person, and are welcome here. I’d love to hear more from you. I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2015

    Aisha,

    I re-read your post and it was interesting that your husband won’t allow you to do much of anything – go any place and have your own home. You are only 22 years old. No woman any age wants her freedom taken from her. Allah says oppression is worse than slaughter. So, are you to sit in the home day in and day out and watch him and her go at it (being loving to each other and hearing them be intimate)? What kind of life is it for you? It is enough to make anyone go stir crazy. Some people have a very difficult time leaving a bad marriage. They have children or no place to go. You have a mum and you have no children. Granted, I’m sure you love your husband. Is love enough to endure the treatment you’ve been subjected to?

    There is much more to life than it. We’re not supposed to make this life our Paradise, but we are supposed to live a good wholesome life while on this planet despite what some Muslim may say. Some Muslims give the impression that Muslims aren’t supposed to enjoy any part of this life. It’s not so. Where a good number of Muslim live in the State that I live in, the Muslim men have their wives dressed in a black niqab (I guess it called) and a pair of sneakers. It’s so they don’t have to spend money on their wives for clothes. The wives probably have two or three of those black garments and wear the sneakers till they wear out. They are told they shouldn’t want anything in this world, but the bear necessities. It’s sad because it’s an untruth.

    Allah says, “But seek, with the (wealth) which Allah has bestowed on thee, the Home of the Hereafter, nor forget thy portion in this world: but do thou good, as Allah has been good to thee, and seek not (occasions for) mischief in the land: for Allah loves not those who do mischief.” Quran: Surah 28, Ayah 77

    There is an ayah that is not at my fingertips right now. Allah says that the best in this world is for the believers and solely for believers in the Hereafter. Insha Allah, when I locate the ayah, I’ll post it.

    I say all of this to say we don’t have to give up the good in this world to have good in the Hereafter. We, however, have to be BELIEVERS. Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran the qualities and attributes of a believe.

  • ummof4

    December 11, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, please continue to ask Allah for strength and guidance. According to what you have written, your husband is not consistent in his behavior. He has children by his first wife, but does not want to have any with you. It seems that is your greatest problem-you want to have children and your husband does not. He also wants you to help his other wife with her children. Does he view you as a maid with benefits or a wife? If you truly want to have children like most young women at 22 and he does not, the solution is clear to me.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • asiya

    December 11, 2015

    Salam alaykum
    @ aisha I really feel for you
    I’dk how you put up with all of that I know I couldn’t and I’m around ur age u are a strong woman!!

    If you are truly getting a divorse
    Feel lucky yu haven’t had kids yet when they are there everything becomes alot more complicated

    I know in today’s society divorced women are looked down upon but don’t make urself believe the stereotypical thinking society says because if Allah wants you to find a husband and I pray yu find a better one than ur current husband you will ! I wish you good luck and all the best

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2015

    @Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Everything will be okay. It’s good you’re at your moms to give you some time to calm down and think rationally. Alhumdulliah. I really feel for you. I could imagine how awful it is to not be able to go any where, to listen to a co have sex with your and her husband, to be threatened with divorce whenever you ask for some consideration, etc. I suppose you feel more like a 90 year old. My mom is 79 and has a more energetic, active, fun-filled life than you do. Just because a Muslim is supposed to be modest doesn’t mean she has to be a walking living dead. The topping on the cake is that he said you can’t have children with him.

    If I understand correctly, he already divorced another wife, prior to marrying you. He apparently doesn’t see wives as equal. If he is so into his first wife, that he abuses and neglect other wives, he needs to remain monogamous. He is not a nice person. I don’t think any man is who subject a wife to the torment of making his other wife listen to him have sex with his other/her co-wife. It is cruel.

    You have to do what you are inspired to do. Allah has already determined what it will be. You have to seek Allah’s help and guidance. What do you intend. Make your intention and take it from there. The writing is on the wall, so to speak. You know what you are dealing with when it comes to your husband and the co. You walk away from the marriage or go back there. Know that if you go back you shouldn’t expect anything to be different. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. You’re only 22 years old. Stay in that sorry marriage and you could expect to look like an old ugly hag before your time. It’s about all that I could say. Life is too short to live in misery. Allah knows best what your fate will be. There is not much more I could say about it. I will make duah for you.

  • Aisha

    December 11, 2015

    I cannot do this anymore.. The control the mind games the emotional abuse the lies the slandering I cannot do it Ana. I have done everything to make this marriage work and I have failed I give up. Nothing I do is every good enough. I came to my mums house today to give him and the co wife some time alone as me and him just came back from holiday.. I received a text message from him to say how I’ve been saying x,y and z to my co wife.. Basically they are both there backbiting me and she is causing problems for me for absolute no reason. I’m not allowed to have any friends or allowed to speak about my marriage problems with my family and as you know he has hacked my phone. I have to put up with his sycotic wife and listening to them have sex every other night watching her dress half naked watch them hold on another it kills me yet I am not allowed me ask for another house if I do I will just get divorced. I am not allowed to leave the house even to the corner shop. I’m not allowed to drive yet my co is. I’m sick and tired of pleasing a man who doesn’t know the meaning of being content I am 22 years old and I feel like I’m 65 I am so tired I have no energy left. This man has broke me to pieces I am done. Alhamdulilah ala kulli haal. My reward is with Allah swt.. I thank every single one of you ladies that has shown me support I truly appreciate it all and I remember all you sisters in my duas.. May Allah swt ease our affairs grant us the best of both worlds and allow us to enter into the highest rank of jannah. Ameen ya rabb xxxxxxxx

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2015

    WHAT? ??

  • Aisha

    December 11, 2015

    Guys I have decided to leave my husband.. Please remember me in your duas X

  • Tasliyman

    December 11, 2015

    Asiya and ummof4

    Thank you for the welcome.
    I appreciate all the advice.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2015

    Hearing one’s husband and a co making love, has got to be “NASTY”. Not only it, it’s borderline porn and perversion. The other wife could hear it and want some herself, but has to lay there cry, get upset or gets herself off. The wife getting it on, probably has a good time making sure the other wife hears it. The husband probably gets excited knowing he’s doing one while the other hears it. Threesomes could develop from it etc…

  • ummof4

    December 11, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hwllo to all,

    Tasliyman, welcome to the blog. You are now my newest little sister. I am the senior member of this blog family and have been married for 40 years, some monogamous, some polygynous. Marriage is a roller coaster ride, regardless of how many wives a husband has. With true belief in Allah and a true willingness to obey Him, the ride is not so bad. Stay with us and join in the fun.

    Gail, you better be careful. My last pregnancy was at 44, although I had a miscarriage. Remember if you play, you pay!

    Allahu Akbar! (Allah is the Greatest)

  • ummof4

    December 11, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    Blue, I don’t believe I have welcomed you to the blog, so welcome. You are correct, Prophet Muhammad did not have all of his wives in the same home. Those of you already on the blog know how I feel about this issue- in my opinion a husband who does this is either unable to afford two separate residences, too cheap to provide them, or just loves having all of his women around him all the time. Husbands say that they’re doing it for the children and because they love their wives so much they can’t be without them, but if you are having sex with one wife while the other can hear, that’s just nasty.

    Blue I believe you should insist on a separate residence. I don’t know if this is your only issue, but it’s a huge one, especially since you said this has been going on for 10 years and he promised you your own residence when you were first married.

    May Allah help us all to have a blessed Jum’uah.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2015

    Aisha,

    If you had already made your intentions not to have a baby for a few years, I don’t think you should begin trying now to have one when your husband has let you know his intention is not to have any more children -EVER. First, it would be deceitful if you don’t tell him that you are trying, and you get pregnant. I don’t think he’d take lightly to it. If you get pregnant and lie to him saying, it just happened, how would you live with yourself and the lie? I doubt he’d believe you. He’d think you trapped or tricked him.

    As you said, there is no guarantee that he won’t leave you and the baby. A baby doesn’t necessarily secure a marriage. He still could leave you and the baby. It’s been known to happen. I could especially see him leaving, if he never wanted anymore, and was suddenly burdened with one. Who knows, if it happens, he may be elated. It’s all a guessing game, as no one knows the future, but Allah.

    I think the best policy is honesty with yourself and with your husband. Do you want to stay married to a man who has clearly let you know he does not want any children with you now or ever, while you want children? Is it a deal breaker? You said you want to wait a few years for a child. Well, a few years isn’t in your husbands plans for the future. How do you purport to pull it off? You wait a few years; you’ll be older then. You begin to badger him for a child. He still says know, then what? You leave or just be childless? He may be ready for one at that time. Allah knows best.

    Regardless, if you are strong in your intent for a child, you need to let him know that you won’t prevent it from happening. Be prepared for it to go either way. He accepts it or divorces you. Women need to stand up for what they have a strong belief in when it’s not in opposition to Islam. Wanting to have a child is a normal thing for most women. It’s one thing for you both to consult and agree not to have a baby. It’s another when there is no meeting of the mind. It’s something that one would think would be discussed before the man and woman agree to the marriage. It’s a major issue.

  • Aisha

    December 11, 2015

    Gail do you think I should start trying for a baby? I was thinking maybe in a few years bcus I can’t even guarantee he won’t leave me even with a child.. I totally agree with you when the co gives birth he will obviously want to be more intimate with me with the hope of me not getting pregnant.

  • asiya

    December 11, 2015

    Salmualaykum
    @ tasliyman
    Dear sister what you are going through is rough and you are DEFINANTLY not alone trust me so many people around the world even in the place you wouldn’t think are going through what u are..

    I found out a year ago and boy it’s been a ride u have known this blog for about a year

    I can’t stress enough to not make my mistakes and try to be as strong and as positive as you can

    I wish I listened to alot of the advice given on this blog but I wasn’t strong enough and the shaytan ate me up for a while but alhumdulila I have gotten rid of him and have successfully fixed myself and made my life right

    It will be hard and ur situation in polygamy will be different to others but we all have similarity that we can relate to

    Trust in Allah and you will get through this

    I never imagined this to be how my life would turn out but I notice how Allah has a plan and he wouldn’t do anything bad to hurt his servants because he knows what is best for us

    He will test you for this
    And the devil will try to have a go at you expecially those who are very faithful to Allah he will try to destroy that

    And never forget how besutiful you are And that Allah designed and created yu perfectly and there is no one like you so no matter what yu can not be compared to anyone even ur Cowife

    Only Allah will compare yu on the day of judgment to do with ur faith and religion

    Don’t do for the people what makes them happy and makes Allah unhappy do for Allah thay makes him happy and who cares what people think

    Take care of urself we are here for yu

  • Tasliyman

    December 11, 2015

    Ana

    Thank you for supportive words. It means so much.

    I’ve had a difficult few days walking around with all this hurt. That is actually how I came across this blog. I was hoping to find posts of someone in a similar situation and advice.

    Reading through the old posts that is relevant to me has given me the answers on what I have to do to deal with my issues. Now I just have to find the strength to change my ways of thinking and then doing. That’s quite a challenge.

    This blog has made me realised that there are A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE in the same situation. I used to think I’m being punished….. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. You can just imagine how different my life turned out than what I always imagined.

    Anyway, enough moping. I’m better off than I was two days ago (thanks to this blog). I now know what I have to do. There’s actually hope to make this work……

    Positive thoughts only, do not let negative thoughts take over….

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2015

    Tasliyman,

    I forgot to mentioned something with regard to what you said. You stated, “I must say that seeking closeness to Allah, especially through reading the Quran, has helped me a lot when feeling lonely. But there are still times when I fail and allow all the negative and depressing thoughts to overwhelm me.”

    You’re not alone in failing and allowing all negative and depressing thoughts to overwhelm you. It happens from time to time to all of us. No one is home free. No one masters it to the point it never happens. When it happens – thoughts from Satan assails our minds, Allah says seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. It will be an ongoing battle for the rest of our lives. It gets easier and his assaults become less frequent, the more we REMEMBER ALLAH. We have to ask Allah to let us remember Him.

    Many times what happens is we try to do something, and get upset with ourselves when we don’t accomplish our goal. We can’t accomplish our goals without asking Allah to let it happen. Allah makes things happen. We don’t. Now, you may say unbelievers get things they want without asking Allah. It’s true. Allah has His reasons for giving them what they want and ask for. The reason isn’t always for their good.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Overall, though, I think it should be up to the husband and the individual wife when it comes to making intentions to have children. The other wife shouldn’t have anything to do with it. Now, if she’s expected to be a caregiver the child, she should input. It’s one thing to help out and raise children together. It’s another to be made the nanny when you didn’t sign on for it. No one wants to be Cinderella – before she married the Prince.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Gail,

    I could only imagine that it is HUGE for a wife to adjust to a co-wife having a child by the husband. I guess it would be enough to give a wife a nervous breakdown. Wives are doing it and handling it though. We hear it on the blog. It’s really difficult for them. I admire them for managing it and getting through it. One has to do what one has to do. She has to deal the cards she was dealt.

    With you it is different in that he had the children before you realized he was still married to her. You thought they were divorced. I could see how it was slightly easier that way. Everything worked out well in that you and your husband didn’t have to be here with some of the children with her in Pakistan with another. As you stated, how would you have explained that one to immigration if you were to try to bring the child to the States. sigh

  • Gail

    December 10, 2015

    Ana,

    This happens alot in marriages and I would have never believed it had I lived through this myself.
    In my case my excowife she was fine to get pregnant until i told her I would not be stepping up to raise/immigrate anymore kids.I flat told my husband as well that I would like to see him explain to USA Embassy if he was to try to immigrate another child still married to me with USA Embassy without them not figuring out u have two wives.I told him straight go ahead be my guest FLUCKER!!!LOL
    I am a very straight forward shooting person and I was having none of it.
    I could imagine other wives not wanting their husband to have kids with another wife simply out of jealousy.It could make a wife mental to be frank.
    I am so thankful he didn’t get her pregnant because I stand by my word I would not have raised another one.
    Just remembering back to that time brings up some strong emotions in me just writing this post.I remember everything crystal clear.

  • Gail

    December 10, 2015

    Ana,

    Yeah I know for a fact a husband and his favorite wife will leave kids and go out to eat and do things together and the other wife is left to babysit.This happened in my Polygamous marriage more times than I can say.My husband would tell me to get dressed and I would ask is kids and cowife going and more times than not he would say no leave them and of we would go.I would say we need to take cowife and kids for icecream or let her go with us sometimes and he would say ok and we would take her sometimes to get icecream.
    I also know it happens with getting pregnant as well.My husband and cowife were not using protection and I told him flat Hey what if she gets pregnant?He said he don’t care and man I got soooo pissed off and flat told them both if they thought for one second they r not going to use protection and she comes up pregnant they better not look at me to take the baby.The baby will stay in Pakistan and I am not going to immigrate the baby and she is going to take care of it.Needless to say the next day she went and got birthcontrol pills.Now mind u I am raising my cowife two kids so I feel like I had a huge say in if she was going to get pregnant or not and I voted Hell NO!! Now mind u had she spoke up and said she would raise the next baby I would have said ok but I would not have been happy about it.I just didn’t want more children and she seemed to not want to raise anymore at least at that time.
    Now mind u I am not against any cowife having babies at all I am just against one wife doing the birthing and passing the children off to the other wife like a servant.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Gail,

    I’ve been watching this show on TV about couples who get married on a “90 Day Finance Visa”. It’s the name of the show. This one guy is 58 years old. He married a 20 year old Philippine woman whose dad is 48. He made her sign a pre-nupt and on top it told her that she is not allowed to have children with him because he has raised his children (he is a divorcee) and that stage of his life is over. Well, how about his new wife? How, selfish and self-serving can anyone be? It’s shameful. Of course, she agreed to the conditions. She wants to stay in the US. She said she doesn’t want to go back to the Philippines. One of his daughters is just a couple years older than the Philippine wife. Then the A – hole went and bought the new Philippine baby wife the exact same car that his ex-wife had when he was married to her. Furthermore, he kept talking to the new baby wife about his ex-wife who was also Philippine. It’s totally unbelievable. It freaked me out. I think he’s got his hands full though – wait till she begins mixing up with guys her own age. It will be like a “Lolita” LOL

  • Gail

    December 10, 2015

    Blue,

    I read part of what Ana wrote to u and I am sorry u r going through so much crap! For the life of me I don’t know why older men mix up with young women when they don’t want anymore children knowing and not giving a damn about the woman’s feelings.This cruel and I would even say sinful to be frank.I do not believe a husband or wife for that matter has the right to do such a nasty thing.
    I will say this if u want children and he is not willing to give u and flat told u that u can divorce then he has left u no option.Most woman desire children it is normal and the most beautiful part of life.The joy my children have given me is well there are no words to express.Never deny yourself something so amazing just because u got an A hole for a husband is my advice!!ANd that goes the same for Aisha!!

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think you are correct when you said to Aisha that she may end up being her co-wife’s personal servant. I didn’t think of it but it makes perfect sense. Aisha already is left caring for that terrible twos (2 year old). I ain’t never had no children, but I know about a two year old. Then when she has her new up and coming out baby, Aisha has got to be a maid to it, too. Not only it, I’ve heard of women marrying second only to care for the first wife’s children while the husband and the wife who married first act like newlywed, going out to dinner and movies while the other wife babysits. This is real. I’m not making this sh!t up. It’s real life stories. Now, he’s done told Aisha that he won’t give her children, but will not hesitate to have her raise co-wife’s children because co0wife is tiiiiiired. She birth those babies, she better care for them is the way I see it being in Aisha’s shoes when the man has p!ssed on Aisha’s dreams. ๐Ÿ™ As I said, she (Aisha) has got a tough road ahead of her with this one.

  • Gail

    December 10, 2015

    baseema,

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
    I am soon to be 45 and I am not interested in having anymore children.I know children r a blessing but I am done with that part of my life.I have 4 and that is more than enough for me.

    Aisha,

    Ana is right on in the fact that the first wife and hubby have made a pact not to get u pregnant.It is part of her jealous towards u.I hate to say this but she may see herself as his “Real wife” and u as his “whore” Obviously u r not but wives can become bitter,jealous.controlling,loathing,backbiting,backstabbing,etc,….U get the point.This is an easy fix if u want to fix this but it will be a fight more than likely.If I were u I would tell him straight u were brought up to believe sex is for making making babies and if he don’t want babies then no sex and not just with u but with cowife as well.I would flat tell him straight and right in front of little Miss Cowife so she understood loud and clear as well.
    Obvious she is not going to do it BUT our leverage is she is fixing to give birth and he is not going to get sex for what 6 weeks? Do it now call his bluff and don’t give him any sex.Beat your cowife at her own game and when he comes around to give in(he is a man he will) u tell him straight before u do sex with him he better not pull out and he better learn to be fair.
    Thats how I would handle this situation.There is no way I would give him sex until he told me sorry for disrespecting me that way and I would never give him sex again until he changed his ways.
    Girl listen up clear your cowife is screwing with your life and u are going to have to get a backbone and be smarter than her understand otherwise they are going to use u as her personal servant and u r going to let them.Be smart she is about to deliver this is your perfect chance to stand up to him knowing he can’t go to her for sex.Hope this helps.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    @Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

    I am so happy you found this site, and have joined us. It’s good to have you here. Thank you for taking the time to let us know the blog is helpful to you. We are here for all wives – be it the one who married 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or is not married at all. This blog is for all with a positive interest in polygamy or want to live a lifestyle that Allah permits for us. Men are permitted to have more than one wife, which means there will be women who marry them. It’s all good.

    You don’t know how happy I am when I hear a commentator says she or he has been reading the Quran. The Quran is our road map and constitution for life. The meaning of life is in it. It’s the word of Allah and it is all that we need. It contains a wealth of knowledge. It our guide to take us to Paradise. Alhumdulliah.

    If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. If you just want to chat or vent, we’re here for it, as well.

  • baseema

    December 10, 2015

    Aisha, I read your post wrong at first! LOL It said “Gail she is due next month” and I was like, Gail is due next month????? I had to reread that one!

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    @Blue,

    I’m concerned for you in that you are very young, and have an older husband who is not fulfilling your needs. You asked him for a home of your own, which you are not wrong in doing. No woman wants to hear her husband making love to his other wife/wives. It goes against what Islam stands for. You said you have a high libido. Of course you would have a high libido, if you are very young.

    You have spent ten years with your husband. You know him. He is not likely to change his disposition. Why not have a husband who you could enjoy, have fun with, go places with, do things together, and see the world? I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to be stuck in the home with him and his other wives, unable to go places and do things and he is not attentive to you. It sounds that it may be a good idea for you to prepare to leave your husband – divorce him. It’s good that you are putting money aside. Keep praying to Allah for guidance and help. He will help you. Make your intentions as to how you want to proceed. The outcome will only be whatever Allah has decided for you. Allah commands us to seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer.

    I suggest that you contact your family or friends and let them know that you possibly will leave your husband. See if they are willing to assist you. Try to not leave emails, texts or this blog page out there for your husband or your co-wives to see. Proceed with caution.

    You asked if you could seek another husband now while still married. I’d say, no. You don’t know if Allah will have you and your husband divorce or not. If not, you’d be mixing up with other men, thinking you’ll leave your husband, but maybe you won’t. It’s going down a dangerous road. Furthermore, you’ll need a wali. How would you pull that one off while being married? You’re fortunate because your husband has already said he will grant you a divorce, if you want your own home. It’s good that he may not oppose it. If he is so willing to let you go, then maybe you should.

    I doubt you’d have any problem finding another husband. You are young, articulate and probably very pretty. You’re reading Quran, learning, and trying to do all the right things. There is a strong possibility you could end up in a monogamous marriage. As you said, you’re not against polygamy. You’d probably do good in another polygamous marriage, as well, given a younger, energetic, loving and kind husband.

    Aisha’s situation is a bit different than yours. She is just recently married. He gives her plenty of sex from what I can gather. She and he just returned from a holiday. She has fun with her husband.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    @Blue, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was wondering what happened to you when you hadn’t returned. I’m glad you’re back with us ๐Ÿ™‚

    Your post was heartbreaking. It saddens me that you are going through so much. I was happy to hear that you have been reading the Quran, and you don’t associate the Quran with any other books. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. You should be so happy that Allah apparently has favored you with light to be able to see the truth. So many Muslims can’t see it. Allah swt sent his last Prophet, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) with the revelation – the Holy Quran. When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth, he left the Quran for us – the word of God – the Lord and Cheerisher of the worlds – the Creator of the Universe. Allah didn’t tell anyone to go put together any books when He gave us the only Book that we need that is complete and replete, that leaves out nothing big or small, that has all that anyone needs, the same message that was sent to all of His Prophets. You’re on the right path, Blue.

    Blue, don’t beat up on yourself. We all live life and learn it. No one has it all right. Only Allah is Absolute. What’s important is that we learn before it’s too late. We should always be in a state of learning. We will never know all there is in the Holy Quran. Allah says something to the effect that if all the oceans were ink and all the trees were pens, His knowledge would not be exhausted.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Insha Allah, I’ll respond to all once I get home. I got some replies in while on the road and on my phone.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Aisha, not every woman. Not me. I’m not like other women though.

    Still, when Allah wants you to have a baby no birth control, no Husband not wanting a baby or anything else is going to stop it. No one can stop Allah’s show.

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2015

    Blue it’s really not fair at all.. I find it really difficult to understand why they fail to mention this before marraige.. I haven’t kicked up a fuss about it just yet as I wouldn’t want to have children just yet I’m still young myself and I haven’t been married long so I plan to wait for a few years insha’Allah but of course I want children every woman dreams about becoming a mother..

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I agree with Blue. I think your husband is wrong in not wanting to have children with you. He is being very selfish to not want you to have children with him. Most women want to be married and have children. It is their dream. It is part of life and what people do. I’m a bit suspicious that the first wife may have asked him not to have children with you. I may be wrong, but it’s the gut feeling that I get. I think you will have a tough road ahead, in trying to persuade him to change his mind, and let him see the wrong in his decision. You will have to express your concerns and articulate them to him so that he may understand. Most of all you must turn to Allah and ask Him for His help in the matter.

  • Tasliyman

    December 10, 2015

    Aslm

    I’ve come across this site for the first time today. I cant even begin to express how relieved I am. I have been married for 5 years now (I am the second wife).

    In all this time I have had nobody to openly speak to about the challenges I’ve faced. I’ve read through so many of the old posts and have found advice for so many of the issues I am faced with. I have felt so alone on so many occasions over the last five years and finally found a place where I can interact with people who will understand my situation(and will not judge me).

    I must say that seeking closeness to Allah, especially through reading the Quran, has helped me a lot when feeling lonely. But there are still times when I fail and allow all the negative and depressing thoughts to overwhelm me.

    I’m so grateful that I now have a place to turn to when I need some support.

  • Blue

    December 10, 2015

    Aisha

    I don’t think that is fair to you. You have a right to birth children of your own. I don’t think it’s right for ur husband to make that decision for u. I know you need his little swimmers to make it happen but his decision doesn’t override yours. You two are married y’all should make decisions as one. Don’t fall into his trap. My husband has children from previous marriage and his now first wife. Before I married I told him I always wanted a lot of children and he was like as many as u want. So I had my first and he was not trying to let me have another. I begged for years threw tantrums after going insane and he finally agreed to my second baby. I still want more kids. I hate how the decision is in their hands. If they don’t want anymore babies they’ll just “pull out” boils my blood. Don’t give in. Fight for ur rights or u will resent him and regret it in the future

  • Blue

    December 10, 2015

    Salaamualaikum everyone,

    Sis ana so sorry for just getting back. I read all your comments in response to my inquiry and it saddens me just now realising after damn near ten years duhh Our Prophet did not have all his wives living together and you are so right it’s not our way. It’s complete selfishness on the mans part and I guess mines for not knowing my rights as a wife. I’m married to an Imam. He can be a gentleman sometimes but mostly he’s controlling. I can’t leave the house without a valid explanation I.e doctors appointment or picking my kids up from school. I agree 100% we should depend solely on the Quran and not other books written by who knows who that tells us our husband is our Janna. No he is not. Allah is our Janna. Before marriage he made so many promises and I trusted him which was wrong and stupid on my part I need not trust man only Allah. I made a lot of stupid life decisions and it’s because I apparently did not understand and read Quran from cover to cover in English but instead following books written by strangers I thought I was doing good I’m so lost and depressed everyday. So much has gone down living in one home. I know when they’re getting it on co wife knows when I’m getting it on. My husband tries making us codices do stuff together and be friendly and if we or I resist he neglects me or calls me petty and it turns into a huge argument. There has been many times I no longer wanted to breathe. The only thing that has kept me afloat is my kids and leaving them in someone else’s care. Husband is an older man but I want to know if it’s a bad thing if I look into potential husbands while being married? I’m preparing myself to leave this situation. I have abused myself by excepting so much and this situation has changed me for the worst. I personally do not have a problem with polygamy. It’s living in one home. Is it too much to ask for to have my own home. This situation was supposed to be temporary but it turned into almost a decade every time I brought up having my own home there was excuse after excuse. He has the money he’s very cheap with it. The last time I asked he threatened to divorce and it hit me I married so young so I didn’t get a chance to attend college. So I will have nothing I no longer want to depend on a man. I have money saved up so I can take my kids and leave and create a better life for us. One where I’m not crying myself to sleep every night bc my co acts like Ayesha every time it’s my time to sleep with hubby she fakes sick or tells her kids to fake toothaches, bone abnormality u name it so I gave up fighting for the man and it has done no good due to my high libido lol. Then I read your comment to Ayesha about not listening to the whispers from shaytan and the grass is not always greener on the other side. Should I endure this massive pain. I have swept so much under the carpet in holding in so much pain and resentment the smallest thing now ticks me off. I’m always angry I have lost complete sight of what’s important how do I find myself again. I write to you in tears and from the very bottom of my heart. Please help me

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2015

    Awwww I really appreciate the advice Ana.. You’re right I need to focus on the good and block out all the negative..

    Gail she is due next month I really am excited I also loveeee babies.. However I am kinda dreading it too I know my husband will expect me to look after the first child who is nearly 2 and a total pain in the backside and also having a new born will mean the co will need him more so I guess I’ll just need to be mature about the situation..

    I also have something else that is playing on my mind.. Whilst we were on holiday my husband mentioned how he doesn’t want to have any more kids and I said but we don’t have any children together etc and he was like yeah that’s fine.. He was actually serious I asked him for his reasons and he said because of the times we live in today it’s too dangerous to bring up children especially in the society we live in bla bla bla.. Truth is I know he is actually being serious he won’t want to have children with me I’m not sure I’m too happy I’ve always wanted children and i don’t want to live my life looking after my co’s children even tho I love them they are not my children..

  • Gail

    December 9, 2015

    Aisha,

    Ana gave u awesome advice! I am happy to hear u had a wonderful vacation with your husband.U both really needed it.Now it is time to come back to reality.How far along in your cowife?Are u excited about having a new baby in the home?I think that will be so much fun.I love babies.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s so good to hear that you and your husband had an “amazing” holiday. I am soooo happy for you. It’s always good to get away from the familiar monotonous everyday and venture off with your husband – just the two of you. You didn’t have to worry about her crying like a baby and him going to console her. How awesome was that?

    Having gone on the vacation should give you something to look forward to doing again, Insha Allah. Don’t let Satan mess with you, and have you thinking negatively of your situation (polygamy). Don’t listen to Satan when he tells you things would be so much nicer, if you weren’t in a polygamous marriage. Your life is as Allah has written it. Allah knows what is best for us. Don’t let Satan cause you to be ungrateful. Continue to be thankful for the lovely time Allah gave you with your husband. Allah says when we are grateful He will give us more.

    Welcome back, Sis

  • Aisha

    December 9, 2015

    Assalaam’Alaikum guys hope everyone is well insha’Allah.. Haven’t posted in a while.. I just got back from holiday with my husband Alhamdulilah we had such an amazing time.. It was the first time we spent time together alone since we’ve been married.. We only went for a week but it was sooo nice.. Today is the first night we’ve got back so he is spending it with the co and honestly i really miss him so much.. The time we spent together I felt like his only wife and I honestly loved every moment.. I was being myself for the first time in 5 months! I do feel really lonely tonight SubhanAllah.. I keep thinking if I was an only wife I could feel like that all the time not just on holiday.. I don’t want to feel negative about being his 2nd wife.. This post has really helped.. Thanks Ana.. May Allah swt reward you X

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    Mari2

  • Mari2

    December 5, 2015

    Nice post. Good reminder.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    Spirited,

    You’re so right. Remembering to remember Allah during the hustle and bustle of daily life doesn’t always come easy. It’s easy to get wrap up in what one is doing. One has to remember to remember Allah. It takes effort. In time it gets easier.

    “True, there is for thee by day prolonged occupation with ordinary duties:” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 7

    “But keep in remembrance the name of thy Lord and devote thyself to Him whole-heartedly.” Quran: Surah 73, Ayah 8

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    Yep, I thought this was a post we could all relate to, and can never read about too often. It’s a good reminder. Alhumdulliah!

    My heart goes out to all the ladies who have experienced a polygamous marriage, struggled through it and have come out stronger as a result of it. There is a lot of good that comes from having lived such a lifestyle for those who can see.

  • Alison

    December 5, 2015

    Mashaallah an amazing reminder

  • Spirited

    December 5, 2015

    It’s a nice, short post Ana.

    I was abandoned by the excuse of a human that I was married to, but Allah was always there. Sometimes it’s hard to remember He is always nearby in the hustle of daily life

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    I changed the picture that was on the post/thread. The other one looked like a stoning – not a good look.