Are Women Who Are In Polygamous Marriages Good People

are women in polygamous marriages good peopleLet me tell you why I’ve asked the question: Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people? In most talk about polygamous marriages, most portray the wives (especially the wives who married first) as “good” and  depict the men as “bad”. The husband is usually viewed as the unjust one who causes his wives much misery, heartbreak and pain.

It leads me to another question, which is, What makes a woman a “good” person? From a worldly view, she might be described as a woman who takes good care of her husband and her children. For instance, maybe she keeps a clean house and take care of daily chores, runs errands and the like.

From an Islamic perspective, a good woman is one who is a “believer”.  Allah lets us know throughout the Quran what the makeup of a believer is. Anything a man or a woman does while not conscious of Allah is useless. If what they do isn’t to seek Allah’s good pleasure, it amounts to nothing. It doesn’t count as a good deed. It’s like a mirage.

Many people on the Day of Judgement are going to get a rude awakening. It’s because they thought that they had accumulated good deeds while on this planet. However, they didn’t and, as a result; they will enter the Hell Fire. Allah says that the Hell Fire waits in ambush for the unbelievers.

To answer the question: Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people, the answer is, no.

I’m sure there are some women who find themselves in polygamous marriages who don’t offer the five daily (salat) prayers, don’t fast The Holy Month of Ramadan, don’t read Quran to know what’s in it, don’t eat halal foods, and don’t give in charity regularly, etc. Basically, they do nothing to worship Allah other than to believe that there is a god who is Allah. Furthermore, they believe that He has a Messenger who is the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They do near nothing as far as worshiping and serving Allah.

However, the woman wakes up one day only to find that she is now in a polygamous marriage. Then she tries to figure out what to do. She wants to know how to cope and deal with the anguish and pain that she has now, which seemingly stems from the marriage.

People here at polygamy 411 advises her to turn to Allah. Perhaps she does. However, she expects instant relief from Allah while all along she hardly did anything to obey Him and to worship Him. She hasn’t done what He says to do, nor does she believe as He instructs us to believe.

So, think carefully before answering the question: Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people

When we hear of a woman who suffers adversity in a polygamous marriage, we shouldn’t blame the husband. Rather, keep in mind that we all get exactly what we deserve in this life, as well as in the Hereafter. Allah is a Just God.

As for polygamy, maybe it’s a test and a blessing for some or maybe it’s a punishment for some. Allah knows best. We need to exercise caution when we label the women as good and label the men that don’t measure up to the women’s expectations as being “bad” men.

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Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people

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7 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All,

    I’m sorry I didn’t make myself clear in the post/theme. When I said we all get what we deserve because Allah is a Just God, it is what I meant. Allah, being a Just God, does not give us something that we are not deserving of. We are deserving of what ever we get. Allah knows what’s best for each of us.

    There is wisdom behind all of Allah’s decrees and decisions. We just don’t know what it is. Allah’s knowledge is vast and unlimited. We only have a tidbit of knowledge, maybe an atoms weight of knowledge. I only know it’s a nominal amount.

    For better understanding of it, I recommend all read Surah 18, The Cave (Al Kahf) in the Holy Quran – specifically the story of the wise man.

  • ummof4

    January 23, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    This new article is interesting.  It is true that all women in polygyny are not good, just like all women in monogamy are not good.  All  men in polygyny are not bad, just like all men in monogamy are not bad.  We do get exactly what is written for us, since it all comes from Allah.  I think that when Ana said that we get what we deserve, that’s what she meant, not that everyone does evil deeds and then gets punished for them, or only people who do good deeds get rewarded.

    Through the years I have noticed that the majority of wives who are thrust into polygyny (the ones who married first) like to feel that their husbands “did them wrong.” It is difficult for most people to see marriage as a test from Allah.  A monogamous marriage may have its ups and downs, but it’s okay.  A polygynous marriage is a different issue for most people.  It’s either all good, or it’s all bad.  Any marriage, any divorce, any job, any child that is born, any illness, anything that happens to us can be a test from Allah.

    Once a person feels hurt, it is easier to point out the faults of a spouse, even if those faults existed for years.  For years a husband may be mean, may come home late every night, may spend little time with the children, may be verbally abusive, may expect his wife to pay the household bills, may not be romantic or affectionate.  A wife may see these behaviors as minor faults in her husband.  However, once the husband marries another wife or even mentions that he may marry another wife, these minor faults became major issues.

    All of us have to be honest with ourselves first, then with others.  Each of us have to strive to be the best Muslimah possible by learning our deen and practicing it.  Then we will be able to deal with the tests that Allah sends our way in the proper manner.

    Here at polygamy 411, we are a support group.  Most of us have been through the misconceptions, myths, pain, heartache, anger, jealousy, and other emotions that polygyny brings out in a person.  This is a safe place to be as long as we keep it positive.  I am grateful to Allah for the blessing of being able to comment on this site, and pray that it continues to be a companion to those who need it as they navigate the rough seas of polygyny.

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    I was meant to write *yes woman don’t always get what they want. Not you.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Umm of2,

    Your saying, “Knocked my socks of” always has me cracking up. It’s the funniest thing. I envision someone’s socks flying off LOL

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Salam

    Khadijah

    You woman don’t always get what they deserve. In fact it’s not just woman but lots of people don’t get what they deserve.  I know this is a polygamy blog but just want to give you few examples. There are some children even little babiea who are abused and beaten by adults, do they deserve it? NO but it happens its not right but it happens. Children starving around the world do they deserve it?  NO again it is happening. Someones house gets robbed did they deserve it? What I am trying to say things happen even if we don’t deserve them. Allah allowed them happen and with don’t always know the wisdom behind Allah letting these things happen. 

    Just trust Allah and inshaAllah you will get through this. Stay focused on increasing your iman. 

     

  • Umm of2

    January 23, 2017

    EXCELLENT POST WOAH. Knocked my socks of. Wellllll Said

    khadijah, imagine if a woman had a honkey dory marriage and her and her husband lived in bliss. They had everything they wished for and more. Then one day the husband came home, sat his wife down and broke the news that he’s going to get married again. Will the woman hurt any less than if he had gotten married behind her back didn’t tell her until years down the line. No it will hurt just about the same. There’s no painless way to go about polygamy. If we said right here right now the husbands are bad guys they never have to let go move on bla bla bla. What is that doing. It might boost your ego for a second or two but that pain is stil there. You sign off the computer and your situation is still as it is. Speaking of the husbands flaws didn’t change your situation not one bit. You wasted valuable time and energy speaking of them actually when you could have received the guidance and tools to tackle the many many obstacles that lie ahead. In other words speaking of what the husband coulda shoulda woulda didn’t do does nothing for you. Zilch. The wife becomes frozen in time not knowing left from right forward or backward. Doesn’t know how to feel how to get out of that funk. So you’re not going to get pointing out the husbands lack of from here. Stay focused. Pull out your Quran read in Arabic if you can or your native language with translation. In due time you will feel at ease.

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    you know I didn’t mean all women in polygamous marriages are good women, but just because something happens like bad polygamy doesn’t mean a woman is getting what she deserves, do women who do everything right Islamically, for the sake of Allah, and everything right in the human and society sense deserve to get beat to a pulp? Should they perpetually stay because we shouldn’t blame the Husband?

     

    lying to your wife is a sin, beating on  your wife is a sin just because it makes you feel stronger is a sin, being cruel to another Muslim is a sin. Just because Allah doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle , and just because bad things happen to us doesn’t mean we must be awful people who don’t worship Allah correctly, nor does it mean you should completely absolve Husbands of responsibility.

     

    you seem to be putting so much of this business on women. If the brothers, who are supposed to be the head of the family, are not living up to their end of the deal why should the women be the only ones to sacrifice. Wouldn’t it be better to find a good righteous man?

    The reason I suspect men are often seen as the Bad guy is because this is a mans responsibility, when all to often they want the RIGHTS but neglect their DUTIES. Also, it isn’t the wife who is potentially putting everything to risk, given the at times volatile nature for her desire.  and since it isn’t something she has any say or control over what is the point in randomly casting aspersions on her character. I mean perhaps if there were more positive polygamist examples from today it might not be that way. I mean everyone needs to up the game so to speak but in this instance it is usually the brothers fault.

     

    and to be fair Ana while here on 411 it might be assumed that the first wife is good, everyone in the community, to family, to friends, to even scholars at times, will seek out reason to blame the wife bringing it on herself. So i don’t think it would be all that bad to have a place where just once we don’t have to feel like if I had cooked better, or had more private time ( Which can I just say in my specific case is ridiculous,), etc,etc,etc. he would never of looked for anything else. it is ok if this is not that place. I guess.