August 2015 discussions

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August 2015 discussions

August 2015 discussions

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156 Comments

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2015

    This thread is now august 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the August 2015 discussions and welcome in September 2015.

    August 2015 discussions are now closed. Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/September-2015-discussions/

    August 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2015

    I haven’t heard from her. I think about her often, about coco and some of our other past regulars, as well. I haven’t reached out by way of email to any of them, only becuz I’ve got a lot on my plate. I figured perhaps they will return one say soon. It’s funny. The blog had slowed down a bit. Right when I was beginning a new project torally unrelated to the subject of polygamy and had nothing to do with marriage the blog started hopping again SMH so, I got drawn back into the blog again for the time being, with my other project on hold. Some times I feel I want to move on from here…

  • Ruqayyah

    August 30, 2015

    Has anyone herd from Laila? Where did she go? 🙁

  • Gail

    August 30, 2015

    Mari2,

    He won’t cut them loose it is their culture.20 people lay around while one works and feeds the rest it is culture and I know he will not cut them loose besides his mother would not let him.
    My husband does the same crap and I get so irritated with it and truly feel like my husband is stealing from me and the kids to give his family money etc..
    Don’t feel bad about your husband u get to see him without your MIL and if u r smart u will act like this is not bothering u and u r enjoying living apart which u very well may.lol
    I am saying this because the more u act like it bothers u the more power u give him and his mother to keep acting up so my advice is act happy even if u r upset so he thinks in his mind u have moved on just my thoughts.Whatever u do never allow that witch back in your home.
    Also expect that he might get nasty with u at times now esp if his finances go down so expect it and prepare for it so u will not be thrown off guard if he threatens after a month or two to cut u off and not pay for cable and the other stuff he promised.

    Ana,
    I should have been more clear that I am dealing his parents only until Sept 3 for his mom she is going back to Pakistan and my FIL he will be leaving after 1 month aprox oct 1 I am hoping.When they come back next season they are staying in the garage apt.is what my husband has informed me.He lies alot and tries to manipulate me but I am going to make him stay on his word.

  • anabellah

    August 30, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Thank you for letting us know that you are okay. I had no doubts you would be. You sound to be in good spirits and I am happy for you. About the move, it’s just a change that you are making, and a good one. You and he are still married and you will still see him on a regular. Now you two can enjoy each other without her being in your hair or worrying about what she may hear etc. Now you have a squeaky clean abode that you could relax in and enjoy. On days that he is with you, make the days special. It’s your special days. Make them memorable, so he will always have the memories with him. Insha Allah, he’ll look forward to those days. Good for you, Sis. Alhumdulliah. God is Great!

  • Mari2

    August 30, 2015

    @Ana, Gail and all sisters here,
    I want to thank all of you for your support over these past months. Move out day was today. MIL took all of her belongings and M took some necessary things. It’s bittersweet. Sweet because she is gone, but sad that he had to go as well. But they are a package deal…

    It’s okay because I will see him. Today I spent hours cleaning the entire house top to bottom. I found potato chips under her bed and pieces of food in the drawers of her dresser. I had to vacuum crumbs from the drawers. I have no words. But all is clean and the neat freak in me can relax…lol. I still need to tackle the fridge, but I’ll save that for another day.

    And yes Gail perhaps he will send her to Pakistan some day. Or maybe she will convince him to return. He and I did have a good conversation about dealing with those in Pakistan who constantly require money of him. I get taking care of 2 and his minor sister, but a 30 and 28 year old brother? The layabouts? I suggested that he cut them loose financially speaking. I understand things are tough in Pakistan but he is only enabling their laziness by tossing money at them.

  • Gail

    August 28, 2015

    Mari2,

    It seems like it worked out the best possible way.MIL is out and u still get to spend time with M.He may yet send her back to Pakistan though.All it takes is her getting sick and him not being able to deal her unless she has family here to care her eventually she will have to be sent back or your cowife will have to be sent for to care for her.Either way she is out of your hair so Congrats for that.Mine is leaving back to Pakistan on sept 3!!!

  • Mari2

    August 28, 2015

    And yes Ana I agree that men should just be truthful. When M married cousin, the very night of the marriage he called me to tell me he loved me. That hurt. And for months after 2 sent him all kinds lovey notes and he responded in kind. I flat out asked him one day to correlate his complaints of her to me and his 18 days and Disney esq “love” of her. At that point I stopped allowing him to manipulate my feelings. He just tried to play us both. I said “no”.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I like that depiction. It sounds like a movie that I was watching on Netflix last night. LOL I can’t remember the name of it. I’ve got about 45 minutes of it left to watch. I’ll finish it this evening, Insha Allah.

    I get a gut feeling based on all that you’ve said, that your husband wants to do the right thing by you. Now you and he could add some excitement in your life. It should feel like dating. Add some life and ignite some sparks 🙂

  • Mari2

    August 28, 2015

    @Ana
    yes I intend to continue his insurance coverage on the car. It’s titled in both our names and he gets a better rate with my company than on his own. He has agreed to continue to help me with bills. Internet will remain in his name. He very wants to help me as he can. I’m fine with that. As far as being with him, we will not really see each other less. I always used to joke with friends that I missed my chance to be a wealthy Victorian era wife: she has her life and her rooms, he has his life and his rooms. Meet 2 times a week for dinner, attend events, enjoy each other intimately without being over dependant on each other. Throw in some awesome antiques and servants and a perfect marriage is born…lol.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    Truthfulness is the best policy. Truth works. Truth hurts, as well. The problem is most people have a hatred for truth. Allah, in the Holy Quran, says they do.

    It does no good when a husband makes the other wife out to be someone whom he doesn’t want and dislikes. It’s false feeding the wife who hears it. It may make her feel good in a sick sort of way, as it feeds her lower naf (pride, vanity, arrogance etc). Ultimately, it does no good. As you said, Ruqayyah, finding hints that what he’s been saying is a lie (he really does love her) hit hard and hurts more. It opens the wife up to look like a fool for having believed the lie. Men think they’re sparing a wife’s feelings, but he’s only making matters worse. He trying to play God and manipulate people and the matter. It’s not cool…

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I really don’t think anyone here thinks you are being unfair to your husband or your MIL. I certainly don’t think you are – not for a minute. You’ve been very good in accepting that he married the cousin, and having his mom come to live with you. You’ve been very supportive of him financially, as well. No one expects you to tolerate abuse. It’s one thing trying to cope with an abusive husband, which you DON’T have, but to tolerate an abusive MIL is a different story. You made a lot of sacrifices. Insha Allah, He will reward you handsomely for it.

    Don’t go blaming yourself or having seconds thoughts about the matter or second guess yourself. Don’t let Satan jump all over you and make you think you’re at fault for anything that has happened. Stay strong and swat Satan out the way. Don’t entertain him.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 28, 2015

    My husband tried to tell me he disliked his other wife and it was actually a relief when he said no he loved her. If he loves and cares for her it changes something in my heart lol otherwise if he dislikes her and she’s bad to him I get defensive. I’d rather know he loves her and vice versa lets just deal with the truths instead of making me out to be oh so beloved and each time I see hints that it isn’t true how hard would that be?

  • Mari2

    August 28, 2015

    And before anyone thinks I am being unfair to M or his mom, my 21 year old daughter offered that she and her 2 year old could move in with me. As much as I love my daughter and grandchild I told her no as well. I know the challenges they would bring, and it would be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I think you’ve done the right thing. The last thing you want is to be tormented in your own home. You work hard and want to come home to peace and quiet. You want to be able to relax and enjoy your home.

    I know you’re a bit sad. You wouldn’t love him, if you didn’t feel at least a tidbit sad about him moving out. He may end up missing you very badly. It’s not as though he’ll be gone totally from your life. Weekend mornings are good.

    He may find living out there without you is not as easy as he thought it would be. Do you still intend to pay his car payment and insurance or will turn them over to him? I think you said it’s all in your name, so you may need to keep paying to make sure it gets paid. I’m glad your mother is supportive of what you’re doing. Keep your focus on Allah swt and you’ll be alright.

  • Mari2

    August 28, 2015

    @Ana and Gail,
    M and his mother are leaving to their new home this Sunday. He will come see me weekend mornings, but where mommy goes so must he. I am fine with that. M will not send her back to Pakistan because she threatened to disown him if he did. Soooo, he and mommy will leave and live elsewhere. M agrees that this is best as far as his mom and I are concerned. Best for me for sure. I’m only a smidge sad about this. Already I see M only a bit during the week since he does night shift and I work days. I’ve slept and eaten alone for the past 4 years. So whether he’s here or not really makes not much a difference. The only person I saw on a regular basis was his mom. And she’s mean to me in her disapproving way. I love M and prefer to keep him in my life. His mom…no. I even talked the situation over with my mom and asked her if I was being unreasonable. Her opinion was that I was being rather proactive.
    Proactive you may ask? Well last night M informed me that he got his mother a weekend babysitting job. Without even asking me, M has arranged for his mom to babysit 2 children, 6 and 3 years for 12 hours a day on Saturday and Sundays every weekend. Ummmm. ..what? My job entails me to work with children Monday thru Friday. I love my job, but my home is the sanctuary where I can unwind.
    And when I say “my home” I mean that. Rent is 1900 per month. He pays 500 for two people. I pay the remainder plus all utilities and his car insurance. So he and mommy leaving will hurt the wallet a bit. Not too much but it’s worth the sacrifice for peace.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’ve been leaving out important words from my posts that makes the writing make sense. I had to go back and put them in. The wires in my brain must be getting twisted.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    Marie, it’s absolutely crazy. Some of these women think the husband really doesn’t love the other wife. They are so deluded. Granted, when the husband first marries another and the wife is so terribly upset, she does look for any reason to say her husband really doesn’t want the other, but was doing her a favor or something. She’s just trying to hold on and hope. It’s a hard pill to swallow that a husband went and got himself another wife. But, once she settles in a bit and gets a grip on reality or someone says something that slaps her into reality, she then comes to her senses. You said a mouth full when you asked, “how could someone really think that a person would spend time, money, energy and brain space on someone who they do not like. Its crazy”

    I think when it comes to men and loving more than one woman, is it somewhat like a parent’s love for her children. A parent very often has a favorite child. The parent usually doesn’t come out of his or her mouth and admit it. The children usually know though. It’s common and there is nothing wrong with it. The parents still loves the other children. The parent simply gravitate towards one more than the other. Prophet Jacob (PBUH) had a favorite child, who was Joseph. When Joseph’s brothers told their father that Joseph was eaten by the wolves, Benjamin became his favorite. Joseph and Benjamin had the same mother.

    I know why women do it, but it only hurts them. It’s best to keep it real. I got slapped into reality once or twice. It hurt, but I’m grateful for it. It helped me keep it moving forward. It helped me grow.

  • Marie

    August 28, 2015

    ya know ana, its beyond me how a woman could convince herself (with a little help from her husband) that he doesn’t like his other wife. how could someone really think that a person would spend time, money, energy and brain space on someone who they do not like. Its crazy

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    I don’t think a husband dislikes any of the wives either. I think he loves them all. He may incline towards one more than another, but his heart is not devoid of love all together for the other(s).

    In a case where he can’t stand a wife at all and loves another sooo much, he’d divorce the wife that he doesn’t love or come to an agreement that they stay married on paper and she simply gives up her rights.

    Some men just have ugly, nasty or bad dispositions. Not all people are the same. We’re supposed to be kind to everyone. It includes husbands being kind to their wives and wives being kind to their husband. Husband’s are supposed to live with their wives on a footing a kindness and equity. Some don’t. Maybe it’s the man’s personal Jihad. He could be battling with himself to overcome a bad trait. Allah knows best.

    Patience pointed out a very good fact – a person has a personal Jihad. I’m familiar with the saying she mentioned. I believe the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is said to have said (not in the Quran) that our Jihad today won’t be on the battlefield. It will be with ourselves. Trying to control the naf (low desires).

    Some people have to battle with bad traits they have in an effort to overcome them. There is no perfect person on this planet. We all have faults and flaws. Men do, as well. Some women want to make everything all about the men – that they are bad people. It’s not all about them.

  • Marie

    August 28, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    Its actually nice to have a big family, when a co has kids you get all the best bits and non of the bad bits. I guess its a bit like having grandchildren, you hand them back when they get cranky and you don’t have to give birth to them lol. When/if you have kids sleeping and eating alone becomes a thing of the past and you’ll really enjoy it when you do.

    I don’t think a husband dislikes any of his wives, why would he remain married to someone who he doesn’t like, but I definitely wouldn’t like it if the only reason my husband comes home is because a schedule requires him to. id like to think if I was in that situation I would give some of my nights to my co, but the reality maybe that he will come home like it or lump it lol.

    The only thing I dislike is the intimacy (between them), I know that sounds quite pathetic but at the moment I’m not 100% ok with it. I don’t cry or have major outburst about it (anymore) so that’s a huge plus. who knows maybe one day I wont give rats @ss.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 27, 2015

    Marie I agree with you. I accept that polygamy is allowed by islam, I don’t like eating alone though or sleeping alone or the fact that he will have another family LOL. But I accept that what he’s doing is okay and I think I’ll get there one day with my own dislikes. And its true many women are upset because they aren’t happy themselves, I used to blame polygamy for my unhappiness and it made us both miserable. Now I acknowledge what is making me unhappy and it makes it so much easier to fix the problem. I don’t know how the women who know their husband dislikes them cope in polygamy. I find it very sad for them.

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All

    I published a new post that coincides with the discussion we’ve been having about whether it is difficult to be in a polygamous marriage, and have children.Mothers Say Polygamy Hurts Them

  • Marie

    August 27, 2015

    Polygamy for some women may be a warning that they are married to a dunya loving horses ass. it may have proved him a persistent liar, he may have married a kafr, committed adultery ect. The woman needs to decide whether she can spend the rest of her life with someone who constantly displays disobedience to Allah. Or polygamy could show her that she is married to a god fearing man, which could only be a blessing. a woman needs to look at her situation and determine whether she rejects polygamy or her husbands characteristics. it may only be one aspect of plural marriage that she dislikes, like sleeping or eating alone, not being able to discuss certain aspects of the husbands life ect. to me, not liking one aspect of polygamy is not rejecting polygamy as a whole. If a woman was to say she doesn’t believe a man should have more than one wife, then yes, she has rejected polygamy, but if she doesn’t like eating dinner alone, then she hasn’t.

    Sorry if these posts are a bit of a jumble, im dealing with “baby brain” lol

  • Marie

    August 27, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum

    Patience. I liked your post. I agree that when their are kids involved it makes thing a little more complicated. The wives can’t ‘live’ separately, if they want to. It feels as though the other wife is always there as the husband is in constant contact with the households 24/7. And as you would know children are very unpredictable and ’emergencys ‘ are a regular. I don’t think this is why a women feels pain but it’s definitely aggravating.

    A lot of women who come here are angry and upset not because the husband is polygamous but because he is unkind to her. She doesn’t feel loved or cared for. As if the husband has no interest in her. They confuse ‘unjust’ with unkind. Allah tells us to be kind to one another. A woman knows if her husband is tired, sick ect. If he says he doesn’t want to do an activity together and she knows when he is just plain un interested. It can be very hurtful for any woman. I think women who have an attentive, kind, loving husband do a lot better with polygamy than those who don’t. It’s easy to see that polygamy is a problem for a woman if she has a ‘good’ husband and is still finding it very hard.
    The women who aren’t getting the love at home seek it somewhere else, like this blog, if we are also harsh, then she will take her anger out on us, women are known for taking out frustrations on anyone that she comes across. One thing I know is people respond better to kindness than they do harshness.

    Ummof4, getting your husband to write a book sounds like a fantastic idea. I think a lot of men need a heads up on polygamy and not just the usual “divide the nights equally” advice. I Know a polyganous man who finds it very hard to leave his favourite wife, he wants to go back by the time he’s got in the car. The other wife can sense this (although he trys to hide it, to not hurt her feelings) and it causes a problem. No ever talks about theses things when the man reads or asks about polygamy. So yes a book is much needed.

    I hope everyone has a wonderful day/night

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2015

    Mari2,

    I’m with Gail on this one. You may be fighting a winnings battle, if you get the upper hand. It is always good to have the upper hand. Mari2, you have nothing to lose, but much to gain, if you call his bluff. His mom needs to straighten up and fly right or getta steppin. Ya know what I’m sayin? Either way you look at it, whichever way it goes, you come out the winner.

  • Gail

    August 27, 2015

    Mari2,

    Just hang in there Mari2 I totally get where u r coming from as u well know.
    I feel your MIL is just over the top not that my own isn’t as well but I don’t have a cowife anymore that is living with my MIL.I am trying to deal the culture as best I can at this point.As u know I have good days and bad days and today was a good day.
    I honestly think he is lingering because he either does not have a place to go and lied to u about having a place or he really don’t want to or have intentions to go.I don’t know if it is possible to get him to send his mother back to Pakistan to live permanent but this might be a solution if u stick to your guns and tell him either send her back to Pakistan or he needs to leave.
    In your case with your cowife in the picture and your MIL acting like she is I would say she must leave because she is to controlling and u need to be in control of your husband and your home not his mother.
    I don’t mean control like his lord and master but u know what I mean as a wife we need to know are husband is listening to us or what is the use.
    I know u love your husband and this is totally sucking for u but I am telling u as my mom always says stick to your guns and u will come out on top.I will predict if u don’t give in to him u may very well get him to ship his mom back to Pakistan COD delivery! LOL I will be honest either u get the upper hand now or she will this is a battle of wills and if u love your husband then don’t back down.I say send her back to Pakistan because if she stays in USA she will just call him over to her place every other day disturbing and again u will not have peace U MUSTTTT call her bluff and let her know u r calling the shots not HER!
    Now all this is contingent on u actually wanting to keep your husband.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I’m for you in what you’re doing. I totally understand where you’re coming from and I think you’re doing the right thing. I sense you want to live true Islam not adulterated with culture. I know you were accepting of polygamy. You did good. Marriage is difficult enough. Add cultural differences, there are monumental problems to surmount. You’ve doing yourself proud. I think you know and believe that Allah is your provider. Everything comes fro Him. HE will take care of you. He loves the believers who rely on Him. They put their faith and trust in Him. Stay mindful of Allah, Mari2, and don’t slacken in remembering Him. He says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. Never doubt it {hugs}

  • Mari2

    August 26, 2015

    @Ana
    Reading what you had to say to Patience. … Yes, polygamy is NOT easy, but when I look at the difficulties I have faced over the last year or so I realized it wasn’t polygamy per say that was the issue. I accept polygamy. The issue is how my husband went about polygamy in an un Islamic way and the twisting of culture and Islam. Those are our issues..not “polygamy”. Polygamy didn’t hurt me. His adherence to culture hurt me. Allah never hurt me, my husband’s cowardice hurt me. And I am thankful to all on this site who listened to me vent and offered cultural insight as well as Islamic insight.
    And yes, having no children and one’s own money does make separation easier but not having those things doesn’t mean one has to stay either. M and I aren’t separating our marriage. I just chose to separate from the culture. I am separating myself from his mother and all the pakistani drama associated with his family. I am exerting my right to a separate household, and yes this move of mine is going to nip me in the wallet since his income is tied to mommy and culture. But so mote it be. Excuses keep me trapped. I’d rather go back to working two jobs to make ends meet than deal with inequity in my own home.

  • Mari2

    August 26, 2015

    @Gail
    glad the bleeding tapered off. You are right about menopause being somewhat hereditary. But when I know my mom was in her early 50s and when her mom was my age she had a baby on her hip and toddlers, I get a bit panicky. ..lol. Some women whip through menopause quickly and for others it’s a long drawn out process. Good luck.
    As for M and his mom, I think they are moving this weekend. They seem to be lingering. I keep asking for the move date.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @Gail,

    Just as long as it’s not a topless exotic beach, you’ll be in good shape LOL. You should be okay, Gail. Alhumdulliah (praise be to God) the bleeding has gotten way better. Try to relax and not stress so much as well. Insha Allah, you’ll be okay.

  • Gail

    August 26, 2015

    Ana,

    My period is technically over this month and it has slowed down during the day to almost nothing but at night it is little bit more.I am not using a pad right now but it is there on the tissue when I wipe now for me that is very good as I am not bleeding like a stuck pig and clots and all but I am holding my breath it will stop. My mom told me she was 45 when she went through menopause but she could not swear to it but that is her thinking and the doc told me that u can pretty much wright it down when your mom stopped u will stop.Soo if this is correct then I should be counting the months because I am 45 in feb.plus I only have one darn ovary dang it.lol
    I love sex and this is killing me to be frank.I am told my husband when I go through menopause him and I r going on an amazing vacation on a beach.I don’t care which one just should be an exotic beach.lol

  • Gail

    August 26, 2015

    Ana,

    This will be the first time in my life I have done the right thing for someone else that is this huge.If he complains after this I am going to choke him.As far as the kids marrying his brothers kids I am firm on that and will not change because I feel my children have a right to choose who they marry.
    Now saying that my mom came by today and let me know that my oldest son’s girlfriend wife I have no idea at this point is pregnant and expecting the baby in Dec.I am not happy about it all because well to be frank the girl is a looser and has the intelligence of a small child it seems not to mention she is lazy.Now in saying that my son is the exact same if not worse than her so two lazy bums don’t make for a good marriage team in my opinion.
    Then to top it all off my mom came to tell me that my niece was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 3 yrs ago and she lost her insurance and never went to seek treatment.She is 26 and just had a baby 2 months ago and has 3 yr old and is deathly ill.She has applied for medicaid but has no been approved yet.I am thinking 3 years to know and not do anything might be to late in the game since she is so sick now.My mom was just a basket case today.The guy my niece is married to also seems to be a deadbeat and does not keep a job and they r on zero and now living with my mom.Mom come to ask me if I would care for her 2 babies if she has to go in the hospital.What a mess!

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    Patience,

    It’s good to have you with us. 🙂

  • Patience

    August 26, 2015

    Thanku for your response.
    Sometimes advice is best received when one has a personal insight or experience on a matter. People can advise on many issues just by having knowledge or reading about it and contemplate how they would feel in that circumstance. However put them in it and 90% will not react as they anticipated. As stated polygamy is a test for all those involved and the Quran (& Hadith) guides us on the etiquette of a practice but feelings is a struggle that even Allah acknowledges – a famous Imam once quoted the biggest battle you will have is with your nafs(soul/desires) that is life and we have try and over come this. Belly aching as you put it maybe one way of getting through it for some women but they will get through it with Allahs will as you did, hamdulilah.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    A person could sit here all day and night, talking about how angry and upset they are at their husbands because they took other wives (became polygamous). I think I acknowledge those feelings. I don’t dwell on them. Maybe some think I do not acknowledge the feelings to the degree that they think I should.

    I can’t recalled being cold and callous in the sense of dismissing those feelings. I simply don’t belabor them. I, for instance, spoke the other day of depression, and what it could be like when a woman first finds herself in a polygamous marriage. Dwelling on the feelings aren’t going to make them go away.

    I let women know that they have to dig deeper and learn why those feeling exists. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us why they exist. I share my knowledge of why they exist according to what Allah says. He is the only one who can remove those feelings and heal a woman who is suffering in pain and agony (psychologically and in her heart). Sadly, not many people HEAR me.

    Most women want to keep blaming their husbands for what Allah has done. I guess it’s easier for them to blame the husband rather than blame Allah. The husband is only exercising a right that Allah has given him. Whether a woman thinks the husband used free will to become polygamous or believe that Allah, who created the Heavens and the Earth and all between, scripted it for him, Allah has given men that right.

    Some women think they can take the right from their husbands. Some take it upon themselves to dictate to the husband about the right – tell him when, and how he can use it. Allah did not give her that right to dictate to her husband.

    Allah says believers conduct their affair with mutual consultation. With it said, he should discuss with his wife what he intends to do, so she can be informed and have input. The bottom line is he can make his intent and if it happens, it pleased Allah. Allah makes things happen. People don’t

    I think it is absurd when people talk to me about what they call Qader. They say Allah knows what a person will decide before he or she decides it. It’s the only power they seem to give Allah. It angers me that they says Allah knows something so simple when He created the whole universe. It’s like making mockery of Him. It’s belittling Allah. It putting Him at a level of a fortune teller or soothsayer. Yes, he knows what they will do because he created the person and had him do it. But most people just don’t get it. So, they keep blaming the husband and being angry with him. They wonder why they keep suffering, and are agonize.

    It baffles me that women are quick to say their husbands are hurting them. Do they think Allah allowed polygamy for the women to hurt in it? The hurt comes from themselves, but most women don’t want to hear it. They are so quick to say the man used free will to go get another wife, but she won’t use free will to leave a marriage in which she says her husband is hurting her.

    She then makes up 100 excuses why she can’t use her free will to leave the marriage, as she has no money, no where to go, wants her children with their father and blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses, excuses for why she can’t use her free will. Yet, she says her husband has all the free will in the world.

    She needs to use her free will and take her children to a family members house, or friend’s or a shelter, and leave the husband. She needs to use her free will and go get herself a job. She need to use her free will to divorce her husband. OH, but now, she has no power to use her free will. Suddenly, she has no way to put her free will to use. In essence, she’s saying only her husband has free will. It’s makes no sense.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 26, 2015

    Hey hey hey was just trying to help hehe I’m not trying to cause an argument I get what you’re saying and I agree with you. Just trying to say maybe it was not what you said but how its said but Allah knows best. And yes you’re right I’ve spent far too long worrying about him and his desire for polygamy and now that I’m not stressed about it we now have a nice little situation going on alhamdulilah. We get along better than ever. It still upsets me at times.. anyways my point was just to give you a possible answer as to why some girls get bent out of shape. It could also be that the truth at that time is hard to hear.. i hated hearing it I hated this blog but I kept coming back to it because I knew its what I needed to hear to get right. I didnt want a divorce and I couldn’t change him. So yeah it felt good to write about his stupidity and in a way it was therapeutic even though at the time I hated what answers I got

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    @Ruquayyah,

    No, I don’t rightly get it – what you said. When women or men come here and are feeling badly and I recognize they are in the beginning phases of polygamy, I try to help them through it. I try to help them based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. I tell them what they need to hear to get through it, which is what all the 87 or more posts/threads on this blog is about. If I wasn’t helping people and wasn’t getting through to anyone, this blog wouldn’t be as successful as it has for the last almost 7 years. It has outlasted the life of the average blog.

    If a husband is doing wrong by a wife, I let her know he is wrong. I tell her the remedies available to her based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. If a woman is being wronged like I think “Spirited” is, I let her know it. For instance, I suggested she stands up for her rights, based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran.

    If I was in a polygamous marriage and my husband was wrong in changing the schedule, guess what? I’d speak up for myself to him about it, probably argue with him about it and get angry, but the bottom line is, I’d use the remedy available to me. I’d get a Muslim male to help me iron out the situation, which I would have to do as I have no Muslim family members. It exactly what I tell the women here to do. I tell them the same thing. I’d speak with him about it.

    I won’t tolerate a commentator with a nasty attitude who is angry with her husband, coming here and getting in my face when I’ve done nothing to her. If she gets in my face, I will get right back into hers.

    I tell people when they think the way that you do – that he went and got himself another wife, if it does get another wife, it was Allah’s decision, not the wife’s. He did nothing wrong. I will speak the truth. No wife has a right to dictate how, when and why her husband marries another. Only Allah has that right. He didn’t give it to the wife. I would tell you, yes you are wronging your own soul by living your every waking hour stressing over a man who has been trying to get with another woman for the last few years, not trying to pay attention to what you and he have, but chasing down something that isn’t for him. I’m not going to try to pacify anyone to not hurt the person’s feeling, and not speak the truth.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 26, 2015

    @Ana I don’t think its what you’re saying but possibly how you’re saying it. Its hard to swallow the cold hard truth and most women when they are first flung into the world of polygamy need a hug and reassurance that its okay to feel this way. Its okay to feel disappointed in your husband. Its okay to feel sad. Its okay to be angry with him or think he is not doing a great job at being a husband. No one wants to hear he has not done wrong when you are hurting etc.
    In saying that though I think compassion and a good shove in the right direction would do wonders. Its okay to feel bad BUT what are you gonna do about it? Yes he is upsetting you and not fulfilling your needs.. so what action are you going to take?
    I remember you and I used to butt heads a lot it wasn’t that I didn’t believe in qadr it was that I was very disappointed in my husband as he wasnt as… active as I’d have liked despite wanting another wife. You told me he was gay or didn’t love me lol it really hurt at the time because I know he loves me I can see it in his actions but you had me doubting that.. its not your fault as its over the net and hard to know whats going on. I’ve taken a different approach to him I still think its wrong for him to leave me high and dry when I need him but go get himself another wife so he’s agreed to work on that.. if he had not I let him know I may have to leave him if it becomes too much. I can’t control him or force him but I can discuss how much it effects me and how it makes me feel and if he changes cool if not I need to decide if my marriage is worth it.. its the same for all wives and all problems. Just because the change has to come from us does not mean he is doing no wrong he may not be sinning but he has hurt us however.. for example you would be upset if your husband changed the schedule and started swapping days here and there. It doesn’t mean he is sinning as you have said he is still splitting days and not leaving you husbandless. But its something you would not tolerate. It doesn’t make you a bad muslim. Anyways Im rambling by now lol I think you get it 🙂

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2015

    I encourage anyone who has not watched the short video by a Muslim brother-in-faith to watch it. All that he relates in the video is from the Holy Quran. The first thing the Angel Gabriel told the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he was given the revelation was to “READ”. It’s an awesome video.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2015

    The last thing I have to say about the matter this evening is, if any of you Muslims think like the non-Muslim think, that you have free will and you are in a polygamous marriage that you are suffering in, you need to take your free will and get up out of the marriage. Leave that man divorce him. If you think your husband went out and got another woman to marry and married her of his own free will and accord, you need to take your free will and leave him. You would be an ignorant fool to stay in a marriage that you think your husband chose for himself with no regard for you and your children and think life for you will get better. It won’t get better. You are doomed in that marriage. Why should it get better for you? He didn’t leave her. He is still with her. The variables didn’t change. You are with the very man that took his free will to dog you out and get another wife. To stay in the marriage, you would only be making bad choices. Stop bellyaching about how bad he is and how sad you are and pick yourself up, take your free will and get out of the marriage. Exercise your free will and make things happen. What are you waiting for?

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I’ve been contemplating what the disconnect is with some of the people who come here and say they are Muslim and me (this blog). They just don’t get where I’m coming from. People come here and say I don’t understand what the women are going through, and the women with children go through when their husbands go out and get other wives. It is where we are not connecting.

    I look at life, including polygamy, from an Islamic view, particularly based on what Allah says in the Holy Quran. Those who don’t follow what I say can’t have an understanding of Allah and what He says in the Holy Quran. They are not familiar with tests, trials, adversity, humility, the stories of the Prophets, the story of Mary the Mother of Prophet Jesus or what the mother of Prophet Moses went through or anything. They don’t know what Allah says about lusts, desires and diseases of the heart or His punishment. They can’t know the attributes of Allah or His Power and Control or his Sovereignty .

    Unless a person can get with the Quran, unless Allah gives the person understanding of what is in the Quran, they won’t get it. Do these people realize and understand that Allah says with hardship there is ease? After hardship there is relief? If they aren’t getting the relief and ease or peace and contentment that Allah promises the believer, they are not believers. If they don’t believe their husbands should be in a polygamous marriage or they think they shouldn’t be in a polygamous marriage and they are unhappy in a polygamous marriage, they don’t believe in Allah. Period, point blank, end of story. They don’t know what Islam (the word mean)? They do not know about submission to Allah’s will or surrendering to his will? If they don’t know any of it, there is nothing that I will say here that will make sense to them. Allah guides those whom He wills. He teaches whom He wills. He gives understanding to whom He wills. If Muslim and non-Muslims out there don’t get it and can’t get it, I can’t give it to them.

    The women out there who are in pain and suffering and are angry about that their husbands are polygamous, have a problem with Allah who is God. They don’t have a problem with me. Their problem is more serious than anything that has to do with me. They know nothing about Allah. People rejected each and everyone of the Prophets of Allah. If Allah’s Prophets couldn’t get through to some people, I certainly can’t. It’s the bottom line.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’m thinking perhaps no one knows what causes the bleeding, which is why so many hysterectomies are performed. A hysterectomy seem very drastic and invasive, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. It would definitely need to be your decision without the influence of anyone else. Years ago I worked with a lady who had one. She wasn’t old at all, maybe a bit younger than you. She said it was the best thing that she could have done. She felt like a different person. She said she didn’t know a uterus could make a woman feel as she did. I don’t know what her symptoms were that caused her to need one. She didn’t tell me and I didn’t ask.

    At one time, hysterectomies were the most commonly performed unnecessary surgery. If there is nothing to stop the bleeding and women become anemic, nothing can stop it, what’s left to do. I’m no physician, so, frankly, I don’t know. Women just need to learn as much as they can about what options are available to them, so they can make educated decisions.

    Gail, have you gotten a second or third opinions on the matter from other gynecologists?

  • Gail

    August 25, 2015

    Mari2,

    I have been thinking about u and worried about what is going on with u.Did u and your hubby figure things out or did he and his mom move out? I am dealing so much crap right now u have know idea.
    The doc put me on progesterone but I have yet to take it.I am sick of bleeding
    and the I don’t want uterine ablation because it i read that up to 30% or little more ended up having to have hysterectomy after plus my husband is not fixed so he said it really is not a good option for me.I did the depo provera shot and it was hell and these pills he put me on is the same so I am not looking forward to taking them one bit.I am loading up on vit c and other vit to try to figure out if vitamins might help and having a a little luck plus I am praying to G>D he fix this problem.
    I have another really small bump behind my ear that I am concerned about as well.I am going to have it checked to see if it is early stages of basal cell.Either way I will have it removed.It is very small and under the skin but I am feeling something there.
    I am curious if anyone on the blog had prolonged daily bleeding before they went into menopause?

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2015

    @Patience,

    To follow up on the comment to you. I don’t see a significant difference in this blog and the earlier version. I actually think this blog is much better. There has always only been a handful of regular commentators on the blog at any given time. In fact, there was more conflict and confrontations on the earlier version. I threw more people off the earlier blog and banned their return than on this newer blog. The only major difference between the two blogs is I do not speak of the details of my personal life any longer. As I stated in a comment I made the other day, at times I think people think I am here for their entertainment. I can only share my knowledge with others here and give advice based on my knowledge of Islam. I say often, people make the blog what it is. They write, share and give advice or they don’t.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2015

    @Patience,

    Thank you much for stepping up from being a silent reader to sharing your thoughts and views with us. It’s nice to know that you have been with the blog for some time.

    I must say, what I write doesn’t matter whether the wife has 10 children or none, a “good husband” or a “bad” one, has one co wife or three etc. I speak in my writings based on what Allah instructs us in the Holy Quran. A test or trial or punishment are different in the details, for instance, but the way to handle it is the same. With regard to women who hurt and are in pain, for instance, Allah lets us know the pain comes from within the person, as the person has a diseased heart. Some men have secret wives and others may worship their parents. The ones who keep secrets commit shirk as they may fear a first wife and the first wife is the man’s lord. A man may put culture over Islam and devote his worship and sacrifice to his parents. Again, I speak from what is in the Holy Quran. It circumstances may change, but the way of dealing and coping, Allah has given us.

    I suggest to you that you remain a writer here as you have stepped forward. As you think I’ve alienated people who may want to write, you be the “fascinating commentator” that you say is here no more. You be the one who gives the women the support and understanding they need. I am only one person and cannot be all things to all people. As you surely know, I am not Allah. It’s easy for someone to come on a forum and say what’s wrong with it. Help fix it. Thank you very much!

  • Patience

    August 25, 2015

    Ana I admire your accomplishments and the journey you been on. I have been an intermittent silent reader over the years but been reluctant to comment cos of my own personal insecurities and background. In your old blog you shared details of your life. You showed vulnerability compassion and understanding, even to those you disagreed with. I hope you don’t mind me saying but these days you appear to have hardened taking a very restrictive view of how a woman should handle polygamy. Accepting and living polygamy is not that easy for everyone. Some circumstances make it easier to live with for some whilst not so for others. Ones own personal experience of polygamy can sometimes determine how one approaches it. Im making assumptions on what I already know about you and whether it remains the same but the main one being there are no children involved and your advantageous economic status. Both these factors make polygamy a little easier to swallow. Sticking to schedules is simpler when there are no children on either side. There is no need for any wife to play a part in the others life. There are no responsibilities for the father apart from that to his wives and if he is sticking to the schedule and is equal with his time and money there will be no issues. The only real issue a woman will have is managing her feelings. If she has a loving husband, a career a comfortable home and lifestyle then undeniably polygamy will not have a major impact.
    Now flip the coin over and meet the wives who have children, the husband who has basic earnings, the wives who have no personal income the husband who is unjust in his time and spending, the first wife having to cut back on spending to afford the other the conflict between siblings the conflicts between the wives. A husband can find himself facing bitterness rivalry and manipulation. Now in these circumstances polygamy is having a negative impact. Exerting compromise, patience and acceptance is a way forward but only if all parties adhere to it wholeheartedly. Unfortunately this isnt always the case when kids are involved who have a limited understanding. You cannot reprimand a child for feeling hostility anger or hate. Such behaviour is a result of the environment they are exposed to. So with children as part of the equation it no longer is just her- him-her you now have to include them and kids don’t need a schedule they are entitled to a father unconditionally.

    You express how women need to accept and look within themselves as the root of their pain, it being their problem, their sickness. That is a quite harsh and again it disregards feelings circumstances and in some ways intellect. One has to seek out what will make their life better as long as it is within the realms of Islam just as one needs to seek work to make a living. Allah created us with minds to think and make decisions. He knows our decisions before we even make them but still we have to make them. If a man wants to marry a righteous woman does he wait for her to knock on his door No, he has to seek her out and decide which woman is the right one for him. If marriage is success, hamdulilah, if not then that’s Allah’s will but at least he tried and will learn from it.

    As for me I am not advocating for or against polygamy I speak of it from my viewpoint. In the beginning (Im the first wife) when there were no children involved and a schedule was followed, my biggest challenge was managing my feelings. It was painful, but in time I got through it with Allah’s help. However, in later years with the children and the added expense, it has proved difficult to the extent of causing divorce then reconciliation, resentment from both sides with children being dislodged from one home to another and feelings continue to be a battle not just for me but my husband and co-wife. You have to work at marriage whether monogamous or polygamous, but with the latter you need a bit more strength. I pray and exert patience and hamdulilah. I decide (with Allah’s will) to stay and work at my marriage but at times i just wanted to run away, not because I didn’t accept but cos I found my life difficult. Islam is beautiful and living a life of Islam is a gift. But there will be trials in life and polygamy is just one of them.
    I do hope you loosen the chain on the door Ana as I feel that you alienate some readers from joining the discussions for fear of being labelled polygamy haters. Some women are at the start of their polygamous journeys and need support and understanding when they share their stories. In old blog I remember some fascinating commentators with different stories to share – not so much now.

    sorry for this long winding post, thankyou for reading

  • Mari2

    August 24, 2015

    @Gail
    sorry to hear about your lady bits giving you problems. Ugh I get that. Have you thought about ablation on the uterus? It’s worked wonders for some friends of mine. I am around your age and I too am having a crazy time as my ovaries prep for their grand finale. No hot flashes but I get hormone surges that put me in a homicidal state of mind. And my boobs have been busy bees creating cysts and fibroids at the rate rabbits reproduce. My gyn suggested I go on birth control to nip the hormones in the bud. Every woman is different, but I would think that hysterectomy would be the last resort.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Spirited,

    I agree with Ana here as well.Until u r 100% certain he is not going to step up for u and he is going to always keep u on the back burner I would not be to haste to up and divorce.I say this because u love him and there is nothing wrong with giving him a chance to step up and be fair.Now in saying that he comes across as making excuses that he can’t be with u because the he is needed at home with his second wife and kids then unless u want to live picking up the scraps of his time I would cut the chord and move on at that point but that is just me.I will say one thing for certain though u see how he is not around hardly at all how in the world is it going to work when u do have a child because he is already so limited in his time.He will never be able to be a full time father to your children and the way it looks I doubt even a part time father as well.These r the things I am seeing and the questions that need to be answered by him.Are u wiling to raise kids on your own and be basically a single mom because u have to work to support yourself.If u move to his state and his second wife is so against u.I just don’t see how it is going to work long term when u have to work babies a cowife that refuses to work with u chill out.Kids get sick,u get sick we need r spouses to help out pull an extra shift here and there.
    It is something to think about seriously because I can’t imagine in your case how the kids thing is going to work.Raising kids is so freaking hard!!

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    It’s so easy for someone like me to sit here and pass judgement on your life. You know yourself and life better than me. Do what you are inspired to do. Don’t act hasty after listening to your parents, me or anyone. I know I may be confusing you, but take some time with all of this. The last thing you want to do is make a knee jerk decision and regret it. Don’t rush into anything, especially not with ending your marriage with him. Wait until you have another prospect and are set up with it. Continue to exercise the patience that you have. I’d love to have some more patience. You’re blessed with a good quality.

    Keep praying to Allah swt. You’re right that no one knows what will happen. Your husband may come around to his senses and he will begin to do the right thing by you. Your parents may find someone better than him. Don’t rack your brain trying to figure it out. It will all fall into place. What is for you will never pass you. What passes you was never for you.

    The only thing I would suggest is the next time you speak with him, calmly let him know that you’d like to see more of him. Let him know that you are willing to move there to be closer to him. Speak to him without thinking you’re being demanding. You have a right to ask for rights and things. Get a better feel of what you are dealing with. Don’t throw him away just yet.

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    @Ana,

    No problemo! It’s wonderful that you guys are here to look out for me (and for everyone else who posts or just reads). Maybe it is time to move on and look for someone else. I’ve been thinking about it all day. Its been 2 years or thereabouts and he hasn’t really stepped up as much as he should.

    Who knows, I might get lucky with some family member looking for a match, or in my next phone call with my husband, I might just decide to end it. Well, who knows.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    I meant the desires I have for you to have good in life, may be pressure on you. I don’t want to add to your pressures in life.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited,

    I’m very sorry if it seems I’ve been pressuring you with my post. Don’t worry! What is going to be will be. He makes you happy and he does come around every now and again. You communicate with him via text, email or something? Take it a day at a time, as you said. As Ruqayyah stated, you are very patient and patience is a virtue. None of us know what Allah has in store for us for the morrow, as he says in the Quran. Never mind me. I just get anxious for you sometimes and put my desires for you onto you. You know what time it is. You’re going to be okay. 🙂

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    @Ana,

    lol my goodness woman, everything was so discombobulated for a bit there, it cracked me up a bit!

    its funny you were comparing my relationship to an aged person’s. who knows, maybe we won’t be together. I don’t know the future. Just taking it one day at a time over here

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    Ooops, I had put this comment at the wrong place. I trashed it and moved it here. It is as follows:

    @Spirited,

    I know you are busy, active, go out and do things. I’m comparing your life in terms of a relationship with a man as that of a 90 year old plus person. It’s virtually non-existent.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    Dear Spirited,

    Please meet me over at Muslim Men Have Secret Wives I have a question for you.

  • Spirited

    August 22, 2015

    Salaam and hello peeps!

    It’s finally a pleasant breeze outside, it has been such hot air lately.

    @Ana, Oh I get what you mean now. I thought you were saying just because a parent is upset, that gives them the right to break bones, lol. I was thinking, that sounds a bit wonky coming from Ana, that can’t be right

    As far as my parents sitting back and watching my husband dog me as you say, I think of it like this — would it be any different if he was not polygamous, I was out of their sight in my own place and he was working all day? Other family members who have husbands in the same profession complain about the same thing, though their husbands are not polygamous. One is even thinking of divorcing her husband because of it. Shoot, one of my family members doesn’t even see her husband for months but their parents don’t even know about these issues because they don’t live nearby (or together, like me), so it all looks peachy from the outside. The one whose husband is gone for months, my parents think of that as one of the best marriages in the whole family! That was my point, and I was mostly just agreeing with Gail.

    I know what you mean about having male family members there to stand up for one’s rights. My father actually JUST got off the phone with my husband as I write this. He shot the breeze for a bit and then the only issues my father raised were about being away too long, and starting a family. It sounded like a pleasant conversation, no shouting or name calling, so I’m not sure why my dad over-reacts at other times (bone-breaking and such). No idea what the conversation ended with, probably nothing of note, I’ll ask after I’m done here.

    lol yea, we know how you fight for your rights Ana. You and I are most definitely different in that. It makes my skin crawl to have to demand or otherwise give orders to someone who is of my age or older or my equal. Younger people, yeah no problem. I just can’t feel comfortable with getting something by being bossy about it, even if its something that is owed to me. It simply is not me. If I get walked over because of this, so be it. I don’t expect things from others, it’s the best way to be happy in this world of “me, me, me” selfishness we live in. It’s not the old days anymore when there were more people with morals and a working conscience…

    Also, I just wanted to remind you, I only gave an update, I wasn’t particularly defending my husband (I was actually insulting him). I didn’t complain about any mistreatment, I only updated you guys, added a bit about how he’s a moron and also filled you in on how I’m going about working on ME. As you say (and I have even said it myself) he could be just saying things to keep me or her happy. But unfortunately, there is no way to know because no human is a mind-reader. 🙂 There are certain things that I do know for fact because of actual proof (such as straight from the horse’s mouth), which match up with what he has said, so for those things at least, I am confident about.

    @Gail, no problemo, its an internet discussion forum, so no hard feelings all around. Well you might be right, who can say. As far as I know, when someone is proud of or happy about something, they do not hide it. He does not keep his 2nd wife’s picture anywhere. He does not show her to his parents, he crops her out of pictures of his kids, he does not speak of her or show her to his friends, and (at least to me & his brothers) he complains about her & insults her. Unless its all an elaborate act of course, lol. With Pakistani guys, I guess you can never be too sure. In any case, she doesn’t take up any space in MY thoughts, so its a moot point.

    The facts, as far as I know, are he says he didn’t think she could get pregnant while breast-feeding so he was careless. Of course he’s going to have sex with her, that’s not an issue. Being a moron IS, lol. Again, like Ana said, maybe he’s lying, I don’t know. You guys asked for an update, I’m providing the facts as known to me.

    As far as the future goes, I’m workin’ on me. If I happen to come across a better prospective husband, we’ll see then. There’s already family members looking around for someone else for me to marry, lol. But of course, as per my parents’ orders, it MUST be yet another gem from Pakistan. You can imagine my glee. In any case, that’s a sort of “worst-case-scenario” contingency plan thing they’ve got going. I don’t care to have much of an opinion on that right now, I’m too busy with trying to make myself independent at the moment and no current plans to divorce.

    I have uncles in both Islamabad & Rawalpindi so yep, I have been to both places plenty of times, but we haven’t really been out to eat very much 🙂 I’ll see if I can try out the two eateries you mentioned next time I’m there (Kabul and Red Onion). I didn’t get to Muree on this recent visit, not enough time really. I only got the chance to go to Lahore aside from where in-laws live :(. I would have loved to go to Muzzaffarabad too and visit my two uncles there, see how well they’ve been able to rebuild after the earthquake a few years back. It’s also very lovely up in those mountains, so its always worth the incredibly scary drive, lol

    @Jasmina, you’ve got a nice, cheery way about you . Thank also for your input. I have actually asked for a divorce many times. When this all started, that was the very first action I even took and we were separated for a month or so. During the “let’s sit with parents & concerned elders and talk it out” phase was when my husband said divorce never even entered his mind and was hoping I would give trying to live polygamy a try. After which there were other times I demanded divorce, all times talked out of by my mother, or my in-laws, or my husband. In any case, that’s all behind me and the actions I’m taking now are to better myself. Had I not gone to Pakistan to get married, I would have been working in a great career by now. Unfortunately, the timing of the wonderful economic recession killed any chances for that, so I have to start over. This time though, I don’t have any monkeys on my back and I can focus on getting myself independent and once that is squared away, I can focus on dealing with any “injustices” or whatever else is still not going well.

    That’s the plan anyways. I started with applications last year, but no luck due to “requirements too old.” So, I hope the next round of applications will go well after I update my transcript, Insha’Allah! Do keep me in your prayers, if you would! For now, my husband has gotten better at his responsibilities from when this all began — I’m sure Ana, Gail and everyone remembers that –, but he is still MILES AWAY from what the better/good husbands are able to do — like Ummof4’s husband or Ana’s — although I think Ana’s is more because she doesn’t take slack from him and not because he’s more observant of what Allah expects, lol (apologies to anyone who is also having a decent time with theirs and I didn’t mention you)

    Welp, talk to you guys later. I apologize in advance if I came across harsh anywhere, that’s not my intention. I’m at a stable, “all-is-ok” place mentally and emotionally. Could it be better? Sure. But could it be worse? Yep. The only stress in my life at the moment is for school and kicking myself for not starting my re-schooling earlier, lol, and the occassional parental weirdness where they’re sometimes saying/behaving one way then the complete opposite another time. Anyways, everyone is caught up now with what’s been going on, so there will be less long-essay replies from me ~

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Do you have any input here about Spirited and her situation? I don’t want you to feel you need to take any side or say what you think others want to hear or anything like it. I just value your thoughts and views, about matters, and was wondering if you have any thoughts about it that you’d like to share. Don’t feel compelled to answer. Please feel free to opt not to comment.

  • anabellah

    August 22, 2015

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I in no way want to hurt your feelings. I believe in being honest though and not just say what people want to hear. There is an ayah in the Quran about leaving women hanging as though suspended in the air. They don’t really feel they have a husband, yet the husband doesn’t divorce them. It is wrong for a man to do it. I think it’s exactly what your husband is doing. It’s as though you have no husband. He has placed you at your parents house while he, in a sense, lives a monogamous married life with his other wife and two children in another State in the country. He may not see her that often as he’s working his butt off to take care of his family, but he is there with her when he can be.

    You have a right to accept those conditions and apparently you have. It’s okay for you to say it. You could see it anyway you want to that will give you peace of mind. What seems to be going on is clear to me the more you relate your story to us. I don’t doubt for a minute that he has some feelings of love in his heart for you and you and he have good times together whenever you get together. I don’t doubt that he treats you nicely when you are together, and makes you feel good. I have no doubt that you make him feel good, as well. If you’re willing to settle for that type of life (him being with you when he can sneak away to do it), who is anyone else to say you are wrong. To each his or her own. I’m just calling it the way I see it. You’re awfully young to live your life out like an elderly woman who’s lived her life to the fullest and is ready to be content alone without a companion. Dang, my mom is 79 years old (granted she’s not Muslim), but she swing out and and have a companion. She hit the gym. She travels. She spends time with my younger sister, going places and doing things. 80 is the new 50 for some. I’d have to compare your life to a 90 plus year old person.

  • jasmina

    August 22, 2015

    Hi Gail

    Yes that sounds so much like my husband… It sounds like you have it very tough but you sound tough also masha’Allah. Thank you for your advice. I will sit on it for a while and write a list as you say, that may help. My husband certainly does not beat me and he feeds me haha.

    @Ana yes my issues ATM have nothing to do with polygamy, in fact I don’t mind polygamy all that much so far, it gets hard sometimes emotionally but nothing too overwhelming. My issues are just to do as you say with me wanting more from my marriage.

    @Spirited thanks for sharing your story. That kind of situation would kill me… Well I have lived something like that in the past but i couldn’t do it a second time around though if I did I would fight ‘fairly’ to the bone to get my basic rights as a wife or I would leave the man whilst there still was no kids and make something of myself without him, I guess basically I kinda regret just taking no kind of action.

  • Gail

    August 22, 2015

    Ummoff4,

    Hey there Wow I want to be u I am 44 and I have had one ovary removed.I really can’t deal well with hormones they make me break out in rashes and have trouble breathing and fast heart rate.I am using progesterone cream however in lotion form.I am not bleeding to death but i am not stopping either which sucks because of sexual relations.
    Lets see my luck I really want to heal myself through nutrition if possible.

    Spirited,

    Yeah I love everything about Pakistani and I have seen the knockoff hotels.I love it!lol I also love chicken burgers although I don’t like the cold chicken burgers with cucumbers and ketchup yuk!!
    I love eating at Kabul in ISB it is my alltime favorite place to eat and if u ever get to ISB u should for sure eat there.I also like red onion alot but not as much as kabul.
    Did u get to Murree or did u get come down that far?
    I will say this about your parents just take what they say with a grain of salt.I am noticing as I am getting older i say whatever comes in my brain and I have no filter.I think it just comes with getting old.Your parents love u and I am certain u know this so just close your ears when they start rambling on is my advice.
    As far as my uterine bleeding the doc did an ultrasound and I am waiting on the results of that and he did a gallbladder blood test and pap.Hopefully i will get some news this week on all the results.
    I was having stomach pains but I been drinking kefer probiotics from walmart and all i can say is WOWWWW!! it is really awesome and takes my pain away.
    Spirited I have to agree with Ana about your hubby and his 2nd wife as well.I don’t want to hurt your feelings but there is no way he feels his second wife and kids r a mistake I am 100% sure.His kids are his life and it seems to me he is turning into quite the family man it seems which is a good thing for his second wife and kids.Parents love their kids more than anything which is obviously the right thing to do.The first time he got his wife pregnant not being married and he said he made a mistake i might had believed him but the second time no way my guess is that baby was planned by our cowife or at least she did not prevent it from happening because they could have used condoms but they did not had he been really concerned about pregnancy.
    All that aside here is what I see.Your cowife for sure calls the shots and for all intense purposes is the mother of his kids which gives her authority over him.Bottom line she has the power to yank his chain and she is the one your husband answers to.This is at some point going to be a huge huge problem because he is under her now and I really don’t know where that leaves u except under her as well to be frank.If she don’t want him seeing u then unless she makes plans or is busy then I doubt u will get to see him very much I get the feeling.
    If and when u decide to move closer she is going to blow up I believe and fight him like crazy.U know better than me how she is going to react if u move closer but my feeling is she is not going to be at all happy.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited,

    We hear the same thing over and over from so many women who tell us what their husbands say to them. One can clearly see what is said is to pacify them. Your husband saying he only married her for the kid and to see the kid because she controls him with the kid, yet he goes out and get himself another kid by her is no blackmail. It’s just some bullsh1t he’s feeding you and you fall for it. He is where he wants to be and doing what he wants to do, so you really need to stop making excuses for him and stop making him appear to be an idiot victim.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited,

    When I said your parents would be well within their rights to take some action where your husband is concerned, I wasn’t speaking about your husband having committed adultery in the past. I could care less about anyone committing adultery other than to know that it is a serious offense and Allah will deal with the offender. I only address the adultery and fornication matter when the writers bring it to our attention. I prefer to leave that part alone. As I had said in previous posts the evidence needed to prove a person committed adultery rises to such a high level that it’s indicative that Allah wants to deal with it Himself. Of course, if a person has a child without being married, it’s sure enough evidence of fornication or adultery. But, it’s neither here or there, for me. I don’t really care that much, as long as I’m not the one doing it.

    I was referring to your parents having to sit back and watch your husband dog you out the way he is doing and you are so lackadaisical about it. It’s within your rights to be that way, if you want to be, but it doesn’t negate the fact that it hurts your parents to see it. Here you are a Muslim young lady with a Muslim husband who is giving his all and all to his Christian wife, and putting you on the back burner. It’s what I’m talking about. You and others here know me and know I wouldn’t tolerate any injustice in a mere schedule, if in a polygamous marriage. If he can’t treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated, we could divorce. One thing for certain, he would do right by me.

    It’s what fathers, brothers, uncles, wali’s, Muslim men are supposed to do – take care of the women. I won’t hesitate to call on my wali to get my husband right, if need be. It’s what I sensed your dad would like to do. No one could do anything if you’re willing to sit back and be subjected to injustices. Allah says when an injustice is done to us, we are not to be cowed but defend ourselves. It’s not as though you’re some old woman 80 years old or so who don’t have a need for a husband to be there for you and you give up your rights. It’s what’s I’m talking about…

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    Hello everyone, hope you all had a nice day.

    @Gail, you’re sure there isn’t any open wound or something? Your doctors really haven’t figured anything out by now? Have they tried a uterine wall scraping (to test the cells there)? Has anyone suggested a hysterosalpingogram? (dye-based x-ray of uterus) one of its uses is to look for any abnormalities or injuries inside there. Unless you’re bleeding from outside the uterus, the only other thing I can think of would be injury to the vaginal canal, but that should have been easily noticed by your doctors by now. I’m sorry to hear you are still having this problem . My own non-routine bleeding was because of an injury to the outside of the uterus and was taken care of with a chemical catuerization. I haven’t had any problems since that was done. I hope you’ll be able to get some relief soon with the best possible choice. A hysterectomy might be the final solution indeed if nothing else is making sense, and having to deal with all the wonky hormonal balance issues would be a trip after that too. Tough to be a woman, seriously.

    I think its really cute how you like the food over in Pakistan . Yeah, the “Pizza Heart” location was one of those knock-offs and since it was so late that day, we just ate there. We went to an actual Pizza Hut another day though, lol. The biggest difference I noticed was the bread (dough part?) Pizza Hut uses was different than the desi home-made type of pizzas like at “Pizza Heart.” Did you ever run across “HFC” when you were in Pakistan? “Halal Fried Chicken” the knockoff for KFC (which is also in Pakistan). There was one location on GT Road that we would always stop at, I actually liked their chicken burgers quite a bit! I find these stores kind of funny, like a little game to see what the store is supposed to be a copy of, lol.

    Oh, my parents don’t personally have a problem with my in-laws. My parents themselves say my in-laws are good people and my husband must have been a bad egg. My dad routinely calls and talks to my father-in-law for hours. Same with my mother. My parents actually prefer that I stay with my in-laws on my visits to Pakistan instead of with my uncles because they’ve seen that I’m very well taken care of, lol. So, its kind of confusing when my mom says she would do that and is just waiting for a divorce.

    Well, this is just my opinion, but I think my husband’s 2nd wife has a bug up her butt because she was expecting him to divorce me so she could get the benefits of legally getting residency, and of course the $$. And obviously I don’t think she ever considered polygamy, lol.

    Yeah, that’s what I thought. Its nice to hear that you’ve seen the revenge thing yourself. I don’t think anyone can be blamed, whether a person listens to someone else’s advice or not. There’s just no way to really know a person. Even my husband’s parents are befuddled and say they don’t understand his actions, and they raised him, lol. Stuff happens in life. In the end, I feel what matters is how you deal with it.

    @Ana, true enough there’s no need for a husband & wife to use protection, but do recall his first child was conceived while he was committing adultery and was NOT married to her. Had he used protection, he would 99% chance not be finding himself being bribed/blackmailed and would not have to work himself to the bone to provide for -now- two children and not having time for anything or anyone. So, there is that, in which sense, he should have used the brain in his head and protected himself and thereby also protected me from catching her STDs through him. And for the 2nd child, though he is married to her now, he did not want it and instead of taking simple precautions himself, he left it up to faulty thinking again. Have to say, I do not agree with you on this point.

    I’m glad you enjoyed the stories I shared 😀 You would probably have yourself a fun time if you ever went for a visit in that part of the world. It would be adventurous and scary and fun all at the same time, lol.

    One thing you mentioned, I don’t see how having a person physically hurt because they had an affair is within someone’s right. In our religion, flogging and not breaking bones is the prescribed punishment and then everyone is supposed to move on and let it go (correct me if I’m wrong, I haven’t looked it up anytime recently). I haven’t done any flogging, but I would say its high time to move on. Stewing about something never helps. My parents only seem to be hurting themselves and annoying me. Well, it’s something they have to work through on their own I guess. They’re mostly normal about everything else, so that’s fine. Still hard to understand them at times, but I guess that’s normal parents-children relationships lol

    I had a laugh at how you wrote about doctors! It was really quite funny “they ain’t cutting nothing out of me” You certainly stick to your guns! Can you imagine, there used to be a time when whatever ailed ya, the cure was to cut something out! That or leeches. Scary times to live in for sure. Related to the doctors thing, has anyone noticed that doctors seem to have gotten really lazy lately? Or is it just me? Whenever I go in for something, they pull out their phone or tablets and look up whatever symptoms you’ve told them and then tell you they’re gonna order this blood test or that test or here take this medication. Its an $800 – $1000 or so program/app that’s like a more thorough version of WebMD… maybe its high time to lower a doctor’s salary… Seriously though, I firmly believe that the only kind of doctor worth the money they make these days is a surgeon. What they do takes true education, practice and skill. What the general doctors are doing takes all of reading and comprehension of big words… Well, that’s just my take on it…

    Aaaanyways, I’m gonna turn in. Talk to you guys soon.

  • ummof4

    August 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, I went through menopause at 47. It was physically uneventful, no hot flashes. My husband says I did have serious emotional issues for about a year. I don’t remember, it was 15 years ago. However, my sister and a few of my close friends had the same bleeding problem you have. They all had hysterectomies because they were not worried about having any more children. It may not be for you, but it worked for them.

    Allahu Akbar.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    I had read in a homeopathic book that stress is a cause of uterine bleeding. It was said that some women repress their feelings and don’t cry, but their tears come out in the form of bleeding. They will cry one way or another. I thought it was heavy (deep). I know you have been under a tremendous amount of stress lately.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    Maybe someone out there in cyberspace knows of something that you could try, and will come forward. I don’t blame you for not wanting to have a hysterectomy and I know you certainly don’t want to go another six years hoping to go into menopause when some women are going into their 60s not reaching menopause yet, according to my gynecologist. You may have yourself a long wait. From what I understand, a hysterectomy will shoot you right into menopause.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Ana,
    I am at my wits in and I am seriously so tired of the bleeding everyday.Which makes matter worse I was on the depo shot which was hell BUT I did not bleed so it is like Dang what the crap. Online the have so many things but I have no luck.I have been using progesterone cream with no luck I would rub poop on me at this point if I thought it would make me stop bleeding.I really don’t want a hysterectomy but boy I know I can’t live like this either.I keep praying for menopause to happen but the docs r saying 51 is average and I can’t deal this for another 6 years.
    Maybe ummof4 has some ideas or some of the other ladies.
    One thing I have noticed if u have a stomachache get some kefer and drink it man that stuff works great.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I enjoyed reading about your holiday in Pakistan. I’m glad you had a very nice, enjoyable time. It was funny about “Pizza Heart” LOL Your family and in-laws seem like awesome people. It was such a sweet thing you did to help your little cousin out with the purchase of personal items, and pay with your money.

    About men using protection (condoms) while married, unless a husband and a wife agree he use one for a particular reason (medical or to prevent pregnancy), I can’t see that he’d have a need to wear it. A man and a woman should be able to enjoy the sexual experience without the husband wearing one. I wouldn’t think any man in a marriage would want to wear it. If the wife didn’t agree to him wearing it to prevent her from getting pregnant or for instance, she was on antibiotics which interfere with birth control pills, I’d imagine there would be a major altercation going on about why he was coming at her with that thing on.

    I totally understand how hurt and disturbed your parents are about your marriage. Yet, the conditions of your marriage is something you agree to or are tolerating, so their hands are tied. There is nothing they could do about it. I don’t blame your dad for having thoughts of what he’d have someone do to your husband, if your husband was in Pakistan. He’d be within his right to take action. Those are my thoughts about it.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    I can only suggest that you go online and research about some homeopathic remedies for it. I don’t put much credence in what doctors say. I thank God that over the years I didn’t listen to any of them, except for minor things. Doctors have told me that they could cut this and that out of me, but it may grow back. I look at them like they are crazy. Why in Hell would I go through, the time trouble and surgery to have something cut out that may come back. Needless-to-say, I didn’t listen to them. I live with whatever is in my body or die with it. They ain’t cutting nothing out of me. It’s my story and I’m sticking to it. They aint gonna radiate me, chemo me or anything like it.

    But, back to you, research online and see what you could try that seems sound.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Spirited,

    Sounds like u had a great trip and Yeah Pizza Hut is for sure different in Pakistan than USA no doubt but I like the pizza there and I feel good I am eating halal food.I was saying that is one of the best things about Pakistan u don’t have to worry because everything is Halal.It is very good u have a great relationship with your inlaws.Do your parents get upset that u go visit them and enjoy with them?
    I think it might annoy your parents when u go because they are so against your husband and his second wife.
    I also feel it is very bad your dad prays against your husband and his children.
    I just so much wish your cowife would chill out with u and embrace u as her cowife.You are so sweet and nice and can hold your temper I don’t know what her personal problem is u could be such a blessing to each other if only somehow your husband could bridge that gap esp.. for the sake of the children.
    If I was a man I would for sure push for my wives getting along with each other if I was birthing children with both of them.Children need stability and it is not right that u r not included and don’t even know his children that is just off the charts insane to me personally.He could make her agree by cutting her off financially and putting his foot down I really don’t see any other way that him to do this at some point in the game because I get the feeling even if u were to live next door to them she would scream at him and threaten to leave him etc.. if he saw u very much.So yeah for sure I see an issue in the future that he is going to have to address.
    As far as your parents from what I seen in my own inlaws yeah they don’t desire peace they desire revenge when someone does them wrong.My sister inlaw as u know has been divorced going on twice and revenge is all they speak of.I am like give it a rest already JESUS CHRIST! lol
    They take no blame on themself in picking wrong people and just blame the others which i find mind blowing because both boys I told them not to marry but they did not listen and now she is 2 times divorced

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    I am curious if any of u women on the blog have had dysfunctional uterine bleeding.I am 44 and I am at the point I am bleeding every day now.The doctor has put me on progesterone pills but I really don’t want to take them because I took the birthcontrol pills and ended up with tumors in each breast.I am very skeptical of taking hormone pills because of cancer issues esp since I have already had cancer recently.I am thinking there should be some herbs I could take or something.The doctors are really no freaking help to be honest.

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    Salaam gang,

    @Gail, as before, its his own stupidity for not using protection. I hear that many Pakistani men don’t like to anyways (or is that just men in general? lol). His reasoning this time was “oh she’s still breastfeeding, she won’t get pregnant.” I believe high school biology teaches even that much. Probably before that age these days… well, no one said he was particularly bright.

    What you brought up is definitely a plan of action I’ve thought of before. He’s been hinting it himself, but he doesn’t say anything outright, maybe he thinks I would find it insulting to suggest I move there. He was recently even talking about how much his work place pays for a specific profession that I’m aiming for, lol. I also am going to try to apply to a few schools in that state when the time comes, there’s at least 2 or 3 that offer the program I’m looking at in the same city. But first, I have to re-take old classes because apparently they had an expiration date — even though the program would be re-teaching the same material anyways…. My mom has also said maybe I’ll end up meeting someone during my educational pursuits, but I’m doing that for my own independence, not to hook up with someone.
    Its really not something I’m interested in because looking at it, sure it sucks that my husband isn’t around much and we haven’t had a family (yet). But its not a huge problem all the same. When we’re together, we have all the time to ourselves. He has never abused me, let alone insulted me, and as you might know Gail, many Pakistani men DO insult their wives (even if they never get physical) and if a wife has fertility issues, OH BOY…my husband has never said a mean thing to me, not once. He never makes me feel inferior or lacking (my parents do more than enough of that. They blame me for getting married late, they say I’m so incompetent that I haven’t even have kids, look at so-and-so already has a son, etc. etc.). He makes me laugh and we understand each other on a deep level, he sometimes seems to understand me or knows something is bothering me even before I can figure out why my mood is off myself, lol.

    My parents definitely do look down on practicing polygamy, as far as I can tell. It seems to be like how Ana has mentioned before — most muslims are fine with it in theory, but if faced with it in reality, they’re against it. It is possible my parents feel badly about the arranged marriage, but I think it’s more like they want “revenge.” They, and I, don’t think there’s anything wrong with an arranged marriage. I actually like the system itself. My dad often mentions that if only I would divorce my husband, they could get him kicked out of the States (he acts like he owns the right to allow or deny people into the US for some reason). And once he’s been thrown out of the country & back in Pakistan, my dad said he has people waiting to break my husband’s legs and other bodily harm to “teach him a lesson”. Since there’s general lawlessness in Pakistan, that may very well be true. My mother has said she would love to go and spread the knowledge of his adultery and smear his family’s name so they all suffer backlash in the community and may even be harmed (even though his parents and siblings aren’t responsible for his actions). My dad also prays daily for harm to befall my husband and his children — even after I’ve asked him hundreds of times never to make such a prayer to God. There is a state of being insulted or hurt, then there’s stuff like what they’ve said that is on a whole other level. Whatever injustices they feel my husband has done to THEM, that sort of response is never warranted, especially if the person directly influenced (me) isn’t taking a hard stance, why be all up-in-arms? That’s why I say I just don’t understand them. My husband says “let it go, they’re angry and they are parents. It’s fine. Allah knows what is what.”

    I prayed long, hard, and daily for God to set me up with whomever was best for me. I never had a preference or demanded to be married to this guy or that guy. I left it in God’s hands and I’m not going to just throw away an otherwise pleasant relationship just because of some mistakes made, especially since no one is perfect. Not just a great relationship with him, but a great relationship with my in-laws — which sounds like its rare with Pakistani in-laws. At times, I even find myself caring about my brothers & sisters-in-law more than my own siblings, lol. They STILL treat me like I’ve just been married into the family when I go visit, even though its been so many years! They give me the biggest portions when we’re eating, make sure I always have my favorite juices and fruits, buy me clothes without concern for the price (they budget their own clothes or make them at home), they try to stop me from doing housework (but I don’t stop 😛 ), the boys always make time to take me out (the sisters complain they never get to go out when I’m not around, lol), one of the girls insisted on sleeping in my room with me because she didn’t want me to be scared alone, and lots of other things. It really is awesome, they’re great people 🙂 My husband sometimes says, if he hadn’t been stupid, we would have had the perfect life. I tell him, maybe that’s why Allah put this in it so it’s not a perfect life, so ts not so bad, we’ll do the best we can 😀

    Gail, the trip was indeed murder as far as the heat goes. I’m still surprised I survived, lol, but they said the humid part of the summer was gone, so I was lucky. There was a wedding to attend, so that was fun. I spent some time with my uncle & cousins in Lahore too. Boy, that was really tough, it was so much hotter there. I think I took more showers during the 2 weeks I stayed in Lahore than the entire month and half with my in-laws lol. A really cute part of my stay with my cousins was one day when we went out, one of the girls needed to get some feminine products and underarm deoderant and she said its always awkward asking her dad or brother so we made a stop at a general store on our way back from “Pizza Heart” — lol oh that was a funny story too! My uncle was like “ok guys, today we will go have dinner at Pizza Hut! They have Pizza Hut in America?” I said yes, but we usually do not eat at Pizza Hut because we can’t be sure about it being Halal. So he said it would be a great one-time treat then because I haven’t had it and Pizza Hut is expensive in Pakistan. So, we go there and we see “Pizza Heart” and my uncle says “Heart…it’s…not the same thing is it…” everyone was laughing, and we tried it anyways. It was the usual kind of Pakistani fast food thing — desi pizza and chicken with soda. Not bad though. Anyways, so back to the general store. My cousin first asked if we could stop on the way back home but her dad said no, then I said I also wanted to pick up stuff anyway so we stopped and I bought her what she needed with my own money that my husband and dad had sent with me. That was also the only time I ever spent any of that money and I had to sneak-spend it at that (uncle said to use his money but I gave it to his daughter instead). In-laws didn’t let me spend anything, even buying $100+ wedding outfits themselves. I felt bad about that, but they wouldn’t listen Yikes, I think I might have rambled a bit, but I just remembered that stuff and thought it would be fun to share.

    @Ruqayyah, Ah it’s nice to hear from you too! You’ve grown emotionally and intellectually since I first met you, that’s for sure! Thank you for your compliments also! About my patience, I imagine it is all Allah’s doing. My parents often say they’re surprised too and they both say it would be impossible for them if they were in such a situation. My husband praises this quality about me as well. Oh but don’t misunderstand. I get angry, but I let it go or try to look at the bright side. There’s also the point about having many other things on my mind. I have a lot of things I like to dabble in and learn. Coding, photoshop, writing fiction, sewing, playing games & reading novels, taking care of my sister’s cat (I’m not sure how everyone in the house EXCEPT her ended up caring for the cat), of course my education and so on. Alot of times, I can’t even remember that I was ever angry at anything soon after whatever it was that made me angry. My husband seems to use this quality to his advantage many times, sometimes he reminds me himself that I was supposed to be angry at him, lol. I also know that its no good to speak when you’re angry because a person tends to get high strung and might say things they really regret and don’t mean to say.

    BUT, there are times when I get really, really angry AND frustrated. Then its gloves off, lol. That’s only happened about 4 times as far as anyone remembers (2 times at my husband, lol). He sometimes acts afraid of pushing me to that point, it’s funny. Most of my cousins think I don’t have that emotion at all (anger), my usual responses to things that are meant to incite anger being “not interested” and “whatever” they do think that I’m a sneaky instigator of dirty jokes and general fun times instead though, lol. Whenever we get the “right” people amongst us cousins together, everyone else is holding their stomachs in laughter, dying for air, and running to the bathroom before they wet themselves — it’s alot of fun 😀

    Anyways, that kind of went off in a tangent too. I guess the best thing is to think about whether getting angry and fighting is worth it. If you’re dealing with a person who is like a wall, they aren’t going to change no matter how much you argue. You’re just wasting your breath on them. On the other hand, if you stay mellow and calm, the other person usually realizes they’re wrong (even if they don’t, my motto — do right for yourself. if they don’t care, that’s on them). I think you’re correct, that my general personality makes my husband see that he should be doing more, but for random reasons is unable to at this time. Like you said, its good that he tries and cares. Its not ideal, but its not all that bad. I guess that’s one of the reasons he says there’s no one else on the planet like me and he doesn’t want to lose me if he can help it. So that’s the way things are, despite the downs, I think there’s still lots of nice ups. I’ve often heard of Life being described like that even in a “normal” monogamous marriage. No harm no foul, as I see it.

    Well, talk to you guys later. I hope I was able to make you guys smile a bit too 😀 Have a good day everyone!

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    So, your daughter is a big, whopping 12 years old today. Happy Birthday to her. She’s growing up to be quite a lovely, young lady.

    I get what you mean about wanting your children to learn to be self-sufficient. My older sister and her husband want the same for their three children. All of their children, as we speak, are getting set up in their own apartments. My sister and my brother-in-law are moving to North Carolina to retire in 10 days and leaving the children and grandchildren behind. Two of their children are in Connecticut and the other one is in Boston. It should be interesting, to say the least.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree she is totally into him and his smooth talking ways.I feel bad for her as I think African American woman do have it harder in our culture to find a decent African American Black Man statistically speaking.Now I maybe wrong here but I think so many really nice African American woman are looking and having a hard time finding good faithful husbands that if a man comes at them promising a better life they jump and logically speaking I don’t blame them but the problem is alot of them are jumping from frying pan to the fire(or however that saying goes) I noticed this with my own African American sister inlaw.She wanted husband so bad that when my brother inlaw start talking to her he had her agreed to marry him within like 1 week.I spoke with my husband a year online and via phone skype u name it before I could make up my mine but I was very scared him being from Pakistan and I would have to actually fly there.Still I say I was crazy to do it but I got my kids out of the deal so in that respect it was worth for in my case as I am all about my kids as your know.
    Today is my daughters birthday she is 12.She started her womanly cycle this week as well so it has been a huge week for my daughter.lol She is just the cutest thing.I tease her and tell her she acts like a dumb blond.(She actually has blond hair)so I love teasing her when she screws up.Honestly though all kidding aside that little girl has been such a blessing to me.She helps me cook and helps sell icecream on the truck so I can drive and she sells.I have decided to homestead(small farm) and her and I are going to learn this thing together and plant fruit and nut trees as well come next season.Raise chickens,garden etc…I have this strong desire for my children to learn to be sufficient after my husband and I are gone.I am trying to make them a life where they don’t have to work for other people and work for themselves in Real Estate and enjoy their lives.Lets see how this is going to work out.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 21, 2015

    @Spirited its nice to hear from you. I don’t get where you find the patience to be so cool and collected. I wish I had the chance to spend a week with you, I’m very argumentative and easy to get frustrated its only later I think about it I realise I over reacted. I think its a really good trait you have because Allah’s will will be whethet we kick scream and fight or whether we take it all in calmly. I think it causes your husband to feel badly that you just accept it for what it is, he knows you’re missing out and feels badly about it. Its good he tries when he can.
    I do hope your situation eases up soon and you getto be closer to him if thats what you desire.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think “American Girl” is going to have to learn the hard way. Sigh All I can say is, we can’t escape our fate. If it’s meant for her to get her feelings hurt and go through a thing, no one can prevent it. Right about now, she is following the lust of her heart. She’s really into the guy and there is no stopping her.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Spirited,

    Well u could have blown me down with a feather when I read that she went and got herself pregnant again.I think u r doing the right thing by going to school and focusing on your own life.I feel like this at some point in your life u may not be able to keep going with your type of Polygamy setup but as long as u r doing emotionally fine then I don’t see a problem in it.
    I am curious though after college is done have u given any thought to moving closer to him so that u 2 can see more of each other or will u stay close to your parents?
    As far as your parents are concerned I think they just really don’t like polygamy as they never practiced polygamy so it is kinda understandable that they take it personally that he cheated on u and he is making a family with someone else.Since this was an arranged marriage they are blaming themselves and it is totally understandable.I am sure in your family circle and friends it is very troublesome and shameful for them because they picked that boy for u and I am sure some bold people have told them that they picked very bad or something along those lines but I get it why they feel shamed.
    I honestly think that either u will eventually move closer to be with him or u will end up later on down the road meeting someone else and asking for divorce but u will have to play it out to see how all this ends up.
    I hope u had a nice visit in Pakistan.I bet u burned your butt up there with it being summer and power outages.

  • Gail

    August 21, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah If I was a betting person which I am not but if I was I would bet that American Girls Pakistani man is playing her big time.I hope she doesn’t get mixed up with all that Jazz.

  • Spirited

    August 21, 2015

    Salaam and hello everyone ~

    @Ummof4 and Gail and everyone else, thank you guys 🙂 Sorry I made you worry or miss me too long. I was away in Pakistan for about a month and half, then I had some family staying with us here for about a month which kept me busy and then I was busy signing up for classes and sending another few applications to something that if I get in (Insha’Allah), would start next Sept., so you could say I’ve been a bit pre-occupied (and then lazy when I wasn’t, lol).

    I was actually following along on the blog for a bit, but I missed a few months’ worth of conversation 🙁 In any case, I have jumped back in, yay!

    So let’s see, my husband is done with school now, graduated and has gotten a job in his 2nd wife’s state. Meaning he’s pretty much moved over there. He also has another child with her, which he said was unplanned (well, who knows). And that about covers it for what’s new with me.

    @Gail, I also wanted to say you made a very good point when you were speaking with Jasmina, and its something I have actually felt myself. You said you feel like you’re single because your husband works all day and you don’t really spend much quality time with him. Its actually much the same case on my end. Obviously mine is not even in the same state (though he texts morning and at night and calls too sometimes), but even if he was here, he’d be gone at work all the time anyway, because that’s just how he is. I checked his work schedule (got it from his employer) and most days he is working from 8am to 10pm. Some days its a bit different, but he says he doesn’t even get to relax and use the bathroom.

    This month, he’s been taking sundays off (but staying there) because his 2nd wife has been b–tching at him that he spends no time with them. He hasn’t come home to spend any time with me yet either, but I don’t whine at him about it. Still, he tries to tell me “oh she’s always complaining” and blah blah blah and she’s his problem, I don’t care, but I do let him vent so that’s fine. The most recent phone call we had, he said he wished he could clone himself and leave one of him with her and one of him would be with me, lol.

    I think he may be planning to come home for a day or two next month. He’s also giving me a car to use as a daily driver for school commute. Its a 60 mile drive daily and I told him I didn’t want to put all those miles on our car since I start back with classes next month, and that car is important to me. Its nice of him to do this, because I could have used my dad’s old car which isn’t being used by anyone right now, but he says the old car is pretty old and kind of unsafe and he would rather I use something better.

    My parents are still worried/upset in their own ways. My father is thinking I’ll be “alone” my whole life and my mother is more concerned about “how it looks in the community” (huh). Apparently, him being an adulterer brings shame on my parents too (even though he’s not their son). I’m not sure what my mom is on about, but . Could there be someone better out there for me? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know, but I don’t feel any need to look. Maybe that’s weird, but I’m not too bothered by all this. My parents both also seem to think my husband is “proud” of his actions, even though he has repeatedly said he wishes he could go back in time or things like “I wish I had never met her” or “I wish I’d never gotten us into this mess” and so on. Just yesterday when I sent him a picture of a beautiful sky with the sun’s rays peeking through the clouds, he sent a sad message back, apologizing again. I mostly tell him not to get depressed about it and do his best.

    I’m going to be busy anyways so I don’t feel it to be much of a concern that he isn’t around. Insha’Allah, I’ll be set into a good career in a few years and we’ll see the rest from there. I’m finally not worrying too much about children — as we all know — what is meant for us can’t be taken away by anyone and what isn’t meant for us can’t be given by anyone. So, I’m focusing on what I CAN affect and leaving the rest alone. When he finally admitted about his 2nd child (he was hiding that too — scared of upsetting or depressing me, he says), I didn’t feel anything at all. Not upset, or happy for him. I suppose after the shock of the secret affair and 1st baby and not ever expecting something like this from someone raised in a Muslim country, nothing he does affects me as much. I think I’ve lowered my expectations regarding him and that works just fine, lol.

    Its like I’ve always said to myself — Do good on your end but don’t expect anything in return. If someone does good back, great! If not, no worries, you did your part — what they do is on them. My personal philosophy ever since the latter part of elementary school when I was severely bullied.

    Alrighty, I’m gonna call it a night! Lots of love and remember to keep me and my educational endeavors in your prayers

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    About American Girl, I thought the same as you when she said the guy whom she loves, his wife doesn’t want any children. When she said it, I immediately sat up and took notice. A red flag went up that something isn’t right. It is unusual for a woman from those countries to not want children. For many of them, it’s their purpose in life – to marry, have a husband and children. So for her to not want to have them for her husband, even if not for her self, doesn’t sound right to me. But, who knows?

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2015

    @Jasmina,

    I second what Gail said, and can’t think of anything much to add. It doesn’t seem to me that polygamy is the problem in your marriage. You are simply unhappy with your life and your husband. You don’t feel his love and you want more. So, you need to make your intention on what you will do, and take it from there…

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Jasmina,

    The reason I am encouraging u to maybe consider staying with your husband and not divorcing is because of your child or children.I think u said u had a child.Look second husbands or the most part make aweful stepdads.U will be trading one set of problems for another later on down the line so my thinking is unless he is beating u or not feeding u then there is a chance to get the life u desire without divorcing.

  • Gail

    August 20, 2015

    Jasmina,
    I can’t really remember your story and what is going on with u in your life but it sure sounds like u r really depressed and disgusted with your current situation.
    I am sorry u don’t feel like your marriage is going to work out.I have been married 12 years and i feel like u do most of the time.I tell my husband all the time I feel like a single woman.My husband comes in at 10pm and out again by 9 am.I don’t like the set up and I myself am working on dealing with it like I am going to buy an RV next year start going on road trips across the country with my kids.It is going to be a blast.I don’t really have interest anymore to have a love relationship with a man so I have decided to devote my time to my kids and make sure they have the best childhood I can give them.I want to look back with no regrets.
    I think my husband has a slight mental disorder in the fact that he insist on not telling his parents to go back to Pakistan.I don’t say this is be cold hearted but the fact is they live with us we pay everything while they work here and send all money back to pakistan.I would not mind if they stayed it they financially helped out but the fact is they do not and I have kids to raise and put through college and I am not really interested in raising 2 old people that I don’t give a flying flip for.Sooo I told my husband straight do not expect me to deal his parents in the future because I am not going to do it.If he wants to sit and wipe their @sses he can be my guest but the kids and I are going to tour the country and enjoy our lives and he can sit with his aging parents.
    Again I don’t mean this in an insulting way but they have never been kind to me and have always taken clear advantage of me so they can bite me as far as I am concerned.
    Hubby is in for surprise because his kids r turning against him.I see it by how they talk about him and dismiss anything he says straight to his face.
    They have zero interest in him because he never gives them time.
    The funny thing is he blames me that I am turning them against him but the truth is he is doing a great job of that himself without my help.
    I do want to say marriage is tough and that is a fact.Husbands can be total jerks and your life can feel very lonely alot of the time when it should not but if u have kids with him then think long and hard before u go running out on your marriage.Here is the thing life changes every single day and what u feel today as a deal breaker might not seem so bad tomorrow.
    If I were u I would sit down make a list of everything that is bothering u and then sit your hubby down and in a calm way tell him the things that r bothering u and u r expecting to see change ASAP. U can go over your list here and we can tell u if u r being reasonable or not and guide u.It is something to think about if u thought it might help.

  • jasmina

    August 20, 2015

    I am prepping myself to leave. I cannot take the hurt anymore. i really did take the advice about focusing on Allah more and I have certainly done more of that. I still cannot help myself from feeling the pain of having a husband that never tells me he loves me, he doesn’t spend quality time with me. He eats and sleeps with me, that the only time we spend, he would rather spend his free time at the masjid or with friends or who knows probably the 2nd. I feel like a single mother. he won’t go anywhere with me, even though I am not a secret wife, I sense he doesn’t want to be seen with me. He is not affectionate and he doesn’t do anything to show me his love for me. In 7 months he bought me 1 small gift and took me out for a drive twice. other than that he doesn’t spend his time with me at home after work or weekends. He criticises me all the time with my parenting and makes me feel less than him in a very indirect way because I am not Arab and don’t speak arabic. I have no self esteem and no confidence. My love for him is starting to fade. I can no longer keep it up and want to leave even though I know that will not make me any happier either.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2015

    Here is an interesting video in which a couple in the State of Montana (United States) went to apply for a Marriage License while he is legally married to another. I’m sure they expected it to be denied, nonetheless, they took a stance.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I don’t think your post made you sound crazy – no more crazy than the rest of us. The ones who think they aren’t crazy are usually the crazy ones. About not liking your husband sometimes. I understand it’s quite common for women in marriages. I read about it in one of Dr. Gray’s books about men and women and their differences. Women fluxuate in their feelings towards their spouses. So, you’re very normal. I have to get back to you. I wrote this quickly.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2015

    @Ina, As Salamm Alaikum,

    I would not ask the co to forgive you, if I were you.You only need to ask Allah to forgive you, and make you strong , so you don’t repeat the behavior. I wouldn’t ask the co diddly frigging squat, other than to leave you alone.

  • ummof4

    August 18, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, it’s good to hear from you. As others have said, please ignore what your husband’s other wife is trying to do to you. It was wrong for you to call her bad names, only because Allah has told us not to do so. Please ask Allah to forgive you and ask her to forgive you as well. Don’t let anyone take you to their low level of behavior, that’s just making Shaytan happy with you.

    Also, her family probably already knows about her behavior before marriage. They knew that she was spending private time with your husband before they were married. It would just make you look like a spiteful, jealous woman if you told them the gory details.

    It’s time you told your family that your husband has another wife. They are going to find out sooner or later, and they need to find out from you. Why are you afraid of telling them? What would they do? Tell you to divorce him? Stop being nice to him? When my family, none of whom are Muslim, were told that my husband had a second wife, one of my sisters said that he could never step foot in her house again and she would not speak to him. I told my sister that if my husband could not step foot in her house, then my children and I would not either. After a few years, my sister called to apologize to us. But I stood by my husband because he had done nothing wrong by marrying another wife. We are a close family and my sister missed spending time with her sister and her nieces and nephews.

    Everyone remember Allah often today. Thank Him and praise Him.

  • Gail

    August 18, 2015

    Mari2,

    I totally agree with u about number 2 could u imagine having to live under such a controlling woman for the rest of your life?
    Oh my just thinking of your crazy controlling MIL listening outside your bedrooms to see if u r having sex.LOL

  • Mari2

    August 18, 2015

    M’s 16 year old sister broke her engagement recently. Her fiancé by all respects was a nice guy. He’s in the UK earning his degree. Wedding was going to be soon, with him to return to his studies after and she to go live at her own MILs home with 3 SILs. M’s sis was all gung ho for the marriage until after M married 2. Once 2 arrived at the home of MIL, and the novelty of a wedding wore off, M returned to the states, 2 cries all the time to go home and laments agreeing to the marriage etc. Suddenly M’s sister got cold feet. After much crying and begging she was released from her engagement. Not without some serious verbal backlash from family members. M had to refund fiancé’s family money as well. But I do like his youngest sister and I am very proud of her for choosing her own sanity over cultural duty and an engagement foisted on her at age 13.

  • Mari2

    August 17, 2015

    In fact the trials and tribulations with her in the present has made me far more sympathetic to the situation of number 2 who is not even permitted to visit her own family unless MIL gives approval. I am ever thankful to Allah that I do NOT have to live under the largess and scrutiny of such a person as her. I thank Allah for opening my eyes.

  • Mari2

    August 17, 2015

    @ana and Gail,
    I am not upset about M leaving with mom. In fact, right now I feel lighter and more at peace with life than I have in the past few months since MIL arrived back here. And while M may be in a separate room per his mother’s request, he and I still have marital relations. I walk into his room as I wish and he into mine. She may yell about afterwards but in that he listens to her less. Whatever may come is but Allah’s will. I just have to continue to put my focus on HIM. All I know is that their leaving brings me peace at this point.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 17, 2015

    @Ina I suggest you not retaliate when co messages u. I’m sure it would be difficult but as you can assume she is all for attention and upsetting you the best revenge is to not let yourself show her you’re upset. Maybe you could have sent a little duaa (prayer) to her asking Allah to bless her pregnancy, you may have been fake in that writing but eventually it will help your.mindset the more you allow yourself to be angry the angrier you will get.
    Im sure you were preparing for te day she fell pregnant and 6 weeks is super early anything can happen (although I hope it doesn’t ) it would be no surprise that your husband didn’t inform you if he did keep it a secret, why cause hurt when the pregnancy is still in such early stages?

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    I just put up this incredible video by a brother-in-faith. It is soooooo intense. Please watch it. It is only 6 minutes long. The link is:

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back soon to read the posts I’ve missed. More power to the people LOL

  • Ruqayyah

    August 17, 2015

    I just read over the last comment and I feel crazy hahaha I KNOW how crazy my concerns are because these things aren’t happening. But they were before, I was out each day for 12 hours and he was considering taking on a stay at home mum. I felt we were working towards a good future for us. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is what it is. I think I need to talk to him to get some reassurance and just discuss his feelings on the entire topic. And then forget about it, Allah’s will will be done and He will provide the best situation for us. And there is no need to think of situations that MAY happen because there are thousands of situations that could happen… our plans are best for our family right now. And if anything changes we will just need to discuss them then.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 17, 2015

    @Ummof4, I knew my bad traits for a while and I used to play on them to punish him. Sometimes I really don’t like him, I’m sure it’s shaytaan as he is a good husband with some flaws. I am struggling that for the 1st time in my marriage where I felt I could really trust him and I felt our marriage was a good, strong, open and honest one he had a wife behind my back while promising me he would tell me. It really cuts deep, it’s the 1 thing I am struggling with right now. Each day is such a struggle as I feel he gets off without any reprocussions. But I know things didn’t work out as he hoped and it hurts him, his wife left him and I’m sure that hurts him too. Now he’s left with me and my mood swings are CRAZY lol, but I am trying. Yesterday he hurt me because we were discussing him going back to school and I mentioned I would find it unfair if I was working full time and his new wife got to stay at home with him. He shrugged it off and said it was no big deal, but the whole time I have stayed at home he has complained and complained and made some pretty negative comments. I’m feeling a bit down about it today, will need to talk to him about it. It’s not so much that I will want to control the other wife in this instance but more that I want to be at home part time, and I miss my family when I am working full time, I guess I’d be a little jealous that she is getting more time with my husband and babies and I’d be off alone at work :'( The crazy part is I can feel the emotions like its actually happening but it’s not, I keep trying to pull my mind away from that feeling but I can’t just yet.
    I study at the moment and hopefully soon will have a baby but not yet. Other than that I try to keep up with my islamic studies and going out with friends.

    My mind goes from being a-okay with what has happened and then plummeting down feeling mad at my husband. I feel a big distance between us at times, I feel he should be more understanding of my feelings but sometimes he says mean and hurtful things or he acts as if the way I feel is completely stupid. It’s pretty hard to know how to keep acting nice to him sometimes. I do love him, and I know the good outweighs the bad. He is a good husband BUT I get caught up in the hurt he has caused me and its hard to see past that. I pray Allah makes me better at it so that I don’t become ungrateful to my husband and more importantly Allah. He told me the other day that I will be the 1st to know next time and that he wants to ensure her and I get along, but I’m not counting on it. I don’t believe him, and that hurts because I was counting on him keeping his promises. THIS is my problem, I shouldn’t be counting on him at all. He is human and will let me down. But I can’t help but feel stupid for believing anything he says anymore at the same time I don’t want to not be able to trust him… I just need to keep praying that Allah gives us a good situation. I’m thinking the pain is coming from me not being able to pray night prayers as much right now, the medication I am taking makes me so tired that by isha time I am exhausted and I am so tired throughout the day.

    I am pretty grateful we have this support system alhamdulilah, I don’t think I could have made any progress if it weren’t for this blog and a few other friends I have in polygamy. No one seems to get it so it’s nice to have a place to come to where the 1st comment you get isn’t “How do you deal with jealousy?”.. jealousy is not a problem if the husband learns to keep his mouth shut and the wives keep close to Allah. Writing it out is theraputic I might go buy a journal today and just write down whatever I’m feeling, but I’m scared the husband will end up reading it.

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Ana,

    Yeah for sure I have struggled with polygamy and came out on the other side a winner i feel.I learned so much through the process about myself as a spiritual person and that polygamy is not the end of the world.I actually miss my cowife and feel sorry for her because she is missing out on our lives.If I could go back to Polygamy today I would in a heart beat because I feel very strongly it is better than living the way I feel now feeling bad that she is missing out on our lives.I know she was not accepting polygamy in the past but as people get older they change and grow and desire peace instead of fighting in most cases I think now that she is in her 30s she would understand much better.It is sad in my case because she lost out on being a mom and helping me out simply because she saw me as the enemy.

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Ina,
    Hey U why u not posting so much??? I read your post and sometimes I want to ring your neck lol.Why on earth u let that girl bother u is beyond me.Ok so she is pregnant big deal it was bound to happen sooner than later since she is trying to drive u insane.I truly don’t know why u still play into her nonsense at this point because all u r doing is hurting yourself.I suggest u leave that little witch alone and do not think about her at all is my sincere advice.Let her pop out 10 kids thinking she is spiting u.U and I know kids r not easy to raise and she is fixing to get a real wake up call here in about 8 months.lol May her child be demanding and self centered like it’s mother and scream alot at her so she pays for her raising as they say hahahaha

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes u would think it would make him feel inferior or like a dumb@$$ to be frank but NOOOOOO they find it more empowering like their mother has their best interest at heart because in there mind their mother/parents are their G.Ds understand? One of my friends from India he told me that India Hindu people actually have a mindset that their parents are G.Ds to their children because they the parents created them.Pakistan became independent from India only about 50 yrs ago so u r talking same mindset basically.I don’t know It is some really strange backwards concepts if u ask me.I believe in respect and all that but once u r grown and married knowone has the right to interfere in your marriage but these people don’t just interfere they flat dictate/run your entire marriage and if the kids don’t go along then they r showing at the very least disrespect and at most they will not get into Paradise/heaven because they believe heaven is under their mothers feet.Sooo there u goooo! lol

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Mari2,

    I feel what u r going through on a very personal level and I am watching how they r treating u and I d@mn angry about it to be frank.I see myself in you and what u r going through and although I saw all this coming at u when u said he would marry his cousin knowing they would start treating u nasty sooner or later since it happened with me I pretty much assumed it would also happen with u as well because these people operate that way.
    My FIL at one time flat told me on my face that if he told his son to divorce me he would.From that day until this day I would not P!$$ on that old man or my MIL if they were on fire to be frank.
    In my case I have to see my children’s future like college and getting decent jobs etc.. and I am almost 45 now with no intentions of remarrying and starting all over again.This may sound pathetic on my part but in all honesty I am done with the whole concept of loving a man to complete me notion.I want to focus on raising my children and traveling and working hard to provide a decent future for them.The truth is I basically live my life like a single woman and pretty much have throughout this entire marriage but esp the last 3 yrs.Even though I am back to living monogamy it feels as though i am mainly single.My husband is just not there for me mentally or physically most of the time.
    I don’t hope anymore that it will get better I just live with it now.
    Your husband is showing his true colors to be sleeping in your sons room.My gut tells me he is not coming near u because him and his mother is trying to break u mentally and taking sex from u is his way to do it.DO not show your anger to them it will just feed them more and they will laugh at u from my experience.Act like u r not affected by there idiot ways understand.What your husband is doing is a tactic and he will try to mix back up with u because he really has no intentions to leave.They r children throwing a fit to be frank and that is why u r not seeing him packing or doing anything to get ready to leave.Now I am not saying he will not leave because if u r not making any moves toward him and backing down to eat crow/his crap then for sure they will leave.I will tell u this much do not give in to them and stay strong and don’t show anger to him because anger to them means u still care just chill and let them walk and that way u get the upper hand in the long run understand?In the long run he will know u r not going to play into his mind games and I would suggest u once u get that old woman out of your home never let her back in is my serious advice.I am not saying this to be cruel to the old woman but u know u can not deal their culture and she is an old dog that u can’t teach to accept your culture so better u draw a line that will not be crossed so u can live a peaceful life.I am saying all this because I know u should be mentally upset right now because u have invested so much time into this marriage just to get this $hitty outcome which is so suck.Stay strong and don’t let them see your weakness.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    @Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It has been a long time no hear from you. I’m glad you have still been reading here regularly. 🙂

    You were probably waiting for the day he or she’d announce that she is pregnant. She’s got her work cut out for her. It’s all good. The hubz may welcome his time with you away from a newborn baby and her nagging LOL. He’ll get less attention from her, now that the baby will consume a lot of her time. She could kiss her alone time with him goodbye. LOL

    I’d suggest you not tell her family anything that she’s done in the past. Do you think they’d really care? It’s not as though you’re telling them that she’s prostituting herself or shooting up heroin. She’s done some uncool stuff. Big whip. We all have. The sinful, nasty acts the co-wives do to the others seem monumental to the wives they are done to (sending the nasty, porn pics and texts). Others really don’t care that much about it. Her family loves her, and are bound to overlook any wrong she’s done. Whether Allah has forgiven her is all that really matters. I’m just saying it so that you could save yourself the humiliation, as well. Her family may look at you unfavorably for bringing the trash to them. I really don’t know why you’d hide the fact that your husband has another wife??? Oh, well…

    Your co is a feisty little something. She’s still quite young. and feeling her oats. Don’t bother to get in the ring with her. She’s not worth the fight.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    Gail,

    I think it would turn my stomach to watch it, as well. It just seems so unnatural. It seems like it would be emasculating for the men.

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Ana,
    I live basically the same exact way Mari2 lives as well.I may in some ways have it even worse than her because both my husbands parents live with us and I watch him jump through hoops and be controlled by them and his older brother.It is disgusting to watch to say the least.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    Mari2,

    I don’t know how in the world you do it – how you handle a man who lets his mom rule his life. It’s a sad state of affairs. Some of those men are really massively screwed up. It may be BEST for you to get up out of that marriage (if it pleases Allah). You’ve got way more going for you than it. I know it’s going to be difficult for you to cut the tie because divorce, from what I understand, hurts whether the parties agreed to it and wanted it or not. It involves severing the ties that bind. You hang in there, my friend. You can do this – move on, if you need to, and have some sanity in your life. If you stay in that mess, you could go stark raving mad.

  • Ina

    August 17, 2015

    Assalamualaikum,

    It’s been a long time since I last wrote but I have been reading the blog regularly. It’s just been tough few months and it looks like things will get tougher still.

    A few days ago, co-wife emailed me to let me know she is 6 wks pregnant. She thought I should know because she didn’t like the way hubby was trying to hide the baby from me. Hubby was not trying to hide anything from me but did ask her not to contact me so she did. Just so typical of her. As soon as she gets any ammunition to shoot at me, she can’t wait to fire the bullets.

    I decided to email her back, called her a few names (pathetic, self-centred, b!tch). Told her her so called repentance was a joke if this is how she continues to behave. Threatened to tell her family about her sins if she continues to hassle me and ask her not to call hubby at my house when he refuses to answer her calls on his mobile phone. I just want her to leave me alone.

    Instead of backing off, she replied by threatening to tell my family about hubby’s 2nd marriage. I was tempted to tell hubby’s family about her before and now she has given me every reason not to hold back.

  • Mari2

    August 17, 2015

    Salam,
    I can honestly say from my heart that my issues with living with M and MIL are not centered around polygamy. In fact, with all the agitation I’m dealing with now, I often forget he has a second. They are supposed to be leaving but M doesn’t seem like he’s doing any prep. In the meantime he’s sleeping in the room I keep for my son because mommy said to be separated. Just go already.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You said it’s hard to remember and you lash out at your hubz because of the pain, I know what you mean. What you’re going through is part of the process of getting to acceptance. It sounds you very much want to accept Allah’s decisions and let go of the control that you think you need to have. Insha Allah, you’ll get there in time. You’re struggling and pushing through it. You have to keep wanting to and not give up. Continue to be relentless in reaching your goal. Keep asking Allah to allow you to surrender to Him. Be patient. It will happen in Allah’s time. Allah will do right by you and your husband. He is a “Just” God. He is never unjust to any of His servants. Hang tough…

    @Gail,

    I kept thinking about your post, how you said to Zarifa that back then when you were in a polygamous marriage, you lost your mind. You made a mountain out of a mole hill. You realize how silly it all was. You and I were in the same boat. It was all so yesterday and at times I can’t remember those days. I have to try to remember.

    I can’t say enough to the other people out there who are going through it that it is a process. Nonetheless, the women in it can come out winners and life for them could be better than it’s ever been before. They have people like us that can let them know they aren’t alone, let them know what to expect and that in time things could change for the better if they do the right thing.

    I’m glad to have had a chance to remake the blog. It was one of the best things that could have happened – to get a new beginning, to leave the past that was written in those older blog posts behind. I was able to close the door that chapter of my life. How incredibly awesome to be able to do so.

    God is great!

  • ummof4

    August 17, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ruqayyah, I’m glad that you can recognize your own personality traits and can work on improving the good ones and keeping the bad ones in control or eliminating them. You are still young compared to some of us, and I can remember those days when my emotions got the best of me, and how I had to fight my feelings. You’re further along than I was at your age. I did not have a human support system like this blog, which is a blessing to us all, Alhamdulillah.

    I forgot, do you have children yet? How do you spend your days? Studying, going to school, working?

    Everyone enjoy the lives that Allah has given us and live them in the correct way worshipping Him, because we don’t know when He will end any of our lives.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 17, 2015

    @Ana I was not offended I know coming on here I am going to get all sorts of opinions on my marriage and I just needed a few days to think them through before I spoke on it. I was more.offended you called me a control freak (yes my own words) because I am one hahaha. I was finally starting to let go and let him lead because I trusted that he would tell me, and now that he didn’t Im fighting the urge to let him be himself again. This time I’m trying to do it in the belief that Allah will do right by me instead of my husband. I’ve let him know how Id like it to go but we’ll see what happens, it will be for the best whatever it is just some days its so hard to remember that and I lash out at him because I am in pain.
    I am disappointed in the past situation but ive got to find the good and move forward.

    My hubs has only ever been half assed in his searches, people know he is open to a 2nd wife and theylet him know when a woman is looking too. He was searching hard before but I think it was due to the hurt of his other wife leaving. It hurt him a lot. He let me.know he misses having 2 wives but he’ll let it come naturally as pushing it is stressful. Anything is stressful in my opinion hehe. I’ve got a lot going on in my head but I guess I’ll discuss it another day if I need to. 🙂

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2015

    @Gail & Ruqayyah,

    I like the posts you both wrote to Zarifa. You both made some very, very good points. Gail, I liked that you asked Zarifa what exactly she was praying to Allah to help her friend with. It was a very good question.

    I like that you said the friend could either view the husband’s marriage negatively or positively. Some women actually think they could have a negative view of their situation when in a polygamous marriage and, at the same time, think their lives will get better. It simply doesn’t work that way. They wonder why after several years they are still in a crap place, yet their attitude and views about polygamy and their live never changed. Their lives won’t miraculously change without them making a change in themselves.

    Isn’t it amazing that a woman could go through a living Hell in the beginning phase of a polygamous marriage only to come out stronger, happier, and an amazing person?

    @Ruqqayah,

    Thank you very much for not getting upset with Gail or me for us voicing our thoughts about your marriage

    I’m glad your hubz has taken a break from searching for a while. I pray you have a speedy recovery, and are back to your old (rather young) self again soon. Things happen for reasons none of us know, but Allah. It’s all good. Feel better!!!

    I like the analogy that you gave -that your mother-in-law did not like you taking her son from her, and was in pain. You knew it and married him anyhow because you knew it would be best for you. I think the scenario is just as important as the woman who marries the man who is already married. In either case you, nor the woman who married second did a thing wrong. No one is expected to do without or put their lives on hold just because another person can’t cope. There would be no polygamy, if a woman had to wait until another woman felt no pain before she married the man. It’s not like the women who married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th has done something haram in accepting the marriage offer.

    Oh, Gail, it certainly is amazing that once a woman gets past the living Hell phase of her husband being married to someone else, she settles in and realizes just how silly she had acted. Polygamy is quite simple once one settles into the idea and realizes what it is all about. It’s a beautiful thing. Life is a journey…

  • Ruqayyah

    August 17, 2015

    @Zafirah we 1sts only hurt as much as we allow ourselves to hurt. Yes it hurt me when I found out my husband wanted another wife but over the years I’ve gotten stronger and while I’ve had a few slip ups and bad days since he remarried (and divorced) I am much happier most days. I recognise our marriage for what it is and don’t blame him wanting another wife for our problems, our problems are due to communication or other issues so “surviving” polygamy has allowed us to address those issues. Your friend will be okay inshaAllah, it is devastating at the beginning but its not the end of the world. When I got married I knew it hurt my mother in law, she finally had her son back after years of issues with her ex only to have him marry ad leave. I knew it hurt her I knew she was against it but I still married him because I knew he was good for me. It didn’tmean I didnt care about my mother in law, we now have a pretty good relationship and I still sense how she misses her son but she sees how happy he is. Of COURSE a mans wife is different and will feel a different kind of pain but the wife coming in has similar feelings, she can care for the 1stwife and not intend to harm her but still feels the marriage is beneficial for herself. She doesn’t intend to harm the1st wife.

    @Gail and Ana, I think the issue is moreso my control problems. I can’t get over the fact that we spoke so much about him telling me and he promised me for years and reassured me that I will know only to have him do it his way. I am struggling to let it go although I know I have to do that in order to move on. I believe so much that Allah used His wisdom in this situation perhaps He knew it wouldn’t work out and maybe my husband would have blamed me had I been involved and emotional. Allah knows best… anyways I had a nice long talk to hubby today and I feel much better.
    I don’t think he is addicted to sex, we were having sex so often and he was looking, now because of a few issues I have we can’t have sex for a while and he isn’t as admant about getting another wife. He is focusing on helping me out because I can’t do much right now.

  • Gail

    August 17, 2015

    Zarifa,

    I am curious what exactly r u praying to Allah to help your friend with? Her anger,jealousy,depression,hatred etc… U have to understand when a woman enters polygamy she has 2 ways to look at the situation.She can view it as either a negative or a positive and how she views it will determine how her marriage plays out.
    I will use myself as an example… When I found out the truth that my husband was keeping his first wife on the side in Pakistan I found myself in a dark deep hole that I just could not get out of know matter what I did.I was disgusted and angry at the entire situation.I viewed it very negative and questioned my entire marriage.I hated my husband and cowife to be frank and I could have killed them both for what they did to me and I don’t mind saying that because at the time that is the way I sincerely felt.As time went on and all hell broke loose and he gave her an Islamic Oral Talaq and we flew back home to USA and I had time to stop and think and get away from the situation I started realizing that I had lost my mind and in reality i was making a mountain out of a mole hill.Now looking back I was better off to let them be together and not tell him I was going to divorce him and be so nasty with both of them because I see now it is just silly.
    As far as sharing my husband sexually that is not as big a deal as woman make it out to be because he is not sleeping with the entire city or village he is sleeping with your cowife.So what is the big deal if he is sleeping with your cowife esp if u like the idea of having a big family which means your children will have brothers and sisters.My point is this it truly is a family unit being created and if a muslim woman finds herself in polygamy she should embrace it I feel as it is part of Islam.Why make it hard on yourself.
    The truth is if your friend would leave all the negative and go on the positive side she might see that her cowife is an amazing person.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2015

    @Zarifa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear you have been with us for so long as a reader of the blog. I’m so glad that you have come forward to talk with us. I would love for it to have been under different circumstances, but it is what it is.

    I truly know the pain and heartache the wife of your husband’s friend is experiencing. I know how much you would love to help her get through it. It’s very kind and compassionate of you.

    You asked how a woman could accept a proposal from a man who is already married, knowing it would hurt the wife. Your question is one that probably a lot of women have asked. One needs to stop looking at the man who becomes polygamous and the woman who marries him and start looking at ALLAH.

    Allah allows polygamy for men, which means there will be women who will marry those men who Allah makes polygamous. Those women have done absolutely nothing wrong in accepting an invitation from those men. Did you do anything wrong by accepting your husband’s invitation for marriage? Those women are just like you and any other woman who marries a man first. The only difference is in the order they married.

    Allah chose our mates for us. He decided you’d marry the man you married. If your husband marries another woman and becomes polygamous, Allah chose the second woman for him, as well. Allah decided that your husband will become polygamous, if he does. Until a woman can accept those facts and BELIEVE it, she will have a problem with Allah. The problem is not with the woman who marries the man who is already married. She has the problem with her Lord/ Allah. It’s easier to blame the husband and the woman who marries him second than it is to blame Allah. Allah made polygamy permissible. It’s okay for men to have more than one wife. Women must marry those men for it to happen.

    You ask how a woman could hurt another woman by marrying the man. She DID NOT hurt the woman. The woman is hurting from within because of what is in her soul. She has hurt herself. Pain and suffering is a result of a diseased heart. When a person has a disease she or he feels pain. It’s the same with the pain that is in the heart. There is a disease. Allah speaks of the diseased heart in the Holy Quran. One must read the Quran in order to know about it.

    Only Allah can relieve the pain. He placed it there. Where does she think it came from? A woman has to get herself right with Allah so that He will relieve her of the pain and suffering. No one can do it for her. Each of us has to have a pure heart before we can enter Jannah/Paradise otherwise the Hell Fire awaits the person. This could be a means for the sister that you speak of to grow nearer to Allah. Allah says we will experience, adversity, pain, suffering, toil and struggle. It’s unavoidable. We all experience it in various ways. Polygamy is one way for some.

    If you have any further questions, I will try my best to answer them. You could be experiencing pain yourself because it is so close to home for you. You may think that your husband will follow his friend’s lead and become polygamous. It’s only something that comes to mind, as I’ve heard of it happening.

  • Zarifa

    August 16, 2015

    Assalamualaikum Ana,

    I just heard that one of my husband’s friend, F married a second wife. I know the first wife, A. I read A’s fb. She’s totally devastated.
    I have been following this blog for nearly three years, even before you were exposed in the other blog. So C, Lynn, Ina, Laila, Marie, Mari2, Gail, ummfof4 etc are familiar names to me.
    As I have said before this, I follow this blog for one reason, that is, to make myself understand more about polygamy. I am a Muslim, and I hope that I do not anything against Allah. Should one day my husband said he is going to marry another, I want to make myself prepared that I am not going against Allah.
    I thought I have make myself comfortable with the word ‘polygamy’. But the moment that my husband told me about the second marriage of his friend F, my heart bleeds.
    I cried in my prayer for the first wife. The pain that she has to go through. I cried and asked Allah to ease her pain. It really affects me. I was down for a few days, and I cried before I go to sleep. Each time, I will make dua for Allah to ease her pain.
    I just cannot accept that how could a woman accept a married man knowing that the wife’s hurting.
    You always said it is not the second woman problem about what the first wife has to go through. How could this be?
    Because Islam is beautiful. There is no indication anyway in the Quran that we can hurt another Muslim. And we know that by marrying a married man, we hurt the wife. 🙁
    I just can’t imagine if I am at A’s place.
    Ya Allah, please make things easy for women all over the world.

  • Gail

    August 15, 2015

    Mari2,
    So u got the nasty face grunting.My MIL is the best at it.She grunts and complains and shouts like she has lost her mind to be frank.I am curious does your MIL talk really loud esp when she is on the phone.My MIL is so loud I tell my husband all the time the woman does not need a phone to call Pakistan I am pretty certain they can here her without it.
    I am sorry u r going through this freaking nightmare.They just want to break u and make u bend because they know if they can break u then they will have control over u and walk all over u.I hate this about Pakistani culture and the way they treat women.I will never go back to Pakistan or at least I should say I will never go back to Pakistan again and live in my Inlaws home.I had enough of them to last me a lifetime to be frank so I know exactly where u r coming from.
    Listen don’t think my husband is any better than your because he is exactly like your husband in so many ways when it comes to his relationship with his parents so I totally get where u r coming from and u r not crazy they r just off the chart CRAZY! They need to learn manners and they need to learn the word NO!

  • Mari2

    August 15, 2015

    @Gail
    I’ve decided culture has to go. Like soon. It’s not even about polygamy. It’s like why have I been working for 2 days to put together an awesome bridal shower and she grunted at people while they were in my home. My guests were made to feel uncomfortable by her. So much so that they kept asking “whose that weird roommate?”

  • Gail

    August 14, 2015

    Ana and Ruqayyah,
    Ana it kinda comes across to me that Ruqayyah is alot like I was when I found out about my husband and my cowife remember I talked about having this need to control everything and everyone and had to have it that way in order for me to be in control.When my husband and cowife did things I asked them not to do I went Ape $hit on them and lost control.
    Ruqayyah if u feel like u have got to control everything to mentally have peace then yeah that is a problem that u will for sure need to address.U can have a friendship with a cowife and u can be like I don’t want to say sisters because that is not a good word really but u can be very close and be blessing to each other or a curse.If u try to control or manipulate your lives then polygamy would be a curse on u there is no doubt about it.U will have to relax and just learn to go with the flow so to speak.I learned that but it was to late and I did do damage to my cowife i feel that I regret.When I look back I do see where I went horribly wrong and should have not been jealous or rude to her in certain situations.If u do feel u might be doing some of these things then don’t be hard on yourself just see it and change it is my advise.Please don’t take personal what Ana and I are saying about your husband we don’t mean as disrespect towards u at all.I just thought maybe u could figure out what is really going on so u can get a handle on whats really going on.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Another thing I think that is problematic is you try to figure everything out. You tell him that if he marries another you want it done the way you want it done. He then marries another and keeps it a secret from you because you can’t handle his wedding day and night with another. What women who he marries want to know his acts and behavior are dictated by you?

    You have no right to tell him how he should proceed in polygamy. The woman he marries is entitle to her wedding day and night. You need to find a way to cope with it without impeding on her life. You are not the supreme number one wife. You could perceive that you are, but not impose it on another wife’s life. You hope a woman whom he marries could accept giving up her nights while you try to cope. It’s not all about you. You seem to have a sense of entitlement.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2015

    @Gail & Ruqayyah,

    Gail, I wholeheartedly agree with you about Ruqayyah’s situation. I know it probably rubs her the wrong way when I say I think he’s all about the sex. I was going to just leave it alone, but since you broached the subject with her, I’ll chime back in.

    Ruqayyah, to me it seems you’ve been defending your husband. You said it wasn’t your husband or the other woman’s fault that their marriage didn’t work out. It was something beyond his and the other woman’s control that caused them to divorce. She was a believing woman and their marriage wasn’t for lust. Well, then, one would think they would have hung in there and made it work despite the obstacles. If the problem was that glaring that they couldn’t remain married, they both should have known beforehand the marriage wasn’t doable. It wasn’t a good fit. They married, had sex and then figured it out

    I have said it before and will say it again. It seems he is all about chasing tail. He’s chasing @$$. He can’t even stop for a moment and have a strong, beautiful marriage with Ruqayyah and live in the moment.

    There is only two other people here on this blog whose husband were chasing down a wife. One was married, I think, 4 times and the other husband was married 6 times. Now Ruqayyah’s husband has had his first divorce after a very short-term marriage, and is looking for another. Something just doesn’t sit right with those men.

    Ruqayyah, you are very much unhappy with the situation, which I surely don’t blame you for. He needs to pull himself together, and deal with today. How could you be content in a marriage with a husband who spends all his time and waking moments with you in thoughts of getting another woman? Undoubtedly, it would make you feel inadequate

    @Everyone,

    I’m a little behind in reading all the comments, so I have to play catch up.

  • Gail

    August 14, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    In your case I just don’t know since he up and divorced the woman and still wants polygamy.I just get this strange feeling in your case he is all about the sex with these woman more than Polygamy.Maybe he wants polygamy but don’t know how to go about it.I am curious what is the reason he wants polygamy in the first place?I mean there should logically be a reason for a man to want polygamy if Islam says it is against Polygamy just for lust. then it means there should be a logical reason why he wants it based on the Quran I should think to help make u understand his mind and what his vision is.I think if u could figure out his desire towards polygamy it would go a long way in u making peace with Polygamy and maybe even getting on board with his idea.Polygamy Ideally should have a goal in mind for the family unit and not just him screwing different woman understand?I am not saying he is doing that but the way it has come across in the past in your comments leads me to think he is kinda sex addicted and is using polygamy as a cover up for his addiction and u know this and r off kilter about it.That is why I am saying make sure his reasons line up with your religious belief.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 14, 2015

    I feel like I could scream, I was doing so well for so long, we were getting so close but the last week I’m just fed up. Easily angered and even today he barely got in the door before I screamed at him and sent him running out again

    I want that contentment back but I feel such a bad way about the whole situation even though I believed I had moved on.. there’s no polygamy in the near future that I can see, but it doesn’t make me happy as it once did. I’m feeling impatient and frustrated.. I want these feelings to pass and I know they will soon.. but until then poor hubby is out in the cold too scared to come home

    It’s funny how sometimes we can discuss what happened and I feel happy and content, other times we discuss it and it leaves me emotional. Why do we need to discuss it? Who knows.. but he brings it up from time to time, I assume he needs to work through it himself too and most of the time I’m capable of helping him, but sometimes it sends me a little loopy.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Mari2,
    I am also Irish from my mother side.It is nice to go visit different cultures but honestly I hate living in the Pakistani culture.I wish I had known then what I know now I would have never done it had I only known but on the flip side I think sometimes because of my kids i am exactly where I am suppose to be.I could not imagine there lives being lived in Pakistan.I feel as though I saved them so they can be free thinkers and create better more fulfilled lives for themselves.I hope G.D blesses me someday with peace for my hardship and struggles because I have truly given it my all against all odds I feel.
    As far as M I am pretty sure he will come crawling back to u but his mother is always going to call the shots and yank on his chain until the day he dies and he is always going to find an outlet through the computer and porn as a release for being controlled I feel.There has been polls done and Pakistan and India men are insanely wild about Porn and I really feel they do all that because they r so suppressed in their lives.Can u imagine how it would feel to be a 50 yr old man still obeying your mother like u r a 10 yr old little boy? It is more than crazy if u ask me and not mentally right when I see it.My brother inlaw is 44 yrs old and still he is under his parents control and would not dream to take any action without their approval of anything.My husband is basically the same although he is more a leader in the family than his older brother everyone looks to him for guidance because I have showed him everything here in USA.
    Listen if u decide to take your hubby back please do not mix up with your hateful mother inlaw she is never going to be good with u and will always stab u in the back keep those people far from u or better yet send her A$$ back to Pakistan and do not help his family as they all are going to side with mom over u.
    I am not saying this to be hateful u can pray for them and wish them well but u don’t need them in your face.I am more stuck because I have kids but I have made it crystal clear I am not going to be a babysitter for his parents in the future.My husband has 7 other brothers and sisters and it is about time they pony up and start helping out is the way I feel about it.I will also say that I really believe if my husband keeps putting his parents over me and my wishes G.D will replace for me with a better husband.This may very well be what happens to u as well or u find u don’t need him as much as u think u do.
    I am sure your cowife is throwing a party in Pakistan that MIL has laid down the law to split u 2 up as well.I am not saying this to be hateful but more as a fact just so u keep it clear that I am sure word is out there by now.
    So Your MIL actually told your husband to not have anymore sexual relations with u?Now that is a new one on me but I can’t say I am really that shocked.
    A mother controlling her sons sex life.LOL she deserved the door slammed in her face sorry to say.

  • Mari2

    August 13, 2015

    Salam,
    culture can be an interesting thing. A cousin of mine recently died this month. She was 80, and for nearly 60 years she was a Maryknoll sister. She worked in different countries and while she served in East Timor she and I spoke as we worked on our Irish genealogy. I remembered the other day something she said about culture. Something like it is easy to try to understand another culture but far harder to try to make yourself fit the norms of that culture. I read her obituary and I was amazed at how much she accomplished in her life. She had a TV show in the 60’s. I had no idea. We had not spoken much in the past couple of years since she returned to the states. I tried to contact her via Facebook a couple of weeks ago but couldn’t find her. My mom called the other day to tell me that she died August 5th. Gave me chills to recall I was thinking much of her right around when she passed.
    Her father and my grandfather were brothers. We spoke once about my grandfather and grandmother’s marriage. Both the same culture:irish Catholic. But gma’s family arrived pre civil war, while gfth’s family came post famine. Neither family was happy about their decision to marry. Grandma’s family thought of grandfather’s family as “shanty Irish” and his family regarded hers as “English acting”. They were married for 65 years. How? They both spent only sporadic occasions with extended family members (baptisms, weddings and funerals). Minimizing contact with the naysayers allowed their marriage to flourish.

  • Mari2

    August 13, 2015

    @Gail
    you are correct that this a culture thing far more than a polygamy thing. I do love M even though he can be a turd. But I have my faults too. He and I actually had a really good talk yesterday and were smoothing things over when his mom summoned him and told him that he MUST divorce me or she will go back to pakistan and cut him out of her life FOREVER. She also ordered him to not have any relations with me ever again.
    Sooooo…I said again they just need to go. It’s just not right that I should pay to live in a home with a woman who has and does wish me ill will. I don’t have to put up with it nor do I choose too.
    Plus this will be a good eye opener for the both of them. M found a couple of rooms in the basement of a nepali family. No full kitchen. It’s more than he was paying here but that’s the market we live in. Now MIL can see what her darling son’s salary really gets her living wise. They have no furniture or beds even. M bluntly told her all the stuff in our home was purchased by me so he will not take it to their new place. I have insisted that he take toiletries and cleaning supplies and the few pots he got after first married collapsed. They leave on the 20th.
    As for my relationship with M. He and I have chosen not to divorce at this time. We’ll see where this goes but he knows that will not include me ever residing with any of his family members.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Ana,
    In mine and Mari2 case this is not polygamy related as much as it is about culture and her husband trying to control her through his culture.It is very important that Pakistani men are looked up to and they take advantage of this in their culture.They act like complete horses asses and a Paki wife would never dare to stand up to them because if she did say something she is going to get the living $hit kicked out of her by not only her husband but her MIL and FIL and brother inlaws and her own parents Grandparents etc… she always lives with her head down.These idiot men marry a foreign woman and try to make her bow as well.It is not easy for a foreign woman to eat to much crow without blowing her top.
    There is just no peace when it comes to Polygamy in the Pakistani culture unless both woman r Pakistani or maybe both woman r foreign then u could stand a chance but that is still a long shot.It is a very hard culture to wrap your mind around because when a woman marries she don’t just marry her husband she marries her inlaws and her husbands neighbors to be frank.She becomes a servant for a lack of a better word.

  • Gail

    August 13, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am sorry u had to go through that but man I could see the way they were treating u it was going to end up a mess sooner or later.I really believe u did the right thing because u just can’t continue to live that way and stay sane.Even if u notice he got pissed off because he thinks is some crazy way u disrespected his mom and u need to tell her sorry.I will tell u very clear my husband tried this on me just the other night and man I got up and slammed the door in his face.I don’t know where the get off thinking their parents have any say in our or my marriage.U did the right thing to tell him to kiss off because had u backed down and given in they would have walked all over u from now on.Oh he will eventually grovel back to u and MIL might even act nice because G.D knows those people hate to spend a dime and if he has to pony up rent for another place.lol well u know well.
    I am shocked u got your Gold back how did u manage that because to be honest everyone i met is a thief and would never give back.They would lie and say it was stolen or make up some insane story as to not give back.
    Keep us posted on what is going on with u.Again I am really sorry u r going through this but in these cases polygamy just don’t work.The Pakistani wife and family will never let u stay in peace.If u went to Pakistan I truly believe she or the family would try to harm u.So if u ever do get back together with him keep out of Pakistan is my sincere advice.Esp now if he moves out and if he comes back because that is going to cause a rage in your cowife understand.Just be very careful and cut ties if u don’t intend to take him back and just move on life is to short for all this nonsense.I will advise u don’t talk to his mother or even look her way until they get out of your home.

  • anabellah

    August 13, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All you wonderful people

    I’m hopeful everyone is well. It’s been a bit quiet here, so I’ve been busying myself with playing around making videos why taking care of other business, as well. I’ll keep posting. If anyone has anything to say, feel free to jump in. Otherwise, sit back, relax and read. It’s all good.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2015

    I just read an article from last year, August 2014 (I’m just seeing it), in which a judge ruled Utah’s law against polygamy was unconstitutional. It “stifled” the Brown’s rights to free speech, religion, privacy, and equal protection. The Browns are from the reality show, “Sister Wives.” The links to the article are as follows:

    Federal Judge Declares Utah Polygamy Law Unconstitutional

    Judge Finalizes Order Finding Polygamy Law Unconstitional

    I’m one for standing up for what is right and fighting. I’ve done it a number of times over the years, and was victorious. Alhumdulliah. The Browns acted admirably. YEAH baaaaaby!

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2015

    Here’s a sad story that lets one know how backwards thinking some people still are in the world today:

    “Father Lets Daughter Drown to Avoid ‘Dishonor'”

    Father Lets Daughter Drown to Avoid Dishonor

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It could be the best thing that could happen to you right about now. You just have to see how it all plays out. Once you three all calm down completely, you and he may reconcile. If you’re feeling a calm and peacefulness, it is good. Only Allah knows what is going to be. You’re doing good by turning to Him.

    I must say that you have to realize he is under a lot of pressure as well, having two wives and being pressured by both. He doesn’t know which way is up right about now. You are acting the typical way that many Muslims wives act when their husband have just become polygamous and they (the wives) didn’t want it. It’s weird though because you were a second once upon a time until he and the first divorced. Now you’re a first whose husband has taken a second and you’re acting like a typical first – go figure??? It all sounds about right.

    Try to pull yourself together and ask Allah for forgiveness, help and guidance. He needs to have patience with you. His patience is wearing thin. Take it a day at a time and see where it leads. We’re here for you… It’ll all be okay.

  • Mari2

    August 11, 2015

    @Ana and Gail,
    He is going to leave. I tried to have a financial conversation with him and he was saying I keep getting mad at little things. Little things? So I started yelling and throwing his things at him and told him to take his mom and leave. His mom started walking into our room and I closed the door in her face. I was soooooooo angry my emotions just boiled over. I’m not proud of my actions but I am not going to apologize for how he’s made me feel.
    He accused me disrespecting him because in his words: pakistani wives don’t act like that and throw their husbands things at him. I had to remind him again that I was neither pakistani nor am I living in Pakistan.
    He told me the next day that his mom is mad at me and told him to move out. I made her return all the gold I gave her for his sister’s now cancelled wedding. According to him he has to move because mommy said so and he has to listen to her. Fine by me. He told me to talk to his mom and ask forgiveness. I said no.
    Then today he said his mom said he could stay until the lease was up. Really? But he said he really wants to go. I think he was expecting me to beg him to stay. I thought I’d be upset or something but I am oddly calm. I told him I didn’t want his cultural agita in my life for the next 10 months, so even if mommy gave him permission to stay, they both need to leave ASAP.
    It’s going to suck to make up his portion of rent, but utilities and food cost savings will cover at least half. I also have a friend who may need a place. But I am so astounded by how relieved I feel. Ive been praying hard to Allah for strength. HE’S helping! So worry not Gail. ..they are going to go 🙂

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Sis, I’m glad you liked the video I made an effort to keep it short and sweet. Alhumdulliah. It was fun and exciting making it.

  • ummof4

    August 11, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I like the short video.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2015

    Actually it’s at the very bottom of all pages.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all the wonderful blog family members and people out there in cyberspace.

    Okay. I think I may be prepping myself to make a physical appearance to all out there in cyberspace. I’ve got to take baby steps so, I’ve made a video. It is at the bottom of the main page in the footer. It’s okay to laugh. I crack my own self up sometimes…

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2015

    @Marrriam,

    I can’t say it any better than Gail. I think she’s on point. Since your husband is going to get you both your own homes he should spend equally on you two. If you’re working and contributing, which allows you to have a better home than her, it’s okay. If she wants a better one, she needs to go to work to help get it. Otherwise she best be content with the house her amount from hubz could afford.

    Don’t concern yourself with whether she’ll be jealous or not. It’s not your problem. You can’t control her feelings.

  • Gail

    August 10, 2015

    Marriam,

    Hi I am Gail.Listen I read your post and it is very clear here in your case u have a good husband that is being fair with u and your cowife and that is awesome and so happy for u.
    As for you and your cowife getting the same homes since u work and can afford more well obviously she can’t get as expensive a home as u since she does not work.She will have to understand this and chances r she might but u r also correct she may become jealous knowing because u work u will be able to afford a more expensive home than her.That is not your problem what she thinks as long as your husband keeps being fair and giving equal amounts.Do not let him buy her a more expensive home to equal yours and u end up having to give up some of your income that is not the correct way to handle this.Either they hold out for her to find a a great deal on a home to equal yours without paying the high price or she has to work to have the nicer home it really is that simple and clear cut as I see it.
    Now u if she starts screaming about u getting a nicer home u could always combine your money and buy a really nice home with land and live together in a joint family system which is not a horrible idea if u wanted something really amazing and off the hook.If u don’t like living joint family then u better stick to your guns and make sure hubby keeps finances equal.

  • Gail

    August 10, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am going to be honest with u.our husband is a wortheless piece of crap and I think u know this and are just hanging on for G.D knows what reason.He is in cyberspace screwing around.I mean really there is no way that he could possibly love u or his other wife acting like a dog in heat all the time but that is neither here nor there what I am concerned about is u and how u r giving your money and time to a man that disrespects u so openly.Now I am not saying u should leave your husband but I u have got to stop giving him money and the same goes for his family.These people DO NOT respect u and u r acting like a fool whom they r laughing at and making fun of behind your back ever last one them everytime u give them one dang rupee.U have got to wake up and see that may G.D not do but u become ill like get Cancer or disabled and can no longer work do u think this maniac and his family will come to your aid?I highly doubt it they will leave you where u sit when the money stops flowing.Please protect your future and stop this nonsense and take the money u r giving them and invest in your own future and stop wasting even a penny on these people who obviously do not love u.Again i say it is more than foolish to live with a husband esp if u do not have children binding u together that u know very clearly is disrespecting u.You have no reason not even one to deal that kind of clear abuse and neglect.
    Mari2 seriously even my husband can act like a major creep and I am not joking but he gives me all his money and even though i am not rich there is rarely a time I have less than 10,000 dollars in my pocket and mainly have over 20,000 in cash.He works and he gives me.I am investing in mobile homes and land to make our future so we can retire with easy comfort owner financing mobile homes.My husband was acting like a total jerk and I can’t say if he cheats on me or not but in all honesty I doubt he has time since he is busy starting this new real estate business.My issues are more that family issues like him not wanting to get rid of his parents and them being on my A$$ 24/7 and him wanting to marry the kids in his family/cousin marriages etc.. which i am against and will never allow which causes huge fights between us at times.What u r going through is a whole other animal indeed.Just figure out why u r allowing him to abuse u and fix it before these people clean u out.I shocked to read that he told u to not look at his account like u r his servant instead of his wife after u have clearly done so much for him and his family.I ask u straight up is it worth for or are u wasting your life on an idiot?

  • Marriam

    August 10, 2015

    Salamu Alaikum Ana.
    I love your post and i Always read when I need help to understand and to run my life easily. I am the second wife of my husband. He’s good husband for both of us. He has saved some money so he can get two different house for both of us. He already has given us the amount fairly. The thing is I work and his first wife doesn’t work. So I have higher amout of money and also can borrow more then what she can. Will my husband be unfair to her if I pick the house of my ability which maybe better then hers. Even though is she buys the bigger house she can’t help the husband to pay back mortgage. He has limited money coming and he’s giving us fairly. Also how the finance should work, he has to give her more then me coz she don’t work and she may want to live in the same house as I want to get? And in that way how is husband fair if one gets more then the other. Thank you

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2015

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’re doing an awful lot, way above and beyond what you are required. I agree with you that Allah showed you how much your husband has in his account for a reason. Allah doesn’t do anything purposeless. What the exact reason was, only Allah knows. You have to do what you are inspired to do.

    Your husband could be saving up so that he could make a clean break from you without hardship. After all, his family is pressuring him to get rid of you. Regardless, you would be within your right to require him to contribute more to the household expenses, pay his car payment and insurance and whatever else you deem reasonable.

    Just because a wife began helping out her husband, doesn’t mean that she has to continue. Of course, you wouldn’t want to stop paying anything and make him pay everything. Do what you think is fair and just – make your intent. Go for it…

  • Mari2

    August 9, 2015

    Salam to all here,
    Polygamy or perhaps just marriage in itself is a constant test. Sigh. Despite all the tests, I love Allah more each day. But the tests are just flying at me like racket balls in play. Days I feel like I’m swinging with my eyes closed.
    I’ve dealt with the Craigslist and viber sex exchanges with other women during Ramadan no less. I’ve dealt with the constant criticism from his family and their demands to be rid of me. I’ve dealt with in my face insults from the family of 2. I’ve both prayed for patience and strength. I have also prayed to Allah to show me the right path.
    I paid zakat for all of us during Eid. And I willingly help him and his family either thru monetary donations, donations of gold toward his sister’s now cancelled engagement, or just helping him and his mother here. Housing, food costs, utilities etc.
    I willingly did this to help him and his family.
    I live on a cash only basis. Though I make decent money MASHALLAH, much of what I make goes to insurance, retirement, taxes, rent, utilities, food, car payment etc. I own no credit cards. M has a credit card which I am allowed to use for emergency but I have to pay him back, which I do always.
    Yesterday, m had to do a repair on his car which I own and pay insurance for. He sent me to his bank to take out money. His balance was 3 thousand dollars! When I got home I said wow you have 3 thousand, I have 42 dollars in my account after paying all the bills. His response: don’t look at my receipt.
    The rent on this home is 1900 dollars per month. Luckily below market value because the landlord is a friend. Currently I pay 1300 per month and M pays 600 for him and his mom. I pay the utilities too. I am thinking that it is perhaps time to demand that M pay more rent. I can predict he’ll claim I’m taking food out of the mouths of his family in Pakistan. But in my opinion, Allah has revealed all of this for a purpose.

  • anabellah

    August 7, 2015

    @Ummabdurrahmaan,

    mor wino is needed huh? A little bit of vino (wine) will help. Oh, my goodness. That was funny. I’m glad you made the error. It gave me a good laugh.

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all,

    Insha Allah, I’ll return as soon as possible. I’m reading bits and pieces as I approve the posts.

  • Ummabdurrahmaan

    August 7, 2015

    More info not mor wino lol. Autocorrect

  • Ummabdurrahmaan

    August 7, 2015

    Sisters, jazakumAllaahu khaira for all ur replies. I have read and reflected. Lol@Gail…well gives me a bit of anonymity. I will reply in detail . Maybe add more details to the context of my problems as really I think to give a better reply mor wino is needed. Not to say all the replies are irrelevant. Ultimately it comes down to Turing to Allah of course but we have to take that action to change. Will post bak in more detail soon as I get the chance
    . Will say though it is heartwarming to have your support and love. The beauty of Islam hey! MashaAllaah SubhnAllaah. QadrAllaah I didn’t know this forum years ago wen I started my pologmy rollercoster ride

  • Gail

    August 6, 2015

    ummabdurrahmaan,

    Hi welcome to the group! First of all I want to say could u have picked a longer harder ID for me to have to type into the computer.LOL Just teasing!!
    Listen I read what u wrote and I really related to your story about your husband changing over the years and not becoming hard hearted.Listen in all honesty I think alot of men maybe not all but as men get older thay do change and become less inclined to I don’t know what to call it other than listen to his wife or wives as much.I know with my own husband he drives me crazy with his selfish ideas and sometimes I wonder dang has he always been this way but in the early years I just had my love blinders on.
    I will tell u this unless u r positive divorce is your only solution at this point and u don’t intend to go on with this marriage then I would encourage u to explain to him the situation and what is bothering u and come up with solutions to help him fix the problems.Maybe he just needs a shoulder to lean on possibly esp.. if he is the bread winner in both families.I have no idea what your personal problems are with your husband so I don’t want to speculate to much. I am 44 and what I have learned over the years that husbands as they get older they really need a wife to just lay beside them and truly encourage them and listen to their ideas and give input.I will be honest my husband talks about a whole lot of nothing that I am interested in but I try my best not to zone out and listen to him.Example Lord all this last month i have heard nothing but talk about septic systems being put in my property and how he can do that job and save money.He just went on and on and on until seriously I thought I could choke him and before that he was focused on dragging me through 2 states to find the perfect mobile homes to purchase.Now I love Buying and selling mobile homes very much but dang this boy was eating sleeping and focusing on making r dream into a reality.Once I figured out that is his way of making r dream into a reality and manifesting it I start thinking OK Gail chill out a little and give the boy a break.I cry all the time on the blog about how i feel like how I should win the crappy life looser award and believe me if their was such a thing I might actually WIN! lol but seriously my point is try to step back and look at things from his perspective and see where u might need u a little.I don’t know if any of what I am saying makes any sense to u but I think we as woman so many times give and give until we get fed up and then we scream DANG ITTT I need love love and affection my darn self u greedyyyyy B@stard Son of a Biscuit Eater! LOL
    I wish I could say marriage was easy but in my opinion marriage is like a job what u put into it is what u will get back out of it.Many times u will say to yourself screw this I quit and I give up and want to throw in the towel but the reality is if u quit u just have to get another job eventually or live life alone and neither are very good prospects after u have children and made a life and property etc.. with someone.Like I said find the problems or talk them out here on the blog maybe we can help u figure out how to get through to him.
    One last thing u need to make sure that u r not missing something in your own life that he has nothing to do with.Example like in my case I need to loose weight so at times I gain instead of loose and I just get angry with the entire world and moody,whiny etc… It is my personal struggle and my mood does tend to go over to my husband at times.Knowone is perfect is what I am trying to say and figuring out your own issues might help u also to deal with your marriage in a new light.
    I don’t get the feeling that your cowife is so much the problem in your marriage although I could be wrong and would like to hear more about you and your problems.hugsss… Gail

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone!

    I received the “IslamiCity Bulletin” today. Usually I don’t read it, but today it caught my attention. The bulletin was all about the Holy Quran. Alhumdulliah! Of course, it made me take notice. I placed the links below. I haven’t read the articles or listened to the videos yet. Insha Allah, I intend to do so when I get some free time in the coming days. The only way to find peace and contentment in this life and have a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise is to read and learn the Holy Quran and LIVE IT. It is the word of Allah. It’s the only reality. Allah is the only Reality. The links to the material are below:

    The New World Awaits You

    How the Quran Shapes the Brain

    The Holy Quran

    Quran as a Healing

    Impact of the Quran on Our Lives

  • anabellah

    August 6, 2015

    @Ummabdurrahmaan, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I misread what you wrote. You stated, “I’m not sayin my Co wife has it much better than me.” My eyes were playing tricks on me and I didnt’ see that you had written “not”. Please disregard the part of my post to you in which I questioned you about it.

    @ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you for pointing out my error.

  • ummof4

    August 6, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I don’t think that Ummabdurrahmaan said that her co-wife had it better than she does.

    Ummabdurrahmaan,
    Welcome to the blog. It is a safe, comfortable feeling to know that you are communicating with others who have travelled the same road that you are on.

    Of course, keep making du’ah that Allah gives you the patience, strength, and knowledge to make the best of your life. I suggest that you involve yourself in an activity that you enjoy. It could be exercise or a sport; learning a new skill or language; helping others less fortunate than you at your local masjid or social service organization; beginning or joining a study group or book group. The good thing is that any of these activities can be done with your children and/or your husband. You did say that you had 4 children.

    It sounds as if your husband is one of the “good Guys”. Many young men do not fully understand that their responsibilities double when they marry another wife. The extra responsibility can cause stress, which may be why he has become hardhearted, as you describe him. Do whatever you can to relieve his stress when he is with you, and his heart will become less hard, In shaa’Allah.

    You sound like a sweetheart. Don’t change. I will make du’ah for you and your family.

  • anabellah

    August 5, 2015

    Ummabdurrahmaan, welcome to the forum

    It’s nice to have you here. Please don’t concern yourself with the length of your posts. We don’t care about it here. It’s okay however long or short the posts are. We’re just happy to be able to have an opportunity to help one another.

    It’s interesting that you said your husband’s friends became polygamous and he jumped on the bandwagon. I can see how it would happen.

    You pointed out you changed, and are unhappy partly due to your weaknesses. We should always be in a state of change, and making ourselves better. I don’t see that you changed is a bad thing. You seeing your weaknesses is a good thing. That you don’t like the way you are now is a good thing. I read in an Islamic book (not the Holy Quran) that when Allah wants good for us, He exposes our faults to us. He lets us see are weaknesses and many time they aren’t nice. At least you can see your faults, so be happy about it. Some people don’t see theirs. Perhaps it’s time for you to work on your weaknesses to become a better person. We can’t enter Paradise/Jannah with an impure heart.

    To begin with you can analyze yourself, what you’re feeling and why. Ask yourself what you’re feel and why. Is it envy, jealousy, hatred, or bitterness and resentment towards your husband? It’s not easy to change what you’re feeling unless you try to get closer to Allah. You have to have a clear understanding of Islam and what Allah says in the Holy Quran. You’d have to begin to focus all your attention on Allah and not your husband, not your situation and not your husband’s marriage to the other woman. As long as you make it about polygamy, you can’t grow. You can’t change.

    I tell women that if they believe their lives have changed due of their husbands actions – that he became polygamous – and they don’t believe truly in their hearts that Allah called the shots and made it happen, they will be in pain and will suffer endlessly. Why? because nothing has changed to make them feel any differently. If the husband remains married to the other woman – the husband remains polygamous – nothing has changed to make the unhappy woman feel any better. Even if he were to divorce the other wife, the marriage could never go back to how it was before he married the other woman.

    It’s on you to determine your belief. I believe that Allah determined who we marry. He decided who would be polygamous. He decides everything. We have to accept what Allah decides. It’s submission to His will, which is what Islam means. It’s what a Muslim/Believer does. No one can control how someone else believes. You need to think about what it is that you believe.

    Just as polygamy is difficult for the woman, it’s difficult for the man, as well. After all, it’s new to him, too. He’s feeling his way around and learning the same as you are. You say she has it better than you. Why do you think she does? There are some women who think other women have it better because they have no kids and don’t have to work etc. The other may work or have kids and feels she doesn’t have any alone time with the husband. What make you think she’s got it better and how do you contribute it to your husband?

  • Ummabdurrahmaan

    August 5, 2015

    This is my first time on the forum. I will get to the point and try and keep as brief as possible. I am the first wife. My husband took a second wife (I was relatively young at the time in my mid 20’s) and had 3 young children. The youngest being about 1 yrs old. Exuse me if I go on a but but I think the context to my current situation is important. My husband and I were blissfully happy at the time. We had been married for about 6 yrs. A few of his friends had taken second wives or were lookin into it and he jumped on the bandwagon so to speak. My marrige changed literally the day he married her. That probably sounds soo obvious to anyone in pologmy or not but despite my love for my husband things have changed soo much and I feelmore often than not I am not a happy person..not for one minute do I blame Islam.but more so the implementation. Of the husbands and my own weaknesses. My husband is a good man barakAllaah fi but truly I believe he can not handle pologmy and he can not be just in his dealings with his family’s. I’m not sayin my Co wife has it much better than me..she and I were good friends . But I feel like iv got to a point were I need something to change. I have my 4 children to think of primarily and I truely feel between a rock and a hard place. I am not the sameperson I was and I have not changed for the better- again my own weaknesses no one else’s but indeed my husband has a big part to play in this. I would never want to deprive my kids of a father it’s not fair on them. But I just feel.in such a rut. My husband has become extremely hard hearted over the years – he can not handle having 2 wives and all it entails . I cannot speak to my family as if they truly knew how I feel.they would hate my husband for it and I don’t want fitna..wallahul mustan

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @Ummof4, Welcome back! Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I missed you, Sis. Your vacation sounds like it was wonderful – come to Jamaica and feel alright – I love those commercials. I’m glad you had a nice, memorable time.

    I know a couple who celebrated their 40th anniversary too. They celebrated yesterday. I’m sure you’ll have a fun time celebrating with all your friends and family. You certainly have something to celebrate about. Allah has been very good to you.

  • ummof4

    August 3, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Well, I’m back from my Jamaica vacation and I even got a tan on my face and hands. The water was beautiful and I got to sit in my favorite waterfall again at Dunns River. Now I’m getting ready for our 40 year anniversary dinner that our children are having for us. Just us and 60 or 70 of our friends from over the years. It should be fun; my daughter even picked out my outfit that I have to wear.
    It’s always good to hear from sisters who have been away for a while, like Lynette. Lynette, how’s you health?
    Marie, Mabruk on the new baby.

    Ladies, as Ana says quite often, as difficult as it may be, don’t put all of your faith and trust in your fiance or your husband. He is only human and may break his promise and let you down, again and again. Only Allah keeps His promises to us; we should put all of our faith and trust in Allah alone.

    Once we put a human on a pedestal(even ourselves) and the human falls off, we feel disappointed, heartbroken, and betrayed. Reality can suck sometimes. However, as Muslims, we know that Allah does not give us a burden greater than we can bear. So we keep on keeping on.

    A final note: DON’T BE ANYBODY’S SECRET WIFE! MARRIAGE IN ISLAAM IS TO BE CELEBRATED, NOT HIDDEN! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH A MAN WHO WANTS A SECRET WIFE! IT IS NOT A PART OF ISLAAM, NO MATTER WHAT REASON HE GIVES YOU !

    May Allah grant all of us the ability to use the reasoning skills that Allah gave us to benefit ourselves, our families, our communities and the world.

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy you’re still with us, Sis Fatima. It’s especially nice to hear you’re well and sooooo happy. It makes me happy. 🙂 Stay high up there. It’s amazing how life keeps getting better. Every day doesn’t feel the exact same way, but the appreciation for life makes life beautiful. Allah u Akbar.

    Yes, I’d love to speak Spanish. Here in the States there are so many people who speak it and mostly everything is in Spanish and English. I have my CDs. I had two years of Spanish in high school, and it came fairly easy for me. So, we’ll see what happens. I’ve been so busy lately with a number of projects. I’m learning about non-profits, so I could move the Sadaqah fund ahead.

  • Fatima

    August 3, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum ana, hope new month and life is treating you well, it sure is for me yaaay, life is looking better Iol, I smiled when I saw what u wrote about Spanish because I’m not joking I have heaps keen on Spanish lately mabey we speak Spanish on this blog one day haha in future if I make it and don’t give up on it, anyways prays go out for all of you

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our lovely blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to a new discussion thread – August 2015 discussions. We thank you all for joining us. For those who would like to finish reading the July 2015 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory of what was said, the link is:July 2015 Discussions