August 2017 Discussions

Welcome to our August 2017 discussions. Just jump right in and share your experiences or thoughts about polygamy in Islam. What’s on your mind?

August 2017 Discussions

August 2017 discussions

August 2017 discussions

222 Comments

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 August 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the August 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: September 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all you wonderful people out there in cyberspace,

    Insha Allah, we’ll soon welcome in a new month. I pray it will be a good month for us. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif I hope you all are having a lovely summer. We’re sliding into fall, which is my favorite time of the year, so I’m looking forward to it.

    Thank you all for your contributions and support of one another. I appreciate each and everyone of you and am so happy to know you all.

    Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    August 31, 2017

    It’s interesting how husbands will have their wives not all in the same country and they’ll incur the expense to go visit them, but have not performed Hajj. It’s shows their priority. Clearly they can afford to travel to see wives. They prefer to travel to see wives than to fulfill their obligation to Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 30, 2017

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Hello All,

    I’m sure it’s a busy time for most with the end of summer approaching and school ready to begin. My nieces and nephews in Connecticut will begin school tomorrow. It’s quite early, if you ask me. Anytime school begins before Labor Day, it’s early to me LOL

    Insha Allah, all are getting ready for our BIG upcoming second Islamic Holiday of the year Eid Al Aha prayer plus the three days of fun, food and festivities. Yay, woo hoo. Congratulations to all the Hajjis (those who performed the Hajj) as well.

    For all those Muslims who travel for leisure visiting family and friends or vacationing, remember it’s obligatory for us Muslims to perform the Hajj or Umrah. It’s obligatory on those who could afford it. If one can afford to vacation and travel to visit relatives and friends, one should be able to take care of serious business, meaning put the Hajj/Umrah first.

    polygamy 411

  • Serena

    August 30, 2017

    Salam

    Hope everybody has a blessed Arafat day. Invoke Allah much and ask for forgiveness, thank Him and praise Him abundantly. Hope Allah eases sufferings of all and blesses everyone to appreciate the favours of Allah.

    Try and invite someone who doesn’t have family to go to for Eid. Have a wonderful Eid.

  • Marah S

    August 29, 2017

    Whenever i think about all the things Muslims are going through around the world like in Myanmar, I feel so ashamed for complaining about such small things. It reminds me how ungrateful I am to Allah. I assume most of us that write on this blog are in much better situations than some other Muslims. Inshallah I hope we can all make dua for our brothers and sisters who are suffering around the world.

  • Marah S

    August 29, 2017

    MS,

    Thank you for the reminder https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif. You’re absolutely right, I definitely overlooked some of the things I may be doing to push him away. When I spoke to him he said he doesn’t feel like I make much effort to spend time with him either. Turns out we’re both guilty of the same thing, he thinks I don’t want to be around him so he locks himself in his room and I think he doesn’t want to be around me so I stay in my room and don’t try to talk to him as well. What he said makes a lot of sense, when I go all day barely speaking to him and then all of a sudden want to be intimate at night it confuses him and he’s just not in the mood. Alhamdulillah we’re working on it, we’ve been doing well the past few days so inshallah we can continue on an upward trend.

    I also called up some old girlfriends so we can get together and I can get out more. The other day I took the baby to a play date and he was actually happy to see us go haha.

  • MS

    August 28, 2017

    Assalam o alaikum all https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    @Marah S

    You said in a much earlier post that your husband asked you why you don’t like spending time with him anymore.

    Maybe he’s acting weird because he’s feeling rejected too and missing the attention you used to give him. Perhaps you could do something special for him (a gift?) and spend a bit more time with him?

    When someone’s nice to us, we automatically want to be nice back. So if you take the lead insha’Allah he’ll respond back with kindness.

    Please don’t give up. The Muslim community is in a mess because the majority of us are ignorant of the religion. Yet Allah has blessed you and your husband with a strong connection to the Quran. It’s extremely rare to find muslims who have memorised half to all of the Quran!

    We need more Muslim parents, like you and your husband, to work together as a strong unit to spread their love for the Quran to the next generation, with Allah’s permission and help. You’re both a very valuable asset to the Muslim community, it would be a huge shame to see you break up.

    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2017
  • Karima

    August 27, 2017

    Ana and All have a beautiful Sunday! It’s last day of the weekend it’s very hot here in this beautiful European city and we are gonna take kids out to have fun:) alahmdulellah my I feel better !!!!

    Life is short and if any young girl is reading do not make a man the center of your life. If u get married and kids come it’s great if u don’t get to have kids it’s still great and if U don’t ever get married still it can be great. Women worth much more than that. Only Allah knows . It should all be all about Allah only there hearts find rest and peace

    ( p.s I am far from perfect and even more far than a good believer but I’m trying ).

    Have a great day ❀️

  • anabellah

    August 27, 2017

    Karima,

    It was meant to be an exaggeration. Lol. I knew you, my sister, could never look like that. I got a good hearty laugh out of that pic, as well. I’m still laughing LMAO…

  • Karima

    August 27, 2017

    Sis Ana

    Haha that picture got me laughing out loud!! Alhamdulellah I don’t look like this ever lol.

    But YOU said sthng wise: look good for urself and ur children!!! Yes I will get my act together today is a new day Alhamdulellah. My son is 6 and a half and my daughter 2 years old and 10 months:)

    Thank you my Sister jazak Allah kheir

  • Rosa

    August 26, 2017

    Flower
    Your post made me laugh. It’s interesting reading all the different perspectives πŸ™‚

  • Rosa

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S
    I figured your husband was in the delivery room but actually delivering the babyyyyyyyy omG he must be totally freaked out traumatised. Maybe yall can talk it over. That probably really messed with his head. Aw well InshaAllah all will work out.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Sis Karima,

    It’s good you’re getting in the routine of offering the salat prayers. Keep up the good work https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Try not to be so down. If you think negatively and stay down in the dump, it’s where you’ll remain, and no good will come from it. You mustn’t despair.

    Keep yourself looking nice for you. You’ll feel much better when you keep your appearance up. It’s important. It’s good for your kids to see you looking nice, as well. I forget how old they are. Anyhow, they want a mom to be proud of. Remember, they learn from you. Furthermore, if you’re looking all disheveled and frumpy polygamy 411, why would your husband want to come home to that? It’s the same if you’re all depressed and negative all the time. Furthermore, why would he want to be around someone who is jumping down his throat all the time. You’ve got to pull yourself together, Karima. No one says you have to doll yourself up everyday. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate. You could still look nice without a lot of effort…

    Marah S,

    I second, Sis Karima – well done on your degree! Awesome! Alhumdulliah!!!

  • Karima

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S

    Well done on your degree and for the confidence U have that u could
    Get a job:)

    I think he got a shock as he attended the delivery of the baby and he saw what was happening… I hope I’m wrong though

    Don’t give up!!!

  • Karima

    August 26, 2017

    Salam Everyone

    Thank you All for sharing your situation! Things are not the best for husband and myself at the moment BUT a I am relieved when he leaves the house at night. His friends called him like yesterday he might have went partying but also he might have visited the other. Same might happen tonight. I don’t care. I don’t know anything about This person and he knows nothing about my thoughts n feelings about other stuff too: job stress, anxiety for future etc. we only share kids together nothing else. I was hoping he would change after 2 kids but he hasn’t . I hope my son won’t copy his partying n sisha coffee shop adventures every night !!!! I don’t care anymore how I look in the house . I’m so fed up of the housework and shopping groceries and this n that for the kids I have no power and no interest in dressing up n all when I’m in the house. What for? I saw his true colors and I’m not interested in him. I texted
    Him 2 days ago I can’t stand this fake situation Any more n that he should leave this house. Of course he will never do that. Why would he leave his comfort zone? I do everything. Cook n clean and raise the kids . Every night I’m alone as he doesn’t come home directly from work but goes to smoke sisha n I guess visits the other who knows. I wish we could split the days not have
    To see him at all for half the week lol. Let her work too not just me!!!! πŸ™‚ ahhhh I’m so annoyed of the way he is not handling things!!!! πŸ™
    The good things is my menses is over and I’m praying
    Again n I hope I will
    Continue inshallah Amin

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Karima,

    Don’t miss my post to you below Marah S’

    Marah S,

    What you’re probably dealing with is more like “Postpartum depression” maybe. Insha Allah, google it.

    Taslyiman’s post was brief. She spoke about how she wigs out on her husband when her hormones are out of wack right before her menses. She suggested anyone dealing with PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome) should look into vitamins and minerals that are out there especially for it. You could find supplements for it on Amazon or health stores etc.

  • Marah S

    August 26, 2017

    But you’re all right I shouldn’t just give up when the going gets tough. Maybe reminding him of his obligation as a husband in Islam can help.

    I totally missed tasliyman’s post about PMS I have it really bad especially after giving birth, how long ago was the post? I’ll try to find it.

  • Marah S

    August 26, 2017

    It’s a good question. I guess I imagine single life would be much easier than being married. With how things are going now a lot of times I feel like I’m halfway there except I still have to deal with cooking, cleaning, looking after him, doing whatever he asks me to do, and of course his attitude, and constant rejection.

    He really doesn’t like me leaving the house without him or someone else, every once in a while I’ll ask if I can go on a walk or take the baby to the park and he usually says no or comes up with an excuse why it’s not a good idea. I think it’s a cultural thing where the married woman is expected to stay home and take care of her home and it’s considered a bad thing for her to be seen out alone or without her husbands permission.

    I remember his mom sometimes back biting about women with her friends who were seen out and about without their husband. It’s all ridiculous if you ask me. I guess that’s another thing I imagine would be easier if I were single. Taking a simple stroll in the neighborhood wouldn’t be so strange.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Sis Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good you got it out there and off your chest. LOL I hope it made you feel a bit better. Venting has a way of helping. Let’s say it’s as though one is releasing pressure so you don’t explode LOL

    I’ll have you know that what you described is probably what many moms/mums are going through right about now – dealing with working inside or outside the home, taking care of the home and children and getting prepared to get them back in school. It’s A LOT. Although I have no kids, what I do is a lot or at least think so LOL. I often wonder how you ladies all do it when you have children, let alone some who have a regular 9:00-5:00. If I had anymore on my plate I’d probably be ready for the loony bin. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif
    I’d be stark crazy…
    Hang in there, Karima. Stay conscious of Allah while you’re doing all that you do for you may be racking up huge blessings. Furthermore, when you remember Allah sincerely while doing something, the something becomes easier.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S,

    Here’s one article I found on the net that may help you out. There are more out there. “Husband Won’t Have Sex After Baby”

    Another thing you may want to consider is that in some Muslim cultures men see sex as being for procreation. Once that job is done, the men can’t be bothered any longer until it’s time to produce another one. It’s something I’ve read and heard about with regard to some Muslims from certain nationalities/cultures. I don’t know what your nationality is, only that you said you are raised of a Muslim family, not a revert/convert.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S,

    You said your husband reads Quran, studies it, memorized it, is devoted to Islamic studies, does all the obligatory acts etc. Well, then he must know that women have rights the same as men, but the men have a degree more. He should know that, if he’s been doing all that you said he has. Perhaps he simply needs a reminder from you.

    Maybe you should calmly sit him down and have a heart to heart with him. Remind him of his obligation to you, as he is your husband. Tell him that you have needs, and you want to be intimate with your husband. Tell him it’s important to keep that bond so that, Insha Allah, you could keep that love strong and the fire burning. Let him know that you need to feel wanted and desired by him. Lastly, remind him to pray to Allah, if he hasn’t already, to put the fizzazz back in the marriage.

    I agree with the others. You shouldn’t throw in the towel on your marriage. Don’t give up on it. As Flower said, you wouldn’t want him to give up on you, if it was the other way around. She said that -excellente momma!

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S,

    What Serena asked you is quite interesting and was a good question. She said, “You say you dream of being single. Is there anything in particular you want to do as a single person that you can’t do whilst being married?”

    Most of the single Muslim women out there and single non-Muslim women, as well, are searching for a husband. They’re on the internet looking around out there in cyberspace, and other places. Do you want to join that group?

    I had a heck of a good time out there when I was single. I had the time of my life the same as many non-Muslims do. I’m just grateful that when I became Muslim, when I converted, Allah forgave me for all the sins that I committed in the past.

    You, as a Muslim woman, won’t be able to live like a non-Muslim (I hope you had no thoughts of it). So if you become single, you’ll be among married Muslim women or those looking to be married.

    Is it that you want a new, different husband. Be careful what you ask for. You may get another one, but who knows what baggage he’s carrying with him. You know something will be wrong with him because no one is perfect, but Allah.

    You could still enjoy your life while being married. The same as the sisters who are in polygamous marriages. Some go out to movies, dinner, shopping, vacations etc. with family and friends. Just because you’re in a monogamous marriage doesn’t mean that you have to be all up under your husband every day and all day. As Serena mentioned, get out the house. Even if it’s to go for a walk. Get some sunshine/Vitamin D. Give your husband a chance to miss you instead of you two being cooped up in the house day and night with each other, although he may be in another room. Do what Karima did; she took the kids and went to visit her family for a month.

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Going back to the saying: “I love her for the sake of Allah” – how does she know Allah wants her to love that person?

    Allah places love in the heart, and only He knows why He did it. Maybe it’s a blessing; maybe it’s a curse; only Allah knows.

    Even if she thinks she loves someone for the sake of Allah, why the need to tell others? Shouldn’t it be between her and Allah?

    It’s important to recognize what we say and our intention for saying it.

  • Tasliyman

    August 26, 2017

    Rosa,
    I’m so glad my post helped you.

    It really is such a relief once you are able to treat it and start experiencing the difference. It made a huge difference to my life and my husband’s. If I tell him my tablets are finished he will drop everything and go buy more immediately as if his life depended on ithttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp- 
monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Flower

    August 26, 2017

    Marah s

    I wouldn’t suggest you give up on your marriage. All marriages go through highs and lows in intimacy, attention, communication etc. Think about it like this, what if it was the other way round and it was you being distant and rejecting intimacy, would you want your husband to give up on you or keep trying.

    You maybe looking for the same marriage you had, but life in general doesn’t work that way. Things change and we need to adjust and accept it. Things get better eventually if the problems aren’t to severe, which in your case I don’t think they are.

    With the intimacy issue, you need to remember you was ‘out of service’ after having the baby, it may be that during that time he was…….ahem pleasing himself, and continues to do so. He may not know when your ready and willing and by the time you’ve gotten the baby to sleep, dressed up etc, the jobs already done. It may just be as simple as that. Have you tried giving him hints that your ready to get busy in the evening rather than surprise him.

  • Marah S

    August 26, 2017

    I keep relying on the fact that Allah knows best and is the planner of all things. Every time I’m on the verge of calling it quits something happens that pulls me back. Like the other day I went into his office readly to tell him I’ve had enough then he pulls out his journal and shows me a book that he’s writing for the baby to teach her how to read Quran, keep in mind she’s not even one yet. It was so sweet I just couldn’t get the words out.

  • Marah S

    August 26, 2017

    Karima,

    I don’t have a job but I just finished my masters degree and I am very confident I could easily get a well paying job that would be enough to support me and baby.

    Serena,

    Trust me I’ve tried going in his room all dressed up and he usually just tells me he’s too tired. He and the baby do have a really good bond, she prefers him over me actually, anytime I try to take her from him she cries her little eyes out.

    Rosa,

    It makes me feel better that you say things got better for you and your husband. I’ve been so scared about having a second baby because I’m scared it would completely destroy whatever is left of this marriage

  • Marah S

    August 26, 2017

    Haha! Okay so my husband practically delivered her!! My midwife had taken a short break and my labor all of a sudden progressed really fast. Her head was right there and it was just me and him. I remember him being really calm in the moment telling me to breathe and push, and telling me her shoulders were almost out. My water broke all over him then finally the midwife showed up and she was born literally seconds later, subhanallah.

    I always thought it was a cute bonding moment for him and the baby but maybe he doesn’t see it that way.

    But it really is like someone flipped a switch after she was born. He’s so distant and I feel so rejected. I guess the things still holding me in this marriage are the fact that he really is a good man in terms of religion. He’s memorized the whole Quran and he’s constantly reciting, I hear him all day and it’s really a beautiful thing how much he loves Islam. He’s very serious about prayers and wakes me everyday for fajr, otherwise I might snore right through it. He’s never insulted me, hit me, gotten aggressive, or even said mean things. And he really loves the baby I know it would be hard to find another man who’d love my daughter as much as he does. Sigh, I don’t want to be ungrateful to Allah because I know a lot of women need husbands out there.

  • Serena

    August 26, 2017

    Salam

    Marah S

    After reading your post it’s clear your marriage is worth saving. It’s still early only 3 years. Alhumdulillah your husband provides and is good in terms of religion.

    A person doesn’t change like that for no reason. Something must be bothering him. Maybe it is because of the baby. I did pick up from your post you are together all day. He needs to get out a bit more. You should too. Take the baby out and get some fresh air yourself. Are there any mum and baby groups that you could join?

    Marah S you need to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to be intimate. Tired seems like an excuse. If that really is the case ask him why or what is making him tired. Also once baby falls asleep go into his room and give him a massage or something and see how it goes. Don’t wait for him to come into your room. I see a problem if baby wakes up and doesn’t fall back to sleep.

    Your husband also needs to bond with the baby. I suggest let him spend time alone with her. Would he look after the baby whilst you go and have a relaxing bath or maybe so you can go for a walk?

    Do you have family who you could stay with for a few days? Don’t give up on your marriage try every you can. Perhaps get someone to talk to him. Alhumdulillah he is not violent.

    You say you dream of being single. Is there anything in particular you want to do as a single person that you can’t do whilst being married?

  • Karima

    August 26, 2017

    Rosa

    I really liked your post thank you

  • Karima

    August 26, 2017

    Mara S

    Do you work? If you asked for separation or divorce would u be able to support urself?

  • Karima

    August 26, 2017

    Salam Everyone

    I am fed up of cleaning cooking taking care of House n kids!!!! I am fed up tired and exhausted! My classes start in a week and im stressed how my Child will behave during them after a 3 month break. Im stressed how i will manage that , With my son starting school too, With everything. How i can balance it n all!!!
    I cant share any thoughts or feelings With husband . He doesnt understand he doesnt care he doesnt love me.
    Yesterday he went out n came
    At 5 o clock in the morning
    He provides and in the weekend we go here n there but we are not compatible!!!

    He has his other it’s easy for him he has where to go! Whom do I have?

    Sorry for being such a cry baby I needed it to let it out. There is no solution. I’m stuck here

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    Alhumdulliah. Thanks for your kinds words. I pray the same for you, as well, dear sister. As I always say, what I write here helps keep me straight as well. It’s a reminder to me and I ask Allah to let me live what I write here, as I stand to lose a lot if I don’t do what I say. Allah lets us know how important it is to do what we tell others to do.

  • Rosa

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S

    Your husband offers his salaah and that’s a huge plus in my book. A lot of people can’t say that. You said he provides, he’s religious, has manners etc I think those are valuable characteristics worth fighting for. Marriage is hard you can’t just quit when the going gets tough. As a mother I can clearly tell you from reading your post your husband is jealous of the new baby. It happens. My marriage changed drastically after my first baby. The going started getting rough. I was infatuated with my new baby. The baby became my second priority Allah was my first. I put my husband on the back burner and it strained our marriage. We still had sex once I was up for it. I want to ask was your husband in the delivery room when you had the baby because that could have completely turned him off. It’s traumatising even more for a husband. Did your husband want children to begin with because usually a dad even tho jealous the baby is taking time love and affection away from him they still love them and spend time with them especially a first baby and the many milestones.

    The baby is only a few months. The dust hasn’t settled yet. This can just be a phase. I say fight for it. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. You will be lucky to find another man with all the good qualities your husband exhibits and also treat your child like his own. Or you can be a single mom stressing over dividing times with he child between you and your husband, child support. My husband was the same way I couldn’t say anything without sending him into a fury. I felt like I was walking on thin ice every time I was around him. But alhamdullilaah I’m here to tell you it’s just a phase. It was much better when I had my second child I learned how to balance it all. You can get through this. Don’t throw in the towel yet.

    Every day might not be a blessing but there’s a blessing in every day.

    Tasliyman
    I want to thank you for posting about your battle with PMS. And you taking vitamins/minerals to keep it at bay. Alhamdullilaah I did some research and was shocked to read the symptoms it causes and if you have five out of the 15 you definately suffer from it. I had at least ten. So I’ve started taking minerals for that and it has worked wonders. I think everyone should at least check to see if they have it because most do and don’t even know it. Like myself.

    Ana
    I want to think you for touching base on the root of unhappiness anxiety etc. A month or so ago I posted I wasn’t happy. I didn’t know why. I was putting my hopes and expectations in people when I should only put hope and trust in Allah and have faith in Him. Only He has the power to give or withhold not His Creation. It’s about Allah not about His creation. This really goes DEEP if one only ponders. I pray for you and wish you nothing but good in both worlds

  • anabellah

    August 26, 2017

    Marah S,

    I dunno know. Is your marriage worth saving? You’re living it. I say, if you have to ask, it means, YES. Otherwise, You’d get the hell out Dodge.

    You’re very young. I don’t know if you’d want to live the rest of your life like it is. It sounds that it’s his disposition, pretty much, other than the change in your sexual encounters. I doubt you’d see a whole lot of changing in him. ALTHOUGH, Allah is the Doer of what He wills. So, it can happen.

    It’s been said that when a wife has a baby, it could change things for the husband – that’s if he saw the baby coming out the vagina. I doubt he saw that with you. I never had a baby, so I don’t know. Maybe others could speak on that one.

    You know? You could separate from him. Tell him it’s not working and you want to separate, and if you don’t feel better about the marriage after the period of separation that Allah allows, you may want a divorce. If you ask for that, be prepared that he possibly may ask for a divorce. You need to REALLY be sure that you want out of the marriage before you propose such a thing to him.

    I certainly know that many out there in monogamous marriages aren’t any better off than those in polygamous ones. I know many people in monogamous marriages to say that with certainty.

    Do anyone else have any idea out there for Mara S?

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2017

    im really tired of being married right now!!!!

    It’s been three years and lately I just keep wondering what is the point. I really really don’t love my husband anymore. The issues we have are so small but they just keep piling on and for a while now it’s like I’m walking on egg shells around him. Before I start my husband is a very very good man in terms of religion, manners, providing for the family, I just don’t know if it’s enough.

    He’s always in a bad mood. It seems like I’m apologizing every other day for something and half the time I don’t even know what i did. We don’t have sex as often as before the baby, maybe twice a month where as before it was an almost everyday even multiple times a day thing. I never got anything out of it, I only ever did it for him but it was nice knowing that he wanted to be with me. Now days even when I try he’s just not in the mood, he shrugs me away. In fact he doesn’t sleep in the bed with me anymore. In the beginning it was because of the baby sleeping with me but now she’s in her crib and he still isn’t coming back. He says he doesn’t want to get in the mood since he’s “too tired” so he sleeps in his room and I sleep in mine.

    He’s too busy to spend anytime with us. We’re in the house together all day and night but out of the 24 hours we probably spend an hour together at most, and usually that’s just so he can see the baby. So for those of you out there in polygamous marriages struggling with the whole time thing, you’re not alone I’m in a monogamous marriage and struggling with the same thing.

    He does nothing to show his love. He doesn’t hug me, kiss me, give me compliments, give me gifts, he doesn’t even tell me he loves me. Sometimes I have to literally pull the words “I love you too” out of him. I’m doing everything I can to hold up my side of the marriage. Taking care of the house and home, taking care of baby. Keeping myself clean and beautiful at all times. Keeping my hair neat and done, wearing his favorite perfume, taking care of skin, wearing my makeup how he likes it, wearing appealing clothing, exercising and eating healthy to keep figure nice. Literally everything under the sun. sometimes he snaps out of his mood for like two days then he’s back to the whole passive aggressive thing. he doesn’t even bother to look nice, smell nice, or even act nice. I can’t even touch him, as in hug him or hold his hand or he shrugs away saying he doesn’t want to get “excited”.

    i don’t have a car and I can’t drive his because it’s stick shift and he refuses to do anything with us outside the home. I tried to convince him to do some kind of family activity at least once a week and every time we were out I could just tell he was so unhappy about it. He goes to all the five prayers at the masjid but I spend weeks and weeks at home, I hardly even see the sun. He’s always been a homebody but I wish he would at least make an effort to do stuff even if it’s just at home.

    So usually I’m just home, reading and memorizing Quran and taking of the baby, which is fine but It can get so lonely, this is not what I expected marriage to be like. I much rather be single, have my freedom and not have to answer to him, or deal with his constant bad moods. I don’t see what I’m getting out of this marriage, or what the point is of going on like this. I’m not perfect of course I know there are things I can do better but I can’t be chasing after him, trying to make him happy all day every day, Im doing my best. I really dream of being single, I constantly feel like I just need to tell him it’s over and go on my merry way. Allah just hasn’t allowed it to happen yet. what do you think, is my marriage worth saving at this point.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    Basically, it seems SpentMuslimah has been comparing the way her husband is with his other wife to how he is with her. SpentMuslimah is jealous that the husband didn’t come to her aid when she was sick, but had gone to the co’s aid when the co’s daughter was sick and they needed him. SpentMuslimah is jealous because the husband doesn’t want her texting him when he is with the co, because supposedly the co gets jealous, but he allows the co to text him when he’s with her. It’s a jealousy issue.

    SpentMuslimah,

    How long have you and the co been married to him? I’m assuming you married him first. If so, why are you feeling as though you’re a “mistress”? It’s usually the way someone feels when she has married 2nd, 3rd or 4th.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    Marah S,

    I get the same feeling as you – that SpentMuslimah isn’t being truthful with herself. In one breath she has said the things that go along with how one would think we are supposed to be, act and think and in another breath she talks as someone in real life talks who is struggling with trying to cope with and accept a thing. One way is the ideal and the other is the reality.

    The whole holding feelings (anger) inside and pretending one is okay doesn’t fix anything. One who does that usually is imploding and eventually will EXPLODE. One needs to deal with:

    Why she is angry?

    What is causing the anger?

    What does she need to do to stop being angry?

    Covering it up doesn’t help. It only stunts one’s growth and prevent the person from moving forward to a good place…

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    Let’s just say that in your mind you did something “for Allah’s sake”. Why are you telling anybody that? Why not keep it to yourself?

  • Marah S

    August 25, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    I think you might be lying to yourself when you act like you’re 100% okay with your marriage situation, your husband, and your co wife. You say you don’t want to complain about your husband but clearly you have some resentment towards him for a reaso. You say you love your co wife but clearly you have some issues with the way she is behaving or treating you.

    Maybe this wasn’t how you ideally saw your marriage life but you find yourself in it anyways, it’s alright if that is the case. Its okay to admit yourself if you’re struggling with sharing your husband and you feel like you’re not being treated fairly. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that there is one in the first place. Then you can go on to take the necessary steps to heal you heart, and turn to Allah.

    This Dunya was never meant to be paradise for the believers but it doesn’t mean we have to live life angry and sad. Allah has told us everything that we need in order to be happy right in the Quran, have you read the Quran in it’s entirety yet? if so do you continue to read it everyday? I don’t think you need to be searching the whole earth for a hadith about what happens when a wife is angry with her husband, just focus on reading the Quran and understanding the words of Allah and most importantly applying it to your life.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    And why do you “love” your co-wife? Is it just because your husband married the woman?

    Furthermore, Allah places the feelings in our hearts. Allah controls the heart. He says He controls laughter and tears.

    Do you have love in your heart for the woman or you don’t?

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    The whole you being supportive of polygamy for “Allah’s Sake” and loving your co-wife for “Allah’s sake”, I don’t know anything about it other than it sounds cliche to me. It’s what a lot of Muslim’s say – they do this, that and the other for “Allah’s sake”. I don’t do anything for Allah’s sake as He doesn’t need me to do anything for Him. If anything, I do it for the good of my own soul (or I wrong my own soul) and to seek the good pleasure of Allah so that Allah will be pleased with me. Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for him and we can’t anyhow.

    You either love your co-wife or you don’t? That’s it. You either accept polygamy or you don’t. That’s it. When you add “for the sake of Allah” or “for Allah’s sake” it tells me that you don’t, but know that you should or ????? who knows.

  • anabellah

    August 25, 2017

    SpentMuslimah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I suggest you try to look at what happened with you and your husband in a different way. See it really for what it was – Allah’s decision. For whatever Allah’s reason(s) was, he had your husband not go to you that evening when you was sick. Maybe Allah was testing you or maybe not. One thing I know is that Allah decided it, as it happened. Perhaps Allah was testing you for you to see that your reliance should be on HIM, not your husband or anyone or anything else. Allah took you through it, right? You made out okay, didn’t you? He protected you and all is well now.

    So, what is there left for you to dwell on it about? It’s over and done with. It’s in the past. Why are you still holding onto it and blaming your husband for it? It’s causing you the pain – not accepting Allah’s decision. You’re constantly re-living the incident in your head and listening to Satan tell you all negative things about it to keep you upset and unhappy.

    If your husband did anything wrong in handling the situation, then He will account to Allah for it. Your husband gave you the excuse that his other wife would have been jealous had he left to go to you that night. He could give you any excuse that he wants. We know the real reason is that Allah didn’t let him go to you. Just leave it there and move on…

  • Flower

    August 25, 2017

    Spentmuslimah

    Welcome to 411. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    As Ana mentioned, it depends on why your angry with your husband. Throughout Qur’an and hadith it shows us how we are supposed to treat each other. We’re never to be cruel and hurtful with our words and actions. If your angry because your husband isn’t doing the things you want him to do, then it’s a different matter, he’ll be accountable if they are obligations but if not if they’re things you want him to do but Allah didn’t make it an obligation on him. If he is verbally abusive or says hurtful things to you then you could speak to him and let him know how his words/actions affect you, he may not know that your upset by what he says/does since you hide your feelings. Communication is key, just try not to tell him in a accusatory way.

    we are all accountable for what we do and say, not just women/wives but men/husbands too.

  • SpentMuslimah

    August 25, 2017

    Jazakallah kheir sisters!

    I’ve spent last night in prayer and it has helped me to gain a little perspective. I can’t spend all my time stressing over my husband and his randomings. I would never and can never chance him, but I can change me and focus more on Allah and trust in Allah in all matters.

    I always try to suppress my anger, as I’ve learnt from hadiths, and if I need to ‘vent’ I will generally have a cry in the shower or give the oven a good scrub lol. No one can ever tell I’m angry, except the children, and I always explasin myself to them (that I’m a little fustrated and need to pray, etc.) I never blame their father, because I see my anger as my choice. And you are all right, my anger is me choosing ‘dunya over deen’ (as my husband would put it).

    I don’t want to complain about him, and I kind of blame myself for how things have gotten, but he’s hurt me and that’s what caused my anger. Yes he has another wife mashallah, I’m fully supportive of polygamy for Allahs sake (his remarrying didn’t hurt me). I love my cowife dearly and I don’t want to complain about her either, no one is perfect but she is my sister and I love for for the sake of Allah. I may not think my husband handles his women very well, but I leave that in Allahs hands and pray that Allah will show him mercy.

    One thing happened a while ago that has left a hole in my heart and I think it is the root cause of my anger. I spent the night in prayer about it and though it’s made me very anxious, I’m trying to let it go and trust in Allah. I think I grew too dependent on my husband, instead of on Allah. But it hurt alot and I’m still healing emotionally from that. It doesn’t help that I have some unknown health issue that Drs can’t explain that makes eating anything extremely painful and makes doing housework very difficult. So little things he does now (like not being able to text him when he’s with his other wife – though she can text him all she wants! Which wouldn’t normally get to me, are getting to me). I think because of what happened to put that hole in my heart that only prayer can fix.

    Last year, when my husband was with me, his wife’s daughter (she’s devorced) rang him to say they were taking her to hospital for emergency. Naturally he left that night to go tend to her, and I prayed. No issue, subhannallah, emotionally speaking. But a few months ago, when I had to go to the hospital – and I have toddlers, no friends and no family, but when I rang for my husbands help I was told “I’ll come in the morning” and had to deal with everything myself as best I could. I thought I was gonna die from the pain that night and I had no one to look after my children, instead I got the strongest pain killers I could from hospital and got discharged so that I could look after my children. Since then I’ve been hurting and felt very much alone. And my husband came at a time that most suited him (his excuse was that if he left during the night it would have triggered her jealousy – but leaving during the day did the same anyway so it was moot). Since then, everything has proved much harder, I feel more like a PA or a mistress (estafullah). He complains about me to her (he said to try and ease her jealousy, and now he sees that a bad idea that was, now she blames me for their issues and no longer talks to me). I’m emotionally all spent up.

    But you are all right, I must focus less on my husband or his wifey dramas, they’re of no concern of mine, and I must focus on Allah and on raising my children to focus on Allah too. Inshaallah.

    Jazakallah kheir again. Inshaallah may Allah SWT grant you all every happiness inshallah.

  • Rosa

    August 25, 2017

    Salaam
    SpentMuslimah welcome
    You should suppress your anger with your husband and others because it’s what Allah and Our Holy Prophet PBUH advice us to do. Do it to gain the pleasure of Allah and nearness to Him. Don’t do it for your husband because you will undoubtably be depressed and suffer anxiety.

    Are you in a polygamous marriage?

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    A lot of material out there in cyberspace and bookstores etc is written by men to make women subservient to them. Much of it leads women away from the path of Allah.

    There are no intermediaries in Islam. Christians think they have to go through (Prophet) Jesus PBUH to get to Allah. Some Muslim women think they have to go through their husbands to get to Allah. It is a huge sin to think that way. It is wrong teaching.

    If a wife focuses on her desires, her wishes and what she wants, she will have the opposite of all the good things.

    When one make life about Allah, she or he will have peace, contentment and ease in life. A wife would be the best wife that she can be and have a good marriage because her focus is on Allah. She becomes a good, God fearing, God Loving Muslimah who does good deeds. Allah loves her and she loves Him.

    We’re here for you, if you want to talk more, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    A problem I see is that you are more focused on your husband than you are on Allah. You appear to be all into him and wanting to please him. Allah is the ONE whom you should be trying to please. Allah created us and placed us on this planet to worship Him. Life is not about a spouse.

    If you’re praying and reading the Quran in order to have a better marriage then it’s a problem. We should pray and read Quran to drawer nearer to Allah in his attributes etc. We’re supposed to worship Allah in order to do good deeds so that our good deeds will outweigh our bad, so that we can enter Jannah/Paradise.

    I get a feeling that your marriage is more important to you than anything. I have found that Allah tests us with what means most to us. It could be that Allah is testing you with your marriage. Maybe it’s a blessing or maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

    So, most importantly, you need to put your focus where it belongs – on Allah, and don’t put it there seeking a result as in wanting your husband to love you more than the other wife, for you to be the favorite more loved wife or to be the best wife etc. As long as those type of things are your focus, you will have problems, pain, sadness and grief.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2017

    SpentMuslimah,

    You asked about the consequences of being angry at your husband. I have no idea of what the consequences of your anger are, as only Allah knows what you’re truly angry about and all that is associated with your anger.

    A lot of times when a person is angry at another, it is misplaced anger or the person really doesn’t know who she or he is truly angry at. It could be that the person is angry with Allah, as Allah is the one who does all things. Allah created us. We do whatever it is that we do, because He created us that way. I say He wrote the script. It takes time, studying and serious worship of Allah to get to the point of understanding that only Allah has Power and Only He has control of all things. Many wives think others (such as a spouse) have power and control along with Allah, which is a serious sin to think such a thing.

    I can tell you that Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to overlook the faults of others and to forgive. He says even when we are angry we should forgive. No one is free of faults and no one is perfect but Allah. We should forgive because after all, Allah is the one who orchestrated all that happens and He will deal with His creation with regard to what each of us do. He doesn’t need us to do it.

  • anabellah

    August 24, 2017

    SpentMuslimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    First, I’d like to welcome you and thank you for the prayer you’ve made for all of us. It saddens me to hear of what a difficult time you’re having right now trying to adjust to a polygamous life. You need to know that you are not alone. Anytime someone makes a huge lifestyle change such as the one you’ve made, one is bound to have some growing pains. After all, being in a polygamous marriage isn’t something that a woman longs for – at least no woman whom I know of or have heard about. LOL

    I think to advise you better, we need to know what exactly you’re having a difficult time with other than just being in a polygamous marriage in general. You said that you’ve tried talking with your husband, but it makes no difference. What is going on that is troubling you. Is it the schedule or ???

  • Karima

    August 24, 2017

    Salam

    Sis Spent Muslimah welcome to the blog! I too am very angry and bitter at my husband for the same reasons u wrote about n a Tons more!!!!! And even more angry at myself!!!!! Long story< insecurities , anxiety, wrong choices , husband lies.

    Sorry I can't help u, I'm sure Ana and the Sisters will!

    May Allah make it easy on all of us

  • SpentMuslimah

    August 24, 2017

    Assalam alaikum sisters,

    Inshaallah I pray you are all doing well and that Allah SWT grants us all ease and comfort in this world and the next inshaallah Ameen.

    I’m just wondering if someone might be able to answer a question I have. I have tried searching in google and visiting the website that my husband reccommends. I’ve read the quran and prayed, but this question is causing alot of anxiety in my mind. That’s the question of what happens if the wife goes to bed angry with the man?

    I have read the hadiths about when the husband is angry with the wife, so I am always anxious not to make my husband angry. All I can find is about when the husband is angry at the wife, nothing explaining what happens if the wife is the angry or hurt party. But lately I have been so angry at my husband, I don’t let it show (not even passive agressively – I cry in provate when I need to but and pray at other times) and I pray, but he has hurt me alot, especially lately (Allah is Al Muqsit) and I don’t know what to do.

    I’ve rewitten this message so many times, as I don’t want to complain about my husband, he is a good man and I do love him dearly. I think he’s just taken me for granted and forgotten that I have feelings the same as any wife or woman. He is what he is, I can’t change him. All I can do is pray and try to cope with these feelings on my own, I just don’t understand the consqiuences of how I feel. I never want to leave my husband, and I’ve tried talking to him about how his actions are affecting me. But it makes no difference, he’s set in his ways.

    I’m just so tired and stressed and emotionally worn lately I’ve no idea how to keep my persona of calm, loving, dutiful wife up when I feel like a flat tire.

    I’m sorry for the rant, sisters. Walaikum Assalam…

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Marah S,

    I, too, think those situations are really tough to call. They are sticky situations. Really, it’s just life. We all have got a story. No one is exempt. After all, this is planet Earth. It’s not Jannah/Paradise. No one has an ideal, picture perfect life on this planet.

    They were all living together and things were seemly fine until he married the other and the first found out her husband and the other had an ongoing relationship before they married, but while the first was married to him.

    Now that the other is “married” to him, she could tell first wife to go fly a kite if first wife doesn’t like it. Especially as the husband has got her back. He said he won’t divorce either and it’s on them to leave if they want to.

    So, the ball is in the first wife’s park, if she doesn’t like it. She can leave. Although we know she’s not going anywhere unless or until Allah wills it. She can simply make her intention and wait and see…

    My question is the same as Serena’s. Where was she the whole time the other was having an affair with the man who wasn’t her husband at the time. There had to be some sign that the first overlooked or didn’t want to acknowledge, whether it was a touch or sensual eye contact or something….

  • Marah S

    August 21, 2017

    Flower,

    These situations are really tough, I mean what can she do? I’d say she certainly has good, valid reasons to leave the marriage but, uIf she doesn’t want out of the marriage and neither does her husband, and the co-wife isn’t budging either the only thing she can do is be patient, and pray that Allah grants her or the co a new home soon.

    It won’t benefit her to scream and holler about it, it will only increase her grief.

    I totally understand her pain though, if one of my close friends and my husband betrayed me this way I don’t know how I would cope. It’s got to be really really hard, may Allah make it easy for her.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Serena

    I think the co is being understanding from what I can see, but the sister feels like she just watching all the drama. Sorry for the mix up.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    I have sent the sister the link to the blog to read the replies. Insha’allah she’ll read and reply.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Ana

    Oh you made me laugh, about it gives you anxiety thinking about it, me too!!. I would have already done lost my mind. I don’t think she knows how well she’s doing considering no one’s been seriously injured.

    I have directed her to this blog (that was the first thing I did), I assume she’s not into blogging, then again, niether was most till we was in polygamy. I hope she comes and reads the answers, I’ll let her know there have been some awsome replies.

    If anyone else can give there input I’m sure she’d appreciate it. ❀

  • Serena

    August 21, 2017

    Tell her about this blog. Let her post here herslf and to read the posts here.

  • Serena

    August 21, 2017

    I never said the other should take the blame for the first’s actions. Its not right the other is in her home/face when she is going through the pain of polygamy that most woman feel as well as the betrayal.

    Flower on one hand you said the co is watching the family fall apart and doesn’t want to move out then you say she seems patient and understanding.

    Advice your friend to try and move on from the past. Tell her to connect with Allah. Explain to her how she can come to deal with emotions.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Sis Serena,

    Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have them at all. I certainly can understand how she has them and how she’s unable to control them. I simply think that she should not blame the other for having to witness her behavior LOL I think I’d be fit to be tied had it happened to me. I’d go bat sh!t crazy…

  • Serena

    August 21, 2017

    You are right Ana she shouldn’t be having them especially not in front of the other.

    She found out they had an affair. She is dealing with polygamy. At times she might not be able to help how she feels. She could be talking or having an outburst in her own room but yet the other could still hear.

    The first needs to find other ways to deal with emotions and all she is going through. Its all new to her so until that time she may have no choice but to have tantrums and outbursts.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Flower,

    I agree with you. Things should get much better for her once they all are no longer under the same roof. It’s not a healthy situation at all with them living together as they are and frankly could be quite dangerous. It causes me anxiety just thinking about what it’s like for them now.

    The question is whose house is it? Whose name is it in legally? Do they own the house or are renting/leasing? What’s the laws in the country in which they live? Who has the right to throw someone out the house. All those factors matter. Where I live the legal husband and wife owns the property regardless of whether both are on the legal documents or not, if they acquired it during the marriage.

    As Serena stated, she should get her wali involved. If no wali then she should get a male Muslim family member involved to help sort the problem out. I understand it’s now easy for her to pack her kids up and move out. Maybe she can go seek legal counsel about what her options are. I totally understand her frustration and anger. I certainly could see myself flipping out, had it happened to me.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    The first wants to control the emotions in regards to her husband. Naturally her pain is hurting him. From what iv seen/been told the co doesn’t mind too much and is kinda taking it as part of the repercussions from the whole thing. The co seems really patient and understanding.i think that once they do have their own space, She’ll find it a lot easier. Its just getting over the first few hurdles, As we all have to.

    100% Ana, we cannot blame others for our actions/words.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    I see it as a good thing when men and women who have had illicit relationships get married. They are meant for each other.

    “Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty or an Unbeliever nor let any but such a man or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden.”
    Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 3

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Flower,

    I can understand the first wanting her own place. Insha, she’ll get one soon.

    The way I see it is the first wife can leave if she doesn’t want to be in that situation any longer. The husband has already said she could walk if she doesn’t like it. If she can’t afford to leave then she has no choice but to be patient. Maybe the husband and the other wife will leave together eventually.

    About the other wife witnessing the first wife’s tantrums and outbursts, well, first wife needs to stop having them if she doesn’t want the other wife to see it. The other wife can’t take the blame for the first wife’s lack of control, emotional outbursts and tantrums. Come on now…

  • Serena

    August 21, 2017

    Flower

    I don’t understand why the friend has been living with them even before polygamy and she never realised anything was going on between the friend and husband. Why wasn’t she with her family in the first place?

    The first wife needs to talk to her husband and tell him clearly she wants the other out of their house. She should remain firm on her decision.

    Both wives need their own privacy and it’s not right if the second is witnessing the firsts tantrums and outbursts.

    Most importantly the first wife should not be dealing with this alone. She should get her wali involved.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Ana

    What I get from her is that she just wants her own space. I wrote all the details I knew of the situation, just incase anyone wondered if she lived there due to circumstances rather than wanting to live there. I certainly see your point, it’s such a tough situation, I think.

    I knew I’d get an all round look at it from all the sisters here. A fresh pair of eyes so to speak.

    Thanks sis. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Flower,

    The wife has to see her fault in that she along with her husband let another female into their home to live with them (regardless of the reason). That was just asking for trouble.

    What’s important is that the husband and the other woman are married now. They are doing the right thing now. Hopefully they asked Allah for forgiveness, repented, and Allah has forgiven them for what they did.

    I get the feeling from your post that the one wife thinks because the other one has no children, has a good job and money and had sinned with the husband behind her back she should move out because the husband and she (first wife) are unhappy. I don’t see it that way.

    If the husband wants her gone, he would say so. He said he wants her. If the husband is unhappy, that’s his problem. He need to take that up with Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Flower,

    I see it that the wife who married first needs to make her intention to stay or leave – make her intention and then put her faith and trust in Allah about it – see where it goes. The husband says he won’t divorce either of his wives and the other wife says she’s not going anywhere. So, they know what they want to do. It’s on the first wife as to what she wants and intends to do.

    I understand the other wife saying she’s not going any place. Really, why should she?

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    She herself has asked the co to move out but she refuses to and says “this is for life” The husband is aware he has to deal with the consequences of the affair and his heartbroken wife. He said he’s never going to let any of them go (divorce) but if one of them wants a divorce he will give it to them.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Hiya all.

    I’m in contact with a sister who’s been in polygamy for 3 months. I’m going to tell her story (with her permission) just to get some feedback.

    She’s been married 15 years and has children. Her co wife is/was her best friend. She was informed about their want to be married and was ok with it, or as ok as you can be, she accepted her into her family as a wife. She was told 1 month ago that her husband and friend had been having an affair for her entire marriage. They had all lived together before polygamy and continue to do so now. She’s aware she has a right to her own home and that is what she wants, they are saving to buy a complex so both wives would have their own spaces.

    She obviously struggling with polygamy itself and the lies and betrayal on top of that. Like most in the beginning stages she’s thinking of divorce quite often. The co wife has no problem with the living arrangements and is basically watching the family fall apart in front of her. She has family and a good job so could find somewhere else to live in the meantime, but doesn’t want to. The husband is withdrawn and unhappy. 1st wife is having trouble controlling her emotions and outbursts. The co doesn’t have any children.

  • anabellah

    August 21, 2017

    Tasliyman & Flower, I second that!

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Tasliysman.

    You’re so right, after a man gets to know His wife, he knows what makes her happy, it’s usually putting the other wife down. A lot of men do this so he doesn’t have to listen to any complaining. A wife needs to check herself if she finds she’s happy about another woman’s mistreatment. If a wife has to keep hearing or telling herself the husband doesn’t love the other she’s got some serious issues.

  • Flower

    August 21, 2017

    Azam

    There is a HUGE difference between being in the same house as a child who isnt yours and pretending a child is yours, calling her ‘our’ daughter, having pictures taken with her, whispering in her ears and going on days out.

    Even though I have permission from my co to be around HER children I still don’t and would NEVER do the things your doing. I don’t have a single picture of me and her children (I do of mine and hers together) but NOT ME. I don’t whisper anything in their ears, I make dua for them to Allah. I cook for them, clean up after them, sometimes play with them, buy them things, talk to them but NEVER NEVER NEVER call them my own, or pretend we’re one big happy family, that doesn’t involve THEIR MOTHER. I Do the things a good step parent/fathers other wife would do.

    My husband doesn’t deal with small babies outside the home, on the odd occasions he brought one of the babies to the other home it was AGREED with the other wife she would use her woman instincts to help him. We change nappies and things of that nature. I’ll give an example of BOUNDERIES. Once my co’s 1 year old was at my home. He was crying and fussy, husband didn’t have a clue what was wrong (that’s why he don’t deal with small children) I knew he was tired, I told him he needed a nap. I didn’t pick him up, lay him in my arms are rock him to sleep, kiss him on his forehead and sing lullabies. I wouldn’t like that to happen with my baby when their father is right there. So he took him home to his mother so she can do her mothering. You see, you don’t and shouldn’t be cruel but you shouldn’t try to take the place of the mother.

    I second everyone else with the “he loves me more” thing, ok fine, but the girl is still her daughter, your husbands love for you doesn’t give you rights over their daughter. Saying you have a screw loose maybe a bit harsh but there’s is DEFINETLY something wrong with a person who pretends to be the mother of a child who isn’t theirs. I wouldn’t have thought anyone needed to receive guidance to know they didn’t give birth to a child so therefore they are not yours.

  • Tasliyman

    August 21, 2017

    There’s a lot of disturbing factors that comes through from Azam’s posts but what gets to me the most is:

    1. That her husband would deny being the father of his child in front of people
    2. That Azam has no issue with this, she actually seems happy about it.

    Whether he really does it or just says he does it to make Azam feel secure doesnt change the fact that he’s behaviour is shameful to say the least. I just have no respect for a man like that and my heart breaks for his child!!!!

  • Rosa

    August 21, 2017

    Marah s

    Love your post. A woman should be so lost in the love of Allah that a man has to seek Allah in order to find her. I love that saying so beautifully written. Love from Allah’s creation doesn’t get you far. It’s not that deep.
    Who gives a flying kite
    Azam please stop trying to act remorseful now and tell us that’s why you are here to get help. None of your posts mention how bad you feel and guilty doing the things you do. You seem more to be bragging about it. Each post you highlight how highly disrespectful you continue to behave. As a mother you should understand how wrong you are. I feel completely saddened for your co. Your husband has some nerve too

    May Allah guide us on the right path and strengthen us to develop a mind frame of liking for onces brother what they like for themselves.

  • Rosa

    August 21, 2017

    Pakistani culture aside. Azam is not being respectful and sadly doesn’t seem to find anything wrong in her dealings with the co’s daughter which seems like a horror movie, no remorse, doesn’t want her co and husband to have intimate relations and have more children, pretends as if she cares the co has a heart problem yet continues to do things that if the co found out, would send her heart into a fury so it seems like azam doesn’t accept polygamy as well. Change starts with self

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    SO WHAT!!??? August 2017 Discussions Polygamy 411

    No, but seriously, Marah S, that was a super good post for us all.

  • Marah S

    August 20, 2017

    Azam,

    I have my doubts but even if it’s true that he loves you more, SO WHAT!!??? What does that add to your life? What benefits are you getting from him loving you more? Is his love for you going to get you in jannah? Does his love for you mean that Allah also loves you more? Does his love for you even increase the quality of your life? Does his love for you heal your illness? Seriously who cares? He’s not god! he’s not even special in terms of regular human beings.

    Seriously we women need to stop placing our self value on such stupid things. He loves you more and you’re still in a worse situation than the wife he loves less. It’s almost laughable how some of us women are about love, it’s unrealistic and it’s completely foolish. If only we were this passionate about the love of Allah.

    You keep mentioning it and seriously, I don’t know what you want for being the favorite wife, a round of applause? A trophy? A gold medal?

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Azam,

    Think about what you said. You said your husband doesn’t like babies and he’s detached from his child. Then why on earth does he travel with the kid? Why does he take the child to see you, if he doesn’t particularly care for the child? Wouldn’t it make more sense that he would leave the child with it’s mother then, if he feels negatively about the child?

    And what do you whisper in the child’s ear? I hope you’re not trying to work some voodoo or witchcraft type suff on her.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Azam,

    I could understand why your husband’s wife wants nothing to do with you. Have you read the material on this website about Pakistani people and their culture? Although they claim to be Muslim, they do not believe in, nor accept polygamy. You’re fighting a losing battle in trying to get her to accept that you and she are both his wives. They don’t believe in sharing, especially with outsiders and don’t want any parts of polygamy. Forget about his and her family accepting you; I don’t foresee it happening based on all I’ve learned about Pakistani people and their way of life.

    Furthermore, Pakistanis believe the women need to be virgins before marriage. You said you had an ongoing relationship with him before he married you. It’s another strike against you. Besides, he only married you after he had married his other; although he was with you for many years before he married her.

    It may be true that his other wife feels and thinks that her husband loves you more than he loves her. He may very well love you more. So, what does that mean? There are non-Muslims who are married and have mistresses. The husbands may love their wives, but are in love with their mistresses. To love someone and being in love have their differences. What’s love got to do with it? Love is important in a marriage, but it’s not all that there is to it.

    I see more and more how many of these polygamous marriages are built on lust. They don’t have good foundations. It’s very sad.

  • Serena

    August 20, 2017

    Azam

    She probably had no choice but to hunt you down because she was probably fed lies from her lying husband. She took matters into hwr own hands because she wanted answers about her husband’s relationship with other woman.

    You could say to your husband please don’t bring their child to you without the child’s mother knowing. You could have walked away telling him what he is doing is wrong.

  • Serena

    August 20, 2017

    MrCollies

    I think you need to be honest with your wives. You say second does not know first will be coming back. You should have made it clear to second you and first are still together and first moving to family is only temporary.

    You can slowly break it to second that first is coming back soon. You also said you have to steal time to see your first wife. Do you mean you have to go secretly to visit her and your son so second wife doesn’t find out?

    Based on what you have posted your second may feel she is superior as a wife and have less regards to the fact you still are a husband to the first wife.

    Don’t make one wife feel more important than the other and don’t talk bad ever to one about the other.

    Tell them you understand they don’t want to be friends but same time you don’t want them fighting. Tell them why you want them to be civil towards each other. They are adults and tell them to behave like adults.

    You need to be clued on to see what they fight about. To see which wife is more likely to cause problems. You need to set up some rules and boundaries that both woman don’t cross.

  • Azam

    August 20, 2017

    Guidance is what I had hoped for being that I am new to all of this. I think somethings get twisted in what I mean. Example, his daughter with his wife, how was I to know how to address the child? I am not going to be cold and said get that child away from me. That is a big issue I had hoped to get guidance for. I wouldn’t like someone else pretending to be a mother to my daughter. But saying someone has a screw lose, just because they are trying to get guidance. … I would like to say, his wife “hunted ” for me and knew about me for 2 years. Once she found me and I found out that they were married and had a child her words to me were “I have known for years he loves you and not me” she said she found text messages between us the first day she came to the states…. she says she is alone here and I have reached out to her to let her know it doesn’t have to be that way. I have stepped away from her because she doesn’t want that, and I don’t blame her for feeling that way.

  • Serena

    August 20, 2017

    Salam

    Azam

    I don’t understand why you posted that information. Was it just to get it off your chest or were you seeking advice/opinions from others? Sympathy perhaps someone to say yes a huge rewars awaits you?

    I am with the others here regarding their child. She is not your child. How can you believe your lying husband when he says that’s his niece when he takes the child out and you are not there. You also say you notice he is not so close to his daughter. He may act certain ways and say stuff to you about their daughter when you are there as he knows the type of person you are just to keep you happy.

    He is the childs father and Pakistani men are usually very protective when it comes to their daughters and female relatives. As much as they love having sons they do completely adore their daughters. I have seen it in many Pakistani families. The daughters are the apple of their dads eye.

    You have realised you are selfish especially on saying you don’t want them to have another child. I don’t think you really care about whether she has a heart condition because if you did you wouldn’t be doing half the things you are.

    I don’t have any sympathy for your situation in. You are a mother a woman where is empathy for your husbands wife. You should at least do the decent and tell your husband man up and tell his wife about you and be fair regarding both of you.

    Also the suffering your facing in your marriage is what you have signed up to.

  • Rosa

    August 20, 2017

    Azam is definitely missing a screw or two or three. InshaAllah she gets the help she so desperately needs. I keep trying to put my feet in her co’s shoes and if I ever came out to find out such a thing where my child has honestly been all the times I thought she was solely with her father, bonding yet she was with a delusional person so help me God. I would not be responsible for what I might do next. Us women can take a lot but when it comes to our children our actions can be unpredictable. All bets are out the door. Gloves are off. Azam is disrespectful as well as the common denominator in all this. The husband.

  • ummof4

    August 20, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Azam I agree with the rest of the sisters. The ayat in the Qur’aan tells us not to attribute parentage of children to those who are not the parents. Your husband’s daughter is not your daughter, her mother is still alive and well and you only see the girl occasionally when she is with your husband. She is your husband and his other wife’s daughter, not his niece. You and your husband sound scary to me, attributing parentage to others than the real biological parents. Please stop doing this and correct your husband as well.

    To all my sisters and brothers out there in cyberspace, remember that Allah is our Lord, Creator and Sustainer. Let’s attempt to live our lives in recognition of this fact and not take anyone or anything other than Allah as our Lord, Creator and Sustainer.

    Mr. Collies if you truly want peace in your life, keep your wives in separate housing. Forget the one big happy family concept. Maybe it worked for other people that you know, but it certainly is not working for you. Maybe one day it will, but for now, leave your wives separate and let them decide if they want to become friends or not. They are grown women with their own minds who do not need you to think for them.

    Mr. Collies, do you like 2 women fighting over you? Does it make you feel good, or do you like the excitement? If you truly want drama and confusion in your life, bring them back together and let the fireworks begin!

  • Marah S

    August 20, 2017

    Azam,

    The hand that rocks the cradle is exactly what your post reminded me of. As a mother it’s just plain scary to think that someone could do the things you’re doing. I don’t know how you make it out to be okay. If I were your co-wife and I found out I may consider getting a restraining order because it’s just not something, normal, sane people do. That baby is not your daughter, the way you say “our daughter” seriously gave me chills. I’m almost hoping that this all one big joke and you’re just messing with us.

    You need to get it together. You’re making that man into your lord to the extent that you’re starting to lose it, from reading your posts I must add that he doesn’t even sound like a catch, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that people as messed up as your husband actually exist. May Allah guide him. he sounds like a liar, a manipulator, and just plain narcissistic. I really feel bad for your co-wife and I keep her in my dua’s I hope that she is a strong believer to bare all of this with faith and patience.

    I don’t know what makes you think you’re going to get some big reward for what you’re doing, I’m sure Allah didn’t tell you that himself so who is this person who thinks they can speak for Allah?

    please take care of yourself and do try to increase in worship and rememberance of Allah because you seem like you’re deludeding yourself to the point way past normal. This is what happens when you make people into your mini gods.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Azam’s last post was disturbing to me, which is why I responded to her so harshly. Based on the posts of you all to her, I sense I wasn’t alone about it.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Azam posted under another name before. I changed the name on her previous posts and the replies all to “Azam”. Although she didn’t ask me to make the change, I had an idea why she changed her user name, which made sense.

  • Tasliyman

    August 20, 2017

    Azam, did you post before as Leigh? Your story sounds a lot like hers.

  • Flower

    August 20, 2017

    Azam

    I agree with Ana and Rosa. And would also add you need to stop being delusional. Your co wife daughter is NOT yours. I find it very disturbing that you A) call her “our” daughter and B) you tell strangers that she is your daughter too. Just because your husband lies to strangers doesn’t mean you should go along with it. If it were me, id correct him real quick and tell whoever is asking she is my step daughter. That child has a mother and it isn’t you. It reminds me of the film “The hand that rocks the cradle” it’s waaay creepy. I think you said last time that you all take pictures and ‘pretend’ to be a happy family.

    I get you love your co wifes daughter but you MUST keep boundaries, especially in your head. I would never even dream of being involved with my co’s children without her knowledge and permission, and i definetly wouldnt call them “our” children. The children have the same father NOT mother. Imagine when the littel girl gets older, would you tell her you used to pretend she was your child, can you see how strange that is?

  • Karima

    August 20, 2017

    Salam

    Ana i did offer salah n feel better Alhamdulellah.

    I also told husband what happened n he said why arent You accounts private? I said from now on insta is private too:) i told him pls let her to Leave me in peace i want nothing to do With her its u who chose her not me!!! He said nothing he didnt say im not With her n all. Which means Yes he is With her …i hope they are at least married . God will deal With all of us on judgement day that makes me scared but also gives me hope.

    How to have respect for a husband who doesnt have the guts to spill it out! I always have to read between the lines n i might get things wrong.

    No i dont plan to Leave him or scream . I talked calmly n politelY Alhamdulellah . We are both here because of the kids and Honestly nΕ‘ne of us likes to go out our comfort zone. Well see how it goes

    One thing is apart from This blog and Allah i have no one to express my deepest feelings and emotions. Its sad but at least i have u guys.

    Thank You all jazak Allah kheir

  • Rosa

    August 20, 2017

    Azam

    I’m at a lost for words. You seem to have no heart no conscious. I would be irate if I found out my husband had an ongoing affair then secret marriage with a woman then had a nerve to have my child around her without my knowledge. The fact you don’t see anything wrong with it baffles me. If your husband doesn’t like small babies then he would have gotten a vasectomy to avoid ever having to have one so please stop deluding yourself. Like ana said the Pakistani wife is getting the better end of the stick. His time, affection, your husband is claiming her as his first wife and only wife in that matter yet you continue to bash her and pretend he doesn’t love his wife and the mother of his child. If I was your co wife I would never ever want to be in the same vicinity as you let alone have a. Conversation and get to know each other. You’re disrespectful.

    You need to focus on your health and getting closer to Allah not worrying about moving closer to a man, abducting the wife’s daughter and all the foolishness. We never know when our last breathe would be.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    And may Allah continue to shower you with His blessings as well😊

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Karima,

    I love you too, my dear sister⚘

  • Karima

    August 20, 2017

    My Sis Anabella

    I was expecting Your reply to be Sthng like. “No wonder Your are in This mess as u and ur husband seem to be more like the non believers- muslim by name only”. I do feel like that at times πŸ™

    Either way the fact u didnt scold me rather u gave me ur opinion With love
    N true care makes me wanna do the right thing. I love u and i consider u my friend may Allah shower u With With blessings and All of u here!!!

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    MrCollies,

    I suggest you stand up to your wives and be the authoritative figure that you are suppose to be – the head of the household. Your wives are leading you around and controlling you. It’s as though you are in a tug of war. One wife is pulling you in one direction while the other pulls you in another. You have made them your gods when there is only ONE God and it’s not either of your wives.

    If you want to have peace and tranquility in your life and dwell together with love between them and you, you need to let them know that the bickering and fighting with you must stop. It’s not about them being with and getting along with each other. It’s about them respecting you as their husband. Don’t make it about the two of them needing to get along with each other.

    You have got to let them know that you will set them free if they continue to carry on as they have been doing. If you let them know that you are sincere and will let them go, if they are so unhappy and can’t work with you to have peace and tranquility in your lives, they would probably straighten up and fly right. If they don’t, then you’ve got to man up and divorce the one(s) who is resistant. You’ve got to show them that you mean business and you’re not playing around.

    It’s what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did to get the respect of his wives when they were causing him trouble and making demands etc. Allah revealed a verse (in the Quran) to him that He would replace those wives of his who were causing him trouble, if they continued to be problematic. He would replace them with those who had been married before or virgins. Needless to say, the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives straightened up and flew right. Allah’s prophets are our examples.

    Stop letting the tail wag the dog and be the dog that wags the tail. Put on your strong suit. Man up! Grow a pair.

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Karima,

    Insha Allah, pray to Allah that He will forgive you for not having offered your salat prayers as He prescribes. Ask Him to have Mercy on you and to allow you to offer said prayers as He instructs us to do. Persevere and be constant. Don’t despair even if it doesn’t happen for you quickly. Be persistent and don’t ever give up. Sometime possibly we’re tested to see how earnest we are and how badly we want to do the right thing. Stay strong…

  • MrCollies

    August 20, 2017

    I have not told my second wife that my first wife and son are moving back home in december, last time we spoke about the house was in February was that I was going to sell the house, last week, my second wife found out that I had opened a company like her, she was a bit concerted and said i should have told her

  • MrCollies

    August 20, 2017

    Thank you all for your response, make sense, really appreciate, Im fortunate that they have not left as yet, and I will try hard to consider their feeling first, I know most is all about me, for now situation that my first wife is by her family make things coz time we spend its less, but soon we going home, that gap its ganna open, were I will have to sleep over and when I leave my second wife for days the second wife is gona start fighting same with my first wife she gona do the same, then they gona start fighting, but if they get along there will be less of competing and fights, we moving in december and my second wife and I are buying a a new house december, currently we renting, I need to find a way but same time, I cant afford any fights, I need coz its straining the focus on business, I need to work hard and wen one cries, I really cant deal with anything else, I dont want to cause any pain, I just want to provide for my family, thats y i come for advice, to find a way, I understand that I need to back off with trying to get them to get along but how m i gona to handle the situation wen we go home I need your help, and need to do something, soon we need to go sign for marriage and department of home affairs need both women to sign and both of them need to be there to sign how i m going to handle it if they cant stand each other, there only way forward according to my understanding is them finding a common ground, for now its like I’m stealing time to spend with my first wife, I do not want to do that, I did not start well with my second wife as I was cheating and ended up marrying her, I need to fix this, please assist,

  • anabellah

    August 20, 2017

    Azam,

    It’s strange to me that what you said sounds a lot like what Mari2 said about her husband who is Pakistani and her co: “his family was about to send her back to Pakistan and divorce because everyone in the home could not get along with her but then she found out she was pregnant.” It’s just weird to me, especially the similarity. Do they all say that who are in that situation. I really thing those Pakistani men have been schooled in the art of deception.

    And then he tells you that when he has his child with him and you are not with the two of them, he tells people that the baby is his niece. He doesn’t own up to being the father of his child. Don’t you question if it’s true or not that he does and says that? You’re not there, so you have no way of knowing if it’s truth or a lie. He already lies to his wife in that he omits telling her that he is married to you. You know he is not forthright. He’s not an honest man.

    You need to look at the reality. You said he told you that he “accidentally” got his wife pregnant. Well, apparently he doesn’t mind having sexual intercourse with her. You make it out that he doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her, yet he gets busy entering her. He doesn’t mind that part of what marriage to her has to offer him.

    You need to deal with the fact that he won’t openly tell his wife about you. You may suspect that she knows about you. Suspecting and knowing are two different things. She and his Pakistani family mean enough to him that he married her and are keeping you the secret. So as much as you want to make out that you are superior to her, better than her, more loved than her, you need to acknowledge what is most important to him. It’s his Pakistani family and his Pakistani wife. You said your heart hurts for her because of her physical heart problem. Your heart needs to hurt for yourself that you fell in love with a man who won’t man-up and acknowledge to his wife that you are his wife as well.

    The person who said you’re going to gain rewards after this that are bigger, what is she basing that on? Where did she get it from?

    I could imagine what I’d be going through if I was diagnosed with cancer. It wouldn’t be about no husband either. It would be about when my time will be up and where I’m going after this world’s life. We all have to die one day, but when one is diagnosed with something as serious as cancer, I would think that maybe my time will be up sooner than later. I don’t mean to offend. I’m just telling you my thoughts about all that you’ve said. To hell with a man, husband or anyone else when I’ve got cancer or had it.

    Many women who married first think they are the “elite” and many women who married 2nd think they are the most loved and have replaced the first wife. They all tend to delude themselves. Allah says the best person is the one who is the most righteous. It’s what a sensible, God Fearing, God Loving person would strive to be.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2017

    I meant to say its expected from him and from me to stay married even like This.

  • Karima

    August 20, 2017

    Salam

    Its eating me already from inside This whole thing….. i think i will Tell him what happened.

    Many times reading the posts here generally,
    I read that its not the end of the world if a husband marrries a second or more wives. Other women have nothing and much worse things can happen…i am simply asked to share….

    Well i wasnt asked if i wanted to share to begin With. I was promised he wouldnt marry more women and in case he would ” fall in love” he Shoudl Tell me about it before he would f**k around.

    I understand Ana it was silly of husband to promise all that as it was silly of me to ask them. I am not God we dont control whats happening and he was a fool too to promise such things.

    Time n time again i am thinking of This amicable Agreement as to just stay married to him but have no intimate relations. I cant divorce because of financial reasons ( n the kids) , indont have a secure job. Im working on that but it will take time.

    Maybe its my big ego of feeling humiliated n not forgiving and accepting my fate. Maybe I have hope it will get better n I will feel love again for husband and I will also feel his love. Maybe he will let me go and separate nicely!!! Oh I wish we could do that. Divorce nicely but stay friends and having not to worry he might take my kids.

    Till some miracle happen, or should i see until whats written for me will take place i have to be patient and work on not letting This Eat me up and concentrate on my work and kids. Just is not easY taking care of House kids work every day like This… i can handle it better Than before alhamdulellah but Still sometimes its hard …

    The other thing is , i believe her goal is to upset me so ill have a fight With husband. I believe she wants him just for herself. Honestly she can have him as i dont want him- he doesnt love me, doesnt make me feel as a woman-only as a great mother and housekeeper. He keeps saying family is the most important thing so i believe he is also caught up in This marriage staying because its expected of him to stay as its expected from him.

    Buttom line is. Why woudl God make it easY on us since we dont pray? Just on n off and continuously only in Ramadan?:(

  • Azam

    August 20, 2017

    As some know already I am a second wife. I had no idea he had married over 4 years ago in Pakistan and the first wife has been here 2 years, they have a child together that I have grown to love deeply, whisper prayers for her in her ear even though she’s too young to understand. I tell her that I am so glad Allah brought her into our lives no matter how she got here. The first wife does not know that I spend time with our daughter/her daughter. My husband and talked about trying to have a child together but because of my cancer treatment it is now impossible and just got those results. However, he has told me he isn’t sure if he wants anymore because he also helped me raise my daughter from my previous marriage. He was wonderful to my daughter but I have noticed he is not as close to his own daughter. He says “I don’t like little babies ” after I found out that he was married is when I met his daughter, I had mixed feelings but I am smitten with her and she is smitten with me as well. However, if he takes her out in public and I am not with them, someone may ask him “is this your baby?” He will say no it’s my niece but if I am with them he will say proudly, “this is our daughter ” until I found out about his marriage and child I believe he was ashamed of his own child, he said he “accidentally” got his wife pregnant and his family was about to send her back to Pakistan and divorce because everyone in the home could not get along with her but then she found out she was pregnant. I know this is very selfish of me, I have prayed so hard for what I am about to say, I did till my husband that if he has another child I could not handle that for 2 reasons, it would hurt me to stand back and watch him have another with someone else when Allah gave me one child and miscarried the child I would have had with my husband several years ago (not married at that time) then I got the cancer. The second issue is his first wife has a very serious heart problem which caused our/their daughter to be born early and I am scared for her and the possible second child…. I am officially moving to be closer to him, so we have more time together during the day since I do not get nights with him. Being a second wife is emotionally and mentally difficult, I do pray Inshallalha that his first wife would give me a chance to get to know me through me, spend time to get to know each other she has known about me for over 2 years. My heart does hurt for her because she got married off to someone she did not even know who was already having life with my daughter and me. A friend told me that even though my suffering is large right know that my reward after this will be bigger, but I do have guilt of me hurting her, she has admitted to me a few times she knows our husband loves me and he doesn’t love her.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2017

    I fixed a error I made in the post to Karima. I changed “can’t” to “can” just forget about something as minor as that. Sorry for any errors. I typed in a hurry.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Of course I don’t know your husband’s other, so I don’t know if she was sincere in liking the pics of your kids or she just wanted to ruffle your feathers after not having contacted you in ten months. Whatever it was, you did the right thing by making your Instagram account private. That way you don’t need to concern yourself with her snooping around there or having input there in anyway. I suppose you could expect that she would go to your accounts, be it Face Book, Twitter, Whatsapp, Instagram and any of the other social media networks. Just make them all private to prevent the problem in the future, Insha Allah.

    You asked why she can’t just sort it out with your husband. I suppose it’s just not that easy. The same as it isn’t easy for you to just accept that he is with her. It all goes back to him knowing you won’t truly accept or at least haven’t and he doesn’t want to rock the boat any further in being open and honest with you and living with her as husband and wife. Allah knows best. There is no simple answer. You could imagine that she is frustrated with the situation the same as you are.

    Whether you tell your husband that she liked the pic on your Instagram, depends on you. I’m the type of person that need to get info. out there or else it festers and eats at me to the point it eventually come out one day. Sometimes it’s best just to get it out there and be done with it. Other people are good and can just forget about something as minor as that. Alhumdulliah. Insha Allah, tell your husband that she liked the kids pic. It’s not a crime for her to like a pic…. Ya know what I’m saying… It better than she having had said something derogatory about it or doing something negative.

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2017

    Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah that things are going well for you. It’s good news. It’s nice that you get along well with your co-wife, although I find it interesting that your husband feels a need to meet with an Imam to talk about making a schedule for you all when you and your co get along with each other. Why don’t you, she and he work together to make your own schedule. Who knows the ins and outs of your lives better than the three of you. You all know what your daily and nightly routine is etc. without having to involve an Imam in your personal business that way. A schedule is whatever you all come up with. I’m sure the Imam has better things to do than to act as someone’s personal secretary. Oh, well, to each his own. Do what you all think you need to do. Insha Allah, you’ll come up with a schedule that will work for the three of you and the kids.

  • Karima

    August 19, 2017

    I am just tolorating This at the moment because can’t make up my mind. I say nothing to husband . It would be of no use.

  • Karima

    August 19, 2017

    Salam
    Ana husbands other after 10 moths of silence pressed like on one of my kids photos on istagram. She made that from a second profile,( which she just created with no followers n all she just did it for me lol). now I blocked her from that one too. Just recently I made an istagram profile , had it public but because of her changed it to private.

    I didn’t say anything to husband …
    Since we came back from holidays beginning of August husband hasn’t been away on any friday night.

    Why she can’t just let me in peace when last time she was harassing me I told her to please leave me alone go ahead n marry husband they have my blessings n let us arrange the schedule. ( told this to hubby too). Why she can’t just sort it out with him?

  • Faith

    August 19, 2017

    Salam every one
    AlhamdulliLah, things are going well on my side. I seem to be coming to terms with what Allah has decreed for me. My hubby and I are doing well, I can see that he is trying more to understand my feelings after our quarrels . We are all trying to find a schedule for nights, though he spends two nights a week at her place which was their agreement. She probably doesn’t want me to feel my hubby’s absence too much, lols. But I feel that’s not sunnah, so he has agreed to meet a knowledgeable imam for proper guidance.

    I met with my cowife at the mosque after jumma’at, she played with my kids, they were all happy to see her. I realized that this is not easy for her too. She seems like a nice person.

    Anytime it’s her days and those thoughts start creeping in, I tell me myself it’s Allah’s will and His will is best for me. I got some vitaminvtablets and I am making more efforts to eat wall. And I am trying not to let my business and kids take all of me. It is really difficult letting go of grudges, but it is the best thing to do. May Allah make the path of Jannah easy for us. Love you all

  • Rosa

    August 19, 2017

    Mrcollies. Nice hearing of your families progress. Kindly take a look at the pattern you continue to create. You are stamped all over it. It was you who tortured your wives by having them live under one roof where they probably went crazy knowing when you were being intimate with the other. The moment you considered their feelings and finally separated them, things improved. Now it’s back to YOU wanting something else, wanting them to be besties. They didn’t choose each other. This isn’t a threesome type relationship. It’s you married to two women. We told you time n again stop forcing a friendship on them. Like ana said be grateful they are still with you. despite your selfishness and inconsideration at times. You need to learn to start treating your wives as two separate women not conjoined twins. Focus on them as individuals, women with feelings and different likes and dislikes. If a friendship happens down the road then hallelujah. Let things unfold naturally

  • anabellah

    August 19, 2017

    Marah S,

    I hear you. It’s just that when one knows the truth and hear others say, for instance, this one or that one made bad choices, it sounds so ridiculous to me. Oh, my son is a good boy, he just made some bad choices and got caught up out there lol No one chooses to be a drug addict, a prostitute, a thief, a liar, a woman beater, womanizer, a drop out (high school), a bum, a sex offender or anything else because they wanna be and chooses to be. It’s ludicrous. Like the person really didn’t know that the other was the better way to go. It’s laughable and most of all, it’s so cliche.

    Non-Muslims believe that we have choices. If we believe the way they do then we are equally unbelievers. Allah clearly says the believer and the non-believer are not a like.

    I’m not trying to preach to you because, you’ve got it (right). I’m just writing my thoughts… πŸ™‚

  • Marah S

    August 18, 2017

    Ana,

    I know it can be such a big debate. Do we have complete free will, partial free will, or no free will?

    All I know is there are so many verses in the Quran where Allah says that we can not will unless he wills and he says that he decrees and is in control of all things. That’s good enough for me. I believe what Allah says alhamdulillah. Thanks for the awesome reminder!

  • Marah S

    August 18, 2017

    Mr.collies,

    I second everything Ana said, your wives don’t need to be friends, you should be grateful that things are going much better than before now that they are separated. What’s most important is that they respect each other and they each come into accepting their new lifestyles in a healthy way. They are two families not one, two separate women that simply share a husband but do not need to share anything else including friendship. I don’t see anyway that you could force them into being friends without breaking one or both of them. It’s just not worth it, you have to come back to reality, life can’t be a fairytale and we can’t have everything that we want.

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello all,

    We talk here on the blog from time to time about whether Allah does things or we do them. As I’ve stated previously Allah only has Power. Throughout the Holy Quran, He lets us know this. It takes time to digest it – to understand it. If Allah wants one to get it, the person eventually does.

    Anyhow, this morning I read one of the ayat (verses) that let’s us know that Allah controls all things. It’s just one ayah (verse) of many.

    It’s from the surah “Spoils of War”:

    Contemplate the ayah and reflect.

    “In fact, it was not you who killed them, but it was Allah Who killed them; it was not you who threw the handful of sand, but it was Allah Who threw it so that He might pass the believers successfully through this excellent trial; surely Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.”
    Quran: Surah 8, ayah 17

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2017

    Just because the wives are not friends today, doesn’t mean that they won’t ever be friends. All depends on Allah and what He decided or decreed.

    “It may be that Allah will grant love (and friendship) between you and those whom ye (now) hold as enemies: for Allah has power (over all things); and Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful.”
    Quran: Surah 60, ayah 7

  • anabellah

    August 18, 2017

    Hey there, MrCollies,

    It’s nice of you to check back in with us all. It’s been a while since you’ve been here. I totally understand how you’ve been super busy, conducting business and managing your families. It’s good to hear from you, my brother whenever you can get here.

    MrCollies, you said the only problem you have right now is with your two wives in that they don’t put in any effort to get along with each other. You said you need them to bond and to be a family. How about what they want? They don’t want to be a family with each other. I get it that it’s what you want, other than it, no where does it say that they must get along and be friends with each other. The only thing that they need to do is not fight with each other and not cause each other any problems intentionally.

    Apparently they are struggling with sharing you in a polygamous marriage. For them to force themselves on each other just because it’s what you want is asking a whole lot. Apparently, it’s asking way too much. It’s asking them to suffer even more than what they are suffering now to accommodate you and what you want, which is two wives. I suppose your first wife is having difficulties because she felt a need to get away from you and your other wife and go home to her family for a while. She may not have said it to you, but I surmise that she needed to get away for her sanity, for her mental health and well-being.

    What you desire and have conceived in your mind about you all living as one big happy family is a fantasy. I don’t think you’re dealing with reality. Polygamy is not easy for a woman/wife to accept. No woman wants to share a man unless they are Wiccan’s or people who are willingly and voluntarily looking to live an alternative lifestyle. Your two wives weren’t looking for that. I doubt either of your wives want to be in a polygamous marriage. They simply sacrifice for you, unless they are Muslim and really understand and want to live Islam, in which case they’re doing it to seek the good pleasure of Allah and not oppose Him.

    You should thank Allah All Mighty that one or both of your wives haven’t left you yet and are still tolerating the situation. You wanted a polygamous life; they didn’t. Who are you to force something on them that they don’t want. IT’S WRONG. If and when they want to befriend one another it should be when they intend for it to happen, not you. God decides who are friends and aren’t. He said that HE can make those who are enemies today become friends tomorrow. Those are not His words verbatim but are close enough.

    I suggest that you back up off both of them and leave them alone about each other. Live your life with your wives individually as separate marriages. You don’t own them. They aren’t your belongings or possessions. You don’t get to say when and how about them and their relationship or lack of relationship with each other. Give them a break. Think about them and their psyche, health and physical well-being. Think about what they are going through. Stop thinking about only YOU. It’s wonderful that you are there for them financially – all praise is due to God.

    You said you need to start working on them getting along. NO! You need to let them alone about that. You said they don’t want to hear each other’s name. Okay, there is nothing wrong with that either.

    Just leave them be and have a marriage separately with each of them unless God decides differently in His time.

    Thank you much for the nice words of encouragement for us all. We’re here if you’d like to talk with us more. It’s nice chatting with you. God willing, all will be okay.

  • MrCollies

    August 18, 2017

    Hello to all the ladies, hope your doing well, I miss u guys so much sometime, I get caught up with reading ur stories and great advices your give, to everyone that is out there I’m MrCollies from south africa, I miss u guys so much, from my side things are better, after separating my wives to different places, I’m now pushing hard to the business i re-opened as things fell apart when they were fighting, I stay full time with my second wife, my first wife I took her to her family I didn’t want her to be alone, she is doing well, I see the person I met 9 years ago, she just want to go back home they doing well with my son, I love them so much, I rented my house to an agent, and went to rent somewhere else with my second wife, she is happy too, things are much much better now, I just need to work hard to buy my second house for my second wife, I started two construction and electrical companies for both of them I don’t want my family struggle with financially, yes its not easy but I know the time will come, only problem I have ryt now they not putting any effort to try and get along, I need them to bond and feel to be a family, I don’t know how I’m sort that out any advice will assist, I don’t want to rush but, before end of the year we going back home all but we staying in separate houses, and its in one estate different different complexes, once in a while they might bumb in each other, but, I need to start working on them getting along, at this moment they dont want to hear the other woman’s name, if I mension my first wife name the second name a war starts, same to to my first wife, I haven’t done that in a while since january/february, I just need a way if someone can assist,
    I get caught up with work and not able to log in and read comment, please you can also mail me on (Sorry, no emails allowed) I would really appreciate it

    I miss all of u guys, and yes yes I still love u as well, you must keep well and to all those out there who are not feeling well, sad
    Always remember to be happy its your choice, try and wake up every morning and decide that today I’m going to be happy no matter what the circumstances is nothing will bring you down, do everything that makes you happy, if its walking, jumping, praying, singing, loving, cooking, be around family and friends, do it dont waste time do it today stop crying, look outside, its such a beautiful day, lets be greatful for each moment given to us

    Love all of you

  • Serena

    August 16, 2017

    Rosa

    *I am sure you speak to her kindly. Just don’t hold any grudges. I hope you find your peace with that whole issue.

    (sorry didn’t finish last post and accidentally hit submit)

  • Serena

    August 16, 2017

    Salam

    Rosa

    InshaAllah you will heal with time. What your mother did was wrong. She may have been brought up like that and thought it normal. Maybe she had some underlying issues/mental health problem so took it out on you. Please don’t think I am making excuses for your mums behaviour towards you. It’s good alhumdulillah you have turned to Allah to help you overcome that traumatic experience.

    Alhumdulillah you shared your experience because many mothers (and fathers) may read your post. There are parents who abuse their children and hopefully the message you sent may just change how someone treats their child/children for the the better. Not only parents but any adult who has responsibility towards a child needs to know this.

    Just have sabr with her when she offers advice that you don’t need. Listen to her and I am sure you speak tp her

  • Karima

    August 16, 2017

    Salam Tasliyman

    We don’t fight, but rarely ( but it’s because I swollow things that bother me- n he does too). I will look into what u said though cause each month before I get my period the not so nice side of me comes out and it’s very difficult at times to control it lol

    Thanx my sister

  • Tasliyman

    August 16, 2017

    Karima,
    I really think you should look into having your PMS treated.

    My husband and I used to have fights quite often, especially when it got close to “that time of the month”. It took me forever to notice the pattern though. I eventually went to the pharmacy and got tablets which was basically a combination of vitamins and minerals.

    The change was amazing. I couldnt believe that I suffered from out of control emotions for so long when it could actually be treated so easily.

    My husband had no understanding of PMS and was sceptical when I started taking the tablets. But he loved the change so much I recently discovered that he now buys the same tablets for his other wifehttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif.

    So I do empathise with you but I believe that there’s a way out if you just start taking steps to feeling better. Do it for you. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    Sis Rosa

    I’m sooo sorry for what u went through. Have no words for thAt:(!!!! U are such a strong person Mashallah!

    My relationship with my Mom is good but only on the surface. She never beated me or said bad things she just wasn’t make me feel secured and loved. My dad was cheating on her for many years n he was/is still abusing her verbally:(

  • Rosa

    August 15, 2017

    Karimah
    I think your issues have more to do with your mom than your husband and you may not even realise it.

  • Rosa

    August 15, 2017

    Karimah I felt your pain when you mentioned your mom. My mother and I do not have a good relationship at all due to her neglect of me as a child and physical abuse. I remember telling myself as a child I can’t wait to grow up to get married and move across country. But Allah had other plans I ended up moving out of the country completely which is much better in a way. She still tries to control my marriage still offering advice where it’s not needed. We don’t realise we might get older start families of our own but somewhere deep down we are still those little girls and victims of not so good mothers. We have to heal through remembrance of Allah. Beg Him to soften our hearts to forgive all the hurt and pain we targeted by, by those whom Allah entrusted us to. Because in many ways we carry all that pain and baggage into our adulthood if we don’t heal. Believe me I was angry for years and took it out on the world. I was a ticking time bomb then I had to be honest with myself and confront the not so comfortable issues at hand. I feared my mom for yearssss even into my marriage may Allah forgive me because we shouldn’t fear anyone but Him I just always thought she was coming around the corner to beat me to a pole if I didn’t do something a certain way it’s a psychological thing because I know in reality she can’t beat me now as an adult. Abuse cuts DEEP. Only a victim of it will understand. I think it will take everyday of my life to fully HEAL

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Sis Karima,

    You have to stop saying and thinking negative things about yourself. It doesn’t help. It only hurts you. It is Satan who whispers terrible things about you and want you to believe those things. You must counter it with something positive. With good thoughts. You’re trying. You want to change for the better. It’s all good. When negatives thoughts come to mind seek refuge in Allah. He tells us to do that. It won’t benefit you to wallow in those negative thoughts. It brings no good to do so.

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    Sis ROsa i keep reading n reading ur answer. I will save it and reflect on it
    Though i have the good intentions about many things i keep failing . I am weak. This saddens me. I am blaming myself criticizing myself . But this gives me the false idea I have power over deciding n choosing when in fact I don’t have. I am confused in general about deciding . I am an artist very emotional by nature. ” which of the favors of ur Lord u can deny” is an amazing ayat. Always feels my eyes with tears. I know I need to let go completely. Alahmdulellah I’m doing better than before but still progressing very slowly and sometimes I’m on the roller coaster !!!

    I don’t mind “!harsh ” comments as I know u mean well and this helped me in the past to get my act together. I carry a lot of baggage from my Christian upbringing and depressive mom. Not easy at all. I left my country not to have my family around to influence me negatively n still I feel my mom s presence many times around me:(

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    Oh now i realised u wrote online. Will check Thanx

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    My Dear Sis Ana there is no
    Muslim psychologist in the country we live. In Though European and modern lol

    Man Thanx my sister i need to turn to Allah

  • Rosa

    August 15, 2017

    Alhamdullilaah sisters. I’m glad my post was helpful. Allah be Thanked. It really amazes me of what an Omnipotent and Generous Lord Allah is. There’s trillions of people who don’t even believe in His Oneness yet Allah still maintains and sustains them. Feeds them. Give them means to enjoy this world, blesses them with children and all types of worldly means and they transgress day after day
    Even the trillions of believers we just don’t thank Allah enough and He too sustains and maintains us but we always want more. Rarely satisfied. Get caught up in so much.

    May Allah guide the Ummah of Muhammad PBUH on the straight path and strengthen us to read and follow Quran in letter and spirit during adversity and bliss not only when we’re in a bunch and have no where to turn

    Ameen

    Allah bless all of you sisters. May we continue to remind one another of Allah

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Sister Karima,

    I just put: muslim psychiatrist online counseling in the google search bar and a list came up. You may want to do the same and see if there is anything there that may be useful to you, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Rosa,

    Your post to Karima was for all of us…

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Sister Rosa,

    What a beautiful post! You wrote it from your heart. I love it! It touched my heart. Thank you, Sis! Well, said. Alhumdulliah that He had you write it.

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    ROsa jazak Allah Kheir for ur post i felt u care. GOd bless u

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    Salam Ana

    Ur support has helped a lot over time! My husband is not bad. I am not bad. We just dont match, dont communicate well.
    Thats why i am lonely sometimes ( especially before my period will
    Come n my hormones are driving me crazy)!
    He is the best dad n thats Very imprtant for me. Every time i said to him i think u dont like me, i think u dont love me he said its not true. I dont “feel ” he likes me nor loves me. ( i know its my issue . Could be that i have the problem but there is no muslim psyhologist around to go to therapy. I know i need to work on my issues sign)

    AnWays as i said i just wanted it to let it out

  • Rosa

    August 15, 2017

    Karima
    I was going to say the same thing but ana beat me to it. You opened that door for the doctor to dissect your marriage. If I was him I would have followed up unquestionably after all you went through in his delivery room. Not in front of anyone else but I would have been very concerned.
    Your story saddens me sis because I really think your marriage can work and you can be so happy with what you have. You just can’t seem to let go and pull yourself out of the slumps. Your carrying way too much baggage. It seems you haven’t come to terms with the fact no one but Allah can give comfort or discomfort, benefit or no benefit, sadness and happiness, pain and peace. It’s all a test from Allah. You have to stop blaming everyone else. Your husband is on a tight leash and can only go as far as Allah allows. People come into our lives as a blessing or a lesson and there’s something to gain either way. Your husband seems very Kind and caring, whatever double life he’s living Allah knows best and will deal with him accordingly. It’s not up to you to figure it out. You have to have complete trust in Allah and breathe. We told you time and time again put the best construction and kindly assume he is married to another woman so what if he hasn’t confirmed it with you. Why do you need confirmation. Are you going to go meet her for a cup of coffee. I highly doubt it. Allah is the revealer and concealer not your husband. If he hasn’t told you then that’s because Allah is not allowing him to. If they are in fact married it’s not the end of the world sis. Most of us here are in polygamous marriages and life goes on. We have to count our blessings. Alhamdullilaah I awoke this morning Allah has given me another chance to do good deeds to please Him and InshaAllah grow nearer to Him, I have a roof over my head, food on the table, my children are happy and healthy, I have air in my lungs. Which of the favours of your Lord can ye deny. What more can I ask for. Allah can intercept everything we have in the blink of an eye if He wanted but He continues to coddle us forgive us despite our constant complaining and gives us more despite us not being grateful, pays attention to us despite our negligence.

    You have to give yourself an intercession and by that I mean visit a local orphanage and meet children who do not have what your children have in life and may never have it but they are so happy for the little things. A box of crayons even can make their year. Visit a homeless shelter full of people living on the street, no family, nothing to their name,no education , no goals, no clue about their purpose in life, no faith etc

    Perhaps that will make things clear for you. InshaAllah

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I understand you wanting to let it out. Sometimes we’re not looking for any advice, but just want to get it off our chest, so to speak. Just want to write it out and have someone listen. I totally get it, Karima. It’s no problem.

    Keep making duah to Allah and turn to Him. Don’t despair. Don’t give up. Stay strong and hang in there.

  • Karima

    August 15, 2017

    Salam Ana

    Yes i should have said alhamdulellah all is fine . I didnt like it cause he asked in front of someone else:(

    Husband does not want a divorce.

    just wanted to let Γ­t out.thanx

  • anabellah

    August 15, 2017

    Sister Karima,

    Was it your husband who said he would grant you a divorce, if you want one? I can’t keep track of all details of all who write here. If he is willing to release you, you may want to go that route. There is no need to continue in a marriage that you are clearly miserable in and you’re being negatively affected by it physically, emotionally and psychologically. You have family too who could help you, if you leave.

  • anabellah

    August 14, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry, but I had to snicker when you said, ” What right he has to Ask me This personal Question how is my marriage n all and make me feel bad n lie?”

    I think you gave the doctor the “right” when you discussed with him (opened the door) that your husband had married/or was having an affair with the other woman. The doctor took it upon himself to take your husband out of the delivery room to talk to him about how his other relationship was affecting your ability to have the baby. Your husband then got his act together, went back in there and helped you complete the delivery.

    I would imagine that any doctor who a patient had confided in would follow up with his or her patient, if he felt comfortable talking to her about it, since the patient initiated the conversation. I don’t think that’s unusual. Now, about him speaking to you about it in the presence of his assistant, that is a different story. I could see how you would feel and think it inappropriate to the point that you felt embarrassed. Talking to him about it, I could see, but not see him speaking about it in the presence of anyone else.

    You said your doctor looked shocked when you said that sex with your husband has never been better. Well, when he asked you about your marriage, did he mean for you to be so explicit? I think I would have been shocked, as well, had I been your doctor and asked a basic question and got the answer that you gave.

    Perhaps he was expecting you to reply something like, “Oh, everything is okay; Thanks for asking;” or “Things are good” Something of that nature seems appropriate. What you said probably floored him, especially as he is a male. LOL

    Karima, I don’t think the doctor intended to make you lie or make you feel bad. How could he MAKE YOU lie? Now, had he said you tell this story or else – that’s an example of someone making another lie.

    If you feel uncomfortable going back to him and want to find another doctor, then do what you think is best for you. There is no need to go back there, if you don’t think you should. If you go back and he asks something like that again, since he’s a Muslim, simply say “All is going as Allah planned” or “things are going according to Allah’s plan” and leave at that. You don’t need to go into detail or elaborate. You don’t have to answer someone just because the person asked you about something, unless you’re in courtroom testifying under oath or involved in legal proceedings or something like that, a cop stops you and ask you something. You get the picture.

    Karima, sit down and ask yourself what exactly do you want. What do you think would bring you contentment. Is it that your husband not see the other woman anymore and it’s just you and him? What is it. Everyday is different for everyone. You need to know for yourself what you need to get to a good place. You can’t expect anyone else to bring happiness into your life. Only Allah can do that…

  • Karima

    August 14, 2017

    Salam

    Today i went to the OB for the yearly Medical examination. When i was pregnant to my second Child i confided in him about husband and his other. My pregnancy was difficult my Labour even worse cause we had an argunent i dont remember now about what but i went to labour feeling Very bad sad abandoned and lost. Husband was upset With me too I rememberig us not talking to each other. Baby wasnt coming i had a lot of pain doctor felt im getting tired. I remember him taking my husband out and telling him ur wife i really suffering cause she thinks u are cheating on her. (. Doctor told me that afterwards) when they both came back in husband was trying to be supportive and was next to me. So today the same doctor told me u look so nice and relaxed how did u u do it?how did u fix ur marriage.???? He also asked me This Last year when i Last saw him( he asked me in front of his assistant both times and though i felt bad n embarassed Last year i told him everything is fine and sex has never been better.
    Sex is better indeed but is only sex – sometimes i feel Absolutely nothing when it comes to feelings. ) anyways today i also felt bΓ‘r but said the same thing about sex – how great it is- n then i said since i dont love him anymore i dont suffer that much anymore- . Doctor n his assistant looked bewildered. I told him i have 2 kids and he is treating me well. His character hasnt changed over the 2O almost years that we are together. I prefer This Than poverty or sickness. -alhamdulellah i said. He is persian muslim but i guess not practicing. He kept looking at me shocked lol. Serioulsy i think i wont go to him any more. What right he has to Ask me This personal
    Question how is my marriage n all and make me feel bad n lie? Its
    Not good but its not bad either. Its lonely
    Thats for Sure:(

  • Mari2

    August 14, 2017

    @Ana,
    I totally agree that ALLAH is in charge…however I too understand his frustration. What is the point of walking late into a staff meeting each week, during the wrap up? Just to say you were there? Missed the entire meeting. Showed up at the end with absolutely no idea what the meeting was about. And this happens every week without fail?

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2017

    Here’s an ayah for us to contemplate. The ayat (verses) in Quran are for us to contemplate and apply to our lives. It’s from the surah “Spoils of War”

    “[Remember] when you were on the near side of the valley, and they were on the farther side, and the caravan was lower [in position] than you. If you had made an appointment [to meet], you would have missed the appointment. But [it was] so that Allah might accomplish a matter already destined – that those who perished [through disbelief] would perish upon evidence and those who lived [in faith] would live upon evidence; and indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing.”
    Surah 8, ayah 42

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry, but I could envision myself answering the Imam’s question, “β€œcan one of you late comers offer me your excuse?”. Yeah, my reason, not excuse is: ALHUMDULLIAH! It was what Allah willed. That “Imam” should know that. Now, I could see him telling them to make their INTENT to get there on time. It’s alhumdulliah that they showed up at all, let alone late. The position that the Imam took is a prime example of a Muslim not believing that Allah is in charge and controls all things. No one but Allah has power. If people made an agreement to meet someplace at a certain time, it won’t happen unless Allah has willed it. I question the competence of the Imam.

  • Mari2

    August 12, 2017

    Salam sisters,
    Some levity from this past Friday khutba. Imam gave a lecture about showing up for Jummah ON TIME. I for one totally agree. Jummah begins at 1. Why do some decide to arrive at 140? With 470 people in tow? Or join the line after 2nd rakat? The thing is…while Imam was lecturing about punctuality and asked “can one of you late comers offer me your excuse? I am listening. ” And then, at that moment, in through the doors arrived the Imams wife. Late again.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2017

    Rosa,

    It’s not the people like OldGuy who come here who bother me as much as do the ones who come here like wolves in sheep clothing trying to undo and counter our efforts. It is what irks me. I can deal with people like OldGuy, but not with the other.

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    Your last post came right on time with what has happened in Charlottesville, VA today. I wonder where Old Guy is now. That pathetic @$$ hole, illiterate Trump doesn’t have the ability or intellect to address our nation properly. He’s the most clueless president in the history of America SMH

  • Rosa

    August 12, 2017

    OldGuy/woman whatever. Instead of going after wives who married in the order of 2,3,4 and have the nuts to say why would they ruin a happy wife and kids. It takes two to seal the deal. The question is why did the HUSBAND that’s already married go out and marry another woman. Flip the script.

    Ana thank you for setting the record straight. I really cannot stand when people utter the words “my country” so ridiculous. We don’t own anything. Everything we have is a loan given to us by Allah. When we return to Him we cannot take anything with us

  • anabellah

    August 12, 2017

    I want to reiterate that I will not approve any comment/post that I perceive is meant to undermine or discredit what we stand for on this blog and promulgate. I will use my discretion, Insha Allah.

  • Rosa

    August 12, 2017

    Flower
    Reading your post seemed like reading a really good book πŸ™‚

    Mari2
    Loved your post. So well put. So true

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    I thank Allah much for all you wonderful, bright and beautiful ladies for voicing your views and sharing your wealth of knowledge with us all and those silent readers in cyberspace. You all rock…https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Rosa

    August 11, 2017

    OldGuy well woman because that’s how you’re coming off. You think every girl doesn’t grow up with that fairytale dreamof her and her soulmate basking in the sun and living happily ever after. No one imagines another wife in the picture. The thing in as Muslims we believe in decree of Allah, we believe our spouses are preordained. There are children who grew up with monogamous practicing parents, rich, careers and still end up on drugs so how can you single out polygamy how do you explain that. You need to go to Utah and spaz off on all the mormons who have way more than four wives and nearly 80 kids or more. I read the father doesn’t even know all his children’s names in the Mormon society that’s how many he has. Each wife has 16 kids. Watch sister wives, a show founded in the USA. So you’re saying they are broadcasting illegal activity on lifetime, HBO etc. illegal really I don’t hear of them being arrested. An additional wife goes through just as much transformation and life changes as an already existing wife. You come off as bitter and arrogant.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    or grab her by the https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif need I say…

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    Mari2,

    Your post (about terrorism) is one that needs to be shared with the so called “Leader of the Free World” (Trump) https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif. School him. Add to the never-ending list of what he doesn’t know that someone in his position should. SMH. I look forward to a shockeroo each and everyday now. There is not a dull day in America since that winner got into office.

    Did he say, “I just wanted to start kissing her?” LOL

  • Mari2

    August 11, 2017

    Old Guy,
    Polygamy is not illegal in the US. Bigamy is. There is a difference between the two…look it up. If you need me to define the differences for you, just ask.

    Men and women alike engage/agree to polygamy for a vast variety of reasons. And not every polygamous woman is unemployed, broke or desperately seeking a man to support her. Many women here are educated, employed, financially independent, and some own their own businesses.

    As for terrorists…they come in all shapes and sizes, from a variety of socio economic backgrounds, foreign born or born and raised in their country of origin. I lost 2 good friends in the Oklahoma bombing. Remember that one? White guys. No polygamy to blame there. The only thing terrorists have in common is an ability to be brainwashed. That’s why to this day no Manson follower can receive parole. Oh wait…they were white too. And never forget..the vast majority of serial rapists/murderers belong to the white, male, not raised in polygamy, camp.

    And omg.. reading the news this week. Seems to be a plethora of old guys in the state of FLA having a hard time keeping their pee pees out of their female relatives. Were they raised in polygamy? Or is FLA to blame? Ciao

  • Flower

    August 11, 2017

    Old guy

    Polygamy definitely is not the worse thing ever.

    The situations in about to tell you are real life.

    A woman in a relationship with an alcoholic, she had one son. I cannot count the times she had to flee her home because he was beating the crap out of her, walking down the road at 3am with a 3 week old baby. Once Even told her son who at the time was 3 years old “don’t look, I’m going to kill mommy”. The nights she spend scared out of her mind, waiting for him to come home drunk where he would drag her out of bed by her hair and demand she cook him food, which he would them throw against the wall and she would clean it up. He smashed up there home so many times she didn’t bother to replace the broken items. The many hospital visits and police reports. Constantly living in fear.

    Another woman, fleeing a war torn country on her own with children. The journey she took was so long, it took months to reach a refugee camp. When she arrived at the que of hundreds of people for BREAD, they asked how many people need to be fed. She said 5, me and my 4 children. They only saw 3 children. Turns out she had to leave one child behind because the family had grown so weak and tired she had to leave the younger one because she could carry them anymore, if she hadn’t they all would never have made it. Imagine having to leave your child behind.

    Another woman, who tured up at our masjid with her children crying her eyes out. She said she need to get out the house because her husband has mental health issues and he’s spent the last 5 hours screaming at the top of his voice and smashing the house up. This is a regular occurance.

    These women would have begged for polygamy inplace of what they was dealing with. You’re only being asked to SHARE.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    OldGuy,

    If you want to talk about “druggies” why talk about the “black population” only? All I’m hearing about in the media now a day, day and night, is about the opioid epidemic. And you know what? The reason anyone cares right now is because white people are dying from overdoses in huge, astronomical numbers. It’s not about the Black urban areas. They’re talking about rural West Virginia where the whole state of people are addicted and other predominately white areas.

  • Flower

    August 11, 2017

    Random information: It has came to light that the majority of ‘terrorists’ that acted in the West was the first generation od children born from parents (fathers) who were trained and paid by western Governments to overthrow the leaders of the countries they lived. Like, Iraq, Libya etc. It certainly wasn’t because their dad had two or more wives. It may encourage a man to have one wife when he’s older but I don’t think it makes them want to murder innocent people.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    OldGuy,

    It appears you’re making things up. There is no evidence that any terrorist that has acted in the West came from polygamous families, nor that they are “druggies” or spreading STDs.

    About women marrying married men, it doesn’t need to be about desperation. Many marry for the same reason that the women married into monogamous marriages. They have the same needs and wants as any woman. It doesn’t matter whether she married in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. God said men may marry more than one woman, which means in order for it to happen, women will marry men as 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives, if not 1st. If you’re not Muslim, you’re not inclined to believe that God allows polygamy for men.

    Polygamy is not lawful in the US, meaning any marriage other than the one that is legally documented is not viewed as valid. There is no remedies for the non-legal ones in a court of law. There are no laws on the books pertaining directly to polygamy that would get someone arrested. Any one who is a polygamist and was arrested was charged with some other laws on the books such as child endangerment, sexual assault (having sex with an under aged person), domestic violence or something of the sort. The polygamist that get caught up in the underage offenses are Mormons that you hear about in the media.

    You said don’t import it to your country. What country do you own? This is America. The United States. There is freedom of religion in the United States. Polygamy is practiced as part of religion – Islam. The Mormons practice it as part of what they consider their religion. No one is forcing it on you. Again, this is not your country. It’s God’s country.

  • OldGuy

    August 11, 2017

    Apology if offended somebody. Good luck, ladies.

  • OldGuy

    August 11, 2017

    Rosa,
    Agree it often starts with old guys like myself. Agree marriage is not main purpose God/Allah made us. Then why women so desperate to get “married” to already married man on the cost of his wive & kids. Go do charity, adopt an orphan , dedicate ur life serving God. Why destroy other woman happiness?
    Agree many monogamous marriages not perfect. But even such severe problems as alcohol addiction nothing to compares with polygamy. No wonders many countries who largely practice polygamy like produce largerst number damaged mentally raised in polygamy kids who later becomes terrorists. I have no probles when u pra ctice it in ur countires. But i dont like its imported in my country. Polygamy is iilegal here. Already its big probllem on east coast with black population, polygamy, hiv, teenagers from those homes become street druggies etc. We have enogh our own problems.

  • Flower

    August 11, 2017

    Old guy

    I wasn’t going to reply to you but I wanted to try and help. Its clear to me you not a man but an angry woman. The feelings of sharing a husband often times makes a wife feel miserable but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Attacking the women here is not going to help you feel better, the women here are not the ones who have upset you, please don’t take it out on us. Iv a feeling you have read a lot of the blog and have a good understanding of what we try to do here and what we believe about polygamy. Maybe that’s way you wanted to vent as man because had you have don’t that as a woman, you know what the response would be.

    This blog is not proof that polygamy make all people involved scarred and miserable for the rest of their lives. those who are ungrateful, forget Allah and have way to many expectations are proof of why misery becomes a way a of life. The miserable ones are not all in polygamous marriages, polygamy does not equal misery.

    This blog, amongst other things is proof of a sisterhood, a proof of that there are women out here living, loving and striving in polygamy.

    A satisfied person is hard to come by, and if you do, I bet your bottom dollar that person is greatful for what they have, not matter how much or little. Satisfaction doesn’t come from what life gives us but how we feel about what life gives us.

    My sister, if you continue to love this dunya, it will continue to break your heart.

  • Rosa

    August 11, 2017

    OldGuy

    So then why are you barking at the women in polygamous marriages when it starts with an oldguy like yourself. In all reality monogamous marriages go through just as much as those in polygamous marriages. All marriages have ups and downs test and trials. I’m not sure which faith you follow but if you sit and ponder for a bit you have to ask yourself what is our purpose? It can’t be to just get married reproduce build a life with our spouses have a great career grow old together then die. Then dejavu. There’s a bigger purpose. A God (Allah) that’s more than any human mind can fully comprehend. We are here on this earth to be dutiful to Him. To be just to all. Don’t oppress. Take care of orphans. Show kindness to all creatures give charity don’t steal drink fornicate not commit adultery and so on and so forth. You do you and let us do us. Leave alone that which does not concern you.

  • anabellah

    August 11, 2017

    I put a video up on one of the Pakistani threads. I don’t have words for it….. other than it’s just disgusting and sad.

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2017

    OldGuy,

    You must have some positive interest in polygamy. You’re here!

  • OldGuy

    August 10, 2017

    Just stumped this website. I’ m man by the way. Very shocked. Which second wive? Are u ladies in mind? we r in 21 century. Go pick ur ass & earn for ur rent yourself without destroying decent women & children lives. Of course we men not innocent as well but at some stages of our lives become vulnerable ( ex. Mid life crisis) & used by such lazy w*res. This blog is live proof polygamy makes all parts including kids, misearable & scarred people for rest of the life. No one here sounds happy adequate woman. One married satisfied woman with few kids who are well cared by both parents& one unmarried better than two miserable suffering women & 12 kids who hardly see their fathers & grow with withdrawn deppressed moms.

  • anabellah

    August 10, 2017

    ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    A belated welcome back from your vacation https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif I’m sure you had a wonderful time.

  • anabellah

    August 9, 2017

    Mimi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You did good in looking into a khula. Keep making duah to Allah that He will guide you right. Remember that He provides and could give you the means to get out of the marriage. Be grateful to Allah that your husband isn’t with you as much as he had been. Stay strong! You’re going to be okay. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif We’re here for you, whenever you want to talk, Insha Allah

  • Mimi

    August 9, 2017

    Assalam wa’alaikum one and all
    I keep coming back to this site as it gives me some peace of course ALLAH swt is ya Salam and true peace only comes from him

    My situation hasn’t changed much apart from that he is not doing equal nights now and will spend the majority of his day and most night with his wife I know I’m supposed to be his wife too but have never felt like I am so always refer to co wife as his wife I’m not going to complain as really don’t want him here with me

    I started to look into khula and the shariah court here in the uk will open a case for me but the price is ridiculous and then you have to pay even more if the case drags on typical when a woman comes for help they make it so hard for her

    Things happen for a reason and this has brought me much much closer to ALLAH swt for that I am truly grateful
    Just wish he would do the decent thing and let me go but his still adamant that there will be no divorce and still tells me not to ask questions when I ask him why he always comes to my home so late on my night when he doesn’t do the same on his wife’s night I think that has stopped him staying with me

    He still as the attitude that when he comes in the day I must obey him and fulfill his needs and then he will goes it’s getting to a stage where I just want to get it over and done with so he will go

    I keep making dua to ALLAH swt that he will make this test easy for me and I keep telling myself that he doesn’t burden a soul with more than it can bare

    Wa’alaikum Salam

  • ummof4

    August 9, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Flower, your comment about you and the children enjoying movie night and sleeping in the same room brought back memories for me. When my husband and his other wife divorced after 14 years of marriage it was quite an adjustment for my children and me, especially my daughters. We were used to having our “girl time” and polygyny was the only life they had ever known. We would often all fall asleep on the bed after talking for hours when their father was at his other house. My youngest, who was 10 at the time, kept wondering when her father was going to leave. She kept asking if he was going to get another wife soon. My older daughter, who was a teenager, was resentful that I had to spend time with her father which lessened the time I spent with her. I thought the whole situation was quite amusing. And it took me a few months to adjust as well.

    Everyone have a blessed day obeying Allah to the best of our ability, as we all should.

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2017

    Flower,

    Dear Sis, I’m glad you got it off your chest. I think I know what you mean when someone begins a sentence and then stops midway without finishing it. The hubz and I were entertaining recently and one of the women did that a few times. It annoyed me. When someone does that, I think they realize they’ve said too much and then they shut it down.

    You know with your husband that he expects you to fill in the blanks after he’s started saying something. I’m familiar with that, as well. I don’t go there though. If he can’t say what he wants me to know, then I don’t need to know it. I’m not one to say, for instance, what were you going to say? Nope. It ain’t happening. It’s my philosophy about it. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. I think they may do that to make broaching the subject easier. For instance, they may think that they’ll start it and we’ll pull the rest out of them. LOL

    I get where you’re coming from about not bringing that stuff home, if he’s having problems elsewhere. Leave it there. I’m sure for some men polygamy is more than they bargained for. It may have seemed a wonderful idea and exciting initially, but then it becomes work for them. Some may long for the good ole days of monogamy where they’re settled and not flopping back and forth all the time. It is what it is, though.

    They got what Allah decreed for them.

  • Flower

    August 8, 2017

    Thanks ladies

    Just because its been going on so long. I would have thought he’d be over it by now, since he’s not the type of person to let things drag on. Ignoring it seems to be the way to go. I did ask him once. I had to wake him up because it was nearly time for him to leave (our times start at magrib) so, I woke him and said he has 1/2 hour left before he has to go. He was moody and I said gosh, whats wrong with you, he said “you already know”, I thought Well, actually I don’t and walked out the room. I dont entertain the conversations that go no where. In these situations he starts off saying something then realise he can’t say it and expects me to fill in the blanks. Sorry, I wont do that, I did that for like a year and 9 out 10 times I was wrong. I couldn’t care less what happends at co’s house, just don’t bring it home.

    Well that’s off my chest now, I do feel better about the whole thing. I’ll give him one request as ummof4 said but im keeping movie night for me and children. I only implemented it since the older children never wanted him to leave in the early days so I had to give them something to look forward to. Besides, we all sleep in our bed or in the main room on those nights, theres no room at the inn lol.

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2017

    Oh, one other thing, Flower,

    Just be glad that he is not running up out of there on the third day as though he can’t get out of there fast enough LOL. So, he’s sad to leave. It’s nothing unusual. People get sad sometimes when they leave family and friends. It’s a normal emotion when parting ways and one loves or cares about someone…Don’t make an opera out of it LOL

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2017

    If a person is brooding, seems depressed or doesn’t appear quite him or herself, something’s going on internally. The person may not be aware that others notice. They’re too into themselves and what is happening more than focused on outside forces.

    It’s somewhat like a person who commits suicide. The person is in an abyss and a very dark place inside. The person isn’t thinking about who sees it or thinking others should see it and care. The person wants to go off quietly and off him or herself. It’s why there’s information available to let others know what the signs are that someone is depressed and may be suicidal.

    Flower,

    I know your husband doesn’t fit the bill for the above, because he appears to be enjoying you and the children when you’re together. It’s the last day of departing that seems problematic, in your case scenario.

    I’d imagine husbands in polygamous marriages feel some kind of way when they leave a wife and children to go to another wife and children. It goes with the territory. You recognized it, as you stated he’s the one that went and married another, so he must deal with it…https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2017

    Flower,

    As ummof4 said, you should probably just ignore it. Who knows what’s bothering him https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif. It could be anything. Maybe he’s just not feeling good about himself for some reason or another. We’re not the fixer of other people and what’s going on with them in their heads. Men have a tendency to talk when and if they feel like talking about something that is bothering them. The best thing to do is not pressure him about it, just leave it alone. Eventually, he may speak on it.

    I’d think the only reason he’d think you are uncaring is if, for instance, he talks to you about something that is troubling him, and you show no interest. I doubt he’s brooding and thinking, you should see it and say something.

    I’m not saying it’s you, but some wives who are in polygamous marriages like to think that something’s going on with the other wife when their husband seems upset, depressed or sad or whatever. It very well could be and it may not be, as well. Maybe he doesn’t want to leave either of his wives and wish they could all be together and he wouldn’t have to leave one for the other. I’m just guessing here. Of course, I dunno.

    If your husband is brooding and acting cranky on the third day and it’s bothering you, let him know it. Tell him to snap out of it. Tell him to pull himself together because the way he is behaving is bringing you down. If it bothers you that much, ask him what the hell is wrong with him. Put it out there and get it over with once and for all. If he says, nothing’s wrong, leave him be. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif Ya know what I’m saying…

  • ummof4

    August 8, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum Flower,

    I believe it’s good that your husband does not want to miss out on quality family time with you and the children. I would make sure that at least one activity that he requests be done on the days that he is with you. Maybe movie night, maybe something else.
    As far as his sadness, I would ignore it as much as possible. If he is having a rough time at his other house, there’s nothing you can do about it. If he is missing the children, as you said, he made the decision to marry again, not you.
    My husband always worked a lot or spent a lot of time at the masjid, so the children and I were used to him not being home for many hours in a day before he married a second wife. When he married again, there wasn’t a big difference. Often he did not leave our house to go to his other house, he would leave from work, so I didn’t know his moods. I am also a woman who stayed busy at work. When I was extremely busy and had to work or study at night, I would send my children with my husband to his other house so I could concentrate completely. Of course, my co-wife at the time did not abuse my children. As a matter of fact, my husband dealt with them most of the time if they were at their house.

  • Flower

    August 8, 2017

    Hiya all.

    Some of you may remember that husband was away for a few months. He got back sometime in April if I recall corrctly. As per the schedule he was home with me on his return. Unusually he spent the majority of the day time with us, I know he had many things to sort out after being away for so long so it was surprising. So the day he is due to leave to co he is noticeably saddened, that’s normal too, I presume in both marriages but not to the extent he was on this day . Its understandable, We had a lot of catching up to do. I thought once he’d settled things would be back to normal. There not. He’s getting more and more depressed everytime he has to leave. At first I was understanding and would try to cheer him up, but now iv resulted to ignoring the fact he’s not happy. What does he want me to do? Its not like I can solve the issue. He obviously cant tell or discuss anything with me that relates to his other marriage, and even if he could I wouldn’t want to hear it or advise about it. Plus, I cant imagine him going to co’s with that attitude and looking so damm depressed. Who would stand for that? does he just turn it off when he gets there? Theres nothing about my demeanour to make him act like this. he’s fine on the 1st, 2nd,3rd night, its just the last few hours on the day he goes. He even asks me to wait for him to get back so he can join in ‘movie night’ with me and the children, its something weve done from day one when hes away. Actully hes asked for me to wait to do things till he gets back more and more often. I don’t even want to tell him anymore about the fun things we get up to cuz it effects his mood. The children are used to the situation so they don’t let anything slip, usually.

    I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to keep ignoring him, I don’t want to keep postponing activities till he returns. Really I want to tell him that this is what he wanted so he’s going to get over what he wants to do and do what needs to be done, and stop being so bloody moody cuz it really spoils the last day together. Then again I don’t know if that will make him worse or give the impression I don’t care about his wellbeing. I do, but not when it comes to issues outside our marriage.

    Has anyone else experienced this? I was thinking of ummof4 since you’ve been in polygamy for many years. Did your husband ever show moodyness because he’s missing out on family time or anything like that? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    August 8, 2017

    Mari2 Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    What you described, I could envision. I was laughing while reading it. It’s quite comical. I’m not surprised it happened… It seems about right.

  • Rosa

    August 7, 2017

    Mari2 πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. Thanks for the laugh

    Salaam all. Wishing you all a blessed and productive week ahead

  • Mari2

    August 7, 2017

    Salam to all here,

    Wonderful discussions to read, and many good points made. For some levity (or sadness), I must share my experience last Friday at Jummah at the mosque.

    Arrived early. Did my rakat. Read Quran. Azan. Khutba (very nice). Toward the end of Jummah a sister arrived quite late with bags of bread that she was giving. She placed the bread on the ledge between the men’s and women’s section. I had no interest in the bread. Fine. However so many sisters did, that they literally stepped on my person,my hands, walked in front of me as I prostrated, stepped on the back of my abaya, and one sister tossed me a loaf while I was in the middle of prayer. Seriously. I am praying. Then I am whacked with a loaf of French bread? Where does one go with that?

  • Faith

    August 4, 2017

    Thanks Anna, flower, novelknot, marah

    In sha Allah, I will pay more attention to my health and leave my worries to Allah. One good thing I got out of this situation is that I am more conscious of my purpose of existence which is to serve Allah and Allah is the best of planners. May Allah ease all our affairs.

  • Marah S

    August 4, 2017

    Faith,

    The way I see it, there’s no reason for you to be jumping for joy about your husbands remarriage. It’s expected that you won’t be the same as before because the situation isn’t the same anymore. I don’t blame you for being more distant from your husband, so long as your not doing it to punish him. If you’re not feeling as close to him as before than that’s more than understandable and personally I think it’s okay.

    Your purpose in life is not to bend over backwards to make your husband and his new wife feel happy and comfortable. What’s most important is that you come to a peaceful acceptance of polygamy and the fact that this is the life Allah has chosen for you. It doesn’t mean you have to jump through hoops and be overzealous and overjoyed about your husbands new wife. It’s not about him or her, it’s about Allah.

    I say focus on your relationship with Allah and whatever else is meant to happen will happen. Your husband needs to stop complaining and be a little more considerate. The world can’t revolve around him. He can’t make you behave however he wants whenever he wants just because it pleases him. You’re a human being with your own emotions. It’s not like you’re verbally and physically abusing him or denying him his rights.

    But if it is true that you’re getting thin, please do take care of yourself and your health, not for your husbands sake, but for yourself.

  • novelknot

    August 4, 2017

    Salam Annabellah!

    I think it’s funny that you think of people and they then come back to write lol πŸ˜‚ I understand your joke, don’t worry haha! I don’t get too caught up in words, otherwise you miss the point!

    You’re probably right about my interest. I think it stems from what I’ve seen around me. I think as a Muslim, it’s a something we all should be aware of! I hope you understand I’m not against or opposed to polygyny. I believe in every word of the Quran and Allah allows polygyny. To deny that would just be stupid as a Muslim πŸ˜‚
    I’ve just seen it practiced and wrongly justified by people in such a way that I’m afraid of what all tends to comes with it in society today.

    Like most other women, I don’t reject polygyny. I just think people tend to go about it the wrong way today. It’s rarely just the polygyny that’s the issue. It usually (not always) comes with cheating, lying, secrets, pain, betrayal, etc. and that doesn’t come from Allah’s approval of polygyny, it comes from people’s practice of it. I also think it should be one’s choice if they want to be in a polygynous marriage, that’s why all parties involved have a right to know. I don’t agree with secret marriages and lying to new or previous wives. Relationships that are built on deceit and lies are what ruins marriages, not polygyny itself. Also, Muslims who put women down or say they have a weak imam for not wanting to be in a polygynous marriage shouldn’t be so judgmental. And there’s nothing wrong with being monogamous either. Allah doesn’t say one or other is better or recommend. It’s funny cause most Muslims are such extremists, either supporting only one end or the other. Religion is supposed to be easy, not this complicated lol. One has the right to choose what kind of relationship they want to be in. Everyone has a right to assess their life and do what’s best for them as long as they follow taqwa.

    Oh and believe me, I don’t think there’s anything even close to Prince Charming! Men are just that, men. They’re people and have no place on the high pedestal of expectations and love. One can only trust themselves and Allah. Only he is worthy.

    Anyways, how’ve you been? I hope everything is well with you. I have say, it’s very impressive that you work yet diligently maintain this blog…kudos!

    Cheers 😊

  • novelknot

    August 4, 2017

    Hi Faith,

    I know this is a difficult time for you, but please look after yourself and your health. Your wellbeing should be your top priority.

    Your husband seems selfish expecting you to legally marry him when you don’t want to. You said earlier that he wants this legal marriage to make you feel better. Well, his words indicate otherwise. When you’re telling him that you in fact don’t want it, how then will being forced to legally marry make you feel better? Also, he’s saying that he’ll leave you if you don’t legally marry him…again how is this in your benefit? He’s obviously just thinking about what he wants, not you. Don’t feel pressured by this, take time and think about what’s right for you.

    It’s good that you have your business and children to occupy your time with. If you didn’t, this time could have been even more difficult for you! But, I also don’t think you should use this as a distraction from facing reality. You can’t ignore that your husband got married.

    As far as having changed and being distant, maybe explain to your husband that things have indeed changed. It’s unrealistic of him to expect things to be the same when they have in fact changed. You two went from being in a monogamous marriage to being in a polygynous one. That’s a huge change! What was he expecting…you’d celebrate his new marriage with him lol? He needs to be mature and let you deal with your feelings and thoughts instead of imposing his own on you. That may drive you further away from him. Tell him to be patient and understanding with you and to give you your space. It was his decision to be in a polygynous marriage, not yours. It may take you time to come to terms with it and even when to do, you cant go back to how you were. Going back in time isn’t possible. Every experience changes us, no matter how big or small. This is no different. You’ll never be the same again.

    Don’t be too hard on yourself, I don’t think you’re being difficult. You’re not acting out or being a bad wife. If these are your husbands only complaints with you, he should count his blessings lol πŸ˜‚ other wives give their husbands hell with these things haha. Communicate with your husband that you’re naturally just hurting and trying to cope within yourself. Your feelings are your natural reaction, not your choice. You can only control your actions.

    Understand that Allah is all knowing and he decrees all. You may not know or understand why this was decreed, so all you can do is turn to him to make this easier on you. That being said, we have choice or our actions and deeds (even though Allah already knows what we’ll do). So, knowing that everything is decreed by Allah already isn’t an excuse do act badly. Just because Allah knows what your choices/actions will be, doesn’t mean he caused it to happen (he simply allows them…that’s where free will come in). How you conduct your actions in a situation/circumstance is your choice.

    If you believe in him and let things that are not in your control go, you’ll feel much better. Situations that are out of your control may be a test from Allah, so it’s how you conduct yourself and your actions in these situations that define you.

    You sound like a good person. Just try to keep your chin up and don’t let life’s circumstances define you. May Allah ease things for you.

  • Flower

    August 4, 2017

    Faith

    Assalamu alaykum sis.

    I think your dealing with feelings of rejection. Its normal in the beginning stages. What tends to happen when a husband takes on another wife is we build a brick wall in his absence out of fear of getting our feelings hurt. In other words, he going to have to get past a barrier before he gets to our feelings. We be less open and inviting.

    If husband is gone for a few days when he returns he can begin to break down the wall, brick by brick, most of them do by confessions of love and assurance. Reminding us that him having another wife takes nothing away from the love, loyalty and desire to be with us. The wall comes down only for us to build it again when he’s away, and the cycle repeats for a while till we become comfortable with the changes.
    Its relitivly easy for him to do since he wasn’t gone for long so the brick wall wasn’t that high. If a husband is away for a longer amount of time, such as in your case a month, you had a lot of ‘building’ time, The wall was higher than it would have been if he were only gone for a couple of days. Its going to take time for him to dismantle it, and you have to let him. He doesn’t want to lose you and doesn’t want a relationship where there is a divide between you. He’s trying to secure you ‘legally’. Even if he has to ‘threaten’ separation, that could also be a test to see if your still committed to the marriage, men can be a bit funny like that.

    Those feelings only exist in your head, you have to recognise that. You have filled the time you would normal be with or think of him with children and business and you have convinced yourself that the wall is only there because you have a lot going on. Before we can fix a problem when have to know what it is. You may have to give him a little help in getting back into your safe zone, a marriage takes two people. If he wants to be romantic with you let him, don’t reject him and make an excuse that something else needs to be done. Blocking him out is the easy part, letting him back in will take some effort. ((Hugs))

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2017

    Faith,

    First of all, I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself. Your husband said you appear to him to be unhappy and thin etc. You said it’s because of you having a lot on your plate such as conducting your business, conducting his business, and taking care of the children etc. Why not admit the fact that he has taken on another wife and your life has altered has taken a toll on you as well. I’m sure it has. Admitting that to yourself, if to no one else is a good start to accepting change.

    You asked if it’s possible to live as if nothing has changed between you and your husband. Well, if you want to try to delude yourself and make believe, then you could try that. I doubt it’s a healthy thing to do for your psyche. There are women who pretend their husbands are on business trips when they are, in fact, away with their other wives. It’s not facing and dealing with reality. It’s deluding oneself and not working on the problems at hand. That’s a problem in itself.

    Now, if you want to know if you could have peace and contentment in your new life with your husband and have joy, I can say that you can, if it pleases Allah. It’s a matter of you accepting and BELIEVING that Allah is controlling all things, and you accept His decree. You must accept what Allah wills. You must have no resentment towards your husband for having carried out Allah’s decision, which was that he take another wife, even that he did it the way that he did, and you’re not blaming him etc. I take it that your husband’s other wife is a Muslim (sister-in-faith), so, you’ll want to deal with her accordingly. You need to accept that Allah decreed her to marry your husband and all else that is happening.

    In your previous post you said that you don’t like how their marriage came about. Well, it’s an indication that you’re blaming them and you need to work on that. The way you work on it is to turn to Allah, and work on believing as He tells us to believe and do what He tells us to do. Ask Him to let you accept His decisions and accept them with enthusiasm. All that you need to do is in the Quran. It’s where you begin. Once you get busy with that, there is a chance that you and your husband will be happy together again. Allah makes us happy or sad. He gives us laughter or tears etc. He is the Doer of what He wills. He says He disposes of the believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease…

  • Faith

    August 4, 2017

    Anna, his parents know he is polygamous,(his parents won’t support the legal marriage, where I come from legal marriage is not often practiced cos of inheritance issues) I have sorted it out with him. I told him I wasn’t going to get married to him legally cos we are two now and it won’t be fair on my cowife. He said he felt I would be happier if I had the documents he just wants my old self back. This whole situation is new to me and I am learning Everyday.
    My business just started 2 days ago , so I have had so much on my mind lately, staffing, finances and a lot of other things. Also, nursing a baby and taking care of my other kids and his business took a toll on me. So he felt it was because he was away with her. He said I wasn’t calling him, I didn’t call him as frequently as I do when he travels for a job assignment, I felt I should not bother them with my calls. He said I am now so distant and he is not feeling comfortable . He wants us to live as if nothing has changed. pls is this possible or am I being difficult

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2017

    Faith,

    It’s so weird that he asked you if you want him to end his marriage to his other (because you look so sad and thin). Yet, in another breath he tells you that you better not tell his parents about him and her or he’ll end your and his marriage, and if you don’t marry him in a court marriage, then he’ll leave you. Sounds like you’re the one he’s willing to get rid of more than his other.

    I think a man probably just tells the one wife that he’d get rid of the other if she wants him to, so that she’d feel better. He knows he has no intention of doing so. How would you know that he did it anyhow? He could stay married to her and sneak around with her. He could hide and lie.

    Men shouldn’t try to put that on his wife. If he wants to get rid of his other wife, then he needs to do it and leave you out of it.

    You’re right that you can’t erase what has happened and go back to how things were. What has past has past. It can be no more. There is only going forward. There is no going back https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2017

    Faith,

    I doubt it would have mattered if your husband hadn’t married the other woman behind your back and kept it from his parents, as well. You still would have the same feelings because you don’t accept polygamy.

    If you want to end the marriage, then go tell his parents that he is polygamous now. It’s the truth. Marriage is to be public, not hidden. It’s one way to get rid of him. Tell his parents that he’s threatening to throw you and their grandchildren out the house. What the you think? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    Do you think he will throw you and the kids out the house or just you, and he’ll take the kids?

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2017

    Faith,

    Thank you for clarifying. I understand now.

    It sounds to me that he wants a legal marriage to feel secure that you won’t leave him. The way it stands now, divorce is quick and easy, if you have an Islamic marriage, but not a legal one recognized by the court.

    If you’re not feeling him and want out of the marriage, it would make perfectly good sense that you’re not going to go lock yourself into something that is time consuming and costly to get out of (a legal marriage – “court marriage”).

    You stated he said, you two will get a “court marriage” or he will separate from you. He’s really not making much sense. If it’s so easy for him to separate from you or end the marriage, why would you go get a “court marriage” and dig yourself deeper into a hole with him? That’s ludicrous.

    He further said that if you tell his parents about it (I’m assuming you mean his marriage to the other woman), he’ll end your marriage. It’s shameful that he’s hiding his other marriage from his parents.

    Well, you have said that you’re going to tell him, no, so you then just have to wait and see what happens next.

  • Faith

    August 3, 2017

    Not at all, u see he traveled to my cowife’s country to meet her people and he spent a month. We spoke every day and I kept his business running here in our country. he once accused me of not caring how he was faring, but I felt since he was with her, she should be taking care of him so it was none of my business. When he came back 4 days ago he said I am withdrawn and I am not as caring as I used to be. I told him things are different now. A day after, he complained that I have gone so thin and I look so stressed which is true cos I have been so busy setting up my business which took off 2 days ago, and running his business in his absence, which I tried to tell him. He said he is not comfortable that I am unhappy and asked if I wanted him to dissolve their wedding. I told him it wouldn’t make a difference if he did that things have changed and our relationship is not like before, for the first time after his marriage we had a heated argument. So now he feels I am feeling insecure and the court marriage would keep my mind at rest as he put it.. where as the only thing need is for him to know is I am human

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2017

    Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t understand what the issue is. Does he want you and him to marry legally so he could obtain citizenship?

  • Faith

    August 3, 2017

    Salam sisters,
    My husband and I had an argument recently now he is insisting we go for a court marriage else we’ll get separated. He has even told my mom. He told me it’s between him, my parents and me, he even warned me that if his parents ever finds out about it, it’s the end of our relationship. My mom has been begging me to do it cos she doesn’t want me out of my home. I don’t want to go for a court marriage . I was devastated when I found out my hubby went behind me and got married and I question his and my cowife’s integrity. I can’t just imagine going behind my parents in laws and Co wife to do such a thing. Though I accepted to do it, but I intend to tell him no this night and face whatever comes out of it . I have four lovely children with him, and he seems to be dead serious about separation. Something just keeps telling me it’s not right.

  • Azam

    August 3, 2017

    Thank you ladies for your advice and guidance. May Allah give you many blessings. I know Allah knows all and sees all. I have been in a relationship for over 10 years before we married this past April. For me, I think the change in his behavior towards me after we got married has been more hurtful than finding out he married in Pakistan 4 years before. His yelling, cussing, insults…. I learned quickly through prayer, not to go in the same direction as my husband is going as a spouse. However, I will tell him ok you insult me and call me things other than my name and Allah does not like that kind of behavior so I will not engage in the conversation with you anymore. Once I point it to him he calms down. I am not saying I want to divorce him at this exact moment, after so much prayer I going to move closer to him and give our marriage 12 months and see if things improve or not. Inshallalha our marriage will, but I am no longer as trusting to my husband. I put all of my trust in Allah (pbuh)

  • Marah S

    August 3, 2017

    Mimi,

    I really feel for you. Im not surprised about the Imam either. I’ve come to realize as well as a lot of other women that they tend to be no help to women. They rarely side with women especially when it comes to marital issues. The most they’ll tell you is to be patient. But when the situation is flipped and a man goes to complain, they sing a different tune. Not all of them but a lot of them. What Ana said about a lot of Muslim men having oppressive mentalities is a scary reality. I dont understand how they get like that.

    You have a right to khula! if you don’t want to stay with him and you know he won’t divorce you then you have the option to seek khula, give back the Mahr and remove yourself from that situation. Any Imam who knows anything about divorce should not deny you khula especially after he accused you of not being chaste, which is a major sin and him forcing himself on you.

  • Jasmina

    August 3, 2017

    Thanks Tasliyman

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2017

    Mimi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I understand how you’d want to get it off your chest by writing here. I imagine I’d go crazy having to keep that stuff inside. It sounds like a wife’s worse nightmare.

    I didn’t think you’d get much help going to the Imam; although I thought you’d have nothing to lose by giving it a shot. Those men could be just as bad as the husband. Many Muslim men have oppressive mentalities. I don’t know how that Imam couldn’t see that your husband has some serious issues. What’s happening with you isn’t about normal issues that newlyweds need to adjust to or a matter of the spouses learning one another. SIGH. I certainly believe that your husband’s attempt to change lasted only a day.

    I’m sorry to hear that he forced himself on you. It had to be horrifying. Muslim men get it twisted. A wife isn’t a sex slave. Allah says that a man may APPROACH his wife for sex. It doesn’t mean that he has to get it or must get it or will get it. Allah determines when we have sex the same as He determines all things.

    Well, you did the best you could by reaching out for help at the moment. Don’t bother reaching out to the wife anymore. She may be happy to have him go to you, so she doesn’t have to be bothered with him. She knows what a demented person she is married to.

    Keep praying to Allah for help and guidance. Eventually, you may need to make an exit plan. Maybe you have family members or friend in another State or some place where you’ll be able to flee. Give him as little information as you can about who you know and where you could go. You may need to get a Restraining Order eventually against him. Be safe. I’m worried about you…

  • Mimi

    August 3, 2017

    Assalam wa’alaikum
    I posted on July 2017 post about my so called marriage things are still the same I did go and see the imam who told me that my marriage is still in the early days and that I should have sabr
    And too communicate with my husband
    Which I did after a long heated argument he did seem to understand how I felt but that only lasted one day
    He seems to think it’s ok to do what he wants when he wants and yes I know that he has rights and then when a husband calls his wife to be intimate she should go but after arguing and then he literally forces himself that I can’t handle
    I’m not a weak woman but I feel like I’m being drained by a man who just comes to me at night and then leaves in the morning
    I’m not suppose to ask any questions and just do what I’m told
    I asked for a divorce but he said never will he divorce me so now I’ve stopped communicating with him and hoping he gets the message that I don’t want to be a halal mistress
    His wife never replied back to me when I messaged her I think she also knowns why he wanted a second wife
    I’m sorry for going on as their seems to be no really purpose to my post I guess I just wanted to write it down and get it off my chest so to speak

  • Serena

    August 2, 2017

    Salam

    Azam

    Sadly your marriage situation has not improved and based on what you have said the elders whom you are seeking advice from are not giving you good advice.

    Ummof4 has explained about divorce that there are clear instructions in the quran how to go about it. She is right it does not say divorce is hated. Read the meaning of surah talaq (chapter 65).

    Did you find if his other wife knows about you?

    End of the day the choice is yours. You know the type of man your husband is. You need to decide if for the sake of your love you will live an oppressed life and hold on to your marriage.

    You are doing right by turning to Allah. Hope your situation improves.

  • ummof4

    August 2, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Azam, as Ana has stated, Allah has not said that He hates divorce. Prophet Muhammad did not say that he hated divorce. Why would Allah give us instructions in the Qur’an on how to do what He hates? Sometimes we have to use some common sense and realize that Muslims make up lies about Allah and about Prophet Muhammad. The lie about divorce being hateful to Allah or “shaking the throne of Allah” is to keep women in marriages that are miserable.
    Please ask Allah for guidance with a marriage in which your husband is not granting you your rights. However, you did agree in the beginning to take less than you had a right to. This could have made your husband feel that he could take away more and you just had to deal with it.

    Again, I caution: DON’T GIVE UP YOUR RIGHTS GIVEN TO YOU BY ALLAH TO MARRY A MAN! MOST WOMEN REGRET IT LATER! DON’T BE A SECRET WIFE! MARRIAGE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET! MOST MEN WHO ENTER A MARRIAGE WITHOUT FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING A SECOND WIFE WILL NOT CHANGE AND SUPPORT HER LATER!

    Yes, we will only get what Allah has ordained for us, but Allah has given us limited free will to make decisions. This is our test as humans.

    Everyone don’t forget to thank Allah today and tonight.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    You’re far ahead in the game. At least you’ll be able to begin a marriage knowing you won’t be getting prince charming or a knight in shining armor who you’ll ride off into the sunset with and live happily-ever-after. Insha Allah, you’ll be grounded in reality.

    You’ll know not to put your trust in anyone, but Allah – not even a husband. You’ll know that a husband will have his own unique personality and disposition and it’s not for you to try to change him or control him. I’m not saying don’t try to be a good influence on him and try to help him toward that which is good.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    NovelKnot, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I’m glad you’re still reading here sister and thank you for commenting. Insha Allah, we’ll hear more from you. I was just thinking of you the other day. It’s funny how a lot of times I may think of a writer who hasn’t been here in a while and then lo and behold, the person shows up. LOL I’m not attributing it to anything that I’ve done; please don’t get me wrong.

    The reason you probably have a strong interest in the subject of polygamy is because there is a likelihood that you may end up in a polygamous marriage being that you are Muslim. Your interest could be a blessing because even if you don’t end up in a polygamous marriage, you’re loaded with knowledge about polygamy and you know not to reject it on any principle alone. Actually, you could be on your way to accepting the entire Quran and on the straight path to Jannah https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Azam,

    Based on what you’ve stated about your husband in that he spends a lot of his days with you, it doesn’t suggest any abandonment. If you love him and want to stay with him, you could accept the conditions that exist. As long as he’s not abusing you as in beating the living daylight out of you and things of that nature, then you’re probably good.

    Who knows what Allah has in store for you and him for tomorrow or even in the next minute for that matter. Allah is a doer of what He wills. Whether you’ll get more rewards for staying, Allah knows best. It depends on what you’re staying for etc. If you’re sincerely staying to wait on Allah’s decision and submit to His will, then you probably stand to gain a lot of barakat (blessings). If you’re staying simply out of love for your husband and nothing else, well, Allah knows best what you’ll get – if there is any blessings in it or not, only He knows.

    Do all things seeking the good pleasure of Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Azam,

    I’m happy to hear that you have a Quran and have been reading it. Insha Allah, keep reading it and ask Allah to teach you and give you guidance. Especially read it during Fajr time, if you can, even if it’s just a few ayat (verses).

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Azam,

    I don’t know anything about Allah hating divorce. He says NOTHING of the sought about it in the Holy Quran, nor does He even hint at it. He says He provides for those who divorce. I’ve already stated in the previous post what the Quran is. In the Quran, there is a surah (chapter) entitled Al Talaq (divorce). Allah tells us how to divorce. He tells us all that we need to know about divorce.

    It’s men as in males who talk that rhetoric about divorce being hateful to Allah. It’s probably to frighten women into staying in marriages when they want out, so that men can continue to have control over them. Men have said much that is contrary to what Allah says in Quran when it comes to women. As I said, the men probably say it in an effort to keep women subservient to them. It’s very sad. It could very well amount to telling a lie on Allah.

    If you want a divorce, make your intention and seek help and guidance through prayer to Allah. I suggest you not repeat the saying that Allah hates divorce, as you don’t want to be accountable for putting something on Allah that he’s never said, as it could equate to telling a lie on Allah.

    If you love your husband and simply don’t want to divorce him, then there is nothing wrong in saying it. Don’t hide behind excuses, especially the one about Allah hating divorce.

  • Azam

    August 2, 2017

    I have read the Quran 3 times in last 8 years…the man who is guiding me got me my last one directly from our Imam.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Azam,

    When I first converted/reverted to Islam, I was very naive. I thought that all those who said that they were Muslim were sincerely trying to learn Islam by living the Quran. Crazy me https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif I soon became disillusion after learning that most people who say they are Muslim approach their religion the same way as those who say they are Christian or anything else. They just profess to be something but don’t live it. I now know that I shouldn’t look at them. I must learn Islam for myself and live it. Although it’s very difficult to do, I mustn’t care about what others are doing. I’ve gotten way better at it than I used to be.

    Azam, you’ve probably read a lot here on this blog about Pakistanis and their culture, how most culture/traditions above Islam. If you haven’t read them already, you should read the few Pakistani articles here on the blog.

    Furthermore, I’m glad you have someone you could learn Islam with. Although, I’m concerned that the person hasn’t advised you to read the Holy Quran. The Holy Quran is the WORD OF GOD. The Quran is the unadulterated, pure, untampered with, complete and replete book with knowledge. It contains all and leaves out nothing that we need. The Quran was written by a noble scribe and God sent it down to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) by a noble angel and it is for all people to live by.

    So, how is it that you haven’t mentioned reading it? Anyhow, it’s on you what you do in terms of it and what you read.

  • NovelKnot

    August 2, 2017

    Salaam Ladies,

    I hope you’re all doing well. Ever since I discovered this blog, I can’t stop reading! There’s no going back lol! I like to check up on the women here and follow their stories. I always pray to Allah that you reach contentment within yourselves and your lives.

    Anabellah, what a wonderful platform you’ve given to contless. Keep up the good work.

    I’ve written here before, but am typically a silent reader as I am not in a polygynous marriage (or any marriage for that matter πŸ˜‚). But, I’ve seen many polygynous marriages around me. This topic seems to strike a cord within me and I don’t know why but I find myself thinking about it quite often. Quite honestly, from what I’ve seen of marriages around me (monogamous and polygynous) I am very afraid and untrusting of men. But then I remind myself they Allah is the ultimate and I have faith in him and shouldn’t worry about these things.

    Azam, I’m sorry that your husband Is unfair in his treatment of you. Unfortunately, you can’t change him. Maybe take time to really focus on yourself and learn what you can and can’t live with. As for what you should do? If his behavior is something you can tolerate because your love for him means more to you, then you have your answer. And if you can’t get over it, then maybe look into other options for yourself. Either way life will continue to move forward. You just have to decide which way you think will be better for you. Pray to Allah and iA he’ll guide you to a sound decision.

  • Azam

    August 2, 2017

    My elders tell me what I already know, they will not speak with my husband because they think his mistreatment of me will only be worse. My elders told me yes, I have sufficient grounds for a divorce but Allah hates divorce and if I can “put up with the way everything is ” for now that my reward will be greater. My husband thinks that if we see/spend the whole day together including at work (He owns a gas station that I helped him buy since I did ALL the paperwork to buy it) that has to be good enough. I keep up with prayer and constantly read Hadith for our marriage. I want other women to understand one thing…. don’t be fooled, just because he says he is Muslim does not make him a religious man!!!!!!! That is something I am learning in my marriage. He does nothing to teach me about the faith, I seek my knowledge from someone else (another man!) My husband is well aware of it and doesn’t get mad about, says he is glad I have someone to teach me.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Like Ummof4 said, there are women who have sex with the men without being married; they fall in love with the men and then want to marry. It’s all backwards.

    The same goes for those who accept being “secret wives” initially; they’ll do any thing and accept anything just to be with the men and then, all of a sudden, they want to be known and recognized as a “wife” with honor. The man may not see her as deserving of such, not that he is any better.

    We need to do things the way Allah tells us to or else suffer the consequences.

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2017

    Azam,

    I don’t understand what you mean when you stated that you don’t want Allah to punish you for not hanging onto your marriage. Your husband is not living up to his end of the bargain. It sounds to me that he has left you hanging. He won’t tell his wife that he is married to you along with her. He won’t give you any nights. Furthermore, he basically has said that you’ve got to fend for yourself financially.

    The ball is in your park, so to speak. If you don’t like how he is treating you, you could seek a divorce. The other alternative is to accept the conditions that he has laid out for you, if you love him so much and don’t want to be without him.

    We all are supposed to be just in all our dealings. It includes spouses with each other. SPECIAL EMPHASIS is placed on dealing justly with orphans.

    Apparently your husband isn’t being just to you. Your “elders” whom you spoke of who said that your husband must be just, what do they suggest? Are they going to go talk to him about it or are they just telling you what you already know – that he should be just to you?

    If your husband will be punished for not being just to you, there is nothing you could do about it. You can’t make your husband do anything, nor can you prevent any punishment that Allah may have decreed for him. You’ve got to deal with you and what you could do. Your husband may have bigger problems than just not being just to you. There is a bigger picture. You’re just a small part of it. Life is about worshiping and serving Allah. Don’t concern yourself with your husband’s punishment.

    I suggest you get someone to speak with your husband about his treatment of you or seek a divorce from your husband or stay with him under the conditions that he has laid out for you. Make your intention and put your faith and trust in Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2017

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    It’s awesome! What good news to hear that all is going so well in your marriage and with the business. Alhumdulliah! I’m so happy for you. Thank you for sharing https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2017

    Azam,

    Welcome back! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    All,

    We all spoke with Azam at length back in June 2017. I’ve placed a link to her initial post, so that all could refresh their memories. Azam’s story with replies

  • Tasliyman

    August 1, 2017

    Aslm ladies.

    Wishing all a happy and prosperous August. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    I’ve been meaning to reply to Jasmina’s post on the July thread about her husband’s relationship with their child and going into business with a polygamous husband.

    I’m sorry to say but having a husband who is not an “involved” father or husband is not a “side effect” of being polygamous. It’s a personality trait.

    With regards to going into business with him: it also greatly depends on the personalities of the people involved. In your case, seeing that you already have issues with lack of quality time and the fact that the two wives dont get along, I wouldnt advise it though.

    My husband and I started our business together. It’s challenging and stressful and can add a lot of strain to a marriage. I think Flower mentioned this in an earlier post and it is true. There was a time when I wondered if we even had anything else other than the business going for us.

    As far as finances goes and what he spends on each household: this can cause a whole lot of drama. It used to really bug me until I was able to accept the fact that each person will receive what Allah has put out for them. I found peace in knowing that whatever was meant for me will come to me and whatever was meant for my husband’s other wife will go to her.

    My co-wife dont work (as in being employed). I use to be really petty and childish and think things like why must she get financial benefits from all of my hard work. Eventually I realised that there’s only financial benefits to go around because of Allah’s blessings. I am able to do what I do because Allah allows me to and not because I am all that. Realising that my ability could be taken away quite easily made me appreciate it and make it work as best as I can.

    Since the change in my thinking and attitude there’s actually been more benefits to go around for everyone. My husband and I have figured the working-together thing out. We doing much better as business partners and as spouses. In fact, things are really great.

    So from my personal experience I would say that going into business with a husband who is polygamous might not be easy but it can be done and it can be really awesome.

  • Azam

    August 1, 2017

    Became 2nd wife in April (in the U.S.) married to a man originally from Pakistan. Agreements when we got married are not being met at all. I was promised 2 nights a week when we married, now he informed me that he will not be able to do that. Also, informed me that I have to “financially do what I can for myself” and he would do his best to cover what I can’t. He will not tell his first wife about me, but she does suspect we are now married. I do want the marriage to work as I fear Allah will punish me for not hanging onto my marriage, but everything I have learned from studying the Quran to listening to my elders, my husband is to be fare and equal. What choice do I have? I do love my husband dearly, but I know how he is handling our marriage is not correct and I fear for his punishment to.

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2017

    Alison and Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you both so much for your kind words https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Please know that I am totally grateful to Allah for giving us all this forum. Alhumdulliah!

    Not only does the blog help others, but it helps me to keep my head on straight, which can only be done by staying mindful of Allah. Chatting with all here and writing posts help me do it.

    You are all wonderful people who contribute and share, which is awesome. It wouldn’t be a blog without you.

    I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the writers and readers who visit this blog. May Allah continue to shower his bounties and blessings on us all. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Karima

    August 1, 2017

    Salam

    Ana what Alison wrote represents me too
    May Allah shower U with his blessings
    Hugs my Sister

  • Alison

    August 1, 2017

    Hey Anna Asalam aleikum been long but been following up hope all’s well with you my lovely sister….I forever hold you in my heart for being for me during this time…..you have been of tremendous help and may Allah bless you

  • anabellah

    August 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 May 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for August 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the July 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:July 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 August 2017 Discussions

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