Best Wife in Polygamy

Best wife in polygamy

Who is the best wife in polygamy? Women who are 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives fascinate many. Others have a strong dislike for them.

I used to think there was a difference between 1st wives and women who married their husbands in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th. My way of thinking changed when some 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives joined us here at polygamy 411. I conversed with them and learned much from them.

First, I learned that when it comes to who is the best wife in polygamy, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives are no different from wives who married their husbands first. All wives are human and bleed the same as anyone else.

In other words, they feel pain and they have emotions. Women want the same things regardless of what order they marry in. She wants a husband who is suitable for her.

Women want a husband whom they can love and will love them. Females long for affection. Everyone wants companionship. A wife wants someone who will be supportive of her and hopefully is capable of providing for her financially. She wants a man to father her children and/or be a father to the children that she already has.

Clearly, 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives are not Martians. They are not from planet Mars. In reality, they are earthly beings the same as the rest of us.

Just because a wife married her husband 1st doesn’t make her the best or more important than a wife who married the same man after her. 1st doesn’t equate to the best in a polygamous marriage.

Who is the best wife in polygamy from an Islamic perspective?

In short, I learned from reading the Holy Quran that Allah says the best person is the one who is the most righteous. Indeed, I believe it. By all means, faith is important. It’s not about the order that the wives married in. One should compete for righteousness. We shouldn’t compete for the place of best wife. If the wife is righteous, she will be a good wife to her husband.

I think many times wives try to belittle and demean the other wives despite the order they are in. To point out, it stems from base emotions. For example, some of the emotions are: jealousy, envy, selfishness, hatred, anger, bitterness, and rancor etc.  None of those are good to have.

We mustn’t lose sight of the fact that Allah chooses our mates for us. A wife who remembers it will accept her polygamous marriage. She will accept the other wife/wives in the marriage, as well.

In conclusion, to answer the questions: Who is the best wife in polygamy? Is it the 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th? The answer is: Best is not based on the order that the wives married in. To repeat, righteousness is most important. Be the most righteous servant of Allah. Strive for it.

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53 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    kadija,

    I agree with you, Sis. It doesn’t matter the number that the wife married her husband in. Allah says the best person is the one who is most righteous. The person who is the most righteous is the most honorable one in the sight of Allah.

    I agree with you that it’s the Satan who causes the dissension between wives with titles and terms etc, which, as you so accurately stated, aren’t needed in our faith. I agree with you that the only title that is needed is: “Muslim.” It’s what Allah refers to us as in the Holy Quran – not this type of Muslim or that type – simply “Muslim.” It’s why there is so much sectarianism in the world because people created sects and label themselves, which causes a separation between Muslims.

  • Kadija

    June 18, 2016

    My hubby hates when his wives and their families go on about who is first and second etc.

    Ive kinda experineced both ‘positions’ as when i married my ih he had a wife and i became the 2nd. His first wife kept trying to make everything into a conpetision but couldnt and so left us. My husband was very sad and still is whem he thinks of her. I then spent some time as his only missus before he married again and then I got the position of first wife. 

     

    Both terms suck lol. As a second wife I was considered a husband stealer and sexual fanatic by others in the family. As a first wife I get told that if I was a better wife then my hubby wouldn’t have remarried (never by my husband btw) and that hurts a lot. 

    To my husband and I all wives are equal no matter their timeline but the shaytan trays to distract us all with terms and titles that aren’t needed in our faith. 

    The only title that really matters is that of Muslim 🙂

  • Number4

    May 11, 2016

    AsalaamAlaikum, 

    mendi,

    No! Do not believe your husband. ..,seek help fast.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2016

    mendi,
    What ummof4 said about your safety is very important. It’s important that you are safe. If you are in fear and he is abusing you, you’ve got to get help. Don’t let him know that you’re going to do it. You’ve got to find a way to do it. Is there anyone who you can reach out to that wouldn’t go back to your husband and tell him that you came to him?

    See, I don’t know if you’re in the States or where you are. I can only speak of what I know about being in the US.; there is help for women who are victims of abuse here. There are shelters. They can go to the courts.

    Keep praying to Allah for his help and guidance. You’ll be okay, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2016

    mendi,

    My answer is the same as ummof4’s. A wife will not go to hell just because she doesn’t do what her husband says.

    Allah tells us in the Quran what would land us in the Hell Fire. Not worshiping and serving Allah the way He tells us to will get us there. Not obeying Allah will get us there.

    In the one ayah (verse) in the Quran that tells a woman to obey her husband, it means a believing husband. A believing husband serves Allah, teaches his wife, and help her to remember Allah and to worship Him. Allah is talking to the believers in that ayah.

    There are numerous ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran in which Allah tells us not to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Him.  He says don’t listen to them. Don’t take heed to them.

    A wife doesn’t have to obey any ole Joe Blow just because he is “Husband”. If he tells her to go have a threesome with him and the co-wife or go steal something or have sex with his friend or anything that is not right, should a wife do it just because he’s “husband” and he says so? NO!

    Something is definitely wrong if your husband tells you not to talk to anyone for help and tells you that you will go to hell, if you do. It’s a means of control for him. He wants to control you.

    Your husband is the one who is disobeying Allah. If a couple are having problems in a marriage that they can’t resolve, the couple are supposed to get a person (male) from his side of the family and a person from her side for them to mediate the matter. It’s the remedy that Allah gives us in the Quran.

    If you don’t have a male family member that is Muslim, then go the the masjid  and have someone there do it for you or your wali, if you have one. You’ll need a male Muslim that hopefully has some sense to do it for you.

    A husband doesn’t own a wife. She is not his property. Of course if a husband is in the wrong and he’s abusing and mistreating his wife, he won’t want anyone to know about it. He doesn’t want to be humiliated and called out on his wrongdoing. He wants to be able to keep doing what he’s doing. He wants to control his wife and continue to use and abuse her.

    There are Muslim men who try to control their wives by telling them that they will go to the Hell Fire, if they don’t obey them. As I said, Allah tells us what we must do to get to Paradise/Jannah. Of all the things that I’ve read that He says we must do, worshiping a husband isn’t one of them. Worshiping a husband will land a wife in the Hell Fire because it is “Shirk” – worshiping someone other than Allah, giving Him Partners or making anything equal to Him is an unforgivable sin.

    There are no intermediaries when it comes to the worship of Allah. A wife doesn’t have to go through her husband to get to Allah.  Worshiping and serving a husband is not a prerequisite to get to Jannah/Paradise.  It’s falsehood that men are teaching women. Women must educate themselves about what Allah says. He gave us the Quran as a Mercy and a Warning. It’s what He said.

  • ummof4

    May 10, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mendi, the answer to your question depends on the situation the wife is in.  Islam does not forbid a wife from going to get help for a bad marriage and Islam does not forbid divorce.  However, some wives are in situations where they are following culture instead of Islam and the her family and her husband’s family forbid her from seeking help and tell her that she will go to hell if she disobeys her husband or tries to get a divorce.  Each woman has to look at her own safety and her own sanity before deciding when and how to get help.

    A wife will not go to hell just for not doing what her husband said, especially if he is abusing her and not treating her correctly according to Islam.  No one can stop another person from making salatul istikhara.  Just make salah when that person is not around.  Salah is personal, between the individual and Allah.

    I pray that Allah makes it easy for you and your condition.

  • mendi

    May 10, 2016

    Can a husband stop a wife from going to get help if she is in a bad marriage or do istikhara  will she go to hell of she doesn’t listen to him,  if the marriage is very bad and keeps getting worse 

  • Umm of2

    May 9, 2016

    Chamomile

    inshaAllah all will go well for you. You’re off to a good start. Although after reading this blog from front to back I advise you to verify and make sure the other wife knows and you won’t be a secret. That could be tumultuous. 

    You’re so fortunate to have found this blog before marrying into polygamy. You have a great chance of avoiding 50 shades of bazerk lol. If you take the advise given here I have no doubt you will be happy and content and your marriage will thrive. 

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2016

    Chamomile,  Welcome https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m glad you found the blog and it’s been helpful to you. I think you’re off to a good start, if he has consulted with his wife about you. As long as she’s aware, it’s a good thing. I like that he was respectful of her and compassionate enough to forewarn her of his plans to be polygamous and and he didn’t just shove it down her throat and tell her she had better like it 🙁

    Insha Allah, all will go well for you, her and him. There is a lot of information here on this blog that Insha Allah will be helpful for you. If you want to chat with us, we’re here for you. 🙂

  • Chamomile

    May 9, 2016

    Found this blog when searching real life experience of polygyny. I’ve been proposed. I think we have very similar values and trust in Allah. I have not (yet) experience of polygyny, but in sha Allah will soon. I’m planning to marry a man who has one wife already. She knows about his plans to have a second wife. Thank you for sharing experiences.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2016

    Farah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, you’re still with us. We care about you and want to help as best that we can.

    It’s hard to get a good read (understand what is happening) on you and what’s going on . It’s not easy to get a correct reading on someone just from their writings.

    I understand you love your husband, which makes it difficult for you to leave the marriage, plus you’re dependent on him financially. Some of the ladies here have given you some suggestions. What do you think about it?

    You said that you are exercising sabr (patience). Patience is good. Allah love the patient. But, may I ask, what are you being patient about?

    As I said, it’s hard to get an accurate read on someone from their writings alone. The read that I get from you is that you just go where ever life takes you. You just accept whatever comes your way. You’re not pro-active in your life.

    There is a time to be patient and a time to act. Allah tells us in Quran that when an oppressive wrong is done to us, we shouldn’t be cowed but defend ourselves. It appears that you are in an oppressive marriage. You said your husband has abused you physically and psychologically. If I recall correctly, you said he takes the money from the business with him when he visits his other wife. Do you just work to take care of you, your child(ren), your husband and his other wife? What do you do about any of it?

    Letting someone walk all over you and accepting whatever happens to you when what is happening is wrong and not taking action isn’t the kind of patience that we should have.

    If you think you are worthless and you are accepting of anything and everything, then why would your condition change? Do you think one day you’ll wake up and your marriage will miraculously be better? Life just doesn’t work that way.

    We’re waiting to hear from you, Farah. We’re here to chat with you when you’ve got the time https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2016

    Number4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m just happy that you and everyone are here. There is no need for anyone to thank me for this blog/support that we have here for one another. I can’t say it enough that without you and everyone else here chatting with me and one another this blog wouldn’t be what it is. Allah is Great! I saw a desperate need for a blog like this when I began it back in Feb 2009 and I’m grateful to Allah that he brought it to fruition. I’m grateful that He has brought us all together. It’s a beautiful thing 🙂 Insha Allah more wives of all sequence 4, 3, 2, 1 will come and join us here. We all need one another. Only Allah is One.

  • Number4

    May 9, 2016

    Yes umm of2,

    I’m a 4th wife. I don’t have a relationship with the others.  The first has never had a desire to meet anyone. The 2nd and 3rd actually used to interact and live together until they had issues and live separately now.  It was their request to try sharing a home several years ago long before I came along. It’s beenough a year for me mow5 however this is my second polygamous marriage…however I like to say  I’m not polygamous,  my husband is lol.

    Since I ignore comments about the others I am able to focus solely on me. He’s been with these wives overy 20 years. I once had a desire to meet the2nd n 3rd but he feels that since 2 and 3 fell out all will not get along so I’ve not met anyone and I don’t desire to now. I did let him know if anyone got sick or hurt and if I could help I would…but I doubt if he would ask for my help.  I don’t care to meet the first bc she’s told him that she is against polygamy and has no desire to know about us.

    Thanks ana for the support, I just study more since finding this blog and since I have this blog, I no longer need to vent to friends bc  here we all Understand and support one another.

  • Umm of2

    May 9, 2016

    As salaamu Alaikum all,

    Sis fara I’m so sorry to hear you have been subjected to domestic violence at the hands of your husband, someone who you should feel safe around. One of the reasons you said you stayed was because you had no place to go and you’re dependant on your husband. That just brought me to tears. I think you should work towards becoming an independent woman. Your husband seems to be quite controlling. He seems to have you wrapped around his finger reminiscing the fact you are dependant on him and him alone. He needs help and your acceptance of his behaviour is like a ticking time bomb. He could just as well be putting his hands on his other wife as well. A disease like that doesn’t just go away. And it shouldn’t be tolerated under any circumstances. I will keep you in my duas. 

     

    My apologies sister if this was in the past and I opened up a can of worms. I’m just writing off of the information written in your recent post and it saddened me. May Allah guide us all towards becoming solely dependent on Him because our daily rizq is from Him. Allah may send our rizq through a person but it originated from Allah, the Provider and Maintainer. Ameen

  • Jasmina

    May 9, 2016

    Umm of 2

    assalamu alaykum

    its great to have someone new on the blog. I remember Aisha and miss her. I hope she is doing well inshaAllah.   Does your sister wife try to make you jealous on purpose? You have a large house, is there no way you can shift rooms so you are completely away from each other? I mean if it’s that obvious then the kids could know too and that’s wrong. My husbands other wife, does so many things to make me jealous and up until recently it was working that I was about to walk away from my marriage, everyone here helped me to realise my mistake and I have since been ignoring her, so now it’s really intensified and my oh my is she one devious person. It’s getting so bad but I’m trying to keep in mind that she will tire and things will go back to normal, patience. 

    I think that depending on the circumstances,mayor need to react to the situation accordingly.  

  • Umm of2

    May 8, 2016

    Number4 you’re a strong woman. I pray Allah helps me to stop reacting to pettiness. When my husband slips up and tries to say something negative about  my sister wife I walk away or talk over him and change the subject. So I’m grateful I’m capable of nipping something in the bud. Have lots to work on tho. It’s a working process with so many roller coaster up and down emotions. We must focus on our purpose, Allah and not get intertwined with our low desires. 

  • Umm of2

    May 8, 2016

    Sis Ana you are so right. Hazrat Ayesha was a human being. If her being jealous was the case it’s normal, to be expected but does not make it right. No one is perfect and without sin except our Holy Prophet PBUH. We all have things we need to improve on and I’m happy to know I have sisters here who will always tell me like it is and most importantly reminding me of Allah, our only reason for living. 

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2016

    Number4,

    It’s amazing how men can be jerks sometimes. I agree with you that a good way to deal with it is to ignore it. Allah says ignore ignorance. If the men don’t get a reaction, they’d back off. Some men do that crap just to get a rise out of the women to, as you said, fuel their own egos. What better way to do it than to have the women feuding and vying with each other for his time, money and attention.

    Good for you that you can easily not react 🙂 It’s not easy. Alhumdulliah! I’m happy for you.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Heck yeah, it’s hard to admit that one is jealous. It doesn’t feel good to admit it, probably because we know that jealousy is UGLY and wrong. But, when I recognize and admit it in myself when I first start to feel it, I begin to tackle it. I know I’m on my way to healing and rising above it when I can identify it in myself and try to do something about it. It gets easier to nip it in the bud each time the feeling rears it ugly head once we recognize it in ourselves and admit it. We need to know that it’s wrong to feel jealous.

    It’s why it used to annoy me in the past when some commentators used to come here and say, something to the effect that one of the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wife (Aisha) was jealous of his first wife Khadijah whenever he spoke of her. Maybe she was or maybe she wasn’t. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif I dunno.

    I do know that just because she was said to have been jealous, if in fact she was, doesn’t make it right. She was a human being just like the rest of us. She had feelings and she erred the way we all do. It doesn’t take anything from her. But, for some, it means to some that jealousy is okay and there is no need to sweat it. That attitude hinders growth.

  • Umm of2

    May 8, 2016

    Sis ana I love how you just rip off the band aid. You are completely correct. I think the first step to healing is admitting your feelings as hard is it may be. I have jealousy in my heart and a pray Allah helps me to get it out of my system once and for all. Satan does paint these illusions and sometimes it’s very difficult to ditch your mind off and stop over analysing everything. I just need to focus on my marriage with my husband point blank. May Allah guide me 

    number 4 it’s just complicated. Where I am it’s quite normal to live together. I can’t even think to deep on the topic bc it would put me in a dysfunctional state. 

     

    Good vibes inshaAllah hahaa

    Number 4 you’re a fourth wife right. MashaAllah 

  • Number4

    May 8, 2016

    Jealousy may be the whispers of Satan but it’s also a tool men use to control women and fuel their own egos.  I think the best way to take your control and power back is not to react to it. Pray hard and begin to practice your calm, ignore comments good or bad about another wife.  I only know this bc I do it and so glad I can. 

     

  • Number4

    May 8, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum, 

    fara, 

    Are you able to save money or spend as you decide? Are you interested in school maybe something that advances your own interests? I know it may help to stay focused on self not on your husband.  He seems to be the center of everything.  

    You also say you recently found out about the other wife,  can I ask how? Also you say she is “clever ” , don’t make her the issue.  Your husband put you both in a polygamous marriage, do you know if she knows about you? Also no telling what he’s told her of you. 

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2016

    Jealousy is probably the single most biggest problem for a wife in a polygamous marriage. Satan plays a part in jealousy. Satan whispers to us what our husbands and the others wives are doing together and paints pictures of it in our heads. We go with the pictures as though what Satan presents is real. Allah in the Quran says that Satan creates false illusions that seem real. If we entertain the thoughts of Satan’s whispers then we feel pain and get upset. We seep deeper and deeper into a state of depression and/or despair.

    We need to control the thought waves of our minds. We do it by not befriending Satan in listening to him. When we let Satan entertain us we become sad and upset. Allah says remembrance of Him is the Greatest thing in life with out doubt – the GREATEST thing. Then why are we in our heads hanging out with Satan?

    Furthermore, even if the husband is doing all the things that we envision him doing with the other wife, what’s wrong with them doing it? They are married. Do we have a problem with what Allah decreed?

    People are jealous because they want to be God. They want things a certain way and don’t want things a certain way. God made everything the way that it is. Until we become a servant to God and not think that we are God then we will have a problem with jealousy. Jealousy is reserved for Allah. Allah doesn’t like for anyone to equate anything any anyone with Him. It’s why shirk (setting up partners for him or making anything equal to him is a serious sin.) He has no partners. We are not His partners. We do not call the shots.

  • farah

    May 8, 2016

    Assalamualaikum number 4

    I stayed because I had no place to go and am dependent on him as I work for him.

    I stayed because I love him and I am having sabr..just jealousy eats me

  • Number4

    May 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum sisters, 

    umm of2, if you asked for a separate residence what would be the outcome? Have you ever asked? 

     

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Thank you for the very kind words. I’m glad the blog is helpful to everyone. It helps me too. I find joy in writing here, although sometime I do want to run away from it and never come back LOL  I suppose the blog could be part of my test. No one can leave anything or anywhere unless Allah decrees it. It means this blog too.

    Umm of2, I get where you’re coming from. You just can’t up and leave until or unless it’s time. If you’re not feeling it, it isn’t the time or perhaps you won’t have to leave. Just because your husband says he won’t give you your own dwelling today, doesn’t mean it won’t happen tomorrow (meaning near future or soon). Allah decides anyhow. We don’t (it’s just an illusion that we do). We’re just going through the motion.

    You’ve got your head on straight. Just keep worshiping and serving Allah. Keep turning to Him and He will see you through this. Don’t despair and don’t ever doubt. When we doubt, Allah places doubt upon doubt and we lose the battle. We go astray.

    You’re going to be okay. We’re here for you whenever you want to vent, even if you want to talk about the same thing over and over again. If you were on the older blog, you’d remember that Gail, Jenny and I were broken records LOL. I talked about the same thing so much, I’m surprised that I didn’t get tire. It’s all good, Sis. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Umm of2

    May 7, 2016

    Thank you sister. I’m more concerned of the backlash my leaving would have on my family than the importance given to me. They’re really good people who do not deserve what will come if I humiliate them. I don’t define myself by titles. I see myself no better or worse than the next person. Only Allah knows who’s better in virtuous deeds and Iman. There’s kids involved as well. I’m not prepared to pull the ground from underneath their feet. They’re happy and healthy. 

     

    Its just  this one obstacle I can’t seem to get around, get through, underneath or over it. I was hoping for a magical solution but you are so right only Allah can remove the impurities of my heart and insecurities of myself. Thank you so much it makes me feel better just getting it off my chest.  I don’t have anyone to discuss these concerns with, it feels god to speak freely

    i pray for you sis ana a lot. You are doing such a marvellous deed by the permission of Allah helping so many to focus on Allah first and foremost and everything else will fall into place. Perhaps sometimes you feel like you are a broken record, repeating the same things over and over for years but I think it’s admirable and may Allah bless you for it and keep you amongst the righteous on the day of judgement 

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2016

    Umm of2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It’s nice to know you’ve been reading here for a while and are joining the discussion https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m sure it has to be agonizing knowing when your husband is having sexual relations with his other wife. Knowing he’s in there and hearing it has got to be torture for any wife, unless she some type of freak.  It’s hard enough when a wife has her own dwelling and knows in her mind that when he leaves to go to his other wife, he more likely than not will have sexual relations with her. To actually know he’s in that room and getting busy with it is another thing.

    It may be easier for the wife who doesn’t live with her co to heal quicker and easier from the negative emotions – jealousy. When it’s in your face all the time, there seems no getting around it. You have no real relief from it.

    You said your main concern is the jealousy. Only Allah can remove the jealousy from your heart and let you be at peace about what your co and husband do sexually. Maybe you would have to leave the marriage before you will truly be healed or your husband will have to give you a separate dwelling.

    I know you feel stuck because as you said, you feel like the sacrificial lamb because he married you as a favor and to give honor to your family.

    Allah says all honor belongs to Him. If you TRULY want out of the marriage, you put Allah first in your life and really do what he requires of us with regard to worship, Allah may remove the jealousy and relieve your pain.

    If you continue to go along with holding your husband in honor and high regards thinking that you are special because of your husband’s supposed status, if you continue to believe that he is special and important because of his title and you have to succumb to what society thinks and what your parents want, then you may continue to suffer indefinitely.

    You have to determine whether you’re going to live to please others and continue to have a false sense of prestige, pride and honor based on who you are married to or you’re going to put all that aside and be willing to leave the marriage and start a new life. It’s the only way I can see it happening.

    You won’t see a change until you change what is in your heart – meaning, if your heart is with how people view you by being married to this Syed, Imam and it defines you, then your condition probably won’t change. If you put all that aside and realize it means nothing in the realm of things and really want out of it, then your condition may change.

    As you know there is no magical pill to remove jealousy from the heart. Allah controls the heart. Only He can remove it and the pain. Those are my thoughts on it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Umm of2

    May 7, 2016

    as Salaamu Alaikum all. I’ve been a silent reader for over a year now. This blog has taught me so much. I’ve been married for almost 9 years as a second wife. My husband is an older man, Syed and Imam. We don’t follow any particular sect as Allah told us not to we’re simply Muslim. The mouth dropping to the floor kicker is we live in one big three story home. My husband is well off but has us living together. I never asked for a seperate home or raised a complaint about living situations. You see he married me apparently as a “favor” an “honour” for my family so I’m basically a sacrificed lamb. I know many of you may not understand but it’s a complicated situation. I wanted advice on one thing in particular InshaAllah. I become uncontrollably jealous and crazy when I know my husband is intimate with my sister wife. It took me awhile to come to terms with it but every now and again it shatters me. It’s one thing living seperate I don’t think I would care what u don’t know won’t hurt you but we both know when one another is getting it on. I don’t want to act out anymore. I want to be happy for them they have a healthy sex life. I don’t want to care. I don’t know why it hurts so much. I always regret my behaviour in the end. And it puts a dint into my marriage with my husband when my jealous behaviour comes out. Any advice will be deeply appreciated. 

    May Allah guide us all and purify our hearts and protect us from the evil whispers of shaitaan. Ameen. 

    I was reading and learning from one sister who used to write here, Aisha who was in kind of a similar situation living wise. 

  • Number4

    May 6, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    Fara polygamy should not be done in secret, men can be very greedy and sneaky and that’s wrong.  Also you say your husband was/is abusive,  I’m just bothered by that fact. Allah knows best,  I’d prefer an abusive mate take more wives to leave me free of him…lol…

    Why did you stay?  

  • farah

    May 6, 2016

    Assalamualaikum

    Jazakallah khair Ana and Tasliyman

    I am grateful but like you said I should just over look.

    My husband other wife is in another country and I live in another country

    I have the children he don’t have children with her yet they planning

    I found out about 1 year ago and since I found out he has changed in a way to make me feel special.

    I look after our business while he goes away every month for 2 weeks and he goes to her ..he has no work that side neither does she work…..all the money goes from here to there when he goes and he has bought her enough.

    She is a Pakistani woman and very clever and I don’t trust her sorry that is my point as they capture foerigners .

    I’m just trusting Allah I have many scares on my body emotional and physical from the years of abuse my husband gave me but I still stuck it out with him.

     

    I have no complaints at all .

     

    Thank you for everyone for giving me good advise …

     

    Jumah Mubarak

     

     

     

    His

  • Tasliyman

    May 6, 2016

    Whether you’re first, second, third or fourth doesn’t really matter. It all boils down to your own insecurities.   Some people will say being the first is best. Some will say if she’s so great why did he marry another. Some will say the second wife has no self respect, how could she be happy knowing someone else is first. Some will say being second is best because he wouldn’t have married her if she wasnt better than what he already had. 

     

    People will say lots of stuff. As long as you allow yourself to be bothered by all of it, it’ll cause unhappiness in your life. 

     

    The key factor I learned here that allowed me to let go of the whole which one is best story was to change your focus to – how I can I be the best servant to Allah instead of – how can I be the best wife to my husband. 

    Once I made that shift I experienced an amazing sense of freedom from all the nonsense. People can carry on with their petty judgements and games, I decided to move on and live my life instead of worrying about my life. I spent far too long worrying about how society perceives me to be. Society (or even the other wife) is not responsible for your happiness – you are. 

     

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    This is a wife with her husband,

    Everyone has been indoctrinated to believe that 1st is the better or the best. We learn it as kids. We learn it from our parent, teacher et.al. In all competitive sports or any competition, everyone strives for 1st place. They don’t mind taking 2nd, 3rd or 4th place oppose to nothing, but they want to be number one. We see it in just about everything. I’d imagine it’s not easy to get around that way of thinking. One has to unlearn what she’s learned.

    When it comes to polygamy, it’s good that we have this forum here, so we can educated one another from a positive perspective. As I stated, I didn’t begin to really come around to believing correctly until I began to communicate here with ladies who married their husbands in the sequence of 2nd, 3rd and 4th. It’s just a number we use here to help us get a better understanding of who we each are. The sequence in which one marries determines the experience the person may have. I got slapped upside the head by a few of the 2nd, 3rds and 4ths who woke me up and gave me a reality check in what they said. It’s a beautiful thing to see the light now.

  • Number4

    May 5, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    Of course Polygamy is here to stay.  How can anyone change what Allah has ordained?

    Secretary….He was honest,  now you have to be honest with him. I was confused as to how you say you are not divorced but in a relationship with a Muslim man? I’m not judging but where is the Wali in this matter?

    Also what is it about polygamy that you don’t want to accept it? You haven’t experienced it yet have you? 

    First, second…whatever…people are not numbers,  marriage is not a relay race for first place…

    Turn to the Quran in all matters. And always be true to yourself. 

     

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    farah,

    You’re doing the right thing by praying to Allah. Only He can remove the pain, as you said. A wife has to do her part in order for that pain to go away. She has a duty and responsibility to Allah to serve and worship Him. When it’s being done and the wife patiently persevere, the pain can go away. It’s doesn’t have to hurt always. I know for a fact that it can entirely go away completely, and you could have so much joy. It takes putting Allah first.

    See if you could let your husband talk without you getting outwardly upset. Try not to focus on what he’s doing so much. Try to be out of sight of him when he’s skyping and talking to her. Try not to make a big deal about it. You may find that he begins to talk less to her in your presence. It may take time, but it’s worth the try. He may begin to take your feelings into consideration. Stop barking at him about it, if you do. Leave him alone.

    The truth to life lies in the opposite. Let him do what he wants with regard to it and then he may begin to do what you want. Give it a try. Letting him talk on the phone is an easier thing to deal with than what others may deal with. Laylah has a husband who is gone for 6 months. Moipone has a husband who will be gone for 3 months. We have to count our blessings. There are so many blessings that we have that we take for granted.

    Sometimes I think about breathing and I’ll take a deep breath and think about the air that I breath in. Some people are laid up in a hospital bed with a machine breathing for them. We take too much for granted. We have to learn not to sweat the small stuff.

  • anabellah

    May 5, 2016

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice that you’re still here with us, farah. Thank you for letting us know that you’re still reading. I appreciate it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    What you mentioned about your situation seems to be similar in a way to Laylah’s in that you feel you’re getting the short end of the stick.

    Everyone’s life is different than another’s and the grass always looks greener on the other side. We don’t know what the other person is going through. We could have a general idea by learning about people and what Allah says about them in the Quran. We don’t know what another person’s belief or lack of belief is in Allah unless we’re up close and personal with the person on a regular basis or communicate with one regularly. It’s not all about outer appearance.

    How well do you know your co to think she’s got it better than you? You just don’t know what your co is going through. We know everyone goes through something, and we know this life is not Paradise for anyone.

    We shouldn’t get consumed by what someone else is doing or what they have etc. We have to stop pointing our finger at someone else and point it back at ourselves. What are we doing and what should we be doing. If we’re looking at ourselves an focusing on Allah, we don’t have time to concern ourselves about another person, unless it’s absolutely necessary. We need to stop looking at others and look at ourselves.

    How far away does your husband live from his other? Is it in another country? Some wives get upset that the husband talks a lot to his other and the other may live in another country and don’t see him for months at a time. The one wife whom he lives with most of the time isn’t grateful that at least she has a husband who is there with her. He sleeps next to her at night. She has sexual relations with him. She share meals with him. They talk with each other in the flesh. They do all that husbands and wives do when they are together. Isn’t that much to be grateful for?

    If a husband doesn’t love his wife and is so much in love with the other then he most likely would divorce the one and go be with the other all the time. Wives in polygamous marriages fail to realize that if the husbands are there with them, they probably have love in their hearts for the wives. A man can love more than one woman easily and it doesn’t take away love that he has for the other(s).

  • farah

    May 5, 2016

    Assalamualaikum Ana

     

    Lovely post mashallah

     

    I don’t know I feel always my Co the 2nd is more loved my husband is constantly n the phone with her and skyping her

     

    They don’t have children so hence no responsibility..she don’t work only I work and run the business

     

    Allah knows best all I can do is pray to Allah to protect me and give me the strength to overcome the pain

     

    I am thankful for this group I often read the comments I don’t always respond but I’m always reading it.

     

     

  • Laylah

    May 5, 2016

    Salaam everyone x

    @Umm4 I agree with Ana when you said polygamy is here to stay , I was thinking… Oh my hat???!!! Other women and on and on going through this??!!! @Ana you are right, my perspective is wrong. When you highlighted those things for me. I got so emotional. It’s so easy to get caught up in the turmoil and not see all the many positive outcomes and blessings to come from this. Alhamdulillah x there are so many things, I just didn’t stop to think… Part of the problem was her , she was messing with my head, she emphasised how she ‘had it made’ and I was buying it all. Thank you so much. I’m am going to definitely change my mind set on this! Duas please 🙂 

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2016

    Laylah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your situation reminds me so much of a sister who was here years ago who lived in Egypt with her husband but was from the States. She was a fourth wife, and her husband went to work in Saudi the same as yours. He took his third wife whom was his favorite wife with him. Of course the other wives didn’t like it. The first two had family there with them, but 4th being from the States, couldn’t speak Arabic, and wasn’t close with the other wives, had no one. So, she was really very much alone and felt abandoned. She left him and came back to the States for a hot minute and then went back to Egypt to him. Who knows what happened after that.

    I empathize with you and your situation. It’s has to be way, way hard. This is how I’d suggest you try to deal with it. First, it could very well be a trial for you. Test/Trials I really haven’t quite determined whether they are the same or different. I tend to think they are the same, but I could be mistaken. I don’t think there is a major difference, if there is one at all.

    Any which way, tests/trials are hard. Not everyone passes them. If tests were easy, they wouldn’t be tests, right? – because everyone would be passing them. Maybe Allah wants good for you. Maybe he wants you to draw nearer to him and get your soul purified. Thus, he’s given you this MONUMENTAL test. You need to stop, stop, stop, feeling and thinking that you got the short end of the stick. Allah may have favored you by putting you in the situation that you are in. I don’t rightly know, of course because I’m not Allah. But, knowing what I know, Allah tests those who he wants good for. Remember, we can’t enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us.

    Instead of thinking that she’s got it made in the shade and she’s got it going on and all that, think about the mega barakats (blessings) that you could rack up to help you get to Jannah/Paradise, if you only look at your situation differently. All that you are doing for each of your children and all that you’re doing to maintain the house, each and everything you do could count as a good deed (WOW), if you change your thought pattern and start believing that Allah knows what is best for you, and he’s placed you in this position for a reason. When we remember Allah whenever we’re doing something, we find joy in it. You could find joy in all that you’re doing with the children and in the home and whatever you do, if you just replace the thoughts that you have of your husband, his other and your situations, with good, positive thoughts of Allah. Ask Allah to let you accept all His decisions. Everything that happens is ultimately Allah’s decision.

    If it’s too much for you to talk about the baby that is expected soon, then don’t do it. You don’t have to burden yourself with conversations with him about it. It clearly is upsetting to you. He should be able to understand that you’re not strong enough to go there with him about that. Let him know it. It takes nothing from you. You don’t need to be tormented with it. It wouldn’t make you a bad person to say, it’s too much for you and if I can think of anything else, I’ll let you know. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2016

    The part of ummof4’s post that was daunting to me was the part in which she said, polygamy is here to stay. That was a powerful accurate and true statement. It made me take notice. It’s heavy! I never heard anyone say it before and with Force.

  • ummof4

    May 4, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Secretary, it seems as if the man you want to marry has made it clear that he wants children.  You have made it clear that you cannot or do not want to have any more children.  Therefore, he wants 2 wives- you and someone else who will bear his children, In shaa’Allah.  So either you marry him and know that he is married to or will marry another wife, or you don’t marry him.  It’s that simple.  Also, remember the order in which a woman marries has nothing to do with anything.  All wives are to receive the same treatment from the husband, and no wife is superior or inferior to another wife based solely on the order in which she was married.

    Laylah, may Allah make it easy for you.  What was daunting in my writing, if I may ask?  By the way, daunting is one of my favorite words.

    Everyone enjoy the life that Allah has given us and do our best to use it in the way that He has commanded us.

  • Laylah

    May 4, 2016

    @ Secretary? I think that if he is decent enough to be honest? And his objectives clash with your s? You are either going to have to compromise your adamancy ( is that a word?) against polygamy, or find someone else. All the best with everything further x

     

  • Laylah

    May 4, 2016

    Salaam x

    So interesting, I love what you said@ Fatimah. @ Umm4 there are certain aspects of your article I still find daunting. @ Ana he went to work in Saudi. He sent for his other wife because, although she is pregnant, she doesn’t have any other children. It was easier to send for her. I have five kids and my situation is more complicated, so I have to wait which is really tough. For my kids and I. I know that polygamy is part of Islam and I am trying to be accepting and open. But I kinda feel like I’m getting a raw deal at the moment and it’s really bringing me down. I am supporting my husband through his work experience in Saudi, I have to be positive and give him good feedback over his new baby expected to arrive in August. And homeschool and be mum and dad to my own kids. It’s overwhelming. 

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2016

    Hi Secretary,

    I think you know already what is best for you to do. If I understand what you’ve written correctly, you said you are Muslim and are in a relationship with a Muslim man whom you want to marry. You said he has already informed you that he would want a second wife if he marries you. He didn’t say he may want want, but will want one. You said he wants children, which confirms to you that he wants another wife beside you, as well. You said that you are older, almost divorce and you have children, so I’m assuming you understand his desire for a younger wife to have children with. He’s laid his cards out on the table. He told you how it is.

    He wants another wife and he’s made it clear to you. You have basically said that you won’t be a second wife under any condition or circumstance. So, I suppose you don’t really want to marry the man, after all. It’s either he marries you and no one else or marries you and someone else who would be second.

    Sounds to me that you may want to kiss the relationship goodby and move on unless you can wrap your head around being in a polygamous marriage whether 1st or 2nd. 1st and 2nds both have problems in polygamous marriages. I don’t know why you are in the midst of a divorce, but I doubt that a polygamous marriage is going to be any easier than what you’ve just escaped from unless your soon to be ex-husband was a serial killer.

    Maybe some of the other ladies here will have some input for you.

  • Secretary

    May 3, 2016

    I’m in a relationship with a Muslim man and I want to marry him.  I also feel I would only be the first wife.  He wants a second wife.  But I will not be a second wife.  If he marries someone else first, I am gone.  I just don’t understand why he would want/need me.  I’m separated from my first husband and have two children.  I’m a professional older working reverted muslim woman (soon to be divorced).    He wants children and therefore will need a second wife for this purpose.  I feel flattered that he wants me, but sorry I can’t be second.  

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2016

    mendi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Welcome to the blog.

    To answer your question, “What makes a deserving husband?” – it’s beyond the scope of any human being to determine what or who a deserving husband is. Only Allah knows.

    A righteous wife will do good, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, and Allah determines who benefits from it

     

     

     

  • mendi

    May 3, 2016

    Salamu alaykum 

    What makes a deserving husband 

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2016

    @Laylah,

    Have you not been with your husband in six months because you are doing a trial separation or pending a divorce or he’s just not giving you his time (your time)? I was just wondering. Don’t feel compelled to answer.

    I know it’s a difficult pill to swallow when a woman marries the man whom you are married to and comes in causing ooo gooo gobs of problems. It’s one of the hardest things to accept. One can’t help but ask the newcomer what did she think she was getting into and why she accepted it knowing she didn’t really want it? When we remember that Allah made the match, it quickly answers all questions. I think the reasons that we all come up with are just excuses or simply conjecture. It’s not real…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    Thank you all for imputing and sharing your thoughts about the topic. It’s so helpful when we can all brainstorm with one another. It’s good to hear different perspective, so we could see polygamy from all angles. It’s quite nice. 🙂

  • ummof4

    May 3, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Fatimah, I love your expression that the men “need to put on their smooth suits for each home”.  That’s the key – the husband.  It is his responsibility to make each wife feel special in his special way and to “handle his business”.

    I love the fact that most of the women on this blog are understanding that we are all women with the same wants and needs. Many are beginning to see that we need to compete in righteousness and obeying Allah, not compete for the husband’s attention or affection.  (Of course, the husband has to be equitable in his marriages). Number 4 and Fatimah said it well.  Ladies, let’s continue to give the good dawah, because polygyny is here to stay!

    If it’s raining where you are, remember to thank Allah for the rain and to make du’ah.

     

  • Fatimah

    May 3, 2016

    As salaamu Alaikum Ana

    I totally agree with you on this matter. I say this being a first wife and not because I think someone is better or more loved, but honestly the number means nothing. I learned years ago that my husband’s second wife only wanted what I wanted bc shes female and human! Why shouldn’t she have it? The difficulty comes in wanting it from your husband. Lmao. And him giving it to her. Otherwise it’s a matter of working on our jealousies. Everyone has their jealous moments no matter what number you fall in and many times 1, 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife feels someone else is the favorite. No one should feel it or see it but that’s a whole different topic and scene. Lol. A man has to be just regardless and when he isn’t,  he will have to answer to Allah swt either here or in the Akira (next life). The men just need to put on their smooth suits for each home and make them all feel as their due right. That’s how I see it but I don’t live in a perfect world. Make ur women feel like they are loved aND cared for all the way across the board. It won’t end jealousy bc we are human but you know what I’m saying . It does make some things a hell of a lot better.

  • Number4

    May 3, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum…

    I concur ana.  We all want to be loved,  protected and married.  Marriage isn’t ownership.  Being possessive is negative energy and it creates mischief and discord mostly for the person spewing out that disharmony.  

  • Laylah

    May 3, 2016

     Salaam x

    I absolutely agree with this post. It’s so good. I love it. There is so much villanising of women back and forth. And the man sits innocently on his hands lapping up all the attention and loving women fighting over him! I’m not saying begrudge your husband, however it isn’t fair using the other woman as a fall guy. My husband’s younger wife gets upset with me when he does something she believes to be unfair. If you have a problem with something in your marriage it is soley to do with you and your partner. Admittedly sometimes there is interference from another woman, but again your husband has to stand firm that is his responsibility. Anyway. Ana you are so right, I don’t allow him to badmouth any more, because of course, what might he be saying about me. I actually caught them gossip mongering, he sent me a voice note accidentally, you see how Allah works? Amazing. I’m resolving to open my life to her and my husband is about to send a voice clip to my kids and accidentally records her screaming at the top of her lungs about me! I’m not even with him . I have been without my husband for six months now. And it is very difficult. Alhamdulillah. Thank you for this post. It reminds me that even after every thing she has done, she is still young and deserving of my compassion. However I’m keeping my distance thank you very much !!!!