Control Ugly Jealousy in a Polygamous Marriage

control ugly jealousy in a polygamous marriage

A writer here at polygamy 411 asked how a woman can control ugly jealousy in a polygamous marriage that she feels from time to time. Jealousy is an emotion that all women feel at one time or another when she is in a polygamous marriage. Some feel it often. Certainly, we all know of it. It is when someone feels discomfort in the heart upon knowing another is given love or affection.

Jealousy doesn’t feel good. No one knows how ugly it is better than one who sees or hears it in another. It could make one who sees it cringe. Jealousy hurts the person who feels it and damages her soul.

The only way to control ugly jealousy in a polygamous marriage, which is a low emotion, is to turn to Allah for help. First thing to remember is that Allah, Great and Glorious is He, controls the heart. Another key point is that Allah heals. Only He can make someone feel better. Jealousy is a sign of a disease in the heart.

Allah is the only One who can help a person control ugly jealousy in a polygamous marriage. He can lessen the negative emotion to a point that she can manage it. One needs to notice the emotion when it surfaces, and then shut it down.

To control ugly jealousy in a polygamous marriage, some women think all they have to do is ask Allah for help. It is then a done deal

A woman who feels the base emotion of jealousy needs to know how important it is to worship Allah, so He could help her. She has to make sure she is giving Allah full-time worship. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran not to give Him part-time worship. To ask Allah for help is a must to get rid of jealousy or tame it.

Jealousy comes about all to often in a woman who is in a polygamous marriage. To control ugly jealously in polygamy, the woman must to do her part, if she wants Allah’s help. Has she carried out her duty to Allah? It is not good enough to turn to Him only when she is in a jam. She needs to turn to him not only when she needs help. She must worship Him all the time.

A woman needs to recognize what she feels. If it doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good. Although, all things that feel good isn’t always good. One thing we definitely know is that jealousy is not nice. The first thing many Muslim women say is that the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wife Aishah was jealous. Although she may have been, it’s not an excuse that we should use.

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131 Comments

  • Tasliyman

    October 10, 2016

    Divy, 

    With Allah by your side your heart will be better off than without Allah. 

    Once you get to a stage where Allah comes first in your life, the rest of your life just gets better.

    I did not go looking to be in a polygamous marriage because it is part of my religion, but it came across my path in any case. It was difficult and not at all the life what I had planned. But by turning to Allah, being grateful for the blessings I received and accepting that I am where I am because it is Allah’s Will made life easier. 

    So yes, I would put Allah above my own heart any day.  I believe it’s the best way to live my life and the best way to protect my heart. 

    Oh, I just read your post again and see that you asked the question for a women that is not muslim. Well I am Muslim, was born Muslim. I then actually cant answer your question . https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    Divy,

    In answer to your question, another thing you need to consider is that many of the women here who are in polygamous marriages were non-Muslims. They converted to Islam.  They not only considered being in a polygamous marriage, but are in a polygamous marriage. So, I’m not really sure what your question is unless I misunderstood it.

    Many non-Muslims are in polygamous marriages but they don’t call it that. Men having affairs is rampant in the west. Just look at the scandal that Trump brought up about former President Bill Clinton, if you live in the US. Every time you turn around, someone is getting caught having adulterous affairs. Single people are catching their boyfriends with other girls and the boys are catching the girlfriends with other men.  Most men are polygamous by nature. I believe it’s the way they were created.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    Divy, Hello

    I can’t answer what I would do if I wasn’t Muslim because I consider it a would of, could of, should of type question. How would anyone know what they’d do unless or until they are in the particular situation? It’s impossible to know. It’s like asking someone what they’d do if they were rich or asking a woman what she’d do if she was a man. It speculation and impossible to know. It’s conjecture. It’s just guessing and it useless talk. It’s vain talk. The ladies are Muslim and are in a polygamous marriage and it’s what we should be dealing with – what exists, not make believe.

    I’m sure most women here would however say they would not consider being in a poly relationship. If they would consider it, most wouldn’t be here trying to find a way to live it comfortably and in peace. Most of the women here are making an effort to accept polygamy or have accepted it because it is part of our religion – Islam.

    We should put religion -Islam before our heart because Allah who is God created us to serve Him. He comes FIRST. He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth and all between. We are not suppose to follow the lust of our heart as it would lead us astray from the path of Allah. Our goal is Paradise.

    Do you follow any formal religion and believe in God? I only ask because I think if you did, you wouldn’t ask why one wouldn’t put her desires before and in front of God.

  • Divy

    October 10, 2016

    I just want to ask you ladies if you were not Muslim, would you still consider being in a poly relationship. If not, why do you choose to put your religion above your own heart?

  • Emotional

    October 24, 2015

    salam….sorry its been awhile and Ana thanks for the advice and encouragement. took it all into consideration but i think i need more. i have to agree with sisters in this group that say personal jihad is REALLY HARD! sincerely cant remember the last tym i have been on a roller coaster of emotions.
    this weekend when hubby was to come back from work after being away two weeks i had alot of emotions going through me. i was happy to see him cos i missed him and but another part of me was scared and anxious cos i knew the texting and calls would break the wall i worked so hard trying to build and the pain would be back. by the time he arrived i made up my mind that when the texting starts i would find somethng else to do instead of sitting through it. it seemed to work until i went to pick a piece of paper for him in his car and found a love letter from her to him on the seat while checking through the papers.
    i found strength and went back with both papers i.e the one he wanted and the letter. gave it to and asked him to please find a place to safe keep these kind of stuff so that i don’t have see them. he then tells me that it wont be possible cos its not like his cheating or sleeping around that he has to be hiding stuff from me. he wants to be able to be comfortable to keep things anyway at anytime without worrying about it. told him its painful seeing these kind of stuff as i was trying to work my issues. i don’t need reminders of there relationship during my tym. i want to have a painfree tym with the little tym i have with him after all i have accepted the situation and handling it the best i can.
    next thing i know am being scolded and being told that if i had accepted the situation this letter would never be an issue and i would have brushed it off without thinking about it. the next i knew i was going out the room with tears streaming out my eyes n him calling back but i couldn’t answer him. my walls had shattered and couldn’t believe he was being inconsiderate about my feeling. after calming down and a believer of always talking things out we had another talk and to cut my rambling short i realised he wasn’t going to budge on the issue and learnt the marriage was going to be earlier then he initially told me which worries me cos he never does big decision without telling me and here he was changing ryt in front of me
    he tells me his marrying her to help her out cos shes a young divorcee with no kids n its a marriage of convinence. i told him to stop telling me that and just admit it in front of me he was marrying for luv n doesn’t need to lie to me. he did admit that sincerely he doesn’t need to marry her cos he has all he nids in ours and is happy with it but he still wants to marry her which i sincerely think he was saying to make it easy for me but its giving me more pain then comfort.
    i know like you have all said that this takes tym and prayers but shouldn’t he also try to make it easy for me to get through this period? why should i be the only one suffering this heartbreaking pain? is it wrong for a part of me wanting to pray for Allah to make me luv him less so that i won’t suffer so much? Allah SWT forgive me for not being stronger in this situation of mine but its hard…..
    pls don’t get me wrong but surprisingly don’t hate her…..i wish i could but cant find in me to hate her or my hubby. she sent me a gift this week which i didn’t understand why but still graciously called and thanked her. i guess this means she means good but having difficulty wrapping my head around my situation right now so sincerely don’t know how to act towards her. wish this was a bad dream i could wake up from but guess i should stop kidding myself and pray and hope ALLAH SWT makes this easy for me and all my other sisters going through the same thing.
    so sorry for the long write up but need a place to vent and hear how you my experienced sisters made it work

  • Laila

    October 12, 2015

    Dear Jas. Ive been a regular here but due to work and other commitments I have had to be away. I am a second wife and I totally understand your fears. I have battled the jelaous monster to the controlling wife. Lol!! I think it is a noble thing that he has asked you to be his wife instead of his mistress. Many women agree to be a live in mistress and let’s face it, in the long run it does not in any way benefit them. I think it’s important to place all cards on the table. You are both young and have a good life ahead. But it is important to sit down and just TALK. Because through talking will you know where you stand and how to overcome some issues that will come up. Polygamy isn’t easy and there will be some hiccups along the way. So best to at least talk about where you stand on the matter and so that you both have a shared idea on the whole journey together. I am certain that his wife will create issues and threats. Is he ready for that?

  • Fatimah

    October 11, 2015

    Ana, thats deep what you said in regards to the situation being purification of the soul. Thats exactly what it is. Wow.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2015

    Emotional, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Welcome to our home. Insha Allah, you’ll be comfortable enough here to call it your cyberspace home, as well. I totally know what you are going through as do most of the ladies here. You are by no means alone. We will try to help you get through this as much as we possibly can.

    First, you mustn’t blame yourself for your husband’s intent to become polygamous. As much as it may look as though you contributed to it, YOU DID NOT. I could tell you that if you think your husband decided this for himself, you will have a hard road ahead of you with no end in sight. If you truly believe that Allah decreed it for your husband and you, you are on the right path and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    There are men who tell their wives that they have no interest in polygamy. Then the next thing she knows her husband is talking of marrying another woman. I truly believe when they said it the men probably had no intention of becoming polygamous. The thing is – no one knows the future. Only Allah does. So when your husband said it was “Karma”, I know what he meant. It wasn’t “Karma” though. It was what Allah decreed. Allah wrote the script.

    You should believe your husband when he says it wasn’t your fault. He’s being truthful with you. It sounds that your husband is good in that respect. He’s not blaming you for what is not your fault. On the other hand, your husband is being totally unreasonable and insensitive to ask you to talk to the woman. As you said, you are fighting a personal jihad. You just learned of his engagement to her last weekend. He expects way too much from you way too soon. He shouldn’t force her on you. You have to progress at your own pace. You need to investigate her to determine if she is even someone who you want to associate with. Allah tells us to investigate. You’re not obligated to befriend that woman.

    I can tell you that what you’re going through, struggling to cope, crying and just barely being able to hold on is very common when a wife first learns her husband will marry someone else. The thoughts of the two of them together is painful and heartbreaking. I can tell you that in time (and it won’t happen overnight) things will get better, IF you focus on Allah and serving and worshiping Him. He will eventually relieve you of the pain and suffering you feel and your life will one day be back to what you had known as normal, but probably way better. You’d have to go through a purification of the soul process to get there. You are doing the right thing by turning your attention to Allah. You already said you feel much better when you turn to Allah and pray to Him.

    I will close for now. We are here for you whenever you want to talk or have any questions. :-)

  • Emotional

    October 11, 2015

    Salam….hi am new here n guess this is a place to talk to sisters with similar issues as mine. Just realised from reading all d post that jealousy affects us all…no matter which position you are in the polgamy tree.
    My hubby of 4 yrs with 2 kids who in d past was never into polgamy just told me last weekend he meet someone that made him change his mind and asked my permission to make it official by asking for her hand in marriage even though it will be a year or so b4 d wedding will take place due to finances.
    With my heart breaking I said yes but later on told him truthfully that he hurt me and the only reason I agreed was for the sake of Allah. He was hurt that I could say that to him but to shorten the story he asked and she agreed so now his engaged to her.
    My hubby works in a different state then where our house is so I only get to see him weekends and she gets the whole week with him and he answered her call yesterday and made me talk to her while asking me to please be nice. Now he wants me to make an effort to be friends with her which I told him wasn’t fair on me. I will be nice n cordial when an opportunity arises for us to talk n will give her the respect but dis early he can’t ask me to be calling her and being chubby with her when am fighting a personal jihad like someone said in an old post.
    It hurts and kills me to know he luvs her, what went wrong in d 4 years of marriage, is it my fault for not following him when he was posted to another state even though we had talk about it and he prefered our kids to grow up here n he didn’t want me to resign from work so probably me not being there pushed him to look for emotional comfort.
    He tells me I wasn’t at fault but it just one of those things that happen and you can’t control it like karma but still I wonder…..
    So now I try every night not to cry my self to sleep n try not to drive myself crazy with thots of him and her and at the same time am angry at myself for not be stronger then this. I have two lovely kids, a good paying job that keeps me busy so I should have less time to drive myself nut with thoughts but am losing that battles. My only comfort is when I Pray to Allah SWT to help me though this period of anguish and pain which I hope will get better day by day and hopefully by the time d wedding does happen I would be better person n l won’t be affected by it and would have won this personal jihad of mine

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    Ana
    Alhamdulillah! I hope much positive can be taken from it.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    You made a very valid point to Jas about feeling less loved than the other wife. She said she needs to feel and be the most loved. People are very self-centered. A wife would want to be the most favorite, but don’t care where it leaves the other wife. It’s something to think about. A wife shouldn’t feel badly about being the favorite, but on the same hand, she should be considerate of how it makes the other wife feel. She should have some empathy. When the less loved wife knows the other wife is at least caring, it could create a bond between them.

    I’m going to repeat here what you stated because it’s super important. You said, “but recently Alhamdulillah Allah has alleviated me of that weight. Its a blow to the ego to be married for a long time and feel someone has ur husbands heart but i feel its all apart of the test. Allah does t want our egos to be big or to share partners w HIM. So its really important for us to put pour husbands in thebspace where they belong.” Most definitely!!!

    I agree with your mom that it is in man’s nature to be polygamous and we just can’t take it personally. It’s sooooo very true. It’s not about we women all the time. It how women can get it twisted. Polygamy is about the man. Allah gave him the privilege. Women can get so caught up in what they say are their “rights” that they make themselves sick and very unhappy. A believing woman is going to get her rights. She won’t have to go protesting, hooting and hollering to get them. Allah is going to take care of the believing woman. Forget the rights and get right with Allah. Allah’s promises are true.

    I think many times women when they first become a part of a polygamous marriage act out in an unbecoming way. I’m not in anyway condoning it. It’s wrong and we all pay for the wrong we’ve done. Hopefully we repent and seek Allah’s help and forgiveness. I know some men are known to love the attention of women vying for their affection. The men get wrapped up in their ego. They don’t realize the pain and hurt it causes the wives. Eventually, they stop, usually when one of the wives or both stop making him seem that important.

    I really love what you said when you stated, “Dont Be the woman that u didnt want in ur own life. Dont turn around and be that very person you feared being in ur life.”

    Something else you said, I must repeat here. You stated, “The struggle is REALLLLLL ladies! I always Ask Allah swt to lift the brief off my chest and I always find thzt at some point HE does and it keeps me asking again and agsin bc i believe HE will relieve me of it. Allah loves when we turn to HIM and believe in HIS power enough to continually ask for HIS aide.” That is heavy. You did that. Well said.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    @Fatimah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    There is so much I could say about your last post that is good. Your writings are so important because you write from the perspective of someone who has just become a part of a polygamous marriage. Once a person has been in it for a long while and has become acclimated to it, she has a tendency to forget what she went through. She has to really try to think back to remember. It’s not something someone really want to remember either LOL Anyhow, your posts bring it home. The feeling are raw and new. It gives others a better understanding of what it is like.

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2015

    Fatimah,

    All is good, Sis. No problema. I know you didn’t know. No harm done :-)

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    Sorry about the Arabic posts!

  • Fatimah

    October 10, 2015

    @Jas
    I agree with Ana is respect to not knowing who will be favorite or loved more. I think its important for second or possible second to really think about the first wife in regard to their own feelings. What i mean is, u said ur concerned about feeling less important (bc they share a child) so this makes u apprehensive about marrying him or concerns u. How do u think the first wife would feel that he is marrying you? She would feel less important as well. So why is it that it would be ok for u to marry him and feel the most loved and not her? So you want something for yourself that u dont want for her, this is the reality of what ur saying. U dont want to feel less loved but if u are most loved,then she will be less loved and that’s ok w u bc u dont want to feel less loved. This shouldnt be a condition NOT to marry him. Its just not the right reason not to marry an already married man to be concerned about being less loved. The first wife goes thru a great deal of pain and will automatically feel less loved and replaced. You too will have his child inshaALLAH. I say focus on the relationship that u two will have w eachother rather than fearing what u wont have bc of what already exists. Your willing to marry a man who is married already. You have to know it comes with a package. Dont let that be the reason not to marry him.
    I also agree w Gail in regards to speaking w his wife. Western ideals have effected us and we treat polygamy like adultery. Its an open relationship that Allah swt has allowed. Some times the second wife marries feeling she doesnt need to coexist or even aknowledge the first wife. To me THAT is asking for disaster. Im not saying yall have to be up in eachothers faces i just mean go to her for what u need. I promise you, most first wives are furious w the idea but in the end there will be a level of respect that she will have. Not in all cases but in some. Speak to her bc its possible he could be lying to you about his marriage to lure u into marrying him. Meaning making it out to be worse than what it is and like someone said, if their relationship is bad now, its GOING to get worse and possibly spill over into yours, making u regret it. There is a lot to consider when marrying a man who is married. What happens when they kiss and make up? And everything starts to work out? Intially u may feel like the one offering him co fort and being his go to bc his marriage is bad but what if Allah flips it? How would u feel? Im just saying consider ur reasons in marrying or not marrying him. Personally I think a man shouldn’t marry when his first marriage is on the rocks. He needs to handle his business and make things right. Secure his wife and marriage before taking on another. First and seconds have their sh a re of feeling insecure but the husband has the ability to make them all feel loved and cared for.

    Coco I have a ton of respect for u in how u dealt w hearing about the baby. May Allah swt continue to bless u. It takes great effort to fight ones lower self. Allah bless u for feeling the love for the baby. And its nice that he makes u feel connected even tho its his other wife’s baby. That is actually very telling of how much he cares about u. Its hard to accept sometimes our husbands loving someone else, no matter what number we are and the connections thst they have w thier wives. Trust me she cries too. Tears roll down her eyes at the thought that one day he will be sending her pics of ur beautiful baby. We all share some kind of pain and happiness at one point or another. My husbands wife doesnt even speakto my children. When she sees them she looks to the ground.

    Im not sure whose post it was but the wife calling and texting when yall are together is lkke someone said, insecurity. Is she the first wife? Thats natural for her to feel that way but she really should respect that time. I think its i portant in polygamy to really do and not do to others what we would orwould not like! I never harrass my husabnd like that bc i thinks its disrespectful and an intrusion of her time. In the beginning of my husabnd marrying, they did alot of texting on my time and boy did it piss me off. Mainly bc he agreed that it was disrespectful and not ethical to be chatting away on someone’s time. I guess he was loving the attention and it took over his sound self. As for her, it made me not like her bc i feel as a woman who previously didnt want her ex to marry, should be more conscious of her own actions as the second wife. Dont Be the woman that u didnt want in ur own life. Dont turn around and be that very person you feared being in ur life. Allah swt is JUST. But anyway how did she know yall were out together to start texting like crazy? I smell a rat. And it sounds like him He should fear Allah if he is inciting jealousy between his wives. Thats not why Allah allowed polygamy. He should be careful in doing that. Telling u about rings is so unnecessary.

    I think in a way earlier postGail mentioned about not letting on to the husband knowing he is lying. I literally JUST got over that. Having this thing to lettting him know either he is lying or that im onto his game so he doesnt think I’m dumb. Allahswt had a friend of mine see the power over my emotions i was giving him. The control. Girl THAT alone had me let it go. It was haarrrddd in the beginning but Alhamdulillah it has gotten easier to hold my tongue. Him getting angry my my exposure only made things worse. I stopped letting him know i “noticed” what hes doing. When I realized he sees me as pathetic for always whining about time, Loooorrrdddd the disgust I felt w myself helped me drop that. I still feelhurt sometimes but Alhamdulillah Allah has given me a little strength to not just say anything but not have an attitude anymore. I noticed that when he sees me not paying attention, he starts coming to me. He shares alot more w me. Too much sometimes but i know its him confiding in me as a friend. I pick my battles now and leave the rest to Allah swt. Its hard but innthe end its less stress. Inside i feel that he prefers her over me but that could be a combination of the newness and my insecurity. It really tore me up in the beginning but recently Alhamdulillah Allah has alleviated me of that weight. Its a blow to the ego to be married for a long time and feel someone has ur husbands heart but i feel its all apart of the test. Allah does t want our egos to be big or to share partners w HIM. So its really important for us to put pour husbands in thebspace where they belong. My mom who was in polygamy until her co passed away when i was kid, always says its in a mans nature to be polygamist and we just cant tske some things personal.

    Ok I prob got wayyy off topic but just talking helps me w my own struggles. The struggle is REALLLLLL ladies! I always Ask Allah swt to lift the brief off my chest and I always find thzt at some point HE does and it keeps me asking again and agsin bc i believe HE will relieve me of it. Allah loves when we turn to HIM and believe in HIS power enough to continually ask for HIS aide.

    Anyway I hope thst i did not offend anyone as Allah knows it isbt my intention at all. And may HE forgive me if i have.

  • lurker

    October 6, 2015

    Ana, Yes, mine said I had to sign for them, but in the end I didn’t have to. So I waited at home for no reason. lol And 36 eggs a day!?!?!?!?!??

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2015

    @lurker, Hi there!

    Just want to update you about the Cumin Seeds. Well, I tracked my package and it’s nearby with UPS (United Parcel Service). The problem is, I know UPS doesn’t deliver to PO Boxes. Why they didn’t indicate it on the site when I ordered the seeds is beyond me. Why they didn’t notice when preparing it for shipping that it was going to a PO box is even more perplexing. Anyhow, the company emailed me today for an actual address that they could give to UPS. I’m assuming the seeds will be delivered to my doorstep tomorrow. So, there we have it.

    Insha Allah, you are enjoying your seeds and becoming healthier by the day. I watched a video on YouTube about the seeds. This guy began by saying he eats 36 eggs a day for protein. The thought of it is enough to make me sick. People do some weird stuff. I wonder what type of health issues he’s going to incur from the excess

  • Gail

    October 2, 2015

    Ana,
    Your Welcome

  • Gail

    October 2, 2015

    Jas,

    I think the bottom line is this Your boyfriends 1st wife should u marry him is going to be out of her mind furious.Since they already have a toxic relationship it is bound to get very ugly very fast.Now in saying all this u have to read between the lines here.The majority of woman love their husbands unless they have done something to disturb them.I would imagine your boyfriend being in his 20s has been caught cheating,lying,stealing or just a lazy dog or something in between.People don’t just wake up and look at their spouse and say I hate your A$$! So u might want to get to the bottom of all that before u up and say I do and find out what is really going on because I think your boyfriend being so young and not being able to make his first marriage work and now wanting to marry u on top it sounds like a recipe for disaster if u ask me.
    If the first wife truly don’t care meet her and ask her straight up what the heck is going on and why she thinks her husband is a douchebag at least that way u will find out something about both their characters and she will have a heads up whats going down.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2015

    Gail,

    Insha Allah, I will definitely research it. I just need to get a free moment. All the information that is available at our fingertips is overwhelming. Thank you for filling me in, in the interim though. I appreciate it. :-)

  • Gail

    October 2, 2015

    Mari,

    Good for u for standing up for your rights.Who ever was running their mouth off to u had no right last I heard we still live in a free country! Autism is on the rise and alot of reports are pointing at Vaccines.

  • Gail

    October 2, 2015

    Ana,

    I am kinda surprised u have not heard of Monsanto because they r so huge and I mean right up to the white house HUGE.I am happy u now know the name and what they r doing to farmers.U should look up how farmers in India got involved with Monsanto and ended up committing suicide by drinking the pesticides they put on the crops.U can find all this info about India farmers and Monsanto it is tragic and very sad.Monsanto has got hols on the food crops now they r trying for the animals.If u don’t know about Terminator seeds/Sterile seeds u might want to look that up as well.None this is looking to bright for the next generation for certain.I am not certain if India has been able to get Monsanto out of their country or not completely but I do know there is a woman that has become an advocate and fighting against Monsanto in India by helping farmers get seed to grow.
    Not sure if u know this or not but once u start planting Monsanto seeds and using their fertilizes etc.. Farmers can’t go back to growing normal crops.It ruins their soil from what I have read.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @Jas, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to our humble abode. It’s not always humble, but it’s our home Big Smile

    It’s very nice that the man whom you are considering marriage to wants to take care of his child, and not have another man raise her. It is tricky and risky out there when it comes to other men raising children that are not their own. The man could marry the woman who has children, and have children by her that he would naturally love more than her children from the previous marriage. The children from the previous marriage very often get abused or neglected by the step-father. It’s what a lot of people fail to understand when it come to just and fair treatment of the orphans. Polygamy often times involves a man becoming an authoritative figure over children that are not his own. It’s why a man is required to make his intent and know that he will be able to be fair and just to children that aren’t his own when he marries women who already have children.

    Your potential intended would do good to continue to stay married to his wife for that reason – to protect his children. Don’t, however, doubt for a moment that he doesn’t have any love in his heart for his wife, as well. If he does, which he probably does, he won’t rub it in your face, as he is trying to wed you. He has some history with the woman. They made a child together.I doubt he hates her.

    So, he wants you as a wife and you don’t know what to do. No one can answer the questions that concern you that you have asked. There is no guarantee that he will not leave you once you and he are married. Some men in polygamous marriages have been known to divorce a wife that he married second, and go back to the wife that he was monogamous with and resume monogamy with her. Sometimes it seems that he just went out there, got another wife, got the goodies and was gone. What can one do? You can’t figure that one out in advance.

    No one but you will know how you will do with regard to jealousy that you WILL feel. You are the one who would have to personally work on it. It would be your personal jihad. You won’t know how you will do with it till you’re in it, and dealing with it. It will be your personal battle.

    You may feel that you are second and he loves her more, as he has a child with her. Allah knows best which of the two of you he will love more. Allah controls the heart. Your intended won’t be able to tell you in advance who he will love more, as he doesn’t know. He may love you more now. Once he’s married to you and is away from her a bit, he may begin to feel the love for her all over again and sparks may ignite. He may tire of seeing the ugliness, bitterness and hatred in her, and begin to love you more. There is no way of telling how it will turn out. It’s okay and is the norm for a man to have a favorite wife. Time would tell who it would be. The closer a woman comes to Allah, she doesn’t care who the favorite is. It doesn’t matter to her. She only wants to be a favorite, good servant of Allah. She’d only want to be foremost in faith and foremost in the Hereafter.

    There is nothing wrong with her agreeing to remain married to him, as long as he continues to support her and their child. It would be an amicable agreement that she and he would come to in order to avoid divorce, which is perfectly Halal to do. It’s an option that is available for those in troubled marriages.

    If you have so much doubt, you may want to do without. Most women know when they want to take the plunge and take the challenge. It’s a no brainer. Doubt raises a red flag. Pray to Allah for guidance and for what is best for you.

  • Jas

    October 1, 2015

    Assalam Alaikum Sisters,

    I have been talking to a very good Muslim man who is currently still married although separated from his 1st wife, and they have a child together. And in knowing this, his wife has threatened to if he was to leave her and move on, she would take his child away from him and he loves his child so much and I wouldn’t want that to happen. And he also cannot stand the thought of another man being around his child as a father figure, which I understand. She said to him, “you can get married again, we will stay married and you still have to support me and your child or we will divorce and I will not let you see your child as you please”. Also in saying that they have a very misunderstood relationship, it is toxic, they argue and fight all the time and he wants to stay with her for the sake of his daughter, but because we are in our 20’s and he would like more kids, he asked me if I’d be okay with being a 2ND wife.. I know in Islam it is permissible and he wants to come and ask for my hand and move on with me but I have fears, I don’t want to be married and then he leaves me for her and I don’t want to marry him and then not to be able to control my jealousy towards their relationship because I can’t help but feel I will be less important that his 1st wife because he has a child with her. I would like some advice on this matter from sisters who understand and/or have experience in the matter. I’m sorry if it’s confusing and please forgive me if I’ve said anything bad or wrong, I’m speaking from a heavy heart and a confused brain.

    Jazak Allah Kheir

  • Marie

    October 1, 2015

    Hiya all,

    Lurker, what a wonderful conversation you started. Im glad you did. Im a big health fanatic too. I agree with you and gail about vaccinations. I absolutely refuse to have my children vaccinated. I was asked to go for a meeting to warn me of the risks of not giving them to my children. I point blank told her, I will not allow you to inject my 6 week old baby with heavy metals, preservative and a list of other harmful ingredients. The last thing she said was, I hope you know that if your child catches measles you will be responsible for other children getting sick, I said, well if the other children have had these injections they shouldn’t get sick and if they do then clearly your vacinations don’t work.

    Ana, coconut oil is one of my favourite health foods. I use it for everything, I use it as a lotion, hair oil, cooking, its wonderful in rice. And currently for our baby girls cradle cap. Im definitely going to order some of those seeds.

    My mom has warned me about Monsanto, as she is into organic eating too. She regularly updates sme on what not to eat.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    @lurker,

    Will do Insha Allah, I will research “Monsanto” later in the day. Based on what you and Gail have said, it sounds way serious. I’m BIG on organic – have been for a good many years now. I always look for organic. Of course, I eat all Halal/Zabihah meats, as well.

    Insha Allah, I’ll put the Black Cumin Seeds on my salad, as well, once it gets here. Thank you for sharing about it. I already put Organic ground premium flax seed by SPECTRUM on top my salad. It’s delicious. It’s not expensive either.

    Oh, well, it’s about 1:30 a.m. where I be at. LOL Insha Allah, I’m going to try to get some shut eye before Fajr prayer. Till we meet again – PEACE!

  • lurker

    October 1, 2015

    ana, google monsanto and gmo and round up and you will get tons of info. it’s really sad those elected officials who are selling out our children and grandchildren’s futures! buy organic whenever possible and support small farms too! many of our fruits and veggies may soon disappear altogether if they are not stopped!

    i put some of those black cumin seeds raw in a salad and they are good that way too!

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    “Monsanto” sounds like some Spanish guy.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2015

    Gail,

    Excuse my ignorance, but I’ve never even heard of any “Monsanto” until lurker mentioned it. You said, “It is just insanity and why people as a whole r not standing up screaming over this mess is beyond me.”

    Maybe people as a whole are like me, and haven’t heard of any “Monsanto”. LOL You’ve just given me an education. Thank you very much! When lurker mentioned “Monsanto”, I just assumed it was some type of pesticide/insecticide/germicide type thing.

  • Gail

    September 30, 2015

    Ana and Lurker,

    I think autism has more to do with vaccines.As far as Monsanto goes yrs ago when I was in Pakistan I started researching about Monsanto and what they r doing.I am a very religious person and always have been interested in the world and what is going on it is and how we r following this decline in human behavior towards globalization and one world government etc..
    I was studying and praying/meditating and I don’t know but something would not let me leave Monsanto and I started asking G.D direct what is it that I am suppose to know about this Organization that is so darn important and he flat answered me straight up and told me your kids will learn Agriculture.At that time I did not know what Agriculture was to be honest I had to stop and think what is Agriculture for a minute.Then again he told me “He who controls the FOOD source controls the world” At that moment everything was made crystal clear to me.Monsanto Terminator seeds! IF u don’t know Monsanto uses a technology to sterilize their seeds so that the seeds will not reproduce and bare more of it’s own kind.This put the farmers having to come back for new seed ever year and not being able to save any seeds for the next year.The worst of it is that Monsanto is now in control of the food source essentially they control the world food supply.I am sure this is what their ultimate Aim is all about and the company is headed toward.Now if u think about it logically u can’t eat money u need food to eat and if u have a handful of companies controlling the seeds/food supply well that is a very scary thing.This is also the reason they have gone after farmers in my opinion.
    They also went to Europe to try to get a patent on Pig genes.What they r doing is very deviant and scary because the USA government and Monsanto have this revolving door where Congressmen and Senators are on the government payroll working for Monsanto or who did work for Monsanto.It is just insanity and why people as a whole r not standing up screaming over this mess is beyond me.
    I have noticed once anything reaches Washington it is really hard to get rid of it be a it a person or an company.

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    @Remarrying,

    Wa Alakikum As Salaam. Eid Mubarak to you, too! It’s nice to have you here.

    If she is only your intended and she can’t handle the thought of you being intimate with your wife to the extent that she vomits, there is a strong likelihood she will have even more problems in the marriage to you once it happens. Maybe you and she should reconsider the marriage. Maybe she should be patient and, Insha Allah, He will send her a single man who she could live in monogamy with. The last thing you want to do is resort to lying about having sexual relations with your wife. You don’t want to say you and your wife don’t have it. Some men lie about it and I think it’s wrong. It makes the wife sound like an undesirable and paints her in a bad light. There is nothing wrong with you having sexual relations with your wife.

    Insha Allah, your intended is Muslim. If so, the only thing that would help her overcome becoming nauseous is to turn to Allah for refuge from Satan. What she imagines is from Satan. Satan has her imagining you being intimate with your wife. Probably all wives have problems with the thoughts when in polygamous marriages. Only Allah can remove those thoughts. She has to turn to Him for Him to do it. If the women entertain the thoughts, they will suffer.

    If you have any other questions, we’re here for you. Much Salaam!

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    @lurker,

    There probably is some connection to the pesticides and other chemicals, and Autism. Something is up with it. Why suddenly are there so many cases of children with autism?

    I watched a couple of good documentaries on NetFlix. I don’t know if you have it. One was “Fed Up”. It’s about obesity in the US. It covered how young kids are obese and the health problems associated with it. It was way sad. It made me cry. The other one was “The True Cost”. It’s about fashion, outsourcing, and the health problems associated with people who work making the clothes. It was way interesting.

    I watched something on the BBC news this morning about the bees. It was a bit boring so I didn’t finish it. I just know once upon a time those busy bees were buzzing all around me and now I rarely see ONE.

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    Hey there, lurker,
    You got them! Yay! Thank you for letting me know what they are like – they aren’t that hard and can easily be eaten raw. I was beginning to wonder if just swallowing a bunch of seeds on a regular was safe. I think I’d be more apt to just eat them raw or crush them and eat with honey. Earlier, I watched a short video of a woman who put them in a coffee grinder after heating them in a frying pan. I don’t want to put heat to mine.
    Thanks again for letting me know what they are like. I pray the best for us with them. We are just going to be too healthy, glowingly sexy for our skin LOL I hope Gail is well. Insha Allah, she’ll stop in and chat with us.

  • lurker

    September 30, 2015

    hey ana! i got them today via UPS!

    I just ate 7 seeds raw. They are not that bad, and they are not really hard or anything, you can easily eat them raw and they don’t taste that bad either, i just ate them plain without anything. I’m going to give some to my mother too!

  • lurker

    September 30, 2015

    @ana, i believe the bees are dying off due to Monsanto’s chemicals, the gmo crops, people using “round up” i remember there used to be so many bees and now there are so much less and a lot of our food depends on bees. it makes me wonder if there is also a connection to the rise in autism.

  • Remarrying

    September 30, 2015

    Bism Allah

    Assalaamu alaikum

    Sister,
    Eid mubarak!

    I am engaged to a woman who knows I am already married. Her one problem is that she imagines me with my other wife in intimacy, and then becomes nauseous. Has anyone else dealt with this and any suggestions for how to overcome it?

    Assalaamu alaikum

  • anabellah

    September 30, 2015

    Yay, that’s exciting! I have no idea when mine will get here. I’ll have to go to the post office to pick mine up. I’ll keep you posted. I don’t think a lot of people are open minded. They are very closed minded in deed. If they don’t take heed, it’s their lost. My mom is health conscious the same as me. We share what we learn about nutrition. We used to go shopping at the health food store together. My mom is way cool, classy and sophisticated, as I am.The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree LOL

    I didn’t hear anything about the bees being extinct or anything. I wonder what’s up with that. I haven’t seen any in a good long while :-(

  • lurker

    September 30, 2015

    i just hope i don’t miss the knock on the door tomorrow! lol i’m going to check on google and see what i can find too…i know so many people with health problems, i’m hoping this can help them as well (if they are open minded enough to try it-that’s the biggest hurdle)

  • anabellah

    September 29, 2015

    @Lurker,

    The same as you, I was wondering how I am going to use it. I, too, had written down what coco instructed – to swallow 7 seeds in the a.m. with water before eating. I wrote down crush fresh garlic in honey with black seed and take 3 times a day, as well. Did we read that one online? I’m not sure. I think long term, Insha Allah, I’ll take 7 seeds every morning. I’m thinking the mixture with garlic would be short-term – say, for instance, a week. Eventually the fresh garlic will come out the pores. Maybe the package that it comes in will have some instructions on it.

  • lurker

    September 29, 2015

    @ana, i can’t wait either! can you tell me how you plan to use it? crush it and mix with honey? eat seeds whole? i want to do it the right way! and yes, coco is so positive and infectiously spreads laughter and joy

  • ummof4

    September 29, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Coco, it’s good to hear from you. I agree, you are a kind, considerate, sunny person. When are you and your intended planning to get married now? Has it been put off again? How is the health of your family?

    Everyone have a good day worshipping Allah.

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2015

    @lurker,

    Yeah, we both will have the same kind of Nigella Sativa Seeds (You know I had written the name down, right? I know you don’t think I remembered the name LOL). I’m so excited that I’m going to take it. I can’t wait for it to get here. My wali asked me today when it should arrive, cuz I bought him one, as well. I like that it has nothing added to it and it’s organic. I just got good feelings about that one.

    lurker, I’m so happy that you got us talking about natural health remedies when you mentioned the garlic to Gail. Alhumdulliah! You were so kind to reach out to Gail about it. Consequently, we got to learn from coco about the “Black Seed” as well. Allah is Great

    lurker, no need to thank me. I thank you! Insha Allah, I will remember to take a tablespoon of honey everyday, if my allergies begin to mess with me again. So far, so good. I thank Allah much.

    All is good in the neighborhood! :-)

  • anabellah

    September 28, 2015

    @Coco,

    WOW, you said, “It’s almost sad if only they knew that bringing others down will only make them feel lower than they already feel. Negativity comes with weight.” That was heavy. You’re always spitting knowledge. Today when I was driving, I thought of another saying that you shared with us. “It went something like, She thought she was in darkness, but she was the light.” I probably didn’t get the quote exact, but it was close enough for me to get the meaning and appreciate it. What a beautiful, inspirational saying.

    coco, you said you couldn’t breath for about 10 minutes, when he text you about the baby. You then remembered Allah and was okay. You should feel so good about yourself that Allah allowed you to do what He tells us to. He say remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. He said He remembers those who remember Him. He let you remember Him and He made you feel better quickly. Alhumdulliah.

    Of course you were going to feel some way about it. Of course you reacted. Who wouldn’t. You didn’t go to the dark side though. You did what you were supposed to do. You turned to Allah. You apparently passed the test. Alhumdulliah.

    It’s beautiful that you feel the love for the baby. How could your intended not love you when you are so selfLESS. We don’t know what Allah has in store for us. We don’t know why Allah has planned things the way He has. We have to believe that He knows what is best for us. He knows what He is doing. He has a plan. It’s all good…

    Much love to you, too, Sis coco. Stay strong and, Insha Allah, stop in whenever you can. You always bring the sunshine with you

  • lurker

    September 28, 2015

    @ana, thank you so much for letting me know which one to buy! i went shopping today and could not find it anywhere, even in Indian grocery stores. So i went on Amazon and just ordered it. It was more expensive, but supposed to arrive in 2 days. It is the same brand, and from Egypt. I also read that Egypt was the best too. Thank you! and also thank you for the advice on overeating. Also, I don’t have coconut water, but i do have coconut oil. I will try that too!

  • coco

    September 28, 2015

    Gail
    Ooooo I’m oh SOOOOO glad you had some black seeds lying around at home and it worked when you tried it. Way excited for you! COWABUNGA DUDE! Hahaha I just couldn’t resist saying that. It brings me joy that you’re already feeling better ☺️ It’s amazing how feeling heathy can uplift our spirits. I would recommend you swallowing it in seed form as opposed to pill you never know what unnecessary additives are mixed in. Your posts made me smile you’re too sweet! About you feeling perplexed about how life has turned out and why it has how it has well I find myself contemplating life as well but I guess it’s right how it’s said “The wound is where the light enters you” Rumi. There’s beauty and depth in a person whose eyes are “open” to the ugliness out there. You being here uplifting, comforting and helping others around the world is all cuz of the suffering you endured it’s not all for nothing you are light here as is Ana and the many other sisters here. It’s a blessing to be able to spread the light. As for me and fiancé plans are still in tact between us it’s just a matter of time now inshAllah. And yes I was telling Ana in the post earlier that the baby finally arrived a few weeks ago he is an absolutely beautiful baby he has the most cutest chubby fingers EVER mashAllah. My heart just expands every time I see pictures of him I see so much of his father in him I am surprised as to how I once feared of this time arriving but now that he’s here I see a little bundle of love. Again I’m really happy the sativa seeds are doing you good I wish you health and happiness. Lots of love to you ❤️ xo

  • coco

    September 28, 2015

    Ana
    Ditto! I think of you more than often and miss you too. It’s always nice to read your posts I feel the love ☺️ Life on your side sounds full of contentment mashAllah may it always be! The fairytale wedding sounds like fun and a very happy belated anniversary! About the hateful people out there I don’t know it’s hard to say why they are that way the are maybe it’s hard to see someone who should be in despair not be. It’s almost sad if only they knew that bringing others down will only make them feel lower than they already feel. Negativity comes with weight. About the little one when he first texted me I felt like I couldn’t breathe for about 10 minutes lol but I took a deep breath and asked Allah to help me hold myself together I felt joy for him becoming a father but was a little sad for myself as well this was the life we spoke of planned but Allah had his own plans anyways I sucked it up and sincerely sent love and duas for the baby. Each time he sent me pictures of the baby tears rolled down my cheeks he is just perfect mashAllah. He tells me often he’s your son too maybe he needs me to feel assured that through him I’m connected to his son. Anyways I’ve got my emotions in check now lol Alhumdulilah! Much love to you sister always ❤️ xo

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @Lurker,

    You’re right LOL Anything to get our minds off jealousy is good. You’re so cute. LOL. After all the talk about Nigella Sativa Seeds (black cumin seeds), I ordered some for my wali and me. I ordered us each a pound. It’s Egyptian and organic. I read the Egyptian kind is the best. it was only $8.99 a 1b. The shipping was most expensive. We figured we’d take it daily as a preventative measure. I ordered it from: kevala.net/item/kevala-organic-black-cumin-seeds-1lb.html I didn’t hyperlink it becuz I don’t want to freely advertise for them. Although I still am in a sense. It’s all good…

    Perhaps Allah will let me do a page on natural remedies. For now, I’ve got my hands full, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have no problem with people talking health and medical issues and remedies here. I find it all fascinating.

    Oh, by the way, years ago when I used to read a lot of Islamic material. I can’t remember what book it was, but I read that a woman ate too much, and just couldn’t stop overeating. She never felt satisfied. The wise man or whomever told her to say Bishmillah over her food before she eats and it would help. It’s what we’re supposed to do anyhow and do it as soon as we remember, if we forgot.

    I don’t know if you like coconut water or not. If you drink a cup of coconut water (get the organic kind or at least pure coconut water with no mixture of anything else and not from concentrate) it removes the hunger. I know it for a fact.

  • lurker

    September 27, 2015

    oh, and bees! it is so scary that they are dying off!!

  • lurker

    September 27, 2015

    @gail, it is funny you mentioned using garlic for a yeast infection! that is actually how i found out about it. I was really sick, went to the dr. took antibiotics and a few weeks later i ended up with a yeast infection. I googled it, and found that midwife telling about garlic working for yeast infections. I was also getting the cold/bronchitis back again at that time.

    So, it was completely unexpected, because it did not work for the yeast infection but it immediately cleared up my cold/bronchitis/whatever it was. I emailed to the midwife and told her about this unexpected benefit and she had never heard of that, but she had heard of people putting it in their nose. :)

    @ana, Glad you didn’t have that surgery done! i think dr’s are scared about lawsuits, so they do so many unnecessary things. And i have the same problem with eating, but my stomach seems to be bottomless lol. Anyone know of anything that helps with diabetes? i think i am going to try the 7 black cumin seeds too, why not? :) OH! i just googled it and people on amazon are saying it helps a lot with blood sugar! hmm I will definitely get some tomorrow!! :)) hey maybe you need to do a page on home remedy suggestions! sorry to get your page off the topic, but then again, anything to take your mind off jealousy is good, eh?

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    It’s good you’ve joined the discussion. I like hearing from you. I’m glad the post was helpful. It should be helpful to all of us. Jealousy is no stranger to any of us. It’s important that we recognize it in us when it raises it’s ugly little head. We then could confront it head on. It’s what is sooo very important – that we know when it arrives. Alhumdulliah.

    I am sorry to hear about your parent who has MS. I hope that improving her diet slows the process down and make it easier.

    My problem with eating is the size of the portions that I eat. For a while there I was eating a Muffin daily. Apple pie and ice cream or coconut custard pie were a regular, as well. I recently learned how wonderful coconut is for good health, so I jumped onto some coconut custard pie LOL Coconut is supposed to be a cure all, so I’ve gotten a jar of raw, organic coconut and eat a teaspoon or two each day. I used to dislike coconut, but when it comes to health and nutrition, I don’t care about taste. I’ve acquired a taste now for coconut. :-)

    Insha Allah, we’ll hear more from you.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’m so happy to hear that the Black Cumin Seeds are working for you. It’s wonderful news. Coco is a Godsend. I know you are one happy camper. God is Great!

    Gail, every time I see an advertisement on TV for a prescription drug and the side effects are cited, I can’t help, but get freaked out by it. Why would anyone take one thing that could cause 50 others things that are far worse? LOL It’s incredible. It should be a no brainer that a person shouldn’t want to mess around with it.

    About the poisoning, it could have had some lingering effects that you just won’t know about for certain. Stress is definitely a killer. It leads to all kinds of diseases. It’s why it’s soooo important that women who are in polygamous marriages get themselves together psychologically and physically or else it will take a toll on them.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @lurker,

    I am so glad that you didn’t have your gallbladder removed. See, it’s what I’m talking about. One shouldn’t listen to a doctor such as him. Something similar happened to me and I am glad Allah protected me. I went for an annual gynecological exam when I was about 24 years old. The doctor felt a lump in my breast and said to get it checked out. I suppose I had a test. It was so long ago I can’t remember the details clearly. Anyhow, I ended up at a surgeon’s office. She told me that it was a fatty tumor. I forget the technical name for it. She said, of course, it was NOT cancerous. She said if she removes it, it may grow back. She said the scar would be minimal, and showed me where it would be. I’m no fool. I’m thinking if it’s not cancerous and there is a chance that it will grow back, then why would I have it removed? She said it wouldn’t turn into cancer either. I left the office and ignored the whole situation. Days later, the doctor called me at work to schedule the surgery. I told her straight that I wasn’t going to have the surgery. Do you know, that woman tried to convenience me to have it and said she wouldn’t be responsible for whatever happens with regard to it in the future, if I don’t have the surgery. She got indignant and was irate towards me. It is why when a doctor comes telling me that he or she could remove something that is not serious or causing me any problem and say – it may grow back – it’s my sign to leave whatever it is alone. A doctor is bound to find something wrong with everyone at sometime or another. A person needs to learn how to use their brain to make educated intentions. I won’t say decision, because Allah decides. I don’t see it as my decision, but as Allah’s protection.

  • anabellah

    September 27, 2015

    @lurker,

    Thank you for the info about the honey for allergies. I’ve been using raw organic honey for years, mostly in hot herbal teas. I have a heaping spoonful in herbal tea each morning after Fajr prayer while I read the Quran.

    I only take a spoonful of it when I feel a cold coming on. I don’t like sugar at all, so when I take a spoonful of it, I feel as though I’m eating a spoonful of sugar. When Jenny was here, she told us to put some honey in a bowl, add some lemon juice and mix it for sore throats and colds relief. I can’t remember if she said add cayenne pepper in it or not. I think she did. Anyhow, I sprinkle some cayenne pepper in it. She said don’t drink or eat anything for about 1/2 hour after taking it. I found it to works, as well. It’s like drinking lemon, honey cough drops.

    My allergies haven’t given me much of a problem lately at all. If it should start up again, I will do as you said, Insha Allah, and take a spoonful of it raw. I just checked my honey and it’s made in the USA, Texas. I too read that the honey one eats should be produced locally. It makes total sense that it is an immunization. I’m familiar with the kind that you take with the pieces of, I think it is, honey cone on top. I’ve tried it as well. I don’t mess around with processed honey at all. The honey I get must be organic, and raw honey. I eat the pure maple syrup from Vermont or Canada, as well. Don’t anyone come near me with any Aunt Jemimah, unless I’m in a restaurant where they have nothing but the processed stuff.

    Thank your very much for the information. I really appreciate it.

    Yes, honey is a healer. Allah says it is. He speaks about honey and the varieties in the Quran. The Surah is named, “The Bee”.

    “And thy Lord taught the Bee to build its cells in hills, on trees, and in (men’s) habitations;”
    Quran: Surah 16, Ayah 68

    “Then to eat of all the produce (of the earth), and find with skill the spacious paths of its Lord: there issues from within their bodies a drink of varying colours, wherein is healing for men: verily in this is a Sign for those who give thought.”
    Quran: Suray 16, Ayah 69

  • lurker

    September 27, 2015

    @ana, btw, i’ve been told by a woman in Australia that her husband had bad allergies and he took a spoonful of raw honey every day for a year and the allergies gradually got worse and then went away. She said that was 20 years ago, and he’s had no allergy problems since. They think it is because the honey comes from plants’ pollen and it is similar to immunizations. It certainly can’t hurt to try it.

    I’ve heard lots of good things about honey, but it has to be the raw, local honey. You have to be careful because there was a lot of publicity a while back about honey made in China that was mostly corn syrup. I never eat that runny honey. The honey i eat is thick like a creme, and it has little pieces of stuff on top. It tastes good too! :)

  • lurker

    September 27, 2015

    ana, yes, i am the same way. if i have to go to a dr and i think it is serious and no other choice then i follow his recommendations of course. but about 4 years ago, i had a gall bladder attack out of nowhere. it was so bad. i had eaten fried foods for 3 days prior and i usually never eat fried foods.

    my dr sent me to a specialist who wanted to operate and take my gall bladder out. i said, “but this is the first time and i ate all those fried foods!” he said, “oh it doesn’t matter, eventually you will have to have it out and if it comes back in the middle of the nite when no dr is around then you won’t be happy.”

    well, next thing i knew, a few days later, i rec’d a date for surgery in the mail for the following week!! i called and told them to cancel it. i thought that is so so ridiculous, to take it out for a one time flare up.

    now it’s 4 years later, and no more attacks and i also make sure never to eat fried food. i still can’t believe they were going to remove it for a one time flare up!! but you know what? he told me a secret lol.

    He said he had a woman friend who refused to have hers taken out. Every time she got a flare up, she went to her bed, laid down sideways, and put her head on the ground and the rest of her body up in the air. She laid like that for half hour or so and the stone would move back out of the channel where it was bothering her. Her pain would disappear until the next time, then she would go upside down again. He said she did that for 25 years until she died of other causes. LOL

  • jasmina

    September 27, 2015

    salams

    This is a great post. I read it a while ago but felt it wasn’t relevant to me as I don’t believe I am jealous at all. recently I have reflected a lot and reread the post and I think I suffer from a serious case of jealousy lol to the point I get very irritated and wish ill against her. It’s so hard to control, I thought it was resentment for her part in my story but I think it’s also jealousy.

    Anyhow am into natural living as well, i am convinced. problem is I get lazy and eat fatty food when i’m busy. My parent has MS and we are trying to improve the diet in hopes it will slow down the progress.

  • Gail

    September 27, 2015

    Lurker,

    I have heard of using garlic for a yeast infection but never to clear your head very interesting and Yes u r correct I will try it and thank u for the information because I suffer with inner ear problems and stuffiness daily.

    Coco,
    Your Black Cumin seeds are working and I feel so much better.I am taking twice a day as u said and all I can say is WOW!! U r an angel.I was really suffering so much.

    Mari2,
    No the poisoning happened yrs ago.I think u r right and alot of this is stress related.I think my body is depleted on some vitamins and minerals from being stressed out.I am seriously working hard to make myself healthy again.

    I am very much into nutrition with vitamins and minerals.I am making my children learn all this as I feel it just might save their lives someday.It is silly that this is not better in schools.
    I think taking a medication that has more side effects than the problems u have is just freaking insanity.My doc gave me a medication to contract my stomach muscles so my food will move out of my upper stomach.When I read all the long list of side effects which were to many to name and death was on the list I refused to take it.It is a blessing Coco told me about the Black Cumin seeds.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2015

    I don’t want anyone to get me wrong. I’m not totally against doctors completely. There are good ones and there are time when I will listen to the ones that I think are competent. I have a dermatologist who I love. She is such a good doctor. She prescribes ointment that I use for when I have allergic reactions and I my face turn red and puffy near my eye or I have an allergic reaction and develop a rash on my hand (s). I try to use it sparingly if at all. I have an allergist because as of late I’ve become gluten intolerant.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2015

    @lurker,

    I smiled when you mentioned how doctors react when you tell them about natural remedies that work. I’ve gotten those looks before as though they thought I was cray, cray. LOL. Now, I don’t say anything. An eye doctor told me that my eyes had improved since the last prescription. No way on God’s green earth was I going to tell him that I do a prayer for my eyesight to improve. I’m near sighted. I only go to my gynecologist to get birth control pills. She gives me prescriptions for mammograms and check to check how fertile I am. My primary physician is good for giving prescriptions for everything, for all types of tests. I toss all the prescriptions in a folder and they accumulate throughout the years LOL

    I’m fascinated by natural remedies. My brother-in-law just retired from working Pharmaceuticals for 40 years. He won’t listen to anything I have to say about natural remedies. He’s indoctrinated in pharmaceuticals. Some people think doctors are gods. To each his own.

  • lurker

    September 26, 2015

    @ana, totally agree with you there, people are so gullible and closed minded. I can’t tell you how many close friends and relatives i told who were really sick, and out of them all, only one did it.

    I know because i saw and felt her excitement, and she was saying the same exact things i did. First you taste it in your mouth, then a pressure starts building around your sinus area and within one hour, you can breathe like never before-so clear!!

    It’s such a shame that people would rather take chemicals than something natural. I trust natural remedies more than doctors. it’s good to have an open mind, especially in this day and age.:)

    @mari2, i did not know about tumeric…i had heard it is good for u, but did not know about the blood cleansing. i told my dr about what i did with the garlic and he looked at me like i was from outer space and shook his head. LOL I dont care, i know it works, and that’s all that matters.

    He did tell me before that Muscadine grape seed extract worked really great to reverse his friend’s cancer though! He said it grows wild in North Carolina and he is really impressed with how great it helped his friend. I guess until you see something like that work, it’s hard to believe-especially if you’re a doctor. :)

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2015

    @Mari2,

    No problema. It’s all good…

  • Mari2

    September 26, 2015

    @Ana
    You are right. I combined both Heart and Lurker. Sorry.

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Very nice post!!!! I don’t know if you actually meant it for “Lurker”. I think she spoke about Holistic/homeopathic remedies. Maybe it was meant for “Heart”.
    Regardless, I liked reading it. It was very good dawah for me and for all of us. Thank you! :-)

  • Mari2

    September 26, 2015

    And yes Lurker, Allah is the best of planners. Unfortunately, some polygamous husbands are not the best of follow-upers. The Quran should be their guide and for the wives as well, but sometimes they too stumble. It’s okay since none is expected to be perfect. I am in perfect acceptance of polygamy despite the tests. But yes, I get snide remarks from others(even Muslim, even M’s family) but I persevere because I know this is Allah’s plan for M and me. I trust in Allah. Not sure sometimes what He was thinking with regard to myself, but I trust in Him. HE has a plan. When I get to jannah it will be revealed. Until then I ebb and flow, fight shaitan, pray, ignore negative comments, pray some more, try to set limits, pray, laugh, pray, cry, pray, become frustrated, pray, learn that I know nothing, pray….etc. Know this…in any marriage, in any job, in any life there are ups and downs, and there will always be frustration. Just do good, try to be patient, accept your faults and your husband’s, read quran, cover your rights and know what Allah has decreed for you. It’s a hard journey sometimes, but He will walk you through it.

  • Mari2

    September 26, 2015

    Gail,
    are you worried that you were poisoned then or now? Honestly I think your digestive issues are more stress related. But residual effects from poisoning can last for a long while. Have you had yourself tested for heavy metal exposure? Hair analysis? Heavy metal and lead exposure is pretty common in Pakistan due to a lack of decent infrastructure. Are you eating off plates made there? Are you cooking in pots made there? If so, then discontinue using all implements made, shined or polished there.

  • Mari2

    September 26, 2015

    Lurker,
    homeopathic stuff really does work. Turmeric for blood cleansing, either orally or as a poultice on boils. Raw potatoes for hemeroids which a mid wife friend told me works very well. Wet cabbage leaves on a breast feeding new mother to help with initial let down. Non alcoholic drinks rich in hops for milk production of breast feeding mothers, and the age old production of gripe water for colicky babies. Oh and from a bolivian woman who cared for my son…a fever reducer created from egg whites placed in the baby’s armpits and groin area. And I know from experience how incredibly a turmeric poultice can work on skin infections. Thanks for sharing!

  • anabellah

    September 26, 2015

    @Lurker, hey there,

    About the author getting some bad publicity and the controversy surrounding her, I don’t doubt it. Whenever anyone starts talking holistic/natural remedies it gets a bad rep (reputation).

    Prescriptions, hospitals, and people being sick is big business. It’s all about the Benjamin. It’s all about money. Hospitals are about business. They want people to be sick, get numerous tests, take all types of medicines that will jack a person up far worse than what they were. It’s crazy.

    Most people go for the okie doke. They believe whatever anyone tells them. They don’t research anything. They don’t investigate anything. They just accept any ole Joe blow’s word for it. One can see it on the internet. A person could say stay away from the x,y,z blog because of this or that reason. Another person will say oh really. I didn’t know it. Thanks for telling me. It’s all she or he had to hear. The person doesn’t check into it or anything. The person is a jack @$$. Many people are complete @$$ holes. They have a brain that they don’t use.

  • lurker

    September 26, 2015

    you may see some bad publicity about her as well, as anyone controversial gets, but i tell you that the raw garlic DOES indeed work to clear your head. i encourage anyone to give it a try.

  • lurker

    September 26, 2015

    google Judy Slome Cohain, midwife. she has an awesome book on amazon too, about childbirth, etc. :)

  • lurker

    September 26, 2015

    @ummof4, that is a good question! i asked the midwife where I found this info, and she said that you can also place a cut clove in your nose for an hour, and it does the same thing. If i did that, i would put a string thru it and do it. But i prefer the other way because it works just as well. If you eat it raw, it will help too, but not nearly as much because of the acids in your mouth and stomach. Also, cooked garlic does not have the same effect. The garlic pills, I am not sure, and they cost a lot more than a small clove of garlic, so I have not tried them. If anyone tries it, let me know! i only know of one other person who tried it, and she said exactly the same as i did, “it was like a miracle!” :)

  • ummof4

    September 26, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Heart, may you have a successful marriage.

    Lurker, where would a male place the garlic?

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2015

    @Heart,

    Hear! Hear! Well said, Heart. Thank you much for your inspirational words of knowledge. Flashing Yeah

    Let’s us know how it goes. R U going to be married? Yeah!!!! There’s going to be a wedding…

  • Heart

    September 25, 2015

    @ Ana

    I agree… Allah loves the righteous.

    A successful marriage whether monogamous or polygamous is one where the spouses inspire and encourage each other on a daily basis to increase ones love of Allah, pray, read Qur’an, zikr and to do good together.

    That is a true successful marriage making monogamy or polygamy rather irrelevant.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2015

    @Heart,

    I see you’ve done your homework. You’ve contemplated marrying a man who already has a wife. You’ve weighed the pros and cons. You’ve read information here on the blog. You have a good idea of what being in a polygamous marriage is all about. With it all said, I think if you have a proposal and you’d like to marry the man go for it.

    The mere fact that Allah allows polygamy is good enough. Forget the pro’s and cons. Consult with your potential husband about what the particulars will be, such as finances, the schedule etc, as far as you both can see, as we know Allah is the Best of Planners. Make sure he will inform his wife about you and you will not be a secret. Make sure he tells her before the marriage and not make a promise to tell her eventually. Don’t expect any approval from your friends and family. You don’t need it and you most likely wouldn’t get it anyhow. Don’t look at yourself as being a second wife. See yourself as a wife, her equal. The only thing that would make the difference between you and her would be righteousness. The one who is the most righteous is the better wife; that is it.

  • lurker

    September 25, 2015

    gail, take a piece of raw garlic, cut it in half and also (make some small slits to it) and put it up inside your vagina, this is for real, leave it there for overnight, you will taste garlic in ur mouth within 30 seconds, so do it while you sleep, then take it out the next morning…it only takes one hour and your head will be clear. truly, it is like a miracle…no side effects…you can easily retrieve it the next day…there is no where it can disappear to, but if you are worried, you can thread it through with a string like a tampon. it must be raw, and you must make small slits to let the juice escape. your head will be clear in one hour. it also clears colds. gail i know you are open minded enough to try it! :)
    here is a link to other uses holisticsquid.com/alternative-treatment-for-gbs/

  • Heart

    September 25, 2015

    My mind says to me:

    Allah allows polygamous marriages, there has to be good in it.

    Our minds have been conditioned to see it as wrong and society likes to compare the second wife to a mistress.

    Nothing in the western world works anyway. It’s a sad state of affairs.

    Just google world population and its clear, us woman outnumber men crazily.

    So that’s sad for lots of woman who may never find life partners.

    Ive decided to embrace being a second wife. I couldn’t care less about what anyone will think. Those judging people aren’t around anyway to help you.

    It might be difficult at first with possible angry confrontations from the first wife but those will pass by with no comment and no response from me.

    If Allah allows this for me. I will just pray for his blessings and help and that would be all that I need.

  • Gail

    September 25, 2015

    Coco,

    I could KISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS You right now seriouslyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

    I actually had some Black Cumin seeds that my MIL brought from Pakistani and I took about a teaspoon full.About 30 minutes after I took the seeds my stomach pain was gone YES gone!!! That was like 10 hours ago and I still feel great even to the point of getting up and fixing myself some eggs and toast!!
    I am going to take more as I have done some reading on this and WOW is all I can say right now.Just the iron content in the seeds alone is like 33% RDA so heck yeah is all I can say right now.Seriously thank u so much for mentioning that to me.I will be buying the pill form as well for easy swallowing.I also read it is great for sinuses.I have inner ear problems from sinus and allergies and today my sinuses feel so much better.I am so excited u mentioned this.THANK YOU Soooooo MUCH!!

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Ana,

    U sure don’t know Pakistani people very well Oh myyyy !! lol
    They put dang some crap in peoples teas and drinks and it will give them a very bad case of the $hits and I am not talking a mild case I mean serious serious $hits and they do this to get people back that P!ssed them off or they might do is just for $h!ts and giggles seriously!! Believe me I am not 100% my own husband did not do that to me a few times himself in the past.Make me sick and then tell me to rest while he goes off with cowife or to see her or just out with doing his own thing.
    U think I am teasing I am not.

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am feb 3 sooo cool we r the same month and sign.
    Listen when he lies and u know it just don’t call him out on it is my best advice.I used to call my husband out and I seen he would get angry welllll I figured out that I was the Idiot always calling him out because a liar,cheat.thief,whore don’t like being called out.If he wanted to tell u the truth he would have.NOWWW in saying that it don’t mean u have to believe what the liar says understand (just don’t waste your breath calling him out on it if u want to keep the peace if u know what I mean because a liar knows he is a liar he don’t have to be told is what I figured out) if and when he decides to change it has to come from within him so no matter how much u say hey lying piece of crap I KNOW U R LYING yeah it don’t help from my experience just pisses them off more so why bother.
    I agree with whoever said your MIL is calling second and having her call u to annoy the crap out of u.Pakistani MILs are crazy like that and I could totally see where she would putting your cowife up to do that very easy.Obviously cowife would want u gone as well so cowife is thinking dear old MIL is on her side helping her OH lord have mercy lol Everytime I think about those people and that culture it makes me want to head running to the hills screaming!

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    @Gail,

    I tend to think that you and coco are right when it comes to you having been poisoned. If you are absolutely sure it occurred, it would make sense that it’s taking its toll on you in the stomach area. I only question that it occurred because I can’t imagine and believe a person could do such a thing to another human. Don’t get me wrong. I know it happens. It just blows my mind that it does. There are some very, very sick people out there. They don’t care what they do to other people to hurt them. I thank Allah much that He didn’t create me that way. It’s a horrible, hateful, ugly, nasty person that could do such a thing. They will pay for what they’ve done. They probably don’t have enough sense to know that they’ve done a wrong. Allah says that Satan has made their sinful deeds fair seeming, meaning the people don’t see anything wrong in the sinful acts that they do. Its why they do it and keep doing it. They are a bunch of sick, low life, whack jobs.

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Coco,

    I forgot to mention my marriage.I really am ok with it.I am trying not to see it as a personal attack against me even though I know it is.I just don’t understand when I have tried to be a the best wife and mother my life has turned out this way.I am perplexed in that regard.I worked out my bitter and anger a few yrs back for the most part i guess.
    I just see it as knowone is perfect and life keeps moving.It’s ok I will deal it as i have dealt everything else in my life.Right now I just really want my stomach healthy again.

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Coco,

    Thank You for telling me about the black cumin seeds I will sure order some for certain and try it.
    How is all going with your fiance and your plans.I am thinking his wife must be close to having her baby by now if I am thinking correct.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I believe that people born in the same month many times have similar characteristics and traits. You could probably tell a lot about your co just by knowing yourself. It’s way cool

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Oh, okay, I get the humor in grandma’s candles. Knowing the story behind it is important to get the humor LOL

    What M did is known to happen when men have got two or more wives. They get messages going to one that is not intended for her and calls to one thinking he’s calling another. It’s funny because they get caught out there. No one can conceal what Allah wants revealed and no one can reveal what Allah wants concealed. The husbands then have to fess up (confess) or lie about it.

    You called him on it and I don’t see any wrong in it. After all, he’s the one who erred. You could communicate with him about it. It would be different if you initiated a problem, which you didn’t do. Just because he says something doesn’t mean you have to believe him. I go with what Allah says. Those who trust put their trust in Him. I not one to go about trusting my husband or anyone else just because of who the person is. A husband lies just like anyone else.

    Just be careful not to fall into a rut of being suspicious all the time, as Allah says that some suspicion is a sin.

    Everyone is just feeling their way around in polygamous marriages. It’s a learn as one goes, type of situation LOL

    Happy Belated Birthday!!!! to you! Birthday diet

  • Mari2

    September 24, 2015

    Oh and as for birth months…M’s mom born 9/10, number 2 born on 9/14, and me born on 9/22. 3 women in his life born the same month. And him? February 2.

  • Mari2

    September 24, 2015

    @Ana..the reason why we love the candle for gma is because since she turned 70 years old that was her constant lament. “I’m old you know…” was and is her constant refrain. She always focused on her age with humor.

    As for M. I just don’t know what to think or say. Just today he accidentally contacted me via viber when he meant to contact 2. He tried to play it off like he was trying to contact his younger sister. But by experience I know that not to be true. And I called him on it. But why should I have to? I feel like a hall monitor. I don’t like that. But the alternative is to believe what he tells me.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    Oh, coco, you said to Gail, “I read somewhere recently that Aquarians by nature repress their feelings and pain and as a result their body takes the beating for holding everything in while keeping a strong and brave face for their loved ones. You’re going to be fine inshAllah just hold on to those beautiful aspirations, thoughts and positivity”

    I agree with you. I’m not Aquarius. My birth sign is Cancer. Nonetheless, I believe that a person harms him or herself when she bottles her emotions up inside. That stuff has to come out. It manifests itself through illness. I mentioned before that I had read in a holistic book that women bleed because they don’t cry. They keep everything inside and it come out in the form of blood. It is way interesting.

    I think putting one’s faith and trust in Allah, knowing He takes care of us, provides, guides and protects us frees us from illnesses. Now, don’t get me wrong, having an illness is one way for Allah to seize our souls, as well, as we all must go back to Him. We could go from an illness, an accident, murder or in our sleep etc. Illness is a way to turn a person to Allah, as well.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    @Coco,

    There you are. Wa Alaikum As Salaam and a Happy Eid Mubarak to you, my dear sister-in-faith. I’m so happy to hear from you. I missed you sooooo much. I think about you often, more than you know. I know you are very busy and come to see us when you can. I appreciate it. You bring sunshine with you. You are very kind with your inspirational uplifting words always touch my heart.

    Coco, about me not being able to vent, Allah is keeping my life full of the love, peace and contentment that you spoke of. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s what I have been trying to relay on this blog to everyone – that Allah’s promises are true. He says when we obey Him and worship Him as He commands, He gives us comfort and ease. I can testify to it. Allah made the change in the blog at a perfect time. He is Perfect, so what else could I expect?

    There is nothing that happened or is happening between my husband and I that is worth talking about on the blog that wouldn’t amount to boasting and bragging. I did enough of the two on the older blog that was hurtful to my soul. Nonetheless, I did what I had to do with regard to recognizing how wrong it was. I’ve repented, and asked Allah to forgive me and have mercy on me for the wrong that I did. Every now and again, everyone may get a brag and a boast from me here, but over all I’ve come a long way in improving in that department.

    All is status quo on my end. The hubs is doing very, very, well on his job. They’ve got him traveling quite a bit to another country and to other States in the U.S. If I were to talk about him and me, the only thing I’d have to say would be about the same ole, same ole that I used to talk about such as, the many vacations that he and I take (now I take my phone and laptop with me when on those) and the social affairs that he and I attend from time to time with his co-workers/acquaintances. We attended his nieces fabulous, fairy-tale type wedding in May this year (his and my anniversary month) in which my hubz gave her away. Businesses I’m involved in are booming. I have other people doing the work. I stay leisurely busy. I spend more time with my mom now who just retired the first of the year. Other than it, it’s all He wrote to speak of right now. My hubz has always been an easy going, peaceful person with a lot of patience. I wouldn’t trade him in for all the tea in China. I keep him in perspective when it come to love. Allah swt always comes first. I’ll just stop there, as it really amounts to tooting my own horn and going back to sinning against my own soul by gloating.

    The thing that has been most bothersome to me is how people on the internet could be so envious, hateful, slanderous, and evil. I swear they must want to be me. They eat, sleep and drink me, so to speak. They make up stuff in their heads about me and wonder and imagine things about me and what I do. It’s a sickness that they have. I can’t understand how those people get so wrapped up in me and I’m not a part of their lives. Allah agonizes them through me.

    The other thing that bothers me, which I’m just now beginning to somewhat get over is how many people out there are blind to the Truth (of Allah/Islam). I vent to my wali about those things that bothers me such as the two I’ve mentioned. He is a good man, because he’s very patient in listening to me. He knows His Islam and is there for me. He’s a wise soul and keeps me on my toes.

    He reminds me that Allah created everyone the way that He wanted them to be. The ones out there creating mischief in the land, and wanting to cause problems for others are doing what Allah has written for them to do. The very things that they do will lead them to the Hell Fire for which He created them. They will be fuel for the Fire; therefore, they must do things that will take them there. It’s heavy.

    Coco, I totally understand how you felt no animosity or ill will towards the other for having a baby. It’s amazing how there were times in my life that before something happened, I though I’d be very hurt and upset by it, only to find that it didn’t bother me at all. I was at peace with it. It was because I kept turning to Allah and requesting that he make it easy for me. Thank you for sharing with us about the little one. I know exactly what you felt. It’s wonderful that you can talk about the beautiful little creation with such joy in your heart. You rock!

    You are a sweetheart. If there comes a time that I think I need to reach out to vent about something personal, I will, Insha Allah, come bend your ear about it. I will definitely email you, my dear Sis. I will keep you in my prayers. It’s such a wonderful thing to have awaken to your post. I was happy to read sweet, dear alison’s post, as well. She’s a darling :-)

  • Alison

    September 24, 2015

    Eid Mubarak hope all is well on this day sad about the stampede in hajj but may Allah grant them janat…

    Wow coco thanks to have you stop by and mabruk on your lovely boy may Allah guide him

    I can’t beat your long mail for sure so I bow out :)

  • coco

    September 24, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and BIG hello to all the lovely beings here!
    First and foremost EID Al ADHA MUBARAK to all my sisters and a heartwarming welcome to the newbies here. ☺️

    Ana
    It’s definitely been a while I just haven’t been able to find some time to write in lately and you know how I hate rushing my posts hehe I was thinking it must be really testing at times not being able to vent about what’s happening with you in life yet you have provided many woman a platform to seek knowledge increase takwah and most importantly FACE the music. I just hope you know it’s not going wasted. Ummm things are sound on my end Alhumdulilah The baby finally arrived a few weeks ago and he is absolutely beautiful he has the most chubby cute fingers I’ve ever seen on a baby mashAllah yeah yeah I have a thing for hands lol I imagined myself feeling immense pain when the time came I am human after all but Alhumdulilah Allah had mercy on me. Sister I am always an email away (which I may not get to for days) lol but I’m there… I pray that Allah keeps your life filled with love peace and contentment inshAllah Please do keep me in your duas sister I’ve been facing some tests in other avenues of life may Allah resolve the calamities we all are facing xo ❤️

    Mari2
    Well I’m glad MIL is out of the house Alhumdulilah for that it’s also pleasant to know you are at a better place and are getting time with your husband. You have a very patient and sensible demeanour just know that every single call, text or bazillion stickers coming on his phone from 2 when he’s on your time is because she’s unsettled knowing he’s with you at that very moment. If your MIL knows how to make and receive phone calls don’t you think she tells her to blast his phone when she feels he may be with you to irritate you? And I know you probably don’t say anything to M to rise above in the situation but he needs to silence his phone or set her straight sometime soon as Ana said if there were to be any emergency there’s nothing he can do in regards to such instances so he needs to man up and tell her it’s his time with you or just simply ignore her. I agree how you’d rather not see him at all if he’s gonna be entertaining her pettiness. But this is the time to set limits between you two it’s the best time to press such matters as he knows you mean business you’re not playing at all. If he doesn’t want you contacting 2 then he NEEDS to give something in return as little as she not contact him in the little time you both share. Or you have Ana’s idea that I oh so loved just blast her phone and call her till she steps back. That’s a brilliant idea that would do wonders hahahaha I’m sure he sees it’s not easy for you to push him away but take advantage of the little state of vulnerability he may be in and set boundaries. Stay strong love xo ❤️

    Gail
    Ohh I’m really saddened to know your marriage seems done and over with. You seem like the type of person to give it your ALL beyond ordinary limits you should take a bow you did extraordinarily well. Know that! It’s really his loss what he’s letting loose (you & the kids) to hold his parents close by this is going to haunt him in the long run. When they’re gone all he will have left is 4 empty walls mocking his stupidity. And you inshAllah will have your grown up cultured kids embracing you while you vicariously live through their achievements. I see such a beautiful life ahead of you inshAllah. As for your health issues I’m sorry you have and had to go through so much. I agree much of these issues seem stress related and the poisoning sure didn’t do any good on your stomach. I read somewhere recently that Aquarians by nature repress their feelings and pain and as a result their body takes the beating for holding everything in while keeping a strong and brave face for their loved ones. You’re going to be fine inshAllah just hold on to those beautiful aspirations, thoughts and positivity. A little thing you may want to try as therapy is nigella sativa seeds. It is popular from Prophet Mohammed’s time and known to cure every disease except death. Usually people swallow 7 seeds in the morning with water first thing in the morning you may wanna give it a try or google it there’s no harm. Stay strong my lovely you shall prevail in the end! xo ❤️

    Alison
    I’m glad to know that you’re doing well taking a sudden shift from monogamy to polygamy yet again hehe I so get how strenuous unpredictability can be for a person who is a planner by nature but I guess that’s Allah’s way of reminding us that he’s the ultimate planner after all. C’est la vie right! ❤️ xo

    “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean, in a drop.”
    Rumi
    Much love always…☺️

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Ana,

    Exactly my thoughts.If some crazy woman wants that thangg!! She is welcome to it!! lol

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2015

    Gail,

    Don’t sweat it. You know what whoever ends up getting him (if anyone) will get. It’s no great loss. LOL It’s good that you don’t care anymore. Life is too short for it.

  • Gail

    September 24, 2015

    Mari2,

    I went back and searched your post and seen that u were talking about your cowife calling and texting all the time that stinks.My husband is cheating around and chatting with with someone online.I really don’t care anymore though

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2015

    @Mari2,

    To the best of your knowledge, does 2 know that you and M are still married OR did he tell her that he divorced you and moved out with his mom? It would make sense why he allows her to call any time she feels like it and you are not to contact her under any condition or circumstance.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2015

    @Mari2,

    That some crazy stuff Crazy Sign You’re a good obedient wife. I don’t take orders like it.

    If he gives you orders, what seems to be his problem that he can’t give her some? Knowing me, when she calls, during my time, she’d get a call from me right then and there. When she stops calling, it’s when I’d stop calling. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Who the freak is she, that you aren’t permitted to call her? Sigh

  • Mari2

    September 22, 2015

    @Ana
    I am not permitted to talk to 2. Ever. Per husband.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2015

    Mari2,

    It sounds awful to me. What happened to doing things and saying things that make a person feel good. The woman (your grandma) is on her way out for sure sooner than later. Does your sister think your grandma has Alzheimer and forgot her age? Well, I guess your sister is entitled to her own sense of humor

  • Mari2

    September 22, 2015

    My sister just informed me that she found “Shit you’re old” candles for my grandmother’s 100th birthday cake.

  • anabellah

    September 22, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I get what you are saying about the communication problem. From what I remember you saying, your hubz works A LOT. She has plenty of time to speak with him when he is not with you. I don’t think you are asking a lot for him to put the phone on vibrate and check it later or leave it in the car. She is in Pakistan. It’s not as though she may have an accident and he has to rush to the hospital. He can’t jump in his car and get to her in a flash. If something happens to her, it would take some time for him to get there, regardless of what. He doesn’t have a personal plane.

    There is no urgency for her to need to disturb you when you are with him. Your time with him is very limited and valuable. It sounds that she intentionally wants to disrupt your time. Have you considered calling her and giving her a good talking to? She is quite young. Maybe she needs a scolding. It’s amazing he feel the need to be at her beck and call. I knows it’s way annoying. If he doesn’t stop, you may have to learn to live with it. Otherwise, you and he will constantly be at odds with each other about it. She’d be accomplishing her mission; although she will account for it with her Lord. If you don’t let it go and he doesn’t change, in time it may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back (causing an end to the marriage).

  • Mari2

    September 22, 2015

    @Heart
    Thank you for your advice. I am not jealous at this point but just get fed up with M’s behavior and do not choose to be a part. Satan may cause jealousy, but I believe when Allah strengths ones heart, the person reacts not with jealousy but with a desire not to be involved in the subterfuge. A sort of “umm..ok. You can leave now. You annoy me” attitude. I cannot dredge up anger. Just dismissal. I cannot even fake tears. Just sighs and eye rolling and a bismallah for him. I feel myself needing and desiring his approval less and less each day as my desire for HIM increases.
    By the grace of Allah I no longer must endure the MIL and her constant interruptions of our conversations with discussion of 2 or sister etc. M and I are back to our 2 or 3 day visitations without need of MIL presence. We are free to be as we were, and are intended to be. But…if he can’t still lay down some communication time line with 2, then he either needs to leave the phone in the car, or just not come here at all. That’s all I am saying. I give her ample time for communication without interruptions. If neither of them are capable of following a communication schedule per my time with M, then just leave.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @Heart,

    I love the prayer you put in the post. You said, “I pray that Allah guides us always and helps us to identify those whispers and grants us the ability to ask for forgiveness and forgives us.” It’s a blessing if a person could recognize the emotion and nip it right in the bud. As you said, it’s all part of remembering Allah and seeking His help from the whispers of Satan.

  • anabellah

    September 21, 2015

    @Heart,

    I’d imagine it would be extremely difficult waiting for him to let you know where the marriage is going. Could you ask him, if he could expedite it? Insha Allah, let him know that it’s making you very anxious to wait. If he can’t, then it’s okay, as well. It can’t hurt to ask though.

    If you think you’d like to remain in the marriage, let him know it, as well. Don’t let pride get in the way. I can’t remember your story right now, off the top of my head. There have been so many commentators, it seems like everyone’s stories are beginning to blend in, making me bonkers LOL

  • Heart

    September 21, 2015

    @Ana
    I just realised that I’ve experienced a lot of jealousy from both men and woman in my life time.

    Once again I believe that someone who intentionally tries to make another jealous is insecure and immature comparable to almost a weakness of mind.

    I believe that all of us feel jealousy at some point in our lives… Satan’s little whispers… some of us identify it and ask for forgiveness…

    The worst in my view is those who entertain it in their mind and actually as a result of it… insult, belittle or degrade the person the feel jealous about….. they in actual fact manifest. Their jealousy…… I believe that this isthe most evil forms of jealousy… ive had a few experience where I saw people lower themselves to these levels due to jealousy ugly manifestation.

    I pray that Allah guides us always and helps us to identify those whispers and grants us the ability to ask for forgiveness and forgives us.

    As to where Polygamy is concerned… it probably in some marriages contains all forms and in others it can be just a mere educated husband on the boundaries of his words which can make all the difference.

  • Heart

    September 21, 2015

    @Ana

    I am still waiting for his decision as to what he wants to do. We set an exact date which is two months from now for him to confirm.

    I’ve noticed that being in the grey area of the known and the unknown is not working for me well.

    The waiting for his final decision is giving me stress and anxiety as my life is literally on hold and I wonder why did I give him so much time to think. Although his reasoning is valid in that he wants to sort things out first.

    It almost feels like this unknown period is harder than actually getting it done, any 1st wife tantrums, etc

    I pray that Allah grants me more patience and removes all the anxiety I feel over this situation and that it is speedily resolved so that I know my direction. And that this is best for me.

    InshaAllah

  • Heart

    September 21, 2015

    Trying to make someone jealous is high school, teenage, immature.
    It’s a sign of insecurity as a person.

    I was the only wife of my ex husband and he used to do that often… years later I realised he was just way too immature for me.

    @Mari2
    It’s important to be your husband’s best friend. Cultivate it everyday…with humor, laughter, love… a best friend… true best friends never seek to hurt the other… Tell him in a loving way how much you love him and how you would prefer that your time with him is special and also that you would prefer no discussion of number 2…
    As a woman I know that the hardest part in these relationships is jealousy but even more so the idea that a husband is not being fair… almost unjust… that wud kill me…
    again something as small as a ring could stir those feelings… Tell him gently that you do not want to know about anything that he buys her and that you trust that he is fair.
    Correct him gently every now and then if he mentions no 2.
    Over and above all, one of Ana’s articles hits home for me… worry less about polygamy and direct all your love to Allah and remember hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah

  • anabellah

    September 20, 2015

    @Mari2,

    The whole spouse trying to make the other jealous is interesting. I’ve known it to happen, but I never gave it any thought in depth until you mentioned it. I think we’ve all tried to make someone jealous at some time or another in our lives. I try earnestly not to do it, but sometimes it happens.

    I’d like to know more about the emotion of jealousy. I think it’s Satan at work. He wants to keep people upset and he uses other people to do it, as well. He whispers to a person to say something that would upset another and incite jealousy in the person. The person who does it is being devious and causing problems. The other person gets jealous and is hurt. The jealous person may act out and hurt another – sometimes the hurt is serious and sometimes deadly Wow. It’s serious. You’ve really got me thinking.

    Mari2, try not to concern yourself so much about the other encroaching upon your time with the phone calls and text. Just imagine the agony she’s going through in doing it. It very sad :-( No good will come to her from it. You’re doing so good. You are a strong lady. Just imagine how good it would feel to ignore his other’s shenanigans. Pretty soon you’ll be like Teflon Don where nothing will stick to you. You’ll be Teflon awesome Mari2. It does sound that your hubz was trying to get a rise out of you in letting you know indirectly that he’s going to buy the other a ring (if it is in fact, what he intends to do). I think people get some type of sick pleasure out of making others emotional. It’s heavy.

    Mari2, I’m learning so much about myself and I’m soooo happy. I want Allah to purify my heart. I see so much that I want to change and make better. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to see what one doesn’t like in oneself and set out on a mission to change it. It’s a wonderful feeling.

  • Mari2

    September 20, 2015

    @Ana
    Good piece. I agree that a focus on Allah consistently can help alleviate jealousy. But sometimes I think M deliberately conjures up jealousy in me for his own ego benefit. Some people just get a kick out of the entire “people fighting over me” scenario. Or perhaps M is just stupid or obtuse or both. Only Allah knows. I prayed hard for many months for Allah to help me with my jealously issues which were exacerbated by MIL constantly talking about 2 in my presence, 2 constantly calling and texting during my few hours per day with M, etc. Who knew that asking M and MIL to leave would give me such peace of mind? Allah apparently.

    M decided to take me to lunch yesterday. That’s a splurge for him and I was happy he offered. Having a nice time when 2 decided to send a million and a half texts and stickers, and his mom called 2 times to ask when he would be home and what was he doing. I was not jealous so much as annoyed and told M so. I said that if he could not separate himself from the needy women in his life by ummm..leaving cell in the car, then I would have no choice but to NOT waste my time.

    Today M at my house and said he wanted to buy a ring for his sis but his sis wasn’t sure of her ring size. According to M, his sis wants a ring that is the same size as the one I bought 2 as a wedding gift. Since I know M isn’t the type to buy sis a ring, I said “What?! There’s nary a ring sizer in the whole of Pakistan? If you are going to buy 2 a ring then just do it. I do not care. But unless you will involve her in buying me one as well,leave me out of it.”

    Sheesh! Some men just don’t make things easy.

  • anabellah

    September 18, 2015

    @Heart,

    It’s excellent advice that you gave. I agree wholeheartedly with you that communication is extremely important and that a wife needs to communicate with her husband about what triggers the jealousy. Many people think that others should be mind readers or they should just know without the other having to tell him or her. It’s not the way it works though. What we take as common sense or “it goes without saying” isn’t the way it is many times.

    I agree that if a man really loves a woman and cares enough about what she’s going through, he’d listen and take heed to what she says. He knows it would make his and her life better. It may have to be said to him more than once, but he’ll get it eventually, Insha Allah. Most men want to avoid a heated altercation.

    I think you made a very good suggestion. You suggested that a wife notes (write it down) when she is jealous and what triggered it.

    Your post is very helpful. It’s the kind of post that makes a difference. Thank you!

  • Heart

    September 18, 2015

    @Ana

    Excellent article

    I think its important to identify what is the cause of jealousy first… maybe write down every time something makes you jealous.

    In most cases it will be linked to something said. It’s important to communicate with your husband and tell him:

    I would like to have an honest relationship. When you do this or say this it makes me very jealous. I would prefer that you don’t do that.

    I agree that a woman should love Allah over and above anyone and that she should realise that a human being can disappoint her through action and words.

    Communication is an extremely important tool and if a man really does love you and respect you, he will understand what to avoid.

    Emotional maturity of a man is so important.

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Gail,

    You do have wonderful kids who love you much. You show them good love. I’m so happy for you that you have them there with you. You’re a strong lady and a good mom. Everything will be alright. Just keep doing what you’re doing and stay in an optimistic, positive frame of mind. It’s all good…

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’m telling you. I don’t like most doctors. I haven’t had the best experience with them. A lot of them are jackasses. Anytime one told me that I needed something removed, they said it may grow back. I said, well leave it there then. Unless it’s something minor, I don’t listen to doctors. Doctors have told me that I needed to have this, that and the other procedure done. I just ignore them and do my research. I then try holistically, to fix what is wrong, if I think it’s important. When it comes to cutting me open – no can do. My gynecologist and primary physicians give me prescriptions all the time for tests. I throw them in a folder. Don’t get me wrong. Some procedures and surgeries are necessary. I’m just one to not put to much credence in doctors. I’ve ignore them for years and I am still alive and kicking. On the other hand, what you’re dealing with is important and you are doing the right thing.

    You’re smart to do your research on what he said is wrong and not take his word for it. Many people think of doctors as though doctors are some type of god. Doctors make mistake,s and don’t know what they’re talking about sometimes the same as anyone else. Know what you’ve got and what your options are. Good for you!!!

  • Gail

    September 17, 2015

    Ana,

    Oh as far as my husband I could careless anymore.It is about me right now and taking care of myself and getting healthy again.He will move on with his life with his family and that is fine with me.I just want peace in my life and to raise my kids in peace.Thanks for being here for me today to vent.It is kinda terrible having surgery and not having anyone around to care about u.
    Your right obviously it does hurt knowing he could care less if I am ok and leaving the kids knowing i am in pain and can’t take care of them but thanks G.D they are big enough and I thought ahead to grab food for them.My daughter has been bringing me cranberry juice all day.If it wasn’t for my kids i think I would just be at a loss.They r the best thing in my life.I might have got a crappy husband but I got great kids!!!

  • Gail

    September 17, 2015

    Ana,

    I am looking up my diagnoses the doc wrote down.It seems I have gastroparesis which means my stomach is partially or fully paralyzed.I am watching youtube videos and this looks horrible.I am kinda shocked he did not explain it to me in person.I go back on the 29th.Strangely though I knew I had this problem because i could tell my food was getting stuck.I can just feel it but now I have a diagnoses so hopefully I can figure out how to manage this crazy illness.

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Gail,

    It sounds to me that you’re going to have to wait to get inspiration as to what to do. There may come a time when you will have to do as you said. You may have to leave him and enjoy yourself with the kids just so you and the kids could have peace. You need to be in a peaceful environment. You and the kids don’t need to be tense all the time. His dad goes into his room. You hubz come in, gets cash and leave. I’m sure it’s hurtful to your heart. You may have to end this thing just for your sanity. When you’ve had enough and must make that move you’ll know it without anyone having to tell you to do it and without you having to question yourself about whether you should or not. When you’re wishy washy and not sure, it’s not time. It seems that the time is near though. Allah knows best.

  • Gail

    September 17, 2015

    Ana,

    Yes I know but I believe life gives u options or paths all the time and that was one path I should have went down.I miss him terribly.He was a good friend to me when I needed one the most.
    My husband just dumped me off and left with his dad.He came back to grab his cash and ask me how I was feeling.I told him straight my stomach is hurting and i am in pretty bad pain.He said do u want me to stay or go I could tell he was being an A$$ so I told him to just go and out the door he ran in 1 second.I hope someday when he becomes ill I will get the chance to pay him back for all his freaking kindness towards me.
    I am trying to look at the bright side that hopefully i will not need further surgeries and me having to need him to take me anywhere is done and over.
    I should mention he only asked me how I was feeling because I woke up and saw him standing there.

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    You kind of just have to let it play out one day at a time. Not knowing what direction you’re going in and where your marriage is headed has to be crazy frustrating. We can’t always figure things out. We just have to let things naturally progress. Deal the blows and punches of life when they come. We can’t always anticipate them. One thing for certain, if you stay in the figuring out in advance mode, it will only cause you anxiety. Stress and anxiety can’t reap any good benefits. It will work your nerves and destroy your health. You’re working on getting your health right. Don’t counter it with negativity.

    You need to let go of the thoughts of your ex. It’s living in the head and imagery. You’re imagining how things would have been with you and him. It’s not a reality. Keep it real…

  • Gail

    September 17, 2015

    Ana,

    Oh we both know the problems.He wants that I allow his parents to live with us and teach the kids to be like servants the exact same like he is doing.I have met him halfway for the last 6 yrs while his parents lived with us thinking eventually this problem would go away well it never did and he has zero intentions to ever meet me half way he is a B@stard for lack of a better word.It really has come down to either I put up with his $h!t or tell him to take a flying leap which I have.
    Look Ana he is not honest,loyal,….. nothing he is a liar and a cheat and I hate him at this point in my life to be honest.
    I believe he is cheating on me yet again.I don’t love him enough to even care anymore.I did wrong not to go with my first love when I had the chance and G>D knows I live with that regret.He is the only person that I believe ever really deeply cared for me and I pushed him away.I am just so over this marriage.
    I will not pursue divorce because of the kids but if he pushes me very much then I might change my mind.

  • anabellah

    September 17, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s really weird. Maybe you should try talking to him – like a real sit down, quietly to see where things are and where they are going. I dunno. You’re good. Knowing me, I’d explode on my husband, if I didn’t know what the heck was going on and it involved and impacted me. I’d let the crazy loose in me. He’d start talkin then. LOL

    There seems to be lack of communication between you and him. You both aren’t letting each other know what’s eating at you or you let each other know and neither of you hear the other, as you’re too busy trying to get your point across. You can’t listen when you’re constantly thinking of what you want to say when the other shuts up. Maybe you need to be proactive. If you both wait for the other to initiate the fix, it may not happen except in divorce court.

  • Gail

    September 16, 2015

    Ana,
    He has not said a word to me since he got home.Then he decides to sleep and ask me very nicely if I set the clock to get up in the morning for surgery.
    I don’t know he is just creeping me out all the while his dad is staying in his room and acts like a complete A$$.I am so ready for this to be over.

  • anabellah

    September 16, 2015

    @Gail,

    You are way smart! Don’t let your guard down. You know him better than anyone else. Who knows what he’s scheming . It’s possible he was nice to you yesterday, thinking you may go to the hearing and try to interfere with his dad’s citizenship, or something. Allah knows best! I think I would be creeped out too, not knowing what someone is up to and the person is that close to you. It’s like “Sleeping with the enemy”. It was a good movie with Julia Roberts.

  • Gail

    September 16, 2015

    Ana,

    For certain it is something all right! He and his dad went to Kansas city for his dads swearing in for citizenship.Well obviously I refused to go.I don’t want to go through divorce tell my story to a judge and then him pop up and say I did not have a problem and went to his dads swearing in etc..No thanks will be guarding myself very close now.Besides he said so many hurtful things to me I wouldn’t do anything for him right now.
    I am just waiting for his crazy A$$ to come home and tell me he will not be taking me for my upper GI in the morning.Lets see.He is getting to where he creeps me out to be honest.

  • Alison

    September 16, 2015

    Ammeen and alhamdulilah grateful for a lot of things. Yeah sad what is happening and we should remember them in our prayers

  • anabellah

    September 16, 2015

    @Alison,

    I’m happy that you are okay with the schedule :-) You’re doing really good. It’s what works for the parties involved, anyhow. What is good for one may not work for the other and vice versa. As you stated, it works well for the children, as well.

    Just see it as a test, Alison, which it very well may be. I don’t know if you’ve been following the migrant crises. If you have, you’d realize we have very much to be thankful for. I certainly do. Reading the stories in the News have impacted me and the way I think. There are a lot of misplaced Muslims and many drowning. Many are dying from trying to find asylum in European countries. I understand the U.S is expected to take in 10,000. Syrians. When Muslims were following the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when He was on earth, life for Muslim was good at one time. Life for many Muslims isn’t good today. People who call themselves Muslim failed to follow the Book (the Quran) that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left us after he left the earth. Look at them now.

    Anyhow, stay strong, keep doing your part in worshiping Allah. Continue to accept His decisions and all will be good for you. You’ve got it better than your co. At least you have us, a blog family. It could be a blessing.

    I totally understand the adjustment you have to make with the on again, off again schedule, unexpectedly placed on you. I pray Allah is well pleased with you for your strength and fortitude that He has blessed you with.

  • Alison

    September 16, 2015

    Hi Anna and Gail thanks so much for the comments now over a year when they fight he stays with me for months then boom out of the blue we start one night each. He says since they are two young kids between us it’s good to see both I don’t mind that what drives me mad is that unpredictable monogamy to polygamy. I am a planner by nature so I hate this short notices and all

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    Gail,

    I know. The clip was crazy funny. I couldn’t help myself. I had to post it. May Allah forgive me, if I’ve done anything wrong.

    Gail, you husband is probably just going through male menopause LOL

  • Gail

    September 15, 2015

    Ana,
    That clip was funny with Chris Rock!
    I don’t know what m husbands deal is but tonight he waltzed right back in and told me not to fix his lunches or dinners anymore and this is after kissing me today.Now what happened between 4 and 8 pm who knows.He is NUTS with a capital N!!! I told him fine if that is what he wants.All I can say is JESUS CHRIST!!!

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    @Dear Gail,

    I am really happy to hear that your husband has no intention of leaving and that you and he will remain married. It is music to my ears. Sometimes things happen in a marriage that makes the marriage stronger. Maybe it’s what has happened for you and him now. It sounds that he wants to man up by saying there will be rules. Find out what those rules are before you jump to any conclusions and reject them. God Willing, let him know that the kids being married off to cousins is a deal breaker, as well. Get off to a new fresh start. Sometimes you don’t know the value of what you have, such as a marriage, until you’re about to lose it.

    He’s trying to make amends, so meet him half way. Don’t be such a hard heart. Although there are things you dislike about the marriage, such as your in-laws being there, it’s doable. Just think. They are all here in America with you and you’re not stuck in Pakiland. God bless America – and no place else. Only kidding. Did you see that movie with Chris Rock:

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I really like what you said and how you worded it. You stated, “It is normal human nature to be jealous but u have decide if u r going to stay jealous or let it go.It is always and I mean always to your benefit if u can let it go.”

    It’s so true. Jealousy can eat away at a person and it can really ruin a relationship. The person (husband or wife) subjected to the jealousy can’t stand it and the people who see the person being jealous sees the ugliness in the person. There is no good in jealousy. As you said, the jealous person ends up the loser. I’ve seen what jealousy can do to some people. A person could go mad from it. I feel for the people who imagine their husbands or wives are cheating and they are super jealous when it’s all in the person’s head. It’s some crazy stuff.

    I think some men think it’s cute when women are jealous and fight over them. I have to ask myself what’s wrong with a man like it. He must not feel very secure in himself to want something that is causing women pain to exist so he could feel good about himself. He wants to feel good at the expense of others feeling badly. What kind of person is that?

    Gail, about you thinking you should have left the marriage long ago, you know how I think about it. You couldn’t have done anything differently. What happened and how it is all turning out was meant to be. It couldn’t have been any other way. It’s was God’s decision. It’s how I believe.

    See, people think they can just go about life making things happen the way they want, but they can’t. They don’t have the power to. Muslim who think that way are clueless. They don’t know what it means when Allah says only He has any power. Then the so called Muslims want to chop my head off because they are ignorant. It just so happens that when something goes as the person planned it, they think they made it happen in their planning. They don’t understand it was already planned by God to be that way. Do people really think that all these people out there on the planet are making bad choices?

  • anabellah

    September 15, 2015

    @Alison,

    Hey there. It’s good to hear from you, as always. I’m glad the article was written at a good time. I thought it a good topic to write about because we all have been there, done that, and will do it with jealousy. I don’t think it goes away completely in that someone never, ever experience it again. It something that will always tend to surfaces every now and again, hopefully to a lesser degree once we get ourselves right. The difference is in recognizing the emotion immediately and getting it in check.

    I was thinking the same as Gail. Wow! From the very beginning your marriage was monogamous. It then went to polygamous, then back to monogamous and then to polygamous again in not a long period of time, it’s has to be taxing on the mind. It’s rough when one begins to settle into a routine and then have it disrupted. It was a huge disruption, indeed.

    I think one night each is tough. I couldn’t imagine. With a schedule like it, you never get a chance to relax with your husband. When he’s there for a night, leaves a night and comes back a night, it’s really must feel like a revolving door. What reason did your husband give for wanting a schedule like it?

    Much love to you, Sis! Two hugging smileys

  • Gail

    September 15, 2015

    Alison,

    Wow two months of Monogamy and back to a night each that is huge difference.

    Ana,

    When I found out what my husband did with me years ago I was jealous and that jealousy turned into hatred which I have never got over.This is the one thing woman don’t really understand that being jealous will lead to hatred and other things to the point u may end up leaving your marriage.
    It is normal human nature to be jealous but u have decide if u r going to stay jealous or let it go.It is always and I mean always to your benefit if u can let it go.I have never heard anyone say oh I accomplished so much from being jealous.It is always the other way around and u will always be the looser.
    I will be the first to admit that m marriage was more than horrible but I do blame myself for not ending it and walking away years ago when I found out the truth.Instead I sat in stewed in my own misery and Jealousy.My jealousy ate at me until it nearly destroyed me mentally and physically.
    I am not just talking about my excowife because although at times I was jealous of her she was not really the cause of my jealousy in my situation it has been the inlaws but none the less in your cases it could be the cowife or something else entire.
    My husband informed me today that he is not leaving me at the first of the year but instead their are going to be new rules.Well I told him straight he can kiss it and he can follow his own darn rules alone because the kids and r are happy the way we are.
    He told me again I am two faced and a nasty person which I responded by telling him to end the conversation.
    He tried to have sexual relations with me this afternoon as well which really pissed me off and I told him to take a flying leap.He kissed me going out the door today for work.He blows my mind one minute cutting me down like I am some dog and the next trying to hump me like a dog!
    I can’t believe I was ever jealous over that NUT CASE!

  • Alison

    September 15, 2015

    Mhh how do you know that I needed that :) was in a two months monogamy which ended two days ago back to one night each such a rut…thanks for the grounding
    Hope everyone is well…Anna.Gail coco spirited Fatima and the old crew much love
    Kisses