Crazy Acting Co Wives in polygamy

crazy acting co wives in polygamyThere are crazy acting co wives in polygamy. It’s known that some wives will act inappropriately when they first find themselves in a polygamous marriage. The wives do not understand the marriage, nor do they understand why they act the way that they do.

Are the crazy acting co wives in polygamy really crazy or is it only an act? Most crazy acting co wives in polygamy are not, in fact, crazy to the point that they have psychological problems. Let’s look more closely at the topic. Why do they behave as they do?

Crazy acting co wives in polygamy are those who married their husbands in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th

Generally, it doesn’t matter what order they married in. It is not uncommon for wives in polygamous marriages to become crazy acting co wives in polygamy at some time or another. Over the years, there has been much talk here at polygamy 411 about how wives behave.

There was a writer here, for a couple of years or more, who had married her husband in the order of fourth wife. She shared a lot with us, which was very helpful. She spoke of the experiences that she had with not only one or two of her co-wives but with three of them.

There was a second wife who was here with us who was very helpful, as well. What the two said brought some of us down to earth. It gave us a reality check. A wife who married third  was here at polygamy 411, with us today, and what she wrote moved me to write this post.

Why do some women marry married men only to join the group of crazy acting co wives in polygamy?

On the older version of polygamy 411, I wrote a post on why a newcomer to a polygamous marriage falls in with the class of crazy acting co wives in polygamy. Many times when a wife joins an existing family she has not yet become emotionally invested in her husband.

In being with her husband over time, which includes intimacy, she begins to love him. Along with the love she feels for him, she begins to become possessive of him. Jealousy, envy, selfishness and rancor etc set in. She feels what any and all wives feel when in a monogamous or polygamous marriage, and her husband is with another woman whom she suspects he has feelings for.

Instead of calling co-wives who acts crazy, crazy, it would be best to speak of her behavior as being crazy

We need to understand that wives in polygamous marriages are not all that different from any woman on the planet. When she feels another woman has invaded her territory she will react. When a woman loves a man and she thinks he loves someone else, she will react.

What separates one woman from another is her belief or lack of belief in Allah who is God. No wife likes to share a husband. It doesn’t matter if some people think she signed up for it or not. Wives have to learn to subdue their base, low emotions. They need to get their emotions under control with the help and Permission of Allah.

Husbands should help crazy acting co wives in polygamy adjust to the new lifestyle

Husbands should help crazy acting co wives in polygamy get their act together. It helps when the wife has a husband or someone in her life who is knowledgeable about what she is going through. Consequently, he or she could help her get through it.

Notably, men should support and protect women (not only wives), but they are not doing a good job. They don’t know how to stand up and be the head of the household, nor do they don’t know how to get their wives in check. The husbands don’t know what’s written in the Holy Quran that is at their fingertips to help them manage their marriages.

In conclusion, going forward, let’s make our intention to not call wives crazy. No woman wants to take on the look of  a crazy acting co wives in polygamy. At least, I hope not. There is a difference between acting crazy and actually being crazy. I don’t think anyone wants to do crazy. It’s not a good look.

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86 Comments

  • Lynn

    January 25, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ana :)

    No worries you sure have a whole lot to remember my dear.

    ^Hugs*

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2015

    @Lynn, As salamu Alaikum

    Thank you so much for correcting me. My sincerest apologies for getting the info @$$ backwards.

  • Lynn

    January 25, 2015

    The commentator who you spoke of was “Lynn”. Her husband married the maid. I think Lynn is Indonesian from Indonesia, if I’m not mistaken. The maid was from Malaysia.” -Ana

    Ana I must have confused you with my story LOL. I am a Singaporean and Ms. P is an Indonesian. She was working for me for 6 years before hubby married her and put her in a nearby island Batam (one hour by ferry from Singapore).

  • Shabanah

    January 14, 2015

    Dear Ana As salaamu alaikum. So sorry to hear of your deceased sister. May Allah have mercy on her soul. Ameen.

    Laila, I’m also glad to hear your accident wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Thank Allah much. And be careful.

  • Laila

    January 13, 2015

    Dear Ana. A quick one before my early morning prayers. I know who I am, where I come from, and what exactly is my path. I will never forget.

    * A little line from a Persian poem. It explains how I feel Ana, and what I want out of my life. Time to pray to the Almighty….

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I tend to agree with you; there is nothing anyone can do for your husband’s son and his daughter by the co. They have learned to view polygamy from a negative perspective and it, as you stated, tells a lot about the mother’s Islam, as well.

    No one can help them at this point other than Allah. They will have to want to help themselves and seek help from Allah before Allah would help them. Who knows if they care anything about Allah. Regardless, it’s not your problem. As you stated you have goals and objectives that, Insha Allah, you will meet. You have to have your head on straight though and your focus where it needs to be – on Allah. Allah can make you pregnant, and give you healthy, happy, beautiful God fearing children. You must believe that He can and have NO DOUBT whatsoever. You must ask Him for the children you want, persevere and be patient. Get yourself right with your Lord, and don’t let the other family cause you grief. Allah says don’t pay heed to the annoyances of others. I’ve made my intent to listen to Allah about it and everything else, as best I can.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2015

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad your accident was not far worse than it was and you are okay. Alhumdulliah! I’m always leery when it comes to cooking, baking, broiling and a stove. After I learned a former neighbor of mine from back in the high school and early 20 age, had pulled a pot of hot oil off the burner that had caught fire, I get nervous and jerky about stoves. The hot oil poured down the front of her body, her pelvic area and into her shoes. She had several surgeries for the burns and is scarred. She was all messed up. She’s doing well now. She adjusted finally after all these year. I last saw her when my sister had died. Speaking of dead sisters, today is my deceased sister’s birthday :-( Anyhow, I’m very cautious now when messing around with the stove and I’m super concerned for my hubz when he deep fries stuff.

    About your stepson, he may have been bothered psychologically about his life as a child of polygamy and felt a need to speak of it to his buddies. He, apparently, got the reaction he expected, which didn’t make matters any better. There is really not much you could do other than be a shoulder your husband can cry on. You did all you could to accommodate his son, his daughter and his other wife. Your reward is from Allah. It’s all good!

  • Laila

    January 13, 2015

    I do not want to say this on others here. But some people are broken. You cannot fix them and hope for a miracle. They are beyond repair. Please, this comment is not entirely about my co. It is about how I have experienced certain individuals in my journey of life. They have to want to fix themselves. We can give excuses till the cows come home for these sort of people, but its just a futile attempt. In the past if the boy had said such a thing, knowing me, I would feel so rotten. Nowdays, my feelings are, to hell with it. Life is too beautiful to be wasted on stupid never ending rants. One thing my co has taught her kids well, complain and rant till hell freezes over…..

  • Laila

    January 13, 2015

    I cannot entertain his nonsense anymore. In fact it is at this stage that boys learn he value of accountability. If his grades are sliding then be straight up and not use daddys second marriage as a facade. It is simply childish.

    I am planning for a baby this year and quite personally I do not have time for his or his sisters behaviour. I need to focus on me and my body and my health. My co is more than welcome to teach whatever she wants to her kids. They are not mine, and they are beyond repair. As my co told me many times. She rather her daughter be a spinster than being married as a second, third or fourth wife to any man. That, says it all when it comes to her mentality and what she believes in Islam.

  • Laila

    January 13, 2015

    Asalamualaikum and hello beautiful ladies. I have been silent for a reason. Another dumb accident at home. I burnt my thumb and for finger, as I accidentally help up a tray I left on the stove. I did not realize it got hot and well the rest is …. unforgettable. I literally teared up a bit because of the extreme pain.

    I have been thinking a lot of my husbands son. I think Ana is right, he might still be upset but I too have been doing some background work. Nobody knows bout him and his dad overseas. So he might have blurted it out by himself. Ive also come to a conclusion that he is not biologically my son. Ive given years of my marriage time to him and his sister and all that is needed. In fact, many times, its more.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 13, 2015

    @Marii2 you’re right. I’ve lately been picking up hobbies and visiting my friends more often. It’s helped but my biggest problem will be thay each day my husband and I spend 30-60″ninutes on the phone while he is at work. Moresi when I’m home also. Although I try to fill up my time outside of that by thinking of Allah and not my husband. Hopefully the calls won’t br a problem. Perhaps they’ll continue even after he gets married as he works alone. If not then maybe ill have kids by then and no time. Either way I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2015

    Laila,
    I am going through crap with my 20 yr old.I don’t know what it is about that age group and boys but dang they r something else.Full of bull if u ask me.

    Mari2,
    I agree with u I think woman who r more independent by nature will fair much better in Polygamy than someone who is clingy and demanding.

    Aisha,
    Thank u for wishing my little one a happy Birthday he had a great Birthday.

  • Mari2

    January 12, 2015

    @Ana,
    I think you have a very valid point about a woman who is independent before entering into polygamy has a somewhat easier time handling a polygamous marriage. I feel that “independent” does not necessarily encompass only finances, but it means that a woman knows how to entertain herself without a need of her husband around 24/7.

    When a person has her own pursuits/hobbies/friends, IMO she is better able to fill her time with positive pursuits when her husband is not around. When I was young I remember my mom insisting that my siblings and I learned to entertain ourselves. She encouraged hobbies/sports, she guided us on our discovery of literature/genre. She stressed the importance of volunteering and she hammered home to us that yes, you can do things alone like eat out, go to the movies, visit a museum, take a walk. And this all took place before cable television, computers, cell phones, or the internet.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Speaking of crazy, the topic of this thread, I must have been crazy to think I would understand the Murder show without having seen the previous episodes Insha Allah, later today, I’ll take a look and see if it’s “On Demand” or Netflix.

    Shabanah, you so eloquently reminded me in what you wrote by saying,”thank Allah for allowing me to be worthy enough to have the opportunity to praise and worship Him alone as it’s for our own good.” I love how you said “for allowing me to be WORTHY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO PRAISE AND WORSHIP HIM. It’s heavy. It’s an honor for us to worship Allah. Allah chose us. You brought it home in a small amount of words Alhumdulliah. :-)

    You’re right; Allah doesn’t need us. He doesn’t need us to help bring someone to Him. If Allah has chosen someone for Islam the person will get it however which way Allah has determined. I love the saying, (not in Quran), when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

    It’s really nice you have concern for your step-son and think he has potential. Insha Allah, Allah will guide him to Him. It’s sad your first co is so jaded. No one knows what will happen tomorrow. Perhaps she’ll come around, Insha Allah.

    coco puff must be very busy with her fashion collection. I miss her, too.

  • Shabanah

    January 12, 2015

    Ana Dear, you must watch How to get away with murder from the beginning or you’ll be confused. As it just aired on 2014, there’s only about 8 episodes.
    You are one funny woman. I stay cracking up at your posts.

    On a more serious note, about if Allah does not decide for a Muslim to read Holy Quran or make their Salaats then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it despise all your efforts. So true. Its a natural instinct I have to want to help people and guide them but its not in my control. Shukran for reminding me to thank Allah for allowing me to be worthy enough to have the opportunity to praise and worship Him alone as its for my own good. Allah does not need anything from us. We need Him.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    Shabanah,

    About salat, what many people don’t know and no one talks about is that no one can offer salat unless Allah allows the person to. No one can read the Quran unless Allah allows the person to. It’s the same with everything. Allah is in control. If you offer your salat and read Quran, thank Allah MUCH during each and every salat for allowing you to do so. There is an ayah in the Quran that I don’t know off the top of my head, but Allah lets us know that he puts a veil between the Quran and some readers of it, so they won’t understand it. He places bars on a person so they can’t offer the salat.

    You could talk to a Muslim until you are blue in the face about how and why he or she should offer salat, and try to persuade and convince them all you want, but if Allah has NOT decided it for them, it won’t happen. The best thing any one could do in a situation such as it is to simply let the person see him or her offering salat and reading the Quran as their daily routine and perhaps the person has prayed to Allah for help and guidance and by seeing you they will begin to do it, as well. You could pray for them all you want, but unless they are praying to Allah themselves and asking Allah themselves for help and guidance, they won’t get it.

    We have to remember that Allah chooses Believers. He makes Muslims Believers. There are people who are Muslims but not believers. They are only Muslim in name only. Thank Allah swt much He has favored you with Islam, and made you a Believer.

    About the 16 year old, I can only advise you to do your part and let him see you doing what you do – offer salat and read Quran. Ask him if he wants to join you. Maybe Allah has favored him as you suspect. If so, Allah may have him gravitate towards you and he may begin to ask you question and show an interest. If not, leave him alone.

    I was trying to help a sister who I met on the blog to offer salat (we communicated by way of phone) and I tried to study with her. It’s something I can’t do. It’s difficult for people to learn that way. People need to be IN THE COMPANY of a believer(s) to learn from one another and study with one another.

    The subject you and I are discussing is heavy and not everyone will get it, but you asked and I felt compelled to share it with you.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    Shabanah,

    You are soooo funny. I think when I say, someone thinks he or she has “got it going on”, it’s out of habit. I probably have said it so often that it has become something I naturally say without giving it much thought LOL. I had to go back and find the last post I had said it in. I couldn’t remember saying it. LOL. I found it and I’m like, oh, okay.

    I checked into the, “How to Get Away with Murder” earlier this evening. A new episode begins on January 29th. Insha Allah, I’ll record it and see if my hubs would want to watch it with me. We record shows (Scandal, the Good Wife and Celebrity Marriage Boot Camp) to watch at our leisure. I asked him about the Murder show earlier, before I looked it up (I couldn’t remember the name). He didn’t know what I was talking about. Insha Allah, I’ll ask him when he wakes up, since I now have the information. Regardless of whether he wants to watch it, Insha Allah, I’ll check it out. I take your word that I will like the show. If you like “Scandal”, you’ve got good taste. You’ve got it going on LOL

  • Shabanah

    January 12, 2015

    Ana you said it again “got it going on” lol i love it. You’ll thank me once you get into the murder show. It’s awesome

    It’s amazing how much of an influence a mother has on her child. My first co has layed the greatest impression on our husband I guess due to his multiple marriages. She has turned them against their father and some aspects against Islam in a way. They lie to their father saying they make their salaat and first co as well. In my 7 years living with her I’ve never seen any of them pray. Her and her three oldest ate far gone. I tried helping them talking to them giving constant reminders but no success. Her youngest he’s 16 i want to ask you alls advice about. He’s different from the rest in a way. I believe there’s still hope from him. I want to teach him his Salaat and how to read Holy Quran but not sure how to go about it.
    Laila remain firm. As the boy matures im confident he’ll come to terms and accept you as his step mother

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just read your comment to Laila about the 21 year old. I see you and I again are on the same page pretty much. As you stated, the son is still young. According to the Quran the age of maturity is 40, so he’s got a ways to go.

    I’d ask the same question as Laila; how did his so called friends find out his father is polygamous? The son had to have told someone. If he did, he should have expected they wouldn’t understand. He (the 21 year old) doesn’t have understanding, so why did he think anyone else his age would understand unless they came from a polygamous family as well?

    Sounds he’s just an angry kid. He knows his mother is unhappy. Perhaps he senses his mother isn’t happy when they communicate when he’s away as school. I suspect he’s worried and concerned about his mom. You know how the mother and son relationship are.

    @Laila,

    Did the daughter go off to school, as well? If so, mom is there in the house alone. She doesn’t work, and probably has not much to do. There is only so much shopping a person can do before becoming bored. The son may feel guilty about not being there to console and care for his mother.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    If the son was raised correctly, he wouldn’t care what his so called friends thought. What type of people has he befriended? Don’t you think gay parents teach their children that their way of life is acceptable and not to care about what others say and think about it?

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m on my phone so you know what that means. Anyhow I think how your hubs and your co raised their son has much to do with his attitude and the heartache he feels. They apparently didn’t raise him to accept and respect polygamy a part of our way of life that is just as good as monogamy. Their son has witnessed the hurt and pain his mother experienced when his dad married you and how his mom mistreated you. They didn’t teach their son that Allah in the Holy Quran tells us not to concern ourselves with the reproaches of others and not to heed the annoyances of the unbelievers. He has no one teaching and reminding him of it when he forgets. At least you already are thinking about raising correctly the children that,Insha Allah, Allah blesses you with.

  • Marie

    January 11, 2015

    @laila, it’s fine really. It’s the first thing that hubz had let her know about in regards to me/us. I told hubz well if that’s her view then whenever I need you and you have to leave there to come here, you tell that woman it’s none of her business.

    Don’t worry about your hubz son. Men don’t grow up till they are 30 lol. Plus as long as their mother makes an issue of your marriage, the kids will too. I don’t think some woman know how much influence a mother has on her children. It brings another look on “paradise is at the feet of the mothers” if the children are taught about Islam and see their mother living islam, thus giving them a good Islamic upbringing it must count towards the mothers good deeds. Woman in polygamy could show their children that they accept Allah’s will no matter what.

  • Laila

    January 11, 2015

    Marie, this “boy” is 21 and his grades have been sliding in university. I mean come on! How long is he going to run with this lame old statement? How did his so called friends find out? He is in nother country studying. Hubbs had a talk with me about this and he ask my opinion as I am an educator and how should he deal with this. Oh goodness! I am so tired of crap, and crap coming out of a 21 year old who is not studying and using the obvious statement to guilt trip his dad. If we have kids, I am so taking control over the bringing up part.

  • Laila

    January 11, 2015

    In my case I will never say nuts till we have our baby out healthy. Because in the past when she did know or find out she just went ape s*it, Gails term but so right on! Well try and ignore it and just do not bother with the drama. Marie, I too am like you at times. In the past I used to do everything in terms of grocery, fixing stuff etvetc etc. Nowdays I pass the chore list to him too. If he can run to her rescue, he can do the same on my side too. My drama is different his time round. His son is back for a short holiday and has been giving him the cold shoulder. When the dad asked him straight up what is the issue, he ran with the old… broken record answer. Oh my friends found out you are re-married so they made fun of me.

  • Laila

    January 11, 2015

    Dear Marie. Glad and just happy for you my sister in faith that your pregnancy is going well. I think you did right by informing your co about you being pregnant. At least if any emergency crops up she is aware and it will sort of give her a better understanding. In regards to not wanting to know and wanting to know then telling off poor husband I call it “DRAMA OF THE WEEK”. Our co whatever they are will always have that little devil in one ear asking what is happening on the other side eh?! …. Why is it tranquil and peaceful? Why is there peace. Really. Then when information is given, the other behaves like, what you talking about?! When did I ever ask for any information?! You guys can get on with your lives, it not my damn business!

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & our good friends out there in cberspace,

    Aisha,

    I looked up the word”Jannu” in an effort to find the meaning, which wasn’t easy. One definition, which probably fits would be beloved, darling. So, I got my foreign language lesson for today. Thank you very much. Insha Allah, I’ll remember the word and meaning.

    Yeap, Aisha, something is up with him. I can’t remember if the cousin knows about you. I’m beginning to get facts and people mixed up a bit. Maybe cousin girl’s family isn’t liking that he’s married to you. If you don’t terribly mind, please refresh my memory a bit. Thank you, sis.

    @Shabanah,

    Insha Allah, I’ll get a chance to check out the murder show. I so can see how it is easier for you to type quicker on your phone than a computer. The only ones I see typing like it are the youngens, like you LOL A few older ones have got it going on. You grew up on a phone. I grew up on a type writer. Nonetheless, I’m not at all yet ancient. I don’t want anyone to get it twisted. I can still hang.

    @Maire,

    It’s interesting that Allah could seize one of our souls and we’d not know about it here at the 411.

    @Everyone,

    Leave word in your Last Will and Testament that polygamy 411 is to be notified in the event of your death. :-(

    Insha Allah, I must leave for the moment only to return to my dear blog family friends whom I have utmost love for.

    It’s weird; Shabanah goes to bed when I get up. It seems strange, but it’s what happens when we all connect globally. It’s fascinating.

  • Aisha

    January 11, 2015

    Assaam alikum beauties
    Gail I missed your boy’s birthday yesterday but hey better late than never, so tell him I said happy belated birthday he is a big boy now

    I also think about death but not as nearly as Ana does, but thinking about death is healthy, it makes you realise how Allah is the one in control, if he calls you now, ain’t nothing you can do…it helps you rely on him more and trust him more

    My jannu is all grumpy after postponing the marriage to cousin, I think there is more to what meets the eye, someone is not telling me something, but I will find out what, I just can’t help wondering what?

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Ana I love when you say the phrase “ppl think they got it going on” Lol you are hilarious. You also had me laughing when you wrote about how petty laila’s hurt wittle pinky was.

    Too much laughter for one day. I wanted to chime in before I retired for the night. Chat with you sweethearts in the a.m InshaAllah.

    Everyone don’t forget to make your Salaahs on time and give Allah your undivided attention. As salaamu alaikum

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Marie you are too funny saying you told your hubs to let us know if you die. Lol.
    I think of death often as well but not nearly as much as you Ana. I actually look forward to it. Who doesn’t want to meet their Lord. Who wants to remain in this prison world full of pain, hatred, killing the innocent, animosity, war, rape etc. But not yet. I need to raise my boys to be strong steadfast defender of Islam warriors.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 11, 2015

    @marie I’m the same. I don’t put unnecessary demands onmy husband but I ask for wgat I want and need whereas before polygamy was an topic or accepted I would ignore what I need in order to let him relax/please him. Now if I want to buy something I say it, if I need groceries I buy them, if I want him to take me somewhrre I say it. I don’t cause a big deal if he says no and he seems happy enough to entertain my whims lol so I stopped putting unnecessary guiot on myself for asking for what makes me happy . Sorry for the typos im on my phone

  • Marie

    January 11, 2015

    asalamu alaykum all.

    Laila, yes, the pregnancy I coming along well, alhamdulilah. we have let co know. I wasn’t too happy at her response. which was “what you telling me for, that’s her business” but that was after she asked a million questions, one of which was if the baby was planned. what does that have to do with you, I ask. I tried to be considerate, even though a apart of me thought it is none of her business. but that what you get when dealing with a co like mine. nothing is to her pleasing, had we not told her she would have went ape sh@t.

    my now co, has always acted crazy. ever since I can remember. hubz knows too well to not let me know she acting up. he knows what I will say and I have absolutely no empathy for her. this is what she wanted and this is what she got. its not a walk in the park for any of us, we was not put on this earth to make her life easy. end of.

    yes it may be easy for her to pretend that I don’t exists, as when hubz leaves her, her life returns to how it was a few months ago. I however live in reality, life doesn’t go back to how it was before I married him, when he’s with her. its obvious that my husband is not there, I have to acknowledge her existence and the fact that she is my husbands wife.

    The good thing though is, the other day hubz had an emergency at her home. he was asked to pick up the kids and bring them to my home. I said they are probably going to be upset and may want to stay home, I suggested he stay there till the matter is solved or stable and I wont mind if she calls during the night, so give her the option. he returned about 5 hours later (about 12am). its good that I actually don’t need to talk to her for ME to be kind and considerate. if she wants to act the opposite, fine but it wont stop me trying to get rewards.

    moving on. I did watch a good movie called “The Giver” its about a world without emotions and difference. There’s no envy, jealousy, hate but there’s also no love, joy or happiness. I did watch gone girl, which was a very good film. I don’t really watch T.V unless its a documentary, I like wildlife docs and cooking programmes. for some reason now, though chefs wrap EVERYTHING in bacon.

    I think of death often too, but usually my own, it comforting that hubz has another wife, at least when I die he has company. I even told hubz that when I go, let my blog sisters know that im dead, lol.

    I have always been independent, I rarely ask anyone to help or do anything for me. but when hubz got married again I asked him to do more and help more. if he doesn’t or cant then im fine to do it myself. But if he has time to run around for her then he can do things for me too.

    sorry if this is a bit jumbled. i seem to have lost the ability to think straight or concentrate.

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Happy birthday to your son Gail. The big 10. That’s awesome.

    Its funny how you all find it easier typing on the blog via computer and I find it much harderon a comp then mobile. I chimed in via comp once.
    Ana yes kerry and mellie are exquisite actresses. I also love cyrus. He’s freaken heartless but its attractive lol. He’s a d@mn good actor. Freaken nuts. If you love scandal you would love how to get away with murder. Its fairly new it aired only last year 2014.

    ummlana ummu ain and ummof4 where are u beautiful ladies. Where’s the umm gang

  • Gail

    January 11, 2015

    Ana and Laila,
    Thank u ladies for the well wishes for my son he had a great time today.10 is huge for him he is double digits now the same like this brothers and sister.lol
    I didn’t realize the move was going to be so demanding on me but it has been.The house is huge so more cleaning but now we live in the city and I am all the time wanting to go shopping.I just love living in the city.I am here though trying to keep up with everyone.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Gail. Tq! I am adamant to make things work and just have a better life and marriage. Please hug your son for me. A ten year old celebrating his birthday must be exciting! Have a blessed day!

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Hubbs does not give me a tough time in regards to this but when he is super late to head home, then is when madness strikes. She can call my mobile phone about 20 times in just an hour and leave multiple text messages. She in the past always lied about it and said I initiated contact by being super busy body about hubbs movements on her side. Till one day I went to my mobile operating company, printed out the calls history sheet and gave it to hubbs. He was pretty much ashamed. Ive told him recently, that is she tries this again, this year, I will not entertain the woman. Im done playing her childish games. Ive got better things to do then to compete or try to be the better wife. I know who I am and nowdays, I like talking using actual facts. Because it speaks way louder than anything else. People tend to not mess with me, hubbs and people like my co.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    It is a creppy and unwanted thought. But it DID cross my mind several times. After that it was as thought a light bulb went off in my head Ana, and I look at things differently nowdays. Yes I still do “feel” it at times but I just do not entertain silly thoughts. I vent about it here but after which I feel way better, and ready to move on. Yes to date my co and I have not bonded. I just cannot trust her Ana. Because when we do talk and I feel like we are headed somewhere….. she blurts out everything to hubbs. To be honest, I am least bothered. But she always tries to put up this facade that she is the good wife and that I am the bad one and I am the one saying things… Due to this Ive fought many times with hubbs.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I totally get it. No one gets it better than me. I’m somewhat of a morbid person at times. I think about death all the time. I think about death daily a number of times during the day. I’ve always been this way. I think about my husband dying, my wali dying, my mom dying, my siblings dying, people I have known closely dying. I’m all about dying. I think it’s good though, as I know nothing is permanent sigh. It’s sad. I think about me dying. I’m not ready to go yet. I’ve got some things I’d like to do, but if my time is up and I must go, I must go.

    What I said reminded me of “The Richard Pryor show” I came in on one part when my family was watching it and Richard Pryor was playing the part of Idi Amin, the President of Uganda. The skit was that Idi Amin was speaking on a late night show. When the producers or director said to Idi Amin, “Your time is up” (to speak), Idi Amin took out a gun and said, “My time is up?. No, your time is up” and shot the director. It’s hilariously funny. The skit is on You Tube, but I thought it may offend some people if I embedded it here.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Ana. Yes you are right, I vented here like a kid! :) Because even though it was a pinky I was all stitched up and could not even carry out the most basic of actions. I could not comb my hair, shower properly, or even wear my jeans right. I did have my bad days….. Last year was such a difficult year really but eye opening as well. I even had a car accident with colliding with a huge lorry that dragged my car by a bit on my side of the car. It was a nightmare! I thought I was going to die!!…. To make matters worse when I contacted hubbs he was not available till later as he was having a fever and resting. We had a huge fight about him not being around when things took place. But after all that, I realized, hey what if he passed suddenly?

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m really surprised your co hasn’t come around and made friends as a sister-in-faith with you after all these years. When there is no growth (spiritually) there is a problem that she’s not addressing with regard to our religion (way of Life). You and she don’t have to be besties, but I’d think there would be some sort of bond by now.

    I find I bond with the wrong friggen people. I always end up getting a kick in the rear end Allah says we love them and they love us not

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Good thing you showed up when you did. I thought I’d have to put a missing person alert out on you. I miss you when you’re not here typing away. I know you’ve got a lot of stuff going on with studying, the move, the children and …. Sigh.

    So your little man is 10 years old today, huh

    Please tell him your computer friends wishes him a very Happy Birthday

    Happy Birthday and hugs from us

  • Gail

    January 10, 2015

    Shabanah,
    I am here reading silently.Today is my son 10 yr Birthdays and I just got home.hubby and I took the little kids skating and out to eat.We r now just waiting on everyone to wake up in Pakiland so we can celebrate his birthday with the family.

    Laila,
    I really got into reading what u were saying about your hubby and not being so picky with him.I think that is awesome.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    @Dear Laila,

    Having menses can make one go off, freak out and behave badly. I’ve had it happen many a times and had to apologize to my hubs and my wali for acting crazy as though I’d lost my mind. So, I get where your co was coming from.

    Women have to understand that when they are in polygamous marriages they have to be stronger than most and become very independent. If one is independent beforehand, she’s in a better position once her marriage becomes polygamous. I’ve always been one who stepped up when things needed to get done. One has to be able to use her noggin and think. She has to be able to make sound knee jerk decisions. Allah has planned this for the women who are in it and if they put their faith and trust in Him the way we should, He will see us through whatever He places us in.

    Men are not superman. They can’t dance to each wife’s beat. There will be conflict. I’m sure had you had a major automobile accident and was unconscious or something your husband would have been there Johnny on the spot and would not have left your side. If I remember correctly, your mom came to stay with you for a while after your pinky incident as you had difficulties doing certain things.

    Family usually step up when things happen. I’m not close with my biological family, but they have always been there for me when I needed them and I’ve been there for them. I have my Islamic family (wali,his wife and their grown kids)there for me, as well. Allah doesn’t leave us out there alone. Only Allah is One.

    I find when wives do what you do, try to make things easier for their husbands and not try to make things difficult, the husbands drawer near to that wife. Allah rewards good with good. When the wives try to make life difficult for the husband, the wives’ lives become difficult and there is no peace for anyone.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    I’m still trying to get through reading the posts while doing many other things domestically. I had to run to the supermarket too. There’s always so much to do and not enough time to do it in. At least it’s what I find in my life. I’m not a super woman LOL

    I was just laughing to myself about Laila. Laila, I remember when the incident happened when you cut your pinky. You were here with us on the blog, talking about it. You were so upset that your hubs had to leave you. We’re all like, SERIOUSLY, it was only your pinky Rolling on the Floor Laughing Some of us, especially I gave you the most difficult time. We’re like, how do you expect to care for a child/children in a polygamous marriage, if you can’t cope with a hurt pinky Crybaby LOL You took a beating from us.

    Laila what you described of the first year being in polygamy, sounds about right. In fact, it’s the REALITY for many. You depicted it the way it is. It’s what people need to hear to know they aren’t alone and they aren’t crazy. If one makes it through it with their sanity intact, they have made a huge accomplishment. They have made great strides.

    Being in a polygamous marriage for some, as you indicated, could either make a person or break a person. If it makes a person, she comes out a winner and on top. She is stronger than the toughest of women and it should bring her closer to Allah, if she’s striving for it. Polygamy probably paves the way for what’s needed for a women to enter Jannah/Paradise. It takes a lot of turning to Allah swt. It takes a lot of prayer. One definitely must learn to ask Allah for patience and for help in persevering. It’s a beautiful thing when you analyze it.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to Everyone,

    @Alison,

    Hey you! It good to hear from you. I know what a nightmare it is to type on a phone. It’s enough to drive one crazy . I’m getting a bit better with it, but it’s still WORK. I don’t know how some people breeze through it as though typing on a computer. It’s amazes me.

    @Dear Laila,

    Insha Allah, when the hubs and I do make it to Malaysia, I’ll be sure to give you advanced notice and we’d look forward to hanging out with you and your hubs. I already had mentioned to my hubs when you and I first discussed it quite some time ago that I wanted to hook up with the two of you, and explore the sights. He was game I’m sure we all would have loads of fun and have the best of times, especially with the eats being Halal there LOL

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    I would be glad, delighted and excited if you ever came to Malaysia. My guest room is pretty much never used. Its very comfy, and clean…. so who knows you might just change your mind eh :)

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    My dearest Ana and to all my beautiful sisters here. Never say “never”…. because you just never know where you might be or what you might end up doing. Ive never been the type to travel. I was brought in an environment where money was enough but extra was a luxury. Travelling was just to another state and more often than not we stayed with relatives to cut down costs. Meeting hubbs changed me. I no longer saved and saved my earnings for the ultimate rainy day. Yes nowdays I save to also travel. It excites me now. My trip to Turkey was so eye opening. I experienced everything. I now look forward to it. Hubbs wants to go to Spain. I however like the idea of France. So lets see.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    About planning, I’ve never been much of one of those. The hubs on the other hand is. Planning is tricky. We plot and we plan, but Allah is the best of Planners. He’s the Master Planner.

    Some people plan everything out and it all seems to go their way most of the time. Then they fall asleep – they begin to think they’ve got it going on. They forget Allah is pulling the strings, so to speak and we’re just puppets. They think they make things happen. They think every thing works for them. They think they know what they’re doing. The whole time they are being lead astray. They begin to think themselves self-sufficient. Then one day, things may not go their way anymore or they get a surprise of their lives. Maybe Allah puts the SMACK DOWN on them. They get hit with something they never anticipated before – maybe they get hit with – could it be- Polygamy

    Then there are those for who NOTHING seems to go as planned. It may be a very good thing for them. They begin to see exactly how Allah is in control of all things. They begin to realize they have to depend on Allah for everything. Consequently, they grow in faith, if there is such a thing. Based on the definition of faith, one either has it or don’t.

    Then, there may be those people who know Allah is in control and they just go with the flow. They do what they’ve got to do at the moment and life becomes easy for them. They’ve become that puppet on a string. They know Allah knows what is best for them. Life seems to take on a new meaning for them and life becomes easy. I suppose those are the people for whom Allah disposes of their affairs towards comfort and ease.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Shabanah,

    “Scandal” is an intense, hot, classy TV series. Kerry Washington is an excellent actor in the show and I love Mellie too. They’ve cast super strong women in the show. The woman who plays Kerry’s mom is way beautiful. Kerry wears the most chic stylish clothes. I absolutely love her clothes. I may even watch some re-runs of it till new season begins.

    Shabanah, the maternal instinct NEVER kicked in for me. I was turned off from wanting to have kids when my not so older sister and I had to care for our younger siblings while my mom and step-dad worked. My husband never, ever wanted his own kids either. He had been married for ten years and divorced when I met him. His now ex-wife already had young children when he married her and he raised them with her as his own. He and she are very good friends till this very day. They talk regularly on the phone. She and I were at a few of his work affairs and we now get along very nicely. Initially, She didn’t take to me without even knowing me. Why, I don’t know. He and she had an amicable divorce, but – whatever.

    Allah blessed me by giving me a husband who didn’t want kids the same as I didn’t want them, so there was never any conflict between him and me about kids. Although I don’t like kids, they are drawn to me. They stare at me in supermarkets and places. They gravitate towards me. Some of the little ones still have the light of Allah, NOT ALL. I supposed they see light in me. I don’t mean to toot my own horn. I’m just saying. You know what I’m saying? LOL

    @Dear Laila,

    I’ve been wanting to go to Turkey for the longest, but the hubs doesn’t want to go. He says there is too much happening in these countries that we need to be cautious in our travels. I didn’t care. Anyhow, recently, he began to lighten up about it, and was going to accommodate me. Then just a few weeks ago, I was telling my wali that it looks as though I may be going. He said he wouldn’t go to Turkey. I asked why. He replied, “Isn’t ISIS there”. I had always been aware that ISIS was there, but when I heard his words and saw his expression, REALITY suddenly hit me like never before. I thought to myself, the hubs and I could get beheaded. OUCH… I told my hubs about my revelation. He thinks I’m crazy. After all, it what he had been trying to tell me.

    @Laila,

    So, anyhow, last week, I was looking at traveling with the hubs to Malaysia (yes, my dear. I intended to stop over to see my dear, lovely sister – you). I picked out the place we’d stay, but I couldn’t find a direct flight and we’d be traveling for just about a day to get there and a day back. Well, I got tired trying to figure it out and I tossed the idea along with all my scribbled notes. I got turned off from traveling any place in the near future that entails such a lengthy journey. When the hubs retires, Insha Allah, we may do extensive travel to foreign lands :-)

    All the travel search I did made me look realistically at the “Meet and Greet” for polygamy 411. The travel for most of the commentator would be way far and costly for the short few days we’d get together. Unless everyone had relatives or friends to visit, it wouldn’t be worth the expense, time and trouble for everyone. Then trying to get a time when all could come together and sync schedules would be an ordeal. It was a nice thought though. I had envisioned us all having oooo goooo gobs of fun.

  • Shabanah

    January 10, 2015

    Gail and coco puffs i miss you gals :)

  • Shabanah

    January 10, 2015

    Dearest Ana, So you don’t have children. I imagined you had kids but they were all grown up and moved out married with your grandbabies (just from the style of your writing). There’s people who couldn’t imagine their life without smelly good chubby pudding babies and others who cant imagine their life with. It amazes me how Allah created an entire race of humans and no two are the same.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    My previous lady boss once told us lady teachers about bad days, inability to function without the help of our husbands and menses. She told us that when a woman cannot control her emotions and carries herself like a headless chicken in front of family and friends it does not show weakness, it also shows a weak character. She told us this because we had some lady teachers who were hitting 50 and yet behaved like they were so fragile. So I value that advice given because it resonates well with me. Yes I need my hubbs around, but if he cannot be around because of work or other matters, if I am upset I will vent, but then I will remind myself that with or without him, life must go on.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    I want it to work with or without my co’s cooperation. So if along the way I have to give up my time so be it. I know it will be given to me back again in other ways. I see it back to me in the way he hugs me before getting out of bed and enjoying what I cook for dinner. These little things are more important to me. Rather than being petty. Shabanah…. in the past when my home had a break in he made sure he was here an extra few days my co went nuts. She called me and blasted me non-stop. She blasted him non-stop. After which she called me and apologized and said she had her menses….!? Holy cow, so if I have my menses am I given this license to blast people off and say I am having a bad time?!….

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Ana. One thing that I have learnt in polygamy is that, not everything goes as planned. We have to be ready for it, accept it, maybe vent about it, and then let it go and move on. In the past I always gave hubbs a tough time about not being around when crap happens. Nowdays I am least disturbed and he feels very disturbed. Even the last two weeks ago when I out of the blue gave him an extra day to spend at my co. He was so pisses off. He kept asking me why and whether I was upset and said I did not love him till he finally accepted and thanked me and I saw how happy he was when he was home after that. I do not want to be petty and calculate days and gets pissed and keep grudges.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    I think my hubbs likes simple minded, easy going types. Which I am not. So that is my logic and my way of thinking and how I handle myself in my ever complicated marriage of one man and two women and kids.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    I always tell myself that what if one day hubbs meets his Creator? What will happen to me? Will I function? Or will I just collapse at the pressure of not being able to handle myself. Its a wacky thought but it crosses my mind. So that is why I do whatever I need as much as with his help but also includes my own efforts. If I need to find out about my investments, I refer to him, plus I go to the bank, sit down with the banker, find out and then even call some banker friends for a second opinion. My friends who are married and not polygamous don’t even do a fraction of what I do. They rely on their husbands entirely to handle every part of their lives. Which is good as we all need good support system. But I always love to rely on my own as well as hubbs. And that is what keeps his interest in me, because I put him on his toes and he…. does not like it

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    All you guys know that I went to Turkey last October. I came back with a really bad viral fever. He made sure that he was home with me for a few days. At night I was heating up. He sponged me the whole night, went to work the next day. Took me to the doc after work and just stayed home and made sure I was okay. Reminded me to rest and just sleep. Bought me porridge. So yes, there are times he cannot be immediately there when an urgency hits. But I know he is concerned, and he has taken care of me when I am so weak to even walk to the toilet. Besides, my dears…. polygamy is such, your husband is not always going to be here 24/7. We have to learn to be independant anf learn to handle ourselves too.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Initially I was upset when he did not stay the night. But then again, I did not want her to know about my accident etc etc etc. So I kind of accepted him going home to her. I agreed because being married and polygamous you cannot have everything to your liking, and it was hard… but then again I take my neighbours kids to be my own. I love them to bits. All five of them. I always buy stuff for them when I am on holiday and they are my darlings. So yes it hurt that he was not there when I screamed my guts out when I was being stitched up and I was bleeding. But I also understand that by the time he checked his mobile phone I was already in the hospital. So I let it slide. But when I miscarried in the past he was around. He stayed and nursed me back to health.

  • Shabanah

    January 10, 2015

    Laila I like planning down to the very last detail but my plans always seem to be better than expected or worse than prepared for. Allah plans, we call ourselves planning but in the end Allah’s plan is the best.
    But I couldn’t imagine my hubs not being there for me if i had to be rushed to the hispital but crap happens that’s life but for him to finally show up then ended up leaving again i mean he should’ve stuck by your side. Do you think your co would’ve went loco on his @$$?
    Im a super organized person too i can’t function otherwise.
    Laila thats cool you are blessed to be able to plan when to have a baby. Me it just happens when it happens my attempts dont make a difference. My boys are 5 whole years apart. But I think it was best for me.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 10, 2015

    Ahh I thought you just didn’t have him there. In any relationship there will be times he cannot make it but in marriage even polygamy he needs to be accessable in emergencies as much as possible.
    Yes I agree visiting and helping a grandma is completely different to being married to someone else. Still its a disruption life brings many you just gotta get used to it I guess. I like planning too, but I love a bit of spontaneous events also

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    So one thing I have learnt in all this is, theories and planning is all great. But when it hits you, then that is when we either go through it and come out alive or we just crack under pressure and just raise our white flags. What I have shared with you was a glimpse of my life in the initial stages. Very very messed up. So when I have friends who tell me to stop planning and just ride the waves when we have a baby, I totally understand from where they are coming from, because these are the same friends of mine who are like me, planners and super organized women. If they had their way they would even plan when to have s**,

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    A lot was on my plate, his plate and hers as well. We all had meltdowns and arguments and tantrums…. I am amazed at ,myself at how much I just tolerated. Ruqayyah, you have no clue how messed up my personal life was that it spilled into my emotions at work. I was so stressed and I was sleeping a lot, I gained extra weight, I kept my bills everywhere. I paid for my bills but never remembered to file them up. I dressed so sloppily for a few years. My home was… a times so clean you could eat off the floors and at times, I cannot even get fresh laundry and I ended up using my already worn clothes. Late for my appointments….. always pissed off.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    When I had the accident at home, hubbs was on her day but he was out with his business friends and was occupied. When he did get my message he did immediately come over to the hospital. Im not painting a rosy beautiful picture of my ever perfect marriage. I am giving you facts about the reality of being married and being polygamous. Visiting his grandma is all good Ruqayyah. But things are not as smooth and well planned when being married to another individual. I am hapoy that you both are talking about it and throwing ideas around. Which is good. But till it happens….. you never know whats about to hit. Before I got married God knows I planned…. guess what my first initial years were hell. I call it hell because everything was a mess.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    But in reality we all plan to make things run smoothly. Trust me, my hubbs and I are the type where we plan to every last detail. That is something we share in common. I like things to be perfect. I strive for perfection. But in reality things never really fall into place all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes it is a mess.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Dear Ruqayyah. What you said about men being protectors is spot on!

  • Ruqayyah

    January 9, 2015

    I wouldn’t expect the 2nd to make the first move. I expect to meet her before hand and expect my husband to arrange that. Reason n being is I’m sure once I put a face to tbe idea and meet her and see she is a nice person with feelings etc it will be easier for me to deal with her and the situation. I feel its a small request. Some 2nds don’t want to meet before hand.. don’t want to meet after. They feel acknowledging a 1st wife gives her some kind of power over the relationship. I don’t know. I’m just grateful I have a husband who shares my ideas on polygamy. It makes it a lot easier rather than trying to deal with polygamy and then deal with a situation you don’t want as well.

    As much as I’d hurt I’d (if I met her and liked her) would probably buy her a gift or card. But I’d keep my distance initially in order to deal with the emotions. I wouldn’t be welcoming her with open arms as thats too much to ask for a wife who didn’t want the marriage to take place in the first place. I’d just go about my life trying not to wreack havoc in her life.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 9, 2015

    @Laila I disagree that that is polygamy. It may be your set up but others are different. Some men and families will drop everything knowing a wife is hurt and needs the hospital. I wouldn’t accept my husband not taking me, reason being HE is the protector of me not the neighbor. An extra wife is not supposed to impact me to the point of when I have an emergency I have no one to call. 2 wives is double the responsibility every day not leaving 1 wife to fend for herself. *shrugs* each family is different I guess. But maybe I see something different in my husband. He drops our plans to help his grandma and I wouldn’t have it any other way. What would I do wiyh him? Take him to the movies while his grandma is suffering and alone just because “its my time”? No. Time can be rescheduled but in the event of an emergency that’s when a husband needs to pull through for all of his family involved.

    And the pregnancy thing is another difference. For you your husband agreed and thats cool. For me my husband hasn’t agreed he wants freedom to tell who he wants. He’s proud and wants to shar it. I can’t control him so why stress about it? If I had a good reason I’m sure he’d listen and be understanding but I feel his reason holds weight too. I don’t need to have it my way all th time.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I love that you are here. You are straight up and forthright in your speech. You tell it like it is. I see things about polygamy from an entirely different perspective when you speak. It’s what we need to hear.

    You are absolutely correct; wives who marry the husbands first expect the newcomer to slide on in and fit in without any problems. We expect her to initiate contact with the wife who was already there. We expect her not to have any issues with polygamy since we think she signed on for it (although, we should know Allah decreed it for those who are in it). Wives who married their husbands first have unrealistic expectations. The wives who married first had to adjust to the marriage, so why should she think a woman joining an existing marriage as a new wife wouldn’t have to undergo an adjustment period, as well?

    Unless wives like you and Shabanah come forward, speak up and express yourselves by being direct, how are we supposed to know what we need to know to go forward in a positive direction? coco says she has learned a lot from you, Laila. I know I have. I like your style. You’re a very bright, intelligent, and perceptive. Perhaps your co feels threatened by you because of it. I don’t know. Allah knows best. You assuredly are no slouch.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    Laila,

    You and Marie make a sound point in that you have had a difficult time with pregnancy and Marie have had issues with miscarriages. Ummof4 chimed in and stated it’s best when one has experienced difficulties that she not announce her pregnancy early on in the event a miscarriage occurs. I wouldn’t know how I’d react as I never tried to become pregnant. I only took measures not to become pregnant. I, therefore, am not the best one to take advise from regarding when to tell others about the pregnancy and who to tell.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    Most wives believe that the newer one should make the first approach or move. I disagree. It all depends on the individual. Some can ignore the first for years and it won’t make them feel bad. In fact they feel that is is not their problem. So what is the next move? Do we expect newer wives to immediately fit in and move at the same rhythm as the existing set up family? I think that is being ridiculas and hypocritical. Getting adjusted, understanding the other wife, kids, in-laws, friends of husband and friends of first wife….. all takes time. Coming to an “ideal” set up, where there are no fights and arguments and where everyone moves accordingly will happen, but not right away. We have “people” to deal with. Unfortuneatly, people are not robots. They are filled with emotions, nafs, ego, needs, and many other elements. So please, be realistic when it comes to a newcomer joining an existing family. Its tough on all parties. Newcomer, husband and present wife plus kiddos. Its a huge mini van that has many types of people, and everyone wants to head to jannah but along the way some pit stops and bumps will be faced. I pity the driver really…. the husband.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    You only come face to face or in contact when the schedule has a disruption. Till then what she does with her life is her own doing. My hubbs does not entertain my text messages when he is on the other side. He only replies late at night or the next day when he sees my text. It is really idiotic. Because in the past an accident did take place in my home. I accidentally sort of sliced my pinky. I was rushed to the hospital by my neighbours son. He only came way later and he left me home, made sure I had my meds, made sure our cat was okay and he went home. Of course it hurt!… But that is polygamy. I had to suck it up. I vented about it here but hey that is polygamy. She deleted your texts. That is juvenile of her. But then again, why is she doing that? What has been fed to her about you?

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    I agree with you Ana. Ina wants to know about the other side. By entertaining the “boy” it a huge sign. She wants things to work out but she is also at the same time jumping the gun and labelling her co. Did she ever try to reach out?…. im just saying my thoughts out. Ina, your husband has to realize he has two women and not young little girls. By him giving unwanted information it certainly does not help and it is creating a barrier between the both of you. Which is so unhealthy. Ive tried to reach out to my co in the past and Ive been rejected. So at least I tried. Going back and forth on who sent the text messages in the first time and whether she can handle a baby wih a PHd etc etc is not your business. You might mean well like an older sister but no its not your calling or your life. It is her life with him.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    In regards to the pregnancy thing. Sorry girls I do not agree. What a coincidence. Hubbs and I plan to start another round this year and Ive told him to shut up about the whole thing till we have the baby to co or to our relatives. Hes agreed with my idea. Reason being so is that I want to have my pregnancy in a stress free situation and the less people know, the less stress I will endure. I am not ready to share baby making plans with co or my relatives on his side. Enough nightmares already.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    I think when engaging in polygamy nothing really is private. We women want some form of secret but sometimes the unexpected happens. Ina also has to realize that her co is young. Which does not give her the license to brand her as stupid but inexperience is at times a huge problem. She is testing the waters and Inas husband is giving in. As to whether the co asks for divorce or not, personally…. Ive asked for it like a million times!

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I really like what you wrote. You said, ” My husband told his ex-fiance I was crazy. True as it is I resent him saying that, because polygamy may fix our marriage, and when I’m no longer crazy all the time then who will be hurt?”

    You’re keeping it real. We all at times act all kinds of shades of crazy and anyone who says differently is not being truthful with self or others. No one is condoning crazy behavior, but only recognizing what we do. It’s what is meant by keeping it real. Not lying to ourselves and others about it.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    This is in response to your post https://polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-january-2015-discussions/#comment-4113

    I agree with you that by Ina not putting her foot down to what her husband and the supposed “boy” tells her about the co is causing the problem to persist. I truly believe deep down Ina wants to know what is happening with the co and how her husband feels. A wife who is adamant about not wanting to know would throw a sh!t fit on the husband when he opens his mouth to speak about it and he’d not open his mouth again about it. Men don’t want to deal with crazy.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 9, 2015

    HAHA! You know what I mean! It’s always the same sad story, she doesn’t get me, we don’t love each other. It’s only a marriage for the kids. It’s you I love. God know’s best what the husband said to the co, but she sure seems pretty insecure. In polygamy you CANNOT focus on how bad the other wife is aiming for that to be your success. You need to be you, the best you, only then will your happiness last when you see that she is the best her too.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Say what, “the other wife is trash” ? Shocked eyeswell, tell us how you really feel LOL Nice post, Ruqayyah! Men want to be polygamous, but don’t know how to handle their business.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 8, 2015

    @Ina,
    I truly feel for u, I understand your co is jealous immature and unreasonable, but I feel that her husband has facilitated that somewhat. Men don’t realise that by talking bad about one wife the other wife will think she is something amazing, and the other wife is trash. When she enters it and the reality is not the picture the husband created in her mind, then her world comes crashing down. My husband told his ex-fiance I was crazy. True as it is I resent him saying that, because polygamy may fix our marriage, and when I’m no longer crazy all the time then who will be hurt? His new wife and how is that fair on my sister in islam? How is it fair to reel a sister in who does not want to be an addition to an already strong marriage on false hopes that the first marriage is failing, instead she could have left and found someone else. If men are happy to stay married to us and keep on reaping the benefits of our marriage to them then they should guard our faults just as we guard their faults, put up with our crazy as we put up with theirs. Lol, oh well, it’s his own bed he’s making, you just focus on you. Don’t let them pull you in.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2015

    Ina,

    It’s possible the co is intimidated by you, which is why she doesn’t contact you directly and go cray, cray on you. Most wives go directly to the source of what they feel is causing their distress – the other wife. You are causing her grief by you and she being married to the same man. Yet, she doesn’t go to you to act out her frustration and anger. She hides behind another persona.

    Ina, you have to feel something for her. She is in a TREMENDOUS amount of pain. No one can help her until she helps herself. She has to works on herself. I don’t suggest you go through the trouble of trying to convince your husband that the boy is your co. I doubt he’d believe it. He’d have to catch her red handed or have indisputable proof. Just do as you and others said; get your popcorn and sit back and watch the show. Try to block her and her with him out of your mind completely. Focus on Allah swt. Pay attention to your marriage and not theirs, as ummof4 stated. It’ll all be good for you, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2015

    Ina,

    Based on all that been said, my gut tells me the co is the “boy”. If the boy is a friend, she would be furious that a friend would invade her privacy the way he did. She’d be so humiliated that he saw such pics and even more mortified that you saw them. It only speaks to the co/boy’s moral character. They both have to have low moral character. They go way low. Thank Allah much you are not like her/him/them. Eventually you will come to realize she is only hurting herself.

    With regard to her having a child, well, it’s nice. She’s naive though. She may want to hurt you by having a child, which is within her right, yet she can’t see the bigger picture. As you stated, for her to have a child after having just gotten married, and is studying for her PHD, will be way stressful for her. She may have to postponed seeking her PHD until the child gets older. She may not have contemplated what it would be like to have a child for the first time and have to raise it with a part-time husband. It would be much easier, if she was friendly with you and lived near you. I’m sure you’d help her out, based on what I’ve been reading of you. You need to stress to your husband that she will not get him full-time and neglect you just because she is with child, if she is in fact pregnant.

    She, apparently, does’t know that when circumstances change, life changes. She will have to devote a tremendous amount of time to caring for the child. She will no longer live a life of leisure in which she can readily service your husband. She will get tired and will have her hands full. Your husband, on the other hand, may find solace in your humble abode. If you think she is acting crazy now, you wait. You haven’t seen crazy yet.

    I agree with you that your husband probably didn’t portray you in a good light, which is why she feels she can disrespect you and your children. Not to worry Allah Sees and knows all things. She’ll get a reality check. You don’t have to do a darn thing to facilitate it. We all reap what we sow. There are no exceptions to the rule.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2015

    Ina,

    You have a really good attitude about the child, if your co is, in fact, pregnant. The child is innocent in all this, as you stated. You have a big heart.

    The commentator who you spoke of was “Lynn”. Her husband married the maid. I think Lynn is Indonesian from Indonesia, if I’m not mistaken. The maid was from Malaysia. She reported the maid to the authorities (that she had some type of affair with Lynn’s husband) who revoked the maid’s work visa and the maid had to go back to Malaysia. I totally understood Lynn’s devastation, as she trusted the maid who apparently was having a love affair, even if not physical, with her husband. Betrayal hurt. She treated the maid like family. She was way kind to the maid and brought her many gift, if I remember correctly – only to find out she was hanky pankying around with her husband.

    I’m sure that it was difficult for Lynn to come to see the maid as an equal once her husband and the maid married. The maid made sure she rubbed in Lynn’s face that she had become an equal to Lynn, and she didn’t have to take orders from Lynn any longer. Lynn rose above her hurt and pain and was civil to the maid. Yes, she did send gifts to the maid for the child. I think she even saw the child at a mall where the husband brought the child for Lynn to meet her. I don’t know if Lynn is still reading, but if so, she may stop in to say hello and let us know how all is going with her.

  • Ina

    January 8, 2015

    I have shared on this blog the issues I had with a “boy” who claims to be obsessed with my co-wife. First he claims to have hacked into her email and sent me certain sex pics and msgs between my husband and now co-wife with the hope that I will divorce my husband. He claimed that if I divorce my husband before they married then they would not be able to get married at all (due to a condition set by co-wife’s father). Yet after they were married, he continued to contact me, albeit less frequently. The ladies on this blog drew my attention to the possibility that this “boy” may not exist and may be co-wife herself (or someone close to co-wife). To date, I do not have any proof of this but there are just too many coincidences to ignore and the feeling that it’s co-wife posing as “boy” to break up my marriage makes more sense.

    I have not shared my suspicions with hubby as I don’t think he will believe me. I agree that my co-wife is not crazy but only acts crazy with me/hubby. If she is indeed posing as the “boy” then I think I win the prize the most crazy acting co-wife. I can forgive her for her pettiness/childishness but this stuff with the boy is hard to forgive and forget.

    @Coco,
    Co-wife is not stupid (she is doing a phd after all) and if she is the boy then she knows how to protect her identity. Apparently, she missed her menses by a few days and she posted on facebook that she might be pregnant. This is how the boy knew and emailed me about the possibility that she might be pregnant.

    @Laila, hubby would not be first one to talk about their pregnancy plans. I think he is a little more sensitive than that. But the topic came up because I asked him due to the email I received and also during our SMS war (after I found out she deleted my text msgs). I had to ask because I wanted to know how the “boy” knew. We do not have a detailed discussion about it – I simply said I was surprised that she wanted a baby so soon and that I am not upset about. I am realistic enough to know that one day they will have children (if Allah wills) and I have come to terms with this even before they got married.

    @Ana, I remember there was a lady on blog years ago (I can’t think of her name at this moment) whose husband ended up marrying the maid. I think she lived in Singapore and the maid had to go back to her home country of Indonesia. I remember her story because I really felt her pain. When the maid had a baby, she went a bought a present for the little one which I thought was extremely good of her. She said something like she cannot forget pain caused by the maid but the baby is not at fault.

    When my co-wife has children, they will be siblings to my own children. I cannot deny this fact nor should I deny the children of their half siblings. We should not make them suffer for the adults who are/were acting crazy.

  • Mari2

    January 7, 2015

    @Gail,
    I do know the rest of your story :) That is why I think you should write it, and/or write an anthology of stories relating to polygamy. So many different women from around the world. So many different experiences with regards to polygamy both positive and negative. Imagine what so many of us could share with others.

  • Shabanah

    January 6, 2015

    Mari2 that’s crazy. Many men seem to get other wives just because they can. Marrying repeatedly also seems to be one of the only commands they feel extremely loyal to upholding. Ana I love this post. Yes crazy co wives do exist many times you can’t help it or don’t know any other way. The crazy phase is a phase you must go through I think to grow. Its a learning experience.

  • Gail

    January 5, 2015

    Mari2,
    I watched that same documentary.That dude was real turd!I remember watching it and thinking oh someone just beat him already.lol
    This is my take on when a man tells his wife or wives he is going to remarry.I think 99.9% of wives go nuts at first.May it last one hour or the rest of their life I think it happens esp the very first time a husband comes and says.Unless u r that really lucky woman where a husband doesn’t have anyone in mind and he tells u and u r very well informed and kept 100% in the loop.
    I was shafted big time so yeah I took major hard for several years of the marriage.7 yrs of my marriage was hell to be frank.Third year of marriage I started feeling something fishy when excowife brought Zareen forward on the Cam at his sisters marriage and said the child looked like their son who I was raising.I Used to work in Woman’s health so I got out a pregnancy conception calendar wheel and the conception came up the week my husband and I started chatting online.I asked him outright if the child was his he denied it for maybe a year then I got tired of the lies and I went to Pakistan and point blank asked my excowife and she also denied it for awhile then I asked her one last time and she confessed to me the child was his.
    The story goes on but I will stop here.lol

  • Mari2

    January 5, 2015

    @Ana
    Perhaps wives act out because they don’t know, or are trying some how to process the information that there is another wife. I agree that husbands should be the head and keep wives in check, and some husbands aspire to have more than one wife, but seem to lack in the leadership department and that lack of leadership can result in difficulty among the wives.

    I also feel, in my opinion, that surprising one wife with the fact that the man is married again or will be very soon, can result in some acting out among wives. I also think it prudent that a man at least try and listen to an upset wife and try to help/guide her. I think it quite unjust for a man to take another wife and just tell the other(s) to deal with it. There needs to be some kind of communication and preparation between the husband and his wife/wives.

    I watched an interesting documentary featuring polygamy in rural Iran. There was a man with 4 wives and 20 plus children. His MO for bringing a new wife into the household was just to show up one day with a girl and say “This is my new wife.” I’m pretty sure the family was shia, but in one scene he discussed getting a 5th wife. It was not his wives who had anything to say, but his older sons had a fit. They told their father that things were hard enough trying to feed the children and wives he already had so why did he need another one? The older children of the man were more upset about the prospect of a new wife then the wives themselves.

    I did notice however that the family lived in a compound and each wife and her children had their own separate living quarters. They only shared an outside kitchen. And when the man brought home meat, it was divided with all the wives with regard to how many children each wife needed to feed. Very interesting documentary.