December 2015 Discussions

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polygamy 411 december 2015 discussions
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December 2015 Discussions

polygamy 411 December 2015 Discussions

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295 Comments

  • Maryam

    December 2, 2016

    Hi Ana,

    Is there still a discussion to react? I’m in this situation now and think I need to talk about this and have some support.

    Thank you.

    Maryam

     

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2016

    This thread is now closed.

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the polygamy 411 December 2015 discussions and welcome in a new month and year.

    Join us at: January 2016 Discussions

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2015

    Polygamy 411 wishes all a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year!

    polygamy 411 wishes Happy New Year

  • jasmina

    December 31, 2015

    thank you so much for sharing some insight into your life. i agree with you about the children. thats so great that you qnd your husband are on the same page with raising your children. how many do you have?

    how interesting that this is what ur ex co would do. i need tokeep my eyes open with this girl. just before my husband married her i had a dream of a beautiful woman he married tripping me down a flight of stairs as i was heavily pregnant. i wonder if she will accept that my husband will not leave me and stop with the drama. i can be good to my husband to counter her attempts but only for so long.

  • Aisha

    December 31, 2015

    Welllllllll I ended up going back *hides face*… Alhamdulilah things have been ok so far.. My co is acting all weird we had a massive argument where she starting calling me really bad names again and for the first time I spoke up and asked my husband what he is going do about it… They ended up having a really big argument and she was begging me for forgiveness and telling me how she wants our relationship to go back to the way it was… Alhamdulilah my husband has been on my side throughout the issues with her.. She’s due at the end of this month I’m praying her having the baby doesn’t effect mine and my husbands relationship in a negative way… I’m mentally preparing myself for the worst, I know he will be busy with her and I’ll need to give up some of my time and Insha’Allah I’ll be fine with that.. I’m thinking of going to my mums house for a while after the baby is born to give them guys some bonding time without me getting in the way.. My husband hasn’t mentioned divorce again which is good Alhamdulilah… How are you Ana? And everyone else? My phone is still hacked lol so after I type this I shall be deleting my history… XxXxX

  • Gail

    December 31, 2015

    Jasmina,

    My excowife was the exact same way u r describing yours.She would do and say the exact same things to make her look innocent.She would put others up like her mom or my husbands sister and tell them to tell my husband to divorce me.She gave it her very best try for certain to get him to divorce me.In my case I don’t know why but my husband has never left although at times he has said he would divorce me when he was pissed and my reply being everytime why wait go now BITE ME….. On my side I have stayed for the kids so that they would have a stable home a solid foundation.
    Still I can’t say 100% if my husband and I will eventually divorce or not and anymore I really don’t give it alot of thought to be honest.I see it like this my focus is on the children getting them grown and settled in their lives.My youngest has plans to be a pilot and own his own private company and my daughter has interest in becoming a Homeopath Doctor my other son he has no interest in school and her will help us to grow our real estate business.My husband and I are both committed to getting our children through college etc.. I should mention the one child that has no interest in school we our sending him with his brother to be a pilot as well.In our family the younger children are more intelligent than the older children so we thought it best to send the older with the younger.
    I scream at my kids all the time to study like crazy and push to make it to the very best University they can get into.Thanks G.D my husband has put aside enough money for any of the kids to go to any Ivy league college they can get into.
    Sorry the colleges were off topic but I feel as moms we get so wrapped up in our own lives that we sometimes forget and don’t have energy to devote to our children.For several yrs I let myself get wrapped up in my husbands polygamy lies and became focused on him that I eventually I started seeing I was loosing focus on my kids and that became my HUGE Wake up call as a mom.
    It is most important to me personally that my kids are educated well and Pick decent loving spouses to share their lives with.This is my focus!

  • Jasmina

    December 31, 2015

    Well the co also has 2 kids with him and her family whom my husband respects a lot and she is the chosen one that his mom picked out for him and he does all his mom says. Mind you he has been a little stronger this marriage and I’m proud of the growth he has made through this ordeal. Him and I met during school and we have been inseparable since well till 2nd came along. he believes we are soul mates and no matter what happens will always come back together but that doesn’t mean he can leave me every time things get tough on the other side.

  • Jasmina

    December 31, 2015

    Gail I have a feeling that’s what is going on also… I don’t think she would be that direct though… I have read a message she sent him when he asked me to check his voicemail on his business phone and it went something like… I want to leave you and end this but I love you so much and I want our old life back love you Yada yada. She is very very very smooth and sly and my husband is easily swayed. She has a way of causing problems and coming out clean. he lent me an old phone that has a message from her saying she is over this. Him and I are doing good compared to 3months ago. We hardly fight now. There are disappointments but we are civil. Yet he is more stressed than ever so I can only guess something is going on. Yes Gail she does have leverage and that’s my husbands mother who hates me.. We have been remarried almost 2 years but living together just over a year.

  • Jasmina

    December 31, 2015

    Lol Ana yes darn autocorrect

  • Jasmina

    December 31, 2015

    Thanks Spirited. Yes I agree that an agreement should be upheld also specially when it comes to marriage but men have if ferment ideas

    Sometimes I just feel like throwing the towel and giving up on this marriage. Likes it’s not normal and it’s too much trouble and tears. How hard is it for a man to get home before 11pm even on his holiday break argh I feel like I’m just a doormat. I hate this.anyway alhamdulillah

  • Gail

    December 31, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I have thought about your situation and this is what I feel is going on.U have only been remarried 6 months is this correct? My gut feeling in light of what u have said seems to point towards this…. Your cowife is not happy about him remarrying u she did not want u back and she is causing problems between him and her to get rid of u.It is very possible she has told him straight up to either get rid of u or she is leaving him.Something is up on her side is my sincere guess.U better talk to your husband and ask him to level with u what is going on.
    Jasmina Does your cowife have enough power over your husband that she could demand him divorce u again and he is using the excuse of not having more children to get rid of u so he won’t loose her? I am just throwing this out there because this exactly something I could see a vengeful cowife doing.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    See, that’s what I’m talking about funny- “kisspelt” your name lol

  • Jasmina

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman… Oh I spelt your name wrong also. My apologies.

  • Jasmina

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman… Oh I kisspelt your name also. My apologies.

  • Jasmina

    December 30, 2015

    Thanks Taslymin

    I appreciate your kind words. You get how hard it is. Alhamdulillah we have been blessed with one and inshaAllah we will be blessed with more. I am putting my trust on Allah and hope to make lots of dua.

    It must be hard having a co with so many kids… But that shouldn’t take away from you or your daughter. At first I would try to do Peter with my co’s lifestyle but no way not anymore… She is a bore and rigid and a pain in the butt. I like no routine, I like to be spontaneous and to do things that serve my family a benefit. When my husband is on board with how I am running our household I am sure he will appreciate it as he is a lot like me. I’m very ambitious and like to volunteer and he is the same. She on he other hand does nothing and has never done much. By her age I had achieved 10x more than her and my husband loves that about me. Lol he sometimes asks me if I make up stories about my experiences that I share with him but I told him no I just have an interesting life.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    I moved the post that Gail wrote to Tasliyman over to the “Marry Pakistani Male”

    Comment to Tasliyman in case you were wondering where it went 🙂

  • Jasmina

    December 30, 2015

    Thanks Gail lol I don’t think I have the energy to follow him around, thing is he walks everywhere so it’s hard. But yes anyway it’s not allowed to have suspicion in our religion and two wrongs don’t make a right so I would rather he get punished is he is doing wrong and I just sit back and let him… I don’t think he is cheating, I mentioned if he would take a third wife and he almost had a heart attack thinking about all the responsibility… He is soo stressed I think with two.

    Ana I think you are right he is getting tired. I have decided to wait until he is more stable in this polygamy thing and hoping that I can be positive and supportive. I will bring it up about having more children in another 6 months if our situation improves. Gail I don’t want to be back and forward in our marriage, it’s unhealthy. I thought about what life was like when I was divorced and it waes hard finding a suitable partner that in the end I went back to my ex. If he insists on no children and doesn’t improve our Married life the I will have to move on because it’s too much… It’s lonely with him away so much. He has a new job so I hope that will mean he can get home earlier once he starts that job in about 2 months.

    It’s very strange as he has always loved kids and wanted lots. So if it’s not that he is overwhelmed then I would say the 2nd has something to do with it. Like eg. He never says he loves he but will find other ways to tell me how he cares or if I ask him if he loves me he immediately says of course. He just don’t say the words and I feel the other wife maybe made him agree to not saying these words to me… She has him pretty tied by the you know what but he would never see it, though it’s obvious. When I came back into the marriage he had changed so much and was so uptight about everything and applying new rules and ideas into our home which was not him at all, it’s taken time for him to loosen up again a little. I think she probably told him he can’t have more kids with me if he married me again. And their marriage seems shaky as he is beyond stressed most times so prob doesn’t want to shake that boat more. But it’s unfair if that is what’s going on because who is she to make decisions about my life.

    I see what you mean Ana about the baby wars… It’s not like that. I have been a single mom and it’s tough, children are not a game. I want to have children period. I am clucky at the moment too. I wish my children to be close in age also.

    His reason for no more children was financial reasons… Which doesn’t add up because he has a very good profession and though he was out of it for a while he is back in and I expect he will earn a fair bit. I don’t know if he told the other wife to not have more kids but she did tell me years ago she only wanted 2. If she is playing these games in the hope that I would throw the towel and leave she is very mistaken. She recently threatened me told me she will make sure things will not end well for me… This was after I refused to let her take my child without even asking me or telling me where.

    I love what you say Ana that this life is not Jannah. I need to remember that. So yes I will do my best and explore all options with the life I currently have and see what happens next.

    Wouldn’t it be great if he agreed to one more and I fell pregnant with twins hahaha.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Gail,

    I didn’t notice any errors. I just read. Unless I come across an error that is funny and makes me laugh. Just as long as we get our points across, it’s all that matters, my friend.

  • Mary Lamb

    December 30, 2015

    @ Gail

    I am commenting on your statement regarding intuition. I feel totally off balance because I need to investigate a situation for myself to clarify the truth so I know if I should trust my instincts or accept I am crazy due to jealousy.

    I am too arrogant or proud to say I am wrong, or right, but all signs point to I am correct on my thoughts. now once I am able to get the truth…. and it’s really bad, I will only be able to keep it to myself. but I guess it will be a plus to say “trust your intuition”.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2015

    Ana,

    Yeah if u can read through all my errors.Normally I am in a hurry dealing my husband and 3 kids and all that entails so when i do have time I have to sit and type fast.Sooo Sorry for all my typos alot of times I just don’t have the time to go back to reread what I wrote.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Gail,

    The post you wrote to Tasliyman is EXCELLENT about why you are on the blog. Is it okay for me to move it to the Pakistan man beware thread/post? I don’t have a way to duplicate it, but I can move it. I think it definitely needs to be there.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman,

    I am sorry i spelled our name wrong!

    I don’t know why u feel so awkward u or your cowife have done nothing wrong.I think is a blessing they are laughing at the awkwardness.I think before u have an Eid lunch though if u ever decide to do such a thing WHICH I THINK U SHOULD!lol
    U should invite your cowife out to lunch.If u think about it logically u both r women why can’t u be friends? We as women universally seem to think my HUSBAND my man my personal property and any women that comes sniffing around him is an ENEMY and she must DIEEEE a horrible death!! LOL ok maybe not that bad but dang close haha we have to as women STOP this nonsense.
    If u don’t like your cowife or have NOTHING in common with her then it is ok to keep your distance but if u are both Muslims and have everything in common then why not befriend and help each other after all u r family in every sense of the word.For heaven sakes your children are brothers and sisters how much closer a person needs to be.
    Anyway this is my take on your situation and I think u r crazy not to at some point allow a good hearty try.I think it is wonderful your husband wants to include u WOW u got it made girl as much as I can tell from the little that u wrote.Your husband might be an ogre I don’t know but as much sa I can tell if he is trying to include u then that is a really awesome thing.G.D bless him for that u r very lucky most women would love to have that opportunity.U r truly lucky and blessed.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman,

    I doubt I’d be ready to interact like that, as well, if I were you. As you said, it would be an awkward situation. I believe in keeping things simple. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bare. We put the additional burden on ourselves. I certainly get with what you’re saying about feeling excluded. We can feel a certain way and know what the feeling is and what we’re dealing with. You don’t need to rush into anything you’re not ready for. It’s all good.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2015

    Ana,

    If the Quran says not to be suspicious and Jasmina is a Muslim then for sure she should follow the Quran and not look.As u know I am not Muslim and I can only think logically I have done in the past when I thought my husband was up to No good.I will be honest everytime I had suspicions about my husband they came out to be true.I think that is why G.D gives us that inner voice and brain to go with to investigate.I certainly understand not to falsely accuse anyone of anything and I totally agree with that but for me personally my gut instinct has always been right on point anytime I thought something was not right.
    Again I agree with u if Quran says not to do it and Islam is your religion then it is best a person follows their religious book regarding their belief system.
    I do hope Jasmina gets to the root of what is going on with her husband and why he has changed towards her.

  • Tasliyman

    December 30, 2015

    @Ana

    I’ve discussed how I feel on numerous occasions. As always he remembers for a while, make a very obvious effort but then forgets and goes back to his old ways.

    He’s been hinting at having joined gatherings for a few years already. I never really took note of it and just told him he’s being silly as co will never allow it and I wouldn’t put myself into such an awkward situation unnecessarily.

    Although the two families live in peace and everyone has kind of adapted to the changes, co and I never sees or speak to each other. There’s been the odd encounter where we were in close proximity ( like walking pass each other in a shopping mall) we both just avoid each other and carry on.

    I was under the impression that this is what it’s always going to be like and I didn’t have a problem with it. I don’t do the whole fighting and confrontational thing.

    When his children started hinting about having joined Eid lunch i pretended to not catch on.

    After a very awkward encounter with co recently he mentioned something which made me realise that she no longer reacts to me the way she did. Turns out she (and the kids) were laughing at the awkwardness of the situation. (I expected a full blown tantrum). Turns out I’m the only one that wanted to faint and wished I was anywhere else on this planet but in that spot at that time.

    I’ve come a long way over the pass few weeks but I don’t see myself being ready to interact with her any time soon.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You went into spam for some reason or another. I thank Allah that He let me check the Spam queue and I found your posts there. I have no idea why they went there. Insha Allah, I’ll check daily to make sure we don’t miss any.

    I have to go back and read them now. Alhumdulliah you were able to stop in .

    You have a safe and Happy New Year too. Happy 2016!!! Insha Allah, it will be the best new year ever. Yeah baby!!!!

  • Spirited

    December 30, 2015

    Salaam all,

    I finally got to a laptop again, lol. I’m thinking my comments don’t go through on my phone from here.

    In any case!

    @Fatima, I’m so sorry to hear about the lies and all the heartache you had to deal with. These desi men seem to have to lie just like the rest of us have to breathe. It’s great that you were able to handle things and set yourself to move on.

    @Jasmina, it’s certainly not good if you and your husband had already discussed the children situation before getting back together and now he’s being mean about it. It’s not like there’s a specific right to have a certain number of children, but if there’s an agreement, you would expect the other person to uphold their end, or at least discuss it instead of giving what sounds like a one-sided ultimatum. I can kiiiind of see what Gail is getting at, but no one can say for certain. Maybe you can clarify some things up.

    For everyone starting over and looking for a husband, might I suggest that you try inquiring in the community or mosque? People that know you may be able to point out men who are also looking for a wife and meetings could be setup to see how that goes. I feel like there’s a better chance of finding someone decent that way. Of course there’s online marriage sites too, but I found it distressing to see how many men are trolling marriage sites only after casual sex and not marriage. Not to mention the sheer amount of lying and deceit. Then again, I think we’ve learned a thing or two about the tricks these men use — or at least we might notice a warning sign after going through the trials we have!

    @Ana, I hope you enjoy the cake, lol Have a safe New Year’s everyone!

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman,

    Have you explained to your husband that it makes you sad that you don’t have a large family to have celebrations and fun times together with and that it hurts you you to hear the details of what took place at the co’s gathering that you weren’t a part of? Is it possible for you to attend with him and all be as a family. Regardless, ask Allah to give you peace when he goes and to allow you to have no ill feelings in your heart about it. I truly believe that if you take it to Allah, and keep wanting to be accepting, it will soon happen. Your husband will go and you’ll feel nothing negative about it. You will feel joyful in your heart

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for the beautiful post. Thank you for letting us know that you read daily. Thank you much for sharing some of what you’ve been going through. I’m sure it makes jasmina feel better knowing she is not alone on this planet, dealing with the situation. Others are experiencing it as well. Alhumdulliah! Funny thing – when I went to Hajj, there was a Pakistani couple (most of the group was Pakistani) who were at odds with each other. They were quite young and had no children. She wanted some, but he didn’t. The word about it was out in the group. One could see and sense the tension between them. As we should know, the problem is not just a polygamous one. It happens in monogamous marriages as well.

    Don’t feel badly that Satan jumps on you every now and again. The little devil does it to us all. He messes with everyone who is trying to stay on the Straight path. The wonderful thing for you is that you recognize it. Many people don’t. You have eyes that can actually see.

    As you stated, KNOWING that everything is Allah’s decree, it’s His decision, will let you come out a winner. Your husband is saying that he wants no more children or only one more. Although it’s your husband who is saying it, he could be the vehicle delivering your test. Allah says in the Holy Quran that He tests us by way of others. Allah tests us with what means most to us. Having a child is important to you and jamina and you can’t fulfill your desire. How will you deal with it, if it is a test? Will you be angry with your husband, continuing to blame him, be very unhappy, be sad and depressed etc or will you realize that it’s Allah who is pulling the strings, as though we are puppets. It’s on us. No one can make us believe.

    We don’t always get what we want in this world. If we are Believer, whatever we don’t get here on this planet that is good, we will get all that we want in the Hereafter (Jannah/Paradise). Jannah is most important.

  • Tasliyman

    December 30, 2015

    Aslm Ladies

    @Jasmina

    I do feel for you. Whatever the reasons behind your husband’s decision is, I know how devastating this must be to you.

    My husband has 5 children with his first wife. When he married me we discussed having children. I’ve always said I wanted four children but I agreed to have two when I married him. He is a really good father to his children.

    Algamdulillah, after five years of marriage we have a beautiful daughter who’s just the absolute light in my life. Before her birth I was worried that he would not really connect with her as he probably only agreed to have a child for my sake. But they are totally crazy about each other.

    I long to have another child (more actually but I’ll settle for one more) however the time is just never right (according to him) and I don’t want it to be a one-sided decision.

    With their big family they regularly have family gatherings with birthdays etc. and I’m left all on my own. For some reason my husband always find the need to tell me about what a lovely time it was and how everybody is doing great. He doesn’t get that I feel like an outsider looking in to the family that I always dreamed of having and probably will never have.

    As Ana has pointed out in previous posts, we will receive what is set out for us by Allah, and if it has not been set out for us by Allah we will not receive it.

    I try to find peace in this and acceptance but sometimes Shaytaan still finds his way into my head and jealously and all sorts of other nasty stuff find its way back into my life. I do realise that I should be grateful for what I have (and I am Algamdulillah).

    Anyway, my point is that I empathise with your situation as I have a pretty good idea of how you are probably feeling. I hope that you are able to discuss the matter with your husband and that you are able to reach a solution to your situation.

    Ana, Gail & Ummof4

    I want to thank you for taking the time to answer everybody’s questions on this blog. Your insights and advice are really helpful. Although I don’t always contribute I can assure you that I am checking in on a daily basis to get my reminders to living a happy life

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Gail,

    The reason I’m not going to go there with jamina’s – that her husband possibly may be cheating on her is because it’s one thing (Suspicion) that we are warned against in the Holy Quran. In the Quran, it’s mentioned that some suspicion is a sin. jasmina has to have four witnesses to him having done anything such as it. She has to have some indication other than mere suspicion that he may be “cheating”, so I don’t think she should go there. She doesn’t have any type of evidence. I don’t think she should go looking for any either. What she doesn’t know can’t hurt her. If he’s doing something that he shouldn’t and Allah wants jasmina to know, He’ll reveal it to her.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2015

    Gail,

    I don’t know. Some of these men are quick to say to their wives that if they don’t like it they could leave. It’s a terrible thing, if a man is flippant and says it often without a care. I could understand that if they’ve been married for quite a while and there seems to be no pleasing the wife, he would say he would let her go and not give her a problem. I think it is the case with jasmina’s husband. jasmina, herself, says she has been through a lot with him. He knows it. He probably is tired of seeing her hurting. Men who truly love their wives will rather see them leave and be with someone else than to see them constantly hurting. Her husband may know he cannot give jasmina what she wants and is willing to let her go without a fight. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. It sounds to me that he is just very tired.

    She’s going to have to figure out what she wants to do. Stay, put up and shut up or leave. Life is not going to be what we want it to be all the time. This life is not Paradise/Jannah. So everyone needd to stop trying to make it that way and stop wanting it to be that way because it CAN’T be. Men are not super beings. If a Muslim woman can’t wrap her head around what is said in the Quran about tests, trials, rewards and punishment etc then her life on this earth is going to be a living Hell. It’s only when a woman submits her will to the will of Allah that she will have ease, peace and contentment on this planet. If we submit our will to Allah we have NO will. Allah promises are true. He promises the Believer the good in this world and in the Hereafter. The person has to become a believer first. I have found all that Allah says to be true. Life on this planet can be beautiful. We first have to learn that this life is not about us. If we make it about us, we will have a miserable existence. It’s about Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Gail,

    You are absolutely correct. I think these young girls here should know more than they know. I totally forget that many of them aren’t American, as well. I forget that they haven’t dated and been around the block LOL. Many were virgins when they married. Life for women in Muslim countries just isn’t what it is for American women. My wali and I were talking about it today. I was telling him about the women in other countries being seen as spoiled goods, if they aren’t virgins and they aren’t seen marital material. He was cracking up. He said it’s not that way in America. He said a woman could have had sex with 100 men and men are still willing to marry them, love them and fight for them. He said a woman in the US could be married, go sleep with another man, come home and say she’s sorry and he’s back loving her as though nothing happened. He’s just happy she is home. I love America. People let people be what they want to be. Allah is the one they have to account to. Allah didn’t tell us to Lord over others. As I said before, there are crimes and punishment outlined in the Quran. Other than it, leave people the heck alone. We need to mind our own business. It’s why the Muslim countries are in the predicament they are in. Everyone want to be BOSS and tell others what to do. They need to mind their own friggin business.

    About your Indian friend on FaceBook, he is no friend. I wouldn’t take to what he said lightly. In fact, I’d tell him to kiss my royal @$$. Don’t fall asleep on him. He is no good. What he said about white women, he meant it. It was not said as a joke. The Baroness Warsi (Muslim) from Pakistan said it all in the article that I put the link to on the Pakistani thread. Those men see the women as second class. They use them. You know if they look for virgins to marry, they look for white women to have sex with and to get citizenship.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    Hopefully Jasmina will fill us in on her situation more when she gets to her computer I like your idea of her calmly asking him although he surely knows G.D will provide from the Quran because I have heard my own saying that so it must be a popular verse.Lets see but how this plays out but for sure I smell a rat either with the cowife or the hubby cheating around is my guess because he flat told her he is willing to let her go like she is nothing to him.I don’t even know Jasmina personally and I want to beat him up for her.LOL

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    U got that right girl I have heard them say it.Now of course u and I r older and we have lived long enough to be able to sum up a situation pretty fast and be pretty on target but I think these younger girls have a really hard time to discern between what there husband tells them and what is really going on.I know I was early 30s when I went into my marriage with my husband and man was I ignorant to his lying ways.I will say this life sure has a way of slapping people awake.
    I wanted to share something with u that I really got me furious.I have this male friend on FB from India that lives in St Louis and today out of nowhere he started talking bad about American white women and called me out on FB.Man it really went through me that he wold call me out like that talking crap.He actually said that white women are worthless and unless u r going to use one for a greencard or get one pregnant they r worthless to marry.This really shocked me because i have chatted with this guy on private chat and he seemed like a really decent guy but obviously not.I don’t know if it is because I am just hypersensitive with Fatima going through this with her India exhusband but man it sure struck a chord with me. I felt like punching him in the face.lol
    Instead of arguing with him though I told him I thought he was a decent guy but oh well.He seems like a good son to his dad from the pics he posted so I am sure he has some good quality in him and thanks to let me know his feelings I guess it is good to know for educational purposes.lol This man is like 45 to 50 range he is not a young kid but this sure seems to be what India and Pakistani men think about white women.I tell u one thing if I end up divorcing my husband it would be a cold day in hell before I married an India or Pakistani man again and I mean a COLD DAYYYY!

  • jasmina

    December 29, 2015

    i will explain as soon as i get on a computer. my phone drives me nuts

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Gail,

    Really? “go through women like they change underwear”. But, no, seriously, it’s the truth. It bugs me out when a woman comes to this blog and says her husband is polygamous and has divorced several women and keep remarrying or looking for more wives. They give excuse such as he had to divorce all the wives because they were worked over by black magic or something or another. They go along with the excuses the men come up with for getting rid of the wives and are constantly searching for more. HELLO!!! it’s marriage and it comes with problems. At least give the marriage more than a month. It’s totally unbelievable. You can’t make this stuff up.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    jasmina stated that her husband said he doesn’t want anymore kids. He said he doesn’t want to bring an unwanted child into the world. Okay, I get it. He doesn’t want anymore children. What reason did he give jasmina for not wanting another child? It shouldn’t be about money because if he is a “Believer” he believes that Allah provides. Allah will give them the means to provide for the family. Usually a husband will say he should have no more kids, and gives a reason for it. Jasmina needs to calming sit down with her husband and ask him WHY he is doesn’t want her to have any more children. Did he tell the other wife not to have anymore as well? We don’t have all the facts. It’s a problem when we are given bits and pieces here and there of the puzzle.

    jasmina hasn’t given any information that leads me to suspect her husband is messing around on the two of them. Anything is possible.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Gail,

    You make a very good, valid point that women want children. Some women want many children. If a man is going to be POLYGAMOUS, he should expect that there is a likelihood that all of his wives will have children. They may or they may not have many. He should be prepared for them to have a lot. If the man wants none or maybe wants only one, for instance, his @$$ should remain monogamous or marry a woman/women who he knows wants no children.

    It crossed my mind that jasmina’s other wife may have asked him to agree that neither she, nor jasmina will have any more children. Maybe the co doesn’t want anymore, but she wants to make sure she has one over jasmina. The co may be willing to be satisfied with the two that she has, but wants to make sure jasmina will have only the one. In such a case, the co will have leverage. The co will feel superior to jasmina because she (the co) has more children. Jasmina may be onto it, which is where a baby war may come into play. I’m not saying that jasmina and the husband didn’t years ago agree that they’d have 5 or 6 kids. I’m talking about today. Yesterday doesn’t count.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    So lets cut to the chase u r basically saying men are Whores. Yeah I would agree with that! U really our correct that some men seriously go through women like they change underwear it is so disgraceful because a obviously when a man chooses Polygamy he has to understand with that choice comes a large family 99.9% of the time.I don’t know why men think they have to collect women/have sex with women like trophies.It blows my mind!It’s ok for them to treat their wives like crap but let this same crap happen to his mother or sister and listen to them scream like a pig!!LOL

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    I agree with u that Jasmina has the odds stacked against her to get her husband to agree to have more children.I don’t see how it is fair that one wife gets to have 6 kids while the other wife gets to have 1 child.There is nothing fair and just in that to me.I get where u r saying he might not have known before marriage how having kids would affect him but again not buying that in jasmina’s case.I smell a rat here big time and either her cowife has flat told him NO MORE KIDS or he is cheating on his wives this is my sincere thinking in this case.
    However I do see where u r right in general to where wives will complain so much about things including having more kids etc… that the husband does get sick of it and just says do what u want or says he wants a divorce.
    What is going on with Jasmina is very sad and I feel just horrible for her that she is in this pickle with her husband and now has to put in the situation of actually contemplating a divorce.I truly believe G.D gave us the gift of having children and it is just not normal to tell a woman she can’t have more than one child.Dang even China figured out this is a wrong concept and lifted it’s one child ban to allow two children.I smell a RAT I tell Ya!!! lol

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Then the women have all these kids and devote all their time to caring for the kids. The man (husband) gets no attention and no good loving. Then he moves on to wife number 2 to get attention and good lovin; she has babies. He then moves on to wife number 3 for attention and good lovin; she has babies. He then moves on to wife number 4 for attention and good lovin. Then he’s used up all the number of wives he can have. He then begins divorcing them one by one and add more.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Then you’ve got the women who want to engage in a “baby war”. They battle to see which one of the wives could push out the most babies, which one can have the most boys. The man ends up with 20 kids

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    jasmina,

    It sounds your husband has given it a lot of thought to say he wants no more children. He said if you have the child it will be unwanted. Men know their feelings about children. Men have been known to leave pregnant wives. Some people mistakenly believe a child will keep the man in the relationship. It isn’t necessarily so.

    Your husband may have agreed with you at the time that you and he could have 5 or 6 children. He couldn’t, however, predict the future. He probably didn’t know he’d become polygamous. He has three children now. He may feel that three is enough and all he can handle. As people get older they lose their patience easier and don’t have the tolerance that they once had.

    I totally understand how upsetting it is to you that your husband isn’t willing to fight for the marriage. He is willing to let you go. You need to understand that men can get worn down. Women don’t realize that when a husband who has more than one wife takes a beating from all of them, it tires him out. You could say, all well and good. It’s what he gets. Well, no, because the wives end up with a lifeless, tired, down trodden, weary, sad and depressed husband who has no more fight in him. What good does a person like that do a woman? Your husband may be absolutely tired of you and his other, tired of trying to pacify you both. He sounds to be throwing up his hands and saying, “to Hell with it all.”

    Some people may not like what I say because it sounds as though I’m siding with the men. Well, think what you want. I just happen to know a little something, something with all I hear on this blog and all I know of people I’ve come in contact with over the years and all the books that I’ve read about relationships. I’m telling you, if you want to read some good books about relationships, check out Dr. John Gray, PHD

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    jasmina,

    You said you don’t know how long it will take you to find another husband. Well, I could tell you one thing, it may take longer for you to convince your current husband to have another child with you than it will take you to find another husband.

    There are many men looking for a wife. If you look in the US or a European country, you may have an easier time finding a man to marry than if you look for a husband from a Muslim country. Most men in Muslim countries deal in culture (I’m not talking Islam, I’m talking culture). Many so called “Muslim” men from Muslim countries look for a teenie bopper baby virgins to marry. They don’t follow Islam. Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married older women, divorce women and widows. He is our example.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Jasmina,

    Unless u and your cowife talk and get along and compare notes then I think it would be to hard for either of u ladies to figure out on your own simply because he is not with u the majority of the time and u can’t account for his time when he is not with u.If it were me and u drive I would follow him (there is no shame in my game and I would figure it out but that is just me) I figure it and not feel one bit guilty about it.If he is innocent them no harm done and if he is guilty then u won’t feel bad leaving the dog.
    I am not normally one to follow men around BUT if u r double minded thinking about divorce then I feel it is reasonable to investigate him.If u can afford it hiring a private investigator is also an option.
    Jasmina If my husband told me that he didn’t want more kids with me out of the blue I would feel hurt,rejected and for sure unloved.
    one thing u mentioned is that u have remarried him I would make certain u really want to leave him because u don’t want to set yourself up for a lifetime of being a yoyo (bouncing back and forth) U know what I mean?

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Fatima,

    That’s right. Don’t take him back under any condition or circumstance. I always go back to the saying that Gail refers to. Gail heard Maya Angelou say on the Oprah show –

    Polygamy 411

    There is nothing he could say or do that should make you think for one minute about taking him back. I don’t think your mother raised a FOOL. You have too much sense for that. He did you a favor, Fatima.

  • jasmina

    December 29, 2015

    gail how could i tell if he has an agenda? he would mever say that or admit it. if it is the case then i will just leave.

    Fatima sorry to hear about your marriage. some men have no heart

  • jasmina

    December 29, 2015

    that is how i feel about it but i dont want to bring a child that will be rejected by his father ibto this world. he said he would be an unwanted child. it hurts me just hearing it. it also hurts me to know he doesnt love me enough to want to keep our marriage. he said he has hurt me too much and accepts the blame but will not take the blame for me not having kids. tho for 15 years since we met we always discussed having 5 or 6 kids. we had 1 then goes and has more to tell me no more kids. i will say that we even discussed this before our remarriage. he said yes but wanted to wait a year and next month or tomorrow but now says he doesnt want to give me false hopes anymore. gail its not about sex because that is almost nonexistent. so i dont know. i am almost 30 and i think its unfair that after all we have through he tells me this and seems unwilling to compromise. every other time i have sacrificed for him and given up on what i wanted but this time if he cannot change his mind i will leave. mainly because i cannot take his selfishness and double standards anymore. i feel unloved as it is but this is it for me. its not easy to leave as though men will be lining up to marry me and it will probably be years before finding a good man. that is why i want to try to make him change his mind. i feel sickened by this. i am willing to comrpomise and have 1 or 2 more if Allah wills.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Ana,

    I understand where u are coming from about men telling their wives they don’t want more children but I just am not so certain a man has that right to do such a horrid thing to his wife after they are married.To me that is like the ultimate in selfishness.I can understand a wife not wanting to have more children if she thought it to painful or can’t deal the responsibilities of being a full time caretaker to the child with a part time husband but I something don’t sit right with me that the man can take up to 4 wives and then tell any wife he chooses he has decided to not have more kids after already having a child.It is like he let her have one child to torture her/keep her stuck with him because of the one child.Then u compound that with him taking her virginity so if she does divorce then she will have a hard time finding another man to marry her and take her with a child.This is just cruel from my perspective.
    He had been married before he knew what he was doing when he married Jasmina and he should have stated his intentions that time to Jasmina and her family is how i see it.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Fatima,

    Yeah for sure he could have been trying to play both sides of the fence.It is good though u figured out.Even if say u did go back to him u would go back with open eyes which in both cases is very good.I hope u don’t go back to him but it is sooo nice to see everything clear with open eyes.Don’t feel guilty about anything that went down u tried with the creep and he is getting what he deserves.Just make sure he keeps up with the mortgage payments on the house.U got the last laugh for sure.Just keep your emotions turned off around him and u will be fine.Also if u want to rub salt in the wound when u see him coming around act happy and laugh the more u act like the separation is not bothering u the more it will mentally disturb him.Even be nice to him to really rub it in so he sees what a fool he is.LOL If I were u this is your very good chance to rub his nose all in his $h!t!!! hahahahah Take advantage have fun with it when u r at the store and he comes around. In the meantime start looking for another husband since u don’t like the idea of being single.Not sure if u will date or how u will go about it but for sure let Mr India see u getting on with your life.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I see it a little different than Ana does.I believe most people get married to have children.I mean logically speaking why did he marry u?Just for sex? I mean u have sex u have kids thats the natural order of things.I personally don’t believe in stopping babies from coming because they are all miracles from G>D.Now in saying this if a person has several kids and they can’t afford more then one must think to be careful around ovulation time but in saying that your husband is being very selfish and who died and made him G.D that he gets to call all the shots in the marriage.NO WAY is how I see it and I would not take this lying down.This really is a make or break it thing and I would fight him on this topic if i were u.I always say u have to pick and choose your battles to fight well this is a fighting battle for certain.
    If I were u I would tell him straight u thought about and u will be having more children and u r not getting a divorce.U both took the marriage vows and he is going to live up to his end of the stick.He did not tell u all this crap before marriage so he don’t get to dictate after.I would tell him straight.On this topic I would tell him he can bite my fat @$$ to be frank! U tell him however u like but i would for sure tell my husband exactly like that and knowing my husband he would back way down real fast.
    I am going to be honest before u go barking at him about this baby business u better take a good hard look and make sure something else is not going on like his using not having more children and he will give u a divorce etc… sounds like to me he is trying to get rid of u so again like i said before u open your mouth investigate and see if he is wanting a divorce.
    A man that loves his wife would never tell her not to have more children.That is the one tie that binds.Even when i hate my husbands guts we both can see the kids goofing off and smile at them knowing that is are tie together.Dang I am sure he loves your child and to say he don’t want more little bundles of your child around COME ON NOW!!! Something fishy going on here I smell a Rat! Make certain he is not messing around on u wives.

  • ~Fatima~

    December 29, 2015

    Gail.. you are so right about the reason he is not telling 2nd cousin about me..
    I gave up on it.. it was pointless to keep asking.. He said give him time but 6 months is too much.. I beleive his plan was to get her pregnant and send her back to India.. but shes not getting pregnant… so, hes up shit creek… I wouldnt take him back if he tried because like you said hes a slithering snake and full of lies and deceit.. I learned alot from him..
    Thanks for all the advice..

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    Gail,

    It is sooooo true. Many of the men whom we read about on this blog use polygamy for immigration purposes only. They have no more desire for polygamy than wanting to have a whole in their heads.

    The beauty of polygamy would have been, for instance, what Fatima did. She gave up her legal marriage license so the husband could bring his other wife to the States. A decent, moral man would have stayed married to both wives, supported them, loved them and considered them all family.

    The rotten men whom we hear about only want one wife. They use the other wife to gain an advantage for themselves, the other wife and their families. They could give two cents about the other women whom they use and abuse. It’s not about polygamy.

  • anabellah

    December 29, 2015

    jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I could imagine how hurt you feel that your husband doesn’t want to have any more children. At least you have one together, unlike Aisha who has none and her husband doesn’t want any with her. He said he had enough with the two that he has with his other wife. If you had no children with your husband and he said he didn’t want any more, it would be a different story. He hasn’t deprived you of the right to have children, just the right to have more.

    Children are something a man and woman should discuss before marriage, so they’d know they are compatible. They need to be on the same page, playing from the same sheet of music. It becomes a problem when the couple are in the marriage and find out they have opposite desires about having children. Your husband isn’t being selfish at all. He simply said he wants no more children and if you want more you can leave him. He said he won’t stand your way of leaving.

    It’s what I speak of when I talk of the orphans and men becoming polygamous (if they can’t be fair and just with the orphans, than marry only one (be monogamous). Men know whether they like children or not. Many people fail to realize it, and don’t understand it. Many children on the planet are abused daily by people who don’t like children. A man know whether he want children or not. He knows whether he wants to be bothered with another man’s children or not.

    Your husband is a smart man to know he wants no more children instead of going along with you and have them only to mistreats them (not want to be bothered with them or show them no love etc). He could marry another woman without children to get away from it all – to have the peace he desires.

    You have an option. Stay with him and be content in your marriage to him with one child. Otherwise you could divorce, take your child, move on, remarry and, Insha Allah have more children.

    Keep in mind that Allah determines who has children and who doesn’t. Only Allah knows the future. You could stay married to your husband, become pregnant without intending to, have the baby and your husband accepts it. On the other hand you could become pregnant, your husband resents you for it and he divorces you. He could tell you to abort it. Who knows

  • jasmina

    December 29, 2015

    salam all
    i really need some help. my husband revealed he wants no more children. we have 1 and he has more with the 2nd but i want more. he said he is being honest and if i leave him then its my right. i feel so heartbroken and cheated.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Fatima,

    I made some spelling errors tried to fix them but it got sent for moderation before i could fix.

  • Gail

    December 29, 2015

    Fatima,

    U getting a Quit Claim Deed sounds like something I would do.I think it is great u had enough foresight to protect yourself and your daughters.Don’t feel bad the idiot didn’t have to sign it.Really i think it is so awesome he tried to screw u but he got screwed himself.hahahaha I wonder how he explains all this to the new wifey! lol
    Listen I been thinking about what u said about u being a revert not to mention an American woman(just tossing that in there myself) u were willing to accept Polygamy and his two India wives were not willing.Here is the thing these men do this crazy @$$ $h!T stuff all in the name of Polygamy like they have it all figured out but it has nothing at all to do with real polygamy because it starts out as being used for immigration.What I mean is they never had any long term intentions with the American woman other than getting the easy Road to USA citizenship.That was a cheap shot telling u he wanted another wife because u 2 don’t have kids or u can’t have kids etc… U got pregnant if I remember correct and u were wanting that child.Right there is showed he never loved u in my book to say such a $h!t thing to u after u had the miscarriage.He went and got another wife I mean really what a low blow! Another thing why is it so easy for him to tell u that he is going to do polygamy but not tell his cousin wifes? Why does he care so much about their feelings over the years and not yours? I don’t believe this was ever about polygamy for him it was about him using u to get what he wanted.I feel your pain because I went through the same crap! I honestly feel alot of men are playing the polygamy card with wives esp… foreign wives like us just to save their @sses and by themselves some extra time.I have a feeling he is going to try to come back crying to u and make excuses please don’t by into his nonsense.I think u r correct his first wife when she found out about u she divorced his @SS and I don’t blame her because she didn’t sign up for polygamy and he lied to her and was not straight with her and her family so I don’t blame her for hating him and taking her virginity and getting her pregnant.For her he is a walking nightmare and to be frank a Rapist in her mind I am pretty certain.
    With the second wife he would be a complete idiot to try to tell her about u after what went down with the first wife esp…. since she knows the entire story about u from the first wife which might be her cousin also although my thinking is he married on the opposite side of the family this time around(but i can’t be certain u might know) No the second wife and her family would have asked him straight if he was still married to u or if he had any future plans with u and he assured them he didn’t so no way no how he is ever going to tell his second wife because his ass would be dead in India if his second wife tells her family he is still mixed up with u understand? They would surely kill him no way he is getting off a second time with taking to virgin girls the second wife’s family will never allow that in my opinion. So he will lie to her about u until pigs fly that he has nothing to do with u and he was hoping to lie to u and keep u for sex and enjoyment etc..a secret wife is my thinking.At least that is what I think that was what he was trying to do.I really believe he will try to slither back around u again for booty calls just becareful he is a snake.He caused this mess by taking another cousin wife knowing full well he would have to leave u or keep u as a secret wife.He knew it he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.Tell him straight if he opens his fat mouth one time and I mean just one time about the house and having to make payments on home he no longer owns look him in the eye and tell him straight immigration marriages ain’t FREE!!

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima, good for you!!! You did good, girl. Don’t feel badly about anything. You are absolutely correct; he left everything. You have so much to be thankful for. It’s fantastic that thing are working out for you. The house is in your name and he has to pay the mortgage. Smart woman you are that you sought legal advice. You got it going on

    It’s good you’re out of the dumps now (not depressed as much). It was to be expected that you would be. You two were married a good long time. How are your girls doing?

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    awww you girls are all so great.. How could I have stayed away so long? Well I was really down and depressed for a long tine.. It took a lot out of me.
    I forgot ti mention that after we did the divorce papers when I realized he was not going to tell her about me, I went to an Attorney and had a quit claim deed drawn up that he surrender the house to me and he sigbed it.. But keep in mind in the divorce paper it says he has to pay the mortgage each month.. He was very upset about the quit claim deed and said he felt like he lost everything.. I said.. No.. you left it..

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    It could very well be his problem in that she can’t conceive. The two of them must be under a lot of pressure as a result of it. As you said, it’s not your problem. You’ve got two beautiful, lovely daughters. Get yourself free (completely divorced) and get back on that horse, as Gail said. Ride like the wind…

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    I know that’s right – you must be relieved to be free of the drama. Enough of crazy .

    Yeap, there are many born Muslims who were simply born of “Muslim” parents. You see I put the word Muslim in quotes. They call themselves Muslim. Many so called “born Muslims” dislike reverts. They dislike us with a passion due to their ENVY of us. They are embarrassed as well. They DON’T know their Islam, and take it out on us. They haven’t a clue. They envy that we reverts try to learn and live our religion. We know more than they do. They are full of shame and wish they had what we have.

    There is no other reason for them to dislike reverts other than envy and embarrassment. People only DISlike someone who hasn’t done a darn thing to them due to hatred and bitterness stemming from envy. It eats away at them and destroys them. They get obsessed with others and can’t function without the others being constantly on their minds. They live a miserable existence. It’s why I’m like – eat your heart out – to the people who hate me. Let it eat them alive. I sit back and laugh…

    Fatima, they hate us cuz they ain’t us LOL Did you watch the movie, “The Interview”? It was quite funny.

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    Gosh sorry my words did not make sense with this talk to text thing.. I was saying that habib took another wife to have a child but this new cousin has not gotten pregant and is having issues.. but habib also had some prostate issues himself.. so maybe Karma is working here somehow on him.. if this cousin cant have a child I wonder will he toss her away too?? If this was all about having a child I told him he should have stayed with the cousin who had his son, even though she could not come here..He should have stayed there with her.. but I dont think she wanted him after she found out he was married to me..
    To tell you the truth I am releived of this drama..

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    Yes,Ana… he said he divorce the first wife but I found out she divorce him because she found out he could not bring her here because he already had a wife.. whats strange to ne is, I was willing to accept a cowife and I am a converted muslim,but these 2 cousins dont seem to accept he has another wife and they are born muslims.. I beleive us afraid to tell the 2nd cousin because her family and her would be pissed.. She cannot get prgnant so far an that was his , he told me he wanted another wife I could not give him a child.. but he also is having some kind of prostate problem a few years back the Karma if it was him that could not have a child.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    I don’t blame u for not wanting to be alone.I think u will not have any problem finding a nice man to marry u are so kind and loving and have so much to offer the right kind of man.I know u r heart broken over your husband but he is a duchebag and u deserve a million times better than him.I would say since u know u want to be married again Don’t waste time get back on that horse and find u another husband.I love that saying There is no shame in my game! Be smart go find a older WIDOW man that will love u to pieces and stay away from the India and Pakistani men is my advice.If my marriage ever ends in divorce I am not going for another India or Pakistani man NO WAY!! Once burned twice shy! lol

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Ummof4,

    Dang girl u have a great way with words! I always wonder if I have wasted my life or should have taken a different road but it is true all roads lead to G.D for believers is how I need to look at it.What u said really hit home with me.We as women tend to think if a marriage don’t work out we wasted our time but in reality it was just a life and spiritual lesson that needed to be learned and when all roads lead back to G.D/Allah then u feel so much better and able to refocus more clearly.Thank You for pointing that out in such a sweet way!

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    What’s shakin? LOL I was thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. What’s the status of your marriage? Are you still living at your mom’s or did you resume your marriage. If you resumed your marriage, don’t feel ashamed to let us know. There is no shame in the game (I know. I could be silly sometimes) LOL I mean, I know it’s not easy to walk away from the one you love. We get a cooling off period and sometimes we go back to what feel safe and familiar. We can’t do anything until it’s time.

    Anyhow, what’s going on with you. Fill us in, if you feel comfortable in doing so.

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    Thankyou Beseema for your kind words. 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    I’m not sure I’m understanding correctly. Did he or did he not divorce the first wife/cousin a while back or were they still married? Is it correct that he would have brought the first wife/cousin here, but the date on the marriage license shows she was married to him while you were still married to him. He therefore went and got another cousin to marry and bring here.

    Keeping it all in the family is huge for Pakistani’s and apparently Indians too. It is sooooo not Islam.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I totally believe that the self-serving jerk thought that he could waltz in and out of your home whenever he pleased. Good for you that you changed the locks You don’t know how happy I am that you put in the divorce decree that he continues to pay the mortgage. Allah u Akbar! Allah took care of you.

    It’s good you’re making new friends. Believe that Allah could give you a husband far better than the one you had. You’ve got a lot going for you. Just make sure you continue to keep serving Allah and put Him first. All good will be for you here (in this world) and in the Hereafter.

  • Aisha

    December 28, 2015

    Asalaam’Alaikum ladies hope you’re well Insha’Allah Xxx

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    baseema, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s good to hear from you. You got that right that Fatima’s husband will pay for what he’s done. I don’t know how he could live with himself. Allah sees and knows all things. It’s way sad that someone who calls himself a “Muslim” could stoop so low to hurt a woman who was his wife for all those years, and stood by him through thick and thin.

    I agree that Fatima should seek out legal advice of an attorney to find out what her options are. Although the problem she will face is that she gave up legal rights by obtaining a legal divorce.

    As far as the business is concern, as you stated, maybe she could have him buy her out or something. I’d imagine she relies on the business and him for her livelihood. I definitely agree with you that she needs to seek legal counsel. I don’t think it’s healthy for her to continue to work with him.

    She is a very strong person to be able to speak with us about it. My heart goes out to her. She is a beautiful person inside and out.

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    Salam Alaikum ..
    Thankyou Ana,Gail, Ummof4 for all your kind words.. I am trying to move on, the best I can.. I did howver put in our divorce papers that he pay the mortgage.. 🙂
    Can you beleive he got mad when I had the locks changed at our house when he I saw he was not going to tell her about me..I guess he thought he could come and go as he pleaed??
    The first cousins family want nothing to do with him because he could not bring her here because then we were still legally married and they could bot change the marriage date so therefore it showed he was married to me at that time..
    We do still have our business together, and I still have to see him at work at times.. Makes me sad and angry at the same time.
    I am working and joined a new mosque an making new sister friends..
    Thankyou all for all your support. HIS brother is here illegally and I wish he would get caught and get sent back..
    Bad of my thoughts I know..
    Maybe one day I will meet a good muslim man.. My daughters will be going to college in a few years and I dont want to be alone…

  • baseema

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima, I am so sorry to hear that. He is selfish and disgusting. And the cousin he married deserves to know the truth. He just left you and your kids??? Unbelieveable! Please just keep away from him because I really believe he will get his someday and it won’t be pretty. Maybe you can get a lawyer to draw up some papers for him to buy you out of the business or vice versa and have the paperwork delivered to his door. He’s not worthy of your time or attention. He is really despicable. Ten years may have gone by, but thank God it’s not 20 or 30 or more. Maybe you can write a book, I bet it would be a bestseller here and in India! I think you must be doing okay if you are able to talk with us about it. You are strong and you will come out better for it. Tough times make good people.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Gail,

    I just read your post to Spirited. You said you’d only go back to Pakistan if, for instance, it got really bad here in the USA. How in the world could anything get so bad in the USA that Pakistan would be a safe haven??? LOL Brazil has got it’s issues too. I suppose every country does. When I first became Muslim and DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, I wanted to go live in a so called “Muslim” country. After I went to Hajj, I got a great appreciation for the United States. To me, it’s the best country on the planet. I don’t want to live anyplace else. I love America. 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    What happened to you so much resembles what happened with Gail. In the scenario Gail’s co would be you. Gail’s husband divorced Gail’s co legally, but kept the Islamic marriage. He then married Gail legally. Subsequently, he divorced the co Islamically, as well. Gail’s co, apparently thought by going along with the legal divorce, her husband would marry Gail, get citizenship, divorce Gail, (I suppose) marry the co legally again and she’d come to the US. The co and the husband’s plan didn’t go as they planned. We plot and we plan, but Allah is the Master Planner.

    I could only imagine how hurt you are that you, out of the goodness of your heart, being concerned for your co that the husband had divorced, gave your husband a legal divorce to help her out. He, instead, goes and marries a different cousin, brings her to the US and dismisses you. Many people don’t care how they use, abuse and hurt others.

    Of all the low down dirty things to do, he didn’t even tell her about you, and hasn’t. It’s sad that men who say they are Muslim engage in polygamy and hide and lie throughout it. For what reason? Polygamy should prevent a man having to do evil in the marriage. They just use polygamy for their own personal gain with no regard for the institution of marriage. Muslims are supposed to do better than it.

    You have a history of him lying and hiding things from you. Look at the time it took for you to get him to come clean about having a son. He lied and said he was married the woman because she got pregnant by someone else and he wanted to prevent the disgrace to the family that it would cause. Who knows if he when or if he will tell his other wife about you. You shouldn’t have to plead with him to do it.

    It’s good you have move on with your life. It sounds he may have used you for immigration. You’re not alone in that arena, as you already know. It’s a pattern with many of those men who marry cousins and live culture. It’s not about Islam at all.

    As ummof4 said, don’t think that you wasted any of your life. To think it means you think that you make things happen. If you can make things happen, why not make him tell her about you? Why not change what happened? You can’t. Now is the time to try to get yourself right with your Lord (Allah), if you did in fact accept Islam because of your belief in Allah. If you accepted Islam because your husband said he is “Muslim”, then it’s a different story. Only you know why you accepted Islam. You don’t need to tell us. If you accepted Islam for any other reason than your belief in Allah and wanting to serve Him, you could expect what comes with it. Allah is no ONE to be played with.

    We are here, if you want to talk. We are here for you.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Fatimah,

    I second what Ummof4 said. She said ALL that needs to be said and using few words. What a wonderful gift she has. DEFINITELY, Insha Allah, take her advice. I agree you should make your intent to get the Islamic divorce. Don’t try to get back with him. He is not worth it. He is not worthy of you.

  • ummof4

    December 28, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Malayekah, I too, love to iron. I also love to wash dishes and do laundry; just don’t ask me to cook. I am so glad that my children are all grown with families of their own. Some days I go to their houses to eat dinner after work. You seem to be doing well so far. Keep up the good work.

    Fatima, it saddens me to hear of your husband’s actions. However, I don’t believe you wasted 10 years of your life. Allah plans our life for us, and he planned for you to go through what you have gone through. I pray that this whole situation has brought you closer to Allah, and given you a better understanding of the fact that we can only rely on Allah, and only Allah deserves our complete trust and love. Move on with your life, get your Islamic divorce, and take care of yourself. Your sisters here love you.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    1 was in Walmart today too or I should say yesterday, but a different State. It’s 3:20 am. I’ve been trying to go to sleep since 2:00 sigh. Catch you later…

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    The fire was on California. I’m on my stupid cell phone.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    Gail,

    I’ve been reading about all the flooding in the UK and the tornado in Texas in the news. I didn’t know Missouri got hit too. Did you see on the news the huge fire that broke out. A couple tourist from the UK or some place drove through it and recorded it. Gail, I mean with all the flooding, fires, mudslides, and tornadoes, I can’t keep up with what is happening where. With all the terrible news I’m hearing and reading about I can’t go to sleep. And to think, I had finally for a good while now have overcome insomnia and sleep like a baby. This crap is creeping me out!!!

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Ladies,

    If u would say a little prayer for Missouri we are under a State of Emergency do to flooding.I have not got out to see the damage but reports are coming in it is pretty bad.A train got derailed a few towns from me in Neosho Missouri and people are having to be rescued because of the flooding.The Rain is so bad here.Last night we were in Walmart and they told everyone get to the back of the store because a tornado was on the ground.We heard it go right over us.My husband read England/UK is getting flooding to so it seems it is not just USA taking a hit.
    Does anyone know where all this Rain and snow has come from.Texas is being hit very hard.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Ana,

    I agree with u regarding the hand u been given I just don’t know in all honesty if i personally could deal it.I really doubt i could to be honest.I am just to much set in my ways and my mindset.I get it though that life is not perfect and for most people they could not handle living joint family because G.D knows it is hard.
    I am sooo happy to see Fatima’s post although I hate to hear about her situation.Dang I feel bad for her.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2015

    @ Fatima,

    Of course I remember you. I’m so glad Gail responded to you. All I can do now is cry after reading what happened to you. It’s been a long busy day for me . It’s 2:00 a.m. Insha Allah, I’ll write more in the afternoon. You’re going to be okay. Stay strong {hugs}

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Spirited,

    Happy Birthday!!! I am happy to know u r enjoying your trip.Sorry to hear about your Inlaws not taking the news of u not staying with them to well.I think u r right they r good people but have no control over their son which is really strange considering my inlaws have total control over my husband.I have no doubt they really love and adore u and was hoping u would stay with them so they could change your mind not to divorce.I think u are right they would try to tell u to hang on tough it out for awhile etc…
    I liked your bird story lol. are u in a city or a village? Are u getting to go shopping.I love to shop but my mother inlaw never takes me because the shopkeepers raise the prices.I doubt i will ever go back to Pakistan to be honest as I have no motivation to do so.I would only go back as last resort like say it got really bad here in USA then i would consider it but I would consider South America first! Some place like Brazil to be exact lol

  • Gail

    December 28, 2015

    Fatima,

    I read your post and Dang I feel so horrible for u and what has taken place.U mean to tell me that your husband went back to India married another cousin and brought her here to USA? I asked Ana about u and wondered where u went to and what was happening in your life.
    So now your husband is living with his brother and new wife in an apartment.My head is spinning thinking about what u have had to endure.U deserve so much better than him to be frank u were always so good to him and took up for him I remember.You were a good wife to him Fatima much better than he deserves I can sure tell u that.
    I don’t know if he used u for immigration but it doesn’t matter his character is just crazy.I keep wondering why his exwife will not let him see the child.That is very strange as well and if he has remarried another cousin all I can think is how his family politics is playing out.I am sooooo happy u came back to the blog to let us know what is going on with u.
    If he has been here for 6 months and not told his wife about u I think he has zero intentions of doing so at this point but that is my personal thinking.Wow she is 20 yrs younger than him.My mind is kinda blown right now.
    You said u moved on are u seeing anyone else?Your daughters should be getting on up there now in age I think how r they doing?

  • ~Fatima~

    December 28, 2015

    Hello Ana, I hope you still remember me.. Little ole Fatima who married the indian guy…
    A lot has happened in the past few years.. If you remember, my husband married his cousin who had a son,.. He said he had issues with her family because he could not bring her here because we had the legal divorce. I felt bad for her so I agree for the legal divorce but we still had nikkah.
    But her family would not change the marriage date an forbid him to see the child or her..so we stayed together with our islamic marriage until he went back to india again an married another cousin… this time he could bring her here because we had the legal divorce… but he did not tell her about me… brought her here.. and never came back!! We still have a business together but he told me he was going to tell her about me, but he wont.. she came here 6 months ago.. I waited for months because he said give him time.. but nothing.. so, I have moved on with my life.. His brother if you remember came on a visit visa a year ago an never went back to India. Hes here iegally, and all 3 of them live in a small apartment. Apparently thy cannot have children and thats why he married again.. but no child yet?
    I hate to say this, but I feel he used me for immigration .. I agreed to meet and accept a cowife with open arms.. but he wont tell the truth to her.
    Shes 2o years younger then him too..
    Wow.. I wasted 10 years of my life..
    Is Gail still on here??

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I am soooo happy to hear you are having a very nice time. Alhumdulliah. It’s so good to hear from you. I thought it would be a while before you could touch base with us.

    I’m sorry to hear about the problem you had with the medication. I can’t very well say I am surprised. I think I told you how I feel about doctors LOL

    Let me tell you what happen to me. A number of years ago an eye doctor gave me contacts. When I got them home, the information on the packet didn’t look right. I looked the information up online only to find out the contacts were for someone with a severe eye disorder Needless to say, they were the wrong contacts. I was given someone else contact. I had to take them back and get the correct ones.

    Spirited, I already remembered your birthday before you mentioned it. Insha Allah, I will have cake and celebrate with you in spirit LOL I will have ice cream with it. Happy early birthday wish for you.

    Insha Allah, you’ll stop in again soon. May Allah keep you safe.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    Gail,

    I understand the position that you take about living joint family. There are Mormons who live that way. I mention them only because I am familiar with their beliefs and how they live. It’s okay for you to believe as you do.

    Over time society has come up with how it believes people should live. People have been lead to believe that a husband, a wife and the children should all live together, have a house with a white picket fence, and have a dog. It’s not reality. People have watch far too much TV and movies.

    Muslims/believers know it is not how life is. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan. I’ve read that the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) father died before the Prophet Muhammad’s mother gave birth to him. His mother died when he was six years old. He became an orphan. It goes to show that everyone’s life is not picture perfect, as he or she ENVISION/IMAGINE it should be. Muhammad (PBUH) was our beloved Prophet. He was the seal of Allah’s Prophets and our example.

    When he was polygamous, the way it was, from my understanding, is that all of his wives lived in the same vicinity. They all lived in close proximity to him. He saw each of his wives every day. He spent the nights with the one wife whose turn it was. The older wife eventually gave her nights to the younger one (NOT, NOT, NOT because he was going to divorce her). It was because she felt no need to have him with her on her nights.

    With it said, it probably would be better if a husband had all his wives living very close to one another, so he could be there for them in times of emergency. If Muslims come together as a community, they’d have support. How did the women and children survive when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and all the men were at war? They were at war often.

    I think Malayekah is doing a very good job in handling her husband having another wife with six (6) children. I think her husband is doing a very good job with his wiveS and children, based on what she has shared with us. It doesn’t seem he is taking advantage of the situation, and giving the other wife far more time than she. She is being very understanding and cooperative, knowing her husband is doing the best that he can. We all have to deal the hand that we are dealt. There is a reason Allah has written everything for everybody the way that it is.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    Some people have a difficult time understanding who I am and what I am about. They’ve labeled me something that I don’t have a clue what the heck it is. Apparently it’s some innovation, something they’ve made up.

    Anyhow, I’ve written ONCE AGAiN another post about me. If they don’t get it, after reading it, then shame on them. I can’t fix a mental deficiency.

    Who is Ana of the Polygamy 411 Blog

  • Malayekah

    December 27, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes considering what I’ve read from here I feel I shouldn’t feel any negative feelings and that I have it good. But as we think we can always have it better. I don’t have big complaints but I guess adjustments and obviously the battle of emotions and Satan. Sometimes I think how could I make this choice. I am extremely jealous person( I know all women almost say that) but really I get so consumed and concerned about the other person that nothing else matters not even myself. But as Muslims we need to have moderate love for husbands and this life , specially husbands that seems the most dangerous kind to me. I experienced that in my previous marriage , it was hard when I put all my mood depending on that one person, my life was like roller coaster and I hated the feeling like some person controls me but actually I was controlled by my own desires and it was me who did that to myself. Even though, when I started thinking of new husband I did not look for polygamy. But when I first told me about That he is married- first reaction ( silently in my own head) was oh nooooo why, why he seems so lovely his character ,Islam and manners…why it’s ruined like that. Something inside me couldn’t leave that and tell him I didn’t want to get to know you more. He told me about marriage not at first but really early when I only knew very little about him. Second thought was “maybe it’s just what I need. I knew I get too attached and feel obsessive love and a need to control that person. That this way I can’t, I need to deal with my ugly side more and work myself through that. I won’t know ” everything ” about him I won’t know what he is doing where he is going when he is nit with me because that ain’t my business..and might hurt my feelings. So in away I saw that polygyny came to my life to fix me, to rectify my heart and make me love Allah the most. So far it has been working but now I haven’t seen my husband for few weeks since I am away. I feel the part of me I don’t like is trying to wiggle her way in.

    Gail.
    Yes you’re right I actually should take it easy on myself and hubby as we are just at the beginning of the journey. Like in psychology they talk about group psychology and how it works : first is the forming then storming and there were few other blocks on the way.
    I personally admire people who can live in one home with cowives. I am very private person I don’t like crowds of people all the time. I like meeting them but not living. For me it takes loooong time before I connect to people and this connection doesn’t happen easy and not with everyone. I come from small family myself so that is one of the reasons probably. I did ask my husband before we married and when I found out about soooo many kids( almost all are teenagers young adults eldest is 18). How will you have time for me ? You have so many kids how do you manage even that one family is hard to handle. He said you just need to know how to slice up 24hours and he knows how to do that at least he thinks so that no one feels neglected. I told him I need a lot of attention , he said him too he is very needy of love and attention and communication so we will be fine inshallah. I asked about how he wants us to live ? Separate or together ? He said he never wants us to live together. Because he wants 2 marriages to be separate 2 marriages together would be hard for him because he would have to control his actions so much and wouldn’t be able to be free because he is affectionate. We are one family and come together as often as everyone wants but not living under same roof . I think eventually I wouldn’t mind living in the next building or same building.i guess all depends how our relationship with the co evolves. Right now I like my distance and meet from time to time.
    Gail, seriously you have given me many things to think about and it sounds like normal things to consider I almost forget that polygamy is something so hard and so strange and impossible to live peacefully. This blog is amazing I feel like it IS normal way to live. I really wish to find someone in real life who has similar situation as me so we could discuss same things.
    I do feel my husband runs himself crazy – picking one, dropping the other , third one is sick 4th needs new pair of shoes etc. We live 10min drive away( without crazy traffic which usually occurs the times he is going from one house to the other)
    He did live polygamy for 9 years before when kids were young and that was more difficult I think. He doesn’t have kids from that second marriage so him and co knew exactly what they are getting themselves into. Probably co was afraid a little because the other wife didn’t respect their time or privacy and the rules husband set out. As I’ve heard from the hubby the co is happy to have peaceful life and evenings with no drama.
    His children consider it a norm also, dad doesn’t sleep there on two nights and two nights does. We see each other every day . If he stays other place then he visits me after work until maghrib and other way around. Sometimes I think it would be easier if he didn’t visit and have full two days but it’s probably not good for kids.

  • Gail

    December 27, 2015

    Ana,

    I think Malayekah and her husband and cowife might be having a hard time adjusting to the second marriage since he has so many children with the first wife.I don’t know how he is going to pull this off long term because he has so many kids.When u have that many kids someone is always sick or needs to go somewhere.I don’t believe in part time fathers.If u have the kids u need to be responsible and raise them period the end.This is exactly why I refused to live separate from my cowife HELL to the NO on that.I did not marry to be a part time wife.U asked me awhile back that u think I understand the concept of Polygamy but did not really accept Polygamy.I would say I don’t believe if people have children they should be part time Fathers.I don’t care what anyone says if a man is not at home at night and has another home he is going to half the time then he is a part time dad and I think that is not healthy for the children.I told my husband straight when I found out about cowife that I didn’t marry a polygamous man I married into monogamy and I intended our lives to stay that way.I also told him he is not going to be a part time husband.Now in saying that to each their own when it comes to Polygamy but for me and my family I was not having and still would not have separate homes it is just not for me personally.I will go one step further and say men that our married and the woman that have children should seriously think how they r going to set up house should they consider Polygamy.The children and family unit should come first.
    I know most people don’t agree but this is my personal opinion for myself and I tend to think I am not the only one out there that might think like this also.
    Again I say to each their own when it comes to Polygamy as I know everyone is different in their thinking but Joint family really is a good option if a wife wants a full time husband and father for her kids in my opinion.

  • Gail

    December 27, 2015

    Malayekah,

    Right now u r just trying to figure out how u fit into the bigger picture is what it seems to me.Listen I assume u are going to have children and pretty soon your life will be just as hectic and busy as your cowife’s life.Now in saying all this have u guys thought to live closer together like a duplex situation or houses next door or even living joint family(all living together so u can see and be with hubby every day).If u and your cowife get along this could actually be an option for u guys to make it easier on everyone esp your husband.It is something to think about if u have interest in living joint family.One thing I have noticed here on the blog though is the majority are against living joint family system because the cowives usually end up butting heads but I personally like joint family best and feel it is best when raising children.The whole point to polygamy for me personally is FAMILY not everyone living in separate homes but that is just me and my personal thinking.I have lived separate than my excowife and together with her.I won’t lie living together has it’s hardships BUT I prefer living together over separate homes.
    I totally understand the need to want to be with your husband daily and just have a normal life like everyone else and when u have kids u maybe like me and want their dad there everynight to tuck them in.I wonder how your cowife is doing with hubby being out of the home half the time and not being there for the kids.
    Also r u feeling your husband might be stressed out some from having to hop back and forth so much knowing he is giving up time with his kids.I don’t know what u r thinking but these things come to my mind that these things might be bothering u let me know.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    Malayekah,

    Sis ummof4 reminds all the ladies from time to time to keep themselves busy doing things they enjoy. Of course, make time for Islamic study – reading the Quran etc. What is it that you like doing that, of course, is halal and get busy doing it. Don’t wrap your life around your husband. You’ll be more fulfilled and more interesting to your husband as well. Our husbands like when we have a life outside of them, unless the husband is some obsessive, possessive jealous freak. Ya know what I’m saying?

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    Malayekah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It sounds you have a nice relationship with you co, which is exceptional considering a lot that we have heard here from others about their cos. Seems you have a very nice marriage as well. The obstacles and problem are small considering as well.

    Don’t feel badly about feeling some kind of way when you saw him with her and the children together for the first time. It’s to be expected. I’d imagine every woman in that position would feel awkward.

    I think it’s just Satan messing with you when you begin to think of the history that he has with his other family. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s Satan who wants you to feel not good enough and not as a wife. Remind yourself you are good enough. He married you. You are special. You are his wife the same as she is

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to you all 🙂

    At last, there is a voice by someone who can be heard (not lil ole me) calling for Muslims to act to restore the tarnished image of Islam; a call for Muslims to stop killing Muslims; the sad state of affairs – Muslims having to flee for safety to non-Muslim countries etc.

    I just read the article. Iran’s Rouhani urges Muslims to fix Islam’s global image

    How could any Muslim live a polygamous life in peace in non-Muslim countries when the image of Islam is at an all time low? It’s about time Muslims who could be heard spoke to the media and to Muslims about it.

  • Malayekah

    December 27, 2015

    Gail,

    The husband spends time equally with us Alhamudlillah. With the co wife yes we get a long. We have met few times and spent time together as the whole family. When I thought about it and saw him with his kids first time felt strange – my husband has a separate life and history that is still part of him. It almost felt like he is not my husband, he is only theirs and for some reason I feel their have More right over him.I think hardest for me is to think that he has someone he has spent half of his life together. They know eachother well. I Left my life/marriage had to start from zero isn’t easy and being alone half of the time can get depressing if you’re used to attending to your husband every night. I love the feeling being needed and yes doing everything for my husband. I tell you guys something funny: I love that the other wife doesn’t iron his clothes ( he brings them to laundry) he offered that to me that I don’t have to iron his clothes, I was like NO I have time and I will do it. I feel like good because only I do it ?. I bet that sounds crazy. And even to him it feels like special that someone wants to look after him and his things. Obviously my co wife has busier life than me kids etc.

    As my husband is doing his best to be just. Obviously he has a lot more things to do and look after while he is in the other home and during the day. He never rests. So I feel like I shouldn’t ask him and get things done on my own, because when I comes to me he is tired and stressed. But he still wants to do everything for me also but I feel bad because more errands means less quality time ?

  • Spirited

    December 27, 2015

    Salaam & hey everyone

    Hope you are all doing well. I’m still super jet lagged & I feel sleepy almost all the time, lol. Part of that might have had something to do with a medication I was given, which turned out to be the wrong thing anyway & not what I had inquired about. Some side effects of this drug are insomnia, tiredness, & diarrhea– all of which I have now after only taking it 6 days before I looked it up & found out the doctor had made a mistake. Hopefully the last of it will be out of my system soon & I can get back to normal.

    Aside from that, I’ve been hanging out with cousins & uncles, obviously my mom & one brother who were here earlier than me. My soon-to-be-ex-in-laws have called, expecting me to stay with them for the whole month I’m here, to which I was thinking “they must be out of their minds”. What I actually said on the phone was that I was busy and my mom needed my help (this is true) so I would be staying here and not with them. I told them I would come for a farewell visit and give gifts that I had already bought before, and I would be leaving from there the same day. They didn’t sound convinced, just like they still think we aren’t getting divorced, as if they can just say “it will be fine” or “just wait a little while” & everything will work out by itself. Nope, a 2nd chance for 3 years is enough waiting. After ther son’s latest actions & declarations, I’ll be moving on, thanks for the offer.

    A pair of pigeons have made their nest in the ventilation system of the range hood in the kitchen here. They also have babies. Whenever anyone tries to cook anything or turns on the fire, the little babies start crying and the parents freak out :|. Nice job picking a nesting site….lol. I’ve seen the male, he’s a mottled white & grey, nice shiny neck and a cute white spot on his head. Obviously kind of a moron, though he works very hard fighting off other male pigeons. Seems like other pigeons want this spot too. An uncle hopes he can seal up the entrance they use once the babies are grown, lol. Such riveting drama. 😀

    @Ana, thank you for relaying my greetings to all the lovely ladies. 🙂

    @Malayekah, welcome aboard, you’ve got quite the story it seems. Your husband has 6 kids, wow…

    Well, talk to you guys again. Hope everyone had a nice holiday & all have a safe new year’s. If I don’t get back to write in before then, have a piece of cake for me on Jan 1 as well (birthday )

  • Gail

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah,

    If u have been married only 6 months u r still newly married and your new life is still sinking in.Your right about knowing something beforehand but actually having to live and walk the walk is alot harder when u have to actually do it.I am curious does you and your cowife get along?Is she accepting of u?I think u said he doesn’t spend nights at your home is this correct and if so why not? I would say in your case for now to help u cope think of all the things u like to do with your husband and just make the time u have special.If u r not getting enough time or u feel the time is not equal u might need to talk to your husband and see if u can get some more time together.Does he have a family with his other wife/kids etc…
    I will tell u this being newly married u have got to fight your jealousy towards the other wife if u have any jealousy towards her(I am not saying u do I have no idea but it wouldn’t be abnormal if u did) If by some miracle u and your cowife get along or could get along it could go a longgggggggggggg ways in making both of your lives more peaceful.Now in saying that if your husband is not willing to give u more time and your cowife is acting like a douchebag towards u then obviously life is going to be more tough if your husband is not willing to make more room in his life for u.Again I have no idea about your circumstances but would love to know more about u if u like to share.U hang in there and keep your spirits up don’t feel like u r alone u can always come here and share your positive or negative feelings with us.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself or your hubby u r only 6 months into your marriage everything takes time to adjust.

  • Gail

    December 26, 2015

    Mari2,

    U provoked something in me to write concerning woman and who they pick for marriage.
    I know exactly where u r coming from and believe me I hear u LOUD and CLEAR.
    I am not saying u are wrong in your thought process because I believe the same way u do I believe(at least I think I do) U can correct me if u don’t believe the same way.
    I think ok I am a good person I love G.D and I honestly try to do what is write I don’t lie,cheat,steal.commit adultery etc…. am I perfect NO not a chance I do curse like a sailor which drives me Mad(boy that is the hardest habit for me to ever break) it is a serious yolk on me right along with no patience…OK back to what I was saying…. We as women see ourselves as trying and good and our being good will win the battle in the end and our husbands will not leave us because we are so good with them and honest etc…But I am not so sure this is the case(it maybe but not really to certain to be honest) Why is it when we go to choose a husband or even in cases where the family chooses we as woman are not asking the men the hard questions and looking into their backgrounds and questioning the men on their personal characters? I mean to say that if anyone else was looking in and saw my husband from the outside they would have warned me hey u better do a double take here I smell a rat(like how we do for the women that come on the blog).
    Example had u and I been friends in real life and u introduce me to him after getting to know him for awhile I would have easily been able to say hey Mari be careful something seems not right 100% here.
    Before I married my husband I was on zero when it came to Pakistani culture and Islam.I had no idea obviously after 13 yrs I know have come to have a clue but all that aside I always wonder where does my own blame lie when I chose to marry this man going on only what he told me as the majority of women do.
    Mari I am curious did u know your husband was a polygamist when u married him(I think u said he was married when he married u not sure though) if so did he tell u he was married or was it something u found out later? Also was he upfront from the start about marrying his cousin wife?
    When I look back everything was there in front of my eyes but I was not choosing to see what was in front my eyes and I took the hard path instead of telling him straight no way.I fed into his lies and now I am paying for that mistake the same like other people feed into lies about religion.I feel very sincerely that we do choose right or wrong.
    I feel like our lives are tests and that everything is laid out in front of us all we have to do is be smart enough to see the road blocks,ask the right questions,etc… I can’t say for sure if your husband and u will stay together but from all the signs I am seeing your cowife and mother inlaw are going to create serious issues.How u and your husband deal all that will be up to the two of u.
    You are not in your cowife’s face right now but the day he tries to leave her and come to u then u r going to be in her face and she is either going to accept it(fat chance I think) or she is going to cry,kick and scream.
    I wonder do u feel u r at fault in anyway at all for picking a man that can’t tell his own mother to back off and not to mention he can’t get his cousin wife to even talk or be kind with u? In my case I do think what the CRAP!!! I did and I have knowone to blame but myself in picking a weak minded man!!
    These are some of the things I think I wonder if u think the same or different?

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Mari2,

    Nice post!

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Mari2,

    You are correct. The only leverage you need is Allah. Nothing is REAL, but Allah. Allah is the only REALITY.

  • Mari2

    December 26, 2015

    @Ana
    You are correct in saying I have no leverage. But honestly do I need leverage? I am here. My life is good. Allah is good. Does Allah need a document? If so, then HE will provide. Will Allah leverage my worth? Do I truly need leverage? Oy those people who value themselves and their gold and sons and call themselves “chosen”. They are the ones to call out”black magic” when things don’t work out for themselves. And they cannot seem to rectify their actions with consequences of behavior.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I’m glad you’ve enjoyed reading all the posts here. It means much to me to know people are alive out there LOL. I love hearing from you.

    I wish there was more I could share with you about the situation you’re dealing with concerning your marriage and culture. It’s a hard way to go in trying to get someone to see that the way they’ve been living isn’t Islam, but a way of life they’ve been indoctrinated in. There isn’t much that we can do. People only see, if Allah wants them to. We can speak on it, but we can’t make a person get it. What’s the saying? We can lead a horse to water, but we can’t make it drink. Another saying is, “I can only show you the door. You are the one who has to walk thru it.”

    You need to keep your focus on Allah and not try to figure out how your life is going to pan out. Allah has it all figured out. You’re doing good to keep busy and enjoy what makes you happy. Only Allah knows your future. We could assume and guess, which often time is not good. Things aren’t always what they seem. Just because your husband is planning to bring the other here doesn’t mean it will happen in the time frame he’s looking at, if it will happen at all.

    Keep the Faith!

    It was crazy about the women trying to get to the sweets. I suppose they wanted to get some before they were all gone LOL. I’m glad they didn’t break your fingers or your hands. Thank Allah much!

  • Mari2

    December 26, 2015

    Salam all! Loved reading the posts these past few days! Loved being on vacation and able to go to mosque for jummah. Unfortunately, the women’s section was so crowded that I was creamed against the wall during sajadta. Good khutba, but at the end I was doing rakah and women were walking on me to get to the sweets, and I mean literally stepping on my hands. Crazy.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah,

    From what you have said, I think you know what time it is (You know what’s what. You know which way is up LOL). You have a good head on your shoulders. It seems you just want to be with like minded people – people who want to understand life and people – people who are living the same type of lifestyle (polygamy) that you are living.

    You’re right; nothing is constant, but Allah. Allah could make us a believer today and an unbeliever tomorrow and vice versa. It depends on what we strive for. If we strive for this world, it’s all we get. If we strive for the Hereafter, we could have the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter.

    You realized before that it was all about this life with your former husband. Now, you have a husband who is polygamous and it could very well be the lifestyle that will help take you to Jannah/Paradise. There are a lot of blessings for the BELIEVING Muslim who acceptS all of what Allah says in the Holy Quran, and not pick and choose what she likes. Polygamy could be wonderful in purifying our souls of base emotions that causes us pain and leads to nothing that is good.

    I agree with you that it is not worth trying to explain a polygamous lifestyle to other people, unless they live it or like polygamy whether they live it or not. It’s not for us to convince them to get it. If Allah wants them to have knowledge of Him, He will make sure the person gets its without us having to exert any effort. Allah doesn’t need us. We need Him. The person whom Allah wants to have the Truth, Allah will place the person in the position to get it. Some people think if we don’t reach out another person won’t get it. It’s so far from the truth. Who Allah wants to have something the person will get it and there will be no one to stop it.

    To try to get a person to understand a lifestyle of polygamy, will most often be met with resistance. If a person asks and sincerely wants to know (we have an idea of who really wants to know something) we could discuss it with them. To speak with those who are oppose to polygamy doesn’t take us forward. It becomes a hindrance to us because we absorb ignorance. It takes us off the straight path.

    Anyhow, whenever you want to talk, we’re here for you. At least I am LOL. Sometimes it seem it’s just me and whomever against world here LOL

  • Malayekah

    December 26, 2015

    May Allah reward you for the answer and reminder ? I saved it for myself just in case.
    I’ve noticed if my eman is high I feel great I don’t feel any jealousy . But like you said it is our jihad within ourselves and our state eman in never steady. Polygyny actually helps and gives more time to spend in worship and studying Islam and contemplate what is really important in life.
    I was married before to someone who didn’t have any interest in living according to Islam. And when husband isn’t the leader, It was so so hard for me because I needed my husband to lead me in prayer and study with me. But instead we were so consumed my this life only and it made me depressed and not happy. We had everything financially, whatever I wanted I could have. Good easy life but I was so empty inside and not happy. People who know me are surprised like ” why did you give up,such a wonderful life, you had everything, money and man who loved only you. Now you have 50% of a man with 6 kids and a wife and difficult finances” it’s never worth to try to explain people/family why the choice, It’s important that Allah knows why and inshallah it was for right reasons.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah & All Readers and writers,

    A way to combat the jealousy – jealously is painful – is to know and believe that Allah is the One whom we should love. Ask yourself if you love your husband more than you love Allah Don’t answer it here. Answer it to yourself, only for you. If you love your husband more, it is a HUGE problem.

    We should love nothing and no one more than we love Allah. Only Allah can put the love in our hearts for Him. Allah controls the heart. What do you seek when you turn to Allah? If you simply ask for things you want such as your husband to love you, love you more than the other wife, that he spends more time with you and blah, blah, blah, it’s a problem. Life isn’t about our husbands. It’s about Allah. He created us to worship Him and Him alone. It’s our reason for being on this planet.

    If we make our husbands priority, we have a problem. No one is saying to neglect our husbands. Be good and loving to them, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, not seeking our husbands’ pleasure. If we do good seeking to please Allah, our husbands will get pleased if they are worthy of Allah’s blessings.

    Many are mistaken and think they must serve the husband to get to Jannah/Paradise. It’s not so. We must serve Allah and Allah alone to get to Jannah/Paradise. There is no intermediary. We don’t have to go through someone else to get to Jannah/Paradise. Serving and worshiping a husband, parent or child is a sure way to keep us out of Jannah/Paradise and will take us to the HellFire.

    Allah says:

    “Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight – are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause;- then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.”
    Quran: Surah 9, Ayah 24

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah,

    I wrote three posts to you, so please don’t mistakenly overlook any

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah,

    You are right; Satan is clever. He knows how to mess with us. He is a professional, expert at his craft. He does his job well. We can’t combat Satan all on our own. We need Allah’s help to do it. We could call ourselves working on ourselves all we want; if Allah doesn’t make the change in us, it won’t happen. We have to ask Allah to purify our hearts. We have to recognize what is wrong with us, and begin working on improving ourselves. Only Allah can bring about the change. It’s not within our power to make the change ourselves. Only Allah has power.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah,

    It’s very good that the wives are all considered legal in the country in which you live. It makes it much easier for all wives to feel that they are equal to one another. They are all on the same level. The best person (wife) is the one who is most righteous. In countries in which only one of the man’s wives can be legal, it causes the legal wife to feel a sense of superiority over the other wife. Wives may know that in the sight of Allah all wives are just that – wives, but it still may bring about a feeling of having the upper hand for the wife who is legal.

    You’ve got a very good handle on what is going on with you. I used to think that any woman who marries a man who is already married should have known what she was getting into and should have no reason to complain. I was ignorant. I was unaware. I didn’t know. I didn’t consider that no one can predict the future. Of course, NO ONE knows what they are getting until they get it. We could envision and imagine in our minds all that we want It’s not reality until it happens.

    When a woman marries a man, she lives with him, is intimate with him, and love blossoms between them. She loves her husband. She will want to be with him as much as she can. It’s natural. She will have bouts of jealousy and envy. It happens because she loves her husband, and want his love all to herself. The wife has to work on herself to want for her sister-in-faith what she wants for herself. Her personal jihad (battle) will be with herself. No one masters control of emotions. Jealously doesn’t go away one day and stay away forever. It takes working on oneself to get to a good place and stay there. Satan always rear his ugly little head. We aren’t angels. Angels do everything right. We have to learn it and live it.

    Polygamy is difficult for all wives, regardless of the order in which the wife married the man. It’s a mere waste of time to dwell on trying to figure out which wife has it worse. What does it matter? They all have a very hard time. It’s like asking who loves who more. All that matters is that there is love. Each wife has to get to a good place and no one can take her there, but Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    Malayekah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    No need to thank us. It’s people like you who write who keep the blog going. Sometimes I think about making it a “Read Only” blog. I think to write articles and not bother with comments since most people prefer to read and not comment, anyhow. It would save me time.

    There are a number of countries such as Saudi Arabia, Iran, and China that block certain websites from being accessed by their citizens. The Muslim countries that block websites aren’t concerned about Muslims being harmed by what they read. It’s not about the people. The government of those countries block websites or the internet all together to PROTECT THE INTERESTS OF THE RULING PEOPLE. They do it so they can have strict CONTROL over the people in the country. The freedom that we American have, for instance, is the freedom that all people on the planet should have.

    Allah lets us know that no one should be compelled to live a certain type of way. He tells us to leave people alone. He says let Him deal with the people whom He created bare and alone. The Jihad that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), his companions and the First Generation of Muslims fought was only for them, not for those of us living today. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us what is considered a crime and what the punishments is for the crime. Of course, we have laws that are in effect for law and order and to avoid chaos. Usually (not all the time) those laws aren’t oppressive and don’t interfere with human rights.

    I used Saudi Arabia recently as an example with regard to wrong done. They still do stoning as punishment for adultery. They stone women in particular. They stone the women for ALLEGATIONS of adultery. Allah clearly in the Quran says flogging is the punishment for adultery and fornication. It’s not all – four witnesses to the actual act of adultery and fornication are needed. Saudi Arabia opt to do things their way. The women, just within the last month, got the right to vote, when women in the US have had the right to vote for 95 years. The women aren’t allowed to drive vehicles in Saudi Arabia. It is an oppressive regime. Now, you know why some countries block this blog – because of TRUTH. They don’t want their people to know the TRUTH.

    One reason this website may be blocked in Saudi Arabia (I don’t know if it is or not) is because we talk here of such things. If the people, especially the youth, who are educated, were to read this blog they may protest their conditions. They may stand up for Truth and what is Right. Saudi Arabia has vast wealth that they hoard among their families and the wealthy. The wealth that the Saudi’s hoard belongs to the Muslims. Allah clearly let us know that wealth is not to be used the way they use it. Allah says don’t let the wealth circulate among the wealthy. The wealth is for the people. Allah states who in particular is entitle to charity. There is a list of who is entitled to charity. It includes those who ask and those who don’t ask, as well, – not just the poor.

    When people can’t read or aren’t educated to the truth, they submit to those who lord over them. A lot of the information on this blog is from the Holy Quran, which is TRUTH. What Believer would argue with what is in the Holy Quran, the Book that Allah has protected? Those countries don’t want the people to disagree with the government. They don’t want the people to protest and demand their due. They don’t want the huge problem. The government don’t want to allow people access to anything that may incite them and cause them to demand change.

    The government of those oppressive countries, allow the people to access websites that are insignificant. If people are talking about how much they hate polygamy and it shouldn’t be allowed, why would a Muslim country care about something like it? It’s just useless talk to them. If a blog content encourages women to cheat on their husbands and commit adultery, what would a country like the ones that censor material care? They’d just stone the woman who they SUSPECT have done it. The women in those countries police themselves because they don’t want to die, so they don’t do crazy and say they’ve got two husbands to spite the husbands for having two wives. An intelligent person would know it’s nonsense. Only a blog that has material that could bring about an uprising and cause change will be censored.

    With regard to the blog owner whose links I provided, her blog was censored because she lives in Dubai with her husband who, if I’m not mistaken, is a pilot. She was writing from within Dubai. She wrote a small piece on polygamy. I don’t know what Dubai’s policy is about censorship. We do know they scrutinize closely. I’m interested to know what part of the movie, “The Wolf of Wall Street” was banned. I have that movie LOL

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I knew what you intended to say. Nonetheless, it is good that you made the correction in case some readers didn’t catch it as an error. Many times we wrongfully assume others knew what we meant.

    ummof4, please know that I appreciate all that you contribute to the blog As I had stated to all, there are many readers, but the writers are few. Thank you for consistently writing when you can. It is good for the readers to get feedback from others than only Gail and me LOL Others chime in every once in a while and I appreciate them too.

  • Malayekah

    December 26, 2015

    Thanks all for such an warm welcome and kind and truthful words.
    I understand the government blocking sites that let’s say harm Muslims but why this blog ? I would understand and actually approve if they block the $%^& blog.that would actually make sense because they spread hate and falsehood.
    Maybe they just haven’t notice it, maybe people there don’t read it so there is no need for blocking. But I guess this blog has been popular?
    But they permit polygamy there so still confused ?.

    One of the reasons I felt comfortable marrying my husband is because there I’ll be a legal wife, it makes things less complicated ?
    If I was living in the west I dont think I would have.

    Ok so I haven’t been married long 6months. And I did expect it to be easier emotionally for me because I knew what I’m getting myself into. But shaytaan is clever and still manages to make me insecure and jealous. I know only thing that helps is turning to Allah.
    But sometimes it’s just nice to hear from the sisters. I don’t know anyone personally in polygyny, even less people are in polygyny where their husband is actually just and shares his time equally in nights. I know it’s harder on the first wife as she had the husband all to herself.
    I think I have the jealousy because I am newly married and want to spend every second with my husband and it hurts a lot that I can never have him home every day. I knew all that before and in my head I made myself accept the situation and that is how it’s going to be- either 50% of him or nothing at all. but knowing and actually living it are different. Any second wives felt the same ? Like did you think it will be easier and then it wasn’t ? Because after marriage the feelings really form and the love gets stronger And deeper. Before marriage it was easier to accept I think because he wasn’t my husband and didn’t connect to him on that level. Any words of wisdom ??

  • ummof4

    December 26, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    In my last post, I made a boo boo. It should read “love everything that Allah has made halal and hate everything that Allah has made haram”

    Thanks Ana for your kind remark.

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2015

    Gail,

    I like what you said to Malayekah, “Don’t stress out about how others act towards u is my advice. I like that saying what others think about me is none of my business.I would add to that esp… if i am doing the right thing!”

    It’s a nice saying that makes a lot of sense

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2015

    Malayekah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    ummof4 knows our Islam. As she stated, it doesn’t matter if we are a born into Islam Muslim or a revert Muslim, we are supposed to love what Allah loves and hate what Allah hates.

    Those who have a problem with polygamy being permissible have a problem with Allah. Those who dislike polygamy dislikes what Allah has made permissible, and have a problem with Allah.

    You should not feel badly that you married a man who already has a wife. There is NOTHING wrong with it. Allah allows it for men. Women will marry men in the order of 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wives for polygamy to exist. Don’t let anyone make you feel badly for doing what Allah has allowed (you to be married to a polygamous man), and decreed you to be a part of it. Allah made polygamous marriages lawful.

    Remember the following Ayat (verses from the Holy Quran):

    “O ye who believe! make not unlawful the good things which Allah hath made lawful for you, but commit no excess: for Allah loveth not those given to excess.”
    Quran: Surah 5, Ayah 37

  • ummof4

    December 25, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Malayekah. How long will you be with us? You sound like a real sweet, concerned, Allah conscious sister. Yes, it is unfortunate that some people hate polygyny so much. When we are born Muslim or revert to Islam we are supposed to love everything that Allah has made halal and hate everything that Allah has made halal. Of course, we love in different degrees. If you have been reading you will know that in the past 40 years I have lived in monogamy, polygyny, monogamy, polygyny and now monogamy again. I have enjoyed all of these periods in my life because I know that everything is from the Qadr of Allah.

    May Allah bless all of us with peace and His mercy and love.

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2015

    It is the funniest thing LOL The first time I’ve heard of blog material being blocked/banned in some countries was when Malayekah mentioned that Polygamy 411 was blocked in the UAE. I did a quick look-about on the net and found another blog owner had written a little post on polygamy. It was banned in the UAE. I’m astonished and simply impressed.

    The more people talk about me and my blog the better my life gets and the more attention is drawn to my blog – talking about free advertisement. Keep talking ya all

    links to the other person whose blog had censored material:

    Banned in the UAE

    My Little Polygamist

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2015

    Malayekah,

    Thank you very much for your kind words about the blog. We are nearing our seven (7) year anniversary very soon (in February 2016).polygamy 411 I’m feeling very, very good about the New Year. So many wonderful, good things have been happening in my life. The blog keeps me focused on Allah, as well, so I’m grateful to have it. There are far more readers than writers, but as long as I’m reaching the people, it’s all good

    Malayekah, you made my day today when you said this website (Polygamy 411) is blocked by the government in the UAE. I’m SUPER IMPRESSED. It means I’m doing something very good by having the blog. This blog is about TRUTH. Allah says many people have a hatred for the Truth. He says there will only be a few Muslims from later times who will be foremost in faith and foremost in the Hereafter. I intend to be one of those people.
    When governments fear an uprising or reform (because the government know they are wrong) they try to prevent people from obtaining knowledge. They try to silence voices. There is a young man awaiting his fate – he was initially to be put to death in Saudi Arabia accused of starting an uprising, but there have been voices from other countries opposing the sentence. I believe there is an Iranian/American journalist who was just sentenced to prison in Iran for his writings. There is more on the subject. I’m grateful for the freedom of speech that we have here in America.

    Although your stay with us will be short as you must return to the UAE, I’m happy to have met you. Thank you for being a bearer of good tidings today

  • Malayekah

    December 25, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank you for welcome. You’re not Muslim but do you live in polygynous marriage ? The women who are they must be extremely strong humans- super women? I’d think the only thing that keeps me sane in that kind of marriage is Islamic belief ?

  • Malayekah

    December 25, 2015

    Ana

    Thank you sister . May Allah reward you for the good work and kind words.
    Polygyny isn’t easy ” walk in the park” for anyone that doesn’t mean that you hate everyone who are in polygyny. It’s correct it’s not good to waste time on people like that and what doesn’t concern us. Everyone has plenty of things in themselves and own life to fix ? I am glad to have that blog here . Even though when I go back to UAE ( I live there now) you’re site is blocked by the government? but that other vicious site isn’t ?. But there are all kinds of vpn programs for solutions. They should block sites that are against Muslims and propagate hate not where people just discuss life and advise each other.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Wash my brain. Wash it gooood. Ya know what I’m sayin Lol

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    I don’t care if someone thinks I’m “brainwashed”. It’s just a label. I’ll be “brainwashed” for them lol. I’ve been getting a good washing. I thank Allah for it. I can’t get enough brainwashing…

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Gail,

    Some people are more book smart and lack common sense. I fall into that category at times. I’ve done some dumb things. I laugh thinking about them.

    You must have so much fun with your kids. They sound to be amazing. Enjoy them. They’ll be grown and gone before you know it.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Gail,

    I was cracking up laughing too when you said what your daughter did. I got a good laugh from it.

    About the Black Cumin seed, I just recently saw it in the supermarket as a seasoning. I had no idea it was used that way as well.

    Well, we live and we learn. We all do dumb things from time to time. You wouldn’t believe some of the dumb things I do and have done. One day I’ll tell you a real doozie. I’m on my phone now. The phone bug the heck out of me to type on.

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Malayekah,

    Welcome to the blog I am Gail.Don’t stress out about how others act towards u is my advice.I like that saying what others think about me is none of my business.I would add to that esp… if i am doing the right thing!
    I am not Muslim and I would not think to have 2 husbands.I mean logically speaking I can’t imagine how two men would even begin to deal such a set up although I am pretty certain some could but I would imagine it going down like John would be ditching Paul and vice versa! Besides it is more than stupid talk because these muslim woman only marry muslim men and what Muslim man is going to go for woman trying to keep him as a second husband.LOL I don’t think they have really thought the nonsense through.lol
    Seriously though u don’t stress out over all the nonsense.Alot of times in life u have to just see past the nonsense and just keep it real and keep it moving.
    I actually been through this mess in a round about way.I was toying with divorce for several years with my current husband and I ended up reconnecting with my first love and he told me he loved me and demanded I divorced my husband and marry him.My husband was angry and demanded I stop talking with my first love.I wanted a divorce but at the same time something was telling me not to step up for my first love and that I would be going from the frying pan to the fire soooo I listened to my inner voice and just kept holding on to both men until I knew for certain what I should do after 2 yrs of talking with my first love he finally told me somethings that made me decide not to step up for him very clearly.My husband and I have issues alot of them and I don’t know if we will end up divorced eventually or stay together but I do know That the whole time I was talking to m first love neither men said they were willing to share me with the other they both wanted me for themselves.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m not sure how long Spirited will be gone. She said she’ll try to email me soon and will try to get to the blog. I was do happy to hear that she got there safe and sound. She said she was on the plane with family some of her family members and it wasn’t planned. God gave her company to help take care of her, bless her heart. She is a sweetheart. If I hear from her, I’ll let you know. I hope she has no problem getting back in the country. It’s trying times right now.

    I think divorce is the best thing for her. She needs to get rid of that loser.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Gail,

    I eventually got the seeds after about a month. It’s funny you asked. I took about 1/2 teaspoon 3 times today. A pound isn’t expensive. The shipping is. They get you either way. You could pay more for the seeds and less for the shipping and vice versa. Since it’s said to cure everything why not just take it for general purposes? What do we have to lose?

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Ana,

    Do u have any idea how long Spirited in going to be in Pakistan? I am glad she is having a good time she deserves it.I think she has made the right choice for her life to get the divorce.I really hope she will get some peace in her life.I worry about her.

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I have this picture in my head that my youngest son will go to see his sister at work someday and she will be doctor and he will walk in her office and say “Hey whats up Dumb Dumb” LOL My kids are something else!

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Ana,

    When Coco mentioned the Black Cumin seeds my ignorant self was eating regular cumin seeds lol thinking they were the black cumin seeds.Well now I know the difference.I guess ignorance runs in the family because my daughter has been making green tea with Black tea! I caught her today and said what r u doingggg this is black tea! She said well i been using this one the whole time! I said are u CRAZYYY! CAN U NOT READ it clearly says BLACK TEA on the box HELLOOOO!!! Then I get the Green tea box out and tell her to read it! She does and it says GREEN TEA right on the box.My youngest son busted out laughing and said Dumb Dumb can’t read! My daughter is little miss know it all so m youngest son really let her have it! LOL His nick name for his sister is Dumb Dumb like the small suckers/lolly pops!

  • Gail

    December 24, 2015

    Ana,

    I bought some black cumin seeds yesterday at the india market.I been putting them in my dishes and eating a pinch here and there.Did u ever get yours in? How do u like them?

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    “Already has He sent you Word in the Book, that when ye hear the signs of Allah held in defiance and ridicule, ye are not to sit with them unless they turn to a different theme: if ye did, ye would be like them. For Allah will collect the hypocrites and those who defy faith – all in Hell:-” Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 140

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Malayekah,

    Don’t worry about what the women who called herself Amal said. She said she hopes you get a disease and suffer long with it. Allah hears and sees all things. He knows what she said. She better hope and pray that Allah doesn’t turn it around on her. She apparently already is suffering. She may end up being in a polygamous marriage and not for purification of her soul either, but for agonizing purposes, if He even gives her a husband. She’s not getting away with any of the wrong that she does. Don’t think it for a minute. She may be in a period of respite right now, but Allah is bound to rain down a mount of calamities on her, if she doesn’t repent, mend her life according to Quran and Allah doesn’t forgive her. Don’t fear what she says. Fear Allah and Allah alone. What she says or does can’t bring any harm to you, if you believe in Allah, all that He says and that He will protect you.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Malayekah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam Welcome

    It’s nice to have you here. I’m sorry to hear you got attacked by a person who says she is a Muslimah and she was so harsh and cruel to you. She has to be one miserable person. There are born Muslims who have a strong dislike for reverts because they don’t live their religion and we do. I wish I could say how you were treated is unbelievable, but I know it is waaay BELIEVABLE.

    There are so many people full of hate out there in cyberspace. They hide behind not being known as a means to spew venom. As difficult as is (and it’s not always easy), we must learn to ignore them. We have to learn to ignore ignorance, as Allah tells us to.

    Malayekah, I admire you for leaving the other blog once you found out what it was all about. It’s a blessing from Allah that He took you away from there. I often wonder how Muslims could go to those types of blogs and write when they clearly see, as it’s all up in their faces, that the blog owner display such distasteful pics of Muslims, say everything that is contrary to Islam, slander our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and blaspheme Allah. I then remember, of course, that most Muslims don’t read Quran to know that they shouldn’t sit with those type of people.

    If Muslims read the Holy Quran, they’d know that Allah says don’t sit with people that slander and badmouth our way of life. Don’t sit with those who throw ridicule at Islam and our God (Allah).

    I realize that the “Muslims” who go there don’t know what Allah says. He says those who are not Muslim/Believers are deaf, dumb and blind, so why would a person who says he or she is Muslim go to talk with those who Allah says are deaf, dumb and blind? They can’t hear a word we say. They can’t see what we say. They can’t speak truth, as they don’t know the Truth. Those who say they are Muslims and go to talk to those who can’t hear has to be deaf, dumb and blind themselves. People who say they are Muslims and talk to those people are clueless, themselves.

    On the other hand, I realize that many people are hurting and in pain. Many of them don’t live Islam. They don’t believe in polygamy and they hate polygamy. They go where the haters are. They go to hear the hateful rhetoric that is spewed there because they can relate to it. It does nothing for them, but takes them further astray from the straight path than they already are.

    So, with all that said, I’m glad you have found us. You are a fortunate one. Please share with us whatever you are comfortable in sharing. Ask any questions and I will try my best to help you.

  • Malayekah

    December 24, 2015

    As Salam Alaikum.

    I admire you all who started and continued this polygamy blog. I had a little blog , where I talked about my experiences as a revert Muslim, the daily strggles and lately about polygyny as that’s what Allah decided for me. First the blog was for me to make myself write for like therapeutical reasons, yes I could have written just in my private diary but I was never consistent , having blog and followers made it like my obligation which was useful for me.
    But something happened, someone called amal, posted such a disgusting comment because I was a revert muslimah and second wife. She used so many vile disgusting words and wished I would get a disease and suffer long with it. I supposed she was a born “real”Muslim.
    So I admire your strength here . It just shocked me why to come to my blog if you don’t like what you read, just leave then.
    I didn’t delete blog because of her but because things that she wrote we’re so evil and she doesn’t even know me or my life and someone can be so hateful. I know people do these kind of things but didn’t expect that from a Muslim. So I don’t want o call upon myself evil and envy and I don’t want to feel hateful things toward anyone.
    I also visited a blog %$#& !^&*. I think she found me there ( amal) i posted a comment the Muslim sister to help her with her situation because that blog is clearly so much full of hate toward Islam and Islamic way of polygyny) and came to my Blog to insult me in person.
    The owner of the blog says everyone is welcome but that ain’t true. The laugh and approve only what ridicules Muslims and Islam is big joke for them. I hope sisters who go there because of their search for help will leave quick before they start looking for husband number 2 also.
    Out of curiosty i read Many Posts there and few revert sisters actually really think they Will take second husband if their husband will take second wife astaghfirullah. I can’t believe how Muslims go with this clearly deviant bunch of people, their manners and speech is so disrespectful and the sleeve they are so proud because they can speak the ” truth”
    All muslims, specially women reverts are all brsinwashed and dont have Will or mind of Their own. If youre a Muslim and read something like that written by the owner of the blog -RUN or if you stay then stay only to try to save some Sisters from it who end up there to seek advice.

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    and to all a good night LOL

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone out there in cyberspace

    I know a lot of you may have some free time on your hands, so I’ve put together a post that, Insha Allah, will be helpful in reminding us to remember Allah. Remembrance of Allah is the Greatest thing in life, without doubt!

    How to Live Polygamy in Peace

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2015

    Want to let everyone know that I’ve heard from Sis Spirited

    She made it to Pakistan safely and soundly, and is having a wonderful time with her family. She said she will try to get to the blog, if she can while away, as the internet works there off and on. Just in case she can’t make it here, she asked me to send her best to you all

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s nice to hear you and your hubz have a game plan for your in-laws that should work nicely for all involved, God willing. I’m sure your hubz appreciates your thoughtfulness. I can understand why you’d put the home (that your in-laws will move into) in your name. I have put things in my name associated with my mom to keep a sibling in particular and the others, as well, from trying to capitalize on my investment. Sometimes people will come along and try to take what they aren’t entitled to. I’ve seen it happen. So, I get where you’re coming from

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Howdie All,

    I’m hopeful all the wonderful people out there are well. I’m very busy on the home front. Very good, awesome things are happening for the hubz and I that are keeping him and I extremely busy – making some serious domesticated MOVES (Alhumdulliah). I’m taking advantage of the quiet time on the blog to devote time to personal matters.

    I check in here when I get notification from my cell phone that a comment has come through. If anyone has anything to talk about, I’m still around. Otherwise, everyone be good. I’m feeling an incredible, amazing New Year like none other Keep the “Faith”.

  • Gail

    December 20, 2015

    Ana,

    I forgot to mention mari2 I really really hope everything is going to workout for her she seems like a really nice person by heart and has tried her level best to be a good wife to her husband.I wish I felt better about life being more fair esp in her case.I just can’t shake the feeling he is not sincere with her.

  • Gail

    December 20, 2015

    Ana,

    I have decided not to kick them off the property and my husband in return has promised to get them their own place on the property to live so that is a workable solution for now as long as he lives up to it and does what he has promised.
    My home is only a 3 bedroom 2 bath home it is not big enough or private enough to house my inlaws with us.They will need to purchase their own home and move it onto the property I believe this is a more than fair solution to the problem.I will have their home put on mine and my husbands name so just in case it don’t work out I can evict them to get them off my property easy if I ever need to do so.
    Now in saying this I would never do that unless my husband and I were to divorce then I would not want them on the property otherwise as long as they have their own home I am ok.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2015

    Gail,

    I agree completely with all that you said about Mari2’s marriage. Mari2 appears to be in a very delicate situation. She’s in a vulnerable position, as she has no leverage or support.

    The history of Mari2’s situation, based on what I can recall is that her husband had a first wife and Mari2 was a second wife. (I’m only using the words first and second to show an order). First wife and the husband divorced, paving the way for the husband to legally marry his cousin in Pakistan, so he could bring her to the US as his legal wife. The time for Mari2 to have gained leverage would have been when the first wife divorced. It was an opportunity for Mari2 to step into the first wife slot as legal with status (worldly status, but nonetheless, status).

    As it stands now, Pakistani cousin wife is legal with world status as wife. Mari2 is barely holding on, as you indicated. The husband clearly does what his mother says. The husband and his mother moved out of Mari2’s home. They are preparing for the Pakistani cousin wife to come here to the US to be with them.

    You stated Pakistani people don’t go for polygamy.They reject it as a valid, acceptable way of life. Mari2 herself has said the Pakistani cousin wife and her husband’s mother have put the pressure on the husband to divorce her. It is quite easy for him to continue to see Mari2 and live as husband and wife, as long as the cousin wife is not here yet. As you stated, once she does come to the US, Mari2 will apparently become a “secret wife”. I foresee the husband wanting to acclimate to the American way and live a life that does not entail polygamy or a relationship that resembles “cheating”, “mistress”, “affair”.

    Gail, it does appear to look more and more like what has happened to Spirited. Spirited’s husband got with the woman he wanted to be his wife and have children with. He no longer wanted to live polygamy. He got his citizenship, and wants to live the American way with his wife and children. It excludes Spirited.

    Mari2 has some options. She could wait till the other wife gets here and see where the other shoe falls: The husband could divorce her, and she becomes history. He could keep her as a “secret wife”. She could cut her loses, so to speak, and kick him to the curb now and begin building a new life for herself.

    Gail, it is nice that the door is open for your ex-co-wife to one day come to the States. I still think you may as well let his parents continue to live with you, just to have peace between you and your husband. Marriage is challenging and it takes work. We have to play the cards we’re dealt. Your life is just life the same as anyone else. There is no normal life. There is just life.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2015

    For those who are interested, there is some interesting BBC news about Saudi Arabia. In the State in the US in which I live, quite a number of mosques with revert Muslims follow teaching coming from Saudi Arabia and call themselves “Sunnis”.

    Is Saudi to Blame for IS

    Is Saudi to Blame for Islamic State

    When I went to Hajj, upon leaving, each person was given from the Saudis Qurans and other books. When I got home I rid myself of those books. The Saudi’s had ADDED their teachings to the Quran. It was unlike any Quran that I’ve read. I knew immediately something was wrong.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2015

    Mari2, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You mentioned that you read some ayat (verses ) from the Quran that lets us know we are not to be involved in sectarianism. I listed some below that mentioned we are one brotherhood, and aren’t supposed to divide ourselves into sects (shia, Sunni, Salabi? Houthi, Shabab? etc.). They are as follows:

    “Verily, this brotherhood of yours is a single brotherhood, and I am your Lord and Cherisher: therefore serve Me (and no other).” Quran: Surah 21, ayah 92
    “But (later generations) cut off their affair (of unity), one from another: (yet) will they all return to Us.” Quran: Surah 21, ayah 93

    “And verily this Brotherhood of yours is a single Brotherhood, and I am your Lord and Cherisher: therefore fear Me (and no other).” Quran: Surah 23, ayah 52
    “But people have cut off their affair (of unity), between them, into sects: each party rejoices in that which is with itself.” Quran: Surah 23, ayah 53

    “The Believers are but a single Brotherhood: So make peace and reconciliation between your two (contending) brothers; and fear Allah, that ye may receive Mercy.” Quran: Surah 49, Ayah 10

    “As for those who divide their religion and break up into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: their affair is with Allah: He will in the end tell them the truth of all that they did.” Quran: Surah 6, ayah 159

    “Turn ye back in repentance to Him, and fear Him: establish regular prayers, and be not ye among those who join gods with Allah,-” Quran: Surah 30, ayah 31
    “Those who split up their Religion, and become (mere) Sects,- each party rejoicing in that which is with itself!” Quran: surah 30, ayah 31

    “And hold fast, all together, by the rope which Allah (stretches out for you), and be not divided among yourselves; and remember with gratitude Allah’s favour on you; for ye were enemies and He joined your hearts in love, so that by His Grace, ye became brethren; and ye were on the brink of the pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus doth Allah make His Signs clear to you: That ye may be guided.” Quran: Surah 3, ayah 103

    “And strive in His cause as ye ought to strive, (with sincerity and under discipline). He has chosen you, and has imposed no difficulties on you in religion; it is the cult of your father Abraham. It is He Who has named you Muslims, both before and in this (Revelation); that the Messenger may be a witness for you, and ye be witnesses for mankind! So establish regular Prayer, give regular Charity, and hold fast to Allah! He is your Protector – the Best to protect and the Best to help!” Quran: Surah 22, ayah 78

    “Then shall We certainly drag out from every sect all those who were worst in obstinate rebellion against (Allah) Most Gracious.” Quran: Surah 19, ayah 69
    “And certainly We know best those who are most worthy of being burned therein.” Quran: Surah 19, ayah 70

    The following ayah seems to address what is happening in the world today with Muslims of one sect fighting Muslims of another sect. Muslims are fighting and killing Muslim everyday.

    Say: “He hath power to send calamities on you, from above and below, or to cover you with confusion in party strife, giving you a taste of mutual vengeance – each from the other.” See how We explain the signs by various (symbols); that they may understand.” Quran: Surah 6, ayah 65

    The above are just some of the ayat that addresses the Question of sects and the fact that we are one brotherhood. There should be no sunni, shia, or anything other than mere “Muslims”.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all the wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    I wrote a post that relates to what we have been discussing about husbands providing. The link is Wives Complain About Polygamous Husbands

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    Gail,

    All of it is news to me. Bill Gates does has enough money to buy all the homes within a mile radius of the landfill. I think the others involved along with him should contribute and he not be the sole one responsible. The whole thing is very scary. It’s like a few movies I’ve watched about corporations doing stuff that contaminates the water, land etc. and the people in the area gets cancer and other illness. The people did class action suits.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    Tasilyman, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It didn’t sound to me that your situation was a big ordeal. I totally understand how you would feel slighted in having to ask when he just naturally does for her. It is a matter of just swallowing your pride, as you said. You have so much going for you that you shouldn’t let a little thing like asking get in the way. Even if you have to ask every single time, it would be worth it. As Gail stated, you have to choose your battles wisely. Getting upset about having to remind your husband is not something to really get yourself worked up about. It sounds that he is a good husband. Just because he remembers when it comes to her does not mean that his love for her is more. Don’t let asking diminish in your mind the love that he has in his heart for you in thinking that it is less.

  • Gail

    December 18, 2015

    Ana,

    What is going on in Saint Louis is horrifying! I don’t know if u know much about The Manhattan Project but it seems it actually started out in Saint Louis and Uranium and all the crap from the Manhattan Project as well as other toxic waste have been dumped into this landfill there in Saint Louis.Others that have dumped there toxic sludge there as well is Monsanto and other big name companies.It seems Bill and Linda Gates has a couple of companies there as well that the people have went to the companies and gave them a picture book of children who have died and all the cancers going on there.Cancer in that area is up over 300% as compared to National averages.Kids that lived there in the 1980s grew up and moved away and even they r reporting Cancers and having children and even Grandchildren coming down with very very rare cancers.The uranium and other toxins have manipulated their DNA.The government has come out and said recently that yes there is a nuclear radiation polluting the air there.
    People are outraged and screaming at the government saying Hey u make people disclose if they have lead based paint in there homes before they sale them as it is the law but there is NO LAW requiring anyone to tell people that there home sits next door to a nuclear land fill AND not any Nuclear Landfill but one that has Nuclear weapons from WWII and The Manhattan Project!Again somehow Bill Gates is wrapped up in all this mess somehow and the people want Bill Gates to buy out all the homes within a 1 mile radius of the landfill.
    I am wondering what will happen if say u have a dirty bomb(an old bomb that has not been properly disconnected) and that fire reaches it and it actually blows.The fire is now from what I understand less than a 1000 ft from the nuclear waste.Also to top it all off as if all this was not horrible enough all this nuclear waste sites right on The New Madrid fault line.U can’t make this stuff up fact is stranger than fiction in this case.

  • Tasliyman

    December 18, 2015

    Aslm ladies

    Thank you for your input. I think Ana was correct in saying that I am a little hurt that he cares more for her.

    I was probably more upset by the fact that she don’t have to ask but I do. I know he will give if I just ask.

    Algamdulillah I have to count my blessings. Its not a case of him not being able to provide or that he does not want to, its just that he’s being an idiot and forgets. He’ll be the first to admit that he’s being an idiot.

    I have to guard against Shaytaan whispering in my ear.

    @ Ana,
    It’s not a case that he never provides for me. That’s not even a question. He just gets so pre-occupied with everything going on that he does not give me money if I don’t ask. He will make sure that his other family is taken care of in the sense of groceries and day to day stuff. But I must ask every time I need something.

    I have discussed this with him on previous occasions and he knows I do not feel comfortable asking for money. He is always very apologetic and admits that I shouldn’t have to ask he needs to remember to provide for both sides. It will be ok for a while and then he just forgets again and we right back where we started.

    So the answer to my problem is simply that I should swallow my pride and just remind him each and every time until it becomes second nature (and guard against feeling like he cares more for his other family).

    In the meantime the “dysfunctional side” in my family has also made its appearance and I have bigger things keeping me occupied than an oblivious husband.

    @Jasmina
    I hope your situation improves very soon. I know it must be very frustrating. We can only put our trust in Allah swt.

    @Gail
    This is definitely a case of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

  • asiya

    December 18, 2015

    But I do agree speaking up is the best option communication is key otherwise how would yu husband know he may think yu are happy and satisfied and I agree with Gail alot of husbands run around like chickens expecially in polygamy it’s thay easy to fall short and make mistakes because he has other things not only his wife’s and family to think of and take care for like work or relationships etc it is quite tough on husbands but in the end they did it to themselves,
    In polygamy yu have to speak up and communicate even in monogamy the husband cant keep up with maintanence of house or ur needs he won’t know if yu need makeup or food unless you say but the best way to ask or say is in a polite and formative way I have felt bad alot of the time whenever I needed to ask expecially when money was tight but if yu ask in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he can’t provide for yu and respectful there shouldn’t be a problem

  • asiya

    December 18, 2015

    Salamu alaykum I will say as a 1st wife you are not alone either, even before second marriage we were as they say hustling we still got money but living in a western country can be expensive expecially were I’m from lucky the husband has gotten better job now and we are slowly getting there

    Don’t feel bad if you don’t have everything straight away it took years for me to have what I have now what is expected in house etc which some of that was given to me just be thankful for what Allah is providing yu and remeber there is future that yu can have the things you like if ur patient

    Polygamy and coming into it is very hard on all aspects don’t expect everything to work out straight away now I see a lot of it is trail and error as long as all party’s are not stubborn and are caring of each other and of the situation each individual is in and and the rights of each other for fairness and by putting Allah first then you are on ur way to inshallah success

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2015

    Gail,

    Yes. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by Dr. Gray’s is a very good book. I have it and read it years ago. It definitely helps women to understand men better, and the differences between the sexes. I learned a lot from the book.

  • jasmina

    December 18, 2015

    sallam Tasilyman

    i know how you feel. when my husband and i got married I paid for everything amd was way too shy to ask for money.

    now now way, i ask and I drmand… still dont get what i want but oh well.

    my husband is yet to buy whitegoods, dining chairs, some furniture, fridge, plates, cutlrry, pots, etc etc. i dont know if he is waiting for me to buy it but I will not.i dont have money now anyway. i dont ask more than 2 times as he knows. but it gets me so angry as its hard living this way. i have to contribute to rent about 1 quarter but I stopped now… none of my needs are ever met so im not pitching in until they are met. i cant even buy shampoo or makeup or clothes and shoes so no more contributions from me, id rather spend that money on our needs. i dont like this situation but i am hoping it will change once he finds a better job. if not them i will start to nag. for now i am giving him excuses i guess.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    Gail,

    I haven’t heard anything about it. Gee wiz, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. I could imagine your astonishment 🙁

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    Tasilyman,

    A lot of times women who marry a man second is aware the man has a lot on his plate with one home and family to manage. The potential wife agrees to forgo any assistance. It’s okay to do. The problem is after a while the wife who isn’t receiving maintenance may begin to feel less than the wife who is being cared for. She oftentimes becomes resentful. She may now want the maintenance, which is okay , as well, BUT, she needs to know he may not be capable. She can’t get blood from a rock. She can either seek a divorce or try to do what she can with what she has. No one is expected to do what is beyond his or her means.

    When you retired and began the business with your husband didn’t the two of you discuss finances? Did he think you had money saved to continue to maintain yourself? Didn’t you know you may not make enough from a startup business. Most new businesses don’t make a profit for at least five years.

    Regardless, you should ask him. We are to conduct our affairs with mutual consultation.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2015

    Mari2,

    Thanks I am doing alot better mentally now that i got the cancer off me.I want to take it further though and really detox my body.

    Everyone,

    Has anyone heard about St Louis,Missouri and the landfill that is burning underneath and the WWII nuclear warheads that are sitting like 1200 feet from this underground fire?I live like 5 hours from St Louis and I stumbled across this today and am in shock about this.Was curious if any of u ladies have read about it?

    Tasliyman,
    I agree with everyone else here just remember that old saying women r from venus and men r from mars i think it goes. Anyway if u know for a fact he will give u the money then just ask him he is busy running around like a chicken with his head cut off so give him some slack.Be grateful he will give u the money alot of women can’t seem to get much out of their husbands even if they do ask so I would say pick your battles wisely this is not a big deal although I know it feels that way to u right now it really is not.Besides once u ask him a few times he may start remembering to ask himself.He is your husband so ask away sister don’t be shy!

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    Everyone, please make sure you don’t miss any comments. They are not falling in the order written. It happens when I write from my back office, and don’t write in the box above. I don’t know why it’s happening. I wrote comments after ummof4, but they fell below hers. I have to figure out how to fix it, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    A lot of people follow the masses. Many Muslims learn what the masses of Muslims are doing or believing and they do and believe the same thing. They don’t research it for themselves. They think that if so many people are following the same way it must be right. Contrarily, they are wrong. It’s the same with the vast majority of Pakistani Muslims who follow culture. It’s passed down from generation to generation. They follow the ways of their forefathers. Very few question it or try to change it. They just go with it. When shown the truth before their very eyes – what’s written in the Quran – they still don’t care. There are ayat in Quran about those people who follow the ways they found their ancestors following.

    It the same on the internet. Some people believe whatever someone says. They think it is truth. They don’t question it or verify it. It’s dumb to be so dumb, but they are dumb.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Yes there are ayat (verses) in Quran that admonishes us against being involved with sectarianism. Apparently most Muslims either don’t read Quran or worse know what Allah says, but don’t care.

    Unfortunately, reverts Muslims, who are new to Islam, don’t know any better. They follow everyone else lead. It’s not until they begin reading the Quran and/or Allah places a learned person (believer) in his or her midst do the person learn the truth. Insha Allah, when I get a free moment, I’ll post some of the ayat.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    Mari2,

    You made a wise decision. You knew you’d most likely have a problem loving his kids and you knew it best not to involved yourself with him any further.

    I very rarely hear of Arabs marrying anyone, but Arabs. Most think they are “the chosen ones”. They think all other Muslims are the equivalent of the “help”.

  • ummof4

    December 17, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum Tasliyman,

    Please ask your husband for money. Any man who marries should be able to provide for his family unless there is a contract that says he will not, and I don’t advise any woman to agree to such a contract. It is your right to be provided for by your husband according to his means. He will only know if you ask him, so ask him. Don’t compare yourself to his wife who never worked; he has to take care of both of you.

  • Mari2

    December 17, 2015

    @Gail. .glad the basal sarcomas went well. Family tradition among my pale Irish people. My gma always said “the nose is the first to go.” My poor cousin has had numerous melonomas removed from her arms and legs due to repeated sunburns as a child.

    @ Ummof4. ..yes you are correct that Arab men, or any man from a devout country is not going to run after a western woman with children and be totally legit in his intentions. Even here in the US, between people in the US and raised here, the blending of families is a delicate thing. Before I met M. I met a man who was witty and smart and had a good job. But what he also had was 5 children between the ages of 4 and 13, a crazy (in his words) ex wife, and a lot of issues with her family. I really liked the guy but bowed out of being with him because I knew the drama that awaited him. How could I love his kids? Maybe. But I would never have claimed such without being there with them. .to do so would have been a lie.

    And as far as cousin chosen wives, I understand how nice it is to be close to cousins. But I have nary a one I’d choose to marry. Since cystic fibrosis is carried on my maternal side according to the latest studies on my family, cousin marriages would be a death knell to children produced as a result.

    @Ana. .isn’t there someplace in the Quran that admonishes followers into delving into sectarianism? I’m sure I read it.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’ve come to learn that everyone has a story. No one has an ideal family, ideal spouse or ideal life – not in any sense of the word. Everyone has issues. It’s sad that society has caused people to think that if everything isn’t ideal in their lives, something is wrong, but don’t let everyone know their is no ideal in reality. People simply aren’t given the truth about life. Then they’ve come up with the word “dysfunctional” as in “dysfunctional family”. People are good for tossing that term around. It’s ridiculous. Everyone on the face of the earth is dysfunctional;some just don’t want to admit it.

    Wow, I think it pretty cool to have a dwarf in the family. I’m fascinated by little people. They are sooooo amazing. There used to be one who worked at the Whole Foods store that I go to. Her boyfriend or husband (whichever he was) who was a dwarf, as well, used to come there to pick her up. It was so cute. They, of course, had a specially designed vehicle, as well. You’re the only one I know who has little people in their family.

    I have to run out to the store to get some stuff for dinner. Insha Allah, I’ll be back.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    @Tasliyman,

    You are no bother at all. To help out as best we can and answer questions is what we do. No situation or problem is petty. Ask whatever you wants. You see Gail and I started talking about stuff related to the United States since no one else has anything to say. We’d gladly talk about polygamy when someone shows an interest in it and talk 🙂

    You are correct that everything we get or don’t get is from Allah. Our husbands are just one vehicle to deliver it. Now, if you ask your husband for something and he doesn’t give it to you, then, for instance, you weren’t meant to have it at the time or Allah will give it to you later, or will give it to you some other way. It’s when patience and perseverance comes in – when we don’t get what we want or don’t get it when we want etc. We don’t know what Allah’s plan is until it happens.

    As I’ve already said, you are doing nothing wrong if you ask your husband for what you need. In fact, you should. I know it must be hurtful to think that your husband automatically takes care of his other without her asking and you think you should be taken care of that way as well. BUT, you, yourself said she has never worked. He is simply used to taking care of her. Yo, yourself said you’ve always been independent, but now the circumstances and conditions have changed. Some men would automatically know he’d have to step up and contribute more. Some men just don’t know. It takes nothing from them that they don’t realize. It’s why we have to let them know what we’re thinking and what we want, so they have an opportunity to do what needs to be done.

    Tasliyman, I’ve been there with thinking that men should just know and do. I’ve been there when I was non-Muslim and just dating and I’ve been there while Muslim and married. I used to get myself all worked up inside, blaming them. I really was at fault for not letting them know. They aren’t mind readers and nothing says they are supposed to know just because we think they should.

    I think you’re just feeling a little hurt because it seems he cares more about her. It’s not necessarily so. It’s Satan telling you that bull crap to cause dissension in your marriage. Don’t let Satan play you like that.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2015

    Tasilyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Kindly ask your husband for what you need. It’s not begging. He hasn’t said he can’t or won’t give to you. You think he should simply know to do it. Sometimes we expect a lot from our husbands to think they should just know. I get it. Nonretheless, we just can’t assume. Ask him. Once you asked he can’t use that he didn’t know as an excuse. I know you are used to being independent and don’t want to ask, but things have changed now. Ask and if you must ask every time, it’s okay. There is nothing wrong in reminding our husbands. Don’t hold it in, as it will cause problems in your marriage. You don’t want to become angry and bitter. It’s Fajr time, so zI must run.

  • Tasliyman

    December 17, 2015

    Aslm ladies

    I’m sorry to bug you with my petty problems again but I’ve received so much help and insight here I just have to do it again….

    My husband has not been providing justly amongst his two households lately. I don’t want to be upset by this, how can I just let it go?

    I believe that everything we get (or don’t get) comes from Allah swt. There shouldn’t even be a but here BUT I’m struggling to just let it go.

    I know he does not do it on purpose. The background to the situation is that co has never worked. He always provides for her so giving her money comes naturally.

    I have worked since I left school and have been financially independent for a long time. I studied part-time while working. By the time I got married I had a stable well paying job and I did not need money from him.

    However, I resigned from my job and we started our company together. As it is still in its infancy stages we do not receive fixed salaries yet. So I no longer have my own money.

    He now simply forgets to give me money as well and I do not feel comfortable to ask for money. He didn’t forget to marry me, how can he forget to provide for me???

    If I mention it he will be apologetic and rectify the situation but I don’t see why I should. To me it will be like I’m begging for money.

    What would be the best way to handle this situation?

  • Gail

    December 17, 2015

    Ana,

    It is the same with me.I am not close to my family and never had a desire to be.Honestly i find my biological family strange.My mom has been married 5 times and my dad 3 times.My sister has 5 kids by 3 different men and 2 of them are really messed up(one child is a dwarf)She seems to be a great mom but she is such a big mouth I just can’t stand to be around her.She has also done some pretty $hitty things to the past that caused me alot of personal pain.She is a lousy sister what can I say.I am pretty certain she would give your crazy a sister a run for her money.I think my sister is more crapy than your sister lol Although I still pray for her and don’t wish her any harm I can’t find it in myself to mix up with her.My brother is nuts like seriously so I don’t even go there.My dad just had 3 strokes in a row but I have had nothing to do with him since I was 16 I am nice to him but don’t go out of my way.I can forgive people but may G.D forgive me I don’t want to be anywhere near them.My grandmother was my rock and I miss her more than words can say.She was my best friend and just the sweetest most awesome lady.She was a gossip queen but looking back it is ok that was her worse flaw so not to bad.lol At the time she granny drove me crazy with all her gossip G.D bless her.LOLI miss that little lady toooo much!!

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Ana,

    I started laughing when u said that neither of us vote.I guess I shouldn’t complain if I don’t vote but dang I just have in my brain there is a secret agenda to who will get in office so why bother.
    Is everyone on vacation today? The blog has been silent.
    On a different not it was some religious holiday and my husbands entire family got together.My inlaws live downstairs and his grandfather lives upstairs soooo the family is cut off from all these divorces.Everytime the family gets together there is always potential for a fight to break out even though excowife and her family and all my father inlaw siblings but one is upstairs and all my husbands brother and sisters and husbands and wives r downstairs.My husband is just waiting for his grandfather to die so those people will not come back.He says their hands r tied as long as his grandfather is alive.Not sure what that means as my husbands younger brother busted the old man in the head a few years back after the old man hit him in the head with a stick or pipe or something.It’s nuts I tell ya just nuts! I have not bothered to ask him about anything since i had surgery(didn’t want to stress out) I feel bad when people fight.

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Baseema,

    Your welcome!

  • baseema

    December 16, 2015

    oh thanks Gail! that makes more sense!

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Ana,

    I don’t vote either and that is only because I believe there is only really one agenda involved and each President elected plays his role in the agenda.I just read that since 1952 when the United Nations was established until the year 2000 they have stopped more than 2 billion 200 million births from happening or souls coming through(however u want to read into it) Religiously speaking the majority of believers believe that one of G.D commands was to be fruitful and multiply(have babies) but strangely now days it is all about population control(China,abortions,etc..) It goes much deeper but I don’t like the direction in which the world is heading.Everyone could live in peace and and we could make so much more things without all these wars and abortions and nonsense going on in the world.People are not even trying to be decent anymore lying,cheating,stealing,coveting,adultery,fornication,abortions,gays,etc… I don’t get it.By nature I love to create awesome things and try to do as much good as I can.There is something in our society that and the world that is not good.We should be teaching the future generation to aspire to good G.dly deeds and create amazing things(encourage them in schools) and out of schools.We are loosing are next generation I feel(sigh) anyway just some of my thoughts sorry to be so grim.When I think about my kids future it makes me want to educated them more spiritually.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    Gail,

    Gail, we are two crazies. Neither one of us vote and we just spent all that time discussing politic LOL Oh, my. Yeap, I only voted one time in my life and it was before I became Muslim. I can’t remember who I voted for or who was running for that matter. Sigh. I just read a few weeks ago that China has lifted the one child per married couple law.

    Gail, I think you are probably correct about the name being Hadier and not Heather. Baseema friend’s ears were probably tuned to his native language. 🙂

    @ Everyone

    Hello! Everyone out there, if you have anything to discuss about polygamy, we are here….

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    Gail,

    I agree with you whole heartedly that the Internet has brought with it a lot that is not good. It’s a handy tool for pedophiles, porn addicts, gambling addicts. You name it.

    I think Trump could win, if he refines himself more. As you said before, his team has to work on him. I think they’ve been doing it already.

    I think Obama gets a bad rep(utation). Obama uses intelligence and logic. A president can’t go off half cocked or we will be in world War 3 and it won’t be a religious war. It will be with Russia, North Korea, and Iran for instance. Sadly, the Republicans screwed the United States up so badly because they want to power play all the time, and then leave the Democrats to clean up their mess. Daddy Bush and his ignorant other son began the problem in Iraq with our (the US) involvement. As was asked during the debate last night, is it the US responsibility to bring democracy to other countries? If they have a dictatorship, it’s their problem. BUT, of course the US had a vested interest in Iraq – OIL!!!

    Actually, I don’t care who wins the presidential election. I could care less. I don’t even vote Lol

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Ana,

    I hear u loud and clear on what u r saying about Trump.Presidential Candidates say anything to get into Office hopefully if he does get in he will tone it down.There is no way he is going to take away the internet because the younger generation will not allow it.I will admit though that the internet and video games etc…have made people lazy esp the younger generation

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Baseema,

    It sounds like Heather in Pakistan but it is not is is spelled Hadier it sounds like head then er (header) but spelled Hadier.My nephews name is Hadier.Hope this helps.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    A boys name? Lol. That is very funny. Heather is a pretty name. I don’t know of many named it. I know of the actress, “Heather Locklear”.

  • baseema

    December 16, 2015

    thanks for your kindness Ana!

    i too hope Heather comes back…hehe i mentioned her story to my friend and he said in Pakistan “Heather” is a boy’s name!! he was kind of freaked out about hearing the name Heather and boyfriend in the same sentence LOL

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    When I said people need to leave people alone, I mean that they are not supposed to force Islam on anyone or force anyone to live a certain way.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    Gail,

    I think it boils down to this. The majority of the American people are SCARED. I don’t blame them. Many are latching on to Donald Trump and backing him because Trump is the only candidate who is talking what many of the people want to hear. They think that if Trump becomes President, he will help keep them safe. He will put up boarder to keep out illegal aliens and he will ban Muslim from coming to the United States. It sounds good. Sadly those people, including Trump, don’t know the history of the United States of America. They and Trump don’t know what is in the American Constitution. What Trump is saying, can’t be done in America. This country was built on Immigrants. It’s what this country is about. It’s about being a melting pot. The American Constitution includes “Freedom of Religion”. It’s why Muslims can be polygamist in the United States without going to jail, and without being harassed. Muslims, Mormons, Christians, Jehova witnesses, the Amish people and others are free to practice their religion without repercussions. It’s why this blog is up and running today and has been since February 2009. Donald Trump is advocating turning off the Internet. He is foolish. It goes against “Freedom of Speech”, which is part of the American Constitution. This blog exists because we have “Freedom of Speech” in America.

    Trump thinks like Hitler. You mentioned the holocaust. Yes, it could be like that for the Muslims, the same as it was with the Jews. The man (Trump) is anti-woman, anti-Hispanics, anti-blacks, anti-Muslim and much more. I suppose he think we should take down the “Statue of Liberty” and change the name of “Ellis Island”. Trump needs to learn the history of America, so he could talk intelligently. He needs to educate himself on American history.

    A major problem is that there are all these so called Muslims scholars, Imams, sheiks, with edicts and whatever they want to call themselves out there and they are USELESS. They do nothing constructive. They encourage Muslim divide. They set up their little mosques all over the place; mosques popping up here and there. Some are for Sunnis; some for shia; some for shalabis; some for kurds; some for Houthis; some for this group and some for that group. They are all SECTS, which Allah clearly commands us in the Holy Quran not to have. Allah says DO NOT divide our religion into sects. Those who enter those mosques for particular groups of Muslims defy Allah. A mosque should be for Muslims, period, point blank, end of story. Allah made us Muslims (those of us who are) and He named us “Muslim”. Allah did not name us any of those others names associated with Muslims.

    All those people who have given themselves titles such of Imans, sheiks etc. have done no good. They don’t bring people together and they don’t promote peace. With all the problems that exist with terrorism, no one has heard so much as a peep from Muslims (a Muslim voice about it) until just recently. Recently, after the San Bernardino killings, a few Muslims were on the news talking about the problem. The ones I have seen on the news have been Muslim FEMALES. Muslims haven’t been vocal enough. It as though they are sitting back just listening about terrorist acts happening, and don’t care to get involved to do anything about it. Sadly, non-Muslim are fighting the battle alone with the help of only a few Muslim countries such as Turkey, Jordan; although the majority of terrorist call themselves MUSLIM. It wasn’t until a FEW DAYS AGO, after an international outcry, that Muslims from the Muslim countries got their butts in gear, and are going to act. Saudi Arabia had meeting for the last few days in which 34 Muslim countries got together and created a coalition to combat terrorism. REALLY!!! It’s about friggin time. The terrorist are Muslims. The hate rhetoric is coming out of those countries. People in those countries are so used to everyone blowing one another up that they have apparently become numb to it. The Saudis and the UAE only care about eating up the wealth among the “royal families” and the wealthy. They hog all the wealth that belongs to the people.

    I actually think Muslims are cursed because they have turned their backs on Allah. They have divided their religion into sects (groups, factions), which Allah says don’t do. They have put together some “he said, she said” books for Muslims to follow, which Allah never, ever authorized. People say a Muslim can’t have the Quran without the other “he said, she said” books that they put together, which is SHIRK (giving Allah partners and making something equal to Him). It’s is an unforgivable sin. A Muslim/Believer who READS THE HOLY QURAN knows that Allah says He protected the Quran and everything we need to know is in it. Muslims have put culture before Islam or abandoned Islam all together. It’s why Muslims are going through the earthly Hell that they are experiencing today. Allah promises so much good to the Believers. Well, apparently the masses aren’t believers, which is why their state of affairs is as it is today. Many people hate Muslims because all they know of Muslim is that they walk about saying they are peaceful people and they want to live in peace, but all the non-Muslims see and hear about is Muslims blowing sh!t up and they kill innocent people. Allah tells us in in the Holy Quran to leave people be; let them alone; let them live ANY WAY they want. He will deal with them.

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Ana,

    It’s strange that he has come so far so fast.It goes to show how the country feels towards immigrants and Muslims in general I feel.On one hand I like what trump is saying to stop immigration until everything is figured out.I personally agree with that what I don’t like is how he is saying it I guess.He is opening a Pandora’s box that is sure to cause a major disaster in this country between immigrants(mexican and muslims) brought on by white people mainly.I thought it was mainly the lower class whites the one driving around with the old Dixie flag hanging from their old pickup trucks that are uneducated and prejudice but I think I might have misjudged this as it seems even the middle and upper class are against as well.
    One thing I am seeing clear is the next war seems like it is going to end up being a religious war.I am really worried that we may very well be on our way to another holocaust if people don’t wise up and start caring for their neighbors.
    Again I do believe without a doubt we need immigration reform in a huge huge way.Let immigrants come fine but don’t give them citizenship with the exception of say maybe marriage and the foreign spouses children and that is it.All these people coming here taking advantage of marrying and then applying for their 12 brother and sisters and all their spouses and children immigrating to USA needs to clearly be stopped and I am all for that.Just wish Donald would say it in a more aesthetically pleasing way if u know what I mean.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I was just reading Quran this morning, and came across some ayat (verses) that speak to what I have said on the blog from time to time – that we cannot do anything unless Allah wills it. We can’t remember Him, pray, read the Quran or anything unless He wills it. We should ask Allah to allow us to do the things that He tells us to do. Only He has any power. Many people think they have it (power), which separates the believer from the unbeliever. The entire Quran let’s us know Allah only is in control, not we. The Quran is filled with admonition.

    Some of the ayat from Quran are as follows:

    “Nay this surely is an admonition” Surah 74, ayah 54

    “Let any who will keep it in remembrance!” Surah 74, ayah 55

    “But none will keep it in remembrance except as Allah wills: He is the Lord of Righteousness and the Lord of Forgiveness.” Surah 74, ayah 56

    “This is an admonition; whosoever will, let him take a (straight) Path to his Lord.” Surah 76, ayah 29

    “But ye will not, except as Allah wills: for Allah is full of knowledge and Wisdom.” Surah 76, ayah 30

    Allah must will a thing before it can happen. We make nothing happen. We don’t select our spouses. We don’t marry when we get ready. Anyone in a polygamous marriage is in it because Allah willed it. Everything is Allah’s will. No one will understand the ayat (verses) of the Quran, unless Allah wills it.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2015

    Gail,

    Yeperooo, dear ole Donald held his own. I actually thought he did well. He may be a serious contender. It’s going to be interesting. People think he may make a difference. If he were to be President, he will change the face of politics. He’s got it going on right now.

  • Gail

    December 16, 2015

    Ana,

    Ole Donald is moving on up to the Top! Seems he is determined to get a piece of the Pie Pie Pieeeeee! LOL

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s fantastic that you are doing so well. No super duper painkillers. Good for you! You are one tough cookie, for sure.

    Yes I hope we haven’t run Heather away. I think she really is just taking the time to digest all of the information she just received. She sounds to be a bright girl so I don’t think she will buy what he’s selling. I’m getting ready to go watch the presidential debate Republicans GOP. I can’t wait to see what Donald Trump is going to say this evening that will cracks me up lol

  • Gail

    December 15, 2015

    Ana,Ummof4,

    Thanks ladies but honestly i feel perfectly fine not even a 1 out of 10 on the pain scale.I have cooked liver masala and went to the store and cleaned the house.I told my husband u would think as horrible as my nose looks the pain would be a 10 plus.I don’t know why but truly there is no pain involved.I don’t know if it is because she burned all the skin and it burns the nerves also or what the deal is but for sure I am not feeling any pain and I have take no meds at all nothing.
    I hope we did not chase Heather off with all are blunt chat to her.The way she talked I could not figure out if this is just an online relationship or if her and this guy have met and carrying on a relationship.Everyone gave her good advice!

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    baseema,

    You’ve got a point there; it certainly won’t be easy for Muslims to migrate to the west like they used to . People are scared almost to death here right about now. I don’t blame them one bit. Who knows who’s going be and explode themselves and others, thinking they’ve got it going on and are headed to Jannah. It’s incredible how stupid and ignorant some people are. They are dumb as dirt.

    Women from the West have to use their noodles (brains). Those Muslim men from places like Pakistan prey on vulnerable women – older with children. I could see how women fall for the okie doke. I thank Allah much that we have this blog so that some with eyes can see, and not get caught up out there. What an awful feeling it must be for a woman to help a man get citizenship only to have him divorce her. He then brings his other wife from his country along with all her family and his to the US or UK and such. If Heather is wise, she’ll run from that man like her shoes are on fire. I don’t care how handsome and charming he is. He’s not worth her time and trouble. The man means her no good…

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    baseema,

    It’s okay, Sis. I know you didn’t mean any harm. It’s good you mentioned it anyhow, because it gave me an opportunity to just give a reminder to all that we’re trying to protect one another, our love ones and families, as well as those who err, and may have repented and asked Allah’s forgiveness etc. No problem, sis

  • baseema

    December 15, 2015

    ok sorry ana! i was wrong to ask the first name but i thought since everyone in pakistan has similar names, it would still be pretty anonymous. i didn’t mean any harm, and i thought maybe i could pass along some good info! i’m still pretty skeptical that this guy has a good job and is playing online games-maybe he works online, and if he has so much money, he hooks up with someone older and divorced with kids? sounds very fishy to me, be careful Heather! it doesn’t make sense…good luck! don’t waste years of your life! and think hard of your kids too…if he doesn’t already travel to the US, he’s going to be nearly impossible to come here now, and the age difference they are going to look closely at…especially now with the terrorist attack in california.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    Arzoo,

    I just read some posts that I missed. I must say, WOW, with regard to the posts that you wrote to Heather. You put it out there clearly and precisely. Anyone in the predicament such as Heather and reads your posts should take NOTICE. They should wake up and take heed. I agree with ALL that you said. It was very considerate of you to take the time to write it. Thank you for sharing!!!

    I think all here who commented to Heather or indirectly to her gave very, very good advice. I thank you all for contributing. It helps when people voice their thoughts by way of writing here. The writers give readers something to read. Without writers, there would be no blog.

  • ummof4

    December 15, 2015

    Gail, I’m glad to hear that your surgery was quick and simple. Take care of yourself and let your husband and/or children cater to you for a day or so. They are not little babies any more and can be a great help to you, In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2015

    Sis Gail,

    Thank you so much for letting me know you are okay and all went well. I thank God! Try not to worry about how much of your nose they took. Just be thankful they didn’t have to resort to the more radical procedure.

    Try to reduce the stress in your life, God willing. Try to stay in a positive mindset and eat good nutritional foods, food based supplements and medicinal herbs. Take it easy, Gail. Don’t worry so much about the in-laws etc {hugs} ♡

  • Gail

    December 15, 2015

    Ana,

    I had surgery to remove the cancer at 12 45 it was so fast took like only 5 minutes.I was shocked at how much of my nose the removed though.It was way more than I expected but i am doing fine.

  • Gail

    December 14, 2015

    Ana,

    Thank u for your kind words I will let u know tomorrow how it goes.These doctors are in the business to patch them up not cure them.I have been listening to lectures over lectures.Alternative health is best if u ask me.
    American woman have got to educate themselves on other cultures if they want to marry into another culture in my opinion.Americans are very naive we think everyone is like us and thats just not the truth.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    It’s sorta like a newcomer wife who joins a marriage in progress. She thinks she’s BETTER than the other wife.

    In the case of a foreign woman (for instance, an American or a Britain or whatever), she thinks she’s better than the Pakistani, Indian, or whatever (who is usually seen as mealy-mouthed, timid, submissive etc).

    The foreign woman thinks she’s hot and the man’s native women are not

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Gail,

    Thank God it was caught in time and the removal process will be easy. You are such a strong lady. I admire you for your strength and determination. Gail, you know how I feel about doctors; most of them suck. They are awful. I have a good allergist, dermatologist and dentist. I didn’t find them easily, either. Nonetheless, stay optimistic and fight the fight.

    I agree with you that the women are probably tired of American men and foreign appears better. They just don’t know what they’re getting themselves into.

    I agree it probably won’t be good for Heather or her children, if she marries him. It will probably be a nightmare for all of them. Arab, Pakistani, Indian or whatever, there is no real difference between men from those “Muslim” countries. They all are steep in culture and have a low regard for women.

    What is strange, the foreign women knows how the men treat women from their own country. What make the foreign women think they are all that different???

  • Gail

    December 14, 2015

    Ana,

    I don’t know what to say your right it is the same old story different woman.I feel bad for these women they want a decent guy so bad and I think alot of women are sick of the average American guy and looking for something different and these foreign men come along do and say all the right things it seems exciting,different,etc…
    Heather seems like such a nice southern girl but I don’t believe for a second her BF has her or her kids best interest at heart.I know in Pakistan and I assume most Muslim countries the men get the children.I know my own husband when it came with my older son he was like let him go with his dad.It was a mess I can’t even explain.
    Heather having 3 kids and her 2 oldest might want to go live with their dad or start acting up being disrespectful anythingggg and he is going to fly off the deep end with her about her kids.It will end up in the long run being a huge mess for Heather in my opinion.
    Anyway……….. The doctor called today with my biopsy results it came back Cancer again (Basal Cell Carcinoma) On one hand I am really pissed off because I told that doctor back in April to look at my nose and he did and he said it looked fine and it was not anything to worry about and then I see another doctor at the same clinic and she instantly tells me it looks like Cancer to her.I mean What the crap!! The good news is that it is on the top of the skin and she is just going to scrape it off.Had it not been caught I would have had to had part of my nose removed and then plastic surgery so I am grateful in that respect but these doctors are something else.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Heather,

    It is sooooo good you’re turning to Allah for help and guidance. True guidance comes from Him. You are doing so good in spending time in prayer and fasting. Alhumdulliah!!! I pray Allah is well pleased with you. 🙂

  • Heather

    December 14, 2015

    Hi ladies, I’m still reading all of your words of wisdom and am taking everything to heart. I am stepping back and seriously thinking about things. I like I said have told him, I need time and need to redirect my train of thought. He is respecting that and has backed off. Sure it’s only been 12ish hours but for two people who texted and talked off and on all day/night that is a large amount of time.. Of course I am and will take a lot more time. I’m not a one stop pass to America and will not allow that, neither will I allow my kids to be put in the path of this.
    I’m sorry, but I will not give out his personal info, his country, family members, or any thing remotely personal to him.. He has placed a trust in me and I respect that.
    When asked about diplomatic status, no he is not a diplomat, but yes he can afford to travel and take care two house holds. He has a very very comfortable job that affords him those opportunities.
    On a bright side.. Yesterday I spent in prayer and fasting.. My first ever fasting!! So excited.. I was seeking guidance and help with all of this… I’m so thrilled Allah blessed me with all of your help and guidance.. Thank you all

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Heather,

    DON’T put his first name or his parents, nor his siblings’ information.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    CAUTION!!! NOTICE TO EVERYONE!!!

    Do not, do not, do not, put any information on this blog that will help lead to the identity of someone. It’s is not what this blog is about. It’s not about being a detective. If someone wants to play Sherlock Holmes or such, don’t do it here. It’s not about who someone is, who the person is or who their family is. This blog is about helping everyone with their situations. Of course, there will be stories that sound alike. No one needs to know the true identity of anyone. It goes against the rules and regulations of this blog.

  • baseema

    December 14, 2015

    Heather, Just curious, because he sounds so much like someone I know. What is his first name? Or what are his parents and siblings that he lives with? You don’t have to say their names, but just who and what relationship. Like brothers, sisters, how many, etc…Either it’s the same person I know, or these guys are all the same like Gail says!! lol wow!! I could write the same exact things that I have heard! You better be suspicious…..

  • ummof4

    December 14, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Heather, I suggest that you take time to think about all the advice and warnings you have been given here. I agree that Arab men from Arab countries do not usually marry women older than they are and do not marry women with children if the men have never been married and never had children of their own. Women with children are generally looked upon as used goods, never as good as young virgins. Now, a man who is 50+ years old, who is already married or has been widowed or divorced with children, might consider marrying a 38 year old divorcee with 3 children. The differences in American culture and Arab culture are amazing. The fact that you pursued him means that he already sees you as a loose woman – Arab women do not pursue men, and Arab men do not fall in love before they are married. Even if you had been born and reared Muslim in America, it would be extremely rare to find a 30 year old single Arab Muslim man who wanted to marry you.

    As someone else pointed out, how will your intended travel to the United States for 3 months twice a year if he is not a permanent resident of the United States? Young Muslim men from Arab countries are only allowed in this country on a 90 day fiance visa(they must be married within 90 days or they must return to their home country) or a work visa for a job that is essential. They cannot even come to visit their family for 3 months if they have relatives here. I know this for a fact because my son-in-law is from an Arab country and I was the one who did all the paperwork for him to come to the US. Is your intended a diplomat, who can come and go as he pleases? What is his citizenship?

    Since you are a relatively new Muslim, I advise you to learn more about Islam and being a righteous Muslim and put marriage on the back burner for now. Learn how to make salah and fulfill your duties to Allah. Become firm in your Islamic beliefs.

    Thank you for taking the time to read our advice and comments. It says a lot about you and that you have a good head on your shoulders. If you decide to go forward with this young man, it will be necessary for you to have a walee for marriage, as all Muslim women need a walee for marriage.

    May Allah guide us all and keep us on the Seeratul Mustaqeem (The straight path).

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s the same old story over, and over again, which is why I’m beginning to keep my mouth shut, and not be as vocal about it. I’m getting tired of talking about it. Those men are professional manipulators. They know how to con foreign women into believing the women are their queen and they can’t live without them. It’s all hogwash. The women WANT so badly to believe they are it – that they are the one – and have found prince charming that they go for the okie doke (the con).

    It dawned on me that the men parents want the men to marry the women of their nationality (for instance, Pakistani), knowing they will get gifts, money etc from the bride and her family. They know they won’t be getting diddly figgin squat from the foreign woman or her family. They will get NOTHING from the foreign wife and her family. Those men are all about their BLOOD family and about wealth. They are about keeping it in the family.

    As for Heather, her intended’s father said he could marry her AFTER he marries the woman they selected and only after two years of his marriage to the other. So, Heather get’s placed on the back burner while he is married, loving, living it up and having children with his wife. No one knows what will happen in the future. He may get his citizenship and do exactly what many of them do, divorce Heather, if in fact he ever marries her to begin with. Will he marry the other woman legally in their country? If so, he won’t be able to marry Heather legally. As you mentioned Heather could end up being his whore.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Heather,

    Whether your children’s father is around or not, what he does for his own children (when he has them) he’s going to have to do for yours as well. It’s not always easy for a man to do it. It seems that your intended cares a lot for your children now, but he wants something from you, whether you want to admit it and acknowledge it or not. He has a responsibility and duty in it to treat your children fair and just as though they were his own children. Many men don’t want to be bothered with other men’s children, especially when they have their own.

    I’m on the road now, but I think in a previous post you wrote that your intended was a bit standoffish with your children initially. As others have said he is probably seeing citizenship papers right about now so he’ll do what he must to get those papers, even if it is to pretend to love your children.

  • Heather

    December 14, 2015

    Ana, I think maybe you may be a little confused. He has never said he didn’t like my kids.. He has always claimed to love them, he says they are part of me therefore he will love them and respect them. What he stated was that he will always take care of me, but their father needs to take care of them.. In his meaning he was trying to say, that he doesn’t want to be a father to them, he wants to be a friend and example for them. He always always daily asks abut them, and makes sure they are happy.
    However I’m still so very touched by all of the comments on my situation, and I have asked him for time so I can sort all of this out before approaching him abut it.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2015

    Gail,

    What you said about the Muslim men who don’t like other men’s children brought home what I was trying to explain to everyone with regards to the ayah in Quran that says if you can not be just then only marry one. Heather’s husband does not like other men’s children, therefore he should only marry that other woman whom he is intended to. The situation is a prime example of what the ayah means. A man knows whether or not he likes someone else’s children. The ayah does not mean if you can’t be just and fair to women then only marry one. A man can be fair and just too many wives. The question is about the orphan children.

  • Heather

    December 14, 2015

    Wow, you ladies have certainly given me a lot to think about. I’m almost a bit overwhelmed.
    I can say I whole heartedly believe what you are saying about them being master manipulators, I can see so many situations where he has manipulated things to his advantage.
    I have so much to think about and absorbe. Maybe you are all correct and all I am to him is a ticket to America. I am so very lost and confused now.. Lol

  • Arzoo

    December 14, 2015

    and all of things i have said about him valuing his to be bride more etc. he will not show it to you because he knows that is unacceptable in your culture. He will act like he doesn’t care about the girl and is only marrying her for his family’s honor. Even after marriage the way he will deal with her will make you think that he doesn’t love her like he does to you. Its only because you are western and he has to tolerate your ways and behave toward you in a certain way. He doesn’t have any such obligation to other wife and showing love to wife in front of others is not acceptable so she will not mind. Those women actually have a false sense of pride in their man and marriage if the man acts all manly and dominating to them in front of others and doesn’t express love. They are all like Oh he is such a pious man and a man of honor. Expressing love or even to be openly agreeing and following what your wife says is seen as a weakness. I am not sure if you understand what i am trying to say her. Basically you have no idea what he and his family are thinking of you and believe me its not very good. If he had met a woman younger than him and had plans to marry her and have kids with her then that will be a whole different situation for his family. Now they are not taking it seriously. They don’t see you as a threat or a serious candidate for his wife. I don’t want to hurt you with my words and i personally don’t judge people for age, marital status or anything but i am just trying to tell you the bitter truth. Its beyond a person who is raised in US to fully grasp it. gail is a rare case and she too only understood after visiting Pakistan and staying there for long times and after she has already spend 10 or more years of her life on it. Please forgive me for anything hurtful i said. I will keep you in my Duaas!

  • Arzoo

    December 14, 2015

    Heather, You sound like a very honest and nice person. You are taking on a lot in a short time. You are new to Islam. You have a job and a lot at stake 3 kids to take care of. Polygamy can be hard and takes toll on people even when all involved are accept polygamy and make best efforts to be kind to each other. In your case there are so many red flags and you sure are going to be under a lot of emotional distress. Just think about how all that will affect your ability to stay sane for your kids and to continue performing well to keep your job. I completely agree with Gail. Go into it with your eyes wide open. The stress can take a toll and maintaining your job and being a happy and caring mother will be next to impossible when reality of polygamy happens. He doesn’t have any intention to tell his to be bride about you. He is not forced to marry her. Because of his conditioning he will always value her more and consider she is more pious and worthy than you just because you have been with other man/men before. If you will ever be mentioned to his family or his bride it wont be as a Wife and as an equal to her. It will be more like Oh a desperate older american woman trapped him. The attitude in most Arab and Pakistani etc culture is that men will be men, if a woman is pursuing them how can they control themselves! Only women are seen as responsible for their own modesty and men not blamed of taking advantage if woman voluntarily comes after them. Its almost expected that if they are in US they will be involved with an American woman.
    The next steps i see happening is maybe you deciding to not help him with green card. Once he plans to visit or talks about it you will be scared of losing him and you will eventually come around and apply for his green card only to realized that now you have more to worry about i.e. not only that he can leave you but also he can leave you and you have made it easy for him to bring his wife to America and she no longer have to be away from him for 3 months and serve his parents. they will live as free love birds in free USA. So like Gail if you are looking out for yourself and kids you best option is to choose lesser of the evil i.e. not help him with immigration.

  • Gail

    December 14, 2015

    Heather,

    Everything is fine what u r saying we all have personal stories.The point I was trying to make is that they r master manipulators.For example when u told him to forget the immigration I would expect his to say EXACTLY what he said to knowing Muslim men now.lol he tossed it out there that he might not be able to see u(feed on your emotions) This is how they manipulate looking so sincere.As far as kids he told u straight exactly what I said upfront about not caring for another mans kids.I don’t care how much he likes them they r not his blood and u have to wrap your head around that.He will have children with his other wife and It would not shock me one bit if he told u that u had enough kids.Does he want kids with u and if he does u have to know his kid will be favored.My husband has also told me that these men have no trouble to leave their kids behind after getting citizenship.Same mentality as a slave owner screwing a black slave back in civil war error understand and u the white woman have become the slave and your kids the half breed or disposable.Just try to wrap your head around what I am telling u and file it under information for the future when he starts pulling his crap with u.
    I was raised in Arkansas right next to u in Texas so sister to sister I am telling u do what u want but do it with eyes wide open.Mentally take notes of what I am telling u and keep the upper hand at all times. 1.Don’t immigrate him tell him straight up u have been reading horror stories(tell him what ever u want but don’t immigrate him) because if u make no mistakes eventually he will immigrate his wife and kids.His family is going to be all for his other wife because either she is his cousin or someone very close to them like a family friend thing.She will scream and the family will have to listen and if they don’t guess what they will have a damn family war and the family will break and everyone will be telling your husband to get rid of his American Whore.It happened to me exactly like this and from everything u have stated it seems u r following in my footsteps.
    I thought when I met my husband I hit the jack pot and I did but damn I destroyed his family unknowingly because he was greedy and wanted immigration.Now I hate his family and my excowife whom I should hate but emotionally can’t is sitting in a village looking like a dumbass and have been disowned by the family.
    He divorced her before we married so he could marry me for immigration but kept her on the side for nearly a decade(8 yrs) and she being stuck by her family and his because they were cousins had to serve his family while he was here in USA playing house with me and making babies with me understand.When she finally figured out she was not coming to USA and stuck in Pakistan while he brought his kids to live with us and for me to raise them in USA while she served his parents in Pakistan.Your life is going to work basically the same way as mine.She will live with the inlaws and care for them while he is bouncing back and forth.Listen u don’t have to answer but what does this man do that he can afford to country hop every 3 months? He obviously don’t have a job to where he is needed here in USA so how he is going to do all this? I am telling u the truth it is not easy to split your legs both sides he is going to tire very fast doing this and it seems to me he living in a fantasy world.I am assuming u have never traveled across the world it is not fun after the first few times.It gets old fast I can assure u.
    Your only real upper hand here is don’t adjust immigration status for him but then on the other hand if u don’t be aware very aware if he has to leave USA then our marriage is finished.If u stop and see he has all his bases covered.It is like playing tic tac toe.He has made the move now u make yours.He will win or u will come out in a stale mate.THat is best u can hope will happen.I don’t see a way for u to come out a winner in this deal.
    Also one more thing I am not sure u are aware of but in muslims countries the don’t marry for love.They marry for families to merge and make stronger family units love comes after marriage never before.Those people marry their children to unknown people.MY sister inlaws were married to men they never had been around until their wedding day if u could imagine having to have sex with a man u did not know.This is how it works there is not such concept of love before marriage.So don’t buy into what he is doing because what he is doing with u is not part of his culture understand? This is a huge red flag that u need to understand.So if u take love out of then what do u have left? Motivation to advance his or his family status because that is the way it works.I will explain more if u have desire to know more.I am not against I just want to warn u that hey go into this eyes wide open.

  • Halma

    December 14, 2015

    I am a silent reader on this blog and agree with Gail because I have heard sad stories before.

    Heather , you seem like a lovely person but I feel he may want citiznship.
    Can I ask which country , the guy you are talking is from?
    Please dnt answer if you feel it is personal

  • Heather

    December 14, 2015

    Hey, Gail.
    I was so hoping you would reply to my posts, you have so much wisdom and insight to share.
    Wow, let’s see where to begin lol.. On the issue with my kids, I do know there is a problem, in the beginning he was very stand offish about them and didn’t really want to discuss them. He even went as far as telling me, “I will take care of you forever but I won’t provide for another mans kids, their father must provide for them” over time, he has come to accept them more and more, and now wants the opposit, he wants to provide for them and wants very little involvement from their father (or so he says). Every day he asks about my kids and has built a bond with my daughter, she is only 5 but her and him communicate in such a sweet way like they are best buddies. In the times that he and I have argued and I wouldn’t talk to him, he would always reach out to her.. Maybe he is using her to get to me, but I would think such a godly man wouldn’t ever do such a thing.
    There is a story that goes along with the question “can you have more kids” to make a long story short, yes I can still have kids. I had a tubal but it failed and my tubes are still functioning..
    I did very much after he and I met seek him out, I spent hours upon hours trying to get his attention. Once I gained his attention, I yes flirted a lot and teased and taunted him.
    on the citizenship thing, I don’t honestly remember who brought it up, it may have been me but I can’t swear to it. I know at one time I told him, to just forget it and let’s not bother with it. He accepted it, and claimed to be worried about leaving his wife “me” here and he not be able to come to me as he pleases but said he would accept it if he had to.
    I am a very untrusting person and have tried so hard to catch him in a lie, I twist things and turn them and ask the same question to him hundreds of different ways, trying to catch a lie or some trickery and I can’t seem to catch him in one. Even my boss says either he is a very honest man or very good at covering his tracks.
    I have told him in the past that I will not under any circumstances allow for the other wife to be brought to America and even told him I would go as far as having documents drawn up to prevent this, I know I can’t do that but I did threaten it. I honestly did not accept polygamy until the past week, and was very very mean and horrible to him in regards to her. I often told him, if I ever were to meet her, he should start to plan her funeral. I was raised in southern Texas, we kill first and ask questions later. I somehow feel that the behavior I showed towards her involvement seriously play into why he doesn’t want me to meet her. Honestly, I really don’t want to meet her, or talk to her. I can accept her in his life, but am not to the mindset of befriending her.
    I need to get dressed for work.. I will write more in a bit.

  • Gail

    December 14, 2015

    Heather,

    Hi and welcome to the group I am Gail.I read your post about your man and I want to chime in.First I think u r a very sincere lady and u really are devoted to your guy but in saying that I do see some serious red flags for example him not wanting u ladies to meet.I think the real reason he don’t want u both to meet is because he has no intentions to tell her about u or he is using u for citizenship.Listen the major red flag here is u have 3 kids no Muslim man that I personally know takes on a woman with 3 kids unless he has something to gain out of it like citizenship.Muslim men are not really into raising another mans child/children and u have 3(that is alot)which is highly suspicious.The other lady he plans on marrying is going to be a virgin(muslim men hold them in highest regard)Even on the marriage licence it is written Virgin,divorced or widowed for the woman.
    MY sincere guess is he has no intentions to tell her OR she has been made aware of u and has been told he is using u for immigration and will divorce u once he has obtained status and this is why he is telling u that both will never meet.She will be the mother of his children.Can u have children or have u had your tube ties?I am bringing all this up not to hurt u but to make u aware of the reality of your situation.U mentioned that u know for a fact he is not using u for USA immigration.How do u know? because u went after him?because he didn’t mention immigration to u? These men are master manipulators and I mean professional.Do not think for a second the girl he is going to marry is to weak to speak up NO WAY! She has no clue more than likely what is going on and I doubt he will tell her until they r married/trapped her.Their minds just don’t think like ours they are very selfish but come across as they are so honest.loving,caring,etc…It is all an act to get what they want.
    I know everything I am saying to u is not what u want to hear but I been in your shoes once and I would have sworn my husband didn’t use me or manipulate me for USA immigration but I was totally wrong and when I figured out the truth it about destroyed me.I sincerely believed I was so destroyed that I ended up with cancer because of it.
    I will be honest if u r smart u will tell him straight up u will marry him but u r not going to be filing any immigration papers for him because he will have 2 wives and that is against USA law and u have 3 kids and u can’t be going to prison for him.Again I am serious tell him this and see how he reacts.Be smart Heather and protect yourself.Marry him if u life but don’t adjust his status.U keep the upper hand.Don’t trust that u will get him citizenship and he won’t divorce u.Muslim woman on average DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT accept Polygamy.I truly do not seeing his wife accepting u if she ever comes to know she will tell him straight to divorce u.U don’t get it she will scream and her family will go to his parents and demand he divorce u and bring his wife to USA to live.
    In your case his wife in not in USA and he is not from USA u r both from different cultures and u just don’t know his culture.Polygamy is beautiful but everyone in the situation has to be agreed and there is just NO WAY I believe his family would accept u having 3 children when they already have a wife for him.
    Let me ask u this is his dad Polygamous or is he just married to his mom?
    Think about what I have written.Have u met him in person or are u both just doing the internet thing still? I am happy u are with us and I am really sorry I couldn’t be more positive in my post.I am not saying don’t marry him I am just saying your first instinct was correct to run away but since u are emotionally trapped now keep your upper hand and DO NOT immigrate him because the day u do my guess is the next day he will file for divorce.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Heather,

    I used to be an open book LOL You and I have something in common regarding age; I’m eight years older than my husband. It hasn’t made any difference. I look way younger than my age, anyhow. No one knows I’m older than he is unless I tell them. I haven’t read your last two posts other than to see the first few sentencing of the last one you wrote before approving them. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you 🙂

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    Hi Ummof4 it’s lovely to meet you..
    I’ll be happy to answer all of your questions. I’m an open book.
    Let’s see, I’m 38, and he is 30. He has never been married before and no kids for him. I have three kids, 14, 11, and 5. No the kids are not Muslim as I just converted a few months ago, and want to let the boys the older two see by example and make their own choices, my daughter is 5 and is very curious so I have no doubt she will follow my actions. I chose to keep polygamy a secret for now, because I don’t think the kids will understand.. I’m a grown woman and it took a lot for me to understand it. I don’t want to confuse them.
    He chose no contact between the two wives because of me, I’m, well I was in the beginning very angry hurt and lost.. I wanted nothing to do with anything associated with her.. He wanted to spare me, he knows how hurt and jealous I can get. Likewise I’m sure he is sparing her feelings too.
    Yes during the three month rotation, we will be living in separate countries, we will apply for citizenship for him in time.. A lot of people have used this against us.. Saying he targeted me for citizenship.. So we are waiting a bit to apply for it. The odd thing is I approached him, in the beginning. I pretty much kept talking to him and seeking him out.. I was rather pushy, in my actions.. ? I admit 100% I flirted and chatted him up.. So I know with out a shadow of a doubt he isn’t using me for citizenship. I know you were not referring to that, I’m just so used to everyone in my life thinking that and I’m used to defending it. ? We don’t have many supporters in our corner.

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    Ohh my the stories I could tell you all.. I really push this mans limits and test him atleast once a week. I never intend to but somehow I always do. He is so different from an “American” man and I’m slowly learning how to handle him.
    He and I met on a game we play together and instantly hit it off, just random chatter about total nonsense.. Being American and Christian (at the time) the first thing I asked him was “are you married, if not are you dating anyone” he instantly replied “no” to both questions. So I kept chatting with him, weeks went by and he kept saying “there is something you need to know about me, but I dont know how to tell you.. I don’t want to lose you” so I would push him to tell me and he would say “now isn’t the time” we hadn’t spoken on the phone or seen each other at all.. So my mind was spinning… I was thinking the worse!!! One night I had had enough and said “look are you a lady?” He replied “WHAT SURE NO” so smart mouth me said “well is it sure or is it no” HAHA HAHA he was at a loss for words, and typed in such a tone (is there is one) “I AM NOT A LADY!!” So I laughed and waited a bit.. Then said “ok so your married and you didn’t tell me the truth” well smart mouth him said “yes that is it, I’m married” now I’m at a loss for words, cause I have fallen for this man, and I was speechless… After what seemed like an hour, I wrote back, “this is where I walk away, I bow out gracefully and go.” He started typing really fast “wait wait was a joke” “don’t leave wait wait” so I stayed.. Then he said (I’m sure this was so hard for him, he just knew I would leave) “I am not married, and have never been but.. I have a bride promised to me” he paused for a long time, to let it sink in to my head, and said “don’t leave, but search your heart please… I’m still the same person and I don’t want to lose you ever under any condition” the he quickly said “it’s time to pray, I have to go” so here I was with this news tossed in my lap.. My heart was torn, my head said “Run run fast as you can you will never catch me I’m the ginger bread man” (yea, I really said that to myself) I thought about it all night, I had so many questions for him.. The next day when he approached me (with a text chat) he said “are you ok? Do you hate me” I replied “I’m fine, but I’m lost” he said “please before you make a choice, do one thing for me, read An-Nisaa…” So I agreed.. Then the next day he said again “are you ok?” I replied “I’m fine but lost” he said “you have many questions for me don’t you” I said “hell yea.. More than you can answer” then he said “please do one more thing for me, go to your local mosque, and talk to them” some how I responded to him and said “yes I promise you I will go” every day he connected with me.. But never one time pushed me.. So I went, and came home and then I approached him, I said “are you ok?” ” he said lets talk” he answered all of my questions.. One by one.. And from that moment, I knew I loved this man heart and soul, and would give him my life..

  • ummof4

    December 13, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Heather, welcome. Since you were married for 18 years, I know that you are no rookie when it comes to men. I am glad that you decided to be a Muslim. Islam is the perfect way of life, but Muslims are humans, and therefore not perfect. You say you are 38, how old is your prospective husband and how old is the other wife he is planning to marry? Has he been married before and does he have any children? How old are your children and are they Muslim? You have decided on 3 months on and 3 months off, will you be living in different countries during this time? Does your intended have his citizenship or permanent residence yet? If not, will he be using you to obtain it?

    On another note, has your intended explained why he does not want his 2 wives to have any nontact with each other? Also, why do you want to keep polygyny a secret from your children?

    I know I asked a lot of questions, but if you ever need advice, it will be helpful to have some basic background information.

    Heather, make sure that you read the Qur’aan and ask Allah for guidance daily. It is important for your growth in Islam.

    Everyone, have a pleasant week and remember Allah often.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Heather, you are sooooo funny. Your posts have me cracking up laughing. Your guy will have his hands full. I only hope he can maintain his sanity LOL

    Men don’t know what they’re getting into when they venture into polygamy. Most women can’t digest that although it seems the men signed up for it and asked for it, they really didn’t. If the women could grasp that fact and retain it, they’d be at peace in a polygamous marriage. You said your relationship is a work in progress. Life is a work in progress…

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    You are exactly 100% right… He is very used to “timid, mild mannered and quiet” now he has “crazy, emotional, and loud” I tell him all of the time, “poor you, you have me… Who doesn’t hold back and never knows when to hush up, the her whom I’m sure is quiet and shy and never questions a thing” He sure will have his hands full.
    I can’t help but feel for the other girl, like me she didn’t ask for this.. It’s part of her destiny too.. NOW how she chooses to react to it, may be a whole nother story.. If she throws crazy on me, then I’m sure to send him back to her with scratch marks up and down his back as if to say “heather was here”
    I have so much love for my guy. He drives me insane sometimes and some days I do want to “run for the hills” but for some crazy reason he holds on and keeps me balanced.
    Thank you so very much for the kind words about me, I speak from my heart. I don’t know any other way. Lol…

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Heather, I think you’re going to be okay. It’s very sweet that you are compassionate. You care about how she feels to a degree. It’s very special of you. I know how it can happen. There were people who I had a strong dislike for, but on occasion had felt compassion for them, even if for a brief moment, which it was a hot minute LOL

    I bet you did scare the living day lights out of him when you flipped out. Most foreign men never seen anything like it – the crazy come out of a woman. They’re probably so used to the women being timid and subservient. I’m surprise he didn’t take off running LOL

    Good for you that you won’t stop working once you marry. Don’t give up your independence like that. Make sure that you have your own so that if you one day intend to rock and roll (leave) you’ve got something to do it with. Three months is a long friggin time to go without being with the one you love, but people have done it and it works. Now with FaceTime and all of that, it’s easier. I really get a good feeling you’re going to be okay.

    You remind me of another commentator “coco” (I sometimes call her coco puff) who stops in sometimes. It’s as though I’ve known you and she forever. It’s a warmth and beauty that comes through in your writings that I sense. 🙂

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    I swear I think I scared the living day lights out of him when I “flipped out” I said so many mean hurtful words to him.. He said he has never had a lady speak to him like I did before so I replied, “well you must have never hurt a Heather before until now” looking back on it now, I was in the wrong in how harsh I reacted to him, all he said was “hold on one second, that girl I told you about is on the other phone asking about my dad” I totally went bananas on him.
    He has told his father about me, and his dad did give permission for him to marry me, of course he gave his permission in an underhanded way, saying you must marry “the girl I picked first” then wait two years and marry your American. Thank God he saw through that and saw how his dad was trying to manuplipate the situation. He hasn’t told “her”about me yet, but promises me he will, as I have said I won’t be a secret to be kept from her, she has a right to know about me. We have discussed to an extent how we will handle the living situation, we will do “3 months on and 3 months off” rotation.. And I nor the girl will have no contact with one another. He doesn’t want me to work, but knows I won’t give up my job, so I will work and the money I make will go into an account for my kids future. We both agreed that we won’t tell my kids about the other wife, at least not any time soon.
    The funny thing is and I never thought I would feel this way.., while the thought of him with anyone other than me kills me inside.. I can’t help but feel a little worried for her, that she will feel the same way and that she will be upset too.. I feel a sense of compassion for her, that I never ever thought possible to feel. I even tried to talk to him about it but he quickly said “no we are not talking of her, I won’t do it, I won’t hurt your feelings” I know once we are married and then he is with her, I will feel so much anger and I pray that I am able to contain it, and not let it destroy me.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Heather,

    It sounds that you know what you’re doing. You’re very smart. You know pretty much that no amount of talking to him will change his intent to marry the other, especially if all of this family honor stuff, and not wanting to break his parents heart is involved. If he’s talking that stuff to you then you know his intent is etched in stone.

    What is his intention with regard to letting her and his parents know about you or do they know already? Have you discussed with him how you will live polygamy, for instance, where you’ll live; what the schedule will be like; finances etc. I laughed when you said you “flipped out on him” when he first mentioned her to you LOL.What woman wouldn’t??? If he’s talking about the woman without you asking, he’s got some emotions built up inside for her already.

    You’ll need to try to accept that the man whom you love will love another and it takes nothing from the love that he has for you. Coming to that realization, accepting it wholeheartedly, and not being fazed by it happens in time. You eventually won’t care that much about it. In the realm of things (the meaning of life) what difference does it make who he loves? Be happy and don’t care. There’s a lot to be happy and thankful for in life. I’m thankful I’m alive and kicking… I’m thankful Allah allows me to offer my salat (prescribed prayers) and read the Quran. I’m thankful I have a shot at entering Jannah/Paradise. Everything else is insignificant – especially whether my husband loves me. I need Allah to love me. He’s love for me goes a lot further in benefiting me.

    I believe as you do that Allah has a plan for each and everyone of us. I believe wholeheartedly that I’m not in control of anything let alone my own destiny, the same as you believe. So, with it said, you simply have to live life and watch it unfold before your very eyes, as we all should. We plot and plan, but Allah is the Master Planner.

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    Hey, Ana.. I totally agree with you.. especially on the part of the “other girl” he and I have had many discussions on the topic. His reasoning is that his family honor is extremely important to him and he can’t bear to break his parents heart. My view (one he won’t accept or admit to me) is that over time he has started to develope feelings for her and has grown to love her. I don’t know if he will ever admit this to me, when I ask about her he always says my feelings are more important than discussing her. The first time he tried to mention her to me out of the blue, I totally was caught off guard and flipped out on him, so I think maybe he now is worried of a repeat event.. I have quoted the Quran to him many times in regards to being forced into marriage by his parents, he always dismisses it, so I pretty much gave up.. If he wishes to marry her for what ever reason he has then so be it..
    I am very much not of the mind set that “love conquers all” I was married to my childhood best friend for 18 years and learned that lesson the hard way..
    I believe whole heartedly that Allah has a plan for each and everyone of us, and while sometimes I question my place in the scheme of things, I know it isn’t me who is in control of my destiny.
    I have to admit when I read your advice on backing everything he tells me up with the Quran, I laughed very hard.. To know me is to know I research everything to the extreme.. It has become an ongoing joke between us, I’ll ask him something and he will politely answers me then say “now go read such and such in the Quran and then go google it”

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2015

    Heather,

    Thank you for sharing a bit about you and your intended. It’s good you know some of what you may be up against in marrying someone with whom you will have many cultural differences. At least you’re not going into the marriage with your eyes closed. I suppose you love him enough to believe love will conquer all. Although, I’ve never read anything to support that theory in the Quran.

    With regard to cultural differences, it’s important that you differentiate between what is cultural and what is Islam. You’ll be able to do it, Insha Allah (if it’s Allah’s will), by reading the Quran. A lot of what many Muslims call Islam is not, which you may very well know by now in simply reading world news about Muslims. If Muslims followed what Allah says in the Quran and obeyed Him, they would call themselves Muslims and nothing else. They wouldn’t identify with any sect. There would be no sects. There would be no this type of Muslim is killing that type of Muslim and that type of Muslim is killing another type of Muslim. This type of Muslim says the other type of Muslim isn’t a Muslim, but is a Kaffur (unbeliever) etc. There would be none of that.

    I’d suggest you be careful with what your intended tells you, back it up with what is in the Quran. I can tell you that he being forced by his parents to marry someone whom they selected for him is not Islam. He seems to be one of the individuals who believe that what mommy says supersedes what Allah says.

  • Heather

    December 13, 2015

    Hi Tasliyman,
    It’s great to meet you, ☺️ I love reading the old posts, I get a lot of encouragement from them.
    My story is still a work in progress. My guy and I are not married yet. I will be the first wife and apparently there is a number two, or will be.. His family arranged for her, and had promised them to be married. He has put it off for a very long time and for what ever reason his family won’t accept for him to refuse her. I’m American and he is Arabic, we have so many cultural differences that we strive daily to overcome. When we met I was “southern baptist” and he introduced me to Islam… He set such an amazing example and has so much love when he speaks of Allah.. Instantly I was drawn to Islam and him.. I’m 38 years old and was raised in a baptist church, in all of my years I have never met someone with so much devotion and love for God. I converted to Islam in October of 2015 and havnt been happier. I have so much to learn.. The Arabic language kills me, but I’m trying and I won’t give up.
    My family and friends don’t understand Islam at all… And ABSOULTLY do not support polygamy. Every day I’m told to run and get out it makes it so much harder. I am a self sabatoger and have unknowingly pushed my guy so many times.. I do so many down right stupid things to push him away and he keeps loving me.. I can never imagine running from him.
    Well that is part of my story.. I’m such a work in progress every day is a learning adventure for me.

  • Tasliyman

    December 13, 2015

    Hi Heather

    I’m new here too.

    I’ve been spending the last few days reading many of the old posts. Many others went through the same things I did and still do. I now see things from different perspectives and my problems really aren’t as impossible to overcome as I thought.

    The honesty and openness experienced here is awesome. I’ve made many mistakes that I would not have recognised otherwise (obviously everything happens through the Will of Allah swt)

    I’ve been my biggest enemy all this time. Much of the pain was my own doing. I never believed my husband when he told me this. But I see now that he was actually right on many occasions. It’s not being in a polygamous marriage that was the problem. It was my perspective, believe and expectations.

    Whenever I tell my husband that im his second wife he would firmly correct me and say: “you’re my wife. There’s no such thing as a second wife. A wife is a wife”.
    Only now that I read an old post about it do I actually believe it.

    I suppose it’s different when you hear it from people who understands what you’re going through.

    I’m so glad I found this blog

  • Heather

    December 11, 2015

    Hi ladies.. I’m new here, and wanted to say how wonderful you all are. I have been kind of lurking for a few days reading your posts and learning so much. I’m so thankful to have found you all.. I have so many questions to ask and would love to share my story, as it unfolds. You all have so much knowledge to share and are so open with one another, I just love it..

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2015

    Gail,

    I remembered it because you called it right. She was amazing when it came to worldly knowledge – brilliant. On the other-hand, with love life and babies – oh well ??? LOL I do miss her though 🙁

  • Gail

    December 10, 2015

    Ana,

    I died laughing when u said Retarded Genius! I can’t believe u remember that!Poor Jenny she must be thinking about us! hahahahahahah

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    Here’s a link to an interesting article that I read about Trump today Trump: Wow, What a Day

    It’s says his latest remarks are damaging his business interests. “The Dubai-based Landmark Group says all Trump Home products will be removed from stores in the Middle East.” “Vancouver and Toronto, officials are calling for Trump towers to be renamed.” “Several US mayors want to ban Trump from their cities ‘until we fully understand the dangerous threat posed by all Trumps.'” “Stephen King can be added to the growing list of people scared by Trump. ‘That anyone in America would even CONSIDER voting for this rabid coyote leaves me speechless”

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    Gail,

    Who said the man has a team? Lol I haven’t heard that he has any advisors. He may be a one pony show. If he isn’t already a mad man now, he probably will be once this is all over. Do you remember you mentioned someone seems to be a retarded genius? He may be one of those ha, ha, ha

  • Gail

    December 9, 2015

    Ana and Mari2,

    I am just shaking my head in disbelieve at his mouth.I am conflicted by him on one hand he seems to be a genius in the business world yet a moron on stage and it’s not like he can’t afford a team to guide him.He almost talks like he is Mad!
    I almost wonder if he is doing all this on purpose because he thinks the Presidential Office is nothing but a joke.Nothing else makes any logical sense to me.I am just shaking my head in disbelief.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    I have to admit. He is comical and entertaining.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    You wouldn’t believe. I just reread all of our comments about Donald Trump and I began to laugh like a hyena. That man has made a farce out of the presidential election.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    Mari2,

    You called it right; education is key. I read some of the comments to the news articles online and most of the commentator don’t have the ability for critical thought. They haven’t a clue. Then I have to remind myself that the educated people who can reason and understand aren’t sitting there typing ridiculous stuff.

    I laughed today when I read that Trump tweeted “Wow, what a day”, referring to yesterday and all the interviews he had. He got chewed up and spat out. The man has to be exhausted. I actually felt sorry for him today.

    I’m with you that he appears to be trying to get kicked out of the campaign. He knows he can’t cut it. I think he was trying to leave before when he said he’d drop out if Ben Carson took the lead. Trump knows he couldn’t handle being president of the United States. This country would be in utter chaos with him as President. He has no clue what it takes to run a country. Then he had the audacity to say that President Obama is clueless.

    Trump has really done it now. What he has said has not only jeopardized the republican party, but his business endeavors as well. The man says whatever comes to mind. He doesn’t think before he starts popping off at the mouth. He’s making a spectacle of the United States. He is a serious piece of work.

  • Mari2

    December 9, 2015

    Trump…the orange howler monkey. I feel like he’s trying to get kicked out of the campaign. He can’t really be that stupid. Do none of his advisors understand the constitution? He’s crazy.

    There doesn’t seem to be too much backlash in my neck of the woods. But my area is pretty diverse. People around here are pretty educated with an ability of critical thought.

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2015

    Gail,

    No one seems to care that he filed bankruptcy for his companies twice. Jenny recommended his book to me years ago. I bought it and read half of it despite that I didn’t like him. I wasn’t impressed with the book. I wouldn’t recommend the book. It wasn’t helpful to me and it was a boring read. I can’t remember much about it. I think, if I remember correctly, he inherited a lot of his wealth from his dad who bought a lot of residential property and had tenants. Who knows. I only know for certain that he is a jack@$$. Could you imagine him negotiating foreign policy, if he became president? lol

  • Gail

    December 9, 2015

    Ana,

    I just don’t get Trump to be frank.I mean I know he must be a genius in the business world and honestly I think he might even make a decent President if he were actually serious.I just am at a loss about his personality.He owns so much real estate so I know he is not stupid yet he acts stupid and he must know what comes out of his mouth is rubbish.He obviously sees the presidential campaign as a huge joke.I don’t know what to think about that guy.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2015

    Gail,

    Quite a few American Muslims adopted the Arab way of dress. As soon as 911 hit, many of them started taking off those Arab people’s clothes and began wearing American attire.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2015

    Gail,

    It’s so funny as soon as I shut down the computer, many times I get a notification sound on my phone that a comment has come through for approval. I mean as sooooon as I shut everything off LOL. It happened withe your last comment. I turned around, came back to the computer and turned it on. I don’t like typing on my phone. It takes way too long and too much effort. I’m a lazy one.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2015

    Gail,

    I think many Muslims here in the States are probably concerned about retaliation. There are a lot of people up in arms about the problem that seems to be getting worse. I can understand they are fearful. No one knows who has entered the country who has embraced radicalized ideology, and wants to blow themselves and everyone else up. Let’s face it; what we hear daily is that Muslims like to blow sh!t up, including themselves and others. It’s way sad. No one hears or sees Imams, scholars or anyone else in the media speaking out against it. Only now I’ve seen some female Muslims who are being vocal about it. The most I’ve heard over the years is Muslims saying Islam is a religion of peace. Something more has to be done than uttering those words. It seems non-Muslims are fighting the war against terrorism, which is why it seems to be a war against Muslims. Where are the Muslim voices? I supposed they’re too busy dealing with Muslims in their own countries killing Muslims daily. Muslim Imams, scholar, edicts etc. – what do they talk about – how a woman shouldn’t get her husband angry or the angels will curse her

    Trump is a wild card. He’s a crazy mad man. He’s only making it better for the Democrats. He used to make me laugh. I used to listen to him to get a good belly laugh. I doubt very many people take him seriously. He talks about what he would do, but has no plan for how it would get done. He doesn’t know how the government works. He’s a flaming @$$ hole. Most people know it. He’s turned off Hispanics, women, Muslims – there aren’t very many people left to vote for him. He’s a joke.

    My mom and older sister calls me. They are concerned about me. I’m not easily picked out as a Muslim by appearance, especially since I’ve retired. I still cover my hair and dress modestly. I know Allah will protect me anyhow.

  • Gail

    December 8, 2015

    Ana,

    I tried to tell my son that but he just will not let anything rest until he knows the truth.We told him the truth today.Actually in our family we might be a bit strange but we tease each other by calling each other names I don’t like it but it just stuck like my daughter her nick name is Dum Dum like the sucker u eat and my older son is dummy or idiot and my little genius the kids call him Addd Dumb because his name is Adam.They don’t curse but they tease each other this way and they never fight with each other hardly even verbal and writing this out it sounds bad but as much as I have tried to get them to knock off and my husband says they r mild compared to paki kids.I don’t know.
    I am watching Donald Trump and all his statements closely.He couldn’t get people to back him about the Mexicans so now he has started on the Muslims.I am worried about this because these low level whites are going to jump right on that boat and might even start crap with Muslims.I live in the Mountains and we have nothing but idiots here uneducated low level whites.They hang there confederate flag and it just drives me insane.
    Don’t get me wrong I am all for immigration reform but not like this singling out Muslims.I think he is just picking on the Muslims because knowone cares about the Mexicans being here or they know nothing will be done.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2015

    I know most Muslims are feeling uneasy in the midst the negative talk about Muslims, such as banning Muslim from entering the United State. Some Muslims fear violence may be inflicted on them, as retaliation for what some radicalized groups have done. I thought US President Obama made an EXCELLENT speech that was fair and just to all people with regard to combating terrorism.

    President Obama said we must enlist Muslim communities as some of our strongest allies, if we are to succeed in fighting terrorism. He said Muslim leaders here and around the globe must confront without excuse the problem of extremist ideology that has spread in Muslim communities. He said Muslims must speak out against not only acts of violence, but the interpretation of Islam that is incompatible to the values of religious tolerance, mutual respect and human dignity.

    As I continuously say, it is extremely important for every Muslim to educate him or herself about Islam. They shouldn’t rely on anyone or anything other than Quran to learn their religion. They need to learn by reading the Quran to learn and live it. It’s not enough for a Muslim to just walk about saying Islam is a religion of peace. Muslims have to know it, believe it and live it, which can only be done by them learning their religion by way of the Holy Quran. Allah teaches.

  • Alison

    December 8, 2015

    Hey Gail just wanted to let you know you in my prayers and it will be well. Hang in there and take it easy on a lighter note I can’t imagine the scene with your son lool

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2015

    I’ve placed below an interesting article. It is about a woman who has been sentenced to stoning for having committed adultery in Saudi Arabia despite that there was not four witnesses. Most importantly stoning is NOT the punishment for adultery. It’s explicitly stated in the Quran what the punishment for adultery and fornication is – it is not stoning. The punishment is NOT death.

    It’s sad that many Muslims in the United States blindly follow the teachings coming out of Saudi Arabia, much of which is not in accordance with the Holy Quran. Many reverts jump on the bandwagon not knowing any better. Iran has far better rights for women than Saudi Arabia does.

    Saudi Arabia to ‘reopen’ Sri Lankan maid adultery case – Saudi Arabia to ‘reopen’ Sri Lankan maid adultery case

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2015

    Gail,

    I burst out laughing when he your little son asked why it looks like a weener. Lol when someone asks me something that I don’t want to answer, I just don’t answer. The person usually asks me a few times. When I don’t reply, the person moves on. I don’t think we owe anyone an answer, especially a child. It’s just my thoughts on it. Another way to reply may be to say something like, you don’t need to know about it right now. When you get older, you’ll know. I could imagine how mortified you were. I’d be more concerned with your husband calling your son’s brother and idiot. It’s not setting a good example. I hope that things was clean LOL

  • Gail

    December 7, 2015

    Ana,

    Thanks I also forgot to mention my Blood pressure was up 149/99 I got shocked but i know that is my own fault because i been fixing chutney and over salting it and I was wondering why I been having headaches.I never get headaches well now I know why.I came home threw the white salt out and going to get this under control ASAP.
    Hubby is back to being angry with me yet again.I swear for the life of me either I am crazy or he is crazy but for sure one of is.I didn’t even say anything this time to set him off.Well he claims I did but i have not a clue what it was.Sometimes I just wander what it would be like to actually have someone act like they care and wouldn’t be happy if I actually dropped dead.I mean dang I just had a freaking biopsy today give it rest already.
    Oh I have to share this with u as I really am in shock still.I get home from the docs office and told them to go find my polysporin cream so I can put it on my flippin nose.Well here come my 10 yr old looking at us and says what is that purple thing on dads side of the bed?Well I instantly new he was talking about the vibrator and I am $h!t myself trying to come up with some logical explanation.
    I am looking at my husband and he is just ignoring the question so I spout of leave it alone it is dads massager he looks at me and says his brother told him it is not.Well I again try to pass it off and tell him yeah it is and he says no it ain’t.I am like a little kid at this point feeling bad because he has caught me lying which I never lie but now I am feeling like I really have to hide the truth from him so I just say louder yeah it is and he says louder no it ain’t.The finally he says If it is a massager then Why doe it look like a WEENER!!HOLY COW is all I could think and I said because it is a hand massager go get it and I will show u.By that time my husband has chimed in and told him not to listen to his brother because his brother is an idiot! So my son brings it and I say see it is a hand massager it has dents here to where your fingers go.so he grabs it and holds it and I said ok let go see your hand is vibrating it helps.Finally he say ok.Brother says it is not that but I am going to go with you because u never lie.So now I am really conflicted what the crap I do as I feel really bad that I lied to him and feel like throat punching my husband because he is to lazy to put the toy up! I honestly can’t imagine telling him I lied even though he must suspect it all I can think is how i get into this mess and how I get out of it.I am just at a loss seriously.This may sound crazy but I have serious issues about lying as it is just not something I do but today I felt fear to tell the truth and so I lied.I am going to throw that idiot toy in the trash where it belongs!I think I need to contact Dear Abby for advice!

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Everything is going to be okay. Look at it optimistically; you went to the doctor and she picked up on it immediately. It’s a good sign!!! You’re catching whatever it is in time. Most importantly, she could remove it, and make your nose smooth again. It’s a wonderful thing. All women are self-conscious about their face. I can relate to your concerns, as I’m sure everyone here can. Allah hears our prayers. Keep your head high and stay in a positive frame of mind. I’m always thinking of you.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2015

    umof4,

    That is really cool u can see so much better.I really wish my eyes were better than what they are but no luck.Keep us posted I like reading nice stories where people are improving.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2015

    Ladies,

    I want to ask u ladies if u would not mind praying for me I went back to the doctor today for my 6 month Cancer checkup and everything is great behind my ears but I have this growth on my nose(I had it 6 months ago) but the doc who did my cancer surgery told me it was nothing but today I go in and this new doc she said it doesn’t look good and took a biopsy of my nose.I DON”T want cancer on my nose and if it turns out to be Cancer it is not going to be good.I have seen mole nose surgery on yourtube and it is like watching a horror movie.It is all over the front of my nose this crap and why the doc did not take a biopsy last time I don’t know he said he couldn’t even see it yet this lady doc she saw it right off the bat and was worried.What I am describing sounds like it would be some huge mole on my nose no not at all just my nose looks a little bumpy but nothing that anyone would say OMG!!! Either way she told me she can take it off and make my nose smooth so I really looking forward to once again having a perfect nose.I am so self conscience of my face.I spend so much money on facial laser treatments just to look beautiful! lol ok that might be over doing it but I really do like having a nice clean smooth face.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2015

    Spirited,

    Unless your Doc did a vaginal ultrasound there is no way to really know if u have fribroids or not.They claim they can tell by palpating.One female PA did a Papsmear on me and palpated and said I don’t feel anything and I would be surprised if u had a fibroid so she shoots me up with the depo shot(I call poison shot)horrible horrible shot and would not recommend it to anyone unless it was last resort.
    Anyway I got to a OBGYN and he sends me for a vaginal ultrasound and I have a fibroid that has made my Uterus 3 times the size it should be.How in the world the PA missed that is beyond me but she did.Now mind u I am not saying u have a fibroid I have no idea but u sure have all the same symptoms that I do.U might just need to be on BC pills but be careful my breast cancer doc flat told me to never go back on BC pills because they lead to breast cancer.Now mind u he did not come out and say that but exactly but that is exactly what he said in a round about way.I don’t know the answer for us ladies with PCOS but I guess I don’t have to tell u that.
    Good lord where r these 60 yr old men coming from.I am 44 and I would not consider a 60 yr old man.I mean u don’t want 3rd marriage anytime soon.lol
    So hubby quit his job and lost insurance and didn’t even have the decency to tell u.
    I agree with u that these Pakistani men don’t want to loose their kids but u know what u r right they loose them not only on the religion side but on the culture side as well.My husband told me recently that his word means nothing in our home and honestly I agree with him.I don’t see myself as bad but I do see myself as very different him and I don’t have interest in his culture and as far as Islam he really never has talked much about it.It is really strange because he made that choice to use me for immigration thinking he was going to come out a winner in this deal but I can’t help thinking he might have just come out the looser in this deal because his kids don’t respect him and see is as a liar and cheater,thief person and me the one that was suppose to get cheated has the kids getting money and he is working like a dog to support us and if I want to work i work and if I don’t I don’t.I mean compared to other women I have queens life for the most part.Pretty crazy stuff!

  • ummof4

    December 7, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, I’m still waiting on my surgeon to tell me when he will remove the cataract from my left eye. Hopefully it will be soon. However, my vision has increased tremendously and I can read without my glasses. When I read Qur’an before my surgery, I had to read one that was at least 8 1/2 by 11 inches. Now I can read one that is 6 by 9 inches.

    Everyone have a wonderful day. We all have to remember to thank Allah every day for all that He has given us and do our best to obey Him as He has commanded us by doing what He has ordered and avoiding what He has forbidden.

  • Spirited

    December 7, 2015

    Salaam and hello everyone

    How are you all this chilly late night? I’m in the final few steps of that long research paper, so I guess I’m slacking off.

    @Jasmina, thank you for your input, it sounds like it might be an interesting article you mentioned. Funny enough, I listened to a webinar run by a muslimah who does marriage counseling, talking about the big mistakes muslims seem to be making in marriages. (yes I was spending more time not doing my paper, lol). She actually didn’t discuss much that I didn’t already feel or implement — nothing comes of adding fuel to an argument, no point in comparing spouse to someone else, no idle threats, time alone won’t solve a problem, listen to spouse before speaking your mind, put yourself in spouse’s shoes, do what you do in your marriage keeping in mind you’re doing it for Allah’s pleasure towards you, let your spouse feel they are special to you. ~ that’s the gist of it anyways. I thought maybe I had been doing something “off” and could learn to mend my ways for next time around, but I know it wasn’t me at fault and this webinar actually helped confirm it.

    @Mari2, yes, I agree and I’ve told my soon-to-be-ex-husband. But really, how much do you think a man who doesn’t do anything Islamic would care about Islam? He keeps behaving like if he ignores it, everything will be ok — “out of sight, out of mind” as they say and I’ve definitely not been in his sight since before June. He hasn’t said he won’t divorce me, it’s that he keeps pushing it off to “next month” (excuses include: didn’t have time to come to my state, wants to do it in-person, too upset right now, etc). Well, when I get back I’ll deal with it.

    @Ana, lol I think you had to exercise some restraint. I was very upset a few months ago too, you know that. But I’m over it, whatever happens is for the best. Allah does say don’t trangress/go to extremes so I’d rather take the high road and leave the garbage behind instead of retaliate. Thank you for your compliments 🙂

    @Gail, hmmmm can a fibroid develop just like that in a few months? I last had a checkup a few months before June (when the idiot I was/am married to was still here, we did have health insurance through his job which he quit without letting me know of course. I didn’t even know about the insurance cancelling until I got a letter from the company). My gynecologist didn’t mention anything being off at that time. I’m not bleeding too much, but obviously it still shouldn’t be happening at all until it’s the right time of month. Of course I’ll get it checked out when I get some insurance — I applied through that government health portal thing, so let’s see how that goes.

    Oh I’ve already let plenty of men go, Gail. There are the blowhard-better-than-yous, a couple of men in their 60s…, some who brag that they’ve got so many other women waiting on them to give them an answer (my reply — ok then go pick one of them, bye bye). One guy that I really had good vibes with and I got along great with him and his family but my family didn’t get along with him, so that was a bust in the end. Then there’s guys who seem to be madly in love with me, but I’m completely uninterested in them…one or two have even been a bit pushy and getting TOO touchy. It’s like hello, what do you think you’re doing…then the ones who are kind of creepy and won’t leave me alone (sort of fit into the madly in love category) who insist on sending me messages and get upset if I don’t reply…. [big sigh here] Well, the hunt continues.

    Gail, you know what I think it is with these men with non-muslim wives, they’re afraid that since in western countries the women get the children 9 times out of 10, they think they’ll lose the kids. Even though, if you ask me, they’ve already lost their children by having them with someone of a different religion. But hey, they made their bed, let them enjoy what little life there is. Oh, there’s also the alimony and child support laws they’d have to deal with when leaving a citizen, and we all know that many pakistani men are cheapskates, lol

    @Lynnette, Hi!! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you post! I hope you and your loved ones are doing great! Thank you for your wishes and suggestions! Really though, at this point, there’s no way he can’t give talaaq. Shoot, it was even his own suggestion that I go ahead and start looking for a man to marry, as he said “Find someone else. I’m not a good person, there’s someone out there who will treat you how you should be treated.” In my mind, it’s so over already. It was fine as long as I had even a shred of respect left for him, but that’s been gone for months, so too bad for him.

    @Ummof4, how have you been? Thank you for your emotional support as well. I feel it’s definitely the best step to take at this point, Allah knows I gave it my best. My parents are super stressed out though. They’d never say it, but I can feel that I’m a burden once again. My dad points out how he can’t sleep because he’s worried if anyone will want to marry me (and I’ve heard him screaming in his sleep with whatever nightmares he has about me and my mess). My mom is always stressed out too, but she has my siblings to worry about plus me again too. Well, it is what it is. Insha’Allah things will work out. Thank you for the information as well.

    Alright, I better get back to finishing up that paper. I also have an exam tomorrow, yay ~

  • Gail

    December 6, 2015

    ummof4,

    How are your eyes doing?

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    Lynnette,

    Hey you, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. It’s good to hear from you

  • ummof4

    December 6, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Lynnette, it’s good to hear from you.

    Spirited, I am not one to suggest divorce to most people, but I am extremely pleased that you have decided to be divorced. Your “husband” has finally told you what you already knew, that he has no intention of being a husband to you at all. He just wants you to have a marriage on paper. I will make du’ah that he does the talaq ASAP and you wait your 3 menses and be finished with him. The advantage with a khul is that the waiting period is only one menses, so you can be finished faster. Since you are in a state of constant bleeding, most scholars say then just count 30 days for each menses.

    May Allah grant you a speedy divorce whether through talaq or khul. May you take the necessary time to seek a righteous husband who will appreciate you and treasure you. Getting to know you on this blog makes me believe that you will be a wonderful asset to any righteous Muslim man who is ready to be a husband.

    Keep Allah uppermost in your life, and you will be successful. And don’t leave this blog. We love you, little sister. Have a good visit with family in Pakistan and stay safe, In shaa’Allah.

  • Lynnette

    December 6, 2015

    @Sister Spirited, (and As Salaamu Alaikum All!)

    That lying, gaming, no-account man…well, there ARE remedies for him, and I sincerely hope that your Father or another male relative steps up and asserts himself to protect you. Of course it would be ugly for you to be the one to say “Immigration fraud is a crime, and bigamy is a deportable offense” but you have relatives who could make that case to him and get you your talaaq. Knowing all I have learned about Pakistanis, it is so true that a woman stands to be judged by the reasons for her divorce from the man. If he is a proven scoundrel, it does seem to ameliorate (make better) the woman’s position on remarriage.

    Sister, I am praying for you. I’m also proud of you for “soldiering on” with updating your courses. You are going to make a fine Doctor one day, insha’Allah.

    Much love, and my prayers for peace and blessings for each of you here — older commentators and new ones. <3

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2015

    Gail,

    Based on what you have stated on the blog, I can only assume they treat your biological son by your husband like royalty because he is part Caucasian. Caucasian is king to them, so he is seen to them as being superior to the Pakistani children.

    I have to agree with you that it is “disgusting”, as it hurts the other children to their core, more than most people know. The other children may begin to resent your baby son as a result of it. It is so good that you try to explain it away to the other children in an effort to make them feel better. It’s very sad. You try to raise them without a difference being shown and those adults, whom you’d think should know better, counter it.

    It coincides with what I have been trying to explain to people here on the blog about the ayat (verses) in the Quran that refer to orphans – in particular, the marry 2, 3, or 4, but if you can’t be fair, then only one. The masses in the Muslim world don’t understand the ayat about being just. The one that I mentioned refers to orphans (to the orphans – a woman’s children who aren’t his -such as a widow (with children) whom the man marries. The man marries the widow, for instance who has children already), but most Muslims haven’t a clue. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to be just to all of mankind and ESPECIALLY to the orphans. The one ayah doesn’t apply to a man and his WOMEN. It’s about the orphans, but it can’t penetrate the average Muslim’s brain. They only go with what they are told. Most of the Muslim world lack understanding, which is why their condition is as it is today. It’s almost an embarrassment to claim being a Muslim now-a-day. They don’t read Quran. They rely on what others tell them or they Google what they want to know and take it as “Gospel”.

    It’s so good that you recognize how your younger son is treated and you try to smooth it over with the other children. It hurts children badly to be treated differently from other children. It scars some for life

  • Gail

    December 6, 2015

    Ana,

    I tell u something else as well I noticed.Everyone treats my biological baby son like he is a prince.It has been that way since day 1 and I don’t really get it but they do.I tell the other kids those people are crazy and their little brother is the baby but they see the difference as well.It is just disgusting to say the least.
    Needless to say I had to pull my son aside and explain to him that he is not more special than anyone else namely his brother and sister.
    I just really always found it strange.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    Gail,

    As soon as you began talking about how the Pakistani men treat the foreign women differently than the Pakistani ones, I immediately thought of Jenny. She used to speak of other Pakistani men who were married to Jewess women and the men treated the Jewess women way better than the Pakistani ones. It true what you said about the ones who have children by the men; they get preferential treatment. Although, Jenny’s co had children, as well. I think a lot has to do with men from those regions devaluing women. They know they can’t played that with most foreign women. Speaking of Jenny, I miss her despite what went down, but I won’t go there.

    Regarding Spirited, I think I’d be to through, if I got played by one of my own. I know what she means by doing something to jack him up badly, but, of course I wouldn’t make the suggestion. I’m going to mind my own business on that one and leave it alone. The thought of what he did is upsetting to me and it didn’t happen to me.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2015

    Jasmina,

    I know the double standard is disgusting and u should bring it up to him now that u have seen her pics of him and make him answer for why he did that.My guess is he was trying to keep u secret because he knew he would be taking another wife or was messing around on the side and didn’t want their to be proof in case another woman saw the pics and inquired about them.I mean I don’t know this for a fact but it sure seems to be that way if he took pics with her and she posted to FB.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2015

    Ana,

    Unfortunately what Spirited husband did to her happens all the time.I am noticing more and more the men are abusing their Pakistani wives more than their foreign wives.
    My own husband abused and neglected his Pakistani wife for nearly an entire decade before the truth came out.He kept her in Pakistan serving his parents and never calling her or talking to her and not giving her sexual rights in all those years.The problem is the Pakistani girls are taught to take the crap from their husbands if they complain to much then husband kicks their butt or tells her straight he is going to divorce her it becomes a mess and her value becomes zero.
    For some reason the Pakistani men will not hardly let the foreign wife go espppp if they have children together.Look at Jenny her husband kept his first wife in Pakistan serving his mother while he set house with Jenny and started popping out all these babies.Same with me my husband kept his Pakistani wife serving his parents in Pakistan while he set up house with me here in USA.
    Mari2 case is different in the fact she doesn’t have kids with her husband so his Pakistani wife is going to come up in that case.Same with Spirited case.I don’t why these men are acting like this and being so cruel to one wife while lavishing over the other wife.It is for this exact reason I feel sorry for my excowife.Knowone deserves to be treated poorly.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2015

    Spirited,

    U need to have a vaginal ultrasound done as soon as u can.It sounds as though u might have a pretty large fibroid tumor.I have PCOS as well and was diagnosed back in the summer with a a very large fibroid.My uterus is 3 times larger than normal.U got to get this taken care of as soon as u can because they want to take my uterus out if it keeps growing.The put me on hormone pills which has stopped the bleeding.I don’t recommend this but if u r bleeding so bad and r at your wits end then u can get a Depo shot to stop your bleeding at your local health department and that will buy u some time until u get your insurance or u can get on birthcontrol pills.U need to be on BC pills so that u don’t try to ovulate until u r ready to become pregnant.
    From what I understand even if u have a large fibroid they can take it out without u having to loose your uterus but please pay attention to this and don’t ignore it if u still want to have children.
    I am happy that u r looking for other potential men for marriage but DON”T U DARE let anyone snub their nose or look down to u or act like they r doing u a favor to marry u.You have a beautiful personality that shines through and any man will be damn lucky to get u for a wife never forget that.Take your time if u feel something strange with a man let him go until u find a good pious decent G.D fearing man is my advice.I am really excited for you.
    How is your mom and dad doing with all this I would think they are happy for u to start this next chapter of your life.

  • Mari2

    December 5, 2015

    @Ana
    you are right that I will not have anything in common with 2. Even m himself talked about the princess syndrome of ignorant paki girls and included his sister in the mix. Yet…bil of husband coming to stay before he leaves to uni. Apparently at my home, not where M currently lives with his mom.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    alison,

    I’m sorry to hear you lost another post 🙁 It happened to me when I used to click the grey box with the arrow above, type in the grey box, and hit save and return, NOT submit. Whatever you don’t type in this box here doesn’t get saved when typed in the grey box and the save and return is clicked. You can only submit what is in the grey box. I hope I didn’t confuse you. I’m not really sure what you do that causes it, if it is not what I just mentioned.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I suppose 2 simply just doesn’t know any better. It’s how she has been reared. It sought of like the JAPS (Jewish American Princesses) or those Italian girls who are spoiled rotten with all the jewelry etc. It’s ingrained in them. It defines who they are. At least many of them are educated.

    Most people are all about self, material possessions and gain. This worldly life is their Paradise. Only those who know the Truth about life know there is a higher purpose. The believer could have the best in this world and the best in the Hereafter when he or she serve, worship and obey Allah. Anyone who doesn’t do those things, simply try to get what they can in this life as it is all that matters to them. There is nothing else other than worship of other humans

    You won’t have anything in common with 2. So, even if you wanted to be her BFF, you could forget about it. I’ve been there and done that in trying to connect to someone not on the same level as myself. It’s like talking a foreign language to the person; although the person is of the same language LOL People underestimate the value of education.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2015

    I think spirited’s husband is entirely wrong and super selfish. He has told Spirited all that he won’t do, which is be a husband to her, yet he wants to hold onto her for his own ego or whatever reason that his warped mind thought of.

    @Spirited

    Whatever you do, don’t take what has happened personally. As you said, your husband has lied to you from the onset of the marriage. You yourself said in a previous post that he used you for immigration. How would anyone have foreseen such a thing or dreamed it could happen to an American/Pakistani by a Pakistani. He is a sorry excuse for a man. He needs his @$$ kicked good fashion. Someone needs to open a can a whoop @$$ on him. You’ve got any brothers?

    You are a good, kind heart, beautiful (I’ve seen your pic, so I know what I’m talking about) young lady. You’re bright, intelligent and wonderful. Never think otherwise. Believe that Allah has a good awaiting you, do your part in serving Him and all will come together nicely for you. Don’t fret!

  • Mari2

    December 5, 2015

    As far as gift buying, some men, and M is included are just oblivious to the nuances of things. What did I really expect…he had no input into the details of his own marriage to 2. His mom chose everything from the wife to the gold to the clothes to the venue to the date of marriage. He just showed up at the appointed time. Mommy did the rest. He wasn’t raised to use his own mind for the purchase of gifts, or deciding details. That’s for the women.

    I gave M two nice sets of jewelry for his sis and 2. I told him to offer 2 both and let her decide which she wanted. But he said he would to ask his mom. His mom allowed him to offer both to 2 and let her choose. And what did 2 ask? “Which set cost you more?” Not a thank you. No wow you work so hard and spent money on a gift for me! No. Just: which set costs more?

  • Mari2

    December 5, 2015

    Spirited,
    when I went to mosque 2 weeks ago and the imam was talking on marriage, he said that it was haram to not divorce a wife and leave her “in the wind” while the husband continues his life. My advice to you is to meet with your imam or family members or whomever can help you pressure him into giving you talaaq. Tell the imam he promised you talaaq and you agreed. Now he’s reneged on his promise and preventing you from becoming marriageable again. Tell the imam that you want your husband to make good on his promise to you.

  • jasmina

    December 5, 2015

    Spritited

    What a tough situation you have been living in and how patient you are masha’Allah. I was going to give you my two cents but it seems you are really handling it all so well, better than I ever did in such a situation. I read an article once about not being a relationship matyre, it was very good, it talked.. I will be back soon hubby really home now.

  • jasmina

    December 5, 2015

    Mari2

    Thanks for your advice.

    I could not deal with buying co a gift. Before he married her, he would ask me what kind of car I liked, or what my ideal wedding ring would be, even asking me where I bought certain items that he liked I had. I thought he was going to buy me gifts, but little did I know it was for her. I didn’t even know I was helping. Thankfully my husband has never really talked much about his other wife. However she once sent me a message saying that she was jealous of me because my husband talked about me all the time and then she went on to say nasty things. but I was just like really he talks about me, he never even mentions your name. Apparently he would talk about how good I was and what not. this was a long time ago anyhow. But yes I wouldn’t want to hear him mention her at all. You are right Ana, it is a burden and it’s cruel.

  • jasmina

    December 5, 2015

    Gail

    lol that is too funny. I may as well amuze myself. Well the thing that annoyed me most is that he refuses to let me take photos of us together, I don’t even have photos of when we got married. So yes the double standard got to me, after seeing him posing for a photo with her. Now I’m going to take photos of us all the time. On top of it I see the double standards with so many other things as well and it just makes me feel so low.

    husband’s home (midnight!!! argh so over it), I better go.

    I will reply soon to the other comments.

  • Alison

    December 5, 2015

    Hey guys it happened again after a long post on my phone when I pressed submit it all disappeared…anyhow hope all the beautiful ladies are all fine

    Sucks am not the first to post on this thread lol just kidding…Am good still hanging on this polygamy business but alhamdulilah the ride is much smoother but has ups and downs but difference is that I am able to pick myself up dust up and move on

    Missing you all but follow silently. You all on my mind it’s just that at times we caught up in this life we barely have time to even sit

    Love you lots

  • Spirited

    December 5, 2015

    Salaam, hey guys

    UGH, thankfully I’m done with a monster report I had to write — done and submitted yesterday actually. 2 more to go, both due next week but I feel so lazy now lol. This project was interesting, we got to use our own genes and work with them. We were able to see a basic ancestry thing (at the end of the 3-month process). My gene results show that I’m more closely related to Russian and Persian genomes than what I expected. I was thinking it’d be punjabi (indian/pakistani), lol. That was certainly surprising!

    @Ana & Gail. Don’t misunderstand. I have ZERO thoughts of staying on with him. That isn’t even a remote possibility. He got his 2nd chance already and blew it. I mean, there’s being patient which is good and all, but I would say I’ve been beyond patient. He isn’t calling any shots, trust me. Now he’s too scared to anyway because I can do certain things that he’s afraid of. I’m thinking I might do them anyway once I’m free of him, but I haven’t decided yet (I probably won’t because that might be going beyond decency and I don’t want to make God disappointed at me right at the end of the test! I imagine Him being like “ooooh so close, but you just HAD to be petty in the end, tsk tsk tsk” lol).

    Honestly, I haven’t taken it into my own hands yet because I have WAAAAY too many other things on my mind. I WAS depressed for months, so I had to deal with that. Ontop of still finding the strength to go to classes and not mess that up for my future’s sake. The way my schedule is, I barely have time to sleep, and I even have greenhouse work on campus that I somehow got drafted into (I can’t remember how that even happened), getting separate car & health insurance–still didn’t get health insurance yet & deadline is coming up– still have to close or remove him from some accounts, looking for lawyers, starting to talk to people for future marriage, etc. etc. (It’s very hard removing someone from your life).

    Ana, after talking to my local imam, the actual ‘khul’ process (as he insisted it had to be done due to certain legalities and the cost, and delays/waiting) sounds like a major pain in the behind instead of the simple 1-and-done that ‘talaaq’ is, so I would rather go for that. I also want to have that satisfaction of knowing that HE ended it by his own hands, especially since he seems to be trying so hard to avoid it; take responsibility for SOMETHING in this marriage at least at the end. My parents also said they would be more comfortable with a ‘talaaq’. And this is really stupid, but it just “looks better” in pakistani society if its a ‘talaaq’ instead of a ‘khul’. Granted, I don’t care since I don’t live in Pakistan, BUT it could also affect chances of me getting married even here. People look at divorce badly enough, but if its a khul, they’re even more wary. I KNOW, that’s not the way Islam is, but that’s the way people are. Some of the men I’ve spoken with act like they’re on a pedestal and they’re doing me a huge favor by considering me for marriage EVEN IF they themselves are divorced or even have kids! What is the world coming to…

    Oh, that reminds me, I’m only considering men who are citizens here this time around — that’ll take out the immigration variable completely . But, unfortunately, this doesn’t make it any easier. It seems like men these days are insane no matter where they’re from. Take that recent dipstick in California. He was born and raised here, married & recently had a child too! Unbelievable. Insha’Allah I won’t come across any stupid, retarded ones. I can only pray, but you can imagine that also adds a level of stress to my busy mind. Another fun thing is either my PCOS has decided to go nuts or something else is going screwy with my body (no health insurance yet so I haven’t found out). I’ve been bleeding for nearly 6 months straight so far. I’m still taking the same medication, I haven’t gained weight either, so I’m not sure why I would have something new happening. The only thing I changed was adding fish oil supplements to my diet, but that can’t have done it. Weird.

    Back to what I was talking about, basically, I want to be cordial about the whole thing, I don’t need to stoop to his level. My visit to Pakistan should be nice and relaxing after all this stuff this year, lol, except for the final visit to his family (I imagine that will be sad). I talked to them last week in some detail about the whole situation and I was surprised to see how much their son had been lying to them too. Other than that, I will get to hang out with my cousins & kick back with no studying! By the time I get back, my dad should have sorted out a lawyer who can do what my parents want and if the moron doesn’t say ‘talaaq,’ then I’ll take the steps I need to. Either way, it will be a good way to start a new year — out with the old trash and moving ahead with a positive outlook, Insha’Allah.

    Whelp, time to sleep. Tomorrow, I need to get to reading a bunch of research papers to write about (due Teusday 🙁 ). Each one of these things is soooooo boring and 14+ pages long. UGH. lol, talk to you guys later.

  • Gail

    December 4, 2015

    Spirited,

    I agree with Ana kick that dog to the curve.If u have made your mind then don’t let him call the shots G.D knows he has called enough of them already.What he wants should make ZERO difference to u or your family at this point.Please stand up to him and tell him straight do it and do it now Give him as much favor as he has gave u NONE!
    On a different note I am really sorry this is happening to u because u did not deserve this BUT G.D has something better for u.U mentioned it was important to u to enjoy getting pregnant with your husband and sharing your first baby together but u got robbed of that by him getting your cowife pregnant.I do feel u got robbed BUT I see it like this may G>D bring u a man that has not have children and u get that wish of yours to share a first child between your husband and yourself and all the joy that brings.Loosing your virginity to your husband is deep but believe me it is nothing compared to having a baby with a man.
    Spirited u are a good person by heart G>D is going to send a good man your way.Hang in there and stay positive.I thank G>D u did not have kids with that man otherwise he would have jerked u around for the rest of your life.See it as a blessing because in a few yrs from now I really believe u r going to have a beautiful life.I really mean that!

  • anabellah

    December 4, 2015

    Do any one else have any thoughts about Spirited situation to share with her???

  • anabellah

    December 4, 2015

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you, Sis, for updating us on what’s been happening in your life. You seem to be handling it all very well, considering. I’m so glad you are not allowing yourself to fall into depression, and are staying busy with your classes. Alhumdulliah. You are a very strong lady.

    I will share with you some of my thoughts on the matter for what they are worth. I don’t think you should wait for your husband to divorce you when you return from your holiday in Pakistan. What is the point? Has he said he will reconsider his marriage to you with hope of making it work, and will let you know when you return? NO! You know he has absolutely no intention of making your and his marriage work. He said he had intended to stay in the other State with his other wife with whom he has two children. He intended not to be physical (intimate) with you, not have a family with you, and not visit you, as he doesn’t want to upset his other wife. As you said, it is no marriage. All you have that resembles a marriage is the ability to say you are married. It’s a marriage in name only.

    The reasons he gave for not divorcing you is that he still cares about you and doesn’t want to lose you. He hasn’t divorced you as he said he doesn’t want to devastate you and his family. What does it mean. Of course he must care something about you, as you both have history together. It’s not enough to stay in the marriage. He hasn’t even said he wants you as a secret wife. His and your family have already been devastated by what he has done. They know all about it. So, how is he avoiding any devastation. He needs to finalize it.

    You have to ask yourself why you are allowing him to call the shots with his intents that aren’t beneficial to you? Do you want to hold onto the marriage as long as you can in hope that things will miraculously change? There seems to be no hope whatsoever for him to be the husband that you want him to be. If simply saying you have a husband is good enough for you, it’s a different story. We all could shut up.

    Divorce is easy. All he has to do is say the words to you with a couple of witnesses present. I’ve heard that divorce can be done on the phone. He could come to your home and in front of your parents and another person (since two women would be needed or another male besides your father) and say he divorce you and IT’S DONE.

    I’d think you want to get rid of him as soon as possible, especially if you are currently seeking out another suitor OR is what you’re doing only ceremonial (seeking out another). How could you look for another husband while allowing your current husband to jerk you around with when he will say the magical words that will set you free? Why allow him to prolong it until after you return from Pakistan? What is wrong with TODAY?

    You said you think he wants you to initiate the divorce to let others think you wanted it and not him. His family and your family already know the deal. They know the man – your husband. They aren’t blind to what has happened and what is happening.

    You have to ask yourself why you haven’t put fire under his butt by getting his family and your family involved in letting him know that he needs to do the right thing and divorce you NOW – unless, of course, you want to subconsciously remain in the state of limbo that you are in. Are you deceiving yourself?

    What is preventing you from marching down to the Masjid and doing whatever you need to do to be rid of that LOSER. I don’t know how you could stand to be married to such a person for another day. There is not that much love in the world. I can only throw my hands up. Allah has a plan – maybe it’s for you to sit in the nightmare longer, after all, the man only has to tell you that he divorces you in front of witnesses and it’s over. If he won’t do it. You have a recourse. Why wait for him?

  • Spirited

    December 4, 2015

    Salaam & hey all

    Yup, I agree that suggesting to be patient is a go-to phrase many people say. Sometimes they say that when they don’t want to bother with actually helping

    lol YES, I was the first comment of the new month, whooooo! I haven’t gotten to read/catch up much, but it seems like you all have been well, and there’s been quite a few new faces

    School is alright, not too surprising considering I’m only updating my transcript so there’s nothing too special going on in that front — of course I’m not slacking off in it either so I’m staying ontop of all the work for classes. That has been mostly keeping me busy, plus my dislike of doing most things on anything except my PC. But with the weather being colder and the crazy class schedule, I haven’t even turned on my computer for months until recently to write reports.

    Gail, that woman had another child over a year ago. I only learned about it from my (soon-to-be-ex) in-laws earlier this year. They had no idea that I didn’t know anything about it. Basically, my soon-to-be-ex-husband has continued lying and deceiving. After graduating in June, (which he didn’t even tell me when it was), he had gotten a job in her state (without at least letting me know). He had bought a house (without mentioning it). Finished paying off a car we had bought together and given it to her. He had pretty much moved over there and abandoned his clothes and various other things here, without bothering to give me a heads-up that he had himself setup and wouldn’t be coming around. After months of making excuses that this came up or that came up, (me still not knowing he wasn’t even in my state), I eventually found out on my own what he had been up to.

    Discussions led to him saying he had been lying to me the whole time the last 2 or 3 (or is it more?) years and asked for my forgiveness -again-. Keep in mind, this was after his lying during the first 5 years of our marriage and when he admitted about his affairs and secret marriage and he begged for another chance. So he basically resumed lying to me about whatever he could, even though I didn’t make any demands or ask to know anything. All I had said was to keep his word this time. Too hard to do I guess. Then I asked what he had planned if I hadn’t brought this up. He said he was going to live in that state, stay married to me but NOT be with me physically, NOT have a family with me, and NOT visit because it would upset dear older woman ‘ho, and he’s far too afraid of her to ever do that. I said you know what, that’s not a marriage. WHY should I stay married to you? The answer was a mix of because he still cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me and etc. etc. and losing me would also devastate his family and etc. etc. more nonsense.

    I said well, that’s not good enough. If that is truly the ONLY thing he is able to do (and he insisted there’s no other way), then it is better that he divorce me, and he should not have pleaded for us staying together before. He kept refusing, I insisted. Eventually he said “next month.” This was september. It’s december now. He says he will free me next month after I get back from my trip to Pakistan. Now, certainly I could go after a divorce on my own, and I believe that’s what he WANTS me to do, so he can turn around and say “see look, SHE’s the one who didn’t want us to stay together.” He has been telling his family that everything is perfectly fine between us! His brother and I came to this same conclusion that he might be trying to set this up so he doesn’t get any negative backlash from his parents. I want to see if he will step up and actually divorce me or keep playing this game. In the meantime, I and family members have started the long, arduous process of looking for an actual decent muslim man for me. I’ve met with a few guys, my parents have met one or two. So, while I’m not in any rush at the moment, I have told the loser that I’ve wasted enough of my life on him and if he doesn’t say the words when I get back, he isn’t going to like the consequences.

    And that is a quick recap of what’s been goin’ on! No worries either, at this point, I’m not even that depressed anymore about it. I’ll be free of all the deceit, constant lies, never knowing what’s going on, and all the waiting. I don’t know if I did well on the “test” that polygamy is, but I know I did what I could. If the other person in the equation — the husband, who should have taken point and been a good leader, wasn’t up to the task, that’s on him and not me. Interestingly enough, the soon-to-be-ex-husband even compliments me about how I handled myself in the polygamy sitaution.

    I was hoping to fill you guys in after he’d already divorced me, but nope, not yet, lol. In any case, I’m sure he, his ‘ho-wife and kids will reap what they’ve sown. For myself, Insha’Allah, I’ll be able to have the kind of special relationship with a husband that I didn’t get to experience, but should have had ~ Well, I have an early class tomorrow, so I’ll see you guys again!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2015

    Mari2,

    It’s a famous line for many Muslims to tell another to be “Patient”. They toss the word out their so glibly. Do they even know what it means to be patient? The saying, “be patient” is cliche.. Muslims really need to contemplate the word and its meaning.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2015

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I wouldn’t want to help pick out a gift for a co either. It’s more like what a female friend does – help a man pick a gift out for another woman. I’m sure there probably are some women out there somewhere who don’t mind helping their husband pick out a gift for a co. I just couldn’t imagine. Furthermore, I’d want my husband to pick something out for me that he selected. I wouldn’t want some other woman helping him do it unless it’s a sales person. Otherwise, it would be as though the co gave me a gift. Some co s may pick out an ugly piece of @%&* thing intentionally for the other.

    I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting your hubz to bring to you the issues that he is having with the co. I could understand a husband needing to talk to someone about his situation. Some women may not mind their husband speaking to them about the others. To each her own. If a husband knows the wife doesn’t want to hear it, he needs to find another ear to vent in. In your hubz case, he’s got his mom. There are others who knows he polygamous, as well. He needs to take the conversation there. Each wife knows what she can handle and what she can’t. I don’t think any woman should have to be burdened with hearing a husband talk about a his other wife. People talk about what is most important to them.

  • Mari2

    December 3, 2015

    Salam to all,

    Jasmina. I am sorry to hear that your co is playing games. If I were you I would just let sleeping dogs lie. Ignore it to protect yourself. The true issue is not with you. It is between her and your husband. Let him deal. If she gets threatening, bring it to his attention. Otherwise treat her as kindly and briefly as possible.

    I tried to explain to M the other night that while he as a husband to two wives had challenges to deal with, my co and I have our own set of tests as well. I think tried to tell him that he wasn’t the only person in this relationship. While there may be financial issues for him, or a test to make both of us happy, the one issue he does not have to deal with is sharing either her or me with another. That is our test. He doesn’t have to deal with the whispers of shaitan pushing her or me to compete for his favor. This is our test. Like me, 2 has her good and bad days. But it irks me sometimes when he gets irritated with our down days and tells us that we need to be patient. Where is his? I gave him suggestions as to how he can help me to deal with co. One thing I asked is that he not bring her, her issues, etc up to me unless absolutely necessary. I don’t need to be privy to their relationship. But he just disregards my requests and asks me to help him fill out her visa application or buy her a gift from him, or complain to me about her immaturity. I don’t like to be in that position honestly.

  • Gail

    December 3, 2015

    Jasmina,

    Unless she is getting up in your face don’t sweat it.U just do u and don’t worry about her.She can’t turn anyone against u like your husband for example.I agree with Ana if u want to post pics post them who cares.One thing I will say u r doing wrong is why haven’t u blocked her from your FB account? U have no business spying on her FB account your just causing yourself stress for no reason.U don’t worry about what she is posting her business is not your business and vice versa so stop trying to make her business your business understand?
    Block her FB account so u will not be tempted to look at her FB and she will not be able to see u problem solved.
    Look your crazy girl to give your husband so much control over u for heaven sake he is not your lord and master.I see it like this if he don’t want his pic on FB don’t post it thats a respect thing but on the flip side if their is something u want to share then by all means share it.What I am trying to say pic and choose your fights I don’t think Fb pics is a fight to choose.
    Now as far as little miss Butt Hole calling u and disturbing u this is easy fix just get a caller Id and when u see it her number don’t answer but before that for a few times just for Sh!t and giggles get a good whistle(like those school traffic guards have) and when her number shows up on called ID pick the phone and blow as hard as u can and then hang the phone up.Simple easy peasy problem solved.
    Look u have two options either sink to her level and get all depressed and stressed out which sucks and leaves u mentally drained or have fun with her craziness and act just as crazy and have a good laugh and keep a positive attitude.I ti not G.Dly to go around feeling all depressed and believe me if she is acting up by calling u not only will u get a good hearty laugh at blowing the whistle on her Allah/G.D might just get one to.I see it as u doing a mitzva/good deed verses getting all depressed and miserable.WHat I mean is u r being nice to yourself and rising above the foolishness.SO that is how I see your situation stay positive not negative and be happy.

  • jasmina

    December 3, 2015

    thanks Ana. you are right. atm i feel my husband has sided with me for the most part. i sent her a kind message and my husband was over the moon with me aha. she gets on his nerves and gets home upset and its the third time its happened and i can tell its because of her. i dont know how but i can just tell. he went off at me and in the middle of it called me Nayma, my cowifes name, and i was ohhhhh u are upset with your other wife and you are taking it out on me and started laughing. he left very angry and came back and apologised and was back to normal. it is so odd.

    yes she probably was playing games before. more also i think she felt a sense of superiority over me and seeing my husband and i getting along, she realises he loves me as well. my husband doesnt hide it well. i just cannot trust her, any alone interaction with her even if is good she will speak badly about me to my husband and make up stories. i dont interact with her alone anymore.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2015

    Jasmina,

    If you can, Insha Allah, don’t respond to her. Ignore her. Ignore her, wanting to do good for your soul. Don’t ignore her to agitate her. Although, ignoring her may very well agitate her.

    If you lash back at her, based on what you’ve said, your husband will side with her. Be smart. Don’t give your husband a reason to get upset with you. If you feel a need to respond to her, simply say something like – I know you are upset and hurting right now, so I will try to be patient with you.

    To say such a thing is kind and may be soothing. Perhaps it will tame the beast in her LOL

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2015

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You could be right that she is feeling insecure now that you are more secure in your marriage. It could be why she is acting out at this point. I know of a person who acted out and as soon as she stopped the co wife started. It’s not unusual. If your co wife wasn’t acting out before and now suddenly she is, she was playing games with you the whole time.

    You can’t stop her from doing anything. If my husband told me to not post on Facebook, I’d ask myself if I was doing anything Islamically incorrect posting . If not, then I think I’d go ahead and post regardless of what my husband said. My obedience to a Husband is in accordance with what allah says. I just don’t do things because he is a husband and he tells me to do it.

  • jasmina

    December 3, 2015

    ok it was good to vent

  • jasmina

    December 3, 2015

    asalam alaykom

    how do you deal with a co trying to make you jealous by posting pics and what not publicly of her and my husband. when my husband explicitly hates this and im not allowed to post such but he seems to allow it there or she is just disobedient. also speaking trash about me to my husband and he gets upset at me. and prank calling me at crazy hours. she has suddenly gone mad i think. it gets on my nerves as here i am trying to live a peaceful life and shes messing it up. Maybe she can sense that my husband and i are happy so shes causing drama like the snake that she is. im so angry and im worried of doing the same or lashing out at her or my husband and bringing drama on myself.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    @alison,

    Where you be at You’re usually the first one to post on the new thread. I was waiting for you 🙁

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    There you are. I’m happy to read you

    I’m like Gail; why you stay away sooooo long? I missed you always. Insha Allah, you’ll get back to us sooner than late. I know how it is to be on the run. I stop to check the blog a lot when I’m out on the road, running about here and there.

    You were the first commentator on the new monthly thread. How about that

    I’ll be waiting for you to stop back in, Insha Allah 🙂

  • Gail

    December 1, 2015

    Spirited,

    Dang why u stay away so long girl I am dying to know how u r dealing everything.I think of u often.I feel like u r my little Pakistani sister.Has your cowife given birth yet to her second child? How is school? Please don’t stay away so long!

  • Spirited

    December 1, 2015

    Salaam, hello everyone

    The little snow effect on site is so cute!

    How has everyone been? I hope you guys have been well! I wonder if I’m the first comment of the month, HMMMMM

    I haven’t been following too closely here recently because I was trying to deal with my own shambling life. I was hoping to have something concrete to tell you gals, but nothing is set yet, annoyingly enough.

    Well, I’ll be sure to stop by. I have to head out in a few minutes.
    See you guys later~

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and welcome all

    We’re at the start of a new month of discussions here at polygamy 411. I’m sooo excited to be here with you all

    Please make sure you didn’t miss any Last minute comments/replies on the November post/thread. Here is a link to easily take you back there: November 2015 Discussions

    With it all said, Let’s talk …