December 2017 Discussions About Polygamy

December 2017 Discussions About PolygamyWelcome to our December 2017 discussions about polygamy

December 2017 discussions about polygamy

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108 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 December 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the December 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: January 2018 Discussions

  • anabellah

    December 31, 2017

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. It’s so good to hear from you. Happy New Year!

    To All,

    As Salaamu Alaikum and happy New Year!!!

    I just want all to know that the discussions for January 2018 will be on this thread – click.

  • ummof4

    December 31, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Alhamdulillah the glitch is fixed and I can comment again.

    Spirited, I am so happy for you. May Allah continue to bless your new marriage. What’s happening with school? Did you finish yet?

    Tunis, it definitely sounds as if you will be having a marriage of convenience. You obviously do not want to divorce your husband and you do not want him to divorce you. My advice is to live your life, find something to do that makes you feel fulfilled. You sound like a person who cares for others, so why not volunteer at a school, a community center or some local organization that could benefit from your skills. Many organizations look for volunteers with time on their hands and skills. While you are at it, remember to eat right, sleep right, and exercise. Read Qur’aan daily and ask Allah for guidance and strength.

    Ladies, remember we can barely change ourselves, so stop trying to change our husbands. That is between them and Allah. We can make duah to Allah and leave it at that. We also cannot change our husbands’ other wives.

    May Allah guide us all and keep us in His remembrance more than us remembering His creation.

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2017

    Sister Saira,

    You are absolutely correct; just focus on Allah and go with the flow – just as long as your husband isn’t trying to get you to do anything haram.

    I suggest you not try to figure out your husband’s life. He’s got to do that on his own. Maybe having two wives for him is a blessing or maybe it’s a curse; only Allah knows…

  • anabellah

    December 30, 2017

    Dear Sister Saira,

    I agree with the attorney who said you should concentrate on your pregnancy right now. You need to be healthy and strong to deliver a healthy, beautiful baby. Now is definitely not the time to be stressing out.

    I totally understand that it’s not easy, or it’s almost impossible to separate yourself entirely from your co when you both have children. It’s complicated even more when your husband comes to you and shares information about your co. It would be best if he would not do that. Regardless, you can’t control what he does. Anyhow, try to tune him out as best you can. Your co has flaws and faults just like we all do. Don’t dwell on hers, but focus on your own. Ask Allah to help you to overcome yours and forgive you for them.

    One thing I can’t get with is a husband who tries to force his wives to be friends. They should be friends only if they feel it and want to be. Men can be very selfish in that regard. How would he like it, if someone was to try to force someone onto him as a friend? After all, it’s Allah who ultimately determines who is friends with whom. If and when the time comes for you and your co to be friends as in a family, it will happen without the prodding of your husband. You won’t need to try to figure it out.

    Again, be cordial and polite to your co; it’s about all that you owe her. If you need to deal with her, (as the well known proverb goes) speak softly and carry a big stick…

  • Saira

    December 29, 2017

    Sister Ana
    I have spoke to my lawyer in past and she is very wise lady she knows Islam inside how in Pakistani society Islam rules in tridition in name of many Islamic quotes
    She is very active Muslim
    She met with my husband many time I have spoke to her and knowing both of us she suggested me I should be quite and let time pass as I have another pregnancy
    In her view I should get independent get my self strong and not to be over sensitive
    She told me she seen almost dozen of cases over year and every case has same issue in polygamy and pakistani community
    She said my husband over a lot of tension his mother sister and me and co always something wrong and when he gets too much he explode
    Since then I relize my hubby is over sensitive too but he don’t have idea how to deal with things
    I still make prayer and say to Allah of this marriage will be fight every other day either in co sode or my side any of it don’t do any good to me or kids then make easy way out for me to have pain less life
    But in other hand I see my husband looking at me and home as way out of his other stress
    He seems to be dealing with OCD and he says he sleeps and eats batter when he is in my house
    Inhave no idea when two people don’t get along and always give pain to each other then it’s best then make dua and get way out of this life
    So many people are dying in wars and with hunger and when we have too much essentials we die with stress
    I should be happy hubby been at mine all the time but I don’t look at this as healthy in relationship
    Some body alway unhappy in this family
    May Allah take every one hard time away ameen

  • Saira

    December 29, 2017

    Dear sister Ana
    JazakAllah khair for lovely advice you always give me
    It’s true what u said if I let my husband go to drop kids to school in my morning then I should not expect a thank you from co as knowing her if I do that I won’t get any peace at all
    Further more I could tell my husband no to school run and if it’s not nessacry but it won’t do any good
    I should keep my heart big and let things go the way it’s going and focus on Allah
    I try so hard to be my self and not to involve in co drama at all but some how she sneak in in my life and my hubby says it’s good to be togater
    If I can I would not see her at all
    I tried so hard and my in laws as well disagree for me and co to be close but when somthing not right gets busy their self and I have to do what my hubby told me too
    When kids not well or hubby not well he make me go to her house and in all that time many time I go there and keep my self quite and come back
    But co have to say or tell me things to hurt me
    Hubby use to spend few nights alone in one of his apartment with his friend alone before he got married with me and now he is saying he is not happy and from many years want to stay away from co but full fill her needs financial issues and kids responsibility
    He been on phone every day saying to his family he can’t handle any more and don’t want to spend nights with co
    Now he is so up set and miserable he seems like a confuse child
    But I see things differently as you said if she was that kind of person why he not let her go when he was so miserable with her
    Now family thinks I am making him do that
    Hopefully things will get batter between them but my hubby do need to grow up and focus how he will make changes in his life
    I don’t feel so happy with Things but I let Allah deal with all
    Some day I wounder why Allah put me in all this situation
    In Pakistani community people need to accept polygamy with heart or don’t let their son have second or third wife
    I have no Idea how long my husband will stay at mine and then how he will get instruction and how long he will stay apart to make up time
    I can’t seems to be able to have any control or structur over any of my life
    Life is much easier to be single then having to deal with all these dramas
    May Allah make it easy for all of us ameen

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Saira and all,

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Sis Saira,

    Insha Allah, 2018 will be a very good year for you. I love when the new year rolls around. They just keep getting better and better for me. Alhumdulliah! I think 2018 is going to be the best for me yet.

    Make your intention to start anew and move past all the chaos and craziness that have plagued your life in the past.

    Be the most righteous, pious person. Allah says the best person is based on the one who is most righteous.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Saira,

    I said it before and I’ll say it again, you need to distance yourself from your co. She means you no good.

    If your husband thinks that because he pays the bills, he could go to any of your houses as he wishes, then there isn’t a whole lot you could do about it, if you intend to stay married to him. As long as he’s not leaving either one of you feeling that you have no husband (meaning he spends an excessive amount of time away from you or her), probably there isn’t much wrong with what he’s doing. Although, going to the other’s home whenever he has a disagreement with one doesn’t resolve the problem. It only makes it worse.

    Saira, you really need to get to the point where you could focus on Allah and stop wasting your time on thought about your co. Just try to be at peace. The only way you will have peace is if you make your life about Allah and don’t allow yourself to keep getting caught up in the drama of your co, your husband and his family. As long as you deal with the co and your husband’s family, you’re going to have problems.

    Put your reliance on Allah. Only He can help you!

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Saira,

    Based on what you’ve stated, one good thing about your husband is that he is good at taking his kids to school, picking them up and making sure they are fed. Alhumdulliah! It sounds that your co possibly is depressed. You both seem to be dealing with a lot, especially with an immature male as a husband who acts more like a teenager than an adult male with two wives and children to attend to.

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Saira,

    You said your co is not clean and she’s a mess. SO WHAT! Let her be unclean and a mess. There are people out there in the world who are unclean, messy people. Some people are just down right nasty. Maybe your husband likes nasty. He advised you that she was like that from day one. He hasn’t left her because of it.

    Nonetheless, it’s their business. As long as you don’t have to live there with her in the slop, it shouldn’t matter to you.

    Furthermore, to say that your husband may be responsible for her mess makes no sense. She’s responsible for her messy, nasty self. You can’t put that on him.

    Maybe you’re just venting and giving us an inside look at what your co is about. Okay, I get the picture. It’s interesting. It also means you’re still comparing yourself to her. You don’t need to do that. Allah made us all uniquely different. Leave your co be. If she’s been a mess since you and your husband have known her, she’ll probably be a mess till the day she dies. Allah knows best. Leave her be the way Allah created her…

  • anabellah

    December 28, 2017

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear sister!

    It’s good to hear from you. Sadly, it doesn’t sound as though much has changed since you were here last. One thing I found interesting is that you said you don’t expect anything from anyone but Allah, yet in the same breath you say the opposite. For instance, you expected a thank you from your co for (in your words) you letting your husband go to your co’s home to take their kids to school on mornings that he’s supposed to be with you.

    First of all, you didn’t let him do it. Do you really think you have control over him?

    He went to take his kids to school. Saira, keep in mind that kids are not on a schedule when their father is polygamous. Fathers can see their kids anytime they want to, if it pleases Allah.

    Furthermore, I’m sure your co knows that if she doesn’t get up to take the kids to school that the kids father would do it. She knows it. She has come to count on that. Why should she answer the phone, knowing that if she doesn’t he’ll come running to her and them, and it would incovenience you?

    I think you’re expecting her to be of the same mindset as you. Apparently, you are a considerate person. It doesn’t make her one, just because you are. We can’t expect everyone to be like us.

    I don’t know why you’re still being bothered with her anyhow. I doubt she means you any good. You appear to want you, her and him to act as a family, but it’s not happening. At least not now and I doubt it will as long as the two of them are all about themselves. Your husband just flops around back and forth between the two of you and causes drama oppose to trying to bring about peace in his marriages.

  • Saira

    December 28, 2017

    Aslamu alaykum sister
    Sister Ana and sister sareena and sister Mari2
    My phone not be working and I was unable to post any thing and Been and still busy same type of drama sister mari2 had.
    Since day one Of my marriage I hear and see things from co and him and I AlwYs try to distance my self from them and somehow in the end I am to blame
    I try hard to bite my teeth and no say a work right or wrong and simply try to just do my own side of things
    When hubby get up set with me he text me non stop and fight with me and don’t show up for few days and then come with sorry face but when he don’t show up I hardly hear any thing from co
    Not even a word usually she talks but soon she knows he is not happy with me she try to bring his family home and make him busy at home and they discus all with mother in law and once he back at mine co hardly bring his mother home
    I hear abuse from him and encouragement from his family to stay away from me and let me learn my lesson
    Being pregnant and living in 3rd story and young baby no body sees I need help to get daily assentials and not for me but for sake of baby he should be coming to c if I need something for baby but I hear nothing and I don’t expect any thing from any one expect Allah.
    But co what ever she does they always keep her side and every thing label on me that I done it and I don’t want her in his life.
    Co and hubby have so many problems but all because co Is not a clean person and she is extremely in mess and I don’t want to say all this to get criticism from all of yous but am sure some of you seen in tv program about cleaning program
    Co should be one of them she need help
    I have no idea why and when she become like that as I seen her like that since we known each other and family and hubby says she is like that from day one
    I am thinking may be somehow hubby is responsible for her to be like that in some how as well
    When I see her she told me they are living life as stranger I seen him as well they don’t talk in calm way they screem when they talk and no body respect
    Co and hubby never use to read Fajar salah
    From past two years when I get up for Fajar I woke hubby up and make sure he is up and if he is at mine he then sit on phone and make sure co up and take kids to school on time and if she don’t answer then he run and go to kids make their breakfast and take them school and from past year this thing become habit he start doing that I keep my mouth shut am not happy he is going every morning and do that but then I think I can sacrifice me few hour bed time with him and let those kids not have embarrassment in school for being late
    But from co I never get any thanks for letting him go to her house in my morning
    If by chance hubby takes me in some relatives house I hear from every body that hubby treat me nicely and never treat other one nice but yet no body ever said thanks to me for letting hubby do school duty even in my mornings but it’s like blind fold in every Ones eyes.
    Now from past few months co was getting late even picking kids up from school and hubby start calling and make sure kids picked up or else he run to pick them up
    Then he start make calls to see what food to made for them and if not get take alway
    List is going on
    Hubby got sick and was not able to go to work when he was at mine and he ended up staying in bed for few days and every body told him it’s ok he once healthy he can go to other house but not to leave house in this condition
    Then co was sending kids at mine to see him but after few days he made surprise visit in his other house and came back next day
    Then co made plan to have me in her house
    We were sitting and both started argue and I was there and I stand up and try to make co stay quite and let fight settle
    He left house as I don’t drive he drove me and came home
    It was my night but then from that day he stop giving co any night
    He brings kids to stay vd him in one night and go and see them but he don’t stay vd co
    Now I am getting blame from every body as I called and told my sister in law they had fight
    Reading from sister sareena comment I feel help less
    I have no peace left all is happening their fights and am in between
    I offer co that I can come and stay at her house if she feel ok but it’s not my house and I can not tell him to leave I began to spend most of time at co and vd kids and I had no private life left
    I got text message from co that when I and hubby fight she don’t come in my house so I should not come
    I told her that’s fine I was only coming to support u and be with kids but if that she want I won’t come
    Not I have not been to her HOUSE and hubby is not going there and if he goes comes back and she start blaming me again
    There is no way out no body resolving their issue and blaming me
    I even thought to stay at mother in law and let hubby stay here but my health is not letting me do that
    I am half way in my pregnancy and baby is not sleeping any where expect her own cot
    I got msg from sister in law that I done back biting and mother in law is not happy as I told them they had fight
    Co is texting that I am enjoying hubby every night
    Hubby is not in happy mood and told me loud and clear he pays the bills and it’s his choice where he want to stay
    Am sorry I wrote a book but I can’t help and getting up set and needed to tell and get advice from u ladies
    Happy new year lol

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2017

    Helen,

    We all need to do some self-analysis; although some people just can’t see.

    If a person isn’t serving and worshiping Allah the way that He commands, and the person is going through something that seems like an earthly hell or some serious agony and torment, I would surmise that the person may be experiencing what may be considered punishment. Now, on the other hand, if the person is doing what he or she should with regard to the worship of Allah, but is experiencing hardship and suffering, then maybe it’s a test for the person. Allah knows best!

    Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse. Only Allah knows…

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2017

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    It’s so nice to hear from you, and especially good to hear that your new marriage is going well. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    Thank you for letting me know that the blog appears to be working properly, based on your observation. I think the drop down menu is no longer there because the company probably made changes to the theme, which took effect when I updated it on the blog. The theme is the format of the blog. I pay for it yearly. It is more of a business theme with landing pages and all that jazz that I don’t use. I’m used to having this theme, which makes it easier to manage, which is why I simply continue with it.

    Alhumdulliah, that the blog is still alive. Insha Allah, it will continue to exist and be beneficial to all who visits and reads here.

    Spirited, take good care of yourself and your family. Insha Allah, you’ll stop in again soon and give us another shout out. Much Salaam!

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2017

    Helen, Hello again https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I’m assuming that you read on this blog that polygamy may be a punishment for some who are in it. In order for you to understand how something may be a punishment, you would need to be Muslim/believer with an understanding and strong belief in Islam. You would need to believe that Allah not only rewards people with good, but he punishes people, as well. He punishes those who don’t believe as He tells us to believe and don’t obey Him. They don’t do what He says. Of course, He is Oft-Forgiving and Most Merciful as well. He tests people, as well as punishes people. If a person isn’t serving, worshiping and obeying Allah, then after giving them respite and warning them, He punishes them. You’re not Muslim, so this is not your religion (way of life); therefore; I understand how you can’t understand it.

    Islam is about worshiping Allah and doing all that He says and believing all that He tells us to believe. You said, “I’ve stood up for my choice to be with my husband, defended myself, him and Islam when I’ve been criticised and called names.” Islam doesn’t need defending.

    Furthermore, you stated, “I don’t believe polygamy has a place in modern society. I can understand why it was a good thing centuries ago or now in small towns and villages where a woman is widowed or a woman cannot have children or a woman finds it difficult to find a husband. I think men use polygamy when times are difficult. It is very difficult for a man to treat more than one woman fairly. One will always feel left out or forgotten. I know I do sometimes. I know I should be patient and sometimes it is easy, sometimes not so easy. I’ve prayed. I do this because of my son, loyalty and love for my husband and I don’t want to be wrong for god.”

    What you stated above is not Islam. Islam is not about satisfying a husband or ourselves. It’s not about opinions based on desires. It’s about accepting all of the Quran, which is the final book that Allah sent down to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that is a confirmation of previous Books that He sent to His previous Prophets.

    If you’re not Muslim/Believer, you certainly won’t understand any of it. You already said you don’t believe in polygamy. Polygamy is part of a Muslim/Believer’s way of life. He or she doesn’t have to live it, but they best be accepting of it as a good, honorable form of marriage.

  • anabellah

    December 27, 2017

    Hello Helen,

    Welcome to our blog family. I can relate to you being married almost 16 years. My husband and I will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary in May 2018 polygamy 411

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have some questions about it, if you don’t mind me asking. You said that you almost left your husband but didn’t, as you decided it would be wrong. What made you think it would be a wrong thing to do? After all, without a word, he up and left you.

    Furthermore, you said your husband won’t allow you to have anymore children. What’s your reason for allowing him to dictate to you whether or not you could have more children?

    God willing, I’ll be back momentarily to continue…

  • Spirited

    December 27, 2017

    Salaam guys!

    I hope you are all well! The site still comes up a little wonky to me, like there’s no drop-down topic select menu at the top like there was https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif. Everything else seems like it’s working though. I’m usually around, just lurking/silent reader for the most part these days. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif. My new marriage is going well, Alhumdulillah.

    @Tunis, from everything you’ve written over time, it really doesn’t seem like your husband is worth causing yourself distress over. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long for you to be going numb towards him. I agree there’s no point to inform him of the rules or the laws in that country. There isn’t even any point to tell him how his behavior makes you feel, because I think he doesn’t care (based on how he has been treating you). In my opinion, you should just leave anything to do with him alone. Allah knows and sees all he is doing — even if your husband doesn’t tell you where he will be or with who, Allah knows, so I wouldn’t worry too much. Besides, it’s not as if you have young children and 5 jobs just to make ends meet and so many things to handle all alone. Your children are grown, you can relax, enjoy the time you have instead of stressing yourself out over someone who doesn’t deserve your concern.

    Like Sakina said, he isn’t the man you would like him to be, no point to anguish over it. You do you and let him swim around in his own mess. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Ana, once again, thank you for keeping this site alive. It really is an invaluable resource for women. I’ll catch you guys again, take care everybody.

  • Helen

    December 27, 2017

    Hello
    I am in a polygamous marriage. I have been with my husband almost 16 years. My husband left just over four years ago without a word after several very difficult months. I almost left him, but didn’t as I decided it would be wrong. He wanted to come back six months later so I said I would try. We have been back together for three and half years. It is getting easier. I am not a Muslim but this has brought me closer to god. No doubt about it. There are times that I struggle with the situation and it does still upset me. The other woman has had two children. I have one because my husband said I couldn’t have anymore. My son now has a brother and sister who he lives very much. For that I am happy. I just read earlier that this could be a punishment for me. My husband said he made a mistake leaving me and a mistake going with her. They both lied and cheated to be together. I can’t understand how it could be a punishment for me. I’ve stood up for my choice to be with my husband, defended myself, him and Islam when I’ve been criticised and called names.
    I don’t believe polygamy has a place in modern society. I can understand why it was a good thing centuries ago or now in small towns and villages where a woman is widowed or a woman cannot have children or a woman finds it difficult to find a husband. I think men use polygamy when times are difficult. It is very difficult for a man to treat more than one woman fairly. One will always feel left out or forgotten. I know I do sometimes. I know I should be patient and sometimes it is easy, sometimes not so easy. I’ve prayed. I do this because of my son, loyalty and love for my husband and I don’t want to be wrong for god.

  • Tunis

    December 27, 2017

    Wa alaikum salam Sakina…thank you
    Jazakallah

  • sakina

    December 27, 2017

    Salam Alaykum, Tunis the question should more be, do u want to live in such a marriage? What u describe, it seems clear how he sees the marriage, he pays for u, and he wants to enjoy his new love. U can say ok, money is better than nothimg. Or u could say, hey i want to have the same rights as wife. I mean not travelling. But u know the right that he is just in time and so on. If he cant give u the love or affection u need, u have to decide, that is now ur point. What do u want? He cant be the man u want. So go from there. From my experience, women wants that the man feel the hurt, and see what they did false. But very often they dont get it. And what would it change? He is already in love with someone… . I dont would focus on him, live ur life, and if u want to find somebody loving, it is possible that it may be not he, but another marriage. So u have to see what is important in ur life, money, a loving husband, nothings from that than live a happy life with what u have, ur friends, kids, a profession u love. What me helps is to documents the actions of the husband…So from time to time, u see more clear with the notes. If a husband over weeks dont have interest in how his wife is going, especially if u are older it speaks more than words… It makes me sad, because i have the impression, it is not the travels and what he has with his other wife, it is more that u search a little bit love, that he shows to u, that u feel protected by him, that he wants to be with u. And that is realy normal, but u have to see the reality when ur husband cant give it to u. Iam sorry.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis,

    I don’t think a person has to come out of his or her mouth and say what he or she feels and/or is thinking. Actions speak louder than words. A person should be able to tell what’s going on with someone, especially a married couple who have been married to each other for a significant amount of time. If someone just hooked up with someone else, and is just learning the person, of course it would take time to figure the person out.

    It doesn’t seem that polygamy is your problem, more than it’s a matter of your husband having moved on, away from you. I’m sorry if my words hurt. I just want to be honest with you about what I think. Perhaps he’s waiting for you to divorce him, to make it easy for him. Maybe he just want to stay married to you and take care of you financially, as well, but wants to do his own thing with his other wife.

    You asked your daughter about your husband. She said to ask him. It leads me to believe she knows what’s going on with him, but doesn’t want to be the one to inform you, as she knows it would hurt you.

    Those are just my thoughts about it, based on ALL the posts that you have written here since you’ve joined our blog family. We’re still here if you want to talk more, at least I am….

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Please make sure you didn’t miss any of Tunis’ posts. I accidentally un-approved one that was approved and I had to re-approved it again.

  • Tunis

    December 26, 2017

    Wa alaikum salam Sister Ana

    I just read all your comments..

    Thank you.

    Jazakallah

  • Tunis

    December 26, 2017

    sorry all..on my second post in I meant to say..knowing “I” liked doing that kind of stuff.. didnt mean to say she.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    If anyone else has any useful feedback for Tunis, it’s welcome. It’s not welcomed from polygamy hater raters though…

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis,

    I get where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling. The best thing to do is sit down and have an open and honest discussion with your husband whether in person or whatever way. I think you have avoided asking the hard questions because you fear the answers.

    If you’re not feeling being intimate with him and don’t want to be, then tell him that you want to remain married for convenience only. You want him to continue to support you financially and be there for you in case of emergencies – those type of things. You and he could continue to be intimate with one another, if you both want to go that route. You know you can outright divorce him, as well. You and he need to make your intentions.

    You want to let him know how he has hurt you, what you’ve been going through and what you’re feeling. Let him know it, then. It’s one way to make sure he knows and for you to find out what he thinks and feels about it.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis,

    I kind of think that it’s a waste of time to tell your husband what the laws are in the other country regarding polygamy, or to let him know of the sayings of our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that you’ve found. I don’t think he cares about that. As I said, you need to know what type of marriage you’ve got.

    Should you still cook and clean for him? Well, you’re still his wife right? Should you still be intimate with him? It depends on what type of marriage you have and what you’ve agreed to. Remember, there are ayat (verses) in the Quran that addresses the issue – a husband and a wife could come to a friendly AGREEMENT and stay married oppose to getting a divorce.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis,

    You asked if you should expect your husband to tell you where he goes and what he does with his other wife or in general. Well, he really doesn’t need to do that. What he and his other wife does is really their business. It would make sense that a wife would be able to contact her husband in case of an emergency, but for him to be required to tell his wife exactly where he is and whether it’s with his other wife isn’t something that is mandatory or required or a right of wife to know.

    So, what happens when a wife has an emergency and can’t reach her husband? It depends on the wife and whether she has a proper belief in Islam. If she does, she will know that Allah will take care of her and what happened was because Allah decreed it. It’s about putting her faith and trust in Allah. It could be a test for the wife for her to see how she will handle the situation. Will she get angry with her husband that he wasn’t there or because she couldn’t contact him? A wife who handles it on her own without her husband, but relies on Allah, will probably feel pretty good about herself and happy that she has probably passed the test. Allah probably would have made it easy for her because of her attitude and reliance on Him.

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis,

    I see that many wives go wrong in that they expect to get the same things that the other wives get. They constantly compare their lives with the others lives. They fail to realize or know that each wife gets what Allah has ordained for that wife. Allah has determined what each of us will get. What is for us will never pass us by and what passes us by was never for us.

    If your husband travels with the other wife and does things that he hasn’t done with you, it is because Allah decreed it that way. I know of a wife who wasn’t in a polygamous marriage. She and her husband divorced and he married another woman. His ex-wife complained to him that he was doing thing such as traveling and vacationing with his new wife, but hadn’t done those things with her. He explained to his ex-wife that his and her finances weren’t the same as they are now with his new wife. He couldn’t afford to do those things with his ex-wife that he now can afford to do with his current wife.

    That was his explanation. The real reason is that Allah decided it that way. People tend to want what someone else has, instead of being grateful for what they have.

    One needs to know the TRUTH in order to be happy in life. Allah is the only Reality. We need to learn to be content with what Allah has decreed for us. If we want more, Allah has it to give and He determines whether He will give it or not.

  • Tunis

    December 26, 2017

    Salam,

    At this point, like I said before, my feelings towards him are numbing, but at same time I want him to know what he has done and put me thru? Is this just a waste of time?
    I should just sit back relax and focus on Allah and myself, and let him (hubby) take care of my BASIC needs for now?? and can I refuse him if I am not inclined to sleep with him, based on how he has been towards me?
    I want to be right with Allah in my actions pertaining to this man.

    I feel like I’m going bonkers, I swear. I make a decision or intention and then it changes in my mind…like Im playing this mind game with myself and everybody else….and its a constant stalemate..???

  • anabellah

    December 26, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    My thoughts about what you said is that you need to determine what type of marriage you and your husband have. Is it one in which he and you are staying married as an agreement in that he will continue to provide for you financially, but it’s not a love marriage; rather, it’s a marriage of convenience? On the other hand, is it a polygamous marriage in which you and he will establish a schedule and he will share his time, money and love with you?

    You need to know where you stand in the marriage, so you know what to expect. The way I’m seeing it; you may be expecting too much. It seems to me that you and he are not on the same page. He’s living his life with his other wife as though she is the only wife, and he is just providing financially for you. At the same time, you’re thinking that you are his wife and entitled to what his other wife is getting from him. Either way is okay, however, you need to get to the bottom of it and find out which one it is, so that you could act accordingly.

  • Tunis

    December 26, 2017

    Salam,

    Continued from below..

    Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Or are my feelings justified…and I have a right to ask certain questions ?

    Why would he bother to send pics then..and tell me how much something cost…but not have consideration to tell me he is gonna be away? I mean after all he is married to another woman, I assumed when he goes back he would try to be with her,and work out their problem , he said they are having. S I guess they did. And if it is with the other wife.he is a such a trip with…is that right to do, if he never did it with the first, knowing she liked doing that kind of stuff and had asked for it too.? Am I out of order here with my feelings ?
    to be cont,

  • Tunis

    December 26, 2017

    asalamu alaikum to all,

    My husband is back in his country. I am gonna assume he is spending time with his other wife there. How do I know? He has sent pics to his son where he has traveled to….to places he never took me or our kids while we lived there for years.
    He tells son he needed a break from the noise of the third story construction of house he is building, while his daughter and grand kids bare the noise. He does not tell me where he is…only after 3 weeks sends pics to me, then calls where he is at, giving me a lame excuse, seeking a hot spring becoz of his back..which I asked did you go?..No he said.
    He has been traveling to a few places I never saw, and wanted to when we lived there. But there was always an excuse.
    So now the last call from him, again another few weeks later, he is some where else.
    I asked why he never told me from the start where he is planning to be.
    I mean, Shouldn’t a wife know this,for his safety too, and so as his family we know. ?
    Or does having another wife give him the right to come and go as he pleases without informing the other wife/family of his where about? (There should be nothing to hide, I don’t get it,) (Because, I texted him, never a response. So I ask daughter if her father is there, who says ask him if you want to know.)
    So he says why didn’t I ask his daughter? Huh? Is this correct?

    I then point out to him that all these years we have been together, and after moving me here to the states, he couldn’t even go 2 hours to some place here with me or for me, but he can drive 5 1/2 hours, stay in some villa that he tells me costs like 200 dollars a month, cause he needed a break from all these problems of his brother, or his sister or the construction or his back. But couldn’t share this with me, before he started on this trip..? only a month later? Is this normal polygamy rights of a man? So then my next question to him, was are you alone? He went dead silent..pauses,,then says I dont have to worry about that. Huh? what kind of sh#t is that? Or is he right?

    Because it was 3 months ago he tells ,she, the other wife, will not be with him(after she already was, on the honeymoon) because they are not legally married for fear the EX hubby finds out and takes her kid away.

    So , to all, I am asking at this point,.. would it be wise to send to my husband what I know of the law of the counrty this woman comes from, pertaining to polygamy.??
    .which would point out the fact that either HE is lying to me, because when I asked is he alone where he is , he went silent. Guess she changed her mind..LOL…

    Would pointing out laws of a particular counrty and actions and saying of our prophet, pbuh, concerning polygamy and my rights , be beneficial on my part..or just keep my mouth shut at this point in our relationship?
    Or am I falling into that hole of having him prove his love for me?
    Or is this normal for a man to go thru this behavior, upon marry another wife,?
    and I should just shut up and not make waves.?
    This is basically what he accuses me of..diggin diggin diggin as he calls it, when I confront him of what I think I have a right to know.

    He is there financially, , that is all I see right now.
    Im being drained of my emotions for him, I dont even want to sleep with him or any contact at this moment. And before Allah, do I have this right to refuse him..heck even cookin for for ,

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2017

    polygamy411.com

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2017

    Insha Allah, you all are ready to begin a new year. I am. I’m SUPER excited. Insha Allah, 2018 will be the best year ever for us all. I pray we’ll all grow nearer to Allah with the best chance of entering Jannah/Paradise. Allah has been good to us! Without His Mercy, we’d all be in the Hellfire.

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Hey there, all. I just got around to checking my email for the blog and just now learned that the comment box had gone missing. I apologize for the inconvenience. I updated the theme days ago and didn’t realize that it didn’t automatically make my customized changes.

    Ummof4, Dear Sister, thank you so much for alerting me. I appreciate that you notified me of the malfunction. Alhumdulliah! I appreciate it much, my dear sister.

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2017

    Ayesh,

    Regarding private messaging, I would love to be able to speak with you one on one, but I just don’t have the time to have one on one conversations with the readers/writers and manage the blog and my personal life, as well. Besides, the blog wouldn’t be a blog, if no one opened up here for others to read what’s written and input. You said you have many questions. You could pose them here and Insha Allah, all will try to help answer them. I can speak for myself that I will try to answer them as best I can. I look forward to chatting with you more….

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2017

    Ayesh,

    It’s so nice to hear you bought the book, “The Silent Tears of Polygamy”. I can’t or won’t say whether it’s based on any part of my life. You asked what is my take on the book. I think it’s an excellent book and the best book out there written about polygamy from a realistic perspective. After all, I wrote the book in its entirety. LOL. I slaved away writing it day and night for six months non-stop. I thought it would kill me. I put my heart and soul into the book. I don’t intend to write another as it was quite draining to write, and all that I have to say about the subject is in it. It’s a good book for all whether they are in a polygamous marriage or not. All could relate to it one way or another.

  • Ayesh

    December 22, 2017

    Anabellah,

    Thank you for your reply! I agree with you. I just didn’t know how to put that in words. Your wisdom is well needed, especially here. I also bought the Silent Tears of Polygamy. Is it based on your life? Also, What was your take on the book?

    Anabellah, is there a way to private message you? I have so many questions.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2017

    Mj,

    It could be that your husband is distancing himself from you now and may not be the nicest person to you, as he was hurt somehow in your marriage before he made his intention to marry another. He may feel it’s an opportunity to get back at you for the problems he may think you caused in your and his marriage. I don’t know. Allah knows best!

    Your husband may be inclining towards his intended, because it’s new and she’s fulfilling a desire for him. Know that just because your marriage is on shaky ground right now, doesn’t mean that it will stay that way. I have come to learn that many husbands begin to feel a deep love for the wives whom they married first after they marry other wives. It tend to strengthen the bond between them. Their marriage improves and they fall in love all over again.

    Just because your marriage is rocky right now, doesn’t mean it’s doomed for failure. All the quarreling and bickering between you two, is not uncommon when a wife first learns that her husband intends to marry another woman. You’re both venturing into new territory with major life changes. Try not to pressure or smother your husband. He needs to be patient with you. You both need patience with each other.

    Turn to Allah in prayer for His help and guidance.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2017

    Mj,

    About your husband’s intended, you stated, “she is insisting that I must speak to her before she can go on with the marriage but I really don’t want to because I’m still dealing with my hurt and might not respond well to her.”

    You don’t have to deal with your husband’s intended, if you don’t want to. She will be his wife. He must deal with her. Your obligation is to be kind and just with her, when and if you come into contact with her. If she gives you the salaam or a compliment return it with a like one or one that is better.

    I totally understand you not wanting to deal with her now as you are extremely hurt, in pain and you are trying your best to cope with the idea that your husband intends to marry her. You said that she is insisting that you two talk. Who is she to INSIST anything from you? It’s on her to determine whether she should marry him or not. She shouldn’t put that on you. If you don’t want to talk with or meet with her, then DON’T.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2017

    Mj, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good you’ve found our blog family. Alhumdulliah! Insha Allah, we’ll be able to be of some help to you. 🙂

    In reading your post, I get the feeling that you have begun to do a lot to please your husband and at the same time, he is turning away from you. It’s understandable. If you run to Allah’s creation, He turns His creation away from you. All that you do should be to seek the good pleasure of Allah. It’s shouldn’t be about your husband. Allah comes first. If you turn your attention to Allah SINCERELY, He will turn His creation towards you.

    You said you just recently began to offer the five daily salat prayers, and you have begun to read the Quran more than you had before. Do you see what has happened? It appears that you only began to do those things (that we as Muslims are Commanded to do) after your husband came to you and informed you that he intends to marry another. It’s good that you are doing those things now, but it’s important that you do them for the right reason. The reason shouldn’t be to make your husband happy and to win him over. It shouldn’t be to compete with his intended. It should be about Allah only. It would be interesting to see if your husband were to divorce you, if you’d go back to not offering the salat and reading the Quran.

    Your husband may be turned off, as he sees it that you are trying to live Islam NOW because he intends to marry another. Probably, he sees through what you’re doing.

    Regarding Tahajjud, it is an optional prayer. You’ve just only begun to do the obligatory five daily prayers. Why not focus on those? Get them right and regular first before trying to add additional prayers. You’re not on the same level as your husband. He appears to be more advanced than you.

    I suggest that you don’t rely on your husband to wake you for Fajr prayer. I’m sure you have a cellphone or an alarm clock. Set it to wake you. Ask Allah to wake you for Fajr and allow you to do it. Your husband doesn’t have to make you do what Allah tells us to do. If spouses support one another by encouraging one another to do as Allah says, it’s all good. If they, don’t, it’s on the individual to get it done without depending on the other.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2017

    Ayesh, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome and thank you for sharing with us about your life. Thank you for writing to Tunis, specifically, as well. Insha Allah, she she will stop in and read it.

    I’m happy to hear that you have come to terms with your divorce, that you are at a good place in your life and are moving forward in a positive and progressive way. Sometimes a husband and a wife must part ways and start new lives without each other. It’s okay.

    Although, one thing you said was questionable. You indicated that in the Quran Allah says that if a man and a woman “divorce in the proper way and without revenge or ill intentions, you are forgiven from all your bad deeds, and jennah is for you.” I think maybe you got that from a source other than the Quran. I say it because in the Quran Allah speaks of the importance of a husband and a wife separating amicably, and he says that He will provide handsomely for those who must part ways (divorce). However, He does not say that all their bad deeds will be forgiven and Jannah is for them.

    I take exception when anyone says that Allah states if they do one particular thing then He will automatically grant them Jannah. Allah tells us all that we must do to be able to enter Jannah, which is to accept the ENTIRE QURAN. It’s not about accepting a piece or portion or one thing of it. Allah says that those who Believe (all that is in the Quran) and do righteous deeds will enter Jannah. One must Believe and do righteous deeds. A person must have BOTH to enter Jannah. There are a lot of little saying out their that are outright wrong.

    Again, thank you for imputing and we’re here, if you’d like to chat more…:-)

  • Mj

    December 20, 2017

    Salam alaykum warahmatullah wabarakatuh.

    Thanks for this wonderful platform.

    My husband just informed me that he’s taking a second wife and I’m feeling broken.

    Our marriage isn’t up to two years yet but it’s been really rough for us. We quarrel very often and we no longer sleep in the same room. He doesn’t even approach me for intimacy except I do. He doesn’t like to get physical with me in anyway and he’s mostly cold to me. I feel really neglected.

    Alot of times when he’s upset about something with me, he goes to chat with a particular married female friend about it which I really dislike. From their chats, I see the way they both talk down on me on not trying enough.

    My husband takes the Deen seriously (he doesn’t miss his tahajjud, he reads the Quran and study it well, he helps out with charity causes and has dedicated social media accounts for sharing Islamic contents and helping Muslims having issues with various aspects of their life). This is the reason I became attracted to him because I was/still struggle with the Deen. I just started praying the five Salat consistently, I struggle with tahajjud because I’m usually too tired (from previous days work and house chores). I don’t read the Quran as frequent as I would like to. My husband looks down on me for these reasons. He has stopped calling me to observe Salat with him. If I sleep off during Fajr, he doesn’t wake me up. He just makes me feel like I’m not trying in anyway

    I feel taking a second wife would even make all these neglect worse.

    I work 9-5 or sometimes later but my husband is a freelancer and does not understand the realities of a workplace. He feels I give my work more attention but this is not true because I give my home priority more.

    I am not the best at house chores but I try the best I can but he keeps complaining.

    I have a feeling the new wife would be a cool person and she is insisting that I must speak to her before she can go on with the marriage but I really don’t want to because I’m still dealing with my hurt and might not respond well to her.

    I really don’t know what question to ask. All I feel is that my husband has found a way out of our loveless marriage and I’m here with the hurt.

    I’m currently on a vacation with the company I work for but I don’t know how I feel about going back.

  • Ayesh

    December 19, 2017

    Salam Ladies!!

    I am new here. I have soooo much questions for you all. However, before I start, I read a post by Tunis. And I wanted to give my insight on things. Inshallah this will help.

    I am recently divorced. I have been divorced officially for 5 months, but away from him for 9 now. I can say Alhamdulilah for this experience. I am now happy. I am happy being on this journey that I am on now. Where all I want to do is grow, and not stop growing. To keep experiencing life and its wisdoms, and keep perfecting my character. For the Prophet said, “I was sent down in order to perfect character.” I find this is part of our 3ibaadah to Allah. We need to keep reaching for growth.

    This being said, going through a divorce, or the prospect of one, was the worst feeling ever. Keep in mind that I lost a father at age 16 and other family and friends, yet this was the worst feeling for me. The reason being that when you are feeling a huge surge of uncertainty, unwanted, unworthy… It hurts you, not knowing if you will ever regain that certainty, or that feeling of being connected. This is why in surah-At-Talaaq, Allah says if you divorce in the proper way and without revenge or ill intentions, you are forgiven from all your bad deeds, and jennah is for you. This verse was a huge wake up call for me.

    I had a husband who rarely ever showed his love. I always felt like I was pulling teeth to get him to even say he loved me. However, I never pictured divorce even though I wasn’t happy. I felt unwanted and misunderstood all the time. Even when he would be kind, I didn’t feel like it was genuine. He was a good guy, and I am a good girl, but we just weren’t compatible. As much as I wanted to work on my marriage, which I tried every possible channel and outlet there was, it just wouldn’t work. He wasn’t in love with me, and I realized I wasn’t in love with him.

    When he mentioned us separating, I was super distraught, wondering if I could get him to change his mind. However, after trying for so long, it wouldn’t work, he was the same guy, he didn’t understand women and what we needed, yet I was learning how to understand men and what they needed. I ended up getting in contact with a life coach who helped me tremendously. Not only with my own self confidence, but my childhood wounds, and taught me knowledge about men, women, life, Islam, etc.

    I was told to go on a sabbatical, to stop texting my husband, and just take a break to work on me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I went on this for two months. In the first two weeks it was hard to stay away, so I had to keep myself busy to stop thinking about him, and I had to sleep early so I won’t feel lonely and text him. Afterwards, it got super easy. I hadn’t contacted him for two full months. Sadly, he didn’t contact me either. Which I felt super hurt, that we were married, yet he wouldn’t contact me at all. As if I didn’t mean much to him.

    Anyways, during these days, I was growing knowledge in areas I definitely needed, I was working out and toning up, I was finding a new career (because I moved back home). I felt great. So after the two months, my life coach encouraged me to speak to him, because I, out of respect for myself, needed to know where this was headed, and not allow him to keep me hanging.

    When I contacted him, he seemed like he missed me, he couldn’t stop reminiscing and laughing, he made a comment that he noticed I changed, that Im different in a good way. Then, I got him to speak to my life coach/therapist, and he started speaking with her. Anyways, the more I started talking things out, the more I started noticing that we were just not compatible. He saw this as well. I kept trying to prove that we could work, but the truth is the only way that marriage could have worked was if I lost myself. My true essence and beliefs, my values, etc.

    So, this time we both agreed that we just were not compatible, and as much as it hurt, I filed for divorce. And its very tough. But I do believe if there was compatibility, we would have worked it out, however, everything we were, were different, there was not one similarity between us, and I couldnt live this way. And finally, after praying so much istikhara and making so many duas, I made a wholesome decision to leave, taking pride in that fact that I exhausted all resources to make it work.

    Tunis, Its extremely emotionally exhausting. I understand, and with children its even more exhausting. I would completely lose contact with him, unless he is speaking with the kids, only. I would learn life without him, and learn from my own mistakes, I would take time for myself, to improve in every aspect of my life (body, mind, heart, and soul). Then, I would revisit this situation. And see if this is what is best for you. See, if you staying away, awakens his regret to have done this to you. If not, you need to decide if moving on is better. Weigh staying with someone who will make you feel ‘not enough’ versus being on your own for awhile, learning, and growing, and then seeing where your journey takes you.

    My divorce caused me to see life in a different perspective, and I know this is crazy, but it also made me realize what marriage really is.

    I do believe in the marriage the Quran and Sunnah speaks about. A marriage that is meant to be tranquility for you, a marriage that is meant to be like a garment for you, a spouse that is meant to be your FRIEND. This, this is the marriage that we want, and its the marriage that Allah has described.

    I hope this helps!! Now you all know a lot about me in a single post!!

    Ladies, I have a lot of resource about marriage, and how to understand women and men and life in general, they are easy reads, but amazing! They changed my life and I believe if you are ready to absorb it will change yours.

    xoxox

    Ayesh

  • Mari2

    December 13, 2017

    @Ana,

    I have little idea of what transpires at his place thankfully. And I don’t really want to know either. But the two of them need to get their act together. It’s constant drama of some sort or another. The both of them manipulate one another IMO. And in some respect they both try to manipulate me as well. She wants to stay here or he wants to stay here, she tells him to leave, she wants to return to Pakistan…ad nauseam. It’s a freaking Pashto drama.

    It reminds me of the times when my family was on a long car ride and my siblings and I would be quibbling in the back seat. Then my dad would announce: I am going to pull this car over and bang all your heads together if you don’t solve your problems right NOW! That’s how I feel…like I need to pull the car over and do some head banging.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    I just find it weird that M’s mother who rules his and his other wife’s lives would allow her daughter-in-law (who is supposed to be subservient to her) to throw her son out the house. Anyhow, I thought they were considering shipping her back to Pakistan. Still, he needs to stay there and deal it, get her in check, or send her back or divorce her.

    As long as you allow him to come to you every time he and she have a row, she’s manipulating you and him. She can send him to you and call him back when she wants. He’s like her puppet on a string…

  • Mari2

    December 12, 2017

    @Ana
    I have no idea what his mom says or does when he leaves. I didn’t ask either. As for blocking co, she doesn’t text me via a phone number. She contacts me thru various apps.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    What does M’s mother say and do, according to what he tells you, when 2 throws him out their house? Or is it that he simply leaves when 2 tells him to in order to stop fighting with her? It’s not good when a husband leaves one wife and runs to another just as soon as they have problems with each other. How can they resolve anything that way?

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Mari2,

    My advice to you would be the same as what Serena said about M coming to you after he’s had an argument with 2. Tell him that he should stay there although he had a dispute with her and work it out. If he can’t work it out then he needs to leave her as in separate for the term indicated in the qur’an. If after that, they can’t work it out, he needs to divorce her. But for him to come to you when he has a problem with her and dump on you with it, that is not right. He needs to man up and stay there and deal with it, as Serena stated.

    Furthermore, he should not let her tell him to leave His own home. That is his home. Hes paying the bills there. He’s supposed to be the man of the house-the authoritative figure. You can help him as well by telling him that he’s not welcome at your home either and to stick with the schedule, as Serena stated.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Good looking out! I’m sure it was an error on her part. I read part of it quickly as I was very busy at the time. The small part I read caused me to be slightly confused although I didn’t pickup on what had happened. There were a couple errors or oversights by a couple writers recently. I can’t catch them all. Sometimes I only skim posts for links etc, but don’t read them when I’m tied up with other things.

    Thank you, Serena!

  • Serena

    December 11, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    You can put a stop to what co is doing so it doesn’t disturb your peace. It’s simple just block her number. It’s not like your the only person that she has to contact incase of an emergency. She has mother in law and sis in law incase of emergency if she can’t get hold of husband. Tha way she can’t send you text complaining and whining.

    As for your husband tell him your not interested and just walk into another room. Actually refuse to listen. He can’t force you to listen. This may not sound nice but if he stays at yours after an argument with her tell him to sleep in the spare room or sofa that’s if you want your own space. Or you could also tell him to stick to your schedule. Be a man and deal with it. So he has an argument with her and he runs to yours. Tell him deal with it. Stay at hers just sleep in the living room.

  • Serena

    December 11, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Karima

    It was nice that you posted here again.

    Make the most of the time you have with your children as a stay at home mum. Keep youself busy with your kids by doing activities with them. They grow up so fast and we are left wondering where did all those years go.

    I also don’t really tell all my friends what’s going on in my life. I have a few close friends that I have known for many years and share stuff with them otherwise with other friends I tend not to talk about personal stuff. I don’t need to and don’t feel they need to know.

    Karima think what binge eating will do to your health. You have two small kids to take care of. Your body is given to you by Allah so please look after it.

    Also remember dua is powerful. Keep asking Allah to have your needs fulfilled.

  • Mari2

    December 11, 2017

    Salam. There are so many great conversations happening right now on this thread. I hope all here find answers to their questions and helpful advice from sisters.

    I wish I could focus more to advise sisters here, but of the past weeks I feel off kilter due to drama between M and 2. Now I need some input.

    M and 2 have and will always have (it seems on the surface) drama. But their drama of the past weeks is infiltrating my separate life. By separate, I mean personal things/arguments of theirs that I have no need to know of. Friday is M’s day with 2. At around 10 pm he showed up at my home (I was in bed) because 2 told him to leave because she was angry with him for x, y or z reason. While happy to see him, I then had to deal with her mad, insane texting.

    I am honestly beginning to feel like an annoyed parent of constantly bickering small children. He throws his drama with 2 at my feet. 2 throws her drama with M at my feet. Well upon whose feet do I throw the drama of my life? Who’s helping me with my own issues? ALLAH.

    When M left this morning he said “she said I should stay here again tonight so be ready.” My response to them both in my mind was a couple of not so nice words, may ALLAH forgive me. I just feel so done with dealing with both of them.

    For the past 3 evenings I’ve dreamt about finding a great house in a valley. I walk into the home and love it and feel at peace inside because there is no one about. I walk through each room of the home and admire the architecture and think “what a perfect room do do my prayers in.” I think my mind is sending me a message.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Ita, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hello there, Ida from Indonesia! Nice to make your acquaintance. It’s good to hear you’ve found the information and material on this blog helpful to you. You’re a very smart lady to research the topic of polygamy before committing to becoming a wife to an already married man. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us more if you have any questions or concerns. Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you as best we can.

    Big hug to you, Sister Ita, from our blog family and from me here in New Jersey (United States). {{{HUGS}}}

  • Ita

    December 11, 2017

    Assalamualaikum Sisters, Hello All.

    I am Ita from Indonesia. I come across this website when I googling some information about Polygamy since I have a plan to marry an American man as his third wife. So before I jump into the polygamy marriage, I try to gather information as many as I can.

    Previously, I would to ask some questions about what to do and what not to do in polygamy marriage. But then, after reading the discussion at this blog randomly, now I hesitate to continue the plan. Especially when I read how much hustle that co-wife can caused to the first wife and how much pain that you all been thru. I admire your strength.

    To all sisters, I pray that Allah gives you strength and guidance to overcome the matters.

    Big hug from Indonesia

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    You asked, “why did they have to keep me in dark,why was I made a fool???” Let me see. Could it be that it was because they had an idea how upset and distraught you’d be once you found out about them? Perhaps they didn’t want to go through the drama of it all before the marriage and then after the marriage, as well. Why not just deal with after?

    Aisha, the bottom line is that it is what it is, and it can’t be any different. We could only surmise what it would have been like if the script was written differently, but it wasn’t written differently. It playing out as it is supposed to. Allah wrote the script.

    I’m glad to hear that you are getting better although it is slowly. Slowly is okay. Slowly is good. At least you’re making progress. To get better, you’ve got to learn our religion-Islam. You need the right belief in order to get into Jannah/Paradise. Only the righteous will enter it. You’ve got to read the Quran and learn what Allah tells us in it and live it. Stop blaming your husband and his other wife for your life. He, she and you are not gods. There is only One God-Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    You said that you were “fully prepared and accepting of the situation then he changed his mind” the first time he was intended. Well, if you were truly fully prepared and accepting (of polygamy and Allah’s decree) you would still be now that he has married a different person. The truth is that you were never fully prepared and accepting; although, you may have thought you were.

    No one knows how she will be in a situation until she is in it and living it. You said you felt “angry with him for putting me through all those feeling for nothing.” Aisha, your husband didn’t and doesn’t know the future. We all make our intentions about things. We make plans, but we don’t know what the outcome will be until it happens. Allah tells us that we plot and plan, but He is the Master Planner. He is the Best of Planners.

    People get fooled, as they think that just because things go their way they think they made it happen. Many times people fall asleep thinking that they are doing it all. Yet, they’re being lead further and further away from the straight path. It may be better to have things not go as we plan most of the time, so that we can see the reality as to who is doing what. Allah is the Doer of all things.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    First you should ask yourself where Allah fits into the equation for you. Based on what you’ve written, I don’t see that you see Him in it. You’ve laid out how you wanted things to be, like you’re in charge. You stated, ” I wanted him to get it over and done with and marry there before my son was old enough to understand. I thought it was better that he got married early”

    It doesn’t seem that your husband looked at what part Allah played in the whole scenario either. You said, “He was engaged and everything and at the last minute he said he doesn’t want to get married.He swore that he doesn’t and he can never do such to me and his family he like things as they are.”

    You and your husband both think that each of you are in control and are in charge of your lives. Do you not believe that Allah has chosen our mates for us? He decides who gets married to whom and when? If you did, you wouldn’t be blaming your husband for having married another when and how he did. I’m sorry that I need to inform you that life isn’t about you. I hear from you that he did this, that and the other to you, and you don’t like it. Well, who are you and Who died and left boss?

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear from you again. I’m glad you refreshed my memory as to which Aisha you are, as there has been a few ladies who were here who have used the name as their username over the years.

    As Moipone stated, basically, you’ve got to get to a place where you’ve got your own life, and you’re not just a reflection of your husband. She intends to pursue a profession in a field that she believes will be rewarding for her. It’s something that she’s highly interested in and is inclined towards. It’s something for her apart from her husband. Women need to find themselves and not let their husband define them.

    Now, to help you get to that place, you need to see where you’re going wrong, so that you could change and move forward.

  • Moipone

    December 10, 2017

    Hi Aisha

    Yes I am from South Africa. Polygamy is indeed not for the faint hearted and to be betrayed by people who smile and see you everyday makes it even worse. I was in a dark place very very dark place (betrayal paralysis you)when I stumbled upon this blog.

    You have find something to live for like your son. Find a reason to smile everyday. Find yourself again you know the Aisha you were before your husband it really changes things.

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    My apologies…i just went back to read the rules.Moipone dont feel otherwise about me asking to know you more since you are from S.A no obligation what so ever.

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    Tunis…Asalam alikum
    i think the sisters have said a mouthful regarding your situation. so like they said it is about time you faced your fears and ask your husband straight out what are his intentions and what is a way forward for both of you.In sha Allah he gives you clarity

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    hi Moipone guessing by your name I think you are from South African? I am South African too.would love to know you more. I dont know your whole story but from your post you sound calm and happy …you are in a space I want to be in

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    Asalam alikum everyone..
    Ana I dont know if you still remember me as it has been a while since I visited the blog .a year to be exact…too long right I know I have been struggling really bad with my situation
    let me give a little background on my story incase you forgot me.Ok my husband and I been married for 8years and then we had a 1 year old son when his family pressured him into marrying in Pakistan(so he said) So I wanted him to get it over and done with and marry there before my son was old enough to understand. I thought it was better that he got married early.All that time I spent preparing myself for an even that would turn my life and my marriage upside down as I knew everything would not remain the same.i was basically preparing myself for war,had my armour ready for something that didn’t take place. He was engaged and everything and at the last minute he said he doesn’t want to get married.He swore that he doesn’t and he can never do such to me and his family he like things as they are.I felt so relieved and free but angry with him for putting me through all those feeling for nothing.
    fast forward a year ago he got married behind my back.i have never felt so betrayed.i was ready for him to get married,I wasn’t happy about about but i fully prepared and accepting of the situation then he changed his mind.Now we had a another son ,our first boy has turned 4 ,then he decides to do this to us. I really have hit rock bottom,I struggled to get out of bed ,I couldn’t eat .neglected my salaah. I was a complete mess still are but i am slowly getting better.what made everything even worse was that he married the daughter of a friend here in south africa. A friend who visited us often and said nothing.why did they have to keep me in dark,why was I made a fool????? did I mean so less to him to disregard and disrespect me in this way.Sisters it has been a long lonely road to recovery…marriage and polygamy is not for the faint hearted

  • Moipone

    December 9, 2017

    Hi Ana

    Thank you I am proud to have reached here too.

    Sister Karima this will pass too the binging, loneliness. I have only one friend that knows that I am in a polygamy marriage we have been friends since college . I lied to her at first but after telling her I felt lighter. I am an introvert so not really good with having a lot of my friends.

    Just let it come to you and you will have your aha moment too, it may seem hard right now but your will get there believe me.

    You should go for the Degree in Education, it will change your life so much and redirect your attention.

    Talk to your husband too , you are in this together. You may sound like a stuck record believe me, I did but it helped a lot. Dont bottle everything inside girl depression is not a good thing sucks the life out of you.

    Hope you feel better soon .

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone,

    I forgot to mention that a number of people have written to me saying that they’ve read my book more than once, and it has helped them tremendously in not only their marriage but their lives in general. Thank you much for sharing with us that you have reread it, as well. I appreciate it immensely! 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No question is a stupid one. When I first became Muslim, I read in an Islamic book (not Quran) that if we admit to not knowing something, then Allah give us knowledge of it.

    About the 72 virgins that men will have in Paradise, usually suicide bombers are the ones who talk that talk and the ones who blew themselves up will be in for a shock of their lives when they find themselves in the Hellfire.

    A person who commits suicide won’t be in Jannah/Paradise, nope, not after killing and injuring other people. They are of those who create mischief in the land.

    There are a number of ayat (verses) in the Quran in which Allah mention that THE RIGHTEOUS will have the fullfillment of their hearts desire. For men, it includes volumptuous women of equal age and pure vigins.

    I think it’s the uneducated, ignorant men who sit around thinking about that. It includes men who are willing to blow themselves up thinking and trying to get there for the women. There is far more to Paradise/Jannah than that. Small minded, shallow men dwell on that aspect of it. Those are my thoughts about it…

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I’m so happy you wrote in; although you’re sick 🙁 I pray you’re feeling better, dear sister.

    It’s good you are trying to stay busy even though you don’t have the hours in teaching that you’d like. Stay optimistic and whatever you do, don’t despair.

    Karima, I don’t know why you’re keeping everything to yourself, and you don’t speak to anyone close to you about what is happening in your life with your husband. Polygamy is part of our way of life, Islam. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Okay, initially and for a while a woman probably will feel shame about it, but once she becomes knowledgeable about our religion, she gets better and move forward. She gets to a new place. You’re totally stuck right now.

    You can’t expect that it’s just going to happen for you, that one day you’ll wake up a new and happy you without putting in the work. I don’t mean putting in the work in trying to get along with your husband better and like what he’s doing. It goes way deeper than that. You have to believe what Allah tells us in the Quran, ALL of it. Not just what deals with marriage and will make your marriage better. You’ve got to turn to Allah for help to have Him guide you about Islam in it’s entirety. You’ve got to stop making your marriage the focal point in your life. Anyhow, it’s what I think of what’s happening to you based on what you’ve written in your last post and all the previous ones.

    Insha Allah, when your fingers stop aching, write in so we all could continue to chat with you. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone,

    I have the Blu-ray of “Why Did I get Married.” It’s a good movie. It’s funny how we could watch so many movies about people and their problems, yet think we are the exception to the rule and should live happily-ever-after on this planet. SMH… It’s as though we say, for instance, oh, that’s them; my life will never be like that; I’ve got it all under control. But, then it turns out like that, and we don’t know what happened. LOL

    A woman doesn’t need to be religious to accept that men and women are different from each other, and men tend to covet or desire more than one woman. You said men are like children; I tend to agree. I remember when I was younger and heard my mom talking with her girlfriend who said, “Men are just like children; you’ve got to train them” LOL She understood…

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone, Hi there! 🙂

    It’s so good to hear from you, and it’s especially good to hear that you are well and all is coming along nicely for you and your family. Furthermore, it’s exciting to hear that you intend to pursue a degree in psychology, a field that you have a strong interest in. That is awesome!

    You’ve come a long ways, Moipone. You sound very happy in your writing. You must be proud…

    I think you’re doing the right thing by not giving up on your husband just because he’s done what he is allowed to do (have more than one wife). I think many a woman have thrown their husband away when (she loves him and he loves her) all because he loves another woman as well. God has made men with that capability.

    I know many women who are all alone, because they refuses to SHARE. How sad! As you stated, your husband has always been by your side. You’d be foolish to give up a good husband. You know what you’ve got, but you don’t know what you’d get if you let him go.

  • Karima

    December 8, 2017

    Salam Everyone

    Ana apologies for not writing. I visit the blog every day and get courage to go on no matter what. I don’t comment as I’m usisng the phone and laptop a lot for work and my fingers are aching. At the moment i am sick so I decided to write.

    My children are 3 and 7. So still young for me to go get a full time job. I don’t want that and husband doesn’t want either. I keep doing my group classes in the mornings but it’s only 1 hour work per day , you can’t get serious money by doing that even if you spend a few hours a day on social media promoting and organising the classes. But they are my therapy and give me a purpose. At the moment that’s what I can do ! I am thinking of getting another degree in the future in education and then get a full time when my little one will go to school too.

    I am not happy with my husband I am lonely but I have to accept this and work on myself and my goals. It s not going well as I feel isolated – I don’t have friends coming over often as everyone is busy and only 1 knows about our situation ..: I am the type of person who doesn’t want to fake and because I know I would have to pretend all is perfect I prefer not to meet often with the ones closer to me cause they would ask n then Either I would lie or I would say how sad n lonely I am…
    And would make the situation awkward lol . I mean I can’t do anything about it at the moment, why then talk about it? So I eat and binge to forget my stress and bad feelings..: didn’t. Manage to lose any weight yet and I don’t care !!!

    No I care but can’t do anything about it have no motivation whatsoever:(

  • Karima

    December 8, 2017

    Salam

    Propably a stupid question but is it really written
    In the Quran that men in paradise will get 72 uri – virgins – each plus their wive/wives beautified etc?

  • Moipone

    December 8, 2017

    Hi Ladies

    Time has gone by for quickly true, my daughter passed going to the next grade. I passed the course I was doing with distinction. Which led me to take up a course that I really wanted to do in the first place a Degree in Psychology starting next year so exicted I cannot wait.

    As a person I have grown up a lot over the past year that my life took a turn and I thought it was going to kill me and I survived the whole.

    We women are strong and can take anything and thrive at the end.

    As for my marriage wow I am no longer angry and when thoughts of anger come I read the book from Ana again and again. He has improved a lot my husband because when I dont like something I dont go to bad angry I tell him straight to his face and I have stopped trying to control everything.

    Who has seen Why did I get married? You know when Patricia advices her friends to make a list on both side of the good and bad your man has done and if the good out weighs the bad.
    Dont give up its the trials of marriage or relationship. When I applied that logic to be honest besides the lie that he got married behind my back this man has been by my side through the worst in my life. Where most would run .
    I am not religious not there yet . I have made peace with a lot of things in our relationship. As for my co I dont think about her even obsess if he called her or not.

    I no longer compare myself to her because believe me I have lost enough sleep over it and reach a point of saying no more. He is my husband too end of story.

    Sister Tunis I get your fustration and I will give you my 2 cent from a person who is not religious and I dont intend to offend anyone here.
    Tell your husband what you want from him and expect, because we women tend to think men can read our minds. Men are like children to be honest , you need to say it out loud. Hope everything works out at the end.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2017

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’ll probably just need to create a new email address to use for the blog and any place you want to go on the internet annonymously. Just make sure you remember your username and password.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I hear ya! You’re so right. Allah knows our intentions, so what’s the need for someone to put it on blast and say they are doing a certain thing “for the sake of Allah”?
    My thing is:just do it and shut up about it. If anything, talk to Allah about it in prayer…

  • Serena

    December 6, 2017

    Salam

    Ana I can see why it’s confusing when someone says they doing something for the sake of Allah.

    Allah knows our intentions so who are people really deceiving when making that statement. Shouldn’t we do things anyway to gain reward from Allah. I know sometimes in fact many times we loose focus and do things to please others. That’s fine only if we are conscious of Allah and put his Pleasure before pleasing the created.

    I was once told to forgive someone for the sake of Allah. I agreed but I never felt I truly forgave them. I kind of felt pressured because Allah’s name was mentioned.

    Tunis

    Maybe you do accept polygamy maybe you don’t. It may be harder for you because it’s perhaps not the way you thought polygmay should be like or because it’s difficult accepting how your huaband is living it?

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    As you stated, maybe you haven’t truly accepted polygamy yet. The important thing is that you realize it. Only then could you do something about it and work on yourself and your beliefs. It’s a good thing. Although it seems that your concern should be more with what is happening with you and your husband oppose to accepting polygamy. Maybe first make your intent to find out what type of relationship, if any, you will have with your husband. Work on that and put the concept of polygamy on the back burner for the time being.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    Thank you for sharing with us your breakthrough. Your little daughter sounds like a sweetheart.

    I’m a firm believer that having occasional disagreements are all part of growth. I remember reading someplace that a couple who doesn’t have occasional altercation or arguments don’t communicate. No one will agree with another ALL the time. I think when one has a major disagreement or altercation it can cause one to learn a lot about oneself, find out where they need work and move forward in becoming a better person. It’s progression. The problem is when one learns nothing. They keep doing the same thing and thinking the same way. They stay exactly where they are as if stuck.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    With regard to those who say they do such and such “for the sake of Allah”, it’s like a wife saying she accepts polygamy simply because she hasn’t divorced her husband, yet she hates everything about polygamy and about her husband’s other wife. That is not “acceptance.” It’s the same when a wife hates that she’s in a polygamous marriage, wishes her husband wasn’t married to the other woman, but she tells others that she loves her co-wife “for the sake of Allah”. It’s a straight up lie. She doesn’t love her. If she did, why not just say, I love my co wife or I love so and so? And if it isn’t the truth, she’s accountable for that lie. It’s all so unnecessary to go there with that saying. Keep it to yourself…

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Sakina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for shedding some light on what you think some people may mean when they say they do something “for the sake of Allah.” I don’t think I’ll ever understand it LOL I think it’s because when we do something good and we’re in remembrance of Allah we’re doing it for the good of our own soul. It benefits us. So if we’re doing it to benefit ourselves while remembering Allah, it’s not “for the sake of Allah.” Furthermore, let’s say the person who says it truly believe they are doing something for the sake of Allah, then why on earth do they have to mention it? To mention it to another indicates it’s about more than Allah. The person seems to want recognition or praise for something. None of it makes any sense to me. I think a lot of times people simple say what others have said and think nothing of what it means. (shrugging my shoulders) Allah knows why He has made people do what they do. Many a Muslim want to be seen and praised by man, the same as non-Muslims do.

  • Tasliyman

    December 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    I dont know much about men in general but I do know that my husband is not going to “figure out” anything where emotions are concerned even if it seems so obvious to me.

    It’s just not in his DNA https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2017

    Sister Tasliyman..your words..”stop trying to get your husband to figure out what you need from him”..WOW…these are some powerful words for me ..thats it ..I saw it….thats it…..!
    These will resonate in my head.

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2017

    Mashallah thanks to all the sisters who have reached out to me with their words of advice and comfort.

    I can see AND hear now , from my own words with him, that I do come across as needy. I thought I WAS telling him what I want or need in a relationship…i’m just not very diplomatic with my words..they convey neediness.?? I never was, for almost all the years of our marriage, until his taking of another wife. Sometimes I have wondered if I am really accepting polygamy or not? this has crossed my mind.

    And I get it, from what all you sisters have shared with me now, I can’t repeat all your names..but wow, all your words were what I needed to hear. I READ, I HEAR, I UNDERSTAND.
    I have been putting myself thru some unhealthy energy..which I should have been directing to Allah. Which is repeated all the time here. Which I do..but I keep slacking..for a better lack of words…into obsessing on the husband. Allah is the one who guides and turns and changes our hearts.
    I see what I must do ladies…inshallah.
    Allah knows what is best for me and what I need.

    I must step back and see how my husband will continue to be…I need to exercise patient and pray to Allah for guidance and help..for He hears our calls.
    And I must trust knowing things will be as Allah has decreed.

    I can’t thank all of you enough for all this help. Its like an Awards ceremony..I would like to thank…..

  • Tasliyman

    December 4, 2017

    Salaamu Alaykum ladies.

    I believe that being able to let go of trying to control our husbands’ actions and accepting that Allah is in charge really helps a lot. I realize that its hard to get into this method of thinking but once you’ve accomplished it you’ll start noticing a difference in the way you react to situations.

    My husband and I had a major argument this weekend, something that happens very seldom lately, but over something we’ve had issues about in the past. After my initial reaction of disappointment and hurt (and thinking about divorce https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif) I managed to pull myself together as I knew that I was not gonna let something so trivial rob me of a really great marriage. I accepted that what happened is a test from Allah to me as well as my husband. I told myself that I should focus on my my own reactions and all I could do for my husband was to make duah that Allah opens his eyes so he can realise how unislamic his behaviour was instead of trying to force him to see and do things the way I wanted him to. It was time to pray shortly after that, I was ready before him and I asked him if I should wait for him. He was still upset because of the argument and sitting on the bed and just said no. I just turned around and went to start with my prayers. While I was busy he got ready and said his prayers on his own. Afterwards I went to the kitchen and started preparing something to eat then he came to stand by me and told me about the conversation he had with our 5 year old. When I left the room she told him it’s time to pray. He then said he has a headache. She said you still have to pray even if you have a headache. He gave her another excuse (which I cant remember now) but then she said if you take one step towards Allah, Allah takes 10 steps towards you…..
    That hit him so hard he got up and ready for praying immediately. Besides that he told me it was as if Allah was talking directly to him through our daughter. He admitted that he was wrong and he can now see what I’ve been warning him about all along. We resolved our issues on the same day.

    This was clear proof to me of what we so often talk about on here on the blog. Put your focus and trust in Allah, don’t try to control your husband and stop expecting them to act in a certain way because you say so. Rather turn to Allah and make duah for them. Surely Allah knows best.

    Tunis, my advice would be to stop trying to get your husband to figure out what you need from him and rather make duah. Talk to Allah about what it is that you want and also ask Allah to guide your husband to get back to treating you the way a husband should treat his wife. Try to find peace in the fact that Allah knows what is best for us even when we dont.

  • Sakina

    December 4, 2017

    Salam Alaykum : )

    I read that also very often ” for the sake of Allah” It means more that he fulfills his obligations in regard to Allah, whether there are feelings or not. If i am angry i say sometimes that :D…meaning i do this not for u only for Allah. Other people take this to show how pious they are..hey i always think first of Allah…And somebody who fear and love Allah, it intends that he will give u ur rights. But its not about the true emotions in our hearts.
    Iam sorry for tunis…so much love in ur heart. Maybe when u realise what ur husband feelings are not love anymore with time ur love will also fly away. But u have to be honest to urself. Think about what u want to do in ur live in the future. Could u imagine there would be a time after that marriage, even that u could marry again? It is not so, that u have nothing, remember that, u have a husband who is friendly and takes care of ur financials? So if i dont were in love with him, but i dont intend to marry again, i would not search a divorce. In sha Allah ask Allah to clear ur feelings or change ur heart that u are not blinded by love.
    A nice Day to u all!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    Don’t blame yourself for what is happening in your marriage. Allah knows best why things are as they are. No One knows absolutely, but Him.

    You’ve done well, as far as I can see. You’ve made your intention to accept polygamy and tried your best to make your marriage work. Remember, there is always a chance Allah will soften your husband’s heart for you and he’ll want to resume your marriage for the better.

    The challenge for you now is to accept Allah’s decision regardless of what it may be. As Serena had said in a previous post, we need to be grateful to Allah in all situations. It’s all a work in progress for each and everyone of us.

    Allah says, if it wasn’t for His Mercy, we’d all be in the Hellfire.

    {{{hugs}}} Tunis, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    MS,

    Your post was a BEAUTIFUL reminder for us all. Allah is the only One whom we can rely on and trust. Tunis’ posts should remind us of it as well. None of us know what Allah has decreed for us or how He will test or punish us.

    We don’t know why Allah does what He does, but we know that he has a purpose and reason for all things. We know He says that He tests us with one another.

    Perhaps, if in fact, Tunis’ husband doesn’t love her any longer the way that he had before, it’s a good thing. Maybe Allah has caused this to happen so that Tunis will grow nearer to Him – hopefully not further away from Him. There is wisdom in all of Allah’s decisions. He knows what is best for us.

  • MS

    December 3, 2017

    @Tunis

    Hearing Ana and Serena suggest that your husband doesn’t love you or care much for your marriage was hard to read. Allah knows best whether it’s true.

    The idea that we can love a person and sacrifice for them, but they couldn’t care less made me feel really down.

    It just reminded me that the only ‘person’ we can rely on to not reject us is Allah. He always sees and appreciates our efforts. The more we love Him the more He loves us. It made me feel better knowing that even if the people don’t love us we can always rely on Allah and His unlimited love.

    Not sure if that’s helpful Tunis, but I just thought it was worth reminding you that even if your husband rejects and leaves you Allah will never turn His back on you whilst you’re one of His beloved slaves. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    Serena raised a very important point. She stated that you may be coming across to your husband as being needy. Generally, men do not like needy women. They like women to need them to do things for them and to help them, for instance. However, they don’t like women who are like all clingy and need to be told how much they are loved and wanted type thing. They don’t like women who they feel are suffocating them or all over them like a cheap suit.

    Thinking about it now, you do come across as that type of person fishing for the words from him that he loves you back and wants you. As Serena stated, it’s okay to let him know you love him, but don’t expect anything back, unless he wants to give it freely to you. Do you really want him to call you just because you want him to or do you want him to call you because he’s feeling it and wants to talk with you – he misses you?

    I’d say, don’t call or text him so that he could feel the love for you in your absence from him, but, sadly, you go a long time without hearing from him and it seems to make no difference to him.

    You mustn’t become angry with your husband for not feeling the love for you the way that you want him to. You won’t become angry if you truly believe that Allah controls the heart, as well as everything else.

    As Serena said, keep turning to Allah. Seek His guidance and help. You need to exercise patience, as well. Things will be as Allah has decreed.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Serena,

    That’s what I’m talking about!!! It drives me crazy drives me crazy when someone says that. What does it mean? I’m with you about what you think about the saying.

    It really freaks me out when a wife says it about a co-wife whom we know the person doesn’t love based on posts they’ve written. Maybe it makes the one who says it feel pious/righteous or something???

    A person either loves someone or doesn’t. They don’t need to ADD that the love is “for the sake of Allah.” A person doesn’t know why Allah places love in his or her heart for someone, IF in fact the love is there. Plus, it sounds that the person who says it thinks they are doing Allah a favor. SMH Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for Him.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Ana

    Some people say to others they love them for the sake of Allah. I honestly still don’t understand how. Love what love? If they love them for the sake of Allah what does that love mean? Would someone just say it to make another feel better because Allahs name is mentioned?

    Also wouldn’t the love you feel be different depending on who you say it to like to a friend or relative? So if you didn’t really like some one you say it so they think you love them but in your heart you don’t really love them? It’s confusing and a term some people use to their advantage.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    I can feel pain in your words but for you the feeling must be worse. You are feeling insecure in your marriage because of how your husband is (or is not) communicating with you.

    You want your husband to tell you he still loves you. That you hold a special place in his heart but he isn’t really doing that. It’s like Ana said he has moved on and you think things are same between you too.

    I too think you know the true answers to your own questions. Don’t worry sister it’s ok to come and post on the blog and get advice/opinions from others. Sometimes just writing everything helps us see things clearly.

    I don’t understand why he says to you to call and stay in touch. Doesn’t he expect that anyway as you are still his wife. Why doesn’t he take the first steps to communicate. Like calling you if you didn’t call him.

    You said yourself you are still struggling with the love thing. You hit the nail on the head. Thats exactly it. You want assurance that he loves you. Maybe through your poetry and text you are coming across to him as being needy. That will give him the extra edge. You know he’ll probably think this woman is desperate for me to love her. He might use that to his advantage.

    Tunis you can continue to show him love but don’t expect any in return and that is hard to accept. You love someone but they don’t feel the same way. All is not lost as Allah controls the hearts so keep doing plenty of dua. Ask Allah to put love and mercy in your husband’s heart for you.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said, “This morning he texted me..”I married you for the sake of Allah and I love you for the sake of Allah there is no love(with a heart here)stronger than that. Inshallah I will call you and send some pictures.”

    Your husband did not come out and directly say to you that he loves you (for instance, you know I love you, baby. You’re the love my life.)

    I can’t get with someone saying that they love another for the sake of Allah. Either a person loves someone or doesn’t. When they say such a thing, it’s as though the person is saying he or she controls his or her heart and the love in it.

    Allah tells us that He controls the heart. Allah puts the love in the persons heart. A person can’t do it. When a person truly loves someone they don’t need to say it’s for the sake of Allah. The person who says that cliché only repeat a common saying. How does the person know that Allah wants him or her to love the other person? The only way to know is if the feeling is TRULY in the heart of the person who says it. To say, I love so and so for the sake of Allah is useless rhetoric.

    For your husband to have said that it’s for the sake of Allah tells you that he does not love you as a husband and wife do. As I said, it sounds more to me that he is not in love with you any longer, but has a fondness for you as you and he have children together and you and he have history together. Whatever he feels in his heart for you, Allah has placed it there whether it’s love or merely a friendship, which is what he may be alluding to with regard to his statement.

    Remember, actions speak louder than words. He’s not banging down your door and trying to get with you. He’s not pledging his undying love for you.

    Tunis, I understand you want to have a marriage with your husband and live as husband and wife. It sounds to me that he has moved on. You need to make your intention to stay married in name only and have him continue to care for you financially or whatever he is doing to contribute to your maintenance or divorce him, get your due (legally) and move on. Don’t take his word for anything. Get legal advice and go through the courts to resolve the divorce in a way that is favorable to you and in your best interest. Don’t take your husband’s word for anything… Be wise!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said you feel that you are not a priority in his life. You may right about it, based on how he’s been communicating with you. Actions tell us a lot about people, more than words. The fact that he’s not talking about coming to see you or you coming to see him etc. is an indication of where you stand in his life.

    You’re probably afraid to ask him directly out of fear that he will reiterate that he wants a divorce. The only reason that you should stay silent about yours feeling and what you want is if you want to remain married to him despite not having a relationship. If you don’t want to be left hanging and want him to tell you out of his mouth where you stand, then you’d have to ask directly and press him to answer. Don’t give him a way to avoid answering. Just be ready for the answer, which I think you already know what the answer is.

    As hurtful and sad as it may be, it sounds to me that he has fallen out of love with you; although he probably still loves you as you are the mother of his children and you have history together.

    He’s there with your daughter. Have you spoken with your daughter about what her dad is saying about your and his marriage?

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Sister Tunis,

    I can’t remember what the email was that you sent him that you spoke of in your last post before taking a brief break from here.

    I know what you’re going through can’t be easy for you, as you indicated that you love him and don’t want a divorce. I kind of get the feeling that you don’t come right out and speak what’s on your mind and ask him what’s going on with you two, as you are afraid of his answer. Even when you did say to him, “you keep me hangin baby but thanks for the lovely dua”..that “I need some lovin too..do I have a man or dont I” ..”it feels like my cup of love is starting to spill”, you followed it up with, “”but that’s ok,..may Allah except ur dua”.. You gave him a way out so that he didn’t have to answer you.

    It sounds to me that you and he are in the friends zone. You both exchange pleasantries, poetry, nice sayings. It’s not at all passionate. It doesn’t sound like two people who are in love with each other. You stated he said for you to call him sometimes. It’s what friends or acquaintances say. It doesn’t sound like husband and wife stuff, such as when are you coming home and how long are you going to stay? I’m coming there to see you etc.

    Furthermore, Tunis, you tell him the opposite of what you mean. Men take what women say for their word at face value. You wished him well and told him to enjoy his new life. Well, apparently, that is what he is doing and may be what he actually think you want him to do. You gave him your blessings with regard to it. Why should he think you mean anything different? You know you didn’t mean it. We all need to start saying what we really feel and mean or say nothing at all.

    Women need to be direct with their husbands about what they want or need. Men don’t think the same as women do, and they are not mind readers.

  • Tunis

    December 3, 2017

    Am I making a big deal out of nothing, yet? But I really don’t want to get into it over the phone..sometimes I wonder why I write..Sh#t like this to him. I want him to come forward I think with something from him..not me always dragging it out of him. I know I should just sit tight and not make waves and hold my thoughts and feelings from manifesting themselves. I know still, I will demand what is entitled to me with my marriage license if he wants a divorce..and he inshallah will give it to me with me or without me in his life. Im just still struggling with the love thang.
    I appreciate this Blog ever so much….

    May Allah send down much goodness we are all in need of.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I, too, can’t believe that this year is nearly over. It seems it just only began LOL. It’s amazing and scary at the same time. Our lives are going to be over in a twinkling of an eye. We need to ever be working on getting ourselves together (to Insha Allah enter Jannah/Paradise) before it’s too late. I’m trying to stay focused! I appreciate your reminded. I’m taking heed of it, dear sister.

    @All,

    As Serena said, it would be nice to hear from you all even if it’s just a quick salaam. I hope you all are well!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you. I had been thinking of you. I asked about you recently in a post thinking you may have been reading, but didn’t hear from you. It appears everyone gets busy doing other things or come and write at the same time LOL It seems to happen that way lately.

    Tunis,

    Probably, we would get a better understanding so we could comment effectively, if you give us an update of the status of your marriage in terms of whether you are married to him legally still or you and he have an Islamic marriage only right now? Did you and he disolve the Marriage License/Certificate?

  • Tunis

    December 3, 2017

    Asalamu alaiukm HELLO Everyone

    I need some help at seeing the picture here..from those on the outside…
    For those who know,..but to those who dont.. I cant keep repeating my whole story..so I will just try to continue where I left off in my situation with husband..

    Well he seemed so insistent about reaching me ever since he rec’d that email from me.
    But the Two weeks PRIOR to that, (after that fateful phone call)..I never got a texted or a call from him.

    Then I didn’t hear from him like TWICE in the next 18 days b4 I left for my home in GA. Oct 28th.
    He said call him when I get home..I texted the day I arrived..next 2 days nothing from him. It was when my son skyped his sister at the house where my husband is..that he popped up in view..it was awkward for me.

    I was very much angry and hurting and missing him all at once. I had a hard time even looking him in the face. He says to call him sometimes, b4 we hung up.

    I texted him the next day. The following day I get a pic of a rose..says he is working on the house upstairs.. and to have a nice day.”

    I text him 3 times in 7 days. a causal “how r u” and also regarding some business…NO response..till I send a pic of MYSELF..then he responds..?? He sends a pic of our daughter and grandkids..and a nice quote.
    9 days go by….I send a good morning pic..he response with the like, next day..then again 8 days later with another good morning pic and pic of our daughter. I respond nicely.

    5 days later…Nov. 30th.. I send a video of our tree’s leaves falling and the chimes. then followed it up with like poetry words(crazy, I know) wishing him well and enjoy his new life. ‘Cause it feels like im not even a/or (another) priority in his life. But why am I bothering,,you all may be thinking..?
    I didnt want to get into any conversation with him regarding how im feeling..but he never ever brought anything up since then. I cant seem to just come out and say HEY,,where do I stand in your life ! It seems I speak better through some kind of poetry words I come up with to him ..is that weird or what.?
    Then he sent back next day a pic of dua..’May Allah erase your secret fears, answer ur secret prayers.wipe away ur secret tear.. like this.
    I could not help myself..not sure why..but I TEXTED back the WORDS he used regarding how he felt about me b4, saying….” THAT CUP OF LOVE IS EMPTY”….that’s what I suddenly felt BACK…when I say this pic.
    He saw it, but did not respond…

    Hours later I texted and said “how it sounded so cliche..what does that really mean anyway? and “that he did not CALL me 1 time in the whole month…and I said “you keep me hangin baby but thanks for the lovely dua”..that “I need some lovin too..do I have a man or dont I” ..”it feels like my cup of love is starting to spill”…”but that’s ok,..may Allah except ur dua”..

    This morning he texted me..”I married you for the sake of Allah and I love you for the sake of Allah there is no love(with a heart here)stronger than that. Inshallah I will call you and send some pictures.”

    ?????????????????????????

    I don’t know what to say to this man if he calls me.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Hope all the sisters are well.

    Can’t believe the year is nearly over. Time is flying by. Remember to thank Allah in all situations and even though some maybe going through a tough time like Ana said it shall pass. Don’t dwell in the negative. Think positive and never despair the mercy of Allah.

    Would be nice to hear from the other sisters even if it’s just a quick salam.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    Nura, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so good to hear from you again. I think most of us have been super busy lately. I can’t imagine if I had to work a 9-5 and had kids as well. I think I’d be ready for the looney bin LOL. It’s not quite cold here in NJ where I am. In fact, today was a beautiful, fairly warm, bright and sunny day. I don’t know how many more of them we’ll have this season. Insha Allah, we’ll have a mild, uneventful winter.

    I’m glad you were there to console your friend whose husband just got married again. I could imagine what she’s going through. There is light at the end of the tunnel for her, if she does what you advised her to do – focus all her attention on Allah – and this too, shall pass. She’ll look back, laugh and shake her head at how she reacted and what she went through during the stage of her life. Certainly, going through it is tough and rough, but it could move one forward to the best place ever in her life and will be grateful to Allah for the experience.

    Thank you again for sharing and for your wise words of encouragement and advice! 🙂

  • Nura

    December 1, 2017

    ASC… it has been a while since I logged in lol. It has been busy on my end and it sure is getting cold in Midwest. I was setting in my dinning table sipping my cup of tea when a friend called me in panic mode. Her husband just got married to second wive, they been together over 20 yrs. So I calmed her down and I said focus on yourself and allah make dua. As I was advising her I remembered my situation and how I was panicking inside. It all feels so long ago and I laugh at myself why was I scared, or angry, nervous. I was also feeling betrayed and now alhamdulilah I even forget she exists. For those of my sisters who are going through the same situation hang in their it will pass. You will soon feel dumb for even acting up. Focus on yourself . Focus on allah keep yourself busy.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and howdie to All! Happy blessed Jum’uah 🙂

    ummof4,it certainly has been extremely quiet here lately. I was taking it as a sign that all is good and maybe our usual gang are all talked out for the moment LOL

    All,

    As ummof4 stated, feel free to speak up and share the good news as well as anything else you’re interested in chatting about. If you disagree with anything that has been said or have a different take, don’t be shy or think you’ll be rebuke for saying it. It’s okay to agree to respectfully disagree.

  • ummof4

    December 1, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    It’s extremely quiet here lately. That is hopefully a good sign. But remember, it’s okay to share good news as well as venting or seeking advice. Sharing good news and progress is encouraging for all of us.

    May Allah grant everyone in our sisterhood family a blessed Jum’uah. Remember to make du’ah today and every day. Du’ah works if it is done with sincerity.

    Ana, thanks for the reminder about the snowflakes.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 December 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for December 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the November 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:November 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 November 2017 Discussions