December 2017 Discussions

December 2017 DiscussionsWelcome to our December 2017 discussions forum. Simply jump right in and share your experiences or thoughts about polygamy in Islam. Let us know what’s on your mind?

December 2017 discussions

64 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2017

    Basically, the main point I was trying to make is that a husband doesn’t need to get his wife’s permission to come to her home. It shouldn’t resemble a dating situation. It’s not a wife’s position to tell a husband that he can’t come to his own home. If a wife feels as though it’s her home because, for instance, she pays all the bills etc, then she could expect her husband to treat her like a booty call or mistress and the like. She set the tone.

    I have read in other Islamic material (not the Quran) that a husband should let the wife know when he’ll be home, if he’s been away on a trip or something of that nature. It’s so that she could groom herself and look presentable for him upon his arrival.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2017

    Mari2,

    I can see you requesting to have Fridays added to your weekend with your husband. I couldn’t quite get the parallel about you being allowed to come to his home if he expects to pop in over at yours. His other doesn’t come to your home. To me, she coming to your home and you expecting to go to her would be the equivalent. Actually, he should be able to go to either of your homes whenever he wants. Some are of the belief that a man only needs to lay his head down at a wife’s house for it to be called a night. Regardless, it’s all relative to the schedule that the parties to the marriage agree to.

    When I spoke of you making him abide by the schedule, it was with reference to his other throwing him out her house (basically, telling him to go to you) and calling him back when she wanted him. It’s manipulation on her part and probably his, especially if the husband thinks it’s okay to run from his one wife and go to the other every time there’s a problem with them. The point was for them to stay together in the same house to work it out, even if he has to go to a different room or sleep on the floor in the room that she’s in or whatever…

  • Mari2

    December 15, 2017

    So tonight M told me he’s coming. I said no. He really pushed to come by (for sex most likely) but I told him he’s only welcome to stay IF he plans to permanently change the schedule giving me Friday evening and 2 agrees to it (which she won’t). I also told him that if he wants “pop in visits” then I would expect him to reciprocate in kind meaning that I could pop in to his home as I wished or summon him to my house by my leave whenever I chose. I think he got the point. He did stop by briefly and gave me a soda he bought me. Okay. But I quickly sent him on his way until tomorrow morning.

  • Mari2

    December 13, 2017

    @Ana,

    I have little idea of what transpires at his place thankfully. And I don’t really want to know either. But the two of them need to get their act together. It’s constant drama of some sort or another. The both of them manipulate one another IMO. And in some respect they both try to manipulate me as well. She wants to stay here or he wants to stay here, she tells him to leave, she wants to return to Pakistan…ad nauseam. It’s a freaking Pashto drama.

    It reminds me of the times when my family was on a long car ride and my siblings and I would be quibbling in the back seat. Then my dad would announce: I am going to pull this car over and bang all your heads together if you don’t solve your problems right NOW! That’s how I feel…like I need to pull the car over and do some head banging.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    I just find it weird that M’s mother who rules his and his other wife’s lives would allow her daughter-in-law (who is supposed to be subservient to her) to throw her son out the house. Anyhow, I thought they were considering shipping her back to Pakistan. Still, he needs to stay there and deal it, get her in check, or send her back or divorce her.

    As long as you allow him to come to you every time he and she have a row, she’s manipulating you and him. She can send him to you and call him back when she wants. He’s like her puppet on a string…

  • Mari2

    December 12, 2017

    @Ana
    I have no idea what his mom says or does when he leaves. I didn’t ask either. As for blocking co, she doesn’t text me via a phone number. She contacts me thru various apps.

  • anabellah

    December 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    What does M’s mother say and do, according to what he tells you, when 2 throws him out their house? Or is it that he simply leaves when 2 tells him to in order to stop fighting with her? It’s not good when a husband leaves one wife and runs to another just as soon as they have problems with each other. How can they resolve anything that way?

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Mari2,

    My advice to you would be the same as what Serena said about M coming to you after he’s had an argument with 2. Tell him that he should stay there although he had a dispute with her and work it out. If he can’t work it out then he needs to leave her as in separate for the term indicated in the qur’an. If after that, they can’t work it out, he needs to divorce her. But for him to come to you when he has a problem with her and dump on you with it, that is not right. He needs to man up and stay there and deal with it, as Serena stated.

    Furthermore, he should not let her tell him to leave His own home. That is his home. Hes paying the bills there. He’s supposed to be the man of the house-the authoritative figure. You can help him as well by telling him that he’s not welcome at your home either and to stick with the schedule, as Serena stated.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Good looking out! I’m sure it was an error on her part. I read part of it quickly as I was very busy at the time. The small part I read caused me to be slightly confused although I didn’t pickup on what had happened. There were a couple errors or oversights by a couple writers recently. I can’t catch them all. Sometimes I only skim posts for links etc, but don’t read them when I’m tied up with other things.

    Thank you, Serena!

  • Serena

    December 11, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    You can put a stop to what co is doing so it doesn’t disturb your peace. It’s simple just block her number. It’s not like your the only person that she has to contact incase of an emergency. She has mother in law and sis in law incase of emergency if she can’t get hold of husband. Tha way she can’t send you text complaining and whining.

    As for your husband tell him your not interested and just walk into another room. Actually refuse to listen. He can’t force you to listen. This may not sound nice but if he stays at yours after an argument with her tell him to sleep in the spare room or sofa that’s if you want your own space. Or you could also tell him to stick to your schedule. Be a man and deal with it. So he has an argument with her and he runs to yours. Tell him deal with it. Stay at hers just sleep in the living room.

  • Serena

    December 11, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Karima

    It was nice that you posted here again.

    Make the most of the time you have with your children as a stay at home mum. Keep youself busy with your kids by doing activities with them. They grow up so fast and we are left wondering where did all those years go.

    I also don’t really tell all my friends what’s going on in my life. I have a few close friends that I have known for many years and share stuff with them otherwise with other friends I tend not to talk about personal stuff. I don’t need to and don’t feel they need to know.

    Karima think what binge eating will do to your health. You have two small kids to take care of. Your body is given to you by Allah so please look after it.

    Also remember dua is powerful. Keep asking Allah to have your needs fulfilled.

  • Mari2

    December 11, 2017

    Salam. There are so many great conversations happening right now on this thread. I hope all here find answers to their questions and helpful advice from sisters.

    I wish I could focus more to advise sisters here, but of the past weeks I feel off kilter due to drama between M and 2. Now I need some input.

    M and 2 have and will always have (it seems on the surface) drama. But their drama of the past weeks is infiltrating my separate life. By separate, I mean personal things/arguments of theirs that I have no need to know of. Friday is M’s day with 2. At around 10 pm he showed up at my home (I was in bed) because 2 told him to leave because she was angry with him for x, y or z reason. While happy to see him, I then had to deal with her mad, insane texting.

    I am honestly beginning to feel like an annoyed parent of constantly bickering small children. He throws his drama with 2 at my feet. 2 throws her drama with M at my feet. Well upon whose feet do I throw the drama of my life? Who’s helping me with my own issues? ALLAH.

    When M left this morning he said “she said I should stay here again tonight so be ready.” My response to them both in my mind was a couple of not so nice words, may ALLAH forgive me. I just feel so done with dealing with both of them.

    For the past 3 evenings I’ve dreamt about finding a great house in a valley. I walk into the home and love it and feel at peace inside because there is no one about. I walk through each room of the home and admire the architecture and think “what a perfect room do do my prayers in.” I think my mind is sending me a message.

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2017

    Ita, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hello there, Ida from Indonesia! Nice to make your acquaintance. It’s good to hear you’ve found the information and material on this blog helpful to you. You’re a very smart lady to research the topic of polygamy before committing to becoming a wife to an already married man. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us more if you have any questions or concerns. Insha Allah, we’ll try to help you as best we can.

    Big hug to you, Sister Ita, from our blog family and from me here in New Jersey (United States). {{{HUGS}}}

  • Ita

    December 11, 2017

    Assalamualaikum Sisters, Hello All.

    I am Ita from Indonesia. I come across this website when I googling some information about Polygamy since I have a plan to marry an American man as his third wife. So before I jump into the polygamy marriage, I try to gather information as many as I can.

    Previously, I would to ask some questions about what to do and what not to do in polygamy marriage. But then, after reading the discussion at this blog randomly, now I hesitate to continue the plan. Especially when I read how much hustle that co-wife can caused to the first wife and how much pain that you all been thru. I admire your strength.

    To all sisters, I pray that Allah gives you strength and guidance to overcome the matters.

    Big hug from Indonesia

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    You asked, “why did they have to keep me in dark,why was I made a fool???” Let me see. Could it be that it was because they had an idea how upset and distraught you’d be once you found out about them? Perhaps they didn’t want to go through the drama of it all before the marriage and then after the marriage, as well. Why not just deal with after?

    Aisha, the bottom line is that it is what it is, and it can’t be any different. We could only surmise what it would have been like if the script was written differently, but it wasn’t written differently. It playing out as it is supposed to. Allah wrote the script.

    I’m glad to hear that you are getting better although it is slowly. Slowly is okay. Slowly is good. At least you’re making progress. To get better, you’ve got to learn our religion-Islam. You need the right belief in order to get into Jannah/Paradise. Only the righteous will enter it. You’ve got to read the Quran and learn what Allah tells us in it and live it. Stop blaming your husband and his other wife for your life. He, she and you are not gods. There is only One God-Allah.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    You said that you were “fully prepared and accepting of the situation then he changed his mind” the first time he was intended. Well, if you were truly fully prepared and accepting (of polygamy and Allah’s decree) you would still be now that he has married a different person. The truth is that you were never fully prepared and accepting; although, you may have thought you were.

    No one knows how she will be in a situation until she is in it and living it. You said you felt “angry with him for putting me through all those feeling for nothing.” Aisha, your husband didn’t and doesn’t know the future. We all make our intentions about things. We make plans, but we don’t know what the outcome will be until it happens. Allah tells us that we plot and plan, but He is the Master Planner. He is the Best of Planners.

    People get fooled, as they think that just because things go their way they think they made it happen. Many times people fall asleep thinking that they are doing it all. Yet, they’re being lead further and further away from the straight path. It may be better to have things not go as we plan most of the time, so that we can see the reality as to who is doing what. Allah is the Doer of all things.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha,

    First you should ask yourself where Allah fits into the equation for you. Based on what you’ve written, I don’t see that you see Him in it. You’ve laid out how you wanted things to be, like you’re in charge. You stated, ” I wanted him to get it over and done with and marry there before my son was old enough to understand. I thought it was better that he got married early”

    It doesn’t seem that your husband looked at what part Allah played in the whole scenario either. You said, “He was engaged and everything and at the last minute he said he doesn’t want to get married.He swore that he doesn’t and he can never do such to me and his family he like things as they are.”

    You and your husband both think that each of you are in control and are in charge of your lives. Do you not believe that Allah has chosen our mates for us? He decides who gets married to whom and when? If you did, you wouldn’t be blaming your husband for having married another when and how he did. I’m sorry that I need to inform you that life isn’t about you. I hear from you that he did this, that and the other to you, and you don’t like it. Well, who are you and Who died and left boss?

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2017

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice to hear from you again. I’m glad you refreshed my memory as to which Aisha you are, as there has been a few ladies who were here who have used the name as their username over the years.

    As Moipone stated, basically, you’ve got to get to a place where you’ve got your own life, and you’re not just a reflection of your husband. She intends to pursue a profession in a field that she believes will be rewarding for her. It’s something that she’s highly interested in and is inclined towards. It’s something for her apart from her husband. Women need to find themselves and not let their husband define them.

    Now, to help you get to that place, you need to see where you’re going wrong, so that you could change and move forward.

  • Moipone

    December 10, 2017

    Hi Aisha

    Yes I am from South Africa. Polygamy is indeed not for the faint hearted and to be betrayed by people who smile and see you everyday makes it even worse. I was in a dark place very very dark place (betrayal paralysis you)when I stumbled upon this blog.

    You have find something to live for like your son. Find a reason to smile everyday. Find yourself again you know the Aisha you were before your husband it really changes things.

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    My apologies…i just went back to read the rules.Moipone dont feel otherwise about me asking to know you more since you are from S.A no obligation what so ever.

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    Tunis…Asalam alikum
    i think the sisters have said a mouthful regarding your situation. so like they said it is about time you faced your fears and ask your husband straight out what are his intentions and what is a way forward for both of you.In sha Allah he gives you clarity

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    hi Moipone guessing by your name I think you are from South African? I am South African too.would love to know you more. I dont know your whole story but from your post you sound calm and happy …you are in a space I want to be in

  • Aisha

    December 10, 2017

    Asalam alikum everyone..
    Ana I dont know if you still remember me as it has been a while since I visited the blog .a year to be exact…too long right I know I have been struggling really bad with my situation
    let me give a little background on my story incase you forgot me.Ok my husband and I been married for 8years and then we had a 1 year old son when his family pressured him into marrying in Pakistan(so he said) So I wanted him to get it over and done with and marry there before my son was old enough to understand. I thought it was better that he got married early.All that time I spent preparing myself for an even that would turn my life and my marriage upside down as I knew everything would not remain the same.i was basically preparing myself for war,had my armour ready for something that didn’t take place. He was engaged and everything and at the last minute he said he doesn’t want to get married.He swore that he doesn’t and he can never do such to me and his family he like things as they are.I felt so relieved and free but angry with him for putting me through all those feeling for nothing.
    fast forward a year ago he got married behind my back.i have never felt so betrayed.i was ready for him to get married,I wasn’t happy about about but i fully prepared and accepting of the situation then he changed his mind.Now we had a another son ,our first boy has turned 4 ,then he decides to do this to us. I really have hit rock bottom,I struggled to get out of bed ,I couldn’t eat .neglected my salaah. I was a complete mess still are but i am slowly getting better.what made everything even worse was that he married the daughter of a friend here in south africa. A friend who visited us often and said nothing.why did they have to keep me in dark,why was I made a fool???😢😢 did I mean so less to him to disregard and disrespect me in this way.Sisters it has been a long lonely road to recovery…marriage and polygamy is not for the faint hearted

  • Moipone

    December 9, 2017

    Hi Ana

    Thank you I am proud to have reached here too.

    Sister Karima this will pass too the binging, loneliness. I have only one friend that knows that I am in a polygamy marriage we have been friends since college . I lied to her at first but after telling her I felt lighter. I am an introvert so not really good with having a lot of my friends.

    Just let it come to you and you will have your aha moment too, it may seem hard right now but your will get there believe me.

    You should go for the Degree in Education, it will change your life so much and redirect your attention.

    Talk to your husband too , you are in this together. You may sound like a stuck record believe me, I did but it helped a lot. Dont bottle everything inside girl depression is not a good thing sucks the life out of you.

    Hope you feel better soon .

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone,

    I forgot to mention that a number of people have written to me saying that they’ve read my book more than once, and it has helped them tremendously in not only their marriage but their lives in general. Thank you much for sharing with us that you have reread it, as well. I appreciate it immensely! 🙂

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No question is a stupid one. When I first became Muslim, I read in an Islamic book (not Quran) that if we admit to not knowing something, then Allah give us knowledge of it.

    About the 72 virgins that men will have in Paradise, usually suicide bombers are the ones who talk that talk and the ones who blew themselves up will be in for a shock of their lives when they find themselves in the Hellfire.

    A person who commits suicide won’t be in Jannah/Paradise, nope, not after killing and injuring other people. They are of those who create mischief in the land.

    There are a number of ayat (verses) in the Quran in which Allah mention that THE RIGHTEOUS will have the fullfillment of their hearts desire. For men, it includes volumptuous women of equal age and pure vigins.

    I think it’s the uneducated, ignorant men who sit around thinking about that. It includes men who are willing to blow themselves up thinking and trying to get there for the women. There is far more to Paradise/Jannah than that. Small minded, shallow men dwell on that aspect of it. Those are my thoughts about it…

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I’m so happy you wrote in; although you’re sick 🙁 I pray you’re feeling better, dear sister.

    It’s good you are trying to stay busy even though you don’t have the hours in teaching that you’d like. Stay optimistic and whatever you do, don’t despair.

    Karima, I don’t know why you’re keeping everything to yourself, and you don’t speak to anyone close to you about what is happening in your life with your husband. Polygamy is part of our way of life, Islam. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Okay, initially and for a while a woman probably will feel shame about it, but once she becomes knowledgeable about our religion, she gets better and move forward. She gets to a new place. You’re totally stuck right now.

    You can’t expect that it’s just going to happen for you, that one day you’ll wake up a new and happy you without putting in the work. I don’t mean putting in the work in trying to get along with your husband better and like what he’s doing. It goes way deeper than that. You have to believe what Allah tells us in the Quran, ALL of it. Not just what deals with marriage and will make your marriage better. You’ve got to turn to Allah for help to have Him guide you about Islam in it’s entirety. You’ve got to stop making your marriage the focal point in your life. Anyhow, it’s what I think of what’s happening to you based on what you’ve written in your last post and all the previous ones.

    Insha Allah, when your fingers stop aching, write in so we all could continue to chat with you. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone,

    I have the Blu-ray of “Why Did I get Married.” It’s a good movie. It’s funny how we could watch so many movies about people and their problems, yet think we are the exception to the rule and should live happily-ever-after on this planet. SMH… It’s as though we say, for instance, oh, that’s them; my life will never be like that; I’ve got it all under control. But, then it turns out like that, and we don’t know what happened. LOL

    A woman doesn’t need to be religious to accept that men and women are different from each other, and men tend to covet or desire more than one woman. You said men are like children; I tend to agree. I remember when I was younger and heard my mom talking with her girlfriend who said, “Men are just like children; you’ve got to train them” LOL She understood…

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2017

    Moipone, Hi there! 🙂

    It’s so good to hear from you, and it’s especially good to hear that you are well and all is coming along nicely for you and your family. Furthermore, it’s exciting to hear that you intend to pursue a degree in psychology, a field that you have a strong interest in. That is awesome!

    You’ve come a long ways, Moipone. You sound very happy in your writing. You must be proud…

    I think you’re doing the right thing by not giving up on your husband just because he’s done what he is allowed to do (have more than one wife). I think many a woman have thrown their husband away when (she loves him and he loves her) all because he loves another woman as well. God has made men with that capability.

    I know many women who are all alone, because they refuses to SHARE. How sad! As you stated, your husband has always been by your side. You’d be foolish to give up a good husband. You know what you’ve got, but you don’t know what you’d get if you let him go.

  • Karima

    December 8, 2017

    Salam Everyone

    Ana apologies for not writing. I visit the blog every day and get courage to go on no matter what. I don’t comment as I’m usisng the phone and laptop a lot for work and my fingers are aching. At the moment i am sick so I decided to write.

    My children are 3 and 7. So still young for me to go get a full time job. I don’t want that and husband doesn’t want either. I keep doing my group classes in the mornings but it’s only 1 hour work per day , you can’t get serious money by doing that even if you spend a few hours a day on social media promoting and organising the classes. But they are my therapy and give me a purpose. At the moment that’s what I can do ! I am thinking of getting another degree in the future in education and then get a full time when my little one will go to school too.

    I am not happy with my husband I am lonely but I have to accept this and work on myself and my goals. It s not going well as I feel isolated – I don’t have friends coming over often as everyone is busy and only 1 knows about our situation ..: I am the type of person who doesn’t want to fake and because I know I would have to pretend all is perfect I prefer not to meet often with the ones closer to me cause they would ask n then Either I would lie or I would say how sad n lonely I am…
    And would make the situation awkward lol . I mean I can’t do anything about it at the moment, why then talk about it? So I eat and binge to forget my stress and bad feelings..: didn’t. Manage to lose any weight yet and I don’t care !!!

    No I care but can’t do anything about it have no motivation whatsoever:(

  • Karima

    December 8, 2017

    Salam

    Propably a stupid question but is it really written
    In the Quran that men in paradise will get 72 uri – virgins – each plus their wive/wives beautified etc?

  • Moipone

    December 8, 2017

    Hi Ladies

    Time has gone by for quickly true, my daughter passed going to the next grade. I passed the course I was doing with distinction. Which led me to take up a course that I really wanted to do in the first place a Degree in Psychology starting next year so exicted I cannot wait.

    As a person I have grown up a lot over the past year that my life took a turn and I thought it was going to kill me and I survived the whole.

    We women are strong and can take anything and thrive at the end.

    As for my marriage wow I am no longer angry and when thoughts of anger come I read the book from Ana again and again. He has improved a lot my husband because when I dont like something I dont go to bad angry I tell him straight to his face and I have stopped trying to control everything.

    Who has seen Why did I get married? You know when Patricia advices her friends to make a list on both side of the good and bad your man has done and if the good out weighs the bad.
    Dont give up its the trials of marriage or relationship. When I applied that logic to be honest besides the lie that he got married behind my back this man has been by my side through the worst in my life. Where most would run .
    I am not religious not there yet . I have made peace with a lot of things in our relationship. As for my co I dont think about her even obsess if he called her or not.

    I no longer compare myself to her because believe me I have lost enough sleep over it and reach a point of saying no more. He is my husband too end of story.

    Sister Tunis I get your fustration and I will give you my 2 cent from a person who is not religious and I dont intend to offend anyone here.
    Tell your husband what you want from him and expect, because we women tend to think men can read our minds. Men are like children to be honest , you need to say it out loud. Hope everything works out at the end.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2017

    Karima, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’ll probably just need to create a new email address to use for the blog and any place you want to go on the internet annonymously. Just make sure you remember your username and password.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I hear ya! You’re so right. Allah knows our intentions, so what’s the need for someone to put it on blast and say they are doing a certain thing “for the sake of Allah”?
    My thing is:just do it and shut up about it. If anything, talk to Allah about it in prayer…

  • Serena

    December 6, 2017

    Salam

    Ana I can see why it’s confusing when someone says they doing something for the sake of Allah.

    Allah knows our intentions so who are people really deceiving when making that statement. Shouldn’t we do things anyway to gain reward from Allah. I know sometimes in fact many times we loose focus and do things to please others. That’s fine only if we are conscious of Allah and put his Pleasure before pleasing the created.

    I was once told to forgive someone for the sake of Allah. I agreed but I never felt I truly forgave them. I kind of felt pressured because Allah’s name was mentioned.

    Tunis

    Maybe you do accept polygamy maybe you don’t. It may be harder for you because it’s perhaps not the way you thought polygmay should be like or because it’s difficult accepting how your huaband is living it?

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    As you stated, maybe you haven’t truly accepted polygamy yet. The important thing is that you realize it. Only then could you do something about it and work on yourself and your beliefs. It’s a good thing. Although it seems that your concern should be more with what is happening with you and your husband oppose to accepting polygamy. Maybe first make your intent to find out what type of relationship, if any, you will have with your husband. Work on that and put the concept of polygamy on the back burner for the time being.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    Thank you for sharing with us your breakthrough. Your little daughter sounds like a sweetheart.

    I’m a firm believer that having occasional disagreements are all part of growth. I remember reading someplace that a couple who doesn’t have occasional altercation or arguments don’t communicate. No one will agree with another ALL the time. I think when one has a major disagreement or altercation it can cause one to learn a lot about oneself, find out where they need work and move forward in becoming a better person. It’s progression. The problem is when one learns nothing. They keep doing the same thing and thinking the same way. They stay exactly where they are as if stuck.

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    With regard to those who say they do such and such “for the sake of Allah”, it’s like a wife saying she accepts polygamy simply because she hasn’t divorced her husband, yet she hates everything about polygamy and about her husband’s other wife. That is not “acceptance.” It’s the same when a wife hates that she’s in a polygamous marriage, wishes her husband wasn’t married to the other woman, but she tells others that she loves her co-wife “for the sake of Allah”. It’s a straight up lie. She doesn’t love her. If she did, why not just say, I love my co wife or I love so and so? And if it isn’t the truth, she’s accountable for that lie. It’s all so unnecessary to go there with that saying. Keep it to yourself…

  • anabellah

    December 5, 2017

    Sakina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for shedding some light on what you think some people may mean when they say they do something “for the sake of Allah.” I don’t think I’ll ever understand it LOL I think it’s because when we do something good and we’re in remembrance of Allah we’re doing it for the good of our own soul. It benefits us. So if we’re doing it to benefit ourselves while remembering Allah, it’s not “for the sake of Allah.” Furthermore, let’s say the person who says it truly believe they are doing something for the sake of Allah, then why on earth do they have to mention it? To mention it to another indicates it’s about more than Allah. The person seems to want recognition or praise for something. None of it makes any sense to me. I think a lot of times people simple say what others have said and think nothing of what it means. (shrugging my shoulders) Allah knows why He has made people do what they do. Many a Muslim want to be seen and praised by man, the same as non-Muslims do.

  • Tasliyman

    December 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    I dont know much about men in general but I do know that my husband is not going to “figure out” anything where emotions are concerned even if it seems so obvious to me.

    It’s just not in his DNA https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2017

    Sister Tasliyman..your words..”stop trying to get your husband to figure out what you need from him”..WOW…these are some powerful words for me ..thats it ..I saw it….thats it…..!
    These will resonate in my head.

  • Tunis

    December 5, 2017

    Mashallah thanks to all the sisters who have reached out to me with their words of advice and comfort.

    I can see AND hear now , from my own words with him, that I do come across as needy. I thought I WAS telling him what I want or need in a relationship…i’m just not very diplomatic with my words..they convey neediness.?? I never was, for almost all the years of our marriage, until his taking of another wife. Sometimes I have wondered if I am really accepting polygamy or not? this has crossed my mind.

    And I get it, from what all you sisters have shared with me now, I can’t repeat all your names..but wow, all your words were what I needed to hear. I READ, I HEAR, I UNDERSTAND.
    I have been putting myself thru some unhealthy energy..which I should have been directing to Allah. Which is repeated all the time here. Which I do..but I keep slacking..for a better lack of words…into obsessing on the husband. Allah is the one who guides and turns and changes our hearts.
    I see what I must do ladies…inshallah.
    Allah knows what is best for me and what I need.

    I must step back and see how my husband will continue to be…I need to exercise patient and pray to Allah for guidance and help..for He hears our calls.
    And I must trust knowing things will be as Allah has decreed.

    I can’t thank all of you enough for all this help. Its like an Awards ceremony..I would like to thank…..

  • Tasliyman

    December 4, 2017

    Salaamu Alaykum ladies.

    I believe that being able to let go of trying to control our husbands’ actions and accepting that Allah is in charge really helps a lot. I realize that its hard to get into this method of thinking but once you’ve accomplished it you’ll start noticing a difference in the way you react to situations.

    My husband and I had a major argument this weekend, something that happens very seldom lately, but over something we’ve had issues about in the past. After my initial reaction of disappointment and hurt (and thinking about divorce https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif) I managed to pull myself together as I knew that I was not gonna let something so trivial rob me of a really great marriage. I accepted that what happened is a test from Allah to me as well as my husband. I told myself that I should focus on my my own reactions and all I could do for my husband was to make duah that Allah opens his eyes so he can realise how unislamic his behaviour was instead of trying to force him to see and do things the way I wanted him to. It was time to pray shortly after that, I was ready before him and I asked him if I should wait for him. He was still upset because of the argument and sitting on the bed and just said no. I just turned around and went to start with my prayers. While I was busy he got ready and said his prayers on his own. Afterwards I went to the kitchen and started preparing something to eat then he came to stand by me and told me about the conversation he had with our 5 year old. When I left the room she told him it’s time to pray. He then said he has a headache. She said you still have to pray even if you have a headache. He gave her another excuse (which I cant remember now) but then she said if you take one step towards Allah, Allah takes 10 steps towards you…..
    That hit him so hard he got up and ready for praying immediately. Besides that he told me it was as if Allah was talking directly to him through our daughter. He admitted that he was wrong and he can now see what I’ve been warning him about all along. We resolved our issues on the same day.

    This was clear proof to me of what we so often talk about on here on the blog. Put your focus and trust in Allah, don’t try to control your husband and stop expecting them to act in a certain way because you say so. Rather turn to Allah and make duah for them. Surely Allah knows best.

    Tunis, my advice would be to stop trying to get your husband to figure out what you need from him and rather make duah. Talk to Allah about what it is that you want and also ask Allah to guide your husband to get back to treating you the way a husband should treat his wife. Try to find peace in the fact that Allah knows what is best for us even when we dont.

  • Sakina

    December 4, 2017

    Salam Alaykum : )

    I read that also very often ” for the sake of Allah” It means more that he fulfills his obligations in regard to Allah, whether there are feelings or not. If i am angry i say sometimes that :D…meaning i do this not for u only for Allah. Other people take this to show how pious they are..hey i always think first of Allah…And somebody who fear and love Allah, it intends that he will give u ur rights. But its not about the true emotions in our hearts.
    Iam sorry for tunis…so much love in ur heart. Maybe when u realise what ur husband feelings are not love anymore with time ur love will also fly away. But u have to be honest to urself. Think about what u want to do in ur live in the future. Could u imagine there would be a time after that marriage, even that u could marry again? It is not so, that u have nothing, remember that, u have a husband who is friendly and takes care of ur financials? So if i dont were in love with him, but i dont intend to marry again, i would not search a divorce. In sha Allah ask Allah to clear ur feelings or change ur heart that u are not blinded by love.
    A nice Day to u all!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    Don’t blame yourself for what is happening in your marriage. Allah knows best why things are as they are. No One knows absolutely, but Him.

    You’ve done well, as far as I can see. You’ve made your intention to accept polygamy and tried your best to make your marriage work. Remember, there is always a chance Allah will soften your husband’s heart for you and he’ll want to resume your marriage for the better.

    The challenge for you now is to accept Allah’s decision regardless of what it may be. As Serena had said in a previous post, we need to be grateful to Allah in all situations. It’s all a work in progress for each and everyone of us.

    Allah says, if it wasn’t for His Mercy, we’d all be in the Hellfire.

    {{{hugs}}} Tunis, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    MS,

    Your post was a BEAUTIFUL reminder for us all. Allah is the only One whom we can rely on and trust. Tunis’ posts should remind us of it as well. None of us know what Allah has decreed for us or how He will test or punish us.

    We don’t know why Allah does what He does, but we know that he has a purpose and reason for all things. We know He says that He tests us with one another.

    Perhaps, if in fact, Tunis’ husband doesn’t love her any longer the way that he had before, it’s a good thing. Maybe Allah has caused this to happen so that Tunis will grow nearer to Him – hopefully not further away from Him. There is wisdom in all of Allah’s decisions. He knows what is best for us.

  • MS

    December 3, 2017

    @Tunis

    Hearing Ana and Serena suggest that your husband doesn’t love you or care much for your marriage was hard to read. Allah knows best whether it’s true.

    The idea that we can love a person and sacrifice for them, but they couldn’t care less made me feel really down.

    It just reminded me that the only ‘person’ we can rely on to not reject us is Allah. He always sees and appreciates our efforts. The more we love Him the more He loves us. It made me feel better knowing that even if the people don’t love us we can always rely on Allah and His unlimited love.

    Not sure if that’s helpful Tunis, but I just thought it was worth reminding you that even if your husband rejects and leaves you Allah will never turn His back on you whilst you’re one of His beloved slaves. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    Serena raised a very important point. She stated that you may be coming across to your husband as being needy. Generally, men do not like needy women. They like women to need them to do things for them and to help them, for instance. However, they don’t like women who are like all clingy and need to be told how much they are loved and wanted type thing. They don’t like women who they feel are suffocating them or all over them like a cheap suit.

    Thinking about it now, you do come across as that type of person fishing for the words from him that he loves you back and wants you. As Serena stated, it’s okay to let him know you love him, but don’t expect anything back, unless he wants to give it freely to you. Do you really want him to call you just because you want him to or do you want him to call you because he’s feeling it and wants to talk with you – he misses you?

    I’d say, don’t call or text him so that he could feel the love for you in your absence from him, but, sadly, you go a long time without hearing from him and it seems to make no difference to him.

    You mustn’t become angry with your husband for not feeling the love for you the way that you want him to. You won’t become angry if you truly believe that Allah controls the heart, as well as everything else.

    As Serena said, keep turning to Allah. Seek His guidance and help. You need to exercise patience, as well. Things will be as Allah has decreed.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Serena,

    That’s what I’m talking about!!! It drives me crazy drives me crazy when someone says that. What does it mean? I’m with you about what you think about the saying.

    It really freaks me out when a wife says it about a co-wife whom we know the person doesn’t love based on posts they’ve written. Maybe it makes the one who says it feel pious/righteous or something???

    A person either loves someone or doesn’t. They don’t need to ADD that the love is “for the sake of Allah.” A person doesn’t know why Allah places love in his or her heart for someone, IF in fact the love is there. Plus, it sounds that the person who says it thinks they are doing Allah a favor. SMH Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for Him.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Ana

    Some people say to others they love them for the sake of Allah. I honestly still don’t understand how. Love what love? If they love them for the sake of Allah what does that love mean? Would someone just say it to make another feel better because Allahs name is mentioned?

    Also wouldn’t the love you feel be different depending on who you say it to like to a friend or relative? So if you didn’t really like some one you say it so they think you love them but in your heart you don’t really love them? It’s confusing and a term some people use to their advantage.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    I can feel pain in your words but for you the feeling must be worse. You are feeling insecure in your marriage because of how your husband is (or is not) communicating with you.

    You want your husband to tell you he still loves you. That you hold a special place in his heart but he isn’t really doing that. It’s like Ana said he has moved on and you think things are same between you too.

    I too think you know the true answers to your own questions. Don’t worry sister it’s ok to come and post on the blog and get advice/opinions from others. Sometimes just writing everything helps us see things clearly.

    I don’t understand why he says to you to call and stay in touch. Doesn’t he expect that anyway as you are still his wife. Why doesn’t he take the first steps to communicate. Like calling you if you didn’t call him.

    You said yourself you are still struggling with the love thing. You hit the nail on the head. Thats exactly it. You want assurance that he loves you. Maybe through your poetry and text you are coming across to him as being needy. That will give him the extra edge. You know he’ll probably think this woman is desperate for me to love her. He might use that to his advantage.

    Tunis you can continue to show him love but don’t expect any in return and that is hard to accept. You love someone but they don’t feel the same way. All is not lost as Allah controls the hearts so keep doing plenty of dua. Ask Allah to put love and mercy in your husband’s heart for you.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said, “This morning he texted me..”I married you for the sake of Allah and I love you for the sake of Allah there is no love(with a heart here)stronger than that. Inshallah I will call you and send some pictures.”

    Your husband did not come out and directly say to you that he loves you (for instance, you know I love you, baby. You’re the love my life.)

    I can’t get with someone saying that they love another for the sake of Allah. Either a person loves someone or doesn’t. When they say such a thing, it’s as though the person is saying he or she controls his or her heart and the love in it.

    Allah tells us that He controls the heart. Allah puts the love in the persons heart. A person can’t do it. When a person truly loves someone they don’t need to say it’s for the sake of Allah. The person who says that cliché only repeat a common saying. How does the person know that Allah wants him or her to love the other person? The only way to know is if the feeling is TRULY in the heart of the person who says it. To say, I love so and so for the sake of Allah is useless rhetoric.

    For your husband to have said that it’s for the sake of Allah tells you that he does not love you as a husband and wife do. As I said, it sounds more to me that he is not in love with you any longer, but has a fondness for you as you and he have children together and you and he have history together. Whatever he feels in his heart for you, Allah has placed it there whether it’s love or merely a friendship, which is what he may be alluding to with regard to his statement.

    Remember, actions speak louder than words. He’s not banging down your door and trying to get with you. He’s not pledging his undying love for you.

    Tunis, I understand you want to have a marriage with your husband and live as husband and wife. It sounds to me that he has moved on. You need to make your intention to stay married in name only and have him continue to care for you financially or whatever he is doing to contribute to your maintenance or divorce him, get your due (legally) and move on. Don’t take his word for anything. Get legal advice and go through the courts to resolve the divorce in a way that is favorable to you and in your best interest. Don’t take your husband’s word for anything… Be wise!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said you feel that you are not a priority in his life. You may right about it, based on how he’s been communicating with you. Actions tell us a lot about people, more than words. The fact that he’s not talking about coming to see you or you coming to see him etc. is an indication of where you stand in his life.

    You’re probably afraid to ask him directly out of fear that he will reiterate that he wants a divorce. The only reason that you should stay silent about yours feeling and what you want is if you want to remain married to him despite not having a relationship. If you don’t want to be left hanging and want him to tell you out of his mouth where you stand, then you’d have to ask directly and press him to answer. Don’t give him a way to avoid answering. Just be ready for the answer, which I think you already know what the answer is.

    As hurtful and sad as it may be, it sounds to me that he has fallen out of love with you; although he probably still loves you as you are the mother of his children and you have history together.

    He’s there with your daughter. Have you spoken with your daughter about what her dad is saying about your and his marriage?

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Sister Tunis,

    I can’t remember what the email was that you sent him that you spoke of in your last post before taking a brief break from here.

    I know what you’re going through can’t be easy for you, as you indicated that you love him and don’t want a divorce. I kind of get the feeling that you don’t come right out and speak what’s on your mind and ask him what’s going on with you two, as you are afraid of his answer. Even when you did say to him, “you keep me hangin baby but thanks for the lovely dua”..that “I need some lovin too..do I have a man or dont I” ..”it feels like my cup of love is starting to spill”, you followed it up with, “”but that’s ok,..may Allah except ur dua”.. You gave him a way out so that he didn’t have to answer you.

    It sounds to me that you and he are in the friends zone. You both exchange pleasantries, poetry, nice sayings. It’s not at all passionate. It doesn’t sound like two people who are in love with each other. You stated he said for you to call him sometimes. It’s what friends or acquaintances say. It doesn’t sound like husband and wife stuff, such as when are you coming home and how long are you going to stay? I’m coming there to see you etc.

    Furthermore, Tunis, you tell him the opposite of what you mean. Men take what women say for their word at face value. You wished him well and told him to enjoy his new life. Well, apparently, that is what he is doing and may be what he actually think you want him to do. You gave him your blessings with regard to it. Why should he think you mean anything different? You know you didn’t mean it. We all need to start saying what we really feel and mean or say nothing at all.

    Women need to be direct with their husbands about what they want or need. Men don’t think the same as women do, and they are not mind readers.

  • Tunis

    December 3, 2017

    Am I making a big deal out of nothing, yet? But I really don’t want to get into it over the phone..sometimes I wonder why I write..Sh#t like this to him. I want him to come forward I think with something from him..not me always dragging it out of him. I know I should just sit tight and not make waves and hold my thoughts and feelings from manifesting themselves. I know still, I will demand what is entitled to me with my marriage license if he wants a divorce..and he inshallah will give it to me with me or without me in his life. Im just still struggling with the love thang.
    I appreciate this Blog ever so much….

    May Allah send down much goodness we are all in need of.

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I, too, can’t believe that this year is nearly over. It seems it just only began LOL. It’s amazing and scary at the same time. Our lives are going to be over in a twinkling of an eye. We need to ever be working on getting ourselves together (to Insha Allah enter Jannah/Paradise) before it’s too late. I’m trying to stay focused! I appreciate your reminded. I’m taking heed of it, dear sister.

    @All,

    As Serena said, it would be nice to hear from you all even if it’s just a quick salaam. I hope you all are well!

  • anabellah

    December 3, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you. I had been thinking of you. I asked about you recently in a post thinking you may have been reading, but didn’t hear from you. It appears everyone gets busy doing other things or come and write at the same time LOL It seems to happen that way lately.

    Tunis,

    Probably, we would get a better understanding so we could comment effectively, if you give us an update of the status of your marriage in terms of whether you are married to him legally still or you and he have an Islamic marriage only right now? Did you and he disolve the Marriage License/Certificate?

  • Tunis

    December 3, 2017

    Asalamu alaiukm HELLO Everyone

    I need some help at seeing the picture here..from those on the outside…
    For those who know,..but to those who dont.. I cant keep repeating my whole story..so I will just try to continue where I left off in my situation with husband..

    Well he seemed so insistent about reaching me ever since he rec’d that email from me.
    But the Two weeks PRIOR to that, (after that fateful phone call)..I never got a texted or a call from him.

    Then I didn’t hear from him like TWICE in the next 18 days b4 I left for my home in GA. Oct 28th.
    He said call him when I get home..I texted the day I arrived..next 2 days nothing from him. It was when my son skyped his sister at the house where my husband is..that he popped up in view..it was awkward for me.

    I was very much angry and hurting and missing him all at once. I had a hard time even looking him in the face. He says to call him sometimes, b4 we hung up.

    I texted him the next day. The following day I get a pic of a rose..says he is working on the house upstairs.. and to have a nice day.”

    I text him 3 times in 7 days. a causal “how r u” and also regarding some business…NO response..till I send a pic of MYSELF..then he responds..?? He sends a pic of our daughter and grandkids..and a nice quote.
    9 days go by….I send a good morning pic..he response with the like, next day..then again 8 days later with another good morning pic and pic of our daughter. I respond nicely.

    5 days later…Nov. 30th.. I send a video of our tree’s leaves falling and the chimes. then followed it up with like poetry words(crazy, I know) wishing him well and enjoy his new life. ‘Cause it feels like im not even a/or (another) priority in his life. But why am I bothering,,you all may be thinking..?
    I didnt want to get into any conversation with him regarding how im feeling..but he never ever brought anything up since then. I cant seem to just come out and say HEY,,where do I stand in your life ! It seems I speak better through some kind of poetry words I come up with to him ..is that weird or what.?
    Then he sent back next day a pic of dua..’May Allah erase your secret fears, answer ur secret prayers.wipe away ur secret tear.. like this.
    I could not help myself..not sure why..but I TEXTED back the WORDS he used regarding how he felt about me b4, saying….” THAT CUP OF LOVE IS EMPTY”….that’s what I suddenly felt BACK…when I say this pic.
    He saw it, but did not respond…

    Hours later I texted and said “how it sounded so cliche..what does that really mean anyway? and “that he did not CALL me 1 time in the whole month…and I said “you keep me hangin baby but thanks for the lovely dua”..that “I need some lovin too..do I have a man or dont I” ..”it feels like my cup of love is starting to spill”…”but that’s ok,..may Allah except ur dua”..

    This morning he texted me..”I married you for the sake of Allah and I love you for the sake of Allah there is no love(with a heart here)stronger than that. Inshallah I will call you and send some pictures.”

    ?????????????????????????

    I don’t know what to say to this man if he calls me.

  • Serena

    December 3, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Hope all the sisters are well.

    Can’t believe the year is nearly over. Time is flying by. Remember to thank Allah in all situations and even though some maybe going through a tough time like Ana said it shall pass. Don’t dwell in the negative. Think positive and never despair the mercy of Allah.

    Would be nice to hear from the other sisters even if it’s just a quick salam.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    Nura, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so good to hear from you again. I think most of us have been super busy lately. I can’t imagine if I had to work a 9-5 and had kids as well. I think I’d be ready for the looney bin LOL. It’s not quite cold here in NJ where I am. In fact, today was a beautiful, fairly warm, bright and sunny day. I don’t know how many more of them we’ll have this season. Insha Allah, we’ll have a mild, uneventful winter.

    I’m glad you were there to console your friend whose husband just got married again. I could imagine what she’s going through. There is light at the end of the tunnel for her, if she does what you advised her to do – focus all her attention on Allah – and this too, shall pass. She’ll look back, laugh and shake her head at how she reacted and what she went through during the stage of her life. Certainly, going through it is tough and rough, but it could move one forward to the best place ever in her life and will be grateful to Allah for the experience.

    Thank you again for sharing and for your wise words of encouragement and advice! 🙂

  • Nura

    December 1, 2017

    ASC… it has been a while since I logged in lol. It has been busy on my end and it sure is getting cold in Midwest. I was setting in my dinning table sipping my cup of tea when a friend called me in panic mode. Her husband just got married to second wive, they been together over 20 yrs. So I calmed her down and I said focus on yourself and allah make dua. As I was advising her I remembered my situation and how I was panicking inside. It all feels so long ago and I laugh at myself why was I scared, or angry, nervous. I was also feeling betrayed and now alhamdulilah I even forget she exists. For those of my sisters who are going through the same situation hang in their it will pass. You will soon feel dumb for even acting up. Focus on yourself . Focus on allah keep yourself busy.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and howdie to All! Happy blessed Jum’uah 🙂

    ummof4,it certainly has been extremely quiet here lately. I was taking it as a sign that all is good and maybe our usual gang are all talked out for the moment LOL

    All,

    As ummof4 stated, feel free to speak up and share the good news as well as anything else you’re interested in chatting about. If you disagree with anything that has been said or have a different take, don’t be shy or think you’ll be rebuke for saying it. It’s okay to agree to respectfully disagree.

  • ummof4

    December 1, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    It’s extremely quiet here lately. That is hopefully a good sign. But remember, it’s okay to share good news as well as venting or seeking advice. Sharing good news and progress is encouraging for all of us.

    May Allah grant everyone in our sisterhood family a blessed Jum’uah. Remember to make du’ah today and every day. Du’ah works if it is done with sincerity.

    Ana, thanks for the reminder about the snowflakes.

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 December 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for December 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the November 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:November 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 November 2017 Discussions

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