Desires Impact Wives

Desires Impact wivesLet’s talk about how desires impact wives in polygamous marriages. In fact, I think it’s correct to say that desires are the cause of most of the problems in it. It’s important to note that most people think having desires are good. It’s because we all have them. But there are bad desires, as well.

So, some may ask what a bad one is other than the obvious ones. A good example is for one to want to have sex with someone who isn’t his or her spouse. To want what someone else has or to not want someone to have something that is good, is another example. I say that it seems that it is good, as the person may not know until later that what she envied was far from it.

A desire that relates to polygamy is for a wife not to want her husband to have another wife. Furthermore, she may desire that her husband divorce the other one.

On the other hand, there are good desires such as for patience. A desire to read the Quran and to offer the salat (five daily prayers) – to hasten to salat is good. Wanting to give in charity and to help others, those are often good, as well. It is certainly good to want to enter Paradise.

Desires impact wives in polygamous marriages negatively a lot of the times

Most people want to do what comes to mind that will satisfy them. They become angry when they don’t get what they want.The desire may not have much to do with Allah. It may have nothing to do with a wanting to do what Allah instructs of us. Many times what we desire leads us away from Allah.

Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran that those who follow desires have diseased hearts. Many disobey Allah. For instance, they desire to please a spouse and set out to do so with no thought of Allah in mind. They want their husbands to love them more or want their husbands to fulfill their wants or needs. They make life all about their spouses.

Her or his spouse is the main priority. For the spouse has become the other one’s gods whom she or he follows. One should not try to satisfy someone else desire, if it means turning her or his back to Allah.

Desires impact wives in polygamous marriages in that they cause disease in the hearts

Desires impact wives in polygamous marriages more than anything else does. A wife may become ill because of her desires. For instance, she may suffer unbearable pain in knowing that her husband has another wife. It’s because of her desire to have him all to herself. It is selfish and includes greed.

Most want to do things their way. To follow the lust of one’s heart is to do what one wants, and not what Allah says. With it said, how can one do what Allah says if one does not know what He says?

He says to commemorate the stories of the Prophets whom He speaks of in the Quran. The way that Allah prescribes for us to live is in the Quran.

Ask oneself if what one wants or what one is doing is the way of Allah’s Messengers and of the Quran. Additionally, learn to scrutinize what you desire and why you desire it.

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Desires impact people in polygamous marriages

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Desires impact people in polygamous marriages

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  • anabellah

    March 26, 2017


    I don’t know if you’re looking for support, advice, or you’re just writing your thoughts or all three, as you said, but maybe others will chime in on some or all of it.

    What I got from it is that you realize that Allah decreed the time that you spent speaking with your husband. It’s very good that you get it. Alhumdulliah! Allah wrote for you to chat regularly with your husband, during the time that he was away.

    The nice thing about husbands not being in the presence of any of their wives is that their time is just that. It’s their time, not restricted to one wife. The husband doesn’t have to worry about a wife getting upset about the other calling, texting, or emailing while he’s with the other. He can rest and be at peace. It’s all his time while he’s away. So, you were wise to take advantage of it. You’re aware that once he returns, the schedule returns. It’s back to the usual.

    I see it as going with the flow, going along with what Allah wills – whatever it is…

    It sounds to me that you were just writing it out here. You know what it is or will be – back to business as usual when he gets back home.

    When a husband is no longer a priority, I think it’s more like – who cares If you talk to him you do, if you don’t you don’t. Ya know what I’m saying 🙂 It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your husband, it’s just that life has taken on a different meaning…

  • Flower

    March 26, 2017

    Hey y’all

    While on the topic of phone calls. Husband has been away for a few months now and has been phoning me every evening and throughout the day. Usally he falls asleep on the phone to me since he a few hours ahead of me so it’s rather late when he arrives back at his apartment. At first I felt like it wasn’t a good idea to speak every single night because when he gets home in few weeks he’ll have to respect his wife time and wouldn’t be able to call. Maybe I was feeling a bit……..stubborn and thought to myself he was the one to intend and subsequently marry a sister knowning it would reduce contact between us, so why should I all of a sudden change my routine to suit him. I aslo noticed after some contemplation that I was so feeling some spite (shaytan was on the attack, as always) and since stubbornness and spite are not good characteristics and I shouldnt be ungrateful for the extra contact,so I intended to reject those thoughts and feelings and speak with my husband as often as Allah allows. After all, I love him and want to chat with him, so I’d only be cutting my nose of to spite my face. Fast forward to now, I’m slightly apprehensive about his return, Iv gotten quite used to our evening phone calls and maybe got too comfortable. I dont know if im looking for support,advice or both. Or maybe just to write it out. Thanks for reading.

  • Mari2

    March 26, 2017


    Salam. I thank you for sharing. Glad to know that I am not alone in the martyr department. I don’t know why I agree either. I think one reason may be to just head off any complaints before they arise and just save myself the agita. Predict and prevent, therefore any drama is avoided.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2017

    Hey there, Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you for sharing some of what you’ve experienced with how you communicated with your husband when you and he first married. I think practically all wives do some crazy things in the initial stages of being in a polygamous marriage.

    I’m sure some wives probably don’t contact their husbands at all when the husbands are with the other wives. Perhaps some don’t do it when they should. They don’t do it as a way to make the husbands feel guilty for not being there. Some go to the other extreme and contact their husbands for any little thing to agitate the other wives. Eventually, most wives probably wise up and begin to act with more maturity and consideration as time goes on.

  • Tasliyman

    March 25, 2017

    Aslm ladies

    I did the same thing with the no-texting/phone calls-rule. It was a rule I imposed on myself and found very hard to abide by. It was only when my baby was born when I dropped the rule. My husband got upset when he found out about issues that I had with the baby while he was away and I didnt contact him.

    I can laugh now at how silly I was. Nobody said I cant send him a msg or phone him, but I used to feel so sorry for myself and lonely when I believed that I wasn’t allowed to contact him.

    I tend to do the whole martyr thing too. When a choice must be made I will jump the gun and offer to get the short end of the stick so to speak. I’m not really sure why I do it as I still end up feeling like I’ve lost out. But I suspect it has something to do with insecurities. It’s like I think he’ll choose her over me in anycase so I’ll save myself the embarrassment and make the choice for him. As I’m writing this I realise how crazy it is. I never really thought about why I do it.

    I’m so grateful to Allah that things have reached some kind of “normal” and so many of the things that use to be such big problems hardly matter anymore.

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2017


    I really like what your husband said – that those are your rules. It made me smile. He is sooooo right. Wives hurt themselves when they become so rigid thinking they can control everything and make things happen their way. We end up sweating ourselves and our husbands to our own detriment. When we lighten up and let it be, things tend to turn out for the better and it’s a load lifted. It’s something we have to grow into. We live it and we learn it. You learn it quite quickly; I’m totally impressed 🙂

    Mari2, thank you for sharing all of that as well. It’s super important information. It’s something that I’m sure all wives experience in the beginning stages of being in a polygamous marriage.

    Again, I’m so happy for you that all is going so well. Allah is Great! 🙂

  • Mari2

    March 23, 2017

    Thank you. I also want to share some mistakes I made. When I knew 2 was coming,I created a litany of communication rules that I thought would be of benefit to all 3 of us. No texting M during the other wife’s days. No phone calls. Blah blah. Why? Well in the beginning it was my desire to have him ALL TO MYSELF on my days, and prove to him that “see? I can live without you.” So in the beginning I followed MY rules. She didn’t. I would then get upset if she texted him on my days. M finally said, “Mari, the no text rule is yours. Not mine. If you want to text me on her days, you can. I don’t want to be without communication from you for 5 days. I want to hear from you too.” And since I loosened up on that, he and I communicate at least 3 or 4 times a day just to check in and say hello.

    Another rule of mine was “2 gets Eid.” Why? Because apparently I am such a martyr…lol. M informed me that he plans to spend Eid with the both of us, because he wants to. And we came up with a plan where I cover the store for the first part of Eid so he can spend it with family and 2. Then the rest of the day will be me and him. Once again when I proclaimed “2 gets Eid”, M responded with “That’s your rule Mari, not mine.”

    So my desire to resemble some perfect polygamy wife of fairy tale lore came to naught due to the guidance of Allah upon my husband. And I have an inkling that the angels who record my deeds were probably all like: hold the girl down so I can get some tape on her mouth 😉 Allah is good. Allah is wise. And Allah plans better than I.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2017


    Alhumdulliah that you liked the article. I want to thank you much for sharing some of your fears that you had before 2 arrived and how everything is working out so nicely for you now. It’s important for others to hear the good news because it’s awe inspiring. It was especially helpful that you shared with us how you arrived at getting to a good place and tackling Satan and his whispers. Certainly it is good to hear that you and your husband’s marriage has become even better since her arrival. Polygamy has been known to improve the marriage of the first wives when they set out to please Allah and accept His decisions.

    Your post was not “long winded” at all, but was most welcomed and appreciated 🙂

  • Mari2

    March 21, 2017


    Nice article. A fear that I had prior to 2 arriving was that while I was accepting of the marriage in theory,I would have a difficult time dealing with the fact that he was now intimate with another on a regular basis. Shaitan whispered much to me prior to her arrival. And I at times found myself irrationally jealous over the what ifs. So I prayed. And I also began to engage in self speak. When an irrational thought “he will love her more than me” crept into my mind, I would then examine that fear. I would ask myself things like: what brings you to that conclusion? What is your underlying fear(abandonment). Do you believe in the will of Allah? Things like that that got me thinking about Allah and His will, and to remember that there are things out of my control. All I can control is my prayers, my faith and my attitude.

    What I have discovered is that I am far more relaxed than I thought I would be. The intimacy with her doesn’t bother me at all surprisingly, and I have found that my relationship with M has actually been better and closer since she arrived.

    So in conclusion to my long winded post, I have found that releasing one’s desires and acceptance of what the situation is, is actually quite freeing.