Did the Muslim Wife Hurt Her Sister-in-Faith

Did the Muslim wife hurt her sister-in-faithDid the Muslim wife hurt her sister-in-faith by marrying the sister’s husband? All too often the woman blames the other woman for the hurt that she feels when he married the other. She says the other shouldn’t have done it, and no woman should do it. Basically, those women say it to make the other wives feel guilty. They try to shame a woman into not marrying a man who is already married, as well.

As Allah allows polygamy for men, it means some women will marry married men. It’s the only way that polygamy can exist. Therefore, it’s perfectly okay for women to marry men who ask them to. It doesn’t matter if the man is already married or not. There is nothing in Islam that suggests that a woman should not marry a man so that she could spare her Sister-in-faith any ill feelings. She didn’t wrong her sister-in-faith, nor violated any misconceived notion of a right that the other thinks she has.

Did the Muslim wife hurt her sister-in-faith as a result of marrying the sister’s husband?

Why does she feel hurt in the first place? The other woman equally wants a marriage the same as she has. Generally, most women want a good husband. After all, sharing is good. Besides, Allah rewards us for giving and sharing. Therefore, shouldn’t she want her sister-in-faith to have her husband too?

She should want her sister-in-faith to have an intimate companion to share love with and bear children with. She should want her sister-in-faith to have an honorable way of living and not be alone. It’s a beautiful thing to live the way the “Mothers of the Believers” (the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)) lived.

The above is what it means to want for one’s sister-in-faith what she wants for herself. To twist it around and say that a woman shouldn’t want to hurt another one that way is utter non-sense. It is straight up hogwash and bull crap. Women twists the words to suit their own desire. They make things up that amount to falsehood.

Did the Muslim wife hurt her sister-in-faith? There is no need for a woman to ask that question

The woman thinks the other encroached on her rights, but it didn’t happen. Actually, the woman is in pain due to her diseased heart. In the Holy Quran, Allah speaks of the diseased heart, which is an ugly heart. We’ve spoken of a diseased heart many times before here.

Lowly emotions such as: hate, bitterness, jealousy, envy, pride, selfishness, arrogance and more are in most people’s hearts. Those negative emotions invaded the heart and heart becomes dark.

The woman needs to stop looking at others and start looking within herself. After all, the other woman did only what Allah allowed. He not only allowed it, but decreed that it would happen.

Did the Muslim wife hurt her sister-in-faith? She did not. The accuser needs to own her own pain

A woman who married her husband first needs to know that the newcomer doesn’t have to sacrifice for her. She does not have to go without a husband so that the other doesn’t feel pain. No one is responsible for what is in another person’s heart. A first wife doesn’t have any special right to a pain-free marriage, either.

The woman who married the other one’s husband isn’t a wrongdoer. No where in Islam does it state that a man can only become polygamous if his first wife doesn’t feel any pain in her heart. So, where is that philosophy coming from?

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111 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2016

    Dear Verysad,

    It was nice of you to apologize. I apologize to you, if I hurt you, as well.  I know you said this blog is not for you. It’s not for everyone. However, if you should change your mind, you’re welcome here. Perhaps we could be of some help, if it pleases Allah.

  • Verysad

    December 1, 2016

    Dear sisters, I want sincerely apologise for my language to all who felt hurted by my comments. I m leaving this blog now as it is not for me.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Concerned, you posted before under the name Mena, regarding the comment we’re now speaking about.

    Umm of2 did not use the word “boning” in the sense that you did. In Umm of2’s post, she spoke of “boning” as something that husband and wives do and maybe do a lot of it in the honeymoon stage of the marriage. Instead of her saying that VerySad’s husband was having sex with the other for a year and do you think that divorcing her would erased that from his mind and keep him from longing for her, she used the word “boning”. She didn’t use it in a derogatory manner. It was a colloquialism.

    You said, “You could have left her in the tourment of being the woman who he “bones”. The one he had to marry to avoid sin because he wants to “bone” her. Is that something to be jealous of, is that something to cry about. not at all. When he bagan to get board of “boning” her, denied her children etc. Then, her tourment would start. You know the saying “you cant make a hoe a housewife”
    he
    That’s what I’m talking about. It’s that “dig” that you do, that Umm of2 spoke of in a previous post.

    I’m just letting the readers and writers know not to get caught up in the trap of referring or alluding to wives who married second as “hos” and something to “bone”. It’s a negative connotation when used in the context that you used it in, evidenced by you saying, “You know the saying “you cant make a hoe a housewife”

    I’m saying this because again, I want this blog to be about us coming together and not about viewing a wife in a negative light based on her number. Insha Allah, I will call it out when and if I see it that way.

    Furthermore, SMH, are you going to do that all the time? She said this and you didn’t say that to her. She said it too. No body said anything when she said it. REALLY?

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Meaning, I took it that verysad husbands relationship with the ex was about sex, I got the impression from ummof2 comment she thought that also. Certainly not all relationships are like that. my husband did want to have sex with me, and have a family and he thought I am a good muslim. He wanted to live with me and build a marriage. He couldn’t do any of that without marring me. So, yeah he married me to avoid sin. Thats ok. we should all try yo avoid sin

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Sorry, I thought if I used a word that had already been used the describe the relationship it would come across better. 

    Ummof2 said “he was boning the life out of his ex steadily for over a year. you might’ev contained his desire for half second but he wasnt satisfied with just you before so he wont be now or never” 

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    To All,

    With reference to the comment that Mena made about VerySad’s co-wife being a woman only for her husband to “bone”, I wouldn’t put much credence in that. I wouldn’t accept that as being true. From what we know, VerySad’s co was a sister-in-faith. There is no indication whatsoever that she wasn’t and isn’t. She married VerySad’s husband. She was said to have come to VerySad and let her know about the marriage and that she wanted to spend more time with her husband. She apparently knew that her husband was fearful of VerySad. He apparently didn’t want to tell VerySad about his marriage because he knew she wouldn’t accept the other marriage and would influence him to divorce his other wife.

    According to VerySad, the co-wife sat with the Imam, VerySad and her husband when she may have thought they were trying to iron out differences – maybe she thought that they were going to find a way for her to have more time with her husband. I don’t know what she was told to get her there to corner her and confront her about her alleged past.

    To imply that she was only his wife to “bone” – to have sex with- is very misleading, sad and wrong to be said of a woman who there is no reason for us not to believe that she is a sister-in-faith. Whatever her past was, no one knows if she repented and asked Allah to forgive her. We all sin. No one should have to be viewed as a sinner for life just because the person is said to have done something sinful. No one knows if VerySad is telling the truth or not that her husband and the co had an adulterous relationship before their marriage. Even if they did, there were not four witnesses to it that Allah says is needed to accuse someone of that offense. Even if they did it, they may have repented and Allah may have forgiven them for it.

    There were wives and are wives on this blog who said that their husbands won’t allow them to have children or more children. Are those women only married to their husbands for the husbands to bone? It’s a very dangerous and terrible mischaracterization of a sister-in-faith.

    How could Mena make that assumption about VerySad’s co-wife? How do Mena know that the man had to marry VerySad’s co to avoid sin? Maybe Mena’s husband married her to avoid sin. She probably won’t like someone saying that about her. So, why say it okay to make that allegation about a sister-in-faith whom Mena doesn’t even know. It’s not even her own co for her to be able to know that about that woman.

    All we know is what VerySad said about her, which we don’t know is true or not. We only know that VerySad wanted the woman to not be married to her husband and although the spineless excuse for a man divorced the woman, VerySad is still punishing her husband for doing what Allah has allowed. Allah allows men to be polygamous.

  • ummof4

    November 30, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Very Sad, I am very sad for you.  I pray that Allah will help you to work on your behavior so that it becomes more like that of a believer.  When a Muslim is injured by another person, there is an ayat in the Qur’aan that says what should be done.  In Surah Ash-Shuura, Ayat 40, Allah says, ” The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof; but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is with Allah.  Verily , He likes not the thaalimoon(oppressors, polytheists and wrong-doers).”

    To become a true believer (Mu’minah), and not just a Muslimah, takes knowledge, time, and effort.  That’s something we should always work towards.

    I love you all for the sake of Allah.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    It’s okay. I knew it was because of the problem we were having, getting the comments through.

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Sorry Ana, I was trying to get a comment through. ill stick to this name. 

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    Thank you, Concerned, mena and (new) mena 🙂

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Concerned, mena and (new)mena are all the same person. 

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Everyone,

    Please use one user name per person. Thank you!

  • Concerned

    November 30, 2016

    Verysad

    Do you not see anything wrong in your feelings (your heart) There you was crying, depressed and very sad. You tell your husband to divorce the other, he does, then you wipe you tears, kick him out and laugh about the pain they are in. Thats kinda sick. 

    I replayed that senerios in my head over and over when I was struggling. How could my feelings change so quick JUST because he divorced his wife. Its like a child, they are so distraught when you dont give them their own way, they cry and scream and cause a big commotion. Then you give in and let them have their way. Not because they deserved it, not because they was well behaved, not even because you LOVE THEM, but because they are giving you a headache. You say to yourself, this child is so spoilt, he/she needs to learn they dont always get their own way and the more you give them their own way the more difficult it is for them to handle rejection, disappointment and sadness. Its bad for them, you dont give them so that they may learn how to be a better person, how to handle life. You threw a tantrum, you got your own way, and it was bad for you. You acted like a child and was treated like a child. One day throwing a tantrun wont work and you’ll have to grow up and face life as an adult. 

  • (New)Mena

    November 30, 2016

    Neesa

    Your co is going through whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. She wants you to leave (of your own accord), she wants to leave, she wants to be ok, she wants her husband to divorce you for her, and many other feelings. You, me and others know what she WANTS but Allah knows what she NEEDS. And if a person reads the Quran and learns the religion they, too will know what they need. 

    Ana, I wrote some other comments, I dont know if they went into spam. 

  • Mena

    November 30, 2016

    Verysad

    You cant run from heartbreak, you’ll learn that. NO ONE goes through life without some form of sadness. Lets be grateful our ass isnt sat in syria holding our dead/dying children. I told you in my last post to you that you cant go back, you cant have it the way it was. If you had of thought about it you would have seen it. 

    Just as you said (when you blogged ynder different name) how can a woman cozy up and be intimate with a man when his wife is heartbroken, I dont know, iv never done that, but how can you carry on as if nothing happend while his ex wife (your sister in faith) is someplace heartbroken and crying. You said people shouldn’t hurt others. So why are you hurting your husband and his ex wife. It makes you no better. Thats one of the reasons I never left my husband and the only reason I never demanded her (my co) divorce. I cant be comfortable taking from others for my own benefit. 

    You may have indirectly freed her from tourment and increased your own. Why? because she may find a husband, whom she gets to herself and you (if you have a heart) will have to live with yourself after being selfish and hurting your sister in faith. Thats what she (the ex wife) did. You could have left her in the tourment of being the woman who he “bones”. The one he had to marry to avoid sin because he wants to “bone” her. Is that something to be jealous of, is that something to cry about. not at all. When he bagan to get board of “boning” her, denied her children etc. Then, her tourment would start. You know the saying “you cant make a hoe a housewife” 

    Not only did you ruin your chances of reward for sharing, you saddend people, you saddend the one you love, thats what your husband did to you. Your no better. although divorce is permissable, and your husband and his ex wife should accept what was willed and move on, you intention was/is to hurt them. You dont care that she and him are hurt and heartbroken by your actions. Your no better than them. And you gained no reward in what you did. Thats verysad. If you live without remembrance of Allah,and doing GOOD for the reward from Allah then you may aswell be dead (you dont get good deads in the grave, except by the charity you gave, the knowledge you taught or the PIOUS children you left) LIVING polygamy is better than being a dead woman walking. 

    Your husband is not doing so well, (weight loss etc). What would you have thought when he left for her nights (had they stayed married),and he saw you struggling,losing weight,crying, puppy dog eyes etc. Would you have called him heartless, cruel, a nasty, vile excuse for a human being. Well, thats you right now. Your no better. And you wont get no better. 

    “In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the MercifulTime is witness that, surely, mankind suffers loss,except for those of faith,Who do good, and become a model of truthful living,and together practice patience and constancy”

     

  • Mena

    November 30, 2016

    Also verysad

    From experience, when your hurt by another as time goes by the “path” they had thats leads to your heart closes up. They cant come back, if you keep your husband away,your path will close up and he wont let you back. Living polygamy, a husband keeps that path open. Its wonderful to feel a husbands love when he thought he would lose you. 

  • saira

    November 30, 2016

    Very sad 

    name very sad suit you 

    you don’t sound very happy lol

    lol you were crying over here how to cope bal bla and all sudden when you said he divorce his other you change and over come if fear and kicking your husbands ass 

    no wounder he hide that secret affair from you 

    In one religion I don’t want to mention name it says if husband do aduletry then wife is to blame for as well as she might have gave me hard time to go and do that sin 

    you two are very miserable people and I am sure that other women is living far more happy then you two are now.

    hats off to you sister Ana 

    still let these some of creepy people come here and write when they say nasty things about you

    it is Allah how show light in dark for people to see but if they don’t want to see even in light it’s from Allah too

    very sad doesn’t seem Muslim to me 

    she should put tag on her husband to c if he sees any mistress or not to keep track on him ?????

    poor miserable people ?

  • Tasliyman

    November 30, 2016

    VerySad

    My apologies for calling you pathetic.

    In hindsight I realise that you are probably just dealing with the hurt of your ordeal in your own way. I do not agree with your way at all but it’s your decision and you will have to be answerable for your own choices.

    I just hope you realise that the choices you make now (even though you are hurt and acting out because of it) will affect the rest of your relationship with your husband. He will be responsible for the effect of his choices and actions and you will be responsible for the effect of your choices and actions.

  • Umm of2

    November 29, 2016

    Very sad situation really saddens me because it reminds me of the many women who hate polygamy with a passion. They claim to believe in Allah, the last day, the Holy Quran and all His books,  all His Prophets and their practices but hate polygamy. Therefore having the husbands result to committing adultery because he’s scared to lose his wife and kids or marrying but keeping it a secret. Treating his additional wives like mistresses only seeing them in the wee hours of the night so his wife won’t find out, basically ruining his own soul for something his being cannot contain. To be polygamous. Wives must tread carefully they never know if the sins their husbands commit due to their (the wives) unacceptable of something made permissible, will  fall on their shoulders as well.

  • Umm of2

    November 29, 2016

    Very sad and you know you don’t feel too good at all that’s why you’re back here on a polygamous blog instead of living your life in a for now monogamous marriage

  • Tasliyman

    November 29, 2016

    VerySad

    Polygamy is not compulsory. So you are from the people who cannot handle polygamy. That’s fine. Why dont you just leave it at that. 

    Allah has made polygamy permissible so there will be men with more than one wife and wives who share a husband. This will happen because it is decreed by Allah. 

    If you go around bashing polygamy, you are bashing what Allah made permissble. In many instances people dont go about polygamy in an islamic way, moan about that all you want but not about the fact that Allah made polygamy permissible.

     

  • Umm of2

    November 29, 2016

    Very sad. You got what u wanted at least for five minutes. So why torment your husband someone u claim to love so much especially after seeing his rapid weight loss and deep depression. It’s in a mans nature to desire more than one woman. You can’t take that away from him. He was boning the life out of his ex steadily for a year. You think his feelings for her are out of his system just like that. You might’ve contained the desire in him for a half second but he wasn’t satisfied with just u before so he won’t be now or never. You tell a man he can’t have something that just makes him more inclined to having it. Your husband needs to put his foot down. I can’t believe he’s kicked out of his own home. At least he could have stayed in another room. And then you have him being tested up and down like a  guinea pig. You need to hand the gonads back to the man of the house. You are in for a very rude awakening 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Nor can she respect herself. It amounts to two miserable people, living in misery, chained to one another.

    You can’t go backwards. It’s over for you and your husband. You both are just going through motions.

    I tell women here, don’t interfere in what he does. She comes out with her hands clean and free of a guilty conscience. She ends up with peace of mind and heart.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Something just doesn’t seem right when a woman manages to take the manhood from a male. She could never respect him again, nor could he respect himself. I can’t understand how they both could stay together. It’s painful for me just thinking about it.

  • VerySad

    November 29, 2016

    Ana I want him to go through at least partially what I went through those 20 days: FEAR TO LOOSE SOMEBODY U LOVE. We met yesterday, went to lab together submit blood & other material for std check. Poor guy, lost at least 5 kg in couple days & has daily 12 hours shifts at hospital. Let him experience how it feels go through severe depression and manage kids/ job/other errands at same time. If I didn’t finish that drama on time, I would be in depression now while he F****g other lady. He asked yesterday with guilty doggy eyes, if I be able to forgive and start from beginning. I told: let see other surprises first ( mean STDs results) & I need more time to think.?

     

  • Tasliyman

    November 29, 2016

    VerySad,

    You certainly picked the right name because you are acting very sad. Pathetic actually. 

    It seems you are not as happy as you thought you’d be after your husband divorced his other wife or you would be out living your happy life instead of wasting time here.

    Maybe you should contact the lady at the masjid and ask her to help you act in a more islamic way instead of “trying” (because you are not actually succeeding) to harass other people who doesn’t share your view. 

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    I didn’t word that right. It sounded like I said Ummo4 was punishing her husband too. I actually meant that she asked the question.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    VerySad,

    I have to ask you, the same as Ummof4. Why are you trying to punish your husband?

  • VerySad

    November 29, 2016

    Lol Ana believe or not I began to fall in love with u  honestly. I have lots of free time because my husband doing his 3 months term in hotel ? in order to get parole. My little stupid head still can’t get it how ladies like Leila ( if spelling correct) who joined recently decided to proceed with becoming second wife after reading this blog & knowing all drama ahead.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    VerySad,

    What are you doing still snooping around here. According to you, your husband divorced his other wife. Why aren’t you there tending to him instead of being over here on this polygamous blog when you hate polygamy so much?  For someone who hates it so much, something is drawing you over here to us and to the subject matter.  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    That last post from “AntiMistress” came from the commentator who was recently here calling herself “VerySad”.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    AntiMistress,

    This blog is not for you. This is a pro-polygamy blog, so go find yourself another one. Women here are bright and intelligent and know what they are doing. They don’t need someone like you coming here with some scare tactics.

    You’re probably not even Muslim, so you have no clue about our religion. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example. None of his wives had any children by him other than his first wife Khadijah when he was monogamous with her. So, are you saying that his wives didn’t have a strong bond with him?

    Read the blog and learn something. Looks like the “barbaristic mental torturing practice” as you refer to it is here to stay because Polygamy isn’t going any place.

    Go find yourself a husband or go get your husband off that prostitute or mistress or male lover whom he has. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2016

    Neesa,  Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Based on what you’ve said, it sounds to me that she’s just acting as though she doesn’t care anymore. She says she wants to move on and you can have him, but it’s not really in her heart. She may want it to be that way, but it’s not. You know it yourself. You said she says those things but then blow up his phone with calls and text. She probably doesn’t know which way to play it, so she’s just trying everything, including threatening to leave with the kids.

    I’m with you that he needs to call her bluff. Next time she says she’s leaving with the kids, he should say okay, I don’t want you to leave, but if you must, you have to do what you have to do. He shouldn’t try to stop her. Let her go. Like you said, usually a person won’t bite the hand that feeds her.

    It won’t be easy to pick up all the kids and belongings and move that easily. Furthermore, who wants to be put upon by the arrival of her and the kids, if she needs to go stay with someone. If she leaves, he still has time to get her back. If there’s a divorce then there is still the adaat period.

    Insha Allah, it may put a stop to her threatening all the time to leave with the kids. It may scare her straight that she may lose him and she may straighten up and fly right.

    I suggest to you, especially since you’re pregnant, try to stay calm and worry free for your health and well-being and that of your unborn child. Be patient with the situation. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. This could be a test for you. Take the test. Go through it. Stop trying to figure everything out. You can’t fix her or the situation. Allah has a plan. He is the Master Planner. We just don’t know what He has planned. Just go with it.

    I’d tell any woman, unless your husband is abusive to you, causing you harm as in assaulting you, mistreating you, verbally abusing you and stuff like that, keep your husband if he love you and you love him. Don’t give up your husband to another woman just because she wants him all to herself. Fight to keep your husband.

  • AntiMistress

    November 29, 2016

    Neesa, I don’t know which country u reside. Did u hear in US news I think few years  ago Somalian woman ( first wife) was so depressed due to her husband other marriage, she abandoned 2 young kids  toddlers in apartment and they suffocated. She became mentally disturbed. Other case in California, wife killed her husband while mentally upset at night he was sleeping. He was supposed to go Morocco next day to impregnate his new wife. If something like this happens, will u still justified that it is halal. Some percentage of first wives WILL become mental for rest of the life and it WILL affect their kids for rest of the life. Ana will never understand it, her bond with husband is not that strong as there are no children. How u ladies like u manage to have sex with husband, when first wives in agony. Until there are women like u unfortunately we can’t finish this barbaristic mental torturing practice.

  • Neesa

    November 29, 2016

    Salam Anna,

    Subhanallah. It’s like you know exactly what’s on my mind. I have never ever blame her for her emotions or actions she’s making because of the pain she feels. Asking for a divorce never crossed my mind until recently but it didn’t come just because I can’t take it anymore but I see how my husband is under a lot of pressured and he can’t enjoy me or to fulfill his obligations. My co-wife has come to the extend where she is threatening to leave the house with the kids if he ever sees me again. As we all know this is so common when wives use such control to get what they want. I have been more than understanding because young kids are involved. Eventho I encouraged my husband to challenge her by probably let her do what she wants, maybe if she tastes separation that she will know how it feels to be alone. We can not bite the hands who feed us. Me and husband tried numorous times to remind her to turn herself to Allah. Of course it doesn’t work. 

    It confuses me sometimed whenever I talked to her she will sound like she had enough. She’s tired and she wants to move on, start over her life with the kids, repent to Allah and become a better Muslimah. She said I can have it all, that she thinks our husband is not capable of handling 2 wives. I said that it is because you’re controlling, threatning him, you said it is up to him and me to do what we want so why the 27 misscalls, 36 angry and naggy texts, when he is with me and why the grumpy face when he comes home to you. lol. I am pregnant now but she told husband to not help me at all, to treat like the baby never existed and to divorce me right away. So all of these talks contradicted to how she said shes moving on and such. She wants to stay, it is me who needs to leave. 

    I pray for guidances from Allah. I practice patience and kindness because even if this it not meant for me in the end, at least I know I’ve done nothing too horrible during my marriage, I will leave without owning anyone apology and never once I force divorce on her. I know I can ‘claim’ my rights soon. And like you said, I’d wish her great luck to live her life if that ever happen as it will never be the same again. 

    Wallahualam.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Neesa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I’m sure your co is going through what most women who married their husbands first go through. It’s a whole new way of life that most women never dream of. Coming to terms with living it isn’t easy. Only Allah can relieve the pain because He controls the heart. So, it ludicrous for a woman to think that the other woman or even her husband caused that pain. It’s having a wrong belief about our God Allah when a woman blames another woman or her husband for the pain that she feels in her heart and what she goes through.

    There isn’t anything that you can do to help alleviate the pain. Nothing you say or do will help make her feel better. Even if you were to divorce your husband, her marriage to her husband wouldn’t return to the way that it was. We can’t repeat the past. We can’t go back. Things have changed. If you divorce him, she may continually wonder if he’s still with you on the side, in secret or will he go get someone else. She may drive herself crazy trying to keep him pleased, (giving him sex till he tire of it lol, kissing his feet, bathing him -okay, I know I went a little overboard) LOL thinking it would help her keep him to herself. She then becomes his slave, so to speak.

    I know you probably feel for her because you sound to be a compassion person. It’s nice. I wish there was something I could tell you to do that would help her, but I can’t think of anything. Your and her husband needs to tell her to turn all her attention to Allah. She may or may not hear it.

    It’s best you not chase after her because she’ll only run from you and you will end up humiliating yourself. Just try to enjoy your marriage with you husband and put Allah first in all things.

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Saira,

    As Salaamu Alaikum. Dear Sister, don’t waste your time trying to explain anything to Mena. I don’t know what happened with her the last couple of days but she’s off the chart. I don’t know how she thinks that she except polygamy because she clearly does not

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Sister Mena is getting ready to find herself out there looking for another blog to join unless she wants to voluntarily go and do that. She’s talking like someone who is anti polygamy and that is not what this blog is about so she need to rethink her conversation, if she wants to remain here.

  • saira

    November 28, 2016

    Wow 

    sister mena I never knew you will take my post sooo wrong 

    you seems so against not only 2nd wife but about polygamy and I speak up for all not just for my self 

    when I was talking about men in nature like polygamy and they don’t need their wife permission to marry more wife it was not for your husband 

    and I never attack your husband and your constantly in your post been attacking me

    yes I have tried so hard in start to be friend vd my co as deep down I was feeling bad that I came in their marrige even it was not happy marrige 

    but Alhamdulih since invole in this blog and help with sister Ana I gain confidence and get more close to Allah 

    and came to conclusion if we run after creation then creation will run from us and if we go after our creator then creation will run after us 

    I would never consider my self beautiful as I know it’s up to Allah whom he choose to beautify in eyes of my husband 

    i am only doing what Allah made halal for me to do obey my husband and beautyfy my self for him 

    I suffer in my marrige as I just wanted to please every one so no one specially my co will never feel sad about hubby marrying me 

    but I was wrong 

    if Allah made halal and law full for my husband to marry then why on earth I would  work my add off to please who his first wife ?? Why would I do that ?

    yes I said in start things about her all negitive coz I only seen negitive and my mind won’t let me see positive that time as she was having hard time and creating hard time for hubby to spend time vd me but I have stop doing and thinking that 

    if any one reach out for me I am availble but Allah gave me this place in my husband’s life and am his wife and so I don’t care for any one feeling or to think I only came in picture Because my husband had bad marrige life .

    i don’t need to think or belive he love her or not 

    I only need to love Allah and for sake of Allah love my husband 

    I choose to write here and alwsys get beautiful advice and I can see my marrige and relationship is good now because of this blog and all of you ladies 

    my husband is beautiful husband but if I had  wounder full happy marrige where we sing in garden lol like you describe your husband love you I would not sit this time of night read your comment and post 

    sister sadiyah I never said I am favourite one  

    I am no longer in denial 

    no one can give any one gurantee then how on earth I would say that for my husband that he just love me and all 

    my post was only to explain sister mena that man if not all most of them are polygamy by nature and no one can deny about that 

    Alhamdulih my husband is very good chractor man 

    if he had flings in past he confronted with me and co openly he didn’t hide he shared his feelings 

    i shared that in post for sister mena so she might get idea what I am trying to say and explain about men nature when she was in denial about his husband is marrige and do have relation with other wife too where she got it so wrong and attack my husband as well and told me her husband is good man and all 

    of you read my post I only try to explain her about nature of man and she just deny 

    i think it’s stupid to argue and fight about all of this crap where she is in polygamy from 14 years still thinks her husband married other one just I don’t want to say 

    my husband shows so much love for me but why would I forgot he is man and he got two wife’s he seems good and bad in both so I will suffer many years like mena if I keep denying and keep saying he love me only 

    its in Only Allahs hand alone to put love for any person in our heart so I do not feeeel bad I always make dua that Allah make and keep love between me and my husband and then on top of that I do beautify my self a lot when my husband is around me 

    and reason is so he keep living me 

    and some time I bite my tongue if I don’t like what he said to me but u choose to stay quite  so he won’t get bad mood and I ended up making our time spoil 

    it takes great team work to work and make relationship beautiful and healthy 

    we can not cute our deases if we go to doctor and won’t take medicine 

    I go to doctor by praying to Allah and do take medicine by beautifying my self for my husband and locking my tongue 

    but if I have bad manners and bad way of approaching him no matter how beautifil I am I will look horrible in his and Allahs eyes 

    sister mena 

    i feel sorry for you 

    your post seems very negitive something must be upsetting you and I know it’s not this blog what ever it is May Allah give you all pease Ameen 

     

     

  • Sadyah

    November 28, 2016

    JazakAllah sister mena

    Ana, he is not trying to find someone as it’s just three years of our marriage but he says that every wealthy man should consider a widow proposal.i think he feels it will help her and her children to live with dignity plus man can enjoy blessings of polygamy as well.i want to be the woman who won’t take it personal when he will and keep myself calm and happy 

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Sadyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy to hear that you liked the article /post and it was helpful. Is your husband intended to someone already or is he looking?

  • anabellah

    November 28, 2016

    Neesa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome, Sister. I was out and about all day today, so I didn’t get a chance to chat with you. Insha’Allah, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you for writing in and joining us.

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    Sadyah https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifbaarakallahu feeki (may Allah bless you) 

  • Sadyah

    November 28, 2016

    Sister mena and saira,

    There are so many similarities in both of your situations.

    Both of you tried to be friend with your co. but failed.

    Both of you are strong enough who feel that can survive after divorce but accept polygamy.

    Both of you are special for your husband than your co.

    Both of you defend your husband when you feel that he is under attack.

    Both of you don’t feel shy to discuss about co. 

    Both of you refused divorce for your sister in faith

    Sisters when I read about your feelings for yourself and the struggle you are doing,I find you both like a shining star that are far far away from me and I have to do alot to reach there,at your place that’s so high. But when  both of you talk about your co wives negatively, it really feels like your words are very painful that it makes difficult to accept polygamy for us,the outsiders who haven’t experienced it yet .so many questions arise in my mind … will my husband behave like this,will my husband say such things to the other one about me,will my husband indirectly let the other know that she is better than me.

    But one diamond quality is in both of you Masha Allah that’s very rear to see that you both accept your mistakes and don’t take time to apologize and move forward.may Allah give this quality to me as well.this is the only reason that I am writing this to both of you.

  • Sadyah

    November 28, 2016

    Sister mena,

    I wasn’t upset and I was not saying this just to you.there are few more who said that and that’s why I wrote it generally.i don’t even remember who they were but I read it thrice  here so I thought to mention it.not because it upsets me but because we should point out our mistakes that we do unintentionally so we could do astughfaar.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

     

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    Sadyah, Saira and all who was upset by my comment. Im sincerely sorry, I felt my husbands character was being attacked and I jumped to his defence. Again, im sorry I upset you all. 

  • Mena

    November 28, 2016

    Jasmina

    Sorry I got ur story mixed up. Its difficult to keep track. I honestly dont HATE her, when that comes across its because im in a bad mood with her on that day. Once iv calmed down I forgive quite easily. At times Iv regretted agreeing but I quickly have to pull myself back from that, because weather I agreed or not they would have still got married. It happend, so it was always destined to happen. I would have only lost reward (if I got any at all, I wont know till judgement day) by not at least trying to accept something permissible. I can only say I tried. The problem only started when her attitude changed after the marriage. 

  • Sadyah

    November 28, 2016

    One thing that make me so sad when anyone say wrong words for Pakistani men.i know there are some who did wrong with their wife and that’s totally not acceptable but considering all as a nation that they are bad,is it acceptable on Islam? I can feel sadness of mari2 ,Gail and others who suffered alot .may Allah help them here and hereafter but please don’t consider a whole nation like that 

    There so many who are not like that.who do love their wife ,who do love their beautiful American wife and there are so many who try to do justice among their wives

  • Sadyah

    November 28, 2016

    Assalam o alaikum all,

    Sister Ana,

    Very lovely article that has changed my perspective COMPLETELY. JazakAllah for that.I love the way you simply block our thoughts against others and try to keep us concentrate on ourselves.love you so much.

    Sister I live in Pakistan.I was trying to accept polygamy happily that’s why I came here.my husband’s friend is polygamous now so I was so sad for his wife and I said some slight wrong words about him then suddenly I apologized my husband and asked forgiveness from Allah.And then, till now I am trying to accept this happily.one day I feel that I will be ok with it and the other day I start crying madly that how would I deal with it if this will be my future or my daughter’s future.

    I know you all will feel me stupid but I can’t control myself to stop reading all the comments and be sad on some comments or be happy on others.Sad when feel some husbands are not just and happy when they are just 

  • Neesa

    November 28, 2016

    Salam sisters,

    This topis has caught up my attention because I’ve been battling with myself as how ‘guilty’ my co-wife is making me feel. As a second-wife, it is like almost by default that I am hurting her feelings by marrying her husband. I tried to comfort myself by thinking that Allah allows this, that I can’t be that cruel to hurt my sister. I am not ‘stealing’ him away. He is here to stay for both of us. But often I asked for forgiveness, I know I didn’t have to do that. I tried to talk to her to be more acceptance because I am no enemy. Often she will say that it is easy for me to say because I chose this path, she didn’t choose this. 

    But Alhamdulillah, this post has helped me to feel better about myself and my actions.

    Thank you, Anna.

  • Jasmina

    November 28, 2016

    Mena

    To clarify I was the first wifey. ?

    But I defend my co’s position as well only because she was lied to and didnt know she entered into polygamy and I didn’t know that she didn’t know ?. I knew my husband would marry a second just didn’t know when and I wasn’t told he had married her and later found out. Needless to say it was a big mess.

    Anyhow I defended her so much until she conspired against me and caused me much trouble and now ? my marriage is not wonderful.  But not because of her but my husband. But our situation is different to yours, you agreed and we’re a part of the process it sounds, in which case even more reason for you not to hate on the 2nd wife. Then again we women do stupid shit and we agree to things we later regret. Thing is it was meant to happen even if u didn’t agree to it so feel blessed u will get rewarded for that initial kind feeling you had towards the sister.

     

     

  • Marah S

    November 27, 2016

    Awe thanks Ana I really enjoy contributing here, you all have had a positive impact on me https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Tasyliman,

    I agree with you that everyone moves at her own pace.

    All,

    I recognize newcomers who are on the blog and where they are at in certain stages that most of us are familiar with. Many who come here have no experience with it and are learning. Many have negative views, not only about polygamy, but about wives who married first and those who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th. It takes time to learn and grow.

    My problem is when the commentators start attacking others because they don’t like 1st, 2nds, 3rds or 4th and take it out on the commentators here. It’s one thing not to like one’s co, but it’s another to project those feelings onto women who are not their cos. There is no reason to beat up on anyone here on this blog who we don’t know personally and is not a part of our everyday lives off of this blog.

    Of course we aren’t all going to agree and we will express that, which is okay. It means agreeing to respectfully disagree. Sometimes it may seem personal or get personal and we need to take it down a notch.

    I like when we all get along as a blog family here. We learn from one another. I know what women go through in the beginning stages of polygamy and how they progress, which is why I wrote the book.

    Besides being on attack by others out there in cyberspace, another reason I changed the blog to this new version and removed over five years of material was because most of what was written there was pro first wives and disparaging to those who married 2nd, 3rd and 4th. This is a much better, all-inclusive, positive and helpful blog. To know the type of stuff that was spoken of on the older blog, one should read my book.

    I have learned from wives who married 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I have learned to have a great deal of respect and admiration for them. I see that we are all alike. We are all women with the same wants and desires, and we have the same feelings. I see us all as “sister-in-faith” (Gail is our sister although she doesn’t share our faith. She is a special egg).

    This is a beautiful place to be. Sometimes we have set backs, but we get it together and keep moving forward…

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Hi Alison, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sorry to hear things are a bit tough right now. Insha Allah, you will be able to be calm enough to sit down with him and discuss a better arrangement soon. It can’t be easy for you not having any consistency in your life in terms of a schedule. I don’t get why he stays with you in a monogamous marriage and only goes to visit her when he is polygamous.

    If I remember correctly, you said he’d sometimes not see her for weeks or months. I suppose it’s why he thinks he could go visit her (is it daily?) and come home every night to you.

    The parties to polygamous marriages make up their own schedule, but this inconsistent schedule is apparently not working for you and I could understand why. Most people want structure in their lives. Perhaps he likes coming and going that way. Is she living with her family and doesn’t have her own place, which is why he doesn’t live there as husband and wife?

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Sorry, i only just saw the post to end it. in shaa Allah ill be on my best behaviour. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana,

    You all pushed me into saying everything how it is between us. I only stated my own personal feelings about her and then it was question after question and probing. I had to say because you all thought I was anti polygamg and having  issues. No matter what I say, how much of the story I tell you, its not enough. 

    You, yourself have said its wrong to follow desires except the desire to do good. My husband followed a desire to do good and you suggest it was dishonourable. What the actul F@££. I flip flop and you go against things you’ve wrote and believed for years to discredit my situation. But, do you know what, even as rosy as my situation sounds I still had to go though a lot to get where I am now. No, I didnt have problems with self a steam and things like that, I had a problem because I was not handling polygamy well and I thought she was, but just having issues with jealously. She wasn’t having a flipping nervous breakdown. That was the worse feeling because I thought my husband would end up leaving me because I was weak in faith. It didnt matter that much about love and things,I knew he loved me. It was a battle for righteousness and back then I was losing. im suppose this ia another thing to pick on me about. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Marah S,

    I love the way you simplified what I was trying to say in the Post/theme. I like the way you made it much clearer and easier to understand. Thank you. 🙂

    I value everyone’s input here, but I think yours is very important because you’re like an outsider looking in. You are in a monogamous marriage and have never been in a polygamous one. So, you could probably read the posts more objectively with positive input that’s helpful. You’ve got a good handle and understanding on our Islam, as well, which is super important.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Anyhow, let’s move on because we’re getting no where fast with this.

    Mena,

    Try to keep the attacks down on the wives who didn’t marry their husband first in the polygamous marriage, so we could try to maintain an amicable atmosphere here.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    You need to ask yourself why you feel the need to make people on this blog think that your husband went and got a charity case woman to marry – a woman whom he pities, whom he doesn’t love and she knows he doesn’t love her and think think that makes him some type of honorable man. Answer that question to yourself because no one here is buying it.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana

    You dont “just know” you just pulled me up about assuming and now your doing the same thing. I really cant believe that women who say they want to build women up, to try and drag me down like this. Why? Is it because you want me to thank you for the blog, for helping me. Well, Thank you, you have helped. But iv been ok for sometime now. I didnt write here in a time of need, I just wanted to voice my opinion and show my side of polygamy. But for some reason im being accused of all these things. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana,

    If you remember I didnt start a ‘them and us’ attitude untill some of the women started saying certain things. And iv already said, my husband doesn’t tell me shit. Everything iv found out was though investigation. Direct conversation between them. Direct messages. My husband does not appease me. Only to say that if polygamy is going to be the end of us (him and me) then he will end polygamy. Nothing in their messages or conversations suggest that the marriagr was anything but an agreement to protect and provide for her. I beginning to think you all hate that my husband didnt marry another for sex or because of some other desire other than the desire to protect and provide for women as the Quran states. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    I just know that if you’ve truly accepted polygamy, your dialogue would be different. You would be trying to unite all the sister’s here on the blog together regardless of the order that they married in. Your dialogue has continually been divisive. It’s been a 1st wives against 2nd and beyond for you. It’s how the majority of your posts come across. Women who have accepted polygamy or have come to terms with it, no longer sees it as them and us. EVEN, if the wife doesn’t like her co, she doesn’t take it out on the wives on this blog. It’s what lets us know, there is something that doesn’t meet the eye with what you said.

    You don’t even realize that you DON’T truly know what type of relationship your co and your husband has. Based on what we know of you on this blog, I could see why your husband would NEED to tell you all that you need to hear to make you happy and make the other to be a undesirable person in his life. I could see why your co wouldn’t be happy in having to deal with a a co like you, as well. It’s how I see it.

    There is no reason that any wife regardless of what number she married in should feel uncomfortable on this blog by hateful posts. I want this blog to continue to be a blog for ALL wives regardless of the number because we are all equal as wives. The only thing that make us different is righteousness, and it’s not something that we’re determining about a person on this blog. It’s not what this blog is about.

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    This Queen of England is confused https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif.

    Isn’t everyone always saying that your Wali should be involved in negotiations? 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Tasliman 

    Im learnig on this blog that although some feeling that women experience are the same the situations are different. 

    Yes, I do believe that because of yhe text messages I read between them inthe early days. She was VERY upset. She even said, ” I feel like I had to convince you to marry me” Well, thats the truth and he told her so, he said he told her what it was and she agreed. She must have thought he was playing it cool. She said other crazy things like ‘what would you do if you had to chose’ she didn’t like the answer. My husband gives her everything she is entitled to, and is very kind and caring towards her. but she doesn’t like that he doesn’t have a strong love for her. Infact, he has never told me and iv never known him to actully say he loves her. She still wants to be married to him because hes a good muslim and as ana says it rough out there. 

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    My family wanted to make sure that my husband’s first wife was aware that he wanted to marry me and that she gave him permission to do so, even though permission is not necessary.  So they made an appointment and met with her before agreeing to my marriage. 

    I dont see how that can make you lose respect for me but it doesnt matter as I dont need or want your respect. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Tasliman 

    I just thought it was coward, I wasnt upset, I just dont respect cowards

    Ana

    It is my opinion, that polygamy is to bring muslims together, to be a unit. For a woman to not be “woman” enough to meet her future husbands wife it tells me she is not interested in togetherness, she only wants the man, which doesn’t make for a good start. And to send someone as if shes the queen of England is just crazy to me. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Marah s

    Do you know just today I was talking to my husband about my feelings towards certain people. I was saying that some people are not nice etc. He said, what you find not nice about someone they think its nothing and what they find not nice about you, you think its nothing. He was referring to my direct, un edited speech. I told him, I would prefer people to tell me what they find undesirable in me, so that I could change it, because that is why I tell people about themselves so that they might change it. 

    Thank you and everyone else for the comments, I can atleast intend to change the way I approach people and voice my thoughts. Although that might be hard on a blog, because one can be so easliy misunderstood. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    It makes no sense. And it makes no sense that a woman who has been in a polygamous marriage for 14 years is talking the way that she is but on the other hand is saying that she accepts polygamy and has a very good marriage. None of it is adding up

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Why would that be a cowardly thing for Tasliyman to send someone to the potental cowife on her behalf? I don’t think any wife would want a potential co wife to show up on her doorstep. Most wives who married first are devastated and Distraught, therefore they don’t want to see or hear anything from a potential wife for her husband. It was very kind and considerate of Tasliyman to want to reach out to the potential cowife. Do you know how many women who married first don’t want to see, here or talk to the other one unless if it’s too confront the person negatively?

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    Mena, Why would it upset you if I “sent” someone to my co-wife? 

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    I dont mean to pick on you but I just wonder if you honestly believe that a man will marry a woman only because she wants a husband? Do you really believe that he had no desire of his own to marry that particular woman? 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Well, considering EVERYONE one this blog has just gone to town on me I didnt think there was anything light about any of the comments. 

    Tasliman

    I dont know how many time I have to tell you. Iv been in polygamy 14 years. You really you think I have issue with it. Are you serious. I have asked my husband so many times to not divorce her, if I had a problem I would have taken him up on his many offers.  The reason, I snapped at you was because you said you”sent” someone to your co wife before the marriage on your behalf. I though that was coward, and I lost respect for you. Sorry, if iv gone over board on you. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    I was just trying to lighten the mood

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Ooooh, Mena, so now you can’t take a joke?

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    Aslm Ana

    Mena’s posts to me are not nice but its only because I picked up on her issues a long time ago.  It doesn’t phase me anymore.

    I decided to rather ignore it as I dont want to bully someone who is obviously going through a hard time accepting the fact that her husband married someone else. 

    I had my own issues the time I came across this blog so I am definitely not going to judge others who also has issues.  The information I found here has helped me tremendously and I can now honestly say that I am happily married. The fact that I was ready to make a change and let go of the hurt and drama by that time obviously helped.  I’m sure many others have also made positive changes with the advice received here. 

    I think we have to let people do things at their own pace.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ok, Ana so now you want to mock and laugh at me. Im sorry you feel the need to do that. Bullying is a sign of insecurity. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Well, go back and read again Ana. Because I DID say in the original post “without necessity” I didn’t think I had to spell out the word ’emergency’ for people to get it.  furthermore the hole in the leggings is big enough and you’ve never given birth so you wouldn’t know what happends. 

    Its ok, you can all attack me as much as you like. If it makes you feel better. Iv dealt with worse in my time. 

    No, I dont regurgitate. Everything I write on this blog is my true, honest self. And im not perfect, I just enjoy my marriage and love my family. It was NEVER my intention to be negative or horrible to anyone. Im sorry it came across that way. I dunno, sometimes I have time to sit and write in peace, sometimes I have a few children around my ankles so its rushed. Sometimes im in a bad mood. I dont know what it is. Everytime I try to explain im just attacked. But no one seems to notice that. Its fine. 

  • Marah S

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    The way I see it, Its not an ambush your post just got on a lot of people’s nerves. Do you even realize  what you’re saying? You disagree with the article meaning you believe second wives Should be blamed for hurting the first wife’s feelings? Don’t you see anything wrong with that belief? When Saira first started writing and people told her some of the things they saw wrong about what she was saying, she got upset too and she felt like she was being attacked, but she later came back and said thank you and it’s really apparent in the way she writes now that she is trying to actually apply the advice. None of us is perfect and you have your flaws too, we’re not pointing out your flaws to hurt you, but so that you can realize where you’re wrong. Maybe not everything we see about you is true but this is how you come across from the way you write, I hope you can be honest with yourself and really think about what people are saying and make a positive change. If you don’t agree and you think we’re all crazy and what We’re all seeing about you is wrong and you’re the only who’s right then okay.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Have you been hanging out with Donald Trump? LOL

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Oh, Mena, stop the bullcrap. You flip-flop all over the place with your posts. You post some stuff that is really good, but now makes me think you just regurgitated it. You said darn right derogatory things about your co. You’re negative and nasty to Taslyman and Saira, by the way, Jasmina, if I’m not mistaken married 1st or she’s not sure which of them were married 1st. Then you come back and say your marriage is near perfect and you’re a very happy person when most of your posts indicate the opposite. You always come on the defensive of wives who married 1st and are argumentative about it. No one knows what the heck is going on with you.

    The same happened with the giving birth posts. One minute you said women get butt naked intentionally in front of medical professionals and you go in there covered head to toe and don’t want an epidural because you don’t think a doctor should see your butt crack and you wear some panty hose with a hole in the crotch so the baby can be pulled out through it, which would probably be torn to shreds by time they get that baby out of there and then you say you was only talking emergency situation and it’s all flip flop back and forth and sounding crazy…

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana

    Saira was the one who said she dresses up so her husband doesn’t look at other women. sorry to uae you as an example saira, but only 2nd wives are allowed to make mistakes. 

    Marah s 

    I value your opinion. You explained well. but I dont think iv said something bad about my co all that often, maybe 3 times at most. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Plus, iv JUST wrote nice things about my co. 

    Really, iv just been told im ignorant, need to use logic, my husband will have an affair, i dont accept polygamy, I have issues, my husband tells me things to make me secure. and IM the horrible one. Everything that has just been said about me is a lie. 

    Is this some kind of ambush cuz I said i have a nice marriage. Am I not allowed to be happy, can I not have confidence, can I not love my co for the reward or Allah, am I not allowed an opinion about someone else on this blog. 

  • Marah S

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    Yes Saira does talk about her co-wife the exact same way you talk about your co-wife. You recongnize that when Saira does it it’s distasteful but when you do it, it’s okay? I and the other sisters already told Saira that the way she talks about her co-wife is wrong and foolish. She’s toned it down a lot since then, she still does it sometimes but I think she gets the point, where as you haven’t toned it down at all.

  • Marah S

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,You’ve missed the point of  Ana’s post all together. The post is about whether second, third, fourth wives should be blamed for hurting the feelings of the wife who married before them. The obvious and simple answer is no they shouldn’t. I don’t really know what there is to argue within this article it’s basically common sense. The wife who’s feelings are hurt has to work on herself, work on her own feelings, work on her relationship with Allah and find a way to accept polygamy. The other wife is not to blame for the wife’s feelings, she did something halal by getting married where as the one who is hurting is only hurting because she can’t accept something that is halal. 

    You’re using verysad as an example and implying what she did to get her co-wife divorced was equal to a woman marrying as a second wife. How in the world can it even be compared!?! How can a woman who spitefully worked against her co-wife to get her divorced and out on the street be compared to a woman who married as a second wife. Do you honestly believe that there’s something spiteful or malicious about marrying as a second wife, because if you do then that is a terrible thing to believe.

    Yes divorce is halal because some relationships are toxic and separation is necessary, but it’s not something to celebrate, it’s a sad situation, it’s the splitting of a family. A man gettimg married up to four times is the opposite. It’s a good and honorable thing, it’s the joining of a family in a beautiful and halal way. The only reason someone would think a man getting married more than once is a bad thing or equal to divorce is if they have a diseased heart.


    I agree that if a man chooses to divorce one of his wives by his own choice for his own reasons then that is not something for the other wife to get involved with. And one wife is not to blame for her husband divorcing his other wife, for his own personal reasons (meaning she had no interference). But how In the world is that an argument against what is written in Ana’s post??

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Saira came off that way in the beginning when posting about her co, but she has since tone it down. For you to know that Saira wasn’t right in doing it and then come behind her and start doing the same thing – is that right?

    We all should keep ourselves looking nice and be attractive. It doesn’t mean it will prevent a husband from wanting more wives. As UmmoF4 said, men have a tendency to tell their wives what they want to hear and what will make them happy.

    What a woman sees in another woman is not the same thing that a man sees. We don’t know what attracts the men to the women whom they marry. It’s why women shouldn’t compete with one another to outdo the other.

    Allah lets us know in the Quran that it’s okay to be as in a race for righteousness. We should compete to be the best servant of Allah. Why compete for a husband. Allah will determine who the husband loves the most because it is Allah who places the love in the heart. The heart belongs to Allah.

    It’s crazy for a wife to compete with a co-wife. It’s a futile waste of time and energy.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Omg, im sure your reading something different than I type. My husband doesn’t tell me. I have eyes, I can see what she looks like and I know what I look like. No one has said the same to Saira who, in every single post has put her co down and said the most cruel things about her, her home and the way she looks after her children. 

  • ummof4

    November 27, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum amd hello to all.  Mena I agree with Ana concerning your negative comments.  I think you need to stop thinking and posting that because your husband’s other wife is older and not as attractive as you, then you are better than her in your husband’s eyes. It doesn’t matter that he tells you things to make you feel good about yourself and feel secure in your marriage

    Everyone obey Allah andask for His forgiveness daily.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ok, so I haven’t given up yet. I do know my husband and co well. not everything but you can know a lot about a person when you’ve been around them for near 14 years. Thats longer than most of the marriages on this blog. My co is not undesirable, but she is kind of miserable. (Ill get shouted at but im very attractive, I work on myself. My co is very pretty, an excellent cook, a good muslim, and good mother. Yes, I have my issues with her, but like I said before that boils down to 2 women sharing a husband. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Nice, helpful post! Thank you for shedding some light on the situation. I like what you said about the newcomer – how she arrives on the scene, how she presents herself and behaves makes a difference in how all the parties to the marriage gets along.

    It is best that the one wife doesn’t encourage any injustices, as well, like you said. A woman has to fight the feeling of being pleased when she knows that the husband and his other are having problems in their marriage. It’s one of those base emotions of feeling pleased when something unpleasant happens to another. It’s not a nice feeling to have. I’m sure we’ve all felt it at one time or another and it doesn’t feel good.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    No ana thats wrong, because I have wrote nice posts to saira, aisha, jasmina, ummof2. You all accepted me when I spoke about the flaws a first has but not when I speak of 2nds. I wrote a long post on an EXTREMELY pious 2nd wife (hagar) whom I admire. I have NO PROBLEM with 2nd etc. I love and admire all the mothers of the believers. I love my co wife when she isn’t being malicious. And yes, my marriage is wonderful and its wonderful BECAUSE my co came into it. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ok Ana I give up. Everything I say seems to be wrong. I can only do right if I say first wives are a piece of shit with no faith. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    It’s the same thing with Taslyiman. Your posts aren’t nice to her either. Clearly you have a problem with women who marry in the order of 2nd and you need to comes to grips with it because your posts makes it apparent. You can tell yourself and us on this blog that you accept polygamy your marriage is wonderful, but it clearly is not.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    Come on. You don’t know what your husband will do. You don’t know if he will have an affair or not. You think you know so much about your husband and your co-wife, but you don’t. Only Allah knows them inside and out.

    You make your co-wife out to be some miserable, undesirable and then you jump on Saira for doing the same thing. REALLY?

    It is in a man’s nature to want more than one woman. And many non-Muslims, including Muslims have affairs. They have relationships with women with whom they aren’t married.

    I find your post repulsive. You’re just going on the attack with Saira and it’s sickening. You’re really getting on my nerves. I’m sorry. I just don’t have the patience for you today.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Saira,

    You put it nice and simple. A woman’s permission is not needed for her husband to engage in polygamy. It’s the bottom line. Allah says that a man may have more than one wife and up to four. It’s all that needs to be said. He should be just, but that’s nothing new. We all should be just in all things, in all our dealings. The emphasis with regard to justice is about the orphans. We know a man cannot be just with his feelings for his wives. The love isn’t equal.

    Not needing a wife’s permission covers the wife who is distraught and can’t handle it. Polygamy is granted for a man, so she needs to get on board with it when it happens or when her husband approaches her about it. A wife doesn’t get to veto it or say yay or nay. She can get her divorce if she can’t handle it or doesn’t want it. She doesn’t get to tailor it around her and make it about her when it comes to him becoming polygamous. She takes herself through changes. It’s what she needs to address with herself.

    As you stated, most men are polygamous by nature. If they aren’t married, they have many girlfriends. If they’re in a monogamous marriage, many of them sneak around, having one night stands, visiting prostitutes or have mistresses. It all boils down to men desire for more than one woman. Of course, not ALL men are that way. There are exceptions. But the vast majority want more than one.

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana

    Thank you for your reply

    Saira

    Im not agaist polygamy, not at all. I don’t know where to start with your post. I dont need to read a tasfir because I have an honest husband and male relatives whom I have asked many many many questions regarding them (men) and women. Apparently men want ALL the women, but can only have 4 (yes, they said ONLY, as if 4 is not enough) of couse polygamy is better than an affair, ones is a sin and one isn’t. The harmful effects of adultery and fornication outweigh the pain a woman goes through in polygamy. 

    Please, dont say why Allah never made it a condition to get a wifes permission, because I never heard ANYONE (with knowledge) answer this question. Because Allah is NOT questioned about what He does. And we dont always know the wisdom behind rules, and we dont guess what the wisdom is. 

    If you understand a mans desire for other women, then why beautify yourself so he wont look at other women. It HIS job to lower his gaze and not look. 

    You seem to only accept polygamy if 1, you are the favourite and 2, if he marries a 3rd that is less attractive than you. That is NOT acceptance. So, as long as he hates his other wives,your ok. 

    My husband is a good muslim and would not have an affair. He has no reason to. Please dont confuse my husband with yours, mine doesn’t have “flings” he has wives. And it is NOT in mans nature to have affairs. That is a weak faith and they need more taqwa. 

    Most men are not “addicted” and “hunt” another. women are not animals. 

    I understand pakistani men cant keep their hands to themselves and go shit crazy when they see a woman. My husband is not Pakistani and he is a convert and had his share of women while he was ignorant. Right now he is on a path of righteousness and wouldn’t consider disobeying Allah for the sake of sex. He has two women to have sex with. Hes happy with that. Actually, he was happy with just me his second marriage wasn’t for sexual reasons. If it was he would have married someone younger than him and more attractive than me. I told him if he wants a 3rd can I narrow them down and he can pick the one hes more attracted to. He said “its not all about sex, Ill chose the most righteous one”.

     

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Everyone, please don’t miss Saira’s comment below mine. Please always check for missed comments because sometimes I approve mine and didn’t see that someone else had posted already. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you. Just please check for missed comments.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    Let’s begin with your first question: “What is the difference between a man saying to a woman “If you want a husband I will marry you, it will break my wifes heart, she will cry and be extremely sad”. And a man saying to his wife “If you want monogamy I will divorce my other wife, it will break her heart, she will cry and be extremely sad”

    First, a man usually won’t approach a potential wife from a position of pity, (If you want a husband, I will marry you). He has a desire in his heart for polygamy or has come in contact with a woman who he wants to be with and he entertains marrying her because he’s allowed to have more than one wife. Therefore, he won’t tell a potential wife that his wife will be sad, cry and heartbroken. He may not know that she will. Even if he suspects it, he probably think that she will come around to accepting it sooner than later or he may not care because he wants what he wants – the other woman. It makes no sense that he would tell the potential wife that his current wife would be devastated. He’d be foolish to think that telling that to the potential wife would help him to get her to say yes to marrying him.

    A woman, any woman, unless she suggested her husband marry another or was a part of helping to facilitate it, will not want polygamy and will go through serious changes once in it. Again, if a man waits for a wife to be okay with polygamy, polygamy wouldn’t exist.

    It goes back to the question of why she feels pain about something that Allah has allowed. It’s expected that men will want and have more than one woman. It’s not about the husband trying to erase the pain in his wife’s heart or the selfishness etc. because he can’t. Only Allah can do that.

    If a man knows that he will break his wife’s heart, that she will cry, and be sad, there is no reason for him to tell a potential wife that. He should simply just remain monogamous. But, he won’t remain monogamous because Allah decided that he will be polygamous and decided who his wives would be.

    A woman doesn’t have to put another woman before herself because they all can have a husband, live with that man in peace and tranquility BUT it can only happen if their hearts are purified. No one has to be without a husband unless Allah decreed that a woman won’t ever get married.

    It’s goes back to the woman owning her pain. Polygamy wouldn’t be painful for her if she has a pure heart. Only Allah can purify her heart. It may not ever get purified. It’s not on a man to wait for that to happen before he marries more than one woman. Allah didn’t make it prerequisite that a husband can only take another wife if the other is okay with it. It’s not the way it works. Anyone who tries to make it that way is saying they know better than Allah.

    There is no need for any woman to be selfish when it comes to marrying the same man. They all would have a husband. So, where is the “selfishness coming into play. No one is responsible for what is in another person’s heart.

    If a woman thinks that because she is so distraught, a husband will divorce the other wife and then he and she will live a good, wholesome life, I doubt that would happen. First of all, the wife who is so distraught has a “diseased heart” and no good can come from that.

  • saira

    November 27, 2016

    Mena 

    if you accept polygamy then why you seems so against it 

    yes divorse is permissible too like polygamY and no one is saying monogamy is not allowed 

    its is not up to Women to decide if she want to have polygamy or monogamy Ofcourse every women will choose to be monogamy 

    that is why Allah never made condition to have other wife’s permission in order to have another wife.

    i can not understand some women in here so ignorant 

    Try to read tafseer of Quran and try to understand logic or polygamy 

    there are so many benefits for women and for the man 

    every couple have issues but just looking at polygamy marrige being issue is not right way of thinking 

    many couple start falling in love soon then becom polygamy as then they relize each other’s improtants and to how to live happily 

    If you look at whole global you will relize man from any culture have desire for more women in any age 

    I was listing to one talk and one of well known sheikh said he had issues 

    when he use to go out he struggle when he accidentally sees women’s naked legs 

    he got marrige and share that vd his wife 

    some man try to have one wife but there is alwsy urge to have another one and they desire and many have secret affairs 

    not a single man on earth is happy with one women and won’t have crush for other women 

    I love my husband and I beautify my self for my husband so he won’t look out for other crush 

    he was driving and he share his feelings 

    he said if he is driving and see any women driving and playing vd her hair he love that feeling 

    how can I stop that???

    i have beautiful long hair and he love em 

    but I cover out side 

    he is great husband but what if I becom stubborn and greedy he won’t share those thougts vd me and one day he sees any women plying vd her hair and he fall in love vd her ?

    what is women’s fault in that he then hide from me use her and make me happy 

    I am very strong women I start looking at Allah in every phase and I told him I rather see you have halal relationship then haram 

    mot is far more easy for a man to have secret affair then to marry her and do all the responsibility paying bills share nights share every thing

    and so called modern culture which attract many women in this society and many women like you talk about monogamy 

    Where they see Their husband spending quality time with them and take kids out etc and women so satisfied that they happy 

    but women is happy coz she won’t cross in her mind that her husband sees other women and belive or not husband sneaks out in same amout of time he would do in polygamy marrige but she is happy as he hides his flings lol

    so you get to have monogamy marrige life in paper and in reality your husband constantly. Share bodily fluid with new partner all the time 

    in very sad case 

    her husband love her so much that he divorce other one to keep her happy but what is the assurance he won’t go out and have same relation with any women 

    if he kept his affair secret for a year and the other women demand for time and very sad came to know God knows how many more affairs he had in her back

    my husband told me he use to have flings all the time but he did not had courage to marry 

    as he was not sure how to 

    it was Allahs plan we got marrige now he says he is busy in his life and he won’t talk to his previous girl friends and he don’t feel that urge any more 

    I am not saying I done magic but he knows he have me from the diffrent culture he wanted and other wife as well 

    he is physically and mentally satisfied 

    this is the benifits of Islam and to have polygamy marrige that is reason why Muslim population don’t have std problem like westren people do 

    when wife is stubborn she will get lieing husband who love her but behind her back he does what’s man’s nature is 

    sorry I wrote so much 

    but in my opinion every man is polygamy by nature but only brave ones make effort and make it halal 

    it takes real man to do that in this time of world where cowards secretly do it even halal but shame to do justic and when they confront with families and wife they choose to divorce one in order to please people 

    but secretly they addicted and hunt another 

    am sorry if I affended any one specially menA

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    LOL, you’re cute 🙂

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    You’re right not all of your posts are negative, but the ones that are, they are real doozees. No one is positive all the time because nothing in polygamy or life for that matter is positive all the time.

    It’s okay. I apologize for being harsh with you. I had just woken up, grabbed the phone and read your comment, so I hadn’t pulled myself together from sleep so I could begin my day, yet. Anyhow, I will reread your posts and give my thoughts on them. Just be yourself and if it becomes too much, Insha Allah, we’ll let you know.LOL How’s that? 🙂

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana, 

    Yes, you’re right. I dont know if anyone else would want to marry her. Just like I dont know of he would divorce her or me. I base that opinion on the fact that once after a HUGE breakdown my husband began to get his coat and shoes on, I asked where he was going. He said he was going to save his marriage, I asked how is he going to do that by leaving, he said hes going to divorce his other wife. I told him why would you do such a thing, why would you divorce her because I cant handle polygamy, I should be the one to be divorced because its MY problem, shes done nothing wrong. Anyway, I guess I would have known if I let him walk out the door to divorce her, but my heart wouldn’t let me be so selfish. 

    Im sorry if most (not all) of my posts are negative, I honestly dont mean to be. In shaa Allah, ill show more of my positive side.  

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    I don’t think you’re showing anybody the other side. Everybody out there, if there is anyone that is seeing Mena ‘s post from a different side, please speak up, except for very sad Furthermore, you only know that your husband said that he will divorce his other wife if you want him to. You won’t know that unless it happens. It’s the only way you will know it. You seem so sure of yourself and that marriage, and I hope you are not deluding yourself. It’s same as with your cowife . You said no one would want to marry her. How do you know that? You don’t!

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Ana

    I have accepted polygamy that is why im pain free, like many women here. I wrote the post below as an example of actions without love, care, mercy, consideration etc. Im only showing you the other side of the coin. But for some reason no one wants to see that. If I wanted to be out of polyagmy, I would have been, a long time ago. But I dont want to hurt my co wife by giving my husband  an ultimatum and I dont want to hurt my husband by demanding a divorce. I quite happy to watch them try to keep a marriage together. 

    I just like to show people their own opinion from a different angle. please make an effort to understand. 

    Do you knkw that black eye peas song “where is the love” thats how I feel about the world right now. Everyone just seems so selfish and ignorant. 

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Everyone on this blog, whether the woman married in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th are all trying to understand, trying to get it, trying, trying to work through it, but then there is you, you, negative all the time, all the time. You are a real Downer. I see your comment, and it’s like, here we go again. Polygamy apparently isn’t for you. So make your intention to get out of it move forward.

  • anabellah

    November 27, 2016

    Mena,

    You should probably make your intention for a divorce. Polygamy definitely is not working for you, and it seems that you are not interested in having it work. You are not listening to what we’re talking about regarding pain, why it exists, purification of the heart etc. Women are going to have pain in a polygamous marriage because it’s not an acceptable form of marriage in this society and most want monogamy that most of the people have. and for all the reasons that we discussed but you’re not listening; you’re not paying attention; you don’t want to, or you don’t care to understand. We can go round and round in circles on this with you because all you know is that you don’t like polygamy and you’re going to find every excuse every reason to sit here and battle about it day and night without any real intentions or desire to accept it, so just make your intention to get out of it. Because you don’t believe in it, you don’t want it, and you’re not going to accept it, and you just going to sit here and bellyache about it, so get out of it

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    Recently we heard of a woman who stood by and watched her husband divorce her co wife. She was branded selfish and pathetic. People said it was a horrible thing to do. Why? divorce is permissable in Islam, their is nothing to suggest that a man must hold on to his wives at all cost. Allah made divorce permissible, not only permissible but those who have been divorced Allah decreed it to happen. People shouldn’t blame a wife for wanting monogamy, monogamy is permissable. Furthermore, the other wife marriage is nothing to do with her, why should she care if she is divorced, she is not responsible for her feelings. 

    The divorced wife is only hurting because she doesn’t accept divorce as permissible, she has a diseased heart, she doesn’t accept the decree. Untill she does, she will be unhappy and miserable. She should be happy that her sister in faith has a monogamous marriage. 

    The one who ended up with a monogamous marriage has done nothing wrong, she only wanted what Allah made permissible. She shouldn’t be made out to be the bad guy. If people dont accept divorced, then they dont accept what Allah made permissible. And they dont accept what is written. 

  • Mena

    November 27, 2016

    What is the difference between a man saying to a woman “If you want a husband I will marry you, it will break my wifes heart, she will cry and be extremely sad”. And a man saying to his wife “If you want monogamy I will divorce my other wife, it will break her heart, she will cry and be extremely sad” 

    Both divorce and polygamy are permissible. Both women could be told to not be selfish, accept what is permissable etc. Isn’t the only difference an act of kindness and not taking pleasure from someones misery. Putting others before yourself. 

  • Alison

    November 27, 2016

    Hi Anna 

    Timely post but the struggle is real I don’t blame the second wife for this but it’s a constant battle and shaitan waits to give you the so call facts. Been actually on a down low even though still on my monogamous phase he goes visiting and comes late I barely see him ND it is driving me mad and I can’t address it sanely so acting like a mad woman and thereby loosing all logic and not seeing any facts at all 

  • Saira

    November 27, 2016

    Salam sister Ana 

    man rubbing my eyes and can’t w8to read all and post comment 

    will do inshAllah after some sleep hardly I get sleep now a days ?

  • Tasliyman

    November 27, 2016

    Great post Ana. Touching very sensitive but important points here. 

    Here’s often comments about how a woman should not have married a married man if she cared about the first wife’s feelings at all.  The woman who accepts the proposal and marries the man is made out to be a heartless beast who only cares about herself. 

    Firstly, if it has been decreed for you it is going to happen and  not all scenarios stems from adulterous affairs that then leads to a marriage. 

    I dont think you only get all or nothing scenarios. It actually is possible for a second wife to marry the man even though she has feelings of sympathy for the current wife and children. The feelings might not be strong enough to make you walk away all together, but that doesn’t mean that it is not there at all. 

    How she conducts herself before and after the marriage should reflect if she actually do care.   If she comes into everyone’s lives like a whirlwind making all kinds of  demands  left and right and centre is one thing. But if she come into everyone’s lives and tries her best to make the transition as easy as possible by showing compassion, consideration and patience it’s a different story. 

    Allah places tests in your life by using whoever He wants to. When the husband decides to take another wife; the first wife, husband and second wife are faced with tests. Each one will be accountable to Allah for their actions.  I think we get so caught up in our own pain and desires that we loose sight of the the fact that the husband has to treat both wives good for the sake of Allah. If we want our husbands to enter Jannah we will encourage him to treat his other wife well instead of feeling some satisfaction when he doesn’t.