Do Not Become a Secret Wife

Do Not Become a Secret WifeMy advice to any woman who is considering marriage to a Muslim man is do not become a secret wife. She will regret it, and there is no way that she will be happy. It will feel like it’s her worse nightmare.

First, there is no reason whatsoever for a woman to marry, and her husband keeps it a secret from his family. Allah allows men to have four wives at one time. Parties to a marriage should announce it to the public, so the public will know the status of their relationship. It helps to avoid speculation. It leaves no room for gossip or for anyone to suspect that the parties to the relationship are committing fornication or adultery.

If his wife won’t accept him becoming polygamous, do not become a secret wife

Let’s say a married man proposes to you, and says his wife won’t accept if he becomes polygamous. Don’t marry him anyhow and settle for being a secret. If he fears his wife will leave him or keep him from seeing their children, then he should stay monogamous. When he has a marriage arranged by his parents and he knows they won’t approve of him having other wives, then he should stay monogamous, as well.

A man who knows that having more than one wife would cause him and his family problems is selfish when he marries another woman and cause her to become a secret. He, nor the woman who agrees to the arrangement are acting according to the dictates of Islam. Islam does not condone the concept of “secret wives.” It’s an innovation, and it is wrong.

Do not become a secret wife, as it will degrade and demean you and make you feel as though you are trash

Marriage is beautiful. It is honorable. It brings dignity and respect to the spouses and the children.

Being a secret wife is similar to being a “mistress”, which is wrong. A Muslim’s life should not look like that of a non-Muslim. We know that many non-Muslims have wives, as well as have mistresses on the side. It’s what Muslim marriages with secret wives look like. I would not be surprised to hear that a marriage in which the woman is a secret wife was as an illicit relationship before it turned to “marriage.”

Do not become a secret wife thinking that things will get better for you in time

Most likely there was love in the woman’s heart for the man before she agreed to being a secret. Usually a woman becomes secret wife, so she could be with the man whom she is in love with. She’s willing to go that route as she wants him, despite that he has family members who would reject it.

Not long after she marries him, she realizes that she wants more. As a result, she demands more. Then the problems come, that they can’t resolve.

Usually, he can’t give her more. If he could, he would have given it to her from the beginning. So, where does it leave her?

A woman is foolish to begin a marriage as a secret wife, and then thinks she’ll have a good life. It’s because it is not Islam, and it started wrong. No good comes from something that is bad and wrong. Good advice for any woman who thinking about marrying a man who is already married is, do not become a secret wife.

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Do Not Become a Secret

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14 Comments

  • Mari2

    June 21, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani,
    Or perhaps in my situation as a first wife, it’s the plans of MIL and her machinations that allow her (MIL) to arrange a marriage knowing full well her son was already married. I knew that I would have to accept polygamy and I did. For the unfortunate cousin wife number 2, NO ONE TOLD HER, though even her parents were aware. Sooooo….two long years later, 2 is bitter still and angry….AT ME. ??? I didn’t lie to her. I didn’t pretend in her presence and during dowry negotiations that she was the one and only. M did. His mother did. Her parents did. They all did. But not me. But I am the enemy of her now. Some how she thinks I took him away from her???
    One evening of all the evenings during Ramadan he surprised me by coming to me for Iftar. A single evening out of 30. The result was a huge tantrum on her part, locking him from their room, and sending (to quote my BIL) “disturbing phone calls to family in Pakistan”.
    So I backed away even more from his family drama. I even cut off communication with my SIL that I had for years a decent relationship with. My BIL contacted me a few nights ago and cordially asked me to resume contact with his wife and not let her lose friendships because of the drama of 2. I explained to him that I wasn’t backing away from his wife per say, but the Cray Cray in her household. His response: nobody likes her but because of the family situation we have to tolerate her drama. Her behavior is inexcusable.

  • ummof4

    June 20, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Rasila, your post is very honest. May Allah make your situation easy for you and give you relief from a husband who doesn’t fear Allah in the way that he should. Whenever family and culture are more important than following the laws of Islam, there is a problem, no matter how religious or knowledgeable the person appears to be. Take care of yourself and your little baby.

  • LittleSecret

    June 20, 2017

    Sisters,
    I somehow understand the SIL of Mari2. We, Asians are like that, always a brother or sister keeper. ๐Ÿ˜‚ I remember one situation, I am currently working out of the country, and my mother messaged me and she was asking where was my sister because it was late now there and she was still not home. I told my mom why she asked me, they are the one in same country. ๐Ÿ˜‚ And my sister is already married. But the SIL is too much, that even Mari2’s brother is already married, she is still involving herself to something she must not have cared about. They are old now. ๐Ÿ˜‚
    Anyway, its funny.

    Have a good day everyone.

  • Rasila

    June 19, 2017

    Absolutely agree with this post.
    I am a living proof that those marriages don’t last.
    I got married to my husband three years ago. I fell in love with him. His religious knowledge and fear from Allah. He spoke a lot about deen and i thought a man who fears God can never misbehave with you.
    A couple of months later, he proposed to me. As a second wife. He informed his first wife (who obviously did not want) but he still carried on with his plans. The thing is, he mentioned he wouldn’t be able to tell his family yet (parents and siblings) until wa had gotten married since they come from a culture where second marriage is seen as a bad thing (they are from Pakistan).
    He managed to convinced. Se accepted to be temporarily a hidden wife.
    I had the most terrible time ๐Ÿ™
    No acknowledgement, he never took me anywhere cause he feared people would see us unless we travelled), spent all my weekends alone, eid, iftar, holiday etc etc. When I got pregnant our relationship had become very chaotic to the extend that he couldn’t bear my nagging self anymore and i was angry all the time at him for keeping me in the dark.
    A couple of days ago, when our baby had just turned 3 months old, I decided to inform his helder brother…
    i called and explained the whole story.
    My husband called me cursing me that I had caused pain to his mother and because of me the whole family is about to collapse.
    He had divorced me over whatsapp.
    And never sees his child and we don’t talk…
    secret wife??? DONT YOU THINK ABOUT IT

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam ๐Ÿ™‚ Welcome!

    Nice post! Thank you for sharing your view and for enlightening us. I share your sentiments.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 17, 2017

    AOA,
    To keep a secret wife is just shameful. I believe it originates from being fearful of the repercussions and negative reactions from friends and family especially the first wife. It is a defeatist mentality inclined towards finding a safe and easy way out from a situation that is inherently complicated and demands utmost care on part of all involved.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Mari2,

    Yeah, I hear yah. I’ve got two brothers- both younger than me. I don’t know where they are or what they’re doing, nor do I care. It’s none of my business. No news is good news. As long as I don’t get a call from someone saying something bad has happened to them, I’m good. If I were to call them inquiring about their whereabouts and activities, they think I’d need to be checked out (psychologically) as something would be seriously wrong with me LOL.

  • Mari2

    June 15, 2017

    Gail,
    Things between M and I are fine. As long as I keep his family drama at arms length I am fine. I put my foot down with him that basically their problems/drama are owned by them/him. Not my problem. Not my doing. Not my culture. I don’t own those problems. I’m gonna sit in my own bubble over here. his sister texted me in the middle of the night several weeks ago asking where he was and saying he didn’t come home and wasn’t answering his phone. I didn’t see text until the next morning but told his sis that wherever he was wasn’t her business and maybe he went to meet with a friend or another girlfriend possibly. Who knows. I know that I don’t know, nor did I even ask him. Her response “but he’s my brother so I need to know where he is.” Really? Weird. I currently have no clue as to where or what my brother is doing right at this very moment. I could blow up his phone and ask him, but in all likelihood he’d think I’d lost my mind.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2017

    Mari2,

    How is everything going between your husband and you sense your MIL is acting up? Has she calmed down yet? I think your MIL is alot like MIL in the fact she is a BIG MOUTH SALLY!

  • Mari2

    June 14, 2017

    I also agree with Kadijah. I say this time and again to M. Given to man by Allah. So why hide it? Given to man by Allah. So why should either the husband or wife feel shame? Given to the husband by Allah so why would a mother in law think her culture over rules that which Allah made lawful? That is what I say to M when he starts with “my mom said…” Oh? Your mom speaks for Allah? She gets to second guess what HE has chosen?

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Khadijah,

    I’m with you that it’s wrong of the sister who spends all her husband’s money in hope it would stop him from becoming polygamous. She’s only fooling herself in thinking that she has the power to prevent it. If Allah has decreed for him to marry another, she nor anyone else can keep it from happening. It will happen. No one can frustrate Allah’s plan.

    It may be that Allah has not written polygamy for the sister’s husband and all she’ doing is in vain.

    She is ruining her own soul by believing she has control and power and Allah has none or she thinks she has power along with Allah. On top of it, she rejects what Allah has made lawful.

    There is an ayah in Quran in which Allah says, do not make lawful what He has made lawful. It doesn’t mean don’t go out a put a law/statute/edict etc on the books as in make polygamy illegal. The simple act of trying to prevent a husband from becoming polygamous or saying it goes against the laws of the land or telling one’s husband that she would divorce him for no other reason than that he may become polygamous or did, all is a part of it.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Khadijah,

    I can’t understand how any woman would agree to become a “secret wife”, nor do I understand how any man could ask it of a woman.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Khadijah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much for imputing on this thread https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    You said a mouth full in one simple line – polygamy “is something given to man by Allah”.

    It’s crazy that someone would dispute about it or reject it. Where is their fear of Allah? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Khadijah

    June 11, 2017

    you are so right, I have several sisters that became secret wives after me telling them this is not good.Please think things through.. and it turned out not at all good for them. I understand that there are many that can not deal with polygamy but this is something given to a man by ALLAH.
    I see it as if there is a sister out there that can’t have children, divorced, what is so wrong with allowing the husband to take on another wife. I know one sister now she spends more than her husband will ever make, keeps him in debt just so he will never be able to afford another wife. to me this is wrong..I know it is hard to deal with but in the end the reward that is received is what counts.