Evil Acting Co Wives in Polygamous Marriages

evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages

Evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages exist. You may have been one or may know one. It’s quite common to hear of women who have behaved as one. It doesn’t mean the wife will always be one. People can change.

There are wives who say they have few problems in polygamous marriages. Most of the time all is good until the co wife disrupts the others peace. The evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages do something that upsets the other wives. When a co wife does something that upsets the other wife, the other wife has allowed the co wife to control her.

Some evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages act to hurt the others knowingly

Some evil acting co wives know exactly what to do to upset the other wives. They do whatever they can to mess with the others. They want to jerk them around. It’s part of what being evil is all about.

Wives need to get to a place where they can ignore the evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages. I didn’t say to just ignore them. I said they need to get to a place where they can ignore them. It takes time and effort. It doesn’t happen overnight. The wives should ask Allah to let them ignore the other wives. Allah can make it happen.

Wives need to know when evil acting co wives are acting to get them to react. Even if they don’t know, but suspect the co wives are toying with them, they mustn’t fall for it. A wife must learn to ignore ignorance.

When wives say evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages are doing something to hurt or harm them, the wives think the co wives have power

When co wives plot something to harm the other wives or to jerk them around and upset their calm, they will get it back. The wives don’t have to react to what the co wives do. Once the wives stop reacting to what the co wives do, and leave it to Allah, they find calm. Remember that Allah sees and knows all things. When the wives master not reacting, what the evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages do won’t bother them any longer.

When wives say the evil acting co wives are doing something hurtful or harmful to them, they are saying the co wives have control or power over them. The wives need to know and believe that no harm or good can come to us unless Allah wills it. Wives must believe that Allah will protect them. Allah sees all that the evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages do. He sees what we all do. Those who plot evil will get evil back.

The wives dance to the beat of the evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages

Sometimes when wives are on what is known as a roller coaster ride, it’s because the wives dance to the evil acting co wives’ beat. The co wives do something to upset the other wives. The wives fall for it. They react exactly the way the evil acting co wives want them to. All may get calm for the wives for a while. The co wives then do something else to annoy or agitate them. When it happens, the wife mustn’t get upset. She needs to remember Allah, so that she will stay calm. Allah says the evil will hem in the author of it. When the evil acting co wives in polygamous marriages do evil to harm the other wives, the co wives will receive evil.  It’s that simple.

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103 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m really curious to know how you ended up over here on this post/thread LOL

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Gail,

    You said you can’t forgive your in-laws because they won’t forgive. I’d advise you not to base whether you forgive or not on what they do. It has to be a personal matter for you as to whether you forgive. What would you base your forgiveness on? What principle(s)?

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Gail,

    If you really feel so strongly that you don’t want to be around your in-laws and it’s making you ill to be around them, (if it’s God’s will), don’t be around them. It’s not worth agonizing yourself over it. It’s not even a matter of religion because everything about all that has happened in your life with your husband and his and ex-co’s family SCREAMS culture and desires, not Islam, certainly not Judaism either. Your husband simply jumped on polygamy at the time for personal gain. It had nothing to do with belief in Islam.

    I totally believe that stress and diet contribute to illnesses, especially Cancer. Allah, in the Holy Quran, lets us know that a lack of belief in Him and not being obedient to Him causes diseases, not only of the body, but of the heart (soul) as well, hence the diseases of the heart. He says the Quran is a Healer for the Believers. I can only tell you what I have learned and know.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Gail,

    NICE!!! – what you said to Ina. I agree people dig their own graves. It’s sometimes difficult not to act, but it’s way better.

    Gail, are you aware that you’re writing on an older thread/post? I don’t know whether Ina still reads here or not. Anyhow, I liked reading your post. It’s EXCELLENT advice.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2015

    Ana,

    I think I agree with what u r saying about people getting illnesses and diseases.I know in my case I was mentally disgusted and sick with my husband for so long and this feeling I call it a cancerous feeling because it truly is.This feeling I feel when I think about the past it is creates something inside of me and I can feel it and it feels like acid.I am positive when all this mess started my immune system took a nose dive.I have no doubt that I was the unhappiest in my life all the years I had cancer.I was miserable.Part of me still is miserable and as much as I try to shake it I can’t I really try but I just can’t seem to let the past go enough to move forward.Don’t get me wrong I am trying G.D knows I am but is has become so difficult.
    I figured out some of my issues like for example If my inlaws can’t forgive there own relatives then why should I bother to forgive them.
    I truly will never like these people for what they had done although I do feel my husband was at fault but that is not the point.
    I know u say forgive and live and let live but when I see how it has destroyed our lives that cancerous feeling comes bubbling up to the surface.Just the thought of having to be near them makes me want to run screaming for the hills.
    I have tried therapy and nothing works.I just really don’t desire to be around those people.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2015

    Ina,

    One more thing your husband is choosing to ignore her childish nature right now which is fine it is his choice to do so.Obviously id she confessed that she was the boy then her writing about her not wanting u and hubby to divorce was her trying to play both sides of the fence.I don’t get how your husband knowing she lied and confessed to being the boy(he does know she was the boy right?) that she obviously wants u out of the picture.It could not be more obvious since the boy(AKA.. cowife told u to get a divorce.The sirens are sounding loud and clear.Your husband thinks she is good to say she didn’t want u to divorce well how damn noble of her hahahah
    She is a mess that is for certain.

  • Gail

    November 21, 2015

    Ina,

    As much as u would love to expose your cowife don’t do it is my advice.U just be silent people are not idiots they will figure out sooner or later it is better they figure out themselves than u talk about her.They might not believe u or think u are acting out in jealousy your husband will turn on u and your cowife will be the one to come out smelling like a rose understand.Even your husbands family might find it sweet that she is so crazy about her hubby to act all jealous about him.I mean anything could happen so I would advice u just don’t go there.Believe me eventually she will nail herself u won’t have to do it for her.

  • noor

    November 20, 2015
  • anabellah

    May 22, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It’s awesome advice that you gave Ina – all of it!!!

    I know of a couple of of women who were like Ina’s co. They were non-Muslims and seemed to only be happy when messing around with other women’s husbands. They took much pride and joy in jerking the men’s wives around. They seem to have derived pleasure from it. I don’t think those women would be happy having husbands all to themselves in a monogamous marriage. A monogamous marriage would only defeat their purpose in life – to create mischief.

    I know for a fact that one of those mischief makers is all jacked up now, and has been for years. She has the disease “Lupus”. When I ran into her in a Health Food store, I barely recognized her when she approached me. She looked horrific. She was scarey. I said to myself, payback is a biatch. I bet she’s no longer is up in some other woman husband’s face flirting with him. She could scare the living daylight out of someone. I may sound a bit cruel, but

    I’m not saying everyone who has Lupus has done something wrong. I’m not saying it at all. Don’t get me wrong. We all could be afflicted with an illness and it doesn’t mean at all that we have done something wrong or it is a punishment. I don’t believe that whatsoever. I simply know what that woman I mentioned had done for YEARS, since we were teenagers with many women’s husbands and the hurt and pain she caused them. For years, she had done it. I know she intentionally set out to hurt those wives and destroy marriages. She got a joy from it. It was terrible. It seems Ina’s co could have the same personality and disposition.

  • Ruqayyah

    May 22, 2015

    @Ina, I’m not sure she would be completely happy in a monogamous marriage. Too little drama and no one to ‘show up’ she may only be happy because it proves to her she ‘won’, but really it seems like in order to be happy she needs to know she is stealing his attention from someone. I don’t know maybe I’m reading into it too much.
    Don’t stress too much about feeling humiliated, you have won in’sha’Allah you have managed to hide their sins, you have managed to (for the most part) kept your cool and not caused problems. This is not a loser although shaytaan might tell you otherwise. It takes a very strong person to maintain their dignity when someone is hurting you like that, it took a lot for you not to lash out at your husband for staying with her despite the hurt she put you through. Your husband is staying with her because Allah has decreed it so, it does not mean that your husband feels your hurt is unimportant, it doesn’t mean he is not angry at her for doing those things to you. Know that it is all in Allahs plan and hopefully you have ‘won’ by staying patient and trying to cope with what is in front of you.

  • Ina

    May 22, 2015

    While she was pretending to be the boy trying to ruin my marriage, she would write an email to boy saying how she doesn’t want hubby to divorce me because of the kids. Hubby then showed me what she’s written and tell me how good she is. She used to act in front of hubby telling him how this boy is upsetting her with his msgs obsessing about her. What a load of crap!

    She is a good actress…hubby should not forget that.

  • Ina

    May 22, 2015

    @ Ruqayyah,

    You are right. In her confession to hubby, she said she got a buzz from pretending to be the boy and tormenting me. From what I know of her, she is a very jealous and possessive person. When they are together, she doesn’t let hubby out of her sight for a minute. She doesn’t want polygamy. Hubby won’t divorce me willingly. She can’t ask him otherwise it will make her look like the bad person. So she schemed to try ruin our marriage and make me want to divorce him instead. If I instigated the divorce, no-one can blame her or hubby…it would be as if I am the one who can’t handle polygamy.

    Hubby said during the time, the boy was tormenting me, he made dua that this boy is humiliated. So far, only a couple of his friends know the story. How is she humiliated? I feel more humiliated because despite what she’s done, he is still with her. To date, I have not mentioned any of her/their sinful acts to any of hubby’s family, though I am tempted. I want everyone to know what sort of person she was and the things she’s done.

  • Ruqayyah

    May 22, 2015

    @Ana hahahhahahaa it’s nice to know I make sense some times :-)

  • anabellah

    May 22, 2015

    @Ruqayyah

    I think you called that one right. I don’t know about you. You’re teaching me something here. You’re making sense…

  • Ruqayyah

    May 22, 2015

    @Ina, perhaps this is some sort of fetish for your co wife, she likes being the new, young, sexual wife. She likes rubbing it in your face that her husband has sex with her, it makes her feel powerful, in control etc. I’m just speculating but from what I’m hearing it seems that it is more than just co wife rivalry it seems that she feeds off having you squirm, be jealous and uncomfortable. She wants to see how much she can control the situation and you.

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    @Ina,

    About the schedule, I know how frustrating and aggravating it is for a wife when it comes to dealing with the schedule, especially when a wife tries to manipulate it all the time to her benefit. It totally could stress a wife out to the point of causing anxiety and panic attacks upon receiving one. Eventually you three will probably get it together and you will reach a point where it barely bothers you anymore. You’ll probably say, take the days. It’s not worth the time and trouble or you just won’t care. She probably need the days more than you, anyway. Everything gets easier in time. It eventually barely matters. There may come a time when it won’t matter at all.

  • anabellah

    May 19, 2015

    @Ina,

    I like what ummof4 stated about how men get so caught up in the sex they had before the marriage (regardless of what type of sex it was – phone, text, email etc.) that it sets the stage for how the marriage will be. It’s really all about lust. It reminds me of what Ray Charles (played by Jamie Fox) said a couple of times in the movie, “Ray” – He said he was chasing tail. He used to chase tail LOL

    The husband get so caught up in chasing tail that he can’t see straight. He darn there can barely see at all. No good comes from it, as you can see. The husbands will account for the wrong they do, as we all will for what we do.

  • Ina

    May 19, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,

    I don’t know if she is nymphomaniac or not but she was definitely using their sex life as a weapon to hurt me as much as possible. I remember a few times when hubby had a go at her for giving out details of their sex life to the boy. He would lecture her about how it’s haram to talk about it to another person. She probably had to bit her tongue to stop herself from telling him that she hasn’t actually told anyone apart from me but that’s just to make me jealous.

    Aside from some graphic pics, she also sent me quite a few pics of herself in a variety of poses often with not much clothes on. At the time, I couldn’t understand the purpose of showing me these pics of just herself. Now I think its because she to show me how young and sexy she is, how good a package she is, why my husband is lucky to have her, etc.

  • mamahutsana

    May 19, 2015

    assalamu Alaikum dear sisters,sister Ann thanks for your warming,comforting advice all i leave to Allah He knows best.the one problem that seems major here is my hubby’s nephew who is working with him in one shop he cooks lies always overseas about me reason being he fail to accept me as his uncle’s wife because of the colour of my skin.

    Ramahdan is approaching i pray to Allah to keep me strong and stick to my prayers and not to defile and wrong my own soul

  • ummof4

    May 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, it sounds as if your husband’s other wife only thinks about sex. She sounds like a nymphomaniac. My advice is for you to use protection when you and your husband have sex. I’m just saying…..

  • Ina

    May 19, 2015

    @ Ana,

    Sorry for taking so long to reply. We are still negotiating the rest of schedule around their 2 weeks holiday in July and mine in August. Hubby said she wanted to have 2nd day of ramadhan so he sent me the changes she’d suggested. I looked and she’s given herself the 1st and 2nd day of Ramadhan. I was angry at Hubby for not checking it before sending it me. Then he questions my fairness…I just get so angry. I feel like screaming every time we talk about the schedule. I tried to fit the schedule with his work commitments to make his life easier and he thinks I am trying to take advantage of the situation.

    Memories of what she’s done crop up with the schedule like the time she sent me an email (as the boy) saying how she and my husband will have sex on the morning of my anniversary before coming home to me. Or the time when I had fight so hard for him to spend 3 days with us so the kids can spend more time with him after being away for 3.5 weeks for his wedding + honeymoon.

    It’s hard to forget, hard to forgive, hard to move on. I can’t control the well of emotions erupting inside. I can only pray and hope that all these things will get better with time so with that hope, I try to be patient.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    I’m hopeful everyone is having a lovely weekend. It’s a bit quiet here on the home front.

    Ina, Sis, I pray you and your family are well. Did you and your hubs get everything straighten out with the schedule? She is supposed to go to Malaysia with him for 14 days, if I’m not mistaken, right?

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2015

    @Ina,

    It is best you try to move your attention away from your co and your husband. She is Muslim. If she has asked Allah to forgive her and she is regretful for what she has done that is wrong and she has made her intent to refrain from the activity Allah most likely has forgiven her. Allah is an oft-forgiving, Merciful God. He lets us know it through out the entire Quran. (no one is advocating that someone just sin and say oh, the heck with it, Allah will forgive me). We all sin and many a Muslim will ask Allah for His forgiveness. They are full of regret for what they do and they make their intent not to do it again. They may do it again and again and again, but if they persevere and not give up, keep seeking Allah’s help, they one day, hopefully sooner than later will stop whatever it is they do wrong.

    No one is saying you need to befriend her and be all up close and personal with her. Keep your distance from her and shut her out for the time being. What she did yesterday, do not mean it is who she is today and who she will be tomorrow. She is a sister-in-faith. We all sin each and every day. She shouldn’t be condemned for life for something she’s done wrong.

    You concerning yourself about them only aggravates you. You need to fill your time doing something that is fulfilling for you. Women do put way too much emphasis on their husbands and they usually only do it once their husbands become polygamous. Polygamy could be good for a woman who learns lessons from it and progress due to it. A woman loses when she makes her world about her husband and what he does with his other woman/women who are his wives.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Try not to worry about how it looks. It’s important that they caught it in a timely fashion, and you will be okay for you, your husband, your children, your family and friends, and us (your blog family) here. It’s what matters

    I was confused when you first said you had cancer, as I remember you saying the breast scare was not cancerous. I don’t recall you mentioning anything about a tumor behind your ear. Maybe the breast scare prepared you for this in a way, which is why you weren’t so freaked out. I’m glad you are handling it well, Sis. I sure hope with you, Dear Gail, that they got it all. Please think positively. I know you have to be exhausted. Who wouldn’t be? Try not to think about it and just enjoy your family and keep your mind occupied on other things. Don’t go way into tomorrow.

    I’m so happy to hear all is good with the breast checkup. I actually go for my annual gynecological exam next week. I still don’t get mammograms. I very rarely go for any tests any doctor recommend. I went today for a dental implant and he put me on an antibiotic to prevent any infection from it, which is a bummer because I had planned tomorrow to begin making up (due to menses) fast days from last Ramadan. I have to get those days in before next Ramadan, which is right around the corner, mid June.

    Dear Gail, I’m here and we’re here to talk about whatever you feel like talking about. Take good care of you. Make sure you keep eating good nutritious foods, veggies, drink water and keep getting exercise. {{{hugs}}} You’re going to be okay with the permission of God.

  • Gail

    May 8, 2015

    Everyone,
    I had my surgery to remove the Basal cell Carcinoma from behind my right ear a couple of days ago.I have a huge scar behind my ear now.I can’t believe how much they take for just a small tumor.I feel like the bride of Frankenstein right now with all these stitches in my head.I will know next week if they got all the cancer or not.I sure hope they did I can’t imagine having to go through having them reopen this wound and take more from me.Mentally I am exhausted.
    I do find it so strange though that I have had this cancer crises over my head the last 1 year.U know something really strange.I cried like crazy when I thought i had breast cancer and totally freaked out last oct. BUT when I actually was told I had Cancer for real I did not cry or freak out or anything.I just accepted it.I thought I would share that with u ladies.
    I just went like 2 weeks ago for my 6 month breast checkup and I got an all clear from the doc to start going back to yearly breast exams.So that was really good news I felt.

  • Gail

    May 8, 2015

    Ina,
    I was just trying to say to u just leave that crazy girl alone and your husband when it comes to her and his marriage.She is obviously not normal and why u let her drive u crazy is more your own fault than anyone else understand.Knowone can come near u or disturb u unless u let them Soooo why u letting them disturb your life understand?I feel u r way to wrapped up in your husband and your crazy cowife just let it go so u can have peace.
    Ina do something for u or your kids.It can be anything but try to make a life that is not totally around your husband.I would say when he is gone with cowife u take that time to expand on your own life and make it better.
    I am not even living polygamy anymore but after being diagnosed with Cancer I fully intend to change my life and do things I like to do and not worry about what my husband thinks 24/7.I think as wives alot of times we flat forget that we r an individual as well and we get wrapped up in others lives that we forget to live our own life.
    Everything u say is right your cowife is a crazyy loony bird I agree with u but that crazy is sooo not your problem unless u make her your problem understand.
    If she writes the schedule one week then u r to write the schedule the next week understand.U never give your power to another let your morals be your guide.
    Listen one more thing u really can’t expect her to be like u and be fair and just because everyone is different.You are obviously way ahead of her so please do not lower yourself down to her level.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2015

    Allah tells us to put our trust in Him, if we are going to trust. The mistake people make is thinking we’re suppose to trust a spouse or anyone else. Yes, we should be trustworthy ourselves. It’s a worthy trait to have. Allah tells us however to put all our trust only in Him. If we don’t do it and get burned, Oh well. We we’re told.

  • Ruqayyah

    May 8, 2015

    @Ina I get where you’re coming from from the outside looking in it looks like things are so easy for them. But there are things you dont see. There is the trust thats forever been damaged, there’s the worry she’s got that she was caught out, perhaps as she matures she maay even feel guilt etc it may eat into the closeness they had.
    Ontop of that you dont know what’s waiting for her in the hereafter. No one knows if she will be forgiven or not but Allah is most just and if you remain patient and strive you will be rewarded inshaAllah

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2015

    @Ina,

    I know you can’t get with him remaining with the co when she’s done so much to disrupt your life. On the other hand, you know how marriage works. The sexual bond is strong. Marital couples could get busy getting intimate and forget all their major problems. Things are back to being lovey dovey again. It’s what your husband seems to have done. It’s what men do. You don’t have that bond with her, so of course you’re not as forgiving and forgetful as he is of her.

    I think he’s right though; she will think twice before trying to pull any more shenanigans like those that she was pulling off before. I think he’s right that it should make your life a lot easier. I suppose it did take him finding out about her mischievous acts for him to get the upper hand over her. So, some good seems to have come from it.

    Well, I guess you have to see where you goes from here…

  • Ina

    May 7, 2015

    I should know better than anyone that ultimatums are a very bad idea. When hubby wanted to remarry >4 yrs ago, I refused to accept the woman he’d chosen. Now look at what I’ve ended up with! My head tells me not to say anything and I make dua that Allah guides me to what is best for me and to make it easy for me.

    It’s just very bitter pill to swallow that hubby wants to remain with someone who has done unthinkable things to try break us up. I know we all have to get on with our lives but it just seems so easy for them to go back to the way things were. It’s like nothing had happened. Whereas for me, the pain and memories of her words and pictures are still on my mind.

    In some ways, the revelation about co-wife has made life easier for hubby. He can now make his own demands on how he manages his time and she has less power (for now) to make a big fuss. Its reduced his burden in that he doesn’t have to call her as much as before. He no longer feels he has to obey her every demand and he feels this should make my life easier too. We shall see.

  • Ruqayyah

    May 7, 2015

    @Ina this is my personal reason why i wont give ultimatums. The last girl was a nightmare. I actually said me or her… then i changed it to I’ll stay but he has to keep it 100% separate not even say her name to me because i know she comes with drama and i refuse to sign up for her crap. Anyways he kept her even though she was hurting me, kept making excuses and saying it has nothing to do with me so he willgo ahead. Anyways he saw messages she sent to a 3rd party saying how we were forcing her to marry him calling her desperate etc and he called it off. Flash forward 3 months and he is saying he only called it off for me because i was reacting badly -.- not my fault he regrets it that was on him 100%

  • Farah

    May 6, 2015

    @Ina

    I agree with Ana I also don’t think that an ultimatum would help. Even if he chooses you how can you be sure that in one or two years he isn’t marrying the next “crazy” girl?

    I think in the end the problem is not the co wive it’s your husband.

    He should have stepped in at once when you received those pictures and at least confront her about it to ensure it’s not her.
    He should be able to shield you and your kids from such negative consequences of his second marriage.
    If he wants to live polygamy he should at least be able to deal with interpersonal problems but from what you write he seems like someone who’s hesitant as someone who hopes that problems resolve themselves before taking any action. In my opinion this will always cause issues…

    You have to look into your heart and ask yourself is he still loving you? Does he still really care about you? Because if he really does why doesn’t he put greater effort into protecting you? In the end you have to look into your heart and make a decision for what’s best for you and your kids. But the decision should be yours and yours alone…

  • Laila

    May 5, 2015

    Life is such Ana, one moment we as wives think we are having the upper hand. We have the kids and so the sense of control is there. My hubbs gave me a talaq over being pushed. That was a huge eye opener for me. I think it jolted me out of my comfort zone. Nowdays he is gravitating more to me. Her kids are all grown up. Today while sitting on my sofa and having coffee the thought just came to mind. Like for how many years I was never the important wife, I was thought to be independent and not needing him. Even at a party at my friend’s home, we ladies were having dessert and he kept texting. Till one of my friend’s grabbed my mobile phone and said to me, enough! Let him wait and we just catch up and enjoy. He was at my co’s home. I’ve told him many times to not text when he is there. It still did not dawn on me. Till one of my friend’s who know us really well commented, she said it is amazing. There was a time he was never there and always placed my co and her kids as priority. Now he is just following me like a lost puppy. I think when you give your attention to the Almighty, and just give yourself to His commands, and just focus on your character building, career, and other things, over time, people realize that their spouse can have a life apart from them. Then, they get scared. I think my experiences has humbled me Ana. Allah s.w.t. is fair. If we are patient, time will show that certain things will change. You may not even realize it. Outsiders watching will take note.

  • Laila

    May 5, 2015

    Ana, stress is a silent killer. I have stated it here various times. You don’t even realize how stress would have affected us till we view ourselves really hard in the mirror. The weight gets piled on. The frame of mind is disturbed. The negativity is high. Nowdays I really put emphasis on myself and my well being. I eat well, I follow my beauty regiments in a disciplined manner. And I’ve lost weight. Amazing right? When I’ve shifted my focus away from hubbs suddenly I’ve more time for myself, and nowdays even hubbs is saying I am becoming more beautiful and radiant. He is the one now going for my attention. I will not elaborate but good to know that he is now working for my time and attention. I think when you start to realize that certain things are best left the way they are and you just want to focus on your journey in life spiritually, mentally and physically many things just work out on it’s own. It does not mean I do not face issues, but life is good. I now realize and have learnt, when it comes to my co, I leave that part to him. I just don’t want to even care. In the sense, he is the head of both sides, let him deal with it. I just want to pursue what is necessary for myself.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You spoke on something no one usually mentions. Wives need not stress out about their husbands being polygamous or becoming polygamous or they’ll end up looking like old hags way before their time. Stress ages people. It takes a serious toll on people. We all have stress in our lives, sometimes more than at other times. Stress is a killer as well. It’s not worth it. Wives need to take extra good care of themselves. Get rest, good nutrition, exercise, take supplements. We have to take good care of ourselves. It’s vitally important for our health. We have to look and feel good for ourselves and for our spouses. Excellent point, Laila!

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It was an absolutely beautiful post that you wrote!!! Awesome! :-) Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    When it comes to recommending divorce, the person who recommends or encourages it thinks logically or rationally about what’s happening in the couple’s lives. They don’t realize the person they tell to divorce another has love in his or her heart for the another. Allah placed that love in the person’s heart. The feeling(s) are real. They are strong. It’s not easy to walk away from one’s feelings. The person making the suggestion doesn’t have the feeling in his or her heart. It’s easy to tell another to do something when they have no feeling.

    Ina may not understand why her husband stays with someone who has done the things the co has done. It’s love. Wives don’t want to believe a husband loves his wives whether the wives married 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. It something many don’t want to believe. When one sees the husband won’t walk away from another the reality hits that he loves the other woman. Women need to realize that when they speak to another about divorce, they are speaking about breaking a seriously strong bond. When it’s time for a man or woman to leave a marriage, the man or woman won’t need anyone to tell him or her. They will know it. It will be in Allah’s time. He decides.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I am definitely with you that Ina shouldn’t encourage her husband one way or the other about giving her co a divorce. Just as Ina wouldn’t appreciate anyone telling her husband to divorce her, she should give the co the same consideration. When it comes to a husband and wife’s marriage, I think people should proceed cautiously when it comes to recommending a divorce. If a husband grants his wife a divorce and she then begins to think she should have stayed married, she’ll only blame the person who encouraged her to leave him. In the case of Ina’s co, the husband would only blame Ina for the divorce if he begins to have regrets. I’d stay out of it. People need to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. What woman wants another woman meddling in her business, telling her husband to divorce her. It’s not cool.

    @Laila,

    I’m with you, as well, about giving ultimatums. It really is only calling another person’s bluff. The one giving the ultimatum usually isn’t ready to follow through with the threat and carry it out. Many times,the person only ends up looking like a fool. It’s very chancy. In a polygamous marriage, the wife cuts off her nose to spite her face. She just gave her co her husband and made the co’s life with him monogamous. The wife is now alone out there having to start over from scratch or live the rest of her life without a husband. She’s the loser.

  • Laila

    May 4, 2015

    Dear Ina. We as women always want to give ultimatums to our husbands. I guess in your case, you have reached your max with your co. I think she would have realized that at some point, she needs to clean up her act. Her drama 101 and her hitting has sort of reached everyone’s boiling point. You may feel that all this is just a facade. But if I were you I will watch her for about six months. Are you ready if your husband decides to choose her instead? What will you do then? So, giving an ultimatum may seem like a good idea because of the problems you are facing now. But in the long run, the answer given may not exactly be what you are looking for. Just relax and let things be. Don’t bother about your co. In fact if all this happened to me, I would email back politely saying I would not want further contact for a while. Just to not get into each other’s face or space. For me distances and no communication works as I get time to cool down and just move on. I mah not condone the act but cooling down helps me to sort or realize what sort of woman I am dealing with and I also tell myself, such issues are just not worth the frowns on my forehead. Like sometimes, when I tell hubbs, when my students are not behaving, I will not think or bring my problems to bed. I still value my youth. :) They will not rob me of my sleep or my beauty. I hope you sort of just relax and have great days ahead.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Sam,

    I Said, ” People say, yes, polygamy is acceptable, but there are problems for the first wife and polygamy is not readily accepted anywhere.” I made an error. I meant to say, People say, yes, polygamy is permissible”…

  • Ruqayyah

    May 4, 2015

    @Ana, you are correct about the talaq thing, without emotions yes she deserves another chance perhaps he will give it to her. Either way Ina should not get involved she should neither encourage him to divorce nor stay with the co. If things go wrong either way she will get the blame (Ina) so best to just make dua and keep things going.
    @Sam, I need to agree with Ana. As a woman whose husband is searching for another wife (who knows where its going to take us, nearly 3 years on and he has still not remarried) I know the pain. I know the temptation to act evil because THEY forced me into this. I have acted on that pain and let my husband and the other woman know they were hurting me. I have felt stupid, desperate and ridiculous trying to win the heart of a man who desires someone else. But at the end of the day this is islam and I have found peace in it. I don’t have to feel any negative way about my marriage due to my husbands desire for another wife. We still have a good marriage, I’m not delusional as society would have me believe, I’m not stupid, I’m not desperate. My husband loves me and I love him, we find comfort in one another. Allah has already decreed if he will have another wife or not, and Allah has freed me of the obligation of feeling bad about myself or ruining my marriage to save my ego. It’s not to say it isn’t hard, its not to say you don’t want to rip the new womans face off or make her life a misery. But as muslims we HAVE TO fight those feelings of anger hurt and betrayal it is the shaytaan doing this to us. If we are patient we will have the reward of those who are patient, if we do good towards our husband and his new wife we will have the reward of those who do good. It’s hard hard hard hard, but we just need to keep reminding ourselves which is better the temporary reward of feeling like you got revenge (which makes things a lot worse) or the feeling of knowing your Lord “has your back” and will give you so many blessings in the next life just because you tried to please Him when you were so heartbroken and tested with the person you love the most.
    Now for 2nd wives they need to understand the 1st in that situation, if she is hurting the new wife should be understanding if she messes up and comes to apologize, in my opinion she is not evil she is struggling. She can have a moment of anger, mess up and feel really bad about it and go to apologize. As long as she is improving day by day. Instead of classifying her as evil or acting better than her, lecturing her etc it is best to pray for her that she will find peace and happiness because it is a hurt the 2nd wife is saved from. Well usually, some 2nd wives come in trying to ruin the marriage rather than having accepted it beforehand, so those 2nd wives are hurting every single day.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @sam,

    I can’t refute anything you said. The first wife is probably evil because her husband married another, even if she consented. She feels hurt. People say, yes, polygamy is acceptable, but there are problems for the first wife and polygamy is not readily accepted anywhere.

    It, however, to me is all superficial. Allah didn’t say the man could marry another and the woman could marry him if the first wife doesn’t feel pain or hurt as a result of it. The man and potential wife aren’t responsible for how the first wife feels.

    Why does she feel hurt and pain? It’s an answer she needs to find for herself. The answer is in the Holy Quran. If she doesn’t believe in the Holy Quran or has never read it and has no understanding, she will feel pain and hurt. It’s her responsibility to learn the Truth.

    She feels pain due to having a diseased heart. Anyone who follow their desires and are ruled by desire has a diseased heart. I only expect a person who devote their entire life to the worship of Allah and accept the ENTIRE quran to understand it.

  • sam

    May 4, 2015

    Maybe the “evil” co-wife acts that way because they were once an only wife and her husband married another woman with her disapproval. Yes, the husband doesn’t need her approval, but that woman is going to feel hurt when she says to both her husband and the woman he is interested in, please don’t do this to me it is hurting me, and they do it anyway.
    This will make the woman feel hurt and betrayed by both the husband and the new wife, as they both went ahead and did something that would effect this woman so greatly, without caring for her feeling. So then these two people have started the polygamous marriage off with negative beginnings. Yes, you could say that this first wife has the freedom to divorce…but often women can be trapped because they have many children with the man, and have to stay with him.
    Polygamy has become stigmatized to the point that getting into a polygamous marriage has been difficult for the couple to do by the community. I am not saying this is right, but that for a second wife to enter into polygamy the man and woman might have to lie to the people around them to get what they want.

    Having to lie to anyone who is going to be in the polygamous marriage (for example, parents, previous spouses, or previous children) is going to get the marriage started off in a hostile environment filled with betrayal asking for trouble, asking for breaking of emotional ties if nothing else.

    The topic is more complicated then simply saying, co-wives are evil. For a woman who is not used to this life style and cultural choice, she should not be forced be thrown and forced into such a difficult life without her consent. Even if she gives her consent out of love for her husband or whatever reason, she may still not be able to handle it. Even women who grew up and were accustomed to this life, seeing in their culture as the norm, these women have difficulties in this marriage and life style.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Ina,

    Another thing I want to mention. I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, if I were you. I would not tell him to choose between you and her. Ultimatums usually don’t work.

    If he chooses her, are you prepared to take your children and get to steppin? If he says he won’t choose, are you prepared to take your children and walk? If he chooses you and you know he loves her and longs for her, and probably now begins to dislike or hate you, could you live with it? Don’t write a check that your @$$ can’t cash. Leave the ultimatum alone.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Ina,

    I want you to know that by what I’m about to say, I am not taking her side. Has she changed? Of course, I don’t know. Is it possible for her to change that quickly. I think it’s possible. Based on my own experiences in life, I think it’s possible. I’ve had things happen to me over the years that gave me a wake up call, and made me change as if overnight or instantly.

    Your co may have gotten the wake-up call that she needs for sure. She knows she over stepped the bounds. She know she’s facing a possible divorce. The cat is out the bag that she perpetrated a fraud. She got arrested and jailed. She abused and hurt the person whom she definitely love, her husband. She lost all control. She has to be mortified and humbled. For her to have emailed you and be polite is HUGE. She had to be humbled to take that step. It’s not an easy one to take. Was she and is she sincere, I don’t know.

    For the time being, if I were you, I wouldn’t trust her. I’d stay my distance from her. I would have absolutely nothing to do with her. I wouldn’t go near her with a 10 foot pole between you. For the time being, you’d do best to keep her far away from you. Who knows what will happen in the future.

    You’ve been through an awful lot over the last several or more months through her. Of course, no one should expect that you suddenly open your arms and embrace her. I’d be skeptical, if I were you, as well. Should you forgive her. Well, Allah tell us to forgive even when we are angry. You could forgive her, and still not be up close and personal with her.

    You said you don’t deserve what happened even if your husband does. You don’t know the reason Allah put you through it. It could be to bring you closer to him. It could be to test your patience and resolve. He says seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Perhaps you have been doing it. It could be a test that you may have past. It could be for a lot of good for your soul. Don’t blow the blessings… We can only guess why He did what He did. Put a positive spin on it. Keep up the good work on working on you.

    I hope, I haven’t made too many errors in quickly writing this post. It’s time for Fajr (morning) prayer where I am. Love to you, my dear sister.

  • Ina

    May 4, 2015

    To show she is a changed person, she sent me an email to share some tips she’s found on how to deal with life’s test saying the tips are “very good especially for me, you and hubby”.

    Then she ended the email by offering to take my kids out for a day…to give me a rest. This made me angry because I think it was just an act to make herself look good. No-one can turn around that quick. Only 1 month ago, she was threatening to send a sex video to my parents and now she’s all nice and helpful because divorce is on the table. Hubby of course can only see that she is trying to change.

  • Ina

    May 4, 2015

    Hubby is not giving talag for the physical abuse…and it was not the first time she’s hit him. If it was for the abuse, I think he would have divorced her at least 3 times by now.

    Gail, it’s not my fault that he has ended up with this woman but I am still the one suffering for it. Like I jokingly said to a friend, at least hubby gets some benefits from being with her.

    I didn’t believe it was her in the first few months even when told by you ladies here so I don’t believe that hubby knew and did nothing about it. He is a much less suspicious person than me anyway and he does tend to believe in the good side of people and less able to see their bad side. He has been taken advantage of many times by his so called friends.

    Hubby said the same thing that maybe he is getting what he deserves but what about me? I may not need to deal with her on a daily basis but she is still in my life…we still have to share a husband.

    Many of you here think that divorce is too extreme punishment for what she’s done but I disagree. She may be what hubby deserves for his sins but she does not deserve him either for her sins. I know I should not pressure my husband into leaving her for good but it’s so hard not to get worked up whenever he is with her. It’s hard not to give him an ultimatum…make him choose only one of us.

    It was what I feared when I thought about telling him about her being the boy. I feared he would choose to stay with her in spite of knowing her character and this would hurt. It does hurt and hard to accept. He says people can change for the better. He said some of the worst people in history can change to become the best (he cites Omar, companion of Prophet Muhammad pbuh, as an example). Now she is a completely different person. No drama, no anger, no jealousy, no stupid demands about time or calling her.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2015

    @Gail,

    I got a big ole belly laugh from you mentioning the Bobbit case. I think the wife was Lorena Bobbit. She sure did chop his penis off. They reattached it though. I really think Ina’s husband is getting exactly what he deserves. See, people only need to sit back and let God do his thing. People try to meddle in things instead of just letting it take its natural course. We get ourselves all worked up and aggravated for nothing. Look at Ina’s husband now lol I believe in both of those sayings that you quoted.

  • Gail

    May 4, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree with u in Ina’a case.I see it like this he married her knowing everything about her.Oh he can say he did not know that she was acting like a boy disturbing Ina but thats bullcrap as far as I would say.Lord alot of us seen right through the girl the first time Ina mentioned she was being bullied by the boy.
    I say Ina’s husband made his bed now he has to lie in it.Or as the Doc I used to work used to say” You lay down with Dogs u get up with flees”.
    As far as Ina is concerned If I were her I would be like anytime he even dares to try to bring up his second wife I would be like”Talk to the Hand” I would not baby him or cuddle him or nothing to be frank.I feel like he picked this life/made his bed now he has to sleep in it period the end.

    Ina it is not your fault your husband had no logical sense ahead of time to avoid this woman all together but now what is done is done and he should be wiser in the future unless he end up like that John Bobbit dude who got his Penis whacked off by his wife.LOL

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Think about it. The way it works in this society, when a husband assaults a wife and there are signs of injury on the wife, they go to court. Does the court tell the wife that she should divorce her husband because he hit her? From what I know, it doesn’t happen. The court doesn’t meddle to that extent. The court would suggest counseling, most likely. If there is a history of abuse, the court may order an anger management course for the husband. If the abuse continues and the wife doesn’t seek a restraining order the court may impose one against the husband for the wife. If he violates it, he would be jailed. People may suggest a separation for the couple. A person just doesn’t walk into court the first time a physical altercation occur and get advised to divorce. The courts like to help keep a marriage intact.

    As far as we know, this was Ina’s co first physical altercation with her husband. They are still newlyweds getting to know one another. Do you really think it’s right for her husband to seriously consider a divorce when there’s been no admonishment – the first step; no refusal to share her bed – the second step; there is a third step that we won’t discuss on the blog due to controversy; and all the other available remedies haven’t been exhausted? No counseling, no family consultation, no nothing?

    There have been other women on this blog who said they assaulted their husbands and they are still with their husbands. You hit your husband and you think just because he wasn’t bruised it’s less worse than what Ina’s co did. I could see if Ina’s co stabbed the man or shot him. He got hit so he’s within his right to slam dunk her with a divorce and no mercy???? Really????

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    According to this society and most domestic violence laws, the laws apply to men and women. According to ISLAM (Quran), Allah says the man and the woman are not alike. He says he has given the men a degree more than women. Now it could mean strength and other things besides money, as we know there are many women on the planet who have more wealth than men. Khadijah the 1st and only wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) until she died, had more wealth than the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). So, let’s put wealth aside.

    Allah says man is the maintainer and protector of women (again, I’m not talking wealth). So are you saying Ina’s husband needs protection from his wife? Are you saying Ina’s husband is the same as Ina when Allah says the man and the woman are not alike? Allah, in the Holy Quran says women were brought up playing with trinkets. It was in reference to the difference between man and woman. Ina’s husband needs to man up and take the recourse Allah has given him to deal with the situation. He skipped over all that Allah says in the Quran about discipline of a wife in the household and jumped to considering a divorce.

    Allah tells men what to do when they have problems with their wives. He tells of several steps other than divorce with the iddat period that they can take. Besides those steps, Allah gives man another way, which is the “Oath of Abstention”. Mediation is still a method, as well. They sit down with someone from his side of the family and someone from her side of the family and hash things out. Ummof4 says mediation isn’t appropriate here. Why not? There must have been a disagreement going on between the husband and the wife in that the situation that resulted in physical assault. They need to mediate the problems in the marriage.

    All I heard from Ina, after he took the beating, was that he was considering giving her a talaq. What happened to all the other steps? This appears to have been his first major altercation with his newlywed wife. He needs to let her know that he will not tolerate her behavior and that he will resort to divorce, if necessary. Nonetheless, there are steps.

    What would this world be like with marriages, if every husband and wife wanted a divorce after each fight? The girl is young enough to be his daughter. She hasn’t the maturity that Ina and her husband has. You mean to tell me that he can’t try to resolve the matter with her? How many fights have you had in the course of your marriage and how many divorces did you and your husband threaten?

    I’m just saying, do as Allah says, not what we feel like doing or think is better to do. He just married that girl. He knew she wasn’t going for polygamy when he married her. He didn’t care because he was getting his lustful desires taken care of. So, he runs to Ina with his tail between his legs for protection???

  • Ruqayyah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ana usually I agree with you that a man should take his subsequent marrage as seriously as his 1st. But would you be saying the man wasn’t the only bad guy if he had tortured 1 wife creating many personalities, creating so many problems and ontop of that beat up his wife? To me the abuse is the biggest factor. Yes I’ve hit my own husband once, never enough to cause a bruise and once I had calmed down I understood he may want to leave me (and had right to do so if he felt that he wasn’t safe just as if the tables were turned I could leave). Abuse is abuse whether a woman does it or a man and Inas co is not a normal person fighting normally being jealous etc. She is vindictive and knows what she is doing.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ina,

    You probably have gotten used to all the craziness and chaos by now. What will you do now, if you no longer get a blow by blow account of what’s happening in their lives? Now you may have to adjust to a new way of living. Gee wiz I wonder when you’ll get stability in your life. Sigh

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’m glad to hear that he is doing the right thing and you are supporting him in it. At the end of the day, as long as you stand by what is right, you’ll have a clear conscience. Good for you! :-)

  • Ina

    May 3, 2015

    Ana, no one is being thrown out in the trash. She has not been discarded like a piece of dirt. He is still spending her days with her and calls her when he is with me. To date, he has not announced talaq. Even if he does divorce her, he will still need to split his time fairly. One of the conditions after talaq is that the husband still needs to spend time with the wife in their marital home…reason is so they can work through their problems and see if there is any chance of reconciliation. I understand this and I dont kick up fuss about him going to her.

    No one here is saying wives who marry 2nd are more disposable than the first. Yes, they both did wrong in their sexual acts prior to marriage. BUT there is big difference in their attitude. When this was revealed to me, my husband apologise and admits it was wrong. Cowife, however saw no wrong and said to me it was normal for a girl to want to be with her boyfriend. On top of that she pretended to be someone else and tormented me for >9 months. Its not about me forgiving hubby and not her for the same sin. She went passed a line when she started sending me those pictures as far as i am concerned.

    I did not believe it was her doing all this for months because the boy said he got this info by hacking into her email acct (how naive). I did not believe it even when a few ladies here said the boy dies not exist. You even said that my husband wont believe me even if I tell him about my suspicions. Now he says i should have told him. What is done is done. I am glad the truth came out finally.

    I have no expectations about whether or not he would take her back after talaq. Not true, i fully expect him to take her back. Heck, i am not even sure he would announce talaq. But thats his choice.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    You’d think all wives who married first were pure, angelic, gems and royalty – NOT!!! Who is anyone kiddin?

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    Some Muslim men think that they can just run off and marry another woman, becoming polygamous. Then when the going gets tough he just discard her like a piece of trash and go back to his other wife. He doesn’t take the time to put in any work in the marriage to the additional wife to make it work. They treat marriage like dating. Sample the goods and move on (back to the real wife). Why be bothered with the problems? How sad.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2015

    Yeah, I HEAR YOU!!!

  • Ariannah

    May 3, 2015

    Whatever happened to, it takes two to tango?…

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    I kinda see how women end up getting stoned and men don’t. No one acknowledges the part the man plays in it all the wrong doing that usually takes place. The blame goes directly to the woman. Ina’s husband willingly partook in all that took place with Ina’s co (his wife), and didn’t care about the effect it was having on Ina, as he didn’t want to believe his co was a part of it and didn’t try to find out who was if it wasn’t the co. So, it’s okay for the husband to run back to Ina now and the co, alone, is seen as the bad person. Oh, well, I’m not surprised…

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    It’s amazing how people are quick to say a man should divorce a woman after he’s been all up her butt, got the goodies, was with her every which way, but up and then after all of it says she’s a bad person; he should divorce her; she’s no good. People fail to realize they deserve one another. What make him any better than her?

  • ummof4

    May 2, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina,after all the craziness and haram acts that your husband’s other wife committed, if he feels he should divorce her, fine. Only Allah knows if they will get back together or not. I feel that some actions warrant a divorce. If there is no disagreement, then there is no need for mediation. Unfortunately, your husband was so captivated by his new love that he couldn’t see her for what she was until she physically abused him. This happens with women all the time who are abused by men. But abuse is abuse.

    Ina, your husband committed cyber sex with his then fiancé, and you say that he repented for his sins. May Allah forgive him for those acts.

    Ina, however I advise you to not discuss your husband’s other wife and her actions with him. He will want to tell you everything, but please politely tell him that you don’t need to or want to talk about her. If they get back together, you will feel even worse because your husband knows her character but chooses to remain with her. We have had sisters on this blog who remained married to husbands who committed adultery, stole their money, and told fantastic lies. There is always a possibility that your husband may remain married to his other wife.

    I don’t know if it’s that husbands feel that their second wives are more disposable than their first wife, or if they sometimes feel they better get out while the getting is good. And sometimes second wives truly feel that the husbands will never divorce them, particularly if they are younger than the first wife and give him fantastic sex. They feel they can say and do anything they want without impunity.

    May Allah help us all as we live this life preparing for the next, which is eternal.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    It’s interesting to see the different worlds wives could live in, and be married to the same man. A man could be Muslim and married to a Muslim woman and to a non-Muslim woman, as well.

    It’s easy to see what Allah says in terms of a Muslim being lead astray by the non-Muslim. Evil and good cannot coexist together. The person goes one way or the other. It really is not both ways; although it may appear to be. Allah has already let us know what way the person will go. Allah lets us know the soul is inclined towards evil. It goes to show that a person is able to know what is in another person’s heart. Allah tells us what is in the heart. It’s how Merciful and Great Allah is.

    About a co who sends the other wife pornographic pics, I’m sure the one who sent them sees no wrong in what she did. It is the norm in her world. She probably thinks herself liberated, free thinking and cool. She has no idea what life is all about and how it works. She can’t see the true reality of things. She doesn’t know Allah. Allah is the only Reality. It’s really deep and quite heavy.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I know of a wife whose co sent a pornographic pic of their husband to her. The wife had seen pornographic pics of the co on their husband’s phone, as well. I think when the co who sent the pics is a non-Muslim, a Muslim wife should expect such a thing from her; although, it’s still shocking. It goes hand in hand with what Allah says in the Holy Quran about non-believers. Allah says He abases them to the lowest of the low. Nevertheless, it would be shocking for a Muslim wife to see such a thing.

    To forward such pics to a co-wife shows the low morals of the wife who sent those pics through the airwaves. I think the person who forwarded the pics to the co doesn’t think very much of herself other than that she is a sex object. She sees her worth only in terms of sex. She views herself only from a sexual perspective, and must think sex is what life is about. Her value to a man is only sexual.

    In Ina’s case with a co who calls herself a Muslim, she must be Muslim in name only. How could a self respecting Muslim woman want another person other than her husband to see her nude? The behavior should let Ina know the type of person whom she is dealing with. Allah let us know to investigate. It didn’t take a lot of investigating for Ina to find out the type of person her husband married. She is not the type of woman whom Ina should befriend. Ina should keep her distance from the woman.

  • Laila

    May 2, 2015

    Dear Ana, but what do you think of the pornographic pictures sent? Somehow that does not sit well with me. She really tested Ina’s patience by sending that sort of dirt. I mean what sort of person resorts to such disgusting acts? Hurting Ina is one thing. Sending x rated stuff of their husband and even herself made me feel like she is just dirt. Sorry for my choice of strong words but really, that is how I feel.

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’ll give you my take on how I see everything based on what you have said. Your co is a nightmare. She has done and said some very terrible, hurtful things to you. I totally get it. I know and understand how much you dislike her.

    The thing is though, your husband did absolutely nothing about her and the things that were occurring associated with her even before he married her. He turned a blind eye to it all.

    You mean to tell me someone forwarded you graphic pics of your husbands “hard on”, him naked in the shower and her feeling herself and he refused to believe it was his fiance, later to become his other wife (the co) who did it? He did not care enough to find out who did, if it wasn’t her. He went through the long one year engagement with the woman, planning a big, elaborate wedding such as someone would have who was getting married for the first time. He spent oooh goo gobs of time (whether in person or sex texting, cyber sexing) with the woman, and didn’t care who was hurting you by sending you cyber sex text, porno pics and emails of your husband and her?

    Now, suddenly, he gets embarrassed by the someone calling the cops on them and about the physical beating he took from her, he’s ready to believe all that you had been telling him about the boy and her for over a year. So, she confessed. He really needed her confession to finally do something?

    Now, he’s back with you and she’s FINALLY viewed as the devilish person (that she had always been). He shows no mercy now that his feelings and pride are hurt. The first thing he wants to do is jump to a divorce.

    Laila called it right. The husband is quick to throw away the wife who married second when the going gets tough. Ina, your husband knew what he married. He didn’t care because he was getting what he wanted at the time. As Laila stated, men can work through a first marriage and possibly go through an earthly hell with the wife whom he married first, but can’t cut the wife whom he married second any slack. They’re ready to throw those wives away without even fighting for them or working through their issues. Then the wives who married second end up feeling used and abuse. Looking at it from an Islamic perspective, not selfish view, do you think it’s correct?

    At this point, you could basically sit back and see whether he takes her back or not. Sometimes, from what I’ve heard, it’s a difficult period just sitting, waiting and wondering whether they will ever reconcile and when.

    Anyhow, it’s how I see your situation, Ina.

  • Laila

    May 1, 2015

    Dear Ina. Aftr reading your post on sending you pictures on their cyber sex activities well,all I can say is my heart goes out to you. She had no right to wreck such havoc in your life. Taking on the identity of another is not acceptable. Disturbing you via email is also not morally right. Obviously her intent was to break you and your husband up. She is just hell bent on creating unwanted issues. Clearly she is not happy to share a husband and she sees you as a problem that needs to be rectified. But in all this also your husband is also on the wrong. Why indulge in cybersex? What has he been telling her about you for her to feel that your marriage is a problem? He may not have said it directly but I am sure something would have been said. In my opinion, talaq is still a bit too harsh. Then again, this is MY opinion. You are actually going through the scenario so you may feel differently, and if you do, I get you. I think all three of you should meet up and just talk. Because your husband clearly leaves the schedule to her which to me he should be drawing it up and not her. Allowing her to do it makes her feel grand about herself. By talking DIRECTLY and not through him I believe as nasty as it might get you three may be able to thrash your issues out. I as much as I am not on talking terms with my co, but when the a problem reaches it’s peak, she does call me and I answer. I don’t ignore the call. We talk, we do argue, but we say it out directly, and then finally hubbs gets the news. It may not be the most effective but sometimes we bypass hubbs and somehow the message reaches one another. Choice of words may not be savoury but, message is crystal clear. So I think you need to talk with your co. You may not see it now but let’s say if he decidas to take her back after the iddat period is over, she may be up to her old antics again. By talking it shows you mean business. As firm as my co is, I also mean business. So when I talk she also knows what I want and what I will not take.

  • Ina

    May 1, 2015

    Laila, hubby is well aware that complaints can be made to the shariah courts if he is unjust in his marriage. She was cruel and evil way beyond anyone’s comprehension. He would not take the talaq route if he did not have sufficient reasons for it. I have kept all the messages and pics she sent me as the boy and we have her confession in writing.

  • Ina

    May 1, 2015

    In case i was not clear in my story. She has admitted to being this boy who has torturing me since june last year. She did not stop even after they were married.

  • Ina

    May 1, 2015

    Ana/laila,
    The tone i am getting from you both is thay hubby is divorcing cowife because of the problems they been having since bring married. This is not the case. She create a big web of deception for months before they were married consisting of at least 3 fake people to make hubby jealous, give him (her) advice and to torture me. She would lie to him and acted out her anger/sadness at receiving emails from this boy. After they were married, she would tell him that this boy waved at her and once even chased her on uni campus but she ran away.

    She sent me pics of their engagement and say look how happy they are and how sad i must be alone with kids. Here is a girl who spent >9 months trying to break up my marriage. She told me about lies my husband has told me, how they made love in a car and then come home to me. She would tell me things like my husband ask my FIL to put in a bath at their love nest in malaysia so they can take baths together, say how she pities me because i rather put up all this than leave him. How i cried for him to stay with me when we broke up before. Worst of all she sent me pics of their cyber sex acts such as his hard-ons or him naked in our shower. As a last desperate attempt to break me days before they were married, she sent me a pic of her touching herself during during cyber sex. So no, i dont feel guilty for encouraging hubby to divorce her.

    At the time when she was torturing me as the boy, my husband would say this is devil trying to break our marriage, begged me to ignore it and not let the devil succeed in his favourite pastime. So now it turns out he is sleeping with the devil.

    Talaq is not the easy option for hubby to take and neither is he taking it lightly. He says he will not take her back if he thinks she has not changed her ways. But of course she will be on her best behaviour during her iddat period.

  • Laila

    May 1, 2015

    By the way, I told hubbs about Ina’s co and how she calculates time right down to the seconds. He was shocked out of his brains. He told me that we are dealing with people and not robots. We need to give and take. He actually said that he pities Ina’s husband because he has to deal with such pettiness. I agree. I find it to some degree unreasonable that she can call him every night after Isyak just to talk. That to me is pushing the envelope.

  • Laila

    May 1, 2015

    The fact that the talaq serves as a wake up call is so true. People need to realize that their antics at some point causes their spouse to rethink matters. But the woman who receives the talaq may look upon it as othwerwise. Let’s say if Ina’s co received the talaq and decided upon herself that she too had just about enough with their husband. She is young and can always remarry in Malaysia, how would the husband react? … Will he still feel that he can handle it? Who is really being punished now? Ina may be glad that the co is out of their lives. I can relate and understand because her co is some piece of work. But like Ana said, can Ina accept that role of pleasing him 24/7? It is a heavy burden. I know how depressing it is to be given a talaq. You question so many things. You may at some point take the plunge of just not even reconsidering to reconnect. It is amazing then when the man realizes that the wife of ex-wife is just not bothered after the iddat period. Then a lot of things come into play. Like hubbs was not comfortable that I might consider other men for marriage or was just moving on. He played games. He used the house and whatever we have between us. He thought I would be hesitant. But when I said that he can have it all, and he can literally fly kites and that I am more than ready to start all over again on my own, he was just dumbfounded. He was just not ready for that at all. That is why sometimes we take out the talaq weapon and think we know what we are doing. I doubt it. Maybe initially as a woman, the co might just take it. But everyone, me included had a saturation point. They may give the husband a scare that he might just not be ready to accept. Because in this case, the man has more than one wife. I do not know about Ina’s husband. But mine did some real pitiful moves. Calling my family and asking about what he should do. He has learnt that by giving me a talaq, the relationship soured to the point where when we did get together, I could not make love for quite a while. Whatever good he did to me, I was least bothered and I took upon myself to humiliate him whenever the chance came up. Referring to his age and outlook. Yes, not proud at all by my actions but I was deeply hurt. I had to vent. He took it. I stopped cooking at some point, stopped cleaning the home, stopped doing laundry. I just felt at that point like he never appreciated me or what I have been doing as a wife. I actually told him many times during this time that he can always go to my co’s home for food. I am least bothered. It was not a good thing to say but, he did not just threaten me with a talaq, he gave it to me. So after that I even went on short holidays with my family and just left him out. I needed my space to deal with my emotions. He did not want me to change my mind. So he immediately reconnected. But he never pushed his weight around because he knew what I was going through. Men always think or feel that their second wives are disposable. That only the first is always going to be there through thick and thin. They may not say it out aloud but the message is clear. I tolerated this for years. Till one day, after the talaq. I just decided otherwise. I would lead my life on my own, still as a Muslim but on my own. That is when he went into panic mode. He knew he was in trouble. And he realized that I too as a wife, have my importance. Everyday now as he leaves to work, he says he loves me. He never did this in the past. He listens when I am talking about an issue.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I think any wife who encourages a husband to divorce his other wife would feel guilt, if she has a moral compass. A wife needs to simply mind her own business, and let things unfold naturally between the other wife and the husband. Even if he asks for her opinion or advice about it, I’d suggest she not give it.

    If he divorces the other wife and then regrets it, most likely he’ll blame the wife he stayed with for influencing him the wrong way. She’d wonder if he regrets what he’s done. Furthermore, as you noted, Ruqayyah, the wife who remains just bought herself a heavy load of having to attempt to please him all the time at all cost because he is without that other wife. She’d have to make up for the other wife not being there. She will wonder whether she’s doing enough and is good enough to keep him from pursuing another wife.

    Bottom line, the way I see it is a wife needs to mind her own marriage and stay out of her husband’s other marriage. It’s his marriages. Let him deal the problems associated with having more than one wife, especially if the wives don’t live together.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    I see both your (Laila and Ruqayyah’s) points clearly. Divorce will certainly get a wife’s attention without a doubt, and will keep her attention even once the couple are back together. I am sure it’s unforgettable. It’s like divorce in a monogamous marriages, as well. Divorce is a breaking of a bond and it’s not easy. Even most of the time when the couples agree to divorce it takes a toll on them. It’s hurts. I know from speaking with divorced friends and family members.

    It’s common for one to want to jump to a conclusion of divorce. In Ina’s co case the husband definitely acted in haste to consider divorce. The the husband and Ina’s co are newlyweds. They have to learn that every fight they have is not grounds for divorce. He should have simply taken some days from her. He could have canceled their planned trip to Malaysia. It would have gotten her attention. After all, she was trying to deprive Ina of days. He has to let her know to respect Ina and the time as Ina and she are both wives. She knew Ina was his wife when he marriage her (the co).

    Men do share too much information when they tells one wife where he and the other wife are going or what they will be doing or have done. He needs to keep it to himself or tell someone who won’t relate the information to the wife who wasn’t involved. He may want to gloat and talk about what’s he’s done, but he need to discipline himself in order to keep order in his households.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 30, 2015

    I agree, the husband should take all avenues up first before running for a divorce and divorce should be the last option. I’m just saying that a divorce can help the wife wake up if she needs that wake up call and nothing else has worked.
    And definitely cos need to keep to her own business, even my husband has learnt that. He admitted his part in stuffing things up because he kept carrying tales. There is a difference between wanted information and too much information. By all means I want to know her name, who she is etc. I’d LOVE to meet her, but don’t tell me where you’re taking her on her wedding night, how it went, problems she causes etc. We wives have enough on our plate without having to control our husbands other marriages. I wonder if your co would have felt guilt and/or pressure if she had caused him to leave you. I know for myself even though my husband was jobless and agrees at the time (1st time not this last time) it was good that I put pressure on him not to enter polygamy, I have always felt like I have to go above and beyond to please him because I stopped him from doing what he wanted. If he had married I couldn’t make him divorce and I don’t know how others cope with that feeling knowing they caused a divorce or tried to. It can seriously mess up your own marriage.

  • Laila

    April 30, 2015

    My argument was with hubbs but because my co made it her business to meddle into it, things that was initially ugly got even worse. So, K am referring it here so as to elaborate on how complicated it can get when a co involves herself in another wife’s conflict.

  • Laila

    April 30, 2015

    Ruqayyah, you have a very strong point. But take note, he has not done what Ana has said as yet. The three steps. I because I went through a talaq, know how painful it can be. Why immediately jump on the talaq bandwagon? Can’t he just try for example, not going to her home for about a week to show he means business? Talaq is a very serious act Ruqayyah. The situation as initially going on punishment may change into something else. Besides, eventhough in the UK she may not be his wife legally but if she wants she can do wonders by lodging a formal complaint against Ina and her husband. Ina’s husband is accountable. The Syariah Courts nowdays have changed from being slow and incompetent to quite progressive. My friend who was a second wife did that. They contacted both the first wife and husband and asked a lot of questions.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    Don’t forget about the “Oath of Abstention” as well. There are many ways for a man to bring order in his household without him having to resort to the extreme of divorce.

  • anabellah

    April 30, 2015

    About a man giving his wife a talaq (divorce) when she gets out of hand, we must remember what Allah in the Holy Quran says. He tells a man how to discipline his wife when she becomes unruly. There are three thing he should do and it begins with admonishing her and then refusing to share her bed. Before he divorces her he should get mediators, one from his side of the family and one from hers to try to help the marital couple resolve their issues. It seems to me that he should exhaust those avenues before proceeding with divorce. Divorce should be the very last resort. The other measures are there for a reason.

    I don’t think I’d take very kindly to my husband giving me a talaq, even after he were to take me back. I doubt I’d ever forget it and I think it would be difficult for me to forgive him for it.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 30, 2015

    @Ana, glad to make you laugh hahaha I do not regret getting married so young but I was definitely too immature at the time.

    @Laila I get your point but I think the difference is that you were having a normal couples fight, Ina’s co is seriously stepping out of line trying to harm his other family I think the situation is a little different. Ina did not encourage him to divorce the co, he is upset and doesn’t know what else to do. Talaq may wake her up so she knows there will be consequences and she needs to decide if she wants to risk being divorced or suck it up and control herself. He could take a lesser method and take an oath to stay away from her and “separate the beds”. It’s his choice as he can do either one. My own situation looking back now was not a normal couples fight, I was mental and couldn’t see it, I’m glad that I was told if it would continue I would be divorced as I never really thought he would divorce me before. It’s good to remember sometimes that I’m not all that and that he doesn’t have to stay with me if I’m making things hard. Our normal everyday fights (which can escalate and get ugly) do not lead to divorce or even threats of divorce, the man really has to know how to conduct himself.

  • Laila

    April 30, 2015

    Another thing, we, hubbs me and my co has learnt after the fiasco is that everyone is on the same level. In the past he always used to tell me to hold my tongue as she is older. But after that event, my opinion differs a lot. And I make sure he knows where I stand on things. I do not believe because I am younger I am immature or she is older therefore she is wiser. I always tell hubbs that if you wanted a wiser lady then you should have married a woman of your age and not someone twenty years younger. Women, have their needs and wants. These needs change accordingly as they age. Husbands when remarrying must understand that as exciting as it is to remarry younger women, they also need to balance things out or find a compromise. You cannot treat all wives the same. We till today are struggling in that aspect. Take for example, sorry Ana, I am just explaining here. Hope you allow it. My libido is way higher than hubbs. His is in some ways not so high anymore. Sometimes it affects us. But because I love him and I always placed love in every relationship I lead, I ignore it. But he realizes it and has broached the subject. To which, I just in a subtle manner change the subject. I love my partner to accept his shortcomings. He too has accepted mine. So men in general need to also learn that women differ, from one another. My co is a very slim lady, and I am curvy. She can fit into just about anything, I can’t. She is a homely type and a good mother, I am outgoing and love meeting people. So hubbs is learning that and understanding it well. Like yesterday we were talking about Islam, and you Ana. I was explaining the need to have an opinion about how we conduct ourselves as Muslims etc. All he said was, ok! …. I looked at him and said, “if you really want to spend time with me and being my best friend, please talk like a chick”…. he burst out laughing and he said. “Yes, Ana has a point, and yes we should try to discipline ourselves etc etc etc….. so yes. He is learning and for that, my love is blossoming and I do not get petty about his timing with my co. In fact, I am not going to start getting petty because we are sharing a husband. So let us work it out. Talking or not.

    Sorry guys. My story is kind of long.

  • Laila

    April 30, 2015

    Hey Ana and Ruqayyah, thanx. But I believe my advise comes from my personal experiences in regards to my co and hubbs. I too had my meltdown days and I did and said a lot of things I am not proud of. But my co took advantage and told me to not “stress hubbs up” in one of her calls to me. Back then, I was so pissed off that she felt that she had a right to tell me off. Who made her my mother?! I also screwed hubbs up because he must have been carrying tales. I felt so humiliated at the thought that our personal life was their tea time chat. So yes, I hit my rock bottom, and told him to leave my home. He aggravated me, and I fought back. I was so livid that I ended up calling him at my co’s home. To which she pushed him as I heard her saying things in the background to divorce me. Which he did. After that, I cried for days and I was so depressed. But after the depression, came my so called stubborn attitude. I packed his clothes up, and said bye bye. He came collecting his stuff in the hopes of reconnecting. I did not budge. I informed my family of our talaq. We did reconnect, but I was never the same. I was just keeping more and more to myself and I found it hard when he was at home. I was very distant and we were so formal. I was still upset I guess. I did also ignore him. I made it a point to talk, when necessary. In the meantime, my co had some issues and she too fought hard. She called him at my home, and there was a shouting match. Which by the way, I just kept quiet and walked into my guest room taking my book and coffee. I just did not want to hear, or even partake in the whole fiasco. What my hubbs learnt after that was huge. He was how I behaved, and apologized. But I told him that I need time to trust him. He claims that she is talking based on wild guesses and that he never carried stories. But who knows. Damage was already done. It took months to come to where we are now. And a lot of work. That is why co wives need to stay out of each other’s marriage. Knowing some information, by guesses or by the husband creates so much disruption, and heart break. Husbands will always threaten to use the talaq. But will he really leaves his second wife or wives? Even then, why use the talaq? It may be a wake up call for the wife. But if it really happens, it makes an open wound septic. I am not siding Ina or her co. But I just know because I have gone through it. The very idea of forgiveness cannot even come close. You may ask for forgiveness but, the grudge will be there.

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You said you laugh now at what happened with you in the past. You don’t know you’ve got me cracking up, going crazy over hear laughing. Not you little, sweet Ruqayyah did that. Toothless Chuckle At least I don’t feel so bad now. I’m not a lone in having been a mental person at times once upon a time. You’re so cute.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 29, 2015

    I know it may be an unpopular opinion but I kind of think a divorce may wake the co up. I remember I was crazy before, I even went crazy on my husband and hit him once (may Allah forgive me) because I didn’t want to control my emotions I let them control me. I was seriously like a mental person I’d pick a fight in the middle of the night, take all my clothes and go driving around hoping that he’d come and find me I laugh now but it took for him to sit me down and tell me this is not working. I can’t live like this anymore and I need to take a break, I am considering giving you a divorce. I had a day or two to think about it and realised what I was doing, I saw the amount of stress I was putting him under and it went beyond me just venting my feelings it was ruining our relationship. It took for divorce to be an option to really think about what I was risking each time I went crazy. I thank Allah much for allowing my husband to remind me that he doesn’t have to stay and I thank Him much for allowing my husband and I to work past my crazy times

  • Ruqayyah

    April 29, 2015

    @Laila, you gave such good advise. Men do need to zip it sometimes, it may feel good that he has his wife to confide in and it feels good for us when we hear he thinks she’s mental. But it hurts when he goes back to her and he does this because Allah has placed a love for her in his heart. Its hard. So it’s best to just nip it in the bud and tell him to find someone else to discuss his problems with, I don’t wanna hear them. It creates such a big problem later on and is not fair on the other wife who has a 3rd party in her marriage saying this or that to the husband when its not her relationship. Ontop of that the husband wont be coming to you saying ohh we just had a beautiful day together, we went to the beach and she bought me this and then we went home and did that. He’ll only say the bad things, that she hit him or fought with him over something stupid (as well all do to our husbands sometimes). It makes the other wife seem evil in the wifes eyes and kind of crazy, it makes it harder to deal that he is in a marriage to someone like that when in reality she probably just had a moment of weakness.

  • Ariannah

    April 29, 2015

    Ina,

    I’m sorry that you have had to go through these things that your co has put you through and I’m glad your husband is seeing things for his own eyes. Only time will tell if you forgive her or not. It should be within yourself to forgive her, if one day you decide to, not because your husband has asked you to.

    Those are some CRAZY things she has done to you and your husband! Hopefully she will change. She has a lot of straightening up/ changing to do and some people don’t change.

    Maybe suggest to your husband she pick up some hobbies to keep her busy. Maybe reading, talking to friends and family, knitting, sewing, crocheting, a job… Something to occupy herself.

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    @javeria, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I often wonder about co-wives who go to functions together or are at the same one together. Wow, it takes a heck of a strong lady to go through that. I’m impressed with the ladies such as you and BiBi when she was here who are up close and personal with the cos. It very interesting. Some dislike their cos so much, they can’t have a civil conversation or refuse to speak to one another. It’s difficult. The fact that most women never wanted this lifestyle and we grew up learning a different way has a bearing on how they do in it. It takes a lot of work to make it work. I admire you for hanging in there and doing what you need to do. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. Your posts are very helpful for us here. Laila is wonderful in giving us very good insight, as well. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’m sorry. You told us what your co freaked out about. I just read your post again. Actually, I have to go back and read them all again. I was a bit way busy yesterday with writing the new post etc, so I have to go back and reread all of it. Dealing with making a schedule that everyone is happy with could drive people bonkers. SIGH

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    Cowives club (anisa), Wa Alaikum As Salaam.

    It’s so nice you popped in to visit us and chat. :-) I’m happy to hear you’re still with us and reading. There isso much to read at times that staying on top of all the posts in reading is way challenging lol.

    You are one STRONG woman to have been able to sit there and listen to her yap about such intimate things between her and your husband. I wonder how I would have handled a situation like it. Knowing me, I’d probably go flip out on the hubz, which is crazy to do because he didn’t do anything. Who knows until confronted with a situation what a person would do. It’s all speculation until it happen.

    You did good. You did what Allah tells us to do; seek refuge in Him. I agree with you that it was Satan at work, having her speak of such a thing to you. You recognized it and did as Allah says, seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed.

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Very nice post! Well said. Yes, men and women need time and patience when it comes to transitioning into something new such as a polygamous marriage. It takes trial and error before getting it right.

    I wonder what happened that made Ina’s co snap, crackle, and POP.

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    I think if a wife FEELS like asking a co or anyone for that matter to forgive her, it’s okay, if she FEELS like it, as I said. What matters is that we ask Allah for forgiveness. He’s the ONE who forgives. If I am sincerely sorry for something I’ve done and I feel like it, I most likely will say to the person, I’m sorry; please forgive me . I can’t get with someone telling me to humble myself to another person, and ask the person to forgive me. I’ll humble myself to Allah and ask His forgiveness. Allah’s forgiveness of me is what matter. One can forgive a person without a person needing a request from another to forgive. Allah tells us to forgive and to forgive even when angry. It’s for our own soul. As long as I forgive, it’s all good. If Allah forgives me it’s great.

  • Laila

    April 29, 2015

    Men also go through adjustments when they re-marry. They do not realize so many things that they take for granted. My hubbs also included. He always used to say, that my co said that I am the golden child. I married and immediately got a house and cars and etc. But he forgets. We rented for years,which by the way I shared with him all expenses too, for years. My co is not the type to celebrate anniversaries. I do. I also love going out. So men, need to learn that in order to make the marriage work. Some compromises need to be done. In the past I always used to feel like I am the one trying to compromise and like I am pulling him along. After lots of heart to heart talks and also a short separation. Which I asked, he now has changed a lot. And I too have changed. I am more nurturing, and he is more loving. I was so sick over the weekend, he literally took care of me. That showed me a lot in regards to his character. But, to come to this level of understanding, took many fights, sleepless nights, arguments, silent treatments and heart to heart talks. Ina’s husband just remarried. He does not know the co well. He probably will see her true colours soon and also see her virtues. All this, does not happen overnight. It takes time. He also needs to have compassion for both wives. He needs to understand Ina is hurt, and also talk to the co and ask her what is bothering her for her to react such. That is my take guys. We, hubbs and me are still learning. But by learning, our relationship is getting way better.

  • Laila

    April 29, 2015

    Dear Ina. To a certain degree after contemplating your issue I also feel that your husband needs to put a stop to telling you stuff about her. About her being needy and calling him and expecting him to receive her call. I understand when you vent about the schedule and her crazy stunts but he needs to learn to respect both of you. As a husband he also needs to learn that not all women are the same. Whatever problems he is facing he needs to face it and not tell you about it. I understand as he is your husband and you are concerned. I would also be if I saw bruises. But he now has another wife, and another life and marriage. Punishing her and telling you about her is not a respectful thing. We all, wives included love a bit of privacy, and a bit of space. I am least surprised because there was once my co threw a chair at hubbs and it hit his shoulder. I know because he came running to me to take him to the doctor. But after the examination, he went home to her. Yes, I found her behaviour to me mad, but then again, she is a woman, she probably hit her maximum with him. I am not siding her, but I understand her emotional outbursts. I feel he probably confides so much in you because you are his rock. Which is good. But he has to now also realize he has another woman to live his life with, learn things about her, accept her shortcomings, and find a way to make the marriage work. Hubbs in the past always told me to ask for forgiveness from my co during Eid. I just cannot do it. To me,my logic is, why do it when I am not sincere?!… I also feel that she has done some major damage to me that she needs to also apologize. But hubbs feels I am he younger one therefore my humbleness should come into play. But till today, I refuse. He now accepts it and respects me and does not force it onto me. He has learnt that he has two wives. Age is not and should not be the problem. He has to treat us both equally. Nobody gets special treatment. After a while, I believe if he does this, your co will also cool down.

  • javeria

    April 29, 2015

    @ ina

    I do feel for you! My co does something retarded to annoy me and I get so mad.then I come here and read your drama and my mind says,atleast I dont have to contend with thaaaat! I do agree with laila and ana, divorce isnt gonna help anyone.just upset everyone and make everything muddled,especially since hes not doing it because he intends to leave her, rather as a “punishment”.He is going back,u know it and im sure she does too.just forgive her and carry on as far away from her as you can for the sake of your own peace of mind.

    @ ana, you are very right in saying that Allah will sort it if u just let it go.my co tried to create a fight btwn husband and I by complaining about me to him, claiming I leave her to do everything at my mother in laws dinner party and I just slack off and its supposed to be my turn to help cos its my night.so he called in a temper and shouted at me about it.I had gone to help his niece out with her new baby,so I wasnt just flobbing about but I just left it and went to see what I was supposedly leaving her to do.when I get to mil’s house, NOBODY has arrived yet, NOBODY is even in the kitchen. Nothing is happening at all so im wondering what on earth the drama was for. Anyway, I started to heat everything, so as hubby is coming in here comes co running in like she’s been here always.but she didnt realise he saw that she wasnt there and once he realised that all the drama was for nothing because nobody was there yet, he asked her why she was causing a problem for nothing so she tried to cover and say she thought everything was delayed and blah.but she was obviously exposed. So hubby apologised later saying he was sorry he had lost it, he just didnt like drama and having to hear crap from everyone.which makes me wonder what else she said and did that he isnt telling me….but anyway, yes had I made a noise it wouldve been super messy and pointless.by letting it go, her agenda was exposed alhamdulillah :)

  • anabellah

    April 29, 2015

    @mamahutsana, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I could see how a wife would use the children to try to manipulate the husband when he is polygamous. Usually women who do it aren’t happy. Don’t think for a moment that they are, not to say anyone wants them to be unhappy. Women want men to be with them because they want to be, not because they feel they have to be because they are there for the children. She knows that when she’s luring him there using the kids, he’s not there for her. It’s all about the kids. She knows it. Do you really think it makes her feel good? Try not to get yourself upset about it. It what she wants to do – upset you. The more cool, calm and collective you are the more aggravated she will become. Not that you’re trying to aggravate her, but two can play her games. Eventually your husband will begin to see through her and get tired of it. It’s one thing to be needed in an emergency when he’s with another wife, it’s another thing to try to play a person. It’s sad when women have to resort to using their kids to get with the husband. :-(

  • anabellah

    April 28, 2015

    @Ina,

    I agree with Laila’s assessment. I don’t think there is a need for him to give her talaq based on her lies either. They are newly married and the fight appears to be their first major altercation. He’s only going to take her back in the idaat period; you know it. Meanwhile, he’ll be with you. You’ll probably begin to settle into a little monogamy and think he will permanently leave her. The next thing you know he and she are love birds again and you’re hurt. It’s better he patches things up with her now and keep it moving, so it doesn’t disrupt your life even further.

    I was in a state of shock when you said she assaulted him and he had visible bruises. If for any reason he gives her a talaq, it should be because of the assault. I had no idea she’d go whacko on him. Any time a woman beats on a man, it’s serious in my eyes. I wouldn’t dream of getting physical with my husband in an assaulted way. My husband said he’d hit a woman back if she were to hit him. He said a woman shouldn’t think about getting froggy with him. He said if she’s man enough to hit him, she’s man enough to take the blow. He doesn’t play that. I’ve never hit a man in my life and I had boyfriends when I was non-Muslim. Well, I did hit one back after he hit me LOL I never initiated it though.

    So, she was in jail??? Say what??? That is super crazy. Be careful, Sis Ina. You know what this woman is now capable of.

    Again, as Laila said, talaq isn’t a means to punish someone. A talaq is supposed to be to divorce and move on or get back together and work it out. If he simply wants time away from her, he should simply take an oath of abstention. A talaq simply just is not a tool to punish someone. It’s serious for divorce. If he knows in his heart already that he will take her back, he shouldn’t divorce her. Divorce isn’t something to play with.

    If she said to you that she is sorry, accept her apology, but still have nothing to do with her. You know the type of person that she is and there is nothing that says you must be bothered with her. It’s how I see it.

  • Laila

    April 28, 2015

    Dear Ina. What a roller coaster! But this is how I look at things from the perspective of a second wife. She has apologized. It may not seem sincere but she has done it. Many second wives sometimes do not even do it because they feel they don’t need to. Giving her a talaq and saying that he would take her back for you is a huge MISTAKE. Because as much as she will go back to him she may end up keeping some form of grudges. After reading about your co, I get a feeling that she is not the type to sit quiet and let things be. I also feel she has someone on her side telling her what to do. Loneliness is no excuse for crap behaviour. I am considered as lonely when hubbs leaves for my co’s home. Personally I think fights and arguments are normal. They just got married and are getting adjusted to one another. I will however not condone the lying and stuff to get attention. That was a bit too extreme for me. Now that you know what type of woman she is, it is best to be on your guard. But I just do not see the point in giving a talaq. It is not going to work out in the sense to “punish” her. I also feel that at this point she may actually pack up and leave.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    After spending a day alone contemplating what to do, hubby called me to ask if i could be the better person and forgive her. He feels he needs to give her talaq on principles but if he say he is only taking her back because i said so then i will get rewards for it and it means she will owe me one. I told i cant find it in me to do that at this point in time.

    Now hubby is telling me that he will give her talaq. If he feels after the iddat period is over that she has changed then he may take her back. The talaq may be more of a punishment. I get the feeling that he will take her back as his wife at the end of the iddat period.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    Chapter 3:
    We are convinced she is the boy. Hubby didnt know what action he should take. He talked about carrying on as normal until she poses as the boy again. I was disappointed and upset. How could he go to her and pretend nothing happened? He was due to go to the next morning.

    Later that afternoon, hubby said he has written an email to confront cowife. He wants to send it to the boys email address. In the email, he ask her to admit to everything, ask for forgiveness and repent for her sins.

    She did not know hubby had sent an email until later that night when hubby called her like he usually does every night after isha. He did not confront her on the phone but said something about the boy getting an email. We half expected to get a call from her very shortly afterwards. When hubby’s phone did not ring at all that night, he said its obvious that she is guilty.

    As we were discussing this in bed, i received an email from cowife. She said the boy gave her the password to the email account after she was married. She admitted that all the emails sent from the uk were from her (but not the ones send before she was married which were the really nasty ones). What a stupid lie! She even accused me of talking to people who i dont know about her. I said to hubby i dont what she is talking about. I only talk about her here on this blog and to my best friend. Later on, i realised she was referring to the 2 fictional characters she created in facebook (one is the boy and another is a girl who claimed her father was polygamous). This fictional girl gave hubby several pieces of advice and she offered help if i needed to talk when hubby got engaged.

    So her 1st apology was nonsense. She emailed another apology in the morning which basically said “I am sorry for everything that I did. I was told to ask you for forgiveness but I dont need to explain everything”.

    So 2nd attempt was rejected too. 3rd attempt said she admits she was boy and ended with I will learn to appreciate you more in future. I still did not get a tone of sincerity. Hubby did not go to her house the next day. His friend advise him not to stay with either to avoid issues about unequal time.

  • mamahutsana

    April 28, 2015

    salaam sisters what a wonderful topic these things happens more esspecially when you dont have a child with your husband the first wife uses her children to seek the hubbys attention and to demand more and more that causes strain on the other part.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    Chapter 2:
    Hubby and co-wife was planning to go back to Malaysia in June for Eid. I told hubby that is find but if he is going to spend 2 weeks with cowife then I want him to send 2 weeks with me during the children’s summer holidays in August. She sent me the schedule 10 days ago where she’d given herself 17 days and me 10 days. Since she is going back to Malaysia earlier, I would get 7 days beforehand so the number of days is the equal. I told hubby this is not what we agreed so ask him to tell her to change it. Hubby told her, she freaked out. She went ballistic on him, punching and screaming so much so their neighbours called the police. My husband told the police she was hitting him so she got taken in and spent the night in a police cell.

    After she was released she asked for the time she lost to be made up. WTF! what is this girl on? Hubby said no, it was her own fault and I should not lose my time. 2 days later, hubby came home and showed me his bruises. I was horrified. What if she had grabbed a knife…

    When hubby turned on his computer to ask something (I can’t remember what now), I decided to ask him if I could look at his email account. I wanted to investigate the emails co-wife has been sending to me since they met to see if there is a link to this boy who has been harassing me. Hubby did not hesitate and logged in to his email immediately.

    After spending almost a day looking at ip addresses, I told hubby that I am sure the boy is co-wife. I explained as much as I could but the light bulb went on in hubby’s head. It all made sense now.

  • Ina

    April 28, 2015

    Many of you here may be aware of the evil antics of my co-wife over the past year. Some of you may not know my story so I shall briefly recount it.

    Chapter 1:
    Since last June, some posing as a admirer of my co-wife contacted me via facebook. He msg several times asking if I know my hubby and what our relationship is. After they were engage, I replied saying that person who is engaged to the girl of his dreams is indeed my husband. I then advised him to forget her and find someone else. He then started to send me pics of them together including their engagement. He then said that he hacked into her email and dropbox and found lots of evidence of inappropriate behaviour between hubby and cowife. Between June and September, this boy tormented me with graphic details of hubby’s and co-wife’s love life, telling me how my husband has been lying to me, how much fun they are having, how sad I am, etc etc etc. I blocked him on facebook in September and he started emailing me.

    1 week before they were married in October, the abuse started again and I could not understand why this boy is still has not given up yet. I started to investigate and discovered that the ip address of his emails is from the same area that co-wife is from. I was shocked. I told hubby a few days before his wedding. I said it was either co-wife or her ex-boyfriend but it was probably her ex because I could not believe she do something like this and also thought she would be too busy with the wedding to be emailing me.

    Then I remember what some of the ladies on this blog said when I told this story. A few said straightaway that this boy must either by cowife or someone close to her. Since the pics were quite graphic it was unlikely to be another person involved. So with that in mind, I started to through a few of my own punches at the boy whenever he contacted me. I got tired of it in Dec and just started ignoring him. Whenever she got upset, I would get a email from the boy. I didn’t know how to tell my husband about my suspicions thinking he would not believe me anyway.

  • Cowives club (anisa)

    April 25, 2015

    Asalamu alikum ladies it has been awhile .. i just decided to check my emails and found this post today …Ma shaa Allah Tabarak Allah …i have been through this a couple of time … but your right everything should be referred back to Allah and we need to turn mo him and seek his protection in times like this … with my last co i did just that when he sat their trying to tell me what they had being doing in the bedroom i sat and smiled and held it in and while she was talking i was seeking refuge with Allah because this was truly the dealing of the shyatan and his pushing to cause problem within a marriage