Favorite Wife in a Polygamous Marriage

favorite wife in a polygamous marriage

The favorite wife in a polygamous marriage is what just about every wife wants to be to her husband. Therefore, it is not surprising that wives compete for the place of his favorite wife. Needless to say, wives fight for their husband’s love and affection.

A wife wants her husband to prefer her above the other wife. It’s quite natural for wives to want the number one spot. She wants first place in his heart. What wife wouldn’t want that? Of course a woman wants her husband to love her. If there is more than one wife, she wants him to love her the most.

Let’s look closer at the concept of his favorite wife in a polygamous marriage

A story in the Holy Quran lets us know how some people compete for love. In the story of Prophet Joseph (PBUH) and his brothers, their father Prophet Jacob (PBUH) loved his one son Joseph more than he loved his other sons. Joseph was Prophet Jacob’s favorite son. Joseph’s brothers disliked him due to it. As a result, they did devious things to him. All should read the story of Joseph. It is “Yusuf” (Surah 12).

The incident is about a favorite child. Nonetheless, the idea is the same. Written material show that the mother of Prophet Joseph (PBUH) was Prophet Jacob’s (PBUH) favorite wife, as well. The brothers who gave Prophet Joseph (PBUH) problems was of another mother. Some women compete for the spot of her husband’s favorite wife in a polygamous marriage. It is not only common with siblings.

I believe there are stages wives must go through in polygamous marriages. In the beginning stages of a marriage, a wife competes for her husband’s love and affection. It’s a phase wives go through. Hopefully, they will get over it sooner than later. It is hopefully short-lived.

Why do wives vie with one another for the place of favorite wife in a polygamous marriage?

It seems a useless thing to do, as Allah decides who the husband will love the most. Allah decided who the favorite wife will be. So why waste valuable time and energy battling for first place? A woman wouldn’t do it, if she took the time to learn about her Lord who is Allah.

Allah places love in the heart. We can’t put it there. It is impossible to do. It is useless for a woman to try to get her husband to love her more than he loves the other wife or wives. When a wife understands and accepts this fact, she no longer compete for her husband’s love.

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) felt uncomfortable about loving one of his wives more than the others. Allah then revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that it is okay to love one wife more than the other. There is an ayah (verse) in the Holy Quran about it. It is okay to love one more, as He (Allah who is God) controls the heart.

We don’t know why Allah places the love in the husband’s heart for one wife over another. It could be that the husband is a righteous, pious man. Allah may have placed love in the husband’s heart for the wife who is the most righteous and pious one.  On the other hand, the husband may lack faith in Allah. Allah may have placed the love in the husband’s heart for the wife who lacks faith, as well. Allah knows best.

It’s useless for a woman to compete for the place of her husband’s favorite wife in a polygamous marriage

A husband may lean towards one wife more than another, but it is okay. Allah controls the heart. If the husband feels more love in his heart for one of his wives than the other, it is because Allah placed the love there. The husband should not feel guilty about it. The less loved wife shouldn’t make her husband feel guilty about it. Allah knows best why He decides as He does.

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90 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your busy time has ended. What are you an accountant LOL I’m sad, I can’t use my snaggle-tooth smily anymore cuz it’s not supported by this secure site 🙁

    It’s good you’re back and will help out with advice. It’s been really quiet around here. I think we all got super busy at the same time.

    About LadyBug, that is strange that she’d only got upset enough to divorce her husband after he wanted to marry the woman whom he had been committing adultery with.

    LadyBug’s husband should marry his “mistress”. They are suited for each other.

    An Ayah from the Quran that supports it is as follows:

    “The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers.”

  • ummof4

    April 23, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    My super busy time has ended so I’ll be here to comment.
    LadyBug, I’m with Ana on this one – adultery is OK with you, but polygyny is not? I have a question – are you Muslim? That will determine the advice that I give you.

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2017

    LadyBug,

    Why are you having a problem with your husband now? You said he has been with his “mistress” for a few months before you married him. You found out about her seven months into your marriage. You’ve now been married to him for 2 years. It means you’ve tolerated him committing adultery with his mistress for 1 year and 5 months to date. Now you’re having a problem with him marrying her, yet you tolerated him committing adultery with her all that time. It doesn’t make sense to me. Are you saying that adultery was okay, but polygamy isn’t?

    I’m not trying to be harsh with you. I just want you to think about what you have said. It appears that the whole list of things that you don’t like about your husband and his “mistress”, you have a problem with now because he wants to marry her. If, I’m wrong, please let me know.

    I wrote a new post/theme based on what you’ve written. It’s: Accept a Polygamous Marriage or Divorce

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2017

    LadyBug, Hi. Welcome to the 411 🙂

    I’ll give you my thoughts on what you’ve said. I’m not clear whether you want to stay married to your husband or not. I assume you do, but don’t like that he wants to marry another woman. Maybe you don’t want to stay married to him, but fear that he will take your daughter from you.

    If you’re in a “Muslim” country, maybe he could take her. If you live in the US, there are measures that you could take to ensure that he doesn’t.

    How can he “force” you to accept polygamy? I don’t quite understand what you mean by that. Do you mean that he is making you stay married to him by threatening to take your daughter from you?

  • LadyBug

    April 22, 2017

    My husband cheated on me few months before our marriage and I found out about it 7 months later after our marriage. Now after 2 years of still sleeping with his mistress who is a divoree, he wants to marry her and forced me to accept polygamy. He said he is following the prophet’s way. If I do not accept his request, he will divorce me and take away our daughter from me.

    Due to my husband request, I worked and also help him with his business to help him with household expenses and monthly bills. His mistress on the other hand doesn’t work, as he prefers her to sit at home instead of working as a dancer. She is getting monthly allowance from my husband which is 80% more than what I received as a wife.

    How do I accept polygamy calmly when he has been unfair to me? I go out to work everyday spending a lot of time away from my daughter.

    My husband is still not married to the other woman and he still drinks and party, which is where he met her. My husband doesn’t pray and doesn’t observe fasting during ramadhan.

    Please advise me

  • anabellah

    February 25, 2016

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hear, hear. I loved your post! I haven’t read it expressed so precisely. Well said, Sis. Good super mini kutbah 🙂

    It seems Allah has blessed you with a little tribe, my sister.

  • ummof4

    February 25, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    By the way, I have four adult children and seven grandchildren. They know who is my favorite child and who are my favorite grandchildren. However my favorites change depending on their behavior. It’s a family joke about who is the favorite child/grandchild of the week.

  • ummof4

    February 25, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    Latifah,
    Allah has not created us so that we are exactly the same. We all have favorites, whether we want to admit it or not. We have favorite siblings, favorite teachers, favorite friends, favorite foods and drinks, even favorite children. Why do we feel that it is such a big deal for a husband to have a favorite wife? Just like it will be obvious to children which one is the parent’s favorite, it will be obvious to wives which one is the husband’s favorite. What is important is that everyone is dealt with justly according to the teachings of Islam.

    CALLING ALL SISTERS! LET’S BE CONCERNED ABOUT BEING THE FAVORITE SERVANT OF ALLAH INSTEAD OF BEING THE FAVORITE WIFE! LET’S COMPETE TO BE ON THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF JANNAH INSTEAD OF WHO GETS THE MOST GIFTS FROM THE HUSBAND! THE HUSBAND IS JUST A MAN, WHO LIVES AND WILL DIE. ALLAH IS IN CONTROL OF US ALL, OUR CONTROL IS VERY LIMITED. ALLAHU AKBAR!

  • Tawakkul

    February 24, 2016

    Latifah,
    Assalamu alaikum sis,
    Everything in this article is correct, Allah has allowed men to love one wife more than another. And this would be clear If you were to read the entire verse in Surah An-Nisa verse 129: “You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them (by giving her more of your time and provision) so as to leave the other hanging (i.e. neither divorced nor married). And if you do justice, and do all that is right and fear Allah by keeping away from all that is wrong, then Allah is Ever Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Allah is acknowledging in this verse that it is only natural for men to love one wife more than the others, and he is assuring that they will never be able to love them all 100% equal. Then Allah goes on to say that, they have to deal with them justly as possible, in terms of provision and time even if they feel more inclined to one and that Allah is the most forgiving and most merciful.

    As for Surah An-Nisa verse 3 Allah says “marry (other) women of your choice, two or three, or four but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”

    This is referring to dealing with the wives justly in terms of time, and provision overall.

    So it is permissable for a man to love one wife more than others as long as he deals with them them justly, and we’ve seen this with the prophet s.a.w himself he loved Aisha more than all his other wives, and Khadijah even more than her and everybody knew this but he dealt with his wives justly even though he loved Aisha the most.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2016

    I erroneously said, “Islam” is easy to understand and remember. It should be, the Quran is easy to understand and remember. I will correct it.

    Allah several times in Surah 54 repeats that the Quran is easy to understand and remember.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2016

    Latifah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You are wrong. The ayah that you sited lets us know that a man WILL NOT love women equally. They will love some more than others. It lets men know that it is perfectly okay to love some wives more than the others. Allah controls the heart. Man does not control it. We don’t control who we love or how much we love the person. Allah has that control.

    Some people don’t rely on the Quran, but seek information from other sources. If you are one of those people, you should have come across the account of what happened with the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in his marriage. He loved his wife Aisha more than he loved his other wives. He was concerned and bothered by it. Allah then revealed the ayah to him to put his mind at rest. Allah let him know that he was doing nothing wrong. It was okay.

    Furthermore, the other ayah that you sited deals with orphans. If you read the surah, you would see that the ayah about being just is with the ayat (verses) that address orphans. For further explanation you should read the post that I wrote about it: https://www.polygamy411.com/allah-allows-men-four-wives-in-polygamy/

    Many Muslim women who don’t like polygamy try to find any material whatsoever to say polygamy is not allowed or that it is discouraged. The women need to use their brains. Allah tells us to follow the ways of His prophets (all of them). The prophet Muhammad (PBUH), the seal of the prophets, was both monogamous and polygamous. If you think about it, it alone lets one know polygamy is a perfectly acceptable way of life for us. It has nothing to do with being just and fair other than the mere fact that we all should be just and fair in all our dealing with mankind. Polygamy has no special right to justice. It on the same level of justice that pertains to all.

    Allah doesn’t contradict himself. The Quran is easy to understand and remember for the believers. One can’t just turn to the Quran and use it like one uses an encyclopedia or look something up online when one has a question. One must seriously sit down with the Quran recite it out loud in a slow, rhythmic tone to LEARN IT AND LIVE IT.

  • Latifah

    February 24, 2016

    Salaam aleikum wr wb … U Said Allah swt allowed a husband to love one wife more than the other that is wrong …

    You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire”
    al-Nisa’ 4:129 –

    if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:3]

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I published a new post/thread https://polygamy411.com/must-she-accept-a-co-wife-when-she-accepts-polygamy/

    I published it on the older blog, but this is a revised, updated version.

    I published it earlier today and then realized it was the draft – sigh. The correct version is published now. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2014

    alison, hey there, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’ve got that right LOL Everyone is so busy. It’s not easy to stay on top of this blog when so much is going on with other aspects of our lives. I don’t have time to stay on top of the social media connected with the blog, let alone read emails and so much more. There is so much information available to us and so much to do with not enough hours in the day to do it all. SIGH. I need to be a speed reader LOL I’m happy to hear from you 🙂

  • alison

    October 26, 2014

    Hey salam sorry I know we all quiet been busy at work but read all comments religiously my love to all of you..hope alls well…ina enjoy youe holiday and may Allah remove all your stress

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    It seems everyone went quiet again. I suppose we all got talked out, and need a little break. It’s all good 🙂

    I hope everyone is having a happy day. Crazy happy.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Good morning, friend!

    I liked reading your post. It gave me a better understanding of how some women fair in long distance marriages. I could understand how it works for them, based on what you stated. I like my space and alone time, as well, but I don’t need as much as some of them do – definitely not LOL As you stated, though, different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on… Whatever floats their boat. A 70 or 80 year old man? I’d say NO!!! lol

    ummo, have a wonderful day. I pray Allah blesses you immensely for all you do today to help those in need.

  • ummof4

    October 26, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, a few comments about long-distance marriages. I do not feel that I would fare well in a long-distance marriage. However, I know many women who do well with them. Some men in my community from other countries spend 6 months here in the US making money, then go back home for 6 months with their wives, children and other family members. Their families seem to be fine.
    In the past year, I know a sister who married a man who was already married. Their arrangement is that her husband comes to her home country for two weeks every four months. She had a difficult time finding a husband in her country and married a man from the US. She is 41 years old, and in her country that is an old maid. The sister is very well educated in Qur’aan, Islaam and other subjects. She and her husband communicate daily on Skype and truly care about each other. He sends her money monthly to take care of her food, clothing and shelter. She has stated to me that she would rather have a righteous Muslim husband that she can only be with every now and then, than be single her entire life. Many women in her country who are not married by 30,never get married or marry men who are 70-80 years old.

    I also know a number of women who are very into their careers. They are now in their 40s and want to get married. They would be okay with having a long-distance husband because their career takes up a lot of their time. They do not want a full-time husband because they understand that a full-time husband needs the attention that they are not willing to give.

    Some women just do not enjoy sex or are not interested in it as much as some of us here on this blog. Some women do not want to leave their families, especially their mothers, and are okay with seeing their husband every now and then. They can go a loooong time without sex because it is not that interesting or enjoyable to them.

    My husband and I agree that virtually every woman wants to be married in her lifetime. It’s part of being a woman. When I meet women who say that they never want to get married, I have a conversation with them. By the end of our conversation it comes out that they have been wounded in some way, either as a child or an adult, so they see marriage as a bad thing that is full of heartache and pain.

    According to my knowledge of Islaam, a man cannot stay away from his wife longer than 4 months without her acceptance of the situation. If a wife accepts and agrees to a long-distance marriage and she and her husband are both okay with it, then it is halaal. If he stays longer and she doesn’t accept the situation. then she can rightfully ask for a divorce.

    Different strokes for different folks. As long as it’s halaal.

    Everyone, enjoy this beautiful day and go help someone today. Today is our day to go feed the homeless in our city. We feed at least 100-150 once a month. It just warms the heart to see a smile come across the face of a person who appears to have nothing. A sincere thank you from one of our clients just makes my day. So everybody, whenever you are feeling bad about yourself or your life, do as Allah says in the Qur’aan. Give to the poor and needy. You will appreciate what Allah has given you so much that your complaints will just fade away. And Allah promises rewards for us who do so.

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    I am curious if any of the other woman on the blog feel like I did and secretly still do in some ways about your husband disgracing the entire family.
    OK on one side of my brain I have logic and reasoning and I say to myself forgive him and move on which I have and it is pretty easy to do because we are in USA but when I think about his family and visiting them I have to fight the anger inside because I feel like he disgraced us in front of his entire family.I think thoughts like I can’t hold my head high because of this mess.I have lived a respectable live and I have always had alot of pride and I swear it feels like he destroyed my pride.I feel like people do not see us as a family as much as they know the polygamy story that goes with us.I am talking about his sisters husbands and their families.I have mentioned a few times about my husbands family.
    Let me elaborate just a little.My husband has 5 sisters total.3 of the sisters are married outside the family to 3 brothers from another family.All 3 are very well educated and very well respected.1 brother is a computer engineer and has moved to Australia with my sister inlaw and their kids.The second brother works for university and owns a very beautiful home in the richest area of Islamabad.Then we come to the third brother who is A very high profile doctor in Pakistan and has done UN peace keep missions in several countries and is just a really down to earth wonderful person.Now as if that is not enough to make me want to hold my head in shame at how my husband acted during his big mess of Polygamy.He has another sister that just so happens her husbands father used to be a General in the Pakistani Military and he was also an Adviser to one of Pakistan Presidents.Honestly before I found out the truth I could hold my head high and feel totally comfortable hanging out with them and I totally enjoyed all the social parties.I felt very at home with them all.When the truth came out I just felt lower than dirt to be honest and I will tell u why because although I am certain everyone of my husbands family likes me alottttttttt I know in my heart they were saying all along poor Gail she don’t know.It will kill her if she ever finds out etc… I know 100% they were thinking like this and I know longer feel like my husband and I really fit in.
    So when u hear me on the blog saying I have a hard time to forgive my husbands family thats what I am talking about.I have always tried to teach my children to be just as comfortable siting at a presidents table as much as sitting with a poor person.I have also taught them to be comfortable sitting with a Muslim as much as sitting with a Jew.
    I know logically I am suppose to hold my head High and believe me I will in the future but there is this part of me that still knows my husband should have handled the situation differently as to not disgrace the family.
    I know I am oversensitive about the matter but I just wonder if anyone else feels like I do?

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    I basically have the same views u do when it comes to Porn for the most part.We only different when it comes to how we handle it.
    I do agree it is very animal like behavior.
    I wish people didn’t view polygamy in such a negative light.If only they would think ok Polygamy is not for me but to each their own type attitude what a blessing even that would be.
    I also think it was an awesome idea for Ina to take her kids on vacation.I don’t know but my heart sure goes out to her.
    I wonder how Aishah is doing also.I think about her often and always hope for her best.
    As far as My talking I don’t know Ana.I am always afraid if I come across as to abrasive or just down right crazy at times.
    I will say this It does help me to blog about my own experiences in hopes that maybe someone out there that is hurting will read something I wrote in one of my post and it will help them in some small way.
    It’s really strange because once u have been through polygamy married or divorced it seems to change u.I know for me I am forever changed from going through it to be honest.This may sound so strange but I feel like I am a much better person for having gone through it.I also see where I am lacking in certain areas that I need to change about myself.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    The reason I take the position I do about porn, adultery and fornication etc. is because before I became Muslim, I was the average person out there in America going to work and living for the weekend to party and have fun.

    When I became Muslim, I learned what it means to have a good respectable life. I learned a woman’s body is sacred. It’s special. It’s where babies come from. I learned to respect myself and my body. It’ took me a while to get there, but I was celibate for a GOOD 10 years or more before I married. I had no desire for sex during the time. I spent my time going to work, helping others, and in worship. It’s why I view sex and life as I do. I thank Allah much that He chose me to be special and to value myself and my body. I didn’t come this far to go backwards. No can do. I pray Allah put me on the Straight Path, if I’m not there, and keep me there.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    I think Ina’s husband is supposed to marry the girl any day now. It is why she took herself and the children on a holiday. It was a very smart thing for her to do. I hope she will be able to enjoy herself and keep her mind off the two of them. I truly hope it happens for her. I think she said he’ll be away for 3.5 weeks.

    Gail, you are so right that polygamy does bring the status of the family down in the eyesight of others. I’ve heard it from someone very close to me – a mother of the son who engaged in polygamy. I won’t mention who as there is a limit to what I can openly discuss with regard to certain people

    I like talking with you, as you open my eyes to see things more clearly by the way you articulate yourself. I sound pretty much like a broken record, but you tend to bring it home when it comes to depicting situations with reasoning.

    About the porn, I just feel strongly about not tolerating it because I am willing to accept what Allah permits – polygamy- but not willing to accept someone watching strangers who are or aren’t married have sex. It’s disgusting and just plain WRONG. It’s animalistic, if you ask me. Another reason is that if my husband needs to watch porn, I’d rather he go else where and watch it with his trashy woman, and not expose me to it. There is no need for him to let me know he partake in it. You know what I’m saying???

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    I think there is a problem when u r married and not getting sexual relations on time but with that said I am pretty certain most woman have no problem waiting on their husbands as long as the husband and the wife are getting along and their marriage is decent.
    It is also true that woman go years and years without sexual relations.My own excowife went 8 yrs without sexual relations herself.I on the other hand would never go so long and it would not matter if we were getting along or not to be frank it is a normal human need and I just could not wait so long on someone to get their act together but that is just me.
    With the porn I don’t know what to say other than I see your point but my husband is not addicted and very very rarely has did it.I notice in time of serious tension he would watch.I do like talking about different issues and sins.It is strange how one person can deal a sin of their husbands and another person says OH no I would divorce it is very interesting to me how we as woman deal things differently.
    I agree with u about Porn it has really invaded clear across the globe and it is such a disgrace.
    When is Ina’s husband suppose to marry the second wife?

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    I don’t think people are going to truly accept Polygamy anytime soon simply because 2 or more woman sharing the same man are fighting words not to mention flat out divorce for most woman in the world.
    Obviously outsiders see the husband as cheating on his wife and not and honest man.It is not just about he is taking another wife his whole entire character comes into question.He really is labeled as a cheater and obviously the first wife is just crushed and broken hearted so that adds fuel to peoples fire.In alot of ways polygamy is much worse than than committing Adultery to be honest.Polygamy really is considered a curse word to the majority esp.. when u have wives that would rather DIE or Divorce than accept it.
    Also here is the very sad part not only the husband get labeled he brings the entire family down with him when he chooses to practice Polygamy.
    The very first thing I said to my husband when he told me about excowife was I have tried so hard to make are family look good in everyone’s eyes and it was all for nothing.U have taken the entire family down with u in your nonsense and believe me at the time I seriously meant it.I felt like he had disgraced me and the children and excowife.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    I have a question.

    A man needs no excuse or reason to get married the first time. Everyone is like – oh so and so is getting married to so and so, how wonderful; it’s fantastic; Alhumdulliah. Why it is that when he marries a second time, becoming polygamous, he doesn’t get the the same type of reception?

    Why it is that the first wife gets blamed for it. She gets looked at as being a big, fat loser. People begin to try to figure out what was wrong with her.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    I don’t know much about the porn situation other than it’s an abomination and a sin. I know it’s a HUGE problem globally. The little that I know of it, I don’t think it’s associated with the amt of sex a man or woman receives. It’s something that turns the people on who watches it, and has nothing to do with how much sex they’re getting.

    I don’t know whether my husband watches it when he’s not with me or not. I will not condone him watching it or allow it in my home is all I can say. What he does that I don’t know about I don’t care. I believe if I was to find my husband sneaking and watching it in my home, I would divorce him.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    You asked how long a wife could go without sex, if her husband blows her off sexually? I’m hoping she could go a good long time. I say this because we hear of cases in which some wives haven’t seen their husbands in six months or years and Muslims are not to have sex with anyone other than their spouses. I believe there are Muslim women who refrain from having sex unless their husbands are there for them. I could be wrong. I have no way of knowing. I’m only hopeful the women refrain from sex until their husbands are there for them. Fatima’s husband divorced the cousin, and hasn’t seen her in years now. I don’t think she has remarried. I’m hopeful she’s not having sex with anyone, as she has no husband now. I know there are people who go celibate, and have no problem with it, as they consciously opted to purify themselves. It happens when people revert/convert to Islam. They are celibate until they marry.

    I had been meaning to write a post about the long distance marriages. I can’t for the life of me understand how these men marry women who they only see twice a year, maybe every six months. Is it Islamically correct? I know women can agree to stay married and not have sexual relations as a friendly, amicable agreement that they make in order not to divorce. It being said, such an arrangement in which the husband doesn’t see the wife for several months may be Halal. I just don’t know how men who are supposed to be the maintainer and protector of women and live with their wives in peace and tranquility could do so with such an arrangement. It’s probably why I haven’t written a post on it, as there is no easy answer. I definitely don’t know the answer. Allah knows best.

    I can only say my husband has been away for six months at a time on business and I had no problem whatsoever with not having sex any sex. He and I have a good, healthy sex life. He goes away on business now and I have no problem whatsoever waiting for him to return whenever it is for me to have sex. I suppose there are women who just can’t do without it and there are women who can. I’m hopeful all those many women out there who are Muslim and are in situations in which their husbands aren’t there with them could exercise some self control, and don’t fall into adultery, which is a heinous sin. To each his own is all I can say.

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ummof4,
    I agree with u also about what u r saying.I am sitting here wondering if alot of woman when they get married r virgins and they are simply to shy and intimidated to get their groove on esp.. if it is their first sexual relationship.
    I think Ina not meaning to sparked a great topic with her waving the white flag to the younger sexier soon to be cowife.
    I am sitting here perplexed because I do feel sex is very important in a marriage and how is a wife to truly feel loved by her husband if he is not sexually desiring her.Obviously in Ina’s case it is her husband issue and not Ina’s but it really doesn’t change the fact that Ina is not getting her rights fulfilled.Leave all the Porno and cam sex issues aside.I am thinking about Ina and her needs at this point.I wish there is someway to help Ina solve her intimacy problem because I know if I was in Ina’s shoes I would be climbing the walls.I just can’t go more than a few days without it or i start getting depressed.I am almost wondering if Ina should not pull her hubby aside and be open with him and tell him straight he is going to have to do something.

    Ina,
    My brain is on your side the last few days.My heart feels heavy when I think about u and your situation.I am curious have u talked to your hubby about your sexual needs and he has to do something to make u feel relax?
    I get the feeling from your post he is having impotent problems in the bedroom with u.
    I want to tell u that none of this is your fault so please DON’T take any of this on to yourself.I do however think something is broken in your relationship that needs fixed and u should never have to do without sex or love just because hubby has a new love interest.I feel somehow u have to get your point across to hubby u r human to and u have sexual needs and he is going to have to fulfill your needs as well.Impotent problems is not such a huge deal he can still make u satisfy sexually to be frank.I would say take the bull by the horns in your case if u r not getting your sexual needs met.The reason I say this is so u can feel mentally relax.I could not imagine going through all this without your sexual needs being met.
    Just know I am thinking about u.

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    I totally agree with u 100% in Ina’s case about not getting involved in Porn watching or Anal sex or anything that is not halal sex basically.
    That aside I am wondering how long a wife can go if her husband blows her off sexually.I know for a short time my when my husband was struggling with telling me and I was barking down his throat to tell me what was going on with him and excowife he started having sexual problems and he had not even been with excowife or talk to her more than 2 or 3 times in 8 years.
    After he told me the truth he said like the weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders and his sexual problems disappeared.I would say he had sexual problems for about 6 months off and on and he was about 38 that time.
    I think men when they are mentally in tension could have problems sexually.I noticed around that time thats when hubby started watching a porn a little and he was hiding it.I did get furious and I called him out on it and he denied it of course.It made matters worse for us for awhile because in my mind I though OH lord he is some kind of pervert to be frank.
    Now looking back I see he was in serious tension and at the time he felt like he did not have control on his life.This was right in the midst of him coming out to me about excowife.
    I asked him after everything was over with excowife why he watched the Porn etc.. He said it made him relax to watch it because everything else in his life was getting out of his control.Bottom line he was in serious tension of this world he had created was coming to a end and he was terrified everything was going to crash and burn.
    I don’t know woman are wired so different than man.I will say this and this is not to defend men at all BUY men by nature crave more than one woman.OK maybe not all men but enough men do that I feel this is a fact.
    I think alot of men make the mistake of using Porn which is not good and is a sin as an tension outlet.Also most men r not very good at talking about their feelings either and that creates more tension between husband and wife at times.Woman on the other hand for the most part r very verbal and can explain in great detail their personal tensions.lol
    I also don’t want to make light of Porno like it is not that bad because in all honesty it really is degrading to the people that do porn and the ones that watch it and some men have a very serious porn addiction to where a wife will divorce him over it.
    I will say this though in the last 3 years since we come back from Pakistan only one time in the last 3 years hubby has watched a porn and I knew he did it but I did not say anything to him.I swear like a couple of days later we were driving in the car and he himself told me he watched about 10 minutes.I did not make a big deal about it.I just asked him why and he said I fell asleep on him which was true I had taken an allergy sinus med and it knocked me out.We were fooling around and I just passed out.I am so guilty of doing this sometimes.I don’t mean to but I am so tired by the end of the night I take a hot shower lay on the bed and I just crash.Long story short he was worked up and felt like he had no release outlet and he watched.I just simply took the opportunity and told him look don’t worry leave this topic but just know anytime u need sex I am there asleep or not u can have it.I don’t mind.He said OH no I am not that way to take advantage of u when u r sleeping.I started laughing and ask him how many times u wake up because I am wanting sex myself.
    The point I am trying to make is not all men have a porno addiction but instead use it as a tension release outlet and my thinking is a wife is smart enough to figure out between tension or an addiction she might be able to get through to her husband and at the very least she has talked with him and gave him another option.I think screaming at them or looking down on them only adds fuel to the fire.It does nothing to stop the habit.
    A wife could ignore it but I am not so sure that is the best option either as it really does nothing to solve the problem.
    I don’t know how involved a wife should get to be honest but in my case I knew he did it and I believe he knew I knew he did it and he confessed to me he did do it and I just took the opportunity to let him know I love him and I am there for him anytime day or night awake or asleep for him.lol
    I know most woman would say well My husband knows I am there for him and he can have it 24/7 or they might say talk to the hand and tell their husband OH u nasty beast.That would have been me once upon a time.Now I am more like ok u did it.I am sorry u made that choice but hey I am here for u when u need.
    I think as wives alot of times we come across more as a mother than a wife.We catch hubby doing something wrong and we start barking at him like he is out child.I know at least I am guilty of that.Instead I think it would help more if we just simply listen and let them know we r here for them.I figured out through my cancer scare I can’t control anyone so I need to knock off and live the best life I know how to live and let hubby find his own way because me barking at him is a huge waste of my time and energy.I have decided to do me and let hubby do him and if he needs me to help him Hey I am there.I have really lightened way up.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    When I say Ina should take the high-road when it comes to sex with her husband, I mean she should not let what her husband and the girl do influence her. She should not allow her husband to pull her down to his and the girl’s level (cybersex & pornography). She shouldn’t allow them to encourage her to do anything she is not comfortable in doing or flat out doesn’t want to do.

    Many women, when their husbands first marry another, begin to feel guilty and think the reasons their husbands married others had something to do with something their husbands wasn’t receiving from them (the first wives). They then set out on a mission to compete with the new wives to please their husbands in whatever manner they can, when in essence, the husband marrying others had nothing to do with the first wives.

    We have heard stories here from women who have done certain things only to please their husbands after their husbands married others. I won’t name names here, as we’ve removed the comments from the blog, which the commentators are probably happy about.

    One told us of how she had a very autistic child, and had to care for the child without help from her husband. She was exhausted most the time from caring for the child. She had serious back issues and had surgeries, and needed another. She said she allowed her husband to have sex with her in all types of position and often and she endured excruciating pain in the course of it, all in an effort to compete with her husband’s new wife. She did so thinking her husband who had supposedly divorced the other wife, would not go out and get another. Guess what? He went out and got another.

    We heard from another lady who said her husband married another and then he began to ask her (the first wife) for anal sex. She declined, as that type of sex is not acceptable in Islam. He ended up performing it on her forcefully against her will.

    I’m saying Ina should not stoop to the level of her husband and the girl with regard to him possibly encouraging her to watch porn with him or filming their sex acts or doing cyberspace sex, which she does not want to do or anything else of that nature. We have heard Ina say she had no sexual issues with her husband until he got with the girl.

    It’s fine and good for husbands and wives to have good, healthy sex lives, but no woman should compromise her morals or compromise her position (no pun intended) to try to satisfy a husband simply because she thinks if she doesn’t her husband won’t love her or he’ll go get another wife.

    A husband is good at telling a wife the reason he left to get another wife is because she wasn’t fulfilling his needs SOMEHOW. He gives EXCUSES, but it usually is only that, excuses he gives for wanting another woman to satisfy his desire. He thinks he needs an excuse although, polygamy is permitted and he needs no excuse.

    No woman should be made to feel guilty and that she was the reason for her husband marrying another. We have heard from women who have said they have good, healthy sex lives with their husbands and the husbands still want other women. We have heard it from our friend Ruqayyah here. It has nothing to do with Ruqayyah lacking in that area. She wants good sex and plenty of it and she has it with her husband. Her husband still desires to have another wife. It’s has nothing to do with Ruqayyah. I’m sure Ruqayyah would feel offended if we began to tell her she needs to get on the stick (no pun intended) and get it on right with her husband.

    The first thing that happens when husbands marry other women is the first wives get accused of being bad wives. People asks her what was wrong with her that her husband went and got himself another wife. She gets questioned by others, and is accused of being a bad wife who couldn’t satisfy her husband. We shouldn’t perpetuate that type of ignorant thinking here.

    Yes, many women from various cultures aren’t sexually inclined etc. It’s true. It’s probably an issue, but we are mixing apples with oranges.

    There are many men who probably come to America to get their freak on with American women who are sexually liberated, but it’s not actually what we are speaking of here.

    Yes, a good healthy sex life is nice and good in a marriage. It, however, is not exactly what I was referring to above.

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2014

    Gail,

    I totally agree with you that Ina’s husband will most likely see the light once the newness of his marriage to the girl begins to wear off, which it undoubtedly will, eventually. Ina needs to hang in there and stay strong. She has to get her focus right, which means not on her husband, but on her Creator. It’s how she’ll find peace in her life and the strength she needs to ignore her husband’s relationship with the girl, and take the emphasis off her husband. Allah will help her through this, if she turns to Him for help and guidance.

    Ina’s husband may have a lot of problems with the new wife. Ina’s just going to have to let the husband deal with the other wife, and try not to let their problems affect her, as best she can. She has to implore Allah for help.

    Gail, you spelled it out quite nicely. Once all the glamor, fun, excitement and hoopla about the wedding is over and the husband and the new wife settle into married life, Ina may see signs of her the husband she once knew. Marriage is different from the get acquainted, “dating” stage that leads to marriage. Ina’s husband and the girl had a lengthy engagement. Ina needs to be patient, persevere and pray.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back a bit later to comment on your other posts.

  • ummof4

    October 25, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, I’m with you. Sex is as important to me as eating and drinking. Alhamdulillah it has never been an issue in our marriage in regards to polygyny, and nothing has ever stopped it, including pregnancy.

    Everyone, I believe that a husband and wife should have open, honest discussions about sex so each of them will receive the pleasure that sex is supposed to provide. It may take a while for each to know what really makes him/her feel good, so the couple may have to do some experimentation. For Muslims who marry as virgins and do not participate in any type of sexual activity before marriage(kissing, hugging, oral sex, pornography/cyber sex), it will take some time for them to get to know how to treat each other’s bodies. Once a couple learns how to please each other, sex becomes a favorite activity for both.

    As many others have stated, wives need to be concerned about pleasing Allah through righteous deeds. Having sex with your husband is only one of those deeds.

    Everyone enjoy your day and try to do righteous deeds that will earn blessings from Allah, In shaa’Allah.

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Oh one more thing and this is just my opinion now mind u but I don’t believe for a second that youthful woman or man can hold a candle to a lifetime with a loving wife or husband.
    When an older man get a younger wife it is like getting a new shiny toy but eventually like every other toy it get tiring then they start looking around for there old toy they love.
    Now I am not saying a husband will get tired of a second wife but lets face it when polygamy happens the hubbys tend to focus for awhile on the new wife.In most cases it is not a forever thing and the everything eventually levels back out.I think if the first wife can embrace that thought it would go a long way in being able to organize her thoughts.
    I really believe after Ina’s hubby marries and gets settled into Polygamy she will start to signs of her old husband returning.

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    U brought up a really good topic about how does a woman that has decided to stay in Polygamy deal with a husband that is into pornography and cam sex.
    On one hand I agree with what u r saying when it comes to Pornography and although I am personally cool with Cam sex when spouses are long distance I understand that in Ina’s case her husband is not officially married to miss thang yet.
    Now my thinking is Ina wants to make her marriage work and has decided to stay so my question what is exactly the high road?
    I want to be clear none of this is Ina’s fault that her husband chose another wife and he is mistreating Ina sexually.
    My thinking is that if Ina keeps trying she will get a breakthrough.Now granted it might take awhile since her husbands brain is on the other woman but I can’t imagine for the the life of me a man to turn away his own wife for very long.I never honestly had to much trouble in the sex dept to be honest but in saying that I am wild with my husband and even when we are fighting we still had sex in common.I hold sex in marriage right up there with eating and drinking.lol
    I want to say something else and be honest.My husband like most men at one time or the other has watched Porno movies.My husband has confessed to me when he did watch them and to be honest at first I felt hurt but after he confessed to me that I fell asleep on him I let it go.I did tell him straight up anytime he wants even if I am asleep he has rights on my body and I will never stop him.He said he felt bad to wake me and I told him nope don’t be I might even sleep through it u just enjoy I really don’t mind.
    My husband is not the kind of man to do it when I am asleep but at the same time I wanted him to know I am available 24/7 just think of me like 7/11 or Walmart.LOL

  • Gail

    October 25, 2014

    Ana,
    They prefer males in those societies because the male will grow up and bring home money.The parents live with the sons.The daughters contribute nothing to the house and they r a liability.They cost a fortune to marry and after marry u have your son inlaw sending his wife to get money or property or anything and if the parents or brothers don’t meet the demand then their daughter will get mistreated or beat or kicked back to the inlaws or divorced.Right or wrong that is just the way it is.Now u combine that with poverty and it just magnifies the issue.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    Mari2,

    It’s funny you mentioned the “Youth” aspect as it applies to competition. I had the discussion today with my wali. He said the same thing you said. No one can compete with youth. We’re all young only once in our lives. My wali is fit and health conscious. He said, still, if he was to go up against a young person, the younger person due to youth has the advantage – more energy, speed, stamina etc.

    I’m with you on maintaining a youthful appearance and good health as best we can with nutrition, exercise, facials etc. It’s definitely important. At times there are things that will cause us set backs, like for instance the case of your miscarriages you had, but in time we bounce back, and return to some type of routine. I don’t believe in drifting into old age without making an effort to retard the process.

    About daughters and fostering them in Pakistan, what I understand is they end up in the trash, if no one wants them. Maybe you remember Jenny having spoken of it when she was considering adopting a Pakistani female child.

    It’s sad, the value that some place on females. Men are supposed to be maintainers and protectors of women. We see how that’s working out.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    Ina,

    Let them sex it up and get down and dirty or whatever they do. You don’t want to compete with people engaged in cyber sex and porn watchers. How low can they go Some think the freakier the better. Let them do their thing. Don’t stoop to their level.

    If you’re going to compete for anything compete for righteousness. Be on a whole different level than them. Take the high road

  • Mari2

    October 24, 2014

    @Ana,
    As far as “competition” is concerned I would like to state that initially when M. told me he was getting engaged to cousin girl, I was indeed jealous (and hysterical). ABSOLUTELY! I was like “I’m not good enough?” It took time and effort on both of our parts to weed through culture/Islam/family etc. Sometimes our discussions were not pretty. But our marriage has held up because of our joint belief in Allah’s will, and my realization that there are just some things I cannot compete with with regards to cousin girl (and that’s OKAY):

    1. Youth. Yeah, I work out, am in good shape, take good care of myself. However, I am a loooong way from being 17 again. Rather than lament my age, I decided to focus on caring for my health, body and mind. Gym, yoga, facials, nice flattering clothes etc. Guess what? One can look good at any age so long as one tries. But 2 miscarriages in one year and I know it’s a message that I’m done with the birthing thing. And for me this was a time of mourning, a time when I just had to accept Allah’s will. I have no desire to use medical intervention to push my reproductive capabilities outside of the norm, especially since the breast issues. M is accepting of that. But I did have to put my foot down when he offered cousin’s future child ( if a daughter) to me. Can someone please explain the family “foster mom” system in Pak with regard to daughters? I don’t fully understand it.

    2. Culture. Family. Language. No way I can or will compete with the commonality between the two of them. They have tribal and family history and common language between the two of them. I have however learned much about his family and culture, learned to cook the foods he likes, visited his country, made an effort to understand his background and correlate his experiences with the same issues my, once not so long ago, immigrant family faced.

    3. Marriage/cultural things…gold…appliances…clothes…gifts for in-laws… food, tents, chairs, etc for a ridiculous amount of people. Nope. Will never understand. Even my first marriage didn’t cost as much or last as many days. My Islamic marriage was awesomely simple Mashallah. I was married, then I cooked a simple meal for a few guests. And I would never do henna again after my experience in Pakistan and the 20 plus days after that the skin on my hands molted and I ended up looking like I had leprosy or something. It was the worst, crazy, itchy skin raging thing since my last bad sunburn. So, clearly I cannot compete with regards to henna tolerance.

    And with regards to competition, I do feel bad for cousin girl. M’s MIL to be exhorts him to allow her to finish her education (M. agrees), MIL told M “Don’t bring her to USA to work in a store. She needs to be a doctor or a teacher.” Yet at the same time it’s expected of M.to get cousin girl with child ASAP. So what is the real future for cousin girl? This is where I am so sorry for her. This is where all the gold and all the hooplah and all the culture just makes me sad for cousin girl. This is the place (country/culture) where I do not have to compete as she sadly has no option to make her own choice. This is where I understand how fortunate I am and graciously thank Allah for all I have. I’m not trying to be mean here but am ever loving glad my ancestors got my family out of the BS/tribal shit of Ireland and Eastern Europe. But for the grace of god go I…..MASHALLAH.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    @Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Don’t even waste your brain power on whether it’s okay for a spouse to view sexual pics of the spouses. Your husband and the girl’s main concern should be about who may see those pics of them on the phone besides the two of them. Someone could borrow the phone or pick the phone up and look through it; he could lose the phone and it falls into someone else hands or, as Spirited said, someone could hack into the phone. Any person with any modesty, which we as Muslims are supposed to have, wouldn’t have those pics on the phone.

    Ina, you are fresh, brand new into this thing. Insha Allah, there will come a time that you won’t give a hoot about what he and she do. It won’t faze you. It won’t even cross your mind what they do or where they go; I can assure you. You probably have a ways to go to get to that point, but it’s okay. You can only go at your own pace. Insha Allah, you’ll get there quickly, so you’d be relieved of the pain and heartache.

    As for not liking the type of person he is about to marry, I hear you loud and clear on that one. I have come to learn that once a wife is aware of the type of person the husband’s other is and she is not the type of person that Allah tells us to associate with, I’d say don’t be bothered with the person in any way, shape, form or fashion. It’s the way I see it now. We should judge a co-wife the same as we judge any other person.

  • Ina

    October 24, 2014

    @ Ana,

    I said I dislike feeling that I should be EXTRA nice to hubby because it will be competing with the other wife. Aside from my low self esteem issues which makes me not want to compete, I am also that aware of surah 4:129 so hubby will not be able to control who he loves more, Allah does. Competition to gain more of hubby’s love is fruitless. So I am still nice to him (most of the time). Before he left, we hugged and he said thank you because I have been nice for the past 2 weeks. I liked what Ummof4 said about how a man can love each wife for different reasons. I believe hubby still loves me (no matter what devil boy says) so I just have to continue being me.

    You laid out 3 options for me. Clearly, option 1 is not for me. Option 2 is always a possibility as we do not know what the future holds but right now it’s not what I want. My intent is to do option 3. I have accepted that hubby marrying this girl is Allah’s will.

    For the most part, I am not angry at hubby for how I feel because he has said sorry many times. There are times when he says or does certain things which will make me angry but I think that’s normal in marriage to have some disagreements from time to time. My main issue is the person that he has chosen to marry but it’s Allah’s will so I just to cope with it the best way I can.

    I do feel like this my test to either bring me closer to Allah or pull me away completely if I fail. Inshaallah it will the former. I have purchased the book “From Monogamy to Polygyny” for my holiday reading.

  • Ina

    October 24, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,

    I understand what are you saying and you are right in saying that I think I am boring compared to the newbie. I told my husband that I liken it to going from soft drug users like cannabis to hard drugs like cocaine. We did not have a problem before newbie came along. Only problem was that hubby felt he wasn’t getting it often enough which is his reason for wanting polygamy. Once you had the hard drugs, the softer drugs no longer give you the same satisfaction/high. The fact that they were engaging in cybersex also meant that he was getting his fix elsewhere so no longer need it from me. I read a few articles about porn-related impotency problems and seems to describe the problems hubby was having.

    I asked him what he’d like me do, anything new/different, his fantasies but he said the problem was him and not me. I get the feeling that he feels more shy with me regarding his fantasies but has no problems telling her. Maybe he sees me as the “good girl” so feels embarrassed expressing his sexual fantasies. I must admit I would not be comfortable doing cybersex.

    With regards to their sex pics, I am struggling to understand how a man can say he has repented but still want to keep those pics. I guess I am just questioning whether he has truly repented but like Ana/Spirited say it’s not my problem to worry about. I just find it a little hypocritical of him to say he knows that muslims are not suppose to use/look at pornography but then he does not want to delete these pics on his phone. Is it not porn when it’s your wife? Men are really good at going to the boundaries or what’s permissible/acceptable. Like he said he has not committed zina because they have not full sexual intercourse or that he has looked at the pics yet but once they are married then it’s ok for him to look at them.

  • Mari2

    October 24, 2014

    Ummof4…I totally agree with what you said about sex and culture. At least how M. explains it, in his country, within the confines of his tribe/family, a “good girl” only does it missionary, in the pitch darkness, partially clothed. Seriously. Also, he stated that his second wife is not to see him fully naked nor is he to see her fully naked. EVER. M and I have a good and halal sex life, but he said there is an intimacy between the two of us that he cannot have with her because he cannot ask of her and she cannot ask of him. Now perhaps these thoughts of his could change in the coming years. But the sexual rigidity/norms he explained to me stunned me actually.

    @Gail…yeah the showering thing. I too shower at night, every night because that’s how I relax before bed and because I go to the gym many nights too. When MIL got here, she couldn’t understand why I was always showering in the evening when M was at work, and we hadn’t even seen each other. And she was curious as to why M showered each morning when he returned from a long shift from work. Finally M explained to her the showering practices here have less to do with sex, and more to do with cleanliness. When I was in pak I didn’t shower much because a) eyeballs everywhere (how can a country with NO privacy have such a high birth rate?), and b) it was winter and freaking cold with no heat and only cold water. When I came back home I took a one hour hot shower.

  • ummof4

    October 24, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, I did not mean to imply that the sexual issue in your marriage was your fault. The tone of your writing indicated to me that you felt that you were a boring sex partner to your husband and that the person he is supposed to marry was an exciting sex partner. Your tone indicated to me that you felt inadequate since you said you were putting up the white flag and surrendering to the fact that she was better than you. My intent was just to give you food for thought about yourself, your husband and your sex life before the other woman even entered the picture.

    Some of you may not like or agree with what I am going to say next, but here goes. In certain cultures and certain families, even here in the US, “good girls” are taught that they are not supposed to enjoy sex. They are taught that to enjoy sex, to initiate sex, to ask for sex, indicates that they are sluts, dirty women with no morals. When these “good girls ” get married, they are unaware of the joys of sex and see sex as a chore that they must endure with their husbands. When the husbands suggest any position other than the missionary position, they refuse; if he suggests any sexual activities besides sexual intercourse in the missionary position, they refuse. They want to remain “good girls”. Even if they enjoy sex, they cannot let their husband know and repress their pleasure. They are not even supposed to have wet dreams or orgasms.

    And men are often taught the same thing. They must marry a “good girl” for “good children” and a “good marriage with no drama”, but they don’t expect her to enjoy sex. They only do the missionary position with their wife because that is all that “good girls” are supposed to do. These men will often fantasize about other sexual acts they would like to try, but cannot do with their wife. Some just lead a boring sex life with their wife; some resort to pornography; some commit adultery; some marry other wives that they feel will not be a “good girl”.

    Often these men and women feel that even if the husband suggests something different, the wife must go along with it, even if she dislikes it; after all, the wife has to please the husband, she is not deserving of any pleasure of her own.

    Both these men and women do not understand the roles of spouses in marriage with regards to sex. If you read the Qur’aan and Hadeeth concerning sex, you will find that both husband and wife are supposed to please each other. The husband should make sure that the wife is pleasured before he receives all of his pleasure. The child resembles the parent who had an orgasm first. The list goes on.

    We need to banish the “good girl” myth and free up men and women to enjoy sex as husbands and wives. If we all enjoyed sex the way that we are supposed to, who gives or gets the better sex would cease to be an issue in monogamous or polygynous marriages, and everyone would be smiling all the time!

    Okay all husbands and wives out there, let’s make each other tingle and smile! I always smile when I wear my garments that Allah has blessed me with. Allah created us to be garments for each other.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2014

    I dunno; I don’t think it’s Ina who is the problem. I think it’s her husband and HIS PROBLEM. He’s got this 25 year old supposed “virgin” and now, suddenly, he’s having some physical difficulties with Ina and it’s her fault? Ina could have been doing her husband day and night and every which way but up and it still wouldn’t prevent him from going and getting the girl.

    We have to be careful not to put the blame on the wife. It’s his body and his problem. She was doing it for him before (getting him excited and he rose to the occasion). Now suddenly we make it Ina’s problem for his body malfunction? Is that right to do?

  • ummof4

    October 23, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Gail, as Muslims we have to take a ghusl(full body washing, not exactly the same as a shower) after we have sexual intercourse, after menses and after childbirth. This is to be clean for making salah. When we are on our menses we do not have sex or make salah or fast. The missed days for the fast of Ramadan have to be made up later, but the missed salahs do not have to be made up later.
    Ina, don’t wave the white flag about sex. I have a few questions for you that I don’t want you to answer, just think about them.
    1. Do you truly like having sex with your husband or is it something that you truly do not like much?
    2. How often were you and your husband having sex before he met and became engaged to the woman in his home country?
    3. Are you adventurous with sex or do you think you are boring?
    4. If you think sex with your husband has been boring, are you willing to try new activities/positions that are halal?
    5. Do you know how to get your husband in the mood to have sex with you and how to get yourself in the mood to have sex with him?

    Sex should be fun, exciting, and pleasurable, not a chore. One thing you might try is going to a nice meal and then to a hotel for sex without the children (leave them with a babysitter for the day of for the night). It seems like you are going on a real date and takes your mind off the day to day activities of being a wife and mother; you are just a husband and wife, man and woman.

    Believe me, you have the same body parts as the woman your husband is planning to marry. As husbands and wives we are supposed to use those body parts to please each other in all ways that are halaal.

    Everyone, continue to get the blessings of sex within marriage!

  • Ruqayyah

    October 23, 2014

    Ana the thoughts are clearly from shaytan cause they are what he wants, to break up a good marriage and create havoc in our lives. I be good to my husband firstly cause Allah wants us to be nice to everyone, shouldy husband not be more deserving of my kind treatment? How can I face Allah having taken money from this man (amongst all the other good things Allah has blessed me with in my husband) and treated hom badly? Will Allah be pleased with that? Yes my other goal of attaining jannah is bigger and better but I also want a good happy marriage and there’s nothing wrong with that. Yes it hurts thst he would be chosing to be with me less but me treating him so differently will not give me the marriage or home I want. I’ll stay stuck forever in a depressed lonely state. What’s the benefit of that? It feels good at the time cause you make them hurt as they hurt you and it feels nice, but its not a good action or one pleasing to Allah therefore it’s goijg to cause more harm then good

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2014

    Ruqayyah,

    I get you are struggling with why you should love your husband and treat him all kinds of good ways when he doesn’t want to be with you all the time, everyday, as he opt to have another wife. You said you do so to create a good marriage. You said you understand the thoughts you have are from Satan and you have to fight the feeling because you want to create a good marriage.

    Based on what you wrote, your emphasizes is on creating a good marriage. You said the thoughts about why you should do certain things for your husband when your husband does what you do not like are from Satan. How do you know the thoughts are from Satan and what do you do to fight the thoughts you have from Satan? How do you create a good marriage? Those are all questions you need to contemplate and answer for yourself.

  • Ruqayyah

    October 23, 2014

    Mari2, I get what ur saying about why compete to be the favourite. It frustrates me because I feel like why should I love the man who hurt me and try to make him feel good and loved and nice when he didn’t care about what made me feel good and loved and nice etc (ie staying the only wife and seeing my daily).
    Sigh, but really this is from the shaytan. We need to fight this feeling. We make him feel loved and wanted because it is what creates a good marriage which is what we want. A good man will not flaunt who his favourite is as he also wants to please Allah and create a good loving marriage with each of his wives.
    The thing I really struggle with is accepting that it is OKAY to still love him even if he marries again, even if he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him. Still loving him is okay and it does not make me pathetic or desperate or it doesn’t mean I’m settling. When I get that realisation I feel peaceful, it may not last long, but it makes me feel like my whole world doesn’t have to turn upside down, we can have a good marriage still (by the will of God.)
    I hate that women pretend to hate sex, seriously. I got raised by a mother who spoke so badly of sex that I have always felt ashamed of wanting it. Matched with a culture (and I say culture not religion cause our religion acknowledges that women have desires as well) that puts down women who have any desire… I used to get seriously depressed any time I wanted anything, cause I felt like there was something wrong with me. This is probably why I take rejection so badly lol.

  • Gail

    October 23, 2014

    Fatima,
    I really can’t say because India is a different country but in Pakistan the marriage will be registered at the girls village/city mosque and with the union council in her village.I asked my husband and he said all marriages are registered.So I would not be surprised if India works the same way or similar if that helps u out.It would be very hard I think since they have a child already to change the dates to be honest.Immigration is not Stupid that baby was born before marriage.I am not saying it doesn’t happen but For certain the child would raise a red flag if he tried that crap.
    Yeah I would be afraid to go back to India if I was him to because he lied with that family by not coming forward and telling them about u and in their mind ruining their daughters life.It is to be expected in this circumstance.None of this was your fault or your cowife’s fault.I wish these things would not happen but until men are going to stand up and tell their families they have taken a foreign wife this will continue to happen.
    My case was opposite of yours because the entire family knew but me.I think both ways is pretty common but really it boys down to the men being immature when it comes to marriage and telling their families.
    I really would not worry about him bringing her here I doubt he could get by with it and I am fairly certain an attorney has already told him as much.The best he can hope is to file immigration for his son.Even I don’t know how that is going to fly either because what he did is going to all come out in the wash with immigration.I don’t know how immigration handles children born in polygamy marriages.
    In my case my husband was smart and legally divorced cowife before he married me.Cowife was pregnant and my stepdaughter was born one month after my husband and I married.I was worried about if they would question hubby why the child was born after divorce so after reading all the immigration papers I sat and thought and figured out that I would file for my stepdaughter immigration to America so they would not quiz me on that matter.lol Sure enough Embassy in Pakistan did ask my mother inlaw why I was filing immigration and not the child’s father.I had told my mother inlaw before hand that if they ask this question to tell them that her father is not a USA citizen and her stepmother is.
    I always try to think 10 steps ahead.lol it worked perfectly and my daughter was here with permanent resident status in 7 months time.
    I thought I would share that with u.I filled so may immigration forms over the years I picked a few things up along the way.lol

  • Gail

    October 23, 2014

    Ina,
    Yeah I remember u saying something about your soon to be cowife is a little wild woman.lol
    Ina I don’t want to get to personal with u but do u have desire to be more wild now that u know hubby is responding and enjoying with your soon to be cowife? I am just curious where u stand on the topic.If u had to rate yourself from 0-10 and 0 being no sex and 10 being wild wild where would u rate yourself.I only ask u this to get u to start thinking.So many times we as woman are so busy dealing with everyone and doing chores,work,kids,etc…by the time bed roles around we r dog tired and feel like sex is yet just another chore.Obviously with your cowife being a virgin and no children and being able to shower your husband with all her attention is a huge turn on to him is my thinking.
    Now in saying that does that make u any less NOPE it doesn’t.Now this is me and my opinion and u can take it for what it is worth but If I was going through what u r going through I would for sure figure out whats going on and where I think the problem is and work towards fixing the sex if u two are having problems in that department.
    My counselor actually told me that couples that have a great sex life covers a huge amount of other crap and I agree with what she said.
    So please do not wave the white flag and give up.I think u said he is acting up with u and u two were not having sex or having alot of sex these days if I remember correctly.I would encourage u if he is acting up then u take the bull by the horn and tie him up and go wild.lol Well u get the point I mean to say Don’t take no for an answer.If he don’t respond the first time who cares keep going.If u are determined to stay in the marriage keep going and don’t stop because u will wear him down and he will come around he is a man after all.You have rights on your husband the same as he has rights on u and u need to exercise your rights if u ask me.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 22, 2014

    Wow Gail.. thanks for all the info.. you sure should be a immigration lawyer girl.. lol
    I sometimes worry that couisind family puts pressure on him because he seems scared to even go back to India..
    I was wondering also. IF we ever did get a divorce.. would he be able to somehow change his marriage date to cousin, to show he married later??
    not that would happen, but u never know.. I hear these men can be sneaky..
    I have my guard up.. saving up assets because like you said.. who knows what might happen in retirement years.
    Your so helpful Gail.. you really are.. Im happy you found your way back here..
    Hugz to you

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Gail,

    It is true; we have to bathe after we have sex, before we offer salat (prayer). It’s not about having to shower after sex, but about being pure and clean before making contact with our Creator, during salat (prayer). It’s about doing a gusul (bath) before salat. If one is on her menses, she could wash up after sex, and take her time about showing later, as she doesn’t have to get it done immediately, as she can’t offer salat.

    It’s funny because it is the same thing that happened in the movie, “Not without my Daughter.” She too showered daily and people thought she was having sex daily. LOL

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Ana,
    No I didn’t catch what Lah wrote to coco that time but considering the culture and the girls(even my own sister inlaws) they act like they don’t like sex and I really think that is the normal thing to do there.
    Logically speaking if u think about it they really can’t have sex during the daytime hours because people r in the home and at night they do not sleep until very late.This creates an issue for both husband and wife because they have to shower after sex.I am assuming this is an Islamic thing and with everyone being soooo shy about sex they do not want to have sex and shower because everyone will know they just had sex.lol
    Now u try to imagine me coming from USA and living in Pakistan.I showered late at night anyway and yes I was getting sex daily but D@mn I did not know all this until years later.I can just imagine what everyone thought.Hubby and I were banging like rabbits.hahahah When hubby told me I got shocked and screamed why u not tell meeeee! HE said u liked showering at night and start laughing.I got angry and he got serious and said”You better not” knowing my next move.I punched him! hahah

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Mari2,

    Nicely said I’m with you!

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Gail,

    Do you know what you just said? You stated, “he start telling me that she had this game that they would have sex only once a week and tease each other the rest of the week.I died laughing so hard and asked him “How did that work for u” laughing like a lunatic and knowing my husband likes sex more than once a week.”

    It coincides with what Lah, or which ever personality it was, said to coco. Remember she said coco husband’s wife and he probably play this game in which they look at each other, wanting each other, and teasing each other, not being able to wait until they can get with each other (sexually). Coco, and I’m sure most us, thought she was living in her imaginary world.It could be the what the women are taught to do there Now, thinking back to it, it sounds like something a teenager would say LOL

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Gail,

    Your posts about what may be happening with Fatima’s husband is an eye openers. You crack me up the way you write, as well. Although what you write about is serious, as I’ve stated before, I still find myself chuckling none the less. It’s the way you word things.

    Ohio is a very nice State to live in from the little I know. I’m excited for you about your adventure. I hope everything works out nicely for you.

  • Mari2

    October 22, 2014

    Why compete to be a favorite wife? Why bother? All the competition between wives does is put a husband on some sort of pedestal. Ridiculous. Like he can give birth or something. And when a man asks/infers/suggests that a wife should compete for his heart, or his mother’s favoritism…that’s when a woman should concern herself with placing herself below the radar for hubby and family, and put herself on the radar with Allah. Best thing I ever did for myself was admit that I cannot please others so I best please Allah instead. My husband isn’t going to be my ticket into jannah. Dealing with his his mother isn’t going to give me carte blanche into heaven either.Allah DOES NOT ask me to compete. HE only asks me to be the best I can be as the person HE created. ALLAH does not judge me me by whether or not I birth sons, how well I cook food, how pleased my in-laws are with me,or whether or not I engage in tittle-tattle with my husband’s gossipy relatives. Allah is not concerned with my lack of a henna party,my desire NOT to be a part of a 3 day wedding fest, and wanting a simple Islamic marriage (aunties may never recover btw). Cultural crap is not on Allah’s radar.

    The point is that I feel/believe that Allah brought me to my husband after great hardship in my first marriage, and I am happy and love my husband greatly and thank Allah always. It is HIS will. My husband will marry another and that is a fact and the will of Allah. To engage in any competition with her is to engage in competition with Allah. Will Allah test my patience/me in the coming year? Sure. Will there be obstacles to overcome? Most likely. But did Allah send this girl to my husband and me in an effort to make HER my “competition”? No. Where is the logic in that? Why would Allah require me to compete against a sister for my husband’s affection? Isn’t fairness and equity in a plural marriage my husband’s burden? Why should I have to compete for the love or acceptance of a man? Sheer folly. And such earthly effort will be met with naught.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    @Ina,

    You said you dislike that you should be nice to hubby while you are hurting. You don’t have to be nice to hubby. Be yourself. Don’t pretend to be something you are not. Who said you have to be nice to him?

    I would surmise that you do not feel like being nice to hubby because you fault hubby for how you feel right now. You are bitter and angry with hubby, as you think he is responsible for what you are going through. If it’s the case, I understand you not wanting to be nice to hubby. If he is nice to you, you be nice to him. If he is not nice to you, you not be nice to him.

    Where does Allah fit in to the equation? All of the above sounds that it’s about you and your hubs. At that rate you probably will hurt for a goooood loooooong time, cuz it doesn’t appear anything is going to change, as far as we can see. Insha Allah, he will marry the girl and continue to cater to her. You will continue to dislike it, and will continue to hurt and so the story goes.

    Oh, I forgot. You could do what some do. Keep your husband, get yourself a boyfriend on the side, have peckers coming at you from every which way, everyday, and have a breakdown. See how it works for you and the kids.

    Divorce is on the table as well.

    Or, you could, if you believe, accept that Allah decided a polygamous marriage for you. Don’t blame yourself, nor blame your husband for what’s happening, and try to rack up some good deeds. I would only say be nice to your husband, as it’s what Allah expects of a person when someone hasn’t done anything wrong to us. We should be kind and just.

    It’s on you to make your intent as to what you intend to do…

  • Ina

    October 22, 2014

    Gail, big difference between my future co-wife and your exco-wife is that mine like sex. So much so that she wants to continue to do it over cyberspace with hubby until they get married and can’t wait 3 days for sex once they are married.

    It’s clear to me that we started having problems in bedroom around same time that hubby started sexual relations (not intercourse) with her. Despite the fact that she is virgin, she knows a lot about sex and how to be sexy. So yeah, I wave my white flag in this aspect of the competition.

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Ina,
    I read your post about u saying u can’t compete with your cowife because she is younger and sexier etc….LET me tell u girl that is not true at all.
    I am 12 yrs older than my excowife and I am not going to lie she is very beautiful and slender and petite girl and i thought my husband was sexually into her.BOYYYYYYYYY was I dead wrong.I had all these images of them being all romantic with each other etc… My brain went way south for awhile and I went mental to be honest stressing out about him loving her more than me and finding her sexy and all because she was younger than me.Now looking back I laugh myself to tears thinking how STUPID I was to think such nonsense seriously.
    When the cat got let out of the bag her and I started talking and mercy me she flat let me know she don’t like Sex and don’t know much about it other than your standard missionary position.I asked hubby what the heck she is talking and he said yeah she is saying true and he start telling me that she had this game that they would have sex only once a week and tease each other the rest of the week.I died laughing so hard and asked him “How did that work for u” laughing like a lunatic and knowing my husband likes sex more than once a week.He just said she is STUPID.From that day I start figuring out little by little things were not as I exactly thought.
    I noticed my husband and cowife ages seem to be more of a liability than an asset.There was 10 yrs between them and my husband ran all over her and she let him.With me on the occasions he tried to run over me I punched him in right in the face to be honest.Needless to say after a couple times of running his mouth he started keeping his trap shut.
    Hey Ana I think I just figured out why Hubby goes all silent on me like seriously .hahahahhahah

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Alison,
    I think that is sooo great u can see how far u have come in such a short amount of time.I know for me when I was going through the anger and jealousy phase it was dang hard for me to listen to people and their feel good medicine.lol I was in pain and I wanted my husband and cowife to know I knew they screwed me over hahaha. Looking back I think dang I have changed so much.I can’t say I don’t still get upset but it is alot less and spaced far apart now.I am enjoying my husband and kids and life to be honest.I don’t really see polygamy being part of my life anymore simply because my husband is so against it to be honest.I find it soooo strange that I started out against Polygamy and he was for it and we did a complete switch a roooo.lol
    I still to this day can’t totally figure out my husband past logic other than he was immature in his thinking at the time.I will say this I do think it is very very very hard to mix cultures when it comes to 2 different woman at least that is my experience in Polygamy.I think Polygamy stands a better chance if both wives have the same background in my opinion esp…. if they r living together in the same home.
    Some of the other woman here might have a different opinion and experience than me though.
    That would make for an interesting topic.lol

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Fatima,
    One last thing.Don’t talk to him about it the reason it is a sore topic is because he knows it will do no good to divorce u.He is caught in a catch 22 so to speak and he has no one to blame but himself.I hope that kind of helps u to piece the puzzle together.

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Fatima,
    Even u would not have to report him to immigration understand because when u file for a spouse visa they ask if u have ever been divorced and in your husbands case he would have to divorce u in order to bring cousin here.They ask for divorce papers and they will see he divorced u after he married her and that he married her while still married to u.They look for that hard and heavy.I thought I would mention that just in case u might not know. So yeah her family would be smart enough to figure that little piece of info out and feel like they got screwed to say the least.

  • Gail

    October 22, 2014

    Fatima,
    Yeah u would think it has slowed down but my father inlaw left for Pakistan and I took over his truck for the rest of the season.I go out on Fri,Sat,Sun.
    We will stop the season officially in Nov. and restart no later than March 1.
    Hubby has decided to take a HVAC course to start a heating and air business so we will be busy this winter together studying that and I am trying to plan a trip to Ohio to go check out that state since we r planning to move there and buy up some real estate.I also found some lake front property 5 acres for 19,000 in Arkansas about 20 minutes from where I live we have a huge lake there and my kids love love going swimming there I am trying to close my eyes on that property.lol I see land and I just go nuts wanting to buy it.I am the same with homes,duplexes,apt u name it.
    I will give u my opinion on why his cousins family got angry.
    OK in Pakistan and I am pretty certain India is the same people see marriage as much as a financial transaction if not more so than love marriage. They always try to marry up from what I have seen.Now in saying that they would feel like they got shorted because lets face it he is married in USA with u and he would have to divorce u in order to bring second wife here.I know for a fact her family would be dreaming big and teased the girl she would be going to USA after marriage.The girl would have been really happy thinking her family caught her a big fish understand?
    Here is the sad part your hubby knew very well the girl and the girls family would be expecting him to take her to USA with him and this is what I hate in the Asian men.They have lived their entire lives under their parents and family and they r mentally immature and incapable of standing up and telling their families Hey I got married without your permission in another country.So they keep silent until the pressure starts to build from the parents and the girls family to put her immigration case then thats when the cat is let out of the bag understand and all HELL starts to break loose.My sincere guess is once the girls family found out about u they told his mom straight to divorce u and he tried to smooth it over and the girls family was not having none of it so the girl went back to her family and took the baby and her family basically told him either divorce you or he can go on the ignore list from their side.Now that is on way it could have went down.The second way it could have went down and is very possible is he told the girls family she will have to wait until he retires and then he will retire back to India with her.
    My excowife tried to tell me that hubby told her she had to wait on his until he retired and then he will move back to Pakistan with her.Obviously that was a lie because his sister is getting divorced from excowife brother so that cut all ties.I only mention the second case to u because I think some Asian men might really tell there Asian wives this because I do know alot of Pakistani men do tend to retire back to Pakistan because it is cheaper to live.
    Whatever her reasons are I would not concern myself to much about it to be honest simply because eventually everything is going to come out in the wash.Just make sure u have assets of your own in case he decides to up and retire back to India.
    I know in Pakistan in cases of divorce the father takes the children.Rarely if ever does the mother keep the children.I have only seen it in cases where the father is a very very poor and it is a daughter or if the father is a really bad druggy,prison low life even still though the kids will live in the fathers home majority of the time.Maybe times r changing I don’t know but thats what I personally have seen in cases of real divorce.
    I will tell u something else his cousin will not be able to immigrate to USA on a wife visa simply because they were married before u and him divorced understand?Their marriage certificate shows he is practicing Polygamy or Bigomy whichever so no can do on her coming to America.Immigration is not accepting on that issue.

  • Ina

    October 22, 2014

    It’s instinctive for us to want to compete in most aspects of my lives. When I was younger, my father would often compare me to my best friend to make me want to do better or at the least the same from simple things like she’s cooking for her family already so you should start learn to cook too (I was barely in my teens). My friend would say parents would do the same to her too.

    As I said before, I don’t feel like I want to or need to compete with the other. I do dislike the thought that I should be extra nice to hubby when I am hurting. Why should he have his cake and eat it! I guess the other reason is that I don’t think I can compete with her. She’s younger, sexier, new, more exciting and probably more fun to be with.

    However, this post is good reminder that we should be doing things to please Allah and not the husband. It’s comforting that I can and should compete on righteousness.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    @Fatima,

    I could understand she is terribly upset about how your husband went about marrying her and that he deceived her; however, it’s no excuse for her to prevent him from seeing his son. She better thank Allah much that he sends funds to her for the child’s support.

    As long as you and your husband stay mindful of Allah when sending the money, Insha Allah, you’re racking up a lot of barakats (blessings). It’s what is most important.

    I could certainly understand your husband being upset about how things have turned out. He was doing what was expected of him from a cultural perspective. He got sucked into something he apparently didn’t really want any parts of. It’s a huge mess.

    He’d probably feel better, if he were able to talk about it. It’s weird how men hold their feeling inside sometimes.

    You do have a fulfilling, busy life, enough to keep you preoccupied and not have your mind on what’s happening on the other side of the planet. Every day is a blessing. “Every day above ground is a good day”

  • ~Fatima~

    October 22, 2014

    @Ana..
    The only reason I can come up with why they dont let him or his mother see the child is because perhaps they were angry they found he had me over here..
    I did however tell him if she wanted to come here that I would like to meet her.. I asked him why she would not approve of me.. because even my hudbands grandfather had 2 wived in India. but I think its because my husband was sneaky about how he did things.. she beleived she was the only first wife and then finds out he already had a wife for years before he married her.. He didnt tell me for months about his marriage to her .. and he didnt tell her about me for years either..He did us both wrong, so I dont blame her at all.

    But whats done is done, and we can only make the best of the situation as it is..Insha Allah
    Hes only seen his son twice and for just a few weeks each time and he will soon be 5 years next year.
    He wont talk about it much, so I just leave it..
    Meanwhile were working our businesses and living our daily life. Tomorrow is never promised to us so I try to live each day as if it were my last..
    A new day is always a blessing.
    @ Gail..I guess the ice cream business has slowed down for the season by now?
    Im just happy your test for cancer was negative..
    @Alison
    I know exactly how you feel about one day your in good spirts and the next your an emotional mesd.. ughh
    but we always survived the emotional days.. and we carry on..

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Umm zay As Salaamu Alaikum

    Welcome. I’m glad you’re here and thank you much for sharing with us a little about yourself. We have some ladies here who married second in sequence. We try not to refer to ladies as second wives so we can stop the stereotype that wives who married in the order of second are in an inferior position to wives who married their husbands before them.

    All wives regardless of the number they have married in have jealousy and envy issues that they need to learn to deal with. Some people think the wife who married 1st has it easier in polygamous marriages and some think a wife who married second has it easier. When it comes to jealousy I doubt either wife has it easier. Jealousy is jealousy and it’s not a nice feeling.

    I’m glad the post was helpful to you. We’d like you to stay and continue to comment, if you feel comfortable doing so. We welcome wives regardless of what order they married in. I’ve learned to see wives in a different light and it has come from wives such as you who have the courage and integrity to speak up and express their thoughts and feelings about what they’re going through. Alhumdulliah.

  • Umm zay

    October 22, 2014

    This is a brilliant piece of advice, this is something I battle with daily but after reading this feel more at peace with the situation alhamdulilah I think this us the best advice I have read to be honest. Also as I am a second wife I myself feel that he loves me less as I can in from a previous marriage with kids, but I do know my husband loves me very much but it still hard at times esp with jealousy as he has a foundation with the first and she has kids only for him and I have kids previous and for him also, sometimes I don’t feel as important or as stable as her, and for these reasons feel less loved or as special but alhamdulilah Allah has eased my heart with this advice

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2014

    Fatima, As Salaamu Alaikum, Good morning!

    I’m really happy about the blog and that all our blog family member are back. I like that we got a new, fresh, start. We removed all the original information and began anew. A lot has happened and we’ve all grown tremendously over the the 5 plus years.

    I agree with you that it’s better having people all come together here to be supportive of and to help one another. Constant boasting and bragging doesn’t help anyone, not even the person who does it. Looking back, I believe I was remiss in my duties as a moderator by allowing it to have exist here. I think I was simply trying to make the person feel comfortable being here amongst those who weren’t of the same faith. I could only ask Allah to forgive me and I learn from the experience. Insha Allah, I won’t repeat the behavior.

    Fatima, I think it would be quite nice for your husband and you to hook up with his son when he gets older, as his mother won’t allow it now. I have to ask what kind of Muslim woman refuse to allow the father of the child to see him when the father has done nothing wrong or hurtful to the child. Is it simply that he is polygamous? I know you wrote more details about it in another post to Gail. I haven’t read it yet.

    Anyhow, in the interim, just do what you do. You’ll be busy enough getting the girls through the rest of High School and possibly onto college. It’s all good. Your heart seems to be in the right place about your hub’s son. He should feel blessed to have you as his wife.

  • alison

    October 22, 2014

    @ gail happy for you my dear I wrote that in a different post in case you didn’t read it..thank I know what you saying and will try to get there I dont hate my co as a person she is an amazing person but as I was explaining earlier this is like my first year of polugamy and still going through the yoyo feeling. ..on this day I posted was feeling low..Most of the times am positive about it and know all these but at times sense and logic take a flight and craze sets up office in my head
    loool thanks so much all for putting things in perspective and for lifting us up when we down..much love
    most of the time am a punk and dont see that he loves me etc but his actions speak louder even a blind person sees how he cares for me. .the jealousy has gone down alhamdilila and the fights are almost nonexistent. .I will get there one day but with this blog I feel my progress is faster than if I didn’t have it I have come a long way..you should have heard me in jan I was one bitter angry woman but that passed lool

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Ana,
    OK I will check around and see if any of the kids can help me figure out thanks.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 21, 2014

    @Gail..
    My husband told me he gave the talaq 3 times to his cousin, but theres no proof in that in which I can see. Idont know if he had just said that or what.. but he has not been to India in 3 years now.. Cousin and her family wont let him see his son, not even his mother. My husband said they found out he was married over here.. Apparently, it didnt go over very well.
    We do send money each month for his son and her, even though they dont talk.. but at least he is supporting his son and they cant say hes not.
    But anyways, its always a bad subject if I ask about over there.. sigh….
    As far as the avatar, I cant remember if I got it in an email or through word press.. ? Lol.. my brain doesnt function sometimes.. haha

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    Fatima & Gail,

    Gail, I was going to let Fatima know that the avatar is connected to a person’s personal email.

    Fatima, you must have created your avatar with the email address that you use to log in here. It means your avatar shows up on any site that has the avatar feature set up.

    Gail, upload a picture to your email account that you use to log in here. It’s a profile pic and it should do the trick. You’d have to upload from your computer the photo you want to use. Maybe your 9 year old could help you out with it. I’m not trying to be funny. The kid sounds like a genius. The little guy could probably shame me on the use of a computer.

    Gail, I think your avatar suits you. It’s representative of a studious person, a librarian or teacher. Your posts come across that way, as well, to me. The avatar definitely doesn’t look retarded. I’ve seen retarded looking avatars here and yours isn’t one of them.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back. I think I may need to do a part 1 and 2 for the discussions, as I think there will be too many comments in a month if I don’t break them up into two categories.

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Ana,
    I died laughing soooo hard because that is exactly what I would say to my husband if he did not acknowledge all my hard work and I have flat told him to F off.lol He says I am one big mouth woman and he is totally right.I am getting better but I doubt I will ever pass the patience test in this lifetime.I will need a few more lifetimes to master that.lol
    \
    Alison,
    My best advice to u is just know that u have alot of people in your life and u love them all differently it is the same for everyone including your husband.If u can understand this concept u will eventually move on from worrying about if he loves u or her more because the real truth is not about more but how he loves u ladies differently.
    He may love u because u are a hard worker or maybe he loves u because u r a dumb silly blond understand or u may have high morals.It will not just be one thing but the entire package and it goes the same for his other wife.
    I want to say this and some people may agree and others may not but does it not seem logical that if u loved and truly cared for your cowife the same as u do your own blood brother or sister u wouldn’t care who loved who more because you would also love your cowife just as much as your husband.Yes u would love her in a different way obviously but at the end of the day love is love.Is it possible that u don’t love her or maybe even like her so these emotions of throwing up oh he loves cowife more than me really is about you and your cowife relationship which has nothing to do with your husband?
    Alison even if don’t love or like her fine but if u can stop making her a rival in your head and accept that he loves u both in different and unique ways I think it will help u much.
    Ana is exactly right u need to stay focused on G.D/Allah and stay on the straight and narrow path so to speak.Don’t look right or left just forward.If u do that and focus on being a morally good wife u will see over time u will start to notice your husband really taking notice and respecting u and your morals.I am sure your husband already does respect u but I just wanted to remind u with love comes respect.

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Hey how do u make your own avatar.My avatar looks retarded.LOL

  • Gail

    October 21, 2014

    Fatima,
    Thank u I am also so happy I got an all clear.I have learned so much about breast cancer so this month was not time wasted although I will not lie I was upset for my children.
    I have a new found respect for anyone going through cancer and not in a feel sorry way anymore but more like Hey I understand where u r coming from.
    I was listening to Suzanne Summers and she was saying how we as Americans have dumped so much money into trying to find a cure for Cancer and the doctors stand up and advocate we r working on finding cures etc… She flat said with the numbers they show it is disgraceful and there must be a better more sane way to approach cancer.Whatever peoples views are about Cancer I have the utmost respect for anyone that has gone through it.I really do.
    On a different note I wanted to tell u that I know u were upset when u first found out about your husband getting remarried.I honestly think u have the makings to be a terrific cowife.I feel u and I have come a very long ways and we we both were in the exact same circumstance of are hubbys being married to cousins.
    I don’t know if I ever asked u or not but is your husband still married to his cousin or did they officially divorce.I swear I can not remember.

  • Spirited

    October 21, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    @Marie, Nouman Ali Khan’s lectures are really nice, especially because he usually puts things into a modern perspective or gives modern examples and always speaks with verses from Quran. 🙂 What you spoke about, he’s mentioned in a few different lectures (as far as I’ve seen). When I don’t forget, I try to watch a lecture every night or at least once a week. They’re usually only an hour and I would say worth the time!

    @Ana, lol your emoticons crack me up, I still remember the silly gorilla you had put up a little while ago. This is also a good topic.

    I still need to work on this myself. Sometimes its difficult to not feel like a doormat that has super-dirty feet constantly wiped on. Ah well, I’m trying my best 🙂

  • alison

    October 21, 2014

    Hey fatima thanks so much yes its true this site acts as a counsellor and a support system. …I will try not to let it bother me

  • Marie

    October 21, 2014

    Wa alaykum asalaam Ana,

    It’s funny you spoke of weather one does things for reward from Allah or people.
    I was just remembering a lecture/talk by nouman Ali khan. It was about advising people on the deen/giving them a reminder. He said if you remind someone and they ignore you or say you are wrong, and you become angry or upset with them, then know you only wanted to display your knowledge and make the other person feel sh$t. If you say Ok fine and go about your business then for sure you was only speaking the truth, when the truth needed to be told.

    I put it in my own words, as I couldn’t remember his exact wording.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 21, 2014

    @ Ana
    I wonder what my avatar would have looked like on here.. I guess when you brought the site back up, my old avatar was still on here.. lol

  • ~Fatima~

    October 21, 2014

    @Gail
    Congratualtions on the good news..
    I am so happy to hear that.. We all sometimes tend to worry about something that may never even happen.. But I sure did understand your concern.. I worry about things that never ever happened and in my mind, it was already a bad thing.. hahah
    I call it borrowing trouble.. hahah
    @ Alison..
    Try not to let photos of your hubs and co upset you.. It sounds like your husband really does love you and care about you a lot.. Im sure if co saw photos of you both, she would feel the same.. Its only natural.. We all feel the same I am sure..
    @ Ana.. your site here is doing great.. I am happy that we are not getting any people on here that are not good for the site..
    This site is suppose to be like a counselor for us,, at least that is how I look at it sometimes. We all counsel each other in helpful ways.. not making each one feel bad.. Its a good thing to have helpful advice and not anyone boasting and bragging about all the good they have when most on here are not so good in feeling what they are going through.
    I still have my bad days.. I think about the cousin in India, and I know one day he will want to bring his son here and I hope he does.. really I do and I have even had thoughts that perhaps his cousin could come here too, but as of right now, I dont see it happening.. Because they have forbidden any contact with his son.. but like his brother says, when the child gets older, then perhaps it will happen.. Inshallah.. I am definately supportive of it.
    I am at work here on my iPad Air, which is so much easier to type on then the phone..
    well I will check in later.. Hope you ladies all have a nice day

  • alison

    October 21, 2014

    Mashalaah anna you put it so beautifully guess I have a long way to go and may Allah make it easy in shaa Allah….you are so right and thanks for putting it that way it is sooo much clearer

    I need to purify my intentions and be conscious of Allah

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Marie and alison, you’re both on the right track. As long as we acknowledge where we need work, make our intent to get to work on the issues, and ask Allah for His help and guidance we’re moving in the right direction.

    A way to guage whether we have done something to seek the good pleasure of Allah or for someone other than Allah (It’s not good to do something for both Allah and a person, as it is shirk – making someone or something equal to Allah) is to see whether we get upset or angry when the other person doesn’t respond the way we’d like him or her to. When we do something seeking the good pleasure of Allah, we don’t look for anything from another person. We don’t expect a reaction. We don’t care how they respond.

    Let me give a made up example: a wife makes the best and most delectable dinner that she’s ever made. She slaved away in the kitchen all day to prepare the meal. She puts on a lovely outfit and beautifies herself, getting her sexy look on. She has the house spic and span clean, and has set the stage for a lovely evening. The husband comes home grumpy. He has a mean mug (face) on. He faintly says the salaam. He gets settled in, sits down, eats the meal and barely converse with the wife. He doesn’t notice all she’s done in preparation for a relaxing time and lovely evening with her husband. Does she get upset and angry and say, F%#k you! Maybe so, if she did all of the above for her husband. She wouldn’t get angry if all the time she had been remembering Allah, and wanted to do all she could to rack up barakats (blessings) to help her enter Paradise. It all got written in her book of good deeds that she will receive on the Day of Judgement.

    The husband may be a flaming A hole. It’s his problem. He has hurt his own soul by not being grateful to Allah for all that Allah placed before him. Everything the wife had done was from Allah. Had the husband treated his wife nicely, and was receptive to all the wife had done, thanking Allah for it all, he would have had a chance to add some good deeds to his book. We all need all the good deeds that we can get.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yes, Insha Allah, absolutely you may quote me in your book about anything I’ve said on this blog. I like what you said in elaborating on the post. I think many women go into denial when it comes to whether they love one of their children more than another. They make all kinds of excuses for it instead of simply acknowledging that it’s a reality. I know some people who will swear up and down that they love all their children exactly the same when one can clearly see they favor one over another. I don’t think they know it’s normal and okay, as long as the parents treat their children fairly and justly in other areas that they have a say in how things are done and what they do, as you indicated. It’s good you made the clarification about fair and just treatment and physical and emotional abuse; although, I’m sure, we all here knew exactly what you were speaking of. There are other people out there in cyberspace just waiting to twist what the truthful say and lie about it. I’m working on ignoring those people and leave them for Allah to deal with, as He says in the Holy Quran that He will.

    You and Gail both gave nice examples of how husbands could love their wives for the different attributes that the wives have. We are all different. If Allah wanted us all to be the same, He would have made us that way.

  • ummof4

    October 21, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I think I will quote you in my book, if I have your permission. This post is a great reminder. I have to mention again that there are similarities between multiple wives and multiple children. As you said, wives should worry about competing for Allah’s love, not their husband’s. Just as children should not be depressed, suicidal or an emotional wreck if the parent(s) favor seems to love one child more than the others.
    Of course, I am speaking about fair and just treatment, not physical and emotional abuse of one wife over the other or one child over the other.
    A while back I wrote a post about the favorite wife and how wives can be favorite in different areas. One may be the better cook, one may be the better nurturer, one may be the better student or teacher. What is most important is how multiple wives are treated by the husband.

    Everyone have a successful day and remember Allah often.

  • alison

    October 21, 2014

    This is something am also straggling with…my hubby loves me a lot and it is evident in his actions alhamdulila..but it takes one thing and I go blurting how he loves co more and prioritizes them more etc but it is satan doing that and worse I blieve it sooo much and he always tells me I only wish you knew the truth and then satan of course tells me why ofcourse he always tells her the same

    I swear it drives me so mad at times and it is something am fighting against now..to just be happy if I stop and look I really have a happy marriage and he is good and just…like I saw pictures of them together on his phone it depressed the hell out of me am like you love her more blah blah how come you dont have mine…he is like I dont take photos she is always pestering me..if you want ask and snap well u dont like photoals and feel it is going to be childish to compete at that level as who has the most photos

    anyone just blabbibg but thanks for this reminder I should focus all my attention to Allah and not fighting for his attention which to be honest just an ego boost for his testosterone

  • Marie

    October 21, 2014

    Nice post Ana

    I tend to be horrible to my husband when I think he’s lost some love for me. I don’t want to be acting all lovely to find out he loves me less. It would be a nasty surprise. If I can get to a place where I don’t care. Then it really makes no difference how much anyone in this life/world love me. This is a great reminder

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    I want to let everyone know we have this new post/thread, which is the purpose of this comment.

    I thank you all for being here and for showing your love and support for one another. Love to you all Alhumdulliah for this blog and Alhumdulliah for all of you here who help make this blog what it is.