February 2015 Discussions

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February 2015 discussions

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February 2015 discussions

February 2015 discussions

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242 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2015

    Discussions for February 2015 are now closed. Please join us over on the March 2015 discussions forum:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/march-2015-discussions/

    It’s a pleasure to have you here with us at polygamy 411
    We are not accepting anymore comments on the February 2015 discussion forum
    February 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Good Day Everyone,

    Enjoy life!

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2015

    coco,

    I had watched “Gone Girl” again about a week ago. I watched “Still Alice” again last night. It makes it the third time for “Still Alice”. I cry every time I watch it. Insha Allah, I intent to watch “Whip Lash” again this evening. I haven’t watched “Birdman” yet, nor know what it’s about, but will add it to my list. I have American Sniper here, but haven’t watched it yet, either. When a movie is very, very good, I could watch it again and again with no problem and enjoy it every time. I loooooove a good movie.

    I can watch series with the hubz, but can’t get into them otherwise. It’s why I haven’t watched the series “How to get away with Murder” yet that Bibi suggested. I don’t know if I will get to it only because I don’t think it’s of interest to my hubz and I don’t have the attention span to watch a series alone LOL.

    I watch movies while he’s sleeping too. I’m a night owl. He has to get sleep, so he could get up and go to work. It sucks being him LOL. No, working is good. I’ve, however, done my time (working) he, he, he… It’s time for people to work for me or work won’t get done. I don’t see blogging as work; although it is. It’s something I enjoy doing, most of the time.

  • coco

    February 27, 2015

    Gail
    I think it’s better if you keep your distance with exco you know how people in Pakistan can twist words around and convert your good intentions into bad intentions in front of everyone. You’ve got a kind soul sister to still care. May you stay blessed with your family and lovely children ☺️ xo

  • coco

    February 27, 2015

    Bibiiiiiiiiiii
    I’m good family is good Alhumdulilah it was a stressful week but gonna relax this weekend, I started it off with a large cup of Coldstone hehehe I’m aiming to watch Birdman tonight. How are your lil pumpkins and things on your front? xo

  • coco

    February 27, 2015

    Ana
    Your take is way sensible than mine on Still Alice lol You’re right her character made you empathize with her and relatable to a loved one in many ways. Julianne has always been a very seasoned actress. I think I’ve gotta watch it again it didn’t help I saw gone girl again a few days before the Oscars! I’m looking forward to watching Whiplash as well it’s in my list of movies to watch along with Birdman, J.K Simmons looked like he gave a remarkable performance but not looking forward to the cussing! Anyways enjoy your weekend xo

  • coco

    February 27, 2015

    Assalaamualiekum sisters and a big hello to all!

    Ana I can see how it was impolite to use Urdu sentences I honestly didn’t realize until you pointed it out thank you sister and I apologize to you and everyone else here. Just so that everyone is in the loop I will translate our exchanges:

    Bibi: my dear? *How are you my dear?*
    ? *I’m fine life how are you?* (word for endearment) odd YES but makes sense in Urdu lol ☺️
    Bibi: *My life, how are your family members? May Allah keep you protected* ummmm I think something like that it has a big word I can’t explain well ☺️

    Lots of love to all ❤️

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and a warm hello to everyone,

    I’m hopeful everyone will have a lovely weekend. Insha Allah, we will begin a new discussion forum beginning Sunday, March 1st. I will see if I could write a post this weekend, as well. It’s quiet. So, I take it as a sign all is well and without incident. Allumdulliah!!!

  • anabellah

    February 27, 2015

    Gail, there you are 🙂

    It always seems so strange here without you. I’m glad all is going well for you and your family. I know your in laws must be so excited about your new home and their new room. It should be exciting and interesting to start the ice cream business in a new location. Insha Allah, it will be very lucrative for you there.

    It was very nice of you to want to reach out to your ex-co. It would be nice if your husband wasn’t so pig headed where she is concerned. After all, she is the mother of some of his children. I’m sure the ex-co is not happy. What is there for her to be happy about? I still can’t believe she blows off her own kids. Who does that.

    I’m in bed on my phone,just checking in. Insha Allah, We’ll chat soon.

  • Gail

    February 27, 2015

    Everyone,
    Sorry I went A Wall the last week.My inlaws made it back from Pakistan and we have been busy getting their room ready for them and getting their favorite foods in the home.Just been a really busy time.
    Bibi my little genius is doing great as always thanks for asking how r your kids doing?
    I haven’t had a chance to read though all the post yet but I really hope everyone is doing great!
    My inlaws reported to hubby and I that excowife is walking around free now but she is not happy.I mentioned to hubby maybe I should try to reach out and contact her but he said no.My sister inlaws divorce will be final in the next fews days it seems.Thats pretty much it from my side at this time.I am just waiting for the weather to clear up so we can start our mobile home park project and Ice Cream season.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2015

    @Bibi,

    You didn’t get a spanking for saying, “May Allah bless your home.” I had no clue what you said. It’s the point. It’s like whispering to another person when there is a third person in the room. It makes the third person feel uncomfortable. It’s impolite. Everyone has been blogging here in English other than the familiar Arabic words. I didn’t think I had to put it in writing that we should only speak in English or use the familiar Arabic words. Insha Allah, I will add it to the rules.

  • Bibi

    February 26, 2015

    I had a feeling I was going to get a spanking for saying May Allah bless your home. I must’ve read over that amongst the blog rules my apologies won’t happen again

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    A FRIENDLY REMINDER:

    We blog in the English language here at polygamy 411. It’s okay to use the Arabic Language that is known by the average Muslim, such as Alhumdulliah, Insha Allah, MaShaAllah etc.

    To blog to another person in a language other that English is not acceptable here. It’s quite rude, as well.

  • Bibi

    February 26, 2015

    @coco

    Meri jaan, Aap ke ghar waale kaise hain? Khuda aap ko apne hifz-o-amaan main rakhe
    Hehe, thank you for your beautiful post. May Allah set right all of your affairs. Stay blessed. Xoxoxo

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2015

    @maidlover, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah, you are married again, now. It’s nice to hear you had a nice honeymoon.

    You said men need to get in a new marriage to get refreshed. I never looked at it that way. I think when a man marries another woman, the man’s first marriage can become much better. The husband and the wife are forced to communicate, if they want the marriage to survive. They may begin to look at each other in ways they had never done before and see each other in a different light. They listen to each other and make an effort to work on areas that may have been problematic in their marriage that they had ignored. They begin to express more love and affection to one another.

    I don’t exactly know what you mean when you said you’d like to go with your new wife for sometime Do you mean you’d like to take her on another holiday? Do you mean you’d like to spend more time with her than scheduled? If you would explain, it would help me understand.

  • anabellah

    February 26, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    Coco, Hey There, you

    I’m glad you were able to get the mishaps under control, and got back to the bubbly, calm you. I didn’t watch the Oscars this year, as I didn’t see as many movies last year, as I usually do. About Rosemund Pike from “Gone Girl”, I actually didn’t think of her as a contender in the Oscars until you mentioned her. When I saw the movie, I thought it for Best Picture, but as I said, I didn’t see many movies in 2014.

    I would have chosen Julianne Moore over Pike, not only because she is one of my favorite actors,but because she performed so well in “Still Alice” that I empathized with her. Her performance made me sense how someone with Alzheimer feels. Her acting moved me a number of times in the movie, and brought me to tears. It made me imagine what it would be like if, for instance, my mom had Alzheimers. My wali’s mother-in-law passed away early last November, and had the onset of Alzheimers right before she died. As for Pike in “Gone Girl”, she played crazy. It was a good script, but I think anyone could do a good job at playing crazy. There was a WOW factor in the movie, but it wasn’t due to her acting. It was due to the story line. Those are just some of my thoughts on it.

    The night before last, I watched the movie, “Whiplash”, and really enjoyed it. J.K. Simmons won Best Supporting Actor and it was well deserved. He was excellent in the part. He seemed soooooo genuine. In fact, I liked his performance so much that I intend to watch it again. The movie made me think about what ballerinas go through. The movie made me thing about people and their dispositions, based on what Allah in the Holy Quran says about people. The only thing that was NOT good, is the profanity that Simmons had to use in the movie. There was a lot of it. The language was vulgar. It was a bit much to get through. Overall, however, I liked the movie very much.

    Good to here from you, my lovely sister. Much love to you too {{{hugs}}}

  • maidlover

    February 26, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you Ana and everyone for your valuable feedback.I am back. My marriage to the maid has to postponed. Finally happened on feb 2 2015. We had a great honeymoon. I feel refreshed. She is having good ideas of life. I agree men need to get into another marriage to get refreshed.When We came back was welcome by my first wife and kids. I feel like to go with my new wife for sometime. I feel wonderful after my marriage to her. Welcoming your suggestions.

  • coco

    February 26, 2015

    Anaaaaaaa
    I am trying to keep myself in high spirits although a huge costly mishap has been done by my craftsman that’s pushed me back a few weeks more! This just wasn’t my year CLEARLY! lol I had a low day yesterday but sat up all night figuring out all the numbers and tasks to rectify the mess and I felt better and back in control right away so today has been sunny on my side Alhumdullilah ☺️ Ooo I watched the oscars live and yes Juliane Moore got the Oscar it was expected but in a tiny corner of my heart I felt that Rosemund Pike deserved it more than her for her performance in Gone Girl… Don’t know if Bibi and you feel that way though. I loved Graham Moores speech as well for the best adapted screenplay it was very touching (I’m talking of the small white guy) Lastly I can’t go without talking of my favorite Oscar gown hehehe OMG! I loved Loved LOVED Emma Stone’s chartreuse toned gown I wanted to snatch it out of the tv screen, it was soooo gorj. Well that’s my take on the Oscars 2015 ☺️ Anyways my dear sister please remember me in your duas. Stay blessed!
    Much love xo ❤️

  • coco

    February 26, 2015

    Bibi
    Mai theek houn jaan aap kaisa hou? ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️ your “ap kaisi hain” put the hugest smile on my face babe! Someone’s got command on Urdu hehehe I’m soooo glad that “what is your heart looking at?” touched you just as much as it did me. Aren’t those the perfect words to live by? I’m really sorry to hear of your grandfather passing on, may Allah swt forgive his sins and grant him paradise inshAllah. Hope things are peaceful and well with you. Please do keep me in your duas I sure need them right now. Much love to ya sugaaaaaa xo ❤️

  • anabellah

    February 25, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    @Bibi,

    You are so right about the Quran being easy to understand. Allah says repeatedly in one surah of the Quran that He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. In other Ayat He says he places a veil between the reader and the Quran so they don’t understand it. Those readers he speak of are those who try to find something crooked in the Quran. If someone only pick up the Quran to find an answer to a particular question or to prove someone wrong about something, the person won’t receive understanding. A person has to sincerely read the Quran to learn it and live it for the person to receive understanding.

    If greedy people who want to eat whatever they see and want to eat, read the Quran, they would search for meaning to support their desire to eat and have authorization to eat. Anyone who believes and read the ayat that pertains to Halal food, would simply read the ayah that says the name of Allah must be pronounced over the meat at the time of slaughter, and would accept it. It’s plain and simple. It doesn’t take a scholar to interpret it. The Quran is not rocket science.

    I wrote the above quickly as I must run out and take care of business. Please excuse any errors.

  • Bibi

    February 25, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum everyone. InshaAllah you all are having a spectacular day. *hugs*

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    In case anyone who cares hasn’t heard, Julianne Moore won Best Actress at the Academy Awards for her performance in “Still Alice”. Alhumdulliah!!! It’s a movie we spoke of briefly here weeks ago.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’m with Bibi. You said it way nicely and clearly. You did that Very good, helpful post you wrote!!! Alhumdulliah! Your husband knows what time it is,too He seems likes a keeper.

  • Bibi

    February 24, 2015

    Ana I’d have to agree with you. A lot of Muslims or so called Muslims have misconstrued so much of the Quran. You can’t believe anything online not that I go looking anyway. The Quran is our manual for life and Allah explains each and everything even for the most simple minded. It dosent take a rocket scientist to comprehend the Quran.

    Ina I agree with you as well. You said it so nicely how other religions realign scripts well rules to fit modern day desires. Some Muslims do this too tampering the words of Allah. And it always comes back to bite them in the a$$

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    I didn’t go to the website Ina mention, but what she cited, ” “True islam is derived from Quran and not from traditions or cultures of Muslim people” is so true. People have mixed Islam with culture and tradition, and call it Islam. Most Muslims have absolutely no clue whatsoever what is in the Holy Quran. They think Islam is all about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They dismiss all of Allah’s other Prophets He speaks about throughout the entire Quran. It’s unbelievable that Muslims do it. I’m still astonished by it.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    I don’t try to learn anything online about Quran or Islam, especially not about Quran. I fell victim to reading a lot of material other than the Quran when I first became Muslim. I learned wrong information particularly about women and about marriage.

    It’s true a person can find anything they want online to support their desires. There are so many sects of Muslims out there giving people all kinds of information and interpretations. How do we think ISL/ISIS, al Quada, the Taliban and Boko Hakim or whatever came into being?

    I may reluctantly listen to a lecture or read some material people from the blog send me by way of email from time to time, but overall I stick to reading Quran. Allah teaches and Allah guides those who read the Quran with sincerity to learn it and live it. It’s my belief and I’m sticking to it. Allah brings believers together to rehearse the Quran and share what they know.

    Muslims lead people astray telling them they have to sit with this learned person and that learned person to lean the Quran. It’s a straight up lie.

  • Ina

    February 24, 2015

    As Marie pointed out, we have to be careful about what we read on the internet. Whilst researching wills and inheritance, I can across a website which argued (quite well) many things in the Quran which were contrary to mainstream beliefs. The heading of their website is “True Islam” and sub-heading is “True islam is derived from Quran and not from traditions or cultures of Muslim people”.

    Sounds good and I was intrigued until I read their article on halal meat which basically said that scholars have got it wrong when they insist that to make food halal the name of God must be uttered on it before slaughtering it. One of their arguments is:
    “By reading 6:114, we note that the command of uttering God’s name is related to what we eat in general and not just meat. Thus this equally applies to fruit, vegetables, biscuits, peanuts … etc … plus all types of drinks. Consequently, and since we cannot slaughter an apple nor a glass of orange juice, then the only method to obey God’s law is to utter His name before eating all foods (and not just meat).”

    And this is what they say about polygamy:
    “If we combine the content of 4:3 and 4:129 it becomes obvious that God is very clearly discouraging more than one wife. God only allows this action under very strict conditions and even when these conditions are satisfied, God still advises no more than one.”

    Clearly, it’s possible to the use Quran to make arguments to suit one’s desires.

  • Ina

    February 24, 2015

    @ Edith,

    I am glad you are back to talk us. I am so grateful that you came to blog to talk about wills and inheritance.

    So the scholars your daughters found say it’s fair that they get 50% of 900k dollars whilst the 2 sons get 1% of the inheritance? I find that hard to believe. That is a BIG difference in percentages. They do not recognise these 2 boys as sons of their father at all. They have chosen to use the law of the land to get as much as possible instead of obeying the laws in the Quran. I get the feeling you do feel a little guilty about this but cannot change the actions taken by your daughter.

    I agree with Gail that it is very sad when siblings see each other as enemies instead of blood related family.

    Gail said we must be crazy to think that the sons should get more that the daughters because we are not living 2000yrs ago. Part of me think yeah…that does seem unfair. Why I should get less than my brothers? But then my husband points out, I am being supported by a husband whilst my brother has to support his family. Logically, it then starts to make sense. People can argue society is different nowadays. Women go out to work, support themselves, help support their families etc. I was doing all this but now I haven chosen not to work or help support family. A good Muslim husband knows I am within my rights to do this and he has to take full responsibility for supporting the family. In the meantime, any money that I do have remains mine to spend as I wish.

    It’s dangerous (and wrong) to say that what is written in the Quran does not apply in the current times. Christians are good at doing this…always changing/updating their rules to suit the modern era. This in effect becomes man-made laws and not laws laid down by God/Allah.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Bibi,

    I had a feeling you missed Edith’s initial post. It’s okay. It’s not easy keeping up with all the posts. Without a doubt, I’ve missed some. In fact, I had missed a whole bunch of coco’s posts when she first began to write here. I can’t remember what I was busy doing that put me way behind and I wasn’t able to go back and read them.

    @coco,

    It’s good to hear from you, sis. I know you’ve been extremely busy. You sound to be in good spirits, Alhumdulliah. Please stop in whenever you can. I love hearing from you.

    @Marie,

    It’s so true. People search the internet to find someone out there, a sheik, mufi, or Iman who will tell them what they want to hear. They then run with it. People want to satisfy their desires and seek, out rulings the help them do it. Satan has infiltrated our religion by which he lead people astray.

    @Edith,

    I don’t see the feedback that you received, as being spiteful. Do you not dislike your co-wife and dislike polygamy? Everything you wrote suggests you do. When a woman doesn’t notify her husband’s other wife that he is dead until after he is buried suggests hate to me. To not let her know till after he was buried does not suggest love or even like to me.

    As Marie said, Allah tells us how to treat people. He tell us to be just in our dealings with people. He says to be just is next to piety. He says don’t let your hatred of others make you transgress reason.

    You are correct that you don’t have to write a will to give your husband’s other wife what he didn’t. Nonetheless, it’s clearly spelled out in the Quran what children should receive from an estate when there was no will. Although your daughters think it “arcane”.

    Even if you don’t believe your husband and the woman were married, they had sons. Some of us thought it would be a nice gesture for you to let the wife and children remain in the home at least for a year; although, your husband didn’t do as he was supposed to and leave her a year maintenance. After all, you and your daughters took the children’s inheritance.

    Anyhow, what is done is done. It was the will of Allah. We all will account to Him for what we’ve done.

  • Bibi

    February 24, 2015

    Gail Dear I miss you and hope you and your children are happy and in good health. How’s our little brainiac?

    Love and hugs.

  • Bibi

    February 24, 2015

    Salaams All

    @ummof4 You’ll be missed. Hurry back. Most importantly have a safe trip. May Allah bless you.

    @ana I must’ve missed the comments where Edith stated her reasons for not contacting the co immediately. Edith that’s not cool. Forget her being a co and see her as another Muslim, another human being. May Allah forgive you and guide you into the right direction to making right your wrongs for Allah is all forgiving and merciful.

    Zarifa, nushka welcome ladies. I’ll be back to read you two and give my input if the lovely ladies haven’t said it all already.

    Coco love hellooooooooo :))))
    Aap kaisi hain my dear??? So ecstatic to hear from you. I’m glad to hear you are doing alright. I miss your poetic quotes you post from time to time. I now live by the words you posted ” what is your heart looking at”
    Beautiful in every way. I shared with all my whatsapp friends and family and they’re in love with it too. Thanksss love. Take care of your self

    Hugs to mari2 Marie Laila and spirited. I miss Lynn and Alison. I pray they are doing well.

    May Allah shower His infinite mercy and blessings upon all of you and may He bless us with many more years to love and worship Him.

  • coco

    February 24, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a big hello to all the beautiful sisters!!

    I’m very tied up and stressed from the business front so sadly don’t get that much of a chance to get into the conversation going on here. I miss and think of all of you everyday. I really liked your post Ana and agree totally I would like to give a quick say in regards to Edith’s situation as well…

    Edith a late welcome to the blog ☺️ it’s also beyond my comprehension that you don’t fit it necessary to tell your co if your husband passes away on your day soooo soooo bizarre! His kids and wife deserved to know period! You know if you were in their place you’d be nothing but livid if your co did the same to you on her watch… As much as you hate to accept it he did love her as a wife or he wouldn’t have married her or had children with her, you are for certain a wounded woman every woman desires to be her husband’s only wife especially who walks in as a first wife… To you she must be a back alley wh@re who lured your husband into marriage which certainly isn’t the case as it takes two to decide on getting married BUT dIsregarding her just look at the two boys who are your dead husbands sons his blood, just to honour that man you must have loved and cherished do what you think he would have done or wanted, that would be right, that would be love, that would be selfless and that would be honorable. If we wrong others out of bitterness we hold close to our heart we plant seeds of regret, pain and brutal consequences. Your decision will play out in your and your daughters future, money comes and goes I have seen it make sure your intent is pure not tainted out of hate. I wish you well and hope you do what’s right for all 4 children in the picture good luck! xo

  • Marie

    February 24, 2015

    Edith, I agree with Ana that it took strength ect to state your case and I’m glad you did Marsh’Allah.

    You said it’s not been said (in quran) that co wives have obligations towards each other. Well, the term ‘co wife’ as far a I know is not in quran, but there are many ayat that tell us how we are to treat Muslims, your co is a Muslim so therefore their are guide lines on how to treat her.
    Do you think you treated your sister in faith (co wife) how Allah tells us to treat our sisters/brothers in faith?

    It appears you and your daughters do like a lot of Muslims, make your intention based on desires and THEN try to find justification in the quran, not forgetting to do a quick Google search to find a ‘scholar’ to agree with you. I mean if it says sheikh…… or mufti…….. then it must be right

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    @Edith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m very glad you are back with us. I questioned whether you would return, if you had read the feedback. I thought you possibly was reading along. It required strength and resolve to return and state your position. Thank you very much for doing so.

    I’d like to mention in response to what you wrote that a wife is the closest person to a husband along with his children. When a spouse is seriously ill, on his death bed or is dead, the wife is the first person to be notified IMMEDIATELY. When ANYONE dies, the next of kin, in this case the wife, is notified. The wife notifies all family members and friends. If you can seriously in you heart and mind say that the woman who your husband called wife, lived with, and bore him two sons, did not fall into the category of people who deserved and needed to be notified that their husband/father died, I have heard it all. It is beyond my comprehension. I am totally baffled by it. There is nothing in the world that could convince me to accept the way your mind is processing what has happened. It’s not logical in any sense of the word. Even if you don’t consider the woman a wife or you think the children are “bastards”, they were your husband’s friends and I’m sure he loved them.

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Sis, thank you very much for letting us know you will be away. I would certainly have missed you and wondered if you were okay. I always think of our regular blog family member here, especially when they drop out of sight unexpectedly. I pray Allah keeps you safe in your travels. {{{hugs}}}

  • ummof4

    February 24, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Just a quick note to let everyone know that I may be absent from the blog for about a week. I have to go to another state to take care of some family business. Take care and talk to you in about a week, In shaa’Allah.

    I will make du’ah for you all as I travel. May Allah keep us all safe and secure in our proper worship of Him and Him alone.

  • Edith

    February 24, 2015

    ASA

    You write things like I am stooping low and “did it” because I hate polygamy and co.
    I don’t understand these spiteful writings.

    There is nothing in the Q’uran that says co-wives have obligations towards each other. She was his responsibility, not mine. To write a will to give her things, like alimony for a year etc was his duty, it does not say that if my husband dies it becomes my duty.

    My daughters are grown. They believe like the limitations on slavery in Q’uran menas the practice eventually became arcane so do the rectifying in Q’uran that women did not inherit mean that women should get at least what is stated. Not “not more than”. They showed me scholars who agree. Anyway, they had already written a claim to the court for 50% so when you write I could have fought that, you are wrong.
    #2 has still not been able to show proof of nikah. She never had copy she says and her father is dead. Apparently also after revolution archives in Egypt have been destroyed she says. So no proof of nikah.
    You say a man need not have permission from wife for polygamy, simply because it does not say so. Well, it doesn’t say a wife who burys her husband on her day must tell the co!

  • anabellah

    February 23, 2015

    @Nushka,

    I think you are definitely not alone in having come to terms with a polygamous lifestyle once the initial shock is over. It seems those who really want to accept polygamy, even if they hated it to begin with, eventually take a liking to it in a strange kind of way.

    It’s a logical way of life. There are many benefits wives can derive from it, especially if the wives and the children all get along. Even if they don’t, there is a lot of good in it. Wives get a break from the husbands and free time, space to do all the other things they enjoy doing. If a wife is somewhat independent and not needy, if she hasn’t made her husband her world, she may find the lifestyle suits her nicely.

    You’re wise to note that even though the past poly relationship didn’t work for your husband, there may be another one in store for him. This way, you won’t fall asleep on him. You keep your eyes wide open and you won’t have to begin all over again from square one. I like how you phrased it; you said you don’t want to lose the “emotional growth”. I hear you. Well said. If a wife submits herself to God and to God’s Will one can’t help but grow nearer to God. It’s beautiful!!! Life changes entirely for the better.

  • Nushka

    February 23, 2015

    @Marie
    Thank you for welcoming us! How true. We are not on control and although things may not make sense now. Perhaps over time all will become clear. We do not see everything as the Creator does.

    @Ana
    You may have a point. He has increased his prayers which I’m hoping will eventually cool his anger and raise his morale. He must be down to think such thoughts. It’s difficult when he won’t communicate. I will try to remain positive in the face of cold shoulders and lack of eye contact. Also some time away may help put things into perspective for both of us.

    On another note Even though I am no longer in a poly relationship I maintain the mindset. Mainly because it could happen again but also because once I got over the initial shock and disappointment it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I liked things out in the open at least between my husband and myself. Also I don’t want to waste the emotional growth I gained and the fact that it brought me closer to God. For this and many other reasons my marriage in my mind remains poly.
    I wonder how others feel on this matter?

  • anabellah

    February 23, 2015

    Insha Allah, there is one last thing I want to say about Edith’s situation. I don’t think there is a need for her to come back and explain anything further to us about what she did and why. It appears to me that she has said it all. She has already said she did it because her co-wife was not nice to her for all those 14 years and the co-wife wronged her (Edith) by marrying her husband without a care as to how she (Edith) felt. She said she did it because she didn’t know how the co would have handled matters had the husband died on her (the co-s) watch. She let us know step by step what was happening with the money situation. She believed her daughters were entitled to practically all of the inheritance based on Swedish law. She spelled it all out for us plainly and clearly. There doesn’t seem much more that she could possibly say.

    The bottom line is that, as Marie basically said, it got carried out the way Allah wrote the script. I think it’s heavy. Allah allows those who are good and have a good heart, to do good. He allows those whose hearts are absent of light, is diseased and dark, to do evil. People act according to what is in there hearts. What’s in the heart manifests itself.

  • anabellah

    February 23, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone this lovely Monday,

    Alhumdulliah (Praise be to Allah) for everyone, for taking the time to write out your views, thoughts and feelings not only about Edith situation, but everything in general. I appreciate it greatly. 🙂

    Dear Laila,

    What we have heard in Edith’s case is what we hear about in the average family when it comes to death. It occurs in polygamous marriages, involving Muslims, as well. It was an excellent topic for us all to discuss. I’ve said all I have to say about what went down with her. Allah knows best whether she will return here or not. She was looking for feedback from us and she got it. It was all food for thought. She still has a chance to do the right thing; although all the documents were filed with the County Clerk’s office. If she returns, she’s welcome. If not, she was very helpful by having joined us for the short while. I hope the best for her.

    Laila, you have a good mindset. Just go with the flow. Let Allah’s decree unfold. Just go with it. You’ve got all your ducks in a row when it comes to your husband, your finances and property. You and your co both have Marriage License and there is not much more you could do. Simply put your faith and trust in Allah. What will be, will be.

    About children bonding with siblings from polygamous marriages, it’s only going to happen when all the wives, the husbands, and the children (when old enough) come together to WORSHIP ALLAH, and put the emphasis on Him. The emphasis can’t be on the wives, the husbands or the children. Unless everyone make it all about Allah, there will be problems. No one should do anything for the children, but do it to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

  • Laila

    February 23, 2015

    Dear Ana darling. I used to be upset knowing that his kids and my co still have not come to some point of respect. But nowdays, I do not allow such trivial matters to ruin my day. We both know where we stand in terms of money, property etc. We both have marriage licences, and Ana…. my life is not worth it to be spending it on people who are not relevant to me. I am upset because I just cannot comprehend how one wife could shun another one at their husbands funeral. That is all. It is just beyond me. Like my logic cannot even comprehend it Ana. In terms of her not wanting to share well, I am least surprised. I have heard of tussels within a family for cash so in many ways, I am not surprised Ana. I just am pretty vocal in regards to that angle of the issues at hand. But on the other hand I agree to Gails point of view. Sibling bonding is so important. Without it, we will never have the empathy, compassion and love for one another.

    Well enough of me bashing Edith. Im sure if she joins us again there would be some form of logic explanation. Im just eager to know what it is all about.

  • Marie

    February 23, 2015

    We don’t need to worry about what people intend to do to us, we need to focus on what we intend to do to others. Weather we have a greedy co, marriage licence or a home in our name, we will only EVER get what Allah has willed for us.
    Now, I’m not saying to not write wills or put efforts in to have things in order, we should, Allah’s say we should but it doesn’t guarantee what we planned will happen. It’s why we say Insha’allah, it’s a reminder that we are not in control.

  • Marie

    February 23, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    Welcome to zarifa and nushka. Alhamdulilah you found the blog and it has been helpful to you.

    I think some are missing the point when it comes to Edith situation. We know that Edith co never attended the funeral, she has lost her/her husbands home and may or may not receive $14000 inheritance. The above is all Allah gave and willed for the co, even if Edith intended for something different to happen, it wouldn’t have (we can’t go against Allah’s will)
    Edith made the mistake of having a bad intention to not allow the co at the funeral, to not give the boys the inheritance and to take their home. A believer would know that no matter what they intend only what is willed will happen so they would get their intention straight to not be in the wrong.
    Edith still would have ended up with more money, the only wife at the funeral and the funds from the cos home. However she may have earned herself some bad deeds with the intentions she made.

    The co and boys never lost out, and will not lose if they handle this with patience and remembrance of Allah they are in this situation the ‘wronged’ and Edith is the ‘wrong doer’ only wrong doers are punished for what they are not forgiven for.

  • ummof4

    February 23, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Zarifa, welcome to the blog. My question to you is what proofs are you looking for? You say that you will not accept polygyny, but for all of us we never know what we will do until we are in the situation. Many of the sisters on this blog felt in the beginning that polygyny would end their marriage, but it didn’t. As Ana has stated, a wife who would want a divorce from her husband just because of polygyny, has a lot of soul searching to do. Remember, we do not own ourselves, let alone own our husbands. May Allah help you to make the right decision if your husband should marry another wife.

    A wife is part of a man’s family. All around the world in virtually all faiths, the family is immediately informed of a family member’s death. Edith had a responsibility to inform her husband’s other wife and his children of his death. The janazah (funeral salah) is an act of worship. The whole family should have had the opportunity to participate in this act of worship. Maybe his sons would have even wanted to assist in preparing his body for burial. I have known young children who have managed to do this.

    I don’t think Edith has left us. She may be busy at the moment. I only pray that she does right by her husband’s other widow and all of his children. As the legal wife and mother, I believe she could fight her daughters if she wanted to, and probably win.

    May Allah help us all to worship and obey Him and Him alone.

  • anabellah

    February 23, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I very much know how upsetting the discussion we’ve been having about Edith’s situation is for you. It’s upsetting for most of us, but I could imagine how it is for you, knowing your co and her children aren’t fond of you. We know some people are capable of doing some mischievous, hateful and hurtful stuff. Just remember that Allah sees and knows all things. Know that He protects the believer. We must make sure we are that believer. It’s so important for us to do our part in order to fall under Allah’s protection. Remember that when people plot and plan evil they get it back. It usually turns on them. Anyway you look at it; they will account for it. Don’t waste your time worrying. All will be A okay.

  • anabellah

    February 23, 2015

    @Nushka,

    Thank you for shedding some light on your situation. I understand a bit better now. I know how frustrating it must be for you to not be able to reach your husband no matter how hard you try. I wonder if there is more to it than he thinks you cheated on him, and can’t forgive you. Perhaps the breakup with his other coupled with your son having been so ill has him feeling way down along with the thought that you may have step out on him with another man. He could blame you for the breakup with his other because she couldn’t accept you being in the picture. You can’t know exactly what is going on with him, if he won’t communicate with you about it. There is a chance he is deeply depressed, as well.

    You did really good by not looking in his phone anymore. You probably feel much better now, since you’ve stopped. When we snoop like that we usually only find information that hurts us. It feels good to stop doing things we don’t really want to do or we know are wrong. So, you’ve made good strides and accomplished a goal. Good for you 🙂

    I think it’s a good idea for you to take a few days away from him. It’s said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’ve found it to be true. Maybe eventually he’ll read the letter you wrote him. Continue to keep the good attitude and optimism. God willing you’ll see a breakthrough soon. We’re here for you whenever you want to talk. I’m happy you’ve found the blog helpful. It means much to me to hear it.

  • Nushka

    February 23, 2015

    @Ana
    Thank you for your reply. I realise that Satan has indeed found a foothold in hubbys head and all I can do is pray for him.
    He has not spoken to me now for 4 days. But I continue to do all the things that I would normally do without being bitter. So some context. After our son was born we were using condoms. After a while it got more and more difficult to convince him to use them. We moved house late last year and our son was on a ventilator in hospital so I was living between the hospital and packed boxes, so I put a condom in my bag so I could ahem, give him a birthday present. The night of his birthday he went out with friends and came back late so I was asleep. He woke me I couldn’t be bothered to get my bag and the next morning went to have the coil fitted.

    Fast forward 5 months to last Thursday. Hubby wants to borrow my headphones and I tell him they are somewhere in my bag. Good news he found the headphones! I shouldn’t be joking as the situation is tragic!

    He is so angry but I have forgiven much from him and hold no malice so I feel let down. To this day I can proudly say I was not harsh nor did I withold my love even when I found he had been on dating sites while we were in hospital among other things. I suspect some of his behaviour may be guilt. I don’t know why his girlfriend stopped seeing him. I don’t need to know. I used to check his phone as some of you may recall but I don’t and haven’t for almost a year. I came to the conclusion through the help of this site that what God wants me to know I will see and be guided to a loving path to do what would make Lord proud.

    Since he is not speaking to me I wrote him a letter but he has refused to read it. I’m thinking of going to stay with a friend for a few days to give us both some space. I find myself thinking if I had a decent co-wife she might have talked some sense into him otherwise if she is around may be stoking the fire. I don’t know…
    @Edith
    I am sorry for your loss. With regards to the funeral I am not Muslim, but it is still possible to reconcile differences in the name of Allah and the one other thing you have in common. After all God is love. Perhaps Edith will find a way in her heart to do this as it’s never too late. It must have been difficult for her and when we hurt and grieve we do things we may later regret. I don’t know you Edith but I pray your hurt and anger subsides and you find some peace.

  • Laila

    February 23, 2015

    I think at the end of the day it all boils down to humanity Ana. Trying to justify that not all wives need to be around is not acceptable to me. It just does not feel right. If my co ever did that to me, I think it would break my heart to know that I never had my last moments. It would also probably make me be thirsty for equality, and in that, it might land into a legal dispute. Sometimes a wife takes advantage knowing that they have a marriage licence, or more money. For me they are no different than high school kid bullies. They are shameful too because without their husbands, they cannot seem to conduct themselves well. It is all about their needs.

  • Bibi

    February 22, 2015

    Catfight….lol @zarifa it’s not in the Quran but it’s common courtesy. How would you feel if you weren’t notified and your opportunity was stolen from you and your children to give your last Salaams. I really want to hear Edith’s excuse. It seems impossible to exonerate this blow. I agree with Ana as it wasn’t up to Edith. It was about their husband. I was just saying we can advice her but in a softer manner in order to get results as she’s now a widow. Now she’s not even here with us

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Zarifa,

    Awww, that was so sweet of you to say such kind words. Alhumdulliah. What you said brought a HUGE smile to my face.

    Sis, keep reading the Quran, seeking to understand it with sincerity. Don’t try to find verses to discredit what someone says or to prove a point. Just read it naturally and most importantly, ask Allah to teach you. Ask Him to guide you. He teaches us, despite what some people may believe. I’ve been reading Quran almost 30 years and I’m still learning something new ALL the time. Sometime it seems I’m reading some things for the very first time. We will never know all there is to know. It’s soooo exciting.

    Sis, I’d really love to bump into you in Paradise too. Insha Allah, we will meet up there. Allah says we will have everything we want in Paradise. Love to you, my sister! 🙂 Thank you again for being here.

  • Zarifa

    February 22, 2015

    Ana,

    No where in the Quran state it is compulsory for Edith to inform the co of the funeral. Yes, she is a wife. But Allah will reveal things that He wants to be reveal.

    Islam is a way of life.

    Sometimes we impose things on ourselves that even Allah did not impose it on us.

    Allah state that a man can marry up to four wives. Allah did not say that a wife must stay should the husband marry another. I will take it as it is.
    I won’t impose things that is not imposed by Allah.

    Ana, I would like to express my sincere thanks to you. Because of this polygamy411.com, I read the Quran(its traslations) verse by verse these two years, because you keep saying that most Muslims did not ‘read’ the Quran. I totally agree with you. You influence my understanding of the Quran. Eventhough sometimes I have my own opinions.

    In the Hereafter, I hope to bump into you and say thanks directly. See u in Jannah, Inshaa Allah 🙂

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    If a person is running here and there cutting off people’s heads and burning people alive, are you going to say, oh, leave him alone, you don’t know what is in his heart.

    I doubt it. Anyone with sense knows the person heart is DARK. If a person thinks there is some light and goodness in that person’s heart or a person doesn’t know what is in the lunatic’s heart who carries out such heinous acts then the person who doesn’t know needs to have his or her head examined.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    The reason Edith was able to take control of the plans for the funeral and burial was because she was the legal wife. The legal wife by law takes care of it unless the husband has a will naming someone else as executor of his estate. The one wife being legal wouldn’t take anything away from the other wives as it simply brings order to know someone takes the lead. In a case such as Edith, although she was legal wife, the Islamic thing to do would have been for her or someone else that Edith asks to contact the co immediately when the husband died and inform her of all the arrangements. A wife could be legal wife and still carry out the dictates of the Quran. A wife would notify all family members and friends of the husband’s death. Well, a wife of the husband should definitely be notified.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    Zarifa,

    I really don’t understand what you are asking. A wife is a wife. If one wife is entitled to be at a funeral, so is all the rest. Will you go to your husband’s funeral? Well, if he marries 2,3 or 4 more women who will be his wives, those wives have every right that you do to attend their husband’s funeral. They are equal to you. You are no better than them. You are not boss. You are not head wife. It doesn’t have to be written in the Quran that a wife means wife for every wife.

  • Zarifa

    February 22, 2015

    Ladies,

    Where in the Quran state that should anyone dies, all the wives and the children must be at the funeral?

    Please do not make things up.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Zarifa,

    No where in the Quran does Allah say a woman must stay with her husband if he becomes polygamous. There is nothing in the Holy Quran that says she mustn’t leave her husband, if he becomes polygamous. Divorce is permissible in Islam. Allah lets us know the procedure for divorce. He lets us know that He provides for those who divorce. It’s okay to divorce. There is nothing wrong with divorce.

    There are some women, including me, who want to accept all that is in the Holy Quran. Polygamy is part of our way of life – Islam. Allah permits polygamy for men and it means there will be women who marry married men.

    Allah says to enter Paradise we must accept the ENTIRE Quran, not the parts that we like and reject what we don’t like. If our marriages are good or even if not good and we don’t divorce, but seriously think about divorcing our husbands when they become polygamous, it means we don’t accept polygamy, which is part of the Quran. The only reason we would be divorcing is because we don’t like what Allah has decreed. We don’t like Allah’s decisions. We don’t like what Allah permits. Who are we not to like those things?

    Those of us who want to accept the entire Quran will try to overcome our selfishness and not make life about ourselves and our desires. We will try to accept Allah’s decisions in hope that Allah will purify our hearts and dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease in this world and we will enter Jannah/Paradise. Allah says He tests us. Polygamy could be a test for us or, then too, it could be a punishment. For those whom Allah wants good for, it will be a test.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Zarifa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Welcome to our home. I’m glad you are here and especially that you have commented. I won’t speak of the other characters that I had spoken of on the older version of the blog. I retired those characters for good reasons.

    Zarifa, according to Islam, when a Muslim dies the body must be in the ground before sunset the next day. Edith carried it out the way it was supposed to be done. She then let the co know by text of the husband’s death sometime later.

    We don’t know who Edith knows that the co knows. We only know there was a small window of opportunity for the co to find out about the death and get to the funeral and burial. Edith and no one informed the co of the husband’s death till after the funeral and burial. It doesn’t matter how she would have, could have or should have found out. It is what it is.

    It wasn’t a matter of how Edith thought she’d cope at the funeral with the co-wife being there. The co and Edith were married to the same man. They were both his wives, regardless that one had a Marriage License and the other didn’t. A Marriage License is not important for a marriage to be valid in Islam.

    The co had every right to know her husband was dead and had every right as Edith had to be at the funeral and burial. Those children of the co’s had every right that Edith’s children had to know the father was dead and to be at the funeral and burial. It wasn’t for Edith to think about how the co and the children being at the funeral, burial would have affected Edith or her children or anyone else. It wasn’t about Edith or Edith’s children or Edith’s family or Edith’s friends. It was about the husband who had died. I’m sure the husband love his other wife and his sons and they loved him. Who knows whether the co and the children would have paid Edith any attention at the funeral, burial. That part is all speculation.

  • Zarifa

    February 22, 2015

    Assalamualaikum ladies,
    Edith said that her co is on Facebook. When the husband died of a heart attack, it is so weird that none of the husband’s friends or colleagues did not tell a word about it to the co. I doubt the co is a secret wife as Edith said she complained to the world=Facebook all these while about Edith. Why would Edith want her at the funeral? It will bring more burden to Edith. What if her co make scenes at the funeral? Screaming to everyone that Edith is her husband’s killer? (well, she screams on FB). Edith is in grieve, she may not think wisely. Please do not be so hard on her.

    A short introduction about me. I am not in polygamy. I am still my husband’s only wife. But that does not mean that I won’t be in one later. Only Allah knows. The fear of my husband took a second wife brings me to this website. I keep on searching for proofs that if ever my husband wants to add wife, then I want to make sure that I have the options to leave, or to stay.

    Ana, there is not a single quranic verse that state a wife must stay. I can’t find it. The quranic verse state that man can marry up to four wives, but it does not state anywhere that a wife must stay. I believe all of you, that the pain of polygamy is the mother of all pain. I just do not want to go through it.

    When I first read your story Ana, (that was two years back), I cried in my sleep for almost two weeks. Lynn stories also bring tears and emotionally affected me as I also have a live in maid which helped me so much in bringing up my 5 kids.

  • Ina

    February 22, 2015

    @ Bibi,
    I understand what you are saying but we need to try look at the situation from both sides to give honest and unbiased advice. I don’t think we were kicking her down by giving her our advice. She came to this blog looking for advice. It would be wrong for us to simply say what she did is ok.

    Edith’s cowife is a grieving widow too. I did not realised that Edith did not tell her cowife that their husband had died until after the funeral. This probably explained her cruel remarks on facebook.

    You say to put ourselves in Edith’s shoes and see how we would feel. I did that but I also try to put myself in her co-wife’s shoes. I feel Edith and her daughters should show some compassion towards cowife and her 2 sons. They too have lost a husband and a father. At the end of the day, we need to try do the right thing and the Quran tells us what is the right thing to do. No buts except for what is already written in the Quran.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    What I wrote to Bibi about what is in people’s heart relates to what you said in your post – actually you were replying to what Bibi said. One doesn’t have to be Allah to know what WAS in Edith’s heart. What was in it was not good when she buried the husband without letting the other wife and the husband’s sons know until afterwards. A person with good in her heart, with light in her heart, with purity in heart would not have done what Edith did. It would go against all Allah says in the Quran. What she did was evil and wicked. The heart must be dark to do such a thing. No one is to say it will always be that way. I’m just saying…

    I pray you have a good day! It’s night where I am 🙂 Love you too, my sister!

  • Laila

    February 22, 2015

    Bibi I think I misread you. My bad sista! 🙂 sorry ya. Just reading while wondering what to do next and all the chaos. So yes. I read wrongly.

  • Laila

    February 22, 2015

    Hey Ana. My statement was to Bibi. Because many feel that polygamy is way different as compared to our Prophets time, but then again, I feel that some basic principles must be adhered to. Put aside the hatred and think of the children’s future. Meaning, Edith’s co two sons. I know that property wise and all I cannot come near my co. But over time and also combined with my effort I will get there. Sometimes when things happen I feel that Allah s.w.t. is testing us. Testing our faith and our intent and what is in our hearts. Ana, I cannot and will not accept the fact that the co was informed only after the burial. Bibi is also right, we may never know what is in Edith’s heart. However, whatever happens and how sad we are or what grief we are in, the co also had a right to say her last goodbye to her husband. I agree with you that at least a year should be allocated to the co and her sons. At least that would have given the co some time to get her bearings right and to also find a place of her own. After reading all this, Ive realized how important drawing up a will is at the end of the day. I intend to do it soon Ana. Children or not, I think I owe it to myself to spare anyone of this confusion. It creates nothing but heart ache. Okay I got to run now. I need to get some groceries, and wash my car and feed my cat.

    Dear all, have a great and blessed day! Love you all my sisters! ♡

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think it’s really sweet that you are giving Edith an excuse for how she behaved by saying she wasn’t in her right frame of mind because her husband had just died and she was stricken with grief. I’m sorry. I can’t get with it. Edith knew exactly what she was doing. I could see if a person had a nervous breakdown or something of the sought and went crazy. Edith wasn’t acting in a fit of passion. Edith knew exactly what she was doing. It was calculated and deliberate. She said she did not want the co and those kids there. She said it out of her own mouth and put it in writing here. No one is making this stuff up. She disliked the co for 14 years. She got the opportunity to pulled the rug from underneath the co and the co’s children and set out to it. Her intent was to destroy them. You could make excuses for her all you want. I’m going to call it as I see it. I don’t think there is much more she could come here and say. She said it all.

    Someone came to the blog once and said, when a person shows you who he is, believe him. The saying went something like it. Don’t use the cop out phrase on me that no one knows what is in someone’s heart. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us about people. He tells us their characteristics and what they do. He tells us so that we can make judgement calls. Of course Allah is the Best of Judges. The Prophets are our examples. Allah said to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) that when someone comes to him and say he or she believes, investigate. He says just don’t take a person’s word for it. Allah tells us the characteristics of Muslims, believers, non-Muslim, mis-believers, unbelievers, disbelievers and hypocrites. He tells us for a reason -to investigate and make a judgement call – to know who to deal with and not – to know who to befriend and not – to know who to take into our intimacy and not – to know who to marry and not etc.

  • Bibi

    February 22, 2015

    I never said that Laila. I thought I was pretty clear. I in no way excused Edith from having her husbands janaza without informing her co. I was referring to the money talk and her daughters and lawyers. I hope she will return to shine a little more light on the reasons for her behaviour but after her mourning stage because she’s apparently not in the right frame of mind if she’s capable of doing something so selfish and down low in the gutter.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Nushka, hello

    You are writing in the right place. It’s good to have you back. I, too, like this new blog a lot. I’m happy to have had the opportunity to revamp it and give it a nice new face lift 🙂

    I’m glad your son is well. Wow, the little fella has been through so much. Thank God much for his recovery. The little sweetheart certainly did have a rough journey in the world so soon 🙁 It’s all good now, though. So, let’s focus on the positive 🙂 I pray God continues to bless him.

    Nushka, I really don’t know what the verse you quoted from the Bible means. I don’t quite understand what’s going on other than your husband has accused you of cheating, but you didn’t cheat on him. Maybe it would help, if you elaborated a bit on what the problem is. Is he holding his belief that you cheated on him against you? Has it affected your relationship to the extent that you aren’t communicating?

    There is no way you can convince him that you didn’t cheat, if he won’t believe you. He has to come to terms with how he feels and get over it. Your hands are tied. In the Quran a husband and a wife are told what they need to do if the one accuses the other of adultery and there are no witnesses. It would do you and your husband no good to do it because you and he, from what I understand, are not Muslim. It’s a serious oath that you both would have to take. It entails invoking the curse of Allah on oneself, if one is lying and it’s a way serious thing to do.

    I understand how frustrated you may be about your husband having accused you of something you haven’t done. Satan has a way of messing with people’s head and leading them to believe things that are not real. Satan creates false illusions that seem real. It sounds that in your husband’s head he is convinced you cheated on him. Of course, you can’t get in his head and fix it. You, thus, have a serious problem.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I think you have somewhat misunderstood what was said here. I don’t recall reading that anyone even remotely said what Edith did was okay. Everyone agreed what she did was straight up wrong. Only Bibi somewhat supported Edith about it in saying Edith was grieving and we don’t know her explanation for why she did what she did. Edith did state why she did it. She said she didn’t want them there (at the Janaza). I believe there is no acceptable explanation that she could give that would exonerate her from her wrong doing. Nothing she tells me could make me understand her position. The only saving Grace she has is Allah, repenting and turning to Him for forgiveness.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    I don’t think you could make a blanket statement that all first wives who are legal wives will use the husband’s death as an opportunity to crush the non-legal one. If a wife fears Allah, she will do the right thing. She may have disliked the other wife for whatever reason, but when at the wire of having to do the right thing, she’ll do it – the right thing. Some people fear going to the Hell Fire. They fear Allah’s wrath. They fear Allah’s punishment. They straight-up fear Allah.

    You talk about co-wives getting along as though it’s a piece of cake or a walk in the park. You’ve been down the road in it to know it is far from it. You, yourself said you wouldn’t accept another co other than the one you had. You know what it took for you to get to the point of accepting her. You would crush her as you believe in being boss. You would want to dictate to her and continue to dictate to her children. You make it sound so easy, but it is not. I wrote this quickly, as I must go for now.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    You will not understand where we are coming from with regard to the money issue because you are not Muslim. If you understood you would not only be a Muslim, but probably a believer. It’s not about what we think is right or wrong. It’s not about a co-wife. It’s not about the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) either. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) only delievered the message (the Holy Quran – word of Allah) revealed to him by an angel.It is about Allah who is God.

    Allah leaves specific instructions in the Holy Quran about inheritance, legacy and debt. What Allah says goes. We are not to question God. The Holy Quran is for all man as in mankind and ALL TIMES. The Holy Quran is for today, the same as it was for yesterday, and will be for tomorrow. You don’t believe in Islam. You don’t believe in the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). You don’t believe in the Holy Quran. You don’t believe. So, you are rejecting what we say here. Allah says the sons gets more than the daughters. It’s what He, Allah who is God said, exclamation point, period and end of story.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Gail,

    I know the sayings you referred to and I have used them, as well. We’re a product of our environment and we learn from our parents. Of course, we can unlearn, as well. Edith’s daughters saw her hating polygamy, hating the co and the co’s kids; consequently, Edith’s daughters learned to hate, as well. I didn’t expect from the daughter anything other than what they did. I’m with you, Gail, that it would only be right for her to allow them to continue to live there for a while, at least until they get their heads straight.

    I’m surprised that at the time of the death, Edith didn’t come to her senses, snap out of it and say, wow, this man is dead. There is no more polygamy or co. The co’s kids, however, still exist. I think it would have been nice for Edith to let the other family remain in the home at least for a year. The husband was supposed to leave the wives a years maintenance. No, he didn’t do it and it’s not Edith’s responsibility to do it for him. However, forget all of that, how could she just toss a grieving mother and children out in the street? Those children are her husband’s children.

  • Nushka

    February 22, 2015

    First of all apologies if I am posting in the wrong place. It’s been quite some time since I have been here. The site has been revamped and looks great! Last time I was here I was pregnant with my beautiful son. His journey in to the world has not been easy but he is doing very well now after an organ transplant. Please I would welcome some advice and have always learnt positive lessons from this blog. I have been accused of cheating and I am innocent. I have read various bible verses such as psalm 109 and gleaned an interpretation that will be hard work but will put me on the right path…
    “Now, Lord, let them curse. I can’t stop them, and you may not choose to, but if you let them curse, bless me anyhow so that they will see that you are not cursing me; it is they who are doing it. Give me inner strength, inner blessing, so that I can remain calm, untroubled and undistressed in the midst of the cursing. Then men will see that it is your hand that is holding me up, your hand that is strengthening me. Second, do it in such a way as to make the accusers ashamed of themselves.” Let them see the facts in such a light that eventually they’ll be sorry, be ashamed, that they ever attempted anything like this, because it is so unjustified. “Lord, vindicate me in that way.”

    I was hoping you could give a Muslim perspective to increase my understanding and Faith at this difficult time. Although my marriage is not currently poly it started off that way with too many lies. I have forgiven him many things and feel betrayed to be honest. Apologies if my spelling is bad I’m typing from my phone. Thank you for listening. One love

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    A pro-polygamy blog is not popular on the internet. Polygamy is not a topic of interest for many, especially polygamy from a positive perspective. Nonetheless, this blog does quite nicely. The number of readers on one day reached 1,310. I just wanted to give you an idea of the readership.

    I have to run out and take care of some matters. Gail and Laila, I’ll be back to read you, Insha Allah.

  • Laila

    February 22, 2015

    Are you all saying that when our husband is dead, it is an acceptable act to NOT inform till all is complete? Maybe by voicing out my opinions, I may have sounded harsh but the fact is a fact. She had the chance to do the right thing and she did not, instead she allowed her daughters to run their own circus act. Yes Gail, I totally agree with you on the part of sibling bond. I think that if we are blessed with kids it would be difficult because my co has told me many times that she does not want her kids to mingle with mine. So yes, that also is a contributing factor I guess in the long run. But seriously Gail, this sister had the chance, but she went the other way. She failed her test when she became manipulative and not inform her co.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2015

    @Bibi,

    Just for clarification, I do not include you, any of our regular readers or even the readers who have only commented once or twice as silent readers. I don’t include anyone as a silent reader who has written here. It appears by your statement, you question whether there are “closed mouth readers” as you said, “if any”. I try not to spout off at the mouth without knowing what I’m talking about. If something I say isn’t factual, I usually let people know here by saying, “I think” or “maybe” or “perhaps” or something like it. I let people know that I don’t know, that I’m only taking a shot at the dark at it. When I speak of “closed mouth readers” on this blog, I know they exists. I get the statistics on this blog daily, all day, about how many viewers there are. Daily, for years, there have been hundreds upon hundreds and hundreds of viewer on this daily.

    I know for a fact there are only a handful of people, maybe several people who speak here on this blog regularly or sporadically. They are as Marie, Gail, ummof4, Laila, Mari2, Spirited, Ina and you. I’m sure I’ve missed mentioning one or two. I often times have thanked the contributors here for their contributions and let them know the blog would not be a blog without their voices (writings). I just want to make it clear I was not just talking out my @SS.

    Everyone here need to know this blog is to express oneself and get feedback. It’s not just about us telling people what they want to hear and pacifying them. It’s not what we are here for. We’re here to tell the truth as we know it, speak what is real and what we think and feel. Some people can’t take it. Perhaps it’s why they shy away and don’t speak up. You know the saying, “if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen”. People will get their feelings hurt here at times. It’s when the women need to put on their big girls panties and act the part and the man should man up.

    I’m sure there are people who find it difficult to express themselves; don’t know the English language; don’t know anything about Islam or polygamy or are fearful of writing. I don’t know their reasons for not writing. I can only encourage them to write. I don’t think anyone would benefit if I made this blog a “read only” blog.

    From what I understand from Edith’s writings, she said her co posted on Facebook that Edith never accepted polygamy. Edith said to us that her co never accepted polygamy. Perhaps neither did, as there are not many women who wholeheartedly accept polygamy. We know there are many Muslim women who in a heartbeat would tell you that they don’t believe in polygamy, and won’t accept a polygamous marriage. One thing we do know, based on Edith’s writings about her situation, is she never accepted polygamy either. We can only go on what people say about others here as we have no way of verifying what’s real or not. If it doesn’t make any sense, it’s probably hogwash.

    Bibi, you said we need to put ourselves in another person’s shoes when it comes to Edith having buried her husband without the co and the children knowing till afterwards. I beg to differ. There is no valid explanation in Islam that excuses what Edith has done. I won’t put myself in her shoes because it would be me condoning her actions. If I begin for a second to believe that what she did was okay, I’m in serious trouble.

    Edith already answered why she did what she did. She said she did it because she didn’t want her co there at the Janazah (funeral/burial). She said she don’t know what her co would have done if he died on her watch ( I summed it up in my words). Edith said her co was always doing disruptive, hurtful things to her since she married the man who Edith took possession of – married her (Edith’s) husband. I think just about anyone who are in a polygamous marriage or was, has done things, thought things or said things to their co-wife that wasn’t good or right. We all sin and will continue to sin. Allah says a believer recognizes his or her sins, repent, and ask Him for His forgiveness and mercy with sincerity. By the permission of Allah, the person will EVENTUALLY stop committing the sin.

    Thank you for sharing your views, Bibi. I’m glad you found time out of your busy scheduled with the 5th graders to grace us with your presence 🙂

  • Gail

    February 22, 2015

    Laila and Ana,
    I find it so strange how we can disagree in Edith’s case but being neutral here I do want to say it is obvious the me that her daughters are a chip of the old block and the other saying is the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree here in USA meaning U see the daughters u see the mother and u see the mother u see the daughters.Edith raised her daughters to be like her obviously so yes Edith is fine with her choice.
    I find fault with Edith for not allowing her cowife to go to his funeral and I find fault with Edith not putting money aside for the boys colleges.My mind says that is fair and just.I would not have left the home or much money to the cowife although chances are I would have let the cowife live in the home rent free until the boys were through college but that is just me.
    Now in saying that I think u guys are off your rockers to think Edith should give those boys more than her daughters when she obviously had the marriage license.We r not living 2,000 years ago in the Prophet Muhammad time where woman did not work and were taken care of by the brothers and their husbands.You guys are saying to do this because the Quran says to do it and that is all fine and good but where is the logic in it since the children do not live as siblings.Again I will say this is not Polygamy as to where the Prophet Muhammad set it up to be in my opinion.Alot of modern day Polygamy relationships r like war zones with cowives acting like enemies more than a family unit.
    Logically speaking it seems absurd to me to think two woman who could not get along and internally hated each other and were rivals when their husbands was alive would somehow magically get their Sh!t together after his death.It’s not going to happen the legal or first wife is going to see it as her opportunity to crush the other wife/wives.
    This is why I am such a strong advocate of Practice Polygamy the right way with love and compassion and understanding between all parties or do not Practice it at all because life is to short to be living secretly pissed off all the time in my opinion.
    I am a firm believer if both wives are in their childbearing years they must be able to get along or they will destroy their children.Either accept Polygamy entire or divorce is my sincere thinking.It’s not worth screwing the kids up.
    I accepted Polygamy but my cowife didn’t but i fought tooth and nail to raise all the kids under the same roof and I know in my heart I made the right choice.
    I am amazed that people can not understand how important the sibling bond and connection is and that with Polygamy comes this issue for most people.
    When it comes to Edith I feel u guys are stuck on the financial aspect between Edith and her cowife but I am seeing the larger picture that her children and her cowife children don’t have a sibling bond and I feel both those woman did a horrible thing to their own children so what u expect when it comes to matters of money.OF COURSE THEY R NOT GOING TO SHARE it’s a no brainer.

  • Bibi

    February 22, 2015

    Salaams all. InshaAllah all are well. I’m just getting a moment to breathe, sit down and give my input. I’m not one of the closed mouth readers out there if any Allah knows best just been busy teaching 5th grade girls home economics etc.
    Edith is a grieving widow. It seems to me when she first joined the blog she was not in the right state of mind and she was broken and most vulnerable. Just because her co publicised her two cents of Edith’s take on polygamy stating she never accepted it dosent make it true. I think a lot of you kicked her while she was down by speaking your minds. Sometimes we have to put our feet in the persons shoes. Looking from the outside in its hard to understand why Edith had the burial without first reaching out to the second co. I mean that’s ice cold I’m waiting for her to answer that million dollar question along with the rest of the situation before I jump to conclusions of her and her co. I can tell she was a bit indecisive because she was going back and forth to lawyers then Muslim lawyers as I don’t see a difference. Dosent Muslim lawyers have to follow the same protocol as an ordinary lawyer. Then she was to give the sons something then nothing. It’s still a bit scrambled but I feel via her indecisive comments she’s broken and at her lowest. Edith if you’re out there please take care I know this is a difficult time for you. Please do join and clarify your posts

    Good day to all

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2015

    If none of the wives have a marriage license, and the husband left no will, it could make matters worse. The legal next of kin steps in (parents or siblings) and only Allah Knows what they’ll do. The wives and the children could get nothing.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2015

    @Spirited, Hey, my sister, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! 🙂

    I’m glad you’re still alive and kicking. It’s always good to hear from you. Thank you much for imputing about Edith’s situation. It’s seems everyone, regardless of what order they married their husbands in, agree it was in bad taste how Edith handled the situation. Sigh. It was a good lesson for everyone going forward. It may cross our minds to do vindictive, spiteful things; but to carry it out, I’ve always known it to come back and bite the person in the @$$, yah know what I’m saying???

  • Spirited

    February 21, 2015

    Salaam ladies!

    A quick message to all the lovely chickadees! I’m still here! Aaaaah

    Not much time at the moment, but as regards the current issues raised by Edith (very delayed welcome if you are still about), my opinion is in general to follow Allah’s rules over those of man where reasonable. This was one such reasonable time it could be done. Many of the ladies have already expressed, you would do yourself a disservice to be unfair, especially in regards to the children of the other woman.

    Also a hello and welcome to the many new faces I read, apologies for not welcoming by name, battery power is at 2%!
    I’ll talk to you guys soon!

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you very much for citing the ayat. There are accounts in the Holy Quran about Prophets Abraham and Prophet Zakariyya’s (Peace and blessings of Allah be upon them) wives, who were barren, as well. Eventually, Allah blessed them with children after they had resolved they’d never have any. It goes to show Allah is a Doer of what He wills. Allah can say, “be” and then it is. It comes to fruition.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You’re probably asleep right about now, and will find this post once you’re awake. I asked Edith the same question – whether her daughters are Muslim. They certainly don’t sound to be. I was also wondering how Edith could let her daughters dictate to her how things were going to be in terms of inheritance. In the United States, if a person dies without a will, the spouse gets everything.

    Edith has control of the bank accounts. Those daughters can do nothing without Edith’s approval. Yes, of course, the daughters could sue for their rights under Swedish law. Would her daughters sue her or the estate? I have known of non-Muslims doing such a thing. For instance, I’ve seen children who sued their parents on “Judge Judy”. Since they have been behaving as non-Muslims already, maybe they would sue Edith. Edith would be smart to let them do it. As is, it seems Edith is making her daughters the heavy so as not to have to carry the weight of the decision when in actuality it doesn’t absolve her of any wrongdoing.

    Edith, herself, was always against polygamy, as well. She said the co married her (Edith’s husband) without any regard for her. It’s what happens when a woman takes possession of her husband. The man is not her’s. Allah says men may have more than one wife and it means women will rightfully so marry married men. People don’t own people. We all belong to Allah.

    I’m more concerned about the co’s children. Edith needs to put herself in the co’s shoes to know how she felt would feel had it happened to her and her daughters. Edith said she don’t know how the co would have reacted had the husband died on the co’s watch. Well, since the co wasn’t the legal wife, she wouldn’t have been able to authorize any medical treatment or take care of the funeral and burial arrangements. She would have had to contact Edith.

    Laila, I’m really glad you have spoken up. It get me that there are so many closed mouth readers out there who don’t contribute. It’s easy to sit and read. Those people don’t help anyone but SELF.

  • Laila

    February 21, 2015

    Dear Ana and Ummof4. Yes I have had a few things on my plate of recently. But I think this is what happens when one wife has a marriage license and the others do not. If the first wife is really a firm believer of polygamy then I think all will end well. But if she says she is and does the total opposite then, all hell will break loose. Yes it did get my attention but this time I am a neutral party. But not informing till the husband is buried is really a very disgusting behaviour on her part. I can understand the anger built over the years, but only informing till all is done is not acceptable. I also believe as mothers, it is her right to set records straight with her daughters. I can be out of line even after my marriage but my mum is a real firm lady. Yeah we can argue till the cows come home but when she says yes, then it is a yes. So I cannot understand why she is allowing her daughters to run her show. Or maybe she indirectly is condoning it?…. It is anybody’s guess. Not giving or dividing the money equally and fairly will be something as Ana has stated, it may very well end be their misery. We will never know. We all can never have enough of money, to some degree, I think her daughters are not Muslims or of the Muslim faith, because they do not seem to be least affected by their decision making. I hope this is a lesson to all of us. To get our affairs sorted. To not just rely on other people’s generosity or on the aspect of the right thing that should be done. Many times we think that as hateful as our co can be, she will do the right thing at the end of the day. It is so disappointing when they don’t sort of match up to our expectations. We forget, everyone is human after all. Many will be drunk or tempted with the money accumulated, or will feel that their charity is the most important compared to the rest.

    I hope all of us wives here learn a lesson from this scenario. Let us never only inform our co’s when all is done. That is so selfish on so many levels. The statement she made if I am not mistaken is that she wanted to grieve. Doesn’t her co also need that grieving time or closure? Another thing I do not understand about women is, why tell everyone on Facebook about issues within one’s marriage? … I understand the need to vent, but on Facebook?….

    Well night guys.

  • ummof4

    February 21, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Here are the ayats about bearing children:
    “To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows male or female according to His will. Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will. For He is full of knowledge and power. (surah Ash Shura (42) Ayats 49 and 50)

    Ruth, we have asked several questions about your situation and given several comments. So Ruth, feel free to answer our questions for yourself or if you feel comfortable, share your answers with us.

    Laila, it’s good to hear from you. You must be very busy. I can understand how Edith’s situation struck a cord with you. What happened in her situation is another reason why husbands should stay in contact with all of their wives on a regular basis. Of course, there should be rules and times set. That way if a wife doesn’t hear from her husband as usual, she can begin to investigate to find him and make sure he is okay.

    May Allah help us all.

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You asked Ruth a very good question. You asked, is it what Allah would ask of her, to give her rights as a wife away to indulge her husband. Islam gives women rights, not take them away. We’re suppose to publicize marriages, not hide them. We aren’t supposed to make up our own rules, nor change the rules to suit our desires. Ruth needs to get her priorities in order.

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    @Marie,

    What you said is sooooo very important, It’s so important I have to rewrite it here. You stated:

    “To be given explicit ayat and to ignore them is worrying.
    I remember listening to a translation/explanation of a few ayat where the speaker said when you hear the proofs and flat out reject them, Allah puts a covering over your heart which prevents the “light” from benefiting you, even if at one point the ayat would make you cry for forgiveness, when one continues to deny and disobey they lose the gift Allah gave them, which is Islam, guidance ect. Listening to quran and hearing the proofs will do nothing for them.”

    Sigh, Marie, thanks you sharing it. Their hearts become harden. They are those who reject faith/those who reject Truth. It’s serious. Yes, there are numerous ayat (verses) in Quran about it.

    I’m just so grateful Edith’s related her story here. You can’t begin to know how grateful to Allah I am for it. I can’t stop thinking about it.

  • Mari2

    February 20, 2015

    @Ruth,

    I think that you have been given good advice here, and I will have to agree that it is Allah who determines whom will be given a child and when. Certainly there are those who want for children, and perhaps their prayers may or may not be answered, or may be answered later rather than sooner. Only Allah knows.

    I along with others give pause to your decision to cast away your Islamic rights of a wife in order to indulge your husband’s want of a child. Is this what Allah would ask of you? Would HE desire you to void your Islamic standing as the true wife in order to bow to the whim of your husband and your husband’s desire for a child? And if you cast off what Allah has given you rightly and take on the mantle of secrecy which HE has not willed for you to begin with, what reward will you accomplish?

    I do not understand why your husband cannot find a woman willing to be a second. Has he not looked to a widow still able to have children? Has he not looked into marrying a woman who has been divorced? I find it remarkably hard to believe that the world has suddenly become void of any Muslim women willing to be a second wife.

  • Marie

    February 20, 2015

    Ana, I still believe Edith had a huge opportunity to gain major rewards. If we take what Edith said to be the truth and her co was the world’s worst co wife, who did everything she could to hurt Edith and her family, and edith took it on the chin, practiced patience and trust in Allah, then to follow up by giving the boys and/or the co what they have the right to in inheritance would show a massive amount of faith and taqwa. When every ounce of you wants to follow your desire and you intend to do what Allah has ordered show what kind of Muslim you are. Likewise when one is put in a situation and given opportunity to follow their desire and hurt and oppress another also shows where you are in terms of faith and taqwa.

    I can only pray that if/when I am ever given the opportunity to reap major rewards by following Allah’s law, I intend to do the right thing. Your right, edith intention scared me too. To be given explicit ayat and to ignore them is worrying.
    I remember listening to a translation/explanation of a few ayat where the speaker said when you hear the proofs and flat out reject them, Allah puts a covering over your heart which prevents the “light” from benefiting you, even if at one point the ayat would make you cry for forgiveness, when one continues to deny and disobey they lose the gift Allah gave them, which is Islam, guidance ect. Listening to quran and hearing the proofs will do nothing for them.

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    I can understand why you can’t accept that your sons are to receive more than your daughters in inheritance when no will is left. You are not Muslim so you have no reason to believe it must be done that way. Belief is something that is embedded in the heart.

    A person who is a Muslim/believer would fear Allah, and would dispose of a person’s estate the way Allah instructs us to. A believer would do so without question. The person knows Allah has a reason that is good for it to be done that way. A person who does as Allah instructs us to has much to gain and nothing to lose in it.

    It is Satan who wants us to fear poverty. Allah gives increase to those who are charitable and spend in His cause. They spend as He instructs us to. A believer does not think he or she is losing anything in doing what Allah tells him or her to do. Allah rewards those who do good.

    In an earlier post, Ina spoke on it in regard to Zakat (paying what is due to the poor). It’s all about doing as Allah instructs us to. Who are we with our limited knowledge to question or oppose Him with our desires?

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    In an earlier post about Edith’s situation, Marie stated the following:

    “I think this is test from Allah for you, your desire wants to give her nothing but we must intend to do what Allah has ordained. Whatever you intend, it is you who will be accountable for it.”

    In my daily reading of the Quran, this morning I read ayat (verses) that made me think of what Marie said. The ayat are as follow:

    “Your riches and your children may be but a trial: But in the Presence of Allah is the highest Reward.” Quran: Surah 64, ayah 15

    “So fear Allah as much as ye can; Listen and obey and spend in charity for the benefit of your own souls. And those saved from the covetousness of their own souls – they are the ones that achieve prosperity.” Quran: Surah 64, ayah 16

    “If ye loan to Allah a beautiful loan, He will double it to your (credit), and He will grant you Forgiveness for Allah is most Ready to appreciate (service), Most Forbearing-” Quran: Surah 64, ayah 17

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2015

    @Laila,

    Long time no hear from you. I’ve been thinking of you. Thank you for inputting about Edith’s saga. 🙂

    I get what you have said. Edith and the co had been catty – probably both with each other. One can go onto Facebook and spout off at the mouth. The thing is one can go back and recant what she said and apologize, as well. There is no apologizing for not letting a co know the husband died until after he is buried. There is no fixing it.

    I know what it’s like to think of the most horrid thing to do to retaliate for what another has done, but to carry it out is serious business. Edith just didn’t jerk around the co. She didn’t have to be at the Janaza (funeral and burial). Edith stole those precious, valuable, memoriable moments from the co’s children. Those children were subjected to Edith’s hatefulness and wickedness. There is no condoning Edith’s behavior. There is absolutely no valid excuse for it.

    Maybe Edith thought she was flexing, weilding power, and had the upperhand. She dug herself a grave, as it’s said. If anyone has the upper hand right about now, it’s the co, if she remembers Allah. Then to make matters worse, Edith takes the inheritance of the co’s children. Edith doesn’t owe the co anything. She DOES owe the children their inheritance. Most of the property was in the husband’s name. The portion Edith said she contributed, she took off the top.

    Laila, at least you have worldly recourse. Should something of the nature of what happened with Edith’s co happen to you, you could go to the Islamic court about it. In the case of Edith’s co, there is no Islamic court or Islamic laws in Sweden that she could try to have enforced. Edith said she used a Muslim attorney which simply meant her attorney was a Muslim. It did nothing to help determine anyone’s Islamic rights, as he had to uphold the laws of Sweden. The only benefit Edith possibly could have received from using a Muslim attorney is a discount he may have given her because he was representing a fellow Muslim.

    In a serious matter such as what happened with Edith and her co, karma is the least of anyone’s concern. Allah’s promise is true and His wrath is severe. Edith’s situation makes me scared. A person is crazy to play with Allah. It’s not about Karma, baby. It far more serious. What Edith did can’t be undone – that man is in the ground, dead and gone and she can’t bring him back to make things right…

  • Laila

    February 20, 2015

    I think in Edith’s case it is not entirely about greed. However it hinges heavily on gaining the upper hand and teaching her co a lesson. After reading what Edith said, I think both women are on the wrong. Edith’s co for showing off and telling the whole world about her position and Edith being pissed off and now exercising her power. Crap like this happens when one wife has a legal marriage certificate. Therefore she feels whatever she does is acceptable. Many claim to be Muslims. Many want the validation to feel good about themselves. In my opinion, the co should have made sure that from day one she should have got a few things under her name. I know if my co informed me right after the burial, I would have buried her in the Islamic Court. Sometimes also, it is better if the new co shuts her gap up and understand that Facebook is not the place to vent. Certain issues must be kept behind closed doors. Edith maybe selfish in not wanting to share, and that is her sin to clear with Allah. But in the meantime too, using the monies from the first wife to get a home is just low. A man if he decides to be polygamous must provide a home based on his personal earnings for the newer wife / wives. Failure to do so and use the finances in which the first has contributed creates a whole load of other problems that cannot be fixed instantly. Women can get catty. In this case, Edith has the upper hand and there’s nothing that the co can do about it expect….vent on Facebook. Question is, who cares to care or even give a damn? This clearly is not a successful polygamous marriage. It started off wrongly and it ended tragically. I pray Edith’s husband is in peace, as I am sure, he would not condone such behaviour. Edith…. never invited nor informed her co, because, she just wanted to gain control and to tell her co, that, she has buried their husband, go deal with that right now! What a hateful move on Edith’s part. But then again, who knows what sort of rubbish her co has been actively spreading like venom on Facebook? Karma surely catches up with us. When you insult your co continuously and feel you are great, crap can hit us. My insight to the Edith saga.

  • Bibi

    February 20, 2015

    Ana as salaamu alaikum and thank you for the wonderful reminder as usual.

    Everyone have a blessed prosperous Jumma and weekend ahead.

    Verily in the rememberance of Allah do all hearts find peace

  • Bibi

    February 19, 2015

    @ummof4 I loved reading your story. Another example to show whatever Allah has destined for you will not pass you by. You’re very very blessed and wise. Motherhood is a gift from Allah

  • Gail

    February 19, 2015

    Ana,
    I missed Edith calling the children B@stards.I must have missed some of the post i think.Now that u have narrated and outlined the the situation it does seem more clear that Edith is in the wrong more so than the cowife.Your right Edith did say her cowife never accepted Polygamy and it was bad to bury the husband and not let her cowife know I do agree with u on all those counts for sure.I am wondering though if i were faced with Edith situation would i do the right thing or take the money and run.I will be honest I believe I would keep teh money and control the situation and my cowife by keeping everything in my hand.Sitting here thinking about it maybe I am not the best person in the world since I would desire to control the situation.I just don’t know I am happy i am not in that situation and I am the only legal wife.It would be times like these I am thankful I am not Muslim to have to feel conflicted.I know I would never give the sons more than the daughters though.My daughter will get equal share of our property.I don’t feel right as a mother to give my sons double portion over my daughter when she has served them her entire life.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    People needlessly stress themselves out looking for spouses. It’s amazing. Men trying to run down second wives; women trying to find husbands, and women trying to help their husbands find wives. If they only knew that what’s for them won’t pass them and what passes them wasn’t for them they’d have peace of mind and contentment in life. Allah determines who are mates are. No one has to go fetch one. People need to just chill. If Allah has ordained a husband for a woman and a woman for a husband, it will come to pass. It will happen, without anyone running about trying to make it happen, without stressing out trying to get what may not be for them.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    Ruth, As Salaamu Alaikum & Welcome!

    You have met Marie and Ummof4, a couple of polygamy 411’s finest. They both have given you very, very, good advice and I agree with what they said to you.

    I must admit I was quite bothered when I read your post. I believe no one can be content with his or her life if they don’t know their Islam, or know it but don’t live it. We are to say, Truly my living, my dying, my prayers and my sacrifice are all for Allah the Lord of the worlds. Instead, I heard from you, in not so many words, your living, your dying, your prayers and your sacrifice are all for your husband. It sounds as though you live and die for him. Allah created us to worship Him, but it sounds to me that you worship your husband. It’s a HUGE problem. You need to work on it more than anything else.

    As Ummof4 stated, Allah determines who will have a child and who will not. Allah lets us know He created some women barren. Some women who thought they were barren, eventually had children. As Ummof4 stated, the information is right there in the Holy Quran. What have you been doing to worship Allah, as He instructs us? Don’t answer to me. Ask yourself the question and answer the question for you. Everything comes from Allah. We need to do our part too – in worshiping Him.

    The beauty of polygamy is that if one wife is reproductively challenged, the husband who desires a child doesn’t have to divorce her. He could marry at least three more women. Your husband would like to marry another. It’s fine and good. Let him go do it. BUT, why should you make it your problem?

    If he can’t find a woman to be his wife as a wife who married second, it’s his problem not yours. Anyhow, a “believer”, wouldn’t want to marry a woman who didn’t accept polygamy. Accepting polygamy is accepting Islam, whether one has to live it or not. Polygamy is part of our religion-way of life. Our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous. Polygamy was good enough for the “Mother of the Believers” (wives of the Prophet Muhammad – PBUH), it should be good enough for any ordinary woman.

    As Marie stated, being a secret wife is “unfair” to all parties concerned. You are willing to have your husband divorce you legally, marry you Islamically and you live as a secret wife. It may be fine and good for you and your husband; however, will it be good for the other wife? She will be in the dark. Your husband and you will deny her the truth. He will lie to her and you will support him in the lies and deceit. You will be just as guilty in the wrongdoing as he will be. Nothing good comes from wrongdoing. It will not be good for you, your husband or the other wife.

    You think you are “racked”, “drained” and “volatile” now? You haven’t seen anything yet. If what you and he purport to do comes to fruition, expect life to become worse and ugly for you all. Not only will you not be the legal wife, you will be hidden away like some dirty little secret. You take on the status of a mistress. He may marry her legally and she will be known to the world as his wife, who has his children, and is living the life. If you think by living as a secret, you will feel less “racked”, drained” and “volatile”, you better think again!!! Everything changes when the variables change. Do you think he won’t love his new wife, children and life? Allah knows best. You best believe things will change.

    I simply think you have done enough by trying to accept that he marries another woman. Allah allows polygamy for men. I could see you giving up your marriage license, if the woman said that she wanted to be on a level playing field with you, and wanted you both to only have an Islamic marriage. It would be noble of you to oblige her. You, however, want to do it so your husband could lie to another woman and withhold truth from her, which is still a form of deceit, while he hides you away. There is no nobility in that. As Ummof4 said, marriage is supposed to be publicized. Allah has given men the authorization to be polygamous. There is no need to hide and lie when it comes to wives. It is wrong for a husband to lead a wife to believe she is the only wife, while he’s tucked away another wife in the dark someplace.

    A favorite saying of mine is that if a person turns to the creation and away from the Creator (Allah), Allah turns the creation away from the person. When the person turns to the Creator (Allah) and turns away from the creation, Allah turns the creation towards the person. I suggest you begin to turn all your attention towards Allah, and take all the focus you’re devoting to your husband, off him. You’ll feel better and your life will be better.

  • ummof4

    February 19, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and welcome to all,

    Ruth, welcome to the blog. Allah determines who will have a child and who will not. There are ayats in the Qur’aan regarding this (I’ll tell the ayats later, I don’t have them in front of me right now.) I understand that your husband wants a child. How do you know you are infertlie? Is it reversible? Can you use invitro fertilization? Does you husband know that he can produce children? Your answers to these questions will determine any advice I may give you.
    I am speaking as a woman who was told that she was infertile by a number of doctors. They told me that my fallopian tubes were blocked and no sperm could ever enter them and fertilize an egg. I was told that the only way I would have a child would be to adopt. Less than a month later, I returned to my obgyn and told her I was pregnant. She responded that it was impossible for me to be pregnant as even dye could not enter my blocked tubes. When she gave me a pregnancy test her next response was that it was a miracle, I was pregnant. Since that time I have been pregnant six more times. In total I have had four healthy children who are now adults and three miscarriages.
    It is noble of you to agree to divorce your husband legally and marry him Islamically so he can marry another woman legally. Then you would be the “second secret wife”. How does your husband know that the woman he plans to marry would have any children? Why does he want to keep you a secret? Would you truly be okay with being a secret? Marriage in Islaam is not supposed to be secret, it is supposed to be public knowledge.

    May Allah guide us all.

  • Marie

    February 19, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum to all,

    Welcome azara and Ruth to the blog. It so nice to have newbies.

    Ruth, you sound like a lovely, caring person. I only have something short in response. I wouldn’t agree to be involved in a secret marriage, it unfair to all parties involved and by what I have read on this blog it doesn’t work out well. If Allah wills for your husband to marry again, it will happen. I’m sure the other sisters will be along shortly with a wealth of advice.

    @Ana. I with you on living with a co. I couldn’t even handle living with my own mother, let alone a co. I don’t think my co is an evil woman and I believe if something was to happen to my husband on her time she would let me know and vice versa. I think Allah has blessed me much with my co, we don’t talk (had no reason to as of yet) but we have a understanding based on the religion. We have the same goals and live by the same instructions (the quran). Its like we know each other without actually knowing each other. We don’t need to live together, we need to live Islam.

    I agree with you and ummof4 on Edith situation. I was list for words, but you summed it up. No good will come from that money. Maybe it’s just me but $900,000 is a HUGE amount of money. I’m also blessed to not have greedy people in my life. I do feel so bad for the co and her son’s.

    Yep kids are off school so we’ve had lots of days out and family time. Alhamdulilah life’s wonderful right now Allah u Akbar.

    Bibi, you back wahoo, sorry to hear about your grandfather. To Allah we belong and to Him we will return.

    Peace out you beautiful people.

  • Ruth

    February 19, 2015

    Hello, I am seeking help and advice as my husband is to take another wife. We are both Muslim. We have been married for 7 years and I am infertile. My husband is desperate for a child. We love each other and I didn’t want a divorce. I am supporting my husband and because he had not been able to find a woman who would accept being a second wife I have agreed that he divorce me and we will remarry in an Islamic Marriage. Therefore the girl he is to marry does not know about me. I am in the UK as is his job she is in Egypt. Whatever the whys and wherefores of our situation I am desperate to make this work. I hope someone can help me with advice and moral support. I do not want in any way to create problems for my husband or his new wife to be but emotionally I feel racked and drained and occasionally volatile. I am fighting all the negative feelings and holding on to the positives. I want to create a loving environment for my husband he is a good and caring man.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    I haven’t read anything Islamic anywhere that suggests wives should all live together in one home. Furthermore, I don’t think there is any difference between a monogamous marriage and a polygamous marriage other than the man has more than one wife to manage. Being fair, just and kind is incumbent upon EVERYONE, not just men who are polygamous. Allah stresses in the Holy Quran that EVERYONE is to be kind and just. Polygamous marriages isn’t singled out for it (Kindness, justice and fairness). People make a big deal about polygamy. It really isn’t one. The problem is with people.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Bibi,

    Thank you for welcoming Azara!

    @Azara,

    Welcome and thank you much for sharing your views with us. I think if the wives live nearer to each other it’s helpful for the husbands, as it eases his burden in traveling between the wives. It makes it easier for all parties when emergencies arise. You’re correct that all wives would know what is going on with the husband if they live together or, for instance, lived next door to each other. For me, if I were to live with a co-wife, it would have to be a two family house where each wife has HER OWN house or portion of the house that is fully equip as one house.

    It’s difficult for women to live in the same dwelling sharing the kitchen and living areas. Women are very territorial and they have their own likes and dislikes in terms of decorating, furnishing the home and what they cook and eat etc. I’m certain it’s difficult and there are major problems when one wife has a dominant personality, unless the other doesn’t mind someone else ruling over her other than Allah. Even boss at work is a different situation.

    I know for a fact I don’t like living with anyone other than a spouse or my mother. I had five siblings whom I lived with. It let me know I love my privacy and space. Having three roommates in an apartment at college let me know I love my privacy and space. I suppose people with children get used to not having privacy and space. Another reason I didn’t want to ever have children is because I love my privacy and space.

    When speaking of living together, it’s majorly important to recognize the fact that these Muslimahs who find themselves in polygamy begin a polygamous marriage not liking polygamy. They never wanted to live a polygamous life, and don’t want it when it happens.

    Of course, most women dislike the women who marry their husbands and they see the women that married their husband as the women who disrupted their lives and turned their world upside down. She HATES that woman. So, it doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever to talk to a woman such as her about moving into a home with the other woman to share a husband. The trauma and distress that women go through when their husbands become polygamous is so unbearable that it almost destroy some women. Why on earth bring that creature to her home??? It’s suicide. I just don’t see it happening. I don’t ever see it happening for me. No way, no how!!!

  • Bibi

    February 19, 2015

    Azara welcome, I agree with you. Even though it’s very very difficult at times living under the same roof with hubs and co wives I know deep down something good comes from it. I would be devastated if hubs passed and I wasn’t informed right away and he was buried before I or my children had a chance to give our last salaam. I just read Edith’s husband was married to the second co for 14 years. That’s a very long time. Why now is her marriage being questioned if it’s genuine or not.

  • Azara

    February 19, 2015

    Edith’s example is good for all to understand why all the family should live close together. If not in same house then maybe in separate quarters next to each other. Living together and staying in touch is important for a family unit. It is so wrong on Edith’s part to not inform the co wife about husband’s death until after he was buried. This would have never happened if they all lived together like a normal family.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    @Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t know where the 1/8th came into the mix for the wives. Edith isn’t required by Islamic law to give the ex co anything from the husband’s estate, but the co’s children are entitled to inheritance even though there was no will. The co’s sons, according to Quran should receive twice what those daughters will receive.

  • Bibi

    February 19, 2015

    Hey there Gail. Thank you for your compassion and concern. You’ve been missed.

    Ina I’m right along with you on that list of confused people concerning Edith’s case. All I’m seeing is numbers. First I saw $900,000 then skipped to the end and saw the two boys from second co gets $5,000 each from that. I have to catch up on her situation.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I intend to plead and beg Allah to let me do good and not evil like that I read about over the last few days. Edith’s situation helped open my eyes wide and I thank Allah much for it. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2015

    @Gail,

    Edith said her former co told people on Facebook that Edith never accepted polygamy and killed her husband. It’s apparent Edith never accepted polygamy and it’s questionable whether she accepted something way more important than polygamy. Polygamy is just a tiny piece of the puzzle.

    It takes a certain kind of person to say she is Muslim, and not let the co who had been married to the husband for 14 years and bore him two children know the husband had a heart attack and died until after he was buried. She then kicks the other wife and CHILDREN out of the house that belonged to the husband, takes everything they’ve got and leave them with just about nothing. It takes a greedy woman to have assets totaling around $900,000 mostly having belonged to the husband and give the other mother of his children whom I’m sure he loved only $14,000. It takes a CRAZY person to not only fool herself, but blatantly, willfully, and knowingly disobey Allah about the inheritance of those children.

    I’m on my phone, so it’s all I have to say about it for now. Try putting yourself in that other woman’s shoes, if it had been done to you and your biological sons.

    What Edith and those daughters of her have done is far worse, evil and despicable than anything imaginable that Edith’s former co could have done. How low can anyone go?

    I gave her the benefit of the doubt about calling those other children “Bastards”. Ummof4 was right to step to her about it. Calling those children “Bastards” was the tip of the iceberg.

  • Gail

    February 19, 2015

    Bibi,
    Sorry to hear about the death of your grandfather.Happy u r back with us!!

  • Gail

    February 19, 2015

    Ana,
    Here is what I am thinking regarding Edith’s situation.I think u r right in the fact u reap what u sew but lets face it Edith’s cowife according to Edith has been nothing but nasty with her over the years and if u do reap what u truly sew then it makes me wonder if Edith’s cowife got exactly that.Also Edith’s daughters bring up a very very valid point of why should they forgo their inheritance to the two boys when they have zero relationship with the boys and have no sibling attachment.I think in Edith’s case it would have taken a Saint to give the majority of her net worth to her cowife not to mention crazy.G.D gave us a brain to use I don’t believe G.D meant for families to live separate etc… and u did say alot of times just because someone says they r Muslim it does not make it so if they are not acting like a Muslim.
    I will agree I think Edith was hard on the boys and should have given them more but as far as her cowife NO WAY!I am a firm believer u r either a team player or u r not and if u r not a team player then u get what u deserve and that is nothing in my opinion.
    I do get where u and Ummof4 r coming from though and I do respect what u r saying as far as the Koran goes.

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    Yes, I think the holiday and the snow has a good deal to do with me being thrown off by the days, thinking it was Monday today. Besides the holiday, my hubz did have yesterday off work due to the snow, so it seems today was beginning the new week.

    It’s really cool that you like working with numbers and math. Math is not my strong suit. I like trying to figure things out though. I have fun doing it. I am so glad Edith brought up the subject of Wills and inheritance. Alhumdulliah!!! It’s crazy enough trying to take care of business when a person dies, let alone dealing with death of a husband involving a polygamous marriage.

    I know of non-Muslims who were married and separated, but never legally divorced. The husbands went off and started new families. When the Husbands died, the legal wives whom the husbands had been separated from, went and took everything the husbands’ live-in girlfriends and kids had. The legal wives were entitled to do so as everything belongs to the wives as the husbands and wives never legally divorce. Edith situation reminds me of the non-Muslims’ situation. Our lives shouldn’t look like theirs. If it does, something is wrong.

    Ummof4, thank you very much for the informative and helpful post. I very much appreciate it. Your posts are very helpful, so please write more often if inspired. 🙂

  • ummof4

    February 18, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I completely agree with what you have said about Edith’s inheritance situation. It is all about obeying the commands of Allah, not what we feel is just and fair. This is true submission, when you do what you don’t want to do, just because Allah told you to. May we all grow to the point that we can truly submit our wills to the will of Allah. And I’m not talking about inheritance wills, I’m talking about our stubborn, arrogant selves that do not always obey Our Lord and Creator, Allah.

    I love working with numbers and doing mathematics, so I have studied a lot on Islamic inheritance. When my husband has married a second wife we made sure that all of us understood that upon his demise we would follow the Qur’aan about the laws of inheritance. When his new wife would ask me what would I do upon the death of our husband, I would tell her that I would only do what was in the Qur’aan. I have also instructed my adult children that if my husband and I die at the same time that they follow the laws of the Qur’aan concerning inheritance, for themselves, their siblings and their stepmother.

    Just a note, depending on what family members are left, it is possible for females to get more than the males in inheritance situations.

    Bibi, welcome back. My du’ahs go out for your grandfather and your family. Thank you for being the real you and thanks for finally trusting us.

    Ana, if you have been around the snow and had a housebound day off yesterday like many of us, that’s why it feels like a Monday because we are starting our week over agian.

    Allahu Akbar! All the praise belongs to Him and Him alone!

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    I’m hopeful everyone is having a wonderful day. Weirdly, it feels like a Monday to me.

  • Bibi

    February 18, 2015

    @halma No pressure but I would love to hear your story. I get the feeling you’re a first wife and you’re still getting used to things but again no pressure. Whenever you’re ready. You seem really nice too.

  • Bibi

    February 18, 2015

    @halma my husband is a Sheihk and I grew up within his community. So I knew of him my entire life. I married very young and it has definately been a challenge but as all the ladies here have said it gets easier and easier and makes you a better stronger person. Allah is very Kind.

  • Halma

    February 18, 2015

    I meant being young and in a poly marriage

  • Halma

    February 18, 2015

    Shabana I have come across your comments on other posts and you seem like such a warm fun loving character. if u dont mind me asking, ( if I am right u married quite young and moved to pakistan) how did you meet your husband and get into the marriage?
    Is the experience difficult?

  • Bibi

    February 17, 2015

    I’ve missed you soooooo much too. I’m glad to be back. Xo

    As salaamu alaikum coco puff. You’re such a sweetie.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    Bibi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Our sunshine is back You don’t know how happy I am that you are back with us. I missed you soooooooo much. I was thinking you weren’t coming back and it saddened me. I was just thinking of you today. My condolences about your grandfather 🙁

    Isn’t it nice that we’ve had some new people joining us from out there in cyberspace? Insha Allah, they’ll stick around and many more silent readers will join us. Coco puff was here recently, as well, and asked about you. Isn’t it so cool that Maliha is here and she married third. It’s awesome. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep up with who is who. I’ve found myself trying to figure out who a couple people were. Oh, well, I’ll see how it goes…

  • Bibi

    February 17, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum All. It’s me shabana, name change. I’ve missed you all so very much. So much has transpired since you all heard from me. My last living grandfather passed at the beginning of this month.
    Thank you all for being so understanding f my trust issues. My guard is down now.
    Hi maliha we both married third. Glad we have something in common 🙂 welcome all newcomers Edith zarifa and lavender22.
    Edith my sincere condolences. I think you should take time to grieve the passing of your husband, the father of your children. What’s the rush. The money will still be there when you are in a better place and can focus.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    @alison,

    I think it is good you don’t ask your husband what the problem is between he and his other. If you don’t involve yourself in it, neither of them could blame you for their situation. If you start imputing, it could cause problems between you, he and she. You’re a smart woman. Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be, speaking words of wisdom, let it be – song by “The Beatles”.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    @Gail,

    I believe there is a reason the wife who married 2nd is going through what she is gong through. Allah knows best the reason. I do know that Allah’s promises are true and Edith and her daughters will reap what they sow, as well. They will reap what they sowed for not following Allah’s instructions about inheritance of other people when no Will was left. Allah specifically spells out how we are to distribute inheritance when no will is left.

    You best believe the houses and money that Edith and those daughters receive will be the bane of them. The houses and the monies will be a cause of agony and suffering for them. Allah’s promises are true. He reward evil with evil and rewards good with good. What Edith and her two daughters are doing is evil. I’m going to call it how I see it and I won’t beat around the bush.

    Edith knows the woman was her husband’s wife and had two sons by him. They lived in the house that belonged to the husband. She has no reason to question it now. As Ummof4 said, she didn’t question it before. Although, she really didn’t need a reason to. If they weren’t husband and wife they would account to Allah for it.

    From the time Edith first related her story till now I have thought everything through thoroughly, and have taken a good hard lookat the Inheritance laws in the Quran. This matter involving Edith is not about a co-wife. It’s about Allah and what He has instructed us to do. Those who don’t do what He instructs us to do stand to incur His wrath. Allah’s punishment is severe.

    Had Edith and those daughters obeyed Allah’s command with regard to the other wife’s children, Allah knows best what blessings He would have bestowed upon them. What Edith and those daughters have done is an indication of what is in their hearts, especially the daughters’. Allah tells us to Judge. He tells us who people are and what they do. He tells us their characteristic etc. He tells us to judge with what He has given us to judge with – the Holy Quran.

    As much as I have mouthed off over the years and spouted out hate about certain people, what has happened with Edith opened my eyes. My intention is not to jerk around with anyone’s inheritance. It’s some serious stuff with serious consequences.

    Edith’s matter definitely is not about a co-wife or any other person. It’s about Allah and what he’s commanded on us. It’s about obeying Allah.

  • Gail

    February 17, 2015

    Edith,
    I think under the circumstances u r doing the best u can.U could have not given her a dime.I also can’t find fault with your daughters either.I am curious how your cowife is acting towards u now though.
    I don’t blame u for not giving her the house I think I personally would have made a college account for the boys but that is just me personally.I am really sorry your children and hers are not able to be siblings.More than the money or inheritance problems that really is the saddest part of all this.I don’t know your part in wanting or not wanting a relationship with your cowife but it sure seems she never wanted one with u even after she had children.I am a firm believer in you reap what u sew.U have to live with the choice u r making if u feel at peace then it is ok in my opinion.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    Happy Day Everyone from “Happy Feet” 🙂

    Apparently my ears were playing tricks on me. The lyrics to “Happy Feet” didn’t have the obscene word that I thought was in it, so, I put the cute little video back up. The lyrics are below:

    Lift your head up, cause you’re a star,
    Be strong boy you know who you are,
    Papa said knock them out!

    Yeah, I’m gonna knock them out!

    Papa said knock them out, come on!

    Don’t call it a comeback,
    I’ve been here for years,
    Rockin ma peers,
    Puttin suckers in fear!
    I’m gonna take this itty-bitty world by storm,
    And I’m just gettin warm!

    We’re bringing fluffy back! (yeah)
    Them other penguins don’t know how to act (yeah)
    Kick it to the chorus!

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I believe you are conflicted about what to do. I know your hands are tied, if your daughters are insisting on receiving a certain amount of the inheritance. I totally understand that you don’t like your ex-co, as well. The majority of wives out there don’t like their co-wives. I could imagine you’d just want to put this all behind you, so you could grieve and then move forward.

    I think by you continuing to be here with us on the blog and continuing to let us know what is happening, shows you do have a conscience and you don’t feel comfortable about how everything is going.

    If anything, you being here is a HUGE blessing for many of us. We’re looking into the Inheritance Laws and Wills. Those who don’t have wills are waking up and intend to take care of business by putting together Wills, and have their husbands prepare Wills, as well. I’m grateful to Allah that you are here with us, despite the harsh feedback you receive here.

    As Ummof4 said, keep seeking Allah’s help and guidance. 🙂

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    I wouldn’t put much weight on an attorney being “Muslim”. An attorney can be Muslim, but he or she still carries out the laws of the land. They are sworn to uphold the laws of the land. They can be sued and debarred for not doing so. The Muslim attorney advises clients based on the laws of the State or country. I know Muslim attorneys in the State I live in. They still practice the laws of the state.

    The only time a Muslim attorney makes a difference is in a Islamic country with a large population of Muslims and Shariah law is in effect. They uphold Shariah law. I don’t know exactly what Shariah law is. I never bothered looking into it.

    The point I was making is Edith saying she is dealing with a Muslim attorney means nothing. It’s the same as if she was dealing with a non-Muslim attorney.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    @alison,

    You are tooooo funny. I know that’s right – that “it sucks to be in a monogamy again as I was so used to my free days where I could basically throw my legs up the couch and just bum….sigh” I bet you never dreamed you’d like having a polygamous marriage for the benefits. LOL

    I miss you too. Much love!

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    Edith’s situation still doesn’t sit well with me at all. It definitely is not being handled Islamically.

    She’s says the daughters rule. Even if the daughters want 1/2 the estate they say they are entitled to based on Swedish law, which we know is not Islamic law, the breakdown would be:

    900,000 Total
    -375,000 Edith’s (not part of the estate)
    —————–
    525,000 Estate
    – 45,000 Debt
    —————
    480,000 For Inheritance
    -240,000 Daughters claiming from Swedish Law
    —————-
    240,000 Balance of the Estate

    Edith claims she wants to follow Islamic Laws. According to Islamic law the husband’s son are entitled to twice what the two daughters receives.

    If we base what the son’s get on the 240,000 the daughters took, the son’s should get $480,000, according to Islamic law. It would mean to me that the 2nd wife should keep the house that was in the husband’s name to secure her son’s inheritance.

    According to Islamic Law, the husband was supposed to leave both wives a years maintenance. Of course, he didn’t do it. From what I understand, both wives have houses. The house the wife who married 2nd lives in was in the husband’s name, which is part of the estate.

    It doesn’t seem anything is being tallied up to help the sons receive their inheritance.

    The daughters question Allah about why the males should get more. The daughters said the boys won’t take care of them. Well, the daughters’ male family members such as their uncles and grandfather, male cousins and any other Muslim male in that family are supposed to take care of them.

    It just seems the whole family are in cahoots to prevent the wife who married 2nd and her sons from receiving anything, but some left over scraps that they want to throw at them SUPPOSEDLY in good measure.

    Ina asked some Edith some very good questions. Marie made a very good point when she stated, “Ali khan video, one must stand for justice even if it is against our own self.”

    I know I wouldn’t want to be the one screwing someone out of their inheritance. We know Allah’s punishment is severe. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Regardless of how much a woman dislikes or abhors her co-wife, I’d think they’d think twice when it comes down to the wire about taking something from another or depriving what they are due, especially children/orphans.

    The mere taking of what the 2nd wife and the children have in the house that can’t be accounted for with receipts, lets us know where Edith and her family’s heads are at. None of it paints a pretty picture.

  • alison

    February 17, 2015

    Hey I posted something loong and the phone just made it disappear 🙁 anyhow things have been soo busy..apparently co and hubby are having issues and for the last two months he has been home even though co stays in the same town….I have asked him not to divulge the details as it does not concern me…..I haven’t talked to her in ages and I am content that I tried….
    it sucks living monogamy …I miss my free days where I would just bum and be a couch potato
    oh well I missed you guys and I have to rush to my never ending chores
    love you all

  • Ina

    February 17, 2015

    Edith,

    Another point is that you say you can prove you 375k belongs to you. Surely then your husband’s estate is only worth 525k so your daughters should only be entitled to 50% of that. Your money will eventually go to them anyway.

    I know you don’t want to have a fight with your daughters especially over someone who you hate but as mother, don’t we need to teach our children right from wrong?

    Your wali said a good thing, you need to be at peace with what your doing. It’s easier to say that it’s out of your hands because your daughters are refusing to give up on what they think they deserve. Can’t say I blame you for it either because I don’t know what I would do in the same situation. Would I take my own children to court so I can give my co-wife more money? I pray I will never have to be this situation so will be asking my husband to make a will ASAP!

  • alison

    February 17, 2015

    Hey guys how have you all been…things have been crazy co and hubby have been having issues and it’s barely even a year..so hubs has been with me for the last two months even though co stays in the same town…I didn’t want details and it’s their business and I want to mind my own business…
    it sucks to be in a monogamy again as I was so used to my free days where I could basically throw my legs up the couch and just bum….sigh
    just got a minute to post before I go do my usual errands….I miss you all
    much love

  • Ina

    February 17, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam,

    After your last post, I will add my name to the list of confused people on this blog. Firstly, Why is it that your daughters get the full 50% of 900k dollars and the creditors are paid from the remaining 50%? Is this part of the Swedish law? It doesn’t sense because what happens if you owed creditors >50% of the pot? Daughters still get 50% and you are left with nothing?

    You say your husband sold the sawmill business 5yrs ago but the property is NOW worth 900k dollars. Does this mean you/your husband still owe the property of the sawmill business but not the business itself? You don’t want to sell this property but instead will sell your co’s house to give your daughters their share of the money. So at the end, you will owe the sawmill property 100%? If the sawmill business was sold, why are you responsible for paying creditors? Your house and co’s house is part of your husband’s estate so is this included in the 900k? Sorry, I am confused about why you need to sell your co’s house to give your daughter’s their money?

    It does seem rather cold hearted to not allow them to keep their belongings in the house without a receipt.

  • Marie

    February 17, 2015

    Ana, I very much liked your comment on taking and seeking advice. Allah tells us in the quran if we do not know then ask people of knowledge. I grateful for Allah bringing Edith and her situation to the blog as a reminder for us all. Also as we were reminded in the Ali khan video, one must stand for justice even if it is against our own self.

  • lavender22

    February 17, 2015

    Thank you for clearing that up for me. 🙂 if I ever stop working to stay at home and be a house wife, I won’t dare quit till I make sure things are right in the will and I can still live decently if anything were to happen. As ummof4 states, men are supposed to be maintainers and women should never worry, but we don’t live in a perfect world. My family isn’t muslim, and it’d be hard to remarry once I’m older with kids..maybe I wouldn’t even want to remarry at that point. I’d be on my own so it’s important I consider that what ifs of the future and can be independent. Again, that was a really good discussion!

  • ummof4

    February 17, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone,

    Edith, I will continue to pray for you and your family. It appears that you are trying to do everything according to Islaam. May Allah bless you for your efforts. And Allah will provide for everyone involved because He is Ar-Razzaq, The Provider.

    Ana is correct about Muslims being buried as Christians. That is one reason why it is important to have close Muslim friends if you have no close Muslim family members. The friends can step in and talk to the non-Muslim family and make them feel at ease with Islamic burial. This is even more important if a Muslim is single. And remember even if you are married, the husband and wife may die at the same time, especially if there is an accident. Recently we had a young single sister die in our community. A number of us in the community already knew her non-Muslim sister. We went to talk to the non-Muslim sister and mother and explained the process to them. They let us handle all of the janazah (funeral) details, Alhamdulillah. Of course nothing is foolproof, not even a will, so we continue to ask Allah to take care of us in life and in death.

  • Marie

    February 17, 2015

    Edith.

    I can help but feel the other woman and her son’s are getting done over (swindled), so you will be taking her house, contents and leaving them with 14000. Why is your home and contents not included, I assume that’s also in your husbands name. Why can’t you take the 375,000, first, as you have contracts and deeds to prove it’s your money and always has been, it shouldn’t be included in your husbands estate that your daughters are claiming half of.
    Lastly shouldn’t the creditors rake the money from the grand total and not from what’s left after your daughters have taken 450,000. I’m no expert, in any laws, but thus seems reeeeaaaalllllyyyy wrong.

  • Edith

    February 17, 2015

    Salaams

    I have come now from the concluding meeting with the muslim lawyer. The division of property will be filed to the courtclerk to be registered. My husband was well off because we had owned a sawmill that he sold five years ago. The mill was bought with both our money when we were newly married. My husband was proud and wanted property to be in his name but I have contracts showing what money I put in. The property now is worth about 900 000 dollars in US money. My daughters are claiming half of everything that was in my husband’s name which they have a right to ackording to forced heirship. So they get around 450 000 dollars between them. I have contracts and deeds from my husband showing I have a right to about 375 000 that has always been mine. That leaves about 75 000 dollars. In Sweden creditors get paid from the total as well as heirs so the creditors are paid from the 75 000 and that leaves about 30 000. From this I get 1/8 = around 4000 and I will give the same to #2. Then my mother in law and father in law also get parts and finally the two boys get around 5000 each. My lawyer says the big problem here is my daughters right that is great in Swedish law and makes for this result. Your suggestion to allow them to keep their house does not work since that would not give my daughters enough money. I need the money from selling her house to be able to pay the 450 000 to my daughters. Ummof4 is right that men are maintainers of women but my daughters say they will never get any help or maintanance from the two boys so why should they get more? I tried to talk my daughters into another settlement but they refuse cold. And I do not want to give her anything that is mine and has been mine all along. It was my husband’s duty to provide, not mine. I could be a better person I know, but I can’t. I hope my daughters will be forgiven for claiming what they feel is theirs and law grants them.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    NOTICE TO EVERYONE:

    PLEASE do NOT rely on the views, opinions or advice that any of us, including I, share here on this blog about Inheritance and Wills. Please do your own research and investigate. We are not and do not claim to be experts or specialists here at polygamy 411. I suggest you seek out your own professional and legal advice about the matter.

    We try to share information to the best of our knowledge and ability. I pray Allah forgives and have mercy on me and each and everyone of us here who gives information or advice and have erred.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    Some ayat (verses) that relate to what we’ve been discussing about Wills and inheritance are as follow:

    “Let those (disposing of an estate) have the same fear in their minds as they would have for their own if they had left a helpless family behind: Let them fear Allah, and speak words of appropriate (comfort).” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 9

    “Those who unjustly eat up the property of orphans, eat up a fire into their own bodies: they will soon be enduring a blazing Fire!” Quran: Surah 4, ayah 10

    Some of the inheritance laws are found in the Quran in Surah 4, ayats 11-14 & 176 – The orphans are addressed in the Surah, as well.

    Info on bequests is in Surah 2, ayat 180-182

    The Iddat period (for widow), I thought was three months, but is four months and 10 days Surah 2, ayah 234

    Regarding the widowed woman, Allah says: “Those of you who die and leave widows should bequeath for their widows a year’s maintenance and residence; but if they leave (the residence), there is no blame on you for what they do with themselves, provided it is reasonable. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.” Surah 2, ayah 234

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everybody,

    @ummof4,

    Thank you very much for reminding everyone to put in the will how they are to be buried and how their children are to be buried should non-Muslims receive guardianship, if the parents die. It’s way important. I’ve heard of real cases in which Muslims have died and the Christian families gave the Muslims Christian funerals and burials. Could you imagine?

    @Zarifa,

    Welcome Sister 🙂 I’m so happy you graduated from a silent reader, and have made your presence known. I love the way you summed up nice and easy for Lavender22 and all of us what happens with a property such as a house when the husband dies.

    I’m hopeful you will stay with us and jump in on the conversation whenever you feel so inspired. None of us claim to be expert here about anything. We’re all living and learning everyday. We all err too. I get nervous and jerky when I make mistakes. I make them like everyone else. Only Allah is perfect, as you know. We’re all here simply trying to help one another.

    The blog would be nothing at all without the writers. I’m so grateful to Allah for each and everyone who contributes by writing here. Alhumdulliah for each and everyone of you. I thank Allah much for this blog. I pray we all gain barakats (blessings) for what we’re trying to do – good and not evil 🙂

    @Lavender22,

    Yes, it’s not complicated when Muslims leave wills, as many have stressed to one another on the blog over the last few days or so. In the case you mentioned, it would be as Zarifa stated. Your intended would need to put in his will that you are to have the house, as well as anything else he adds to the Will for you. Furthermore, it’s best that the wife puts property in her name, so it’s not disputed when the husband dies, as well. She needs to leave in her will who she wants her property left to, as well. If no will is left the inheritance laws kick in for everyone.

  • ummof4

    February 17, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    It is true that in many situations the females in the family receive less inheritance than the males. It is important to note and remember that men are ordered to be the protectors and maintainers of women. In a truly Islamic society women do not have to worry about their maintenance because it is the responsibility of the men in the family and the community. So a woman would not have to worry about lowering her standard of living upon the death of her husband. She would be taken care of by the males in her family or community or she would remarry.
    However, no such society exists in most of the world today. For many women it is essential to have their own source of income. If a wife chooses not to earn an income, it is the responsibility of her husband to see that she is provided for in an appropriate manner. This of course includes all of his children as well.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2015

    Ummof4 wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    U know way better than I do, so thank you so much for sharing!!!

  • ummof4

    February 17, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    About Edith’s situation, as Ana stated, the inheritance kicks in after payment of all legacies and debts. Edith has never mentioned her husband’s debts, so should we assume that he had none or that they have already been paid? The second point is that it is unfortunate that Edith’s daughters are not willing to accept what is in the Qur’aan in relation to their inheritance. I pray that Allah will guide them to what is correct. I am completely confused about the percentages that Edith mentioned, so I cannot comment on them. Maybe Edith can find an expert in the Islamic law of inheritance so she can know what she should do. However, if her daughters continue to insist that they go by Swedish laws of inheritance, it will be quite a fight.
    It’s amazing how people fight over money and possessions. They can put all of their time and energy into gaining more money and possessions than the other person. Then when they die, it’s all left behind anyway.

    Halma, your feelings are perfectly normal in regards to your husband having sex with his other wife. If you stay focused with your eyes on the prize PARADISE, those feelings will lessen with time, In shaa’Allah. As far as STDs, anyone can have one. However, when my husband has married another wife, they both have had medical tests done and shared the results with each other. I also saw the results of the tests with the permission of both parties. It is not mandatory for tests to be performed prior to marriage, but it is smart business to do so.

    Ana, I understand about sharing email addresses, and I respect the policy of not sharing. So that’s the end of that.

    Everyone have a good day and remember to write a good Islamic will soon if you have not already done so. An Islamic will is different than wills in most countries in Europe or in the United States. You can find a good one online to use as a guide. Remember to include in your will how your body will be taken care of(especially if you have non-Muslim relatives) and who will be the guardians of your children if you die while they still need a guardian.

    May Allah guide us all and forgive us our sins.

  • Zarifa

    February 16, 2015

    Assalamualaikum ladies and lavendar22,

    A husband must leave a will by stating that he will ‘hibah'(gifts) the house to his wife. Then the house don’t have to be divided. if not, then the inheritance law applies.
    So I think I have graduated from being a silent reader too. 🙂

    Ana, thanks for your efforts.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    Lavender22,

    Hi there. Assalamu Alaikum. I’m on my phone. I’ll have 2 get back 2 u a bit later, probably 2 morrow. I don’t think the 1/8th applies 2 wives. It said wive’s get a years maintenance. The division 4 wives is different. Off the top of my head anyone can leave anything in a will. What’s left over after the will is executed and the debt is paid must be distributed according 2 the inheritance law that is specified in the Holy Quran. Furthermore, a person is advised in the Quran 2 make a bequest if he or she knows she or he is dying . So, leaving a will is very, very, very important.

    I’ll get back you on your hypothetical and, Inshallah, others will, as well. I’m so happy you joined in this dicussion. It is way interesting.

  • lavender22

    February 16, 2015

    Ana,

    This inheritance law is really interesting and one of the reasons why I’m glad I silently check in and read still. I tried to read a website about inheritance laws but it’s hard to comprehend. Basically if a husband dies, the wife only gets 1/8 of the husband’s assets?

    To make things simple, Lets pretend there’s a stay at home wife who lives in a $800,000 home the husband has paid off fully. To make things simple, lets pretend that is his only asset. Does that mean since she only gets 1/8, she would sale the $800,000 home and only keep $100,000? She would go from living in a nice house to a little beat up apartment (by California standards). In a culture and religion where stay at home wives are the norm, how do they survive? Am I understanding wrong?

    I once thought about quitting my job if I ever had kids with my intended since he makes good money and I’m a teacher. However, if he becomes the sole breadwinner, that’s a scary thought to think one day all assets (including our home) will be added up and I’m only left with 1/8. Better to just work and stash away your own little emergency money… it’s a depressing thing to think about, but I’m very glad this discussion was brought up!

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Maliha,

    I understand. Thank you for elaborating. Maybe 1st wife became jaded once the hubz moved to the second and then married once again another. You said she was in a lot of pain 🙁

  • Maliha

    February 16, 2015

    Thanks ladies. @ana I’m a realist I know people change feelings change as well as curcumstances. My husband I’m sure was once over the moon in love with my sister wife but after so many years of marriage they don’t seem to be on the same page. I said what I said because I didn’t want to come off as conceited or self absorbed saying my husband lost interest in first sister wife and not in me. I do my duty unto Allah and my hubs and inshaAllah will continue to. I’m saying I’m okay if change happens feelings change because most importantly I have my Allah who will never lose interest in me who will always be by my side and always there when I call on Him.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Marie,

    At the onslaught, you certainly did say that Edith’s property should be subject to division, as well as the other wife’s.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    mari2,

    I’m sorry; but I was laughing so hard when you described the ingratitude of the People whom you have been dealing with. I’m with you, say thank you, and leave it at that. If the person doesn’t like the gift(s), he or she should simply keep his or her mouth shut about it. If anything, mouth off to someone else, not the gift giver. It’s craaaaazy, cray, cray. It would be the last gift I gave. Where do people get off, thinking they are entitled when it comes to GIFTS???

  • mari2

    February 16, 2015

    I would just like to make a mention here as to the utter, ungrateful, family members in Pakistan. At what point is enough, enough? The unmitigated wherewithall to complain about gifts absolutely blows my mind. Demands for clothing, toys, candy, phones etc are more than often received not with thanks, but with criticism. Case in point…M has a sister living in KSA with hubby. They have a house in sheik Maldoon with 8 bathrooms. Sister asked me to by clothes for her son. So I did. I sent pics per her request. Omg…all kind of complaints. Really? Why? Shorts look too small…blah blah. Really. I flat out said to M. When I receive a gift, I say thank you.

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Ana, wa alaykum asalaam.

    I was thinking earlier than if the other woman’s home and contents is included then surly Edith home and contents should be included. What you said makes sense that Edith money should be taken before the estate is divided. I have so much learning to do on this subject. I don’t have anything else to add.

    I look forward to hearing from ummof4 Insha’allah

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I know what you mean by the matter with Edith being very confusing. At one time I was totally confused with the Islamic inheritance laws. There was a time when I would get dizzy and have anxiety when trying to figure it out and understand it. Then I got better with it, but don’t have much to worry about, as my husband and I have no children. My husband has a will and has everyone whom he needs to considered covered.

    After Edith presented her dilemma, I looked into it more. As Ummof4 stated, if there is no will, the inheritance laws are still in effect. What I gathered is the inheritance kicks in after the legacy (will) and debt are paid. Edith’s husband had no will, but the inheritance laws regarding the children are still in effect. I’m no expert or specialist in the inheritance laws by any means, so please, no one hold me to any of it.

    In Edith scenario, there was no will, but the inheritance laws still kicked in. The percentages to the kids still must be paid. Her daughters decided to go against the Islamic inheritance laws and go with Swedish law, which gives the two of daughters 50% of the father’s estate. I’d think the 40% that Edith says she is due should be taken off the top before anyone begins to calculate the estate. The daughters would get 50% of what is left after Edith took her 40 % and there would be another 50% left. I’m assuming the 50% should be divided between the wives and the sons, according to the Islamic division. I’d think to make it fair and just Edith should keep her house and everything in it and the other wife keep the one that she is in and everything in it. I’m sure the husband contributed to Edith’s home and everything that is in it, the same as he contributed to the other wife’s house and everything in it.

    I dunno. Marie, you’ve got any THOUGHTS about it???? off the top of your head????

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Halma, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I second all that Marie stated to you about bonding and favorites. You don’t want to get caught up on concerning yourself with who your husband loves more. It doesn’t make a difference one bit. It won’t help you enter Paradise by him loving you more. What matters is whether Allah loves you.

    Husbands in polygamous marriages have favorite wives, which is okay. Allah in the Holy Quran let’s us know that a man will love a wife more than another. It’s normal and there is nothing wrong with it. Allah places the love in the heart of man (as in mankind). We don’t place it there.

    There is nothing to say a man has to try to pretend and hide how he feels about loving the one more than the other(s). Women tend to know who the favorite wife is. It was well known that the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) favorite wife when he was polygamous was Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her).

    Try not to focus on who your husband loves more. Don’t look for signs. Remember the importance of Allah loving you.

    Whether wives bond, simply because they are married to the same man I know if all the husband’s wives are “believers” they will bond. The simple fact that they are believers – believe in all that Allah says in the Holy Quran, and try to live the Quran, creates a bond between them. Allah says He brings the believers together. I have love in my heart for the sister and brothers-in-faith on the blog, just because It’s just there.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Maliha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Sis, welcome to polygamy 411 I’m so happy you are here with us. It’s nice to meet another Muslimah who married her husband in the order of 3rd. Shabanah was recently here and she married in the order of 3rd as well. Here at the 411, we view all wives as equal, regardless of what order they married in.

    You already met Marie. She and I seem to be on the same page a lot. I agree with Marie that you shouldn’t involve your husband in what has been happening with his son. Yuck. It must be way awkward for you, to have your grown, married stepson come on to you/ hit on you. What is wrong with people? Unless the stepson gets way out of hand, don’t tell your husband or the son’s mother what the son has been up to. They’ll only turn against you, and make you out to be the bad person.

    You probably have already done so, but you need to tell your stepson to knock it off right away or you will go to his wife, his dad, and his mother and let them know what he (the stepson) has been up to. If he sends you any text, I suggest you keep them all in case you need them as proof against him in the future. Keep a copy of the text you send to him, as well, telling him to knock it off (stop).

    I’d suggest you keep your distance from him and from your co-wife whom you say seems to have a romantic interest in you. I’m sorry; but it makes me want to barf. What kind of craziness is going on in your world

    You have a good attitude. You said, you don’t care whether your husband lose interest in you or not; you have Allah. The way to go; although, I don’t know why the thought crossed your mind that your husband may lose interest in you

    Maliha, I’m so very happy to hear you are at a good place right now. You’re doing really good in trying to stay in remembrance of Allah. Insha Allah, if you haven’t been doing so already, make sure you ask Allah to let you remember Him. Don’t despair and give up, whatever you do. Before you know it, you’ll be remembering Allah almost constantly. 🙂

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Marie,

    I’m laughing. I was writing when your comment came through.

    @Ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If you are reading, I’d love to hear your take on the inheritance laws and what Edith has set forth.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Edith,

    Even if you want to go deeper – let’s say you deduct 40% (what is yours that is separate from the estate); it leaves 60% of your husband’s estate. Your daughters between them, according to the Swedish law they intend to follow, get 50% of the 60%. It leaves you with 30% available to divide between you, your husband’s other wife and her sons.

    You have a house and the other wife keeps her house, as well. It sounds fair and just to me. You said you want to follow Islamic law

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Edith, is the 40% your contribution to the other home or is it what you get as a wife under Swedish law?

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Ana, I thought the 40% that Edith was taking was her contribution to the other wives home, which wouldn’t be part of the husbands estate. the daughters have hired their own lawyer and are taking the inheritance under Swedish law. I thought it was the daughters who had sent the lawyer to tally up what is in the cos home. I was under the impression that as it was the daughters who have sought legal help to get 50% of the estate there was nothing that Edith can do. So after Edith gets her money back from the cos home which is 40% and her daughters take 50% under Swedish law there is only 10% of the husbands estate left to be divided by Islamic law?
    It’s how I understood what Edith said, but I’m way confused now.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2015

    @Edith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Sommmmmmething doesn’t sit right with me about all you said in your last post. I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. As you stated, the matter is far more complicated now. You no longer are only dealing with inheritance and a contract (Marriage License), but have ADDED Swedish laws.

    You said you want to follow Islam and live with good conscience. I’m not seeing the inheritance laws being carried out based on Islam, as you, yourself, just said you want to follow. If it was just about a Marriage License (contract), you could take control of the estate, and divide it in a way that would benefit all parties involved and give you a clear conscience. As I stated in my earlier posts to you, your husband’s other children are orphans and orphans are very important in Islam.

    Your daughters went through the backdoor to take control of 50% of the property when, ACCORDING TO ISLAM, they are only supposed to receive 2/3rds of your husband’s estate between them. Are your daughters Muslim? Your husband’s sons are supposed to get a portion equal to 2 females. We’re talking inheritance and the children – not Marriage License (contract). There was no will, so you and your daughters should look at inheritance with regard to the daughters and your husband’s sons. Inheritance is to be paid after the Will (Legacy)and debt. There was no will, so you’re dealing with inheritance with regard the children.

    You said your contribution was 40%. So, based on what you’ve said your daughters took all of your husband’s estate, except for 10%. It made me laugh that you said you are following Islamic law when you take your 40% plus another 1/8 and say the other wife gets nothing, neither does her children. Where is the Islamic division?

    I would think that if you were really concerned with Islamic division as YOU SAID, since your daughters took 1/2 the inheritance, you’d divide your 40% and 1/8 according to Islam, including your husband’s other wife and children, as the contractual marriage license division no longer comes into play – your daughter invalidated the marriage contract (license). You’re dealing with Swedish law right about now.

    Take it a step further. Dealing with Islamic law, the husband was supposed to leave the wife a year maintenance. Of course your husband left no will. As you are NOW trying to deal with inheritance Islamically speaking, according to you. Could you not find in your heart the kindness and consideration to let the other wife and her children live in the home that they are now living in, for a year? Instead of taking everything that they don’t have receipts for, why not let them have everything that is in their home?

    I’m sorry. You sound to be patting yourself on the back for following Islamic law of inheritance, when you most certainly are not. Those are my thoughts on the matter.

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Wa alaykum asalaam Edith.

    You made your intention to divide the inheritance according to your knowledge of Islamic law, it’s all you can do. You have no control over your daughters and what they had intended to do. It appears you will get what you originally wanted. I’d take it as blessing for accepting Allah’s will for you to live polygamy even with an unkind co wife who intended to cause you and your daughters pain and upset. There’s no more you can do. I think it’s very nice of you to set up a fund for the boys. It shows what a kind hearted person you are. I think whatever you can give to X co and her boys in charity will be more good deeds for you, as I believe your intentions are good (For the reward from Allah)

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Maliha, I’m also glad the blog has been a help to you, Alhamdulilah. I don’t know what to say about her “like” liking you. Some women are just more lovey than others.

  • Marie

    February 16, 2015

    Maliha, welcome to the blog, it’s so nice to have the silent readers here. I’m thinking your co (the one who likes you) may have wanted to have friendships with her co wives but it never happened with the 2nd, she may be really happy that you two can have a a friendship. As far as telling your husband about the boy/son I don’t see any reason why you should tell him, you seem to be handling the situation yourself. And I suppose you don’t want to cause problems that aren’t necessary.

    Halma, I don’t think me and my co have a bond and I don’t think one would develop because we love the same man, but that’s just my opinion. If we ever talk (me and my co) I could only imagine that the bond would be based on the fact we are both Muslim and have the same goal of jannah.

    About showing preference for one wife. Unless a man actually says who his preferred wife is, I suspect that a woman would assume it’s the other. In the beginning stages of polygamy men go through their honeymoon stage so it can appear that the new wife is the preferred wife, it may or may not be the truth. In reality it makes no difference because Allah has made men able to love more than one woman, and it is Allah who puts the love there. Favouritism needs to be a none issue in polygamy because otherwise the preferred wife tries to maintain being the favourite and the other tries to compete, it’s crazy. It’s wasted time for both women.

  • Edith

    February 16, 2015

    ASA all,

    Now it is even more complicated. I had decided I think to have all my contributions deducted from the inheritence and then follow Ummof4:s advice and allow for islamic dividing. I want to follow islam and live with good conscience. I know that my daughters can provide for themselves they have good education MashAllah. But my daughters (20 and 18 of age) had obviously expected this and when I told them the day before yesterday they said they will not accept this but will demand forced heirship under Swedish law. This means they have a right to half the inheritence because they are the only legal children of my husband. They had already contacted a lawyer they tell me because they feared I would “be fooled to cheat them out of their inheritence” as they said. So they get half. Which means they get 50/100%. Then follows that I deduce what is my contribution which is something like 40/100% and then I take 1/8 of the 100%. That leaves #2 and her sons with practically nothing. I have also had my lawyers in the house where she lives and they have taken notes of all content. She can keep the things she can show receipt for, the rest is ours. They have also received their notice of eviction today. So now things are out of my hands InshAllah. Maybe I could set up a small fund for the boys? And I will promise you that I myself will have a will so nobody must go through any problems after I die. My muslim lawyer told me of a case he had had with a man who married a Swedish girl as his second wife. They only had nikah, no marirage license and their children were only recognized as his religiously, not legally by the authorities. And then the Swedish wife died and her family took the children. Since the muslim man was not legally married to the mother and not registered as the father he could do nothing. He wanted a DNA test and prove that he was the father but the family refused and children can not be forced to leave DNA against their guardians wish. So the father lost his children and can never see them again. I believe we must trust in Allah but we must also trust that Allah has given us the possibility to safe guard against such things if we only think and write the correct papers and make sure we are protected also by the law. Thank you Ummof4 for your advice.

  • Halma

    February 16, 2015

    @Maliha does your hubby overtly show preference for a wife?

    I guess for some there is that bond of both woman loving the same man

    Isn’t there a threat of such situations arising in poly marriages?
    @Ana is it common and can it happen?

  • Maliha

    February 16, 2015

    AsSalaamu alaikum everyone. I’ve been silently reading the blog for sometime and gradually taking in all of the given advice and trying my level best to remain in constant rememberance of Allah. I’ve been married into polygamy for eight years and I’m a third wife. I’m at a good space right now I overcame a lot at the beginning. Halma I’m here to tell you those feelings you are having are quite natural about thoughts of your hubby being intimate with others. I get along quite well with my other sister wives. Husband tries to keep us as one unit although we have our own dwellings we live within minutes away from each other. My first sister wife and I are close but I’m at a stand still with her. I don’t know how to put it accept saying it straight. She kinda “likes me” likes me which is weird because she has four children by my husband. I do know she grew up with not so much money and her marriage to my husband was arranged so maybe she never wanted to marry him. I know she has been through a lot with him and his marriage with the second sister wife and his other proposals and myself so I feel sad for her. When she texts me inappropriatly I jokingly go along with her I don’t think she’s into women I just think she’s in pain and is longing for attention my husband no longer gives her and I know it’s a possibility my husband will one day lose interest in me but I don’t care. I will always have my Allah. Her married son was texting me inappropriatly at a time too and he’s married but I shut it down of course. I never told hubby because he has a temper I don’t want him to divorce my sister wife I believe she’s a really good person inside she’s just lonely and in pain that she hides behind her smile so I’m going to keep trying to help her instead of embedding. I’m American/Malaysian living in Malaysia. And Muslim of course. I never told my husband about my step son because I know it would burn the bridge between the boys wife and I. Wives never blame their significant other. What do you all think. Am I going about it the wrong way?

  • Halma

    February 15, 2015

    thank you Ana
    ur right it is beyond complicated
    the mind can be cruel and invent all sorts.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    @Marie, Alhumdulliah,

    It looks like it’s just you and me today, my friend, with Halma. It’s all good!!! 🙂 Thank you for not leaving me out here by myself.

    Yes, I’m glad Spirited shared the Ali Khan video with us. It was much needed with all the craziness that is happening in the planet these days, involving people who say they are Muslim 🙁

  • Marie

    February 15, 2015

    Ana, “freak of the week” you make me laugh, I forgot to mention I liked the nouman Ali khan video. Iv always like his vids. His translations are excellent.
    Definitely any woman should only do what is comfortable in the bedroom. I think your advice to halma was . I can’t think of anything else to add.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    When I say it’s complicated, it goes way deeper than the average person knows. Once one have a better understanding of Islam (is a believer) one begins to know human nature. Allah has cursed some people and has placed abominations on them. They do abominable acts. If one knows this, one knows that some people will go to the dark side when it comes to lust and desires. I’ll leave you with that…

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    @Halma,

    Everything is okay. You have to lighten up on yourself. It’s not unusual at all for a wife to feel not so self assured after her husband has married another woman. Many men desire more than one woman and it’s not a reflection on the wife. It’s the nature of men, not all men, but many of them.

    The topic you’re speaking of can be quite complex. If a husband marries another woman and the existing wife notices a difference in her sexual relations with her husband, she can best believe that he has brought it from his more recent marriage. Where else would it come from?

    There have been wives here who have said their husbands have come home trying to do haram (sodomy) sex with them. Well, if he wasn’t doing with his first wife, but marries another and then comes home trying to do it to his previous wife, well, HELLO, he’s doing it with the other.

    One sister-in-faith was here on the blog and stated she had major back problems, had an operation or two and needed another one. She felt a need to please her husband and compete with his newly married wife. She suffered tremendously in silence, while he had sex with her every which way but up, as the expression somewhat goes, trying to please him. For what? It didn’t change him being polygamous. She only harmed herself and jacked up her body probably even worse.

    Many Muslim women are shy and timid when it comes to sex. It’s because most or many were virgins, and had only been with the one man. Maybe he had only been with her. The media, TV, movies and PORN let men know there is a whole other world out there to be explored. Many men, including Muslim men, seek out promiscuous, loose, uninhibited women for that purpose. Many want to marry Westerners for that purpose. Many want to do what they see in porn movies with the women. Maybe some have freaky desires, want to be spanked, want to call the wife obscene names while having sex with her etc. There are women who want to watch the porn with these men and do what’s done in those movies. For every weirdo man out there, there are women who are obliging.

    My philosophy is only do what you feel comfortable doing in your relationship. If he wants to do something that you don’t like or don’t want to do, don’t do it. Let him go to his other woman and do it. Some people only live to satisfy their lusts and desires. There are some people who are modest – they can enjoy a nice, healthy sex life and be modest, as well, without being animalistic or perverted.

    Don’t compromise who you are to satisfy someone’s desires. Do what you feel is right and comfortable for you. He could have four wives. If he wants a freak of the week, let him go marry one of them. If he wants to act out what he sees in porn movies, let him go be with the woman who wants to get down and dirty like it. If you’re that woman, so be it. Don’t let your husband pull you out of character.

  • Halma

    February 15, 2015

    Thank you for your replies
    I guess it would take time getting used to especially for someone who suffers from anxiety and is quite shy by nature. It can be a nightmare thinking the other is more confident in that area.
    @ Marie and Ana Is it normal to witness slight changes in his bedroom antics which may suggest he likes something / discovered something from the other

  • Marie

    February 15, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum halma.

    I agree with Ana on all the questions you asked. I will add that when my hubz came home from the first 3 days with his new wife, I screamed at him that he doesn’t know how it feels to imagine your partner with someone else (sexually) he said don’t think about it. I also received some very good advice from a sister who said, I have been married to my husband for a long time and there’s nothing that they can be doing that we have not already done and are still doing. Of course only what is halal,

    About comparing wives sexually. I have asked my husband before and he said all sex is good sex, there’s no need to compare. However he did admit to comparing personalitys and habits. He says me and my co wife are different but not that one is ‘better’ than the other, just different. He loves us both for who we are, women who strive to be better Muslims.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    @Halma,

    last, you asked, “Does the man compare who is better?” Of course, I, being a female, can’t answer the question. I, however, will ask, who cares whether he compares which wife is better? What difference should it make to the wife?

    I would advise any woman NOT to compete with another woman for her husband. It’s not worth it. A man is going to love the woman whom Allah has placed the love in his heart for. Allah places love in the heart. Man, as in mankind, does not put it there. Therefore, why waste valuable time and energy competing with another woman for a husband’s love and affection? The only thing we should compete with one another for is RIGHTEOUSNESS.

    Halma, you asked some very good questions. Please feel free to ask anything you’re inspired to and I will try to answer as best I can. Insha Allah (if it pleases Allah) others will chime in, as well.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    @Halma,

    You asked, “Are STD common / a likelihood in poly marriages?”

    Sexually Transmitted Diseases are probably no more or less common in polygamous marriages as they are in monogamous marriages, dating relationships, or any other type of marriage (polyamorous, Gay/Lesbian). With the ease of travel and easy access to social media on the internet, it’s easy for people to meet all types of people. They get together and they marry. Who knows who the people have been with and what they have?

    In the United States, for instance, anyone may have sex with anyone. It doesn’t matter as long as a person doesn’t commit a crime such as rape, which would be a criminal offense. One is not allowed to have sex with someone against his or her will or without his or her consent. Furthermore, a person is not permitted to have sex with an under-aged person. Of course, one shouldn’t commit incest either.

    Polygamous marriages are no different than any other marriage. Who knows who has what unless the parties get tested. Men have been known to lie and say he got tested or the newcomer wife got tested when she didn’t. How is one to know? I doubt the new comer wife or the existing wife would turn over her medical records to the other wife. Many a man would marry or have a sexual relationship with any woman whom he lusts after who is a willing participant. Who knows who has got what? One never knows.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2015

    @Halma, Hello and welcome to polygamy 411

    It’s good to hear you’ve been here with us, reading along. There are many silent readers here. Whenever you feel ready to share some details of your story, we are here to listen, and give the best advice we are able to. I will answer your questions as best I can based on all the information that has been shared on the blog since it’s been in existence.

    About the repulsive feelings and inappropriate images and whether it’s normal to have them, I have to say yes. The way Satan lead people astray is by whispering to them. I think it’s safe to say the mind is Satan’s playground. The mind entertains whatever you allow it too. Wives will imagine images of their husbands with the other wives and may feel repulsed by it. If the woman lets the thoughts and images play out in her head, she will be hurt by it and feel pain.

    If you are Muslim, you will know that Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt. If images are playing out in a woman’s head and she’s having repulsive thoughts, it is because she is not remembering Allah. Allah says when we don’t remember Him, He gives us an evil intimate companion. As you can see, Satan is an evil intimate companion. A woman mustn’t allow herself to entertain the whispers of Satan. She should seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed.

  • Halma

    February 15, 2015

    I have been reading quietly for a while and am not ready to share too much detail about myself at this point.
    However was hoping someone could shed some light about intimacy between wives and the husband.
    1) Is it normal to feel repulsive and have inappropriate images about the other woman when hubby comes back after his days with her ?

    2) Are STD common / a likelihood in poly marriages?

    3) Does the man compare who is better?

    I would be thankful to hear some thoughts.

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2015

    “Start Looking in the Mirror”

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All Our Friends,

    Since it’s a bit slow, I thought I’d share with everyone a video that Sis Spirited shared with me. You should be able to recognize that it covers some of what has been said here on our blog – for instance, about learning the Quran, recognizing all of Allah’s Prophets and that we must change the condition of our hearts. Although the video is not about polygamy, what the lecturer discussed should help all of us in going forward and improve our lives.

    Thank you, Sis Spirited!

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Good Day, Everyone

    I’m hopeful everyone is having a lovely day and is at the top of your game whatever game you’re playing.

  • Gail

    February 14, 2015

    Ana,
    I loved what u said to Edith and I agree with u 100%.I know Ummof4 means well but something didn’t sit right with me for Edith to just hand over everything to that woman.U always say people have to be on the same page and these two obviously are not and never have been.I don’t personally believe that a person has the right to call themselves a believer and badmouth another believer and be justified in doing that.My point is just because the woman says she is a Muslim she is not acting like one so why should Edith be held accountable to someone who is not acting like a Muslima is my sincere thinking.Had the Witch been decent to Edith all these years this would be a nonissue today because Edith would have desired to help her cowife is my sincere guess.This is a very good lesson in what goes around comes around in my opinion.

  • Edith

    February 14, 2015

    ASA

    I want to thank you all for help. This is a mess. I have asked a bankman to separate everything that I have contributed from what my husband contributed to our properties. I have asked a muslim lawyer who says that since they married in Sweden where muslims must obey the law the nikah is valid (if she can find the papers) but she can not claim inheritence because that is another law and only applies if the nikah had been legal as well as valid. The imam she talked to does not agree. I have also talked to an imam who says the nikah is neither legal nor valid if it was performed in Sweden but both legal and valid if performed in Egypt. And I don’t know that. I talked also of course with my wali (my uncle since my father died) and he said that if scholars disagree one should follow the ruling that matches my conscience.
    I WISH my husband had made a will. I havent got the strength for this now I want to tend my daughters and grieve in peace. #2 is bombarding our friends with hatred towards me and lies. I just sit and cry. I must find a way to solve this that gives me peace without cheating my daughters of their legal money. Please make duaa for me, and my daughters. And make sure you have wills!!!!

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

    By the way, I’m glad you asked the Imam for a copy of the former co’s marriage, Nikah contract. Why shouldn’t you have proof of the marriage, if you could get it??? People are telling you to give that woman your house and monies and whatever else you’ve got. Only a fool would turn it over to someone who is said to have been your husband’s wife, without looking into the matter further. By looking at her contract, if one exists, you may find other information in it of value to help you determine what they agreed to.

    Just because you didn’t do anything to oppose the marriage previously or you didn’t ask for proof of it all these years means nothing. There is only so much a woman can do when a husband says he has married another woman. Sometimes you just have to go with it. It a whole other animal when someone is telling you to turn over your possessions to a total friggin stranger.

    I think the woman has audacity to badmouth you on Facebook, telling others that you killed your husband (caused him to have a heart attack)all the while trying to take from you everything you’ve got. Where does she get off?

    By the way, when you said her kids were “bastards” I knew you were just hurting. I knew where it was coming from. Sis, ask Allah to forgive you and have mercy on you. Everything is going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, Sis {{{hugs}}}}

  • Gail

    February 14, 2015

    Ana,
    I am going to talk to hubby tomorrow on making a will to protect our Pakistan Assets.

    Ina,
    Girl I am so sorry u r going through all this insanity.Obviously your cowife is Jealous their is not a doubt in my mind but I am also seeing she is trying to control and manipulate your husband and he is thinking by catering to her it is some how putting a bandaid on the problem and it just frankly will make things worse.Unless he stops her she is going to be a complete nightmare.If he don’t stop it I would to be frank.This is such nonsense.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    Ina,

    Sis, I hear you. Get that straightened out right away! Some co s are gold diggers. They want everything and want to leave the other wife with nothing. It’s why Edith needs to proceed with caution.

  • Ina

    February 13, 2015

    @ Edith,

    My husband said to me once when it was time to pay zakat: it’s not your money. Allah gave it to you and he requires that you give some of it back to help others. Whatever you give away, Allah will return it you more.

    I second the advice given by the others sisters here which is to get advice from someone else and not just rely on what this imam tells you and don’t make any rash decisions in your period of mourning.

  • Ina

    February 13, 2015

    Another thing I found out is that co-wife is trying to get more money from hubby. Despite agreeing to the financial arrangements before marriage, she is now complaining that its unfair and trying to find reasons to get hubby to give her more money. One of her demands is that if he does not agree to disallow me from sleeping at “their” home in Malaysia then he should contribute more to her living costs in the UK now. I told hubby that it will be very very very unlikely that I would want to sleep in the same house as her so he can agree to her demand as long as he does not transfer the property to her. It’s still partly mine since I have invested my money on it so he cannot give it away.

    All this talk about wills and inheritance reminds me to get ours sorted out ASAP, especially when co-wife is making money demands already.

  • Ina

    February 13, 2015

    @ Gail, you ask how my husband is dealing with this nonsense. It seems to me he tries to keep the peace by doing what she asks as much as he can. His favourite phrase seems to be “I do what I can”. However it seems to me he can more of what she asks than what I ask because she throws the bigger tantrums.

    The one thing he does not compromise on is time as he knows he needs to fair. However, I found out 2 days ago that he basically speaks to her for 2-3 hrs everyday when he is with me. He went to pick up my eldest son from school but had to wait for an hour for my other son to return from a school trip. The school called me to say the children had returned from their trip early. I then tried to call hubby but his main phone is dead (out of battery) and his other phone was engaged (this is the phone he uses to call cowife). I tried calling it for over 30mins. It was so frustrating!

    She throws a tantrum when he speaks to me for 10mins! His excuse is she is needy and likes to speak to him a lot every day. He calls her whenever I am not around him. Told him when the kids are around him, he talk to our kids and not to his co-wife. She gets already gets half of his time whilst the kids already get less than that.

    He say he needs to be patient and hopefully she will calm down on the jealousy. She is so jealous that she will check his phone for msgs, emails to see what he said to me/his friends, etc. He lets her do it otherwise she goes crazy. Anyhow, I told him I don’t want her reading my msgs to him. Even if he doesn’t want some privacy, I do. I should not have to think twice about what I write to him in case she reads or deletes it.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    Anyhow, it was an exhausting discussion about inheritance, Wills, debt and contracts.

    Insha Allah, everyone will look into preparing a Last Will and Testament as soon as possible to avoid chaos and undue stress when you or your husband dies.

    It’s best that a wife keeps her property separate from her husband’s.

    Encourage your husbands to make wills, if they haven’t already done so. Before my husband and I went to Hajj, the tour group we went with made sure we each had a written will. I’ve since then updated mine, which is very simple and to the point, separating business accounts from personal accounts and who get what from the accounts and who gets the real estate.

    No one here is an expert on inheritance and wills or what qualifies as inheritance. Insha Allah, you all will individually look into the matter thoroughly

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    I’m with you that Edith’s situation has hit home for many of us. It is a HUGE eye opener. I agree with you that Edith’s former co is not to be trusted. We know a bit about her based on what Edith stated and she does not seem to have been a team player as you said. Edith doesn’t know that woman. Who knows what her husband has already left her or what they contracted. Did the home belong to Edith and her husband before the co arrived onto the scene? What of the property was already Edith’s and the husband’s that she help pay for or her monies paid for? What is included in inheritance and what isn’t? It’s why a WILL is majorly important, so everything is laid out, specified and without question. It’s asking a lot of someone to try to figure it out after a person’s death. No one knows what was in the husband’s mind. No one knows what his intentions were.

    Gail, you best do as you said. Have a sit down with your husband and determine EXACTLY what is what. You both drawer up Last Wills and Testaments, especially with all the property and assets you both have. Have an attorney prepare the documents. Make sure you have the Will readily available should you or your husband die. We will all die. You know the Pakistani mentality. Everyone will come out the wood works with hands out.

    I’ve looked into the matter quite some time ago with regard to my Will. It’s easy for me based on Islamic principal as I am the only Muslim in my family and my husband and I have no children. So, the only one I need to concern myself with is my husband. I have separated my business accounts and what I intend to leave others as a legacy apart from what my husband will receive. He and I have no intention of leaving each other out there like that – not knowing what’s what and having to try to figure it all out.

    @Edith,

    As Marie and Gail stated, don’t rush into anything until you have thoroughly investigated matters and you are of sound mind to make a judgement call. You are still grieving. I think off the top of my head you have three months to grieve your husband’s death. Don’t make rash decisions. Don’t stress yourself out. Don’t let the Imam or anyone else pressure you into acting in a rush.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You need to know that if you are going to proceed as though your husband had a Will and divide the property accordingly, it is not just about your former co-wife. You must distribute the property that you have between your husband’s parents and your husband’s brothers and his sisters, as well. If you are going to proceed as though your husband had a Will you will need to divide his assets between you; your children; your former co-wife; your former co-wife’s children; your husband’s parents; your husband’s brothers; and your husband’s sisters. You must include his parents and his sibling.

    You should consider what Marie stated; you don’t know what your husband has already left your co-wife that you aren’t aware of. I don’t know how you will figure it out. He may have left her an insurance policy already. He may have set up bank accounts for her and her children already.

    The Imam you are dealing with is so busy looking out for the other woman’s interest. Has he looked into what her husband may have left her?

    As Marie stated, you need not rush into doing anything without investigating thoroughly. You don’t know what contracts she and he had. You need to consider contracts that you and he had, as well. Not everything is considered inheritance. Furthermore, as Marie stated, you need to consider his debts that you must pay off as well.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    We had a policy in the past that I would not give out email addresses. The purpose of the blog is to discuss matters on the blog. When the blog closed I did give out email addresses as I thought I had closed it permanently. I have enough Work to do now on the blog as is; therefore will not deal in the exchange of emails and, as of now, the old policy is back in effect.

  • ummof4

    February 13, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Edith. I too am sorry for your loss. I have a few words to say.

    Your husband was married to the 2nd wife for 14 years. Their children are not bastards according to Islam. They are just as legitimate as your children. If you accepted that they were married for 14 years, why now are you considering them noit married?

    Also, in the Qur’aan it is very explicit as to how inheritance is to be divided upon the death of anyone. It is a complicated formula, but it does state that each wife receives 1/8 of the husband’s estate (if he had 2 wives)after payment of legacies and debts. It is also true that the sons receive 2 times what the daughters receive. I know the requirements, and can figure the formula for your situation, but it is too lengthy to explain now.I would advise you to talk to a knowledgeable Muslim in your area to figure out exactly what the division of your husband’s inheritance would be. If you can’t find one, I would be willing to help you. Ana can give you my email address.

    When a Muslim dies, there are two things to be considered. Briefly, the will is the wasiya. It can be up to 1/3 of a person’s estate, but not more. This is the part in which a person decides before death who gets what. What is left is considered faraid shares, or inheritance. This is what the ayat in the Qur’aan talks about and gives the formula for. No one can change this because it is from Allah.

    As Ana has stated, pensions and social security benefits (do they have them in Sweden?) are not part of a person’s estate. However, here in the United States many companies and government agencies allow people to name beneficiaries that are not their spouses or blood relatives.

    You are Muslim, your husband was Muslim, and I assume that his other wife is a Muslim. As Muslims we have to follow Allah’s commands, even if we do not agree with them, because really our opinion does not matter once Allah had commanded us in the Qur’aan. It is unfortunate that you and your husband’s other wife never got along and that your husband did not leave a will.

    Edith I ask that you try your best to conduct yourself as a Muslimah who loves and fears Allah, and wants to get to the jannah. You showed that when you informed his other wife of his death and janaazah. Please do not let your husband’s other wife’s behavior influence you to do something that is not correct as “payback.” I will make du’ah for your husband, you, your children, your husband’s other wife, and their children.

    To everyone, may Allah guide us all to write wills as He tells us to in the Qur’aan. May Allah guide us to obey Him in all His commands. May Allah forgive us our shortcomings and help us to become better Muslims each day.

    Have a blessed Jum’uah everyone!

  • Gail

    February 13, 2015

    Coco,
    Hope u r enjoying time with your brother.

    Ana,
    It is really slow around here lately seems everyone is on vacation.
    Edith situation really makes one stop and ponder everything.
    As much as I hate to read about Edith situation it has really hit home to me that my husbands property in Pakistan needs to be sold and money come this side to USA or he must make a will naming me to be safe.I don’t trust my excowife to not try something fishy and I am going to talk to him on this topic tonight and fix this issue.My husband has at least 6 homes and several businesses and a college and primary school and small bazaar he owns in Pakistan.He has showed me in the past but I didn’t pay much attention to be honest.He has always said when his parents die he is going to sell everything.He gives his parents the monthly income from his properties and I have never said a word about it but I am going to speak up now as I feel my husband is for lack of a better word simple when it comes to finances.

  • Gail

    February 13, 2015

    Edith,
    DO NOT let anyone pressure u into doing anything u r not ready to do.I would seriously advice u not to hand over that home anytime soon since u r grieving.My gut tells me don’t u dare do it.
    I have another idea that u might like.What if u let her live in the home for awhile until she can find a new home or until all the children r older.U have alot of options please do not just run and sign the home over to her.U have no guarantee that she would not just turn right around and sell the home after u signed it over to her and she walk away with the money.I am saying think very very hard before u just sign that home over.I personally wouldn’t do it.I would be as decent as I could but the more I think on it I would not give her the home.Edith the way she has acted towards you in the past screams she is not a team player and she is not to be trusted in my sincere opinion.Keep everything in your hand to protect all the children is my very best advice to u.

  • Marie

    February 13, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum all.

    Hey Edith, Welcome to the blog. Regarding your situation. I don’t know what if any inheritance your X co is due. It would require me giving you a ruling on something I have little knowledge about. The imam who came to see you appears to have given you a very cut and dry answer, I’m familiar with what he has told you but I don’t know if he knows enough about your situation and contracts you made with your husband. Circumstances change things. You said you have money in her property, unless you gave (in charity) that money to your husband or co, I would think the money is still yours. I would suggest that you tell the imam and/or X co, that you need to acquire the knowledge on inheritance and work out EXACTLY what is yours and what was his. I wouldn’t just take the imams ruling and go with it. Do you have someone knowledgeable in inheritance and contracts that you could speak to? To help you work out how to divide what’s left, According to Quran. One thing I do know is if your husband has any debts, they must be paid before giving inheritance to anyone. I think this is test from Allah for you, your desire wants to give her nothing but we must intend to do what Allah has ordained. Whatever you intend, it is you who will be accountable for it.
    I forgot to mention that if the husband has money/assets at your X co home then that also must be included.

    I don’t think there’s is a time limit on when inheritance has to be paid to the inheritors, don’t let the woman or imam rush you, as I said you are accountable and I’m sure you want to do the right thing. Remember that whatever you are told you should ask for proofs (from quran) and if their is a difference in opinion, once you have done this you make an informed intention.
    ((hugs)) to you, sister

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    @coco,

    Hey there, sista, coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. It’s good to hear from you, my friend. It’s been a bit quiet here on the home front. You know the saying, no news is good news. I’m glad to hear all is good with you. I could imagine how hectic and busy you’ve been. Take good care of yourself and, Insha Allah, stop in whenever you get a free moment to give us a holla. 🙂 I thank you, for the beautiful Rumi quote I believe what hurts us blesses us, if one is a believer.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2015

    @Edith, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I pray Allah gives you guidance as how to proceed. No one knows what they’d do in any given situation unless or until they are actually IN IT. If not in it, it’s all speculation. It’s easy to tell someone else what they think they’d do, if it happened to them.

    A good lesson should be learned for everyone from what has happened with you. Men rush headlong into polygamy only carrying about themselves and what they can gain, and leave the wives to figure everything out, get things straight, and clean up the mess they’ve made. Now your husband leaves no Last Will and Testament and you get dumped on to deal with what was his responsibility and pressured to clean up his mess.

  • Edith

    February 13, 2015

    Ana

    The house was in my husband’s name. He said it was to safe guard us if she would ask for khul. She hated polygamy too and he said she had thought he would leave me even if he said always he would not. Now I don’t know if he told the truth to her or me, but everything was in his name. So now it is mine.

    Ina. I am impressed by you and the love and dignity you are always able to show even when you have runt into very difficult tests. I wish I could be more like you. But now, if I did what the imam said I would have to give up my home and put my daughters without their home and inheritence for me to give to that woman and her boys. I have tried tonight to pray for guidance but I am not able to do that.

    I believe Allah lets things happen for a reason. Now my husband died without a will leaving all to me. #2 had contacted the imam again and he called yesterday again and said I must give to her and the boys. I asked him about papers for their nikah and he said he would ask. So I’m waiting and using the time to pray for guidance. I thank you all for help.

  • coco

    February 13, 2015

    Assalaamualikum and a big hello to the gorgeous sisters
    Things have been very hectic on my side from the business front and I have my brother visiting so out most of the time. Just wanted to stop in for a quick hello and a welcome to the new ladies. Hope shabanah and Laila are fine I skimmed real quick through comments didn’t see them. Anyways lots of love to you all especially dearest Ana ❤️ xoxoxo

    For anyone in despair always remember “What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
    Rumi.

  • Gail

    February 13, 2015

    Ina,
    I liked what u said to Edith and it shows true love and selflessness on your part.I on the other hand doubt I could be so nice as to give a home my home but I see where u r coming from and it shows your a really good person by heart.I would love to think I could be selfless like that and it is totally possible I might could be but Gosh I just don’t know when it came right down to it.I thought making education funds was fare and just but I see your point totally.

  • Gail

    February 13, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah I saw Ryan”s Story years ago and yes it was very sad.
    My believe is different.I was raised Christian and in main stream Christianity u r correct that they believe suicide will send u to hell but I don’t believe that because I was also taught there was only one unpardonable sin and that was Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost/Spirit(the denial of G.D) Basically being an Atheist.I don’t see Suicide as any worse a sin than stealing,lying,cheating etc…Some people say Murder will send u to hell but I don’t really believe that either since the bible talked about safe places for people to run to for safety.To me someone that has a brain tumor and is dying and gets assisted suicide/dying I don’t consider that suicide any more than praying over an animal before u cut it knowing u r going to kill it.However in saying all this I am not sure since it has been ingrained in me from childhood about suicide and going to hell if I would chance it even though strangely I see G.D as merciful and gave us a brain and if we feel we need to check out a few days early to save pain then where is the harm.It’s not like we r saying we don’t believe in G.D.I am not trying to debate my ideas just trying to explain my thinking process.I know my way of thinking is a hard pill to swallow because in alot of ways it does go against Christian and Islamic teachings.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    Oh, well, it seems no one is in a talkative mood. Hit me up with a comment when anyone feels like talking. Till then, I’m out Insha Allah, I’ll check in here and there to see if anyone has got something to say.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    @Edith,

    You said the house she lives in is yours now. When he died, whose name was the house in? In order to avoid conflict about who gets what, houses that were dowry, for instance, are usually placed in the wives name to avoid disputes about who gets what. What is done before the death isn’t overturned as a result of death.

    It’s why a will is extremely important, as Allah states. Yes, Allah specify what each person should leave another. It’s the responsibility of the deceased before he or she dies. If the person doesn’t do what Allah says and doesn’t leave a will, does it mean that others are permitted to create a will for the person? The person who dies is to make the provisions. He or she will have to account to Allah for not doing as Allah says. It’s no excuse that the person didn’t know he or she would die. No one knows when he or she would die.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    What one needs to know and understand is inheritance deals with what the husband leaves behind that belonged to him.

    What the wife who has a legal marriage contract receives from the government and companies upon the husband’s death is not part of the husband’s estate, and never was. It was never his possession.

    Those monies from a pension, social security, medical etc are for the legal wife and are paid to the legal wife by those agencies. They were never part of the husband’s estate. It’s obvious that another wife cannot lay claim to those benefits because the government didn’t set it up that way.

  • Ina

    February 12, 2015

    @ Edith,

    I am sorry to hear about your loss. I think death is especially hard when it’s unexpected. It’s also sad to hear about the extreme animosity between you and co-wife even after the death of your husband. It was a cruel thing she did saying what she said on facebook.

    Here is my take on your situation. According to the last 14 years, your husband has had a 2nd wife. If you did not ask this question nor ask for proof over the last 14 years then I would assume they are married. Now that you hold the power of money over her, I would not use this to oppress her despite her cruel treatment of you. There are very specific rules about how inheritance is divided in Quran so personally I would be scared to go against this especially when there are children involved.

    Sweden does not recognise their marriage so she has no legal claim over the assets. It was unfortunate your husband and co-wife did not think about what would happen in event of his death. I don’t think they would have a contract to say that she would not receive anything when he dies either. I assume they were married in Egypt so there are probably did not think about having a separate contract for when she moved to Sweden. However, we as muslims live according the laws laid down by Allah so polygamy is allowed even though it is not permitted in your Sweden. I don’t think we should pick and choose which laws specified in the Quran we want to abide by. I know your husband took a 2nd wife without your permission but he did not need it. I know she has been cruel to you and probably does not deserve the money but you need to consider what is best for you in terms of your path to Jannah.

    You could deduct what monies was yours first before dividing the wealth as prescribed in the Quran (e.g. amount of your money was used to buy her house). I hope you can come to some sort of agreement quickly and peaceful so you can focus on getting on with the rest of live.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    @Gail,

    Yes, I can be a bit morbid LOL I have to agree with you on that.

    I can’t get with Doc Kervorkian, nor the right to die. I wouldn’t oppose it, as some people do because I believe in minding my own business and letting people alone. In the Holy Quran we know suicide is forbidden and the person goes to the Hell Fire for doing it. It’s the same belief that Christianity teaches. I don’t know about Judaism’s position on it. I believe if one is solely living on life support, it’s okay to pull the plug, as the person was only being kept alive artificially. My philosophy for me is pull the plug and let me live and die naturally. It then is not suicide.

    Sometimes we’ve got to suffer for whatever reason. We just have to suck it up and go with it – I do, anyhow.

    Gail, I watch a movie on Netflix that broke my heart and couldn’t stop boo hooing. You may have seen it already. It’s an old movie, “The Ryan Story”. It’s based on the true story of the little boy who was a hemophiliac and contracted AIDS from a blood transfusion. If you didn’t see it, but will, have a box of tissues reading. The little boy can act.

  • Gail

    February 12, 2015

    Ana,
    Your post flipped me out totally.I am the exact opposite I don’t want to go with heart attack it freaks me out to think about it.You are one morbid woman!!! hahaha
    Strangely the older I get the more I like that Doc Kevorkian.I use to be so against him when I was younger but the older I am getting I can totally see where it is mercy in alot of ways.I don’t know if I would ever agree to something like that but dying should be much easier but G.D knows best.

  • Gail

    February 12, 2015

    Edith,
    I am also very sorry for your loss.I don’t know for the life of me why some woman accept Polygamy easier than others in the fact that they would try to get along and befriend their cowife of only their cowife would knock off and not act like a jealous witch 24/7.I know if I were u and in your situation if u and your cowife are not going to bury the hatchet between u both now that your husband is dead I would just move on with my life and worry about u and your kids as she is truly not your concern or her children.Your husband obviously didn’t force the issue for all of u to be one family unit and she and his kids were his problem not yours.If it were me I would tune her out and grieve for your husband and move on with your life.
    I know it is hard now but don’t let your cowife bring u down mentally anymore than u already are.If your husband was young then my guess is u r also young and u still have your life to live.I am hoping the very best for you.After you are done morning the loss of your husband don’t be afraid to enjoy your life.Don’t become bitter like alot of woman is what I am trying to say.I would suggest to u to make a will for your kids so everyone is clear on what they get.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    @Edith,

    I was just thinking yesterday that when I pass away, if not in my sleep, I would like to go by way of a heart attack. I know quite a number of people who knew they were dying. It must be difficult to know one only has a short time to live, as in months, for instance. I think I’d rather go suddenly.

    I, too, used to think an orphan was a child without any parents. I’ve come to learn based on my Islamic studies that an orphan is considered one who, more or less, has no father. The children of the women who lost their husbands to death by way of war were considered orphans; although they had mothers. I just go with it, as even children with just mothers are in need of help.

    About you not being sure they were married, it’s not unusual. It’s why it’s important that the nikah and celebration are publicized, so no one can question it. It’s probably a good idea for the existing wife to be invited to the nikah, so that she knows for certain the husband and the woman are married. There at least should be someone there who knows the existing wife, and can let her know the wedding took place.

    It’s difficult for a wife to accept that a husband is married to another woman when she has no proof of it. I don’t think it mandatory that she believes it. If he doesn’t show the existing wife the documents and she, nor anyone she knows was at the wedding, how is she to know they did wed? We shouldn’t just take a person’s word for it. The existing wife doesn’t know for certain; she could only make an assumption based on what the husband said. She doesn’t have to take his word for it. I think if it happens that way in which the existing wife doesn’t have proof of the husband’s other marriage, it doesn’t really matter. The husband will be accountable to Allah for himself. Why make it the existing wife’s problem? It’s not.

    Edith, it’s nice having you here with us. 🙂 I’m glad you graduated to a commentator from a silent reader.

  • Edith

    February 12, 2015

    Thank you Ana and Gail.

    Yes, my husband died too young from a heart attack. Maybe he had planned on making a will when he grew old, but we can plan but Allah rules. Now he died without a will. I wish I could just have grieved but now I am plagued with decisions. We buried my husband the day after he died as is stipulated. I sent a message to #2 after the burial. Since he died on his time with me she would not have known if I had not texted her. He would just not have turned up when her day came. I wonder what she would have done? Well I texted her but she did not answer. In stead she went on facebook and said I had killed our husband by nagging and not accepting polygamy and I was evil for not granting her the possibility to be on the funeral. Well I did not want her there. If he had died on her day what would she have done?
    Are her children orphans? I thought as long as you have a parent you are not an orphan. Maybe I have not understood the word correctly, English is not my language.
    I am not even sure they are married. I have never seen paper of their nikah. I have just his word.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2015

    @Edith,

    Your situation does seem similar to Ina’s in that the women whom your husbands married harassed you both. Now, see what was the result for Edith’s former co. People can’t expect to do dirt and not get it back.

    My condolences on your loss. I know it must be a trying time for you now.

  • Gail

    February 12, 2015

    Edith,
    Welcome to the blog and I have to say I agree 100% with Ana.Don’t worry about your husbands other wife she is not your problem.Honestly u didn’t tell her to have kids and she did not protect herself financially so whats your fault if she was stupid and didn’t plan ahead.Call her up and tell her to BITE U is my advice.If you have never met her children and they do not interact with your children then to be honest I don’t see the point as they r strangers to u and your children and they r not your family.If u decide to do something for the kids I would make college funds for them in their name but I would not give them any homes to be honest.
    I said college fund because your cowife could not get her hands on that and have it written up that if they don’t use the money for college then the money comes back to you.I think that is fair and just .

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone, again

    After considering Edith’s post, I thought to write a post/thread on the subject, which is a follows:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/woman-marries-married-man/

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    I went back and cleaned the Previous post up a little.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    @Edith,

    Please bear with me. I’m Still writing on my phone.

    Forget about how you feel about the second wife and how she treated you. It does not matter with regard to this situation.

    Allah tells us all to leave a will when we die. It’s an individual thing. He tells us how to divide our property. Your husband didn’t do what Allah instructed about a will. He had no will.

    Nothing in the Quran says that when someone dies without a will another person should come along and make a will for the dead person.

    If I understand correctly, you were your husband’s legal wife with a prenupt before he married the other woman. That marriage license and the pre-nup are contracts granting you certain provisions. The woman who married your husband knew you were his legal wife before she married him. She knew that there were certain things that you were going to be entitled to based on that marriage license and prenupt that she was not going to get. Once he died, she had no right to come to you and ask you for what you contracted with your husband before she married him. The smart thing would have been for her to have made arrangements before he died for provisions for herself snd the children. He nor she did it.

    The Imam has no right or authority to tell you what to do with your property.

    Now, on the other hand the other woman has legitimate children by your husband. Those children are now orphans. Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran that orphans are special. If you want to do good for your own soul, seeking the good pleasure of Allah, being mindful of Allah, you’d make provisions for those otphans from some of the inheritance you received.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    Sis Edith ASA

    she gets nothing. I’m driving so I will have to elaborate later

  • Edith

    February 11, 2015

    Greetings all

    I have read this blog for a long time and found comfort in it MashAllah. I live in Sweden and was married to a man from Egypt. We are both muslim. He married a second wife 14 years ago. She lived in Egypt but later moved to Sweden also. He married her against my will and polygamy has been hard on me. She was not a good co-wife. My husband also was not a strong man but allowed her to make rules and play games to hurt me and our children. They have two sons but I don’t know them since we never had anything to do with each other. Just like with sis Ina, my husband used money I had earned and helped save to buy a house for #2. She gloated about it and wrote evil messages. 3 weeks ago, my husband died. It is now clear that he did not leave a will. Everything he owned belongs to me now and my children but I get to keep everything while I live according to our pre-nup. The house she lives in is mine now too. Yesterday I had a visit from an imam from the local masjid. He said #2 had looked him up and the council and is now asking for the inheritence for her and her sons. The imam left me a paper saying I can only keep one eighth of the property and the rest is to be divided between #2 who also gets 1/8 and her sons who should both get double to my daughters. Now I ask you sisters what I should do. This woman has done her best to hurt me and my children. She married my husband behind my back even if she knew I was not informed and would be destroyed by this. And she has been so hurtful to us always. I am not inclined to let her have anything. And according to law here she gets nothing and her little bastards (please no offense) get nothing. That would feel right! But still I am afraid I will regret this later on. How would you feel and do? Please advice! How have you solved this problem for your families?

  • Gail

    February 11, 2015

    Ina,
    How on earth r u living like this in such a hostile environment.How come your husband is not putting a boot in her A$$ at this point? Honestly if someone tried that crap with me I would be pulling her hair out and shoving my size 8 up her and my husbands A$$e$ to be frank.I am not normally a fighter type person but this is off the charts and yes she is a certifiable NUT CASE if u ask me!
    Well it is 100% positive now u know this girl has zero interest in Polygamy.I am curious how is your husband dealing with all this nonsense?
    I am really curious how much u yourself are going to be able to take before u snap.I know had I called my husband when r child was sick and he did not reply I don’t care what the reason he I would more than likely kick him out of my home to be honest.My excowife was doing subtle things with my son like leaving him out.I brought it to my husbands attention and he flat did not believe be so I did not say anything else and decided to let excowife hang herself which she did and my husband and inlaws became furious when they saw with their own eyes.I should mention I kicked my husband out of our home in Pakistan.Believe me when he came to beg and I mean beg to let him into the home and I said NO he went NUTS begging me to let him in the home even to the point of sleeping in an open room attached to our home.Finally after a few days he climbed through the bars on the roof and managed to get into the home even still my door was locked and I refused to let him.I was so pissed that time that I wanted my excowife to see that he was begging me to let him back in and not only her but her entire family had to witness it.
    Once I let him back in to talk he threw himself on me and told me he was so sorry and wanted to take the kids and I out for dinner and I said Oh NOOO I am not going with cowife and he said OH forget that B@tch she is not coming and I am getting rid on her.
    My point is when someone does something wrong with u I am a firm believer to fix their A$$ very good.
    I wish I could say I feel bad for acting like that but in all seriousness I don’t because I feel like she deserved what she got.U play with the bull u get the horns as the old saying goes!lol
    Now in saying all this I didn’t at the time want the family split up I just wanted him to make her do the right things which did not happen he just ended up kicking her to the curb.

  • Ina

    February 11, 2015

    I text hubby a msg the next night after the car boot incident. All I said was our eldest son was unwell with fever and then said goodnight. When he came home the next day, he was surprise to see our eldest at home instead of at school. So we realised she deleted my msg again.

    She later email “the boy” to say I text the msg to try make her jealous and how my hubby was f**king her at the time and who many times they did it before he came home to me. Clearly she wants to make me jealous and is using “the boy” to do it.

    I also found out that she has demanded that I do not even set foot in the house I helped finance in Malaysia. Hubby say he was very sad to think thats how it will be and it will make his parents sad too. I didnt say too much because in my mind i do not have any intention of going to Malaysia in the foreseeable future – i dont think i act handle seeing the things that could be ours but now belongs to someone else. His parents can come visit us in UK.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2015

    @Ina,

    I hear you; why waste your valuable time concerning yourself about what she thinks of you. Who is she? You did good by not responding to her, as she only wanted to upset and anger you. She wanted to get a rise out of you.

    It was bold of him to come to your home with her in the vehicle. I could see him having her with him, if you and she liked each other or at least had been cordial with each other, and had an understanding between you. It’s strange some of the things that husbands do in polygamous marriage. You have to laugh about it at times. How do they think. smh

  • Ina

    February 11, 2015

    I did put the stuff in the boot for hubby to pick up. I found out she will be in the car too so I told hubby that if he is not allowed to enter our house then he should not park outside it. Told him I dont want her to know where I live since she is a little crazy. That made her angry so she later pposted something on her facebook in which she called me a fake muslim. Here is a girl who wears a hijab whilst engaging in sexual acts before marriage and does it without any regrets. Talk about a pot calling a kettle black! I was mad when I saw it and was going to text hubby about it. But I didnt because I am not going to let her get to me. I dont care what she thinks of me anyway.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello all our dear friends,

    Just want to let you all know there is a new thread/post for those who are interested. It covers what we’ve gone over before – nothing new.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/spouse-one-marries-matters/

    If anyone has anything you’d like to discuss, don’t hesitate to bring it up, Insha Allah.

  • Marie

    February 8, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    Ina, I’d agree with Ana, that your co is restricting her own spiritual growth. Personally I would have told my husband I will not be putting anything in the boot of my car, and he can come in and get it, furthermore I’d tell him to not let me know what kind of stupidity his wife is upto. I think your doing really well in dealing with polygamy, onward and upwards.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2015

    Please excuse me – my foul language I have to work on it, my French. Insha Allah, I’ll get better. I used to not ever curse, once upon a time.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2015

    @Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It is sad that she tells him that he can’t go into his own home (your and his home). I think You would have been within your right to tell him that if he needed whatever it was, he had better come inside and get it from you or do without it. He is your husband too and it is his house.

    It’s some crazy stuff going on. Insha Allah, he’ll get to the point where he won’t allow her to dictate his actions. He’s only ruining his own soul by allowing her to control him, as though she is some type of mini god.

    And if you gave him a hug and a kiss, so what. You’d even be within your right to give him some (sex) and he’d be within his right to receive it.

    It’s whacked if you ask me. Don’t feel guilty about something you shouldn’t feel guilty about when it comes to your husband.

    Just imagine the pain and anguish she causes herself by putting such restrictions on him. She’s (A hole) really restricting her own self from any spiritual growth, as well.

  • ummof4

    February 7, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I received your email and responded. Gail, I don’t know what the problem is, but I never received an email from you and it is not in my spam.

  • Ina

    February 7, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ana,

    Hope you have a good weekend too.

    I liked gone with the wind when i saw it as a teenager. Although I always felt embarassed about admitting it to my friends. I used to enjoy the old hollywood musicals (Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly, Doris Day, etc).

    Hubby left this morning. He had forgotten to take something and called me in the afternoon to ask me to put it in the boot of my car. He will came by later to pick it up. He was not allowed to go in his own house to get it (in case he gets to kiss me goodbye again). I am just laughing and shaking my head. I was a little vague as to whether I would do it or not just to wind him up a little bit.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Happy Weekend, Everybody

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2015

    I’ve seen the movie “Gone with the Wind” at least 15 times. It’s on TV now, but in Blu Ray. I must order it in Blu Ray, Insha Allah. What an incredible difference in the picture. Vivien Leigh is as beautiful as Marilyn Monroe was, if not more so. Anyhow, I thought I’d share that with you for what it’s worth. It’s one of my favorite movies. It’s funny, my sister who past away used to love the movie too. My brother-in-law used to tell me she watched it just about every night LOL.

    Insha Allah, everyone will have a wonderful weekend. Keep hope alive

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & hello all my dear friends out there in cyberspace

    @Spirited,

    It’s good to hear from you as always, Sis. I just don’t understand many people. I’m about being myself. I don’t have different faces for different people. I’m the same way around everyone whether Muslims or non-Muslim. I’m just me. Everyone is different though. What can we do?

    @Dear Gail,

    I’m waiting to hear from ummof4 to see if she checked her spam box. A little while ago, I sent her an email to the same address I gave you. I don’t know what ups.

  • Spirited

    February 5, 2015

    Salaam to all,

    Whooooo! New month’s message post!

    @Ana, I have definitely seen that too. Something else similar, Muslims will act like absolute Angels to non Muslims (especially the men will) but be jerks to other Muslims! It’s nuts! Also infuriating, lol. Oh well!

    Talk to you guys again, gonna go to sleep.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    Gail,

    I’m a little busy right now, but tomorrow, God willing, I will send ummof4 a test email to try to determine what the problem. is. Maybe you went into her spam. Ummo, please check your spam box. Sorry about to mix up, ladies.

  • Gail

    February 5, 2015

    Ana,

    I have not had a chance to watch Gone Girl yet.SO u got to see a MO walmart haha
    nice.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2015

    @Dear Gail,

    I thought about you last night when I was watching the movie, “Gone Girl” again. Part of the movie was taking place in Missouri and had a focus shot on Walmart. I’m like, oh, my gosh, it’s what Sis Gail spoke of – Missouri and the Walmart

  • Mari2

    February 2, 2015

    @Ana,
    Awesome!

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    @co-wives club, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It is amazing. Let me share with you; I had already taken the Shahadah, but had a need to take it at the masjid, as I thought I needed to make it a formal act. Remember, I was coming from Christianity into Islam. I went to a masjid that had a large following. The place was quite big and packed. It was just about the coldest place I had ever been. I mean the people were cold as well as the feeling in the place. I was very disappointed.

    Thereafter, one day while out running errands, I met a sister-in-faith in the area I live. I went to a different masjid with her, not the one I spoke of before. The experience there was no better than the first. The sister whom I was with really irked me to no end when we were leaving. While outside she began to act all scared and disturbed because we had to walk past a bunch of brothers-in-faith to get to our car. I couldn’t understand initially what the heck was wrong with her. Then another sister said, oh, it’s okay, they won’t bother you. Here we are in the United States and she’s acting as though we were back in medieval times when men used to ride by a woman on a horse, swoop her off and ride off with her. How crazy is that? Our brothers are supposed to maintain and protect we women. She and women who act like her have no problems being around non-Muslim, but want to put on a show when amongst Muslims.

    Anyhow, she ended up divorcing her husband and going home to her mother in another State, after her husband kept raping her and beating her when she didn’t want to have sex with him. He, in his warped thinking, thought he was entitled to sex from her when and where ever he wanted it. He misinterpreted the ayah from the Quran in which Allah says a man can APPROACH his wife when and where He wants. Her husband didn’t quite understand that approach didn’t mean GET. Nonetheless, sh left Islam when she left her husband.

    I used to come in contact with American born Muslims in Burka who would only say “salaam” to Muslims who were not dressed as they were.They wouldn’t give the full greeting. It was well known it’s what they do. They thought they were better Muslims because of the clothes they wore. Clothes don’t make a person. They didn’t know it, apparently. They’d only said salaam to me, if I forced them to by saying the complete greeting to them after they had turned their heads from me. I was covered properly as a Muslim woman and there was no way they could not have known I was Muslim, but they thought the way they dressed defined them as being better than me, apparently.

    Allah says in the Holy Quran:

    “When a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes careful account of all things.” Quran; Surah 4, Ayah 86

  • cowives club

    February 2, 2015

    Wa Alikum Asalam ladies

    this is very true ana what your saying ppl these days sem to sick to their own kind … and the greetings of salam isnt given to other … if ppl here read the hadiths we are told that it is one of the signs of the last days that the greeting is less and only given to those like themselves … i make it a point to say to everyone i pass or speak with

    asalamu alikum wa rahmatulahi

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2015

    Mrs M, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy you found us and you joined the discussion. We welcome everyone who has a good healthy view of polygamy or would like to develop one. The people here want to learn and live a good wholesome life on this planet. Many people have been helped here including moi ME :-), especially me. It feels nice to be amongst nice, bright, people who are kind with good intent. You sound to be one of those people. We welcome you and, Insha Allah, you’ll stay and be a part of our blog family. Again, welcome!

  • Mrs M

    February 2, 2015

    Assalamwalaikum
    l just wanted to say l think its great there is a forum for the muslim sisters out there who need to feel they are not alone in this…not always common thing like polygamy.
    l know a few people who are living in it and am related to some of them and it’s very difficult and l think this fantastic.

  • alison

    February 2, 2015

    Hey there Asalam aleikum missssing all of my lovely sisters…A big hello to the new ones that I have not welcomed and to the old hope everything is going on well
    just passing my love. Hugs to all

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    I was over on my Facebook page today and one of my friends there said,

    “One thing about being a “religious” person … I noticed when you go to Walmart they have a greeter at the front door that can’t wait to tell you hi ! How are you doing? However when you go to some of these Religious centers no one even says salaam or hi ,they’re not smiling , and you feel like you are attending a funeral , I mean come on at least say Wasuuuuuuuup .LOL”

    It caught my attention as I have heard similar said by some Muslims I know who attend various Masjids (mosques) frequently. Where is the brotherhood?

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the wonderful people out there in cyberspace

    I welcome each and everyone to our new monthly discussion thread for February 2015

    I’d like to bring to your attention that I’ve posted a new post/thread. For those who may be interested in reading it, it is:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wives-blame-husbands/