February 2016 Discussions

We invite you to join our February 2016 discussions.

polygamy 411 February 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 February 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 February 2016 Discussions

Share

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

339 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2016

    This thread is now February 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Letโ€™s say goodbye to the February 2016 discussions and welcome in March 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-march-2016-discussions/

    February 2016 discussions

  • ummof4

    February 29, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisyah, welcome to the blog. Here is a possible solution to your husband having 2 wives in the same house with him at the same time. I believe you said that your prospective co-wife had a bedridden son that she could not leave, but she came and stayed with her husband for a month or more at a time. My suggestion is if and when you are married, that the husband visit his wife in the other house for that period of time to avoid they two wives having issues with each other. My guess is one of the reasons he is marrying you is to have a wife with him at all times. If he was the one doing the travelling back and forth, he would be with a wife at all times. It does not sound as if there are young children involved, so maybe the three adults could work out a schedule.

    Aisyah, please remember that until you are completely divorced from your present, you should not be talking to anyone about marriage. It is enough that the man made his intentions to marry you once you were divorced. He and you have to wait until the divorce is final. Please be patient.

    When my husband had wives in different countries, he was the one who travelled, not his wives.

    Everyone, remember to remember Allah often today.

    Ana, now you have me wondering what you have in store for us.

  • anabellah

    February 29, 2016

    I have a surprise to present to all the readers here at polygamy 411 that I should unveil, Insha Allah, probably sometime in April. I’ve been working diligently on it. Stay tuned ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    February 29, 2016

    Ummof4 had mentioned a number of reasons why some men want their wive all living in the same home with them. I think it’s an ego thing with most men when they want it. It makes the man feel very MANLY when he’s got all his women with him at one time, like he has a little haram or is some kind of pimp or something. It’s a control thing. Others have the wives all living together cuz the men know they can’t afford more than one wife. The man is very selfish in that he doesn’t care what the woman goes through as long as his needs are being fulfilled. It’s agitate me when a man comes here and say he want to be polygamous because it’s sunnah, but then he’s got his wives living together, which is not sunnah. It’s all TALK. They speak as though polygamy is the only and correct way of marriage. It’s not. Monogamy is just as good as polygamy.

  • anabellah

    February 29, 2016

    Tawakkul, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You brought it home (meaning made it clear). Her husband would surely be living polygamy for show and praise, if he intends to show someone how it’s done. It’s a sure way to blow ones blessings. He has no idea how his polygamous marriage would be. He needs to just live it and keep his mouth closed about it. It sounds arrogant. He’s not the first brother who I’ve known to have said such a thing.

  • Tawakkul

    February 29, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum Asiyah,

    I agree with Aisha and Anabellah, you should absolutely avoid living with your co-wife at any point in time it’s just a disaster waiting to happen. There’s a reason Allah made it a requirement that women in polygamous marriages have separate housing and if you want to have a successful marriage then you shouldn’t disregard what Allah says, you may convince yourself that everything will be fine but remember Allah knows best about his creation and he’s given us guidelines for our own protection.

    It’s absolutely important that you work out a schedule for you and your co-wife to have equal amount of time with your husband without the other being there. Meaning if he can’t come to you then you should take turns staying In your husbands home. If you can’t manage to make the times equal then you should try to make it as fair as possible, this is to avoid any future issues, jealousy, or complaints from either of you, feeling like she got the short end of the stick. But definitely avoid both of you staying with him under the same roof at any given time.

    In terms of your divorce it really is unfortunate that the courts are taking so long, but unfortunately you have to just accept it and go with whatever they say since islamically they have that right over you. Technically you’re not supposed to negotiate marriage until you’re 100% free from your husband, but he did abandon you so maybe that’s changes things, I have no idea.

    Like Anabellah said. Idk what your husband to be, expects to prove, but the prophets have already made it clear that polygamy is possible. And polygamy is a sunnah just like monogamy is a sunnah, both lifestyles are equally valid and no one can say that a monogamous man is better than a polygamous man or vise verse because the prophet s.a.w practiced both as did other prophets some of them practiced monogamy and some of them practiced polygamy, it all depends on what Allah has decreed for a person. He should keep his deeds solely for the sake of Allah and not do it to show off to other people and that is better for him.

  • anabellah

    February 29, 2016

    Muslim men are out there talking about they’re going to show people how polygamy should be done as in the Sunnah. Polygamy will probably show them something. They’ll be running up out of there…

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2016

    Aisyah,

    It makes me laugh when I hear men say they want to prove to others and show the world how polygamy works and be an example. They are no body’s examples. The Prophets of Allah are our example. Allah says His Prophets are our example. Your intended, nor any other man on this planet is a Prophet of Allah, so they should shut their mouths about being an example and just live polygamy the same as any other man on the planet who is living it. Polygamy is not better than living a monogamous marriage and a monogamous marriage is no better than living a polygamous one. A man can live either polygamous or monogamous and they both are good.

    Men shouldn’t exalt about being in a position in which they think they are special, and has to show anyone anything. They aren’t all that. Your intended needs to get over himself, and not think he is special. If he wants to show someone something, he should show himself and shut up about it. I’m sorry; those self-righteous brothers rub me the wrong way. Who does he think he is that he has to show somebody something????

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2016

    Aisyah,

    Neither you, nor your soon to be co-wife will be mistresses of any household. You both will be wives who are equal to each other. There is no head of a household in Islam other than the husband. He is head of household. There are no mistresses.

    It sounds to me that you and your soon to be co-wife intend to cohabit with your intended at the same time, at some period or another. It’s a nightmare waiting to happen. I’d never recommend that you and she co-habit with him at the same time. You should each have a schedule in which you and she will be in the home with him on different days or weeks or months, but not together with him, living there at the same time. If you want to manage your polygamous marriage and make it work, Insha Allah, figure out a way that neither of you will be with your husband in his home at the same time. It’s my advice to you.

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2016

    Aisyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    As you have filed for talaq already, and are in the process of having a hearing, I’d suggest you ask the person(s) who is conducting the hearing about the idaat period. Your husband has abandoned you for over a year now. I’d think you’ve already been in idaat, but I’m not in the position to call it. Ask the one who will make the ruling for you. I don’t know the details of your situation. You’ve begun the process with the juris; I suggest you continue with them.

    I doubt it is a sin for you to contemplate marriage when your husband abandoned you over a year ago. It’s amazing that it’s taking the juris or whomever so long to hear your case. Marriage and divorce in Islam is suppose to be very easy. It’s a very simple process. It’s a reason I have no respect for most juris, scholar and the like. They’ve made Islam complicated when it’s not. They want to be important and praised for a position they’ve given themselves. Why is there this long drawn out process the same as in Non-Muslim courts of law? It’s ridiculous…

  • Aisyah

    February 28, 2016

    Waalaikumusalam warahmatulahi wabarakatuh sister Aishah my name sake!!
    Thank you for your warm welcome! May Allah swt bless you!Thanks for your advice too which I appreciated very much.

  • Aisyah

    February 28, 2016

    Assalamualaikum and jzk for your prompt response sis Anabellah.May All Bless you.
    As of now, I m not a ‘free’ woman yet. My current husband left me n hasn’t contacted me or leave any maintainance for me since 7th February 2015.Since August the same year, I have filed for talaq faskh. The case has been postponed for many times and the next hearing will be on 16 March 2016. If divorce is pronounced, InshaAllah, is it mandatory for me to observe an iddah?
    Is it a sin to be contemplating marriage at this stage?
    My co wife n my would be husband , InshaAllah are not cohabiting in a same residence at all time. He provided her with a home where she is living with an adopted son (adopted during her previous marriage).And as he is bedridden and can’t travel , she traveled to him regularly and he to her on a regular basis whenever work permitted.
    He has his own residence which I will be staying when we get nikah.
    My question is whenever co wife come n stay (can be for a few months) who should be considered mistress of the house? As of now, she is the mistress of two houses! But when I come into the picture, can I say I am the mistress of the home I shared with my husband? What about she? Can mistress now be considered house guest?
    My husband to be does intent to set up a home for me in my native country but that will be in a number of years to come when he retired.
    In the meantime, I in need of advice on how to manage and make my polygamous marriage work n for everyone to happy.
    Co wife do not have any children at all except the adopted one and I have grown up children from previous marriage who are independent on their own.
    It is my husband to be’s most ardent desire to make our polygamous marriage worked and as a proof to show the outside world that our beloved prophet (pbuh) sunnah is applicable and a good example to follow. As a wife, I would like to give full support to him.

  • Aisha

    February 28, 2016

    Asalaam’Alaikum sister Aisyah.. Welcome to the blog… I read your post and I thought I HAVE to advice this sister NOT to live under the same roof under any circumstances.. I made the biggest mistake of doing so and honestly you may think you will be able to deal with it in the beginning but I promise you it’s a complete nightmare… Even if your co wife and husband seem to think it will work out do not agree with it.. Sorry if I sound like I’m scaring you but trust me sister don’t go down that road.. I pray if all works out for you Insha’Allah xxx

  • anabellah

    February 28, 2016

    Aisyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s understandable that you’d have a lot of questions about living a polygamous marriage, as it’s all new to you. It’s new to most people whether a revert Muslim or born into a Muslim family Muslim. I suggest that you take your time and read the many posts/threads/replies that are on this blog. There is a wealth of information here at your fingertips. I’ll, however, briefly try to answer some of your questions.

    A couple of rules that apply to polygamy are: As you probably already know, the man cannot have more than four wives at one time. It’s important that we all (mankind) are just to all (of mankind). It’s particularly important that the husband is just to all the children that he has authority over in the marriages – all his wives’ children, whether he is the biological father or not, MUST, MUST, MUST be treated equally and with kindness.

    When it comes to justice between the wives, a lot will depend on what the husband and his wives agree to. Justice is relative to the marriage. Justice is not the same for all husbands and wives. One must keep in mind that a person will only get that which Allah has allotted for the person. Allah determines exactly what we each get. A husband is only the vehicle to deliver it. A husband must not incline so much towards his favorite wife so as to make the other wife or wives feel abandoned. The less favorite wives shouldn’t feel as though they have no husband.

    A marriage doesn’t have to be a legally registered one to be valid in Islam. A marriage performed with a dowry that the husband gives the wife and the number of required witnesses to the marriage makes the marriage valid. It’s good for the wife and the husband to have a written contract between them, so there is no misunderstandings about certain things that may be super important to them.

    A wife can inherit from the husband. Allah in the Holy Quran specifically spells out how inheritance is to be distributed. I suggest you familiarize yourself with the rules of inheritance in the Quran. Make sure your husband has a will that will let the wives know who will handle the burial and what each wife and the children will receive in the event of his death. There was a situation with a wife who was here in which her husband died, She, the legal wife, took just about all of the inheritance, including that of the other wife’s children. It was a lesson for those here to make sure that a husband leaves a will, as there are some wives who have NO fear whatsoever of Allah. They are greedy and selfish. They will take all and everything that they can get.

    The wives should NOT live in the same home, in which they share a kitchen and common areas. Each wife should have her own dwelling. If it’s a two family house, for instance, it’s okay. It’s the same house, but each wife has her own home in it. Wives living under the same roof, sharing common areas was not the way of our Prophet Muhammad (PUBH). It’s an innovation. It opens the door to many evils. It’s torture and torment for most wives who live that way.

    Insha Allah, we’re here for you, if you’d like to chat. Again welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Aisyah

    February 28, 2016

    Assalamualaikum.I am a revert sister.I have been married twice and now contemplating another marriage which will be polygamous.
    My previous marriages were all monogamous.As such I would like to know what to expect and how to handle myself honourably in a polygamous relationship.
    There are a few questions that I would like to ask regarding this :
    Are there any rules a husband has to abide in a polygamous marriage to ensure it’s success?
    Is it considered a valid marriage if as a co wife, her marriage is not registered but solomised by imam or marriage celebrants?
    As such, is she allowed to inherit from her husband?
    Is it advisable for 2 co wives to live under one roof with the husband?
    Jzk

  • anabellah

    February 25, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all of you out there in Cyberspace,

    Insha Allah, you all are well. I’ve been quite busy myself. I haven’t written a post/theme in a while. Latifah’s post inspired me to write one. It is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-and-the-prophets-of-allah/

    The post/themes that I write are for all the readers out there in cyberspace who search for information on polygamy. I know that the majority of our blog family here are already familiar and knowledgeable of what I’ve written. It could be quite elementary for some. Still, it serves as a good reminder. I’m the one who benefit from it more than you know. All who post here help me tremendously to stay focused and on point.

  • anabellah

    February 25, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    I’m just dumbfounded. I’m totally confused and upset about it. I just want to cry…

  • Tawakkul

    February 25, 2016

    Anabellah,
    My husband just told me about that yesterday, it’s so terrible!!! How unorganized, clueless, and stupid does someone have to be to sentence a toddler to life in prison. And there had to be more than one person overlooking the case. I don’t understand, don’t people’s brains work anymore??!!??

  • anabellah

    February 25, 2016

    I’ve placed a link below to an astonishing article (video). I thank Allah much that I live in the United States of America. I don’t want to go anywhere near a so called “Muslim Country.” One only needs to look at all the people fleeing from those countries to non-Muslim countries to know there is something seriously wrong with the so called ummrah. Those people are crazy as hell

  • Aisha

    February 25, 2016

    Hey Gail no he hasn’t divorced me yet he said after my next menstural cycle he is going to divorce me..he has been asking me to come back etc but he hasn’t apologised apparently it’s all my fault I’m an ungrateful wife and I’m going to live a sad life without him lol this is what he said…

  • Gail

    February 24, 2016

    Aisha,

    I tried to find your post but did not see it.I assume u got a divorce from your husband?

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2016

    @Tasliyman, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I just found a few of your posts in spam. I retrieved them and have posted them below. Two are for February Discussions and the other is for, “Husbands Treat Wives Unjustly in Polygamy.” I don’t know why valid posts go into spam sometimes. Sorry for the delay in getting you approved.

    @All,

    Please let me know if you’ve posted and it doesn’t appear. Sometimes they just disappear in a technical error. Other times, they go into spam. Sometimes I skim through spam and other times I just delete them all. If you bring it to my attention that a comment went missing, Insha Allah, I will check the spam queue for it.

    Thank you!!!

  • Aisha

    February 24, 2016

    Tasliyman Thankyou soooo much for your kinds may Allah swt preserve you and grant you the best of both worlds Ameen… It’s soo nice to have such supportive sisters.. This is real sisterhood! XxxxX

  • Tasliyman

    February 24, 2016

    Aisha

    I seem to have lost my previous post – (probably because I was so excited and happy)

    I am so delighted that you are free. Alhamdulillah. Allah is Merciful.

    When we turn to Allah, He helps us in ways we never imagined. You did not see the messages by accident โ€“ it was Allahโ€™s Will that you see it.

    Your previous job is still waiting for you and you have your supportive family with you, especially your mother.

    None of this is co-incidence. It is the Grace and Mercy of Allah being bestowed upon you.

    Stay close to Allah, be grateful for the blessings. You received a chance to make a new life for yourself. Grab it with both hands and make the most of it.

    Donโ€™t waste any time thinking of the two lost souls you left behind. Yes, I see them as lost souls and you are the lucky and blessed one who has been saved from that horrific situation.

    It feels like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders as well because Iโ€™ve been worried about you all this time. Iโ€™m so happy for you. Embrace your future, learn from the past but do not ever look back.

  • Tasliyman

    February 24, 2016

    Aisha

    I am so happy to hear that you are free!!!!! Alhamdulillah. Allah is merciful.

    When you turn to Allah, HE helps in ways we could not imagine.
    Through the Grace of Allah you came across those messages which was about the only thing that would get you to actually leave…

    By the Grace of Allah your job is still available as well. PLUS you have your loving mother caring for you.

    Not co-incidence. The Mercy of Allah being bestowed upon you my dear.

    Remember to stay close to Allah. Block those two individuals (although I would love to call them something else) totally out of your life. You deserve much better. Let them carry on with their insane ways, it’s no longer your problem.

    You have a chance of starting over. Do what is best for you.

    Feels like a mountain has been lifted from my shoulders as well. Strange how we worry about people we never even met.

  • ummof4

    February 24, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all.

    Spirited, I am so overjoyed to hear that you are no longer married to him. May Allah increase you in emaan (faith) and hikmah (wisdom). I know you want to be a wife and mother to a righteous Muslim man, and I believe that Allah will send you one in His time. You have developed many admirable traits over the years and they will serve you well in your life,
    In shaa’Allah. Please don’t rush into another marriage and use the advice of wise people in your family and community.

    Everyone, remember to thank Allah often today for all that He has given you and all that He has kept away from you.

  • Gail

    February 23, 2016

    Spirited,

    Happy to know all is going well with u and u r free now to remarry.

  • Tasliyman

    February 23, 2016

    Aslm

    @Jasmina

    Just a small piece of advice on how to prevent your husband’s actions from throwing you of course.

    We cannot control other people’s actions BUT we can control the way we react to them. You always allow yourself to be upset by his tantrums (for lack of a better word). Make a conscious decision not to allow yourself to be upset by this and let it throw you off course anymore.

    You’ve been working on improving yourself all this time. Making all kinds of changes to handle situations better. If he still get upset for the same things that is his problem – not yours. Until he gets to a point where he also wants to work on improving himself there is just nothing you can do for him. It doesn’t mean you should be stuck in the same bad routine as well.

    This is something that I am dealing with now myself. I handle many things differently now which is the reason why my husband and I have much less arguments than before. But the one time that I fall back into my old ways, he’s right there as well getting upset because I am not acting the way he wants me to. In the past I would then be more upset because he’s upset and we’d spend days hardly even speaking to each other.

    Well boohoo to him – is what I say now. Just as I am learning to react differently to his actions he should do the same if it upsets him that much. He cannot change me and I cannot change him. We can only work on ourselves.

    He got upset with me yesterday and unlike before I just carried on being my normal self. This morning I see he’s also trying to act normal which I find amusing as he usually stays upset for DAYS!!!

    Having said this, I know from experience that it is not easy. Change is not easy but it sure is worth it. Just keep on working on it, start with small things and just keep at it. Eventually it becomes easier.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    @Spirited, Hey you

    I know it must be bitter/sweet that your marriage is once and for all completely over. You did really good in holding up during it all. You are one tough cookie. It’s best that it is behind you and you can move forward. Your husband has a lot to account to Allah for. Allah knows best what his fate will be.

    I only know that from what I know up until now, your ex-husband is not a nice person. He perpetrated a fraud – the lowly piece of sh!t…

    Anyhow, I’m happy your spirit is high and you’re moving on up. I’m so glad you popped in, Sis, and all is going well for you.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Everyone,

    Tawakkul’s post to jasmina and my response to jasmina about it is out of order. I thought I had approved Tawakkuls comment only to come back later to find the approval hadn’t registered. Evey now and again, I have problems with the approvals, especially, if I’m on my phone.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    I forgot that you said you are newly married. Your husband sounds to be a good guy. I remember you describing him before and yes, he sounds to be one of the good ones. We just need to overlook faults in husband, if they aren’t glaring – the kind that we shouldn’t overlook

    There is no telling when the “honeymoon phase” is over. Many times it’s over after the marriage begins LOL I think the whole excitement of marriage and everything leading up to it, as well as the dream, is all to get men and women to commit as husband and wife. Then reality sets in. Most of all of it fades. One stills loves her husband, but it’s a different kind of love. I think it was jasmina who said it becomes a mature love. I’m pretty sure it was jasmina who wrote a beautiful post that summed it up and she’s a youngen What should she know LOL

    I think jasmina called it right that men will be men regardless of their title. I want to get to the point that I stop expecting so much of people. I’m tired of constantly saying, “I can’t believe this and I can’t believe that…” I want to just believe it.

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    jasmina,

    I like the advice that you gave Aisha in saying that she shouldn’t expose her husband. I agree that it would only cause more harm than good. I could see why she’d want to do it though. As you said, it’s best not to.

    Jasmina, you have so much going for you. You know what time it is (what’s going on). You recognized that you having exposed your husband wasn’t a good thing to do, and you learned from it. It’s what is important. We all err. What matters is whether we own it, repent and sincerely not want to do it again. You shared it with us here to let us all learn from your mistake. I’ve done wrong such as it before. It doesn’t feel good afterwards. One thing about it – I haven’t done it again, and doubt I would. I can say for certain that it’s not my intent to do such a thing again. I admire you for being forthright about it

  • Tawakkul

    February 22, 2016

    Jasmina,
    You seem to still be in the same place as the last argument, I’ve noticed a cycle with you:

    Something goes wrong > you want to leave > he says something to get you feeling like things might get better > you say you’ll wait to see how things go (in reality your just waiting for the next fight) > a week or so goes by you think things might be changing > then bam another fight and the cycle starts all over again. Are you recognizing this?

    It seems like Allah is putting things into your life to give you that first step to a better life but you’re very reluctant to accept it. You’re friend offered you a job, that seems like a step in the right direction to me, I don’t know why you don’t see it that way

  • Spirited

    February 22, 2016

    Salaam guys!!!!

    Just popping in and I’m about to go reading the posts I’ve missed.
    I hope you guys are doing well!

    I’ve been busy with classes and general things in life. The search for a husband is continuing, and in case I didn’t update anyone earlier, I’m completely free now, all done with the now-ex.

    Hmmm well, I just wanted to let you guys know I’m still here and always keep you guys in mind. Now to catch up!

  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It’s good to hear you’re not getting depressed. Try not to go there. When I spoke of lunacy, I didn’t mean you, yourself was a lunatic LOL. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting to get a different result is crazy, not you as a person LOL. It’s your actions.

    I’m with Tawakkul that you’re repeating a cycle. She nailed it when it comes to what seems to be going on with you. When I was out in the work force working with domestic violence cases, I learned it was quite common. What the women went through with the men was known as “the cycle of violence.)The men mistreated and abused the wives then would return the next day or so with flowers, saying they were sorry and blah, blah, blah. The wives fall for the line (although, I the men may have been sincere) then they acts out again and so it goes – over and over again. The men have got some serious issues. The women who stay do, as well. It seems you keep falling for the okie doke.

    Who knows where your husband is that he doesn’t show up at your place till 12:00 midnight. Had he though enough of you and wanted to be with you, he’d be at your place at a reasonable hour to spend quality time with you. Yes??? He talks about how good and pleasing to his eyes you once were. He’s letting you know that you aren’t now. I still sense that he is angered and bitter about having to be with you and he takes it out on you.

    Eventually, Insha Allah, you’ll get to the point that you could leave your husband with the help and permission of Allah. It doesn’t seem like a good life for you as it is now. Tawakkul made a very good point that your friend offered you a job. It could be a sign that it’s time to get up out of there and get a fresh start. In time, Insha Allah, you’ll know what to do. I see you have been making a lot of excuses for your husband’s bad behavior, lately.

  • Number4

    February 22, 2016

    Jasmina

    you say that when you have a routine that keeps you religiously focused, your husband disrupts it and your routine goes out of whack. This isn’t good. ..try to keep your routines for your balance. The job offer is a stepping stone, but you have to see it, vidualize it and do it.

  • Tawakkul

    February 22, 2016

    Wow I feel so bad for that sister, it’s true that a lot of men Go the masjid and put on the pious muslim act. but as soon as they get home it’s a whole different story. My husband is a sheikh too but honestly I have no complaints about him, he’s kind, patient, understanding, responsible, the whole nine yards, of course he’s not perfect but Alhamdulillah, sometimes I don’t know what I did to deserve him. we’re still newlyweds though so maybe things will change down the line, only Allah knows. I always wonder how long it takes to get past the honeymoon phase in a relationship, or for a couple to fall out of love. I know not every coule is going to fall out of love but it’s very common for people to get bored in a relationship. I hope it doesn’t happen to us

    It’s funny because just yesterday my husband was telling me about this brother who comes to the masjid who he really likes because he’s always at the masjid, and he’s very generous, and he’s very helpful but he doesn’t understand why he’s been divorced three times, and currently working on his fourth marriage. I told him that sometimes people can seem nice in public but you never know what’s going on in their homes.

    One of my close friends is also married to a sheikh, mashallah for the most part he’s a good husband, but one thing people would never know about him from seeing him at conferences and at the masjid is that he has major anger issues. When he goes out and deals with people he’s very patient and keeps it together. But when he’s home he’s like a ticking time bomb.

  • jasmina

    February 22, 2016

    Mari2

    Yes you are right, I agree with you. I intend on just leaving, not even discussing it with him, just leaving.

    Aisha

    Yeah so many men like that, my friend was a sheikhs 2nd wife, and he abandoned the first wife, and then mistreated the 2nd and divorced… and for years chased her down even when she was remarried he didn’t seem bothered… men will be men no matter their title. But yeah do not expose him, just tell people there was no naseeb between you two. I exposed my husband, he fears even going certain places because of it. Anyhow I’m over it now and not bitter and I wish I never did, it doesn’t help your sould trust me, and people use the info to just gossip. If you want to get remarried show your piety, Allah will expose him should he wish to do so. Just say you are no longer married so it’s not for you to discuss a non-mahram or something along those lines should people ask.

    Gail

    YES you totally get me!

    From what he said recently, I get the impression he wants me to be satisfied with him paying my bills, and providing and for me to forego other things and just let him do his own thing. I’m not happy with that. If i needed a man to pay my bills I could have married anyone and with money. But I married him to share my life with him. So yeah after much thought I am not wanting to compromise on it. Well I can compromise a bit but not fully like it is now. I think I would go nuts . Thank you for your advice, I will ponder over everyone’s advice and see what happens. lol Ana is starting to sound like my mom, she pretty much bangs me over the head and reminds me that he isn’t going to change. I don’t tell her much though as I don’t want to worry her. Def would not get into polygamy again if Allah allows me to but you never know, I didn’t choose polygamy when I met my husband, he chose this and I had to accept it. I loved the idea as I thought it would increase my iman, and i would get rewarded for it, I didn’t anticipate all of this though.. argh. A man makes or breaks the experience of polygamy for a woman.

  • jasmina

    February 22, 2016

    I have been trying to accept and deal with my situation and when I get to a good spot religiously and spiritually, something happens, like my husband goes all abusive and my routine goes out of whack, my life becomes caos for a week, and it keeps repeating itself and i am fed up. He has been under a lot of pressure and finding it hard to cope and with me being very hard on him because he isnt around he clicked and felt a loss of control maybe. It’s not just him, it’s me too i guess, from what he says, he never gets home to find a happy dressed up wife, i am frumpy and angry…. lol well yeah because it’s midnight and I am half asleep!

    Tawakkul,

    no after last week, this is not a situation I accept. I am trying to find a way out, either he changes or I get out, whatever comes first. But I’m mostly just trying to come to terms with it all. I felt attachment to our home and family but now i just don’t care. I’ve lost a lot of interest, if things don’t work out I’m not caring much. I do deep down wish it would work but you know got to keep it real. Yes he has other kids with other wife.

    Number4

    The hope that things would change, believing his promises, and because i have not where to go and because i do love my home and my husband and because i know for the most part his other wife intervening and i have wished he would grow a backbone but like Ana says a leopard won’t change his stripes. alhamdulillah one of my friends back home offered me a small job should i go back so that is something, will have to rough it out for a while until i could save and get a place but an option is there.

    Ana

    Thank you, I do like you your honest advice, perhaps i am a bit mad but I think I’m quite sane for the most part. Like I said I have to work on myself and repeat that process every week because my husband decides to get stressed or whatever he goes through and take it out on us. It’s hard to remain calm and I get sucked into the arguments and then back to square 1 because i get so down. He has been making tauba and staying late into the night in prayer alhamdulillah this week, I have never seem him feeling remorseful about anything, I think he is realising what he is doing is wrong. I guess so far I have tried to be patient, but yeah it’s run out. I will see where I get to, I am happy I am not depressed, I would be suicidal with this mess 7 months ago. Alhamdulillah I am remaining happy (as much as possible) through this turmoil.

    Aisha
    Thanks yes you are right. Believe me, I know. Key thing there is they don’t want to. I used to get down about not being good enough but over the years I have come to know how much my husband does appreciate me he just doesn’t show it to maintain control. he is a narcassist. Like the other day, he said that the way i used to dress was so classy and he went on to mention details about my makeup and clothing and really appreciating my efforts i used to put 5 years ago. Back then, he would complain about my looks all the time. Sooo many times he says things like this where I was like hold on but you didn’t appreciate it back then… so I realised he does notice and probably things I’m the most amazing woman he has ever met but will he ever treat me that way… no that is way below him. OMG i’m going into a tangent again, I do that on this blog. Yes I don’t know where he goes, he says he goes places and I don’t believe him so I check up and call these places and he does go there but there is the period between 9 and 12 that I don’t know so probably at a 3rd we don’t know about or at the 2nd wife’s house. I really don’t care what he does with his time so long as my needs for a husband are met.

  • Number4

    February 22, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum,

    Aisha I am well, Alhumduillah and glad to feel your vigor and energy. Good things are coming for you.

    anabellah very good advice regarding so called pious men and that the Quran has revealed those who do to be seen rather than from their hearts.

    Omg I laughed while reading about the homeless man, I wasn’t expecting that story. That’s horrible.

    Jasmina you’re in my prayers, may Allah guide your feet and your heart to happiness.

  • Halma

    February 22, 2016
  • anabellah

    February 22, 2016

    Aisha,

    The sister who was on the blog whom I spoke of who was married to the sheik said the same thing about her co. The co was all nice and sweet to her and her kids when in front of the husband. When the husband wasn’t around, she was the complete opposite to her and the kid. Those type of people don’t fear Allah. The just don’t care that Allah sees all.

    I think you would do well in polygamy, but just got caught up out there with two psychos. Maybe Allah wants monogamy for you. There are a lot of single brothers-in-faith looking for a wife. You have a wealth of knowledge from being on this blog. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a good person and have a lot to offer another good person. Ask Allah to send you a good, loving, righteous man as a husband. He can do it. Don’t expect perfection in any human, as it doesnโ€™t exist. I need work on getting rid of that expectation.

  • Aisha

    February 22, 2016

    Wow Ana that is sooo sad subhanAllah… It’s so scary.. A sister may think she is marrying a brother who is practising and she marries him thinking he will help her get to jannah by motivating her to do good deeds etc little does she know he is the biggest bum ever… I think I’m put off marriage for a very LONG TIME. There’s no way my family would ever allow me to marry into a polygamous marriage because of the bad experience I had.. But for me personally I don’t think polygamy was an issue It was the people I was involved with. I really dislike the co lady. She was a two faced person subhanAllah.. I don’t understand how people can be so sly…
    Jasmina I hope you’re ok sis.. XxXxX

  • Gail

    February 21, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I read your post and I think u have come to the conclusion that this is really not the life u want although u desperately desire your husband to change.I get where u r coming from 100% being a young mother desiring your husband to take interest in you and your son and want to be with u both I totally get it.
    I would say calm down and take a deep a breath and think logically is this marriage something u really desire to make work.If u desire to make your marriage work then u r going to have chill out.What I mean is u might be the one giving 90% of the giving in the marriage.U know he is a slacker and the other wife has alot of control over him to the point it spills over into your marriage.If u stay u r going to have to chill way out and be ok with the scraps as u call it or get a job and not focus on your husband and what he is doing.U will have to get your own life so that u won’t go nuts understand.Now in saying that if u truly can’t deal his personality then better u divorce and move on and try to find a monogamous man .There is nothing wrong with wanting a full time husband.I say monogamy might be better in your case because u have not had good luck personally with polygamy and honestly alot women are like your cowife and try to control the man so I am thinking best u just avoid that whole thing in the future is my personal thinking but u know best.
    Don’t stress out whatever u do.I would hate to see your health suffer.There are alot of fish in the sea if u decide to go fishing again so don’t stress out!

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    I’ve mentioned this before; one sister whom I’m familiar with was looking for a husband. She was told that she should marry this one brother cuz he was a pious brother who was always in the masjid. Well, she married him alright. Come to find out, he was homeless, which is why he was always in the masjid. She caught a sexually transmitted disease from him, as well. She and he ended up divorces shortly after the marriage, but not before she became pregnant. He then tried to take the baby from her. Last I heard, she had left Islam ๐Ÿ™

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    Furthermore, Allah tells us to make our homes our masjid. I have a room in my home that is masjid. I know my salat are especially and specifically for Allah cuz no ONE other than Allah sees me offering my salat. My husband knows I’m offering it when he is home. Congregational prayer is more than one person offering salat together. Congregational prayer can be done in the park or anywhere.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    Aisha,

    It’s disturbing to me. There are many Muslims who walk about acting all pious and righteous, perpetrating a fraud. It’s why I’m not fooled by someone saying so and so is a pious brother. He’s always at the masjid offering his salats and blah, blah, blah. Who knows what that person does when he’s not at the masjid offering his salats. He may NOT offer the salat at home or anywhere else, except the masjid. Who knows. Allah talks about those people who like to be seen by man and praised for what they aren’t and what they don’t do. Those people don’t fool me. Your husband is not alone in being in the category of being praised for his piety and he is not it. It’s common. There was another sister on the blog here who said her husband is a well known sheik. He has her and two other wives living under the same roof and he doesn’t treat the sister who was here nicely. He spends most his time with the favorite wife. In fact, she said he hides her when company comes to the house. She said he hides her cuz he doesn’t want them to think badly of her cuz she’s so young. I think he hides her for another reason. I don’t think anything of someone running up into the masjid. It means nothing. It’s not indicative of anything. Allah says in the Quran that there are some masjids it’s best not to set foot in. The only masjid built on piety is the Kabbah – Allah says it, not me.

  • Aisha

    February 21, 2016

    Wa alaykum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa Baraktuhu..

    Number4 I am well Alhamdulilah still going strong.. how are you sis?

    I’ve been having conciling and Alhamdulilah it’s really helped me.. I have this huge urge of exposing the co and her husband to the community because he is well known for his ‘piety’.. But I really don’t have the heart to do that.. Wish I did!

  • Mari2

    February 21, 2016

    Jasmina,
    If you are unhappy with your husband and the marriage, negotiate a separation with him. Allah allows it. Just don’t threaten. I don’t know if you have a legal US marriage license or not, but this is what I discovered after leaving my ex. For years of our marriage he threatened divorce if he was unhappy with this, that, or the other. I finally called his bluff and left the marriage. But then he came after me with charges of abandonment, insisting I pay his legal fees because I abandoned the marriage etc. Luckily I had years of texts, emails and witnesses that proved that he was the instigator of the divorce. So he actually had to pay a portion of my legal fees. The property negotiations took 3 years past the 1 year separation requirement of my state. And I am STILL dealing with his crazy brand of thinking…last week he texted me to tell me he’s taking my car because he’s sure it’s still registered in his name. It’s not. Oy! My husband’s craziness aside, if you are a legal wife and you want to leave. See a lawyer and do it right. Do not threaten via words or text. It will bite you back.

  • Number4

    February 21, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh

    Aisha how are you?

    You are all in my thoughts.

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    Aisha, I’m glad to hear it ๐Ÿ™‚ All is well with me. Just staying waaaay busy.

  • Aisha

    February 21, 2016

    Ana I’m addicted to this blog don’t think I will l be leaving any time soon!! Hope everyone is well Insha’Allah Xxx

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    Aisha,

    Seeing your post caused me to smile. I’m so happy you’re still with us ๐Ÿ™‚

    I agree with you that jasmina threatening her husband with leaving, isn’t what should be done. He’ll begin to see it for what it is – a ploy to try to get him to act better. It’s a idle threat. The threat becomes routine and he will not take her seriously. It’s to the point that she either accept him and the marriage as it is or make her intent to leave.

    You made an important point. You said jasmina’s husband doesn’t change because he doesn’t want to. I think you are absolutely correct. Allah says He will not change a person’s condition until he or she changes what is in his or her heart. If jasmina’s husband sincerely wanted to change to seek the good pleasure of Allah and he calls on Allah to make it happen, he’d become a better person. He must want to do it to seek the good pleasure of Allah and not to seek to please jasmina. If he doesn’t make that intent, and effort, he won’t change.

    jasmina’s husband may be quite content with being with his other wife most of the time. He may be very content to just swing by jasmina’s place to check on her, and spend a moment with her. If he is content with his life and routine as it is, then what reason would he have to change? Not many Muslims have made life about Allah. Most make it about their lives and this world’s life. When life is not about Allah, it is about one’s desires and getting them fulfilled. Desires have become the person’s lord.

  • Aisha

    February 21, 2016

    Jasmina I know how difficult it can be.. Giving your husband and your marriage chances after chances hoping tomorrow will better and that it will all just end as a happy ending.. Unfortunately that’s not the case.. It seems that they will never change mostly because they don’t want to.. They think we are the moaning ungrateful wives and they fail to see their own mistakes.. It sounds to me like you’ve just about had enough but honestly if you keep threatening him with ‘im going to leave’ but not going anywhere sooner or later it will stop bothering him.. You need to show him your serious and this has to stop. I don’t understand why he spends such less time with you?? Where does he be when he isn’t with you?? With his other wife or just out??

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2016

    jasmina,

    It doesn’t seem you have listened to a word that anyone has said to you on this blog. You’re looking for your husband to make you happy. You’re looking for your husband to behave as you want him to, as though you are his lord. You have made everything about you, what you want, and about your husband. He has shown you over and over and over again who he is. You don’t want to see or accept it. It is what it is. Stop trying to make it into something that it isn’t. You’ve got to change you. It’s not about him changing. Allah has made your husband who he is. You’re doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting to get a different result. It’s is known as lunacy. You need to start listening to what is said to you from the ladies here. Contemplate it and act on it. Where does Allah fit into your life? He is Lord, not you.

  • Number4

    February 21, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum,
    Jasmina. I think you are playing a poker game with your happiness. You have to be good to yourself and make decisions that are good for you.
    If to are feeling like a single mom, why are you staying?

  • Tawakkul

    February 21, 2016

    Anabellah,
    Alhamdulillah these are all things I learned from you and the sisters here, may Allah reward you all. I’m glad I’ve been able to benefit some of you as well ๐Ÿ™‚

    Jasmina,
    Assalamu alaikum, I was beginning to worry about you, I’m glad for the most part you’re okay. I think it’s just like we were saying, he most likely will not change, maybe he’ll make an effort for a week or two then he’ll become neglectful and fall back into his old ways. So for you it’s a matter of accepting that this is how the rest of your life will go, or finding a way out to make a better life for yourself. I’m sorry that things have turned out like this for you. You say you made istikhara, and right now you’re feeling the urge to leave, maybe that’s a good sign, Allah is detaching your heart from this situation.

    It kind of sickens me that he can’t even manage to treat you with respect for the sake of his son, Does your husband have other kids?

  • jasmina

    February 21, 2016

    If i make it to the weekend. I cant take another minute of this nonesense.

  • Jasmina

    February 21, 2016

    Sallams all

    Yeah had the worst fight ever the other day I didn’t even want to think about it. It was bad. I made istikhara about staying or going and the next day my husband called me to apologise as I was packing so I decided that maybe i would stay and alhamdulillah I did because later my son got very sick and he would have been sick during a 18 hours drive in the middle of no where so I am glad I stayed. However now my love for my husband is pretty much gone. I feel like I’m at a job you don’t like, you know what I mean. A job u can’t get out of bed for and the minute you are there you want to leave.

    My husband has been trying to make it up to me but it feels like too little too late. I am seeing how little he appreciates me and how much the family we have is not how I want to live forever. I am pretty much a single mother. I don’t like waiting up for him and spending all weekend and weekdays and evenings alone. It has been 4 months I think since he took me out and about the same since we spent time at home together. He spend few hours here other day to make it up to me but really am I meant to be grateful for some scraps. I have been graceful however just to avoid any more drama. I am over the drama. He gets home at midnight and I hate it. I realise he isn’t a good husband or father and I do not love him anymore. His values I do not even understand. He tells me that he is going to pay all my debts and take me on a holiday and that things will be fine but no mention of the amount of time he spends here. He just says it’s something he needs to work on. No Ne can buy my love, it all just leads me to raise my eyebrow and wonder what the heck he thinks of me.

    I will make more istikhara but unless something drastic happens I will most probably be gone by next weekend.

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2016

    It happened again ๐Ÿ™

    I’m really happy that you are here. I’ve learned a lot from you that you don’t realized that made me take a closer look at myself and where I need improvement – in communicating with people and about persistence and perseverance such as what you have. Alhumdulliah.

    Don’t think your posts are too long. We don’t care about the lengths of the posts here, so don’t concern yourself with it. Write on. It’s all good ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lastly, I’m so happy that you are less anxious and more content in life. I hear you. I used to be filled with anxiety, and couldn’t sleep for years. I then began to focus on the ayah in the Quran that lets us know that anxiety stems from having the wrong belief in Allah. I began to contemplate the ayah and my life. Me having anxiety basically boiled down to me not believing Allah will do all that He says such as protect me, help me, guide me, provide for me etc. Anxiety is worry and fear. I’m not saying that I don’t get anxious anymore. I have my times, but I’ve improved tremendously from what I used to be like LOL. I can laugh about it now. If I begin to feel anxious now, I try to bring Allah to remembrance. He says when we bring Him to remembrance lo, we see alright. It’s so beautiful.

    Thanks again, for the wonderful post ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    Part of my post had gotten cut off.

  • anabellah

    February 20, 2016

    Tawakkul, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, ๐Ÿ™‚

    You said you knew the basics of polygamy, but never really understood it. You pretty much probably summed up how it is for most the ladies here. Heck, I certainly had no idea the depth of what polygamy entailed. It’s one thing in theory (which is all over the internet). It another thing with dealing with it in real life. It’s one reason it used to piss me off to hear of Imams at the masjid telling the brothers to all go out and get themselves more wives as it’s sunnah. The Imams who encourage it don’t take into consideration what the women go through before they get to a good place to be okay with a polygamous husband. The Imams and men in general have no clue. They aren’t women so they can’t begin to understand. No one prepares a woman for it in any sense of the word.

    Nothing can prepare a woman for a polygamous lifestyle, but telling them what they could expect, how difficult it is and the benefits such as purification of the soul and accepting Allah’s decision etc. is a good start. To tell a woman that she should simply accept it because it’s allowed without getting into the intricacies of what the lifestyle is like is useless to women. Women in polygamous marriages need a support group, so they aren’t going it alone. As you stated reading the different stories and getting insight from women who live/lived polygamy gives one a totally different understanding.

    Polygamy is difficult to live in itself, but is more so when women don’t have the correct understanding of life. You mentioned that we must understand that Allah created us to worship Him. Many people don’t know it. To know that Allah created us to serve Him gives meaning to life. Most people search a lifetime trying to figure out their purpose in life, and are totally confused. Allah plain and simply in the Holy Quran tells us everything we need to know about life. He tells us all about people. All we need to know is there. It’s amazing. Knowledge of such makes our lives so much easier. We could face just about anything with Knowledge of Allah.

    Anyhow, enough said by me. You said it all Tawakkul. I read your post a couple of times. You said sooooo much in so little words. There are some posts that I’d love to have at my finger tips, so I could read them over and over again. The post you just wrote is one of them.

  • Gail

    February 20, 2016

    Tawakku,

    I really liked your post and seems u really have grasped the true understanding of Polygamy.
    I really believe that Polygamy can be a beautiful and prosperous thing for a family and not just the man if the women involved in Polygamy would just embrace it because there really is much good to come from it like having your own army of children.Having a cowife that loves u and has your back esp.. in a crisis situation etc.. People get caught up on the sex act of Polygamy which to be honest is really immature thinking because when u think about all the children u will be blessed with then the sex act becomes a tool for the greater good.It really has nothing to do with the husband loving one wife over the other these our just made up man made things that cause division and strife in families that should never be there.
    Now in saying all this everyone has a choice to be a decent person or an A$$ when it comes to getting involved in Polygamy but it always boils down to maturity in my opinion.Some people are mature enough to handle it and some are not.I learned through my own polygamous marriage that just because your cowife plays mind games and tries to screw things up you don’t have to become part of the nonsense.This is the way I personally view Polygamy now and the things I have learned over the years.
    My excowife is still trying to cause problems.My husband is so sick of her and her family.She is his 1st cousin and just a nightmare.

  • Tawakku

    February 20, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum sisters,
    I’ve learned so much since I found this blog Alhamdulillah, I always had the basic knowledge of polygamy from the Islamic perspective and the rules that go into it, but I feel like despite this knowledge I never truly understood it. I always accepted polygamy as a part of Islam and knew that there were benefits from it but at the same time I viewed it as a trial from Allah and imagined polygamy as one of the worst trials I could possibly go through in this life.

    But reading your different stories and getting insight from women who have experienced polygamy has given me a total new understanding. I realize that my problem wasn’t polygamy itself it was the way I understood it and the way I prioritize different things in my life. I still believe that polygamy can be a difficult thing for any woman to experience especially in the beginning but I understand that we were all created simply to worship Allah, and we should view everything in our lives as a way to get closer to Allah and closer to Jannah. There’s nothing wrong with loving our husbands but it should never get to the point where our husbands become like a second lord for us, or we find ourselves viewing our husbands as our ultimate source of contentment, joy, and happiness, and feeling so attached that we will never be happy without them. Allah should be sufficient for us and he should be the ultimate love in our lives. We should have more trust in Allah, ultimate fear for Allah, more reliance on Allah, and more loyalty to Allah then our husbands. Any woman who focuses on Allah and makes Allah the number one priority in their lives, should be able to tolerate polygamy and accept it. And find happiness and contentment beyond it. One thing that really stuck with me is remembering that our husbands don’t belong to us, they are not our property, they belong to Allah and we all belong to Allah and to Allah we shall return. This life is short, and now when I think about polygamy I recognize that if Allah ever chooses to test me with it then I’m sure it will be a challenge, but I have to ignore the whispers of the shaytan and remember that sabr carries a large reward and all of these worldly affairs are a small price to pay for Jennah.

    Even though I am not currently in a polygamous marriage I think these are all values that that every Muslim needs to learn and I am so grateful that Allah guided me here. This blog has truly Made a change in my life, no more sleepless. Anxious nights for me lol

    I’m sorry this is so long, I just want to thank Anabellah for creating this blog and allowing so many sisters to come here and rind inner peace even through times in ther lives that may be extremely stressful,

  • ~Fatima~~

    February 19, 2016

    Hello Ummof4
    Good to hear from you. Yes I have always been attracted to the tall dark and handsome.. never blonde or blue eyes.. I guess opposites attract as they say.. My daughters are not muslim. They never converted like I did, mainly because their Father did not want them too. But they go to the mosque with me sometimes and they like it.

    Thanks for your kind words, and it was good to hear from you.. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Gail

    February 19, 2016

    Fatima,

    Lord I have been eating up a storm.I am already sooo FAT!!! The doctor said I had anxiety which obviously getting Cancer twice in 6 months would make anyone a nervous wreck I am pretty sure.lol My seratonin level is on dang zero.I was so bad I was twitching all over the place and weak muscles,Severe headaches.It was just a nightmare.I even started shaking like a Parkison patient it was so bad.Celexa has been a miracle for me but I seriously can’t afford to gain a pound.

  • Gail

    February 19, 2016

    Mari2,

    How u described it is exactly right on! I think it is just A Pakistani thing as much as I have seen.I think it stems from greed.Boy they our one greedy nation.
    My inlaws are the same as your MIL as well.They don’t mix up with their family either.We had the same thing happen in our family with a cousin mixing up with another girl so my MIL cut off my sister inlaws engagement to that boy and when she got a divorce I be dang if that same family didn’t come buzzing back around wanting to marry her.It was not for any love for my sister inlaw but they lost a big fish financially when my MIL called off the engagement

  • Mari2

    February 19, 2016

    @Gail,
    Sorry about what your inlaws are going through. But I am not surprised really. Inter family marriages, lack of clear title to land or homes, ever shifting family alliances, grudges that fester, etc. just lead to issues pakistani style.

    It’s really crazy. In M’s family I cannot keep up with who took land from whom, who is thought to owe which sib what for, who’s currently angry about what against whom, whose engagement can be celebrated vs which that should be ignored. And ALL of this drama takes place among cousins, albeit about 300 of them but damn I need a flow chart to keep up.

    Example: while I was in Pakistan the elder sister of MIL came to visit. Elder sister married well, had 5 kids. Elder sister brought on visit the daughter she refused to marry to M. 11 years prior. Daughter was married at the time I saw her and had 3 kids. Time moved on, right? Nooooooo! Not in Pakistan. Elder sister had a headache and asked for Tylenol. I had a bottle but my SIL said to offer her aunt nothing though I was going to do so. When the meal was ready, my MIL refused to allow me to eat with her sister and grown married daughters. My MIL refused gifts they brought to give to me. And my MIL refused to allow me to socialize with them. All for an 11 year enemity? Seriously? Maybe it’s a pakistani thing? Maybe it’s a woman thing. Only Allah knows.

  • ummof4

    February 19, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Fatima, it’s good to hear from you. Ladies, why do so many women fall for the tall, dark and handsome, the foreign guys with the accents? This is a rhetorical question, so I’ll answer it. Many women in Europe and the US are intrigued by anything that is foreign and eastern; it seems more exciting, romantic, passionate and mysterious. So they just melt away when hearing the accent. We look at the movies and read the romance novels and want some of the adventure that comes with foreign men with accents that come from places in the east.

    Fatima, you mentioned that you dread when your daughters go away to college. Have you talked to them about staying close to home? All of my children stayed close to home when they went to college. It’s so much cheaper to stay in state and not have to be worried about the dreaded student loans. Excuse me for asking, but are your daughters Muslim? I’m sure they are wonderful girls.

    Everyone have a blessed Jum’uah where ever you are in this world.

  • ~Fatima~~

    February 18, 2016

    Hey Girls.. Ana and Gail..
    Thanks for the words of advice on the foreign men..But darn they are so good looking.. Actually the friend who gave me the necklace and flowers is from Iraq but I look at him as a friend right now.. Just I was surprised he gave me the gift of a necklace and flowers..

    Hey Gail.. I was on Celexa a few years ago when me and hubby were having issues when he married number 2. I was on it for a year and yes it made me feel very nice and I didn’t worry so much.. but it made me gain a lot of weight .. Or at least it gave me an appetite.. I stopped taking it and didn’t know you cant stop it suddenly.. I did, and boy I was having what they called brain zaps which felt like little electric zaps off and on in my head all day. I had to start taking it again and then slowly wean off of them.. I lost the weight back to normal but it took a few months..
    So if you ever decide to go off celexa, don’t stop suddenly.
    Well, just got home from work. We still have the business together, and basically I manage the place and pay the employees but I work too andI enjoy my job.. The old EX comes in sometimes, but he has NEVER ever brought her there.. He knows better.. hahah
    Ok girls, gonna get ready for work tomorrow.. another day..
    My daughters just had their 17th birthday and are getting prepared to what college they want to attend.. I dread the feeling when they do have to go away..

  • jasmina

    February 18, 2016

    Sallam Everyone

    Thank you for your advice and concern. I made istikhara and so inshallah what i need to do will be made easy. tawakkul i will take on that plan.

  • Aisha

    February 18, 2016

    Jasmina… Hope Ure ok sis.. X

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2016

    I’ll be writing on my phone for a couple more days, so please bare with me.

    @Fatima,

    I love hearing from you. I thought you were here recently, but I now see it was a different fatima. I forgot you have the beautiful avatar.

    Fatima, it’s expected that you’d be sad for some time after the divorce. As Gail said, divorce is hard. It’s hard for those who want it, as well. You’ll feel better in time. Insha Allah, you’ll wed again soon. You are a great catch. Don’t for a minute doubt yourself. Be wise when moving forward with a potential spouse. I’m with Gail that you stay away from foreign men. The whole cultural adjustment is enough to cause you a huge never-ending headache and heartache. Try not to become jaded. In moving forward, it’s important to remember that there is no perfect person out there. We are all flawed. It’s good to hear you have prospects.

    Insha Allah, come chat with us again soon. I miss you when you stay away so long โ™ก

  • Gail

    February 18, 2016

    Ana,

    u got that right the way to my husbands heart is through his parents no doubt.
    Oh my we just got back from Applebee’s and we r all stuff toads.lol

  • Gail

    February 18, 2016

    Fatima,

    Hey girl happy u stopped in and let us know what is going on with u.I am sorry u still feel sad about your ex husband I know moving on is hard.I went through a divorce myself in my early 30s and it was hard on me.I was married to my 1st husband for 15 yrs and with him for 17 yrs so it was really hard on me.He died 4 yrs ago come next week.On another note I think u r doing right to try to find another husband although I would warn u to be careful with foreign men in the future simply because they normally tend to practice polygamy which is fine BUT their wives don’t accept and then u get all the problems that come with the other wife not accepting is my thinking.I think u should have no problem finding another husband.You are a great catch and any man would be lucky to get you!

  • Tawakkul

    February 17, 2016

    Jasmina,
    I agree with the others I don’t think your husband is going to change, you wither have to just accept that this is how things are, or find a way to get out of there and make a better life for yourself.

    I think the best thing you can do is start taking steps as if you were leaving. Get a job, form better bonds with your friends/ family, find a niche or hobby to keep you occupied, and increase your connection to Allah. This way you’re able to keep the doors open for you and your son. This way dowm the line if you choose to leave you will have already built a stable life for yourself and you won’t have to worry about struggling to get back on your feet. And if you choose to stay then at least you will have other things to keep you occupied and happy apart from your husband.

  • ~Fatima~~

    February 17, 2016

    Hello Everyone.. I have not been on here in a while but wanted to check in with everyone and say hello..
    Life has been rolling right along.. I don’t like being alone, but its better then living with lies.. As they say “Trust cannot live in the same house as Secrets and Lies.
    Im trying to trust again, but I have my guard up.
    Im thinking to start dating again.. a few prospects who seem interested,, hee hee
    I was even surprised on Valentines day with a gift of a necklace that came from Mecca and some purple tulips from someone who I thought only liked me as a friend.. hmmmm
    We will see where that goes..
    Meanwhile, the ex old hubs who left me like a not good muslim,still has his new wife here. I have never seen her but others I know have and tell me which still makes me sad..
    But I know I have to move on..
    HOw has everyone been doing ? Would love to hear from everyone.
    Fatima

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2016

    Gail,

    All that you said is good news for you. The inability to achieve an orgasms isn’t the end of the world; although I certainly understand your concern. It may be worth foregoing an orgasms to be happier in life and your family is happier as well. So, you found the “happy pill.” I’m happy for you. You know it’s music to my ears when you say you’re accepting of your husband’s parents. He won’t let anything get in the way of his parents. The way to some husband’s heart is by way of their stomach (food). Your way is to appear to love his parents as much as he does. Smile ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I agree with what Gail said. It doesnโ€™t look good for you. You’re EXPECTING your husband to be and behave a certain way. We can’t dictate how someone will be. You can simply state your case to him for better treatment and others could argue with him on your behalf and it’s as good as it gets from a human perspective. A Leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.

    I think Gail is right in saying you need to do something to better yourself and ACCEPT what your marriage is or getta steppin (leave).

    You really need to sincerely focus your attention on Allah for either options to happen. You need to ask yourself if you’re making your life about Allah or you’re simply chasing your worldly desires.

  • Gail

    February 17, 2016

    Ana,

    I went to the Doctor today and had another mole removed just to be safe.The doc said it looks perfectly normal and not cancer but sent it off to pathology to make certain.I am trying to be very proactive now when it comes to getting more cancer.
    The doc also told me my twitching had to do with anxiety and that is because my serotonin level is way down so she put me on celexa for 6 months and boy do I feel so much better already.I been on it for 2 weeks now and this stuff is amazing.I feel so calm and relax now.No more feeling like I am loosing my mind.lol
    It is so strange because even if I do get upset but in the next second my brain just says no and will not let me go there.It is the weirdest thing ever but man I am so happy.Also strangely hubby and I are getting along fabulous and I mean fabulous so the medication has helped our marriage a million percent.
    I still have some eye twitching but nothing to bad now.The down side to the medication is I can’t have an orgasm(the doc warned me) that really sucks but intimate is way better these days.
    If anyone knows of any kind of natural stuff I can take to counter balance the effects of celexa so that I can achieve orgasm I am all ears!LOL
    On a different note there is so much stuff going on in Pakistan with my inlaws that is mind blowing to say the least.
    First my inlaws have been fighting over their home with my father inlaws dad because the property was in the old mans name and he has been trying to get them kicked out of the home for several years now but my inlaws refused to leave because they build that home over the years and raised their kids there.They lived in that home nearly 50 yrs.Well long story short they lost their case and the copes came a week back and kicked them out of the home and dumped all their stuff on the road.Needless to say my inlaws are beside themselves.My father inlaw passed out(he has high B/P) and him and my mother inlaw have been crying nonstop for days.
    It also seems that my excowife was there when everything went down and she went to the police and told them that we took the kids out of the country to USA(crying a sob story to the police which was all a lie and had nothing to do with why the cops were there in the first place which is stupid) My husbands brother told my husband to tell me he saw her and heard what she was doing.She also went back into the house after the doors were locked and looted the place and stole about 2,000 dollars worth of small things.She stays upstairs with other family members so that is why she has access to the home.My husbands family have nothing to do with any of those family members upstairs and have not for yrs so she seen her opportunity and looted the place it seems.I don’t understand what she is thinking but seems she has gone from bad to worse over the yrs with stealing and lying.
    We finally got my inlaws calmed down.I should mention none of cared anything about the family house it was the fact that my husbands grandfather is an A HOLE and did this to them and other family members all because they would not divorce me.It has been building up for yrs and caused so much tension over the yrs between my husband and inlaws and myself.
    G.D let me see something clear which I found really amazing!My husband and inlaws did bad with me when my husband married me(used me for greencard) and I suffered for it mentally and emotionally all these yrs because only one sister in law tried to tell me what was going on as much she could.
    In my case my sister inlaws could not speak up against their brother or they would have been in serious trouble with my husband and inlaws(I mentally get it on their side) But on my Mother inlaw side her sister inlaws all screwed her a million times worse.They used her and kicked her away like an old shoe to the point it is really shocking to me.She has married several of my father inlaws brother and sisters with her own siblings and still they mistreated her so horrible.When I tried to talk to my father inlaw the other day he just started crying.Sooo it seems my anger is over with my inlaws now after G.D showed me everything clear.
    I told my husband to tell them not to worry we will all put our money together and build a huge home in DHA(it is best area).At first they said it was to expensive but I guess after thinking on it they decided to get on board with the idea.
    I don’t want to make it sound like they r homeless because we have alot of rental homes in Pakistan but all of them were rented and it takes time to get people to vacate properties.My inlaws will be back here in USA on the 29th.
    Hubby and I are taking the kids out for my 14 year old birthday dinner at Applebey’s tonight.So that is what has been going on with me.Not to mention we are rushing to get the trucks back on the road tomorrow as well.Been a crazy time at my house lately.

  • Gail

    February 17, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Listen I am going to be honest with u more than likely things are not going to get better between u and your husband.U may go a few days or a few weeks doing ok then his old ways will set back in is normally what happens in most cases.
    I really think in your case u got to stop focusing on your husband changing and stepping up to the plate for u and start being your own advocate and work on improving your own life.I totally understand where u r coming from as a mom wanting to be there and raise your child and not to be busy and occupied with working while he is growing up but I think it is just not going to be possible.You are either going to have to accept that u are going to be treated like crap from your husband and put up with it or move on with fixing your life.I think to be honest u have wasted to many years already trying to make your marriage work.Again I am not saying u have to divorce but I do think u have to tune him out and start acting more like u r single mom and if he tries to stop u from working or doing the things u need to do to better yourself tell him straight he better shut up or he get out of your house.I hate to tell u that but unless u talk to him straight he is going to keep at u until there is nothing left of your dignity understand.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2016

    Jasmina,

    What’s going on?

  • jasmina

    February 17, 2016

    I thought things were improving but they are not.

    SubhanAllah.

    Please make dua for me.

  • anabellah

    February 17, 2016

    Tawakkul, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    The whole row that yoy descibed that took place between the wives and the husband was crazy. I don’t mess around with social media other than having a set up for the blog out there. I closed out the one that I set up for my real persona. I didn’t need to get caught up in my biological family’s drama. Yes the people on this blog is a lot different than elsewhere, for sure. I was wondering what your thoughts are about ameenah’s situation. Maybe there’s something that you could tell her that could help her Insha Allah. I like the advice that you give.

    I’m so sleepy now. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I have to get up in about an hour. I got so much going on right now. Inshallah I’ll chat with you soon. I can barely stay awake.

  • jasmina

    February 16, 2016

    Alahamdulillah Aisha what awesome news!

  • Tawakkul

    February 16, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum sisters,

    I’m the type of person who always seems to stumble upon things that I really don’t need to see lol. So today I happened to come across a huge social media brawl, with two sisters fighting over a brother who married a second wife behind his wife’s back. It got so messy that extended family members from both sides started jumping in, threatening to fight each other posting each others addresses and phone numbers so they can meet up and fight, even to the point that the first wife threatened to shoot the second wife. In the end the man divorced the first wife right there on social media, and they all dished out each other’s dirty laundry for the whole world to see.

    While this whole thing was happening I found myself thinking about you sisters and what a contrast there is between women who fear Allah, trust in Allah, and live their lives focusing solely on Allah and other sisters who let their emotions take over their lives and only increase themselves in pain, suffering and madness.

  • Tawakkul

    February 16, 2016

    Alhamdulillah Aisha Allah is making it easy for you, you have your family, your job, your friends all lined up waiting for you, you have a billion things to be thankful for. Don’t forget to indulge in as much ibaadah as you can during this time, make a lot of repentance and continuously praise Allah. Allah is truly Ar-Rahman.

  • Aisha

    February 16, 2016

    Guysssssss Alhamdulilah I’m still standing strong I haven’t given in w’Alhamdulilah!!! And I’m not even a wreck… Waaahey

    Thank you all so much once again xxxxxxx

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2016

    Sis Pandora, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m still laughing about it LOL. It really sounds like something he’d do SMH

  • Pandora

    February 16, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum Aisha I am so proud of you as well. Your situation has been weighing heavily on my heart. I wouldn’t wish what you had to go through on my worst enemy. You should block their numbers and any communication lines you have with them. Your father can be your representative from here on out. My grandparents, parents and their brothers and sisters are all Muslim too. It’s such a blessing. Thank Allah much. I’m so proud of you. Allah truly loves you Aisha. Maybe Allah had you go through that so it can make you better for a more deserving husband in the future inshaAllah. Just thank Allah with every breathe.

    Sis Ana you had me in tears from laughing so much when you said “who’s your daddy” and tawakkal your response to that ????

    JazakaAllah sisters for the laugh ๐Ÿ™‚

  • asiya

    February 15, 2016

    As salamu alaykum Ana!
    Thankyou so much I appreciate that
    Haha dw I have my days were I feel that way expecially when you have ur first child when the others come along its all natural, but hey look at all the other great things you are doing make the most of it!! All the freedom you get lol don’t get me wrong I love having toddlers who never want to leave my side but it can get a bit to much espically when yu get to the bathroom just imagine trying to go bathroom with a stubborn toddler who who wants to watch you and get into everything from the car boards to the toilet rolls hahaha and the best thing is when they fall asleep the relief yu get freeedooooom!!! Hahah but they will grow up

    It’s funny how when you have children ur child wants all ur attention but it swaps when they grow up and you get old you want their attention

    Everything happens for a reason

  • Number4

    February 15, 2016

    Subhana Allah.

    Aisha there are no accidents, sister this is Allah pushing you forward! Alhumdulilah! You have a better chance at a good life! I’m happy for your new start and for your parents support. Never go back even if you forgot to bring something from that house leave it there! Allah will bring you ease.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    asiya, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    I admire all the lovely ladies such as you who raise many children and do it so graciously with little help from others. It’s marvelous. I could understand why Allah didn’t give me any children with my personality and disposition. I can barely take care of me, let alone just one child. I’d have to be admitted to the loony bin.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Gail,

    You are right about the co going to go 9 kinds of Ape $h!t when she realizes Aisha is gone for good. I don’t think the co is going to be liking her husband all that much when it’s just him and her. I think they get some type of perverted thrill having a third wheel along. They’ll be on the prowl for another victim. I feel so sorry for whomever get caught up in their web.

    Tawakkul,

    The co most certainly does deserve an oscar. She’s got that act down packed. She’s getting enough practice. He divorced another wife before Aisha’ came along. She probably got to steppin quicker than Aisha did. They may get caught up with the right one next time and it won’t be a pretty sight. Not everyone is so easy going about getting screwed over. Pardon my French.

  • asiya

    February 15, 2016

    As salamu alaykum aisha

    I am so so so proud of you and to be honest I am soooooo releaved to heat this has happened for you I just can’t understand how you put up with those two horrible people, but look Allah has been looking after you and you are a beautiful example of this,
    You deserve a better husband for sure!!
    You are in my prayers you may feel hurt but remeber Allah is turning tou to a direction that is better,
    And beware of ur Co and inshallah soon ex husband they are very deceiving dangerous people
    I don’t understand ur Co If she couldn’t handle raising a baby and toddler at same time why did she fall pregnant it’s not hard to not fall pregnant now a days, I raised a 2 year old and a new born baby at same time with no help not even my own husband and I know of people who have and do more than this, anyways lol,
    You are beautiful don’t forget this and u have a beautiful heart from what I have read of you don’t let anyone put yu down

    Much love

  • Gail

    February 15, 2016

    Ana,

    Aisha needs to be screaming “Who’s Your Mamma!” to those dumb SOB’s hahahhaha.
    Her cowife is going to go 9 kinds of Ape $h!t on her husband when she figures Aisha has walked for good this time.

    Aisha,

    Really happy u decided to call your mom and leave.I think it is great u r getting your old job back.Hang in there and don
    t even worry about what they did to u they r not worth a minute more of your valuable time.U will find a decent man and your life is going to end up great I have a feeling.U made the right choice.

  • Tawakkul

    February 15, 2016

    I was just thinking Aisha’s ex co-wife must be the biggest actress on earth, all that excessive crying and screaming and the whole time it was all an act. She deserves an Oscar for that performance.

  • Tawakkul

    February 15, 2016

    ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! That’s so funny, And a big relief too hahaha

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    I got a bigger laugh from your comment, Tawakkul. I was in tears while laughing LOL

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Tawakku, LOL no, no, no. LOL I threw that one in trying to be funny. The men say it to the women when they’re being intimate in some movies LOL I’m sure some say it real life too. I’m so silly. I make myself laugh a lot of times. I was just trying to be comical.

  • Tawakkul

    February 15, 2016

    Okay I think I totally, missed the “who’s your daddy” so I’m just guessing here, I hope I’m wrong…. Did he actually have the nerve to say things like that when he was intimate with your co-wife knowing that you could hear?

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    It’s WONDERFUL NEWS that your family is Muslim. Alhumdulliah. It makes everything so much easier for you. It’s an excellent idea that you send your dad to get your personal belongings. You’ve got the right attitude to stay far, far, faraway from your husband. Look at all the good things that are happening for you now. You’ve got a job all lined up and waiting for you. It will do you good to get out and about among people and socialize. Get some fresh air and live life not cooped up in a house listening to and hearing someone yelling, “Who’s your daddy?”

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Alhamdulilah my family are all Muslim.. As I am a born Muslim w’Alhamdulilah… I am going to go back to work it’s so weird my manager didn’t ever replace me she didn’t know I got married.. But she said I had a feeling you would come back so I didn’t give your job to anyone.. Alhamdulilah I have everything waiting for me. My friends haven’t given up on me either even though I’ve had no contact with them..
    It’s sooooo nice being able to talk to people and not being locked up in a room hearing his crazy wife screaming and shouting.. I genuinely feel like I’ve been free’d.
    Me and my sisters are planning on going away for a few days so that’s something I’ve got to look forward to. Alhamdulilah for amazing sisters and an amazing family Alhamdulilah โค๏ธ
    I’m just afraid of what the next step.. I don’t want to face him or go near the house.. I’m thinking of sending my father to his house to collect all my belongings..

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    One way to keep your mind off of what has happened is to busy yourself with doing something for yourself. What would you like to do with your life? Do you want to receive a higher education? Research how you could get grants, scholarships and loans. If not, look into getting a job, as well.

    I don’t know if your parents and family whom you will now be living with are Muslims. They may love you and are very kind to you, BUT, on the other hand, if they are not Muslim and don’t believe as you believe, you may have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Nonetheless, it is much better for you to be there for now oppose to where you were. We have to remember that we become like the people we associate with. If we associate and are close with non-Muslims we are likely to become one. Allah lets us know it in the Quran.

    Some people say that we aren’t to cut ties with our family. They fail to realize Allah is speaking of the family that are Muslim. Muslim are not supposed to cut ties with family that are Muslim. If they read the story in the Quran about Prophet Noah (PBUH) and his son, they would know it. There is SO MUCH more in the Quran that lets one know who family really is – it’s the believers. We need to know who Allah says we should take into our intimacy and who not to etc. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed by what is going on with you. However, be cautious. Exercise caution in dealing with your family if they are non-Muslim as the advice and information that they give you may be contrary to what we are to believe and do.

    Anyhow, keep yourself busy with bettering yourself and stay mindful of Allah as much as possible.

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Sister tawakkal you’re 100% right subhanAllah…
    Jasmina you don’t understand I promised myself I wouldn’t go through her phone again but I just had this gut feeling I would find something…
    He is so arrogant he will never ask me to come back, so im not even expecting anything. I’m actually so proud of myself alhamdulilah I thought I would be a total mess but Alhamdulilah I’m smiling.. Allah swt has saved me!
    Thankyou sooooo much ladies you all have supported me soo much!

  • jasmina

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha

    SubhanAllah you are doing right by Allah for Him to help u this much so quickly. Allah exposed them real good. Focus on thabking Allah, reading and learning Quran, keep all your prayers and inshaAllah He will take away any bad feelings to come.

    What a relief to know the truth and to be out of there. These people have some nerve. They will get whats coming.

  • Tawakkul

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha’
    Sister Ana is giving you some golden advice, choosing your company wisely is important as well, just like Anabellah said. Alhamdulillah for this website, im sure the sisters here will always be around and willing to give you advice and support if you start feeling down, you’re not alone.

    you have to think about it from the perspective that Allah chooses our paths for a reason, and he knows best, Allah never wrongs people, he’s always just, and he’s always fair, he never burdens anyone with what they can’t handle. He may put trials in someone’s life as expiation for their sins, or to bring the closer to him, or these hardships may actually end up being blessings down the line. you may not see the benefits now but down the line may look back and understand. Alhamdulillah I think you will be fine. As long as you continue to repent, and remember Allah.

    There have been times in my life where I thought I was being punished, or I didn’t understand why certain things were happening to me but now several years later I look back and I am so happy that I went through them because they made me grow as a person, grow closer to Allah, and become wiser. Today I see them as blessings, I’m sure a lot of people can relate.

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    I’m more hurt than anything.. It’s so nice to be around people that care about me.. My mother treats me like a princess! May Allah swt preserve her.. Ameen xx

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Sis Aisha,

    Insha Allah, you won’t turn bitter. The only way such a thing may happen to you is if you sit about and talk with hateful and bitter people. If you listen to those type of people and are in their midst, you will become like them. You’ll be jade, hard and ugly. You must believe that what happened was decreed for you by Allah for His reasons. You can learn from what happened and come out a better, more content at peace person. You could have joy in your life right here and now. I know it’s possible for a fact. Thank Allah for what has happened to you, because it was a good thing. You’re going to be okay. It was bad for them (co and husband), but the outcome could be very good for you. We’ll let you be pissed off today, but in the a.m., Insha Allah, you’ll wake up with a new attitude and a new beginning.

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Jazakillahu Khyran sisters I love reading your advice.. It makes me feel so much better.. There’s no way I will go back even if he begs me (which he will never do) I’m so silly for not leaving sooner.. I’m scared I’m goin to turn bitter I pray Allah swt protects me from it.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    I’d hate to be in their shoes right about now.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Tawakkul, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Right on! Well said, Sis. I’m with you. I would hate to be in their shoes right now

  • Tawakkul

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha,
    Alhamdulillah Aisha think about it this way. As long as you use this opportunity to make tawbah and turn to Allah 100%, put your full trust in Allah, and submit to Allah, You are the winner in this situation, this was all the qadr of Allah, first the miscarriage then you come across these messages. Allah revealed to you just what type of people they are, and Alhamdulillah he gave you the strength to walk away. They are the True losers here, I would HATE to be in their shoes right now. Allah will punish them for any wrong they purposefully inflicted on you,, manipulatiing you, mistreating you, denying you your rights, taking advantage of you. These are huge sins, and remember they will not get away with it, They have no fear for Allah, and they don’t even see what they did wrong subhanallah, if they are not punished in this life they they surely will be punished in the akhirah, and the punishment of Allah is not something to take lightly. Wallahi in my opinion you are better off than them, as long as you turn to Allah just like Anabellah said repent and trust in Allah. I would hate to be in their shoes right now.

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha, I knew there was more to it than you were telling us. I was able to read between the lines. It’s okay. Allah is an Oft-Forgiving and a Merciful God. Ask Allah to forgive you. I’m sure you repented. Make your intent to never return there. Don’t beat yourself up about the past. Don’t keep re-living it in your mind. Ask Allah to forgive you and show mercy on you, then leave it in the past. As long as you keep re-living it in your mind, you won’t be able to move forward.

    Your co is going to catch hell with you gone. She has to care for a new born, a toddler, take care of the home and do all the duties of a wife. She’s going to be tired and at her wits end until he could get another woman up in there to take your place as their slave. Whatever you do, DON’T listen to their pleas for you to come back, saying things will be different. It’s all lies. Don’t go back there under any condition or circumstances. That man has no love for you. The co only wants you back to lighten her load. Be smart. You’re out of there and this is your golden opportunity to get a fresh start. I know you’re fuming. You’ve got to let off steam or you’ll explode.

    We’re here for you whenever you want to chat. We love you, Sis {{{hugs}}}

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    What I have posted on this blog was only 15% of what I was going through during this marriage.. I feel ashamed to admit what I was going through but hey it’s never to late to run I guess.. The funny thing is he knew I did my best and he even said to me I know you did your best but your best wasn’t enough.. After that j knew no matter what I did he will never be content I will always be that ungrateful disobedient wife.. I can’t believe I nearly ended up committing shirk, selling my akirah for a man that wouldn’t even give me the time of day.. I feel like an absolute FOOL. It’s actually pretty funny.. A week ago after I had been slaving around after his wife and kids he randomly decided to take me out to eat.. I knew there was no way he could’ve come up with the idea I knew someone had suggested it, I asked him over and over what I did to deserve him taking me out.. From reading his messages it turns out they both planned for him to take me out to keep me sweet and he actually asked her permission before taking me. He asked her if she would be ok with it.. I was soooo shocked.. He claims to be a man! Woaaaaaaaaah I’m fuming right now..

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Thank you Ana.. I am trying my hardest! Alhamdulilah I’m so blessed I have my Lord and my family.. This blog has helped me SO much! Honestly you ladies are truly amazing..

    His wife keeps messaging me insisting I come back for the sake of my marriage bla bla bla acting like she cares.. She’s probably gutted she has to look after both her kids tonight..

    I do feel like I need someone to talk to maybe a councillor or someone..

  • anabellah

    February 15, 2016

    Aisha,

    I know it is very difficult for you and you are hurting a lot. I know you don’t see it now, but it was the best thing ever that Allah let you see exactly what they were up to. There is no going back there for you. They have been playing you and it’s over now, as long as you don’t go back. You have been shown their true colors. You deserve far better than it. You did good in calling your mum. It will take time for you to heal, but you will. You can come out a stronger, better person from all that you’ve been through. You are young and you can marry again. Just make sure you ALWAYS make Allah first. Remember, be a good servant to Allah before anything else. Never put a husband or children or anything else before Allah.

    Aisha, please know you are not the only one who’s been taken advantage in a polygamous marriage the way you were. I have heard of two other incidences involving women in polygamous marriages who were used as maids/slaves for the other wife and children, while the other wife and the husband enjoyed themselves together.

    Don’t feel taken advantage of, though. Let that part go. Know that you’ve gained from what has happen. You’ve gain knowledge, wisdom and experience. Those two will pay to Allah for what they’ve done. They think they outsmarted you and whatever, but they will be on the losing end, if they don’t straighten up and fly right. Thank Allah much for opening your eyes and letting you see. Ask Him to guide your, help you and heal your heart.

    I’m so proud of you Aisha. You’ve got a kind heart. You’re a sweet person. You’ve got so much to offer a husband. Insha Allah, Allah will give you a husband will will love, cherish you and want to have babies with you ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Sorry I meant she apparently left them open by accident.. I cannot believe the things I read.. They both just used me

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    My co apparently left her messages opened on the conversation between her and her husband and hands up I did read it.. And I found how her husband was telling her how he did not get rid of me because she would need my help. They are also planning on going on holiday together and they openly said they would need me to slave around for them. the co also admitted in the messages how she felt happy when he was talking about divorcing me. Her husband had gave me an ultimatum which was if I ask to go to my parents house I will get divorced so it’s either them or him. For this reason for the first time ever I rang my mum and told her about everything I’ve been going through since I’ve been married she came within minutes to pick me up. I know you guys have heard this before but this time I see all the abuse I have been putting up with and I cannot take it anymore and my parents will also never allow me to go back. I’m not crying or going crazy I feel numb.

  • Aisha

    February 15, 2016

    Jasmina… Sis that’s so sweet.. I like you too! Alhamdulilah I’m ok. I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to put up with.. I love him and I don’t want to leave but im unhappy and I know I cannot live like this.. Things are starting to get worse for me I feel it’s because I’ve started to speak up and stand up for myself. He tells me I’m immature and my ‘best’ isn’t good enough for him. He tells me I’m not a stable wife bcus I walked out once before and he forgave me. I honestly do not feel the same way about him.. He has hurt me way too much especially bcus I’ve giving it my all and he has admitted its still not good enough. When he tells me to leave and go back to my parents he has convinced himself I would never leave..

  • Nadia

    February 15, 2016

    Salam Aleikum!
    Ana
    I totally agree with you a women can’t think and act like a man. Many forms throughout time has definied a womans worth. And one of the most prevalent standards made for woman has been standard of men. But we always forget that Allah has honored us women by giving our values in relation to Allah and not in. relation with men. In the western world and feminism that has erased Allah from the scene there was no standard left exepct for men. Women nowadays are forced to find to their value in relation to men. And by that a woman has lost her value by having a relation with the Creator and has accepted the fault assumpition. The women has accepted that a man is the standard and they will never have values or be a full human without acting and thinking like a man. Nowadays women will like to do exactly what the man would to beacuse of what i mentioned the standard had them. But we don’t understand that Allah has has dignifies both women and men in their distinctiveness not in their sameness. But if we accept that men is our standard we would became very feminine and say if a man can do that we can to. And we also accept that everything a man does and has if much better. If a man can for example lead the prayers we want to and assume that this is better. A muslim women does not need to degrade herself with men, she has Allah as her standard, She has Allah to give her value and doesn’t need a man to do this. We are just trying to be something that Allah didn’t create us like. A women will never reach true liberation until they stop trying to be like a man and instead value the beauty Allah has created us like. We are slaves of Allah and Allah alone. We dont need to be like men and please them just to find our value.
    Thank you.

  • anabellah

    February 14, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Greetings to All,

    I’ve attached a link to an interesting article. A Saudi woman was interviewed about the need for women to make a change. I agree with her that segregation of the men from the females has caused problems. I understood what she meant when she said women need to think and act like men, but I simply think that she didn’t word it in the correct way. Women can’t think and be like men. They could learn how to best function in the work place among men to be successful. (keep in mind. Khadijah who was the first wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a business woman). I totally agree that women need to propagate change for themselves, and not wait for the men to do it for them. Most Muslim men don’t want liberation and freedom for women. The men want to keep the women subservient to them.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-35521922

  • jasmina

    February 14, 2016

    Aisha

    Inshallah you are doing okay. Stay strong, do not be discouraged to do whatever your heart and mind are telling you, so long as you do not lose the essence of who you are. I have taken a liking to you and i do not even know you. I know you are suffering but may Allah ease your pain and give you the strength to get through your situation with or without your husband as i know both would be hard. Just remember that nothing ever stays the same, a change of tide will soon be around the corner for you inshaAllah.

  • Number4

    February 13, 2016

    @rie. ..you can mrmorize hadiths too, but really do you want to? And that doesn’t make the newest wife a better muslim.

  • jasmina

    February 13, 2016

    Soo standing my ground and being a b&%*/ about it is working. My husband is slllloooowwwly changing. I can see his effort.

  • Number4

    February 13, 2016

    @ ana.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Tawakkul, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    There are a lot of posts on the blog from so many people that it’s not easy to keep up or remember who is who etc. I used to do a better job at being able to keep people and their stories straight. I totally understand how you weren’t aware of all the details surrounding Aisha’s circumstance. I agree with your assessment of Aisha’s situation. I like your summary ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Tawakkul

    February 13, 2016

    Aisha,
    Assalamu alaikum I’m really sorry about the miscarriage, I just hope that you’re looking at this as a mercy fom Allah and not thinking now about becoming pregnant again. The reason I bring this up is because a lot of times when a woman suffers a miscarriage she begins to desire another baby to make up for the one she lost even if before the miscarriage she wasn’t even thinking about having a baby. Especially with your co-wife recently having a baby, you have to watch her and your husband being lovey Dovey and cooing over their baby, I fear that it could make you jealous and amplify the pain of a miscarriage, and push you into wanting a baby of your own I really, really, really hope that this is not the case and you’re smarter than that. I hope you’re looking into birth control and plan on trying to prevent this going forward.

  • Tawakkul

    February 13, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum Anabellah
    When I said that Aisha’s husband is being opressive it was under the pretense that he’s not giving her, her rights to her time, refusing her right to separate housing, threatening to divorce her, refusing to let her see her family, taking advantage of her as if she was his maid, accusing her of doing things behind his back <<< these things are oppressive .But I didn't know that he approves of Aisha leaving and has even invited her to leave. Aisha chooses to be there, and often leaves and comes back meaning she is willingly giving up her rights. In that case then he is not oppressing her, even though he is still extremely unjust, Aisha can easily take herself out of this situation and he wouldn't harm her. I think Aisha is relying too much on him for happiness and contentment and not relying enough on Allah. Sometimes even though we say we trust In Allah our actions show otherwise. If she trusted in Allah she would have no issues leaving a bad situation that may not even be 100% halal and know that Allah will protect her, and make it easy for her, and grant her rewards in the akhirah.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I knew someone out there would probably get it LOL

    You asked a very good question, and made a good point. I really don’t know how a wife could approach another or how well it would go over with the first wife or husband, if the newcomer wife approach her. You are so right that the husband usually controls the communication between the wives. A husband may fear a first wife would sabotage his chances for the new marriage or he fears the first wife will be hurt by the news delivered by the other wife and leave him. SMH It’s like a no win situation. I supposed it just has to play out however it does. I dunno

  • Number4

    February 13, 2016

    Salaams,
    Lol @ anabellah. ..lol

    “You can say what you want but I’m not walking out, stop all the rivers, push strike and kill, I’m not gonna leave you there’s no way I will.”

    anabellah you mention in a few post about women marrying into polygamy and not approaching the current wife first. Men control the communication usually, so how would the new wife approach? And there is nothing that says they have to get approval from the other wife or in my case wives.

    I’m glad to see all the support for rie here. We’ve all given a lot of information from our experiences.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Gail,

    I like the way you said it, clearly and succinctly. You said, “I donโ€™t think it is logical to live oppressed when G.D/Allah doesnโ€™t wish that for us and then to say I am living in the oppression for the sake of Allah.” You got that right! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Sometimes we are placed in situations in which we see no way out. For instance, if a person leaves, she knows she’ll be out on the street, sleeping in a box and eating out of a garbage can. In a situation such as it, the woman may have to remain in her condition until Allah shows her a way out. She, in her heart, may truly want a way out, and is finding no pleasure, enjoyment or benefit in being in what she is in (her condition). If the woman persevere, is patient and pray, eventually Allah, most likely will change the woman’s condition for the better. It may have been a test for her that she passed by doing all that Allah tells us to do – be patient, persevere and pray. Submit ourselves to Allah. Humble ourselves to Him.

    For a person to hate something that is not good and not want to do it, is a beautiful thing. The person may battle with her or himself and do so for a very long time, but eventually the tide turns and the person is victorious. The person wins the battle. It sounds like what you described. I used to battle with eating ice cream quite a number of years ago. I knew it was keeping me from losing weight, but I couldn’t stop eating it. I hated it so much – I mean not being able to stop eating it. I loved the ice cream. I tried with all my might. I asked Allah to let me stop eating ice cream. I battled with it for yeeeeears. Guess what? Eventually Allah let me control myself when it comes to eating ice cream. I can eat a reasonable amount on top of hot apple pie or a brownie without having to eat a whole pint in one sitting LOL

    It’s why when Muslims see other Muslims doing something that they think the Muslim shouldn’t be doing, they should mind their own business, as they don’t know whether that person is struggling and battling with something, repenting, making intentions and seeking Allah’s forgiveness or not. Leave the person alone. Just because the person is doing something today, doesn’t mean the person will be doing it tomorrow. The person who talks about the other has his or her own issues that he or she should be concerning themselves about.

  • Gail

    February 13, 2016

    Ana,

    I see Aisha’s situation the same as u do as well.I don’t think it is logical to live oppressed when G.D/Allah doesn’t wish that for us and then to say I am living in the oppression for the sake of Allah.It just doesn’t logically make sense.
    Now I do believe and this is just my own personal believe I have never read it anywhere in scriptures but when I was growing up I used to lie ALOT to keep myself out of trouble and to come and go and do what I want as I pleased.When I reached my late 20s I felt very strongly that if I didn’t stop lying that I would not really know myself and what I actually stood for.I wanted to make myself into a better person so long story short I thought alot about my life and I thought G.D had done so much for Humanity/me that I wanted to do something for G>D so I vowed to to never lie.I have not in perfect but I have tried my very very best to stay true and never lie.It has been a very interesting journey for me one that I have grown to cherish.My legacy to my children will be that they will remember their mother never lied that will be what they remember about me the most I am certain.
    I think Aisha stays because she loves her husband.Eventually she will have to choose to stay or leave.I don’t know what she expects because she couldn’t even be happy and tell him she was pregnant or sad that she miscarried.Her husband is not a spouse to her in any sense of the word unfortunately.
    So many young women stay in bad marriages because of low self esteem and it is so sad because they are worth so much more.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Aisha said something keeps taking her back to her husband once she leaves. It apparently has something to do with her desires that are being fulfilled when she is there. When we follow desires, usually we are lead astray unless the desire has something to do with Allah, such as the desire to persevere, to be patient, to pray, offer salat, to fast, to eat only halal food, to be kind and just to all, to give in charity, the desire to do good deed to get rewards from Allah etc. The desire has to be one such as what was mentioned for it to be good. Allah says if we follow the lusts of our heart, the lust will lead us astray. Aisha has to turn to Allah with a sincere desire to have Allah relieve her of the low desires that she keep trying to get satisfied through her husband. Allah says He will not change our condition until we change what is in our hearts. Aisha has to sincerely not want to indulge herself any longer before a change for the better for her can be realized.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Pandora,

    I think you hit the nail on the coffin, as well, when you said you think Aisha’s issues stem way, way, way before her husband came into the picture. She needs to do some serious soul searching to try to come to terms with what the true problem is that she needs to face. I pray the same for her as what you do.

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and reminders, as well. I can say the same thing over and over again, as it may be the only way for me to get it across to others. When you and others come along and articulate it in your way, it brings it home. Many times you and others could make the message more clearer to others than I can. I need to hear the reminders as well. I don’t know what I’d do without all of you. My life has changed dramatically since Allah has given us this blog. Alhumdulliah!

  • Pandora

    February 13, 2016

    Sis Ana wow you hit the nail on the coffin with Aisha’s case. I think her issues stem from waaaaay before her husband came into the picture that could make her feel as if that is a normal Islamic lifestyle and she deserves it and apparently can’t get enough of it. I pray she realises her worth soon and ask Allah for the strength to leave and create a better, healthier life for herself.

    Sisters, Remember Allah every second of everyday. Always put Him first and you will never be last. I love you all and thank you sis Ana for creating this blog and bringing us all together to learn from each other’s experiences and mistakes. And ALWAYS reminding us of Allah and to read and follow Holy Quran in word and spirit. I don’t know who I’d be without this blog.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    That group tries to do what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did and they can’t. Why? Because it was what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was sent to do and no one else. He was the seal of the Prophets. There is none to come after him. So, what do those ignorant people think they are doing

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Muslims toss the word “Oppression” around freely. A good example of Oppression is the ISL/IS/DASH group that says they are trying to establish an Islamic state when they force Islam on people and kill those who don’t accept Islam. It is a prime example of oppression. It’s one of the best example of what oppression is. Men women and children are oppressed by that group, which creates mischief and corruption in the land, while thinking and saying that they are doing good.

    Allah says there is no compulsion in His religion. The right way has been made clear from the wrong. No one should be forced to live Islam. Those ISL/IS people are misbelievers. They are oppressors.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    jasmina,

    This is the thing. Based on all that Aisha has ever said on this blog, it doesn’t appear she has sacrificed herself for anything or anyone but for herself and for her husband. You mention that she sacrificed for Allah. It didn’t happen. The other day she said that she was doing everything “for the sake of Allah.” I think she meant that she was doing what she does for her husband, seeking the good pleasure of Allah. I think it was memorex. She was only repeating what she’s heard on the blog because she knows we say she should do things to seek the good pleasure of Allah.I doubt that it’s what she does. Why? One reason is because she came back yesterday and said that she was doing everything for her husband. She was doing everything trying to be a “Good wife”.

    When a person gives to get a return from a person, and doesn’t get it, the person gets disappointed. If a person gets disappointed when a person doesn’t act the way she or he expects, whatever was done, was not done seeking the good pleasure of Allah. It was done to seek the good pleasure of the husband and to have him reciprocate with a thank you, smile, happiness, hugs or something. The person gets no blessings for what was done.

    There are no intermediaries in Islam. A wife can’t do good things and be a good wife to her husband and think that she will get barakats (blessings). A lot of teachings out there have lead Muslim women astray. A woman must do all that she does to seek Allah’s good pleasure and for NOTHING ELSE. Only then does the husband get pleased, IF he is worthy, which Allah determines. A wife can’t go through her husband to get to Allah. It’s backwards. The good done for the husband comes from Allah. The good that the wife receives comes from Allah. It does not come from the husband.

    When a person turns to Allah’s creation, Allah turns His creation against the person. When the person turns to the Creator, Allah turns His creation towards the person.

    It appears that Aisha has turned her attention to Allah’s creation (her husband) and Allah has turned His creation (her husband) away from Aisha. Her husband treats her badly and seems to not care, based on all that Aisha has said. He cares nothing about her. He dislikes her so much, and may not know why.

    If a person give anything seeking the good pleasure of Allah (meaning wanting Allah to be pleased with her and knowing that Allah rewards her for all the good that she does) then the person wouldn’t care how much she gives day in and day out, week after week, after, week, month, after month, after month, year after year, after year and gets nothing from the other person, even if it never for ever, cuz her reward comes from Allah and not from the person. If she expects or expected anything from the person she has lost all good. Allah says no good deed goes unrewarded by him, so why should she care that the husband or whomever the other person is doesn’t acknowledge the good or return the favor?

    Aisha’s husband is not oppressing her. Aisha comes and goes freely to and from the husband’s home and to her mom’s home. Where is the oppression? Her husband has told her that if she wants to go then GO. He has said he can’t understand why she is still there He has no respect for her. How can he respect her when she doesn’t respect herself. She lives in a home with her co-wife and husband, which she knows is unislamic and it hurts her, but she returns to it. Say for instance that her husband is oppressing her. Allah says when an oppressive wrong is done to you, don’t be cowed but defend yourself. She doesn’t defend herself. She’s a glutton for punishment and comes back for more. So, apparently, it’s what she gets and deserves. Allah is a JUST GOD.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    jasmina,

    I’ve been a Muslim revert for a good many years now, about 30. I didn’t get to where I am now without many reminders. I was getting reminded daily by my mentor and in my Islamic studies etc. I’m getting reminders every time that I write on this blog. I’m never too sure of myself. Allah could make me an unbeliever in a twinkling of an eye. I’m trying to stay on my game. We’re here trying to remind one another. I’m thankful to Allah that my mentor didn’t give up on me cuz I need a mountain load of reminders every day. I don’t know how he didn’t get tired of me. Jasmina, I know exactly what you’re talking about when it comes to reminders.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    jasmina,

    I agree with you that rie’s co is probably having a very difficult time, which is why she’s acting out against rie. The co probably is simply trying to pretend she has good intentions. 16 calls to rie is an indication that the woman is off her rocker right about now. She’s acting out. Allah knows best. rie will find or sooner or later, but she will, Insha Allah, find out.

  • anabellah

    February 13, 2016

    Number4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I would be surprised if rie’s co isn’t plotting to get rid of rie. The co is no fool. She knows if she aggravates rie enough rie will demand a divorce or just leave her husband. The co has no sisterly love in her heart for rie. She didn’t come to rie with the husband and let her know that she was going to marry him. Now, after the fact, that the marriage has taken place, she’s ready to befriend rie? NOT. The co can’t really love her husband, as they’ve never met in person. As Gail stated and I can vouch for it, one could feel a certain love for someone without meeting the person, but then when the persons meet one or both of their feelings dissipate. The co probably wants to replace rie and walk in rie’s shoes. It’s makes no sense that the co would continue to pursue rie so hard, unless she was trying to get her desires fulfilled. What better way would it be than for the husband to divorce rie and marry the co legally so she wouldn’t have to migrate on a work visa. She’d probably would rather marry legally and come to the country that he is in. She wouldn’t have to work. Rie’s best bet is to have nothing to do with the co until she (rie) gets herself together and see how things go with her husband and the co.

    I wonder what the co would do if she thought that rie was doing just fine and was okay with the set up. The sh!t would probably really hit the fan then. The co could possibly begin to demand that her husband divorce rie or turn really ugly on rie. rie should try telling the co how much she loves her husband and she has no intention to ever leave him, cuz he’s the best man she’s ever known and there is no way she’d ever go. NO, no, no, no way, no, no, no, no, way, she’s living without him LOL

  • jasmina

    February 12, 2016

    Aisha

    What Ana said about making life about Allah… Thats is the best advice. there are a hundred things you could try but its hit and miss. Allah can sort out your life over night if He wanted to.. When i was going through my bad years i did not make life about Allah. That is our best guarantee.

    Ana
    Thanks for your reminders. i needed that reminder. Sometimes i feel i need the reminder many times a day.

  • Jasmina

    February 12, 2016

    It seems rie s cowife is jealous or cannot control herself. Calling that many times is embarrassing but I can only think that she is having a hard time desperate to know more or see if she is with her husband, who knows.

  • Jasmina

    February 12, 2016

    Well said Ana. 100%.

    I agree about the giving too but when you can not control yourself and give too much of yourself it does help to realise that you do not get what you put in. It seems Aisha is giving and giving seeking reward from Allah but getting taking advantage of in the process and I do not know how Allah rewards self sacrifice and accepting oppression. One thing is being patient.

  • Number4

    February 12, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. .

    Ok sisters, 16 calls in one day is beyond suspect and has nothing to do with rie’s being nice to her. Most women married to th3 same man have a competition complex. rie, I’ve been there done that, I already mentioned how my previous polygamous marriage ended in 2002. The other wife called me regularly, she was upset with our husband’s marriage to me. The calls were her pickung for information. ,,it wasn’t about her being closer to me or him. She had succeeded in chasing the first wife away, they actually fought physically, lol unbelievable.

    rie you are the best protector of yourself. Allah is all knowing.

    I also have a younger associate who was best buds with her husband’s other wife, they shopped together, went to Islamic events together. ..then the jeoulosy set in and it became ugly. ..,

    I’m not saying to never talk to her, but too much talking to her isn’t a good thing. Never be so open that you regret it. I was warned by my Wali and didn’t listen. ,,,and that woman was havoc.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2016

    Aisha
    It’s what is the matter. You try to be a “good wife”. You try to make it work. You’re supposed to try to be a good servant to Allah. Then Allah may remove you from the marriage. You both need to want to make the marriage work. Your husband and you. He apparently doesn’t want that. He would have to want the marriage to work to. He has let you know his other wife is his priority. You aren’t. If you don’t focus on Allah and make life about Him, He just may keep you in the marriage as a means to punishe and. Agonize you.

    Jasmina,

    You said you invest a little in your husband and if he doesn’t reciprocate you stop until he does. We aren’t supposed to do anything seeking something from anyone other than Allah. A person gets no barakat (blessings) from Allah if she expects something from a person.

  • jasmina

    February 12, 2016

    Aisha

    Just take care of yourself. We will be here no matter what happens. I waa told to leave my husband and i couldnt years ago but im back and they do not judge here. It is all up to Allah. One thing that helped me to manage my resentment was to invest my all just once and when i get something in return i will reinvest. Even something small like a sweet message, expect something to return the gesture before sending more or calling etc. If you cannot leave him then manage him so u get aome happiness. That is what i do but sometimes its hard. Put your trust in Allah amd do your best amd may Allah make it easy.

  • Aisha

    February 12, 2016

    Jasmina I read your advice over and over again and whenever you post on this I feel I can relate to you.. Everything you said was 100% accurate. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did.. But I’ll be honest I am starting to care less and less.. I know sisters on the blog have advised me to leave him but honestly it’s not as easy as that. It’s easy for everyone to tell me to pick my things up and leave but sadly for me it’s not that easy at all. I know this is a very unhealthy marriage and for some crazy reason I cannot walk away.. Allah knows best what’s to come.. What hurts me most is I give this marriage my 100% but it’s still failing I do my very best to be a good wife to him.. I know I go over and beyond but subhanAllah sometimes its just not enough.. I keep telling myself if this are to end at last I won’t have any regrets I will know I did everything to make it work..

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2016

    Pandora,
    I dunno. Something seems suspect about rie’s co. Why does the co keep blowing up rie’s phone? Something is not right…

  • Pandora

    February 12, 2016

    Sis Ana as Salaamu Alaikum. I completely agree with you. I’m a bit suspicious of rie’s co calling her that many times. A lot of women most of the time have motives, other agendas. I think it’s better for Rie to keep her walls up and investigate rather then chatting away with someone who may be out to get her lol. Rie should be given the respect to process this transition and figure out her next steps without being forced to deal with her husband becoming polygamous AND his other wife no no no. She should let her co down easy and if she wants, get to know her in time.

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2016

    Okay, Insha Allah, I’m going to bed now. I have a big day ahead of me. I can’t say tomorrow cuz it’s already 2:30 a.m. If there is a delay in any posts getting approved bare with me. I might sleep through the notification sound on my phone or ignore it. Sometimes while I’m half sleep, I approve a comment. The difference in time zones can make a blog administrator work almost 24/7.

    I love you guys

  • anabellah

    February 12, 2016

    rie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I just re-read your post. You said she called you in one day – 16 missed calls. My question is why is she so desperate to talk with you? I suggest you only talk with her when and IF you are ready. If you don’t want to talk with her now, it is okay. Your husband seems to be understanding in that he agreed not to have intimate conversations with her while in your house unless it’s an emergency. It’s very kind of him to consider you that way. I suggest you ask him to ask her not to reach out to you cuz you need more time to adjust to this situation with him and your children. Tell him that you will reach out to her when you feek better about the situation. It’s unbelievable that she’s bombarding you with questions. What is she asking you? Don’t feel compelled to answer me LOL Let her get to know her husband the same way that you did. I wouldn’t trust her. You don’t have to. When you get stronger – INVESTIGATE before you open yourself up to her. Those are my thoughts about it.

    It’s wonderful that you and your husband have been having great sex. Polygamy will boost the sex life of a first wife and her husband sometime. It ignites the fire.

    rie, don’t concern yourself about him letting her work. Remember, he has two wives now and a baby on the way. Is your husband a millionaire? I didn’t think so. Perhaps she needs to work. You’ll be working enough when your new baby arrives. I have nothing against working. I think it’s a good thing for wives, if they do or if they don’t. Working in the house is work. All wives work.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2016

    I think rie’s husband has only been polygamous for a few weeks or a little more. The new wife could be trying to make a good impression on the husband by reaching out to the other wife, so she’d look like the good wife. Who knows what is going on. Everyone has an agenda. Wives are known to play games.

    These husbands are quick to try to make the wives become friends. Just because he’s loving all his wives and is happy, doesn’t mean the wives are going to love each other. It’s a stretch for it to happen that way. Islamic polygamy is not the same as Mormon polygamy.

  • anabellah

    February 11, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Greetings to All

    In rie’s situation, I see it a bit differently. One needs to take into consideration that most of the time women are finding themselves in polygamous marriages that they want no parts of. They weren’t expecting it and even if they thought it might happen, when it does it can be quite traumatic. We all probably know what it’s like.

    For the woman to just deal with her husband about it, and continue to stay with him and function in the marriage without falling totally apart and losing her mind takes a lot. Now, on top of it, one is telling her that she has to worry about the woman whom her husband has married, as well? The women who join an exiting marriages have gained a husband along with other benefits. She maybe quite happy. The other wife, on the other hand, isn’t happy. Are you telling me that wife who is traumatized is suppose to try to deal with the trauma of being forced into polygamy AND worry about the woman whom her husband has married and how that woman feels as well. REALLY!!! You don’t think you’re expecting a lot from her?

    If I read rie’s post correctly, she said she answered some of the other wife’s questions. She did good with it. The other woman should have enough sense to back up off the other wife and give her time to breath and pull herself together. rie is probably severely depressed and barely holding it together. She’s trying to hold on. The other wife should have enough sense to give the rie a break unless she is intentionally trying to drive the wife crazy and send her over the edge.

    It’s one thing to have polygamy forced on you. Now you want to force the man’s wife on her too????

  • Gail

    February 11, 2016

    Ummof4,

    Love your advice to Rie.I agree it is not nice to ignore people if they r trying to be nice to u.

  • ummof4

    February 11, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Rie, I am of a different opinion regarding your husband’s new wife. Since she is trying to get in contact with you and as far as you know she is a nice person, why not communicate with her? If you keep refusing to talk to her and ignore her calls, she may feel that you don’t like her. You say you have never met her or talked to her, so why not give it a try? If you do talk to her, do not reveal very personal information about yourself and your husband. Just give her general information.
    Is it that you are so jealous that you believe you cannot stand the thought of talking to your husband’s other wife? If so, I think you can at least email her and let her know that you are not ready to communicate with her yet. And that’s okay. But to be ignored will put a bad taste in anyone’s mouth.

    Everyone, try to get the maximum blessings of Jum’uah.

  • Number4

    February 11, 2016

    Salaams,

    Jasmina that’s powerful advice. You’re like a phoenix who got burned and rose ftom the ashes.

    Aisha we have to love Allah, then OURSELVES then husbands and children.

  • jasmina

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha

    I feel so upset about your situation. I completely understand why it is hard for you to leave, and let go of everything you have sacrificed to be with your husband. i was that way once, I was so madly in love, so infatuated that I was willing to live with just my husband’s smile even if 99% of the time he neglected or abused me. I never understood why I deserved better, I just knew that I loved him and that we were married and all else is part of life, I would never question him or argue. I would only cry on my own for hours day after day feeling so sad and not really understanding my situation (of course our situation was not natural at all). Even after he abandoned me I would say that he had to do it and so on making excuses, and I would jump to the phone so happy if he ever called me. I get it. I have been there.

    It wasn’t until I had my baby that it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Huge flashbacks, I understood everything as I saw my baby and I in a bad situation. That is when I realised my self-worth. It took for me to go through so much suffering to understand what I deserve. I am getting through life and making the most of it with the consequences.

    You probably will not realise it until something terrible happens and you start seeking answers from Allah. But at present I can say that you do not have consequences to deal with and you can make a great life for yourself insha’Allah. You miscarried but see the blessings in it sister, Allah is trying to help you out of this situation, why are you ignoring His signs? I hate to say this, but it took me 5 years to realise it in my own life and I see it with you, you are worshipping the ground your husband walks on, and that is shirk. You are rejecting what Allah has made lawful for you, and the rights Allah has given you, and the bounties he has given you. Why? For a man? Who is this man that is more deserving of your gratitude than Allah? Believe me, for this yes you will be punished until you get closer to Allah and stop worshipping your husband, Allahualem. Allahualem. I know as heck I was punished big time and I paid the price, I did my time sort of speak, and I accepted it was my fault but Alhamdulillah Allah is my number 1 now.

    If you sincerely are a Muslim and want to worship Allah, then I suggest that you do some serious reflecting. Yes you are young but you will still be held accountable and you need to wisen up. If you do not want to leave your husband, don’t, no one can force you, but you can live your life in a way that pleases Allah, that puts Allah first, and worships Allah. I guarantee you that if you do this 1 of 2 things will happen, your misery of a husband will either leave you as he cannot take you loving Allah more than him, or he will respect you and treat you right and give you what you deserve because he will not let a precious diamond like you go. Right now, you are showing him that you are worthless and his doormat and so why should he respect you, he gets a free ride, with free childcare, free maid and nanny, why would he let that go.

    No, you need to stand your ground and accept and do what is right, and then proudly say that you are doing it for fisabilillah. Yes you are demanding your own home fisabillilah because you will not stand to give your ears any more porn noises and have them speak against you on day of judgement, and fisabilillah you will stay at your mothers home until he can provide you a home. Fisabilillah you will demand he gives you an allowance for your clothing and food because it is your right.

    Fisabilillah you will organise with the sisters in the community a food roster for your co-wife since she cannot cope and you will pitch in twice a month with her food but not more. Fisabilillah you will help her find a good islamic childcare centre and give them the details but after that it’s up to them if they use the service or not. there is so much more but that would be a start. You need to pull yourself together, get some strength. Because the more days you spend like this, the further you will accept this and it will be harder and harder to do something about your situation, and then your soul will be your husbands. How sad is that. If you really love Allah, your husband and yourself, then act like it sister.

    Yes men like that are real, my brothers masha’Allah are like that. Not all men though, but one thing is for sure, your husband, that is not right. Your husband is not somewhere in the middle, his attitude is beyond unacceptable.

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    Sis Rie I’m so glad you have communicated your feelings to your husband and he is willing to make a change. Allah be Thanked. Communication is a huge factor.

    To answer your question what I meant by cordial is we can be in the same room and have a decent encounter. We respect each other and try to stick together and not let outsiders being nosey trying to cause fitna between us. We treat each other’s children like we gave birth to them all haha. The first wife reached out to me to go out to eat or shopping. We have long deep conversations. We know more about each other than I know of my second co wife. It’s funny because at first the first and I hated each other I guess she had a barrier up like oh my anotherrrr wife and I thought she acted like she was above us bc she married first but once we got to know each other we were both wrong. My second sister wife gravitates more to my children then me we just never clicked.

  • baseema

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha, sorry for your miscarriage. But this is your chance to leave free, without strings. When big things happen like this, I believe it is a message for you to change your life. Run! They are using you. This is your chance. You can only go to your family if you take their child??? What???!!!

    Please leave and go to your family and stay away from these people. They don’t deserve you and you don’t deserve them. You really want to waste your life? This is never going to get better. It will only get worse. In fact, they may wake up one day and realize if he makes you pregnant, you will have more of a reason to stay and be their slave! RUN!

  • rie

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha,

    Sorry for your loss,
    InshAllah Allah will definitely help you in your condition now. Allah is karim sister he is the provider..

    Jasmina,

    i feel you. i also following every comment but to reply i need to wait until my baby sleep LOL

  • rie

    February 10, 2016

    Assalamuaikum sisters,
    thank you for all great advice, it means so much to me to be honest. because i feel so frustrated there was no one understand my position until i found this blog, Alhamdulilah.

    As you all told me before to keep distance from my co-wife, i am trying for today. she called me several time 16 missedcalls and i answered only the important point she asked me.

    i asked my husband for not talking on the phone with co-wife at our home, and he said okay, he will only call if it is really important, and they decided just chatting on facebook or gmail at our home during her time, which is fine for me since i will not hear anything with all the expressions those i still not get used to, alhamdulilah.

    I talked last night about my position with my husband, for giving me sometimes to accept all of these new things for me, and he said he understand my position and he definitely help me to pass this phase, and be more sabr to deal with my mood swings, and he suggested me to do some more activities to keep me busy and keep my mind away from it and I applied online courses today with his permission and i do hope it will also bring benefit for me inshAllah.

    Number4,
    yesss as you said we sometimes feel inadequate, we are not enough, that is really what i feel right now, because when i see her pictures mashAllah She is attractive also my husband said she memorized hadists (this part also makes me so down).
    and also there are alot of fears in my head, he will not love me anymore, she will dominate everything etc. and she will come to this country by working visa (because here in turkey only accept one marriage) – which makes me abit angry –
    because my husband doesnt allow me in the past to work and he have to allow my co wife to work. well let see how things will go..

    Gail,
    She is from UK and we live Turkey (and i originally come from southeast asia), i am not really sure how they get married. but as far as i know they only married by islamic way, they will not legalize their marriage here. thats why she needs to come here by working visa, because she cannot register as permanent resident like i do (i have permanent resident as a turkish’s spouse).
    sis, the things bugging me are just like you said they will have sexual relationship an i need to share his love for someone else. i dont know, maybe i still not get use to at the moment. so its really hard for me to adapt now.

    Jasmina,
    i will keep in my mind that i need to more focus to my unborn baby inshaAllah.. but like i said before mood swing is killing me, 3 days i have a great days, (even great sex) but the day after that drop again crying, thats why this makes me so tired sometimes. in the past i even took anti-depressants pills to calm me down and i decided to stop after i know im pregnant for the 2nd baby.

    Ana,
    thanks for your support sist, and thanks for made this blog. help me alot and make me relived that there are alot of sisters have same condition like mine. Allah bless

    inshAllah i will try to more focus to Allah and islam like i told you above i decided to apply arabic online course to keep my mind busy with other things inshAllah. keep me in ur duas.

    Pandora,
    thanks for your great advice.. about your relation with your co-wife is cordial what does it mean? you rarely keep contact, or just meet occasionally or even you have a good contact with her? who started to decide to contact? from your co or yourself sis?

    Nadia,
    Thanks sister for your advice..

  • Aisha

    February 10, 2016

    We used to work together after some time he went to my dad and asked him for my hand in marriage..

  • Halma

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha how did u meet ur hub if u dont mind me asking?

  • Number4

    February 10, 2016

    Tasliyman. ..

    I agreeeeee too with you. This isn’t normal at all.

  • Aisha

    February 10, 2016

    JazakAllahu Khyran ladies for all your advice honestly it means so much to me.. I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen to begin with.. I don’t even know why I put up with it when I know myself I deserve better! I know I only have myself to blame bcus only I can make the situation better by leaving.. I don’t even know what it is about him that I’m so blinded with.. Even when he randomly stops speaking to me when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong I end up apologising to him even when I’m annoyed at him I always end up begging him to talk to me. It’s so weird subhanAllah.. I know if another sister was in my situation o would tell her to run a mile and never to look back but why can’t I do it myself?! I spoke to my co wife today about moving out and she said why don’t you live with the in laws. But I don’t see why I should move there either.. She said if I move out I will be lo leh and hardly get to see him as he is at work most of the day and weekends he spends away.. Surely anything will be better than living with the co.. Right?
    I’ve become sooo needy.. I always message and call him I feel like a stalker! But that’s because I have nothing else to do with my life.. I’m not allowed to work/drive and then he complains that I’m only doing his head in.. And jasmine ure right I can’t see it getting any easier either.. I haven’t had a night with him since the baby has been born but when it is my night I have a feeling he will be spending most the time with the kids and co anyways.. I’m not going to make the mistake of expecting anything if I lower my expectations I won’t be left disappointed. Once again thank you so much for your advice sisters.. May Allah swt grant you all the best of both worlds.. Ameen xxxxx

  • Number4

    February 10, 2016

    Allah is Akbar. ..

    Tawkkul you said it all very succinctly! I agree 1000 %!!!

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    I think we’re all guilty of being addicted to this blog hahah. It’s rare to have s group of sisters who get you and have been/or are in your shoes. This blog is my “happy place”.

    Sis Aisha, may I ask what do you mean when u say you are doing these things for the sake of Allah?? Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for him. That confused me sister. If one of you lovely sisters can explain what you understood from that statement i’D appreciate it ๐Ÿ™‚ Sister Allah doesn’t want you to suffer or be neglected. Your husband sounds very controlling, caniving, manipulative and seems to prey on naive young adults who do not have a voice. Sister you are still a newlywed. You should be head over heals for each other, sleeping in, breakfast in bed, going out. Not raising a child that’s not yours, cooking candlelight dinners for your husband and his other. And you can’t even get a breathe of fresh air without being suspected of doing something wrong. I hope you snap out of it soon. Sometimes you can’t see the picture when you’re in it. I pray Allah guides us all on the straight path and give us the strength to only do what pleases Him not His creation. Our husbands are not our gateway to Janna Allah is.

  • Tasliyman

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha

    With everything your husband puts you through its hard to understand why you are still there. Then I think back a few months ago when I was really struggling to come to terms with the challenges faced in a polygamous marriage and remember deciding to leave my husband about 3 times every week. But no matter how bad things were I just didn’t have the courage to do it.

    So I kind of understand that it’s hard for you to make the decision and follow through.

    What you must keep in mind though is that the things you are forced to deal with are not normal. Not even for a polygamous marriage.

    We only know about the bad stuff, if there are any good parts to your marriage I may have missed them in your posts cause I don’t know of anything good that you experiencing in your marriage.

    Many people have more than one child. It’s not normal to pass your older children on to someone else unless you are sick or had complications.

    I want you to realise and really take in the fact that what they (husband & co) are doing to you is not part and parcel of being in a polygamous marriage. It’s not normal.

    Ana, Gail and all the other experienced ladies here – please correct me if I’m wrong in saying that this is not normal and there is no reason why she should just accept it.

    If I’m not mistaken you said before that perhaps you are being punished. Allah is all merciful and forgiving. Sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever you feel you may have done wrong but do not stay in a situation where you live every day being ‘punished’.

    I sincerely hope that you find relief in your circumstances soon In-sha Allah.

  • Tawakkul

    February 10, 2016

    Number 4,
    What you said about “whatever you accept now may continue to be heaped on you in the future” is very true, and just set off alarms in my head. My friend who’m I told you guys about in the past made that very same mistake. Her ex co-wife was very clever and manipulative. She knew that her husband wanted more than one wife and she wanted to make sure he would marry someone who she could control and have the upper hand on. She initially hired her as a babysitter and I remember my friend even telling me that she heard her telling her husband about why she was a good candidate and basically trying to convince him to marry her. But she brushed it off and didn’t think too much about it. So when they finally managed to trap her into marrying him she didn’t realize that her co-wife really played one over on her. She came in to the house hold as the “babysitter” and the “help” and that’s exactly what she remained. So much so that her husband refused to let her go to school while the other wife worked because she had to babysit. (Aisha doesn’t this sound familar, you can’t go to your moms house unless you bring the little girl). When they would all go out together to the masjid , or to any events, my friend would be reduced to running after the children the whole time while her co-wife played wifey. You should really be careful because your co-wife strikes me as a very manipulative person, and you just might be falling into her trap. The baby isn’t going away. In fact just like Jasmina said, it only gets harder so you just might be stuck as “the help” for a long time, if you’re okay with that then thats fine. You say you’re doing it for the sake of Allah, mashallah may Allah reward you, but don’t be foolish, a lot of people take kindness for weakness and I have no doubt that your co-wife may use this as a way to gain the upper hand. Now that I think about it you and My friends situations are almost identical except she had absolutely no one on her side not even her family you’re lucky that you have your family. Alhamdulillah Allah had mercy on her and gave her the strength to escape that situation, at least now she has a chance to change her life around for the better.

  • Tawakkul

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha,
    Assalamu alaikum sister, your post got me a little heated, so forgive me if what I’m trying to say is misconstrued, but you know that he is absolutely denying both of you your rights. If he has no problem taking his rights from you, and the other wife then how is he so unjust that he refuses to give both you something so simple and clear as separate housing. Allah has specified these guidelines for a reason and that is to protect us. He’s not being fair to either of you and he should fear for his akhirah, unless he wants to wake up on the day of judgement with half his body leaning. this is a serious matter and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say he’s oppressing you. You should tell him straight up, you want your own place and if he refuses and threatens to divorce you then he is from the wrong doers and why would you want to be with someone so unjust anyways. what exactly is making you feel so stuck with him, that you’re willing to barter your own self value, even lower then the value Allah has given you? Jasmina is right I think you need someone who’s going to be straight forward and blunt with you, because I don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

  • Number4

    February 10, 2016

    Lol @Jasmina. ..I feel you…I check this blog a few times a day and awake with it on my mind. I’m thinking ladies that if I do my doctorate, I might want to do it on us! On polygamy…we’ll see…I’d of course send ana the thesis if I decide to do this…and she could post for us all to read it..,that would be a few years in the making though. Not certain yet,.,,but then if I did, I’d become Dr.Number 4..lol.

  • Number4

    February 10, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum sisters,

    @Aisha, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope that you take the time that you need to grieve. I imagine that there will be mood swings especially caring for another wife’s child and seeing her new baby.

    I think you should tell your husband because it may make him more sensitive to your emotional state. I don’t understand why yoy have become the primary care giver though for the first child unless the other wife had a difficult delivery and has some continuing problems.
    If not there is no reason that your husband can’t give you some quality time.

    Whatever you accept now may continue to be heaped on you in the future with her or potential wives to come.

    I think it’s great that you can support the other wife this way but you can not be neglected.

    Once again find things to do that relax and help you grow as a Muslim and spiritual being.

    @ana thank you for your warm compliment to my post for rie.

    I’m happy that I found you ladies, the blog has helped me a lot. I feel like I have a group of friends that understand and support me. I look Fwd daily to seeing you all post.

  • Nadia

    February 10, 2016

    Salam
    Same here Jasmina!
    I love this blog

  • Aisha

    February 10, 2016

    I know I said I will leave and not come back but honestly it’s not as easy as that I’ve left everything for this man.. He doesn’t allow me to stay at my mums house I really want some time to myself I know I definitely deserve it.. He is really insecure and controlling he thinks when I’m at my mums house I go out without telling him and do things behind his back, Allah knows best what goes on through his mind… Ana I know I said I was going to leave him the only reason I didn’t was bcus I found out I was pregnant and after that I only prayed things would get better once the new baby arrives… Everything I do in this household I do it for the sake of Allah not for my co or my husband. I do feel so sorry for their first child they have neglected her.. My husband has said to me he does appreciate me helping out and said a few nice words which was sooo surprising to hear.. Maybe this will soften his heart Allah knows best.. Sister jasmina are men like that real??? I really want to move out and live separately but my husband doesn’t even want to bring the issue up let alone speak about it. He made it clear if either of us wants to move out he will divorce us, but I don’t understand if if isn’t working why can’t we try another way? I just don’t know…

  • jasmina

    February 10, 2016

    I check this blog more than my facebook account. whats happening.

  • jasmina

    February 10, 2016

    aisha

    seriously how would the little girl feel knowing she has been pushed aside by her parents. its so aweful. they both are very thoughtless people. the 1st year is the easiest as baby sleeps a lot but once they start walking it gets harder so do not think that this is a temporary thing. if she cannot handle it now.

    Sister Allah is truly trying to help you. sometimes situations seem so grey, its usually never black or white. But you are in a situation which Allah has made it so clear that is wrong, you feel it in your heart, even your husband questioned why you would still be there.

    If you find it difficult to leave him why dont you try some other things that may help you detach from him. perhaps stay at your mums for a few months. reconnect with your friends and if he wont like it stop caring for the girl and stop cooking, you have the upper hand at the moment, they need your services. or work or study out of the home. it seems you are used to being there now. it is hard to make a change trust me i know but you need to for Allah make an effort. let us know how we can help.

  • anabellah

    February 10, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think another sister named coco who used to post hear quoted that author, if I’m not mistaken. I think it was, “What is your heart looking at.” Thank you for telling me about the book. When I get some free time, I probably Insha Allah will read it.

  • Nadia

    February 10, 2016

    Salam
    Ana and everyone
    I want to recommend a great book to read. It is called Reclaim your heart and it is written by Yasmin Mogahed. It is a book about Our lives entrapped by the same repeated patterns of heartbreak and disappointment. Often, we have no idea why this happens. Reclaim Your Heart is about freeing the heart from this slavery. It is about the journey in and out of lifeโ€™s most deceptive traps.

    It is the best bok i wrote in my life i really recommend for all of you sisters to read it. It will guide you to the straight path.

  • Nadia

    February 10, 2016

    Salam
    Rie
    I dont know how it feels to be in a polygamous marriage but what i’ve learned from other people who are in polygamous marriages is that having a jealousy will appear in such marriages. It is normal and we are created like that. Jealousy appears even in monogamous marriages. Most women in monogamous marriages fear there husbands will leave them, talk to other women, cheat on them. There is so many thoughts they have in their mind. So what i can say monogamous or polyhmous it doesn’t matter jealousy will appear. But you have to learn how to deal with jealousy and appreciate that you have instead. You have a good husband, children and allhamdulliah you are wealth is good. For him marrying another can be hard to accept in the beginning but dont focus on them. Just focus on you and Allah. This dunya is temprary we will live this world soon. If you put your husband in your heart and forget about Allah you will be heart broken, depressed etc. Remember relationship, objects, money everything is a part of this Dunya and if you love and care about the Dunya that is not even meant for us more then the Creater you will get sad and heart broken. In your situation right now just focus on your baby that will come soon, try to stay positive for your child sake. Make dua and be close to Allah that’s the only medicine i can advice you to.

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    Aisha sis

    So sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It must be devastating. But for the life of me I don’t understand why you are living the way you are. No wife should know when where and how long her husband is having sexual relations with his other wife. It’s so unhealthy and not our way. We should follow our Prophet PBUH his wives all had seperate dwellings. You’re not a maid but you are being treated that way. So what if your co had a baby she needs to take care of her own children. Why do you think so little of yourself. You should know you deserve better no one deserves what you are allowing to take place. You seem to have some deeper rooted issues we know nothing about that you think this is normal because it’s not. Maybe you miscarried for a reason Allah knows best. You husband made it very clear he didn’t want children with you which is selfish. He should have made that clear before marrying you. Why do you keep going back and forth. Why so indecisive. What is so amazing about this man his wife and living situation are you so strongly attached to??? May Allah make things better for you.

  • Nadia

    February 10, 2016

    Salam aleikum sisters
    Aisha
    I just i want to say it seems that your co wife and husband are treating you like a nanny. To be honest they re taking an advantage of you. YOU are his wife not there slave. You dont even need to take care of there children, you dont have to live with them. And why haven’t you told him that you are pregnant? Are you scared of your husband? We should fear only Allah no one else. You need to tell him it is his child to. Don’t think about what he will reply or react just tell him that you are pregnant with this child. If he gets mad at you, that means he doesn’t even love you. What husband will get mad at his wife for making her pregnant. For god sake you are married what did he expect? Im sorry for this respond but Aisha you need to make a change in your life.

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    Sis Rie I was also going to say communication is key. Men have completely different mindsets then us women. He probably doesn’t even realising he’s rubbing his other wife in your face when he speaks to her in front of you. Ask him to please show more sensitivity and speak to her down the block or on his way to work. Our husbands are not mind readers

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    Sis Ana. Thank you so much. You have such an admirable heart. Your post put a smile on my face. Allah be Praised ๐Ÿ™‚

  • jasmina

    February 10, 2016

    aisha

    sorry about the miscarriage. May Allah make it easy on you.

    i think he needs to know about the baby because its a human and if his soul was breathed into it then you will meet him in the akhira inshaAllah. plus he needs to know what he has put you through even if his heart is too hard to show you compassion, he will reflect alone inshaAllah.

    i know i am no one to give advice as i am going through so much cr** but i can share my experience as i have been in similar situation to you. it doesnt get better with men. they are what they are. see me after 15 years of knowing my man i am still struggling, he hasnt changed. i stuck with him because we have a child and i am broke and have no wbere else to go.

    you are young, no kids, and have your family. you are a wife, not a nanny, not a cook, not a maid. i am sorry but you are a modern day slave. i am being harsh and i am sorry but the people i valued most were the ones that were brutally honest. my brother once told me to count my blessings and run, before i was pregnant and i ignored him but i remember it all the time. alhamdulillah it is the qadr of of Allah and i have my baby but it is a struggle dealing with a man that does not value you the way you deserve.

    and you deserve to have a man that adores you, gives you your own home, lets you plan a family, cherishes you, takes you breakfast in bed, spend hia time with you, never takes advantage of you.

    i hope you realise how special you are and value yourself enough to not let a man do this to you.

  • Pandora

    February 10, 2016

    Sis Rie As Salaamu Alaikum.

    Know that you are not the only one who is in such a predicament or have gone through such. You are still in the very beginning stages which are so difficult. You’re with child so you should really try not to stress so much as it can affect your unborn child. Try to look at it like this. Your husband is just a human being. He is a loan to you not your property. He may not have gone about it the right way he’s not perfect no one is. All women should know and understand polygamy is acceptable in Islam and their husband just might become polygamous. I think it’s more hurtful when people think they have it going on and if they give their husband all of them he will never wander off. It is possible for a man to love more than one woman. Know and own your worth. There’s no calculated time for this phase. Try really hard not to think too much about him and his other wife. I know u can’t shut your mind off but when thoughts like that come then immediately seek protection of Allah from the accursed shaitan. Focus on Allah. Read Holy Quran in your native language, understand and follow it. Only then will you find Solace. It’s a Promise of Allah. Also don’t think your co wife is perfect no one is. She has flaws just like we all do. That’s just shaitan trying to bring you down. What sis Gail said is very important. You need to figure out what about her makes you jealous so you can talk it out and nip it in the bud before it blooms. To answer your next question my relationship with my two co wives is cordial. I’m closer to the first wife. It wasn’t always this way. There were ups and downs. You must pray to Allah, He Answers duas if you are sincere. He’s the only one who can make things right. And I have two little ones myself. It was difficult being sick and stressed with family matters and sending my older one to school early in the morning. My family lives in a different country so I didn’t really have help. You can do it. Us women are warriors. You have to say bismillaah every morning and pull yourself up. Pray to Allah for the strength

  • jasmina

    February 9, 2016

    thanks Ana… indeed i will try put a sock in it. my husbamd took out the lioness in me lol. i used to be so quiet and soft amd would never talk back to anyone. now very fast at the tongue but i do not think and forget he is my husband sometimea, i need to stop hurting his egos.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    Aisha,

    I don’t know what to say about your situation. You leave and come back, leave and come back, leave and come back. It’s what you do

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    jasmina,

    Take it a day at a time. It’s a good sign that he came home; although, you didn’t do much talking and it wasn’t all hunky dory. It’s a big step that he took to come home and be in an awkward environment. I think you are right that it gave him something to think about in seeing your bags packed and you ready to walk out the door. Allah knows best. Some good can still come out of this. You have to put your foot down and let him know that he can’t disrespect you or your son. He is supposed to protect the two of you. Be firm with it. Verbalize it to him. You need to get yourself in check, as well. If you don’t want to be disrespect, then don’t disrespect him either. Don’t go popping off at the mouth. I’m talking to myself, as well. I’m no angel – you get the picture? We all need to get ourselves together and not just look at the other person

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    @Rie,

    I finished reading all the replies to you from the ladies here. They all gave you very, very good advice. I agree with them all. Everyone you’ve spoke with have been through polygamy or are in it. We all know what we are talking about. Take a page out of our stories.

    One thing I’m interested in knowing is whether you have a marriage license with your husband and if so, how does your husband intend to bring your co to the country that you and he are in. I think Gail touched on it already. I will caution you that if you have a Marriage License, whatever you do, don’t give it up so that she could come to the country that you are in. You hold onto that license as though it is Gold. It’s my advice to you.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    @Rie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

    Alhumdulliah that you found this forum. You should feel right at home here. I’m glad some of the other ladies have introduced themselves. I haven’t finish reading all the posts to you. What Number4 said to you was awesome advice. Take heed. Listen to what she said. Don’t befriend the other wife so quickly. Take your time. She is newly married to your husband. You don’t know whether she has an agenda or not. She may only want to befriend you to get all up in your business, to learn everything about you and your husband so that she can use it against you. You can never be too sure. Some women are of the belief that you should keep your enemy close to you so you know what they are doing at all times. I’ve never believed such a thing. I want an enemy to stay as far away from me as possible. Your co may very well be a nice Muslim sister. INVESTIGATE!!! Don’t let your guard down until you know what you are dealing with.

    Rie, I can’t give you advice on being pregnant with mood swings and dealing with polygamy. My husband and I don’t have any children. Neither one of us ever wanted any. Please try to take your mind off your husband and his other as much as you can, so you’re not so stressed out while pregnant. You don’t want it to effect the baby. I know it’s extremely difficult, but you must try to do it, Sis. I can only imagine what you are going through with being pregnant and thrown into polygamy too. Sigh. You’ll be okay though. You MUST stay focused on Allah. We are here for you, so jump in and chat whenever you need or want to, Insha Allah.

    Number4, I love what you wrote. It was so soothing for me to read it. A calm came over me. It was beautiful.

  • Aisha

    February 9, 2016

    Honestly I don’t know how I’m feeling right now.. At first I was really enjoying looking after the child but now i just feel like they are taking advantage… She’s a real hand full.. On top of looking after her I have to still do all the housework and cook for my co wife and my husband.. I also haven’t been having nights with my husband as the co needs him right now which is fine but I rather not be here and see the two of them all loved up with the new baby.. I’ve asked my husband if I can go to visit my parents and he said he’s only if I can take his daughter with me but I want some ‘me’ time.. Maybe I am being selfish but the co is still able to dress up and make an effort in her appearance surely she is well enough to look after her first child too, no? Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to give birth..

  • Gail

    February 9, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Hang in there girl and try to keep it together.I know when hubby doesn’t act like he should it can stress a wife out really easy.

  • Gail

    February 9, 2016

    Ana,

    For sure it has been awhile now.lol

  • Gail

    February 9, 2016

    Aisha,

    I am so sorry for your loss.So your cowife had her baby and u r dealing their oldest child.Hopefully the child is keeping u busy so u don’t have alot of time to dwell on the miscarriage.I am curious what u will do now will u stay with your husband or will u leave? I have been thinking about u.

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love that you are here ๐Ÿ™‚ Besides a sister named KhadijahJ/Kadijah44 (if I remember correctly, those were her usernames. She is American, but lives in Egypt), besides her, you are the only one who has been here who had married 4th.

    It’s important that we all come together, as the number doesn’t matter. We are all in this together. We are all sisters. Sister Gail has been terrific with all the advice that she’s given. I think she’s been with us the longest. She’s my assistant LOL I don’t know what I’d do without her.

    @Gail,

    You may be one of the persons who have been here the longest. If there is someone who was here longer – that person, please forgive me. It not that easy to keep up anymore LOL

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Sorry to hear you miscarried. I had a feeling it may happen. I’m no psychic or anything. I just got the feeling. Allah knows what is best for us. Your husband didn’t want the baby anyhow and you were too afraid to face telling him let alone go through with having it. So, it all worked out for the best. Insha Allah, you’ll be back to your “normal” self soon.

  • Aisha

    February 9, 2016

    Assalaam’alaikum everyone… Wow it’s been a while.. I’ve been extremely busy. The co has had her baby and I’ve more or less become a mum too! To her first child.. I’ve been looking after her day and night whilst my husband and my co have been busy with baby… I am shattered!!!!!!!!!

    I ended up having a miscarriage a few days ago which means I haven’t been feeling too good.. I didn’t even get to tell my husband which means he still doesn’t know.. I guess there isn’t much point in telling him now..

    How everyone is well Insha’Allah xx

  • anabellah

    February 9, 2016

    Pandora, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love your username ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s so nice you surfaced and are no longer a silent reader. I’m happy you’ve made your presence known.

    I agree that all the ladies who open up about their experience help us to realize that we all go through basically the same thing in a polygamous marriage at the end of a day.

    You say you and the other two wives are all cordial. It’s huge. When I hear of co wives not hating one another guts, it wonderful. Cordial is good ๐Ÿ™‚ Alhumdulliah, you are all at a good place.

    I have to repeat here what you said as you said it so well and it’s the key to being at peace in a polygamous marriage and in life. You stated, “Always remember Allah and you will be at peace and life will be bliss. Allah is the only one that matters. The biggest mistake you can make is putting your husband in the place where Allah is supposed to be.”

    Pandora, thank you for being here. You and all the other ladies here make the blog the success that it is. We all are a team {{{hugs}}}

  • Jasmina

    February 9, 2016

    Ladies I’m doing ok, I got crazy anxiety yesterday but it went away quickly. My husband made an effort to come home early and though he didn’t smile or feel relaxed he was there. If he spent more time at home he would feel comfortable to put his feet up and relax. We agreed to be respectful to each other. Will see how we go, my bags are all packed lol and will stay that way until end of the month and I see how we go. I know that’s probably gonna play on his mind but it took me ages to pack.

  • Jasmina

    February 9, 2016

    Rie

    My heart goes out to you. I think that firstly you are pregnant and need to stay happy for the baby’s sake as stress impacts on them in a bad way. I became clinically depressed during pregnancy and I had a rapture in placenta from stress and not taking care and it was a nightmare in and out of hospital. So I would say think only about what is real at the moment. She is not here, he has never touched her or seen her… I am sure she looks great on camera with right lighting and makeup but in real life she will be normal like everyone else. A heart does not grow too fond without seeing someone, it is only a fantasy until then.

    I can understand why your husband didn’t tell you because you are in your first trimester. He wants to protect you. If I were you I would ask him to talk to her somewhere you cannot hear and preferably out of the house. Then just shut it out of your mind, think he is on a business call or something. Forget it until she is actually there. I think it is easier dealing with polygamy when it’s real… It’s harder but mentally easier. By real I mean when she is there where you are. Be happy, that will make your husband adore you. If you get depressed he will back away. I

  • Gail

    February 9, 2016

    Number4,

    I totally agree with u about the jealousy thing.It is sooo silly because I mean really as women we all have the same goods.I might have a little more than my cowife or vice versa but who cares because we all have the same thing.
    My own cowife ask me once why my had a big stomach(she is very small girl compare to me) I looked at her and said why u think because I am FAT Hello!! She just smiled and walked off and I knew she was trying to put me down in a nice way and I could have said to her Hey why u so dark skin u should do something about that because well to be honest I would rather be fat and white skin from USA than a dark skin village girl from Pakistan.LOL I mentioned it to my husband laughing about it and he got all serious on me and told me why I did not tell him in Pakistan he would have beat her @$$ to talk to me that way.I just laughed and said if it don’t bother me then don’t let it bother u.She was mentally upset is all.
    It is never good to compare yourself with others in my opinion.

  • Gail

    February 9, 2016

    Rie,

    Welcome to the blog and congrats on your pregnancy.My name is Gail and I have been with the blog for a few years now.
    Listen First of all I am curious where your cowife is from simply because in USA and I would suspect but don’t know for certain other countries as well U can’t legally marry via the internet.Maybe in other Asians countries not sure but in USA as far as I am aware u can’t.Ok now in saying that it is good your cowife is a nice person but lets face it u don’t know her personally so don’t focus on her is my advice.Yes u can get to know her and all that but don’t let your mind go thinking u r less than and she is perfect because your husband married her because that is very wrong thinking.U are so awesome u have done your duty as a wife u have given children so please don’t think low of yourself.Believe me your cowife is NOT perfect everyone has issues.
    Look u r struggling it is very normal but u need to get to the bottom of what is mentally disturbing u.Is it he is taking your personal time to talk to her every night?Is the fact that u know they will have sexual relations? U really need to be honest with yourself about what is bugging u.
    I am curious will your husband stay in your country with u or is he plan on immigrating to her country? U seem like a sweet girl that has got hit upside the head with polygamy and u r trying to sort through all the drama that comes with it.

  • Number4

    February 9, 2016

    Just had this thought after responding to rie

    You know when it comes down to the bottom line other wives are no different than any wife. The husband’s we share simply go to other homes with different wives, so he gets a variety of boobs and booty, really to be honest we usually focus on the physical aspects of polygamous marriages. It’s unfortunate that we are sometimes feeling inadequate, that we are not enough.

    If we could have variety sanctioned by Allah we would do it…,Yesssssss. I would too. However this isn’t the case. That’s why we can’t get caught up in fear, in the end jealousy is a type of fear. Fear of him loving one wife more or fear that he supports one wife more. But in reverse he can’t be all things to anyone wife not all the time if at all.
    So we need to be more focused on keeping ourselves correct in this deen and for our own sake.

  • Number4

    February 9, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. ..

    rie.
    I know that feeling jealous is normal. There is no time limit for it to pass. For me, I’m not focused on the other 3 wives. My focus is me. Your situation is more challenging than mine because I am older and I don’t have children with my husband.

    I think you have to look at why you feel jealous. You say confidently that your husband loves the family that you have created.

    I also say be cautious about friendship building too quickly, move slow. In my previous marriage I was the second wife but the first caused a lot of drama. She used to call me although we never met, I don’t know if my ex gave her my number or if she got it from his phone, doesn’t matter because I was open to her calls and wanted to meet her, she refused and in time her calls became negative. I asked for the divorce because she made things very difficult.

    So it’s ok to want to get to know her but Don’t reveal too much of your business and don’t discuss problems that you may have with your husband. You say she sounds nice, you don’t really know that yet and you may never really know.

    Of course your hormones will have you extra emotional and thats ok, just keep it in perspective and pray that Allah keeps you focused on his commands. Find simple things to do that relax you, if possible without the baby, during his naps. Don’t make your husband your ENTIRE world. Also if you can eventually work, do so. Having your own money solidifies your independence.

    Conversations on the phone never bother me, I usually leave the room and do something else for a few minutes. Of course I don’t hear expressions of a personal nature so there is no feeling violated.

    I will make dua that Allah gives you ease. This isn’t always easy but polygamy isn’t always hard either.If men had to share wives they couldn’t handle it.

    You are stronger than you know. Cry….until you don’t have to any more.

  • rie

    February 9, 2016

    Assalamualaikum
    Dear sisters,
    I am a newbie here. i am so happy for founding out this blog which could help and support sisters for dealing in their polygamous family.

    well, here it is my story (so sorry for my English isnt that good) I am 27 year old married woman who has been married for almost 4 years, and has 1 cuttie baby son also 4 month pregnancy. My husband announced me that he married his 2nd wife 2-3 weeks ago. Actually he is already having the intention for the last 8 months which i was shocked when i found out the 1st time about his text to that girl. ive been struggling for 8 months for this issue which is not easy for me. Anyway, they already married now by internet without meet each other before.

    Sisters, since i am also in almost-finished 1st trimester pregnancy (which the mood-swing really kills me) and dealing with 1 yo kiddo, i found this hard to pass this phases easily which i should share my husband, though now the days are still mine, since she is still in the other country, and we do not know yet when she will come here (because the situation is also complicated there). my husband plots the time for her 9-11.30 pm for her by phone, and the rest is his work (also sometimes thy talk each other at office) and mine. But still when they call each other in our house which is i could here is killing me. My co-wife seems a good person and has a good personality. I can tell because she tries so hard and never give up to establish a good friendship with me (also this is what my husband wants to). everyday she tries to call and text with nice words.

    I have no doubt for my husband and her can do this polygamy family (this is also what i did say to him from the start when i know his intention) because i know my husband he is very good pious husband also a very good father, and he said he will try so hard to make justice and protect both-side rights and he will never ever divorce me since he said he is so happy having this family and doing this for following the sunnah, but the biggest point is ME, myself. could i do and pass the issue easily with the killing swing mood everyday. because i feel it whenever i think about this issues i cannot stop crying, im trying so hard to change my mind by going out, shop, doing extra ibadah but it looks still very hard, and i feel just like lonely since no one can understand my feeling now and having a very low self-esteem, again because i see my co-wife is just perfect *blame again to jealousy* (in my circle theres no one has the same experiences like i do, once again thanks to Allah i found this forum).

    and my questions are
    how can i pass this overwhelming jealousy with this killing swing-mood of pregnancy? and how long usually a sister pass this crying-broken heart phases until we can say to ourselves okay we are ready for this?

    how is your (sisters here) relationship with your co-wife? bad-normal-good-even very good. could you kindly share with me?

    and how is the way dealing with 2 babies when our husband go the other side without any helpers (since my family is thousand miles away and his family decided no longer has relationship with our family since my husband decided married 2nd wife)?

    thank you for your all attention sisters, i am waiting for your comment

  • Number4

    February 9, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh,

    Nice to meet u @Pandora. ..,a number 3…lol. We are all certainly unique and yet similar in our marriages. It’s great that you have met the other wives and have established a relationship with at least 1.

    I agree we have to keep Allah first and always above the husband. This reality will keep us righteous and blessed. And we must be true to ourselves, spoil ourselves, enjoy life in a wholesome and positive way. Men can’t be the center of our happiness.

    I foundthis blog during a stressful time within my marriage and while I have a fewvMuslim women friends and companions they are not in polygamy so I decided to look for a place that would understand me.

    Thank you anabellah.

  • Pandora

    February 9, 2016

    Thank you ladies for the warm welcome. Sis Gail, Other than being a third wife, I’m a stay at home mom, a homemaker and a businesswoman and a human being just trying to do what pleases Allah. I’ve read the blog from word to word, front to back so I know you very well as well as the other ladies ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Gail,

    He was a little sweetheart. I was boo hoo ing, crying like a baby towards the end. Tears were pouring down my face. It’s incredible.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Ana,

    I watched that movie Like Sunday like Rain.It was really good.U r right the little boy was adorable in the movie.

    Jasmina,

    Keep us filled in on whats going on with u and hubby.I am glad u r not feeling overwhelmed by all this.

    Tawakkul,

    I think u opening up your own childcare business is a great idea!I hope your dream comes true.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Pandora,

    Hi welcome to the blog I am Gail.I agree with u Ana is awesome and has so many women through the blog.I hope u share more of your story with us.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Pandora, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu Welcome wifey in order number of 3

    It’s so good to have a 3 here. Now I think we have one one of each here – 1,2,3, & 4. Oh, well, Mari2 was a three once upon a time. She’s now a, ahhh, um – it’s complicated LOL

    I just skimmed your post, as I’m kind of tied up right now. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you in detail. Again, welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Pandora

    February 8, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum. I’ve been a silent reader for about a year and change. JAZAKALLAH Sis ana and all the wonderful inspirational, motivational, exemplarary ladies here for opening up about your experiences and shedding light on things every woman in a polygamous marriage goes through at some point and time. Allah bless.
    I’m a third wife close in number with sis number4 ๐Ÿ™‚ my two sister wives and I are not the best of friends (although I’m much closer to the first wife) but we’re cordial. We see each other at family eids Ramadhan events etc. Alhumdullilaah after eight plus years we’re all finally at a good place. We had ups and downs as all marriages do polygamous or monogamous. Ladies please listen to Ana when she tells you to put ALLAH first in every situation. Always remember Allah and you will be at peace and life will be bliss. Allah is the only one that matters. The biggest mistake you can make is putting your husband in the place where Allah is supposed to be. Ana thank you for everything. You are really changing lives and you don’t even know just how many ๐Ÿ™‚ much adoration.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Hang in there. Insha Allah, he’ll come home and will talk. He is so annoying. You said you had the talk with him recently and he said that he doesn’t want a divorce. It sounds he doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. He’s being pulled from all angles by you, his other and his mother. It’s what a person gets when they have many lords. Allah talks in the Quran about the people who have many masters. We should only account to the one and only God. Anyone who doesn’t gets a mount of calamities and agony in this world and far worse in the Hereafter. Not many people listen to Allah. SMH

  • Jasmina

    February 8, 2016

    Gail thank you for sharing your story. Men are interesting, they don’t know what they want.

    It is amazing that you have worked so hard and made a success of yourself. That is great. It is inspiring.

    Whilst I do love my husband right now I also feel repulsed and fed up. I cannot take a minute more of this bs. I do not know why I do not have the courage to end this and not look back. I told him he needs to come home straight after work and not go back out and we can talk from there. I really just need to know he is willing to try.

    Alhamdulillah at least I am not depressed or an emotional mess, any other time I would be crying all day but now no, I’m feeling numb.

  • Tawakkul

    February 8, 2016

    Gail
    That’s awesome, you’re a true entrepreneur at heart, I think I have a business mentality too, I don’t see myself working in an office or something, actually I don’t think I can, at least not in the western world because then I would have to stop wearing my niqab and abayas, I also cover my hands so I don’t think anyone would even hire me lol. My goal is to open a pre-school with my husband once we’re in a Muslim country.

    When it comes to women contributing to the house, I think it really depends on the mans beliefs, my husband honestly would really dislike for me to go out and work, he feels it’s closer to the sunnah for him to be the provider, and for me to stay home and take care of the house. Even if I were to earn money he would never allow me to pay any bills, my money would be strictly for me, my savings, to give Sadaqah, to help my parents, stuff like this, even if I tried to contribute to bills he would refuse. Actually in the community I come from none of the men want their wives to work and contribute to the house, All of my friends stay home, and homeschool their kids, go to classes at the masjid, get together and cook, one of them teaches the kids Spanish, My sister teaches Arabic, and Quran at the masjid, another one teaches an arts and crafts class, they’re like a big family lol, I was really sad to move out of that community when I got married, everyone there is so focused and so determined to be as close to the sunnah as possible. So I suppose it’s based on what the man is used to, and the way he understands the rights of the women to be provided for.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4,

    In their 90’s??? Goodness, gracious.

    It’s good you’ve dropped the subject. You’ve got a good attitude going on. Who wants to do funerals anyhow? Now, on the other hand, Muslim men going to Janazah (Muslim funeral and burial) for barakats is a whole different ballgame. A funeral would be something to get excited about under those conditions and circumstances.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4,

    I totally get it, but I’ve known a co-wife in her 40s who thought she was a young teeny booper who had it going on just because she was younger than the other wife. Some women have to have something over another to make them feel good about themselves. Apparently, it was her trump card LOL I thought it pathetic. SMH

  • Number4

    February 8, 2016

    @anabellah …

    Lol, yes I’m younger but over 40….not exactly a teeny bopper…lol.

  • Number4

    February 8, 2016

    @Anabellah and @Gail

    I don’t think I will meet his parents or siblings. His parents are well into their 90s now, Allah may not grant any of us the time we want..,this is why I told him, if his parents pass away and I’ve not met them, not to ask me to attend a funeral because I would only be a stranger and secondly, he’d most likely arrive and leave with the first and I would be just attending with his oldest daughter I imagine. I don’t think I’d be introduced to his relatives there. I’m really over it, I’m not forcing him to include me, I’ve dropped that subject. I have to keep prospering. ..for my own self.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4,

    It sounds weird. I’m beginning to get a feeling that Gail is right. LOL. Maybe his folks said something like, Okay, enough is enough; don’t bring anymore around here LOL

    With regard to the other wives, you know how some people are about age, as well. Some wives get intimidated by a younger co-wife. Maybe they’re hating on you because of your age. Allah knows best. I could care less about age. I was once young too and if someone lives long enough the person will get older. Everyone has had youth and everyone will have old age, if they live long enough. A young person who think he or she is all that because she younger at the moment, is foolish in my eyes.

  • Number4

    February 8, 2016

    @Anabellah. ..

    I’m the youngest wife. I’ve asked him why he hadn’t introduced me to his parents and he says in time he intends to. He met my mom and children within a week of our first meeting.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4’s husband isn’t helping his first wife to cope better, if he’s catering to her and condoning her behavior of being dismissive of the other wives. God willing, she’ll get herself together before it’s too late.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Gail,

    I just went back and quickly re-read a couple of Number4’s posts. She indicated that all the wives are over 40 years of age. Her husband has been polygamous for over 20. The first wife in polygamy hasn’t told her family that her husband is polygamous and it’s been about 25 years. It’s not helping the first wife. She is not accepting polygamy, which means she doesn’t accept what Allah has made lawful. She is only harming her own soul.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Ana,

    I was thinking about number4 and whats up with her husband if he has taken the other wives around the inlaws but not her.I wonder if maybe his parents have said something to him in the way that he already has to many wives meaning the other 3 or if Number4 is older than the other 3 wives and he thinks his parents will say something negative since she is in her 40s and has other children etc… maybe his parents will say something negative and he is trying to avoid it.I don’t know I can only speculate.Sounds crazy i know but I wonder if thats the case since he does have so many wives and I think Number4 mentioned that his parents are Christians so unless they r Polygamist Mormons I imagine they r not very understanding otherwise I figure he would have taken her by now.Number4 should ask him I think whats up so she knows whats going on.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Ana,

    Peach cobbler with french vanilla ice cream or Peanut butter icecream on top of a brownie(warmed)lol with hot caramel and whip cream and nuts.Those are my favorites.Now I am starving thanks alot lol.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4,

    It makes it worse. If he claims that his parents are open minded and have no issues with him and the polygamy then what is his friggen problem? I don’t get it, if he’s all the other three have been around his family, why not you? Not that it’s a big loss. You’re probably better off, and just don’t realize how much. It’s all good!

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Ana,

    I will have to watch the movie it sounds good.I watched a clip of the movie on youtube.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Gail,

    Ice cream is my most favorite desert in the world. Give me an ice cream sundae or top ice cream on hot Apple pie or a brownie (not warmed) and I’m in my glory ๐Ÿ™‚ Hallelujah LOL

  • Number4

    February 8, 2016

    Walaikum Asalaam
    @Anabellah,

    It’s possible Ana, Allah knows best. ..according to the daughter who I see the most, he has taken the others around his parents.
    He did mention that the first wife went to elementary school with his siblings, so yes his sisters may feel that she is the only wife they care to know. He claims that his parents are open minded and have no issues with him and the polygamy.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It perfectly natural for u to love your husband and hope for him to come around.
    I think u said a mouthful when u said u used to support yourself before.I am sure he thought it would be the same as before.Men say they understand to support women but few really do it and don’t mind it.I have been married twice and both marriages when I stopped working for a few yrs to stay home and take care of the babies their personalities changed towards me.My first husband was stressed out all the time until he flat told me when my oldest son was 3 I have to get a job even he had a decent job.So I went back to work but I got really upset with him because I was not ready to go back to work.I wanted to stay home and raise our son until he went to school.Long story short we eventually ended up divorced.I met my second husband and I had no choice but to work since he didn’t have a work permit when he first came to USA.I worked until my youngest was 3 yrs in OBGYN Womens Health.I never really stopped working even after leaving my job as we had the icecream business and I would just drive the truck on the weekend so I would not loose any income.
    Again I will say u don’t have to leave your husband to make a life for yourself.If u r not emotionally detached enough from your husband to leave him then no problem just fix yourself and tell him straight to his face the next time he touches your son u r calling the police.Don’t let him touch your son since u know he has a temper.Your son may very well be your future not your husband understand so guard that child with your life.

  • Number4

    February 8, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum sisters,
    @Gail Alhumduillah on your success. ..Insha Allah, I will make dua that you continue to do well and prosper.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Number4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Do you think that besides your husband trying to protect the wife whom he married 1st while in polygamy, he is abiding by his family’s wishes as well? Some non-Muslim family members make it very clear to the son/brother that they won’t accept him having more than one wife, and tell them not to bring the other wives around. He’d want to respect his mom’s wishes, as there is no compulsion in Islam. We can’t force our way on others.It’s what crossed my mind about your situation. I’ve know of it to happen that way. Ummof4 made reference to it having happened with her sister.

    Regardless, he shouldn’t encourage his other wife to feel that she is above all the others. You just keep doing what you’re doing to grow nearer to Allah and be the most righteous of the whole bunch. Allah says the best person is the one who is the most righteous.

    It’s nice that you are independent and Allah has given you your own. I’m sure you appreciate whatever your husband can do to help out. Who knows what the future has in store for you. He may be able to do more or you may be given more. We just have to learn to be grateful for what we have. Allah says when we are grateful, He gives us more.

  • anabellah

    February 8, 2016

    Gail,

    You talking about your 11 year old reminded me of a movie I watched on Netflix that I simply loved. The title is, “Like Sunday, Like Rain”. I rated it five stars and watched it twice. I feel in love with the little boy in the movie.

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    I forgot to mention I actually drive one of my own ice cream trucks.I don’t have to but I do it so I can buy more mobile homes and I take my kids with me everywhere.On the icecream truck I drive and my kids sell.My oldest started selling when he was around 6 or 7.Needless to say all my kids are perfect in basic math.U would be amazed at how many kids can’t do simple math.We see it all the time on the truck.My 11 yr old he has no patience if he sees a kid struggling he will just tell them to hand him the money and he will count it out and himself and give back the change.He even does this with teenagers(u would think teenagers could at least count)but not all of them which is sad.
    My little son is a workaholic he is always seeing his own pocket.He claims he is ditching me this season and going with his grandparents on their truck so he can save for an antique car he is desiring.He is into old cars and trucks and wants to restore and old car for himself.He is also going to be a pilot and he is dragging his older brother with him on all his adventures.lol

  • Gail

    February 8, 2016

    Tawakkul,

    My husband and I own 2 businesses.The first is a Icecream Truck business where we go into the neighborhoods and sell icecream.We have had this business for 11 years and it has been very successful.Our second business is Real Estate Investment and we just started this business last year and so far we are doing very well.Basically we buy nice used mobile homes and put them on our property and resell only the mobile home not the land.I have my eye on buying and reselling land with the mobile on it so I can get more money for up to 30 years.We have to put all the money upfront(be the bank) so for the next few years I am investing every dime i have to get the second business off the ground but i want to leave something good for my kids after I am gone.
    I believe in always having a plan and thinking ahead.I see it like this G.D gave me a brain to use and I want to try as hard as I can to create something awesome.I love real estate so this is my awesome.lol

  • jasmina

    February 8, 2016

    thank you ladies. i will take your advice.

  • jasmina

    February 8, 2016

    Ana you are correct that I love my husband and my heart would want things to work out and to live a happy life with my little family however i cannot take the abuse. my mind on the other hand thinks logically and i need that plan b NOW or exit plan. i am hoping with all my heart that he comes to his senses and realise that the way he treats me is not right. but hope never got me anywhere. i will make dua but continue with demanding what is right and if he isnt willing to put some effort then i have no choice but to leave knowing i cannot come back. i would need to disappear until i have a stable home as without one he could get custody. he is trying to downplay what happened the other night but it was nothing small.

    i understand it is important to contribute. i get a little bit from a business i do from home but not enough to live off. whatever i get i use to pay debts or towards the house. 1st time we married i paid all rent all bills furniture expenses as i earnt more than him plus we were saving to buy a house. i works 12 hours a day to save but he only used that money to pay bills and pay for some things for his other wife. when i left and went to get whatever was left of my savings it was all gone and he paid it back over 2 years and said that was his allowance for me during pregnancy and our sons child support when it was my money. that is why this time i have made him pay for everything. he thought i would pay like before and was disappointed that i was not like before. he acknowledges that it is my right to be provided for however but he struggles as he wants to save his own things as well i guess. i know in a few years he will get a better job inshallah as he has a great profession amd he is a hard worker

  • Number 4

    February 8, 2016

    Exactly right Gail. I have 2 adult children from 2 previous marriages. I can not have future children, in fact I was glad that my husband also didn’t want to have additional children. He actually has it pretty good, lol.

  • Tawakkul

    February 8, 2016

    Gail,
    that is so convenient, you get to work and keep an eye on your kids. are you working in some sort of child care field. I’m going to school for early childhood development, There’s nothing I love more than working with kids.

    I agree about having second options, and keeping doors open in case things don’t go well within the marriage, my mom tells me every single day that I better stay focused and finish school, it gets annoying but I know she’s just looking out for me. Divorce isn’t the only issue, the husband could die, and then the wife would be left alone and struggling.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    Gail,

    I was thinking about Aisha today. I was wondering the same thing. I don’t know what happened. Maybe she’ll come back soon to let us know. I pray everything is ok with her. She and Jasmina are in a heck of a predicament.

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Ana,

    What ever happen to Aisha did she finally tell her husband she was pregnant?

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Asiya,

    Girl u should never feel guilty for wanting to stay at home and raise your babies it is totally your choice however u must know that if your marriage goes south then u are going to be at the mercy of your husband since he is the bread winner.I have worked and stayed at home both when my kids were young and I hated working when they were babies and quite when my youngest was 3.However I picked back up again a couple of years ago and started a second business.I will mention though I take my kids with me to work and they are all older now my youngest is 11 and they all work.I homeschool them as well so it has really worked out great for my family.
    I think stay at home moms are so great but it does come with a price if the husband starts acting up.

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Number4,

    Thank you for explaining.I really find your situation very interesting in the fact that it doesn’t bother u to be a 4th wife knowing u will not get so much time together and u r fine with it(I think thats cool).So he doesn’t have any children with any of u ladies except for his first wife he is divorced from how interesting.
    I don’t know why he caters to the first wife/second wife since he has no children with her.You could make a fuss about not meeting the parents but since u r over 40 and I assume don’t plan on having children with him I would just let it go like u said and enjoy your own life.
    U have an interesting story.

  • asiya

    February 7, 2016

    Tawakkul I think homeschooling is great if you are able to do it good on you!
    For me I wouldn’t know we’re to start and unfortunately we’re I live there isn’t any islamic schools, but I just have to make the most of what I have got

    At the end of the day we have to do what is best for our family’s and for Allah inshallah we make it through our difficult journeys

  • asiya

    February 7, 2016

    Assalum alaykum tawakkul,
    It feels so good to see what you wrote I completely agree, makes me feel like I am doing the right thing too, Thankyou for your post srsly!
    I believe polygamy doesnt make any difference ur still doing the same thing but even harder because yu don’t have help from ur husband on the days he isnt there but even so alot of men like yu said leave it up to the women and don’t help much which I think depending on the situation it’s ok as long as he is able to spend time with kids playing amd being a father to them etc I wouldn’t expect a husband working full on exausted coming home and a wife expecting him to clean or change diapers etc that’s bad, anyways I don’t know we’re I’m going with this but my heart feels settled and it feels so good

  • Tawakkul

    February 7, 2016

    Being a mother especially of young children is a full time job and it’s difficult. I think it’s good for women to stay home when their children are young so they can raise them, to be good Muslims, and form a true bond rather than count on some babysitter or daycare, and young children really need their mothers. Of course not everyone has that opportunity but those of us who do should cherish it and take advantage of it. Also it’s extremely difficult for a woman to work and have small children at the same time, I hear so many complaints on a day to day basis from women who are tired of having to work and then coming home exhausted and still having to cook dinner, and take care of the kids, and clean the house, and then still wake up several times a night to breastfeed. My husband has an important role at our masjid so everyone always comes to our house to complain about their issues and im serious this is one of the most common. Most husbands don’t really step into the home maker role so the responsibilities around the house are still up to the woman, even when she’s exhausted from work. I personally plan on homeschooling my kids until high school, then they can go to an Islamic school. As for woman choosing to work outside the home, I think we have different opinions about this so I’m going to just keep mine to myself lol

  • asiya

    February 7, 2016

    I do admire women like number 4 who are finacally independant, it must be a good feeling

  • asiya

    February 7, 2016

    As salamu alaykum ,
    Subhanallah this is so strange I was thinking about this exact topic this morning before I came on the blog

    I agree women who have young children must not be discouraged and think they must go find work, every woman shpuld and deserve the right to raise their own children before they grow up and go to school were others start to teach them and they start to have less time with you, we have to make the most of this opportunity to teach them the right things and build strong bonds with them before others get to them, I’ve heard so many story’s of were unfortunately mothers and fathers went there for their children when young and old and once they grow up they didn’t want much to do with their parents and we’re lost on their path of this lofe..

    Honestly why do we have kids if we are not going to be there for them ??

    I know many people don’t have thay chance so I don’t want to Diss anybody who is forced to work when having young children I understand what it is like I feel for you and you women are amazing

    But for women who are able to have that choice I suggest you take the best opportunity and if yu feel yu need some type of work try find something you can do at home in ur spare time

    I have felt so so so discouraged many times for staying at home raising mine but I don’t regret it, I know that the tables will turn and kids are at school that’s when I will get work and contribute and who knows mabey the husband may retire that would be interesting

    I don’t believe in people living off others I believe we must make the most of our ability Allah gave us

    But women with young children must remeber yu are working expect at home
    Childcare is a profession you are doing the exact same things someone who you pay for to look after ur child does I hope by writing this I can make myself and others feel a bit better about themselves and not feel like they are lazy no good for nothing women who don’t work

    Ana what is ur opinion should we feel guilty and let others male us feel and think that we are less than

  • Number4

    February 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum…

    Gail,
    I see him three days a week, sometimes two… Of course if one is out of town maybe more… But technically he works so all any of us have are those hours after work and before work… I enjoy time with him and it’s not always physical but I like my space and time alone too. The four of us Wives live in separate towns.

  • Number4

    February 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum,

    @Gail… No I didn’t know the marriage would be this way. And none my husband wives have children with him. He has children from a divorced wife.

    I would never go to another wife, especially one who pretends I don’t exist. I didn’t marry her, lol I’m not in polygamy really, the husband is, because we women are monogamous.

    And also I reread my post but couldn’t edit in time. I’ve met his adult children who are all Muslims. I have not met his parents and siblings who are Christians. His parents have met the others, even his daughters have told me that. It was important for me to meet his parents.. But now I don’t even want to. I feel now that I’m going to focus on me.

    Thankfully I’m educated and have a career and pay 100 percent of my own bills. He gives a modest allowance.

    We are all past the age of 40…This is one reason that I thought things would be more balanced. He’s a good person but I honestly dislike how he seems to bend to her will on these family gatherings of his. I told him once that I would not want to ever see his parents at their funerals bc I have not met them.

    Once I thought that maybe he’s going to introduce me to them after we’ve made our first year together. I doubt it.

    He was honest about being in polygamy and following the sunnah but he left out the drama from the wife he’s been with over 20 years.

    I attended a nikah of his oldest daughter and he cautioned me not to discuss our marriage there because the first would be there n I might not realize who I’m talking to as I’ve never met her or any other. His daughter invited me bc we have a good relationship and I wanted to go to support her. He didn’t tell me the first was coming until the night before and I felt his only purpose was to protect his status to her. He said it was to protect us…. Smh I don’t believe that at all.
    I’m the kind of person who can step back emotionally to spare myself and because of the way things have unfolded I’m just taking care of me. Part of that is trying to really get closer to Allah for my own sake.

    While I like my husband, I’m still getting to know him and I do care for him but I’m not foolish with my love. We do share a lot of hobbies and we laugh together often…

    Part of me has told myself after much prayer and some tears to always protect myself. If we are going to have a good friendship, share romance and continue to grow together In Islam then that’s OK with me because I’m not financially dependent on him. This is what I can control…

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    I need to clarify. Women are excused when they have small children that they must stay at home with and care for. I didn’t mean they are making excuses.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    Gail,

    I agree with you that it is helpful when a wife works and helps out even if it is just to be able to get the things that she needs. It’s especially important when a man has more than one wife, and children by them all. People are to work together as a team. I think it hurts women when they are fed with the line that they could sit back on there rear ends and make the man pay for everything when the women are capable and able beings. As you stated, it is an excuse when the women have small children and must stay home with them. It’s about team work. Khadijrah, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he was monogamous was a business woman. She worked. He had no money. He worked for her. From what I understand, the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he was polygamous were busy women working and doing charitable work, were teaching and such.

    Women are getting what maintaining and protecting of WOMEN means, twisted. I don’t hear about any so called scholars standing up for the rights of women and trying to improve their conditions. Those are the ones people need to come down hard on. I know I’ll be accused of siding with the men. I don’t care what they think. I side with what is right. I don’t agree in encouraging people to be selfish. We are supposed to be brothers and sisters-in-faith. We should help one another. It means our spouses, as well.

    I think some women want to put a burden on a husband as punishment for him becoming polygamous. I don’t mind helping my husband. One gets barakats for doing it, if she’s conscious of Allah and is doing it to reap benefits from Him.

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Ana,

    I agree with u and number4 100% Jasmina is barking up the wrong tree if she thinks she is going to tell him to change or else she is leaving.That will never work because he knows she is stuck.She has to get herself mentally and financially out of this disaster she has made.I think she don’t totally understand that she has made this mess herself by allowing him to act like this towards her.She has taken it because she don’t have a job bottom line.She must get a job ASAP is the way I see it so she is not dependent on him for money and he KNOWS it.Also it may very well take some pressures off of him mentally.I have noticed over the years with men that are barely making ends meet they stress out easy when they have to be responsible for everything.I understand when u have small babies the wife really needs to be home caring for the kids but as they get older and get in school it is best if the wife at least gets a part time/full time job to help out.
    This is no excuse for her husband to treat her badly of course but women need to understand to get a job and save money so in the case her husband mistreats her she don’t have to take it.
    I would like to say to any of u young ladies out there reading this think to get a part time job at least and save money separate from what your husband gives u just in case something happens u will not be on zero.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    jasmina,

    I’m sure you’ve been given him ultimatums all along. You just haven’t been calling them that. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself or with us. I get the feeling that you love you husband and don’t want to leave or you simply don’t want a divorce and to start over. So, you’re willing to sit there and see how it plays out and take the abuse. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    An ultimatum is just a fancy word for threatening to leave. People give ultimatums all the time. Many are just idle threats. It simply a matter of someone saying, you better do such and such or I’ll leave or you better stop doing such and such or I’ll leave. Most times the person giving the threat goes no place. It’s just hot air coming from one’s mouth.

  • anabellah

    February 7, 2016

    jasmina,

    I’m not big on ultimatums. I, along with the others think it’s not the way to go. I’ve only known ultimatums to work when a man is or woman is dragging his or her feet about marriage and they are serious about leaving, if the others doesn’t commit. I think it’s bad when one has to force another to do something by giving an ultimatum. With ultimatums, the ones who gives them has to be seriously ready to leave the relationship if the other won’t comply. A person has to really not want to lose another for whatever reason to go along with an ultimatum. Your husband has let you go before. He easily said if you walk out that door he is done. He probably meant it. You don’t have leverage. As I mention before to me, I think you are expendable to him.

    I think Number4 called it right. If you give your husband an ultimatum it may speed up the inevitable. You’ll come out on the losing end, cuz he’s going to keep doing exactly what he likes and feels. He’s attitude is that, if you don’t like it then leave. On the other hand, he wants his cake and wants to eat it to. He has his other wife who calls the shot along with his parents and he has you with his son there submissive to him and at his beck and call. Again, his thing is, if you don’t like it leave and he will instantly divorce you. His pleading and begging means nothing. He only wants you to continue in the role that you are in. How can he change when he dances to his mother and his other wife beat? It’s not about you. You’ve been on this blog long enough to know that many of these men are all about culture, which means their mothers are their lords. You’ve already said he does what mommy says. You can’t top that. You can’t stop that. Don’t try to make him do something cuz he won’t. If you want something to happen differently than what you’ve got, you’ve got to make the change. The ladies here have given you suggestions.

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Number4,

    Did u realize before u married your husband your life would be this way.I mean to say did he tell u straight up this is the way it will be? I think alot of times women rush into marriage because they have this fantasy in their mind how life will be and they push the negative things to the side in hopes everything will just magically work out.I know for me personally I could never live in a marriage like yours where everyone is not aware simply because it makes no logical sense as far as family unity is concerned.It comes across in your husbands marriages the 1st wife sees u other 3 wives as just sexual pleasure for him or whores.I say this because she is acting like u don’t exist and your husband has played into all this with her.I assume she told him that she will deal it as long as he keeps his other wives away from the family.I get it if they have kids she don’t want to deal with the humiliation up in her face because she don’t accept polygamy.Actually she is smart but manipulating her husband to her advantage.I think with u other 3 wives u just have to accept the reality of the situation because it is not in your husbands hand to change anything.If u want or need change u have to go to the boss which is the first wife hahaha.
    Most polygamous men are chicken $h!ts to be frank.Do u see your situation like this or different? I don’t understand why your husband has a problem with u other 3 wives not meeting each other though if u each wanted.Also I am curious with him having so many wives how many days a week do u get to see your husband and how do u deal it????

  • Gail

    February 7, 2016

    Jasmina,

    U gave good insight to your family situation with your parents and siblings.If your certain your family is not going to step up and help u then I say stay where u r for now BUTTT u got to start looking for a job and keep your husband away from u.Why don’t u tell him only to come one day a week for awhile so that way he will be away from u the rest of the week.My thinking is he might be happier to see u and your son since he knows he is only getting one day a week.U should stick to that rule for a few months.Listen do u get public assistance like food stamps?If u don’t I suggest u go get on public assistance and get food stamps and find out about free or reduced childcare so u can get out and look for a job.Demand your husband give back your car first thing so u can get back around.
    Jasmina u don’t have to leave your husband to make a better life for yourself.If he is paying your bills then now is your chance to do something.If your husband is crying already then it means he blows up and then is sorry after so use this to your advantage since he is paying the bills understand.Do not let him dictate u anything and do not listen to him u just simply cut him back to one day a week and tell him straight u r sick and tired of the drama and he needs to work on himself and u need find a job.Tell it straight up like it is and don’t take no crap.Since he is cry baby I say u have the upper hand so use your power wisely is my advice and run for public assistance if u don’t already have it and find out about free or reduced childcare and get a job any job ASAP and start saving.Since u don’t have your family to back u this would be the more logical thing to do but please don’t sit and do nothing.Also u have got to start thinking ahead as far as working goes.Your husband could die then u would be left in a mess with no support.My advice is always always always think 10 steps ahead when it comes to you and your sons future.hugsss…

  • Number4

    February 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh sisters,

    Jasmina I’m wondering if the ultimatum will work? If your husband is so enthralled with the new wife, will forcing him to do anything make things better or will it be worse? Maybe it will speed up the inevitable?

  • Number4

    February 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum…
    read this after the previous post. ..

    Oops let me , I meant that my husband’s first wife attends all of his family events I am NOT asking to attend her family events …lol, but I can’t even go to his family events because she has never informed her family in over 25 years that she has been married to a man who is polygamous. So because she has kept it s3cret to her family I therefore cannot attend his family events and nor can the other two wives attend his family BBQs family picnics family reunions because his first wife’s family attend all of his family events along with her. The other two wives do attend the funerals of family members that they met and knew, however none of us get to go to the annual family reunions picnics, Eids, Rahmadan events etc bc the first wife attends with our husband. It’s a done deal, dead horse for me, I’ve been true to myself and spoke to him about it…and used the Quran to show my point, so I’m over being excluded. I go to Islamic events like Eids on my own.

  • Number4

    February 7, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum,

    @Asiyah. ..I’m the 4th wife. We all know there are 4. I’m the newest. My marriage is jot even one year yet. As I’ve written before in other posts, the very first does not accept the 3 others of us..,,
    My husband does not hide that he is polygamous becsuse it is decreed hy Allah…so if Allah has decreed it why be secretive? Secrets are not necessary.

    I do relate to the part where you talk about one wife being involved in his family functions, yup..,that used to make me angry and I felt like 4th place. .,when none of us should feel like a NUMBER, that’s the irony of why I chose my User ID here.

    I told him that there have been a few ocassions where he claims we all have the same rights but things are not always looking that way. I told him family functions should include all of us bc his whole family knows he has been in polygamy for more than 20 years. He says he can’t invite us bc the first has never revealed to her family that her husband has other wives. So I felt that this gives her control OVER HIS FAMILY EVENTS. ..but after I prayed on it, I left it alone.
    Also Ana did respond to my early post and gave me another perspective. .,maybe there would be drama. ..,even from his family bc they know one more ( I’m told that the other 2 have attended family funerals of our husband’s aunts, cousins, n rekatives both Muslim n non Muslim ) but the first doesn’t like their presence there.

    Any way, I accept that I won’t meet anyone. ..he’s met all of my family and I have revealed to some that he is polygamous. My family who are mostly not Muslim accept him.
    In the situation that you described the husband isn’t following the Quran or the Sunnah.

    Secrets protect his position and status with the first wife and her family but it’s imbalance.

    Bottom line nooooooooooo secret wives it’s rediculous and degrading and MOSTOF ALL it MOCKS ISLAM it is not correct.

  • Tawakkul

    February 7, 2016

    But please keep your options open, once a person starts being abusive physically and mentally, it generally gets easier for them to do it again and again. No one deserves to be treated the way he treats you. You’re a slave to no one but Allah, so don’t let anyone treat you like they own you. If you do choose to leave then you should know that Allah is the protector, and the provider, and the dua of the opressed is always answered. Last time you left it took a while but you were able to get back on your feet with the help of Allah, and surely if Allah wills then then he could give you something better than what you left behind. Also think about your son, it’s not healthy for him to witness his parents fighting and his father mistreating the both of you like this. It could traumatize him and have a lasting effect on him into the future, may Allah protect him from this. So really think about the pros and the cons for both sides and make a decision that you’re confident with, and then after that trust in Allah 100%, maybe pray I’m the last third of the night, make istikhara, lots of dua and ask Allah to guide you to whatever will be best for you and your son in this life and the hereafter.

  • Tawakkul

    February 7, 2016

    Jasmina,
    You should definitely weigh your options, choose the route that is safest for you and you son. Talk to your family, and let them know exactly what is going on. It’s important that you have someone on your side, anyone who can back you up. Sometimes when a person seems helpless or vulnerable, people tend to pick on them because they know they’re an easy target. Even if you choose to give him another chance, make sure he knows that you will not put up with it anymore, he can not treat you however he wants, abuse you left and right and then get away with it, you are too good, and you are worth so much more than that. If you go to meet him be confident and be 100% settled on your decision and what your next step will be. He’s probably going to try and sweet talk you back into his arms. But I’m sure you know that people like to talk and usually it’s simply just talk and no action. if you choose to stay don’t let him get away with a bunch of emty promises this time, Maybe come up with some conditions, for instance if he’s not being fair in terms of your rights, or you feel deprived of some things, or anything that you need to make your life and your sons life more pleasant, then write it down as conditions and make him sign an agreement with a witness present that he will fulfill these conditions and of course Allah as a witness as well. That way if he goes back on his words or he starts to slip up, he will have no excuse and he will be breaking an oath.

  • jasmina

    February 7, 2016

    Tawakkul i do not think i have tried everything. the only thing i have not tried is an ultimatum. perhaps there are other less extreme things. but if i am leacing may as well try one last thing right. at the end of the day i would like my marriage to work but i am doing my best and it is he who needs to put in his part. as Ana has said before you cannoy make someone do something, i choose to wait, leave or give him another chance. i can make myself act only.

    Gail I am educated, I can find job it just takes time as I would look for it closer to family interstate.

  • Tawakkul

    February 6, 2016

    Anabellah,
    Walaikum Assalam, I really don’t want to start this discussion again, There are people here who have real issues and really need comforting and advice, and you and the sisters do a great job of helping them, and spreading positivity. So I don’t think this is the place to start disputes. So Its okay, it doesn’t have to come from my mouth, I just recommend everyone to read and study about tawhid, everything I said is from the the basics and fundamentals of tawhid, maybe you couldn’t understand what I meant by the way I worded it, so anyone who studies that should have a better understanding of what I was trying to say inshallah.

  • jasmina

    February 6, 2016

    dang reading that, I’m just like what the… This is so messy. lol. alhamdulillah.

  • jasmina

    February 6, 2016

    Thank you so much everyone for your support. i am just taking some time to cool off before I meet up with him. I do not want to agree to anything before thinking it through. It is a tough situation for me for a number of reasons. For me the important thing now is that there is no doubt in my mind that our situation so far has been wrong and how he acted other day is wrong and it’s something that I can not stand for or ignore and let it go. There is a line that you do not cross and he has crossed it as a protector. I have seen aggressiveness with my brothers and my dad and for that I can understand that not everyone can manage their anger but it is disrespectful and abusive in so many ways, he should take a walk instead. He comes home causes a fight and then shuts off and ignores me whilst i am left crying wondering what we are even fighting about so I pester him and his anger escalates, then my anger escalates. That anger outburst and also the way he treats me as his wife and his son is just too much for me, and I am 90% calling it quits.

    It is difficult for me because I do not have savings or a job and all my family and friends live interstate. During my divorce in 2 years I moved over 10 times, I lived from my suitcase and with my baby in my arms, it is an experience I never want to go through again. When I remarried I had just gotten my life in order, I had a stable home and job and I left all that to join him again. Now for me to leave here, where I have stability for the most part, I would have to start again and it’s not easy. People help you during the divorce but not after, and I do not expect anyone to help me. I have exhausted all my avenues in my last divorce. My family put their life on hold and had many problems because of me and they made it clear that if I remarried him not to count on them should things go wrong. Ideally for me, I would want to have the money to go straight to my own place and not be couch jumping with my son.

    I told my husband not to come back for now as I am not ready and he said that he would continue to provide for me for as long as I need and to tell him if I need anything. I can live with that for a while but not what I want. First I need to figure out what the next steps are. One thing is for sure, I cannot accept him back under the past conditions. He continues to message me to begging me to work things out and that he is willing to put in the effort necessary.

    You are right Ana, now that I realise where I stand in the bigger picture it will be an uphill battle. He married me against his parents wishes for a second time, even though eventually they all agreed it was what was best for our son but their feelings towards me have not changed since and that is hard for my husband to manage. He will defend me and stand up for me I know that, however if it comes to his mom he will not say a word, and I am sure it hurts him but then takes it out on me. He was very happy at first when we remarried, and he would profess his adoration for me and how we are meant to grow old together, but I was still very bitter towards him and I would confront him everyday about why he abandoned me and why he did this and that the last time we were married and that killed it for him as he would just listen and let me verbally bash him, I acknowledge that bad thing on my part. I am over the past now, I have had my closure, and gotten it all out of my system now, and with the help of the blog I accepted my past and focused on Allah and alhamdulillah Allah has healed my heart. But now we have this problem, it is just another hurdle to cross, or perhaps we have reached the end of the line.

  • Tawakkul

    February 6, 2016

    Jasmina,
    I hadn’t read all the previous advice from Gail and Anabellah, I’m not too familiar with all your history so I didn’t want to be the one to tell you I don’t think it will get better, but I’m glad someone else, more experienced said it. You deserve to be happy, you seem like you have so much love, and dedication, and such a pure heart. Not a lot of people could put up with what you’ve been putting up with for some long, you’re husband is definitely oppressing you, alhamdulillah for the day of judgement, it’s so comforting to know that your co-wife and your husband will not get away with wronging you.

  • Tawakkul

    February 6, 2016

    Jasmina,
    I really feel so sad about what happened to you, for your husband to physically and mentally abuse you and your son like this is extremely messed up, and I am a little scared for your safety. Is this the first time he’s done this? Do you know if he’s ever done this to his other wife? Are there any last resorts that you haven’t tried to fix the problem between the two of you, I just feel like it’s at a point that he needs to put in some real effort to prove that things are going to change, and that he really wants you in his life. Men are supposed to be the protectors of women I just don’t understand where he gets the validation to harm you mentally, and physically like this.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2016

    Tawakkul, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I understand you want to clarify what you said about fear, so we’d have a clear understanding?

  • Tawakkul

    February 6, 2016

    Anyways I’ve been lurking and Jasmina I’m really keeping you in my duaa’s my dear sister.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2016

    Gail,

    I think jasmina has a hard way to go, if she remains with her husband. If I remember correctly, his other wife was handpicked for him. She is the chosen one. He is very close with her family. It’s all working against jasmina, as it’s a cultural thing. Jasmina isn’t viewed by them with respect. She can’t call on her family to help mediate the matter as 1) she said she can’t rely on them to help her and 2) her husband can’t stomach her family to sit down with them to make things work. He has told her that if she leaves it’s an instant divorce. I think she’s fearful to leave as she fears divorce and not getting him back. If she divorces, it will be her second. If he doesn’t take her back within the waiting period (Idaat), the divorce would be final. She wouldn’t be able to marry him again until she marries another and that person divorces her or dies. If she stay in the marriage, she could very well expect to be viewed by him as an afterthought. It’s not a pretty picture.

  • Gail

    February 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Just checking on you.I read your post to Ana.I hope u r doing better after a resting.I am really sorry u r going through this as u seem like such a sweet person and don’t deserve what is going on with your husband.
    I wanted to point something out to u that u might not have seen in the past but hopefully u do now and it will help u grow.Did u notice your husband and u had trouble in the past from him listening to others bad mouth against you? U did right to leave him the first time because if he is letting others bad mouth u then what does it say about him because he picked you.Logically speaking he should be taking up for u as his wife even if u did do something wrong(which i doubt u did) u don’t let other people talk down about your spouse it is just morally wrong on every level.It shows clear he is easily manipulated by people so now that u see this character flaw in him u need to get away from him and move on with your life.For some reason he looks down upon u and thinks he has a right to mistreat u which he don’t.
    U pray on this and don’t fall for his craziness anymore.I hope u have a job or someway to support yourself and your son if u don’t then u have to make a serious choice to either get up out of that nonsense once and for all or u will have to eat crow and live with the nonsense.Those r your two choices as I see it.I really think with u having just the one son u can deal it.I don’t know if u have a degree but I would seriously suggest to u if u don’t get one in a good field and plan your future so u can work towards becoming independent.Don’t just sit and do nothing that would be the worse possible thing u could do.

  • jasmina

    February 6, 2016

    thanks Ana

    i appreciate it. may Allah reward you and everyone here.

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2016

    I mean please forgive me. Cellphone SMH

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2016

    jasmina,

    Forgive for getting the facts backwards. Try to get some rest and don’t worry. Keep praying to Allah to show you the way and give you guidance.

    We care about you and want you and your son to be in a peaceful marriage in which you are safe and happy. We are here for you. I know it’s not always easy knowing what to do. You can’t do anything unless Allah wills it. Ask Him to give you what is best for you.

  • jasmina

    February 6, 2016

    we were divorced 2.5 years. still a long time apart. noooo i deserve waayy better

  • anabellah

    February 6, 2016

    jasmina,

    I am sorry that I misread your post. I wish I could say it looks as though things may get better for you. As long as they are bending his ears, poisoning him against you and he listens, it’s not good. He may come back, saying he is sorry and all. After awhile sorry doesn’t cut it. He is extremely abusive to you, unkind and unloving. Do you think you deserve it? Sigh

  • jasmina

    February 6, 2016

    he didnt tell my son to say that. my husband said it to me. not that it makes it any better. i do not have anywhere to go. i told him to not come back and he cannot as he hasnt got the keys. asked me to meet him at a cafe so he can explain himself. i sense his hatred so much recently… i know he has people in his ear at the moment but its inexcusable. he seems weak. he divorced me last time because people were in his ear as well. he might feel stuck so this is his way out now.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    jasmina,

    I must say that I agree with Gail. You need to get up out of that marriage for your and your son’s well being and safety. Your husband seems to have a deep hatred for you and it is deep enough that he retaliates by abusing your and his child and by disrespecting your family. What he did to your son is inexcusable. To have your son disrespect you and make him call you a stupid donkey is totally unacceptable. If you stay, you are a glutton for punishment.

    You have said that your co is the chosen one for your husband and he is very close to her family. He, apparently, sees them as his family and sees you as someone he is stuck with. He probably feels he feels he must stay with you becuz of your history together. You said you and he were divorced for five years before you resumed your marriage, if I’m not mistaken. It took an awful long time for the two of you to get back together. You were pregnant when the two of you divorced. It sounds to me that you are fighting a losing battle, if you attempt to remain with him. He doesn’t have your back. He’s not willing to meet you even half way. Where did you go the last time that you left him? You must have family or a friend whom will be willing to help you out. Is there a shelter or someplace for women who are in your predicament to go?

  • Gail

    February 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

    If u don’t leave him then I fear the abuse will only get worse from hear on out.Are u saying your family is not going to support you and wants u to stay with your husband? Where is your mom and dad in all this mess are they for u staying as well?
    I don’t know what to say sounds to me like your husband is crazy to be frank.I think u need to call your mom and dad and tell them what he did to your son and what your husband says about them.U are being mentally and physically abused it’s not good mentally for u or your son.
    Listen who gives a flying leap if he hates u or not WHO CARESSSS!! He is not worth your love or devotion at this point.He has a something mentally wrong with him and he obviously doesn’t love or care about u so Who cares what he thinks.
    My advice to u is if your family will not support u in leaving him the u got to save your money and get away from him and get an apartment close to your parents so u can get a job and they can watch your son while u work.You have to come up with a game plan to get yourself out of this mess.I don’t think your situation is going to get better since he is being abusive towards u is my sincere thinking.

  • jasmina

    February 5, 2016

    Walaikum assalama

    Thank you all. He took my car keys. I have no family or friends in this state I can go to. Even so my family interstate told me that I cannot go to their home and I need to stay and work things out with my husband. I feel so sick. I do not understand why he hates me so much. I know my co and mother in law made up a story that I said something terrible about him but it’s not true. Because his mother said it he won’t listen to me.

  • ummof4

    February 5, 2016

    I’ve probably told this story before, but since there are new people lately, I’ll tell it again. I am the only Muslim in my family and I have 6 siblings, all of whom are Christian. We are close because Islam teaches not to cut family ties if people are not fighting against Islam. When my husband became polygynous for the first time over 30 years ago, my sister became extremely angry. She could not understand how I could deal with the situation so calmly. Finally she said that my husband could not step foot in her house as long as he had two wives, but my children and I were still welcome. I told my sister that if my husband couldn’t come into her house, that my children and I would not come to her house. She was upset with me because she thought that I should be angry with my husband. After a few years of the boycott, my sister apologized to me and my husband and we accepted her apology.
    We have to stand up for our deen of Islam, whether we are being attacked by Muslims or non-Muslims. Polygyny is a part of Islam, the same as monogamy. Anyone who does not like it can kick rocks and leave us alone.

    May Allah bless us all.

  • ummof4

    February 5, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Jasmina, I am sad that you and your son had to go through that ugly situation. Based on what you said, and we only have your side of the story, it is time to leave. Bringing your son into it, is a no-no.

    Making du’ah that after you make salatul istikharah (if you haven’t already) that Allah makes your life changes easy for you.

  • Gail

    February 5, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Since u have stated that they all treat your daughter well including your cowife I think u r wrong to assume they are mistreating the child on purpose.To be honest weddings are so hectic.I think this time u should take your daughter shopping and purchase her a beautiful dress and send a gift with her for her sister.Thats how I would handle it.Even worse case say u were right which I don’t believe u are simply because u have said they treat the child very well but it would serve no purpose to lower yourself to their level.The child does have a right to be there and the father is correct she needs no invitation to a siblings wedding.

  • Gail

    February 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Just go and don’t look back.U have had enough and if he has resorted to hitting your son and forcing him to say nasty things about your family it’s time to go.
    Please keep us updated on whats going on.Praying for u and your son through this difficult transition.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    From time to time I hear something else here on the blog. The woman says that she hasn’t told her family that her husband is polygamous because they like him and it would cause them to dislike him or she says her family already dislikes him and it (polygamy) would make them hate him. So what? So, let them hate him. Who are they? So they hate him or will hate him, big friggin deal… They probably already hate him and her, if the family aren’t Muslim. Allah says they (non-Muslims) won’t be pleased with us unless we follow their way of life/their religion. Most Muslims only fool themselves thinking they are liked UNLESS of course they swing both ways in beliefs( Muslim/non-Muslim) that equates to non-Muslim.

    asiya, it was a very good topic that you brought up. Thank you, Sis

  • asiya

    February 5, 2016

    Completely agreed!!

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    As you can probably see, I’m on my crazy cell phone. I’m not saying that a person should just walk into a store and announce to everybody that she or he is in a polygamous marriage or go up to their boss and tell him or her. When it comes to friends and families and people that are up close and personal Why hide that you’re in a Polygamous marriage? Do people hide that they are in a monogamous marriage? Hiding it is about shame and fear. What else could it be?

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    It’s a cultural thing. When I first became Muslim I told my family and friends and everybody about Islam and Polygamy. I said it’s allowed and I spoke with them about Polygamy. I wasn’t ashame of my religion.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I totally understand what you said. My thoughts is that if a person is so fearful of family and friends finding out about their marriage he should not have gotten married to begin with. Apparently he fears his what his family and friends think. It cultural thing going on more than he nn

  • asiya

    February 5, 2016

    As salamu alaykum Ana
    I do agree with what you are saying
    Unfortunately alot of people are in these situations.i wouldn’t say that all secret wives arnt treated like actual wives i believe every situation is different it may just be that the husband treats her like a wife or even better but they may be unknown to the family because they refuse to accept them. I think that if that’s the route someone has to go because these people refuse it’s ok it’s proberly better as in it may cause more problems than good, I don’t believe that a wife is any less if a man’s family refuses because I know alot of cases were they know the wife but dislike her for whatever reason and that’s in a monogamous marriage, at the end of the day whatever situation you are in Allah has put you in it wether it is in secrecy or publicly, All you can do is ask Allah for his help And mercy and only he knows what is best for you

    But yes I agree with you Ana Thankyou

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’m sorry to hear what happened. I think you are right to leave, based on what you’ve just told us and all that you’ve said about your marriage and the co. To leave seems best for you and your son. Your marriage appears to have run its course. Ask Allah to make it easy for you to move on. You’ll be okay with the help and permission of Allah {hugs}

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. We get caught up with thinking a situation should be carried out a certain way. When it isn’t, we get upset or angry. We think they (our husbands) should just know. We end up hurting ourselves by thinking that way. I’ve done it a number of times and have hurt myself in doing it, not only with my husband, but with family members and others as well. We can’t shouldn’t assume and we shouldn’t take anything for granted. We need to learn to be better communicators. We have to learn to swallow our pride as well.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    It appears to be a case of non-communication or miscommunication between you and your husband. If he didn’t want your daughter to go to the wedding that took place over a year ago, I doubt that he would have said to get her ready so that he could take her on that day. He would have simply left without her, and would been done with it. I don’t think he was playing head games with you and trying to jerk you around. Men don’t think the same way as women. We all don’t think the same as women either. It’s why communication is extremely important. Your husband may have assumed that you being the mom had picked out an outfit for your and his daughter and you had it covered. Maybe he assumed you had the money or had gotten it somehow for the child’s outfit or your mom or someone else chipped in to get it or something to that affect. He may not have given her outfit any thought at all. He may have been preoccupied with other matters. It could have been anything, but what you thought it was.

    I’d suggest you not let the same thing happen again this go around. Ask your husband if your and his daughter is invited or simply ask him for money and say you need to buy the little girl an outfit for the wedding. That way he’d know he is supposed to take her with him. If she’s not invited, you’d know once and for all, as he should tell you.

    If you have no indication that anyone from that side of the family mistreats your daughter, you shouldn’t go there in your mind about it. Your husband wouldn’t let anyone mistreat her. It’s rare that other people blatantly abuse a child in the presence of a whole bunch of people. I say speak with him about it early and once and for all, so you have your answer and you could keep Satan at bay.

  • Tasliyman

    February 5, 2016

    Jasmina

    I am so sorry you had to go through that.

    I pray that things get better soon In-sha Allah and that your son will recover from the trauma of this ordeal.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    asiya,

    You asked how a husband could make it up to a wife who is a secret, and make things just for her. He can do it by bringing her out of secrecy and treating her as a wife the same as he does for the other one. There should be no secret wives. It’s lowing a woman to the status of a mistress or whore.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    asiya,

    A person should consider that having a secret wife opens the door to a whole host of other problems such as slander, backbiting, gossip etc. People could begin to suspect and say the two people (married) are committing adultery. In some countries to this very day in 2016 women are being stoned to death for suspicion of having committed adultery or fornication; although death isn’t the punishment for it that Allah specifies in the Quran.

    Satan whispers to the people to keep secrets. Some secret are allowed such as when giving charity or as a strategy of war or for the benefit of the community in that type of way. Any other secrets are from Satan.

    The people who fear the the family and friends or the community and want to keep wives a secret or polygamy a secret associate those people with Allah. Allah says serve Him with EXCLUSIVE devotion. They have made others equal with Allah because they fear them as they should only fear Allah. Only Allah should be feared. Allah says don’t concerned ourselves with the reproaches of others. Let those people talk, if we’re not doing anything wrong. Being married in a polygamous marriage is not wrong.

    It’s why when Tawwakul was here talking that fear stuff saying it’s okay, I had to nip it in the bud. She was trying to take people where they shouldn’t go. When Allah says fear Him and Him alone, it means exactly what He says. It doesn’t need any detail other than it. It’s basic and simple. Of course people are fearful and scared or jealous and envious, BUT it is not a good thing. It’s a bad thing unless they fear falling into sin or disobeying Allah and things of that nature. We have to work against fearing other than Allah. Some people say, for instance, Aisha (the wife of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH) was jealous. I’m sure she was. She was a human being. It’s NO EXCUSE for a person to be jealous. It’s a base, low emotion. It’s wrong. People are lead astray when they listen to people who make excuses for wrong.

  • jasmina

    February 5, 2016

    i am packing my bags now. im leaving. i dont know where but i do not care. my husband came home early 1st time ever and i thought i was for me but it was to confront me about something i supposedly said but i havent. i ignored him so he got upset at my son amd started hitting him and i went to grab him and it hot ugly until he pushed me. i got called stupid, idiot and a donkey. he sat my son down and and made him say that my mum was stupid and my dad was a dog and my siblings stupid. he said he is not to go anywhere near or talk any of my family members. it escalated quickly because i stepped in to defend my son amd because after he called me names i got very emotional and hr hates it when i cry. i told him i was leaving and he said its am instant divorce the second i leave. i may not be perfect but i am not a bad person andbi do not deserve this. he says the way i talk to him and yell at him when i am angry is not like a wife. i get so angry because after years of staying silent i cant anymore even ifbi want to, i always talk back. i cannot take it anymore.

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    asiya,

    I don’t think any wife should be a secret. The whole purpose of marriage is that it should be publicized. Marriage whether it is monogamous or polygamous is a lawful way of life ordained by Allah. If family and friends can’t accept that the man and woman are in a polygamous marriage, it’s the family and friend’s problem. It’s not the husband and the wife’s. Those family and friends whether they are Muslim or non-muslim reject what Allah has made lawful. Those people are the ones in the wrong. Allah tells us who to take as friends and protectors and it’s not those who reject faith. It’s probably a good thing that the ties were cut, if it happens. One may cut ties with those who reject faith, and is trying to lead them away from the path of Allah.

  • asiya

    February 5, 2016

    Gail, I hope it works out for you

    With being postie it’s easier said than done but I we incorporate it slowly into our daily life it will become natural. I love how when someone is so happy and positive it spreads and the energy makes others too its like a bomb or attack but it’s positive

  • asiya

    February 5, 2016

    As salamu alaykum Ana,
    Was curious of ur views on something
    I agree that second third or fourth wife’s shouldn’t be secret or as some are unknown to the community but certain occasions and situations require it to be.. for example when a man’s family ( parents and siblings) or even a community and people around you dislike it to the point they would cut ties with you and yu are out casted and trouble is brought forth if a man is known as polygamous.

    Would you agree that the women who is a second third or fourth wife needing to be hidden if married to the man should agree to the terms of the situation and be understanding and if not shouldn’t have married if she knew.

    And if she has agreed and is understanding and still wants to be married to this man how in ur opinion should they continue the marriage in secret,
    I have heard of people who are secret wives unfortunately and there are places or people the cannot see how can a husband make it up to that wife so it is fair like what the first wife gets as she can be seen in places and with people eg family members publicly

    How should they compromise to make the other wife happy or a bit more contented

    I see it as a tricky situation because for one the woman is knowling walking into it and has a choice but two the husband has to be fair and equal in his best ability what are your thoughts

    Thankyu sister

  • Tasliyman

    February 5, 2016

    Ladies I would appreciate some input as I am faced with a situation that I am not sure how I should handle.
    Iโ€™m trying very hard not to do things the way I used to but in this situation I am really tempted to do just that (which is being childish and silly by the way).

    A little over a year ago, one of my husbandโ€™s daughters got married. In the weeks leading up to the wedding everybodyโ€™s outfits and accessories were being sorted and wedding plans were in full swing. Not once was it ever mentioned that my daughter was supposed to attend the wedding. I am 100% comfortable sending her to their home as I know that she is being treated well.

    As the other wife and I never interact with each other it was obvious that I would not be attending the wedding. Although I came into contact quite often with the daughter who got married, the topic of the wedding was always avoided probably as I would not be attending.

    In the days leading to the wedding nobody (including my husband) ever mentioned my daughter attending or checked to see if she had an outfit to wear so I assumed that she was also not supposed to attend. I thought they probably felt that her presence would create awkwardness as people would question who she is and where she fits in.

    On the morning of the wedding, as my husband prepares to leave he tells me to dress my daughter so she can go with him. When I told him that she was not invited and I did not get her anything to wear, he was apparently so shocked and said that it was her sisterโ€™s wedding, she donโ€™t need an invite. The fact that he made sure everybody except my daughter had new clothes to wear seemed to be of no importance.

    My daughter is at the stage where she outgrows her clothes very fast and she really did not have anything appropriate to wear that fitted her at the time, so I did not let her attend. To this day, I still believe that she was actually not welcome at the wedding but my husband refuse to admit this and says I was being silly.

    Now Iโ€™m sitting with a situation where another child is getting married soon. And same like before all the plans and preparations are being made and nobody is saying anything that even remotely suggests that my daughter is supposed to attend.

    I am 100% sure that if I ask my husband straight out heโ€™s going to say sheโ€™s obviously supposed to attend. But I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want to send her somewhere if sheโ€™s not going to be welcome.

    On the one hand I think I should do the same as last time โ€“ not ask and if he wants to take her with on the day just refuse.

    On the other hand, what if Iโ€™m wrong and they just assumed that she will be attending?? Her siblings are quite fond of her (sheโ€™s much younger than all them) and I know that their mother also treats my daughter well.
    Is this another instance where Shaytaan is just messing with my head? I just donโ€™t want to send my daughter where sheโ€™s not welcome and have her growing up with emotional scars.

    HELP!!!

  • Gail

    February 4, 2016

    asiya,

    Loved your post about being positive.I am all for that in m life.I am very bog into manifesting by thinking positive and just asking G.D for what I need.It really works and I find it so amazing.I have started to teach my kids the art of manifesting through positive thought as well.
    I will look into the magnesium oil thanks to let me know about it.

    Ana,

    Yeah I am very happy m blood work has come back fine.I am learning so much studying about nutrition this winter.

  • asiya

    February 4, 2016

    Gail I hope ur health gets back on track, I have heard Amazing things about magnesium! I watched a youtube video from a women who owns a hijab business called pearl daisy she suggested magnesium oil it comes in a spray form apparently it has so many beneficial factors and absorbs straight into skin into bloodstream, goodluck sister

  • asiya

    February 4, 2016

    Salamu alaykum,

    Ana I love the post yu sent to jasmina I can relate in many ways ur right to leave it all up to Allah,
    It can be so hard but I’m hoping to trial it out and just remeber that whatever happens if I leave it up to Allah all my problems and affairs will be ok..

    I feel like I have wasted so many years of my life and I haven’t been able to enjoy and do things the way I needed to make me be succesful and a person a mother and wife
    Before polygamy I was on a roller coaster ride dealing with converting and marrying into family and my own family issues and then when that chaos settles a little bit polygamy came along and omg that has been he’ll of a ride…

    I think we should all have a Goal this year make it something big
    Stop being negative in our lives thinking that nothing will work out for us cause we are doubting that Allah is looking after us
    And start practising positivity and start seeing the miraculous things that Allah will make happen in our lives

    I’ve had some dark days were it’s taken over amd shaytan try his best on those days sometimes I feel so purposeless

    INSHALLAH we all get through our problems and lives I’m only just started to get mine back together

    But it’s a good feeling to remeber and know this life is only temporary and everything we have is temporary

    I had a lowly weird day today so it’s good to let it all out get focus back on I guess..

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2016

    Gail, ๐Ÿ™‚

    It is wonderful news about your lab reports. I’m so happy for you. Keep up the good work in being proactive and looking after yourself with holistic medicine and nutrition. You got it going on, girrrl!!! Everything will be okay, God Willing. He’s got this!

  • Gail

    February 3, 2016

    Ana,

    I got my lab reports back everything was normal on the reports and the doc seems to think I have low serotonin levels and that is why I am having shaking and twitching going on but that has since stopped because I am taking magnesium which happens to convert into serotonin.I also have alot of anxiety.I am on a medication to get my serotonin level up.Also I am holding my breath that once my serotonin levels are back to normal my stomach pains will go away.The doc said slow digestion is a cause.It was like a light bulb going off.
    I have another mole that came up on my neck and the doc said it needs to be watched.I told her no way it has to come off ASAP so i am going on the 17th to have the mole removed.I am being proactive now with all moles and having them cut.I am so shocked I am getting this many this will be my second mole to have taken off within a yeah.I one taken off my back during the summer and it was sent to pathology and it came no cancer so I think for me this is the best course of action.Oh my twitching has stopped Thanks G.D!! now just working on my seratonin levels.

  • Gail

    February 3, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Yeah I figured the way u were talking it seemed to fit your situation perfectly.I would advice u to listen to Ana she has been through crazyville with her own cowife so any advice she gives u will really be good in your situation.
    As for me my excowife seems to be the same as your cowife.Mine would act like a the sweetest thing and couldn’t be more helpful on my face but behind my back she talked about me like I was a dog.My sister inlaws told me don’t trust on her so many times.The bottom line I figured out is that most women don’t accept polygamy nonmuslim or muslim and if they don’t accept they will do everything in their power to get rid of the other wife.Hear is the test that will keep your heart true…. U block her nasty attitude out of your life u don’t pay attention on it because it really means nothing to u.U don’t give it credit u don’t even acknowledge her nasty side exist.If your husband starts in on u tell him straight to leave his attitude and other wife at the door and if he can’t do that then just don’t come to your house because u r not going to be a doormat to anyone.U will have to tell him and I would advice u to tell her as well.Once she gets a clue u she is not going to chase u away(u can leave/divorce but don’t let her chase u away with her evil conduct and manipulation)U will choose IF and WHEN u want to leave NOT her.
    Men are easily manipulated but they figure out after awhile and in the end either he will figure out or u will accept the situation u r in or u will divorce.These are your 3 options so don’t stress out and sure don’t let that girl stress u out with her evil behavior.
    She don’t accept Polygamy and chances r she never will so what who cares who died and made her G.D and ruler over your life understand? Allah/G.D is the one u answer to not her so don’t even think about her and tell your husband straight leave his other wife at the front door and either come to your house fair and just or or just don’t come at all.
    U may very well end up divorced I don’t know but don’t let her chase u away that would be crazy!
    One more thing just understand Polygamy is hard on most women and they do things they might not normally do when it comes to sharing a man.Women are very possessive so I would say try not to dwell to much on her negativity.It is a clear sign she is angry and hurting herself otherwise she would be loving towards u.
    My own cowife flat told my husband to divorce me and so did her parents.My husbands sister was married to my cowife brother and they were mistreating his sister very badly because he was not divorcing me.Long story short my husband believed all her lies at first but the truth came out and he left her and even i told him to forgive her and he refused and would not take her back.That has been 3 years now.I am a firm believer that the truth and the honest person will always win because they just don’t give importance to the negative behavior of a cowife.

  • Gail

    February 3, 2016

    Nadia,

    I think this guy that has been your friend may very well be the answer for u but I would still say give it some time finish school.Here is the thing u need to be looking for in a marriage.U want a man that is G.D/Allah fearing and wants to be a good husband.If u know him and his character and know that he loves Allah and tried to be a good muslim( I assume u r muslim)and he treats u with respect then love will come u don’t need to worry about that.Once married u know that the man is yours and u r his and then u have kids.Sex and babies create bonding as long as both parties are good with each other.My sister inlaws all 5 have had arranged marriages and all of them love their husbands soooo much.

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2016

    jasmina,

    You made me laugh when you said, “who wouldn’t right” read this blog ๐Ÿ™‚ When it comes to your co, at least you have an idea that she is trying to work against you. You have to get to the point where you can stop thinking of her. If you are in fact correct that she is trying to sabotage your marriage, you’re right where she wants you to be as long as you let her get to you. It’s what she wants and it’s working. She wants you to be upset and to argue with your husband. She wants you to get so fed up with all that is going on to the point that you leave the marriage.

    Some wives hate being in a polygamous marriage because of all the game playing that takes place between the cos. He dances to the other wife’s beat. Other wives deal with the same thing. The difference is that they are able to recognize what’s going on, but ignore it. What makes the difference is where the wives heads are at. A wife who will prevail under such conditions is the one who knows that no one can bring any good or harm to her unless Allah wills it. Allah doesn’t want to hurt his believing servant. So, if the wife is doing right by Allah, Allah will protect her. The wife who makes out well under such conditions as you described is the wife who know that Allah sees, hears, and knows all things. He see what the evil acting co is doing. He will deal with her. She’s not getting away with anything.

    Let Allah do His things with regard to her. You stay out of it. There is nothing to defend yourself from. Sometimes we need not do a thing and all will be taken care of. Don’t talk to your husband about her, as he will only defend her. He doesn’t want to see any wrong in her. Seeing wrong means he has to act and he doesn’t want to act. He only wants to defend her. He may be doing the same when she speaks out against you. He may defend you, as well. You just don’t know it. As long as you think she has power and your thoughts are on her and what she is trying to do to you and your marriage, you’ve got a problem. You believe she has power when we should only know and believe that Allah has the Power and no one else does. You must believe that Allah will protect you. As long as you’re remembering your co, you are not remembering Allah. Allah only remembers those who remember Him. Try to stop focusing on your co.

  • jasmina

    February 3, 2016

    After a conversation with my co, today it is even more apparent that she is trying to drive me away one way or another. I got the feeling from something that she said that expects me to leave anytime soon and is just waiting for the day. I wish I could not on into detail of what was said but it is too revealing and I have a feeling she reads this blog (who wouldn’t right :P)

  • Nadia

    February 3, 2016

    Salam Ana!
    Hehehe take your time you can answer to that question whenever you can and like ๐Ÿ™‚
    You are so right Ana, Love before marriage is all about lust and desire. I’ve seen many couples break up or split after they get married because they married each other because of lust. Real love as you mentioned doesn’t shut on and of. Instead the real love is marrying someone who wants to work with you for the hearafter, and wanting to be with you in Jannah as well. That is the most beautiful love two people can have for each other <3

  • Nadia

    February 3, 2016

    Salam Clarisaa!
    Your story it’s almost like the same situation like me. How great is that you founding someone who is single and that also loves you. It’s funny how the previous guy you were going to marry before contacts you after he sees you happily married. Men are always like that when they see someone they have lost be happy with someone else. May allah bless your marriage and thank you for sharing your story it was very helpful ! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2016

    Nadia,

    Your question about why I love my husband just gave me an idea for something I’m involved in right now. I have to answer your question later. I like the question

    About the love a woman has for a man before the two marries, if in fact they do, REMEMBER, a lot of it is lust most of the time. I think lust is a means to bring males and females together to make them want to mate. Of course no one is to mate without being married. Lust is somewhat like a mating call. It’s something to draw men and women into each other.

    One needs to have something deeper than lust and desire to make a successful marriage. Marriage changes the relationship. What one experience in the early states of “dating” changes once one marries. It’s not an easy thing to explain. It has been acknowledged by many. I’ve heard it (that marriage changes a relationship) since I was old enough to know what love is. If it’s love, why do men and women fall in and out of it when dating??? True love isn’t shut on and off that way.

    A Muslim need to love someone with the intent to have it help her or him grow closer to Allah. They should want to raise believing children etc. It’s not about the feeling the two have for each other that makes them want to jump each others bones all the time and rock each others world in the bedroom. Those things are good, but shouldn’t be the goal of a marriage.

  • anabellah

    February 3, 2016

    Carissa,

    Thank you much for sharing your story. It should be helpful to Nadia. You were going to marry as a second wife. Thank our Creator that the Jordan guy was dragging his feet, cuz look what happened. You met and married a man who was single. You escaped all the drama and baggage that goes along with marrying a polygamous man. You got to live what a monogamous marriage is like.

    Iโ€™m interested to know why you wanted to communicate with the guy from Jordan a year later, knowing he is still interested in you by his dialogue? Iโ€™m glad your husband nipped it in the bud for you. You donโ€™t want anything to get in the way of your marriage or have you doubt it and your love for your husband. Good for you! Iโ€™m so happy to hear it is all working out well for you, my dear ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Nadia

    February 3, 2016

    Salam aleikum Sisters!
    Thank you so much for your help ! Im not answering him anymore. I did not know real love can come after marriage. Because every single person i know would say that ”I have to date the guy, and after when i’m starting to catch feelings for him i should marry him. Because what they mean is if i don’t love him i could make the worse mistake in my life by marrying him.
    Ana you said you didn’t love him in the beginning, im just wondering what was it that made you love your husband after your marriage ๐Ÿ˜€ <3

  • jasmina

    February 3, 2016

    Gail

    you were so right in suspecting my co having something to do with my husbands recent attitudes. i cant get into the detail but anyhow it has been clear that she has influenced him with some of the things he has recently objected about. either he is easy to influence or she is darn good. she could make a person hate on another and they wouldnt even know it. i am absolutely amazed at how well she is playing her game.

    i got furious at him when i realised that some of what he said wasnt his own decisions, it was hers. how dare she put her nose into my familys business and attempt to sabotage the little good we have going on.

    I am upset at my husband but more so at her. i do not know how to handle this. i fear she will break my marriage again. she is a snake inside but smells and looks like a rose. she looks so innocent. she is making my husband dislike me and my son. she did something that made my husband think i was a liar as he trusts her more apparently so i managed to get this thing in writing from the horses mouth and he then believed me. when he snaps out of it he is good but then falls back into it all and it is always after he gets back from her. how do i counter what she does without looking like a jealous person acting out. im trying to defend my marriage from this person.

  • Carissa

    February 3, 2016

    Sorry, I am very distracted. So I missed out on the other discussion we were talking about. But I was going to agree Love can be found after Nikah. I too was totally in love with a guy from Jordan. Was to be a second wife. But he kept dragging his feet. But, Alhamdulila I was introduced to my husband. I talked to him a few times on the phone. Decided to meet after about 5 days and when we met? I thought he,seemed like a good guy. We married right away. About a month after we met, we were talking on the phone and he made me laugh., and I said “I Love you!” He stopped and said, that is,the first time you said that. I said, well it is the first time I meant it. I don’t say it unless I mean it. It is so much different to fall in love with your husband, than someone you hope might be. As for the other guy? Very rarely think about him. Usually only think about him when we are discussing disastrous online “dating”. About a year after we married, the first guy contacted me with all kinds of sweet words. I ask my husband if I could write him back. He said, I just want to know one thing. I ask what? He said “Do you want me to let you go?” No way! I did contact the guy, told him I was very happily married and contacting him with my husband’s knowledge, I wished him well, and that I hoped he found what he was looking for.

  • anabellah

    February 2, 2016

    Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam ๐Ÿ™‚

    Which Fatima are you? Lol

  • Fatima

    February 2, 2016

    Assalamu alaikum
    I haven’t posted in a while, but I’ve been lurking. I’m glad to see a new thread for the month of February, I love you sisters so much

  • Number4

    February 2, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh

    Nadia, I will pray great things for you sister. Marry the single gentleman. But do you know if he is interested in polygamy later? Have you had a chance to set up a formal meeting with him to find out his interest and intentions? It’s great that your family knows him, even better. There’s more accountability on his part. Love can follow after the nikah…mine is growing still for my husband.

    Best wishes.

  • jasmina

    February 1, 2016

    plus what asiya said. ask all the questions. i asked all the wrong ones lol… but good fathwr and husband thats about all i would want

  • jasmina

    February 1, 2016

    Nadia

    you let that man go for Allah… and suddenly you get a great guy knocking on your door. i wonder id this is Allah giving you something better. you say he will be a good husband and father inshahallah… what more do you want? grab him, wrap him in rope and do not let him go please. you can marry him and continue yosur studies. date him after the nikah and take it slow. let him win your heart before you live together. if this is from Allah then trust in Allah that he will let you two fall in love. my friend didnt like her husband but after nikah he opened up and won her heart and she was madly in love on their honeymoon.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Nadia,

    I just read asiya’s post to you. I agree with her!!!

    All,

    I’m still trying to play catch up with the posts.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Nadia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You did good by letting the polygamous man go. I’m not surprised that he is still pursuing you. The best thing you could do is not answer any of his calls, texts, emails or anything else. Delete what you see without reading any of it. If you answer the phone without realizing it is him, say something like, sorry, I can’t talk with you. I’m trying to move on with my life. Please don’t call me again. Then say goodbye. I know it’s easy to get caught up in listening to his sweet talk and his pleading for you to be with him. It’s exciting. It’s a boost for your ego, as well. It’s kind of fun sometimes having someone chase you who you love. It’s not always good. In your case, it’s not good.

    About the other guy, first, what do you intend to do about your education? If you are serious about finishing your education before you get married, I’d say don’t consider the new one. Finish your education and by then you may no longer be in love with the polygamous guy.

    On the other hand, if you are serious about getting married, and want to continue your education at the same time, he may be a good catch. He’s single. He doesn’t have a hole lot of baggage (wife and kids). You think he’s a good guy. Your family and friends like him. You’d be able to live monogamously at least for a while. It beats meeting some loser or psycho on the internet. It sounds to be a good deal to me. Insha Allah, you won’t be in a position for a hole lot of surprises. It’s better to know someone who others know.

    I know you say you are in love with the other guy still, and want to know if you marry the other whom you don’t love, will love grow. It can. Remember loving a man is not common in Islamic marriages unless the dating game is going on. We’re not suppose to do it the way non-Muslims do. I was introduced to my husband by a co-worker. He knew my now hubz was a good guy, hard working and educated etc. We had much in common from a worldly perspective. I didn’t love him when I married him. I asked Allah to put the love in my heart for him and He eventually did. I love my husband till death, now. I wouldn’t give him up for all the tea in China LOL So, yes, love can grow. It happens all the time in many Arranged marriages.

    Make duah and ask Allah to direct you and give you guidance. If you marry the guy, ask Allah to put love in your heart for him, IF it is good for you.

  • asiya

    February 1, 2016

    And sister yes true real love can come after marriage

  • asiya

    February 1, 2016

    As salamu alaykum nadia

    You may have had love for this polygamous man.. but for this other man who seems to be much better for you the love that can grow between you may be much better and stronger than what you have now with the polygoumous man.

    Allah knows what is best and if your istikhara turned out bad I suggest you listen to that.

    I just pray for you that what ever choice you make that it is the best for you and you live a happy and peaceful easy lofe. .

    You are still young but be wise make sure you meet the same understanding and goals when coming into a marriage you don’t want to have different mind frames eg wanting to start a family, kids or no kids, studying or no studying , work or no working, etc etc
    It is so vital to communicate with your potential spouse I stress this because I made the mistake of not doing that and now my marriage and lofe is all over the place.

    Good luck sister

  • Nadia

    February 1, 2016

    Yeah i saw my post didn’t receive so i wrote again. But i hope you all understand what i wrote.I just wrote the same thing but in different meanings and words lol <3

  • Nadia

    February 1, 2016

    Asalamu aleikum Sisters! I just saw that the previous discussion was closed and that really devasted me i thought that it would not be no more discussions., but after seeing Ana posting a link that brought me here was very realiving. I really love this blog and i love how the sisters help each other. Ana may allah award you for helping and supporting all of us. Im so happy for finding this blog Wallahi. HAHA and also thank you for not making fun of my English as i mentioned before im not from a English speaking country lol.
    Anyways Ana i dont know if you remember me but im that 20 years old girl studying in university and was thinking about marrying a pologymous man. Allhamdulliah i did not marry him and i just want thank you all of you for your good advices to my problem. But i need help Ana….. He doesn’t leave me alone.. He calls and texts me everyday. I cant move on with my life with him doing that. I tried to block him on facebook and other social media but he then contacts me by my local phone. Wallahi when he does that it wakes up my feeling towards him and i dont want to marry him… I did the Istikhara dua and Wallahi Allah showed me that he is not the right person for me. I want to move on but i feel so weak sometimes. There is another thing i want to mention to there is a muslim brother i knowed for years and he wants to marry me. He has never been married before and does not have children. He is good person and all of my friends and family knows about him and they really like him. I do not love him and i dont have feelings for him. But as i said he is a good person and i know him well and i know that he would be a great husband and father to my future children if Allah gives me some :P. Right now i do focus on my education and allhamdulliah it goes very well for me i passed my test i did recently yeeey :D.
    Im just wondering how can i forget about the man i love… and can real love come after marriage, can i love the man who wants to marry me after marriage?
    Big love to you all sisters <3 <3

  • Nadia

    February 1, 2016

    Asalamu aleikum Sisters i just saw that the other discussion post was closed and that devasted me, i was like ”Omg no more discissions” but after i saw Ana posting a link that brought me here made me happy. All i can say is that i was releaved when i saw there is more discussions lol . I love this blog since i first saw it. Ma sha allah all sisters here are so wonderful and Ana thank you so much for creating this blog, may allah award you for all the helping and support you do for all of us. Hahah and also thank you for not making fun of my English lol as i mentioned before im not from a Englisg speaking country :D.
    Anyways Ana i dont know if you remember the issue i had before. But im the girl who was 20 years old and studied in university, and i was talking about before me maybe marrying a young pologymous man. I didn’t do it allhamdulliah. And i just want to thank you all before for your good advices to me. But i need help Ana…. He doesn’t leave me, he calls and texts me everyday. And wallahi im not lying everytime he does that he wakes up my feelings for him. I dont want to marry him and i want to forget him but how can i when he does not leave me alone. I tried to block him on the social network but then he calls me on the local phone. But there is also another thing i want to mention, a another muslim brother i knowed for many years wants to marry me. I know him and i know that he is a good person and everyone loves him. He has never been married before and does not have children. Im focusing on my education and allhamdulliah i passed my test that i have done recently Yey :D. Before when i was thinking of marrying the pologymous man i did the istikhara dua and wallahi Allah showed me that he is not the right person for me. I do want to marry the other man he is a good muslim, my family knwos him and my friends and they all like him. But i do not love him. Im wondering Ana how can i forget about the man i love and Can real love come after marriage? <3 <3
    Big love to you all sisters

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Nadia, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t know why your posts went into spam. I will retrieve them now.

  • Alison

    February 1, 2016

    Hi talisyman

    For sure am a much better person today than I was a year ago alhamdulilah thanks to anna and the blog most of the time am a silent reader as I am so overwhelmed with work currently but it lifts me up whenever I have a rant up I read and I feel so much better

  • Tasliyman

    February 1, 2016

    Hi Alison

    I agree with you 100%. This blog in it’s current format is definitely helpful to many people.

    If people are open to being helped and changing their situations, they could also benefit immensely.

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    Hey there, Sis Alison

    I was waiting to hear from you, my friend ๐Ÿ™‚ I love you too, my dear sister-in-faith. I pray you and your family are well. Love hearing from you.

  • Alison

    February 1, 2016

    Hey beautiful ladies Asalam aleikum hope all is well with everyone.May Allah bless you all for making the polygamy experience easier on people. All your experience makes someone somewhere to be calmer and a better person

    Love you all

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for February 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the January 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-January-2016-discussions/