Finances and Polygamy

Finances & PolygamyWhen a woman thinks about marrying a man who has a wife already, she should take a good look at her finances and polygamy before the marriage. It is so that she will know how much she will need from her potential spouse. She will need to negotiate financially with him. She should have a male to represent her, as well.

So, how much money should she expect or request from him? It is a good question, but there is no simple answer to it. The answer depends on the finances etc of the man and the woman. It is all relative. It varies based on the woman’s finances, what she needs, what she is willing to accept and what the man is willing to give or can afford. All of those variable come into play.

As you probably already know, there are some women who enter a polygamous marriage asking nothing financially from the man. She gives up any right for him to take care of her financially. Certainly, she could do that. It’s okay.

Usually, a woman agrees to such a thing out of a strong desire to marry the man and wants him to feel that it’s a good deal for him to marry her. She wants to take pressure off him and make marriage to her seem more appealing. It relieves him of any financial responsibility to her and makes her look as though she is a good catch.

Before marriage, a woman should take a close look at her finances and polygamy to avoid future problems

There is a downside, as well. It’s when the wife failed to see the picture. She gives up what was her right, just so she could marry the man. Once she has married, now that he is her husband, she expects him to help her more.  As a result, she becomes resentful and begins to demand more. She begins to feel that he is taking unfair advantage of her. Especially, she expects more from him when he pays all the expenses for his other wife and children.

He could refuse to honor her request or her demand for more money. It would be within his right to say no or to divorce her. After all, now, she refuses to accept and abide by the first agreement/contract. On the other hand, he could agree to her demands, if it is within his means. In fact, probably it is best, if it would make things more just and fair for all concerned.

When it comes to finances and polygamy, a woman should think twice before she agrees to accept no help from the man. It’s not good, so to speak, if she switches the script on him. For it is not fair to the husband’s other family that may have to make sacrifices and do without, so that the husband could give more to his other who wants more now. It is important that a woman looks at the situation closely with open eyes, as the man bases his decision to marry her on what they had agreed to at the onset.

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finances and polygamy

Finances and Polygamy

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109 Comments

  • anabellah

    November 1, 2017

    Mari2,

    That was such a cute story about you and M. I loved it. 🙂 It is adorable situations like it that make the couple know they are a good fit. I’m familiar with that type of closeness. “Sure nuff must be love. It’s got to be…” Those are some lyrics from a song that I used to love LOL – but soooo true.

  • Mari2

    November 1, 2017

    Ana,
    My explanation wasn’t very clear. My fault. Sometimes I fail to clarify my thoughts in written form.

    But a little “intimacy ” story…Sunday night M and I prayed Isha and climbed into bed. I was snug in a pair of my flannel pjs. He was snug in a pair of MY flannel pjs: ). Crazy rainstorm outside hitting the windows of the bedroom. I’m reading the news. He’s reading some volume of World Book of Records. All of a sudden I realized we turned into a bonifide old couple…lol. So I said “baby? I think we just turned into an old married couple.” M said ” MASHALLAH we’re warm, fed and happy. Everything is so peaceful. No crying or screaming or fights. Old is good. Life is good.”

    This. MASHALLAH.

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you. I figured I probably read it wrong. When I went back and read it again, I gathered it was what you had said and I had misunderstood it. It just threw me for a loop initially as I thought you were saying that all people in monogamous marriages obsess about sex all the time LOL I said to myself, that can’t be; I know many married monogamous people and they’ve got a lot going on and don’t seem to give a hoot about sex…LOL

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2017

    Tasliyman,
    I also agree that one can not be responsible for the way others may feel. It is definitely between them and Allah.

    Ana…what I was trying to explain and I apologize if my explanation fell short, is pretty much what you stated in the 4th paragraph of your response to me below. I can’t explain to those of a one man for only one woman mindset that it’s easier to know my husband is involved in a halal relationship with another wife than it is to know he has a piece on the side or worry about if he does.

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I’m with you when you said, ” I cant take responsibility for the fact that they are “disgusted” by what Allah makes lawfull. That is between them and Allah.” That’s heavy.

    Allah says leave Him to deal with those whom he created bare and alone. All affairs goes back to Him for decision.

    How sad, how many Muslim accept only the parts of the Quran that are to their liking. A person can’t enter Paradise unless they accept the entire, whole Quran…

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    I like your definition of intimacy. Also, I can see what you’re saying about how Pakistanis approach marriage as an ownership situation. I think it’s safe to say that most people in any type of relationship whether it’s marriage or a dating relationship treat the relationship as an ownership type situation. The parties all think they could tell each other what to do, when, where and how. People want to control other people.

    I probably didn’t understand you well when you said, “Women in monogamous relationships usually focus their curiosity or disgust on the act of sex as if sex itself defines any marriage or relationship.”

    Thinking about it, I’d say Muslim women who are married whether in a monogamous or polygamous marriage focus on sex in the marriage. Even women who aren’t married focuses on sex. Sex is one of the basic needs along with food and shelter. The only difference is that men have an avenue available (polygamy) in which they could satisfy their sexual desire in a halal (lawful) manner in terms of being sexually intimate with more than one woman and don’t need to resort to adultery, fornication or what non-Muslims call “cheating” to do it.

    Most women in a polygamous marriage, a monogamous marriage or no marriage view sex in a polygamous marriage with “curiosity” and “disgust” as they (women especially) think sex should be between one woman and one man only. They focus on the sexual aspect of polygamy more than anything else. If you’ve seen the movie, “Philadelphia” Staring Tom Hanks and Denzel Washington, Denzel as the attorney in the movie speaks on how everyone is interested in sex and who is doing it with whom, how often, when and where etc.

    It could be said that many Muslim men may engage in polygamy to have a marriage along with what non-Muslims consider a girlfriend on the side that is considered a marriage as well.

    What really takes marriage to a higher level than just being a means to satisfy earthly desires, which sex is one of them, is whether or not one is conscious and focused on Allah. Those who view polygamy in a positive light, possibly have that needed focus that we as Muslims should have. If one is not focused on Allah, she or he focuses on self and worldly pleasures. They view this life as what is most important and all that matters. It’s their Paradise. They’ll not have a Paradise in the Hereafter.

  • Tasliyman

    October 30, 2017

    Mari2
    I agree with you that the curiosity and disgust is mostly about sharing the husband sexually more than anything else.

    I’ve gotten to the stage where I tell myself what other people think is not my business. I cant take responsibility for the fact that they are “disgusted” by what Allah makes lawfull. That is between them and Allah.

  • Mari2

    October 29, 2017

    Saira,
    Chances are (well in my case anyway) the stupid questions are about how you can bear to “share” your husband. The implicit question is really curiosity about sexual relations, not finances or schedules. Women in monogamous relationships usually focus their curiosity or disgust on the act of sex as if sex itself defines any marriage or relationship and a woman who willingly allows her husband to have sex with another is somehow lacking, even if that “other” is a wife.

    The fact is is that the act of sex relations is sex. Sex is a physical act. Anyone can do it, like it, or not like it. Intimacy, shared experiences, getting thru hardships together is what really defines intimacy. And intimacy can exist without sexual relations as well. If a man and a woman have an intimate relationship and work on keeping that relationship strong, they can both make their way successfully through polygamy. I don’t know if any here have ever seen the show Will and Grace. But the main characters in the show have the intimacy/friendship I’m talking about.

    In my time with a Pakistani husband and dealing with women in this culture as well, I feel they approach marriage as an ownership situation. But understanding that ALLAH is the owner goes a long way.

    It’s hard for me to explain. But M and I have our ups and downs. Sometimes we have ups and WAY DOWNS. Somehow though we pull ourselves back right..MASHALLAH.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2017

    Sister Saira,

    I don’t blame you for not wanting to answer their “stupid questions.” It’s not as though they come to you seeking help and advice, because they’re thinking about entering a polygamous marriage or are in one. It’s not as though they come to you saying they really, really want to accept the idea of polygamy, but are struggling with it and want your help. They ask their “stupid questions” because they are nosy as hell and just want to be all up in your personal business. They want to turn their noses up at you and look down upon you, to make themselves feel and look better (in their minds); then they’ll go off somewhere and gossip about you and your personal business to other people.

    Keep being and doing you. Remember the better person is the one who is the most righteous one according to Allah. Strive to be that most righteous person.

    Furthermore, remember that Allah tells us not to let those outside our ranks into our intimacy; they will lead us astray, if we do.

  • Saira

    October 28, 2017

    Alhamdulih sister Ana
    This whole blog is reminder and wake up call for us women who struggle day by day
    In today’s reiality you can’t get any one to remind you of your deen and correct you
    And even very religious ladies in our community do question my situation
    I was very much going in Islamic gathering in local places but some of ladies weird looks made me give up
    I rather do something else then answer their stupid questions
    You are right about talking to deaf and dumb
    Every day is reminder for me and Alhamdulih as happy to be pArt of this blog
    😘😘

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2017

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    It’s okay. It’s what we’re all supposed to do – remind one another when we forget. We will forget or may not even know something. It why we should help one another. It’s about being with like minded people who could remind us when we err or forget. My husband and my wali reminds me and I remind them.

    One thing I struggle with is expecting people in general to be a certain way and do things the way I think they should do them. I need to accept people for who they are. If they aren’t Muslim/believer or striving to be, then they are going to do jacked up/whacked/not cool/not kosher/non-halal things. They will be all about SELF – themselves and satisfying their earthly desires. This planet is their paradise. They will be in the Fire on the Day of Judgement. They won’t thinks as we do. I need to just see them as they truly are and not complain about it.

    People aren’t going to understand and accept polygamy, if they aren’t believers. So it’s a waste of time to try to get them to see things as you see them. Remember, when you talk to them, you’re talking with the deaf, dumb and blind.

    You were right in correcting those people who introduced your daughter as their cousin, instead of the relation that she is. All you could do is get them straight about it and keep it moving. Try to avoid them as much as you possibly can. People who aren’t on the same page as you are going to irk you and make you dissatisfied with your situation, which in turn makes you dissatisfied with your Lord, because, after all, He wrote the script.

    It’s all good. As Allah says, He will test us. We’re not going to be 100% where we need to be while on this planet. Nonetheless, we have to keep striving to be the best that we can be and never, ever despair. {{{hugs}}}

  • ummof4

    October 28, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum and hello to all. Mari 2, I’m with you. I used to wear long loose clothing before I became Muslim and now I wear them and abayas all the time. I never had too much time for fashion so I like to keep it simple. Throw on a printed khimar and I’m good to go. Alhamdulillah we as Muslim women can dress in any style or fabric as long as we are covered.

  • Saira

    October 28, 2017

    Salam sister Ana
    I agree with you I did always thought I won’t my daughter to be in polygamy married but you corrected me
    Who I am to choose exactly it’s Allah who choose for me and it’s Allah who will choose for her too
    No matter if it will be hard in Pakistani culture or not it’s in Quran and I can’t deny that
    It’s just some time when normal day to day life roller coaster hit you you feel like that
    I will in sha Allah raise my daughter knowing what our religion teach us not our culture.
    I been so brave and AlwYs keep my head up higher knowing I have not don’t any sin by entering polygamy but sometime the so called close friend of in laws say to me why I did that and it hurts me
    My mother in law introduce my daughter to her some of friends and when my co’s kids were there. She told them that this baby is their cousin
    I got so angry after wards I told her why u said that
    She is not their cousin she is there half sister and it’s best if you don’t tell any thing to people if you feel bad
    I don’t want my daughter grow up calling he Dad her uncle
    Aparently hubby was called aww you got nice cousin baby and I didn’t care what they think I told them it’s his daughter and he is my husband
    I relize my self I have changed so much since I had my daughter
    I just wish some day not to be in polygamy not because being not able to have husband all my self it’s just when I have to deal with all this
    But am sure I will get over it once I they all disgust and accept who I am and my daughter
    But Alhamdulih sister Ana JazakAllah for correcting me

  • Mari2

    October 27, 2017

    Ana,
    I for one love abaya for the comfort and how beautiful many abaya are. And so practical too. At home in your leggings and t shirt and have to attend Jummah? Toss on a gorgeous abaya and hijab and nobody knows what’s underneath. An unexpected guest shows up? Toss on abaya as you head to the door. Once at masjid I had to smile when the sister in front of me had hello kitty pj pants peeking out from under her abaya. I was like “rock your pjs sister”.
    I like shalwar too. But have a love hate relationship with dupatta. Hijab is easier for me to wear as it is not comprised of approximately 8 million yards of slippery material as is dupatta or chaddor. I am an admitted dupatta fail. I can’t keep it on my head and more than once I got it caught in the car door. Lol.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2017

    Saira,

    You could help yourself by taking a good look at what you wrote. You said you swear to God that you won’t choose polygamy for your daughter or anyone else. Do you really think you choose or chose polygamy? Do you really think you’ll have any control or power over your daughter as to whether or not she’ll enter a polygamous marriage? What happened to the fact that Allah chooses our mates for us, that Allah decides all things?

    Don’t you want your daughter to get married when she’s old enough? Oh, so you’re saying that monogamy is okay, but the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who was polygamous is not; although Allah says that it is.

    What you said indicates that you don’t accept polygamy. Even if you think all that you said, it’s best that you recognize it as wrong thinking, and ask Allah to put you on the straight path about it.

    You said you think polygamy is better in other nations. No where in Quran does Allah say polygamy is only for people in certain nations or countries, as it would be easier. We’re not on this planet to just have an easy life. He said He created us into toil and struggle. He says He tests the believer. Come on now. We need to learn what Allah says. Unless of course one is just living for worldly pleasure and to have a good time with her husband and long for a fairy-tale marriage that doesn’t exist.

    Allah has allowed polygamy for all men and for all times, yesterday, today and tomorrow. Note: I said He has “allowed” it, not made it mandatory or obligatory.

    A problem is that Muslims freely talk about marriage as it relates to monogamy, but speaks of polygamy as an abnormality. Muslims need to see polygamy as a form of marriage that is just as acceptable as a monogamous marriage and not differentiate other than to know that it entails men having more than just one wife at a time.

    It’s what jumped out at me about your post, Saira.

    About in-laws, I’m just happy my mom butts out my business, unless I ask her for advice or go to her yapping about what happening in my life, which is best not to do, as she is not Muslim.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2017

    Mari2,

    I see based on what you’ve stated that your co is disillusioned about how she thought living here in America would be. Sigh. It made me chuckle when you said that she stated, ““I am Pakistani and will only follow my culture here.”

    About wearing certain clothes as a Muslim, I’m always amazed by how little people know. You may not remember or may not have been here when a sister from Egypt posted saying a Muslim woman should look like her – she had a gravatar of a woman in burka. I thought- how unbelievable. I suppose she’s never been to Hajj. If she had she’d know that all Muslim women don’t look like that. They are all different, dressed in various types of garb of their native land. I was most impressed by the ones who were there from Indonesia. There was no mistaking them. Their attire was awesome. They all dressed alike so they wouldn’t loose each other. Of course, Americans must dress differently there at Hajj than we do here in the States.

    Many Muslim don’t realize that there isn’t only one particular dress that a Muslim must wear other than she must dress modestly and cover her private parts – not have her cleavage showing, sleeveless blouses, mini skirts and all that jazz. It always baffled me that certain Muslim women born and raise in the US adopt Arab garb and many Arabs don’t even like them. SMH We’re not Arabs…I think it’s an identity crisis.

  • Saira

    October 25, 2017

    Salam all
    Sister Marsh s my husband always tells me what is feel like to love some on the way you describe and love only saying you love
    He always claim he is madly in love with me and same I feel for him but when ever things don’t go right between us first thing in my mind is separate from him and live alone and don’t ever get married
    You might be same feeling to be in your own when you get hurt
    I think when you have highly self esteem you don’t take humiliate from your partner lightly that why u might be feeling that way
    Sister Ana
    I some how agree with you that some time women experience polygamy being single and in dating zoom
    When she wait for her husband all excited like new lovers but some time u have to be all alone
    I am in polygamy but swear to God I won’t chose this for my daughter or any one
    I hate is same time
    I really feel inspired when I meet polygamy women from different colture other then Pakistani and Indians
    I AlwYs think may be polygamy is batter in different nation
    In Pakistani culture u have two mother in laws lol
    Co and your one mother in law
    AlwYs one or another makes issue and pump hubby 😂

  • Mari2

    October 25, 2017

    Ana,
    I agree that a woman with no experience with a man until marriage will not be functioning as an older woman whose been through betrayal, heart break, and the experience of marriage. A wedding is a party. Marriage is the hard part. Co is just beginning to learn that marriage is hard. For her IMO it’s doubly hard because she’s newly come here, she’s away from her support system and culture and she’s part of a polygamous marriage. I have no doubt of the hardship she feels. I lived with MIL for a time as we can remember from my past posts. Even I as a well seasoned woman relationship wise, wasn’t having MIL pressure. Unlike co, I was able to say to M “nope. Not having it. You two can go now.” And they did.

    M, MIL and SIL didn’t tell co what it would be like here polygamy wise. They told her what to expect with regards to cost of living, M’s long days at work, living situation and her (cos) need to work. Co not only arrived here to a polygamous situation (which she was aware of prior to arriving), but she arrived to find herself without servants, she arrived to a basement apartment full of relatives, a husband working long hours, and no room of her own. Needless to say she was first angry at M. Then she sent her ire towards me and other random women, including ex wife 1.
    I told co that I am not her enemy. But she would prefer to insult me, accuse me, lambast me etc. I understand it. However she’s not helping her situation. MASHALLAH their living situation has improved somewhat which is a blessing.
    Yet co needs to realize that the US is a place that is NOT Pakistan as well. There was a point in my conversation with her that she told me I wasn’t a Muslimah because I didn’t wear shalwar. I told her I dress modestly and shalwar isn’t the uniform for Islam. I informed her that there are a myriad of Islamic forms of dress and in America anything goes. Then she went on a “I am Pakistani and will only follow my culture here.” Fine if it’s about food and clothing. But sadly it’s not. She told me she doesn’t like the “Spanish ” Dr at the clinic or the “African one”. She only wants the “white Dr.” to deliver her baby. My eyes rolled so far back in my head…

  • anabellah

    October 25, 2017

    Marah S,

    I don’t think there is anything wrong in the way you feel in your marriage. Those who are head over heels, crazy in love with their spouses are usually the ones who had a chemical attraction to the person, such as lustful feelings towards person, before entering a relationship with the person. There was an instantaneous attraction there. Usually that feeling changes when a couple gets married. It probably tends to linger if a couple live together without marriage as well. It’s because it hasn’t become marriage.

    Marriage take a relationship to a whole different level from dating or living together. Once married, the couple settle down. It can be known to become monotonous.

    There is a difference between being in love and loving a person. I’m not saying that one can’t be in love and love the person at the same. To love a person is a mature love that is deeper than being in love with a person; although being in love with a person is more intense. One could say it’s lustful.

    I think being in a polygamous marriage opens the door for the – in love stage to manifest itself again or present itself if not present before. When one feels that she is about to lose her husband or her husband is actually gone, as in away with another wife, the wife without him begins to feel the love for him. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” One gets a chance to miss her husband and long for him. She looks forward to him coming home to her. It feels similar to dating again. Some have equated it with a feeling of being single and married. She has the benefits of dating (her husband) and being Married to him at the same time.

    I don’t know if I’m making myself clear enough. Anyhow, it’s what I think about it. I had experience being out there in the dating arena before becoming Muslim. Dating was way fun, but being married is beautiful because one has the sense of security and freedom to just be oneself completely with each other. No one wants to be out there searching for love. Looking for love in all the wrong places, as the song goes.

  • Marah S

    October 25, 2017

    Im really different from a lot of women in that regard, my husband is the first and only person I’ve ever been in any type of relationship with but I never felt head over heels crazy in love with him. Before I got married my friend who’d been married for some time told me that the first year I’d be so in love he’d be the only thing on my mind. I kept waiting for that feeling to kick in but it never did. I remember watching stuff on tv and hearing people talk about love and how it felt to be in love and it would make me feel like something is wrong with me that I didn’t feel in love with my husband. I do love him but not the way I hear love always described. I think that’s why when we’re having issues I’m quick to start thinking of separation because I don’t feel that overwhelming attachment or longing for partnership with anyone in my life except my daughter. I think my struggle with polygamy is more about my own insecurities and Ego and not about him.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2017

    Mari2,

    I was just thinking about something that you said. Did you say your mother-in-law and sister-in-law told your co how life was going to be for her once she gets to the States? How could either of them tell her about polygamy when neither one of them ever lived in a polygamous marriage? Anyone could tell someone about something in theory. Real life experience matters. Reality matters.

  • anabellah

    October 24, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    I understand where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine a young virgin woman getting married and she has to deal with polygamy on top of just simple, plain marriage one on one (monogamous). The wife who is in a polygamous marriage has double trouble.

    Relationships are difficult for those who are experienced in them, as in dating or living together before marriage, let alone for a woman who has never had an intimate relationship with a man and she gets married. Usually the woman falls deeply in love with a man who is her first and only intimate encounter. She’s going to act as those who are crazy in love act.

    People have problems in all types of marriages and (dating) relationships. Here on the blog we’ve read about many older women who have children, whether infant, toddler, teenagers or adult children still struggle with polygamy or the thought of it. So, it’s asking much for someone to expect a woman who is marrying young and virgin with no experience in dealing with a man and very little experience in life to act as an exemplar model of a wife or near it. Expecting her not to complaint or cause any friction between the wives and with her husband is ludicrous.

    Alhumdulliah that we have this blog, so that we can read about and communicate with women of all ages, backgrounds and cultures who are dealing with polygamy up close and personal. We can learn a lot here. I know I have.

  • Tasliyman

    October 24, 2017

    Ana,
    I agree with you wholeheartedly about not knowing what you are letting yourself in for before the time.
    I had no relationship experience before getting married and although I knew that my husband was married with children I still had no idea what it would really be like. I was not prepared at all for the difficulties that I had to face in the early days. If I knew u certainly wouldve run a mile in the opposite directionhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    I have a feeling though that even being an only wife would have been a major adjustment for someone with very little life experience.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’ve learned over the years of being on this blog that it doesn’t matter what a person signed up for before she entered a polygamous marriage or what she thought she signed up for or agreed to. No woman knows what it’s like to be in a polygamous marriage until she is in one. No one knows the future and how it will be in any condition or situation.

    It was impossible for your co to have a clue what being in a marriage was like, let alone a polygamous marriage when she has never been married before. From what I gathered from your posts, she is believed to never have had sex with a man before she married. She never lived with a man before. It’s all a first for her. We live it and learn it. It’s not about being told.

    So, the – she knew or she was told, really mean absolutely nothing…

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    As you stated, who knows what the sidebar conversation, if any, was about that the co, her family and M’s family members had about polygamy. Perhaps they did assure her that she would only have to deal with it for a short time, and it would only be a matter of time before M would divorces you. Maybe they advised her that her main concern should be with getting to the States and getting setup there.

    Sadly, there is no one to teach your co Islam. As we’ve spoken about before, there isn’t much anyone can do to combat the thousands of years of Pakistani culture that supersedes Islam for Pakistani people.

    It’s virtually impossible for your co to move on without knowing Islam. It’s easy to tell someone to move on. Although, it’s not easy to do. It doesn’t matter who tells her to do it and how often she’s been told.

    Only Allah can give one understanding and guidance. He only guides those who seek His guidance, and there is no guarantee that if one seeks it, they’ll get it.

  • anabellah

    October 23, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you for elaborating on what’s been going on, so we could have a better understanding.

    I thought about Gail and her husband when you said that your co found evidence of “some random woman” when she was roaming through your and her husband’s phone. Gail said that her husband was involved with another woman on the side (I don’t know if Gail thought it was platonic or more involved). It leads one to wonder if the two of them (the husbands) were looking for more wives or were simply flirting and playing around online with women, which would fall in line with what Aeiysha said many Pakistani men do. I don’t know if I spelled her name right. I’m referring to the sister who has the Pakistani website to help women learn the Pakistani culture and men.

  • Mari2

    October 23, 2017

    Ana and Tasliman,
    Thank you for your input. But as Tasliman noted…there are underlying issues. The issue I have with co, and former first has with co is her inability to fully understand that which she agreed to when marrying M. Co cannot accept being a co, yet she agreed to be a co when she engaged to M while he was still married to 1. And I am not finger pointing here. I am stating a fact. She knew. She accepted. And yes there may have been side bar conversations re divorce, but at the time co agreed to the engagement she knew M was still married and she would be a second. That’s a flat out fact. And I had absolutely nothing to do with that.

    Yes. M married co 2 years later and didn’t come clean with her about the fact he was married to me though divorced from 1. Ana you know from back then I was against this. Not pointing fingers, but his lie is a flat out fact, which unfortunately here now in the present seems to be more of my problem to deal as far as co goes than his.

    Co knew years before she left Pakistan that she was still a second wife. Fact. Maybe there were more side bar conversations re divorce, but as of yet that hasn’t evolved into reality. Again, none of this was of my design.

    There is ex wife 1, me, and some random woman co discovered while roaming thru M’s phone that she has equally blamed for ruining her life, stealing Ms love, committing fraud in her marriage, yada yada. Am I belittling her? Nope. I am stating her factual attempts to belittle me, them, and draw us into her unhappiness with M.

    So, being a rational person I pointed out the obvious to co: “we were all here years before you.” That’s a fact. “None of us took him from you, our relationships with M existed before you.” Fact. Am I belittling her? No I do not think so. Its the truth. I simply answer her accusations factually and resist her attempts to get me to cowtow to her “in my society” demands.

    And I am hardly the only person telling her to move on…ex wife 1, MIL, both SILs, her brother, M, AND HER OWN MOTHER. Inshallah. I will continue to pray for her.

  • Saira

    October 22, 2017

    Sis sareena
    Sorry I re read your post now and got it what u trying to say and actually now I got it why co showed hubby and her separated in most legal papers for council tax and child or work tax purpose. Feaww 🙄
    I been thinking she done for my local authority thing but hubby been in mine (our )address so it make sense to pay one person council tax
    I was paying council tax😂😂😂
    When money gets tight I would want to change hubby address and do same now 😂
    Silly me seriously some of these things makes sense to me now wow

  • Saira

    October 22, 2017

    Wasalam sister sareena
    I know what u trying to say about system in uk about polygamy and all but if u recall I have mention I had problem vd local authorities I won’t go too much in details as every thing work out so nicely for me
    And due to am on risk of postnatal depression we had to satisfied local authorties too
    My husband is my husband in Islamic law and in this country we are living in partner and my co is claiming single parent thing and she shown single but about tax craded and all we not showing we earning that much and my husband pays tax only for me as his part time worker
    There are even non Muslim people living vd partner and still have wife’s too and yet both of families claim and show the partner nme too
    My husband got one property on one co name and planing to get one my name too by this year
    Our social worker and their lAw team spoke to us and told us as long as we don’t tell he is legally married to two women same time it’s fine but if he have relationship with two At same time no one should have problem
    So far he been showing me as partner and yet both families been managing Alhamdulih fine
    In start I was scared if some one complain and he get in trouble but Alhamdulih every thing is fine
    I appriciate so much to co for this as she never made any fuss by telling doctors , school teachers and all documents that they no longer togater
    To make life easy for husband
    But Alhamdulih nothing majuro we ever had problem where we get stuck or thing what to do or hide
    He openly admit to authority that he is with two women and it’s allowed in Islam
    Our neighbours knows and whole family and kids knows they all sister and brothers togater
    Worse come worse if some one ever complain to make us in trouble they need solid reason to take my hubby to court he is doing what most of English people do behind close doors and he is showing every one and Allah knows his attention

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    LOL, I’m working on getting off the blame shifting blame wagon myself. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Tasliman

    October 22, 2017

    Ana,
    Where can I get a few cans of that “blame remover”??? Lol. I know a couple of people who could do with a good dose of it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • Tasliyman

    October 21, 2017

    Aslm ladies,
    Mari2’s constant negative posts about her co-wife also gives me the impression that Mari2 has underlying issues that she’s not willing to admit yet. I’m not saying what she’s saying about the co is wrong or not true but to me it seems like she’s focusing too much on the co.

    Then I wonder what would be a better way to deal with the co and I dont have an answer. Because it’s hard enough dealing with a ‘problematic’ co-wife in the usual circumstances, how on earth are you supposed to deal with her when she’s about the same age as your children??? This is someone you are sharing a husband with but she probably has lower emotional intelligence (due to lack of experience) than your own children.
    Mari2’s husband asked her to give the co some guidance. Did he expect her to look after the co as she would with her own children??? What did he actually expect from her???

    So although I dont agree with Mari2’s constant belittling of her co-wife I do feel for her for the tricky situation that she finds herself in and I dont judge her as I dont even know what I would’ve done if I was in her shoes.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    finances and polygamy

    finances and polygamy

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    One way I certainly don’t see that age makes a difference is in how co-wives complain about each other. There are a lot of finger pointing both ways.

    finances and polygamy

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Oh, I forgot, Mari2’s husband is a Pakistani man. Perhaps he was used to seeing women all covered up in a lot of cloth and didn’t know what was underneath there. He thought it was all the same.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Serena,

    Thank you much for elaborating on how the system works in the UK. What you explained about the UK is probably no different than how it all works in the US.

    In Saira’s situation, her husband being legally married to his other wife could be why he doesn’t like to attend her medical appointments with her. I think she has said he leaves her there or she sometimes goes alone, if I recall correctly.

    Saira and the husband very well may have told the social service workers or medical staff that they are partners, but in reality what they say doesn’t mean much of anything when it comes to the legality of it/the law, as you stated.

    Women in polygamous marriages who don’t have legal documents have to be strong enough to overlook the laws and see their marriage from an Islamic perspective. I’m sure it’s far from easy. It could very well be a test for them. Allah knows best. I certainly don’t know.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Serena,

    I understand what you’re saying. It’s just that sometimes I bite my tongue when I hear Mari2 speak, and then it gets to the point in which I can’t hold back any longer and have to speak up about what I think about what she’s saying. Some may think that age is just a number and age has nothing to do with how one acts. To a degree it is true, but to a degree it’s not.I just can’t see how a woman who has dated men (I’m assuming Mari2 dated before her first marriage), married and had children; the children are now grown adults; she then get involved in a polygamous marriage, thinks she’s on the same level as a woman who is twenty years old, never dated, was never married, never had a child, is now married and pregnant for the first time, have never lived with anyone other than her family and her husband is her first love. Most know how that love is – it’s special (at least at the time). To me, it’s like a mother who has daughter who is 20 and expects the daughter to be on the same level as though the mother’s life experiences doesn’t count or matter. Maybe I’m not expressing it clearly… I dunno.

    It was even more bizarre when Mari2 said her husband was amazed at how different her co’s body was compared to Mari2’s. How could he not expect that a teenager’s body would be different than a mature, older woman’s who had birthed a couple kids? SMH

    Anyhow, Serena, your point is well taken that you think Mari2 was being judged unfairly about how she feels.

  • Serena

    October 21, 2017

    Ana Walailkum asalaam

    Thank you for replying. It’s that I felt Mari2 was being judged unfairly about how she feels.

    Yes I did read your posts. I understand it’s ok for her to keep writing the way she does.

    Saira

    I live in the UK. I know how the system works. Without going in to too much detail I know very well how being married to one wife and then saying you have a partner that you live with and how that works with the authorities. I also know for council tax purposes how you have to be registered living at a certain address. For tax purposes you cannot have your wife and partner on official documents. I am not making this up. It is the law. We can say anything we want here to justify ourselves but the law is the law and any anyone can find that legal information from the Internet.

    I am not saying this about you but in Britain two marriages are just not recognised. A man cannot say he is living with his partner but also living with his wife and both live at different houses. He cannot legally tell the benefit officers and tax officials that he has two females as his wives. When a working man says he is married for tax purposes that means married to his legal wife married to him by the law of the country. He cannot then say oh but I also have a partner and I want to include her in my tax documents too!

    There were documentaries on tv about how Muslim men have more than one wife in Britain. Teachers doctors and various other professionals may know some Muslim men have more than one wife but that does not give the wives who are only married Islamically the same financial status as the legally registered wife.

    Lynn

    I agree with you how woman and men agree to things just to marry eachother and it happens in monogamy and polygamy.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Of course, there are always some out there in cyberspace who try to make that ayah out to mean that it’s an indication that a man shouldn’t engage in polygamy. Those with knowledge and understanding know that it’s not what it means. Those who reject polygamy and therefore reject Allah jump on that lame excuse to find fault in polygamy.

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Lynn, hey there! Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Now there’s a name and face from near the very beginning of the blog. Long time no see or hear from. It’s so nice to hear from you, Sis Lynn. I pray all is going well for you and your family.

    Thank you much for contributing. I like your simplified reply. I agree with you that most wives will accept the terms of marriage so as to marry the man, but once married will expects the same “fair” treatment as the wives who married first. I see it that most people will agree to just about anything within reason to get what they want. I agree with what you stated as well that “It can never be the same for both depending on needs actually.”

    Wives need to keep in Mind what Allah says about the man being able to be fair and just between women. He say that a man cannot be fair and just between the women regardless of how much they (the men) want to be. It goes back to what Mara S reminded us of – that Allah determines what we get etc. He determines all things, after all, He created it all. Allah stated:

    “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful” Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 129

  • anabellah

    October 21, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    About Mari2, you stated, ” Maybe she doesn’t need help from this blog for that but to use it as somewhere to vent. Isn’t that ok to do?”

    Maybe you missed it in my previous posts in which I stated:

    “She could certainly keep writing it. I don’t care. Insha Allah, I will still continue to write about what it sounds like to me or I what I think about it.”

    Furthermore I stated:

    “Continuously pointing a finger at the co and how she complaints and blames all the time and don’t contribute much isn’t helping her. It give us something to read of course.”

    In a follow-up post I stated:

    “As I said, I don’t mind reading and listening, but only am concerned about when she’s going to back up off the co and deal with her own issues.”

  • Lynn

    October 21, 2017

    Salam Ana and all sisters

    Hope everyone is doing well. I have not get the chance to read the comments yet.

    Most of the co wives will agree to polygamy and the terms before the marriage. Once married they expect to get the same fair treatment in terms of everything.

    The husband has to play an important role . It can never be the same for both depending on needs actually.

  • Mari2

    October 20, 2017

    Salam,
    I pray everyone had a wonderful day. It was a gorgeous day in my neck of the woods and I was able to enjoy it greatly.

    For the record, I received nothing money wise from my ex husband. I walked away from the marriage with a car, car loan and my clothes. I took a loan from my parents to pay for the divorce and as my son lives with my ex, I pay child support monthly. I don’t mind doing so because he is my son. But I have issues with M in regard to his nagging me about spending money on my children. He has this annoyance that I cannot understand when I help my children out financially. And I’m not talking about oodles of money being spent on them..its like when I buy my son a pair of sneakers once a year, and M gets all huffy about it even though it’s my money. He even gets annoyed when I buy my parents gifts for their birthdays. Whatever.

    I didn’t initiate the past months contact with my co. I never gave her my phone number so she could text me. M did. Why did he think that would be a good idea? Heck if I know. He just asked me to counsel her kindly. I was rather flabbergasted and annoyed. I tried. She isn’t having any of my advice. I blocked her. I never put myself on her drama wagon, M put me in that spot. Probably to let her vent on me rather than him. Thanks dude.

    And the gift…it was a one time gift when I was hoping to/trying to be nice. It had nothing to do with pleasing my husband because I don’t need to please him. But despite my attempt she’s been a brat. Oh well…lesson learned.

    Yeah she’s young…and yes that is her excuse btw. But when will her “I’m young” coupon expire? My “I’m old and not feeling your drama” coupon has no expiration date.

    M didn’t divorce his first wife. She left him right before she won a judgement for a workplace injury. And she made him sign a document where he forfeited any claim to her payout.

    I have no qualms about not being the legal wife AT ALL. Why would I want to be? I don’t need a visa. I don’t need his debts tied onto my name. Thanks but no.

    And yes co got screwed over when she landed in polygamy. But I cautioned M against being dishonest. I understand her issue with it. But it’s almost 3 years now…so move on. Accept or divorce. Don’t try to make this polygamy thing my doing, blame me for whatever shortcomings of her Cinderella dream. I wasn’t her wali. I had nothing to do with the falsehood, her family did. I didn’t create this monster that seemingly destroys her mind on a regular basis.

    Re: pregnancy and medical benefits. M is committing fraud. Unfortunately he shared that fraud with me. I don’t have to like it and I don’t have to accept it. It has nothing to do with my previous miscarriage, it’s hardly jealousy, it’s more like I am ashamed of him. SMH.

    To reiterate: I do not contact co. I never gave her access to my number. My ex pays me nothing. I cautioned M about faking his singleness when he married co. M commits medical fraud..i don’t agree…nothing to do with past miscarriage..just a pesky thing called ummm…law. I am no where near lamenting about not being a legal wife. Sent gift to co who for the past year has been blaming me for just about every ill in her marriage (mistake rectified). Co is young…and that’s her carte blanche to bad behavior. Think I summed it up.

    Have a blessed evening.

  • Marah S

    October 20, 2017

    Saira,

    Sorry if you feel I criticised you in any way, I’ve been PMSing like crazy so I might have come off more snappy then I intended. I don’t think you’re greedy, if your family has a way of working out expenses that works for everyone than that’s great! I just don’t think anyone should nag their husband or complain about stuff like pocket money, especially when it comes to differences between what they and their co wife are getting. Allah decides what each person will get alhamdulillah.

    Also saira it may be true that your co-wife has a spending issue but it’s hard for me to judge her because I don’t know her circumstances, how many kids she’s got and what her expenses are. It’s better for both of you not to compare and become envious of what the other has, it seems that you’re both doing it from what you’ve written here.

  • Saira

    October 20, 2017

    Salam all
    Sorry sisters I have tried to type in few time to reply but some how my reply get lost and never able to find it
    I am replying for all who ever point question to me in best manners if I can
    I don’t come here and write all the time I only come when i get chance to type and write lol
    If I have time I would love to write every day without being criticised
    First of all I am second wife but my husband and I showed we both togater living partners and our social worker knows we married
    So much of child benefits and txt credit we not able to claim due to my husband showing high income and due to that I had to give up housing and all other benefits as live in couple and about child benefits my husband does not want me to claim at all it’s just his wish so I hope make some sense to some of them
    Second question how does co knows what am getting
    Mostly my husband and we all togater few times week at family home vd all family
    And my husband like to tell what ever he gets for me or we get to his mum and sister
    And house stuff my husband gets for both houses togater
    Some of his accounts shown in my address and some of in co address so some time parcel does mixed up
    And I have typed the reply for sister Ana way before and it got lost too
    Sister Ana my husband never pays his attention to both houses expense only when things got bit tight then he spoke vd both of us togater and we made financial list
    And both got told what we getting what will get and how to save and help him
    I already helped him soon I find out he in. Little struggle and co was struggling soon he cut bills
    Then he ask co what bills Need to pay and what savings and she was in debt
    Things never got settle and then mom in lAw got involve to settle our finance
    That is how they find out what’s in my bills and what In co.
    I was at family house before I came home and seen the reply and typed now
    My husband can’t drive now so even more close we all are now vd co and all family and every thing is more clear now
    It’s different terms for every one to use for pocket money saving or what ever
    And I think I wife saves or want to save no matter the live polygamy or not I think it’s healthy thing and
    If you know your husband is good at savings and will use money for rainy days I would not worry for so called pocket or saving money which made so many of yous think am greedy
    If husband don’t spend money he is stindgy but if wife’s is good it saving ( for his own family and kids) then she is greedy
    All can’t be happy in this world

  • Serena

    October 20, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Ana

    I get what you are saying.

    Maybe it’s just the way Mari2 writes. You mentioned some issues in her old posts about the pregnancy and money to do with healthcare etc. When Mari2 writes we pick up on how she might be feeling and she is given advice when we reply to her posts.

    It’s fine that she sometimes doesn’t go into much detail but again we do pick up on the “hidden” parts Mari2 feelings. Like the example about the gifts. Marah s explained that.

    I am sure Mari2 is aware of the issues she has about being in polygamy. She doesn’t need to write every little bit of detail about how she feeling. Maybe she doesn’t need help from this blog for that but to use it as somewhere to vent. Isn’t that ok to do?

    We don’t know, does co herself use being young as an excuse? I agree with mari2 it’s not about being young. I also agree with those that said it’s just the way she is. She is who she is.

    Mari2 can’t compare her Mil with co. There is a generation gap and times change. Maybe co doesn’t want to work because she may think that if hubby can marry two woman then he should be able to support them as well (financially). Nothing wrong with that.

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2017

    Mari2,

    When it comes to pointing a finger, it’s easy for one to blame someone else for what is going on in her life or what is not happening the way she wants it to. You said your co blames you for ruining her life and her marriage. What do you blame her or others for? Have you been taking your frustrations, anger, bitterness and resentment out on your co?

    I think it may be that you are angry and bitter because you were second wife and your husband divorced his first wife only so that he could legally marry his cousin and bring her to the States? You can’t tell me that it didn’t effect you that your husband married his cousin who seems to have slipped into the place of his now ex-first wife. You’ve spoken of all the monies that went into your co’s wedding and all the monies that your husband had to spend, after a lengthy engagement. You could say you don’t care; you don’t want to be legal anyhow as you’re receiving monies from your ex-husband and for those type of reasons, but deep down inside, perhaps more is going on. It’s has to have an effect on you that your co is younger and now is pregnant when (as sad as it is) you recently lost your child in a miscarriage. It must bother you that your husband’s mother and the co wants your husband to divorce you. It’s a lot to deal with. It’s enormous and you’re holding up well considering. You’re doing darn good. Nonetheless, you’ve got to start acknowledge and deal with your own issues. You’re trying to hold onto your husband and your marriage.

    You’re not wonder woman and you’re not made of steel. It seems to me that you’re trying to cover up for all that you’re dealing with by seeing fault in your co, and you’re in denial about all the real issues. Perhaps it’s what Rosa was trying to say. It’s certainly what I see… If you say, no it’s not. Then what is it????

  • Marah S

    October 19, 2017

    Mari 2,

    I get all that you’re saying. Your co-wife’s character and behavior is bad and you don’t like it. I also see your point about her age not being an excuse. But really when it comes to co-wives we’re almost always going to find flaws. For example when you say she has no problem accepting your gifts, you say it like it’s a bad thing but if she would have rejected your present she would be an even worse person in your eyes so she’s kind of damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t.

    I’m not saying that your frustrations with her are invalid but it’s really best you simply leave her alone. Stop sending her gifts and getting involved in her drama. When she starts pointing fingers at you, ignore her, you’re far more mature than she is. She’s her own person, I’m sure she has some good qualities about herself as well as some unique flaws, but thankfully it’s not your problem to deal with so why not leave her in her corner where she belongs and not get involved?

  • anabellah

    October 19, 2017

    Mari2,

    What I’ve heard you say in your last post is that your 20 year old co should be behaving the way your mother-in-law; your daughter who had a child at age 19; and your sister-in-law who is the same age as your co behaves. You’re saying it’s no excuse that she is young.

    What gets us in trouble is our expectations. People are the way that Allah created them and they do what He wrote for them to do. You said your co is who she is. Well then you should know to accept her for who she is and not for who you think she should be. If you don’t like her, leave her alone. If she doesn’t like you, then leave her alone. Why buy her gifts when you know that she doesn’t like you? I don’t blame her for taking the gift. We’re suppose to take gifts when someone gives them to us unless what was given came from some illicit, ill gotten, illegal means. Do you think you could buy love from her? Do you want recognition from her and your husband’s family? Do you want you husband to think you’re a good person, a keeper? Are any of those the reasons you buy her gifts. Islam doesn’t say you need to buy a co gifts. He tells us to investigate people so we know who to be bothered with and who not to be bothered with.

    After being on this blog for as long as you have, you should know that no one knows what they’re getting into and what it’s like until they are in it. Just because your husband and his mother informed your co how it would be once she gets to the States doesn’t mean that she was supposed to accept their word for it and acclimate to the new lifestyle immediately, if ever. Life doesn’t work that way. She has to live it and learn it the same way that you did and everyone else does. You’re not God. You don’t say when, where and how….

  • Mari2

    October 19, 2017

    @Rosa,

    Constant finger pointing? How? I didn’t approach co and blame her for ruining my marriage or being a “problem “. I never accused co of taking money due me.

  • Mari2

    October 19, 2017

    Ana,

    I was stating facts in my post. Yes, I am who I am. And co is who she is. And who she is is here, living with a husband, and her in-laws who ALSO happen to be her family members too. My co has a MIL married younger, from the same village and under harsher circumstances. My SIL and my co are the same age, from the same place, from the same family with equal education. Enough with the “she’s young” excuse. She’s 20 now. She’s here now. That was her demand…be here. Sorry for her if arriving to US with MIL wasn’t her dream. But M appraised her of the reality here. She refused to believe even when MIL explained it too. So it’s not that I am not listening. I have tried to help her, give some advice. But she won’t hear it from me. She’s happy if I send her gifts though.

    And my daughter was young when she had her daughter (19). I certainly wasn’t happy. I supported her emotionally but even 4 years later I expect my daughter to support herself which she has done. And while I adore my daughter and grand daughter, I have never once given my own daughter any excuses to blame her poor man decisions upon me, so why should dealing with co be any different?

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Mara S,

    I agree-someone needs to teach mari2’s co about the qadr of Allah. It’s not an easy concept to grasp. It takes Allah giving the person understanding. Allah only guides those who seeks His guidance.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    One needs to be mindful that mari2’s co is Pakistani and most pakistanis don’t accept and believe in polygamy. So it’s another thing at a very young age that she needs to cope with. Maybe she’s wondering why this has happened to her.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    It’s said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Over the years even before I became Muslim there were women who copied me and some who did after I became Muslim. There are some who still do. I’ve known of a co-wife who asked the husband before she married him what he had given the other wife for a dowry. He told her and she said she wanted the same thing. There were other similar things. Some women are petty that way. They think they’re losing out or something if they don’t have the same thing or they can’t think for themselves – who knows. I don’t get it.

    I’m sure some husbands come home and tell the wife that the other wife wanted this, that and the other. It sounds that it’s what Saira said her husband does. Let’s not forget that Saira communicates with her husband’s family up close and personal and those people are close to Saira’s co, as well. If you remember, Saira lived with her in-laws when she was pregnant, as the mother-in-law insisted upon it. They know what Saira has and doesn’t have. Who is to say that those people didn’t tell Saira’s co or the co wasn’t at that house when Saira was to see what Saira has and doesn’t have. It’s simply what I surmise. I think Saira has said it, but maybe I’m mistaken.

    There are wives who want to spend up all the husbands money just to make sure that the other isn’t getting more than she has. It’s about who could get the most out of him. It’s similar to which wife could pop out the most kids and on top of that – who can pop out the most male heirs.

  • Marah S

    October 18, 2017

    I personally really feel bad for Mari 2’s co-wife. She is so young and was lied to and decieved about the marriage she was getting into, she gets here and all of a sudden she finds out she has to share her husband. It must be a lot to deal with at such a young age, especially now that she’s pregnant her hormones must be all over the place it’s possible that she wanted more out of life and expected something a lot different out of marriage. Maybe in her brain she had this idea of the typical love story and romance but instead she was slapped in the back of the head with reality. I see where depression can come into play here, especially if she doesn’t have strong faith in Allah.

    I’m not saying her behavior is okay but I think u derstand what’s fueling it. She needs to turn to Allah and realize that her husband is not her entire world and that only Allah can bring peace, and also that no one is to blame for her circumstances it is just the qadr of Allah and she should accept her trial or punishment for what it is.

    Mari 2,

    I don’t blame you for your frustrations towards her, but I would say maybe you should just try to ignore her as much as possible and keep your distance from her. Live your life without her involvement as much as you can and leave whatever problems she has at home with your husband and his family for them to handle, that may help you find peace in this whole mess.

  • Marah S

    October 18, 2017

    Saira,

    Money for emergencies, hair care, women’s hygiene products, toiletries, all those other things definitely fall under the necessities that I believe are required for the husband to provide along with food, housing, and clothes that’s common sense. It has nothing to do with “saving money” or “pocket money”. What I refer to as pocket money is the women who have everything they need and more yet still want extra money to spend it on nonesense or to compete with their co-wife or whatever. If a woman wants to build up a savings account the size of the queen of England’s she needs to earn a buck or two herself and not complain about her husband not being able to comply. For those of us who have a lot of savings, I hope we’re giving zakat every year accordingly.

    Every family has their own way of doing things financially. Some men don’t do all the shopping for the house they give money to the wife and she can manage the household and personal stuff however she wishes. Some men only pay for food and household staples and choose to give money to the wife to for her personal necessities and whatever else she needs, there’s nothing wrong with that either, that’s just normal and reasonable.

    I also wonder how your co-wife even knows what you buy and when you buy it?

  • Rosa

    October 18, 2017

    my comment to mari2 was me speaking from experience. Comparing and pointing a finger is so detrimental. I know the feeling of it being done to me and it’s not great at all it’s very demeaning especially for a girl that young who’s confidence and self esteem are at its lowest it’s still being built up. I also considered mari2 earlier posts especially the ones where when it was made mention of what she should prepare for when her co comes to the states and the intimate relationship she will have with their husband and a possible quick knock up and Mari2 said marriage is much more than sex which it is and she doesn’t care if she gets pregnant as mari2 has grown children from a previous marriage but when the co came she was singing a different tune which is okay we never know how we will feel once everything starts truly playing out but you have to confront you have some issues to sort out. I feel as though mari2s constant finger pointing is to hide from what’s really going on. We just want her to confront those issues heal and move in until these things no longer ruffles her feathers. Mari2 seems like a kind hearted generous person who is clearly being tested. Who isn’t

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Maybe you don’t recall mari2 having talked about how her co shouldn’t become pregnant because she was too young and her body wasn’t suited it for it according to some studies that she read and then the co shouldn’t become pregnant because M (her husband) had no insurance and she (mari2) was responsible for the co because she sponsored her to come to this country so therefore she could have a say in what the co does, and how the co needed to get an education before she get pregnant and the co was causing problems and the family was thinking of sending her back and I can go on, and on and on about what mari2 complains of with regard to the co. As I said, I don’t mind reading and listening, but only am concerned about when she’s going to back up off the co and deal with her own issues.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Serena,

    I agree with you that mari2 was telling us about what her husband and his family and her co does. When I commented I wasn’t only looking at her one post. I considered the one along with all of mari2’s posts over the years and how she doesn’t take into consideration important factors of why the young (maybe 19 years old), inexperienced, newly married, newly pregnant, wife who was deceived about her marriage from jump street and is from Pakistan acts as she does. Mari2 being much older with a wealth of life long experiences needs to understand that.

    I could see if mari2 came to the blog and let us know that she’s having problems with coping and is struggling with dealing with her co. I hear that not so much. I hear mostly how much mari2 contributes to taking care of her husband, his family and herself and how she grew up and lived (basically pulling herself up by the bootstraps) and her co is a slacker because she doesn’t measure up to her (mari2). It’s what I’ve gotten from the bulk of the posts that mari2 has written here.

    She could certainly keep writing it. I don’t care. Insha Allah, I will still continue to write about what it sounds like to me or I what I think about it. She need to start looking closely at herself, so she could heal. I certainly understand how she would feel resentful of her co. She need to work on moving past it. One has to recognize where he or she is going wrong before they can begin to get right. Continuously pointing a finger at the co and how she complaints and blames all the time and don’t contribute much isn’t helping her. It give us something to read of course.

    As for Saira, she hasn’t been here on this blog all that long. Most of the time when she writes she writes seeking advice. She seeks HELP in how she should deal with certain situations that she confronted with. It’s what caused us to have this serious discussion about pocket change and saving (which I appreciate her bringing up). She let us know what she’s feeling and thinking – what’s going on with herself. She contributes as well in helping others with her thoughts and feeling about what others write here. She let us know of her struggle and how she’s progressing.

  • Serena

    October 18, 2017

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with mari2 posts. She is just telling us how it is with her husband, his family and co.

    I don’t see much difference in her and Saira’s posts when they talk about their co. Maybe thats just how it is.

  • Serena

    October 18, 2017

    Saira

    How does your co know what you buy? You say she copies you but how does she know when you have bought something?

    Ana

    Here in good old Britain all woman who have children undee 19 get whats called child benefit. Most of the times its the mother who gets the money unless she willingly gives it to her husband. The money is for the kids to buy them clothes etc and to help with usual kids expenditure. It’s not a huge amount but it does help.

    Also polygamy is not legal here. Only one marriage can be registered. So most of the time the second and subsequent wives pretend to be single parents and get benefits unless the woman is working. That normally means kids get free meals at school too.

    So it’s not like the woman is pennyless if the husband doesn’t give her that extra money she demands.

    My dad came from Pakistan as a child in the 60s. He started working as soon as he left school. Shortly after he married my mum and she came over from Pakistan. My dad took care of all financial matters. He would give my mum a weekly amount for grocery shopping. Whatever was left my mum would save it or use it to buy something that we needed. Other times she gave the left over money back to dad to help pay bills.

    She didn’t know much English but managed to get a job. The pay wasn’t excellent but she never kept the money for herself. She wanted to help my dad and thats what she did. Used her money for the family. It wasn’t about me me me and my money and I am entitled to money etc. Alhumdulillah there was barakah (blessings) in their money.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for elaborating on spending. There is a definite difference in the type of spending that there is. As you stated, a man who is Allah conscious and knows his responsibility to MAINTAIN as well as protect women will make sure she has money for toiletries and necessities etc. and will give his wife money to buy gifts (EID gifts) and splurge sometimes, if he has it.

    It sounds that Saira’s co (who is dependent on her husband’s salary) falls into the category of those women who just spend to be spending; however, she can’t spend what she doesn’t have. Supposedly the money that the co is spending comes from the husband. My question is if the husband thinks the wife spends too much that isn’t needed then why is he giving her the money? It seems senseless to complain when he’s the one contributing to her spending habit. Or is it that he simply can’t resist her when she asks?

    Saira, when your husband complains about the co, do you ask why he keeps giving her money? I mean you can’t expect her to stop spending just because you’d do the opposite of what she does, especially if your husband contributes to it.

  • ummof4

    October 18, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Saira, people with good common sense know that emergencies could happen and families need to deal with them. It used to be called “mad money” in the US. Husbands who truly fear Allah and are striving for Jannah would not refuse to give their wives money for toiletries, hair care, sanitary napkins, etc. They would see that she could have an occasional manicure, pedicure or massage. They would give her some time without the children to do something that she would enjoy. The greedy ones that we are referring to are the ones who constantly want “more, more, more” and no matter how much the husbands gave it would never be enough.

    And if husbands do not give their wives permission to work for money, then they should know that they are responsible for seeing that the wives’ needs are met.

  • anabellah

    October 18, 2017

    Sakina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Mari2’s situation. It always helps to hear what others think about things – how they see things, so we’re not just getting the same view all the time. You mentioned that Mari2’s co probably doesn’t get much alone time with her husband; it has got to be difficult, especially not being able to experience a marriage with just the two of them, unlike Mari2 who had been in a monogamous marriage before. Females have dreams and fantasies of the fairly-tale marriage that we all had to overcome or has to. How we imagine that things will be is not the reality.

    I agree with you that sometimes we judge too harshly. I’m not a stranger to that. We’ve got to lighten up sometimes and cut people some slack. No one has got it all together and does everything right. Furthermore, as you stated, “We will be tested by one another, but also we all need forgiveness and mercy.”

  • Sakina

    October 18, 2017

    Salam Alaykum : ) I understand Mari2, yes and the Behaviour from co is not ok.. But really i personally would not jugde.. If i had to live with my inlaws(and with Distance they are really nice)i am sure i would be depressive. Maybe her issues are more that she had no “choice”. Had to live with inlaws, a life she does not want. Get they really time with her husband alone, if always the family is around? That could make homesickness worse. She struggles to accept and lashes out against the people around her like a little girl. But when u see the bigger picture, she has more options , even if its a hard time for her now. She could take her energy to work and be more independent. Through u she could growing out from these cultural environment. I know in general people from there are growing up to serves their inlaws . But maybe its difficult for her, i couldnt do it(Obeying husband..ok, obeying whole another family…feels like a servant). But yeah if she lashes out und does not accept her situation she will not improve. I hope she will be more mature in the future and learn. It is good that u not accept her behaviour, maybe remember her always like Ana what is the main goal in live. And judge not so much, it is possible, if she would be in an acceptable situation, she would working very hard. Like somebody is depressive and lays in the bed and all people say,how bad and lazy. I dont know she needs somebody who shows her the right way. U can only make Dua and hold the distance if she lashes out to u. We will be tested by one another, but also we all need forgiveness and mercy.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    My comment about husbands getting their wives in check was about wives who act out on their co-wives, upsetting their lives and carrying on…

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    Rosa,

    Thank you much for imputing. Sometimes I think or feel I come down very hard on Mari2. I just needed to know that it wasn’t just me maybe reading it wrong. So thanks for speaking up.

    I mean, dagggggg, I’m no teenager by far and I know being in a polygamous marriage could feel like being in an earthly HELL, so I certainly know what Mari2’s co is going through.

  • Rosa

    October 17, 2017

    I think with Mari2 co it’s just all unbearable at the time. I was even younger than her when I married and I knew I was entering into a polygamous marriage and I was unstable, I too was in a new country, the ppl were different, the food was different it was a lot to digest so I can’t imagine not knowing plus all the additional baggage. Perhaps although poor, she may have been waited on hand and foot not used to working. You have to accept people for who they are and keep it moving. Stay in your own lane as frustrating as they can be it’s best to leave alone that which does not concern you. It’s proba best to quit communicating over texts. People tend to get real bold and ballzy over text but won’t dare say the same things face to face. Perhaps even regret doing it yet can’t stop. See how things go from there. Don’t allow her to use u as a punching bag

  • Rosa

    October 17, 2017

    Saira
    I love ur posts they’re so animated lol. I guess everyone’s financial agreements in a monogamous or polygamous marriage are different. I think if your husband doesn’t want you to work then he should expect to provide much more than shelter food and clothes especially with children. Gas money, flat tire, pads, shampoo and conditioner, multi vitamins etc. None of these fall under the category of food, shelter and clothing. In my case my husband pays all the bills and gives me a lump sum monthly to use as I see fit. That works for us. Happy wife happy life lol. Being greedy and not charitable, being worldly shopping online unnecessarily, wasting money is a character flaw. We shouldn’t squeeze our husbands for all they’ve got. Be considerate and understanding and mindful. If you are a stay at home mom realise the beauty in this blessing and live simply and within your means

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    Mari2,

    To be more accurate: You’re an older woman who was married and divorced. You then married a married man (your now husband) as his “second Wife” in a polygamous marriage. You then became “first Wife” when he divorced his first. He then married his young cousin who I believe may be 19 years old now, who could actually be your daughter. Yet, you expect a young, sheltered woman like your co who has nearly none of your life experiences to do all things right when she doesn’t have anyone with knowledge of Islam to teach her anything – not that she’d listen. Certainly all that I mentioned needs to be taken into account when trying to deal with her.

    These men need to “MAN UP” and get their women in check. Going back in time, once upon a time, when my emam? sp (faith) was way weak. I’d say: “Put a leash on your dog.” Sorry if I offended anyone.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    @Mari2,

    I get it. You’re saying your co complains about everything and blames you for the problems in her life and marriage. I still think you’ve missed the points that I was trying to make. I don’t think you’ve listened to a word that I’ve said since you’ve related the story to us over the last number of years or however many years we’ve all been writing here. I don’t think you’re seeing the picture clearly.

    Your co is not your sister-in-laws, nor your mother-in-law, nor you or anyone else. She is who she is. Just because the others are ambitious and go out to work, means nothing in terms of your co. Just because you have worked from the time you were old enough to and have always had your own, although sometimes you had to struggle and sacrifice, doesn’t mean your co is less than you or should be more than she is. She’s just different.

    I think you’re simply doing what most women in polygamous marriages do – compare the co to herself and try to find fault in the other to make herself seem superior. Believe me, I totally understand how and why women do it. No one knows better about it than me.

    Insha Allah, in time you’ll get to a point where you will accept her for what she is and not be bothered with her. You’ll pay her no mind or, on the other hand, you will both be friends. As I said before, you’re a much older woman than she is, and you have grown kids. What? Is she 19 years old yet? She’s just recently married, never had a kid and is pregnant, just recently came to this country, is thrust into a polygamous marriage – it’s A LOT.

    It seems that I’m practically the only one talking with you about this so, I don’t really know if I’m way off base or someone else has something to contribute that is different. I know Mara S jumped in and imputed when you said your pregnant co didn’t offer to help move a couch.

    Maybe you’re just venting, which is okay. But, you need to acknowledge that you’ve got issues that you need to deal with about yourself and stop pointing the finger at your co. Open your eyes…

  • Mari2

    October 17, 2017

    @Ana,

    You are correct in that co has lived a sheltered life. However, she is formally educated. In fact, M paid her final 2 years school fees rightfully after he married her. My youngest SIL recently arrived is the same age as co and has the same education also paid for by M. My youngest SIL however just happens to be a go getter personality. She’s engaged to a man of her choice who is in school for engineering. His family wanted them to marry earlier but she and her fiance chose for her to come to the US first because SIL wanted an opportunity to make money for them both so that they would have money to live on while he continues his studies after they are married. She grew up poor and is a bright girl who thinks to the future and has goals which her soon to be husband shares. She knows she has more earning power here than in Pakistan and she was chomping at the bit to get to work as soon as she stepped off the plane.

    My MIL has no formal education. She was married at 15 and widowed at 30 with 5 kids. She had to scrabble for menial jobs and handouts and M and his siblings remember the many hungry nights. There’s no food stamps or Medicaid in Pakistan. So for MIL to have pocket money is really a big thing for her. And she doesn’t want it given to her by M. She wants to help his business by working there.

    Other SIL married at 15. His mother didn’t want to marry her so young but at the time M was not in the US yet and BIL is a really nice person who is educated and not overly conservative. SIL is happy to “get outside ” the house and make some pocket money. Her husband sees no issue with this. He is here now too and working, and his wife working as well helps his family. BIL left a good paying job as a pharmacist to come to the US on a student visa so his autistic son could receive the education that isn’t available in Pakistan. So BIL and family have lowered themselves financially for a bit while BIL earns another masters degree while ensuring his son is in an environment that isn’t full of idiots suggesting he needs and exorcism.

    And then there is co. Complaining that in Pakistan her mother took care of her. Complaining that she has to clean or cook when once she had servants. Complaining about living conditions here just as she complained about M’s home there. Complaining about having to help out MIL and SIL etc even though in Pakistan that was the expectation for her as well. Work? Not her thing. And when M’s family becomes annoyed by her attitude she cries victim. Or she lashes out at me to blame me for something.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    Sis Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I know you’re way serious, but I can’t help laughing at what you wrote. I’m not even finished reading yet. I’m at the part where your describe how you don’t sit at home and stuff your face while sitting on the couch watching TV. I have to go offer salat now and do some things, so I have to come back and finish reading. I just wanted to get your post approved for now. LOL

  • Saira

    October 17, 2017

    Sister Ana
    JazakAllah not at all I didn’t get affended I been trying to type many times and cudnt type as I work to help my husband in shop and looking after kids same time so hard to find time to look at even phone for a minute .
    When I say I have asked my husband for pocket money and for savings I don’t care if any one think I am greedy
    I have mad clear before even getting married to him
    Either let me work or give me money to my self
    I am not handicap who only need food cloth etc
    There is many more needs women have especially with kids and if you have friends and family to share gifts etc on eid or birthday etc
    I was well independent before marriage and I manag my own expenses and I always works my ass off so I know how to earn penny and I don’t sit and eat chocolate at home in front on tv or get fat by enjoying hot choclote and be lazy
    I am organised person and I like to have nice meal for my self
    If I just say oh am ok my husband pays for my meal and I only have to rely on him
    Then when he is not around I should fast lol
    I think women who just think they only need cloths food and bill expense from there husband they must be joking
    What if middle of night some emergency happen and if u need to call for taxi
    Will u call taxi or think twice oh I don’t have money but I have cloths and bread Alhamdulih lol😂
    It’s different thing if you see your husband struggle and u ask for Gucci bag lol
    My hasband was Alhamdulih very well settle still he is but right now we having difficult time so he cut many thing from co and me
    He took all bills for him self and decside to be equal in our money
    I have done savings and he needed and I gave my husband my savings and he is so proud of me
    I don’t it to save for rainy days
    Never done to buy my self a diamond rings which I could
    My husband waste so much money he has no idea of saving any penny
    Just a small example he been paying for gym and few bills so night when he don’t even go to gym
    I Remeber when I was a child when my dad use to bring grocery I use to hide two big spoon of rice and lentil and sugar etc
    And save them
    My dad got ill and never able to work for few months and we were out of money
    My mom was sad then I showed her my treasure
    It took us good few months to finish that all
    I woke for my husband with out taking any penny from him to help him
    I do still save just little fo emergency
    My husband got messed up as co been over crazy vd copy things
    She got crazy vd shopping
    Now hubby does all shopping for that house and pays bills and he manage to save up that way
    What else he pays and gives it’s his bussiness
    I like to do my own budjet and he seen me and he let me do as I always go for offers and buy one get one free thing lol

  • ummof4

    October 17, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Thanks Ana, for answering Ira. I also think Ira must have thought it was welfare payments for people who are unable or unwilling to work. Social Security is retirement benefits that I have earned from my years of work. I have reached retirement age. Maybe in another country they use the term social security for welfare payments.

    May Allah enable all of us to use what He has blessed us with in the best manner.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    In other words, it’s her retirement benefits. I hope this helps you understand better.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    A person must reach a certain age to begin to collect their social security benefits. A lot of it is money that they contributed to the system while working . They can delay collecting it and wait until they’re older and they will receive more money then if they collect as soon as they are eligible. Some people collect Social Security when they are disabled, as well, and don’t need to wait till the age requirement.

  • anabellah

    October 17, 2017

    Ira,

    Ummof4 said she collects social security, which is what all American citizens are entitled to, if they’ve worked during their lives & contributed to it by having money deducted from their pay. You must be thinking about welfare that people collect when they can’t afford to take care of themselves and the government pays for them. She does not welfare. They are two distinct and separate different things

  • Ira

    October 17, 2017

    @Ummof4

    Did I understand you correctly that you are married, your husband has another wife, and you’re on social security?

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    It’s very important that women realize they have a duty to be charitable and it’s not just on the man. Wealth is for all to have access to and is NOT for us to simply spend all on ourselves or our families. Being charitable is one of the five pillars of faith incumbent on each and everyone of us. Being charitable is mentioned much in the Quran.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    what

    Everyone who has replied has made some very good points.

    Tasliyman’s gave us good reminders, especially when she said, ask Allah for what we want. Probably most wives just go to their husbands, asking, requesting and expecting things from them. Some probably don’t consider Allah in the equation at all. How many wives actually offer salat (prayer) five times a day, fast during the holy Month of Ramadan, eat halal/Zabihah permissible foods, give in charity etc? If they don’t do any of those things that Allah commands us to, they don’t remember Allah. They may not consider or know Allah provides; all things are from Him, and we only get what He has allotted for us. When we remember that Allah is in control we don’t get depressed, sad and stressed the way others who don’t remember Allah does. We may feel that way for a while, but quickly we bring Allah to remembrance and then all is alright. When we remember Allah we see clearly.

    Ummof4,

    Nice Post! I like how your husband responded to the wife who came on board talking about wanting all that you have. He put her in her place, good fashion 🙂

    You made another good point about how wives who married first sometimes get to the point where they no longer want to contribute to the household as much as they had before. I’m sure it happens, if the husband feels he is well off enough financially to take on another wife. The first wife most likely would need some leverage to get her husband to pay it all at that time.

    So the wife who marries and initially asks nothing of her husband, but wants help later, has much in common with the wife who stops contributing once he marries again. Someone else mentioned it about the wives who married first. I just don’t have time to go look for it. I can’t recall if it was Serena or Mara S.

    Thank you, Ummof4, for sharing how you manage the finances.

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing how you and your sister-in-laws work to have your own and how you manage your finances as well.

    When it comes to your co, I see her as being just a very young girl who has been sheltered, and others have taken control of her life as in not letting her know that she was going to be a part of a polygamous marriage until after she was married. She has no formal education. There’s nothing really wrong with her not wanting to work. I think she’s probably naive and just unhappy with sharing a husband, not unlike most wives who find themselves in a polygamous marriage. It takes a lot of time and turning to Allah to get to a good place in a polygamous marriage All young women want stuff. She’s no different. Probably she knows nothing about Islam. Probably she only knows what her culture dictates.

    Saira,

    I hope you don’t take offense to us discussing the topic of “pocket change”. I’m glad you brought it up because it opened the door for good, helpful and useful conversation for us to have. No one is attacking you, so please don’t feel that way. {{{hugs}}}

  • Mari2

    October 16, 2017

    I have been blessed that Allah provides me with the ability to work and be financially independent. However, both M and I have financial ups and downs from time to time. He knows that I will help him when I can, and I know he can help and has helped me out when I’ve faced a cash crunch here and there. And I am always sure to pay him back though there have been occasions when he refused my attempt to do so.

    I do take relief in not being solely reliant on M for everything. Sure there are days I wish to lay a bed and eat bon bons while someone else takes care of all of my needs. But that isn’t really so realistic. I am not rich or rolling in the money, but if something terrible happened to M, or if he took off into the wind, I can continue to support myself. Co would be left in the wind financially because she has to rely on M for every shred of what supports her.

    As far as Pakistani women, I have found my MIL to be a hard worker. She works 5 days a week at Ms store and he pays her a small salary. My SIL with 3 kids found a weekend job to earn pocket money, and my other SIL newly arrived from Pakistan got a full time job as soon as her green card arrived. She currently works 6 days a week to save up money for her wedding. All 3 of them put forth money toward food. They use their pocket money for things they want, or gifts for family back home. And they also cook, clean, do laundry and watch the 3 kids of SIL. Typical working women.

    And co? Nope. Doesn’t want to work. Complains about having to do anything around the house. She accuses M of spending money on me and not her. She has all of her financial needs met, but will relentlessly message me with accusations about how M isn’t doing justice to her. She spends her time in her room. So I have seen first hand those who are willing to work because they have the motivation to do so, and those who refuse to because they have an expectation to have all their needs met. And yes, her needs are met. But she gets upset because she sees MIL and SIL with pocket money, but she has none.

  • ummof4

    October 16, 2017

    P.S. I now use my Social Security check for vacations and extras.

  • ummof4

    October 16, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    As others have already stated, men are the protectors and maintainers of women in their family. The maintenance includes food, clothing and shelter (many also say medical care). Husbands have to provide for their wives as they provide for themselves within their means.

    Often when women marry they are okay with the husband’s level or maintenance at first because they just want a husband. The after a while they want the husbands to provide more than they agreed to at first. This happens in monogamous and polygynous marriages. Women who are financially independent when they marry usually agree to providing a large portion of their maintenance, until they get tired of paying the bills.

    My advice is still to marry a man who can pay ALL the basic household bills, because men are advised not to get married until they can afford to. If the wife has her own income she can decide what to do with it (vacations, meals in restaurants, more expensive clothes and shoes, chocolate candy, the movies, etc.). If a husband never had to pay the household bills, he will be used to it, and it is usually difficult or next to impossible to get him to change. We are to honor our contracts as Muslims and marriage is a contract.

    When I first married my husband 42 years ago, I was financially independent and made more money than he made. He paid the major household bills. I paid for extras, vacations and miscellaneous items. Once we had two children I (not he) decided not to work for money any more and volunteered at a school where I could take my children. We had a lot less money, but I had peace of mind and was never too materialistic anyway. Believe me, there were some hard times through the years, but we always had food, clothing, shelter and medical care.

    When my husband decided to marry another wife, he never took 1 penny from any money that he was using in our household. I never knew about their finances and never wanted to. However, I do know that he told his other wife in the beginning what he could provide before he married her. She was financially independent before marriage and continued to work (she also had a son before marrying my husband). They divorced after 14 years of marriage for reasons that I never asked.

    Some years later my husband married another wife. She was a lot younger than us. Before they married she told him that she wanted everything that I had – a house, a car, and an allowance. So my husband told her OK. “You can get a house in 28 years because that’s how long it took us to buy a house without interest. You can have a car that you buy because my wife bought her own. You can have an allowance that is equal to hers, because I was going to give you a greater allowance than I give her.” At that point she changed her tune and agreed to the food, clothing, shelter, and allowance they had already agreed upon.

    My dear sisters, Allah is Ar-Razzaq, The Provider. Let’s remember that when we begin to complain and compare.

  • Tasliyman

    October 16, 2017

    I dont think there’s anything wrong with wanting better for ourselves and our children. The important thing is to be remain grateful for the blessings we already have while working towards your goals and dreams.

    Do what you must do to achieve your goal but leave the outcome up to Allah. Dont get all depressed and stressed when we dont get what we want when we want it. At the end of the day Allah is the best of Planners.

    Also remember that Allah is the best of Providers. I would say rather ask Allah what you want. Allah might provide it through our husbands or some other means. Allah knows best…..

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    We need to be mindful that there is no “happily-ever-after on this planet. We’re created into toil and struggle. All we need to do is listen to and watch the news about all that is happening on this planet. There are fires burning out of control in California. Total Islands have recently been destroyed by hurricanes. Puerto Rico is still without power and water. There are displaced Muslims refugees wandering about and in camps -homeless. People are losing their lives in tornado, earthquakes and mudslides. Not to mention there are murders, rapes, human trafficking and those usual type of things.

    Yet, there are women who complain about not having pocket change although they have food, clothing and shelter, plus a husband. Allah says verily His servants are ungrateful. It includes all of us. We always want more. It’s something we’ve got to ask Allah to change in us- to help us with. Ask Him to make us patient, constant, grateful and appreciative.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    Sakina & Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Thank you both for opening up and sharing your experiences and thoughts with all of us. I appreciate it much! It’s helpful 🙂

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I agree with you that finances is a sensitive topic, and it doesn’t matter whether the marriage is polygamous or monogamous. There is much in common regarding both forms of marriage. Finances play a significant part in both.

    I think you summed it up nicely that it all boils down to what Allah has determined for each of us. We’re all different, as are our circumstances and conditions. He says he tests us with one another. He says He give want and plenty. He decides all thing, including who gets what, when and how. This life is a probationary period. It’s about who is best in conduct.

    There is no simply answer with regard to finances and polygamy. Allah says that men are the maintainers and protectors of women. We know that Allah has given some women more than men financially and materially. Furthermore, we know that Allah stresses the importance of being charitable. So women may help their husbands.

    The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) first wife was wealthy, and he was poor. He worked for her. That alone tells us a lot, as well.

    Allah created some of us for the Fire and some for Paradise/Jannah. Some men are going to be jacked up husbands, oppressors and unjust. We’re going to do that which will land us where we’re destined to go whether it be the Hellfire or Jannah/Paradise. Only Allah knows where we’re going to be ultimately.

    The Quran is our criterion for us to judge with. It is a guide, mercy and warning. If we put our faith and trust in Allah, obey Him and believe that He knows what is best for us, we’ll come out winners in this world and the Hereafter. Allah has infinite wisdom in all that He does.

  • Tasliyman

    October 16, 2017

    Aslm ladies

    Finances is almost always a sensitive topic. Whether it be in a monogamous or polygamous situation. I always use the following reminder to keep myself focused: What Allah has intended for me will never pass me and whatever Allah has not intended for me will never reach me. The same goes for my husband’s other family. Whatever Allah has intended for them will never pass them and whatever Allah has not intended for them for never reach them.

    We are an example of how financial situations can change after marriage. At the time of getting married I was employed with a stable income. After a few years of being married, my husband and I started our company together which means we have a joint income. Although I still contribute to the income (not actually taking away from the first wife as many believe the second wife usually do) it does bring with it its own challenges. What would be equal in terms of finances for the wives? The one works the other one doesn’t. It’s also not possible for me to not know what he spends on his other household as company finances is my department.

    I went through a time where I used to be bothered by this a lot. Fortunately, I have been able to let go of this issues by reminding myself that we only get what Allah has intended for us.

    Having said this, I am also aware of the fact that I am lucky (blessed actually) to have a husband that is generally a good person. He takes care of both his families and certainly does not neglect the one in order to “spoil” the other. This makes it easier to deal with situations.

  • Faith

    October 16, 2017

    Salam ,
    I think most men are not truthful about their finances to the new wives, and most incoming wives don’t really bother to find out they just want to get married. Wen dating the man everything seems rosy, once they are married and the honeymoon phase is over, they get to see the true picture of things.
    I have been married to my husband for almost twelve years and sincerely it has not been easy, we live in a third world country where more than half of the population earn less than 2 dollars a day. My husband never supported me working he just wanted me to dedicate my time to the children, I worked for sometime but I had to quit . So whatever he gives me I try to manage it. Infact, I av had my inlaws ridicule me cos I don’t ” dress to kill”.
    Then he tells me he has a new wife, and I wonder how it’s going to be. He doesn’t have a stable job, and I just started my business since my kids are older. He told me she has her own money, she doesn’t want anything from him, just a man, she can take care of herself, it will not affect me and a whole lot of lies they told each other.
    Now it’s a different Story entirely,he complains about money too much now, he tells me to try and cut my expenses now, I have four kids with 2 of his family members living with me, it was barely enough now he is telling me to reduce it. He’s struggling to pay the kids school fees too. I started my business 3 months ago so am also not financially buoyant. He is stressed, and tries to make me feel guilty for asking for what is duely my right.
    I am being patient with him cos I know it’s Allah’s plan but I am also human, there are times I am really pissed with them. I also wonder if the aim of polygamy is to provide for a new wife and send the other into the streets begging or prostituting. The annoying thing is that you are expected not to complain, if u complain, u are termed to be ungrateful, jealous or greedy.

  • Sakina

    October 16, 2017

    Salam Alaikum all and nice grettings to you! I think thats dependent frow the whole situation. Islamic its clear, u house, foods and clothes ur family. And the husband spend lots money for clothes, so he should clothes his wife in the same manner. I personally think its nice to have little pocket money, for buy little things, so that u not always has to call ur husband, when something is broken. Or want drink a coffe with ur friend or eat ice with ur kids…something like that. Another thing are gifts. I laugh always with my hubby because i cannot realy make gifts without him knowing. I have monthly money and its enough for food and little things to buy. I prefer it so more than he pays the food. So i can buy what i prefer. But i think its good if u have some savings for an emergency in ur house. Especially in polygamy when hubby is not allways around. What if u cant even pay a taxi. I ve seen some men are not trustworthy, and so in some cases savings could help, if u need help. Money is Might and some Men use the money to opress the wives. And if u have no waly or another protector outside the marriage, its difficult to find a way out without savings. U cant even pay a counselour or lawyer or the way to them…So it has two sides.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    Wives go through alot, and husbands go through alot too. Both need to be considerate of each other. If one loves more than self one would be. It takes being conscious of Allah so as to be considerate of someone else. If one is not grateful to Allah, she certainly can’t be grateful to anyone else, including a husband.

  • anabellah

    October 16, 2017

    Lol You said, “While you stay your pretty behind at home”. Marah S, the way you worded that is too funny. I got a good laugh…

  • Marah S

    October 16, 2017

    I see it as just being downright ungrateful. The husband is already paying for everything the wives and children need, how do they still find it okay to complain about not getting pocket money or saving money, how ungrateful can one be. If the husband offers it of his own kindness than great may Allah reward him, but to ask for it and put pressure on him for such ridiculous things is beyond me. Some women are seriously greedy. If you’re being housed, clothed, fed, and all your necessities along with your children’s needs are being handed to you while you stay your pretty behind at home what more is there to want for.

    I saved the money from my mahr in case there is a need for it one day, and Whatever luxury items I want I pay for myself and I love being able to do that. I hate being a burden on my husband, especially for such unnecessary things. I was raised independent and value being able to do things for myself.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I hear you. Not to mention that most of the women have kids too that, it goes without saying, need to be taken care of.

    I don’t think it’s uncommon for those women who don’t work (besides housework and raising kids) to sit around wanting more and more and more. I agree that it could be considered a bit greedy.

    I suppose I don’t understand it much because I’ve always been one to want my own and had my own. It has just been in the recent years that I let my husband take care of everything in the household. I contribute in buying stuff like toiletries, groceries, and odds and ends for the house. I buy my own clothes and all the luxuries that I want. I’ll spring for some vacations (which there aren’t any places I’m looking to go right now with all the craziness happening everywhere on the planet).

    Perhaps, it’s because of how I was raised. I always saw my mom work to have her own. I’ve always wanted my own money and stuff. Alhumdulliah, Allah has allowed it to be that way.

    I don’t like the thought of my husband having to struggle. I find it difficult to accept extra from him. He is quite generous.

    I don’t mean to demean the women who don’t contribute financially and their husbands pay all. I just don’t get how they don’t consider their husbands and the strain, stress and pressure that they are under trying to make ends meet and to maintain and protect women and children. I can’t stand to see my husband under any stress, strain and pressure, as I begin to feel it too. It saddens me, if he’s sad or is going through something.

    As you stated, if it is within the husband’s means, probably he is conscious about saving something for unexpected emergencies. We should put our faith and trust in Allah, but let’s not forget that He tells us, as well, to not spend to our upmost reach so that we’re left impoverished.

  • Serena

    October 15, 2017

    Also I don’t think the wife should ask for it. If the husband gives it willingly then fine.

  • Serena

    October 15, 2017

    Asalaam alaikum

    Ana I agree with what you are saying. Yes if a man is providing for her needs why ask for pocket money or money that she can save. He is feeding you, housing you and clothing you yet still want money to save? Wouldn’t he be doing that for his family anyway if he is able to?

    I know I will get a bashing but it’s got to be said. A lot of these Pakistani woman born in Pakistan want “pocket money” or money just for themselves to do whatever they want with it. That is on top of all the husband is spending on her already.

    To be honest with you I think it’s just greed. You know how they love their money. I think if they want that extra money then get off their backsides and go and earn it.

    Apologies as I do not intend to offend anyone.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    LOL, I’ve been thinking about you and this subject. I Know you feel strongly about it. I’m glad you’ll chime in when you’re able to, Insha Allah. Thank you!

  • ummof4

    October 15, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Ana, you’re about to get me started again. I’ll chime in later,
    In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    About a woman wanting her husband to give her enough money for her to save, is it his responsibility to do that?

    He should pay to house her, to feed her and to clothe her, but should a wife expect him to go beyond and above that?

    It could be seen as her wanting money to save, so that she could leave him, if it comes to that. Perhaps if he gives each wife monies to do whatever they want with it (what Allah decrees, of course), she could save it. If she has her own monies, of course, she could save it. But to expect him to give her money so that she could save it, is that asking a bit much or is it within the realm of what she should get?

    What do you all think about it?

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Saira,

    Your post got me thinking. What probably happens is that the husband bases his decision to become polygamous on what is happening monetarily at the time. For instance, he may say the wife whom he married first seems content and the woman he intends to marry isn’t asking for much, so he thinks he could handle it. He never expected that his wife who seemed content would begin to demand more and the wife who didn’t ask for much would want more. So all his wives have their hands out and he’s left with figuring out how he could make it happen. He’s not happy, nor are any of his wives.

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Saira,

    You said your husband’s other wife tries to copy you. She wants whatever you’ve got. LOL It amazes me when women do that. I don’t understand it. It’s crazy to me. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif What’s up with that?

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Sis Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yeah, I really like that Carissa pointed out how circumstances can change when it comes to a husband being able to support his family. Who knows what Allah has destined for any of us. It includes a husband. Just because he can take care of two families today or even just one, doesn’t mean he’ll be able to do it tomorrow. Maybe it’s a test when things get tight and means becomes restricted. It’s why it’s so beautiful when all the wives and the husband are on the same page and have each other backs. Based on what we’ve seen, most spouses in polygamous marriages aren’t playing from the same sheet of music. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • Saira

    October 15, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum all
    Very good post and reply sisters and
    I agree once you married first or what ever number your circumstances change and both have to rely on each other
    In start of my marriage my husband spend very little on me
    He use to give little cash in my hand and always try to find way where I spend they money
    He never refuse to pay rent and bill etc and basicn needs are more then that
    I made clear to him many time nicely that I want to have some fixed pocket money to save up for my self but this always brings arguments and he later says am greedy and after his money
    But I didn’t took his staftemnt sofetly and made clear to him he should leave me or start believing me as wife and let me have some of my savings
    Slowly slowly he is started to give me some and. Allows me to save up
    In the other hand co been so messed up she been over spending and never care if he have other wife too
    He would come over share with me how she spend and waste money and I been togater with so for a lot time and I seen it but I wouldn’t say a word to her
    As it’s not my job
    She always out of money what ever she seems she try to copy me and buy in other hand I don’t buy so much and always buy what is nessery
    But as a result co money been cut short not as short as I been getting money but short to make her think it’s me the problem and when ever we see each into I get blame

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2017

    I mean I’m sure there are some women who say, for instance, she’ll pay her own rent and bills. Later, however, although she could still do it, she says she no longer wants to do it. She should expect him to say – well, too bad and not pay it or either of them could divorce.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2017

    Carissa,

    First, thank you much for commenting. About the article, You made a very good point about situations that may occur in the future. For example a wife, the wife who said she’d take care of herself without his help then loses her job, or she becomes pregnant or experiences health issues that prevent her from working or the medical expenses consumes her savings etc. The husband and the wives should take into account that a wife most likely will become pregnant and may have several children. They both should expect unforeseen circumstances will occur. The husband and wife should expect that the he will step up and take care of business as best he can, as they are his wives. It’s still marriage and he should maintain and protect his family. The husband took on that responsibility.

    I think it becomes an issue when the wife who agreed to the contract only makes further demands on her husband out of envy and jealousy about the other wife and children. It has been known to happen. It also works the other way in which the wife who marries first was content with all that she had, but as soon as he takes on another wife, the first begins to find umpteen thousand things she needs and wants that she wants the husband to pay for. It’s when the wives compete with each other to see which one could get the most from him or wants to make sure she gets hers (her due) is when the problem begins. She doesn’t want the other to have more than what she’s got.

    It’s best when the wives are all believers working together as a family. A wife who is a Believer will find ease and contentment in the marriage regardless of what the husband and the other wife/wives are when they give all their attention to Allah.

  • Carissa

    October 13, 2017

    Ok, I can see where a woman would want to “help” support the man so he does not have to support her. But you are shooting yourself in the foot with that one. As honestly you have no idea what tomorrow brings. What if you loose your job? What if you get pregnant and have to be on bed rest? What if you develop health issues and become unable to work. The problem some women face, and trust me, i am talking about me as well. Is we get to know these men too much before they become responsible for us in any manor. So we agree to anything just to be with them. A second wife? Ok! Support myself? Of course baby! I love you for you and not your money! Believe me if they can not afford you now, they can never afford you. And honestly I belief the less they have to pay, it is almost like they dont appreciate you as much. I know i heard a story once, and i have necer been able to find it again…There was a woman, there was not a lot of offers for marriage, and she was not really looked upon as beutiful. A man came along, who was a man with money. He took a liking to her and went to talk to her family and offered them a huge majhr. It was somthing about camels. Like he offered 10 camels….when the family would have been happy to accept 1. They accepted. The community looked at her differently. She started acting differently. Her true beuty shined through. She walked taller. Her face brighter. A man who knew the girl before she married, ask the husband why he paid such a huge majhr, when the family was known to have accepted less. And he replied, if you want a 10 camel wife, you must offer 10 camels. I swear i did not make that up, but i have never seen it again!

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2017

    MS, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sister,

    Please note: I moved your post over to the new theme/article that I just wrote in response to your question. The link is: Finances and Polygamy Perhaps we could begin a discussion about it over there, if anyone is interested in joining it or they could keep talking on the October 2017 thread about whatever concerns them, Insha Allah.

  • MS

    October 13, 2017

    Assalam o alaikum sisters,

    I’m not currently seeking marriage, but was wondering if/when I do how much emphasis should I put on the man’s financial ability?

    I’m not sure how to respond if they say they can’t financially support me. Should I just let it slide and trust that Allah will provide, or refuse a proposal on that basis? Especially if he is already married…

    I would really appreciate your advice.

    Jazakhallah khair.