Forgive Polygamous Husbands

forgive polygamous husbands

Why do wives forgive polygamous husbands but not the co-wives? Most wives in polygamous marriages find it very easy to forgive their husbands. They’ll forgive their husbands for the wrong, hurt or pain that they believe their husbands caused them by taking on other wives. They don’t want to forgive the co-wives. I call it selective forgiveness in polygamy.

Some people ask why a wife who married first hates the wife who arrived after her, but does not hate the husband. After all, despite how it came about, both the husband and the latter wife are responsible for having married. Nonetheless, the earlier wife always seems to paint the latter wife as the “bad” person. She blames the other for disrupting her marriage and speaks badly of her.

Wives forgive polygamous husbands based on of a bond that they have with their husbands. A husband and a wife have a bond that is like none other. Intimacy creates a bond that binds. They were probably married for a good amount of time, as well. It binds them even more. The wife who comes later doesn’t have that.

A husband and a wife spend a lot of time together. They sleep together and have sexual relations together. Let’s not forget that they probably have children together, as well. The wives don’t share those things with each other.

Wives forgive polygamous husbands probably because of the intense sexual bond that they share

When the husband enters her body and they become one, it is a strong sexual connection. Sexual intercourse is powerful. It seals a marriage. It’s a sexual intimacy that she does not have with the other woman. At least, I hope she doesn’t.

With it said, it’s understandable how she could still love her husband and hate the husband’s latter wife. She has nothing in common with his other wife. They are merely married to the same man. Other than it, the latter wife is nothing to the other wife. She thinks the woman her husband married invaded her territory. Wives forgive polygamous husbands, but not the women whom they view as intruders.

It is easier to forgive a person whom we love than it is to forgive anyone else. Especially, it is easier to forgive a spouse. It is difficult for a wife to forgive someone whom she views as a rival or competitor.

Based on the above, we can see how a wife who married earlier may resent her husband’s latter wife. There is no love between the two. It will take a lot for the wives to get to like each other let alone love each other. Allah would have to make it happen. He can say be and then it simply is. He could make those who are enemies today, friends tomorrow.

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9 Comments

  • selma

    March 14, 2015

    Hey ladies salam to all how are you ana I’m doing well Al hamdallah I’m still reading along great information all the time thanks to Allah that I found this blog.hey carissa welcome to the blog I’ve never heard of a lady like you.you sound so selfless that’s very rare I would definitely accept you as a part of my family I think the lady made a big mistake you asked her permission but another lady won’t.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Carissa,

    Carissa, in your case, it didn’t work out. It was Allah’s decision, as you stated. Going forward I’d suggest you be mindful that a woman who wants to marry a married man needs NOT base her decision on whether the existing wife will accept it or not. Most Muslim women don’t accept polygamy. I think if a woman wants to marry a married man and he wants to marry her and she understands what polygamy is all about, she should go for it. If she has good intentions, she should go for it. We mustn’t create innovations. No where is it indicated that an existing wife must approve of the husband becoming polygamous before the potential wife could accept the proposal. We mustn’t make our own rules.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Carissa, welcome!

    I thank you much for joining us and commenting. Based on what you’ve said, I believe you would make an awesome co-wife. You sound to have a good heart, and are a rare person.

    I’m a firm believer that a woman who joins and existing family and will have a polygamous marriage, should be ready to accept the husband’s other wife and family. They don’t have to be friends. They don’t even have to communicate. She should accept that, yes, he is already married and she is replacing no one. It’s not only about just her and him, and she pretend the other part of his family doesn’t exist. I think there are many women who join existing families and don’t get the concept of polygamy. They think only of themselves, what they want and can get. The only way there can be unity and a meeting of the minds is if all the parties involved in the polygamous marriage are on the same page Islamically. They must all be believers for it to truly work as it should.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was hoping you hadn’t left the nest for good. It is so good to have you back with us. I’m happy to hear; although you haven’t commented in a while, you were still here reading along 🙂 You are one to bring a different perspective many times. You are very helpful.

    Lynnette, women do tend to forget that it takes two to tango. Many women put the blame on the other women for the husband having become polygamous. They overlook the important fact that you mentioned. The husbands pursued the other women. They courted them, proposed to them, and married them. A woman shouldn’t have to forgive her husband for doing what comes naturally (pursuing, proposing and marrying). We do need to recognize the part the husbands played in it all and he played a huge part.

    Forgiving a husband in a polygamous marriage to me means the couple get on with their lives. She loves her husband and has no animosity for him having married another. If the wife still harbors resentment, anger and bitterness towards her husband; although she may think she’s forgiven him, she has not.

    I think I used an inaccurate word for the post. “She hates him, but not her” would be a more accurate title. A wife has nothing to forgive her husband for, as he simply carried out what Allah permits men to do – become polygamous. If she was hurt, it more times than not was due to what was in her heart. She had/has a diseased heart. There is no need to forgive a wife who married a married man either. The woman has a right to marry a man who proposes to her, if the man is not one of the enumerated people whom Allah says she can’t marry.

    Lynnette, you’ve got me thinking now. “Forgive” isn’t an accurate word for the post.

  • Carissa

    March 8, 2015

    Very true, I can see how this would work. I did not go through with the Marriage because I was not going to hurt her. If she had accepted it, I would have married happily, I would have been a good help meet for bother her husband and her family. I guess she was unable to accept. So it was not meant to be. But I feel if a second, third, fourth wife has no consideration for the earlier wives they have no business in polygamy. His wife would have been very lucky to have me as a co, as I would have did the very best I could to make sure he was fair.

  • fajr lover

    March 7, 2015

    A very interesting and healthy perspective . each case has its own merits. Some people are just down right selfish to give a jot about the first wives feelings. That tough luck get on with it I’m married to him as well now I find heartless and cruel and not the character of a good Muslim. Sisters should be kind to each other and tread carefully and make an effort to stamp out eminity and promote peace towards one another is better than being hard hearted and just trumping about that its my right his right everyone’s right etc …. You can still have a heart to the person and being tactful. Sincere kind and honest is sure better than the opposite….. It’s no wonder some wives hate the other when they display evilness towards her so called co wife.

  • Lynnette

    March 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum, everyone….

    I’ve been away for a while, but I do read the posts

    Women just have different expectations and standards for one another than the standards that we have for men.

    We accept hurt more easily from men, whereas, wih the woman, it’s likely to turn into “she knew he was married when she got started with him.”

    How quickly we forget…it takes two.

    And in the case of a marriage, it also requires a courtship and a proposal; one that most likely, the man made.

    Forgiving the husband is arguably forgiveness that the first wife gives for her own sake. It enables her to maintain some semblance of normalcy in her home and in her life. This normalcy is a benefit to her, and by proxy, to her husband and to her children.

    “Forgiveness” of the second wife (which, barring adultery, should be a total non-issue) is more likely to be a forgiveness for the sake of Allah (swt). It is one that has very little in the way of personal benefit to the wife, and that forgiveness virtually assured that the “disruption” will continue. In fact, that “forgiveness” will come packaged with “acceptance” and perhaps, wih “unconditional love.”

    A different matter, entirely.

    May Allah (swt) bless and keep us all, Inshallah, and guide us all to the Straight Path, Ameen.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @Marie, WOW!

    I didn’t look at all of that. I didn’t think of it. You went deeper with it, and viewed it from a entirely different perspective. I agree with your assessment. When we look deeply into a matter, we get a better understanding. We learn. Our eyes open and we grow. It’s a beautiful thing…

  • Marie

    March 7, 2015

    Great post Ana, it’s something I’m dealing with myself. I would add that when the earlier wife is upset the husband is there to comfort her, she can get answers and Apologies from her husband she feels that her husband loves her and doesn’t want to hurt her. She get none of that from the co wife. the earlier wife doesn’t know if the new wife wanted to hurt her, cares that she’s upset or has any live in her heart for her. She may never get the answers. I don’t think the new wife is responsible for how the earlier wife feels or give an explanation. After all she doesn’t see the earlier wife’s upset, the husband does but he can never give her the answers she may want from the new wife. She ( the one who married first) needs to accept that she’s not owed anything from the new wife, she (the new wife( doesn’t need to reassure her. She must accept Allah’s will and move on.