Her Co wife is Pregnant in Polygamy

Her co wife is pregnant in polygamyWe hear it often in a polygamous marriage. A wife becomes upset when her co wife is pregnant in polygamy. Sometimes the one wife wants children, but her husband does not. He may have kids with the other wife, but doesn’t want any with her. It could be that he tells the wives that he wants no more children, and it upsets the wives.

The wives feel the husband deprived them of their god given right to give birth. As a result, the wives become sad, depressed, and angry. They say the husband has no right to tell them not to have anymore children, nor to limit how many they have. Some think they should have as many as they’d like. After all, it’s what marriage is about. Isn’t it?

What should she do when she finds out her co wife is pregnant in polygamy?

I think the wife should ask herself why she feels as she does when she learns her co-wife is pregnant in polygamy. Why does she react negatively? Is it because the pregnancy is a sure sign that her husband was sexually intimate with the co-wife? Of course, the wife should have been aware that he would be intimate with the other wife. But, to have evidence of it is a different story.

Does the one wife with the most children think she is the better of them? To take it a step further, does it amount to what I call, “the Baby War”? It’s when a wife competes with the other(s) to see who could have the most children. They may try to see who would have the most male heirs, as well.

What will help a woman feel better when she learns that her co wife is pregnant in polygamy?

Many women have said that they feel hurt, and are upset at the thought of their co-wife becoming pregnant. It’s often the wife who married the husband first who speaks of it. It’s because she usually already has children by the husband. The thought of him having some by another wife is hurtful to her.

I can tell a Muslim woman without a doubt that if she doesn’t remember Allah, she will suffer when she finds out that her co-wife is pregnant in polygamy. Whether she blames how she feels on Satan and his whispers or on her co-wife or on her husband, she will be in pain and in distress. It will last with no end in sight, if she doesn’t understand life. She will be in trouble, if she doesn’t know that Allah controls whether a woman becomes pregnant.

When her co wife is pregnant in polygamy, she must have the proper belief

A wife must believe that Allah decides who has a baby or not. He decides when, as well. If she knows it, she will not blame anyone for what Allah has decreed. She must accept that the co wife is pregnant only because Allah willed it. It’s the only way she will not have ill feelings towards her husband or her co-wife. We all need to know what Allah says in the Holy Quran. What does he say about pregnancy?

Allah says, “To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan),” Quran: Surah 42, Ayah 49

“Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of Knowledge and Power.” Quran: Surah 42, Ayah 50

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140 Comments

  • Gail

    April 7, 2016

    Ana,

      Yes it is booming this year already .I normally do not work so much but this year my inlaws had a crisis with my father inlaw dad over their family estate which turned into a huge family nightmare.So long story short I stepped up and told them I would help them build another house this season not to mention I am building an add on to my own home to make it from a 3 bedrom to a 5 bedroom with an added dining room so busy busy busy… lol

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2016

    Gail,

    I like the advise that you gave jasmina. Most of our problems stem from us focusing so much on ourselves and what we want and how we want it. We make ourselves unhappy. The amazing thing is that people don’t look at what is going on all around them. No one is living a perfect blissful life on this planet, so why would someone think that they are the exception and everything will be perfect and blissful for him or herself?  People are given things in turn. Someone may seem to be on the top all the time while others are not and then one day the tables turn and it’s the other way around. Everyone who is discontented, it is a result of themselves. Everyone is so quick to blame others for their condition and circumstances.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • anabellah

    April 7, 2016

    Gail,

    I know you must be extremely busy with the ice cream business, especially when you’re coming upon the season in which it’s getting ready to BOOM. I figured you were busy, which is why you haven’t been as vocal as usual. I totally get it. I haven’t had time to write posts/threads. Time keeps zooming by and it seems I haven’t gotten nearly what I intended done.

    I was just able to get the blog technical issues resolved; although I’m still working on getting a tech to put the comment box back up at the top. So, I, of all people, get where you’re coming from and where you’re going https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

    It’s always good news when I hear that you were given a good bill of health. I’m so happy for you. I’m hopeful that Allah will continue to keep you healthy and strong. God is Great!

    Anyhow, I’m happy to hear from you whenever you can get hear. Don’t stress yourself out with trying to keep up with reading here. Don’t place that additional burden on yourself. Get here when you can.

    I’m hopeful you’ll have a super good ice cream season. It makes me want to go gets some ice cream by us just talking about it.

  • Gail

    April 7, 2016

    Ana and Ladies,

    I have been so busy with my Ice cream Business that I just don’t have much time to get to the blog.I am working ALOTTT this year.I am doing really great health wise right now.It seems I am Cancer free and don’t have to go back to be checked until next year.My nose is feeling in nicely now and behind my ear the cancer is still gone so hopefully I beat Skin cancer for good.I went for my yearly pap smear and am healthy there as well.I haven’t got my mammogram results back just yet but I am hoping for the best there.Since I have started Celexa for anxiety I feel like a new Women celexa has truly been a miracle for me.I am trying to read and keep up with post but boy it is hard right now to be honest.I just wanted to let u know I am thinking of u ladies and hope all is going well for everyone.

    Jasmina I read your post and I really think u are overthinking everything.U are running on emotions right now because your cowife is pregnant.Your not really wanting to leave your husband u just want things to get better but honey as long as u r focusing on the negative and u have to stop that.U have to see your husband as a separate person than u understand?Your seeing everything right now out of pissed off eyes which is mentally torturing u.
    I really think like the other lady not sure who told u but u have to focus on u and stop focusing on him.Make your own life and enjoy it with your son and enjoy the time u get with our husband stress free.Look your husband gets to decide his life not yours understand? if he don’t want more kids than fine and dandy if u want more kids also fine and dandy as well.What I am trying to say is let your cowife get through this pregnancy and in the meantime u figure out if he says he is 100% not having more kids with u if that is going to be a deal breaker for u and if so then u have your answer to move on but now is just not the time when his other wife is pregnant and him and her are under stress from this pregnancy.
    Also u have to understand there is a really high chance that your cowife forbid him to have more kids with you so obviously that is huge tension as well when a spouse tries to control the marriages.
    Just hang in there give it some time and relax and enjoy your life.

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2016

    Jasmina,

    It is “so freeing”. All that Tasliyman said is what we need to do to see major changes in our entire lives, not just a marriage. It’s a beautiful feeling. Allah says that when we turn all our attention to Him, he disposes of our affairs towards comfort and ease. It’s so very true. I’m a living example of it. I’m where Tasliyman is about it.

    I liked that Tasliyman touched on what it means to remember Allah. Our every thought should be about Allah while doing everything that we do. We have to thank Him for all things, even the most simple things, for instance, thank Him for giving us all our faculties, for all our senses, for allowing us to offer the salat and read the Quran (we can’t even do that, if He doesn’t allow us to), for the rain that comes down from the sky, for every single thing. It’s constant remembrance of Allah.

  • Jasmina

    April 6, 2016

    Tasliyman

    thank you so much for sharing your experience.  Very nice.  It really does help. Jazakallah khair

    I shall make the effort.  You know what eac time I consciously decide to move my focus away from my husband, that alone feels so freeing. 

     

  • Tasliyman

    April 6, 2016

    Wslm Ana

    Thank you :-)  I’m usually a very private person but that came straight from the heart :-)  

  • anabellah

    April 6, 2016

    Tasliyman, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    EXCELLENT post! Well done. Well said. Beautiful!

  • Tasliyman

    April 6, 2016

    @ Jasmina

    Aslm. I can relate how you feel, I’ve been there myself.  For a while I was focused on everything that my husband was not doing that I wanted him to do.  It became a continuous cycle of disappointment.  Telling him what I wanted was not making any difference (took me a very long time to get that).

    Eventually I got to the point where I asked myself what my purpose in this world is and I got back to the answer – to be the best servant to Allah that I can be.  I started making a conscious effort every day to remember this, every hour, every minute.   Sounds silly but that is how I started.

    I implemented little things in my life everyday to remember Allah and my purpose in life.  My husband actually lost his place of importance in my life for a while.  There was a time that I thought I might be going to the opposite extreme of what I used to be as he rarely featured in my list of priorities.  I even started looking forward to the times that he is not home so I had more time to do the new things that I loved doing so much.  But somehow along the way things levelled out Alhamdulillah.

    Keeping in mind the fact that my husband is also just a servant of Allah, placed on this earth to obey Allah – not my every need also helped me to take my focus away from him.

    When I say “remember Allah” I mean that I reminded myself that every single little thing I do should be linked to gaining the pleasure of Allah.  My focus shifted from my husband to Allah.

    I started doing more Islamic activities purely for the purpose of getting closer to Allah.  With this major changes was experienced in all aspects of my life not just my marriage.

    My husband and I are getting along so much better, and I am overall a happier and more content person even though some of the same things that used to upset me so much in the past still occurs.  The difference is that my expectations and focus has changed.  What used to be important no longer is.

    My advice to you really is to let go of the big picture and to let go of your big problems.  I’m guessing that at the moment the state of your marriage is like a huge problem that is occupying your mind 24/7.   Place your trust in Allah and basically give your problem over to Allah to handle.  If you do this you no longer have to worry about what is going to happen – Allah knows best and who better to handle problems than Allah?? Nobody…. 

    The only thing you should focus on is your relationship with Allah – not your husband.  Sounds easy but you will find many times that your mind wonders back to your husband, his other wife, your disappointments, how he’s not being fair to you etc.  The trick is to start identifying when this happen and then force yourself to let go of the worry and direct your focus back to Allah and doing deeds that please Allah – only for the sake of Allah. 

    In-sha Allah Jasmina, I hope this advice helps a little.  Remember to take things one day at a time and to do small things consistently.

     

     

     

     

  • Jasmina

    April 6, 2016

    As I said previously he said it was because he is worried I will leave him after I fall pregnant, but in fact I am less likely to leave him with more Children.  Last time he said it was because of financial reasons, he Changed his mind now. I doubt it all, I think it has to do with the other wife.  

    I have always wanted many children, him and I have planned having 4+ kids ever since I met him, in fact after we got remarried we were still planning and we mutually decided to wait for a year so him and I could get to spend time just the three of us and settling in without the woes of pregnancy… But after a year he said no. 

    I’m not young anymore and I certainly do not want to have little ones after I’m 40, if like to stop having children at 33. If I could have it my way, of course Allah decides subhanAllah.  I see my son on his own and I’d love for him to have another sibling to share with, he is very lonely and getting very spoilt

    im not sure if co works. I’m trying to make more money to take some pressure off him but still I’m not going to take his main financial responsibilities.  I have been able to help financially with few things around the home, I think he appreciates it.

  • Jasmina

    April 6, 2016

    I hear you regarding exercising patience, in fact it was working for a while, things got slightly better but most of all I was very chilled and happy.  It wasn’t until the 2nd started causing drama that I got sucked into it all and then I later find out he was in fact going to her on my time that I started demanding he do right by me and it has been on my mind all day and one big downward emotional spiral.  My patience is running short… But you are right, I will do just that again and see how it goes. 

  • Jasmina

    April 6, 2016

    Hi Ana

    yes it makes sense that love plays a big role. From they way you put it I would rather fall out of love first.  I have tried in the past and I couldn’t but like you say it’s not something that we can control.

    there is a lot of unknown, it’s the reason I am so indecisive… General I am a very indecisive person too. I think I have a better chance of having more kids with my husband. But greater chance of falling into depression than being alone and I am scared of that, if I do find ways of keeping myself very busy And taking my focus off him I might have a fighting chance.   I had a talk to him and he said that he is worried that I will leave him whilst I’m pregnant because I always get angry and tell him I’m gonna leave, though he is good at putting blame on me and making me feel responsible for his actions and I so I don’t buy it completely but if that’s the case I told him to fix up and I would never consider leaving.  He made me promise not to leave him, he seems paranoid about it… Which is odd because he also doesn’t seem keen on being around lol.

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    jasmina,

    Could it be that your husband doesn’t want you to have another child because of the difficulty you had with the last pregnancy and he’s concerned about you? Are you sure your wanting another child isn’t solely to compete with the co for with babies? You have to ask yourself what is really going on. If I understand correctly, you’re not working. Does the co work. Maybe your husband is feeling overwhelmed now. You’d know more than any of us would.

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    jasmina,

    You may find that when you relax, take your mind of your husband and his co that things change in your life for the better. You’d be surprised. Your co may think she has it going on by having the husband all wrapped up under her and catering only and neglecting you, but who knows what tomorrow is going to bring. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Just because it’s one way with them today, doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

    You’ll find that when you try to be patient with your situation and accepting of it, good things happen for you. You begin to become at peace and you have ease in your life. When you stop fighting and start accepting things get better. Allah says exercise patience in ALL that betides you. Of course there is a time to fight when you are being fought or oppressed. I don’t think your situation is one of oppression.

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    Marah S,

    I’ve never come across anything in my Islamic studies that says a husband can tell his wife/wives that they aren’t allowed to have children. It’s one thing for a husband and a wife to agree that they won’t have any children or more children. It’s part of mutual consultation. It’s even more bizarre to me when a husband is polygamous and allows one wife to have a child/children and another one that she’s not allowed to have one or more. I know there is such a thing as a baby war that goes on in polygamy in which the wives all compete with one another to see who could have the most children and take it a step further, which one could have the most male children. Sigh, I just can’t imagine.

    When my husband and I went to Hajj, there was a very young couple who was there and she wanted children. Her husband refused to allow her to have any. She was very sad. I could see why. The group that we were with were all Pakistani, practically. I’m almost certain that all those other women had children or were trying for one. It was odd for the one to be there with a husband who was against having children. It’s usually the norm, you get married, have children. You procreate. Neither my husband or I wanted children, and neither of us has any by anyone. It’s something we never wanted. It’s a sure sign that Allah selected him and me for mates.

  • Jasmina

    April 5, 2016

    Yes that makes perfect sense, thank you ladies. If I make my life or put it together doing what I got to do sooner or later he will either fit into it or won’t but at least I won’t regret the time I spent with him should it not work out. I’d hate to look back and think I did nothing all those years. I want to do a cooking course, and get into other hobbies which I’ve put off until my life starts lol..

  • Marah S

    April 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

    im so sorry you’re having a hard time, I tried catching up a little on the last threads, last I read things were getting better with your husband but your co-wife was trying to make drama. I didn’t quite catch if you were a first wife or second. I want to know, is it okay for a man to deny children to one of his wives, I always thought the wives in Islam had a right to having children?

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    jasmina,

    I want to mention that you are dealing with fear of the unknown as well. You are fearful that if you leave him, you won’t find another husband or you’ll find one who is worse than the one you have. You’ve been out there before – divorced and looking, and it wasn’t good. There were slim pickings out there. There is no guarantee that you will find another husband or won’t. It a chance you’ll take.

    So, what do you do? Leave your husband and pray for the best or stay married and accept the situation. Some women are single for the rest of their lives. I know personally of women who had good men in their lives as husbands and they divorce, never to marry again; although they wanted to.

    Who knows? Maybe Allah will give you another husband and maybe he won’t. Allah knows best!

  • anabellah

    April 5, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’m with Azoo with regard to what she said. You know what you’re dealing with. It is what it is. You need to try to get your mind off of him and wanting him to change and get busy with your life, no longer focusing on him. Don’t mistreat him or anything of that nature. Just stop making him your world.

    It would be nice if you could just not love him anymore, which would make it easier for you to move on, but as you stated, you love him. As long as you love him, it will make it more difficult for you to leave.

    Some people give up on love, knowing it’s getting them no place and leave despite the heartache it causes. Others wait for the feeling to leave their hearts and then leave.

    The problem is who knows when and if the love in your heart will no longer be there. If you wait to not love him anymore, you may end up being in the marriage the rest of his or your life.

    Allah controls the heart, so you can’t remove the love yourself no matter what you do. You could ask Allah to remove the love from your heart. Maybe He will and maybe he won’t. If He does, it will be in His time, not yours or anyone else’s. Maybe He won’t remove it as  a means of agony for you. Maybe it’s a blessing that you love your husband and maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.

    There is no easy answer. Keep turning to Allah for His help and guidance. Acceptance of what Allah decreed is the answer. You need to accept that Allah has you in this marriage right now for whatever reason and try to like it. It may be good for you. Make your intent to be as happy and content in it as you can while making intentions to do good things to move you forward in the interim.

    Insha Allah, I make sense.

  • Arzoo

    April 5, 2016

    Hi Jasmina, my advice is same as earlier. Start some activities that are good for your mind and body. Maybe just start with a short walk every evening. Build a routine without expecting any contribution or company of your husband. You will not get anywhere by continuing to expect him to behave certain way and do things that will make you happy. You have to do something on your own and find your own happiness. Just don’t think about making a decision about leaving or staying first and then doing things to prepare for same. Do things to take care of yourself first and make the decisions later.

  • Jasmina

    April 5, 2016

    I want to get some advice. I am really feeling very tired of the struggle that is my marriage. I’m feeling I want to cut my losses and leave however I feel I need to prepare mentally for it more than financially etc. because I do not want to leave and I love my husband and have every ounce of blood in my body wanting this to work but it’s not working and this is unhealthy for me.  

    Im not feeling too optimistic about my marriage or my husband having the ability to make the changes I need anytime soon.  His other wife is pregnant and I’m getting more depressed with him not wanting more kids with me along with everything else like him being late, not taking me out or spending quality family time. It’s such a struggle, like the way you have to struggle with a child to listen to you when they don’t want to, it’s like that everyday for everything… It’s a pain in the butt! I feel I’m better off alone, that’s what my brain says but I don’t know the future so allahualem.

    So my question is what are some ways in which I can mentally build up the strength to leave. Any thoughts? Or am I being silly thinking like this? 

  • Marah S

    April 4, 2016

    Thanks for the heads up, I don’t know how I managed to miss the “rules 4 commentators” tab up there lol!!

    It’s good to know this blog is all about positivity, learning, and Islam. And thank you for being so welcoming :)

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    Marah S,

    You’re welcome to be here with us. The only rules are some basic ones that you may want to review at the top of the home page under “rules 4 commentators.”

    I’d much rather you be here with us with a positive interest in polygamy oppose to a polygamy hater who is negative and bring negativity with her. You’re welcome over one of those any day. LOL

    By all means, ask questions. I can’t guarantee that everyone will answer. It can’t hurt to ask.  It’s nice to have you here. :-)

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    Marah S,

    It appears that 27’s marriage is based on sex only, evident by her reference to him being addicted to her body. If she’s temporary, then what was the purpose of it? Temporary marriages aren’t even lawful in Islam. It’s an innovation.

    I agree with you that there is more to marriage than sex and finances. Some women haven’t learned that and devalue themselves. They have no sense of self-worth. I’m not saying it’s the case with 27. I just know it’s that way for some women. They see themselves as only good for sex and serve no other purpose. It’s very sad.

  • Marah S

    April 3, 2016

    Do you have any rules or anything off limits to ask or say?

  • Marah S

    April 3, 2016

    yes, Im a new reader, It sounds to me that the only thing holding 27’s marriage together is a sexual bond, it makes me so sad for her, marriage should be more than just sex and finances.

     

    im not in a polygamous marriage and I don’t know anyone in a polygamous marriage, but I’m interested in learning more about it, is it okay if I ask the women here questions, from time to time?

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    Marah S

    You must be new here. Welcome and thank you for commenting :-)

    I hope 27 is okay, as well. I think any way she looks at it she will be okay. Even if her husband divorces her, he may be doing her a favor, based on all we’ve heard. If she is a temporary wife who is being denied the right to a child while the other wife is allowed to have them by their husband, it may be best that she moves on. She definitely wants to have children and waiting around to see if her husband will one day change his mind about it, may not be the best way to go.

    I see it the same as baseema who finds it disturbing that she wants to start looking for another husband while still married. There was another commentator who was here who wanted to start looking. The difference is her husband had abandoned her for at least a few years or more. She was in the process of getting a divorce, Islamically somehow. That was a different story.

    It sounds that 27 is just fearful of being alone. There are some women who like moving directly from one relationship to another and hold on to what they’ve got until they find the other. It’s how it’s done by some non-Muslims. 27 is a fairly new shahadah. She’s a new revert. She apparently haven’t gotten away from the non-Muslim mentality and ways. It takes time. Just because someone take the oath to become Muslim doesn’t mean they instantly believe all that they should and do it. It doesn’t happen that way.

  • Marah S

    April 3, 2016

    Yikes!!!! I’m a little scared for 27, I’m sure her husband read what she wrote here since her co found out and wasn’t too happy about it, I hope she’s okay

  • anabellah

    April 3, 2016

    baseema,

    That’s my problem. I keep procrastinating. I need to be like you and just do it so I can stop thinking about it. I told myself that, Insha Allah, I”ll sit down and will do it next Saturday. We’ll see how it goes. I’m glad that you were able to tackle it and have a not so bad outcome. Alhumdulliah!

  • baseema

    April 3, 2016

    Ana, I bit the bullet yesterday and did my taxes. It was kind of complicated as I had W2’s from 3 jobs and a couple 1099’s and Health insurance Marketplace stuff, etc. Turned out not as bad as I thought! Only had to pay a few hundred. Much better than last year! I started at IRS.gov and found the free file link. The program walked me through every step all the way to the e-filing and payment. So relieved to have it finally done, and not sitting in the back of my mind. Whew! Good luck with  yours! :)

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2016

    fatima,

    Sorry your last comment got approved late. I just fished it out of the “spam” queue. Some comments go there in error.

  • fatima

    April 2, 2016

    Mutah

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All the Wonderful People out there in cyberspace,

    jasmina,

    You are ripe to teach the course here :-) You’ve written some very good posts that are reminding me and keeping me straight too. I like reading everyone’s perspective. We may have the same view and understanding, but some word it differently to give us the same meaning, but a crisper look at it. You’re on top of your game, lady. It’s nice.

    Tasliyman,

    It’s good to hear your input. We don’t hear much from you, but when you speak you command an ear. Thank you for imputing more. (I’d give you a thumb up, but I had to remove the emoticons for the time being, as they were faulty).

    baseema,

    Thank you much for letting me know that you see improvement on the blog. It’s good news. I aim to please.

    I’m hopeful 27’s husband will see the error of his ways and do the right thing by her. asiya could probably be very influential in helping their husband do what is just and fair. We are to be just in all our dealings whether in a polygamous marriage or not.

    ummof4,

    There you are, my friend. I suppose we’re both very busy, cuz we haven’t been as vocal as we used to be. It’s always good to read you. :-)

    @everyone,

    I’m still working on my project that is associated with the blog. It’s a lot of work. Insha Allah, I’ll complete it sooner than later and will be able to get back to writing threads/posts regularly. I still have to do my income taxes on top of all I’ve got going on. sigh.

    I really like how everyone is coming together to help everyone else. You all should have memorized my song by now.LOL when I write I sound like a broken record now to myself. It’s good getting input from you all. Alhumdulliah.

    Love to you all!

    Remember: Every day above ground is a good day!

    Don’t ask me where the pic (logo) of the lady  that was on the front page of the blog went. I don’t have time to find her right now LOL  If it ain’t one thing, it’s another…

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2016

    asiya, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s okay; It didn’t cross my mind that you were dissing me. If you were, it’s okay LOL I’m learning more now how not to get my panties in a twist. LOL

    Everyone in a polygamous marriage goes through tough times and changes. You and your co are dealing with a lot right now with each other. Nothing is consistently constant. With regard to your co and you both being on the blog, it’s okay because no one knows you two. You two only know each others identity. As I’ve stated many times, I want to protect everyone’s identity as best I can. I don’t try to figure out who anyone is just to be nosey or maliciously to try to harm anyone. I won’t allow anyone to reveal someone’s else true identity.

    If your co is not being forthright in the information that she presents to us, it only to her detriment because she won’t be getting information that could help her. We can only give advice based on the information that we receive. As a couple of other ladies here have mentioned to you, not everyone will confess their sins here whether the person’s identity is known or not. They only reveal what is easy for them and what they feel comfortable with. There have been some who have come and said they committed adultery or fornication and still are. It’s too much information; although we don’t know who they are. We have to use discretion when we talk whether we are known or not. We don’t know whether the person repented and Allah forgave the person. Some things we just don’t need to talk about although we’re anonymous.

    Please don’t get angry if your co isn’t telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You know more of the truth than we do and Allah knows everything. As I stated, we don’t know you or your co’s identity, so it’s no biggy. Relax and lets try to help one another. It sounds that you and your co have the potential to be very good friends once you both iron out some of your differences. It’s all good…

  • baseema

    April 2, 2016

    27, Sorry, I was just going by what you  had said in your post. I guess I have a sore spot when I see someone who is married and talking about dating someone else.

    I don’t think having kids is something you can or should compromise on. If he doesn’t want them, then I would move on. Otherwise if you go ahead and have a child, that child is definitely going to suffer. As you have said now, he has let you know his position clearly over the past couple years. Is there really anything more to talk about? Please don’t bring a child into this mess. Kids have a hard enough time already, without getting it from their own parent.

    I get that it’s not fair. Life isn’t fair sometimes. Maybe it’s time to take action and move on.

    Ana, I like this improvement to the posting process! :)

  • ummof4

    April 2, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    What is going on here?  Asiya, if you have been following this blog for a while, you know that many stories are similar.  It’s possible that you are attacking 27, when she is not the person you know.  Give her a break. 

    Ladies, this blog is not a place for nastiness.  We may disagree, but we should not call each other names or try to make each other look bad.  When women come here for advice, we give it to them as best we can. 

    27,  since I don’t know you, I can only go by what you say.  If you are lying or exaggerating, that is between you and Allah.  Based on what you said, you and your husband have a fantastic sex life, but that’s all.  You have agreed to be a secret wife, which is not good, because marriage is supposed to be public. You want to have children, and your husband doesn’t; that’s quite a conflict.

    27 you never mentioned if you, your husband or his other wife were Muslim.  If you are Muslim,  my advice to you is to make Salatul Istikharah and ask Allah for guidance- should you stay or should you divorce. 

    May Allah make it easy for all of us to obey Him.

     

     

  • Jasmina

    April 2, 2016

    Oh so asiya you are 27’s co?

    Hmm you seem very angry about whatever happened and rightfully so but I will say that if you hold on to this it will be at your peril.  It is easy to be driven by our emotions and when they are negative it can suck your life into a bad state.  

    You two share the same man as a husband and therefore should try to be kind to each other it seems odd that asiya taught her about Islam after such a situation, I think that was a wrong move from the husband to force you two to get along so quickly.  

    If she was not Muslim and later became Muslim then Allah has forgiven her sins and she and you should not reveal it as it is something Allah will hide for her. It doesn’t matter to us as we do not know any of your but I’m talking in general.  you cannot expect her to come here and tell her sins right of the bat, and it’s wrong that you try to put her down. I also think that if what you say is true then yes it was wrong on your husbands part and hers if she knew but we can be here all day pointing fingers and in the end what does it achieve?  Why did you not speak up when you found out, it’s too late now. Now they are married and she is your sister in Islam.  

    You Two share the same marriage, marriage is sacred and so do not desire that she suffers in it or that she and her husband divorce. Accept that they are now married and it’s a life commitment just as your marriage to him is. Encourage your husband to be just to her and you and inshaAllah you all will benefit from this. Miss soo hard I know, many here have very complicated lives and marriages, welcome to the real world, this is life, this is why we are in this world, do not think it was meant to be easy. If it’s not polygamy then it’s something else we struggle with in life, thank Allah for the blessing you have such as your children and health and let go of the pain caused by this situation. Ask Allah to ease the pain you must feel.  Men do things that breaks a woman’s heart but we need to be stronger. 

  • Tasliyman

    April 2, 2016

    Asalaamu Alaykum 

    I don’t think anybody who writes on here looking for advice tells their whole story first. How could you write about years of your life in one post???  

    Everyone gives some background on the situation that they need advice on. Not their entire life. 

    I also highly doubt that everyone shares whatever sins they have committed in the past. That’s between you and Allah.

    Whatever anyone else thinks about 27 or the other wife is actually irrelevant.  Their business is their own. That’s the great part about the blog. Its anonymous.  So we have no idea who the writer really is and so much less who the other wife is. 

    I feel that we should feel free to write about what is bothering us without being attacked.   

    Another good thing about this blog is that sometimes we dont see the truth in situations.  We see things our own way (like my-co wife this and that). Usually our misconceptions are pointed out by others and this force us to stop fooling ourselves and to face the truth.

    Anyway I just wanted to get that off my chest as it bothers me when someone comes looking for help and they are attacked instead. I remember how vulnerable I was when I first came here. 

     

  • asiya

    April 2, 2016

    And i will clear myself up that this women herself should know by now what happened with my marriage and i am not in fault as to why he did with her 

    Allah Is the greatest witness

  • asiya

    April 2, 2016

    I am not dissing you ana

    Just unfortunantly some polygamy situations are complictaed expecially when they were started from the shaytan and not started the way Allah says it to be done.

     

  • asiya

    April 2, 2016

    If she herself wants to know why i am defending! myself and what she is wrong in and if she has a problem she can co e to my face and speak not go behind my back with wrong or distorted story like what a true believer and muslim or human being would  and be understanding and respectful and let me speak without interupting hearing me out and listen and i am able to do back.

    I dont want to write anymore about this on this website or any website because even though it may be safe and our identitys protected you never know what could happen and i wluld like to protect my families. 

    Isnt it wiser to ask for advise in a different way than stating details or at least make up a situation that is close to urs… expecially on the internet.

    I dont have anyone to go to to talk too and i am aware she has. And i am sure she knows she lied with that.

    She herself said to me that i am going through worse than she is. 

    I am not a heartless and i know what polygamy involves but that being said you need to be careful with giving advice expecially if this person is spilling out a distorted story and leaving out parts.

    We all have to be careful and i think this website is a great support system  

    But yu have to use support systems wisely 

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    April 2, 2016

    asiya,

    Please tell us what you know of the situation without attacking 27. Do you think it’s right for a husband to engage in polygamy and tell one wife that she can’t have children by him when he’s fathered a child/children with the other wife? Put yourself in that position and imagine how it would affect you. She is a wife too, as Jasmina stated. All wives are of equal status regardless of the number she married in. The best person is the one who is most righteous.

  • asiya

    April 2, 2016

    Coming on to a website and stating one side of the story with quite a few lies and alot that is untold and making other people who are innocent sound bad is wrong 

    What are you hoping when ur not even saying the truth of the story 

    Mabey what you in your head or mind think it is 

    How can these people help you like that? 

    I just don’t think ur understanding 

     

  • Jasmina

    April 1, 2016

    27

    yes it’s so sad that men have to do that to get to their end goal. Lying only hurts people and in the end it does no one any good not even the men.  It’s good that he is being just with everything else and do not give up any of your rights because you will regret it. Its also good that u seem to be taking it so well and you offered to leave. It annoys me that some women feel privileged over the other wife for one reason or another. All wives are equal. No difference. 

    Well if I were you since he seems like a nice guy from what you say, I would try convince him and make him see your point of view. Do not take maybe later, it’s either yes or no. If nothing works then you need to decide if you want to stay in the marriage or not, you need to make that decision yourself. The situation really sucks. I’m going throu same thing, my husband doesn’t want more children but he is slowly coming around. We have one. But he he doesn’t change his mind after a year or so I’m leaving as I want more kids.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    27, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you very much for staying with us and continuing to share. I appreciate you continuing to tell us your side of the story.

    There is no excuse for him not letting you know that he was married with kids until you were emotionally invested, nor is there an excuse for him to deny you having a child. You are absolutely correct that Allah does say HE PROVIDES, so not having enough money for you to have a child is saying that someone doesn’t believe what Allah says.

  • 27

    April 1, 2016

    just to clear myself 

    I was called cheating on someone’s husband. How is that cheating if he said he had no wife and kids. If I was unknown about everything. What was he’s wife doing whole the time till he married me and put me in this place. I felt same as her when I found out the truth. We both are women’s and we both got hurt.And I think most of the man cheats on first to have second. And she was the one to say yes to our marriage as I told her I won’t stay  him or be with him till you want. I married him for same reason as her to have stable life and kids .He was pretty young to believe he was married(21).There was no any clue to know he was married. I wish I knew he was married I would not be in this mess but maybe God wanted and he’s a good man. He’s being fair with me for everything but I don’t see a point of him just wanting kids from one family. She can put herself in my place and feel when her husband says no to that. As financially you said it’s not enough for petrol,mortgage,bills,how do poor people have kids or they don’t have kids at all. And it’s ok for me as long as my husband is fair with finance on both side (gives me what he gives her) i can  work and manage rest she doesn’t have to stress. It’s my family and I will worry for it. And how that small baby is going to make financial effect ( nappies,pair of cloths,milk ) She has kids so she should know that. I don’t see it’s very expensive and if it did go hard on finance I won’t eat but will provide for my child. As she was the one who told me God provides everything and babies are blessing from God. My husband and wife taught me everything about Islam but he’s not doing right to me when it comes to kids.

  • Jasmina

    April 1, 2016

    Yes it sounds heaps like Aisha’s.  It sounds like a chapter from my life too and that’s why In a really nice way I’m telling her to run.  He is putting his first wife in a pedestal and lowering 27s position as not only his wife but a woman. I know how that feels like, been there, am still there lol, run girl. You want a man that cherishes you and respects your needs.  I do think that it’s early and that he will grow to love and cherish her but her baby making clock is ticking.  if she was deeply in love or they had kids then it’s different and harder, but it sounds like she will be able to move on. 27 is a good age. Inshallah she can find a man before hitting 30, a good man, probably even way way before.  Thing is sister approach marriage in an Islamic way and Allah will give you someone amazing inshallah.  I mean her husband lied to her about being married, that’s heartless. 

    I know a new sister who after converting dumped her boyfriend and did everything islamically. Would not speak to potentials unless it was through her wali. Really amazing. For 2 years Guy after guy rejected her until she gave up. Then out of no where a girl spotted her for her brother and she is now happily married to a dream guy… She is the happiest person I know mashaAllah.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    27’s situation sound a lot like Aisha’s who was here. I strongly think 27’s best bet is to move on. She probably can do a whole lot better with someone else who wants to give her children and has a backbone, who loves her for her mind and body and more.

    I can’t for the life of me understand how a polygamous man would want children by one of his wives and not the other. He can’t be that brain dead to not know the effect that it would have by denying her. It’s a huge injustice and it causes a problems between the wives.

    Insha Allah, He’ll guide her and remove her from the situation.

  • Jasmina

    April 1, 2016

    Does Asiya and Fatima know 27? When did she say that she was cheating? Sounds odd the way they commented on her story. I read that she is in polygamy (how she got there or what number WHO CARES) and her husband does not want children when she desires it and feels it unfair and confused as to what to do moving forward. That’s it, leave her alone.

    27, I think that since you have no children and since you are detached emotionally from him, leave him.  It’s not worth the headache to go through so much for any man. Today it’s the children issue tomorrow is another issue, then something else and so on. Some men have no backbone or they do not respect their wives enough to treat them with kindness. They never change. Trust me. 

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2016

    I’m just tossing stuff out there. I’m not trying to shut anyone down. Continue with your views. We all, Insha Allah, will learn something.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    The first wife had a lot to gain by helping 27 learn islam, if she did it seeking the good pleasure of Allah. If she’s following the charity that she did up with reminders of her generosity (on teaching her Islam), she blew her blessings. It canceled out her charity.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    It’s sad that men have more than one wife and have the government supporting them.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    We can’t very well get the whole story on this blog of everyone’s life. We just have to go with giving the person the benefit of the doubt that a person is being truthful. It’s not as though everyone knows everyone’s true identity. We give advice based on what’s given to us here. It’s basically an anonymous support group. It’s what it’s supposed to be anyhow.

  • fatima

    March 31, 2016

    what i can speak of is that is wrong for 27 to blame his first wife and make it her fault as it is not

    She has every right to fight with her husband if he is not giving her due rights expesially for the kids sake

    And from what i know a small some of money which the kids only get from the goverment is not enough for bills mortgage food petrol clothing and dont forget thats not just for two people its for kids too

    Mabey the first wife should divorse him

  • fatima

    March 31, 2016

    As i learnt in the movie prophet yusuf

    Do not make judgement when you have not heard the whole story
    You must know every bit of the story and every side to make a Just and right judgment

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    If the other wife is all that you say and she’s all jacked up, why doesn’t the husband just divorce her temporary derriere that he seems to love so much that it has become an addiction for him or did I answer my own question?

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    Hoe does someone becomes a temporary wife and for what purpose? Is that like a dating relationship that has the word “marriage” stamped on it? That’s weird.

  • asiya

    March 31, 2016

    And she helped you and taught yu how to pray and try teaching you islam and helped yu come to islam

  • asiya

    March 31, 2016

    I don’t think you ever put ur self in the first wife’s shoes and you forgot what good she did for you

    As yu were caught cheating with her husband

  • asiya

    March 31, 2016

    One side of the story 27

    Let’s just clarify that 27 has married temporarily and is not yet a permanant wife and has no clue or knowledge of everything and justify what she thinks as being fair when her herself is the one causing alot of unfairness

    It is easy for you to badmouth someone when you don’t know the truth of everything

    And its very clear who the one with bad intention is and I would not say it is the first wife

    And you are clearly lying in alot of ways as no problems finacally is a complete lie more

    How can you speak as if you are there with the first wife and husband to say she always fighting with him

    Mabey in ur mind ur pretending or making up things because it is clear you are in a different world and not in reality

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    27, it may be in your best interest to get a divorce from him, so that Insha Allah, there will no longer be anymore secrecy and you won’t have to play second fiddle to his other wife. Just keep in mind that the grass is not always greener of the other side. People come with baggage. They aren’t perfect. They all have fault and flaws. So try to keep that in mind. There is no happily-ever-after on this planet. Paradise is not on this planet.

    You know what you’ve got now that you don’t want in another marriage – make sure as best you can that the potential spouse wants children and that you are not a secret. If you get into polygamy again, make sure as best you can that his other family knows about you. Don’t keep it from your family either. Polygamy is the same as monogamy. You wouldn’t hide your monogamous marriage. You shouldn’t hide your polygamous marriage from your family and close friends either. Polygamy is a part of our religion and we shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Of course exercise caution and reason. You don’t have to tell every one you meet or say hello to that you’re in a polygamous marriage, unless you live in a country in which polygamy is openly accepted. Insha Allah, make your intent to marry someone who likes your mind and isn’t just “addicted” to your body.

  • 27

    March 31, 2016

    @ Baseema

    I have asked him for more then a year but he said me when I stop working. Now it’s been 6 months I have stopped work he shows no interest on it. I have asked him so many times nicely but yes yesterday was the day when I went real angry and took all my anger out and still he didn’t say he wants. Anyway you don’t know the situation to say what he deserves. And yes I would love to divorce him if that’s what he wants and date a guy as I need family and children.
    Thank you

  • 27

    March 31, 2016

    @ Anna

    Thank you for the reply. I actually didn’t know about his first marriage at all when I married him so there was nothing to be discussed about child and all. He’s parents don’t know about me and he’s lying always to come my home. He’s wife and him have always problems and fights most likely everytime. She pretends to be good to me but I knew she didn’t want any good of me so I completely stopped talking to her. As she used to ring me and get information about me and him and give him hard time. It took while to know who she was but now it’s so clear how bad intension she has about me. There is no finance problem at all. As government pays for kids and mom. And i good some kind of earning too. I feel he’s scared of her and he’s parents. As she keep scaring him that she will go to his parents. He’s like addicted to my body just the way he is around me so I feel he loves me a lot. I wish we could fix it but if he can’t give me children I don’t want to stay. My parents don’t know about him having wife and kids too as they live in different country I don’t find a reason to tell them and hurt them. And my mom is always asking me about my pregnancy I feel like she thinks something is going on but I don’t have answer for her and everyone. It’s hard on me too.
    Thank you

  • baseema

    March 31, 2016

    Wow 27! You “asked him YESTERDAY” and today you are withholding sex and ready to be with another man?? “Can I start dating other guy?”

    Maybe you should leave him, because, quite honestly, it sounds like he deserves better!

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    27, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m with Gail that you and your husband are at different places and if you force his hand he may go along with what you want, but at the same time he may be nasty and bitter towards you and the child. There is a very good chance that his other wife has convinced him not to have anymore children and maybe gave the reason as being financial or who knows or he may simply want children with her and no one else. What reason did he give you for not wanting children right now, other than he said he doesn’t want children right now? As Gail stated, men and women need to discuss these issues before they marry to make sure they are on the same page.

    You shouldn’t withhold sex from him because Allah says in the Quran that a man may approach his tilth when he wants. Approach doesn’t mean getting, but he still have a right to have sex with you. You shouldn’t withhold sex from him to punish him for not wanting to get you pregnant. It’s not going to foster a good marriage. It won’t do any good in any way.

    If you want a child and he doesn’t you have every right to demand a divorce from him. Make your intention for divorce. He appears to be oppressing you and possibly is a tyrant. You don’t have to stay married to such a person. If you want more in a marriage then make your intent to leave the marriage that you are in.

    I suggest you not date or pursue another man for marriage until your marriage is dissolved. You would only being playing with fire if you sought out a man to marry while still married. You don’t know what the future holds. Allah may keep you in the marriage and all along you’re playing around with another man and it’s wrong. We are not suppose to come near to adultery. How would you know if you could resolve your differences with your husband, if you’re out there trying to find another love interest. Deal with your marriage and make your intent to stay in it or leave it and leave other men alone until you are no longer married.

  • 27

    March 31, 2016

    Hi

    Thank you for the reply. I read what Gail said. I have heard on phone once long ago about my pregnancy talk from his first wife and him when she was fighting. It can be her stopping my husband to make me pregnant. She threatens him a lot but it doesn’t happen infront me anymore on my time as i don’t like to hear what she talks about me. I love to stay happy.It does hurt me sometimes and I wish to have him all my own but I still feel and think about his first and I feel OK to share him. I love her kids no bad intension for her and her kids. I wish she was understanding and feel for me the way she feels for herself when it comes to having kids. I am going to leave him if he’s not going to make me pregnant. And I clearly told him no sex till you give me some respect and care about my fellings. Maybe that’s what God wants for me and him . I just want to know if it’s good reason to leave him and ask for divorce? Can I start dating other guy?
    Thank you

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2016

    Hi there, sad face,

    Gail replied to you below under “27”. Please use 27 or makeup another name. It’s difficult to know what to call you, if you don’t have a user name. Thank you! :-)

    @Gail,

    It was clever of you to call her 27 :-)

  • ???

    March 31, 2016

    Hi Ana

    I am second wife who is wanting to have children. I don’t have any kids and I am married of more then 2 years. Hes first wife is more younger then me and has 2 kids already before I married him. I feel very bad and alone. I don’t know why am I married if I can’t deserve a child while she does. I feel unfair to my marriage when my husband is just focused on sex and he’s pleasure with me. I love sex and never felt bad or turned off because of he’s other wife. I get full pleasure from him and satisfied. I am over this jealousy and other issue of him having first wife. As he never talks to her or messages her or brings her up in our talk .I feel happy and he does same back to her when he’s with her. I never message or call him when he’s there. And if she ever tries to waste our time he usually make up for it more then what she wasted. I am happy with marriage,with him and all. I feel I am beautiful and I always try to look beautiful for him. As only me and him in the house I dress the way he loves. I try my best to do all my duties. And he’s shows a lot of interest on me too. We are like friends. I wasn’t ready for baby before because of work but now I am and I just told him nicely yesterday that I want to have babies but he showed no interest on it. He didn’t answer me at all. And I feel like he’s using me for sex. What should I do now. I already have said what I want and he hasn’t answered or talked to me at all. Can I start looking for a man who actually wants kids from me and leave him. Is it good enough reason to leave him. Do I get punished for leaving him if he’s not making me pregnant and I want it.
    Thank you

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2016

    jasmina,

    Alhumdulliah!!! It’s wonderful news. I know you must have been a bit nervous, broaching the subject with him, not being certain what he’d say. Now you have your answer. I’m so happy for you. He probably wasn’t expecting you to speak on it the way that you did. Good for you! I’m glad you spoke up about it. Insha Allah, you’re off to a fresh start. :-)

  • jasmina

    January 23, 2016

    so had a discussion and all is good. he doesnt want to divorce. alhamdulillah. said it wont happen again. he didnt say why he was being nasty. we are going to try make it work inshallah.

  • jasmina

    January 23, 2016

    i helped him by encouraging h to get a higher paid job. haha… it sounds terrible but last time i paid all the bills and household furniture everything without complaint and one day i come home with my stuff boxed up a mess or in the bin… so yeah i will never put in that much agai. give and take. when i can get a fridge i will put in some. i cannot be taken advantage off for now. it will take some time for me to trust him fully again.

  • jasmina

    January 23, 2016

    hi Gail that is an interesting POV. it makes sense too. it could be possible. i am going to have a talk and i will bring this up too. i am a hard wprker so mayb he expected me to pay for stuff that is why i made it clear this time i would not pay a single bill however i do help with groceries and till now i have paid part rent. it has pushed him to get a new job which he starts in a month. i know something is going on either he wants out or is being manipulated.

  • Gail

    January 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I will still say get your ducks in a row.I wish i could say in your case it is going to get better but he is mentally hurting u and I don’t know how far he is going before he breaks your spirit.Don’t let that happen because no Person is worth that esp a man.U have got to get yourself a support network like our mom or sisters,cousins or best friend,friends etc…. so that u can get a job and get money coming in so u can be independent.Think about making a small business if u don’t want to leave your child in childcare.I won’t lie it’s hard but unless u start getting your ducks in a row it may very well go worse.Your life is going to be a roller coaster ride.He will be ok for awhile then he will fly off on u and cut u down and make u feel worthless then again he will be fine.I don’t know do u want a life like that and your child seeing it as he grown up.It really is your call. Secretly though I will tell u this if he really thinks your fat then why have sex with him? I fear u r loosing your self respect.I am overweight and I struggle to lose weight.I basically starve myself and still the weight is slow to come off.It is just horrible to me he said that to u.Even I told my husband the other night I am so fat and sick of being fat I was depressed about it and he said who cares what u look like your mine.
    Here is the thing I have been overweight since my 20s but i have always had a pretty face and hair but having cancer on my nose and having half my nose cut off welllll u can imagine I am not so pretty anymore.The doctor told me 2 weeks it would be healed but it is a month now and it is 75% healed but it is sooo slow and I am so self conscience of the hole growing in well I am depressed about it to be frank.I know it is not forever but everytime I see the hole it is a reminder I have had cancer twice.OK enough of me just don’t let him bring u down u r someone mother,daughter,sister,friend,WIFE,etc… u deserve to be respected!

  • Gail

    January 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    With what u said in your post it leads me to believe that his first wife is angry and talking bad about u not pulling your won weight and paying your own rent or at least part of it.Is your husband paying for everything? Some men want skinny wives thats their preference.I find that very shallow and I would even if I was 100 pounds but everyone has their preferences.In saying that I have a feeling your cowife is part of the problem but not all.I am certain if she is asking him for money and he don’t have it to give she is bashing u to him.Then he gets angry at u because he wants u to do more.Bottom line whatever agreement u made with him he is not happy about it and I think using your weight as an excuse at least partly.I can’t help but think that if u were paying your own rent that he would not care about your weight as much.
    I will be honest here if he is paying for everything and u can tell he is taking issue with it and u want to save your marriage u better figure out how to get some money coming in to help pay for stuff.He is not going to get better until that happens because that is the underlining problem it seems.
    Do u think this could be the problem?

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    jasmina, it’s okay. If this marriage doesn’t work out, Insha Allah, there is a better one awaiting you. As painful as it may be, you may want to sit down with him and have an honest discussion about it. Be prepared for what he says if it’s not to your liking, for instance, that he wants out. See if he wants to work on the marriage or not, before you spend anymore time in a marriage that you both are unhappy in.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    yes that is how i am feeling Ana. that his heart isnt in this.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    jasmina,

    The pass that you referred to that does not pertain to you entailed no injustices other than problems with the schedule. The problems stemmed from him not knowing what he was doing and he let the other manipulate the schedule and him. She tried to make a schedule based on the way they did it on her job. Who could figure that crap out? – night shifts, holidays, weekends and crap.

    I encouraged ladies to stay with their husbands who love them and the wives love the husbands. They loved each other. The only problem standing in their way was the wife non-acceptance of polygamy. The husbands embark upon a polygamous path that Allah allows and the wives needed to understand it and not get in the way of it. I see it as a test for SOME of the wives. The only reason they rejected polygamy to begin with was due to their lowly base emotions such a jealousy, envy and selfishness. They furthermore dealt with rancor or hatred towards a co-wife. They had to deal with being bitter towards their husbands due to blaming them for how she felt and for, in their minds, ruining their marriage. They had to battle with Satan. Once they learned to conquer those low emotions and learned to accept Allah’s decisions (that Allah determined the husband to be polygamous and selected his wife/wives for him the same as he did with the first) she will pass the test and will be happy. If she does all that Allah says in the Holy Quran, she would be happy. She will find peace and tranquility in the marriage. She’ll furthermore have comfort and ease in her life.

    As for your marriage, I’m leaning towards what Gail said. Your husband is not nice. I’m not certain that he still loves you, based on what you have said. He emotionally and psychologically abuses you. He says mean and hateful things to you. Yes, he does sound angry, but to me it sounds that he’s not just angry with you not working and not being able to contribute or about you being overweight, he may not want to be with you. He may feel that he is doing you a favor by staying with you because he thinks you need him and you and he have a history. I don’t think his heart is with you or your and his marriage.

    In a situation like yours, I wouldn’t encourage you to stay. I don’t see it getting better. Allah knows best. Your husband would have to want to change what is in his heart and Allah would have to put love back in his heart for you. Your husband may not want that change. If he doesn’t want to change, it won’t happen. You can’t do anything about what he feels inside. I would never tell you that if you stay with your husband, deal with his abuse, and serve Allah it will get better. What your husband wants matters, as well. He has to want to be with you. You could pray all day and night that Allah changes your husband heart, but if your husband isn’t praying for it and wants it to happen, it won’t. It’s a two way street. It may be best for you to kiss the marriage goodbye and move on. Allah wants good for His believing servants. Those are my thoughts about it.

    Make sure you know what you’re doing because if he divorces you again, it is over. You’d have to marry another man and divorce or the other man dies before you could ever marry your current husband again, if your husband doesn’t take you back before the end of the idaat period. Divorce is only permissible twice.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    jasmina,

    It’s how it happens. It’s part of moving forward and making progress. One makes progress and then it seems either a co or husband or someone else does something that sets back the one trying to make a change. I been there and done that with the process. What you’ve been experiencing is part of the process. It’s okay. You’re doing good. It’s about persevering. It’s about staying strong and not giving up. It’s about remembering Allah and holding onto Him, so He can take you through it. Be patient with the process. It’s all part of learning and growing. You didn’t go from being a baby to being an adult, did you? It’s the same concept. You’re on the right track. I’ll be back. It’s salat time.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    thanks Gail. i do not know what is going on with him. i think he does not love me. i wanted to think he was under pressure from 2nd but its juat too much now. he loves the old me but not who i am deep down. i called him shallow and he agreed and said he was. i am lost for words.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    i just loat a post… ok so i will try to follow those steps thanks Ana. i wonder how much time it will take. along with all that i have said in the past this week my husband has been teasing and complaining about me. i am a bad wife, fat and he says i am incapable of any success and said i have achieved nothing and brought up jobs of i had as a teenager like when i worked delivering the mail lol… i was 14. totally ignored that i was a CEO at 19 and held that job for years or that i have had a child or been Muslim and practice relatively well or the 100s of other achievements i have had with him. i think he is angry that i wont lose weight or work or make my business successful and now i am not payment my share of rent. i made it clear before marriage i would not pay rent and he agreed. i cannot until i see my needs met but he is getting unkind so not working. if i pay rent i dont have enough for food or pay my debts. with what you said i will try just be happy knowing that Allah knows my heart and be content with that even if my husband puts me down. he made it clear he goes to 2nd after work and then tried to hide it saying he goes masjid even though he has a change of clothes every day.. i will do my best to turn my life around to be a true believer and leave it in the hands of Allah. i dont know if you had to deal with injustices from your husband whilst you went through that transition but if so how did you cope or deal with that.

  • jasmina

    January 22, 2016

    Ana that took me some time to reflect. im certainly not there yet. i am trying very hard and when i feel i make progress my husband does something that sets me back.

  • Gail

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I don’t know why husbands can’t be neutral maybe some can I really don’t know but I know my husband was not.I can’t tell u to stay or divorce your husband as u have a child with him and it makes things so much more complex in your situation but girl if u decide to stay with him u r going to have to grow some thick skin that I do know.I fear u will live in a loveless marriage.I feel u r in a bad marriage(G.D knows I know what that is) I do believe it is possible to fix a bad marriage but both people have to desire to work on the marriage.I don’t really feel like in your case your husband has desire to work on your marriage at this time so I am really not sure where that leaves u other than tuning him out if u stay and working on building a life for you and your son.I am sorry u r going through all this u don’t deserve it.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Finally, for now anyhow, to get the comfort and ease that you’d like to have, you must believe correctly.

    I’ve said it before. You either believe that Allah is God and controls everything in the universe OR you believe you and everyone else make choices and everyone’s choices are effecting you, which means you and they have power just like Allah does and you are equal to Him. It means people are mini-gods and do whatever they want to.

    If you believe the second one, that you choose, then you could forget about comfort and ease. It won’t happen for you. Your life will always be a mess. The second way is how most people think.

    You have to get on the “straight path”. You have to surrender your self to Allah. Surrender your will to Him. When you surrender your will, which is what Islam and being Muslim is all about, you will no longer have a will. You have to rely Only on Allah and not on yourself or your husband or anything or anyone else that Allah created. You have to believe that no one can bring any good or harm to you unless Allah wills it. You must believe that He is a Just God, a Forgiving God, a Merciful God, a Loving God, a Caring God and the list goes on. There are 99 attributes of Allah. Once you believe CORRECTLY, Allah will remove the veil from your heart and His light will enter it. You must believe that Allah knows what is best for us. The above are just some of the ingredients for you to have comfort and ease in your life. I know it is a lot to digest. Insha Allah, take notes

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina, I did it again. I lost a comment. Sigh

    But, about comfort and ease, Allah only promises it to the Believers. So we have to make sure we are one. Those who aren’t believers don’t get tested. They get respite and punishment. There is a difference between a Muslim (who can fall in the ranks of an unbeliever) and a Muslim/Believer. Allah says that He does not treat the Believers and the unbelievers alike.

    The comfort and ease comes when we have Faith and we Believe. We must believe all that is in the Holy Quran. The comfort and ease is constant. The tests/trials will continue. The tests are easier to get through though, as Allah takes us through them. We come out victorious. It’s because we surrender to Him and let His will be done. It’s very beautiful to know He is doing everything.

    The believer will be tested till the day he or she dies. We’ll still get put in situations that are painful and challenging, but as I said, they are easier to pass and they make us stronger. We learn where we’re weak at and need work. Then we work on it and we grow. Then we have more tests. We pass them eventually and grow, constantly growing nearer to Allah spiritually.

    You asked if I have had ease following all the craziness that was going on in my life way back when. Yes. When I began to believe and put into practice what I know. I’ve been comfortable and life has been easy. It’s a beautiful feeling. The tests are no longer overwhelming or insurmountable.

    Once you get to the point of having comfort and ease in your life, you find joy in your heart. Islam is all about peace. You get that peace. Life is beautiful and you’re happy. Allah promises it to the Believer. We must first believe.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I understand when you said you used to think a certain way about people and their problems when you were young and immature. I’ve been there and done that. I know exactly what you mean. I used to think peoples lives were so jacked up and they had so many issue, but not ME. Oooh, no, my life would never be like it. My life was going to be perfect, so I thought. Well, we get wake-up calls LOL You are so right that everyone gets their turn. All they need to do is keep living and it’s a coming. Their moment will arrive.

    The big test is whether we pray and persevere as Allah tells us to do when a calamity or misfortune hits us. Are we patient? As you said, it’s one thing to know what we are supposed to do when were in a jam. It is another thing to put it into action and do it. It easy to say we know and have got it down pack. We, however, don’t know how we’ll react until the trial hits us. It’s when we need to put what we learned into practice. When I got hit HARD, I didn’t immediately put what I knew into practice. I let what was happening overwhelm and consume me. If we do it, nothing works in our favor. We’ve got to do what Allah tells us.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I had written you another post earlier that’s not here. I don’t know what the heck I did to lose it SMH Insha Allah, I’ll be back shortly to rewrite it.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2016

    Jasmina, you are not asking too many questions at all. They are good questions.

    YOU don’t make a shift in your life after the test is over – if it’s ever over. The shift comes from Allah. It naturally happens. As long as you are sincere, remember Allah, do what He says, believing correctly (belief in his decrees – that he wrote the script for you before you were born. You and no one else has any say in it) you worry far less. You accept what Allah places you in. You stand up and act when it’s time – in situations in which He tells us to act. The comfort and ease comes only when Allah give it to us and it comes about when we have Faith and believe.

    When you read the Quran, which is best to read at Fajr time, read as much as is easy for you, even if it’s just one, two or three ayat (verses). Ayah (a verse) is a sign from Allah. Seek Allah’s protection from Satan the accursed before you begin to read the Quran. Ask Allah to teach you and to give you understanding. Be consistent. What you don’t understand, don’t worry. Insha Allah, eventually Allah will give you understanding.

    I have felt ease since coming through the big bang LOL. I still have tests/trials. They are easier for me to get through. I see them for what they are. I turn to Allah for help and guidance to get through them. They are definitely not of the magnitude that I went through before. What I went through before was heavy duty because I didn’t have the Faith that I now have. Faith takes you through it…

    Insha Allah, I’ll chat more with you later. I’m going back to bed for now… Salaam

  • Jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Ana

    That is soo deep thank you for sharing. You have been through what a lot of us are facing today. Just when we sit and relax drama knocks on the door. Sounds like you had to go through a lot of pain to be able to say what you said now. Only someone who has been through something painful can see life in that way. I used to get angry at my parents and people who would not get over their drama and who woulds live depressed and with problems, why can’t they just be happy, I didn’t understand how emotional pain or guilt or shame worked. I was so young and immature and now I look towards those who have had much pain to learn from them. I roll my eyes at anyone who talks as though life is so easy, their moment will come and I wwish I could warn them, but we have Quran and subhanAllah reading about patience and perseverance is completely out the window when we are unexpectedly struck with a trial. It’s not until we make the effort to understand and put uran into practice that life starts to ease.

    Now you say Allah promises us ease and comfort…. Does that mean no more pain and trial? What do we have to do exactly? Where to start. I WANT THAT, EASE AND COMFORT. How I’d you go about shifting your life around after your big test? Sorry if I’m asking too many questions, I’m just eager to know more so I can take from what you have learned so and try to apply it in a much shorter time span. I have read your advice that give regularly regarding Allah, I want to know what steps you took to get there. You said to began to apply all from Quran… I understand that.

    Also after you came through that test and saw light at the end of the tunnel did more tests come your way or did you feel that ease every since?

  • Jasmina

    January 16, 2016

    Gail

    Thank you. It hasn’t been full of roses thus marriage, I feel I can hang on still and try even when I’m pushed back 10 steps. I will try work on my marriage more. its so much hard work… Why can’t a husband just be easy without the drama. Their way of showing feelings stinks, I wish they had no feelings at all sometimes, just be neutral.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Lynnette,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam! It’s always good to hear from you, Sis. I was thinking about you. I thought about you when the other Fatima~ was here and wrote just recently. I haven’t heard from Laila. I pray all is good with you and you are well.

    Yes, dear Jenny. She was a piece of work. Some loved her and some loathed her. She was a character. She kept the blog interesting I wish her well, as well.

  • Lynnette

    January 15, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, all….

    The mere mention of Jenny makes me tremble. That “insanity” left a lasting memory. I do wish her well, though.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    Gail,

    Woman, you know your stuff (about Ob/Gyn). WOW!!! I’m impressed.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    jasmina,

    I will share a little about me without going into much detail. As you know, life for the Muslim/Believer is about growing nearer to Allah. Years ago I was Muslim, learning and living Islam. I thought I had it going on. I had little trials and tests back then, but I got through them. I had my buddy (Wali) there helping me along the way by mentoring me. So, nothing was ever monumental to the point I couldn’t handle it. I had his family. They were always there for me and I was always there for them.

    I thought I had it all together. And them BAM, it hit me. I didn’t know what a test was until I got the real heavy, duty one. It hit me like a ton of bricks. When Allah asks, do we think that we will not be tested like those who came before us (the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and the first generation of Muslims)? Well, I guess I did, cuz I certainly wasn’t expecting what I got. It knocked me out. It seemed I forgot all that I had learned in my Islamic studies.

    When I got hit with the BIG test that I didn’t see coming, I began to behave and think just like any other joe blow who wasn’t getting their way and didn’t see reality (Allah). It took years for me to get to where I am today. I had to live it and learn it. I had to put into effect all that I learned from reading the Holy Quran. Only then did Allah begin to give me the comfort and ease that He promises a Believer.

    Allah promises us comfort and ease in this life. We have to do all that he says and most of all BELIEVE in Him. Believe all that He tells us. As I mentioned before, we need to have the meat and the potatoes. We need the substance. Substance is believing only He, Allah who is God, has power. He created the Universe. He created you and me. We are just a speck compared to all that is in the universe. Allah has no partners. People act as though they are little mini gods. They think they are in control and make things happen. They make themselves equal to Allah. He doesn’t like it. He says he has cursed the people who don’t believe. He says He is an enemy to them. He says He will humiliate them and abase them to be the lowest of the low. He says He will bring down a mount of calamities on them. Sigh. Allah is no joke!

  • Gail

    January 11, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I loved your post and u really do seem to have your head screwed on right.
    U just do exactly what u have said and things are going to work out fine.People think going into marriage it is all romance and everything is always coming up roses but that is far from the truth.If u want a great marriage u have to work at it.Marriage is a job like anything else and what u put into it is what u r going to get out of it.Hang in there and be loving but firm in your convictions and u will start to see solid ground in your marriage.Your Awesome Hang in there!

  • Gail

    January 11, 2016

    Mari2,

    I am just assuming about Jenny’s sperm situation.I never worked in the infertility field to truly know for certain.I can only just assume.

  • Gail

    January 11, 2016

    Mari2 and Ana,

    Ladies I can only assume that Jenny did”Sperm Washing Technique” How this works is they collect the mans sperm with a HCV,AIDS and put in a centrifuge and spin it down.The centrifuge will separate everything.At the top of the vial u will have Seminal fluids and in the middle u will have other other cells hen at the bottom of the vial u will have the sperm.They then take half the sperm and test it for HCV or ADIS (whatever virus the patient has) and the other half they will freeze for possible in vitro fertilization.It is to simple really as far as sperm washing goes.I worked in OBGYN and blood banking for over a decade and I centrifuged blood on a daily basis but never actually did any sperm washing.I will tell u this though u can tell alot from a spinning down a vial of blood.I could tell by looking at the serum after spinning if they had a cholesterol problem or not.Early on when working in OBGYN I got a really nasty serum spin and I did spin the vial a second time.After getting the same cloudy milky serum I went and caught the doctors walking down the hallway and told them something was up with this patients cholesterol and they both looked at each other and busted out laughing at me like was a $tupid @$$.They then humored me and said where did u learn this at because this is first time we r hearing this(again humoring me/making fun).I told them I was taught this from the head doctor of our Countries Blood supply.I then said look I saw it I told u what u do with this information is your business my conscience is clear and walked back to my office.Not 5 minutes later here comes the Doc who’s patient I reported to him the problem and he told me to go ahead and run a lipid panel on the patient but charge the clinic not the patient.Well long story short her lip panel was off the charts and he called her in and come to fin out her dad had died and all her brothers died early deaths age 45 and under of heart attacks.That same doctor came to me and told me the entire story after and told me that was an amazing call and anytime in the future i get anything that looks suspicious to run the lipid panel and the other doc spoke up and told me to do on his patients as well.
    hahhah sorry I got off on my own centrifuge story!

    Ana I will tell my son in the morning that u wished him a happy Birthday! He had a great Birthday! I took all 3 little ones for skating and then back home for homemade chinese and Cake and icecream! The other night hubby and I took them to Logans Steak house where they boys ordered Steak and Lobster and our daughter ordered a 11 oz huge steak(she ate all the steak plus her 2 sides plus a roll).Hubby and I bought him a huge submarine and a flying radio control dragon.I just love Birthdays!!

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2016

    Awww, jasmina, your post brought tears to my eyes. You are such a sweetheart. You are doing so well. Everything will be good for you. You’ll see. You’re doing really good. I know you feel so good making steady progress. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. I would write more, but it’s almost 1:00 a.m. where I am. I’m going to go watch part of a movie on Netflix until I drift off to sleep, Insha Allah LOL Chat with you later…

  • jasmina

    January 10, 2016

    Ana

    thats beautiful how you see life now. i am in the middle of coming through that realisation myself… it is the only thing that has removed my depression. i realised just like you that if i had as you say had thw right belief things would have been different nevertheless if i hadnt realised tjis now things would be worae and i would still be in a fog. i am nit yet through the realisation process and so it s so nice to read this from someone who has. its great that is your only deal breaker and your marriage is solid. i remember years ago you would discuss the trivial things that get us down in poligamy like what i am experiencing now but you have come such a long way in growth and iman. it gives me so much hope and somehow eagerness to speed up the process to get there myself.

    yes thank you for giving me a different perspective Gail and Ana. i will stay in my marriage. if we can iron out some wrinkles then it would be a great marriage. my husband is a good man. my son loves him now. i will try to make this work inshaAllah. why should i have to walk away each time. happened before and it wont happen again. it should have to get very bad for someone to leave a marriage like abuse or cheating as not practicing Islam properly. i always believed that but because i have divorced him before it just seems easier to go there again.

    ok so my plan is to wait until i can see he is more stable financially. i will try earn money to save up. and then i will bring up the baby topic and if he doesnt want then i will tell him that he needs to honour our marriage agreement and i will not be going on contraception any longer and if he feels strongly about it then he can use contraception but i will not do anything to prevent it and then its up to Allah. i am very weak yes no so much because of what i have read its just me. i have learnt to stand up for myself recently and its getting better. it was bad at one point though where i was being too disrespectful. i want to balance it out now for our sanity and be demanding in a nice way. im still learning.

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    Thanks Ana for your continued encouragement

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    Lol Ana. Birth control and fertility treatments do not differ so much.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Mari2,

    You have a good attitude and the best! You know it’s all Allah’s decision. He knows what is best for us. If Allah wanted you to have another child, nothing could have prevented it. It’s all good. You’ve got so much going for you. You have knowledge that matters. You’re going to make out better than the whole lot of them. You’ve got it going on. Keep the Faith. Don’t let anything get you down.

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    There in lies my questions. Just always wondered. No harm or foul intended. I did like Jenny and the advice she had to offer. And like her I too know that I am an unwanted wife per family/mommy decisions. And while M and I tried and due to my age I miscarried, so failed to gain my “I had a kid” entrée into the innermost circle, I am okay. And stronger because I learned to rely upon Allah, not culture. It’s been a painful lesson physically, but I am sooo very glad that Allah was here with me and gave me the lesson. I’ve learned so much because of HIM.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Okay, Mari2. You’re enlightening me :-) You’d know more about pregnancy than I know. I never had children, never wanted any, never tried to have any and never took the time to research what it take to have them, if a woman can’t. I’ve research birth control methods over the years though LOL.

    What you’ve said is all very interesting. I hear what you’ve said. I’m tracking…

    I wonder if any of it crossed Gail’s mind. Gail – anybody home??? She’s probably partying with the birthday boy

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    No way his sperm would be used even if interferon therapy was used(which Jenny said). Interferon therapy is like chemo. She already alluded to donor eggs in a conversation with me. But she never mentioned the Hep C infection of hubby and his ability to produce viable swimmers after serious treatments for Hep C. along with his advanced age. I am old just like her and while I am aware of the inroads in the Czech Republic with regards to fertility treatments, I am also aware of their requirements and limitations.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Mari2, I don’t know anything about IVF other than what the ladies have said about it here on the blog. You raised a good question about infected sperm. Although, I can’t see her getting a donor’s sperm. It would defeat the purpose of her having her husband’s children. She’s not a child lover who would want a child and not care whose sperm it was just as long as she could have a child. It sounds nasty – a donor’s sperm yuck. I don’t know what went down with it. On the other hand, I know she was truthful about somethings. She did go to the countries she said she was going for the procedure and she bought property that she said she bought. I’m sadden that things went down the way they did they lead to her having to leave the blog. I wouldn’t mind her being back here. There are other people I just can’t stomach and have no compassion for. I’m glad they are off the blog.

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    As for Jenny I do miss her on one level but there were always things from her story that I could not wrap my head around. Never mind the herpes, the hubby had Hep C. That’s a really contagious STD. So for all the IVF, was his Hep C infected sperm used or did they use a donor? I’ve wondered this for years.

  • Mari2

    January 10, 2016

    Jasmina,
    I am sure it was hard to hear your husband tell you that he wanted no kids with you then your co got pregnant by him. Perhaps you should calmly tell him how you feel. Something like: I felt hurt when you told me that you wanted no kids with me then allowed yourself to impregnate her. Please explain this to me so that I can try to understand.

    Perhaps this new pregnancy was not what he wanted either. Your co is certainly going to go through some physical issues with breastfeeding one while sustaining a pregnancy. That kind of thing really takes a toll on a woman’s body.

    As for an exit plan…you really should have your own resources available in case you may need them. Your son certainly comes first. And providing for him in a pinch should be your priority. Don’t look at it from a divorce angle, look at it like if something terrible should befall your husband, how are you going to pick up the financial slack? Do you have at least 3 months of cost of living saved up? Do you have a credit card in your name in case of emergency? Do you know what provisions your husband has made for you in case of his untimely demise? Do you have a vehicle or bank account in your own name? I don’t see plan B, exit plans as a bad thing. It’s better to over plan than have no plan and then be side swiped by life.

    Leverage is not just a marriage certificate, it’s the ability to know that you will be fine if your husband leaves by any means, his or HIS.

    And a piece of advice: when a man knows that you want him but don’t NEED him, he changes his attitude.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Gail,

    Getting back to what you asked about women being vocal. It’s upsetting that men are supposed to be the maintainers and protectors of WOMEN not wives, all women, but they do the opposite. The only thing most could tell women is to be obedient to men. Many Muslim husbands tell their wives to obey them or the wives won’t go to Jannah. The wives, not knowing any better, obey the husbands in everything they say, question nothing, walk about like robots and probably won’t go to Jannah anyhow because they didn’t worship and obey Allah. They worshiped and obeyed their husbands.

    It’s sad, I read an article this morning in which a Muslim woman, put on her brave face and went to a Donald Trump rally there to demonstrate peace was escorted from the rally. There was another incident in the news last year in which a Muslim woman went to a rally to let the republicans know that Muslims are peaceful people only to get humiliated. Where are the Muslim men voices?

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-35273041

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Gail,

    Give your little handsome young lad a very happy 10th birthday from your Internet buddies, and may all his dreams come true. Give him a big hug from me.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Someone on this blog once said, “It’s some female repressive bullsh!t”

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2016

    Gail,

    In the Quran it is said that when an oppressive wrong is done to us , we are not to be cowed, but defend ourselves. Unfortunately, oppressors in Muslim countries, scholars and sheiks et. al. don’t want anyone to know what is said in the Holy Quran. They want to feed everyone, especially, women, oppressive bull crap to keep women subservient to men. They don’t want anyone to learn for themselves because knowledge is power. Many Muslim women fall for the okie doke and get screwed literally and figuratively. Muslims women need to grow some balls. They need to stand up an be counted. No one respects a meally mouth wimp.

  • Gail

    January 10, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I totally agree with Ana if your heart is saying to stay the by all means stay with him and work on things in your marriage.I use to feel the same as u that if I stayed with my husband I was just wasting yrs of my life but in reality that was far from the case.I look back now and I see that not one day was wasted to stay with him.I learned so many life lessons.Yes I could have taken a different path and those days would not have been wasted either.We r here to learn and to experience life so no day is wasted.U can’t say 100% that u will divorce your husband and u will get better unfortunately the odds don’t work that way.I will say this though it is pretty much 100% that your son will not get better than his dad and u know that and that is why your heart says to stay.On the flip side say u r 50 then what if you husband leaves u then u will just stay with your son not a biggy or remarry.What I am trying to say is IF u think your husband wants to divorce u then get the exit plan together if u don’t trust him and for sure secure your son and his college etc… Be honest with your husband and don’t cowered to him tell him straight u expect at least one more kid and u expect for him to get with the program.
    Look he is just being a big BRAT basically so find your voice and tell him straight what u r willing to live with and what u r not.DO NOT give him wiggle room for him to bring divorce up like it is an actual option.
    I might be wrong here but u come across as not really standing up to your husband and telling what u expect(I could be wrong but the way u worded him telling u he is not having more kids and u can divorce him makes me think u don’t open your mouth a scream lol) I give u an example if my husband said that to me the very next words out of my mouth would be “Who do u think u are and u have lost your D@mn mind” Now granted I am not going to lie knowone and I mean knowone gets up in my face telling me anything! Now granted I have nerves of steel I am not going to lie but I am a very firm believer that if u r in the right u have every right to stand up and say HEY u r doing wrong and u r not going to suppress me!
    Ok so that is my feelings about your situation I personally think u did wrong and are doing wrong to let your husband speak to u in a demeaning manner and u should not take that.Listen if u want your son to respect women then u have to show him how a women is to be treated and respected by not letting your husband dictate your own life to u and by standing up and sometimes telling your husband how it’s really going to go down.Now I don’t know what the Quran says about a wife speaking up when she is being plotted against(which i feel u r in your case) but think about what i said seriously because u don’t have to get a divorce to get what u want understand.
    I don’t know about u but if my husband said to me what your husband did “no More Kids” I would for sure take a mental note that he doesn’t love or respect me in the manner that husband should love and respect a wife esp… when the other wife is pregnant.
    ok I am done! hahahhaha I would personally rather see u stay and fight for your rights and open your mouth than see u up and divorce a second time.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2016

    jasmina,

    You said your heart isn’t in it when it comes to leaving your husband, but your mind is. I’d say go with your heart. If it’s time for a person to leave the marriage, the person would know it. It’s not their decision. It’s Allah’s decision. Allah will put the person in the right mindset and position to leave. You don’t have to wrack your brain about it. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. Relax your brain. Stop thinking so much about packing up and flying the coop. You can’t think about making your marriage work while thinking so hard about fleeing it.

    The exit plan is really for those with abusive husbands who fear the husbands will kill them or maim them or something to that effect, if the woman leaves. It’s for those who think the father may take the child and abscond with it, as well. Do the basics with regard to the Passport for your child, get yourself a bank account in order, and don’t depend so much on your husband. He’s not your life… Put your faith and trust in Allah and you’ll be okay. Is it your desires that are making you unhappy? You must take time to analyze your life. Remember why we are on this planet earth.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2016

    jasmina,

    Gail said something to you that is very, very important. She said be cautious about moving on (remarrying). You must consider your son. Not many men will accept other men’s children as their own. Many men mistreat other men’s children. If you were to marry and have children with the new husband, he may very well treat your and his children good, while mistreating your son from your former marriage. I think you’ll be okay, as you stated, your biggest concern is your son. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2016

    jasmina,

    Jenny didn’t convert to Islam, although she talked about it for a hot minute, It didn’t happen. She is straight up follower of Judaism.

    The only deal breaker that I have as far as my husband is concerned has to do with Islam. If he were to tell me that he is not Muslim any longer or if he didn’t appear to be as in he abandoned his salats, didn’t eat Halal foods, for example, I’m out of the marriage. It’s the only deal breaker that I have now.

    There was a time he talked about us moving out of the State that we live have lived in our entire life to move to a less expensive one. That was a major issue at one time. I was firm in not moving. There is no need for it any longer. That subject is a non-issue now. We are stationed here in the State in which we live and our feet are planted firmly. We ain’t going no where are far as I can see (Allah is the Best of Planners though) It’s his and my intention, anyhow.

    About me being through a lot, jasmina, I realize I took myself through it. Many people will get upset and want to chop your head off if you say they lack belief. I get it. No one wants to be called an unbeliever. We must, however, face truth and facts. I will tell you that when I was going through my thing; although, I had the knowledge my belief was very weak. I wasn’t living what I believed. Belief is in the heart and the mind. I’m not talking the superficial stuff that most Muslim want to talk about the lingo (Islamic words spoken that’s universal) or the eat with your right hand and take your left shoe off first minor cultural stuff. I’m talking the meat and potatoes – believing in what Allah tells us. I’m talking the to know and feel in our hearts what Allah says in the Holy Quran is true. He and only He has power. He makes things happen. He rules and manages our affairs. If my faith was strong and I accepted Allah’s decrees I would not have gone through what I did. I take full responsibility for what I went through. I totally believe in the motto, as well, that, “whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

    My husband and my marriage is solid as a rock. He and I both have grown closer together in love and matrimony. It couldn’t have happened without Faith. I needed to go through what I did to get where I am today.

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2016

    Gail,

    I like the recommendations that you gave jasmina. It’s important for women with children married to Muslim men to get their ducks in a row especially with regard to the children. In the line of work I was in, I saw it all. I’m familiar with the “Exit Plan” from helping out victims of domestic violence when I worked in that unit for a number of years. Some victims lives were in danger when they planned to leave their husbands. When in the Juvenile/Missing Person’s unit, I dealt with parental abductions. Husbands took the children and fled to another country. There wasn’t much that could be done once the child was out of the States. The Mother usually had to do the leg work and go to the other country in an effort to get the child back. The key is to prevent the child from leaving the country, which it’s important for the child to have a passport that can be flagged. You made a good point about the passport for a child. Anyhow, I want to leave that part of my life in the past as much as possible. I’ve retired from it and the stress. I’ve moved on. When people want to talk detective shop talk to me anymore, I’ve got amnesia LOL

  • jasmina

    January 9, 2016

    thanks ladies… i will get an exit plan together.. which shall b plan B also should we part ways. thanks for the tips. lots i had not thought about. my biggest concern is my son. thanks gail i do feel young too but i fear that i will decide to finally leave when im in my 50s after anotjer miserable 20 years… the moat indecisive person. my heart says stay, my head says leave, sigh.

    wow Ana you are confident mashallah i wish i could be that way. you have already been through a lot, but what are your deal breakera other than a marriage license?

    i remember Jenny, she has twins and was very outspoken. it dis seem like you got along very well and wondered what happened to her. dis she end up converting to Islam?

  • Gail

    January 9, 2016

    Ana,

    Yes an Exit Plan is the perfect name to call it.Jasmina mentioned she was under 30 (what I consider very young) so I wanted to highlight things she should seriously consider doing before she ups and opens her mouth to him before getting all her ducks in a row.So man young women(myself included walk out of marriages leaving alot behind that they should be taking with just because they don’t have an Exit Plan.It’snot Kool because they have small children relying on them and alot of times the fathers act nasty to the mothers after they leave them and don’t help with support etc…

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2016

    Gail,

    I’m feeling you (I get what you’re saying). I call it having leverage. I see a marriage license as leverage. I would never suggest that a wife gives up a Marriage License to make some other woman legal – not in a millions years. I’d tell a woman that if he divorces her to have the wives all on a level playing field with none having a license, I wouldn’t go for it. If my husband and I were to divorce, he better not come sniffing around me because I am moving on. I am secure enough to know I can get another husband without a problem – a young one too. I don’t mean to toot my own horn. I’m just keeping it real. Of course Allah knows best what would actually happen.

    I call what you described in planning to leave a marriage – an exit plan.

  • Gail

    January 8, 2016

    Ana and Jasmina & ladies,

    Alot of times when I say I would Beat the Hell on my husband if he pulled some crap I don’t all the time mean I would literally beat him although I won’t lie I have beat the hell on my husband a few times in our married life but really what I mean more is don’t let your husband bully u.I love the saying “get all your ducks in a row!” before u up and fill him in u r leaving and divorcing him.Get the kids passports,get a job,save money(get your own checking account with only YOUR name and put a secret password on the account so your hubby can’t get into it),put vehicles in your name only,If u own a home get all information/dirt on him and your cowife and make any excuse to get him to sign a quick deed claim on the home giving up all his rights to the home hire a good attorney.Never be crazy and just leave always think ahead is my sincere advice and don’t feel bad for your husband because u really didn’t choose to leave him as much as he made a the choice to leave u and force u to divorce him.I learned so much from my first marriage.I don’t know how other ladies on the blog feel about this(well I guess I know how Fatima feels LOL) but this is for sure how I feel about it.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2016

    Gail,

    I agree 100% with all that you said about Jenny. I think you summed her life up accurately. It boiled down to her being very insecure. I believe her husband is no different than any other Pakistani male, married to a foreigner. He sucks up to her to keep getting what he wants by pretending the moon, the sun, the stars and all the planets rise and set around her. There is not that much love in the world and she knows it. I do miss her. I liked her. She is welcome back here. I know with all that went down with what happened with me, my identity and hers, it’s too risky for her to talk here. You, she and I had good times here together.

  • Gail

    January 8, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Yes exactly u leave him alone and just get your own ducks in a row.DON”T and I repeat DON”T have more kids if he don’t want with u.My G.D not do u up and Die then your kids r going to him and cowife and I just would not be willing to play that card if I am u.Also u need to think if u want him raising your son in case u should die or will u give your son your parents to raise.U need to think about these things.If your cowife don’t like u then I am wondering if she would be loving to your son should anything happen to u.I am just trying to make u stop and think and tread carefully now knowing he don’t want more kids.
    As far as him saying she could not get pregnant during breastfeeding well obviously u can.The point that she got pregnant is not a big deal the fact that he lied about it and did not tell u when he lowered the boom on u that night that he was not having more kids because he already knew she was pregnant correct?
    Anyway just let the BS go for now and focus on u and your son and making a career for yourself.I would confide in your mother what has happened and that u are thinking to let him go for good.
    Jasmina I think the reason u had trouble before finding another husband was because u were not mentally ready u still had feelings for your husband even though u guys were divorced that time.I believe that a person can only truly move on and close the door when they r ready and not before.This time if u decide to leave him make up your mind this will be for ever deal and don’t go back.If u decide to stay then leave the idea of having more children and focus on a career and your son.
    You will have to access how much having another child means to u and if u r willing to take your son and walk away.U r still young but I would advice u not to wait so long because men want younger wives on average and u r still young enough u can get another husband but again on the flip side u are going to have to put your son first and make darn sure if u do divorce that if u remarry your second husband will a million percent accept your son.U have alot to think over.
    I have divorced once and remarried this is my second marriage and I had one son that I brought into my second marriage and my son and my husband do not get along.My first husband is deceased(he died 3 yrs ago).My first husband was a huge problem between my son and my husband and myself so again keep in your mind as u r thinking about divorce how much trouble would your husband give u in regards to wanting to see and visit his son and would he make trouble in your new marriage?
    Also if u decide on divorce get all the info u can on his other wife and kids and their marriage so when u go to court u r armed and ready and try to get him to give u sole custody of your son.Also if u don’t have a passport for your son and u live in USA get a passport for your son.Tell him anything to get him to sign for the passport just to save yourself a headache later on if your son doesn’t have a passport because in USA both parents have to sign for a passport OR u have to have sole custody but save yourself a headache and get all your ducks in a row before u just up and leave Play smart is my advice.

  • Gail

    January 8, 2016

    Ana,

    Oh girl I agree with a million percent I am not going to sit here and lie and say when i married my own husband the thought didn’t cross my mind a time or two that I should have more kids than him and his 1st wife although after I thought about it I realized real quick that is stupid to act like that and I should enjoy the kids I had.I do wish I would have had another daughter so my daughter would have had a sister but it was not in my luck it seems.
    As far as Jenny goes it goes to show it don’t matter how much money u have it can’t stop insecurities from sneaking up on u.Although in Jenny’s case I really believe her insecurities came from her mother inlaw and her cowife not accepting her nor her stepchildren.I am sure it hurts her not to be accepted by her husbands family.Then to top it off he sends them gifts and communicates with them knowing he don’t accept her(it’s hurtful on alot of levels).I know she has been gone awhile now but i do think of her often and pray for her.I can’t explain it but I felt a kinship with her because she has the same exact life that I have.I don’t think for a New York second he gave Talaq to his first wife and she is still living and caring for his mother no way on earth I by that story.Jenny being a lawyer has learned to act calm cool and collected but my sincere guess was she was shocked $hitless when i come on telling my story and her comparing my story with her own.I noticed her husband was not on the up and up with her when she mentioned he was sending cell phones,computers etc… back to pakistan and he tried to send her 2,000 dollar computer( i think she said it cost) but it was her personal computer and he tried to send it back and when she called him out on it he brushed it off by saying she could get a new one.I new that day he is all about his Pakistani family and it is not going to matter if Jenny birthed 100 more kids that was never going to change.Jenny knew it to but either she couldn’t connect the dots or it was something she was not willing to admit to herself because then she would have to admit she was never getting her husband 100% for herself.
    I am just speculating but I had all these emotions and went through exactly what Jenny went through and i struggled with all these emotions.So I assume by the way she was acting(thats why I pushed her at times) to try to open up about it and let her know hey it is ok not to be perfect 24/7.
    She said she was not upset he gave her herpes by saying she now knows he would not sleep with another woman(that was just her insecurities talking).U said u always wondered why she was here on the blog and I believe the blog was really her only real outlet to talk about her life even thought she tried to sugar coat it.
    I feel she has had to sugar coat her life to her family and friends to justify marrying her husband and after marriage she realized that he scammed her in the fact that his 1st wife was not going anywhere and she somehow was trying to cope with that knowledge alone because obviously she could never confide in her family the family that at first acted like she was dead.Oh my gosh how I did I get off on Jenny!lol

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2016

    Jasmina,

    No problema. Sometimes I get caught up in my mind, trying to figure things out, thinking maybe it’s this or maybe it’s that and then I come back to what is real. I just don’t know what it is unless I’m there and it’s happening to me. Sigh. It takes work to stay grounded. Sometimes, I think a thing is something and then there is evidence that it is not. It’s why we’re here helping one another. {{{hugs}}}

    We can’t even trust our senses. We can only trust Allah.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2016

    Thanks for the advice Ana

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2016

    Jasmina,

    We all get caught up in speculating from time to time. We guess about what is going on. Maybe your husband and the other wife didn’t know she could get pregnant while breastfeeding. We don’t know all the facts when we voice our views on this blog. I wasn’t aware she was breastfeeding. Perhaps she didn’t plan another child. We know Allah did. Perhaps your husband is overwhelmed with her breastfeeding one child and about to give birth to another. We really don’t know what’s going on other than that Allah planned it all and He is the Master Planner. Your co-wife may not be out to out do you with babies. Only Allah knows what is truly going on.

    You would do good to get your life, meaning make your intent to do things that will make you happier. Don’t rely on your husband to make you happy. Only Allah could give you happiness. You haven’t wasted any years of your life. Your life is the way Allah wrote the script.

  • jasmina

    January 8, 2016

    oh ye he told me. and said he didnt know she could have a child as she is breastfeeding number 2.

  • jasmina

    January 8, 2016

    Gail i am feeling so dumbfounded and numb. just over it. trying to just be happy and move on with my life… i have a couple of years before im 30 so i want to have fun before i hit that number as i have spent all my 20s depressed. im sick of the double standards. after 6 months i will revisit the baby plan and see if he has a change of heart. over next 6 months i hope to get a job or make a profitable business so if i have to leave then i can have some savings. people tell me to jist have a baby without him knowing but i cannot do that to that baby, i want him to be wanted by his father. i have given up all my dreams and all my teenage and adult life for this man and of he cannot sacrifice this for me then he doesnt deserve me. i need a husband. i hope he will come through for me inshaAllah. im making lots of dua too as only Allah can change peoples hearts. 1 baby or 10, my position is the same as my co… if he or the co 1 minute think that more babies makes them hold a higher wifely position then they are brutes. its morally wrong if they act on these thoughts and deprive me of my rights because i have less kids. only time will tell.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2016

    Gail,

    I wrote a reply to you earlier and lost it. Boo hoo :-(

    I could see Jasmina being upset that her husband would tell her that he wants no more children, but here his other wife is pregnant. He very well may be tired, if his other was sexing him up all the time, trying to get pregnant. I really think men should know a lot of babies may come with the territory when he becomes polygamous.

    What really was an eye opener is the sister who has eight kids and the cos have kids as well. WOW. I’m going to say it again that I think the “Baby War” comes into play with the younger women who first marry in a polygamous marriage. I don’t know what Jenny was thinking about at her age, having all those babies when her co was in Pakistan and wasn’t a threat. The co in Pakistan wasn’t anyone that I could see worth the trouble of competing with. Those are just my thoughts about it.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Ana,

    Did u see that one coming with Jasmina’s husband????? Jasmina floored me with that one.I never thought in a million yrs the cowife could actually be pregnant!!!
    Well so much for the theory of him being tired hahahahah Boy talk about some NERVE that guy has!I hope she found out by him confessing to her at least.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Well slap me upside the head I sure didn’t see that one coming that your cowife could be pregnant.How did u find out? How r u feeling about this? I am just sitting here shaking my head in disbelief.I am really sorry u have to put up with this crap from him.He couldn’t even be honest and tell u the real reason.He is not even my husband and I want to strangle him for being so deceiving to u.I don’t know about u but being deceived and lied to is the one thing I just will not tolerate(it makes me fighting MAD).
    I don’t know if u can or not but u should concentrate on not letting him deceive u or lie to u about anything.There is just no Godliness or Holiness in it as far as I am concerned.You may see it different not sure but I am sure curious what u r thinking after this little bomb of info.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2016

    ummu katheer,

    I made an error in my writing to you. I said I had six siblings. I should have said I had 5. There were six of us. I’ve lost one to breast cancer not so very long ago :-( Still, six of us felt like a lot LOL

  • Jasmina

    January 7, 2016

    Walaikum sallam Umm Katheer

    Thank you for sharing your perspective, it does make me feel better. I imagine my husband sitting with co and their kids laughing and enjoying hours together as a family… Lol… I guess that may not be the case, it’s probabky chaos. I do love the time my husband and I have when he is around to give me. Our mornings are quiet. Nights are quiet. No crying kids or noise… My son is quiet. I will try make The very most of these moments InshaAllah and if Allah blesses me with another baby alhamdulillah inshallah I can make the most of those moments also.

    MashaAllah that you hav 8 children. Your hubby must love kids to have more with cos. It’s great that everything has worked out for you in the end regarding this. Alhamdulillah

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2016

    ummu katheer, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome!

    Thank you for your kind words. I pray Allah continues to reward, bless and guide you, as well. It so good to have you here with us.

    Oh, my, you’ve got eight children. May Allah bless your soul and your children’s as well. What a blessing it must be to have such a large family. I had six siblings growing up. I thought it was a lot LOL

    I understand how you were jealous of your co-wives having “quality time” with all of you wives’ husband when they had no children. As you know, it was just Satan telling you they were having the time of their lives with him. Only they know what they were doing. They could have spent the majority of time quarreling. Allah knows best what they were doing and how much fun they had. It’s why it’s nice when people tell us not to go there. It’s the type of reminder I like people to give me. Tell me to stay focused on what is real.

    It’s so good that you were able to recognize what you were feeling and thinking to know it was wrong and you wanted to do better. Alhumdulliah things got better for you. Now you wives and the children all on the same page, as you stated. I’m so happy for you. Again, I’m glad you’re here with us. Share whatever you’d like and jump in when you get so inspired, Insha Allah. :-)

  • ummu katheer

    January 6, 2016

    As Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

    Ana, may Allah reward you for keeping us this site and May He continue to guide you and us all Ameen!

    @ Jasmina,
    I felt your heart in your reply. May Allah make it easy on you, us all and reward us for the trial of polygyny, as He knows best that it is certainly a big trial for many of us.

    I have eight children with my husband and the subsequent two also have between them a few children mashallah. Personally,even tthough I had and have themost from before he remarried and now, my jejealousy was worse when they ddidn’t have any children. This was bbecause I had and still do desire to have quality timealone with the husband and because of many circumstances, that is and hasn’t been the case. So I was jealous initially when they married because of their’ free’ time and life without children. Allah gives who He wills. Now that they have children, it’s much easier for me to deal with my feelings. I just wanted to add that perspective.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2016

    Alison,

    Your husband is correct that a husband will be closer to the one who has the best character, BUT, IT IS ONLY IF the man, himself, is righteous. A righteous person is going to be drawn to people who are righteous. Allah says a believer will know who another believer is. A person can tell a great deal about another from their dialogue more than their actions. One only need to be with a person for a good amount of time, conversing in order to know.

    A person could pray and not be righteous. The person may just offer his salat (prayers) in public (masjid/mosque) to be seen and praised by man (as in mankind). On the other hand, a person may be seen doing things that are wrong and could still be righteous. The person could have a problem that he is struggling with (his personal jihad/battle). It doesn’t make a person unrighteous. Everyone has got some problems whether big or small.

    Children don’t guarantee the love of a husband for the mother. Husbands have been know to leave pregnant wives. Husbands have been known to become polygamous while the first and only wife is pregnant.Some people use children to support their reason for staying in a marriage, maybe it’s the real reason and maybe it’s not. Allah knows best.

  • Alison

    January 3, 2016

    Thank you so much for the much needed reminder and reality check for me I know Allah is ultimately responsible for who gets pregnant or not but sometimes it’s not an easy thing to swallow when co now has more children than you I know it’s silly when now u think hubby will love her more blah blah hubby told me something interesting men don’t care how many children they get closer to the one who has the best of character and it doesn’t matter whether I have one he doesn’t love me less
    Anyway thanks so much for this ultimately all this are just beauty for this dunya where we are all on transit ultimately its between you and Allah

  • Jasmina

    January 2, 2016

    Sallam, yes very needed…. Because guess what just found out my co wife is pregnant… Just after husband told me he will not have more children with me.

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2016

    Aisha,

    I thought it was a good theme and needed at just the right time, as many have been talking here about pregnancy/having children. Thanks for letting me know you like the write-up

  • Aisha

    January 2, 2016

    Love this ❤️