Her Husband Dislikes His Other Wife

her husband dislikes his other wifeIt’s not uncommon in polygamous marriages to hear a wife say that her husband dislikes his other wife. But is it so? She needs to know that if her husband speaks badly about his other wife, he may speak badly about her too.

What leads men to do it? Perhaps some do it when they know their wives do not like living in a polygamous marriage. They may do it to make the wife feel better and more loved.

A wife should keep in mind that if a man married a woman, it means there is something that he likes much about her. For instance, he may like her intellect; the way she looks; her sex appeal; the way she carries herself; her status in society; the culture that they share or her level of faith in Allah.

Apparently, he is with her for a reason. Of course, there will probably be some things that he does not like about her, as well. Besides, there are things that a wife dislikes about her husband, as well.

Any wife would be wrong to think of her husband’s other wife as a charity case or that he married the other one out of pity. Usually, it is not the case. Even if a husband feels a woman is in need, I’m sure there was something about it that made him feel manly and want to love, cherish and take care of her.

It possibly isn’t true when a wife says that her husband dislikes his other wife

Unless it was a shotgun marriage, meaning a father held a gun to the man’s head and said, you better marry my daughter or else, then the man most likely wanted to marry her. No man just ups and marries a woman whom he doesn’t like. And if he found out afterwards that she was that bad, he’d make his intent to divorce her.

A husband and a wife will have their differences and problems with each other. If a man tells one of his wives about the problems that he has with the other, it doesn’t mean he does not love the other. Have you heard the saying, “I love you, but I don’t like you?” At times, a husband and a wife may not like each other.

Furthermore, some men may simply not understand what is going on. But they feel a need for more wives, be it 2,3, or 4. Basically, they don’t realize that Allah chooses our mates for us.

A wife can avoid getting hurt, if she thinks along the lines that if he stays married to his other wife, he loves her. In that way she won’t set herself up for a huge fall.

Lastly, to stop thinking that her husband dislikes his other wife, she should tell him that she doesn’t want to hear his complaints about the other one. It does a wife no good to hear her husband complain about the other wife.

Please Note: Please only comment on the topic of this page. Please speak about other subjects in the assigned “Discussions” area.

Related Article:

Polygamy and Why Men Badmouth Their Wives

Books about Polygamy in Islam

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22 Comments

  • Jasmina

    November 28, 2016

    I have to agree if a man doesn’t like a woman for one reason or another it is sooo easy for him to divorce her particularly when pressured to do so.  It hurts a woman who thinks she’s the top wife to later find out that the husband won’t leave the other wife when she demands him to and won’t no matter what she does to end that marriage. I think my husband must be crazy in love with me lol no kidding the other wife has tried e-v-e-r-y-t-h-I-n-g.  Unsuccessfully. I look forward to the day she will come to terms with it all and leave us in peace. I need peace. 

  • anabellah

    November 26, 2016

    Mari2,

    You’re over here alone with Jack Nicholson LOL

    I hear you about complication when it comes to cousin marriages. It’s a whole different animal in and of itself.

    I wonder where our “Gail” is. Maybe she’ll stop back in soon. I miss her when she stays away for long. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Mari2

    November 26, 2016

    I am going to say as a woman married to a man also married to a relalive..stuff can get complicated.

     

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2016

    There is an ayah in the Quran that basically says a husband and a wife who would otherwise divorce could come to friendly agreement and stay married on friendly terms. What’s important is that they have “an agreement” and are “friendly” to each other.

    If they have that agreement , they should be living a life that’s agreeable to the two of them and they are friendly towards each other. Therefore, there should be no reason for him to speak bad of her.

    If he’s saying negative, bad things about her to others, it doesn’t sound that option is what they are living by.

    If he’s telling the one wife that he doesn’t like the other or hates the other, it’s doubtful that agreement is in place.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    Another thing to consider is that wives really hurt themselves when they think they have replaced the other wife, and he really doesn’t want the other. It’s usually not the case. It’s far more easy for a man to divorce a wife than it is for a woman to go for a divorce, as I said before.

    It’s funny. I was watching on Netflix the TV series “Scandal” the other night. A man mentioned that leading a woman to believe that he doesn’t like his wife and doesn’t have sex with her is the oldest trick in the book. So many women fall for that one. Men use it to get with the other women.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif If she feels and thinks that he doesn’t want the other, he has an easier time with her.

  • anabellah

    November 24, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, all,

    Insha Allah, you’re all having a lovely day. It’s been a beautiful one for me, Alhumdulliah!  :-)

    About the husband’s dislike of his other wife, it is an interesting topic.

    I think many times a wife PROJECTS her feelings onto her husband about the other wife. Meaning, she hates so much that he has another wife to the point that she want him to hate the other too. The husband knows just how much she hates the situation and hates the other person to the point that he goes along with leading the hateful one to believe that he actually hates the other. It’s heavy.

    She would probably be surprised to find that although there are things that he dislikes about his other wife (and there are things that she dislikes about him) all of which is normal, they have their own special relationship. And, yes, he probably has sex with her too, but wouldn’t let the other wife know because she can’t handle knowing. Many people don’t like the truth because they can’t handle the truth.

    The bottom line is:  The problem is with the wife that has the need to believe that a man dislikes, as in hates, his other WIFE. Why is it so important for her to feel the need to believe that the man dislikes his other wife? If he does, it’s his problem. Why is the other making it her problem. It’s none of her business what he’s feeling in his heart for his other wife.

    She’s got the problem in needing to convince herself that her husband doesn’t love the other. She’s not in his heart. She doesn’t know what he feels.

    Just because he shares some of his dislikes about the other doesn’t necessarily mean that he hates his other wife. The one whose getting her ears bent with the information from the husband may just be a sounding board for him to vent and release his frustrations on.

     

  • UmmJameela

    November 24, 2016

    Jazak Allaahu Khair for your reply sister Saira. What you said about the man not being just because he is not attracted to her, then polygamy is not for that type of man. Why? because in polygamy one of the main key factors is that the man HAS to be just. Now if he is just and the woman is just ungrateful that is a different matter altogether. But to simply say that he is not just because he is not attracted to her, then he should be a man and free her from this so called marriage. What kind of man finds it acceptable to have a wife who he doesn’t like and then brings another woman into the marriage just so he can have some happiness elsewhere? To me that is not polygamy that is a man who is complete and utter selfish.

    No wife should deal with her husband not giving her rights because he decides now after marrying her that he doesn’t like her…. and in extreme cases if he doesn’t like her and fears that he won’t ever be able to make it right, divorce is permissible for these very reasons. May Allaah forgive me if I’m wrong, but for a man to treat any one of his wives differently simply because he doesn’t like her anymore, or can not look beyond her minor faults which cause him to dislike her, he has a serious issue with his imaan and fear of Allaah. That’s why these kind of men are not fit for marriage full stop let alone polygamy. This one ayah is very short but so so heavy…. regarding the woman “and live with them honorably” [al-Nisa’ 4:19]

  • Saira

    November 24, 2016

    Ummjameela 

    In some point I agree with you and in some point I disagree 

    i belive its up to Allah if some sister despite being u greatful to their husband or just being not his favourite wife 

    And husband might won’t do justic as he is not attractive to her any more but they still married  

    I am divorce and my divorce was not huge argument or any thing like that

    lack of Deen made him do it in joke and ended up divorse as it was written 

    now if someone is stuck simply Allah keeps them in that state 

    I would say when man marry other women and his favourite women sacrifice more as he always have in his mind that he is not just vd other one In heart andha try to be fair vd her and In the end he is not just with both 

    as vd one he have feeling and vd one he don’t have real feelings but his guilt made him do so much for her where he forget about the other one and she gets only affection 

    in both cases it is wrong 

    I wounder same of man does not like one wife why would he intimate at all vd her 

    and you correct when man sees less affection  I’n other one he start looking out for more 

    it’s all lack of Deen (religion) 

    when man scared from Lord he will try to just to his creator but again if he is not able to bow down honestly to his creator he won’t bother about his wife either.

    im this time of world we need to hold rope of Allah without that we can’t get any where 

  • UmmJameela

    November 24, 2016

    I have so much I want to say in regards to this post…. Jazak Allaahu Khair sister ana for bringing it up. When a man wants to remarry and uses the excuse of not being happy with his wife and the fact that he doesn’t like her it shows what kind of man this is. Or lack of a man I should say… You have a wife who you married, happily or unhappily. You choose to STILL be married to her? That’s the key point. From our perspective of polygamy as Muslims, we know that Allaah tells us in the Quran marry 1,2,3 or 4 but if you fear you won’t be able to treat them fairly then only marry 1. And for that man how sad that he is feeling so displeased with his wife that he wants to do further injustice by marrying again. Injustice I say because what happens when he takes another wife, he will further neglect the wife he is not so happy with and have a new chic to live a rosey life with. Will that not make it even harder for him to be just with the two, when he is already telling you that he doesn’t like his current wife? How many sisters take advantage of this and see the first wife as someone who should just accept that her husband simply doesn’t like her. Really? Would we want that for ourselves! Majority of the time these men have kids with number1 yet cry to the second that they are not happy with her and are only with wife 1 because of the kids. That makes them even worse because a woman you don’t like and Still choose to have kids with is pretty much okay for you to have a intimate relationship. It really makes me sick. Don’t play your part in being unjust towards another woman. If the man tells you he is not happy with her, simply remind him to fear Allaah and be just. It’s really not that hard. The same way you have become excitement in his life today, tomorrow or soon enough he will be describing you to another woman as the boring unpleasant wife and move onto something better. Always want good for others as you want for yourselves. Please correct me I’m wrong, may Allaah bless you all ?

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    I gave some thought to what you said earlier – that it was strange hearing how I feel about certain issues after always giving advice LOL. All that I speak of isn’t just based on reading and learning, it’s based on what I’ve lived, what I’ve been through and am going through. I just share less than what I used to years ago simply because everyone now knows my true identity now. Life is good. It’s beautiful and I’d like to help others come to terms with their lives. We all have so much to be thankful for. We have to learn to be grateful to Allah for all that we have :-)

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2016

    Dear Sister Saira,

    Your post was very touching. You’re such a kind heart person. Remember that Allah is the Doer of what he wills. Just because you don’t have the luxuries that you’d like today, doesn’t mean that He won’t give them to you tomorrow. Your co may realize that it’s not luxuries that makes one happy. She probably feels that something is missing in her life. I was reading an article today about actress Angelina Jolie. The woman has everything that anyone could ever dream of (except for the cancer that she has), but she is still unhappy and says something is missing from her life. I know what it is. It’s Allah. Allah didn’t chose her, at least not yet, so she goes on trying to find the meaning of life. We know the meaning of life is in the Quran.

    You’re more fortunate than your co. You’re here with us and we all have one another and Insha Allah, we’re all moving in the right direction :-)

  • Saira

    November 20, 2016

    I agree with you sister Ana 

    my co seems be having so many issues its been long long time 

    I eventually feel bad for her but when I read about polygamy and Islam and read all your topics I feel that she is lacking of eman and not accepting part of religion which is her own choice 

    in past I tried so hard to keep distance from hubby and I was feeling guilty deep down that it’s me causing problems and I even spoke to her in past and agree to go far from ther life and I must admit I made hubby so frustrated and it’s only Allahs will am still marrige to him 

    but somehow Allah opend my eyes and put in my heart that I have not done crime or any thing wrong 

    if it was not me it could have been any one else 

    hubby out loud told me and co both togather that if I leave he will struggle in life and to live again he will marry someone else as he does not want to live like that.

    to prove that me and hubby was not talking many days and he had to go away for few days and Allah made that happend that we patch up and went togather and co or any one didn’t knew 

    before when we use to go co use to annoy him with call txt and black mailing vd kids like they missing u etc 

    but she didn’t knew I was vd him and his phone never ring at all 

    he said she knows deep down I might be vd some girl alone but she don’t care as long as am not marrige to that girl and it’s not me.

    i feel surprise lately things been happening and it turn out to be more material then wanting to love 

    I don’t want to go in details but tiny things which cost nothing are to dear to co 

    which she rather put in bin then let me use .

    i do have dream like other girls and love to have so much luxury but it’s not end of world 

    she is not accepting thAt I am his wife too 

    I left that all in Allahs hand 

     

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2016

    Sister Saira,

    I understand what you’re saying, if I understand it correctly. There are wives who gets along well with the co as long as the co and the husband are having problems. She even tries to help them out. But as soon as their problems get resolved and they seem happy, she turns and causes problems for the husband and co. I could see that happening

  • anabellah

    November 20, 2016

    Saira, I think it is exactly how you explained it – due to jealousy, a wife makes the husband and the co’s issues seem HUGE. But, they’re simply just issues. It’s a point I was trying to make in the article about all couples have their issues.

    I think eventually when we increase in faith over time the issues don’t matter that much any more. We see how we had made a mountain out of a mole hill – about her own issues with the husband and his issues with the other wife. She looks back and think- what the heck was wrong with me that I carried on, acted the way that I did lol Was that really, me? lol WOW.

    When we start remembering Allah more and move nearer to him we begin to change. We look back and see the errors of our ways, how far we’ve come and how far we need to go :-)

  • Saira

    November 20, 2016

    WA alaykum Salam sister ana 

    it feel strange to know how you feel in certain issues your self 

    could be that alwsy read your advice and all.

    but I get that what u saying sometime when my husband talks about issues I feel bad for him about those difficulties but I always try to tell him solution from women’s point of view but sometime it do feel happy deep down which is shaytan I know 

    I don’t ask him any thing but it makes easier for him if he share vd me so I know what is the situation so I won’t complain about him being late 

    i can’t help my feelings but I never showed him am happy for something and deep down hate to hear that 

    my co done that vd us in start she becom our friend and shows both of us that she is happy for us and we both were sharing every thing vd her and hubby was so impress and becom co friend 

    when ever we had argument she was always there to stop the argument which Allah knows the Intension but soon we back up she argue vd us 

    which proved she had a lie in her face for us all the time 

    many things proved in past and we both learn from our mistakes 

    feeing Jelous is other thing but knowing couple having issue and make them huge is sin in my eyes 

    which I guess we don’t relize and do unknowing 

    may Allah make us understand Ameen 

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2016

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you much for sharing what your husband said about the article. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif It’s always helpful to have a male’s point of view. I certainly can understand how a husband would want to talk with his wife about his problems even if the problem has to do with the other wife. After all, a husband and a wife are expected to be each others best friend.

    I personally couldn’t see myself talking to my husband about certain things that I think would get back to a co with the thought that she’d be pleased about hearing some difficulty I may be having, for instance. Plus, I wouldn’t want to hear her difficulties either as I know it may make me happy to hear them, which is not a nice thing.

    On another note, although a husband has a favorite wife, some wives make it seem as thought the husband HATES the other and I kind of find it hard to believe they he likes NOTHING about the other. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Saira

    November 18, 2016

    MashaAllah very nice and clear heart touching post sister Ana 

    you alwsy bring some way to realistic topic 

    I was reading this and my husband read it and he said 

    its not always easy for man to stay quite 

    as sometime when it’s too much for him he need friend and he share his thougts with one of his favourite wife 

    he said most man who are polygamy had bad relationship experiance not because they met wrong partners but they not so mature as well 

    and he said in his case he feels he is doing every things from his heart and things he missed 

    he said sister mena and sister Ana both are right but sometime it’s not love in unhappy marrige he said sometime it becom habbit to have that person in your life and if you have kids you tend to do every thing to keep atmosphere good for kids 

    But in my opinion it’s Allahs wills sometime you see very happy couple but in moment of anger they divorce each other and you see unhappy couple togather unhappy for life 

    one thing I must say I use to love when my husband use to share every thing about his life and which invole co as well 

    and then I see he hide things in order to keep me happy and then I found this blog 

    I don’t believe when he says things are all true so I tend to just smile or ignore things 

    and I do believe when husband talk about one wife to other wife then am sure he does with all wife same 

    some time it’s so tempting to know the other side things but I keep reminding my self other way round and stay quite ?

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Yea, your right, that man cares more for his possessions than he does his happiness. It still doesn’t make him like the womam hes married to. In the case of a polygamous man, all the more reason to stay. He only has to spend half his nights with her (if he turns up on time if at all) the rest of the time he gets a loving, happy marriage with his other wife. plus if he has children with the less liked wife he still gets to live with them. The likely hood of them divorcing is high but like I said they could stay unhappily married for years. 

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    If a man stays in an unhappy marriage because he doesn’t want his wife to take him to “the cleaners”, it says to me that material things are more important to him than his happiness. He must not be so much unhappy if he stays.

    It’s usually women who feel stuck in a marriage because of financial reasons or the children.

    A man in a polygamous marriage has another or other homes to go to, if he is that unhappy and needs to divorce.

  • Mena

    November 17, 2016

    Ana, 

    I see your point, and really its non of one wife business how her husband feels about the other wife but we no that many people put their nose in places it dont belong. 

    Maybe a man tells one wife she is more loved or a better wife because she is more loved and is a better wife. furthermore we know that men and women stay in unhappy marriages for years before divorcing. Iv know a woman who stayed for 10 years even though she neither liked or loved her husband anymore, obviously she couldn’t leave unless Allah willed her to leave. Its known that thousands of people all over the world remain in unloving, unhealthy marriages for whatever reason. Its been the case that men have remained married because the wife will take him to the cleaners, take his money, home, kids and even the clothes on his back. I dont think that two people who once loved and liked each other divorce easily, they try to make it work, they try to love each other again, but people change and the person they changed into is not a person they could love. Its a long road to divorce and one that a person shouldn’t embark upon on a whim. 

    If it was the case that people just divorce the minute they become unhappy with each other people wouldn’t stay married for long. 

    Another point is men are not sinless, sometimes they tell one wife something they shouldn’t, he doesn’t make a habbit out of it he just erred. Its the truth but nevertheless he shouldn’t of said it. 

    For some their marriage is nothing but a torment, a constant cycle of touture. It where Allah put them and how He made them feel. Some of the women on this blog may be in one of those marriages or their co maybe in that type of marriage. It happends frequently. 

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum, All

    I’ve written this post/thread just as a reminder for us. We’ve discussed the subject before.