How Can Women Accept Polygamy?

how can women accept polygamy We hear the question quite often. How can women accept polygamy? Why is it not easy? They want to accept it, but just don’t know how to do it. I will try to answer the question, as best I can. First and foremost, the woman must have faith in Allah. It is the only way she will embrace a polygamous marriage and like it.

A woman’s belief in Allah or lack thereof determines if she accepts polygamy with her whole heart or she simply tolerates it. To merely endure it does not bring contentment or satisfaction to the heart. It does not relieve the pain. Consequently, the person lives with the pain because it doesn’t go away.

You will see that most of the posts that I write about polygamy in Islam center around my knowledge of the Holy Quran. It’s important that a person believes what is in it. Because, if the person doesn’t, she won’t get anything from any of the posts that I’ve written.

It’s important to realize that the Quran is simple and straightforward for the Believer. There is no need to read footnotes. Another key point is that Allah speaks to the Believer by way of the Quran.  Allah says a number of times in the Quran that He has made it easy to understand and to remember. Furthermore, he teaches and says that He does. There is no need to have a scholar, sheik, Imam or anyone else tell you what Allah says. Note that you simply need to read the Holy Quran with sincerity. Especially, seek Allah’s guidance. He guides those who seek His guidance.

How can women accept polygamy? It is not a mystery

To accept polygamy, a woman must first know what her purpose in life is. Basically, it is to worship and serve Allah. She must accept that all that happens Allah willed it. Meaning, he decides all that takes place. Allah decided when a woman’s husband engages in polygamy. That is to say, the husband and the wife simply goes through the motions.

Also, there is no need for a wife to ask her husband why he married another. He did it because Allah willed it. Moreover, to ask those questions shows disbelief. Rather, a wife shouldn’t get upset that her husband married another. There is no need for her to go on the offensive. Anger won’t resolve the issue. But, acceptance will.

How can women accept polygamy depends on how much they remember Allah

Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without a doubt. It is huge. It is paramount. The greatest thing in life means there is nothing else.

He further says when we don’t remember Him, He gives us an evil intimate companion. The companion is Satan who whispers into the hearts of men (as in mankind). You may think of it as the mind wandering or imagination. But, it is Satan. He may whisper for a wife to get angry with her husband or to treat him badly or to ignore him. Satan is the one that she should ignore.

The way to fight Satan is to remember Allah. Remember Him when bad thoughts enter the mind. Were told to seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed. If a wife doesn’t do it, she could expect mental torment. If one doesn’t listen to Allah, one could expect to suffer. It could be in the form of bad conduct or mental torment or agony.

The belief that Allah knows what is best for us answers the question, how can women accept polygamy?

Allah is the All Knowing. He is the All Wise. No one should question Him. Allah does not need to prove anything to anyone. When Allah says something, we should believe it without question. No one knows better than Him. A woman should know when Allah decides a thing it is “word”.

What Allah says in the Holy Quran is the Truth. When a wife accepts what Allah says, she is on her way to accepting polygamy She embraces it, if Allah places her in it or not. Most importantly,  she will have victory. She will triumph over Satan when she remembers Allah. The wife is content when she believe that Allah knows what is best for her. Whatever she finds herself in, Allah had a reason for placing her in it. A woman must believe that after hardship there is relief. With hardship comes ease. She must believe it, because Allah says it.

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32 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    Dineo Sethosa, Welcome!

    Thank you for letting us know the article was helpful. It’s good to know. The best to you…

  • Dineo Sethosa

    March 3, 2017

    Thank you for the advice it helps. Because it was hard to accept the second lady into my life. I think I will manage because I know Jesus knows what I am going through and He knew before I did that this will happen.My heart will be at ease day by day. Thank you

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2017

    Islamprinceas,

    Thanks for expressing your views. :-)

  • Islamprinceas

    January 14, 2017

    Having more than one wives in our world is not OK. This is just an anciently acceptable expression of lust justified by Hebrew scriptures. One man and one woman is a marriage anything more is a pathway to hell and evil and it denies mercy from us. I pray that you my brother’s may retrieve from lust and turn your eyes and heart to the truth and beauty of Allah. Any you my sisters to not fall for centuries of misinterpretation and justification of evil and learn the way and truth and love of Allah. I hope you all fear Allah with a true heart. 

  • Ssp

    October 22, 2016

    Thankyou so much for hearing me and for all your kind words…

    We’re married for 9 years with 3 beautiful daughters (he isn’t doing this for son)… All this started after 1 year of marriage with their friendship and then after few years when he announced that he wanna marry her…. Though we had good and memorable time together but the pain never went off… I kept on seeking Allah’s help through all these years that this relationship get over but… And now it’s happening…

    I’m too tired, Allah is all knowing and select best for us but how long? How much more pain everytime with new name, when will this end….

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Ssp,

    I don’t think the pain will get worse once he marries her. The pain could be about the worse that it will get, right now. Allah knows best. On the day that he marries or the day before and day of, stay completely absorbed in remembering Allah. Zikr. Repeat the beautiful names of Allah all day long. There are 99 of them.

    Get out the house and plan an outing with the children or do something else that you enjoy in an effort to keep your mind off your husband and his other. I know it’s almost impossible to enjoy things that you used to when you’re going through so much, but make the effort, if you can.

    Don’t forget we’ll be here, if you want to talk.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Ssp,

    I’m sorry to say that you’re expecting a lot, if you think that you can just ask Allah to remove the pain and let you accept polygamy, and it instantly happens. I haven’t seen it happen that way. I’m not saying it can’t for those who are super pious and focus their all and all on Allah. Ask yourself if you’re one of those persons. From what I’ve seen and heard, it could take years before the pain goes away. I’ve known it to take four or five. It could be more or it could be less. Although it may take a long time, the more and more one turns to Allah, the easier living in a polygamous marriage gets. Eventually, the pain completely and entirely goes away. Then, being in a polygamous marriage becomes no different than being in a monogamous one.

    Allah tells us to exercise patience in all that happens to us and to seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. We get tested to see how much we believe and will endure. The test is for us to know about ourselves. Just be glad you’re not in Mosul, Iraq being bombed today not knowing if you’re going to live or die from one moment to the next.

    I suggest you read and contemplate the article/thread and try to put it all into effect in your life. We’re here if you want to talk more.

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Ssp,

    You said you can’t punish your husband because he will be able to have sex with his other wife. Well, if he only wanted to have sex with his other wife, he could very well divorce you. A husband is expected to continue to have sex with all his wives. He doesn’t leave it all to one. It’s a benefit of polygamy for him.

    You could give up your right to it, if he agrees. I think if you do that, in the long run, you will feel that you are the loser. I could see if you were 90 years old.

    Many women get spoiled and think wrongfully that monogamy is the only way. It’s why women in polygamous marriages suffer a lot. Polygamy was the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) after his wife Khadijah died. It was good enough for his wives (the Mothers of the Believers). Why isn’t is good enough for other Muslim women? It’s not about the men needing to have the same level of faith as the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) or the wives having the emam of the Prophet’s wives. They are our examples and what we should STRIVE to be like.

  • Ssp

    October 22, 2016

    I don’t wanna punish him and I can’t as he can fulfill his desires with her (2nd wife) and I won’t be his need/requirement unfortunately.. and think I’ll never be able to share that private moment which couples have and if this can be done with someone else as well than why me… 

    You are true, I love him alot .. still .. And I think, I own him which I don’t..

    Nikah is done yet but will be held soon and I’m unable to get out of all these feelings and I’m afraid it will be even worse then… I don’t even give time or concentrate on my children… I’m asking Allah for help but I found myself again in the same or worst than before after every 3~4 days

  • anabellah

    October 22, 2016

    Ssp, welcome!

    It is very painful. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for it. It’s something you may just have to live and work it out. It’s probably the first and foremost most tormenting part of being in a polygamous marriage.But the thoughts and feeling don’t have to last. I know it can totally go away.

    Perhaps Allah wants you to start turning to Him and focusing on Him. Only He can help you with this one. I don’t have an explanation as to why women feel the way they do about their husband being intimate with other women other than it being a possessive thing. Women think they own their husbands. When in fact Allah owns us. He owns everything. It’s a matter of learning a whole new way of life. You need to ask yourself if you asked your husband to forgo his right simply to punish him. Because in essence you may be only punishing yourself.

  • Ssp

    October 21, 2016

    My husband is going for 2nd marriage after so many fights, so far I’ve accepted everything now but Polygamy and have asked him to waive off his right over me and he has agreed as he loves me and don’t wanna do sex without my will or forcefully…

    Actually, I’m not willing for this but the thought that he is having same sort of acts with someone else has taken my mind… That’s the thing, I keep on thinking all the time… Whenever we are in bed, this thinking won’t go off my mind and I’m sure it won’t when it will start in few days… Need help, please… It’s very painful.

  • anabellah

    October 9, 2016

    angel,

    Stupidity is when you come to a forum that doesn’t represent your views and you leave an unsolicited negative comment. Take for instance, I don’t believe in LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual,and transgender), still, I don’t go to their websites and tell them so. I don’t bother them. It’s their business, not mine. Polygamy 411 is clearly not the blog for you and no one cares to hear your 2 cents of worthless thoughts.

    You apparently don’t believe in any formal religion, seeing that you believe women should have 2-3 husbands at a time, so how would you have an inkling of an idea about what God says?

    People who support the ludicrous notion that women should have more than one husband simply say that because they are envious of men. They say it or take a boyfriend and says the boyfriend is a husband out of spite. They say if men could do it (have more than one spouse), they could do it too. They demean and degrade themselves by trying to be like men. They make fools of themselves. Only the foolish believes and goes along with and support their foolishness.

  • Jasmina

    October 9, 2016

    I most certainly would not like to pick up after 2-3 men lol ? And I don’t know any woman who would Be keen to run around maintaining 3 homes and dealing with 3 different men and the intricacies of marriage to one man let alone three omg how exhausting. I’ll happily leave that to the males that want to keep their hands full.

    Its apparent you don’t have much knowledge of God so why are you talking as though you are His spokesperson?  Am I missing something? I don’t think so. I find it amusing that you would make such a comment. I think what you are saying is that it is YOUR OPINION, don’t mix God in with your opinions, He is not in Need of you to speak on his behalf.

    so YOU don’t agree with polygamy! Okay well thank you for the very random comment, guess what? You are entitled to your opinion so congratulations. I’m not really sure what the point of your comment is, but good for you, thank you. There are plenty of marriage blogs, this isn’t the right one for you.

  • angel

    October 9, 2016

    what stupidity is this….god <allah> never tells anyone to be polygamy .its the human mind want ….if they want it they can have …why they r using the name of god .y their god didnt say that the girl can marry 2-3 husbands at a time ….

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Ammej, Hello and welcome! :-) Thank you for commenting.

    Are you confused about what to do – marry him or not? If he has informed you that his family has picked out a girl for him to marry, most likely he will marry her. You need to determine whether you will accept polygamy and marry him. You need to expect that his family more than likely doesn’t accept polygamy and won’t accept you. You are not their chosen one. If they were willing to just accept any woman for him, they wouldn’t have selected someone for him. It’s not about him choosing. When such a family is involved it means he dances to their beat. They control his life. You could look forward to being an outcast and your marriage not recognized.

    More importantly than marrying the guy, you need to ask yourself if you are willing to embrace Islam because you like the religion; it makes sense to you; and you would stick with it come hell or high water, as the expression goes, or you’re only interested in embracing Islam so you could marry the guy. If you are serious about Islam, you’d embrace Islam and live it even if the man were to walk away from you and not marry you. Islam is not about getting a spouse. It far more serious than it.

    There doesn’t seem to be any room for compromise for you. You either walk away from the man or accept that you will be a second wife in a polygamous marriage that his family doesn’t accept and yours probably won’t either. It will be a hard road to travel and a lonely one at that.

  • Ammej

    January 13, 2016

    Hello..
    I was looking for the best answer for my confusion. I am a christian and willing to embrace islam. I am inlove with muslim guy which he porposed and offered marriage but i will be the second wife. We love each other but he need to follow the will of his family to marry the girl that they wanted for him. I am confused.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    To ask why Allah didn’t allow polygamy for women is like asking why Allah didn’t put two suns in the sky

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Sharina,

    The reason a woman can’t have more than one husband is because Allah didn’t say she can. He didn’t give her that privilege or right. Why not? I don’t question Allah. If you want to question Him, be my guest.

    A person can speculate all day and night about why Allah doesn’t allow polygamy for women. I won’t be a part of it and I don’t want it dealt with on this blog.

    You asked if you want more than one husband doesn’t Allah will it to happen. NO. Allah did NOT will such a thing. If a woman wants to PRETEND that she has more than one husband, it doesn’t mean she has more than one. A person can say anything she or he wants to. The woman who says she has more than one husband is only fooling herself, and fooling the ignorant people who actually believe her. Just because she says she has more than one doesn’t make it truth or reality. Some people are dumb enough to believe anything someone tells them.

    A woman who is married and says she has more than one husband is simply deluding herself and other silly, foolish people who listen and believe her. The woman is doing no more than committing adultery. She’s just a nasty skank ho. If her husband is polygamous or was and then she went and got herself another man to have sex with and live with whom she calls husband. It’s only out of retaliation for her husband doing what Allah allows. She’s only harming herself. She may think she’s doing something wonderful. A person with sense knows the real deal.

    So, your question has been answered and we won’t waste anymore time on your questions. We are not here for your entertainment. So search for your answer to the question else where. It’s not the place for it here. Goodbye. Don’t come back.

  • Sharina

    November 19, 2015

    Why can’t women be polygamous? Why can’t Muslim women have more than one husbad? If I want more than one husband, doesn’t Allah will that to happen, and therefore my husband should accept it too?

  • anabellah

    April 24, 2015

    @Shehrazaad24, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    Sigh, I finally got a chance to welcome you. Hello and welcome to our home. I’m happy you have joined us.

    Many women probably simply tolerate living in a polygamous marriage, and don’t accept it. As you know in tolerating polygamy and not accepting it, the pain continues to exist. Some people think that if they just continue in it, in time things will get better. It usually doesn’t.

    It takes working on oneself in an effort to grow nearer to Allah, and have faith to be able to overcome the pain. You are by far not alone in trying to accept this way of life. You are amongst many.

    With regard to your co jerking you around, I wrote a post/thread based on it. Insha Allah, it will be helpful to you. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/evil-acting-co-wives/

  • Shehrazaad24

    April 24, 2015

    As-salamualaykum sisters

    I’m a second wife married for 9 years and I still haven’t accepted polygamy. I tolerate it. I try to I feel as if I’m on the right path then my co does something that takes me back twenty steps. It keeps happening and it’s quite frustrating. What a roller coaster ride polygamy is. I just want to accept 100%. I know it’s something within me that needs guidance. All I have to do is take a closer look. May Allah guide me. I’m so lost and tired of living in pain.

  • anabellah

    April 23, 2015

    @alison,

    Thank you, Sis, for the update. Sometimes we get bent out of shape for nothing. It happens to the best of us. Welcome to the club lol

  • alison

    April 23, 2015

    Well the polygamous routine didn’t begin per se….he just spent the last two days since the co was alone as her relatives had gone away..today he is back for the long haul (read monogamy) and would be with me for how long have no clue maybe till the relatives pop out of town again lol :)

  • alison

    April 23, 2015

    thank you I knew you will ground me….I know I have no reason to get annoyed honestly was just being ungrateful and that pang of jealousy makes me soooo irrational

  • anabellah

    April 22, 2015

    @alison, hey there, you. As Salaamu Alaikum :-)

    You’ve come to the right place to vent. I totally understand how you are feeling. He’s been with you for the last two months and you began to settle back into monogamy a bit. I know in the back of your mind you expected that one day the polygamous routine would begin again. Now, lo and behold, it’s here oh, my…

    Of course you’d feel not so good about it; although you probably really deep down inside know you have no real right to. I suppose it is annoying to you that he comes to you to find peace, but then could bounce back and forth between you and her. Yet, it is within his right to. If she doesn’t complain that he spends most his time with you, why should you? Right?

    Fair and just is relative. He doesn’t have to do everything equally, despite what some people may erroneously think. What one wife may feel is just another may feel it is unjust. The husband has to find the balance. Take rabiabint’s marriage, for instance. Her husband spends the school year in another country teaching and has a wife there. He’ll be where rabiabint lives with rabiabint during the summer months. Is it fair to either of the wives? Yes, it is, because both of them are okay with it, as much as they can be okay with it. They both accept it. It’s what matters. What they accept matters, not what anyone else thinks.

    If your husband bounces back and forth between his wives as suits his needs and no wife is being being left hanging, then he hasn’t done anything wrong. If any wife has the right to complain, it’s his other wife in that he was with you two months straight.

    Your husband did right by you, and was extremely considerate of you to ask if you’d mind him staying there. It shows you that he loves you very much, and is very much concerned about how you feel and think. All he needed to do was tell you that he was going to stay there (and you could like it or lump it.)

    It’s Satan messing with you, making you ungrateful for the two months straight that your husband spent with you that your husband doesn’t have to make up.

    I’d suggest that you find the strength from Allah not to be upset and angry with your husband when he returns to you, as he has done nothing wrong from what I can see.

    Hang in there, sis. It’s all good. Everything is going to be alright. Every now and again we all get our panties in a wad for nothing :-(

  • alison

    April 22, 2015

    Clearly am still not at the acceptance level

  • alison

    April 22, 2015

    Hey Anna I miss you so much you have no idea….just thought of you today feel like venting out lol hubby was at the other yesterday and slept there said he was unwell which he has been and said he coming today he just texted asking if I would be mad if he extends…well the devil in me is ranting though I know it’s very little he has been here for over 2 months..but what is annoying is he is polygamous but doesn’t want to deal with it and being just it is at his convenience and stays where is peaceful and less demanding aaaaaarg

  • Rahma

    April 21, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,

    At this point im mainly wondering whether it is best for me to just “tolerate” and basically ignore whole hubby’s second marriage.
    Honestly I feel the less im confronted with it the better I feel; giving shaytaan less way to cause bad feelings towards hubby.
    Co lives abroad anyway and for me that makes things kind of easy; not having to see, hear or notice.

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @Umaymah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just realized you are new here. Welcome aboard. It’s always nice greeting new people. Welcome to our blog family. Would you tell us a little bit about you – whatever you feel like sharing?

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone!

    @alison,

    I’m happy you’re still here with us reading. I miss you in the discussions. Pop in and chat with us when you get a free moment, Insha Allah.

    @Umayman,

    It sounds about right that you alternate between good days and bad days. Some days you want to leave the marriage. Other days, you don’t. The emotional roller coaster is real. It all sounds about right. You’re way normal. Don’t worry. You’ll be just fine. We’re all here with you to help you get through it, as best we can. Just know there is nothing abnormal about you and this situation.

    Know too that just because he wants to become polygamous doesn’t mean it will happen. Sometimes, I think it is better for the ladies when it happens oppose to wondering when and if it will happen. Not knowing could be very trying. If you have any questions for us, shoot. We’ll try to answer them.

  • Umaymah

    April 17, 2015

    I have been getting the polygamy vibes from my husband and to be honest it’s not been easy. I alternate between good and bad days when all I want to do is leave the marriage and days that I feel I am strong enough to counter my issues.
    its been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.
    Thank you for this website, the articles keep me grounded and induce a strong reality check.
    Jazakillah khairan

  • alison

    April 17, 2015

    Hey thanks so much for the usual dose of reality check :) hope all is well with everyone. Missing out so much on this groups discussions :( but i read the posts often

    Much love