How She Can Make Her Polygamous Husband Happy

how she can make her polygamous husband happySometimes a wife asks how she can make her polygamous husband happy. A wife may think that she must make her husband happy for him to continue to love her. She wants to please him especially if she wants him to love her more than he loves his other wife.

It’s important for the wife to realize that if she tries to make her husband happy, she will continue to have problems in her life. As a matter of fact, they will be major problems.

It’s not the husband who the wife should try to make happy. She should make it her goal to do the things that will make Allah pleased with her. After all, life is about Allah. It’s not about a husband and a wife. The spouses’ happiness isn’t what is most important in life.

It could be why Allah has placed the wife in the polygamous marriage, because her priorities were wrong. Allah may want good for the wife, and as a trial placed her in the marriage. It could be so that she will turn to Him and do the right thing by Him. To do the right thing is to worship Him. It goes without saying that only He can fix things for her and her husband.

How she can make her polygamous husband happy is more about pleasing Allah

If she turns to her husband and begins to kiss his butt, so to speak, sucking up to him and trying to please him, she may find that it disgusts him. Allah want us to turn to Him, not to a spouse. If we turn to Allah’s creation instead of to Him, He turns His creation away from us. Thus she gets the exact opposite of what she wanted.

A wife shouldn’t become a subservient slave to her husband in trying to please him to win his love. It will hurt her. When she turns to Allah to serve Him properly, she becomes a good person and does good things. She does good deeds. Particularly, she will be a good wife to her husband (if Allah finds that her husband deserves good treatment).

In conclusion, it’s important to note that everything lies in the opposite. If she turns to Allah, He may turn her husband towards her. If she turns to her husband, Allah may turn her husband against her. She can’t make herself happy let alone make her husband happy. Allah can.

Please only comment about the topic on this page. Please discuss other topics in the assigned “Discussion” area.

How she can make her polygamous husband happy

Books about polygamy in Islam

can she make her polygamous husband happy


Share article on

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

22 Comments

  • Mari2

    January 16, 2017

    @Ana,

    Ever thankful for your wise words and guidance.  I  enjoy reading the  Quran.  Believe it or  not, as a former Catholic, the Quran is both familiar, but yet new at the same time.   Like the OT was a sheet, but the Quran is a down-filled comforter wrapping me in warmth.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2017

    There definitely isn’t much on the internet that can help people with living a lifestyle of polygamy from a practical point of view.

    There’s a lot about the good of polygamy and the whys, but other than it, there isn’t much. For that matter, there isn’t much on the internet about what in the Quran either.

    All one needs to do is read the Quran to know that the talk on the internet isn’t about what is in the Quran. In a sense, I can understand why.

    Reading the Quran is very personal. Many people don’t know and don’t realize or don’t believe that Allah teaches. When we read the Quran He teaches the believers, the ones whom He has chosen and He alone gives understanding of it.

    Some people only turn to the Quran to find information to dispute about. There aren’t many who turn to it to read it for understanding and to act on what they’ve learned. Allah says that it the Quran is a Healing, a Mercy, a Warning, Guidance, and much, much more for the believers. It is replete with knowledge and has everything in it that we need.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you much for elaborating. I appreciate it. I totally understand where you are coming from :-)

    I have on occasion spoken to my wali about having a male version of this blog. After tossing the idea about, we decided against it. Knowing that most men don’t like to talk about their problems, as well as the time, energy and money it takes to run a successful blog, we opted against it. Forums that aren’t managed get a lot of trolls and people who aren’t serious on there.

    I admire your strength and fortitude, Mari2 ?

  • Mari2

    January 12, 2017

    @Ana,

    I fully understand what you are saying.  And one of my biggest challenges is M’s culture, and his adherence to it.  I am fully aware of the muddled sense of culture vs. Islam within his family.  However, I am not hoping for a miracle.  I am not expecting ease.  I have knowledge of my challenges ahead, and while I am aware of them, I will not allow the “what ifs” to control my peace of mind.  I am willing to see the script played out.  I may think it will play out a certain way, but am fully cognizant that what I think may be wrong.  Only Allah knows.  I married M completely with my full will.  He married me the same.  Nothing arranged and nothing forced.  I didnt accept his marriage to 2 because I am trying to hang on to my marriage.  I accepted it (finally after prayer and reflection) because his marriage to her is lawful in the eyes of Allah.  

    And yes he wants peace.  And you are right that his peace can only come to him through Allah.  I want peace too.  So I have made a concerted effort to gain peace not thru M, but through Allah.  And it has worked, MASHALLAH.  I cannot battle culture.  So I will not.  Islama culture is his battle, not mine.  His family, and their deeply ingrained grudges spanning a generation are his problem, not mine.  

    My only thought when suggesting a male, polygamy blog was that M could perhaps meet well learned men who understand that the Quaran, not the hadiths is where his focus needs to be.  Perhaps he could be enlightened that he, as the husband should be the imam for his wives, and help them find peace in a situation that is harder for them than it is for himself.  And maybe, I’d hope he could just be flat out told…(by a man) “That isnt Islam.”  I apologize for my dreams.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear Sis :-)

    I hope you and your family made it home safely and soundly

    I think all men want to be left alone (as in be away from their wives and children, at times), which is why some take up hobbies, go out with friends, or spend time at the Masjid etc.

    All men in polygamous marriages want peace unless something is wrong with them psychiatrically, but they probably feel themselves, at times, being torn or pulled back and forth between the wives. The problem comes in when the wives have opposing desires. How does the husbands deal with that?

    In Mari2’s case it appears the cousin wife and his mother don’t want him in a polygamous marriage, but Mari2 does, specifically because she wants to hold onto her husband. So, what do he do about it. He’d probably have a easier time, if his mom wasn’t actively involved in his marriage.

  • Karima

    January 11, 2017

    Slm I think my husband runs away from our problems and the reality the mess we are into. Many times he said I just want some peace and leave me alone.  Don’t go after things, in a way I should stop being a ” detective” 

    we are on our way to the airport now inshallah I’ll write when we arrive home 

    assalamu aleykum 

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    Allah in the Quran tells men how to deal with their wives when they are having problems with them. Allah spells it out. He gives them the remedies.

    To expect that men will come to a blog and talk about their problems is expecting a lot. There were some men who were here on and off and briefly spoke. Most of them spoke primarily about their wives not getting along with one another. That was about it.

    Most men don’t want to acknowledge that they have problems, in that they, themselves are the problem. It’s a sign of weakness for a man to do so in their eyes. They don’t want to be thought of as needing fixing. Therefore, they focus on the wives.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    I don’t think it takes a man to talk to a man about polygamy to figure out how to have peace. Peace comes from belief in all that Allah says in the Holy Quran. Belief is what makes a believer.

    Believers are still tested, but they are triumphant because they know Allah tests us with one another. Believers work together to make marriages work. They are on the same page, with the same goal to worship Allah. They persevere in difficulties and don’t throw in the towel in defeat when the going gets tough. They go the distance and they’ve got each others backs. They fight the good fight in the cause of Allah.

    Allah says there are only going to be a band of believers, which mean not many.

    Allah says no harm can come to the believer from those who stray, if they do the right thing – worship and serve Him as He instructs us to.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    You must play it out, to find out what was written ( (the script).

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    Islam is about peace – submission to Allah’s will. It’s the only way to achieve peace.

    If one submits his will to the will of Allah, he or she no longer has a will.

    Allah says a BELIEVER shall not will except as He wills.

    In other words, it means they go with His script. Not knowing what He scripted they make their intention to do what Allah instructs in the Holy Quran and believes what He says in it.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    Mari2,

    You and I may see it differently, but I’ll give you my take on what you’ve stated. I see it that your husband was forced to marry multiple wives. I say it because I believe that Allah selected our mates for us. I believe Allah when He says that we will come willingly or unwillingly, but we will come (submit to His will in Islam). We’re going to carry out Allah’s decrees. Allah selected you and your co to be wives to your husband and for you three to live the lives that you live. You simply don’t know what it is that He scripted, until you play it out.

    I’d imagine your husband and many husbands in polygamous marriages want peace with the wives that Allah selected for them. Who doesn’t want peace?

    My question is how can your husband who is Pakistani, with a Pakistani family, which includes his Pakistani/cousin wife have peace when they believe wholeheartedly in their culture/traditions that reject polygamy? How can he expect to have peace in it? It’s impossible.

    Your husband listens to his mother who arranged the marriage with his cousin whom she handpicked for him. It means the cousin is the one whom his mother wants him with and his cousin doesn’t want him with you either. He obeys his mother. Neither his mother nor his other wants you in the picture, yet you are in the picture, but he expects to have peace. Really? That is foolish.

    You’re correct in what you described about the problems that you will face and you will need to battle with those folks to try to do the impossible – make the situation work.

    Most Muslims in polygamous marriages live the same as non-believers in marriages. There aren’t many who put Allah first before their desires and their spouses.

    Mari2, you’re going to have to acknowledge what you’re dealing with and not expect a miracle knowing what you’re up against with their culture vs. Islam.

    Those are my thoughts about what you’ve said.

  • Mari2

    January 11, 2017

    My peace of mind is two fold…I am absolutely at peace with my husband having a second wife.  This has been made lawful for him and I am in complete acceptance to the will of Allah.  But I do not foolishly think that there will be no challenges in the near future.  M and I may have made the best of plans regarding a schedule.  But 2 has yet to arrive.  Will she find the schedule to her liking?  When MIL arrives soon after, will she have her opinion?  I have no doubt that there are challenges ahead.  Knowing this, I need to focus on Allah so that I can minimize any negative emotional reaction on my part.  And I understand full well that 2 is a human and she too will have emotional reactions.  But the only thing I can control are my own reactions.  I cannot control her perceptions, desires, or false beliefs in fairy tale-like scenarios.  That is what I need to dig down deep and remember..my focus needs to be on Allah and not lashing out in frustration.  And honestly that is hard, because lashing out and arguing is so much easier to do than reflection, prayer and self control.  

    At the same time as I enjoy this blog as far as women helping other women, a challenge that I have is when M declares “All I want is some peace.”  Is it up to the wives to give him peace?  I wish there was a male, polygamous, blogger who can offer sound advice to men with multiple wives.  Sometimes I get annoyed with M because he acts like he’s a victim forced to marry multiple wives.  

  • Serena

    January 9, 2017

    Salam

    Ana may Allah reward you for time and effort on writing this post.  It is a good reminder wether in polygamy or not. Also applies to everyday situations with anyone. It can be so hard to please people and sometimes we do things so people like us and to get in their good books etc only to be disappointed because they don’t appreciate what we do.

    In an earlier reply to Nargis I said whenever she does anything it should be to please Allah first. It’s the same for all of us. InshaAllah we will get our reward from Allah if we do things to please him.

    Mari2

    Sister alhumdulillah you sound at peace and are a good example of hope for those of us who are not yet at that stage. 

  • Umm of2

    January 9, 2017

    Excellent post and reminder. Thanks sis Ana  will keep in mind and implement even more InshaAllah 

    Fatimah I love your timely posts :) something in your post this time made me curious. You mentioned your co’s ex and how she behaved with him. Did you know her personally before she married your/her  husband? Were y’all friends? I hope this is not another nargis situation. My heart breaks for her. You have a good head on your shoulders. Stay strong don’t play into her games

  • Karima

    January 8, 2017

    Mari2 jazak Allah kheir for posting You sound so well mashallah that gives me hope to try harder on concentrating on Allah 

  • Mari2

    January 8, 2017

    Ameen to this!  I learned to put Allah first and I am well done for my efforts, Mashallah.  It has taken time, prayers, tears, and more prayer to finally arrive at a place spiritually where I no longer feel threatened or pushed aside by the arrival of 2 in a couple of weeks.  I am oddly calm.  And I am feeling strangely giddy and welcome her arrival.  I am not sure why since so many of my friends(muslimahs included) seem to see the arrival of 2 as the end of our marriage.  But I just dont feel that way.  While 2 and her mother have done nothing but demand that M divorce me, I cant say that I care anymore about their requirements.   I just seem happier.  My dreams are happy.  My life beyond M is happy.  I feel so loved by Allah that I dont seem to care anymore about 2.  Since M married 2, and I turned to Allah, good things have been working for me both spiritually, job wise and financially.  Doors have closed, and others have opened.  Mashallah.

  • Karima

    January 8, 2017

    Excellent post Ana jazak Allah kheir for Your time work  effort and much appreciated help

    May Allah reward you

  • Fatimah

    January 8, 2017

    Ameen!

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Absolutely. I agree with you, Fatima.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You probably called it right? What she’s doing is probably to compete with you to win the love of your/her husband. All her efforts will probably be in vain. How sad ?

    You’re armed with knowledge, so you know what to do. Now you’ve just got to do it, and you can with the help and permission of Allah :-)

  • Fatimah

    January 8, 2017

    Women who.do that Stay chasing their tails in circles. I say leave them chasing themselves, and you chase Allah. In the end,  we have to worry abut really matters.

  • Fatimah

    January 8, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum

    I absolutely loved this post! Ana, I love how you let everyone know it’s All about Allah swt and if you make it anything else, it’s not going to work. I mean, I can’t express how true this rings! My husband’s wife is very competitive and I noticed that she accepts from my husband what she hated in her ex. She’s very supportive of him, but when her ex did the same, she reacted very differently. It wasn’t acceptable to her. I sit and wonder how is it possible and why she puts up with it. But I realize from reading your blog that she isn’t supporting him for Allah, it’s for personal gain. To win him bc I am in the picture. Then again I could be very wrong lmao. I mean,  why is it OK for my husband, but it wasn’t ok for hers? 

    It makes so much sense. I see women being competitive but they are still constantly unhappy. No matter how much the husband falls for it, she keeps going and going in the games bc she is never secure it’s bc it’s not for Allah swt. So much sense!