How to Feel Better about Polygamy

How to Feel Better about PolygamyMost wives want to know how to feel better about polygamy when their marriages are polygamous. First, they need to give Allah all of their attention. A wife can’t do it if she focuses on her husband and his other wife.

Not surprisingly, many don’t know what it means. They think that they must distance themselves from their husbands. Some think they should become numb and not feel anything for their spouses. They are wrong.

The wife who is serious about Islam needs to know that she can put Allah first and still love her husband. It is okay for her to have loving feelings for him, to want him near her and have a good intimate relationship with him. She could still love him deeply and have contentment in the marriage. In fact, one would expect it. However, it could only happen when she put Allah first.

For a wife to know how to feel better about polygamy, she must have a good understanding of Islam

To have peace and tranquility in her marriage, the wife must believe all that Allah says in the Quran.  Furthermore, she must make every effort to do what He says. She should use the Quran as a map that leads to all that is good. When a wife begins to do that, she will see that her whole life begins to change for the better. She’ll have a good relationship with her husband. Allah has promised the believers the best in this world and in the Hereafter.

When the wife makes her life all about Allah, she has no problem with what her husband, his other wife, or anyone else on the planet does, as she knows they are all acting according to the will and plan of Allah. Knowing that Allah knows what is best for her, she accepts all that He decrees. She will put Allah first and it would come naturally, once she learns Islam.

Someone who does not know or understand Islam is the wrong one to  tell a wife how to feel better about polygamy

It is important to know that Allah tells us not to listen to anyone who does not follow our way of life (Islam). What good is it to hear what is not our way? A believer would not listen to someone who has no real, true knowledge that comes from Allah.

All too often one hears those who don’t know Islam, including some “Muslims” say that the wife should not tolerate what her husband does, nor give too much in the marriage etc. What do they base it on? By and large, they will lead the wife astray from the path of Allah. Allah has given us the Book (the Quran) as a guide and a mercy.

How to feel better about polygamy – a wife should have like-minded people in her midst. She should talk about her life only with those who are on the same page that she is on. When a wife knows who to let into her intimacy and who not to, she is on her way to having peace and tranquility in her marriage.

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25 Comments

  • anabellah

    October 15, 2017

    Tasliyman, As salaamu Alaikum

    Congratulations! I’m so happy you’re with child, Sis. It’s such good news. Insha Allah, you’ll have a beautiful, healthy, righteous one. Keep up the good work in trying to keep your focus on Allah, and don’t give into Satan’s whispers. I’m glad you’re sticking with our crew…{{{hugs}}}

  • Rosa

    October 14, 2017

    Salaam

    Tasliyman and saira congrats on your pregnancies. How awesome. May Allah bless you both with healthy pregnancies and which easy labors and deliveries and healthy pious children ameen.

    Fatima
    It’s a constant battle with shaitan and your nafs. This battle never ends but it does become easier with constant dua, acceptance of the Qadr of Allah and a whole lot of sabr patience. The more you persevere the easier it becomes to differentiate between the various antics of shaitan. I sometimes find myself verbally responding to those whispers I’m like you’re not going to trap me with that one o accursed one lol it’s works. Seek refuge stay in zhiker and constant rememberance of Allah. It’s life changing. Try to focus on you and ur husband don’t compare that’s the worst thing u can do. Be confident in what yall have. You said you’ve been around for years so that’s a blessing in itself. Each wife is different and unique in their own way. Let this world go and it will chase after you. Run after this world and it with run from you.

  • Tasliyman

    October 14, 2017

    Fatimah,
    Wa Alaikum Salaam
    I’m really glad that you could benefit from my post. I don’t post often but I benefited so much from other’s experience and advice on this blog that I tend to always stick around.

    One thing that’s for sure is that Shaitaan really is ALWAYS on the prowl (as you so nicely put it). Defeating Shaitaan is not a once off thing. You have to constantly guard against him and always seek protection in Allah.
    It was Ummof4 who gave us the beautiful reminder of how powerful the duah “I seek protection in Allah from Shaitaan, the accursed” is. Once you are aware that the jealousy and envy thoughts and feeling comes from Shaitaan it gets easier to fight it.

    Lately things I thought I have moved passed sill gets to me. But I think being 7 months pregnant and “hormonal/emotional” is making it a bit harder to deal with. But trying to keep my focus in the right place helps almost every time.

  • Fatimah

    October 14, 2017

    Tasliyman
    As salaamu Alaikum
    Just wanted to commented on your post about comparing your co relationship with your husband and yours and all you saI’d afterwards really hit home for me because I do that alot🤔 it does not bring peace in any shape or form. I am the first and although he has had other wives, I been around longer and it seems the ones after me get the better version and I have a real hard time with that. I compare how much of a better husband he is to them than he ever was to me but in reality like you mentioned, in other words we have to accept Allah’s decree. I mean, does He NOT know what He is doing? Isnt He AWARE the man I married years ago and the better Muslim they married? He knows my story bc HE wrote the script. I can say all of these things but at the end of the day,have I accepted it?? This post really brought to light what I need to get together. It is envy and Allah tells us
    Not to be envious bc it destroys the purity of our hearts making it dark. I mean, sheesh, this is probably one of my biggest problems! Along with not accepting that this is the decree. Allah help me😟 Alhamdulillah He had me check out what was being said in this post. I’m always finding ways to feel better,be better and do what pleases Allah. Rosa and Ana mentioned how difficult it is and a personal struggle it is. Indeed it is. I think you or someone else mentioned about making dua, that’s all we can do and putting our best foot forward.

    Mari2 I like how you faced your husband with his own statement asking him his intentions. I think doing that is so effective. I remember asking my husband was he doing these particular things to make me jealous especially knowing how I feel and he never answered me but since that day,he stopped. My one good companion used to tell me all the time she felt like he did things on purpose to insight jealousy and see me behave a certain way. She used to advise to not react and ask him was it his intentions. I have tried it recently with other things he does and it pretty much shuts things down.
    Rosa I agree what you saI’d about just really trying hard to stay focused on Allah and keeping Him first. Only in His remembrance does hearts find peace so May HE grant that to us all.
    Shaitan is always always on the prowl to bring us down. Lastnight I was talking to my good friend and I began to get more upset the more I said. Then Allah helped me to say you know what? Let’s talk about how your courses are going and managing your time with that bc I’ll just get madder and madder and shaitan will have took me down a dark path. I was proud of myself Alhamdulillah to have taken my nafs by the reigns aND redirected the negative path it was treading. May Allah help me to continually do that bc right after that thoughts and more thoughts were coming😂😂😂. It’s such a strrrrugglllllle UGGGHHHHH!

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    I think feeling numb and shutting down is a defense mechanism. I’m falling asleep now, can barely keep my eyes open, so it’s all I can say at the moment.

  • Tunis

    October 5, 2017

    Salam All,

    And feeling numb is what I am feeling at the moment…something has changed inside…this numbness is new to me….its like a shutdown.

  • anabellah

    October 5, 2017

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Tunis,

    It’s good to hear from you. I have thought about you from time to time, my friend.

    It’s a good idea to post on the October thread to get the discussion going there. Thank you!

    I’m on my phone right now. Insha Allah, I’ll be able to join the discussion soon. I’ll keep approving the comments though.

  • Tunis

    October 5, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana….I suppose I could have posted on the October discussions…perhaps then I can update what has transpired so far.

  • Tunis

    October 5, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum to all
    Thank you Rosa for your thoughts. Subhannallah, it affected me…and I do not even know how I stumbled across this post. I was never gonna write again.
    I can not even describe what I have gone thru..mentally and emotionally.
    I know I have stayed away from posting….Ana’s last words about my husband hit me deep(hurt)..him being full of it(sh#t). Well he may be or he is stuck in it !
    Either way, ladies and gents, I have finally come to the realization and see what ya’ll have been trying to tell me.

  • Mari2

    October 4, 2017

    Serena,
    She did send him messages first and he wasn’t answering her because he didn’t want to. He was busy. She last saw him 3 hours prior, and what she wanted was unimportant. So he chose to ignore her. So she messages me in an effort to needle me but I won’t go there because honestly even though it is my time with him I am not spending it draped upon him. I have things to do, places to go, people to see.

  • Serena

    October 4, 2017

    Ana your post is a reminder once again for us all. Yes we need to give Allah our intention. It leads to positive thinking. When we loose focus and shaitan enters our mind our thoughts go wild.

  • Serena

    October 4, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2

    About you co messaging you. I know we shouldn’t be suspicious of others but who knows what her real intentions are when she messages you. Best to just give yes no answers and not entertain her. She probably wants to find out if he is with you. Maybe she did message him first and he didn’t respond so she thought he is with you and messages you.

  • Tasliyman

    October 4, 2017

    Mari2,

    My husband has his moments of over-sharing too. In his case its truly just a matter of not realising that it’s not appropriate.

    About two weeks ago he was telling me about a conversation that he had with his other wife. When I asked him why he’s telling me about it he seemed taken aback. Then I told him that whatever we discuss is our business and whatever they discuss is their business.

    I think he just gets so comfortable with the peace on both sides (as opposed to the drama we had before) that he kind of lets his guard down and talks about whatever is on his mind. It turns out I was part of their discussion and the conversation still went well.
    He was excited to tell me that but I made it clear that I still didn’t want to know because it’s none of my business.

  • Mari2

    October 3, 2017

    Tasliyman,
    I agree with Ana about your post. Putting Allah first and focusing on Him really does help lessen the care for whatever goes on in M’s other home.

    I have been doing well too so long as I stick to my focus on Allah. Sometimes though I do feel like M himself tries to undermine my peace with polygamy by sharing something that he doesn’t need to tell me. For instance he said one day: my family only thinks I am with you because you buy me things. I laughed and replied: wow that’s so sad that your family thinks so poorly of you they think you can be bought for a couple of new shirts a year. He seemed taken aback that I wasn’t offended by what they said. I followed my comment with: you need to examine your intentions behind the things you say…are you saying them to be helpful or hurtful?

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2017

    Rosa,

    I agree that a woman’s emotions can change from day to day, sometimes it varies within the day, as well. It’s not constant. Everyday is different, never the same. It’s unpredictable. You said basically that keeping everything in check is a constant battle. You know that’s right… It’s our personal Jihad.

    It’s important to just keep remembering Allah to keep us grounded.

  • anabellah

    October 3, 2017

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I love your post! What a good outcome in your life! I’m so happy to hear that your marriage has improved and it is great now. Alhumdulliah! Your post is one that all should read and reread, as you let us all know what you were doing wrong and what you did right to get it better.

    Thank you!

  • Tasliyman

    October 3, 2017

    Aslm,
    I went through the stage of trying to be numb too. It didnt quite work out. :-). At the time I thought it would help me to get hurt less.

    But I see now that the only reason I got hurt so often was because my focus was on my husband and constantly trying to compare my relationship with him to his relationship with his other wife. The smallest things would upset me back then.

    Once I managed to shift my focus to being the best Muslim I can be and to please Allah by changing the way I do everyday things, everything started to fall in place.

    My relationship with my husband has improved so much since then, in fact it’s really great. We have so much love, understanding, patience and respect for each other. I’m no longer bothered by what’s going on between him and his other wife anymore. I actually want him to be as good to her as he is to me because I want him to please Allah by being good to both his wives.

    Other people’s negative comments will hurt you as long as you also think and feel negatively about your marriage. Once you are able to accept that this is what Allah has put out for you and you embrace all the positive parts and blessings in it, other people’s negative comments have a much smaller impact on you. If you keep in mind that they are acting in a way that suggests they dont believe that Allah is the best of planners, it makes it easier to just ignore them, move on with your life and continue being happy and content.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2017

    Rosa,

    I tend to think that to go “numb” is a suggestion from Satan. Probably the only time wives want to distance themselves from their husbands and go numb is when things aren’t going their (the wives) way and they aren’t liking their husbands all that much. When the wives are getting their needs, wants, and desires met, they quickly come up out of that numb state. They come alive and begin to feel the love again. It’s just my thoughts about it.

    Allah says that He placed love in the hearts and spouses should live together in peace and tranquility. It doesn’t sound that feeling numb is a good fit. Wanting to go numb is probably a good signal that something is wrong… The wives need to check themselves and ask what the real reason for it is.

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    Insha Allah, you’re all well. I don’t know what to say about all that is happening in the US and globally. I’m losing my enthusiasm for travel, after hearing of all the tragedies – terror acts in France and Canada. All the hurricane damage to the US Islands and the earthquake in Mexico City, not to mention Turkey and Greece (the two places I used to long to visit) have got their problems. I dunno. Home is looking better to me everyday…Sigh

    Rosa and Saira,

    Thanks for your kind words about the post/article. I’m glad to know it was helpful.

  • Saira

    October 2, 2017

    Aslamu Alamykum
    Sister Ana what a wounder full perfect post you wrote very heart touching I will copy and paste in my notes to keep reminding my self your advice
    Love you sister may Allah bless you ameen.

    Sister mari2
    If I were you I would answer my husband phone and reply her from his phone in his writing and let her know she can’t keep txting non important in my time lol
    She seems like doing it to annoy you
    Next time if she ask then say you busy planning night out with hubby 😂😂

  • Rosa

    October 2, 2017

    Dear sis Tunis how are you??? Please update us. InshaAllah all is well. Think of you often.

  • Rosa

    October 2, 2017

    Excellent post. It’s such a thin line because ones heart is continually turning day to day. I get so afraid making the mistake of putting my husband before Allah or making him my mini lord so I thought it easier to become numb altogether so I will never fall victim of this. It’s a constant battle. With sincere Dua everything is possible

  • anabellah

    October 2, 2017

    Mari2,

    I’m glad you liked the post and thank you for adding to it 🙂

    Sounds like you’re handling things well with the co. Your post caused me to chuckle. It’s funny that your co calls you and let loose on you the way she does. LOL

  • Mari2

    October 2, 2017

    Good post. If I also may add, it’s important for wives to establish boundaries. My co is young and several weeks ago chose to vent onto me, not only how she saw me as a problem in her marriage but she complained about M and MIL as well. Any marital issues that she and M have are not my issue, nor should I be privy to them. So I didn’t give her a response to her accusations against him or her complaints about MIL.

    Lately, co is okay. However she has a habit during my time to message me with things like “Tell M. I need him to answer my call.” Or “Ask M. (Something unimportant).” So this weekend I told her that I do not spend every minute of my time with him, and I am not the go between for them. She can contact him directly and wait for him to respond.

  • anabellah

    October 1, 2017

    You should beware of the type of person who is not married, AND whom you know don’t like polygamy, yet asks you questions that without a doubt will create doubt in you about your way of life. Most likely she is on a mission to do you no good, rather want to add to any distress and anxiety that you may have already. They pretend to have a sincere interest and concern about you, but surely don’t.