How to Get Rid of the Pain

How to Get Rid of the Pain

When it comes to living in a polygamous marriage, most wives want to know how to get rid of the pain. The pain and suffering that they endure are their biggest problem. For instance, many of them become depressed and can’t eat or sleep. Most can’t stop thinking about what their husbands and the other wives are doing when together. The wives feel an agonizing pain in their hearts that words can’t describe.

I will talk about how to get rid of the pain based on what I have learned on the polygamy 411 blog. Nearly no woman regardless of where she lives is free of having an issues with polygamy when she is in it. Mainly, it’s because she didn’t grow up in societies that readily accepted polygamy. The way of life is new to most women. Not to mention that sharing a husband is foreign to them. Most never expected to live the lifestyle. They certainly never wanted to.

Of course, I’m not speaking of women who voluntarily seek out an alternative lifestyle. Choosing to live a way that isn’t the norm is not the same as finding oneself in it. I’m speaking of Muslim and non-Muslim women who have Muslim husbands. They are the ones who should know that one day their husbands may take other women to marry.

Most can’t tell her how to get rid of the pain

They just don’t know. For instance, they tell the woman to stay busy and do things that she enjoys. She’s told to socialize with others to help her feel better. It’s said that it would get her mind off her situation. Needless to say, those things are just Band-Aids.

Surely one could stay busy and be around people. Yet, it doesn’t stop her from worrying about her problems. When in a state of depression, it’s not easy for her to socialize and stay busy.

A depressed person loses the joy and enthusiasm for the things that she used to do. They can’t get motivated to do practically anything. They can barely do their usual daily chores and duties. Taking care of their responsibilities becomes a chore that they can’t manage.

How to get rid of the pain isn’t as difficult as one may think

First, the wife needs to understand that she is unhappy because of her thoughts. She needs to keep her thoughts in the present, not in the past, nor in the future, not on something unknown, and not on something imaginative. If her thoughts aren’t in the present, the here and now, they are from Satan.

Satan whispers things to us to make us feel sorry or badly about ourselves. Furthermore, he whispers things to make wives imagine what their husbands and their other wives are doing etc. A woman must know her thoughts, and where they come from as the first step for her to feel better. Then she is on her way to winning the battle that she has with Satan. It’s a good start on how to get rid of the pain.

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How to Get Rid of the Pain

Books about polygamy in Islam

250 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 21, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I love the way you worded the reminder about husbands not needing their wives consent/permission to engage in polygamy. It was so precise and succinct https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • ummof4

    February 21, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ladies, please remember, the husband does not need his wife’s permission to marry another wife, he already has permission from Allah.

  • Serena

    February 20, 2017

    Sara

    I agree I think the husband should discuss with existing wife/wives if he plans on getting another. Whether or not he needs the first wife’s consent I guess it depends on the individuals involved. Some husband’s know they won’t get consent so go ahead and marry again anyway. They rather face the music afterwards. Anyhow it all happens just the way Allah planned it.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2017

    Sara,

    I think you’re a newbie, if I’m not mistaken. Welcome https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Thank you much for commenting. You’re right; who knows, maybe they’ll be friends one day. There’s an ayah in which Allah says that he could make someone who is an enemy to another today, a friend tomorrow https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Sara

    February 19, 2017

    It is better to have ones husband take another wife than find out he is having an affair and telling lies to you about where he is. If he is open honest and makes every effort to share his affection equally between wives it can work. Sure it’s hard when the new wife is younger and you feel she is prettier. It’s for the husband to discuss first with his wife and have her consent otherwise it won’t work. He will be happy you agree and you know where he is. You can enjoy space away from him and he will likely love you more and find your humility beautiful, more beautiful than looks alone. Of course there is jealousy and pain you embrace we are human. But you may.also find you eventually gain a close friend with the other wife.

  • Shabanah

    December 24, 2014

    Gail

    In other words your ex co wanted the husband their kids the white picket fence double garage the perfect bubble thats non existent. You’re such a sweetheart. Too bad for her.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    Gail,

    Good to hear from you, and that everything is moving along nicely. Moving is hectic. Don’t over exert yourself and be safe. Chat with you soon, Insha Allah. 🙂

  • Gail

    December 23, 2014

    Everyone.
    OK i am in the middle of my move from Missouri over the border to Arkansas.Hopefully if it doesn’t snow tonight I will be done tomorrow or the next day.

    Shabanah,
    The problem in a nutshell with my excowife is that she wanted her 2 kids and my husband but she didn’t want me or my son.Now normally that would be acceptable in alot of u women’s cases but my husband and I decided that we would not live separate and pay two separate housing etc… and my cowife was just screaming for him to divorce me and her mys husband sister was married to my cowife brother which made for one hell for a family feud.In the end hubby divorced her and my sister inlaw is in process of divorcing my excowife’s brother.My excowife has 2 kids with hubby that I am raising and I have 1 with hubby and I have an older son from my first marriage(my first husband dies 3 yrs ago).My husband only lived with my excowife 2 yrs their entire marriage and hubby and I have been married 11 yrs.
    I don’t know some woman never accept is all I can think I really don’t know.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    Shabanah,

    You made me laugh LOL. Thanks for the positive, uplifting post. Insha Allah, I’m going to take your advice. No more talk from me about those #$%^@. You’re absolutely right. If I get nutso and say anything about them again, you give me a good kick in the rear, and wake me up. I need wake up calls too. I fall asleep. Allah says ignore ignorance, but I haven’t been doing a good job at it. I intend to get it right though. I won’t give up regardless of how long it may take me to get it right.

    Yes, Shabanah, silent readers are beginning to come forward I am so ecstatic about it. It’s a happy day. I pray Allah swt keeps sending more and more bright and beautiful people our way. Alhumdulliah. Thanks again, Sis. You were very helpful. People forget I’m in need of help from all of you too.

  • Shabanah

    December 23, 2014

    I meant and the silent readers who are gradually making their presence known

  • Shabanah

    December 23, 2014

    Ana

    People will always look for negativity in something great and positive. Disregard them. This blog has helped many including myself in ways you know not. If the silent readers who are gradually making their presence known. This is a safe place for many. All those other whack jobs out there, you know who you are….yeah you go get a life because apparently you dont have one. Ana, pay them no mind and their empty threats continue doing what you do. Lets not give them any importance by discussing those low lifes.

    Ummlana 10 kids thats uh-mazing. So i was half way right haha

  • coco

    December 23, 2014

    ummlana
    It’s absolutely okay… Yes she does know he intends to marry again but I’m not sure how detailed she is regarding this matter as I don’t ask him things that are spoken between both of them. You said it sister we could really do without negativity! ☺️ MashAllah 10 kids they must have super fun when all together lol bless them! xo

    Ana
    “The Prime Minister of Australia, maybe he could do something about it.” This part had me giggling for a minute or two ☺️ lol OMG I’m sooooo soooooooo glad “cray cray” is gone! She was so mentally draining, if one can’t uplift another then don’t try to throw another to the nether end. Shaking my head! xo

  • ummlana

    December 23, 2014

    Ana
    Aww honestly its a shame how degrading people can become. Vent away its your right. You put your everything in this blog, not to see it being misused by people who dont know their asses from their elbow. (As you v nicely put it. Lol,

    Shabanah ,
    Lol. It defiantly feels like that when all our children come over to mines. Lol. Theirs 10 altogether Alhamdulilah

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    Let me make a clarification before some of the people out there in cyberspace get it twisted. When I mention my husband having a “girlfriend whom he calls wife”, it was an example. He has no girlfriend whom he calls wife.

    I made the clarification, as I know how some minds out there is cyberspace work; I’ve seen it. They get all excited and, for instance say, “Oh, WE GOT HER NOW. She said her husband has a girlfriend he calls wife. Oh, oh, oh. They don’t know what to do with themselves. They probably have orgasms when they read it. I could hear them now saying what should we do with the information? Who should we tell? We better write Tony Abott, The Prime Minister of Australia, maybe he could do something about it.

    SAD,SAD,SAD…

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    ummlana,

    You are correct; I can’t please everyone. It simply annoys me to no end and I’m dumbfounded at how ignorant some people are. I don’t understand it and won’t

    Even after I have let it be known on this blog what the laws about polygamy are (there are none on the books for polygamy in the United States. There are only laws for “bigamy”) they just don’t get it. Their little minds can’t comprehend it.

    They go about making these idle threats, trying to ruin other people’s lives and they don’t know their asses from their elbows. They don’t know anything about freedom of religion in the United States. They don’t know our constitutional rights. They don’t know the laws, yet they want to run off at the mouth and say what they’re going to do to try to jam someone up when they have no knowledge and no sense

    I would never have begun the blog almost six years ago when I did, had I known it would get me in trouble with the law or cause harm to my family. I know none of it could happen I’m simply amazed at how people make total FOOLS of themselves in an effort to try to bring harm to someone they don’t know, little ole me and my family.

    No one in authority gives a sh!t about my husband and me. He and I are a little speck of nothing on this planet There are more important things than me and my husband and whether he has a girlfriend whom he calls a wife or whatever. I’m surprised the ignoramuses didn’t write a letter to President Barack Obama about me and our blog. It’s how much of a dunce these people are. They need to hide their faces in shame for having no brain that can function with intellect. I’m confounded by them.

    ummlana, you should not have got me started LOL. It’s all good, though! I vented once again.

    @Shabanah,

    Thank you for the prayer. I could use Allah’s Mercy and forgiveness after the rant I just did.

  • Shabanah

    December 23, 2014

    Ummlana
    When you said allll the children have such great times together it made me assume like 20 kids lol. But im so happy they are given the privilege to grow up together. Allah is so Kind

  • ummlana

    December 23, 2014

    Ana
    Oh, how sad. Don’t worry, You can’t please everyone, you weren’t meant to. You’ve helped many people, including myself. don’t let these people get to you. People have issues that they need to solve rather then become hard hearted and see the world through negative lenses. We could really do without negativity.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    Oh, I said she’s an @$$ pain; well, she is more like an @$$ wipe.

  • anabellah

    December 23, 2014

    ummlana,

    Lah in a nut shell, is an A hole that was here on the blog at one time who harassed a couple of our commentators. She hates polygamy, second wives, me and the blog. Apparently she was in a polygamous marriage, but we really don’t know. She has commented here as the mother (Lah), as the daughter (Rafat), and as the “polygamous father”. It is believed she has posted on another blog as my supposed “neighbor” who has no sense, and possibly, at least once, as a person on the old blog known as “C”. She appears to have multiple personalities. She has threatened to go to the police and tell them that my husband is polygamous and as recently as last week emailed me to say she going to go to women agencies to have the blog removed. She’s a psycho who has nothing better to do than obsess over me, and the blog. As coco says, she’s cray, cray, as in crazy. So that is Lah. She lied and said she was commenting from Pakistan, but was posting from the U.S. She’s an @$$ pain to put it mildly.

  • ummlana

    December 23, 2014

    Ana you mentioned lah at one point.
    Who is Lah?

  • ummlana

    December 23, 2014

    Shabanah and coco
    Yes its definitely good for all the children, they allll have such a nice time together and are v close.
    Coco
    If you don’t mind me asking, doesn’t your soon to be co have any idea that your intended and you have communication? Sorry I’m being curious.

  • Shabanah

    December 22, 2014

    Ummlana

    That is awesome mashaAllah. Im so happy to hear that.

    Gail

    I actually lived 15 minutes away from murree at a point. Murree is lovely. Great for tourist. Amazing shopping and eating. I’ve been to Islamabad, abbottabad, ayubia, changla guli, natia gali. Ayubia lift chairs aregreat. I lived in Rawalpindi too

    Too bad for your exco im confident you would have made a wonderful co. Her lost your gain. How could she not make an effort to be involved in her and your 3 childrens lives though. Thats unheard of.

  • coco

    December 22, 2014

    ummlana
    I so so LOVE the fact that your husband is adamant that all his children should have a good relation with each other and regardless of the wives takes them all out once a week! That’s how a man should take control of the situation lol I mean he can’t force the wives but he can be assertive about all the children being siblings! Good for him! MashAllah ☺️

  • Gail

    December 22, 2014

    Shabanah,
    My children no longer see their biological mother.My excowife and husband are first cousins and there is this huge family feud and so no contact for the last almost 3 years now.She has only seen her Biological son twice in his life.Once I let her keep him for close to a year.She has made no effort to contact me to see the kids at all.To top things off she doesn’t accept my biological child with my husband so I just gave up trying to deal with her as she is acting like a Horses A$$.She is Pakistani and now lives in a village with her family.
    It is sad that people have to act like horses A$$es when children are involved.

  • Gail

    December 22, 2014

    Shabanah,
    Seriously find out if u can about Lahore because I have sister inlaws that live in Lahore and If the woman are meeting once a month I could go to Lahore easy when I am in Pakistan.That would be so awesome.I don’t know how long u have actually lived in in Pakiland but it just kills me to have to stay indoors and not have any friends to chat with in English.Shabanah I really do understand how u feel.
    Shabanah have u been to Murree yet?It is a really awesome place up in the Mountains and they have chairlifts that take u through the mountains.It is so much fun and very safe.They have nice restaurants all around.If u have not been as soon as it starts to warm up a little in the spring make your hubby take u there.Islamabad is also alot of fun if u have not been and these places are safe.U may have already been to these places just thought I would give u food for thought.Oh and Taxilla I really liked that area also they have a museum if u like that Museums.

  • ummlana

    December 22, 2014

    Assalamualaikum ana
    Its a complicated one because first wife was aware hubby was looking for another wife before he married 2nd and the same with 2nd wife. But they haven’t accepted each other..yet. He says he did try to bring them together but it became v messy.
    Shabanah
    One thing I’m soo greatful about is that hubby is adamant on the fact that all his children should have a good relation with each other regardless of the wives. So hubby takes them all out once a week and he’d take them to each cowives house to play etc..

  • Shabanah

    December 22, 2014

    Thats so unfortunate. May Allah bless your efforts. I don’t know if you all have children but if so, I just think its sad and disheartening that they wont grow up together as siblings because their mothers cant come together and be responsible adults. My first co has 4 kids all a little older than me except her last who is 16 and my second co has two kids the youngest being 11 and I have two and I do everything with all the children younger than I plus my two. They are my children’s brothers and sisters. I hope all of you alls children do not resent their mothers in the future. Imma pray on it.

    I pray all of you are having a blessed day full of the mercy and protection of Allah. Remember Allah loves each and every one of you.

  • anabellah

    December 22, 2014

    ummlana, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re ahead of the game. The husband let you know not to waste your time. He said, “they’ve always been like that.” I say move on and let them be. Don’t put forth any more effort. If it’s meant for you and any of them to come together, perhaps you’ll be put in a situation that will bring it about, which you’re not aware of yet. You have no obligation to keep trying with them. You’re not obligated to force yourself on them, and make them accept you. They’ve got issues that they will have to deal with on their own.

    I can’t keep up with who said what, anymore. I think someone already mentioned what I’m about to say. Your husband may have lied and hide with the other wives the same as he did you. Maybe the 1st found out about the 2nd in the same way and so it went with all the wives. He wasn’t straight forward with anyone. Worse he didn’t try to bring everyone together for a single purpose – to serve and worship Allah. He was trying to fulfill his own desires, which is what most of the polygamous men that we hear of have done.

    You’ve got it going on, as you know what been happening in these marriages, as you’ve been reading along here for a year now. You get yourself right with Allah and deal only with your marriage. Should the other wives get themselves together deal with each one when and if they do. If they don’t, no sweat off your back. It’s how I see it.

  • ummlana

    December 22, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I did try, invited the cos for tea, lunch , shopping etc..theyd reply back saying they don’t want to have anything to do with me or the other co wives. Not to contact them. I did receive insults and foul language. 3rd wife told hubby I’m texting her nasty messages and threatening to ruin her marriage. Hubby knew my intentions he was supportive but later he told me not to waste my time they’ve always been like that. So I leant my lesson, some things aren’t meant to be right?

  • ummlana

    December 22, 2014

    Gail and shabanah , I agree it is a win win setup. All the wives agreed to Hubby’s schedule. I can’t begin to imagine how it’d be if I had to wait 3 weeks just to see him.

  • Shabanah

    December 22, 2014

    Thanks coco and Gail. Im going to contact them soon hopefully. Good looking out 😉

    Ummlana that’s an awesome setup. Its a win win. Have you ever tried to unite all the co’s..Or are you just trying to stay out of the line of fire? I would understand if you did.

  • Gail

    December 21, 2014

    Coco,
    Thank u I will sure be getting in touch with ISB embassy when I do go back.

    Shabanah,

    So u r from Lahore thats great I have family in Lahore.Contact Embassy see if they can hook u up!lol

    Ummlana,

    U have a unique set up.I think it is great u get to see your hubby everyday.Its sad though that none of the wives get along and u really don’t know why.

  • ummlana

    December 21, 2014

    Ana,
    Lol yup that’s how we role. Lol.
    Don’t feel like I have to wait a long time as I do see him every day. Alhamdulilah.
    Not sure why the co wives don’t like each other. Maybe it is jealousy/ envy. Or maybe something happened before I married him. I’ve yet to find out. And when I do I’ll share it with you. Maybe we can figure what to do.

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2014

    ummlana, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sis, thanks for letting me know your schedule. I was just curious. Wait, you’re the wife with three cos. It’s an interesting schedule you have.

    I see a lot of different schedule wives have from every other night; to a month every five months; to every three days; now I see every other week. It could be whatever we make it with the permission of Allah. It’s nice you and the children see him everyday. But, wait a minute. If there are four wives and each wife gets a week; you see him at night, one week a month. I suppose you all could have intimacy with him any day, during the day

    I’d love to understand why none of the wives like one another. Maybe it’s just the ole jealousy,envy thing.

  • ummlana

    December 21, 2014

    Glad your back coco.
    Ana, you asked about our schedule. We have a week each (nights). During the mornings he visits each wife and children. So Ido get to see him everyday. Regarding my co wives, its not that I’m a new comer. Non of the co wives like each other and have limited conversations if any. I don’t really understand why.

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Shabanah
    The number I gave in the previous post is for the American embassy in Islamabad it’s good for Gail to get info but no good for you here’s the number for U.S counselate in Lahore (042) 36034169 xo

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Marie
    JazahkAllah much for your warm words it means a lot. I hope your enjoying your weekend with your husband ☺️ xo

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Shabanah & Gail
    I sure think you should join asap! I’m sure if you call the American embassy in Islamabad they will be able to give you info about such clubs. This is the number you can try telling them your an American citizen and are looking to join a woman’s association to get linked up with fellow Americans living here 92-51-208-0000. The friendships made there are instantaneous as we all are in the same boat. Aside from the socialising and learning the food and culture from a fresh perspective everyone is coming together for a good cause. It’s beautiful that all the money helps woman who are abused by husbands or are on their own trying to make a living are helped to provide food and education for their kids betterment. Good luck! xo ☺️

  • coco

    December 21, 2014

    Ana
    Hehehe I just needed a breather… when I got myself my chocolate chip cookie dough fix at TCBY I felt goooooooooooood ☺️ Everyone comes into this world making their own place I don’t think anyone is replaceable as no two people are the same. I won’t be pushy but I will extend my hand and she will come around when she’s ready I guess. If one keeps their intentions pure the other sooner or later realises it. She has the right to never want to see my face as well if that gives her solace so be it. But I would be saddened if our kids are not able to be siblings. The husband plays a strong role in how the two wives react to each other, if he knows what to say and how to keep both wives secure then the road won’t be too bumpy. I’m gonna stay positive! I have problems with massages hahaha I can’t relax and enjoy it completely I still get them done cuz of the amounts of knots I have I feel lighter afterwards even if I can’t enjoy them at the time lol I’m the same way I can’t deal with negative and evil people I just cut em off like they never existed. Ignorance is bliss! xo ☺️

  • Shabanah

    December 20, 2014

    Gail

    I think so too as I have zero friends here 🙁

  • Gail

    December 20, 2014

    Coco,
    I agree with Shabanah this is AMAZING to know.How do I find out if ISB has one?
    Shabanah I would totally encourage u to join if u can.It would be such a blessing for you i think.

  • Shabanah

    December 20, 2014

    Coco

    This American woman’s association sounds awesome. I’d love to join.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2014

    coco,

    I think you would make an awesome co-wife. I’m sure I’ve said it before. Marie is right; you’d enter a polygamous marriage, knowing full and well what you’re signing up for. Unlike some women, you don’t have hope he’d end his other marriage or you’re replacing her. You’d both be wives in your own right. Nothing annoys me more than the women who enter a polygamous marriage, hating polygamy, thinking they are replacing the other wife and things of that nature. You being Muslim already know what polygamy is about. It sounds a polygamous marriage is a good fit for you. I believe it’s a good marriage for many women. It’s just a matter of getting acclimated to it and truly knowing our Islam.

    Who knows whether your future co will accept you or not. Even if not, there no sweat off your brow. I’ve come to learn it’s not worth putting oneself out there trying to make friends with some people. We should do our research, learn what we’re dealing with, and make a judgement call about whether to be bothered with a person or not. Don’t waste your valuable time trying to convince someone of anything, especially a husband’s other wife.

    I totally get where Gail is coming from and it’s a beautiful thing to want to connect with others and work together. I’m all for it; however, one has to try to connect with like minded people. Allah could make those who are enemies friends tomorrow; however, the person has to change what’s in her or his heart before it happens. People have to do the right thing according to the dictates of Islam.

    About you not liking hugs, I have a sister who is that way. She’s gotten better over the years, but she’s not a touchy, feely person. She has problems with getting massages too, but she’s working her way into it. I don’t know how she’s doing these day, cuz I cut my ties with her. I can’t deal with people who are straight up evil. After a while one learns a leopard doesn’t change it’s spot.

  • Marie

    December 20, 2014

    Coco, soooo glad you back alhamdulilah. I’m gonna be quick as it’s my hubz first night back.
    You said something I love to hear from someone marrying a married man. You said polygamy is a blessing for you due to your situation. Ana said before that some woman accept polygamy JUST for the man. Without actually wanting polygamy. I thought hmmmm ent that the truth. No wonder they have so much problems when their actually in polygamy, they never wanted to share in the first place. I think you’ll do just fine in your polygamy family Insha’allah. I wish my co had a frame of mind like you.

  • anabellah

    December 20, 2014

    coco,

    You don’t know how happy I am to see you. I was getting concerned about you. Then I remembered you said you’ve got tough skin. But, I still was a bit worried. You certainly are one tough cookie. I could learn a thing or two from you, sis. 🙂 I’ll be back to read you. I have to run, and do a few things about the house, but Insha Allah, I’ll be back. I’ve got some catching up here on the blog to do.

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Gail
    Thank you for your kind words and love. He sure does rub me wrong 100 ways. I so get you hateful and uncaring that’s exactly how I felt about him half the time lol He had a personality disorder so sometimes he was really funny and nice as well. To come to think of it I was just telling ummof4 how I’m not an affectionate individual and I think that’s the one thing I got from him. For instance even if we meet after years he will give me a cold pat on my shoulder like “Hey there Charlie” lol My brother knowing I’m that way teases me with a “high five” when he meets me after a while then I hug him out of baby pride to prove I’m not robotic lol My brother was affected by my father the same way as my mother was, I took a different turn keeping everything bottled up or finding humour in the situation. My father would be out of it full enraged, screaming ready to strike and I’d just make the same angry face imitating him the best I can and ALL of us would start laughing uncontrollably I’ve definitely got some of that crazy gene. I am always one to hold on to hope I pray everyday for the happiness of everyone linked to me in any way. I will be patient a lifetime if I have to for her to accept me and I really do believe one day she will inshAllah I do exact prayers as well but after duas from the Quran. I really believe Allah accepts our dua in any form as long as it’s from the heart. Forget me making a excellent co-wife I wish you were my co-wife lol And yes the Peshawar massacre was devastating I’ve been glued to the TV ever since, humanity is dying sadly soon animals will be more civilised than the human race. One more topic I wanted to touch with you Americans living in Pakistan have made associations for Americans they meet weekly bi-monthly for lunches in which all the money is donated to woman in villages to make a living through various crafts like embroidering clothes, making candles or pottery. They have many events, get togethers, spa sessions and ahhhhhhhhmazing Christmas events in which they all bake and donate stuff they don’t need anymore raising proceeds for non profit organisations. I am on and off as my schedule is pretty tight most of the time, but OMGGGGGGG it’s just the best feeling to have conversation with not just people who speak English but fellow “Americans”! We came to know when we went to the American consulate to notarise a document my mom got into a conversation with a white American lady working there and my mum was just soooooo ecstatic she said why don’t you join the American woman’s association and we did! I’m sure they have it in Islamabad as well. My moms best friend for about 40 years was a white British lady she loved Pakistan just like you and she was a part of the British woman’s association she didn’t feel like she missed living in the west at all as she felt more pampered living here. It was funny she used to pick up my mom and go shopping without her family and let’s say my mother is in the states she would take the servants lil son and he would help her buy things in the market she got pretty good at bargaining she was unstoppable! lol Unfortunately she passed away a few years back from cancer she found out at last stage we moved in to her place in her final month on her request as we were her only “family” her family never bothered showing up as it’s far, really hot and they were scared of getting sick here. Smh. She would say to my mom hugging her constantly that your my sister I love you that’s all I need here before I pass on, they shared the most beautiful friendship. About me not being affectionate she would hug me for minutes at a time, she’d say I will keep holding on to you until I melt you or your poor kids won’t ever know how it feels to be hugged by a mother lol In her final days she said that I’m exactly where I belong my heart belongs in Karachi and I will forever she chose to pass away and be buried here. I think Pakistan does that to you, a part of your heart just gets left here when you leave. Much love to you sister! xo ☺️

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    ummlana & Shabanah
    Thank you both for the love and jazahkAllah for the duas! Both of your posts were very comforting to read. I’m so thankful that Allah has guided you both here. You both add a great flavour to the palate here☺️ Much love to both of you uplifting beings xo ❤️

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    ummof4
    JazahkAllah for the duas sister. My mother would never keep me with her after I get married she’d say I’ll just hire a driver and manage my appointments but I just can’t sideline her she was our mother and father. Her oncologist is a very close family friend we trusted that’s why we opted to get her treated and operated here so after her treatment is over than I can take her back to the states and situate her with my brother so he isn’t alone either, something will work out I truly believe it inshAllah My intended won’t have any issue whatsoever with my mom staying with us but I don’t think my mom’s a huge fan of him yet lol but she will soften up slowly inshAllah. Polygany turned out to be a blessing for me to be honest. After I got over the ache of him getting married I really began to realise slowly that this was a true blessing in disguise for me as we both travel frequently and he has his first wife to give time to I won’t have to neglect my family after I get married I’ll automatically have off time from him to be around them. Allah O Akbar! My brother did promise me he will find a way for us all to be in the same city so the good times are rolling in inshAllah. To be honest a funny fact about me is I’m not very affectionate at all I don’t like hugs or unnecessary touch lol Everyone has side effects being around such negativity mine is that I’m cold and don’t like closeness lol but I’ll hold on to that and report back about that hug once he’s my husband if it’s Allahs will ☺️ Lots of love sister ❤️ xo

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Marie
    When I was saying “Did I say once that it’s right I’m in contact with him” I meant that for a few of the others who were saying it’s not right” sometimes when I’m writing I keep adding things that come to mind I can see how you thought otherwise. I know you were just trying to help, its all good sister! xo ☺️

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Ana
    Love you too! I by no means singled you out with the flaws bit, I was addressing everyone and wasn’t looking down upon anyone in any way it was a generalisation that’s why I addressed the post to all sisters. I meant it helps if one chooses their words meticulously when addressing others. I’m flawed and I recognise it that’s why I’m careful before I judge or form a conclusion for another because I may be no better that them in the eyes of Allah. Ana no I didn’t ever feel the need to talk about this, it’s messy, I have a good understanding of how to tackle the situation and what I need to do Alhumdulilah! If Allah befalls calamities upon us he also gives us the endurance to sustain it. Even in pain there are blessings to be seen, we just have to be willing to see what they are. Through it all, there is light. We need to find the positivity in the pain and dwell there instead of in the pain itself. Much love ☺️ xo

    “What hurts you, blesses you. Darkness is your candle.”
    Rumi.

  • coco

    December 20, 2014

    Assalaamualeikum and a BIG hello to the lovely sisters here,

    Dysfunction: the condition of having poor and unhealthy behaviours and attitudes within a group of people.

    That’s all I meant regarding my family as it’s easier to use this one word than to get into negative detailing that I’d rather not do. Now that I think of it I should have just said to see “August: Osage County” and watch out for Meryl Streep that’s the epitome of my father’s character ALL her attributes are evident in my father and you would have gotten a good idea of where I’m coming from lol Ana you wanted to know what a functional family is I may not have the correct answer but I do have some thoughts, to me the foundation of such families is RESPECT for one another as consistently as possible. A member of the family can share their opinions, thoughts, wants, dreams, desires and feelings without the fear of being slammed, shamed, belittled or dismissed. Parents that co-parent as a team in which they emulate the same goals for their children and who are accountable to one another. A family in which unity is apparent regardless of conflict or the ups and downs in life. I’ve seen many “healthy” never perfect families it’s very important for the man of the family to be healthy or its like driving a car with one tyre flat knowing that there is a spare wheel in the trunk but the driver just doesn’t want to change it. How far can a car get anywhere in this state? There is no ill will or resentment towards anyone I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t have to go through such obstacles or negativity and many people around the world have it probably 100 times worse so Alhumdulilah for all the tests that came my way and are to come in the future. I agree you all aren’t mind readers to know this but did I really have to bear it all before I could get a nod of approval for my case being genuine from all of you? Sad! I mean come on when another says they’re in a pickle you take their word for it I know I do that’s why I gave an example with my brother when he says “I’m doing the best in my abilities in my given situation” I don’t go saying but hey hey hey no no no you should be doing this or you could have done that I TRUST him and say okay I will keep you in my duas and may Allah do what’s best for you. But us humans have become so rigid with the pain we’ve encountered it’s made us dismissive by nature we just don’t give the benefit of the doubt anymore I’ve sensed that here as well. If one is severe and harsh-hearted when dealing with the society, we are way far away from the attribute of kindness. One must be flexible, calm and soft hearted when dealing with people. If you are angry and disappointed by someone, do not show it or react to others for it. They have absolutely nothing to do with what you are undergoing. I guess being harsh or showing tough love is not islam either just as labelling isn’t.

    “Kind speech and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury. And Allah is Free of need and Forbearing.” (2:263)

    This verse has a subtlety in it and gives the right sense of principle for humanity. Kindness is a mark of faith. Allah showers kindness to those people who are kind to his creation. In a gentle way you can shake the world… I still got nothing but love for you all ☺️ xo

  • Gail

    December 19, 2014

    Coco,
    I wish I could give u a HUGE hug.I am really sorry to hear your mom is suffering of Cancer it sure hits home for me going through my own Breast Cancer scare back in Oct.
    I am amazed of what a great daughter u are and how much compassion u have.It obviously must come from your mother since she shows compassion for your dad.
    As far as your dad I agree with your mom in respect to that just because he acted wrong does not mean u have to act wrong also.Parents esp… Dads i believe alot of times they just don’t get it how important their family is until they themselves become ill.
    I am sure your dad rubs u wrong in a 100 different ways.My own father rubs me wrong like that also.My dad is not a drinker but he was just not emotionally there for us growing up I felt a real hateful and uncaring person to be frank.
    As far as your Fiance goes I am hoping for your sake u r not going to run into his family trying to throw roadblocks up.That is my main fear for u guys.
    I will be honest I am a hopeless romantic and I really do hope your future cowife will accept the marriage.I will advice u to pray on it very very hard and ask Allah to bless your marriage and particular ask for your future cowife acceptance by heart.I love to prayer exact prayers.
    I really do think u will make an excellent cowife.
    I was so sad to hear about the children in Peshwer what a horrible thing to have happen.

  • Shabanah

    December 19, 2014

    Ummof4,

    40 years wooow mashaAllah. Hats off to you. Allah has truly blessed you. May HE continue to do so.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    ummlana,

    If you don’t mind me asking, what is the schedule like for you and your cos. Does he have a free style schedule in which he visits any wife he’d like whenever or is it a rigid schedule? Do you think the other wives don’t like you simply because you were a new addition to the family or do they seem to have other issues about you? I was just wondering…

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    ummlana, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I went back and read all your posts. I thought I had missed most of your story, but I hadn’t. I mentioned in one post that I thought you had posted on the older blog, but you had already said it was your first time posting. I go Kookoo at times trying to keep up with who is who.

    It’s really cool. We now have wives here who have married in the order of 1, 2 3, & 4. I think it’s awesome. If we could all get along together here on the blog and learn from one another, it’s bound to help everyone’s personal home life. I think there is beauty in polygamy even though wives don’t get a long. We have to look at the bigger picture. I think women who are in these marriages may have something special about them and they have an opportunity to reach great heights. I just have a good feeling about it. All the pain, struggle and heartache is well worth it. We shall certainly see what awaits us. I pray the journey helps take us to Jannah/Paradise.

  • ummof4

    December 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Coco, I agree with the other blog sisters. We had no idea that you were dealing with serious family issues. Now we understand better. May Allah make it easy for you.
    As Ana stated, no family is “normal”. Every family, just as every person and every relationship, has its own set of positives and negatives.
    It is difficult to be a caregiver of an adult, whether it is your mother, father, spouse or sibling. However, we owe it to them, particularly to our parents, as Allah speaks about the treatment of parents in the Qur’aan.
    Coco, may Allah make it easy for you and your family and give you all the best. I will make du’ah for you all.
    Coco, I do have a question for you. If you and your intended get married soon, would you still be able to take care of your mother? It seems that since he travels a lot anyway, and already has a wife, it would not be necessary for you to give all your attention to him and neglect your own family. Just something to think about. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, particularly in a polygynous marriage. Also, having the emotional support of a husband in difficult times works wonders, believe me. Having a real shoulder to cry on and someone to hug can brighten up a woman’s day and make her load seem much lighter. And no hug is like the hug of your husband.
    When my husband and I were first married, we lived apart for a year. We saw each other every weekend. At the time, I could not go to live where he was, and he could not come to live where I was(his hometown). Alhamdulillah we made it through for the past 40 years, through all of the challenges we have faced in our lives.

    Jum’uah Mubarak to everyone and remember to thank Allah today and ask for His mercy and forgiveness. May we all meet in the Jannah, In shaa’Allah.

  • Shabanah

    December 19, 2014

    Ana, perhaps coco could have worded it better so she would not have been misunderstood but we all have our own definitions of words. And she probably didnt feel comfortable telling us details of her personal reservations but i guess she had to. It’s all love though. We wouldn’t be here going back and forth if it wasn’t. Love you all. Im so glad Allah brought us together.

  • anabellah

    December 19, 2014

    Oh, I forgot to add to the list of “dysfunction” people are dealing with: divorce; cheating spouses; down low husbands; family members with AIDS; family members who are transvestites; jobless husbands; people with a host of psychiatric problems; homelessness, oh, and polygamy, polyamory, bulimics, anorexic (people with eating disorders). I’m sure I missed listing some. I’m still waiting for someone to tell me what a “functional” family looks like.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    I’m lost. coco tells us she can’t get married because her family is “dysfunctional”. When I heard “dysfunctional” my mind went there. It’s something people like to talk about in this day and age – “dysfunction”. This family is “dysfunctional, that family is “dysfunctional”. It’s the same with people saying, “don’t judge me”; I don’t judge people; we shouldn’t judge; you have choices; people make bad choices; you’ve got to set boundaries; and blah, blah, blah. It’s what’s vogue at the moment.

    There is no such thing as a “dysfunctional family”. There are some people who are single parents; there are some people with gays in their families; there are some people who are sex addicts; alcoholics; drug addicts; workaholics; compulsive gamblers; compulsive liar; illiterates; autistic – you name it – families have got it. All families have got some of it. So I guess the whole world and everything in it is “dysfunctional”. It’s all I was saying.

    Coco didn’t until today say she was putting off marriage due to her mother being critically ill, and her brother dealing with depression and her dad dying who is an alcoholic. Had she said it, I doubt anyone would have kept putting in their two cents about her going ahead and getting married. We’re just hearing this from her today. No she didn’t have to tell us anything. But in order to speak to her intelligently we need to know what were dealing with. We are not mind readers here.

    We’ve been talking on the blog about Pakistani men who go off and marry their cousins and keep secret wives on the side. She and her relationship fit the bill. She’s been dating the man for three years. She dated him before he married his cousin and after (she’s still intended to him). People here spoke to her on it out of concern that he may be the typical Pakistani male we speak of here on the blog who does all that her intended seems to be doing. It’s what I’m talking about. People here, including myself, was concerned about her, as we only want good for her; although, what Allah has decided for her is what she’s going to get.

    Now, after all this time, she tells us that she’s dealing with “dysfunction” – crucial matters in her life, which is preventing her from marrying her intended as she doesn’t have time to focus on herself. Well, hello, we aren’t mind readers. How were we supposed to know it.

    Okay, coco’s dealing with serious personal issues in her life, which is preventing her from getting married right now or who know when to her intended who is already married. I get it. What more can be said. Insha Allah, Allah will be with her and see her through this trying time in her life.

  • Shabanah

    December 18, 2014

    Coco,

    It breaks my heart reading about all the hardships you have on your plate. May Allah ease the pain and suffering of your mother as she experiences this critical life threatening disease. I agree with ummlana, you DO NOT have to keep explaining yourself only you know what’s going on in your life. I think what Ana was trying to say about life being dysfunctional is life itself is abnormal. Something is always going to be happening dont let anything stop you from getting married. Thats what i translated it as im not sure if thats what she meant but if so, what you are going through takes the cake. I would postpone my desires and dreams under such circumstances too. May Allah keep you the loving, likable sweetheart you are because i know this huge responsibility is taking quite a toll on you. Lots of love and support.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    This is a little off topic, but, anyhow…

    The reason I get worked up in a tissy sometimes about us not being about the dos and don’ts in Islam here on the blog in terms of Muslim, pics, TV, zodiac signs etc is because I think many people miss the point and don’t understand what is really important in Islam. I read a book (not Quran and not a hadith), just a general book about Islam and what the author said always remained with me. He said we as Muslims should not get caught up in the dos and don’t s about Islam. We shouldn’t make Islam about dos and don’t s. “BELIEF” is very important. It makes believers – Belief in everything that Allah says in the Holy Quran.

    People think as long as they offer the salats, Fast the Holy Month of Ramadan, eat halal foods, which many Muslims don’t do – they are good to go. All those things are very important, but they forget an important thing that goes along with good deeds, which is Belief.

    Some of the dos and don’t s are so off-the-wall that it amazes me how much importance people put on these things: eat with your right hand; put your right shoe and sock on first; don’t post pics; don’t listen to music; don’t celebrate a birthday or the New Year; don’t smoke a cigarette; I think everyone gets the picture. Are those the things that are going to get us into Jannah/Paradise. What sin does those things fall under?

    You wouldn’t believe what I was told. My husband’s stepson studied Islam in Morocco for a few years. He said there were people there who actually had to get into the passenger side of a vehicle, but because they had to do everything from the right-side (you know the right sock on first thing), the person would go to the driver side of the car, enter from their right side and slide all the way over to the passenger side.

    There are ayat (verses) in the Quran that let us know it’s not what faith is all about. It’s about obeying Allah and all He says in the Quran.

    I have to run. I probably could have elaborated more.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    And before anyone (non-Muslims in particular who read here, not participants on this blog) get it twisted about my confession of sinning, Allah says if it wasn’t for His Mercy we would all be in the Hellfire. No one is without sin. Allah says a Believer is one who repents. In order for us to have a need to repent, we must sin. There are people who don’t recognize their sins; therefore, they don’t repent, and don’t ask Allah for His forgiveness. There is a difference between a believer and a non-believer. Allah says repeatedly in the Quran the believer and the non-believer are not alike.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    ummlana, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    You said that beautifully and eloquently. I thank Allah much for sending you here with the words we all needed to hear right now. Alhumdulliah for you being here and for your soothing words.

  • ummlana

    December 18, 2014

    Coco love,
    I don’t think you need to keep explaining yourself, like you said, its all about INTENTIONS.
    The ladies are all trying best to advise you, but you only know what is happening in your life which may be difficult for some of us to understand the delay of your marriage,and only you can decide what to do in your given situation. Your intention to marry is there, May Allah fulfill it, you arnt pestering and distracting their marriage to the degree that he is only thinking about you. I really can’t compherhend how you dealt with him marrying someone else when you both were on the verge of marrying. ..
    . Allah does test everyone in different ways thus I do hope you are able to marry quickly. May Allah have mercy on your family and grant them excellent health ameen.
    ….Wrong remains wrong even if the entire world is following it and right remains right even if your the only one following it….

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    coco, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I have to re-read your post again when not in a hurry. It seems you went loco on everybody. I don’t think anyone here has gotten self-righteous on you. Mostly everyone here has spoken of what they’ve endured and what they are going through the pain and heartache they’ve experience, except for maybe one person. Anyone who presents her life as being ideal and that they have no flaws or jealousies, selfishness or hate is only painting a picture they want others to see and the person isn’t being real and true to themselves or to others. It’s easy for someone to try to make people think they’ve got it going on, but it take a another kind of person to become vulnerable and to share.

    I have many flaws and faults and I sin. I analyze and critiques myself all the time. I repent and I ask Allah for forgiveness because I sin each and every day. I’ve shared many of my flaws and fault with everyone out there in cyberspace who have come to this blog. I did so for 5 1/2 years. I think it’s time for me to do less talking and more moderating.

    Coco, I think you simply went real personal. We as Muslims have to learn to unlearn what we’ve learned in this world. All this labeling of dysfunctional families and this syndrome and that and the other is not Islam. Allah talks nothing of such stuff in the Quran. The Prophet Muhammad (PBHU) we know was an orphan, as Allah speaks of it in the Quran. Did he come from a dysfunctional family? It’s what I’m talking about. It’s a bunch of bullcrap. coco, take it easy. If your family life is so “dysfunctional” maybe you shouldn’t be intended to anyone until you could pull yourself together with the help and permission of Allah. Your life is no worse than anyone else out there. Muslims should know that Allah tests believers. He reward people and He punishes people. This life on this planet is not Paradise/Jannah. Paradise/Jannah is what we strive for.

  • Marie

    December 18, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum all.

    @ummof4, no, you didn’t imagine it I am pregnant. Feeling the usual, sick and tired. Jazakallah for asking.

    @coco, sorry if I put words in your mouth, I must have misunderstood some of what you said. I never said you think it’s right that you contact him, I said you have no right, there is a difference. I was just giving you a heads up on how your future co wife Insha’allah may feel. You said you love and respect her, and you wanted him to be a good husband to her, I just address how you may not be helping, or showing love and respect.

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    Coco,

    Nothing you described in your life is abnormal. I’d like to know what a functional family looks like. All these labels people place on things???

  • anabellah

    December 18, 2014

    Coco,

    I must have confused u. By no means was I saying you used dysfunctional as an excuse not 2 marry quickly. I actually was saying your family is normal although there is no normal.There is just life. I was indirectly referring 2 people on other forums who sit around talking vanities. Anyhow, I am in a vehicle and on my phone so I’ll catch you later.

  • coco

    December 18, 2014

    Assalaamualeikum sisters!
    Marie I never said your husband seeked out another wife after marrying you I said “most” as I was addressing the situation of all ladies here. Did I say once that it’s right I’m in contact with him? I mean seriousssssssly!! I’m just trying to do the best as I can in MY ability and given situation. I will face Allah for my actions. I didn’t say I understand the pain you all are enduring I said I get where your coming from not “feeling” as in I understand your point of views as first wives your bringing to the table. Yes he is not my husband yes my pain doesn’t come even close to the degree you all have endured when have I claimed otherwise?!! Goshhhhhhhh. Ana I guess I gotta work with a timeline so I’m not spanked on statements that were initially after he got married that’s when he was calling and texting like a psycho and I thought these are the first days of her new beginning and he’s focused on me so I felt it’s better to just give a quick I’m there so he can be focused where he should be and it worked. No the chase doesn’t give me any form of thrill or glory consciously or sub-consciously as it gets stale after the first few months of getting to know one another. I’d rather have him next to me as a husband than to chase me for years. Thank you very much! ummof4 your words as a Muslimah are very measured and thought out I admire you for that. Shabanah you are a gem love! Gail you sure have that Aquarian humanitarian trait to show concern. I didn’t feel like it did anybody good or needed to be a part of this conversation I’m not about pity parties as I’m the type of person who prefers to have a little part of their life to remain private just for them but hey hey hold on that might just be one other excuse so might as well pour out or I’ll be misjudged yet again! Now my “dysfunction” that I guess gives off a nonchalant attitude towards marriage to others is to start off my mom had a major surgery for a malignant tumour about 3 years back followed by chemo/radiation for months I couldn’t exactly push for a marriage leaving her alone. Now she had follow up appointments few months back and she was told she’s in need of chemo/radiation yet again so I apologise for not focusing on getting married but my mother gets prioritised here. You all must be thinking well why do YOU have to be responsible for this can’t someone else be? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! My father having major psychological issues plus being a devoted alcoholic for 40 years had kicked us to the curb 12 years ago as he didn’t really think he needed us but periodically calling us back in between that no one cares about him he’s alone trying to entice us by sending tremendous amounts of money to get us back, money obviously isn’t everything for us. Their marriage was a war between a believer and a non-believer. Now I have shitl@ads of personal money being dumped into my business and also for my mother’s treatment as my father didn’t extend his hand when it mattered in fact he said “It’s good I hope she will die faster” and calling in between her operation and treatments saying “Is she dead yet?” I was alone in that duration no one but few friends stood by me for emotional support. I have one sibling he has had severe depression for several years because of the “mere dysfunctional bulls@it” he dealt with and didn’t come for the operation or treatments as he had his own malfunctions to deal with although he sent money willingly but he just wasn’t there. Now you all must be ticking your fingers that okay can’t your brother come back take over now and you go get married? Again NO, as a few months back he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown so should I leave my mother to a person who has his own depression, anxiety and panic attacks to deal with? I DON’T think so! Will he take care of her or she take care of him? I could have gotten married years ago like normal Pakistani girls but my mother and brother were not that emotionally or mentally stable so I stuck by them putting myself in the background and hold NO REGRETS. When others fail to stand up you don’t just sit there with your hands folded like whatever why should I then? If no one is taking responsibility someone has to step in. So yeah her treatments have delayed me from my business obligations and marriage or should I just fit a wedding in between a chemo and radiation session? Then run off with him disregarding her severe nausea, weakness and aftereffects? I can’t just leave my mother to deal with her illness, leave her in a retirement home or leave her to her family who’s only there when they need to borrow money or want someone to speak to some family member to resolve issues. If I were to marry I would want my brother well and present as he’s the only family I have after my parents pass on. I have a business partner there is so much I can leave for him to take care of. Now my father is also sick his liver is probably giving up on him and crying that he needs help and has changed for the better so during the duration of my business endeavours this trip I need to also pay him a visit as my mother says if someone does bad to you don’t reciprocate you do you duty as a daughter and go help him because you will be answerable to Allah for not doing your part for your parent when you could have and you never know when’s his last day at least you can say you did all you could on your part as a daughter subhanAllah may Allah bestow me the heart of this selfless kind woman. That’s why I believe let’s leave the judgement to Allah as he is the All Knowing, Beneficent and Compassionate who knows what’s inside genuinely in our hearts not any of us. Alhumdullilah I still am in a state of serenity as I’ve left all my affairs to Him and things will come into place as he’s the best of planners not us! So there you go Ana that’s my “bulls@it” in a nutshell as I have no other avenue to sit around thinking up nonsense to have something to talk about and try to sound intellectual mmmmm I hope it worked wowww! I’m just about done as this conversation just left a bad taste in my mouth. May Allah have mercy on us imperfect souls who are TRYING to the best to their ability. I think it’s important to be a human being before we consider ourselves good Muslims. How about we self critique each of ourselves for a change what are our flaws or shortcomings as a human being before we “label” others? I can start with myself can everyone else honestly bear theirs as well? That way we will see where we stand and how many fingers we should point at ourselves before we are able to point it at others. So how about it? Or do we all not lie, hurt, harm, disrespect, attack, take interest, borrow without repaying debt, break the law, disregard the hijab, free mix with men in the workplace and the list goes on or ARE WE ALL PERFECT AND FLAWLESS? It’s a humbling and self learning experience I’m game if you all are! When my brother says he’s doing the best in his given situation as he possibly can I trust wholeheartedly and accept it, I reckon it works the same way for sisterhood as well yeah? Hmmmmmm

  • Spirited

    December 18, 2014

    Oh I forgot to talk about the rest before hitting submit, lol.

    I’d love to see what people there would say if we ever said the current marriage traditions in Pakistan make it seem like a person is buying a spouse, lol. I wonder, wouldn’t it be more like the girl’s family is being bribed, instead of them buying a husband? Since there’s a threat behind the reason for the extensive gifts? That’s the way it comes off to me at any rate. It is sadly a part of how some arranged marriages work these days. The way arranged marriages USED to work is you have the guy and his family going to a prospective match’s home, and the girl’s family treats them, everyone talks, then the girl is brought out and she may (or may not, depends on the families or how many visits it has been) speak to and question the guy and his family before leaving the room. Another day, the girl’s side would visit the guy’s home and be treated by them and the families would talk more. This would happen however many times the families needed until everyone came to a decision. Marriages would be based mostly on how much the two families got along, and also if the guy and girl found each other to be pleasant. The system really was a reflection of how important family values and the family itself was because it wasn’t just 2 people getting married to go live on their own, it was two families being joined together. It made sense, but that was a time of moral values and Godliness.

    But like many other things, arranged marriages devolved. It’s now almost like going shopping for, and buying a spouse. They check out the wealth the family has above most other things. Or you have these in-family arranged marriages for reasons like keeping land from being divided. Or you have boyfriend/girlfriend stuff going on without the family’s involvement (or knowledge) and secret marriages, etc.

    @Shabanah, that’s awesome, glad to hear your husband didn’t do that nonsense!

    @Ana, lol you’re so sweet. However, if something is wrong, it’s wrong and should be pointed out if possible. The person might not be aware and could correct their actions. Sure, it’s fine to be PC (politically correct), but sometimes ya just gotta be blunt, in my opinion.

    Okie dokie, talk to you guys later.

  • Spirited

    December 18, 2014

    Salam people,

    @Marie, lol glad I could brighten up your day .

    I’ve been in essay/paper writing mode lately, and (I think) that has made me be a bit more verbose instead of simple and to the point. You know how papers are, you gotta stretch everything out, it can’t just be “Tim crossed the road.” There has to be a description of Tim, what the road conditions were, why he crossed the road, and what his psychological condition was when he started crossing, compared to when he ended. Then you also have to add in quotes from road crossing experts. lol anyways, like Ana says, it’s all good, you guys got what I was trying to say clearly

  • Gail

    December 18, 2014

    Ana,
    Don’t worry about it of course it is natural u would find it very strange.I also found it very strange at first.I will tell u Pakistani people find our lives strange as well.Like us picking our own spouses.They say oh yeah that is great but they are also very fast to point the finger and say u people have a high divorced rate.In Pakistan it is totally different and divorce is very low because the family put the marriages together.They find alot of things in our culture very strange.Like living separate than parents not visiting parents often etc..In Pakistan the husbands word is final here in USA it don’t work like that and usually it is opposite the wife’s word is final.Just so many different ideas.Yeah so don’t feel bad u have learned alot about Pakistani culture.
    I will say this though and I am only speaking for myself here.My Pakistani husband is amazing in the fact that he rarely and I mean rarely tells me no I can’t have something or do something.He has always been that way with me.He kinda babies me in a way.What I mean by that is I can say I want to buy a diamond ring he will say ok get in the car lets go get it or if I say I want ice cream after he has worked all day or I want to go out to eat after he has worked a 2 hour shift he drags his butt with me and never complains although many of times I could tell he is about to pass out from exhaustion.
    I have been very lucky in that respect that my husband caters to basically my every need.Not to mention if I need sex then even if he is half dead he will give me happily.I never mentions the good side of my husband and his best qualities. I thought I should mention so u ladies understand my reasoning for staying with my husband.I feel my husband has come such long way these last couple of years I hope he keeps going forward.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    @All Pakistani People,

    I apologize for being openly opinionated about your cultural practices. Please forgive me, if I offended anyone. As a moderator I should probably exercise more tolerance and self-restraint. My humble apologies to you all

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Gail is right. Its their tradition. The bride gives enough furniture and appliances to furnish an entire home. In some traditions the groom provides an entire wardrobe for the bride for all seasons, jewelry, money, make up quite ridiculous. My husbands wives didn’t have to give anything. He provided everything for our separate portions.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2014

    Ana,
    Yup it is pretty much buying a husband.It’s crazy to say the least.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2014

    Coco,
    It might help some if u explain what is holding u both back from getting married sooner rather than later.We might can help u figure out how to get the ball rolling a little faster for u.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Gail,

    It’s some far fetch #&%(@. I don’t even know the words for it. It’s @$$ backwards. I’ve never heard of such a thing. It’s as though a woman has to buy a husband. I had never heard of such a thing until Spirited mentioned it. I was in a state of total shock. Then when I began to think about it again, I thought I must have read her post wrong. Sigh. She confirmed I read it correctly. I don’t know what else to say. I’m dumbfounded.

    Spirited said we must have something somewhat similar in custom. In the U.S., I’ve only known wealthy families to pay for the wedding. Now a day, it more common for the bride to pay for the wedding or the bride and groom pay for it together. It’s all about working together. A wealthy family may give the bride and groom a house. The family may help pay for the furnishing of a house. Still, it’s all for the bride and groom, not just for groom. Who the heck is he? He should be wealthy enough to take care of his family, if not the wife and husband work together to accumulate what they need. The husband and wife may have a house warming where friends and family bring gifts for the home. I could see the bride family or bride paying for the wedding, as it’s usually she who wants the big hoopla; the man doesn’t. He concerns himself with providing the necessities for the wife and children. Of course, in this day and age, married couples work together to get what they want and need. It’s about teamwork.

    It’s why women who marry married men should be more considerate of first wives who help the husband get where he is, and help make it possible for him to afford and care for another family – of course with the permission of Allah. Allah willed it.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2014

    Ana,
    Oh girl u would not believe what a typical Pakistani woman’s family give as marriage gifts to her future husband.Washer,Complete bedroom suits,Car,Motorcycle,Table and chairs,microwave,TV,gold,money,etc…..U name it the list are usually a mile long.I was shocked when I saw what my inlaws bought for my sister inlaw.Well it was shocking to say the least.My inlaws bought everything on the list I mentioned for my sister inlaws husbands.I see it as a one huge get rich scheme.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Shabanah,

    Nope, I can’t give away my secret (emoticons). coco’s been trying to get me to tell my secret. mum is the word.

    Wow, it would be the coolest thing, if you were to attend coco’s wedding. I’d imagine she’d be a most beaming and beautiful bride. She has a lovely personality, and is very likable. She may be deserving of more than the likes of the person whom she currently loves. Allah knows best!

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Coco Love, I agree you two should wed as soon as possible. Hey, perhaps I’ll attend your marriage

  • Shabanah

    December 17, 2014

    Anabellah, where do you find these hilarious emoticons?

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    The whole world and all in it is functional

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    What the heck is “dysfunctional” about anyhow? What’s functional – husband and a wife with kids and a dog living in a house and a white picket fence, two cars, and living happily-ever-after? It’s not real… The world as it is today is real for everyone.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Marie,

    Point well made to coco. He’s so busy trying to keep tabs on coco, trying to make sure she’s still there for him, that he probably can’t focus on his wife. Coco is a distraction. Men can’t focus in a state of ignorance (not knowing where coco is and what she is doing). Right now coco is a means to keep him off balance. It’s not healthy for his wife, him, or coco. It’s a form of manipulation, as well. Subconsciously or consciously coco knows that he will continue to chase her. You know what I think. What you chase runs from you. It’s what a chase is about, trying to catch someone. It’s a good feeling for a woman when a man does so, but it’s has a tinge of evil in it. He’s married and he shouldn’t be lusting after coco who is not his wife. If they’re going to do it (marry) they need to do it point blank, exclamation point, hashtag and end of story. It has nothing to do with how “dysfunctional” coco thinks her family is and how much she wants to fix what may not be fixable before she marries. I don’t go along with all these labels on thing and all these philosophies. People sitting around thinking up nonsense to have something to talk about and try to sound intellectual. It’s a bunch of bourgeois bullsh!t

  • ummof4

    December 17, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marie, did you say you were pregnant or did I imagine it? If so, how are you feeling?

    Spirited, I agree with you that any woman who carries on with a married man in an emotional or romantic way is incorrect, along with the man.

    Coco, everyone doesn’t dislike their co-wife, I like mine a lot. We talk on Skype at least once a week and sometimes I know things about her and her family before my husband knows.

    Once my husband was intended to marry one of my good friends. I talked to my husband about the marriage and I talked to my friend about the marriage. The three of us had a serious talk and discussed the pros and cons. They never got married, and we are still good friends. I even asked them a few years later if they would consider getting married, and they both said no. If my husband and my friend had just talked to each other and become emotionally attached, it would have been incorrect; instead they both talked to me and we all talked together as mature adults.

    Coco, I think that everyone here just wants the best for you. The fact that your fiancé is not telling his wife and most of his family about you makes us think that if you do marry you may be a secret wife. And you deserve better. I will continue to make du’ah that Allah gives you what you deserve, a husband who would stand on top of Mt. Everest and shout, ” I have two wives,__________and Coco, and I love them both!” (He would also shout it at one of his cricket matches).

    Allahu Akbar! He is in complete control of us all.

  • Marie

    December 17, 2014

    Sorry me again, coco you said yourself, if you ignore him, he constantly phones and txs till you reply. Do you really think he would spend 3 or 4 days worrying or whichever about you, trying to track you down if you were married. No hun he wouldn’t, he would know where you are, and that he will be with you shortly (on your night). Thus leaving him to focus on his other marriage.

  • Marie

    December 17, 2014

    Coco. My situation was a lot like yours in the sense that my husband knew my now co wife before me. So when my husband married me I expected her to leave us alone to get on with our marriage. She didn’t, they both keep this stupid thing going on for the duration of my marriage. It was a very drawn out process, for apparently no reason. They was bound to marry, they just took their sweet time. I thank Allah much for the patience during that time.

    So no, coco, my husband didn’t bring a brand new woman in our life, she was there from the get go. I don’t have an issue (now) with polygamy or sharing. I do have a problem with ANY woman who carrys on with a married man, without being married to him.

    It affects her marriage MORE with this situation because your intended wants to be with you and apparently married to you, because he is not able to do this YOU will take up more of his thoughts than you would if he was able to spend half his time with you. He can then go back to his other wife and be a focused, present husband, after he’s got his coco ‘fix’ (lol).

    I know you say you can understand from a Wife who married first point of view. But I really don’t think you can, not in a mean way but you was never his wife. I feel its completely different when a woman is married to man, she has a right to him and she knows it. If your not married you don’t have a right to him and you know it. Its a different pain altogether when a woman who has no right is involved with your husband. It’s disrespectful. Sorry if thats harsh coco.

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Coco,

    Your family isn’t dysfunctional. There is no such thing. Your family functions the way Allah designed it. There is no such thing as a normal life. There is just life. Allah says He created everything in perfect proportion. It’s all good!

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Ana
    I may seem like I’m procrastinating to marry but there are personal obstacles in my family that I need to take on before I think for myself not only business obligations. There is always more than meets the eye. I come from a very dysfunctional family and sometimes things are not as easy as 1, 2, 3 as it is for a person from a normal set up. I’m trying to do the best I can under my given circumstances. This blog is about polygamy not dysfunctional families so me laying out those details are of no use but please do keep us in your duas. I’m not here to hear what I want to hear but I expect a person to actually be of help genuinely and not make it personal like Lah would also do. Anyways much love and peace to all the sisters here. xo

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Marie
    See I’m not walking with a I’m righteous attitude yes I agree no woman would appreciate my input but I know he wouldn’t take that advice from elsewhere I saw the opportunity and thought it’s more helpful to speak up then to stay quiet. Allah knows my niyat and may he have mercy on me if I’ve sinned. I honestly don’t see myself having that slither of contact as affecting their marriage Allah hu Alim I don’t know how much more I can cut whatever qualms I have I speak to anyone but him. We don’t discuss them or the depth of their marriage as its between them however the one time he did recently I put a stop to it do you think he will come to me again regarding her after what I’ve said I was pretty clear as to what duties he has as a husband. Of course she won’t like me Marie NO woman wants to share her husband no woman should have to I will always feel bad about that. If she has resentment and hate for me it would be justified and totally understandable as I’ve stated before a first wife is gracious if she is receptive to the second wife coming in and if is not the second needs to remain patient with humility till she does. How much more can I leave him alone. I don’t contact him call him if we do speak which is very seldom and mostly regarding his future career/projects NOT about “US” or myself. Yes he does text me everyday to show he’s still there but there’s no “conversation” as such and I’ve tried ignoring him for days at a time he starts calling and texting like a psycho till I do so as a result he’s focusing on me more than he should given that I give a simple smile or yes I’m here and then get on with the day. I never gave him a free pass for what he did to me I hold him accountable for all his actions but it was written in my fate I can remain stagnant or deal with what’s in front of me. The only thing left to do is block his number or turn my phone off not sure exactly how that would be progressive for his marriage though. I totally get where you ladies are coming from but it makes it a bit different being that I reckon most of your husbands married you before and in the duration of your marriage they seeked out another wife causing their first wives immense pain and a feeling of deceit and that woman getting involved with the married man was wrong to you all as wives as they could have been courted by an unmarried man. I don’t feel it’s fair to compare me to that lot of woman as he wasn’t married at the time that we were together his marriage occurred a little over 2 years of being with me. So there was no catching my eye on a married man luring him to get my intention and marry me disregarding the wife and children. That’s why I say all situations, intentions, people involved are different in all our stories. I think it’s better to work on oneself as a muslimah and human being before one goes “in on someone” and points fingers especially when they are speaking from a place very close to home as emotions are involved. When advising another here you can’t make it about YOU or your voice gets lost or unheard in the translation of it. You did it perfectly you gave an example using yourself and stayed civil didn’t make it personal. The point is one should have adaab when getting their points across as you have. For example Mira saying that she pities her co-wife (which was absolutely wrong) that rubbed everyone the wrong way especially the first wives since it was close to home for most yet me not knowing that pain and how if feels to come from there I was able to get my words across without emotions involved. There’s no point in advising one if their own unresolved issues are speaking as the point is to help here not combat another to alleviate their pain they feel as it serves no one. I would only speak up if I think I can help someone not bash them or their situation. Its all good Marie I’m glad you put it out there much love sister ☺️ xo

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I understand better since you used cocos situation as a comparison to your own. It’s important for the couple to make up their minds about whether they will marry or not and get it done expeditiously when the man is already married. His communication with the other woman impacts his existing marriage. Coco seem lacsidaisical about it – like she’ll get to it whenever. It’s not how it’s done in Islam. One shouldn’t be emotionally, romantically involved with someone else spouse.

  • Marie

    December 17, 2014

    Sorry that was meant to say spirited not sorted.

    Ana I think I clicked request deletion. I didn’t mean to, please don’t delete my post.

  • Marie

    December 17, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    @shabanah, you said “spirited you went in on coco” it had me LOL, I use that phrase in real life but always thought no-one will know what I mean. I really like having you here, Anas right your a little ray of sunshine (hugz) I’m glad you got some too lol.

    @spirited, I don’t know weather you mean too but, you posts are hilarious, the way you write just makes me laugh so much.

    @coco you know I love you, and I think your intentions were good when advising your intended, you could have said “oh well guess you should have married me” BUT, I don’t think any woman would appreciate your input. Speaking from experience. I couldn’t care less whether a woman is being lovey dovey or not, If you have emotions involved, like you and your intended do, I would want that woman to either marry my husband or cease contact COMPLETELY. You may not see it, but you having whatever small amount of contact you do with her husband is impacting on her marriage negatively. I don’t know if she knows about you or not, but I can bet your bottom dollar that she don’t like you, or will not like you when/if she finds out you’ve been hollering at her husband or he with you. That kind of resentment can last a looooong time. I think a man and woman involved with each other before marriage, when someone else is involved (wives) is a terrible way to start polygamy. If you really love her and respect her I would leave her husband alone till your married. I don’t know how far into 2015 your planning to get married but untill then, and I mean like a week before leave him alone.

    For the record I think sorted “went in on you” because she herself has felt the pain of having another woman in her husbands life without them being married. I certainly have a dislike for women who carry on with married men. It’s too close to home, if you know what I mean. I can’t see your husbands wife ever forgetting/ forgiving you or her husband. I saw an album title once called “god forgives I dont” it’s how I feel about my now co wife.

    Sorry, but I had to put it out there.

  • Spirited

    December 17, 2014

    Salaam all,

    Hey Ana, yeah it’s definitely contrary to Islam, but people don’t care. Some people just want what they want and if you try to show them what they’re doing wrong, they don’t (or can’t) see it. The marriage gifts thing from the girl’s side is one. My grandmother once said it probably started out as a way to gain respect in the husband’s family, you know, like the new wife is here to make life easier and look at the wonderful things she brings; she’s a source of uplifting the family materially. But by now, it’s almost a requirement for some greedy folk which is pretty sad. I’m not sure, but it must be very rare to have a wedding where the wife isn’t expected to provide things for the house in the majority of the country.

    I’ve definitely come to see how many people there don’t know their religion at all, it’s really obvious with the attitudes and having boyfriends/girlfriends, etc. They probably don’t bother to read the Quran past the first few readings as a child . Then there are the ones who go around to different imams or scholars until they find one that gives them what they want and they roll with that one as their justification for whatever. An older acquaintance of mine who lives there says Pakistan and the Muslim nations in general are suffering so much because the populace doesn’t heed Allah anymore — they may say the words, but Allah isn’t in their heart. I can definitely see it. This blog has for sure made me realize A LOT of things, one of the big ones being that I definitely do expect waaaay too much out of Muslims .

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    coco, I meant to say you “held” up well, not help. I get so annoy when I think I proofed what I said and still miss errors 🙁

  • anabellah

    December 17, 2014

    coco, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Thank you much for elaborating on what went down. I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you to deal with him being forced to marry someone else knowing the love you and he have for each other. It had to be devastating. You help up well; Alhumdulliah! It’s all good. Insha Allah, you and he will marry soon. It would be nice.

    It’s just crazy to me when it comes to “forced marriages”. It’s sad when people feel they don’t have a say in who they marry. Marriage isn’t meant to be that way. I really like the video we have on the site about “forced marriages”. It’s amazing that it’s such a common practice in Pakistan. Anyhow, he and his wife knew it was something planned for them and they had to concede to it, so what more can be said. They need to just make the best of it. Some people have other god than Allah and those gods ruled their lives, which is more sad than a forced marriage.

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I have to reread your post. Did you say that in the Pakistani culture the wife has to give gifts to the husband and his family. I thought I read it. It would be contrary to Islam, as it’s the husband who must give dowry to the wife. Maybe I remember your post wrong. Speaking of posts, I know I’ve missed some. Insha Allah, today I’ll go back and find Ummlana’s post/story.

    @Everyone,

    Have a wonderful day or night, whichever it is on your side of the planet. Life is beautiful. 🙂

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Wow I didn’t know explaining to Mira how she can stop her husband from badmouthing her co-wife and use that opportunity as an advantage to stick up for her instead lead me to this conversation?!! Unbelievable!!

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Spirited
    Do you have a direct link with Allah are you the all knowing Spirited to “label” me? You could say a platonic relationship but no say romantic relationship so you can demoralize. It’s just a mere opinion you attain. Can you please if are able to enlighten me by providing a Quranic reference to link me being a “emotional mistress” this sounds just as ridiculous as someone who said I’m committing “emotional zina” if you aren’t able to then SHHHHHHHHHHHH. You sure are going there you do sound extremely judgmental like your trying to be the Islamic, morality and polygamous police in your posts. You’ve got a very condescending and unconscionable tone in the way you phrase your words I guess it’s a Punjabi thing (lemme clarify I’m 1/4 Punjabi before you have another one of your episodes) How would you like if someone were to say to you let’s not confuse a bit@h with being opinionated. Let’s call a bit@h a bit@h! You have a WHOLE lot to learn about adaab. Yes he’s not even my husband yet I have respect for others and for him whether he’s my husband or not can’t say the same for you. I wouldn’t exactly agree with referring to a spouse the way you do but hey you didn’t see me take out my critical claws as that’s your prerogative lemme hold on to mine. Are you not educated enough to give others that same liberty? It’s my choice to speak or defend him what you just wanted me to keep quiet and hear your unnecessary rant without speaking up mommy? It’s not giving excuses for him when someone goes on about something they get don’t know s*** about you broaden their horizon or would you prefer to stay uninformed. I don’t know why your acting like a *typical duggie* I was very clear from the start that if he had to marry her she must have been forced as well and NO she didn’t have a choice daughters don’t get a choice there, their parents move them from one cage to another. If I’m adamant about him it’s because I know of him but I can’t quote her as I haven’t spoken to her. I wasn’t nitpicky I clearly sensed that you were plucking through my words so thought okay I need to change my tone as well. Since he and myself are just making excuses to you and he isn’t wanting to fix things to your standards there’s no point of further discussing as it’s something that you and your perfect self are unable to understand. Things don’t work here the way they work in America it isn’t as simple as pick your things up and go one needs something called money but why have I even been explaining you who are you? Not someone who I’ve found helpful or wait maybe you were but I totally missed it maybe you need to correct your tone and others will listen to you. And why would I want you to praise the guy I love are you kidding me?!! Does Ana, Gail or any of the others here praise him? I said your bitter because your words are enveloped in bitterness I wasn’t being critical at all it’s something I see very clearly and maybe you would too if you retread your posts. Maybe you’ve just been subjected to Pakistani men so you say what you say why would I have a problem with that? My father was also one of those men men abusing the rights Allah gave and gosh I just threw in Greek for example sake here let me rephrase it for your peace of mind. “Any “Pakistani man” is a b@stard at the moment since you married one who caused you immense grief I reckon had you married a Egyptian man your feelings would be the same towards Egyption men. There happy! One is usually bound to hate everything associated to someone that brings them so much pain it’s all good so whatevssss! Thank you for choosing to not give your 2 cents in the future as I don’t think they help grow or my situation in any way. JazahkAllah

  • coco

    December 17, 2014

    Ana
    You got me all wrong I meant this initially when he got married I didn’t know how he or I would react to a baby coming into the picture. I said it as a joke “screw this I’m out lol” people change decisions change I did consider that if he starts loving her the love he has for me might change as I wasn’t aware a man can love two woman at the same time. This is all before I came to this blog I wasn’t perfect I wasn’t lucid from the start it took me a few months. But I was momin enough not to take advantage of the fact that he loved me to keep him from loving her. Ana WHY would I tell him not to have a baby with her what RIGHT do I have as a Muslim or as a future wife? I have to die and answer to Allah come on! I didn’t just jump at the opportunity of polygamy to have him heck I was still delving with the possibility of whether or not I should do something in which I share a husband with someone who obviously wouldn’t want that. I didn’t even consider something like this as I had no knowledge of polygamy I was still coping my thoughts were all over the place I thought maybe he would change his direction towards polygamy if love grows for her and he might not think he NEEDS to marry me anymore. I wanted it to be a decision both us don’t regret and are certain of that it’s not something decided based on emotions. Maybe if he were to come to love her then he wouldn’t want a polygamous marriage anymore. I did consider that his love could change for me with or without a baby. After being hit so hard who’s lucid? I came to the blog several months after it happened so I had already coped in a way. When I first came into the blog there was no hate for anyone as I had been through that stage there was no blame game. And I think once they were married and he was unhappy it’s something henisntombe blamed for no one else. He wasn’t mentally all there if he’s saying lets go I’m coming to Karachi this weekend we will have a nikkah leave and we won’t come back ever. That was his anger his rage talking he loves his family he was bound to go back to them so told him to cool down think clearly and he has to face the consequence of his decision I don’t think it’s wrong ethically or religiously if I told him that you married her now be her husband don’t throw her in a corner I did think if I was in her place I wouldn’t want the tone to be hostile coming into a marriage but loving everyone deserves that. If my niyat was tainted I would have married him right away but I was thinking for her as a sister. I just thought he was immature as he just married a girl who might or might not be happy to marry him and would as any wife expect much from him as a husband as I would have in her place. I don’t tell him anything of how he deals with her as a wife she by law has rights over him I know I’m not his wife and she is above me as she’s in his nikkah. I have love for her and if she were to bear children inshAllah I would have love for them too I would consider them my children too I actually admire Gail for how she loves all her kids the same. What right do I have to tell him if he should have kids or not with her wow! I told you we don’t talk regarding their relationship only when he first got married and was directing his anger towards her I said it should be towards your parents she is just as innocent as her parents must have tied her to you like some goat too. And after the first few weeks of his marriage I wasn’t in much contact I wasn’t available wasn’t picking his calls as he needed to focus on her and work with her After that period and now seven months later he’s discussing her do you think it makes me happy or gloat? I don’t think you remember me telling you lot in the older blog when he said that we will live abroad and I’ll come back to Pakistan off season to stay with her. I suggested him that you should aim to get out on a sports visa and call her there as a wife I said a nikkah is enough with me it’s better to have her as a wife on papers so she gets benefits as a spouse since she doesn’t work and is a housewife. I thought it’d better for all his kids to grow with him around them. But I can’t help you perceiving me as selfish and demanding Allah hu Alam sister.

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2014

    coco,

    I totally believe that for polygamy to work nicely all parties need to be on the same page. When all the parties are Muslim/BELIEVERS they know it’s all about serving Allah together as a family, and seeking to enter Jannah/Paradise.

    When all the parties are just trying to satisfy their desires there is no peace and harmony. When Allah is NOT most important to Muslims, they have another agenda that takes precedence – it about their needs and their wants. In most of the polygamous marriages the parties are only concerned about what they want individually from the marriage. Everyone has an agenda and it usually is not about Allah.

    I think the wives should want for the other wife what they want for themselves. She accepts the other wife as the husband’s wife, as well, and is happy when the other wife is happy. No wife should count on the husband being miserable in being with the other wife.

    It’s interesting that you said if she has a child, you may change your mind about marrying him, as a child changes everything. You said he and she may change. I thought it was a given that a wife – in your case, an intended, would expect the other wife to have a child. They are husband and wife. Most women want children by their husbands. Of course everything changes when the variables change, but why should she and he having a child change things for you? Do you think he may not want to marry you once he has a child by her? A man can love more than one woman at a time. He can have children by all his wives and it’s okay. Is it that you wouldn’t want him if he has a child with her and begins to love her?

    You have no qualms in thinking about having a child by him, if you marry. You said grandparents melt at the sight of a child. It’s a beautiful thing for you to have a child by your husband, but it may rub you the wrong way for her to have a child by her husband? You don’t know if it would be worth you marrying him, if he begins to love her and have a child by her – WHY? – It’s polygamy.

    In polygamous marriages it’s okay for a husband to love all his wives and have children by all of them. It sounds that you’re okay as long as he doesn’t love her and doesn’t have a child with her. It’s okay, if it’s all about you. Then wives or intendeds get this self-righteous attitude – for instance, Oh, I told him to go and try to make it right with his wife. I told him to do this and to do that with his wife. I shake my head because where do women get off telling the man what to do with his other wife? It’s incredible…

    He was unhappy when he married her??? Shame on him that he married her against his will and is unhappy, as I’m sure it doesn’t make his wife happy. Does he know that you may have a problem with her having a baby? Can’t you see how what is happening with you may effect how he relates to his wife, and you are not even a wife? There are wives who tell their husbands not to have a child with his other wife. It’s selfish and very wrong. Even if you weren’t direct and told him that you may have a problem with him having a child by her, do you think you didn’t indirectly let him know? There are men who actually acquiesce to the wife’s request that he doesn’t have a child by his other wife.

    It’s amazing that some women marry married men with all kinds of conditions and demands. The conditions and commands are selfish many of the times. It’s that roll out the red carpet attitude; I’m here. It’s bullcrap! The newcomer isn’t receptive to polygamy. She only wants the man and accepts polygamy as it’s the only way she can get him.

  • Spirited

    December 16, 2014

    Salam everyone!

    @ Coco, I’m going to my own grave, and you to yours. If, in your world, being in a romantic relationship with a married man isn’t being a mistress, then by all means, carry on. IMO, if it isn’t storge or familial love, it belongs in the marriage setting. It’s not my problem if you don’t believe that being an emotional mistress/emotional cheating is an actual thing, because it most certainly is. Just because you choose not to believe it doesn’t make it disappear. I’m not the Islamic police (to borrow Ana’s term, lol), so I won’t go there with our religion on it.

    Also, I don’t see why you keep trying to defend him, he isn’t even your husband, lol. I, and the others here, are only concerned for you (and his in-the-dark wife) not him. Instead you gave excuses for him — I didn’t ask for any, I only wanted to try to give some ideas he might try that could help his wife, who had to marry him. Oh well. . Oh hang on, maybe I should write “he had to marry her”, in case you want to jump down my throat again in his defense. Although it’s the same for the girl too, she didn’t have a choice either (at least I wouldn’t think so! Unless that’s also different in Pathan tribes). I apologize if I got it wrong that he said or didn’t say that his wife wasn’t intellectually stimulating, but congrats on being nitpicky instead of taking the gist of my message. What he actually said was she talks like she has sense but he thinks she doesn’t know what she’s saying and he can’t comprehend her. Happy? I don’t see how that’s any better than me writing he said she isn’t intellectually stimulating, but whatever . Listen, whatever excuses he gives you, or you tell us, are just that — excuses. He can make an effort to change their lives for the better, he can freakin’ MOVE the two of them to another city if the tribe is a problem, anything! Oh I know, you say he can’t because “reasons”, but that’s just another way he is a coward.

    Aaaanywho, since it doesn’t seem like this guy is going to do anything meaningful for his wife because his hands are tied (or other various reasons even though as the husband, he has every ability to do whatever he needs to for the family unit), I won’t bother giving any ideas or suggestions in the future regarding him, his wife, or yourself.

    FYI, I’m not “seething with deep rooted bitterness” — where did you even get that idea? Because I don’t praise the guy you love? Or because I think it’s a great idea advising people to double-think marrying Pakistani men? I suggest people at least try to ascertain that they aren’t being tricked or lied to. Admittedly after personal experiences, friends’ experiences, other family’s experiences, experiences of people here — if there is a Muslim non-Pakistani suitor and a Muslim Pakistani suitor, I would suggest giving the non-Pakistani one a better look, simple as that. And please don’t try to pretend there isn’t a problem with that country’s men abusing the rights Allah gave. So many issues could be avoided if they followed the rules/guidelines clearly laid out by Allah, or at the very least, showed a bit of moral behavior by not scheming and lying left & right. By the way, your Greek man analogy doesn’t work very well because when one hears “Pakistani” one assumes “Muslim” and therefore, one holds the person to a higher standard (Islam) — or at least I do. When one hears “Greek” one wouldn’t necessarily think “Muslim” (not saying there aren’t Greek Muslims, a person just wouldn’t assume that offhand). Point being, I wouldn’t hold a Greek man to the same standards as a Pakistani man (unless he was Muslim of course), so NO, I wouldn’t be as harsh about non-Muslims of a nation if they were known to do wrong compared to Muslims of a nation if they are known to do wrong. I’m probably wrong to hold most Muslims to high standards these days anyway, that’s plain to see even in the Muslim nations. Also note, I never said EVERY Pakistani man is a jerk, but there’s definitely reason to be concerned, in my opinion.

    Whelp, I said my peace and tried to be clear. Adieu for now, time for prayer. Hope everyone is good out there in cyber space

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Ana
    Walaikuasalaam sister. I may be very kind heart, nice, warm and a friendly person but I can take it like a man lol I’ve come from a very colourful childhood I’ve got thick skin and that’s why it seems odd how I can be so calm and patient regarding this matter. I’m calm under pressure due to unraveling obstacles growing up I’ve endured a whole lot growing up this sort of distress isn’t new to me. So it’s all good. In his situation it wasn’t the typical momma pushing her boy it was his father. See we didn’t have a very interactive relationship as we live in different cities and I’m in and out of Pakistan and he’s always been respectful to not snogging up on me so I can hold my chin up. He has told his wife he will marry again and assured her that she will be given her rights/haq as a wife. “US” yes It’s been three years yes he got married almost a year ago. Had he married me first he would have still had to marry for his parents respect so with him as a husband polygamy was inevitable. He hasn’t let me know now he isn’t happy he was unhappy from the start of the marriage I stopped communicating and was stern that you did it now be responsible don’t leave her in a corner and move away for 40 years like your elder brother has. What life does his sister in law have? He had already married I wasn’t in a rush to “oh let me elope and marry so I can make sure he never has a connection with his wife” I thought and I may have not been wise but I wanted him to marinate himself in this marriage before he marries me maybe he might have changed his mind. I would rush things if I was insecure of losing him. I said we are marrying next year as 2015 is right around the corner didn’t mean 12 months later lol I don’t like announcing dates as we planned on a time to marry and set everything and boom he got married, that’s why I with the blog and everyone in my life I just will tell when the time is here because we can all plan something but Allah has other plans at times. If we aren’t firm on a date it’s because of me I am leaving next month for the states I have to meet up with investors for my fashion line with my business partner I’ve had very busy months and they are just going to get busier when back in the states 3-4 months I’m insanely tied up. Another thing initially I didn’t know how he or I would react to them having a baby I was divided as whether to marry him or not because a man changes after a baby maybe I thought within one year of marriage he might come to love her and then I might just think screw this I’m out lol I am meticulous and patient by nature I don’t like taking decisions with the snap of my finger. About his parents they will come to accept me for HIM after we marry but won’t be happy initially even if I was raised in Pakistan because they don’t prefer marrying non Pashtun. Also he won’t care whether his parents accept me or not he said I will never leave you alone to deal with them and it’s a husband’s job to protect his wife and give her respect in the family the airhead knows what he’s doing. In Pakistani culture even parents who vow to never see their kids who married without their consent melt at the sight of a grandchild so it’s all good I don’t particularly need his parents present when we marry I just want them informed and if they chose to not be a part of it fine I can’t force them he can. Ana a non Muslim relationship involves adultery out of wedlock sex I think it’s a bit insulting to be compared to such a strong description. Damn I mean might as well meet him if I’m just going to be labeled a mistress in the end you know lol Just kidding Niyat is everything and Allah knows what’s in my heart. There’s one thing being in denial and one thing being in a state of zen of course in the islamic sense and leaving EVERYTHING upto Allah it’s quite liberating. Much love to you sister Ana and that you for having Adaab when getting your points across ☺️ xo

  • anabellah

    December 16, 2014

    coco, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I remember on the older version of the blog Gail had extensive conversations with you about you and your intended. It’s a bit difficult for me to talk with you about it, as you are a very kind heart, nice,warm and friendly person. The last thing I want to do is hurt you with my words. As you noted, we only want to help each other here. Those who were here not for the good of sister and brotherhood got the boot. You are educated, savvy, and worldly. It seems to me you are. Yet, you’re not seeing the duck. If it looks like a duck, walk like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

    coco, your relationship with your intended resembles the relationship that many who have come to this blog are in.

    Your intended is Pakistani
    His mother “made” him marry his cousin.
    He did what his mother instructed him to do despite being with you in a relationship for an extensive amount of time.
    He hasn’t let his wife and his family know about you.
    He says he will marry you, but after a 3 years relationship is not firm on a date.

    Three years is a long time for a Muslim to be in a relationship without marriage. It appears he’s stringing you along. Now, he’s letting you know he’s not happy in his marriage to the cousin. I don’t know how he thought he would be, if he loves you and married her whom he doesn’t love. Who know what actually is happening in his and her relationship. It’s smells fishy to outsiders looking in. There is no reason for him not to marry you. If his intent is sincere and you’re intended, why is he hiding you from her and his family? I think you know they will not accept you, as you, yourself said they won’t view you as a Pakistani native, but as a westernized person. I forget the name you said it’s called.

    We keep saying here that Allah permits polygamy for men. There is no need for Muslims to carry on and live their lives the way non-Muslims do – Marriage with mistress/side kick/ person on the side. If the relationship resembles a non-Muslim relationship, there is a problem.

    As it is now, you’re messing around with a Married man.You’re with someone else husband whether physically or not. You and he have an emotional attachment and have pledged your intent to marry each other, all behind his wife’s and his family’s backs. Why not get on with it (marriage) or cut it lose? What the hold up?

    The hold up could be that your relationship with this man will indefinitely remain as is. Perhaps he has no intent to marry you; although he is intended to you. He’s a momma’s boy and does what his momma says. He probably know that she will not accept you. He knows all Hell would break lose, if they were to come to know of you.

    What’s left for you to do? You accept being in a holding pattern or you say goodbye and tell him to look you up when he grows some balls and man up.

    I know you think that he is the exception, as you love him and you know he loves you. You’ve fallen for the okie doke. coco, I think it’s a duck and you have your eyes closed; therefore, you can’t see it.

  • Shabanah

    December 16, 2014

    Spirited,

    Ayi yi, Girl you went in on the lovely coco. Left me speechless

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Spirited
    When i am referring to “one” towards the end of my post it is referring to your husband being a pakistani not a b@stard

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Spirited
    Okay maybe you need to find another word because when someone uses the word “mistress” so loosely it’s directly saying a woman (other than the man’s wife) is having a SEXUAL relationship with a married man. FYI got that from a dictionary! Given that this word shouldn’t be used so lightly unless it’s actually the case and don’t go giving me the emotional mistress crap I’ve heard here before. Offhand you didn’t refer to me as a mistress directly in the previous comment but now you are lol paleeeeeeez. And what does same affection mean to you from a distance? Not like he’s kissing me through the phone or anything of the sort lmao it could be a simple love you and I will fix everything wrong I did to you or I’m still there hmmmm let’s not have our minds travel so much now! A person is human Spirited we are all not mistake proof I like to consider that if a person accepts their wrong doing and tries to make the best of the situation you give them the benefit of the doubt but that’s just me. He isn’t some husband who is bad mouthing his chosen wife from the past to fulfil his newly awaken desires to marry something new that has caught his eyes. Not every situation is the same not every man is the same, You’re not getting it he’s trying to get through to her the effort is there if you don’t think so too bad I do think so that’s enough and all that matters really since it’s I who am being affected not you. These men don’t go to family elders for help not even within their family or friends to talk out issues regarding their wives, it’s the same family who compelled him for this decision so do you really think he’d get help there sympathy there they don’t care they’d say what are you even doing talking to her let her cook and make babies like she’s supposed to! Are these the people who will council him? lol Do you even know how a village works in Pakistan I’m not talking Punjabi village now I’m talking about KPK and good luck to anyone looking for professional help in a village they don’t even have a maternity ward there never mind the luxury of counselling lol I honestly don’t mind him asking me I am to marry him one day inshAllah so why is it bothering you so much? I can handle my pain and emotions perfectly fine Alhumdulliah! About him broadening her horizon great! He’s trying to the best of his abilities his words were not demeaning her or belittling her is was a simple how can I? But he has to follow the code in his family as I’ve stated earlier woman are meant to cook and make babies. One can’t just cut out of the system she will follow the lead of the other woman in the family they don’t want to leave their comfort zone they are comfortable in their surrounding and actually look down upon independent woman like myself and you as shameful. They do believe they belong in the confinement of their home they aren’t as rebellious as woman from Punjab villages. The mentality and mindset is COMPLETELY different Spirited. He’s not too smart if he only wants my thought on him after 7 months damnit he’s actually beyond slow lmao Spirited did you even read properly? Where did you see me quote HIM saying that she is not intellectually stimulating? So you just wasted you man bashing rant you went on lmao I won’t say much more because I feel your seething with deep rooted bitterness, so any “Pakistani man” is a b@stard at the moment since you married one who caused you immense grief I reckon had you married a Greek man your feelings would be the same towards Greek men. Lastly I’m not some fairy godmother who blows out “everything is perfect” sparkles at everybody lol I’d rather pick the upsides of things than to pick the downsides as one should focus on what’s positive not negative the goal is to get up not stay on the floor. Peace!

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    Gail
    I agree with you a polite distance is better but I will say this that if they take a step towards me I’ll take a step towards them. I have all of your advice from the start especially the food poisoning bit totally instilled in me even if I were to try and establish a friendly relationship with her I ain’t eating or drinking nothing that is served lol A heads up I will be needing you when the time comes hehehe I am blessed to have you and the beautiful beings here. If Allah chose to test me with this very difficult challenge he’s also shown me the pathway to get through this test. Alhumdulilah! Gail about why woman choose to stay down is cuz it’s the only life they know it’s their comfort zone. It’s just the same as a person from the village most usually loathes the city life and a person from the city loathes the life in the village. One feels completely out of place, awkward and uncomfortable. Their home surrounding is their safe place. I don’t think it’s the strange part it’s the sad part that she wanted you out of the picture, if she was lucid she would have known you were a channel for her life to change for the better in every sense. That’s the atrocious trait of Pakistanis they by nature can’t trust anyone their mind always goes to the negative side of things that’s why they’re always miserable they fail to see the good in things. She just couldn’t understand that why would this woman be good to me. Had she been different with you and you three would have remained polygamous I’m going to bet she would have learned to read, write and think for herself by now it’s sad sometimes Allah sends us a helicopter when we are stuck in the ocean but we fail to catch the rope.

  • coco

    December 16, 2014

    ummof4
    JazahkAllah for your duas and words it really means a lot sister. I am not meeting him at all since the marriage took place and will inshAllah only meet now when we are to marry inshAllah whenever he’s in town and asks to meet I say we will meet on the day of our nikkah lol he doesn’t quit asking and don’t quit telling. Just in case anyone plucks his words he doesn’t insist on meeting alone but with my brother or a friend there too thought I’d clarify that beforehand lol Ina crossed my mind a few days back as well I wonder how she’s coping with the transition in her life may Allah give her patience and make it easier for her to endure. Much love ☺️ xo

  • Spirited

    December 15, 2014

    Hey Salaam guys,

    @Coco, hey you, no offense, but he’s carrying on with you with the same level of affection (which should only be reserved for a spouse) even if you’ve toned it down on your end yet you aren’t married to him, so, technically that makes you a mistress in any dictionary. Let’s not call an apple an orange here, lol. You’re trying your best to do the right thing though, and I did commend you for that (and I still do) . Offhand, I didn’t refer to you as a mistress directly in the previous comment — I was talking generally about Pakistani lying scumbags at the time, but I see how it could have been confused. That said, as an outsider, I can and do blame the man as well as the act/sin where appropriate, and I don’t see any reason not to. To me, his “oh woe is me, why can’t I love my wife” spiel sounds like whining. It doesn’t matter if it was 7 months, 7 days, 7 years or whatever. How about he talk directly to her about his concerns, help her broaden her horizons, or maybe get advice from professionals or an elder with a long happy marriage who would probably give some great life-learned advice? That would make a whole lot more sense than for him to be asking you. Him doing that seems to be a way for him to try to keep your thoughts on him more than they already are (oh my poor love, he’s trying so hard, etc. etc.). And, this behavior also emotionally hurts you, there’s no way that it couldn’t, but he’s he’s either blind or insensitive to that entirely.

    Also, I don’t see how you misunderstood my cricket example, lol. The point was, he got you into something he enjoys, he can darn tootin’ get his wife engaged in something he enjoys as well so they both can enjoy it together. Or he can try to get into something she likes. If she doesn’t have many likes/hobbies due to village rearing, here’s a miraculous idea–how about he step up and give her new experiences? Amazing right? As her husband, he can and should get her out in the world a bit, and let her do things, see things she never could as an unmarried Pakistani Muslim woman living in the hills/boonies. He can be the source of uplifting her in many ways — new experiences, help her open up and be who she is on the inside, etc., but he’s too busy focusing on someone else instead of working on his marriage with his wife.

    And what kind of complaint is it that she is not intellectually stimulating?! Like, honestly, that really pissed me off just reading it. HOW would she have gotten the know-how, higher education, or life experiences to be “intellectually stimulating” if she was restricted to life in a village in the middle of nowhere? And with the kind of strict tribal life she probably lead? Are you kidding me? What kind of an asinine comment was that? Is he a moron or something? Did he just land on planet earth? My goodness, what an a$$. It’s good you’re the one dealing with him, I don’t see how anyone else would do it with as much calmness and patience as you have. I’m sorry, but I only see him as a cowardly, lying, somewhat manipulative and relatively idiotic male. And those are my feelings about that. Again, no offense intended but as you know, it’s good to hear it like an outsider sees it instead of sugar-coating things. I really do worry for the torment you must feel at times, though you put on a smile and write in a happy-go-lucky way here a lot 🙂

    @Gail, good lookin’ out! My Pakistani idiot seems to be getting the hang of this lifestyle, I guess. He seems to have less stress, and he’s often thanked me for helping him be at ease. The situation overall hasn’t changed much. He knows what’s what and he still seems to think everything will magically work itself out. I think some of the issues might be resolved when he graduates, but might not. Only God knows for sure. Still, it is better in some small ways than before. I’m just staying positive yet realistic, working on my own self (when I’m not being lazy or sick), and warning people away from Pakistani men whenever possible lol Hmm, if I remember anything else, I’ll write in. Obviously if there’s any issues I would write in. It’s been quiet and moving along except for my parents who are still flip-flopping. One day they’re “divorce him and marry a different Pakistani punjabi!” (Has to be a punjabi of course lol) to which I have to say are you out of your mind? I’d rather be single if that’s my only choice down that road. Other days, they say “at least you’re married, he’s trying to step up and do better…” They don’t make much sense to me, and sometimes it seems they only want to cause me emotional distress. Parents, lol.

    Anywho, I’m gonna call it a night. See you guys later.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Coco,
    Yes my excowife is from a village.If u already know they are going to treat u as a foreigner and his cousin has warned u then yeah I think it is best for all involved to keep your distance.I went through so much crap that should not have happened and I would hate to see u go through it.U can always be nice from a distance.
    If u do decide u want a to try with her thats also fine but u should keep your eyes and ears open and if u see or hear anything I would back away swiftly.
    I don’t understand how come Pakistani Woman and esp.the village woman continue to stay down unless it has to do with a lack of education.I mean I see them do it but this cold heart attitude is beyond me.
    I also agree with my excowife she flat seen me as white and American and I had everything that she wanted.The strange part is I was willing to help her but she did not want my help she just wanted me out of the picture.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Alison,

    Hey there 🙂 I said hello to you earlier, but it was on the wrong thread. I’m getting confused now. I don’t know where I’m posting.

    Ummof4,

    I was wondering about Ina, as well. I’ve been thinking of her often. Quite a few of the blog family are missing in action. I don’t know where Fatima is or Maureen. Hilly left years ago. I imagine Fatima is extremely busy with all her stores and the holiday season is upon us. I thought about “Billy” too. Insha Allah, she and her co are still getting along very nicely.

    I think the blog bounced back nicely, after getting a fresh new start. I’m very please with it. Alhumdulliah!!!

  • ummof4

    December 15, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Coco, I am glad that you are keeping your morals straight. You are not talking love talk on the regular to your fiancé who is taking a long time to marry you. You are not meeting with him on a regular basis and you are encouraging him to make his relationship with his wife better.
    May Allah make it easy for you and grant you what is best for you in this life and the next.

    All must be going well with Ina since we haven’t heard from her in a while. We have a few more missing in action ladies. No news is good news, In shaa’Allah.

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Alison
    Hey! It’s nice to see you stop by hope all is going good with you. Keep us in your prayers and bless you! xo ☺️

  • alison

    December 15, 2014

    Hey ladies…been long thought of saying hey…end of year craze at work but been reading along
    All the new ladies welcome this is the right place to be in popolygamy…you will learn a lot and all these beautiful ladies would lift you up when down and it’s a nice place to bounce off our emotions
    much love

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Spirited
    I didn’t take it as whining I mean is it whining if after about 7 months he brings up something to me? lol And if you focus on his first sentence he’s saying “why don’t I have feelings for her?” What does that mean that it’s bothering him that why hasn’t he been able to develop feelings for her yet. To me he wanted help to change that. If he was wise he shouldn’t exactly say that to me as it could fuel jealousy but he knows he can be open about her as I told him in the beginning don’t just make her your sacrificed goat and throw her in a corner make her your wife be her husband that won’t affect what we have. Polygamous men lie to fill a wife’s insecurities yet I’m mashAllah content I believe in fate so I’m not trying to clench him in my fists he doesn’t feel compelled from my part to make me believe otherwise. Spirited he doesn’t need to complain to get my sympathies he already has it and with your use of the word mistress OUCHHHH! We haven’t met in these seven months and he’s been in and out of my city several times neither did we ever Skype. We hardly talk on the phone maybe twice a month for 3-5 minutes wow! lol we don’t share pictures the only way I’ve seen his pics if he uploads on social media or like whatsapp display while I have stopped uploading pics completely altogether since then and I don’t keep my own pic in my whatsapp display anymore our only means of communication are through texts and we aren’t at it all day at all 5 short texts usually unless he’s upset like that day then we text a little more than usual. From the start of the marriage he said I will give her respect and haq as a wife and he is. He’s obviously tried to get to know her if he finds her conversation weird no? As Gail smartly noted that when her husband comes into the room to talk to her co she would just look down and pick at the bed or her clothes so what does that tell you about my intended he has been having conversation with her trying to get to know her she sure has graduated from picking at the bed and her clothes lol His entire family is acquainted with cricket and her husband he plays matches half of the week I think she’d be aware to like it watch it to please him just because she was raised in a village it doesn’t make her dumb. He got me acquainted with cricket 3 years before his marriage not afterwards. Bringing in a mistress to the topic is so unnecessary and uncalled for as I had history with him for 3 years I just didn’t meet him a married man and began an illicit fling. Think about it. Not all polygamous men are bad babe their mistakes are bad but some learn from them and grow should we disregard polygamous men altogether? Hate the act not the man.

  • coco

    December 15, 2014

    Ana & Gail
    Thank you both for your kind words ❤️ yeah I think it’s the intellectual gap so to say. I was speaking to a Pathan friend last night and he told me that in Pathan culture the husband and wife’s relationship are similar to a boss and employee relationship, there’s always a gap especially if a girl is raised in the village she is just meant to serve her husband not level with him. Gail I’m not sure yet how I’m going to crack the armour. I will say this my intended is smart enough to know that it’s best to keep each marriage separate and not have us mix much. I’m good either way whether I need to deal with her frequently or not at all. My only point I was trying to explain to Mira was that regardless of our interaction or relationship as co’s I would always try to not use their differences to my advantage and it should work both ways as no marriage is perfect. Gail I’m SURE you went in with a very open pure frame of mind and tried everything you could to make it work with your co but your right a foreign “white” wife just drives people crazy there it’s being goraaaaaa lol white skin is an asset and major insecurity for others, your co probably felt like great she’s white I can’t ever compete with that lol I understand that my co will not reciprocate me but its all good I’m just saying that such a relationship can’t flourish if one thinks of the other as a competitor. Unfortunately me being of pakistani origin won’t mean much because to his family and her I will be a “firangi” raised in a western society I will be considered foreign to them. You made me crack up with the “when he came and talked to her she would just look down and pick at the bed or her clothes” you took me to old Bollywood lol it actually is like that for girls raised in the village they aren’t raised to have a voice or opinion I think your exco was from the village too if I’m not wrong. Ana I’m at peace with an interacting relationship or a cordial distanced one as long as we don’t harm each other because the culprit is the husband not one of us. Gail you are so spot on about both wives being pakistani makes a huge difference as the co won’t live in denial or the hope that the husband is going to eventually divorce the foreign white wife. His cousin told me very sternly stay as far as possible from your co you don’t know our woman your too straight woman here aren’t sigh! I don’t know how well we will communicate as she speaks Pashto and a bit of Urdu while I speak English and Urdu is a second language lol Ooo and yes Ana I’ve read hadiths that polygamous men are allowed to lie to their wives like let’s say when declaring to a wife who they love more… Maybe men consider it a free pass to lie about everything under the sky scaryyyyyyy lol Ana you have me cracking up with your “there is a method to the madness. People don’t like what is in Quran because it’s just, fair and beautiful.” Hahahaha so true about the imams and sheikhs!

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Gail,

    There is a method to the madness. People don’t like what is in Quran because it’s just, fair and beautiful. Allah is a Just God.

    Consequently, many have disregarded the Quran and replaced it with the hadiths – what men like for men.

    The Muslim world is in the state that it is because they’ve replaced the Quran with hadiths. They’ve done exactly what Allah says – they’ve thrown his words behind their back and follow what they like and call it Islam.

    It’s why people say you can’t have the Quran without the Hadith. However, no one reads the Quran. Very few people live the Quran.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Ana,
    Oh Dang I didn’t know that.No wonder men act like it is no big deal to lie what a mess.

  • anabellah

    December 15, 2014

    Gail,

    Lying seems to be many polygamous men’s M.O. (Modus Operandi – method of operation). They tend to be professional liars.

    Sadly, there are hadiths out there with information saying men could lie to their wives. When I first became Muslim, I read hadiths just like any other Muslim, until I began to realize and learn that a lot of what is in these hadiths (books compiled by men about hearsay passed down over time – not the word of Allah) contradicts what Allah says in the Holy Quran.

  • Gail

    December 15, 2014

    Ana and Spirited,
    I agree with u both a 100%.I think Pakistani men do lie and it is a huge issue.I also believe Polygamous marriages.Ana I seen Mira the same way and I hope she figures it out for her own sake and her childs.
    Spirited I also see what u r saying and u may very well be right that Coco may have a hard road ahead.
    Spirited how is everything going with u these days and your hubs?
    I really does seem to be a theme that Polygamous men are very immature and lie ALOT.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    The scheming and lying the husbands do is serious stuff. No wife should believe anything her polygamous husband tells her about the other wife. If he doesn’t have anything good and positive to say about the other wife, she shouldn’t believe a word he says about her and their lives at home.

    It’s why I got so pissed off about mira talking that “pity” crap about the first wife. Her husband continually lies through his teeth and hide mira and she believes what the man says about his first wife when he refuses to acknowledge mira as a wife. He’ll tell her anything she wants to hear so he could continue to get her to open the doors and let him in (pun intended). Some people believe what they want to believe.

  • Spirited

    December 14, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    So I don’t want to be a wet noodle here, but I saw another side to Coco’s dude whining about not having anything to talk about with his wife. None of us knows what the truth actually is, considering this is a Pakistani male (lies as far as the eye can see with these people), and it simply sounds like more complaining about a wife to a mistress to get her sympathy. We don’t know if he even tried discussing his interests or hobbies with his wife. We don’t know if he even bothered to get to know her and learn HER interests or hobbies. He made Coco get acquainted with cricket (sharing his interest) he could do the same with his wife, if he even wanted to bother with treating her like an actual wife.

    Coco was awesome with her response to him . He needs to get his act together and quit complaining. I honestly have ZERO sympathy for polygamous men. They’ve made their bed, now enjoy the results instead of continuing to scheme and lie.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    Gail,

    That Lah person is in a class by herself. I don’t know what her story is. I don’t know whether when she was here on the blog she was the daughter or the mother or the wife writing. All I know is the person who identified herself as Lah has some deep rooted hatred associated with her life and polygamy to the point she has it out for anyone who supports a polygamous life.

    Anytime people become obsessed with others who are not directly associated to them in anyway in their personal life, the people have some deep rooted pysch problems . As long as she leaves me alone, I’m good.

    You may have a point about coco and her soon to be co. They may be able to get along due to being of the same nationality. The only problem is, it doesn’t sound like the intended is into his current wife and the wife may sense that it’s because of her husband’s love for coco. It could become an issue, especially as he knew he loved coco before he married the now wife and he kept it under cover.

    My disposition is that of being straight up with people. I have a mouth problem – keeping it shut. I will tell on a person in a minute. I’m like either you tell it or I will. I’m hasty when it comes to stuff like it. I’m not saying it’s a good thing or bad. I don’t know what it is…

  • Gail

    December 14, 2014

    Ana,
    Actually it may help Coco being of Pakistani decent I am thinking and hoping for her because I think Pakistani woman even though they hate Polygamy as a whole if the other wife is also Pakistani then they know from day one they don’t live in denial that the husband is going to eventually divorce the other wife I believe and they r much more likely to get along.My husband says there are 3 men in his street in Pakistan that have 2 wives and some are even living together and getting along just fine.It is a totally different mindset than their husband being married to a foreign wife.I don’t remember where I heard this or if I just figured it out I can’t remember.On the other hand Lah didn’t accept her cowife so I am not totally 100% sure.
    I think the main thing in Pakistan is that everyone is in everyone elses personal business 24/7.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    Gail,

    Although I don’t know coco’s soon to be co, I think the same as you that she may encounter the same problems that you did. I keep forgetting that coco is of Pakistani origin as she is so Americanized to me. I fall to sleep and keep thinking I’m speaking with another born and raised American when I speak with coco. LOL. She may have to be on just a cordial level with her soon to be co, if the co is not receptive to coco, and has been indoctrinated into the Pakistani mindset. Sometimes, not being up close and personal with a co works best anyhow. If the cos have nothing in common, there isn’t much to work with.

  • Gail

    December 14, 2014

    Coco,
    I feel u totally understand Polygamy and u have the right attitude towards it.
    When I went into polygamy i went into just like u but unfortunately my excowife was not of the same frame of mind and was more drawn into family politics and finances and coming to USA.If your cowife is a puppet and thinks and acts the way her mother and mother inlaw tell her then she will be useless to u.U being Pakistani will figure out more quickly than me I imagine coming from that culture.
    You need to think how u r going to crack that armor if this happens to be the case where your cowife can’t think for herself understand.I don’t know if it is even possible.I tried so hard with my cowife but I just could not make her understand.It was like she just could not really think for herself and everyone was telling her what to do or making choices for her.Maybe I am wrong I don’t know but it sure seem to come across that way.I told her so many times tell hubby how u feel he can’t eat u.When he came and talked to her she would just look down and pick at the bed or her clothes and just ask him what he wanted like she was nothing more than a brick wall or a sounding board for him.It really was mind blowing to witness.

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    coco,

    Thank you much for sharing with us again about what has transpired in your life with your intended and how you feel. I think it’s the first time I sat down and read it, and got a good handle on what has been going on with you. You’ve been through so much, but seem so strong, optimistic and content with your life. I’m so happy to hear you and your intended intend to get married next year. I am soooo happy for you. You have a good attitude about polygamy and about your co to be.

    I certainly can understand the problem your husband has with communicating with your future co. It’s like that with some people. I have experienced it with certain people. I don’t know anything about your future co, but it could be due to his and your education and worldly experience with work and traveling that he is not on the same intellectual plane as she and you may find yourself that way with her, as well.

    I have to run for now. Insha Allah, I’ll return.

  • coco

    December 14, 2014

    Mira
    Each and everyone here contributes more than they can imagine I really loved the hadith you mentioned and found it helpful to me and I’m sure to others here as well. Don’t take to heart what is said here as ummof4 said we are sisters here and sometimes our words hurt one another but it’s all good it’s worth the consolation we receive here that can’t be sought elsewhere in times of distress. We need to grow spiritually to survive in such a polygamous setup. Ana signaled such a significant factor that regardless of what number we married in we need to come together in cooperation with one another, and accept this lifestyle. Let me give you a small example of how we need to stick with our co-wives regardless of whether or not they requite the gesture. My intended isn’t the type to say much when he’s stressed he prefers to suffer in silence and generally doesn’t talk negatively about others, we haven’t spoken regarding her since they’ve gotten married I don’t ask about her and he doesn’t bring her up it’s been about 7 months but a few days back he was very down and he messaged me out of the blue saying that “why don’t I have feelings for her? I find her conversation to be weird, sometimes she talks like she has sense but mostly she herself doesn’t know what she’s saying and I’m unable to comprehend her.” I was sorta dumbfounded like okay and your telling me this becauseeeeeee…..??!!!! But I took advantage of the fact that we all are to become family inshAllah and he listens to my advice I can get away with saying what I feel without being punished. So I said “I’m sure she’s a really nice respectful girl maybe you keep such a big distance with her, so she doesn’t know how to behave around you or get thru to you maybe she is also unable to comprehend you and that awkwardness between you both makes you both weirded out she probably feels exactly the same as you.” Even if you have to fake it show her affection so she’s comfortable around you. None of what took place was her fault it was yours” He then said that “I can’t force myself to how can I?” To which I said “you took the responsibility to marry her to please your parents so now go all the way be her husband and please her. Let’s say you don’t have feelings in your heart for her fine but you can show her kindness that to me is a form of love and maybe that will pave the way for you both.” Ask me how DIFFICULT it was to advise my intended to make more of an effort to show affection to her but I did as it was the RIGHT thing to do. If by my trying to bring them closer rather than keep apart and I get distanced in the process so be it! If he’s in my fate I’ll still have him if not than as Marie says it wasn’t in Allah’s will and my conscious would be clean. Allah grants us our desires based on our intentions, we need to keep our intentions pure for others so good can come back to us. See if I try to use their distance to my advantage or do nothing on my part than I’m doing the job of a shaitaan as the shaitaan loves to keep a husband and wife apart. Another thing now he is fully aware that I will not be pleased or appreciate him highlighting her in a negative light. It is possible she won’t reciprocate me initially but it doesn’t matter sooner or later she may melt if not then Allah is there to protect me and my affairs. If both co-wives share a united front who has the upper hand? Who’s in control? Mira the sisters here aren’t there to tear us apart I think to bring good in one another stick around and you will soon realise. Give it some thoughts xo ☺️

  • anabellah

    December 14, 2014

    Gail,

    The way your life is definitely is the way it is supposed to be. Polygamy just is not for your husband. He married the cousin, as he was supposed to. It was arranged and he did his duty, as long as he could. He met and fell in love with you. He didn’t want the other life that his family had mapped out for him. I think, based on all you have said, that your in-laws are on board with you.

    I’m not surprised that you like a polygamous life and he doesn’t. Opposite do seem to attract. You have your co’s children and it only make sense that you would want you all to become a family and raise the children together. I could see if your ex-co’s rationale for not accepting polygamy was because you are not Muslim, but I don’t think it’s the case. It seems she only wanted it to be she and your husband coming to the U.S. and her dream was shattered, according to her, because of you.

    About Mira, I don’t know what was up with her. She had me baffled. I don’t think she heard a word any of us said. I think anyone who says they pity anyone does it intentionally. They know exactly what they say and they say it to hurt another person. In all my years living, I have never said I pitied anyone other than in retaliation to give it back to someone who had said it about me. A person pities a mangy dog. The person who says such a thing about another is a pitiful something herself.

    I don’t get Mira at all, she’s all high and mighty and she’s a BIG, HUGE SECRET. Her husband won’t even acknowledge her as a wife to anyone and she has the gull to think she is all that. Men go to prostitutes, so what does it mean? It means the wife isn’t any good at home. He could be a nasty pervert. Anyone who mess with a prostitute is a nasty being. Her husband leave his wife to go to her, so it’s supposed to mean she is better than his wife. She could be his prostitute. Don’t get me started. She rubbed me entirely the wrong way. Initially I liked her. She’s not one of my favorites right now. If she’d like to come back and talk to someone here, she is welcome and I’ll keep my mouth shut to her. If you ask me, she just doesn’t get it – not anything. She’s in her own little world.

  • Gail

    December 13, 2014

    Ana,
    I’m not getting it either with Mira.It may very well be her hormones talking and she very well may not know which way is up or down I really can’t say but for sure there is some disconnect with her.I have a feeling she took us trying to giver her advice the wrong way.I am perplexed by her because it seems she understands and knows the truth and even contributed to the mess she is in somehow but refuses to do anything to fix the situation and try to make it right.
    I really do hate also when wives r pitied.I don’t get that logic it is so demeaning and I don’t know if people even realize this to be honest.
    I did myself tell my own husband to pick excowife and take his two kids and raise them and I will raise my son on my own and file divorce.I didn’t do it because I felt sorry for my excowife because obviously in my case she knew and I didn’t it was more like I want a divorce so u better grab on to who will take u and she was wanted him.
    I swear I don’t know how it is to this day we ended up staying together.I simply think it was him giving her talaq in front of me and her and her family going crazy on us.I didn’t feel polygamy was that bad and I honestly seen the good in it and was hoping for the best.I don’t know other than this is my life and this is the way it is suppose to be.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Gail,

    I don’t think Mira knows what time it is. She’s like – she did istikarah and she’s where Allah wants her to be. Then she’s like – she doesn’t like being a secret wife; her children won’t know their grandparents etc. He only give her one night a month, but she see him every day for five or six hours. Then she’s like – she tells him to go be with his pitiful family and children. Go there and pity them and she can’t understand why he won’t go. Then she’s telling us she could never leave him, despite the condition of her marriage; then she’s like – oh, he had a bad wife, which is why he came to her. Then she’s like – she ain’t got no friends and she’s all alone and it’s not a marriage; then she’s like – oh she’s no mistress; she’s a wife and she’s got it going on. I can’t make Hell or high water out of what’s she’s talking about. Perhaps it the hormonal changes that she’s going through as coco stated. Who the heck knows. One minute she doesn’t want to be a secret, next minute she’s fine with being a secret. Whichever way the wind blows, she apparently goes. I don’t know what she’s talking one minute to the next. Someone needs to explain it to me like I’m a two year old.

  • Gail

    December 13, 2014

    Mira,
    Something u said really burned me up inside.U stated that u would divorce your husband to spare first wife the pain.Listen I don’t know if u have thought this through on a very deep level but I must bring it to your attention just in case it hasn’t.
    Mira your husband has already done the deed/crime of secret marriage with u.U r lying to yourself or in denial if u think that her never knowing about u if u 2 were to divorce somehow wipes the slate clean.It won’t and it never will.He Lied and cheated her.Only his admission of guilt and his asking her forgiveness will be ok in the eyes of Allah/G.D of feel.Do u understand logically where I am coming from?
    This is like a huge cut that needs stitches not a bandaid.I hope u understand I don’t want u to lie to yourself and think u r protecting her when u simply can’t protect her.Even if she never comes to find out it does not change the fact her husband is a liar and a cheat and has taken a secret wife.
    Facts r facts and u can’t change the facts u can only ask for forgiveness.That is why I am such a huge fan of people owning up to their responsibilities.
    Mira somethings I am just not understanding did u marry your husband knowing he was already married or did all this come out after u were married?
    Mira I accept that u r suppose to be in this marriage.I don’t doubt it but please try to understand u do not have to stay silent or accept the his lies.
    I think u may feel being silent until u give birth is a good option and I would totally agree with u but I think u must be very careful not to accept his lies after u have given birth.
    Mira u said u r his legal wife then why on earth do u feel like a mistress.U must feel like that since u r being kept secret.Let me ask u this is your husbands happiness more important than your child’s happiness because u are allowing your husband to steal your child’s/future children family from him.Grandparents,siblings,Aunts,uncles,cousins,etc… U seem to be a very nice lady Mira and your husband did wrong with both of u and 1st wife u don’t have to feel like u have to protect him or take up for him he did the deed u r under no obligation to feel sorry for him or make excuses for him.In fact it is not ethical for u to do so.U r saying without saying it that Allah’s plan for Polygamy is not your plan is the way I see it.I think staying a secret wife and your religious beliefs do not match up and u must make them match up.
    Ummof4 was trying to give u religious advice how Allah has ordained Polygamy she was giving u the facts I hope u didn’t take personal.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Ana
    Oh come on anaaaaaaaa you are anything but monstrous lol I can frankly see how that statement can come across as offensive and pompous to any first wife here. Had I married my intended first and if my co-wife were to say she pities me I would be livid and would have felt deep animosity. I guess I am able to fathom both the first wives perspective and 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives is because when my intended got married he was a step away from becoming my husband I felt a chunk of the betrayal, pain and grief a woman feels upon her husband marrying another so when he married his cousin before I could really simmer myself in my misery my role switched to the role of a potential second wife. I thank Allah for keeping me lucid, upon this realization that his wife is also a victim and regardless of us being in love before she came in to the picture that truth is of no significance to her, she will suffer from my impending marriage. I could have felt that as a victim I should be consoled and have empathy from her but she didn’t wrong me my intended wronged me. I had to accept the fact that she is now his wife before me so I need to be considerate of her disregarding the fact that I was in excruciating pain and have been wronged in this equation. My unconventional upbringing helped me and all I kept telling myself is it could have been worse God forbid he could have gotten into a fatal accident and be 6’ft under the ground, I think it is much easier for me to have half of him than him as a whole dead. You are so spot on about the imams and sheikhs need to shift gears when it comes to the matter of polygamy and maybe give a few pointer in how the man NEEDS to handle polygamy and wives and how they can come together to form a strong unit and upbringing for the children.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Marie
    Honestly you don’t come across as mean or anywhere near a b**** you keep your tone as civil as possible don’t think otherwise and yes love I understood you meant that you didn’t have any faults as a wife, you trying to be a good Muslim is everything and I agree you seem to be quite a catch lol ☺️

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Gail
    Don’t fret I think all of us believed every word of our husbands or intended lol maybe woman are naive and trusting by nature but it’s a quality not a fault. I completely get how you wanted people to be fascinated by him and look up to you both as a couple your so candid and relatable. I think your words give others strength as well because in your writing we all feel that yes I’ve felt that omg I’ve been there and to be standing there overcoming your obstacles is exemplary and encouraging to the others here as myself. Your serenity prayer is absolutely beautiful! I think men are either mature or teenagers and I think Pakistani men mostly WANT to live in their teenager stage forever lol you’ve got patience exactly where you needed it mashAllah keep motivating! xo

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    I think women regardless of what number they married in need to come together in cooperation with one another, and accept this lifestyle (polygamy).

    We know husbands lie or exaggerate the truth to the wives they marry after the first wives. Men do it to the first wives as well. They say the same type of things to the first wife as they say to the second. For instance, some tell the first wife they pitied the woman they married second because the women had no one to marry them and care for them. They’ve been known to tell the first wive that their marriage to the second was a mistake, that they shouldn’t have done it. It’s not what they expected. They would divorce the seconds, if the first wives wants him to. Husbands pit wives against wives. Then the husband can’t understand why they’re in a pickle. They can’t understand why their lives and that of their wives are so jacked up.

    None of it is good for any wife to hear. The husbands need to focus on the individual marriages and stop badmouthing the wives to each other. It doesn’t bring conciliation between the wives when the men do such messed up stuff.

    Instead of these so called Imam and sheiks telling these men to go marry wives and have a free for all, they need to give lectures on what men and women could do to bring cooperation and respect among one another – and things of that nature.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Oh, and one more thing,

    My bewilderment with Mira and her Istikarah prayer is that a number of times she said to us that she performed the prayer. She said she did the prayer, and got the answer that this is where she is supposed to be – in the relationship that she is in. Well, what baffles me is that if she accepts the answer, which she claims she does, then what is her malfunction What exactly is her problem?

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    @Marie,

    You’re not all that bad at all. If you consider yourself as somewhat bad, I must be a monstrosity. I think the blog is what it is, what it has become, because it’s not about pretense here. We keep it real and sometimes words can cut right to the bone. One thing I liked about Jenny when she was here is that she had “tough skin”.

    Some people are not cut out for this blog. People come and people go. It’s how it’s been since the blog has been in existence. We gain some and we lose some. What is there for one to do when one feels he or she must leave? I’m not about to go run down anyone in an effort to bring him or her back. I may have done it once or twice before on the blog, but not anymore. Those days are long gone. Insha Allah, those days are over. All I can say to those who feel they must depart is – don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

    @coco,

    Thank you for simplistically breaking it down to mira. I agree with you; she needs to show some empathy toward her husband’s wife whom he married first and to her children. Mira’s the intruder. It’s the type of attitude that she has that gives wives who married second a bad name. It’s what gives them a bad reputation. It’s that high and mighty attitude that is a turn off. We all are guilty of having bad attitudes at time. It’s why it’s important that we give each other reality checks.

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Coco, I’m sure you understood what I meant but just to clear it. I certainly do have faults,and many of them but I couldn’t find any as a wife. I cook, clean, give birth and raise his children, kind and loving to him and his other children, listen to him,honest with him, dress nicely, respect him, do the do regular. I’m nice to his family and friends, and most importantly I TRY to be a good Muslim, although iv a looooong way to go in that respect. Heck I wanna be married to me lol. The only thing I couldn’t do was be two separate people, oh well, you can’t win them all lol.

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Coco, yes I agree. I live we can have our little chats without hurt feelings. I need to learn a thing or two about tact, I think that’s the word Ana used. Unfortunately it just comes out however it does may Allah help me with this. For now though I may be seen as the bit@h of the blog. But really when I’m writing I don’t mean to be mean. But you can’t use tone of voice or facial expressions on a blog. Maybe if we all meet, you’ll see that I’m not all that bad lol. a rose for all of you.

  • Gail

    December 13, 2014

    Coco,
    U brought a really great question of how I deal with my husbands lying.
    I will tell u when we first married I believed so strongly in my husband being faithful and honest and truthful but I will be honest what I received was anything but that to be frank.I have tried to live my live by a religious moral compass but my husband who I married thinking he was this really religious man was anything but that.I figured out after yrs and yrs that I had to focus on me and making myself all that I could be.When we first got married it was not like that I was all about my husband bringing him up in peoples eyes so people would think OH he is a awesome and getting somewhere in life and to be frank I wanted people to admire and be jealous of our life( in a good way) I wanted us to be that couple that everyone admired to be like.When I started figuring out my life was not the way I perceived it at all I went into a severe depression.I blamed my husband for yrs that he made us (our family) look like fools in peoples eyes and I hated him for it and I really struggled emotionally and mentally for yrs.
    I don’t know exactly when but little by little I started figuring out that I am the same person I have always been.I have not changed so why am I depressed and the A$$ hole that made this mess he seems perfectly fine living his life.
    I started saying the Serenity Prayer and kept the prayer on my mind 24/7.

    “Serenity Prayer”

    G.D, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
    The courage to change the things I can.
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

    This religious prayer was like medicine to my soul.I started to apply this to my life and to my husband character.
    I have not mentioned before on the blog but my husband has a BA degree but he acts likes a lunatic teenager in some areas of his life.I have been at my breaking point many times.I always say G.D did not give me Patience but seems he has when it comes to my marriage.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Marie
    One more thing I think it’s such a imperative point you made that many previous wives think endlessly what could they have done differently to change the fate of their husband marrying again, same thing goes for wives who marry second that why would he marry me if something in his first marriage wasn’t missing. It’s a mans immaturity to say such things between wives it causes such complex insecurities later down the line. I’m sure it took a huge toll on you trying to figure out what went wrong that your husband had to remarry and you couldn’t find a fault cuz you didn’t have any faults. That’s such a strong realization for woman in polygamous marriages to understand that he did because he wanted to and Allah willed it. I need to thank you for this very short yet strong line you’ve used a while back as well that really hit me hard and it’s that “Allah willed it” subhanAllah it’s as simple as that!

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Mira, I have a question. Did you feel “pity” for the 1st wife before or after you married your husband.

    If the thought of your husband and his wife getting it on sends you crazy, then in my opinion you shouldn’t marry a married man. It’s probably the most frequently told lie a man tells an additional wife. Would you have married your husband if he said his 1st marriage was great and he’s marrying you just because he wants to.

    Ana has already gave you an explicit ayat where Allah tells the believer to only trust Him.

    Mira, your not an amateur. I have been in polygamy since may this year. So you have more miles on the clock than I do. But here’s what I do. I listen to the women here and as long as it’s in accordance with the deen, I go for it. By the will of Allah because of the advice given on this blog my situation worked out better than it would have. I still need advice on certain matters.

    No, most of our husbands are not perfect and yours is not the worst we’ve heard of

    Your miserable because your a secret, but you agreed to be a secret. If my husband wouldn’t/couldnt publicity announce our marriage I’d say I’m less than a wife TO HIM (that’s how I would feel, not that you do feel like that) I want my husband to be happy and able to say I’m his wife as well as my co wife. It’s not us disrespecting you its your husband. only you, your husband and those who read this blog know your a wife.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    @Ummof4,

    I, too have heard of cases in which there are men who have more than one family and the families don’t know of each other. It’s usually comes out when the husband dies. Then there is the humiliation and scandal. It’s just frustrating to see people who call themselves “Muslim” caring out their lives the way non-Muslims do. They think just because they slap the label of marriage on the relationship that it makes it okay or different than the non-Muslim’s relationship. Either they are blind to what they are doing or just don’t care. It’s not about Islam. It’s not about the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). No, he didn’t have secret wives. He didn’t run about from wife to wife, lying and hiding.

    Ummof4, It was interesting that you said to mira that her husband is a liar, but not evil. That morning I read an ayah in the Quran in which Allah says the following:

    “Shall I inform you, (O people!), on whom it is that the evil ones descend?” Quran: Surah 26, Ayah 221

    “They descend on every lying, wicked person,” Quran: Surah 26, Ayah 222

    @Everyone,

    The ayah I said I’d find is cited below. It speaks of the posterity of people who arrived after the earlier prophets.

    “But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts soon, then, will they face Destruction,-” Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 59

    “Except those who repent and believe, and work righteousness: for these will enter the Garden and will not be wronged in the least,-” Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 60

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Ana
    I hear ya sistaaaaa ☺️ lol

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Mira
    Okay babe you using the word pity for your co-wife that is completely disrespectful to her maybe you can use I empathize with her, I have compassion for her as a sister in faith but not pity that’s a very demeaning word to use as you both are EQUALLY his wives. I think out of you three your husband should be the one pitied as the price he will have to pay for wounding two woman in front of Allah. She married him first and regardless whether their relationship is flourished or not her accepting you as a co-wife would be gracious because she has history with him children with him, her life was drastically altered, she entered her marriage as the only wife while you are entering with full knowledge of his first wife and kids. You shouldn’t be concerned with what your co-wife is doing right or wrong in her marriage that’s for both of them to delve into and work on you need to rather focus on doing your part right as a wife and to make sure you don’t do anything say anything to cause harm to his first marriage. If he says anything about her which he clearly shouldn’t you tell him to not talk about her in such a way she’s his wife she mothered his children think of it as sticking up for yourself cuz trust me he can make the same claims to her once she finds out about you so do good and good will come back to you. Think about it… xo

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Sis coco,

    As you said, I think we all do bring a balance to the blog. We are not all the same. We are different from day to day. We are always in a state of change. Sometimes we may feel more incline to speak the truth direct and straightforward and other times we take a softer tone. We respond based on what is said.

    I like that most people here are strong enough to take it on the chin. Extract the good from what is said and hopefully put it to use or stash it away for recall on another day. Only a few run up out of here and say they won’t be back – announce it instead of just leaving and not come back. For those individuals, as I stated to Aysh, all we could say is “Goodbye”. It’s not about please baby, please baby, please, don’t go. We leave it for the husbands to say LOL

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Marie
    I totally get what your saying and do agree honestly, I also think that’s what makes this blog so endearing that we all have an either comforting kind tone at times and at times a harsh tone but we manage to balance it out with our various perspectives. I just said what I did regarding Mira because I felt she isn’t totally aware of what she’s saying herself being on an emotional roller coaster. She’s sort of on the mode of “thinking out loud” in a daze. I’m not saying to wait for all woman till they are emotionally ready but I felt bad for her she’s pregnant her hormones are probably out of control, this should be a time she’s beaming with happiness but she’s not in an ideal situation maybe she’s saying things she normally wouldn’t no? Mira’s husband doesn’t have to see her everyday yet when they got married I’m sure Mira loves him enough that had he said sorry baby I can only see you once a week, bi monthly, monthly she would have gone with it but he sees her everyday that stands for something. Yes I agree the truth is necessary but so is one’s sanity. As for our babe Gail she said the same sort of things to me that they’re probably at it like bunnies lol I didn’t take offense to that as Gail was most probably right but maybe you and I are more emotionally stronger than some of the others out there maybe we have a better support system than others out there to cope. Just saying xo

  • Mira

    December 13, 2014

    Salam Ladies…

    Thank you for taking the time to answer and giving me a piece of your mind. Like I said…I am still new to the polygamy life and am still trying to come to terms with it and learn. I do not have the same experience or knowledge like most of you here.

    Excuse me for being an amature.

    I am not his mistress. I am his legal wife so I hope there can be some respect in that sense not to keep referring me as one. Its not nice….I never did resent his 1st wife. I do not hate her. I do not know her. I only know her by name and that she is his 1st wife. That’s about it. Like I have mentioned, I know he loves her alot but will never admit it to me but never did I blame her for my misery.

    My misery boils down to not being able to trust him like I did previously and me being kept as a secret. He isn’t the perfect husband…but he is my husband afterall.

    Annabellah, if you believe something is wrong somewhere with my istihara prayers, then I have nothing much to say as that was my prayers to Allah SWT and I never doubted it and again I have to stress that I did not mention that I hated or blamed his 1st wife. Never. So I do not understand why everyone keeps on saying that.

    ummof4, I didn’t ask you to be responsible for what I felt when I read your comments….I am human and do have emotions. I merely stated my emotions.

    I know each and everyone of you have your own comments that my husband is the worse kind of human unlike your husbands etc but I will still pray for him no matter what. My marriage isn’t based on lust as what Annabellah have said….and I am not his mistress nor legal girlfriend. I am his wife. I am his bestfriend and I am his soulmate that Allah SWT have assigned to.

    Please don’t degrade me that way…please.

    Coco, thank you for your reply….I really appreciate it. You have said it better than I ever could. Thank you for your well wishes and yes he does respect me….but he is afraid of what potentially might happen. Honestly coco, there have been too many times I told him to divorce me as I do not want to upset his 1st wife and I ask him to pity his 1st wife and kids. Save them all the trouble of heartpain for what he have done.

    I told him its still not too late (i wasn’t pregnant then) he apologised to me and said he will never leave me. Never. I fought hard for the 1st wife even when I do not know her. I was and am still willing to give up my marriage in order to make sure that she does not go through the same pain I did.

    Too many times I asked him to leave me, but he refuses. I do not know why but I told him that it is easier to leave me as we are still new….no one knows about me so its ok. Despite all that he still refuse to budge. I do not know why he is stuborn in that sense but my logical mind tells me that is not lust…not at all.

    When you place it out that way about the time division, I just realised that he is being fair. My night time with him is my day. Somehow I do not have a good feeling that his 1st wife will accept me or any other wives for that matter if she finds out.

    Previously before we got married and when I recently found out about him and his wife…he asked his 1st wife for permission to marry another, he showed me an sms from her. It was a text that she asked for a a divorce. I know after that he might have told her he longer have anything to do with me and have calmed her down or sort of…i think. But based on that I do not think I am welcomed.

    Thus the reason why I kept on asking him to leave me. Sounds crazy I know but what matters is that I can prevent from her getting hurt…the last I asked him to leave me was 1 week ago. He sat down with me and asked me why do I always worry about his 1st wife….I said cos I pity her. I don’t want her to feel hurt. He said he isn’t bothered by her. He is happy with me. He felt needed in the house with me etc etc It went in my right and went out my left ear. But it did register at some point. Am I crazy to believe what he is telling me that he isn’t happy? That he feel that he isn’t needed by his 1st wife? That he is still in the marriage cos of his 2 kids? I don’t know. If he is lying then Allah SWT will deal with him, if he isn’t that I feel sorry for him.

    I don’t really want to think about the bedroom activities as it will only drive me crazy. He tells me that he have not touched her for a long time. They co-sleep with their 2 other kids in the same room. He sleeps with his eldest and youngest and she sleeps on another single bed in the same room joined together with the bed that he sleeps in. Basically what he is trying to tell me is that they don’t even sleep on the same bed etc etc etc blah blah

    Truth or lies? I do not know. I take everything he says now with a pinch of salt.

    Coco, I hope your situation is much better than mine. Infact I hope everyone’s situation is better than mine.

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Yessss, the polygamous man’s excuses. I suppose they have to make some form of excuse to make sense of it themselves. They’ve been told their entire lives that it’s one man one woman. So some look for faults in 1st wives or just straight up invent faults. It doesn’t help anybody. Some women go through a stage of looking at where she went wrong, what she could have done differently, she believes her husband would never have married ago if….. (fill in
    the blank). additional wives for the most part believe the same. Why would he marry me if she (1wife) was doing her job. Additional wives soon get a rude awakening. It’s not right for a husband to further cement the idea to any of the wives that there is something wrong in the first marriage. For the life of me I couldn’t work out why my husband re married, I couldn’t find fault in myself as a wife. Sorry to be tooting my own horn. The only thing that made sense was because he wanted to and Allah willed it. It’s the only reason he needed and the only reason he had.

  • ummlana

    December 13, 2014

    Coco,
    I don’t think I’m quite over all the lying. Lost a lot of respect for him. Before when I asked why did you marry 3 he would badmouth them and point faults. Now that ive accpeted i have 3 cowives he says, its his right. Your right. Co wives and I don’t get along at all. We have separate accomadtions so its all good. But I would like to get along with them. I’ve stopped putting efforts now because of previouse experience.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Ana
    I agree men do exaggerate and make up lies, even go as far as bad mouth their previous wives which is down right wrong. I just remember her saying that he loves his first wife and kids so she isn’t in denial about his love for first wife neither is she bashng her co-wife. I’m sure she realizes by now his marriage isn’t as bad as he portrayed it to be. I can relate to almost all woman here in some form or way but just think she’s fragile at the moment. Mira’s a legal wife it’s the husband who isn’t able to handle the situation properly out of fear of his surrounding, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect her or she’s no more than a legal mistress. We aren’t really in the same boat my intended was with me for 3 years but married secretly 7 months ago out of compulsion to obey his parents be a good son. Blahhhhhhhhh I think as soon as someone becomes a wife that changes the ballgame completely from all sides. The problem is Mira’s husband doesn’t respect himself or his first wife to be truthful to rather than her. See for me it’s much simpler as I am walking in with open eyes I am clearly aware marrying him means directly entering a polygamous marriage. It’s not just dumped on me one fine day by surprise. I don’t know how I would have handled it if I was married to him and then this happened I would have been all over the place that maybe I wouldn’t have married him had I known he would marry another but I’m at a point I get to decide Alhumdulilah! It’s all about fate at the end of the day. But I know that to walk into this marriage I must love my co-wife who is now a part of him to love him sincerely and to keep my marriage afloat as one wave affects the oceans tranquility. Everyone’s gotta do their part with pure intentions and Allah takes care of the rest ☺️

  • ummlana

    December 13, 2014

    Gail,
    I certainly did Bosh his brains. He had it coming his way. He knows me well enough to be able to tell me anything. I agree 100% with you I absolutly hate lies, who wouldnt..worst thing is he got away with lying for 5 years. The fault was mine I was just so much in love with him that I started to turn a blind eye and brush things under the carpet and make excuse for him. After I found out about 2nd wife I blamed myself entirely. It was a tough time and dark days I just can’t being to explain. Was depressed and thats when i stumbled across this blog. Iknew he loved me and I loved him so I went with it. We both aattended councilling which helped a lot. I Took the risk, what’s there to lose apart from your sanity and I’m still here with him today. Alhamdulilah.

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Coco, I don’t want you to think that your way of advising women is wrong. You do a lovely job, and I myself have benefited from your words of comfort. Some of us are harsh and some are not. It’s what makes it such a great place for advice. I remember when my husband re married, it was there wedding night and I was blogging away. Our lovely Gail reminded me that they (hubz and co) would be at ‘it’ like dogs, there was about 10 posts that said Gail, could have said it in a nicer way. And the ” at it like dogs” sentence was in every one of the posts. Did it hurt to read it, heck yeah, was it the truth, yep. So I didn’t mind. Sometimes we need some bluntness. May I also add that it was Gail who helped in the beginning to not put so much emphasise on what they be doing, and make sure I’m getting mine lol.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Ana

    I agree men do exaggerate and make up lies, even go as far as bad mouth their previous wives which is down right wrong. I just remember her saying that he loves his first wife and kids so she isn’t in denial about his love for first wife neither is she bashng her co-wife. I’m sure she realizes by now his marriage isn’t as bad as he portrayed it to be. I can relate to almost all woman here in some form or way but just think she’s fragile at the moment. Mira’s a legal wife it’s the husband who isn’t able to handle the situation properly out of fear of his surrounding, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect her or she’s no more than a legal mistress. We aren’t really in the same boat my intended was with me for 3 years but married secretly 7 months ago out of compulsion to obey his parents be a good son. Blahhhhhhhhh I think as soon as someone becomes a wife that changes the ballgame completely from all sides. The problem is Mira’s husband doesn’t respect himself or his first wife to be truthful to rather than her.

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Coco, you said something interesting. You said something to the effect that we should wait untill a woman is emotionally ready to hear the truth before we tell her the truth. It’s a good point, and when advising women I believe most of us do not have the intention to further batter an already battered woman. BUT, isn’t this what lying polygamous men do, they say they need to wait until the woman us ready, till the kids are older till this, that and the other. From personal experience telling me what I want to hear doesn’t help, I will never be ready to hear the truth because I’m comfortable with the lie. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but the truth is the truth. You can’t move forward if you don’t know the truth.

    I don’t feel like miras husband is being fair at all, to neither of his wives. Her husband HAS TO spend those hours with mira regularly, he can’t break the routine because his first wife will find it strange that sometimes he’s home at 10 and sometimes not. She will ask question as to his whereabouts and evidently figure out that he’s up to no good. He must be telling 1st wife he’s still at work or has another job or whatever he tells her, but it’s not the truth. And the last thing he wants is for her to find out the truth.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    coco,

    This will be short, as I’m on my phone. Husbands give prospective wives excuses for why they want to marry them and of course they will use whatever is happening in their marriage and usually exaggerate or make things up. They will not straight up say they want another sex partner, which many times it may be the case. The problem is by these men airing any personal business to these women, which is non of their business it only cause more problems 4 the husbands and the women involved. It doesn’t foster any unity and doesn’t make anyone’s life easier. The newcomers to the marriages usually always get a wakeup call that all the husbands complaints about the wives didn’t mean they loved their wives less and the problems were not as significant as they portrayed them to be. Men simply felt they needed a reason to take another wife, which they don’t.

    In Mira’s case, she doesn’t even know the other wife, nor does the other wife know of her, yet she believes her husband, knowing he is a liar.

    I think you relate to Mira because you and she are in the same boat.your intended for 3 years is married and his wife doesn’t know about you. It is not Islam. It’s not polygamy according to Islam. The focus should be kept not on the first wives, but on the wrong the husbands or husbands to be are doing that is Islamically incorrect.

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    ummlana
    Oh yes same here babe! I though polygamy was something done in the olden times lol regarding men and lying they are just too stupid to understand that the bitter truth is better than a sweet lie. They think they are being smart and in control when they are actually stirring up a tornado with their own very hands. Woman function much differently than men unfortunately lol didn’t you just go cray cray on him upon discovering he has four wives? Did you ever get to know WHY he married so many? I’m sure it wasn’t easy for all four of you to get along unless he kept you all apart. I find myself in curiosity like Gail how do you ever get over that much lying? Good for you if you did and are at a better place with your husband and life! xo ☺️

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    ummof4 and Ana
    I hear where your coming from ummof4 mashAllah you are blessed that your husband handled polygamy with respect, fairness and maturity when it came to handling his wives. But to be honest MOST people here don’t have a convenient ideal set up as yourself. So the negativity they may feel towards their husband and sometimes co-wife is something I think you may not understand if you haven’t had to deal with that side of polygamy, maybe that’s why you find it hard to digest words that are nothing but words of emotions rather than words of hostility. I agree that a marriage doesn’t have to be in trouble for a man to remarry, and yes a man doesn’t need a reason to get married again but we can’t ignore the fact for most of the men discussed here there always was a reason behind why a man is marrying again no? Yes it may be religious, lust, spitefulness, anger, resentment or compulsion. Whatever the reason may be in anyone’s situation it plays a HUGE part in how they handle themselves, co-wives or husbands or WORDS. With all due respect I just feel like sometimes our comments can further batter a emotionally battered woman without us even realizing it. Sometimes others aren’t strong enough or in the right state of mind to hear the truth as we call it. We should be kind handle them with fragility and once we feel they are in a better state we then tell them how it is but with kindness. Nonetheless you raised such a strong valid point that those men who lie when marrying another wife they NEED to fear Allah before they fear his creation like wives, parents, family, friends, co-workers, tribes, neighbors and whoever else. Mira’s pregnant and maybe just venting it’s not like she’s attacking her co-wife or putting her down it’s apparent he married her for whatever reason but he did! She isn’t just a meaningless endless fling he’s married to. I hope you both won’t take me the wrong way I’m just trying to show you a perspective in regards to her situation. I’m coming from a completely neutral perspective as you all know I’m not in such a set up yet so there aren’t any hidden words of bitterness or anger here. Much love xo

  • coco

    December 13, 2014

    Mira
    Omg I’m kinda the same way I go into hibernation when I’m distressed and yes it does worry the other but I think keeping silent is better than confrontation, one later realises that in the heat of the moment it’s better to shutdown instead of regretting your words later. You suffering in silence or coping however you wish to is perfectly fine as long as it brings you solace. I can understand how seeing your friends enjoying their monogamous marriages while you are in your turmoil hits you hard but just keep in mind your husband gives you time every day yes you don’t have him for a night but you have him in the day and that’s your night. It’s not easy to divide time between wives and I think it must not be easy for a husband. Mira you are not crazy your pregnant your feeling uncertainty which is okay you just need someone around you to spread the positive light. Mira I’m going to take the liberty and answer your question, in a polygamous setup and as much as I’ve read here from others experiences I think he’s being fair you get to see him everyday! From the time he leaves work which is 3 reaches you by 4 and stays till 9 I mean that’s quality time away from his free time off from work that he spends with YOU when he could be with his first wife and children, he’s dividing that time to give to you, let’s suppose his first wife were to discover that he spends these 5 hours with you and comes home nearly at bed time don’t you think she would be livid? Sometimes we gotta analyze our situation from all angles to make sense of it. Yes she does have him in the night in which she gets to wake up next to him in the morning but you have him during the day to go out for dinner maybe watch a movie have stimulating conversations and spending quality time with not sleeping for most of the time. You never know maybe when your no longer a hidden wife inshAllah if she comes to know of your timetable she would prefer to swap that time with you so she can do things with him as a family have quality time with him as opposed to at most doing the dirty deed and heading to bed. From your posts I never got the impression that your convinced he doesn’t love the first wife I in fact remember you saying that he does love her, you don’t think of her as the problem I think you’ve been very clear that your husband is to blame for the pain your enduring. You’ve got a very mature plan of how to handle yourself if God forbid something were to go wrong or happen to your husband. Your doing great mashAllah I mean all those pregnancy hormones should have you all over the place and you seem pretty composed. Don’t you go back into the darkness love! I think your husband does respect you just like he respects his first wife, It just comes down to him being cowardly as how to handle the reaction of his wife so he’s delaying the chaos that is bound to hit him later. Your doing great Mira don’t lose hope, much love to you ❤️ xo

  • ummof4

    December 13, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Gail, my husband did not have biological children with any other wife. I don’t know why, because bedroom business is private for us. However, he did marry women who already had a child. You probably remember from the old blog that my husband and I had two small children when he first became polygynous. While we were a polygynous family, my husband and I had two more children and two miscarriages. My co-wife and I were not close friends, but we were friendly towards each other. Our personalities and interests are very different, but she is a good Muslim. Her son and our children were not very close because of a big difference in ages. Her son was always welcome in our home, but did not come often because he was a teenager when they married. Our children were always welcome in my husband’s other home and often spent the night, especially when I was writing term papers or travelling for the weekend.

  • ummof4

    December 13, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Mira, I will not take responsibility for your feelings. I am sorry that you feel like you are in the darkness again, but I do not apologize for what I said. I have been in a situation where my husband fell ill and was at his other wife’s home. He could not leave the house due to his condition. My children and I had to visit him at his other home. I can’t imagine my children and I not seeing my husband because of a secret. What would my children and I have done if my co-wife had been a secret? I would have called the police and filed a missing persons report, only to find out that he was with his other wife. That would have been an asinine situation.
    I acknowledge that you are willing to stay with your husband and keep living the lie. I and others are just trying to show you all angles instead of just the one that your husband shows you.
    There is much love on this blog for everyone. But as sisters we often tell the truth and it hurts.
    Take care of yourself and your bundle you are carrying. Make sure you have a reliable person to be with you during your birth experience in addition to your husband being on call. I pray that you have a healthy baby. And don’t neglect your son– he needs his mother too.
    Allahu Akbar!(Allah is the Gretest!)

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Mira, one more thing, you said by the time your husband gets home (to 1st wife) all the lights are out and everyone’s asleep. It’s probably true. And by now his wife will be in the routine of him getting back at 10pm. I know my husband routine and when he gets backs, I’m ready to spend time and get busy. Even if he’s usually late as soon as he gets in to bed I wake up and we talk and errm other stuff. So don’t let him convince you that he goes straight to sleep when he gets home. I’m sure it’s the same in other marriages. Furthermore fajr can be real early in the morning when young kids are still asleep couple take advantage of the hour or two after prayer and before kids are awake. Trust me they spend time together. Sorry if that’s harsh

  • Marie

    December 13, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    @mira, hey, I haven’t commented on your situation yet as the other sisters had said it all. But a lot of what your saying reminds me of how I used to feel, in the sense of blaming the other woman. My husband married me first but had a previous relationship with my now co wife. My husband by nature is not a 1woman man, but has said he could happily spend the rest of his life only being married to me. I take care of all his ‘needs’. So the notion that if a man has his needs met he will not marry again is bs. I blamed my co wife for being difficult with him (before they married) so in my head she ‘forced’ him to marry her, to make it easier to see his kids ect.. which is not true. I also wrongly accused her of trying to ruin my life and that she only wanted to marry him to spite me. These things made me feel better, why? Because as long as long as I thought that it ment that they had a loveless horrible marriage and their misery is the result of a wrong being done to me. Well, I soon admitted to my self that they are married because they want to be, they love each other. Bearing in mind most of the things I believed I had actually made ip in my own mind, my husband never said she forced him to marry her or that he didn’t love her. But by saying I met all his needs and I’m the favourite fuled my fire. But I was the miserable one, I was hurting and I knew untill I stop the blame game and submit to Allah’s will I will suffer. I’m in a good place now, Alhamdulilah.

    Now on to fairness, I think most of the woman here who have been married for a long time know what their husband would like to do and how he would like to practice polygamy. I know my husband would like to spend more time here, with me but he doesn’t. It wouldn’t be fair and it’s not how Islamic polygamy is practiced. There’s been time when iv been sick, the kids are on one (hyper) and he has to leave. He doesn’t turn round to his other wife and say well I’m not coming tonight because marie is sick and the kids are crazy, nope he gets his ass up and goes. Obviously if I was VERY sick and couldn’t handle it then he would take the kids with him, but he’d still go. I can call him anytime for an emergency. Another point is when my husband was due to leave 2nights ago, he was in bed with a cold, I knew he didn’t feel like going anywhere he would have preferred to stay in bed and have me bring him honey and lemon drinks, but he got up and left. Point is a lot of the time he goes against what he wants to do and does what he’s supposed to do. I feel your husband is going against what he’s supposed to do and does what he wants to do.

    Me and my husband have a happy marriage and had a happy marriage but he still married someone else.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Mira,

    All I am saying is, if you feel you can’t do anything, except remain in the relationship, as it is, – It’s all good. It is Allah’s decision. You should try to find happiness or the good in it. Stay in it until Allah changes things for you.

    Don’t say it’s Allah’s decision and at the same time continue to blame your husband’s other wife for what he is doing. The fault lies in your husband, not his wife. She doesn’t know about you. When an injustice is done to you, at least try to see the wrong in it and where the wrong lies. It lies with your husband. It’s all I’ve been trying to say…

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You are a real sweetheart. You have more patience than I do with the situation that is plaguing Mira. I think it’s because she’s not understanding what polygamy is about. I could see her saying what she is in is Allah’s decision and she is going to try to find contentment in it and exercise patience, persevere and pray. Yet, she can’t move forward as long as she holds onto her husband’s lies and justify his actions.

  • anabellah

    December 13, 2014

    Mira,

    I have a lot of catching up with all the post, so forgive me if I’m repeating what some of the other ladies here have already said.

    You need to understand the concept of polygamy in accordance with Islam. I’m not trying to be mean or anything of the sort. I just really wish you could understand A man doesn’t need to have problems in his first marriage in order to take on another wife. Married couples have problems and ups and downs in their marriages. It’s quite normal. You and your husband will have your share of problems the same as he and his first wife will have their share. If he had 3 or 4 wives. He would have his share of problems with all of them, as well. Some problems may be more or less depending on the variables and factors. The husband will most likely have some kind of love and affection or caring for all of his wives. If he didn’t, he’d divorce the wife or come to an amicable arrangement in which they would stay married, but he’d do his thing (get a second, third or fourth wife.)

    I keep getting from you that you think the husband has to have a bad situation with his other wife in order to take on another. It is not the case. If the problems were that serious in his other marriage that they were so insurmountable, you could bet your last dollar that he would be spending nights with you and he would let his wife know about you, regardless of how much he loves his kids and fear losing them. Husbands leave family all the time and they love their kids. It’s what “visitation” is all about. A man will not tolerate his wife telling him that he cannot see his kids. He has rights and is entitled to see his kids. There are legal remedies to address that type of situation involving children. Heck, some Muslim men think they are entitled to the children, and will take them from the wife in a heartbeat.

    Polygamy isn’t there for problem marriages. It’s not what polygamy is about. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t go get all those wives because of problems he was having with the others. Polygamy is available because Allah created men to desire women. Some men desire more than one woman/wife. When you say: “he is the kind of man that will be contented with just 1 wife had she been there to attend to his needs.” it lets us know it’s not sinking into your head what polygamy is about. Your “husband” is filling your head with a bunch of non-sense. If you were all that he’s telling you that you are, he would spend nights with you the way he spends them with his other wife. He would let her and his immediate family know about you. You are pregnant. He would be proud of it and let them know. You are the secret; she isn’t. So, you and he need to stop blaming her for why he doesn’t respect you.

    Your marriage is the equivalent of an affair. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, guess what? It’s a duck. If it looks like a non-Muslim relationship -affair/mistress, it is. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) who is one of our examples along with the other prophets Allah mention in the Quran didn’t live the way you and your “husband” are living. It’s wrong. It’s not right.

    You could say you did istakarah and prayed to Allah and it is where you are. Well, something is wrong with this picture. If this is where you are, you must not be doing something right because Allah says He disposes of the Believers affairs towards comfort and ease. You are getting no comfort or ease. As long as you sit there and blame everything and everyone else for the misery that you are in, you will continue to feel heartache and pain. Nothing good comes from evil.

    He’s not with you because of anything to do with his first wife. He’s with you because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with his wife because most likely he loves her and the kids. He loves you too, but you don’t stand up for yourself, so he could take advantage of you and treat you like his side kick. All this love stuff, blah, blah, blah. It’s all lust talking.

    You could pray for him from the time the sun comes up until the sun goes down, if he’s not praying for himself and trying to get himself right with Allah, your prayers for him are useless. He’s got to get himself right with Allah. Him lying and hiding you isn’t helping him.

  • Mira

    December 13, 2014

    Coco

    Thank you coco. Your words made me smile. Yes I know he loves me alot and didn’t throw me in a corner to cope by myself. Its just the trust and being kept as a secret issue.

    I know there are a few 1st wives here and would think I am delusional for thinking that he have a rocky relationship with his 1st wife cos none of you feel that way….to me based on my husband’s personality…he is the kind of man that will be contented with just 1 wife had she been there to attend to his needs.

    Whether they have a perfect marriage or not, I do not know ….. maybe they do…maybe they don’t.

    Not all marriages are perfect as how we would like to picture it. Mine isn’t but i do know he loves me with all his heart and I always pray that he is a changed man and will start speaking the truth.

  • Mira

    December 13, 2014

    ummof4

    Thank you for your reply. Those questions are the ones that I ask myself repeatedly. I know men do not need a reason to marry another but of course as I am entirely new to all these polygamy issues (unlike most of you ladies here) I believed him when he told me of his reason for marrying me.

    Yes he lies. He hides me away from his 1st wife and parents. I know he loves his 1st wife and children more than anything in this world but flat out deny this from me.

    I was cheated and lied to. Toyed around and oppressed with his games. But yet I still married him. Why? Cos I asked for help from Allah SWT. I asked to show me if I should go down this path. My husband made it clear to me that it will take sometime for him to inform his parents or even his 1st wife.

    Based on that knowledge, I prayed istihara and I am where I am today. I still question what does Allah SWT wants me to learn from this experience. He is the Master of all Secrets and Best of All Planners.

    I will only know when he wants me to.

    Of course there are alot of days I break down and cry my eyes out for being oppressed this way. For all his lies and for not being able to trust him. I am human afterall but not strong as most of you here.

    ummof4 your comment just threw me into the darkness again.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ummlana,
    Wow is all I have to say.I wish I could give u a hug.I hate when men do that crap.I honestly wonder when they marry that many wives if it becomes a lust thing and for sure it is entrapment the way he did u 100%.
    I am curious how did u get past it?It seems u have accepted it or do u still feel like u would like to bash his brains in?lol
    Believe me when I found out about my husband and all his lies I could have easily slaughtered him just like an EID Sacrifice no kidding.
    Lying is just the worst.I could totally handle if my husband came to me and said he wanted to practice polygamy and he wanted me to meet the woman and see if we got along and took me into consideration like Ummof4 husband has done with her but lying no way it drives me CRAZY!!! It is a good thing we have Laws and I was afraid to go to prison otherwise well lets just say my husband was Dang Lucky!

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ummof4,
    I am curious does your husband have Biological children with any of his other wives?

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ummof4,
    Your post was really great!I totally agree with that Polygamy should be practiced the way u describe.Hiding and keeping silent doesn’t do anyone any good in my opinion.I truly believe that if a second wife wants to marry into a polygamous marriage she must be willing to try her best to get along and accept the marriage otherwise it is just becomes insanity for everyone involved.
    I also think the first wife should welcome the second wife and either accept the situation or divorce again why create insanity it just makes no logical sense.
    Everyone has their opinions I really love the way u use your knowledge of the Quran and explain it in everyday words so people can understand.I feel it is very good and I can feel your passion in trying to make people understand.

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    Ummlana,
    I am curious can u share your story.I would love to hear about u.

  • ummof4

    December 12, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ladies do not ever believe that a marital relationship has to be in trouble or not happy for a man to marry another wife. First of all, he needs no specific reason to marry one, two, three or four wives. He is supposed to give each wife her rights according to the teachings of Islaam. She is supposed to give her husband his rights according to the teachings of Islaam.

    Some of you are new here and may not have read previous posts. A number of us here have perfectly fine, healthy, loving, caring marriages. Our husbands informed us that they were going to marry another wife. Each husband helps his wife get through whatever negative feelings she may be having towards herself, him, or the prospective wife. Some of our husbands even make sure that we talk to the prospective wife before the marriage takes place. Several here have even been asked to help select the new wife so she fits in with the family. I planned the bridal shower and waleemah for my husband’s new wife. Also some husbands here have severely admonished their wives when they did something to deliberately hurt another wife.

    I have been married for forty years and my husband has married other wives more than once. The longest other marriage was for 14 years. Before he marries another wife my husband insists that she contact me and ask any questions that she may have about him and his character. He makes it perfectly clear to her that he loves and cares about me and has no plans to replace me or divorce me. He also tells her that if she messes with me at all to cause me any stress or pain, he will divorce her. He actually did divorce a wife once when she started saying negative things about me both to me and to him.

    I am saying all this to say that some husbands do not lie or cheat. There are still some honest, upright Muslim men who respect all women. For them to misrepresent themselves would be a sin for them because they are honestly trying to earn the blessings of Allah and get to the Jannah.

    Why do a number of Muslim men lie when they marry new wives? All I can say right now is they should fear Allah more than they fear their wives, mothers, fathers, families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc.

  • ummlana

    December 12, 2014

    when we wanted to announce our marriage, Someome sent me photos of the first wife and children.
    I found out about second wife from a someone that befriended hubbies wife and knew my husband so therefore told me.
    And lastly found out about 3rd when he accidentally called her name. Found out the hard way when he could of told me straight up

  • ummlana

    December 12, 2014

    Coco,
    Thank you for your warm welcome… Hubby was polygamous way before I met him. I met him at work, never really spoke to him. He looked young. Someone in their mid 20s. I was looking to marry and so was he (again). Long story cut short I asked how old he was and he said early 30s. It didn’t hit me to ask if he had a wife or wives. Polygamy seemed like something that was done in the olden days. I thought i knew him inside out. I was dead wrong. After we married Ifound out about his 3 wives separately. When I found out about first wife I said are you hiding anymore wives and children from me. He said no. Lo and behold, each time I’d find out he has another wife and children! Difficult times they were. Don’t know how I managed to stay put with Him. The wives didn’t know about me then. Would if been soo much more better if he told me the truth. I always ask him how did you mange to hide all this from me. Didnt it burden you. God knows. I know I’d go bonkers if I hide anything as big as that from him.

  • Shabanah

    December 12, 2014

    Ummlana,

    Marhaba (welcome)…

  • ummof4

    December 12, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mira, you say your husband spends every day with you from 4 to 9 PM and does not go to his other home until 10 PM. So, if he is so concerned about and loves his children so much that he can’t be separated from them, why does he go home every night when they are asleep? Maybe he spends morning time with them.
    Please accept the fact that he still loves and cares for his wife he was married to first, just as he loves and cares about you. The difference is that he respects her but has no respect for you.

    I know I’ve been blunt, but I will continue to say that a husband who does not want the world to know that he is married to his wife, does not respect her as his wife – she is a glorified, legal girlfriend.

    If you can live like this, fine. But don’t kid yourself and keep believing that he does not care about his other wife and she does not care about him.

  • ummlana

    December 12, 2014

    Assalamualaikum.
    Annabellah I wasn’t on the other older version of the blog. I have been following but haven’t put my thoughts in so to say. From now on I will Insha’Allah. So ladies watch out for lol.

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Mira
    Don’t doubt his love for you regardless of everything he does see you everyday and spends quality time with you, he hasn’t thrown you in a corner to cope with polygany. The trust will take time until then you’re holding on to something very powerful, hold on tight to this hadith and Allah will take care of the rest inshAllah.xo

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    ummlana
    Welcome to the blog! I would love for you to shed some light on your situation of how you came to know of your husband being polygamous if your comfortable with it of course. 🙂

  • coco

    December 12, 2014

    Gail
    Babe you have me rolling on the floor laughing with your prized pig post. Hahahahahaahhahahahahaha you funny funny woman! xo

  • Gail

    December 12, 2014

    ummlana,
    Welcome I agree with your post.I noticed with Polygamous men many do badmouth their first wives.The sad part is the second wife believes the bull until the husband blows them out of the water talking smack about Polygamy or wanting to take a 3rd wife then the truth hits them right smack in the face.It really is a live and learn thing.I know for me I thought I won the prize pig when I met and married my husband.I thought dang I got the best meal deal ever! Then when I figured out My prize Pig was a filthy PIG I was like Oh nasty throw back hurry up!Took me years before I did not hate him to be honest.Took until just a few months ago before I actually started thinking he is making progress.

  • Mira

    December 12, 2014

    Salam Annabellah, Gail, Shabana, ummlana

    Reality hits hard when I read and re-read what each of you ladies have to say. Its painful but yes what each of you have said are the TRUTH. But why do he then do this:- badmouth about his 1st wife? Each time I tell him don’t say things that aren’t true about your 1st wife he will answer:

    “I am telling you the truth (exasparated look) Think about it. I can spend my time after work (he finish work at 3PM and arrive at our home at 4PM everyday) and go back to my own place and spend time with my kids and wife but I am here at our place instead EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail after work till late at night when the kids are already asleep! By the time I reach home (1st wife home) it is already 10PM and the whole house is dark and everyone is asleep! If my relationship with my wife is really very good, why would I even want to marry another? She doesn’t even bother about me. She don’t make me feel needed!”

    That is the same thing he tells me to think before breaking down and going all emotional about my situation. At some point I do see the logic …it does makes sense….but then again how am I to trust him?

    I know for a fact that one fine day his 1st wife will find out about us. When and How I’ll leave it to Allah SWT….he is the best of planners and The All Knowing.

    I pray daily that he will mend his ways as there is nothing much I can do except to advise him and duaa for him to change his ways. Afterall he is still my husband and this is the path that was already set for me.

    To all the ladies here…whether you are a 1st , 2nd etc wife….I pray that none of you will ever encounter situations like mine….The only thing that keeps me strong are my prayers to Allah SWT and I hold on to the following very strongly:

    Al-Tirmidhi narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Trials will continue to befall the believing man or woman in himself, his child and his wealth until he meets Allah with no sin on him.”

  • anabellah

    December 11, 2014

    ummlana, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Sorry it took so long for me to say hi. I hadn’t forgotten you. I think you were here with us on the older version of the polygamy 411 blog. If I’m mistaken, please forgive me and I welcome you.

    I’m not at all surprised by what you said. It is way sad that these men just can’t be straight forward and honest. It’s pathetic. Such LIARS. It’s disgraceful. It’s not Islam and it’s not polygamy according to Islam.

    At least you found out he was married. Don’t feel badly; you’re not at all the only one it’s happened to. All is not lost. It doesn’t take anything away from you. He just felt he had to lie and deceive to have you as a wife.

    There is an ayah I have to get and put on the blog. Allah, in the Quran, says there will be Muslim to come that have ruined worship. They don’t pray and they follow lusts. It’s not verbatim. Insha Allah, I’ll get the ayah. How sad it is I think the Muslims referred to are living in this day and age.

  • ummlana

    December 11, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone.
    Before I married I didn’t know my husband to be polygamous. It was such a coincidence how I found out. But in a nutshell after I found out he did badmouth his wives all the time. Petty excuses with no justified reason to marry again. And using his children as an excuse saying its only because of them his married to wives. Until one day he told me. ‘ you do know men don’t need a reason to marry again.’. Heck was I baffled. After all the bbadmouthing of the wives he pops out with this. Which clearly shows his badmouthing was just an excuse. There was absolutely no major problem with the wives apart from the envitable ups and downs a marriage has. Bottom line is some men say things you want to hear. But as soon as reality unfolds it smacks you in the face and you wouldn’t know what hit you.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Mira,

    Your husband said he doesn’t want to lose his children, which he thinks will happen if he tells his first wife that he has married you. He’s using his children as an excuse not to come clean (be truthful) with his first wife.

    Well, you are with child. You are now pregnant. Is your child not as important to him? For a person who loves his children as much as he says, one would think he would run his butt home to the first wife, and let her know he has married you and you are with child. Yet, he rather your child be a secret the same as you are and not know the grandparent whom you want your children to know. Think about it.

    It’s one thing not to do anything, but don’t fall asleep on the man. Don’t believe his lies. See the reality of what is happening in your life. Open your eyes to the man whom you love and are dealing with. Stop making excuses for him and stop accepting his excuse. He has no excuse for not doing the right thing. Polygamy is acceptable for Muslims. What he is engaged in is not polygamy in accordance with Islam.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Gail,

    I’m glad you asked Mira why she continues to ask her husband to work things out with his first wife. As you stated, Mira does not know for a fact whether he is having any problems with his first wife, other than what he has told Mira. We know her husband lies, as he currently is lying to his first wife by not letting her know about Mira. As you stated, his marriage to the first wife could be “rock solid.”

    Why should Mira care whether he works things out with his first wife or not? It really is none of her business. Her concern should be her own marriage and working things out with her husband who is hiding her.

    It makes me wonder whether Mira wants to hear her husband say to her that he doesn’t want to work things out with his first wife; he only wants her (Mira), but can’t take a risk of losing his children.

    A husband taking another wife should not be based on him having a “bad” relationship with his first wife. It is sad men think they need to paint the first marriage as a “bad” one in order for him to marry another. It does no good for the first or the second marriage. It gives the wife who marries second a false sense of superiority and it lessens the confidence and self-esteem of the first wife.

    If a man feels he has to badmouth his first wife in order to get a second one, he should just man up and divorce the first wife. Yet, he degrades the first and the second wives. The wife who marries second comes to learn she is not all that – what she thought she was and then she become crushed. She’s all messed up in the head. She gets a reality check the same as the first. They’re husbands are not “all that”.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Gail & Mira

    Gail, your post to Mira was very good. You said men are not allowed to lie, cheat and betray in order to do polygamy. You are sooooo right

    Now Mira’s husband appears sad when he speaks of his wife, and is telling Mira that he’ll lose his children if his wife finds out about Mira. Well, he knew his wife didn’t approve of polygamy when he married Mira. He knew there was a chance he’d lose his kids before he married Mira. Yet he did it anyhow. He wanted what he wanted (Mira) when he wanted it, and didn’t care that he’d have to lie, cheat, and betray his first wife. It’s wrong and Mira shouldn’t fall for the okie doke. When a man realizes the consequences of becoming polygamous and he doesn’t want to upset his marriage with his first wife, he should know to remain monogamous.

    Now, he has an excuse to give Mira indefinitely. He says he doesn’t want to lose his children. His children aren’t going anywhere. Where does it leave Mira? Lies people tell…

  • Shabanah

    December 10, 2014

    Gail, very very well said. Every word. Its the sad truth.

  • anabellah

    December 10, 2014

    Isn’t it convenient that men and women use their children as an excuse not to do something or to get someone to do something?

    Men are good for it – oh I can’t leave or tell my wife about you; if I do, I won’t be able to see my child. It sounds better to a wife who married 2nd rather than – I can’t leave my wife or tell her about you cuz I love her.

  • Gail

    December 10, 2014

    Mira,
    If I could give u any advice at all it would be just concentrate on what is right for u and what I mean by that is don’t sit and meditate on your cowife and contemplate what she will do or won’t do t serves no purpose and will just steal your joy for no reason.This is suppose to be one the most exciting special times in your life do not let this special time get tainted with negativity.Keep positive and focus on what is most important your baby.
    would hate to see your Joy stole from u like a thief over this Polygamy issue.
    Polygamy is going to be part of your life now is seems so just take it slow.
    Hopefully when 1st wife will find out and I am pretty sure she will eventually she will come to accept it.I do think however your husband had no business marrying u if he is so worried about his 1st wife taking the kids and leaving him.It shows he is a selfish person and dd not care your feelings.I hate this in men and that is why I don’t have sympathy for them because the way I feel about it is this.Fine they are allowed Polygamy but they ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIE,CHEAT,BETRAY etc… to do Polygamy.
    You just live by your belief system and if u feel ok not to tell his family then ok but if it becomes a burden on u then I would tell him straight it is time to pony up big boy.
    Marriage is a two way street and it is not good he considers himself religious and lies and cheats thats how see it.Everyone sees things different so thats why I say go with what u think because u r the one that has to live with your choices.
    really think u r going to be perfectly fine. would not encourage him to do anything else with the 1st wife simply because u don’t know if he lying or not.Their marriage may very well be rock solid and he is just telling u all this to keep u from running to his family and blurting out misdeeds is how I see it.
    Until he starts facing up and eliminating these lies from yours and his marriage I wouldn’t believe a word he said to be frank but again that s just me.

  • Shabanah

    December 10, 2014

    Mira,

    It’s difficult but you can do it. Allah SWT does not place a burden on you that you cannot bare. You’ll come through stronger than ever before. Never feel alone. You will always have all of us.

  • Mira

    December 9, 2014

    Gail & Annabellah

    I took time to speak to him yesterday. I do know for a fact from the outcome of the conversation, we are in a good space now. Answering your question Gail about if I have accepted my fate as a 2nd wife, to be honest…I am still trying to deal with it. It has not sunk in totally but I am trying to accept my situation.

    Gail…you also mentioned that I kept on asking him to work things out with his 1st wife. Reason I asked him to do it is because he seem to be sad each time he speaks about his 1st wife. He is still living with his 1st wife as he is afraid that he will lose his 2 children should she finds out about me.

    I have been reading about the other ladies here and I hope to learn from you ladies here on how you cope with being a co-wife….I simply have too much to learn…

  • Shabanah

    December 9, 2014

    Thank you ana. Its nice having positive energized people to chat with. Its so many factors in my life. I feel so lonely in many ways but not as much after meeting you guys.

  • Cowives Club

    December 9, 2014

    Asalamu alikum

    The ladies have said it all May Allah Bless you all and Shabanah and Mira …May Allah bless your marriages and help you to full fill your rights on him and your husbands

  • anabellah

    December 9, 2014

    Shabanah,

    You don’t need a reason to chat here. You’re part of our blog family, so just chime in when the mood strikes,Insha Allah. 🙂

  • Shabanah

    December 9, 2014

    Thinking of you ladies and hoping to keep in touch with or without problems.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2014

    Mira,

    What Gail said to you is VERY IMPORTANT. DON’T HIDE the fact that your husband is the father of your child. Don’t present yourself as a single parent, having a child out of wedlock while YOU ARE MARRIED. Don’t (with intent) have people wondering who the father of your child is. You’re in a respectable position as a wife. Don’t lower your status by leading people to think you are less than what you are. Although having a child out of wedlock is acceptable in the society in which we live today, it’s not acceptable once a person has become Muslim. We shouldn’t care what other people do, but we do care about what we do.

    I agree with Gail 100% that if the opportunity present itself, for instance, if you ever come into the presence of his wife or his parents while you’re pregnant or after you have the baby and the baby is with you, DON’T HIDE the fact of who the father of your child is. If the opportunity to come clean with the truth is in your face, use the opportunity to do the right thing. His other wife is entitled to know her husband has married another woman (you) behind her back, and has been lying for years. Do the right thing!

    Insha Allah, stay with us. We’ll continue to input, if we have anything else to add or you have anything else.

  • Gail

    December 8, 2014

    Mira,
    Whatever u decide just know u r going to be fine.U have a beautiful baby coming and that really should be your main focus right now.Don’t let anyone steal your joy ok.
    All options we told u r perfectly good solid options.I totally do believe like Ana said.Sometimes doing nothing really is doing something.I think if I were u I would sit on telling anyone for awhile simply because u don’t seem really ready to do that.At some point u may feel inspired to step up or they will find out themselves.DO not do anything to hide yourself though or your baby.What I am saying is when woman have babies the hospitals announce the births in the paper.Make sure on your end u keep announcing your self as your husbands wife and don’t let hubby talk u into not announcing the babies birth that would be bad in my view.
    Everyone is different and their brains work different.If I were u I would flat tell my husband enough is enough either u tell them or I will.I am very strong willed and I have this strong moral compass that can not handle lies.I feel the truth is so much more important than people give credit and I see it different about your cowife I would think it my duty to inform her because I would want to be informed if it were me but again that is just me.
    Again everyone is different and I really do like Ana’s advice.It is sound advice and at anytime in the future u feel a strong need to push forward u can.
    One thing for sure don’t burden yourself with this.As long as u accept Polygamy and u do not have a hang up in sharing your husband with first wife then u r fine.
    I am curious have u accepted Polygamy because u keep saying to send him back to work on his first marriage and I didn’t understand that because it looks like to me his first marriage is perfectly fine.After all he is living there with her.

  • Gail

    December 8, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I read your post and Dying to know what u are planning for dear old hubby.lol
    I have a feeling u are going to give your hubby a heart attack.I can totally visualize u now setting up a stripper pole and twirling around it and looking at hubby like HEYYYY…. OMG I am busting out laughing so hard.Whatever u decide to do it will be so great something different and unique is always fun.I think everyone should spice up their sex life when they can.My husband always says Happy wife Happy life.hahahahhaahhah

  • Shabanah

    December 8, 2014

    Ana, I’ll try my best not to lol. I would like to thank you all for your genuine sound advice, your love abd immense support. I love everyone for not being so serious knowing when to throw some humor in the mix. :))))

  • mira

    December 8, 2014

    Annabella & Gail

    Thank you for putting forth your kind words and deep thoughts….it really made me think alot….especially about the trust issue. I have never tried to see it the way how Annabella put forward…. To trust Allah SWT…. And not go searching for trust from my spouse. Allah SWT won’t hurt me….humans do. I can trust Allah SWT but not humans. This really made me see things differently. As for being kept as a secret wife….i do believe sooner or later I will be known by his 1st wife and parents….i’ll leave it to Allah SWT to reveal it to them. All I ask for is a peace of mind and heart in this life…and to be strong like most of you here.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2014

    Shabanah,

    You’re so funny LOL Insha Allah, all will go well. You may surprise the heck out of him. He’ may be like – where’s my wife? What happened to my wife? Don’t give him a heart attack.

  • anabellah

    December 8, 2014

    mira,

    I’m going to input my 2cents again. I think all who have advised you have advised you well. The thing is though, I think you have answered your own question. What should you do? Tell them or not, as it appears, he’s not about to tell them? He has consistently lied to you, and it’s apparent, it’s what he does. He lies to his wife as well. How do we know this? Because he hasn’t advised her about you and omission is a form of lie.

    You answered the question in that you said,”I could not use my own judgement and decide to stay or leave as I love him too much and believe he can change. I prayed istihara and I am where I am today.”

    When something is meant to be, it is usually easy. It’s not easy for you right now to take action in this situation. You have your doubts. It means to me, it’s not time for the truth to be revealed. Do as Allah says – be patient, persevere and pray. When Allah wants them to know He will let it happen and it will be easy. You may not have to do a thing. As Gail said, Allah may reveal it to them the same as He revealed it to you. Then you won’t have any reason for guilt. It can’t be said that you destroyed their marriage. He won’t be able to hate you for spilling the beans (telling on him). Your hands are clean.

    Who knows when the truth will come to light for them? It’s where patience and perseverance come in. What you have to practice is patience with beautiful contentment. It’s what Allah tells us in the Quran to have. So, if you’re going to wait it out, you have to learn to do so without complaint.

    About him changing, He has to get himself right with Allah and change what is in his heart, so Allah will change his condition. We clearly know he’s got a lying problem. Allah says he won’t change our condition until we change what is in our hearts. (I won’t go into it now).

    You asked how you could trust him. Why would you want to trust him? We aren’t supposed to trust anyone, but Allah. Allah says, those who trust, put their trust in Him (Allah). People think just because a spouse is a spouse, there should be trust. It’s not what Allah says. Anyone who put their trust in someone other than Allah gets what they deserve, as they didn’t listen to Allah.

    About your child not knowing his or her grandparent – so what? If it’s meant for the child to know them one day, it will happen. The child has it’s whole life to know it’s grandparents. Some people don’t even know their parents. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was an orphan. I don’t know who he knew other than his uncle.

    You’re married. You’re having your husband’s child. Your child will be halal (lawful) the same as your marriage is lawful. Your husband sees you daily for five or six hour and an overnight once a month. It’s more than some women in polygamous marriage get. We have to be grateful for what Allah has given us. He says when we are grateful, He gives us more. Should your marriage be publicized, yes. We don’t know why things are the way they are sometimes. Life isn’t what we always expect it to be. Allah knows and we know not.

  • Shabanah

    December 8, 2014

    Thank you ladies. I will definitely keep you posted with my endeavor 😉 cant wait to get mines. HAHAHA

  • Gail

    December 8, 2014

    Mira,
    I really think u have to go with the fact that what Allah/G.D wants revealed no man can conceal.
    U did not go snooping about it was revealed to u the same as it is for other woman who have been lied to concerning Polygamy.
    Listen as far as your cowife u can’t feel responsible for how she will feel or won’t feel.U don’t know that how Allah/G.D revealed to u he may very well do the same with her some day even if u didn’t step forward understand.I do however seem to think that because u found out the way u do and seeing your husband lie to u and the way u r feeling about all this it does seem logical to assume that u are being lead to step up and revel yourself to your husbands family.
    Mira what would happen if your husband dies and because u did not want to tell your cowife or his parents how do u think they would react if u stepped forward that time.What a nightmare that would be.
    Miram I have to agree with Ummof4 in your situation u should not keep living as a hidden wife it is just acceptable behavior.
    Think if it like this whatever u and your husband has both done to make your marriage possible it is time to make things right.
    It is great u have met your inlaws already so it could be easier for u to approach them.I think it is time to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him u need him to be strong now and do the right thing and see what he says.
    Tell him everything u told us about u feel horrible that your child will not know his grandparents and siblings.Your child has rights and your cowife may or may not get over it I don’t know but one thing for sure is she is a good person by heart she will accept it.ALTHOUGH something tells me as much as he has hidden u that it stands to reason chances r she won’t.I just wanted to make that clear but u never know Allah/G.D can work miracles.The main thing is u do the right thing and let the chips fall where they may is my advice.I personally would never live as a secret wife because I would take it as my husband does not love me enough to honor and acknowledge me as his wife.It is just wrong on so many levels.

  • mira

    December 8, 2014

    @annabella, @coco, @Gail, @umm4, @ashes

    Thank u for taking the time to read my posts and providing advices. It teared me up to see such supportive advises. Thank u once again sisters

  • Mira

    December 8, 2014

    Salam All

    Subhanallah. I am thankful to see all the replies and support here. My posts last night was outright angry and spiteful. It brought out all those feelings I have been experiencing…where I could not share it with anyone except during my prayers to Allah SWT.

    I do not know how do some sisters here are able to go through their daily lives being the 2nd, 3rd etc wives…whatmore under the same roof…subhanallah…that is one strong woman.

    Is it wrong if I ask him to leave me (not divorce) and try to make his 1st marriage work? Even though I do not know his 1st wife, but I try to put myself in her shoes if she ever finds out about me. It’ll be devastating and she will go through what I did.

    I have met his parents a number of times but I am only known as his business partner.

    How I found out he was married:
    We run a business together before marriage. One day our business had trouble and was slapped with a 2 Million dollar legal suit and on that one fine day we were served a thick bundle of document. I flipped through and it contains personal information of him and myself that was submitted to court to assess our assets.

    I came across a document of a property under his name and another woman. Also in the affidavit (document) it indicated that he was married with 2 kids. I asked him what is all this about, he shoved it off saying that its just something that was fabricated by his previous superior at the ISD (for the US would be the CIA) as he used to work for them and they can fabricate things like this upon his request etc. Guess what? I bought the story. That was how much I trusted him.

    Then 1 month later, I came across an email he “accidentally” cced me to our lawyer as our lawyer requested for us to indicate monthly household income and expenditure and people living in the household. To my surprise the same name came up, whatmore information was given in super great detail….the identification number…occupation etc of his wife, kids and parents-in-law that stays in the same house as he does.

    I couldn’t believe that it could be so detail and I went to the Registry of Muslim Marriages website and requested for information on him. Low and behold, it states him as married to this woman in 2005.

    Above was just a small amount of lies that was done to me. Following me finding out and confronting him (without any anger, just tears) he continued to lie. I do not know if he still lies to me now despite his claims that he doesn’t.

    How do I trust him?

    I could not use my own judgement and decide to stay or leave as I love him too much and believe he can change. I prayed istihara and I am where I am today. I hope the sisters here can share some of your experiences so that I can try to stay strong for the sake of my unborn child.

    He wanted this child so much with me. But will he do justice to us? His child will never know his/her grandparents. My husband is a gentle person, he doesn’t raise his voice nor beat me. But I am scared that if I were to tell his parents, I will destroy his 1st marriage and I don’t want that for him. I don’t want his 1st wife to be hurt like how I got hurt.

    I don’t know…I am just too concerned with how everyone else will feel till I do not know if I am doing myself right.

    Thank you sisters for all the support and advises…this is really one platform I find comfort in…

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I am so happy u r feeling better and u must let us know how your plan works!!
    I am happy to here u r starting school in Jan.that is exciting as well I think u are going to be just fine.Lets see how hubby responds.GO Get um Girl!!hahah

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah,

    You sound so upbeat and happy in your last post. The way to go, girl! Insha Allah, everything will get much better for you soon. Keep putting your faith and trust in Allah.

    I could get with your husband saying it all about team work, and not nights, if you were getting it on a regular. But you’re not, and you’re way young. You have basic needs that he’s obligated to fulfill. Now, if he had some malfunctioning issues, it’s a different story. It doesn’t sound it’s the case though. He should know that when he married a way young girl, he’s got to expect to get busy frequently. Ya know what I’m saying… You don’t need to suppress your needs. You’re MARRIED

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Gail I never answered your answer about hiring a nanny. I actual have a day time maid often times I do try to have her watch my one year old so I can get my groove on but in my 7 years of marriage I’ve maybe initiated sexual relations once or twice it always came from him. But im going to make more of an effort put on some lingerie etc as you suggested. I love your ideas, made me laugh. So about his second wife, my husband records discourses about Holy Quran on camera and she records them and he writes books and she types them. Everyone has their area of expertise and thats hers so my husband always stresses we are a team its not about having nights but having nights is the law of Allah the sunna of our Holy last Messenger saws no one can change that but he does. It hurts so much. I really need to get my freak on im 23 I need at least every other day or 3 times a week but I’d be lucky to get twice a month. Ana I’ve begged and pleaded basically made a fool out of myself seeming incredibly desperate for assigned nights but it was made to seem like im jealous of his second wife I mean can u blame me. I accepted she has needs as well but I would be happy if both of ours were met. Im going to try something today I cant hold back any longer and ana gail coco you allhave inspired me to do something about my situation NOW. Also im planning on attending a university in January InshaAllah I’ve been thinking about it for years now I guess I needed that final push and all of you gave it to me. I wish I found this beautiful blog years ago but better late than never. Gail im so happy you are in a much better place now life really served it to u in the beginning.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    Keep in mind, doing nothing is doing something…

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    mira,

    I know you’re hurt and extremely angry with your husband. You’ve voiced your thoughts and feelings to him repeatedly. I like the saying from the movie, “The Samaritan” – “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on being what you’ve always been.

    You have to look at your relationship with Allah swt. Are you doing all that He requires of us. We have to do our part in order to have the contentment and peace in our lives that we want to have. Many Muslims think they could just get by on saying they are Muslim, asking Allah for something and they are good to go. It doesn’t work that way.

    You said you made istigarhah. I think you implied you got the answer to marry him as a secret wife for a while??? But now you’re fed up and tired of it? Oh, Okay. Whatever you say. So, now what? You could sit there, blame him and call him all kinds of derogatory names you could think of, but it resolves nothing. Do you intend to do nothing or do something?

    @Gail,

    I like your pig analogy.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everybody,

    mira and ummof4,

    I moved your comments (about mira) from the other thread to this one, so all the relative comments are together.

    mira,

    There is not a whole lot more I could add to what everyone else have already said to you. The ladies have all given you some very good advice.

    My thoughts are that it does not appear your husband will take it upon himself to tell his other wife and family about you and your child. He’s adamant about them not knowing. We know we can’t too much force husbands to do anything. If you want things to change, you could do a number of things or do nothing and see if things change without you doing anything.

    You could tell his other wife about you and your child. If you do so, you need to be ready for repercussions.

    Only you know your husband’s temperament. Would he get angry and assault you?

    You should be prepared for him to possibly leave you permanently, if you tell her.

    You should be ready for his wife to possibly throw him out and he come live with you permanently or until she takes him back.

    He may possibly continue the routine that he has been following with you and her. You would have to determine if you will accept the schedule as is or leave him, if he’s not willing to change it. It’s a schedule you’ve accepted for the last year or more of your marriage. If he doesn’t want to give you more time and you’re not willing to accept it then he could leave you or you could leave him.

    A more serious possibility is you could threaten to tell his wife and family about you and the baby, and risk him killing you. I know it sounds far fetched, but I know of a real life case that happened in a neighboring town where I live in which a young lady was having an affair with a colleague. She threatened to tell his wife, if he didn’t tell her that he loved her and that he was leaving them. The man’s wife and family meant so much to him that he killed the girl and threw her body into a landfill. Who knows who is capable of murder.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Coco,
    Thank u for the nice remarks.I feel very strongly that any of us that have gone through polygamy should step forward and help other sisters that are going through this if not just to say Hey your not crazy and I got your back.Anyone that has been through polygamy needs others that have been through it to or going through it I feel.I know I was mess when I first found this blog but over the years the blog has became my therapy.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    It’s absolutely amazing and wonderful that all of us can come together whether we married our husbands 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th and be altogether as one. It doesn’t matter the order we married in. We are all the same. I am so thankful to Allah that he has brought ladies to this blog who aren’t shamed by the sequence they married in. They are proud to say they married 2nd, 3rd or 4th and they should be PROUD. We all should be happy regardless of a number. We’re all trying to accept Allah’s decision, whatever it is. Allah rewards us for doing good.

  • coco

    December 7, 2014

    Gail
    I LOVE what you wrote about turning your lemons into lemonade that’s the ultimate task and my motto in life also! 🙂 It’s endearing how you feel like it’s your time to give back to the blog and I couldn’t agree more. For whatever pain I’ve endured I really really think this blog assisted me in claiming my sanity. This is a place where one can completely strip oneself, put their guard down and just vent their pain away anonymously. It’s a place where people like you, Ana, Spirited, Marie, Mari2, ummof4, Ina and many more that I’m surely forgetting will listen, analyse your problem and make your problem theirs. I look up to you beautiful compassionate ladies, I get inspired by you all everyday and try to follow suit to give back to the best in my ability. Bless you and the others here 🙂 xo

  • coco

    December 7, 2014

    Mira
    Omg my heart goes out for you I was tearing up reading your posts as I can empathise to a certain extent of what your going through. I’m sure you think of why was someone brought into your life that you came to love dearly but only to later discover that your not losing him but you can’t exactly have him completely only a half part of him. That realisation sorta bursts one’s perfect bubble. I know how it feels to be so entwined emotionally with someone that you just can’t gather up the strength to leave them and it’s not ever something you see yourself doing the most you’d want is a time out but breaking away is never an option that crosses your mind. Mira you just need to for the sake of yourself and your baby be announced as your husbands wife, your baby isn’t illegitimate but a halal child within wedlock so why give the the world the impression otherwise? The part that really teared me up is that your soon to come baby inshAllah is never going to know his grandparents and that’s just so tragic. In my case regardless of his parents and wife getting to know of me, the children that I will share with him most probably won’t get to know his side of the family at least not for a couple of years or ever. You were with your husband for 4 years prior to marrying him and I don’t blame you for not walking away heck I couldn’t after almost 3 years lol I also commend you for doing an istakharah it’s a brave step and also a frightening step as you need to follow through the signs Allah guides you with whether if it’s even against what you want. You are strong Mira and you will get through this trust me don’t underestimate yourself. Overall everyone’s summed up some strong points for you to think about and form a direction you want to head in. Just hang in there… I will leave you with this… Much love xo

    “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
    Rumi

  • coco

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah
    Hey there! First off welcome to the blog 🙂 Just a brief introduction of myself I’m coco not in a polygamous marriage as of yet but will embark to join in as a second wife inshAllah. I think everyone especially Gail gave you some sound advice especially the whole bit about getting your freak on hahaha So there isn’t much for me to input but I will say this I think it’s more of a challenge to level with your husband because of the age difference as you’re quite young. When spouses have a wide age gap the older one of the two usually attains the authority in the marriage and dominates. Not having anyone to talk to or vent to can make anyone go cray cray so I think half of your distress will melt away inshAllah as now you have a handful of friends here to vent with and empathise with as much as you need to. That’s the beauty of this blog we are mostly lost when it comes to our own crazy scenarios lol but it’s much easier to assess another’s situation with clarity as were are detached so no emotions, pain or anger is connected to daze us. You’ve found the right place that will bring you solace I promise you! 🙂 xo

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Ana,
    Yeah u remember when I first joined the blog.I was so bitter and felt jilted at that time in my life.I am telling u the truth I never dreamed in a million years my excowife would not accept polygamy.I am shocked by it to be frank.I consider myself a pretty decent person by heart and love helping others and I think if she had to have a cowife I am a great cowife to have not tooting my own horn here but that is the way I feel.I am not perfect but of course but after all lets face it I am raising her kids then I did not have to.
    Alot of the new girls on the blog don’t know how mentally dishearted I was for years and how i turned my lemons into lemonaid with my Polygamous life.I love the blog because I feel like I am paying it forward when I reach out to other woman and say hey it really isn’t the end of the world.You just have to reach inside yourself to make the changes needed to be happy and successful.
    Yes there is always Viagra….. Go Viagra …. Go Viagra show me what your working with ….. hahahahah

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    There is always “Viagra” . But, he seems to be getting it on with the second.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    Gail,

    I liked re-reading your story. Girl, you have certainly come a looooong ways. I know the devastation you must have felt knowing you’d been lied to for eight years, learning he was still married to her while married to you and she birth another child while you were married. Anyhow, you and your husband have a very good relationship now. There is no need to hold what happened against him. You two didn’t divorce. Whether he married you for immigration status or not, no longer matters. How nice it is that you could put that thought behind you. Although you are receptive to a polygamous marriage, he no way, no how wants it. He sounds very serious about it being just you and him. God is Great! 🙂

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Ana,
    Yeah that is why I like the picnic in the bed as foreplay and Lingerie as getting the point across also massages work as well.
    My husband is 42 and I am 43 we don’t have any issues but since Shabanah husband is older and if she finds him having a hard time in the bedroom I would flat get my hands on some toys and hand them to him and slap him on the butt and tell him to get to work.hahahah Where there is a will there is a way is my Motto!!! lol

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Mira,
    I went back and reread your post.I read u didn’t know he was married so this is not your fault.U did nothing wrong this is all your husband doing.My husband did the same exact thing to me.I started figuring out in 3rd year of marriage something was not right but it took until 8 yrs into the marriage before I figured out the the man was DEMON.
    Don’t u just feel like getting a pipe or a board and just beating the Hell on him.hahaha Have u ever seen that movie a Thousand ways to Die? My favorite is the woman cleaning this guys house and she dumps turpentine or something in the toilet and leaves after she is finished but forget to flush the toilet.The idiot man comes home and goes to crap on the toilet and lights a smoke and tosses the smoke in the toilet as he is crapping and BOOOOM right through the roof with his nasty butt.hahahahah
    Obviously I am just joking around we r sane people living in an insane environment but I know when I was going through my mess I could have easily had a sitcom on a 1,000 ways to chop my husband.hahahah
    I went to see a councilor because I was so freaking tired of my life.
    SHe said I have to ask u some question to see if u r depressed.
    I answered no to all of them then she asked me Do u feel like killing yourself I said NO of course not but I do feel like killing my husband.She looked up and said Yeah that question should be on here and we both died laughing so hard.
    Obviously I love my husband but man that boy can be dumb as a ROCK sometimes.
    Needless to say I was not depressed and it helped getting my feelings out.
    Talking about that sitcom a 1,000 ways to die what a weird show gives me the creeps!ughhhh

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    Gail,

    I like very much all the advice you have given Shabanah. I think it’s an EXCELLENT idea that she gets a college education, if it’s something she’s interested in doing. It would keep her occupied with other than caring for her child and worrying about what her husband is doing with the second. It’s something she could do online, as well. So, she wouldn’t have to leave her home while caring for her children. It’s something she should really look into. I definitely agree with you about the value of education. I’m all for it for everyone.

    You got me thinking about her and her situation more. I know she must have let him know that she thinks what he is doing is unjust and unfair. Sometime those words have been used so often when it comes to polygamous marriages that the words become meaningless.

    My question to her is whether she has explained to her husband her feelings and needs? Was she direct with him? Did she tell him, look I’ve got sexual desires. I need to have sexual relations. You are my husband. We both have rights over each other. You’re not fulfilling my needs. I need more. I don’t know how he’d respond to it, as he’s old school and may see himself as pops (dad) to her. He may get turn off by that talk. Who the heck knows. She’d know better than you and me.

    I think the fun things that you said she should do are very good ideas. The thing is, I don’t know how old exactly her husband is. I’ve read quite a few books about relationships and I’ve read that men over 40 need to get their heads right for sex so they can rise to the occasion. Some don’t do well when it’s sprung upon them as a surprise. I’m not a man, nor am I a sex expert; I’m just repeating what I read.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Mira,
    I REMEMBER U from your other post.
    Mira please listen to me.If this is that important to u that u come out of the closet as a hidden wife then girl u make it happen understand at all cost.
    Lets face it men can be selfish pigs and like a pig he will keep eating until u take the food away.Lock your door change the locks do whatever it is u have to do to get your point across.
    Lets talk Finances are u dependent on this man for your finances?If u are I suggest u hold off on doing anything until the child is born and u can get a job since u r so far along in your pregnancy.
    Mira sitting there crying will serve u no purpose girl.I do feel for u but crying is not an action and u need ACTION understand?
    I went through the same crap with my husband I know what I am talking about.Yeah it was with a different twist but same crazy crap except in my case everyone new about 1st wife but me I was the one being played and in some ways thats whats going on with u but with a different twist.
    If u do support yourself then go ahead and contact his parents.I would contact his parents if it were me and let them know the truth and let him deny u to them.
    His first wife is going to blow sky high when u tell her and she will not accept crap at first chances are but his parents they r good sound place to start sine u r having their grandchild and might can be of some help in this situation or not but that will be a chance u must take I think since u r sick of this situation.
    I don’t know why u ever agreed to this type of situation in the first place to be frank so I think u must shoulder some of the blame here but nevertheless u r sick of it and if u have told him already and u know for a fact he is not going to do anything then it means only one thing.Your husband is a coward to tell his wife and family about u.So now u must either make him strong to tell or u must do it yourself or accept this insane situation or divorce.These r your options as I see them.Hope this helps

  • ummof4

    December 7, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mira, welcome to the blog.

    Mira, you say that you don’t like the fact that your husband gets away with lying and being unfair to you. He can do it because you let him. You were with him in a relationship for 4 years, found out he was married with children, then stayed with him and married him. You probably did this because you were in love with him and did not want to lose him. It sounds as if you are still in love with him and don’t want to lose him.

    Mira, you say you are Muslim, Alhamdulillah. Why are you letting yourself be kept a secret? Did you know that all marriages in Islam have to be made public? If you do not make your marriage public then you will be seen as a Muslim woman who committed fornication. Your child that you are due to have in a few weeks will be looked at as a bastard(a child whose parents are not married). Is this what you want for you and your child? I hope not.

    The first thing I would advise you to do is tell your husband’s family that you two are married. Do not rely on your husband to tell them. If he has not told them in 18 months, he probably never will tell them. It sounds as if you are afraid of him, but remember to only fear Allah. You and your child deserve to be acknowledged as legitimate.

    If you fear that your life or health may be in danger, then wait until after the baby is born and tell them. If you fear that your husband will divorce you if you make your marriage public, then both of you will be disobeying Allah by keeping a marriage private and a secret.

    Mira, I pray that Allah blesses you with a healthy baby and a public marriage.

    Everyone have a nice day worshipping Allah as He should be worshipped.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Ana,
    I really liked what u had to write to Shabanah.I totally agree with u.I wonder though if she should not go to college and prepare herself for when that day comes her husband does pass.Education helps so much to open the mind and feel good about life and yourself.I think a little education and starting to make a life for herself outside of her husbands life could be a really great thing for her mental stability espppp since she is American like us.What do u think.
    Gosh If I was Shabanah I would feel squished to death to be frank.

    Shabanah,
    I will be frank girl if u r dying for sex I would be demanding not asking for my rights.Your husband is your only sexual outlet and u must tell him that and get your point across.U being introverted with your sex life serves u no purpose.Go purchase some naughty sexy Lingerie and make a small picnic basket and go to his room right after u feed your baby and ask beforehand the first wife u need her help just once night every once in awhile.
    Shabanah it would be so much fun for u and your husband.DON’T think just do it is my advice.Think how much fun it would be and every once in awhile start to plan these fun naughty little escapes for u and your husband.I Promise if u will do that u will be so much happier and your mind will always be thinking and in anticipation of the next time.My husband and I have picnics on our bed everynight and it is sooo much fun.
    U know your husbands favorite foods and snacks just let your mind go and have so much fun with it.Thats my advice.
    When u want something like sex and your husband makes excuses DON”T LISTEN TO HIM u do your thang girl to get what is yours.We all have sexual needs and I am a huge advocate in getting my sexual needs met.Thanks G.D my husband is sexually active but there has been a few times he has not shown interest and I flat told him we can do this the easy way or the hard way but I am getting mine.lol hope this helps. your husband will be happy u did believe me!!

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah,
    I agree it does seem we do have some things in common both of r husbands r Syed and we r both from USA.I live in Missouri.
    My story is I was married at 16 to my first husband.My mother basically forced me to marry him.My first husband and I went to school together and I was friends with his sister first he was your average American boy.I was in love with another boy from the time I was 13 but my parents didn’t approve of that boy.I grew up upper middle class u can say and the boy I loved was poor so my parents was not going to have it.My husband the one my mom basically forced/strongly pushed me into marrying his father was a Millionaire and she really liked the boy and the boy was crazy about me so the marriage happened.For the next 15 years I lived a life of complete and utter misery.I was like u I was not abused in fact I lived in a beautiful brand new home that he bought for me and I had brand new cars he took me to all the best restaurants,trips u name it but none of it helped I was miserable.
    I was also like u in the fact that I could not conceive.I finally went to the doctor 7 years into the marriage and i found out I had PCOS and both of my ovaries were had huge cyst on then.So I had surgery and the doc.put be on clomid took 3 months but I conceived my oldest son.I was happy for awhile after birthing my son but the underlining cause of my happiness was never far away.I thought like u divorce is not an option and my husband treated me like a queen and and our son like a prince.From the outside looking in everyone thought we were the perfect couple.Strangely I remember back now as I write u that every holiday when we would go to the families homes when we pulled up in the driveways I would always say to my husband and son Put on your Happy faces.How sad that is for me to remember such detail.My husband thought it very strange I should always say such a thing because in his eyes he thought he had the perfect life.
    It is so strange how in a marriage one person can be happy and very content in the marriage while the other suffers in silence.
    I divorced my first husband 15 yrs into our marriage and I can not express how much happiness that divorce decree brought me to be frank.The reason I stayed married so long was simply because I was religious and thought I would go to hell being raised Christian but eventually I could not bare it as my life was already a hell for me so I did the unthinkable and divorced.
    I moved on with my life reached out to my first love to contact by phoning his mother and she told me she would give him the msg I called and give him my number.She also told me he has never married.I was so excited and in hopes he would call me back but unfortunately he never did and it would be 10 yrs later before I found out the reason why he never called.
    After feeling so much pain that he did not call me thinking he moved on with his life and he didn’t want to contact me I moved on this all took place after 911
    Sept 2001.That time really changed my life I bought a computer started chatting and ended up meeting my husband on the a chat site.We became friends and chatted daily for nearly a year.MY second husband is from Pakistan and i eventually ended up moving to Pakistan and marrying him.As strange as that sounds It was exactly what I needed.It was a completely different life than my American life and American exhusband.I fell in love with my life and My Syed Shia Husband the first years of our marriage was nothing short of heavenly.
    3 years into the marriage I find out that my husbands exwife was pregnant when we met and gave birth to the child 2 months after hubby and I were married.I started figuring out my husband was a liar and a fraud.My world came crashing down and I knew something was not right about about his 1st wife and himself and their divorce.I worked OBGYN/Women’s Health at the time and I could not get him to confess about the child.I knew the birthdate of the child and the conception date but he just kept saying it was not his The bastard.I get angry just thinking about it to this day.After I figured out I was not going to get the truth from him I got on a plane and fly to Pakistan and confronted his so called exwife.For a few months she denied it.Finally I gave her one last chance and a warning with my words that i believe in G.D and if she tells me the truth about the child I will not hold against her but if she lies to me and then changes her words later may G.D have mercy on her because I will never forgive her I am only human and I was accepting whatever words come from her mouth at that moment.I was sick of it and I wanted the truth.SHe proceeded to tell me my husbands child was his.I was shocked and not expecting it took few minutes to sink in.She eventually got scared at what she had done and insisted on going to the village instantly and I agreed.I should mention she was living with me and I did not know my husband had divorced her in a Pakistani court so he could in return marry me for immigration but did not give her oral Talak and was keeping her as his wife.I did not get the entire truth until 8 yrs into the marriage.When the truth did come out I was mentally and physically sick.I was left either accepting Polygamy or another Divorce.I chose Polygamy.Long story short my excowife never accepted polygamy she did everything from poisoning me to her and her parents screaming in the streets for him to divorce me.She is his 1st cousin and this was a family marriage.I have one biological son with my husband and she has son and a daughter with him as well.I have raised the son since 1 year old baby and have adopted him in USA when he was 4.The daughter I have raised since age 6 in USA and have not officially adopted her she is 11.My husband gave first wife oral Talaq 3 years ago and now we r living in USA with all 3 kids.Thats pretty much my story in a nutshell.
    I also found my first love on FB 2 yrs ago but that is another story.

  • anabellah

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I know how hurt you must feel that your husband doesn’t share time fairly with you. I find it strange that you all live in the same house, but with different sections and he’s not fair in time with you. It would be something so easy to do with a convenient set up such as yours. I understand his first wife not wanting her time; it’s an option she has to give away her time. I believe you said the first and second share space in the house, but the second really doesn’t need her space there, as she’s with your husband most of the time.

    It’s sad that he has what is supposed to be a prestigious title and respect, but he doesn’t seem concerned about being fair with you. What makes him so special anyhow. Oh, I think you said he’s way charitable, right? I think little of the wife number 2 in that she goes along with such an arrangement. It’s way selfish and she condones the injustice. What was his need for a third wife, if he had a wife who is apparently his favorite who he wants to spend more time with? He knows you are a very young woman with strong physical needs.

    Shabanah, in your situation, you’ve done all you can do with regard to him. You’ve expressed your concerns to him and you could continue to express your concern to him. You already know you can’t control what he does. Keep remembering that Allah has decreed all that is happening, although your husband will be accountable for any injustice he may be committing. You just continue to be patient, persevere, and pray. Allah has a plan. We don’t know why He does what He does, but we know He has a plan. He knows what is best for us, as well.

    I know this may sound way cold, but your husband may die sooner than later and a whole new world will await you. You would have no need to feel any regret for the time that you didn’t spend with him, as you had nothing to do with it. You made your wishes known to your husband and he didn’t acquiesce. What more could you do? Everything is as it is meant to be. You shouldn’t regret something beyond your control.

  • ashes

    December 7, 2014

    Mira,

    what a difficult situation. I can’t believe your husband did that to you. It’s so hard when you find out only AFTER you’re already married and have the ultimate attachment -a baby on the way. I agree with Shabanah, people only have the power to do what you allow.

    My advice is to talk to him very calmly and level headed. Let him know you expect to have equal nights and give him a deadline to let his wife know he’ll be splitting nights by. Don’t let him extend this deadline -stick to it. His family and first wife may never accept you, but what you do have a right to is equal time with him. If you choose to stay with him and he hasn’t met the deadline, then you can really only be upset with yourself for staying any longer.

    Do you have family you can stay with if you do choose to leave? Do you have the means to be able to work after the baby is born? Are you fully dependent financially on your husband? I find sometimes women feel “stuck” due to financial reasons. I’m really hoping your husband does the right thing. If he doesn’t, just remember there’s always a way out. Sending hugs for you to feel better. 🙂

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Mira, your situation is devastating. How can your husband be so selfish to you especially during a very delicate time (you being pregnant). What are you going to do about it? People only have the power to do to you what you allow. Bring the thunder. Lots of support from my side. Pls don’t cry

  • mira

    December 7, 2014

    I have posted in a previous post but I think here is more appropriate. I am just so upset today. Just full on rage and jealousy of what he had done to me. He lied for 4 years we’ve been together that he is single but infact he is married with 2 kids. Yet I am here made a decision based on my istihara prayers as a 2nd wife. I can’t do this anymore. I hate that he gets away with lies and his 1st wife n family knows nothing about me. How is this fair? I begged him to leave me and just concentrate with his 1st wife and family but he refuses. He sees me everyday from 4pm – 9pm sometimes 10pm. Sleeps at my place once a month. I don’t want him around me anymore cos I feel so angry that he can get away with his lies. Am I wrong to feel this way? I love and care for him but hate it that he still lies on a daily basis to his 1st wife (I try to put myself in her shoes!) and get away with it. I don’t want a divorce but I want him away from sight and mind. I get so depressed each time I think of what he is doing and done to me. Why isn’t he being punished for destroying my life and lying to me? In fact he gets the best of both world! When he clearly don’t deserve it! He hide me away from everyone! His parents don’t even know he is married to me. My unborn child won’t know his/her grandparents (I’m 31 Weeks pregnant)

    Im sorry to sound crazy and angry but I don’t even have anyone to talk to. I’m just sitting here crying my heart out

  • mira

    December 7, 2014

    I’m his 2nd wife and am currently 31 Weeks pregnant. We got married last year in May. His 1st wife and his entire family do not know that he is married to me. What more that I am pregnant now. I have sleepless nights thinking how much longer will he lie to his 1st wife and keep me away from acknowledging my parents in law. He only sleeps 1 night every month at my house and spends the rest of the days with his 1st wife. There have been so many times I told him I cannot do this anymore cos it hurts alot but he refuses to leave me. It has come to a point of me hating him for all the pain he have caused me. Cos before this we had a long term relationship for 4 years and he claim he was single and not married with any kids but I only found out after 4 years that he is married with 2 kids. 6 months from learning the truth I prayed istihara and asked for guidance. I was given an answer that got me to where I am today: 2nd wife

    I don’t think I can do it anymore. I love him but also hate him for lying to me and deceiving me. He said he is still with his 1st wife because of the 2 kids but I know he love her alot but why does he say he needs me then?? I hate that he can get away with his lies. I still can’t forgive him. I can’t trust him. Please help me

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Another thing is I do not have any friends or family outside if my husband’s community. I was born and raised in it its all I know. This blog with all of you lovely beings are my friends

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    His first wife and I do have a better relationship we do things for each other often and talk. She understands me the most. I never tried asking if my older son could stay in her portion while I sleep downstairs. Im sure she wont have a problem but my 1 year old wakes up once or twice throughout the night to nurse so he has to stay with me.

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Gail thank you so much for your genuine kind words. I try speaking to him but its like he already has his mind made up. Or whenever I say anything about nights it seems like im coming off jealous and petty so I dont complain anymore. But he is older and I just feel like im going to wake up one day and I will be a widow and I will regret the fact that I gave up my nights without much of a fight. Also im a very private person but nothing in this house is personal my life has become an open book whatever I discuss with my husband he consults his second wife for her input. I was very very hurt when I was having issues conceiving my second child I went to the doctors many times and they ran so many tests and said I was fine so I assumed it was my husband because he is as old as he is so I thought he had the problem but it turned out my tubes were blocked. I got treated for that and conceived my second child soon after alhumdullilaah but he told his second wife about me having a problem not being able to conceive. I was sooo hurt that was between him and I a husband and wife. I just keep falling down breakimg into a million pieces then standing back up trying to push through. Divorce is not an option I cannot do that to my children my husband
    loves them and treats them like princes and they love him. Im not being physically abused I dont have any life threatening disease alhumdullilaah I just want equal nights, to be happy but I guess happiness is overrated. Gail it seems as if we have a few things in common 🙂 whats your story?

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah,
    One last thing know one is perfect.Don’t feel like u r always in the wrong ok that not good for your mental health.As long as u trying to better your marriage then u r not wrong ok.Everyone has feelings and believe me men and woman see things soooooo different at times.It is very important u understand your self worth.U need to truly understand now that u r not one of your husbands many followers/students whatever he is doing but u r his wife and he is a man like any other and he is prone to make mistakes and u r well within your rights to speak up when u feel something is not right and flat tell him how the cow eats the cabbage so to speak.lol
    Bottom line never let anyone steal your Joy.They did not give u your Joy Allah/G.D did so don’t let anyone steal it ok.Hugs

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Shabanah,
    Girl u sure have a full plate to be so young my heart goes out to you.
    I think u need to sit down and write a list of issues that u want to fix to make your life happier.I wonder does your husband treat u like a child or does he listen to u when u bring issues up? I am trying to figure out exactly what your home situation is like.I don’t know if it helps or not but my husband Is Also Syed he is Syed Shia and I am also from USA.
    Shabanah I am sitting here trying to brainstorm to come up with some solutions to your problem.OK u said taking the kids to his room is a problem.Is it possible that the children could sleep in one of the other cowives room when u go to his room?If one of them would do that for u then u can in return do something for them.I don’t know if u have a very good relationship with the 1st wife but u might talk to her since she don’t really have much to do with him.I think with u being young she would understand u need to get your groove on every now and again as it is completely normal.From what u said about the second wife sleeping in his room all the time seems she has jealousy issues or insecurity issues so I don’t see her really trying to help u to be frank.
    If this is not an option then what about hiring a nanny to come watch the kids.I think if this is bothering u then u must find a solution for it.
    IN your husbands case I assume he just doesn’t want to fight with the second wife and thats why he told u that she sleeps with him most of the time.I am certain it is nothing personal against u at all.
    I wish I could say marriage is easy but lets face it no marriage is a walk in the park.We all have issues and we just have to work through the issues so we don’t get frustrated and throw in the towel.
    One more thing is it possible that u could make at least one friend that is not mixed up with your husband.It seems u need to have a network of friends and a life separate from your husband.U need someone that u can pick up the phone and cry to sometimes that has completely nothing to do with your husband and your life in that world.With u being so young I agree with u that u need to have some good clean honest fun outside your husbands world.
    I really would try to see about a nanny it could solve alot of your problems when u really need a break.
    I hope this helps keep chatting we are here for u.

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    I have held a lot in bc I cant soeak about him that much to my family because they have a high level of respect for him they will never think he is wrong. So in my mind he is perfect no matter what if I have a problem or these feelibg then im the imperfect person I need help so im glad I found a safe place. Sometimes I want to just have girl talk and chat with my friends on whatsapp and skype because im millions if miles away from them but they are all his talibs to tgey will never be on my side. They think and speak highly of him and his wives and family and myself. People do respect me so much more. Im a role model for thousands im expected to be strong and perfect at all times sometimes I think im 23 I should be having fun enjoying life going to college but I have to be content and patient and steadfast. I am where Allah swt wants me. Everyone thinks im blessed they never call me by my first name either out of respect even people who are old enough to be my mother my grandmother. As the saying goes heavy is the test that wears the crown. No one knows what I go through day to day. I would be so happy if I had my own dwelling and had equal nights. At the beginning he was equal in nights and I was fine. Even if I had that and not my own dwelling I would except. I have a very huge family and soneone from my family comes every year and the second wife used to be so mean to them but I always care for her family when they come now she’s nice to then after our husband realized hiw mean she was being and he was upset with her. My biggest test is with her. She has put me through so much.

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. Ana, Im married to very respected Syed Sheihk. Im American. Generations of my family were not muslim but because of him my grandparents are muslim my oarents myself and my brother and my children are all muslim. My grandparents were not educated muslims and they lived in tge projects in very ghetto areas until he came and gave them dawah and removed them from such circumstances onto private properties away from the city and its filth. He did this for thousands of people who are now his talibs. We built nasjids schools etc under his guidance and instructions. So I was raised to never ever say no to him. So one day a trip was going abroad to visit him for a month and I have been wanting to meet him for years so I was chosen to go. A few days at his home he asked to marry me it was very emotional for me especially bc I was proposed to right before my trip but I did not except the proposal I didn’t want to until I returned and also bc he is old enough to be my grandfather. I ended up saying yes bc I knew I would live the rest of my life in a different marriage when the roads got bumpy I would always think in the back of my head I could’ve would’ve should’ve and thats not healthy. I don believe its wrong to marry someone so much older bc Hazrat Aisha RA married our Holy Prophet SAWS when he was very old. I live in a 4 story home im on the 3rd floor my cowives are on the second floor and our husbands bedroom is on the ground floor. The first wife has been married to him for 29 years the second has been married to him for 17 years and I 7 years. My husband has been married multiple times so he has children in their forties and grandchildren that also live with us in their own portions. The first wife does not have any physical relations with him at all they barely speak. I rarely sleep nights with my husband because he always makes excuses as to y his second wife has to sleep there. Sometimes he does call me to sleep there but I make excuses as to y I cant because I he cant spend nights with us equally then I dont want to sleep nights there at all. Thats the first reason. The second reason is because I have younger children a 5 year old and a 1 year old and when I sleep down there my husband watches the news until 12am and it distracts them from sleep my oldest would be exhausted in the mornings when its time for school due to lack of
    sleep. A lot has transpired in these last 7 years I will be back to continue

  • Gail

    December 6, 2014

    Shabanan,
    Welcome to the group.Don’t feel alone pretty much all of us have lived in a Polygamy situation or are planning on it so u r in good company here.Feel free to share your feelings the good bad and the ugly we r here for u.
    I lived on and off for 8 yrs with my now excowife.Although my setup was different than yours in some ways we did live joint family.Again Welcome to the Blog.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2014

    Mari2, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I hear you talking. Wives and husbands have to differentiate between what is Islam and what is culture. Many tend to lean towards culture. Some mix Islam with culture. I’m sure some people in the U.S. do it, as well – mix Islam with culture.

    I’m not sure about all these “rights” people speak of. What are “rights” and what are “expectations”. I don’t know if the “rights” of a woman who is in a polygamous marriage is any different from the “rights” of a wife who is in a monogamous marriage.

    A wife in an Islamic monogamous marriage or an Islamic polygamous marriage expects a dwelling of her own, unless she’s living joint family/extended family the way they do in many cultures. Any wife expects her monies to be her own, unless she lives Pakistani style in Pakistan in which the head-wife is supposed to control the monies or she lives the U.S. way in which some husbands and wives have joint accounts. All wives whether monogamous or polygamous probably expect to be treated justly and kindly by their husbands.

    If any wife, whether in a monogamous or polygamous marriage, has an expectation, I’d expect that she would speak to her husband about getting that expectation met. Sometimes she gets what she expects. Sometimes she doesn’t. We don’t always get what we want in life.

    I think people have place more emphasis on polygamous marriages, as many people are against the type of marriage it is. Many women in monogamous marriages are probably just as unhappy as women in polygamous marriages. They have just as many problems and complaints. Happiness comes from being content with what Allah has decreed for us regardless of what type of marriage we’re in. Allah, in the Quran, tells us how to live our lives. Some things are black and white, some aren’t. Islamic doesn’t have to be rigid. It’s the beauty of it.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2014

    Shabanan,

    Are you kiddin me? You certainly are not alone by any means. You’re going to be alright. At least you know that Allah tests the Believers. Polygamy could very well be a test for you, and many. What’s important is how we do on the test. Do we pass it or fail it?

    I admire you for staying steadfast and strong. The way to go. Sounds you’ve been doing a lot of studying and reading Quran. Good for you! Alhumdulliah.

    Seven years seems a long time to have felt alone,trying to cope with your situation. You no longer have to feel that way. Insha Allah, we will all try to help you out as best we can.

    I left you a comment over on the other post, as well. The link is: https://polygamy411.com/how-to-live-a-polygamous-marriage-pain-free/#comment-1793

  • Mari2

    December 6, 2014

    Honestly, one thing I will say is that I know personally how much I am/can take with regard to polygamy. Yes, I can and have accepted polygamy as put forth in Islam. However, it is important that I too know my own rights as a wife. It’s important that I know what is and is not expected of me with regard to cohabitation with other wives, money, children etc. And I offer no apologies to my husband when I ask for what is allowed for me in Islam. That which I ask does not come from me but from Allah himself. I have the right to live away from any other wife. I have the right to my own money, and at no time can my money be used by him to accommodate another wife. He must provide fairly and justly between his wives. That doesn’t mean we get the exact same living accommodations or food shopping allowance. It means that he supports both/all wives as evenly as possible with no malice or favoritism toward another. Living in polygamy peacefully means that a woman must know/insist upon her Islamic rights. She cannot bend to cultural practices or threats of alienation if she is Islamically in the right. My husband will marry his cousin in March. I have bought a gift. I will accept her as a co-wife. If she comes to this country we will never live in the same home. I will help her assimilate as best I can, but I will not fund her existence here. I will rejoice of any children born to my husband by her but I will not assume any role in raising them or funding their upbringing unless I deem it necessary due to something terrible happening. M knows that I accept his marriage to cousin girl. But he only half believes my terms I think. He likes to tell me things like “I’m the head of the household.” The only problem is I am paying for 2/3 of the cost of the household, including cars, rent, insurance, etc.

  • anabellah

    December 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    Marie,

    Thank you much for welcoming Shabanah to the blog

    Shabanah,

    Alhumdulliah you’re here with us. You already met Marie who is one of our fabulous blog family members. Everyone here is awesome.

    Wow, so you’re one of three cos and you all live in the same house. Please tell me how it came about that you, a very young girl in her twenties, became part of a polygamous family all living together. I know Mormons’ lifestyle is that way, but usually with Muslims each wife has her own dwelling. What reason did you have for agreeing to such a set up?

    You’re welcome to join us over on the December Discussion thread, so you’re not over here posting all alone on this thread, if you’d like. It would be easier for everyone else to join in on the discussion, as well. Just go there and jump in or stay here. It’s up to you. You’re talking about pain, which is part of the thread, so whatever floats your boat…

    Shabanah, I can’t begin to imagine how you handle being in the same house with your husband and the other wives and know when they are in the mix (having sexual relations). That hurts I imagine it may seem like competition to see who will get in a room behind closed doors with him. Do you have a schedule? Only talk to us about what you feel comfortable with. We’re here for you.

  • Marie

    December 6, 2014

    Shabanah, welcome to the blog, I’m happy you’ve found us Marsh’Allah. In glad Anas posts have been a help already. No, your not alone, there’s many woman out there that have similar feelings. It’s part and parcel of the journey of polygamy, but it can and does get better. I like to read the posts more than once for a reminder. There’s some wonderful women here with years and years of experience, they, by the will of Allah have helped me so much. Insha’allah you’ll stay with us. Again I’m glad you’ve found us.

  • Shabanah

    December 6, 2014

    Shukran for this post. I am in my early twenties, I have two co wives and we all live in the same house so its difficult trying not to think of what your husband is doing with his other wives. Sometimes I go downstairs and his bedroom door is closed and locked so I automatically know what that means. Its a red flag. I feel so uneasy and start shaking so I try to distract myself by taking a drive getting fresh air.

  • alison

    December 5, 2014

    hey a much needed post at this time..today i was having one of those days but alhamdulila after this post its all gone.. We need these reality checks once in a while and thank you so much for giving it to us….We sometimes deviate but its good to have posts like these to ground us and tell us hey its okay to feel bad but pick yourself up dust up and move on.

    Jazakallahu kheir my dear. May God bless us all in shaa Allah

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