Husbands Treat Wives Unjustly in Polygamy

husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamySome wives complain that husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy. Each marriage is different. What should a wife do when, in her mind, her polygamous husband isn’t fair and just to her?

What do wives look at when they say husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy? What each wife agrees to with her husband matters. The husband may thing he is just while his wife thinks he is not. They have conflicting thought about the matter. The husband nonetheless, will have the last say about it, as he will do whatever he ends up doing. Whatever he does, Allah decreed it.

Let’s say the husband has a younger wife who has no children. The older wife has children. He seems more inclined towards the younger wife. He spends more time with her. He spends less time with the other wife. The discontented wife voices her concerns to her husband. She seeks outside help, as well, but it doesn’t help. What should she do?

When husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy, the wives become confused about what to do

She has let him know of her frustrations. She has told him how she feels, but he continues to do what he does. What should she do next?

A wife who thinks her husband is not fair and just to her feels so many mixed emotions. When her husband is with her, she feels the marriage could work. When he is not doing what she expects and he is with his other wife, she wants to leave the marriage.

When husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy, the wives may feel they are at their wit’s end

They think they cannot endure the husbands’ conduct any longer. At this point, the wife usually makes her intent to leave or stay in the marriage. I say she makes her intent, as it is Allah who decides.

If her husband does not change and she feels that she cannot leave the marriage, she may stay in the marriage and suffer indefinitely. Maybe it’s a punishment. I say punishment only because Allah tells us that He disposes of the Believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease. He relieves a Believer’s of her suffering. After hardship there is ease. If a good amount of time has passed and she finds there is no ease, she should take a closer look at herself. Is she not doing something right?

When husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy, the wives could seek divorce

The wife could leave the marriage. She could divorce the husband, and pray that Allah gives her another husband. The new marriage would come with challenges, as well. She may have children that aren’t her new husband’s children. How will he treat her? How will he treat her children? Some men don’t take kindly to other men’s children. They want the wife, but not the children. There is the unknown. Most people fear the unknown.

If her husband wasn’t abusive to her and she just wasn’t getting her desires fulfilled, it’s important that she knows that Allah may not give her another husband. She just threw one away. She may never marry again. She may have to raise the children alone. The difference is she now has a husband who is there with her some times. She could end up very happy and content as a single mom, and have no husband, as well. Allah knows best.

The wife could stay in the marriage and deal with it as a test. Maybe she will pass the test. She would pass it by accepting Allah’s decisions. She accepts whatever He decides, if to her liking or not. I’m not speaking of the husbands who abuse their wives or mistreat them. I speak of the average complaint of some wives in polygamous marriages. They complain that the husbands do not conform to their wishes.

 It’s  how the wives view things, if the husbands treat wives unjustly in polygamy

Allah determined the husband and his other wife will do exactly what they do. Allah has His reason(s). The wife could accept Allah’s decision and weathers the storm. She needs to believe in what Allah promises us. She needs to know Allah says a husband will have a favorite wife. She needs to accept that Allah controls the love in the heart of man (mankind). She needs to exercises patience. She needs to perseveres. She needs to pray. She needs to know that Allah has a plan.

Allah say He has made some of us as a trial for others. What does it mean to you? Allah says:

“And the messengers whom We sent before thee were all (husbands) who ate food and walked through the streets: We have made some of you as a trial for others: will ye have patience? for Allah is One Who sees (all things).” Quran: Surah 25, Ayah 20

Allah tried all the prophets mentioned in the Quran. They are our example.

Are wives tried and tested in polygamous marriages? If so, are you passing the test?

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64 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Ayesha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, you are still reading. The other ladies have given you excellent advice and they did it in a kinder, gentler manner than I did. I hope you read and reread their posts and take heed. You’re welcome to come back and talk with us, if you’d like. The door is open 🙂 We know you’ve been through a lot and are going through a lot. We’d like to help you get through it, if you’d like us to – if it pleases Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Sister Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It was very nice of you to share with us how you found the blog and how helpful it has been to you. The blog has helped me, as well. Writing on the blog and communicating daily with the writers here has helped me tremendously. It keeps my focus where it needs to be – on Allah. I remember how lost I was when I first began the blog and didn’t realize it until then. I actually thought I had it going on. Wow, how I got a wake up call. Huh. I’ve come a longs ways since then in so many ways and become a way better person. I thank Allah much for it all.

    I pray Allah rewards us all for being here together, trying to remember Him and help one another. Only Allah is one. We can’t go it alone. 🙂

  • Serena

    March 11, 2017

    Ayesha

    Sister you have been through a lot and hope after all that you become a stronger person and not let any man or woman treat you like that again. Alhumdulillah Allah has taken you out of the situation even if it was nearly 20 years later.

    Ayesha you are pinning all the blame on the first wife and making out you and the the husband were the victims. If you want to blamw anyone then it’s the husband who is to blame for not being a man. He had knowledge about Islam yet he did not know suicide is haram? You say he was highly looked upon in the community yet he could not even sort his own mess.

    He had one failing marriage but decides to marry you knowing full well what his wife is like. He said he would give her few years or would divorce if she didn’t accept. So why didn’t he divorce her then? Didn’t he realise she was making you life hell as well as his? So she was worth staying with despite everything she was doing whereas you well he kept you like like you were not even married to him.

    Ayesha 20 years is a long time. I can understand you clinging on to hope that things will change. Just thank Allah you are out of the situation and I hope you realise no man is worth living in misery for if he can’t be a man and obey Allah.

    I hope Allah gives you much relief. Sister there are good and bad people in all religions. Don’t judge Islam by the actions of your husband or his first wife. Sister look after yourself and never give up on Islam for anyone.

  • Serena

    March 11, 2017

    Salam

    Ana I came across your blog a about 3 years ago while I was searching for something about marriage in Islam. At first I thought what you wrote about Allah writing the script was to me like an excuse for people to do what they want and then say well it’s what Allah decided. Don’t get me wrong I only read a few posts but the mention of Allah and the quran in the posts always got me thinking and I felt at peace.

    That time I only read a few posts and then that was it. Several months later whislt searching about marriage, men and islam your site was in the list of search results. I started reading the posts and from then on became a silent reader.

    Alhumdulillah your blog has helped me. It’s made me realise there is a lot worse happening to woman out there. I realised that to move forward in my life I only needed to get close to Allah and reading quran regularly and to try to make time to understand it. It made me realise how “lost” I was.

    I realised how easy it can be to fall into shirk by loving someone or something the way Allah should be loved. Your blog helped be rely less on humans but on Allah.

    May Allah reward you for all your time and effort and just imagine how many people are benefiting and making dua for you.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Marah S had said similar about the blog. She’s not in a polygamous marriage and never was, yet she has found the blog very helpful. My understanding is that Ummof4 is not in one anymore either and she remains here with us. She continues to input and help. Practically all that we speak of here is applicable to all. I could see how all would remain and read or write regardless of her marital status, as what we speak of only improves all aspects of our lives. We should be with like minded people who want to obey and serve Allah, striving for Jannah! It’s what we try to do. Alhumdulliah! 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    March 11, 2017

    Aslm,
    I share MS’s view. I too learned a great deal from this blog and now feel an awareness and closeness to Allah that I never did before.

    The reminders has helped me to improve my marriage and so many other aspects of my life. Although I am doing well now in my marriage I still the read the blog on a daily basis to benefit from the reminders to always put Allah first.

    One thing I can say to Aeysha is that nothing in Ana’s post to you is based on the fact that you are a second wife. We often have commentators bashing women for no reason other than the fact that they married their husband second. Ana will always indicate that she do not agree with this and that the order a wife married in does not define the women.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    MS, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif Your post brought tears to my eyes. It was so beautiful. I will make a copy of it and keep it in the top drawer of my desk to read when I feel overwhelmed and want to give up. Alhumdulliah, for you and all the wonderful ladies like you for all you do to keep this blog alive. I can’t re-read your post right now because it makes me too emotional. It makes me cry https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif But, thank you again for your kind word and encouragement https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • MS

    March 10, 2017

    Ana, wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu.

    Alhamdullilah for that, I’m glad it came at the right time. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Please don’t give up the blog Ana!

    I’ve been reading it silently for the last 2 years and I’ve learnt so much from you. With Allah’s permission you’ve brought me closer to Allah than at any other point in my life.

    I now feel that I’m accepting Islam completely insha’allah, and not just bits and pieces that suit my desires.

    I always felt uncomfortable about polygamy and didn’t really understand qadr, but now I do, alhamdullilah! I’m even comfortable talking to my friends and family about the topic and encouraging them to accept polygamy the way you taught me to. Insha’allah you’ll be rewarded for every piece of information I learnt from you and then passed on.

    I thank Allah much for having guided me through your blog and pray that He rewards you greatly for that.

    If you ever feel that your commitment to the blog is waning, please remember sura 103 ‘The Fading Day’: “By the fading day, man is [deep] in loss, except for those who believe, do good deeds, urge one another to the truth, and urge one another to steadfastness” [from the English translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem].

    Your blog is all about urging us, your readers, to the truth. It’s all about urging us to remain steadfast and obedient to Allah in all circumstances.

    Every article and comment you write and every penny you spend on running the site is stacking good deeds on your scale.

    None of us will truly be able to understand the hard work that goes into this blog on a daily basis, but Allah does. He will never allow your efforts to go to waste and will insha’allah make this blog a means for you to enter paradise.

    It’s all worth it!

    I pray that Allah allows you to continue blogging and calling people to the truth for as long as possible. Ameen. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    MS, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Dear Sister MS, thank you so much for understanding what it takes to run a blog and what I go through trying to keep up with it, keep it going and live my life off of this blog as well. Some times I feel like just abandoning this place and moving on with my life. The average life of a blog is three years. This blog is in it’s eighth year and still going. MS, you don’t don’t know how much your post means to me. Your words came right at a time that I needed to hear them the most, and I thank Allah much for you and your words, because I was totally fed up with this blog. Thank you again for understanding. {{{hugs}}}

  • MS

    March 10, 2017

    Asalamalaikum Ayesha,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve suffered so much. May Allah grant you ease. Ameen.

    This is a lengthy post because I wanted to make 3 points.

    —————————————-
    1 – I agree that Ana’s advice is often frank. But we must remember that she’s incredibly busy responding to hundreds of people who come to this site seeking advice, often saying the same things as you. She doesn’t have time to constantly ‘beat around the bush’ in order to avoid hurt feelings. Please try not to take it personally sister. She’s just trying to help.

    ——————————————-
    2 – Ana warned you that there’s an issue with the love you and your husband have for each other. I definitely see her point!

    When we worship something, we love it more than anything else. We become a slave to it. We DEVOTE our time, efforts and sacrifices to pleasing it and avoiding it’s anger. We tie our happiness to that thing. We can’t live without it.

    Allah tells us to worship Him alone. That means we love nothing (not children, spouses or money) as much as we love Him. Our hearts are for Allah alone.

    Allah tells us that if we love a thing or person too much (aka. shirk), it will destroy us, so out of Him Mercy and Wisdom he has made it a forbidden type of love in order to save us from that pain.

    Your post made me think that perhaps you and your husband have accidentally fallen into this forbidden love? That you have both set up partners with Allah?

    I say this because you said: “one day he asked me to marry him, saying he could no longer live without me” and “I admit openly that it bred a desire to help him that took over my desire to help myself”, “I gave my heart to a man”.

    You say that the love you have for your husband has caused you great misery. It has made you “die a billion times over”. That’s because it’s the excessive, shirk type of love.

    I doubt you did this deliberately, so don’t worry, you can still mend things. Allah tells us “…if any of you has foolishly done a bad deed, and afterwards repented and mended his ways, God is most forgiving and most merciful.” (chapter 6, verse 54. From the English translation by M.A.S. Abdel Haleem).

    If you want peace and happiness in your life, it’s time to make Allah the only love of your life.

    That’s the most beautiful type of love. The type of love that will NEVER harm us, but only bring us great joy, contentment and peace.

    ———————————————-
    3 – Here’s how to increase your love for Allah

    A) Increase how much you know about Him.

    We can’t love something we don’t know much about, so spend time every day really reflecting on Allah’s Word; the Quran. Allah promises us “…truly it is in the remembrance of God that hearts find peace…” (chapter 13, verse 28), and He NEVER breaks His promises or lies.

    B) Turn to Allah constantly and beg for a way out of this painful situation.

    Allah tells us in chapter 6, verse 17 “If God touches you with affliction [= a source of pain or harm], no one can remove it except Him…” Note: the explanation in brackets was added by me.

    C) Increase in your obedience to your sole master, Allah. Sins are a common cause of suffering, so strive to identify them and cut them out.

    D) Make each day’s focus about earning Allah’s love, not your husband or co-wife’s affections.

    I wish you all the best. May Allah grant you ease and make you love Him more than anything else. May Allah make the Quran the light of your heart. Ameen.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Furthermore, Ayesha,

    You said, “That is not the Islam that I reverted to. None of this is.”

    What are you basing that statement on? Is it your dislike of how your husband’s other wife has treated you? Or is it because your husband wasn’t able to live the life with you that you wanted him to? Or, is it now because I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear?

    I have heard and know of people who left Islam when the things they accepted Islam for were gone or things didn’t turn out the way they wanted them to. There are women who leave Islam when their marriages go bad. I remember reading we get from Islam what we accepted Islam for, and nothing more… Seems you’ve gotten your husband.

    Becoming Muslim doesn’t mean that you will live a life of bliss on this planet. This is earth, not Paradise. Allah lets us know in the Holy Quran how to achieve comfort and ease in this life and a better life in the Hereafter. If we’re not getting that “comfort and ease” we need to ask ourselves, why? What aren’t we doing that Allah tells us to do? What aren’t we believing that He tells us to believe?

    Don’t blame others for you you having stayed in an abusive marriage for two decades. It wasn’t hidden from you that your husband has psychiatric problems and his wife had problems as well when you met them.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Ayesha,

    I’m sorry you feel attacked. I simple let you know my thoughts about what you said. I’m sorry you couldn’t get from me, Oh, poor Ayesha. How sad. I feel so bad for you. She was a horrible woman and your poooor husband had to tolerate such bad treatment from a horrible woman.

    You blamed her and him for what you believe was “oppression” and now you’re blaming me. It doesn’t help to go about life blaming everyone for every hardship or mishaps in your life.

    You met the man and married him behind his other wife’s back, knowing your husband had tried to commit suicide because she was supposedly some type of whack job. And you agreed to be a secret for a couple years because of his wife’s supposed mental instability. Then you come out of hiding and think she was suppose to love and embrace you. REALLY?

    It makes no sense that a sane man would remain with a woman who beats him and tries to kill him. How could his other wife respect him? How do you respect him? I suggest you try to go get him some psychiatric help or counseling. Didn’t you say he was supposed to go meet with some scholar or someone? I don’t even believe in psychiatrists and the sort. You said you helped him and saved him. Well, a find job you did. He’s still with that woman…

    You said you won’t expound on how you have been oppressed. I guess not. I can’t imagine that you’d be able to figure that one out. And I wasn’t referring to his other having oppressed you because she didn’t. You weren’t married to her. You were married to her husband. How you thought that all of a sudden once you married the man, he was going to grow some balls and stand up to his domineering wife baffles me.

    You can blame me all you want. It won’t make you right. Stop pointing your finger at others and begin to take a real, good hard look at yourself.

  • ummof4

    March 10, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    The only other thing I have to say about Ayesha’s situation is that I cannot attend her pity party. No one stays in a completely miserable marriage for 20 years unless she wants to be seen as “the martyr” or “the savior” or has some issues with her brain functioning.

    Everyone enjoy your Jum’uah and remember Allah often.

  • Ayesha

    March 10, 2017

    Ummof4 thank you, insh’allah Ameen.
    Anabellah,

    “Stop blaming her and stop blaming your husband for what you have gone through. It is your fault.” How dare you?

    I took a risk, I posted a part of my story for the first time in my life, having been silent for many years. To say to me “It’s your fault” and “You didn’t do this for Allah you did it for yourself” and “you did nothing for his son” is just the type of treatment that causes women who are in my situation to be silent. It is like having a beating, going to the hospital and being beaten for being “stupid enough to allow a beating”.

    We deal with abuse daily, must we then also deal with a complete stranger belittling us as well? How does that work as “support”?

    You speak as though you know the full story when you do not. Your attacking response is why so many second wives stay hidden. The anger in your tone is very clear, tell me what have I done to you to warrant this? You have stood in judgement as though you have all the answers and everything I’ve said is, well, trash to you. I’ll be surprised if you post this response.

    You see, THIS is why things don’t change; women will continue to keep silent because they know that there will always be the two camps – those who gently say trust ALLAH, who speak softly and kindly, and then those who essentially turn around and burn you at the stake.

    When women are encouraged to speak and do so, they are “reprimanded” as you have done, and though everything they say is worthless and they must give account to you. At least ummof4 was kind, and I felt that soothing. I was encouraged, until I read your responses.

    I chose to post a comment to your site because I THOUGHT it was a place where women support women. I’m sorry, I was clearly wrong. You say there has been no oppression becuase you have judged me to be the guilty one, is that because I’m the second wife? You then ASK me what she’s done to oppress me. Why should I tell you any more when everything I’ve said has already been judged by you?

    I didn’t do it for Allah? So it is not the work of Allah to place yourself at ALLAH’s disposal to help people and helping should not begin in the home? Perhaps in your mind the “fair” thing to do would be to let this woman kill him the first few attempts she made? To just leave him to his fate with her because “he should know better”. That is a very narrow view of life, there are so many abused men who cannot fight back, it is a falacy to believe “he’s a man he needs to stand up for himself.” Women can be very cruel, as your own reply to me has proved it.

    It’s amazing how you also say I should not “pat myself on the back” for saving anyone. Were YOU there? You are so quick to condemn someone’s grief as her own choosing when that person reaches out? wow.

    Lastly, you tell me to read the Quran as if I have NOT read it? If you were the expert you would know not to make anything harder upon someone than it already is. you would know that if someone comes to your door (virtual in this case) hurting, you would know not to throw further hurt her way.

    I know you must be the most knowledgeable person since you so easily stand in judgement of me, but just in case you actually have the presence of mind to post this, allow me to clarify the word “Zulm” (Oppression) it is the opposite of Al A’del and means “injustice, darkness, aggression, doing the inappropriate, and PREVENTING A RIGHT.” So if someone forces my husband at gunpoint (and i mean this in a very literal sense) so that he is forced to deny my rights against his own will, this is not oppression? This is my fault, right?

    As for answers on the day of judgement and my “lack of knowledge of the Quran”. You say I should read it with sincerity. Believe me if I had not, I would not be a Muslim today.

    Quran 108:8 “Then, on that day, you will be called to account for all the bounties you enjoyed.”

    I just say that I did not come to Islam for my husband as you appear to be insinuate. I came to Islam for Allah, before I even met him. I left a husband, a home, because that man would not accept Islam. How dare you judge me saying that none of what I did was for the pleasure of Allah! I was a Muslim BEFORE my husband came into my life. I am a Muslim despite the evil done to me by someone who was born a Muslim and the evil I’ve seen her do. On this Jummah I ask do not judge who is right and who is wrong. And do not judge why I came to Islam as being for my own purposes. That role belongs to Allah. Not you.

    Quyama is not about deciding heaven and hell alone. Allah will not glance at an evil doer, BUT –
    Quran 36: 65 On that day we will seal their mouths; their feet and hands will bear witness of what they used to do.
    And yes, they will try to explain saying “he made me do it, she made me do it” and Allah will say “Away with you!” – that too is the teaching (I will find those references if you like)

    Al-Bukhaari 6535: It was narrated by Abu Sa’eed a;-khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) said; “When the believers have been saved from the fire, they will be detained on the bridge between Paradise and Hell. There they will settle the scores between them for any wrongs that they did to one another in this world (…) before they enter paradise

    So thanks, but no thanks. I don’t think I need to, or want to, “explain how I have been oppressed.”

    May you never have to go through what I have been through. May you never find yourself in a position of suffering and have someone judge you as blameworthy of your own oppression. May you never know that, as I do today.

    by the way, I didn’t say I would leave Islam. But I know of people who came to Islam and people made it so difficult for them that they chose to leave because of people who made it so hard upon them to stay. People who judge, people who when they reach out (like I did) are very quick not to help but to lay blame. Not to guide but bash. The question I many times ask myself as a revert is “Is THIS Islam? Muslims who treat each other as I have been treated by her? Yet call themselves muslims and behave as pillars of society?” and today I ask myself again “Is THIS Islam, where you reach out to someone who doesn’t know you but is MUSLIM, seeking some kind of comfort and direction, and you get told you have only yourself to blame?”

    That is not the Islam that I reverted to. None of this is.

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2017

    Do anyone else have any input about what Ayesha said?

    More than her husband having treated her unjustly, I think it’s more that her husband feared his other wife and she became his lord.

    A person would have to account to Allah for why he or she didn’t worship Him the way He prescribes. To answer to Allah is about receiving his Mercy or forgiveness or punishment. It’s about going to Paradise or the Hell Fire. It’s not about stuff like – answering the question – did you treat your co-wife badly? Did you call her a name? etc. etc.

    See the bigger picture. It about Allah. Did you and do you and will you obey Him?

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2017

    Ayesha,

    Furthermore, I was wondering how you were oppressed in the marriage. I didn’t hear you say anything about your husband having held you hostage in the marriage, that he beat you or abused you in any way or anything of that nature. You remained in the marriage although you said you had the means to care for and tend to yourself. It’s not as though you had no place to go and no resources or money to leave. Furthermore, I read somewhere in your post that you’d blame him or her if you leave Islam. If you think you’d leave Islam based on what your marriage turned out to be, it’s more reason to believe your life was all about the marriage and your love for your husband. Maybe you need to rethink all that you’ve been through and contemplate it more…

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2017

    Ayesha, WOW, Welcome!

    You’ve gone through a whole lot over the last couple of decades with that man. You shared a whole lot with us as well.

    What I got from what you wrote is that your living, your dying, your prayers and your sacrifices were all for your husband. It certainly was NOT for Allah – the Lord of the worlds and that is what it’s supposed to be for. Based on what you’ve said, to me you’ve done all that you’ve done for yourself and your husband. It doesn’t sound that any of it was done seeking the good pleasure of Allah, so that you could enter Paradise. You lived your life for that man, and you are primarily blaming his other wife for his suffering and for yours.

    Your husband is a weak man, which you should have gathered from having to rescue him from his suicide attempts. You should have gathered that he was weak knowing that he continued to live with a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive wife. Allah has given men more than women, and they are supposed to maintain and protect women. It’s not about money either. You switched it around and call yourself protecting him (based on what you’ve said). You’ve maintain and protected yourself, as well.

    All that you’ve said about the other wife in that she will have to stand before Allah to answer to him about all that she’s done is wrong. She’ll be given her book with everything about her and her life in it for her to read. It will have in it everything big and small and nothing will be left out. Allah has no need to question her about anything because He is the Creator and He knows everything. So, many Muslims ERRONEOUSLY think they will be standing before Allah answering questions. Allah says He won’t even look at an unbeliever on the Day of Judgement.

    Stop blaming your husband and stop blaming his other wife for what you’re going through and have been through. It’s all your fault. You are to blame. You worshiped your husband and lived as a “secret” because he was too weak to stand up to his other wife.

    You talk about all that you’ve done for his other wife – getting the son off drugs etc. etc. etc. – you did nothing. Allah did it all, so stop patting yourself on the back and giving yourself all those accolades. You didn’t save your husband either. If he got “saved”, if you want to call it that, Allah did it.

    Allah doesn’t give anyone a burden more than they have the strength to bear. THEY PUT THE ADDITIONAL BURDEN ON THEMSELVES.

    I suggest you read the Quran. Read it with sincerity in wanting to learn it and and to live it. Perhaps, then Allah will give you knowledge and understanding and will change your condition.

  • ummof4

    March 9, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ayesha, I pray that Allah gives you the relief that you need. Allah does not give any of us a burden that we cannot bear. Allah also says that we should not live under oppression.

  • Ayesha

    March 9, 2017

    I have been a secret wife for several years now. Here’s what happened: In the process of reverting to Islam I met someone who was in a position to answer some important questions. Texas is a big place but it’s still not easy to become muslim and not have that totally change your life. I have 2 children from a previous marriage, one I left when I entered Islam. This person referred me to someone who could teach me about my new faith. Over some time I began to notice that the teacher was often upset, sometimes showing some signs of bruising. One day he broke down. His wife beat him, humiliated him, cursed him. Being a man that was highly looked up to in the muslim community, he had for years kept his mouth shut about it, but he was suicidal that day and I happened to be the one it came out to. The abuse had been going on from the day they were married, a marriage he feels to this day to terrified to leave. (Yes I’ve met her and it is not making up stories to say she definitely is not the monster he portrayed her to be. She’s much worse.)
    Rightly or wrongly I became his confidant and tried to help him repair that nikah. When he called me one night, late, saying he was about to take his life and wanted to say goodbye, I didn’t know what to say but something worked because he climbed down off the rooftop he was on and drove back to his house, and his kids. The closeness bred affection and affection bred love. From my side I admit openly that it bred a desire to help him that took over my desire to help myself move forward in my own life.
    One day he asked me to marry him, saying he could no longer live without me, and we met. Judge if you must, let Allah judge between us that’s okay. So we met in person. It was as if I had finally met my soulmate. We made an agreement that I would not pressure him for much at all for the first two years. In those two years he would tell her, and if she did not accept our nikah he would leave her on the grounds of the continued abuse. He also committed to start working with a Muslim scholar himself so as to get help.
    Fast forward several years. She has tried to assault me, threatened to kill me, and my kids. Threatened to kill him (and almost did, once, with a knife). He is so worn down from years of abuse that despite my attempts to save him, he simply won’t leave her. “because of the kids”. The kids cannot rely on their mother for anything at all because she is incredibly abusive to the boys and kind only to the daughter. The boys are being raised to believe that what mother says goes and so one has grown up to marry a woman that now abused him, in turn. I take care of my own needs to this day. He will step in only if there is an emergency and only if it is essential, failing which I am just the secret even if I am one he claims he cannot live without. What this first wife has done has been to consistently and continuously terrorize him, the kids, and now me. And I’m done. THIS is not the Islam that I learned about. Subr is subr until it breaks you, then it is not subr but stupidity. So, since I have had to take care of myself and my kids’ needs all along, I am focussing on continuing to do that, on building myself up. Every penny he makes goes to satisfy her luxurious and continuous demands. I’ve heard people beat dogs better than she talks to him. The biggest secret, I’ve realised, isn’t even me. it’s her. Its her abuse. She had decided (and told me right out) that she would destroy him and ‘how dare i save him’? Yet I tried. I believed in love, I still do. I know I sound selfish but two decades of this suffering is long enough. Because of my situation I want to say to women who, like me, are so in love that they will accept a temporary “downgrade for the sake of his situation” – DON’T DO IT. And I want to say to those first wives who happen to treat their husbands like shit – don’t complain when he walks into the arms of someone else, don’t cry the night away. Change. Or get out. I also want to say to first wives who don’t know what to do about second wives; there is a choice. Accept it. Or Leave him. But don’t make your life miserable and don’t make someone else’s life miserable, like mine has been for the last 19.5 years! I am not addressing this to hurt the women who tend to their husband like pets and love them and delight in them only to find they have remarried; I am saying this as a revert who has died a billion times over living in the corner of someone else’s shadow because wife number one is a terror. If you indeed are a Muslim, let my words ring out. YOU. and I BOTH will give account for what we have done. YOU, the first wife, and I BOTH will stand there and give account. How will you defend your treatment of me? How will I defend my words and thoughts about you? And what about the man in the middle? My children have grown up with the truth; I’ve not hidden from them what’s wrong about my situation and I’ve not hidden from them what’s right about his. I have not unreasonably run down the first wife. But i have seen how she has destroyed him. He is no longer the vibrant person I met. I am no longer the happy person I was. The only one who still has all the control and power she always had is her; at the cost of everyone’s happiness. Mine, her kids, my kids, and his. She has become the idol and I need to refuse to worship at that altar. For years I have told him don’t bring me the stories, deal with her as her husband, I am not the mediator and you only foment hatred in me. But then, who nurses the bruises seen and who helps those unseen? I am the secret wife of an abused husband who has spent almost twenty years trying to save him, only to find that I am drowning in my own tears, too old perhaps to remarry, but not too old to have peace. I’ve suffered attack after attack from her, and each time to appease her there is another car, another trip, another designer dress for her, whilst I sit and count my bread to meet my expenses. Resentment? Oh i have plenty. Who wouldn’t! Judge away, but BELIEVE ME there is NO judgement you can make that hasn’t already slashed my wrists or stabbed my heart. SHE is the queen who with great aplomb and glory frequents all the fashionable places and SHE is the wife who everyone knows. After almost 20 years, I don’t believe I am a secret anymore. Just a poorly kept sidekick. PLEASE, don’t marry him! You can’t save him. I know because I tried. I know you love him, I know you think your love with withstand it all. It probably will; but you will die a billion times over awash in tears of blood as I have, feeling like you cannot breathe for loving him so much, and yet you cannot breathe for wanting to get out. PLEASE. If he doesn’t tell her upfront – and tell EVERYONE ELSE – don’t do it. not because he’s not worth it, but because maybe SHE isn’t. There are many first wives who get their hearts broken after doing so much for their husbands but let’s face it – there are many women who’s husbands take a secret wife because they are hoping that the second wife will somehow be a balm to their wounds. And we second wives give and give and give.. give up all the rights we should have as women, as wives, out of love. There is only ONE ALLAH, and it is not the first wife. Or the second for that matter.

    For myself, I have not seen anything of the world because I gave my heart to a man who’s terror of shaytaan is greater than his trust in Allah. I believed in Subr. I believed in rewards. Islam says there is only one death, yet I have suffered so many that I cannot count them. Love should not hurt this way. Love should not mean you have to defend your existence and your every breath for scraps of time. Because she has seen to it that although he is my husband he does not live with me, she has seen to it with threats I have heard MYSELF that he does not spend a single night with me, week after month after year after decade. And I have this to say to her: “Oh first wife – YOU and I WILL MEET on judgement day. YOU and I WILL face one another and ALLAH. The Allah for whom I left everything before I ever met you. The Allah for whom I made subr and for whom I gave my LIFE. I submitted, for 20 years I have taken blow after blow and lost all sense of pride because it was always me giving up time, giving up support, for the sake of Allah. I was the one who took the blows, who heard what you said about me when you think I wasn’t listening. I was the one who endured the lonely nights, the shortage of money whilst you lived it up around the world. And STILL you felt cheated. YOU AND I WILL MEET before ALLAH, and whilst as a Muslim we are taught to fear that day, wallahi this day I am grateful for the day of JUDGEMENT because on that day I want to hear you try to explain yourself. i seek Allah’s forgiveness and lie broken every day, so everything I need to say to Allah I say every day and on judgement day HE will know my story already, my every thought, my every tear. But YOU – Think carefully how you will explain your threats upon my life and that of my kids. Think carefully how you will explain the witchcraft you left at my door time after time. Think carefully how you will explain the nights in hospital that I could not see my husband for his fear of YOU. Think carefully how you will explain why I had to do without so much NOT for Allah but because of your oppression of me and of him. Think now,do think, because that day there will be too much terror for you to think. And if the day should come that I leave Islam because of the horrors that you have inflicted upon me and upon my nikah because of your pride and your naffs, then that too will lie squarely in your hands. 20 years, and I have saved his life from your hands at least that many times, but it is not my job any more because you have succeeded in killing my belief in love, in hope, and in goodness. So I’m giving him back to you, and let his blood also rest at your feet.

    Have you noticed that I haven’t phoned him in years? That I have obligingly waited for him to find a gap to call me as though I was a secret mistress, and that I’ve done this because when I don’t he receives a bashing from you? Allah has said “I have not made oppression justifiable for me, why do you oppress?” but you, first wife, don’t care. Have you noticed that if it weren’t for me your child would still be on drugs, or do you not even care? Have you noticed that if it were not for me two of your grandchildren would not have made it through those illnesses because you refused to get the medicine and were too busy “visiting with your sistas”.

    You care more for your own pride. When I saved your child from a horrid situation, you didn’t care. when I saved your husband from taking his life, you were angry at ME. Guess what? Your oppression has purified me like fine silver, because I have learned that ALLAH is my spouse, and the one we share died long ago. You killed the manhood in him years ago and I was just to blind to realise I was living with the corpse you created.

    Did I ever in a million years think this would happen? No. I believed in love. And i believed that Muslimah’s could never ever do what you have done. I was OH so very, very wrong. I would rewind 20 years in the blink of an eye if it were not for the fact that YOUR oppression has made me strong enough to save countless lives and countless marriages through a wisdom that has come to me in those nights of tears and those days of sorrow that is un-equalled. Perhaps that is why Allah permitted this. Perhaps it was Allah, perhaps it was just my poor choice, to choose love, to choose life. I dont know any more.

    But THAT DAY – when the sun no longer rises and the moon no longer wakes – THAT DAY I know MY ALLAH who has seen it all will stand, and you will stand, and I will stand, and HE will stand. And THAT DAY is the day that keeps me alive. THAT day is my only hope. ”

    Sisters, please. I am begging you. If you have to give up ANYTHING that she doesn’t have to give up, don’t do it. “his situation” is not what life is about. It should never be.

  • anabellah

    October 13, 2016

    Musakaleem,  Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much, brother, for imputing. I agree with you that the naf and possibly the  evil Jinn can get in the way of wives having a peaceful, tranquil marriage.

    It helps the husband a lot when the wives don’t live that far apart from one another. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif I’m a firm believer of that.

  • Musakaleem

    October 13, 2016

    Asa sister, I hope everything works out for you. As it will, sometimes the first wife who puts such threats and bad vibes against the husband to make him try to keep peace with her , but I came to the conclusion of that it’s the jinn that is getting the satisfaction in her and her naffs not being checked at all most of the time the husband wants to be with his other wives if he could trust me it is good brothers who really try like me. If you guys live in same city it should be easy for him if not it’s hard, why don’t you ask him for a family meeting see how that goes.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you, Sis, for sharing your view about the subject. All of what you said makes total sense to me. You wrote it nicely. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • ummof4

    October 11, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I do understand why 2nd, 3rd, 4th wives agree to less time at the beginning, then want to change later.  It’s for the same reasons that they agree to take care of themselves financially, then want to change later.  

    Reason 1:  To say that they don’t need as much time or to say that they don’t need as much money makes them look less needy than the 1st wife.  They believe that the husband will see them as extra righteous because they don’t want to hurt their Muslim sister or have any negative effect on the husband’s family.  

    Reason 2:  They don’t really see themselves as full-fledged wives, as Ana suggested.  They see themselves as extras in the husband’s life.  

    Reason 3:  They are the type of women who want to be married, but single.  If their husbands don’t take care of them financially, and doesn’t live with them most of the time, they can still enjoy the single life and have sex when they want it, with no strings attached; their husbands cannot tell them what to do and they do not have to obey the husbands..  Women do this also, not just men.

    Reason 4:  They are ignorant about the teachings of Islam.  They usually do not have a walee who is looking out for their best interests.  They listen to the husband and accept whatever he says about marriage.  

    However, as we have seen time and time again, these agreements do not last long-term.  At some point, virtually all women want to be treated fairly and receive the same benefits and treatment as the other wife (usually the first).  

    WORD OF ADVICE: DO NOT MARRY MEN AND EXPECT LESS THAN WHAT YOU ARE DUE AS A WIFE, YOU ARE NOT A GIRLFRIEND OR A MISTRESS!

    Everyone have a nice day worshipping Allah as He has commanded us to do.

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    When do the women who marry married men hold themselves accountable for their situation when they had agreed to the conditions at the onset ?

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    If they or their wali negotiated and agreed on the conditions of the marriage before the marriage, how did they end up being dissatisfied with the conditions and want more – and then blame it all on the husband as being unfair…

  • anabellah

    October 11, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    Thanks for trying to help me understand. I get an uneasy feeling that some of the women probably started off with the men in some type of illicit relationship. They started out somewhat like being mistresses and maybe then decided to get married. It could be why they only get “booty calls” at night or get no nights or no days or no weekends. I wonder if they had a formal wedding with witnesses and dowry.

  • Tasliyman

    October 10, 2016

    Ana, I am just as confused as you are. 

    Our time was divided equally from the start.

    I dont see how it could be done any other way and then justified. 

  • anabellah

    October 10, 2016

    daveera, Welcome! 🙂 what did you and your husband agree to before you got married to him? What did he say the schedule would be etc? Did you agree that his other wife would have more time with him than you? I don’t understand how some of the wives think that the first wife is supposed to have more time with him simply because she is first married and have children. Where is the Wali who is supposed to represent you and make sure that you don’t get taken advantage of?

    If you agreed to have less time with him from the very beginning, it could be the reason he married you in the first place. It’s very difficult when women agree to something with the man so that he will marry her, and then she changes her mind and she want something else.

    Maybe someone could explain it to me like I’m a two-year-old so that I will understand what is going on here. What is the problem?

  • daveera

    October 10, 2016

    I hv the same problem ..

    I don’t know what to do , I am a second wife and my husband treating me differently, he just spend time with me when he need, otherwise he spend all the time with the first wife . 

    I really hope Allaah will give me a kid,  I get married because I wanna do of sunnah. . 

    Maybe I am wrong, 

    But wallahi .. I don’t want to destroy their relationship. And I rrally care and respect to her ( husband’s wife ) . 

    But I can’t stay like this .. I need a change . 

    I need husband who can treat me like a wife .. care to me .. not about money and fasility .. but this about life .. 

     

    I don’t know what to do .. perhaps he want me just for sex or .. I don’t know .. 

    I’m very sad n frustration  

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    March 1, 2016

    Shokron my dear brother I pray you find your wife or wives asap so us brothers can take responsibility of our women, ameen. The muslimahs have huge rights on us Brother be very mindful of that so i m doing what I can do by giving my sisters a good friend and husband they can count on to make it in this DUNYA and follow the mother’s of the believers who loved Muhammad saw. That’s the Goal brother spread the word polygamy 411 is the place to unite the muslimahs and Muslim men who the way of the holy Prophet saw.

  • Tawakkul

    March 1, 2016

    Musakaleem Mohammed,

    I appreciate you being humble and honest, I can imagine how beautiful it is when you all pray together, Alhamdulillah it’s always nice to hear about people who have joined lives and partnered up with the intentions to earn Jannah, whether that be polygamy or monogamy it’s beautiful none the less. May Allah increase you in good, and make your family a source of joy and tranquility in this life and the hereafter.

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    March 1, 2016

    ASA brother yes it’s hard sometimes but it all depends sisters can be moody and cool but you have just remember they people too so you have to be very patient. But the fun part is that we make salat together and travel. Their maybe a favorite but I have a favorite i n all of them…. I love them all

  • anabellah

    February 24, 2016

    Tasliyman, beautiful post!

  • Tasliyman

    February 24, 2016

    Aameenah

    I’m sorry that you’re stuck in such a sad situation.

    Although everyone’s advice is basically that you brought it on yourself – don’t beat yourself up about it. We all make mistakes. What we think is a good idea at the time does sometimes turn out to be the worst decision ever.

    What matters now is how you deal with it. Being the “nice” wife and suffering in silence is not going to do you any good in this case. You’ll have to find the courage to be strong and do what is needed for your sake as well as your children. Children are quite perceptive and they will pick up if you’re constantly sad. Ask Allah for guidance, seek closeness to Allah and relief will surely be found.

    I totally relate to you about always getting the short end of the stick. Although in my case, I married my husband second, his first wife has the stronger personality and is always much more vocal when she’s unhappy about something. For a very long time I just allowed him to always disregard my feelings in his attempt to keep her happy. Eventually I had no choice but to speak up and make it clearly when I’m not happy. I’m just not the shouting, throwing-tantrum type.

    I can only imagine how hard it must be to adjust to polygamy from monogamy. Living in the same house will surely make it so much harder.

    I wish you all the best. Be strong. If you read from the old posts on this blog you will see that the one thing we’re always reminded to do is to place your focus on Allah. Not your husband, the other wife, what they are doing and things like that. If you find your mind wandering force yourself to turn back to Allah. This is the one thing that will make all the difference in your life In-sha Allah Ameen.

    I pray that you find relief soon.

  • Tawakkul

    February 23, 2016

    Musakaleem Mohammed,

    Mashallah brother you seem to have good intentions for wanting to be polygamous.

    I always wonder about what polygamy is like from a mans point of view. I’m sure that it is fun and exciting to have more than one woman taking care of you and wanting to be around you all the time. But at the same time their must be low points. Do you ever find it difficult to keep all your wives happy, and content. Also obviously there’s always going to be one that you love more than the others, so how do you deal with conceiling that you love one of the more especially if you all live together.

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    February 23, 2016

    ASA I am polygamous and very pro polygamous for a reason. Islam is the reason and the shortage on good husband’s for good Muslim sisters who are not against it..it is imperative to repeat and continue what The Prophet’s orders to continue what he left us to do. So I’m very careful to not try to mistreat my wives or future wives its not cool…

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2016

    Sounds idealistic to me.

  • Tawakkul

    February 19, 2016

    Musakaleem Mohammed,
    Assalamu alaikum brother, that’s very interesting so are you currently polygamous or is this something you’re trying to work towards?

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    February 19, 2016

    As salaamulaikum Sister Ana , I have a plan on getting that going as sisters living togheter in a huge spacious home like 10,000 sq ft or houses or apartments on the same property. It’s a very good thing for the sisters who accept it and believe in it. Who will be happy with their sisters as real sisters,as friends and family. It is a lot of our sisters being mistreated and misguided and left for dead to sum it up. Sisters should enjoy their husband’s no matter if they are sharing one. Brothers should Fear Allah on this matter. It s very serious. I’m for polygamy which is Islam its beautiful if you do it with love respect and purpose.

  • anabellah

    February 19, 2016

    Musakaleem Mohammed, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for the very nice post. Well said.

    I have a question, if you don’t mind me asking. What’s your reason for wanting to live “community living?” I suppose you mean the wives living together with you.

  • Musakaleem Mohammed

    February 18, 2016

    As salaamulaikum I read the article and yes Allah does test the sisters and men and family as a whole but the sisters have to be more patient to the idea of polygamy as a whole and a command of Allah and mercy from Him, first if she welcomed it with understanding of why and then she will be able to sustain endurance and even receive huge blessing from Allah individually for her own conduct. But for the sister who invited the other wife in there home and she is acting dirspectful I don’t agree with that conduct at all even if the brother was rich, you and your first wife built that home togheter its not for the new sister or old sister the tear it apart what they built she should be humble and appreciative she has a good sister to open up her home, yes that is very rude and difficult to live thru. I have wives and I plan to have community living but I’m not having that conduct. The brother need to be mindful of your rites too and the sister needs to be mindful of being funny and disrespectful… This is not holding to the rope of Allah. So sister tell my brother to cut it out what he doing is childish and causing pain to you and they both keeping up fitnah…but make duah vand have a family meeting write it down and tell her this is not the way of the mother’s of the believers conduct and we have to get along and love 1 another and our husband and please him with seeing us getting along and everything will be fine my sister… Polygamy is the sunnah and its great if everyone play there part whole heartedly.

  • ummof4

    February 18, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ameenah, I agree with the other ladies that it is important that we think through every important decision (and every not so important decision) before we move forward. Allah know your intention when you invited your husband’s new wife to come live with you and your husband, but she is solely his financial responsibility, not yours. If his finances were so bad, he should have not married until they improved. However, with a place for her to stay, it was easy for them to move forward with the marriage.

    Now you’re in a difficult situation and need a way out. As Gail said, pray for the best but be prepared for the worst if you tell your husband that his new wife is no longer welcome in your home. Is it your home that you own or are paying for or is it in your husband’s name? If the house is in your name, that might make it a bit easier, but if it is in your husband’s name, you cannot force him to make her leave.

    As others have stated, they are still in the honeymoon phase of marriage. You, on the other hand, have 3 small children and cannot even give him the attention that she can.

    Who pays the bills in the household? Your husband, you, his new wife? A combination? That will affect your husband’s decision. He does seem to feel comfortable with the situation of having two wives in the same house.

    If you decide to ask him to find her another home, make istikharah salah before you approach your husband. If you do not know what it is, it is in almost every book on salah. It is a 2 rakah salah, after which you ask Allah for guidance. If you need more details, I can give them to you.

    May Allah improve the condition of you, Ameenah, and all of us here on the blog.

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2016

    Tasilyman,

    I’m sorry to hear you were having trouble posting, and am glad you finally got through. It was a very nice post that you wrote to ameenah. Insha Allah, she’ll pop in and let us know she has been reading the posts that were written to her. You are right that she shouldn’t be too hard on herself. We all absolutely do err.

    I’m assuming ameenah’s co is Muslim. Sometimes we fall asleep thinking just because a person says he or she is Muslim they should automatically be given certain concessions. We really need to investigate people regardless of who they are to determine if we should let the person into our intimacy. Maybe ameenah thought she was doing a good deed when she let that woman into her home.

  • Tasliyman

    February 18, 2016

    Aameenah

    I’ve been struggling to post as my comments keep disappearing. I hope you are still reading.

    Although most of the feedback you got basically says it’s your own fault that you’re in your current situation I just want to add that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.

    We all mistakes. Sometimes what seemed like a good idea at the time ends up being the worst decision in the long run.

    What matters is how you deal with it now. Being the ‘nice’ wife probably won’t help you in your current situation. You have to find the courage to be strong and firm for your sake as well as your children. Children picks up when you are upset, they’re very perceptive.

    Seek closeness to Allah and ask for guidance. I hope you find ease and comfort soon.

  • anabellah

    February 18, 2016

    Ameenah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I hope you are still here with us. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I think Tawakkul and Gail gave you very good advice. We try to help out as best we can. Aisha here with us was going through something similar to you. She just left her husband, hopefully for good and permanently.

    I think your husband was selfish to have even considered your offer for her to come into your home, disrespect you, and ignore your feelings. If he really appreciated your sabr, he’d be more kind and considerate of you.

    You should ask yourself why you offered her to live in your home. Was it to get help in the household? Was it for her to see that you and your husband have a loving marriage with wonderful children in hope she’d leave him? Was it to keep watch over him and her? Was it in hope to have a loving sisterly friendship (it’s rare)? Did you fear he’d stay with her more at her place, and you wouldn’t see him that often? or was it as Tawakkul mentioned that you thought your husband would love you more due to your generosity? If we analyze our reasons for doing things, we learn a lot about ourselves and about others.

    I think as Gail said the co-wife is engaging you in a play for power. It’s war between you and her. You opened the door, and let the enemy into your home. Getting her out will be the hard part. As Gail mentioned, be prepared to possibly lose your husband.

  • Gail

    February 18, 2016

    Ameenah,

    Hi I am Gail welcome to the blog! I did the same thing as u so I am also guilty of trying to live joint family polygamy(both wives in the same home) needless to say it didn’t work out well for us and my husband got rid of his first wife(long story).
    I personally am not against living joint family and prefer it even still but I am not a Muslim so I see things differently than others on the blog.Since u r Muslim and u r struggling now with the whole husband and cowife up in your face I would suggest to u to tell your husband to move her out but if u do that be warned that he may end up staying most of his time with her and ditch u for a good long while so u need to figure out would it be worth it to u to get your cowife out of the home or not esp since u have kids.Your husband doesn’t sound to nice towards u to be honest and he sure is not respecting your feelings and emotions.
    Listen to be honest the huge majority of the time there is this power play between the wives where one wife has the upper hand by having the husbands attention.I am sure u know what I am talking about.The wife that has the attention tends to try to mistreat the other wife by showing the other wife Hey I have the husband wrapped around my finger I am the boss.It becomes a power struggle to gain control between the wives and it becomes this invisible war between the wives for no reason.The husband he a complete ding dong and has not a lick of common sense to figure out he is being played nor does he care because he is the one getting all the attention.I will say this watch your back because from what u have described it comes across your cowife is playing games and u have caught on to this power struggle between u both.U don’t have to live this way but u will have to make a choice to have your husband move her out and catch hell from him for kicking her out.More than likely he will eventually come around but he may very well up and divorce u as well if he smitten with her enough and she dogs u out so if u plan to move her out of your home hope for the best but plan for the worst as far as your husband and cowife our concerned is my advice.

  • Tawakkul

    February 17, 2016

    Ameenah,
    Assalamu alaikum sister I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in such a frustrating situation but to be honest you stuck your hand in the fire. I could be wrong but It seems that by inviting your husband to move his other wife into your home you thought that you were doing a charitable act, and because of that he may appreciate you more and favor you over her, but it really backfired.

    Polygamy by itself is not something that is easy to deal with and that is assuming that everyone is just, and everyone fears Allah, and everyone is giving and receiving their rights. So when you invited your co-wife into your home you disregarded the rights that Allah gave you and the other wife, and you disregarded and disobeyed the guidelines that Allah set up. Allah has given us these rights and guidelines for a reason and that is to make things easy for us and to protect us. I don’t think your husband is to blame in this situation because he was originally doing what he was supposed to do. You’re the one who messed things up for yourself.

    Listen to Anabellah, you may feel like her advice is harsh but she’s right and I think you really need to hear a straight blunt opinion. I can imagine how hurtful it is to literally watch your husband being romantic, and loving up another woman, while you struggle with the children and get little to no attention at all. But this is one of the reasons Allah has ordered for co-wives to have separate housing. like Anabellah said your husband and co-wife are newly weds they’re still in the honeymoon phase it shouldn’t surprise you that they’re in the clouds. But you shouldn’t have to witness it with your own eyes, and ears what they do should be kept private and what you do with your husband should be private as well.

    At this point I think you should start by repenting to Allah for your shortcomings, and make a lot of dua, seek his aid in everything you do especially when it comes to your marriage because you have small children and they need a stable family. You should find a non-confrontational way to tell your husband that you made a huge mistake by inviting him to move his other wife in your home. Explain to him that it’s not permissible and that he should also fear Allah and obey Allah. He may not be too happy about this but if he truly wishes to obey Allah then he will find another arrangements for his other wife.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2016

    ameenah,

    Another thing to consider is that she is the needy one. I suppose she had no place else to live, which is why she’s there with you and him. You’ve got the home and money. Your husband probably sees her as the one who is in need and you’re not. You should consider that she and he are still newlywed and do what newlyweds do. Again, if she wasn’t in your home, you wouldn’t be living the newlywed lifestyle along with them in the form of watching it.

  • anabellah

    February 16, 2016

    ameenah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to the blog. I’m glad you found us and I hope we’ll be helpful to you. You may find at times we could be a bit raw and blunt with each other here. It is what I’m inclined to be with you right now.

    Polygamy is difficult to live, but some people make it more difficult for themselves. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bare. We put the additional burden on ourselves. People do things that are wrong, yet expect good to come from it. It’s ludicrous.

    You invited the woman into your home to live with you and your husband and then complain about it. What were you expecting??? It’s not the Islamic way. Besides it not being the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), it goes against what Allah speaks of in the Holy Quran. Islam is about chasity, purity, and virtue. We’re supposed to protect our eyes, ears and all our senses from what is unseemly. A wife isn’t suppose to know or have any indication when her husband is having sexual relations with the other wife. If she has her own dwelling and the other has hers, she wouldn’t know when he is being intimate with his other wife. She wouldn’t be subjected to it. It hurts a wife enough just knowing that he has another wife and sex goes with marriage. To be aware and up close and personal with it in one’s face, is being a glutton for punishment. You get upset about him giving her gifts. If she had her own home, you wouldn’t know what he was giving her or when. She and you would have privacy with the husband. A husband and a wife should have freedom in their own home to act as husbands and wives do with no restrictions other than what is haram.

    You said you invited her because he had financial issues. Well, many Husbands in polygamous marriages have financial problems. It was for him and her to try to iron out what to do to help alleviate those problems. Was she about to be homeless, living on the street? Did her house catch fire and she had no place to go? You act as though you’re a good samaritan, but you’re the one who is suffering from it. She, apparently, is not concerned about you, otherwise, she’d ask her husband not to give you gift in front of her etc. She has to know that being in the room with him for a long period of time makes you uncomfortable. On the other hand, she has a right to be with her husband whenever he wants to be with her. Get the picture?

    Islamic polygamy is not “Big Love” or Mormon Polygamy. It’s not one big happy family living under one roof. It’s okay to be as a family, wanting to serve and worship Allah together. It doesn’t entail all the wives living together with the husband. It opens the door to threesomes, wives eavesdropping and who knows what else. A wife could be in the other room masturbating and getting turned on by what she hears or knows is going on. She could watch them. If the wives have their own dwelling, guess what? They don’t know what going on in the other household.

    Your husband says you have patience. Patience with him satisfying his lusts and desires. I seriously doubt you get any barakat (blessings) from being patient with it. It’s not what patience is about. You’re being patient with a whole set up that is questionable. He says he’s never heard of a wife with as much sabr as you. He probably hasn’t because it amounts to a person being a fool.

    Allah did put in his heart that he give her the things that he gives her. Allah determines what we get. A husband is just one of the vehicles to deliver it.

    I suggest that you get her out of your home, and try to live the right way, if you want any good to come into your marriage. Women do jacked up things and want to blame it all on the men. Take responsibility for how you contribute to the predicament.

  • ameenah

    February 16, 2016

    Assalaamu alaikum.
    I am living this life everyday and my heart is hurting. I try hard to remember that Allahs help is with the broken hearted.. But it doesn’t always sooth my heart.

    We live together.. Its my home, and I invited her to stay due to his financial position. They have been married 1 year, myself 6.

    She is an extremely difficult person, and I am the opposite, my husband will hurt me because he knows my anger won’t last while hers burns hot and for long.

    He will buy her gifts and cigarettes and give her in front of me.. And then when I complain, because he doesn’t give me ANYTHING ever. He tells me to stop being childish. But I never receive a cent from him or even so much as a packet of crisps.

    My last straw was today. Its my time and he spent hours in her room.. While I alone had to clean up the house, do the washing, feed everyone while looking after 2 toddlers and trying to breastfeed my 9 week old.

    All he tells me is that he has never heard of a wife with as much sabr as I have.

    When I complain, he tells me Allah puts it in his heart to buy her these things, and maybe I must ask Allah to put it in his heart to buy me things too.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2014

    Umm Zayna,
    Hi Welcome to the Blog. I read what u wrote to Shabanah.
    I will tell u girls all the same thing If u have talked to your husbands and they r acting like rocks then take matters into your own hands.I mean get creative to get your needs met.
    It will mean u have to push yourself on your hubby at times but so be it who cares right? There is no sense in living in pain and letting your hubby steal your Joy Heck no to that.I am a patient woman(well ok not really)lol but my point is this if u have talked to him and he disagrees then I personally take that as MY Que that hubs is as dumb as a rock on this issue or OH the poor man is retarded so I must fix this issue.I really do try to keep humor in it as much as I can.Humor is so much better than being upset and depressed if it is about sex and bedroom matters.
    Obviously some things are serious in life like Mira situation that is not a laughing matter and she will have to take action but not every situation must be taken so serious I feel.
    Write more about u I would love to read more.

  • Shabanah

    December 7, 2014

    Umm zayna. I feel your pain. The unfairness is emotioally and physically draining. May Allah keep you strong,steadfast and patient through this very difficult time.

  • Umm zaynah

    December 7, 2014

    Sis shabanah I am myself battling an situation I feel is unfair and I myself struggle sooo much and have two children also why I try to remain patient but it’s so hard, brother miss ur response was really benifical also, for me what I struggle with is the difference in time between me and my co wife I feel like she gets more time also I just feel like I always draw the short card when it comes to situations and I can’t understand why but I know I have to accept the qadr of Allah in all situations something I battle with to be honest. I become really upset and emotional when my husband comes across unfair and find it hard to control my emotion sometimes I feel it as a sign of disrespect. Please advise me how I can handle myself better ANSI I have tried to sit and talk to my husband but he’s like a stone can’t get much out of him he doesn’t think he is being unfair so I need to find a way where I can deal with it myself

  • Shabanah

    December 6, 2014

    As salaamu alaikum, JazakAllah khair for this perfect post. I feel at ease to know there are others who are battling my very difficulties. I’ve been married into polygamy for seven years now. I have two cowives and I’ve been through constant tests and trials with an unjust situation. I have two children so I remain steadfast and strong for them. Allah swt knows my situation. HE gives HIS hardest tests to those whom HE loves. This test can be very emotional. Shukran for all of the above posts I no longer feel alone.

  • Musa mohammed

    December 4, 2014

    Al humdulila

  • anabellah

    December 4, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Gail, traysi, Laila, Zaisha, Umm Zaynah and Musa mohammed, I’m happy to hear you all like the above post/thread, and found it helpful to you. It helps me when I write posts like it. It’s a reminder for me and I certainly need reminding.

    Laila,

    Yes, I do think fair and just is “subjective” and “hard”, as you said. Fair and just is not black and white as some people make it out to be or would like it to be. Some wives put undue pressure on husbands about them being fair and just when it’s all about the women’s wants and desires.

    What’s worse is some people think the concept of fair and just is specifically for polygamous marriages and most important when it comes to polygamous marriages; although, Allah stresses in the Quran that we should be just in all our dealings with everyone. Polygamous marriages do not have a special claim to justice. Allah in the Holy Quran says being just is next to piety.

  • Musa mohammed

    December 3, 2014

    Asa I really understand we’re the sisters stand about this topic, sometimes yes we all want give up on each other but as the topic stated who knows but Allah swt if the grass is greener on the other side you have to take that risk to see. Mite be good mite be ok mite be bad and you say all it wasn’t so bad after all. I spoke with my wife and tried explaining to her that if you trust me as your muslim brother to do everything in my power to get us to jenna that should be alright, rite? And basically she looked at me as to say boy please that’s so far away I’m talking about now, LOL – and that’s why I said I understand my sisters., it hurts because it seems like this life is so long and forever and you will have to suffer this hurt and pain for 100 years or so but really The Akirah ( here after) is right in your face and this small test my be what you need to please your Lord. Think about it. Our polygamous wives and single husband wives need to remind themselves they are the daughters of the believers and they are very special women in the site of Allah. And the polygamous wives need to remind them selves that the Prophet had 13 wives who were very loved and close to him which makes the current polygamous wives close and special to The Prophet saw because he said FOLLOW his Sunnah , he also went on to say the best of the men in the Ummah is the ones who take on 2-3-4 wives because they will have a lot of muslim children which will outnumber the Khafir on judgement day. So my dear respected sisters who are in these kind of marriages or may be asked to be apart of a polygamous marriage remind yourself that the Prophet saw did it and it wasn’t all peaches and cream but they loved and cherished each other for the sole sake of Allah swt and this is what gave us what we have today-Each Other. Muslims hold on to the rope of Allah and do NOT divide. I don’t know what I would do without my wives they are my world and I want them to know that everyday all so it won’t make them feel ashamed or belittled. AsA Bro Musa Mohammed.

    Great Topic SiS Ana this is needed for all of us to continue to be just and fair and kind with our beloved spouses. Ameen

  • Umm zaynah

    December 3, 2014

    Very good post ana I think the thing that hit out to me was maybe it’s a punishment from Allah, and it made me think of all the displeasing things I do astugfurallah May Allah forgive me and us all Ameen, but I moan about if my husband is just but I don’t fully give Allah he’s rights in the manner I’m suppose to. Jazakallah khairun for this post it’s amazing how a few words will make you contemplate everything

  • Zaisha

    December 2, 2014

    Assalam aleikum
    Ana I really appreciate for that topic it’s a compulsory for women’s to be patience in this situation cause good and bad is from Allah but same here for man is well if Allah bless him with 2,3,4 wives it’s test for him is well. When a man desire to marry more then one Allah blesses him with it and Allah put situations is well to see in these situations will he do justice or incline to one side which is perfect. That’s why in Quran says Mary women of your choice but if you fear you can’t deal with justice then only one.

  • Laila

    December 2, 2014

    I think fair is so hard and subjective don’t you think? But a real good post. I am eager to comment away.

  • traysi

    December 2, 2014

    Thank you for these plain and clear words. I have decided to stay and to trust Allah to bring into my life what HE wills.

  • Gail

    December 2, 2014

    Ana,
    Good post I think u wrote it at the perfect time.

  • anabellah

    December 2, 2014

    Didi,

    Thank you for your reply. I think the post is applicable in many aspects to what all wives experience in polygamous marriages in one form or another. The question arises-should she leave or should she stay when things aren’t going her way.

  • Didi

    December 2, 2014

    Yes I think this is my problem exactly. He says he is fair but I think otherwise. The only thing left for me to do is turn to Allah.