Husbands Who Promise not to Have Sex

Husbands who promise not to have sexThere are polygamous husbands who promise not to have sex with some of their wives. It usually happens when one wife tells the husband not to have sex with his other wife. Sometimes a woman will make it a condition that the man must abide by for her to accept being his second wife. Surprisingly, he agrees to the condition or he lies about it. For instance, he may say he won’t have sex with his other wife; however, once he marries the second one, he does.

I know that when a woman first finds herself in a polygamous marriage, the thought of her husband being intimate with his other wife is very painful for her. In fact, it causes her an extreme amount of heartache. It’s a severe pain that seems as though it will never end. However, I know, that in time, if a woman focuses on Allah and knows what our purpose in life is, her pain will go away completely.

We all need to know that our purpose in life is to serve and to worship Allah. When a wife knows it and does it, her husband being intimate with his other wife will no longer faze her. She won’t care about his other marriage. Rather, she would have peace, contentment and joy in her life. She would go about her life carefree. She would have no time to devote to trivial things.

Polygamous husbands who promise not to have sex with one of his wives at the request of another, hurts all parties involved

Polygamy is about a husband having more than one wife. It’s not about one wife replacing another. Nor is it about the husband having to dismiss the other wife or treat her badly.

A wife who asks her husband not to have sex with his other wife really needs to deal with this serious issue. The problem is the need for her husband to tell her that he has sex with only her. A wife shouldn’t need her husband to deny that he’s intimate with his other wife to make her happy.

Spouses having sex with each other is a natural, healthy part of a marriage. A wife is so wrong to encourage her husband to not have sex with his other wife. Why would she think that he shouldn’t have sex with his wife? The one who asks it hurts herself and can have no religious growth in her life when she thinks that way.

Polygamous husbands who promise not to have sex with his wife when his other wife asks him not to, causes an injustice

We’re supposed to want for our brothers and sisters-in-faith what we want for ourselves. If her husband were to tell his other wife that he doesn’t have sex with her, how would she like it? She needs to think about how she would feel if her husband wasn’t having sex with her. Particularly if he had made a promise to his other wife about it.

I know how I’d feel, if my husband made such a promise. It’s wrong. No wife who calls herself a Muslim should ask such a thing of her spouse. It would be best for her to have him not keep the promise. She has no right to tell that man not to have sex with his other wife. If she thinks any good will come to her with the mentality that she has, she better think again. After all, we should practice fairness and what is just.

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19 Comments

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Arzoo

    thanks si much for your advice

  • Jasmina

    December 26, 2016

    Fatima

    that was very inspiring that I stopped all communication whilst my husband is away and as I haven’t been the one to communicate he has been going crazy about it calling and messaging. I know he will come and try to turn it on me, when ever I have a valid reason to be upset he will bring up my faults and take focus away from me. 

    He is sending the nicest of messages to me now which is very rare. I do wonder what goes through his mind sometimes. 

    Fatima I hope that Allah gives you the strength to continue forward with your head held high and blossom.

    i remember there were two Fatimas here, which one are you? There was one that had left the husband and another who’s husband married a second wife and husband was ignoring her and what not. 

  • Arzoo

    December 25, 2016

    Jasmina, I know its hard to be in your situation. If your husband isnt meeting your needs for physical intimacy let him know about it so that its not happening because of lack of communication but dont beg for what is your right. If it comes to that make dua and beg for strength to not make your husband your lord. Its easier said than done but there is no reason to beg for something that is rightfully yours. May Allah gives you strength and makes your situation better.

  • Arzoo

    December 25, 2016

    Fatimah, what a powerful message you wrote! Keep doing what you are doing. I too think Allah helps those who have good intentions and make sincere efforts. This is what happens when you focus on Allah and not let anyone else become your lord be it a person, a bad habit or weakness.

  • Fatimah

    December 25, 2016

    Ana

    Shukran so much, I was smiling ear to ear. There is nothing like hearing the comforting words of Allah!  I’m so happy this blog is around for us to find some sense in the midst of the craziness! 

  • anabellah

    December 25, 2016

    Fatimah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thanks for sharing your good news with us. I’m so happy for you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifYou did it with the help and permission of Allah. Good for you.

    Don’t worry about not having a job yet. Persevere and be patient as you did when you wanted to leave the marriage. Keep turning to Allah. He hears you. He hears His servants as soon as they call on Him. He wants us to hear His call (to Islam). He wants us to do the things that He instructs of us in the Holy Quran. You’re going to be okay. Things happen in Allah’s time, not ours. It’s all good. Keep holding on  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Fatimah

    December 25, 2016

    Ana! Yes Allah is most kind! U probably don’t remember the advice you gave me bc you give so much,  Allah bless you. But I was talking of leaving and you said make your intentions a day Allah swt will let you know when the time was right. That moment came and I flew out that door, lmbo. Allah knew it was time and it was when HE felt it was best. I love and appreciate HIS decision. I continuously pray that what I’m doing now is for the best for myself and my children. I’m still working on my masters and shadowing a project manager for experience. Test and trials are never far from a believer, we go from one to the next but I still stand in gratitude.  I took steps w patience and prayer and Allah ta ala kept HIS promise. For all us ladies having difficulty,  know that Allah does not change a situation until we make efforts to change it ourselves. I say effort bc in reality, nothing we do is of our own accord. I’ve been applying for job after job to no avail. As frustrating as it is,  in the end I know it’s Allah’s plan but at least I’m trying and doing something about my situation.  A person can only do what we allow them to and if we keep doing the same thing, we will keep getting the same results. Keep striving for freedom against what is wrong. We can’t just sit and be mad about it. Flip the script on that man, give him something to think about! Make him wonder what the heck is going on. And even if there is no immediate change be comfortable with knowing you’re doing something. It’s hard ladies! Things are still hard even though I’m not around, however we can only be affected by what we give power to. ..that’s what I’m working on. Just being strong and fierce, .like don’t even mess with me! 

    Sister, don’t let your situation take a physical toll on your health. He can’t appreciate you for who you are, don’t want to be with you,  u have to beg for intimacy?? Time for change. Believe it or not, I suffered from the same until Allah helped me to gain lost confidence and then the tables turned. Allah had given me the control. It’s mind over matter and what we tell ourselves. My husband says he’s dying without me, oh yeah? ? You weren’t dying for me when I was around  so, suffer more hahhahahhaa. I often councel myself, talking to myself and telling myself what I need to do to beat this and be strong. I have weak moments but the blessing is being able to get back up and seeing Allah swt through it all. Although I haven’t been on here for some time,  Allah knows what a tremendous source of help it has been for me. I pray that when I return that HE does not put me back in the same situation where HE took me from and if so that HE continuously gives me the strength to make the necessary changes needed to survive. 

     

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Mari2,

    Try not to let it disrupt your sleep. It’s his problem to worry about how they will fair financially. It’s not as though she is a sister-in-faith and you’re all trying to help one another seeking the good pleasure of Allah. He, his other and his mother are doing the cultural thing. He’s doing everything in his power to take care of his mother and his other, which wouldn’t be a problem if he did right by you. You said you like the arrangement as it is, but still, I think you should be as much of a priority for him as she is.

    She’s coming to the States as if it’s royalty coming to America. Nothing about it moves me. Although, I guess it really shouldn’t. It’s not happening to me… I care about people on this blog and others, but I’m not feeling anything at the thought of your co coming here or staying there or anywhere. Those are my two cents about the matter.

  • Mari2

    December 24, 2016

    Today M finally told me that 2 will arrive here in 3 weeks time.  I figured /knew he was stressed.  Oddly enough, I really dont care about her physical arrival.  That is easy enough to get over, really.  What keeps me up at night and invades my dreams is the financial ramifications for him.  But there is but  only so much I can offer or and willing to.  And he refuses to listen.

     

  • anabellah

    December 24, 2016

    Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, sister,

    It has been a long, long time since we last heard from you. Your post brought a smile to my face. You sound chipper and happy. Alhumdulliah! :-)

    I hear you loud and clear. I don’t know how any woman who calls herself a Muslim could ask her husband not to do his duty (ask him not to have sexual relations) with his wife. It has to be one cold heart, selfish, wicked woman to ask such a thing of her polygamous husband.

    I don’t know what the husband was thinking to honor such a terrible, awful request. That’s crazy. He needs to just divorce the woman, if it comes to that.

    There are some women who probably wouldn’t care that he doesn’t bother her for sex. However, most women do. Most women especially care when her husband takes on another wife. Some women need to know that he’s getting it else where so they wake up. They needed that reality to re-ignite the fire in their marriage.

  • Fatimah

    December 24, 2016

    As salaamu Alaikum sisters in faith! Omg, it’s been such a long time since I’ve last posted. So much has happened and no one probably remembers me, lmbo. But I had to post when I got this in my email box. As a first wife, I know first hand the pain and hurt we feel at just the very thought of our husband being with someone else but  I’m like come on ladies, we can’t be so seriouslyinto this guy that we ask him to be unfair to someone when we’d hate it ourselves! Where is the fear in Allah swt? As much as I’d hope and wished it would all go awsy, at the end of the world, we will stand before Allah swt aand answer for our mis deeds. Id hate if my husband made a ridiculous covenant behind my back. We have to fear Allah’s Karma bc it’s real. What goes around comes around and that is a fact of life. It all comes to wanting for your sister what you want for yourself. I can’t say I love the situation but I have to be real. Anyway ladies,  take care and Allah comfort all the aching hearts!

  • Mari2

    December 23, 2016

    Jasmina,

    Dont take it personally.  

  • Jasmina

    December 22, 2016

    I will add that it’s not like he avoids me completely if I insist enough he will which is why I doubt he has that arrangement but I don’t know. Maybe he lacks libido or like u said the other over works him lol.

  • Jasmina

    December 22, 2016

    I could probably live knowing he made that kind of arrangement but not knowing that he no longer loves me anymore. 

  • Jasmina

    December 22, 2016

    I have a problem and that’s I don’t know if my husband has made an agreement like this with the other wife or if he just simply doesn’t love me anymore.

    a while back he was away for weeks which I told you about well when he came back it was same old, no hugs, no kisses, no I missed you, never says I love u so that didn’t surprise me. But also he avoided sex. At one point I noticed him giving a grossed out look as he glanced at my body and I know I’m two dress sizes above my normal weight but I’m still under 60kg I’m just not toned like I used to be and I’m working on it now as he said that if I toned up he would smile forever. I accepted that and have been working out but was hurt that after not seeing me for so long he wasn’t interested in me at all. I’ve had to beg him for intimacy at time, I won’t anymore but I ashamedly have.  I dress up now a lot too but I haven’t tried many different looks as my budget is limited and clothing and makeup is ridiculously expensive.

    i have wondered if he made an arrangement like what you mentioned here with the other wife. Or I’m wondering if he just plain doesn’t love me, there’s no feeling there. Him coming home, and being intimate and just spending time with me must all be a chore for him. I’m starting to think he’s not happy with me. I’ve recently tried everything, it hurts me so much to be rejected so much, I’m starting to consider leaving him. 

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    A woman who asks her husband or expects him not to have sex with his other wife, is not in a “polygamous marriage”. It’s more so that she has accepted the situation so that she could have the man. It has nothing to do with accepting polygamy and believing in it as a part of our religion Islam that she wants to embrace. It’s more so that she says she’ll go with it so that the two of them could be together. It’s really not about Islam at all. It’s a convenience. It’s something the Muslim man and Muslim woman “cherry pick”. It’s like saying, for instance, this part will work for us, let’s do it…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    December 21, 2016

    Concerned, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I hear you about how you think you’d feel if your husband made a promise like that. I’d imagine it would hurt the average woman to find out that her husband had promised such a thing to another one of his wives.

    It’s especially wrong because Allah plainly and clearly tells us in the Holy Quran not to make something unlawful that He has made lawful. He has made it lawful for a husband to have sex with his wives. It’s expected that husbands and wives will have sexual relations with each other. It is a mutual right.

    Many times people throw the “rights” word around loosely, but it’s not used loosely in terms of sex between spouses. Of course, there are natural things that may interfere with some husbands and wives having it, but overall it’s a natural and God given “right” that He’s given husbands and wives.

    There are basic needs such as food, shelter, and clothing. Sex is another one.

  • Concerned

    December 20, 2016

    Mari2

    I know what you mean. Im sensitive ‘down there’ too. I suffered quite badly with recurrent infections after my husband married again. It got to the point I knew when they was intimate cuz a few days after intercourse Id get problems. I got over the embarrassment (after some years) and told my husband, the problems stopped so I guess they use condoms, dont have sex or iv got used to her germs. Its not a washing issue from my husband because hes very clean (water can only do so much) . I think you’d know more from Your line of work. 

    Ana

    I couldn’t imagine being a wife and finding out my husband had promised not to be intimate with me. Id literally flip out. Id probably call her myself and give her a piece of my mind. If you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen. One wife should not have to suffer because another cant handle her husbands intimacy. A wife should encourage her husband to either lie or refrain from sex with his other wife. Yep, its sooooo wrong. 

  • Mari2

    December 20, 2016

    Word.  I never thought for a moment that when M married his cousin he would not have relations with her.  Nor did he try to tell me he didnt.  However, I did resent a text he sent me after they were wed, and I assume he meant best, where he compared my body to hers.  I was very forthcoming and told him I was uncomfortable with the TMI.  It wasnt helpful to me our our marriage to share things I had no need of knowing.

    However, 2 will be here soon.  And while I harbor no doubt that M and she will be intimate, I have worries physically for my own self.  I am one of those people who have, how can I explain this.. I have a vagina with a delicate set of flora and fauna.  The slightest change in my vaginal PH can mess me up.  I never use soap.  I can only wear certain fabric underwear that is only laundered with particular detergents.  Taking antibiotics can cause a serious yeast infection and or UTI.  

    In the first 2 months that M came back 2 years ago after marrying his cousin, I had reoccuring MERSA infections on my abdomen, inner thighs and pubic bone area.  Though repeated tests show that I do not carry MERSA, years later I still have issues so I must use hibicleanse whenever I shave/remove hair.  Painfully annoying.  But the occurrences have decreased greatly during the past two years which is good.

    But my biggest fear when 2 arrives is not whether or not they will be intimate.  Of course they will.  THAT I can deal with.  My troubling issue is the affect their intimacy will have on me physically.  M has already told me that 2 has had numerous bouts of bacterial vaginosus (sp?).  Ugh.  I wonder if I can ask M to take 2 to a gyn here and have her cleaned up if necessary if she has a medical issue.  Other than that, I really dont know what else to do besides dousing him with hibicleanse and making him wear a condom.