Intimacy Issues Visit Polygamy

intimacy issues visit polygamyOn this blog, we have heard that intimacy issues visit polygamy sometimes. Some wives say they want their husband to have more intimacy with them. They think he is too tired for it or maybe he has more of it with his other wife than with her. She may think he is not attracted to her any longer.

When intimacy issues visit polygamy in that the husband is not attentive to his wife, the wife looks for answers. She asks why it is and what she should do. I must say, there is more to think about than counseling or dressing sexy to seduce him or trying new positions etc. A wife needs to know what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran. He says we will not enter Paradise without making sacrifices like those who came before us. The Prophets of Allah and those who followed them made sacrifices solely so they could enter Paradise.

When intimacy issues visit polygamy, wives must ask themselves if it is a means to grow nearer to Allah

Allah tries us by way of our desires. If something happens that isn’t very important to us, it would not be a test, would it? We get tested with what means most to us. It desires that mean the most to us. For many women a marriage is most important to her. When a wife has a husband who does not satisfy her sexual desires, it could very well be a test that Allah has given her. Allah says He tests us with one another. A wife could very well be tested by Allah by way of her husband when intimacy issues visit polygamy.

Life isn’t always the way we want it. We don’t control our lives. If a wife thinks she has control, one day she will get a wake-up call. She will find out that she does not control anything. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran that we can bring no good or harm to ourselves or others unless He wills it. What happens between a husband and a wife happens because Allah willed it.  Allah wills all things.

When intimacy issues visit polygamy, how do the wife get through it?

A wife needs to sacrifice some of her desires if her goal is to enter Paradise. If she opposes Allah with her desires, according to Allah, she is one who rejects faith. Her faith decreases. If she accepts what Allah has decided for her, she increases in faith.  Allah will change her condition. She will get relief, comfort, ease, and peace in her life.

If a husband isn’t intimate with his wife the way she wants it from him, it’s because Allah decreed it. Maybe the husband simply isn’t able to. When intimacy issues visit polygamy, Allah decreed it. Exercise patience, and Allah will improve your condition. Allah loves the patient ones.

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61 Comments

  • ummof4

    January 22, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Jasmina, this is so ridiculous I could not even laugh. It definitely sounds like it was written be someone with a Victorian attitude. Alhamdulillah, this attitude is not from Islam. Husbands and wives should look forward to and enjoy sex.

    Unfortunately, in some cultures this attitude is still taught to women and men. So, wives are inhibited when it comes to having sex with their husbands, so they won’t be thought of as “bad girls.” Husbands feel that it is okay to have sex outside of marriage with a “bad girl”. The wives ignore their husband’s adultery, because they have preserved their “good girl” image.

    Islam gives us the best guidance to follow, including the topic of having sex. There are ayats in the Qur’aan and hadeeth on the topic, some of which are extremely explicit. Bottom line, Allah created men and women so husbands and wives can enjoy being with each other. If the husband is concerned about pleasing his wife and the wife is concerned about pleasing her husband, sex is a memorable experience to be shared over and over and over and over and over again. As a wise person once said, “For a man, it is nothing to have sex with 1,000 different women in a lifetime. However, it takes work, effort, commitment and love to have mutually satisfying sex with the same woman (his wife) for more than 1,000 times in their lifetimes.”

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    The way sexual practices change throughout the years is one reason I spoke of the sexual practices during the time of the Prophet Muhammad and the first generation of Muslims in my other post. The men spent a lot of time at war and propagating Islam. It was their priority.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2016

    Jasmina,

    The article that you shared was interesting. I know years ago, and not that long ago husbands and wives had separate beds. My mom’s first cousin and his wife graduated from separate beds in the same room to having separate bedrooms all together. It’s interesting how things change over the years with people and sex. In my mother’s generation female teens in high school got a bad reputation, if they had sex without being married that was evidenced by teenage pregnancy. Those women were the talk of the town. Now a day in the US teens and everyone else have sex as though they are trying out different restaurants and different types of food. If it’s good they go back. Sexual practices differ and changes depending on the times, geographics and culture.

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2016

    jasmina,

    It’s not too long. Thank you for sharing it. I will have to come back and read it 🙂

  • jasmina

    January 21, 2016

    I will jump in and share this I found… I could not stop laughing. Written in 1894 – My grandma has never been seen naked by her husband and she said this out loud one day as on of my aunts was about to go get changed with her husband in the room… my aunt laughed and said no wonder grandpa went to the pole women…

    SORRY THAT”s SO LONG…. Don’t have to publish…

    INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE

    To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

    At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

    On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

    It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

    Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

    Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

    Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

    By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

    Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

    Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

    A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

    Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

    When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

    If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

    If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

    Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

    She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

    One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.

  • Number4

    January 20, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. ..

    @Gail

    I feel that sex at any time is always about mens pleasure. I think we tend to put the ancient people on a cloud thinking they were different.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Gail,

    Girrl, you summed up my feelings exactly. Watching it on TV was one thing. It was an awesome show, but, Little did I know….. LOL I hear ya. Our lives mirrored that one.

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Ana,

    Yes that is exactly how i feel about old muslim guys acting like they have to have virgin women when they themselves are not virgins and second are old as dirt.I mean give me a break.Any young girl that falls for that or her parents is crazy if u ask me.I would never marry my virgin daughter to a 40 plus older man get real!
    People r nuts I tell ya NUTS!!!
    As far as husbands being tired and it feeling like I job yeah i am certain it is that way in Polygamous marriages.Women for sure make it a competition in the sex dept.as well.We all been there we all know it or at least thought it.
    I loved the HOB serious”Big Love” as well it was awesome but little did I know that time my husband would confess about his Polygamy.That time in my life was so devastating to me.Polygamy was cool to watch on TV but i never dreamed in a million yrs I was going to find my own Polygamy drama.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    One last thing for the moment LOL

    While the old men are marrying up all the young, virgin girls, who are the young, virgin boys and the older women marrying???

    Why can’t the young, virgin boy marry the young, virgin girl?

    NOooo the OLD greedy men marry the young, virgin girls. They say the old women are too old for them, but their @$$es are old.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Gail,

    It is quite sad that your ex-co-wife is only in her 30s and, to most, is consider too old for marriage. The sad part is many Muslim out there say they follow “the Sunnah” of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They are quick to say it. Yet, why aren’t they marrying older women, widows and divorcees the way the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did????

    Furthermore, they quote the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as having said that men should marry young virgins so they could play with them. REALLY??? It’s darn right calling the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) a hypocrite. He didn’t just marry young virgin girls to play with them. Only one was a young virgin who was offered to him by his companion Abu Bakr.

    That saying that is tossed around so freely about marrying the young virgin girls goes against what Allah says in the Holy Quran about who to marry. Allah, in the Quran, tells us who to marry and it’s not about a young virgin girl. I think men made that one up for their own benefit. Allah, in the Holy Quran says to follow the ways of the Prophets (PBUH). What he says in the Quran can be relied upon 100%

    Gail, your ex-co is not alone in finding herself an old maid, spinster according to Muslim men. One doesn’t face it very often in the United States. Divorcee, older women and widows marry easily in the United States. They don’t get that stigma that is attached in so called “Muslim” countries.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    I’m sure we’ve all heard of women who want a baby badly. They keep track of their ovulation period etc. They try to have sex regularly in an effort to conceive. The husband often times avoid sex, knowing the reason she wants it. The impression I get is that the man feels it is a chore for him to have sexual relations with her. It’s not an enjoyable experience for him any longer. It’s not something that he looks forward to.

    I state it only to say sexual issues effect all types of relationships. It happens in a monogamous marriage, polygamous marriage or a relationship in which the couple live together and aren’t married.

    There are a collage of problems associated with sexual intimacy that effects marriages in general.

    Most men want to connect with their women to express love. If conception occurs during the course of it and they want a child, it’s a beautiful thing. When it’s just natural, it’s nice.

    I think all men and women who are married know that sexual relations comes with the territory and they should try to satisfy one another. Communication is key in helping to resolve issues.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Alison, hey you, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I’m so happy you popped in

    Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Insha Allah, I’ll keep them coming.

    I pray all is good with you and yours. May Allah continue to bless, protect and guide you, my dear sister.

    Love you lots

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Gail,

    What you experienced in your previous marriage is a prime example of how things aren’t all rosy and ideal when it comes to sex. You weren’t in a polygamous marriage at the time. Your husband had an illness that interfered in you and him having sex. I don’t know if it was all about the diabetes or his libido was low on top of it or became lower with it. I’m not up to snuff on the condition (diabetes). Yet, you said you must have only had sex 10 times throughout your 20s. Well, eventually the tide turned. You divorced, married again, and have sex often. It goes to show we don’t know what is in store for us.

    I think back to how it must have been in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Those men were so busy propagating Islam and going to war. Were they really into sex for pleasure the way people are today? The media has made everything about sex. Sex sales. Was sex that important to men over 1500 years ago. Of course sex is a basic need and it’s a beautiful thing between a husband and a wife. Was sex back then, more so seen as a means to procreate and have pleasure while trying to make it happen?

    No one plans the things that happen to them that they don’t want, so why do people think they plan the things that they do want? I suppose it’s because they feel pro-active in it. It (the things we want and the things that we do not want) all happens the same way. There is a Master Planner who is Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Gail,

    It’s funny. I used to watch the show, “Big Love”. It was a good show. It was before I got involved in looking into the subject of polygamy, as I had no need. Anyhow, it showed Bill being tired a lot. He’d sneak into the bathroom before time for bed, and would take a Viagra. One night it was the oldest wife’s turn. He came to bed with his pajamas on. She said something like are you going to wear those tonight? He looked so tired when he began to take them off. I guess they were trying to portray that he just wanted to go to sleep that night. He had three wives.

    I’m sure some wives in polygamous marriages think Or say and think about their husbands, don’t come here and be tired. Some women may feel undesirable if he doesn’t pursue her on her night. She may think the other wife was giving it too him so much that he got tired. She may think that when her night rolled around he had nothing left to give. Men need time for their juices to replenish.

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2016

    Gail,

    Sex probably does become a JOB for many men in polygamous marriages. Instead of it being something that just naturally happens, he has to fulfill a demand. It’s not fun and exciting for him any longer. He probably becomes stressed. It’s one thing to pursue pleasure but another to be pressured to perform. He’s getting too much of a good thing. After a while he may not want it any longer or doesn’t get the pleasure from it that he used to. He may welcome the days his wives are on their menses.

    I’m not making excuses for the men. I’m just trying to let the ladies see what could be happening, if they aren’t getting it like they want it or used to get it. What happens is life. No one can live by a manual of how to do things, unless, of course, it’s the Quran.

  • Alison

    January 19, 2016

    Mashaallah great article not sure how I missed this but alhamdulilah I got to see it. A reminder that we need for sure
    Thanks for this ana keep them coming in shaa Allah. We appreciate how you outline the issues and your experience is really a plus for us giving us hope that one day we going to get there. Love you lots.May Allah reward you abundantly

  • Number4

    January 19, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh,

    Lol @ Gail, .,,

    I’m feeling that Comment!!!

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Number4 and Ana,

    Logically speaking the man is going to be tired at times and need a break I think we all get it.I do think sex also becomes like a job in Polygamous marriages and a competition between wives at times.I personally never had that problem but I could see where it could and would happen.
    Now i will say this in m marriage unless I am angry or he is angry we pretty much have sex daily and I know that is alot as compared to most couples but In saying that I feel I have the higher sex drive between the two of us(not always but most of the time) Now in saying that if he don’t feel in the mood he will still satisfy me sooo in saying that I think couples should satisfy the other even if they don’t feel like it out of love and respect for their spouse.
    Now in saying all this in my first marriage I went for years without sex.My first husband was diabetic and he rarely desired sex.I might have had sex 10 times all throughout my 20s.It was a rare occurance.lol
    So the moral of this story is buy a toy and when hubby is to tired hand it to him and tell him to get to work.LOL

  • Gail

    January 19, 2016

    Ana,

    When I said my excowife was living a carefree life I meant that she don’t have the burden of raising the kids or their education or well anything to be frank.I don’t know if she is miserable or not but I doubt she is because she has not contacted me.Knowing her the way I do had she been to miserable she would have contacted me.
    I heard through hubby which heard through family members awhile back that she was trying to hook up with a cousin that was from England and she has some cousins in USA but that was like awhile back.I know sense then her mom has tried to marry her off to another cousin that lives behind my husbands house in Pakistan but they did not accept her and married another girl.I do believe she is having a hard time to get remarried from the reports I have been told through hubby.Now that she is in her 30s I don’t know how much luck she is going to have to find a decent husband if truth be told.I guess eventually they will find someone not sure.I try not to think to much about it simply because I become stressed out.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    I think what happens, as well, in some polygamous marriages,is the one wife wants to make sure the other wife isn’t getting anymore sex than she is. She, therefore, may want to have sex with him every night that he is with hers, except when she is on her menses. She may not really want it, but will have it anyhow to keep up. She wants to make sure she gets her share. Imagine if he does have four wives and they all make sure they are getting theirs – at least the same as what they IMAGINE the others are getting. Do ya think he will be tired sometimes? LOL He does probably work and have other activities, duties and responsibilities outside the home.

    Then there is the wife that want to rock his world to the point he has nothing left for his other wife. She intentionally tries to wear him out, so that he is too tired to do anything with the other. We’ve heard from wives here on the blog who says their husbands come home and are so tired that they just goes to sleep.

    There was one wife here over a year ago, who was older and her husband was the same age as her. He married an 18 or 19 year old as a second wife. He was really into the young girl. It was obvious. He had to see her everyday. He’d come home to his older wife and did what? He’d go to sleep. He was tired. Of course she complained, but it did no good. What was left at that point? I think she’d have to accept, be patient and pray to Allah for a change. If it doesn’t get better and she doesn’t want to live that way, she has the option of divorce. I mean, she went to the Imam for help and tried everything possible. She was wavering between leaving and staying.

    It really isn’t all that cut and dry in polygamous marriages.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts about sex and intimacy. I agree with you that a wife who feels her sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled should speak with her husband about it. I think she should speak up and speak with him about anything that she is inspired to talk with him about. If she’s dissatisfied with something, Insha Allah, she should speak up and be heard.

    You said, “to go without intimacy isn’t just.” Do you mean never have it at all? I think first one needs to look at MONOGAMOUS marriages. I don’t know the statistics, but in the United States there are many couples who experience sexual Issues in their marriages. Many go to counseling for it. There are many books written on the subject. I’m sure there are a lot on line about it. A husband may want more sex than his wife is giving him. The wife may want more sex than her husband is giving her. Maybe neither of them want sex anymore and they think something is wrong. The husband may be impotent. The wife may have vaginal or uterine problems. Many men in monogamous marriages are on the prescription drug, “Viagra”. Sometimes the husband just isn’t attracted to the wife any longer. Sometimes the wife isn’t attracted to the husband any longer or they lose their desire. They have all kinds of problems/issues.

    A man isn’t a machine. To say he should go get busy with his wife whenever she has the need even especially if she has an active libido is a bit simplistic and unrealistic. Women who marry a married man should expect that there will be times when he may be tired or not in the mood the same as with women. Some times women are tired or just not in the mood. He’s not a robot. If men in monogamous marriages experience intimacy issues, it’s reasonable to expect that the men in polygamous marriages will, as well.

    Let’s take into consideration the women who live in different countries than their husbands. Some, for instance, only see their husbands a couple of times a years for a month each time. They don’t have their husband there with them regularly to satisfy their desires.

    Some go with the saying, not in the Quran, that a woman should give her husband sex whenever he wants it. In the Quran Allah says that the husband may APPROACH his wife anytime he wants in a lawful manner. APPROACH and get are two different things.

    I’ve already shared my views in the post. Allah says that He tests us with one another. He says we can’t enter Jannah/Paradise without being tested. Intimacy problems for Muslim/BELIEVERS could be a test. For others, it could be a punishment. Allah tests and punishes whom He wills. Allah will take His believing servant through the test. What they don’t get in this life, the believer will get in Jannah/Paradise. I believe Allah decides all things. He decides what happens with sex and intimacy, as well. He decides when we have it, how we have it, and how often we have it. Those who knows what Allah says don’t need to go to counseling for it. There guidance is in the Quran.

    For the wife who is dissatisfied or unsatisfied with her husband and has intimacy/sexual issues with him that she can’t seem to get resolved, always has the old standby go to – DIVORCE. To expect a man to perform and be at her beck and call when she gets the itch, well??? It’s the same as a man expecting it. It’s just unreasonable and unrealistic. Those are just my thoughts about what you stated.

  • Number4

    January 18, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuh…
    I believe that Allah is loving and it isn’t necessary to be long suffering. Intimacy and sex is a big part of communication in a marriage. So if the husband isn’t meeting a wife’s needs she should be able to speak honestly about it without hurting his feelings.
    It’s difficult enough to share a husband, but to go without intimacy isn’t just.
    In cases where some Wives are no longer interested in sex, husbands may hold them while they relax or sleep, and maybe still enjoy good conversation, this is part of intimacy too. On the other hand a wife who has a good active libido should not have to ignore that as it is also part of her identity. As a wife one has rights and some of them include sex and intimacy with the husband.

    A man who isn’t satisfied would go to another wife, and possibly divorce one who no longer interest him, which is wrong and inhumane but it happens.

    Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    November 15, 2015

    Gail,

    I have never felt sorry for you. I think about you often and I’m concerned for you, and want to know that you are okay, but feeling sorry – NO. You have been a part of this blog family for a very long time. I would feel a deep loss, if you were to leave the blog. You give good advice and you are a lot of fun. You can be serious and funny at the same time 🙂 Anyhow, count me out as one who feels sorry for you. I’m not the feel sorry for others type of person. I know you are a strong willed, determined individual, and have been through and is going through a lot. We’re going to go through stuff in life. It’s life. We either focus or fold when under pressure.

    About your co “hanging out living a carefree life”, I don’t know that it is the case, nor do you. We aren’t there to witness it. How carefree and happy could she really be living in a poor village, without a husband and without her children? You advised us that divorce is taboo in Pakistan. She is a divorcee. Her husband didn’t care enough about her to keep her even in a polygamous marriage. He wanted rid of her completely. Now, that’s a blow for a woman’s ego and self-esteem. The grass always looks greener on the other side, until you get over there.

    I never saw you as a cruel person. She only wanted what she wanted and nothing less. All I’ve hearing about many Pakistani people from poor places or villages is they want the “American Dream” or the pie in the sky or whatever you want to call it. It’s no different than what most people want. It’s how one goes about getting it that matters.

  • Jasmina

    November 15, 2015

    Yes the key phrase you said is …. Concerning himself with this worlds life. What a huge mistake. Living in the best part of the world with all the riches of the world cannot undo the pain he has caused. May Allah guide us all to the straight path.

  • Gail

    November 14, 2015

    Ladies,

    Do not and I repeat do not feel sorry for me.I could have left and divorced when I come to know the truth I didn’t I stuck it out for the sake of my kids.
    I felt religiously compelled to do so.I don’t regret my choice.I do regret that my excowife has had to suffer but believe me I am not the one who has made her suffer she has caused that on herself.
    If she contacted me today I would speak to her and let the kids chat with her skype u name it.Don’t think I am a cruel person I am so opposite of that.Had she wanted Polygamy she would still be with us today.
    If anyone was cruel I see she was the one that was cruel because I had to go through Cancer and GP plus homeschool my kids deal my house u name it.Where is she ? She is hanging out living a carefree life thats what she is doing.

  • Gail

    November 14, 2015

    jasmina,

    What Ana stated is correct.I tried to save the family and offered to try to polygamy.I couldn’t live it according to Islam because I am not a Muslim understand.When I figured out everything the two of them had done and hubby was trying to come clean about it my mind started swirling.I knew nothing about polygamy or how to practice it and neither did they.Yeah we had been living together off and on for 8 yrs but they were cousins and I am not a hard person(although it comes across that way) I mean really come on who lets their husbands exwife live with them.I don’t know to many.
    My point is u r looking at Polygamy though Islamic eyes and I don’t agree with Islamic Polygamy so this is why u see me as hard and rigid.I offered to build her a brand new home in Islamabad Pakistan all she had to do was keep her 2 kids.She flat told me no because she wanted to immigrate to USA and I flat told her she can’t immigrate here.She got really angry and said why not and I proceeded to explain to her I would have to divorce hubby or him divorce me and I was not willing to do that and I asked him in front of her if he was willing and he said no never.Do not think for one second I took her kids from her I even offered to give her kids back even after I adopted them but she refused to keep them and told me straight she was not keeping them and told me to take them back to USA.I told her straight don’t do this hubby is going to give u oral talaq and divorce u.She didn’t believe me and the night before we got on a plane to back home to USA he gave her oral talaq 3 times to her face and gave in her hand her Pakistani divorce paper.She cried and he left the room and I told her straight if she had listened to me and kept the kids he would not have given her oral talaq.She never listened to me and she ended up on the spot she is today.
    I am going to say something here that may not sit well with u Muslim ladies but had she listened to me a Non Muslim she would have her kids today be married and living either here in USA or in the very best area in Pakistan.I don’t care what religion u are the truth is the truth and I was telling her the truth.Even I was fighting with my own soul because I was angry with her and hubby for lying with me and using me.I was pissed because I saw my sons face understand? I have a child with my husband and I felt horrible for him that his father was such a damn devil and his parents and my cowife is my sons biological second cousin.It was a huge F@cked up mess and still is.Try to understand excowife’s mother is my biological sons great auntie(who hates my son for ever being born).This runs deep and I had no choice but to pull rank that time and I don’t have any regrets.I was trying to save her but she didn’t want to be saved she thought her path was better than mine and took it and now she will cry all the life.Is that my fault when I tried to stop her???
    The only way it would have worked is if she would have trusted on me but she didn’t she trusted on hubby and he gave her the ax.
    He gave her the ax because she demanded either he divorce me or divorce her and this came after she figured out she was not going coming to USA.
    She wanted no part in Polygamy and she took a gamble he would pick her over me and lost.It really is that simple.
    Now do I think I won some prize no way.I just am dealing a bad situation and trying to keep my kids together and raise them right and against all odds.
    Even I told hubby to forgive her take her back etc.. and for the last 3 yrs we have fought like cats and dogs because I stick up for her but he has zero interest and i finally said screw it.I have my own health to think about(I was diagnosed with cancer back in april and GP two months ago) so I don’t have time to deal her anymore.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2015

    I mean I was acting emotionally, not rationally. I was wrong.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2015

    She’s not Muslim. There is no compulsion for anyone to be one, according to what Allah says in the Holy Quran. Gail has simply been and still is being Gail. I say, to each his or her own. As Allah says in an ayah in Quran, say “to you your way and to me mine.” “I wii not worship what you worship and you not worship what I worship.”

    There was a time I defended Gail co saying to the effect poor Muslim sister, acting emotionally, not rationally. There are stories in the Quran advising against it. The stories of Prophet David (PBUH) and Prophet Moses (PBUH) to name a couple.

  • anabellah

    November 14, 2015

    It is a huge mess. He went and got Gail. He and she kept their marriage a secret from Gail. He’s gone along with all Gail has done. He in a sense has sold his soul to Satan only concerning himself with this world’s life. He himself tells Gail that he is going to go to Hell. He apparently is okay with it.

  • jasmina

    November 14, 2015

    I see, so they both went in search of a woman to fool so they could get out of whatever hole they live in? What a mess. No comment.

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2015

    The co may may not be any better than Gail. Just saying someone is Muslim means nothing. One is either a believer or not.

  • anabellah

    November 13, 2015

    The way I see it is Gail’s ex-co is not innocent in this matter at all. You said you haven’t read all of Gail’s posts. Her now ex-co was in with the Husband on deceiving Gail and using her for immigration. She wanted to use Gail the same as many of the Pakistani men and their cousin/women do with regard to foreign women. But it all just simply backfired on the co. She didn’t want to cooperate with Gail, but only wanted her divorced so she could step into Gail’s shoes. You need to consider as well that she signed adoption papers over allowing Gail to adopt her child. No one forced her to do that, to the best of my knowledge. Allah says those who plot evil the evil will hem in the author thereof. So you have to consider that the co is getting her due. We all get our due when we do wrong. A lot of the Pakistani people are steeped in culture and Islam has nothing to do with their life other than superficially.

  • Jasmina

    November 13, 2015

    Gail I feel so sorry for your ex-co. No woman wants to live under another one. She was young of course she was going to act out. How can it be that she had a $h** marriage, gets a divorce and on top of it loses access to her kids. Thast evil and unjust. I would be in a mental institution if that happened to me allahualem. Because she refused to be your puppy. She is our sister in Islam where is the compassion for one another. Just imagine if the roles were reversed, your husband took u to Pakistan and made u live under her shoes because she was a successful business woman with lots of property and so u had to just tag along and do as she say, yet u oppose it eventually and demand to be treated fairly in the probably crazy depressed state u would be by that point, yet u end up getting divorced and to top it off your husband sends you packing back to America and keeps your child.

    Maybe I am wrong as I haven’t read all your Posts but from I have read this is the image I am getting and it feels awful to think of her suffering without a future and kids. Someone takes my kids I could kill. It’s aweful. I have a friend who lost her kids to her deceased husbands family and I know how much she has suffered.

  • Gail

    November 8, 2015

    Mari2,

    I liked your post and yes every marriage is different.Yeah I know how hard it is for woman in Pakistan once they have been divorced.Here is the thing though I do feel sorry for them but in most cases alot of crap leads up to divorced in most cases before it ever takes place.
    I know in my case My excowife didn’t believe my husband would divorce her because she is his cousin soooo this set her up to act like a little devil.She started demanding he divorce me or divorce her thinking he would force his hand well it is did she ended up being the one to get the Axxxx.When she figured out what happened with her it was to late all she could do was sit and cry at what happened to her.
    My point is had she been that scared of getting divorced she would have treated me better and she would have bent over backwards to make sure her and I got along if for nothing else but to save her own A$$ is my sincere thinking.
    I really think Pakistani woman just don’t accept Polygamy and when Polygamy enters their world they do everything to get rid of the other wife espppp if the other wife happens to be foreign like in mine and your cases.
    Also look at your cowife.She is not trying to reach out to u she don’t even want to talk to does this seem normal behavior for a woman if divorced will be ruined? Yeah it true they will be viewed as a finished woman for the most part and she will only have hope if maybe a cousin will pick her up for marriage or some low level poor man basically but that sure don’t seem to stop them from acting out and putting their marriages on the line and in most cases causing their own divorces.
    Look it is very simple had my cowife listened to me done like I told her to keep her two kids and let me take my son and come back to USA and work for one season so I could build a home in ISB Baria(we had picked out Baria thinking the kids would love it) She would not be divorced today.She didn’t want to follow me and had her own agenda which she gambled on and lost big time.
    Everyone says Oh Gail she had rights to not live under u and I agree with that her alternative was either live under me and save herself so she could raise her kids and not have the stigma of divorce or try to get rid of me and risk divorce herself.She did the latter and ended up divorced herself.Thats the truth in it.
    I will be honest I think she was a D@mn fool because I was willing to make her life so easy and get her out of the inlaws clutches which she desperately wanted but I needed her to be loyal to the family and to me and she just was mentally immature and wanted to get rid of me so she could sit her A$$ on my spot.Meaning she wanted my business and money and properties all in her hand.I told her straight it was never going to happen and I told her and husband She would have to walk under me period the end or step off so hubby divorced her.

  • Fatimah

    November 8, 2015

    Wow, these are heavy posts! ! Ana and Laila, ur so right about the fact that no one can be forced to do anyyyything. Right or wrong. Yea we have rights, and yep, the rights get violated bc its Allah’s decree and no one else. Its a test for the victim and a test for the wrong doer….men are going to be unjust, jerks, etc regardless of what Allah says.

    Jasmina

    Your last post about being loyal to a man ever again bit home for me. I spent yeeeeeaaarrsss chasing my husband for love and attention. Allah left me to my own unhappiness and misery. All for my husband to turn around and diss me. Im telling you, we only hurt ourselves and have to be constantly vigilant in our focus and remembrance of Allah swt. It sounds great to live in a world where hubs is just perfect but its not a reality. Perfect if our rights were exercised but that’s just not real. Anyway, these are excellent posts to reflect. Glad Allah allowed me the opportunity to read them in hopes that inshaALLAH there will be good in it for me.

  • jasmina

    November 7, 2015

    lol Ana yes I do have my head in the clouds, got to love your brutal honesty. In reality I am in a bowl of stale mud and calling it love. I have always been a romantic and have always believed in fighting for your loved one through thick and thin. I have been loyal and in the process did things I wouldn’t normally do or accept.

    If I could do it over I wouldn’t be so fiercely loyal to a man ever again… only to Allah. I once gave up a very great career changing job for Allah because it required some haram dealings and not long after Allah gave me a way way better job. i wish I had the same attitude towards marriage back then as I did for my career. You live and you learn. i’m still in mu 20s and I want to look back at my 20s and think that I made the most use of it and did something significant, I dont want to look back and think I wasted it crying and being depressed, so yeah got to keep on fighting my way through life and bringing out the joy from even the worst of situations.

  • Mari2

    November 7, 2015

    @Gail
    While I agree that wives should stand up for themselves, and I do, it is easier for those of raised in the west and living in the west to do so. If and when your husband threaten or follow thru with a divorce, we can deal with it, and defend ourselves because we are educated as to our rights and have our own means.

    But you know as well as I how stigmatizing divorce can be upon women in other countries, and even upon women in western countries ensconced in their cultural enclaves. A threat of divorce to these women amount to social out casting, poverty, and shame to their families. I have actually spoken to friends in Pakistan who are amazed that when I divorced my 1st husband I didn’t end up a pauper living in a box, and my family still speaks to me??? (Blew their minds).

    I can speak my mind to M. I don’t get in his face. But I put my foot down when need be. M has flaws but he was born with “the patience of a saint” as my gma would say. Even when he’s angry at me he will and does suppress any outward reaction. He might refuse to speak to me for a couple of days, or just argue with me via text rather than face to face. I am lucky. I’ve know friends to say just “no” for something to a boyfriend or husband and end up hurt. Every man and woman is different. Every situation is different

  • anabellah

    November 7, 2015

    Gail,

    I like what you said to Grim. Those are my thoughts about what she said and how she thinks, as well. You said it better than I could. The link to you comment is: https://www.polygamy411.com/intimacy-issues-visit-polygamy/#comment-11439

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Grim,

    I get where u r totally coming from like it should be that way in an ideal world the same like I believe in one home polygamous marriages being the ideal solution.
    Sounds great in theory but try to apply it and problems come in the middle.
    If everyone listened to reason(husbands giving wives rights 24/7 then we would live in a utopia)
    I am curious how do u deal it when your husband acts out against u? Does he listen to reason when u read the scriptures to him? I am interested in how all this plays out in your home when hubby acts up and tries to take it out on u.

  • Gail

    November 6, 2015

    Ana,

    I wouldn’t be to worried about women getting up in there husbands faces because a wife knows how to deal her husband and she can get up in his face/tell him how it’s going to go down with out causing a physical altercation.Women are pretty smart for the most part is my thinking.
    I will tell u why I say to the wives tell their husbands like it is and that is because I believe that women that is a G.D/Allah fearing woman will fight for truth and justice esp within her family and I feel that even though her husband may be acting like douchebag at that time he will eventually come around if she stands her ground if he don’t then she either will need to seek separation or flat out divorce him or leave him until he divorces her.I refuse to let my husband mistreat me and not stand up for myself.It just don’t feel right to me.To me that would be acting like teenage child and I am not that.
    I tell u one thing I learned about my own hubby and him being Pi$$ed at me and not giving me sex thinking he was punishing me WELLL I fixed him very goooddd! He pulled that on me and u know what I did? I knew he would want it after a week or two so I waited it out and when he approached me for sex I flat told him no thank I have no desire I have my trusty little personal massager.LOL Man u talk about him saying he could not believe I was using a vibrator etc….. I said u did not want sex I wanted it so problem solved.I was just toying around with him I really wasn’t using a vibrator but I was not going to let him know that.lol
    Long story I didn’t give into him I made him wait a week or more longer to make sure I drove the point home really good.U want to deny me sex OK two can play at that game MR.
    Look ladies u don’t have to be intelligent u just have to be smarter than the idiot/husband laying next to u.Learn to beat them at there own game.
    I love the MOTTO if u can’t beat them join them hahahaha
    Sometimes in marriage u just have to take the bull by the horns!

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Mari2,

    Thanks for imputing on the topic. I think it’s probably a rare find to come across a wife who never had a problem with intimacy associated with polygamy, especially when it comes to a wife accepting that her husband is intimate with another (wife). Isn’t it amazing how one can get over it though. It becomes as though there never was a problem with it. The key is not to entertain the thought for a moment. One has to quash the thought of it as soon as it surfaces. It’s the key.

    I think some women have an easier go of it than others in letting their husbands know how they feel. Some have husbands that don’t listen, are stubborn and difficult to communicate with. It is why I cringe when Gail tell some of them not to be afraid of their husbands and get into their faces. Some women may be able to do it with their husbands. Others may not. I’m concerned that some women may get more than they asked for when they get in a husband’s face, if the husbands don’t tolerate such behavior. It’s a domestic violence situation waiting to happen.

  • Mari2

    November 5, 2015

    Ahhh…now here is a delicate subject. I originally had problems with the issue of M being intimate with 2. First problem was my own imagination and the whispers of satan in my ear putting me into a crazy state of mind. Focusing on Allah took care of that issue. The second problem was M thinking it was okay to take a call from 2 anytime she called (like in the middle of our breakfast together) and have a conversation with her like I wasn’t there. I spoke up for myself and put an end to that. So now those issues are moot. M also knows to not discuss 2 with me. Occasionally he slips with a complaint but not too much so that’s good. It really is not about changing the man but creating a polygamous situation that I can live in peace with, in a way prescribed by Allah. And a huge part of that peace was to separate my marriage from culture/MIL. Polygamy was not always easy for the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and he did not have social media, telephones, and MILs to deal with.

  • Jasmina

    November 5, 2015

    Yes I was around back then but not during the drama that you talk of about the blog… I missed that darn it lol

  • Jasmina

    November 5, 2015

    Thank you Ana. All well said. MashaAllah you are very wise and it’s nice that you share this with others.

    @Laila

    That’s no good.i got scammed same way once. I bought a Groupon and when I went to book they had closed down. Some people…. They will gets what’s coming.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Many people look for perfection in people, but there is no perfect person, as jasmina said and Laila followed up. This is planet earth. It is not Paradise/Jannah.

    People are going to do jacked up things. We all sin and will continue to sin till the day that we die. What makes the difference is whether we repent and ask Allah’s Forgiveness. Our husbands, family members, friends or whomever are not perfect. Allah puts us in situations that are not pleasing to us sometimes. He has a reason for all that he does. It could be a test/trial, punishment, life lesson, a means for us to turn to Him and turn away from others etc. People who talk about their rights or the rights of others all the time are missing what life is all about.

    Allah says, ” We have made some of you as a trial for others: will ye have patience? for Allah is One Who sees (all things).” Surah 25, ayah 20

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Laila,

    I’m sorry to hear the beauty parlour person scammed you. You’ve got the right attitude. She didn’t get away with anything. What she took from you won’t benefit her in anyway. It only hurt her. Allah sees and knows all things. I pray Allah will replace your loss.

    I’m trying to get to the point that I’m not surprised by the messed up, evil things that people do. It’s not easy. Insha Allah, I’ll get there sooner than later. Everything does happen for a reason. We should try to see the reason in it; although many times we can’t because of our limited knowledge and understanding. We have to accept that Allah has done everything in His infinite wisdom.

    I like how you summed it up in a few words. You said, “You cannot force your partner to be perfect. They are aware of the sin they commit but they they engage in it. The best way is to let go and leave it to Allah.”

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    jasmina,

    I’m glad you mentioned that you used to cry all day and night, at one time . We all did or do. It’s important that you mentioned it, so others will know it is way normal. The funny thing about it is we could read about someone who has done it, such as Aisha’s co and see the ugly in it when it done to manipulate people or a situation. I have done it to manipulate a situation and someone else. I have done it simply because I was hurting and in pain, as well. Alhumdulliah that Allah accepts repentance and is a Forgiving God. It’s good you mentioned it.

    You said you went to a sheik for help. Others here have said they’ve gone to Imams and sheiks for help, to no avail. There is only so much that those individuals or anyone can do to help another. They can tell the husband or wife what they should be doing and it’s about the size of it. What else can they do? Whether the person does what was suggested or not is on that person. We each are only accountable for ourselves. The Book of Deeds on the Day of Judgement will be filled with all that the individual did, said, thought etc. The person gets his/her individual Book of Deeds. Allah see and knows all things.

    Many people fail to realize that Allah created some people for the Fire and some He created for Paradise/Jannah. Those He created for Paradise/Jannah will believe and do righteous deeds. Those who He created for the Fire will do the opposite. A person’s good deeds must outweigh his or her bad deeds for the person to enter Jannah.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    jasmina,

    Wow, I didn’t know you were one of the old timers from ions ago LOL. It’s nice to know. I’m happy you are still around 🙂

    Yes, the blog did come a long ways. I’m happy the blog shut down and got a well deserved and needed makeover. As Laila mentioned, everything happens for a reason. It was a good reason. We got to move the blog forward in a good direction. I talk from experience here and from what I’ve learned over the 30 years of being Muslim, studying and learning. At first I learned a lot of wrong information and then I began to rely on the Quran – the book that Allah says He has protected. He says He sent the Quran down as a guide and a healing for the believers and a warning for the unbelievers.

    Most people get caught up in what someone ELSE is doing or should be doing. They get stuck there for always. They don’t go deeper as to why people do the things they do. Allah lets us know what people will do and why. He lets us know what to do when we’ve been wrong. When there is nothing that can be done, Allah does it. Do the ones who rant and rave all the time about someone’s rights know anything else? No! All they know how to do is complain about how things are and what people do. It’s tiring and it’s old. It accomplishes nothing. They need to shut up. I get sick and tired of those type of people complaining allllll the friggin time with no answers or solutions. The answers and solutions are in the Quran. One expect the non-Muslim to do it, but the Muslims do it, as well.

    The problem is, as I’ve said before, many Muslims get caught up in the “dos” and “don’t of “Islam”. Many don’t refer to the Quran for anything other than to find fault in what someone has said. They receive no guidance in doing that. It only hurts them. Islam is much more than a bunch of “dos” and “don’ts”. It a heavy duty book full of wisdom and knowledge. It a healing for any disease, including the diseases of the heart. Many Muslims know nothing about the heart that is diseased. Many know nothing about the power of Allah or anything about Him at all, for that matter. Many simply think as Christians do – that He sits above and just watch what’s going on. They think people are mini gods running about doing what they want. The concept is all wrong and untruth. Allah wrote the script and He’s Ruling and Disposing of everyone’s affairs. The Quran is full of knowledge and wisdom about it. For instance, Allah says:

    “Does man think that he will be left uncontrolled, (without purpose)?” Quran: Surah 75, Ayah 36

    “Nay, shall man have (just) anything he hankers after?” Quran: Surah 53, ayah 24

    Allah lets us know in numerous ayat (verses) in the Quran that only He has power. This is His dominion and He rules and regulates ALL affairs.

    I don’t make this stuff up.

  • Laila

    November 5, 2015

    Ana, this is a very good post. I enjoyed reading it. I am having such a rough day. I got scammed at my beauty parlour. This nut case beautician took my money in advance for some beauty treatments and now out of the blue, she’s closed down. She’s cheated me of a few hundred dollars. I felt so angry the whole day today. I then went out and got my hair cut and my hairstylist said that maybe I’m not the only one she scammed. Well, that was a point to take note. Now after reading your post, I think Allah will deal with her and her actions. I don’t forgive her but I am in a bit of peace knowing that she’s answerable to her actions towards Allah.

    This is true. Sometimes everything that happens, happens for a reason. You cannot force your partner to be perfect. They are aware of the sin they commit but they they engage in it. The best way is to let go and leave it to Allah. I liked what Jasmina said. She did everything and yet nothing worked. So yes, that in itself says a lot.

  • jasmina

    November 5, 2015

    Grim all that you state is beautiful, it gives me comfort knowing how perfect Islam is. But in reality people are not perfect. I learnt that the hard way. I also get great comfort knowing i dont have to deal with them… Allah will deal with them. Ana is right…what do you do when the person doesnt do it? They dont do as they should by shariah and in a western society. What is one to when the person will not budge. Kicking and screaming does not work i tried that. brining is outside mediators like a shaikh doesnt work i tried that also. Crying all day and night like Aishas co also doesnt work i tried that to haha… Nothing eases our pains but Allah. Now to put it all into practice thats another topic lol.

  • jasmina

    November 5, 2015

    I went so far as to get a sheikh to tel my husband he has to be fair with time… That didnt work either. Back then i used to post on this blog as a different name 5 years ago and generally conversation was around obtaining ones rights etc. And talking issues and not solutions… Well not solid ones. Now the blog has come a long way and i love the new direction it has taken. I have become stronger by taking on Anas advice now. When we deal with our own internal issues we are in a better position to deal with our husbands whom may b difficult if they are hotheaded or stubborn.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Jasmina,

    Some people just don’t get it. They don’t know what is said in the Quran because they are looking for something crooked in it, if they do read it. Grimm said that a man can do other things if he can’t perform intercourse. Can a woman make her husband fondle her? Can she make him do the other things that can be done if he doesn’t perform intercourse? It’s crazy, if you ask me. Yes, people know what they are supposed to do and some don’t but even if they know what they are supposed to do, no one can make that person do it. People could talk all day and night about it and what should be done. That is the easy part. What do you do when the person doesn’t do it? That is the question.
    As you stated, everyone sins. No one does everything right. You made an excellent point!

  • jasmina

    November 5, 2015

    Thanks Ana

    this is a good reminder to stay steadfast and be patient.

    Grim I also get and appreciaye what you are saying. I must say that just as Ana simmis saying you cannot make someone do anything. In the past my husband didnt give me my rights to time and i got soo caught up in demanding and fighting for my rights that it killed me inside…. I forgot that it is Allah who decrees and the only one who can change the hearts of us humans whom all sin at various degrees. I tired giving proof to my husband but none worked.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Allah says be patient, persevere and pray. He has a plan. He is the Master Planner. He says take your complaint about your husband to Him. What does that mean?

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    A woman can go through Changes hormonal or whatever it is and not want to have sex with her husband. She just does not feel it. It happens. The same with men. He may not be attracted to his wife. He may not get aroused. He may not be attracted to her for a time., but will get over it, maybe. He may just not want to be bothered with sex. He could be stressed. Who knows what it is. A person is not a machine. Who knows why they go through what they go through it. Only Allah knows. As I said no one can do anything unless Allah has decreed it. That is what a believer knows.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Go tell it to the men, Grim. You are talking to thewomen here. It is about what they can do. They could talk to their husbands all day and night until they are blue in the face about what he should be doing. It does not matter if he does not do it. No one can make anyone do anything. Tell the women what they can do that doesn’t entail making someone else do it.

  • Grim

    November 5, 2015

    If that last post was in answer to mine, you missed the point.

    If your husband is a believer, he will be very concerned and eager to give his wife or wives their rights. If your husband is a believer, it should be enough if he were given islamic grounds for seeing that his wife has an islamic right to be satisfied sexually, for him to do everything in his power to satisfy her/them. He has no less obligation to fulfill her needs than she does his.

    A husband who is a believer will change his neglectful ways if he knows this. So what a woman can do, is make sure her husband knows. This is why I supplied islamic proof. If the husband then refuses, he is committing a sin. Just like the woman who refuses her husband.

    And this is true whether your husband is polygamous or not.

    And as I say – intercourse is not the only way to satisfy a wife. If he is worn out and can’t get it up, he’ss just have to achieve her satisfaction some other way. And if he doesn’t do that, there is marital help to be gotten through the masjid, where the husband can get support and also education about his wife’s or wives’ rights over him in this issue.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    NOTE AND NOTE WELL: I’m going to mention something very important to everyone reading this blog. Most of the writers here are women. Women and men included can sit around all day and night, 24/7 and 365 days a year talking about what a man SHOULD BE doing in polygamy. They can talk about the rights that a woman has that a man must fulfill etc. What good does it do? What does it accomplish. The men aren’t hear looking for help or answers. The women are. No one can MAKE a man or anyone else do anything, if Allah has not decreed it. What a person should do and what they do isn’t always the same. This blog would end up being just like all the rest out there in which everyone engage in useless talk about how bad and horrific polygamy is and how bad men are because they don’t fulfill a woman’s rights and blah, blah, blah. THIS IS NOT THE BLOG FOR IT. If a woman wants to know what she can do about HERSELF in terms of a polygamous marriage this blog is for her. You decide what it is. I don’t have time for those who hate and simply want to bellyache all the time about what they don’t know and understand. I don’t have time for those who want to bash men and polygamy, and have nothing constructive to say.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    You missed the point so I won’t waste my time on you. Your position is noted.

  • anabellah

    November 5, 2015

    Thank you for your comment, Grim

  • Grim

    November 5, 2015

    A husband has no more right to keep intimacy from his wife, than a wife from the husband. The husband’s obligation is to keep her chaste which includes satisfying her sexual needs. If he does not have stamina for intercourse, there are other ways he can give sexual satisfaction to his wife.

    It goes without saying that in Islam it is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other. They should do everything physically, emotionally and spiritually to make each other feel happy and comfortable. They must care for each other.

    Islam enjoins husbands to deal with their wives with kindness, decency and fairness. Intimacy is a mutual right for both husband and wife. This has been best summed up in the Qur’anic imperative: “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness…” (Al-Baqarah: 228)

    Therefore, the husband should not deny himself to his wife and the wife also should not deny herself to her husband. They should do their best to satisfy their marriage partner. A husband who without any genuine reason neglects his wife’s needs is as sinful as a wife who neglects her husband’s needs without any excuse.

    The right of the wife to have her physical needs fulfilled by her husband is so well recognized in Islam that no husband should deny his wife this right even if he is involved in worship and devotion. This is clear from the Hadith reported by al-Bukhari on the authority of Abu Juhayfah who said:

    The Prophet made a bond of brotherhood between Salman and Abu Ad-Darda’. Salman paid a visit to Abu Ad-Darda’ and found Umm Ad-Darda’ (Abu Ad-Darda’s wife) dressed in shabby clothes and asked her why she was in that state. She replied, “Your brother Abu Ad-Darda’ is not interested in (the luxuries of) this world.” In the meantime Abu Ad-Darda’ came and prepared a meal for Salman. Salman requested Abu Ad-Darda’ to eat (with him), but Abu Ad-Darda’ said, “I am fasting.” Salman said, “I am not going to eat unless you eat.” So, Abu Ad-Darda’ ate (with Salman). When it was night and (a part of the night passed), Abu Ad-Darda’ got up (to offer the night prayer), but Salman told him to sleep and Abu Ad-Darda’ slept. After some time Abu Ad-Darda’ again got up but Salman told him to sleep. When it was the last hours of the night, Salman told him to get up then, and both of them offered the Prayer. Salman told Abu Ad-Darda’, “Your Lord has a right on you, your soul has a right on you, and your family has a right on you; so you should give the rights of all those who has a right on you.” Abu Ad-Darda’ came to the Prophet and narrated the whole story. The Prophet said, “Salman has spoken the truth.”

    Also, when the Prophet heard that `Abdullah ibn `Amr ibn Al-`As used to fast during the day and offer prayers all the night, he said to him: “`Abdullah, Don’t do that; fast for a few days and then give it up for a few days, offer Prayers and also sleep at night, as your body has a right on you, and your wife has a right on you, and your guest has a right on you…” (Reported by al-Bukhari)

    In his response to the question in point, Dr. Muzammil H. Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states,

    It is also emphasized in Islam that a husband should not deny his wife’s physical needs. Both of them are related to each other, as Allah says in the Qur’an, “They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them…” (Al-Baqarah 2: 187) A husband who without any genuine reason neglects his wife’s needs is as sinful as a wife who neglects her husband’s needs without any excuse. The husband and wife both should care for each other in all matters, whether they are moral and spiritual or financial and physical. The relationship between the husband and wife should be based on what the Qur’an says, “love and compassion” (al-Rum 30: 21)

    Allah Almighty knows best.