Investigate a Co Wife in a Polygamous Marriage

investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriageA wife should investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriage. She should do it before she accepts the co wife into her life. Wives and husbands in polygamous marriages often ask if a wife must accept the co wife. Some questions include: Should they have a friendship with each other? Could a wife accept polygamy and not accept the co wife?

Basically, there isn’t much information written about polygamy and co-wives. It’s not easy to find answers online about it. Although, we have heard often that co-wives do not like one another. That’s putting it mildly.

To answer the question, must a wife accept a co wife, first she must investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriage

The investigation would help her to make her intention to accept the co wife or not. For instance, if the wife who conducts the investigation is a Muslim and a Believer, she needs to find out if her husband’s other wife is the same. Is she the type of person whom we should embrace? On the contrary, is the co wife of the group of people whom Allah in the Quran tells us that we should avoid?

Allah lets us know who we should let into our intimacy, as well as who we shouldn’t. He tells us who we should and shouldn’t become friends with. Furthermore, he tells us who we should and should not love, as well.

The wife must investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriage, so she could make a needed judgement call. To judge someone, we must investigate the person. It’s not always easy to do. There are instances where she does not know enough about the women whom her husband has married. She may not have enough information to investigate. Possibly she hasn’t met or sat with the person to assess her character.

So, she knows she must investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriage. What happens when she completes it?

She may find that she shouldn’t accept the co wife. I used to think that to accept polygamy a wife must befriend the co wife or make a serious effort to. However, I’ve come to realize over time that it’s not always in the best interest of a wife to seek to embrace the husband’s other wife. To accept her could go against what Allah says in the Quran about friendship.

The person could be a means to pull the other out of character. The one wife could lead the other one astray from the Path of Allah. I think this topic is a good one, as some wives many times feel guilty that they do not like their co wives. Actually, maybe they should not. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to investigate before we let people into our lives.

How should the wife treat the co wife whom she should not befriend? Islam requires us to act kindly to one another, if we are friends or not. Wives should exchange pleasantries and kindness, if the two communicate with each other. When wives are polite to one another and make an effort to avoid conflict, it could pave the way for friendship between them in the future.

If the women are all Muslim/Believers, it is more reason for them to befriend each other to make sure they accept polygamy with sincerity in their hearts. To accept a co wife when the wives all have a similar level of belief could help to purify the heart.

Investigate a co wife in a polygamous marriage before you make her your friend

More than likely with patience and in due time, a wife would come to know more about the other wife. The husband may share something about his other wife through casual conversation. Even if the husband is not always truthful, he may leak something about his other wife. The wife who conducts the investigation may then have enough information to judge the other.

In conclusion, do birds of a feather flock together? Are you friend or foe with your co?

Please note: Please only comment about the topic on this page. Please discuss other topics in the assigned β€œDiscussions” area.

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107 Comments

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Zaahra,

    As I’ve said to another person who was here using many different names – KNOCK IT OFF. Pick one name and stick with it. Stop wasting our time here. What do you think you’re achieving by changing names and posting various versions of your story? Stop jerking people around.

    As Serena said, go back to the advice that you’ve receive already, read it and follow it. Try to digest what you’ve been advised. If you have any additional questions, ask them, but use ONE name and don’t change it. Thank you.

  • anabellah

    September 25, 2017

    Serena,

    Good looking out my friend!

    Zaahra or who ever she is apparently has been posting with a few alias user names. It appears she has presented herself as:
    zaahra
    patrice
    zee
    Zahrah

  • Serena

    September 25, 2017

    Salam

    Zaahra

    Did you post here before around 4th August 2015 under the username Patrice? It’s just that you sound like her and same situation.

    Incase you are the same person just reread the reply you got from Ana and ummof4. Even if you are not same person the advice would apply to your situation.

  • anabellah

    September 24, 2017

    Zaahra, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah you liked the article πŸ™‚

    I’m not surprised your husband did not tell you anything about the sister or that he was going to marry her. I think some men do it that way (withhold the information) in fear that the wife would try to interfere with his plans.

    Zaahra, if you fear your husband will move his other wife in with you, then sit down with him and discuss it. Let him know that under no condition and circumstance will you accept that he move her into your home. Let him know that wives living together is not the Islamic way. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t have his wives living together, and he is our example. Nip it in the bud, so you could, Insha Allah, stop worrying about it. If you fear he will still do it, then begin making your intent to leave if he does and begin making preparation for it.

    About her past, perhaps she has repented, asked Allah for His forgiveness, and she has mended her ways. If you have found that she is not the type of person that you should be bothered with, then shun her. Be cordial to her and return the salaam greeting and keep it moving.

    Insha Allah, forget about the information that you found. Put your faith and trust in Allah that he protects the believers. Do your part in being one. Focus on that. You don’t need to be thinking of your husband’s other wife while you’re being intimate with him. Satan is messing with you, if you’ve got your husband’s other wife on your mind. Seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed when you begin thinking of things that you shouldn’t, including thoughts of your husband’s other wife.

  • Zaahra

    September 23, 2017

    As salaamu alaykum. Alhamdulillah for this article sister. May Allah reward you sister. My husband recently took another wife, married her very quickly (in a week). He refused to tell me anything before marrying the sister or that he was even getting married. But Alhamdulillah I was able to do my own independent investigation, unfortunately after they already married. I found out some very alarming information about the sister. Now that they are married anything I say about the sister would be considered backbiting and I can not reveal a Muslim’s past even if it’s a not so distant past. There is no way I can warn my husband. With the information that I have found there is no way I would be able to trust the sister with my life, my home, or even my name. This information I have is even making intimacy with my husband difficult for me and eating me up inside. I understand she is my Muslim sister and I do treat her kindly when we speak. But what really concerns me it that this has already become a financial burden and I am afraid he will move her in with me. I have been in polygamy before with him and that was very similar situation, it didn’t last long. I pray and make dua that seems to be all I can do right now.

  • anabellah

    October 14, 2016

    Aminah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m sure it would help (if they’re all believers then they’d most likely be friends). It certainly is a rarity though LOL Yet it’s doable.

  • Aminah

    October 14, 2016

    Asalaamu alaikam ut helps if the co-wive has strong eemaan and is already a close friend to he 1st wife. Or other wives.

  • Number4

    February 5, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh

    Asiyah, I agree with Anabellah in this matter. It’s enough thar you have accepted it. Has he ever been in polygamy before?

  • anabellah

    February 5, 2016

    Asiyah,

    Don’t do anything that you are uncomfortable with. If you’re not ready to meet her, then dont. There is nothing that says you must be her friend. Just because he has to sleep with her, talk with her, and love her, doesn’t mean that you have to. She will be his wife, not yours. If the time comes that you feel ready to meet her, or talk with her, then do it. He shouldn’t force anything on you. He should just be happy that you are receptive to him having another wife and you’re not wigging out on him and turning his world upside down. He needs to back up off you and leave you alone about the matter. Those are my thoughts about it. You have enough to deal with in trying to accept the situation. Give a person an inch; they want to take a mile. Tell him to chill out on it…

  • Asiyah

    February 5, 2016

    My intending husband would like to have to wives and he wants us to conversate and be friends. He says “everybody needs sombody”. Honestly I dont wanna be friends I did what he asked of me before and it didnt go to well. Shes more of an asset than Iam she has no kids I have 3 ect. I feel like hes no respecting my feelings in this situation.He says when we talk if it goes bad hes done and doesnt wanna here who said what, wheather it’s the truth or a lie.So my heart is a little sad and tourn between what todo at this point.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2016

    Umm Rashad, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome! It’s very nice to have you here

    I could only imagine how hurtful it was was for you to find out, after the fact, that your husband had secretly married another. Men usually say they didn’t want to hurt the already existing wives, as a reason for doing it that way (secretly). Some know the wives won’t agree to it, and would give them a hard time, so they do it and then tell them. Bottom line, 99% of the time, the husbands catch a difficult time from the existing wives, regardless of how it’s done. Regardless, the proper thing for him to have done would have been to consult with you about it before he did it. Nonetheless, it’s done, so you must find a way to put that aspect of it behind you. You have enough to deal with right now.

    About the messages that the other leaves on his social media page, I suggest you not go to his page. If you don’t go there you can’t get hurt. You’re looking for trouble by going there. You’re bound to find it. In a situation like it, what you don’t know can’t hurt you. You have to take some accountability for what your eyes see. What you see is what you get. Stay away from there. You have no reason to go to his page. He’s your husband. Communicate with him face to face, by phone, text or email. Social media is just that – to socialize. Many a wife gets jerked around by a co-wife on social media. If you fall for the bait, you get caught up out there. Don’t open yourself up to get hurt.

    You can’t do anything about what you find of hers in his car and such. I suggest you do what ummof4 said, IGNORE IT. Don’t play her games. She wants to upset you. When you respond, she knows she’s gotten the result that she was looking for. Her shenanigans only hurts her more than she knows.

    You are doing the best thing, which is to seek Allah’s protection from her and your husband and the evil that they do. Seek Allah protection from all that is evil and all evildoers. Don’t worry. Allah sees, hears and knows all things. He said those who plot evil, the evil will hem in the author thereof. Allah has got this! Leave it in Allah’s hands.

  • ummof4

    January 20, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Umm Rashad, may Allah protect you and your husband from the fitnah. I know it may be difficult, but my advice would be for you to ignore her behavior. People who deliberately want to upset others usually stop when they see no one is getting upset.

    Everyone spend today as if it is your last day in this life, because it could be.

  • Umm Rashad

    January 20, 2016

    As Salaam Alaykum,
    First my husband of 10 years married without my knowledge and was married for 2 months before i found out. Than when i looked on his social media page after she found out i could see his comments at 1st i could not because i wasnt a friends on his page she started making all these comments about how much she loves him and started missing him and cant wait to see him. he would comment back i asked him not to do that because he knew i was having a hard time. i tried to tell him that what she was doing was trying to have fitnah, i know how women think. I said to him watch me make a comment and watch what happens. i made a comment about how much i loved him and of course just like i knew she made a mean comment about me..he immediatnly took it down and said he spoke to her. i said you see her character i dont care if she did apologize she made the comment the whole time she was making all these comments i never said a word soon as i do she speaks mean about me. I am not liking her character at all and don’t wish to get to know her. He doesn’t understand, it like she keeps leaving all these items in his car and i tried to explain to him that women with her character does things like this on purpose, i asked him did she ask him had he seen some of the items she left he said no, it was 2 days later and i said that because she knows were they are. I am asking Allah to protect me from what i feel is evil and him as well.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2016

    asiya and number4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I moved some of your comments to another post, as they are good for the post/thread about what is “Just”.

    The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/what-is-just-in-a-polygamous-marriage/

  • Number4

    January 16, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh,

    Thank you @asiya for your wisdom. I have thought that it has to be a challenge for the first one. I also agree with Anabellah that polygamy is what is decreed by Allah and as Muslims we must accept it.

    I know too how it has to be challenging on the husband, however it’s a choice he made. Polygamy isn’t mandatory…so I’m not always sympathetic lol, but once I n a while I kinda feel for him,especially when he comes to our place and forgets where the light switch is, lol. .,the men have to be a bit bipolar to juggle multiple wives. ..lol.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your question is a good one. It’s a question that is often asked.

    Please note: I removed the post that I wrote here and made a post/thread out of it. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/what-is-just-in-a-polygamous-marriage/

  • asiya

    January 15, 2016

    Assalumu alaykum Ana Thankyou so much

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    asiya, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Very nice post!

  • asiya

    January 15, 2016

    Assalumu alaykum, number 4 as a first wife myself I understand why the first wife may want pretend like you don’t exist although I do in someway agree with Ana that when you are not in reality it can make it harder on ur self but sometimes saying it is easier than actually living it and sometimes first wives get thrown into situations that they themselves don’t have much of a choice in be it for anyreason , I think for alot of first wives when there husbands remarry they themselves feel like they have failed or in a sense not good enough and been replaced and then they have community or people around her putting her down or saying this women couldn’t fulfill her husband or questioning why her husband had to remarry mabey she wasn’t doing her duty or she has many flaws etc etc it’s a huge problem in society

    I often wonder if it is easier for a women to swallow the reality and accept it more if there is more than two mabey it’s easier as in if there are two you may be fixated on comparing urself with the other or teying to compete though I believe that this is strongly stupid and wrong as we can never ever compare our self’s or lives with anyone else
    I think wether ur first 2nd 3rd or fourth wife you will go through similar feelings and struggles.

    I think that what ur husband is doing is quite wise keeping each wife seperate honestly it saves alot of conflict and jelousy from happening I couldn’t imagine how much suffering ur husband might face having 4 wife’s with conflict all at each other etc that would be chaotic I’ve heard of a man with two wives losing it because of the
    Wives being in contact and causing each other problems not to day they are bad people but sometimes polygamy can bring out the worst of a person
    Let’s all avoid this ladies lol! Best not to get old and look back at our lives regretting things we have done.

    At the end of the day you are you and you can never be equal to someone else you are different and beautiful in ur own way and no one can be compared to you

    The only way a wife can be better than another is though the eyes of Allah through there religion

    Anyone can cook good food cleans clothes behave best way be funny and entertaining anyone can fix there appearance etc anyone can change no one is sterotypically stuck to something eg. She is negative and not easy going or she is dirty and foods always salty or all she does is use her phone and is selfish
    But what you do out of ur religion and hpw ypu spent ur time and life and what yu do for Allah can be harder to change or get back expecially if the devil has you hooked and messes around with you that’s why it’s so important to put Allah first and not others or desires.

    I hope ur journey in this life becomes easier for you don’t try to change for others try to change by improving and updating yourself for Allah and you will be sweet

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Number4, additionally, I meant to say, as well, that it’s pretty cool how you venture out on your own to events and Eid celebration. You’ve got it going on.

    Don’t get caught up in feeling not equal with the other wives. How you think will determine how you feel. Don’t let Satan mess with your head. You sound to have a good one on your shoulders.

    It’s good none of you have any children by him, other than the one whom he is now divorced from. It makes being in a polygamous marriage much easier for all involved; I’m sure.

    The other wife who married him first can pretend that you and the other wives don’t exist. She’s not hurting any of you other wives. She’s only hurting herself. It hurts a person not to stay in reality. Not only is she not accepting the three of you, she’s not accepting Allah’s decision. It is far worse. In not accepting Allah’s decisions, she stands to lose a whole lot – not only in this world, but most importantly in the Hereafter.

    Thank Allah much that you are not her. What a blessing!!!

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2016

    Number4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I like your attitude. You’ve got a very good one. You’re doing good not to get caught up in all the family reunion drama. I don’t know if your husband’s family is Muslim as he is or not. I know a sister who married first and her husband took her and not the other wife to the family reunions and gatherings. It was because his family wasn’t Muslim and wouldn’t accept the other wife. The family let (his mother) in particular, let him know not to bring the other around. It is probably a blessing in disguise that you don’t have to mix up with them, the small talk and drama that goes along with the territory.

    I’m feeling you on studying, reading the Quran, and trying to be the best servant of Allah. I do that, as well and I’m so ecstatically happy. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in total bliss every second of the day. This is planet earth, not Jannah/Paradise LOL. Overall, though, I have so much joy in my life. I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way. It’s a beautiful thing. So, I’m feeling you in what you said, sis.

  • Number4

    January 15, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh,

    @Gail…

    I see him two or three times a week. Maybe this whole thing is easier for me because I’m the last wife, I don’t know. I use to get really upset being left out of family events including Eids. ..but I go to some on my own in other locations where he and the longest married are not. I don’t use First wife because it’s really not relative, although I’ve called myself Number 4 here. I’ve told him at times he makes me feel like 4th place, he says no wife has a status above the other. ..but at times things are not quite right. I’m throwing more time into myself, my studying the religion. I was Muslim before meeting him so I’m going to find positive ways to vent, ( I found this forum )β–ͺ
    And I’m going to be true to myself.

  • Number4

    January 15, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh

    I agree sister!!@Gail

    The one who has been with him over twenty years has not met the other wives or me. She pretends we don’t exist. His oldest daughters have confirmed this for me. He has no children with any of us. He was married the very first time by U.S. law, he has 5 children from that marriage but it ended in divorce. His children are all over 30.

    The wife he has been with the longest has seen the others at family funerals but never recognizes them never greets them.

    He’s been with all 3 wives between 19 and 24 years. I’m coming up on a year with him. We all live in the same state but different cities. Only the longest married goes to his family reunions although his entire family knows he is in polygamy. I no longer ask about family events, I have made my peace with it.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2016

    Number4,

    Hard to say but I find it really weird why he would not want all of u to meet.Do u know how many kids he has.I find your situation very strange.Do u only see him once a week how does your situation work?

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post made me laugh LOL I could just imagine your husband taking off. It probably looked like he was power walking LOL I could only imagine what the husbands go through. It’s no cakewalk for them. I feel sorry for them sometimes πŸ™

    I think it’s messed up when Muslims don’t give one another the salaam or barely do it. At least the woman “barely” gave it to you oppose to not at all. I’ve encountered situations in which the salaam wasn’t returned to me. It’s very sad.

  • Number4

    January 14, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh. ..
    I appreciate the feed back sisters. I definitely don’t believe that all of the wives are against meeting, I was actually at an event and one was present. I had gone in to get seats and when my husband came in he told me another wife was present. After the event I had to nearly run to kerp up with him exiting, he’s never walked so fast ever for any reason. That bothered me. Oddly I instinctively knew that one woman barely gave me the Salaams when I entered. ..I believe that she saw him let me out of the car and so she knew I was the new wife. Later he told me that she commented on how quickly we left. So she may have been open to meeting me. Lol I guess I’ll never know.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2016

    Gail,

    I just re-read your post. It’s interesting that many Husbands will go through a thing when they realize their first wives are totally against Polygamy and are suffering badly. It’s a little late in the game after he has married another woman. Many times he won’t leave the other woman, but will still show preferential treatment to the first. It’s not an absolute, but it happens a lot. Husbands really don’t have a clue what they are getting themselves into when they becomes polygamous. In your situation, you lived with your husband for 8 years pretty much monogamously, not knowing the truth therefore it should seem that you were the first wife. The number of the Wives married in should not matter, nonetheless, I keep thinking you were the first wife. It especially doesn’t matter now that you are monogamous.

  • Gail

    January 13, 2016

    Ana,

    Exactly it can turn a into an emotional mess real fast and most men they don’t have any idea of what they r getting into when they decide to be polygamous.They just jump in head first and normally turns into what I call huge cluster F@ck.Then u have one or both wives screaming and demanding.Forget the men for a moment because I really believe they r mentally immature the majority of them so really a woman that is considering entering into Polygamy should guard herself and seriously meet the other wife even if it is only once just so it is clear the first wife truly knows and is in the loop to what is going on and also to give the first wife an opportunity to speak her mind to the potential second wife and vice versa.It is good for both women to get a feel for each other and it allows for the women to take a step back to rethink if they want to go forward with the polygamy.
    This is my personal opinion because I know looking back I would have loved to have met my cowife and been told the truth that she was not agree with it OR had she lied to me I could have smelt a rat.There is nothing better than one on one contact meeting to air everything out if the women are agree.Knowing what I know now and my husband refused for us to have contact I would take that a complete violation of our marriage that he don’t want me to be a part of his life and I would straight up divorce him but that is just me.Everyone is different and there are many different opinions.Knowing what I know now If I did ever get back into a polygamous marriage I would move at a snails pace and make darn sure it was not going to go sour after marriage and everyone was on board or at least dealing with their emotions before I up and just jumped in head first.I wouldn’t want to marry just to turn around and regret it and end up divorced.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Actually, all the wives could end up suffering in varying degrees.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Gail,

    You are so right about the husband ending up being distraught, so to speak when the wife whom he married first wants to divorce and take the kids. Most men don’t think a matter through especially when it comes to polygamy. They get all bent out of shape about what the first wife is going through and the subsequent wife suffers as a result. Unfortunately, the newcomers can’t investigate because he doesn’t want the wives to talk or he says the one doesn’t want to talk to the other or he lies and says the first wife knows about his new relationship and is okay with it. I Agree with you and number4 that it would be good if he could arrange for the wives to meet or they do it. Unfortunately there is usually at least one person who doesn’t want it to happen, be it the husband, the one wife or both women. It can really become convoluted.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2016

    Number4,

    In your case there is no reason to meet your cowives because your husband doesn’t want u ladies to meet.In saying this some women want to have a relationship with their cowife/cowives so these r the women I am talking about to investigate and find out.
    Investigating a cowife is very important to some women because what if she comes to find out the cowife is not going to accept polygamy and may very well seek a divorce and they have children together.I personally would not want to marry a man that by marrying me he is going to break up his 1st family(thats just me) I went through something similar to that although I was lied to and kept in the dark for 8 yrs about it had I known the truth from the start I would never had agreed to marry him understand because his 1st wife was not accepting of polygamy.Some women will say they don’t care about the wife but I think that is a bit selfish to destroy another persons life(what makes the man more special than the wife) Thats fine G.D gave him permission to marry up to 4 or whatever but still with polygamy their needs to be love and patience and not just I am marrying the man and to hell with the 1st wife and her feelings.Yes the first wife is going to struggle be sad etc.. and I am not talking about those women who will eventually accept it I am talking about the women who flat says no way they will seek divorce before they accept it.In those cases the second wife will have to make a choice to marry or not but everyone should go into Polygamy with eyes wide open knowing full well if the first wife is going to accept or not because their marriage is going to take a hard hit if the first wife causes problems or she divorces her husband.The husband is going to be beside himself with emotions over his first marriage and/or he may decide to divorce u and let u go if it comes to push and shove with his first wife.He will not want to loose his wife and kids and U as a second wife need to understand this very clear that your life can be screwed up fro the first wife.So it is very important to investigate I feel.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Number4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m probably confusing you and probably everyone else, as well. I’m sorry. I’ll try to explain better. I don’t think everyone should conduct an investigation on a co-wife. It’s only if one wants to befriend the other or they both want to be friends. If the one has an interest in being up close and personal with the other, she needs to know about her more before first before making that intent. I think it’s a beautiful thing if the wives could all get together and they could all serve Allah together with their husband. I know most of the time it’s not possible. But, say for instance one does want it. I don’t think the woman should jump in there and try to make it happen just because they are married to the same man. We need to know who we are befriending whether it’s just someone we meet even if it’s someone whom we just meet and there is no connection to polygamy. There are sooooo many ayat in the Quran about who we should be friends with and who we shouldn’t.

    I have a wali and he and his family and I are best friends. I consider them believers. We study and learn together and take care of one another. It would be the type of relationship I would want to have with a co-wife. I would want us all to be a family with the goal of reaching Jannah together. Now on the other hand, my husband may have married a non-Muslim. Would I really want to be at her house and she at mine etc? No. Most likely my husband would tell me that she is not Muslim. Even if she took the Shahadah just a month or more ago. Allah says faith doesn’t instantly enter ones heart when the person was so far away from faith just yesterday. I would need to communicate with her to determine if she just took the Shahadah to marry my husband or she appears to have a sincere interest in Islam. Although only Allah ULTIMATELY knows what is in a persons heart, he tells us enough to judge people. It’s a cliche today for people to say they don’t judge. Allah tells us in several ayat to judge others. He says judge with what he has given us – the Quran. He doesn’t tell us all about people just to know for a past-time. Everything in the Quran is for us to use in our lives today. There is a purpose.

    I guess overall I was saying what you have said, we don’t need to befriend a co-wife. I agree with you. I think it would be beautiful if all the wives were on the same page and had the same goal. The only way to know it as far as I can see is to check it out. Look into it. πŸ™‚

  • Number4

    January 12, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum Wa Rahmahtullah Wa Barakatuh…

    Thank you for your response. I got to admit that I’m uncertain about investigating co wives. I don’t know if that’s a healthy thing emotionally for women to do. In my case, I’ll most likely never meet the other 3 wives as we live in different cities. How would knowing more help you? I’m just unclear on this.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2016

    Number4, As Salaam Alaikum,

    I’m with you in that I do not think of wives who are married to the same man as being co-wives. At one time I refused to used the term. I have since began to use it as it is universal. Most Muslims relate to the term. I use it to make it easy for me and for everyone else on the blog. I’m with you though. I don’t think it’s an accurate term. I think the term “Sister Wives” makes more sense in terms of them being simply sisters-in-faith married to the same man.

    I understand that you did the “sister” thing (trying to be friends) in the past and it didn’t work. You have now moved on from there. I think it was a wise thing for you to do. Created things can be an obstacle for us to grow closer to Allah. We begin to focus on them instead of on Allah. The less with interact with people (unless they are on the same page – they are believers) the closer we can come to Allah. Only Allah can bring any good or harm to us. A person can’t bring any good or harm to us unless Allah wills it. If we want good, we need to go to the source, which is Allah.

    We often times do things to appease others and it conflict with what we should do to seek the good pleasure of Allah. We shouldn’t be close to a person who is not a believer. Sometimes we get caught up out there, though.

    The reason for the post about investigating a co-wife is to let women know not to befriend a husband’s other wife just because she is his wife. We need to learn about a person before we embrace the person. One things we all have learned on this blog is that often times husbands lie. We can’t rely on them for the truth about anything. It’s why we need to investigate things, including his wives, as well. We need to know who we are dealing with and not take anyone else word for it. There is an ayah in Quran in which we are instructed to determine if a person is a believer and not just take a person’s word for it. Allah tells us the qualities and attributes of a believer. We need to investigate to find out if the person fits the description. Of course, it takes time. It takes being with the person, talking with the person and observing the person.

    Thank you very much for sharing more about you. I relate to what you’ve said πŸ™‚

  • Number4

    January 12, 2016

    Men don’t have to ask wives to accept co wives, they usually don’t bc it isn’t in the Quran or Sunnah that he has to. Why investigate the other wife/wives? I don’t see any benefit in that. The best way is to ask your husband if you can meet at some point.
    Polygamy doesn’t mean soaterhood. It would be nice if it did. Don’t get me wrong, there are polygamous relationships where the women are respectful and cordial, but friendship might be difficult.
    I’ve married a man in polygamy twice.

    The first time was in 2000, the existing wife never wanted to meet me but she would call me by phone, I never called her because she was angry. I eventually asked out of that marriage it became very stressful and my husband gave in a b lot to her demands even skipping some of my designated days to visit.

    I’m married again, this time there are three other wives before me those women are also older than me by about 10 years I am middle-aged myself however I’m told that I look young this time in this marriage I am trying to learn more about Islam I’m trying to read more on my own listen to put files on my own I am trying to become the person that I need to be the best represent myself in this marriage but I also want to keep a lot first I don’t want to be so focus on my husband this time around because I think that women tend to give up themselves give up their identity or to please men when we really should not do that we need to focus on Allah we need to focus on our selves truly love our cells take care of ourselves and that will make us be better wives to the men that we marry. Some men enjoy when women are jealous when women fight over them and give them some kind of strange sense of empowerment but that is truly not some healthy so I think the best thing to do is to not be jealous and if we find that happening then we need to focus more on making ourselves better spiritually making our cells that are physically making our cells stronger mentally and emotionally so this marriage this time around it’s not stressful no wife contact me I don’t contact anyone we don’t have each other’s information my husband would prefer that we not meet because there was some fitness and the marriage at one point between the second wife and the third wife that he married although the first wife that he married doesn’t want to admit that she’s in polygamy and they been married over 22 years she’s the most from where almost from what I don’t understand is how you can accept page 1 2 & 3 of pecan and say you’re following the sooner and not accept the rest of the pages of the Quran polygamy may not be the best choice for some people I don’t have a problem with it because I understand it in for it is part of the the Sunhah and is what the Allah has allowed so how can anyone be against it who say that they follow this religion?

    for me it’s not about me needing all of my husband’s attention it will be nice I think if the wives ever came together and some kind of social function or Ramadan and to be civil towards one another but that will never happen, as for me we all live in different cities so yeah he drives a lot but I’m going to leave that one alone.

    I am A good person if one of them had an issue that I could help with I would truly try and help that’s the kind of person I am but for anyone who doesn’t want to meet me who doesn’t want to interact with me I am okay with that now, when I was 30 and that other marriage I wanted to be a sister you know in this marriage I don’t I don’t need that I don’t need to be anybody’s sister I just want to have a peaceful life I want my husband to respect me I don’t want to feel less than anybody else I just want to do what I can do to be my own person and to keep peace in my own household and co wives are not necessarily sister wives, I’ve learned that lesson in my first marriage.
    I have never ever met them to me the term co means cooperation in there is no cooperation in this polygamous relationship as far as the women go so I don’t even see that I’m in polygamy I married a man who has multiple wives but we’re not co wives.
    because we don’t even know one another we don’t even associate with one another and I don’t really ever foresee that happening.

  • Patrice

    August 4, 2015

    Wa alaykum salaam,

    Jazak Allah khair sisters anabellah and ummof4 I really appreciate the quick feedback. Alhamdulillah, I am on the right track. That was one of my concerns that my husband may see me in a bad light if said anything. The only other thing I can add is the the answer to ummof4 question. I know my husband doesn’t know because I know my husband this is his method of operation he jumps the gun on marriage. Especially if she is a sister in need. It was a little different with me, I was recommended to him and he was able to meet my family before deciding to marry me. Again sisters Jazak Allah khair for the much needed advice, I will be sure to come back here again.

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You made me laugh when you said, ” Unless you feel that your husband’s life is in danger (she just got out of prison for poisoning her former husband), then leave the matter alone.” You made an EXCELLENT point with the child abuse situation as well. What you said that was real heavy was that, “Allah always reveals the truth about a person.” True that. What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.

  • ummof4

    August 4, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Patrice, I agree with what Ana has said. Ana is correct in saying that people can repent, what was in the past should remain in the past. One exception may be if she was convicted of a crime that involved abuse of children. If that is the alarming info you found out, then you might not want to have any children you may have be alone with her.
    Also, how do you know that your husband doesn’t know the information that you do? There have been several times in my life when I advised people on marriage and found out that they already knew the “bad things” about their prospective spouse(s). Apparently it was something they could live with because they married.

    Once I advised a young man about marrying a young woman as a second wife. I knew both of them well, but I had known the young man since he was a toddler. He asked me for my advice on marrying the young woman. I informed him of what I knew about her and gave him my opinion on the union, based on what I knew of him and his personality. Well, they divorced a couple of months later and the young man told me I was right; he couldn’t deal with the young woman as his wife. She has since married another young man and they have been married for several years.

    So, just be cautious in your relationship with your husband’s other wife and develop the relationship with her that you are comfortable with. Unless you feel that your husband’s life is in danger (she just got out of prison for poisoning her former husband), then leave the matter alone. Allah always reveals the truth about a person.

    Everyone have a pleasant day praising Allah, thanking Allah and obeying Allah.

  • anabellah

    August 4, 2015

    @Patrice, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m very glad you found this blog. I’m happy to hear that you found the article useful. I think you’re right not to say anything to your husband for the reasons you gave. I don’t think you should tell your husband anything about the information that you found. I have learned that most men don’t want to know the truth about their wives if the truth is negative. They want to only believe the good. They want to believe only what they want to believe. If you reveal information that causes him to view her in a negative light, he most likely will blame you for messing up his dream. He will blame you for showing her in a light that he didn’t want to see. You will become the bad person. He will begin to dislike you, not her. He will see you as the trouble maker. He will make accusations against you.

    Use the information for yourself to HELP you determine whether to befriend her or not. Allah tells us not to take those outside our rank into our intimacy. You really need information that would give you an idea of her level of faith. If what you found, for instance, is that she has a criminal history. She may have repented and Allah forgave her. Allah says a believer is one who repents. Is she straight up non-Muslim – won’t give the salaams, says she’s not Muslim, says she doesn’t fast or doesn’t pray. I have spoken to females who say they are Muslim. They don’t cover, and have told me that they don’t fast, and don’t offer salat. The information is only good for the moment, as people can change, if it pleases Allah.

  • Patrice

    August 4, 2015

    As salaamu alaykum,

    Masha’Allah, this article has been so useful to me sister. Thank you so much for writing it. Insha’Allah, I would like to ask you for advice regarding a particular part of the article. My husband married my co-wife in less than a week with little to no research on her. Now that she is my co-wife and before I decide to embrace her as a friend I investigated her. I found some alarming information but I didn’t say anything to my husband cause I feel that is not my place; it may cause fitnah. What do I do with this information, do I remain quiet? Or do I keep this information in mind when it comes to my relationship with her?

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @Mina,

    Thank you for explaining a bit more about what has been going on in your life. I have a better understanding now. It does appear that forgiveness doesn’t seem to be a major issue for you. There is so much more. I’m glad ummof4 asked you some questions. It’s good the blog is helping you as an outlet to release your thoughts and feelings.

  • anabellah

    August 3, 2015

    @ummof, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Very nice posts. I like the detail and your elaboration.

  • ummof4

    August 3, 2015

    Mina, thank you for clarifying your situation. I thought that you had found out about your husband’s other wife recently; now I know that you have been in this situation for most of your marriage, over 5 years.
    Your husband seems to be insisting that you all are one big happy family, even though you don’t want to. This is causing you distress and bad feelings towards your husband.
    This is a great place to vent. The sisters here are one big family. May Allah grant you ease.

  • Mina

    August 3, 2015

    Forgiveness doesn’t even come into it anymore because it’s been so long and I don’t even think of it like that anymore, it’s just become a part of my life something I was meant to experience and endure but we do have free will and we have to make difficult choices sometimes. If a situation brings out the worst in you even after all this time and there nothing to be gained then why carry on? One example,before I got married I would always try and pray during last ten nights of ramadhan but since being married I haven’t ever down that just because I don’t have that positive influence around me and I know that’s within my control but spouses are supposed to help each other and bring each other closer to Islam and jannah. My self esteem was really low for a while after discovering this but alhumdulliah I’m my own person I have strong family support and even though they don’t know about any of this,I feel comforted that they’re there for me so I don’t have self esteem issues as such, I have a good job and do well and work hard. That said, I ways feel embarrassed I the community because I know that a lot of people local to us must know about his other wife and they full-story, and I feel I let my parents down by choosing this’ll above all others,myparents had high hopes for me and it must’ve broke their heart when this man asked for my hand in marriage because they probably already knew it would end in disaster.
    I could keep talking about this forever and never run out of things to say but I’ll stop there.
    Jzk for reading and for ur Duas and words of support. Xx

  • Mina

    August 3, 2015

    Salam sisters Fatima a a and ummof4
    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and understanding, I can’t believe after all this time I feel I can actually ‘talk’ to people who understand πŸ™‚
    Apologies maybe I didn’t explain very well but we’ve been married almost six years now but I actually found out about the other marriage six months into our marriage so 5.5 years ago, in response to one of the questions, how I found out… Basically a few weeks after we got married he started making excuses about spending th nite with his kids at his parents house,this happened a few times and it was enough to start arguments especially since I had gone out of my way to rent a house with space for his kids to stay over with us. Anyway this continued trot some time and came to a head about six months later, I accused him of still being married he finally confessed that he was but continued to make stories about how and why e.g him and his other wife both told me that they thought his divorce wasn’t valid as it was pronounced whist she was on her periods etc just lies really, a few more arguments later I discovered that he had faked a divorce with her through the courts then did nikah with her again just before we were due to get married,his family knew his wife knew he knew and now I knew. After months of crying fighting etc I finally accepted that this was my destiny and promised myself I would try to make it work. Things got better between me and his kids and me and him but he consisted pushed me into being friendly with her and I had to see her every time I went to in laws and on eid etc and s do. We were pleasant to each other and I can’t blame her for what’s happened because I can see she just tried to salvage some of kid of marriage and did what she had to do. Things probably got worse after we had our first child together three years ago after this sudden everything f was about him making my daughter close to his other kids and to the other wife to the point where he and his family encourage my daughter to cal her ‘mummy’,to me that’s really hurtful because mum is such a special relationship and I never wanted his kids to call me mum either because they have a mum and No1 can replace your mum. Anyway for the last few years things have just become worse where his main aim in life is to bring his kids and his two families together at whatever cost and as a result we now don’t have a relationship at all. I’ve tried talking I’ve prayed, I’ve bitten my tongue to prevent many an argument as has he I’m sure but I feel trapped and hurt. He gives me more time but gives her most of his money, while I have to work full time. His family act as if nothing hung has ever happened, my family don’t even know the situation and I feel my daughter is slipping away from me too because he pushes so much in that direction. He still lies and hides things from me. I’m truly overwhelmed and fed up of trying. I’ve been patient I’ve been tolerant but I think sometimes the more u give the less u get back. Deep down he’s a nice guy and I know he did all this because he loved me, no one else would go to the lengths he did, believe me I’ve kept most of the details out of the story above but he is a compulsive liar, has Islamic knowledge but doesn’t practice at all and hasn’t changed any of this in the last six years. I suggested counselling soon after I found out the truth but he’s never been interested. And when I found out I did ring shariah council etc and they told me that his marriage to her is not even valid because of the marriage divorce marriage divorce dramas they ha even doing but Allah knows.his kids are teenagers now and although the they’re polite to me etc they’re growing up and must be realising some of what went on and because of that I don’t even think they like me at all either but sadly I dot. Really feel anything for them either.
    I know no one can make a decision for me or make all of this better but it does feel good to be able to vent my thoughts and feelings.

  • Fatima

    August 3, 2015

    I agree with Ummof4, that is a very sensible way to approach the situation, unfortunanlty for me i didn’t have any type of support group only this blog, The good thing is that Allah will help you if you turn to him and has given women a way out if everything doesn’t work too, he has aloud us to not have to despair and we should never because he is always opening doors of oppurtortunitys for his creation good luck mina my prayers are with you too.

  • ummof4

    August 3, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mina, yes, your husband did misrepresent himself when he married you. You did not know about his other wife, and it is very likely that she did not know about you as well. So,after 6 years the truth came out. How did you find out? That may determine how quickly you may heal. Did he tell you? Did his other wife tell you? Did you hear it through the grapevine? Did you suspect that he had another wife and confronted him about it? Did you happen to meet his other wife and his children?

    Now that you know, it is understandable that you feel the way you do towards him. It’s as if you never really knew the man you married and have loved for the past 6 years. You need some space and time to sort things out.

    My advice is that you seek counseling from a third party. If your family is Muslim, try to keep it in the family and seek the counsel of wise elders from both of your families as it says in the Qur’aan. If that is not possible, seek the advice of a qualified Muslim marriage counselor. The local masjid may have good marriage counseling services or may be able to refer you to someone.

    If talking to your husband makes you upset and only turns into an argument, then don’t attempt to carry on conversations, but be cordial. Every Muslim deserves salaams and kind treatment.

    Above all, ask Allah to help you and guide you. Ask Allah to help you lose your anger and make the decision that is best for you and your life in this life and the next.

    Believe me, you can heal. If you can have a cordial conversation with your husband, let him know that this is not the time for you to befriend his other wife, no matter how sweet she is. You two need to work on restoring what you and your husband had. if it is what you both want and need.

    I’ll make du’ah for you.

  • Fatima

    August 3, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum, I’m still reading the blogs ❀️❀️❀️, I have advice for mina, I Remeber for me I went through a roller coaster when it came to my co wife, at the start I was similaor to you I didn’t have the best relationship with husband and I was not happy or confident in my life and self and at the same time had to deal with finding out accepting and trying to make it work Aswell as trying to be close to cowife, Please don’t Rush urself don’t set up expectations for urself and if ur husband has a expectation of you he has or will get hidden resentment, expectation= resentment = failiure, all you can do is have hopes, but that being said like what Ana was saying forgive him, accept ur situation, set ur priorities and Goals in ur life, work towards them step by step and always put Allah infrint of everything You do and think. If you have resentment for his other wife, you need to put that focus on urself, do you have low self esteem I know I did, concentrate on urself now it’s the best time to change and revaluate urself and become a better person or the person u may dream to become Take this advantage ! Never underestimate the power of allah I love the verse in the quran ( Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a people u til they change what’s in themselves) I remeber a saying yoi know how you go on a airplane if there is a accident and the oxygen falls you put the mask on urself before a child, you have to fix urself before you can fix anyone or anything else, take advantage surely it can turn I to a blessing I say this because this is what has been happening to me, all bad feeling and resentment is harming ur own soul ignore them trust me won’t help you, I was bad I know what it’s like but now 1 year later alhumdulia God truely helps those you strive and want his help and thanks to ana and her blog I made it through and live is much more blissful than before, remeber life is a test but yu have 50% control over it and Allah decrees what happens in ur life but has given you a portion of freedom and choice so take it to ur advantage and when yu obey Allah he will love you and will look after u no matter what! I read this saying too which is inspiring if all the people are pleased and happy with you and Allah is not what have you gained, if Allah is happy and pleased with you and all the people are not what have you lost?, keep positive sister life can be great !

  • anabellah

    August 2, 2015

    @Mina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hello and welcome. It’s good to have you here. I’m sorry to hear you and your husband are at a crucial point in your marriage right now. I could only imagine how devastated you were to learn your husband was married to someone else the 6 years you have been married to him.

    I truly believe the only way you will be able to move forward in your marriage to him is to forgive him. Allah tells us that even when we are angry, we should forgive. Allah is an Oft-forgiving and Merciful God. Shouldn’t we be, as well? We aren’t better than Allah. We shouldn’t be arrogant to think that we too good to forgive.

    I’m sure your husband feels very badly about what he has done. Now, should you befriend his other and the children? Let him know that you can’t do it right now. You just need to get him and your marriage back to a good place. You don’t have to befriend her. Let him know that you are doing a lot by just tolerating the situation. I’d suggest you find it in yourself to forgive him as Allah tells us to forgive and try to move your marriage forward. We all err. Allah said if it was not for His Mercy, we’d all be in Hell.

  • Mina

    August 2, 2015

    Salam alaikum
    Really interesting to come across this page and the discussions and advice within, much of it I can relate to as I am struggling in my marriage,after almost 6 years. Mostly because of the level of betrayal that was involved, I didn’t know at the time of marriage that my hisband was still married. Anyway ever since he truth came out, he has tried to make me and her ‘friends’ and also tried to make a relationship between me and his 2 kids. Sadly there’s too much water under the bridge and despite trying and trying, i feel we are becoming even more distant. He spends one night a week with her and the rest with me but we sleep in separate rooms, his choice and have no social life together and no shared interests anymore. I feel we are now at a crossroads and can never have. A normal marriage polygamous or otherwise. I feel resentment towards his kids and family and although the co wife is pleasant and friendly and God fearing, I just can’t get over how all of this came about. It has now been almost 2 weeks since husband and I spoke to each other despite living in the same house. Who knows what he future holds.

  • coco

    November 6, 2014

    Gail
    Awwwww thanks that really means a lot! πŸ™‚ xo

  • Gail

    November 1, 2014

    Coco,
    I just love your personality and your attitude towards Polygamy and your devotion to try to make it work.If anyone stands a chance of making it I believe it is you.

  • Gail

    November 1, 2014

    Spirited,
    I love listening to how people deal differently with the same exact situation.Yes I remember u saying u were a virgin.I have to say I am shocked though that it didn’t effect u more deeply and I don’t mean that in a bad way at all I think it is amazing actually.
    It also could be that u being raised Muslim knew that Polygamy is accepted in Islam as to where I never had heard of such a thing growing up and having the idea of one man and one woman and the jealousy that goes with that.

  • coco

    November 1, 2014

    Gail
    I always love hearing about your children and after reading about your kids I get that they all love each other to different degrees which is fine as long as they love one another, my parents they are attached to one or two siblings more than the others even though they are non polygamous so it sounds pretty natural to me. I love that your daughter is the boss of all hehehehe girls have a way of being the centre of it all πŸ˜‰ we got the charm! Okay now about the co-wife I am keeping in mind and preparing that I may never be accepted by her or I may be embraced by her and yes it all depends whether she’s influenced more by her mother or husband but regardless it won’t be a walk in the park. I know you’d give me 100 pointers if you could but one can never be totally prepared for a storm as you don’t know how bad the impact will affect your surrounding once it hits. I can just hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Yes I agree with you and no we don’t plan on going behind everyone’s back I will make sure his parents know and that co-wife knows and gets a fair chance to process and do what she needs to before we marry. I also agree there will be a a** beating but how we do it will have affect on the severity of the a** whooping lol I’m not worried about whether she will accept or not I mean yes she’s going to want my blood for a good while but nonetheless I have to keep patient while he helps her cope with the pain she will endure. To answer your question yes I am a virgin Alhumdullilah and a best friend of mine did tell me the exact same thing you’re saying that you don’t realise the deep connection you make with another after intimacy and it’s really gonna hit you hard knowing that he does the same with another even if not to the same degree. But I reckon it may be a bit easier as we both wives won’t be living under the same roof or have to be in each other’s face to result in growling as we will be living far apart initially I know he will take time before he gets us to connect with each other. I lost my mind long ago I did feel a rush of emotion and pain for a good while before I came to the blog I had around 3 months to process the fact that what we dreamt of how we longed each other, the life we had imagined has been tainted permanently, to realise and accept the fact that he was now sharing a bed a life that was supposed to be with me as a wife was snatched by his parents and put in to her hands. Every night I felt the most excruciating pain in the pit of my stomach of just the thought of him even touching her with the tip of his finger but I could utter nothing of it to him because she was in his nikkah and Islamically he could touch her in any way way or however many times he pleased to. The ache that I felt knowing that the kids we talked and planned to have would be with her first is indescribable and I couldn’t do anything because she was his wife and had a right to share children with him. But I was meant to endure this it was Allah’s will so how can I complain? I felt immense anger I felt rage but not towards her even for a second it was all directed towards him she didn’t do a damn thing to me she was innocent and oblivious to us so I have nothing but love for her. She might not care that we loved each other before she got married she may think he’s her property as in all honesty she did become his wife before me regardless of the past. The only motto I have to keep till it breaks through her is “love begets love and hate begets hate” I have to be patient and hold faith in Allah for as long as it takes. I hold him accountable for the mess but he’s trying to make the best of the situation and clean up the mess he’s matured he’s changed mashAllah He’s strong and assertive about how he will handle “us” as a trio. Gail I think I was more at ease to process this pain because I knew that he loves me and he had to do this for his family honour, tribe name, so by going through with this wedding he dodged a bullet yes I’d rather have him alive and share with a co-wife then him dead 6 feet under the ground. I do empathise with my future co because when she sits there and analyses this whole scenario she will come to realise that okay so when he married me he was in love with her the whole time, from the start he was waiting and counting till he can make her his wife like he planned to. I just hope she will come to realise that he has come to care for her and is going to continue giving her respect and her rights as a wife. I know intimacy might throw my perspective to the curb and maybe I will become selfish and develop ill will but the thing is I don’t care if he loves her he can she’s his wife why should she be neglected of his love? All I care about is that the love he has for me is there and Alhumdullilah it is. As I’ve stated before I think the choice of a woman to embrace polygyny or not depends on the husband as he plays a pivotal role like is he able to make both feel secure, respected and equal while keeping separate? How he deals with both wives is crucial in setting the tone for how the wives will respond to each other and him. Lastly I replied back to your precious post in the November discussion. xo

  • Spirited

    November 1, 2014

    Hey guys, Salaam

    Gail, I just wanted to hop in on what you mentioned to Coco. I think the reaction or feelings would be different for everyone when their husband goes off lusting after another woman. Whether a person was a virgin or not, the initial feeling of hurt or feelings of not being adequate would be there, but the intensity might be different. You said you don’t think you’d have handled it well if your husband was your first, but I’m sure many women here were virgins when they married and they’re doing ok and handling it. I was a virgin and I’m ok (I think I’m doing ok).

    The real problem would be the trust issues, the unnecessary lying right to the wife’s face, etc (and you know that was my big problem too). Sometimes, the disrespect and lying is worse than any jealousy.

    I’m happy that you guys are here for all that though πŸ™‚ Just wanted to add in my two cents regarding that

  • Gail

    November 1, 2014

    Coco,
    Seriously Don’t worry about the long run.Polygamy can work esp for the children.I won’t lie your cowife may never accept u or she may except u with open arms it is really hard to say and it will depend on her attitude towards polygamy and her mothers attitude as I am sure u well know I am sure.
    I wish I could give u pointers to secure your future and u getting along with your cowife but I totally failed miserably when it came to dealing with my own Pakistani cowife and her insane mother.
    I will say this and u mark my words on it if u will both go into the marriage and straight up tell his wife and his family instead of going off and doing it then letting them know afterwards I really believe in the long run after the dust has settled everyone will respect the situation a million times more.There is something to be said for honesty is the best policy even though you may get your A$$ beat initially.lol
    I remember u saying he would tell them but I can’t remember if it was before or after u were married.Don’t be so worried either she will accept or not and it really will depend on how much u both r willing to accept each other.
    Listen one thing with u Coco I am little concerned about that I have not mentioned before is if u r a virgin and I have no idea if u r or not but if u are I am concerned that once u have sexual intercourse and the deep feelings that come with that if u r going to be able to handle the emotions that come with Polygamy.They r very powerful the jealousy feelings and the anger etc.. I am concerned more for u going through that and after having intimacy with him u may have a change a heart that Polygamy is way to intimate or u could be totally fine with it.I am very curious to see how it works out for u.
    I know for me I could not be a virgin and do polygamy.I would not be able to control my emotions to be frank.
    I am telling u this for your sake as well as your cowife sake.I don’t know if u have thought about this or not and the emotional side of a virgin wife having to share her husband.To me that would be the equal to me getting a knife through the heart.I want u to keep this in your mind as u go forward because it is totally possible she may feel like what I described or that u feel that way.It is an emotion that is the hardest to control.

  • Aisha

    November 1, 2014

    I hear you sis Gail but in my family it was kinda different from yours…I mean we all love each other that’s for sure because our mothers always encouraged that but I have to say this lol don’t get me rong but if I found my lil sis fighting with my other sis from my other mom I would side with my real sis Iif u know what I mean…but all in alll we love each other without saying who is from which mother,we dont recognise those boundaries so to say

  • Gail

    November 1, 2014

    Coco,
    I can answer that question about Polygamy siblings.My 3 younger children from the polygamous marriage accept each other 100% and make no difference even though they know they come from different mothers.Now granted I am raising all the children even my excowifes children but yeah they see each other the same as real brothers and sister.My older son who was not raised in Polygamy he is 20 and he does feel a difference between the children.He has never said it but I get the feeling he is closer with his baby brother the 9 yr old than he is with his other brother who is 13 and his adopted brother(my excowife son)even my adopted son I raised from a 1 yr old baby.Even my older son taught my 13 yr old son to speak english when he was 2 and came to USA.Don’t get me wrong he loves his 13 yr old brother but I just get this feeling he has a closer attachment with hie baby brother and the baby brother has a closer attachment with the 13 year old and my daughter she is the BOSS of all of them.lol
    I should mention my 9 yr old lovessssssssss his sister most and the sister loves the 13 yr old the most. So in my family everyone loves someone else different the most.It’s crazy I know but somehow it all works.LOL
    That is how it works in my family.I am sure every family is different though. I would also like to here how Aisha siblings interact.

  • coco

    November 1, 2014

    Aisha
    Thank you so much for shedding some light sister I find myself so infatuated with your upbringing I pray for such an ideally bonded family unit inshAllah. πŸ™‚ A question when it comes to your siblings from your mother and the ones from your other mom does the bond between all you siblings vary or you love the others equally without bias?

  • Gail

    October 31, 2014

    Ana,
    Thanks I love being part of the blog to.

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2014

    @Mari2,

    You said you practically need a flow chart Word Your husband is a smart man to say “just stay out of it.” It was very interesting though and I’m glad you shared the story with us. It’s good to know how other people live. We can learn so much from one another and from who and what we each know and experience. It’s remarkable.

  • Mari2

    October 30, 2014

    @Ana,
    I can understand your confusion regarding who is who. I practically need a flow chart myself. M’s entire reaction to the Eid Suit drama was to just stay out of it. He refused to call anyone, or do anything. His definition regarding the entire hoopla was “stupid”. When he was telling me about it, I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity of it all or cry because such a fitna could arise from clothing.

  • anabellah

    October 30, 2014

    Gail,

    Sometimes we just can’t see certain things for the longest. Now, I realize it wasn’t time for us to see. Allah wrote the script. We needed to go through what we did exactly the way we did for us to get to where we are today and it could not have been any other way. You said you are a much better person today for having experienced polygamy.

    I am a much better person today for having had my experiences, as well. I needed certain experiences to bring home some things Allah says in the Holy Quran. I needed to experience what I went through with people hating on me, hating the blog and trying to wrong me and my family. I’m grateful to Allah/God for it all and for His protection, help and guidance.

    I try not to refer to the other characters I used to write about or my personal life in details on the blog, as there are some people who know my real identity and that of my husband. It’s okay. It was time to let others open up about them and put my life aside for a while. I wrote about those characters for 5 1/2 years. It was time for me to lay them to rest.

    Gail, I’m very happy Allah has given us this forum. If we could help just one person with our writings here, we have done a lot. Alhumdulliah (praise be to God) for the blog and all the wonderful people that He has here on it.

    I’m glad you’re part of the blog family here, Gail

  • Gail

    October 30, 2014

    Ana,
    Yes I agree now it was for the best that we went r separate ways.I am happy in my life now and I’m satisfied it is over.Took awhile but I finally understand it was for the best.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    Mari2,

    I’m really not at all surprised about the clothes drama after hearing Gail’s real life story and all how the families in Pakistan function. It’s chaotic. I have a difficult time keeping up with who is who – this cousin married that cousin and that cousin married this cousin and the one cousin is the “it” cousin and another cousin is intended to the other cousin. It makes my head spin I really do try to keep up, but it goes way over my head πŸ™

    @Aisha,

    I enjoy reading the story of your life living polygamy. It’s inspirational. It’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I pray the best for you with the cultural factors you have to deal with. I think you’ll be okay based on what you said about Allah and that He already has the solution. You go girl! I love what you said.

    @Gail,

    I think it was way best you and your hubs went your separate way from ex-co. It just doesn’t sound it would have been workable. I think your husband truly knows ex-co better than you and knew there would be irreconcilable differences between the three of you had she remained his wife based on the circumstances that existed. We plot and we plan, but God is the Master Planner. It simply didn’t play out the way ex-co expected it would.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    @Josh, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Josh, I don’t know the laws in the country that you live, regarding domestic violence/domestic abuse situations or if there are any. In the U.S. a person can get a “Restraining Order”/”Order of Protection” in domestic situations in which there is abuse. You may want to consider it, if the option is available where you live. In the U.S. the person who is abused could have the abuser removed from the home. It would be easier for you to stay in the home with your children, and have him removed. Anyway you look at it, you are the one who must take action – patience, perseverance and pray is action as well. Sometimes there are not many options one can readily take. You know the options available to you better than I do. You could make your intent and put your faith and trust in Allah.

    The ayat (verses) from the Holy Quran that address your situation are as follows:

    “And for those who launch a charge against their spouses, and have (in support) no evidence but their own,- their solitary evidence (can be received) if they bear witness four times (with an oath) by Allah that they are solemnly telling the truth;” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 6

    “And the fifth (oath) (should be) that they solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 7

    “But it would avert the punishment from the wife, if she bears witness four times (with an oath) By Allah, that (her husband) is telling a lie;”
    Quran: Surah 24, ayah 8

    “And the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth.” Quran: Surah 24, ayah 9

    Josh, I wonder how brave your husband would be to take such an oath to invoke the curse upon him for his false allegations against you…

  • Aisha

    October 29, 2014

    @sis Josh I am really saddened by ur story…ur husband needs help and so do u.I have a feeling his anger sterms from somewhere in his past,no 1 just wakes up and decide to beat up their wife..keep praying and seek help before it too late.I have heard a lot of stories where the husband abuses the wife and eventually the wife snaps and ends up killing the husband….I know u dont want to end up in such a situation please sister seek help

    @sis Maria2 lol ur eid suit story cracks me up,why the hell would people fight over a suit! like for the why really

  • Gail

    October 29, 2014

    Aisha,
    I loved your story about your family.It is a very beautiful story and I have been a huge advocate on the blog for cowives with children to get along for the sake of the family unit.It just seems like the G.DLY thing to do.I would never say it is easy as I myself have lived Polygamy and have also lived with my own cowife now excowife for 8 yrs off and on.In my case we didn’t have a problem sharing hubby sexually we had problems of who was in charge of the children.I had raised the children and been responsible for them from nearly birth.Their oldest son was around 13 months old when hubby and I married and he lived with us from day one of our marriage and called me mom.Cowife was 8 months pregnant when hubby and I married so our daughter was born into the Polygamous marriage and same with my son.I tried to work it out with my cowife at the time but when u have someone working against u no good can come from it.
    Aisha take the information and the stories we are telling u and process it but don’t let it discourage u from trying with your own cowife.
    Your cowife could be the exception to the rule u never know unless u try.
    I just wanted to give u a heads up so if u see any funny business going on will be able to compare notes with us girls who have or had Pakistani cousin cowives.Please Please do not be discouraged.I love that u r here with us on the blog.Hugs Gail

  • Gail

    October 29, 2014

    Mari2,
    I forgot to say YESSS I know about Pakistani drama first hand and it has this strange way of drawing people into the strangest dramas.

  • Gail

    October 29, 2014

    Mari2,
    I can totally relate to what u r saying.I was so angry when we were in Pakistan 3 yrs ago that on my sister inlaws marriage I refused any clothes my mother inlaw tried to buy for me or my children.I was so disgusted with the family that time and sat in my small back home for 3 months never leaving it.I would not go next door to my inlaws and I wanted nothing to do with them.At the time I had made my mind to divorce my husband and I even at one point kicked him out of the home when his entire family and excowife family was there.He was in the street for 2 days screaming at me like some NUT to let him in the home I flat would not listen or acknowledge him for 2 days.I did not accept food for me and the children and the children and I were sick to top it all off.The very small amount of food I had which believe me was next to nothing I had to portion out for the children so that I could have enough to feed the children a small amount to keep us going.During that time my cowife did not bring us any food nor did my husband to leave by the door either.I can not describe to u how much anger and hatred I had at the time for that entire family
    The only reason I ended up opening the door after 2 days is because my husband had scaled the roof and got in through the bars on the roof and was standing outside my bedroom door begging me to let him in.I was out of food for the kids and my kids were sick and looking at me because they were hungry.I did still try to tell him to get lost but the night before he had slept out in the garage area and would not sleep in his mothers home.Long story short I had no intentions of going to his sisters wedding with cowife and he was trying to push me and I was not having it.There was no way I was going to stand next to him and look like a fool screw that I had no interest.
    I did eventually open the door after his sister wedding dinner that night and I tore into my husband why he did not leave food for the children at least and what a horrible human being he was etc… he had enough by them and was mentally broken and fell to his knees grabbing my feet begging my forgiveness.That was seriously the most anger I had ever felt in my entire life until this day.
    Do u know why I got so Pissed?? He had decided to get rid of cowife 2 weeks after us returning to Pakistan.He had caught her in alot of lies that involved his sisters and the straw that broke the camels back is she lied against me and said I had lied and made up a story about her saying she said bad about his sisters which was a lie.My husband said he could not handle her calling me a liar.
    Now on my side I said that is fine let her go back to village then and not have her at the wedding he said his mom and dad said to wait till after the wedding and get rid of her and I said u r going to pick because I will never stand beside u when people do not know the truth that I am your one and only wife.I flat told him either her or me and the kids will be at the wedding and by him not standing up to his parents/ !@#$%^&**(&&^^^^^^^&**(()))))*&&^^^%$$$####)((*&*())*&^%%##@@#$%^ insert alot of curse words in here I locked him out of the house.I flat told him and her to her face and in front of husband that he is giving her oral talaq when we leave and I made him tell her.She said she was going back the village etc.. when we left and I flat told her why don’t u go before the wedding and I made hubby ask her also knowing he was giving her talaq to just go.She said no it was her cousins marriage etc,, and she was not going.
    I said ok fine but I and the children are not going so Screw u both.
    Long story short she went to the wedding and the night before we left for USA he gave her oral talaq like I said and she cried like a baby and I was there with her when he gave her.Also she cried on my shoulder and said why he left her.I flat took the opportunity and told her next time u r married and your husband tells u he wants to remarry and u r to hide the facts u better run not walk to the other woman and tell the truth.She stopped crying and looked at me.I told her straight to her face.I told u the entire time the last 3 months he was going to give u oral talaq and I never lied to u.It was more than u EVERRRR did for me.I told her stop crying it will do no good what is done is done.There is more to the story but I will end it here.We left Pakistan she called us a few times trying to get husband to divorce me and he told her to get lost.

  • anabellah

    October 29, 2014

    Josh, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you’re back with us, but am sadden that things have not gotten better between you and your husband.

    There is an oath in the Holy Quran that Allah swt advises a husband and a wife to take when one of them accuses the other of an offense or heinous act such as adultery, and there are no witnesses. The curse of Allah will befall the one who is not truthful, whether it’s the one accused of adultery or the accuser. I doubt your husband would invoke the oath based on the type of person that he appears to be. It’s available should you want to bring it to his attention and you feel safe doing so.

    I think it’s important that you seek safety from the physical and psychological abuse of your husband. I don’t know how domestic violence is handled in the country you live in. Are there shelters or places there where women could go who are abused? If not, I’d suggest you go to your family (even though they aren’t Muslim and reject you and your marriage), and let them know what is happening between you and your husband. Allah may have them show some compassion towards you till you could get back on your feet (stable enough) to go make another move in the near future, if necessary. Let them know you fear for your safety, and need them to help you. In order for you to do this, you have to intend not to return to him, unless you have clear proof that he has received some type of help for his problems and it won’t be overnight. Allah has to help him or make it happen. He won’t change overnight, so you should prepare to be away from your husband for a good amount of time, if not permanently.

    The problem that I foresee is that many women who are abused pack up and leave for a moment and then go right back to the husband and the cycle of abuse continues all over again. It’s repeatedly back and forth before they finally leave for good; they don’t return to the abuser. Family and friends get very frustrated with the women when it happen as they can’t understand why the women keep going back.

    There is a chance your family will help you, if you could assure them that you have set your mind to making a change in your life, and will leave the marriage indefinitely or leave him definitely, if he continues to be abuse you. You need to make your intent as to how you will proceed. I think your family needs to know that you intend to make a clean break from your husband in order for them to help you.

    If you can’t leave your home and go to a shelter or your family, then you will need try to avoid your husband as much as possible, try to avoid any discussions with him, as it may lead to an argument. You must turn your attention to Allah, offer all your salat (5 daily prayers); zikr (remember Allah) constantly, read Quran and try to serve Allah as best you can until Allah gives you a solution to the problem. Allah will help you. You need to do your part, and make it a permanent part of your life, not just to resolve the problem.

    We are here for you whenever you need to talk about it.

  • Ina

    October 29, 2014

    @ Mari2, that is hilarious story. It’s unbelievable how something so minor can become such a major issue. I find a lot of the very good comedies have a ring of truth to them. It’s funnier when you can relate to it.

  • ummof4

    October 29, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Mari2, Thanks for sharing the story of the Eid suit. It sounds like a sitcom, but I know that it’s real. May Allah protect us all from such foolishness. This is what happens when culture trumps Islaam.

  • Josh

    October 29, 2014

    Asalamwalaikum to all.
    I used to write on this site concerning my problem zat of my abbusive hubby.
    He had been having an illicit relationship for ages.but when things were becoming serious n he was on the edge of marrying his girlfriend, the latter asked him to divorce me which my hubby opposed to coz of kids. n he discontinued wiz zat relation (to my knowledge)
    Ive already forgave him n still living wiz him even zat he still beats me hard, wiz his belt of strike me hard on my face.i have nowhere to go since i am a convert n my maternal family rejected me.
    Later he comes n says sorry n bla bla bla….im very disgusted by his attitude.
    Now he is accusing me of having an affair wiz someone who works where i work but who i hardly know.
    he again beat me hard on my face zis morning staying zat im acting like a saint and pretending to be a great woman.
    I ve told him zat only Allah knows the truth n im not answerable to all his rubbish.
    Ive also told him if he thinks of me as having an illicit relationship, to prove it cause blaming without proof is a very serious sin to my knowledge n zat Allah will judge me.
    He starting laughing at me n he told me not to use Allah’s name to hide my bad things.
    I again told him i fear Allah zat is why i would never do such a thing…n told him if i would have left him very long ago since he has been beating me….
    he asked me to leave the house treating me of a whore….with abbusive language…zat he cant live wiz a woman like me.
    Im at a lost.Please advise me.
    Salaam!

  • Aisha

    October 29, 2014

    @sis Coco well my family dynamic was very interesting my mother had 3 kids,my brothe,me my lil sister and my step mom had 2 after my mothr died she had another 2,so she had 4 kids…..my mother was worjing and step mom was a house wife,she did all the house chores and they shared my mom’s salary for their own personal staff like clothing,make up all that but children’s clothing came from our father,all the groceries,house bond you know all the important stuff.They loved each other like sisters….and used to fight like sisters…..each 1 was allowed to discipline all the kids even the ones who are not yours
    I barely spent time with my own mother,since she was always working,only saw her on weekends.so I spent most time with my step mom who is amazing till now.my mom died when I was 18 my lil sis was 12 it was a very painful time but my step mom was there for us until today she has been a wonderful mother
    I think if co wives have children then they should focus on the upbringing of the children,think about their childrens happiness rather than their own.in that way everyone will benefit…imagin if my mom’s didn’t get along,what would’ve happened to us after our mother passed on…..I wish the same for me and my future co but I doubt it will happen after hearing all this stories about pakistan tendencies

  • Mari2

    October 29, 2014

    @Ana,
    To really understand the crazy of Pakistan I shall share the drama (REAL, not bollywood made up) entitled: The Eid Suit.

    M’s younger sister M2 age 16 is engaged to a cousin R currently attending uni in the UK ( an actual good match, cousins notwithstanding). With the approach of Eid in October, the mother of R sent to M2 several suits (shalwar) as a gift. During the many Eid festivities, M2 on ONE night wore a suit of her own liking. This particular suit was NOT given to her by the mother of R. M2 went to a family function of her own family and cousins at her own family compound wearing a suit NOT sent by the mother of R. M2’s cousin named F has a wife. F’s wife called the mother and sister of R to report that M2 failed to wear a suit that R’s family sent to her (M2) for Eid. (I kid you not!). Then all SH&T hit the fan!

    The very next day the elder sister of R showed up at the home of M2 and berated her for being insensitive and disrespectful toward the family of her future husband and suggested that perhaps she (M2) wasn’t worthy of marrying her brother. M2 then phoned my MIL here in US hysterical. MIL immediately called mother of R begging forgiveness for M2’s supposed slight (she’s young, no mother in Pakistan to guide her, etc). In the meantime, MIL called M’s other sister H (in KSA) to complain about the treatment of R’s sister toward M2. H then called R in UK and yelled at him for his sister’s behavior. Poor R in UK was clueless as to Eid suits, and any supposed slights. He then called his mom and yelled at her for making M2 feel bad. Then the husband of H called her cousin F and blasted F for having a wife with a big mouth. So now, a big group of (related) people are upset BECAUSE OF A FREAKING SET OF CLOTHES!!!!!

  • Mari2

    October 28, 2014

    @Gail Yes I completely understand what you are saying about the innocent daughter taking up her mother’s mantle of “I want, you should..etc” after marriage. M understands that as well. Already mother of cousin has called him asking why M has not purchased cousin a cell phone. Apparently, it is now tradition in Pakistan for fiancees to purchase cell phones for impending brides in order to “stay in touch”. M’s response was “Why do wish your daughter to have a phone?” Then there was the whole gold vs gold plate discussion. M talks only to MIL or FIL and not to cousin. Or thru his mom who is constantly cajoling him to talk to soon to be MIL because soon to be MIL is complaining he doesn’t call enough….yada yada. Crazy.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    Gail and coco,

    Thank you both for elaborating on how family life works many times in Pakistan. Wow, how the family operates is very systematic over there. They’ve got it down to a science. Interesting.

    Gail, you had me laughing when you said ex-co-wife thought she should receive the money that you and your husband made from the ice cream business. You must have turned all shades of red LOL Sigh I just don’t know what to make of it all

    I’m glad you clarified about the “moon face” saying. You had mentioned it long ago on the other blog when you referred to your ex-co, but I thought you simply meant she had a big fat, round face. Show much for what I know LOL

  • Mari2

    October 28, 2014

    To clarify some things:

    @Ana…yes #1 had the marriage certificate and was the legal wife in USA. They might have remained married but #1 is rather crazy and her instability had more to do with the demise of their marriage than the family in Pakistan. M. was her 6th husband btw. That’s all I’m going to say about that scenario.

    M’s mother knows about me and my existence as his wife (Islamically). Cousin’s family has no clue. Neither does cousin. The rishta was done between cousin and M while he was still married to #1. Her family was fine with it. Why? This is my opinion: M. is a US citizen and M’s mother promised her brother he would divorce #1 prior to marrying cousin. Cousin girl has scoliosis issues in her neck which at the age of 17 has already impacted her stature (sadly). Father of cousin girl is rather poor, though wealthier than M’s mother, so he does not have the means to enter cousin into a non-family marriage situation that would benefit cousin girl. Marrying M to cousin girl finally gives M’s mom the power over the SIL and her own bro who made her (MIL) grovel when she was a widow. M doesn’t have the means (read: butt ton of money to spend on gold and crazy wedding trappings) so his ability to find an educated wife of means outside his family circle is highly limited in his country. And M is willing to forgo the usual dowry expectations from his cousin’s family. So, the marriage makes perfect sense in a tribal/familial kinda way. And YES, it is the expectation that M will bring cousin girl to US. HOWEVER, in the meantime, MIL will return to Pakistan where she resides with the cousin girl who gets to be the “it wife”. YAY FOR ME!!!!!! I have absolutely NO desire to be a Pakistani-style “it wife”. Woe be it to the “it wife” that doesn’t produce a male heir on her first try! Woe be it to the “it wife” who doesn’t clean the floor to her MIL’s satisfaction! Me? I prefer being the “under the radar wife”. Life is soooo much better that way.

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    Dear Lina,

    It’s good to hear from you again. It’s been a loooong time. I’m glad you like the topic for this thread.

    Lina, try not to concern yourself about being friends with your co right now. It’s just nice that you and she are cordial with each other and you like her. If Allah/God wants the two of you to be friends, it will happen quite naturally when He decides the time is right. My husband’s ex-wife used to strongly dislike me. I couldn’t understand why, as she and he had an amicable divorce and were good friends. Nonetheless, she and I are now friends. I never expected it to happen. We hang out together on occasions, as well. We both intend to invite each other to each others homes, but we’ve both got a lot of stuff going on right now. So, don’t concern yourself with whether you will be friends or not or when. Be happy and thankful to Allah that there is no animosity between the two of you, which is huge.

    You sound to be a realllllly nice person. In time your co may see the light and come around. Who knows she may end up being your bestee (best friend) one day. You sound to be a very likeable person

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Coco,
    I wanted to ask u if u and your man have set any plans and dates yet.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Coco.
    In my families case it was a bit different I agree because my inlaws live with me here in USA most of the year so my sister inlaw had to deal everything but normally u r right if the mother inlaw lives in Pakistan.I just wanted to clarify in my family it is a bit different since the inlaws r living in USA.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Ana,
    Coco is correct that my sister inlaw did not hold the money in her hand personally.
    I should have mentioned that the head daughter inlaw gets the money and properties in her hand after mother inlaw dies.lol It is something to look forward to.My own cowife was fault saying she could not wait until mother inlaw kicked the bucket/died so she would be able to spend unlimited amount on her clothes.My sister inlaw looked at her and said u r talking to me to my face telling me u can’t wait until my mother dies.
    So yes technically money doesn’t go into the elder daughter inlaw hands until she is dead or can no longer manage it.I should have been more clear.
    Now in saying that it does not mean daughter inlaw is waiting she gets what she wants when she wants and assigns chores to whomever she likes.
    They pretend to have respect for their mother inlaws but they really don’t.My mother inlaw would give the daughter inlaws gold on weddings to wear and they would never make it back home with the gold they always said they lost the gold but that was not the truth they gave the gold to their mothers and their mothers would sell it and get the cash out.
    Also keep in your mind they r in a position to manipulate the inlaws to get money out or if they have properties to let their family live for free.Headwife is an investment in the future.
    But yeah that is the way I have seen it acted out in my own family to be frank.It is very shocking.
    My mother inlaw asked me to take over her role 2 years ago and I flat told her no I would not be responsible for the family she said ok and said she would just divide the properties between the three brothers.I was like do whatever u like but leave me out of it.I am dealing my kids and husband and that is it.I told her flat I did not marry her son to take care of his entire family.Had I said yes all money would have went into my hand but I am not an idiot that I deal that bunch of misfits.lol There shopping habits rival those of the royals no thank u.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Ana,
    Yes the head of the house runs the show and everyone is under her mentally and financially.She is the queen bee and if u need or want anything thing then u have to suck up to her basically.I hate to say it like that is really how it comes across to me.Now in saying that there are alot of nice daughter inlaws that do a nice job but i honestly think most see is more like when we were in school as being big man on campus so to speak.I will also say this that head wife always goes to the oldest sons wife so in saying that now u can see why they want to marry up and older sons in a rich family would have their pick of the litter so to speak.All the girl cousins and their families are going to try hard to get that older boy.lol
    In my own husbands case my older brother inlaws wife she was the head of family before I entered the picture(they divorced 3 yrs into my marriage)She wanted her sister to marry with my husband but my mother inlaw stepped up and said no she did not like her sister.Mother or father inlaw or husband can overrule the head of home I should mention that because they r above her but it normally doesn’t happen except in a case where not all is agree for a marriage.Long story short my sister inlaw/head wife got pissed and said she was not going to live with the girl they chose because she did not like her she got angry because they did not pick her sister for marry.So they picked my excowife instead.Because of that one time they did not listen to my sister inlaw and pick her sister and they had given her power of the home she screwed up their entire family by marrying my husbands sister to her brother and then divorcing her and causing her younger brother and my husbands youngest sister not to marry.This is the nasty side of the head of house betraying the family.My excowife was part of that mess and after they divorced the head of house sister inlaw she was next in line she thought so she was waiting like a good little daughter inlaw until they stepped up and asked her.When she saw me and I showed her I was carrying thousands and thousands of dollars she went screaming to her mother that all that money should be in her hand not mine and I got shocked because I told ehr I would share with her when I accepted polygamy.Well that was not good enough for her she wanted the whole loot and I said wait just a D@mn minute here that is not my inlaws money this is my personal money from my husbands and My Ice cream Business.They did not care they said it is cowife money and I need to know my place and that is when I figured out this was a money game and always has been then I told her straight she will live under me or kiss off.My business my money for my kids and not for her family.I told excowife straight I would support her but not her family take it or leave it and she left it saying her parents wouldn’t agree and she was right they did not agree.

  • coco

    October 28, 2014

    Ana
    In our culture if the mother-in-law is alive and in her senses then all the money is kept with her as a sign of respect, it goes in her hands and is distributed back to the sons and daughter-in-laws however she wishes to. Gail’s case I find to be very rare and odd that while a mother is well and alive why is the money kept with the daughter-in-law that’s usually a huge insult and offence to the mother. The only time there’s such a case if for example the wives have a strong command on the husband, possibly out of pressure from their wife, the son may resent or hold lack of trust in their mother. Another factor that plays in Gail’s favour is that she was the foreign wife giving their son citizenship which meant they would eventually live in the states as well, it has happened so they would weigh her in gold if they could forget putting money in her hands cuz America is the place every Pakistani wants to be at the moment literally! The head wife just comes with unwanted shitty responsibilities to be honest lol the only perks might be that if gifts are given to the family from relatives or outsiders the elder daughter-in-law gets first pick or at family events such as weddings the eldest daughter-in-law gets to do the customary traditions first after the mother-in-law of course. Whoop de da I can’t be bothered lol

  • coco

    October 28, 2014

    Aisha
    Wow mashAllah you have such an admirable way of embracing calamities I absolutely agree that with Allah by our side there is nothing to fear because whatever problems may lie ahead our Allah swt already has a solution. I would love to hear of your experience growing up in a polygamous family I think we all can learn soooooo much from you as most here are co-wives rather than children from polygamous parents. With you we get the perspective of what our children will endure and experience. It’s really important for me to know that it’s possible to actually have love for a co-wife and for the children’s other mom. I would like to believe that once I embark in such a practice that the future kids would love both their moms and siblings genuinely. Please enlighten us sister. I’m glad you are here with us πŸ™‚ xo

  • Lina

    October 28, 2014

    Dear Ana,

    I like this topic very much as it’s related to me. I married a widower a year ago and he then remarry his ex-wife (of course I knew about it and I’m fine with his decision).

    I’m still unable to befriend with my co-wife but it does not mean that I do not respect her.

    I love her very much as she is part of my life. My motto in marriage is simple “I’ll love anyone that loved by my husband”. But, I feel uncomfortable to meet her and have activities together. Not for now, perhaps in a future.

    I respect her very much and when my husband spend his time at her house, I won’t contact him and do not want to hurt my co-wife’s feelings.

    I really adore women who could befriend her co-wife and spend time together as if they do not have jealousy towards the other wife.

    I accept polygamy and I do accept my co-wife but in the mean time, I find it difficult to meet her and feel uncomfortable to be together with her and my husband (ooppss….our husband) together..

  • Aisha

    October 28, 2014

    Yes sis Ana I am shocked as per my avatar lol……

    @sis coco thanx a lot for the advice,Allah will decide my fate and to be honest I am enjoying a good life with my husband here in S.A ,why would I want to stay in Pakistan.Thanx for making me realise being the “it wife” is not really a big deal for as I know my husband really loves me

    @sis Gail u didn’t hurt my feelings at all u just open my eyes to the harsh reality.and yes in S.A polygamy is ligal.concerning citizenship my husban had already 1 when we got married.and the girl he is supposed to marry is his cousin.

    @everyone…I am not bothered by my husband having a 2nd since I grew up in polygamous home,my father had 2 wives living in the same house,my mom was the first wife and they all lived peacefully and I grew up admiring poligamy but I never wished it for myself but always knew it could be a possibility.one thing I am realising is that mix raced poligamy. Marriages are a big hustle but with Allah by my side I should fear nothing coz I know whatever problems lie ahead my Rabb already has a solution…all I can say is Alhamdulillah

  • anabellah

    October 28, 2014

    Gail,

    Thank you for explaining it again. I think you had explained it on the other older polygamy 411, but I forgot. I guess I get confused about it being that Jenny’s supposed once upon a time co sat in Pakistan and took care of her husband’s mother. He sent the money to his mother. I can’t really rely on the story, as we know now some of the facts were missing. I was under the impression that the daughter-in-law cares for the mother-in-law and does all the household chores etc. But, I could see what you’re saying, and in that case it would be a Huge deal. The Head Wife is head honcho. I suppose if your husband re-married his ex-co, you’d be the Head Wife – Pakistani style, since there is no Head Wife in Islam – yes?

    You were correct, Gail. I didn’t understand. Does the Head Wife designate responsibilities, as well? I know in Pakistani families there are a lot of people living in the home.

  • Gail

    October 28, 2014

    Fatima,
    Why would they harass his mother if they r divorced.I don’t know about India but I will tell u in Pakistan once they cut of family members they cut them off period.No contact no talking totally finished.
    From what u said it really makes me wonder if they r still married and she is living at her families house.My excowife lived with her family when hubby was here living with me.I am kinda wondering if it is the same thing.
    ALso u said your husband pays support for the child that strikes me a as strange also because if u divorce and cut people off u don’t pay money unless it is court ordered so i find that really strange also.
    Is it possible that maybe it is not child support but just financial support for both the wife and child.
    Also why would they pressure his mom for what reason?There must be a reason to pressure her right.
    I don’t know if they r divorced or not but my guess is chances not if u have not seen any divorce papers.The only real thing I can think of is that they had all planning for his wife and child to come to USA to live with him and what they thought didn’t happen.
    Did u say once that her brother is an attorney in India.Not sure if I am remembering that correctly but if he is then he knows the law and he married her after marrying u and there is not a darn thing they can do about it except take it or divorce.The only thing they can do is B!tch is my thinking which they r doing according to your brother inlaw.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ana,
    U got the wrong Idea I think about head wife.
    The head of house/head wife is a very big deal.See woman don’t work as a general rule in Pakistan even if they r very educated they will normally not work as woman working looks bad on the husband like he can’t support his wife.Yes there are woman doctors and woman in government,teachers ect. but my hubby says as a norm woman just don’t work.
    Head of the house has more to do with financial matters and more importance in the family when it comes to make family decisions.Basically it is like being the owner of a company and everyone else is under u.
    This position is very important because it gives the head of house everyone’s money in her hand understand.
    Now think about it your husband is outside the country in USA or England and he send u back say 2,000 usa a dollars a month,then u have say 2 or 3 brother inlaws and one or 2 of them r also outside the country and they r sending the same as your hubby.Then u have family properties that bring in another several thousand of dollars per month.For a woman that has no income of her own and get access to so much cash right in her hand every month and not have to really be accountable to anyone where she spends it and what she does with it is a really good deal they think and it really is to be honest.There is alot of respect that comes with that position.
    That is why my excowife had a huge fit when she found out I was keeping all the money.She just ran straight to her mother and told her hubby was giving me all the money.Needless to say her parents started screaming.They had been waiting all those yrs in hope that their daughter was going to get all money in her hand so she could in return support them.It did not happen.
    I was not sure u totally understood about Head of family.

  • ~Fatima~

    October 27, 2014

    @Ana.. I think you are right. I feel he is being blackmailed over there.. His brother told me they harass his mother and she cries because they wont let her see her grandson and told her if she wants to see her grandson, she will have to take it to court..
    Sigh,,,,,
    And you are right.. Theres nothing I much can do…It will have to play itself out.Its beyond my control..
    Im tired tonight..Its been a long day.. 11 hours the store today.. paperwork, inventory, ordering.. ugggg
    Ummof4.. I also like what you said to Aisha.. when you really think about it, really who wants to take all that responsibility.. just to have a label.. headwife..lol. I mean seriously..

    I love the way you put it!

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    @Fatima,

    Hey there. I’ve got a strong feeling that your husband is contemplating something about the situation with his cousin. He catches an attitude when you bring up the subject or he lets you know he just does not want to discuss it. Why? He knows he has to deal with the matter sooner or later, and doesn’t want to. The ex-wife, if she actually is an ex, is withholding his son from him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t given him an ultimatum that he must do x, y or z in order to see his son. Your husband is agitated, as no one likes being blackmailed. No one likes having a gun held to his head.

    I simply think if he divorced her, and doesn’t care anything about seeing his son, he’d go about life as usual, dealing with his family here in the States (you and your daughters) and wouldn’t care whether you mentioned those people in Pakistan. There is some bad blood between your husband and the families in Pakistan and it’s boiling over into your life subtly.

    Anyhow, there isn’t much you could do about it. Put your faith and trust in Allah. Whatever is going on; it’ll all come out in the wash.

    @ummof4,

    You gave Aisha good advice.

    @coco,

    I like what you said to Aisha about the title of head wife. Who in their right mind living anywhere other than Pakistan would wants it? Aisha probably is living a nice life in South Africa and is fairly happy as much as we can be on this planet. She should thank Allah swt much, each and every day, at every salat that she doesn’t have to be a maid to someone’s mama. She needs to ask herself if it was what she dreamed of doing when she grows up – mopping somebody’s floors, preparing her meals, wiping her butt – being her maid? YOU MADE A VERY GOOD POINT!!!

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Ummof4,
    I really like what u said to Aisha about Obeying Allah and he will make it easy for u.I really do agree with that although for some reason it never comes out that way in my post.
    I am against divorce in most cases esp… if children r involved.I always think if u can try to work it out if possible.
    I also believe what others might have meant for harm can work out good and to your advantage if Allah wills it.
    I am always worried when i post if I will come across as pro divorce in the case of Pakistani cousin marriages.I don’t mean to at all but because of the strong family bonds and how the men will do anything their parents tell them not to mention if they don’t listen to family they could end up divorced their ownself and split the family.It is just a nightmare to be frank.Not everyone is so fortunate like Fatima and myself unfortunately and that really disturbs me.Part of me wants to fight back and get the facts out there for woman.
    Again let me say u have a beautiful way with words.

  • Gail

    October 27, 2014

    Aisha,
    Hi and welcome! I read your comments about your husband and everything that is going on with your inlaws.First of all I want ask u to take a deep breath because it is going to be a long bumpy ride from here on out.
    I do post my experiences on the blog in hopes that my knowledge will help other woman.
    First let me say your husband is not telling the complete truth obviously since most everyone has arranged marriages in Pakistan and what I mean by that is they obviously picked the girl they now don’t trust or like?Yeahhhhhhh NOOO! LOL It is his excuse he is telling u to smooth things over and this is the thing I personally can’t stand with Pakistani men.There is not need to treat their foreign wives like we r idiots who have blinders over our eyes.
    Here is the thing this might hurt your feelings and believe me before I type it I want to say I am sorry in advance.I never want to hurt anyones feelings I just want to give u the truth and the facts as much as I know it to be and let the individual do what they like with what I have said.So in saying that I will tell u since he is the older and u r his wife and they know about you it more than likely means they have not accepted u.To smile and act happy and cheerful is free.You must see their actions and not their words and smiles when it comes to dealing with Pakistani people or really anyone in general.
    I say they don’t accept u simply because if they did accept u then what need of their son to take a second wife knowing it would hurt u? I want to toss some things out there.
    If u already have a sister inlaw there taking care of them then for certain this is an excuse because even the sister inlaw wouldn’t want the elder brothers wife(who would then be head of her) even she has been in the family longer and is already head of house or hopes to be since u r living in another country and foreign understand?So it leave to possibilities in my mind
    Number 1 your husband has decided to take another wife and blaming it on his parents which could be the case but normally in most cases it is the way your husband has said but leaving out the details.
    2. I think this is more likely the case and u will know better than me.I think it is highly possible that your husband has a cousin(and u will know soon enough if it is a cousin marriage)and he knew before even he married u he was going to eventually have to marry the cousin.For whatever reason the cousin was in school or college at the time he married u and was not ready for marriage at the time and now he has married u and is settled in South Africa.
    Now I must ask u because this is important did u file his immigration or was he already in South Africa and u never had to deal with immigration.
    Look alot of Pakistani men they marry foreign wives gain citizenship and then divorce the foreign wife and marry their cousin in Pakistan.
    I should mention most of the time they will divorce the foreign wife only after immigration has been cleared so that they can bring their Pakistani wife and children to live with him in the foreign country.
    Now in saying this I don’t want to assume anything about your husband because every man is different and I am just telling u route your husband might take.It is totally possible he may marry her and plan on keeping u both and keeping her and their future children in Pakistan.Although it does bring up the question later on how will he bring his Pakistani children to South Africa to live and keep u to since immigration looks at all this stuff.I don’t know South Africa laws.If South Africa allows Polygamy then it will be much easier for him in the long run.You know better your laws in your country.
    OK back to what I was saying factually speaking him or his family have someone in mind.You will need to find out if she is a cousin.If she is a cousin then there really is nothing u can do because the family has decided your and his fate.WHICH TOTALLY SUCKS ROTTEN EGGS to say the least.I don’t deal well with meddling inlaws or with bossy and over controlling husbands trying to decide my fate.
    I want to tell u this if it is a cousin marriage any crying or pleading u would do to the inlaws or your husband will just fall on deaf ears.
    Cousin marriages are such a nightmare compared to out of family marriages.
    If u do not know if the girl is a cousin or not then find out but do not tell him what I am telling u otherwise chances r he will just lie and say it is not a cousin or something like that.So be smart when collecting your information is my advice.
    I am assuming he is already sending money back to Pakistan to his family but u might want to find out how all this is going to work financially if u and him are mixing your finances because he may be asked to start sending more after marriage.
    I will say this it is totally not uncommon for Pakistani men to keep a foreign wife and Pakistani wife to care for his parents but in his case since his brother wife is in the home it seems to me this is just an excuse to smooth things over with u more than it is the real truth.
    My guess is this is going to be a cousin marriage.If it is a cousin marriage esppp if it is a cousin marriage and he would be marrying her after u it speaks volumessssss about how much control his parents have over him and if they have control over him then it means they have control over u as well understand.
    LISTEN TO ME CLEAR Aisha do not complain or scream to much or he is going to get distressed and tell his parents u r screaming and one of two things r going to happen.Either they r going to start B!tching about u and calling u names or they will flat tell him he has to divorce u.So for your sake keep your control volume down(MOUTH) until u figure out what u want to do Esp… if u have children is my sincere advice.Don’t add fuel to the fire.
    I am here if u need me.Hugs Gail

  • coco

    October 27, 2014

    Aisha
    Hey hey welcome to the blog! πŸ™‚ This place is a hidden treasure isn’t it so much to delve into! I was reading through your post and wanted to give my perspective. I find it fascinating how you are not as bothered with the idea of your husband getting married again as you are about your wife being the head wife! lol πŸ˜‰ I mean this in the most non critical way sister. What I will suggest you is that if you are decided to deal or rather prepared for your husband to marry his cousin please don’t be bothered about the head wife status! In all honesty that status will be as important as the amount of importance you give to it. Yes she is a cousin don’t think of it as competing with her, she is family to them and whether they have an unfair leniency towards her or not it shouldn’t fathom you given that you are away from them and not in Pakistan living amongst them. Imagine that ahhhhhhhh! lol I think it would be good for you to embrace polygamy with an open heart and pure intentions regardless of how she is towards you. You continue giving good whether it’s reciprocal or not and you won’t go wrong. Don’t take her as competition if she’s head wife so what? I reckon your husband will be with you most of the time living freely, continuing to enjoy the life you two have made for several years in South Africa while she does what? I mean do you earnestly want to be the “it” wife? Being the “it” wife means taking a hell of a lotta responsibility being the caretaker/nanny/cook/server/guard of his parents in Pakistan is that something you would trade positions with his cousin just to be the “it” wife? lol I don’t think she’s getting the great end of the deal here. Let her be superior in the in-laws eyes, aren’t you the superior wife in your husband’s eyes right now, not bad eh? She can’t replace you Aisha you have history with your husband, he loves you. She’s just entering through the pathway that your in-laws have paved for her, not some scheme she’s created yeah? Try to sit back and really rationalise, alter the way you perceive her imagine yourself in her shoes for a moment not as a competitor but as a fellow human being. I know it’s difficult for you too as you probably never ever imagined to share your husband and it’s absolutely unfair but if you choose to do so then please do it with dignity and class regardless of her. Love begets love and hate begets hate! So you set the bar for her to mirror, if she doesn’t oh well her treating you ill or making it harder for the both of you will automatically give you more respect and value in front of your husband yet most importantly imagine how high you will elevate in the eyes of Allah. It’s a win win situation isn’t it? πŸ™‚

  • ~Fatima~

    October 27, 2014

    @mari2
    I know exactly how you feel, husband marrying a couisin. And I truly beleive that even if a man marries a convert like I was, and then he turns around and marries a cousin, family blood, it doesnt matter. They will look as family first.. sad to say.. I was never really accepted by my husbands family except my brother an sister in law..
    As far as Gail says when marrying a couisin and if husband is over seas, then yes I agree they must of been promised immigration or something..
    I still to this day wonder if husbands family will somehow try to get cousin here.. There are ways to get family over here.. They can say shes a sister.. really they can..The women have different last names.. Its all a sneaky method and Ive seen it all..
    Its all about the money too..
    I dont mean to sound harsh but Ive lived and experienced these things.
    GAIL is more knowledgable in these matters and beleive me she is very accurate.. pat on back to Gail.
    AISHA.. I dont know for sure about the first wife thing.. but I do know if the woman is blood relation, then I feel she is upper hand.. my opionon this.. I hope Im wrong..

  • ummof4

    October 27, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Aisha, I also welcome you. From what I have learned about Pakistani culture from my friends and my blog sisters, the cousin in Pakistan may be #1 in the eyes of your mother-in-law and father-in-law, but that does not mean she will take your place in the eyes and heart of your husband. Obey Allajh and serve Him in the proper way and Allah will make it easy for you. That is a promise that Allah has made to the true believers, the Mu’minoon and the Mu’minaat.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Aisha, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Your avatar looks like she’s in a state of shock. I think it’s appropriate. You asked a good question – what should you do? As much as I’d like to advise you, I haven’t a clue. Insha Allah, Gail or Mari2 may have some suggestions for you. Insha Allah, they’ll be back with us sometime soon.

    If anyone else out there in cyberspace has any ideas to help Aisha out, please come forward, make yourselves known and share with us your thoughts on the matter. Thank you!

  • Aisha

    October 27, 2014

    Jazak allah khair for the warm welcome,yes my inlaws know about me and it appears they like me but not so sure if its genuine,so what do guys suggest I do to stop her from being the “it wife ” so to say lol.cause I dont want noboby acting as if they are superior that me or them thinking they gonna take my place

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    @Mari2,

    Gail has got me wondering now, as well. You said your husband divorced 1st wife. Did first wife hold the legal Marriage Certificate that I suppose is now dissolved or will soon be? It would make sense that he’d marry the cousin girl legally, and bring her to the U.S. Interesting.

  • anabellah

    October 27, 2014

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah, you’ve overcome your shyness, and have joined us here. Welcome! πŸ™‚ I totally understand how you were apprehensive about commenting. I remember my first experience speaking on a blog. It was a weird feeling. We’re a friendly bunch here, as you know by now.

    Sis Gail has truly helped us understand better the culture of some of the people in Pakistan. She’s a wealth of knowledge. There must be something she could do with her gift. Someone suggested she work with Immigration, which is a wonderful idea. I’ve learned a lot from her about the culture of Pakistan. It took a good long while for it to sink in that we weren’t dealing with religion at all, but culture, which is way different. In fact, I think many Muslims deal with culture under the guise of religion.

    Based on what you’ve stated it appears your husband will marry his cousin, if it pleases Allah and she will reign πŸ™ Have you spoken with your husband about it? Does the family know about you? What are you inclined to do?

  • Aisha

    October 27, 2014

    Asalam alikum everyone,I have been following the block for such aa long time but have been very shy to comment.I am from South africa and my husband is pakistani.Now let me tell u my story….well I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 3 yrs now been together for 4.aa year into our marriage he told me about the possibilities of him marrying his cousin in pakistan.He told me the reason being that his parents have no one to look after them,but his younger brother is there with his wife I argued that,he then said his parents dont like his brothers wife that is why they dont want her to be the 1 looking aft them because they dont trust her(doesn’t make sense ryt!I know) …but now it is all beginning to make sense to me because of what sis Gail said,my husband is the eldest son so his cousin is going to be head of the family!this is really shoking for me..wow so the foreign wife is just nothing to them

  • Gail

    October 26, 2014

    Mari2,
    One more thing she maybe young and seem innocent but she is her mothers daughter u must never forget that.The daughters do exactly what their mothers tell them.So if mommy dearest is a witch u can bet your sweet apples so is her daughter from my experience after all the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree if u know what I mean.
    I hope I am not coming across as to harsh and I do wish u the very best but I would be lying if I said u had an easy road ahead.

  • Gail

    October 26, 2014

    Mari2,
    I am curious how this cousin marriage came to be if u and your husband were already married.Did the inlaws know about u? Second if they did know about u was he already engaged or some kind of verbal statement made before he married u.I am asking simply because these cousin marriages from my own experience are a nightmare to be frank.
    U made some very strong remarks toward the girls parents that I personally agree with to be frank.If the girls parents knew about u and are going through with the wedding then it only means one thing and that is one of 2 things.Either the girls family was promised your husband would bring her to USA(I assume u r in USA)Or whatever country u r in was promised or your husband is the oldest son in the family and therefor his Pakistani wife will be head of the family and the home.If your husband is not the older son in the family I would think the girls family was promised immigration only because what is it in for the girl and her family if they r not getting immigration or head of family status.Those people marry up and I mean they grab as much as they possibly can as I get a sense u may have already figured that out.
    I am curious to know more but let me warn u do not tell her anything or confide in her anything unless u want the entire family to know.They have a very very bad habit of trying to slander people esp foreign wives sadly.
    I don’t want to sound off the charts pessimistic but There is 100% for sure something for this girl and her family to gain form this marriage otherwise they would never agree to the marriage.I think your Radar is working pretty good.

  • anabellah

    October 26, 2014

    @Mari2,

    Wow, you’ve put a lot of thought into what’s happening in your life, and have it pretty much figured out, as much as humanly possible, which I think is very GOOD! You have a sense of direction, and know how best to approach the situation and all the people involved.

    I still for the life of me can’t understand the cultural thing going on there in which the children (grown children – mind you) think they must acquiesce to their parent’s wishes. It’s bull friggin crap, if you ask me.

    It so much is shirk (setting up partners or equals to Allah). Yes, we should be kind and respectful to our parents. We should treat them well and good and take all kinds of good care of them. We should help them as much as possible. I don’t question it in the least. No where, however, in any ayat in the Quran does Allah give parents the right to take control of a child or anyone else life. We don’t own other human beings. We belong to Allah. Our parents don’t own us. It’s just so wrong. I truly believe the condition of the people in that country is based on their lack of belief or mis-belief in Allah and their disobedience to Him. No one could tell me differently.

    Everything you’re experiencing all coincides with what Gail has been explaining about the culture that is Pakistan. I get it, but can’t wrap my head around how it could really be, yet it is

  • Mari2

    October 26, 2014

    @Ana,

    You have many good points. But there is acceptance then there is “acceptance”. What I mean to say, is that one can accept the fact their husband will marry another, and accept the fact that Allah has allowed/willed it. But when you speak of “acceptance” as far as friendship and being close as co-wives, I think that all depends. And it doesn’t depend necessarily on ones perception of the other as the same class of people. In my case, I am a revert. M’s family knows this and while I may pray on time and do my best to follow Allah’s teachings, I really am on the periphery when compared to number two who is a born Muslim AND a family member. So their acceptance of me is quite tentative while acceptance of number 2 is without doubt. This is a fact of the cultural relationship and I am not complaining. It just is.

    Would I have chosen number 2 for M.? No. Because I know him as his wife and I know where his mind is, and I know his work ethic, and I know where he is trying to go as a person, and I know how he thinks after many years in the US, I would have chosen for him another of his cousins, one of whom I met and very much hit it off with. But I accept he will marry his mother’s choice. I may not accept her as the best possible choice for him, but I have to leave that up to Allah. And M agreed with me that my choice would be better suited to his needs, however he has chosen to accept his mother’s choice. Therefore I shall accept was he has accepted.

    Will I ever be number 2’s best friend? Probably not. Could we co-exist peacefully? Probably (on an island), as long as others don’t try to mess with things which given my experiences with certain family members both here and abroad, is unlikely. Number 2 is rather innocent and really quite unknowing as to all the hoopla/drama surrounding her and her impending marriage. So while I may willingly accept her into our marriage, will/do others accept me as the first? Yes and no. Will she accept me? Maybe yes, maybe no, but does she have a choice? Will I worry about her acceptance of me? No. Should she worry of my acceptance of her? Nope. Is she a bad person? Absolutely not. Is she young and unaware of how to take the reins and decide stuff for herself? Yes. Is she young and liking the things young girls do? Why yes! Is that a flaw? No. Do I think her parent’s are greedy SOB’s? You betcha. But I accept her.