Involuntary Caregivers in Polygamy

involuntary caregivers in polygamyThere are wives who are involuntary caregivers in polygamy. It’s not her husband who the wife takes care of. She takes care of her husband’s parents. I call wives who do that, involuntary caregivers in polygamy.

Notably, it is the norm in some countries for the husband to go abroad to work. The husband leaves behind his wife and his children. He still takes care of them by sending them money regularly. Besides, he makes visits to them every so often.

Involuntary caregivers in polygamy are very common in Pakistani families. Sadly, the wife ends up being stuck. She is not only left to care for her children, but must care for her mother and father-in-law,as well. Meanwhile, the husband probably has taken another wife in the country in which he works. He and that wife live together as though she is the only wife that he has.

The concept of wives as involuntary caregivers in polygamy is not based on anything in the Holy Quran

There is nothing in the Holy Quran that says or suggests that the duty of a wife is that of a maid or caregiver to her husband’s parents. Nor she is that for any of his relatives. It is an invention. In particular, it is a cultural way of living that people have made up. They have passed it down from one generation to the next. The people who are a part of it are at fault for it. Those “Muslims” have set up a way of living that has nothing to do with Islam. Undoubtedly, they will suffer for it.

Allah never said that He created a mate for the man so that he could have a maid for his parents. She wasn’t created for her husband as a maid or a slave to him either.

Allah says: “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” Quran: Surah 30, ayah 21

Reflect on the verse above. It is not good to make a wife an involuntary caregiver in polygamy

It’s what some men expect and demand of women. If she refuses the role, the man would not marry her or would divorce her. How is a husband and a wife to live together in tranquility and love when the husband lives on the other side of the world from the wife? It’s impossible when the husband lives in a far away country. It’s outright ridiculous. How is the husband to support and protect his wives and children that way?

There is more to taking care of a wife than just sending her money. It’s not good enough to throw money at her every so often. What good is it for him to visit her once in a blue moon? I’m sure it’s a rarity to finds a wife who wants the job of caregiver to her husband’s parents.

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48 Comments

  • anabellah

    December 1, 2015

    baseema,

    I never could whistle. It seem so simple, but it was always a problem for me when I tried as a kid. I just couldn’t get it. I tried it today while driving in the car. I’m kinda getting the hang of it, but still need a lot of practice. I’m so thankful to Allah that I’m in the good ole U.S. of A just as you are. Alhumdulliah Rabillallameen!!!!

  • Gail

    December 1, 2015

    Baseema,

    See how crazy it is.
    Now u need to make up something about him that annoys u and tell him not to do it just for $h!ts and giggles.When he quizzes u on it tell him it’s just your thinking because it annoys the crap out of.I love messing with people all in good fun of course.haha

  • baseema

    December 1, 2015

    Lol now that I know it annoys him, I happily whistle and say thank God I am in USA where I can! I told him I put it on here to see what others say and then he admitted it’s just his own mind’s thinking! LOL Truth came out! ;)

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yeap, I know. There are all kinds of contradictions and schools of thoughts etc. out there. I don’t pay much attention to them other than to get disgusted hearing about people talking such trivial nonsense.

    I heard a woman shouldn’t wear wigs; shouldn’t wear false eyelashes, shouldn’t wear makeup; shouldn’t wear nail polish; shouldn’t get tattoos; shouldn’t smoke cigarettes, and on, and on and on. I don’t give a flying flip what someone else does. I mind my own business.

    I don’t wear wigs. I don’t wear false eyelashes. I wear makeup. I wear nail polish. I think tattoos are uglier than *&%$. I don’t smoke cigarettes. I know Muslim who smoke them and – you know what???? – I don’t care.

    The way I feel now, I wish someone would approach me talking about – sister, I got to correct you. You aren’t supposed to x,y and z. I think I’d go ballistic on her or his @$$. They need to mind their own friggin business. Leave people alone. I call those bothersome people mini ISL, Taliban, Al Qaeda people. They are so jacked up. They do what they want to do and are all up in someone else business.

    You’ve got me started now. I’m done

  • asiya

    November 30, 2015

    Asalamu Alaykum

    I have to Thankyou sis,

    I’m sorry to hear about what happenes with it
    But hey look how successful your new blog is at honestly I’m so glad I came across it I’ve never seen such a great one like this!

    I whistle whenever I want honestly people have so many different opinions about everything

    Yu would be suprise how any people I have met or heard of that do wudu differently some even over the closed shoes they wear???

    Even the high sayeds and shiek for example some say having a tattoo is haram and some say it’s fine as long as it’s not on place of wudu

    Some say you have to quit smoking and others say if ur in old age and done it for long time it is ok as long a syu try yu best to limit it and not indulge

    Some say makeup is completely forbidden and others say mascara and lipstick is fine

    This would confuse any person expecially someone who first comes to islam we have to educate ourselves and rely on Allah to guide us n teach us

    I think it’s best when these things happen to do what you think and believe and being honest not deceiving urself thay Allah would want you to do and approve of
    And using ur knowledge of quran and common sense for example

    With the whistling if ur out and there are men around you that yu don’t know and yu whistling loud that gives yu any type of attention eg a simple look that is not necessary , the quran Allah explains for women to not draw attention to themselves when we go out
    That I would avoid

    But if ur at home or with just girls etc what harm does that bring

    Alwellz lol

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    I never heard of it either, not even with all the “dos and don’ts of Islam. It’s a new one for me. People need to mind their own bees wax. They are so quick to tell someone else what to do about something asinine and insignificant. When it comes to talking about what really matters, they know nothing. Their a pain in the rear end.

  • Gail

    November 30, 2015

    baseema,

    If u like to whistle go ahead Pakistani men are stupid so just ignore and do what u like.Also tell him nicely to mind his own business and point out that it is rude to tell people to stop doing something.
    I am the type of person to tell people to bite me! lol

  • baseema

    November 30, 2015

    asalaamoleikum! want to hear something funny? i was told by my paki friend when i was whistling to STOP! lol I said, why?? He said, “girls don’t suppposed to whistle!” LOL anyone ever hear of this before?? it wasn’t a wolf whistle, just whistling pleasantly….hmmm.

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to stay busy doing what you enjoy that is halal, of course, as you already know lol. It helps. You have to find what is a good fit for you. Everyone has different talents, skills and abilities. What makes you want to get out of the bed in the morning? It’s a good start at figuring out what your passion is.

    About me and my story, I don’t write about my personal life on the blog anymore. I stopped after evil people on the internet put my husband and my real names and personal information out there in cyberspace. People my husband and I know are aware and familiar with this blog. They would be able to read all about his and my life, if I write it here. So, I limit what I write about him and me. The people admire the work I’m doing here, trying to help other, which makes me feel good. I had a good run with talking about my life for over five years. I’ve now put it to rest. It’s all good. It was time to move the blog forward in a different direction. I love the new blog we have here. I think it’s much better than the earlier version. Things change. It’s all about learning, growing, gaining knowledge and experience. It’s about us getting better…

    No need to thank me for anything, Sis. It’s all from Allah. I thank Him for allowing you and all the other wonderful people to be here. You all help make the blog what it is

  • asiya

    November 30, 2015

    Salam alaykum,

    I completely agree it’s so hard honestly expecially when life gets bombarded with distractions and there is so much corruption around

    I thought of one way to help myself get distracted so I don’t become lazy and sit around feeling sorry for myself and not being productive avoiding life I want to try it for a week by writing out the days of week and putting down like a plan, activity or the things for me to do so that I can try and adapt to this new lifestyle in a way that suits and helps Me that doesn’t affect anyone else

    I find that at these times when the devil try to make you go astray keeping urself busy and making urself happy with who yu are and what God has done and given for yu helps alot I’ve only just figured this out

    Ana I was wondering what is ur story with polygamy and are you still in it I haven’t looked much on this site yet so I’m Unaware if yu have posted about it or not

    Thankyou for everything all ur support it means alot expecially when I have no one

  • anabellah

    November 30, 2015

    @asiya, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Your’re on the right track. You know what we’ve got to do. Now, we just have to try to do it each day with the help and permission of Allah.

    Satan is on his game, trying to get us off the straight path. It’s his job. He does it well. We have to keep seeking Allah’s protection from him – seek refuge in Allah.

    I like writing all this out because it not only helps others, it helps me. I need all the help I can get too :-)

    Life is soooo beautiful. We just have to listen to Allah, obey Him and let Him do His thing…

  • asiya

    November 30, 2015

    Salam alaykum Ana

    I just want to Thankyou
    I know whenever I’m not feeling strong at any point in this trail I can always go back here at look at this beautiful advice you gave me
    I know it will be hard at the start and I know I will make mistakes but I’m willing to give it ago

    Sometimes we have to take a huge leap into something I feel at this point in my life I have to

    Trust in Allah is all I can do right now and the things you have advised me on

    I loved the verse from quran repel evil with good I am going to implement that in my life a great deal

    I have been told three things that will help me and I am struggling with them but I am going to do it
    Forgetting the past and letting it go
    Stop assuming even in ur thoughts
    And no bad intentions

    I don’t find the bad intentions part hard as I don’t have any but just the past and assuming

    But know I just do it and leave the rest for Allah to deal with for me I love how he will run our affairs when we submit to him completely

    Thankyou once again

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    You shouldn’t be scared. Allah says fear Him and Him alone. If you fear anything else, you’re wrong. Why do you have the fear? Is it because you don’t believe what Allah says? You don’t believe Allah will take care of you, will provide for you, will protect you, will guide you, knows what is best for you etc.? If you don’t believe any of it, it won’t happen. Oh, yes, He will be Merciful. He takes care of all of His Servants. Will you be triumphant, victorious and prevail in all that is good, if you don’t believe? No. Ask Allah to remove the fear from your heart. Begin believing in what He promises the believers.

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    asiya,

    I’m sorry I forgot to say Wa Alaikum As Salaam before. I apologize for having to rush. This post will be a rush one, as well.

    It is Satan who is telling you that you should be scared. He doesn’t want you to focus on Allah. Satan is telling you that you need to keep focusing on your husband and your co. As long as you keep focusing on your husband and your co, thing will be bad. They will be bad because you’re disobeying Allah. Allah says remember Him. He didn’t say remember your husband or your co. It can be no other way, but bad for you when you disobey Allah. I keep saying life is not about us. It’s not about a spouse, children, parents or anyone else. All we do for and with others should be based on our knowledge of Allah and what Allah tells us to do in terms of them.

    No one has said don’t care for your family. No one says don’t love your husband. You should care for your family in an effort to do good deeds to benefit your soul so you can enter Paradise/Jannah. You do good deeds by doing nice things for your husband, children, parents, relative, friends etc. so Allah will be pleased with you and reward you for it. It’s about Allah. It’s not about them. No one says neglect the people who you care about or treat them badly. Know why you do the things that you do.

    I know every Muslim probably want their spouse to be in Paradise/Jannah with them. It’s natural that we want to be in Paradise/Jannah with our spouse. It’s not something that should be priority. Allah says save yourself and then your family from the Fire that will be fuel by men and Jinns. We all need to focus on our own selves getting into Jannah/Paradise. We all will be given our individual books of deeds, based on what we did. Your husband and my husband and everyone else husband and spouses need to focus on him or herself. No one is guaranteed Jannah/Paradise. Help yourself first. We don’t know if we’re going there let alone our spouse or our children. Allah says the righteous and their family who are righteous will be together in Jannah/Paradise. Each person need to concern him or herself with him or her own righteousness or lack of. You can’t get someone there. Neither can I. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) couldn’t even help get his uncle there. He prayed to Allah to make his uncle Muslim. Did Allah do it? NO!

  • anabellah

    November 29, 2015

    asiya,

    You should be very happy that you want to do all the right things :-) – be better, stop focusing on your husband and prepare for Jannah/Paradise. It can’t happen unless you have a sincere desire for it, which apparently you do. You’re doing way better than you think you are. It entails a lot of work, a lot of effort, a lot of wanting it better. One thing important to know is that it’s something you’re going to have to do for the rest of your life. It’s not a situation in which you reach a goal you’ve gotten it right and you’re home free. Although it does get easier.

    All wives who want to accept Allah’s will battle with understanding that it’s Allah will that a husband is polygamous; he selected the person, and the husband is not to be blamed. There are some women who won’t accept that Allah had anything to do with it. They blame it all on the husband and they suffer indefinitely. It’s because they believe others beside Allah has power. So you’re doing good. It’s all part of your personal Jihad (battle).

    I don’t know anyone who is married and honest with self and others that can say her husband doesn’t do thing that upsets her. No one is flawless, including a husband. About your husband having his second wife as the one you see as the favorite – there isn’t much you can do to change it. The best thing to do is see it as Allah’s will and if your husband is doing anything wrong, he will account to Allah for it. You could let your husband know what is upsetting you and maybe he will change and maybe he won’t.

    I think you are correct that it was Laila who said she stopped focusing on her husband and he became more attentive to her. A man doesn’t like a woman who is needy, jealous and possessive. It’s ugly. No one with sense actually like it. If I see it in myself, I immediately see it for what it is and it’s not a pretty site. I see it as ugly when I witness it in other people. Your will be more attractive to you when he sees the beauty in you, not the ugly.

    I wouldn’t go with the saying, kill him or her with kindness unless you are sincere about it. Some women love to play games. They act nice, but aren’t. You don’t want to be one of those people to play others. I would go with the saying from the Holy Quran, which is repel evil with that which is better. Repel evil with good. If your co wife does something to upset you, instead of doing something back to upset her, just don’t act. Leave it alone. Allah sees all things. He’ll take care of it, as He sees fit.

    Be forgiving a patient seeking the good pleasure of Allah. You want Allah to be pleased with you. Don’t do it seeking the upper hand. If you do things seeking to please Allah, you will have the upper hand. It’s all about Allah. Being patient isn’t something that is mastered. As I said, it takes work. It takes turning to Allah. Allah grants us patience. Patience is from Allah. So if you think you can make yourself patient, think again. You don’t have the power make it happen. It’s all about turning to Allah to get what we need. There is soooooo much to learn. I’m learning about Allah all the time. I’m learning about life and myself all the time. We should always be learning. You are not weak with being weak. I’m weak too. We all are weak.

    I will be back, Insha Allah. Forgive any mistakes in my writing. I don’t have time to proof it.

  • asiya

    November 29, 2015

    I remeber reading a comment from someone I think called laila she had mentioned how her husband always favored her Co but when she started to shift her focus on herself and Allah and started having a life of her own her husband started noticing and giving her more attention,
    I feel I can relate to her in the part where her husband favors other wife

    I am scared of what the future holds for me and my kids in this polygamy I’m really scared

  • asiya

    November 29, 2015

    Salam alaykum
    I want to change and be a better muslima and stop focusing on my husband and this situation and start building my own life in Jannah

    Sometimes I find myself in denial as I heard that it is Allah who puts us in this not our husbands even if he did wrong by the first wife

    My husband does things that make me very upset and even his other wife my husband also is known to favor his second wife, how can I deal with this how can I survive and not get upset or angry or at least if I do supreme it and get rid of it so I don’t explode and let it all out frustration and anger

    I’ve been through alot this year and I can’t handle anymore bad or disappointment

    I heard a saying called kill them with kindness I’m trying it out

    I’m very tired and exaughsted

    I know that when ur forgiving and patient ur the upper or higher person

    But I get weak at times

    Is there ways or techniques, experience, story that yu may be able to help me with

    I’m scared that if I start looking just at myself and focusing on me for Allah and what I do everything else around me will go bad or my husband will get away with bad again it’s not something easy where I can just not care because I care for my family and for him I care that we go to heaven together even after all the hurt and pain he caused me for all these years

  • Gail

    November 25, 2015

    Mari2,

    I was married in Pakistan and mine said divorced while excowife hers says virgin.I thought the exact same thing when I read it I was like WTF how u know she was a virgin hahahahah (I am sure she was but that is not the point) For sure it is strange to us Americans.What if say she was not a virgin(would someone admit that) lol lord what a mess!

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    asiya, welcome to our not so humble, at times, home lol :-)

    Mari2 has said to you in a few words all that I’ve been trying to tell everyone on this blog since it came into existence in Feb. 2009. What she has said says it all. My response was going to be that you ask some very specific questions, so I’d know where to begin to answer you. There are 100 posts and over 6,000 comments/posts that would help you.

    Nothing can help you more than reading the Holy Quran so that you can get understanding and live it. Understanding doesn’t come all at once and it doesn’t come overnight. The Holy Quran was revealed to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) over a period of 23 years or so. Only Allah can give you understanding of the Quran. Anyone who reads without sincerely and without wanting to learn it and live it, will not understand it. Allah says He places a veil between the Quran and reader who doesn’t read it for the right reason. An unbeliever will not understand it. So, if you want to read it just so your life in a polygamous marriage will get better and the pain will go away, you could forget about it. The Quran is not a temporary, quick fix.

    Polygamy is not easy when we’ve been raised in a monogamous society and around people, including Muslims who reject polygamy. If a person rejects polygamy, the person rejects Allah. How could someone rejects polygamy when Allah has said it is allowed for men?

    You have to forget about how you grew up and how your father was home on the weekends etc. Did you read the post that I wrote earlier today that spoke of our forefathers and living the way they live? It’s out. Just because we found our forefathers doing it doesn’t mean it the way we do it. It’s not the way we’re supposed to live unless they were living the Quran or one of Allah’s other Books. All of Allah’s Prophets received the same message.

    It’s not a matter of filling a void. Everyone should be busy with something constructive in life. One doesn’t need to wait until there is a crisis to get busy doing something meaningful. The way to fill the void is to learn your Islam – learn it via the Holy Quran.

    I’m telling you, if you focus on yourself, your co, your husband or your family and friends, you will not find any peace and have no contentment in your life. Life is not about them. It’s about Allah. You have to learn how to pass the test. You have to learn about all the Prophets mentioned in the Quran etc.

    I have to run for now. Mari2 is correct that you are in the right place with people who understand. Please ask more specific question or just talk. I could say being able to really adjust and deal with polygamy could sometimes take years. Allah will test us and our perseverance. He wants us to turn to him and humble ourselves to Him. Only He can relieve the pain and make your life better. Only He could answer when and how long it will take.

  • Mari2

    November 25, 2015

    Asiya,
    welcome. You can read quran. Let Allah guide you. Pray to Allah for guidance. On the outset polygamy can seem lonely, but it really is not. It is hard being raised in monagamy and then finding no one to share with when suddenly polygamy becomes your life. People here understand. You’re in the right place.

  • asiya

    November 25, 2015

    Salam alaykum Ana, I am new to polygamy I have now accepted what God has put in my life,
    I am just finding it hard to settle and adapt to this new lifestyle
    I don’t know anyone who does polygamy I only have this website, and I was brought up in a monogamy family and everyone I know lives one, I am a first wife I have one child that is infants and I’m finding it hard to adapt from your experience what did you do that helped?

    I don’t live near my friends and my family are far away from me sometimes it gets lonely expecially on my Co wife’s days

    I’m finding living in polygamy not natural because I grew up in a different way we’re my father was always home on weekends and was there for breakfast and dinner everyday and now my kids can’t experience that it just feels weird not having him around like what I thought I would

    Does anyone have any ideas on how I can fill the void of things being different how to make my life prosperous in this marriage and make living this polygamous marriage not as boring and unsatisfying

    I have also lost alot of motivation in life mabey from everything I’ve been through I want my motivation back I want to adapt to all this and be happy

    Thankyou much love

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    Ooops the correct link is now there. The wires got crossed before.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yasmina-blackburn/7-remarkable-things-about_b_7097606.html

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    Here is a link to a very good article that I recommend everyone read about the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wife Khadija: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yasmina-blackburn/7-remarkable-things-about_b_7097606.htmlIt's a very nice article.

    Mari2, it coincides with what you wrote about women and liberation. :-)

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It’s so ridiculous. People have made up their own rules. The bizarre thing about it is those very Muslims who say a female needs to be a virgin to be of “marital material” say they follow what they believe to be the “Sunnah” (which they mean they follow Hadiths. The sunnah that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) followed was the Holy Quran that Allah revealed to him).

    When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous, how many wives did he have – nine? Only ONE of them was a virgin. He married her because she was offered to him by one of his best companions – Abu Baker. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t go lusting after one. He didn’t go in search of one.

    All those Pakistani’s who require the women to be a virgin in order to marry them, I understand the women actually get cart off to a physician to be examined for it. Pakistanis have made divorce a frowned upon thing for women, disregarding that divorce is perfectly acceptable. There is a surah in the Quran entitled divorce (The Arabic name is used). Allah lets us know how divorce should be done etc. Yet people have made up their own rules about it. They’ve made it taboo in some societies.

    It is crazy to put “virgin” as the marital status. It’s pure stupidity.

  • Mari2

    November 25, 2015

    @Ana
    I do have to share that last week I was reading M and 2’s marriage certificate as I helped him fill out her visa his marital status was “divorced”, her marital status was listed as “virgin”. Not single but “virgin”. WTH? I said to M “do you realize that virginity is a physical state, not a marital status?” M was all like but putting virgin means she has no connection with any other guys. Stupid patriarchal assumptions which leads to misogyny.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    Mari2,

    I wasn’t aware of the finding in Nigeria, regarding FGM. Thank you much for sharing it with us. It’s a subject that I’m interested in although it’s heart-wrenching to think such a terrible thing could be done to a human being. I thank Allah much for the ruling. Alhumdulliah. Perhaps it will bring about a change in other countries as well, as you said. It would be awesome to have it banned worldwide.

    Link to article: http://www.theguardian.com/society/2015/may/29/outlawing-fgm-nigeria-hugely-important-precedent-say-campaigners

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You said a mouth full with a little amount of words. Nice!!! What you said about women’s rights is spot on. The revelation (the Holy Quran) sent to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) liberated women.

    Now, if only more women would read the Quran, try to live it, and not rely on just listening to what others tell them, they’d be better off. Many just go on word of mouth. They take what others say as truth without investigating for themselves. Muslim men and women need to ask themselves – what does Allah say (in the Holy Quran) about all in their entire lives, they’d realize how easy and peaceful life can be.

  • Mari2

    November 25, 2015

    @Ana
    Allah has blessed women in so many ways! MASHALLAH! Women have the right to accept proposals or refuse them, women have a right to inheritance, women have a right to negotiate their marriage contract, women have the right to worship in masjids if they choose to, women have a right to be earners and determine how their earnings are spent, women have the right to be educated, women have a right to their dowry, women have a right to separate marital accomodations etc. Muhammad (pbuh) like Isa (pbuh) was affected by the social ills of their time. Lack of rights for women or orphans, widows or the divorced, the killing of unwanted girls, feudal, tribal politics etc. Allah set this foolishness right in the Quran. The examples of the wives after the death of Kadijah were examples to the ummah as to the wives acceptable in the eyes of Allah. Guess what? They weren’t all 17 year old virgins.

    I am very happy and thank Allah that this very week female genital mutilation was deemed illegal in Nigeria. Though mostly done among Christian sects in Nigeria, FGM remains a commonplace practice among the muslims in Egypt. Imams are battling the pre Christian, pre Muslim tribal practice there as well. I pray to Allah that the imams in Egypt are as successful.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    Then there are the “Muslims” who think they are supposed to give dawah (spread the word) to just any ole body. Allah let’s us know that only Believers will hear the message and accept it. There are so many ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran that let’s us know the unbelievers can’t hear, see and they know nothing. Throughout the Quran, He refers to them as the “deaf, dumb and the blind”.

    Yet, the silly, non-knowing Muslims who are themselves deaf, dumb and blind go to the deaf, dumb and blind and try to teach them Islam. They ignore or don’t believe all of what Allah says in the Holy Quran. They ignore that Allah says He makes Muslims, believers and non-Muslims. He guides whom He will.

    If someone wants to know the truth, if the person wants to know about Islam, it’s because Allah inspired the person and the person will go to where he or she needs to be to get it. It’s not within our power to give it to them. A Muslim doesn’t have to run someone down to give Islam to him or her. He or she doesn’t have to put something (Islam) on someone or in a person’s face who clearly doesn’t want it. Allah says leave people alone. But noooooooo. They don’t listen to Allah. They think they know, but don’t.

  • anabellah

    November 25, 2015

    Mari2,

    I count it as a blessing to have a way out of a marriage. Just to have the option, knowing I’ll be alright and content is a beautiful thing. Allah always prepares a way out of any difficult situation or adversity for those who believe. Those who don’t believe think they have to do everything themselves. They rely on themselves. It’s why they are not the successful.

    It’s not easy to watch a love one off the straight path or going astray, and not be able to help him. Yet, Allah tells us not to grieve over them. Allah decides whom He will guide. He places people on the straight path.

    When I read the Quran I see how it relates to all that is around me – life. Allah speaks of those who follow the ways of their forefathers. He’s talking not just about yesterday, but about today, as well. I see it with the people who follow culture. They are all into the traditions and way of life that has been passed down over the generations. They dismiss what Allah says in the Holy Quran, if they even have read it to know. What they know of culture supersedes what is in the Quran. They follow the ways of their forefather. They don’t believe what Allah says.

    “Muslims” have put together books that mislead. The books leave out information that is important and meaningful to life. The truth has been twisted in those books. One have heard the typical sayings, such as: Paradise is at the foot of the mother. A woman needs to be her husband sex slave and give him sex whenever he wants to even if she’s baking at the oven. Her husband mustn’t go to sleep angry with the wife or the angels curse the wife. None of that stuff is in the Holy Quran. It’s all erroneous material meant to mislead and keep Muslims off the straight path and enslaved to man.

    Allah says He hasn’t left anything out of the Quran that we need. The Quran is replete with knowledge. He protected it. It’s the Holy Sacred Book – His words. Yet, people invented their own books to supersede the Quran or add it with the Quran (the word of God), which is SHIRK. Then they wonder why the Muslim world is in the sorry, depressed state it is in.

    Allah in the Quran speak indirectly about extremist groups such as ISIS/ISL/IS, Al-Qada, Boko Haram, et al. – how they think they are doing good but are the mischief makers. They are the ones causing mischief in the land. They think they are doing good, but do evil.

    Allah says:

    “Then the Messenger will say: “O my Lord! Truly my people took this Qur’an for just foolish nonsense.”
    Quran: Surah 25, ayah 30

  • Mari2

    November 25, 2015

    @Ana,
    Keeping myself right relies upon prayer, faith and the Quran. And I always have the option of a way out of our marriage should cultural norms become too unbearable. Sadly, 2 has no way out. She is firmly mired in her cultural marriage.

  • anabellah

    November 21, 2015

    Mari2,

    You have a battle on your hands with self and keeping yourself right. Who knows other than Allah whether your husband will begin to get it when it comes to culture vs. Islam. It’s a long, hard road to travel to get someone who is absorbed in culture to see the truth. It’s the same with trying to get a non-believing husband to see the truth. Sometimes one has to just let them be and save oneself from the Fire. One must do all one can to NOT let the other lead him or her astray. The other person may not have been created for Paradise. It’s not for us to determine other than to know how to protect ourselves from such a person who may be in our intimacy.

  • Mari2

    November 20, 2015

    So, in conclusion my difficulties are bound to the tribe, culture and husband. Nothing more and nothing less. Just our and my experiences which I absolutely own.

  • Mari2

    November 20, 2015

    @Zahra
    And you are correct in stating that in the cities some things are different. I do know well educated women from the larger cities that did not have their marriages arranged. One friend here now in US did marry her cousin, but her cousin was raised here by a family well educated. She drives, has a master’s degree, a job, and she and her husband have their own home as does her two newly married sisters and their husbands in Pakistan. So, no I do not think ALL women in Pakistan live the same lifestyle with the same burdens. I am speaking only of that which I have witnessed myself and the un Islamic, cultural stuff that my husband M proclaims as the status quo.

  • Mari2

    November 20, 2015

    @Zahra
    My experiences with my pakistani husband and his family do indeed involve those who live in the more rural, tribal regions of Pakistan. His family is from the KPK and quite pathan in their thinking. They hail from a village but less than 2 hours from the Afghanistan border. In his town ALL women and men wear shalwar, women do not leave the home without a male family escort, women cover with chador or burqa in public, women give birth at home, and while educated, the education ends upon marriage and child bearing. Almost all marriages are arranged and among cousins. Women are not permitted to go to mosque but must pray in the home only. And if one goes out and about in the town during the day, one will only see men. Barely a woman in sight unless one goes to the women’s market. I went with M to eat outside at a chicken soup place. We women ate in the car. Only men were permitted in the establishment. Women can only enter some eateries if specific family areas are designated. I know this because I was there and saw it with my own eyes. And I sat in a tiny car with two other women and 4 kids eating soup.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Zahra,

    It is the woman’s fault when she trusts another whether it’s a little, a lot or much and she gets burned. Allah tells us that those who trust should put their trust in Him. It’s a problem in that most Muslims don’t know about the trust issue and non-Muslims don’t either. So people walk about trusting others all the time and they get jammed up for it. It doesn’t negate the fact that the Pakistani men who proclaim to be Muslim are regularly as though they were school to do it – deceiving women intentionally for their own personal gain. It’s wrong. It’s trying to take the easy way out to say the women should know better. Yes, the women should know better, but the men should know better than to do what they do, as well. Men are supposed to be the maintainers and protectors of women. They aren’t supposed to try to swindle them and bamboozle them.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    Zahra,

    I was familiar with Benazir Bhutto when she was the Prime Minister of Pakistan. I was an admirer of her when she was living. Although she tried to improve the condition of people in Pakistan, it doesn’t appear much was accomplished.

    No one on this blog has said terrible things happen to others only at the hands of Pakistani people. The reason that Pakistani men are the focal point on certain posts on this blog is because they are the ones whom the women have come to this blog to complain about. We’d welcome posts from anyone regardless of their nationality, race or religion to talk about anyone whom they are having a problem with associated with polygamy. The problem we are finding is with the Pakistani men. I’m sure there a lot of very nice Pakistani men on the planet. We don’t hear much about them, though, other than that many of them use their charm and politeness to win over women for their selfish advantage.

    It’s very nice that you were allowed to select your own mate. He didn’t have to be Pakistani and he isn’t. It’s very good to hear that you and your Turkish/Egyptian husband have a good marriage and things are moving along nicely for you both. Alhumdulliah.

  • anabellah

    November 19, 2015

    I read the following article this morning. Shocked I wasn’t aware that the UK has a problem with acid attacks. I’ve only heard of it happening in Pakistan. It’s news to me http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-34802446 It was shocking.

  • Zahra

    November 19, 2015

    I have also known, Egyptian, Indian, and other nationalities men using women for citizenship. It is women’s fault to trust anyone this much.

  • Zahra

    November 19, 2015

    Wow women not given toilitieries? What is he talking about? I am sure it probably happens in villages or some not well educated families. Similar to acid incident that was happening in the province of Baluchistan, a place with high illiteracy rates. I am from Karachi from a middle class neighborhood and have never seen what you ladies are talking about. Btw don’t forget women have retained high political status in Pakistan, benazir Bhutto is still respected and the current prime minister has to keep his daughter in the limelight. I am sure terrible things happen and are caused by paki men but they are not limited to them. I have never heard of anyone in my family or neighbors marrying twice. I myself married a Turkish Egyptian man by my own choice and everyone in my family supported my decision and I married him ause we fell in love and had too much common, not cause I did want a paki man. In fact I think most of paki men are awesome.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2015

    Zahra,

    Please excuse me. I seem to have been mixing the threads and was speaking with regard to https://www.polygamy411.com/marry-pakistani-man/ . I’m not sure whether you’ve heard of the stuff we mention in the “Marry Pakistani Man” thread, as well. I know you said you haven’t heard of it with regard to “Involuntary Caregivers” thread.

  • anabellah

    November 18, 2015

    I don’t know if anyone remember, but there was another Pakistani Muslim man who was here (I think his name is Muhammad) who responded to Gail when she said her husband said Gail co’s breath stunk. Muhammad said it was because the men are given all the toiletries (toothpaste and toothbrushes etc). Their needs get preference over the women.

    What was with the acid being thrown in women’s faces about?

    Men are supposed to maintain and protect women. I don’t see it much of considering the treatment of women in the Muslim world.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2015

    Umair is Pakistani, as well, and he says it happens. Perhaps it’s more prevalent with families from the villages and certain parts of Pakistan. I believe it’s one reason Umair asks the ladies where the Pakistani men are from in Pakistan. There was a Pakistani American Muslim sister here in the U. S who was used for citizenship, as well. Do you think the Muslim Pakistani Baroness who speaks of the problems that we discuss is fabricating? I can understand you as a Pakistani woman not wanting to believe it’s true. Too many women have come forward on this blog who said they were bamboozled by Pakistani men for anyone to dismiss it as falsehood.

  • Zahra

    November 17, 2015

    I believe you all must be dealing with Paki families that either have village background or are from small towns. It’s not the case in big cities. I am from Pakistan and I have never seen stuff you guys mention.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2015

    Mari2,

    With all due respect to you, thanks for wanting to share the guy’s blog articles, but I’ll pass on sending our people to someone else’s blog. We have enough expertise here on our blog.

  • Mari2

    November 17, 2015

    In Pakistan once a woman is married she becomes the property of her husband’s family. She can only visit her own family with the permission of her husband and MIL. She can only buy things if her MIL or SIL approve. And often she turns over her wedding gold to her MIL. She doesn’t even own that after all. And yes she does become a servant for MIL. Why else would the mothers be choosing the bride for their sons? The mom chooses a girl she wants her son to marry.

    One time M told me about a friend of his that went to live on his own with his wife. The friend’s mom stopped eating and got sick. M is convinced that if he doesn’t live with his mom forever and do as she bids him to, she will die and he will burn in the hell fire. No joke. He really believes this. Sad. His mom decides so much. Who gets new clothes. Which brother should get a new cell phone. How much he should give 2 for eid, etc. There are 2 interesting blog articles written by a Pakistani man that describes this. I will send them to you if you wish to share.

  • anabellah

    November 17, 2015

    Gail,

    I could see how your ex-co’s dream was shattered when she learned she wouldn’t be migrating to the good U. S. of A. , but as the saying goes, $h!t happens. We learn to deal with it. Sink or swim.

  • Gail

    November 17, 2015

    Ana,

    Great Post! My excowife was sick and tired of living and dealing with my inlaws.WHen she found out she was not immigrating to USA and was going to have to stay in Pakistan that is when all hell hit the fan.