January 2015 Discussions

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January 2015 discussions

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January 2015 discussions

January 2015 discussions

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198 Comments

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2015

    January 2015 discussionsSpirited’s comment is the last for this month. Please join us over in February’s forum.

    @Spirited,

    Hey there, Sis Spirited. It’s good to hear from you. I’m glad you stop in and gave us a holla. I’m glad all is status quo with your and yours. It’s the same with me and mine. Alhumdulliah. I look forward to hearing more from you soon, Sis 🙂

  • Spirited

    January 30, 2015

    Salaam,
    Hey guys,

    Just popping in for a bit. Hope you’re all doing well. Gail must be well settled into the new place by now 🙂
    Good to see the place is busy and new people are being helped the right way. I’m really glad there’s a place for good, wholesome info and help (hot tip — it’s this place )

    Okie dokie, I’ll be around, I’ve been plenty occupied by extended family but hopefully I can add some meaningful input sooner or later. Status quo on my end

  • Hilly

    January 22, 2015

    This is something that I wanted to share.
    Waking up to see another day is a blessing. Don’t take it for granted. Make it count and be happy and thank Allah swt that you’re alive.

  • Shabanah

    January 21, 2015

    Cowives club welcome back. That’s admirable you can speak so many languages and your children. I ant to learn fluent Arabic, french and Italian. One day InshaAllah.

    Gail im very happy to hear how happy you are and how great you’re doing. Keep succeeding.

  • Gail

    January 20, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes I know for me that is true I am moving on in my life and happy to be getting goals met.I love love love my new house even if it is a rental for now.I am so happy to be out of that trailer it was just way to small for us.I am really busy these days since Icecream season is about to start and we r renting to own r trailer and looking for more land to purchase and put more trailers on to rent to own.
    I am trying to keep up with the blog but I won’t lie it is getting little bit hard for me.I am also thinking to but the kids in virtual public school.They will still be at home but it will not be homeschool anymore as it will be structured.I don’t know jury is still out on that one.If I do it I will have to dedicate 6 hours per day 30 hours per week to it.I just don’t know yet on that one.My kids pretty much do everything on their own but tests.So it would be challenging for me work plus 30 hours a week school.
    Oh Hubs passed all his EPA test and now has a EPA Universal Licence which is really awesome!
    On the down side it seems my excowife has decided to disturb my husband either by taking him to Pakistani court or write a letter to USA Embassy not sure which just yet.I really don’t care either way as they were legally divorced before we married so she can go suck an egg as far as I am concern.As I suspected she did not bother to wish my son happy birthday so I have decided I am completely done with her.I have no desire to deal her nonsense any longer.Her jealousy and anger is more than I am prepared to deal.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    @Co-wives club, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you’re feeling much better and you are back with us. I think about all the lovely ladies, which includes you, who seem to disappear from the blog from time to time. It’s good to have you back.

    I think it is wonderful when one can speak more than one language, especially more than two. I think it’s so cool. It was funny that you were speaking Algerian and there was an Algerian nearby whom you hadn’t noticed who heard you. It’s one reason I’d like to learn to speak Spanish fluently. The only people I come in contact with on a regular are Hispanics. I would love to hear someone talking about me in Spanish, thinking I don’t understand. It’s like being a fly on someone’s wall LOL

  • cowives club

    January 20, 2015

    Asalamu alikum ladies it’s been a while

    this flu had taken us all down for the last few weeks but alhamdu lilah we getting over it now

    i hope all of you are well and in good eman ….. ma Shaa Allah alot has gone on so i have alot to catch up on

    but i will chim in on the arabic talk … alhamdu lilah my kids all speak arabic fluently they speak …algerian arabic (derja)including myself which is good as living here you need to know it … they also speak proper arabic of the quran as well as english and french … my eldest daughter in Shaa Allah will next year be going on to learn either german or spainish

    i can also read arabic and i’m getting better at understanding what i’m reading but still along way to go … it’s great to be able to speak so many languages

    i remeber years ago when we went back to the uk and i had just been learning algerian dialect …and my kids were misbehaving …we were out and normally i speak in english but i didnt want ppl knowning what i was saying so i spoke in algeria …when i looked up their was a man laughing his head off and then i realised he was algerian and understood me … it was fun but great

  • Hilly

    January 20, 2015

    Marie,
    Inshallah your pregnancy is coming a long good and you are feeling good. Marshallah for the little ones and when you start to see them practicing their deen it’s a wonderful thing. Inshallah may Allah swt bring them and keep them on the straight path.

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    @Marie,

    It’s almost time for Fajr prayer where I am. I’m on my way to recovery from my allergies. Alhumdulliah. I’d imagine it would break your heart seeing your little bubble head having an allergic reaction. Allah blessed you and Shabanah with very beautiful children. I like the idea of children being bilingual.

    Chow for now. Over and out.

  • Marie

    January 20, 2015

    Ana, hope your feeling better after your allergic reaction. Iv recently found out my 4 year old is allergic to papaya, his face was swollen, it broke my heart to have him smiling at me looking like a balloon. It the worst when my children are sick.

    I speak very little Arabic other than some ayat and dua. I can just about read it but have no idea what I’m saying lol. I think reading is the easy bit, once you know the sounds of the letters and vowels. My husband has been learning for about 2 years and can read,speak and understand quite a lot.

    Thanks to my children’s fascination with Arabic and “Arabian sinbad” they know quite a few words. My 8 year old can now pray on his own, which is wonderful when hubz isn’t here to lead us all in prayer. Alhamdulilah.

    Hilly, Marshallah, your daughter can speak Arabic, that’s wonderful. I glad your doing well, again, I’m happy you’re with us.

    Chow for now

    Ummof4. Sprited where are yoooou.

  • Shabanah

    January 20, 2015

    Im glad you’re recovering Ana 🙂 but oh no im not looking forward to having allergic reactions in the future

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2015

    @Shabanah and Hilly, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m coming along much better. Thanks for asking. 🙂 The inflammation has gone down quite a bit. At least my face isn’t itching any longer. I still have a Slight rash on my face, but, Insha Allah, it should just about be all gone by tomorrow. I’m still taking the Benadryl and the prescription medication. I really have to stay away from wheat. It’s weird. I’ve only been having allergic reactions later in life. I’ve heard it’s how it happens sometimes

  • Shabanah

    January 19, 2015

    Dear Ana How are you feeling Beautiful? Hopefully fully recovered.

  • Hilly

    January 19, 2015

    Ana, Assalamu Alaikum

    Inshallah you are feeling better today. Just checking on you. Please take care.

  • Hilly

    January 19, 2015

    Ana, so sorry. Inshallah may Allah swt make you feel better soon.

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    LOL exactly. Omg and turkish I cannot pronounce at All not even in my imagination. Its extremely difficult. A tounge twister for sure

    Ohh my goodness. InshaAllah the benedrel will work wonders. I’ve never had an allergic reaction before alhumdullilaah so I wouldn’t know what to do in your case..feel better soon

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    I wonder what happened with Mrembo. And Kadijah chimed in but didnt say much. Laila was going through a posting marathon. I miss them.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    Learning Japanese, Chinese or any nese Vietnamese – anything that doesn’t resemble what I consider words, I can’t get with. I almost get a headache thinking about it. Shabanah you should see my face. For dinner I had something with wheat in it, which I am now allergic to. My face is red as a beet, inflamed and itching. I just took 2 benedrel and a prescription pill. I’m a mess. Chat with u later. I be on my phone right now.

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    Hilly thats adorable and such a blessing your daughter speaks Arabic. She’ll be able to understand the Holy Quran. Both my children are bilangual. Well my 1 year old hasnt started yet lol. Ana I think Chinese seems to be the most difficult by far as well as japanese. The speaking, writing and reading.

  • Hilly

    January 18, 2015

    Ana, you are so right about the English language. For me even learning Arabic I see it to be very difficult. I know some words but not enough to hold a conversation and my mind is not like a sponge. Believe me it took me a long time, it seems to me, to learn some of the words that I do know. I just have to say OH BOY Ana there I go seeing things again. Yes, Shabanah looks like Hilly to me. Lol

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    Ana I speak Urdu as well. I understand quite a bit of Arabic too. English is quite difficult so I’ve heard I too am thankful for it being my native language

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Hilly,

    The question about whether she speaks another language than English was for Shabanah. I asked her as she’s been living in Pakistan for the last several years. I was wondering if she speaks Urdu or Arabic.

    I’ve been listening to Spanish CDs in my car lately. I had a couple years of Spanish in High School, so I know some words. The CD I’m listening to gives an overview of many languages. For instance, Hebrew and Arabic are similar. French, English and Spanish are similar. They are Romance language, not because they have anything to do with Romance/romantic, but due to something pertaining to Rome. 🙂 English is the most difficult language to learn, so we are truly blessed to have it as our native language. I thank Allah much for it.

  • Hilly

    January 18, 2015

    Ana, Only blessed with English for now.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    Do you speak another language beside English?

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    Hilly,

    I know it must have been exciting for you to hear her recite Arabic. It’s touching to me just to hear you speak about it. Insha Allah, they’ll teach you to speak it too one day 🙂

  • Hilly

    January 18, 2015

    Ana, Today I heard my youngest daugther, who is with her dad speaking arabic with her little brother. It was like music to my ears. Marshallah she sounds sooooo cute it made my day.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Hilly, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s was a beautiful rainy day all day today where I am too. I love the rain. A rainy day used to be my favorite type of day, but now every day is my favorite type of day. Alhumdulliah. It’s just feels so good to be alive. Every day above ground is a good day 🙂

  • Hilly

    January 18, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum to all. Nothing happening today in my part of town. Very rainy, but alhumdiallah everything is good. No school for the kids tomorrow so I am glad to say that I could just take another day off and don’t feel like I am pressed for time. Funny thing is I do have all day until my son comes home from work and the other 2 come from school late. It’s just I like to have everything ready for them when they come home. Well my sisters inshallah I will stay in touch.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2015

    @Gail,

    Hi there. I think coco puff must be busy with the fashion business. I get a bit concern knowing her mom has cancer and her brother has his own problems. I’m hoping it just that she’s busy with business and all it okay with her family.

    It seems like a busy time of the year for everyone, furthermore, I’ve got the feeling that everyone is moving forward in their lives, tackling issues head on and making progress. I have a good feeling about everything 🙂

  • Gail

    January 18, 2015

    How is everyone doing I am still trying to hang in there and keep reading.So Coco has gone missing?She must be busy with her fashion business I assume.Hope all is going well with her these days.

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    Coco Love. I miss you dearly and thought of you today and other days as well. I know you must be super duper busy. Are you there silently reading? Hoping to hear from your adorable self soon. Mwah

  • Shabanah

    January 18, 2015

    Hello Everyone. Thinking of all of you and praying you are all in the best of health and are happy and at peace in your lives. Take care!

  • Hilly

    January 16, 2015

    Ana, guess I have to brush up on my keystroke or take a speed editing class. Inshallah have a goodnight.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    Hilly,

    It’s really funny. Having a limited amount of time to edit comments probably causes confusion when I’m approving them at the same time, as you said. Who knows? Something is always happening with the functionality of this blog LOL

  • Hilly

    January 16, 2015

    Ana I was trying to edit my message and I guest you was approving it at same time.I don’t know.

  • Hilly

    January 16, 2015

    Ana,

    Inshallah my sis we all need pray the best gift ever. Well, making fudge brownies on this beautiful Friday evening. Inshallah they come out good.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    Hilly, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis Hilly,

    Thank you much for stopping in. All is good with me, Alhumdulliah – just trying to stay mindful of Allah at all times. I intend to remember you and your family in my prayers. I’ll take some prayers too you know. I could use all the prayers I can get 🙂 {{{hugs}}}

  • Hilly

    January 16, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum to all of my beautiful sisters.

    Just stopping by to give my salam before I pray Isha. I pray that everyone is doing well. Inshallah to all have a wonderful weekend. Please remember me and my family in your prayers. Assalamu Alaikum.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all the lovely people reading and writing at the 411 here

    In line with the post that I just published about depression, here is some depressing news for you:

    Blogger’s Wounds Delay 2nd Round of 50 Lashes

    http://www.newser.com/story/201342/blogger-to-be-lashed-50-times-in-round-2-of-20.html

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2015

    Below is the link to information about the Birmingham and London erroneous report about Muslims:

    http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-30773297

    As though Muslim’s don’t have enough bad publicity, let alone false bad publicity

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2015

    Okay, everyone, I’m on a roll today. I wrote a second post/thread. For those who are interested, here’s the link: https://www.polygamy411.com/unhappy-women-living-polygamous-marriages/

    @Mari2,

    Insha Allah, I’m going to take a much needed break. I’ll be back to read you, Sis. 🙂

  • Mari2

    January 15, 2015

    MASHALLAH my MIL made it safely home to Pakistan. When leaving her at the airport I did feel worried for her since neither M nor I were permitted to walk her to the gate, so she was left on her own after a certain checkpoint to navigate numerous escalators (people from Pakistan have very little practice with these and find them terrifying), a tram, and negotiating a large airport in order to find her gate. I know M was especially worried for her. Airports can be daunting enough for a seasoned traveler, but for a novice one, they can be quite scary. Especially when one neither speaks the language nor is literate. By the grace of Allah MIL found her gate and made it to Dubai where thankfully she befriended another Pushto speaking woman from my town. The two of them hung out together in Dubai for the arduous lay over, and kept one another company. MIL’s biggest issue was in Islamabad where a man helped her remove super heavy suitcases from the luggage carousel then hounded her for money, even following her into the parking lot where M’s brother was able to shoo him away. Poor woman arrived back in her village after a two hour drive, got 1 hour of sleep and then the horde of relatives descended to visit, insisting that she awaken and greet them. I am happy she made it home safely…but am flummoxed by the fact her own kin wouldn’t give her a day at least to rest before they decided a visit was in order.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone out there in cyberspace,

    As we’ve been discussing being blue and depressed, I wrote a post/thread for those interested to read. It is:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/feeling-depressed-polygamous-blues/

    If it pleases Allah, you are all having a lovely day or night, whichever it is on your part of the planet polygamy 411

  • Shabanah

    January 15, 2015

    Marie, I think Laila is in Malaysia. I didn’t know Ina was in the UK. It would be so funny if we were next door neighbors all along. Sometimes when I go out I look at people like that could be Gail’s SIL’s and I don’t know it or Mari2 MIL. lol im just joking. Have a splendid Thursday loves.

  • Marie

    January 15, 2015

    Hey ina, we all get blue sometimes, it’s a part of life, I think. Just remember Allah is always there to pick us back up, we just got to ask. I know what you mean about getting nothing done, I mentioned it to hubz, by the time I’m done being depressed the day is over. As long as we’ve remembered Allah, we’ve done something positive with the day. Insha’allah you’ll feel better soon.

    Funny, I thought you lived in Malaysia. Lol
    Did you hear that Fox news said that Birmingham and London are no go areas for non Muslims. It was certainly news to me, I couldn’t stop laughing. Who makes this stuff up? Lol

  • Shabanah

    January 15, 2015

    Aaaaw Ina. Please feel better soon. Is there any reason why you’re feeling down in the dumps? Sometimes I get blue just because. Probably pms. Stay with us. You’ve been missed.

  • Ina

    January 15, 2015

    Assalamualaikum and Good morning (from UK),
    I am feeling a little blue. I wanted to comment many times on the discussions over the past few days but can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. I hate this feeling of wasting and not being productive with my time. I have been procrastinating and then hate myself each night when the day is over. Then the next day, I know I should do something useful/productive so I won’t feel bad but can’t seem to make myself do anything. Before I know it, time has ticked away again. Sorry for sounding depressed…inshaallah I will feel better soon.

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2015

    Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis

    Welcome back. You’re probably refreshed. You sound way happy, which makes me happy. It’s good to have you back with us.

    I know the feeling of needing to catch up. Don’t stress out about it, if you’ve missed too much to catch up on. No pressure!!!

    Much love to you too, my friend. {{{hugs}}}

    @Gail,

    Hey there, Gail Girl

    Thanks for checking in. {{{hugs}}}

  • Gail

    January 14, 2015

    Just checking in how is everyone doing?I try to read along silently as much as I can.
    Hope everyone is doing well.

    Mari,
    Happy to hear your pregnancy is going great!

  • Marie

    January 14, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All.

    @Ana, I’d love to hang out and discuss quran with you. Insha’allah one day we may have the opportunity. I don’t know any women who like to discuss our religion, it’s quite sad, they would rather talk about each other and moan all day long, I don’t have time for it. I usually only talk to hubz, my brother and FIL.
    “Growing pains” I like that, I think iv moved passed anger and rage, for now. I’m finding it easier to dispel any thoughts of ‘other’ and my husband. I’m trying to have a one track mind…on Allah and to be a better Muslim.

    Shabanah, pregnancy is going well alhamdulilah, I’m in my 12th week so the sickness is starting to wear off. I do love being pregnant, minus the sickness and lack of energy as you stated. Feeling them move is a wonderful feeling. With my second son, the kicks was quite painful, he was born 8lb 10, and was/is an extremely strong child, the midwife said he practically delivered himself lol.

    Ummu’Ain, so glad you enjoyed your vacation, and happy your back safe and sound alhamdulilah.

    Love to you all.

  • Shabanah

    January 14, 2015

    Wa alaikum salaam ummu ain. You’ve been missed. I was inquiring about your absence in an earlier post. How was your vaca gurl? I hope it was one to remember.

    Chow!

  • Ummu 'Ain

    January 14, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww and a good mid month, my dear sistas…

    At last I have a minute to drop by. I’ve been crazy BZ ever since we got back from the week-long vacation with school prep for the kids and work at the office. Whew!!

    And now I realize I have soooooo much catching up to do here.

    Let me read and be updated of what’s going on in this family…hear from me later sistas. Been missing all of you.

    Much love

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to Everybody,

    It’s actually 1:00 a.m. where I am on the planet and I am about to retire to the boudoir.

    I want to let everyone know I made a new post/thread as a friendly reminder to everyone to put Allah FIRST in their lives ALWAYS. It’s a serious reminder for me, as well. All that I write here is for me as well as everyone else. The more I write the more I remember and Insha Allah, I will rehearse it.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/remember-allah-not-husband/

    Till we meet again, as my deceased sister used to say, “Peace Out!”

    Much Salaams

  • Shabanah

    January 13, 2015

    Hello Everyone, I pray all are in the best of health. Marie, how’s your pregnancy coming along? Pregnancy is a beautiful experience. The baby movements, hearing its heartbeat for the very first time, it’s exhilarating. The only part I dont miss about being pregnant is the morning sickness and heat burn. InshaAllah you’ll have a healthy beautiful baby

  • Gail

    January 13, 2015

    Ana,
    Thanks I am doing my best to keep up to speed.I will for sure keep checking in.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    I understand you are extremely busy. You’ve got a lot on your plate. You’re one of those super women. I just don’t know how you all do it. I feel as though I do nothing compared to ladies like you. Gail, I actually think had Allah given me children with the disposition He has given me, I’d be in a looney bin. It’s work just taking care of me and a husband.

    I’m happy you’re happy with your new move and doing the shopping thing. It’s always nice to get a fresh start at times and recharge the energy in a different direction.

    Just as long as you check in when you can, is all I ask. It’s not the same here when I don’t hear from you {{{hugs}}}

  • Gail

    January 12, 2015

    Hilly,
    Nice to see u back!

    Ana,
    Sorry I am absent so much I am so busy now that we have moved into the new house.Feels like I am running alot more now.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2015

    Mari2,
    I could not have said it better myself about the ungrateful people with hands out looking for a gift ughh.I have never seen anything like it in all my life to be frank.
    I think u should through yourself a party when she leaves go out to eat somewhere nice or do something nice for yourself u sure deserve it.

  • Mari2

    January 12, 2015

    Well tomorrow is THE DAY!!!!! MIL returns to Pakistan. The only issue is the enormous amount of things she has or is trying to squash into her suitcases and carry on. I keep having visions of her suitcases exploding like piñatas as they travel in the cargo hold. In the morning, M and I will need to re-weigh them as MIL has added extra items, which I think is going to put them over the weight restrictions. Luckily, M is headed to Pakistan in February so he can bring any items that MIL cannot. However, MIL is in a conundrum (which I do understand) because so many people are expecting her to return with mucho stuff, and people will grumble if they feel she has slighted them by not bringing enough, or by making them wait until February to receive their spoils. Oy! I do not envy her position as gift bearer to the perpetually ungrateful.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    @Marie,

    Try not to be upset. As you know, you’re dealing with hormones now, as well. You have to understand; you’ve been married to your husband for a while. Although, he’s always been in her life as a friend, she is now a wife. There is a difference. For a while she was probably struggling a lot. Maybe she’s becoming more comfortable in the marriage. She and he are still in the honeymoon period. It takes nothing from you.

    It’s difficult for you because your antenna’s are up. You tend to observed his every move. You listen to his every word. You notice differences in how he does things. You see everything he does. Some of what you see is bound to upset you, as Satan jumps in with his whispers as well. It’s okay. It’s not you. Don’t take it personally. He’s not turning away from you. Just give him some space, and don’t smoother him.

    When husbands have more than one wife they have to find “me” time. They are constantly going and then has other things to deal with as well, such as a job. Marie, it will all fall into place. Just keep reading, studying and learning, and you will love life and life will be good to you 🙂 It’s all good. You have growing pains right about now.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I get it when you said you have so much you are learning about our faith that you want to share and discuss with your husband. It’s the enthusiasm we’re supposed to have about our religion, and wanting to learn it and live it. You should be so happy. It’s the coolest thing to read something that we have read maybe 100 times and we get a new meaning. Sometimes it seems I’m reading something for the very first time; although I’ve read the Quran from front to back over and over again for years and years and years. It will always be that way. It’s like layers and layers of an onion being peeled.

    I could see you and me being buddies, hanging out and discussing what we read and learn all the time. It’s how it is with my wali and me. It’s all we do most of the time is discuss Islams and ayat from the Quran – just Islam and ayat and how they apply to everything we see, hear and come into contact with. You know way more than most in knowing some of the meanings of those Ayat that you shared with us today. The way to go. Alhumdulliah.

  • Hilly

    January 12, 2015

    Wa laikum Assalam

    Ana, you are so welcome. Yes, my little one is with her dad she’s daddy’s little girl. He just could not turn her down. At least she is learning arabic for now. Inshallah I just pray that she does well in her studies. May Allah swt bless the co for handling my two daughters.

    Marie, yes so much to read and remember. Don’t worry, inshallah just want you to know if I can help you in any way, inshallah I will do my best.

  • anabellah

    January 12, 2015

    @Marie,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to read you after I get back up before noon LOL. Fajr prayer just came in so I better hasten to salat.

  • Marie

    January 12, 2015

    Asalaamu alaykum ana, hilly and shabanah.

    Jazakallah for your words. I know I just have to hold on and keep going forward. It’s little things that seem to be upsetting me, things I hadn’t noticed or wasn’t happening before. Like, when hubz was getting ready to leave this time, he spend extra time in the bathroom grooming, gave extra thought to what he was going to wear, and put aftershave on. Then he left. And instead of it being normal and maybe me getting a bit angry, I just felt sad and cried for about 10 mins. It was then time for magrib so that perked me up. Also, while he’s gone, I would be reading or studying the deen and think of all the things I want to share with him when he gets home. Now, by the time he comes theirs so much I wanted to say but just don’t care to talk. Life’s turned into a chores routine. We only have time to talk about things that are happening like, appointments, kids, shopping. There doesn’t seem to be any conversations like we used to have. I miss it. He doesn’t seem all that interested anyway. I suppose he’s had months of just sorting out problems and listening to women moan. He says he wants ME time. Well I want US time.

    Shabanah, the book we keep mentioning. I think it is aimed at those who marry first and enter polygamy, hence the title. However I think anyone in polygamy women and men, and those who are close to someone who lives polygamy can benefit. The woman who married first has an effect on all the people around her, including her co wife-sometimes. It’s good to know why she may act like a crazed woman and what she may be going through. But I think all woman whatever order they married in share some of the same feelings in polygamy.

    Hilly, I remember reading you when I first came to the blog, but can’t remember any of your story. Glad your here with us. Alhamdulilah.

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Marie, the first year actually first two years are the most difficult and you’re only 7 months in. I just want to give you a nice long comforting hug because I’ve been where you are and I dont miss it at all. Im thankful for the lessons learned but I do not like having the memories drilled into my mind. You’ll get through it inshaAllah and in a few years you’ll look back in amazement like how in the world did you get through the polygamy tornado. You’ll be proud of yourself and we’ll be proud of you too. Allah has guided you here in the beginning stages unlike me. Its been seven years. I think if I would’ve found this blog at the beginning a lot would have been avoided. I went into polygamy blind. Unfortunately there’s no step by step guide to success Manuel. Is the monogomy to polygamy book only for first wives? It sounds like a good read.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    Hilly, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m sorry to keep repeating myself, but I’m just so happy you are back with us again. You are one of our oldies but goodies. It was you, Lynn, Fatima, Del, Khadijah (4th wife). I think Mrs#2 was here too. Just to mention some.

    So, your second daughter has grown up and is off with the hubby taking in new sights with your older daughter. Alhumdulliah!!!

    You sound very good and at peace. I’m so happy for you.

    I really enjoyed reading your post. I 100% think how you are handling things is very good.

    Thank you for the most needed reminders. I’m very appreciative of all the reminders to remember Allah I receive from everyone here.

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you for the reminder about salat. I want to get in the habit of HASTENING to salat. When salat comes in, I want to jump up from my computer or leave whatever I’m doing and get myself prepared to offer salat and perform salat with sincere devotion.

  • Hilly

    January 11, 2015

    Walaikum Assalam,

    Inshallah everyone had a good and drama free weekend and everyone is feeling good.

    Shabanah, I am first wife with five children. Second wife lives out of the US. Hubby is with second wife along with 2 of our daughters. Inshallah Allah swt will make a way for all of us to be settled in one place.

    Ana, I am starting to learn that being polite and respectful to the co wife is enough. Not that I have ever tried to push the issue. I use to, I don’t know expect certain things. Maybe just expecting to much. Just that I feel things to make me realize that I should just stay in my place and wait and see what will happen next. If Allah swt wants us to be more than it will be, if not than not. For the sake Allah swt I just know that I try to do the right thing. Still the hubby believes that inshallah when we all come together it will be peaches and cream. I try to let him know that maybe it’s not so. Alhumduiallah for his positive thinking.

    Marie, on lie it takes time. But you are doing good alhumduiallah. That mountain is steep and very hard to climb. Take baby steps and Allah swt is there for all of us to hold on to so He can push us and hold us at the top of that mountain. Keep praying and remembrance of Allah swt. Allah swt knows what we can and can’t handle.

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2015

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    Don’t beat yourself up. You’re still a newbie to polygamy. It’s only been 7 months for you. It is not unusual for the wives early on to think they will be okay in a polygamous marriage. They think they are okay, but soon realize they aren’t.

    I really think actually being okay with polygamy sincerely from the heart is a process that the wives have to go through that takes time because they have to learn a new way of life. It doesn’t happen overnight.

    I’m beginning to think it is better for the wives to NOT concern themselves with the co-wives, as much as possible, and just focus on their own marriages. Even when children are involved, the wives should only have contact with one another that is needed to keep the children safe,healthy and happy.

    The only thing that is required of the wives is kind and just treatment of one another and Allah commands the returning of the salaams or exchanging a greeting that is better than the one received. Other than it Why force a relationship that is not heart felt between the wives and it’s not truth. Why pretend to like someone who you don’t. Why pretend to be the so called “better person” when it’s all pretense? Allah Knows.

    The husbands may want the wives to be the bestess of friends, but, as my grandma said, people in Hell want ice water. Allah determines everything, which includes who will be friend and won’t, and when. If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it.

  • Marie

    January 11, 2015

    asalamu alaykum all,

    iv been thinking about how im dealing with polygamy. I thought id gone through the phases and come out the other end. then a new emotion sets in, one I thought id dealt with. I don’t think I have the stronger type of emotions, but to a lesser degree. like, i don’t feel extreme sadness but just sad-sometimes. never the less its still there. I feel like iv climbed to the top of the polygamy mountain, and now im just hanging there, trying to pull myself to safety. insha allah I can pull myself up I see how beautiful the view is from my polygamy mountain, which at one time I couldn’t even look at, let alone think about climbing. i can only pray and ask Allah to show mercy on me and help me through this stage, so i don’t drop off and end up back at the bottom.
    its been two years since my husband first spoke to me about polygamy and 7 months since he re-married.

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    I hate to toot my own horn but……beep beep. Lol

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Oh and laila I loved bree too but I felt like I had a little of each desperate housewife in me. Im neat and organized like bree, a soccer type mom like lynette, a sexy savvy woman like gabby a loving mother like susan.

  • Shabanah

    January 11, 2015

    Laila I was very much into desperate housewives until it ended for good but it seemed sex was the main focus in the beginning then it went left and it became more mysterious then sexy. A lot of shows are like that. Scandal is into sex so much but i like the politics of it more so. Not really into the main character being single yet having an ongoing hot and bothered affair with a married president with the wifes knowledge but not her consent. Its just a show though. I love reality shows like the real housewives of beverly hills, miami, atlanta and new jersey. It is so unreal how they are the age they are yet still behaving like teenagers.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    In the past I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE Desperate Housewives. But after a while when I saw how sex was the main focus and all I lost interest. My favourite character was Bree. Hehehe! I can relate to her. Shes my type, and to some extent I am like her. Cleaning freak at home.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    LOL!!! I know Ana…. its morbid and has a rather dark side which is to me sort of interesting. Im so bored of shows on tv that focuses so much on sex, sex being so good, and that co-workers can sleep toegther and it is all okay the next day and having affairs is healthy thing when facing issues in ones marriage. Im so bored of this sort of predictable, pathetic storyline. I am also to some extent done with shows that portray that women who are in control and are in charge should not feel a thing when having sex with multiple individuals. I think that is not my cup of tea maybe because of the way I was brought up. So I am pretty selective. I avoid reality based shows as I find it so vulgar and it lacks so much in values and personal principles and even basic respect for one another.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    Laila,

    My hubs watches the “Penny Dreadful”. I glance over every once in a while when he’s watching it and I’m going about doing other things. It’s not my cup of tea though

  • Laila

    January 10, 2015

    Guys I am way into Penny Dreadful…. very very interesting to me at the moment. That I actually look forward to it playing. Movies….. watched the latest in my side of the world, called the Seventh Son in theatres. Okay…not so great but okay.

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2015

    @Mrembo,

    I agree with the others here who say you should separate monies that are yours from his. Keep it separate. If you VOLUNTARILY want to contribute to her and his lives then it would be something you could do, voluntarily, God willing. The three of you should consult with one another about everything and do what you three think is best for the three of you – that is morally correct.

    In the case of Muslims, if all the parties to the marriage are believers, they’d live as a family (even if living in separate dwellings) and although the women’s monies are their own, they wouldn’t mind spending it on one another as they are a family of believers and it’s what believers do – take care of one another.

    I think your husband’s other isn’t very much interested in sharing a life with you and your husband. As I stated before, I think she’s going to get cold feet. She’s not too much liking what he’s proposing. It’s the feeling I’m getting.

  • alison

    January 10, 2015

    Salam guys and hope everyone is enjoying 2015. Just popped to say hey. Can’t say much posting from my phone and it’s a nightmare
    much love

  • Shabanah

    January 10, 2015

    Ana oh my goodness im hooked on scandal too. They would kill over politics. Crazzzyy. I cant wait for the show to return. I don’t know how celebrities juggle all of their responsibilities and remain sane. Well many dont. They become overwhelmed and revert to suicide which is unfortunate. It seems the more you have the more you want and the more you get the crazier and unhappier you become. May Allah keep us content and grateful with what we have. HE can take everything away from us faster than we can blink our eyes

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    Mari2,

    In the U.S., I’d imagine a wife who is not legal would file single, head-of-house hold and the legal wife would file jointly with her husband or not depending on which is favorable for the husband and his legal wife. If a non-legal wife were to file as married, it would open a whole can of worms. Spouses have to include the spouses’ names and social security numbers.

  • Mari2

    January 9, 2015

    @Mrembo,
    I’m the first wife and all my accounts are separate and have been since the get go. It is not your responsibility to provide for the second. It is your husband’s responsibility to provide for the both of you. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to have money in your own accounts once another wife comes on board. This brings up a question for any of you in polygamous marriages in the US….what do you all do come tax time?

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum girlfriend,

    Insha Allah, you’ll get a good night sleep. I haven’t watched the show you mentioned. I pretty much only do the movie thing right before I go to bed. I’ll watch a complete movie with the hubs and a couple of our favorite shows such as, “The Good Wife” and “Scandal” with him. I basically watch a movie sometimes while he’s sleeping. I usually get through about 15 or 20 minutes of it before drifting off to sleep and then have to watch another 15 or 20 minutes of it each night till I finish it. Of course, if it’s a rented movie, I try to force myself to watch it all in one sitting, so I could return it and not rack up the expense. I’ve got so much to do; I can’t seem to find time to do everything. I don’t know how all the super women such as Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez do it. I’m not saying I’m at all like them, as I’m not. I just wonder how celebrities make the time for all they do and keep their sanity

  • anabellah

    January 9, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    Ruqayyah,

    I agree with you on the examples you gave of the things that husbands should hide. A wife shouldn’t need to hear her husband say who he loves the most out of the two wives. A wife could tell if she is the wife the husband loves the most or not. She could tell by his actions. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

    coco mentioned a well known Hadith saying in which men are taught they can lie to keep peace between the wives. Most Muslims rely on Hadith saying and not the Holy Quran, as they never have read the Holy Quran. Just knowing men are encouraged to lie based on a Hadith saying is enough not to trust a husband when he claims to love her more than the other wife. Most Muslim men who follow Hadith sayings think they have a valid excuse to lie. Knowing such, why believe these men when it comes to information such as who he loves the most. A believer focuses on whether or not Allah loves him or her. A husband’s love is nothing. What does a husband’s love mean?

    Marie had said her husband felt a certain way about being able to tell his other wife that Marie may be pregnant. It sounds your husband and Marie’s husband share the same sentiments about a thing they had something to do with – the wife becoming pregnant/his children. I think the husbands are correct in the case of their children.

  • Shabanah

    January 9, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum errrbody hehehe. How’s everyone’s day going so far. Im fittin to retire for the night in a few hours inshaAllah. Any new movies or shows. Does anyone watch the tv series “how to get away with murder”?omg you havent lived until you watch that show. Its sophisticated. Excellent show. Right now it’s on a hiatus until 29-1-2015.

  • Shabanah

    January 9, 2015

    Mrembo
    Im a third wife and I have my own acc my hubs created for me to use for just me and our two boys. He pays all house bills and other expenses. I think you should get a separate account its not fair she should just jump in the mix and reap the benefits of your hard work. Find your voice homegirl. Stand up for your rights.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2015

    Dear Mrembo. I am a second wife… I do not share squat with him or her. I have my separate acc to which I contribute on a monthly basis. When we got married I received my wedding gift of a few thousands. I put it under my name. My investments are all under my name. We don’t share, as it will get complicated. My cars and property are under my name. He used his savings to buy me gifts etc. I made sure of it. I felt so uncomfortable initially as I assumed he used their savings of joint account. Which I am glad and proud he did not. This is my arrangement and it works.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 9, 2015

    I am not saying men need to hide important things. Responsibilties and talks that effect his family NEED to be discussed and shouldn’t be hidden to save the feelings of the other wife. Things such as who he loves more, who cooks better, etc need to be hidden.

    My husband was offended when I said he should hide things from me and her, “She my not want you to tell me she’s pregnant”. He said “Yeah but it’s my kid too and I’ll tell who I want”. In situations like this I guess he’s right.. the wives may not like it but our husbands have kids too (mind you an actual pregnancy was in the talks NOT trying to get pregnant) and may want to share. We don’t really get to control who they tell even if we don’t really like it. As a first wife I definitely get that it would be hard to create the barrier, my husband tells me every single thing. I’m trying to explain it won’t be possible in the future if he remarries and he gets offended..

  • Mrembo

    January 9, 2015

    @ Ana, thanks for your words of wisdom. My hubby told me today he called her and she finally answered the phone. Told him that she has a lot on her mind, her uncle is very sick back home and she will be going to be with him for a month at the end of this month. Understandable and am sympathetic. At the same, did she not have a moment where she could have txt’d him to tell him that she has a lot going on? Now my husband is back to his jovial self and building all these castles of how we all are going to get along. So I brought about the issue of finances since hubby and I have joint accounts and have quite a bit of investments. I simply told him that he cannot use my money that I have worked hard for to entertain (dates/gifts) her and she will be pocketing hers. I have let him know that I have every intention to get an account on my own should I feel that she is using us financially. He did not like that, at the same time he seemed to reluctantly agree. How do you ladies deal with finances with the addition of a new wife who has contributed nothing? He continued to say that he will ensure she contributes financially even if the three of us have to open an account where we will be depositing equal proportions of money on a regular basis. This scares me as we both have worked hard to get to where we are and I don’t want her coming in and disrupting anything more than she already has.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    Dear Ana. I just cannot wait for June!!

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    She argues with me and asked me why he is not eating his dinner at her place. Sounded nuts but after the chaos I realized she was upset. Who wouldn’t be really? You cook and your husband does not eat at home?!…. she even did not like him coming home late and assumed he was at my place as the reason being late. So, by talking, or in my case yelling, I get the bigger picture. The bigger picture which men sometimes are too “polite” to share. So maybe your husband is not giving her the bigger picture. After all, they just got married, everything is new and exciting. Who would want to screw up that situation with responsibilities and talk that may create a s***** feeling. Ruqayyah is right. Men to some degree hide stuff.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    I know its easier said than done. But I think both your husband and co need to be schooled on what polygamy is all about. Its not just the getting married part, reception, honeymoon etc etc etc. I feel its the after of the honeymoon period. How to co-exist peacefully where all parties are mature, understanding and supportive to what role they play in order to make this a success. Have you tried talking to your co? Maybe its time. You do not have to be rude but just talk in an open manner and tell her whats on your mind. My co as looney as she can be does talk / yell at me. Well after Ive cooled down I sort of understand where she is coming from. Like recently, last Oct she called me and screamed her guts out.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    I asked for the meeting so that we could all throw our view points and thrash matters out and move on with our lives and marriages. To date, my co has never once initiated a proper meet up. She is young, what do you expect? By posting on Facebook in regards about her menses being late shows her mentality and quite frankly stupidity. I will never share personal information like that on Facebook! … I understand and totally feel your frustration but you are not addressing the elephant in the room. Why entertain extra information? Even if he does tell you honestly, you have to sit him down and talk. Tell him now that he has two wives he must learn to prioritize family and not her, her needs, her emotional needs, her blackmail, …… because it will never stop.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    Dear Ina. I understand that you want to be the neutral party and that your main focal point are your kids. But from what I am reading from your post I got the impression that unwanted information is given and it is causing the rift. I am not siding your co either directly or indirectly. I understand the situation so perfectly well because just like you I am in a polygamous set up. My number does not matter. What matters most is my personal experiences. My co used to be like that whereby she creates tantrums and wars but does it to hubbs. Now…. don’t get me wrong. I am no knight in shining armour when it comes to my hubbs situation but I asked very clearly for a chat amongst all three of us. I asked it in the very early days of our marriage.

  • Hilly

    January 8, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum

    Ana, thanks for the heads up. Was somewhat confused. So I quest I am back for now. Inshallah I hope that you and everyone had a very wonderful and drama free day. Inshallah getting ready to end my night, I still have 1 hour left before lights out. Can’t seem to stay up past 8. Well ladies, have a goodnight. Until we talk tomorrow inshallah. Assalamu Alaikum,

  • Shabanah

    January 8, 2015

    Laila, your vacation sounds uh freaken maziiiinnggg. Good for you lucky woman. Heaven on earth literally. I always dream of going to one of those resorts where they have the straw made cottages over bluish green water. One day I’ll travel the world 🙂

    Hello Anabella Dearest. Here’s a warm snuggley hug and wishing you a blessed day.

  • Ina

    January 8, 2015

    @Shabanah, Let’s hope for my co-wife’s sake that she will calm down on the jealousy over the next year because I am not going anywhere fast. Maybe once she realises that she cannot get rid of me, she will accept the situation and we get on with our marriages without too much fuss.

    @Ummof4, Ruqayyah, Ana,
    I agree that hubby should stop talking to me about his other marriage. I had advised him a few times that he should not say things about me to her and vice versa. What I learnt from “the boy” was that my husband told her many details about me and our marriage. I think he did it to make himself look better and to justify his reason for finding another wife. But by doing so, he has given her a one-sided impression of me and hence does not respect me or my marriage.
    She once wrote to me saying that she is tired of hearing my husband talk about me asking for divorce and told me I should just divorce him if I really meant it. She even gave me the legal term for how a wife can divorce a husband in Malaysia. It’s funny how the shoe is the other foot now.

    @Marie, I admit that I did feel a little smug when I heard about her tantrums. She had no empathy for me when she was cybersexing my husband and what’s worse is that she does not think she has done anything wrong. So to hear that she is having issues now does not evoke any feelings of sympathy from me, mainly because the issues are so petty anyway. It proves that I was right about her crazy jealousy nature.

    @Laila,
    Glad to hear you had a blissful honeymoon. I know you empathise with my co-wife as you had been in the same position as her. I am that bothered by her petty childish behaviour like counting the minutes or not allowing hubby to call me, etc, until it affects me/my kids. Like the time she made him take her and her friend to different train stations so he could not get back in time to pick up kids from school (something he promised he would do). Thing that annoyed was that he could have dropped her earlier but no it had to be done her way so he was late. He warned me earlier that day, made excuses for it and then told me he did try to make it on time. I can understand her wanting to pretend we don’t exist but I was raging when she deleted my text msgs about my son being unwell. She had no right to delete any msgs from someone else’s phone.
    Maybe I have given everyone the wrong impression of hubby. He does not have emotional rants about his other marriage. Things come out during a conversation and it’s not like I ask him how she’s doing or anything like. For example, when she confiscated his phone, I asked (naturally), why did you let her do that? He simply gave an honest reply. There are probably different ways that he could have answered that question without saying she asked for divorce but hubby is a plain speaker and I think he just wanted to be honest.

    I shall address the pregnancy talk in the crazy acting co-wives post.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our blog family members 🙂

    I’m hopeful everyone is happy and with spirits high. If not today, then maybe tomorrow, Insha Allah.

    @Dear Laila,

    I’m so happy to hear your honeymoon/holiday was delightful. It sounded like my type of party. I pray your upcoming holiday in June is just as nice or better. You waited patiently for many years and it seems to all be paying off nicely for you. Good things come to those who wait. I love hearing when nice things happen to nice people 🙂

    @coco puff,

    It sounds you have been doing a lot of deep contemplation about life and it’s meaning, as Laila has, as well. I’m with the two of you. I’m always striving to be the best I can be. There is so much I want to do to improve myself and it seems not to be enough time in the day for me to do it all. I’ve set my sights on really getting into leaning to speak Spanish fluently. I had a couple years of it in high school. I always loved the language and it’s fairly easy to learn compared to all the others.

    @Shabanah,

    I could use some of your sunshine to warm things up. It very cooooold outside where I live. I had been going out with just a vest over a sweatshirt, but I had to retire it for a heavy duty coat and gloves. I hope you got some rest, and are ready to do it all again with taking care of your little darlings LOL

    Okay, I better run. Got some things to do, but shall return, Insha Allah.

  • coco

    January 8, 2015

    Laila
    Ooo I didn’t mean that you didn’t put up a fight I can see how you thought otherwise, I could have elaborated my thought. I meant you abandoned the negative energy pushing far away whatever causes you turmoil or anguish so you can focus on who you are and what your purpose in life is. Being healthy and full of passion sounds the way to be! xo ☺️

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    Dear Marie. How is your pregnancy going?

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    We plan to head there again in June. We just enjoyed the ambiance and the whole laid back situation. It made me also wonder about my life. When I was busy working I had no time to just relax and look at where I would want to head off. I was too busy earning money and saving and having a lot on my shoulders. Now with this break its good you know. We plan to go the whole nine yards in terms of our treatment to get a child this year round. I think I am ready, physically and mentally. Last year was tough, I had multiple miscarriages. My body was like telling me that it was so done with trying. I am also eating healthy and I plan to start running again. So I guess my vacation was also a learning experience. It was memorable and best of all, romantic. Oh yeah, I did manage to get a handbag out of hubbs. Charles and Keith heheheh! Shabanah…. tq for your beautiful wish

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    Dear Ana. My trip to Phuket was wonderful. I hope I do not sound like I am gloating here but here is what I experienced. We finally went on our honeymoon! 😉 it was an expensive spa / resort. It was about 2000 a night. Really really romantic. So yes, we ate a lot of seafood, walked about and had body massages…. hehehe! We got naughty…. and I had a blast in the swimming pool and even the indoor pool. He cut up fruits for me for breakfast and served me coffee. To make it feel special I had professional henna work done on my arms and legs to feel like a bride. It was awesome!!! Theres nothing much to do in Phuket. It is more of a couples retreat holiday area. I spent a lot of time and we just chatted non-stop…. which was good.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    I look at it as fate to have placed me in polygamy. Because if I really had my way I would not agree to be in q polygamous set up. Its tough really. My trip, or honeymoon to be exact was a good eye opener. What do I really want in my life? …. certainly is not competing with my co. In fact, I want to pretend that she no longer exists. We only bring her up when it concerns my schedule. Nothing more and nothing less. I am beautiful, sexy, educated and have a whole life ahead of me. I would not waste it on things that lack substance. I want to be selfish, whereby, I place myself first, healthy thoughts, healthy mind, beautiful life, great relationships, feeling blessed, feeling loved. Life is supposed to be filled with passion, passion for the right things.

  • Laila

    January 8, 2015

    Dear Coco. Hmmmm ….. I never looked at it the way you said, whereby I surrender myself instead of fighting. I think I am where I am because I just do not want to put up with nonsense anymore. As Ive mentioned, my last vacation was a bit different. I was stuck without a book to read. So I was forced to just think about the course of my life. What sort of woman I would like to be and how I want my life to run. My co is always waiting for me to f*** up, and in the past I was very vulnerable to her tactics, and I did blow up. Hubbs never gave me any issues on it but it made me look foolish. I want my marriage, I want a meaningful and engaging relationship, and I am willing to work for it.

  • Shabanah

    January 8, 2015

    Salaams to all of you lovely beings. Just wanted to drop by today. Im off to bed. My two energized dangerously wild sons have me beat.Totally exhausted. Have an exquisite day/night. Love and hugs.

  • coco

    January 8, 2015

    Laila
    Omg I give you major props for posting through a phone I did try once and got so frustrated I gave up altogether! hehehe I was thinking about you a while back wondering how your situation is with your family I’m hoping better. Reading your recent posts I’ve fathomed that you’re in a state of calm mashAllah I reckon you came to the realisation that one can fight the waves of their struggle or just surrender to the tides until they reach serenity. I see you focused on your sanity as opposed to chasing victory against your co-wife. You’re choosing to keep yourself unarmed and aren’t bothered to compete or fuel your bad wolf that’s why you’ve reached utter tranquility. I don’t see you as sadistic at all I see YOU in control of your emotions, stability and contentment! Stay blessed babe! Much love sister ☺️❤️ xo!

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    Dear Mari2. Im sorry but not befriending your SIL’s will not ease the burden. My nieces and sisters in law sometimes upload photos of her and hubbs and yes it hurts. But Ive learnt to not care anymore. It is certainly not worth the anger and frustration. Ive learnt over time to have my own individuality going without hubbs. My facebook account is all about me. Sometimes I tag a few pictures of the both of us. He is now the one wanting to take photos and stuff. I am saying this because it cannot be avoided. When one family has two daughters in law with one son, some relatives think its amusing to show unwanted details. They have no sensitivity whatsoever. Ive learnt to be firm, and not show that I am interested. In short, I do not give them the reaction they are dying to see. I know, it is sadistic. But survival is key for ME. My happiness matters, not them.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    Dear Coco, tq for acknowledging me in your comments. My late reply is a result of having laptop issues and internet failure. Will get on track soon. Right now I am commenting via mobile phone…. which is a challenge!

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    Ive been teaching kids all my life. Therefore I understand to some degree. Hubbs too has days where it is war zone on the other side, but I respect him for not involving me and keeping a poker face when he is at my side. I appreciate it. I do not hear negativity about her and the best part is he does not bring her issues to my side and ruin my time. The less I know is better as I have no grudges, issues whatsoever. I just literally pretend that she does not exist and this in my way mind you keeps the peace. Yes she still probably has beef with me but that is her crap to clear. Not mine.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    His son is giving him crap this time round but I just do not want to know about it. Ive got enough of issues to handle and quite frankly, he is not my son to even care to begin with. Its easier that way. Of course the husband needs a shoulder to cry and vent on when one wife acts out. It gives him a place to run to. But hey, he could do the same to the same exact wife who is his best buddy.It is just a matter of time, and foolish behaviour on all parties. Ina, no offence, but you too need to stop listening to his emotional vents. He needs to handle it himself. Try and give your co some time, and not expect her to immediately have empathy for you. It takes time. I understand you are hurt by her silly, air head behaviour, but it takes time. Maybe bonding with your kids will help her understand and have motherly love.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    I only acknowledge their existences when my schedule is disrupted. Like recently, he used half a day of my time to pick up his son from the airport. He planned to come back after lunch, which I refused. My logic is, he has used half a day of my time, he might as well just stay put where he is and spend time on her side of the fence. I even told him that that day does not need to be replaced. He was not happy but he understood my logic and where I am coming from. Meaning, do bot use half of my day and try and come back afterwards. I do not want it.
    In fact last week he also got Monday on my schedule to spend it over there. I just willingly gave it as I felt that he had not spent enough time with his daughter.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    Im having internet issues, hence my silence. But really, it is not necessary at all to ‘share’ issues with one wife to another. It only causes tedious amounts of emotional backlash. Im on the same page with Marie and you Ana. Of course the new wife is going to act all foolish, she just got married. Its pretty much a trial and error period for her to learn, grow and hopefully gain maturity. The counting of minutes is totally absurd, as it gives a glimpse into her petty, childish attitude. But, bear in mind too she just got married. It is of course hard on her too. I too pretend that hubbs goes out of town, whereby I do not even try to acknowledge the fact that he has her plus the kids. Its easier for me.

  • Mari2

    January 7, 2015

    Laila
    Your point was spot on about wives not needing any details from the men. I absolutely agree. I’ve already told M that when he marries cousin, he is not to send me any pictures or give me any details. I will probably need to unfriend my SIL’s to avoid photo happiness and that is fine.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You wrote your post to Laila before I wrote mine. Yours was awaiting approval, which, I didn’t know, while I was writing. I didn’t put it in the order it came through as people may miss it, which is why I placed it on top. Insha Allah, I’ll do it from time to time. If on my phone, I miss approving posts too. Somehow I don’t see the posts on my phone, but they appear on the computer. I guess I need to go to the next page on the phone or something.

  • Marie

    January 7, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    @laila, you brought up an interesting point. Why do wives need to know details about the other? Fact of the matter is she doesn’t NEED to know but from what I read on the blog and elsewhere, wives, especially those who married first WANT to know, I think she (the wife) is awaiting a change, she doesn’t know what the change is but believes that the more her husband tells the more ‘ready’ she will be when whatever it is happens, whether that is a baby or other, she believes it will affect her. Most women don’t feel ready for polygamy when it happens. But they try to be ready for whatever else comes their way.
    Also I think that when a man is monogamous he shares a lot more of his life with his wife, they are both used to this, couples don’t tend to keep secrets from each other, the relationship is honest and each one tends to know how the other is feeling or at least can ask. When a man is polygamous, this changes, they can no longer share all about their lives (or at least the husband can’t) it’s difficult for both of them. A woman who married first needs to be strong enough to tell her husband to stop sharing details about his other marriage, this can be very hard, because she wants to know, even though it’s not good for any of them.
    When he (the husband) stops sharing info, he becomes lonely, the first wife becomes lonely and feels left out. It’s difficult for them. But once that happens and they both pour out their problems and emotions to Allah, instead of each other things get better, much better.

    Well those r my thoughts anyway.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2015

    Mrembo, hello there,

    It sounds like your husband’s mistress got a reality check when you reached out to her. Apparently she was doing good as long as you didn’t like the relationship she was having with your husband and you were unhappy. I think she got to thinking about you and your husband’s relationship and that it was stronger than she thought. By you contacting her, you became real. By you considering you all come together as a family made it more real. It changed everything for her. She probably didn’t feel comfortable with it.

    She most likely acted in a negative way towards your husband after you reached out to her. She may have spoken to him about ending their relationship. It is why your husband appeared to you sad and depressed. Those are my thoughts about the matter.

    When I first began the blog just about six years ago, there was a commentator here who said he had fallen in love with someone on the internet. His wife couldn’t handle the situation. She eventually came around and thought the three of them could become a family. He spoke to the woman online whom he loved about it. He wanted them all to get together and meet. She immediately ended the relationship with him. Things change when the variables change.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone 🙂

    @Dear Laila,

    You said think about it. 🙂 I have and had. I don’t think wives need to know what goes on with the other wives unless they all live together or it’s something that has an effect on the children. Scheduling, as you stated is a reason to know. Other than it, if the husband is having issues with the other wife/wives he needs to deal with it himself without involving the unproblematic wife. Involving the unproblematic wife unnecessarily only creates more problems.

    It’s not unusual that when a wife hears from her husband about the problems he’s having with the other wife, she feels good about it. Her lower self (naf) gets happy. She may pretend to be concerned and caring all the while being glad. The husband has just fed the evil bad wolf (the lower self -naf) of the unproblematic wife. She then begins to fall asleep, thinking there is a chance the husband will divorce the problematic wife. He may have contemplated divorce, but 9 times out of 10, he doesn’t and won’t do it. She begins to drawer nearer to the husband. Then the wife gets sad and upset with him and herself when she realizes nothing different will happen. She had let her guard down and now must make herself strong again, and not focus so much on her husband. It could become a roller coaster ride, if the husband selfishly unloads on the wife, bending her ear with his baggage.

    Men could be just as guilty as women at keeping drama going. It’s not good. Some say a husband is their best friend and he should be able to speak with her about anything. Oh, well. I wouldn’t have mine coming to me with it. Keep that crap to himself or tell someone else. I wouldn’t want to hear it.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2015

    I think when a husband provides information which is not needed to any wife then chaos starts, seriously think about it. Why must we care about the other wife other than when it comes to major situations like schedule etc. Why must your husband tell you about your co’s baby plans Ina? Is it necessary?

  • coco

    January 7, 2015

    Shabanah
    You go girl! You know I failed to realise that I was giving you my way of dealing with people who are negative I just naturally get a cold exterior not giving anyone place to enter but everyone is not the same and damn straight you don’t need to change who you are for a person filled with animosity and hatred. The funny thing is that I bet your second co didn’t mind entering into polygany when she was the second but here comes a third and she starts acting up! I’m sure she must have been cray cray towards the first before you came in the picture. You hold on to that ball love! You’ve come out of a distressful situation strong mashAllah you should be proud of yourself Lots of love to you ❤️ xo

  • Shabanah

    January 7, 2015

    Coco I understand what you mean about being cold in their presence. Its not me and im not going to give anyone the power to change who I am due to their hatred and animosity. The beginning stages my sec co used to instigate and lots of other things. Everytime she walked in the kitchen or any room I was in my entire mood would change i literally would go from happy on a level of 20 to pissed the h e double hockey sticks off and it only affected me. The ball is in my court and she aint gettn it

  • Shabanah

    January 7, 2015

    Mrembo, I know you love your husband tremendously and even more as he’s the father of your kids and thats naturally okay but love is a 2 way street. He has disrespected you for years by carrying out an affair with some tramp slut whore low life Bi@tch and now he wants to wife this chic. You shouldn’t accept that under no circumstances. You think he’d still be with you if the tables were turned dont belittle yourself. You’re an honorable woman who deserves more. Be an example for your kids bc your hubby sure isin’t. The nerve of him to even suggest a 3some to satisfy his animal desires. If he loves u and his kids boy does he have a funny way of showing it.Even if those two do marry i doubt it’ll last. Nothing with the foundation they created lasts long. And once their relationship crumbles you’re sex crazed hubby will realize what he had and how rare and special you and his children are and always were, it’ll be too late. Let that pitiful guy drown he’s your past. You probably needed him to get u from point a to point b now go get your prince charming someone who will have eyes for you and only you, even if your prince charming decides to marry again, inshaAllah (God willing) he’ll respect you enough to go about it the right way.

  • Mrembo

    January 6, 2015

    Shabanah – Thankyou 🙂
    My husband told me that he asked this other woman if she could be his “second woman” and she agreed. So I guess they are somewhat engaged. He told me that he asked her this after I had told him that I do want to be in a polygamous marriage. He has made many promises to end the relationship and it never ends. His infidelity has caused a lot of turmoil in our marriage and the entire family (his mother lives with us and his sister in our neighbourhood – that is a whole other issue) as a whole.

    Ana – thank you for your words of wisdom. No my husband is not muslim either. I have told him that I am not willing to engage in a 3some and he reluctantly agreed. I am coming to terms that he wants to have another wife (even though I have been praying that God will change him so he can stop wanting to have another woman. I prayed that God would provide the other woman with a husband to love her). We have been talking and he has been making me feel comfortable with the idea. He said that she would continue staying at her place and I at ours with our kids and he expects her to contribute to the “family” financially and otherwise if he goes on with the second marriage. In the past I have wanted nothing to do with this other woman and I have done my share of letting her know what I think of her by any means I could. So the other day he asked me to call her since I have been doing so well with the notion of having a co-wife to say hi and see how things will go. I did, she did not answer so I left her a msg, she has not called back and my husband says that she has not called him the last few days. Well today he looks quite depressed and does not want to talk much. I have let him be. I asked him if he will call her he said no and I have left it at that.

    We have talked about separating (have separated in the past and did not go well as I asked him to leave the hse). There are times I feel I cannot take it anymore and want out to start a fresh. Unfortunately my family is back home so the only place to run to is to in this part of the world is to rent a place for me and my kids which would be my last resort. My heart aches when I think about sharing my husband with another woman. I pray and hope that he will not. If he does and I am not comfortable then I will make the decision whether to stay or leave.

    Sorry this is so long…

  • Marie

    January 6, 2015

    asalamu alaykum all,

    oh dear, iv missed so much and haven’t read all of the comments yet, Insha’Allah, ill read them all tonight.

    hey coco, im still here just soooo busy with work. ill admit im struggling. I have 13 audits to do and iv only done 3, the deadline is friday so I think its safe to say I will not be meeting that deadline. as long as I make through without vomiting on a client ill be fine isha’allah.

    ina, I remember when hubz first got re married and I could tell they was having some teething problems, I used to sit there laughing to myself (with popcorn) thinking, I told him not to marry that woman. then when they sorted things (or appeared to) I got upset, I didn’t want them to have a happy marriage. I soon stopped focusing on them altogether, I didntant to know anything about their marriage.
    I don’t think any human can act crazy constantly for long periods of time, soon she will have to accept her situation and let your husband do his thing (in terms of dividing time, phone calls ect) also, I don’t think you are a push over or a weak female, which tells me your husband is man enough to deal with a mature woman, I doubt he will allow himself to be bullied for much longer. he may have the same plan as my hubz to “wait until it all calms down” until he realises he the one who needs to calm it down, it don’t happen by itself.

    shabanah, like you and ana i don’t like anyone to throw what they (think) they have done for me back in my face. now, if/when it happends i simply tell the person “you, did nothing, Allah gave me or helped me” funny thing is they didn’t even get a good deed, look whos laughing now. once before my husband married my now co, she sent a gift with “2nd family” written on it. it took it that she wanted to point out that we (me and my children)were 2nd in the picture. I didn’t get mad
    bcause if that was her intention (to upset me) then she gained nothing for it. I however gained a tin of chocolates, which me, hubz and the kids sat and ate while watching cartoons. more fool to her.

    im going to try to read the rest of the comments and ill post again Insha’Allah

    Remember allah often, and love to you all.

  • coco

    January 6, 2015

    Assalaamualiekum and hello to all the lovely sisters!

    Ana
    I also thought coco puff is wayyyyy cute! LOVE it! hehe I’ve been in despair for the past few days which tends to be very very rare lol shukar Alhumdulilah I’ve stated on the blog before that when I’m on my period I feel very down maybe me being on my P’s is correlated with my anxiety. I’ve been having a few anxiety attacks associated with headaches so been pretty much sleeping for three days. I usually wouldn’t mention this as it happens along with vertigo at times too when I have a lot happening on the business and personal front so I’m quite used to it, yet the point of sharing this is because I’ve discerned how much of a gift offering salat is to us. I came to a deep realisation that was the cure to keeping me sane and focused, that was my anti-depressant that’s where I found solace and now that I’m unable to its what has me drowned hopeless. I’ve been doing tasbeeh but I can’t get rid of the discomfort in the pit of my chest. I wanted to make a point of this in case there are silent readers out there who haven’t discovered that salat is an antidote for all despair, pain and sorrow. For everyone out there that is feeling blue today, tomorrow is a beautiful new day, a new beginning so don’t fret for tomorrow the sun is bound to come out! May Allah alleviate the ache in all of our hearts Ameen xo

    Ina
    She’s trying to play a huge mindfu@k with you and she’s got some heavy scheming going on. Yes the way she sounded before marriage as though she’s this huge sex addict and just wouldn’t be able to get enough of it and now BOOM! She wants a baby! I really think these are decisions being made in insecurity as she isn’t lucid enough to realise she’s setting herself up for something she won’t be able to handle especially with the PHD laying ahead of her. She sure is competing and trying to level with you by having a baby as she feels you have the upper hand and leverage in this polyganous set up although I think any latter wife as Shabanah would feel naturally yet your adult co knew what she was signing up for. I can see why she’d feel insecure not having kids but I can’t see how tormenting you would make her feel any better I can’t find any reason to give her leeway for the malicious emails she’s sent you especially the recent one which only proves the “mystery boy” is her! How would “he” know she will get pregnant first month lol I can’t feel that bad for her I would if I felt like she walked in with positive clean intentions but she hasn’t since she’s been in the picture. The emails were just so cruel I can’t even imagine the ache you felt constantly just thinking about them, her words over and over and over again and let’s not forget the explicit pictures! She reckons you use your kids as an excuse to have him around you for a FEW extra imaginary minutes that she can’t have so has a plan lol The kids are not an excuse but a responsibility, so this is another game hmmmm lemme have a baby that I can pawn to have more time and equality as a wife. That’s just not the right way to function in such a setup. Ina I don’t think it’s strange she changed her mind if she took you from heart as a co-wife it would be strange but when she’s taking you as competition the drive will never end till she feels above you. She may never feel that euphoria as she may realise she can’t catch up with the history you hold with him. If your husband has any common sense left he would NOT have a baby with her till she’s stable because a cray cray momma will raise a cray cray baby! lol May Allah give you the patience you need to deal with her sister! xo

    Gail
    Thanks for your good wishes I hope so too inshAllah. Btw the wifey is pregnant mashAllah I hope she has a healthy beautiful baby that brings lots of blessings inshAllah. I’m very happy for them I really am but at the same time I’m a little upset with myself. I wish me marrying this man wouldn’t cause her immense sorrow. I don’t want the thought of her grieving through out her pregnancy or being gifted with a co-wife upon having a child so another dose of patience for me yet again. On a lighter note and very necessary to mention your “pu$$y whip” has me rotfl that made me LAUGH ! I love how you get your points across with the pun intended it’s a gift my love *giggles* xo

    Shabanah
    I know what you mean that it’s hard to keep a distance with your second co and daughter but you may need to be cold not saying disrespectful or cutting her off. I’ve noticed keeping a cold demeanour and not interacting unnecessarily with people who hold ill will for you gets them intimidated and uncomfortable. You need to mould yourself so that they think twice before messing with you. I somehow agree with you not wanting to take favours from your co’s for babysitting cuz yes people don’t let you forget it if they ever do even the tiniest thing for you. But maybe once a week one co-wife can have a date night with the hubby while one co-wife can go to a salon to get some pampering (something like mani/pedi/massage) and the other co-wife can do something with all the kids like bake chocolate chip cookies, cupcakes or make truffles then watch a movie or play a game like charades or something I reckon it would be super fun! So each wife gets a date night every third week, gets pampered which is very necessary to de-stress I reckon polyganous marriages are way more taxing lol I bet a massage would get a whole new meaning, and finally get to bond with the kids once every three weeks. I think children fill the void we all have in our hearts they bear no malice no ugliness in their innocent little hearts that can be filled with love for a co-mom through chocolates hehehe I agree you are an asset here in the blog there are very few here who look at the other side of the coin, it is true regardless of all the factors Ina’s co is feeling insecure and it is very human and natural. I know for a second there I felt sad for myself that this was how I imagined my life with my intended being married and having kids and here he is having it with my future co yet he’s not even my husband so that feeling must be multiplied when one is a wife, she is feeling incomplete compared to Ina. But she has to take that negative energy and turn it into positive if she wants any peace whatsoever. We all have to reprogram ourself with all obstacles that come our way. When my intended got married I could have foolishly hated on the wife just for being married to him but one has to be logical and think WHO is to blame she’s innocent here she’s done no harm to anyone my intended did the harm. I remember crying every night at the thought of him even touching her with the tip of his finger but I had to remind myself that she was in his nikkah he was permitted to touch her anywhere however many times he pleased to in the eyes of Allah and dunya he had all the right to. I had to pick myself up and realise If I chose to still marry this man I needed to wear my big girl panties and be able to take the bitter with the sweet as Gail’s grandma would say! Not just the sweet like most people want. Pain beautifies and cleanses our souls. I’m just surprised why Ina’s co isn’t aching about her husband being intimate with his first wife rather than Ina mothering kids with him. To me the thought of the husband having sex with another wife is harder to bear than an actual child being in the picture, a child is just an expected result of the act. Anyways I love hearing from your perspective as Laila was the main one I could learn from who was not from a first wife’s perspective and now I have gorgeous you. I couldn’t be more blessed my love! xo

    ummof4
    Being completed with the outline must be a huge relief good luck with the rest of the writing sister. I LOVE your point of how easy technology has made it to cause another distress I bet polygany in the 1980s was wayyyyyyyyyy better compared to nowadays lol Shaking my head! xo

    Ruqayyah
    I remember you posting in the older blog, It’s really nice to hear you’re in a good place sister May Allah keep you blessed and spirited! xo

    Well sorry for yet another long post lol please do keep me in your duas sisters much love to all and until next time… ❤️

    “Don’t despair if your heart has been through a lot of trauma. Sometimes that’s how beautiful hearts are remade: they are shattered first.”
    Yasmin Mogahed

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all my good friends out there 🙂

    Shabanah,

    I know exactly what you mean about not asking people to do favors for you. I’m like it. My older sister (none of my biological family are Muslim) used to always do it – throw what she’s done for other up in their faces or tell other people that she did such and such for another and the other didn’t reciprocate. I’d tell her no to what she’d ask me to do and the first thing I’d get was that she did such and such for me. It’s why I don’t want anyone who is like that doing anything for me. I’m surprised your co s do it or maybe I read it wrong and you suspect they will do it. We should do things seeking our reward from Allah and not from anyone else. If we expect something in return from the person who we’ve done something for then what we did was not done to seek the good pleasure of Allah. Allah tells us in the Quran about charity followed up by reminders. When we remind people of the good we’ve done for them it cancels out the charity. Perhaps you could bring it to their attention, the next time they throw their supposed good deeds up in your face.

    @Ruqyyah,

    I liked the analogy you gave of team work. It was a very good one.

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2015

    Some men like cat fights (fights between women over them). It’s makes them feel important. It boost their egos and makes them feel that they’ve got it going on. Although it makes them feel good, they have to curb their desires. They hurt themselves and the women when they encourage bad behavior. We should compete for righteousness and nothing else. We need our husbands to encourage us that way. Honor belongs to Allah.

    Well, I think I’m going to retire to the boudoir. It’s almost 3:00 a.m. where I am. I’ll be back, Insha Allah, to approve comments around Fajr time.

    Love to all my lovely sister here at the 411. You all are the best! {{{hugs}}} XXOO

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    You told him darn straight. There is no need to compete. What’s going to be is going to be. There is no need to make a fool of yourself.

    Just surrender your will to Allah. We shall not will accept as Allah wills. He has determined how everything will be. When you surrender to Allah’s will, all goes well for you. It’s when you become content in your life and at peace. You don’t care about what happens as you know Allah has got it and things will be good for you. All that happens to us is supposed to make us stronger and better in our faith and take us nearer to Allah. Just go with it…

  • Ruqayyah

    January 6, 2015

    Ana I do feel my husband finds my jealousy cute and I HATE it . its not cute to feel jealous. He made a stupid comment about me needing to pick it up since there would be competition for me in the future. He apologised when he realised how cruel and insensitive that stupid comment was. I let him know I don’t compete for any man. If he loves me good, if not then we can part. I love him as I do because I’m me, not to try to upstage the next girl out there

  • Ruqayyah

    January 6, 2015

    Wasn’t so short after all lol

  • Ruqayyah

    January 6, 2015

    Shabanah I see how it’s a bit confusing although we aren’t in polygamy yet I spend a lot of mornings alone due to his working schedule. Sorry gotta be short as I’m on my ipad.

    Ana, Gail I did fight tooth and nail for the longest time. He even promised not to do it but we both knew he wanted it so promises didn’t make me feel any good just made me feel like a monster for controlling him. I feel like I’m just making it harder on myself. I don’t want it,but I can do it and it can be great if Allah wills. Better to accept it and help shape our family than fight and not get the chance to gain a friend. I’m doing well, I think, I still lash out but I think I’m going to get there. How are you?

  • Gail

    January 6, 2015

    Shabanah,
    I use online programs for my kids.Time4learning it cost 20 bucks a month and Brainpop it is like 10 i think per month.If u can afford it I would for certain sign your kid up.It is way awesome and I have used both programs for years and can’t say enough nice things about them.I even used the online programs when we are in Pakistan.I wonder how long they r going to close the schools any idea?My nieces and nephews are in the same boat.They live in ISB and Pindi and lahore.

  • Gail

    January 6, 2015

    Shabanah,
    I see it different I would not hesitate for a NEW YORK second to ask my cowives to watch the kids and u offer to watch theirs as well as long as u r very sure they won’t kill them then hey take advantage.In the future if they bring it up tell them Thank you for helping u.I guess I am pretty easy going.I do get upset and it takes time for me to chill out but I normally do chill and come around.I am learning as I get older not to worry so much about the future.Even if your cowives toss it up that they helped u then so what they can’t eat u so not a big deal as I see it.Get the help if they r willing.It’s not like u r asking all the time.I really do think if u really feel u can’t ask the other wives for help u should take full advantage of the nanny when it comes to getting your groove on with hubby.lol

  • Gail

    January 6, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    How r u long time no see!! I am happy to know u r starting to accept.I love what u said about feeling included.Stay like that u seem to be on the right path.Hugs

  • Shabanah

    January 6, 2015

    Lol ruqayya I thought you were new here but after reading anas post i see you have been around the block once or twice.

  • Shabanah

    January 6, 2015

    Wa alaikum salaam ruqayyah and welcome. Im a bit confused at your post. First I understood your husband is embarking on polygamy he’s presently in monogomy then you said it doesn’t mean you dont wake up with pain in ur chest when u reach for him and he isint there. A bit confused there. You’re very wise though to be so young. You would actually accept it. I dont know how crazy I’ll go if my hubby gets a 4th. Someone may have to check me into a mental facility. I barely made it thru the stage of being excepted and accepting is 10 times more difficult.

    Also i dont know how to really explain my situation. Date nights sounds romantic But my co’s are not going to watch my kids. Not in a million years and i dont ask favors bc every favor directly goes to the “i did this for you” record list to be used in any upcoming disagreements we may approach in the future and nothing irritates me more then being reminded of favors. We should do generous deeds to earn the pleasure and nearness to Allah alone.

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2015

    Ruqayyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    It’s so good to hear from you. I thought you had abandoned us. You know I could be a little rough on people some times. Wow, you are doing sooooooo amazingly good. You have come a long, long ways. You fought with teeth and nails for the longest. You have really matured and grown tremendously. It’s truly amazing.

    You did good girl. No pun intended – get it? Girl LOL You make us proud.

  • Ruqayyah

    January 6, 2015

    salamualaikum,
    Sometimes I laugh when I see you guys call Ina’s co a little girl, I am much younger than her and have been married for 2 years now 😛 I’ve been crazy before so can understand but could never imagine letting my crazy effect his family, that is just unfair when you decided to marry him (she could have easily walked away before getting married if she couldn’t handle his other family) Anywho it doesn’t matter. The situation is what it is, Ina I suggest you request your husband keep his mouth closed, and just keep on enjoying the time you have together. I think soon enough he will come to see just how special a wife he had from the beginning 😉

    Shabanah, I remember reading your posts a little while ago now but I have just now gotten the chance to comment. I feel its unfair of your husband to use the ‘we’re a team card’ to get what he wants. A team only works when the coach looks out for EVERYONE involved. That means if one member of the team is not getting enough ‘training’ time then the coach needs to step in and make sure he gives her enough attention. I do suggest you make plans ahead and ask him to stick to it, do you guys do date nights? It may be a fun way to spice up your marriage (and seeing as you have trouble with the child could help you with her). You could approach your husband about a schedule where you get to pick a date night in advance and the other wife looks after the kids doing fun activities. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship so not sure if that is a possibility for you guys.

    Guys, I have moved past the denial stage of polygamy. I’m entering the acceptance stage, although I hate it. I recognise and accept my husband may one day decide to have another woman in his life, I really truly accept it. It doesn’t mean we no longer fight, it doesn’t mean I don’t wake up with a horrible pain in my chest when I reach for him and he isn’t there. But it does mean that I’m taking a little more time in sujood, it does mean that I’m asking my Lord for strength, it does mean I’m seeing my husband in a new light and recognising that while he can help me and be kind to me, I got to fight this alone, and I, with the help of my Lord, can create my happiness even though I would never have chosen this situation. I’ve even reached a point where we can discuss the pro’s and con’s of polygamy, and I can one day see myself accepting it because I wish I had a bond with another sister. That is our dream, he will marry again when we find a sister who will share our family and love our kids, I don’t know how workable it is, but its nice to feel included, at least for now 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 5, 2015

    Ana, no problem. Im glad I was an inspiration today 🙂 I can understand what Inas co may be going through. It’s tough. When I first married, my second co used to make it clear that she is the mother of two of our husbands kids even though I knew this she rubbed it in my face making me feel disposable like i didnt have anything connecting to our husband except marriage. I couldn’t speak urdu then and she would always say something in urdu to her 4 year old daughter then immediately after her 4 yr old would ask me if i had kids and i would say no and she would ask y. She asked me if i had children only in her mothers presence which is strange. Did she really want me to explain to her daughter the process of how to get pregnant and have kids or was it a reminder that she had something that I didnt. Allah knows best.

    Ummof4 I wish you nothing but success on your book. Im with mari2, I would very much love to read it. I look forward to it.

    Have a blessed and prosperous week ahead all of you beautiful creations of the Almighty.

  • Mari2

    January 5, 2015

    Ummof4,
    Back in my “day” (1986) we had no cell phones or internet, or social media. We had only face to face contact or a home phone the receiver of which was attached to the wall with a 6 feet long cord. Life was both simpler and more difficult with respect to meeting new people. I think it is awesome that both you and Gail hope to write your stories. I for one would love to read about your experiences.

  • ummof4

    January 5, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    In relation to my book, I have the outline completed and will probably begin writing the introduction soon, In shaa’Allah. One component that I have to add is the effect of newer technology. The newer technology makes it easier for women and men to meet and develop romantic feelings and relationships. The newer technology makes it easier and quicker for women who act crazy to express their craziness. Back in the day when I first was in a polygynous marriage (in the 1980’s) there were very few personal computers, and no cell phones and laptop computers. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other social media were not even thought of. People still acted crazy, but most craziness was face to face. Now people can hide behind the technology and never have to meet a person face to cause mental distress. The stories on this blog are helping me tremendously. Shukran to everyone.

    Ina, Gail said what I was getting ready to say; it sounds like your husband is p_s_y whipped. Especially since he and his new wife performed sexual acts before marriage. I agree with the other sisters, just sit back and enjoy the show. However, I suggest that you ask your husband to give you fewer details about what his new wife says, especially when she asks for a divorce. It’s enough for you two to make sure your own marriage is stable; you can’t worry about his marriage with his other wife.

    Shabanah, you truly are an asset to this blog. You add a perspective that is much needed. I am glad that you were able to overcome your emotions and concentrate on what is important in life – ebaadah Allah (worship and obedience to Allah). Keep up the good work.

    Ladies, we need to stop referring to Ina’s husband’s second wife as a little girl. She is a 25 year old woman, even thought she may be emotionally immature. My husband’s former wife was half our age, but I never referred to her as a little girl, she was a grown woman, although younger than some of our children. Shabanah is much younger than her husband and her husband’s other wives, but she is a grown woman. We don’t have to like what people do, but let’s call a spade a spade, even if it is acting like a spoiled brat.

    Spirited, I’ve been meaning to tell you that I’m happy that your husband seems to facing reality more and more as time goes by. Sometimes, we just have to be patient and let Allah handle things.

    Everyone have a pleasant day, evening, or night. I love you all for the sake of Allah. Allahu Akbar!

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2015

    @Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sunshine, by you taking the time to explain your thoughts about Ina’s co and relating to us some of what you’ve experienced in joining an existing family you have been more helpful than you probably realize. Thank you much for opening up and speaking to us about it in depth. I began to write a comment, but then thought I should write a post instead. The topic warrants a post.

    Again, Shabanah, thank you for sharing and shedding light on the matter. You’ve been very helpful.

  • Shabanah

    January 5, 2015

    Dearest Ana, I have two connecting bedrooms of my own, A laundry room and bathroom, first co has two connecting rooms a walk in closet and bathroom and second co has two bedrooms bathroom and her own kitchen which is funny being as though she never cooks. But my husband did say i am welcome to use that kitchen whenever but I’d rather not. There’s a kitchen downstairs for all. We all share living rooms, prayer rooms, the house is huge enough for my hubby n sec co not to witness the young pupil being slick.

    Also, I admit loud and clear Ina’s co is a confirmed lunatic. There’s no right in her wrongs but sometimes you have to sit back and analyze what makes a person crazy. What makes ppl like inas co do what she does. Yes she might have thought she could handle polygamy but is now realizing she is in over her head, yes maybe she never wanted it but she’s not here to tell us that. The way she is acting is not perfect but its human. The thought of your husband alone having sexual relations with another woman can drive any woman with feelings nuts and Ina mothered his kids. I’ve been there and it strengthened me and made me the woman i am today. I said and did things (not as crazy as inas co)I regret today. In the moment you really dont know how to react sometimes the answers arent there and sometimes they are but you’re somehow blinded and cant see them. Everything is not black and white. At the same time I feel for Ina. Her hubs need to step up and be a man. I think that’ll solve a lot of problems.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2015

    Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I know what you mean about Ina’s Co being young and new to polygamy, and needs time to adjust. I just don’t see it happening for her unless her husband tries to give her some direction and guidance. He just caters to her and feeds her lower self (naf). He’s only makes matters worse by dancing to her beat all the time, trying to erase Ina for her.

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    She’s still posing as “the boy”? She’s got serious issues. She married a married man. How did she think it would be? I could understand you going coo coo, not her. You didn’t sign up for polygamy. It was put upon you. I could understand you having some problems coping. I can’t be that sympathetic for her.

    I would understand better if she were to admit she never wanted a polygamous marriage, felt compelled to do it, and is trying to cope, but I suppose she is not mature and learned about Islam enough to do it.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2015

    Gail

    You have me dying of laughter over here. You are too funny.

    Probably most women who marry married men think the husbands will fall head over hills in love with them and just leave their other families. They think try can put it on them as Ja Rule said and it’s all it takes. They are usually sadly mistaken. Ina’s Co is driving herself crazy.

    Shabanah,

    Let’s see if time will heal Ina Co’s problem before she goes cray cray zzzz

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2015

    Shabanah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m not sure how your set up is. I thought you three wives had your own living quarters in one house like a three family house. Based on what you just said it sounds you only have separate bedrooms but share living areas such as kitchen and living room. Does your husbands sleep predominantly with the second wife? It’s what I surmised from your past posts. If you are all together in the home, how does the second and your husband not see the 11 year old disrespecting you?

  • Shabanah

    January 5, 2015

    Coco, its nearly impossible to keep my distance from those two as we live in the same house

  • Shabanah

    January 5, 2015

    Gail baby I dont know how you do it Girl. Homeschooling your children that is. I lose my patience after a half hour. Due to the recent massacre at one of the schools here, the government has closed every school in the country until further notice so I’ve been homeschooling my oldest. Its not an easy task at all.
    And no my husband never set any rules he basically lets us raise them our way as long as we’re not leading them astray. They have to get in the habit of making their salaats (prayers) by age 7 and regularly by age 8. Start learning how to read and understand the Holy Quran from a young age.

    Ina, this is your co’s first marriage and first year in a polygamous marriage the most difficult year I think. She is acting coo coo crazy but maybe she’s trying to find her footing. Let’s wait it out. The first year changes everything including maturity growth, experience and perspective

    Coco love you’re so silly. I’ve missed you. You sure do have quite a load on your plate take it easy.

    As salaamu alaikum Ana Dearest 🙂

  • Gail

    January 5, 2015

    Ina,
    If u think he will not listen right now because his marriage is new then yeah just get the popcorn and sit back and watch the show.Her being 25 she is just being bratty of u ask me and he should get tired of it eventually.I agree with I wouldn’t put up with her crap for 5 seconds when it comes to u and your kids.I do think she didn’t have the first clue about polygamy when she married and it sure sounds like she hates polygamy.My guess is with her being 25 she thinks her $hit don’t stink and she is in the process of trying to Pu$$y whip your husband(sorry for being so crude but thats the way it sure is coming across what do u think?) Men are so silly because they don’t understand being whipped.They are to busy trying to please the woman that is trying to get the upper hand.Some men are fine to let their wives rule the roost and other men are not.Lets see what type your hubby is with his new wify.lol

  • Ina

    January 4, 2015

    Ana, I can imagine the look on hubby’s face if I advise him to take the oath of abstention. LOL, he definitely will not take it at impartial advice! I would love to be a spider on the ceiling if he ever told co-wife he will abstain from sexual relations with her for 4 months (LMAO!).

  • Ina

    January 4, 2015

    Gail, it sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your kids, especially home-schooling them too! I lose my patience just trying to get my kids to do a few hours of homework each week! My youngest one who is 4 now would often tell me not to shout, in the cutest voice too. Just melts my heart.

  • Ina

    January 4, 2015

    @shabanah, my c-owife is 25 yrs old. Young but not that young and definitely old enough to have more sense. I think she is the youngest child in her family and may have been a little spoiled. She is certainly acting like a spoilt brat, crying and stamping her feet whenever she does not get her way.

  • Ina

    January 4, 2015

    Gail, I told hubby that she is just calling his bluff on the divorce so he should play along and maybe she will stop saying it. They have been married 2 months and she must have ask for divorce at least 4 times. She married a married man so I really don’t know what she was expecting to happen. Did she think that once they were married, he’d be so in love with her that he’d forget his family and his responsibilities? She wants to be in this fantasy world where I don’t exist, my sons don’t exist and she is trying to make hubby forget about us whenever he is with her. I told hubby 2 things when I realised her jealous nature; one, I know what polygamy means but I don’t think she does and two, he needs to man up and not take any crap from any wife. He needs to be the one in control otherwise it will be a nightmare for him. I think any advice I give is seen as biased so he may not consider it as good advice.

    Hubby at the moment is running round trying to obey every demand. He thinks this is the way to keep the peace with the wives but his will only fuel further demands. I told him he can put up with her crap if he wants but I am not putting with any demand that will affect me or the children. How much can he take? How much can I take? We shall see.

    Coco, I said the exact same thing to hubby about having my popcorn ready to watch the show over the next 12 months. Another thing I was told early on in their marriage was that she wants to have a baby. This surprised me because I had the impression she wanted to enjoy married life without children for a while first. The boy informed me that she may be pregnant after 1 month of marriage. I think her motives are mainly to hurt/compete with me. I told her that her getting pregnant does not bother me. In fact, I look forward to seeing how she copes with a baby, a PHD, a part-time husband and no family nearby to help. Now hubby says she does not want a baby yet. Strange is it how she changed her mind?

  • Gail

    January 4, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree with u about Ina’s husband and he needs to cut of his second wife sexually for a while so she can get a reality check real fast.The sooner the better if u ask me.

    Shabanah,
    Just stay strong girl.Kids will be kids but be firm with her when she acts up and don’t take any lip.I am curious did your husband say anything to u about all the kids being raised a certain way when u married since all the kids live under the same roof or do u and second wife just do your own thing and hubby really doesn’t have much to do with how u raise the kids?I am curious.When Hubby and I got married we decided day one all kids would be raised together with one set of rules that apply for all.

  • Gail

    January 4, 2015

    Coco,
    I am happy u like the way I am raising my kids it means alot.I love homeschooling them and them not being indoctrinated by the state.My kids follow all the state guidelines so they r not behind but instead are actually ahead in grades.I won’t lie it is very hard work but now that they r older I don’t have to do alot of one on one stuff they pretty much are self sufficient which is great.I hope u have a great relationship with all your children as well.I have never seen our kids as anything other than our kids(mine,excowife and hubby) My excowife made the difference and to this day I don’t understand why but I don’t dwell on it anymore as it is not mentally healthy for me.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2015

    @Shabanah,

    I knew you meant a girl trapped in a woman’s body. We all get our words twisted up from time to time, but we most of the time know what the person meant 🙂

    @Gail,

    I’m with you that Ina’s husband needs to put his foot down when it comes to Ina’s co. These men are so whimpy at times. They need to man up and put their families in check. As you stated, he needs to let the girl know that both she and Ina are his wives and he could call them each anytime he gets good and darn ready to and neither should have anything to say about it. He’s running about trying to oblige her, which is doing none of them any good. She wants to act as though Ina doesn’t exist. Well, Hello, Ina does exist. Ina is wifey, so the girl needs to get in touch with reality.

    I believe some men think it’s cute when the wives begin acting all possessive and jealous as it makes the men feel like “big daddy”. Even Mohammed Musa said it’s alright for the wives to be a little bit jealous. It made my blood begin to boil when he said it. Jealousy is sinful and ugly. All of it is. Ina’s husband is only feeding the bad wolf when he lets the new addition to the family (wife) get away with continuing to act in a childish, jealous, crazy manner. It’s not doing his marriage to her or to Ina any good. Its hurting the girl, Ina and him.

    If Ina’s husband were to tell the girl, the next time she says she wants a divorce, he would take the oath of abstention as is permitted (it’s in the Holy Quran – he has no relations with her for four months and then decides to divorce or not) the girl would probably straighten up and fly right.

  • coco

    January 4, 2015

    Heyyyyy shabanah waaaa naaaa naaaa!!!!!!! ☺️ hehehe yes Alhumdullilah everything is going well on my end just chaotic from the business front but I’m good love ❤️

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to Everyone,

    Hey there, coco puff 🙂 I love the cute little name Shabanah gave you. The fashionista collection and all the work you’re doing sounds exciting. I like the quote from Rumi that you shared with us: “If you want courage, stop focusing on the barrier and the challenge. You will gain hope and courage when you stop looking at the Red Sea, and look instead at the One who can split it in half!
    Rumi”

    It’s easy for us to focus on a situation, obstacles and problems. If we could only keep our focus on Allah at all times we’d be in good shape.

    @Shabanah,

    I agree with Gail that you need to bring to your husband and the second wife’s attention what the 11 year old does. The next time the 11 year old gets out of control and disrespects you, let your husband and his other know immediately. Let them know what she does has been ongoing, as well. Explain to them that (as Gail stated) the 11 year old’s behavior is bound to rub off on your children when they see her behave towards you the way she does. You don’t know how she treats your children when you are not there to witness them all together. I hope she doesn’t mistreat them.

    Although not much may come from you telling them, as the second is the favorite wife, at least you will have brought it to your husband and her attention. As we know, people aren’t mind readers. If you don’t tell them they may not know or they have an excuse to pretend they don’t know. Once you bring it to their attention, they can’t use not knowing as an excuse. People respect those who stand up for themselves and what is right.

    I’d do as Ina said, as well, be firm. As coco puff said, keep a distance from the 11 year old and her mother. They are bad news. No one is saying to be mean and spiteful to the child. Continue to give her the salaams and be kind and deal justly with her when you must deal with her. Other than it, deal with the child and her mother with a long stick. Don’t play with the 11 year old. My mom used to always tell us, “If you play with a dog, it will lick you in the face.” I’m not comparing the child with a dog; I don’t want anyone out there to get it twisted. It simply means sometimes you have to put people in their places to let them know you are not one to be played with or it could get nasty. The girl thinks her sh!t doesn’t stink, so she could disrespect you. Bull crap, don’t let it happen. Put your foot down and, Insha Allah, one day she will have the utmost respect for you.

  • Shabanah

    January 4, 2015

    Heyyy coco babyyy. I miss hearing from you. I pray all is well with ya

  • Shabanah

    January 4, 2015

    I meant trapped in a little girls body

  • coco

    January 4, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a BIG Hello to the muy caliente sisterasssssss ☺️

    I’ve been pretty tied up with our craftsmen and tailors as we are in the crucial stage of the collection and when I’m on my off time I have to work on the business plan that I’ve been very laid back with, we are done with 3 parts 7 more to go so that the rough plan can be handed over to pros to finish off sigh! Anyways been trying to keep up with everyone as much as I can but just found it so hard to write in as I was all over the place! But finally here I am! hehehe

    Ana
    You wrote a remarkable piece! The topic of “Mothers, Sons, and Polygamous Marriages” was MANDATORY to touch especially in light to what’s going on with Mari2. I wish all Pakistani men could read this kudos to you! xo ☺️

    Ina
    Wow and the drama continues… Shaking my head. Your co wife is absolutely BA-NA-NAAAAAS period! It’s time for you get out some popcorn to munch on and watch the finale of this self created shenanigan your husband dawned upon himself and you. I bet deep down in his heart somewhere he wishes he would have never gone through with this decision as he clearly ended up with LOCA! lol But nonetheless yes you keep reminding yourself to be good to him he sure will need you next to him for the back to back “KICK-A$$” session while it lasts. You are doing commendably mashAllah xo ☺️

    Mrembo
    Welcome to the blog! I think the sisters have given some strong insights I hope it’s been helpful for you to attain clarity in regards to your situation. Do stick around! xo ☺️

    Shabanah
    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way love, but what can you expect as Rumi’s saying goes “what is planted in each person’s soul will sprout.” So just feel sorry for the poor upbringing she’s being provided. I’m glad you got an apology but keep a safe distance with her momma and her as I’m sure this isn’t the last of her BRATITUDE you will witness! And where’s that smile gorj? xo ☺️

    Aisha
    It must be a very difficult time for you sister, whatever is written for you and your husband will happen when it’s meant to so until then try to stay patient and hang it there as it’s said pain purifies and brings peace. We are always here for you! xo ☺️

    Gail
    Yes your little munchkins are really something and sound like so much fun to be around. I see your kids making history as well inshAllah. Gail I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I really look up to you in all aspects I’ve witnessed of you. Like how you homeschooled your kids into creative, intelligent and inquisitive beings that credit goes totally to you for the time you invested in them. You raising and accepting all kids from your heart as your own genuinely it’s quite spellbinding. I really aspire to love my and future co-wife’s children as indistinguishably and selflessly as yourself. I thank you for setting such an exemplary standard to emulate! xo ☺️

    ummof4
    How’s the writing coming along for the book you’ve been writing? Hope you’re well and It’s always a pleasure and enlightening to read your posts! xo ☺️

    Marie
    Where you at love? xo ☺️

    MUCH LOVE TO ALL ❤️

  • Shabanah

    January 4, 2015

    Thanks Gail for the great advice. I do need to clear up this ongoing repeated issue before it comes back to bite me in the @$$. I prayed on it and surprisingly the girl apologized. Im hesitant in going to my husband and second co about it as there’s a 90% chance I’ll come out of it causing problems or being petty. Something else swept under the rug. I’ll get over it. Always do.
    Ina your co sounds waay immature. Is she a young girl or just a grown a$$ woman trapped in a womans body. She’s ridiculous. The nerve of her comin in as an addition to the family with her rear on her shoulders

  • Gail

    January 4, 2015

    Aisha,
    Yeah he was feeling u out with his I imagine fake dream.He wanted to see where u stood on the issue as he has known well his entire life he would have to marry his parents choice eventually.That is why he is so vague.My guess is No he don’t want but he is trapped and he knows it.The main thing is just figure out if u want a relationship with your future cowife and if u do see if she wants one also.If u figure out she doesn’t back off is my advice.Also make sure polygamy is what u want.
    I think personally Polygamy is great but only if the wives get along I personally couldn’t do separate because I want all kids raised together.I like Shabanah’s Situation even though she has it tough she is in the same home with her husband where she can see him daily but that is just me.Everyone is different and u will have to figure out what u want and what u will put up with and won’t.Fortunately it is not all about the husband u get alot of say in how u want this all to work.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2015

    Shabanah,

    U have a couple of choices when it comes to the 11 yr old.First off u can go to your husband and explain the situation to him and what u think is going on between the mother and the 11 yr old and u flat don’t want the 11 yr old being brainwashed against u.If u don’t think your husband will do anything or u really don’t think that will work then if it were me if the child smart mouths u I would stop her in her tracks and tell her she must respect u and knock off with the back talk and rolling eyes etc… u will have to get your bluff in on the child is what I am saying.Believe me when I say the child would do me like that one time and she would be picking herself up off the floor and then being marched straight to Daddy.Do not and I mean Do not let that child run over u.U may end up having to confront your second cowife and husband both but u must not let the child get by with it period the end.I accept she is being brainwashed by the mother but for the childs sake u must hold your ground and get this crap stopped because u don’t want this child to become even more of a brat and later on talk bad about u to your own children understand esp since the children live under the same roof.Some things u have tackle head on and disrespectful children and cowife seems to be in this case.I tell u again I would not sweep it under the carpet because it might come back to bite u later on if the child says bad to your child about u.Don’t chance it talk to your husband and second cowife get it resolved.
    Mentally when i have to do hard things I visualize a me standing on the edge of a cliff and I count to 3 and I jump(go and do the hard thing)I am a very HUGE believer in getting everything out in the open and let the chips fall where they may.I hope this helps.
    U would not believe the horrible things my excowife told her children about me.I totally get where u r coming from nip it in the bud woman.lol

  • Gail

    January 3, 2015

    Ina,
    U go girl I agree with what u told your husband.If he doesn’t put a foot in your cowife’s A$$ she is going to mentally control him.This is going know where fast if u ask me.U did good to speak up.She is simply out of control.Why on earth did she marry him knowing she could not deal with polygamy because it is obvious unless he puts his foot down she sure intends to and not in a good way.She is one little controlling little mother sticker.
    Now mind u I don’t think he should really divorce her but he needs to put his foot down to that mess and get it straight with her.She is acting way to bossy if u ask me and she is overstepping her limits.He is also your husband and he should be able to call either one of u anytime he likes.Now granted if he was at your home and on the phone 24/7 with your cowife or vice versa then u can say Hell to NO on that but I really feel she is acting over the top.
    My excowife mother use to say why don’t hubby go to pakistan and leave me in USA.What a heffer.Hello I am the innocent one.

  • Ina

    January 3, 2015

    @ Aisha, your husband sounds like a politican.

    @ Shabanah, the 11 yr old girl is disrespectful towards you because she gets it from her mother. You cannot teach someone else’s daughter how to behave when she sees her own mother doing the same thing. Dont let it get you down. Be nice but firm and pray she will one day see the good in you.

    My MIL grew up in polygamous family and was treated badly. Her father allowed it to happen but she continued to be good to him. He apologised to her a few weeks before he died. Don’t let other people’s bad treatment of you turn you bad. I need to remind myself this too.

  • Ina

    January 3, 2015

    I heard the most ridiculous thing today. Hubby called me from a different phone this evening because she had confiscated his usual phone. Why? Because he called me this morning after his fajr prayers at the mosque. Hubby say he doesnt really understand what the issue is and neither do I. I asked why he let her take his phone anyway. He said she got physically and ask for divorce. Before i could stop myself,i said he should just divorce her. He should not pander to her silly demands otherwise it will only get worse.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2015

    Mrembo, hello there. Happy New Year to you too! 🙂

    I’m glad you’ve found the site and I thank the lovely ladies who have already welcomed you.

    You are really in a jam. It’s not an easy situation to figure out.

    Firstly, I must advise you NOT to have a threesome when and if your husband takes on another wife. It’s not the way to go. I’m assuming the man is Muslim – is he or not? Even, if he weren’t, I’d still advise you not to have a threesome. He should have sexual relations with each of his wives separately and out of the sight of anyone else.

    You knowing that he wants to engage in such activity should let him know that if he were to take on another wife, you want to have your own home in which she does not live. It get’s you away from having to think about obliging him when and if he were to put the pressure on for you to do a threesome. Keep her out of your home, knowing what he intends to have you do with the two of them.

    Some men, especially Muslim men, will tell you that you must obey them. You don’t have to obey anyone who neglects the remembrance of Allah/God. One knows when another is not in remembrance of Allah based on their dialogue and actions.

    Whether you should agree to him becoming polygamous or not, he informed you that he wants to marry this woman with whom he has been having an affair (committing adultery). It would be best for him to marry her than to continue to commit adultery. You don’t have to remain in the marriage, however (although Allah is the Decider of Affairs). You could make your intent to leave the marriage.

    I find the way women learn to cope with a polygamous lifestyle is by following the dictates of Islam and learning to worship and serve Allah, knowing our purpose on this planet. You are not Muslim, so I wouldn’t be able to advise you on any other way of life.

    It may be best for you to pack your bags, pack up your children, and flee to your family, if you have a good relationship with them.

    Under no condition or circumstance listen to his plea for you to accept the marriage to her so that he could get his freak on.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2015

    Shabanah,

    Another person had asked me to do a post on children and polygamy. Insha Allah, I will. I haven’t done so, as I know absolutely nothing about the topic. I wouldn’t begin to know where to begin to write the post. I only know what Allah swt in the Holy Quran says about children. They are to be treated fairly and justly. Orphans are way special. Muslim aren’t supposed to have children by non-Muslim, as the children will be raised to be non-Muslims. It’s pretty much all I know, other than the account of incidents in the Quran that involved children, for instance: Prophet Joseph (PBUH) and sibling rivalry; Prophet Noah (PBUH) and his son who was an unbeliever; Prophet Moses (PBUH) as a baby having been place in a cradle, which was place in the river and he was rear amongst his enemies; Prophet Jesus (PUBH) who spoke when he was a baby et.al. Insha Allah, I’ll come up with something though.

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2015

    Shabanah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Your second co probably was raised in a family in which there were many women who gave birth and raised children to the point it was second nature for her to take care of a baby with ease. Maybe you didn’t come from that type of an environment. I don’t know. If I were to have a baby, I wouldn’t know what the heck to do with it. I’ve not been around anyone with babies since I helped take care of some of my siblings when I was just a kid. I never wanted any parts of babies and kids. I’d probably accidentally kill a kid. So, freak her (your second co).

    Don’t try to prove yourself to anyone,especially someone who totally dislikes you, because you can’t. People are pretty much set in their ways. They have to come to see the errors of their ways on their own. The more you try to get them to accept you, the more they will give you their @$$es to kiss.

    That 11 year old is getting ready to go through puberty soon. She’s a nightmare waiting to happen. Don’t be bothered with her other than to be cordial, kind and just. Don’t try to befriend the little urchin. To Hell with that! Start ignoring the little beast, she may turn around. She may do a 360.

  • Aisha

    January 3, 2015

    Oh and sis Gail believe me when I say I have asked him a million times if he wants polygamy or not and he never gives me a straight answer, he’ll be like (with a rough voice) if it’s written for me it’s written for me, I can’t run from it. And one day we were just having a conversation when he told me he had a dream and in his dream he had two wives(mind you this was like a month or two before he told me about his parents plan to marry him to his cousins) and I replied to him saying jokingly, I also had a dream and in my dream you were dead together with your other mistry wife and we just laughed it off until he dropped the bomb on me

  • Aisha

    January 3, 2015

    Salaam likum beauties
    sis Ina I so wish the wedding was off for good but No my hubby is just prolonging the damn thing, I just want him to get married so I could settle into a new way of life, I just think the sooner the better

    Mrembo a very warm welcome to you dear and yes you are in the right place,so let me get this sstraight your habibi cheated on you, now he wants to marry the mistress and he also expect to have a threesome that is like , how can he expect that of you, I am totally shocked, I mean the nerve of that man

  • anabellah

    January 3, 2015

    Gail,

    I think the reason your ex-co is acting like a horses @$$ is because she got a royal screwing. Everything was taken from her – her husband, her children, her dream of coming to America for a better life, her dignity and self-respect. She was stripped of everything. She has no way to retaliate other than to diss you, your husband and her children. It’s retribution. She doesn’t know that had she been decent about the whole thing, she could be visiting the U.S. and her children. You and your husband could help her out to have a better life with some additional things that would make her life more comfortable.

    About Aisha, I agree with you that her husband may not be feeling polygamy. Not every man wants to be bothered with a polygamous marriage. Once men enter it, they realize it’s more work than it’s worth.

  • Shabanah

    January 3, 2015

    Mrembo
    Happy New Year to you too sis and welcome to this wonderful spectacular blog. You have come to the right place. Im Shabanah.

    So is your husband now engaged to this woman? He’s asking A LOT from you. To basically accept his infidelity and the woman who had a part in it knowing he was married and he wants you all to have sexual relations all at once? Thats a mouth full. For once im speechless I’m not sure what i’d do in your situation as im Muslim and this would be unacceptable and intolerable. Ana and the other ladies here are much more experienced and wiser than I so lets wait for them to chime in. Im glad you’re here. Stay tuned

  • Shabanah

    January 3, 2015

    Hello everyone,
    I forgot to mention my second co discusses her issues she has with me with her eleven year old daughter. Her daughter is not an adult therefore dosent understand so she reacts to me in a very disrespectful manner sometimes as to be expected. I try so hard treating her kids as my own but how can I. We just had a minor incident her 11 year old responded to me very rudely then when i respectfully put her in her place she walked out. Im sick of trying to prove myself to people especially a freaken child. Ana you should have a discussion about how to deal with children in polygamous marriages. Im so torn. Never treated so badly by a child. Im fed up.

  • Mrembo

    January 3, 2015

    Happy new year to all. Thank you ever so much Ana for putting this site together. It offers a great deal of support to us women who are lost amidst polygamy emotions.
    This is my first time here, I stumbled onto the site while seeking emotional support as my husband has every intention to have a second wife. I am not Muslim and has never believed in polygamy, even though it is now legal in my country. My husband has had an affair with the woman he wants to marry for 4 years now. 2 years ago he approached me on marrying her and I flat out refused. Our marriage had taken a turn for the worse, we have had severe arguments and fights over his infidelity. We have been separated a couple of times and were on the verge of a divorce. On new year’s day I told him that I had thought of his intention to have another wife and I would consider it. He told me he would never leave me for her and that if she became my cowife, he would ensure that she respects me, which she has not done in the past. We have 3 children, he has not fathered one with her and may never as he had a vasectomy after our last child was born. My husband is very loving and kind towards me. He tells me to give him the chance to love me, for me to be open to the idea of polygamy. He wants to spend time with both of us in and out of the bedroom. He wants to be sexually intimate the 3 of us as well as spend time alone with each one of us. When we are talking, he makes me feel safe and secure and I agree to what he asks. Then turmoil hits after the conversation, when am alone anywhere, at home, driving, at work. I get so weak and helpless thinking about it. I don’t know if I can do it. I love my husband enough to give polygamy a try. I worry what if I can’t do it and want out of the polygamous marriage, I will lose my husband and marriage. I don’t know what to do, how to feel anymore…am so glad I found this site, there is a lot to read and it is all uplifting and encouraging.

  • Shabanah

    January 3, 2015

    You’re absolutely correct Gail. Believe me when I tell you, I went to hell and back because of her. I forgave her though because it affects me and only me holding onto hatred. I forgive but don’t forget. I began to realize that any courteous deed she has ever done for me which is a short list, was bc our hubby said so or for her to look like a saint in front of him. There’s not one good thing she has done for me that wasnt bragged about to my husband. Alhumdullilaah. I have my Allah and my beautiful children He has blessed me with. There’s good in everything.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2015

    Aisha,
    Don’t worry about your husband and his marriage.It seems to me he is not ready to make that leap just yet.U might flat out ask him if he really wants Polygamy.The way he is acting it sure seems he doesn’t.Maybe he will decide polygamy is not for him who knows.I will say this any wife that feels like her husband is pressured into polygamy by his family to marry a cousin should question question question her husband if polygamy is really what he wants to do because these cousin marriages are not normal polygamy marriages.It is so much more complicated simply because the marriage starts off not equal nor does it end up working out to be equal for the wives.Either the foreign wife gets the shaft or the cousin wife does but 9/10 for sure someone gets the shaft.They are just not equal do to family strife.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2015

    Shabanah and Aisha,

    Thank u ladies for being so kind about the children.I also swear I can’t wrap my brain around why she acts like she does.

    Shabanah,
    I am the same way I will bend over backwards for someone but u mess with my little one then I go for the juggler.I think all moms r that way to be honest.
    Shabanah what your second cowife did to u well she was just trying to be cruel to u and bring u down in your husbands eyes.It is a nasty thing to do and it does prove she doesn’t have your best interest at heart because when someone cares for u they try to help u not put u down.I just really get the feeling your second cowife is not good by heart and has major jealousy issues towards u.
    If I were u I would sure keep her at arms length.People sure r something else.

  • Ina

    January 2, 2015

    Wow Aisha, it seems you got the news most wives dream of getting. I can understand why you feel like you want it to be over done with rather than having to go through the emotional turmoil of an impending marriage in many months/years time. If the marriage is not something that your husband wants then he is trying to come up with excuses without being overtly disobedient to this family. But if the marriage is inevitable then he is just prolonging the pain. Whether or not it happens, you should not worry about it now…just enjoy your time in monogamy for a bit longer.

  • Ina

    January 2, 2015

    At the time, they were away on a business trip or as she calls it their second honeymoon. She needed to take pics and update her facebook so hubby had to let her use his phone. He has deleted most things about me from his phone anyway since she had gotten upset in past when she saw msgs/emails he’d sent me. He’s even deleted his Viber account. One time, she went into his facebook account (from his phone) and deleted a sunrise picture that I’d tagged him. She is super jealous and possessive.

    You are right that she is only harming herself. Hubby says the same thing about her possessiveness and she is the one ending up being miserable over stupid little things like counting the minutes of when he is with/not with her. But he also obliges her because like most men, he doesn’t want to deal with any drama. The other day, hubby text me to say that he left her 30 mins later than usual to make up for the time he had dropped kids off at the school. His msg annoyed me much because it once again highlighted her pettiness. I told him before that I was not going to count the minutes like her and am not bothered if he leaves her later than me as long as he can get back in time to pick up kids from school.

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2015

    @Ina, Happy New Year

    I’m surprised your hubs let her use his phone when out of his sight, knowing you may try to contact him and she’d intercept the calls/text. It would have been just as easy for her to troubleshoot her phone online or go to the nearest store and have them reset the phone. Oh, well. It is what it is. I could imagine how upset you had become because of it. I’ve learned that when people do mean spirited things, it does no good for anyone and it definitely hurts the person who does it. I learned the hard way. I know Allah’s promises are true. He says the plan of those who plot evil only hems in the author thereof. We don’t have to do anything – just sit back and let Allah do His thing. He takes care of business way better than we ever could. 🙂

  • Ina

    January 2, 2015

    Happy new year everyone!

    Shabanah, I completely agree with you about leaving the kids out of any conflict between the wives. When I was discussing the schedule with hubby, I wanted more of the weekends because I thought it would be more beneficial for the kids. I got very upset when hubby thought I was using the kids as an excuse to get what I wanted. To be honest, it’s harder for me when he is not around during the weekdays because I have to deal with the school runs, cooking, kids Quran classes and homework all by myself so having him at the weekends was definitely not for my benefit!

    A week ago, my eldest son was very sick because he ate too much mango the day before. He could not eat anything for the whole day and anything that he managed to swallow, he’d vomited it a hour later. I text hubby telling him about this. I later found out that co-wife had been using hubby’s phone (because she locked her phone after forgetting her PIN – I’m not sure if I believed this). When I spoke to hubby later he said he did not get my msgs. This revelation made my blood boil (like you said). I had to go and thump a punch bag several times to calm down(yes, we have a punch bag and boxing gloves). I knew she was still using hubby’s phone so I text a few msgs to wind her up and told her she was a b!tch for deleting those msgs. I could understand it if she deleted them if these were love msgs but these were about his son!

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2015

    Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I get a bad feeling when weddings are postponed. Seems more is going on than meets the eye. Allah knows best. All you could do it is see it play out. I know you were so looking forward to getting it done, so you could settle into a new way of life. Now it’s a wait and see game. Alhumdulliah. As Shabanah said, it could have been a test for you. If so, you did good, girl! 🙂

  • Shabanah

    January 2, 2015

    Hey there Aisha,

    I was really looking forward to hearing about how you enjoyed the wedding and if you two excepted each other at the wedding etc. We plan and Allah plans and Indeed Allah is the best of planners. Maybe this was a test for you to see how you’d react to the thought of your hubby marrying again. I wonder though if the girl and her family think you played a part in your hubby calling the wedding off. I hope not. It wouldn’t be a positive start if the wedding does take place down the line.
    Aisha you did well even though things are postponed. You remained positive, optimistic and steadfast. Hats off to you lady

  • Aisha

    January 2, 2015

    Sis Gail
    I don’t know how your ex-co does it, to just ignore the existence of her own kids, that is just sad and you are on the right track raising her kids and seeing them as your own that is remarkable, my step mom also did the same even though not in a similar situation aas yours but she was more of a mother than my own mom, even better after my mom died she stepped in and she carried us through till today, I am a married woman, my son knows her as granny, I just love her

    I really applaud you for that and I now how much you must mean to those kids, they may be young but believe me they understand your struggle, may Allah reward ameen

  • Shabanah

    January 2, 2015

    Gail

    People like your ex co who mistreated your son, boil my blood. An innocent child has absolutely nothing to do with their animosity towards a situation. I was very young when I had my first. I was still a baby myself. I was struggling trying to adapt to a new environment and being a mother all at once. It was quite difficult and my second co picked and prodded at my inability to raise my child up to her standards and made sarcastic remarks about my son But i think i did a pretty darn good job and continue doing so. It was obstacles but i overcame them i just think its inhumane and downright WRONG. Looking back now im like d@mmmnn i have grown tremendously. Im so grateful i never stooped to her level and spread rumors about her being an incapable mother. Allah is the judge. I dont play with my children though. You can come for me all you want my kids are off limits. Look at them sideways i dare u.

    LOL I hope i didnt go too off the topic

  • Aisha

    January 2, 2015

    Assalam alikum beautiful sisters……guess what my hubby has put his wedding on hold until his little sister is married off, so basically the wedding is off until futher notice
    the wedding was supposed to be on the 24th this month and he just cancelled just like that and he even refuses to go home, mind you he has not been home in the last 5 years and his family kinda blames me but what the hell, their son just doesn’t like Pakistan and now I see why they actually want him to marry there just so he could be forced to come home more..I just wonder how the girl is doing, the wedding and everything was ready, his sister might take 2years or more to get her wedding fixed.i don’t agree eith him putting the wedding on hold because I just want to get this done and over with but No he wants more time, for what I dont know.i was even invited to the wedding, I was ready and prepared emotionally but now I will have to start all over again

  • Shabanah

    January 2, 2015

    Happy Birthday Spirited 🙂 may you be blessed with many many more years. Much love from all of us.

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2015

    Dear Gail,

    Your ex-co is absolutely wrong in how she treated your child differently than her own. It’s a no, no and she needs to know it. It’s Islamic teaching that children are supposed to be treated with kindness and justly.

    The ayah (verse) in Quran about men marrying 2 or 3 or 4 women has to do with orphans. If men can’t treat all the children the same, then he should only marry one woman. Most Muslims get the ayat twisted. They don’t know the meaning. They are so desperate to find a way to prevent men from engaging in polygamy that they interpret the ayah wrong.

    Men straight up know whether they like children or not. They straight up know whether they want to or not deal with children that aren’t their own biological children. They know straight up whether they would be able to deal justly and be fair with children that aren’t theirs. The children can’t divorce parents. Wives can divorce husbands.

    Anyhow, I say it all because your ex-co is dead wrong in how she dissed yours child in favor of her own.

    You said maybe your ex-co could learn from this website and heal. I don’t think she can. Her major problem is cultural. It’s not that she dislikes polygamy as much as it’s that she want to live the Pakistani way. Having a dislike for polygamy is just a small part of her problem.

    Furthermore, I find when people such as your ex-co have a limited amount of formal education, for instance, when they haven’t gone any further than the eight grade, they aren’t open minded, and aren’t able to process information well. Those are my thoughts about it. They can’t wrap their brains around more than the mere basics of life. I’m referring to most, not all. There are always exceptions to the rule.

    Gail,

    It’s Marie whose husband said he’s got a feeling Marie is going to have twins. She’s feeling more sick than she did with her previous pregnancies.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2015

    Ana,
    Yes I agree it is very sad and cruel of my excowife to treat the children this way and not just her own but my son as well.The main problem that came in the middle is she treated my son badly and I did not want the children split or her putting bad thoughts in their heads against their own biological brother.Even here the insane part.Because she and my husband are 1st cousins that makes my excowife and my son Biological second cousins and her mother is my sons great Auntie.I just don’t get it.It is mind blowing when u marry in the family then u end up with a situation like mine where more kids are added by the wife who is outside the family unit.
    Mari2 u will have the same problem as I do if u have children with your husband.Your children will be second cousins to your cowife and her mom or dad will be your children’s Aunt and Uncles just something to think about incase u have not thought about it.
    Did someone say something about one of the Mari maybe having twins?

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2015

    Gail,

    You made me laugh when you said Zareen and you need a vacation. It’s beautiful that you and she are so close. Her biological mom is foolish not to take an interest in her. You are doing a nice job taking good care of her Alhumdulliah!!! You’re a funny lady; you said the guys are good at making a mess and not picking up. I think men never grew out of it from when they were little boys. You have a way with words though. Gail, you’re a piece of work in a good way 🙂

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2015

    I took the liberty to move the last few posts/comments over onto the January 2015 discussions. I hope you don’t mind.

    FYI, it will stop snowing on the blog on January 5th from what I understand. So enjoy the weather here while it lasts. It’s been a mild winter thus far.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2015

    Shabanah,
    Oh both boys lovely.Hopefully u will get a little girl soon if u like one.I have one daughter and she helps me so much.A million times more than her brothers.lol
    Boys are something else when it comes to housework and picking up.Great at making messes not so great at cleaning them.Her and I feel outnumbered all the time.4 men and just the 2 of us to deal them.Her and I need a vacation.lol The other day I walk into the room and my 9 yr old had her down on the ground and she was telling him get off her and he was like NOPE i sat and watched them for awhile thinking they r making good memories.I am really proud of my kids esp Zareen she has come along ways we didn’t get her to USA until she was 6.She was behind so I put her with my youngest son and together both have just blossomed.They are my 2 brightest children.They are really cute together her being Miss Bossy and my 9 year old being Mr Know it all all the time but somehow they manage to work together perfect.Even they have slept in the same bed since the day she came from pakistan 5 yrs ago and Zareen never complains that her baby brother uses her for a body pillow when he sleeps.It is so cute to watch.I hope they stay close forever.

  • ummof4

    January 1, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Marie, I agree, nothing is more frustrating than having a miscarriage and people feeling sorry for you. I have had 3, and each time other people were more upset than I was. The last one was when one of my daughters was 15 years old. She was sad for a long time, but I wasn’t. She was really looking forward to the new baby. However I agree that women with a history of miscarriage like us may do better to wait.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2015

    Shabanah,
    Well u know what they say in Pakistan OLD IS GOLD I guess I fall in that group now.lol I will be 44 next month.Enjoy your time while u r young because u won’t be able to get it back.I hope u r doing great.

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Happy New Year to Everyone!

    I Just want to say welcome to the new January 2015 post/thread. I kindly ask you all to have your general discussions here. Some threads such a “Marry a Pakistani Man? Beware! or any other post thread that we’re been holding discussions on we should still continue to write on, if you’d like.

    I love you all

    Here is a link to the December 2014 post/thread for those who would like to go there easily to refresh their memories about what was said or to finish reading https://polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-december-14-discussions/

  • Shabanah

    January 1, 2015

    Ana and Marie,
    You two had me literally laughing out loud for minutes with your descriptions of the sympathetic puppy dog sappy eyes individuals. Funny funny funny. Thank you marie for the compliment. I really am a sweetheart i like going the extra mile for people until they start taking my generosity for granted. I care deeply and love uncontrollably it takes a lot to piss me off. Omg that would be so awesome if you have twins.
    Coco
    I mentioned in the new year post about my thoughts on the movie gone girl. I watched it yesterday. Im happy im here too. I wish I found all of you gorgeous ladies sooner but Allah broughtme here when it was meant to be. Maybe i wasnt mature enough to hear the sound advice here and take heed. Allah knows best.

    Gail
    Wow you have yourself a little genius in the making. He has something special for sure. Thank you for inquiring about my babies. Both boys. 5 going on 6 and my baby turned one in November. No princess baby yet. InshaAllah in the near future.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2015

    Shabanah,
    How r your 2 little ones doing? U have a boy and girl I think u said and the girl is older than the boy if I remember correctly.I bet they r so cute.My youngest is mix and he is adorable.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2015

    Ana,
    I also can’t wait to see how my little one turns out.All my kids seem to be on the right track now.I am in high hopes they all will turn out just fine.I do believe my little one may very well end up being something pretty wonderful.Strangely I don’t feel it so much with my other kids as much as I feel it with the baby.He is very unique.He was explaining Quantum Physics to his 20 yr old brother tonight.My 11 yr daughter is highly intelligent also and she always adds stuff that the baby says and I ask them where u get all this information and every time they say Brainpop.I tell u anyone that has kids that sight is off the charts amazing.That and discovery Education if u want to give your kids an awesome start these online education programs for children is the way to go.From what I seen basically everyone has the same brain but where each of us go r different ways is in our interest.I notice with my kids where there interest is at then that is what they gravitate towards.Like Example my 9 yr old is average in schoolwork yet he is off the charts in knowledge and that comes from his interest in watching Documentaries.I am not joking the kids can basically tell u every part of a plane and ships and submarines simply because he has interest.I will tell u something else the kid can tell everything about the titanic and who was on it and what the ship was made up and all the different theories of what happened.I will tell u this I have seen enough listening to him that I don’t believe this is normal for a 9 yr old to know so much.I mean I know he does but the kid even understands Quantum Physics to a pretty large degree.I just don’t know how to explain it logically speaking.I tell u one thing if we do have other lives then he must have had something to do with planes and ships for sure.lol