January 2017 Discussions About Polygamy

January 2017 discussions about polygamy

Welcome to our January 2017 discussions about polygamy

January 2017 discussions about polygamy

January 2017 discussions about polygamy

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  • anabellah

    February 1, 2017

    This thread is now closed January 2017 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the January 2017 discussions and welcome in February 2017.

    Please join us at: February 2017 Discussions

    January 2017 discussions

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    I moved our posts about suicide over here. I didn’t realize that I had posted it over there until you replied.

    I’ve got the new thread for February 2017, set up and ready to go, after midnight ūüôā

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    I know; it’s really creepy. My husband had a best friend when he was younger who committed suicide. He did it the same way that my brother’s friend did – shot himself. My husband’s friend shot himself in the head in his car. He had a wife and children and appeared to have it all and was very happy. I can’t begin to imagine how sad and in a dark place a person must have been to do such a thing. Sigh.

    Insha Allah, a bit later, I’m going to watch the movie, “Ordinary People”. It was the winner of 4 Academy Awards, including “Best Picture”, back in the 1980s, staring Mary Tyler Moore who just die last week. In the movie, her son commits suicide. It’s a very good movie. I bought the DVD years ago to add to my collection. I get morbid at times and watch sad, heartbreaking movies.

  • Rosa

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Ana suicide always sends chills down my spine. Very scarey wow

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Weird stuff is happening. My younger brother’s friend (whom I’ve known most of my life) committed suicide – shot himself. Very sad ūüôĀ

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2017

    Most are probably watching and reading the news, if not protesting. My eyes are glued to the tube when I’m home.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    It’s a bit quiet here, probably due to the world protest against Trump’s new immigration policy. I assume most of you knew this.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2017

    Naris,

    Just because she is with him daily in the workplace doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a good thing. I remember speaking with a cousin of mine about such a situation. She owned a small store with her husband. She and he worked together daily for years. Years ago, she had told me that working with a spouse is not good, as you will become as brother and sister. The romance and affection diminishes from being together all day and then going home together at night. I could see how it may happen. She and her husband actually ended up having gone from sleeping in separate beds to each having separate bedrooms.

    In time, your husband may come to value you after having been away for days. I don’t know what your nightly schedule is. There could be some validity to the saying that “Absence makes the heart grow founder”. To capitalize on this, you’d need to make your home a peaceful place for your husband to be. It won’t be accomplished if you’re all over him and breathing down his throat while questionings and complaining the whole time.

    Your marriage may not be the way you’d like it to be right now, but in time, there is a chance that it will get much better. Although, it won’t be as it was when you live monogamously with him, it can be the beginning of a new relationship that will be fulfilling and rewarding for you.

  • Nargis

    January 29, 2017

    Dear Ana,

    Thanks a ton for your words and advice. This is literally the only place where I can pour my heart out and be completely understood and supported.

    Thank you all wonderful women again. 

     

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I don’t know if a man goes back to being the way that he was before he became polygamous after the novelty of the wife who is the newcomer wears off. I believe that we should always be in a state of growth and change. No one can re-live the past.

    I’m a firm believer that a marriage can become much better than it ever had been before, and that a husband and wife could find much joy and peace in a polygamous marriage. It comes from obeying Allah and putting Him first. He says He disposes of the Believers’ affairs towards comfort and ease. I believe all that Allah says.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I know you miss your old life with your husband and want things to be the way that they used to be. The fact is that things change when the variables change. You’re no longer in a monogamous marriage.

    Now that your marriage is polygamous it will be different. It’s an adjustment to it that you must make. It won’t happen over night, but it’s something that you need to do.

    She is his wife and he will do things or say things that will let you know that he loves her. Just because he loves her doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you too. People can sense how people feel about certain people even without them having to say a word. A husband doesn’t need to hide who he is, nor put on an act.¬† At the same time, he should be sensible enough to try to avoid anything that will obviously hurt someone. It’s where sensitivity and compassion come in to play.

    Some wives are okay with their husband talking to them about the other. Some wives don’t want the husband to talk at all to them about the others.¬† It’s on you and your husband to determine how you’d like to deal with the matter.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    You stated, “he even tells me to stop doing stuff BEFORE it upsets her..”

    Well, of course, you don’t want to do anything to intentionally upset her, BUT let me tell you what will do it that wouldn’t be wrong on your part – ignore her. You determined that she’s not the type of person whom you want to be bothered with because of the betrayal and her imposing herself on you. I suggest that you, Insha Allah, do your best not to let her or him know that you’re effected by what he and she are doing. You don’t know what he is telling her that you’ve said. She may very well receive joy in knowing that you are upset. Therefore, back away and let them be.

    Your husband has no reason to complain about anything that you do, if you’re not doing anything to impact him and her – such as calling him, texting him when you think that he may be with her. Don’t complain to him about her. He will defend her and turn against you.

    If you’re not the aggressor or contributing to her directly being upset by you calling, texting, complaining etc., the most he could do is continue to tell you that you need to submit to her will and be her friend or welcome her. In that case, you should stand your ground that you want nothing to do with her. You don’t need to have lengthy dialog with him about it because he’s not hearing you about it. Only speak of it when and if he brings it up. Tell him you will not communicate with her. You need to be able to expect that there is a chance that he may divorce you, but https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I totally understand how hurt you are about what your husband said. I think it would have broken my heart too, had it happened to me, even if he had done it with more sensitivity. Your husband sounds to be very angry and bitter about something.

    When it comes to him, Insha Allah, there are a few things that you could do to help remedy the situation. Some of the ladies already mentioned them. Besides speaking to him about your feelings, which he tends to ignore, you could get your and his family member (if Muslim) involve. If you don’t have Muslim family then use Muslim friend – some of his and some of yours – or people from a local mosque involved. You need them to mediate/arbitrate between you and your husband. They would try to remedy the situation in an effort to bring about some peace to your marriage. Mediation/arbitration is mentioned in the Quran.

    You could separate from your husband for a while as well; it, too, is a remedy mentioned in the Quran. It could give your husband, you and his other a chance to see how things go with you out of the picture. It may bring you and your husband closer together or leave you further apart, resulting in a divorce.

    It’s on you (with the permission of Allah) to take some type of action other than talking to let him know that you matter; you’re important; you’re his wife, and you’re not going to take his insensitivity and lack of compassion anymore.

    If I were you, I’d tell him that you don’t want his other wife to attend your children’s events/affairs or anything that you and he used to do just the two of you or you, he and the children do any longer. If she’s with him every day, then you should have your alone time with him and your children without her tagging along. Those are your children and you should be able to enjoy them with your husband without her being present. It’s not that type of party. You and she are not friends and you don’t have to be her friend. It’s the least that he could do being that he is with her daily.

    Nargis, if your husband continues to disrespect you and continues to be mean spirited to you, then, as I said before, there may come a time when you’ll need to make your intent to leave the marriage. Furthermore, you need to REMEMBER that what you chase runs from you. I’d suggest you try to distance yourself from your husband so that you don’t appear needy and all up his butt. Get yourself involved in things that you like (that are halal) that makes you happy. I know it may not be easy for you now, if you’re feeling depressed. You’ll have to turn to Allah so that He will help you. I can’t foresee much getting better for you unless you start turning away from your husband and turn to Allah.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis, Hello,

    Your question isn’t a silly one. The best way to find out about anything that we’re not sure about is to ask.

    I must say that I’m the same as you with regard to the rain. I love the rain, too. It’s soooo beautiful and soothing, especially on a Sunday.

    About the call that you made to your husband during the day, and how he handled it, I don’t think there is a simply answer as to whether he handled it rightly or wrongly. As you know, most of the information that is available about polygamy says that a polygamous man’s days are for him and he could do what he wants during the day (whatever Allah wills). It would include his dealings with his wives during the day (whatever Allah wills).

    So, was your husband wrong in telling you not to call him during the day anymore about things such as the rain? I’d say not necessarily. All men are different. All husbands are different. Is he being unfair? Allah knows best. You best believe that if your husband is being unfair/unjust, he will account to Allah for it the same as we all will account to Allah for what we do etc.

    There probably are a lot of husbands who would have welcomed a call such as yours from their wives, especially if the husband works daily with only one of his wives. Your husband is being consistent in that he dances to his other wife’s beat. She is his priority. You said you called about something that means much to you and him. Does it matter what the call was about about?

    Some husbands and wives probably have rules about when the wife or the husband should or shouldn’t call. I know it happens in monogamous marriages as well. The monogamous husband may ask his wife not to call him at work unless it’s an emergency. It’s all relative. It depends on the parties to the marriage and what they decides upon between them. It’s the beauty of Islam that Islam is not so restrictive. We’re given a lot of freedom and liberties.

    To be continued…

  • Nargis

    January 28, 2017

    Dear all,

    I have a question to ask. I have always loved the rain.

    Over the course of more than 10 years..whenever it starts raining after a long time I immediately call my hubby when he is not around and tell him I love him and am thinking about him. The rain gets me in a good mood and I always think of him as we have sharedany romantic walks and moments in the rain.

    And he had absolutely no problem with that..in fact like it..

    Yesterday he was at work when it started raining after almost 4-5 months …I called him as I always do.. the call lasts maybe 10-20 sec.. I say what i always say to him…its raining baby and I am thinking about you. He didnt seem to mind..

    Today during some discussion,he tells me.. not to  randomly call him about it anymore as she may be around him and its not fair on her.

    I told him I have been doing it for years and besides I called him during work hours so its a nuetral time for us. But because she works with him now EVERYDAY.. I am supposed to not call anymore?

    He said yes.. just as u would not like it if she called when u are around and say romantic things to me I dont want you to do that either..

    I felt really hurt.. I said she is with u throughout the day.. now am I not supposed to call u while u are at work?

    He said.. call if its work related otherwise to not call.. 

    Ok.. so this is him talking now.. not her.. which hurts me even more. 

    So how do I deal with stuff like this.. it seems small I know.. but it just hurt me to the quick..

    She spends almost 8-9 hours EVERYDAY with him…. So she gets to spend time with him.. have breakfast with him EVERY morning as he leaves home really early, and sometimes even lunch AND dinner with him.. so she actually spends a lot more time with him.

    When I told him..after a decade of being married to him I need to stop saying and doing what I have always done why should I stop now ESP when I call him during nuetral work hours. He goes off on a different tangent and tells she needs to spend more time with me  cause she is a new wife.. so respect her time with me..

    How do  I deal with this.. frankly, I am also myself tired of feeling hurt for small silly things and getting worked up. Is there any prayer I can say during tense stressful moments that will give me the strength to ignore stuff like that and just move on and focus on more important stuff..

    Stuff like this really really hurts me when he does not rhink about me but ony worries about her.. in fact he even tells me to stop doing stuff BEFORE it upsets her..

    I am bugged of this nonsense.. 

    I have started trying to live my life way way waaay more independently so I dont depend on him for anything.. but I still need him emotionally..

    Someone told me…she is new.. the novelty will wear off.. then he will be back to normal.. well..do men really go back to being how they were prior to polygamy?¬†

    Silly questions I know:)

     

     

  • ummof4

    January 28, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Xallma if you are still here, I agree with Ana.¬† It truly sounds as if you feel that women who are in polygyny are not “empowered”.¬† Personally, I do not like that word because only Allah has power.¬† You have a sweet way of talking to people, Alhamdulillah.¬† However, it is clear to some of us that you do not like polygamy.¬† That’s okay, you have a right to feel that way.¬†

    You sound like a woman who has been influenced by someone in a polygamous marriage who was not happy and felt abused. Maybe it was you, maybe it was a close friend or family member. Even though you may¬†feel polygyny is not¬†for you at this point in your life, many of us love it as it is a part of our lives and it is a part of Islam, and we love all of Islam.¬† I do hope you stay and learn more, In shaa’Allah.¬† Advice should be given from experience and knowledge.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • Jasmina

    January 28, 2017

    Salam alaikum Ana and friends

    i hope you are all well. I’m just dropping by to say that I’m doing well alhamdulillah. Few ups and downs but recently it’s mainly been ups so I’m very hopefully about the future alhamdulillah.

    i love you all and hope to join in on the conversation real soon, very flat out busy at the moment.

  • Rosa

    January 28, 2017

    Ana that theory has me scratching my head. I guess it depends on what the truth and lie is exactly. 

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    I wonder if the saying is true that – “The truth is not as painful as discovering a lie”.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    Xallma, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m unable to delete your comments as they are part of the blog’s content. Others have asked me to delete comments, which I don’t do, unless it’s a duplicate or something to that effect.

    You said you were trying to get insight for your own situation. What is your situation, if I may ask?

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Sister Ana,

    If you could be kind enough to delete my comments, that would be greatly appreciated, I do not wish for other sisters to read and get the wrong idea, for I will be answerable to Allah swt for any repercussion as a result of my comments.

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Salaam Sisters,

    Sister Ana, I think my message has been completely misconstrued, and I apologise to all who have read and felt I am Anti-polygamy, I believe it is a beautiful structure and has abundance of blessing for all. 

    I was simply putting forward what I felt would be of help, if that has not been achieved, it is my own fault and may Allah swt forgive me if that is what any of the sisters have picked up. I am in no way here to ‘SAVE’ anybody, Only Allah swt can save us from anything and everything.

    I am in no way implying empower as coming from oneself, rather the strength in the guidance of Allah swt, to help us along this journey. I think this was misunderstood maybe through my wording.

    I didn’t expect my input to be vilified or seen as an attack as you have said where I have been accused of seeing sisters as a number of things. I see each and every on of yourselves as extremely beautiful people who have wealth of understanding of what Allah swt wants from us as Muslims, wives, mothers and the other roles.¬†

    In your opinion I may have no clue about Qur’an, but Alhamdulillah we are humans and flawed and our way in life is to learn about deen, If I have some understanding and you have a deeper understanding, I am not one to be stubborn, I want to learn.¬†

    Maybe my word of ‘choice’ was not correct in context, yes upon the path of Allah swt we have no choice, we must do what is pleasing to Allah swt. Nothing happens without the permission of Allah swt, and we as Muslims must follow what Allah swt has asked us to do.

    Alhamdullah Allah swt has given me ears, intelligence and eyes so I ask you to please not say as you have about the blessings of Allah swt upon me. I came here to get insight due to my own situation but SubHanAllah did not think I would be ostracised by a sister in the way I have, but All is from Allah swt. Maybe through this Allah swt is showing me I still have a lot of work to do on how I write things. Alhamdulillah.

    Sister Nargis, I apologise to you in particular if my input has in anyway made you feel like I am directing you to a particular decision, as this was not my aim. May Allah swt forgive my shortcomings and May Allah swt protect and help us all through all trials and tribulations in life. Ameen

    I think I have outstayed my welcome.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    Satan creates false illusions that seem real. It seems that Xallma was coming from a positive, good place in her post, but in essence it was basically to tell Nargis to leave the marriage.

    Xallam let us know that she doesn’t believe in polygamy and especially not for herself. So, with that said, Why does she feel the need to tell Nargis to leave the marriage? Nargis has told us unequivocally that she doesn’t want a divorce. She said she loves her husband and believes that he still loves her. She said that she wants to stay married to him. Furthermore, she is trying to learn what she can do to make the process easier.

    Xallma’s post came across as a lot of rhetoric as a filler to get to the part of telling Nargis that she should empower herself because she has choices and should leave the marriage.

    It doesn’t cease to amaze me that people come here who are anti-polygamous and think that they can “SAVE” the women here who want to accept polygamy or do accept it. They think we are brainwashed victims and the such who lack knowledge, understanding etc. People like her are nauseating to me, despite that they are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. They have no clue what Allah says in the Quran. How is anyone going to “empower” themselves when only Allah has power. There is no one who shares his power. He has no partners. He decides and makes everything happen. Nonetheless, she talks about “choices” on top of all else that she says about Allah.

    Throughout the Quran, Allah lets us know that we don’t have choices. One ayah out of the MANY, Allah says:

    “Thy Lord does create and choose as He pleases: no choice have they (in the matter): Glory to Allah! and far is He above the partners they ascribe (to Him)!” Quran: Surah 28:68

  • Maryam

    January 27, 2017

    Thank you.

    I also gave to his family, especially when his mother was alive. And again this was¬†never a problem for me, that’s what you do for family or friends.

    It is sometimes that I think it seems so easy for the men and the women have to go through a lot. Probably because Allah made us strong.

    My husband is really a good man, he tries hard to make me happy and it is for me no problem to bring in money for ‘our’ marriage/life. I also like to do something, I feel useless sitting in house and doing nothing, also because I don’t have children to look after. And for me it is also normal that if you want to have money you have¬†to work for it.

    But I feel like if he thinks he can support 2 wifes, then okay it is HIS responsibility to do this, the ‘mean me’ is thinking this LOL.

    I don’t see her like my co. For me it is like that is his other life and I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m not closing my eyes for this, it’s just easier for me like this.¬†

    I will see how this goes. I think I will safe the money which I will have from my old work, give some of this to charity, many people here who need clothes and blankets, especially in wintertime. And safe the rest for emergencies, like doctors or hospitals, we don’t have insurance for this.

     

    Sometimes I wonder if this is really what Allah wants for me. Is he not just telling¬†me something else, something I don’t see?Like ‘go from your husband and this life’ ‘find someone else who will not hurt you’.

    How do we know if we do the right thing?

    Bless you all dear sisters, I will read the other post later when I have more time https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    LOL, Rosa,

    Rosa is way better than “bathroom” ūüôā LOL I just couldn’t go on letting you refer to yourself as a toilet ROFL

  • Rosa

    January 27, 2017

    Salaams 

    Lol oh my. Well here’s to changing my name for good. No longer bano but Rosa¬†

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Awww sister Nargis, Jazakallah Khairun, all I have written is truly from the Mercy of Allah swt that he has blessed all of us with so I take no credit.

    No two scenario are the same, just as many people exist in this Dunya and no two people are ever exactly the same – applies to every scenario, what you are going through is your own pain and struggle, please do not compare between yourself and any other like for like, there are always elements that can be compared but not as a whole. I used to do that, I use to tell myself if someone else can bear it, why not me, am I that weak…but the moment you realise I am my own person and that is my strength. If he loses you, you cannot be replaced in any shape or form. Allah swt gave each and every one of us that strength.

    Sister Nargis, despite loving people from the very core of our being, and after all the hurt, you still still love them but in a very different way Inshaa Allah, you love them as you make dua that Allah swt takes care of each and everyone¬†and grants them all success in this life and Akirah, We can make dua of revenge and for all of lifes trouble to mount on a particular persons account, but there is no good in a dua like that, I am in need of good in life and of Allah swt’s blessings so why poison myself with hatred and anger, which does come to mind of course it does, I have seen that within myself so never be ashamed if it has cropped to mind, don’t put yourself down for these ideas, and thoughts of hate coming to mind, its natural.¬†See it as shaytan stirring thoughts, and at moments like that stand and make dua for even more good for all of the Muslims and help from Allah swt, that is how we can neutralise hate and anger, after all the Nafs can run wild but Allah swt has asked us to discipline it, as it is exposed to the influence of Shaytan. Be very selfish when asking Allah swt for help, like as child crying and crying and asking and asking, never tire of that. Allah swt is the most loving and the most Just.¬†

    Sometimes my beautiful sister, you come first, even though you are a  mother and wife, you have to put yourself first, not in a manner of selfishness, rather assessing this present moment in life, what this means for you, what sense of value does it have. If you believe that you could overcome it with he help of Allah swt, you can, these events of life can and do affect all involved psychologically, physically and emotionally, it can wear you out, at that point you need to think about your own well being and sanity, often it is not us women who have not lived up to it, rather the man was not strong enough for what he takes on board. They almost see it with rose tinted glasses, as if all people involved see it like he does, we are our own individuals, you, and each and every one of your children, very different, with their own minds, thoughts and feelings. I just wish these individuals would once put aside acting on their intention and just reflect for a moment on what possibilities could arise and communicate and maybe find a way around it all, rather than shell shock a woman and have her go through what feels like agonising and unbearable pain.

    Maybe other sisters can comment, why on earth would a man not communicate his intention, if in the instance he has this thought, he communicates, the wife atleast knows, ahaaaa so thats what he has on his mind, or in the instance that he is firm upon the decision, what is so wrong in telling a wife, giving her time to come to terms with it, or her making a decision, why are they so scared, We’re not¬†aliens are we? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, are they that fearful of the repercussions before they get married, that they just go full steam ahead, impose it on a woman, she is beyond surprised and for a time in great confusion and pain, but sticks it out as she is vulnerable in many ways. Maybe having spoken to her before taking action means she would leave, she has that right doesn’t she, why are you scared of losing her, you know that is a risk that may happen or she may very well come round to accept the idea, get her balance right and carry on healthy, Just telling your wife, and communicating makes the world of difference, I really don’t understand what goes on inside their heads. Do they not fear being questioned about the way they handled the matter, the hurt that they inflicted on top of their conduct throughout? ¬†Mind you I have seen a beautiful example of Polygamy, and it all came from communication, the brother explained to the first wife, and she cried, but he was there comforting her and guiding her islamically, not the legality of it, but the spiritual aspect,May Allah swt guide them to be like our Prophet saw. Please sister do not take this as reflection to dwell on the past, he didn’t do it like this, that is his action based on his intention, maybe when the time is right you can bring up this idea, that if he conducted in this way, you could have been prepared, helping him get a new perspective in life going forward.

    Sorry sister, got a little off track there, More than anything, you need to be in a safe place, within yourself for yourself and through that for your darling children. Do not by any means pressure yourself to get there right here right now, it all comes in time, through patience, pain and prayer.

    For us women, its like being out at sea, chained with two boulders on our feet, and we try, we try so hard because its in our nature to not accept defeat Рwe try to swim despite being chained down, and we do, with full faith in Allah swt, and sometimes out of the Mercy of Allah swt, we carry on without feeling the burden of the boulders and sometimes He swt sets the chains completely free, either way the destination is back to the safe shores of Allah swt. 

    All us sisters, we are writing to help you, may Allah swt keep our intention focused on helping for the sake of Allah swt, we all are saying a lot of do’s and don’ts and it may all be too much, you can put it to aside and process it as and when you can but it is all about you, you sound like a lovely person, trust yourself that you are a lovely person who wants nothing but good.

    This whole life is blessings and trials disguised in various forms, but when we will all stand before Allah swt alone, everything is stripped back to just us being alone, no husband, no other woman will come to save you. Please do not be scared by what I am saying, do not devalue or belittle your efforts, i.e why am i doing all this then? We are doing it for the sake of Allah swt, worship of Allah swt is our purpose in life, but that worship takes many forms, one of which is helping one another, looking after the children Рall good done can be a form of worship, how beautiful is Allah swt and the guidance He has given. Everything presented on that day we all want to work in our favour Рthe morsel of food you put in your childs mouth with love, the controlling of Nafs when you wanted to vent, scream, curse your husbands second wife, all of this done for the sake of Allah swt, will be so valued by our Rabb, that we cannot even imagine. The reward of it is with Allah swt. 

    On here sister, I believe it is all about you, empowering yourself to know that You can make it through this with the help of Allah swt, whatever you chose, whenever you chose it, its because you chose it and left it in the hands of Allah swt. Not because your husband did this and you got to leave it or lump it. But because you chose to grow as a person within the situation, and chose not to Leave..You chose it. There is a strength in owning the decision. And if you leave, You chose to leave it, because you know that it is something that you cannot carry on in, and have done so in a respectable and lawful manner. Whatever you do from the help of Allah swt, you should be happy that you are an honest and honourable woman and that regardless of the outcome of the situation, you have respect for all and super composed in whatever is required of you going forward.

    What you are going through my dear sister, Allah swt knows, I pray that none of this pain, hurt, anger and distress that each one of us sisters have, are and will be going through goes in vain, may Allah swt give us blessings in this Dunya and Akirah and reward us abundantly for our patience, grant us the strength to get through this life and all the trials and tribulations, to go through this life with worship of Allah swt as our sole purpose. Grant us his shade on the day we stand before him, Grant us and those we love beautiful places in Jannah and make us all neighbours, Allah swt please take us close to you and never let each and every one of us be alone or without your love, guidance and support for even a second. Ameen,

    Love for you all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Bano, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You chose an interesting user name:

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Bano, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The ladies here really need to take heed to the ayah that you recited, “Allah says ‚ÄĚ And whoever turns away from my remembrance will indeed have a depressed life‚ÄĚ Holy Quran 20:124”

    Women need to contemplate their lives and see if and where they have fallen short in the worship of Allah. They need to see if they may have contributed to their condition. Is what they are experiencing a punishment or a test? I know when I’ve done things wrong and probably am being punished and when I may actually be in a test or it perhaps it could be both. Allah knows best.

    All Muslims need to read the Quran and know what Allah says about tests/trials, punishments, adversity, suffering, remedies and His Promises.

    Allah places each person in situations that will either increase their faith and decrease it. Allah has determined who will be Muslim and who will be a non-Muslim. It means that people will do things that will take them to their final destination.

    I just spoke on another post/thread about anti-polygamous people.comment about anti-polygamous

    Most of them think they are in control of things the same as Allah is. People who think they have power are similar to Pharoah.
    The anti-polygamous people are like Satan as well. Iblis was arrogant and the anti-polygamous people are as well. They basically negate what Allah says about patience, perseverance, prayer, trial, tests, punishment and His promises etc. They are quick to tell a woman that she has control of her life and if she doesn’t like that her husband is polygamous she should just leave. The anti-polygamous person is clueless.

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Dear Xallma

    I just re read your post. It’s so beautiful. Thank you so much again.

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Oh dear I guess I am probably too stressed out today Ana.

    Pls delete the previous post which is incomplete.

    I meant I will try and be strong and and take each day at a time and during my weak moments I have this wonderful blog to turn to.

    May Allah give me strength and dignity and grace to weather the coming future.

    thanks all

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Salam 

    Thank you dear Xallma and Bano for your kind words and advice.

    Will try and be s throng and take each day at a time. And urging my weak moments and doubts I have this lovely blog to turn to. Thank you all

     

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2017

    I mean Jum’uah.

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Maryam as Ana says, each marriage is different, there is no one set of rules for finances.  However, Allah has said that men are the protectors and maintainers of the women (not just their wives, but of course, their wives).  

    As many of you already know, my personal opinion is that the husband should pay all of the major household expenses for any household he has, since he is the head of the household. ¬†This includes food, clothing and shelter. ¬†He has to support his wife according to his means. ¬†When a woman marries a man, she should know what he can and cannot afford and be willing to live according to his means. Any money the wife earns or has can be supplemental to the household or spent on “extras”, like vacations, eating out, trips, special clothing (or expensive chocolate). ¬†A wife can also give a LOT of sadaqah if she does not have to pay the bills. ¬†In case of emergency, such as the husband losing his job through no fault of his own, an accident or extended illness, any wife who cares about Allah, her husband and her marriage would pitch in financially. ¬†

    Too many times I have seen families where the wife paid all or most of the bills in the household. ¬†Then the husband decides that he can use his money to marry another woman since his present wife is paying all or most of the bills. ¬†When the present wife complains that it’s not fair for him to marry another wife and pay all their bills, the husband really doesn’t understand the problem, especially if his present wife has been paying the bills for years. ¬†The present wife has a right to be upset, but hindsight is often 20/20 vision. ¬†

    In conclusion, it’s easier to go into a marriage with the husband paying the household expenses than changing the dynamics years later after he is comfortable not having the responsibility. ¬†It’s not impossible to change, just rather difficult.

    I love you all and pray that you all have a generous, blessed Hum’uah.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Maryam, Hello

    It’s nice that you are still here with us. I’m sure you’ll have many questions now that the time is approaching when your husband will marry again, if it pleases Allah. I anticipate that you’ll have many more questions if they marry.

    What you asked about finances isn’t an easy one to answer because, as you know, all marriages are different. How you spend the monies that Allah has entrusted you with depends a lot on you, your husband and his other wife.

    Allah tells us in the Quran who to spend our wealth on and how much to spend – such as don’t be niggardly, nor spend to your utmost reach. We are to be charitable and spend on a whole host of different types of people in varying circumstances. What you spend should be to benefit your soul as in doing good deeds to enter Jannah.

    What do you want to do? Do you want to continue to contribute to the household once your husband marries another or you don’t? Nothing is laid out in black and white about what a wife should spend in a marriage.

    You don’t have to spend your wealth on the household, if your husband will provide for you and your needs etc. Some women like doing helping out financially, and there is nothing wrong with it. Some don’t and there is nothing wrong with it, unless the husband is struggling.

    It would say a lot about a wife and her love or lack of love for her husband, if she sees him struggling and doesn‚Äôt want to help him. I don’t think any woman who loves her husband would want to see him undergoing a hardship and not try to help.

    If the woman your husband marries appears to be a good God fearing and God loving sister-in-faith, you may want to continue to help out. It would only benefit your soul, as you all would become family-like and work together to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

    If you find that it will be a burden on you, to continue contributing as you had while he has another wife, then stop contributing. Tell your husband that now that he has another wife, you need him to take care of you the same as he will take care of her. Let him know that you will not contribute any longer other than what you see fit.

    As I mentioned, it’s all relative. Some people start out contributing and then say, why am I taking care of someone who isn’t the type of woman that Allah tells men to marry and she’s not the type of woman I’d befriend. Allah tells us who to be friends with and who not to. In a case such as it, I’d suggest the wife let her husband use his resources to take care of the essentials.

    It really boils down to what the couple decide on after consulting with one another. There is no right or wrong answer, nor a particular way. We’re all supposed to be charitable whether male or female and spend as Allah tell us to. One must not lose sight of the fact hat Allah is the One who provide for all.

  • Maryam

    January 26, 2017

    Hi ladies, I’m still here ūüėČ but trying to pick up my life as it was. My husband is still not married again, so I enjoy this time.

     

    But I have an issue with¬† money and I don’t know how I must handle this.

    The last 2 years were financial very difficult for us, many months we¬†didn’t have enough money to buy food. We managed alhamdulillah by lending money from friends.

    So now we sold something and with this money he builds his apartment, buys his second wife gold, some furniture for the apartment. Things he never bought for me, because in the time we met he didn’t have money. So we bought our apartment and all things from my money (and some money of my family).

    This was never a problem for me. But now I feel a little bit uncomfortable with this. I mean I can also buy some things now which I needed or like, but I still see it as ‘it was originally from my own money’ so not from him.

    I like to know how I must deal with these feelings.

     

    And then there is the following.

    I just got some nice temporarily work (at home), nice paid.

    And I worked many years before I came here, and after a few months I will have every month money from this work.

    I don’t like share this money where I work for or have worked for with her. Is it okay to keep this money for myself? Not¬†that I want it just for myself, but more for the life of my husband and me.

     

    So many questions sometimes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Bano

    January 26, 2017

    Salaam

    Nargis try to put more energy in figuring out how your polygamous marriage can work and don’t let shaitan put thoughts in your head of how it can’t possibly work because there’s a way. There’s a solution to every problem. Don’t let your co see you sweat. InshaAllah wake up one morning soon and tell yourself life is too short. You love your husband he loves you. I know you’re tired of feeling the way you have been. It must be draining but it’s up to you to decide enough is enough. Shock the he** out of your husband lol. Take this opportunity to find yourself outside of your marriage, take up new hobbies. And most importantly take your free time on days he’s with his other wife to find Allah. Grow nearer to Him. Sometimes when we are not on the level of faith Allah wants us to be on He puts us in situations that’ll raise our level.

    Allah says ” And whoever turns away from my remembrance will indeed have a depressed life” Holy Quran 20:124

    Everyone have a wonderful Friday tomorrow.

  • xallma

    January 26, 2017

    Assalamualikum,

    Inspiring women you all are, you as your own. 

    The beauty I find reading the discussion is the sense that you all know that you and you alone will be standing in front of Allah swt.

    Sister Nargis, 

    Your words break my heart, I believe no man can ever understand the emotional uproar women go through in so many situations. But this blog is a beautiful place where Allah swt is the focus. 

    The path for ever trial and tribulation in this life is to turn to Allah swt. And trials are so testing but never lose your sense of value as a servant of Allah swt. You do matter and who do you matter to, Allah swt. 

    You say you were so strong and independent, maybe over time you lost that energy, maybe this trial is to re-establish yourself as a strong, resilient woman, with the help of Allah swt, to set an example to your children about women and Islam, This is a means of getting closer to Allah swt. Think about all the reward and good that can come out of this.

    Now, in no way does this mean you got to stick it out, Allah swt does not burden a soul more than it can handle, Allah swt has given many options and as sisters mention, patience and sticking out, or you can chose to part ways, of course you have loved this man and are extremely emotionally hurt and vulnerable at this moment in time, so ¬†making sense of whether you love him or not is not going to be clear, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the hurt, pour your heart out to Allah swt, his help is near. Go and scream somewhere, vent it out in a healthy way, you’ve already made such a courageous step by coming here and seeking help, so give yourself credit for that.

    Take your time to heal, forget about them for the moment, concentrate on yourself, do what you must to fulfill your duties as a muslim, so yes as Ana and Tunis have so beautifully put it, rise above this, be the beautiful graceful woman who conducts in the way pleasing to Allah swt. The reward of it will be with Allah swt, it is a fight against the Nafs, the greatest and hardest battle of all.

    Now going onto him not wanting to divorce, don’t worry about that, He’s trying to help, telling you he wants to maintain both households, thats his intention. I like to call it having his cake and eating it too, Islam allows it. But Islam has given you so much too My beautiful sister, at no turning has or will Allah swt abandon you.

    In every situation you can become a winner, if you do love him and stay, you will have triumphed as a woman with strength and patience, as well as finding solace in Allah swt alone. 

    If you chose to leave him, even if you do love him, you are giving your heart peace, you’ve tried time and time again, you’ve cried to Allah swt, you ask Allah swt to guide you and if Allah swt guides you to feel content in leaving this behind, Allah swt will give you the strength to stand firm as a Woman who knows what she wants, and it is not this.

    No option makes you weak, in one option you set up an example of a lawful practice and what can be a different structure of family, in the second option you will set an example of a woman strong enough to make decisions and also be calm, collected and respectful to all.

    He will always love his children, staying or leaving will not change that, maybe the dynamics of it, in terms of mum and dad are no longer married, or dad has a new wife, both situations will have positive and negative effect on the children, don’t for a second discount that one is always better than the other. In my opinion they weigh equal, the children as the grow up will have a mountain of questions, some you can answer with ease ie. I left Abu because mama was not happy or Abu married someone else, and Mama was not happy so mama left but we still love you lots and lots. other one could be Abu married someone else and it might not make sense, but Allah swt has allowed this, Abu still loves Mama but another aunty also needed help from Abu. I hope you get my drift.¬†

    BUT this is all a reminder to myself first and foremost, YOUR HEART! we always need to check our heart, it should always be full of love for Allah swt. All other love for Allah swt’s creation should come from that love, then that love serves a purpose in dunya and Akirah, you truly love all for the sake of Allah swt, it is a difficult station to reach, but with the help of Allah swt you can. When you reach this station, the attachment releases itself because you are attached to your creator. Do you know we can enslave our hearts to dunya and people, i.e some love money and others love their spouse or children, but these are all blessings and trials in different ways. When your heart belongs to Allah swt, attachment, expectation, everything begins to melt away because you become attached to Allah swt, I pray we all get there. Ameen

    NO decision you take reflects on you being weak, whatever decision you make is a long road, but everything with the help of Allah swt is attainable. Either way it will be between yourself and Allah swt and getting stronger, the emotional battle in each is exceptionally hard, some will find it more in line to leave, Alhamdulillah and have faith in Allah swt that better days are ahead, love can be diminished if not fed, i.e over time as much as you’ve loved him, the level of deceit may make it a love that was not as strong or whole as you thought it was. And this action, with no blame on Allah swt for making it lawful was done by a fallible human, your husband. It has hurt you and Allah swt knows.¬†

    Others will stick out in the situation, accepting that their husband has done something Lawful stipulated in the Qur’an. Alhamdulillah. They learn and grow in a different way. The hurt is there, and a lot of work on rebuilding the relationship to be in a form that is in line with what is pleasing to Allah swt.¬†

     No decision is wrong and no decision is right, it is just the best decision that the person has taken at that point in time. Yes shaytan does play around, in either situation, Allah swt has made both options Halal for you, shaytans battle is to overcome each and every human, as long as you stay strong in faith in Allah swt in whichever decision you choose, Allah swt will always help you.

    Always remember our Prophet saw, he was the best example, and no one can be as beautiful as him, his purpose behind the marriages ranged from looking after the divorced, widowed, spreading the message of Islam through link to tribes, and he did all this with the permission of Allah swt.

    The Prophet saw also told Ali r.a that he is to divorce Fatima r.a if he wishes to marry again. So my beautiful sister the answers are there in the Quran and Sunnah, beseech Allah swt for help, cry, grovel, talk, never stop asking for help, Our Rabb is beautiful in how he answers our dua, Allah swt brings ease to hardships. And in time all will fall into place, and you watch you will look back and cry and smile and laugh when you realise how Allah swt out of his love and mercy saw you through your time of trial and tribulation.

    Read the dua of Yunus a.s, that is a beautiful dua mentioned in the Quran. 

    All good I have said is from Allah swt and anything wrong is from myself, May Allah swt forgive me

    SO much love for you all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Salam 

    Ana, you are right . I need to buck up and accept the situation for what it is now. This is prob how it is going to continue for sometime I guess. He is being torn between us . He did tell me that if he wanted a divorce from me he would have done so already. In fact it would be a much more peaceful situation than it is now with us divorced instead of handling two wives. 

    I just wish he would stop falling her shit but it’s something I cannot control. Me asking questions and needing his kindness and wanting the talk and discuss her being like this…etc is just making me needy, insecure in his eyes and I will lose all my respect in my own eyes soon.¬†

    If this marriage is meant to survive in Allah s eyes then good. If not then I guess I will have to take that risk too.  But I will try and not bow down to his her her tactics..

    I need to just trust in Allah that he has put me in this situation for a reason and I need to handle it with grace and kindness no matter how I am being treated but also to take a stand not to take shit from her or anyone else. 

    I read a quote saying Allah gives his strongest soldiers the toughest problems. I guess we all here have our own problems to deal with but nothing cannot be overcome.. 

    Inshallah I shall grow stronger day by day and may my weaker days be fewer and fewer. 

    Thank you all..

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I suggest that you take your husband at his word that he does not want to divorce you. He loves you and he wants to remain married to you. If a man really wants to be with another woman badly enough to the point he feels and thinks that he can’t live without her, you best believe he’d divorce the other wife in a heartbeat.

    Stop second guessing yourself. It’s Satan who is telling you that your husband is only staying with you for all and any reason besides love. Satan wants you to be miserable and listen to him to keep you upset and wants you to fight with your husband. Keep it up and you may end up divorced.

    You said you keep asking questions and your husband says things that hurts you more. Read the signs. He’s getting fed up with you badgering him and being all over him like a cheap suit. He may begin to think it’s best to leave you so that he will have some peace. You best believe his other one is giving him a hard time and racking his nerves the same as you are.

    You said his behavior has changed and he acts as though he doesn’t want you. You need to consider that his other is probably pressuring him. She’s probably hard pressuring him to get him to make you do as she wants. He comes home to you aggravated from dealing with her about you. He may see you as the problem because you don’t dance to their beat. DON’T DO IT. Get your own rhythm. Let him see a stand up person in you. Be nice, but FIRM. Demand respect by standing your ground and not let them walk all over you. Don’t forget to be nice; it’s the hard part when you’re agitated and aggravated. Sigh

  • ummof4

    January 25, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tunis, I loved your post to Nargis and I second all that you said. ¬†Allah says in the Qur’aan many times that he will test us. ¬†We have to be the obedient servants of Allah to pass the tests.

     

  • Nargis

    January 25, 2017

    Salam

    Thank you for the kind words Ana and Tunis.

    I do fear that he will spend less time with me than he already does. I do still love him unfortunately and the kids love him too. He still treats the kids with the same love ShukranAllah. 

    I am not worried about him divorcing as that is in my hands. He has made it clear that he will not divorce me but If I want then I am free to divorce him. Do you think he is being this way as he wants me to leave him instead. If that is the case and there is no love from his side then I would prefer not to remain in a marriage like this than suffer and burn everyday. The reason I am even hanging on is the belief that we both still love each other and that polygamy will not change his love towards me. 

    He had told me earlier that he still loves me and wants me to be his wife still but unfortunately after his ¬†changed behaviour it doesn’t look like he even really wants me.. It’s clear she is his priority.

    So am I lowering my respect by taking this shit from both of them? 

    I was never so weak. Always been strong and independent and confident. But this has really really lowered my confidence and self esteem. Do you think that is why he doesn’t respect me anymore. I am prob being more clingy etc and trying to change my ways too but sometimes it is tough.

    I love the idea of being graceful and kind to her and him irrespective of how I am treated. But I am but human and would love to see some kindness and understanding from him too. I SOMETIMES wish that I would start to hate him for the way he is with me now so that I can divorce him without regret and move on with my life. 

    This is me ¬†just trying to verbalise the confusion I feel. I don’t know what to feel and think at the moment . When he is dismissive of me and my feelings, that makes me feel more low and that ¬†in Turn makes me more insecure and I question him with stupid questions and he says stuff that hurts me more.

    But thanks a ton Tunis. You did make a lot of sense. Will try and take yours and Ana’s advice. It really feels nice to have somebody understand my side of things as well.

    Shukran Sisters

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Awww, what a wonderful, beautiful post you wrote to nargis. I love it. It was so soft, gentle, sweet and inspiring. It was for all of us. Alhumdulliah! It was awesome. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    I think you called it right that nargis may fear that her husband will divorce her or spend more time with the other and less with her, if she doesn’t do his bidding. He’s strong arming her and being a bully. He’ll get his (Allah sees and knows all things.)

    nargis,

    Insha Allah, the next time that you go to one of your children’s¬† outing with him and and she’s there, do as tunis advised, be kind and cordial to them. Additionally, the whole time that you are there, Zikr (Remember) Allah constantly. Keep repeating his name and his attributes and don’t let up, not for a minute. You’ll be surprised how calm and at peace you’ll become.

    If you’re anything like I am, when you do it, you’ll begin to beam and glow. I was at an outing with my husband recently and the wife of one of his co-workers came up to me. She said that she kept looking at me and kept seeing this big round glowing face. I smiled and thought to myself -it’s the nur (light) of Allah.

    I see people staring at me a lot where ever I go. I’m not saying this to boast or brag. I just want to let all know that remembering Allah is awesome and the benefit are noticeable and amazing, not only on the inside but the outside as well.

  • tunis

    January 24, 2017

    Hello Nargis.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif..I hope things went better for you the following day you were to attend your child’s sporting event..?

    ¬† I really empathizes with you.¬† Regarding your situation, sister..do you FEAR a divorce from your husband IF you¬† INSIST¬† on your right of not wanting to interact too much or just yet, with the co-wife….¬† Or you fear¬† him staying away from you..temporarily…spending more time with her.? etc etc..¬†

    ¬†¬† Its like a no win situation..yeah…but chin up dear…Don’t let that stop you from voicing¬† how it makes you feel sweetie !…be dignified and royal, but gracious and kind at the same time.. when dealing with them. ¬†

    ¬† If hubby brings or invites Co to what ever functions.. in future..? and doesn’t seem to respect or be sensitive to your needs..(I guess it is allowed,,after all they are his kids and that’s his other wife)… SO¬† be brave and continue your nice behavior towards¬† her, regardless of how she thinks its fake or not.

    .SO WHAT !!¬† THAT’S HER PROBLEM¬† and HIS TOO ! his attitude !¬† they will both be accountable b4 Allah…¬† just look at it THAT WAY when ever ya’ll must¬† get together…maybe it will help you journey thru this ,… because it seems like you still love him…

    and sooner or later…if you can¬† show no signs that it bothers you..(that’s where the help from Allah comes in…focusing on Him..like the sisters say..reading Quran..praying..that life is about Allah..and are we ready to meet Him) ….she’ll get off her high horse and humble herself b4 Allah..before it’s too late.¬†

    And inshallah your husband will see that dignity in you and come around.

    ¬† I believe if you can do this ..you’ll be fine.¬† We all SHOULD strive to be the better muslims… regardless¬† of whether¬† our HUSBANDS are SUPPOSE to know better…who says that??…maybe they just don’t…YET ?¬† so there again we can choose our happiness ..and I choose Allah.¬†¬† And I thank Him for this blog..because I too see the blessings in my establishing regular worship and focus on Allah and where my emotions may take me..to Allah or away from Him.¬† Sisters here encourage that ¬† and remind¬† of this.

    ¬† When you fear you might loose something…as in my case .. my children.. who were threatening and¬† breaking ties with us……because hubby became polygamous…I felt under pressure to divorce..and why..we did no wrong here…it was like a wake up call for me.( well I am glad I saw it that way..alhamdulilah) ….to test my convictions in the word of Allah(Quran) and¬† where I was in my relationship with Him….so¬† my husband becoming polygamous and how my children saw our married life together( one daughter said I obeyed hubby more than God)…made me realize what I needed to change …Allah knew what I needed…I am grateful I got to see it …that He allowed me to draw nearer to Him thru this.

    So Nargis…if anything I am saying makes sense..which I hope it does…I am loosing track here.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif..be a good person..you love your husband…Allah made us spouses to love…so don’t hold back on your showing him how you love him.(being discreet and all, of course)..like playing stupid minds games.attitudes….don’t go there…like the recent post of Ana’s…a quote she posted..love it..”When a husband and wife love Allah first, they love each other better”.¬† Maybe you’re feeling¬† it’s¬† one sided right now. because of your focusing on him. And BTW, if you feel someone can talk to him..that might be a good thing too..as sisters have suggested..inshallah.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Bano

    January 24, 2017

    Sister Ana thank you for your warm welcome.

    A lot of tears has been shed but Allah is so so Compassionate. Indeed after pain comes ease. Allah will bring you through anything one just has to observe patience and persevere.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Nargis,

    You asked if you should love your husband less. I’ve written a post/thread/article about it, as it’s a question others have asked, as well. It’s: Should She Love Her Polygamous Husband Less

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Ummof4 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I meant to let you know that I absolutely love the analogy that you gave about the women who when in monogamous marriages tolerate what they don’t like about their husbands, but make it monumental when the husbands become polygamous. It was so easy for them to overlook their husbands’ faults when they were monogamous. When they bring the other women into the picture, the husbands suddenly become the most horrific persons in the world. Of course, I exaggerated a bit LOL

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Bano, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so nice that you are here. The more silent readers who come forward and contribute the better. It’s good to have a wife who married her husband in the order of third here to contribute and to help us all, especially a sister who’s been in a polygamous marriage for a lengthy amount of time. You’ve probably have had many trials and tribulations. Thank you much for your kind words, as well. I look forward to conversing with you, my sister. Alhumdulliah.

  • Bano

    January 23, 2017

    as salaamualaikum sisters. I’ve been a silent reader for a few years now. I’m ready to introduce myself. It’s only right. I’m a born American Muslim. I’m a third wife now for going on a decade. I have learnt soooo much on this blog. I take the advice given here very seriously and try my utmost best to implement everything into my daily life and it has worked wonders. I thank Allah for guiding me here at just the right time. Sister Ana may Allah bless you indefinitely, and all the sisters here who continue to write and make this blog what it is today. May Allah shower His everlasting Mercy, Forgiveness and Protection upon you all and strengthen us all to become better Muslims and grow nearer to Him out of love and Obedience for Him and not wait until we are in a predicament and have no where else to turn but to Him. We are here on this earth solely to worship Allah alone. Everything else is background noise. Have a blessed day you all

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    So many different types of people come here that we deal with:

    There are some who earnestly want to learn, and feel better. They want to accept polygamy as a way of life that Allah allows. They are lovely people to deal with.

    Then there are some who pretend to their husbands and to their co-wives that they are accepting and so okay with polygamy, righteous and all, BUT then they come here and let all hell lose on us

    And then there are those who hate and blame the wife who married second or hate the thought of any woman marrying second and they come here and beat on any and all wived on this blog who married second

    Another group are those who hate everything about polygamy, won’t accept anything about polygamy, not only won’t accept it, but wants it outlawed. They try to cite any reason imaginable to support their position that Islam doesn’t allow it, as it’s out dated and the like.

    So, we’re dealing with all kinds. It can get exhausting.

    Oh, oh, and then there are those who get pissed off at me and turn on me like a sick dog (with rabies). Those I don’t even post LOL Some shock the hell out of me.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Umm of2,

    It certainly is amazing. It’s said that she wasn’t taking any fertility pills or anything. She was on the birth control pill and then decided she wanted to have a baby. So, she went off them and bam, it happened. Supposedly when one goes off birth control pills, it’s super easy to become pregnant right away (if Allah wills it). My mom had my younger sister and brother who are twins after she forgot to take her birth control pills.

  • Umm of2

    January 23, 2017

    Omg sis Ana six children at once that’s AMAZING. Allah is so Kind So Powerful. There s nothing He cannot do ūüôā

    verysad confused antimistress is back oh boy. Well I guess she never left. Didn’t she say before she’s a revert now she’s saying she’s born Muslim I mean which one is it. She supposedly got what she wanted. Had her husband divorce his other wife for her. I know she’s living in misery. Things will never be the same between her and her husband ever again. He’s a dog on a leash. At her beacon call. She really needs help. Why does she keep coming back spreading negativity. When she first posted I honestly had a feeling it was someone who posted here before but didn’t know who. You can really figure out who a person is in a few days after about five posts.¬†

    Anyway nargis I agree you should find someone to speak to your husband. What they’re doing to you is not right. The choice is yours whether you want to have a friendship with her or not, never want to cross paths with her or not. This is so wrong on so many levels. Then she’s all up in your face at your child’s games come on. May Allah rectify your affairs¬†

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post to Nargis was very nice! I agree with you that for her to talk with her husband and his other about the situation probably won’t yield any good results.They seem to want to rule her life and enslave her. It’s sooo not good. Insha Allah, she’ll get someone to talk with her husband and they’ll be able to do an intervention so to speak. I definitely don’t think that she should give into her husband and his other.

    Ummof4, I’m so happy to hear one of your sisters took the Shahadah. I always wanted to have at least one biological family member take the Shahadah. Insha Allah, maybe someone will.

    I have some interesting news. I just learned that my younger sister’s stepdaughter is pregnant with 6 children. I think she’s in her early 30s.

  • ummof4

    January 23, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I pray that Confused finds the help that she needs.  When people come on the blog using different names they still sound the same, so I wonder why they bother changing their name.

    Nargis, I was going to make the same suggestion that someone else made. ¬†Find someone whose opinion your ¬†husband respects (other than you) and ask the person to talk to him about how he and his other wife are treating you. ¬†I don’t remember if you both come from Muslim families or what the culture is, but if the family is Muslim and is willing to listen to the both of you, I suggest you talk to your families as the Qur’aan says to do.

    Based on what ¬†you have told us, I don’t think that talking to your husband or his other wife will do any good. ¬†Make du’ah that the situation will change soon. ¬†If they have a child together, maybe she will not feel that she has to be so attached to your children. ¬†How do your children feel about her being such a large part of their lives?

    Nargis, you mentioned that your husband’s other wife who used to be your best friend gave up her religion for him. ¬†What does that mean? ¬†And if they did have an illegal relationship before marriage, that explains to me why she feels she should have the upper hand, particularly if she is much younger than him and has a lot of money.

    As far as family functions, in my situation my husband was not close to his blood family. ¬†He and I were the only Muslims in each of our families for many years. ¬†Alhamdulillah one of his sisters took her shahaadah a few years ago, but we still don’t live in the same city as his family. ¬†So on my husband’s side of the family, we did not attend any of his family’s functions. ¬†My husband would attend some of my blood family functions with me occasionally, and he would do the same for his other wife. ¬†As far as community activities we would often attend the same activities. ¬†If it was my night with my ¬†husband, he would attend with me, and if it was her night, he would attend with her. ¬†My co-wife never insisted that she be with my children, even though she was kind to them, they spent the night at the other house if I was out of town for business, and they still see her as their stepmother. ¬†Remember, my children are all grown now, with their own children, but they grew up in polygyny.

    Everyone, please make sure to make all your salahs on time and thank Allah for blessing you with the gift of Islaam.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Nargis,

    I’m with Serena about what’s happening to you. I can’t say it any better than she did. She summed it up nicely.

    I suggest you look into making your intention to leave him, if he doesn’t back off you and let you be. You don’t have to have any dealings with that woman. Nothing in Islam and about polygamy says you need to have her become a part of your life. If you don’t want to be bothered with her, you don’t have to. She is his wife, not yours.

    She’s imposing herself on you and it’s taking a toll on you and your health. It’s not worth it. She’s trying to make you do what she wants you to do. If you try to make your husband happy, at any and all cost, and continue to put him before Allah, you will suffer indefinitely.

    You asked how long you will go through this devastation. Allah knows best. He put you in it and only He can make it better for you or take you out of it.

    I read an ayah this morning that may help you:

    “Or, Who listens to the [soul] distressed when it calls on Him, and Who relieves its suffering, and makes you [mankind] inheritors of the earth? [Can there be another] god besides Allah? Little it is that ye heed!”

    Quran: Surah 27, Ayah 62

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    FYI:

    The person who posted as “Confused” has posted here before under the usernames: “VerySad”; “Anti-Mistress” and “From My Experience”. To refresh your memory, in her initial post as “VerySad”, she said she was a revert Muslim married to a Pakistani man. She said he married an Algerian woman whom he divorced and he and his family came crawling back to her (VerySad) begging her forgivenss.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Goodbye “Confused”. This blog is not for you. You’re too confused…

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Those who believe in the Hereafter, strive for the Hereafter. Those who don’t believe in the Hereafter don’t strive for the Hereafter (and they get the Hell Fire). Allah says that we get what we strive for.

    Confused,

    Allah says in the Quran that if all got together to try to put together a book similar to the Quran or the likes of the Quran, they couldn’t do it. Allah says that.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Confused,

    Allah says in the Holy Quran that He has included in the Quran all that we need. He says the Quran is replete with knowledge. Furthermore, Allah says He left out of the Quran what was in His earlier Books (Torah; Gospel and others) that we no longer need, and He has added to the Quran what we need that was not in His earlier Books. He says the Quran is a confirmation of what was in the Books that came before it – the Books being the Torah, Gospel and others of His Books referred to in the Quran. The Quran is a fuller explanation of His earlier Books. He says that He, Himself, has protected the Quran and the Quran is the only Book that He has protected. I believe Allah. I believe what He says.

    In the Quran Allah tells us how to perform wudu. He tells us when to pray. He tells us the positions to pray in. He tells us the direction to pray in.

    Allah says that He taught Adam the names of all things. What Prophet Adam (PBUH) learned was passed down from generation to generation.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lead people in prayer. People learned from him in the flesh. It was passed down from generation to generation. It was passed down the same as someone taught you how to wash your face and body. Did you need a book to read to show you and teach you how to brush your teeth and wash your face?

    No body here is telling people to live the way ISL is propagating. What they teach is not Islam. So, what are you talking about? This blog is about following the dictates of the Quran and it’s for those who have a positive outlook of polygamy, specifically from an Islamic perspective.

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Sorry lots of misspells, not on fault based but daily.

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Correction about Fatima/Ali hadith instead first one I meant veryfied

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Ana, without offences (not trying attack as well), just curious, have question for u. If I got right, u don’t rely on hadith. In such cases how do pray, make woozoo, ghusl & lots of other things all of muslim do on fault basis because most of it comes from sira or hadith. I guess u don’t accept hadith about Fatima & Ali as well even though it’s ¬†very first one. Sorry & correct me if wrong in my guessing a as I didn’t read too much on this blog.

    Serena, I’ m not Asian but Arab. Yes, polygamy is not encouraged in my country anymore. Because in most cases it brings more destroy & dysfunctionality to both households. It affects kids badly.¬†

    Our women fought centuries for basic rights like education or walk in streets without guard, or cover in full black bag in 50 degrees hot. So sad to see that newly converted women grew in West, abandon rights ( like Khadija left education to please husband).?

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Serena,

    “Confused” simply rejects Faith. She falls into that category. Allah, in the Quran, talks about those people. Confused praised her unbelieving ancestors. Basically, she’s said she follows the ways of her forefathers. REALLY? Even though they were devoid of Faith? Allah, in the Quran, talks about those who tear the Quran into shreds (only accept portions of his Book (The Quran). They only accept the parts that they like and reject the others. “Confused” doesn’t believe that the Quran is for all mankind and all times, evidenced by her view of polygamy. Those people who believe as she does are going to the Hell Fire. They are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. So to talk to them is like this.

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Nargis

    Why don’t you get someone to talk to your husband? The two of them are emotionally abusing you and you continue to give in. Why are you still talking to her while trying to heal. It’s not helping you. You need to be firm otherwise she is going to run your marriage.¬†Sister it’s affecting your health. Think about you and your kids. What can your huabamd possibly do if you say you don’t want her there at child’s event? Nargis put your foot down sis stop being a doormat.¬†

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Confused

    With the views you have no wonder you having nightmare about your husband getting married again. 

    Some born Muslims especially the asians find it difficult to accept polygamy because culture gets mixed with religion.

    Majority Reverts when they accept Islam they accept everything about Islam including polygamy.

    People struggle in monogamy as well as polygamy. What you mean spit in the face of grandmothers and mothers? They not going to take you to Jannah. You can’t please people to go against Allah.

  • khadijah

    January 23, 2017

    welp, so much for support,

     

    I was only trying to point out that given the fact that in the real world most polygamist marriages seem to be negative, and are talked about in such a way, and usually it is precipitated by some form of lying or shadiness on the part of the brothers for whom it is a responsibility, and since they are usually the ones to choose this not the sisters, it makes logical sense that they often receive the blame. as I said there is no shortage of family, community, Imams, and scholars all to ready to blame the wifes wearing Pajamas as the reason men take second wives.

     

    I try my best to make sure all of my actions are for the sake of Allah, but I don’t think wanting just a little appreciation from my family makes me anything other than human….

     

    I am so sick of having to be guarded , everywhere I cannot just be honest…. can’t be who I am with my parents, can’t tell DH really how I feel or risk him being crushed (like I am), can’t tell my friends without them criticizing all the things. can’t even come onto an anonymous support blog and point out why logically men get most of the negative attention (although that is debate-able in the real world as I have said).¬† ONCE AGAIN I WASN’T attempting to tear down ALL the men about all the things….. and I am unsure how you go that.

     

    as to pp about the difference with a monogamous marriage vs polygamous, yes I can see why women would tend to accept more questionable traits when monogamous and be more upset about them when polygamous , perhaps she feels the marriage is less important or she has less love and respect for her husband, since she feels he has less for her.  Since she becomes less important to him he becomes less important to her. that is slightly petty, but I can to a point understand why.

     

    oh and I didn’t really ask for your pity either ana, I remember the days of you calling your husband during HER time and yelling at him, and how devastated you were, so, I was hoping you might provide an open ear to other women’s frustrations and perhaps angers as you have BTDT. I guess not. that is fine, i can see how once you moved past it you may not want to think about it.

     

    truth be told I was looking for advice and someone to listen, more on the practical and emotional level. I know how to make myself a better person Islamically,I already pray and fast, and read quran and teach my kids the same, and make dhikr and give charitably. and seek to further my knowledge with what little alone time I have. believe it or not I am not some awful person without any knowledge or belief or action. I strive for my best.

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Oh, Confused, I reread your post. You came here about your nightmare. Anyhow, thanks for dropping in!

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Confused,

    So, my question to you is why are you here on this blog?

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Ana thanks for time article regarding my question however it was not helpful. U see I just lightly went through the blog & realised the majority women struggling polygamy are converts. I m born muslim & like most born muslim at women, would never tolerate it (unless living in village in Afghanistan or Somali). I understand that converts are more extrems. Our mother & grandmother suffered enough for human rights, which unfortunately very limited in shariah countries. Accepting polygamy would be like spit to the face of our mothers & grandmothers. Specially now in West, muslim polygamy not about orphans & widows anymore but ” sugar daddy buying sugar baby”. Good luck.

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    I do apologize if I am complaining too much. But there is no other place I can bare my heart. I feel I can only talk openly to women who are and have gone through what I am going through.

    One last thing.. my husband thinks she has sacrificed a lot for him as her parents were totally against this marriage, she is 17 years younger to him and filthy rich to boot, he feels she could have gotten someone way better but she seems to have chosen him because she loves him so much. That she has sacrificed her life for him! She has given up her religion. She is a doctor but doesnt practice only cause she wants to spend all day with him so apparently that is anotther sacrifice on her part.

    She actually accepts him with a wife and children. So that is unconditonal love etc..

    She tells him I have given up everything for you. 

    He believes it…

    I mean.. no one put a gun to her head. She used to always praise my husband to me.. always said he is such a nice guy so respectful etc. You are so lucky. She was previously in two bad relationships so its obvious that she wanted him as well. So why make it seem as if she has done some great favour for him. She trampled on our friendship.. she wanted him amd went to great lengths to ge him and she got him!

    She actually told me that there was obviously something wrong with my marriage if he could fall in love with her.

    Saying Mashallah what a beautiful family to my face while doing this behind my back.

    I mean.. what I am trying to say is.. she wanted what she wanted. She got ehat she wanted. When we were going through some issues in our marriage she listened to my conversations pretending to be my friend but was busy trying on his side telling him that our marriage was not working for a reason. When he made it clear that he would never leave me she immediately said oh no no..that is not what I meant..

    I mean.. I want to move on.. I am trying to be friend with her as I feel if I have negativity towards her I will never be able to move forward. 

    She haas he balls to tell me.. We have not done anything wrond.this is allowed in Islam. I said I know it allowed. But the way it happened is wrong. Give me time to heal. Give me time to invite you myself to my house and into my house before. Let me do it happy and willingly myself instead of you demanding it and making my husband forcing me to accept the plans you both make instead of just shoving it down my throat. 

    But then.. cue her tears.. I have spoilt her name with my in laws apparently..

    She says that she feels cheap as I made its sound that it was an affair before. But the point is.. IT WAS AN AFFAIR before he married her. They went around for 6 months before they got married THEN waited a year to tell me!

    I mean.. I know I am rambling and repeating stuff.. but i am still so hurt. And then instead of expecting some kindness and understanding.. I am told told to get over it.. theae things are very common ad I am not the first woman whose husband gets another wife.

    I tell him I know.. But. Am still a human being with feelings so I have the rights to feel hurt etc..

    So basically am I taking too long to get over it.. I know I need to get strong and move ahead.. but am I taking taking too long.

    I told him some women take years to get over this.. he says..I am nit married to some other woman. I am married to you. So if u say you love me then prive it and accept this happily. And soon. So we can get on with our lives. Peacefully . 

    Yep. This is the story so far. My child has another sport event tomorow and after our last convo I am dreading facing her. If I dont talk and smile to her she complains That I am making he feel awkward. 

    That I am putting her down if I ignore her when she is around. When it kills me and I try to be friendly to her.. its not enough for her and she says I am forcing myself.. so its fake. 

     

    I am so done sometimes.. I am actually stressing about tomo already. 

    I hope all goes well. Hope Allah gives me the strength to get through tomo with grace amd patience..

     

     

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    I am so confused. Do the women who have accepted polygamy gracefully managed it because they stop caring as much about their husbands and only turn to Allah now. 

    Do they love their husbands less now?

    Are they in comfortable relationships with their co wives?

    How do they attend family functions with their in laws when everyone stays in the same country and state?

    Do both the co wives attend the functions or weddings or whatver together?

    How does it work. I reaaly wish my co lived in another country or state just so I have some breathing space from her. But infortunately she is just 15-20 min away from where I live…

     

     

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    My husband was never selfish man. Always sacrificed for his family. Stood by me through thick and thin. 

    Respects women. Never speaks in a loud voice to women. A great father to the kids. But now its like he is almost a different person sometimes. 

    He says he will not stand disrespect to her. 

    Well what about disrespect to me?

    He says no one is showing disrespect to me as She has no problems with me so why  do I have a problem with her and keep her at a distance?

    I mean.. am I being overly sensitive?

    I had actually met her some days back asking her to give me some space including give my husband and me some space as well. I dont like the fact that she calls and msgs him when he is with me… and that creates tension between us..she works with my husband so even when its my time with him she calls on the pretext of work to get him out of the house even when he has just about stepped home to have lunch with me.. she knows when its work.. my hubby will run!

    So I said.. give him time with me.. I felt so shit that I had to literally request her to give me time with my husband..

    She created so much of a fuss and completely turned my words around amd went tattling to him saying that I  said that she is creating problems between us and that she is not giving us space and that she is already giving us so much space what more do I want. I dont acknowledge her as his other wife as I dont give her the freedom to call whenever she wants etc..  I mean.. WHAT THE HELL?

    She said that its work.. what can I do..

    So I told her.. well it can wait at least for half hour or an hour right?

    Man.. she started crying..my hubby actually told me to back off.. she is helping him with his work so I dont need to tell her shit..

     

    I was so mad. I wanted to have a heart to heart with her as I didnt want more negative feelings to creep in but she completely screwed me over. She yold him that I will never accept her as his other wife so she wont even bother trying yo be nice to me? That he and the kids were her family and she is done with me etc etc..

    How is he not seeing my side. I ky her side.. her feelings.. 

    How long will I have to go througjlh this shitty nonsense.. till she wants it??

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    Salam

    Dear Laila Khadija and Ana

    Thank you for the advice and the kind words.

    I just cannot figure my husband out. This man used to stand by me like a rock. Not the most romantic of men, but his actions used to speak volumes. He would hate to see me upset. 

    I understand the Honeymoon stage you ladies are talking about..but what is this complete 360 change. 

    Just 2 days back was the finals to my child’s soccer match.¬†

    Now, I obviously wanted ONLY my husband and me to attend. 

    But he actually told me.. I have invited her..and she is coming. So when I told him well I dont feel comfortable about it…¬†

    His reply.. I cant do anything if you feel incomfortable. She wants to come and more importantly I want her to be there! Literally broke my heart I tell you. 

    Does he not understand how I feel?

    He says.. they are my children too.. and she is very attached to them.. so she WILL come to any events functions as she is my family.  And I will not leave her out just because you dont feel good.

    I feel..who is this man?

    Everything is about disrespect to her. He will be fine with me one day. Spends time with her. Comes back in an awful mood. And then again it about her feeling disrespected and cast aside and no importance given to her etc..

    I tell him..you were fine yestersay.. why do you get so caught up with hwr feelings and not give a shit about mine?

    He was so so nice when I first gound out. The first couple of weeks he was an angel. 

    Then slowly he started saying that she feels disrespected that I havent accepted her as his other wife as I want nothing to do  with her etc..

    Before we all used to go out to lunch picnics trips mostly together..but does she expect the same now??

    Who cares abiut what she wants??

    Does he?? Does he not think that everytime I think about or see her I feel a burning pain in my heart. That I will and still need more time?

    Is 5 months enough for me to get iver this betrayal? 

    Sometimes he still shows glimpses of mu old husband..but at the end of the day.. he is totally falljng for her bull and always, ALWAYS supporting her..

    Curse my heart..that after all this shit I still live him. I am def not staying in for financial reasons..

    Comes down to the same old question. If she can accept me being his wife why should I have a problem with her?

    Why should I feel hurt apparently?

    He is totally and always on her side..and even when I can clearly see him being manipulated He doesnt understand it..

    She had gone to her parents house for 4 days last week. Its was SO SO SO peaceful without her tantrums etc.. but now that she is back.. he comes to me stressed and angry and grumpy and Then mostly we end up fighting..

    Dont mistake me.. I know that deep inside he still loves me.. but I dont know if I can take this much more till things calm down.. 

    I am actually getting blackouts, I get chest pain etc..

    And you are right Laila, I have to look after myself and I should not expect anyone to do it.. but as Khadija says.. is it too much to expect my husband to at least stand by me sometimes?

    Sorry for the outburst..but I am having a bad day. 

    Yesterday I came down with full on depression and I am still feeling low. 

    I do have my strong days where I try not to give a damn about them and concentrate on my kids etc..but unfortunately he is a big part of my life.. and when he comes pissed or depressed from there..it affects me too..

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Ana

    I know. I have been meaning to post for days but just never got round to it. I didn’t want to rush a reply.¬†

    It would definitely be helpful if more silent readers posted.  Also am hoping Jasmina Karima Saira Nargis Crystal are well. 

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Serena,

    It’s why it’s good and helpful when people SPEAK UP, participate and comment because people have different ways of speaking and deliverance. Everyone is not the same.

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Asalamualaiykum

    We need to take it easy with sister Khadijah. She came here for support and is going through a difficult time and all sorts of questions are going through her head. I have been reading her posts and it seems like she is trying to deal with her husband marrying another. We need to advise her with kind words.

    We have people like umm of4 who is always positive mashaAllah. She seems to be doing well and speaks of how she managed with her husband having other wives. She doesn’t boast but is a good example for woman who are struggling.

    Khadijah

    It may seem like woman are the ones who have to make all the sacrifices while the men get away with everything and get what they want based on what is on this blog.

    Khadijah we have to remember this life is not going to be perfect and if men want a perfect life at the expense of the life to come than let them live their life that way. We can only advise them and remind them of their duties to Allah and wife/wives and duties as a Muslim. We can’t force the men to act a certain way. We can’t make them pious or less selfish or caring. They will be accountable for their deeds just like us.¬†

    So it may seem like they are getting away with everything but Khadijah the akhira awaits them. Allah is Just, All Hearing and Seeing so leave them to Allah let Allah deal with them.

    Remember husband getting another wife happens because Allah decreed it to happen. We can’t change that nor do we know what lies ahead.¬†

    No one forces anyone to stay in a toxic marriage. Woman should not make out that they are victims stuck in a unhappy marriage. They have choices too. Also when you do something do it to gain reward from Allah. Don’t expect anything from humans in return that way you won’t be disappointed. ¬†Just thank Allah all times and whether happy or sad. It is easier said especially with shaytan whispering negatives but we need to make an effort to become a better person in the eyes of Allah.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2017

    Khadijah. The reason why you have noticed so much of negativity is because this is the platform for everyone – Muslim or not who are in polygamous relationships / marriage who are going through a lot in their lives. They share all their secrets here because sometimes in reality we cannot share all this even with good friends. Because women who aren’t in this sort of set up will never really understand or be able to give you sound advice. Sometimes this is also a safe place to just vent it out. Hopefully through the responses here, there are those who have a better marriage and become women who don’t dwell on the past. I’ve noticed women who no longer comment regularly as in the past here in the blog have probably healed and are having a better life. Some still comment till today because of the sisterly bonds made here. But as what Ana has stated, this is a place for women to get any form of therapy and hopefully some sound advice. So Khadijah, I just had to share this with you and make it clear as to why you end up reading stuff that you never thought you would.¬†

  • Laila

    January 23, 2017

    Salam. Ummof4 and Ana. As usual life has its demands and yes I’ve been a bit busier than the usual. I think I will in the future say that I married my husband second if that helps or clears tha air. However, my reply to Nargis I think should not be analyzed to the extent of overthinking matters. Polygamy isn’t an easy path for the wives and husband. Everyone’s has their share of sadness, anger and pent up frustrations. How do we deal with it? Prayer always helps. But it is also important that as a woman, you decide what are the barriers that would help you in the first few years. Remember overcoming all issues is not a one year process. Some people / couples take years. All I’m saying to Nargis is don’t expect anything from her husband now. He is not going to give it because of the circumstances. He’s remarried and won’t see it her way. He will start to come around when things have settled and yes when she intelligently also does not get tangled up in the drama. Then, the truth will unfold. I too have experienced that sometimes we all go into that depressed state. Do we always run to our husbands? How did we function when we weren’t married? We sort of handled it ourselves isn’t it? Now please don’t take me out of context. I am encouraging assestiveness and responsibility for oneself. That is all. It’s up to you to handle matters and how affected you might be at the end of the day. Some battles are best just ignored. Why shed blood and be a hero? Did it even help you? You wasted all your energy, time and best of all you spoilt your day.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Khadijah,

    You said you gave up so much and sacrificed for your husband. If you did it seeking the good pleasure of Allah, He’ll reward you for it. If you did it to please your husband – well that’s a different story. If you’re not feeling good about the sacrifices you’ve made and think you got the short end of the stick etc. then you need to rethink why you did all those things. You wouldn’t feel any loss or think you’ve lost anything if you’ve done it to seek Allah’s pleasure.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    You said, the problems are all over the blog and maybe if we had positive examples it would be better. You need to realize that this is not a place for people to come and gloat about how wonderful their marriage is and sh!t all over the people who are dealing with issues or having a difficult time. There was a commentator here who did that daily, each and every day for over a year. It didn’t and it doesn’t help.

    You’re saying there is so much negativity here and people here are having problems, which can be seen from the posts. Well, yeah. Again, it’s a support group. Would you find a drug addict entering a support group for addicts, saying, once he’s there, Oh, well, there nothing but drug addicts here. May be I’d do better if more people who were drug free were here. It makes no sense.

    This is a place where everyone is trying to help one another. People in polygamous marriages have problems the same as people in monogamous marriages do.

    No one will heal, if they get stuck having a pity party, woe is me, men aren’t perfect, they are bad and why do I have to and he doesn’t and blah, blah, blah.

    It seems you’ve ignored everything on this blog based on your posts. It’s all contrary to what we’ve discuss here.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    of course it’s all over the blog, Khadijah. This is a support group where people come to talk about their issues and problems in dealing with polygamy. If you want to talk about yours, it’s what we’re here for. Where could you use the help and come out a better person. What can you do. It’s not about bad mouthing the men here, just to have useless dialogue to pass time. Talking about the men and their problem without being focused helps no one here. It’s not that type of blog.

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    I didn’t even bash the brothers, I made some observations. that I have noticed……

     

    it is all over this blog, secret marriages, lies, adultery, lack of equitable treatment,etc,etc,etc.

    no need to be so ruddy snippy to me…..

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    well that was entirely uncalled for ana. no one bashed men. you seemed to be shocked men get the blame. I provided possible reasons. I didn’t bash men and I didn’t beat on you eith

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    everything that happens , happens in Allah’s time, but you still have to tie your camel.

     

    fwiw I was not suggesting she leave him, I was thinking in a more general sense.

     

    I also wonder why it is so often women are expected to give up there selfish desires, but not men. I desired (perhaps selfishly) to be an only , i am willing to let it go,  I wanted to go to school so i could do something with myself, but for the sake of his desire, and for wifely obedience which he is owed, I let it go. Along with my selfish desire, for sleep, good clothes, time for myself, so many. I am just wondering if ever husband should be expected to let their desires go, because I have not seen it so far. Why is it in a sea of my sacrifices and hardships, he cannot let one thing go.

     

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

     

     

    at the end of the day I trust Allah, and I have had all my illusions about marriage shattered. But, Allah is just and I just have to be as patient as possible.  and yes my husband is still breaking my heart, you are of course free to disagree.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah,

    So go preach it to the brothers then. Why are you telling us about how horrific the men are when they aren’t here? What I said to you, you believe it or don’t.

    I’m here to try to help the women to understand themselves and polygamous marriages. I’m not here trying to help the men, because, AGAIN, as I said, they aren’t here. They are not asking any questions here. They have not joined the discussion.

    I know you are upset and very angry because your husband is getting ready to marry another woman, but I’m not going to take a beating from you when you are angry at MEN who are not here. I’m not going to sit here on this blog and bash men. If it makes you feel better to do that then, I don’t know what to tell you. I can tell you that it’s senseless talk to me.

    Maybe someone else wants to entertain your talk about the baaaaaad men. I’ve got better things to do.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Furthermore, getting back to Nargis, based on what I read in her posts, her husband isn’t the most awful, horrific, bad person that I’ve read about on this blog. He sound to be a selfish person the way that many people are. He has desires that he wants fulfilled. He doesn’t sound to be the nicest person. He certainly sounds to be an annoying one because he wants his way. She didn’t describe their marriage as a loveless marriage. I didn’t get the impression that she needed to be persuaded or encourage to get out of the marriage. In time they could probably work it out.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    khadijah,

    You asked when enough is enough. Allah tells us that we can bring no good or harm to ourselves unless He wills it. Everything happens because Allah wills it or it doesn’t happen because He hasn’t willed it. Islam is about submission to Allah’s will. A Muslim is one who submits. Muslims need to know what those words mean.

    A woman can’t leave a marriage unless Allah wills it.

    In the line of work that I was in, I had domestic violence cases in which, for instance, a man stabbed his live in girlfriend. They were an older couple. He stabbed her all over her body several times while her young son watched. She wanted to take him back and forgive him because she loved him. There was another man and a woman who used to stab one another and she said to me, “it’s what we do.” There are women who had broken ribs and limbs, had perforated ear drums, were punched in the stomach while pregnant, thrown down stairs while pregnant, strangled and all kinds of things, had dog leases on put on their necks. I’ve seen it all. There was no talking to those women. They only left the relationships when it was time. It was in Allah’s time.

    I understood that they couldn’t leave unless or until Allah willed it. We either believe that only Allah has power and we cannot will except as Allah wills or we believe as the unbelievers believe who think they share power with Allah. They think they make things happen; they have choices and they will things to happen. They have set themselves up as equals and partners to Allah. It’s an unforgivable sin – the ultimate sin.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    This recent conversation inspired me to write another post/thread/article. I wrote it quickly, so I hope I haven’t erred. It’s Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    if there is no care, respect or trust, is there really a marriage to be involved in anyways.

     

    I mean I am pretty sure her husband expects her to take an interest, i know mine does, so I wonder why it so often only goes one way.

     

    anyways I know I am being a debbie downer I apologize.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    khadijah,

    Insha Allah, try to watch a movie or read a book or do whatever you enjoy to try to take your mind off your husband and the other. I know it’s extremely difficult to do, but make the best effort that you can. Especially remember Allah as that is what will take you through this.

  • Umm of2

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah

    a husband should do those things for his wife/wives routinely ie buying gifts etc. Not to butter her up when ano wife is coming into the picture. That’s what happens in a marriage in many cases. Don’t have expectations from anyone because humans disappoint more times than not. If your husband is sympathetic and you weren’t expecting it then alhamdullilaah but if your expecting it and he doesn’t come through the way you expected him to you’ll be devastated on top of what you’re already feeling. Depend only on Allah because Allah will always be there for you. He will never ever disappoint you.

     

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