January 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 January 2017 discussions

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polygamy 411 January 2017 discussions

polygamy 411 January 2017 discussions

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391 Comments

  • anabellah

    February 1, 2017

    This thread is now closed January 2017 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the January 2017 discussions and welcome in February 2017.

    Please join us at: February 2017 Discussions

    January 2017 discussions

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    I moved our posts about suicide over here. I didn’t realize that I had posted it over there until you replied.

    I’ve got the new thread for February 2017, set up and ready to go, after midnight ūüôā

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    I know; it’s really creepy. My husband had a best friend when he was younger who committed suicide. He did it the same way that my brother’s friend did – shot himself. My husband’s friend shot himself in the head in his car. He had a wife and children and appeared to have it all and was very happy. I can’t begin to imagine how sad and in a dark place a person must have been to do such a thing. Sigh.

    Insha Allah, a bit later, I’m going to watch the movie, “Ordinary People”. It was the winner of 4 Academy Awards, including “Best Picture”, back in the 1980s, staring Mary Tyler Moore who just die last week. In the movie, her son commits suicide. It’s a very good movie. I bought the DVD years ago to add to my collection. I get morbid at times and watch sad, heartbreaking movies.

  • Rosa

    January 31, 2017

    Sis Ana suicide always sends chills down my spine. Very scarey wow

  • anabellah

    January 31, 2017

    Weird stuff is happening. My younger brother’s friend (whom I’ve known most of my life) committed suicide – shot himself. Very sad ūüôĀ

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2017

    Most are probably watching and reading the news, if not protesting. My eyes are glued to the tube when I’m home.

  • anabellah

    January 30, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    It’s a bit quiet here, probably due to the world protest against Trump’s new immigration policy. I assume most of you knew this.

  • anabellah

    January 29, 2017

    Naris,

    Just because she is with him daily in the workplace doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a good thing. I remember speaking with a cousin of mine about such a situation. She owned a small store with her husband. She and he worked together daily for years. Years ago, she had told me that working with a spouse is not good, as you will become as brother and sister. The romance and affection diminishes from being together all day and then going home together at night. I could see how it may happen. She and her husband actually ended up having gone from sleeping in separate beds to each having separate bedrooms.

    In time, your husband may come to value you after having been away for days. I don’t know what your nightly schedule is. There could be some validity to the saying that “Absence makes the heart grow founder”. To capitalize on this, you’d need to make your home a peaceful place for your husband to be. It won’t be accomplished if you’re all over him and breathing down his throat while questionings and complaining the whole time.

    Your marriage may not be the way you’d like it to be right now, but in time, there is a chance that it will get much better. Although, it won’t be as it was when you live monogamously with him, it can be the beginning of a new relationship that will be fulfilling and rewarding for you.

  • Nargis

    January 29, 2017

    Dear Ana,

    Thanks a ton for your words and advice. This is literally the only place where I can pour my heart out and be completely understood and supported.

    Thank you all wonderful women again. 

     

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I don’t know if a man goes back to being the way that he was before he became polygamous after the novelty of the wife who is the newcomer wears off. I believe that we should always be in a state of growth and change. No one can re-live the past.

    I’m a firm believer that a marriage can become much better than it ever had been before, and that a husband and wife could find much joy and peace in a polygamous marriage. It comes from obeying Allah and putting Him first. He says He disposes of the Believers’ affairs towards comfort and ease. I believe all that Allah says.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I know you miss your old life with your husband and want things to be the way that they used to be. The fact is that things change when the variables change. You’re no longer in a monogamous marriage.

    Now that your marriage is polygamous it will be different. It’s an adjustment to it that you must make. It won’t happen over night, but it’s something that you need to do.

    She is his wife and he will do things or say things that will let you know that he loves her. Just because he loves her doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you too. People can sense how people feel about certain people even without them having to say a word. A husband doesn’t need to hide who he is, nor put on an act.¬† At the same time, he should be sensible enough to try to avoid anything that will obviously hurt someone. It’s where sensitivity and compassion come in to play.

    Some wives are okay with their husband talking to them about the other. Some wives don’t want the husband to talk at all to them about the others.¬† It’s on you and your husband to determine how you’d like to deal with the matter.

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    You stated, “he even tells me to stop doing stuff BEFORE it upsets her..”

    Well, of course, you don’t want to do anything to intentionally upset her, BUT let me tell you what will do it that wouldn’t be wrong on your part – ignore her. You determined that she’s not the type of person whom you want to be bothered with because of the betrayal and her imposing herself on you. I suggest that you, Insha Allah, do your best not to let her or him know that you’re effected by what he and she are doing. You don’t know what he is telling her that you’ve said. She may very well receive joy in knowing that you are upset. Therefore, back away and let them be.

    Your husband has no reason to complain about anything that you do, if you’re not doing anything to impact him and her – such as calling him, texting him when you think that he may be with her. Don’t complain to him about her. He will defend her and turn against you.

    If you’re not the aggressor or contributing to her directly being upset by you calling, texting, complaining etc., the most he could do is continue to tell you that you need to submit to her will and be her friend or welcome her. In that case, you should stand your ground that you want nothing to do with her. You don’t need to have lengthy dialog with him about it because he’s not hearing you about it. Only speak of it when and if he brings it up. Tell him you will not communicate with her. You need to be able to expect that there is a chance that he may divorce you, but https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis,

    I totally understand how hurt you are about what your husband said. I think it would have broken my heart too, had it happened to me, even if he had done it with more sensitivity. Your husband sounds to be very angry and bitter about something.

    When it comes to him, Insha Allah, there are a few things that you could do to help remedy the situation. Some of the ladies already mentioned them. Besides speaking to him about your feelings, which he tends to ignore, you could get your and his family member (if Muslim) involve. If you don’t have Muslim family then use Muslim friend – some of his and some of yours – or people from a local mosque involved. You need them to mediate/arbitrate between you and your husband. They would try to remedy the situation in an effort to bring about some peace to your marriage. Mediation/arbitration is mentioned in the Quran.

    You could separate from your husband for a while as well; it, too, is a remedy mentioned in the Quran. It could give your husband, you and his other a chance to see how things go with you out of the picture. It may bring you and your husband closer together or leave you further apart, resulting in a divorce.

    It’s on you (with the permission of Allah) to take some type of action other than talking to let him know that you matter; you’re important; you’re his wife, and you’re not going to take his insensitivity and lack of compassion anymore.

    If I were you, I’d tell him that you don’t want his other wife to attend your children’s events/affairs or anything that you and he used to do just the two of you or you, he and the children do any longer. If she’s with him every day, then you should have your alone time with him and your children without her tagging along. Those are your children and you should be able to enjoy them with your husband without her being present. It’s not that type of party. You and she are not friends and you don’t have to be her friend. It’s the least that he could do being that he is with her daily.

    Nargis, if your husband continues to disrespect you and continues to be mean spirited to you, then, as I said before, there may come a time when you’ll need to make your intent to leave the marriage. Furthermore, you need to REMEMBER that what you chase runs from you. I’d suggest you try to distance yourself from your husband so that you don’t appear needy and all up his butt. Get yourself involved in things that you like (that are halal) that makes you happy. I know it may not be easy for you now, if you’re feeling depressed. You’ll have to turn to Allah so that He will help you. I can’t foresee much getting better for you unless you start turning away from your husband and turn to Allah.

    To be continued…

  • anabellah

    January 28, 2017

    Nargis, Hello,

    Your question isn’t a silly one. The best way to find out about anything that we’re not sure about is to ask.

    I must say that I’m the same as you with regard to the rain. I love the rain, too. It’s soooo beautiful and soothing, especially on a Sunday.

    About the call that you made to your husband during the day, and how he handled it, I don’t think there is a simply answer as to whether he handled it rightly or wrongly. As you know, most of the information that is available about polygamy says that a polygamous man’s days are for him and he could do what he wants during the day (whatever Allah wills). It would include his dealings with his wives during the day (whatever Allah wills).

    So, was your husband wrong in telling you not to call him during the day anymore about things such as the rain? I’d say not necessarily. All men are different. All husbands are different. Is he being unfair? Allah knows best. You best believe that if your husband is being unfair/unjust, he will account to Allah for it the same as we all will account to Allah for what we do etc.

    There probably are a lot of husbands who would have welcomed a call such as yours from their wives, especially if the husband works daily with only one of his wives. Your husband is being consistent in that he dances to his other wife’s beat. She is his priority. You said you called about something that means much to you and him. Does it matter what the call was about about?

    Some husbands and wives probably have rules about when the wife or the husband should or shouldn’t call. I know it happens in monogamous marriages as well. The monogamous husband may ask his wife not to call him at work unless it’s an emergency. It’s all relative. It depends on the parties to the marriage and what they decides upon between them. It’s the beauty of Islam that Islam is not so restrictive. We’re given a lot of freedom and liberties.

    To be continued…

  • Nargis

    January 28, 2017

    Dear all,

    I have a question to ask. I have always loved the rain.

    Over the course of more than 10 years..whenever it starts raining after a long time I immediately call my hubby when he is not around and tell him I love him and am thinking about him. The rain gets me in a good mood and I always think of him as we have sharedany romantic walks and moments in the rain.

    And he had absolutely no problem with that..in fact like it..

    Yesterday he was at work when it started raining after almost 4-5 months …I called him as I always do.. the call lasts maybe 10-20 sec.. I say what i always say to him…its raining baby and I am thinking about you. He didnt seem to mind..

    Today during some discussion,he tells me.. not to  randomly call him about it anymore as she may be around him and its not fair on her.

    I told him I have been doing it for years and besides I called him during work hours so its a nuetral time for us. But because she works with him now EVERYDAY.. I am supposed to not call anymore?

    He said yes.. just as u would not like it if she called when u are around and say romantic things to me I dont want you to do that either..

    I felt really hurt.. I said she is with u throughout the day.. now am I not supposed to call u while u are at work?

    He said.. call if its work related otherwise to not call.. 

    Ok.. so this is him talking now.. not her.. which hurts me even more. 

    So how do I deal with stuff like this.. it seems small I know.. but it just hurt me to the quick..

    She spends almost 8-9 hours EVERYDAY with him…. So she gets to spend time with him.. have breakfast with him EVERY morning as he leaves home really early, and sometimes even lunch AND dinner with him.. so she actually spends a lot more time with him.

    When I told him..after a decade of being married to him I need to stop saying and doing what I have always done why should I stop now ESP when I call him during nuetral work hours. He goes off on a different tangent and tells she needs to spend more time with me  cause she is a new wife.. so respect her time with me..

    How do  I deal with this.. frankly, I am also myself tired of feeling hurt for small silly things and getting worked up. Is there any prayer I can say during tense stressful moments that will give me the strength to ignore stuff like that and just move on and focus on more important stuff..

    Stuff like this really really hurts me when he does not rhink about me but ony worries about her.. in fact he even tells me to stop doing stuff BEFORE it upsets her..

    I am bugged of this nonsense.. 

    I have started trying to live my life way way waaay more independently so I dont depend on him for anything.. but I still need him emotionally..

    Someone told me…she is new.. the novelty will wear off.. then he will be back to normal.. well..do men really go back to being how they were prior to polygamy?¬†

    Silly questions I know:)

     

     

  • ummof4

    January 28, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Xallma if you are still here, I agree with Ana.¬† It truly sounds as if you feel that women who are in polygyny are not “empowered”.¬† Personally, I do not like that word because only Allah has power.¬† You have a sweet way of talking to people, Alhamdulillah.¬† However, it is clear to some of us that you do not like polygamy.¬† That’s okay, you have a right to feel that way.¬†

    You sound like a woman who has been influenced by someone in a polygamous marriage who was not happy and felt abused. Maybe it was you, maybe it was a close friend or family member. Even though you may¬†feel polygyny is not¬†for you at this point in your life, many of us love it as it is a part of our lives and it is a part of Islam, and we love all of Islam.¬† I do hope you stay and learn more, In shaa’Allah.¬† Advice should be given from experience and knowledge.

    Allahu Akbar!

  • Jasmina

    January 28, 2017

    Salam alaikum Ana and friends

    i hope you are all well. I’m just dropping by to say that I’m doing well alhamdulillah. Few ups and downs but recently it’s mainly been ups so I’m very hopefully about the future alhamdulillah.

    i love you all and hope to join in on the conversation real soon, very flat out busy at the moment.

  • Rosa

    January 28, 2017

    Ana that theory has me scratching my head. I guess it depends on what the truth and lie is exactly. 

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    I wonder if the saying is true that – “The truth is not as painful as discovering a lie”.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    Xallma, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m unable to delete your comments as they are part of the blog’s content. Others have asked me to delete comments, which I don’t do, unless it’s a duplicate or something to that effect.

    You said you were trying to get insight for your own situation. What is your situation, if I may ask?

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Sister Ana,

    If you could be kind enough to delete my comments, that would be greatly appreciated, I do not wish for other sisters to read and get the wrong idea, for I will be answerable to Allah swt for any repercussion as a result of my comments.

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Salaam Sisters,

    Sister Ana, I think my message has been completely misconstrued, and I apologise to all who have read and felt I am Anti-polygamy, I believe it is a beautiful structure and has abundance of blessing for all. 

    I was simply putting forward what I felt would be of help, if that has not been achieved, it is my own fault and may Allah swt forgive me if that is what any of the sisters have picked up. I am in no way here to ‘SAVE’ anybody, Only Allah swt can save us from anything and everything.

    I am in no way implying empower as coming from oneself, rather the strength in the guidance of Allah swt, to help us along this journey. I think this was misunderstood maybe through my wording.

    I didn’t expect my input to be vilified or seen as an attack as you have said where I have been accused of seeing sisters as a number of things. I see each and every on of yourselves as extremely beautiful people who have wealth of understanding of what Allah swt wants from us as Muslims, wives, mothers and the other roles.¬†

    In your opinion I may have no clue about Qur’an, but Alhamdulillah we are humans and flawed and our way in life is to learn about deen, If I have some understanding and you have a deeper understanding, I am not one to be stubborn, I want to learn.¬†

    Maybe my word of ‘choice’ was not correct in context, yes upon the path of Allah swt we have no choice, we must do what is pleasing to Allah swt. Nothing happens without the permission of Allah swt, and we as Muslims must follow what Allah swt has asked us to do.

    Alhamdullah Allah swt has given me ears, intelligence and eyes so I ask you to please not say as you have about the blessings of Allah swt upon me. I came here to get insight due to my own situation but SubHanAllah did not think I would be ostracised by a sister in the way I have, but All is from Allah swt. Maybe through this Allah swt is showing me I still have a lot of work to do on how I write things. Alhamdulillah.

    Sister Nargis, I apologise to you in particular if my input has in anyway made you feel like I am directing you to a particular decision, as this was not my aim. May Allah swt forgive my shortcomings and May Allah swt protect and help us all through all trials and tribulations in life. Ameen

    I think I have outstayed my welcome.

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    Satan creates false illusions that seem real. It seems that Xallma was coming from a positive, good place in her post, but in essence it was basically to tell Nargis to leave the marriage.

    Xallam let us know that she doesn’t believe in polygamy and especially not for herself. So, with that said, Why does she feel the need to tell Nargis to leave the marriage? Nargis has told us unequivocally that she doesn’t want a divorce. She said she loves her husband and believes that he still loves her. She said that she wants to stay married to him. Furthermore, she is trying to learn what she can do to make the process easier.

    Xallma’s post came across as a lot of rhetoric as a filler to get to the part of telling Nargis that she should empower herself because she has choices and should leave the marriage.

    It doesn’t cease to amaze me that people come here who are anti-polygamous and think that they can “SAVE” the women here who want to accept polygamy or do accept it. They think we are brainwashed victims and the such who lack knowledge, understanding etc. People like her are nauseating to me, despite that they are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. They have no clue what Allah says in the Quran. How is anyone going to “empower” themselves when only Allah has power. There is no one who shares his power. He has no partners. He decides and makes everything happen. Nonetheless, she talks about “choices” on top of all else that she says about Allah.

    Throughout the Quran, Allah lets us know that we don’t have choices. One ayah out of the MANY, Allah says:

    “Thy Lord does create and choose as He pleases: no choice have they (in the matter): Glory to Allah! and far is He above the partners they ascribe (to Him)!” Quran: Surah 28:68

  • Maryam

    January 27, 2017

    Thank you.

    I also gave to his family, especially when his mother was alive. And again this was¬†never a problem for me, that’s what you do for family or friends.

    It is sometimes that I think it seems so easy for the men and the women have to go through a lot. Probably because Allah made us strong.

    My husband is really a good man, he tries hard to make me happy and it is for me no problem to bring in money for ‘our’ marriage/life. I also like to do something, I feel useless sitting in house and doing nothing, also because I don’t have children to look after. And for me it is also normal that if you want to have money you have¬†to work for it.

    But I feel like if he thinks he can support 2 wifes, then okay it is HIS responsibility to do this, the ‘mean me’ is thinking this LOL.

    I don’t see her like my co. For me it is like that is his other life and I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m not closing my eyes for this, it’s just easier for me like this.¬†

    I will see how this goes. I think I will safe the money which I will have from my old work, give some of this to charity, many people here who need clothes and blankets, especially in wintertime. And safe the rest for emergencies, like doctors or hospitals, we don’t have insurance for this.

     

    Sometimes I wonder if this is really what Allah wants for me. Is he not just telling¬†me something else, something I don’t see?Like ‘go from your husband and this life’ ‘find someone else who will not hurt you’.

    How do we know if we do the right thing?

    Bless you all dear sisters, I will read the other post later when I have more time https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 27, 2017

    LOL, Rosa,

    Rosa is way better than “bathroom” ūüôā LOL I just couldn’t go on letting you refer to yourself as a toilet ROFL

  • Rosa

    January 27, 2017

    Salaams 

    Lol oh my. Well here’s to changing my name for good. No longer bano but Rosa¬†

  • Xallma

    January 27, 2017

    Awww sister Nargis, Jazakallah Khairun, all I have written is truly from the Mercy of Allah swt that he has blessed all of us with so I take no credit.

    No two scenario are the same, just as many people exist in this Dunya and no two people are ever exactly the same – applies to every scenario, what you are going through is your own pain and struggle, please do not compare between yourself and any other like for like, there are always elements that can be compared but not as a whole. I used to do that, I use to tell myself if someone else can bear it, why not me, am I that weak…but the moment you realise I am my own person and that is my strength. If he loses you, you cannot be replaced in any shape or form. Allah swt gave each and every one of us that strength.

    Sister Nargis, despite loving people from the very core of our being, and after all the hurt, you still still love them but in a very different way Inshaa Allah, you love them as you make dua that Allah swt takes care of each and everyone¬†and grants them all success in this life and Akirah, We can make dua of revenge and for all of lifes trouble to mount on a particular persons account, but there is no good in a dua like that, I am in need of good in life and of Allah swt’s blessings so why poison myself with hatred and anger, which does come to mind of course it does, I have seen that within myself so never be ashamed if it has cropped to mind, don’t put yourself down for these ideas, and thoughts of hate coming to mind, its natural.¬†See it as shaytan stirring thoughts, and at moments like that stand and make dua for even more good for all of the Muslims and help from Allah swt, that is how we can neutralise hate and anger, after all the Nafs can run wild but Allah swt has asked us to discipline it, as it is exposed to the influence of Shaytan. Be very selfish when asking Allah swt for help, like as child crying and crying and asking and asking, never tire of that. Allah swt is the most loving and the most Just.¬†

    Sometimes my beautiful sister, you come first, even though you are a  mother and wife, you have to put yourself first, not in a manner of selfishness, rather assessing this present moment in life, what this means for you, what sense of value does it have. If you believe that you could overcome it with he help of Allah swt, you can, these events of life can and do affect all involved psychologically, physically and emotionally, it can wear you out, at that point you need to think about your own well being and sanity, often it is not us women who have not lived up to it, rather the man was not strong enough for what he takes on board. They almost see it with rose tinted glasses, as if all people involved see it like he does, we are our own individuals, you, and each and every one of your children, very different, with their own minds, thoughts and feelings. I just wish these individuals would once put aside acting on their intention and just reflect for a moment on what possibilities could arise and communicate and maybe find a way around it all, rather than shell shock a woman and have her go through what feels like agonising and unbearable pain.

    Maybe other sisters can comment, why on earth would a man not communicate his intention, if in the instance he has this thought, he communicates, the wife atleast knows, ahaaaa so thats what he has on his mind, or in the instance that he is firm upon the decision, what is so wrong in telling a wife, giving her time to come to terms with it, or her making a decision, why are they so scared, We’re not¬†aliens are we? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, are they that fearful of the repercussions before they get married, that they just go full steam ahead, impose it on a woman, she is beyond surprised and for a time in great confusion and pain, but sticks it out as she is vulnerable in many ways. Maybe having spoken to her before taking action means she would leave, she has that right doesn’t she, why are you scared of losing her, you know that is a risk that may happen or she may very well come round to accept the idea, get her balance right and carry on healthy, Just telling your wife, and communicating makes the world of difference, I really don’t understand what goes on inside their heads. Do they not fear being questioned about the way they handled the matter, the hurt that they inflicted on top of their conduct throughout? ¬†Mind you I have seen a beautiful example of Polygamy, and it all came from communication, the brother explained to the first wife, and she cried, but he was there comforting her and guiding her islamically, not the legality of it, but the spiritual aspect,May Allah swt guide them to be like our Prophet saw. Please sister do not take this as reflection to dwell on the past, he didn’t do it like this, that is his action based on his intention, maybe when the time is right you can bring up this idea, that if he conducted in this way, you could have been prepared, helping him get a new perspective in life going forward.

    Sorry sister, got a little off track there, More than anything, you need to be in a safe place, within yourself for yourself and through that for your darling children. Do not by any means pressure yourself to get there right here right now, it all comes in time, through patience, pain and prayer.

    For us women, its like being out at sea, chained with two boulders on our feet, and we try, we try so hard because its in our nature to not accept defeat Рwe try to swim despite being chained down, and we do, with full faith in Allah swt, and sometimes out of the Mercy of Allah swt, we carry on without feeling the burden of the boulders and sometimes He swt sets the chains completely free, either way the destination is back to the safe shores of Allah swt. 

    All us sisters, we are writing to help you, may Allah swt keep our intention focused on helping for the sake of Allah swt, we all are saying a lot of do’s and don’ts and it may all be too much, you can put it to aside and process it as and when you can but it is all about you, you sound like a lovely person, trust yourself that you are a lovely person who wants nothing but good.

    This whole life is blessings and trials disguised in various forms, but when we will all stand before Allah swt alone, everything is stripped back to just us being alone, no husband, no other woman will come to save you. Please do not be scared by what I am saying, do not devalue or belittle your efforts, i.e why am i doing all this then? We are doing it for the sake of Allah swt, worship of Allah swt is our purpose in life, but that worship takes many forms, one of which is helping one another, looking after the children Рall good done can be a form of worship, how beautiful is Allah swt and the guidance He has given. Everything presented on that day we all want to work in our favour Рthe morsel of food you put in your childs mouth with love, the controlling of Nafs when you wanted to vent, scream, curse your husbands second wife, all of this done for the sake of Allah swt, will be so valued by our Rabb, that we cannot even imagine. The reward of it is with Allah swt. 

    On here sister, I believe it is all about you, empowering yourself to know that You can make it through this with the help of Allah swt, whatever you chose, whenever you chose it, its because you chose it and left it in the hands of Allah swt. Not because your husband did this and you got to leave it or lump it. But because you chose to grow as a person within the situation, and chose not to Leave..You chose it. There is a strength in owning the decision. And if you leave, You chose to leave it, because you know that it is something that you cannot carry on in, and have done so in a respectable and lawful manner. Whatever you do from the help of Allah swt, you should be happy that you are an honest and honourable woman and that regardless of the outcome of the situation, you have respect for all and super composed in whatever is required of you going forward.

    What you are going through my dear sister, Allah swt knows, I pray that none of this pain, hurt, anger and distress that each one of us sisters have, are and will be going through goes in vain, may Allah swt give us blessings in this Dunya and Akirah and reward us abundantly for our patience, grant us the strength to get through this life and all the trials and tribulations, to go through this life with worship of Allah swt as our sole purpose. Grant us his shade on the day we stand before him, Grant us and those we love beautiful places in Jannah and make us all neighbours, Allah swt please take us close to you and never let each and every one of us be alone or without your love, guidance and support for even a second. Ameen,

    Love for you all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Bano, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You chose an interesting user name:

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Bano, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The ladies here really need to take heed to the ayah that you recited, “Allah says ‚ÄĚ And whoever turns away from my remembrance will indeed have a depressed life‚ÄĚ Holy Quran 20:124”

    Women need to contemplate their lives and see if and where they have fallen short in the worship of Allah. They need to see if they may have contributed to their condition. Is what they are experiencing a punishment or a test? I know when I’ve done things wrong and probably am being punished and when I may actually be in a test or it perhaps it could be both. Allah knows best.

    All Muslims need to read the Quran and know what Allah says about tests/trials, punishments, adversity, suffering, remedies and His Promises.

    Allah places each person in situations that will either increase their faith and decrease it. Allah has determined who will be Muslim and who will be a non-Muslim. It means that people will do things that will take them to their final destination.

    I just spoke on another post/thread about anti-polygamous people.comment about anti-polygamous

    Most of them think they are in control of things the same as Allah is. People who think they have power are similar to Pharoah.
    The anti-polygamous people are like Satan as well. Iblis was arrogant and the anti-polygamous people are as well. They basically negate what Allah says about patience, perseverance, prayer, trial, tests, punishment and His promises etc. They are quick to tell a woman that she has control of her life and if she doesn’t like that her husband is polygamous she should just leave. The anti-polygamous person is clueless.

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Dear Xallma

    I just re read your post. It’s so beautiful. Thank you so much again.

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Oh dear I guess I am probably too stressed out today Ana.

    Pls delete the previous post which is incomplete.

    I meant I will try and be strong and and take each day at a time and during my weak moments I have this wonderful blog to turn to.

    May Allah give me strength and dignity and grace to weather the coming future.

    thanks all

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Salam 

    Thank you dear Xallma and Bano for your kind words and advice.

    Will try and be s throng and take each day at a time. And urging my weak moments and doubts I have this lovely blog to turn to. Thank you all

     

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2017

    I mean Jum’uah.

  • ummof4

    January 26, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Maryam as Ana says, each marriage is different, there is no one set of rules for finances.  However, Allah has said that men are the protectors and maintainers of the women (not just their wives, but of course, their wives).  

    As many of you already know, my personal opinion is that the husband should pay all of the major household expenses for any household he has, since he is the head of the household. ¬†This includes food, clothing and shelter. ¬†He has to support his wife according to his means. ¬†When a woman marries a man, she should know what he can and cannot afford and be willing to live according to his means. Any money the wife earns or has can be supplemental to the household or spent on “extras”, like vacations, eating out, trips, special clothing (or expensive chocolate). ¬†A wife can also give a LOT of sadaqah if she does not have to pay the bills. ¬†In case of emergency, such as the husband losing his job through no fault of his own, an accident or extended illness, any wife who cares about Allah, her husband and her marriage would pitch in financially. ¬†

    Too many times I have seen families where the wife paid all or most of the bills in the household. ¬†Then the husband decides that he can use his money to marry another woman since his present wife is paying all or most of the bills. ¬†When the present wife complains that it’s not fair for him to marry another wife and pay all their bills, the husband really doesn’t understand the problem, especially if his present wife has been paying the bills for years. ¬†The present wife has a right to be upset, but hindsight is often 20/20 vision. ¬†

    In conclusion, it’s easier to go into a marriage with the husband paying the household expenses than changing the dynamics years later after he is comfortable not having the responsibility. ¬†It’s not impossible to change, just rather difficult.

    I love you all and pray that you all have a generous, blessed Hum’uah.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 26, 2017

    Maryam, Hello

    It’s nice that you are still here with us. I’m sure you’ll have many questions now that the time is approaching when your husband will marry again, if it pleases Allah. I anticipate that you’ll have many more questions if they marry.

    What you asked about finances isn’t an easy one to answer because, as you know, all marriages are different. How you spend the monies that Allah has entrusted you with depends a lot on you, your husband and his other wife.

    Allah tells us in the Quran who to spend our wealth on and how much to spend – such as don’t be niggardly, nor spend to your utmost reach. We are to be charitable and spend on a whole host of different types of people in varying circumstances. What you spend should be to benefit your soul as in doing good deeds to enter Jannah.

    What do you want to do? Do you want to continue to contribute to the household once your husband marries another or you don’t? Nothing is laid out in black and white about what a wife should spend in a marriage.

    You don’t have to spend your wealth on the household, if your husband will provide for you and your needs etc. Some women like doing helping out financially, and there is nothing wrong with it. Some don’t and there is nothing wrong with it, unless the husband is struggling.

    It would say a lot about a wife and her love or lack of love for her husband, if she sees him struggling and doesn‚Äôt want to help him. I don’t think any woman who loves her husband would want to see him undergoing a hardship and not try to help.

    If the woman your husband marries appears to be a good God fearing and God loving sister-in-faith, you may want to continue to help out. It would only benefit your soul, as you all would become family-like and work together to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

    If you find that it will be a burden on you, to continue contributing as you had while he has another wife, then stop contributing. Tell your husband that now that he has another wife, you need him to take care of you the same as he will take care of her. Let him know that you will not contribute any longer other than what you see fit.

    As I mentioned, it’s all relative. Some people start out contributing and then say, why am I taking care of someone who isn’t the type of woman that Allah tells men to marry and she’s not the type of woman I’d befriend. Allah tells us who to be friends with and who not to. In a case such as it, I’d suggest the wife let her husband use his resources to take care of the essentials.

    It really boils down to what the couple decide on after consulting with one another. There is no right or wrong answer, nor a particular way. We’re all supposed to be charitable whether male or female and spend as Allah tell us to. One must not lose sight of the fact hat Allah is the One who provide for all.

  • Maryam

    January 26, 2017

    Hi ladies, I’m still here ūüėČ but trying to pick up my life as it was. My husband is still not married again, so I enjoy this time.

     

    But I have an issue with¬† money and I don’t know how I must handle this.

    The last 2 years were financial very difficult for us, many months we¬†didn’t have enough money to buy food. We managed alhamdulillah by lending money from friends.

    So now we sold something and with this money he builds his apartment, buys his second wife gold, some furniture for the apartment. Things he never bought for me, because in the time we met he didn’t have money. So we bought our apartment and all things from my money (and some money of my family).

    This was never a problem for me. But now I feel a little bit uncomfortable with this. I mean I can also buy some things now which I needed or like, but I still see it as ‘it was originally from my own money’ so not from him.

    I like to know how I must deal with these feelings.

     

    And then there is the following.

    I just got some nice temporarily work (at home), nice paid.

    And I worked many years before I came here, and after a few months I will have every month money from this work.

    I don’t like share this money where I work for or have worked for with her. Is it okay to keep this money for myself? Not¬†that I want it just for myself, but more for the life of my husband and me.

     

    So many questions sometimes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • Bano

    January 26, 2017

    Salaam

    Nargis try to put more energy in figuring out how your polygamous marriage can work and don’t let shaitan put thoughts in your head of how it can’t possibly work because there’s a way. There’s a solution to every problem. Don’t let your co see you sweat. InshaAllah wake up one morning soon and tell yourself life is too short. You love your husband he loves you. I know you’re tired of feeling the way you have been. It must be draining but it’s up to you to decide enough is enough. Shock the he** out of your husband lol. Take this opportunity to find yourself outside of your marriage, take up new hobbies. And most importantly take your free time on days he’s with his other wife to find Allah. Grow nearer to Him. Sometimes when we are not on the level of faith Allah wants us to be on He puts us in situations that’ll raise our level.

    Allah says ” And whoever turns away from my remembrance will indeed have a depressed life” Holy Quran 20:124

    Everyone have a wonderful Friday tomorrow.

  • xallma

    January 26, 2017

    Assalamualikum,

    Inspiring women you all are, you as your own. 

    The beauty I find reading the discussion is the sense that you all know that you and you alone will be standing in front of Allah swt.

    Sister Nargis, 

    Your words break my heart, I believe no man can ever understand the emotional uproar women go through in so many situations. But this blog is a beautiful place where Allah swt is the focus. 

    The path for ever trial and tribulation in this life is to turn to Allah swt. And trials are so testing but never lose your sense of value as a servant of Allah swt. You do matter and who do you matter to, Allah swt. 

    You say you were so strong and independent, maybe over time you lost that energy, maybe this trial is to re-establish yourself as a strong, resilient woman, with the help of Allah swt, to set an example to your children about women and Islam, This is a means of getting closer to Allah swt. Think about all the reward and good that can come out of this.

    Now, in no way does this mean you got to stick it out, Allah swt does not burden a soul more than it can handle, Allah swt has given many options and as sisters mention, patience and sticking out, or you can chose to part ways, of course you have loved this man and are extremely emotionally hurt and vulnerable at this moment in time, so ¬†making sense of whether you love him or not is not going to be clear, be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the hurt, pour your heart out to Allah swt, his help is near. Go and scream somewhere, vent it out in a healthy way, you’ve already made such a courageous step by coming here and seeking help, so give yourself credit for that.

    Take your time to heal, forget about them for the moment, concentrate on yourself, do what you must to fulfill your duties as a muslim, so yes as Ana and Tunis have so beautifully put it, rise above this, be the beautiful graceful woman who conducts in the way pleasing to Allah swt. The reward of it will be with Allah swt, it is a fight against the Nafs, the greatest and hardest battle of all.

    Now going onto him not wanting to divorce, don’t worry about that, He’s trying to help, telling you he wants to maintain both households, thats his intention. I like to call it having his cake and eating it too, Islam allows it. But Islam has given you so much too My beautiful sister, at no turning has or will Allah swt abandon you.

    In every situation you can become a winner, if you do love him and stay, you will have triumphed as a woman with strength and patience, as well as finding solace in Allah swt alone. 

    If you chose to leave him, even if you do love him, you are giving your heart peace, you’ve tried time and time again, you’ve cried to Allah swt, you ask Allah swt to guide you and if Allah swt guides you to feel content in leaving this behind, Allah swt will give you the strength to stand firm as a Woman who knows what she wants, and it is not this.

    No option makes you weak, in one option you set up an example of a lawful practice and what can be a different structure of family, in the second option you will set an example of a woman strong enough to make decisions and also be calm, collected and respectful to all.

    He will always love his children, staying or leaving will not change that, maybe the dynamics of it, in terms of mum and dad are no longer married, or dad has a new wife, both situations will have positive and negative effect on the children, don’t for a second discount that one is always better than the other. In my opinion they weigh equal, the children as the grow up will have a mountain of questions, some you can answer with ease ie. I left Abu because mama was not happy or Abu married someone else, and Mama was not happy so mama left but we still love you lots and lots. other one could be Abu married someone else and it might not make sense, but Allah swt has allowed this, Abu still loves Mama but another aunty also needed help from Abu. I hope you get my drift.¬†

    BUT this is all a reminder to myself first and foremost, YOUR HEART! we always need to check our heart, it should always be full of love for Allah swt. All other love for Allah swt’s creation should come from that love, then that love serves a purpose in dunya and Akirah, you truly love all for the sake of Allah swt, it is a difficult station to reach, but with the help of Allah swt you can. When you reach this station, the attachment releases itself because you are attached to your creator. Do you know we can enslave our hearts to dunya and people, i.e some love money and others love their spouse or children, but these are all blessings and trials in different ways. When your heart belongs to Allah swt, attachment, expectation, everything begins to melt away because you become attached to Allah swt, I pray we all get there. Ameen

    NO decision you take reflects on you being weak, whatever decision you make is a long road, but everything with the help of Allah swt is attainable. Either way it will be between yourself and Allah swt and getting stronger, the emotional battle in each is exceptionally hard, some will find it more in line to leave, Alhamdulillah and have faith in Allah swt that better days are ahead, love can be diminished if not fed, i.e over time as much as you’ve loved him, the level of deceit may make it a love that was not as strong or whole as you thought it was. And this action, with no blame on Allah swt for making it lawful was done by a fallible human, your husband. It has hurt you and Allah swt knows.¬†

    Others will stick out in the situation, accepting that their husband has done something Lawful stipulated in the Qur’an. Alhamdulillah. They learn and grow in a different way. The hurt is there, and a lot of work on rebuilding the relationship to be in a form that is in line with what is pleasing to Allah swt.¬†

     No decision is wrong and no decision is right, it is just the best decision that the person has taken at that point in time. Yes shaytan does play around, in either situation, Allah swt has made both options Halal for you, shaytans battle is to overcome each and every human, as long as you stay strong in faith in Allah swt in whichever decision you choose, Allah swt will always help you.

    Always remember our Prophet saw, he was the best example, and no one can be as beautiful as him, his purpose behind the marriages ranged from looking after the divorced, widowed, spreading the message of Islam through link to tribes, and he did all this with the permission of Allah swt.

    The Prophet saw also told Ali r.a that he is to divorce Fatima r.a if he wishes to marry again. So my beautiful sister the answers are there in the Quran and Sunnah, beseech Allah swt for help, cry, grovel, talk, never stop asking for help, Our Rabb is beautiful in how he answers our dua, Allah swt brings ease to hardships. And in time all will fall into place, and you watch you will look back and cry and smile and laugh when you realise how Allah swt out of his love and mercy saw you through your time of trial and tribulation.

    Read the dua of Yunus a.s, that is a beautiful dua mentioned in the Quran. 

    All good I have said is from Allah swt and anything wrong is from myself, May Allah swt forgive me

    SO much love for you all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Nargis

    January 26, 2017

    Salam 

    Ana, you are right . I need to buck up and accept the situation for what it is now. This is prob how it is going to continue for sometime I guess. He is being torn between us . He did tell me that if he wanted a divorce from me he would have done so already. In fact it would be a much more peaceful situation than it is now with us divorced instead of handling two wives. 

    I just wish he would stop falling her shit but it’s something I cannot control. Me asking questions and needing his kindness and wanting the talk and discuss her being like this…etc is just making me needy, insecure in his eyes and I will lose all my respect in my own eyes soon.¬†

    If this marriage is meant to survive in Allah s eyes then good. If not then I guess I will have to take that risk too.  But I will try and not bow down to his her her tactics..

    I need to just trust in Allah that he has put me in this situation for a reason and I need to handle it with grace and kindness no matter how I am being treated but also to take a stand not to take shit from her or anyone else. 

    I read a quote saying Allah gives his strongest soldiers the toughest problems. I guess we all here have our own problems to deal with but nothing cannot be overcome.. 

    Inshallah I shall grow stronger day by day and may my weaker days be fewer and fewer. 

    Thank you all..

  • anabellah

    January 25, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I suggest that you take your husband at his word that he does not want to divorce you. He loves you and he wants to remain married to you. If a man really wants to be with another woman badly enough to the point he feels and thinks that he can’t live without her, you best believe he’d divorce the other wife in a heartbeat.

    Stop second guessing yourself. It’s Satan who is telling you that your husband is only staying with you for all and any reason besides love. Satan wants you to be miserable and listen to him to keep you upset and wants you to fight with your husband. Keep it up and you may end up divorced.

    You said you keep asking questions and your husband says things that hurts you more. Read the signs. He’s getting fed up with you badgering him and being all over him like a cheap suit. He may begin to think it’s best to leave you so that he will have some peace. You best believe his other one is giving him a hard time and racking his nerves the same as you are.

    You said his behavior has changed and he acts as though he doesn’t want you. You need to consider that his other is probably pressuring him. She’s probably hard pressuring him to get him to make you do as she wants. He comes home to you aggravated from dealing with her about you. He may see you as the problem because you don’t dance to their beat. DON’T DO IT. Get your own rhythm. Let him see a stand up person in you. Be nice, but FIRM. Demand respect by standing your ground and not let them walk all over you. Don’t forget to be nice; it’s the hard part when you’re agitated and aggravated. Sigh

  • ummof4

    January 25, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tunis, I loved your post to Nargis and I second all that you said. ¬†Allah says in the Qur’aan many times that he will test us. ¬†We have to be the obedient servants of Allah to pass the tests.

     

  • Nargis

    January 25, 2017

    Salam

    Thank you for the kind words Ana and Tunis.

    I do fear that he will spend less time with me than he already does. I do still love him unfortunately and the kids love him too. He still treats the kids with the same love ShukranAllah. 

    I am not worried about him divorcing as that is in my hands. He has made it clear that he will not divorce me but If I want then I am free to divorce him. Do you think he is being this way as he wants me to leave him instead. If that is the case and there is no love from his side then I would prefer not to remain in a marriage like this than suffer and burn everyday. The reason I am even hanging on is the belief that we both still love each other and that polygamy will not change his love towards me. 

    He had told me earlier that he still loves me and wants me to be his wife still but unfortunately after his ¬†changed behaviour it doesn’t look like he even really wants me.. It’s clear she is his priority.

    So am I lowering my respect by taking this shit from both of them? 

    I was never so weak. Always been strong and independent and confident. But this has really really lowered my confidence and self esteem. Do you think that is why he doesn’t respect me anymore. I am prob being more clingy etc and trying to change my ways too but sometimes it is tough.

    I love the idea of being graceful and kind to her and him irrespective of how I am treated. But I am but human and would love to see some kindness and understanding from him too. I SOMETIMES wish that I would start to hate him for the way he is with me now so that I can divorce him without regret and move on with my life. 

    This is me ¬†just trying to verbalise the confusion I feel. I don’t know what to feel and think at the moment . When he is dismissive of me and my feelings, that makes me feel more low and that ¬†in Turn makes me more insecure and I question him with stupid questions and he says stuff that hurts me more.

    But thanks a ton Tunis. You did make a lot of sense. Will try and take yours and Ana’s advice. It really feels nice to have somebody understand my side of things as well.

    Shukran Sisters

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Awww, what a wonderful, beautiful post you wrote to nargis. I love it. It was so soft, gentle, sweet and inspiring. It was for all of us. Alhumdulliah! It was awesome. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    I think you called it right that nargis may fear that her husband will divorce her or spend more time with the other and less with her, if she doesn’t do his bidding. He’s strong arming her and being a bully. He’ll get his (Allah sees and knows all things.)

    nargis,

    Insha Allah, the next time that you go to one of your children’s¬† outing with him and and she’s there, do as tunis advised, be kind and cordial to them. Additionally, the whole time that you are there, Zikr (Remember) Allah constantly. Keep repeating his name and his attributes and don’t let up, not for a minute. You’ll be surprised how calm and at peace you’ll become.

    If you’re anything like I am, when you do it, you’ll begin to beam and glow. I was at an outing with my husband recently and the wife of one of his co-workers came up to me. She said that she kept looking at me and kept seeing this big round glowing face. I smiled and thought to myself -it’s the nur (light) of Allah.

    I see people staring at me a lot where ever I go. I’m not saying this to boast or brag. I just want to let all know that remembering Allah is awesome and the benefit are noticeable and amazing, not only on the inside but the outside as well.

  • tunis

    January 24, 2017

    Hello Nargis.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif..I hope things went better for you the following day you were to attend your child’s sporting event..?

    ¬† I really empathizes with you.¬† Regarding your situation, sister..do you FEAR a divorce from your husband IF you¬† INSIST¬† on your right of not wanting to interact too much or just yet, with the co-wife….¬† Or you fear¬† him staying away from you..temporarily…spending more time with her.? etc etc..¬†

    ¬†¬† Its like a no win situation..yeah…but chin up dear…Don’t let that stop you from voicing¬† how it makes you feel sweetie !…be dignified and royal, but gracious and kind at the same time.. when dealing with them. ¬†

    ¬† If hubby brings or invites Co to what ever functions.. in future..? and doesn’t seem to respect or be sensitive to your needs..(I guess it is allowed,,after all they are his kids and that’s his other wife)… SO¬† be brave and continue your nice behavior towards¬† her, regardless of how she thinks its fake or not.

    .SO WHAT !!¬† THAT’S HER PROBLEM¬† and HIS TOO ! his attitude !¬† they will both be accountable b4 Allah…¬† just look at it THAT WAY when ever ya’ll must¬† get together…maybe it will help you journey thru this ,… because it seems like you still love him…

    and sooner or later…if you can¬† show no signs that it bothers you..(that’s where the help from Allah comes in…focusing on Him..like the sisters say..reading Quran..praying..that life is about Allah..and are we ready to meet Him) ….she’ll get off her high horse and humble herself b4 Allah..before it’s too late.¬†

    And inshallah your husband will see that dignity in you and come around.

    ¬† I believe if you can do this ..you’ll be fine.¬† We all SHOULD strive to be the better muslims… regardless¬† of whether¬† our HUSBANDS are SUPPOSE to know better…who says that??…maybe they just don’t…YET ?¬† so there again we can choose our happiness ..and I choose Allah.¬†¬† And I thank Him for this blog..because I too see the blessings in my establishing regular worship and focus on Allah and where my emotions may take me..to Allah or away from Him.¬† Sisters here encourage that ¬† and remind¬† of this.

    ¬† When you fear you might loose something…as in my case .. my children.. who were threatening and¬† breaking ties with us……because hubby became polygamous…I felt under pressure to divorce..and why..we did no wrong here…it was like a wake up call for me.( well I am glad I saw it that way..alhamdulilah) ….to test my convictions in the word of Allah(Quran) and¬† where I was in my relationship with Him….so¬† my husband becoming polygamous and how my children saw our married life together( one daughter said I obeyed hubby more than God)…made me realize what I needed to change …Allah knew what I needed…I am grateful I got to see it …that He allowed me to draw nearer to Him thru this.

    So Nargis…if anything I am saying makes sense..which I hope it does…I am loosing track here.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif..be a good person..you love your husband…Allah made us spouses to love…so don’t hold back on your showing him how you love him.(being discreet and all, of course)..like playing stupid minds games.attitudes….don’t go there…like the recent post of Ana’s…a quote she posted..love it..”When a husband and wife love Allah first, they love each other better”.¬† Maybe you’re feeling¬† it’s¬† one sided right now. because of your focusing on him. And BTW, if you feel someone can talk to him..that might be a good thing too..as sisters have suggested..inshallah.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Bano

    January 24, 2017

    Sister Ana thank you for your warm welcome.

    A lot of tears has been shed but Allah is so so Compassionate. Indeed after pain comes ease. Allah will bring you through anything one just has to observe patience and persevere.

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Nargis,

    You asked if you should love your husband less. I’ve written a post/thread/article about it, as it’s a question others have asked, as well. It’s: Should She Love Her Polygamous Husband Less

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Ummof4 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I meant to let you know that I absolutely love the analogy that you gave about the women who when in monogamous marriages tolerate what they don’t like about their husbands, but make it monumental when the husbands become polygamous. It was so easy for them to overlook their husbands’ faults when they were monogamous. When they bring the other women into the picture, the husbands suddenly become the most horrific persons in the world. Of course, I exaggerated a bit LOL

  • anabellah

    January 24, 2017

    Bano, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so nice that you are here. The more silent readers who come forward and contribute the better. It’s good to have a wife who married her husband in the order of third here to contribute and to help us all, especially a sister who’s been in a polygamous marriage for a lengthy amount of time. You’ve probably have had many trials and tribulations. Thank you much for your kind words, as well. I look forward to conversing with you, my sister. Alhumdulliah.

  • Bano

    January 23, 2017

    as salaamualaikum sisters. I’ve been a silent reader for a few years now. I’m ready to introduce myself. It’s only right. I’m a born American Muslim. I’m a third wife now for going on a decade. I have learnt soooo much on this blog. I take the advice given here very seriously and try my utmost best to implement everything into my daily life and it has worked wonders. I thank Allah for guiding me here at just the right time. Sister Ana may Allah bless you indefinitely, and all the sisters here who continue to write and make this blog what it is today. May Allah shower His everlasting Mercy, Forgiveness and Protection upon you all and strengthen us all to become better Muslims and grow nearer to Him out of love and Obedience for Him and not wait until we are in a predicament and have no where else to turn but to Him. We are here on this earth solely to worship Allah alone. Everything else is background noise. Have a blessed day you all

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    So many different types of people come here that we deal with:

    There are some who earnestly want to learn, and feel better. They want to accept polygamy as a way of life that Allah allows. They are lovely people to deal with.

    Then there are some who pretend to their husbands and to their co-wives that they are accepting and so okay with polygamy, righteous and all, BUT then they come here and let all hell lose on us

    And then there are those who hate and blame the wife who married second or hate the thought of any woman marrying second and they come here and beat on any and all wived on this blog who married second

    Another group are those who hate everything about polygamy, won’t accept anything about polygamy, not only won’t accept it, but wants it outlawed. They try to cite any reason imaginable to support their position that Islam doesn’t allow it, as it’s out dated and the like.

    So, we’re dealing with all kinds. It can get exhausting.

    Oh, oh, and then there are those who get pissed off at me and turn on me like a sick dog (with rabies). Those I don’t even post LOL Some shock the hell out of me.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Umm of2,

    It certainly is amazing. It’s said that she wasn’t taking any fertility pills or anything. She was on the birth control pill and then decided she wanted to have a baby. So, she went off them and bam, it happened. Supposedly when one goes off birth control pills, it’s super easy to become pregnant right away (if Allah wills it). My mom had my younger sister and brother who are twins after she forgot to take her birth control pills.

  • Umm of2

    January 23, 2017

    Omg sis Ana six children at once that’s AMAZING. Allah is so Kind So Powerful. There s nothing He cannot do ūüôā

    verysad confused antimistress is back oh boy. Well I guess she never left. Didn’t she say before she’s a revert now she’s saying she’s born Muslim I mean which one is it. She supposedly got what she wanted. Had her husband divorce his other wife for her. I know she’s living in misery. Things will never be the same between her and her husband ever again. He’s a dog on a leash. At her beacon call. She really needs help. Why does she keep coming back spreading negativity. When she first posted I honestly had a feeling it was someone who posted here before but didn’t know who. You can really figure out who a person is in a few days after about five posts.¬†

    Anyway nargis I agree you should find someone to speak to your husband. What they’re doing to you is not right. The choice is yours whether you want to have a friendship with her or not, never want to cross paths with her or not. This is so wrong on so many levels. Then she’s all up in your face at your child’s games come on. May Allah rectify your affairs¬†

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post to Nargis was very nice! I agree with you that for her to talk with her husband and his other about the situation probably won’t yield any good results.They seem to want to rule her life and enslave her. It’s sooo not good. Insha Allah, she’ll get someone to talk with her husband and they’ll be able to do an intervention so to speak. I definitely don’t think that she should give into her husband and his other.

    Ummof4, I’m so happy to hear one of your sisters took the Shahadah. I always wanted to have at least one biological family member take the Shahadah. Insha Allah, maybe someone will.

    I have some interesting news. I just learned that my younger sister’s stepdaughter is pregnant with 6 children. I think she’s in her early 30s.

  • ummof4

    January 23, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I pray that Confused finds the help that she needs.  When people come on the blog using different names they still sound the same, so I wonder why they bother changing their name.

    Nargis, I was going to make the same suggestion that someone else made. ¬†Find someone whose opinion your ¬†husband respects (other than you) and ask the person to talk to him about how he and his other wife are treating you. ¬†I don’t remember if you both come from Muslim families or what the culture is, but if the family is Muslim and is willing to listen to the both of you, I suggest you talk to your families as the Qur’aan says to do.

    Based on what ¬†you have told us, I don’t think that talking to your husband or his other wife will do any good. ¬†Make du’ah that the situation will change soon. ¬†If they have a child together, maybe she will not feel that she has to be so attached to your children. ¬†How do your children feel about her being such a large part of their lives?

    Nargis, you mentioned that your husband’s other wife who used to be your best friend gave up her religion for him. ¬†What does that mean? ¬†And if they did have an illegal relationship before marriage, that explains to me why she feels she should have the upper hand, particularly if she is much younger than him and has a lot of money.

    As far as family functions, in my situation my husband was not close to his blood family. ¬†He and I were the only Muslims in each of our families for many years. ¬†Alhamdulillah one of his sisters took her shahaadah a few years ago, but we still don’t live in the same city as his family. ¬†So on my husband’s side of the family, we did not attend any of his family’s functions. ¬†My husband would attend some of my blood family functions with me occasionally, and he would do the same for his other wife. ¬†As far as community activities we would often attend the same activities. ¬†If it was my night with my ¬†husband, he would attend with me, and if it was her night, he would attend with her. ¬†My co-wife never insisted that she be with my children, even though she was kind to them, they spent the night at the other house if I was out of town for business, and they still see her as their stepmother. ¬†Remember, my children are all grown now, with their own children, but they grew up in polygyny.

    Everyone, please make sure to make all your salahs on time and thank Allah for blessing you with the gift of Islaam.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Nargis,

    I’m with Serena about what’s happening to you. I can’t say it any better than she did. She summed it up nicely.

    I suggest you look into making your intention to leave him, if he doesn’t back off you and let you be. You don’t have to have any dealings with that woman. Nothing in Islam and about polygamy says you need to have her become a part of your life. If you don’t want to be bothered with her, you don’t have to. She is his wife, not yours.

    She’s imposing herself on you and it’s taking a toll on you and your health. It’s not worth it. She’s trying to make you do what she wants you to do. If you try to make your husband happy, at any and all cost, and continue to put him before Allah, you will suffer indefinitely.

    You asked how long you will go through this devastation. Allah knows best. He put you in it and only He can make it better for you or take you out of it.

    I read an ayah this morning that may help you:

    “Or, Who listens to the [soul] distressed when it calls on Him, and Who relieves its suffering, and makes you [mankind] inheritors of the earth? [Can there be another] god besides Allah? Little it is that ye heed!”

    Quran: Surah 27, Ayah 62

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    FYI:

    The person who posted as “Confused” has posted here before under the usernames: “VerySad”; “Anti-Mistress” and “From My Experience”. To refresh your memory, in her initial post as “VerySad”, she said she was a revert Muslim married to a Pakistani man. She said he married an Algerian woman whom he divorced and he and his family came crawling back to her (VerySad) begging her forgivenss.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Goodbye “Confused”. This blog is not for you. You’re too confused…

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Those who believe in the Hereafter, strive for the Hereafter. Those who don’t believe in the Hereafter don’t strive for the Hereafter (and they get the Hell Fire). Allah says that we get what we strive for.

    Confused,

    Allah says in the Quran that if all got together to try to put together a book similar to the Quran or the likes of the Quran, they couldn’t do it. Allah says that.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Confused,

    Allah says in the Holy Quran that He has included in the Quran all that we need. He says the Quran is replete with knowledge. Furthermore, Allah says He left out of the Quran what was in His earlier Books (Torah; Gospel and others) that we no longer need, and He has added to the Quran what we need that was not in His earlier Books. He says the Quran is a confirmation of what was in the Books that came before it – the Books being the Torah, Gospel and others of His Books referred to in the Quran. The Quran is a fuller explanation of His earlier Books. He says that He, Himself, has protected the Quran and the Quran is the only Book that He has protected. I believe Allah. I believe what He says.

    In the Quran Allah tells us how to perform wudu. He tells us when to pray. He tells us the positions to pray in. He tells us the direction to pray in.

    Allah says that He taught Adam the names of all things. What Prophet Adam (PBUH) learned was passed down from generation to generation.

    The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lead people in prayer. People learned from him in the flesh. It was passed down from generation to generation. It was passed down the same as someone taught you how to wash your face and body. Did you need a book to read to show you and teach you how to brush your teeth and wash your face?

    No body here is telling people to live the way ISL is propagating. What they teach is not Islam. So, what are you talking about? This blog is about following the dictates of the Quran and it’s for those who have a positive outlook of polygamy, specifically from an Islamic perspective.

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Sorry lots of misspells, not on fault based but daily.

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Correction about Fatima/Ali hadith instead first one I meant veryfied

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Ana, without offences (not trying attack as well), just curious, have question for u. If I got right, u don’t rely on hadith. In such cases how do pray, make woozoo, ghusl & lots of other things all of muslim do on fault basis because most of it comes from sira or hadith. I guess u don’t accept hadith about Fatima & Ali as well even though it’s ¬†very first one. Sorry & correct me if wrong in my guessing a as I didn’t read too much on this blog.

    Serena, I’ m not Asian but Arab. Yes, polygamy is not encouraged in my country anymore. Because in most cases it brings more destroy & dysfunctionality to both households. It affects kids badly.¬†

    Our women fought centuries for basic rights like education or walk in streets without guard, or cover in full black bag in 50 degrees hot. So sad to see that newly converted women grew in West, abandon rights ( like Khadija left education to please husband).?

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Serena,

    “Confused” simply rejects Faith. She falls into that category. Allah, in the Quran, talks about those people. Confused praised her unbelieving ancestors. Basically, she’s said she follows the ways of her forefathers. REALLY? Even though they were devoid of Faith? Allah, in the Quran, talks about those who tear the Quran into shreds (only accept portions of his Book (The Quran). They only accept the parts that they like and reject the others. “Confused” doesn’t believe that the Quran is for all mankind and all times, evidenced by her view of polygamy. Those people who believe as she does are going to the Hell Fire. They are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. So to talk to them is like this.

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Nargis

    Why don’t you get someone to talk to your husband? The two of them are emotionally abusing you and you continue to give in. Why are you still talking to her while trying to heal. It’s not helping you. You need to be firm otherwise she is going to run your marriage.¬†Sister it’s affecting your health. Think about you and your kids. What can your huabamd possibly do if you say you don’t want her there at child’s event? Nargis put your foot down sis stop being a doormat.¬†

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Confused

    With the views you have no wonder you having nightmare about your husband getting married again. 

    Some born Muslims especially the asians find it difficult to accept polygamy because culture gets mixed with religion.

    Majority Reverts when they accept Islam they accept everything about Islam including polygamy.

    People struggle in monogamy as well as polygamy. What you mean spit in the face of grandmothers and mothers? They not going to take you to Jannah. You can’t please people to go against Allah.

  • khadijah

    January 23, 2017

    welp, so much for support,

     

    I was only trying to point out that given the fact that in the real world most polygamist marriages seem to be negative, and are talked about in such a way, and usually it is precipitated by some form of lying or shadiness on the part of the brothers for whom it is a responsibility, and since they are usually the ones to choose this not the sisters, it makes logical sense that they often receive the blame. as I said there is no shortage of family, community, Imams, and scholars all to ready to blame the wifes wearing Pajamas as the reason men take second wives.

     

    I try my best to make sure all of my actions are for the sake of Allah, but I don’t think wanting just a little appreciation from my family makes me anything other than human….

     

    I am so sick of having to be guarded , everywhere I cannot just be honest…. can’t be who I am with my parents, can’t tell DH really how I feel or risk him being crushed (like I am), can’t tell my friends without them criticizing all the things. can’t even come onto an anonymous support blog and point out why logically men get most of the negative attention (although that is debate-able in the real world as I have said).¬† ONCE AGAIN I WASN’T attempting to tear down ALL the men about all the things….. and I am unsure how you go that.

     

    as to pp about the difference with a monogamous marriage vs polygamous, yes I can see why women would tend to accept more questionable traits when monogamous and be more upset about them when polygamous , perhaps she feels the marriage is less important or she has less love and respect for her husband, since she feels he has less for her.  Since she becomes less important to him he becomes less important to her. that is slightly petty, but I can to a point understand why.

     

    oh and I didn’t really ask for your pity either ana, I remember the days of you calling your husband during HER time and yelling at him, and how devastated you were, so, I was hoping you might provide an open ear to other women’s frustrations and perhaps angers as you have BTDT. I guess not. that is fine, i can see how once you moved past it you may not want to think about it.

     

    truth be told I was looking for advice and someone to listen, more on the practical and emotional level. I know how to make myself a better person Islamically,I already pray and fast, and read quran and teach my kids the same, and make dhikr and give charitably. and seek to further my knowledge with what little alone time I have. believe it or not I am not some awful person without any knowledge or belief or action. I strive for my best.

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Oh, Confused, I reread your post. You came here about your nightmare. Anyhow, thanks for dropping in!

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Confused,

    So, my question to you is why are you here on this blog?

  • Confused

    January 23, 2017

    Ana thanks for time article regarding my question however it was not helpful. U see I just lightly went through the blog & realised the majority women struggling polygamy are converts. I m born muslim & like most born muslim at women, would never tolerate it (unless living in village in Afghanistan or Somali). I understand that converts are more extrems. Our mother & grandmother suffered enough for human rights, which unfortunately very limited in shariah countries. Accepting polygamy would be like spit to the face of our mothers & grandmothers. Specially now in West, muslim polygamy not about orphans & widows anymore but ” sugar daddy buying sugar baby”. Good luck.

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    I do apologize if I am complaining too much. But there is no other place I can bare my heart. I feel I can only talk openly to women who are and have gone through what I am going through.

    One last thing.. my husband thinks she has sacrificed a lot for him as her parents were totally against this marriage, she is 17 years younger to him and filthy rich to boot, he feels she could have gotten someone way better but she seems to have chosen him because she loves him so much. That she has sacrificed her life for him! She has given up her religion. She is a doctor but doesnt practice only cause she wants to spend all day with him so apparently that is anotther sacrifice on her part.

    She actually accepts him with a wife and children. So that is unconditonal love etc..

    She tells him I have given up everything for you. 

    He believes it…

    I mean.. no one put a gun to her head. She used to always praise my husband to me.. always said he is such a nice guy so respectful etc. You are so lucky. She was previously in two bad relationships so its obvious that she wanted him as well. So why make it seem as if she has done some great favour for him. She trampled on our friendship.. she wanted him amd went to great lengths to ge him and she got him!

    She actually told me that there was obviously something wrong with my marriage if he could fall in love with her.

    Saying Mashallah what a beautiful family to my face while doing this behind my back.

    I mean.. what I am trying to say is.. she wanted what she wanted. She got ehat she wanted. When we were going through some issues in our marriage she listened to my conversations pretending to be my friend but was busy trying on his side telling him that our marriage was not working for a reason. When he made it clear that he would never leave me she immediately said oh no no..that is not what I meant..

    I mean.. I want to move on.. I am trying to be friend with her as I feel if I have negativity towards her I will never be able to move forward. 

    She haas he balls to tell me.. We have not done anything wrond.this is allowed in Islam. I said I know it allowed. But the way it happened is wrong. Give me time to heal. Give me time to invite you myself to my house and into my house before. Let me do it happy and willingly myself instead of you demanding it and making my husband forcing me to accept the plans you both make instead of just shoving it down my throat. 

    But then.. cue her tears.. I have spoilt her name with my in laws apparently..

    She says that she feels cheap as I made its sound that it was an affair before. But the point is.. IT WAS AN AFFAIR before he married her. They went around for 6 months before they got married THEN waited a year to tell me!

    I mean.. I know I am rambling and repeating stuff.. but i am still so hurt. And then instead of expecting some kindness and understanding.. I am told told to get over it.. theae things are very common ad I am not the first woman whose husband gets another wife.

    I tell him I know.. But. Am still a human being with feelings so I have the rights to feel hurt etc..

    So basically am I taking too long to get over it.. I know I need to get strong and move ahead.. but am I taking taking too long.

    I told him some women take years to get over this.. he says..I am nit married to some other woman. I am married to you. So if u say you love me then prive it and accept this happily. And soon. So we can get on with our lives. Peacefully . 

    Yep. This is the story so far. My child has another sport event tomorow and after our last convo I am dreading facing her. If I dont talk and smile to her she complains That I am making he feel awkward. 

    That I am putting her down if I ignore her when she is around. When it kills me and I try to be friendly to her.. its not enough for her and she says I am forcing myself.. so its fake. 

     

    I am so done sometimes.. I am actually stressing about tomo already. 

    I hope all goes well. Hope Allah gives me the strength to get through tomo with grace amd patience..

     

     

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    I am so confused. Do the women who have accepted polygamy gracefully managed it because they stop caring as much about their husbands and only turn to Allah now. 

    Do they love their husbands less now?

    Are they in comfortable relationships with their co wives?

    How do they attend family functions with their in laws when everyone stays in the same country and state?

    Do both the co wives attend the functions or weddings or whatver together?

    How does it work. I reaaly wish my co lived in another country or state just so I have some breathing space from her. But infortunately she is just 15-20 min away from where I live…

     

     

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    My husband was never selfish man. Always sacrificed for his family. Stood by me through thick and thin. 

    Respects women. Never speaks in a loud voice to women. A great father to the kids. But now its like he is almost a different person sometimes. 

    He says he will not stand disrespect to her. 

    Well what about disrespect to me?

    He says no one is showing disrespect to me as She has no problems with me so why  do I have a problem with her and keep her at a distance?

    I mean.. am I being overly sensitive?

    I had actually met her some days back asking her to give me some space including give my husband and me some space as well. I dont like the fact that she calls and msgs him when he is with me… and that creates tension between us..she works with my husband so even when its my time with him she calls on the pretext of work to get him out of the house even when he has just about stepped home to have lunch with me.. she knows when its work.. my hubby will run!

    So I said.. give him time with me.. I felt so shit that I had to literally request her to give me time with my husband..

    She created so much of a fuss and completely turned my words around amd went tattling to him saying that I  said that she is creating problems between us and that she is not giving us space and that she is already giving us so much space what more do I want. I dont acknowledge her as his other wife as I dont give her the freedom to call whenever she wants etc..  I mean.. WHAT THE HELL?

    She said that its work.. what can I do..

    So I told her.. well it can wait at least for half hour or an hour right?

    Man.. she started crying..my hubby actually told me to back off.. she is helping him with his work so I dont need to tell her shit..

     

    I was so mad. I wanted to have a heart to heart with her as I didnt want more negative feelings to creep in but she completely screwed me over. She yold him that I will never accept her as his other wife so she wont even bother trying yo be nice to me? That he and the kids were her family and she is done with me etc etc..

    How is he not seeing my side. I ky her side.. her feelings.. 

    How long will I have to go througjlh this shitty nonsense.. till she wants it??

  • Nargis

    January 23, 2017

    Salam

    Dear Laila Khadija and Ana

    Thank you for the advice and the kind words.

    I just cannot figure my husband out. This man used to stand by me like a rock. Not the most romantic of men, but his actions used to speak volumes. He would hate to see me upset. 

    I understand the Honeymoon stage you ladies are talking about..but what is this complete 360 change. 

    Just 2 days back was the finals to my child’s soccer match.¬†

    Now, I obviously wanted ONLY my husband and me to attend. 

    But he actually told me.. I have invited her..and she is coming. So when I told him well I dont feel comfortable about it…¬†

    His reply.. I cant do anything if you feel incomfortable. She wants to come and more importantly I want her to be there! Literally broke my heart I tell you. 

    Does he not understand how I feel?

    He says.. they are my children too.. and she is very attached to them.. so she WILL come to any events functions as she is my family.  And I will not leave her out just because you dont feel good.

    I feel..who is this man?

    Everything is about disrespect to her. He will be fine with me one day. Spends time with her. Comes back in an awful mood. And then again it about her feeling disrespected and cast aside and no importance given to her etc..

    I tell him..you were fine yestersay.. why do you get so caught up with hwr feelings and not give a shit about mine?

    He was so so nice when I first gound out. The first couple of weeks he was an angel. 

    Then slowly he started saying that she feels disrespected that I havent accepted her as his other wife as I want nothing to do  with her etc..

    Before we all used to go out to lunch picnics trips mostly together..but does she expect the same now??

    Who cares abiut what she wants??

    Does he?? Does he not think that everytime I think about or see her I feel a burning pain in my heart. That I will and still need more time?

    Is 5 months enough for me to get iver this betrayal? 

    Sometimes he still shows glimpses of mu old husband..but at the end of the day.. he is totally falljng for her bull and always, ALWAYS supporting her..

    Curse my heart..that after all this shit I still live him. I am def not staying in for financial reasons..

    Comes down to the same old question. If she can accept me being his wife why should I have a problem with her?

    Why should I feel hurt apparently?

    He is totally and always on her side..and even when I can clearly see him being manipulated He doesnt understand it..

    She had gone to her parents house for 4 days last week. Its was SO SO SO peaceful without her tantrums etc.. but now that she is back.. he comes to me stressed and angry and grumpy and Then mostly we end up fighting..

    Dont mistake me.. I know that deep inside he still loves me.. but I dont know if I can take this much more till things calm down.. 

    I am actually getting blackouts, I get chest pain etc..

    And you are right Laila, I have to look after myself and I should not expect anyone to do it.. but as Khadija says.. is it too much to expect my husband to at least stand by me sometimes?

    Sorry for the outburst..but I am having a bad day. 

    Yesterday I came down with full on depression and I am still feeling low. 

    I do have my strong days where I try not to give a damn about them and concentrate on my kids etc..but unfortunately he is a big part of my life.. and when he comes pissed or depressed from there..it affects me too..

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Ana

    I know. I have been meaning to post for days but just never got round to it. I didn’t want to rush a reply.¬†

    It would definitely be helpful if more silent readers posted.  Also am hoping Jasmina Karima Saira Nargis Crystal are well. 

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Serena,

    It’s why it’s good and helpful when people SPEAK UP, participate and comment because people have different ways of speaking and deliverance. Everyone is not the same.

  • Serena

    January 23, 2017

    Asalamualaiykum

    We need to take it easy with sister Khadijah. She came here for support and is going through a difficult time and all sorts of questions are going through her head. I have been reading her posts and it seems like she is trying to deal with her husband marrying another. We need to advise her with kind words.

    We have people like umm of4 who is always positive mashaAllah. She seems to be doing well and speaks of how she managed with her husband having other wives. She doesn’t boast but is a good example for woman who are struggling.

    Khadijah

    It may seem like woman are the ones who have to make all the sacrifices while the men get away with everything and get what they want based on what is on this blog.

    Khadijah we have to remember this life is not going to be perfect and if men want a perfect life at the expense of the life to come than let them live their life that way. We can only advise them and remind them of their duties to Allah and wife/wives and duties as a Muslim. We can’t force the men to act a certain way. We can’t make them pious or less selfish or caring. They will be accountable for their deeds just like us.¬†

    So it may seem like they are getting away with everything but Khadijah the akhira awaits them. Allah is Just, All Hearing and Seeing so leave them to Allah let Allah deal with them.

    Remember husband getting another wife happens because Allah decreed it to happen. We can’t change that nor do we know what lies ahead.¬†

    No one forces anyone to stay in a toxic marriage. Woman should not make out that they are victims stuck in a unhappy marriage. They have choices too. Also when you do something do it to gain reward from Allah. Don’t expect anything from humans in return that way you won’t be disappointed. ¬†Just thank Allah all times and whether happy or sad. It is easier said especially with shaytan whispering negatives but we need to make an effort to become a better person in the eyes of Allah.

  • Laila

    January 23, 2017

    Khadijah. The reason why you have noticed so much of negativity is because this is the platform for everyone – Muslim or not who are in polygamous relationships / marriage who are going through a lot in their lives. They share all their secrets here because sometimes in reality we cannot share all this even with good friends. Because women who aren’t in this sort of set up will never really understand or be able to give you sound advice. Sometimes this is also a safe place to just vent it out. Hopefully through the responses here, there are those who have a better marriage and become women who don’t dwell on the past. I’ve noticed women who no longer comment regularly as in the past here in the blog have probably healed and are having a better life. Some still comment till today because of the sisterly bonds made here. But as what Ana has stated, this is a place for women to get any form of therapy and hopefully some sound advice. So Khadijah, I just had to share this with you and make it clear as to why you end up reading stuff that you never thought you would.¬†

  • Laila

    January 23, 2017

    Salam. Ummof4 and Ana. As usual life has its demands and yes I’ve been a bit busier than the usual. I think I will in the future say that I married my husband second if that helps or clears tha air. However, my reply to Nargis I think should not be analyzed to the extent of overthinking matters. Polygamy isn’t an easy path for the wives and husband. Everyone’s has their share of sadness, anger and pent up frustrations. How do we deal with it? Prayer always helps. But it is also important that as a woman, you decide what are the barriers that would help you in the first few years. Remember overcoming all issues is not a one year process. Some people / couples take years. All I’m saying to Nargis is don’t expect anything from her husband now. He is not going to give it because of the circumstances. He’s remarried and won’t see it her way. He will start to come around when things have settled and yes when she intelligently also does not get tangled up in the drama. Then, the truth will unfold. I too have experienced that sometimes we all go into that depressed state. Do we always run to our husbands? How did we function when we weren’t married? We sort of handled it ourselves isn’t it? Now please don’t take me out of context. I am encouraging assestiveness and responsibility for oneself. That is all. It’s up to you to handle matters and how affected you might be at the end of the day. Some battles are best just ignored. Why shed blood and be a hero? Did it even help you? You wasted all your energy, time and best of all you spoilt your day.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    Khadijah,

    You said you gave up so much and sacrificed for your husband. If you did it seeking the good pleasure of Allah, He’ll reward you for it. If you did it to please your husband – well that’s a different story. If you’re not feeling good about the sacrifices you’ve made and think you got the short end of the stick etc. then you need to rethink why you did all those things. You wouldn’t feel any loss or think you’ve lost anything if you’ve done it to seek Allah’s pleasure.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    You said, the problems are all over the blog and maybe if we had positive examples it would be better. You need to realize that this is not a place for people to come and gloat about how wonderful their marriage is and sh!t all over the people who are dealing with issues or having a difficult time. There was a commentator here who did that daily, each and every day for over a year. It didn’t and it doesn’t help.

    You’re saying there is so much negativity here and people here are having problems, which can be seen from the posts. Well, yeah. Again, it’s a support group. Would you find a drug addict entering a support group for addicts, saying, once he’s there, Oh, well, there nothing but drug addicts here. May be I’d do better if more people who were drug free were here. It makes no sense.

    This is a place where everyone is trying to help one another. People in polygamous marriages have problems the same as people in monogamous marriages do.

    No one will heal, if they get stuck having a pity party, woe is me, men aren’t perfect, they are bad and why do I have to and he doesn’t and blah, blah, blah.

    It seems you’ve ignored everything on this blog based on your posts. It’s all contrary to what we’ve discuss here.

  • anabellah

    January 23, 2017

    of course it’s all over the blog, Khadijah. This is a support group where people come to talk about their issues and problems in dealing with polygamy. If you want to talk about yours, it’s what we’re here for. Where could you use the help and come out a better person. What can you do. It’s not about bad mouthing the men here, just to have useless dialogue to pass time. Talking about the men and their problem without being focused helps no one here. It’s not that type of blog.

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    I didn’t even bash the brothers, I made some observations. that I have noticed……

     

    it is all over this blog, secret marriages, lies, adultery, lack of equitable treatment,etc,etc,etc.

    no need to be so ruddy snippy to me…..

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    well that was entirely uncalled for ana. no one bashed men. you seemed to be shocked men get the blame. I provided possible reasons. I didn’t bash men and I didn’t beat on you eith

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    everything that happens , happens in Allah’s time, but you still have to tie your camel.

     

    fwiw I was not suggesting she leave him, I was thinking in a more general sense.

     

    I also wonder why it is so often women are expected to give up there selfish desires, but not men. I desired (perhaps selfishly) to be an only , i am willing to let it go,  I wanted to go to school so i could do something with myself, but for the sake of his desire, and for wifely obedience which he is owed, I let it go. Along with my selfish desire, for sleep, good clothes, time for myself, so many. I am just wondering if ever husband should be expected to let their desires go, because I have not seen it so far. Why is it in a sea of my sacrifices and hardships, he cannot let one thing go.

     

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

     

     

    at the end of the day I trust Allah, and I have had all my illusions about marriage shattered. But, Allah is just and I just have to be as patient as possible.  and yes my husband is still breaking my heart, you are of course free to disagree.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah,

    So go preach it to the brothers then. Why are you telling us about how horrific the men are when they aren’t here? What I said to you, you believe it or don’t.

    I’m here to try to help the women to understand themselves and polygamous marriages. I’m not here trying to help the men, because, AGAIN, as I said, they aren’t here. They are not asking any questions here. They have not joined the discussion.

    I know you are upset and very angry because your husband is getting ready to marry another woman, but I’m not going to take a beating from you when you are angry at MEN who are not here. I’m not going to sit here on this blog and bash men. If it makes you feel better to do that then, I don’t know what to tell you. I can tell you that it’s senseless talk to me.

    Maybe someone else wants to entertain your talk about the baaaaaad men. I’ve got better things to do.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Furthermore, getting back to Nargis, based on what I read in her posts, her husband isn’t the most awful, horrific, bad person that I’ve read about on this blog. He sound to be a selfish person the way that many people are. He has desires that he wants fulfilled. He doesn’t sound to be the nicest person. He certainly sounds to be an annoying one because he wants his way. She didn’t describe their marriage as a loveless marriage. I didn’t get the impression that she needed to be persuaded or encourage to get out of the marriage. In time they could probably work it out.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    khadijah,

    You asked when enough is enough. Allah tells us that we can bring no good or harm to ourselves unless He wills it. Everything happens because Allah wills it or it doesn’t happen because He hasn’t willed it. Islam is about submission to Allah’s will. A Muslim is one who submits. Muslims need to know what those words mean.

    A woman can’t leave a marriage unless Allah wills it.

    In the line of work that I was in, I had domestic violence cases in which, for instance, a man stabbed his live in girlfriend. They were an older couple. He stabbed her all over her body several times while her young son watched. She wanted to take him back and forgive him because she loved him. There was another man and a woman who used to stab one another and she said to me, “it’s what we do.” There are women who had broken ribs and limbs, had perforated ear drums, were punched in the stomach while pregnant, thrown down stairs while pregnant, strangled and all kinds of things, had dog leases on put on their necks. I’ve seen it all. There was no talking to those women. They only left the relationships when it was time. It was in Allah’s time.

    I understood that they couldn’t leave unless or until Allah willed it. We either believe that only Allah has power and we cannot will except as Allah wills or we believe as the unbelievers believe who think they share power with Allah. They think they make things happen; they have choices and they will things to happen. They have set themselves up as equals and partners to Allah. It’s an unforgivable sin – the ultimate sin.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    This recent conversation inspired me to write another post/thread/article. I wrote it quickly, so I hope I haven’t erred. It’s Are women who are in polygamous marriages good people

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    if there is no care, respect or trust, is there really a marriage to be involved in anyways.

     

    I mean I am pretty sure her husband expects her to take an interest, i know mine does, so I wonder why it so often only goes one way.

     

    anyways I know I am being a debbie downer I apologize.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    khadijah,

    Insha Allah, try to watch a movie or read a book or do whatever you enjoy to try to take your mind off your husband and the other. I know it’s extremely difficult to do, but make the best effort that you can. Especially remember Allah as that is what will take you through this.

  • Umm of2

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah

    a husband should do those things for his wife/wives routinely ie buying gifts etc. Not to butter her up when ano wife is coming into the picture. That’s what happens in a marriage in many cases. Don’t have expectations from anyone because humans disappoint more times than not. If your husband is sympathetic and you weren’t expecting it then alhamdullilaah but if your expecting it and he doesn’t come through the way you expected him to you’ll be devastated on top of what you’re already feeling. Depend only on Allah because Allah will always be there for you. He will never ever disappoint you.

     

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    right, she shouldn’t expect it from him, but I guess I wonder when is enough, enough, that sounds toxic, and unhealthy.

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    but should a good woman stay with a mean man….

     

     

    alas I am musing and a bit down tonight.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    all alone with my thoughts as I enter what I will call the final countdown phase.¬† Literally cried at the thought of honeymoon phase… I am never getting that back again, and he is. Jealous, sad, and angry all at the same time… Not even 28 and I feel like such the old news.¬† I don’t want to be that needy clingy thing who gets in the way and tries to turn him against her, But I do need him, and his affection and kindness, maybe that makes me weak,https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif.

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah,

    I think that Nargis shouldn’t expect any sympathy from her husband either, because he has shown her what he is about. He went behind Nargis’ back and married her best friend. They were married for a year before he let Nargis know. He comes to Nargis trying to get her to befriend the traitor and pressures her about it. He brings that woman to all the outings that he attend with Nargis and their children. Clearly, Nargis’ husband is showing her no sympathy or compassion based on what Nargis has said.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah,

    I get what you’re saying about men. It would be nice if all men are kind, sweet, romantic, darlings to their wives whether in polygamous or monogamous marriages. Men are all different the same as women are. Some are nasty sons-of-itches and some are like teddy bears.

    The thing is, no one is talking to men on this blog. They aren’t here. So, we could talk all day and night about how we thing a man should be and what he should do, but what good does it do? He’s going to be who he is and how Allah has made him. Everyone acts according to his or her own disposition. There are going to be mean men on this planet.

    The Quran is a guide for us. Not everyone is going to follow it and no one is going to be perfect as only angels are.

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    ana i understand the concept of the honeymoon phase, but she did say not to look for any sympathy from her husband. I just wonder why it must always be wives understanding and accepting their husbands wants and feelings and very rarely the husbands, I think if a man has a wife who in this day in age isn’t yelling, filng for divorce , or carrying on and is accepting or trying very hard, he should have to try hard too,honeymoon or no, polygyny is hurtful enough a husband without sympathy ignoring the woman he first married’s feelings and emotions, or struggles, and being cavalier about it all while she suffers seems mean, I mean it is always going to be hurtful at the phase I would think. even scholars have said men should try to make it easier by being nicer to the first , buying her gifts, speaking nicely to her,etc.

     

    i do agree she was advocating her to stick up and advocate for herself.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Khadijah,

    I didn’t get from Laila’s post that Nargis should expect no love, kindness or respect from her husband because he is all into the other wife. I got from her what is commonly the case – most husbands will be into the wife whom he just married because it’s all new to them. It’s the same as when the husband married the first one. It may be that the newer wife will get a lot of attention, because the marriage is in fact new. It’s what we often time on this blog refer to as the “honeymoon period”. One could expect a husband to glow or show some new found joy prior to marrying the other and in the newness phase of the marriage. It’s normal.

    I didn’t get from Laila that she should expect the husband to dismiss her for the other one. In fact, I got that she was encouraging Nargis to demand some respect and stop bowing down to her husband and the other. She was letting her know that she need to stand up and be assertive – not let her husband and his other wife dictate to her.

  • ummof4

    January 22, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, it’s good to hear from you after such a long time; I miss you and think of you often.¬† Keep in touch and make du’ah for us and we will make du’ah for you, In shaa’Allah.¬† Stop in whenever you feel the need.¬† Luv ya!

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    ana it isn’t that I disagree about how odd it is for women to expect the other wife to put them above their own interests. The fiance couldn’t believe I was taking it so well and not being mean to her.¬† I was all you just want a husband, i get it.

     

    what concerns me is that laila just advised her not to expect sympathy or care from her Husband because he is so besotted with his other wife. this bothers me. Of course we should see love and acceptance within ourselves and not expect it from the other woman, but what is the point of being in a marriage with a man who doesn’t care about you at all.¬† Husbands SHOULD care about all of their wives feelings. I mean I am not advising her to pack her bags this moment or anything but that isn’t fair he should at least be sympathetic. otherwise he is being gratuitously cruel. imo and he doesn’t deserve her attention or respect.

  • anabellah

    January 22, 2017

    Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m happy to hear from you. It has been a loooong time. It’s so weird; it seems that when I think of certain people, they show up ūüôā

    It was nice of you to write to Nargis. I especially like when you said, “Don‚Äôt expect anyone to care for your feeling and emotional state. It is all up to you.” It’s amazing that there are so many women who believe that a co-wife is supposed to be so wrapped up in the other wife’s feelings, placing them above her own. It just doesn’t work that way especially since it’s not about the other wife. It’s about the husband having asked a woman to marry him and she agreed, which is perfectly okay to do; it doesn’t matter whether the woman married in the order of 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th.

    Laila, you said that you are a second wife. It would help if the wives state the order that they married their husbands in oppose to saying she is the 1st wife or 2nd wife or 3rd or 4th. It would be better for all of us, for instance, if you said you married your husband second. It would help women to stop thinking that they are 1st and the other came in 2nd place, for instance. Of course, we need to state the order because wives deal with different issues based on what order they married their husbands in. But, at the end of the day, we’re just wives all trying to live our marriages in the most peaceful and joyful way.

  • Laila

    January 22, 2017

    Salam everyone and Ana. I’ve been away for a very long time but yes I used to post my ideas and thoughts rather frequently. Today somehow I am compelled to reply or give an idea towards Nargis situation. Nargis, I feel so bad that you’ve been cheated by another woman who is now your co. She clearly gained your trust and later used it to her advantage. To me, that isn’t acceptable. Why? Because in order to come in as a co it should be clear from the get go. I’m not aware of what is the full story here but after reading a few of your comments I get a feeling that you’re in a lot of emotional pain. You’ve been pushed into a corner and stretched so hard. Talking to your husband isn’t going to help. If this was in my hands I would start drawing up rules and boundaries. Because at the end of the day you have kids and you need to be sane and emotionally stable to be a good mother. I don’t condone inviting my co to functions held in my home. Everyone here knows that I’ve always been one of those women who keep my co at arms length. Don’t try to be something or someone you aren’t. If her presence irritates you then put your foot down. As a wife you have given in a lot and have done your part. The least your husband and co could do is maintain the peace and space. I’m a second wife by the way. I’ve had so many issues and still do at times. What works for me is this, rules and boundaries. Don’t expect anyone to care for your feeling and emotional state. It is all up to you. You have the power to decide what and how you feel. Focusing on your co and your husband will only aggravate you further. Is it even worth the anguish? No. So take your time and just clear your mind and negative thoughts. Do a bit of contemplation of you need to, but don’t expect any form of sympathy at this juncture from your husband. He is too besotted with the second to see what’s really happening. The best right now is to care for yourself and your children. Take care.¬†

  • khadijah

    January 22, 2017

    saira Jazakallah khair sister for your kind words ,advice ,and dua.

     

     

    I never thought that he might be worried about me, it fits his personality more than what I was sure was the reason, that he thinks I am stupid or something¬† and incapable of working, but he and I both know that isn’t true, so i will say my mind was getting ahead of me, as it often does, i go through all the worst possible scenarios and reasons in my head, and his lack of ability to explain makes it worse, for everything, so at the moment my focus is making myself accept that he is not the kind of person who can easily explain or express himself, and asking Allah (SWT) to remove these doubts and negative thoughts in response from me.

     

    he is coming back from work tonight,https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif i am all made up and smell nice the house is perfect, but he probably won’t be here till 3 am so i will sleep, but I tried, lol. but you see even though I am happy and missed him, part of me is thinking i will only get a few days and then he will be off to marry her , and grrr, So i seek refuge with Allah and try not to think about any of it all. just focus on Allah, and the fact the the MR is coming home.

    ps. the kids are all sick. the tests just keep coming.

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2017

    Confused, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I wrote a post/theme/article in response to your post. Your post inspired me to write it. Why Women Should Embrace Polygamy

  • anabellah

    January 21, 2017

    Very Confused,  Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome. I’m so happy you’ve found us https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif Sorry I took so long to reply. I was waiting to see if anyone had experienced nightmares about her husband becoming polygamous. Plus I’ve been caught up with what’s happening in the United States and other countries – a historic time for us having to deal with a new divisive and hateful person who calls himself a President.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

    Anyhow, back to polygamy.

    Insha Allah, I’m going to write a post/thread inspired by your post and to respond to you and then back to the protests -women march LOL

     

  • Confused

    January 20, 2017

    Salam ladies,

    Found this blog through Google. Last night I had nightmare that I discovered my husband recently got second wive secretly. I was screaming from shock in my dream & crying like crazy. I wonder if any of u had such nightmares or any signs, instincts before ur husband remarried. I know it s very silly, but very confused.

     

  • anabellah

    January 20, 2017
  • Saira

    January 20, 2017

    Salam to all 

    Khadijah sister welcome 

    I am not so new in here like every body else and am not mature my self giving advice but I must say so far I read about who’s husband told her before taking other wife .

    many of sisters here had complained that there husband didn’t discuss with them before taking second third or forth wife¬†

    if you look at that way then count your self lucky as your husband has that type of trust bond with you as he know you so well where he shared with you heart breaking news and making you understand that he love you 

    this we’ll be hard for him too but same time it’s time to have more understanding as well¬†

    life in polygamy is like roller coaster 

    you take baby step one at Time 

    but only thing help you if you make connection with your Lord 

    every thing happend with the Allahs permission and he is the one who choose whom and when we get marrige 

    you are such a brave lady knowing he will have second wife and you showing very positive attitude will make him care for you more 

    if he doesn’t want you to work in certain places it may he well know you and just want to look after you¬†

    other one might be more brave in out side and has more experiance day today life and you been house wife must have make him worried for you 

    you should feel proud of that feeling he shows towards you sister 

    also as ummof2 mention about writing and expressing your thoughts in paper is so good 

    I use to do that when ever I feel I need to 

    in a way you write all and take every thing out and shaytan has less chances to make you go mad and you feel good

    i also one other thing 

    when actully almost all the time I have one or another issue where I can explode but what I do 

    I pray and then sit down in prayer mat and talk to my Allah like a friend and I have strong strong belive Allah listen to me very carefully 

    and when it’s not my night I feel urge to do that and when hubby is away I just do my house hold duty and take time and talk to Allah¬†

    keeping you in my prayers sis stay strong 

  • khadijah

    January 20, 2017

    Thanks you guys.I am feeling optimistic still. for the moment.

     

  • Umm of2

    January 19, 2017

    Khadija

    I remember ummof4 was saying how a stage in polygamy she was a bit jealous of her then cowife because their husband and her had no kids therefore had lots of free together time whereas her cowife may have been jealous ummof4 had kids with him. You never know she’s probably thinking the same thing how you have the kids and luxury of being a stay at home mom and homemaker. These comparisons happen to the best of us. It’s quite natural to go through this stage. Seek refuge from satan the accursed when these thoughts surface and you will be okay.

    Like sister Ana said, find an alternative. There’s so many different opportunities out there for going back to school. Do what suits you.

    Allah says be grateful and I will give you more…

  • anabellah

    January 19, 2017

    Khadijah,

    You’re at the tough stage of the game. All that you described is quite normal in that you know how and what you should think and believe, but are having a difficult time implementing it. You’re going back and forth with thinking one way and knowing that you should think another way. Knowing is good, but you’ve got to act on it and acting on it isn’t easy.

    We all must learn to be grateful for what we’ve got and not look at what others have and their lives. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Once a person gets over there (not literally) she finds out that her own grass was greener or it’s all the same. It may be greener. Who knows? I know you know all this already.

    As long as you focus on her and him, you WILL be unhappy and won’t move forward. It’s a personal jihad and you’ve got to fight the good fight. Accept what is. Don’t go into the past in your head with regrets or way into the future. Now is real. Stay in reality. Allah is the only Reality.

    I hear you about degrees. Senator Bernie Sanders said a degree is what a High School Diploma used to be. A person can’t get a decent job without a degree today. Why don’t you look into getting a degree online. Keep yourself busy in researching different professions and what interests you. It’s a good way to keep your mind off your husband and his other.

  • khadijah

    January 18, 2017

    fair points for me to consider ana.

     

    something about this year has me feeling anxious and this has only pushed that further I think, i am 27, in two years they will all be in school. InshAllah, and i was always the one pushing the idea that maybe if we were just patient i could start getting involved in the “real” world as they say. when the baby is in school, but now having the bigger two in school, i don’t think it will be so easy because it is still really inconvenient and difficult to find work during school hours.¬† so that is something else for me to consider I guess. I told him what else could I do, everything wants a degree it seems, his indecision makes me less sure of my plans. and worried about how i could take care of myself, i know what happens is divine decree, but I cannot help but think where i might be if I was finishing college at 20 instead of having my oldest. too late for regrets it was not for me.

     

    i know all is not easy for her either and she is in it for a good reason. her family is Mormon and her mom will not accept her, and she is extremely lonely all alone in mormonland with no Muslim friends or family, i was in that position , minus the Mormons, so i empathize with her. But at the same time, i want all this free time and quiet they are going to have, it isn’t that I am not grateful to Allah, just tired and jealous, and somewhat this is another of the burdens to fall on me. when so many seem to already. Alhamdulilah Allah doesn’t give us more that we can take. but some days it feels pretty close.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2017

    khadijah, it’s good to hear you had a nice day and feel that you’re making some progress. However small you may think it is, it’s something, which is much.

    You said that you think your husband may be conflicted. He very well may be. He only knows that he’s inclined to do what he’s doing, which is to support her in continuing her education to get a degree. Perhaps her family stressed that as a condition for allowing her to marry him.

    Based on what I understand, working in retail has many challenges. I know most jobs do, but dealing with all types of people all day who want what they want when they want it can be taxing. It’s not easy. He may wonder why you’d want to put yourself out there like that when you have a nice comfy home and he is taking care of you.

    His intended is young, just getting married and has no children. She may be career oriented and he wants to support her with that. He’s an older man now. He has changed. I think it sought of like parents who have their first child. They are so strict on the child and involved in all aspects of his or her life. Once the parents get to the 3rd or 4th child, they become more lenient and loosen up. Your husband may have loosened up, which is why he isn’t as riget with the intended as he was with you.

    We have to keep in mind that Allah determines everything. You are not her and she is not you. What Allah has mapped out for her is for her alone and what He has mapped out for you is for you alone. We don’t know why Allah decided as He did. Whatever was for us will never pass us and whatever passes us was never for us. It wasn’t for you to further your education and get out there in the work force. So, asking him, why, maybe problematic for your husband as he may not know why. So, he comes up with possible reasons or feel frustrated because he can’t answer you.

  • khadijah

    January 18, 2017

    ana i get where he is coming from too. and I agreed too.

     

    but I just wonder WHY he has changed his mind, when it is a little late for me.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif why he still doesn’t really want to help me to go or to get a job outside of his business or a volunteering few hours a day type gig once the little one is in school. sometimes trying to figure him out is frustrating. Especially if he is supportive of her doing so. i kid you not, he asked my why I would lower myself to retail. 0.0.¬† part of me thinks he is conflicted, and does not know what he wants either. like one day he wants me to go and the next not. Allahu alim.

     

    it is one of those issue where logic says I get it partially, but emotion and doubt say it is not fair.

    i finally put my makeup on and didn’t think about her, more than a few times,and didn’t cry, today, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif small victories perhaps.

     

     

    i am going to miss mrs. 0 too. i mean obama was same old same, in many ways, but at least we weren’t the target.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2017

    Ooooooh, I’m going to miss President and Michelle Obama. I’ve attached a link to a video/article in which London school girls were interviewed about their thoughts of First Lady Michelle Obama.

    London School Girls Thoughts of First Lady Michelle Obama

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum All,

    I’ve attached a short video/article that I watched about sisters-in-faith fighting for their right for freedom to do things without their guardians lording over them.

    Saudi Women Fighting for Their Right for Freedom from Oppression

    Note: If the video doesn’t load right away, you may have to refresh your page.

  • anabellah

    January 18, 2017

    khadijah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    No need to worry about writing lengthy posts. We don’t care about length, grammar and all that stuff here. Insha Allah, write till your heart is content.

    I kind of get where your husband and his intended is coming from regarding her education. Having only one year left to get her degree, it makes sense that she does that right away and especially while she has no children.

    Keep up the good work! ūüôā

  • khadijah

    January 18, 2017

    Alhamdulilah I know you all are right, I just have to keep telling myself that.

     

    so many doubts to contend with.

     

    rationally, I know, I know he is not a liar, if he tells me it has nothing to do with my looks, or how much he loves me, or our relationship, logically I know he isn’t lying, he may be the most blunt person I have ever known, ever. he would tell me, and he has told me he thought of this before ever he married me. but y’all know how emotions are plus shaytan loves to exploit this sort of thing and tear a couple apart. I also doubt he would end a marriage and wife hop as some brothers do, some of his friends have and he can barely contain his judgement at times. about the disrespect of Allah his laws and command and the misuse of rather vulnerable women. He is practicing and morally upright, but might spread himself too thin, KWIM. Since having kids I have become more responsible, risk adverse, and cautious. I know i can’t prevent what is meant to be. But i suspect this is a natural response to being a mother to some extent.

     

    just like rationally I KNOW he isn’t just plotting to get rid of me. I mean I know these things but the wildest thoughts get into my head, that is when I seek protection from shaytan make dhikr and go read a book or make up something to do with the kids.

     

     

    we did get into a tiff the other night. he let on that she is going to go to school and finish her degree and he will pay. i tried very hard to let it go, but 5 years ago when I wanted to continue my education, he told me no, mixing is haram and refused to pay or watch my oldest or provide me money to do so. NOW he wants me to go back ( apparently having three kids makes me safe O.o.), but I know he cannot put two wives through college and I am going to have to let her go because she has only¬† one year left. and no child obligations.¬† so on the one hand I am like make up your mind school or no school, work or not. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif i don’t know if i should be grateful he is conflicted about me going to school and then working because he doesn’t want me to mix as it is haram and he is jealous, or upset, that she gets to go to school and then get a job from the outset. I know this probably seems petty, but I was so worked up over not continuing, but accepted the limitations Allah put on me.¬† in truth I am more worried about these little seemingly unfair things chipping away at me slowly than the huge issues.¬† That is my personality i guess, I can face head on Emergent situations no matter how serious, at one moment, but if I see slight unfairness, over and over and over, i might get worn down.

     

     

    ¬† i hope you guys don’t mind my novels. Umm of 4 writing is helping. so far. and it doesn’t hurt he is so busy with his work this week that i have a bit of time without him and the kids to have a bit of a cry , let it out and the move on for the time being.

     

    SubhanAllah, you know ana i read one of your articles this week about problems arising when women attempt to deny themselves emotion on the situation (or something like that, I think it was here),  every time I force myself to not feel how I feel and pretend it is ok, I start to feel tense and nervous and snippy letting it out a bit had helped so far.

     

  • ummof4

    January 18, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Khadijah, you sound like you will be fine with polygyny.  I say this because:

    1.  You are aware of what is going on before it happens(if it still happens)

    2. You have discussed the situation with your husband and his prospective wife.

    3.  You seem to love Allah and want to obey Him and serve Him in the way He has ordered us.

    4.  You have found this blog, which is a valuable support system for any woman in a polygynous marriage.

    Stay positive. ¬†On thing that I used to do to make me feel better was to write letters. ¬†I would write letters to my husband expressing all my feelings – love, sadness, disappointment, dislike, fear, jealousy, etc. ¬†Often they would be extremely long. ¬†However, the trick is to never let him read them – keep them in a private place that only you know about. ¬†I would write at night when I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about the fact that my husband was with his other wife. ¬†Then I would be so tired I could fall asleep. ¬†It felt good getting everything off my chest without expressing my thoughts to my husband verbally in person. ¬†I knew that once I saw him that I would feel differently than when I was not around him.

    I know hat you mean about some Muslims marrying wives, not supporting them financially, then divorcing them. ¬†This pattern works both ways. ¬†Quite often the plot is man meets woman or man hears about woman or woman hears about man from a third party. ¬†Man, woman, and walee meet and discuss marriage. ¬†Man and woman believe they would make a good couple. ¬†Man promises woman that he can take care of her financially or will increase his income to provide for her. ¬†Woman believes man or is just feeling the hots for him hoping that he is telling the truth. ¬†Walee warns woman that man may not be able to provide for her financially. ¬†Woman tells walee that she doesn’t care about that aspect of marriage, everything will work itself out, because man is a good brother. Man and woman get married. ¬†Man does not fulfill his financial promise. ¬†Man and woman get divorced.

    Khadijah, if your husband is a Muslim who loves and fears his Lord, he will do right by you and his future wife, In shaa’Allah. ¬†You know your husband. ¬†Very few men change their whole personalities when they marry another wife. ¬†A husband who loves and fears Allah and prays for Allah’s blessings will treat his wives and children with dignity, respect and love. ¬†We are responsible for our own emotions and have to ask Allah for help in keeping our emotions in check.

    Everyone remember Allah Akbar!

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    Sister Khadijah,

    I know it may seem unfair that another wife shows up on the scene and seems to reap loads of benefits instantly. A wife must keep in mind that Allah is a Just God. He is the one who decides everything. Besides determining who we marry, He determines what each of us gets. So, it extremely important to stay mindful of it so that we can appreciate what Allah has given us. Allah says that when we are grateful, He gives us more. He doesn’t like ingratitude.

    Is the other really getting anymore than the first wife got? Maybe the first wife and husband worked hard to get things, but they appreciate it more with it having come that way.

    Maybe the newcomer wife will be dependent on her husband to have the good things in life whereby maybe the existing wife has her own and is more independent. Not being dependent on another person is definitely liberating.  We must learn to be grateful to Allah and not envious or jealous of others.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    khadijah,

    Thank you for sharing more with us to give us a better understanding of what you’re dealing with. I live in the Eastern part of the United States, as well. Years ago on the blog, I used to talk about what you made reference to – men who marry women and it seems as thought their dating. The men go through women so much and quickly as though it wasn’t a marriage.

    It seems as though they get the goodies and are gone at the first sign of trouble. Maybe because marriage and divorce is super easy in Islam they take advantage of it. They don’t put in the time and effort the way that they do with the first wives. I think it’s very sad.

    The women then marry someone else, have more children, again marry someone else and have more children and maybe marry another and have more children. The women have had children by each of the husbands and they end up looking whorish when they were supposedly in legitimate marriages.¬† They’ve got so many baby daddies https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    I know this because my wali and his wife are actively involved in the Muslim community, she more than he, and they have first hand knowledge of what’s going on out there. It’s a very sad situation https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • khadijah

    January 17, 2017

    I have shared with my parents and my dad is okay.

     

    but my mom and extended family are quiet negative about it. my grandfather who passed was an unexpected supporter .

     

    it is a bit funny about his mom and co wife. i have talked to them, and finally after 8 years the strain and the cracks have started to appear to me. so much so that when I pointed it out to DH last week, he told me we should never go and stay in morocco for along time again, because I was starting to pick up his family and cultural issue.¬† this one is dishonest, that one is a thief, he plays them off each other, they are petty oh so petty, he does say he will not be like that, as his parents is more a cultural situation made difficult by the fact that his mother has become religious in the last 15 or so years and co wife ( who i might add is refusing to return until she gets her papers) is mildly practicing and his father is not religious at all. i just the more people i know, the more stories you hear the more trepidation creeps into your thoughts, so many negative experiences, i live in an area of the eastern united states with alot of polygamy, alot. and all i see is men with multiple wives on welfare like a revolving door of young girls married and gone in 6 months. some spiteful women might take comfort at the possibility, but it seems so unjust to me to WANT that sort of situation on a sister and DH,¬† i find myself torn, i am hurt, he has hurt me, even though it is my fate it still hurts, but I don’t want them to be hurt. i told her that when we met week before last,¬† even if I was dying a little inside, i just kept smiling and asking her if she was serious and knew what she was getting into, and how i don’t want to see anyone hurt, i am sort of hoping by being kind and supportive to the best of my ability, i might receive at least gentleness from them on this issue, allahu alim. another area i struggle in is having to be equal in all the ways with someone he has known for all of 5 minutes. all this work and time and kids and all that brings and she gets everything and will be everything that i am/do. i know, i know i shouldn’t look at it that way, i will have rewards she doesn’t , i have been blessed with kids she may no be. she may be just as concerned about not being equal ( although my self doubt tells me this is unlikely),

    it is rather like a yo-yo i think. up down up down. but then, this whole dunya is like that.

     

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    nargis,

    A woman can only surmise why Allah placed her in a polygamous marriage. It could be for a test, so that she could see where she needs work in growing nearer to Allah and how far away she is from having faith in Allah. It could be as a punishment for her disobeying Allah and not worshiping Him. It could be as a means of purification of her soul so that she could enter Jannah/Paradise. She should view it as an opportunity to grow in faith and prepare herself to enter Jannah/Paradise and not the Hell Fire.

    We know Allah does not want us to love anyone or anything more than Him. If we do, then we’re doing something seriously wrong.

    Your post is beautiful. I love how you said, “then I guess I have to push through the pain and the confusion.

    Pls pray for me ladies that I find the strength to see through this storm.

    Its my personal Jihad I guess. I hope I accept it with humility and grace.”

    nargis, I think you’re going to be alright with the help and permission of Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    Nargis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Alhumdulliah that you’ve accepted Islam and intend to stay Muslim with or without your husband being in your life ūüôā I’m so happy for you. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    As I said before, we are here for you whenever you want to talk. I know exactly what you mean when you said people whom you know don’t understand and advise you to leave your husband. It’s easy for them to tell you that, because they aren’t you and aren’t in love with your husband. They can’t feel what you feel.

    Many may say what they think they would do if they were you, but they haven’t a clue. No one knows what they’d do until they are in the situation.

    As I had just written to Khadijah in a post, Allah says that they (unbelievers) won’t accept us until we follow their way. Think about it. If they see things the way a Muslim/Believer does, they’d be a Muslim/Believer.

    Their way is different than ours, so to expect them to understand and support you in dealing with your polygamous marriage is asking the impossible. It’s like you or me trying to understand how gay men love each other, kiss and have sex with each other.

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    Khadijah,

    All that you mentioned about the kids, vacations, a schedule are all things that you, she and he must consult about and come to an agreement. If he knows that when he and she speak with each other and text each while you are present bothers you, he should exercise patience and wait to speak with her when you’re not around. You could ask him to refrain from it at least until you’ve had more time to progress and adjust a bit more to the lifestyle change.

    About telling your Christian parents, I suppose it’s a personal call. I shared everything about Islam with my non-Muslim, Christian family when I first became Muslim, including about polygamy.I shared everything with them from day one. They were learning about Islam as I learned. Till this day, if one of them telephone me and I don’t answer, for instance, they’ll ask, “We’re you offering Salat”? They know all about Ramadan. They know what kind of food I can eat (Halal). You name it. They know it.

    Just because they know it all, I’m not saying that they accept it, because they don’t. I know this, because Allah, in the Quran, lets me know it. He says they will never be satisfied with you until you follow their way. I believe what Allah says and there is no exception to His rule. They may pretend to be okay with it all, but they certainly are not.

    A reason I shared it all with them is because I was proud of Islam and to be Muslim. They were the closest people to me. Why should I keep that information from my immediate, biological family with whom I communicated with back then regularly?

    Are you able to talk with his dad’s two wives about what you’re going through? Are you close with them?

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    Khadijah,

    It’s nice to hear you were here with us on the blog several years ago. So, you pretty much know the drill and what to expect. It’s something that a woman must go through, if she stays married to her husband after he has married another.

    How long it will take you to adjust and get to a good place is an individual thing. Some people think they’ve adjusted well quickly in the beginning only to find out that it was superficial, and they hadn’t gotten as far as they thought.

    Wives seem to go up and down in being okay one day with being in a polygamous marriage and not okay with it the next. They get somewhat tired of the yo yo, roller coaster effect, which seems never ending. They get frustrated with their selves for noting being able to be consistent.

    It has been known to take some wives years as in 3, 4 or more to finally be happy in it with peace, joy and contentment. I know for a fact that it can happen and one’s life can be better than it’s ever been.

  • khadijah

    January 17, 2017

    walaikum salaam. thank you umm of 2.

    and ana.

     

    ( i actually used to read this blog before 6 or so years ago when the topic was first broached in my house, but it went away so I was a little shocked still.)

     

    I know what I SHOULD do and and think. and for the most part I think i am DOING well. but my thoughts, oh my thoughts.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

     

    it so hard NOT to blame him and myself, even though we were seemingly doing fine, no problems with intimacy, not fighting a ton, house clean , food cooked, i was trying to lose weight even though after three kids I only gained 15 pounds.

     

    logically I KNOW why his dad has two wives and my husband is needy in the extreme.

     

    i think this next week is going to be extremely difficult i cried and made dhikr all night last night, he is working away from home all this week and then next week he is off to her. so i am alone holding down the fort, the day time is largely fine with the kids and other distractions, but at night it is just me and it would seem shaytan. does he have time to talk to her when he hasn’t got time to talk to me. little gnawing things like that.

     

    and i keep thinking i may never be able to look at him the same. and it will never be the same.

     

    how long did it take for you to banish these doubts and emotions. i know i just have to be patient and trust Allah is Just.¬† then there is the practical what will it mean for my kids to lose resources and the limited time he already¬† has for them, and me. and the vain how will vacation¬† work, should I tell my parents , they are christian and will try to get me to leave, of course i won’t, but i don’t really need that stress.

    taking it one day at a time,

    but still feeling pretty bleak…..

     

    (sorry that was a bit of pity me novel https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif)

  • anabellah

    January 17, 2017

    Khadijah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’d like to thank Umm of2 for welcoming you. Thank you, umm of 2 ūüôā

    Khadijah, Alhumdulliah that you‚Äôve found this blog. I’m hopeful we’ll be able to help you. I can say that we will try.

    I really know what you are going through, and I empathize with you. Please don’t feel that you are a failure because your husband intends to marry another woman. It’s not a negative reflection on you. In fact, it could be the opposite. Allah may want good for you and has chosen you not only to be Muslim, but to take this awesome test (being in a polygamous marriage) so you could journey nearer to Him.

    It‚Äôs important you realize that just because your husband is going to marry another doesn’t mean that he loves you any less. He has shown you that he cares in that he has pleaded to you, asking you not to cry and saying that he doesn’t want to hurt you. Believe him when he says those things. He most likely means it. He may feel the love for you more than ever now, and you both may realize how much you mean to each other.

    Many fail to realize that men are tested, tried, rewarded and punished the same as women are. Many men don’t understand polygamy the same as women don’t. Some men don’t know why they must become polygamous, but make excuses for why they did or think that they did. Bottom line is that Allah chose who will be in polygamous marriages and with whom.

    Khadijah, your husband simply knows that he must carry this out and he doesn’t want to hurt you. He isn’t hurting you. He is only doing what Allah has decreed. We all carry out Allah’s decree. So, you need to find a way to not blame your husband. He’s not hurting you. You are hurting yourself by not accepting what Allah has decided for you, your husband and his other (Insha Allah, soon to be wife). Only Allah knows if it will actually happen or not.

    About sacrificing, you need to read the post that I wrote to a recent commentator here named ‚Äúnargis‚ÄĚ. Here is the link. comment about sacrifices

    Here is a link to an article that may help you to prepare for the upcoming wedding. polygamous wedding night blues

  • Nargis

    January 17, 2017

    Salam

    Annabelle that is a very important question. 

    I did convert for my husband in the initial stages. Honestly speaking I lrob would not have even known or thought of converting of not for him. 

    But Over the years I have accepted Islam and I am going to be Muslim whether I am with him or not.

    Thank you so much ladies. 

    This is the only place that I can speak openly. Very few of the friends I have spoken to dont even understand how I can still stay or live with him. They think its the ultimate betrayal. 

    I guess I can do is accept that is has happened and move on. Put my trust in Allah that this has happened for a reason. 

    I liked what you said Annabelle that Allah has put me in this situation and only he can remove me from this olace as and when he wishes. 

    I have heard the saying Whatever Happens, Happens for a reason. I am trying to figure out what is the reason this happened. Maybe I needed to change. Maybe I was too dependent on my husband. Maybe I needed to grow as a person. Who knows 

    Thill then I guess I have to push through the pain and the confusion. 

    Pls pray for me ladies that I find the strength to see through this storm. 

    Its my personal Jihad I guess. I hope I accept it with humility and grace. 

     

  • Umm of2

    January 16, 2017

    Khadijah

    as salaamu alaikum. Your husband getting married again has nothing to do with you being enough or not, skinny or curvy, long hair or short hair. Desire for multiple marriages is in their blood. It’s inevitable. They can’t resist. Don’t doubt his love towards you. Men are quite capable of loving more than one woman. His future wife will not stay youthful n skinny forever. She too will age. Think, you spent years with him alone just you two. She is coming into an already existing family so y’all both have tests cut out for the both of you¬†

    Alhamdullilaah for always aiming to put Allah first. That’s the best thing. You could have been doing everything by the book but that doesn’t mean Allah will not test you. Allah tested all the Prophets some with leprosy, disobedient children, and so on and so forth and they served Allah more than we ever can. We are in this world to be tested not to live happily ever after with no test n trials.¬†

    It takes a while to get to a good place in polygamous marriages oftentimes years. But turn to Allah even more, grow nearer to Him. Look for the blessings in this test. 

     

  • khadijah

    January 16, 2017

    My  husband is getting married next week. i found out two weeks ago.

     

    i have no one to talk to, have to hide from everyone, and i feel like I have failed. i have tried so hard to please Allah first and then my husband. i have three kids between 2 and 6 no help and no family. i am waffling between acceptance and heartbreak, i tried to keep it to myself, last night ( every night) they were texting she was helping him with something I used to do, so i started to cry a bit I couldn’t stop it entirely just pretend I wasn’t, and he was all “please don’t cry, i don’t want to hurt you.” i just said “I know” but for real inside I was screaming ” don’t want to hurt me? are you kidding me with that bologna”.

     

    one minute i think i could accept it and another i think i can only accept it if i force myself to not love him anymore. i keep thinking why am i not enough.

     

    she is younger and skinnier too. not prettier but younger and skinnier.  i keep having the same thoughts, is he tired of me, no longer attracted, etc, etc,etc.

     

    in a dark place right now.  but I was kind to her and have mostly been attempting patience.even if i think i am dying inside. although part of me wonders why I AM THE ONE TAKING THE HIGH ROAD. why do i have to sacrifice when everyone else wins. i know this probably is islamically incorrect  but it is how i feel sometimes.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    tunis,

    I really like the words that you posted. It’s a beautiful saying. Thanks for re-posting it.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    If we always bring our thoughts back to Allah, we’ll be in good shape, as you statedhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • tunis

    January 16, 2017

    Thank you Ummof4 for telling me this…you also have put my mind at rest.

    …I should not even let myself go there with these thoughts of mine. ¬† ¬†I should remember the words I have posted here b4…..’Flowers don’t compete with each other..they just bloom’.

    My focus should not be on her..but on being a better muslim  and obeying Allah as He commands us to.

    Thanks sisters !

    Thank Allah for this blog. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

     

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    Oh, Nargis, one other thing.

    You said you left your husband, your family and Christianity to become Muslim for your husband. If your husband where to divorce you, do you think that you would continue to be a Muslim or would you leave the religion? It’s a question that you need to ask yourself. All that we tell you here will be of no use, if you’re not sincere about accepting Islam for the right reason.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The ladies have given you the best advice ever. If you just want to talk to have someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through or have questions, we’re here for you. You’re not alone. Everything is going to be okay? ūüôā

  • Umm of2

    January 16, 2017

    Nargis the ladies took the words right out of my mouth. The only thing I can reiterate and lag emphasis on is the simple fact you should never convert for a man. Do it for yourself and truly accept Islam and our way of life in your heart and follow it. Take this time to do just that, grow nearer to Allah.

    I must agree your husband is asking for a bit much. He needs to think how he would feel if you divorced him and married his best friend. They both need to give you time and stop forcing it all on you. Let things play out naturally.

    We are all here for you sis. Turn to Allah. You won’t be disappointed if and when you do.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    Nargis,

    You said you’re concerned about whether your husband loves you. Allah has made men to be capable of loving more than one woman at a time. Your husband could love you and his other at the same time. Eventually, if it pleases Allah, you will only care whether Allah loves you or not. You won’t care one iota if your husband or anyone else loves you.

    I don’t know why your husband is taking her side and not being patient and sympathetic to you. Perhaps he’s not a patient, sympathetic person. You’d know him better than I do. He sounds quite selfish to me, based on what you’ve said.

    You’re going to have to pull yourself together because the matter is taking a serious toll on you. I know what you are going through. It’s an earthly hell.

    You could ask your husband if he wants a divorce so that he could be with her only, but be prepared for the answer. I would NOT suggest that you become subservient and submissive to your husband to keep him in your life and you let her and him control you and your life. If you do, you will find no peace and contentment in the marriage.

    Allah tends to turn those things away from us that we love more than Him or He give us things to lead us astray when we love anything or anyone more than Him.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    Nargis,

    In order for you to get to a good place and be content and at peace in your life, you need to make life about Allah. You need to turn to Him with sincerity. Only He can help you. He tells us to seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. He says it is indeed difficult except for those who are humbly submissive to Him. You need to humbly submit yourself to Allah, not to your husband, nor to his other wife. You say you pray and pray but still can’t find any peace. You’ll have to keep doing it with sincerity to serve Him – persevere. Allah does things when he see fit. He’ll change your condition when He decides. He says He will not change the condition of a person until the person changes what is in his or her heart. You need to learn what Allah expects of us and make your intention to do it. You need to do a self-evaluation/self-analysis to see where you have fallen short in the worship and service to Allah.

    Another thing you said is that you can’t believe your husband has done this to you. Allah chooses our mates. He decided that your husband would marry that woman, when and how. If they’ve done anything wrong, they will account to Allah for it. As long as you blame your husband and his other for what you’re going through, you will have no peace in your life. Think about it; how could you have peace while blaming them when the very people whom you are blaming are still together and in your life? It makes no sense.

    I will tell you that being needy and all over him now will not help. I understand that it’s something you feel inclined to do, but it definitely won’t bring him closer to you. You, yourself said that your husband hates that you are emotional all the time and he has gotten to the point that He ignores you when you are in tears. You should let him be and stop asking question. It may not be easy to stop, but you need to make it your intention to stop and ask Allah to help you.

  • anabellah

    January 16, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Again, there is nothing that says wives married to the same man in polygamous marriages must be friends. If they are, I suppose it’s a wonderful thing. It depends on their faith. Some people can lead others astray. Some can be of a good influence on others. Allah knows best.

    Nargis, you really need to get yourself right with Allah for you to have peace in your life. If you’re turning to Allah now just to get rid of the pain that you’re feeling and to have a better marriage, then that is a problem. We are to accept Islam/Allah to worship Him, not to get a husband or anything else. There are some people who may say that they don’t want to hear all of that, they just want to feel better and have a good marriage. Well, if that’s the case, Allah knows best what will happen. It definitely won’t be good.

    I see a lot that is problematic in what you’ve said about you, your husband and the other wife. He said that his other has sacrificed to be with him. You said you think you need to sacrifice your feelings and pretend all is alright. Furthermore, you stated she and your husband said that she will sacrifice for you and leave the marriage. NOTE: A prayer that we should make is “Truly my living, my dying, my prayers and my sacrifice are all for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds”. Our sacrifices should all be for Allah, not for a spouse, children or anyone or anything else. We should do things seeking the good pleasure of Allah, wanting Him to be pleased with us.

    You said your husband’s other said she accepted you and she doesn’t understand why you can’t accept her. Of course she “accepted” or tolerates you because she wants your husband. Maybe she’s hoping that he will divorce you or you will divorce him. Don’t expect that she will try to make anything easy for you and don’t ask her to. It’s her desire that she is getting fulfilled. It has nothing to do with accepting you. She has not done you any favor. Don’t listen to her when she or your husband say she has done something for you.

    What makes you think that you need to sacrifice how you feel and pretend to like your situation? What good will that do? It won’t make your life better.

  • Serena

    January 16, 2017

    Asalamu alaykum

    Nargis

    Sister I think you should re read the advice that was given to you when you wrote your first few posts. Especially the bits about turning to Allah.

    Nargis if you have told your husband you yourself don’t want any contact with his other wife nor want your children to have any contact with her then stick to your decision. Don’t let him or her force communication. He really needs to respect your decision.

    Let your husband know you accept polygamy but don’t accept the way they went about it. Is that so difficult for him to understand? If he doesn’t understand get someone else to talk to him. ¬†Do you have a wali that can talk to him?

    I hope you don’t get offended by what I say but sometimes we need to accept changes. Do you accept their marriage? Not how they went about it but do you accept that him and her are married? Once you really accept that they are husband and wife just like you and him then it will help you move on.

    You should take your other friends advice and ignore and just live your life. Let them get on with their life and don’t let it bother you whatever they do in their time together. I know that is very easy said then done but it’s up to us to start making these small changes and with help of Allah you will find peace. The more you think about them the more you will hurt yourself emotionally. ¬† ¬†

    Don’t give up on asking Allah for help. ¬†Only Allah can heal your pain. Allah knows what they done to you and what you are going through. ¬†Allah doesn’t want us to be sad. Take this as a trial/test and as a means to get closer to Allah. We are all tested in this world in different ways especially with things and people we love the most.

    You asked how long it took the ladies to get over the hurt and to move along. That differs with each person but it doesn’t happen over night. It has alot to do with the individual too and if they were willing to move on and what did they do to help move on.

    What’s happened has happened but sister don’t let yourself get depressed about it. Thank Allah for what you have. You love your husband he could have just left you but he didn’t. Allah hears and sees all. Do dua to Allah that he strengthens bond of love and mercy between you and husband.¬†

  • ummof4

    January 16, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tunis, my husband married a woman half our age. ¬†I did talk to her before they were married and she seemed respectful. ¬†As I stated some days ago, they were divorced because she was backbiting me to my husband, something he will not tolerate at all. ¬†She did think that she was “all that” because of her youth, but I know otherwise. ¬†My husband and I have the sort of marriage that makes my grown children jealous. ¬†We are very connected and finish each other’s sentences. ¬†It’s obvious that we are as much in love today as we were 41 years ago. My older daughter says that we have one brain, but it’s more like we have one heart to me. ¬†If a couple have been married for a long time and have the type of marriage where they have no major issues, a younger wife may be fascinating for a while, but she will “get old” fast. ¬†However, if a couple that have been married for a long time have major issues and have just been tolerating each other for years, the husband may be more inclined towards the younger wife because he sees her as a new beginning and starting over. ¬†A Muslim husband who is serious about his deen of Islam will treat both wives with love and respect.

    Nargis, you stated that you became Muslim for your husband and he promised never to marry another wife while he was married to you. ¬†The best intention is to become Muslim to obtain the correct relationship with our Lord and Creator, Allah. Ladies, do not believe a man who says he will never marry another wife! Do not put that in a marriage contract! He doesn’t know what he will do in the future! None of us know what the future holds for us; only Allah knows.

    Nargis, stay strong and don’t be pressured into doing anything that you don’t want to. ¬†Keep the relationship with your husband’s other wife as distant or as close as you feel comfortable with. ¬†There is no reason that she has to be at every event with your children, except to keep throwing in your face that she shares a husband with you. ¬†Your children already have a mother, they don’t need two mothers. ¬†May Allah help all of you in your situation and let your husband give you the space that you need.

    Everyone have a successful day obeying Allah as He ordered us to.  That will get us into the Jannah, our ultimate goal.

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2017

    Nargis,

    I don’t think you’re crazy, but you are, if you trust that woman. Allah tells us that those who trust put their trust in Him. Don’t trust that woman. When someone shows you who they are believe them. You should want nothing to do with that woman. She’s deceptive and manipulative. Okay. I’ve got to go now…

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2017

    Nargis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I only read the first paragraph of your post and I need to respond before reading the rest. I’ll have to come back to the blog later to read the rest.

    Right off the bat I can tell you that your husband is soooooo wrong to be putting his other wife on you and your children the way that he is doing. All about polygamy is new to you. He went behind your back and married your best friend. He is crazy to think that you will accept her into your life again so easily, if ever. It takes time for a wife to accept polygamy when she didn’t agree to it, but found herself in it. It sometimes takes years and years to get to a good place about it. It doesn’t happen over night. Let her go get her own kids. If she can’t, then, she ought to just wait till you are ready for her to be in your life, if ever.

    Those are my thoughts about it. Insha Allah others will chime in and I’ll approve the posts. Insha Allah, I’ll get back as soon as I can.

  • Nargis

    January 15, 2017

    I also do take it as some sort of a betrayal as before we got married he promised me hat he will never take another wife even though its allowed in Islam and that he will never do that to me.

    Now they he falls in love with her. So does that mean that he loves me no more?

    How can he only take her side and see her side and not see what hell I am going through. 

    Does he still even ant me in his life or is he staying on just for the sake of it. 

    What am I fighting this hell everyday for if he does not even love me?

    I know I sound crazed but I feel I am going mad i am losing my hair in tufts. 

    I smile outside and pretend eveything is fine when with others but I am dying inside.

    I know I should love selflessly but I also need to know that he still cares for me and loves me. 

    Otherwise its a lost battle. 

    I prob sound needy and I was never like this. I was a strong confident woman but this double whammy has really screwed me over

     

  • Nargis

    January 15, 2017

    Salam all 

    Hope you remember me. Unfortunately the situation does not seem to be improving at the moment. I am trying really really hard to accept the seco d marriage. But she is not making it easy for me with interference with my kids. She may be attached to them as she was my clise friend before BUT she is pushing my limits. She wants to be present for their birthdays or their sports plays etc. I want her to keep away but she has brainwashed my husband into thinking that I am deliberately pushing her away to insult her.

    I did meet with her last week to ask her to give me some space and also if she wants to everything to be civil then to give me more time. But she tells me that they have not done anything wrong for me to forgive and for me to act this way. That second marriages is Halal in Islam. I said I agree that taking a second wife is halal but the way they went around the marriage decieveing me and her being my best friend and betraying me is not right! 

    She married him at a time when my marriage was having its issues and she heard all my problems as a friend and she pretended to be my friend at the same time!

    Now my hubby sayd she has sacrificed eveything to be with him but even though I love him I am not able to accept this marriage so I dont really love him. Otherwise I would have said I love you no matter what..she keeps telling my hubby why cant I accept her when she can accept me as the first wife. I am so confused. 

    I feel I need to either sacrifice my feelings and pretend all is alright. Welcome her into the family amd try and be friends with her so just move on with my life. 

    I have my friend who tells me to ignore this and just live my life. 

    Do what I want but the problem is ..now my focus is only him and her. I am not able to concentrate on anythu g else at the moment. 

    Can any of you ladies tell me how long it took your’ll to get over the hurt and start to move on with just living peacefully wothout pain and hurt and feeling like you will burn inside everytime you picture them together.

    I want to move on but unable to. 

    I cant focus or think about anything else but him and also her 

    I pray and pray pray but still find no peace.

    I was a Christian but converted to Islam for him

    Left my family behind for him. Cannot belive he did this to me. 

    Cannot believe she did this to me.

    The worse thing is I have not even asked her to leave, but keeps telling him that I am not happy so she will leave though she has absolutely intention of leaving and that it will be a HUGE sacrifice to her. I know its manipulation as when she says that he tells her that I have the choice to leave the marriage myself if I am not happy but she does not need to to. She then sniffs and says OK whatever you say.

    I asked her not to say that anymore as we both know its something she doesnt mean and that it creates more problems between my hubby  and me cause he says she is willing to sacrifice herself for me but you cannot accept this even though you say you love me and want to be in the marriage. He says see she is so self sacrificing, she thinks so much about you etc etc..

    Am I wrong in not trusting her at the moment?

    Or is it cause I am so hurt I am misjudging her?

    Please help me move on from this pain. I cannot concentrate on anything. I wait for his calls. I wait like a baby for my time with him. Its ridiculous. I can feel myself acting stulid but I can help myself. 

    I am emotional all the time which he hates..

    He even ignore me when I cry now when before he couldnt stand to see tears jn my eyes

    Have I pushed him away?

    Have i done somethimg wrong. 

    Should I just leave him be and stop asking him any questions?

    Pls help  me ladies..

     

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2017

    Crystal, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Insha Allah, vent about whatever you want, anytime. It’s slow here now. I tend to put things on the blog that are not related to polygamy when it’s slow like this.

    Actually, your comment about backbiting is relevant because wives tend to do that when it comes to co-wives. (I’m not speaking of our anonymous posts that we make anonymously on this blog that are to help one another).

    I find the least amount of people that I associate with the better off I am from an Islamic perspective. People are on all different levels of faith, if they’re Muslim. If Non-Muslim we and them have a totally different way of life. I know we can’t be alone, as only Allah is One. Furthermore, He tests us with one another. We’ve got to accept that He has made everyone and everything the way that they are and He said that if He wanted us all to be the same, He would have created us that way. He says that He created everything in perfect proportion. So, the handicapped person is perfectly made; you are; I am and everyone is. What we do, say etc, He designed it that way. He said He created some to be Muslim and some not to be. He decided. We don’t decide. So to expect everyone to behave as a Muslim/Believer is an unrealistic expectation.

    I like your post, as it got me thinking. Alhumdulliah, He had you write the inspirational post.

  • Crystal

    January 15, 2017

    Wa Alaikum Salaam sister Ana

    & Jazakallah Khayra for the words of encouragement. As you said to sister Tunis what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Im reaching a stage where i dont have to ‘people please’ anymore Whats the point right? most times the good you do is not appreciated so i do the best i can under the circumstances & those that see the good Alhamdulillah & for those that only want to see or find fault too bad for them.

    What dis heartens me though is that we call ourselves muslims who follow the Sunnah of our beloved prophet (saws) & yet we can back bite each other so easily & be nice in front of each other. Is it simply the way women are created ? Seems we need to constantly work on ourselves to be sincere human beings. may Allah guide us all Inshalah !

    sorry im just venting presently & i know this is non related just needed to write it to feel it & correct myself as well Inshalah.

    luv n Salaams to all 

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 15, 2017

    Sis, Tunis,

    As you know, we sisters are all here to help one another. I pray Allah is well pleased with us ūüôā {{{hugs}}} lol I got a chuckle too. But what I said is soooo true.

  • Tunis

    January 15, 2017

    You know sometimes sis Ana…I wish I could just give you a big ole hug and kiss ! Subhannallah you have a way at putting my heart at ease. .https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif..and a chuckle too.¬†

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear sister ūüôā

    You’re doing wonderfully. Remember, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You’re not dead yet.

    But on a more serious note. With regard to your question about what you should ask or know about a co-wife, I think it’s personal choice (I don’t like using the word choice, but you know what I mean). I think in the beginning, most wives want to know as much as they can about the other. It’s just a natural inclination to make comparisons and to know who your husband is with. It depends on how much you want to know and how much you can handle. Some wives want to know everything; some want to know very little; some want to know nothing at all.

    You should know that wives who are younger, even if it’s an older wife who is younger to the point the age definitely doesn’t matter, will see herself as something special. They think it gives them an edge. I’ve found that they seem to paint themselves as a person who has the secret to youth and will be young forever. You’d think Allah gifted them with something unique and wonderful that no one else has ever had LOL.They tend to not see that the older wife was once her age, too and she will soon reach it as well. So, she needs to get over herself.

    In the case of your husband being older than your co is, look at from a positive side in that you were with him in his younger hay days and was able to enjoy it with him and raise your children together during that time. She has a man who will grow older as we all do and she may see him as a dad like figure. Who knows? Maybe he’s grandpa age.

    Anyhow, just enjoy your husband. He may feel more relaxed, at ease and comfortable with you. I dunno. Don’t sweat the small stuff. So, she’s younger. Don’t make an opera out of it. Ya know what I’m saying?

    Anyhow, don’t look at it as whether you accept polygamy or not. See it as a journey and an opportunity to grow nearer to Allah and get yourself prepared for the Hereafter. Time is short and we don’t know when our time will be up…

    Insha Allah, ummof4 will stop in soon and address your question.

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2017

    Crystal, As Salaamu Alaikum, sister, ūüôā

    You’re doing so good in hanging in there, dealing with your mother-in-laws. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with a difficult mother-in-law. I pray Allah takes you through it and reward you immensely for it. Keep up the good workhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2017

    I know this is not blog related, but I’d like to share it anyhow. I’m going to miss the President and First Lady Obama soooooo much!

  • Saira

    January 14, 2017

    MashaAllah sister Ana 

    u have very good educating career and it’s amazing to know how you love Quran and read¬†

    in sha Allah I will make habbit like you and read all the time and try to put this in my daily routine 

     

  • tunis

    January 14, 2017

    Welcome back Saira….inshallah Allah send His goodness to ¬†you. ¬†…all the sisters in their struggles in this dunya. Ahlan wa sahlan sister!

  • tunis

    January 14, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum…and hello everyone !

    I dont even know how to ask this question….but as many of you know…I am an older woman and hubby recently took 2nd wife. I dont know much of her at all other than she is a woman….haha…..but as Ummof4 had mentioned….there was a time her husband married another wife considerably younger than him…but was she way younger than Ummof4…..?

    So to Ummof4….how did you deal with this…..if there was a difference in age between wives. ¬†I know many of the wives and co wives here..are within age range of each other….and they feel all those emotions….but a 20 yrs apart gap or more between wives with hubby being up in age…..I want to prepare myself with right frame of mind…or choose not to know if hubby begins to tell me. ¬†

    Is this still me not accepting polygamy by my feeling like this ?

    If you had a CHOICE to know or not about co wife….what would you want to know?

    I m still on that roller coaster ride….perhaps a smaller roller coaster now ? Anyway..just an update with me…and where I m at now in my new journey in life…

  • anabellah

    January 14, 2017

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You made me laugh when you said that when you woke up your husband was gone and you were relieved about it. LOL Husbands are an awful lot of work LOL I know what you were talking about.

    Saira, I find I usually get my best sleep after Fajr. It’s so easy then. It’s as though Allah rewards me with easy sleep after I offer Fajr prayer and read Quran.

    I know what you mean when you said it seemed that Allah was talking directly to you when you were reading the Quran. He does. He teaches. He gives us understanding. It’s why I don’t read footnotes in the Quran. In fact, the Quran that I read, which is pictured on the front of the blog, doesn’t have footnotes. Footnotes are limiting. Reading Quran is personal connection between Allah and us when we read it with sincerity to learn it to live it. We need to make our intent to put it into practice. I’ve been reading Quran for 30 years and it seems I’m just reading and getting understanding for the first time, each time I read it. It’s truly amazing. I try to make sure that I read some every morning at Fajr time. I always continue where I left off. I read from beginning to end over and over again. We have to seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before we read the Quran to prevent Satan from entering in. Allah tells us in the Quran to do that. Make sure you read it out loud in a slow rhythmic tone, which Allah says in the Quran as well.

    I’m so happy you’re finding peace from Allah. Alhumdulliah! ūüôā

  • Crystal

    January 14, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum 

    Sister Saira i agree with sister Ana if you have your own home you should not subject yourself to people who call themselves family & can be so nasty. On the other hand its probably a catch twenty two situation for you since you’ve already ageeed.

    I would let hubby know that i’ll stay for 40 days only. That way you comprising & Inshalah you’ll get some help in their home with the baby. First sign of any abuse i will leave.

    i pray Allah makes it easy on you Inshalah.

    Presently i’m also very frustrated with my mother in law. Shes very old but her mind still 100% Sadly shes controlling & has a sharp tongue, which she admits too. Its worst than the dynamic with co wife ! Im trying very hard to make Sabr as our living arrangements change soon and i wont be taking care of her any longer. Dont think i’ve ever wished for time to move faster as i do presently.

    Pls remember me in your Duas sisters & an Angel will say Ameen & for you too Inshalah

     

  • Saira

    January 14, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum 

    sister Ana and sister umma of 2

    jazakAllah for giving me strength 

    soon after I read sister Ana comment I woke up and read thajud prayer and begged to Allah and ask for help and said today he need to help me  then soon after fajar I slept 

    I woke up and hubby was gone and I was relief 

    he then start txting me and almost all day he ate my Brain with so much horrible questions

    i in between his horrible txt kept reading Duas and asking Allah to get this shaytan out of him or give him calm and or make him quite 

    my head was so sore and it was last txt i said to him he started before 12 and nearly magrib time and now I won’t keep replying to his txt and that Allah help him and he should go and read namaz too¬†

    I was listing bayan as well all day 

    one of story I heard in one of scholor mention that there was man and he was standing alone in front of so much crowd and he said to crowd they don’t know how much power he has and they can’t harm him¬†

    he was telling them power of ayat ul Kursi 

    that Allah send his angels to help if you truly belive in Allahs help

    that story touched my heart I begain to cry in prayer and said to Allah 

    i will not eat or drink until he calm my husband or show me sign 

    my husband txt me saying he will look after our baby and it will be my fault if baby is not well and I am with him only for sake of baby and he will decide baby future 

    I read this msgs and cryied so much and said to Allah now it’s all you who will save me as I won’t eat until you show me that you are looking at me¬†

    then after sometime I put Quran in my phone I was listening earlier that day

    when I put Quran on it was with translation 

    and one of Surah lawman verse came straigh away And the ayat said ¬†surely Allah is the one who has knowledge of hour and he is the one who had knowledge of what’s in mothers womb and he is the one send rain and he is the one knows about future and he is the one ¬†who knows about what will happend tomorrow¬†

    mans he is the one who knows which land will die 

    it seems like Allah was talking to me and telling me that I should not worry for any thing as he is the one I should put my trust on 

    I begged and. Cried vd joy 

    it is so easy to ask Allah alone for help felt like I earn every thing knowing how to ask Allah for help 

    turley it was miracle of Allah 

    my husband did not said any hard txt and came home unexpecdetly holding bag of my favourite fruits and sweets 

    I did not spoke to him at all but he went away and ask how I am and I said JazakAllah for food 

    sister Ana you are right feel like today all of your post came in my heart when u alwsy stress all of sister to focus on Allah and not to loose hope 

    indeed Allah is near 

  • Umm of2

    January 14, 2017

    Saira

    be subservient to Allah alone. Best of luck to you and baby. May you have a quick and easy labor, delivery and recovery.

  • Saira

    January 14, 2017

    Wow MashaAllah sister Ana 

    i cried reading your post 

    May Allah keep you in his blessing Ameen 

    I do feel like I need to grow up you always give a good advice Alhamdulih 

    ¬†got Ho to c if you replied and it’s almost fajar time and JazakAllah for giving me wise wake up call and huge support¬†

    May Allah bless you and your family ameen

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2017

    Siara,

    In answer to your questions:

    Allah hears our cries to Him as soon as we call on Him.

    Allah doesn’t like when people prey on the weak whether the weak are men, women or children.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2017

    Sister Saira,

    I really don’t get how you say that your in-laws and your husband treat you so terribly and, yet, you still intend to go stay in their home with them for three months. It makes no sense whatsoever to me. They don’t own you. You are your own person. You are a grown woman. They don’t get to take control of your life and tell you what to do. You’ve made your intention to let them do that. Bull crap if I’d go stay with a bunch of people who mistreat and abuse me every chance that they get when I have a home of my own that I can be in. Are you kiddin me? You need to stand up for yourself and make them respect you by not being bothered with them. They could kiss a part of my body where the sun doesn’t shine.

    Another thing I don’t get is women walking about pretending to their husbands that they are happy and all is honky dory the whole while suffering inside. That’s ludicrous. If I’m upset or angry with my husband or anyone else, you best believe I let them know it. Where in Islam does it say a woman or man has to put on an act and show a face that is not true? It’s one thing to be polite and cordial to people whom one doesn’t like. It’s another thing to be around people who are close to you as in a husband and family and have to pretend to like their ill treatment of you. SMH

    Do you think he and his family will like you more if you do as they say? They won’t respect you more for letting them walk all over you. If I were you, I’d tell him that I’m not going to his family home to stay. I’m going to stay in my own home and if they don’t like it. Show him and them that you aren’t some stupid ho (whore).

  • Saira

    January 13, 2017

    Umma of 2 

    my socail worker develop bond with me now and I belive its Allah who put softness in my heart and in their too

    i won’t hide any thing from them and Also they will see the living situation and she will then make arrangemts for me¬†

    in my mind am keeping thinking will my husband ever regret what he been doing to me 

    he shows no sympathy at all

     I am just thinking on day of judgment Allah will give me reward for my hardship 

    am looking forward for my reward in here after 

    people in Syria are dying I can not compre my hard time with those people 

    Alhamdulih I am under safe roof and eating on time and all 

    I already starting to feel strange in around his family and him 

    feel like I was never belong to them 

    does Allah punish people when they hurt weak person?

    is Allah listening to me when I made dua and cry 

    I know once i leave my husband probably forget about me within a day’s and I know I will never forget our good days¬†

    I feel like traveller 

  • Saira

    January 13, 2017

    Sister Ana and umm of 2

    i left all in Allahs hand and I am making dua to Allah to help me and let me have few months in patients and I will leave this marrige in shaAllah

    i don’t want to end up now as I have to work out to get my son back and many other things I have to w8

    mum in law is trying from few months to keep me in her home most of time so she can keep eye on his son and tie me there so I won’t have any privacy at all or any day off with him nor he take me any where¬†

    but my social worker will be supporting me too they are very supportive with me now 

    mum in law does not love me Ana neither has any intention as your fear

    its just she is trying to break bond between me and my husband 

    I made arrangements befrore and it was decided my hubby will stay with me and for few weeks will stay there so I can have rest and all relitives can greet us same house but she said I should stay vd her and now she suggested  if I want I can go in my nights in my home 

    i have no idea if she is just willing to help or don’t know how women feel for her husband after having baby¬†

    I was quite since that meeting and seeing my husband evil side 

    we not talking he been txting bad and I did not reply and he calm down 

    I have no objection staying at mum in law or any where now as I clearly made intention to  just have this hard time pass and make my way 

    husband must be thinking this is another fight and after few days things will be normal but now it’s not about me any more¬†

    my cousin and his wife would love to come and help but I think I will make them alert and angry. So only am going trying to be very normal and happy but deep down I am passing time 

    miracle do happend I know but I have clear intention to leave this marrige since am pregnant what a horrible pregnancy I had 

    every trimester brings new trial 

    from two days I am crying and making dua to Allah and indeed he will looking at me 

    more I make dua more my Heart is strongly suggesting to leave this marrige 

    I love my husband so much but my life is like that if I am happy all in laws so up set with me it’s always someone try to break us and my husband has very weak eman and trust and any one can mold him¬†

    I feel like door mat and do unpure just the accusation he thinks and made on my character 

    I always forgive and forget but what he done and show I won’t forgive at all¬†

    from many months I been smiling and showing him normal attitude but deep down I slowly starting to see and more and more I disgust my self vd reality 

    humen are difficult creature my Allah will show then surely how they hurting me in this condition 

     

  • Umm of2

    January 13, 2017

    Saira you have to figure out your next steps as it’s clear as daylight your husband will not accept your first born son. It’s a bitter pill to swallow for him as Ana explained. Boy what a rough pregnancy this has been for you. My heart truly goes out for you. This should be a joyous time for you. I think it sounds fishy your mom n law wanting y to stay with her for three months. That’s such a long time. I know with my kids after giving birth I just wanted to be in my own bed my own space. Maybe your cousin you spoke of can come and help you with the baby for the first few weeks. I strongly advise not to stay with your mom n law. Respectively decline her offer. When you stayed before it sounded horrible. No privacy, your husband sleeping on the floor. I think u said his mom slept in the same bed as you. Pakistani’s are really tight nit.¬†

    Your husband continues to verbally abuse you saira you have to stand up for yourself. Find your voice and use it sister. Don’t be a doormat. You seem to be such a nice soft hearted person. Do not be taken advantage of¬†

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2017

    Saira,

    It concerns me that his mother wants you to stay with them for three months. As I said before, I don’t know what is going on that social services was involved with you and I don’t want you to discuss it on the blog because although we don’t know you, it’s too personal. I don’t want you to put too much information out there in cyberspace that may let someone put together the pieces and try to identify you to hurt you. There are a lot of people on this planet that are evil and hurtful. They can do no good.

    It bothers me about your mother-in-law as we don’t know her intent. Does she want you there with her because she loves you and wants to help take care of you and the baby? It would be nice, but my gut feeling says it’s more than that. She and your husband may be planning to take your child from you permanently once she’s born. As you are already involved with Social Services, she may think it would be easy to get custody of your child, even if she must lie to do so. Maybe she legitimately think she needs to be up close and personal with you and the child to protect you both. I wouldn’t know because I don’t know you.

    You really need to turn to Allah for help, guidance and protection.

  • anabellah

    January 13, 2017

    Sister Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It angers me that your husband talks to you the way that he does. It’s unacceptable and you don’t have to tolerate it. A man shouldn’t call his wife a whore or any offensive name. You gave us no indication that you’re out there having sex with other men or acting inappropriately with them. He should be ashamed of himself for verbally abusing you.

    You’re in a difficult situation, which you must be aware of being that you are Pakistani yourself. Based on all I’ve learned on this blog over the years, I know that divorce, although okay in Islam, is not okay based on Pakistani’s way of life. By their standards it’s not acceptable for a woman to be divorced. Furthermore, they expect the women to be virgin when they marry them. Not only that, they don’t want the responsibility of other men’s children. It’s simply support the ayah that says if a man can’t be just with the orphans then he should only marry one woman. If your husband can’t be just to your son from the previous marriage, he should not have married you. He knows what his cultural beliefs are. He should have stuck with the other wife who has his children or married more women who didn’t have any yet and would only have his children eventually.

    He has let you know without saying it that he doesn’t like that you’ve been married before and you very well may have a problem with him accepting your son and being a step-father to him. Having a child that isn’t the husbands reminds him that she had been intimate with another man before him and some men can’t accept having that in their faces (proof by way of the child).

  • Saira

    January 13, 2017

    Aslamu Alakykum 

    alhamdulih Allah is making things easy for me but more things easy for me my husband suddenly so distant from me 

    just last week my husband fought with his mother when they all made so many comments on me and he was defending me so much in every way and he told them it’s my right to have a day off with him¬†

    things he was saying and deep down my heart was beating so fast I knew now things won’t stay good¬†

    he had meeting with my worker he called me and said evey thing was fine and he is going to give good news to his mother 

    that’s was the time he was so happy vd me but soon he return he question me so much¬†

    he told me social worker said I am lier and all and not honest 

    I cried whole night next day we had meeting vd them things were good at meeting 

    but he was the one actully giving them indication that I was not honest and I lie and he did not knew many things from past 

    it broke my heart he was swearing at me in our language while smiling in front of them 

    the way he said things it made me crimnal In his eyes 

    there was history of my baby father and he was just so angry and telling me in front of them that I been overly protective about him 

    he said I am whore and should be on Jeremy Kyle show and I am unpure he won’t even come near me but sake of child he is keeping me for time being¬†

    my hard work and so many years pray been accepted and this man behaving like animal and it could ruin all 

    deep down I know he is doing in anger 

    but I asked him in front of these people I am his girlfriend or partner he can’t tell them am his wife¬†

    and same it was vd my X we didn’t had marrige register so we call partners too¬†

    Due to my X immigration status he didn’t put his name on birth certificate for a time being and my husband knew all that¬†

    he told them that he can trust all of them but not me 

    they in one point ask him they don’t know what he is on about and he should calm down¬†

    I been in hard time and people made me suffer are the ones I take it they doing their job to secure their back and help people but I would still take my husband side of someone even in tiny amount hurt him 

    I would not talk to them just so he feel good 

    my husband is in to supports car and he was making comment on his other cousin that he is not man enough to buy one 

    if he don’t like any one I rather keep distance so he won’t feel bad¬†

    but I had huge huge shock what he turn in to 

    the women he is married and the one look after him and carting his child he is so harsh in front of people 

    I spoke to my parents they said best to stay calm and once I am recover and babies back I should just levave 

    my cousin made arrangemts to and advice same 

    we all fear if he is behaving like that it shows he can never accept my son from previous relationship 

    due to my complication during and after birth it will take me up to 3 months and all process will take time 

    already been told I have to give up on any benefit I am getting 

    he knows I can’t leave now I am tied up¬†

    his mother told him she wants to keep me for 3 months before it was 40 days but I agree 

    make dua sister Allah make it easy for me these 3 months and make it easy to escape from this misery for sake of my children 

    He is doing all this not knowing how action is speaking louder then he say he would love to love my child like father 

    Alhamdulih Allah is making easy time as well for me and it’s just a simple trial for me¬†

    in sha Allah with the help of Allah I will get tru this 

     

  • Crystal

    January 13, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum sisters

    Missing the sisters & their posts. Sister Saira my heart goes out to you from the little i’ve read. I too know how challenging it can get with a controlling mother in law & you quiet right in saying that the best thing to do is keep quiet. As sister Serena pointed out a man can say what ever he chooses to about his mum but dont you dare say anything.

    Inshalah our Rabb will strengthen us in many ways & make us of better character Inshalah.

    Luv n Salaams to all 

     

     

     

     

  • Saira

    January 11, 2017

    Salam sister sareena 

    i agree with you what you are saying sister 

    I know I can’t even imagine saying that his mother is jelous I know he would agree with me that time but later on he will bring fight when he get along with his mother¬†

    I learn my lesson in past when they were rude with me and he took my side but after sometime he changed and was so rude with me so for that reason when ever he say any thing I just tell him it’s ok or try to avoid¬†

    I avoid every thing to be honest what ever he tells me about his co and all other family members 

    I either stay quite but sometime it’s not good as if he had heeter argument with his co then he will get mad vd me if I don’t take his side¬†

    I instead try to encourage him let go of things and stay calm 

    I learn from many previous arguments that no matter if he is wrong or right in fights if I correct I am to be blame so I am so happy I don’t get blame and he is slowly not talking to me when he had arguments vd any one¬†

    I know when u say mum in law say that he in in under control of his wife 

    this is what she done last week in our day off told him not to give me day off and when he said he wanted to she said I am controlling him 

    I am hurt but Allah knows I am trying to work out of my self and let go of any negetive things I get from people and learn to ignore 

    Alhamdulih I don’t answer them back or ask any thing instead I rather write here and get best advice¬†

    and yes sister sareena I know what u saying about finacil thing

    i have mention here I been working to make dress design and do beauty from home and 

    Alhamdulih will be on my feet in sha Allah

    but as you people saying why would they talk about me it rings my bells 

    I was not present there at all and he said they told him I must have marrige him to get huge support from him 

    is it not so unprofessional to say something like that? There was medical dispute and still going on they never fight vd me or I never did 

    but things he told me was so personal he said they told him I use to be modern and use to wear modern cloths 

    I want to make my self strong like sister Ana 

    jazakAllah sister sareena your post touched my heart 

    I have my cousins two of them alwsy keeping eye on me and and most important I have strong bond with Allah not his creation and JazakAllah for reminding me for that dua 

     

  • Karima

    January 11, 2017

    Slm Serena that was really a very Nice post

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    Awww Serena, that was such nice and good advice you gave, Sister Saira. It touched me as very sincere and from your heart. What you said to her about how some men don’t accept or want to provide for other men’s children was especially important.

  • Serena

    January 11, 2017

    Salam

    Ana and umm of2 mashaAllah good advice. 

    Saira

    May Allah make things easy for you. In this life we all experience many ups and downs. 

    Sister I will strongly advice you and agree with Ana about his mother. I understand sometimes out of anger or frustration saying something about his mum. If that happens apologise. I remember you saying when you were staying with mum in law your husband said he thinks his mum is jealous. Imagine if you said that. You see Saira he can say anything about his mum that’s ok for him but he won’t accept anyone else saying anything. In one way this is good but you know how culture comes into it and sometimes when mum haa done wrong against daughter in law in Pakistani culture the husband mostly takes mums side. If he takes wife side then mum in law etc say huaband ia under wife’s control and no cultural Pakistani man wants to hear that.

    There are some things you need to be aware of. ¬†Please don’t take offence to what I say. With some Pakistani I find they will not let go of the past. Even if they say it’s forget about past its all forgiven etc but any opportunity they have they will bring past into it. You know past is past. ¬†Everyone makes mistakes. We do tauba and learn from past. Don’t let what anyone says about past to bother you. When people want to put someone down and can’t find reasons they bring past into it.

    Saira please don’t take this the wrong way or get offended. I agree with Ana why would social services lie? What have they to gain? ¬†They do make mistakes though. You must know in UK many cases social services along with other failed and this led to death of the children. Social services were critised Social workers were questioned on how they failed these kids. So you must understand that social services are umder pressure aswell of not getting things wrong. Maybe some things are exaggerated which makes you feel they are lying. Sister even if sociat service are against you remember Allah has already planned everything. Just keep doing dua. There is dua for if you are oppressed.¬†

    Saira last thing is inshaAllah you will be reunited with your son. Allah says after hardship there is ease.Again this is not to upset you in any way but just to think about how will your husband and his family accept your son. Again some Pakistani find it very hard to accept someone else child. So for that reason you need to make sure you don’t rely on you husband now for any financial support for your son because it will hurt if he ever says anything about providing for someone else’s child.¬†

    This is not time for you to be stressing.  Cut out negative people until after you give birth. Once hormone levels start getting normal inshAllah you will be in better position to make decisions. 

    Keep focus on Allah not only because we need something from Allah but because Allah has told us to worship him and our ibdah should be to gain pleasure of Allah.

  • Saira

    January 11, 2017

    MashaAllah sister Ana 

    you are black horse MashaAllah very talented I always wanted to see real detective. Lady in real life no wounder u so strong and knowing you are strong Muslim MashaAllah you role model for many of them 

    Ana I been in hard hard time and lost trust and specially for social workers 

    they alwsy came up with excuses and lies when they messed something and question their loyality someof them becom very personal with me and rude 

    there is nothing in official report to suggest like that about me but they said I am dishonest as I didn’t agree with them¬†

    like I hided my relationship with my husband he should understand my position 

    too one hand I am fully dress up in abaya and next hand I have boy friend or partner as I can’t say my husband¬†

    many things rings bells when they see him with two women it does make my chractor like a mistress to them but he does not know they tactic to get things as he met them and heard from them ohh you are good man bla bla 

    he don’t know if they speak to me they will say same to me¬†

    I never thougt he would be so weak in his ears and change like peace of cake 

    social worker will come up to me and tell me things I know them so much I had spend almost 5 years vd them and he hardly spoke to them less then5 hours and he judging me 

     

  • Saira

    January 11, 2017

    JazakAllah 

    sister karmina ,umma of2 and sister karima 

    I wish I could write more here but again I try not to as its polygamy group

    but the thing hurt me was my husband behaviour when he was saying things like he just know I am bad and all and he came and turn around things 

    Alhamdulih I keep looking at to Allah but the happiest moment you things nothing and no one can make it bad for you and you found to be hurt by love ones 

    I use to share every thing with my husband what ever his family use to say to me and he is quite frank and he use to tell me about his family and that he is lucky my family is not like that they way his family is with me 

    but when ever he goes there and gets there sympathy he use to comes to me and give me ultimatum that I should not ever speak about his family to him 

    since then I thanks fully understood his personality I never said a word if I am up set I rather read Quran and read namaz and cry to Allah knowing one day it will be over and if I still feel pain I share with my mother 

    But been crying I figure out one thing why my happiness turn to sadness 

    it’s the way I thanks Allah yesterday¬†

    I did thank Allah a lot but I begain to thank so much my husband and Allah reminded me he is alone to be thank full 

    last night I been crying and asking Allah for forgiveness 

    I just want to be more and more close to Allah nothing last here only the good deeds we do 

    Alhamdulih am looking forward to everything Allah plan for me 

    if I don’t look at people and expect too much from them then I won’t get hurt¬†

    am so glad to have you all sisters here 

    May Allah unite us All in Jannah too ameen

  • Karima

    January 11, 2017

    Slm sis Ana you explained it so well Mashallah I need to read your post many times cause it’s treasure that I can benefit from

    you have a gift with writing Mashallah 

  • Karima

    January 11, 2017

    Ummof2 

    i can relate to your post I used to be like that years ago alhamdulellah 

    you give good advice Mashallah 

  • anabellah

    January 11, 2017

    umm of2,

    You’re absolutely correct. Praise be to Allah under all conditions and circumstances.

  • Umm of2

    January 11, 2017

    Saira 

    There’s two days in life. One for you and one against you in order to test you. Be grateful for them both. Like sis Ana mentioned stop looking for approval in all the wrong places. Only look for ultimate approval in Allah the Lord of all the worlds the handler of our affairs. You care to much the opinion of your husband and his family. You should not be bursting into tears the moment they say one word against you. Be stronger than that. Be grateful to Allah when things are going your way and when things are not going your way. Allah knows what’s best for us. I cannot advise further as I have no experience in that field. May Allah continue to do what’s best for you and make us content with His every decree whether for us or against us

    as salaamu alaikum 

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2017

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your joy turned to sadness today. We never know what’s going to happen from one moment to the next. Each day is different and things, as you see, can change in a heartbeat. Days and time are as different as the formation of the clouds in the sky. We can’t predict how life will be at any given moment.

    I can’t say much about what happened with you, your husband and the social worker because I don’t know the entire story. In my line of work when I was a detective, I used to have to communicate with case workers from social services to get their reports and input so I could make recommendations to Prosecutors. It’s quite complex, so for me to make a statement based on the little that you’ve stated wouldn’t be wise of me. Besides, the blog is about polygamy, so I don’t want to go there in-depth. We live in different countries so I don’t know how things are done where you are. You should question what gain there is for a social worker/case worker to lie about you when it’s not personal. Maybe you should check yourself to find out what is happening that would give cause for a social worker to take a negative position about you and your situation.

    The best thing you could do is continue to turn to Allah and try to get right with Him. It would be best that you not listen to other people and what they have to say about you, as it would only keep you upset. There are many people in the world who don’t want anyone to be happy. The less dealings you have with others, unless they are positive, optimistic people and of your religion (Islam), the better off you’ll be. You have to stop looking to your in-laws and people such as them for their acceptance and approval of you. You need to want the approval of Allah.

    Definitely talking badly to your husband about his mother isn’t the way to go. No good will come from that.

    You said, right now the way you feel, you’re not happy about having his child. Of course, you’ll be up and down about how you feel about the baby based on how your husband responds to you. If you feel he makes you happy, you’re happy having his child. If you feel that you don’t like your husband very much, you’ll not be happy about having his child. IF you don’t stay focused on Allah, you’ll be up and down all the time in your life and you can’t find peace that way.

    You should look at the baby in hope that she will be a blessing to you. It takes focusing on Allah and being grateful to Him for the child at all times. You need to stop wrapping yourself up in your husband. If you’re turning to Allah just to have a good life in this world and have your husband bring you joy then you’re turning to Allah just to get what you want. It’s a sure way to get the opposite.

  • Saira

    January 10, 2017

    JazakAllah sisters for wishing me 

    today was the day after so long when I was smiling truly and kept crying vd joy and it was the happiest day of my life after so long 

    and my husband came he had meeting with the social workers and he told me they did said many things about me but he knows how they lie and all 

    things were fine he been txting me all happy and all but he went in mosque and then went to see his mother and straight went home and came so late to c me which I didn’t bother at all

    i didn’t see the joy on his face and I asked what’s wrong he start talking and my tears started to come out¬†

    he said social worker said they didn’t had bond with me and they think I was lieing to them¬†

    he was talking and giving me advice that I should belive them and all and if I ever was good and loyal vd them they would never give me hard time 

    they just spoke to him nicely for few hours and his trust is gone in to bin and he was talking like I was crimnal and all 

    my heart is been crying blood after hearing his words 

    no one can imagine what I been doing and been tru 

    his mum and sister and all been rude to me and I did not said a word and he was the one keep telling me he knows they wrong and I should not worry as he is vd me 

    he came and telling me he would never want to hear any thing bad about his mother and I should change ?

    In my previous address year ago he went to check mails and he found one letter on random name which was accidentally delivered or could be old tenant 

    he brought all that and said he thinks I lied and that letter could have been from my X partner or someone I know 

    he was telling me he forgot all my past and all 

    Allah gave me a lot sabar but is it in my control that Allah gave me so much trials in my life 

    the way he was talking it was like as if Allah woudnt not harm me if I didn’t wanted¬†

    he asked me to prove him I was not wrong 

    before he came I was talking to my self and Allah and making so much dua for him 

    after he said so much which I can’t even imagine I lost respect what I was feeling for him¬†

    just a few days before my social worker foned him and said she is calling me from morning and I am not answering my phone and yet I was sleeping vd him and he checked my phone there was no call what so ever 

    she refuse to admit and he said to me he can’t belive how much they lie¬†

    sometime it takes few words to find out what other person can be for you 

    I feel like empty my heart feels Num and there is no feelings 

    any one come up to me and say any thing they like for him I would not belive and would not hurt him like that but I feel like I been loving some one who don’t need love¬†

    and don’t required any thing from me¬†

    years of trust and love he and I build up it crumbled in seconds 

    i know my self so much he said something about my boy which took all my feelings away now 

    I just feel so bad for having his baby now 

    I have witness today someone else in ease and had witness someone else yesterday in hard time 

    sadly both personality belong to my husband 

    how ungrestful human can be 

    they cry cry for help and mercy to Allah and soon they got good news they think it was ment to be victory for them as they are deserve 

    Alhamdulilh Allah must have done this to make me more batter wife mother daughter and muslimah Ameen 

  • Umm of2

    January 10, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum. What great news saira. MayAlah continue showering His blessings upon you and all the sisters here Ameen. 

    FromMyExperience situation sounds JUST like very sad’s situation. Men like that need to grow some ballz¬†

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2017

    Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m so happy for you. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif It’s good to hear you in such a joyful mood. Stay strong and keep your focus on Allah. You’re going to be okay, my friend {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2017

    Sister Karima,  As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sis Serena approached the Statement that I made to “From My Experience” from a different angle, which is good. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    What I meant was a little bit different” The way I see it is that the commentator, user name “From My Experience”¬† no longer looked at her husband the same after he married the other woman. I know it because of her conversation, how she said he and his family came groveling to her begging to forgive them and take him back. I could tell by the tone of her writing that she was full of hate and anger.

    Some women come here with that tone that is so harsh and cold that you could tell there is no talking to them about polygamy in any kind of way that will show them any good in it. They appear so angry and want to lash out and hurt anyone and everyone. That type of person will probably never forgive her husband for what she thinks he did wrong, and she won’t forget it. She’ll continue to suffer and will continue to do whatever she can to make him suffer, as well. She lost respect for him having changed her relationship (believers know that Allah change her relationship).

    Secondly, she lost respect for him in that after he married the other, he did what she said or wanted and divorced the other wife. Then he came groveling back to her crying, pleading and begging for forgiveness. She can have no respect for him because he didn’t man up. He didn’t¬† stand up to her. He has became¬† her b*!tch so to speak. She won’t see him as a man whom she can look up to and adore or respect because he let her walk all over him (in actuality Allah allowed her to do it. He says He will give those who don’t serve Him an agonizing punishment and humiliation in this life and the severest punishment in the Hereafter. He says he abases some people to the lowest of the low.)

    Anyhow, her husband has become a doormat, so to speak, to her. She has become his Lord. He does what she says and wants and has put her in front of Allah.

    A woman wants an authoritative, strong man whom she can count on to be there for her and she can look up to with respect. She doesn’t want a weak, lap dog, poor excuse of a man.

    That’s pretty much what I meant.

    1) She probably lost respect for him simply because he married the other woman and she believes he took her through a period of earthly hell.

    2) She probably lost respect for him because he is weak and cowardly.

    Bottom line, Allah doesn’t reward evil with good. Her problems are just beginning.

    Note: There’s a difference between the husband that she has and a husband who has become polygamous and cries with his wife because he hurts when she hurts. Many men go through a thing when they become polygamous as well. They want their wives to be happy and it hurts them to see their wives hurting so much. Many of the husbands don’t know the truth and that is that Allah decided he’d be polygamous. Allah decides our mates.

    I hope it better explains what I meant. Nothing stays the same. For every action, there is a reaction. When the variables change, everything changes.

  • Saira

    January 10, 2017

    JazakAllah sister karima 

    May Allah give you happiness as well Ameen 

  • Karima

    January 10, 2017

    Sis Saira

    im Very happy for You alhamdulellah 

  • Saira

    January 10, 2017

    Aslamu Alakykum to all sisters 

    Alhamdulih I am over the moon and so blessed Allah is solving my so many problems and this baby is surely blessing from Allah 

    i can’t describe feeling of relief I only heard good news so far from long over 4 years I been in situation where I can’t feel any thing¬†

    miracle do happend 

    Allah is looking out for me 

    no more question on my ability as a parent and hearing good things from people about my sabar is huge reward 

    all sister keep me in Duas that Allah continue to look out for me 

    Ameen 

    I just feel like sharing this with you all sisters 

    as someof you know I had Socail involment 

    feel like I am released from prison today 

    Alhamdulih 

    love you all 

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2017

    Sis Karima,

    That “Concerned” person was the one who gave me a headache. It’s sad that we as Muslim sisters come together to bond with one another, help one another and have healthy good conversation but most of all to remember Allah, but get distracted by someone who comes here to intentionally disrupt everyone’s peace, and to disrupt the flow. Allah says in Quran that He does not like when people annoy the believers undeservingly. They incurr His wrath.

    This should be a place of Solace here for us sisters who want to converse. Insha Allah, I won’t give new people the benefit of the doubt anymore. If they sound like a person who is up to no good, I will ban them. A leopard doesn’t change its spots.

    No, Karima, it wasn’t you at all. I know that women will go through something and repeat their situation over a hundred times, many times, before a change takes place in them. I totally understand it. I don’t expect or think that anyone will just hear what they need to do or get advice and immediately begin to do it. You or anyone else who repeat themselves don’t bother me at all.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back?

  • Karima

    January 10, 2017

    Im happy You are well ahamdulellah enjoy Your life Sis and apologies if i seem not to Be able to stick to what i write and i hope im not causing You a headache lol

    on thursday we travel back Home so i will be busy With many things so i might become a silent reader again

    take care Sis and all of You sisters Assalamu aleykum 

  • anabellah

    January 10, 2017

    Sister Karima Wa Alaikum As Salaam ?,

    I’m well, Sis. Alhumdulliah, I got tied up with some of the biological family coming to visit, been busy shopping, and with the hubz. Insha Allah , I’m going to try to get back here as soon as possible. I hope you are well, as well, dear, Karima. Thanks for the inquiry ?

  • Karima

    January 10, 2017

    Slm Ana

    i hope You are doing well….

    i agree With Ummof 2,Ummof 4 Mashallah thank You for sharing Your story Very touching

  • Crystal

    January 10, 2017

    Wa Alaikum Salaam

    Ummof4 Jazakallah for the response & Ameen to your Dua.

     

  • Umm of2

    January 9, 2017

    Salaams 

    ummof4

    thank you for sharing that heartfelt story it really moved me. You’re a ray of sunshine I look forward to your every post ūüôā

  • ummof4

    January 9, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Crystal, yes my husband did marry again after a number of years. ¬†Unfortunately, it did not last long because his new wife was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. ¬†She was nice and respectful at first, then she began to attack my character both with me and with my husband. ¬†My husband has just a few requirements for any wife, he’s a pretty easy-going man. ¬†One of his main requirements is that no wife attacks the character of another wife, particularly to gain his favor.

    May Allah grant us all the ability to worship Him and Him alone.

  • Karima

    January 9, 2017

    Jasmina Inshallah jazak Allah kheir

  • Serena

    January 9, 2017

    Salam 

    Karima 

    I understood from Ana was that she lost respect in the first instance because she didn’t accept her husband’s action of taking another wife. How can husband respect her if she was not happy with something he done and his decision.¬†

    In the second case she lost respect because of her husband had to divorce the second wife. He may not wanted to do that but for sake of formyexperience he had to get rid of second wife. What if he ret loved her more than first but he had to sacrifice second marriage to keep first. How must that make him feel? It will be hard to respect love first wife after all that. 

  • Jasmina

    January 9, 2017

    Having said that, you can still show respect.

  • Jasmina

    January 9, 2017

    It’s so hard getting respect back. ¬†but it’s not impossible. It can be done, as your heart heals, but really respect is earnt and they have to earn it. As your husband does things to win your heart and changes his ways, as well as upholding strong values, you will begin to respect him. InshaAllah. It’s a two way street.

  • Karima

    January 9, 2017

    Ana can You please elaborate more on Sthng You stated some days ago,. , you said ,” she loses respect for having her husband love someone else, and then after he divorces the co she then loses even more respect for him seeing him crying n asking for her forgiveness,.” Its not exact copy paste apologies if i got Sthng wrong

    i personally lost respect for my husband how can i stop feeeling like this,? Due to his  constant lying

  • Karima

    January 9, 2017

    Tasliyman i missed reading properly Your answer to me on January 7. Jazak Allah kheir to you and Ummof2 for being patient with me repeating n all the same things,.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Thanks Ana

    I’ve learnt a lot from everyone’s wisdom here and it’s good to share the little I’ve learnt in Life. Harmony is great and I hope we can maintain that on the blog as a form of outlet and relief for sisters that need it from time to time so I’m glad that other negative blogger is gone now. SubhanAllah you gave her so many chances to get on board but she kept going with the sattires and degrading remarks towards a group of people.¬†

  • Saira

    January 8, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum sister angry SA

    sorry for late reply

    about Nadra details it’s on Google as well as we can’t share emails sister

    and Pakistani embassy can help you as well 

    I would say try to find out from your husband just ask generally what he will like to do in future for his kid like bring him in this country or not 

    if so he want then he must have register all in to nadra 

    in Pakistan they have to register both parents details in birth certificate and all are under NADRA now so there is no why he showed non marrige couple in that form 

    same goes to his wife he had to show in identity card and there is no way his wife won’t have that unless your husband family lives in rural area¬†

    but am glad sister your made your mind and decided to stood up for your self 

    sending you prayers ?

  • Saira

    January 8, 2017

    Also I have my very close cousin in England too now 

    I have huge family from my mother side but I don’t speak most of them they all ask my mother about me but I don’t want to talk to them as my hubby won’t like it¬†

    but two of my cousin are very close they brought up in Pakistan and alwsy looked after me like little sister so I have close bond vd them 

    they got remarried from Pakistan and they love to look after me as long as I needed but hubby refuse he don’t want me to ask my family for help or any thing he insisting his family is my only family now and he don’t want me to be looked after by any one¬†

    so I spoke to one imam in masjid and they said if cousin are male then I have to act on my hub and advice and only speak to make cousin if I needed and his wife can not speak to my husband same reason 

    so I got two wounderfull cousin and their wife’s I can’t have bond vd them ?

    I have contact vd them over the phone and all and hubby is happy if we meet up but I have to keep my parda 

    I am not going against him as I know what he is saying is in light of Islam is right 

    but sad a little bit 

  • Umm of2

    January 8, 2017

    Karima sis. I strongly advise you to focus on the good and leave everything else up to Allah. I know you’ve been trying and trying but try some more. You cried, begged and pleaded asking your husband for answers but it’s a dead end. Allah is the revealer and concealer for some reason it’s not the right time for you to know. I remember quite a few posts back you two were visiting with family and you made intentions out of love for your husband and your own sanity to seize the moment and make the best of it and try to focus on the good memories you two made throughout time. What happened between then and now? Only answer if you feel comfortable to. I may have missed a few of your posts leading up until now. Why not, as advised before, assume they are married and put your best foot forward on the road of acceptance. For your own wellbeing sis

  • Saira

    January 8, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum all 

    sister Ana and all of you all remebr I shared information regarding my health so hubby made arrangements that one night I stay vd my in laws and one night in my place vd him 

     till I get bit batter and soon after delivery I will stay any of family member until am healthy 

    deep down I didn’t like the idea of staying over for night as I miss my bed and comfort¬†

    as mother in law will share same bed vd me and other people at home it was so not comfortable at all 

    I been doing that so far and in start hubby stayed at his mother too and he slept on floor and I keep checking him at night was missing him and he was same next day it was his day off with me and he sneaked me out like we hiding our relationship from people 

    mother in law was not so happy as at night me and hubby been chatting half of the night 

    I ignored all but hubby notice and he said to me that his mother is bit jelous vd our relationship 

    then in afternoon he got call from his dad that why he took day off and he foned his mum and said to her it’s my right to have a time vd my husband and they should not interfair¬†

    next day hubby took me to my apojntmet and for my massage and stuff and he was getting calls to know where he is 

    he was constantly lieing to them and when he drop me in mums at night every one was so rude vd me 

    and hubby txt me and said he feel bad for me for leaving me there and they always had bad mood vd me when they see us happy 

    there was all family gathering and again I was getting comments from every one ohh am getting fat as they know hubby hates fat women 

    he got so mad he said I am weeks away from giving birth and why calling me fat 

    hubby then never force me say to stay at any one and he told me just stay quite vd every one 

    but Alhamdulih they all ok 

    but just give their opinion all the time when I dress up or not about my hair my weight every thing 

    today hubby said to mum isn’t my wife so cute and he love me so much I was deep down saying to my self why u saying in front of any one¬†

    now every one in family talking about how he love me etc and telling me I should do this and that and don’t spend time vd his other family¬†

    I just feel hurt and they all made me feel I am fat and I can’t eat any more¬†

    they only see me and him in our time but they think we happy it mean we both Togater 24/7

    i don’t like when he lies to his mum and all when we go out and stuff but again I see his point too¬†

    I just don’t understand they should be happy their son is happy vd me but it’s opposite¬†

    they ok if I stay vd them his mum just wants me to stay at hers all the time and don’t ever go vd my husband any where¬†

    may be they like to have time vd me but I am so passionate and we both like to do things no one else does in family like us 

    like I rather have time vd my husband what ever I get then go out or sit vd them in girls gossips 

    now I settle down and Their mood is ok but I have told them I want to stay at mine till birt ¬†as I wasn’t to rest in my place and¬†

    so I got few weeks or days where I can wear less cloths around my home and shower any time and let my hair open lol

    but one thing helped me a lot it was One of sister Ana comment about husband 

    she said its Allahs will and if Allah will he will send husband home early or late or on time and us wife should let all that on Allah

    and Alhamdulih many things came and co is being seeing me in mum in law too and many time she tried her tricks to make me loose as she enjoyed me being stuck there and hubby and I couldn’t get any private time¬†

    but I just focus on Allah and things working out Alhamdulih 

    plz sister feel free to advice me how to best behave in in laws lol

  • Karima

    January 8, 2017

    Slm Jasmina

    thanks for the reminder!  You summerized life problems pretty well.

    Ana and sisters that gave advice to me in the past arzoo, umm of 2 umm of 4 tasliyman i think my love of 19 years, husband for 8, is a lying and deceitful person. ¬†You know my story more or less I think I don’t want to sound like a broken record. ¬†As a muslim with many sins and weak deen who tries to improve but keeps failing ( that’s me) is it ok to stay in a marriage im suffocating at times as husband gives all rights apart good communication honesty n answer to my questions? ¬†He just wants me to stop asking get busy with my teaching my kids n life and stop checking on him. Not even from time to time not even every 2-3 months .stop asking him stuff about what he does after work why he doesn’t come straight home where he goes on Friday night- work he says. It’s beeen 4 months that when she called me I told her they have my belssings to get married I won’t cause any problem obviously they have sthng serious going on better to get married or if they are already let me know to get closure with my anxiety stress n insecurity issues. ¬†What am I missing here? Am I that stupid? Am I a doormat? Am i Being Used? ¬†When will the help of Allah come? Or im such an aewful person n dont realise it n i deserve This?¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    You’re right, Tasliyman. Insha Allah, I’m going to screen the comments closely. I’m glad Allah sent rational here to make that comment, so that we now know what’s been going on. Even if she didn’t come from another blog, we don’t need her here.

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2017

    Ana,

    She’ll probably try to come back under a new name like she did with Mena.¬†

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

     

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    It’s okay. I’ve blocked her. I won’t deal with her anymore. If she is from an anti-polygamy blog, it explains why she has been so difficult and disruptive here every since she’s been here. She’s has been doing nothing but contradicting herself, playing games and wasting everyone’s time here. She’s history. This will be the third time I’m blocking her. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I’m done. Allah will deal with her.

  • Crystal

    January 8, 2017

    Wa Alaikum Salaam

    Jazakallah Ummof4 for sharing. May i ask if your husband married again after the divorce ? 

    Concerned Im trying to find the right words but cant seem to ! for now i’ve made a Dua for you. The impression i’m getting is you trying to project ‘that you have this under control’ when actually it seems you hurting so much¬†

    May Allah help us all to be sincere in all that we do & say Inshalah

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned, 

    This is a continuous cycle with you. You say one thing and then you change your story and pretend that you never said what you are being ‘accused’ of.¬†

    Usually I would just let it go and let you believe that we think we misunderstood you initially although it is as clear as daylight that you have changed your story. 

    The only reason why I didn’t let it go now is because I don’t want ¬†people who actually want to be helped be prevented from getting help due to the skewed views of one person who makes a habit of causing disruptions.¬†

    I don’t know why you constantly do this. The only logical explanation seems to be that you have issues that you refuse to acknowledge. However, you have said on numerous occasions that do not have unresolved issues. I have no idea what else it could be.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Goodbye concerned

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    It would make sense that she came from another blog and that you would think that she’s the most rational person on this blog. If in fact she did come from a haters blog, you just shed a lot of light on what’s been going on here with her. Thank you very much irrational

  • Rational

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned, to me u sound the most rational & adequate person on this blog with balanced views on polygamy, although u r not happy ( like all women on this blog in polygamy no matter how much they trying to show opposite). Are u Sots on another blog?

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    Ok, thats fine. Makes no difference to me what you believe.

     

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    I seriously think that you have some mental problems. You need to seek some professional help, because what you’ve been saying on this Blog has been conflicting and all over the place. You don’t have a successful marriage because there’s no way you can have a successful marriage and Carry on the way that you do on this blog. You have got some serious psychological issues and you need to get it looked into. You don’t have a successful marriage. If you did you wouldn’t be here attacking wives that married in order of second. You just would not do it. Stop deluding yourself. You’re only fooling yourself. You’re not fooling anyone on this blog.

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    I only advised women to stop complaining, or go back to being single. complaining never solved anything. That is a solution. It was not me belly aching. If no one wants to take advise from a family in a successful situation thats fine. 

    Tasliyman 

    As iv said before it makes no difference to me what you choose to believe. Sooner or later everyone will have to take responsibility for their actions. It will all be written down in our book of deeds and we will all be rewarded or punished for what our hands put forth. You will continue to be unhappy and have troubles untill you take responsibility for what you chose. The choice is yours. 

     

  • ummof4

    January 8, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I’ve been pretty silent lately since all of you have been giving excellent advice to those who need it, Alhamdulillah. ¬†I’d like to share a story with you. ¬†When my husband married a second wife for the first time, I was okay with it. (Those of you from the old blog know that I’ve been okay with polygyny since before I was even Muslim, or even an adult for that matter. ¬†I studied different cultures and could understand the benefits of polygyny for society as a whole.)¬†

    After they had been married for a few years and my husband and I had two more children, my co-wife became very distant from me (we attended the same masjid and saw each other often) and would barely give me salaams. ¬†One day we were in a community meeting and for some reason everyone else left the room except us and my newborn daughter. ¬†We did not look at each other or have a conversation. ¬†I went home that day and vowed to find out what the problem was between us. ¬†This was in the days before most people had email or personal computers, so I wrote her a letter asking for a meeting to discuss our issue- Muslims should only be upset for 3 days with another Muslim. ¬†She responded and we met and talked. ¬†It turns out that her friends had been lying and telling her that I was saying negative things about her and her son (my husband’s stepson). ¬†I had said none of these things and convinced her that her friends had lied. ¬†After that, things went back to normal – a friendly, distant relationship (only because our personalities were not alike). ¬†

    In the early years of my husband’s marriage to her, I was jealous because they had no children to disturb their private time and my husband and I had 4 young children, which meant we had practically no private time. ¬†She, however, was jealous because my husband and I had 4 children together and they had no children together. ¬†So she felt he had a closer bond with me than with her. ¬†

    As we grew in our separate marriages, these feelings of jealousy subsided.  By the time they decided to divorce (many years later), I  was the one pushing for them to stay together.

    Part of life is to grow in your relationship with Allah and others.  All of us need to keep on pushing through this quagmire of life and realize that Allah is the best of planners.  He does not give any of us a burden greater than we can bear, but He does send us tests.

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    Fortunately this blog is open to second, third and fourth wives too. Not just first wives. 

    So if you dont want to hear issues from second wives, this blog is the wrong place to be.  

    This is a polygamy blog as you pointed out. But you seem to only have a problem when second wives struggle to cope and dare discuss the issues they are facing. It’s like you think that only first wives are allowed to vent.¬†

    Is it really that hard for you to grasp the concept that Allah is in charge of our lives?????? 

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    If you’re not having problems with your cowife, then why are you here belly aching, harassing and causing problems on this blog for women who married in the order of second? If you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem. The ladies are here talking about their situation, what is happening in their lives. It is what this blog is about. Everyone, except you,seem to be here to help one another. You contradict yourself all the time. You’re here, there and everywhere. You flip flop all over the place. Nobody knows what you stand for or if you’re just here jerking people around.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Jasmina,

    Thank you, Sister. You spoke Truth. You said a mouth full and said it eloquently. Alhumdulliah! You are exactly right.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Life is hard.

    some get polygamy, others get bad health, or bad kids or no kids whilst they want some, or war, or oppression, or injustice by others, some lose their kids or loved ones, some get cheating husbands, some get abusive husbands, some get raped. This list is probably infinite of all the bad things that could go wrong in life.

    We here in this group share one thing in common and that’s polygamy, our husband is polygamous. ¬†Our struggle is real and we should help each other to make this a success, maybe Allah will take away the pain and difficulty after our efforts. And when that happens, life will throw more stones your way, that’s what life is about. It’s all more opportunities to get reward from Allah and build up your deeds to hopefully have a high position in jannah, if we make it!

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Tasliyman 

    Because THEY chose it. And, I already mentioned this is a polygamy blog. So im only going to speak on wives, husband and marriage. The same would apply to a person who doesn’t have a job and cant pay rent,then they find a job and complain that its hard and they have no time to relax etc. Well, go back to being broke then, OR get on with it. But this is not a ‘im struggling with my job’ blog so im not going to address those people here.¬†

    And, its not all second wives, because I dont think the same about my co. Or women who are grateful for not having to be single and lonely. 

     

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    We. Everyone. Not just me, I hope not haha.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned 

    yes and that’s the main point. A second wife got into a marriage by the decree of Allah, yes she made a choice but ultimately that was Allahs will. I’m sure some women will one day wake up and wonder what on earth they are doing as a second wife and it’s a huge reality check of their life. What lead to that and why. I’m sure many question themselves and that’s when acceptances comes into play, accepting it was Allahs will just as a first wife needs to accept. Other women are on the ball of things and That’s not the case, they are very conscious of their actions. Everyone’s different, everyone’s circumstances are different, we can’t judge. Seriously who are we to judge.¬†

    Me are all hit with the shit stick called life… at one point or another we have to deal with something.i try not to judge people because I fear Allah will test me with the same thing, that’s my main basis in life, well one of them.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Well it (should) goes without saying that everyone should not be ungrateful with their life. We all should be grateful. But I think that is missing the point. Which is that we all have hearts that break, emotions and we all hurt the same way. ¬†It’s like if someone said to me that I’m ungrateful because I complain that my husband married again and I should just suck it up and accept it because it’s his right and it’s Allahs decree so tough. Well yes it’s correct, but where is the understanding, and the compassion for one another. It’s no different to what is being said of 2nd wives, yes they married a man that was married, so tough, but they hurt and feel just the same. Damn some women have a man all to himself for years and then complain about losing half his time. Well she only had half his time and will never get him full time and that’s painful for any woman. Sometimes we just need to put ourselves in Other people’s shoes to show kindness.

     

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    Nobody should be ungrateful for the blessings they have so I dont see why you keep on referring to second wives only. 

    We all come to this blog to discuss the difficulties we are facing. Why do you think second wives shouldn’t do this?¬†

    You constantly say you dont have an issue with all second wives yet your posts paint a different picture. 

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Jasmina

    I liked the part of your post about covering ones eyes or sleeping through life but life ia still happening. 

    Ana

    Ok, got it. 

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned ,

    You used that ayah inappropriately and I suggest you not play with the Quran.

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    I do have a positive interest in polygamy. I didnt think providing proof from Quran was disruptive. I mean if we find the answer in Quran, we should follow it. 

    Tasliyman 

    I mean your first option but also they shouldn’t sit and complain about it. Its not one of the options Allah gave them. Like, you had the same options when u was facing difficulties. You sucked it up, turned to Allah (like the children of Isreal SHOULD have done) and now you can enjoy your blessings more. You didnt sit around constantly moaning and crying about it once you found the answers you were looking for. I think you said your situation or husband didnt change,YOU DID. Thats what were supposed to do. You was grateful and accepted the rough with the smooth. If a person cant or dont want to do that then they can go back to what they had before.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Men have been known to treat their own flesh and blood children better than a stepchild. There are many stepchildren who are abused by the step stepfathers. We know from just being on this blog that Pakistani men don’t accept other men’s children. There are men who do not accept other men’s children to take care of and treat them as their own.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    a woman that is unhappy with her marriage does have a way out and that’s divorce. It doesn’t matter what order she came into it. To say she knew what she got herself into, well I think it’s so easy to look at life in black and white and throw out verdicts on how individuals must feel, what they must accept etc.¬†

    i truly wish life was so simple.

    unfortunately life is complex, it’s muddy, things happen in the blink of an eye and we sometimes don’t even know how we got to a certain place in our life, why because even if you sleep through it, you cover your eyes, life will continue to happen the way Allah has ordained it to happen.¬†

    If you get married as a first be sure that polygamy is a possibility. Just because you failed to consider that before doesn’t make you superior or less accountable or even a victim.¬†

    no one knows the circumstance of the second wife and what lead to her being a second wife. Like in my co wife’s case she became a second wife without knowing until just before the marriage. I think it was like a day before but she decided to proceed thinking she could get rid of me anyway or whatever the case was but mainly I think because it was too hard to cancel the wedding at that point lol. Anyhow the circumstance is different and I find it impossible to put much blame on her. Now she pisses me off with all she’s done but that’s another story.

     

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    Women and men know whether or not they like children. They don’t have to get into a marriage to find out. Men and women are around children all their lives and they don’t need to be in a marriage to know if they dislike or like children. There are men who will tell the women that the don’t want any children because they don’t like them. There are women who will tell the man that she doesn’t want to have any children because she doesn’t like them.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    This blog is not to debate the differences between wives who married in the order of first and second. This blog is to bring us all together in unity as wives who are equal regardless of whether they married in the order of first, second, third, or fourth. We’re trying to find ways to adjust and cope with a lifestyle that Allah has made permissible for men and women to live. If it’s not your goal then you don’t belong here.

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Wait, I thought we were saying no one knows what there getting till they get it, right? So how would a man know if he can deal someone eles kids? Maybe he thought he could and finds out he cant or the other way round. Just like a woman who thinks she can deal polygamy and finds out she can’t.¬†

    Genuine question, cuz iv just got over this hurdle and want to understand when it appiles and when it doesn’t.¬†

  • Tasliyman

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned, are you saying that: 

    1. Wives who marry 2nd, 3rd or 4th should not be ungrateful with the blessings that they have despite the challenges that they face; or

    2. Wives who marry 2nd, 3rd or 4th should not acknowledge that they have any problems or challenges as they knew what they are getting into. 

    I hope you will elaborate on what you mean so I can have a better understanding on what it is that you are actually saying. 

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    i need to watch that movie for a good laugh. 

     

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    You are correct, the options for a woman who married first are to stay in the marriage and adjust or divorce.

    Please note, this blog is for those who have a positive interest in polygamy. You have become disruptive on this blog to not only me but to others. No one has time to play games with you. Get yourself together and get on board or remove yourself or else you’ll find yourself removed for the third time and permanently this time.

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Anjum,

    The ayah that you have referred to pertains to men doing justice to orphans. There is a post/thread on this blog about it. Allah stresses in the Quran that mankind is supposed to be just and kind to everyone unless a person fights you for your faith.Allah stresses in the Quran that the orphans are special and they get extra special treatment.

    With that said, a man knows whether or not he wants to be bothered with a woman’s child by another man or not. He knows whether or not he can be fair and just with another man’s child before he marries her. It’s what that ayah pertains to.

    A man does not know what he’s going to do with any woman or how he’s going to be with any woman until he is married to that woman and in that situation. He is supposed to be fair and just with any woman whom he married whether the woman is married in the order of first, second, third, or 4th.

  • Anjum

    January 8, 2017

    @Ana

    The Quran actually mentions that is better to only marry one women if a man can’t handle to be married to 2 or more women and if he is not just.¬†

    Of course Polygamy always hurts in one way or the other but if a man is honest and just then it is much easier for women to deal with as when he does it secretely and lies etc

    It is his job to make sure that the women are all treated correctly and that they get their rights and it is also his role to put his wifes back on their places if one or all gets too much involved with the other wifes marriage.

    As women it is our duty to be a wife to our husband and concentrate on our marriage to him without thinking too much about his other marriage. We are not obligated to have contact with the other wife but if we do then we should do it in a friendly way otherwise its better to stay away.

     

     

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    I agree with you about everyone being grateful for what they have. However, a woman who finds herself in polygamy, something she never chose to do, doesn’t have the option to go back to what she had before. What she had, was monogamy. The only options she has is suck it up and stay or suck it up and leave. Theres no going back, iv spoke on it before.¬†

    I am very grateful for my husband we had this conversation before too. And IM not complaining, im showing others the options their lord gave them. Complaining isn’t one of them. Its very simple. The answers are in Quran for those who read/recite it.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    Concerned,

    If you want to apply the story of Musa to wives who married in the order of 2nd, or beyond, you need to apply it to wives who married in the order of 1st, as well, beginning with yourself.

    Be grateful to Allah that you have a husband and he hasn’t divorced you. Accept your situation and stop complaining and finding fault in women who married men who were already married, which Allah allows.

    The same as wives who married in the order of 1st become disgruntled, unhappy with their situation and have to adjust, so do women who married in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th.

  • Concerned

    January 8, 2017

    Ana

    Ok, so I can now agree that people dont exactly know what there getting till they get it. BUT that still doesn’t give them reason to moan and complain about what they asked for and willingly walked into.¬†

    Id like to draw your attention to the story of musa and the children of Isreal. They (the children of Isreal) were slaves and suffered under enoumous injustice. Allah sent musa to bring them out of Egypt and into safety. At first they was happy to be out of Egypt and away from pharaoh. Then they became ungrateful, they complained and moaned about not having the food they wanted and all kinds of things. Allah revealed to musa to tell them to either be grateful for what they have, what they asked for and what they willingly walked into OR GO BACK TO WHAT YOU HAD BEFORE, they didnt have to follow musa, they could have stayed in Egypt. Those were the options they were given by their lord. They was not told, oh there there, why dont you cry and moan and be ungrateful for the blessings Allah gave you, heres a tissue.

    So since we are to learn from Quran and the storys in it the same applies to anyone who asked for something, got it and found themselves being ungrateful for the blessings they were given. Again, the options are suck it up and be grateful or go back to how you was. The option is NEVER sit and cry and moan about it. Its NEVER ok to be ungrateful for anything, especially when you was given exactly what you asked for. 

    I understand people can get emotional and their expectations were not met but that doesn’t mean be ungrateful.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    lol Jasmina, sounds like it could be a scene from a sequel to the movie, “Bad Moms” that I just watched the other day.?

  • Crystal

    January 8, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum

    Tasliyman Jazakallah for your advice I need to put into practice to take what applies to me & not get sensitive over some of the nasty opinions directed to co wives. Pls know that the comment came from two of the other sisters who expressed that the co wife made a choice to get into the situation so they should deal it. Not quiet in those words but close enough. Anyway it is a naive way of thinking.

    Ana Jazakallah once again. I love your way of getting things across. Let me eloborate slightly when i say that things are easier when polygamy is done correctly. My opinion is that if a man knows his going to take other wives and if his open about it to the first wife then that’s half the battle’s won. For a woman to find out that her husband is secretly married is just wrong on so many levels. Also if the marriage with the 2nd, 3rd or 4th is pure from the beginning then i do believe it must be easier for all to accept. Its when there’s been an affair & then the couple get married that is a betrayal to the first wife. Pls dont get me wrong as which ever way it happens its still very hard on the first wife i’m sure but we must acknowledge that if its done correctly and the first wife was not cheated on or left in the dark then Alhamdulillah that is the way of our teachings and we should strive to accept it in a more positive way.

    I often put myself in my co wifes position to try and understand her hurt and to have sympathy in my heart for her. Pray that she can see my plight as well.

  • Jasmina

    January 8, 2017

    Salam sisters I hope I can join in the conversation soon, been very busy, but I need to vent. I was in the checkout at the toy shop and my child had to pick between two toys as they were overpriced and so I was explaining this in my language when another Muslim sister said I’d just say no full stop and then the check out lady said the same thing and they had a giggle. I told her I jut got the one child only becaus I was holding back from snapping at her this is the nicest thing I thought to say. So she says she too has only one daughter and she wouldn’t sit there talking to her about it, what she says goes and that’s it. I just ignored her. I was so upset and embarrassed. ¬†I told the checkout lady I wished people would mind their own business snatched the receipt of her and walked out. People can be so rude. It’s my business how I treat my baby and I treat my children with respect. I wanted to snap at her but she was Muslim and very young I figured I’d just leave it alone, I was already trying ¬†I prev my a tantrum from my little one and to have another parent and another woman judging u is so aweful. Anyhow not polygamy related but yeah thanks for listening. Maybe I’m over sensitive. It’s my time of the month so maybe that’s it ?¬†

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    It’s somewhat like saying that a person would be the best person ever if he or she didn’t sin. Well that’s obvious. But we all sin. Some sin more than others. Some do worse things than others. All different types of people with various dispositions and personalities and commit sin are in monogamous and polygamous marriages. So why are polygamous marriages singled out as needing the perfect people in them who do the perfect things?

  • anabellah

    January 8, 2017

    I often hear wives say that a polygamous marriage would be good if the husbands knew how to do it right. What does that mean? A wife needs to ask herself what it means for a husband to do polygamy right. We know that he’s limited to four wives at one time and we know that we as mankind should be just fair and kind with everyone.

    Do people say everything would be all right in a monogamous marriage if people did it right? How does a person do a monogamous marriage right? There would be no divorces if everyone in marriages whether monogamous or polygamous did everything right (whatever that means) would there be?

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You spoke quite a bit about wanting to make your husband happy. I wrote a post/thread about it that, Insha Allah, you may find helpful.

    How She Can Make Her Polygamous Husband Happy

  • Tasliyman

    January 7, 2017

    Karima, 

    Thank you. Although our situations are quite different I see myself in you with the constant cycle of unhappiness and depression Рeven though you admit that you have a lot to be grateful for. 

    I used to be a total emotional mess. For me the change came the day I made a firm and conscious decision to not fall in that cycle anymore. ¬†I knew that I had two choices: ¬† 1) learn to live with my current situation AND be happy; or 2) get out of the marriage. ¬†I just knew I couldn’t continue with the way things were.¬†

    It was a process from that day onwards but I started seeing changes soon after I made that decision. 

    I know nobody wants to be unhappy and in that continuous cycle but I believe you need to get to the stage where you DECIDE to make the change.  

    Some of the things that used to totally mess me up back then still happen, but I deal with it differently so it affects me differently. Many things have changed though as I have changed. It basically starts with you. That’s how I see it. You cant control other people but you can control the way you behave or react to the same situations.¬†

    My prayers are with youhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Crystal, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post to us all was so heartfelt and beautiful. I’ve made a copy to keep otherwise it would get lost among the 14,004 comments that are on this blog. Again, I love your post, so much.

    Tasliyman is so right about some ladies who come to the blog and probably project their own feelings about their co-wives onto the ladies here. When I see that maybe, for instance, the ladies who married their husbands second are being attacked, I tried to end it, as it’s not right. All wives regardless of what number they married their husband in should be treated with dignity and respect here.

    We’re all learning and we’re at different stages of being able to understand a polygamous lifestyle. We all have preconceived notions about the lifestyle and go through different stages as you noted in your post.

    As you and Tasliyman said, NO ONE knows what they are getting into until they are in it. Wives who married their husbands first have to learn how to get off their high horse and grasp the fact that simply because she married her husband first doesn’t mean that she’s the Queen Bee. During a conversation with my wali, he was the one who said to me that a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife marries a man for the same reasons that a woman who married 1st did. My ears perked up when he said that and it registered. I’ll never forget it. I don’t think any woman will truly accept polygamy until she finds in her heart sincerely that all wives are the same with the only difference being their level of righteousness. Righteousness is not what we’re here to determine on this blog.

  • Tasliyman

    January 7, 2017

    Crystal, 

    You will find different opinions and views here.  The trick is to take what is relevant to your situation and learn from it and just disregard the others. 

    Not all advice and comments directed at you will be relevant to you. Some commentators feel that they know exactly who and what you are from just a few of your posts. They sometimes project their dislike for their own co-wife on you. At the end of the day they are also just women struggling on their own journey although they wont admit it.  

    I agree with you that there is no way to truly know what your life is going to be like after marriage until you live it.  I for one would have run for the hills if I had any idea of the nature and intensity of the challenges and  emotional rollercoaster ride that I would go through.

    Saying that you knew what you were getting into so you should not complain is just a very naive statement to me. There’s so much more to it than that.¬†

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Umm actually, the post I wrote to nargis was niether regurgitated or from my notes. I was trying to fit in all the points that helped me thoughout the years. During my journey id always think, dang, if id only known that before it could have made things a lot easier. Kinda like my ‘tools’ for getting though it. It would be the same thoughts that would pick me up and make me able to keep moving.¬†

    Nargis, sorry if my comment to you was the opposite of help. 

  • Serena

    January 7, 2017

    Salam

    Thank you sister Ana for understanding. ¬†I haven’t told my story on the blog yet but Alhumdulillah your blog and so much of what you write has helped me.¬†

  • Serena

    January 7, 2017

    Salam

    AngrySA

    Why so much anger steming from your reply to me.

    IF ANYTHING YOU NEED TO READ MY POST CAREFULLY before ACCUSING of putting you down. Where did I put you down?

    I said as you have made up your mind there is no point contacting NADRA.  The post was directed to you and Saira as she was suggesting about contacting them.

    You asked Saira for the number that’s why I said number is available online.¬†

    You say you are not angrg then why have that name and attack someone who is advising you without reading what you yourself asked and wrote and the response you got. Read properly the response.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Serena,

    It’s okay. I wasn’t actually sure about what you were asking, so I took a guess. I know next time to ask for clarification when I don’t understand someone’s post. Thanks for letting me know that I misunderstood it.

    In answer to your question, it’s perfectly okay for people to repeat and refer to anything on the blog. It’s all here open for discussion. When you said that you think some of us here misunderstand Concerned’s posts, I understand what you mean. You may have been referring to what I speak of as her regurgitating. Probably many don’t understand where I’m coming from when I say that.

    It’s important that people know their audience when speaking to a person. Sometimes words can fall on deaf ears and one can anticipate when it’s going to happen. Sometimes knowledge that’s given out of season can do more harm than good. There are people that aren’t ready for it or just don’t want it. There are some people who come to this blog and they only want to get their relationship right with their husband and life. They care nothing about Islam. Not everyone on the blog, although they say they are Muslim care about Islam. They may never pray, don’t eat halal food, don’t read Quran, don’t know what’s in the Quran and only listen to what others tell them. I kind of got a good feel of who’s talking and the level of faith they have as well.

    When Angry SA spoke out to Concerned, I knew where she was coming from. Concerned was giving the writer advice that she clearly wasn’t looking for and needed something far different. The advice seem to have come from her notes or study or what she’s read on the blog that was good information, but bad timing and not put forth in a way that could benefit the person in need. In fact, it just wasn’t the time for it, which is why I’m sure Angry SA asked if Concerned was just cold heart or something. I can’t remember her exact words now. I’m writing quickly because I’ve got to get some physical exercise in (workout) before the next salat.

    In terms of “From My Experience” I knew she we were going to have problems with her from the onset. Maybe I should have more patience with those people or maybe not. I’m not sure. She’s the type of person who comes to this blog and with pride about how they turned their husband into an *itch by having him divorce his other wife and come crawling back to her. She emasculate a man, cut off his balls and still thinks that the man is always going to love her. She lost respect for the man for having married another and loses more respect by degrading him after he drags himself back to her groveling for forgiveness and her love. I knew what we were dealing with from the onset. Then I know where it’s going when they slander our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) by mentioning that he married Aisha who was very young. What you mentioned (I think it was you) about testosterone, I understood what you meant. It diminishes in men when as they get older. What she said about our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had nothing to do with what you were talking about it. It was just an opportunity for her to defame our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a roundabout way.

  • Crystal

    January 7, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum sisters

    Firstly i’d like to say how grateful I am to my Creator who guided me to stumble upon this blog. I really had no idea that so many sisters are in polygamous marriages. As challenging as it can be some days we know that Allah has choosen us to go through this in this lifetime and Inshalah we will have greater rewards in the next life for the sacrifices we making.

    Ana to you Jazakallah May Allah Taala reward you abundantly for what your aim is with this blog. To the sisters for their support & advice & those who choose to read and not comment May Allah reward each one of you in both worlds Inshalah & make us all better women and good examples as muslim women Inshalah

    Ana I truly appreciate the way you see polygamy & get the point across. Alhamdulillah my view stands that if the man does it correctly then it is much easier for one to accept. If things are done with Allah in mind then there is always more Barakat, however one never knows what to really expect in any situation until you experience it.

    The views of two of the sisters i’ve come across recently about ladies choosing to be in polygamous marriages seemed to be not a very understanding view or perhaps the opinion / thought process is ‘well you choose it so you should not complain and accept it now’.

    Yes it is a concious choice but that does not mean that we not human and dont have feelings. We all do and we all at some stage or the other despise or have despised our situation, im sure. 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th wife.

    Alhamdulillah that we are created so amazingly that we can see wrong from right and we can choose to want to be better muslims & sisters in Islam.

    Whats awesome for me thus far / in this short time ive been part of this blog is how Ana and some of the sisters keep affirming that the only way to deal with our situation & life on the whole is to strengthen our relationship with our Rabb, to strive to put Him first in all our actions, to become better and better all the time, to see the good and to know that everything has been decreed.

    SubhanAllah i feel blessed to have found you ladies living a life of polygamy and perservering and giving good advice. 

    To the sisters that havent been dealt with in the proper manner & now find themselves in polygamous marriages that was kept a secret etc my heart breaks for you and I pray Allah makes it easy on you. Just always remember Allah tests the ones He loves the most…..

    May we continue to inspire each other with the love of our Rabb and the example of our beloved Prophet (SAW)

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Nargis

    Sis, you are definitely not weak for still loving your husband and wanting to make it work. I could talk for days on the pain I felt. I concluded that there are no words in the English dictionary to describe it. Its only felt, but I know exactly how you feel. Some days id jusy lie in bed and cry, others I was able to get up. Hours felt like days, days like years. It was, what seemed like a never-ending cycle of touture. All I could I feel was pain, I wanted desperately to just stop feeling, stop thinking, stop hurting. Id scream out loud with the pain. Then came the rage, oh my gosh, iv never felt that kind of anger in my life and never felt it since. Id flip between giving up, fliping out,crying uncontrollably, and sitting doing nothing, saying nothing just feeling pain, id just sit and feel the pain. Id think, surly no one can survive this much touture, I was sure ‘broken heart’ would be written down as my cause of death.¬†

    Now, what did I do about it, I made sure I continued to pray my 5 daily prayers, I read a lot of material on men and women. I did some lessons at the masjid which mainly consisted of the attributes of Allah (This really helped and continues to help in all matter in my life) . I always felt peace and contentment at the masjid and for a short time after. I begged and begged and begged Allah to remove the pain, even if just for one minute  (I had a constant tightness in my chest and you know that feeling when you lose something important, that too).I spoke to other sisters about it, ones who was pro polygamy and accepted the permissabilty of it. I continued to do all of these things and slowly, very slowly id have times of stability and contentment. The bad times were still more than the good times but again, slowly the good became more than the bad. There was a time when I would have like a good 3 weeks and then have a mental breakdown, these too lessened as time went on. I know 100% fact if it were not for the mercy of Allah id be finished. I found a new strength and built a foundation that of ever I felt rubbish again I start over,id go though the attributes again to remind myself that Allah is the doer of what he wills, not even a leaf can fall without his permission, Allah creates everything, cause and effect. It was a hard road but better days came ma shaa Allaah. 

  • Karima

    January 7, 2017

    Nargis my close friend told me the same thing- to divorce one year ago. She said since i have evidence photos of them n emails and messages with the other woman the divorce would be in my favor n all! He would be the cheating husband so would have to pay Child support and i would get half of everything. Didnt check it With a lawyer i will once we return from our holidays to know in case of a divorce what to expect.

    since its the Last thing im thinking she got upset n told me I’m not listening to her and that hurts n upsets her!!!! I distanced my self from her n just recently i texted her how she hurt me. She f√©lt hurt too…she is not a muslim she always talked negatively about islam n arab men and if my marriage has problems her problems are far far worse and i feel sorry for . Husband and I tried to help her many times then we gave up as her husband is my husband s best friend sthng I don’t like as the guy is not my taste of a friend but men with each other are different I guess¬†

  • Karima

    January 7, 2017

    Tasliyman

    i really like

    your posts im

    learning from you or at least I try 

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Concerned,

    I like your attitude about seeing faults and making changes in oneself (with the help of Allah). I’m with you in regards to it for myself. The way to go ūüôā

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Tasliyman 

    Thanks for your words. I think we’ve been in the same position except when I read something that rubbed me the wrong way I spoke on it. Keeping my mouth shut is something I try desperately hard to do. It used to bother me that my co never reached out or anything (shes a REALLY reserved, private person) I come to realise that it was for my own safety, I dont dare to think what I would have said to her. Most of the time in those days I was off my rocker anyways. I would have hoped I could have helped you in other ways, and not being a person who tests your patience. Im glad you feel you’ve benefited from it though, and it helps me to know, so I can improve in my approach and change some of my ways. Everything I say is sincere, even if it was a bad thing,thats what im thinking and feeling. Yes, I am trying, im not there yet but as long as I can keep being told my errors I can work on fixing them.¬†

  • Tasliyman

    January 7, 2017

    Concerned, I get that you trying to make changes but reading your posts are mind-boggling to me too. 

    At times it seems so insincere but I suppose I should find a way to forget everything you said in the past and remember that you have changed (or at least are trying to change). 

    I know that you feel that you have not been a test to another woman but the truth is that you actually have been a test to me. I’ve had to find levels of patience I didnt even know I had and had to resist responding to many of your offensive posts. ¬†

    I’m actually grateful for it because it helped me grow emotionally. I am now better equipped to deal with difficult people and I can now disregard unwanted opinions much easier than I could before.¬†

    I suppose this is how we grow and many times it’s not an easy process. ¬†May Allah guide us all and help us to grow into beter Muslims.

     

  • Karima

    January 7, 2017

    Salam

    Serena jazak Allah kheir. My sisters pls forgive me for repeating the same things all over again, I’m doing little or no progress I guess:(

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Nargis,

    I totally agree with all that Tasliyman said to you. Those are my thoughts about it too and I could not have said it any better or make it clearer than she has done.

    Your husband and his other are wrong to hard pressure you that way. They need to back up off you. Don’t let THEM control your life. You are your own person. They don’t get to take over your life. You must be strong and stand up to them. Demand respect. If you don’t, there will always be more that they will expect and demand of you. Nip that crap in the bud. Quash it. Both of them have got a lot of gumption trying to strong arm you after all you are going through.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    We must be patient with one another as well about how much of a post is read. There are a huge number of posts coming through and it’s practically impossible to sit down and thoroughly read completely each post. It’s something that we should be mindful of.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    It’s sooooo easy for us to misread other’s post. I just yesterday did it. I misread and misinterpreted Serena’s post.

    Doing so is bound to happen. I doubt anyone does it intentionally. The written word and the spoken word can come across differently. We must be patient with one another and more understanding.

  • Tasliyman

    January 7, 2017

    Aslm, 

    Nargis, I’ve not been able to read all the posts but here’s my input.¬†

    Your husband is married to the other wife Рyou are not married to her. I dont see why they insist that you get close with her.  Perhaps you should explain to him that the dynamics of your relationship with her changed when they got married secretly.  Your friendship stopped existing.  That shouldnt be too hard to understand.

    Let him know that at this moment you are not able to offer her any kind of friendship but you will let them know if that changes in the future.

    I think its very naive of them to think that you should just pick up where you left off and pretend that nothing happened. 

    For your own sake I would suggest that you do find a way to work through the hurt and betrayal and that you manage to truly forgive them. But even then, there’s no rule that says you should be friends with your co-wife. ¬†As long you manage to get to a state where you treat her well from a islamic perspective, just as we are required to treat all of mankind, I wouldn’t stress about forcing a friendship with her.¬†

    That’s just my viewpoint.¬†

     

  • Angry SA

    January 7, 2017

    Serena

     

    If your read my first post properly I mentioned the length I went thru looking for proof about marriage status and Saira mentioned that her sister said it’s so easy

    YES I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND and confirmation is not necessary anymore as my husband came clean. 

    Don’t know who are telling me why I need confirmation now when ¬†I made up my my mind d

    In future read properely before putting someone down ????

  • Nargis

    January 7, 2017

    Salam all,

    Thank you Ana, Concerned, Serena, From my experience, Karima and all the others who advised me or gave me support.

    Divorce is my very very last option as I still love him very much and he is a fantastic father and my kids love him like crazy.

    I was asking about it only because I feel that if after months or years of this hell and depression and confusion and burning in my soul everyday doesnt reduce then isn’t it better to divorce as I dont want my children or myself to suffer this pain….

    I have been married almost 10 years.

    She knew very well that he was married but they both fell in love I guess.

    What galls me is that she has the guts to try and get my children on her side and insisting that my husband let her spend time with them even when I am not comfortable with that. He agreed in the beginning but now she just creates so much emotional drama etc that he agrees to whatever she says..

    In one way I understand Sarena saying that things are new there so obviously he will be newly in love with her and want to do what she wants..but what about my feelings.. 

    Also, do they expect 4.5 months to be enough time for me to get over the hurt, the secret nikah the betrayal etc..

    She puts so much pressure on him that he is not able to think straight. 

    When he used to support me in my depression and stand by me..now he is impatient and says that she is hurting and that I need to understand her hurt at not being accepted by me and that I am disrepecting her!!

    After all this, I still love him and want to make this marriage work. I wonder if that makes me weak!

    I want to move forward but for every one step I take forward I get depressed and then we fight and then its four steps backwards.

    I know deep down he loves me but I am scared that he loves her more and will that make this marriage harder to work at

     Will my heart continue to break everyday that he hets closer to her?

    I am lost and confused. Anybody here who is new to polygmay like me? 

    Or can you sisters share what it felt like to you when you first found out and how did you all deal with these feelings of soul searing depression…

    I feel very alone as my close friend flatout told me to divorce and I want to keep divorce as the very last option..

     

    Sometimes its almost like he expects me to just get over it as soon as possible …

     

     

  • Serena

    January 7, 2017

    Salam 

    Aaliyah 

    You should have got someone involved like your wali or an imam when things were getting out of hand. It’s still not late to talk to your wali or someone like an imam.

    I am not sure if you feel you can continue to live in your marriage the way your husband treats you and put up with his behaviour.

    Sorry if this may sound harsh but why are you letting him treat you like that? You are his wife just like his other wife and have rights too. Do you think because you put up with his behaviour he continues it? You don’t have to answer but just something to think about.¬†

    Aaliyah alhumdulillah you have turned to Allah to help you. Keep asking Allah for relief. 

    Karima

    Sister every time I read your posts it saddens me what you going through. Sorry don’t know what to say but hope Allah keeps you strong emotionally.

  • Serena

    January 7, 2017

    Salam

    Ana

    I think you misunderstood probably because of the way I wrote. I wasn’t talking about the old blog. ¬†I meant advice that you or others have given in other posts on this blog. I meant if it’s ok if someone like myself repeats there advice especially because newcomers may benefit from such advice if they haven’t read all the posts. ¬†Also sometimes tbe advice given to one can benefit others. ¬†Sorry for not being so clear in last post.¬†

    Concerned 

    Don’t worry about it. ¬†I was also thinking all sorts about the so called friend but just didn’t think it right to say it here.¬†

    Some of the time I think what you write gets misunderstood. 

    AngrySA and Saira

    You know the NADRA some people don’t always give true information. It’s easy for a person to say they are single because NADRA doesn’t know someone is married unless proof is shown. So someone who doesn’t want to register on NADRA as being married just will tick that they are single and show no evidence like nikah certificate.¬†

    I don’t see any point AngrySA contacting as she said she haa made up her mind. But just in caae their numbers are available online just search it.¬†

    For those that don’t no NADRA is a Pakistani government run organisation that issues Pakistani passports and ID cards. They deal with visas etc too and they have offices worldwide wide.

  • Anjum

    January 7, 2017

    salam alaykum to all my sisters here https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    I tried to read all the posts here and wow so many in just a few days. What I always notice when I write here is the mention of Pakistanis and there behaviour regarding women and marriage. 

    Here where I live is a very large Pakistani community (alhamdulillah my hubby isnt one) and I ¬†can only confirm that this type of marriage for visa does happen a lot, but I think its quiet important to point out that it is not only Pakistanis but I had to see this same type of behaviour generally with men who come from “third world countries” and who wants Visa.

    I live in the UK (but I’m not british) and here it went so far that they look specially for Eastern European girls to marry because its easier to get a Visa from a european citizen then from a UK citizen as the laws are different. Warning signs are very often there, specially the man not having a permanent residence of course, not minding the womens lifestyle or that she has kids from previous relations and often also a big age gap where the man is often in his 20s and the women in her 40s or even older. All things which usually would never be acceptable in there own culture.¬†

    The families back home are also often involved and know whats going on as they are dependent on financial support from the west and even wifes back home play along and act as sisters just for the sake of the ticket to a better lifestyle.

    I do know some relations who are very genuine and who are married for a long time long after the man was granted permanent residency but they all have a few things in common which are more or less similar age of the couple and the wife is a reverted muslim and usually reverted long before meeting her future husband and not just to please him.

    That are just my observations on this topic and hope no one minds. just wanted to write that down because warnings here are always regarding Pakistanis and others are often neglected. In my own country most men who marry for visa come actually from Morocco, Tunisia, Egypt and Nigeria and although the country is different the stories are all the same just like some of the Ladies here wrote it down regarding Pakistanis.

     

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Umm of 2

    I missed your post about being a broken record. Iv only mentioned these things when iv been wrongly accused. Some people keep repeating themselves, so I keep repeating myself. And  I made it more apparent to frommyexperience because she thinks that you can only be miserable in polygamy, but thats not the truth. 

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    All, please make sure you don’t miss some of Concerned’s posts that are under mine. They came in while I was typing mine on this phone.

    My hand is tired from holding this phone and typing with one finger. I’m going to go to sleep now.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Sister Saira, AsSalaamu Alaikum

    You are such a sweet and compassionate person. You’re right about Sis concern about laying off of her. we can be awfully hard on one another here.

    You sound very happy and I’m glad you’re becoming happier and happier in your marriage.

    Your post was so cute. You said you hope you don’t have roller coaster time lol. It made me chuckle.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    I’m kind of catching up on the posts here.

    Umm of2,

    I just read your post, and l like your very simply definition a lot about what accepting polygamy is.

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Serena

    Thank you for your advice. Ok, so I guess it was a little harsh to call someone an evil witch. I was so angry at the actions of the person in question took. Allah revealed that lying, betrayal  (if it was betrayal) deceiving etc is wrong and evil. I cant very well say these things are ok. Really, I should have just kept it to myself. So much drama and hurt happends when people do these things and after all theres no reason to lie, if what yout doing is allowed. Aliya who has just joined is in a sad situation because her husband lies, he hides her because his other wife wont accept polyagmy but she will accept lying, adultery, taking away a persons rights and (thinking) that shes ended someones marriage. I think there both wrong for it. Its just seems so backwards to me. Woman stay with their husbands after affairs, consistent lying and deceivement but leave or threaten to when he actully marrys another woman. I dunno, I guess just keep it to myself. 

  • Concerned

    January 7, 2017

    Ana

    Yes,I do have tough skin. Having a stern husband, working in an industry which mainly consists of men and living polygamy I learned you dont get very far being overly sensitive. In the case of this blog, if someone makes an incorrect statement about me, it doesn’t bother me cuz its not the truth. I know im harsh in speaking and opinion but thats nothing to do with polygamy. The long and short of it is, im a bit of a bi&&h, believe it or not, iv improved. Most of the time I intend good but my mouth/writings needs deliverance.¬†

    Last night (it wasnt my night) I wanted to call my husband to ask if im crazy or do people just not understand me. An wadda ya know, he randomly called. So I explained that I think people should AT LEAST have a round about idea what to expect when they enter situations i.e marriage/polygamy,I mean a person cant possibly think it’s gonna be all rainbows and love hearts, right?. Do people just walk around having no clue about what there doing? Well, he disagreed with me and said im just being extreme. Ok fine, im not completely convinced yet, but in shaa Allaah ill get there.¬†

    Ummof2

    Yes, I see what ur saying about my chapter 20 and someone else’s chapter 1. But if I gave advice about what I was thinking then I could only say RUN, as fast as you can, and dont look back, its touture, everyday, all day for years. But now, id say, it still is that BUT theres light at the end of the tunnel if you do X,Y, Z . I was way too emotional and what I needed then was for someone to be direct. Not join me in my black hole of doom.¬†

    If you remember I bagan speaking in genral terms when I first came on the blog, this was to avoid being so personal. ¬†I was asked not to do that, so I began speaking about my personal situation. Obviously its coming across wrong but I wanted women to know it doesn’t have to be a one way trip to misery town, you dont have to stop loving your husband to be ok and surprisingly your marriage and bond with your husband can improve, you could be blessed with a better husband than you had before. So, I relate my story because its reality not just an ideal.¬†

  • Karima

    January 7, 2017

    Sis Aaliyah

    you have done the honorable thing of telling the first wife from the beginning what’s happening!

  • Karima

    January 7, 2017

    Slm I agree with Ana! From my experience is being rude and hurtful. Polygyny is allowed in islam. The problem is not polygyny for me, at least not any more. ¬†Too much had happened too many lies and deceit and hurt and pain for all of us, including the other woman. ¬†Either she lied too on the phone, either husband, or both of them. ¬†I know I should accept Allah put me in this for a reason, I know I should forgive for my peace and forget the past n concentrate on the good I have say alahmdulellah and stop expecting husband come and give me an explanation. It is still difficult and hurts as I have anaawered questions …:

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    “From My Experience” is history now, so there is no need to reply to her. Any similar comments from those like her, I will place directly into spam to prevent future disruption here, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Aailyah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sister, don’t pay attention to what the commentator “From My Experience” said. You’ve done nothing wrong and you are more than welcome here.

    I see that I’m going to have to start putting A HOLES in spam again.

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    @From my experience,

    This doesn’t appear to be the blog for you if you’re going to spew hatred and degrade wives here. This blog is for those with a positive interest in polygamy. All wives whether they married 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th are the same here.

    You need to reevaluate your reason for being here. As Concerned said, you got your husband back to yourself. You should be happy and attending to him instead of coming here trying to mess with people and disrupt this blog.

    I think you need to permanently click out of here and find yourself a hater blog that is more suited for you.

  • From my experience

    January 7, 2017

    Aliya, 

    Ur post just proved what I stated below. U can’t be happy by sleeping with other woman’ s husband. Karma will hit u back for her tears and suffers. U f*ck her husband & expecting her to become ok with passage of time. 70% of second marriages ( polygamous muslim) end up in divorce within 1 year . This stats almost same in all muslim countries.

     

  • From my experience

    January 7, 2017

    Serena, 

    No I don’t know & understand ¬†what r trying to say about testosterone. I said about age difference to make picture clear as Karima asked my story. Prophet was above 50 when he married teenage Aisha mother of believers. So do u think it s bad?¬†

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    I’m sorry. The blog’s policy is not to give out email addresses. It’s a practice that I don’t want to begin. If I were to give the email address for one, I would have to give it to all who goes to the Pakistani thread and then ask for help finding out if someone from Pakistan is married or not. It’s just too much work. I gave out email addresses when the older version of the blog closed because I had no intention of reopening the blog. I didn’t and couldn’t foresee that it would reopen.

  • Angry SA

    January 7, 2017

    Assalamu alaikum Saira 

    When ¬†my husband came back from his last visit from Pakistan within the first month my sixth sense told me his married I asked him if he was and he kept promising me if he was he would have told me….I believe him but I could not shake this feeling I had

    I had a friend from SA that went to Pakistan and I called her and asked her is there a way I could check to see if my husband did get married I told her what i was feeling and I needed some proof to prove he was lieing to me…. her husband and who is my husbands friend told me there is no way check because marriages are not registered¬†

    Sadly to say my friend from SA came back to South Africa divorced and still trying to get her children back to SA and this is going on for over a year. Her life is so messed upped because her Pakistani husband has money

    You say you spoke to your sister about NADRA pls feel free to give me their contact number. NADRA has a WhatsApp line as well and they told me they can’t assists me…. their database for marriage is not updated. I have tried all means to get proof but none available. If you like you try and inquire about someone marriage status and then you can tell me I’m wrong because clearly what your sister is saying she did not put I to practise herself¬†

    Here in SA the Pakistani embassy has records that’s his still married to his 1st wife whom he divorced 5 years ago and this while he his currently married in Pakistan. I collected his his new passport and they did not believe he was my husband I had to show them proof like a marriage certificate.¬†

    Maybe he was confused when he applied for a new passport which wife his married too. I knew about the first yes and she registered at NADRA as his wife

    His first wife has since remarried or is she married to my husband again. I’m not sure but doubt she will make a mistake to remarry a liar like my husband¬†

    But this is all In the past I can’t dwell on my past hurt I’m stronger than what I was a year ago and know what I want In future and that does not include my husband he can go back to his country and live a happy life with the wife his mother forced him to marry¬†

    Please feel free to ask Ana my email address only if you have a contact number to verify his status…… and no I’m not angry at what you said that’s your opinion and I do appreciate it,,,,,,,,,,,,

     

  • anabellah

    January 7, 2017

    Concerned, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    That was an excellent question that you asked about what accepting polygamy really means.Thumbs up For the longest time, I didn’t exactly know either. Most women probably don’t know and are confused about it. I’ve written a post/theme on it.

    “What Accepting Polygamy is About”

    By the way, Concerned, you’re one of those people who have tough skin. I’m trying to get that way…

    Okay, I’ve fallen way behind now in reading the posts Sigh

  • Aaliyah

    January 6, 2017

    Asalaamalaykum I have been with my husband for 13 years 5 of which I have been married to him for. I am his second wife, I agreed to marry him on the condition that he tells his first wife and family about our relationship. He told them and as expected they did not agree to me being his wife. His sister’s started to take sides with his wife and they kept calling me and swearing. His first wife threatened to leave him if he stayed with me and said that he would not be allowed to see his children. At first I tried to be patient and tell him to let her be angry as she needed time to come to terms with what he had done bit instead he lied to her and said that we are divorced. He has been caught out by her several times since but he always manages to make her believe that he is no longer with me. I have become a dirty secret and as a result of this I only get 2 nights in a week and only see him in the night. He does not provide for me or give me any rights that a wife has. We argue all the time and I’m left alone for sometimes weeks on end. He always says that he has more responsibilities at the other house and that he will answer to Allah SWT for what he is doing. I am suffering with various illnesses and one of them is progressive, he was aware of my illness before marriage and despite my best efforts to make him understand that getting married is a bad idea he insisted that we marry. He has made many promises all of which he has broken. I am so upset as I went against my family’s advice to be with him and fought with his family too. He has no consideration for me or my feelings, I feel very dirty and used. The only good that has come from this is that I have turned to Allah SWT because I know only HE SWT can comfort me and guide me. I strongly advise any woman who is thinking about being a second wife to think twice, it will turn you in to someone you never were or even worse the type of person ¬†you hate.¬†

  • Karima

    January 6, 2017

    I forgot to say everything was meant to be for a reason .  Propably for me to wake up and see his true colors- lying comes so easily for him. 

    And realize I have work to do on myself

    From myexlerience he said a few times there is nothing and it’s over ¬†n al when i threatening for a divorce n giving ultimatum. N crying n beging n all…. I feel uncomfortable for having to go through all that. ” making ” him lie in order not to destroy the family idea n lose me. ¬†From his indirect answers this man wants as both … make him divorceher if they are married won’t erase the feelings and care for her. No guarantee another woman won’t go after him who will mistakenly think she can have him all for herself lol. ¬†

    But there is no trust here that’s for sure. It

    wss very little from the very beginning and now it’s zero

    and. No one forced me to stay st the very beginning. When there was no 

    marriage and no kids.  Sometimes I do think I got what I wanted we did get married n all. There are kids and he provides and most time is with us

    but we are not soul mates.  Sad fact yes . I pray Allah make me stronger to be able

    to handle and accept this and make husband come and tell me what’s going on or give me strength to walk out

     

     

  • Karima

    January 6, 2017

    From my experience being 7 years in depression is not quiet the truth as I am depressive by nature and trying to fight against it in various ways- some of them proved not the best solution- . ¬†im together With This man for 19 years, married With him 8 years that day I became a muslim to him and his family surprise. ¬†My heart didn’t have the pure intention to do it for God only though I thought I was doing it for the right reason. ¬†I’m afraid I was too much in love it was a mixed up situation.

    Husband was like this more or less from the beginning. Making me feel insecure and suspicious but then again my brought up was like men are cheaters and can’t be trusted. ¬†Why then I got involved with him??? I was dying to have someone to care for and vice versa. I wanted to feel happiness. But it has always been bitter sweet with us. ¬† Before we got married I left him twice but feeling worse without him even more depressed and lost. I left him due to pressure I had from my family due to him being muslim.

    i loved him so much I did many things because I was very much in love and wanted him to love me.

    in my good days in general which is 2 weeks per month when I’m not about to get my period and when I don’t have my menses I can somehow control my not so sweet side and feel good about myself life act nicely merrily etc. but those other 2 weeks I have a long face sometimes talk negatively not be the best company to be around being harsh with kids sometimes etc

    yes im trying to justify why it was easy for him to fall in love with that woman but I don’t want to put the blame on me Or to Anyone .:::I am who I am no one forced him to marry me( though I think indirectly I did-he felt I was really waiting for him to pop up the question) he thought perhaps I would get crazy again n leave him I don’t know.

    i failed to know my husband i think . I didnt ¬†and still dont always manage to communjcwte With him and that hurts. I dont know how to control my feeling doing that so because I will keep crying I don’t talk to him and resentment is build up inside me against him and myself too

    i don’t know for sure what’s going on I just feel the other is in the picture somehow.

    i am here cause I can’t leave him I am weak not strong and have kids and don’t have a secure job . ¬†Trying to do sthng but it will take time

     

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I deleted everything from the older blog because all throughout I wrote about my personal life and my true identity is now known out there in cyberspace. I wouldn’t have been able to do be selective. I would have had to upload over 5 years of information (the older version of this blog).

    I’m grateful to Allah that He allowed me to copy the story of the characters for the book before I deleted everything. Sometimes I miss not having all the posts from the older version of the blog here. There was a lot of very good information on there. Those writers are no longer here. Gail and Arzoo were the last of them. We learned a great deal from one another. I was learning a lot then too as polygamy was all new to me then.

  • Saira

    January 6, 2017

    I would say sister concern really trying hard to advice best but poor soul is in pain deep down her self 

    I would say I know where she coming from I was the one saying and thinking I was the best wife bla bla and getting more sex and all and when Allah showed me my husband can be mean to me get cosy other end 

    i think it happend for a reason as Allah wanted to show me 

    it was first time when me and my husband didn’t spoke whole day and not seen each other 48 hours¬†

    I just kept my self busy then with my course work and prayer and since then Allah out barkah in my life 

    I was criticised about being demanding about sex and I think every one  was right 

    all critisizm helped me work on my eman 

    and now even if my co comes and say we had sex and show me their dirty pictures it woudnt bother me much like it would had before 

    i stay with mother in law one night and one night with hubby and the day I spend at mum in law I begain to relize Alhamdulih I have husband who loves me and whom I love 

    he is been taking me on dates secretly and in our night he shows so much love towards me I just thanks Allah and hope again I won’t have roller coaster time¬†

    As polygamy is roller coaster and we all have time when we sad and happy 

    I would say be soft on sister concern I have not able to read and understand much of words but I can’t crtisise her or any one when I been wrong many times¬†

    she tried hard and sometime she gets turning point but I think she need our support 

    welcome sister from my experiance 

    lol that viagra story is funny poor guy must be so embarace in that situation 

    my husband wanted to try one and he cudnt sleep and he was kept eating am glad we didn’t had to go to hospital¬†

    but 200 blood pressure is scary 

  • Serena

    January 6, 2017

    Salam

    Ana

    Is it ok to repeat some the things you or others have said on the blog? I mean the good advice can we repeat it to others regardless of who said it? The reason I ask is because maybe someone new on the blog can benefit from the advice especially they haven’t read old posts.

    Concerned

    Sister you said some harsh things especially calling Nargis husband’s other wife a witch and that the community will disown her. We don’t know the full story maybe the other wife is innocent and Nargis husband played the major part meaning he could have approached Nargis friend first. Maybe he had feelings for the friend all along. Remember it takes two to tango. You cannot blame the other woman.¬†

    You need to stop saying things like you were charitable to your co wife in a negative way. If you are doing charitable stuff for her why keep mentioning you will loose reward for it.

    Frommyexperience

    I think you and your husbamd deserve each other. The other woman is lucky to be free. You said your husband could not satisfy two woman and that you have a high drive and your husband has a low drive. Well you probably gonna be in for disappointment because he is much older than you and evidence shows testosterone levels drop as men get older. I leave it to you to work out what I am trying to say!!

     

  • Saira

    January 6, 2017

    Sister angry SA 

    sorry if you didn’t like any of my advice it’s just I seen and witness many cases like you In close family and it just makes me remind them and feel like I should help when I can’t actully¬†

    but sister you in my prayers May Allah open helping doors for you Ameen 

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Sorry we also met up 3 times. Once was a day out with all of us. 

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Umm of 2

    We haven’t (me and my co) had much contact/communication. Iv only spoken to her once on the phone. Everything was pleasent and just genral conversation. Dont know how hurt or offended one can get from gifts, but you never know. So it doesn’t leave much room for hurting her intentionaly or unintentionally.¬†

    I thought encouraging others to do nice things was a good thing. Im not sure why encouraging my husband to do something nice for his wife would be a bad thing. I dont think it matters if he would have done it by himself or not. What matters is I intended to do something good. 

     

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    Please bear with me. I did an update on the blog, now I must put all the features back in there places. Thank you!

  • Saira

    January 6, 2017

    Aslamu Alaykum 

    sister angry SA

    i was on fone with my sister in back home and was sharing your story and she told me now a days in NADRA they register all married even up to 4 

    but they made rule for husband to identify if he had marriade before or had wife even in any country 

    and husband need permission for first wife to marry second one 

    to be honest I didn’t like that permission part of course your situation is diffrent as you not living in same country but from Islamic point of view I disagree with this rule¬†

    but i think it’s good idea if you check with NADRA council and notify them¬†

    I am not against polygamy sister only saying as you are in total diffrent situation 

    I am sure if your husband wanted to marry as you can’t have kids and he wanted you would happily let him do but in your case he is just using you just raising him and his family¬†

    I think it’s worth trying to notify nadra¬†

    again I am just passing you information I had for nadra plz do not take it in wrong way sister 

  • Umm of2

    January 6, 2017

    How does concerned know she hasn’t hurt her co. There’s many ways one human can hurt the other unintentionally but she gave a definite NEVER. She speaks of her co like a charity case every chance she gets. She says she pushed her husband to go the extra mile for her co as if he wouldn’t do it himself, like who do you think you are concerned. Be real with yourself. The truth will set u free.¬†

  • Umm of2

    January 6, 2017

    Word to the wise if you have a happy marriage happy life you accepted polygamy just like that you shouldn’t have to keep repeating it like a broken record lol

  • Umm of2

    January 6, 2017

    Concerned your posts are just nasty. I can’t bare to read at this point. I’m squinting for your once in a blue moon words of wisdom but it’s a dead end. You’re doing your usual “reverse psychology” on the writers here. Telling people what they feel or why they did this or that. You are really throwing me for a loop¬†

  • Umm of2

    January 6, 2017

    Welcome angry¬†SA and nargis and from my experience. InshaAllah I’ll get up to speed with your posts and advise to the best of my ability

  • Umm of2

    January 6, 2017

    Salaama

    concerned you come off extremely hostile. That’s why I haven’t written. You claim to be in such a happy perfect bubble but you bring such hostility to the blog and make it very uncomfortable to write. Some stuff you say is right on point and other stuff you say are things sis Ana writes time and time again. You’re like sis Ana 2.0 or something. You continue disrespecting sis Ana, the blog and other people’s feelings. Don’t compare you’re chapter 20 with their chapter one. You have to learn to think back to your earlier days of polygamy and how you felt in situations how you probably thought you weren’t going to make it mentally then give advice. You really need to simmer it down and be honest with yourself and what’s really going on behind closed doors. If you were really as happy as u claim and you have the perfect marriage the perfect conyou should be blowing fairy dust in every post but I see anger in your writings. Lots of it.¬†

  • Frommyexperience

    January 6, 2017

    Karima, I missed word LEAVE  in sentence without hesitation.

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Ana

    I mean, since iv been here we’ve spoken on other topics too.

    Ok sis. So, to the best of your knowledge what is the definition of ‘accepting polygamy’ maybe that is what we disagree on.

  • Frommyexperience

    January 6, 2017

    Karima,

    This happened 4 years ago. Everything went all good & everybody happy now. There is no need to spy. Hubby never kept password on the phone or walk out of room to answer . Divorce was final for her in front of his family who completly supported me. I made it clear to him in front of his family, I will not spy & control but even one instincts tells me something still going on or any attempts that all no more chances for him. He divorced her easyly as he realised he can’t satisfied even physically 2 women ( his sex drive from early marriage was lowerr than mine, I’m 12 years younger him & enjoy lots of sex), he started abused Viagra at that point. He finished in emergency room with blood pressure 200. She brought him to hospital . I got call from hospital, arrived there with his brother & his father. Nobody knew about his secret marriage. She was there that day that’s how it came out the truth. His family & me were shocked. Most humiliating part was when doctor said he was very close to heart attack due to constant Viagra usage.That time( when second secret marriage happened) I was 31 he was 43. When we married I was 18 he was 30 almost. It was love marriage.¬†

    I m on this blog not because unhappy but trying understand things & love reading. I read occasionally other blogs (not polygamy related) related human psychology, kids psychology( it doesn’t mean I m not happy or good motherr, right?)

    By the way, we r Muslims. But polygamy is not accepted well in our culture. as it proved back in my country that polygamy in 99-% causes more harm than benefits. There are numerous researches ( conducted by muslim specialists) prove it. Also we have old wise saying in our country: to build strong house, u need clean straight surface for strong foundation, y can’t make solid structure at the top of old house wreckages.¬†

    Karima, don’t be afraid, teach him a lesson. Seven years in depressive mood that’s too much. U still young & can be happy with better man. Don’t waste valuable time. If he really loves u, he will other woman without much hesitation. If he doesn’t, it means he is with u only kids & loves other woman more. In such case let them be happy. Don’t think that giving him the whole to her means loosing. She will be the looser as she will live with this man & guilt for rest of her life.

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Angry SA

    I went back and read it (my comment to nargis) I dont see where I TOLD her to stop hurting, or said anything even remotely that would want some to kill themselves. Would you like to clarify wtf your on about? 

  • Angry SA

    January 6, 2017

    Ana

    I am sure poor Nargis is more confused now after all concerned advice

    Nargis I don’t know how to make you feel better or tell you what to do this is a process that you need to go thru and you the only one that can make that decision what the way forward is for you…… it took me a year to make sense of what happened to me and I found out that if I could forgive my husband I could heal myself. That’s the only way I could move forward and .make my decision¬†

    I wish you all the luck forward and will keep you in my duah’s insha Allah¬†

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Concerned,

    I’m sorry, but you lost me with your last post. What were you talking about other than polygamy?

    I don’t dislike you. I just think that you’re all over the place and you’re very confusing. As I stated, I think you contradict yourself a lot. To say that you’ve accepted polygamy and just not long ago you were attacking 2nd wives???

    Everyone here is trying to learn, trying to make changes in their lives and trying to be better Muslims. It’s what having this blog available for all with a positive interest in polygamy is all about. We’re all going to be battling with ourselves individually until we leave this planet.

    With regard to Angry SA, is she still angry? Maybe so; maybe a little; maybe a lot; maybe not now; maybe tomorrow. Who doesn’t get angry every now and again? We all do.

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Ana

    WHICH ONE IS IT?. Its ANYBODY, who has absolutely no CONCERN about anyone but themselves. This blog is about polygamy and is full of women, so when I address the issue hear I can help but mention wives. When I speak in other places, I address the same issue but apply it to the situation and people who im talking too. Why would I come here and talk about something other than polygamy,except briefly mentioning no polygamy related things. 

    I do hope you realise the you and Angry SA, dislike me for different reasons. Shes on her own thing. 

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Angry SA,

    What I got from Concerned post to Nargis was regurgitation. She repeats a lot of what she’s heard on this blog or read else where, but hasn’t really digested it enough to understand it and put it in context when advising others.

    Some of what she advises is right on time and applicably. A lot isn’t.

    In her post to “From My Experience” she says, “. It sounds a bit hypocritical, that you dont care about men and there not worth it but had to hurt another woman to get one to yourself”. There she is accusing a woman who married first for hurting a woman for having her husband divorce the second wife.

    Which is it? The 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives hurt other women and now it’s the lst wife who has hurt a woman. Which one is it and what is it?

  • Angry SA

    January 6, 2017

    YOUR A JOKE CONCERNED 

     

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    No Ana. Iv also disagreed with 1st wives who demanded their sisters divorce. Im not going to keep going over it. It makes no difference to my life, what you believe. By all means continue to give your advice,in shaa Allaah. 

     

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Wow Angry, you really are ANGRY. why have such a name if your calm. Unless I told someone to kill themselves, it wouldn’t be my fault. And I didn’t TELL anyone to stop hurting. I advised HOW to stop hurting.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Nargis is a different story. She had a best friend betray her trust.

    Then the question is – was it a betrayal after all? Allah says those who trust should put their trust in Him. The only One whom we can really trust is Allah.

    Nargis situation may be a test for her. It was written by Allah that she would deal with the situation that she is in. How will she deal with it?

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Concerned,

    You don’t accept polygamy. You don’t get it. I simply hear you repeating a lot of what you hear, but it’s not in your heart. I know it’s not by your words and you contradicting yourself a lot.

    If a woman is in pain when she finds out that her husband will or has married another, it’s because she has a diseased heart. It has nothing to do with the other woman. Allah controls the heart.

    Women who married men who had wives already haven’t done anything wrong no more than you did when you married your husband or any woman who married her husband first. If any other woman married for worldly gain, YOU DID TOO. Those other women had every right the same as you to marry a man when he asks her to or if she asks him to.

    You are not special because you married your husband first. So, you really need to get over yourself the same as all the women here on this blog is trying to do.

    It’s been explained on this blog that NO ONE knows what they are getting until they get it. A woman who married 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th don’t know what their lives will be like until they begin to live it.

    You don’t accept polygamy because if you did you wouldn’t be making an issue about 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives accusing them of breaking hearts, causing pain and all of that. Allah didn’t allow something that is bad and harmful.

    You need to get real and face reality.

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Frommyexperience 

    Yeah, there are lots of ways to get rewards  BUT were not in control of the opportunitys given to us to get them. I think get them when you can, you might not live or have the opportunity other times. 

    If you thought you wasnt going to be happy and didnt want to sacrifice it then YOU should have left for good. Same for any wife, if you cant take the heat get out of the kitchen, dont set other people alight. Honestly, you dont seem happy to me. Why are you still talking about polygamy, and being angry. You got what you wanted, didnt you? 

  • Angry SA

    January 6, 2017

    No concerned I’m not angry I was a year ago and very calm now

    Go back to all you post and see for yourself you one confused female in the advice you giving…

    Ana ¬†it’s true what you say everytime I read a post from concerned my mouth falls open and can’t believe what I’m reading¬†

    Alhamdulilah I did not post a year ago when I was going thru what nargis  is going thru now I swear if I followed concerned advice I would surely have committed suicide and it would have been her fault

    Nobody can tell someone when to stop feeling hurt or heartsore and the end of the day it their choice so take one day at time. Things will be clear at the end and where you want to be inSha Allah 

     

     

  • FromMyExperience

    January 6, 2017

    Concerned, why should I sacrifice my happiness & live polygamous marriage I don’t comfortable with just for reward? I m sure there are lots of other ways to get rewards. Why other woman doesn’t accept her loneliness as a test from God and earn rewards by exercising patience?¬†

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Furthermore. I have NEVER hurt my co. I have NEVER said a bad word TO her. I have NEVER tried to take away her husband, her rights or her happiness. I have ALWAYS been considerate and charitable to her. I have brought her and her children many gifts. Iv made dua for her, I sent a card and gift when she gave birth to their child, I have given nights and extra time and have not once expected anything back from her. Iv discreetly edged my husband on to do nice things for her. 

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Sorry I mean personal worldly gain. 

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Ana

    What did I say about my life and husband that doesn’t add up. Iv always said I have a good marriage and am happy in it. Most of the negative comments towards me come up when I say this. WHY?¬†

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Let me make this clear. I already said I was wrong for saying such things about my co. I was very angry with her at the time and vented here by WRONGLY saying mean things about her. I dont care if your a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th or no wife at all. I dont agree with breaking hearts for personal gain. Yes, I have briefly attacked 2nd wives here, its because they broke hearts for personal gain, then became displeased with polygamy and sharing even though they forced it on someone else. Im working on changing some things, are you really going to keep going over the same things when im making effort to change AND have apologised. 

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    From the post of commentator “From My Experience” I got that she is not Muslim which is one reason I didn’t bother to reply to her with more than just a thank you.

    ” From My Experience” problems are just beginning. She’ll constantly have to spy on her husband and be his keeper, fearing he’ll sneak off to be with that other woman or find a new one. She may try to control his comings and goings, but she can’t control his mind or heart. She can’t erase any feelings that he may have in his heart for the other woman. She may never know what he feels for the other woman. He may very well resent his wife, “From My “Experience” for cutting off his balls.

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Angry SA

    please, dont take your anger out on me. Im not sure what ur problem is, considering Iv done jack diddly squat to you. 

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    Angry SA, I was stunned by Concerned’s post to the commentator ” “My Experience”, as well. It doesn’t coincides with previous posts that she’s written here about her life including her co-wife. She has said basically that her co was a charity case whom no one wants, not even her husband wants, but was doing co a favor. She has attacked second wives here etc, was hating on polygamy, but now is presenting herself as the poster child for polygamy in Islam who has got it all together SMH

  • Serena

    January 6, 2017

    Nargis

    This seems hard but with help of Allah you can get through this. Remember this dunya is full of tests and trials.

    You said you breakdown in tears when you try to talk to him and there are many questions you want to ask. Right now you are very hurt so don’t ask him too many questions. Wait until your husband is calm and so are you so that you will be able to handle the answers he gives. Then even if what you hear hurts you at least you should be able to keep yourself together inftront of him and he will tell you and open up to you inshaAllah though you will have to be prepared to hear things you won’t like.

    I don’t know how long you been married but think if your husband can do that to you his wife whom he has kids with he can do that to her too. She probably realises that inshaAllah.¬†

    He may love her more now because all being new etc but things can change. At the moment he is blinded so you do dua that Allah shows your husband the truth. Sadly your husband will think you are trying to split them up if you say anything about her that is true but he doesn’t like. You are going to have to have patience.

    Make sure your husband treats you fairly with regards to time. Even have it in writing with witnesses. 

    No human ‘belongs’ to another. We were created to worship Allah. So your husband doesn’t really belong to you or her. I understand you wanted it to be just you and him but this is something Allah had decided.¬†

     

  • Angry SA

    January 6, 2017

    Can somebody please burst the bubble concerned is living in……

  • Serena

    January 6, 2017

    Salam

    Nargis

    Sister whatever you do don’t rush into deciding divorce. I understand you are hurting and in pain but do istakhara before making any major decision. None of us knows what lies ahead and don’t know if you will be better of divorcing or not.

    You should get a third person involved someone like an imam or someone who is Allah fearing and will judge fairly between you. Tell them what has happened and try to reach some sort of agreement with your husband for now. I don’t know if you can approach his or your own family to act as arbitrators. InshaAllah when he hears from someone else what is happening on your side he might understand better.¬†

    I don’t see any reason for her to see your kids. ¬†It’s not a happy family situation at the moment so firmly and politely tell your husband you don’t feel comfortable with your kids around her.

    You trusted her as your friend and confided in her and she took advantage. Leave that to Allah she will get what she deserves. I don’t think you should pretend to be friends. The way you described things it’s bwat not to talk to her for now as she might make up stuff saying you said this and that. She will try and use it to create further problems ao leave communicating with her and concentrate on you and your marriage.¬†

    You said your husband was patient in the beginning with you and he now expects you to accept everything. Even though he feels guilty about hiding the nikah from you he probably has it justified to himself that he hasn’t done anything wrong or that his intentions were not to hurt you so he expects you to accept it. Nargis do dua to Allah to make your husband understand and to strengthen the bond of love and mercy between you two. Allah is the controller of hearts so try and have sabr.¬†

    Allah is all hearing and seeing whats going on. Have faith in him InshaAllah you will come out a better person and keep doing dua that your marriage gets better. 

    I know easier said than done but try not to think about what them two do how he feels about her etc. When you get those thoughts raise your hands in dua and ask Allah to make things easy for you and to mend your broken heart. 

    Your husband in honey moon period. He is probably scared of losing her. Who knows what tantrums she might be having that are making your husband have problems with you. Maybe she can’t handle that you are still with him. I would suggest don’t show your emotions to her.¬†

    Nargis you have children who need their mother. You need to be emotionally and mentally stable for them. You have got what she hasn’t and that’s 3 children from him alhumdulilah. You have in law’s that are taking your feelings into consideration before meeting her. Thank Allah for what you have.

    Also would like to add that your husband suggesting you can divorce him saying that he can’t see you in a miserable marriage as an excuse because he can’t handle the pressure himself. He bit of more than he can chew. Nargis don’t give up so easily. He chose to take on another wife so let him experience what it’s like having more than one wife.¬†

    Trusting him again will take time. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted. When you do something do it to to please Allah first and then there will be barakah in what you do for your husband and even if he doesn’t appreciate it at lwasr had the right intention.

     

     

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Frommyexperience 

    From MY experience no man is worth breaking your sisters heart and from the polygamous husbands iv spoken to no woman is worth breaking your wifes heart. 

  • Karima

    January 6, 2017

    Salam Nargis Your story touched me i feel for You my sister.

    may Allah help You sorry i dont have much of advice for You as i have my own mess and that doesnt help in seeing things clearly. Alhamdulellah Ana and the sisters can help You 

    frommy Experience if You dont mind could You share some more info? Only if You feel like to naturally 

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    From my experience.

    Was your husband not unhappy that you wouldn’t accept polygamy, since its part of the religion. I cant really see a good religious man accepting that his wife rejects whats allowed. My husband is lovely and appreciates me and all the rest, I didnt need to have him divorce my sister in faith, whom im supposed to love and care about and want for her that which I want for him to be that way with me. I guess I got the good husband, a happy life, accepted polygamy, was kind towards my sister in faith without having to hurt anyone, ma shaa Allaah.

    im sure it hurt to find out he had another wife, id assume it broke your heart. It just seems like a whole lot of pain just to have a husband to yourself. I mean, its a worldly matter no?. Dont you think it would have been better to have got something more, something that will benefit you in this and the hereafter after suffering such pain. It just seems a bit pointless to me, to have only a husband and no rewards for turning to Allah when you realise a human was more of a priority in your hear than your religion, hereafter etc. You said theres so much good in the world beyond men, I know, I get to experience it when my husband is with his other wife. It sounds a bit hypocritical, that you dont care about men and there not worth it but had to hurt another woman to get one to yourself https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    January 6, 2017

    FromMyExperience,

    Thanks for your comment.

  • FromMyExperience

    January 6, 2017

    Nargis, was in same situation ( have kids). No pair of testicles on earth worth it to be pumped with other woman body fluids till rest of life. One day he came & found empty house. We left. It took just few days for him to wake up & realised what hi did. Of course he divorced the w*ore. He & his family came begging forgive him. He is very lovely now & appreciates me like never before.Save ur dignity and mental health. Years of adjusting will make u chronically depressed & miserable. There is so much good in the world beyond men.

  • Saira

    January 6, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum 

    sister nargis 

    i feel for you and I know u have lost trust on your most close people whom u trusted and loved.

    you said you they married year ago and you found out few months back I take it it’s been going on from almost 6 months when u find out for women it’s not time but for a man its so long and he probably is stressed out and excused and over tired for trying and seems like he is giving up on you not in bad way in a way he might be thinking u will never understand and accept all and start life again he might be showing u being away from you that how it’s like when he is not around and that action of his making u more angery and making u think all negetive about them.

    you said she is probably brin washing him by saying you don’t respect her and all but how do you know she says that when u cut contact with her?

    shaytan is our enemy he is playing huge part in any husband wife fight.

    i would say do not pretend and be friend vd her when u have bitterness in your heart instead forgive her for sake of Allah 

    read nwafil and ask Allah do not think negetive at all about her and him even if you see negetive not for any one but for sake of your self and for Allah.

    first thing she might be feeling lonely losing her sister friend and feeling sad and second she could be doing evil as you think but in both cases leave it to Allah 

    take baby step and let your husband know that it’s nothing to do vd you accepting or not as she is his wife now so nothing will change if you hug her and welcome her or not¬†

    but let him know you taking baby steps 

    tell him you ok if he wants to take kids and Intrduce vd her and you happy if any family member welcome her 

    and for your part you tell him slowly but surely you will start meeting up but for now he should respect your choice 

    then some time when u cook something and her turn of night is you could give him food for her 

    all these action not only show your husband you caring but in sha Allah 

    Allah will put peace in your heart and in marrige 

    then he will see if other one accept your change or not 

    men don’t like crying women I know that too¬†

    if you keep crying and talking to him about her what is purposer of all this 

    even if you decided to leave your husband these feeling will hunt you and stay vd you and get more and more strong

    get rid all negativity by asking Allah for help 

    stay in wazu and do zikr 

    remeber if entire world try to do bad for you and if Allah won’t allow that it won’t happend and if Allah wants something happens to you then even entire world vd you still that thing can harm you¬†

    as for your friend Allah knows why she went back and marry your husband 

    sure Allah will that but might be a story behind all this 

    might be she was in need and your husband marry her 

    just don’t think she will play innocent role or honey moon thing and your husband turn away from you¬†

    he is not a baby he knows what he did and what he is doing 

    he probably know you that’s why he didn’t told you when he marrige her and same vd her¬†

    if she was evil you woudnt be friend vd her in start 

    ask your self are you hurt coz he marrige your friend or he married ?

    do your self a favour cry in front of Allah and don’t let any one see your pain¬†

    another day I was feeling so sad and next day when I see my husband I say Alhamdulih we alive and do see each other 

    life is too short actully we have no knowledge when we return to Allah

    before you sleep tonight read nawafil ask for astagfar if you can listen to ruquya and forgive and get rid all bitterness and sleep 

    just imagine you are going to die and returning to Allah then you will begin to do all right things my sister

    our mother shared our beloved prophet pbuh then who are we.

    its huge test vd huge reward 

    May Allah give u peace ameen

  • Concerned

    January 6, 2017

    Nargis

    Your husband is trying to weather the storm. Men really dont know how to deal with angry women. Hes probably thinking you’ll be fine soon. Thats why he spending more time away from you, polygamy is very stressful for men, when the honeymoon period is over he’ll realise he made his life a nightmare for her and a lot of men say it wasn’t worth it. If it were me id let him know he cant see her evil right now, its all new to him, he’s blinded. Make him notice that no one is going to accept her actions and what she did, everybody can see shes an evil witch except him. So who’s wrong? everyone else or him. Id tell him I feel very sorry for him having a wife like that and in shaa Allaah one day you’ll see what a vile creature she is. Id tell him theres no way im going to let my children around someone of that sort, and if he thinks thats mean then he needs to look in her face and ask what kind of person marrys her friends husband and acts like nothings going on. Ask him what he would think if his friend had an affair with his wife? What would would that say about him?

    Nargis, with her actions the entire community  (except your husband) will exclude her, all she will have is the support from him, shes ostracised herself for the sake of a man, thats very sad and pathetic. 

    If you turn all your focus on Allah, you’ll feel better in time. You’ll reach a point where you dont care about them and what they do. If your husband treats you badly by avoiding you and not being supportive your love for him will die and you’ll feel indifferent towards him, you wont care if you divorce or not. The only way a man can keep an independant woman in polygamy is if he is good to her. We get strong enough to walk away. Polygamy really makes you see what kind of man your married to.¬†

    An important thing to try and make your husband understand is women can be masters of manipulation, only good women stop themselves from doing it. Most women know how to get there own way in a marrige and a lot of men cant see it. It frustrates the life out of a co wife when shes see the other doing it and the husband cant see it. And if we point it out the husband thinks were the bad person. It can make you sick when u see them crying and whiney saying “shes being mean to me, im trying to be nice”. I had to tell my husband a number of times hes being tricked, when he denyed it, I just said “you’ll see” and he did, in the end. If you dont want to push him away, just accept when he does something nice. Men dont like their efforts to be rejected. It’ll keep him happy with you while you heal.¬†

    Id stick around and use it as an opportunity to be a better muslim. In the mean time let them have their honeymoon period, sooner or later its gonna get real, by that time you’ll be strong enough to either live polygamy and watch them struggle to keep a marriage together or walk away and leave them in the mess they made.¬†

     id also let her know, you know what shes doing, and to shove her sorry where the sun dont shine. 

    I know its very hard, but if you are going to discuss important matters dont cry, men dont listen to emotional women. They panick, and cant concentrate on the issue at hand. 

  • Nargis

    January 6, 2017

    Salam all

    He has also said that he will not force me to stay as he does not want me to force myself to be miserable in this situation but that he hopes that i will not leave and he loves me and the kids. 

    He says he will continue to help out financially with the house and kids so I dont have to worry about all that and not stay only because I dont have a choice.

    He is wonderful in all aspects. Very respectful to me. He still shows the glimpse of my old husband but it kills me that he is not mine anymore. 

    He hurt and betrayed me. He sides with her now. He thinks more about her now as he feels she is being sidelined. 

    But why do I still love him after all this? My heart breaks even thinking about leaving him so I know its not for financial security to stay married. 

    I know I can never forgive her. But to make my husband happy should I pretend to be OK and pretend to be friends with her till I can in my heart genuinely forgive her?

    Anybody here who divorced the husband and found peace ? Just to get to hear another side. I am burning inside everyday and wonder if its going to be like this for the rest of my life?

     

     

  • Nargis

    January 6, 2017

    Salamailkum dear ladies,

    I am overwhelmed with the warm response. 

    I was feeling so low yesterday and weeping my eyes and heart out. 

    Ana, she did become distant to me last couple of weeks before  I found out. But I didnt think much of it. Also, you are right. I did share a lot of stuff related to my marriage and children, our problems etc and I cant fathom how she listened with a straight face and not feel ashamed. 

    Truth to be told, my husband is a wonderful man. That is why its so hard  to fathom how and why he did this. 

    To answera a query, we shared a wonderful marriage and he was a wonderful husband in all ways. But we did experience distance and miscommunication the past one year. I now realize its becauce of the secret Nikah to her. He says he was feeling very guilty lying to me and that affected the marriage.

    I did think about divorce but what is the use when I still love him so much. I will anyway be miserable without him. 

     

    Now to the other part of the story . She was very apologetic in the beginning. Trying to be accomodating in govi g me time to try and accept the situation. But now she is changing before my eyes. She is slowly trying to turn my husband against me. She cries to him and says I dont respect her sin e I dint want to meet her and I want to keep away from her and I dint want my kids to meet her. 

    Where mu husband was so patient and kind in the beginning I see him changing too. He says that I need to accept the situation as its happened and he cant do anything to change it.  Fair enough. But I feel he takes her side and fights with me way more often now. 

    He says she being very respectful to me but since I am keeping my kids waya from her I am being mean. His parents are being supportive to me aand have not met her yet. They want me to be OK before they meet her and accept her. She feels this is me being rude and putting down her respect as she deserves to meet her in laws amd I am stoppi g that from happening. Fair enough. But all I asked for is a little more time. To get used to the situation. She says she is being denied she already has my husband. She says I am treating her luke another woman(mistress) by not accepting her Why is she trying to create problems between my husband and me?

    More importantly why is he falling for her act. He was sooo rude and mean to me the whole of last month. I was even more miserable than before. I just need his support. Problem is everytime I tey to talk to him I either break down in tears or start asking 1000 questions about her and him which I knownI ahouldnt ask as it just hurts me more. He says he is stressed with the situation. But not talking to me and spending as less time with me as possible is not the way to treat me now.

    I am just rambling and typing this on my phone so pls excuse the spelling mistakes. I am not in my senses.

    I just want to feel numb now. I am tired of feeling miserable. I want to stop knowing what they are uptom i want to stop thinking about them together. How do I do that. I want ti just concentrate on him and me but I cant.. I am driving him away.

    I apologize if I sound crazy or self xentred. Pls help me deal with this. Thank u all.

    Khudahafiz

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Nargis,

    I know we’ve given you a lot of information to digest. I hope we haven’t overwhelmed you with the posts. You should probably take some notes or jot down the date of the post and the person who posted it so that you could re-read it or whatever other way you use to have the material at your fingertips.

    One very good thing is that you know that you want to remain married to your husband. You love him and all indication is that he still loves you, as well. It helps to relieve the burden of trying to figure out what to do in that regard. Alhumdulliah! I think it’s probably a good thing.

    The rest about getting over the jealousy and feeling insecure come with getting your life right with Allah as the other ladies on the blog stated. There is no quick fix that will make it happen. Only Allah can do that for you. He is the One who heals and he says that he has given us the Quran to do that. It’s time for you to start worshiping Allah properly to get the healing that you need. It’s not just for healing your feelings that you have since your husband married another, but it’s for you to have a good life on this planet and in the Hereafter (Paradise).

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Nargis,

    To add to the questions that Serena asked you, looking back over the year that your husband and your best friend have been married, did you ever suspect that something was different about the friendship? For instance, did you and she become more distant or did she continue to be up close and personal with you, while continuing to extract personal information from you?

    If she was distancing herself, it may indicate that she had a conscience and cared about what she was doing. If she stayed close to you, it would indication more deception and trickery. It could give you an indication of what you are dealing with in terms of her intentions.

  • Serena

    January 5, 2017

    Ana

    You welcome. Was wondering why it was there. Anyway thanks for moving them.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Nargis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I, too, would like to welcome you to the blog ūüôā First of all, I thank all the ladies for commenting to you in an effort to help you.

    Your situation is a bit unique in that it’s not only a matter of your husband having a secret wife, but that he went behind your back and wedded your best friend. That has to be like the ultimate betrayal. I can’t begin to be able to imagine how that feels and what I would do. I thank Allah that I don’t have to. The behavior that the person who used to be your best friend exhibited is an issue separate from polygamy entirely. Betrayal like that from a best friend can stand on it’s own. Polygamy is a separate matter. You’ve been given a double whammy, and it’s a huge blow.

    With regard to him wanting the two of you to be friends, politely let him know to get out of your face with that talk. He’s trying to force way too much on you. There is no need for you to be friends with her any longer. She has shown you her true colors. She has shown you who she is. As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I see no way that you and she could resume a friendship. She was not a friend to you at all. Friends don’t do that to one another. She was all about SELF.

    I assume that you and she did what friends do. You confided in one another. Probably you shared intimate information with her about you and your husband and the children. You probably shared about your ups and downs and the ins and outs of your marriage. For her to then go off and marry him armed with all that information must have hurt you badly. She may have used your weaknesses that you disclosed to her to strengthen her marriage to him.

    There is no going back for you and her in terms of what you perceived your friendship was. Now that she has married him, he is her best friend the same as he was/is? your best friend. When the variables change, things change. You have loyalty to your husband and she has loyalty to her husband. Since your and her husband are the same, I can’t see you and she having any type of loyalty to each other any longer, if there ever was any on her part.

    I say to you to try to find a way to forgive her, which will take you getting help from Allah to do. Forgive her, but don’t befriend her. I say forgive her because it’s what Allah tells us to do. He tells us to forgive even when we are angry. For now, let him and her do their thing (marriage) and don’t be a part of his and her life. Keep your distance from her. Keep your marriage separate from her.

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    sorry, angry SA. In regards to this part of your post “why me, why now, why did my husband do this to me” I had the same questions and these are the answers. Why me? Because Allah tests the believers. Why now? Because thats the time Allah willed for my husband to marry and for me to find out. Why did my husband do this to me? Because Allah willed him to do it, if he (anyones husband) did anything wrong he will account to Allah for it.¬†

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Also angry sa. Its not the secret or betrayal nargis needs to accept, its the decree of Allah she needs to accept. If you read one of my other comments you’ll see what I think of lying husbands. But Ana and others are right, we need to focus on how to feel better, not the wrong that was done to us. We know the difference between right and wrong, now we need to deal with it.¬†

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Ana

    Its just the way I feel. You’re right, its your blog, your rules. I actully didnt notice you stopped advertising that material till now. Ma shaa Allaah.¬†

    Angry sa

    I dont think betrayal is ok nor lying etc. What I do know is holding on to negative feelings is no good for you,especially if you are having to live with the person who lied and betrayed you. We have to let go to have peace in our hearts, not because the other person was right in what they did or deserve forgiveness. 

    I know your still angry with your husband but not all husbands are the same. My husband was and still is patient with me, even after all these years. Nargis said she loves her husband, she has 3 children who love their father. if she stays angry at him she’ll remain in pain. I dont want that for her. Even if she leaves the marriage, she still needs to let go of the pain, its only going to hurt her. People think that of you dont forgive and remain upset that it somehow harms the one who did it, it doesn’t.¬†

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Concerned,

    Furthermore, I’m very disappointed in you that you could say I’m competing for sales when this FREE blog will be in existence for eight (8) years next month (in February). In the eight years the most I’ve gotten was two ten dollar donation ($20.00) from a brother-in-faith who suggested that I put a donate button on the blog. When I put the button on the blog, I got criticized negtively for it.¬† So, I took it down.

    You have a lot of audacity to insinuate that it’s all about the money when the blog has been here for eight years for FREE and my book has only been on the market for (7) months. Yet, you can come out of your face and say that I don’t want to help people, but want to compete for sales. SMH. That’s really jacked up.

  • Angry SA

    January 5, 2017

    Concerned

    Your reply to nargis really angered me and I’m speechless. I really don’t know on what planet your are and you come across as someone that has a heart of stone with no feeling and have been brained washed believing that betrayal is okay¬†

    Please do take note we all humans with feeling and what happened to nargis She has a million questions going thru her mind WHY HER WHY NOW she is looking for clarity and trying to make sense why her husband did what he did

    Please also don’t say the husband and must be patient with her because he will for a few weeks and that goes out by the back door when he is tired of giving patience

    IT took me a year to realise that I won’t accept my husband secret marriage his betrayal I can’t forget yes u had to forgive him to move on with my life

    Nargis all I can say is take one day at a time only you can accept it or not. I know you hurting and I still hurt but trust Allah as Allah plan is better and yes their is a reason why it happened to us……..

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Look concerned, if you look at the rules and regulations, In the rules and regulations, I’ve indicated that I can remove links from posts. Furthermore, I’ve indicated that there is no free advertising on this blog. There is a lot of monetary expense that goes into running this blog. In fact, that shield that’s at the bottom that shows the blog is safe with regard to security, it costs money, as well as all the fees that I spelled out in a recent post. There is no one paying to advertise on this blog. All the expenses come out of my pocket. No one comes to this blog asking me if they could set up paid advertising here. But it’s easy for others to come here and try to advertise for them. I’m sorry if you think I’m not helping women because I won’t promote other people’s material.

    If anyone is looking for a good book to read about polygamy, they could find it the same way people find my book. Not allowing people to advertise for others on this blog is not out of line. You think the other book could help her. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for letting me know that Nargis’s post was on the wrong thread. I didn’t notice it as I was reading them on my phone. I’ve moved them over here.

    Good looking out https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifI appreciate it much!

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Oh Ana come on, are you really going to edit out material that could help a woman who is experiencing an enoumous amout of pain. I thought you wanted to help women not compete for sales. Im very disappointed. I hope you’ll change that decision in shaa Allaah.¬†

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Ana,

    It wasn’t at all like that. I was thinking most men aren’t too much into reading about women and their emotions. In the xxxxxxxx book theres a section where ut point out the feelings, manifestations and time frames. I thought it might be easier for him to digest. Also, your book in based on a true story and I wanted nargis husband to understand the feelings are real, brutal and raw, he needs to understand these feelings aren’t ¬†based on true feelings they ARE true feelings. With your book, once you’ve experienced polygamy you can relate and understand the stuggle of anastasia, if you haven’t it could be passed of as a good book but not true to life. My husband wouldnt have taken a fictional novel as the truth,for him it had to be cold hard facts. sorry if you felt that way and that was what I was trying to do. It was not my intention to make you feel a way or pass over your book. I was only trying to help nargis.¬†

  • Serena

    January 5, 2017

    Salam Ana

    Is there anyway Nargis post can be posted here on January discussions.  I posted replies if they can be moved too. 

    Concerned

    My replies to Nargis are similar to your reply to her. We thinking along same lines! 

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Concern,

    Oh, I see. Pass over my book that I’ve written about polygamy to help women and men get a better understanding of the subject, and you promote another book about polygamy on my blog? I see where you’re coming from.

  • Serena

    January 5, 2017

    Salam

    Nargis I read your post again and would like to add a few more points. 

    You are emotionally having to deal with alot. You feel your husband betrayed you and also your friend betrayed you. Him telling you they been married a year. They both kept it hidden from you. How was your friend with you during that time? 

    I would suggest take a step at a time. First get used to and accept the fact your husband has another wife.  See how it goes before becoming all friends and living happily.  Tell your husband you need time and inshaAllah you will bw able to all friends again. Your husband should understand just like he took his time telling you, you also need time.

    Nargis as you have children and you and your husband love each other don’t give up on your marriage especially if he is not neglecting his duties as a husband and father.¬†

    Sister you will have all sorts of questions like wasn’t you good enough for him and like you said why couldn’t he be happy with just you. Some questions are better left unanswered. Shaytan likes to see people sad so will whisper all sorts to you. Seek refuge from the Shaytan. ¬†

    Ask Allah to help you overcome the feelings of jealousy.I am not saying it’s right that your husband hid his other marriage but it could be because he was afraid of how you would react. You feel you are pushing him away maybe he feared the consequences. ¬†

    Sister remember Allah is in charge of our affairs. ¬†This could be a test/trail for you so be patient. The hard times will pass inshaAllah. Don’t let shaytan win.Focus on getting close to Allah. Love Allah more than anyone or thing.

  • Serena

    January 5, 2017

    Walaikumsalam

    Welcome Nargis

    You are heartbroken for a number of reasons and you will nwwx to tackle each reason and inshaAllah move towards healing your broken heart. Remember Allah had planned their marriage so nothing can change that. Just like you were destined to marry him so was she. Allah says there is ease after difficulty so let the words of Allah (the quran) heal your heart. Turn to Allah and make plenty of dua so Allah helps you get over this pain.

    You probably will have a trust issue with your husband as you said he lied to you. Did you ever ask him if he had got married again and he denied it? You feel betrayed as you probably think he should have told you when he got married or when he thought about getting married again.

    I don’t know how you feel about your friend anymore as she went behind your back and married your husband. I would question her loyalty as a friend. I would also have alsorts of questions that I would want answers too.

    Nargis you said you love your husband so you need to look beyond what he has done and foegive him so that you can move on. Talk with your husband ask him why he felt he has to hide the marriage from you. Explain how you feel and how you want to move forward by accepting his other marriage.

    There ia one important thing I want to ask did you notice any change in his behaviour towards you since he got married again? Was everything normal between you and him even though he had another wife? If his second marriage did not have any negative effects on your marriage and you love your husbamd than inahaAllah Nargis you and him can work this out.

    Remember and thank Allah much and ask Allah for His help.

  • Concerned

    January 5, 2017

    Nargis

    Im glad you’ve found this blog, AlHamdulilah. My heart is breaking for you, its hard to read a womans first post on here when shes in pain. First things first you need to accept that everything that has happend in your situation was willed by Allah, it was written that it would go down they way it did. Secondly, no one can change what has already past, its an impossibility. In answer to you question,if you can find at least a little peace if you leave your husband. Simply, yes in shaa Allaah BUT you can also find peace IN polygamy in shaa Allaah. The only way one finds true peace is in turning to Allah and doing all the things that are commanded of us and staying away from all yhe things that have been forbidden to us. Its a stuggle but it doable. The harder the test, the bigger the reward (if done for the reward)¬†

    You said your husband didnt want to lie anymore,that he loves you. If you intend to get up out of the marriage chances are he’ll do what he needs to keep you. BUT, he’ll be unhappy that he didnt get to be with the two women he loves, it’ll still be hard for you to forgive him and get over the betrayal no matter what you intend to do. All signs point to ‘turn to Allah’ ask Him to ease your pain,perform all your prayers, sit in dhikr, fast etc. Spend your leasure time with pro polygamy, knowledgeable sisters. And cry, its ok to cry. Its easy for people to say dont be sad, it only dunya, but we are human and we are completely reliant on Allah. Only He can mend us and put the pieces of a broken heart back together.¬†

    Imo, the friendship between you and the other sister is lost for the time being, I wouldn’t even waste my time on trying to mend that, just yet. First focus on Allah, let your husband know that he has hurt you and its going to take an effort on your side and patience and understanding on his side. I dont know what kind of man he is, but it might do him good to read xxxxxxxxxxx to better understand the hurdles and feeling your facing and are about to face (you should read it too)¬†

    I found it easier to break down polygamy into parts,thinking, dealing or communicating with my co was last on the list. Priority, was feeling better and keeping my marriage together. 

    I know it hurts, I know it seem theres no way out from the pain, but it can get better, you can feel better. Were here for you. 

  • Serena

    January 5, 2017

    Salam

    Crystal

    Alhamdulillah things are ok with you and husband. Ana’s advice was good and I can’t really add to it. ¬†I did want to ask of your husband realises she being manipulative and if he is doing something about it? Like Ana said she will end up getting hurt with what she’s doing to you.

    AngrySA

    Sister you are alhumdulillah that you realised about your husband’s secret marriages. Allah revealed to you what he was trying to hide and you seen his mum etc true colours. Hope Allah helps you every step of the way with whatever you do next.¬†

  • Nargis

    January 5, 2017

    Salamalikum 

    Dear ladies,

    I am writing here for the first time l. I am in desperate need of help and advice. 

    My husband secretly got married one year back and to a very good friend of mine. He didnt want to liw to me anymore ao he told me the truth almost 5 months back. 

    As you all can imagine how heartbroken I am. I am not able to get past this. I have been trying so hard these past few months to get past the hurt and betrayal and jealousy and insecurity. 

    I am trying to accept this marriage and move ahead as my husband says he loves me but he loves her as well and wants us to try and be friends like before so we can live like a family. Seperately but happy together. 

    I am unable to deal with my feelings of jealousy and insecurity and I feel as a result I am pushing him further from me and more towards her.

    I love him too much to leave him and with 3 kids who love him its an impossable thought for me.

    He says he loves me too. I want him to be happy but wjy cant he ve happy only with me?

    I am unable to move on with my life. I feel so unhappy and depressed daily 

    I want to make him happy but also be happy myself. Pls help me find peace in this situation.

    Khudahafiz.

  • anabellah

    January 5, 2017

    Crystal, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The amount of information that you share with us about yourself is perfectly okay ūüôā I ask everyone only to share as much as they are comfortable with and especially not to share too much that would allow evil people who want to PLAY detective to go looking for info to put together as in a puzzle, piecing together who a person really is.

    About not being comfortable writing on a blog yet. I get it. I remember how I felt over eight years ago when I first started writing on a blog. It wasn’t my own blog either. It was awkward indeed. I thought and felt that people knew who I was. It was crazy. It’s quite easy for me now to write on a blog, as you can see. It that I just don’t have time to write on other blogs, especially while being on social media a tidbit.

    Crystal, it’s good that your husband doesn’t talk to you much about her, only what is necessary. I think it’s best that way, unless the wives are friend with each other. I think only wives who are all believers who are on the same page can really hit it off nicely together and then too, they’d have to be careful.

    You’re doing so good in not retaliating against her for her being manipulative. It’s best not to engage in those games. It would take you no where that is good, fast. It can work against you. Let her play her games and try to manipulate the situations. You know that Allah is in control and He calls the shots. He’s the one who decides EVERYTHING. Her thinking that she makes things happens will only hurt her in a huge way. You should continue to play it smart and leave everything in Allah’s hand. A lot of wives had to learn things the hard way, not having others who lived polygamy helping them along the way.

    I pray the best for you, Crystal

  • Crystal

    January 5, 2017

    Wa Alaikum Salaam Anabella

    To be honest my husband prefers not to discuss the wives with each other, which i think is a healthy approach. At some stage I felt like i wanted to know more but i’ve realised the least I know the better. We do discuss general family matters and i prefer to keep it general. i dont want her name to come up more than it should as i want our marriage to be about us & i get sick hearing about her too much

    i know i havent opened up that much & i think its because i’ve never chatted on a blog before so this is unfimiliar territory to me. Inshalah as we go along and I feel more comfortable I will disclose more. For now Alhamdulillah things are okay between us.

    One issue i find with the co-wife is that she has the tendecy to always make sure she comes into our space when something important needs to be done in our marriage 

    I feel i give her / them the space they require when the same applies but she makes sure to cramp my space when ever she can if not with her personally then with the kids, who by the way are all adults

    presently we live in different states so to speak & hubby is going to be spending time with her soon and will commute to see me, we’ve done this before so his stayed with each of us and commuted monthly for instance for a weekend to be with the wife his not residing with. We’ve also spent time with him in the same area and he split his time equally between us then. This is just circumstances due to his work and me needing to work for a short period only Inshalah

    When ever he needs to be with me or leave to be with her etc she makes sure that she comes to be with ‘us’ so that i dont get the last few days or nights alone with him I know its her right too but i see this behaviour as selfish as she knows he’ll be joining her now so why travel especially for the last week that we could have exclusively ?

    i leave it to Allah to make things easier on us all and i pray i dont ever become manipulative, even though i’ve had plenty thoughts of how to manipulate Alhamdulillah its not in my nature but sadly my co wife is a master at this !

    Allah knows best 

    Jazakallah 

     

     

  • Angry SA

    January 5, 2017

    As Salaamu alaikum Anabellah

     

    Maaf i missed this email from you and yes your words are noted.

    I will move forward without him Insha Allah

    Salaams

     

  • Angry SA

    January 5, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum Anabellah

    I have been following Gail’s story and i’m truly happy for her. She has a heart of gold to accept and forgive.

    My husband divorced his first wife and went out to remarry secretly again. I don’t think i will ever forgive or let his family back into my life again. they thought nothing of me when they made arrangements knowing full well that my husband would never be able to support his secret wife he kept hidden from me ¬†

    I don’t trust his family. they did this to me and they will do it to her as well.¬†

    So he must go back to Pakistan and be a proper husband to her and a good Son to his sweat mother. His mother made sure his a father but dont live up to his role; there his child is year old and has never seen him physically, giving money makes him a father so what does that tell you about my husband?

    This hole thing is so messed and i cant see a future with him or his family. i have cut ties with all of them and told him i never want to hear anything about them

    Shukraan for the site you created i so wish many foreigner could know about your site before they make stupid mistakes before they get married to any Pakistani

    One of the worst things is that you cant even find out their marriage status in Pakistan because NADAR don’t register marriages. SAD

    But anyway thank you for the advise i ave learnt a lot as well

     

     

  • Angry SA

    January 5, 2017

    Aslamu alaykkum Saira

    Shukraan for your kind words and must say that it took a lot of courage for me to tell my story. i feel guilty letting all out that i somehow disappointed my husband in someway as you know everything must be kept a secret.

    Yes the word ATM i have heard this many times from his Pakistani friends but they would say i’m his cheque book. It is funny how love and sweet talk can blind a person

    But i would like you to know that i am much stronger this time to walk away. My husband know him going back home soon will be the end of us. i will not support him or his family

    You know what really hurts is that his family knew about me we use to Skype his mother regularly and they chose to cover up his secret for a full nine months because he did not want to lose me. if only they included me in the decision i would have accepted this

    But my heart needs to listen to mind and end this marriage. i am so ready to walk away…..

    Jazakallah   

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    @All in cyberspace,

    Please note that what we speak of is not typical of ALL Pakistani males, not by a long shot. I want to make that perfectly clear.

    We only speak here based on the stories that have been shared by many non-Pakistani women mostly who live in the West and hook up with Pakistani men. Those men are looking for citizenship and better lives for their family at expense of USING the foreign women to get it. It’s not about them all working as a family for the benefit of each other. It’s not about them living Islam together. It’s about taking and getting all that they can and not having a sincere care or concern about the person. Just as soon as the men can, they high tail it out of there (the marriage to the foreigner). They get in the wind.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    Sister Saira, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You wrote a very special, touching, and heartfelt post to Angry SA. I felt that you meant every word from your heart. Arzoo does the same as well. She, too, is our Pakistani Sister who writes here every now and again. Sister Gail who is married to a Pakistani male, but is American helps out, as well; although she has gotten here in a while. It turned out that Gail’s husband divorced his Pakistani cousin wife. Gail’s husband and his parents live here in the States with her. In fact, they have the ex-co-wife’s children by her husband. They are here in the States with Gail and her husband.

     

  • Saira

    January 4, 2017

    Aslamu alakykum sister angry SA

    sorry sister one of my brother from my nation ruined your life I am truly sorry 

    I am a Pakistani as well and if my brother did or think to do what u been tru I would cut all ties vd my brother as well.

    your story is so common but I use to hear other way round when I use to live back home 

    many of my neighbours or far away relitives done that to white women and only few of them I seen still married but almost all of them did or tried to marry in Pakistan and one way another Atlest one of wife is hanging in this coz of coward and greedy man they married 

    I am Pakistani but in my previous marrige I face many of things you facing but Allah took me. Out of that situation but I must say its like addiction once you in this you always think you might do this and things change and if you do that’s things might work out¬†

    it is very easy to say to leave this situation and run but it’s not easy to do¬†

    when you help your love once and you see how u made them happy then it’s like addiction you always try to buy your happiness vd doing good deed to the person who deserve not even your hate .

    your story bring tears in my eyes and brought many things in my mind and made me feel like go and help people like you .

    your husband unlikely divorce you as he will want to keep using you as ATM machine and body guard from many things 

    he despretlly want to have soo much money but he gets what he earn for 

    if he wins a lottery today and becom million air I don’t think he will even buy you flowers but instead will divorce you¬†

    you suffering my sister keep making dua

    in Sha Allah Allah will not waste your deeds he will have batter plan for you 

    chin up sister and make neeya and stop feeding the sneak 

    trust me sister your story is nothing new in Pakistani Indian back ground 

    and you know what in Pakistan his parents probably tag you for many things as you EngLASH 

    sister am here if you need any help let Ann know I can try to help you 

    as I got family and friends back home 

    May Allah be your protector Ameen 

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    Polygamy is a new concept for most women, regardless of what number they married their husband in. They all will have issues with it ‚Äď some issues are the same and some are different. Nonetheless, they all will definitely have some issues, no doubt.

    It‚Äôs all about how she goes about dealing with the problems that arise. Having pity parties or wallowing in grief and sadness won’t help.

    We have to be with like minded people. Positivity breeds postivity and negativity breeds negativity.

    We have to learn how to keep our lives moving in a positive direction. When we falter, we need to know how to get up, dust ourselves off and keep it moving (forward)

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    Crystal, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Do you and your husband talk much about his other and their children? I ask because it’s probably almost impossible for you and him to settle into just the two of you, if he’s spending a good time with you talking about them when he’s not even with them.

    Sometimes it not easy to stop doing that, I suppose, if the relationship began with the husband having a sounding board in one wife to vent to about his day to day with his other family. It’s why I was wondering about how you to relate to him in that area.

    It may get to the point that you ask him to spend quality time with you not conversing about her and them so that you can adjust better to the situation. Unless, of course, you want to know what’s going on in their lives, you’d continue to listen. I don’t know what it is with you and him.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    I meant to say, don’t take lightly what the woman who he gave the talaq said to you – that he would divorce you. You don’t know what he had told her about his marriage to you and the purpose of it.

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    Angry SA, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome to the blog family ūüôā

    You said you’ve been reading the blog for a while, so you probably know that what you described of your situation is not unusual at all. You sound to know what is going on in your marriage.

    Thank you for sharing to give us a good idea of what seems to be going on with you. When you mentioned that your husband said his mother is dying, it reminded me of another writer who was here. She said her husband’s other wife and children in Pakistan had called him who was living in the US and said his mother not only was dying, but had died. They did it in an effort to get him to come home to Pakistan. His mother had not died.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t take lightly what the wife whom he gave a talaq said to you. He may very well divorce you the same as he did her. He may very well be waiting for the two years to be up so that he could divorce you and bring his family to SA to live. It could very well be why he gave the other wife a talaq because she disobeyed him and almost jeopardized his livelihood.

    Anyway that you look at what is happening in your life, it doesn’t appear that he has good intention with regard to you. It seems he’s doing what typical Pakistani men do with foreign women and is playing you. He sees you as his meal ticket. You’re a bank to get him and his family back home a better life. It probably wouldn’t matter if you have five male kids by him or can’t have any. It’s not a matter of polygamy that you’re dealing with. It’s not about Islam for him. It’s about culture, the Pakistani way of life that reigns supreme for them.

    So, what do you do? Well, you could continue in agony and wait for the two years to come for him to drop you like a hot potato. The writing is on the wall. You said he right now, to date, emotionally, mentally and financially abuses you. I tend to doubt it would go from that to getting better after the two years are up.

    Do you think and feel that you owe him to take care of him as you can’t have children for him? What are you thinking in terms of taking care of him, his mother and his other wife? If you think he will love you more by doing so, you are mistaken. Money can’t buy you love. He says he’ll spend more time with you than his other wife and will love you more than the hand picked one. How will he do that if he has divorced you? Furthermore, Allah puts love in the heart. He determined who a person will love and not love. It’s something humans can’t do.

    To suggest that you stop paying and see what happens wouldn’t solve anything because he needs you for two more years. There is no reason for him to leave you now despite what you do as you have the leverage to keep him there with the two year jail term that he has to do.

    Angry SA, I think you’re doing good in waking up every morning and asking Allah to end your (nightmare of a ) marriage. You’re doing what Allah says by taking your complaint to Him. Allah could very well be testing you in this situation. He says, seek His help with patience, perseverance and prayer. He says only the humbly submissive to Him can do it.

    If you find yourself being able to pick up and move out or boot him out and stop spending your money on him, Alhumdulliah. I think it would be a wonderful thing. You’re not feeling stuck like so many women out there who have children and think and feel they can’t leave the miserable marriage because they need the husband’s support. The only thing holding you there is Allah.

    Allah could free you of that situation. You need to make sure that you’re doing your part. Waking up in the morning and praying is good, but it’s not good enough. Make sure you serve and worship Allah the way that He instructs us to. It means offer your five prescribed prayers EVERY day. Read as much of the Quran as is easy for you. At least make your intent to read an ayah, two or three. Remember Allah and not all the other things that clutter your mind.

    There is so much to worshiping Allah. A lot of it has to do with having the proper belief in him and what He says. It’s believing all that Allah says in the Holy Quran and ACTING on it.

    Insha Allah, He’ll give you a way out of that marriage.

  • Crystal

    January 4, 2017

    Wa Alaikum Salaam & Jazakallah Anabella 

    I make Dua that Allah Taala will guide me to make the effort to do whats correct Inshalah. 

    To Umm of2 Jazakallah to you too for your support & advice. To answer you it is early days. Im in this polygamous marriage for just over two years now. To be honest i cant wait to get to the stage where our marriage is about us & not his family and for me to feel secure about myself and to get past these feelings of jealousy Inshalah.

    Alhamdulillah i’m making some small changes & doing my best to keep the chatter box in my head positive as best as I can.

    To our Angry sister from SA : right now i dont have much advice to give you. My heart goes out to you & I make Dua that Allah Taala makes your way easy for you Inshalah

    and for all of us Inshalah

  • Angry SA

    January 4, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum all

    It’s been a while that i have been reading the discussions and must say this is painful what men does to woman. I wish i came across this site 8 years ago before i married my Pakistani Husband.

    I am a SA and married to a Pakistani; yeah sweet charming and i always said he was different from his friends only later to find out that he was worse than them

    I got married 8 years ago and after my husband being in SA 5 years before we got married he could not visit his family because he did not proper paper work to come back to this country and yes did all the paper work which took years in order for him to fly to Pakistan and back to SA. What an awesome feeling that was that I had a hand reuniting him with his family. He stayed for three months and returned with a strange behaviour having secret calls in his language which was silly because I did not understand language. 10 months later behold his wife called me asking me who I am as she was his wife of 7 years. I was devastated and was shocked that my husband later gave her talaaq which I did not ask. I really was so sad for this woman and the only confirmation I had that my husband was not married is he sister confirming how happy she is that he final found someone he could settled down with. I begged his wife to maaf me and told her that was the only proof I had because that was the first thing I asked my husband if he was married in Pakistan.  His ex-wife warned me that he would in years to come do it to me as well. I was truly sadden that I was the cause of her marriage break-up but I think she knew better than me. We were at this point only married for two years when I found out about wife number one.

    I took years for me trust my husband again and he always promised that he loved me and that he will never marry again. One important fact I would like to mention I cannot have children due to an operation that went terribly wrong and this was a worrying fact for me because he was the only Boy and his family were in time to come put pressure on him to marry. He promised me that if something like this happens I would be the first he would speak and we would discuss it. I mean he would only go to Pakistan every two years and he would be more with me than with the woman his family would pick. I could live with that.

    7 years into our marriage and yes he has permanent residence now which I can revoke seeing that he still has two years to maintain good spousal conduct with me. He went to Pakistan to get his family property in order because of his father’s death. I had to make loans to assist him and little did I know that the loans I made was him planning a secret marriage again. I must say it was a well-kept secret until I came across a picture of a baby photo sent to him. I asked him whose child it was and with a smile on his face he denied his child and said it was sister’s child. Later he confessed that his mother forced him to marry a woman she selected. He said she was very sick and that’s why he agreed to please her. To think that when he came back I had to support his new wife I knew nothing about saying it for medication for his dying mother. HIS MOTHER KEEPS DYING BUT NEVER DIES……

    I feel used and his betrayal has devastated me much that I can’t and never will accept this marriage like he says he was forced into. The sad thing is that he can’t even support me I am very independent. My husband has got my mind so messed upped that I can’t make it without him yet I am the one supporting him and his dying mother and new wife. Crazy yeah im messed up believing that. He can’t hold down a job for longer than 5 months at the most because he always has some crazy scheme to make more money and we end losing much more. (my investments always) Every time he goes to Pakistan it sets us back 10 month each time and me the fool supports him.

    I have come to the realization that I don’t want to be married to him any longer I have since tried to accept his secret marriage but it’s hard and don’t want to be part of his sick mentality any longer. He financially; mentally and emotionally abuses me but this has to end. He won’t talaaq me because he needs me for some other scheme or to help him financially when he goes to meet his child for the first since he was born a year ago.

    I know some of you will say what comes around goes around but I would like to tell you I was married before to SA Muslim and my late husband who died in a car accident cheated on me with several woman early in my marriage and this I vowed I will would do to another woman because the pain is truly unbearable. I was single for many years because I did not trust men just to fall in love with a psychopath who lied and lied and just can’t stop even up until today

    Is it wrong for me to end my marriage after I forgave my husband? Every morning for the past two months when I wake up this first thing I say is Ya Allah I hate this man please end this thing that’s called a marriage!!!!

    Jazakallah for reading

  • anabellah

    January 4, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I want to thank all who welcomed Crystal ūüôā

    Crystal,

    The sisters gave you the best advice. We could know what we’re suppose to do, which we all agree is easier said than done.

    Knowing what to do and not acting on it yields no results. In fact, we could be held to a higher standard than those who don’t know. To know and disregard what Allah says is worse.

    I was just reading an ayah in the Quran the other morning about those who disregard His sign (surah 20, ayah 126). The entire Quran is full of stories about how people rejected Allah’s signs and what the outcome was for them.

    If we know Satan is a sworn enemy to us and we continue to listen to him then we suffer the consequences. You indicated you know what to do. We know what to do. Now we must make our sincere intention to do it and turn to Allah so He could make it happen.

  • Umm of2

    January 3, 2017

    I meant to say better said than done. 

  • Umm of2

    January 3, 2017

    Crystal welcome sister. May I ask how long have you been in a polygamous marriage? It sounds to be the beginning stages. I’m a second wife too and wanted to let you know the jealousy part is a phase and it will pass the more and more you remember Allah. There’s a blessing in every test and a test in every blessing. Search for those blessings everyday even if some days you have to look a little harder. Try your best not to let negative feelings consume you. Try to focus on your marriage with your husband and not put too much energy comparing your marriage. Well don’t put any energy not an ounce. We know it’s extremely difficult done than said but many of us here are living proof it’s quite possible to overcome anything in life as long as we remember Allah and do what He told us to do. Worship Him in the best ways. And crush the whispers of shaitan as they come

  • Crystal

    January 3, 2017

    jazakallah for the good advice sister Serena a Its time I put some of it in practice Inshalah

  • Serena

    January 3, 2017

    Walaikum asalam Crystal

    Alhumdillah you seem to be on the right thinking track. You realise that feeling jealous entertains shaytan. Don’t let these feelings consume you. I know it’s easier said than done but inshaAllah you can overcome the intense feelings of jealously. When you have them feelings remember all the good that you’re husband does for you. Thank Allah much for your blessings. Try to do something to distract your negative thoughts like reading quran. You can use that time to plan things that you will do when your husband is with you.

    Allah had already decreed your marriage to your husband and the outcome of your marriage. You said your husband aims to be fair. I don’t know how long you been married to him but his first family might also be feeling that he spends more time with you or they might feel neglected. Its understandable that there will be times when he has to be there for his children. His first family may still be adjusting to the situation so be patient and remember with difficulty comes ease.

    Crystal you understand that you need to get hold of your negative emotions. Ask Allah to help you as Allah’s help is always near.

    When it’s your time with your husband make the most of it. Seek refuge from shaytan and enjoy your time together. Thank Allah when he is with you and even when he is not with you still thank Allah for your marriage. Show Allah appreciation and gratitude. InshaAllah negative feelings will go even though it seems difficult now. Stay postive and think positive.¬†

    Crystal I wish I could be of further help. Keep writing on the blog inshaAllah the sisters will give you better advice especially those who have been through what you are feeling and how they manage.

    Sometimes just knowing that you are not the first to feel like that and others have been through it amd some may be really struggling should help you realise it’s not just you in this situation and make you more thankful to Allah that you have understanding that you being sad only entertains shaytan.

     

  • Crystal

    January 3, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum

    Thank you Anabella & Tunis for your warm welcome, appreciated

    I’m battling presently as I have these intense feelings of jealousy I know that this is not our way and Shaytaan is the only one enjoying the sadness i’m experiencing, still these feelings are consuming me presently. My husband aims to be fair Alhamdulillah so i cannot fault him there. I simply feel that more of his attention & time is for the first family & i understand that as we dont have any kids together. Whilst i understand this dynamic emotionally i feel like i’m not coping!

    Allah knows best. I love him dearly but somedays despise being in this situation. Im scared of being bitter. I want to be a better person Inshalah and need to get a hold of my negative emotions Inshalah.

    Alhamdulillah i’ve shared an issue. Feels like i have many more to share. Inshalah this will be a platform to help me get through some of these issues i’m experiencing.

    Jazakallah ladies 

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2017

    I meant Alison posted it Jan. 1, 2017, morning.

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2017

    Alison, As salaamu Alaikum,

    I just pulled your Happy New Year post from January 1, 2017, out of spam. Every now and again your posts and others go there erroneously. I don’t know why. ūüôĀ

    Happy New Year, my dear sister and to you too, Anjum, Jasmina,Tunis and all the wonderful readers and writers of the polygamy 411 blog and support group

    Happy New Year 2017

  • tunis

    January 2, 2017

    Crystal..  Wa alaikum asalam .. ahlan was sahlan !!!

    Welcome and be comfortable !   I have always loved this expression!

    Yes do continue to write….it will help you just to unload your thoughts and feelings…AND express yourself. Then the sisters can better help you with your need of support. ¬†I too am new to this blog of less than a month.. …and the support and critique and the love is ¬†AWESOME…the sisters here, ¬†helped me get through a rough patch. And inshallah I will stay a silent reading until Allah decides otherwise….and offer my thoughts when I can…

    Welcome !

  • Alison

    January 2, 2017

    Happy New Year all

  • anabellah

    January 2, 2017

    Crystal, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Welcome. It’s nice to have you hear and I hope you’ll continue to write. Some people write till they don’t need the blog any longer and other are here to help others even if they don’t need the blog.I’m grateful for all the writers because they all help just by writing regardless of the reason.

    I’m hopeful we could be of help to you. In order to do so, we’d need to know what’s bothering you. The most I got was that you married your husband second and you’re having a difficult time coping with being in a polygamous marriage. You thought you’d be able to handle it better. I totally get it. Just about every woman who is in a polygamous marriage has a difficult time coping for a time, and it doesn’t matter which number she married in.

    So, Insha Allah, you’ll be back to share what’s happening with you. Again, welcome ūüôā

  • Crystal

    January 2, 2017

    As Salaam Wa Alaikum all

    Bismillah Hir Rahmaan Nir Raheem 

    This is the first time ever that im writing on any blog 

    Came across this blog & perhaps for a good reason as I’m in need of support

    Im in a polygymist marrige ‘second wife’ and yes its hard, harder than i ever expected or imagined. I feel like i’m ruining our marriage as i’m simply not coping too well¬†

    Dont know if i’ll continue writing. For now it seems like i needed to¬†

    Do know that I need Allah Taala’s mercy, guidance and good favor Inshalah, so I ask for a Dua to be made to help me cope better Inshalah

    Jazakallah Khayra in advance

     

     

     

     

     

  • Jasmina

    January 2, 2017

    Walaikum sallam

    I been so busy! Miss you all

  • Anjum

    January 1, 2017

    Salam alaykum and happy new year https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2017

    Sis Karima, H?ppy New Year!

  • Karima

    January 1, 2017

    Salam and Happy New Year( in the new thread too lol)

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2017

    Umm of 2, Happy New Year! You are the first to welcome in the New Year, Sis. I saw your post on the thread that was closing.

    As Salaamu Alaikum to All, I pray this will be a blessed, wonderful new year for us all {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    January 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace

    Happy New Year!

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for January 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the December 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:December 2016 Discussions