June 2015 Discussions

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June 2015 discussions
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June 2015 discussions

June 2015 discussions

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201 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2015

    This thread is now June 2015 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the June 2015 discussions and welcome in July 2015.

    June 2015 is now closed. Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/July-2015-discussions/

    May 2015 discussions

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2015

    @Amy,

    It’s okay. No harm done. The link matter is so this blog doesn’t advertise for other blogs for free. There is no paid advertising here either, but I certainly don’t want to promote someone else site and direct traffic from this site to theirs without compensation. If people get there on their own, fine and good.

    @Mari2, hey there.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m looking forward to hearing from you more often once you get your new computer. Yay! 🙂 I know how frustrating typing on a phone can be. It’s so time consuming for me. I’d rather just type it on the computer and call it a day. Sometime I’m too lazy to go to the computer. Sigh

    About the subject of friends, I think it’s a personal decision. I only have one friend besides my wali. I’ve known my wali and his family for 30 years, it will be next year. He introduced me to Islam. The other is my Egyptian friend. He is married now and living in Egypt. Insha Allah, he and his wife, my hubz and I will get together whenever he returns to the States with her.

    I believe Muslim should be there for one another if male or female. We are brothers and sisters-in-faith and one brotherhood. Of course we have to be particular with who we take into our intimacy because Allah says so. He tells us not to take those outside our ranks into our intimacy. He tells us to investigate, as well. He lets us know who to befriend and not. It’s what I go by. I’ll help out Muslims male or female, it doesn’t mean we have to be best friends. Those are my thoughts on the matter.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone, 🙂

    We’re at the end of another months once again. Insha Allah, we’ll have a post up for July 2015 discussions after 12.00 midnight Eastern Standard time. I’ll add a link to the June discussion thread to make it easier for everyone to access.

  • Mari2

    June 30, 2015

    @coco
    I am doing well. M and I are in a good place as a couple. I work hard on biting my tongue about certain things with regard to 2. I cut off all social media connections to all family members in Pakistan. It’s better that way. If they can’t see me then they can’t talk about me. I mention them not to him. His mother and I have a civil relationship. I cook and clean and shop. I am always friendly to her. I give her gifts now and then. I give her no real reasons to complain about me. I have my own personal rooms in the home just for me and she has her own rooms.

    There are occasional issues with 2. She told M I was sending her text messages. I wasn’t. When M looked into the texts, it turned out that they were coming from a pakistani phone number. Why she thought I had a pakistani number is beyond me. Apparently, one of M’s sister’s friends was texting 2 pretending to be me. That pissed me off a bit. Then 2 called M to complain I was saying things to her bro about her. I wasn’t. M’s other sister was saying things about 2, but 2’s bro told her it was me. Sigh. Do these people have nothing better to do? Oh…wait. They don’t. Then today 2 called 11 times to complain about him and how he ruined her life, he makes her eat bad food, he’s cheap, she doesn’t want to be at his house, etc. Same old arguments.
    She’s pushing him too much. He told her she had a “long tongue” and needed to fix her attitude. Not sure what “long tongue” means in his culture but it’s not good.

  • Mari2

    June 30, 2015

    @coco
    M and I have no children. With my age at mid 40 and 2 miscarriages in the past 2 years I think my pregnancy days are behind me. I am okay with that. However,if we did have a child I would speak English with the child but would not be opposed to M speaking pashto and urdu. M has become westernized enough where I don’t think he would push too hard for the children to be versions of a pakistani child. I think though he would have worries if he had a daughter once she became high school aged. We would probably have issues later if we had a daughter. I could see him wanting to send her back to Pakistan to live once she entered puberty. There might also be an issue with him wanting to engaging a daughter to a cousin. I would not stand for that so perhaps Allah is wise in not giving us children.

  • Mari2

    June 30, 2015

    @coco
    Salam. I do not mind your questions at all. When I was in Pakistan I didn’t feel smothered as I wasn’t there too long. Had I stayed there longer I would definitely begin to chafe at the bit. There is no privacy at all. Not with regard to personal space nor with regard to one’s business. There’s no where a woman can get away to for some peace and quiet. And there is no freedom of movement for a woman on their own. Here if I want to pop to the market, I just get in my car and drive off. Not there. Going to the market usually entails cramming into a car circus clown style with 8 other women of the family. People on laps of others with toddlers squashed into any available space. It’s crazy. And if you want to buy something expect the input of the gaggle of women you’re stuck shopping with. You may decide you want to buy something but end up without it because someone decided it wasn’t good, took it out of your hands and put it back. Seriously.

  • Laila

    June 30, 2015

    I think sending videos on lectures and jokes is harmless. That is my take on the matter. Because technology can be used in so many ways its nice to receive short videos on the latest sermon, etc.

  • Laila

    June 30, 2015

    Dear Gail and Ana. I think when communication with the opposite gender it is mindful to know where you stand, meaning you know you are somebody’s wife and that it has to have a point where you draw the line. I do this not to feel that my friends may be attracted to me or anything but to maintain my self respect as a woman. Nobody likes to be taken advantage of and I am certainly not in that bracket. To some degree I do feel that hubbs is trying his best to start a family with me because he probably feels insecure. I wouldn’t know really. But sometimes over time, I think people learn at some point to know that their husbands cannot be there for them all the time. So in my case, I have seen that and I am happy to have my own thing going. Maybe he still expects me to hope against hope. Why should I? It will only create unwanted expectations. I in fact had a blow up earlier in the afternoon. He loves to micro manage me when I am out, and with my family. I understand that he is concerned but I am not a pathetic case. One thing lead to another and I blew my head off. I told him to stop giving me these so called advise when he himself is not perfect. He kept quiet and told me that he is sorry and he will learn to give me my own space. The silence on his part for the rest of the evening was blissful. I think he is starting to see that I am not about to under his nose all time and that I have mind of my own.

  • Amy

    June 30, 2015

    I’m sorry I didn’t know of any rules in regards to posting links. I just didn’t want to repeat something in regards to Quran or deen and accidentally get it wrong. So I figured giving the exact link as to where I read it could also hep if anyone wondered where it was from. My husband is always wary of stuff found on the Internet. He says there are so many out there to harm Islam and put incorrect stuff out there. So I try to back up what I say to someone so I can have a double check if needed if something is wrong.

    I found this site has a lot that goes towards anybody in such a hardship and test these days as polygamy.

    This passage definetly fits.

    TAF’WEEZ

    Allah Ta’ala says:

    “I assign my affair to Allah. Verily He sees all (His) servants.”

    Rasulullah Sallallahu alayhi wasallam said:

    “When you arise in the morning do not contemplate in your heart about the evening, and when it is evening do not contemplate about the morning.”

    THE NATURE OF TAF’WEEZ

    Taf’weez is to assign oneself to Allah Ta’ala. He may do with one as He desires. One’s gaze and hope should be on none besides Allah. While employing the means and the agencies the result of all things should be left to Allah Ta’ala.

    Taf’weez does not mean shunning the means and the agencies which Allah Ta’ala has created for the acquisition and rendering of affairs. It merely means that one’s confidence and hope should be on none besides Allah Ta’ala. The result of the employment of the means and agencies should be left to Allah Ta’ala. In affairs not related to means and agencies, Taf’weez should be adopted from the very beginning. In such matters one should not adopt taj’weez (plan and scheme).

    Taj’weez (to plan, scheme and programme) is the cause for all worry, because of it being expected that the operation of a project planned should proceed along the set plan and programme arranged for it. If the result is contrary to expectation, worry and frustration are the consequence. The schemes initiated by man mostly consist of matters not within the control of his volition. It is therefor puerile to scheme about things not within one’s volition. It is for this reason that the Ahlullaah (the Auliyaa) shun taj’weez. They resign themselves entirely unto Allah Ta’ala and submit to the Pleasure of Allah Ta’ala.

    It is necessary to abandon one’s own scheme of operation and resign oneself to Allah. This applies to even the development of one’s spiritual condition. In trodding the spiritual path of development one should not initiate one’s own scheme. Assign everything to Him. Bestowal or the elimination of Haalaat and Kaifiyyaat (spiritual conditions) should be assigned to Him. The seeker of Allah should annihilate his taj’weez in the Tajweez of Allah Ta’ala. In other words, he has to adopt total and perfect Abdiyyat (submission and serfdom—being a total slave of Allah Ta’ala).

    THE WAY OF ACQUIRING TAF’WEEZ

    When being confronted with an event which is in conflict with one’s liking then immediately think that it is an act of Allah and most assuredly there is wisdom and goodness in it. In the beginning it will be difficult to acquire this attitude. However, constant reflection produces the annihilation of effort and then this attitude assumes a natural condition in the Ahlullaah (the Auliyaa).

    I won’t post the link. But if you want to read more. It is just a few clicks on the next page button on that first link I posted. I have just been reading thru next page after next page.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2015

    @Amy,

    Thank you for sharing 🙂 (I reviewed the link before approving to adhere with the policy of the blog re: posting of links.)

  • Amy

    June 29, 2015

    http://www.islaam.org/tasawwuf/Tasa_50.htm

    Here is the link to where I got the info. There is lots of more pages to read on there also

  • Amy

    June 29, 2015

    Sabr Alal Amal

    This means to be firm and constant in practising righteous deeds.

    SABR FIL AMAL

    This means to have sabr while engaging in the righteous deed. The nafs is held in control and prevented from diversion while engaged in the act of virtue. Acts of Ibaadat have to be discharged adequately by the observance of the principles and rules pertaining to such acts. Full attention has to be directed towards the act.
    I have been doing some searching on how to help deal with aug a situation as polygamy in regards to asking allah for help.

    This is something I found. It is interesting. I have reread it a few times already. I am pretty sure I will need it much more as the days go by of my husband is to get a second wife. I thought I post it for others to read also. Maybe it it help someone else too. I will post the link for the website where I got it from in a bit. I could only copy and paste one thing at a time. So I decided to post he entire contents of the page first rather than the link. Make it easier for people to see without clicking to some other site.

    SABR ANIL AMAL

    This means to have sabr in the non-commission of any act or to restrain the Nafs from indulging in the prohibitions of Allah Ta’ala.

    NI’MAT AND MUSEEBAT

    Ni’mat (fortune, favour, blessing) produces delight and happiness which in turn result in muhabbat (love) for Allah, The Benefactor. On the contrary museebat (difficulty, hardship, calamity) produces unpleasantness and grief. Thus the occasion of sabr is in the face of museebat. Museebat is the condition detested by the nafs. This condition is of two kinds, viz. 1. the form of hardship, and 2. true hardship.

    Grief and frustration follow in the wake of true hardship which is the consequence of- sin. Hardship which brings about the strengthening of one’s bond with Allah and elevates one’s spiritual condition is not true hardship. It is merely a resemblance or form of hardship. It increases one’s submission to Allah Ta’ala. The Aarifeen do perceive hardship. In fact their sense of perception is sharper, but due to their gaze being on Allah Ta’ala their grief and sorrow do not exceed the limits;

    Difficulties are a means for the expiation of many sins. At times Allah Ta’ala’ wishes to bestow a special rank of elevation to a servant, but the latter lacks the ability to attain that lofty rank solely by virtue of his righteous deeds. Allah Ta’ala then afflicts him with some hardship by virtue of which he attains the desired lofty rank. It appears in the Hadith Shareef that on the Day of Qiyaamat the people of Ni’mat (fortune and happiness) will envy those who had undergone museebat (hardship and sorrow). They will envy them and wish:

    “Would that our skins were cut to bits with scissors so that today we could have attained the ranks bestowed to the people of hardship.”

    It is also narrated in the Hadeeth Shareef that he who takes his vengeance, Allah Ta’ala assigns his affair to him (the one who took his own course). But the one who adopts sabr, Allah Ta’ala extracts vengeance on his behalf. Allah then sometimes awards him in this world, or may in Qiyaamat waive punishment totally from him. Allah Ta’ala states in the Qur’aan Shareef:

    “When a hardship afflicts you, say: innalillahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily, we are for Allah and unto Him will we return).”

    The purport of this aayat is that one should engage in the zikr of

    innalillahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon

    at the time of difficulty and hardship. One should meditate the meaning of this statement, that we are the exclusive property of Allah; we belong to Him and He has the full right to utilize and dispose of His property as He deems fit; we are therefore, contented with the decree of Allah.

    When hardship afflicts one, firstly remember one’s sins. Such remembrance of shortcomings and faults will fortify one against depression during the hardship. One will then realize the correctness of the affliction and accept it without complaint. One will regret and not complain. Secondly, meditate the reward which Allah has promised for hardship. Remembering this reward will lessen the grief and keep one resolute in the state of hardship. Never complain nor entertain the impression that Allah Ta’ala has become displeased with one. This impression is dangerous because it weakens the bond with Allah Ta’ala and by degrees one’s relationship with Allah Ta’ala becomes effaced.

    Consider hardship as either a punishment or a trial and contemplate its reward. At the time of hardship, the Shari’at instructs sabr and firmness. For every hardship, the compensation will be good. There is, most assuredly, benefit in hardship, in this world as well as in the Aakhirat although one may not be able to understand the worldly benefit therein.

    ACQUIRING SABR

    Sabr is inculcated by weakening the desires of lust and emotion.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2015

    @Dear Gail and Laila,

    I think if a woman is Muslim or not makes a major difference when it comes to her having male friends. The rules are different for Muslims and non. We know it’s common for non-Muslim men and women to co-mingle without any question. It’s the norm

    When it comes to Muslims and the rule that a Muslim woman can’t associate with males who are not her husband or family members, there is NOTHING in the Quran that says such a thing.

    Allah says men are the “maintainers and protectors of women”. He didn’t say men can only maintain and protect their wives or family members. It’s ludicrous for anyone to think that a man (brother-in-faith) and woman (sister-in-faith) aren’t supposed to communicate with one another. It makes no sense whatsoever.

    People twist what is in the Quran around or simply don’t know what is in the Quran. There is ayat (verses) in the Holy Quran that lets us know who women could be in a state of undress in front of. People erroneously have used the ayat to say women can’t be with men who aren’t in the category of those she could be in a state of undress in front of. They are straight up wrong. They made it up. They added something they had no authorization to add. It’s no different than people stoning women for committing adultery when the punishment Allah says is flogging. They make up their own rules.

    What is very sad is that Muslims don’t read Quran or they read it for a purpose of other than to learn and to live it. Others simply listen to anything others tell them, and take it as the truth. They can’t think for themselves. They don’t question what they are told. They don’t learn for themselves. They have no knowledge. Many new converts/reverts go with whatever they are told. Some start wearing Arab clothes and think it’s Islam. They think they’re righteous because of the get up they’ve got on. SMH

    The Islamic police and countries policing women, telling them they can’t be in the presence of men who aren’t related to them and penalizing them for doing so are wrong on sooooo many levels. People need to police themselves. Everyone is accountable for themselves. Allah in the Holy Quran says there is no compulsion in Islam. It means no one should be force to be Muslim, nor forced to live and Islamic life – not to mention that much of what so called Muslims are forcing on other Muslims is not Islam.

    It’s so bad out there in some countries, as the men have been deprived of contact with women that when they see one they go ape sh!t. They start groping them and fondling them or worse yet rape them. They act like barbarians. And some, as Gail stated become bisexuals. It’s pathetic. In the U.S. men and women are amongst one another all the time. For instance, men and women walk about the tourist area of China Town in NYC all almost on top of one another due to the congestion, yet no one is grabbing women buttock and boobages, feeling on them or anything. It should tell us something. Why are Muslim men acting in a barbaric way?

    Getting back to men and women as friends. A Muslim woman as well as a Muslim man should know who we could be friends with. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran who those people are. He tells us who to love and not love and who to befriend and not. He tells us who to marry and not marry. I listed on the blog a while back several of the ayat about who we should and should’t befriend.

    A Muslim woman who has a male friend needs to ask herself if the male friend she communicates with is someone Allah says we should take as a friend or not. If a Muslim women is shooting the breeze, chit-chating with non-Muslims who she calls her friends, she is of them and she disobeys Allah. Why has she made someone who doesn’t know Islam and doesn’t try to live Islam her friend?

  • Gail

    June 29, 2015

    Laila,
    I also want to add I do not believe it is right that a husband can have up to 4 wives and a wife can not have male friends and for that husband to get jealous after he himself is screwing other woman.Yeah it blows my mind.
    I have male friends and yes my husband gets jealous but I honestly don’t care.I am to the point u know what it is what it is like it or lump it he is not so special that he is going to put me in a cage and throw away the key.
    I am going through this right now and I am more than furious with my husband on this very topic.It is just insanity at the highest level as far as I can see it and it has to do with him needing to grow up!

  • Gail

    June 29, 2015

    Laila,
    I really enjoyed your post.I can see also u have come a long ways.I personally don’t see any wrong in having male friends.I don’t care anymore if my husband gets jealous or acts like an idiot about it.I feel it is not my problem and I am not going to not have friends just because he has an issue with it.So yeah I get where u r coming from and it spoke loud and clear to me.
    I am really excited for u to have a baby I know u have spoken of it many times here on the blog and hopefully it is close now.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I didn’t finish your post cuz I was in the middle of something that I’m trying to finish before break fast. I have to come back to it. Please don’t think I was trying to insult you or put you in a negative mood. I didn’t express all my thoughts when I made the statement. To elaborate further now, I think some people see wives who married second as “mistresses” or “halal mistresses” and it usually the Muslims who haven’t accepted polygamy yet. It’s not uncommon for women who are against polygamy to do. Once women settle into polygamy and get a better understanding they see wives as wives. They find there is no need to belittle another woman by referring to her as being a mistress. They know she is not one.

    In saying all of the above, a husband will not treat a wife like a mistress and the co-wife who is wanting to be a believer if she isn’t one will see the other wife for what she is (NOT a mistress) if she isn’t acting the part of one.

    I think any woman regardless of what order she married in needs to know she is married. There is no need to try to win the husband’s love because we already have it. We need to just settle into the marriage and enjoy it. Of course the only way to enjoy it is to get closer to Allah, and have Him love us.

    When you said your husband is more interested now in you getting pregnant made me think he figured if you have a baby he won’t have to worry about you and your friends. He won’t have to worry about whether you’ll meet someone else and leave him. He won’t have to feel jealous.

  • Laila

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Marie. I typed out my reply to you and its lost as I submitted my response! Oh goodness……

  • Laila

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Marie. Whether they have a smooth sailing life or storms in their marriage, trust me, do not involve yourself. Because, you have your own life and role to play. You are a mother and I am sure you have many other things going for you. We, me included love to get carried away in the petty things. Is it even worth it? Nope. It sucks your energy, and clouds your judgements. I too am still learning. Ive not reached a point where everything is peaches and cream. No. But I am getting somewhere. I have my own life now that I have created for myself, and he now feels that I do not prioritize him as much. Maybe. Ive been having so much on my plate nowdays. I am lecturing again at a university, on a part time basis, starting my classes, getting repairs done for my home, getting my personal affairs sorted. So I have my hands full. I am saying karma is such because there was a time I felt he never gave me the attention I needed. It hurt me. Back then also please take note, I was very young and needed him. But he had other responsibilities. I get it, but now, I am at a stage where I have my own opinions and ideas. I do ask him for his opinion but he now wants my time, all he time when hes at home. It is tiring. I do not know why he has become so patient and considerate to my feelings. Yes his arrogance does tick me off but he now gives me that feeling that I am the Queen on my side. Anything on my side, he asks me first, then he proceeds. But also he can be stubborn….. I think it is his age. Just recently, I lost the plot with him and I burst out. I said such mean things which I dont know where it came from, I told him that his stubbornness is old age and it is killing me at times and I dont want to grow old thanx to him. Well felt like a jerk and apologized so mant times to him. Well Marie, I am now off the conversation now. But I am happy for your progress as a Muslim. I too am suddenly so into reading Islamic books to increase my knowledge and to make me a better Muslim. Have a great day! I am seeing my doctor today and I am on pins and needles. My day of judgement to know what are my test results.

  • Laila

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Ana. I am not playing games. Sometimes when I am in bed I do find myself caught off guard when I am busy reading messages and hubbs “scolds” me for being on the phone for hours. Maybe it’s just me and my nasty habit but since I got this new phone, an iphone I am so distracted and I can read messages, jokes, videos etc. He tells me I am not spending time with the family and that I prioritize my friends. Sometimes when he asks me who is sending me some real good jokes and I tell him who, which by the way I don’t intend to lie about he blows up. And I am feeling like, this was was not needed. Ana, I get what you are saying and I am not going to feed into negativity and say why did you use the term “mistress”. Nope. I woke up today feeling good, and positive. I am just saying that I get Maries point of view eventhough at times I think my explanation is a bit off the mark. I can sense she’s happy in her own way. People always think women who are in polygamy are just plain unhappy women who plot and compete and get pissed. Yes, sometimes it does happen. But I think also there would be some space in time where, certain things just do not bug you anymore. It is as though the pain has been taken away and you just want to have a meaningful and good life. Yes I do think the sexual part does in some ways bug us all, irregardless of whether we are first, second third or fourth. But there will be a time where even that does not bug us. That is all that I am saying. I also believe right now, in my life, now that I have my own world, my friends, my studies…. I actually in some ways, am guilty of not spending time with him. He can get annoying and stubborn and sometimes I just ignore him. Just recently I told him to stop being so cynical because I dislike it. Hubbs is twenty years my senior and there are days, as much as I love this man, I do find him a real difficult person. He is really getting high in his career and sometimes that arrogance just puts me off. Ana, you can decipher this anyway you want. But yes, there are times I believe women of polygamy can really enjoy the benefits of polygamy and not feel so jealous and out of control. In my case, I enjoy my schedule. I at times am really looking forward to my own time too. After the you don’t love my kids episode, things have fallen into a comfortable routine and I am grateful for that. Happiness can be attained really. Now, when he is home, all he wants is my time, my cooking, my need to validate his statements his activities at work…. omg! I am tired on a mental note when he leaves. And times like this, I actually smile and tell Allah s.w.t. you really are the best of planners. I doubted you in the past when it came to polygamy. I hated my situation. Now, I see it, and I feel very blessed. Thank you! I hope my explanation sort of sheds light into my situation Ana. And yes, my laptop burnt on me hence my silence. It is troubling to type using my phone. Ive ordered a new laptop and I am to get it within a week. So by then, I will bug you more often. Love you loads! ♡ Have a great day!

  • Marie

    June 28, 2015

    Laila, I understand your explanation but I don’t want them to feel any sadness. I’m bitter or angry towards them as they did nothing wrong in getting married. I’m actually extremely grateful to Allah for giving me this test. Iv grown so much as a Muslim Woman. I noticed it this Ramadan. I’m so much more patient. And much more peaceful in life. I enjoy my life and realised I’m truly blessed with a wonderful family.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’ll put my 2cents in. Sometime it seems you’re playing with your husband. For instance, you said he gets jumpy when your male friend text you. In other posts you’ve said he appears jealous and more attentive to you when your friends are around and stuff. It sounds a lot like what non-Muslims do.

    You are married. Marriage is not about playing games to a make a husband jealous and want you more.Furthermore, it’s way out of character for a “Muslim” woman.

    We all do things that are not right. The key is to recognize the wrong we do as being wrong, and get it right. It’s way better that you try to establish a mature, loving, nurturing relationship with your husband.

    If you don’t want to be treated like a mistress, then start acting like a wife. It’s how I see it…

  • Laila

    June 28, 2015

    Dear Marie and all my sisters in faith. You touched on the control factor and how you were getting happier as time passes but they however were experiencing misery. That caught my attention. I think I understand you clearly on that part. I for years always felt like I was second best. He never made it such but because she always sarcastically said that no matter what, she is still the first, that anger and misery seeped into my life, my self confidence and eventually my marriage. Nowdays I have made peace with a lot of things in my life and funnily people and my own sister told me that I am glowing. They suspected that I am pregnant, but I am not. What I think is, when you start to not give a damn about things and you are happy with your living arrangements and maybe somewhere along the way you start appreciating yourself, things just happen. In my case, karma in some way has helped me this time round. He is now the one who is insecure, and jumpy when my friends, especially men friends sometimes just send me jokes through text. It is all clean fun by he way. Maybe my explanation is a bit off but I can relate to your post. Happiness sometimes comes from the least expected way and then, your spouse sees how much he probably took for granted. Guess who is extremely eager to have a baby and religiously remind me of the doctors appointments?! But I am not about to fall for anyones trap, I want to be happy. So if that means blocking their issues out, then it has to be such.

  • coco

    June 27, 2015

    Mari2
    It’s great to hear from you how are things on your end? I feel more confident about my decision after reading your post. Regarding the woman yeah not surprised at all as they say “you can take the woman out of the village but you can’t take the village out of her” lol forget discussing current events, books, or politics if you start a topic about religion their face expression becomes vacant. I don’t know how to communicate with such woman gossip doesn’t give me thrills I find it demeaning. I have Kashmiri family in the U.K they aren’t far off from the pushtoons you see some woman who are 2nd, 3rd generation British but they look like they just came from the village yesterday. About fitting in I’m sure you’ve come to a point where you just don’t care. Yeah you don’t need to go there again too too risky. When you had last went did they know you were married to him then? Did you ever interact or meet your co? I’m sure they were at peace knowing he’d walk out on you once he marries his “own” unfortunately for them they failed to realize that he may very much love you lol I wonder how it was to be there surely very very suffocating. Does he impose his culture on the kids like for example speaking Pashto? Sorry for all the questions lol anyways yes thankfully you have your own life that doesn’t begin and end with your husband. JazahkAllah for your insight!!! xo ❤️☺️

  • coco

    June 27, 2015

    Ana
    Exactly don’t make others feel bad if they don’t!!! You raised a valid point apart from the Quran in many books the rights and status of woman are highlighted everywhere but they choose to dismiss them and only look for rights that benefit men only. Such a relationship with a brother in faith should be treasured it’s very rare to have such an understanding with another we are blessed mashAllah!!! I learn a lot from him he’s enriched with knowledge in Islam and the Quran. Almost everyday he mentions an ayat from the Quran he’s memorised 1/3 of the Quran with tafseer. Once he said that the men from the Muslim world want to conceal the rights of woman as they’re scared since Islamically a wife doesn’t have to live or care for her in laws if she doesn’t wish to, she doesn’t have to cook and slave for them either. It’s a favour if she does and will be rewarded accordingly if she chooses to but absolutely not punished at all. She is only required to give her husband’s parents respect that’s it subhanAllah!!!

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2015

    @Mari2 & coco,

    I hear you both loud and clear. I think you both are doing the right thing. Good for you. I don’t get that whole women in the kitchen cooking and just bearing children mindset anyhow. It’s okay for those who want to do it, but don’t make others feel badly if they don’t. It is my philosophy.

    People are so quick to dismiss the Quran, but if they read other books that they’re so quick to pick up, if they pick up any, they’d realize that the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) first wife and only wife till she died was a business woman. He worked for her. When he was polygamous, his younger wife Aishah didn’t bear him any children. Did they beat up on her about it? My understanding is some of his wives worked. Some did charitable work. It was only after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth that men began to oppress women the way they did before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was given the revelation. They’re back to pre-Islamic times today. There are nearly no men out there protecting and maintaining women. It’s the opposite. Men aren’t only supposed to protect and maintain their wives and children. They are suppose to maintain and protect WOMEN. It’s a very sad state of affairs for Muslims today.

    coco, it’s nice you have a good relationship with your brother-in-law and can discuss matters that are important to you. It sounds a lot like the brother-in-faith relationship I have with my wali. I treasure the relationship I have with him. He and his family are my Islamic family. I thank Allah much for them, all the time.

  • coco

    June 26, 2015

    Ana
    Yeah it took me a while to come to terms with where I stand exactly and you’re echoing my thoughts it’s a massive blessing that they will be too unapproachable to meddle in my business. You’re so right I actually don’t see them as a religious family I see them as a cult slaving proudly to their ancestral culture and traditions. I strongly agree a huge kudos to my soon to be brother in law I am very much grateful for his support and honesty. I know I will never be more than a halal mistress to most of my in laws especially the woman but he assured me you’re doing nothing wrong in the eyes of Allah so who cares about what others think their opinions shouldn’t matter to you. He has become an immeasurable blessing in my life Alhumdulilah! *He’s the same brother who was forced to marry a cousin by parents at the age of 16 soon after he moved to the UAE and has distanced himself from them since 20 plus years he visits once a year or two for 2-3 days* We’ve grown quite close he confides about pretty much everything with me how he still has resentment towards the family how his only regret in life is he wished he didn’t obey his parents to marry then or not marrying till now cuz the only way he could marry someone is if she’d be kept a secret as his parents will never accept a non-pathan but laughs at the same time that he’s been living a miserable life alone all these years and found no one who’s willing to accept such a setup lol on the other hand we’ve had great conversations about religion vs. their culture about my favorite Rumi and life in general. He’s accepted me whole heartedly and absolutely adores me says I’m very precious to him he can trust me sees me as his second self and will always support us, as for myself in him I gain my Pathan’s entire family and that’s all I need!!! ☺️ I’m off to bed until later… ❤️ xo

  • Mari2

    June 26, 2015

    @coco
    You are right about keeping your distance from the family in Pakistan. That’s what I do. Even his family here I rarely socialize with as all they do is talk about others anyway. Not ever going to have a good discussion about current events, books, or politics with those women. Their lives are too narrow. Even while here they are wound up in family gossip of others on the other side of the world. No acclimation attempts here either. They stick to the home, wrapped in dupatta and speak only to other family members and a few other pakistani women they may run into. My world is larger than that.
    Like you I will never be accepted by them. They are a closed group. I know that and deal with that. I too would never venture back to Pakistan as now that number 2 family knows of me, it would be too dangerous. M’s family lives close to Peshawar. Same mind set. Thankfully Allah has given me my own career and my family and friends. That way I can keep his family on the periphery. It’s the only way.

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I understand what you’ve said. Let me tell you though; I truly believe that one day you will be okay with them getting it on. You will reach a point where you don’t give a hoot. You won’t think about it. If the thought comes to mind you’ll just swat it away and keep it moving. You’ll just go on about your business and the thought will be in the wind. 🙂 It’s a bit difficult to explain, but it’s like having a baby; although I never had one. People say after the birth, you forget about the pain. It’s like one never had the pain. I wouldn’t know. I’m just going on what I was told. I’ll talk about what I do know. I think it’s sought of like my job I used to have. I did it for a very, very, very long time. It was a job that entailed a lot and was very involved. Now it seems as though I’ve never done the job. I can’t believe I was in that profession. I carried a firearm and fired it twice a year for qualification. It was my career. Now it seems like a dream SMH

    I say it all to say, if you keep the faith (Islam) and strive to be the best believer ever, you’ll forget about the difficult times you had in this lifestyle (polygamy). He and she won’t faze you. You’ll be like – go ahead and do your thing. You’ll have no care in the world about it. It’s a beautiful. Life is beautiful. Of course it not Jannah, but we could have peace and contentment here on this planet. Allah says so…

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2015

    @coco,

    You are doing very good with accepting the reality of how the culture is, and where you stand. I think you’re taking a the right approach. It could very well be a blessing for you and him that you won’t have his relative all up in your business. Like you stated, you won’t have to deal with them badmouthing your career or trying to interfere with it or your lifestyle in general. You won’t have to deal with them trying to mold you into what they want you to be. It has to be a blessing not to have them meddling in your business.

    From what I’ve gathered from listening to people on the blog, especially our dear Gail, it’s all cultural. Islam doesn’t play any part in the way they live.

    It’s somewhat like what happens with convert/reverts. Although in your case everyone is born “Muslim”. Still, Any Muslim who is serious about our religion Islam knows we have to distance ourselves from those who don’t follow the dictates of Allah. Allah allows polygamy and those who rejects or go against what Allah allow or dislike what Allah allows or says, Allah says the person is no better than an unbeliever. Restricting marriage to cousins, keeping wealth in the family and all of it is not what Islam is about. It’s not about nationalism. Islam could be viewed as a culture in itself.

    It was very nice of your soon to be brother-in-law to speak with you frankly. I’d rather know where I stand,and not have someone bullcrap me. Be up front with me and don’t beat around the bush. You have to give him kudos for being candid with you. Alhumdulliah.

  • Marie

    June 26, 2015

    Ana, wa alaykum asalaam

    Yes, baby girl should be here soon inshaa Allaah. It very exciting (except for the giving birth part lol)

    No, I don’t like the thought of them getting it on but I’m not deluded I know they do and have a right to. It’s no so much when he’s away, but when he comes back I get the odd whispers here and there. I do.t think I’ll ever be happy about it. But I deal with it.

  • coco

    June 26, 2015

    Ana & Gail
    Ana I’m glad my quote came to you at an ideal time. Gail It’s great to know you’re doing fine from the health front now. I will most definitely keep you both posted on how things play out. As for now things seem to be getting less knotted than before. I guess this year had given me more than enough time to contemplate what battles to hold on to and which to let go of. I was always adamant that I be a part of his family I wanted to be embraced with open arms which was my right as his wife but I think reality really struck me hard that I can’t and won’t ever be accepted as she’s blood while I’m not she’s a part of their culture while I’m not she’s their choice while I’m not. So really why try why bother at all? My mother has made very clear to me that since they won’t give your parents the respect we need standing aside at the time of marriage then you will not be a part of them later “IF” they are willing to accept you most probably only for the sake of grandchildren. And since they live in the tribal area by Peshawar she isn’t comfortable with me ever going there nor am I. Btw her parents house is just separated by a wall from his lol Pashtuns are known to pick up guns like its nobody’s business so NO I will choose not to put myself in a position that I don’t feel safe or comfortable in. We will live abroad after the marriage takes place inshAllah and he will go off season to visit family every year. He is not pleased that I’ve made clear that I don’t wish to be a part of them at all. He’s quite persistent for me to pay my respects to his parents after the wedding takes place but to be honest I’m not bothered now. I’ve had a recent in-depth conversation with his elder brother and he clearly told me you have my blessings but they will never accept you sadly and they will make sure you’re never happy with him so stay as far as you possibly can just like I’ve cut myself off from them. I don’t mind it’s kind of liberating to not need their approval as they will do all in their control to get rid of me once they know I’m in the picture like Mari2 in laws. They will be trouble like most probably force me to live with them, wear niqab or worst to let go of my business as woman belong in the kitchen not outside of the house to them. So I will be evidently safer and happier if I’m inaccessible to them ☺️ Alhumdulilah! Keep me in your prayers my lovely sisters ❤️ xo

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2015

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Don’t worry about the posts. Just type whatever you’re feeling. It’s all good.

    So, you’re about to have your baby soon. Yay!!!! A beautiful little girl. Alhumdulliah!

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    I just want to let everyone know that I haven’t checked my email for the blog for a while until today, just now at 3:12 a.m.,Friday. I just don’t want anyone to think I’ve dismissed or ignored anyone. It’s been quite hectic trying to manage the blog and my personal emails (not related to the blog), and personal life. Something has to takes the back seat. For now it’s seems to be the emails for the blog. 🙁 Insha Allah, I’ll try to keep up.

  • anabellah

    June 26, 2015

    @Marie,

    Your posts are confusing and conflicting. One minute you’re talking about how you are the favorite wife. He’s just with her because she needs help. He didn’t intend for it to be a lasting marriage with her. She asked him to marry her. You still have problems with the thought of him having sex with her. You’ll be glad when she can’t have sex after the delivery of the baby etc.

    Then in another post you talk about how he always said he’d end up with her, and wanted to take care of the two of you. He wants to take care of his families. He has sex with her and it’s expected of him. No matter why a husband marries a woman, they could have sex.

    I don’t get that they said they’d see how thing goes in the marriage and then they’ll divorce if need be. Well, that’s how is is with most people who marry. They marry and if their problems are insurmountable they divorce. It best to go into a marriage with an optimistic, positive attitude.

    Maybe it’s me, but you seem all over the place. Anyhow, it is whatever it is.

  • Gail

    June 25, 2015

    Marie,
    I am not implying that your husband and his wife should not have sex etc.. of course they would.I am just saying the warning signs were there before he married her that she was not into u being in the picture so to speak.Now he has compounded one problem with another problem is what I am saying.I will say u seem to be accepting polygamy and that is a very good thing on your part.I don’t know why your cowife is having such a hard time since u both have been the picture for so long.Maybe one day she will see u r not her rival and things will grow between u both maybe your babies will be the key I don’t know.I am not even saying he did the wrong thing to marry her.I do think though she must have wanted the baby since she got pregnant.What do u think? It seems she doesn’t want divorce from him now although i don’t know that to be true but seems.hopefully they r just in a phase and will snap out of it soon.

  • Gail

    June 25, 2015

    Coco,
    My kids r doing fine getting big now.I have been dealing alot As u may have read I was diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma a couple of months back and had surgery to have it removed and I am doing fine now.
    I am also interested in how your life and marriage is going to play out I hope u keep us posted.Glad u r drinking alot and under the AC.

  • Marie

    June 25, 2015

    Also, my husband didn’t lie to me I knew 9 years ago when my first son was born that if there was a way he could take care of both of us, he would. At that time none of us was Muslim so polygamy was not on the cards. Allah guided us to Islam and made what he thought was impossible, possible although it was not as easy as he hoped.

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2015

    @coco, As Salaamu Alaikum, dear Sister,

    Thank you for the awesome quote. What a wonderful quote for all times, but especially during the Holy Month of Ramadan. I was just contemplating patience, so you posted it at an ideal time. It’s another thing I must copy to keep handy.

    I am sooooo happy to hear that you and your intended are still on for the marriage and everything is going well. It’s nice that he has met with your mother. Please keep us posted on how things are going. It’s so exciting.

    It’s good you’re staying hydrated and cool. Alhumdulliah. XXOO much love to you! 🙂

  • Marie

    June 25, 2015

    Gail, it’s a difficult situation to explain. My husband understands he has obligations to his children he also cares and love’s the mother of those children. They all was in a difficult situation and he intended to help. They did not write in a contract that the marriage would end at a specific date. It is not a mutta marriage. If it worked out and everyone was happy there would be no problem in continuing the marriage. However they are not as content as they hoped.Polygany is not as easy as they anticipated. There are no major issues but she would be happier with a husband of her own. The main point is the children have benefited in a huge way (including mine) we are trying to raise 6 soon to be 8 children to be good Muslim we all have obligations towards them, mainly giving them a good peaceful Islamic upbringing. The way things were with them not being married was not working. It’s better now, but not all what they hoped for. No one’s distraught, depressed or constantly arguing. We are all trying to do our best with what Allah has planned for us. I may sound very dramatic but is not. Really, what was my husband supposed to do, not care about half his children and their mother or try to fix the situation that we all got ourselves into. It’s not really about us and what we want. It’s harder on him than it is on us. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
    Also just because someone married for x,yz reasons doesn’t mean they wouldn’t enjoy a sex life. Sex brings couples together. She has a right to sex and so does he.

  • coco

    June 25, 2015

    Gail
    Yeah long time indeed!!! ☺️ What’s been happening with your little cheeky munchkins we haven’t heard about them for a while. Ohhhh I’m drinking water like there’s NO tomorrow while staying in the AC as much as possible hehehe And yes I still plan on marrying him inshAllah his wife is preggers not aware of when she’s due so whenever it is may Allah bless them with a healthy baby inshAllah. He actually met my mom about a month ago which was like a mission and a half to convince her to agree but it went well Alhumdullilah she has been warming up to him ever since. His visa process has now been completed so he will be able to leave after August for over seas inshAllah things definitely look like they’re falling into place finally!!! Patience and faith seems to be paying off after all… Gotta throw in a quote cuz I just do lol you stay content and blessed sister much love to you xo ❤️

    “Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to trust the end result of a process. It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be shortsighted as to not able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never runs out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.”
    Rumi

  • coco

    June 25, 2015

    Ana
    YESSSSSS!!! I will NEVER forget your brilliant idea of having the commode built in the bed oh that would be an oh so beyond convenient innovation lol all giggles here ☺️ I actually joined the blog last Ramadan and here we are with another subhanAllah!!! Speaking of fashion week honestly every single time I watch a live fashion show or on TV I get goosebumps it’s a very surreal experience when it begins to dawn upon you that one day it could be you. It’s so funny that you were too embarrassed to ask if Umair was a male or female lol his in depth posts would have gotten me confused as well usually men write one or two liner posts but he has a strong voice and a helping one might I add it’s an addition that he’s experienced in “Pakistanis” lol I will keep popping in whenever I can you take care and stay blessed!!! Much love to you sister ❤️ xoxo

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2015

    @Fatima, Ramadan Mubarak to you too! 🙂

    Don’t worry, Sis. In time you will feel less stressed and your old self again. I can’t remember how long you’ve been in a polygamous marriage. It take time to get back to a very good place again. I haven’t known it to happen over night. It takes patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah loves those who are patient. He is with the patient.

    Our tests possibly are for us to be able to strive and work on being patient, persevering and praying. Whatever you do, don’t despair. Always maintain hope, and have optimism. Be mindful that when you’re feeling down and low, Satan is messing with you or maybe some of his agents (Muslims and non-Muslims) are around working you over. The saying Satan is chained up during Ramadan – it’s not in the Quran. I don’t go with it. Even if it were true, his agents are non-believers and are still out there doing what they do best, leading people astray.

    To pick oneself up, some say stay busy doing what you like that’s halal. Well, it’s what we could do everyday whether depressed or not. Some people fail to understand that when someone is feeling down or depressed she has no energy or desire to do what would normally lift her spirits. She can’t get motivated. I do, however, find fresh air helps. Go outdoors and take in the scenery and breath the fresh air. Thank Allah for it all.

    The best think I could suggest is that you stay mindful of Allah. You said you’ve got little ones. Good. You know how much work it takes to care for them. In everything you do – EVERYTHING – I don’t know how young your children are – but from changing their clothes, to feeding them, talking to them, teaching them – say to yourself that you’re doing it all to seek the good pleasure of Allah. Each act you do, think about it and Allah at the same time. When you get in a habit of thinking about Allah in everything, from washing the clothes, washing the dishes, sweeping the floor etc. you’ll begin to feel joy. Allah remembers those who remember Him. Do you know the barakats (blessings) you’d be racking up??? Everything a believer does is counted as a good deed because believers do good deeds. Allah allow believers to do good deed. It’s wonderful. It makes me happy just writing about it. Insha Allah, me writing this is a good deed. Alhumdulliah!!! Stay strong, Fatima. you’re going to be okay…

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2015

    @Fatima, 🙂

    I hope you’re having a wonderful Ramadan, as well. I find all that I do is so easy during the Holy month of Ramadan. It’s why some things that I’ve been putting off doing, I want to try to get done this month, Insha Allah.

    About the schedule, you’re right that it depends on the circumstances of the parties involved. If the wives are in different countries, the husband probably has a schedule consisting of a certain number of months with one wife and a number of months with the other. The months aren’t always equal, from what I’ve heard some say on the blog here.

    Fair and just depends on what everyone agree to. Some wives are in different countries, but the travel between countries isn’t that significant. For instance, travel time is several hours. The husband could see the wives quite regularly.

    I know some wives who the husband alternate every other day. He’s with one tonight and the other tomorrow and back and forth he goes. I’m not feeling that schedule at all. Some go two nights.

    The one I think may be good for wives who feud over the schedule is a rigid one. The three nights with one wife and the next three nights with the other. It’s best he does the shift change at the same time to prevent arguments.

    The husband figures out how many weeks of vacation a wife gets each year. The wife could attach the vacation week to her regular days. For instance, if she gets seven days vacation a year, she could attached the seven days to her regular three, and have ten days with the husband at one time.

    It’s best they aren’t allowed any makeup days or carrying over any days to the next year. A wife could give her days away, but not expect them back.

    As I stated, a schedule such as it is probably best for wives who aren’t friendly with each other, and have had ongoing problems with the schedule. It works well, as well, being that the husband is with her the first night in which they get reacquainted again. The second night they are settled in. The third and last night they are good to go. Three nights give them time to relax together.

    I think if I had a husband who was bouncing back and forth each day, I’d go crazy. My home would feel as though I had a revolving door in it. A wife would know he had sex with the other wife the night before. It’s inevitable. One wife is always getting some sloppy left overs is how I’d be thinking with such a schedule.

    Perhaps other would come forward with their thoughts on a schedule that they think may work, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2015

    @Fatima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I read in the news a while back that in some countries the Islamic extremists were stopping travelers who were trying escape and people in general, telling them to recite the Quran to prove they were Muslim. Thank you for sharing what you heard in which the husband recited a verse from the Bible and the extremist didn’t even know it. I so could see how it happened. How clever it was.

    Isn’t it amazing that with all the Muslims in the world very few read and follow the Quran? It used to be a real shockeroo for me, but now it’s sinking in. In the story that you related, the husband said, they (the people who stopped him) don’t read the Quran. The husband must have been up on what’s happening with all the extremist groups out there. He must know many of the members of those groups are indoctrinated into the folds easily because they don’t read and know the Quran. They just accept whatever others tell them.

    You and I know all that in the media about Muslims committing heinous acts and terrorizing people is done by those who call themselves “Muslim”. The masses out there on the planet don’t take the time to know and understand there is a difference between the extremist version of Islam and what Islam really is. Many just hate Muslims.They don’t feel a need to differentiate. They see mainstream Muslims as different, as well, and different isn’t readily accepted.

    I get embarrassed and sickened by what is going on out there around the globe. All the wars and violence with the exception of Russia with the Ukraine involve Muslims. There are the Houthi insurgents in Yemen. The Somalian extremists Al Shabab is in Kenya. Boko Haram is trying to overthrow the Nigerian government, and are in Niger, as well. The Islamic State(ISIL) is fighting in Syria and Iraq. I don’t know who is fighting whom in Liya. It’s just a caotic mess. The Taliban is still going strong in Afganistan.

    It’s way crazy. Those extremist, militant groups are made up of people who are clueless. I think they must think they are supposed to propagate Islam and spread it the way the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his companions did at the advent of Islam. If they read the Quran (and many of them are illiterates and can’t read) they’d know that it’s not what we Muslims today are supposed to do. Muslims are to leave everyone alone and let them be. Let everyone do their own thing. Of course there are laws for crime otherwise there would be chaos. We need law and order. But, overall, people are to be left alone in their beliefs. Admonition, reminders and teaching Islam is for believers, as they are the only ones that Allah says He will allow to understand and get it.

    It’s why it baffles me that Muslims try to convert non-Muslims. It’s not our job to do that. Muslims don’t want any Christian, Mormons or Jehova’s Witnesses et. al up in their faces, trying to convert them. Well, what makes Muslims think non-Muslims want Muslims in their faces, trying to convert them? It’s the same type of things as the extremist, but on a smaller scale. People who read Quran and Allah has given understanding know everyone is to leave everyone alone and let them be. There is no need for the Islamic police and people trying to force Islam on anyone. People who do it don’t know what Allah says in the Quran about it.. Many people go with just what others tells them. It is sad because many Shahadahs get fed the wrong info. It happened to me, as well. I had to stop listening to people and rely on the Quran and people who I know read the Quran and Allah has given understanding. With all the wrong beliefs out there a Shahadah don’t know what they’re hooking up with…

  • Fatima

    June 25, 2015

    @ ana I was reading what you were saying about the war and terrorist and we all know they can’t possibly muslims with what you had said reminded me of this story I heard a few days ago I cabt remeber were it was but there was a Christian family driving there car and one of the terrorist groups had stoped them and asked the husband if they were muslim the husband said yes for safety of his family they told him if you are a muslim recite a verse from the quran the man recited and they let him and his family through, the wife turned to her husband after they went through and said how could you lie in front of them and do that risking your family etc the husband said to her these people don’t know the quran I recited something from the bible and made it sound important, this is apparently a true story

  • Fatima

    June 25, 2015

    Ohh and anytips of distracting ones self from negativity and stress I can be a real stress head at times expecially in this marriage lol when yu have little ones too it makes it hard I just want to be my happy self again without feeling insecure and sad and down about myself, I would love to hear what helps you Mabey I can try it, Ramadan Mubarak

  • Fatima

    June 25, 2015

    Salamu Alaykum, curious to know what you all think about fairness in time what would you all prefer or what you all do, I’ve heard some have one day each and some have two days and then the other co has two down have a week, that would kill me lol, I geuss it depends on everyone and how far away you live, hope Ramadan is going well for you all

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It’s true. I have let my husband know he has no need to lie to me about anything. I want the truth regardless of how he’d think I’d take it. I may freak out initially, but once I pull myself together, which would be fairly quickly, it’s all good. Anyhow, once people go through a whole lot in life, they can handle just about anything, once they get past the initial shock or newness of it all. It’s a piece of cake 🙂

    @Gail,

    Looks like we’re night owls. It’s 2:30 a.m. I have to get up in an hour to prepare to fast. It’s craaaazy. I’ll probably just stay up until then. It’s wonderful not having to work. Alhumdulliah. I sooooo love not having to work.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 25, 2015

    @Ana + Gail yes men lie because they are afraid to hurt their wives. But the truth is the easiest thing to work with once you get over that initial pain.

  • Gail

    June 25, 2015

    Coco,
    Hey long time no see woman!!!
    make sure u keep yourself hydrated between fast and stay in the air condition.
    What going on with u and your man these days? U mentioned before his wife was pregnant i think.Are u still going to marry him?

  • Gail

    June 25, 2015

    Marie,
    I wanted to be clear I am not making fun on your situation it is just so mind blowing to me that your husband did something that insanely stupid.
    I am 44 and I don’t want more kids because well to be frank I feel I am to old and it is not fair to the kids.In your case u r pregnant also so 1 more or 2 more is not a big a deal but because of this baby he will have to give equal time both places where he would have been free had he just thought ahead.
    Listen though u said your husband is not a liar.I personally do not believe that he married his second wife for a specific time to raise the kids and then move on.I do believe he lied to u about that to be frank.The real reason I believe he did the contract was because they may have had a hard time getting along int the past and he wanted a way out should she turn her rage on him after marriage and they start back into old patterns.
    Had he really married her to get the kids grown then leave well she would not be pregnant right now and he would have been more careful seems to me.

  • Gail

    June 25, 2015

    Marie,
    I am sorry but that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.Is this some kind of Mutta marriage? Well out of that stupid idea he now has another kid to raise so pat him on the back and let him know he did a very good job.lol
    I am not laughing or making fun on u at all as it is not your fault your husband has no horse sense so to speak.Most men don’t as we have figured out here.Really how on earth if his kids r teens already then why bother if he didn’t want a marriage with her.It would have been better he stayed like he was more than risk having more kids.Well u know what they say u can’t argue with STUPID and obviously they are in it now for the long haul.hahaha

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @Gail,

    Yeap, I believe too that most of the men lie out of fear. They expect to get a bad reaction or response from the wives, if they are straight up and are truthful from the gate. Nonetheless, the truth always comes out. The men don’t realize it’s best to get it out in the open and over with instead of prolonging the inevitable. They needs to just man up, and take the beating.

    Some lie because they just don’t want to hurt their wives. The wives end up hurting anyhow.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @Amy,

    I hear you about all the wars that are happening globally. The sad thing about it is that most of the war are begun by terrorist group who say they are Muslims. It’s a a result of people being disobedient to Allah. No one reads the Quran. If they did no one would be associating themselves with any particular sect. Allah tells us not to divide our religion into sects. sectarianism is huge today. Muslims don’t understand or don’t want to accept that we are one brotherhood. We are simply Muslims. No one would be trying to force Islam on any one if they listened to Allah. Allah says there is no compulsion in Islam. NO ONE has to live Islam. Allah decides who will be Muslim and who won’t be. Who do these people think they are to try to make someone be Muslim and live Islam. They are totally crazy and ignorant.

    Here on the blog, I encourage everyone to read, study and learn the Quran is whatever language they speak. Read it in whatever language is easy for them. Allah said if He wanted everyone to be the same, he would have created them that way.

    People has shied away from Islam because they think they have to learn Arabic and they know they can’t. Several weeks ago, I was in one of the upper class malls here where I live. A sales person asked my wali and I if we are Muslim. He said he was interesting in taking the Shahadah, but someone told him that he should learn Arabic first. We told him don’t wait to take the Shahadah. We told him to read the Quran and learn it in English. We told him to learn his own language.

    If anyone wants to learn Arabic and read the Quran in it, good for them. But people shouldn’t be all over new Shahadah’s or someone with an interest in Islam who is non-Muslim, hitting them with they need to learn Arabic, minimizing their own language. Allah says many people mislead others from the path of Allah. It’s one way they are doing it. Yes, Allah determines who will be Muslim. We are still accountable for what we do.

    Amy, I understand your husband and you wanting your children to learn Arabic. Your husband is an Arab apparently and he wants his children familiar with his culture. What I said above has nothing to do with you other than I didn’t want anyone mislead here. Let’s all read the Quran, as much as is easy for each of us in whatever language we can read it in.

  • Amy

    June 24, 2015

    My husband and his family have very strict beliefs when it comes to someone living with you. If you are a girl or women they could
    Never stay at a house with makes of age in it. Can’t sleep over at cousins house wih make cousins. Stuff like that. And certainly no unmarried women would live in someone else’s house even to teach or be a maid or anything. They are very strict on that type of stuff. We actually know of one person in tough situation and I said how about we let her live with us in the guest room in the garage appt. She would have her own room with locks. But because our older sons have room on either end of the building he said no it was inappropriate for her. Even though we know our boys would be watched to never go by her room and such. And she is living here in usa alone and staying wih some one we know who she only met recently and she has a husband. But even if the women accepts such a situation. My husband doesn’t accept it for even a stranger. They believe this is bad for her reputation.

    We have girl cousins of our kids now young women and it would be nice if one could visit us for year or so, have a vacation to visit America and help wih the arabic. But because we have oler boys that are now young men. It is not allowed for the protection of the girls themselves and their reputations. It is a little strict but I am now use to it.

    The situation in Pakistan is horrible. I pray for all theoe suffering in the heat. Isn’t this the second time this summer they have had severe heat and many people dying from it. We have pretty hot days right now about 100 with heat index. But we are extremely blessed to have air conditioning. And to be fasting while suffering in such heat, may Allah give them such strength and blessings for their suffering.

    Wow. One week of Ramadan already. Alhumdillalah!! This year I got bladder infection and it wiped me out for he first few days. I am finally starting to get my energy back. Alhumdillalah boy it feels nice! I hear you on the trips to the bathroom. With trying to fight off this infection I have had even more trips back and forth. It never fails as soon as you fall asleep you have to wake back up to go again. I swear I got to ten times the last day.

    It is sad that her husband doesn’t accept that he is to blame for the children’s sickness. But it certainly didn’t help any that his second wife has five children now and none of those are sick. He is uneducated though and that education and explore to life thru college if possible really makes a difference in how you see and understand much more of what is happening in the world. She lives in usa with her kids. She is better off here really. Arab kids and even adults can be very mean when it comes to children who are sick and not Normal. They were always teases and made fun of in school when they lived overseas. Teachers weren’t of much help to them either. People there lack the knowledge and understanding about sicknesses, and mental health too. It is a very sad world for someone suffering with one of these issues in many countries around the world. I mean it is tough in America too but way worse in overseas cultures.

    I know culture to a point anyways. Is very important to my husband and his family. Several of his siblings moved back overseas for good over the last ten years or so. This was due to the children and then wanting to make sure they got their deen language and values in many ways from better way than what usa has to offer.

    Our house is by no means Americanized. With the exception of our slacking off wih language these last few years and more American TV has came to play in our house. Otherwise food, religion, dressing, manners etc they are arab culture or Islamic ways. I say our most American thing is steak and mashed potatoes dinner. But my husband says everyone loves steak. It isn’t just an American thing so that doesn’t count.
    Even when we bbq my hamburgers have spices in them 99% of the time. My hus and won’t eat plain American hamburgers. Over the last ye or two my kids have decided they like bbq chicken so I have been able to put bbq sauce on some of the chicken when we bbq. Otherwise the more complicated and hard work arab food to make, that is what my kids ask for all the time. The harder it is to make it, it seems to only make it their more favorite.

    I am kind of surprised to hear so many people in polygamy and yet leading such separate and different lives.

    I have now been married much longer than I was ever alive before I got married. So I guess I have grown accustomed to see things differently than just what I grew up with. Having married so young I grew up to certain degree in new culture and now many things feel normal and I wouldn’t know how to live differently. It is crazy to think that so many years can really alter you way of thinking of what is now normal to you.
    I hope everyone is having a good Ramadan. I hope fasting is not too hard on you. I pray for the people suffering in the war torn areas and high heat areas to get some relief. My personal belief is human beings as a whole, we don’t really deserve to be here alive on this earth. It is a shame allah gave everyone free will at times. So many people are suffering at the hands of others right now. Dying, starving, suffering everywhere. It is such a shame that human beings can do such things to other human beings with souls and lives. Inshallah the Ummahs prayers will be heard and answered this Ramadan and relief will come for those suffering. !!!

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @coco, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, my dear sister. Ramadan Mubarak to you!

    I’ve been thinking of you, Sis. I was hoping you’d stop in soon. All is good with me, Alhumdulliah.

    I too was thinking of the conversation that we had last year Ramadan. I got a lot of chuckles from think about it. Yes, it rough drinking all the water and heading for the commode after suhoor, interrupting sleep. 🙁 Last year, I had said how nice it would be to be able to just stay on the commode and sleep. The way it is now, it’s like sleep walking. We have to laugh about it. I can’t believe another Ramadan is here again so quickly.

    I thought about you the other day when I caught a glimpse of the fashion event in Milan. I said you must be soooo busy with your work in Pakistan.

    I’ve been reading about the heatwave in the country and all the deaths. How very sad it is 🙁 I’m glad you’re still cool and alive – not a cool body from death. I will make duah for you and the folks there.

    Sis, don’t think about not being able to get here more to contribute. I’m soooo happy you pop in and give us a holla lol. I love hearing from you. It’s all good. I’m blessed to know you, my dear sister. You have so much compassion and warmth. I could use some of it. Insha Allah, I’ll get it together soon with the help and permission of Allah.

    About Umair, yes, I too am happy he is here. I’m glad you mention that Umair is a male. I didn’t know whether the person was a male or female and I was too embarassed to ask. Silly me. I can’t differentiate between some of the names, whether they are female or male gender.

    Insha Allah, pop back in when you get a free moment from time to time. It’s a pleasure hearing from you, sis coco XXXOOO

  • coco

    June 24, 2015

    Assalaamualeikum and a GINORMOUS Hello to all the beautiful sisters!!!
    Firstly a late Ramadan Mubarak and a warm welcome to all the newbies here!!! ☺️

    I’ve been going cray cray with my work load the pressure is ON and the heat wave in Karachi is agonizing! Alhumdulilah we are able to enjoy the luxury of air conditioner while thousands and thousands are sitting with no electricity for 17 hours a day in the heat while fasting May Allah bless us with rain and help the people dying of heat stroke. The toll is over 1000 how sad! Sisters please do include everyone here in your prayers. I try to follow the blog when I have a few spare minutes but fail miserable to contribute these days hopefully that will change soon.

    Ana how have you been? I think of you often sister especially after suhoor remembering that we both would have a hard time heading to bed after the excess water drunk lol Many of your wise words are embedded in my head and just pop up right when I need them I am so blessed to have found a kindred soul as yourself. I have to also point out I’m so so pleased to see Umair here. Hopefully his continuing contribution will help others here on the blog immensely a man’s perspective is fresh I hope to read more from him. Amy I loved reading your posts it’s a different world altogether when an entire family embraces polygamy I’m sure the woman are able to let off steam, vent with each other and actually have people “GET” it. You seem like a strong woman and you will get through this test if it’s in your fate to face it. Farrah very good point raised!!! Mari2 as I’ve said many times before your posts are so precious to me as your experiences opens up my perspective I’m taking notes sister and learning vicariously through you and I thank you for that. ☺️

    Much love to all my sisters here, it’s nice to know some of you are quite content with how life is at the moment, but for the ones who aren’t keep patient good times always follow bad times!!! xo ❤️

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @Amy,

    I finished reading your story. Indeed, you have been through a whole lot. You made it through with the help and permission of Allah. You weathered the storm, so if a polygamous marriage is what Allah had decreed for you to live, Insha Allah, you should prevail. Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bare. We put the additional burden on ourselves.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @Amy,

    It sound peculiar that your husband holds a threat over your head that he’d marry another, if you don’t or can’t teach the children Arabic. He said the ONLY reason he wants to marry another, and wants her to speak Arabic is so she could teach the children Arabic. Well, if it is the ONLY reason, as Farah said, why can’t he hire tutors or teachers to teach the children Arabic? If he wants the teacher around full-time, he could hire a full-time, live-in teacher/tutor the same as people do with maids. Why he’s got to sleep with her, if he only want her to teach the kids Arabic Smells fishy to me. He’s got to come better than that.

    I agree with Farah that your husband doesn’t seem to be honest about the matter. Although he doesn’t need a reason to marry, it doesn’t mean he should not be truthful when he puts forth a reason. The reason he gave makes no sense and to threaten you with it is worse. Why can’t he teach the children the Arabic himself?

    I agree with Ummof4 that you should not learn Arabic to compete with a new wife in your husband’s life, nor to prevent your husband from marrying another. Just because your husband wants another wife who is Arabic speaking doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen. Allah determine who we marry. He determines if a husband will be polygamous or not, as well. He decides all things.

    Try not to beat up on yourself and be over critical. Most women become a bit insecure when they learn their husbands will marry others or want to. You are good just the way you are, unless you feel the need to try to improve something to make you happier, not just your husband. Just because your husband wants another wife doesn’t mean you’re lacking in any areas or he finds you unattractive now. Most men desire women. Allah put the desire in men and He has allows polygamy for them.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @Amy,

    Thank you much for sharing about the many polygamous families that you are pretty much up close and personal with now and know. I enjoyed reading about all of them. They all seem to have very nice setups. I love knowing they all function like a family. It is very much different than most of the stories that we’ve been hearing about here on the blog, as you stated.

    It caught my eye when you said the one husband blames the wife for the children being sick and he doesn’t consider that his genes may have contributed to it, as well. Mari2, here on the blog told us about her sister-in-law who is having the same problem with her husband. Their child is autistic and he blames it on the wife. Some men are just so jacked up. If it were me, I’d have to, for instance say, what makes you so sure your sperm didn’t do it? When one starts passing blame like it, I say it’s time for both to get tested.

    Anyhow, it’s nice to hear that your in-laws and all the families are making it work with polygamy. It’s a beautiful thing.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone,

    Please note there are now two Farah’s here on this blog now. It may get confusing. I think one farah most of the time had been blogging with a small case “f”. The new “Farah” popped in and didn’t introduce herself. I learned it’s a different Farah blogging with a Upper case “F” in the name. Insha Allah, we will keep each straight. I usually ask the newcomer to choose another name or add something to it so we could differentiate. I wanted to alert everyone that they are different individuals.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2015

    @marie,

    I understand better now. I didn’t know your husband and his other did a contracted marriage for a specific time period. I suppose they could extend the contract. After all, only Allah knows the future. I suppose they didn’t consider that when they planned and entered the contract.

  • Farah

    June 24, 2015

    @Amy: So your husband wants a second wive to have someone fluent in Arabic for your children?
    What a strange argument. It would be much easier, cheaper and make more sense to hire an Arabic teacher for some hours per week or send you children to an Arabic school or something. But really telling you he would marry for such a reason when he knows this causes you pain? I don’t believe it…

    I think honesty is very important in a relationship and in this case I have the feeling that your husband is not completely honest with you regarding this topic.

  • ummof4

    June 24, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Amy, I too knew of a Muslim man who married a second wife and one of his major reasons was that she was an Arabic teacher who could teach him and his wife Arabic. Another reason for marrying her was that she was considered an old maid in her country and had not been able to find a husband because she was 40 years old. But remember, men do not need to give their reasons for marrying any wife, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. I’m sure he was attracted to her as well. They did marry and the husband visited the second wife several times a year and they communicated daily on Skype because she lived in another country. She did teach the husband and his first wife Arabic. Both wives got along well and communicated online and by Skype. After a year, the husband divorced the second wife for reasons that did not concern the first wife. Both wives still communicate and are long distance friends.

    Amy, it seems to me that the reality is that your husband feels that he is losing his culture, not just the Arabic language. So he feels that having a wife that shares the same culture from birth will help keep it in the family; Arabic is just a part of the culture. Men can marry wives for any reason, and this is just one of his reasons. I’m sure he has more, none of which he has to tell anyone.

    Amy, you are probably stronger than you think. You have been married 24 years through thick and thin, and love your husband and your children. You will most likely feel pain if your husband marries another wife, and it wouldn’t matter if she is 24 or 54. We have all felt this pain, and believe me, it lessens as time goes by. It also can be like a roller coaster, with good years and bad years, good months and bad months, good days and bad days. But any marriage can be like that, monogamous or polygynous. When I read what you have been through with your husband over the past 24 years, I believe polygyny will be easy for you, once you get over the initial emotions. The marriage will only happen by the permission of Allah.

    Focus on pleasing Allah and getting closer to His obedience.

    Amy, any study of Arabic should be for your own benefit, not to compete with a prospective wife. And I do agree that it is beneficial for all Muslims to learn the language of the Qur’aan. However, not being fluent in Arabic does not mean that one is not a righteous Muslim or a true believer.

    Everyone please try to maximize your Ramadan benefits.

  • Marie

    June 24, 2015

    Gail, Ana
    I don’t really know what to say. I guess my situation is different. I’m not married to a liar. There’s really nothing more to it than they didn’t want to be married/deal with each other for that long. It was always a finish what we started situation and then go on with our lives.

  • Amy

    June 24, 2015

    We have talked more about second wife again tonight. His main issue is our two little
    Kids don’t have their arabic language. Over the last few years we have all slipped in this. He first. He used to speak to thenoldermkids in more arabic. My mother in law lived with us for good chunk of first 15 yrs of marriage. That made a huge difference. We had other family members of his that lived wih is off and on for 15 plus years also. Everyone speaking arabic and helping reinforce our little kids to learn Arabic.

    I learned much more in the beginning years and have definetly slacked off the last few years. I don’t like that either. I figured years ago by now I would be able to read. I still can’t. I really have been pushing it off. Getting older is not going to help me any in it being any easier to learn.

    He swears to me that by being married to someone fluent in Arabic we would have that in the house for our kids. That is his main reason for second wife. Other than that he doesn’t want it. He said if we ( me and the older kids) are willing to push ourselves to get he little kids learning Arabic then he will give the idea up.

    He believes Allah will punish him in the end of life of he hasn’t made sure his kids have learned arabic and of course deen too.

    I can understand that. But I told him second wife changes everything for us in so many ways forever. And there are huge consequences for it also for things. That is a huge test that can really hurt is now and the end of life if we fail it.

    I am willing to work on the arabic. Not just because I don’t want to deal with a second wife. But also because I need to learn it. Maybe this is the push Allah is giving me to stop being lazy about it and get on the ball. I haven’t tried pushing myself for the last few years.

    Things have gotten harder as the kids grew older. We couldn’t go overseas each year like we use to for so many years and spend the summer there. Now my older kids have gotten bigger and started driving. I need to reevaluate my thinking. Maybe take the little kids and go if available to and the older kids can always take care of themselves a for a time.

    Being overseas always helped me get crash course of new words and arabic language in General. I have many family members there that don’t speak any English so I have to learn so I can communicate with them.

    Although these days the new phone apps are something I think can help me more than ever. I have some that give meanings of new words each day. And I can look up words and even get pronunciation. I find trying to read and understand how to say words from the English transliteration so difficult. Don’t ask me why. It looks like Russian to me.

    I was secretly praying asking allah for his polygamy not to be my test right now. I certainly don’t want a test of something worse like my children’s health. I will take the polygamy Over that any day. I keep reminding myself of that. And I will keep reminding myself even more so that if it does ever happen I may say Alhumdillalah this test came to me instead of one of my children getting sick.

    I read the story of the lady that her husband asked for second wife and she said no then later he passed away and later she ends up being the second wife of someone else. It brought me to tears.

    But I am not scared to go out and work to support my kids. That is much easier than polygamy to me. Even if I barely can scrape by. I accept that. Being alone and so busy and tired grime irk and your kids is easier than time to sit snd think and hurt yourself more with thoughts of your husband and second wife.

    If only allah didn’t make women have such jealously issues. I think it is so unfair that we are given these traits and the the very traits hurt us to death in things he says are allowed by deen.

    I feel sadness when I see so many women suffering because of the wars happening now. I don’t wish for women to never get married. They have a right to a husband too. I understand that. Why must allah make it so difficult on us emotionally?

    At the same time sometimes I think, I have had 24 yrs of marriage. Some never get that much. They lose spouse to death. War, sickness etc. It would be easier to just move over and let a second wife take my place and me start new chapter in life alone and away from the pain and hurt of dealing with polygamy. Then I wousl not be dealing with the test I know.
    I am very secure in my age. Even my looks for the most part. I am not beautiful but normal in looks. But I always felt my personality makes up for whatever I miss in looks. My spirit my strength. But the thought of someone in the 20’s to marry my husband sure makes me think. What a difference. Such different stages in life! One second stage. The other going from third to forth stage or so. To think we have a son almost 24. It could be like marrying one of your kids! Ugh! ( there is a lady divorced living in usa having hard time alone her family left her and not helping her, this sparked such thoughts she is 24)

    I am 40. My husband 47. I got married at 16.

    Our first child is not my biological son. I above raised him since a baby. But I had to deal with that situation for few years. His mother gave him up by time he was three and had been gone ever since. He is truly my child in my eyes.

    Few years ago my husband went to federal prison for 1 1/2 yrs for tax issue with our business.

    We have had great financial losses over the years several times where we have had to work our way back above water. Even right now we have been slowly fighting to get back to financial level from like 15 years ago. I have up my house we built many years ago when we had tax issues and problems.

    They tried to deport my husband from usa many years ago for their own mistakes. A few years of fighting it in court, huge emotional turmoil and we eventually won!

    My husband has bad back problems that took over our lives for years. It got so bad he could hardly move. Dr after dr just kept telling us to deal with it. It would never be fixable or get better. I refused to give up and kept pushing and learning more and asking more dr for specialists. Until we finally found someone with answers and a surgery to help. He still has pain but is more manageable now. He will probably have to have the surgery again at some point but at least their is help and hope.

    These are down of the tests I have been thru already with my husband. I just wonder if allah will accept I have been thru enough already. Must I deal with this type of a test also.

    I pray that maybe I am being given a chance to push myself and learn my arabic. Learn to read. So I can read Quran. I need to be able to do that!!! Maybe he is giving me a push now wih the threat of second wife to help me do what I need it do for myself and my kids. I need the language. I need to be able to read Quran. And help my kids to learn to read Quran.

    this blog is near and dear to my heart though. Even if I am lucky or should I say blessed by allah that I may not have to go thru it. Because there are so many close people to me dealing with it every day. I try to be good with them. And help the cope. Not be mean. Or make trouble ever. I can’t imagine the pain they fee inside. I have seen them cry at times. I have seen some of their pain. But I know the pain I have felt with the bought a of it. And I know they must feel some really horrible pain when they are alone with themselves in their heads also.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    Another thing. Your husband said he did not love his other wife. He could not have been lying because he divorced her. You have been trying to get him to do Polygamy again with her and he flat out refuses. Therefore, he could not have been lying when he said he did not and does not love her.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    Thank you much for welcoming Amy. I second the advice you gave her. I haven’t finished reading her yet. I only got to the first post.

    @Amy,

    What Gail said is sooo true. You are way normal. What you are going through is nothing out of the norm when it comes to polygamous marriages such as the one you’re in. You are way fortunate as you have people to turn to who are living this in his family. You’re not alone by a long shot. It’s all good. I’ll be back, if it pleases Allah, to chat with you.

    I really feel for you though about the depression. It’s what I refer to as an earthly Hell. The pain you feel, another commentator had said it is the “mother of all pain.” It’s a doozy. You can get through it thought. There are living witnesses to it on this blog. You’ll be okay!

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Gail,

    Wow, I didn’t think about what you said to Marie. It makes sense. Marie says the co is older. He may very well have been counting on her children being older soon and will possibly leave the nest, leaving more time for he and she to relax together, chill out, and maybe do some traveling. One never knows what she and he had planned.

    I’m sure he is concerned, as well, about finances. It’s costly financing a baby. Two babies at the same time will be a bit much for anyone who isn’t fairly wealthy. No one knows what the husband plans with each wife. Time will certainly tell though.

    I just couldn’t get with him being happy about the one wife having a baby and totally turned off about the other one having one. It seemed odd to me, especially since she had children with him already and he later married her. I got a feeling there has to be more to it.

  • Gail

    June 23, 2015

    Amy,
    Welcome to the blog! I am Gail and I was in Polygamy for 8 yrs.Hubby is from Pakistan.I will say everything u r going through is sooo normal.U r lucky though because u actually have family members that r polygamous so u know exactly what to expect.
    As u know Polygamy can be heaven or Hell or somewhere in between depending on the parties involved.At least be thankful he is giving u a heads up because mine was not like that at all.
    Just hang in there and focus on u and not your husband and what he is doing and u should be fine.

  • Gail

    June 23, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    I have been saying this for years to my own husband.He would tell me he don’t love her and for to flat ask her.Even one time he flat said in front of her had he ever told her he loved her.I was floored what the heck he is doing.I don’t know if he was grasping at straws to keep me or he really did not love her but man it was so horrible to witness it.
    A light bulb when off in my head and said no he is trying to play me and she is with him on all this crap.
    little by little i start figuring out men tell woman what they think the woman wants to here but little do they know the woman just wants the truth to make an informed choice about her life.
    Really men r cowards as far as most go and are scared to tell the truth.I have always said to lie is nothing but fear and only a fearful person lies.

  • Gail

    June 23, 2015

    Mari,
    I want to chime in here and say something about your husbands situation with his 1st family/second wife and yourself.I notice u really seem to be caught up in being the favorite wife.I used to think the same thing but I don’t anymore I figured out with men it is pretty much love the one your with.I only believe u r the favorite wife when he with u and the same for his other wife.Yes he is depressed about her getting pregnant obviously if they have older children already almost grown.He might have been thinking her home was going to be children free in a few yrs and a great relaxation place would be my guess.I know I and my husband are in our 40s and we don’t want more children in fact we would cry if it happen to be honest.I don’t know this to be a fact but I am sure he loves her there is no doubt.Listen don’t lie to yourself and say oh he loves me more than her even if he tells u he does because u r setting yourself up with pride.I did this thinking oh he loves me more when in fact she was in the picture before me and he obviously had feelings for her and he that he is not wanting to obviously share with me.So don’t believe a lie over the truth was mainly the point I want to to make to u.I am sure u know what I mean when I say u feel pride thinking u r the top dog.lol
    Listen he may very well be in a slump with her right now but that can change anytime and next year u and him maybe in a slump and they maybe happy and enjoying their life together.Things change on a dime as we all know.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I love your post! It is a very good post that I’m sure will be very helpful to all of us. Men think they help women when they make the other wives seem insignificant. They minimize the other wives importance. They make is seem they are only with the other woman to help her out. He makes it seem as though he’s doing her a favor or he really doesn’t want to be there with her. Saying those things hurts the wife. It definitely doesn’t help. It’s not good for either wife that he does that.

    If the husband is just straight up and doesn’t lie, it is way better. We move forward when the husbands are on the up and up. The truth usually come out anyhow and the truth found out in a roundabout way really hurts much more. The truth upfront is a lot easier to cope with, as you said.

    I appreciate the moments or episodes I have (and they become far and few inbetween) because I find it is a breakthrough for me. It’s huge. I move to another level and it feels good 🙂 Thank you again, Ruqayyah!

  • Ruqayyah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ana yes I knew it was all bullshit he was divorcing her for their own reasons. We’ve had a loooong talk about how we cannot minimize her importance when I 1st found out I was emotionally vulnerable and the 1st 2 days he kept saying how he didn’t care about her, didn’t love her, wanted her out of his life, felt used by her etc. It was MUCH harder to cope I felt I had the upper hand and tried to have some control. Thankfully once he opened up to me more I saw little things that made me see he did care for her and vice versa. It made it easier to sit back and say she’s his wife and she might need him too right now, she cares for him too and I wouldn’t like for her to stop him from being with me. Nor would he feel good leaving me alone in my time of need.
    I don’t feel too guilty about my few days of anger and depression it was good for him to learn that minimizing the other wife’s importance doesn’t protect anyone. The truth is a lot easier to cope with.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Amy,

    Welcome to the 411. It is so nice having you here with us. Don’t concern yourself with how much you write. Lengths of post doesn’t matter here. It’s all good.

    I read your first post. I’m a bit tied up right now. I want to reply to you indepth when I have more time and I’m not rushed.

    It seems our Sis Ruqayyah has something in common with you in that her husband would like to become polygamous, as well. She may have something to say in the interim, if she has a free moment.

    I intend to get back to you just as soon as I can, so please don’t think I’m ignoring you. Again, it’s nice to have you here.

  • Amy

    June 23, 2015

    All of the polygamy relationships I know of are quite different than many on here. They are governed more by big family type of thinking. There have been some issues over time but mostly everyone has to get along.

    I have many brother in laws married to more than one. I can honestly say each wife has wonderful qualities. We all try very hard to treat each the same in regards to kindness and welcoming in the family. They take care of each other’s children with warm regards and as their own at most times.

    For the most part the kids are free to go and come to eithers house at anytime.

    For the ones who live in same city/area, it is one night with one then the other most of the time.
    One has wives that live in different countries. He goes to one when is allowed. He has issues that govt won’t allow him to go as he pleases. So they take what they can get. Both of his wives are gracious and try to be good to each other. I think sometimes it helps when they don’t live by each other. But at the same time there is a lot of heartache because they can’t see each other as wanted. He causes his first wife and children much pain by his depression of not having other wife and children living in same
    Country. So even when you get something it finds a way to hurt everyone also.

    One is away from her husband for few years now. They don’t get along well. And the new wife learned how to handle the husband much better. Have less fighting and issues all the time. I don’t see their situation changing anytime soon. He is uneducated. And they have sick children. He sees it her fault more than both of their genes. She lives in one country he In another.

    One brother In law, his wife is like second mother to me. It was difficult to see him marry. She accepted it and was involved in the whole thing from start. She embraced allah to help her. Her co wife is the nicest most honest never hurt anyone person in the world. If I had a co wife like her I would be ecstatic. She was definetly rewarded by allah with a wonderful co wife for her faith in Allah.

    There is another marriage where they were married like 20 yrs with no children. He insisted for years he didn’t want any. She had several miscarriages. After so many yrs of family bugging him to marry for children he finally decided he wanted some children. He married someone who was divorced with one child. She has had two children now. She is also very nice person. She and the other wife get along and work together. They make it work.

    Those are some of my experiences with polygamy.

    One thing that interests me at times is the Mormons. How certain sects believe they have to have co wife to get to heaven. I know this is not Islam. But boy it certainly would make it easier to live thru at times if that were the case.

    I watch the sister wives show on tv and it helps give more insight to polygamy even when in different religion. I try to reflect back to that when in thinking of wives and differences in personally etc. He loves them all and each is so different. And they don’t question if he loves each one of them either. They accept it.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    Marie,

    I’ll forgive you for that one. I know you’re pregnant and it is the hormones talking. It’s okay.

  • Marie

    June 23, 2015

    OK Ana, if you say so. It appears no one accepts polygamy and is a believer but you.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    Marie, everyone on the blog knew you were talking about your husband. We certainly knew you weren’t talking about some other man. In previous posts you had been saying your hubz or hubby or something to that effect. You made it a point to let us know he’s your husband and not hers…

  • Amy

    June 23, 2015

    Hi, I have been reading for little while now. I feel like I am beginning to know many of you. It almost feels a bit stalker-ish! (Lol)

    Anyways my story is this,
    I am a convert. I have been married 24 yrs. the issue of 2nd wife has come up few times over the years. Each time it throws me into a serious depression. It has never been something acted upon yet or with someone specific in mind. More of theory.

    Polygamy is abundant in my husbands family. His father and uncles were all married to more than one wife. Several of his brothers and cousins are all married to more than one wife. Each has their own level of success.

    Sometimes I think I may be able to handle it. But recently I broke down and decided I could not and must walk away for my sanity. The pain of even thinking about it is so intense. I end up in bed crying all day. Trying to find way to cope. The depression takes control and I can’t even find joy in my children.

    That is where I said, enough, if this is how I will be, this is not a life. I can’t take care of my children correctly when I am so depressed and in miserable pain. So angry at my husband for something he hasn’t even done yet. Let alone how I will handle it if he did it.

    But at the same time reading all of your posts, they make sense to me. I understand that we all have tests.

    my husband wants someone who doesn’t speak English much at all. He wants someone to help with arabic for our children. We recently moved across country and our children use to have arabic at school and now they don’t.

    But of course I am sure that is not completely all. He thinks polygamy is normal and allowed. As much as I would not like to think he would enjoy sleeping with another wife I am sure that is not true. He says it work be different. I can understand that part. Also we have 24 yrs of time together. We have learned with each other. There is no way they will have the same type of relationship quickly. Time counts.

    But being a convert and non native. That also scares me. She will have pluses in the areas I lack.

    In regards to living situation. We have a big house with a couple bedroom apartment separate. So he won’t accept two different houses. She would have to be ok with same living but seperate living quarters each with their own kitchen bathroom living room etc.

    Although that is more of a formality. Because his experience is more team type living. Where everyone is big family type thing. But each still has their own space at the same time.

    I still am on the fence. But I am coming around to the fact that allah is the boss of everything. He decided what will happen whether I want it or not. Can I handle it or not?
    It would be easier to accept if it just presents itself by chance one day not if he goes out and searches for it.

    I feel so bad for so many women in the war situations these days. I wish that it would be someone of such a bad situation like that. I don’t let that would really make it any easier to deal with or not.

    There is so many other aspects of it. So much to say in one post right now.

  • Marie

    June 23, 2015

    Ana, I’d love to say you got it right. Of course their is love and affection in their marriage, trust me no man would be doing what my husband is doing is he didn’t ALREADY love the woman. ‘other’ didn’t have time for a marriage blossom and grow, she needed someone who already cared, already loved her and understood the situation. I refer to ‘the’ husband as “my husband” out of habit. If Im talking to the sisters at the masjid for example I don’t say oh “our husband is outside to pick me up” or “our husband is taking me for a meal” I say my husband, Im well aware he has another wife and I’m sure she says my instead of our. I don’t need to say our husband for it to be plain and clear to ME that he has another wife. In my situation there is no way I could see her as insignificant or less than me because of the things that my husband does for her. He puts a lot of effort into their marriage and puts up with a lot. going against his desires to do things right. If all this effort didn’t tell me how much he cares for her then I don’t know what would. But you can care and love someone and not want to be tied to them for the next 16 years.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    When you said “marriage of convenience” I got confused. I always have know marriages of convenience to be what used to happen back in the day. For instance, women were marrying men so he could get a “Green Card” and she’d get paid. Once he got the “Green Card” and she got whatever money they agreed upon, they’d divorce. It was all planned out.

    You said your husband married the other for this, that and the other reason and she married him for this that and the other reason. It’s usually how it works when people get married. People weigh the pros and the cons. They find benefits to marry besides being in love, if they aren’t in love. If they aren’t in love when they first marry, many times they come to love the spouse later.

    I think what happens with most women in polygamous marriages is they all try to rationalize why they are the chosen one over the other wives. They try to minimize the significance of the other wife to the husband. They make up excuses for why the husband is with the other wife. They want to take love and affection out of the equation. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism Just about all wives have done it when in polygamous marriages or are still doing it. Each wants to be the superior wife.

    I sensed it in your last writings. In both you referred to him as, “my husband”. You didn’t say, “our husband”. You didn’t say, “He”. You made a point of saying your when you know good and well he is her husband too, regardless of what you think he married her for.

    Until a woman can get past that stage of not wanting to believe the other woman is important to the husband, that they are husband and wife and there is love and affection between them, there is no room for growth and the wife can’t move forward in acceptance of living a polygamous lifestyle.

  • Marie

    June 23, 2015

    Oh of course my husband is going to have sex with her. I doubt it would be all work and no play lol

  • Marie

    June 23, 2015

    The convenience is for both of them. Firstly my husband can be around his kids without having to ‘ask’ or be told when, where and how. It convenient for her because she didn’t have to find someone to ‘fit’ in to her schedule. I cant put her life on here, but as much as I can say is, she would have a rough time finding someone to put up with and do the things my husband does. I think it was easier for her to marry the father of her children who already new her situation and what she’s about. As opposed to a new man who would probably run like his shoes was on fire. Maybe they did which is why she changed her mind after a year and asked my husband to marry her

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    Marie,

    Marie,

    I don’t understand marriage for convenience. Who’s convenience was it for? They both must be having sex in order for her to have gotten pregnant. Is the sex the convenience?

  • Marie

    June 23, 2015

    Ana, you asked why my husband isn’t happy about ‘other’ being pregnant. The reason is because their marriage is one of convenience. They never planned for their marriage to last for years, rather to last as long as my husband was useful to her and he could teach and be around his kids with as little drama as possible. The children they have now are almost grown and then could deal with their father with no drama from the mother. Now they will be having another child this means they will have to deal with each other for many more years to come. Which would be fine with her if he (my husband) wasn’t married to me and me being the preferred wife (she still does not like this). If my husband wanted to appease me then he would have never intended to marry her. That ship has sailed and I’m quite content in my lifestyle. They however are not. It seems the happier I get the more miserable they get. I dunno, and I don’t really care. Maybe they are experiencing the same loss of control I did when they first got married. On a plus side for me, when she gives birth there will be a few weeks when they can’t have sex, as this is the only thing that still bothers me from time to time. Also I can give away all the baby boy things I have as I’m having a girl this time.

    I can see how you could draw the conclusion that my husband wants to make me happy by pretending he’s not happy, but that would be pointless because I can’t think of one downside to her having a baby. I even tried to tell him all the good points but he’s really not interested. In fact I think he’s lost all interest in being polygamous. Strange how things work out sometimes
    Allahu akhbar

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    People believe what they want to believe…

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    It’s the same in Marie’s case. She and her co are both pregnant. He’s telling her that he’s not happy about the co being pregnant, but is happy about Marie. Why isn’t he happy that the co is pregnant? He married her. He makes love to her? She’s his wife. It take a man and woman to make a baby.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    It’s funny though. All these men always tell the first wife – I’ll divorce her if you want me to. It’s bullcrap. They just want the first wife to feel special, good about herself and think she’s better than the other wife and appease her. He expects her to say, Oh okay. Baby. Don’t do that. Tell him yes, divorce her, and see what happens. It’s amazing that he knew how upset and distraught the wife is about him marrying another and it didn’t stop him from doing it. Now that he’s married her and got the goodies he’s ready to say he’ll unload her. It’s all bullcrap. He didn’t need or get permission to marry her. He had his mind made up and did it. Now suddenly he wants permission to divorce her. It’s all game. It’s the same with the men telling wives who married second that he doesn’t love the first wife and don’t have sex with her. He says it to appease her, make her feel good about herself, make her feel she’s better than the other wife and stay in the marriage.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ruqayyah

    I understand. It’ll all be okay. Just try to relax and go with the flow. Eventually he may get frustrated and tired of chasing something that may not be for him.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ana I considered that but no. I liked her before I knew she was leaving. He said “I’ll divorce her for your sake” and I said no I can’t have my sister in islam divorced for no reason… I liked her before I knew she was going for good as I thought it was all temporary.
    It more just bothers me not that he’s looking but more that we can’t settle down already, there’s so much planning of this and that will happen in poly yet when we’re in it he keeps it secret until it ends. I need to finish this chapter of my life and just learn to cope. The waiting is the hard part.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    I don’t know if I could be content with a husband that’s trying to run down some other woman all the time, and can’t live in the moment in his relationship with me. I’m the type of person that would tell him to just go and find what he wants and I go on my merry way and be with some type someone who wants to be in a relationship with me and focused – not someone chasing tail.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It very well could be that you are liking the woman and wanting her in your life now cuz you know she’s on her way out or wants out. People tend to get right with and accept something that is no longer a threat. If he and she are doing well and showing and giving each other love is when true your true feelings will surface. I doubt you changed over night. His and her situation changed so you changed back to the old Ruqayyah. When the variables change, everything changes.

    You said you’re sad cuz he is out looking again. If you are a changed person it shouldn’t matter. No woman has to get along with the co to ACCEPT polygamy. Accepting polygamy and Allah’s decree, doesn’t mean a woman accepts it, if she’s okay with the co. You need to do some real soul searching about what’s really going on with you and be honest with yourself.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 23, 2015

    I don’t know her exact reason for leaving. I spoke to her and let her know if it were the situation that was making her unhappy we could work on it becoming more fair. She let me know it wasn’t the problem but I didn’t feel it was fair to push the issue as I had literally just met her so I didn’t feel comfortable asking why she felt the need to leave. She said she was very happy and he was good to her. I’m just as confused but, it has to be her decision if it were mine she’d be here right now.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 23, 2015

    @Ina yes I agree telling me was pointless but looking back I think he was warming up to tell me anyways but he let it slip after she said she might leave. It feels selfish but he was hurting I guess.
    she knew everything but I was kept in the dark about their marriage, I couldn’t sleep and had major mood swings so when she asked for time he said not today as I needed him. Instead of being angry she said okay take care of your wife.

  • Ina

    June 23, 2015

    @ Ruqayyah,

    It seems your husband has caused a hurricane in your part of the world and left you devastated again. If his 2nd marriage was breaking up so soon, it seems a pointless to tell you about it. You don’t tell us the exact reason as to why they have decided to divorce so soon but I was wondering if it’s because he kept you a secret from the 2nd wife? Is that why she lost on on time once you found out and why she ask him to take care of you first?

  • Ruqayyah

    June 22, 2015

    @Ana I’m so sad I thought this was finally over and I would get to know my co wife and we’d settle down etc but sadly not over yet. I’m trying not to think about it I’m just glad he’s doing things the right way instead of Internet etc. He saw how good this situation was as opposed to crazy jealous women he had someone who cared for his family too.

    His reason is basically that he enjoys it taking care of women, he thinks it’ll be good for our family and he doesn’t have much family support so he wants that in his wives. There are a few reasons he wants it but no 1 solid 1. I’m hopeful to be friends as its his priority as well as mine, but only tine will tell what Allah has in store.

    I miss my co wife, I feel like I lost something huge, someone who lost out on time when I found out and told my husband to take care of me 1st. I’m scared for the future. There’s a lot of crazies out there.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Forgive me, but I forgot. What reason has your husband given you for his need to have another wife and continue the search? I know he needs no reason to marry another, but by chance did he say why he thinks he needs another wife so badly?

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2015

    @Ruqayyah, SMH,

    My dear, sweet little sister-in-faith, my heart goes out to you. You’ve got your hands full. Stay strong and keep the faith

  • Ruqayyah

    June 22, 2015

    @Ana yep I agree with his comment and funnily enough it was exactly how my husband’s 2nd marriage was done. I’d explained to him the islamic perspective. His friend was looking for his sister they knew both their personalities and knew they’d get along and they did and do still.

    And we’re back to searching again hopefully to find someone who will stick round. If possible he will take her back in the future but Allah knows best. I’m okay with that but not holding onto any hope

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2015

    Umair gave a very good description of how the Pakistani men and women arrange marriages. It seems a very good sensible way to go about making an effort to pair a couple to have a lasting marriage. She stated the father, brother et al. investigate the man whom their beloved one is considering marrying. They do a thorough background check on the man and his family and friends before they allow her to marry him.

    I think it’s very good that it’s done that way. It prevents men and women from approaching marriage lightly. The men in the family make sure there is an appropriate dowry. They have a wedding that is publicized. It is a serious matter. Everyone has made an investment in the matter. The people investigating find out before the marriage whether it should be a good fit. When the intent is made there is a commitment.

    It is none of this men and women meeting up online or where ever, getting married this week and divorced next week. At least the way it’s done in Pakistan, (not only in Pakistan, but with people serious about marriage) the woman knows her marriage isn’t just just a “booty call”. There probably are some men who just want to give polygamy a try. They figure they’d go get a taste of it, and then if they don’t like it, just go back to what they had. Maybe they’ll get the itch again and go try it again or they had enough and remain monogamous.

    Here is a link to Umair’s comment: https://www.polygamy411.com/marry-pakistani-man/#comment-8037

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think you may have misunderstood my comment. I didn’t say it was unfortunate that Ruqayyah husbands’ marriage didn’t last. My comment was about short-lived marriages that resemble “dating” that seem to be the trend for Muslims these days, based on what I’ve heard. Muslims take advantage of the easiness of getting into and out of marriage. They really date, but call it marriage. They don’t put in any efforts. They don’t put in the time to iron out difference and try to make the marriage work. Marriage takes a lot of hard work, time and effort. If the marriages isn’t easy and simply from jump street they move on to the NEXT. It’s really the mentality of non-Muslims who date. The only difference is Muslims call it marriage.

    I said to Ruqayyah, “I’m a bit shocked to hear that their marriage could be ending and it just started. It doesn’t sound right. It’s the kind of thing I’ve heard quite a bit of that has been happening with Muslims today. Muslims are marrying like their dating. They really are dating, having sex and seeing how they like one another. If they don’t like one another they move on to the next. It’s just dating that non-Muslims do. The only difference is “marriage” is stamped on it. If a Muslim’s life resembles a non-Muslim’s life, something is seriously wrong. He was married once before wasn’t he? How long did it last. Muslims take advantage of the fact that marriage is easy to get in and out of in Islam. They think they are being smart, but they are way dumb, as Allah sees exactly what they are doing. I dunno”

    She said her husband had only married once. I suppose I’ve got it twisted because he was constantly looking and it was this one didn’t work out because of this and that one didn’t workout because of that. She let me know he was only married to another once.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with divorce when people can’t work matters out. I don’t think anyone should stay in a marriage in which they are miserable. I was simply pointing out that trendy marriages among Muslims are common these days. It’s somewhat like the temporary marriages that some Muslims have today that end after a period of time they agree on before the marriage. There was no intention to work it out and stay married. I think it’s a “Muttah” marriage or something.

    Ruqayyah says her husband’s marriage wasn’t like it. Okay, Ruqayyah, it’s not.

  • ummof4

    June 22, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all

    Ramadan Mubarak! May Allah accept all of our fasts and good deeds this month. May we use this blessed month of Ramadan to ask for Allah’s forgiveness and mercy and thank Him for His blessings.

    Ruqayyah, I am glad that you talked to your co-wife and that she is a nice person. She and your husband will decide what to do with their marriage; Alhamdulillah you realize that.

    Ana, you are right, it is unfortunate that some marriages do not last long. However, every situation is different. Some issues cannot be worked out no matter how hard the spouses try. One major change in society today is that if people are miserable in a marriage they will end it. Years ago people stayed married even if they were miserable. May Allah bless us all to have successful, healthy marriages.

    To all the new members of the blog, welcome. To all of the silent members who are readers, we hope that the information and advice shared is helpful to you. Feel free to jump in and get your feet wet whenever you are ready.

    Allahu Akbar ! Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

  • Ruqayyah

    June 22, 2015

    @Ana no its not like that at all. He was never married before but always looking. The girl is very nice and respectable from a good family. Seriously my perfect idea of a co wife but.. there are some problems as always. I wish there wasn’t 🙁

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m a bit shocked to hear that their marriage could be ending and it just started. It doesn’t sound right. It’s the kind of thing I’ve heard quite a bit of that has been happening with Muslims today. Muslims are marrying like their dating. They really are dating, having sex and seeing how they like one another. If they don’t like one another they move on to the next. It’s just dating that non-Muslims do. The only difference is “marriage” is stamped on it. If a Muslim’s life resembles a non-Muslim’s life, something is seriously wrong. He was married once before wasn’t he? How long did it last. Muslims take advantage of the fact that marriage is easy to get in and out of in Islam. They think they are being smart, but they are way dumb, as Allah sees exactly what they are doing. I dunno 🙁

  • Ruqayyah

    June 21, 2015

    @Ana I’m glad he did it the way he did but I wish I’d known sooner. It may not last she is deciding what to do if she wishes to continue her marriage so while her and I get along we may not have time to settle in. I told her we’ll work out anything but ultimately the decision is hers to make. Sigh, I don’t want her to go. But they made it clear it her decision alone. I’m sad about the ending but I’m happy for the experience. I’ve gotten angry more about it ending then I did about finding out it happened in the 1st place. Actually knowing there was a possibility of it ending was what stirred up my negative feelings. I’ve been waiting and waiting for this day and we finally found a good one 🙁

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m glad you’re feeling better 🙂 Wow, so your co contacted you. How nice is that? You’re off to a good start. I kind of get the feeling that it was best he did it the way he did. All along you’ve been aware he wanted to marry another and intended to do it. It’s not as though you had no idea and then clear out of the blue, he sprung it on you and almost choked you to death with it.

    It’ll get easier for you. We’ve all been here together long enough for you to have learned a lot and know the drill. I think that an episode such as what you just had is good at times because it causes a breakthrough. It takes us to the next level.

    Keep us posted, Insha Allah 🙂

  • Ruqayyah

    June 21, 2015

    The more I learn about my co the nicer she seems, she contacted me and we had a nice chat. Thankfully the marriage is not based on lusts, all the discussion my husband had with me about marriage and talking about my friends was his way to try to see how I’ll react when I find out. I never expected that he would have a secret wife, it’s crazy to think. Anyways I am getting there with dealing with it, I am upset they excluded me and kept it secret but, we’ll get through it.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Laila,
    Something upset him and he lashed out don’t go to deep into it.U did the right thing and he did the right thing to say sorry as well.
    Listen as the kids get older they may very well be more open to you as they mature.Either way if they come to accept u or not it is not a huge deal because they have their own lives and u have yours.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    U r completely normal don’t u dare stress out over it!This is not an easy road as u r now really seeing and it may very well take the rest of your life to figure it all out.Knowone is perfect.The best thing for u to do is be honest with him and tell him u r struggling and it is going to take time to adjust and come to terms with all this and u need him to be patient with u and also your cowife.Your going to have bad days and good days it is a roller coaster ride for sure!

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    What ya talkin about, Ruqayyah? What you’ve done, we’ve all been there and done that – lost our minds Be thankful you got it (your mind) back.

    Don’t beat up on yourself, and don’t despair. I’m sure you have turned to Allah and pleaded for his forgiveness and mercy. You know He is a Forgiving and Most Merciful God. You are remorseful for what you did. You feel badly for what you did. Sometimes we just snap, crackle and pop. We lose it.

    Your husband just married another woman and you only found out a week or two ago. What you did is not shocking. Is it good to do? Well, we all know it is not.

    Allah lets us know that we will do things that are wrong. It’s why He tells us to repent, and ask Him for his forgiveness and mercy. He says a believer is one who repents. We all mess up from time to time. If anyone says he or she doesn’t, the person has got some serious problems. It’s the type of person we need to run from – the person who MAKES OUT she has an ideal life – the person is only trying to fool others and herself.

    Everything is going to be okay, Ruqayyah.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 20, 2015

    So I stuffed up, in my over emotional state I threatened him he better not see her or else blah blah blah. I am so ashamed and so upset with myself. 🙁 she’s gone for a few weeks and I feel guilty I feel like I failed I was doing well when I found out then overnight I flipped out. I can’t stop worrying about it. I don’t want to be a bitter 1st wife.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I totally don’t get what your husband is talking about regarding his children. During the course of an argument, he brought up how he thinks you feel or don’t feel about his children that he has with your co? SMH Are these the same children that are now grown and in college – out of the house? It makes no sense. Aren’t these the children that your co didn’t want you to have any dealings with and the children didn’t want to be bother with you when they were younger? Do those children, suddenly, now, want to be your BFF? I soooo do not get it.

    I could understand that he may be disappointed in you if he wants or needs to talk about them and you won’t listen. He thinks he should be able to talk to you, his wife about anything. I think he should be able to talk to you about anything – other than about your co. It would be nice for you to take an interest in what he’s interested in as long as it’s nothing haram.

    For him to accuse you of not caring about them, well, look how things have been with you and them for the last 13 or however many years it was. The time to have addressed your relationship with them was yesterday – all those many years ago, not now. He and his other should deal with the matter concerning his and her children. Yes you could listen to show you care about your husband, but those children are grown.

    With regard to you being their mother too. Well, I just don’t see it. They have a mother. She is. You’re not. You didn’t birth them. You could be their step mother or sister-in-faith to them. To put the mother thing on you is a bit over the top at this stage in the game – ya think? He needs to back up off you with that. It’s crazy.

    It could be that it’s something your co has concocted. Who knows what she’s feeding him. Insha Allah, ask him where it’s coming from because it’s whacked.

  • Laila

    June 20, 2015

    Well on another note, something totally unexpected took place. We had an argument about how he sometimes can say the most unwanted thing at the wrong place and time. In the midst of the argument, he suddenly just sort of exploded. His explosion was on how I just do not want to accept his children and how I always show my love and affection for other people’s children except his. Whereby whenever he talks about them, I just do not even bother to listen or to even provide feedback. So this caught me by surprise. He reminded me that I am also their mother. Throughout this conversation, I just told him to fly kites. Literally. Why after all these years must I make an attempt to know his children? I just told him that I can never be a hypocrite, and that I will never be their mother. He threatened me and said then I am not his wife. Well, I just walked away from the conversation and told him to walk out and not come back if he felt strongly about that. He then asked for forgiveness and said he was sorry. So, I wonder what in the world is my sister in law feeding stories to him. Her late husband remarried many many times and the children from the other wives to come and spend time with her occasionally. I am GLAD I put my foot down!

  • Laila

    June 20, 2015

    Hey Ana and Gail. You are so right! Im just wasting my energy on this situation. It seems my co has sent out the invite without even going through our husband. So I know something is amiss but, I don’t care. My co has had a history to contact relatives to get info about me. Once she stupidly contacted a particular relative and he was sitting right next to me! I heard the whole conversation. Well, old habits cannot be easily broken.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2015

    Laila,
    I can understand where u r coming from not wanting them talk about what went on at your home.I guess it comes with the polygamy territory though.Ana is right don’t waist energy on something u can’t control it’s life just roll with the punches and duck when u can! lol

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You could be getting yourself worked up for nothing. I definitely understand how annoyed you are that she’s a copy cat. There are wives out there that do everything the co wife does. It’s like they don’t have a mind of their own or they think by being like the other woman the husband will love them more.I do think a person who is copied should feel flatters. The saying, is something like, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It’s the strangest thing. People who imitate others aren’t very original or don’t understand they need to just be themselves and stop trying to be something else.

    On the other hand, you’re in your head lost in imagination, which is really Satan’s whispers. You don’t really know what the dialogue will be like at the co’s house with the in-laws. It is all playing out in your head that they will sit around talking about you and your husband. Just because they have been known to carry gossip in the past doesn’t necessarily mean they will do it today or tomorrow; although they may.

    You need to stay mindful that you can’t control what people talk about and what people listen to. You’re wasting your time and energy on something that really doesn’t much matter. People are going to think what they want to think, believe what they want to believe and talk about what they want to talk about. They can do it. Who is another person to dictate such things.

    If you know your in-laws are the type to carry gossip, don’t entertain them or don’t give them any information that you don’t want them to carry . Insha Allah, eventually you’ll get to the point that you just go ahead and entertain the in-laws, but limit yourself to what you don’t mind the co knowing. I think it’s comical because I know a person who used to intentionally let her co know info that was false to let the co make a fool of herself, and go out and buy things. LOL The co went out and got herself in debt trying to keep up with what wasn’t real. It’s funny.

    It’s not easy, but, just let it be…

  • Laila

    June 19, 2015

    Ana, my co was never the type to entertain nor the type to cook and look into hospitality for our in laws from day one. But because my in laws, my sister in law was over at our home for dinner. She got news of it and has “invited” them over. Im least bothered Ana about the invitation. But what bugs me is that knowing my sister in law, they WILL carry stories. This is what bugs me. Why do family not understand the fragile state we are in? Carrying stories may sort of cut short empty talk but in the long run, it makes or creates more issues. They in many ways get some sort of crazy entertainment out of seeing us fight. Peace somehow is not in my humble haven.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2015

    @Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Some people just love drama. They thrive on it. They go which ever way the wind blows. 🙁 Do you know the saying, “A dog that brings a bone will carry a bone.” It seems to be what’s happening with your in laws.

  • Laila

    June 19, 2015

    Salam guys. I am going through my own s*** fest right now. My in laws are down and seem to enjoy going to my home and later to hers and carrying stories. Why can’t they just mind their own business?

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All

    Another beautiful, wonderful Holy Month of Ramadan is upon us. Happy Ramadan and Happy Fasting to all!

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    @Marie, Hey there, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, my friend!!! Happy Ramadan!

    Long time no hear from. I was wondering what happened to you. Sis Ummof4 gave you a shout out here a couple times. I’m glad to hear you and the little bambino inside are well and your co is, too.

    So, nothing new is happening with you. You know the saying; no news is good news. I can get with that.

    I’m glad you stopped in and said, hey. Insha Allah, don’t stay away so long.

    Love to you,

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    @Ina,

    Sis, try to hang in there, if you can. The schedule can be the bane of you. It will always be that way as long as you want the schedule your way and she wants the schedule her way. Rarely does it work that the schedule can be the way you both want it. Whichever one of you don’t get the schedule your way will be upset about it. Most of the time one of you will be upset and your husband has to deal with constantly having an upset wife. Then he finds no contentment as he can’t find peace with either one of you. Either one of the wives has to make sacrifices and let the other have her way or go with a rigid schedule and no one can blame anyone but the calendar.

    I’m not surprised that you asked him to divorce you. Most wives in polygamous marriages usually ask for a divorce several times while in a polygamous marriage. It too shall pass. Do you really want to leave the man you love and the father of your wonderful two boys because you can’t have your way about a schedule I know what you are going through seems monumental now, but it really is not. You have to go through it though. I think it’s part of the process of accepting polygamy.

  • Marie

    June 17, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum and Ramadan karem.

    Sorry iv been Mia, there’s nothing new happening on my end. It’s all very drama less Maa shaa Allaah. Iv 7 weeks left till I meet the newest edition to the family Insha’allah and I think ‘other’ is due in November. Seems Im still the only one excited about that lol. I think it will be lovely for my daughter to have a sibling so close in age, Alhamdulilah.

    I hope everyone will make the most of the month ahead.

    I’ll try to pop in more often
    Love to you all

  • Ina

    June 17, 2015

    Gail/Ana,

    I think if I meet her, I will strangle her…
    Hubby ask me to set the schedule for June (after her confession). Due to his work, there was 16 days to be assigned so I gave 8 days each, same number of weekends. Seems fair right? Wrong! Somehow it’s not fair because the pattern was week 1: 232 then 3231 (cowife gets 2 days first). It was unfair because I got 3 days in row. The schedule turned out this way because I wanted hubby to be around on the 2nd last day of the month and cowife wanted to have him first after his trip. This is coming from a woman who did not want to give me my 2 weeks vacay time and ended up spending the night in police cell.

    I am more upset and angry at hubby. I am finding the whole situation very hard to deal with and told hubby to consider divorcing me. I tried to resist asking but I spent the last 3 days crying and I cant see things getting better.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone, 🙂

    I’ve written a new post that I’ve been meaning to write for some time now, but haven’t until now gotten around to it. The post is informative. There is no need to respond.

    There is a lot of talk in the media these days about people leaking other’s personal information online. It is imperative for all to know that polygamy 411 is firm in its position to safeguard the commentators’ privacy. I will not post anyone’s identity, nor allow anyone else to do it here. It is a serious wrong for anyone to do such a thing.

    The link to the new post is as follows: https://www.polygamy411.com/safeguard-blogger-privacy/

  • Gail

    June 16, 2015

    ana,
    It is not her it is my husband that stopped her from talking to the kids.
    She started talking crap about my husband to me that my husband said was lies and he said even if they were the truth she is trying to break him and I which is true sooo when he read what she wrote after a few days he said she is not talking to the kids anymore.She is cut off meaning she will have no contact anymore.I informed her of what hubby said and she just went @peshit because she was thinking she would keep contact with kids she did not expect hubby to totally cut her off.Honestly in Pakistani culture they go with the cousin wife because of family pressure and ties.In my case my father inlaw became so attached to my baby son and I doing good with them he told his sister which is my excowife mom that they r not leaving me.This is where the problem came in because when all this started they were using me and thought to use me and get rid of me as best i figured out but because my son was in the middle they got stuck.I wish i could say oh my husband was madly in love with me but i would be insane to think that because he was screwing around with another woman the entire time basically after coming to USA.He claims it was some weird friendship but i know it was not all normal and it went on for 8yrs.That is why when my first love came back into the picture I really debated to divorce him.For alot of yrs I just stayed with my husband for financial reasons.I was staying at home raising my baby and I was happy to do that since i knew he was my last baby.In the meantime things slowly changed and i found out he was keeping some weird relation with this other woman and I told him he could keep it but do not cut me down anymore because I am sick of him acting like he is great and I am a piece of $h!t when I have been nothing but a Saint in this entire mess.
    Believe me when i say my husband would never win any Husband of the year awards and he is anything but a saint but I have my son with him and am raising his kids as well so to me it seemed best to stick it out.I am glad I did know one is perfect I figured out and yeah some people r more ratty than others and G>D knows I have a hard road ahead of me and may end up single in the end after all my efforts but I am ok with it because the kids will be grown and that was really my purpose i feel to educate them and give them a chance to be free.
    As far as excowife if she gets a inch she takes a mile so not sure what the solution is in her case.She don’t reach out anymore to the kids though me and hubby don’t want contact so I am like ok if she contacts I will give her info but she never contacts.My husband said that these family problems go on generation over generation and there is no solution from his view.
    It was not suppose to be that the family split because of me but that is the reality of it.Hubby made his choice and he has to live with it.I do not blame myself because hubby was idiot that time and screwed his whole family over me but strangely he is fine with it.I guess because he got USA out of the deal.lol
    THe entire thing is so stupid if u ask me.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    @Gail,

    Although from listening to you, I understand the dynamics when it comes to some Pakistani people, but I can’t for the life of me understand it. I could see how your husband’s ex-co would allow you to adopt her child and raise her children, but I can’t understand that she won’t communicate with them. They must feel hurt. For her parents not to encourage her to communicate with them is amazing, as well.

    Have you thought that on her/your children’s birthdays to call her out of their presence and ask if she’d like to speak with them. It could possibly break the ice, if you were to approach it that way.

    I think it’s very sad that the family in Pakistan is the way it is. When it is said we should not break ties with family, it means a Muslim family. Your husband, the ex-co-wife and your/her children are Muslim. But who knows or follows the Quran these days? Practically no one does.

    I’m kinda seeing it the way your husband does. It doesn’t look promising right now that the family is going to come together. No one seems to have the incentive and desire to make it work except you. Ex co-wife could go fly a kite before I’d give up my husband and family, if I were you. Sigh

  • Gail

    June 15, 2015

    Ana,
    I agree with u in Ina situation if they can get someone to help in that mess it would be great.

    Hubby and I were talking today in the car on the way to pick up some tools for r privacy fence we r building and he let me know that his sisters hubby/cowife brother has sent neighbors to try to get back with his sister and stop the divorce.This is a tactic in pakistani culture to try to fix problems.He don’t want to have to pay child support and of course fix his sister.I am like lord will this never end.I said if they were really sorry is it not easier to just say sorry and hubby said it will never fix it is an unfixable problem.I am really shocked excowife has not tried to contact me on this matter but she wants us to divorce so I am the enemy of the state I guess in her mind.I almost thought to email her to tell her it is over they r wasting there time but I thought she would either laugh thinking i am worried which i am not or I am rubbing it in her face again which I am not so i let it go.I am shocked this has been dragging out for 3 yrs.I told hubby today I have no interest to go back to Pakistan and he said oh we will go and do stuff and not sit i said yeah right u always say that and we just sit there then he said yeah but I had that B@tch sitting there before.I said i wish u would have told me those times i could have saved a fortune by not going knowing u had no plans to take us anywhere.
    I still can’t deal his family to be honest and I guess I will never build a bridge and get over it where his family is concerned.Even hubby says that excowife family is pissed because they will not leave me they want me gone out of the picture .Sometimes i don’t think it makes a hill of beans if u r good with someone or not because everyone has their own personal agenda

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    Yes, Ina’s co does seem to be one nasty piece of work. She appears to be arrogant and thinks she is superior to Ina. If Ina does not stand up for herself and if she continues to appear meek and weak, the co will continue to try to manipulate the situation. The husband is not being helpful, which is why I think they may have to resort to an outsider coming in to assist.

  • Gail

    June 15, 2015

    Ina,
    I agree with Ana.I think u three should have dinner and discuss the schedule.
    getting angry is not going to solve that problem.I think u should meet her face to face and ask her straight what her problem is and flat tell her straight she picked polygamy now she is going to have to deal it.I really think unless u demand to have a dinner or meeting and let her know straight up that u r not going to be pushed around then it will be best for u.
    Actually in your case she played u for an idiot with the whole boy on computer thing and u let her to some degree so she thinks u r simple and easy to manipulate understand?
    U r going to have to have to get your bluff in on her and your husband I really think so.If u r a meek person by nature she is going to drive u to the Nut house so my thinking is u better meet her and get this ironed out because obviously your husband is acting more like a puppet more than helping this situation.Please don’t get upset I said she played with u like an idiot.I just wanted to bring to your that is what she did and is doing.She seems to me to be a nasty person to be frank.

  • Gail

    June 15, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    If u have been suffering from anxiety through your marriage then hopefully it will now stop as u start focusing on yourself and less on your hubby and what he is doing.
    I am not out of Polygamy so I really can’t tell u alot because I failed at Polygamy to be frank and can only really tell u I feel for u and I think if u give it a good hearty try u will be fine because u r a good person.
    I thought alot today about trusting a spouse.I wanted to add on that I think in an ideal world we should be able to trust on r spouses after all we teach r children to trust on parents.The problem is everyone at one time or other breaks trust and some people more than others but we just have to roll with the punches because u can’t really throw the baby out with the bathwater I suppose although their has been a many of times I would have liked to.
    If trust is something that is important to u and not lying u might tell your husband u need him to be a man of his word and integrity.
    I will say this as wives and I swear I don’t know if we r conditioned this way or if it is just in r DNA but we give 110% in our marriages and when start to get hit upside the head that r husbands r not giving 110% back we get angry depressed and say we can’t trust and it all boils down to that we r just way to into our husbands and I don’t think it is healthy at all.I think it is better to teach our daughters to focus on their own self and their children and do not get caught in the trap of being an emotional and physical slave to their husband.
    I actually had this talk with my daughter yesterday.SHe was playing around not doing her homework and I got hold on her very good and told her straight if she continues down this road she is not going to go to college or get a high paying job she will marry and be a servant/domestic slave to her husband and inlaws and if she wants that life keep it up.I told her straight her time to study is now not when she is 18 because that time she has to work and marry.I told her after she gets her degree she can sit the rest of her life and play games but now is time to focus on herself and her future.I feel polygamy is alot the same way.I hope u r doing better as the day is going along.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m happy to hear you are feeling better. It’s good you’re getting out. Fresh air always seems to help.

    You said your husband was crying all last night. I’m sure you’ve read here on the blog that other husbands have been seen by their wives crying, as well, after they became polygamous. The first wife is crying. The second wife is crying. The husband is crying. Everyone is boo hooing. Everyone blames one another. The husbands is crying because his wives are hurting. The wives are crying because they are hurting. No one is happy. The husband thought he was going to be happy, but how can he be happy when he has wives who are malcontents.

    THE PROBLEM IS everyone leaves ALLAH out of the equation. Allah put the husband in this, although he thinks he chose it. Allah placed the wives in it, although they think the husband got them in it. None of them truly believe that Allah is in control and decided everything that happened.

    Only the husband and the wives who truly believe in the Power of Allah and His control and decrees etc. will find peace and tranquility in their marriage. This world is not about us and our wants and desires. It’s about Allah swt. Allah regulates and controls all affairs, but most men know not. Allah says it in the Holy Quran. Every act and everything on earth are Allah’s affairs.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 15, 2015

    @Ana and Gail, yep that day in bed was definitely needed. I am being dragged out today which may be a good thing as I really just want to crawl in bed. I’ve had about 5 hours sleep the last 2 days, my mind just can’t shut off. He was crying all last night how he stuffed up but it doesn’t change anything on my part. I can’t trust him anymore, thankfully I have trusted him less and less from the beginning of our marriage. Each time has hurt but I still love him so maybe we can do this marriage thing without trust.. I just hope the anxiety goes away I’ve suffered from it my entire marital life, some days are good as I can truly rely on Allah but others are bad because who knows what will happen next because every time I get comfy something happens so the happy moments are tense also.

    @Ina, it really sucks when they just say things and don’t follow through with words. what benefit are nice words when reality is different? You say you want to be fair and yet… someone loses out whenever its convenient.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    @Ina,

    I know what you’re going through. It could drive one batty trying to get a schedule that one is comfortable with and feels is just. Sometimes it takes getting another/other person involved to help figure out a simple schedule that is just for everyone involved. Not everyone may be pleased with the final one.

    Dealing with a marriage on schedule is not easy when it comes to making the schedule because all wives think their way is the right way. The husband usually doesn’t know which way is up. He’s just all over the place, and can’t make heads or tails out a schedule.

    I think a simple schedule for two wives is that each wife gets three nights – alternate three nights. Figure out how many weeks vacation a year and both wives get that same exact number of weeks to attach to their three days. Other than it, there are no special days for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc There are no arbitrary. There are no exceptions. The schedule doesn’t account for work, school and anything else. If the husband goes on a business trip or whatever, the schedule picks up where it left off before he left. It may seem way rigid, but when wives are bickering over a schedule, sometimes it’s what they must have – a strict, rigid schedule for the time being.

    The beauty of polygamy in accordance with Islam is that there are no rules other than limit of wives the husband may have to four and that everyone deal justly with one another. Justice applies to everything in our lives, not just polygamy. Polygamy has no special claim to the word “Just”. To live a just life and deal justly with everyone is expected of everyone in all situations. A schedule in polygamy should be what is just for the husband and the wives. If the husband and wives can’t come to an agreement, it could be time to bring in someone from the outside to help figure it out.

    You husband comes to you with what she says about the schedule because he is the middle man. You, she and he don’t sit down and figure the matter out. Perhaps you should consider a public meeting for the three of you to go over the schedule to voice your concerns with one another.

  • Gail

    June 15, 2015

    Ana,
    Yeah I replied to Iman’s post.I get the feeling she is from an Asian country and not a Saudi citizen.In her case unless she turns out to be a from a country that does not allow second marriages or has laws against bigamy I am thinking she is going to have to take the loss on this one unfortunately.Hopefully she will fill us in more.

  • Gail

    June 15, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    I am sorry u r going through so much pain.I have been where u are and it is not a walk in the park and it takes time to find your center again.I will say though Ana is right as much as u love your husband and want to trust him it just is not the wisest thing to do anymore.The way u will find comfort and healing from this will be to stop trusting.It don’t mean u don’t love him but u will not feel the sting each everytime he screws up.See in Polygamy that is huge part of the problem a wife screams at the husband I TRUSTED U and u broke my trust etc… and it sets up this cycle of each and everytime something goes wrong the wives scream at the husband and everyone becomes miserable understand.Thats what happen in my case cowife would scream then I would scream and honestly hubby became the whipping boy basically.Then he started screaming he could not trust so everyone is walking around mental.After awhile I figured out leave all that crap because I needed to work on me and getting my center(thoughts) right with myself and figure out what I was going to take and what I wasn’t going to deal with.I believe that is teh key to getting mentally stronger.
    As far as your cowife is concerned yeah it was a selfish move on her part and your husbands to exclude u and secretly marry in my opinion.It is very disrespectful and u will have to figure out now if the woman is worth getting to know or not.If u can just replace the word trust with integrity and figure out what u r willing to deal and not deal u will become mentally strong and be able to deal it.I won’t lie Polygamy is mentally hard esp when a husband is acting like yours but u seem to have a very good moral compass so u will be fine.

  • Ina

    June 15, 2015

    @ Ruqayyah, I hope you feel better soon.

    I myself feel I have taken 3 steps back. I told hubby that i am better off without him. It seems all too much for me to deal with. After her confession, he said to me we will make the schedule. He was confident she would not dare make a fuss. Only last week, he said there are no rules as long as its fair. Last night, he started saying how she wants it to be really fair and it should be like this or that, 4 days is too long, etc. I just blew my top. I cant take it anymore. He said key to happiness in polygamy is to be fair and then accuses of not liking to be fair. WTF! (astaghfirullah). I cant talk to him in a calm manner when he start using her words. I know I should be calm and rational but my throat tightens, my voice goes pitchy and i cant think straight.

    Ruqayyah, I wished I had more positive things to say to you but its an emotional rollercoaster.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    Yes, you have come a LONG, LONG, LONG ways. You certainly do deserve a day in bed for a good cry. Take whatever time you need. ♡ {hugs}

  • Ruqayyah

    June 15, 2015

    Its been 3 years of this I’m so tired, I’ve come a long way but… I think I just need 1 good day in bed to cry and feel bad about my situation. We’ll try for happiness tomorrow inshaAllah

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2015

    Oh, Raqayyah,

    Your post to Gail made me teary eyed. Everything is going to be okay. Don’t let yourself get depressed. 🙁

  • Ruqayyah

    June 15, 2015

    @Ana you’re right I know not to trust anyone but AllAh but I cant stand liars

    @Gail no idea who she is he got with her maybe a month after the last friend he went after. I’ve seen her around I’m sure but never actually met her, hoping to meet her soon although i swore I’d never meet a woman who could marry my husband in secret when you’re in the situation its different. He says shes nice so we’ll see. I’m in bed today, I don’t want to get up. I’m perfectly fine right where I am so not sure what reaction I’ll get when he gets home, but its a day for me today.

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2015

    @Gail,

    I don’t know whether or not you saw Iman’s post to you over on the Pakistani thread. If not, the link is https://www.polygamy411.com/marry-pakistani-man/#comment-7888

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I don’t think you should be angry with your husband about breaking trusts. Your husband wasn’t wise in making promises to you. No one but Allah is guaranteed to keep a promise. If a person makes a promises the person is supposed to TRY to keep it. A person can only keep a promise if Allah wills it. The person who makes a promise should do so with sincere intent. Only Allah can determine what a person will do. Allah says those who trust should put their trust in HIM. You can’t get disappointed and let down if you don’t trust anyone, but Allah.

    It’s why people are supposed to say, “Insha Allah” about something dealing with the future. What ever they plan for the future will only happen if Allah wills it. It’s what “Insha Allah” means – if it pleases Allah; if it’s Allah’s will. It’s the only way anything will happen.

    Your husband is not at fault for not being able to keep any promises to you. You said he’s broken your trust many times. It’s a sign to stop trying to make him do things. Back up off him. It’s what the problem is – everyone trying to get someone else to do what they want the other person to do. Who do we think we are to think we could make someone do something because it’s what we want? Maybe you could find something else to get angry with him for because the trust thing isn’t working.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2015

    Ruqayyah,
    For what it’s worth I am very sorry u had to find out like this from him and I sure don’t blame u for being angry.Do u know who the woman is?I don’t understand why he was asking u to fix him up with a friend if he was already married?Is she a friend of yours? I am curious!

  • Ruqayyah

    June 14, 2015

    It happened a little while ago but i found out yesterday who knows whar her reasoning is I don’t expect it to stay this way long term but thats his problem to deal with. I’ll play nice as she hasn’t caused any problems yet. Im very angry with him he has broken my trust many times…

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Yeap, don’t get yourself worked up about it, Sis. It’s not worth it. Life is short. We’ve all got enough to deal with in life than to worry ourselves to death about what they (the hubz and a co) do. Whatever your hubz and his new wife are doing sound cray, cray and it could end up being short lived. She’s not emotionally invested yet, so it’s working. Give it time and the drama will begin. Sounds like she needed some sex, got it and is good for the time being.

    It’s understandable that you’re a bit upset about the marriage. It just happened – when – yesterday? You are normal. Nothing has led me to believe that you aren’t. If you felt absolutely nothing about your husband having just married another woman, then I’d say you’re in denial or has got some loose marbles .

    You’ve been dealing with this pending marriage long enough to know what you need do and not do. You’re going to be okay. Don’t try to intervene or do anything mischievous. Let it play out as best you can. Then he can’t accuse you of sabotaging his marriage. You’ve got this…

  • Ruqayyah

    June 14, 2015

    @Ana lol no I do not want to hear it. He let me know it was consummated but left it at that he knows better than to say anything in detail hopefully. I’m upset today but nothing I can’t get through.
    I wont get any time off yet as they agreed to marry and she give up time, money etc. It’s good as I will need his help soon and things don’t change too much for me but I can’t help but think how long will it last and what is her reason for doing it this way? Who gets married and then is cool with nothing? But whatever not my monkeys, not my circus. I’ve got enough to deal with right now.

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2015

    @Gail,

    Thank you for educating me on Pakistan culture. I appreciate it. It took a long time for me to begin to get it. I was so focused on Islam that it wasn’t sinking in that culture was ruling and none of what was going on had anything to do with Islam in reality.

    I now finally see (it took me long enough, duh) what you are saying about your sister-in-law being married to brother of his ex-wife. I now get it about cross marriages. It’s so crazy to me how it all works

    About your husband’s ex-wife, I get a feeling she simply love him and she doesn’t want to be divorced from him, which is why she’s saying he and she are still married. She’s hopeful that he and she will eventually get back together. She may not want the stigma of divorce either. Anyway you look at it, she’s still holding on when hope is gone (on your husband’s part).

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2015

    @Gail,

    Ooops. I was sure I had your anniversary right to the point I didn’t have to go check your comment LOL I fooled myself. Nonetheless, enjoy yourself on Saturday!!! I get excited to hear of anniversary. When people I know and like get excited; I get excited

    Gail, I think you are right that many of these men who become polygamous are doing so for sexual reasons. It’s a no, no in Islam for men to marry for lust. They don’t know how hurtful it is for them to do it. They are really doing themselves a disservice. They are wronging their souls. Either they don’t know or flat out don’t care. Allah tells us straight – don’t marry for lust. These men certainly aren’t marrying to bring people together to worship and serve Allah as a team/family. Most of the men probably don’t care anything about Islam other than that it allows polygamy and their going to jump on it.

    It’s not that the wives they have aren’t giving them sex either. Ruqayyah has said she has a very high libido, and gives her husband plenty of sex. Her husband has to run from it (just kiddin). It won’t stop him or hasn’t stopped him from marrying another.

    Men go marry other women and then say the first wife wasn’t giving him enough sex. Well, I bet my last dollar (figure of speech, as I don’t gamble) that were a man to tell his wife that she’d better up the sex and make it good OR ELSE he’d go get himself another wife, the wife would do it. They DON’T tell the wife they would get another wife if she doesn’t perform better. Why? Because he wants another woman. It’s the bottom line. Men give EXCUSES for going to get another woman.

    @Ruqayyah,

    I know you must be relieved that he has married, if it is true. Now you can relax and try to settle into polygamy. You’ll get a nice break from him too. In time, you’ll probably begin to enjoy the freedom it brings. Allah knows best. I sure hope your husband is not playing games with you, and lying cuz ain’t no body got time for it (games).

    I’m with Gail; don’t let him fill you in on his sexcapades. There is no need for you to hear from him what they do, how they do and where or when they do it. He needs to keep that stuff to himself or tell someone who wants to hear it – I hope it’s not you. I would guess you’d not want to hear it unless you get turned on by such a thing

  • Gail

    June 14, 2015

    Ina,
    I think u should figure out what u r willing to accept and not accept and don’t play into their games.Here is the thing I have noticed in my own marriage that might help u.I use to be meek and take alot of $h!t from hubby but once I had enough and started opening my mouth and told him that I was going to walk according to my own beat and he could take a fling leap because I am not listening to him etc… Things started to change drastically…. Yes we fought and yes it was a mental struggle but it is one that I have won because I refused to let him rule over me like lord and master.Girl stop seeing red on the schedule if u don’t like the way it is tell him no and if he refuses u then tell him straight u r not doing it and if he pushes u he can just stay at her place the days u r not happy with.Listen Bottom line unless u call his bluff and make a believer out of him then both r going to keep pushing your buttons so I advice u stop this nonsense and throw him away for awhile if he don’t listen to u and don’t give him affection.Unless u r going to play hard ball they r going to run over u for the rest of your life and make u crazy and spineless.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    Lord your husband is a piece of work girl! I am wonder in your case if sex is the driving factor for him to be frank.The way he has been going at u it sure seems he is just wanting sex more than another wife.If he has remarried u better hang on to your hat because I have a feeling if sex was the driving factor for him to remarry then polygamy is going to be hard road I think.
    Ruqayyah if u think I might be right about your personal situation then I think the smartest thing for u to do is distance yourself from your husband mentally.DO NOT feed into his addiction and let him give u details about him and his other wife and when he tires of her and wants another… well I am saying if this is a sexual addiction I doubt he will be just and fair with the second one unless she pops up pregnant and he gets stuck and even then he might want 3rd or 4th wife if this is sexual.I don’t know why I feel in your case it might be a sexual addiction problem in your husbands case but for some reason I do.I think alot of men have sexual addictions and that is the real reason why they go after second wives.
    Anyway don’t give him the satisfaction of going nuts on him just focus on u and enjoy your life and don’t play into his craziness.If he did marry first and informed u after that is very disrespectful and shows clear he is after sex because he was just pestering u to fix him with any of your friends.Gosh sometimes truth is stranger than fiction when it comes to Polygamy!!! LOL

  • Gail

    June 14, 2015

    Ana,
    My Anniversary is on the 20th coming up but thank u.
    My sister inlaw I have no doubt would secretly love to take her husband back but the problem is if she takes him back then hubby has to take back cowife understand and he flat has told he is not going to ever take her back sooo that leaves my sister inlaw is stuck and can’t make her own choices.This is part of Pakistani culture as well when u do cross cousin marriages.See if she said es I will take u back and go back to him then her husband will say ok tell your brother to take my sister back.Everyone knows this and it is just there and my sister inlaw knows my husband is never going to take her husbands sister back soooo it is useless topic.Even i told my husband if he wants to let his sister go back then we can use 1st wife to help us with the kids he said Hell No.Whatever she did a few back he is done and over her that much seems certain because he is willing to take his sisters second divorce over dealing with that family.
    I hope Farah comes back to she seems so conflicted in her post I felt bad for her.Polygamy is so hard esp the first yrs and i really think alot woman go through secret mental breakdowns.I also believe they feel isolated and alone it is really sad.Even I am human and feel really bad for my excowife.
    I figure either she will remain single because the other boy did not marry her because she is going around saying she is still married and my hubby did not give her proper shia divorce.She is crazy to say that because she is killing her chances of getting another husband after spreading such a rumor but now that she is certain he is never taking her back I guess she will change tactics eventually and say she got divorce who knows.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 14, 2015

    Andddd we’re back in it again, my husband has been dropping hints all week and today he admitted he has married again. I’m not sure if I believe him, I didn’t go crazy… yet. I kind of feel relieved.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    Ina,

    About how long is proper for a husband to be away from his wife, I know nothing according to Quran that specifies it. It is stated in the Quran that a husband should not leave his wife “hanging”. She should not feel abandoned or that she has no husband, as he is not around and doesn’t show her any affection or love. Anything else is probably from a Hadith or what a scholar says.

    To the best of my knowledge, the parties to the marriages figure out what the schedule should be. The husband should consult with his wives about it and the husband should make the schedule. No one wife should make the schedule, as it only causes problems unless a wife doesn’t care about the schedule.

    I guess I shouldn’t be surprised the girl went back to her childish, gaming ways. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spot. You probably heard the story of the snake. Short version: A woman picks up a freezing cold, shivering snake to give it warmth at the snakes request, as she felt sorry for it. She held the snake close to her body to warm it. The snake bit her. She asked why it would do such a thing when she was helping it. The snake said, you knew I was a snake when you picked me up. – snakes do what they do.

    Ina, you just can’t go to sleep on girlfriend. She has shown you what she is, who she is and how she is. Deal with her accordingly. Don’t expect any good from her.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    @Ina,

    I’m not sure what truth you want to tell his and her family and friends about the co. It would determine if you should tell or not. The reason you’d want to tell matters as well.

    For instance, if you want tell them you’ve been going through an earthly Hell with the woman and this is why. She has done x, y and z. What should I do? I think you are within your right to do it. If you are seeking some advice from them and help in resolving the matter, then I see nothing wrong with it, Islamically speaking.

    Now, on the other hand, if you’re just angry and bitter and want them now to know what she has done and what type of person she is, then, I’m not really sure about it. The time to have spoken out about her disgusting acts and aggravating ways was when they were happening. If someone is jerking me around and doing some screwed up things to me, I’m the type to act on it and speak about it immediately when it’s happening. A person need not do the act if they don’t want repercussions, especially if they show no remorse.

  • Ina

    June 13, 2015

    Apparently she has been reading some other polygamy blogs too. She found one that says a husband should not spend more that 3 nights apart from his wife. I told hubby that i had not come across such a rule on this blog. If he wants to follow this rule, how would it be when she returns to malaysia? Oh, that is a different the rule wouldn’t apply then. Apparently, he thinks he can travel every 2 wks between UK and malaysia. I think he is being a little bit unrealistic and not managing her expectations. It may soothe the waters now but will only brew up a storm later.

    Yep, schedule is still driving me nuts. The mere mention of the word makes me see red before hubby has a chance to explain. Most of the time he doesn’t understand her reasons or why she thinks its unfair. Now that hubby is not going through with divorce, she is back to making demands and acting like a spoilt child again.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    Ina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Could you ask your husband to give you an ayah or account of an incident from the Holy Quran to support his position. What your husband said that is from a Hadith makes no sense to me. We will all individually be given a book with all our deeds in it on the Day of Judgement. Nothing will be left out of it big or small. No one else is going see our book of deeds but us. So I don’t quite understand what your husband is talking about and what the Hadith means. Could your husband explain it?

  • Ina

    June 13, 2015

    Assalamualaikum Everyone,
    There doesn’t seem to be an end on this polygamy rollercoaster. I told hubby that I want tell his family, her family and friends the truth about co-wife. He told me that I shouldn’t because of an hadith that says Who ever hide the shame of his fellow muslim brother/sister, Allah hide his shame in the hereafter.
    But she is the one who has revealed her sins to me and was boastful about it. I don’t think she felt shame…she doesn’t know the meaning of the word.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    Oooh, I just remembered yesterday was your actual anniversary. Again, Happy Anniversary, dear Gail.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    Thank you for checking in. I think of you often. I don’t worry anymore, as I know you’re a tough cookie and you can hold your own. You’re wise to get anything that seems peculiar checked out right away. I’m glad to hear the other mole wasn’t cancerous. You’re so strong, and are doing so good. Keep up the good work, lady

    Your husband was clearly not cut out for polygamy. He wants no part of it and he makes no qualms about it. He’s straight up when it comes to the subject. Be grateful to Allah. Enjoy your monogamous marriage. Know you did your best to make a polygamous marriage work once you got over the initial shock of it and went through the stages all women in polygamous marriages seem to go through.

    I don’t doubt for a second that your husband’s ex-wife wants him back, and would take him back in a heartbeat. I wonder whatever happened to the person she last had considered marrying. It’s sad she hasn’t moved on yet, especially knowing it’s not easy in Pakistan to remarry when one is getting older and is divorced. Oh, well…

    I am a bit surprised your sister-in-law declined to reconcile, and wants to move on with the divorce.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    @Farah,

    Maybe you could share a bit more with us to give us a better understanding. I think you should take Gail’s advice about securing your finances. You should probably get legal advice about the business and how to secure your interest in it etc. Once a husband becomes polygamous, the wife has to take precautions to make sure the husband doesn’t lay claim to what is hers, and give it to the other wife. A wife could give all she wants. It’s hers to give, not the husband’s to give.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2015

    @Gail,

    I like the post you wrote to Farah. I agree with you 100% that the second has probably quizzed the husband about Farah, which is why the second knows so much about Farah. I think the husband had no problem talking to the second about Farah because of the love he has for Farah. I’m sure it was easy for the husband to talk about Farah. If it wasn’t easy, the husband would have shut the second down and say, for instance, I will not speak of her.

    You are probably correct that the second quizzes the husband about Farah because if the second didn’t want to hear about Farah and the kids, she would have shut him down when ever he tried to talk to her about them.

    It could be that the husband told the second all about Farah and the children in the early days of the second and the husband getting acquainted. It wouldn’t be unusual. A woman wants to know what she’s getting herself into – how many kids do you have? Does your wife work? What does she look like? and so forth and so on are customary questions.

    I definitely know how Farah feels not knowing about the other wife. It’s when I’d conduct my own investigation. I understand not everyone is capable of doing so. Farah did send a friend to the workplace to check the second out, which was a beginning.

    I agree with you that no husband should dictate to the wives that they don’t communicate unless he does so to keep peace. It could be he does not want the two to communicate because he clearly knows they both do not like one another and them meeting could prove volatile.

    You’re right that Farah needs to be honest with herself. She needs to know if she wants to meet and see if she can befriend the woman because they are sisters-in-faith or she simply want to be nosy and cause problems for the second and the husband. I’m sure many times when the wives want to meet it is not to form a friendship and become a family.

    I especially like what you said as follows: “I personally see it like this if a second wife don’t have enough respect for the first wife to want to meet her and show her she is a not there to try to ruin the first wife and husbands marriage then as far as I am concerned that is exactly what she is there for or vice versa.”

    When a wife who married the married man makes it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with the other wife, and doesn’t want to know she exists, it let’s one know she is all about the husband, and wants no parts of polygamy. She is in polygamy because it’s the only way she can be with the man. It has nothing to do with Islam, being Muslims, being sisters-in-faith or anything like it. It’s all about the second fulfilling her desires.

    Perhaps Farah will come back and shed some more light on the situation. Is the second Muslim? What is the reason the husband gave for not wanting them to meet? What reason did he give for not answering her questions about the second? etc

  • Gail

    June 13, 2015

    Farah,
    I forgot to mention in my post to u make certain u separate your jealousy from facts meaning just mentally weed through everything for example if u want to know about her because she is your husbands other wife and your cowife and u r thinking in a good spiritual way to want to know her then that is perfectly fine and right and nothing wrong to meet her but if u r secretly wanting to know about her to use against her something in hopes to break them up then that is jealousy and that has to be overcame understand.U will need to measure everything now and keep the good and get rid of the jealousy is what I am trying to explain if u want to have mental clarity and peace.

  • Gail

    June 13, 2015

    Ana,
    Just checking in with u I have been so busy as usual.Hubby found another mole on my back had to go to the doc tues to see if it was cancer again.The doc told me it was not but removed it anyway and sent it to pathology just to make certain.Now i have a hole in my back.I think i have handle on my skin problems now.If i see anything i am running to get it cut out.lol
    I am moody these days because of that crazy depo shot but hopefully it wil be getting out of my system soon.That shot is pure poison as far as I am concerned.
    On a different note hubby’s exwife’s brother called hubby’s sister and asked if she wanted to come back and not get divorced.Seems my excowife has not moved on yet with her life hoping through her brother making a last ditch effort to take back hubby’s sister in order to get her foot back in as well it seems.Needless to say they were told no and the divorce will be going through.I kinda figured she would try to contact me as a last ditch effort to get her foot back in the door but so far she has not contacted me.Who knows with those people.I don’t think to much about her anymore or what she is doing since my own health crisis.As hubby and I have drifted away from polygamy we are more relaxed and enjoying our marriage.Hubby was just not cut out for polygamy it seems and although I like the idea of polygamy if everyone can get along that rarely happens in the real world I saw unfortunately.I wish my excowife was a decent person but it was not meant to be.I am seeing it was not all hubby’s fault because I never told her not to contact me to find out about the kids she has showed her true colors to me.Anyway these r my thoughts.The depo shot has made me way more aggressive these days which sucks so bad!

  • Gail

    June 13, 2015

    Farah,
    What u r going through is completely normal so much normal in fact that if u were not going through these emotions I would say u were not normal.
    I kinda have a different take on your situation than Ana does although she may very well be right u r on his mind and he talks about u to her but in all honesty I would think the truth more is that the second wife has quizzed him about u wanting to know everything about your and his life without making hers known.Otherwise whats the problem for her and u to meet as u both are not in competition with each other.
    I also do not like the way your husband has handled your situation.Who the heck gives him or your cowife the right to dictate anything at all to u.Ok fine he has a right to remarry according to Islam but does it say in the Quran that he or she has the right to keep u away from them like u have leprosy?This is the part of Polygamy that really angers me.If everyone is agree to keep their distance than fine but not everyone is mentally wired the same way and if a wife needs to meet or get to know the other wife then who is anyone to stop her.I personally think your cowife may not be accepting polygamy because if she was then whats the problem to meet u? Nope I don’t blame u for feeling like u r playing second fiddle to your cowife because it looks like to me u are.
    Your husband and cowife are disrespecting u at this point and if this is bothering u to the point your husband is making u feel inferior/like an old shoe then I would pull him aside and flat tell him what u are and are not going to deal with.I personally see it like this if a second wife don’t have enough respect for the first wife to want to meet her and show her she is a not there to try to ruin the first wife and husbands marriage then as far as I am concerned that is exactly what she is there for or vice versa.Thats my take on your situation.
    Personally if I were u I would pull him aside and tell him straight u want to meet her if u do or know about her and her background and if he says no then i would go meet her myself and if she acts nasty towards u then u can figure out from there.You have rights to be respected and u have rights to know who your husband is married to.Don’t let them play head games with u is my advice.Also do not support her with your money from the business if they r acting up.U get stuff in your name cash in your name and secure your finances and get the upper hand before u up and open your mouth.Get all your ducks in a row be smart.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello There Everyone

    @ummof4,

    I’m not familiar with the Islamic Calendar other than it is a lunar calendar and we use it to determine when fasting the Holy Month of Ramadan begins and end. Nonetheless, it’s quite interesting. I can’t wrap my head around the Islamic calendar, though, as I have enough to learn and think about than confusing my brain with something else LOL

    Sis, we’ve got birthdays the same month. Yeah baby! People born in July are just too cool! My mom’s birthday is two days before mine.

  • ummof4

    June 12, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, May Allah bless you to go to Hajj next year, In shaa’Allah. If it is affordable, I encourage everyone to go to Hajj before Umarah. However, both are rewarding in more ways than one.

    Marie, how are you feeling lately?

  • ummof4

    June 12, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, when I posted about Jum’uah being the next day, I was referring to the Islamic calendar. On the Islamic calendar, the day begins at sundown and salatul maghrib, not at 12:00 midnight. I often use the Islamic calendar, particularly for special dates. According to the Islamic calendar, I have already been married for 41 years; the Gregorian calendar 40 years this coming July. I will be 62 years old in July on the Gregorian calendar, but 64 years old in August on the Islamic calendar. If someone casually asks me my age, I will tell them 63 (Islamic); for official business I have to tell them I am 61.

    Farah, I agree with Ana, your husband may talk about you all the time because he thinks about you and your children all the time. This probably annoys his other wife. Think about it, how would you like for him to talk about his other wife all the time when he is with you. You probably would be annoyed and ask him to stop. Since you and your co-wife are not close friends, just stay out of her business. As long as your husband is not revealing intimate secrets about you, be flattered instead of upset that his other wife knows so much about you and your children.

    Everyone, remember to thank Allah for His mercy and blessings. Ramadan is one of those blessings. Once a year, we get to recharge our Islamic batteries without worrying about Shaytan. May Allah accept all of our fasts and good deeds during this Ramadan, and forgive all of our sins.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You should feel very good about yourself. You’re coming to the realization it is not worth your time and trouble to entertain non-Muslim’s vain, useless talk about our religion. They won’t and can’t understand our way cuz if they did, they’d be Muslim – right? LOL Allah says if He wanted everyone to be Muslim, He would have created them that way.

    You’re doing good, Laila. In the Holy Quran, Allah says ignore ignorance. He says the non-Muslims are “deaf, dumb, and blind.” It’s unbelievable how they sit online yapping about our religion -Islam and our way of life. The fools don’t have nothing better to do. Do you think for one minute, I’d waste my precious, valuable time, talking about their way of life and beliefs? I don’t give diddly friggin squat about their way and what they do. They are about as dumb as dirt…

  • Laila

    June 10, 2015

    Dear Ana and everyone. Recently due to the advise given by the doctor, I completely got off coffee for days. Long story short, it was chaotic. I had terrible headaches and I was moody. In the afternoons, I just needed naps. Now, many years ago I had Sikh friends who are really staunch vegetarians. They cleanse their bodies every now and then by laying off many regular beverages. It is tough but it does wonders. Anyway, I recently started taking coffee back again and I feel great! I no longer need two or three cups a day but mandatory morning cuppa is needed. I don’t struggle now in the afternoons. So same concept applies. Imagine what we can achieve by fasting. The body is pretty much put into cleansing mode. After a whole month based on previous experiences I feel lighter and I know I am feeling better. My non Muslim friends till today always pass snide remarks. Because on my side of the world, many hotels and restaurants start giving all sorts of promotions on their breaking fast meals. Some of my friends do ask me, what is the point of fasting and later gorging oneself up later? The break fast promotions do at times get out of hand because it emphasizes so much on the food. People get carried away. I hardly ever eat out because I cook or either sometimes I buy a bit here and there. Nowdays Ana, I just dint bother with the stupid remarks made by my non Muslim friends. I just do not for the life of me see the need to even explain myself of even put my deen on the line to appease these guys. I think it s better I keep my distance because I just don’t see the point. Some will continuously badger us with questions and always think that what the Muslim way or what our religion is all about is stupid. So why go down that road? I am saving myself the stress. Even recently one of my friend put up something on Facebook that touched a personal note with me. It asked why Muslim women are forced to wear head scarves. The way the article was written was to me not right. I have accepted that I am not the same as my non Muslim friends and it does not bother me. I am happy following my beliefs and I don’t need their validation, or rhetoric statements.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    @farah,

    The only reason I can think of that your husband shares all your business with his other wife is because he likes talking about you. People talk about what is most important to them. He shares all about you because he’s probably feeling the love for you and you’re on his mind all the time. You see what he’s doing as a bad thing, but it could be very good.

    He may not want to share anything with you about her out of fear that you will try to destroy her and his relationship. She may fear that you will use what you’ve learned to hurt her. She may have asked him not to let you know anything about her. He got upset with you when your friend went to her workplace because his other probably threw a sh!t fit. He’s probably just tying to keep peace in his relationship with her. Those are my thoughts on it.

    Be happy he loves you and care enough about you to want to talk about you to her. It’s all good!

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    @farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are not weird, Sis. You’re quite normal. All wives goes through what you’re going through. They may not have the same issues, nonetheless they’ve got issues.

    The wives without children who want children may envy the wives who have children. The wives with children may envy the wife without children because she and the husband have time all to themselves when it’s her time.

    It’s not the particular issues that matter, it’s the jealousy and envy that is important. It’s important to recognize what you’re feeling and not like it. Each and everyone of us have dirty hearts that need purifying. Only Allah can purify the heart. This is your opportunity to work on you. I once read in an Islamic book (not Quran) that when Allah wants good for us, He exposes our faults to us. The unbelievers do evil and commit mischief without realizing it.

    What you’re going through is probably for you to better yourself. You could either work on yourself for good or fall by the wayside and lose in the end.

    We shouldn’t look at other people and what Allah has given them. All of our lives are different. Our tests are different. We need to learn to be grateful for our lives and all Allah has given us. We should not concern ourselves with others and what they have. When we’re so busy looking at others, we fail to work on improving ourselves.

    You’re not alone in what you’re feeling. We all go through similar. Our goal is to better ourselves and become of those who are best in conduct. You’re simply going through your own personal Jihad.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    @ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You did one of my numbers. You said have a blessed Jumuah tomorrow, but it will be Thursday. LOL I did the exact same thing once on this blog. I think it was Ina who corrected me. I easily forget what day it is since I’m not out there in the workforce 🙂

    @Everyone,

    Insha Allah you’re all preparing for nice loong days of fasting. I made some up over the last couple of weeks, so, Insha Allahm I’m prepared. It’s going to be interesting 🙂 I found myself needing a nap. I didn’t have enough time to eat much either and I couldn’t eat much.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Now that Ramadan is almost upon us again, I remembered something that you had mentioned in a post a while back. I tried to find the post, but I couldn’t, as there are so many comments on this blog. You said one of your non-Muslim friends said she doesn’t know what good fasting does, during the Holy month of Ramadan when they overeat at night. It was the gist of what was said, not verbatim. I don’t know what she thinks fasting is about or the purpose of it.

    She’s not Muslim, so of course she wouldn’t know that the purpose of fasting is to learn self-restraint. Allah says:

    The ayah about it is: “O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that ye may (learn) self-restraint,-” Quran, Surah 2, ayah 183

    For instance, this year those of us who fast will be fasting for 16 hours. It is 16 hours without food or drink. Not many people can fast even when the fasting hours are short. It makes sense that a person would be able to eat and enjoy him or herself in the hours they are permitted to eat in the evening. Fasting is a huge accomplishment for the person who does it.

    There are many blessing a person can receive from fasting. Allah doesn’t tell us all of them. We shouldn’t need to know them. The fact that he commanded us to do it should be sufficient.

    Allah says it is better that we fast, if we only knew. I wonder sometimes what the benefits may be. We know there is a possibility of weight loss. I think fasting those long hours gives the internal organs a rest, especially the digestive system. It could be restorative and cleanse the body. I find during the fasting hours my mind is clearer and there is a peacefulness in the air. I feel protected and safe. I feel a closeness to Allah. Those are just some of my thoughts about it. I don’t know the benefits, but I want them.

    Allah says, “And it is better for you that ye fast, if ye only knew.” Quran: Surah 2, ayah 184

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    It is good news to hear your holiday was wonderful and you and your hubz had good communication between you. I pray you enjoy your new furniture.

    I could understand your disappointment in not going to Umrah. All is not lost. Don’t despair. It just wasn’t time for you to go yet. Make your sincere intention to go in the near future. Make duah to Allah that He will let you go. Put some monies aside to prepare to go. You did well by thinking about and wanting to go. It was good that you felt disappointment that you weren’t able to go.

    I’ll quickly tell you my little story. I had wanted to go to Hajj and knew it was a duty on me, as I could afford it. I had fears and anxiety about going. I kept thinking about how I was going to do it. I began feeling guilty being on vacations without having performed Hajj. Next thing I knew, my Hubz came home and said we were going. He made all the arrangements and paid for the entire journey with premium accommodation and Hajj tour group. It was as simple as that.

    I say it all to you to say, I think you’re on the right track. You certainly can’t go alone. You can only do what you can do, which is make your sincere intent and preparation. You’re doing the right thing.

  • farah

    June 10, 2015

    Assalamualaikum All

    Feeling a bit angry and upset…frustrates me that my husband shares everything with the second wife she knows what we all look like what we do….how my staff looks like….I have not seen her….I sent a close friend of mine who is close to me and my husband to her workplace and she immediately called my husband saying ur friend here ,he then confronted me and offcourse I denied it but I realised he has told her everything in our life.I hate the fact that she knows more of me and my kids.He don’t discuss her with me at all.I don’t know how long I can take this….kassam I’m trying but I keep remembering things. ..she enjoying life because I’m working hard expensive holidays easy life while I’m slogging….she has no kids no responsibility I have our company to run kids to see to….feel I’m being used….I’m sooo hurt…I’m get affected when he brings me a gift as I will say she saw it in his bag…small things…I can’t cope I’m going nuts …I feel to vent my anger on her sooo much….plz tell me if I’m wierd….I never wanted this but now I’m in it

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum and hello to all our friends

    I apologize for approving the last couple of posts so late. Inshallah I’ll be back to read you soon 🙂

  • ummof4

    June 10, 2015

    Ummu Ain,
    May Allah continue to bless you and your husbamd with a marriage that gets better and better every year. To be married 17 years is a great accomplishment, especially when polygyny is added to the marriage. I echo what Ana said about polygyny making marriages better. Often the husband realizes that his wife (wives) that he had before the new marriage is truly a blessing to him and begins to show his appreciation for her more.
    I’m glad you like roses; I’m a chocoholic (presently in rehab) myself. I have a rose bush next to my house that blooms every year and I have to give the roses away because I have no use for them, even though they are pretty.

    To everyone, have a good week and a blessed Jum’uah tomorrow, In shaa’Allah. And everyone please make the best of Ramadan this year by doing what Allah has commanded us to do.

    Spirited, glad that you’re back. Hope you had a nice trip. We have a few other regulars that are missing in action. Check in from time to time.

  • Laila

    June 10, 2015

    Salam ladies. Apologies on my silence. I have just come home from a holiday to a wonderful resort based island and now my hands are full with loads of things that I have to clear. New furniture is arriving to my home soon and I have to get stuff sorted. I was supposed tonhead to Mecca for Umrah but somewhere somehow, hubbs suddenly decided otherwise. I went through a lot of drastic feelings. Anger, let down etc. But once there we actually had a lot of time to just talk. Even last night hubbs said that he has noticed that our relationship was developed into something very deep and that communication between us is way better. I hope everyone is doing great.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2015

    @Spirited, Hey There! Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You’re back I’ve been wondering if you returned yet. It’s wonderful you had a nice time. I can’t wait to hear all about it. I’ll reach out, Insha Allah

  • Spirited

    June 9, 2015

    Salaam gang,

    I hope you’ve all been well, and a hearty “welcome” to the new members!
    I’ve recently got back from trip, the wedding was nice, & it was great seeing family over there again.

    Post more later!

    @’ummu ‘ain, happy 17th anniversary! 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2015

    @’Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Sis

    HAPPY 17TH ANNIVERSARY TO YOU! You go, girl!

    I’m soooo happy that you’re sooooo happy. How sweet and thoughtful your husband is. He’s a keeper…

    He probably is so in awe of you. You kept selfishness at bay. He sees the beauty in you that he probably hadn’t seen before. It’s incredibly awesome what a change in lifestyle can do.

    Polygamy is a beautiful way of life. All the good derived from it way outweighs anything perceived as bad. It changes the marriage and the people in it for the better, based on what I know of it. The wife has to do a lot of introspection and she may see her husband as she never had seen him before in a positive way. The closeness it brings one to Allah is the best benefit of polygamy of all.

    Thank you for your post, my dear sister. It made me reflect. Today is such a beautiful day. Everyday above ground is a good day. Yeah, baby

  • 'Ummu 'Ain

    June 8, 2015

    Ouh…and I just want to share my joy with my dear sisters here…

    Hubs and I just celebrated our 17th anniversary yesterday. Alhamdulillah!! And for the first time ever, he actually planned a surprise for me…which involved a romantic video montage of our marriage life together and a bouquet of 17 roses…for 17 years of marriage. Our sweet 17.

    I do have to admit that actually it was the first time ever that he gave me roses. So…isn’t it sweet of him?

    Masyaa’Allah…how polygamy can change a man…hehehe…

    Allah had given me such joy yesterday…alhamdulillah wa tabaarakallah!!

  • 'Ummu 'Ain

    June 8, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum dear Sis Ana and lovely sisters of 411.

    At last …a chance to drop by. It has been quite hectic since school holidays started. I have been trying to juggle between work and family outings…whew….

    @Salma: Welcome to this family dear. I do hope you will hear out and heed the sincere advices given from the sisters in this blog. They are really genuine and come from real experiences. This is another reason why I love this blog.

    About your situation, I echo the comments by sis ana and sis ruqayyah. I could not have said it better then them.

    I am a first. My marriage has gotten from good to great since it became polygamous. I believe it is with Allah’s grace and mercy that it happens. Alhamdulillah!!

    And it’s very true about what sis ruqayyah mentioned…about Allah bringing to us only whatever that we can cope. He has stated this in His Book in the very last verse in Surah Al-Baqarah, 2 : 286…”Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope.”

    So…as the Islamic clichè goes, “If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it.”

    Our job is to have undeterred faith, my dear sis. And sis ana has reminded us again of syaitan’s game and his ultimate mission…to distrust Allah and whatever he has planned for us.

    Hope to hear from you again.

    Much love to all!!

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Salma,

    I think the husband, too, fails to realize that when he marries again and becomes polygamous, his whole life, his first wife’s life and the life of the additional wife change. When the variables change, everything changes. It changes because things are different.

    Say for instance, his wife was all about the kids and neglected her husband. Do you think for a moment that when she learns her husband is about to marry someone else, she won’t wake up and smell the coffee. She’s going to get a wake up call. Her entire world is going to be turned upside down. She may have not have paid attention to him before, but her utmost attention is going to be on him once he tells her about you. She will begin to compete with you, initially, because it a spontaneous thing a woman is inclined to do. You will become her rival, so she’s going to makes some changes to herself and her marriage. He probably hadn’t expected her to change.

    No one knows what tomorrow is going to bring. Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. As Ruqayyah stated, he may see her in a new light. She may come alive sensually and sexually. It may be the start of a new chapter in his and her lives. We don’t want to upset you. We simply know how it goes – how it works. We just don’t want you to be caught off guard.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Hear! Hear! to what you said to Salma. Love the advice!

  • Ruqayyah

    June 6, 2015

    Please if you go ahead with this Salma you need to get rid of the negative and jealous feelings, I have watched a friend do this and it ended so badly for her. Everything was a competition, especially with his kids (as she had kids herself and expected him to automatically love her kids as he did his own which is crazy). It is not a competition at times especially at the beginning it will be hard but you guys will grow together and this takes time. Marriage including monogamy is so hard, I’ve been in monogamy for 3 years and there have been times I feel I can’t cope and there are times where I am so blissfully happy. You need to be positive, Allah will never give you a situation you cannot cope with, Allah is with you, you cannot allow shaytaan to win and when everyone seems to be against you and he seems to favour others then you just got to pick youself up and keep going waiting for the storm to end and it always does.
    Do not think you are in a competition with his kids, you will not win. They are his blood and more than likely will come 1st but that does not mean you will not be loved or taken care of. If you understand his bond to his kids and his need to be there for them it will only strengthen your relationship but if you fight against them and him he will not and should not chose you over them.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 6, 2015

    @Salma, I encourage you not to hold onto the hope that his 1st wife is not interested in him as a husband but only as a father. Sometimes polygamy ignites a desire in the wife again and she suddenly desires her husband so much and it can truly light the fire of passion in their marriage again. You need to think of them having a marriage because wat if the day comes where their once rocky marriage become a strong one again and she wants him and he wants her, how will you cope? Will you feel cheated because its not what you signed up for? But she is his wife and is allowed to have intimacy and romance with her husband. Most wives I’ve known to hold onto this hope that his marriage is just for the kids or for show have been hurt down the road when they realise it is not true.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Salma,

    No one knows how your life will turn out, if you marry the man who you are intended to. As you know, no one has a crystal ball. No one knows the future. You could surmise, guess, and dream about how you think things will be if you marry the man.

    To dwell on the past or go into the future is simply living in your mind. You need to stay in the moment as best you can. You can only make your intent to go into the marriage, and make the best of it. It’s all you could do. His children are his children who are there in his life and it’s something you will simply have to accept if you marry him.

    Pray to Allah for guidance and direction with regard to the matter. Make your intent and leave the rest to Allah, It will only be what Allah has decreed it to be, anyhow.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Salma,

    You said a mouth full when you said your mind is clouded with negativity. WOW! I think you are the most negative person that I’ve met here on the blog. How do you expect to have a good marriage or even peace and contentment in your life the way you think? You said you think you will be unhappy and unable to cope; you will become unbearable due to jealousy; he will begin to hate you; you will over react and hurt him and the children. Negativity breeds negativity. You need to be optimistic and think good thoughts. Nothing good comes from something bad.

    Do you recognize where your negative thoughts are coming from? Those negative thoughts that you have are from Satan. Satan whispers all that negativity to you and you entertain him. You listen to Satan. Satan is your friend. He is your evil companion. You need to work on your thoughts and get them in check, if you want any peace and contentment in your life.

    Evey woman dreams about being in love in a monogamous marriage, and living happily-ever-after. It’s a fairytale. No one has an ideal life on this planet. They don’t have the life they envisioned. We have the life Allah has given us. Being a Muslim/Believer is about accepting the life that Allah has given us and take no exception to it. Allah wrote the script; we didn’t.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @salma,

    About his children, I don’t think you really need to worry about them much. You probably won’t spend much up close and personal time with them. I don’t know their ages, but if they are young, their mother probably won’t want them around you. If they are older, even better, they probably won’t want to be bothered with you. They’ve got their own lives and interests that probably won’t include you. If anything, you may find he has to excuse himself from you to be with his children for family outings, school events etc. It shouldn’t be a major issue, as you could work out a schedule that accounts for those events.

    I don’t quite understand how you think you would have to compete with his children for his love. What does one have to do with the other? What does his love for you have to do with his love for his children? I’m confused by the statement. The love of a spouse is different than love of children. I think you’re mixing apples with oranges.

    He could see his children anytime. Seeing his children shouldn’t interfere with you seeing him unless there is an emergency involving the children on your days. I presume you and his other wife will have a schedule. It’s how it usually works. Have you discussed with your intended what the schedule will probably be? If he has to be with the children on your evening, for instance, you could have him make up the time. You could work it out.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2015

    @Salma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to the 411 and thank you very much for all your kind words. I’m glad you have commented and it’s my intention to help you as best I can. Insha Allah, others will input, as well.

    You said you’re thinking about marrying a married man who says his wife only wants him as a father to her children. When you said it, a red flag went up – beware, danger. I say this because men are quick to tell a potential wife that nothing is going on between him and his current wife. It’s quite common. No women wants to marry a married man who readily admits that he loves his current wife. She doesn’t want to believe he has sex with her, loves her, kisses her, converses with her or anything else.

    Many men tell the potential wife what he believes she wants to hear so she’d think she’s got something special that his current wife doesn’t have. Usually, down the road (later), she learns he fed her untruth. He does love his other wife and they probably live as husband and wife. Even if they didn’t, once he marries the other woman, the first wife usually steps up her game and become the wife she needs to be or he wants her to be. I only say it because I know how these men roll and they’ll say anything to lure the woman in and get her to say yes to becoming a second wife.

    He says he is only there for the kids. People with kids whom they love very much divorce wives all the time. Men who don’t want to leave their first wives give the potential second wives the excuse that they stays with the first wives for the sake of the children. It’s usually a bull crap excuse.

    I’d say, if you intend to marry this man, go in with the thought that he is more to his current wife than what he has lead you to believe. You both will be his wife.

  • Salma

    June 6, 2015

    Assalamu alaikum beautiful ladies,

    Alhamdulillah I have found this website, I have accepted an offer of marriage to become a second wife. But I now have thoughts that are mentally excruciating.

    His first wife does not want him in any form other than being father to his children, I got over this. I saw it as a blessing, where this man needs a wife to show him affection and love he doesn’t receive from another.

    I now have feelings of not being concerned about her but the children, I have this jealousy building up that if I marry how will I cope with his time dedicated to his four children and bringing them up. Will he have time for me, or am I being stringed along to fill a gap? How will I accept the children? They’re not mine.

    I know they are innocent and it is his duty to bring them up as good believing Muslims, but I can’t seem to get my head around how my day to day life will be, any thought of us being a couple is driven out by the fact that he will leave me hanging to tend to his children always. I feel like my love for him will have to compete against his love for his children. My thoughts spiral out of control and I am starting to become depressed before the situation has even arrived at my doorstep. I look into the future mentally trying to picture life but I see myself unhappy and unable to cope. What if I become a woman that is unbearable because of jealousy and he begins to hate me, when I know if I take myself out of the situation I have nothing but love to give.

    Alhamdulillah I have always received the best through my life only through Allah blessing me, nothing comes from other than him. In a way I have been spoiled and I can never thank Allah enough. but I must have lacked somewhere because rather than being grateful I deem that everything should be perfect in my life. I dreamt of being married and having a monogomous marriage and all would be roses.

    Now confronted with this issue I don’t know whether to press on ahead or run for my dear life. I trust him to be fair, alhamdulillah he has good adab and understanding and good men are hard to come by. He has conveyed that he will always try his best but no one is perfect and we must have understanding. But I am the possessive type and think in certain situation I will over react and hurt him and the children with my tantrums. The worst thing I want in marriage is to drive him away.

    Hearing sisters stories on here I have anxiety about the hurt and distress the years ahead will be filled with. I want to believe there is hope in a marriage like this but my mind is clouded by negativity.

    Does it ever become easy sisters or is it always going to be a constant battle against oneself because that is exhausting and I feel like I can never live up to it. What if the situation drains the love out the marriage and all that is left is two people getting by.

    You are all so strong subhanallah, very enduring women that I have a profound love for because you are by far better women than myself who is selfish and needy of a dedicated husband.

    How can I build up any understanding that this will ever work? How do you get around the thought of the children who are a part of him and always will be, whom he loves greatly?

    Others have had nothing good to say and tell me of the situation not being ever pleasent and that I have to be sacrificing everything that I have ever wanted from a marriage because the children will always come first. Culturally it is also a stigma to be a second wife so there will be turbulence initially and I wonder if I ever will be strong enough to cope with what this kind of marriage entails.

    I would appreciate anything and everything to help me through these thoughts.

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2015

    @jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear about what you’re dealing with. I don’t think there is an answer to your questions that will make things easier for you. If I understand you correctly, on the days your husband is supposed to be with you, he doesn’t arrive at your home until 10:00 p.m. or after. You believe he spends the extra time with his other wife because she has told you it. You spoke with him about it. You said to him, it is unacceptable to you and you want him to arrive home earlier. Now, suddenly, he is saying his job has given him an extra shift, which causes him still to get to you after 10:00 p.m.

    It’s apparent his other wife simply wants to upset you and turn you against your husband. She’s doing a good job at it. You freaked out on him. She accomplished her mission. I think you’ve done what any woman would have done under the circumstances at some point in her marriage.

    You asked whether you should confront him. Do you think if he’s lying he will say, for instance, Honey, you’re right; I’ve lied. I really go to so and so’s home to be with her as I had been doing all along, but I say I’m working another shift? I doubt it would go that way. So, you confronted him, now what?

    I find in a situation such as yours, you have to do the things Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to do when we have problems in a marriage. I’ve outline all the options before on the blog. I think it was in the May 2015 discussions. If all does not work, you either suck it up and accept the conditions as is or get to steppin (leave the marriage).

    If a man loves his wife and does NOT want to lose her, and she WILL, WILL, WILL, undoubtedly, unequivocally, definitively will leave if he doesn’t straighten up and fly right, guess what? He straightens up and flies right. If he doesn’t straighten up and fly right – gets his act together, it tells the wife where exactly she stands in the polygamous marriage.

    You have to determine what you will and will not accept. No one can make a person do what he or she wants the person to do.

    I say, take the matter to Allah. In the Holy Quran He says:
    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the arguments between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).” Quran: Surah 58, Ayah 1

  • jasmina

    June 5, 2015

    Salam ssisters. I need your advice. As i said before my husband gets home at about 10pm sometimes close to midnight. I demanded that he fix this and get home early. Also just the other day his other wife told me that he is with her all the time which made me freak out even more. Anyhow I believe he goes to her house straight after work and comes home to me after 10pm. Well now he suddenly he has to work late as his work have given him another shift. meaning he leaves at 4am and comes home after 10. It’s all very convenient this work thing plus it’s illigal to be working 16-18 hours straight. I don’t believe him but I have no proof. Should I confront him? how should i do it?

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    Here is a link to a nice article to read about 2 Muslimahs who won a US Supreme Court case about the Hijab http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-32967135

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    @Muhajirah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words. I appreciate them much! All the wonderful prayers you’ve made for me and the other lovely ladies here, I pray for you, as well.

    I am truly grateful that Allah has given us this forum to discuss our Islamic way of life from a positive perspective. I pray Allah blesses us and rewards us all for our efforts to accept His decrees and obey his commands. It’s wonderful to be able to speak with like minded people, and not have to defend our way of life

    Much salaam!

  • Muhajirah

    June 1, 2015

    As salamu alaikum wa rahmatuAllah wa barrakatuh
    Dear sisters,

    I am new on this blog, and just want to say
    “DschasakAllahu chairan” – may Allah give you the best reward for all your nice thought provoking words.
    It helps, to think in a better, healthier, islamic way – i try …
    Its not working from today until tomorrow, but with time and always remembering it will in sha Allah.

    I thank Allah that i found this community here, may Allah bless you.

    May Allah open our mind in the right way with the right understanding of His religion, may He help us to see the way to him clear, may He fill our hearts with peace and a warm deep love to HIM.

    Wa alaikum salam

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello Everyone out there in cyberspace

    Welcome to our June discussion forum for 2015. Please note: I published a new post/thread yesterday about information that should be a reminder for us all. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/wife-possesses-husband/