June 2016 Discussions

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polygamy 411 June 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 June 2016 discussions

polygamy 411 June 2016 discussions

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170 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 2, 2016

    This thread is now May 2016 discussions

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    Once again, we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the June 2016 discussions and welcome in July 2016.

    Please join us at https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-july-2016-discussions/

    June 2016 discussions

  • Karima

    June 25, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum!

    thank you Ana and Ummof2 for your prompt reply.  I really appreciate your true honest input.

    i might have sound ungrateful…maybe it’s true…:I’m trying to let go  of the past… Since 2009 I’m in this. Since 2011 things got really really bad.  I’m upset with my husband cause I clearly told him pls don’t do sthng behind my back. If u ever fall in love come n tell me.  Don’t make me through what my dad made my mom go through. What she had to put up with is nothing in comparison to my situation. Astagfirullah I might have sound ungrateful indeed.

    at the moment two nights per month doesn’t sleep here.  He could be with her and not driving to another city for work.  My recent sms es towards my husband I made it clear to him I’m tying to accept polygyny cause it’s a part of Islam. If I can live it I don’t know but im not rejecting him. I’m trying to put aside the past any feelings and told him he can do as he wishes  but if he is engaged to polygyny or want to be he should be just and fair. So for the moment maybe he’s here cause of our young kids but later on If they will have kids all this will change I guess…

    its tiring and exhausting to keep guessing how he feels what he thinks etc…. Honestly I care much less as long the rights of our family is met…. It’s much better since I love him much less and turned my attention to Allah Alhamdulellah.

    The rest is between him and Allah.

    I could b going for hours writing what I did for him and that I didn’t deserve this… But I guess this things happen and he didn’t want to hurt me so yes even now he is avoiding the subject and I have stopped attacking him. Or asking things which answer would hurt or would be a lie…

    alhamdulellah for the good n the bad.

    thank you sisters!!!! May Allah give you health and a good life

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    Umm of 2

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’re so right that we need to be grateful to Allah. Karima needs to ask herself how she thinks she’d feel if her marriage was like some whose husbands get to them late on their day and leaves early. There are some who gets no nights because they are secret wives. Karima is getting every single night, except the overnight that he goes to visit patients.

    It’s all about getting acclimated to polygamy. It’s a long, arduous journey. One doesn’t transition overnight. You and I know that https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

  • Umm of2

    June 24, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all

    sis karima I suggest you simply assume he’s married to her. You can deal better if you do then rather thinking they are living in sin because that thought will eat you alive. I can’t remember clearly but I think you mentioned he spends every night with you and dosent leave for long periods so just take what’s being served to you before Allah turns the tables on you for not being grateful. 

  • Karima

    June 24, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

     

    jazakallah kheir sister Ana thank you for taking the time to write n advice me. Inshallah with time I’ll get stronger and Allah will make it easier n give me a way out if that’s what’s written for me or give me the strength to live with it! Amin ya Rab. May Allah shower you with his blessings, your sister in faith Karima

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    Karima,

    One thing I would suggest is that you not talk about the haram act that you committed. Put that behind you and don’t speak of it to anyone again. It’s nobody’s business but yours. I’m sure you repented to Allah for it . You are now married. You prayed to Allah for His forgiveness. Allah is an oft-forgiving, Most Merciful God. Leave that in the past.

    About asking your husband questions. It’s best if we don’t ask people questions when we know the answer will probably hurt us. What good is knowing something that you can do nothing about? You, yourself said that you’ve spent months being emotionally exhausted from trying to find out the truth from you husband. Insha Allah, you’ll get the truth when Allah wants you to have it, whether it’s here on this planet or on the Day of Judgement.  Take it easy.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    Stupid people out there come here acting like they’ve got to rescue somebody and take them away from here. Don’t they think that people explored the World Wide Web before they ended up here?  Hellllooooo. Or do they think the people just turned on the computer and found polygamy 411 instantly? REALLY?  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    It’s terrible how some people hate polygamy so much that they can’t leave those alone who are trying to accept it. They write as though I brought people to this blog and won’t let them leave. How ignorant can they be? Why are they all up in our business here anyhow. If they don’t like polygamy good for them, but they can’t leave it at that. They want to take people down with them. SMH https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2016

    karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your post inspired me to write a post/thread on polygamy and divorce. I wrote it quickly, so I hope everyone understands it, and I didn’t confuse anyone. I began writing a post yesterday to respond to two people whose posts I trashed, but I got sidetracked. The post that I just wrote will address them too. It’s: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-and-divorce/

    karima, I copied your post about divorce and put it on the new thread.

  • Karima

    June 24, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum 

    I hope you are well sis Ana and all sisters in this helpful blog. I would like to ask a question: so I’m really trying not to ask questions to my husband so as not to make him lie in my face, cause he would, he is not ready or never will be to tell me he has been married to that woman. I’m trying to avoid the subject after so many months of emotional exhaustion.   I feel very distant from him. I feel we have nothing in common apart from the kids. We try to be nice polite we give our rights to each other. It feels weird I think I deserve the Oscar in terms of unhappy wife pretending to be happy lol.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful I try to think of the many blessings i have, ahamdulleh. My question is, I don’t reject polygyny cause I want to improve my deen come closer to Allan and be forgiven for my pre marriage haram relationship with my husband, and my weak faith:(  but if I can’t live it, I mean if I keep trying but I’m exhausted from faking my happy life with him- not real communication apart from kids issues- can I divorce? It will depend of course how I manage to get a job and support myself…. Or i ll be considered a disbeliever?  I dont know… I’m just thinking out loud… Jazak Allah kheir

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    melz,

    I was just getting ready to write to you. I just got home a short while ago. The ladies here who advised you gave you very good advice. The best thing to do is remember Allah as much as possible. Ask him to take you through this. He says remembrance of him is the greatest thing without doubt. Is he gone for three days? Whose idea was it for you to pack his bags for his trip? It sounds like a bit much that you’d do it. Insha Allah, maybe you should let him pack his own bag when he goes to her next time, at least until you are stronger.

    To buy the book, go to http://amzn.to/2dSx6NC I think the book could help you. It will give you an inside look of what is customary to a degree and what you could expect.

    Stay strong. We’re hear if you want to talk {{{hugs}}}

  • melz

    June 22, 2016

    Ana,

    Do you have the link to your book or the name of it so that i can search it up and buy it in sha Allah? 

    I could use every resource possible right now to calm myself down about the changes happening in my life https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    I meant I love my husband much less not my son !!!

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum to all

    i feel for you Melz…. My husband just went out n i don’t know if he went to her or just to hang around with his friends. What point to ask him he could lie as always in order to protect himself or not to hurt me, who really knows? He ll be back of course in 2 hours aprox he always sleeps here , even if he comes late, apart from twice a month that he’s supposed to travel to see patients in another city. He would leave at Friday at 7 pm n be back next day at 4-5 pm. Work he calls it lol.  in my case I don’t know if he sees his mistress or his secret wife. Ana adviced me better to think of her as his wife and leave the matter in the hands of Allah. I’m trying.not always easy went though years of crying my eyes out and neglecting my self and my kids. Always cleaned and cooked and Alhamdulellah didn’t show to the world what’s happening to me but there were times when my son was the victim of my bad mood and feeling sick having headaches not having real conversation with him just giving him the iPad so I could be left alone…. Alhamdulellah now it’s better as I love him much less.  Ummof4 gave great advice inshallah ull feel better soon. Masalama 

  • ummof4

    June 22, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Melz, it’s good to hear from you again.  It’s good that your husband and his wife are not sneaking around to see each other.  Now to your question.  The first night is difficult because you realize that the polygyny is real.  I had 2 children, so I concentrated a lot on them the first night.  You can do something fun with your child.  Do a Ramadan craft with your daughter.  Read Qur’aan to her.   It will help to ease the thoughts of your husband and his new wife being together.  If you can, give some sadaqah to a Muslim less fortunate than you.  

    Remember, we’re here for you if you need to vent or just a shoulder or two to cry on.   You’re doing fine, keep up the positive outlook.

    Ramadan is half over, let’s make the best of what’s left, everyone!

  • Tasliyman

    June 22, 2016

    Aslm Melz, my heart goes out to you. 

    I dont have any advice for you other than just to remember that Allah says in the Holy Quran “after difficulty comes ease”.  

    My husband always reminds me of that. Remember also that situations are temporary.  This hardship will pass too. 

    Focus on Allah by reciting the Quran.  You will be ok. You seem to be a wonderful person. 

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    melz,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back to talk with you. I have to run out for a while. I’ll check comments on my phone while I’m out,  so I can approve comments, if anyone writes. Maybe some of the lovely ladies here have some words for you.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Karima,

    I thank  you for being herehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifYou seem to be a lovely, good, kind heart of a person. Good comes to those who do good. So much good awaits us all if we put Allah first.

    I think you’re taking a step in the right direction by not focusing so much on your husband. Whatever wrong he is doing, don’t for a minute think that he is getting away with it. He is not.Any wrong that he has done to you, he’s not wronging you, he’s wronging his own soul. Allah Sees and Knows all things and he’s taking account.

    We don’t have to watch over our husbands. We can communicate with them, speak with them about what is right and what we see that they are doing wrong. At a point, we have to leave them be because we can’t change them. We can’t change anyone but ourselves. I know it’s difficult when we love someone. We want to help them. Sometimes they can’t be helped by us. When we spend so much time trying to get our husbands right, it only drags us down and turn us away from our true purpose on this earth. Allah says He created us to serve Him and Him alone. How can we serve Allah when our backs are towards him and we’re facing our husbands all the time?

    I won’t comment much on Music because it’s a controversial issue. I listen to music on occasion, not often because I find it ends up playing in my head a lot and I have to battle to keep from hearing it. It could be one reason to avoid it. Allah knows best. It’s about as much of a position that I take on music for myself.

    So, you were into classical music – cool. I admire anyone who can play an instrument. I’m in awe at people who play the weird looking instruments like the cello or a harp LOL I have put music video’s on the blog here from time to time. To each his or her own about music. We have enough to deal with on this blog about polygamy. It’s interesting and exciting to know you’ve got it like that – a classical girl.  You go girl!

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    Jazakallahkheir sisters Ana and Ummof2https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif.  I have a lot of reading to do , reflecting on ur answers and older posts which though I read I must keep reading and reading them. inshallah Allah will make it easier on me. My goal is not to give up salah no matter what! The rest isnhallah it will come with time.  Your sister in faith Karima

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Message for Everyone in Cyberspace!

    I want to remind all in cyberspace who are thinking about writing here on this blog (polygamy 411) that it is a blog for those who have a POSITIVE INTEREST in Islam. This blog is NOT for those who think polygamy is wrong, those who think that men shouldn’t be allowed to engage in it, and those who believe no woman should tolerate it.  IT’S NOT FOR YOU, if you believe any of those three things that I mentioned.

    So, please don’t come here to this blog and spout that rhetoric. Don’t come here and counter everything that everyone on this blog has said and think your post will get approved. IT WON’T. So, think twice before you post something that will end up in the trash.

     

     

  • Umm of2

    June 22, 2016

    “Life is a balance of letting go and holding on”. Rumi

  • Umm of2

    June 22, 2016

    Thank you sis Ana 🙂 

    i pray everyone’s Ramadan is going well. 

  • Umm of2

    June 22, 2016

    Karima you’re doing great by making your intentions to re direct your focus and energy solely on Allah. I have faith you will get through this if you do 🙂 don’t beat yourself up about it. You live you learn now move forward. Lesson learned InshaAllah. 

  • melz

    June 22, 2016

    Salaamu alaykum ladies, i had posted a few weeks ago about my husband taking on a young wife in secret from her family. Anyway today they moved out, so its the first night on my own and I don’t know how to control my thoughts. I packed his bag and he grabbed it and left. I cant believe i even did that https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    I dont even know what advise to ask for, i just feel so weird, my husband is spending the night with anofher woman for the first time. How do i stop thinking about that!! Im trying my hardest to function normal for my little daughter but i honestly cant control the waswas in my ear wondering what his doing. Seing him online and not msging me is even more driving me crazy even though i also will not msg him while his with her. 

    How did you cope on your first night alone? By alone i mean im living with his family so i dont even have the privacy to sit and cry or not do anything around the house. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    SAlam dear Ana

    i love you for the sake of ALlah. Reading your posts for so long I’ve come to love u and respect you. May Allah reward your hard work your time and Effort in helping me and so many others. I do read Quran more often now, translation but isnhallah in autumn I’m gonna start Quran lessons at the local masjid . I am trying to make new plans for me to swift the center of my life from my Husband to Allah. That’s why I abandoned my career too cause it has to do with music( classical music but still music) That’s also is costing me a lot but I had to cause I couldn’t keep doing it from an Islamic point of U and because have no family around to help with the kids. Isnhallah God will guide me to get Normal halal job once my little one goes to the kindergarten. Thank you Ana for being here for me

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    Umm of 2

    You are right the problem is he Used to be my whole world for hím i wasnt eating or sleeping for him i abandoned my country my family my friends my social circle my promising career:(. But still he was the means to get to know with Islam Alhamdulellah.  This was written for me. Many times I go back thinking I wish I never have met him but then again I feel it’s a sin and big ungrateful ness form my side to say that.   All these years being in pain stress and agony over him made me loving him much less and turn to Allah. I realised the past few months my heart needs to be alive for Allah not for him. And I try to change but it’s difficult and I relapse. Each day feels up and down and were times I was a terrible impatient mother depressed and gloomy feeling like a zombi.  My whole life revolved around him . I feel I sacrificied so many things for him. He has given me the biggest gift my two kids he can’t give me anything bigger than that. He is a good patient calm guy great father but not s talkative person.  That’s how he waa always he hasn’t changed .   Sometimes k think I’m to be blamed for staying with a guy j don’t match we don’t match. Trying to please him to make him love me to feel special all the time. A got a big wake up call.  In my worse moments though he says he was there and did what he could I felt alone . I didn’t receive the emotional support I needed. Neither when I got panick attacks before we get married, lasted  for 4 years, neither during and after my pregnancies. Astagfirullah I neglected him too obviously. That’s why he turned to her that’s his excuse.  So for us women we are made to please men and to suffer because of them? Why it has to hurt so much? May god forgive my weak faith…. Jazakallahkheir kheir sister for taking the time and write to me 

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Umm of2,

    If I’m not mistaken, I think Tasliyman said it. It was heavy. I took notice of it too, when she said it. There are a lot of perks, and spiritual benefits to being in a polygamous marriage.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    WOW, Umm of2. Your post was beautiful!!! It was excellent – like poetry in motion. The way to go!

  • Umm of2

    June 22, 2016

    One of the sisters here said something so powerful. That if they were not in a polygamous marriage they most certainly would have made their husband their world in a monogamous marriage unintentionally just subconsciously . This really hit a nerve for me because before marriage I would imagine how I would run my home and all the extravagant things I would do for my husband and how I would live to pls him that’s how much I would love him. He would be my everything my knight in shining armour I would have gotten a wake up call real quick yes ma’am 

  • Umm of2

    June 22, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum all, 

     

    karima you sound to be in so much pain I really feel bad for you. But this is another example of what happens when one becomes Muslim for the wrong reasons. We hear it over and over again. Sis Ana already explained to you the defects of that so I won’t revisit it. It’s good to know you are now praying your five daily prayers everyday not only in Ramadan. That’s a great start. Many think they have to do a long list of things before they can even think of going back to offering salaah but that’s a misconception offering your salaah is your protection which fights off the whispers of the devil and worldly temptation. It’s your shield. 

    Karima you have made your husband your world, your everything, your reason for living and that’s a huge mistake. That’s where you went wrong and I suppose why you are suffering so badly. Only ALLAH should be your everything, the center of your soul, the key to your heart, your reason for being NOT your husband. 

    Try focusing on your relationship with your husband and let whatever he is doing in the dark go. He will have to answer  to it one day not you. Stop trying to control him because it will only increase the gap between you two. And you don’t own him, you’re not his parent, stop giving ultimatums because you apparently still love him and those are just empty threats. And it’s only hurting you in the end. This is the time to kick your husband to the curve a little bit and come to learn about ALLAH and Islam. Read Quran, understand it, follow it to the best of your ability only then will you feel a ray of peace and contentment in your life. You will thrive, your marriage will thrive. As long as you direct that love that’s meant only for Allah, towards your husband, you will continue to suffer. End the cycle now. Change the pattern of your ways. Wishing you the best of luck. You can do this karima sis. Fight this battle against your own self and WIN

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s okay. I’m not to busy to talk with you. I find time to talk here when I can. I may write quickly at times, but I try to get here to write. I like talking with you. I know what you’re going through and it really hurts a lot, but you’re going to get stronger and be okay. You will probably find you’re better and happier than you’ve ever been.

    Thanks for the congrats on the book. If you read it, you’ll find that you’re just like most and there’s not much of a difference. There are some differences here and there, as in some cos all live together. You want to stay away from that. Don’t touch it with a 10 foot pole.

    I suggest you stop trying to get your husband to confess. He’s probably trying to protect himself, her and you by not admitting that he’s married to her. If I were you, I’d just assume that they are married. Believe that they are. What harm does it do you if they aren’t? It’s better to think of them as married oppose to thinking he may be an adulterer. Adultery is a heinous sin. So, for this point forward, view her as his wife and stop the wondering. If he’s not married to her, he is only ruining his own soul. Stop worry your head about it. It’s not worth it.

    You best believe that his other is going through a serious thing too. You said it – he said she tried or said she’d commit suicide in front of him. She wants to end the relationship, too. I don’t think the majority of husbands and wives really wanted any parts of polygamy. Many of the husbands don’t understand why they are in it either. Everyone say why they are in it and why they stay. The real reason is because Allah decided it.

    I wrote this quickly. Insha Allah, I’ll be back to chat later in the day or evening.

  • Karima

    June 22, 2016

    Salam dear Ana

    yes you are right. For once I do want to understand Islam and not be a hypocrite. My mind understand and accepts polygyny my heart is in pain obviously cause it’s impure.  I’m turning to Allah and try to submit to his will.  What’s written is written.  What happened happened I did many mistakes obviously we are all suffering.  You can’t make anyone love u when u don t love and like yourself…. I need to work on myself. As I have none to talk to really, I can’t talk with non muslims , I only have this blog to come for knowledge and comfort.  I know there’s much worse happening in the world. It hurts cause my ego and femininity is hurt and my dreams are shattered. It was but a dream.  I can’t force my husband to say anything. I tried but he’s not answering . Not knowing is what troubles me.  I don’t know if they are married . How to try to make peace with it since I don’t know if it happened or he plans to marry her.  He is protecting me by denying the truth or he is confused on what to do??? I really appreciate your time and effort in such a busy time for you congrats on ur book I’m gonna order it inshallah soon. May ALlah make is easy on all of us Amin 

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Karima,

    I read your other post. Why do men lie? I don’t know know, but a whole lot of them do. Allah says in the Quran that there are people who only deal in conjecture and lies. Are the husbands some of them? I’d imagine.

    All that you’ve mentioned that you’ve been going through is the same as what most of the ladies here have gone through or are going through. It’s all in the book that I’ve just written and published, as well. Don’t feel or think that you are alone because you are not, not by a long shot. You’re way normal. I’ve got to run now. Catch you later, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2016

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know it’s a lot to digest. Maybe you’ll come back and read the posts again as a reminder because it’s so easy for us to forget. I have so many notebooks, several of them all with Islamic notes in them that I used to study all the time. I have pages of notes on my computer. Most of my notebooks and notes on the computer are from study lessons that my wali and I did together via phone. We used to study daily. We still discuss Islam daily as Islam is our life.

    I think you should re-read your post and take a good look at what you’ve said. You said that you will try to accept polygamy if it’s really what your husband wants to do. You need to really accept polygamy because it’s part of our religion. It doesn’t mean that you have to live it, but you need to be receptive to it. How could a Muslim dislike a way of life that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBuh) and the Mothers of the Believers lived?

    And then you said you told him what he can do – live polygamy the last 1/2 of the year. Who are you to tell him that? You’re not his keeper. You’re not his boss. Where do you think you got the right from to tell your husband what to do. If anything, Allah tells the wife to be obedient to her husband, not vice versa.

    You said she knew he was married and had kid. Yes, and? Polygamy is allowed and if it’s going to exist, there will be women who marry married men. The men will be interested in other women and there will be women that are interested in them. It’s really no different than how the women who married first met and married their husbands, when you think about it.

    How the husbands make the wife to look as an excuse to marry them is so annoying to me. Your husband said he’s with his other because she a “poor soul from a dysfunctional family.” I hate when men say that crap. Just say, “I’m into her and want to marry her. No, but they always make the other wife, (whether she married him 1st, 2nd or 3rd) out to be some reject who can’t get anyone else or can’t manage without him. It makes me want to barf.

    I’m continuing to read you. There you go again, telling him he could marry someone else but not her. Again, who died and left you boss? You don’t own him. You don’t get to tell him what to do.

    Karina, you sound to be on the right track. In reading the rest of your post, it seems you really, truly want to live right and do the right thing. You’re doing good. It takes time to get to a very good place in life on this planet and in a polygamous marriage. As baseema said, it is not quick, nor easy.

    Keep up the good work. Keep studying and learning. Keep turning to Allah. I think it’s a blessing that you’re not that into your husband anymore. Living in a polygamous marriage could be a woman’s ticket to Paradise/Jannah. I see it as a means to purify the soul.

    We’re here for you and will try to help as best we can. {{{hugs}}}

  • Moipone

    June 22, 2016

    Ana 

    oh my goodness it would be funny going at it. I loved the movie Catch Me If You Can Leonardo was amazing. 

    Yes God knows best but you cant leave us wondering what happened years later. I see a series here :-). It would be amazing if they turned your book into a movie (I love Movies). I would love to see someone portray your co going neurotic https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif.  

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Everything will be okay. You’re just having a bad day today, but Insha Allah, tomorrow will be better. Don’t allow yourself to get down in the dumps. If you find yourself there, you don’t have to stay there. Be that mouse that I reference in the post below. Don’t lay down and just die. You must fight. Fight the good fight.

    It’s natural that wives will compare themselves to one another when married to the same man. Try not to do it, if you can. A husband sees different things in his wives. He doesn’t view the wives the way they view each other. Men could be attracted to wives for various reasons, maybe they themselves don’t know the reason https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    The thing to be mindful of is that the best person is the one who is the most righteous. The most righteous person is the most honorable in the sight of Allah.

    Strive to be the most honorable one – not to win over your husband, but to be foremost in faith and foremost in the Hereafter It’s what’s most importanthttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    Don’t allow yourself to have a pity party. Snap out of it!

    I hope no one comes trying to beat me down for saying that. It has happened before SMH

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    Hi MOIPONE ISLAM,

    Consider yourself blessed that you and your co don’t speak the same language LOL  It would be funny to see you two going at it and not knowing what was said. You’d be able to imagine though. It would be soooo funny.

    You must feel so good, getting all pretty and beautified, exercising and such. Good for you.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif A lot of good can come from being pushed into polygamy. It a long, difficult road to travel on the journey, but there could be a lot of benefits. You’re just becoming more awesome than ever 🙂

    I wrote the book while being cognizant of non-Muslims too. It’s why I used the word “God” and not Allah. Although Allah is the Arabic name for God, some people don’t see it as one and the same. Everyone on the planet knows what “God” is all about or have an idea. I am marketing the book to all women (Muslim and non-Muslim). I agree with you that the book should be helpful to all women in learning about the lifestyle and, as you said, help them to keep their sanity at the same time.

    I don’t foresee another book insight. Girrrrrl, it was hard work. A lot goes into writing a book – I mean it’s lotz of work. For six months I did nothing but work on it. SMH. I don’t know how some people are cranking out 3, 4, 5 and more of them. It’s incredible. I think this one book was it for me. God knows best. I know I’m not thinking about writing another one LOL

  • Karima

    June 21, 2016

    Salam Ana

    and i asked him Many times let’s all meet and talk about this mess and see what can be done how we can solve it or learn how to live with it.he told me she wants to meet with me too. But he doesn’t think is a good idea.  In December when she contacted me and Sent me a picture of them together she said he is lying to her and me and she doesn’t want him and she s trying to finish it with him n he’s after her and he sent her for abortion. And I’m too good for him.   I wanted him to read our chat he denied . I have saved over the years what she’s been sending me. He told me there was a time she tried to make suicide in front of him. She is alone and goes to him for. Help.  Either they have an affair . Either she’s the secret wife. After all the pain we all are going through why he can’t say the truth??? 

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    I’m reading the book, “Catch Me If You Can” and I’m watching it simultaneously LOL It’s the first time I’ve watched a movie and read the book at the same time. If you recall, I sometimes don’t watch a movie all a once. I watch a little each night until I’m ready to fall asleep. Anyhow, there was something said in the movie repeated a couple times that I love. I’ll share it:

    “Two little mice fell into a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse, he struggled so hard that he eventually churned that cream into butter, and he walked out.” Which mouse are you?

  • Karima

    June 21, 2016

    assalamu aleykum

    Dear Ana,

    thank you for your reply!  I am trying to change myself I am trying to accept polygyny if that’s what he wants and I told him the last half year he can do as he wishes . Well actually my biggest problem Is the woman . She knew he was married with a kid and she went after him. Since I told him last September do whatever you want just don’t let her contact me and hurt me why she kept doing that?  He said she wanted to show herself that she exists. She is what to you I asked? Your wife?  He s not answering… Last years when we were having big fights and I was asking what’s happening n all he was saying she is a poor soul coming from a dis fuctional family  she needs someone to help and protect her. She is in similar situation like me, meaning she’s alone not having self worth self estime. Etc.  he was saying I was giving u hints about her, he said there’s sympathy for her, that she’s important for him .   When we met I only had one guy I dated for 3 months before him he broke my heart I wish my husband. Would be the first n only guy. Mom tried to give me religious upbringing. I was 22 when I met him now I’m 41. If I hadn’t met him I would not become Muslim. When I became Muslim it has been a personal choice. Cause I believed in one God and his Last prophet but I admit. I had problem with polygyny.  I loved him too much. Now I could try n accept it cause he hurt me so many times with lies n deceit that I love him very little. I look at him n feel strange we sleep separately for one month now and I feel better. I don’t have to see him play with his phone non stop n stress over is he chatting with her. Anyway I told him he can marry whoever he wants but not her- she hurt me on purpose too many times.  Don’t I deserve honesty? I s topped threatening him with a divorce since January. I just want the truth I told him to say what’s happening and go to her too. Why should I do all the work? She is his oasis when he feels like to ? but I am the foundation!!! Without me he would not have succeeded that well during his studies and at the early years of his practice I helped n supported him but then she came along and she did too many things ft him. Why he wouldn’t keep it professional? Why he had to make a fool out of me? I would have prefer the truth from the very beginning but as u said obviously he was afraid he would lose us. He always says family , is the most important thing for him. Not just the kids but me too, without me there’s no family. I have lost family n friends and career opportunities because of him. Family doesn’t know I’m Muslim. Our life had been a Romeo and Juliet story and I feel after the marriage instead of saying Alhamdulellah we made it he started an affair cause he felt I didn’t give him attention and she was always available . I admit after i lost the baby I was depressed so she came into his life when he needed to feel special as always. So the Minuit I have a problem that easily was for him to look somewhere else?  I thought marriage was for good n bad for both. Obviously I was wrong. During pregnancies and after delivery I realized I was changing as a person i couldn’t keep doing my work for many reasons- and all these problems made me turn to Allah. For help n guidance. Ur blog helped me and is helping me a lot. I realised I’m suffering like this cause I’m attached to my husband and he occupies all my heart and not God. I realized  I put all my hopes n expectations on him wrongly. He is but human and a man and muslim. If I knew this could have happened I wouldn’t have started anything with him. But then I wouldn’t have become Muslim so maybe that’s the decree of God to give me a chance and save myself from Hell fire… I am trying to know Islam better and I m starting to accept polygyny I wish he would do it correctly. With no lies . Why he can’t just come and tell me he married her or he wants to etc. even today I told him do as u please im not filing for a divorce I don’t know how I feel I will try n see how i can live with it try n do it for the sake of Allah.  He is not saying anything… I don’t want to play God. I’m just a jealous hurt depressed devastated woman that this is written for me..  I’m trying to accept it for the sake of Allah.  I am…  I’m going to the masjid and attend classes I give salah asking for forgiveness and strength to a accept what’s written for me.  It hurts not knowing what’s happening . I know they were together but as cheaters? Or husband and wife?  That much he is afraid from me that still he s not admitting the truth? Wow I must be a horrible person that wants him just for me… May God forgive me for doing haram with him at the beginning. But at least I didn’t go after a married man. She knew it and went after him acting all bitchy. And Wants to give hér the státus of a wife? 🙁 thank You for Your time And Effort to help me may God reward You

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    baseema,

    You said a mouth full. I agree with you that any woman can get help here if they open their minds. There is a wealth of knowledge and information on this blog that should help a person who really want help.

    So many people here have shared their stories and have given enough feedback for us to take heed. We need to listen and learn. You said progress is not quick and it isn’t easy. You’re absolutely correct! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  It’s doable…

    Not everyone wants to accept polygamy and if they don’t want to then they won’t. Allah says He will not change the condition of a person until the person first change what is in her or his heart.

     

  • baseema

    June 21, 2016

    Ana, I totally agree with everything you said to Karima. Hopefully she will get to the same place you are, but I’m sure it won’t be quick, https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gifnor easy. What you say makes so much sense. Any woman here can get so much help from you if they will just open their mind.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    @Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Welcome to our blog family. I’m happy to hear that you’ve been with us and following along by reading for many years. Thank you much for sharing your story with us.

    You have been through an awful lot based on what I’ve read here of your story. I will tell you straight how I see your life based on what you have shared. You said that you became Muslim on the day that you married. I see it as part of the problem. It appears you became Muslim because you love a man who is Muslim. I didn’t hear your say that you had a sincere interest in getting to know Allah and all about Islam so that you can learn it and live it to worship and serve Allah. The reason to become Muslim is to serve and worship Allah. One will have serious problems if she or he became Muslim for any other reason. Thus, you are having problems. We all have problems. It help to self-analyze so we can know where were going wrong, so that we can try to go right.

    You haven’t accepted that Allah has allowed polygamy for men. I say it because you are putting so many obstacles in the way of your husband being with the other woman whom he wants to be with. Who are you to stand in the way of him being with her?

    You are conducting your life the way non-Muslims do. You see your husband as “cheating” and you want him to stop. Are you Muslim or are you not? Is he “cheating” as perceived by non-Muslims or is he exercising his privilege to have more than one wife?

    He’s lying, cheating and hiding trying to please you and not hurt you. You don’t like that he’s with her and he apparently desn’t want to lose her, so he’s doing what he thinks he must to keep you and his other in his life.

    You are not his lord. Why do you think you could dictate to him how to live his life?

    You go to his family and yours about it and it only upsets them and cause them problems with him. If his family were Muslim/believers, they would set you straight and let you know that your husband isn’t wrong, you are. They (his family) as Muslims apparently reject what Allah has allowed for men (polygamy)the same as you have. So, they’ve got a problem as well. Of course, your non-Muslim family will see your husband as wrong. If they didn’t, they’d be Muslim/believers.

    You said that you and your husband have started offering the salat (5 daily prayers) regularly since January. Alhumdulliah! It’s a good start. I hope your intention is to offer the prayers so that you could grow nearer to Allah and NOT to offer the prayers so that you and your husband will grown closer and he will stop seeing the other woman. Remember the purpose of prayer and being Muslim.

    Karima, I don’t see anything getting better for you while you are still married to your husband and with him, unless you really become Muslim for the right reason and try to sincerely accept polygamy as a part of our religion – Islam.

    Are you Muslim or non-Muslim, as it will dictate how you live and what position you take? Those are my thoughts about your situation.

  • farah

    June 21, 2016

    Assalamualaikum

    Feeling sad today…saw my husband and Co pic for the first time.

    I’m totally finished

    I’m comparing myself

    Please guide me 

     

  • MOIPONE ISLAM

    June 21, 2016

    Hi Ana 

    I just finished reading your book wow I actually did not work today as I was reading all day. Girl those thoughts of saying things to my husbands 2nd have crossed my mind but then she does not know english and I dont bengali. 

    It was like reading about my emotions I am going through day and night. I have been excising since he left and I fell really good and look good too. 

    Your book will help women like me both Muslim and Non Muslim about this lifestyle. It will keep us sane from all this insanity 

    looking forward to another book down the linehttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Karima

    June 21, 2016

    Assalamu aleykum

    Dear Ana, I have been a reader of your page years now, as I am in a terrible marital situation . I have been reading your page constantly for hours every day since January as things got worse. I don’t know from where to begin… I met my husband in New Year’s Eve at a bar in 1997.  We are together ever since.  I come from an orthodox Christian family from a Mediterranean island. He is palestinian. We  came to Europe to study, met at a party,  got married years after and settled down here. We have two kids.  Our relationship was a secret from both our families me I was afraid to tell them I love a muslim guy and he wasn’t ready I think for anything serious.  Though I was crazy in love with him from the very beginning now I came to realize I was obsessed-possessed by him , I was so desperately needed love and a man in my life. After 5 years of being together we told our families both sides were against. I was afraid from islam so I left him two times. He was coming after me and couldn’t end it. In between I started reading about Islam it wasn’t easy but at the end the families said ok, with a heavy heart my family, and we got married in kuweit. I became muslim the day of our marriage.  That was in New Year’s Eve 2008.  I had a miscarriage after some months but for pregnant again n gave birth in January 2011  to a boy .  My pregnancy was difficult till the end and had little emotional support from him. It was during the time of my miscarriage n while getting again pregnant that he got a new assistant at the hospital. Immediately I felt there’s sthng , chatting on fb, messaging on the mobile etc. it’s nothing he said.  I became sick with my bladder and had to remove it when my baby was 3 month old. Had frequent pain seizure s lost 25 kilos in 4 months. First time I took our son to kuweit in Ramadan 2011 I was 49 kilos. He joined as for eid. Before he arrived though I discovered by accident emails by his assistant on the phone he lent me so we can what’s up.  From all the difficulties pain and torture I went through till we got married that was the worse. I feel sick remembering how it felt.  Photos of them at her sisters wedding, a kiss that only happened as a prank on her behalf, that’s her excuse, her breast photo was she wanted him to find her a plastic surgeon, and the far worse was zoomed sex positions who doesn’t show any face but she sent them to him.  The Minuit I saw all that I called him n  was screaming at him on the phone I was threatening with divorce. I confided to one of his bothers he called him and screamed at him too. He promised he would send her away.  When we returned to Europe the girl around19/ 20 years old back then,  wanted to meet with me. With tears in her eyes and red from embarassement she apologised and Asked for time to find another job then she would leave. It took her two and a half years to leave. In between we had fights with husband cause he said shes great with the patients and so far had bad luck with his previous assistants. He said he needed her in his work but he would eventually send her away!!!!  I was so stupid and naive and much in love cause was feeling sorry for him and giving time to become secure in his field. In between was all alone breastfeeding for 15 months with problems no sleep bladder pain and feeling confused. But when he finally opened his own clinic I gave an ultimatum if he will let her work with him I’m leaving him. He didn’t take her there since February 2014 is working alone had two assistants but both left in between. He is unlucky with them or difficult boss or I don’t know what’s happening…. But in March 2014 I found them together in his car under his clinic… He said she had problems and needed someone to talk to.   So they don’t work together any more but are in contact. She has contacted me 3 times the last 1 year telling me he’s cheating on me.  She sent me a photo of them together last December and this time husband had to admit yes they are in contact from time to time. But it’s Not what I’m thinking of….. I called his family in kuweit and told his other brother too and his wife and since then his brothers are not talking with him and don’t want to see him, us.  He has been refusing from the very beginning that he is cheating on me… Even now he is refusing it.  In December when she sent me the photo my mom was here for a visit so I had to tell her. She was crying for days at night but kept treating him well. He promised in January he will try and stop all contact but wants my help. He promised he would come counseling.  Since then nothing changed he didn’t come for counseling he is chatting with her I know as I checked his phone after two years of not doing that.  I feel betrayed and trapped cause now I have a second baby she is 19 month old.  Ok so he loves her ? And is married to her secretly? I don’t get any straight answers from him. One good thing is we started making salah constantly since January before we were only doing it in Ramadan astagfirullah. There is so much more but I wrote such a long message I hope u can read it and give me ur input isnhallah. Jazak Allah kheir karima

     

  • Umm of2

    June 20, 2016

    Kadija, you sound angelic in your writings. You seem to be a really good pure hearted person. Anyone would be lucky to be your co wife. 

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2016

    Kadija,

    Thank you again for sharing with us some of your life on this journey https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifIt’s a matter of feeling ones way around in it. As someone says, (I can’t remember who said it), there is no manual for it – how to live polygamy. We have Quran though and it will help us in all matters and aspects of our lives.  The stories of the Prophets are in the Quran. Allah loved his prophets. We should believe as they believe and do what they did. Then we will be okay. They are our examples. It’s all good. Life is beautiful https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • Kadija

    June 20, 2016

    It’s been my husbands and I experience that when people put Allah first they have no worries or worldly dramas cos it all pales and simplifies next too Allah might and mercy and plan. 

  • Kadija

    June 20, 2016

    Jazaakallah kheir sister. 

     

    Sorry,  I wasn’t very clear. My husband does wish to take a third wife inshaallah. I am supportive of this and think it might be good for our family. I also pray that well be close but only Allah can determine such things. My cowife is very against the idea. She used to be close with me but has become distant saying that our husband shames her in front of me (I’ve No idea why, he and I are very hands off and to ease her he’s been ‘telling me off’ in front of her but she still insists to him that I’m the perfect wife – which I’m so not but I try – and then when he’s not around tells me that if I was a better wife or Muslim or mother or person,  that he wouldn’t havelooked for another wife). He never looks for wives out of lust but rather he gets feelings or ideas that it might be good for the family. We talked about kit a few months ago and my cowife got very upset but she accepts that she has no control over the choice. It’s our husband’s burden not ours. I’ve always told him he’ll have my duas and support no matter what. Then a few days ago the subject came up against,  just tween him and me, and he asked me to pray and then to maybe help him find a third wife. I prayed and prayed and then today I had a kind of dream but not quite a dream saying that of I help I must make sure to put my personal feelings of what I think is best for him aside and focus purely on serving Allah inshaallah. Finding a wife of Deen regardless of age or fertility  (children are the main reason my oh wants a new wife but he’s not going to say no to a barren sister if it’s Allah will, Allah is the best of planners). 

    I do pray that she and I can be friends and be close inshaallah. But I know iit’s not in my power. And the burden on me of always having to try and ease their concerns and show a good example is exhausting. I did live with a cowife before,  the ex one I mentioned in another post, she insisted on us living together which I thought would be great but then everything turned into a competition. Showing off her bed sheets after their night’s together, trying to beat me to the door each evening, insisting her food was better then mine,  etc. Then when our hubby told us to do Qur’an reading together she’d vanish to her room. Also I never went in her room but our house was small and my room was used as the living room during the day and I had to make sure all sheets and such were cleanr d away else she’d be checking them. She isn’t a bad person and I still love and miss her as she was m ore good then bad, but I don’t miss the stresses if living together. That said I still think that living close and maybe together can still work and I think it’s good f r all the kids to have access to their dad whenever he is needed no matter which wife’s night it is. 

    My current cowife started off great,  we read together,  worked together and such then her sisterinlaw started tellong her i hated her and things just went down hill from there. I’ve been told by said sister also that my cowife thinks xyz but I’m not gonna beleive gossip it’s had an and untrustworthy. I don’t understnc d why people can’t just put their worldly worries aside as we all have the same goal- jannat 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Please Note: I received the following notice from Kindle:

    “Some email providers and software may incorrectly identify Kindle book gift email as spam or junk. Please make sure that your recipient modifies their security settings to allow email from Amazon.com.

    Thanks for using Kindle.”

    Please check you spam box if you think you should have received an ebook as a gift, but didn’t.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    If anyone thinks they received notice of a gift (ebook) but have been using a fake email address, please use the contact form to let me know an accurate email address to send the book too. Thank you!

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    kadija, I welcome you, too, Sis. Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Ramadan Mubarak to you, too

    I wouldn’t say you are “weird.” There have been other wives here who said they’d like to have a co-wife to be friends with. I think most wives who come to terms with polygamy want a co-wife whom they can be amicable with. I think the best is to have a husband and all the wives loving one another with a common goal and singleness of purpose, which is to serve and to worship Allah.

    Some want the friendship so that a husband could be happy or the wives could be happy or the husband and the wives could be happy – they want people who could all get along. One can be happy when the person serves and worship Allah with it being their main objective and goal. Don’t make it about the husbands and the wives.

    About wanting more wives in the family, it is up to the husband and doesn’t really matter what the wife wants. He’s the one who going to have to have sex with her, spend his money on her, spend his time with her and deal with her personality and disposition. He was the one who was given the privilege of having more than one wife. Save yourself the aggravation and stress and forget about that aspect. I’m sure you’ve got enough to concern yourself about.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I’m glad many of you have acknowledge receipt of your gift by claiming it. I know many of you are very busy and will need to find time to read the book. It’s all good whether now, later or never LOL

    Nonetheless, I kindly ask that you all claim the gift immediately whether you’re going to read it now or later, so I could deal with the accounting. It’s sort of like when you receive a check and the company gives you a certain amount of time to cash it.

    Thank you very much for your anticipated cooperation. I appreciate it much! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Dear Alison,

    I pray all of the same to you, too, my dear Sister. Lotz of love to you!

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • ummof4

    June 18, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Kadija, yes, you are a bit different, but not weird.  In answer to your question, it doesn’t how many co-wives a woman wants to have, the decision to marry  another wife is solely up to the husband.  It’s not up to the wives to decide how many wives a man may have.  My advice to you is to make du’ah that Allah brings about the best for all concerned.  You may get what you want, and you may not.  It’s in the hands of Allah.

  • Alison

    June 18, 2016

    Dear anna

    May Allah bless you and open many doors for you. May He grant you paradise through his mercy for all the good things you have done for most of us. Ramadanmubarak

    Love you lots

  • Kadija

    June 18, 2016

    Assalam alaikum and Ramadan Mubarak

    II’m a happy cowife. I love my sister wife and miss her dearly,  she’s been distant of late but inshaallah she’ll come around. my kids ask after her often but we don’t see each other as much as we’d like. 

     

    I’ll be honest and say I’ve always liked the idea of cohabiting or semicohabiting. Where children can play together and the wives can see more of the husband and shared tasks and have someone there to help when they’re I’ll or pregnant or otherwise in need of help. I used to be a nanny and I home educate my kids,  I’d be happy to lead childcare while my cowife worked or such. I’m not an amazing cook but no one has died so far (and kids love my meals it’s only adults who don’t lol alhamdullilah) and I enjoy housework and messy play and alsorts. I’m a nikabi who is just as happy at the pot as playing a game of footie lol. I just want a sister wife I can be friends with and be useful too 🙂 anyone else feel like this or am I as freaky weird as most say I am? 

     

    Can anyone advice- what to do when 1 wife wants m ore wives in the family but the other wife doesn’t? 

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Moipone,   Hi there https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    You’re more than welcome. I think about you often and hope you’re okay 🙂  I’m hopeful the book will be helpful in some way to all who reads it.

  • Moipone

    June 18, 2016

    Hi Ana 

    Thank you I received the book I look forward to a quiet afternoon so that I can read. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All 🙂

    Good news. The ebook is live now on Amazon. I’ve sent the book as a gift to a number of you, as I had said I would. Please check your email. I would love to have sent it to everyone who commented here. Please know that I do appreciate everyone.

    There is no need for anyone to say thank you. Please know that you all are very welcome. I thank you all again for your continued support. I love you all. You are the best! {{{hugs}}}

    I’ll copy this post to a couple of the other themes to make sure the commentators know to check their email. I don’t have a Kindle, so don’t ask me how it works to get it from the email to the device LOL I know you don’t need a Kindle. You can download a Kindle app.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Marah S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for your input. I see those as ideals that would be nice if everyone was able to live them. We’d be in a utopia. It would make a nice manual to use as a guide. We do however live in the real world and in the real world it just ain’t happening. Everything doesn’t fit in a nice little compartment. I don’t think it’s meant to happen, which is why it ain’t happening. Allah says He created everything in perfect proportion. Everything is going according to His will and plan. We can say we think things should be this way or that way all we want and talk about it to the birds stop flying, it won’t make it happen. Allah tells us to be kind and just to all of mankind and that goes for all humans. The Quran is for all mankind. I wouldn’t hold my breath on waiting for every human on the planet to start being king and just to one another. The Quran is a mercy, a guide and a warning. Not all will follow it.

    Happy Ramadan to you. Thanks for the congrats on the book. I was working on it with a couple of techs all day today. I’m pretty much at the finishing line. I just have to read the entire book from cover to cover ONE LAST TIME. sigh. I’m so tired of reading it; I don’t know what to do. LOL I’m pretty pleased with it Alhumdulliah. 🙂

    Long time no hear from you. I had been thinking of you 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Number 4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Nice post! You’re correct. From what I’ve heard there are a lot of men who engage in polygamy as though they are dating. The only difference is they call their dating/living together arrangement “marriage”. They don’t seem to make an effort at making the marriage work. They just move on to the next best thing for a while and keep it moving…

    We just need to stay mindful that Allah Knows, See, and Hears all things. Those men aren’t getting away with anything. Allah lets us know that we aren’t supposed to marry for lust. He knows who is serious about marriage and who is just going through women like as you said, “trade women out like baseball cards.” It may seem okay to the men to do it, but we know it’s not something that Allah condones. The men are only fooling themselves. Allah says Satan makes certain people evil deeds seem fair seeming. There are many people, including Muslims, who think they are doing good, but to the contrary they aren’t. Allah says the Hell Fire waits for them in ambush.

    The key for women is being the woman that they can respect. The type of woman who gets the respect is the one who is most righteous because she is the most honorable in the sight of Allah. So we must strive to be that woman.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Carolina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you have found the blog helpful to you. It’s what we’re here for – to help one another.

    I think men say they engage in polygamy because it’s allowed and it prevents fornication/adultery because it is the truth. Allah allows it for them and to have a wife is better than the act of adultery. Allah knew what he was doing when he allowed polygamy. The Quran is for all and for all times. Polygamy is a part of Islam. Why women go through what they do with regard to it has a lot to do with them and the condition of their soul. People dislike when I say it, but it’s the truth. There are happy women living in a polygamous marriage. It could be you one day, as well. You have to want it and need to have a positive attitude going forward with regard to it or you’re doomed in it.

    Maybe others who have children will speak up about how they handle the husband taking the children around the other wife. I would say there is nothing wrong with it. It’s not like he’s taking them to a crack house or a bar. Unless she is a really raunchy, nasty, skank of a woman, he should be allow to take his child where ever he wants, which includes around her. The child is his as well. I could totally get how you don’t quite take a liking to the idea initially.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s the happiest I’ve ever known you to be. You sound like an entirely different person. You’re keeping so busy too. It’s wonderful news that you are doing so good. Keep up the good work. Don’t let your co get to you. I know how aggravating it could be to be trying to get yourself right and you have a co who just doesn’t get it, however, is a thorn in your side.

    I read an ayah (verse) from Quran this morning that you should remember. I’m trying to remember it because there is always someone out there trying to cause one harm. You could apply it to your situation with your co who is always trying to cause problems for you. It’s:

    “And do thou be patient, for thy patience is but from Allah; nor grieve over them: and distress not thyself because of their plots.” Surah 16, Ayah 127

    Let her plot on. Allah sees and knows all things. He’ll deal with her on her issues as he will for all of us.

  • Carolina

    June 11, 2016

    Sallam Alaikum 

    I want to say thank you to each one of you for your advise and thought on my situation. I thank you Ana so much for this beautiful site where we women can open up with no fear.

    I have no one to talk to about my hurt and my situation, I am a convert my family is mostly Catholic and Cristian. My mother can’t stand my husband for the pain he has put me through she thinks I have ended my relationship with him. I have a 24yr old daughter whom I had was 18 from someone else, she too thinks I’m no longer with my husband she tells me he uses this religion to have multiple women and get away with it.

    I totally agree that men need to educated on how to take on multiple wives. I asked my husband what his reason for a 2nd wife was he just responded with because I’m allowed and it’s better than fornication. I said to him what about our kids he just says I’m still here with them I said yes but part time they are use to seeing their daddy everyday! He is just insensitive about the whole change of routine we all have to go through now with him studying with us every other day. My 4 yr old son asked me everyday is daddy coming today and when I say no my poor baby boy just says oh ok with a sad face. I have over heard both of my kids while playing say things like.

    “”I’m  only going to have one babe when I grow up because I don’t want to make my babies cry”

    my daugter always tells me that”I picked a bad husband because he broke our hearts”

    tell me how does a relationship like this really affect children?  If I continue and stay with him how will all of this affect my children as they grow up especially as teenagers?

    My husband begs me all the time to please please not leave him that he truly loves me. I rarely tell him I love him back I just feel if he really loved me I would have been enough for him. I wish men would really think about our feelings and emotions before doing what they feel is their right. 

    One more question like I said I have two small children with my husband. If I do divorce him I know that he would eventually take my two babies around that woman and that would really upset me so much.

    how do I deal with this if it occurs..

    thank you again.

     

     

  • Jasmina

    June 11, 2016

    Sallam Alaikum all miss the discussions. I’ve been very busy and surprisingly happy. First Ramadan in 6 years I have not been depressed. I’m very much getting a lot of benefit Alhamdulillah and Ramadan Mubarak to all my lovely friends on here.

    lots going on I will try join in asap. So sad hearing stories of the early stages, it’s so hard at first but it certainly is great when your heart becomes for Allah and not a man. I enjoy polygamy because I get some time off where I can be a hermit crab and focus fully in my side projects… It just gets messed up when the other co intervenes with her drama or my husband starts to sway towards favouring the other because he gets scared of her or whatever it is. Though ATM its going well and if it’s not I haven’t taken any notice so Alhamdulillah, I just feel full and happy that it feels so weird lol.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all 🙂

    The dialogue that we were having inspired me to write a new post which is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-right-way/

    Now, it’s time for me to retire to the boudoir for some shuteye.

  • Tasliyman

    June 11, 2016

    Aslm

    MeUmmof2 I agree with you 100% on men needing to be educated on how to go about marrying again. Some men get so caught up in their “right” to marry another that they completely forget about the duty have to love, protect and care about the wife they already have. 

    A few classes on how to be a bit more sensitive and considerate once married would also go along way. 

    I must admit though that if there was a blog like this one for men I would probably stalk it everyday to try and figure out how their minds work https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Thank you, sis umm of2. I love you, my dear sister-in-faith 🙂

    Thanks for the “food for thought.” I love it!

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Is there a correlation to the saying that dogs are men’s best friends? I wonder…

  • Umm of2

    June 11, 2016

    Sis Caroline welcome. I want to puuuuuuuuuuuunch your husband, sorry not sorry. Why don’t these men learn. 

    The only thing you can do at this point is let your husband go a little bit, redirect all your attention to the one and only creator, the reason for you being created and placed on this earth in the first place. Have patience it takes time to come to terms in these situations. Make dua Allah hears our cries. Stay in remembrance of Allah. Put your husband on the back burner and figure out what you want. Do you want to stay with him, I think you do. It seems like you love your husband I think you should stay, heal and work it out. 

    The men I think are not educated on how to go about marrying again. I hear so many life experiences stories similar to Caroline’s. They just don’t know what to do and how to do it so instead they sneak, hide, scheme and lie their ways through until Allah reveals their dealings. What’s done in the dark always comes to the light. They desperately need a platform like this one. Ladies we are so blessed to have this blog, thank you sister ana. 

    What if we woke up today with only the things we thanked Allah for yesterday:) *food for thought 

  • Laylah

    June 11, 2016

    Salaam x

    Men can be such dogs!https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif . Do things right!!! 

    What is SMH?

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Don’t worry and don’t concern yourself about their wrong doing. It keeps you from focusing on what is most important with regard to yourself (your soul).

    I like writing this because I’m talking to myself too. I need to here this and remember all of this just as much as you and anyone else.  It’s a reminder to me.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your husband, his other or anyone on this planet who does wrong won’t pay for it. Although, the script was written, we still do pay for the wrong we do. We get rewarded for the good that we do and we get punished for the evil and wrong that we do. We mustn’t forget that Allah is an Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful God.

    Furthermore, Allah determines who is Muslim and who is not. We didn’t decide it.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Carolina, Ramadan Mubarak to you too 🙂

    I could imagine how betrayed you feel in that you befriended a person who ended up marrying your husband and having a child with him. It’s has to be an ultimate betrayal. Unfortunately many men are known to lie. It’s very sad. Here you thought your husband had stopped seeing her and he was still married to her all along. SMH

    It’s very difficult to share a husband, as you know. There is no easy answer as to how to learn to accept living in a polygamous marriage without feeling the hurt and pain and being upset and sad. Let me restate that – the answer is easy, but what you have to do is hard. It’s tough. It’s a battle with self. You really have to be at war with yourself.

    You have to learn how to worship and serve Allah. You have to go back to learning Islam all over again. I don’t mean just learning and doing the 5 daily salat prayers, fasting, reading the Quran, which are all EXTREMELY important. Additionally, you have to have the correct belief about Allah. It’s what makes a believer – belief. You have to come to believe and I mean have it in your heart that Allah is the Doer of ALL things. He alone causes everything to happen. He wrote the script for each and everyone of us before each and everyone of us was born. This is his Dominion. He rules the Heavens and the earth. Only He has Power. You have no power; your husband has no power; his other wife has no power; I have no power; and no one else does. We have to believe that everything we have is from Allah, which means a spouse, too. Allah provides. No one else does. No one pulled themselves up by the bootstrap. No one did this and that and the other to get what they’ve got unlike what all non-Muslims and many Muslims believe. We have to think differently than them.

    You have to change your belief and believe me, it’s going to be a battle. You’re going to continue to want to blame your husband and his other wife for what you’re going through. You’re going to continue to think your life is jacked up because of the two of them. You’ve got to come to terms with the fact that they only carried out the script that was written for them. You’re in the marriage because Allah wrote it for you. It doesn’t mean you won’t leave the marriage. Allah may have written that for you as well. It’s a battle with yourself and it will be ongoing. It would be nice to get to a point where you don’t have to try and work at it – work at remembering Allah and how All Powerful and mighty He is. You have to learn to stop attributing things to your husband and his other wife because it amounts to ascribing partners with Allah, which is a serious sin. It’s very heavy.

    It’s not about how you could stop feeling hurt, pain, and sadness in your life that you think is the result of what your husband and his other did. You, me, and no one else should turn to Allah for a quick fix. It’s has to be ongoing for the rest of your life that you serve Allah properly and have the correct belief in him. Belief makes a believer…

    Insha Allah, there will come a time when your husband will become somewhat insignificant to you. Insha Allah, seeking to enter Paradise/Jannah will become most important to you. This life is short. Allah could seize our souls at any moment. The thought of spending a second in the Hell Fire that Allah describes in the Quran should be enough to make anyone straighten up and fly right.

  • Carolina

    June 10, 2016

    Ramadan Mubarak

    I’m sorry my mind has been so out of whack.

    Thank you for responding back to me. Well this whole story started about 3 1/2 yrs ago when I was pregnant with my last child. My husband had a female co-worker whom was asking questions in regards to Islam. I have been Muslim for about 8yrs now this coworker whom was a friend of mine as well. My husband asked me if it was ok to invite her to join us to the masjids it was during Ramadan of that year. I answered yes that’s fine no problem here this friend of ours wanted to learn about Islam. Everything was fine until she and my husband began doing things on there own without me. They worked together so they began hanging out during lunch and breaks. I asked my husband what his intentions were with her he said none we are just friends I also asked her the same question she said none we are just friends. Well come to find out they ended up getting married. 

    I had just given birth to my son who is now 4 yrs old. I gave my husband an ultimatum to either leave that woman or I would divorce him.

     He came back home to me and our two kids but come to find out again I have been living a lie for the last

    3 1/2 yrs I just found out he and her just had a baby girl 3 months ago.

    I am trying so hard not to divorce him, I love him and my children are so sad and hurt about this but they love their daddy. My 5 yr old daughter knows she has a new little sister and asked her daddy about her all the time. It hurts and breaks my heart every time but I know that baby is at no fault for anything. 

    I am having a hard time with the sharing of my husband with a person I feel betrayed me I thought she was a friend looking for information about Islam not my husband.

     Right now my husband spends about 4 days with my children and I and 3 days with her and their child.

    please tell me how do I learn to accept living like this without being hurt,sad, and upset.

    thank you again.

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2016

    Carolina, Hello and welcome,

    Three months is hardly enough time to feel good about being in a polygamous marriage that you never wanted to be in. It’s going to take a lot more time than three months to get to a good place.

    You’ll need to tell us what you need help with. What are you having problems with the most? I’m sure it’s everything that just about every woman who is in a polygamous marriage unwillingly is going through or has gone through. Maybe you could talk more about it so we can answer some of your questions. We need a direction for how we should proceed in trying to help you or maybe you just want to talk to vent. I’m not really sure. We are here to try to help you as best we can.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2016

    umm of 2,

    Jumma Mubarak to you too. You just reminded me that it’s Friday. It feels like a Saturday to me and I’ve been thinking it’s Saturday all day LOL.  I hope you’re having a wonderful Ramadan. Mine is coming along nicely Alhumduliah!

  • Umm of2

    June 10, 2016

    Ramadan Mubarak WA Jumma Mubarak to all of you lovely sisters. Shukran ummof4 🙂

  • Carolina

    June 10, 2016

    Hello my name is Carolina 

    I am going through some very difficult times right now.

    I am a first wife I have been with my husband for 8yrs now we have two children 4 and 5 yrs old. I recently found out my husband has a 2nd wife a 3 month old baby with her.

    I am so broken hearted I don’t know what to do. I have been trying so hard for the last 3 months to work it out but I am so unhappy with the whole situation. Please please help me I’m trying to be open minded and I do love this man so much.

    Thank you so much 

  • ummof4

    June 10, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Thanks, Ummof2, that’s exactly what I meant.

    Everyone Ramadan Mubarak and Jum’uah Mubarak!  What a wonderful combination, Jum’uah during Ramadan!

  • ummof4

    June 9, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, no offense taken.  When I said, the Allah will provide bandwagon, of course I did not mean that Allah does not provide for all of His creation.  I meant the Muslims who believe that they do not have to work for anything and can just sit back and do nothing to provide for their families as Muslim men whom Allah orders to take care of the women.  Thanks for clearing it up for those who may have misunderstood what I meant.

     

     

  • Umm of2

    June 9, 2016

    Assalaamualaikum 

    I believe wholeheartedly as well Allah provides for all of creation. It is mentioned in Holy Quran repeatedly but I think what ummof4 meant was more so “Trust Allah SWT but tie your camel”. (At least that’s what I understood from her writings) Allah also tells us men are to provide for their families, whether they do it or not, sustenance will come from Allah in one way or another as promised but man should at least make the gesture. Just my two cents 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    No offense, but I’m one of those people on “the bandwagon” who says that “Allah will provide.” I believe it whole heartedly. Through out the Quran Allah says He provides. He provides for everyone regardless of who they are. So anyone who says Allah will provide is correct regardless of their reason for saying it.

  • melz

    June 9, 2016

    I looked into calligraphy to be honest because its something that i would be interested in, but it looks so intense to learn lol i dont know where i can go to find an easy to learn arabic calligraphy book?

    i do go to the gym, signed up when this whole thing came into my life to help me tire out my brain to not overthink lol

    I don’t go out unless im with my husband so things that i can do myself indoors is best for me. 

    JazakAllahu kheir for your ideas xx

  • ummof4

    June 9, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Melz, there are many hobbies to choose:

    Reading (there are some good novels written by Muslims that are about Islam)

    Sewing:  you can teach yourself or get someone to teach you – you could sew for you and your child (children don’t mind if their clothes are a little unevenhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif)

    Calligraphy:  Islamic calligraphy is beautiful.  There are books that teach you step by step

    Exercise:  You can do it by yourself, invite a few friends over to join you, or do Mommy and Me exercises

    Walking:  Good for the whole body

    Cooking:  Many people who love to cook try out new recipes as a hobby and give the food/goodies to family and friends as gifts.

    There are many more, just think of what you like to do.  You mentioned that you wear niqab, but that doesn’t stop you from doing anything that is halaal.  Do you go out of the house much, or do you prefer to stay inside?  The hobbies I mentioned can all be done in the privacy of your home and can involve your child as well.

    Everyone enjoy Ramadan and rack up those good deeds!

     

  • baseema

    June 9, 2016

    Ana, you hit perfection to Kim B. with your first sentence! Talk about sincerity. LOL

    And someone else said she was trying to guilt trip us,-exactly.

    My opinion, no, my judgment, remains the same.  https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    And Melz, I agree with Ana, you should tell his parents. They need to know because you have a small child. You need protection. It’s not fair to live with them and not let them be aware of this. If the girl’s father should find out, where is the first place he will come to???

    Your husband has placed his whole family in danger. Please tell the parents. Secrets are really bad. Be safe.

  • melz

    June 9, 2016

    What are some things you ladies do to occupy yourselves and make use of your time that you have alone; ive looked into grabbing a hobby but as a niqabi muslimah there isnt much to do really lol

    Alhamdulillah i know we should focus on our deen, and i do study and read Quran but sometimes you need a break before you get over it by over doing it

    whatre the pros and cons of being partially apart from your husband? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    I agree with you 100%. There are so msny men who call themselves Muslim and the only part of Islam that they embrace is polygamy snd it’s for self gratification. I don’t focus on it much other than to know Allah will deal with them accordingly. It’s the saving grace 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    June 9, 2016

    LOL for something on the cap :-).

    To be honest I think that realising the reasons many men engage in polygamy and the way they go about it is upsetting me.

    It’s just so Un-Islamic but done under the guise of Islam.   The stories of so many wives here is heart-breaking.  I think I’m just having an emotional day today…..

    I think there should be a blog for men to get advice and guidance too.  They sure need it :-).

    Luckily this blog is here to help the many ladies in need of advice and support. 

     

     

     

     

    You’re right Ana, it obviously is an important aspect and something that should be considered.

    I think I just find it a bit irritating when people acts as if it is the ONLY thing to consider.   It’s an old habit of mine to allow people’s comments to get to me. 

    To be honest, I think it’s realising that the reason many men engage in polygamy is only about sex.  I actually find that a bit disturbing.

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    When I say a wife who has a brain, I mean a wife who value herself for more than just her sexuality. There are women Who believe their purpose is to give sex to men and it’s all they are worth.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    I think initially wives do feel compelled to compete for the husband by way of sex, but if they have something on the cap (a fuctioning brain) they eventually put sex in the proper perspective and focus on what is more important in life. Sex is important, but there are more important issues to deal with in life, especially if one has an eye on entering Paradise/Jannah

  • Tasliyman

    June 9, 2016

    I find it peculiar how people can always say “there’s more to marriage than just sex”.   But the moment you talk about a polygamous marriage all they think about is the sex…..

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    The only people who don’t judge are the mentally challenged or the brain dead.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2016

    Gail ,

    You caused me to laugh out loud when I read that you are all for Donald Trump. He is a nut job. lol. It would be the end of America, if he becomes President. It would be all over for us. Hillary has already won in my estimation. But I respect your selection 🙂 I know Jenny is going to vote for him. Although she and I’ve been through a thing, I miss her.

  • Gail

    June 9, 2016

    Ana,

    I hate when people say they don’t judge.I think that is the most insane thing a person can say.I also think that is why the world and esp America is so Stupid for a lack of a better word.I mean look we have darn Bruce Jenner now Caitlyn Jenner walking around as a transexual women and we are all suppose to just turn a blind eye while he goes to potty in the female bathroom.It’s craziness at the highest level.I think as Americans we tend to use this term not judge way to loosely.If a person is not judging then they might rethink why they  are not. I am seriously all for Trump in this election.I admit I was laughing at first about him running but I’m not laughing anymore.I am digging old Donald! lol

     

     

     

  • Gail

    June 9, 2016

    Kim B,

     I want to give my two cents in here as well.From what u posted u can’t handle polygamy and the reason is u would rather him have threesomes instead of marrying another women.Kim polygamy is about a family unit and trust and dignity and kindness and respect sex is a very tiny part of polygamy as compared to what I already mentioned.So many women go into Polygamy concentrating on the sexual part of polygamy to only figure out down the road it’s not as big a deal as the made it out to be in the first place.I would say the number one hardest thing about a Polygamous marriage is keeping peace between u and your cowife. Now mind u I am not Muslim and I might very well be the only one on the blog that would say what Polygamous marriage people do behind closed doors is their own business and I personally have a really hard time understanding why it would be a sin if both wives have sex with their husband at the same time but according to the Quran the ladies here say it has something to do with modesty but thats neither hear nor there.I will say this though Threesome’s without marriage 100% is not acceptable! So my advice to u is if u r that much jealous that u can’t share your husband then u have no business contemplating Polygamy at all.

     

     

  • Laylah

    June 9, 2016

    Salaam x

    I agree with Ana, well said, acceptance of Islam is a very personal thing. Between you and your creator. It does seem Kim B like you are guilt tripping them . You can not place threesomes and polygyny in the same space. One is sanctioned by Allah one isn’t. I feel that the Ladies are just alerting You too that very Salient fact. 

    Melz was in a very similar situation. There are good days and bad days Alhamdulillah. Try not to focus on your husband and the girl. Focus on the positives in your life. The blessing of your child, getting along with your in laws and stay out of the way of his drama. It is HIS drama. He brought it about. Try your best to detach your self from it. It’s about survival. Do what is best for you and baby Insha Allah x

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    melz,

    Just focus on you and what you’re going through. We’ll just deal with that. Whatever you want to discuss about it, we’re here for you to vent and get it off your chest. It’s okay…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    Kim B,

    How serious could you have been about converting if all it takes is for someone to question you in a way that you dislike and you then toss conversion out the window? Islam is about accepting Allah who is God. It’s not about being accepted by people. When people are serious in their quest for knowledge of Allah, nothing can interfere with it. It sounds you want to put baseema and me on some type of guilt trip by threatening not to accept Islam. It would be your loss.

    If you want to discuss it further, you’re welcome. We’re not just going to tell you what you want to hear. I don’t think we were attacking you because you are non-Muslim. If you re-read my post, I talked about Muslims too when I spoke of you and your situation. What was so wrong in baseema questioning whether you were a legitimate commentator or not. There are trolls out there just going to sites and jerking people around with comments. Is it such an awful thing that she and I suspected that you may be one? There aren’t many people who come here and openly express to Muslims that they are interested in a threesome. Islam is about virtue, chastity and purity. Excuse us if we were a bit taken back by your bold comment.

    If you do become Muslim, for your sake, I hope you do it to serve and worship God and not to make your husband happy or do so because he is a Muslim. If you do become Muslim and read the Quran, you will learn that it’s okay to judge. Every single person on the face of the earth judges. It’s just vogue to say, “Oh, I don’t judge.” The saying is an untruth.

  • Kim B.

    June 8, 2016

    Baseema,

    I’m not sure why your being negative towards me but there is nothing fake about me and attention is the last thing that I’m lacking. It was a sincere question. It seems like you and Ana bellah are attacking me because I’m not Muslim which is so not fair, I have thought about converting but now I really don’t know…I don’t think it’s right to judge people because they don’t believe the same thing as you I’m an open minded person but clearly I’m the only one here who is….

  • melz

    June 8, 2016

    I agree, he could have controlled himself if he kept fastinf and etc but with men if its allowed they dont wanna miss out on it unfortunately. He does not take money from his parents, we all receive gov allowances, we jst live with his parents, so theres no rent or bills on our head. 

    The sheikh that did the contract is a reliable sheikh on the haq, he did not take money or do it without the explanation of my husband. He told him the whole situation and the sheikh allowed her to choose her wali under her situation. 

    Me telling the parents isnt going to solve anything, he is going to tell them very soon himself anyway; me telling them first isnt going to make them want her bcos they want nothing to do with his choice and are staying out of it. 

    I agree the situation with her family may get chaotic, no doubt about that, and thats something shes going to deal with as well as he for their decision to hasten to do nikah without their knowledge. 

    I honestly dont know what to think anymore, my stomach turns and aches with new pain every single day, fearing i wont cope much longer so i dont even want to deal with their side of problems when i have a bag of it of my own to worry about

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    Is the son lying to his parents to get money or is he stealing it or what?  The 17 year old apparently is lying and sneaking off to be with the husband. It’s two marriage built on lies and deceit.

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    I think the entire situation is a mess. At what point do people in marriages turn to family members for mediation and help? Where is the son going to tell his parents that he is when he moves out to be with the 17 year old? Where is she going to tell her parents that she is? It makes no sense to me. melz is sitting on a ticking time bomb and she says and does NOTHING? At least if she speaks with his parents with whom she lives about it, His parents could help their son try to figure out the mess that he is in before the 17 year old’s parents take some action against the husband that could be lethal. Allah knows best. Sometimes it’s not best to keep ones mouth shut when action need to be taken. It’ metz life that is involved as well. She is a part of this whole situation. It’s just my thoughts on the matter. If the son has no job then where is he getting the money from? His parents is giving him enough money to go off and set up house with another woman? The parents should be the mediators, but they can’t mediate what they don’t know about.

  • ummof4

    June 8, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Melz, it’s just a big mess that your husband has gotten himself into.  I agree that you should not discuss it with his parents.  Also that you should stay out of the situation with him and his new wife.  I don’t know what kind of Imam they went to, but most that I know would not just appoint themselves a wali when the father objected for sound reasons.  He says that he was rejected for no good Islamic reason – well there was a perfectly good Islamic reason – he has no income and cannot support a wife.  I have two daughters who are both on their second marriage.  Each time when they were married, my husband made sure that their prospective husband could afford to give our daughters food, clothing and shelter.  It sounds as if your husband and his Imam are on the “Allah will provide” bandwagon.  It’s one thing to have to assist your husband if he is hard-working and doesn’t make a lot of money, it’s another thing to marry a man who is living off his parents.

    Your sex life is your sex life, but I believe that fasting does reduce sexual desires if it is done with sincerity.  If a couple is having a healthy sex life, a husband does not “NEED” to marry another wife.  However, many men like variety and should be honest about it. Also I believe that marrying without a source of income is foolish, marrying a second wife without a source of income is insanity.  Oh that’s right, your husband’s parents are his source of income!

    Melz, again, keep yourself as far away from the situation as possible.  Violence may occur when the truth is brought to light, and you don’t want you and your child to be in the middle of it.

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    or is the saying, “spot on.” LOL I get things twisted sometimes https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    Tell us what you really think, baseem. Your post to melz gave me chills. You are right on spot though. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    If Kim B isn’t a sincere writer and was only here to engage us in useless discourse about Muslims, threesomes and Islam, she’ll soon find she’s at the wrong place. If she wants to live that way, it’s her problem. We’re not here to try to dissuade or persuade her about it https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    baseema,

    I initially thought the same thing. The problem is there are people who are into threesomes and perverted sexual act, including Muslims. It’s why some Muslim opt to live together in a polygamous marriage.

    We have to remember there is a difference between a person who calls himself or herself a Muslim and that of a Believer. Those who say they are Muslim simply swear an oath that they believe that Allah is God and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is Allah’s messenger. I think one must acknowledge that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is Allah’s messenger because many people believe Allah is God and the only God, but reject the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a messenger of God. The Jews rejects him; the Christians rejects him; and just about everyone else who isn’t Muslim reject him.

    So besides taking the oath to be a Muslim many live the same as many non-Muslims live. There is no real difference other than they say they are Muslim. It’s why many Muslims think there is nothing wrong with marrying non-Muslims. They only need to read the Quran to realize there is something majorly wrong with it. Gail and others have mentioned that even the Bible says one should stick with their own faith. I don’t know what the Books of today – the Bible and the Torah says. They aren’t the original books anyhow.

    I say all that to say that “Kim B” may very well be authentic. We know for a fact that there are many non-Muslim women who are being courted and married by Muslim men.

  • baseema

    June 8, 2016

    melz, let’s hope the girl’s father doesn’t come after your husband and hurt him or the girl! your husband did very wrong in my opinion! sounds like the girl’s father had VERY good reasons to reject him-he doesn’t even have a job, nor does he study! now a 17 year old girl is stuck between him and her family. she will lose her family most likely, and what’s going to happen to her when his family finds out? they’re going to support his harem??

    not to mention all the secret keeping going on, this is really awful. i don’t know what country you live in, but i hope it’s not one where the father will kill the girl or the husband for this! and the Imam, how shameful that he did this. i wonder how much money exchanged hands.

    what a way to start a marriage. you’ll be lucky not to end up a widow! this is really dirty. i feel sorry for the 17 year old girl. really sorry for her. she is too young to fully understand the consequences of her actions, and by the time she realizes it, it will be too late.

    your husband already has his parents supporting you and him, now he marries another?? This really makes me disgusted. i’m sorry for the harsh words, but your “husband” sickens me. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • baseema

    June 8, 2016

    Kim B., I’m thinking you’re a fake blogger looking for attention. lol sorry if I am wrong! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    Kim B. Hello, Welcome to the 411

    What you’ve shared with us leads me to believe that the person whom you have been involved with for almost a year only says that he is Muslim, but he doesn’t live Islam. He hid from you for a good long while that he is Muslim. Winning you over was more important to him than to claim his religion.

    I think if you were to marry him he would follow your way, whatever it is and a little bit of his way, which may amount to his culture. Polygamy is a small part of Islam.

    The fact that he is willing to marry you who is not Muslim speaks volume about his lack of faith. It tells me that living Islam isn’t a priority or else he’d marry a Muslim who wants to serve and worship Allah who is God. It’s not the case. He wants someone who is like himself.

    He’s willing to have you and his future other wife live under the same roof with him and he’s willing to consider threesomes. I always thought there was an underlying motive for some Muslim men to have their wives all live under the same roof and it has something to do with perversion. Not all Muslim men who live communally with all their wives, of course, but some.

    Should you marry him and do threesomes and whatever else https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    There is no compulsion for anyone to live as a Muslim or anything else. To you your way and to me mine is the saying in the Holy Quran.

  • Kim B.

    June 8, 2016

    Hello All!

    I am new to the blog and I am here for some advice on my situation cause I definitely can’t talk to anyone else about it. So I have been involved with this guy for almost a year now and he recently revealed that he is a Muslim and he’s dad was a polygamist and he has the desire to be one as well. He says that he wants 2 wives and wants me to be one of them and then we will pick the second one. He’s ideal situation is that we all live in the same house and between the 2 of us give him three kids. All my life I have been a Christian so all this is foreign to me, but I really like this guy so part of me is considering this but the other part of me is saying RUN!!! The biggest part is that I already have a son he is almost 14 so he is old enough to understand and I am very protective of my son in 14 years I have never brought a man around him so I definitely know that the situation of us all living in the same house wouldn’t work. Plus I’m a territorial person so I wouldn’t want him to have kids with anyone but me. I asked him if  I can just be his only wife and I would be willing to give him threesomes with another woman (cause I’ve always been curious). He said he would consider it but I think he is set on the polygamy think. I don’t know what to do because I really care about him HELP!!! 

  • Umm of2

    June 8, 2016

    I applaud you sis melz as well. With what you have shared I think You are handling the situation with dignity and integrity. I think we can all take a page or two out of your book 🙂

  • Laylah

    June 8, 2016

    Salaam x

    You are awesome Melz . There is no resentment. You are trying to make it work. Masha Allah it’s wonderful. May Allah reward you x

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    metz is awesome 🙂

  • Tasliyman

    June 8, 2016

    Melz, I’m blown away by your level of maturity. I should learn from you.

    All the best to you my dear. You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2016

    melz,

    Sis, it seems problematic to me that an Imam would support a 17 year old girl in going behind her father’s back and defying him when that father is a Muslim whether practicing or not. She is a juvenile and the father is her guardian. I could see if the Imam went to the father to speak to him on her behalf, but to usurp the Father’s authority is a different story.

    I know that part is not your problem and I respect your position of not wanting to be a part of the confict.

    What has happened with the Imam goes to show that one can find an Imam easily who will support one in getting his or her desires fulfilled. We’ve spoken here on the blog about Imams who go along with what anyone wants.

  • melz

    June 8, 2016

    An

    Sis i dont want to get involved and start dramas with his family by going behind his back and telling them myself. His family are not much of a practicing muslim so this idea was a real shock and headache to them to accept when he first told them he found someone. Yesterday he told his father that it’s going to happen soon so his now expecting it. His mother doesnt know of it as of yet, and her psychology is part of the reason i dont show my real emotions around the family because the minute they see that im in heartache and not happy, they will demand him not to do it and cause a big fight which i dont want them to have so im trying to control the fitna. 

    Tasliyman

    Alhamdulillah sis from the day he wanted to get into polygamy which was nearly 2yrs ago, he spoke his feelings to me and we always discussed it and researched it until i came to a complete understanding of why he truely needs it. Its the trust i have for him that allowed me to believe his words and sacrifice for his akhira. 

    Ummof2

    Sis before I accepted i tried to advise him with everything like getting a full time job, fasting, staying busy with ibaadah to help him with the fitna around us. But the truth of the matter is Allah has made polygamy halal for a reason, and its the only way to keep him chaste and turn his eyes away from the fitna. It took me a while to understand that but ive come to terms with him simply needing more then one woman in order to not lose his deen. 

    I dont know if she is ashamed of polygamy, thatl show once they move out. I think right now shes just trying to hide that a man is even in her life as shes a schoolgirl with a strict father who wudnt even allow her to have a phone. Its really sad that it had to be behind her familys back, and i hope for everyones sake that what theyre doing is halal. 

  • Umm of2

    June 8, 2016

    Salaam sisters. I hope you all are enjoying Ramadan so far and taking full advantage. We do not know if this Ramadan will be our last. 

    Sis melz, that’s really troubling to hear that your husband is going about polygamy the way he is and you two women for going along with it. Polygamy is not a shameful act. You’re not supposed to be a hidden secret sneaking around especially  around your own family. I got to say y’all are pretty young. Your husband seems to be diving in the deep end with no life jacket not having a job nor high education to support himself and two wives and a child and probably more to follow. Have you tried subtlety advising your husband to live an honest life? I pray you all come to your senses soon, for the good of your own souls. 

    Ya Allah, please shower countless blessings and mercy upon my sisters here on this blog and upon their loved ones and make this Ramadan better than last Ramadan. AMEEN 

  • Tasliyman

    June 8, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    @Melz, you sound awefully calm for someone in such a tubulent situation. Keep on doing what you’re doing Alhamdulillah.  I suspect things are going to get a lot worse before they get any better once the truth comes out and your husband has to deal with everything coming his way. 

    Marrying someone secretly who is so young was his decision and something he will have to deal with. I would also suggest that you keep yourself out of the drama especially when everyone finds out. 

    At least he didnt keep it a secret from you. I suppose that should count for something. 

    I dont think the other wife has any idea of what she’s letting herself in for.  The reality will probably only strike her when she’s left alone in her new place and he has to leave to be with his other family.  It’s a hard reality to face under any circumstances. Let alone being so young and hiding the truth from your family. 

    May Allah protect all of you through this difficult time In-sha Allah. Ameen. 

     

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    Sorry for the typos. I’m on my phone

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz,

    It’s very sad that people live polygamy that way, lying, sneaking and hiding. It’s sad because she eill pretend to be sn only wife. She’s too ashamed to be a wife who married second, yet she’s in a polygamous marriage. And the Imam is going along with this? what’s your reason for not telling his parents with ehom you live besides your husbsnd telling you not to?

  • melz

    June 7, 2016

    Ummof4

    I know sounds ridicilous. Basically her dad rejected my husband on no basis in islam so according to what his following she doesnt need him to be her wali for rejecting a righteous muslim man. Allahu alam 

    The imam was her wali, and its pretty much secret until his found a place for her and he will go confront her family, go thru chaos and take her i suppose. I ment she isnt going to ever tell her family shes a second wife. 

  • ummof4

    June 7, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Melz, I’m confused.  You said that your husband was already married to a second wife.  Then you wrote that she wasn’t  even going to tell her family that she was going to become a second wife.  You said that her father would never approve of her marrying your husband.  Are they married or not?  Are they just thinking of getting married?  If they are married, how did she get married without her family knowing if she is just 17 and in high school? 

    Everyone remember if your goals that you set for Ramadan are realistic, you have a good chance of achieving them.

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    I was very sadden by the death of Muhammad Ali (the boxer) https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

    Coincidentally, I had just watched the DVD of him playing himself in the movie “The Greatest” last week.

    He was poetry in motion. Insha Allah, he’ll be in Jannah/Paradise. His death touched my heart https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Mari2

    June 7, 2016

    Melz,

    You could ask him not to text or talk with her while he is with you.  It is a reasonable request.   I too had to request that of my husband when number 2 kept calling during my time with him.  In fact, couples should turn off both their cell phones while spending quality time together.   Simple politeness.  Now my husband and I both have gotten into the habit of not looking at our phones at all during our time together. 

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz,

    You’re right; what a test it is 🙂 Allah asks,do we think that we will enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us?

    When you get older, Insha Allah you should be extremely awesome, having gone through such a test at such a young age.

    I think you may have a point there that it may be easier for you once he’s gone some of the time. That way you won’t have to see him text messaging her and expressing joy all the time. When he comes home to you, maybe it’ll just be you two and he’ll leave her there (out of his mind to a degree) until the next day.

    Have you sat down and talked with him about how you’re feeling and that you need him to be present in the marriage with you when he is with you. We can’t just assume that husbands know things. They can actually be quite ignorant to a lot of things. You can’t expect him to read your mind. You have to talk with him. Don’t be accusatory, but let him know how you feel and what you expect of him that is reasonable. It’s not to say you’re going to get what you’re asking for, but at least you’ve put it out there.

    Try not to get too involved with his drama with the other and her family finding out. You have enough on your plate with just dealing with him and his family whom you live with. Once his family knows what’s going on, I expect that they will try to intervene and it may help you out.

    Keep doing what you’re doing with reference to Allah and asking Him to give you sabr and to allow you to accept what He has decreed for you. Everything will be okay 🙂

  • melz

    June 7, 2016

    Ummof4

    We’ve been married for 5yrs, and were living on our own last yr but due to financial issues we couldnt afford rent so i accepted to move in with his family for the time being. He doesnt work or study, just a lucky guy that has parents who are willing to still care for his needs. His looking for a full time job now for the first time so he can look after her needs. 

    Her family do not know that she is even married; she sees him on her free periods during school hours (yes she still goes school) and has made it clear her dad will never accept my husband as he wanted her married to someone else. She isnt even thinking of ever telling her family that shes going to become a second wife, so we’re pretty much left in the dark of their marriage when they move out. 

    Ana

    Wallahi i try my best to be normal with him showing the usual affection and love and care for his needs as per usual, but i cannot help but look somewhat upset/depressed during the day when i dont see any connection with him as his always sitting away while his msging her and then im busy taking care of the needs of our child and dinner etc

    i pretty much feel like strangers during the day as i cant force myself to go sit with him knowing what his doing, and then ishaa comes and taraweeh puttinf my daughter to sleep etc and im left with max 1-2hrs of sitting with him properly if not in bed. This is why its hard to cope and this is why i feel like itl become easier on me once they move out bcos when his with me hel actually BE with me, not body here soul with her. 

    I ask Allah to give me sabr to see the khayr in what He has decreed for me, i know that He has chosen me knowing i can bare this test, but what a test it is. 

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz,

    Count yourself blessed that you live with his parents right now and they love you. They aren’t going to want to see you. hurt. You’ve got people in your corner with you who will try to help you, Insha Allah.

    Try not to be the type of person who your husband will dread coming home to. Try not to nag him. Keep yourself looking pretty and let him see you smile, if you could muster one up. The last thing you want to do is push him away to her completely.

    I suggest, you try to spend more time together going out to the movies; getting something to eat outside the home; go to the park;  do something different that the two of you like, but haven’t got around to doing much. Do things together to bring you closer together.

    The number one thing is to grow nearer to Allah. I was told something once by a very wise person that I find to be true. The person said, When a person turns towards Allah’s creation, Allah turns His creation away from the person. When a person turns away from Allah’s Creation and towards Allah, Allah turns His creation to the person. It’s beautiful! Everything works in the opposite. Turn to Allah and you may find your husband turning more to you. Turn towards your husband (as in worship him now because of all that is happening) you may find your husband turning away from you. Allah knows best.

    I second what you said. You said, “may Allah swt make it easy for us all to live with what He has decreed for us.” It’s beautiful! 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz,

    You all sound so cute. It sounds you have a very nice husband. Don’t for a minute think he doesn’t love you. He could have easily divorced you and just be with her. Men could love more than one woman at the same time easily.

    He cares much about you cuz he’s willing to move you out once he gets her situated. He’s appears to be trying to do the right thing by you and by her. He really has an obligation now to proceed with the plans with her. All is good, because he’s  not telling you to go fly a kite either with regard to your request. He is considering it. He’s showing you he loves and cares for you. He’s listening to you and wants you to be happy.

    About him seeming eager to be with his other wife, I know you could understand it, and I know all that is happening hurts you. The pain does go away eventually, for most, and your life can become normal again. It’ll be your new normal. But you’ve got to work at it and the work begins with drawing nearer to Allah.

    You may find that your husband will begin to love you more, because you’ve placed your selfishness aside, and you haven’t tried to interfere in Allah’s decree. You are so much further along than a lot of people. You seem to understand that Allah controls all things.

    Just make sure that you don’t make your husband more important to you than Allah, now that you’re focusing on your husband and his other wife. It’s not easy. You’ll find yourself thinking of your husband and his other A LOT, as in almost all the time. You’ve got to fight those thoughts. You’ve got to ask Allah to let you rise about that. You’re going to battling almost 24/7.  Seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed.

  • ummof4

    June 7, 2016

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,  Ramadan Mubarak!

    This month I will probably be doing more reading than writing.

    Melz, I too thought that you husband’s new wife was a lot younger than you; thanks for telling us your age.  You and your guardian (I’m assuming you had one) agreed that you live with your husband’s parents and they would take care of the household bills.  His new wife and her guardian(I’m assuming she had one) agreed that she marry him, but I guess they are waiting for her to have her own house before she leaves to live with the husband.  It sounds as if everyone knew that your husband did not have a job and could not support a wife and family, but you were married anyway.

    You say he does not work, then what does he do?  Is he a full-time student and everyone is just waiting for him to graduate and make a lot of money?  Is he just a young man whose parents agree to take care of him and his family (families) for as long as he needs them to?  This is the missing part of your story.

    I agree that you should ask him to limit the time that he talks to his new wife while he is with you.  I suggest from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM (or 20:00 hours to 8:00 hours).  This way he still has 12 hours a day to communicate with her.  As far as you getting all the nights, if he is texting and talking with her, you really aren’t “getting the nights”, you are sharing them with her.

    So if you care to answer the question about your husband’s time/occupation/school, then do so; if not, we understand.

    Please take time to get the maximum blessing of Ramadan and teach your young child the blessings of this month as well.

     

  • melz

    June 7, 2016

    Ana

    Lol no we’re both 24 yrs of age. He has spoken to his parents about the idea and getting them used to it but hasn’t actually told them he did. His gnna have to tell them because he’s going to move out very soon with her, i feel like i got adopted by his family lol. 

    I spoke to him about moving out snd he said its my right that he cant deny but first hes going to move her out and then when his back on his feet hel move us out. Does that sound okay? Im trying to stay patient hamdulillah i just have my moments where the whispers really affect me. 

    How did other first wives cope with polygamy in its early stages? Does it get easier knowing theyl eventually get over their honeymoon phase. I just cant help but see his eagerness and excitement for her and it burns my soul lol 

    may Allah swt make it easy for us all to live with what He has decreed for us. 

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    Ruqayyah,

    I realize that a new lifestyle such as polygamy is a huge adjustment and it entails a growth period for everyone. Transitioning from monogamy to polygamy is no easy task. A wife who married first isn’t going to want to relinquish the control that she once thought she had, nor turn over her husband to another woman without a fight. In time, she eventually realizes there was no need for a battle after all. Then marriage/the lifestyle becomes fairly easy 🙂

    I haven’t heard of or known of any man who hasn’t seen the crazy come out of a woman LOL.

    Yes, I wrote a book. It’s completed. I’m just putting it together to publish now, which mainly entails waiting for the formatting to be done so I can upload and push the publish button.

    I’m not owning or claiming it as my story. I’ve written it as a fiction (not for real) novel. So, for the world, they should see it as make believe https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    You’re on the list to receive a gifted book. You were with us for years. I’m so happy you’re content. I hear it in your writing. I’m sure your little one is adorable. Alhumdulliah.

  • Ruqayyah

    June 7, 2016

    @Ana, yeah we had a  baby in the time I’ve disappeared. I completely blame hormones for my craziness, I do apologise for the way I behaved. My husband has received some of my craziness too but things are finally settling down I think. I think he gets it now I’ve always stressed it to him but I think he had to learn for himself that I’m actually on his side and not against him.. and I think I had to grow up a lot and realise just because I’m his 1st wife doesn’t mean I should have more say or control or really any opinion in his other marriage. 

    Sooooooooo life is good, life is fine, it’s busy but great allahu akbar 🙂 

    I see you are writing a book? Congratulations, must feel nice to get your story out there and own it 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz,

    There isn’t much of a difference in you and her ages. I thought he and you were probably like 40 years old LOL

    I don’t understand why you and he are hiding it from his family. If you’re living with his family, they need to know what you’re going through so you don’t have to go through it all alone. Allah allows polygamy, so there is no reason to hide it from your or his families. If he needs to hide it, he shouldn’t have intended to be in it and did it (although it was meant to be, he still will account for it). If he is so ashamed or fearful of what others will say or do, he shouldn’t have made his intend to get in it. He’s treating it like an illicit affair. Polygamy is should prevent that. It’s a shame that people have made something good into something very ugly.

    Are you okay with the schedule being alternating nights? I always thought it would be a bit much. You don’t get time to just sit and relax with your husband for a few days or so. It would be too much back and forth for me. And you know for a fact there will be days that he did it with her and then came there to do it with you the next day or hours later. At least the first day he gets back you could take a break from him and start fresh the 2nd day. It’s just my thoughts about it. I’m not at all saying I’m right. To each his and her own. I’m simply voicing my personal view. There are people who have a schedule in which they alternate days and it seems to work just fine for them.

    I know you probably think that if your husband was paying to take care of you, and you were being cared for by him then he wouldn’t have enough to take care of another wife. Don’t look at it that way. What is done is done and was meant to be. You wouldn’t be wrong to ask him for what you need, though. You are his wife and he should be supporting you.

    I can’t say whether you’ll go through less anxiety once you get on a schedule. You’ll have to deal with him not being there with you every night. It’s an adjustment that you’ll have to make. I would not suggest you lie to his parents about what’s going on. Be truthful with them. I’m sure they are bound to suspect something is up. I’m surprised they don’t see that you are going through a thing.

    You have more strength than you think you do. You will be okay. Others here have gone through it. It’s not easy for probably 99% of the people who are going through it or have gone through it. You’ve got to pull yourself together for your 2 year old. At least if his family knows what is going on, they’d be able to support you with help for your daughter too.

  • melz

    June 7, 2016

    JazakAllah kheir for your beautiful words, i will try my best to take it all in. Msging her frm mrning until ishaa is his ‘just’ plan as i have all the nights with him right now until they move out so he thinks that it is fair. Its so hard to be around him knowing his constantly messaging with her and im trying sooo hard to stay patient and treat him well, i dont show my emotions or anger to him but i cannot even stomach food anymore, i cant enjoy the things i used to, i dont feel normal anymore. Every day is a new struggle im trying to overpass wallah i dont know how i can live like this for years. I use my gov pay for us, he also gets a payment but i never take money from him because i dont need to, and his parents pay for everything in the house so there isnt anything for him to really spend on. Which makes it easier for him to move out a second wife as hel only be providing for her rent and bills not ours except our shopping if i even want him to. 

    There is so much inside of me i dont even know what to say anymore. Im literally seeking refuge from the shaytan every minute because my mind is full of thoughts, and it doesnt make it easier seing him get ready and leave see her 4 days in a row only bcos she can only see him 2-3hrs. Will doing this properly help me or make it worse? I mean them moving out and us having the proper 1 night each, will i go through less of this anxiety? 

    My dear sisters i need all the advice i can get, for this heart is so shattered, and so much emotions built up from hiding it from his whole family as theyre also unaware for now that i feel like im not going to last much longer. 

    Im 24yrs of age, with a 2yr old daughter alhamdulillah, i want to be a normal functioning mother for her, and a not so zombie life from eveeything in my brain. 

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    melz, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Welcome to our blog family, dear sister. I’m so glad Allah directed you here.  I just say you met our lovely Laylah. You’ll find wonderful people here who know exactly what you’re going through and will try to help.

    I know it has to be so hard for you that your husband married again, especially being that he married someone so young. I think it probably makes it harder when the husband marries a very young woman. It’s harder probably because of the emphasis that society places on youth.

    I don’t know if you’ve done it already or not, but if not, have a sit down with your husband and explain to him that you are having a very difficult time in coping right now with his new marriage. Let him know that it would probably be helpful if he doesn’t text her and talk to her in your presence. I’m sure he leaves the house at times. He could talk with her then. He should be mindful that you are still his wife and you have feelings too. He should be considerate enough to help you during this transitional period.

    I pray Allah is well pleased with you for trying to accept His decree that your husband remarried. If your husband has done anything wrong with regard to the new marriage, he will account to Allah for it. Don’t worry.

    How does he support you and his additional wife when he doesn’t work? I suppose his family is helping to take care of you and him or you work and contribute. If you’re saying he doesn’t work and can’t afford two households, I think you answered your question about whether or not you should move from his family’s home. Move, if it pleases Allah, with the understanding that you’ll probably be fending for yourself more than not.

    Of course, you could let your husband know that you want your own home and don’t want to live with his parents any longer. If you could afford it, then go for it. If you expect him to help, knowing that he’s making arrangements for his other wife to have a home, then I foresee it being a problem.

    I know what you are going through. Ramadan is a blessed month and I suggest you try to focus on your fast, on serving Allah and ask Him to help you through this difficult time. He’s the only One who could really help you.

    We’ll try to be here for you as best we can. If you feel like talking more, we’re here to chat with you.

    Know that Satan is the one who is whispering the terrible things to you for you to imagine your husband with his other and things like it. Some say Satan is tied up during Ramadan. Allah, in the Quran, speaks about Ramadan. He doesn’t say anything in the Quran about Satan being tied up,  so I’m not going with it. I’m going to proceed as though he’s still active and seek Allah’s protection as I always do.

    Try to remember Allah as best that you can. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Laylah

    June 7, 2016

    Salaam x

    Melz I went through something very similar. You know it isn’t wrong to ask your husband to be a little considerate of how you are feeling. He can try not to message her in front of you and that might help a little. And he could temper his exuberance around you as a form of adaab. Other than that, have Sabr Insha Allah, this face will pass and a semblance of normality will come about to stabilize you. Sending love x

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2016

    Ruqayyah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Ramadan Mubarak to you too!

    It’s so good to hear from you. I’ve thought about you from time to time. Ramadan is an excellent time for everyone to put differences behind them. I think when we butted heads the last time we both went a bit crazy at the same time https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif LOL  I’ve laughed whenever I thought back to it. It’s funny now, but we were off our rockers back then.

    So, did you have a baby? If my mind serves me correctly, you and your husband didn’t have any children – or did you? I think not. Congratulations on being a mommy!!! Alhumdulliah. Ruqayyah as a mommy – WOW. I didn’t see that one coming. That’s awesome.

    You sound to be well and happy. It’s so good you’re enjoying life and not focusing all your attention on your hubz. Having a child would help keep you and your mind busy, especially if you intend to return to work.

    Insha Allah, you will gain a sister when and if your husband marries again. Emphasize to him the importance of marrying someone who is conscious of Allah and isn’t just out for personal gain. Insha Allah, all will be good for you and your family. Keep the faith. I’m glad you’re back and I apologize to you for any hurt I caused you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Ruqayyah

    June 7, 2016

    As salamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu all! Ramadan mubarak. I thought I’d pop in again although I butted heads with Ana last time ? was a teensy bit crazy back then. Anyways I’m in a slightly better headspace about polygyny again. My husband is still “on the prowl” but taking some time off until he can get financially stable again, as he wants to do things properly this time. I’m enjoying being a mum and looking forward to returning to work at some point. 

    We have discussed to no end the way we’d like things to be, so for now I’m leaving it in the hands of Allah and just doing my own thing focusing on my own life, enjoying my husband when he is there any living life to the fullest when he is not. I hope to gain a sister in whoever he marries if he does marry again, and I know I’ll miss him but life goes on. ☺☺

  • melz

    June 7, 2016

    Salamu alaykum ladies,

    My husband of 5yrs has married a second last week, she is 17yrs old. Im having a hard time getting over my anxiety and stress every time i think of them or see him msging her near me as she cannot move out or see him at nights yet so they pretty much see eachother during the days for few hours and then msg until his in bed with me. I went into this accepting as i cannot come against what Allah has made lawful but its so hard to cope while im living with his parents. Their plan is to move out by eid so his looking for places for her while il be living with his family. I need advise on how to cope, if i should also ask to move out (he doesnt even work yet to afford two households) and words of advise to cool my heart as i see the love of my life being excited over his new wife.

  • Laylah

    June 6, 2016

    Salaam x Ramadan Mubarak to all. And thank-you for all the support I have received here.

  • Scorpio83

    June 5, 2016

    Ramadhan Mubarak to u all..هُ”O Allah, let this moon (month) pass over us with blessings, Iman, safety, and in the belief of Islam. Grant us the ability to act on the actions that You love and Pleases You. (O moon) My Lord and Your Lord is Allah”.

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2016

    Happy blessed Ramadan to you all!

    The new moon was cited and we’ll be fasting tomorrow, Insha Allah…

    polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    June 3, 2016

    Gina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    First, I must say that all the emotions that you said you have are par for the course. Those are all the norm. So, if it helps you feel any better, please know that you are quite normal 🙂

    It has to be really tough being married and having to be a secret. It is totally uncalled for. It’s a terrible thing that some men do. They won’t get away with it though. Allah sees and knows all things. We all will account for whatever deeds we do whether good or bad. There isn’t much you could do about your situation with regard to being a secret. You can’t make him acknowledge you to his family and have them accept you. You can do what you’re doing, which is try to get stronger so that you may leave the marriage one day or accept it and find contentment in it without making him a priority. I could certainly see how the situation would get you down at times, but you’ve got to fight those feelings.

    Allah has you in the situation for His reasons. He knows what is best for us. It could be a means for Him to bring you closer to Him because He wants good for you. You just don’t know.

    One day, Insha Allah, you will realize that your husband didn’t cause your pain. It goes way deeper than that. You have to get to the point where you won’t focus so much on your husband and the situation. It’s a personal battle you’ll have with yourself. Try to make your prayers to Allah more about asking Him to help you to accept all of His decisions whether you think they are in your favor or not. Ask Him to purify your heart and have you stop making your husband more important to you than Him. Make your prayers about Allah and changing your life with reference to HIM and less about your husband. It’s the only way you will find peace and contentment in your life. Life is not about you or your husband or anyone else. Life is about Allah. Until a person learns that and believe it, life will be difficult for the person.

    It’s going to be okay. Today was just one of your not so good days. Insha Allah, tomorrow will be better for you.

  • Mari2

    June 3, 2016

    Moipone,

    I wouldn’t go either.  M likes to promise me a rose garden in Pakistan if I up and go there with him.  But I know better.  While M and I might do well here, to move to Pakistan would be a death knoll for me, spiritually,  intellectually,  and very well physically.  Allah reveals.   I traveled to Pakistan briefly 2 years ago.  While the people,  food, shopping may have been to my liking on the brief sojourn,  the actual reality there for women educated or not, is stark.  Terrible place to be a woman at any age.  I have no need to submit myself to that life style willingly,  with eyes open.  There is no notion of romance or love in M’s desire for me to move to his country “and work as a teacher”.  It’s a calculated move to gain control.   Sure he can promise me servants, a nice house,  etc.  But the fact is that I would become the servant who works and hands my money to his family there.  So I respectfully decline his invitation.

    In the meantime M decided that I should be able to talk to 2.  So I tried.  Encouraged her to be as educated there as she could.  Shared with her the high cost of living here, importance of spoken English etc.  ALL the same things M told her as well.  Her response was to accuse me of being discouraging.  She actually told me that my job was to “encourage” her.  And I made her “sad”.  I was like…wth?  I told you exactly what your husband told you and I made you “sad”. I didn’t marry her under false pretense,  he did.  So I told M that he’s on his own with that one.  Nope.  Not me.  I cut off talking to her soon after.  So no.  Pakistan has no place for the likes of me.  I am good here. 

  • Gina

    June 3, 2016

    Salaam ladies

    Thanks for all the advice.

    Having a rough time dealing with this whole situation. Im am so hateful towards him at the moment. 

    Logically speaking I understood right from wrong.Trying to keep my mind on track.i know it impossible just wish he could know the pain he caused me.

    Spending most of prayer time asking God to forgive my anger and hate towards him.i find myself cursing him when ever I know he is trying to cover his lies with more lies.

    I know we can walk n be better women but the emotional side know they won and that gets to me .They get away with so much.

    Having a bit of an emotional episode. Regret, anger, frustration, hurt, anger, revengefulhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2016

    It’s so weird. Just the other day I mentioned to Gail how I think having a personal server for the blog (not a free one) helped me to learn a lot about technology, which helped me to write the book. Well, today the hosting company worked on the server, updating it the entire day, so the blog was down. It’s the reason why you couldn’t log in, if you tried. Just in case you were wondering what happened. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  Nonetheless, the hosting company compensated me with a month free of hosting, which I greatly appreciate.

    I appreciate your patience and apologize for the inconvenience. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Laylah

    June 2, 2016

    Salaam all x

    Moipone it really seems like your husband is afraid of losing you and that doesn’t seem based on papers. So at least whatever you decide that is cleared up. 🙂

    @ Miranda reading your story made me mindful of my own in the way you have responded to polygamy. Everyone is right that is initial response, but because your beginning was so well based, I feel you have a good chance of stabilising Insha Allah. 

    @Gina I was also embarrassed to let anyone know, but have you guys noticed keeping it secret is so strenuous. When I finally told my family, I at first felt embarrassed, but felt more, a weight being lifted. And suddenly I had support. People who loved me gathering around me. They said why didn’t you tell us sooner so we could be there for you sooner. So if you have people who care about you very deeply like in my case a mum and sister. Then telling them might help x

    Thank you for my advice in the previous blog.Im not really too regular but I do come to catch up Alhamdulillah x 

    The issue I had raised about the other wife if I should protest on her behalf? He always sends me to a good hospital when I give birth. Ensures my and babies safety. He had her with him for six months in Saudi and she is home. But when he comes home he is taking our kids and I on holiday so he can get to know the kids and being extremely generous which is unusual for him, but probably because I really struggled with her going and my staying for the entire six months. On the other hand, he is booking her in a really crappy hospital to give birth. Like…. really… I did say is she going to be ok there? And he was like yeah fine and besides I can’t afford to send her anywhere else. But I can see that if he wanted to he could have based on the money he is laying out. So y’all said leave it be. So I have. I don’t know can someone explain please? 

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Gina,

    You asked a very good question about how to deal with people in this society who ask questions about our lifestyle.

    The best way to answer it to yourself is to refer to an ayah (verse) in the Quran in which Allah says – don’t concern yourself with the reproaches of other. We aren’t suppose to pay heed to them. We aren’t supposed to listen to them. He says to shun those who don’t except our way. We don’t have to explain anything to them. If they don’t follow our way of life, they won’t accept it. In a sense those people are just being nosy busy bodies.

    I know it’s hard to do sometimes – for instance, not to pay attention to what they say. It’s real hard. I find myself getting upset or angry about what someone is saying or has said. I lose focus at times just like everyone. It’s a personal struggle to do what we’re supposed to do all the time.

    The reason many have a problem with people and their questions and perception of us is because they seek to please people. We aren’t suppose to try to please people. We should try to please Allah. When we try to please people we have major problems. People won’t be pleased with us unless we live life the way that they do. Unless we follow their way – religion – which is a way of life they will be displeased with us. We don’t need their acceptance of us and we won’t get it other than superficially.

    I understand the embarrassment and humiliation that you speak of. I think it’s to be expected when one lives a lifestyle of polygamy that is contrary to how the masses live. In time, with the right belief, it won’t matter to you about what they think.

    Many of the questions that you said is asked of you is none of those people’s business. You don’t owe them any explanation. You don’t owe them any answers.If someone comes to you and seem to be sincerely interested in Islam and asks you questions, then by all means answer and help as best you can. But, for those who want to know about your way of life just because they want to know for GP (General Purposes) they can bug off. They will only talk badly about you and your lifestyle behind your back all the while they had grinned and given you the impression of acceptance.

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Gina,

    I don’t think there are many ayat (verses) in the Quran about marriage whether it’s a monogamous or a polygamous marriage. We know the limit is 4 wives at a time for men and we’re all supposed to be fair and just in all our dealing with mankind, meaning spousal relationships as well. Off the top of my head, there’s ayat instructing men to be kind and just to their wives and feed, cloth and house them in the manner that they live. Again, it’s nothing verbatim and I pray Allah forgive me if I’ve said anything wrong. There isn’t much instruction, which I think is good because marriage is private between the parties and it can’t be structured.

  • Moipone

    June 1, 2016

    You are welcome Miranda, oh thank you Gail for such kind words.

    Oh goodness Gina I am struggling to answer those too I tell my coworkers he is in export import busness and except for my mother,aunt and sister no one knows what I found out oh well and you ladies.  

    I don’t think I can stand the humiliation and the I told you so from my father. 

  • Miranda

    June 1, 2016

    Asa. Thanks ladies for all your advice. Gail, to answer your question we do get along. We live separately with the hopes (really big hopes of our husband) to live in same house one day, although after 6 months , I have come to appreciate my nights and time to myself and living together I feel would be really hard. Based on my reading from many places Co living usually does not work . I am a revert from u.s. met my husband traveling in india. He came here 2 years later and we have one son. We always talked about 2nd wife but never seriously until last year.  My husband is very loving and fair and takes really good care of us. That is not the problem.  The problem is me adapting to this new life and how it changes how I thought my future would be. We both knew this second marraige was a high risk high reward type of chance. Being that if I can’t do it. I would step away. He says if I leave it will break him. Just trying to have faith in Allah’s plan. Thanks for listening. 

  • GINA

    June 1, 2016

    salaam

    MOIPONE

    Consider yourself lucky in the aspect your husband wants to take u to his home country and built home with u and your daughter. Many of us being the secret wife will never have that as in my case 95% I was used for papers and to set up businesses. You a woman of great value on this earth and you going to grow your daughter up to be a upstanding citizen of which ever country u in.Hugs and kisses to u my dear. Keep strong.

     Can anyone tell me what is the law according to the QURAN when u have two wives if the there versus which refers to this?

    The hard part explaining to ppl in society that yes my husband has kids and a wife in Pakistan. Most ppl say how could u marry a man that’s married. How do I face my family. My friends. Business associates.my family already ask why does he go for 2 to 3 months. Why when u lost the baby he didn’t come home. Why cant u phone your husband at any time. Why don’t u have his family contact numbers or where he stays. Tired of covering up and the lies.

    I will not be defeated and I will not give up on my situation. I will survive. Women are built to survive.

    lots of love to all u bloggers from all the way here in SOUTH AFRICAhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Gail

    June 1, 2016

    Ana,

    I agree with u Ana that Allah has his own timing and plans and u better get ready for this book to take off because I have a feeling it is going to exceed your expectations.I can totally see your book being made into a movie.Women in Polygamy hunger for knowledge about Polygamy and will stop at nothing to find out as much as they can about it.

    Miranda,

      Polygamy is so hard for women but u should be comforted in the fact that u are not alone.U will have to learn how not to get sucked into the drama and not to let your emotions get the best of you.Don’t become bitter just learn to work through the problems and communication is the key.

    I am curious do u get along with your cowife or is there this underline current of tension and Jealousy between u ladies?

  • Moipone

    June 1, 2016

    @Anabellah 

    I am guilty of trying to figure everything out at one time, I will think about visiting Bangladesh for a vacation (hahahahah) in the near future. 

    I will work on forgiving him no matter what the outcome is with us and you are so right life is too short to be terribly unhappy. 

    Thank you https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

    PS: Love the cover of the book

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Miranda, Wa Alaikum As As Salaam,

    Welcome to the blog. It’s good to have you here. You’ve already met our dear Moipone. I second all that she said to you. Things can definitely get better.

    I think what happened to you is that you and your husbands were in your heads when you made your intention for him to marry again and it happened.  Polygamy isn’t that difficult in theory, but when one actually gets in it and begin living it, it’s a whole different ballgame. Emotions that you never felt so strongly kick in and it hurts.  It’s a difficult life. I say it’s a process.

    I think just about every wife thinks about throwing in the towel and wants to run up out of the marriage. It’s part of the process. The husbands probably hear it umpteen times from the wife that she’s out of there, but she usually goes no where. Some do, but many hang in there and deal it.

    We’re here to chat with you if you want to talk more. You’re going to be okay!

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Alison, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Hey you! I was waiting to hear from you. I had to move some comments over to the new thread.

    I’m glad you are good. I am too. Alhumdulliah. I’m sending you love too, my dear sis. Your post made me smile. 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Hello Moipone,

    Thanks for the congrats!

    Sis, I know how painful it is for you. I know how you are feeling. I think most of us here do. You aren’t alone at all. Things won’t always be this way for you.

    The good news is he must really be missing you to come home early. Maybe he didn’t marry you only for papers. If he’s asking you and your daughter to go to Bangladesh to be with him and he will buy you a house, it’s not the normal situation of those married for papers. I wouldn’t say pack your bags and go cuz I know nothing about Bangladesh. You did make me laugh when you said that you will never, ever move there. Take one day at a time. It may be a nice place for you and your daughter to visit. Make it a honeymoon/holiday type thing. Maybe the change of scenery and the travel will do you good. God knows best.

    Try to take one day at a time. Don’t try to figure everything out all at once.

    You may find that when he gets home you realize how much you missed him and love him.

    Even if he didn’t marry you for papers, it was wrong of him not to inform you of his culture and that he would marry again. If you stay with him, you will have to find a way to forgive him. Otherwise, it would never work.

    Again, take it a day at a time. Only God knows what He has in store for you tomorrow. Life is too short to be terribly unhappy. Maybe you and he could work it out. You don’t have to make your intent right now. {{{hugs}}}

  • Moipone

    June 1, 2016

    Hello ladies 

    Congrats Ana on the book I cannot wait to read it. 

    I am an emotional mess today, hubby his coming back earlier than expected he changed his ticket. He has been in touch daily like throughout, he not accepting that I want out of this whole situation and even said that If I think he married me for paper then my daughter and I must move to Bangladesh he will buy us a house there ( I will never move to Bangladesh like ever).

    Been up since 2 am and I could not sleep again its been like this from Monday, I am hard of myself with questions why didn’t I think this through before having a child with a man from another country when he dies he will be buried there and my daughter won’t be able to visit his grave and when he retires he will go home and leave me alone I don’t want to grow old alone.

    I wish moving was an easy process but there is no easy way out we have to feel every inch of pain and even hurt in places you never knew you had.

    I am still a working progress, I am at work and I feel like breaking down n cry and I cannot take leave right now.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Moipone

    June 1, 2016

    Hi Marinda 

    Welcome, there is no easy way because you feel like a failure and our husbands don’t understand that we are emotional beings. I always think that too that divorce would be better for me too. 

    I won’t say it will be easy with time because I only recently found out about the 2nd wife. But from what I have read here you will eventually be alright with it and be at peace. 

    I wish you all the best in this journey. 

  • Miranda

    June 1, 2016

    Salaams,

    I am new to this blog. Been married almost 14 years and in January of this year my husband took a second wife. We decided as a family and I was ok with it. I thought I was. Almost 6 months later I am still having my bad moments. Really trying hard to focus on Allah and my son. Ultimately trying to get past the jelousy and having to share my soul mate. Not sure polygamy is for me. I have been reading all the posts trying to get past my feelings but not sure I can. So much other stuff going on that was unexpected. Trying to take it day by day. But how do u know when u need to let him go and be free. Just would rather live without him is how I feel at times. Divorce would have been easier then this. 

  • Alison

    June 1, 2016

    Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies hope alls well. Am good

    Anna hows you lovely sis sending you all the love

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    Gail,

    I was uneducated about how to write a book as well. I had to do my research. Having to learn how to run a blog with a virtual server helped as well. Working with technician when work was needed on the blog, worked in my favor. It was a learning process. I just think that when it’s time for us to do anything, it comes a bit easy when it’s meant to be. We know when it’s time. God takes us there. God had a plan when I took the story off the blog to begin with. I didn’t know His plan at the time. I see it now. It’s why we need to be patience. God says be patient. Why? Because He has a plan. The most difficult part was having to re-read the book several times over and over and over again. At times I didn’t know if I was rereading or had duplicated material SMH. The story is heartbreaking at times, so rereading that crap wasn’t easy. But, anyhow, I got through it. I wanted to give up, but I got so far into it that there was no turning back. You’re right, though. I will have to market the book. A book can’t do well without some good marketing. I thought I’d get a chance to take it easy and relax, but I don’t foresee it happening SIGH

    I wouldn’t begin to know how to do all the innovative planning that you do with real estate. You’re brilliant when it comes to that. What you described that you’d like to build is amazing. You have vision.

    I think it was very nice and generous of you to help your in-laws. They must be so fond of you. You definitely are the exception to the rule what appears to be the rule with Pakistani husbands with foreign wives. At least you know how to handle your husband so he doesn’t get you wound up anymore. I see a huge difference in you, a big improvement. As I said before, you sound very content now. God is Great!

  • Gail

    June 1, 2016

    Gina,

     I wanted to mention also yes the Pakistani wives do scream at their husbands but they stay within a limit and most of the time they do get beat if they go over the limit.It’s kinda a double edge sword I guess u can say.

      U are correct though they would rather their husbands sleep around than take another wife.It has to do alot with assets in my opinion and not feeling like a failure as a wife.U have to understand in Pakistani society they are all about the money and assets and heirs to property etc… so they don’t want to split anything and then u compound that with the problem of everyone asking u what u did wrong that your husband went and took another wife.It is humiliating to a wife in that culture and the husband knows it.

     I think u might have got into the marriage without first knowing to much about the culture(I know I sure did) and boy when the blinders were lifted what a mess I saw.

     

  • Gail

    June 1, 2016

    Thank u ladies for your congrats on me becoming a grandmother.It is so shocking but I guess it is starting to finally sink in.Man i feel so OLD!!! LOL

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for June 2016. We thank you all for being here with us. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussion. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the May 2016 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/polygamy-411-May-2016-discussions/