June 2017 Discussions About Polygamy

June 2017 Discussions About PolygamyWelcome to our June 2017 discussions about polygamy

June 2017 discussions about polygamy

June 2017 discussions about polygamy

 

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  • anabellah

    July 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 June 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the June 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: July 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    I understood you – that it was your husband and/or her that could possibly end up in jail and not her ex-husband. You were clear to me on that one.

    Tunis, if I understand you correctly, what he intends to do would be a criminal offense. You said that he wants to divorce you in the country in which the marriage is registered and where she lives. He then would marry her legally there. He and you would remain married legally in the US. It would mean that he would be married to her legally in the country in which she lives and he would be married to you in the US. Well, it would mean that he would be committing the crime of “Bigamy”. He could be prosecuted for it in the United States. So, I suggest that he not do that.

    If he wants her to be his legal wife, then he will have to divorce you, other wise he’d be committing a crime. Polygamy is not permissible in the US, which is why he must not be married legally to more than one woman regardless of where the marriage are. Although there is no laws in the US to prosecute someone for being polygamous, there is a law against having more than one legal marriage. It’s against the law in the United States to be legally married to more than one person.

    Tunis, you shouldn’t care how much your husband assures you of anything. Allah tells us that those who trust should put their trust in Him. Your husband doesn’t know what he is going to do at anytime, let alone in the future. We can’t say it enough here that no one knows the future. If you want to believe that you can trust your husband, then go ahead. See how that works for you…

    You stated that he said, “that he is not gonna let any woman just up and take him for what he has.” Well it seems that she is already doing it. Seems he’s dancing to her beat. It sure seems that she is about to take all that you have. I’m beginning to think that maybe your daughters were correct. Your husband seems to be taking you for a ride.

    You said, why should it be different for you, if you simply stay married Islamically and not legally? Well, why did you get married legally then in the first place? If she married Islamically the way that most do in that country, then why on earth is she trying to get legal? And don’t tell me that bull crap about your husband and her being jailed. Why would they be jailed if Islamic marriages is the norm in that country? Why would her ex-husband get the child, if Islamic marriage are the norm?

    About joint accounts as I understand it, the husband or the wife could take money from the account at anytime. I don’t have and never had a joint account with anyone, so I don’t really know, nor know how it works in other countries. I have heard of spouses who have gone into joint accounts and cleaned them out (took the money and ran with it). As I stated before, you need to sit down with an attorney and figure out what you’re dealing with.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I really don’t know about Tunis’ situation regarding her legal marriage and the Islamic one. I think she is foolish to give up her legal marriage, so that he could give it to his other wife. It speaks volume to me about her husband and how important she is or isn’t to him. She’s been married to him a good number of years and bore him children. It seems that he is just tossing her aside. I don’t know if she just wants to stay with him come hell or high water because she loves him so much or what it is????

    Again, Abdullah_Pakistani, your question about the legal marriage and the Islamic one – whether dissolving one cancels out both – is a a heck of a good question, and I have no idea of an answer to it. I’m not concerned with it because I view my Islamic marriage as the only marriage that matters in the sight of Allah. As I stated, the Legal Marriage License is simply my marital contract. I don’t know how other are doing it or view theirs.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Brother Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You raised a very interesting question about whether a legal divorce invalidates an Islamic marriage. It’s a subject that I haven’t given any thought to and have no knowledge about.

    My husband and I have a legal marriage that I consider our marital contract. As you know, we are to honor our contracts. It would have to be dissolved in a court of law, if he and I divorce. He and I agree that Islamic law (laws about divorce and marriage) supersede any other law. So, he and I are on the same page with regard to it.

    My husband and I were married in a mosque in a large Turkish community. The Imam was legally authorized to marry us. He validated the license and filed it with the State that we live in. Our marriage was publicized in the newspapers.

    My hubz and I know how serious divorce is. Should it ever get to where my hubz and I truly want a divorce, we would dissolve the Marriage License in the court of law AND end the marriage Islamically simultaneously. They go hand in hand. We won’t have one without the other. It makes absolutely no sense to me to have one without the other. I’m firm in my position that I would not give up my Marriage License (I say) for all the tea in China. It’ just ain’t happening. It’s my intention. If my husband wants to stay married to me, the Marriage License must stay intact.

    There are probably a good number of men and women who have divorced more times than Islamically allowed and are now living together in sin (fornicating) or had done it.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Azam,

    I moved your post to the Pakistani thread 5 Things You Need to Know About Pakistani Men because this June one will end tonight at midnight.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 30, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Tunis,
    This legal divorce if given invalidates your Islamic Marriage as per the Hanafi Fiqh that I follow. I do not know exactly what the ruling is if a man divorces his wife legally and not Islamically in the West, but please seek both legal and Shariah council to be aware of each and every aspect as to the growing complex situation you are facing. May Allah SWA guide us and give us courage to be upright and honest at all times … AMEEN
    I request Dear sister Anabellah to shed some light on this issue, that if given a legal divorce a muslim couple remains married Islamically or not …

    Our Sheikh here says that it is a very sensitive thing that even if a husband gives divorce jokingly as a prank or non seriously it still constitutes a divorce !!! Let alone signing some legal papers !!!

  • Tunis

    June 30, 2017

    Thank you all ladies for your help. Sorry if I was not clear…but firstly…it is MY husband who could end up in jail and / or HER…..not her Ex That is what my husband said.
    About the divorcing part….he wants to do it in the other country where it was registeted too….so it eould be removed from his birth certicate…then he can marry her there, legally.
    He is hoping to be able to keep married to me legally here in the US. Meaning..he thinks the other country authorities will not report or submit our divorce to the US. .this may be true..I dont know .He would like to keep me legal on this side if possible. He is going to find out these things when he goes
    back to said country. But if we must fully be divorced legally to avoid a problem ..? He will divorce me ….whether I like it or not…but still wants to stay islamically married to me. He again has reassured me not to worry about anything…that he is not gonna let any woman just up and take him for what he has. That he has provided for me. She married him islamically…like many women here….and their husbands provide for them ….why should it be any different if I become the one islamically married? Maybe Im missing something in my understanding.. but we had built our relationship on trust…yes I trusted and want to continue trusting him to do the right thing by me…he said he will…he had plenty of chances to outright end our marriage…I even at one point said(more than once, I think) ..ok I ‘ll give you your divorce…lets split…then he tries to calm me or tell me think..etc.etc….then we make up. So if he wanted no part of me or to take care of me…he had is way out..is how I see it.
    If has u said ..I would no longer reap any benefits….well as it stands now…we have a joint account..which does not have to end even in a legal divorce…if this be correct….so I still have access ..new wife cant have access to this ..right? Also..my name is on the deed of this house as benefactor…if he dies b4 me..it goes to me. He can keep all this in tact…because its what he has aquired before marrying a new woman….my understanding..she has not right to that….?
    Will continue…I must go pray Fajr

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing how you and your husband handle the financial aspects of your marriage. You and he seem to have a good system going that works for the two of you. The beauty of Islam is that there is a lot of room for people to work things out with “mutual consultation”; honoring contractual agreements; and coming to amicable agreements etc.

    Business partnerships with Muslim men can become a bit tricky when the men are polygamous or may become so. Knowing such, I’d be very reluctant to go into business with my husband other than to put him to work and on the payroll, if even that…https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    It may not be a bad idea that the father of the child takes custody of his child. It would solve the problem of her needing a marriage license. She could stop working, as well, as she wouldn’t have to support the child. Then she wouldn’t need to worry about her husband being jailed, which I question the validity of it – unless they live in repressive Saudi Arabia or the like.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Lost Soul,

    I totally second what you said to Tunis about her marriage license. I, too, say, hell to the NO about giving up that legal document. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Tunis has had the discussion with us about it on previous posts. My thoughts on it haven’t change. I explained to her in detail how she should just let him do whatever he needs to do to facilitate the divorce. I suggest she do absolutely nothing to help him with it.

    It smells fishy to me too, Lost Soul.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    Your husband needs to be extra careful with what is going on with the other wife’s child. Your husband married that woman who has a child who is not your husband’s. Your husband is responsible for that child to treat him or her fairly and justly. He can’t just say, oh, that man needs to take care of his child. He’s can’t just shrug it off like that. If he didn’t want that serious responsibility, then he should have only remained with you or married a woman who has no children.

    It’s all fine and good and is expected that the biological father will care for his own child, but should he not do so, then your husband better step up and do it, as that child would definitely be considered an orphan.

    It’s a prime example of what that ayah in the Quran about marry only one, if you can’t be just to the orphan means.

  • Lost Soul

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis
    I don’t know your story as I haven’t been here long and I didn’t get much of what you have written as I have read in a hurry.
    All that stuck to me is that your husband is asking to divorce you legally!!
    Oh hell NO!!! NO! Pls don’t agree to it.. it’s one thing if the other doesn’t get married legally either but either ways I don’t think you should give up your legal document.

    Something seems fishy to me.. or maybe it’s just me..

    Whatever their issues are, they need to sort it out themselves. I don’t think you need to give up such an important document to make their lives easier when it could prove detrimental to your future.

    Just my two cents!

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    I removed the last part of the post to Tunis about the legal marriage license/certificate and put it separately. I didn’t realize until after I had rewritten the bottom part that I hadn’t removed it from the first part of the post. I just made minor changes to the last half. I mention it as some may want to read it again.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    About the part in which you said that she needs her marriage to be a legal one and not just Islamic, I get a funny feeling that it’s manipulative. It could be more that she wants it to be legal more than anything else. Therefore, he is telling you that there is a dire need for it to happen and happen quickly. You said he stated that he or she could go to jail or the ex may take the child, if she’s not legally married. It appears to me that he knew all along that you’d need to give up that marriage license/certificate, and she is now putting pressure on him to make it happen.

    You agreed to give up your legal document, so that she can be legal. I would NOT tell any woman to do that. It’s one thing to ask a wife to give up her marriage license/certificate, so that none of the wives would have one. It’s an entirely different story to ask a wife to give it up to give to the other wife who would then reap all of those benefit that you will no longer have, leaving you to depend on your husband’s word.

    Her problem about why she needs to be legal the problems with her child by her ex-husband is her and your husband’s business. Let them figure that crap out.

    It’s bizarre to me that you fear speaking honestly with your husband. If something is bothering me or I just want to talk, I ask my husband about it or talk to him about stuff whether he likes it or not. So, what you’re dealing with in not wanting to ruffle your husband’s feathers, so to speak, is foreign to me. I can’t imagine living that way…

    So, anyhow, above is what I think about all that you’ve stated.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    First, I think Flower and ummof4 gave you good advice. Second, I must say that I’ve just read and re-read your post, and I’m not sure I understand it completely.

    Years ago, I read in Islamic material (I didn’t read it in the Quran) that if a person wants advice about another, it is best not to mention the other person’s name. For instance say, what do you think if a person did this or that? Ask in a way that does not reveal who the person is. It appears that your husband has done that. Of course, you have an idea it is his other wife, yet he didn’t come out and say it, which was a good way to do it.

    You could either tell him what you think or don’t tell him. Either is okay. It’s entirely up to you. The way I see it is that a wife should want to help her husband. He’s asking because he needs help and he apparently valued your view in order for him to even ask you. You’ve been his confidant for years.

    If he were to ask you if you think he should divorce his other wife, I’d advise you not to input on that. Let it alone. Then she nor he could blame you for the outcome. People like to blame others.

    On the other hand, I think if it were my husband who was talking about the things that you mentioned, I’d input about it – not all of it, but some of it. Simply, I would tell him what I thought and base it on what I know from reading the Quran. Nonetheless, you’d still be accountable to Allah for the words that you speak.

    What he was talking about or the way you worded it is a bit confusing to me. If they agreed upon certain things before they married, but now she’s changing her tune, he could either oblige her or tell her, for instance, look, I’m sticking with our agreement, as it’s all I have to give. Then, she could either ask him for a divorce or suck it up and settle for what she agreed upon. After all, the agreement helped them both decide whether to marry each other or not. He could divorce her. He is not obligated to make her newly found or now revealed desires and wishes come true after she reneged on the initial agreement. What? Is he suppose to take from you and your family to give to her to fulfill her new demands and to make her happy?

    About whether he can afford another wife, it’s not for you to determine that. Let that be. He needs to figure it out.

    There is nothing wrong with him expecting her to help out, because she works, if it was part of their agreement to marry. If she was working before the marriage and is working right now, then I’d think they agreed that she would continue doing as she has always done (work). It appears to me to be their agreement.

    About the child from her ex-husband, it’s the same thing. Did she and your husband agree that the child’s father would continue to support the child? If they agreed to it, then, the father should. Your husband could help take care of the child, as well, if it what he wants to do and can do. Again, it all boils down to what they agreed upon.

    Again, did he agree to take care of her, if she stops working. If he did, then he should honor that agreement. If he can’t afford to, I suppose it puts him in a bind. It’s something that he’d need to figure out with the help and permission of Allah.

    I’m typing as I read each part of what you wrote, bit by bit.

    Should she not work, sit at home and pocket all her money is what you asked. Well, some women have got it that way. I don’t mean to gloat; currently, my husband pays for everything. I contribute, because I want to. For instance, I’ll help with our vacations and I’ll go to the Whole Foods and other places and purchase things that we need or could use. I like contributing and Allah has given me the means to do it. I don’t hoard money or bank it to watch grow either. It’s all about what married couples agree upon. My understanding is that most Pakistani women don’t work and they’re husbands pay everything. There is nothing wrong with that.

  • ummof4

    June 29, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum Tunis,

    Be safe, don’t give any opinions or advice on your husband’s other marriage or his other wife. Let them work out their own issues. They decided to get married knowing that she had an ex-husband, knowing full well the possible consequences. May Allah protect them both from the legal system. As far as him fully supporting her and her child, her ex-should be supporting his child, but of course your husband will help out if he is a decent man. However he manages to do it, don’t worry about it unless he wants to take finances from you and give them to her.
    Everyone, keep up the Ramadan spirit until the next Ramadan.

  • Flower

    June 29, 2017

    Tunis

    Based on all you’ve said I don’t think your husband will listen anyway. It would appear that the had agreed on something and now she wants her equal rights. It happends quite often. She’s well within her rights to ask for what a wife is entitled to. She’s given him something, as in her love, attention, body etc. And now she wants what’s hers. Sweet words and promises don’t cut it after the marriage ceremony.

    I don’t think you have any accountability in the situation except to give sincere,truthful advice, which I think you did. It may seem easy but to give sincere advice to a husband about his other wife/wives can be quite difficult. It’s hard to not hint or outright give answers that will benefit you or irritate the other wife. It’s why I believe a man should avoid asking one wife about the other(s). Directly or indirectly.

  • Flower

    June 29, 2017

    Ana

    Sorry for such a late reply but yes, my husband did insinuate intimacy wasnt happening all to often. I didn’t make too much of a fuss about her pregnancy but he has a long lasting nickname of ‘super sperm’ since he can impregnate women so easily, lol. It’s an ongoung joke between us now. Sometimes if he sits next to me I’ll say “watch it now, I don’t wanna get pregnant” lol. We both have a good sense of humour.

    The state of the Muslim ummah really saddens me. I’m just at a loss for words. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Tunis

    June 29, 2017

    Ana,

    Since my husband did not say this question pertains to him, but it felt like it, and he is not one to say..hey, my other is thinking this way about such and such..what is your take? He tries to get info indirectly from me..I didnt feel really good about this line of questioning..and did not want to say..hey ..I know why you are asking me this..like..is there a situation between you two? I cant go there..meaning..he dont want me to ask. But Im a little concerned that he be just and fair…its almost like he doesnt really know..but after questioning me..goes on to say
    something that was new to me regarding a man’s responsibility based on Quran or hadith. So I figure I am gonna stay out of this…he asked me..I gave my answer like u had stated. But if they came to some agreement before marriage and now she is changing her tune…? I dont know, cause the question alone told me alot…can my husband even afford another wife?…I believe he expects her to help out, since she works..he told me, and her ex must support her child.. that is ..IF she wants to continue working..if she stops..he will take care of her..thats his logic…if a woman works and pockets all her money..while the man bust his butt and pays everything..especially since its not his child..I think he is perhaps questioning her intentions now. He also told me..she will or cannot stay with him…until she is legal..’cause if the Ex finds out she is married without..will either take her child away or Ex could get her into jail and our husband too. He recently told me this..that is why he wants to divorce me..only legally..not islamically..to protect both of them. I want to believe this…and am willing..but a thought had come to me…why did she except to marry him islamically and then sleep with him..kmowing what her Ex might do? But I dare not say this to my husband..he will take it the wrong way. So I pray Allah protect my husband and her, if what he or she says ..is true. So do I have any accountability to advise my husband what im thinking based on what he has brought to light to me…or let it go..this is his problem?

  • Mari2

    June 29, 2017

    Ana,
    I totally understand that the husband should be the provider for the women. But the caveat is “within his means”. As a working person, I choose to live according to what makes me comfortable. If that means that I pay for it, than I am fine in doing so. If I required M to be the sole provider for my living situation I would be probably a bit unhappy since his means are more stark than what I want. So, MASHALLAH I choose to provide for myself. Does this mean that he is neglectful of my needs? No. He helps me financially when I need it. And I help him too when he needs it. It’s a quid pro quo financial thing we have. It gives me peace to be able to rely upon myself for the majority of my financial needs. And since finances are not an issue much in our marriage, we can focus more on each other when we are together. I intend to keep it this way and that is why I will not engage in any business partnerships with him.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Tunis,

    The husband is supposed to take care of his family and it doesn’t matter if his wife/wives work or not. Allah says men are the protector and maintainer of women. Notice, He said women, not only wife.

    Of course, a woman can contribute to her maintenance and that of the household. There is nothing wrong with that. If she does it, while remembering Allah, and doing it to seek the good pleasure of Allah, she may stand to gain Mega barakats (blessings). If all the wives and their husband are on the same page, working in unity, knowing that their goal is to enter Jannah, they will pull their resources and work together as a family.

  • NovelKnot

    June 29, 2017

    Hi Ummof4,

    Regardless of the way I grew up, I’m thankful to Allah for all my blessings in life. It’s not monogamy or polygamy I’m against, it’s the unnecessary abuse of marriage that troubles me. I’m afraid of any future relationship in my life, whether it be monogamy or polygyny. I didn’t really have any good examples of loving stable marriages around me. All I saw was cheating, abuse, lies, deceit, etc. I pray they Allah saves me a painful marriage if one is in my future as I’ve already seen too much too young.

    I didn’t come on here to bash polygyny or oppose it. In fact I’ve gone back and read many of Anabellahs articles and agree with most of them. This is the first place where I’ve found that i can discuss, learn from and understand these concepts as I’ve never had anyone else to have these conversations with.

    42nd wedding anniversary huh? Masha Allah that’s amazing! May Allah bless you with many more. Its amazing that you have four wonderful kids that had a good childhood. I’d love to hear more about them and their experience in a polygynous family.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Serena ,

    I thought your post belonged on the other thread. It’s okay. I have done the same thing on a number of occasions. It’s easy to write on the wrong thread. Insha Allah, I will move it and any of the replies once I get home, which probably won’t be till later this evening. I don’t have the capabilities to move the posts while I’m on my cell phone.

  • Serena

    June 29, 2017

    Was supposed to post on the Pakistani thread don’t know how I posted here. I thought I was on that thread!

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Gail,

    The fashion designer who did fashion week was Coco. I’ve been thinking about her. Insha’Allah I will email her. Hopefully she has the same email address.

  • Gail

    June 29, 2017

    Spirited,

    I laughed about the coconut oil I love that stuff and I now eat black cumin seeds alot because the girl that was a fashion designer(can’t remember her name) told me to try it and It really helps me alot.
    I can’t tell u how many times I have thought about u and wondered how u were doing.I am so happy to know that you got the husband u truly deserve.

  • Tunis

    June 29, 2017

    Hello Everyone !
    Strive to embrace those moments in better ways each day !
    May Allah the All Mighty help us all on this way to do so !

    I have a new question. It may have been covered somewhere on this blog, perhaps before I joined on. Anyway, I would like to know: if a man marries a woman who has a kid/kids and she WORKS outside EARNING money…(whether he marries her as an additional wife or first time)..is he expected to pay for everything of household needs, her needs, kids needs.. etc etc…or is she expected to contribute?
    What is the Islamic ruling on this and proof, please.

    I ask this because my husband has recently asked me this question in a round about way,(haha)using my divorced daughter with kids as an example..and what I think. ??

    I have my take on this..based on what I have read..but when I shared this with my husband..he did not like the sound of it? hmmm

  • ummof4

    June 29, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Novelknot, it is refreshing to hear that your childhood experiences brought you closer to Allah. I understand that in many cultures in the world where women are considered to be less valuable or less human than men, divorce is not an option. For the young ones out there, it used to be the same in the US as well. If you know people who are over 70, they will tell the same story – divorce was not an option, and women stayed in abusive, unhappy marriages. They often stayed for the same reasons that women in other cultures do now – for the children(the husband would take them), for family pride/shame, to not be seen as a failure. Alhamdulillah, that is not the case now, and divorcees are not looked upon as “unwanted, bad, used” women.

    Women and men choose to stay in unhappy marriages. My concern is more for the children of these marriages. Quite often they are damaged for life. They don’t know what a happy marriage is, and when they marry they do the same as their parents because they don’t know any other way of life. In my opinion, even if a woman or man chooses to stay in an unhappy abusive marriage, it is important that the abused parent exposes the children to other marriages that may be happy and non-abusive. That may be other family members or friends. It might even be to point out families on TV or in the movies. The child has to know that abuse is unacceptable, and Muslim children need to be taught that abuse is forbidden in Islam.

    The weather here has been beautiful lately. We had an excellent Eed and I enjoyed being with my children and grandchildren. In a couple of weeks we will go on our annual “Amusement Park with Jeddah (grandmother) Trip”, where I watch them go on rides, we watch shows and enjoy ourselves. Then a few days after that, my husband and I will go on our annual trip to the Caribbean for our 42nd anniversary.

    For those of you who are new here, my 4 children grew up in polygyny and are all adult Muslims with children and spouses who love Allah and are an asset to society instead of being a liability. The key to polygyny, monogamy, singlehood, and the key to success in this life and the next is to love and obey Allah more than any human, institution, or idea. Let’s all try to get to that place in our lives, In shaa’Allah(If Allah wills.)

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Michelle, Welcome https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Thank you for jumping in and sharing about your experience being a “secret wife”. I’d imagine being a “secret wife” wouldn’t be pleasurable for anyone. It makes no sense that someone would make an honorable and beautiful institution such as “marriage” a secret. I’m glad to hear that you got up out of it. You must feel much better physically, emotionally and psychologically. You breathe again, so to speak. Good for you!

    Again, thanks for sharing and feel free to share more if you’d like ?

  • Michelle

    June 28, 2017

    I was a secret wife in America, not Moslem though, for three and a half years, and every day it was excruciatingly painful to not be acknowledged by his family, friends, business associates, etc as his wife. The marriage also wasn’t legal so I really felt more like a mistress. It’s a cruel and bitter life being secret.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    novelknot,

    Most of us who are here share different views than you. We are pro-polygamy. We know that we can live it with joy, ease and contentment. It is doable. To do this, we engage in good, wholesome positive dialogue that assists us in our goal.

    Polygamy is no different than monogamy. It’s marriage, plain and simple. People have problems in all marriages; it doesn’t matter whether it’s a polygamous one or monogamous one. All the talk about polygamy in a derogatory sense is to get people to reject it.

    Allah has selected our mates for us, so it’s not a matter of a man needing to be able to practice it “correctly” or “right” before he enters it. No one knows what a marriage will be like until he or she is in it, and is living it. No one knows the future, but Allah.

    Only a believer in a marriage will have a peaceful and tranquil one the way that it’s supposed to be. It’s what I want this blog to be about. Not about people complaining about men and how unfair polygamy is. It is not!

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    novelknot,

    My thoughts on judging others is that everyone does it whether they say they do or not. Furthermore, it’s what we are supposed to do. Allah tells us to judge with what He has given us – the Quran. There are about eight or so ayat(verses) in the Quran in which Allah tells us to judge.

    Allah tells us to investigate as well. We’re not supposed to take anything on it’s face value, nor trust anyone but Him.
    He tells us who to listen to as well and tell us who to take into our intimacy. In order to do this, we must know about people and their characteristics. Allah tells us all about them. It’s so we know who to associate with and not etc. A believer, believes and does righteous deeds. It’s what we should look at.

    One can tell a lot about a person simply from his or her dialogue. A believer can spot another believer and differentiate between who is and who is not of his or her rank. As you know, there are those who are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. There are those who can’t see, nor hear the Truth. Allah has sealed their eyes so they cannot see and their ears so they cannot hear.

    So, we need to make judgement calls. Of course Allah is the Best of Judges and the ultimate Judge.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Hello novelKnot,

    You said the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a “perfect” man. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had good moral character and was trustworthy. He and all of Allah’s Prophets are our example. Only Allah is perfect.

    I removed the part of this post about “a diseased heart” as I will make a post/thread of it.

  • novelknot

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Annabelle,

    I hope you’re well. I just saw this as I’ve been busy. I’m not saying that my mom was right for staying and enduring. I personally completely disagree with that. I will never agree that abuse or continuous negatively in any marriage (monogamous or polygynous) is okay in any form (emotional, mental, physical, etc).

    But she chose her path based on what she knows and has been taught. In Pakistani culture, especially my parent’s generation, divorce is not an option. Women are literally told that their marriages are the end all be all and they have to stick it out. Yes my mother’s family would have been there for her. But my grandmother became a young widow and has 3 other daughters. They’re also poor. There’s no way they could’ve taken care of my mom and us kids. It’s sounds nice and comforting, but a wasn’t practical. My mother couldn’t afford to be a burden on her family and have their reputation insulted by getting divorced. This is pretty typical in Pakistani cultures.
    Also, my father would not have let her see or contact us kids, he’s would’ve made her and her family’s life even more miserable after a divorce. He’s always used us as leverage to keep my mother in line. He grew up here in the US and she in Pakistan, he’d keep us here and send her back to Pakistan without us just to spite her. And my mom feared that we’d then be raised by his crazy parents and brothers who are just as bad as he is. We’d be abused and mistreated. And my father wouldn’t care as long as he could carry on his romance. So she sacrificed for us. I myself stated in a previous post that my father would be this way regardless of polygyny or monogamy. But, polygyny definitely has not helped our situation. Our family was already crumbling and after polygyny, it’s ruined. It’s I Pakistani culture, this is usually what happens. Seeing my father’s love for his second wife and having new kids is like rubbing salt on raw wounds. I just wrote that post so you’d have some background info. I never said it was right or that I agreed with it. I’m not defending her per say, but I do understand her reasons as well. She did what was most logical to her within her capacity.

    Also, my father says he’s a Muslim and really believes it. So how are we to judge someone for being what we think is a bad one? That trips me up when I think about him and other muslims who are so sure that they are good Muslims but their actions don’t always reflect it. How can we judge their deen? It’s between them and Allah, right? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’m sure you’ll have good insight and perspective. ?

    When I talk about hurting the first wife, I don’t mean the initial/occasional jealousy, sadness, anger, etc as that is all natural. I believe if the first wife is happy/ content in her marriage overall, she’ll most likely stay in the marriage and eventually accept her husband engaging in polygyny. She’ll deal with it for the sake of her husband or family. And that’s good if that’s the case – it’d be ideal! But in cases where the first marriage has problems (and the husband and wife do intend to stay together), polygyny typically doesn’t have a positive overall impact. A man considering Polygyny should use logic and think about its impact on his present family and his own life. If it’ll ruin his present family, then being polygynous is no good. What’s the point of building a new family when you’ll lose your present one? Just because Islam gives rights, doesn’t mean that logic shouldn’t be used before applying them. Islam also gives the rights to many other thing (such as divorce, etc). This doesn’t mean that these are always the most logical choices in every situation. Monogamy is just as equal and valid an option and probably the better one if the outcome of polygyny will be negative for a family in the long run.

    But I understand that life’s not perfect and many of the women here have polygynous husbands and weren’t introduced to this lifestyle in ideal circumstances. That’s why I think it’s so kind of you to give them a place to connect, learn, vent and voice themselves. Keep it up! ?

    On a separate note, I read your other posts and you say that polygynous marriages are a test for some women and Allah has decreed them. That if you’re unhappy in polygyny, your heart is diseased and you should turn to Allah instead of leaving the marriage or feeling hurt. My mom holds the same opinion and that’s what she’s been doing all these years. But I tend to think a little differently. Yes polygyny is a marriage option just like monogamy is in Islam. But I don’t think the wives can just turn feelings of jealousy, sadness or depression. And that they have a diseased heart if they do feel these things. These are natural feelings that women have, even the Mothers of Islam did! Their husband, Prophet Mohammad was a perfect man and husband yet they had these feelings from time to time. We are no where near them so how can women’s hearts be diseased for feeling that way? I understand that they were not perfect women, but surely they were better then us. Allah made women with these feelings, they are natural. If one’s husband has decided that he will take on other wives and she’s unhappy with that, it’s okay. If she chooses to stay with him for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean that she had to be involved, supportively happy of his other marriage/marriages. It’s the man whose taken on the responsibility of other wives, not the women. I just find it unfair when women are told to kill their emotions and feelings because they’re wrong and just deal with what hand they’re dealt. I came across this article. I thought it was great and I’m sure many women can resonate with what’s she’s written.

    My summarizing thoughts:

    – I had a tough childhood but it’s definitely brought me closer to Allah and reinforced my belief and love in him. I’m pray and fast and have a clear heart. I’m thankful to Allah that I’ve made it through everything so far without losing faith and gotten even closer to him
    – Indo-Asian people tend to abuse both polygyny and monogamy because they don’t always respect women in general. Often times, they encourage and continue bad cultural practices over Islam
    – Polygyny when practiced correctly, is supposed to be a solution, not a problem. It’s the abuse of it that’s given it a bad reputation. Muslim women also need to understand that they may encounter it in their lives one day
    – Polygyny is a great choice if practiced by a good Muslim man and the wives are generally happy/content in their own marriages. It’s a bad choice if it’ll ruin families in the long run, in that case monogamy is probably better.
    – Women are made to feel emotional, unhappy, jealous, etc about their husband’s wanting to be polygynous. If they have a good marriage with their husband, they’ll naturally learn to live with his polygyny and accept it over time. Their husbands should be supportive and understanding about this like Prophet Mohammad was with his wives. He shouldn’t be angry, distant, forceful, etc. and make if an even harder situation for the existing wife/wives. This also doesn’t mean that the wives need to be supportive or involved with their husband’s other family. It’s not their responsibility nor role. If it comes naturally to them, then they’re amazing women. But, it should not be expected.
    – There are some women that benefit and would like to practice this lifestyle – it’s an ideal solution in these cases. If a man wants multiple wives and women need husbands or want to share theirs, that’s great.

  • ummof4

    June 28, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, I gave you the greetings on the Pakistani man thread, but I’m doing it again. I’m overjoyed at the fact that you may have found your true soulmate. And it sounds like both of you had previous marriages that weren’t that great, may the experiences enable you to be better spouses for each other. And feel blessed that your husband wants to “be around you”. I would love to “be around you” if just once, to soak in some of your bubbly, positive, patient personality. Don’t worry about your classes, just say the du’ah from the Qur’aan, “Rabbee, zidnee ilman (My Lord, increase me in knowledge). I don’t know how to type in Arabic, so I had to use transliteration.

    Everyone make sure to thank Allah today for all that He has given you.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Moipone,

    I just found your last two posts in the spam queue. I’m so glad I checked it. Sometimes I go days without checking the spam, and I delete spam sometimes without looking through them.

    @All,

    If you’ve written a post(s) that weren’t approved, please let me know so I can check the spam queue. Sometimes it may seem a long time before I approve posts. I could be sleeping or driving long distance or I’m preoccupied with something, which is why it takes so long.

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Ana yes I cannot forsee the future what will happen true. I was just being honest with my husband that should anything happen to my co , I was not willing to raise the child. Her family or his family will have to take care of him. (Not bringing him now)

    Yes Ana I communicate with her, I have no problem with her knowing her younger brother but I do not want her out of my side. You are right what my husband feels about us wont be the smae with his family.

    But he sees it as an attack on his family…

    Should anything happen to me I want my daughter to be raised by family not the co.

    It is something that came up when we were arguing about him taking our 8 years old to Bangladesh to vist the grand parents.

    @Rosa I am not Muslim learning learning about the religion for my daughter’s sake becasue she loves it. I will never mistreat the boy because he is innocent in all this mess.

    @Spirited thank you I thought for worrying about her going was being a drama queen.

    @Serena I have a half brother which resulted in my father having an affair, the family never acknowleged him nor do I see him as a my brother I would jump in front of a bullet to protect like my other siblings.

    I like saying what I think and do shy away from the truth because at the end of the day if I lie and yes Honey your son can come I promise to love him like my own I will have to live with that. A burden I refuse to carry but yes no one know the future things happen. I dont hate the boy or love the boy I just feel absolutely nothing towards him.

    Trying to deal with this challenge the best way I can and asking you ladies because you are Muslim helps me to understand my Muslim husband better. At the end of the day a human being is a human being despite Religion.

    I wish nothing bad to my co and the son or my husband’s family. All I need is honesty which sometimes I feel like its pulling teeth out of him.

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Good Day Ladies

    @Ana it was something that came up while we here arguing about my daughter going to Bangladesh with him to visit. Which my gut tells me hell no. I was should anything happen to my co would I be willing to raise and I said no.

    Not because I hate the son because I dont want to lie and yes honey because at the end of the day I will be liable for that.

    I said no because should anything happen to me I dont expect my daughter to be raised by my co but my family. I will also never mistreat the boy because he is inncocent in all of this .

    I was voicing my opinions to my husband who thought , it was an attack in his family and that I was refusing my daughter to know his family. I have known him for 10 years and not once has the mother reached out to me so why would I trust that my daughter will be safe in thier house in a different country.

    I am not Muslim but I educate myself daily because my daughter loves the religion and sometimes teaches me to pray I never dicriminated against that.

    it’s about the safety of my child and when I said that my husband threatend to leave and I said fine provided you sign away your parental rights and I am willing to raise her on my own and I am capable of doing so.

    yes ladies no one know the future nor can I stress about it but I wanted him to know where I stand. Yes I love him but I love my child more and protecting her in my duty.

    As soon as she is at an age where she is big I am willing to meet them half way like Dubai for a weekend for her to meet her brother but till then no ways.

    @Spirited thank you I thought I was being a dramaqueen rather he was making me feel like I am wrong about protecting my child.

    @Rosa I mean no harm towards the boy and no I am not Muslim.

    I ask for advise her because you ladies are Muslim so that I can be able to understand my Muslim husband. I also really appreaciate everyone’s point of view without taking it the wrong way @Serena.

    I wish no harm to the boy, my co or my husband’s family.

    Thank you

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    @Gail lucky for her she is whiter than my husband and myself. I want her to embrace being mixed and not choose between the races.

    Thank you I wil consider going with her to Bangladesh but knowing my family they wont allow it.

    For now the least I can do is to offer meeting in Dubai that way I will be comfortable and it will be mutual and level ground to meet.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Flower,

    I feel for you based on what you described. I don’t have children and never wanted any, yet I could imagine what you went through not only when your husband married another, but when the other gave birth. It’s must have been devastating for you. There is no denying that they were having sex, even if you wanted to fool yourself and not believe it or he said it LOL Oh, I thought you said you and she don’t have sex. Well how did she get pregnant then LOL Men SMH

    I really think that being in a polygamous marriage could pave the way for a woman to enter Jannah/Paradise. If she learns from all her experiences with it, it could purify her heart. It could give her a total make over on inside, in her heart and mind – purification of the soul.

    I’m happy to hear that you are doing much better. You’ve come a long way 🙂

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Ladies thank you again for giving me advise it helps to hear different perspectives.I will never harm any child ever.

    Hi flower very sad indeed.Thank you for sharing.

    Only time will tell.

  • Gail

    June 28, 2017

    Moipone,
    Unless u are going with your daughter don’t let the child go because u are correct in your thinking that she will be looked as less than or down upon sadly because she is half black.
    Bangladesh,India and Pakistan are all right there together and use to be parts of each other from what my husband has told me so yeah Spirited is right the cultures are pretty much the same in thinking esp when it comes to fair skin being accepted over dark skin as Insane as it sounds.I had a sister inlaw that was half black and half white and my own Pakistani inlaws talked and made fun of her behind her back because her skin color was the same as theirs.I am very white skin to the point that if I was any whiter I would be an albino.I have blue eyes and they all touch me and say how much they love my blue eyes and white skin.My own MIL has lived in USA for 6 or 7 yrs now and still she tells my adopted Pakistani kids to take showers so they will be white and walk alot and wear long sleeves.Whatever comes in that womans head she tells them.My youngest Son is lighter complected but as he is half Pakistani and u would be shocked to see how they treat him.They shower that kid with money and my FIL flat out says my biological baby son is his favorite and they wanted us to have more kids.It’s insanity of the highest level.I told my husband so many times to tell them to knock off but the inlaws don’t listen.I finally told my kids their grandparents are NUTS!!! and to just ignore them.
    I think at some point u will have to address the issue and bite the bullet and go to Bangladesh with your daughter sense she wants a relation with them and if they are willing to receive u and her then u will have to figure out at some point I figure but never let anyone put u and your daughter down on something as ignorant as skin color.U need to fight for your and your daughters rights to be accepted and that starts with your husband demanding respect for u and your daughter.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Flower, Hey there https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    The subject of Pakistani and Bangladesh men is very interesting and sad as well. Thank you for sharing about the Bangladesh sister whom you know who is having problems finding a Bangladesh husband.

    For me, learning about how “Muslims” differentiate between one another is disheartening and it may be for many reverts when they first become Muslim. I’ve been Muslim just a little over 30 years now. Finding out that very few people actually TRY to live according to the Quran, really messes me up psychologically. Most are into their own culture and deal in nationalism. Then there are those who seem to have no culture and go imitate someone else (Arabs) culture, as in way of dress etc.

    I see clearly why “Muslims” from “Muslim” countries are suffering so badly, as they have turned their backs on Allah and have abandoned Him. Allah only remembers those who remember Him. He promises the believers so much good and victory. The Muslims aren’t seeing it because they have rejected Him (Allah).

    In Islam, no one should see race, color, ethnicity, nationality or any of that. All that should matter is a person’s belief. It should be about belief and righteous deeds, nothing else. It is what should distinguish us from one another. So called “Muslims” are living and believing the same way that non-believers do. Apparently the “Muslims” are the ones who are cursed now.

  • Flower

    June 28, 2017

    Hiya all,

    Just jumping in on the moipone discussion. From my interaction with Bangladeshis they’re not much different to pakistanis. They have the same family dynamics and ‘rules’ for marrying. A sister at my local mosque is wanting to get but cannot find a suitable Bangladeshi brother. Her family want to get someone from ‘back home but she knows not many of them are learned in the religion. It’s not her that will only marry a Bangladeshi but it’s her family that won’t allow it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif. You’d think since pakistanis and Bangladeshi are so similar in culture they’d be ok marrying each other, but no. How very sad, her family would rather her marry an unlearned person than someone with a different heritage.

    Moipone.
    I do understand your feelings about your husbands son. When my co gave birth I found it very difficult to accept the child. Of course I was never unkind to or about the child but I had an overwhelming feeling that he was born from my pain. I know for the first year and 1/2 I cried every night he was away, and during one of those nights the child was conceived, so the child was being ‘made’ while I sobbed into my pillow, the baby felt like a product of my broken heart, may Allah forgive me. I never purposely tried to love the child, but I did once I had accepted polygamy and that their marriage was a real marriage that included sex and consequently, children. I think once you accept polygamy your heart will soften towards your husbands son, inshaaAllah. Remember there’s no problem in not loving any children as long as you don’t abuse them as Ana said. Your still working on accepting polygamy, focus on that for now and let your husband know to give you a break.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for the little history/geography lesson. It’s way interesting.

    When Moipone first arrived on the blog and mentioned Bangladesh, I looked it up on the map and saw that it was near Pakistan. I didn’t know, actually it had been a part of Pakistan at one time. lol

  • Spirited

    June 27, 2017

    Salaam all!

    @Ana, funny you should mention that Moipone’s situation sounds similar to what Pakistani men do — Bangladesh was once “East Pakistan”. Lol, so I wouldn’t think their thinking would be all that different. Besides which, the entire region was once one big country, which is why Indians are not much different in their mindset either.

    @Moipone. I agree you should not let your daughter go without you. They would definitely be racist — Africans, or blacks as you say, are seen as “lesser” humans by them. If she were to go, she would most likely be compared to the Bangladesh wife’s son and probably made fun of/insulted. Doesn’t matter what your husband says or if he makes promises that he wouldn’t let anyone say anything, they would still do so. No mother should let her children go to another country without her at such a young age as it is, especially to a 3rd world country where even the drinking water can look “clean” but still make you terribly sick.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Sorry! Some of the posts was out of order for a moment.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    With regard to now, how is Moipone wrong in not feeling anything for the child now. Allah controls what we feel in our hearts. She’s dealing with a lot right now in trying to accept being in a polygamous marriage. Why are you expecting her to feel love in her heart for her co-wife/husband’s child. Do you want her to lie about how she feels about that child?

    We know all to well about women who are in polygamous marriages and they are practically destroyed by the thought of the co-wives becoming pregnant or when they have children by their husbands. Do you really think that just because a co-wife has had an innocent child that the other wife instantly has love in her heart for that child? Ideally, it would be nice; I suppose.

    Some people don’t love children, nor like them. It’s why the one ayah (verse) in the Quran that people don’t understand lets us know that if a man can’t deal justly with the children (Men know if they like or want to be bothered with children, especially other men’s children) then they shouldn’t marry that woman.

    It doesn’t make a person a “bad” person if they don’t particularly care for children or don’t want to be bothered with them. It makes a difference if they mistreat or abuse them.

    Rosa, you may be sensitive to the issue because you said you didn’t like the way your co treated your child(ren) in the past. Gail has shared with us how her ex-co mistreated her son. No one is talking about Moipone mistreating her co’s child. She simply said she doesn’t want anything to do with the child now or ever.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    If I remember correctly, when Moipone first came here, she expressed concern that her husband had married her for citizenship, and he knew all along that he’d go back to Bangladesh to marry a Bangladeshi, however didn’t let her know it. To me, it’s no different than what the Pakistanis are doing – following culture – not Islam – and they purport to be Muslim. With that said, yeah, he’s a product of his environment. They’ll use any one to get what they want, whether it’s a black; Philippine; white; or any other race, color, creed or religion. They are equal opportunity users.

  • Rosa

    June 27, 2017

    Well moipones husband didn’t seem to be a product of his environment since he married moipone despite his family’s utter racism. The three year old can possibly go the same route. If we’re talking about now well now the boy is innocent. No one can foretell the future. I though we were advising her for the present anyway not the future and how the child might turn out

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    Maybe you could elaborate more. Does your husband want to bring the child there to your country now for you to rear and for you to love him as though you gave birth to him and he love you as his step-parent?

    If he’s talking about you taking the child, if something happens to the mom – where is that coming from? I’m skeptical about his motive. It appears the mother has no problem with having the child come to your country, yet she and you have no communication with each other and have never spoken. It doesn’t sound to be about people working together for the common good of all involved. But, then how could it be if you’re dealing with a bunch of racist people?

    Maybe you should have a deeper conversation with your husband to get at the root of it. What’s going on in his head and what are they planning. Something doesn’t meet the eyes.

    Here you are trying to come to terms with a polygamous marriage. You and she don’t talk and never have, yet he’s making plans for the son to come to your country IF something happens to the mother. Sigh. What’s up with that?

  • Serena

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone

    Thanks for the reply and providing further information about your reasons for not wanting to let your daughter go Bangladesh with her dad.

    I hope you didn’t get the impression that I was telling you to send your daughter with her dad. Your reply gave more information and as her mother you would only want whats best for your child and it’s only natural to want to protect your daughter from extended family.

    Rosa

    I agree children are innocent in all this. I feel that to a huge extent Moipone is no different to the Bangladeshi family that never accepted her as a daughter in law because she is black. She does not accept the boy as her daughter’s half brother. I think it maybe because the woman who gave birth to him happens to be her co wife.

    Noone knows what the future holds so inshaAllah hope her heart does soften towards the child.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    One must consider that we’re a product of our environment and our informative years are very important. In saying that, one must consider that the little 3 year old probably is being reared by those very people who dislike and dismissed Moipone. He may very well not be all that innocent when he is grown.

    We see what culture do to people by just reading here about the Pakistanis. It’s all learned behavior.

    It’s one reason I said Moipone is going to have to deal with today and not with what she will do in the future. Those people will probably keep that child there with the Bangladesh people. He may very well want to remain there. The only reason her husband may be wanting her to accept the child is only to give him a better way of life in the country where she lives. It may not have anything to do with her. It may have everything to do with what is most important to them. They haven’t come around in all these years to embrace Moipone https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • Rosa

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone

    It was rough reading your post about not acknowledging your husbands three year old son and saying you will never love him. It’s just sad because the children is innocent in all this. Why should an innocent three year old be blamed for his fathers actions mothers or how your in laws feel about you. I have a three year old son so this really hits home for me. Not sure if you’re Muslim or not but may Allah/G.D soften your heart towards the child

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    About your husband’s son, you said you would never love him. How do you know? No one can predict the future. Most importantly, God puts the love in the hearts. We can’t make ourselves love or not love anything or anybody.

    I know you’re basing how you think you’ll feel in the future on how you feel right now. Try not to go into the future with that. I’d suggest you simply tell your husband that you are not ready to embrace his son now, as you’re not feeling it.

    Let him know that you’re taking it all a step at a time. You’re trying to come to terms with him being married to another woman right now. It’s the most that you can deal with at the moment.

    About you taking care of his child should something happen to the mother, who knows https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Maybe the Bangladesh relatives would care for him there. He may be old enough at that time to determine with whom he’d like to live. Your husband and you are wasting time and energy right now in thinking about something such as it.

    We put a burden on ourselves when we try to figure out what we’ll do or what is going to happen in the future. Let’s deal with what is happening right now. We lose today by looking at the past or looking towards the future.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    Initially, I wasn’t going to input about your question, as I didn’t know what I’d do in your situation. Now that you’ve shared more, I have my thoughts about it. The analogy that you gave painted a clear picture for me.

    Knowing that his family have never accepted you because of your race, I’d suggest you not send your daughter to Bangladesh. As you stated, why should you think they’d treat her any better than they have treated you? Every time they look at her, they will see her race and will see you, as well – a reminder of what they don’t like.

    It would not be prudent for you to think that they would embrace someone who represents what they dislike. It may be wishful thinking on your husband’s part. He’s probably projecting his feelings about you and your daughter onto his family. He loves you and his daughter, therefore can’t fathom that they’d feel something to the contrary.

    I agree with you that you should wait until she is 18 years old and of legal age to make her own decisions, despite what you say. If she is old enough or as soon as she becomes old enough, explain to her your decision the way you have done for us.

    Right now, she is dealing with desire only. She desires to go to another country with her dad and have a good time. She is too young to know the repercussions.

    If you’ve followed Gail’s story, she said that she was poisoned while with her Pakistani husband in Pakistan. Your daughter is too young to know anything other than the fun she intends to have in a foreign country with her dad. You need to protect her, based on your advanced knowledge and wisdom, which you can’t do if she’s over 5,000 miles away.

    I don’t doubt that your daughter’s dad loves her dearly. Explain to her that the way his family feels about you doesn’t diminish the love that her father has for her and you.

    I think the more we communicate with children and open up to them, speaking the truth when they are old enough to understand, the better it is for them. They don’t go throughout life wondering why and coming up with their own conclusions about certain things near and dear to them, which may be false assumptions. Consequently, they become bitter and angry not knowing the facts.

    Those are my thoughts about it https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Eid Mubarak 🙂

    It’s nice to hear from you. I’m so happy that you and your new husband are compatible and happy with each other, as well. It’s always nice to hear good news.

    Insha Allah, all will continue to go well with your educational pursuits and Allah will continue to bestow his blessings upon you.

    About your ex-husband, I wouldn’t give him the time of day, if I were you. I’d not help him one bit, as he has shown you his true colors (as in what his Islam is like or should I say not like) besides having used you and your family for his personal gain. I certainly could see myself being truthful with the Prosecutor about it, as well.

    With regard to him complaining about his wife, I suppose that since you’re no longer in the picture and it’s only the two of them, the honeymoon phase finally came to an end. She no longer had you as a competitor, therefore she could relax and be her natural born self.

    I doubt that he expected you to remarry, so soon, either. Good for you. I pray the best for you and your husband. Insha Allah, you’ll have a little bambino soon 🙂

  • LittleSecret

    June 27, 2017

    Eid Mubarak to all! Even its days late. Hope everyone is doing good.

  • Moipone

    June 27, 2017

    Hi Serena

    My daughter is turning 8 years old in a month and want to go for 2 weeks.They are very close with her father.

    The son is 3 years old and I do acknowledge as my husband’s son. Do not take him as my daughter half brother and honestly I may sound cruel would never love as My own.

    Between the us wives we never spoke and never will speak,may it is because they never accepted me as his wife because I am black.
    I feel Like You cannot welcome a monkey while you are willing to shot the mamaGorilla down (just an example). If hate me for being black, they cant love her she is from my womb. (Do I make sense?)

    When my daughter is like 18years old and wants to her brother i wont say no. For now is over my dead body.Maybe it is the angry of the discrimination from my husband family.

  • Serena

    June 27, 2017

    Salam

    Hope those that celebrated eid had a wonderful time.

    Moipone

    About sending your daughter to Bangladesh with her father I think there is noo comprising if as a mother you feel you are putting your daughter at risk by sending her there.

    Just some points to consider (you don’t have to answer them here). The age of your daughter. Has she ever stayed ovwenight without you? How close is she to her father? Is she able to look after herself like dress and feed maybe even cook for herself? How long will he go there for? What type of area they will stay in? Will it have a toilet heating hot water etc? What if she gets ill?

    About the son coming to stay I guess some of the points above would apply to the son too like his age.

    Don’t take this the wrong way but do you acknowledge him as your husbands son, do you accept him as a step son and half brother of your sister? Would you treat him like your own?

    I think it would be nice for the son to come because that way he can meet his half sister. In an environment where you and your daughter are comfortable.

    Don’t let differences between you wives get in the way of a chance where brother and sister can live together with their father even it’s for a short time.

  • Moipone

    June 27, 2017

    Good Day ladies its been a while hope everyone is good and well.

    Its been over a year now since i found out the 2nd wife in Bangladesh. Another thing is wants to take our daughter to his parents there in Dec .I said no which caused a month of not talking to each other i gave him reasons and there is no way my daughter will be under the same roof as her. Am I being unreasonable?

    Then he asked if anything could the 2nd wifewould I raise her son? I said NO just like if anything happens to me, I dont her raising my daughter.

    There has been tension , which got me to realise that I am the only compromising in this.

    Am I being unreasonable?

  • Gail

    June 27, 2017

    Everyone,
    Happy EID Mubarak!

  • Spirited

    June 26, 2017

    Salaam and Eid Mubarak to everyone https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Glad to see you guys are well and most of the old gang is still about! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif. I do miss talking with you guys, even when we would talk about things not related to polygamy. Gail, a few days ago, I read something about how coconut oil is unhealthy to eat (but good for topical use) and that just made me think of you and how we talked of home remedies for infections one time! Lol.

    I’ve been reading along but it’s always later at night and I fall asleep before I can write in. Plus I don’t think I could add anything all that much that you lovely ladies don’t already cover, heh. I’m glad this blog is still so active and helping people, Mash’Allah. I hope Allah lets more people gain peace and understanding through everyone here and you all gain blessings for being understanding and supportive, Insha’Allah. Even though sometimes it may seem you have to repeat yourselves over and over lol https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    My personal life is going well and I thank Allah much for my new husband and letting me see to leave the jerk I was married to. We get along really awesomely, have the same moral values, like similar things and — the big shock to me — he wants to be around me a lot. I’m so NOT used to that, lol. I’ve got a year left in school, and Insha’Allah, will have a good job with like 4 options for upward mobility into further fields of study. The upcoming part of summer is going to be brutal though so pray for me that the rotation goes well. There’s one clinical instructor that scares the pants off me and I’ll have to deal with her every day, 8-4! I hope those 6 weeks fly by!

    You know what’s funny, my ex-husband has tried to…I don’t know what…make me jealous? Hope that I go crawling back to him? Twice he’s had documentation of how much he makes now (after I and my family helped him get here and get through school). Instead, I’ve told him it’s been a few years, he needs to make sure ALL his mail is going to his place, not mine. He had also been putting my name on his taxes as a dependent — luckily I put a stop to that nonsense right away (when I found out) before remarrying! I asked him why he wasn’t using his precious adultress’ name, well, his “wife”. You’d think he would put her name on their taxes filing jointly…lol. He claims he can’t (yes I rolled my eyes hardcore at that). Told him yknow what, I don’t care and I don’t even want to know what excuse he had for that but he better not dare use my name with anything to do with him again because I’ll take him to court over it if I can as I legally and completely have zero to do with his loser self. Last time I got something in the mail with his name on it, was back-taxes collection he’s been putting off paying. They just keep adding fees to it and will eventually just take it out of his pay which is funny because despite all he makes, and all that education, he still has the same backwards-fresh-from-pakistan mentality as any of those people. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif. Of course if I ever need it, I have the lovely dated Pakistani divorce paper that he had done in secret :D. He has also sent me texts complaining about his wife. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif. Why? What do I care? I have nothing to do with him, OR her. I pretty much had nothing to do with him for years before divorce too, lol.

    You wanna know the kicker? He actually asked me if I would help defend him in his deportation case! Lol, oh it wasn’t enough that I found an awesome lawyer (who happens to be buddies with the judge!), did all the paperwork, organize everything, etc., while he lied that he wouldn’t leave/divorce me and NOW he wanted me to go to court on his behalf? I was like HA! HA! HA! Yeah ok, if I went to court in that case, I’d be on the prosecutor’s side!

    Anywho, that was the last thing from that roach. My husband thinks my ex isn’t half as nuts as his and sometimes we try to compare, lol. I say good riddance all around ? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif. Well, that’s enough rambling for now I figure. I’m mostly around and Ana always has my email :D. I hope to pop in more often. Pray for an easy July-August! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Shona

    June 26, 2017

    Salam Rose
    Thank you, I’m glad I’m not the only one through this journey.
    May Allah make it easy for us.

    Aameen ?

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    I pray everyone is having a very happy Eid! May Allah bless you all! 🙂

    Happy Eid Mubarak from Polygamy 411Happy Eid Mubarak from Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    Cinnamon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Eid Mubarak to you, too.

    It makes two of us who are happy that you have found this blog 🙂 Alhumdulliah! It’s wonderful news to hear that you made istikhara and got a positive result.

    You are a beacon for all of us who want to see polygamy viewed as the positive, beautiful, good way of life that it is. It’s admirable that you are going defy the negativity associated with a way of life that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived. It’s a way of life that Allah has made lawful for us.

    Furthermore, I’m happy to hear that you’ve read my book, and you liked it. It’s music to my ears 🙂

    Insha Allah, you’ll stay with us here on the blog. Share as much as is easy for you and that which you are comfortable with. I pray Allah blesses you and your upcoming marriage. You must be so excited, and I’m so happy for you.

  • Rosa

    June 25, 2017

    Eid Mubarak everyone

    Shona welcome. I’m a third wife as well 🙂 nice having another third here

  • Cinnamon

    June 25, 2017

    Assalaamualaikum Ana and all the sisters here.
    Eid Mubarak to you all.
    Alhamdulillah. I’m so glad that I came across this blog a couple months ago. I have learnt so much Alhamdullilah. Even though I have always known that polygyny is a part of Islam, I was quite surprised when my istikhara to be a second wife was positive. I had been making istikhara for other proposals from single guys, always with negative outcomes. But in this case, I knew that the brother was a really good guy, so I told him that I would read istikhara. Through du’aa and reading posts on this blog I have found the strength to go ahead with it inshaAllah, despite the negativity I will undoubtedly get from my family and community. My soon to be co-wife has said that she needs a bit more time to get used to the idea. I have great respect for her, for the way she is handling everything. May Allah preserve her. Ameen
    May Allah reward all the sisters who have posted their stories on here and those who have advised them. I have also read Ana’s book which is a great read MashaAllah. May she be rewarded for assisting us to see the beauty in the sunnah of our Prophet SAW. Ameen.
    BarakAllahu feekum

  • Shona

    June 25, 2017

    Alhamdulilah…
    I’m overwhelmed and happy that I have found this blog. Jzk for all your advice and your thoughts. It’s genuine and honest comment. Nowadays it’s difficult to have a friend that will give you a genuine advice and leads you the right directions or even keep your secrets, sometimes the friend we trust and explain our problems to won’t give you a good advice or keep it as secret. My sisters may Allah reward you All abundantly and increase our faith guide and direct us in the right path. Protect us from all evil dowers.

    Lost Soul, u right she never respect the first wife she bullied her to the last everybody was happy when her husband married me, she became people’s enemy, bcos of the way she was treating the first wife. The first is a very quite person down to earth and kind.. They are not my friends we share what we all love dearly so it not easy to friend ur co’s… We live in a different town we only see each other occasionally.

    Sister Anabellah u are right this fitish thing work , because I didn’t group in that society so I don’t believe in it… here in Africa they have wicked ones they don’t believe in Allah, all they want is money and they do what ever you ask them to do….

    One of my best Zikrullah
    “Hasbunallahu wa ni`mal Wakil
    Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).”

  • Lost Soul

    June 25, 2017

    Shona,
    Wow, I find the reaction of the second wife to you and the marriage so drastic. I mean I’ve heard of first wives reacting like this to the second .. And it is understandable! BUT the second co saying she will NOT accept any woman in her husband’s life!! What?! Er Hello!!! There is a already a woman in his life! The first wife! LOL.
    Unless she was living in denial that she was the only wife till you came along!
    And since she entered a polygamous marriage she should have been aware that he might still want more wives.
    Yeah for sure there will hurt involved, but creating a ruckus and demanding divorce and then being mean and nasty to the third!! C’mon!
    You are right Gail, She must have thought she was all that and more and must have felt pretty superior to the first wife hence this extreme reaction where she thought that the husband would never want another woman beyond her!
    Stay strong Shona, I know about the stuff you are talking about , but I believe that faith and trust and belief in Allah trumps all and prayers are stronger than anything.

  • Karima

    June 25, 2017

    Eid Mubarak!!!

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Happy Eid, All
    Happy Eid Ul Fitr from Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,

    I’m wholeheartedly with Gail about what is happening with the 2nd wife. She got a rude awakening when you arrived on the scene. I’m sure she thought that she was the queen bee when he married her. She thought herself superior to the first wife, maybe even thought she was replacing her. Definitely thought she was the most loved. I’m sure she thought she was all that and a bag of chips.LOL Him marrying you jolted her into reality. She got a reality check.

    As Gail stated, probably she is going through the same devastation that the first wife had to go through. Perhaps she showed the first wife no mercy; therefore, is getting it back. You know the saying, “What goes around, comes around.”

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,

    I second what Tunis said about being friends with a co. Allah tells us who to be friends with. He says, don’t take those outside our rank into our intimacy.

    You know that your co (the one who married 2nd) means you no good. Therefore, there is no need for you to befriend her. It may make matters worse to try. Perhaps, down the road, later on things will be different. However, now, is not the time.

    We should do things seeking the good pleasure of Allah. A wife shouldn’t try to befriend a co-wife to please their husband or to look good in the sight of the other wife or anything else.

    Allah tells us to investigate. You know enough from the mere fact that the 2nd is acting out, because you’re on the scene that you need to stay clear of her. She’s not coming to you for your help or anything that is good, which tells you what she is about. It’s one thing to struggle with adapting to polygamy, and it’s another to act out and attack or be nasty.

    If you find that down the line, she one day want to do good and be friends because you all have the same goal, which is to obey Allah and enter Jannah/Paradise, then by all means embrace her as your sister-in-faith. In the meantime, be cordial as in give and return the Islamic greeting. Be pleasant and leave it at that. Insha Allah, in time, she’ll get better and will stop her evil ways. Just because she’s that way today, doesn’t mean it’s the way she’ll always be. It could be her personal jihad (personal battle) or not. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona, As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

    Along with Tunis and Gail, I’d like to welcome you. It’s wonderful to have another woman who married in the order of third here with us. We hear all the time from women who married in the order of first and second. A couple of wives who married in the order of fourth have been here, as well.

    Tunis and Gail gave you wonderful advice. As Tunis mentioned, it’s important that you believe that Allah is your protector. Believe that anything the other wives set out to do to harm you will be to no avail. They’ll be on the receiving end of the evil that they wished for you.

    Belief is so important. If you think that those evil doers could harm or hurt you, which you do by the mere fact that you brought it to our attention, it would hurt you. It’s hurting you already that it’s on your mind. I like writing this because it’s a reminder to me to check my thoughts. A thought may cross my mind from time to time that someone could hurt me in one way or another.

    We mustn’t think that those people who practice secret arts, voodoo, witchcraft or whatever else is out there, can harm us. Not to say that those things don’t exist and aren’t real. They are.

    As Tunis stated, we must seek Allah’s protection from it. Seek refuge in Him. Pray to Allah for His protection.

    There are specific Ayat (verses) to recite with regard to it. One is Surah 113 – al- Falaq or The Dawn. Insha Allah, recite it during each salat (prayer).

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Ma sha ‘Allah
    Gail,

    You have said it all… Indeed she was princess of the house until I arrived, she is not in good terms with the first wife either. You are right, “until her husband pick the Queen of England ” u really cracked me up omg… indeed I have been in U.K. For almost 12yrs, I’m a big threat to her. She think she has lost her husband, walahiee since the begin of Ramadan my husband is wit them, which Is okay with me, but if it was the other way round it will be a problem. But as u say my sister I’ll take that advice be quick learner. I know how much my husband love me, will do my thing and look up to him and leave the rest for Allah (swt) who is the best protector.
    Jzk

  • Gail

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,
    Welcome to the blog I am Gail.So u get along ok with the first wife but the second wife doesn’t accept u..I would say this is normal to be honest because until u came along the second wife had the status in her mind that she was special u can say.The first wife may not have an issue with u simply because she went through all the emotions with the second wife and Polygamy and now the second wife has to go through knowing what it feels like to be in the first wife’s shoes which is NOT fun.I would suggest to you to be a quick learner and ignore as much as u can the second wife’s negative emotions because it’s not u personally she has issue with it’s more about her own emotions and she would be upset if your husband had picked the Queen of England as a 3rd wife understand?Thats my take on your current situation.

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Wls sister Tunis,
    Jzk for your advice. Well here in Africa as long as you are not a “secret wife ” u must have to met your co-wife, due to family gatherings, wedding, naming ceremony and etc… Before I got married, my husband call me and introduced me to her over the phone we greet each other nicely for her she thinks her husband was joking, the reason why I choose him he’s very religious and pious well learned. And Allah (set) choose him for me first. He didn’t tell his wives after our wedding he discussed with them 2weeks before our wedding, after the wedding take place the second wife park her belongings and ask for divorce that she will never accept another woman in her husband life. Here it’s not easy to divorce so easily particularly when children have involved, so my husband parents and my cowife parents has to come together to help bring her back. Wahliee sister I’m praying hard and I’m so nice to her I have never show her any hatred, when ever my husband comes over she will call say all sorts of rubbish. She has one problem she’s very jealous so she won’t be easy to ge over it. As u said I shd be very careful and continue to pray.
    Eid Mubarak To U All!!

  • Tunis

    June 24, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Shona,

    Ahlan wa sahlan…welcome and be comfortable. Yes inshallah this forum will be a great support and inspiration for you.

    Sister that is the best thing to do..is to seek protection from Allah from their mischief making… thru prayers and duas. Don’t fear that junk..dont give it the time of day…dont dwell on it or believe in it..it is forbidden anyway fortune telling..it will be the co sisters lose, to fall into such things.

    Now on handling a co wife/wives…I cant help you there..but other sisters can ..but I have a question regarding cowives that I have been wanting to ask

    It seems that a lot if not MOST of the polygamous women here(unlike ME) know of/about OR met/talked with OR one wife wants to meet the other …OR confronts the other with anger/saddness…etc etc…so when you say one of the co wives doesnt want to accept you…how is it you came to know this? that she feels this why?
    I ask this cause Im wondering maybe isnt it perhaps better for co wives not to meet or even know to much about each other..keep things separate…IF YOU CAN..OR is this coming from the husbands insisting they meet or us wives curiosity/jealousy ?
    My husband does not want us(wives) really to get into each others lives (wives)but seems he wants to keep us separate..maybe for the time being ..I dunno..and maybe I think it is better this way..if a man can manage it like that…but yes I know it all depends on the dynamics of all relations involved..so each is different ..I guess.

    I mean..do I need to get to know my co wife…is this left up to my husband ? cause he dont want either of us asking questions about each other…so he says to me. Im not gonna insist either. Mostly, because she is not up in my face or lives near me..but I also dont have any bitterness or anger or meaness towards this woman…she is a sister in islam married to the same man..our husband.

    But my advice to you is to stay clear of her..fear know one but Allah..if you fear their fortune telling..you make association..shirk..
    Your co wife does not accept polygamy really…and digging a hole for herself..just be nice to her if you come in contact..there are many duas to make yourself..no one needs to make them for you…just you.

    Well im off to bed now…2 more hours to go and up for suhoor

    Happy 29th Day of Ramadan ya’all !

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Salam….
    Alhamdulilah it’s good that I have found this website, by reading most of the stories Walahie it gives me, courage, patience and strength. Jzk to all u wonderful ladies out there and to the owner of this website. I got married (7) seven months ago and I’m the (3) third wife, to be honest my husband loves me dearly and he has a high respect for me. My problem is the second wife of my husband can’t accept me and the sad thing about us here in Africa they like going to fortune teller and They can do any kind of “Fitish”… I didn’t grow up in Africa I spend most of time in the western world, but I’m very good with reading the Quran. All I have is Allah (swt) I pray Day and night for protection. I need more advice how to handle my co-wives, cuz two heads is better than one.
    May Allah( swt) make it easy for All Us. Amin

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    It’s kind of interesting how our lives are so similar. And we’re nearly the same age I’m 25 lol!

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I lived through a similar situation as yours except my father was not polygamous. He was very abusive to my mother, they would beat each other up nearly every night.

    My mom stayed for the same reason as yours, the kids. Now my dad was a very loving and affectionate father he loved his children more than anything on the face of this earth but the way he treated my mom made me hate him for years even after his death it took me a long time to forgive him.

    He also had a mistress, but I won’t go into that. My point is polygamy is not the problem, the man is the problem. I would’ve preferred for my father to be polygamous than to have an illicit relationship outside of the home that ultimately could have caused all of us to have all types of diseases.

    i feel pity for him now because on the day of judgement he will come face to face with everything he did. Unfortunately he was adulterous and that’s a major sin. I would have preferred him to be an unfair polygamous man than and unfair adulterous man. One is worse than the other. And I feel this way because I know whether he was polygamous or monogamous he had some major character flaws. He wouldn’t have been fair or kind to my mother either way.

    It’s been 12 years since he passed and I’ve come to terms with everything. I’ve made my peace with it and With him. It all serves as motivation not to take the paths he’s taken and to treat my mother like the amazing woman she is until she too passes away.

    The best you can do is try to help your mom out of that situation. Polygamy is not the issue here your father is the issue. But if she doesn’t wish to leave than there’s no one to blame

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I share many of your sentiments about the husband being kind to his wife or wives and considering how his actions will affect them before going into polygamy. I also understand why you got so worked up reading the stories of some of the women on this blog, sometimes I read what my sisters are going through and I cry too and just make dua for them. And I’m sorry for what your mom has been through and the trauma it has had on your family.

    We could preach all day and night about how the husband needs to do this and do that. And how he needs to be considerate before entering polygamy and everything else you said that are very valid points, but there aren’t a lot of men here to hear it so it would be like talking to a brick wall.

    The thing is the vast majority of people on this blog are women who want to stay in their marriages. some of us are in really bad situations where the husband is not at all treating us how we deserve to be treated, while some of us have decent husbands who try to be fair and we recognize the pain that we’re feeling comes from ourselves. I can speak for myself, that I will not tell a woman to leave a marriage that she doesn’t want to leave herself, unless she’s in a really horrific situation.

    I don’t think that anyone on this blog believes that what a lot of men are doing is acceptable or a good thing. Or that any woman should be treated unkindly or unfairly and just suffer silently. But if a woman wants to stay in the marriage for whatever reason the best we can do for one another is support one another and give each other advice on how to deal with our situations in a practical way. For me that means focusing on Allah and finding peace of mind and heart through rememberance and worship of Allah. There’s no benefit on telling someone to remain angry, dwell on their situation, hate their husband, hate their co wife, and continue fighting their husband every day until he starts acting right because it’s not going to work.

    I’m a strong believer that Allah can change the hearts and situations of people and also give them a way out of thats what’s best for them. But how can we expect Allah to help us and remember us if we don’t remember him. Turning to Allah for help is always the first step in finding a solution or a way out of a bad situation.

  • Gail

    June 23, 2017

    Ana,
    In regards to what I was going through at that time in my life back in 2012.I was under a tremendous amount of stress in my life.My husband hit me with all his nonsense about him and excowife and them using me for immigration(although at first he denied it but later on he admitted it)While in Pakistan that same year I ended up with a double lung infection and was so ill I started coughing up blood.At the same exact time I was just barely starting to heal and I got news while in Pakistan my 1st husband who was diabetic had went into a diabetic coma and was not expected to live(which as u know he did end up dying)I was married to my first husband fro 15 yrs and my oldest son was from that marriage.As if all that was not bad enough the day before I got the news my first husband was in a coma and not expected to live we paid our air fare back to USA.We booked nearly a month in advance so I ended up stuck in Pakistan not being able to get back to USA and I was sick with worry because my oldest son was only 17 at the time and he was living with my exhusband in another state from where I lived.To top it all off unknown to me my husband and son were living hand to mouth and the electric had been turned off and my son was living without electric in the home.When I found out I was mortified at what was going on because my exhusband came from a pretty wealthy background.His parents were millionaires and his parents had died like a year before and I knew he had got in inhertence.What I didn’t know was my exhusband spent every last dime of it and gave alot of his money to friends in forms of loans which not a one of those so called worthless friends bothered to give my son back the money his dad loaned them(my exhusband was the type to blow money and never save for a rainy day).U might have remember me saying not sure but my exhusband ended up being in a coma for a month.As soon as I hit USA soil I ran and grabbed my son and we went to the hospital.At that time in my mind I had expected him to live(I guess I was in denial)but when I go to the hospital and saw him I knew instantly it was over.I told my son to tell his dad goodbye and at that time he broke down and wept and figured out his dad was not going to make it.My husband told my exhusband we were back from Pakistan and he didn’t have to hold any longer he was free to go and not to worry about his son that my husband and I would look after him.As if things were not already bad enough I kept hearing my exhusband talk to me.I was sitting in a chair next to him crying when my son was out of the room and I just kept hearing him say my name and he said promise me u will tell(insert my son name) about the REAL ME!At first I ignored but his voice became so strong it wouldn’t stop and finally it really got my attention and I asked my husband do u feel anything.My husband said Yes he is here I shot up and opened my exhusbands eyes and asked if he could hear me and a tear came from his eye.I couldn’t figure out what was going on logically speaking but again he told me to promise to tell our son about the Real Him(who he really was) and I said ok again in my head but this time he said NO say it outloud so I know that u understand.I don’t mean to make light of the situation here because it was seriously the lowest moment of my life but I was sitting there having this insane moment with my exhusband who was in the process of crossing over and he was demanding I say outloud what he was telling me and I was like Whoopi in Ghost getting upset and I finally blurted out what he wanted me to say and he was satisfied as much as a person could be after I stated what he needed me to outloud.At that moment is when my husband told him he was free to go we had our son and he was safe etc..We said our goodbyes and left(I would have stayed until he passed but because of family issues and us just traveling from Pakistan we decided it best to just go.We got the call early the next morning he had passed away.Looking back now it was amazing that he held on for us to get back.I will never believe that he held on for a month and died a few hours after we went to see him and wish him goodbye.But nevertheless it was a nightmare at the time and as if that was not bad enough within the year I would loose my Grandmother who raised me(she was my rock)so for all these reasons I found myself in that deep dark hole.
    I never understood Suicide but I do now.I don’t condone it at all but I do believe people find themselves stuck in a place they can’t escape from and I totally get it.The struggle is real.

  • Rosa

    June 23, 2017

    Wa alaikum salaam
    It’s all good sis

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    Rosa, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I still don’t know what caused the malfunction with regard to some of the features on the blog that went missing. Insha Allah, I’ll get it figure out soon.

    About the Pakistani Post/thread, I don’t think we need to put anything additional on the home page. If you look at the “Popular Posts” on the sidebar, you’ll see that the Pakistani post is always listed there as one of our most popular posts. I think it’ll suffice. Thank you for your recommendation, nonetheless. I appreciate people reaching out with ideas. I appreciate your suggestion.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    novelknot,

    I know you won’t get this post until later. I just read your post that gives more background information on you and your family. It’s interesting that you asked in one post, how long your mother must endure the “test”. Well, you said, “My mom has family, they’ve always had their door open to her and us. They don’t like my father and what he’s done – and they don’t even know 10% of the actually.”

    She had a place to go. She didn’t need to intend to stay in that abusive relationship. There are women who stay because they have no place else to go. There was a means of relief available to your mom. She had a door open to her and you kids. If she didn’t want to leave and didn’t make her intention to leave, then it makes sense that she is still there in that abusive marriage. Allah doesn’t change one’s condition until they change what is in their heart. It’s what He says.

    Your mom said a bad dad is better than no dad for the kids. I beg to differ. How was having him there beating the crap out of her and treating her badly helpful to you kids? You all were traumatized and scarred by it. It will affect you and your siblings negatively now and in the future, as well, if you don’t seek help from Allah with regard to all that you have lived and witnessed.

    She didn’t want to live without her husband and a father for her children although he was, and is one of the worst type of husbands and fathers that a woman and children could have? She lived in a house with a non-Muslim who he had an adulterous relationship with (his other wife) who continued her non-Muslim ways. Again, she had some place else to go and take you children with her.

    novelknot, who is to blame? Your mother can’t put all of that on her husband/your dad. She has to be held accountable as well. I don’t know if she thought that enduring that type of suffering made her pious or what was going through her head.

    Allah says that when an oppressive wrong is done to us, we should not be cowed, but defend ourselves. Based on all that you’ve said, I don’t see that she’s even attempted to do it – defend herself. I’m sorry if any of what I said is way harsh. It’s my thoughts on the situation, based on the little that I know.

    You said men shouldn’t engage in polygamy if it hurts a first wife. Well, your dad was having an illicit relationship with that woman up until recent years. So it goes to show it had nothing to do with polygamy, but with the type of man that he is. It’s about his character and disposition.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    Gail,

    The way that you described is heartfelt to me. It give me the chills. I can’t recall ever feeling the way you described. I’m sure that if I had, I’d remember it.:-( Thank God much that you’re out of it. Thank God much that we’re at a better place. 🙂

  • Gail

    June 23, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    Your Welcome! One thing I would like to mention to you as well is that once i pulled myself out of that dark hole and it closed up.I have never found myself back in that hole.I think once u start to heal from your own grief u will see the same thing happen.The best news of all is remember that stupid black hole won’t last forever Thanks G.D!
    Yurlaynis me working through my grief by forcing myself to only morn and cry in the hours I allowed myself was one of the most important life lessons I learned about self discipline and control.

    Ana,
    Yes I did tell my black hole story on the blog several yrs back.I wish I could explain in more in detail or even better I wish I could have some mental health professional explain what I was going through at the time because it was such a dark hole and I swear it felt as real as being in a deep dark well not being able to get out.I mean it felt as real as u and I.It sure didn’t seem like my imagination at the time although it obviously was.I know I am so thankful G.D delivered me from that nonsense! I can sure remember at the time feeling so alone and abandoned by G.D and crying from my soul at the amount of emotional pain I was in.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Gail,

    I like the story of how you were in a hole and was able to climb up out of it. It’s an amazing story, and I’m so glad you shared it. I think you may have shared it years ago, as well. I somewhat remember you speaking of it. It’s an inspiring story.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    Have a good night. I was going to finish up a post/thread and call it a night, as well. Good talking with you. Insha Allah, we’ll talk again soon. Oh, sorry for all the misunderstanding one another and the confusion. We’ll get it together, Insha Allah.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Anabellah,

    I meant it’s a choice in the way you go about the marriages (as in how you approach the wife/wives, etc.) – not in terms of spouses as indeed Allah chooses that for us.

    Okay, I hope I’ve cleared all the confusions that I’ve caused today ?

    I think I’ll call it a night now…x ?

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    About the Quran telling us not to cause someone pain, I don’t know where you’re getting that from or what it means. No one should intentionally go around hurting anyone. It falls under being just and kind. No one should go around slapping another upside the head; stabbing a person with a knife; calling someone offensive names, cursing someone; telling the person she’s a fat, ugly dog, or anything like that, for example. Those type of thing cause pain inflicted by another.

    What do you mean about causing a woman pain in a polygamous marriage? The pain that a woman feels in a polygamous marriage is a different kind of pain. If the wife is feeling some pain in her heart, it’s because of something going on within herself. If a husband marries another woman, which Allah decided and it causes the wife pain, then she rejects Allah. She has a diseased heart. It’s not the other person’s doing. The husband didn’t cause her pain, nor did anyone else. He simply did what he was decreed to do. She needs to self-analyze why she has a problem with it.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Anabellah,

    Our story a long and confusing one, I will definitely share but I think I’ve wrote too much already today ?

    My mom has family, they’ve always had their door open to her and us. They don’t like my father and what he’s done – and they don’t even know 10% of the actually.

    Now that I’m older (23 years old) I tell my mom that she has the right to a peaceful life, she’s endured enough.

    She believes that Allah chooses our marriages and this was her destiny. She feels that she was destined to live a loveless and terrible marriage, that this is either her test or punishment. Believe me she a firm believer in Allah not just in deeds and actions but in mind too.

    Also, her main reasons for staying with my father were that she thought us having any type of father was better than having no father and also that she doesn’t know anything else in life. She’s been in this situation for so long, she doesn’t know anything else. She thought that just because he’s a bad husband to her, doesn’t mean that her kids should be deprived of their father.

    My sibling and I were born and raised in the US and my family has always been here. My dads never abused us physically, but he has said some very mean and hurtful things to us even as little children. For as long as I can remember, he’s been all about his second wife. Like I said earlier, she was his girlfriend for many years and wasn’t a Muslim until she married him official a few years ago. Even know she’s not a practicing Muslim, still lives how she used to.

    I’m not looking at this experience being a problem with polygyny in general at all. Even if my dads was monogynous, things wouldn’t be much different.

    I know other marriages that are polygynous as well and they’ve got loads of problems too. I guess my point is that often the way that women (first or second wife’s cause order doesn’t matter) are mistreated (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc) in these marriages is sad. Good Muslims, should be kind, compassionate and considerate of everyone – especially those in their families.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    I’m a bit confused. In the last post you said you agreed that Allah chooses our spouses, now you’re saying it’s about choice. I don’t want to get in a debate here about whether Allah chooses or it’s a choice for us. One believes what one believes. I was just wondering which one you believe. Some believe it’s a choice. Some don’t. It’s okay. It’s a topic (free will or not) for discussion on another blog, not here.

    I will say that if anyone, the man or the woman, finds herself in a polygamous marriage, it’s because Allah decreed it. He made it happen. He decided it. He decided the spouses would wed each other and He determines if a a man is polygamous or not.

    Abdullah_Pakistani has now said that he won’t become polygamous, not now, nor in the future. That is his intent. Allah knows best what Abdullah_Pakistani is going to do.

    I agree with you that a man should be kind and compassionate. Allah tells us to be just and kind. He tells us to be compassionate to the believers and firm with the unbelievers.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Abdullah_Pakistani,

    It’s funny how I wrote all that just to get the same point across that you’ve so eloquently summarized in this one post! ? one happy wife is better than two angry ones! And believe me it’s not Pakistan, this is a universal phenomenon. I live in the US and know families practicing polygyny face the same problems and end up unhappy haha.

    I’m glad everything’s worked out for you and you’re happy in your heart and decision. May Allah bless you and your amazing family.

    It’s nice to see good men like you, there should more. Wishing you all the best!

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    I apologize for misunderstanding. I can get with you when you say that the husband should give his first wife consideration. After all, Allah instructs us to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. How many people do what Allah says? Look at the sad state of affairs that the Muslims are in globally. All the negative things that are happening to masses of them. It’s for a reason. A lot of Muslims just aren’t doing what Allah says, if they even know what He says.

    I agree with you that it’s important for the husband to consider his first wife and talk to her about him taking on another wife, because it will affect her. It’s one thing to consult the wife and another to get her permission. It’s important for one not to confuse the two. Talking to her about it is important and a husband should do it. Nonetheless, it probably won’t make much of a difference, as most women are against polygamy. It will have the same initial effect. Of course, doing it on the sneak tip or down-low will only compound the problems for the husband and the wife.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, you write with passion too. Nice posthttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Thanks for sharing about all the factors that helped you come to the conclusion that you intent not to marry again. I’m glad you found the blog helpful, as well. It’s nice that you’re still here with us.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    It’s very sad to hear what you, your siblings and your mom have been through. Does she not have any family members who could help her? Has she no where to go? I mean, did she have no option whatsoever but to stay with him and go live in the other wife’s house? There are so many question. I don’t know what country you live it. I know here in the States, we have shelters for women who are in domestic abuse situation. There are agencies that help women leave abusive marriages and relationships to get on their feet. It’s for women who are single in relationships or married (and it’s monogamous marriages). The children go to those shelters with their mothers. Some of those women leave the shelter and go right back to the abusive husbands or boyfriends. Some stay in abusive relationship for years and years and years. The point is, it’s not about what type of relationship it is – whether it’s a dating relationship; a man and woman who live together without being married or a marriage that is polygamous or monogamous, it’s about the people.

    You’re looking at it being a problem with polygamy. It appears to me that the problem is with the type of man that your mother married. It’s his disposition. He’s abusive, mean and tyrannical. It’s not that he is polygamous. It could be the same had he been in a monogamous marriage and just had a mistress on the side. The only difference would be that he wouldn’t have forced his wife to go live with the mistress.

    You sound to be an older child; is there anything you could do where you live to help get you mother out of the second wife’s home?

    No one knows what it is that you mother is going through, whether it’s a test or a punishment. I know Allah’s promises are true and he promises the believer comfort and ease. They don’t have to get to Paradise to get it either. They can have it in this world’s life and the best in the Hereafter. Perhaps your mother thinks she’s doing all that she she should be doing to worship Allah, but maybe she’s trying to be obedient to her husband and it’s not about Allah. Belief is very important, and it’s not just about offering salat, fasting and such. One must have the right belief as well as righteous deeds. Belief and righteous deeds gets one to Paradise/Jannah

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 22, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister NovelKnot!
    You write too passionately ..
    Jazak Allah for your time and suggestions, I will bear in mind what you said and try to do the needful In Sha Allah.
    I have no intention of taking up a second wife anymore not now and not in the future.
    I was stupid to think that the second wife would be like a younger sister to my first wife and a little mommy for my girls!!
    I can Alhamdulliah afford to rent them separate homes BUT I thought keeping them under one roof would make their bond more stronger and help the second wife learn Islam from the first wife. My sister who is a Scholar told me they can have independent portions within the same home with separate entry and exit and separate kitchen, washroom etc.
    THATs HOW I LOOKED AT THINGS UNTIL I WAS HIT HARD ..and I came to realize my dear wife was not willing and this would cause her immense pain.. at first I thought she would get over it but her sadness grew on her till she no longer looked or acted like the carefree, smiling, beautiful confident woman I so adored ….
    I looked around helplessly and sought answers from scholars, my father, my sisters, my friends but no one could say I was doing a wrong thing until Allah SWA guided me to this website ..
    I looked around and read with sorrow and disbelief at what some of my sisters were going through and had endured …
    I sought their experianced counsel and finally I made up my mind to never marry again …
    NOT BECAUSE I COULD NOT AFFORD Separate homes
    NOT BECAUSE my dear wife is still traumatized ..(its been more than 3 years since the last still birth and I took her to Haj in 2015 and we came back at peace Ma Sha Allah)
    NOT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID I WOULD treat anyone including my daughters unfairly .. or let them feel the slightest change in my love and affection for their mother or themselves … I even decided to work from home to give them more time and involve my first wife in my business to keep her mind busy and feel that I have full confidence and trust in her and her abilities ..
    I started going to bed with her one , two , three times a day before ramazan and at-least once every night during ramadan ..
    My dear wife in here distress asked me to purchase for her an apartment for her daughters and herself just in case I lost myself to the second wife and I promised to put every single penny that I had (roughly 250k USD in form of investments except for the business since I have partners) in her name since Allah SWA had blessed us this money together and I had no claim on it alone … I have faith in Allah SWA that He alone is the Provider and the second wife will bring here own sustenance with her ..

    TAQWA necessitates that I stay the hell away from polygamy while living here in Pakistan.. there are more chances of hurting others ..
    I WILL NEVER EVER TAKE UP A SECOND WIFE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WOULD LIKE TO SIMPLY BECAUSE ONE HAPPY MERRY FUN WIFE IS BETTER THAN TWO ANGRY, SAD ones !!!
    I do not know how long I would be in this world and I have never ever intentionally hurt anyone and now at 40 I am not going to hurt the ones I love the most … May Allah SWA always keep them happy and grateful Ameen ..

    That is my story and May Allah SWA accept me and all of us from among the grateful servants, from among the content servants from among his pure hearted servants .. Ameen
    So when we leave this world we are greeted with ..

    “Ya Ayyatuhan Nafsul Mutmainnaah Irji’i illaa Rabbiki radhiyah tam mardiya, Fadkhuli fii ebadi wad khulli Jannati ” Al-Fajar 89:27-30

    AMEEN YA RAB

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Ababellah,

    You’re right – Allah selected Prophet Mohammad’s wives and he selects our spouses. What I meant by them needing each other and choosing to remain in polygyny is exactly what you stated. I didn’t go into detail as you did but believe me that’s what I meant. My point was that it was all for a purpose. And the purpose was Islam and its message. My point was that the purposes of his marriages were for a greater reason – not for his own reasons. I’m sorry for not being more clear or coming off incorrectly in the post.

    My only point in all these posts was that it’s not so terrible for a husband to take his first wife’s feelings into consideration when making decisions about second marriages. She should a person of consequence in his life. He doesn’t have to completely disregard her in order to exercise his rights. That’s all.

    I’m not trying to step on your or anyone else’s toes or defy Islam and the Quran. That’s want my idea or intention.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Ana,

    I do believe that Islam is a way of life and dictated by the Quran. I’m not saying that the first wife should be jumping for joy and only then her husband can engage in polygyny. Or that the first wife can dictate whether the husband can get a wife or not. That’s absolutely not what I meant. I apologize if it appeared that way.

    Yes the Quran allows polygyny. But it’s a choice. It doesn’t say that it’s the recommended or the only way to go about marriage. Monogamy is also an option. And the Prophet was a great example and teacher of how to practice both.

    Keep in mind that my post was specific to Abdullah_Pakistani and his situation.

    What I was was trying to say is that it’s important to be a kind a compassionate human being first. It’s takes great responsibility, strength and respect from all parties to be successful in such a lifestyle.

    Let’s put the topic of second marriage aside. Doesn’t the Quran also say not to cause someone pain? Not to the reason for their tears and grief? To be kind and compassionate. To consider the greater good above your own wishes. So why does this not include your wife? Shouldn’t you be all these things and much more towards your significant other? If you know that a decision of yours will destroy your wife and she won’t be able to bear it, why would you put her through that? If you know that she’ll end up suffering through your marriage (whatever her reason be for staying), shouldn’t you feel any mercy toward her? Shouldn’t your relationship with her mean something to you? If don’t care to consider her thoughts and feelings, how will you be just when you bring another wife into the mix? That’s what I meant in my earlier post.

    I’m not against polygyny, it’s in the Quran and to deny it would be a grave mistake. But I do believe that not everyone is cut out for it. If polygyny isn’t in the best interest of all parties involved – it’s probably not the best option. And a man should consider this thought before embarking on this lifestyle. That’s what my message to Abdullah_Pakistani was about.

    I know this blog focuses on women in these marriages and how they should get closer to Allah. I just wrote all this for Abdullah’s situation specifically. I want trying to take away from the message of your blog.

    All the reasons you mentioned for why Abdullah_Pakistani should not pursue the second marriage had to do with consideration of the second women mostly. Why is it so wrong to also consider the first wife’s feelings? We know what’s she’s been through yet, that can easily be placed aside. She’s just expected to suck it up, so that her husband can have a son. And while it is ultimately the husband decision to get a second wife – I think a good man would look at the collective overall picture (which includes his first wife). Thats all I was saying to Abdullah_Pakistani. He can get married to whoever and whenever he wants without any permission as he’s a man – but evaluating the impact of his decisions on his first wife, will set him apart as a good man.

    I’m glad that you’ve been so welcoming, I was a bit hesitant at writing here at first. It’s great to hear different perspectives they give a different way to look at things. Thanks ?

    And I do believe that there is something to be said for kindness. There’s a manner and logic needed to go about things. In life. If you’re a good human being and Muslim, you’ll consider your spouse before making such big life decisions.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Anabella,

    I completely understand where you’re coming from and 100% agree with you.

    Someone else’s actions can’t be controlled so there’s no point trying to do so. And yes, times like these bring is closer to Allah and help us understand our purpose in life. Insha Allah may we all continually strive to be good muslims and enter Jannah.

    Although it shouldn’t be your main purpose, marriage is an important and integral relationship in life. One shouldn’t just strive for Allah and just remain in a unfulfilling marriage because they think that’s their purpose. I think it’s okay for women to feel hurt in these situations – after all they’re in situations that they did not choose but their spouses brought upon them.
    It’s not easy or good to just remain in a marriage but turn away from your spouse in hopes that God will help you. You need to help yourself as much as you can – then leave it up to Allah. This could mean staying in the marriage or leaving it. Whatever is more reasonable for the woman.

    For those women that do choose to stay, think about why you’re staying. There could be many reasons or only one – but I think it’s important that one of those reasons includes love or respect for your spouse. Otherwise it can be a very tough and suffering life.
    You should absolutely turn to Allah and get closer to your deen in such situations.

    I’ve never been married but I grew up in a polygynous household. My father got a second wife after having 4 kids with my mother. He cheated with his other woman for years while she knew about my mom and us. We endured a terrible life by their hands. All because they were selfish and put their lust and relationship about all of us. Not only that, he’s been physically, mentally and verbally abusive to my mother all these years. He’s taken away her home and forced her into his and his second wife’s home. My siblings and I have all grown up and she now lives her life there raising his kids from his second wife and taking care of their home. My father and step-mother treat her like a maid and babysitter. He thinks it’s his right to use her as he pleases because he’s given her his name and paid for us kids. He doesn’t provide her with anything except for food – and he claims that he is her master since her provides her food and his home to live in. She endures his and the second wife’s romance in front of her face constantly. My father hasn’t had any sort of relations with my mother in years. Just the other day my father and his wife lied to my mother and went on a date as they often do. She never objects or says anything cause she believes it’s pointless. This time, she said to my father that he doesn’t need to scheme unnecessarily – they could have just told her the truth and she would’ve kept their kids as she does all day anyway. He didn’t like that – so he beat her badly in front of the second wife as he usually does. Cursing and saying terrible things about her – saying that she’s jealous of the other wife when she’s so below her. The other wife is way superior to her. Countless stories like these make up my childhood.

    I hope that my experiences and insight help you see things from a child’s perspective that grew up in polygyny.

    My mother was very young when she got married and spent her whole life being a good mother, wife and Muslim, following the same path and ideology that most of you brave women here have taken.

    But so many Year have gone by and to no avail. it’s heartbreaking to see her so lonely and sad in life. Yes, she’s gotten much close to God and thinks she’s enduring her test, but for how long? This test has taken her youth, her time, patience, years, tears and so much more. All that’s left of her is a shell of a person. Yet, she continues to hold onto her faith and remain close to Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I have to disagree with you where you stated, “Prophet Mohammed didn’t marry women because he wanted kids/sons from them. He married them to help them. And that’s another reason why all his wives chose a polygynous marriage – they needed him and knew about his other wives needing him as well. That’s why they were all okay with it too – it was the best solution for their situations”

    First, Allah selected the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives, the same as He selected all our spouses for us. The Prophet’s wives were known as the “Mother of the Believers”. Allah instructed him that he was not to exchange any of them for other wives, nor divorce them. Furthermore, Allah commanded them not to remarry after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth.

    The marriages were said to bring people/tribes/families together in Islam. It was not as you said, that they agreed to polygamy because they needed him. Allah provides. It was about Islam and worshiping Allah for all of them.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    You said that if the first wife is truly okay with polygamy then it’s okay for the husband to go ahead and take another wife. That’s as far as I’ve gotten in reading your one post. Well, are you making up your own rules? If a man waits for his first wife to accept polygamy before he goes ahead and marry another woman, then there would be no polygamy. Allah has allowed polygamy. What are you basing your beliefs on? It can’t be Islam. One really needs to be Muslim to understand that we just don’t go on theory, philosophy or what we think it should be. Islam is a way of life and it’s dictated by the Quran.

    The reason most here encouraged Abdullah_Pakistani not to go ahead with marrying the other woman was because he knows good and well that the majority of Pakistani people follow culture and not Islam. He knows that if he marries the other woman, the Pakistani people would scorn and reject her in Pakistan. Her life would have become a living hell. It was the primary reason for the discouragement. It didn’t have anything to do with his wife rejecting polygamy, as she had agreed for Adullah_Pakistani to marry the other woman although it was probably killing her inside. Another reason we discouraged the marriage was because he intended to house his wives in the same dwelling, which is unIslamic. We considered the fact that his wife lost four sons. She was trying her best to give her husband a male heir. That on top of what else I mentioned, would probably have destroyed her, physically, psychologically and emotionally.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I’m glad you didn’t find my words too harsh and understood what I meant. Just like anyone else here, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you advice and a different perspective. ?

    I read your post from 6/19/17 as you suggested and have gained so much respect for you. Not only did you step back and analyze the consequences of this decision for yourself and your wife, you also considered the sister in question. That’s the first right step. You then proceed to be understanding and unselfish regarding all parties involved. Your points were well thought out and reached the best logical conclusion.

    1.) Your wife’s not cutout for a polygynous relationship – that’s something many men miss when going about this processs. They just know and understand that it’s their right to marry again. Yes this is a fact, there’s no questioning it. But it speaks volumes of a man’s charecter and judgment when he is willing to exercise his rights regardless of whom his actions bring pain to. For example, freedom of speech is a right – but would a good person (regardless of religion) exercise this right in a situation where it’ll bring immense pain to someone they’re supposed to at least respect (if not love)? I’d also like to point out, if your first wife is heartbroken and your marriage with her will be negatively impacted by your second marriage, why go for a second marriage? You’re not going to gain an additional wife this way, you’ll just end up losing your first one. Now if the first wife is truely okay being in a polygynous marriage – then that’s great and you can expand your family by bringing another wife into it. Although not usually the case, there are times where all three parties are interested in a polygynous marriage because it’s in each of theirs best interest, so it’s works out great. Remember, polygyny is supposed to be a solution for all those involved – not a problem.

    2.) It’s very sad and painful to lose your children. Who would want to go through that – regardless of the child’s or parent’s gender. But you have to realize, these tragic experiences are more painful for your wife than they are for you. A mother’s bond with her child is the ultimate. You’re feeling devasted about this – so imagine that pain 10x – that’s what your wife feels. These children were growing inside her, they were a physical part of her. She gave birth to them and had to lose them. On top of that grief, she’s dealing with the fact that she wasn’t able to fulfill these pregnancies and it has gravely impacted her marriage. Not only did she lose her sons, she’s losing her husband too. He’s planning on getting another wife because she couldnt’ successfully give him a son. How can you overlook all the other amazing experiences with her for this one loss? All those other great times and blessings shouldn’t be outweighed by this. I can’t image what your poor wife is going through – it’s terrifying and heartbreaking. I’m sure she’s at her lowest, most insecure point and fragile point. Instead of trying to find another wife, you should’ve been her pillar of reassurance and support. It is up to Allah to bless us with kids and he has indeed blessed you. Whatever he does is for the best. Prophet Mohammed didn’t marry women because he wanted kids/sons from them. He married them to help them. And that’s another reason why all his wives chose a polygynous marriage – they needed him and knew about his other wives needing him as well. That’s why they were all okay with it too – it was the best solution for their situations. You have to understand that a child is in a man’s destiny – if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, nothing you do can make it possible.

    3.) Your idea to help the other woman find another suitor is a noble and generous one. It’s a great idea to help her out by recommending other potential suitors. Her goal is to get married to a good man – it’s doesn’t matter that it’s not you, so why not help her find someone else? During Prophet Mohammad’s time, people were so decent that even after their divorces, they were amicable and civil with their exes – unlike today where divorce is looked down upon and means war between spouses. People need to understand that just because you’re in a relationship or love someone doesn’t means that it’s the best for both of you. But that’s a topic for another time. People back then used to find and recommend potential suitors for their ex spouses! It’s best for you not to marry this woman, so if you can help her or a friend of yours out, why not introduce them? It’s the best way to go about it.

    4.) Your wife is the most deserving of your consideration and it the right way of the TAQWA. That couldn’t be any truer. The other woman means nothing to you yet and you also mean nothing to her. There is no legitimate relationship between the two of you so, this not working out doesn’t ruin either of you. Many suitors come and go in people’s lives, it’s not a big deal at all. You end up marrying whoever was in your destiny – and god has blessed you with an amazing life pattern. So be that for her as well – a partner. You can’t shove your wife’s emotions and needs aside for a potential suitor – she doesn’t deserve the heartbreak on top of everything else she’s been through. Like I said, if your first wife is destroyed by your second marriage, you’ll still only end up with one marriage as your first wife will be damaged ireerphencibly. If you truely love and respect her, how can you be okay with that? I think that deep down – a good man couldn’t be. Say you had gone through with this second marriage, I think all 3 of you would’ve ended up unhappy, not to mention your daughters. So you may or may not have gained a son – but at what expense really?

    My last piece of advice is that you should be the example of a good man for your daughters. Believe me, only loving them isn’t enough. Your character and decisions shape their opinions of marriage and men. Do you want your daughters to believe that no matter how good a person and wife she is, her husband should replace her if she can’t give birth to a son? Do you want them to think they are so easily replaceable and worthless in the eyes of a man? Would you want their future husbands to move them aside for another wife for any reason? These are all things you should consider. Teach your daughters that a man can be noble, righteous, loving and caring. That a good husband doesn’t abandon his wife emotionally or otherwise when the going gets tough. Teach them that they deserve men who will love and cherish them.

    You’re a good man, don’t lose sight of that above all else.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    Here is the link to Abdullah_Pakistani’s post that he referred to, which should answer a lot of your questions.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Anon,

    If you’d like to share about the polygamous marriage that you were in, feel free to do so when and if you are ready. It was nice of you to input. I’ll give a little feedback on some of what you’ve stated. One response will be in the form of an article.

    First, it’s important for you to know that here on this blog, we don’t focus much on what the husband does that is wrong, because we know a wife can’t change him. It seems a waste of time to DWELL on speaking about a husband’s wrongdoings. It could amount to man/husband bashing, which simply is a waste of our time here. Furthermore, it would be a waste of time because not many husbands are here to hear it and learn from it.

    Mostly, we’re a support group for the women (and men) to learn about themselves and be with people who are in the same boat – same type of situation or about to be or one day possibly will be. It’s so that like-minded people (striving to enter Jannah/Paradise) could be together, as well. Our goal is to help one another to accept our purpose in life, which is to serve and worship Allah and not try to oppose Him with our desires. Again our focus isn’t on men who engage in polygamy the wrong way etc.

    People who read here are going to hear heartbreaking stories because, as I stated, it’s a support group. It’s what the blog is for – to talk about issues that women are dealing with in polygamous marriages. I’m sure if one were to go to a regular marriage support group one would hear heartbreaking stories and those of sorrow, as well.

    I just get the feeling that you’re speaking in hope that you will let women see that they don’t have to be subject to such ill treatment and the like. Most of the women here know that. Most aren’t trying to cater to man as in husband, but learn to focus their attention on our Creator-Allah and grow nearer to Allah and away from their husband. I think it’s important that I mention it.

  • Rosa

    June 22, 2017

    Novelknot welcome

    That was a very heartfelt , eye opening post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 22, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister NovelKnot,
    Please read a small post that I wrote on 19th somewhere below and do tell me if I am doing the right thing…
    I appreciate all that you have written and find your words coming from a gentle and pure heart.
    May Allah SWA reward you and bless you more and more.

    Ameen

  • Yorlaynis

    June 22, 2017

    Gail, thanks so much for sharing your dark hole story. I like how you just took control and made a decision to not think about it but giving your self 12 hours to do so..sometimes I wake up thinking about it. I woke up yesterday and said to myself, that is it, I have to get a grip. Today I started getting angry about something he did and I said no, just remember Allah so I started repeating one of His names. Each time the thought came to mind about the situation, I would repeat Allah’s name.it seemed to work! Maybe Allah will send the help I need because He promises to help those who help themselves. Yourpost made me realize that it’s not just prayer, we have to work at it and God blessed you with the rope to pull yourself out once you stayed consistent.
    I’m going to try some of your ideas. Thanks Gail!

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    It’s okay. No problem. There was no confusion. I figured you were trying the name out to see if there would be a malfunction again. I just needed to make sure and thought it a good time to put the reminder about usernames out there for all, as well. It’s nice that you are here. 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    It’s so good to hear from you, my dear sister. Thank you for stopping in and for the lovely reminder. Yep, we only have a couple or a few days left of Ramadan. I have some sadness about it, as I’ve come to enjoy the peaceful atmosphere and the special protection that I feel during this blessed month.

    I pray all is well with you and your family. Thank you for letting us know that you’re still with us. Remember, we’re here if you feel like talking, and it doesn’t matter you sound like a broken record LOL

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Ana, sorry about that. As I explained in my email you, I posted as Anon before subscribing to your blog. Now that I follow it, my account and username will be attached to my posts. Sorry for the confusion

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Just a reminder to all, please only post using one username. Thank you!

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hello Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I’m new to this blog but you’re post stood out to me and I hope you don’t mind my input. Please don’t take my words to be harsh, I’m just giving my perspective.

    You say you love your wife and she is dear to you. Then how can you not consider her pain and feelings regarding your potential second marriage? The second wife is not even in the picture yet, but in your mind your word to her is already greater to you than your first wife’s feelings and heartbreak. What about all your vows and words to your first wife? After all these years of sticking by your side, does she not deserve any consideration?

    You say you can’t bring yourself to retract your offer and you’ll marry her no matter how much your first wife begs you not to. Does your first wife not deserve any mercy or kindness? The idea of a woman who’s not even your wife yet has influenced you to be inconsiderate of your first wife. That’s already injustice. The other woman won’t be as affected because if you let her go now, she has the potential to find another suitor. You don’t owe her anything yet and she can still make a clean break if you let her go.

    I can only imagine the pain and anguish your first wife feels. If your decision to marry again is killing her…does that not bother you?

    Yes polygamy is allowed in Islam and yes Prophet Mohammad and his wives practiced it successfully. Being so pious, even they had their moments of jealousy, doubt, unfair love, etc. But what people fail to realize is that his wives were okay with polygyny because they wanted to be with him and knew that with each wife came a revelation or reason. Bottom line is, they were willing participants in the lifestyle.

    But in these cases where the first wife does not want to partake in this, her husband should either be considerate and loyal to her (if he loves her). Or, (if he feels he can do without her) he should let her go. Don’t keep them in limbo. Husbands should not force their wives into this lifestyle. It should be a voluntary choice for her. If she’s going to have to suffer through it because she loves you, have mercy on her and spare her of this hardship. If you’re a good Muslim and a good man, how can you cause your wife such immense pain only because you want to enjoy another woman?

    And as far as your daughters go…let me share my story. Maybe it’ll help put things into perspective for you.

    I grew up in a polygynous household. My father chose to marry a second wife. I’ll spare you the years of pain, tears and agony my mother, siblings and I lived through and continue to today. But what I can tell you is that my image of my father has shattered being a daughter. Don’t get he wrong, he tried to be a great father to us, and in his mind he is. But what he never understood is that his relationships with his wives impacted us too. You can’t separate the father from the husband. After all, it’s the same man.
    His decision to marry again killed my mother and us. As a woman, I just can’t find any compassion in him when he shows me love, because I know he didn’t show any to my mother. It’s a constant struggle for me even today at 23 years old. I can’t help but resent him for being so callous in his greed for wanting a second wife. It doesn’t matter if he says that he did care about my moms feeling or not. Actions speak louder than words, and his action of taking another wife while my mother was shred to bits and pieces, shows what he thought was worth more to him.

    What men don’t realize is that when they do this to their first wives, the first wives literally die. They might stay in the marriage for various reasons, but the woman that’s she was prior to her husbands choice, literally dies. She molds into another woman after being in polygyny. And what she becomes, all depends on how gravely the situation impacts her and her ability to cope.

    So, if you’re going to go through with this and overlook your wife’s pain, heartache, etc. just know that the woman you know her as know will die. She will change into something else after this decision of yours. It’s inevitable. And what she’ll become, neither of you will know until it happens.

    If you don’t want to change the woman that she is, don’t make this decision. And if you are willing to let go of the woman she is right now, only then proceed.

  • Anon

    June 22, 2017

    Hello,

    I’ve recently come across this blog and I have to say, its been interesting. First I’ll start with saying I’m going to refer to this as polygany – as it’s just the man in multiple marriages.

    When I first read some of these posts, I was so upset and cried because everything seems to be so much tougher on women in polyganous marriages. And I have personal experience of being affected by one.

    Wives. They’re supposed to come to terms with it, endure the test, endure the punishment, become closer to Allah, not give the husband a hard time, not be insecure, not be upset by a co-wife, the list is endless. I understand that polygyny is allowed by Allah and was practiced by Prophets including Prophet Mohammad. But that’s not the point. Just because it is allowed, doesn’t mean men should just go haphazardly about it. Which is what a majority do today.

    To me, I think that it is unfair to expect all these things from wives and no responsibility be put on the husband. After all, a husband should be considerate, humble, compassionate to his existing family before he decides to bring any others into it. It’s his decision of polygany that is altering the lives around him. If he isn’t responsible and mature, how can a wife be expected to just silently endure and not even be hurt and upset? That’s just cruel.
    If a husband isn’t kind to a wife he already has, how will he be fair and just when he brings another one into the picture? Or if he secretly gets married and the second wife is aware of the first but not vice verca, that’s also unfairness right off the bat. His first wife is unaware while the husband and the second wife have a secret
    together. The bomb is eventually dropped on the first wife and she’s just expected to deal by herself? Also, a lot of the times, the first wife enters a marriage understanding and being told that it is monogamous. Where as a second wife typically enters knowing about the first wife and chooses to enter polygyny. That’s makes the status of both wives different. For one it’s a choice, for the other its not.

    I feel that a man is the biggest player in this game and the way he goes about it is the key to the game. It’s all in how he approches the wives about polygany, how he treats them, and how understanding he is of the great responsibility and maturity that’s needed for this choice of life.

    Sure we use the Quran and noble people like the Prophet and his wives to idealize polygyny but let’s be realistic. Even a perfect being like the Prophet and the Mothers of Islam had they’re problems in Polygny. How can we even consider husbands today, who are typically either average or below average to such righteousness people? The prophet’s wives had problems in polygany but it was his personality, humanity, kindness, etc. that motivated his wives to stay with him. Husbands today don’t follow much of these ways of the the prophet yet they’ll be the first to use him as a justification and example for wanting to be polygamous and having they’re wives endure it.

    Just things to think about I guess. Another perspective in the mix.

    Anway, all you women are incredibly strong and brave for bearing through this and it’s amazing that this test, punishment, or choice (depending on how it came into your life) has brought you closer to Allah. That’s the best thing, but please don’t forget that you are also a human being. You have all the same emotions, wants, and needs as your husbands. Your are as deserving of love, appreciate and a good life. It’s not your duty to always serve and sacrifice for your husband’s pleasure wants and needs. He wants more from life so he gets another wife. You’re also allowed to want a good life. You shouldn’t have to just bear and pass life by thinking it’s a test. You deserve peace and happiness. You have every right to go about in search of that as well. It may mean different things to different women (some might decide they what to stay in polygyny because they love their husband he’s a good and worthy man, or some might decide that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that they’re good and right for you). I hope you all find peace and happiness. Stay blessed, Ameen.

  • Karima

    June 22, 2017

    Salam my Dear Sisters

    Ana i am so touched by Your Last post to Azam! Sisters here are sooo wise Mashallah. Im happy to see a Brother too around. Ramadan is soon to be over….let us try n get closer to Allah if possible ( This is a REMINDER FOR ME mostly )
    Cant Thank You enough Ana for this blog.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,

    You mustn’t beat yourself up. You were in love and you trusted the man because he was kind to you and your daughter. Now your eyes are open as to what is going on in his life and that he puts his blood family and culture before anything else including you. Don’t be ashamed. We all make mistakes. One saying I state often is that we live it (life) and we learn it.

    The good news is that you’re a new Shahadah (took the oath to be Muslim). It means that all the sins that you committed before taking the oath were forgiven. You’ve got a new, fresh start in life. WOO HOO! 🙂 It should make you very happy. You’re married as well; although your husband is: I don’t even have words for what he is 🙁

    Be happy, Azam. Don’t rush to decide anything. Take time to read the Quran, even if it’s just a few ayat (verses) a day, preferably during Fajr time; make sure you offer your five daily salat prayers; pray to Allah for guidance to show you what to do and to help and protect you. Spend a lot of time talking with Allah. Take all your complaints about your husband to Allah.

    Don’t spend so much time trying to figure everything out. Look into all your different options. The ladies here have given you good suggestions. You’ll be inspired as to what to do. What’s for you will never pass you and what passes you was never for you. Take it easy…

  • LittleSecret

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,
    How are you now? I understand that you push your marriage to him even you knew that he is already married because you invested your time and love on him for 11 years. Its a long time that you have build your plans with him and he even took care of your daughter. I know he loved you, still loving you. If not, he will not marry you. Maybe he had reason on lying, maybe he doesnt want to give you up but he can’t also refuse to marry a relative. And given he can keep you both by marrying you, he did it. But he can’t provide for you now. Ask him to atleast provide you home, like as Gail said, go and ask him for mobile home. If he cant pay for your other bills, at least give you an abode. Don’t rush on making decision, take time to pray and ask Allah’s guidance on being wise. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry, think of it. If you divorce what is the benefit? If he don’t contribute much in your life that you think it’s ok to lose him, go. But you will be alone, and your daughter will be away from you, considering you are ill. It will be hard. At least having a husband, there is someone who can look after you, check for you. Maybe you need time, both parties to adjust. You’re still in the trasition stage of accepting the marriage, (for you and other wife). You have tried for 11 years, so maybe a little time to try again and fix the issues would help. And try not to be away with your daughter, she is the one you will have, when everyone leaves you.
    Keep the faith. Take care sister.

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    U were talking about a dark hole and that caught my attention.Girl I lived in that dark hole for 3 years and let me tell u it was HELL.I will never forget it…. I kid u not that hole felt as real as anything I ever felt in my life.I lived in that dark hole for at least 3 yrs.I remember thinking I will never get out of this d@mn hole.On good days I could see my husband and kids at that top of the hole and my husband would throw me a rope and when I would get almost to the top he would cut the rope or I would get tired and fall back down.Those were the days I would just look at him and think to myself and think my husband is a monster…I had random thoughts that went on like this for yrs and I remember for the first 6 months I had to keep a towel next to me because I couldn’t control my weeping.I wept like someone had died because someone did die… and that someone was me.When I found out my husband and inlaws had lied to me and used me for a greencard and my cowife was a liar as well I just couldn’t believe people like that truly existed and I had married someone like that and had a child with him.I felt like Allah/G.D HATED me! It felt like the worse punishment and I couldn’t imagine why I would be given such a horrible fate!
    I will tell u how bad I truly was.I had to make a plan and force myself to stick to it.I made a plan to cry and think about what my husband did to me.I think I started out at 12 hours but I can’t remember now but the thing was I would feel sorry fro myself 12 hours and cry but the other 12 I could not think about it… When I mastered 12 hours I would say ok I will do only 10 hours and when I mastered that I kept going down.When I got to an hour a day I said ok now when I have thoughts to feel sorry for myself I will turn them off because I had mastered to turn away from my negative thoughts.As I was going through this process something amazing happened to me.My husband and I and the kids were going someplace and all of a sudden I seen this bright light and I heard a voice say take the rope and climb out u have been set free.I took the rope climbed to the top and was out of that hole and right before me as we were driving down the road the hole was gone and I knew I had been set free from that hole and I was never going back there again! I don’t know if your dark hole is the same as mine but when u talked about a dark hole It caught my attention for sure!

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Yurlaynis,
    U hang in there your going to get through this.U seem like such a sweet lady.It might take a little time but your husband will come back around.There are alot of things u can do on your part as well like make him his favorite meals and do like picnics/snacks in the bed,watch a movie together etc.. make your time with him fun.I don’t know how long your cowife and hubby have been married but I would say as long as u are invested in your marriage try to keep him interested in you is my advice because it’s obvious your cowife is doing her best to keep him interested in her know what I mean? I’m not saying compete but don’t be to complacent either is what I am saying.

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,

    Listen don’t beat yourself up over your husband.Look it’s a good thing u came to the blog because I think it helped u to see what is really going on.Her obviously don’t want u near his wife because she and the baby is where his true loyalty is at and that’s ok because now u know.U are going to be just fine.U just need to focus on you and your daughter at this point.I am not saying to divorce him but go forward with open eyes and make your husband pay for decent housing for u and your daughter.Please think about saving to purchase land for u and your daughter as well.Don’t get to down on yourself because life is full of trials u will get through this.Don’t let your husband make u feel like less than a wife and don’t u think less of yourself.My advice is leave all the emotional stuff to the side right now and just focus on making the best life for u and your daughter that u can.If your husband is not fair with you then that is between him and Allah is the way I see it.Hang in there your going to come out of this a stronger more mature person.

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    Flower,
    I really love your responses, they’re so comforting! Yes inshallah I will continue to stay on the site to help get me thru..I love the reminders of Allah.
    Yes my husband has said how can he be in 2 places at one time. I think a man goes where he gets what he wants. My mother who was in polygamy many moons ago said you can’t take it personal. Men are this way by nature and they have no idea what we are going through. I try to be loving but due to some very difficult years we experienced, kind of broke me and I am not the same so I assume that she is sweating him and giving him attention that I sometimes have to think about giving. Not to bash men but they tend to hurt you and forget about it and don’t understand why you don’t love them the same. They get mad that you’re mad that they hurt you. ..not in all cases but in some. I feel messed up that a man can get married on top of a broken marriage which meand his new wife is his outlet while we’re left with the pain of the marriage and the new marriage. I began to think maybe this is the case for me.they don’t have baggage, pain or hurt between them so he goes where he gets the attention and sweating. I’m just rambling at this point https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • Azam

    June 21, 2017

    Thank you for your kindness.
    I did convert about 4 weeks ago, but I have read the Quran 2 times and now play it on my phone, and I am re-reading it as well. God told me I have more to offer the world as a Muslim than just being the Christian I was, so I converted that day with witness. Yes, it hurt me to find out the man a have been waiting on was actually married to someone else. I felt disgusting, like a who’re! I apologized to his wife so many times and tried to help her understand I knew nothing about her or the baby. I did tell her that he helped raise my daughter for the last 10 years. I told her just to help her understand I was not just pile of trash. Then his brother came to me with the idea of becoming the second wife and I accepted. I thought about the alternatives, and I thought this was the best thing I could do so I could make sure my child was taken care of. I also brought it up to the first wife, I asked if she would accept me, I would not take anything from her household, I could always be there for her, help her go places, help her with appointments, and the child. At first she said “I accept you” later on she said for our husband to bring me to their home and ask her if she would accept me, she said because she wants her family to know how bad they made her life…. they fought all night! Today he informed me that he did not want me to move to the town he works out, I asked him do you want me to get the divorce, he said I don’t know what our child (she’s 16). I told him I was fine before you came along, I will be fine if you want out! Then he told me told me to file the paperwork to change my last name to his last name so I will have a Muslim name. He is fine with me living 2 hours away, and putting me up in a hotel then sending me on my way!!!! But he promised the day we married I was moving to that town…..i am not making any choice until Ramadan is over. But I realized that EVERYTHING he promised me, he has with his first wife, I can not trust one word that comes out of his mouth! My heart is so broken and I am ashamed.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis.

    From your comments you seem to have your head on straight. You know and are doing the things you need to do. It just takes time sis. Two years in polygamy is not really that long, although I know it feels like a lifetime. I remember husbands and co’s 1 year anniversary I was kicking myself that it had been a whole year and I hadn’t progress further than only crying for like 10 hours a day instead of 20. I felt like I’d wasted a whole year completely obsessed with polygamy. I can tell you there was no overnight change in any of my feelings or thoughts. It was a slow process, agonisingly slow. But Alhamdulillah I got to a good place. Talking here will help a lot I think. You can get off your chest things that you’ve not be able or not wanted to tell anyone or you could write down your feelings. Sounds crazy but it really helps. I’ll guess that non of your thoughts or feelings are new to any of us, were all human after all.

    Your husband is right on one thing though, we do see things the way we want too. Funny story that happend to me. I asked husband to go somewhere with me, he said yes but it would have to be a later time since he had something to do (I never asked what) i wrongly assumed it had something to do with co, so I voiced that and basically went on a tirade of crazy. I blamed it all on her and her demands and said he wasnt being equal. He sat and listened, then told me he wasnt taking me anywhere, that she had also asked him to go someplace and when he said he can’t she blamed it on me, saying he’s showing favouritism, and now we can both be EQUALLY pissed off, lol. Moral of the story, we can be so wrong a lot of the time. Plus, it really bugs a husband when the wives blame every little thing on the other wife/wives.

    You said your husband prefers to go to your co when he is sick. Could it be that her house is quieter. It may be something as simple as him just getting some quiet rest and may have nothing to do with the co. Iv never know anyone to be all that interested in other people when they’re sick, most of the time we just want to lay down and feel sorry for ourselves, lol.

    Ahhh, yes. The dark hole. Climbing out of that dark hole builds character and helps us work on patience, not only with our situations, but also with ourselves. God willing, soon you’ll be able to notice when your heading towards it and take a few steps back. At first I could recognise it but didn’t have the strength to pull myself back, id even say to husband that im losing it again, id get serious anxiety. Your not alone sis, you’ll always have Allah who sees all and knows all and you have us to remind you of that. As long as your doing right in the religion, you wont be wrong. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    Rosa,
    thanks for taking the time to even respond and giving advice. I understand you were trying to help the best way you know how. Its really not a fun space to be in. Are you a first wife? I know that my self is the biggest battle to fight and even thought I try, i feel like i fail every time. LIke, I am fine one minute and the next IM in a dark hole. I find myself begging for forgiveness because I cant seem to get passed it and I want to so badly.
    Unfortunately I have no interest in building a relationship with her based on some things that I know and thats another thing I know that I need to get over. Like some real hypocrisy stuff. she does things that she would never have accepted from a co… I know the day will come and I am ready to confront her about some things.
    I just thought today that this is just my test and not hers. she gets what the Lord gives her and its just the way it is. I have so much work to do and its depressing sometimes. My only hope is that Allah loves when we call on Him and that it pleases Him to know that I do call on Him, want to be better, and look to Him for help. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Tunis

    June 21, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum

    I would like to thank you Rosa, Ana, Marah S, Serena, and Flower for you support and advice. Jazakallah

    Inshallah I will do better each time….thank you for the reminders and being here for me. Allah is Good !

    May HE bless us all and give us Layla til Qadr and nearness to HIM.

    I love ya sistas !

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Marah S

    If and when the time comes I think you will be well equipped to handle the situation because you’ve been on the blog reading and giving advice for so long. Maybe try not pushing your husband away too far. If he wanders in that direction on his own accord then alhamdullilaah.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Apologies if I came off too harsh or blunt. Reading your post reminded me of myself in my earlier days of polygamy I remember being stuck in that comparison mode and worried who my husband loved more. I needed someone to yoke me up so to speak lol. But I don’t want you stuck there it’s such a painful place to be. Your co sounds to be really immature and I also sense insecurity from her part like why does she have to do all that extra stuff…weird. You’re doing good by not letting her see you sweat? Do you ever approach her and try to talk out yall differences and find common ground especially since you mentioned your children she uses them. Does she have kids? If so maybe yall should find a way to put whatever aside for them. It’s crucial the kids have healthy sibling relationships in my opinion. I think Gail would agree

  • Marah S

    June 21, 2017

    Sigh, I get so sad reading about everything all you ladies are going through.

    Sometimes I wonder why I ever got married in the first place if it will ultimately lead to heart break. I inticipate the day when my turn will come, when my husband will pop the news that he’s getting remarried. Sure he loves me now, but what about in 10 years when he gets bored and I get pushed to the very bottom of his list.

    At times I envy women who remain single their whole lives and never have to deal with the stress of marriage, I live in a country where I don’t need a man to take care of me. I have a degree I can get a good job and take care of myself.

    I used to love my husband so much, he was my world we couldn’t be apart for more than a couple hours and I would’ve done anything to make him happy and keep his love. It was a beautiful thing being so in love but I was also so scared of losing him to another woman some nights I couldn’t even sleep.

    Now I find myself so guarded. I’m just focused on myself, my baby, and my afterlife. I spend most of my time learning my religion. In one year I finished memorizing half of the Quran and I feel so much peace being more detached from him emotionally, but I know he notices the change. He asked me the other day why I don’t like spending time with him anymore.

    I don’t know how to answer that question https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum
    wow, so much to respond to! I received such great advice and I appreciate it. AbdullahPakistan, thanks so much for your male input! its always nice to have male perspective on this matter.

    It will be hard for me to address what each person said but everthing was well noted. Flower I really loved reading your soft spoken post! It was really refreshing.
    Someone said men need their space and I do agree. My husband is a natural loner and prefers to be alone. I sometimes think that because he and I have been together for over 10 years, he is more comfortable with me to take rest. Meaning if he needs a break, he will take a break with me because I wont fuss. Our schedule did change when she came along, we had a very active and healthy personal relationship so the aspect of women who want more when the husband gets married again is not me. However I have seen that in other situations. One lady I know accepted whatever from her husband, including living conditions. When he remarried, all of a sudden it was abuse. But anyway, I cant remember who said it but I am not the one to fuss and I suppose the other does so she gets her way, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I do approach him about things and he says its in my mind and i only see things as I want. The thing is, if I know for a fact that he frequents her house more than mine, then why wouldnt I think she was preferred. when she is home and when she isnt. when he is sick he wants to be with her. sometimes I had no idea he didnt go to work because he was at her house sick. He told me once how he turned back around because he felt ill that day, but it wasnt my house even though he came from my night. I am just stating facts and I wanted to just try once again to accept things as they are, as Allah has them. I am tired of myself always feelign down about it or at times being obsessed with the fact that he prefers her more. Im just at a point where I want to move on. I fear angering Allah by being so consumed with human and not Him. So I try but I wanted to just express myself and get feed back. The struggle is real.
    Gail, you are so funny. I always enjoy reading your responses. I do ignore her tactics and she likes to go through my kids and say things to people she knows I talk to. Sometimes it does get on my nerves but I dont want her to know she got to me so I never strike back as people say I should. I think its petty and ridiculous. I feel too old for that and while she seems to like to compete and let me know hes her husband, I dont have an interest. I just wanted to get a different perspective on it. Someone mentioned she must be insecure, and maybe she is.
    Ana, thanks for your input.You are so right about test from Allah. How it wouldnt be a test if it wasnt hard. I guess
    Allah is testing me with my weakness, what hurts the most. I guess He is telling me something. He knows I really do try hard. I am always praying to Him and I ask Him to please help me in ths test that He put me through and to help me accept it. Its easy to say but hard to do. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif
    Again thanks everyone! Please make dua for me, especially when for those who is breaking fast to remember me when you do.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis
    About the schedule. Sometime we think that a husband is only ever trying to appease the other wife/wives. Often he’s trying to make things easy for himself, polygamy is hard work so i dont blame them. It may be that he says youve given up your nights when u are away because messing with a schedule causes a lot if problems in all households. It would probably take more brain effort and unwelcome responses than he wants. Iv noticed my husband HATES thinking about making up nights, and altering the schedule. If both wives are relatively happy, he doesn’t want to mess it up. Even if one wife is happy and he knows if he changes something she’s going to lose her mind, he’d rather not. Remember no man likes to be around an angry woman. It’s for his benefit really.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Assalam alaykum. Welcome to 411. All the sisters have given you some great advice. The honeymoon period lasts in till the couple have to start working on the marriage instead of it just flowing easily without much effort, because in the beginning the couple are usually very merciful and easy going.

    I assume you’ve been married for a good few years and in that time I’m sure you’ve had periods of lots of intimacy, not much intimacy happiness, sadness, times when you don’t want to be apart and time when the further away the spouse is the better lol. Your co’s marriage will be no different. All marriages have their fun easy times and no so fun, easy times. It’s part of marriage.

    About him stepping on the floor. I know a couple where the husband always sleeps on the floor due to back problems, they have young children so I assume they are intimate. Sometimes a marriage can get to the point where both party’s are so comfortable and secure that they don’t need to be in each other’s pockets anymore. The marriage is established, they’ve no intention of leaving each other and they just get on with life.

    I used to think that husband would do anything to stop my co from complaining and making accusations about him being unfair. I brought it to his attention and he told me if I wanted more from him then I need to ask and let him know and of he can fix a problem he will God willing. When I heard that I concluded that I just complain less, so he thinks everything’s good, and carries on. Religiously complaining less is a good thing, so I didn’t mind that, that’s what Allah willed me to be like. It’s much better to act right religiously that it is to get your own way and nag all the time, husbands get real tired of that.

    I noticed with myself and a few other women that the wife who wants/needs to be the favourite is insecure in her marriage, to a wife being the favourite means if he has to chose, he choses her. But don’t have to chose between one or the other, that’s the beauty in polygamy. He wants to be polygamous, he can’t do that with only one wife. Even if a wife knows she is favoured it still brings the question “if I’m so favoured why does he want another one” it why we need to leave the favourite issues alone and get on with enjoying our husband/marriage.

    I really liked Rosa advice to you, to grab a pillow and join him on the floor. I’ll add that the next time you are intimate try something new (sexy underwear, different position etc) it excites men to get something they never bargained for. Even if he does feel guilty (as Ana mentioned) men’s desire for a woman who given him the ‘good good’ will overcome that.

    There is a chance that your husband doesn’t know details of his other marriage effects you negatively, maybe you could just let him know your still dealing and he could try and call it down a bit. Also, whatever platform is being used by the other wife to rub details in your face, stay away from it. She must be hurting and more than likely insecure to need to put it out there like that. Remember she will want to establish her position as wife, it’s normal and God willing, she get to place where she doesn’t need to do that anymore.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 21, 2017

    One more thing I forgot to mention is that Allah SWA has made Men and women different. We can have climax almost every time and we peak much early and stay there for quite some years while a woman climaxes less often and peaks in her thirties much latter than men so your want for intimacy will grow over the years and that of your spouse my be receding .. you got to discuss this with him and tune him up so he is good for service at a time where your requirement is increasing and please know there is no shame in it …
    My dear wife miss informed me and we lost a full decade acting on assumptions, half truths and some plain lies … stupid woman this wife of mine … long story I will tell some other time …

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 21, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Yurlaynis,
    I read you post today and wanted to suggest a few things.
    1- No matter who gets married first the condition for equality becomes valid the instant there is more than one wife, there is no honey moon period where the husband is allowed to violate this pledge of equality.
    This pledge of equality or being just comes into effect when he takes up a second wife. This pledge is between the husband and Allah SWA Who has explicitly and clearly stipulated in the Quran that if you marry more than one be just and if you can not be just it is better (for your Deen Dunya and Akira) to have only one.
    SO TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO BE JUST
    2- Secondly spending nights is also about sex, what nights is this husband of yours giving you by sleeping on the floor! He might just as well be sleeping in Timbucktoo.. tell him to consult a Sheikh as to what sharing nights mean ..and fear Allah SWA, who is he fooling?? !!!
    3- Allah SWA has made polygamy halal as it comes naturally to men who can please and satisfy more than one wife at the same time. When my wife asked what will be the schedule I said I will give one the mornings and one the nights meaning both will get some action on daily basis … it is not impossible it is something you can achieve with a healthy life style and diet..
    During this Ramadan after Isha or Iftar I started going to my wife .. with out missing a single day, right from the first ramazan, no matter how tired I would feel, it was more relaxing than resting and you know what happened ? She got her biological clock changed and got her periods ten days early leaving me in a lurch in the last Ashara of Ramazan.
    4- You got to be absolutely honest about your feeling with your husband there has to be not hijjab between the two of you. Tell him when he married this new wife. Your share went from 100% to 50% and second wife went from 0% to 50%, you deserve to be consoled for losing a half of what you were blessed with and this new wife should be thankful for being blessed with a husband ..so tell him to be just to you more and you deserve his kindness more since he has taken from you and given it to this new lady and still he is such a nincompoop that he feels he should be more sensitive about this new lady..
    I pray you are able to make him realize of his shortcomings as a polygamous husband and suggest to him some good aphrodisiac …

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    I like that everyone shares their view as there is so much for us all to learn from one another. The blog is a wonderful place. I pray Allah is well pleased with us.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    What you’ve said makes sense sis thanks for shedding light on another perspective

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    I think sharing a husband tends to bring out the worse in wives, regardless of what order they married in. There’s a lot to it. The problems are real with regard to the wives competing and being rivals.

    For instance, a wife may all of a sudden want more intimacy with her husband now that he has married another woman. It’s doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It could make her marriage better. It’s just important that she realizes what has taken place and why she’s acting as she is. She can’t expect that all of a sudden her husband is going to be all into her now while he’s getting all into another woman who has just become his wife. Yet, there are men who can do it, but there are some who can’t. The husband may have to step up his game and satisfy both women when he thought he’d only have to satisfy the new comer as the other was okay with her life as it was. No one knows what to expect when the variables change. It includes the husband. What’s most important is that wives self-analyze about what they are doing and why.

    I think Azam just got caught up out there with a manipulative, oppressive, liar. He strung her along. I could understand that she was terribly hurt when she learned the husband had married another woman after she waited all those years for him. I could see why she wanted to marry him after learning about the marriage, as well. He had no excuse not to marry her, if he just married the other and could have two or more wives. He married her, but didn’t treat her as a wife. Nonetheless, it was written for her that her life would be as it was. Now, it time for her to wake up and try to get her life in order, so that she could move on.

    We know that no one has an ideal life. We do know that Allah created everything in perfect proportion.

    Now, it’s time for us to give Azam the support she needs because for us to dwell on what has happened in the past won’t help her. She erred and we all err. She got beat on by all of us here with our comments, but now it’s time for us to lighten up and try to help her. I don’t know if she’s Muslim or not. Insha Allah, she’s asked Allah to forgive her for all the wrong she’s done. We know that she seems remorseful. Insha Allah, she repented to Allah and He has forgiven her.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Just like in Azam’s situation but reversed because she’s a second wife. It seems her and her now husband were having all types of issues throughout their 11 years but as soon as she finds out he’s married all of a sudden the conis being selfish, life isn’t fair and it’s all her fault

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Gail you have me dying laughing at your suggestions one wife should do if the other is getting on her nerves lol. I would have so contemplated doing that in my earlier days and probably carried it out, Praise to Allah He saved me the embarrassment

    I’m curious about yurlaynis after reading your post sis ana I’m wondering if her and her husband were getting busy like bunnies before he took on a second wife. Now that he has another wife it’s a big deal. As a muslima who didn’t marry first I hear all too often how couples have issues just as any other marriage would but as soon as the husband marries again all the issues suddenly originate from the co like bruh

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    About the schedule, it’s all relative. It’s the beauty of Islam. Islam is not a rigid way of life. In polygamy, the people involved in the marriage(s) make the schedule that suits them. There is no set way for it to be. They all need to agree. If they can’t agree then the husband does what he believes is right or what he’s inspired to do. He may be inspired to do wrong and he does it. If the husband does wrong, he’ll account to Allah for it. Allah is a Just God. He sees and knows all things.

    What did you, your husband and the other wife agree that your schedule would be? If it were me, and I didn’t get along with the other wife, I think the schedule would go something like this:

    If it’s a wife’s turn and she can’t be there for her night(s), then she forfeit her night(s). The schedule continues even if the wife isn’t there to see the husband. So, in your case, if you go on a trip, and the time that you are away falls on your night(s) then you’d lose those night(s). When you return, if it is on HER regularly scheduled night(s), she would still get her nights. It’s so the schedule won’t be dependent on one wife or the others personal schedule.

    Now, if the husband goes on a trip without any of his wives, then the schedule stops while he is away. It continues where he left off when he returns. No wife loses any time with him.

    So, the way, I’d work it would mean that your husband was right that the nights that he was at your house counted as your nights. ALTHOUGH, I doubt that he was at your house while you were away. Did you call him on the landline and he answered? I dunno. I can’t see how he’d be alone at your house while you were away, if he can’t keep away from his other wife when you are there. He should love it when you are gone so that he has extra time with her. He may be the type of man who needs some alone time and did sleep at your home without you being there, but I tend to doubt it based on what you’ve stated.

    There is a method to the madness. Is what you’re going through a test? It wouldn’t be a test, if all was going the way you want it to, now would it? Tests entails things that we don’t like.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    I think women who married first tend to be all over and on top of their husbands when he takes on another wife, because they become not only competitive, but don’t want to be missing out on anything. With regard to the wife who married first, maybe she didn’t care before whether they were intimate or not, but as soon as he takes on another wife, she wants to make sure she’s getting her fair share of the action too. The husband probably never counted on that. He was just looking forward to a new chapter in his life with another woman.

    Women who married first need to realize that a husband is going to take a strong interest in the one who has just become his wife. They are newlyweds. It’s what newlyweds tend to do.

    It apparent that your husband’s newly wedded wife is having some jealousy and envy issues too, which is probably why he won’t go out with you and be seen with you so not to upset her. Gail explained all too well how the game playing goes.

    It’s easy to tell someone to ignore it, but it’s the most difficult thing to do. I recommend that you re-read “Rosa’s” post as all of it is good to follow.

    You ask if it’s okay that he give you sex only two or three time a month. No one can answer that. Sexual intimacy is personal and no one can say what “normal” is or how much or less spouses should engage in it. It’s whatever is best for the spouses, what they like and what they want. Some spouses are opposites in libido. Maybe one wants more intimacy and the other wants less. I believe that Allah swt determines when and how much intimacy spouses have the same as He controls everything in the universe.

    About your husband sleeping on the floor, I’ve heard of people sleeping on the floor because they have back problems or whatever and it makes their backs feel better. I don’t have any back problem or any problem that warrants me sleeping on the floor, nonetheless, I like lying on the floor. It makes me feel grounded. I lie on the floor in my Masala sometimes and am quite comfortable there and, don’t want to get up.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome 🙂

    It’s nice you are hear, and I’m happy to hear you’ve been reading along for some time now. Furthermore, it’s nice that you’ve met some of our fabulous commentators who have given you some very good advice.

    I’ll give you some of my thoughts on some of what you’ve written, as well. Your husband could still be in the honeymoon stages of the marriage. I’m sure the time of the honeymoon phase varies depending on the persons involved. If your husband is telling you that he still loves you, and no one else can replace you, there may be no reason not to believe him.

    You said his actions don’t show it. Well, a divorce would. Would you rather have that? He could very well be head over hills in love with his other wife, feel he doesn’t want to spend not one moment without her and divorce you, so that he could be with his true love. It hasn’t happen, so maybe he is being honest with you. He loves you and wants you in his life.

    Now, about the sexual part and him sleeping on the floor, you really don’t know what is going on with him with regard to that. She could have made him promise her that he won’t sex you up. He could be over there even on your days having sex with her. It would explain why he’d sleep on the floor oppose to in bed with you. Although he could still go ahead and have sex with you, he may feel guilty about it – guilty because he may feel he’ll betray her if he sexes you up or guilty that he’s giving you sloppy seconds. I dunno. Maybe he think he’ll have a performance problem because he feels pressured to have sex with you, but he’s gotten it from her. I’m just guessing here. Have you asked him what is going on in his head, both of them LOL. Sorry, if I’ve offended anyone’s sensibility.

  • Lost Soul

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,
    One more thing, you are talking about unfairness..

    Has been unfair to you? Hell YES!! But he has been unfair to you for 11 years!!

    Seems weird to me that you didn’t mind hanging on till then. That’s all on you. You should have walked out then! Why now talk of divorce?

    Then after you found out that he got married to your co, within a month or two, you got married to him and suddenly money wasn’t an deterrent anymore.
    Who was unfair to whom then?
    Did he have the decency to inform the co? Even now Its still kept as a secret from her..

    So you see where I am headed here? You were placing blame on your co when its your hubby at fault and to a certain extent, you at fault.

    You were willing to take any crap and lies and excuses he was throwing your way, but now suddenly you feel this is unfair and that is unfair because you found out he is married to her!

    Rasila

    YOU STRONG WOMAN YOU!! Head up and keep pushing on woman. Think of this way..whatever the experience with him, you got the most wonderful gift out of it.. your child.. And it’s totally his loss!

    I always think that no matter how shitty my marriage is right now and with things headed so wrong and no matter how much hurt I feel EVERY SINGLE second and whether ALLAH decreed for me and my husband to remain together or not.. I have my child in my life Alhamdulillah.

    Stay strong and good luck on your future. He sounds like a big loser anyway and I think and hope you have a much better future without him around!

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,
    I honestly am left speechless at what is going on with u and your life.It honestly sounds like you have hit rock bottom and I am really sorry to know this.How on earth did u and your daughter end up living in a Hotel room? I also can’t understand how your husband could let u and your daughter live like vagrants for lack of a better word.
    Listen I would personally never tell anyone to get a divorce but I would tell u and am telling u if he is not going to step up and help u then leave him alone until u get on your feet.U are in a serious situation here and your love life needs to take a backseat sense it seems u are about to loose your daughter over this man and his drama.I am not blaming him totally because u had a role to play in this mess.Do u work? Does your daughter work?I think u said u have a car and he pays for that at the moment it I am correct? I know it is easier said than done but u have got to start saving to buy some cheap property.Do u get Social Security?IF u do then u might think to purchase a van to live out of for a short time until u can save up enough money.I don’t care how u have to do it but start baby stepping your way to a more secure life for u and your daughter.I mention a van only because u can save money and have a roof over your head.In your case it would be the most logical choice.It’s summer right now so if u have to sleep in a tent then do it and get a van before winter.I don’t know I feel sick knowing that your husband sees u struggling and he is not willing to step up for u it speaks volumes about his personality.I honestly think u are giving the guy way to much credit.
    If he says he is going to move u closer to him then by all means LET HIM but make him pay for your housing and bills so u can save money and buy some cheap land and mobile home.Lord I will tell u how to do it if u don’t know but don’t sit and just do nothing.Also your daughter is old enough to work part time I would put her to work part time so u guys can save more money if she doesn’t already have a job.Sorry my head is spinning with what u posted.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    I can only tell u what I been through and sadly everything u are going through is basically a normal part of Polygamy life.
    OK as far your cowife being petty and that is exactly what she is doing…She is just trying to get under your skin and let u know she has the power and control.I and my cowife been there and done that and it is about as silly and petty as woman can get to be frank.Seriously if only they had plays on Polygamy where one wife is being petty to another wife all Polygamous wives would be there with a big bowl of popcorn watching the show and laughing and saying hey thats my crazy lunatic cowife or hey that use to be meee!! and just laugh and snort like pig all the way through!!
    So yeah everyone goes through the nonsense at one time or the other but u just have to figure out how u want to handle it.Alot of wives Esp up front will figure out the cowife is trying to mess with her emotions and they normally do it in a way that is subtle so they look innocent to the husband and the other wife is NUTS! But women are smart and we catch on quick to Miss Suzy HOTPANTS in most cases.
    My advice to u is ignore your cowife because all she is doing is trying to make u jealous and angry so u will fight or eventually u and hubby will divorce understand.Don’t let her play mind games with your marriage.
    Now with your husband sleeping on the floor I guess we can all pretty much assume he is trying to not be near u and making excuses.If u want to see if this is the case then go on the floor and lay beside him.If he pulls away then u have a choice to either confront him why he is not giving u intimacy or ignore it the choice is yours.I personally would force him if I needed Sexual relation to be blunt but thats just me and my personality.There is NO SHAME IN MY GAME as I always say! If your cowife gets on your nerves to much and u need to get her to back off then just pucker up and kiss your hubby and start snapping pics and send her a little gift from u to her blowing her a kiss in one hand and middle finger with the other.I always say two can play that game sister.I guess what I am saying is laugh at her silliness and be just as stupid right back to her or ignore her both are fine things to do in my opinion.As far as hubby u got to tell him straight u understand he is going through some honeymoon phase but u personally could careless and he needs to get his butt up off that floor and start ponying up!And as for missed days I don’t know if I believe he is at your home alone.Again I personally wouldn’t go for that but Ana might because she is a strict schedule person.If i were u I would check him and tell him u are not going to be home on one of his nights and come in later and see if his back has made a miraculous recovery and sleeping on your bed with miss Thanggg or if he is even there at all!
    In your case right now as much as I see it your cowife is not your problem as much as your husband is.Hey by the way welcome to the blog!

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,

    U just type to your little hearts content chickyyy! We all have been there in one way shape or form and we know how much it helps just knowing u are not alone and with like minded people.
    As far as your Pakistani husband is concerned him and his family are worthless for you.I understand now why his mother freaked out because your husbands other wife is your MIL niece and she knows she is going to have to eat alot of crow on this one.
    Your husband always knew he would be put in an Arranged marriage they all know and that is the really disgusting part because they prey on innocent females that don’t know their culture and use them for sex,greencards,secret wives….u name it.It’s disgusting because they hide behind their adorable charms and sweet smiles etc.. I will give it to Pakistani Guys they get an A+ when it comes to charming the ladies.Eventually though all that charm turns into a BIG FAT TOAD!!! The become extremely arrogant,selfish and a number one A..HOLE! Right now your selfish husband is playing yes massser to his mammyyy and MIL and other wife until the heat wears off his sorry good for nothing BUTT!
    Now see in this situation your cowife has the upper hand because she her MIL is her Auntie understand? She can cry and scream all she wants and so can her mother and believe u me they are going to milk this all they can esp… sense u have a son with him.U got to stay with the blog I am dying to know how your situation is going to play out sense u have a child and esp a son.Let me ask u is your son his first child or does he have other children by the other wife?
    I think what your husband has done to you is disgusting and if u can control yourself when and if he comes back sniffing back around your better off because he is worthless to you and your son.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Little Secret,
    That’s so sweet u were inspired by Adam to get a flying remote control Helicopter that’s to cute!

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Another thing, if it’s about not getting enough sex you better set up shop on the floor right next to him and get what’s yours.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Lol sis ana

    Didn’t mean for all that to go down. InshaAllah things will be up n running soon

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the fact your husband goes to your house when you’re not home and says he gave you your night although you were not physically there I’m sorry I just never heard such ludicrous before

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis welcome

    A polygamous husband will always have a favourite and it’s okay but he shouldn’t intentionally make it obvious. Allah places the love in the hearts, they have no control over it. As painful as it may be, you have to get yourself to a place where you are not bothered by it. So what he’s more inclined to his other wife. You should be focused on Allah and being in the good graces of your Creator. Running after your husband will only turn him further away from you. Take that energy and direct it to worshipping Allah and in return your husband may start to love you even more. Be grateful you have a husband. Take the cards you were dealt and make the best of it. There will always be some imperfection in our lives. Some have the white picket fence, the career the husband but want kids but can’t have them. Some have all those things but the children may not be obedient to their parents. I’m saying this to say, count your blessings. Allah can take your husband from you tomorrow then what’s it going to matter who he loved more. Not trying to offend but I know what it’s like to have those feelings. Sometimes you have to rip off the band aide

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Rosa,

    I like your idea about the Pakistani post. I was trying to put a link up for it on the sidebar, but I ran into technical difficulties that wiped out my book video, the security badge and an image at the bottom of the site. I’ve summoned help from technicians, so I’m looking at a couple of days at minimum in getting things back up to speed. LOL SMH

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Azam

    Why marry the guy then seek a divorce a month later. You knew what he was about. Lying to you every chance he got. Have you ever spoken to your cowife to be certain she knows because everything you’re saying is from what your husband told you which is she asked about your cancer, she found texts on his phone, threatened him in the middle of the night etc but he is a professional liar. I still don’t understand what made you up and marry him two months after you found out he was married when yall had 11 years. What changed in two months if it wasn’t you finding out about your now cowife. It’s just not adding up. Your story gets more and more confusing. You need to cut your losses with this dude.

  • Yurlaynis

    June 20, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum
    I have been reading this site for some time now but have never posted. I really like the sister hood and finally decided that maybe Allah will help me find a source of help on here. I am a first wife and my husband took another wife about 2 years ago and I specifically came on here to ask every ones opinion on the honey moon stage of marriage, as most of know for first wives, it is one of the most difficult times for us. I dont have much experience with it but it still seems like my husband is in the honeymoon stage. He tells me that no one can ever replace me or take my place, how I should be confident in my place but his actions are different. Even on my nights, when he comes home from work, he goes to her house first. sometimes even showering and dressing before coming to mine. He also doenst care if i see them together or mention her name but he tries to avoid her seeing us togehter at any cost. Its like he hides me from her but doesnt care about his relationship being in my face. I also think she is careless when it comes to me and does nothing to guard my feelings. she does things so that i can see it and even though I understand her marriage isnt a secret, I feel that some things just arent necessary and she does it to remind me that my husband is her husband too. I already know that he is and no need to rub it in my face. Anyway, some days are ok but recently it has been kinda difficult for me. I mean, I feel like he definitely prefers her company over mine, would rather be with her than me and it makes me feel down. I always try to keep myself pretty, he always tells me how beautiful I am but walks right out and goes to her house. Its just weird. I dont wish him to be unfair to her but is it possible for a man to make both his wives feel loved and cared for? Its like he wants me to believe what he says but his actions are the opposite. How can I believe him? I just wondered if he was still in the honeymoon stages or did she just end up being the favorite and im just old news? I totally feel like a mat. Another thing is he started sleeping on the floor. I asked him why and he claims his body hurts. Weeks has gone by since he hasnt been with me. It makes me think that all his energy is saved for his other wife and gives me 2 or three times a month. Is this ok? I know a man doesnt have to be fair in his passion but does that mean to neglect one? I can totally be wrong that she is the only one getting and just assuming but he seems to go out of his way to make sure she doesnt complain that he is unfair, make sure she is secure and happy. He has always mentioned that he doesnt want to be unfair to her. One other thing that bothers me is when I am away on a trip, he goes to my house when I am not there and says those are my nights so when I return, he goes to her house because he said he gave me nights even though I wasnt home. Is that ok in Islam? I am asking because sometimes I think that I am in denial about her being his preferred wife and I am having a hard time accepting it. I ask Allah to help me to accept it but it is so hard.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    My thoughts are that you should put things in their proper perspective. If I remember correctly, in your previous posts, you said that besides him paying your car payment, his family helps to pay your bills and for medication etc. It would be foolish for you just to up and have your daughter live with her biological father, for instance, tomorrow, and you go live on the streets or in a tent or a shelter or some place like it.

    Why not continue to stay there and keep things as they are WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, look into what you could do to move forward in your life without your husband. You could look into what you need to do to obtain a divorce, as well. There is no need for you to rush into anything especially take to the streets. Come on!

    Be smart. Do your research. Find out what resources are available to you. You’ve been with the man for eleven years and he is now your husband. He’s not beating you or anything of that nature, is he? If he is not abusing you, then there is no need for you to make a knee jerk decisions now. Be patient. I can’t remember if you’re Muslim or not. Be patient.

    I know you are feeling down and upset about all that you’ve been through and are learning. Don’t be hard on yourself. It is what it is and couldn’t have been any other way. We live it (life) and we learn it. Learn from what has happen and grow from it. It’s all good.

    Be grateful to our creator that you are cancer free. Don’t stress, as it will be detrimental to your health. You said that since you’re been cancer free you feel different. Perhaps, it’s a new beginning for you. {{{hugs}}}

  • Lost Soul

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    Why would you be homeless? He wasn’t taking care of you financially in any case, accept for the car payments as you mentioned.

    If you get a divorce, you will be in the same place financially, except without a lying husband. Being with someone for 11 years and then having to leave is not easy for sure! It hurts yeah!

    But when he married your co without telling you, even after being with you for 11 years.. that should have been you UH OH moment!

    His approach to divorce seems to be the same for you and the co.

    He will not give either of you a divorce, he expects you both to apply for the divorce instead.

  • Marah S

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    If he’s not paying any of your bills except for the car, why would divorcing him automatically mean you being homeless?

  • LittleSecret

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,
    My heart break upon reading your post. Really really sad about it, and i can see how you are trying for your kid. I understand you to that when you were at some point in your life that you are low, he came in and bring hope and joy, and new excitement and something to look forward to. And you got attached too much that even becoming a secret second wife is your option to be with the man. I’ve been in that place too sister. It is very sad that he can’t stand for you even you have a child with him and that didnt even changed his mind to stand up and be a man for your family. I dont understand it too, that his family couldnt just accept the child, its their blood, their flesh, their family, but couldn’t accept because society set the standard and they dont want to be out of that standard.
    Yes, he just proved his family to believe that second marriage is a chaos instead of proving them that it could be successful.

    My tears fell upon reading that your son have to just wait on the parking with the nanny. And also you going to work and have to think about them always because you’re suppose to be partner is a coward, thinking first of his self and setting aside the well-being of his son.

    I am also in Middle East. Good that your mother is with you cause you really need support and specially that you just gave birth, you are emotionally unstable so just think about your baby, forget about your husband. I believe in all the hardships and heartaches you are experiencing now, God/Allah will soon give you too much happiness and blessings and will cover up all your pain, you just have to endure and trust in Him.
    Always take care, you are in my prayers. God bless you.

  • LittleSecret

    June 20, 2017

    Gail,
    Got inspired by your son Adam about some flying thing, so I bought a helicopter toy yesterday and tried it today. ? Very awesome. But the thing is I cant control well, and in my mind was “oh my, certainly the young man is thousand times better than me”. ? It was fun playing though.
    Hope him to excel and become a sucessful pilot someday.

  • Azam

    June 20, 2017

    I never said in any post it was his cousin. After reading all of the posts, and how unequal he is to me. I am really thinking about divorcing him. Just move on like I should have many years ago. This is not fare to his first wife, but there is 11 years worth of unfairness on my behalf! I wish it could be different, but someone stated on her that he had to know that at some point in his life his fate was already determined by his parents…. I never post pictures about anything with my life him especially the child.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Rosa,

    It’s an excellent suggestion you made to Abudullah_Pakistani and his wife, that they look into the genetic counseling that Gail suggested. In the meantime, his wife can give her body a chance to fully heal and she can become stronger psychologically. After all, she has suffered tremendous loss. Furthermore, I’m sure she went through a thing trying to cope with the thoughts that her husband may become polygamous.

    The news that Abdullah-Pakistani has delayed his plans to marry again must be such a relief for her, such a burden lifted.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Sis ana I was thinking it may be a good idea to revise the beware of Pakistani men thread because it always seems like the topic of discussion and quite relevant yet you have to dig eep into the blog to find it. Those who are just skimming through the blog may not find it. Just a thought

    May Allah allow us all to gain maximum blessings during these last few days of Ramadan

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani in the meantime why don’t you look into that genetic counselling Gail spoke of. Maybe you and your wife can try again in a few years if she wants a son as much as you do. Best of luck

  • Rasila

    June 20, 2017

    Ladies,

    Many thanks for the words of encouragement. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I get the support from people like you 🙂
    I happen to be born and brought up in the west with an Arab and Muslim heritage. I knew very little about the Pakistan, Pakistani and the culture.
    My husband is an educated person, so is his father. I honestly never expected to be stuck in such a drama.
    He was amazing. Such an amazing Muslim. I really looked up to him.
    When I got married to him I sincerely thought that this man is all I need to strengthen my faith. He knew a lot about religion and he would always quote ahadith and Quran.
    When he proposed to me and said he was it the type to mess around and he has had no relationship except the marriage he was in. I thought to myself : “is that possible? Has Allah answered my prayers?”
    I wasn’t the religious type, but I met him at a time where I was questioning myself about our existence and our Creator. I fell for him. And I fell hard.
    The problem is after we got married he wasn’t able to manage.
    hiw can a man be fair to 2 wives when one of them is deprived from the basics of recognition?? He would never take you out… cause you are hidden. He would not .

    It is hard at times. When I look Into the eyes of my baby boy and think. Are these people even human (forget about being Muslim)…
    how can they ignore the existence of this innocent creature? How can his mother and sisters know about his son and treat him like he is an illegitimate child.
    Hmmm I was fooled about his religious background. I should have known and realized earlier. If his parents were against it and he decided to hide it, it meant in a way that he supported their jaheel idea/culture.

    He used to say : “my parents don’t believe in second marriage because they have not seen it is a successful practice and all second marriage fail”..
    Well he gave his mother what she always believed.

    My mother has been staying with me. She looks after my boy while I am working. We live in the Middle East. She flew in so I could make a living.
    This heartless man has not spent a penny on us since January.
    Rent, expenses, food, diapers, medical expenses… etc etc Are all on me.
    Before my mother came I used to hire a cleaning lady to stay with my son while he was asleep in my car. They would both stay in the parking of my office. When my baby woke up and cried for milk, she would call me, I would come down breastfeed him and go back to work after he fell asleep…
    Where was he??? Where is the religious man now?? It was all bullsh!t…

    My analysis?
    This man was controlled his entire life by a dominating ignorant woman.
    She told him where he was going to study, she forced him to take the family business, she forced him to marry the the daughter of her sister. So I was The only “thing” he chose in his life. But even that he couldn’t stand for it. Once she knew. He forgot me and listened to her.

    I am sorry for the long post. But it just relieves me.
    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani should feel so good about himself and his intent to delay fulfilling his desire to become polygamous, if he’s making the sacrifice in an effort to seek the good pleasure of Allah and for the benefit of his own soul – how beautiful! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Some of the comments/posts had gotten displayed in the wrong order. It’s now been corrected.

  • Azam

    June 20, 2017

    His wife has known all about me for 2 years. She found text messages on his phone the first day she got her and once she got here, the dad didn’t like her, thought he could blackmail both of his sons for $20,000 by telling her everything about me and that we were still seeing each other (I had no clue about her, I live 2 hours, and always stayed in a hotel) yes, it is hard to trust the words that come out of my husband’s mouth, I pray about that daily. Once the first wife told me “Ok, I will accept you as a second wife ” I was so happy, I thought that meant she understood my situation. However, she woke him up in the middle of the night and said she would take the baby if he married me…. it was rough for a few days. She does not know we are married, some of his family knows and friends from back home. I actually do think about his wife and her feelings all the time, it makes him mad. This has made me realize if he lies so good to me, what does he say to her, I know she knows he communicates with me, other wise she wouldn’t ask him about my cancer situation. I secretly get on an app she added me on just she if reaches out to me but nothing. As far as why didn’t his parents just let us get married… 2 reasons, money and I was not from Pakistan!! Sounds crazy that now they are happy I didn’t just walk away, instead I married him. However, I understand things have to be equal except “matters of the heart” and I know for a fact I am the one worrying about my bills, only spending a few hours once a week with him… never over night! Yes, I have already spoke to him about getting a divorce and just moving on the best way I can. I recently spoke with my daughter’s biological father and she can live with him because she will be in 11th grade. I am going to be homeless, if you call living in a tent homeless. I might be cancer free, but it changed something inside of me and the same day I find out the cancer is gone, is the same day I find out he is married! The whole situation has made second guess myself worth. He told me if I want a divorceI have to go get it, he won’t give me one.

  • Marah S

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani

    I think you’ve made a really really wise decision. If you let something go for the sake of Allah, then hopefully you will be rewarded with something better.

    Inshallah in the future if your financial and family circumstances change polygamy can still be an option. But I hope in the meantime Allah blesses your family with everything that is good for them in this life and the hereafter.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Gail,

    I’m with you; I’m so very proud of Rasila, as well. It’s awesome how she stood up to her husband and his family and demanded respect and to be known. Insha Allah, she won’t go back to him and she’ll move on to a better life.

    I really like your post a lot. You paint a most valuable picture of how the people and culture is in Pakistan with your invaluable words on the topic. Alhumdulliah! I call you an expert in the field.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    You have spoken truth sis ana. It just gets frustrating sometimes especially after reading rasila’s post

    Rasila
    So very sorry you are a victim of one of the many many manipulative, conniving, dishonest Pakistani men swerming around out there for fresh meat. May Allah make things easy for you and your infant child. Truly heartbreaking reading your posts

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    It’s a battle way bigger than we can fight. I mean it’s way over our heads. Were talking mega years of learned culture/traditions.

    The best we could do is be here for the people who come here for help. Additionally, we have info out there on the web for those searching for information on topics here. We can let them know certain things that are said to be Islam or believed to be Islam is not. Islam is not about Nationalism or hording wealth in families, lying to achieve what one wants and a host of other things that we read about here. We could forewarn people that there are those out there who call themselves Muslims who will lie, connive, take advantage of and bamboozle others. It’s the best that we could do with regard to that.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Ana,
    To u and me it seems so easy for a woman to tell a man how the cow eats the cabbage very easily and if the man don’t like it he can sure lump it!But in Pakistan it’s not done that way normally because the women feel Divorce is the worse possible thing that could happen to her(think of the Amish and shunning same thing basically)Yeah everyone will talk to you but they will also talk about u and u will be blamed for not being able to keep your husband etc.. it’s very vicious and very nasty! So women tend to play docile and just look at their husbands with sad eyes and go along with their husbands screwed up logic and program because the alternative/divorce is worse.Not to mention the husband will more than likely beat the Dog $h!T out of u if u buck up against him before u could even get back to your parents home.Not to mention u have your inlaws and them telling u how worthless u are for not going along with the program etc..It’s Hell to be honest!And the law does very little to nothing to protect woman.Not to mention a woman in more cases than not may very well loose her kids.Woman in Pakistan are seeking more divorces and trying to keep their kids these days BUT alot get killed or have to go into hiding not to be killed by their idiot husbands and his family.I swear I don’t think there is anything worse in Pakistani society to the population that a wife who will not listen.At least thats the way it has come across over the yrs to me.Even u see in Rasila’s case her idiot husband asked her to marry him and then hid her for 3 yrs because he couldn’t grow enough B@lls to tell his MOTHER! OH and what gets me the VERY MOST is that somehow the idiot thinks his mother is more important than his wife and baby!! Rasila is a million times better off without him.Even the family might come back and tell him to get her back but he has already shown his true nature towards her and the child that they are expendable.I hope she never takes him back and moves on with her life for the sake of her and her baby.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,
    Welcome to the blog I am Gail! As I read your post I was sitting here cheering u on girl and reading your post to my own husband who by the way is Pakistani and was a CHicken $h!t like your husband but in a different way! I am so proud of u for standing up for yourself and your baby and not letting him abuse u anymore!Seriously I can’t express enough how Proud I am of you!! Again Welcome to the Blog!!!

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani

    You made a very wise decision. At the same time I can’t help but think, this Pakistani culture I mean we should ralley against their hate for the sunnah we shouldn’t just back down each and every time because they are foolish enough to stoop so low and poison someone because of their hate for polygamy or because it will cause severance of family ties etc etc. Their culture should not be tolerated

    Abdullah Pakistani perhaps in the future you can marry again if you like now just doesn’t seem like the right time as you cannot provide separate homes for your wives. And you should respect the healing process of your wife. I have a change in heart. I wholeheartedly believe whoever wants multiple wives in Pakistan they need to STAND UP to the entire family demand respect of his decision to marry again. I don’t know, maybe the people as a whole are too far gone

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, WOW, your post brought me to tears. I totally believe you are sincere. I pray the best for you and your family. I believe that you and your wife could have a very happy marriage together. It may very well be that Allah will still grant you a son. Don’t despair. It’s not over till it’s over.

    For now, simply give your wife time to heal and the support that she needs from her husband. Know that you have a good wife who was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for you. Insha Allah, you both could make your living, your dying, your prayers and your sacrifice all for Allah, the Lord of the worlds. When we do that, we could have the best in this world’s life and the best in the Hereafter.

    Your last post was so beautiful.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif I pray the same for you too, my dear brother…

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Rasila,

    You said, “Marrying more than one woman is a very challenging task. And if he hides you he is not up to it.” Well said and in so few words!

    I’m so sorry to hear how your husband has treated you. You are a very strong woman and are handling everything so well. I pray Allah is well pleased with you.

    Believe that Allah will take care of and provide for you and your precious baby. You’re correct that your baby was meant to be here in this world and you should be very happy. Stay strong. Your husband will account to Allah for all the wrongs he’s done.

  • Rasila

    June 19, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    Thank you for the kind words and advice.
    This is terrible. But yet I am happy alHamdoulilah. My baby was meant to come to this world so wathzever trial/test Allah has put my way I will accept and try to act the best I can (not always easy tho).
    Well, he informed his wife (not taking permission. He told her that he was going to marry me. She was reluctant and then accepted it. Both had an arranged marriage and happened to be cousin.
    So his wife was aware about our marriage but he kept it secret to his family and extended family. I only accepted it because this “secret” was meant to be temporary.
    He said his failu wouldn’t accept it so, it is better to get married and then he would tell them. He said his failu wouldn’t be able to undo what Allah has done (I.e our marriage).
    But months after months I was feeling miserable, I lost confidence, self esteem and joy.
    All I was feeling was pain and it had become our main subject of discussion.
    When I became pregnant I urgently Him to inform his family or I was going to do it and he was very mad at me. He would leave me for days at home and give me the silent treatment for bringing the subject and nagging on him.
    The thing is, if you accept to be a secret wife now it is difficult to as for Recognition then.
    I was his kind of dirty little secret. I was feeling so cheap. I hated myself for letting that happen to me. But with a baby on the way I had to say it. Talk to his family. Even if they would accept me and my child.
    I didn’t want my baby to suffer from the lack of courage of his father.
    My point is, and it was mentioned earlier on, if a man wants to marry a second wife He should have the strength and conjunction to do so.
    Marrying more than one woman is a very challenging task. And if he hides you he is not up to it.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    My sisters in Islam,
    I have answers for all that you have kindly shared with me. But this is not a debate contest and I don’t mind being shown the mirror, I am not one bit offended by any of your comments. Rather they are all very well intended and given in the light of your personal experiences and I am most obliged May ALLAH SWA reward you all for being wise and sincere in your counsels …

    I have reached the conclusion and it is as follows.

    1- My dear wife is not cutout to be in a polygamous relationship and that’s the end of it.
    2- I will be reunited with my lost sons if Allah SWA Showers HIS Mercy and Bounty on my wretched soul… IN SHA ALLAH SWA (please pray for me)
    3- I will retract my proposal and offer the Chechen sister any assistance to get her married to some single Muslim brother in Pakistan (I have already a few in mind and have done some work on it already, should she be willing)
    4- It seems the path of TAQWA is to be kind .. and my first wife is most deserving .. if I break the heart of the Chehchen woman May ALLAH SWA forgive me ..and Grant her a better husband AMEEN …

    I want to thank all my sisters who contributed towards guiding me .. I shall frequent this website and pray for you all…

    May Allah SWA guide us on the straight path to Jannah and make our worldly stay peaceful and pleasant AMEEN …

    Wasalaam,

    Abdullah Pakistani

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Rasila,
    That is so sad dear. So how are you and the baby now? Now I really fear on becoming a secret wife. Such a horrible experience. Therefore you are different nationalities as well. You mean by he informed his first wife is that he asked permission on marrying you but she didnt agree and upon knowing that the first wife didnt agree with it, you still enter the marriage but the first wife didnt knew about your marriage. Or, she is aware that you are married, only the family didnt knew?
    You are aware also that their culture dont accept second wives yet you still pursue it? Why you continue?
    Are you in Pakistan now? If you are not Pakistani living there, maybe its better for you to go back to your family cause he will not be a husband for you anymore nor a father to your child. How can a father abandon his child and his wife?

    God is just. God bless you sister.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    I copied Rasila’s post over to the Do Not Become a Secret Wife thread, as it is most appropriate there. We all could still discuss it here on this thread to make it easier. 🙂

    Rasila’s post is the saddest yet 🙁

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Abdulla_Pakistani,
    I hope when your wife brought you the idea of another wife, and you decided on pursuing another marriage, you don’t tell the first that it is her that told you about it when you wanted to have more children, that the idea came from her. That when you talk about it, or maybe somehow “argue” about having second wife, you dont always brought up to her that she let you do that cause she cant bear you children anymore. I hope it’s not the case. Because it is like you are slapping her face that she is not enough now so taking another wife is your option.
    I think it’s better for the mean time to be with her. Try to rekindle your love again, if she cant give you more children accept it, but let her heal and be with her on the process. More than anyone she needs her husband, full attention to her that can see her pain cause what she’s going through now is very depressing and hard. Be her support not adding a burden to her. If after giving her some time and you still want another wife then so be it. But atleast you tried first, at least she saw that you tried for her, at least in her sorrow you are there, not having good time with another woman.
    Like the marriage vows sworn “for better or for worse”. You had her at her best, she deserves to have you at her worse.
    God bless you.

  • Rasila

    June 19, 2017

    Absolutely agree with this post.
    I am a living proof that those marriages don’t last.
    I got married to my husband three years ago. I fell in love with him. His religious knowledge and fear from Allah. He spoke a lot about deen and i thought a man who fears God can never misbehave with you.
    A couple of months later, he proposed to me. As a second wife. He informed his first wife (who obviously did not want) but he still carried on with his plans. The thing is, he mentioned he wouldn’t be able to tell his family yet (parents and siblings) until wa had gotten married since they come from a culture where second marriage is seen as a bad thing (they are from Pakistan).
    He managed to convinced. Se accepted to be temporarily a hidden wife.
    I had the most terrible time 🙁
    No acknowledgement, he never took me anywhere cause he feared people would see us unless we travelled), spent all my weekends alone, eid, iftar, holiday etc etc. When I got pregnant our relationship had become very chaotic to the extend that he couldn’t bear my nagging self anymore and i was angry all the time at him for keeping me in the dark.
    A couple of days ago, when our baby had just turned 3 months old, I decided to inform his helder brother…
    i called and explained the whole story.
    My husband called me cursing me that I had caused pain to his mother and because of me the whole family is about to collapse.
    He had divorced me over whatsapp.
    And never sees his child and we don’t talk…
    secret wife??? DONT YOU THINK ABOUT IT

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani

    If you can’t afford to give these women the rights that Allah commanded you to uphold then you really shouldn’t be going through with this. How can you expect any blessings from this situation when your building it on a broken foundation. You say you want to be fair and do things the right way but you’re choosing to do it the wrong way.

    Why not wait until you can afford separate houses? What’s the rush anyways?

    Don’t you get scared when you think of the day of judgement and having to explain to Allah why you tortured your wives by denying their rights and made them live in horrible conditions.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    I can’t imagine how horrible life would be with all those people living under one roof. It would be bad enough for two wives and a husband living in one house but mommy daddy two kids and a brother too. That’s just madness.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Thanks Ana, it gets difficult keeping up with all the different names 🙂

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    I feel very sad for Abdullah_Pakistani’s wife, as well. However, she has a part to play in it in that she has agreed to have the other woman come to stay in her home, and then live there after they wed. His wife needs to put her foot down and say, for instance, no way, will you bring her into my home. What he intends to do and is doing is a form of oppression, if you ask me.

    His wife may be agreeing to all the non-sense, because she may be depressed and has a defeatist attitude, after having suffered so many losses. On top of it, she has a husband who isn’t supportive, but is self-centered. He can only see what he desires.

  • Mari2

    June 19, 2017

    My heart broke for the wife of Abdullah Pakistani. How sad for her. As a person who has miscarried, albeit early, and to have known friends who suffered late term stillbirths I can say that it is a gut wrenching, heartbreaking, overwhelmingly sad sad thing. Men care so much about having an heir, but they don’t know anything about how it is to be pregnant, deliver, or miscarry. ALLAH has kept them on the outside. Only a woman knows how that feels. The early pregnancy flutter, the hormonal fluctuations, the pain, the messiness, the loss in some situations.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Serena,

    I said it because the cousin marriage thing reminds me of an Elvis Presley movie, “Kissing Cousins” that I used to watch when I was a kid. I loved his movies. LOL

    I know, though. I get very agitated with some of the men who come here with their selfish dialogue. Some are so inconsiderate. They know good and well that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t house all his wives together, so why do these Muslim men want to have their little harem and do it? Oh, that right, they want their harem to feel like manly men.

    We are to follow the ways of Allah’s Prophets.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Ana

    Abdullah_Pakistani post made me feel sad for his wife and a bit angry at how he is going about this polygamy.

    I had to read your reply again because I couldn’t help laugh at ‘kissing cousins.’

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    MS, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The ayah that you cited is often taken out of context. The ayah is about the treatment of orphans Article about Polygamy, Men and Orphans.

    Nonetheless, we ALL (as in all of mankind) are supposed to be just in all our dealings, unless someone fights us for our faith (Islam).

  • MS

    June 19, 2017

    Assalam o Alaikum @Abdullah_Pakistani,

    Is it possible that you do not meet the requirements to practise polygamy as you cannot afford to give 2 wives their financial rights (one of which is the right to separate homes)?

    It could be injustice if you cannot meet this requirement? “…but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then (marry) only one.” Al-Nisa 4:3. It’s worth researching what the right thing to do is from the Quran and sunnah.

    Allah knows best.

    Have a nice day https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    How do you think your wife is going to feel knowing you’re BANGING the other wife in another room in the house?

    Women are sensitive and emotional. Apparently, it doesn’t matter to you, as long as you and your other get what you both want. Apparently, you won’t care that you’re agonizing and tormenting your wife whom you say you adore so much. If you love and adore her so much, you’d put that other wife in her own dwelling away from your first wife. Your first wife is doing good in simply agreeing that you have another wife. Be decent and do the right thing by her.

    And what is that about your other wife making hijra for you? Are you for real? Sounds like you’re making stuff up. There is no such thing as a woman making hijra to go get her husband…

  • Flower

    June 19, 2017

    Personally I think Abdullah Pakistani tried to sway us with that Pakistani charm that’s so common. Underneath just a man who stops at nothing to get what he wants. Sigh

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    Not being able to house your wives in separate dwellings to me equates to you not being able to afford more than one wife. So, you want your wives to sacrifice to make life easy for you, huh.

    I see said the blind man.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud has got jokes https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif That was cute!

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 19, 2017

    May be your next son name is gonna be Mahmud

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Gail

    Thank you for shedding light on the science part of things in abdullah Pakistani case. It’s widely assumed that something is always wrong with the wife

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Marah S,

    I’ll make the correction regarding Abdullah_Pakistani’s name on the posts. No poblema.

    Rosa,

    Good looking outhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Marah S,

    Something strange is happening on my cellphone. My gravatar (pic for my post) is showing up for your posts https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif I have no idea why or how it’s happening. I’m on my computer now, and things are correct on the page, so I’m not going to worry about it.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani
    My posts were meant for you not A. Mahmud sorry about that

    Rosa,

    Thanks for letting me know

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    All,

    Please make sure you scroll down and check the posts to make sure you didn’t miss reading any. I approved quite a few.

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Marah s

    You’re confusing a mahmud with abdullah Pakistani

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    Gail I was going to say maybe he is not meant to have boys. Know what you said I heard about that too.

    Abdullah_Pakistani I am not being insensitive here but remember you said about sabr and foolishness. You tried for more kids it didn’t happen. So why don’t you have sabr then. Go by what you said about having sabr after trying.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Correction – was meant to say I wasn’t wrong in thinking you and new wife to be are being selfish.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakiatani

    You talk like you know how to go about polygamy yet the path you are taking is opposite to what you say.

    You are the typical example of man who is greedy and selfish just wanting more and will do anything to get what you want. You want your cake and eat it only with your new wife.

    Why is the woman really coming to visit? Where are her mahram/wali in all this?

    You are sooo wrong to keep both in same house after marriage especially if first wife is not all for you getting another wife.

    Again second everything Marah S said.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Salam

    Abdullah_Pakiatani

    You know I was bit wrong to say ypu and your new wife to be are being selfish.

    Yes there is wisdom in Allah’s decision and hence polygamy being allowed. You talk about sabr and foolishness. I disagree because there is a hadeeth saying sabr is in the first instance. Not when you don’t have sabr and then when you can’t get what you want then say oh I will have sabr. SABR IS DEFINITELY NOT WHEN YOU TRY AND THEN FAIL.

    If you want polygamy why give up if the second marriage fails? You don’t know maybe third time it might work out.

    I agree totally with Little secret and Marah S about what your wife said.

    I agree with all that Marah S said. You are determined to marry this woman.

    It is about you and your new wife to be. Just because she wants to live with your parents you are going to let her. Have some respect for your first wife. Poor woman is having this all forced upon her.

    You think you are doing a trial of married life with two wives when tje the other comes to visit. Like I said before it will be completely different once she lives in the same house when she is married to you.

    You my brother talk about new wife making hijrah is that how you talked her into marrying you by giving all the religious talk?

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    Little Secret,
    Yeah I am a two time Cancer survivor of Basal Cell Carcinoma.I don’t know how much of a survivor I am sense my type of Cancer has like a 1% chance of spreading but I have been warned sense I have had it twice now that my chances of getting another type of cancer dramatically increases.I know this will sound crazy but I don’t fear Cancer anymore which is awesomeee. My first Cancer was behind my right ear which was surgically removed no chemo and 7 stitches.My second cancer was on the right side of my nose.I had to have a good portion of the right side of my nose removed but it has grown back now

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    Little Secret,

    U brought up a very very good point that Abdullah_Pakistani was very cruel to his wife when she told him to get another wife if he needed more children.The Cruelty he expressed to her in that moment will be the very reason if and when he marries the other woman that his first wife may very well rebel against him in her heart and who could blame her.Men have no idea how hard it is for a woman to be pregnant and put her body through the birthing process only to deliver a dead baby or a baby that dies.As women when we become pregnant we prepare for the outcome of bringing another soul into this world but when things go wrong and the baby dies it mentally affects the mother that she could not bring life into the world.It’s complicated and I don’t think men really understand it on the same level as us woman.I am very suspicious though in this case Abdullah_ pakistani might have a genetic disorder preventing him from having male children and if this is indeed the case then taking a second wife will not solve his having a male heir issues.

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    abdullah_Pakistani,

    Hey u caught my attention in your last post about you and your wife’s miscarriages being all boys.Listen I used to work OBGYN/Woman’s Health and what u have described sounds very much like a genetic condition on the Y chromosome.Without getting to technical the male/husband determines the sex/ gender of the child.Now XX is for female and XY for male.From what u have stated it sounds like your wife can carry females but not male babies.If this is in fact then it would mean you have a genetic abnormality with your Y chromosome u would need genetic counseling.Listen this part is important to know.If I am correct and u have a Y chromosome abnormality this would have nothing to do with your wife because u carry the Y chromosome understand? This would be your genetic issue but if u do marry and u find that your second wife miscarries male children as well u will have your answer for certain.What I am trying to say here is if u are marrying to get male children it’s very possible u will only be able to produce female children and not males unless u go through genetic counseling.
    As far your wife being a complete mess if u take a second wife this is true and there will be no getting around the issue.Straight up you were your wife’s first everything..love,sex,everything and woman take that very seriously.It’s not some joke to us to be put in a position to have to share are most intimate thing our husband with another woman.Just think logically if the tables were turned could u just sit back and handle your wife taking another husband and u being in a position to share? U will surely shutter at the thought! Well woman our no different and we don’t like to share either BUT a woman willing to practice polygamy learns to see a bigger picture like one example would be the need to have a larger family.Polygamy can be awesome BUT thats not always the case when a woman doesn’t desire it.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Men https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    I guess the reality is, you’re getting a second wife and nothing is going to stop you. It’s what you want and you’re going to get what you want no matter what. And even more so you want that specific woman.

    You already know that it Will be hard for your wife, especially if you have other children with the other woman. You already know shw will experience abuse and humiliation from her community, and so will the second wife. You already know the kids will struggle.

    But you still want to go ahead with it. It’s okay, this is the reality of the dunya. full of tests, trials and tribulations. We will even be hurt by the ones who claim to love us most.

    What’s important now is you need to be fair to make it as easy for them as possible.

    Hopefully your wife is a strong believer and will turn her heart to Allah and away from you and the dunya.

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Abdulla_Pakistani,
    Sorry for your lost, and your wife too. It may be very difficult for her. But your statement on your last post:

    “next time you feel having more children, get yourself another wife.”
    “Please give me this in writing once you get better.”

    This statement hurt. And you said your wife never gave you. Of course. If I am your wife too, I will not give. I think your wife that day is in so much pain of always having miscarriage, thinking she is not fullfilling her duty to you and just losing a child, her flesh, will make her depressed and seeing you as wanting a child she can’t give, make her think about you should get another wife cause you want something she can never meet. But I think you should not ask her the written agreement of second marriage, that moment you should hug her, made her feel your love and assurance that no matter the shortcomings, you will be with her even she can’t give you another child. That’s what she needed that moment.
    As a woman and to my personality, if I am in that situation, even I said such thing, I dont mean it wholeheartedly, I still hope my husband will make me feel that I am not useless, she will not take another woman because my uterus is malfunctioning, that he will tell me “it’s OK, it will be allright”. Not that “give me this in written”. Its like afterwards you will really look for another woman.

    Your wife is still in Post Marital Syndrome so you should give her support and time and love she needed. You taking another wife will give her another torment to take everyday, we are not even sure if she already moved on in the miscarriage.

    I hope you will take time to think about it and pray if it is Allah’s will in your life.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    I mean she would be hysterical as in uncontrollably sad or crying or even angry. Many women who are forced into polygamy experience extreme pain, it’s not an easy thing to go through.

    Honestly it seems like you’re more concerned about yourself and the repercussion you may face, than how horrible life will be for your wives and kids. You just want to assure that your life will continue to be comfortable and when you get old no one will resent you. You better believe they will probably resent you.

    I’m horrified by your last post. You mean to tell me. Your wife came out of a painful procedure, giving birth to a dead baby. She was probably traumatized and emotionally distraught. Do you know how painful it is for a mother to lose her child? So in a moment of weakness she tells you that if you want more kids you need to get a second wife. And you actually believed her! You actually thought that she meant it! Don’t you know people say things when they’re upset?!!????

    And even worse you had the nerve to ask right then and that that you’re going to need that in writing??!?!! I nearly threw my phone in shock when I read that. How could you be so heartless, after what she just went through all you could think about was yourself. Ya Allah! I don’t even know what to say I’m just shocked.

    Whatever happened to spouses being a mercy to one another, and clothing for one another. These days all we do is make one another sad and miserable.

    Of course you didn’t get it in writing because when she said it, she didn’t intend for you to take her seriously! Are you sure this woman is the love of your life because you don’t treat someone you love this way.

    With all due respect are you sure you are not the love of your own life?

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Gail,
    How are you? I have to agree to everyone that your post made me laugh. ??? you are such a straight forward person. Happy to hear about your business which I think real estate is very good business, I used to work on a real estate company, but I was at the construction division developing high rise and mid rise residential building. Hoping for the good outcome of your business. Never knew that you are a cancer survivor too. You have been through a lot but I can see that it made you stronger and here you are making us laugh with your style of writing. Having such a wonderful children, like Adam are your bonus in this life.
    Godbless.

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Azam,
    About your question regarding the last name, what I know is wife, like the Egyptians, dont take the husband’s last name. The wife will still bear her father’s name. Because their name is based on their given name, name of their father, and forefathers, up to fourth or fifth generation. So your husband’s child last name will be the name of your husband. Example your husband’s name is Ahmed Farooq Hussein Mohammed, the child is Yousef Ahmed Farooq Hussein, or simply Yousef Ahmed. But for you, I just dont know if you can be like Azam Ahmed, or Azam Farooq? ? I don’t know if I make any sense here.
    Anyway, why you wish to change your last name? If you are so called spiritual wife, I think they are referring you as you are married Islamically but they didnt register your marriage to the court.
    May Allah enlighten you and fix your affairs to your family.

    One question sisters, if you are married Islamically but didnt register to the court, will that change your civil status from single to married? Will they have marriage certificate too?

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Serena,
    No apologies needed please advise and comment freely, I sorely need third party evaluation of my situation.
    There is no guaranty of more children through this new marriage, just a hope and prayer ALSO it is not Beyond ALLAH SWA to bless my first wife with more children and not bless the second.
    My point is that Allah SWA HAS in HIS unlimited wisdom given men the option to marry more than once and if I fear that I will regret at an old age being without more children I should act now while there is still time for me to find someone, anyone willing to accept my proposal and be my second wife and raise decent Muslim children …
    I can do Sabbar and be content with the two daughters Allah SWA HAS Graced me with AND I AM ETERNALLY thankful to Allah SWA, or I can try to seek more of Allah SWA blessing in terms of children, my philosophy is that while you are able and still you do not try it is not Sabbar it is foolishness, Sabbar is when you try and fail, then you do Sabbar. If I fail I will not marry a third time.
    I could be unaspiring but that would not be a natural state for a man who Allah SWA has created greedy for women, children and wealth.
    Regarding if I want a boy, yes I want a boy or boys from Allah SWA … but I am afraid to deem it the reason for the second marriage alone
    If I want to marry again does not mean I am abandoning my first wife, the love of my life. She went through the physical and mental trauma and I just stood by her side holding her hand feeling utterly powerless, useless piece of crap.. for four times in a row. The last two 4 months old I buried with my hands without a single tear .. they were boys all four of them !!..
    Now I can not even be intimate with her without contraceptives …
    Last time I was sitting in her room at the hospital, she came back after the painful procedure, got up from the bed, looked me right in the eyes and said “next time you feel like having more children, get yourself another wife please”
    And I looked her right back and said as softly as I could “Please given me this in writing once you get better (now is not the time) ”
    She never gave me in writing .. and I thought I was good to go get a second wife ..

    To be continued ….

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Marah S,
    Jazzak Allah for your kind words and advice.
    1- Polygamy caused more trouble for women and children in this world and for men in the hereafter. A close friend of mine has suffered neglect from their fathers due to his inclination towards his second mother. Now my friend is in his 40s, a successful engineer and more in wealth than his father. Now the father wants to come back to his son’s home which is more comfortable and located in a much better locality, but he, his sibling and mother have refused to welcome him back, they talk and interact but do not wish to have him back home to rest his tired old bones since he was not there when they wanted him, now he wants comforts that his children have refused .. this is a very unfortunate situation to be in when you grow old and the longing for a second or third wife abandons you ..

    I read the Istekhara Duaa every day and trust in Allah SWA that HE in HIS INFINITE WISDOM WILL DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, MY WIFE AND MY DAUGHTERS DEEN, DUNYA and AAKHIRAH. In Sha Allah

    You advised that in case I do get married the wives should live in separate houses.
    I live in my father’s house with my mother and one brother. My daughters are used to having Granpa and Granma around, my wives’s parents live 5kms away. The money I save on rent goes into a second car and a driver for the wife and children and parents of course. Now my first wife does not want to live alone with the daughters, she rather stay where she is AND the new wife also wants to live with my parents and help me take care of them.

    Like I said she would be visiting us soon so both will get to know each other and tell me how they would be comfortable living. My major concern is that my two daughters and first wife do not get a downgrade in the quality or life style they have enjoyed by the Grace of Allah SWA. They should not resent the second wife for causing them to be deprived of things they have been enjoying. On the other hand I don’t want the new wife who will do Hijrah from her country to feel being provided a lower standard of life. I have limited means and to give both wives the same standard of living at two separate homes will put twice as much financial liability on me that is one of the main reasons I did not look for a local Pakistani lady or some cousin.

    Sister you mentioned that my first wife will be hysterical and upset at times! Why will she be hysterical ? Can you explain for my understanding, please with example if possible.

    It is very sad and disturbing for me to see men failing to be just with their wives and children and making polygamy a horrific thing for the rest of us. There should be some test or some course that you must pass to be given permission to take up another wife. Seems to me that those who do get a second wife are mostly men who do not have what it takes to be polygamous and those who have the ability are either content with one wife or scared of the trouble

  • Lost Soul

    June 19, 2017

    Azam
    One more thing, if you want to take happy family pictures, I think you should stick to pictures with your own daughter and your hubby.

    If he has helped raise her with you all these years, he probably already has a good bonding with your daughter. You don’t need your co’s daughter to be a happy family.

    Just concentrate on your own little family.

    Taking pics with the co’s daughter WITHOUT co’s knowledge is a big NO NO…
    She has already been lied to by EVERYONE.. I am sure she won’t be thrilled when she finds out you are meeting her child behind her back as well.

    There is only so much betrayal a woman can take.

    And you are equally responsible by feeding into the lies your husband speaks.

    It may just be me, but with so many changes in your posts, something tells me you are totally in on what is happening and not as innocent as you claim.

    Pls take the advice given here, If in case you really are innconcent here, and tell your husband to straight up tell your co about you.

    To finally have the balls to stand and be a man and to JUST STOP LYING!! This will never end up a happy scenario for anyone with lies as a base!

    I am gonna shut my mouth on this topic now as I am sure you have a lot to digest and would not have like reading what the others or I wrote..

    I think you came here for sympathy and some co wife bashing and how to make YOUR life better as opposed to how you tried to portray yourself as wanting to be close to your co and your husband and you as victims!

    I remember a post where you complained that your co was staying long enough to get citizenship and will only then leave..
    Well, If she gets citizenship after all this crap.. good on her!!

    I am generally not harsh, but I am very straight forward.

    I wish you the best for you and your husband and your own daughter.
    Please concentrate on her rather than your co’s daughter. You write more about your co’s daughter than you do your own.
    You almost seem obsessed with her just because she has your husbands blood/genes!

  • Tasliyman

    June 19, 2017

    I’m also confused by the conflicting details in Azam’s story. In one post she mentioned that her husband only pays for the car while in another post she said that he and his family has been looking after her and her daughter for years.

    The way I see it is her husband is feeding her with non-stop lies which she falls for everytime or she is living in some fantasy world and is totally out of touch with reality.

    I wonder how much of what’s going on does Azam’s daughter know about. I mean does she know that the man whom her mother has been involved with for 11 years has been married to someone else for the last four years? Does she know that he has a child with his wife? Does she know that her mother is now married to this man although he never even stays with them like a husband should? Has the daughter also embraced Islam, does she know that Azam has done so? Is Azam’s daughter part of the “happy family” photo sessions?

    I shudder to think of the effect that all of this will have on a young teenage girl if it all boils down to a man who constantly lies about everything.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you said makes sense, especially the part in which she said she would embarrass the husband in front of the family to show them how they ruined her life. Insha Allah, Azam will come back and confirm or deny whether the husband and his other are “kissing cousins”. LOL

  • Serena

    June 18, 2017

    Salam

    I thought Azam co wife and hubby are cousins based on the info she gave about him having a forced marriage and how the co wife said the family have spoilt her life and that she would embarrass her husband in front of them.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    I’d imagine chemo could have an effect on the mind and memory, but I never heard anyone say that it causes a person to not know whether she’s coming or going or to hallucinate. Azam has got us all confused with her convoluted accounts of what is happening in her life. I don’t know what is fact from fiction. Actually, I’ve never seen anything like it

  • Lost Soul

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,
    There are so many discrepancies in your story, I don’t even know what to believe anymore.
    The story keeps changing all the time!

    First you were a hidden wife, now everyone knows you are the spiritual wife then you felt like a whore as your husband used to have sex with you and leave, never spending the night, but then you say he told the wife that you are very ill and recovering from cancer, then you sounded totally against the co wife but then suddenly you say you want to befriend your co wife but she doesn’t accept.

    I dunno… I may sound harsh but you have totally confused me.

    And now you say that your hubby and you and their child get pics taken together and you look like a happy family etc..seems to me that is what you want.

    You still feel superior to your co and you think she was just a baby making machine and that your husband loves you and only wants you and wants her to divorce him…

    It’s either you are completely feeding into your husband’s lies and falling for it and living in la la land OR you are in on whatever plan he and his father seem to be plotting in getting rid of her through divorce.

    I find it so weird that his dad is asking your husband to divorce her esp when his family were the ones who wanted to him to marry her in the first place.

    I think you need to ask yourself exactly what is happening and see the truth for what it is and not what your hubby claims!

    And also to admit exactly what it is you feel for your co and come to terms with that first instead of jumping the gun and expecting her to just accept youbas his second wife, especially with the whole family and you deceiving her like this!

    And all you guys need to quit lying to her as it’s just gonna get worse!!!

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    I’m still laughing from when Gail said hell would freeze over before she waits 11 years for a man to marry her ???

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    She especially had me snickering when she spoke of the “Man Whore”. She has a funny way with words.LOL

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    You ladies are soooo right. Azam says she just found out about the first wife three months ago then all of a sudden she marries him right after. Like Azam why didn’t yall get married in all those years. Why didn’t any of his family know of you until just recently and yall have been messing around for 11 years. There’s too many inconsistencies in your posts.

    Your co wife would be livid if she finds out her infant baby was anywhere around you. You gotta make things right Azam.

    Gail I am always cracking up laughing at your posts as well. I can tell you write exactly the way you speak it’s toooooooo funny. I always find myself laughing hysterically through your posts

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