June 2017 Discussions

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June 2017 discussions

June 2017 discussions

 

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527 Comments

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 June 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Letโ€™s say goodbye to the June 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: July 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    July 1, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    I understood you – that it was your husband and/or her that could possibly end up in jail and not her ex-husband. You were clear to me on that one.

    Tunis, if I understand you correctly, what he intends to do would be a criminal offense. You said that he wants to divorce you in the country in which the marriage is registered and where she lives. He then would marry her legally there. He and you would remain married legally in the US. It would mean that he would be married to her legally in the country in which she lives and he would be married to you in the US. Well, it would mean that he would be committing the crime of “Bigamy”. He could be prosecuted for it in the United States. So, I suggest that he not do that.

    If he wants her to be his legal wife, then he will have to divorce you, other wise he’d be committing a crime. Polygamy is not permissible in the US, which is why he must not be married legally to more than one woman regardless of where the marriage are. Although there is no laws in the US to prosecute someone for being polygamous, there is a law against having more than one legal marriage. It’s against the law in the United States to be legally married to more than one person.

    Tunis, you shouldn’t care how much your husband assures you of anything. Allah tells us that those who trust should put their trust in Him. Your husband doesn’t know what he is going to do at anytime, let alone in the future. We can’t say it enough here that no one knows the future. If you want to believe that you can trust your husband, then go ahead. See how that works for you…

    You stated that he said, “that he is not gonna let any woman just up and take him for what he has.” Well it seems that she is already doing it. Seems he’s dancing to her beat. It sure seems that she is about to take all that you have. I’m beginning to think that maybe your daughters were correct. Your husband seems to be taking you for a ride.

    You said, why should it be different for you, if you simply stay married Islamically and not legally? Well, why did you get married legally then in the first place? If she married Islamically the way that most do in that country, then why on earth is she trying to get legal? And don’t tell me that bull crap about your husband and her being jailed. Why would they be jailed if Islamic marriages is the norm in that country? Why would her ex-husband get the child, if Islamic marriage are the norm?

    About joint accounts as I understand it, the husband or the wife could take money from the account at anytime. I don’t have and never had a joint account with anyone, so I don’t really know, nor know how it works in other countries. I have heard of spouses who have gone into joint accounts and cleaned them out (took the money and ran with it). As I stated before, you need to sit down with an attorney and figure out what you’re dealing with.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I really don’t know about Tunis’ situation regarding her legal marriage and the Islamic one. I think she is foolish to give up her legal marriage, so that he could give it to his other wife. It speaks volume to me about her husband and how important she is or isn’t to him. She’s been married to him a good number of years and bore him children. It seems that he is just tossing her aside. I don’t know if she just wants to stay with him come hell or high water because she loves him so much or what it is????

    Again, Abdullah_Pakistani, your question about the legal marriage and the Islamic one – whether dissolving one cancels out both – is a a heck of a good question, and I have no idea of an answer to it. I’m not concerned with it because I view my Islamic marriage as the only marriage that matters in the sight of Allah. As I stated, the Legal Marriage License is simply my marital contract. I don’t know how other are doing it or view theirs.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Brother Abdullah_Pakistani, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You raised a very interesting question about whether a legal divorce invalidates an Islamic marriage. It’s a subject that I haven’t given any thought to and have no knowledge about.

    My husband and I have a legal marriage that I consider our marital contract. As you know, we are to honor our contracts. It would have to be dissolved in a court of law, if he and I divorce. He and I agree that Islamic law (laws about divorce and marriage) supersede any other law. So, he and I are on the same page with regard to it.

    My husband and I were married in a mosque in a large Turkish community. The Imam was legally authorized to marry us. He validated the license and filed it with the State that we live in. Our marriage was publicized in the newspapers.

    My hubz and I know how serious divorce is. Should it ever get to where my hubz and I truly want a divorce, we would dissolve the Marriage License in the court of law AND end the marriage Islamically simultaneously. They go hand in hand. We won’t have one without the other. It makes absolutely no sense to me to have one without the other. I’m firm in my position that I would not give up my Marriage License (I say) for all the tea in China. It’ just ain’t happening. It’s my intention. If my husband wants to stay married to me, the Marriage License must stay intact.

    There are probably a good number of men and women who have divorced more times than Islamically allowed and are now living together in sin (fornicating) or had done it.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Azam,

    I moved your post to the Pakistani thread 5 Things You Need to Know About Pakistani Men because this June one will end tonight at midnight.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 30, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Tunis,
    This legal divorce if given invalidates your Islamic Marriage as per the Hanafi Fiqh that I follow. I do not know exactly what the ruling is if a man divorces his wife legally and not Islamically in the West, but please seek both legal and Shariah council to be aware of each and every aspect as to the growing complex situation you are facing. May Allah SWA guide us and give us courage to be upright and honest at all times … AMEEN
    I request Dear sister Anabellah to shed some light on this issue, that if given a legal divorce a muslim couple remains married Islamically or not …

    Our Sheikh here says that it is a very sensitive thing that even if a husband gives divorce jokingly as a prank or non seriously it still constitutes a divorce !!! Let alone signing some legal papers !!!

  • Tunis

    June 30, 2017

    Thank you all ladies for your help. Sorry if I was not clear…but firstly…it is MY husband who could end up in jail and / or HER…..not her Ex That is what my husband said.
    About the divorcing part….he wants to do it in the other country where it was registeted too….so it eould be removed from his birth certicate…then he can marry her there, legally.
    He is hoping to be able to keep married to me legally here in the US. Meaning..he thinks the other country authorities will not report or submit our divorce to the US. .this may be true..I dont know .He would like to keep me legal on this side if possible. He is going to find out these things when he goes
    back to said country. But if we must fully be divorced legally to avoid a problem ..? He will divorce me ….whether I like it or not…but still wants to stay islamically married to me. He again has reassured me not to worry about anything…that he is not gonna let any woman just up and take him for what he has. That he has provided for me. She married him islamically…like many women here….and their husbands provide for them ….why should it be any different if I become the one islamically married? Maybe Im missing something in my understanding.. but we had built our relationship on trust…yes I trusted and want to continue trusting him to do the right thing by me…he said he will…he had plenty of chances to outright end our marriage…I even at one point said(more than once, I think) ..ok I ‘ll give you your divorce…lets split…then he tries to calm me or tell me think..etc.etc….then we make up. So if he wanted no part of me or to take care of me…he had is way out..is how I see it.
    If has u said ..I would no longer reap any benefits….well as it stands now…we have a joint account..which does not have to end even in a legal divorce…if this be correct….so I still have access ..new wife cant have access to this ..right? Also..my name is on the deed of this house as benefactor…if he dies b4 me..it goes to me. He can keep all this in tact…because its what he has aquired before marrying a new woman….my understanding..she has not right to that….?
    Will continue…I must go pray Fajr

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thank you for sharing how you and your husband handle the financial aspects of your marriage. You and he seem to have a good system going that works for the two of you. The beauty of Islam is that there is a lot of room for people to work things out with “mutual consultation”; honoring contractual agreements; and coming to amicable agreements etc.

    Business partnerships with Muslim men can become a bit tricky when the men are polygamous or may become so. Knowing such, I’d be very reluctant to go into business with my husband other than to put him to work and on the payroll, if even that…https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    It may not be a bad idea that the father of the child takes custody of his child. It would solve the problem of her needing a marriage license. She could stop working, as well, as she wouldn’t have to support the child. Then she wouldn’t need to worry about her husband being jailed, which I question the validity of it – unless they live in repressive Saudi Arabia or the like.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Lost Soul,

    I totally second what you said to Tunis about her marriage license. I, too, say, hell to the NO about giving up that legal document. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Tunis has had the discussion with us about it on previous posts. My thoughts on it haven’t change. I explained to her in detail how she should just let him do whatever he needs to do to facilitate the divorce. I suggest she do absolutely nothing to help him with it.

    It smells fishy to me too, Lost Soul.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    Your husband needs to be extra careful with what is going on with the other wife’s child. Your husband married that woman who has a child who is not your husband’s. Your husband is responsible for that child to treat him or her fairly and justly. He can’t just say, oh, that man needs to take care of his child. He’s can’t just shrug it off like that. If he didn’t want that serious responsibility, then he should have only remained with you or married a woman who has no children.

    It’s all fine and good and is expected that the biological father will care for his own child, but should he not do so, then your husband better step up and do it, as that child would definitely be considered an orphan.

    It’s a prime example of what that ayah in the Quran about marry only one, if you can’t be just to the orphan means.

  • Lost Soul

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis
    I don’t know your story as I haven’t been here long and I didn’t get much of what you have written as I have read in a hurry.
    All that stuck to me is that your husband is asking to divorce you legally!!
    Oh hell NO!!! NO! Pls don’t agree to it.. it’s one thing if the other doesn’t get married legally either but either ways I don’t think you should give up your legal document.

    Something seems fishy to me.. or maybe it’s just me..

    Whatever their issues are, they need to sort it out themselves. I don’t think you need to give up such an important document to make their lives easier when it could prove detrimental to your future.

    Just my two cents!

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    I removed the last part of the post to Tunis about the legal marriage license/certificate and put it separately. I didn’t realize until after I had rewritten the bottom part that I hadn’t removed it from the first part of the post. I just made minor changes to the last half. I mention it as some may want to read it again.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    About the part in which you said that she needs her marriage to be a legal one and not just Islamic, I get a funny feeling that it’s manipulative. It could be more that she wants it to be legal more than anything else. Therefore, he is telling you that there is a dire need for it to happen and happen quickly. You said he stated that he or she could go to jail or the ex may take the child, if she’s not legally married. It appears to me that he knew all along that you’d need to give up that marriage license/certificate, and she is now putting pressure on him to make it happen.

    You agreed to give up your legal document, so that she can be legal. I would NOT tell any woman to do that. It’s one thing to ask a wife to give up her marriage license/certificate, so that none of the wives would have one. It’s an entirely different story to ask a wife to give it up to give to the other wife who would then reap all of those benefit that you will no longer have, leaving you to depend on your husband’s word.

    Her problem about why she needs to be legal the problems with her child by her ex-husband is her and your husband’s business. Let them figure that crap out.

    It’s bizarre to me that you fear speaking honestly with your husband. If something is bothering me or I just want to talk, I ask my husband about it or talk to him about stuff whether he likes it or not. So, what you’re dealing with in not wanting to ruffle your husband’s feathers, so to speak, is foreign to me. I can’t imagine living that way…

    So, anyhow, above is what I think about all that you’ve stated.

  • anabellah

    June 30, 2017

    Tunis,

    First, I think Flower and ummof4 gave you good advice. Second, I must say that I’ve just read and re-read your post, and I’m not sure I understand it completely.

    Years ago, I read in Islamic material (I didn’t read it in the Quran) that if a person wants advice about another, it is best not to mention the other person’s name. For instance say, what do you think if a person did this or that? Ask in a way that does not reveal who the person is. It appears that your husband has done that. Of course, you have an idea it is his other wife, yet he didn’t come out and say it, which was a good way to do it.

    You could either tell him what you think or don’t tell him. Either is okay. It’s entirely up to you. The way I see it is that a wife should want to help her husband. He’s asking because he needs help and he apparently valued your view in order for him to even ask you. You’ve been his confidant for years.

    If he were to ask you if you think he should divorce his other wife, I’d advise you not to input on that. Let it alone. Then she nor he could blame you for the outcome. People like to blame others.

    On the other hand, I think if it were my husband who was talking about the things that you mentioned, I’d input about it – not all of it, but some of it. Simply, I would tell him what I thought and base it on what I know from reading the Quran. Nonetheless, you’d still be accountable to Allah for the words that you speak.

    What he was talking about or the way you worded it is a bit confusing to me. If they agreed upon certain things before they married, but now she’s changing her tune, he could either oblige her or tell her, for instance, look, I’m sticking with our agreement, as it’s all I have to give. Then, she could either ask him for a divorce or suck it up and settle for what she agreed upon. After all, the agreement helped them both decide whether to marry each other or not. He could divorce her. He is not obligated to make her newly found or now revealed desires and wishes come true after she reneged on the initial agreement. What? Is he suppose to take from you and your family to give to her to fulfill her new demands and to make her happy?

    About whether he can afford another wife, it’s not for you to determine that. Let that be. He needs to figure it out.

    There is nothing wrong with him expecting her to help out, because she works, if it was part of their agreement to marry. If she was working before the marriage and is working right now, then I’d think they agreed that she would continue doing as she has always done (work). It appears to me to be their agreement.

    About the child from her ex-husband, it’s the same thing. Did she and your husband agree that the child’s father would continue to support the child? If they agreed to it, then, the father should. Your husband could help take care of the child, as well, if it what he wants to do and can do. Again, it all boils down to what they agreed upon.

    Again, did he agree to take care of her, if she stops working. If he did, then he should honor that agreement. If he can’t afford to, I suppose it puts him in a bind. It’s something that he’d need to figure out with the help and permission of Allah.

    I’m typing as I read each part of what you wrote, bit by bit.

    Should she not work, sit at home and pocket all her money is what you asked. Well, some women have got it that way. I don’t mean to gloat; currently, my husband pays for everything. I contribute, because I want to. For instance, I’ll help with our vacations and I’ll go to the Whole Foods and other places and purchase things that we need or could use. I like contributing and Allah has given me the means to do it. I don’t hoard money or bank it to watch grow either. It’s all about what married couples agree upon. My understanding is that most Pakistani women don’t work and they’re husbands pay everything. There is nothing wrong with that.

  • ummof4

    June 29, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum Tunis,

    Be safe, don’t give any opinions or advice on your husband’s other marriage or his other wife. Let them work out their own issues. They decided to get married knowing that she had an ex-husband, knowing full well the possible consequences. May Allah protect them both from the legal system. As far as him fully supporting her and her child, her ex-should be supporting his child, but of course your husband will help out if he is a decent man. However he manages to do it, don’t worry about it unless he wants to take finances from you and give them to her.
    Everyone, keep up the Ramadan spirit until the next Ramadan.

  • Flower

    June 29, 2017

    Tunis

    Based on all you’ve said I don’t think your husband will listen anyway. It would appear that the had agreed on something and now she wants her equal rights. It happends quite often. She’s well within her rights to ask for what a wife is entitled to. She’s given him something, as in her love, attention, body etc. And now she wants what’s hers. Sweet words and promises don’t cut it after the marriage ceremony.

    I don’t think you have any accountability in the situation except to give sincere,truthful advice, which I think you did. It may seem easy but to give sincere advice to a husband about his other wife/wives can be quite difficult. It’s hard to not hint or outright give answers that will benefit you or irritate the other wife. It’s why I believe a man should avoid asking one wife about the other(s). Directly or indirectly.

  • Flower

    June 29, 2017

    Ana

    Sorry for such a late reply but yes, my husband did insinuate intimacy wasnt happening all to often. I didn’t make too much of a fuss about her pregnancy but he has a long lasting nickname of ‘super sperm’ since he can impregnate women so easily, lol. It’s an ongoung joke between us now. Sometimes if he sits next to me I’ll say “watch it now, I don’t wanna get pregnant” lol. We both have a good sense of humour.

    The state of the Muslim ummah really saddens me. I’m just at a loss for words. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif

  • Tunis

    June 29, 2017

    Ana,

    Since my husband did not say this question pertains to him, but it felt like it, and he is not one to say..hey, my other is thinking this way about such and such..what is your take? He tries to get info indirectly from me..I didnt feel really good about this line of questioning..and did not want to say..hey ..I know why you are asking me this..like..is there a situation between you two? I cant go there..meaning..he dont want me to ask. But Im a little concerned that he be just and fair…its almost like he doesnt really know..but after questioning me..goes on to say
    something that was new to me regarding a man’s responsibility based on Quran or hadith. So I figure I am gonna stay out of this…he asked me..I gave my answer like u had stated. But if they came to some agreement before marriage and now she is changing her tune…? I dont know, cause the question alone told me alot…can my husband even afford another wife?…I believe he expects her to help out, since she works..he told me, and her ex must support her child.. that is ..IF she wants to continue working..if she stops..he will take care of her..thats his logic…if a woman works and pockets all her money..while the man bust his butt and pays everything..especially since its not his child..I think he is perhaps questioning her intentions now. He also told me..she will or cannot stay with him…until she is legal..’cause if the Ex finds out she is married without..will either take her child away or Ex could get her into jail and our husband too. He recently told me this..that is why he wants to divorce me..only legally..not islamically..to protect both of them. I want to believe this…and am willing..but a thought had come to me…why did she except to marry him islamically and then sleep with him..kmowing what her Ex might do? But I dare not say this to my husband..he will take it the wrong way. So I pray Allah protect my husband and her, if what he or she says ..is true. So do I have any accountability to advise my husband what im thinking based on what he has brought to light to me…or let it go..this is his problem?

  • Mari2

    June 29, 2017

    Ana,
    I totally understand that the husband should be the provider for the women. But the caveat is “within his means”. As a working person, I choose to live according to what makes me comfortable. If that means that I pay for it, than I am fine in doing so. If I required M to be the sole provider for my living situation I would be probably a bit unhappy since his means are more stark than what I want. So, MASHALLAH I choose to provide for myself. Does this mean that he is neglectful of my needs? No. He helps me financially when I need it. And I help him too when he needs it. It’s a quid pro quo financial thing we have. It gives me peace to be able to rely upon myself for the majority of my financial needs. And since finances are not an issue much in our marriage, we can focus more on each other when we are together. I intend to keep it this way and that is why I will not engage in any business partnerships with him.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Tunis,

    The husband is supposed to take care of his family and it doesn’t matter if his wife/wives work or not. Allah says men are the protector and maintainer of women. Notice, He said women, not only wife.

    Of course, a woman can contribute to her maintenance and that of the household. There is nothing wrong with that. If she does it, while remembering Allah, and doing it to seek the good pleasure of Allah, she may stand to gain Mega barakats (blessings). If all the wives and their husband are on the same page, working in unity, knowing that their goal is to enter Jannah, they will pull their resources and work together as a family.

  • NovelKnot

    June 29, 2017

    Hi Ummof4,

    Regardless of the way I grew up, I’m thankful to Allah for all my blessings in life. It’s not monogamy or polygamy I’m against, it’s the unnecessary abuse of marriage that troubles me. I’m afraid of any future relationship in my life, whether it be monogamy or polygyny. I didn’t really have any good examples of loving stable marriages around me. All I saw was cheating, abuse, lies, deceit, etc. I pray they Allah saves me a painful marriage if one is in my future as I’ve already seen too much too young.

    I didn’t come on here to bash polygyny or oppose it. In fact I’ve gone back and read many of Anabellahs articles and agree with most of them. This is the first place where I’ve found that i can discuss, learn from and understand these concepts as I’ve never had anyone else to have these conversations with.

    42nd wedding anniversary huh? Masha Allah that’s amazing! May Allah bless you with many more. Its amazing that you have four wonderful kids that had a good childhood. I’d love to hear more about them and their experience in a polygynous family.

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Serena ,

    I thought your post belonged on the other thread. It’s okay. I have done the same thing on a number of occasions. It’s easy to write on the wrong thread. Insha Allah, I will move it and any of the replies once I get home, which probably won’t be till later this evening. I don’t have the capabilities to move the posts while I’m on my cell phone.

  • Serena

    June 29, 2017

    Was supposed to post on the Pakistani thread don’t know how I posted here. I thought I was on that thread!

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Gail,

    The fashion designer who did fashion week was Coco. I’ve been thinking about her. Insha’Allah I will email her. Hopefully she has the same email address.

  • Gail

    June 29, 2017

    Spirited,

    I laughed about the coconut oil I love that stuff and I now eat black cumin seeds alot because the girl that was a fashion designer(can’t remember her name) told me to try it and It really helps me alot.
    I can’t tell u how many times I have thought about u and wondered how u were doing.I am so happy to know that you got the husband u truly deserve.

  • Tunis

    June 29, 2017

    Hello Everyone !
    Strive to embrace those moments in better ways each day !
    May Allah the All Mighty help us all on this way to do so !

    I have a new question. It may have been covered somewhere on this blog, perhaps before I joined on. Anyway, I would like to know: if a man marries a woman who has a kid/kids and she WORKS outside EARNING money…(whether he marries her as an additional wife or first time)..is he expected to pay for everything of household needs, her needs, kids needs.. etc etc…or is she expected to contribute?
    What is the Islamic ruling on this and proof, please.

    I ask this because my husband has recently asked me this question in a round about way,(haha)using my divorced daughter with kids as an example..and what I think. ??

    I have my take on this..based on what I have read..but when I shared this with my husband..he did not like the sound of it? hmmm

  • ummof4

    June 29, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Novelknot, it is refreshing to hear that your childhood experiences brought you closer to Allah. I understand that in many cultures in the world where women are considered to be less valuable or less human than men, divorce is not an option. For the young ones out there, it used to be the same in the US as well. If you know people who are over 70, they will tell the same story – divorce was not an option, and women stayed in abusive, unhappy marriages. They often stayed for the same reasons that women in other cultures do now – for the children(the husband would take them), for family pride/shame, to not be seen as a failure. Alhamdulillah, that is not the case now, and divorcees are not looked upon as “unwanted, bad, used” women.

    Women and men choose to stay in unhappy marriages. My concern is more for the children of these marriages. Quite often they are damaged for life. They don’t know what a happy marriage is, and when they marry they do the same as their parents because they don’t know any other way of life. In my opinion, even if a woman or man chooses to stay in an unhappy abusive marriage, it is important that the abused parent exposes the children to other marriages that may be happy and non-abusive. That may be other family members or friends. It might even be to point out families on TV or in the movies. The child has to know that abuse is unacceptable, and Muslim children need to be taught that abuse is forbidden in Islam.

    The weather here has been beautiful lately. We had an excellent Eed and I enjoyed being with my children and grandchildren. In a couple of weeks we will go on our annual “Amusement Park with Jeddah (grandmother) Trip”, where I watch them go on rides, we watch shows and enjoy ourselves. Then a few days after that, my husband and I will go on our annual trip to the Caribbean for our 42nd anniversary.

    For those of you who are new here, my 4 children grew up in polygyny and are all adult Muslims with children and spouses who love Allah and are an asset to society instead of being a liability. The key to polygyny, monogamy, singlehood, and the key to success in this life and the next is to love and obey Allah more than any human, institution, or idea. Let’s all try to get to that place in our lives, In shaa’Allah(If Allah wills.)

  • anabellah

    June 29, 2017

    Michelle, Welcome https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Thank you for jumping in and sharing about your experience being a “secret wife”. I’d imagine being a “secret wife” wouldn’t be pleasurable for anyone. It makes no sense that someone would make an honorable and beautiful institution such as “marriage” a secret. I’m glad to hear that you got up out of it. You must feel much better physically, emotionally and psychologically. You breathe again, so to speak. Good for you!

    Again, thanks for sharing and feel free to share more if you’d like ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Michelle

    June 28, 2017

    I was a secret wife in America, not Moslem though, for three and a half years, and every day it was excruciatingly painful to not be acknowledged by his family, friends, business associates, etc as his wife. The marriage also wasn’t legal so I really felt more like a mistress. It’s a cruel and bitter life being secret.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    novelknot,

    Most of us who are here share different views than you. We are pro-polygamy. We know that we can live it with joy, ease and contentment. It is doable. To do this, we engage in good, wholesome positive dialogue that assists us in our goal.

    Polygamy is no different than monogamy. Itโ€™s marriage, plain and simple. People have problems in all marriages; it doesnโ€™t matter whether itโ€™s a polygamous one or monogamous one. All the talk about polygamy in a derogatory sense is to get people to reject it.

    Allah has selected our mates for us, so itโ€™s not a matter of a man needing to be able to practice it โ€œcorrectlyโ€ or โ€œrightโ€ before he enters it. No one knows what a marriage will be like until he or she is in it, and is living it. No one knows the future, but Allah.

    Only a believer in a marriage will have a peaceful and tranquil one the way that it’s supposed to be. It’s what I want this blog to be about. Not about people complaining about men and how unfair polygamy is. It is not!

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    novelknot,

    My thoughts on judging others is that everyone does it whether they say they do or not. Furthermore, it’s what we are supposed to do. Allah tells us to judge with what He has given us – the Quran. There are about eight or so ayat(verses) in the Quran in which Allah tells us to judge.

    Allah tells us to investigate as well. We’re not supposed to take anything on it’s face value, nor trust anyone but Him.
    He tells us who to listen to as well and tell us who to take into our intimacy. In order to do this, we must know about people and their characteristics. Allah tells us all about them. It’s so we know who to associate with and not etc. A believer, believes and does righteous deeds. It’s what we should look at.

    One can tell a lot about a person simply from his or her dialogue. A believer can spot another believer and differentiate between who is and who is not of his or her rank. As you know, there are those who are deaf, dumb and blind, as well. There are those who canโ€™t see, nor hear the Truth. Allah has sealed their eyes so they cannot see and their ears so they cannot hear.

    So, we need to make judgement calls. Of course Allah is the Best of Judges and the ultimate Judge.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Hello novelKnot,

    You said the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a “perfect” man. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had good moral character and was trustworthy. He and all of Allah’s Prophets are our example. Only Allah is perfect.

    I removed the part of this post about “a diseased heart” as I will make a post/thread of it.

  • novelknot

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Annabelle,

    I hope you’re well. I just saw this as I’ve been busy. I’m not saying that my mom was right for staying and enduring. I personally completely disagree with that. I will never agree that abuse or continuous negatively in any marriage (monogamous or polygynous) is okay in any form (emotional, mental, physical, etc).

    But she chose her path based on what she knows and has been taught. In Pakistani culture, especially my parent’s generation, divorce is not an option. Women are literally told that their marriages are the end all be all and they have to stick it out. Yes my mother’s family would have been there for her. But my grandmother became a young widow and has 3 other daughters. They’re also poor. There’s no way they could’ve taken care of my mom and us kids. It’s sounds nice and comforting, but a wasn’t practical. My mother couldn’t afford to be a burden on her family and have their reputation insulted by getting divorced. This is pretty typical in Pakistani cultures.
    Also, my father would not have let her see or contact us kids, he’s would’ve made her and her family’s life even more miserable after a divorce. He’s always used us as leverage to keep my mother in line. He grew up here in the US and she in Pakistan, he’d keep us here and send her back to Pakistan without us just to spite her. And my mom feared that we’d then be raised by his crazy parents and brothers who are just as bad as he is. We’d be abused and mistreated. And my father wouldn’t care as long as he could carry on his romance. So she sacrificed for us. I myself stated in a previous post that my father would be this way regardless of polygyny or monogamy. But, polygyny definitely has not helped our situation. Our family was already crumbling and after polygyny, it’s ruined. It’s I Pakistani culture, this is usually what happens. Seeing my father’s love for his second wife and having new kids is like rubbing salt on raw wounds. I just wrote that post so you’d have some background info. I never said it was right or that I agreed with it. I’m not defending her per say, but I do understand her reasons as well. She did what was most logical to her within her capacity.

    Also, my father says he’s a Muslim and really believes it. So how are we to judge someone for being what we think is a bad one? That trips me up when I think about him and other muslims who are so sure that they are good Muslims but their actions don’t always reflect it. How can we judge their deen? It’s between them and Allah, right? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’m sure you’ll have good insight and perspective. ๐Ÿค”

    When I talk about hurting the first wife, I don’t mean the initial/occasional jealousy, sadness, anger, etc as that is all natural. I believe if the first wife is happy/ content in her marriage overall, she’ll most likely stay in the marriage and eventually accept her husband engaging in polygyny. She’ll deal with it for the sake of her husband or family. And that’s good if that’s the case – it’d be ideal! But in cases where the first marriage has problems (and the husband and wife do intend to stay together), polygyny typically doesn’t have a positive overall impact. A man considering Polygyny should use logic and think about its impact on his present family and his own life. If it’ll ruin his present family, then being polygynous is no good. What’s the point of building a new family when you’ll lose your present one? Just because Islam gives rights, doesn’t mean that logic shouldn’t be used before applying them. Islam also gives the rights to many other thing (such as divorce, etc). This doesn’t mean that these are always the most logical choices in every situation. Monogamy is just as equal and valid an option and probably the better one if the outcome of polygyny will be negative for a family in the long run.

    But I understand that life’s not perfect and many of the women here have polygynous husbands and weren’t introduced to this lifestyle in ideal circumstances. That’s why I think it’s so kind of you to give them a place to connect, learn, vent and voice themselves. Keep it up! ๐Ÿ‘

    On a separate note, I read your other posts and you say that polygynous marriages are a test for some women and Allah has decreed them. That if you’re unhappy in polygyny, your heart is diseased and you should turn to Allah instead of leaving the marriage or feeling hurt. My mom holds the same opinion and that’s what she’s been doing all these years. But I tend to think a little differently. Yes polygyny is a marriage option just like monogamy is in Islam. But I don’t think the wives can just turn feelings of jealousy, sadness or depression. And that they have a diseased heart if they do feel these things. These are natural feelings that women have, even the Mothers of Islam did! Their husband, Prophet Mohammad was a perfect man and husband yet they had these feelings from time to time. We are no where near them so how can women’s hearts be diseased for feeling that way? I understand that they were not perfect women, but surely they were better then us. Allah made women with these feelings, they are natural. If one’s husband has decided that he will take on other wives and she’s unhappy with that, it’s okay. If she chooses to stay with him for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean that she had to be involved, supportively happy of his other marriage/marriages. It’s the man whose taken on the responsibility of other wives, not the women. I just find it unfair when women are told to kill their emotions and feelings because they’re wrong and just deal with what hand they’re dealt. I came across this article. I thought it was great and I’m sure many women can resonate with what’s she’s written.

    My summarizing thoughts:

    – I had a tough childhood but it’s definitely brought me closer to Allah and reinforced my belief and love in him. I’m pray and fast and have a clear heart. I’m thankful to Allah that I’ve made it through everything so far without losing faith and gotten even closer to him
    – Indo-Asian people tend to abuse both polygyny and monogamy because they don’t always respect women in general. Often times, they encourage and continue bad cultural practices over Islam
    – Polygyny when practiced correctly, is supposed to be a solution, not a problem. It’s the abuse of it that’s given it a bad reputation. Muslim women also need to understand that they may encounter it in their lives one day
    – Polygyny is a great choice if practiced by a good Muslim man and the wives are generally happy/content in their own marriages. It’s a bad choice if it’ll ruin families in the long run, in that case monogamy is probably better.
    – Women are made to feel emotional, unhappy, jealous, etc about their husband’s wanting to be polygynous. If they have a good marriage with their husband, they’ll naturally learn to live with his polygyny and accept it over time. Their husbands should be supportive and understanding about this like Prophet Mohammad was with his wives. He shouldn’t be angry, distant, forceful, etc. and make if an even harder situation for the existing wife/wives. This also doesn’t mean that the wives need to be supportive or involved with their husband’s other family. It’s not their responsibility nor role. If it comes naturally to them, then they’re amazing women. But, it should not be expected.
    – There are some women that benefit and would like to practice this lifestyle – it’s an ideal solution in these cases. If a man wants multiple wives and women need husbands or want to share theirs, that’s great.

  • ummof4

    June 28, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Spirited, I gave you the greetings on the Pakistani man thread, but I’m doing it again. I’m overjoyed at the fact that you may have found your true soulmate. And it sounds like both of you had previous marriages that weren’t that great, may the experiences enable you to be better spouses for each other. And feel blessed that your husband wants to “be around you”. I would love to “be around you” if just once, to soak in some of your bubbly, positive, patient personality. Don’t worry about your classes, just say the du’ah from the Qur’aan, “Rabbee, zidnee ilman (My Lord, increase me in knowledge). I don’t know how to type in Arabic, so I had to use transliteration.

    Everyone make sure to thank Allah today for all that He has given you.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Moipone,

    I just found your last two posts in the spam queue. I’m so glad I checked it. Sometimes I go days without checking the spam, and I delete spam sometimes without looking through them.

    @All,

    If you’ve written a post(s) that weren’t approved, please let me know so I can check the spam queue. Sometimes it may seem a long time before I approve posts. I could be sleeping or driving long distance or I’m preoccupied with something, which is why it takes so long.

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Ana yes I cannot forsee the future what will happen true. I was just being honest with my husband that should anything happen to my co , I was not willing to raise the child. Her family or his family will have to take care of him. (Not bringing him now)

    Yes Ana I communicate with her, I have no problem with her knowing her younger brother but I do not want her out of my side. You are right what my husband feels about us wont be the smae with his family.

    But he sees it as an attack on his family…

    Should anything happen to me I want my daughter to be raised by family not the co.

    It is something that came up when we were arguing about him taking our 8 years old to Bangladesh to vist the grand parents.

    @Rosa I am not Muslim learning learning about the religion for my daughter’s sake becasue she loves it. I will never mistreat the boy because he is innocent in all this mess.

    @Spirited thank you I thought for worrying about her going was being a drama queen.

    @Serena I have a half brother which resulted in my father having an affair, the family never acknowleged him nor do I see him as a my brother I would jump in front of a bullet to protect like my other siblings.

    I like saying what I think and do shy away from the truth because at the end of the day if I lie and yes Honey your son can come I promise to love him like my own I will have to live with that. A burden I refuse to carry but yes no one know the future things happen. I dont hate the boy or love the boy I just feel absolutely nothing towards him.

    Trying to deal with this challenge the best way I can and asking you ladies because you are Muslim helps me to understand my Muslim husband better. At the end of the day a human being is a human being despite Religion.

    I wish nothing bad to my co and the son or my husband’s family. All I need is honesty which sometimes I feel like its pulling teeth out of him.

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Good Day Ladies

    @Ana it was something that came up while we here arguing about my daughter going to Bangladesh with him to visit. Which my gut tells me hell no. I was should anything happen to my co would I be willing to raise and I said no.

    Not because I hate the son because I dont want to lie and yes honey because at the end of the day I will be liable for that.

    I said no because should anything happen to me I dont expect my daughter to be raised by my co but my family. I will also never mistreat the boy because he is inncocent in all of this .

    I was voicing my opinions to my husband who thought , it was an attack in his family and that I was refusing my daughter to know his family. I have known him for 10 years and not once has the mother reached out to me so why would I trust that my daughter will be safe in thier house in a different country.

    I am not Muslim but I educate myself daily because my daughter loves the religion and sometimes teaches me to pray I never dicriminated against that.

    it’s about the safety of my child and when I said that my husband threatend to leave and I said fine provided you sign away your parental rights and I am willing to raise her on my own and I am capable of doing so.

    yes ladies no one know the future nor can I stress about it but I wanted him to know where I stand. Yes I love him but I love my child more and protecting her in my duty.

    As soon as she is at an age where she is big I am willing to meet them half way like Dubai for a weekend for her to meet her brother but till then no ways.

    @Spirited thank you I thought I was being a dramaqueen rather he was making me feel like I am wrong about protecting my child.

    @Rosa I mean no harm towards the boy and no I am not Muslim.

    I ask for advise her because you ladies are Muslim so that I can be able to understand my Muslim husband. I also really appreaciate everyone’s point of view without taking it the wrong way @Serena.

    I wish no harm to the boy, my co or my husband’s family.

    Thank you

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    @Gail lucky for her she is whiter than my husband and myself. I want her to embrace being mixed and not choose between the races.

    Thank you I wil consider going with her to Bangladesh but knowing my family they wont allow it.

    For now the least I can do is to offer meeting in Dubai that way I will be comfortable and it will be mutual and level ground to meet.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Flower,

    I feel for you based on what you described. I don’t have children and never wanted any, yet I could imagine what you went through not only when your husband married another, but when the other gave birth. It’s must have been devastating for you. There is no denying that they were having sex, even if you wanted to fool yourself and not believe it or he said it LOL Oh, I thought you said you and she don’t have sex. Well how did she get pregnant then LOL Men SMH

    I really think that being in a polygamous marriage could pave the way for a woman to enter Jannah/Paradise. If she learns from all her experiences with it, it could purify her heart. It could give her a total make over on inside, in her heart and mind – purification of the soul.

    I’m happy to hear that you are doing much better. You’ve come a long way ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Moipone

    June 28, 2017

    Hi Ladies thank you again for giving me advise it helps to hear different perspectives.I will never harm any child ever.

    Hi flower very sad indeed.Thank you for sharing.

    Only time will tell.

  • Gail

    June 28, 2017

    Moipone,
    Unless u are going with your daughter don’t let the child go because u are correct in your thinking that she will be looked as less than or down upon sadly because she is half black.
    Bangladesh,India and Pakistan are all right there together and use to be parts of each other from what my husband has told me so yeah Spirited is right the cultures are pretty much the same in thinking esp when it comes to fair skin being accepted over dark skin as Insane as it sounds.I had a sister inlaw that was half black and half white and my own Pakistani inlaws talked and made fun of her behind her back because her skin color was the same as theirs.I am very white skin to the point that if I was any whiter I would be an albino.I have blue eyes and they all touch me and say how much they love my blue eyes and white skin.My own MIL has lived in USA for 6 or 7 yrs now and still she tells my adopted Pakistani kids to take showers so they will be white and walk alot and wear long sleeves.Whatever comes in that womans head she tells them.My youngest Son is lighter complected but as he is half Pakistani and u would be shocked to see how they treat him.They shower that kid with money and my FIL flat out says my biological baby son is his favorite and they wanted us to have more kids.It’s insanity of the highest level.I told my husband so many times to tell them to knock off but the inlaws don’t listen.I finally told my kids their grandparents are NUTS!!! and to just ignore them.
    I think at some point u will have to address the issue and bite the bullet and go to Bangladesh with your daughter sense she wants a relation with them and if they are willing to receive u and her then u will have to figure out at some point I figure but never let anyone put u and your daughter down on something as ignorant as skin color.U need to fight for your and your daughters rights to be accepted and that starts with your husband demanding respect for u and your daughter.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Flower, Hey there https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    The subject of Pakistani and Bangladesh men is very interesting and sad as well. Thank you for sharing about the Bangladesh sister whom you know who is having problems finding a Bangladesh husband.

    For me, learning about how “Muslims” differentiate between one another is disheartening and it may be for many reverts when they first become Muslim. I’ve been Muslim just a little over 30 years now. Finding out that very few people actually TRY to live according to the Quran, really messes me up psychologically. Most are into their own culture and deal in nationalism. Then there are those who seem to have no culture and go imitate someone else (Arabs) culture, as in way of dress etc.

    I see clearly why “Muslims” from “Muslim” countries are suffering so badly, as they have turned their backs on Allah and have abandoned Him. Allah only remembers those who remember Him. He promises the believers so much good and victory. The Muslims aren’t seeing it because they have rejected Him (Allah).

    In Islam, no one should see race, color, ethnicity, nationality or any of that. All that should matter is a person’s belief. It should be about belief and righteous deeds, nothing else. It is what should distinguish us from one another. So called “Muslims” are living and believing the same way that non-believers do. Apparently the “Muslims” are the ones who are cursed now.

  • Flower

    June 28, 2017

    Hiya all,

    Just jumping in on the moipone discussion. From my interaction with Bangladeshis they’re not much different to pakistanis. They have the same family dynamics and ‘rules’ for marrying. A sister at my local mosque is wanting to get but cannot find a suitable Bangladeshi brother. Her family want to get someone from ‘back home but she knows not many of them are learned in the religion. It’s not her that will only marry a Bangladeshi but it’s her family that won’t allow it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif. You’d think since pakistanis and Bangladeshi are so similar in culture they’d be ok marrying each other, but no. How very sad, her family would rather her marry an unlearned person than someone with a different heritage.

    Moipone.
    I do understand your feelings about your husbands son. When my co gave birth I found it very difficult to accept the child. Of course I was never unkind to or about the child but I had an overwhelming feeling that he was born from my pain. I know for the first year and 1/2 I cried every night he was away, and during one of those nights the child was conceived, so the child was being ‘made’ while I sobbed into my pillow, the baby felt like a product of my broken heart, may Allah forgive me. I never purposely tried to love the child, but I did once I had accepted polygamy and that their marriage was a real marriage that included sex and consequently, children. I think once you accept polygamy your heart will soften towards your husbands son, inshaaAllah. Remember there’s no problem in not loving any children as long as you don’t abuse them as Ana said. Your still working on accepting polygamy, focus on that for now and let your husband know to give you a break.

  • anabellah

    June 28, 2017

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for the little history/geography lesson. It’s way interesting.

    When Moipone first arrived on the blog and mentioned Bangladesh, I looked it up on the map and saw that it was near Pakistan. I didn’t know, actually it had been a part of Pakistan at one time. lol

  • Spirited

    June 27, 2017

    Salaam all!

    @Ana, funny you should mention that Moipone’s situation sounds similar to what Pakistani men do — Bangladesh was once “East Pakistan”. Lol, so I wouldn’t think their thinking would be all that different. Besides which, the entire region was once one big country, which is why Indians are not much different in their mindset either.

    @Moipone. I agree you should not let your daughter go without you. They would definitely be racist — Africans, or blacks as you say, are seen as “lesser” humans by them. If she were to go, she would most likely be compared to the Bangladesh wife’s son and probably made fun of/insulted. Doesn’t matter what your husband says or if he makes promises that he wouldn’t let anyone say anything, they would still do so. No mother should let her children go to another country without her at such a young age as it is, especially to a 3rd world country where even the drinking water can look “clean” but still make you terribly sick.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Sorry! Some of the posts was out of order for a moment.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    With regard to now, how is Moipone wrong in not feeling anything for the child now. Allah controls what we feel in our hearts. She’s dealing with a lot right now in trying to accept being in a polygamous marriage. Why are you expecting her to feel love in her heart for her co-wife/husband’s child. Do you want her to lie about how she feels about that child?

    We know all to well about women who are in polygamous marriages and they are practically destroyed by the thought of the co-wives becoming pregnant or when they have children by their husbands. Do you really think that just because a co-wife has had an innocent child that the other wife instantly has love in her heart for that child? Ideally, it would be nice; I suppose.

    Some people don’t love children, nor like them. It’s why the one ayah (verse) in the Quran that people don’t understand lets us know that if a man can’t deal justly with the children (Men know if they like or want to be bothered with children, especially other men’s children) then they shouldn’t marry that woman.

    It doesn’t make a person a “bad” person if they don’t particularly care for children or don’t want to be bothered with them. It makes a difference if they mistreat or abuse them.

    Rosa, you may be sensitive to the issue because you said you didn’t like the way your co treated your child(ren) in the past. Gail has shared with us how her ex-co mistreated her son. No one is talking about Moipone mistreating her co’s child. She simply said she doesn’t want anything to do with the child now or ever.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    If I remember correctly, when Moipone first came here, she expressed concern that her husband had married her for citizenship, and he knew all along that he’d go back to Bangladesh to marry a Bangladeshi, however didn’t let her know it. To me, it’s no different than what the Pakistanis are doing – following culture – not Islam – and they purport to be Muslim. With that said, yeah, he’s a product of his environment. They’ll use any one to get what they want, whether it’s a black; Philippine; white; or any other race, color, creed or religion. They are equal opportunity users.

  • Rosa

    June 27, 2017

    Well moipones husband didn’t seem to be a product of his environment since he married moipone despite his family’s utter racism. The three year old can possibly go the same route. If we’re talking about now well now the boy is innocent. No one can foretell the future. I though we were advising her for the present anyway not the future and how the child might turn out

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    Maybe you could elaborate more. Does your husband want to bring the child there to your country now for you to rear and for you to love him as though you gave birth to him and he love you as his step-parent?

    If he’s talking about you taking the child, if something happens to the mom – where is that coming from? I’m skeptical about his motive. It appears the mother has no problem with having the child come to your country, yet she and you have no communication with each other and have never spoken. It doesn’t sound to be about people working together for the common good of all involved. But, then how could it be if you’re dealing with a bunch of racist people?

    Maybe you should have a deeper conversation with your husband to get at the root of it. What’s going on in his head and what are they planning. Something doesn’t meet the eyes.

    Here you are trying to come to terms with a polygamous marriage. You and she don’t talk and never have, yet he’s making plans for the son to come to your country IF something happens to the mother. Sigh. What’s up with that?

  • Serena

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone

    Thanks for the reply and providing further information about your reasons for not wanting to let your daughter go Bangladesh with her dad.

    I hope you didn’t get the impression that I was telling you to send your daughter with her dad. Your reply gave more information and as her mother you would only want whats best for your child and it’s only natural to want to protect your daughter from extended family.

    Rosa

    I agree children are innocent in all this. I feel that to a huge extent Moipone is no different to the Bangladeshi family that never accepted her as a daughter in law because she is black. She does not accept the boy as her daughter’s half brother. I think it maybe because the woman who gave birth to him happens to be her co wife.

    Noone knows what the future holds so inshaAllah hope her heart does soften towards the child.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    One must consider that we’re a product of our environment and our informative years are very important. In saying that, one must consider that the little 3 year old probably is being reared by those very people who dislike and dismissed Moipone. He may very well not be all that innocent when he is grown.

    We see what culture do to people by just reading here about the Pakistanis. It’s all learned behavior.

    It’s one reason I said Moipone is going to have to deal with today and not with what she will do in the future. Those people will probably keep that child there with the Bangladesh people. He may very well want to remain there. The only reason her husband may be wanting her to accept the child is only to give him a better way of life in the country where she lives. It may not have anything to do with her. It may have everything to do with what is most important to them. They haven’t come around in all these years to embrace Moipone https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

  • Rosa

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone

    It was rough reading your post about not acknowledging your husbands three year old son and saying you will never love him. It’s just sad because the children is innocent in all this. Why should an innocent three year old be blamed for his fathers actions mothers or how your in laws feel about you. I have a three year old son so this really hits home for me. Not sure if you’re Muslim or not but may Allah/G.D soften your heart towards the child

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    About your husband’s son, you said you would never love him. How do you know? No one can predict the future. Most importantly, God puts the love in the hearts. We can’t make ourselves love or not love anything or anybody.

    I know you’re basing how you think you’ll feel in the future on how you feel right now. Try not to go into the future with that. I’d suggest you simply tell your husband that you are not ready to embrace his son now, as you’re not feeling it.

    Let him know that you’re taking it all a step at a time. You’re trying to come to terms with him being married to another woman right now. It’s the most that you can deal with at the moment.

    About you taking care of his child should something happen to the mother, who knows https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif Maybe the Bangladesh relatives would care for him there. He may be old enough at that time to determine with whom he’d like to live. Your husband and you are wasting time and energy right now in thinking about something such as it.

    We put a burden on ourselves when we try to figure out what we’ll do or what is going to happen in the future. Let’s deal with what is happening right now. We lose today by looking at the past or looking towards the future.

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Moipone,

    Initially, I wasn’t going to input about your question, as I didn’t know what I’d do in your situation. Now that you’ve shared more, I have my thoughts about it. The analogy that you gave painted a clear picture for me.

    Knowing that his family have never accepted you because of your race, I’d suggest you not send your daughter to Bangladesh. As you stated, why should you think they’d treat her any better than they have treated you? Every time they look at her, they will see her race and will see you, as well – a reminder of what they don’t like.

    It would not be prudent for you to think that they would embrace someone who represents what they dislike. It may be wishful thinking on your husband’s part. He’s probably projecting his feelings about you and your daughter onto his family. He loves you and his daughter, therefore can’t fathom that they’d feel something to the contrary.

    I agree with you that you should wait until she is 18 years old and of legal age to make her own decisions, despite what you say. If she is old enough or as soon as she becomes old enough, explain to her your decision the way you have done for us.

    Right now, she is dealing with desire only. She desires to go to another country with her dad and have a good time. She is too young to know the repercussions.

    If you’ve followed Gail’s story, she said that she was poisoned while with her Pakistani husband in Pakistan. Your daughter is too young to know anything other than the fun she intends to have in a foreign country with her dad. You need to protect her, based on your advanced knowledge and wisdom, which you can’t do if she’s over 5,000 miles away.

    I don’t doubt that your daughter’s dad loves her dearly. Explain to her that the way his family feels about you doesn’t diminish the love that her father has for her and you.

    I think the more we communicate with children and open up to them, speaking the truth when they are old enough to understand, the better it is for them. They don’t go throughout life wondering why and coming up with their own conclusions about certain things near and dear to them, which may be false assumptions. Consequently, they become bitter and angry not knowing the facts.

    Those are my thoughts about it https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    June 27, 2017

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Eid Mubarak ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s nice to hear from you. I’m so happy that you and your new husband are compatible and happy with each other, as well. It’s always nice to hear good news.

    Insha Allah, all will continue to go well with your educational pursuits and Allah will continue to bestow his blessings upon you.

    About your ex-husband, I wouldn’t give him the time of day, if I were you. I’d not help him one bit, as he has shown you his true colors (as in what his Islam is like or should I say not like) besides having used you and your family for his personal gain. I certainly could see myself being truthful with the Prosecutor about it, as well.

    With regard to him complaining about his wife, I suppose that since you’re no longer in the picture and it’s only the two of them, the honeymoon phase finally came to an end. She no longer had you as a competitor, therefore she could relax and be her natural born self.

    I doubt that he expected you to remarry, so soon, either. Good for you. I pray the best for you and your husband. Insha Allah, you’ll have a little bambino soon ๐Ÿ™‚

  • LittleSecret

    June 27, 2017

    Eid Mubarak to all! Even its days late. Hope everyone is doing good.

  • Moipone

    June 27, 2017

    Hi Serena

    My daughter is turning 8 years old in a month and want to go for 2 weeks.They are very close with her father.

    The son is 3 years old and I do acknowledge as my husband’s son. Do not take him as my daughter half brother and honestly I may sound cruel would never love as My own.

    Between the us wives we never spoke and never will speak,may it is because they never accepted me as his wife because I am black.
    I feel Like You cannot welcome a monkey while you are willing to shot the mamaGorilla down (just an example). If hate me for being black, they cant love her she is from my womb. (Do I make sense?)

    When my daughter is like 18years old and wants to her brother i wont say no. For now is over my dead body.Maybe it is the angry of the discrimination from my husband family.

  • Serena

    June 27, 2017

    Salam

    Hope those that celebrated eid had a wonderful time.

    Moipone

    About sending your daughter to Bangladesh with her father I think there is noo comprising if as a mother you feel you are putting your daughter at risk by sending her there.

    Just some points to consider (you don’t have to answer them here). The age of your daughter. Has she ever stayed ovwenight without you? How close is she to her father? Is she able to look after herself like dress and feed maybe even cook for herself? How long will he go there for? What type of area they will stay in? Will it have a toilet heating hot water etc? What if she gets ill?

    About the son coming to stay I guess some of the points above would apply to the son too like his age.

    Don’t take this the wrong way but do you acknowledge him as your husbands son, do you accept him as a step son and half brother of your sister? Would you treat him like your own?

    I think it would be nice for the son to come because that way he can meet his half sister. In an environment where you and your daughter are comfortable.

    Don’t let differences between you wives get in the way of a chance where brother and sister can live together with their father even it’s for a short time.

  • Moipone

    June 27, 2017

    Good Day ladies its been a while hope everyone is good and well.

    Its been over a year now since i found out the 2nd wife in Bangladesh. Another thing is wants to take our daughter to his parents there in Dec .I said no which caused a month of not talking to each other i gave him reasons and there is no way my daughter will be under the same roof as her. Am I being unreasonable?

    Then he asked if anything could the 2nd wifewould I raise her son? I said NO just like if anything happens to me, I dont her raising my daughter.

    There has been tension , which got me to realise that I am the only compromising in this.

    Am I being unreasonable?

  • Gail

    June 27, 2017

    Everyone,
    Happy EID Mubarak!

  • Spirited

    June 26, 2017

    Salaam and Eid Mubarak to everyone https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    Glad to see you guys are well and most of the old gang is still about! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif. I do miss talking with you guys, even when we would talk about things not related to polygamy. Gail, a few days ago, I read something about how coconut oil is unhealthy to eat (but good for topical use) and that just made me think of you and how we talked of home remedies for infections one time! Lol.

    I’ve been reading along but it’s always later at night and I fall asleep before I can write in. Plus I don’t think I could add anything all that much that you lovely ladies don’t already cover, heh. I’m glad this blog is still so active and helping people, Mash’Allah. I hope Allah lets more people gain peace and understanding through everyone here and you all gain blessings for being understanding and supportive, Insha’Allah. Even though sometimes it may seem you have to repeat yourselves over and over lol https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    My personal life is going well and I thank Allah much for my new husband and letting me see to leave the jerk I was married to. We get along really awesomely, have the same moral values, like similar things and — the big shock to me — he wants to be around me a lot. I’m so NOT used to that, lol. I’ve got a year left in school, and Insha’Allah, will have a good job with like 4 options for upward mobility into further fields of study. The upcoming part of summer is going to be brutal though so pray for me that the rotation goes well. There’s one clinical instructor that scares the pants off me and I’ll have to deal with her every day, 8-4! I hope those 6 weeks fly by!

    You know what’s funny, my ex-husband has tried to…I don’t know what…make me jealous? Hope that I go crawling back to him? Twice he’s had documentation of how much he makes now (after I and my family helped him get here and get through school). Instead, I’ve told him it’s been a few years, he needs to make sure ALL his mail is going to his place, not mine. He had also been putting my name on his taxes as a dependent — luckily I put a stop to that nonsense right away (when I found out) before remarrying! I asked him why he wasn’t using his precious adultress’ name, well, his “wife”. You’d think he would put her name on their taxes filing jointly…lol. He claims he can’t (yes I rolled my eyes hardcore at that). Told him yknow what, I don’t care and I don’t even want to know what excuse he had for that but he better not dare use my name with anything to do with him again because I’ll take him to court over it if I can as I legally and completely have zero to do with his loser self. Last time I got something in the mail with his name on it, was back-taxes collection he’s been putting off paying. They just keep adding fees to it and will eventually just take it out of his pay which is funny because despite all he makes, and all that education, he still has the same backwards-fresh-from-pakistan mentality as any of those people. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif. Of course if I ever need it, I have the lovely dated Pakistani divorce paper that he had done in secret :D. He has also sent me texts complaining about his wife. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif. Why? What do I care? I have nothing to do with him, OR her. I pretty much had nothing to do with him for years before divorce too, lol.

    You wanna know the kicker? He actually asked me if I would help defend him in his deportation case! Lol, oh it wasn’t enough that I found an awesome lawyer (who happens to be buddies with the judge!), did all the paperwork, organize everything, etc., while he lied that he wouldn’t leave/divorce me and NOW he wanted me to go to court on his behalf? I was like HA! HA! HA! Yeah ok, if I went to court in that case, I’d be on the prosecutor’s side!

    Anywho, that was the last thing from that roach. My husband thinks my ex isn’t half as nuts as his and sometimes we try to compare, lol. I say good riddance all around ๐Ÿ˜€ https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif. Well, that’s enough rambling for now I figure. I’m mostly around and Ana always has my email :D. I hope to pop in more often. Pray for an easy July-August! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Shona

    June 26, 2017

    Salam Rose
    Thank you, I’m glad I’m not the only one through this journey.
    May Allah make it easy for us.

    Aameen ๐Ÿ˜˜

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    I pray everyone is having a very happy Eid! May Allah bless you all! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Happy Eid Mubarak from Polygamy 411Happy Eid Mubarak from Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    June 25, 2017

    Cinnamon, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Eid Mubarak to you, too.

    It makes two of us who are happy that you have found this blog ๐Ÿ™‚ Alhumdulliah! It’s wonderful news to hear that you made istikhara and got a positive result.

    You are a beacon for all of us who want to see polygamy viewed as the positive, beautiful, good way of life that it is. It’s admirable that you are going defy the negativity associated with a way of life that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived. It’s a way of life that Allah has made lawful for us.

    Furthermore, I’m happy to hear that you’ve read my book, and you liked it. It’s music to my ears ๐Ÿ™‚

    Insha Allah, you’ll stay with us here on the blog. Share as much as is easy for you and that which you are comfortable with. I pray Allah blesses you and your upcoming marriage. You must be so excited, and I’m so happy for you.

  • Rosa

    June 25, 2017

    Eid Mubarak everyone

    Shona welcome. I’m a third wife as well ๐Ÿ™‚ nice having another third here

  • Cinnamon

    June 25, 2017

    Assalaamualaikum Ana and all the sisters here.
    Eid Mubarak to you all.
    Alhamdulillah. I’m so glad that I came across this blog a couple months ago. I have learnt so much Alhamdullilah. Even though I have always known that polygyny is a part of Islam, I was quite surprised when my istikhara to be a second wife was positive. I had been making istikhara for other proposals from single guys, always with negative outcomes. But in this case, I knew that the brother was a really good guy, so I told him that I would read istikhara. Through du’aa and reading posts on this blog I have found the strength to go ahead with it inshaAllah, despite the negativity I will undoubtedly get from my family and community. My soon to be co-wife has said that she needs a bit more time to get used to the idea. I have great respect for her, for the way she is handling everything. May Allah preserve her. Ameen
    May Allah reward all the sisters who have posted their stories on here and those who have advised them. I have also read Ana’s book which is a great read MashaAllah. May she be rewarded for assisting us to see the beauty in the sunnah of our Prophet SAW. Ameen.
    BarakAllahu feekum

  • Shona

    June 25, 2017

    Alhamdulilah…
    I’m overwhelmed and happy that I have found this blog. Jzk for all your advice and your thoughts. It’s genuine and honest comment. Nowadays it’s difficult to have a friend that will give you a genuine advice and leads you the right directions or even keep your secrets, sometimes the friend we trust and explain our problems to won’t give you a good advice or keep it as secret. My sisters may Allah reward you All abundantly and increase our faith guide and direct us in the right path. Protect us from all evil dowers.

    Lost Soul, u right she never respect the first wife she bullied her to the last everybody was happy when her husband married me, she became people’s enemy, bcos of the way she was treating the first wife. The first is a very quite person down to earth and kind.. They are not my friends we share what we all love dearly so it not easy to friend ur co’s… We live in a different town we only see each other occasionally.

    Sister Anabellah u are right this fitish thing work , because I didn’t group in that society so I don’t believe in it… here in Africa they have wicked ones they don’t believe in Allah, all they want is money and they do what ever you ask them to do….

    One of my best Zikrullah
    โ€œHasbunallahu wa ni`mal Wakil
    Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).โ€

  • Lost Soul

    June 25, 2017

    Shona,
    Wow, I find the reaction of the second wife to you and the marriage so drastic. I mean I’ve heard of first wives reacting like this to the second .. And it is understandable! BUT the second co saying she will NOT accept any woman in her husband’s life!! What?! Er Hello!!! There is a already a woman in his life! The first wife! LOL.
    Unless she was living in denial that she was the only wife till you came along!
    And since she entered a polygamous marriage she should have been aware that he might still want more wives.
    Yeah for sure there will hurt involved, but creating a ruckus and demanding divorce and then being mean and nasty to the third!! C’mon!
    You are right Gail, She must have thought she was all that and more and must have felt pretty superior to the first wife hence this extreme reaction where she thought that the husband would never want another woman beyond her!
    Stay strong Shona, I know about the stuff you are talking about , but I believe that faith and trust and belief in Allah trumps all and prayers are stronger than anything.

  • Karima

    June 25, 2017

    Eid Mubarak!!!

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Happy Eid, All
    Happy Eid Ul Fitr from Polygamy 411

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,

    I’m wholeheartedly with Gail about what is happening with the 2nd wife. She got a rude awakening when you arrived on the scene. I’m sure she thought that she was the queen bee when he married her. She thought herself superior to the first wife, maybe even thought she was replacing her. Definitely thought she was the most loved. I’m sure she thought she was all that and a bag of chips.LOL Him marrying you jolted her into reality. She got a reality check.

    As Gail stated, probably she is going through the same devastation that the first wife had to go through. Perhaps she showed the first wife no mercy; therefore, is getting it back. You know the saying, “What goes around, comes around.”

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,

    I second what Tunis said about being friends with a co. Allah tells us who to be friends with. He says, don’t take those outside our rank into our intimacy.

    You know that your co (the one who married 2nd) means you no good. Therefore, there is no need for you to befriend her. It may make matters worse to try. Perhaps, down the road, later on things will be different. However, now, is not the time.

    We should do things seeking the good pleasure of Allah. A wife shouldn’t try to befriend a co-wife to please their husband or to look good in the sight of the other wife or anything else.

    Allah tells us to investigate. You know enough from the mere fact that the 2nd is acting out, because you’re on the scene that you need to stay clear of her. She’s not coming to you for your help or anything that is good, which tells you what she is about. It’s one thing to struggle with adapting to polygamy, and it’s another to act out and attack or be nasty.

    If you find that down the line, she one day want to do good and be friends because you all have the same goal, which is to obey Allah and enter Jannah/Paradise, then by all means embrace her as your sister-in-faith. In the meantime, be cordial as in give and return the Islamic greeting. Be pleasant and leave it at that. Insha Allah, in time, she’ll get better and will stop her evil ways. Just because she’s that way today, doesn’t mean it’s the way she’ll always be. It could be her personal jihad (personal battle) or not. Allah knows best.

  • anabellah

    June 24, 2017

    Shona, As Salaamu Alaikum ๐Ÿ™‚

    Along with Tunis and Gail, I’d like to welcome you. It’s wonderful to have another woman who married in the order of third here with us. We hear all the time from women who married in the order of first and second. A couple of wives who married in the order of fourth have been here, as well.

    Tunis and Gail gave you wonderful advice. As Tunis mentioned, it’s important that you believe that Allah is your protector. Believe that anything the other wives set out to do to harm you will be to no avail. They’ll be on the receiving end of the evil that they wished for you.

    Belief is so important. If you think that those evil doers could harm or hurt you, which you do by the mere fact that you brought it to our attention, it would hurt you. It’s hurting you already that it’s on your mind. I like writing this because it’s a reminder to me to check my thoughts. A thought may cross my mind from time to time that someone could hurt me in one way or another.

    We mustn’t think that those people who practice secret arts, voodoo, witchcraft or whatever else is out there, can harm us. Not to say that those things don’t exist and aren’t real. They are.

    As Tunis stated, we must seek Allah’s protection from it. Seek refuge in Him. Pray to Allah for His protection.

    There are specific Ayat (verses) to recite with regard to it. One is Surah 113 – al- Falaq or The Dawn. Insha Allah, recite it during each salat (prayer).

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Ma sha ‘Allah
    Gail,

    You have said it all… Indeed she was princess of the house until I arrived, she is not in good terms with the first wife either. You are right, “until her husband pick the Queen of England ” u really cracked me up omg… indeed I have been in U.K. For almost 12yrs, I’m a big threat to her. She think she has lost her husband, walahiee since the begin of Ramadan my husband is wit them, which Is okay with me, but if it was the other way round it will be a problem. But as u say my sister I’ll take that advice be quick learner. I know how much my husband love me, will do my thing and look up to him and leave the rest for Allah (swt) who is the best protector.
    Jzk

  • Gail

    June 24, 2017

    Shona,
    Welcome to the blog I am Gail.So u get along ok with the first wife but the second wife doesn’t accept u..I would say this is normal to be honest because until u came along the second wife had the status in her mind that she was special u can say.The first wife may not have an issue with u simply because she went through all the emotions with the second wife and Polygamy and now the second wife has to go through knowing what it feels like to be in the first wife’s shoes which is NOT fun.I would suggest to you to be a quick learner and ignore as much as u can the second wife’s negative emotions because it’s not u personally she has issue with it’s more about her own emotions and she would be upset if your husband had picked the Queen of England as a 3rd wife understand?Thats my take on your current situation.

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Wls sister Tunis,
    Jzk for your advice. Well here in Africa as long as you are not a “secret wife ” u must have to met your co-wife, due to family gatherings, wedding, naming ceremony and etc… Before I got married, my husband call me and introduced me to her over the phone we greet each other nicely for her she thinks her husband was joking, the reason why I choose him he’s very religious and pious well learned. And Allah (set) choose him for me first. He didn’t tell his wives after our wedding he discussed with them 2weeks before our wedding, after the wedding take place the second wife park her belongings and ask for divorce that she will never accept another woman in her husband life. Here it’s not easy to divorce so easily particularly when children have involved, so my husband parents and my cowife parents has to come together to help bring her back. Wahliee sister I’m praying hard and I’m so nice to her I have never show her any hatred, when ever my husband comes over she will call say all sorts of rubbish. She has one problem she’s very jealous so she won’t be easy to ge over it. As u said I shd be very careful and continue to pray.
    Eid Mubarak To U All!!

  • Tunis

    June 24, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Shona,

    Ahlan wa sahlan…welcome and be comfortable. Yes inshallah this forum will be a great support and inspiration for you.

    Sister that is the best thing to do..is to seek protection from Allah from their mischief making… thru prayers and duas. Don’t fear that junk..dont give it the time of day…dont dwell on it or believe in it..it is forbidden anyway fortune telling..it will be the co sisters lose, to fall into such things.

    Now on handling a co wife/wives…I cant help you there..but other sisters can ..but I have a question regarding cowives that I have been wanting to ask

    It seems that a lot if not MOST of the polygamous women here(unlike ME) know of/about OR met/talked with OR one wife wants to meet the other …OR confronts the other with anger/saddness…etc etc…so when you say one of the co wives doesnt want to accept you…how is it you came to know this? that she feels this why?
    I ask this cause Im wondering maybe isnt it perhaps better for co wives not to meet or even know to much about each other..keep things separate…IF YOU CAN..OR is this coming from the husbands insisting they meet or us wives curiosity/jealousy ?
    My husband does not want us(wives) really to get into each others lives (wives)but seems he wants to keep us separate..maybe for the time being ..I dunno..and maybe I think it is better this way..if a man can manage it like that…but yes I know it all depends on the dynamics of all relations involved..so each is different ..I guess.

    I mean..do I need to get to know my co wife…is this left up to my husband ? cause he dont want either of us asking questions about each other…so he says to me. Im not gonna insist either. Mostly, because she is not up in my face or lives near me..but I also dont have any bitterness or anger or meaness towards this woman…she is a sister in islam married to the same man..our husband.

    But my advice to you is to stay clear of her..fear know one but Allah..if you fear their fortune telling..you make association..shirk..
    Your co wife does not accept polygamy really…and digging a hole for herself..just be nice to her if you come in contact..there are many duas to make yourself..no one needs to make them for you…just you.

    Well im off to bed now…2 more hours to go and up for suhoor

    Happy 29th Day of Ramadan ya’all !

  • Shona

    June 24, 2017

    Salam….
    Alhamdulilah it’s good that I have found this website, by reading most of the stories Walahie it gives me, courage, patience and strength. Jzk to all u wonderful ladies out there and to the owner of this website. I got married (7) seven months ago and I’m the (3) third wife, to be honest my husband loves me dearly and he has a high respect for me. My problem is the second wife of my husband can’t accept me and the sad thing about us here in Africa they like going to fortune teller and They can do any kind of “Fitish”… I didn’t grow up in Africa I spend most of time in the western world, but I’m very good with reading the Quran. All I have is Allah (swt) I pray Day and night for protection. I need more advice how to handle my co-wives, cuz two heads is better than one.
    May Allah( swt) make it easy for All Us. Amin

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    It’s kind of interesting how our lives are so similar. And we’re nearly the same age I’m 25 lol!

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I lived through a similar situation as yours except my father was not polygamous. He was very abusive to my mother, they would beat each other up nearly every night.

    My mom stayed for the same reason as yours, the kids. Now my dad was a very loving and affectionate father he loved his children more than anything on the face of this earth but the way he treated my mom made me hate him for years even after his death it took me a long time to forgive him.

    He also had a mistress, but I won’t go into that. My point is polygamy is not the problem, the man is the problem. I would’ve preferred for my father to be polygamous than to have an illicit relationship outside of the home that ultimately could have caused all of us to have all types of diseases.

    i feel pity for him now because on the day of judgement he will come face to face with everything he did. Unfortunately he was adulterous and that’s a major sin. I would have preferred him to be an unfair polygamous man than and unfair adulterous man. One is worse than the other. And I feel this way because I know whether he was polygamous or monogamous he had some major character flaws. He wouldn’t have been fair or kind to my mother either way.

    It’s been 12 years since he passed and I’ve come to terms with everything. I’ve made my peace with it and With him. It all serves as motivation not to take the paths he’s taken and to treat my mother like the amazing woman she is until she too passes away.

    The best you can do is try to help your mom out of that situation. Polygamy is not the issue here your father is the issue. But if she doesn’t wish to leave than there’s no one to blame

  • Marah S

    June 23, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I share many of your sentiments about the husband being kind to his wife or wives and considering how his actions will affect them before going into polygamy. I also understand why you got so worked up reading the stories of some of the women on this blog, sometimes I read what my sisters are going through and I cry too and just make dua for them. And I’m sorry for what your mom has been through and the trauma it has had on your family.

    We could preach all day and night about how the husband needs to do this and do that. And how he needs to be considerate before entering polygamy and everything else you said that are very valid points, but there aren’t a lot of men here to hear it so it would be like talking to a brick wall.

    The thing is the vast majority of people on this blog are women who want to stay in their marriages. some of us are in really bad situations where the husband is not at all treating us how we deserve to be treated, while some of us have decent husbands who try to be fair and we recognize the pain that we’re feeling comes from ourselves. I can speak for myself, that I will not tell a woman to leave a marriage that she doesn’t want to leave herself, unless she’s in a really horrific situation.

    I don’t think that anyone on this blog believes that what a lot of men are doing is acceptable or a good thing. Or that any woman should be treated unkindly or unfairly and just suffer silently. But if a woman wants to stay in the marriage for whatever reason the best we can do for one another is support one another and give each other advice on how to deal with our situations in a practical way. For me that means focusing on Allah and finding peace of mind and heart through rememberance and worship of Allah. There’s no benefit on telling someone to remain angry, dwell on their situation, hate their husband, hate their co wife, and continue fighting their husband every day until he starts acting right because it’s not going to work.

    I’m a strong believer that Allah can change the hearts and situations of people and also give them a way out of thats what’s best for them. But how can we expect Allah to help us and remember us if we don’t remember him. Turning to Allah for help is always the first step in finding a solution or a way out of a bad situation.

  • Gail

    June 23, 2017

    Ana,
    In regards to what I was going through at that time in my life back in 2012.I was under a tremendous amount of stress in my life.My husband hit me with all his nonsense about him and excowife and them using me for immigration(although at first he denied it but later on he admitted it)While in Pakistan that same year I ended up with a double lung infection and was so ill I started coughing up blood.At the same exact time I was just barely starting to heal and I got news while in Pakistan my 1st husband who was diabetic had went into a diabetic coma and was not expected to live(which as u know he did end up dying)I was married to my first husband fro 15 yrs and my oldest son was from that marriage.As if all that was not bad enough the day before I got the news my first husband was in a coma and not expected to live we paid our air fare back to USA.We booked nearly a month in advance so I ended up stuck in Pakistan not being able to get back to USA and I was sick with worry because my oldest son was only 17 at the time and he was living with my exhusband in another state from where I lived.To top it all off unknown to me my husband and son were living hand to mouth and the electric had been turned off and my son was living without electric in the home.When I found out I was mortified at what was going on because my exhusband came from a pretty wealthy background.His parents were millionaires and his parents had died like a year before and I knew he had got in inhertence.What I didn’t know was my exhusband spent every last dime of it and gave alot of his money to friends in forms of loans which not a one of those so called worthless friends bothered to give my son back the money his dad loaned them(my exhusband was the type to blow money and never save for a rainy day).U might have remember me saying not sure but my exhusband ended up being in a coma for a month.As soon as I hit USA soil I ran and grabbed my son and we went to the hospital.At that time in my mind I had expected him to live(I guess I was in denial)but when I go to the hospital and saw him I knew instantly it was over.I told my son to tell his dad goodbye and at that time he broke down and wept and figured out his dad was not going to make it.My husband told my exhusband we were back from Pakistan and he didn’t have to hold any longer he was free to go and not to worry about his son that my husband and I would look after him.As if things were not already bad enough I kept hearing my exhusband talk to me.I was sitting in a chair next to him crying when my son was out of the room and I just kept hearing him say my name and he said promise me u will tell(insert my son name) about the REAL ME!At first I ignored but his voice became so strong it wouldn’t stop and finally it really got my attention and I asked my husband do u feel anything.My husband said Yes he is here I shot up and opened my exhusbands eyes and asked if he could hear me and a tear came from his eye.I couldn’t figure out what was going on logically speaking but again he told me to promise to tell our son about the Real Him(who he really was) and I said ok again in my head but this time he said NO say it outloud so I know that u understand.I don’t mean to make light of the situation here because it was seriously the lowest moment of my life but I was sitting there having this insane moment with my exhusband who was in the process of crossing over and he was demanding I say outloud what he was telling me and I was like Whoopi in Ghost getting upset and I finally blurted out what he wanted me to say and he was satisfied as much as a person could be after I stated what he needed me to outloud.At that moment is when my husband told him he was free to go we had our son and he was safe etc..We said our goodbyes and left(I would have stayed until he passed but because of family issues and us just traveling from Pakistan we decided it best to just go.We got the call early the next morning he had passed away.Looking back now it was amazing that he held on for us to get back.I will never believe that he held on for a month and died a few hours after we went to see him and wish him goodbye.But nevertheless it was a nightmare at the time and as if that was not bad enough within the year I would loose my Grandmother who raised me(she was my rock)so for all these reasons I found myself in that deep dark hole.
    I never understood Suicide but I do now.I don’t condone it at all but I do believe people find themselves stuck in a place they can’t escape from and I totally get it.The struggle is real.

  • Rosa

    June 23, 2017

    Wa alaikum salaam
    It’s all good sis

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    Rosa, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I still don’t know what caused the malfunction with regard to some of the features on the blog that went missing. Insha Allah, I’ll get it figure out soon.

    About the Pakistani Post/thread, I don’t think we need to put anything additional on the home page. If you look at the “Popular Posts” on the sidebar, you’ll see that the Pakistani post is always listed there as one of our most popular posts. I think it’ll suffice. Thank you for your recommendation, nonetheless. I appreciate people reaching out with ideas. I appreciate your suggestion.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    novelknot,

    I know you won’t get this post until later. I just read your post that gives more background information on you and your family. It’s interesting that you asked in one post, how long your mother must endure the “test”. Well, you said, “My mom has family, theyโ€™ve always had their door open to her and us. They donโ€™t like my father and what heโ€™s done โ€“ and they donโ€™t even know 10% of the actually.”

    She had a place to go. She didn’t need to intend to stay in that abusive relationship. There are women who stay because they have no place else to go. There was a means of relief available to your mom. She had a door open to her and you kids. If she didn’t want to leave and didn’t make her intention to leave, then it makes sense that she is still there in that abusive marriage. Allah doesn’t change one’s condition until they change what is in their heart. It’s what He says.

    Your mom said a bad dad is better than no dad for the kids. I beg to differ. How was having him there beating the crap out of her and treating her badly helpful to you kids? You all were traumatized and scarred by it. It will affect you and your siblings negatively now and in the future, as well, if you don’t seek help from Allah with regard to all that you have lived and witnessed.

    She didn’t want to live without her husband and a father for her children although he was, and is one of the worst type of husbands and fathers that a woman and children could have? She lived in a house with a non-Muslim who he had an adulterous relationship with (his other wife) who continued her non-Muslim ways. Again, she had some place else to go and take you children with her.

    novelknot, who is to blame? Your mother can’t put all of that on her husband/your dad. She has to be held accountable as well. I don’t know if she thought that enduring that type of suffering made her pious or what was going through her head.

    Allah says that when an oppressive wrong is done to us, we should not be cowed, but defend ourselves. Based on all that you’ve said, I don’t see that she’s even attempted to do it – defend herself. I’m sorry if any of what I said is way harsh. It’s my thoughts on the situation, based on the little that I know.

    You said men shouldn’t engage in polygamy if it hurts a first wife. Well, your dad was having an illicit relationship with that woman up until recent years. So it goes to show it had nothing to do with polygamy, but with the type of man that he is. It’s about his character and disposition.

  • anabellah

    June 23, 2017

    Gail,

    The way that you described is heartfelt to me. It give me the chills. I can’t recall ever feeling the way you described. I’m sure that if I had, I’d remember it.:-( Thank God much that you’re out of it. Thank God much that we’re at a better place. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Gail

    June 23, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    Your Welcome! One thing I would like to mention to you as well is that once i pulled myself out of that dark hole and it closed up.I have never found myself back in that hole.I think once u start to heal from your own grief u will see the same thing happen.The best news of all is remember that stupid black hole won’t last forever Thanks G.D!
    Yurlaynis me working through my grief by forcing myself to only morn and cry in the hours I allowed myself was one of the most important life lessons I learned about self discipline and control.

    Ana,
    Yes I did tell my black hole story on the blog several yrs back.I wish I could explain in more in detail or even better I wish I could have some mental health professional explain what I was going through at the time because it was such a dark hole and I swear it felt as real as being in a deep dark well not being able to get out.I mean it felt as real as u and I.It sure didn’t seem like my imagination at the time although it obviously was.I know I am so thankful G.D delivered me from that nonsense! I can sure remember at the time feeling so alone and abandoned by G.D and crying from my soul at the amount of emotional pain I was in.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Gail,

    I like the story of how you were in a hole and was able to climb up out of it. It’s an amazing story, and I’m so glad you shared it. I think you may have shared it years ago, as well. I somewhat remember you speaking of it. It’s an inspiring story.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    Have a good night. I was going to finish up a post/thread and call it a night, as well. Good talking with you. Insha Allah, we’ll talk again soon. Oh, sorry for all the misunderstanding one another and the confusion. We’ll get it together, Insha Allah.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Anabellah,

    I meant it’s a choice in the way you go about the marriages (as in how you approach the wife/wives, etc.) – not in terms of spouses as indeed Allah chooses that for us.

    Okay, I hope I’ve cleared all the confusions that I’ve caused today ๐Ÿ˜‚

    I think I’ll call it a night now…x ๐Ÿ˜ด

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    About the Quran telling us not to cause someone pain, I don’t know where you’re getting that from or what it means. No one should intentionally go around hurting anyone. It falls under being just and kind. No one should go around slapping another upside the head; stabbing a person with a knife; calling someone offensive names, cursing someone; telling the person she’s a fat, ugly dog, or anything like that, for example. Those type of thing cause pain inflicted by another.

    What do you mean about causing a woman pain in a polygamous marriage? The pain that a woman feels in a polygamous marriage is a different kind of pain. If the wife is feeling some pain in her heart, it’s because of something going on within herself. If a husband marries another woman, which Allah decided and it causes the wife pain, then she rejects Allah. She has a diseased heart. It’s not the other person’s doing. The husband didn’t cause her pain, nor did anyone else. He simply did what he was decreed to do. She needs to self-analyze why she has a problem with it.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Anabellah,

    Our story a long and confusing one, I will definitely share but I think I’ve wrote too much already today ๐Ÿ˜‚

    My mom has family, they’ve always had their door open to her and us. They don’t like my father and what he’s done – and they don’t even know 10% of the actually.

    Now that I’m older (23 years old) I tell my mom that she has the right to a peaceful life, she’s endured enough.

    She believes that Allah chooses our marriages and this was her destiny. She feels that she was destined to live a loveless and terrible marriage, that this is either her test or punishment. Believe me she a firm believer in Allah not just in deeds and actions but in mind too.

    Also, her main reasons for staying with my father were that she thought us having any type of father was better than having no father and also that she doesn’t know anything else in life. She’s been in this situation for so long, she doesn’t know anything else. She thought that just because he’s a bad husband to her, doesn’t mean that her kids should be deprived of their father.

    My sibling and I were born and raised in the US and my family has always been here. My dads never abused us physically, but he has said some very mean and hurtful things to us even as little children. For as long as I can remember, he’s been all about his second wife. Like I said earlier, she was his girlfriend for many years and wasn’t a Muslim until she married him official a few years ago. Even know she’s not a practicing Muslim, still lives how she used to.

    I’m not looking at this experience being a problem with polygyny in general at all. Even if my dads was monogynous, things wouldn’t be much different.

    I know other marriages that are polygynous as well and they’ve got loads of problems too. I guess my point is that often the way that women (first or second wife’s cause order doesn’t matter) are mistreated (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc) in these marriages is sad. Good Muslims, should be kind, compassionate and considerate of everyone – especially those in their families.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    I’m a bit confused. In the last post you said you agreed that Allah chooses our spouses, now you’re saying it’s about choice. I don’t want to get in a debate here about whether Allah chooses or it’s a choice for us. One believes what one believes. I was just wondering which one you believe. Some believe it’s a choice. Some don’t. It’s okay. It’s a topic (free will or not) for discussion on another blog, not here.

    I will say that if anyone, the man or the woman, finds herself in a polygamous marriage, it’s because Allah decreed it. He made it happen. He decided it. He decided the spouses would wed each other and He determines if a a man is polygamous or not.

    Abdullah_Pakistani has now said that he won’t become polygamous, not now, nor in the future. That is his intent. Allah knows best what Abdullah_Pakistani is going to do.

    I agree with you that a man should be kind and compassionate. Allah tells us to be just and kind. He tells us to be compassionate to the believers and firm with the unbelievers.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Abdullah_Pakistani,

    It’s funny how I wrote all that just to get the same point across that you’ve so eloquently summarized in this one post! ๐Ÿ˜‚ one happy wife is better than two angry ones! And believe me it’s not Pakistan, this is a universal phenomenon. I live in the US and know families practicing polygyny face the same problems and end up unhappy haha.

    I’m glad everything’s worked out for you and you’re happy in your heart and decision. May Allah bless you and your amazing family.

    It’s nice to see good men like you, there should more. Wishing you all the best!

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    I apologize for misunderstanding. I can get with you when you say that the husband should give his first wife consideration. After all, Allah instructs us to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. How many people do what Allah says? Look at the sad state of affairs that the Muslims are in globally. All the negative things that are happening to masses of them. It’s for a reason. A lot of Muslims just aren’t doing what Allah says, if they even know what He says.

    I agree with you that it’s important for the husband to consider his first wife and talk to her about him taking on another wife, because it will affect her. It’s one thing to consult the wife and another to get her permission. It’s important for one not to confuse the two. Talking to her about it is important and a husband should do it. Nonetheless, it probably won’t make much of a difference, as most women are against polygamy. It will have the same initial effect. Of course, doing it on the sneak tip or down-low will only compound the problems for the husband and the wife.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, you write with passion too. Nice posthttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Thanks for sharing about all the factors that helped you come to the conclusion that you intent not to marry again. I’m glad you found the blog helpful, as well. It’s nice that you’re still here with us.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    It’s very sad to hear what you, your siblings and your mom have been through. Does she not have any family members who could help her? Has she no where to go? I mean, did she have no option whatsoever but to stay with him and go live in the other wife’s house? There are so many question. I don’t know what country you live it. I know here in the States, we have shelters for women who are in domestic abuse situation. There are agencies that help women leave abusive marriages and relationships to get on their feet. It’s for women who are single in relationships or married (and it’s monogamous marriages). The children go to those shelters with their mothers. Some of those women leave the shelter and go right back to the abusive husbands or boyfriends. Some stay in abusive relationship for years and years and years. The point is, it’s not about what type of relationship it is – whether it’s a dating relationship; a man and woman who live together without being married or a marriage that is polygamous or monogamous, it’s about the people.

    You’re looking at it being a problem with polygamy. It appears to me that the problem is with the type of man that your mother married. It’s his disposition. He’s abusive, mean and tyrannical. It’s not that he is polygamous. It could be the same had he been in a monogamous marriage and just had a mistress on the side. The only difference would be that he wouldn’t have forced his wife to go live with the mistress.

    You sound to be an older child; is there anything you could do where you live to help get you mother out of the second wife’s home?

    No one knows what it is that you mother is going through, whether it’s a test or a punishment. I know Allah’s promises are true and he promises the believer comfort and ease. They don’t have to get to Paradise to get it either. They can have it in this world’s life and the best in the Hereafter. Perhaps your mother thinks she’s doing all that she she should be doing to worship Allah, but maybe she’s trying to be obedient to her husband and it’s not about Allah. Belief is very important, and it’s not just about offering salat, fasting and such. One must have the right belief as well as righteous deeds. Belief and righteous deeds gets one to Paradise/Jannah

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 22, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister NovelKnot!
    You write too passionately ..
    Jazak Allah for your time and suggestions, I will bear in mind what you said and try to do the needful In Sha Allah.
    I have no intention of taking up a second wife anymore not now and not in the future.
    I was stupid to think that the second wife would be like a younger sister to my first wife and a little mommy for my girls!!
    I can Alhamdulliah afford to rent them separate homes BUT I thought keeping them under one roof would make their bond more stronger and help the second wife learn Islam from the first wife. My sister who is a Scholar told me they can have independent portions within the same home with separate entry and exit and separate kitchen, washroom etc.
    THATs HOW I LOOKED AT THINGS UNTIL I WAS HIT HARD ..and I came to realize my dear wife was not willing and this would cause her immense pain.. at first I thought she would get over it but her sadness grew on her till she no longer looked or acted like the carefree, smiling, beautiful confident woman I so adored ….
    I looked around helplessly and sought answers from scholars, my father, my sisters, my friends but no one could say I was doing a wrong thing until Allah SWA guided me to this website ..
    I looked around and read with sorrow and disbelief at what some of my sisters were going through and had endured …
    I sought their experianced counsel and finally I made up my mind to never marry again …
    NOT BECAUSE I COULD NOT AFFORD Separate homes
    NOT BECAUSE my dear wife is still traumatized ..(its been more than 3 years since the last still birth and I took her to Haj in 2015 and we came back at peace Ma Sha Allah)
    NOT BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID I WOULD treat anyone including my daughters unfairly .. or let them feel the slightest change in my love and affection for their mother or themselves … I even decided to work from home to give them more time and involve my first wife in my business to keep her mind busy and feel that I have full confidence and trust in her and her abilities ..
    I started going to bed with her one , two , three times a day before ramazan and at-least once every night during ramadan ..
    My dear wife in here distress asked me to purchase for her an apartment for her daughters and herself just in case I lost myself to the second wife and I promised to put every single penny that I had (roughly 250k USD in form of investments except for the business since I have partners) in her name since Allah SWA had blessed us this money together and I had no claim on it alone … I have faith in Allah SWA that He alone is the Provider and the second wife will bring here own sustenance with her ..

    TAQWA necessitates that I stay the hell away from polygamy while living here in Pakistan.. there are more chances of hurting others ..
    I WILL NEVER EVER TAKE UP A SECOND WIFE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WOULD LIKE TO SIMPLY BECAUSE ONE HAPPY MERRY FUN WIFE IS BETTER THAN TWO ANGRY, SAD ones !!!
    I do not know how long I would be in this world and I have never ever intentionally hurt anyone and now at 40 I am not going to hurt the ones I love the most … May Allah SWA always keep them happy and grateful Ameen ..

    That is my story and May Allah SWA accept me and all of us from among the grateful servants, from among the content servants from among his pure hearted servants .. Ameen
    So when we leave this world we are greeted with ..

    “Ya Ayyatuhan Nafsul Mutmainnaah Irji’i illaa Rabbiki radhiyah tam mardiya, Fadkhuli fii ebadi wad khulli Jannati ” Al-Fajar 89:27-30

    AMEEN YA RAB

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Ababellah,

    You’re right – Allah selected Prophet Mohammad’s wives and he selects our spouses. What I meant by them needing each other and choosing to remain in polygyny is exactly what you stated. I didn’t go into detail as you did but believe me that’s what I meant. My point was that it was all for a purpose. And the purpose was Islam and its message. My point was that the purposes of his marriages were for a greater reason – not for his own reasons. I’m sorry for not being more clear or coming off incorrectly in the post.

    My only point in all these posts was that it’s not so terrible for a husband to take his first wife’s feelings into consideration when making decisions about second marriages. She should a person of consequence in his life. He doesn’t have to completely disregard her in order to exercise his rights. That’s all.

    I’m not trying to step on your or anyone else’s toes or defy Islam and the Quran. That’s want my idea or intention.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Ana,

    I do believe that Islam is a way of life and dictated by the Quran. I’m not saying that the first wife should be jumping for joy and only then her husband can engage in polygyny. Or that the first wife can dictate whether the husband can get a wife or not. That’s absolutely not what I meant. I apologize if it appeared that way.

    Yes the Quran allows polygyny. But it’s a choice. It doesn’t say that it’s the recommended or the only way to go about marriage. Monogamy is also an option. And the Prophet was a great example and teacher of how to practice both.

    Keep in mind that my post was specific to Abdullah_Pakistani and his situation.

    What I was was trying to say is that it’s important to be a kind a compassionate human being first. It’s takes great responsibility, strength and respect from all parties to be successful in such a lifestyle.

    Let’s put the topic of second marriage aside. Doesn’t the Quran also say not to cause someone pain? Not to the reason for their tears and grief? To be kind and compassionate. To consider the greater good above your own wishes. So why does this not include your wife? Shouldn’t you be all these things and much more towards your significant other? If you know that a decision of yours will destroy your wife and she won’t be able to bear it, why would you put her through that? If you know that she’ll end up suffering through your marriage (whatever her reason be for staying), shouldn’t you feel any mercy toward her? Shouldn’t your relationship with her mean something to you? If don’t care to consider her thoughts and feelings, how will you be just when you bring another wife into the mix? That’s what I meant in my earlier post.

    I’m not against polygyny, it’s in the Quran and to deny it would be a grave mistake. But I do believe that not everyone is cut out for it. If polygyny isn’t in the best interest of all parties involved – it’s probably not the best option. And a man should consider this thought before embarking on this lifestyle. That’s what my message to Abdullah_Pakistani was about.

    I know this blog focuses on women in these marriages and how they should get closer to Allah. I just wrote all this for Abdullah’s situation specifically. I want trying to take away from the message of your blog.

    All the reasons you mentioned for why Abdullah_Pakistani should not pursue the second marriage had to do with consideration of the second women mostly. Why is it so wrong to also consider the first wife’s feelings? We know what’s she’s been through yet, that can easily be placed aside. She’s just expected to suck it up, so that her husband can have a son. And while it is ultimately the husband decision to get a second wife – I think a good man would look at the collective overall picture (which includes his first wife). Thats all I was saying to Abdullah_Pakistani. He can get married to whoever and whenever he wants without any permission as he’s a man – but evaluating the impact of his decisions on his first wife, will set him apart as a good man.

    I’m glad that you’ve been so welcoming, I was a bit hesitant at writing here at first. It’s great to hear different perspectives they give a different way to look at things. Thanks ๐Ÿ˜Š

    And I do believe that there is something to be said for kindness. There’s a manner and logic needed to go about things. In life. If you’re a good human being and Muslim, you’ll consider your spouse before making such big life decisions.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Anabella,

    I completely understand where you’re coming from and 100% agree with you.

    Someone else’s actions can’t be controlled so there’s no point trying to do so. And yes, times like these bring is closer to Allah and help us understand our purpose in life. Insha Allah may we all continually strive to be good muslims and enter Jannah.

    Although it shouldn’t be your main purpose, marriage is an important and integral relationship in life. One shouldn’t just strive for Allah and just remain in a unfulfilling marriage because they think that’s their purpose. I think it’s okay for women to feel hurt in these situations – after all they’re in situations that they did not choose but their spouses brought upon them.
    It’s not easy or good to just remain in a marriage but turn away from your spouse in hopes that God will help you. You need to help yourself as much as you can – then leave it up to Allah. This could mean staying in the marriage or leaving it. Whatever is more reasonable for the woman.

    For those women that do choose to stay, think about why you’re staying. There could be many reasons or only one – but I think it’s important that one of those reasons includes love or respect for your spouse. Otherwise it can be a very tough and suffering life.
    You should absolutely turn to Allah and get closer to your deen in such situations.

    I’ve never been married but I grew up in a polygynous household. My father got a second wife after having 4 kids with my mother. He cheated with his other woman for years while she knew about my mom and us. We endured a terrible life by their hands. All because they were selfish and put their lust and relationship about all of us. Not only that, he’s been physically, mentally and verbally abusive to my mother all these years. He’s taken away her home and forced her into his and his second wife’s home. My siblings and I have all grown up and she now lives her life there raising his kids from his second wife and taking care of their home. My father and step-mother treat her like a maid and babysitter. He thinks it’s his right to use her as he pleases because he’s given her his name and paid for us kids. He doesn’t provide her with anything except for food – and he claims that he is her master since her provides her food and his home to live in. She endures his and the second wife’s romance in front of her face constantly. My father hasn’t had any sort of relations with my mother in years. Just the other day my father and his wife lied to my mother and went on a date as they often do. She never objects or says anything cause she believes it’s pointless. This time, she said to my father that he doesn’t need to scheme unnecessarily – they could have just told her the truth and she would’ve kept their kids as she does all day anyway. He didn’t like that – so he beat her badly in front of the second wife as he usually does. Cursing and saying terrible things about her – saying that she’s jealous of the other wife when she’s so below her. The other wife is way superior to her. Countless stories like these make up my childhood.

    I hope that my experiences and insight help you see things from a child’s perspective that grew up in polygyny.

    My mother was very young when she got married and spent her whole life being a good mother, wife and Muslim, following the same path and ideology that most of you brave women here have taken.

    But so many Year have gone by and to no avail. it’s heartbreaking to see her so lonely and sad in life. Yes, she’s gotten much close to God and thinks she’s enduring her test, but for how long? This test has taken her youth, her time, patience, years, tears and so much more. All that’s left of her is a shell of a person. Yet, she continues to hold onto her faith and remain close to Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Novelknot,

    I have to disagree with you where you stated, “Prophet Mohammed didnโ€™t marry women because he wanted kids/sons from them. He married them to help them. And thatโ€™s another reason why all his wives chose a polygynous marriage โ€“ they needed him and knew about his other wives needing him as well. Thatโ€™s why they were all okay with it too โ€“ it was the best solution for their situations”

    First, Allah selected the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives, the same as He selected all our spouses for us. The Prophet’s wives were known as the “Mother of the Believers”. Allah instructed him that he was not to exchange any of them for other wives, nor divorce them. Furthermore, Allah commanded them not to remarry after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left this earth.

    The marriages were said to bring people/tribes/families together in Islam. It was not as you said, that they agreed to polygamy because they needed him. Allah provides. It was about Islam and worshiping Allah for all of them.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    You said that if the first wife is truly okay with polygamy then it’s okay for the husband to go ahead and take another wife. That’s as far as I’ve gotten in reading your one post. Well, are you making up your own rules? If a man waits for his first wife to accept polygamy before he goes ahead and marry another woman, then there would be no polygamy. Allah has allowed polygamy. What are you basing your beliefs on? It can’t be Islam. One really needs to be Muslim to understand that we just don’t go on theory, philosophy or what we think it should be. Islam is a way of life and it’s dictated by the Quran.

    The reason most here encouraged Abdullah_Pakistani not to go ahead with marrying the other woman was because he knows good and well that the majority of Pakistani people follow culture and not Islam. He knows that if he marries the other woman, the Pakistani people would scorn and reject her in Pakistan. Her life would have become a living hell. It was the primary reason for the discouragement. It didn’t have anything to do with his wife rejecting polygamy, as she had agreed for Adullah_Pakistani to marry the other woman although it was probably killing her inside. Another reason we discouraged the marriage was because he intended to house his wives in the same dwelling, which is unIslamic. We considered the fact that his wife lost four sons. She was trying her best to give her husband a male heir. That on top of what else I mentioned, would probably have destroyed her, physically, psychologically and emotionally.

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I’m glad you didn’t find my words too harsh and understood what I meant. Just like anyone else here, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you advice and a different perspective. ๐Ÿ˜Š

    I read your post from 6/19/17 as you suggested and have gained so much respect for you. Not only did you step back and analyze the consequences of this decision for yourself and your wife, you also considered the sister in question. That’s the first right step. You then proceed to be understanding and unselfish regarding all parties involved. Your points were well thought out and reached the best logical conclusion.

    1.) Your wife’s not cutout for a polygynous relationship – that’s something many men miss when going about this processs. They just know and understand that it’s their right to marry again. Yes this is a fact, there’s no questioning it. But it speaks volumes of a man’s charecter and judgment when he is willing to exercise his rights regardless of whom his actions bring pain to. For example, freedom of speech is a right – but would a good person (regardless of religion) exercise this right in a situation where it’ll bring immense pain to someone they’re supposed to at least respect (if not love)? I’d also like to point out, if your first wife is heartbroken and your marriage with her will be negatively impacted by your second marriage, why go for a second marriage? You’re not going to gain an additional wife this way, you’ll just end up losing your first one. Now if the first wife is truely okay being in a polygynous marriage – then that’s great and you can expand your family by bringing another wife into it. Although not usually the case, there are times where all three parties are interested in a polygynous marriage because it’s in each of theirs best interest, so it’s works out great. Remember, polygyny is supposed to be a solution for all those involved – not a problem.

    2.) It’s very sad and painful to lose your children. Who would want to go through that – regardless of the child’s or parent’s gender. But you have to realize, these tragic experiences are more painful for your wife than they are for you. A mother’s bond with her child is the ultimate. You’re feeling devasted about this – so imagine that pain 10x – that’s what your wife feels. These children were growing inside her, they were a physical part of her. She gave birth to them and had to lose them. On top of that grief, she’s dealing with the fact that she wasn’t able to fulfill these pregnancies and it has gravely impacted her marriage. Not only did she lose her sons, she’s losing her husband too. He’s planning on getting another wife because she couldnt’ successfully give him a son. How can you overlook all the other amazing experiences with her for this one loss? All those other great times and blessings shouldn’t be outweighed by this. I can’t image what your poor wife is going through – it’s terrifying and heartbreaking. I’m sure she’s at her lowest, most insecure point and fragile point. Instead of trying to find another wife, you should’ve been her pillar of reassurance and support. It is up to Allah to bless us with kids and he has indeed blessed you. Whatever he does is for the best. Prophet Mohammed didn’t marry women because he wanted kids/sons from them. He married them to help them. And that’s another reason why all his wives chose a polygynous marriage – they needed him and knew about his other wives needing him as well. That’s why they were all okay with it too – it was the best solution for their situations. You have to understand that a child is in a man’s destiny – if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, nothing you do can make it possible.

    3.) Your idea to help the other woman find another suitor is a noble and generous one. It’s a great idea to help her out by recommending other potential suitors. Her goal is to get married to a good man – it’s doesn’t matter that it’s not you, so why not help her find someone else? During Prophet Mohammad’s time, people were so decent that even after their divorces, they were amicable and civil with their exes – unlike today where divorce is looked down upon and means war between spouses. People need to understand that just because you’re in a relationship or love someone doesn’t means that it’s the best for both of you. But that’s a topic for another time. People back then used to find and recommend potential suitors for their ex spouses! It’s best for you not to marry this woman, so if you can help her or a friend of yours out, why not introduce them? It’s the best way to go about it.

    4.) Your wife is the most deserving of your consideration and it the right way of the TAQWA. That couldn’t be any truer. The other woman means nothing to you yet and you also mean nothing to her. There is no legitimate relationship between the two of you so, this not working out doesn’t ruin either of you. Many suitors come and go in people’s lives, it’s not a big deal at all. You end up marrying whoever was in your destiny – and god has blessed you with an amazing life pattern. So be that for her as well – a partner. You can’t shove your wife’s emotions and needs aside for a potential suitor – she doesn’t deserve the heartbreak on top of everything else she’s been through. Like I said, if your first wife is destroyed by your second marriage, you’ll still only end up with one marriage as your first wife will be damaged ireerphencibly. If you truely love and respect her, how can you be okay with that? I think that deep down – a good man couldn’t be. Say you had gone through with this second marriage, I think all 3 of you would’ve ended up unhappy, not to mention your daughters. So you may or may not have gained a son – but at what expense really?

    My last piece of advice is that you should be the example of a good man for your daughters. Believe me, only loving them isn’t enough. Your character and decisions shape their opinions of marriage and men. Do you want your daughters to believe that no matter how good a person and wife she is, her husband should replace her if she can’t give birth to a son? Do you want them to think they are so easily replaceable and worthless in the eyes of a man? Would you want their future husbands to move them aside for another wife for any reason? These are all things you should consider. Teach your daughters that a man can be noble, righteous, loving and caring. That a good husband doesn’t abandon his wife emotionally or otherwise when the going gets tough. Teach them that they deserve men who will love and cherish them.

    You’re a good man, don’t lose sight of that above all else.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    NovelKnot,

    Here is the link to Abdullah_Pakistani’s post that he referred to, which should answer a lot of your questions.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Anon,

    If you’d like to share about the polygamous marriage that you were in, feel free to do so when and if you are ready. It was nice of you to input. I’ll give a little feedback on some of what you’ve stated. One response will be in the form of an article.

    First, it’s important for you to know that here on this blog, we don’t focus much on what the husband does that is wrong, because we know a wife can’t change him. It seems a waste of time to DWELL on speaking about a husband’s wrongdoings. It could amount to man/husband bashing, which simply is a waste of our time here. Furthermore, it would be a waste of time because not many husbands are here to hear it and learn from it.

    Mostly, we’re a support group for the women (and men) to learn about themselves and be with people who are in the same boat – same type of situation or about to be or one day possibly will be. It’s so that like-minded people (striving to enter Jannah/Paradise) could be together, as well. Our goal is to help one another to accept our purpose in life, which is to serve and worship Allah and not try to oppose Him with our desires. Again our focus isn’t on men who engage in polygamy the wrong way etc.

    People who read here are going to hear heartbreaking stories because, as I stated, it’s a support group. It’s what the blog is for – to talk about issues that women are dealing with in polygamous marriages. I’m sure if one were to go to a regular marriage support group one would hear heartbreaking stories and those of sorrow, as well.

    I just get the feeling that you’re speaking in hope that you will let women see that they don’t have to be subject to such ill treatment and the like. Most of the women here know that. Most aren’t trying to cater to man as in husband, but learn to focus their attention on our Creator-Allah and grow nearer to Allah and away from their husband. I think it’s important that I mention it.

  • Rosa

    June 22, 2017

    Novelknot welcome

    That was a very heartfelt , eye opening post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 22, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister NovelKnot,
    Please read a small post that I wrote on 19th somewhere below and do tell me if I am doing the right thing…
    I appreciate all that you have written and find your words coming from a gentle and pure heart.
    May Allah SWA reward you and bless you more and more.

    Ameen

  • Yorlaynis

    June 22, 2017

    Gail, thanks so much for sharing your dark hole story. I like how you just took control and made a decision to not think about it but giving your self 12 hours to do so..sometimes I wake up thinking about it. I woke up yesterday and said to myself, that is it, I have to get a grip. Today I started getting angry about something he did and I said no, just remember Allah so I started repeating one of His names. Each time the thought came to mind about the situation, I would repeat Allah’s name.it seemed to work! Maybe Allah will send the help I need because He promises to help those who help themselves. Yourpost made me realize that it’s not just prayer, we have to work at it and God blessed you with the rope to pull yourself out once you stayed consistent.
    I’m going to try some of your ideas. Thanks Gail!

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    novelknot,

    It’s okay. No problem. There was no confusion. I figured you were trying the name out to see if there would be a malfunction again. I just needed to make sure and thought it a good time to put the reminder about usernames out there for all, as well. It’s nice that you are here. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Karima, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    It’s so good to hear from you, my dear sister. Thank you for stopping in and for the lovely reminder. Yep, we only have a couple or a few days left of Ramadan. I have some sadness about it, as I’ve come to enjoy the peaceful atmosphere and the special protection that I feel during this blessed month.

    I pray all is well with you and your family. Thank you for letting us know that you’re still with us. Remember, we’re here if you feel like talking, and it doesn’t matter you sound like a broken record LOL

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hi Ana, sorry about that. As I explained in my email you, I posted as Anon before subscribing to your blog. Now that I follow it, my account and username will be attached to my posts. Sorry for the confusion

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Just a reminder to all, please only post using one username. Thank you!

  • novelknot

    June 22, 2017

    Hello Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I’m new to this blog but you’re post stood out to me and I hope you don’t mind my input. Please don’t take my words to be harsh, I’m just giving my perspective.

    You say you love your wife and she is dear to you. Then how can you not consider her pain and feelings regarding your potential second marriage? The second wife is not even in the picture yet, but in your mind your word to her is already greater to you than your first wife’s feelings and heartbreak. What about all your vows and words to your first wife? After all these years of sticking by your side, does she not deserve any consideration?

    You say you can’t bring yourself to retract your offer and you’ll marry her no matter how much your first wife begs you not to. Does your first wife not deserve any mercy or kindness? The idea of a woman who’s not even your wife yet has influenced you to be inconsiderate of your first wife. That’s already injustice. The other woman won’t be as affected because if you let her go now, she has the potential to find another suitor. You don’t owe her anything yet and she can still make a clean break if you let her go.

    I can only imagine the pain and anguish your first wife feels. If your decision to marry again is killing her…does that not bother you?

    Yes polygamy is allowed in Islam and yes Prophet Mohammad and his wives practiced it successfully. Being so pious, even they had their moments of jealousy, doubt, unfair love, etc. But what people fail to realize is that his wives were okay with polygyny because they wanted to be with him and knew that with each wife came a revelation or reason. Bottom line is, they were willing participants in the lifestyle.

    But in these cases where the first wife does not want to partake in this, her husband should either be considerate and loyal to her (if he loves her). Or, (if he feels he can do without her) he should let her go. Don’t keep them in limbo. Husbands should not force their wives into this lifestyle. It should be a voluntary choice for her. If she’s going to have to suffer through it because she loves you, have mercy on her and spare her of this hardship. If you’re a good Muslim and a good man, how can you cause your wife such immense pain only because you want to enjoy another woman?

    And as far as your daughters go…let me share my story. Maybe it’ll help put things into perspective for you.

    I grew up in a polygynous household. My father chose to marry a second wife. I’ll spare you the years of pain, tears and agony my mother, siblings and I lived through and continue to today. But what I can tell you is that my image of my father has shattered being a daughter. Don’t get he wrong, he tried to be a great father to us, and in his mind he is. But what he never understood is that his relationships with his wives impacted us too. You can’t separate the father from the husband. After all, it’s the same man.
    His decision to marry again killed my mother and us. As a woman, I just can’t find any compassion in him when he shows me love, because I know he didn’t show any to my mother. It’s a constant struggle for me even today at 23 years old. I can’t help but resent him for being so callous in his greed for wanting a second wife. It doesn’t matter if he says that he did care about my moms feeling or not. Actions speak louder than words, and his action of taking another wife while my mother was shred to bits and pieces, shows what he thought was worth more to him.

    What men don’t realize is that when they do this to their first wives, the first wives literally die. They might stay in the marriage for various reasons, but the woman that’s she was prior to her husbands choice, literally dies. She molds into another woman after being in polygyny. And what she becomes, all depends on how gravely the situation impacts her and her ability to cope.

    So, if you’re going to go through with this and overlook your wife’s pain, heartache, etc. just know that the woman you know her as know will die. She will change into something else after this decision of yours. It’s inevitable. And what she’ll become, neither of you will know until it happens.

    If you don’t want to change the woman that she is, don’t make this decision. And if you are willing to let go of the woman she is right now, only then proceed.

  • Anon

    June 22, 2017

    Hello,

    I’ve recently come across this blog and I have to say, its been interesting. First I’ll start with saying I’m going to refer to this as polygany – as it’s just the man in multiple marriages.

    When I first read some of these posts, I was so upset and cried because everything seems to be so much tougher on women in polyganous marriages. And I have personal experience of being affected by one.

    Wives. They’re supposed to come to terms with it, endure the test, endure the punishment, become closer to Allah, not give the husband a hard time, not be insecure, not be upset by a co-wife, the list is endless. I understand that polygyny is allowed by Allah and was practiced by Prophets including Prophet Mohammad. But that’s not the point. Just because it is allowed, doesn’t mean men should just go haphazardly about it. Which is what a majority do today.

    To me, I think that it is unfair to expect all these things from wives and no responsibility be put on the husband. After all, a husband should be considerate, humble, compassionate to his existing family before he decides to bring any others into it. It’s his decision of polygany that is altering the lives around him. If he isn’t responsible and mature, how can a wife be expected to just silently endure and not even be hurt and upset? That’s just cruel.
    If a husband isn’t kind to a wife he already has, how will he be fair and just when he brings another one into the picture? Or if he secretly gets married and the second wife is aware of the first but not vice verca, that’s also unfairness right off the bat. His first wife is unaware while the husband and the second wife have a secret
    together. The bomb is eventually dropped on the first wife and she’s just expected to deal by herself? Also, a lot of the times, the first wife enters a marriage understanding and being told that it is monogamous. Where as a second wife typically enters knowing about the first wife and chooses to enter polygyny. That’s makes the status of both wives different. For one it’s a choice, for the other its not.

    I feel that a man is the biggest player in this game and the way he goes about it is the key to the game. It’s all in how he approches the wives about polygany, how he treats them, and how understanding he is of the great responsibility and maturity that’s needed for this choice of life.

    Sure we use the Quran and noble people like the Prophet and his wives to idealize polygyny but let’s be realistic. Even a perfect being like the Prophet and the Mothers of Islam had they’re problems in Polygny. How can we even consider husbands today, who are typically either average or below average to such righteousness people? The prophet’s wives had problems in polygany but it was his personality, humanity, kindness, etc. that motivated his wives to stay with him. Husbands today don’t follow much of these ways of the the prophet yet they’ll be the first to use him as a justification and example for wanting to be polygamous and having they’re wives endure it.

    Just things to think about I guess. Another perspective in the mix.

    Anway, all you women are incredibly strong and brave for bearing through this and it’s amazing that this test, punishment, or choice (depending on how it came into your life) has brought you closer to Allah. That’s the best thing, but please don’t forget that you are also a human being. You have all the same emotions, wants, and needs as your husbands. Your are as deserving of love, appreciate and a good life. It’s not your duty to always serve and sacrifice for your husband’s pleasure wants and needs. He wants more from life so he gets another wife. You’re also allowed to want a good life. You shouldn’t have to just bear and pass life by thinking it’s a test. You deserve peace and happiness. You have every right to go about in search of that as well. It may mean different things to different women (some might decide they what to stay in polygyny because they love their husband he’s a good and worthy man, or some might decide that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that they’re good and right for you). I hope you all find peace and happiness. Stay blessed, Ameen.

  • Karima

    June 22, 2017

    Salam my Dear Sisters

    Ana i am so touched by Your Last post to Azam! Sisters here are sooo wise Mashallah. Im happy to see a Brother too around. Ramadan is soon to be over….let us try n get closer to Allah if possible ( This is a REMINDER FOR ME mostly )
    Cant Thank You enough Ana for this blog.

  • anabellah

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,

    You mustn’t beat yourself up. You were in love and you trusted the man because he was kind to you and your daughter. Now your eyes are open as to what is going on in his life and that he puts his blood family and culture before anything else including you. Don’t be ashamed. We all make mistakes. One saying I state often is that we live it (life) and we learn it.

    The good news is that you’re a new Shahadah (took the oath to be Muslim). It means that all the sins that you committed before taking the oath were forgiven. You’ve got a new, fresh start in life. WOO HOO! ๐Ÿ™‚ It should make you very happy. You’re married as well; although your husband is: I don’t even have words for what he is ๐Ÿ™

    Be happy, Azam. Don’t rush to decide anything. Take time to read the Quran, even if it’s just a few ayat (verses) a day, preferably during Fajr time; make sure you offer your five daily salat prayers; pray to Allah for guidance to show you what to do and to help and protect you. Spend a lot of time talking with Allah. Take all your complaints about your husband to Allah.

    Don’t spend so much time trying to figure everything out. Look into all your different options. The ladies here have given you good suggestions. You’ll be inspired as to what to do. What’s for you will never pass you and what passes you was never for you. Take it easy…

  • LittleSecret

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,
    How are you now? I understand that you push your marriage to him even you knew that he is already married because you invested your time and love on him for 11 years. Its a long time that you have build your plans with him and he even took care of your daughter. I know he loved you, still loving you. If not, he will not marry you. Maybe he had reason on lying, maybe he doesnt want to give you up but he can’t also refuse to marry a relative. And given he can keep you both by marrying you, he did it. But he can’t provide for you now. Ask him to atleast provide you home, like as Gail said, go and ask him for mobile home. If he cant pay for your other bills, at least give you an abode. Don’t rush on making decision, take time to pray and ask Allah’s guidance on being wise. Don’t make decisions when you’re angry, think of it. If you divorce what is the benefit? If he don’t contribute much in your life that you think it’s ok to lose him, go. But you will be alone, and your daughter will be away from you, considering you are ill. It will be hard. At least having a husband, there is someone who can look after you, check for you. Maybe you need time, both parties to adjust. You’re still in the trasition stage of accepting the marriage, (for you and other wife). You have tried for 11 years, so maybe a little time to try again and fix the issues would help. And try not to be away with your daughter, she is the one you will have, when everyone leaves you.
    Keep the faith. Take care sister.

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    U were talking about a dark hole and that caught my attention.Girl I lived in that dark hole for 3 years and let me tell u it was HELL.I will never forget it…. I kid u not that hole felt as real as anything I ever felt in my life.I lived in that dark hole for at least 3 yrs.I remember thinking I will never get out of this d@mn hole.On good days I could see my husband and kids at that top of the hole and my husband would throw me a rope and when I would get almost to the top he would cut the rope or I would get tired and fall back down.Those were the days I would just look at him and think to myself and think my husband is a monster…I had random thoughts that went on like this for yrs and I remember for the first 6 months I had to keep a towel next to me because I couldn’t control my weeping.I wept like someone had died because someone did die… and that someone was me.When I found out my husband and inlaws had lied to me and used me for a greencard and my cowife was a liar as well I just couldn’t believe people like that truly existed and I had married someone like that and had a child with him.I felt like Allah/G.D HATED me! It felt like the worse punishment and I couldn’t imagine why I would be given such a horrible fate!
    I will tell u how bad I truly was.I had to make a plan and force myself to stick to it.I made a plan to cry and think about what my husband did to me.I think I started out at 12 hours but I can’t remember now but the thing was I would feel sorry fro myself 12 hours and cry but the other 12 I could not think about it… When I mastered 12 hours I would say ok I will do only 10 hours and when I mastered that I kept going down.When I got to an hour a day I said ok now when I have thoughts to feel sorry for myself I will turn them off because I had mastered to turn away from my negative thoughts.As I was going through this process something amazing happened to me.My husband and I and the kids were going someplace and all of a sudden I seen this bright light and I heard a voice say take the rope and climb out u have been set free.I took the rope climbed to the top and was out of that hole and right before me as we were driving down the road the hole was gone and I knew I had been set free from that hole and I was never going back there again! I don’t know if your dark hole is the same as mine but when u talked about a dark hole It caught my attention for sure!

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Yurlaynis,
    U hang in there your going to get through this.U seem like such a sweet lady.It might take a little time but your husband will come back around.There are alot of things u can do on your part as well like make him his favorite meals and do like picnics/snacks in the bed,watch a movie together etc.. make your time with him fun.I don’t know how long your cowife and hubby have been married but I would say as long as u are invested in your marriage try to keep him interested in you is my advice because it’s obvious your cowife is doing her best to keep him interested in her know what I mean? I’m not saying compete but don’t be to complacent either is what I am saying.

  • Gail

    June 22, 2017

    Azam,

    Listen don’t beat yourself up over your husband.Look it’s a good thing u came to the blog because I think it helped u to see what is really going on.Her obviously don’t want u near his wife because she and the baby is where his true loyalty is at and that’s ok because now u know.U are going to be just fine.U just need to focus on you and your daughter at this point.I am not saying to divorce him but go forward with open eyes and make your husband pay for decent housing for u and your daughter.Please think about saving to purchase land for u and your daughter as well.Don’t get to down on yourself because life is full of trials u will get through this.Don’t let your husband make u feel like less than a wife and don’t u think less of yourself.My advice is leave all the emotional stuff to the side right now and just focus on making the best life for u and your daughter that u can.If your husband is not fair with you then that is between him and Allah is the way I see it.Hang in there your going to come out of this a stronger more mature person.

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    Flower,
    I really love your responses, they’re so comforting! Yes inshallah I will continue to stay on the site to help get me thru..I love the reminders of Allah.
    Yes my husband has said how can he be in 2 places at one time. I think a man goes where he gets what he wants. My mother who was in polygamy many moons ago said you can’t take it personal. Men are this way by nature and they have no idea what we are going through. I try to be loving but due to some very difficult years we experienced, kind of broke me and I am not the same so I assume that she is sweating him and giving him attention that I sometimes have to think about giving. Not to bash men but they tend to hurt you and forget about it and don’t understand why you don’t love them the same. They get mad that you’re mad that they hurt you. ..not in all cases but in some. I feel messed up that a man can get married on top of a broken marriage which meand his new wife is his outlet while we’re left with the pain of the marriage and the new marriage. I began to think maybe this is the case for me.they don’t have baggage, pain or hurt between them so he goes where he gets the attention and sweating. I’m just rambling at this point https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • Azam

    June 21, 2017

    Thank you for your kindness.
    I did convert about 4 weeks ago, but I have read the Quran 2 times and now play it on my phone, and I am re-reading it as well. God told me I have more to offer the world as a Muslim than just being the Christian I was, so I converted that day with witness. Yes, it hurt me to find out the man a have been waiting on was actually married to someone else. I felt disgusting, like a who’re! I apologized to his wife so many times and tried to help her understand I knew nothing about her or the baby. I did tell her that he helped raise my daughter for the last 10 years. I told her just to help her understand I was not just pile of trash. Then his brother came to me with the idea of becoming the second wife and I accepted. I thought about the alternatives, and I thought this was the best thing I could do so I could make sure my child was taken care of. I also brought it up to the first wife, I asked if she would accept me, I would not take anything from her household, I could always be there for her, help her go places, help her with appointments, and the child. At first she said “I accept you” later on she said for our husband to bring me to their home and ask her if she would accept me, she said because she wants her family to know how bad they made her life…. they fought all night! Today he informed me that he did not want me to move to the town he works out, I asked him do you want me to get the divorce, he said I don’t know what our child (she’s 16). I told him I was fine before you came along, I will be fine if you want out! Then he told me told me to file the paperwork to change my last name to his last name so I will have a Muslim name. He is fine with me living 2 hours away, and putting me up in a hotel then sending me on my way!!!! But he promised the day we married I was moving to that town…..i am not making any choice until Ramadan is over. But I realized that EVERYTHING he promised me, he has with his first wife, I can not trust one word that comes out of his mouth! My heart is so broken and I am ashamed.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis.

    From your comments you seem to have your head on straight. You know and are doing the things you need to do. It just takes time sis. Two years in polygamy is not really that long, although I know it feels like a lifetime. I remember husbands and co’s 1 year anniversary I was kicking myself that it had been a whole year and I hadn’t progress further than only crying for like 10 hours a day instead of 20. I felt like I’d wasted a whole year completely obsessed with polygamy. I can tell you there was no overnight change in any of my feelings or thoughts. It was a slow process, agonisingly slow. But Alhamdulillah I got to a good place. Talking here will help a lot I think. You can get off your chest things that you’ve not be able or not wanted to tell anyone or you could write down your feelings. Sounds crazy but it really helps. I’ll guess that non of your thoughts or feelings are new to any of us, were all human after all.

    Your husband is right on one thing though, we do see things the way we want too. Funny story that happend to me. I asked husband to go somewhere with me, he said yes but it would have to be a later time since he had something to do (I never asked what) i wrongly assumed it had something to do with co, so I voiced that and basically went on a tirade of crazy. I blamed it all on her and her demands and said he wasnt being equal. He sat and listened, then told me he wasnt taking me anywhere, that she had also asked him to go someplace and when he said he can’t she blamed it on me, saying he’s showing favouritism, and now we can both be EQUALLY pissed off, lol. Moral of the story, we can be so wrong a lot of the time. Plus, it really bugs a husband when the wives blame every little thing on the other wife/wives.

    You said your husband prefers to go to your co when he is sick. Could it be that her house is quieter. It may be something as simple as him just getting some quiet rest and may have nothing to do with the co. Iv never know anyone to be all that interested in other people when they’re sick, most of the time we just want to lay down and feel sorry for ourselves, lol.

    Ahhh, yes. The dark hole. Climbing out of that dark hole builds character and helps us work on patience, not only with our situations, but also with ourselves. God willing, soon you’ll be able to notice when your heading towards it and take a few steps back. At first I could recognise it but didn’t have the strength to pull myself back, id even say to husband that im losing it again, id get serious anxiety. Your not alone sis, you’ll always have Allah who sees all and knows all and you have us to remind you of that. As long as your doing right in the religion, you wont be wrong. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    Rosa,
    thanks for taking the time to even respond and giving advice. I understand you were trying to help the best way you know how. Its really not a fun space to be in. Are you a first wife? I know that my self is the biggest battle to fight and even thought I try, i feel like i fail every time. LIke, I am fine one minute and the next IM in a dark hole. I find myself begging for forgiveness because I cant seem to get passed it and I want to so badly.
    Unfortunately I have no interest in building a relationship with her based on some things that I know and thats another thing I know that I need to get over. Like some real hypocrisy stuff. she does things that she would never have accepted from a co… I know the day will come and I am ready to confront her about some things.
    I just thought today that this is just my test and not hers. she gets what the Lord gives her and its just the way it is. I have so much work to do and its depressing sometimes. My only hope is that Allah loves when we call on Him and that it pleases Him to know that I do call on Him, want to be better, and look to Him for help. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Tunis

    June 21, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum

    I would like to thank you Rosa, Ana, Marah S, Serena, and Flower for you support and advice. Jazakallah

    Inshallah I will do better each time….thank you for the reminders and being here for me. Allah is Good !

    May HE bless us all and give us Layla til Qadr and nearness to HIM.

    I love ya sistas !

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Marah S

    If and when the time comes I think you will be well equipped to handle the situation because you’ve been on the blog reading and giving advice for so long. Maybe try not pushing your husband away too far. If he wanders in that direction on his own accord then alhamdullilaah.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Apologies if I came off too harsh or blunt. Reading your post reminded me of myself in my earlier days of polygamy I remember being stuck in that comparison mode and worried who my husband loved more. I needed someone to yoke me up so to speak lol. But I don’t want you stuck there it’s such a painful place to be. Your co sounds to be really immature and I also sense insecurity from her part like why does she have to do all that extra stuff…weird. You’re doing good by not letting her see you sweat? Do you ever approach her and try to talk out yall differences and find common ground especially since you mentioned your children she uses them. Does she have kids? If so maybe yall should find a way to put whatever aside for them. It’s crucial the kids have healthy sibling relationships in my opinion. I think Gail would agree

  • Marah S

    June 21, 2017

    Sigh, I get so sad reading about everything all you ladies are going through.

    Sometimes I wonder why I ever got married in the first place if it will ultimately lead to heart break. I inticipate the day when my turn will come, when my husband will pop the news that he’s getting remarried. Sure he loves me now, but what about in 10 years when he gets bored and I get pushed to the very bottom of his list.

    At times I envy women who remain single their whole lives and never have to deal with the stress of marriage, I live in a country where I don’t need a man to take care of me. I have a degree I can get a good job and take care of myself.

    I used to love my husband so much, he was my world we couldn’t be apart for more than a couple hours and I would’ve done anything to make him happy and keep his love. It was a beautiful thing being so in love but I was also so scared of losing him to another woman some nights I couldn’t even sleep.

    Now I find myself so guarded. I’m just focused on myself, my baby, and my afterlife. I spend most of my time learning my religion. In one year I finished memorizing half of the Quran and I feel so much peace being more detached from him emotionally, but I know he notices the change. He asked me the other day why I don’t like spending time with him anymore.

    I don’t know how to answer that question https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Yurlaynis

    June 21, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum
    wow, so much to respond to! I received such great advice and I appreciate it. AbdullahPakistan, thanks so much for your male input! its always nice to have male perspective on this matter.

    It will be hard for me to address what each person said but everthing was well noted. Flower I really loved reading your soft spoken post! It was really refreshing.
    Someone said men need their space and I do agree. My husband is a natural loner and prefers to be alone. I sometimes think that because he and I have been together for over 10 years, he is more comfortable with me to take rest. Meaning if he needs a break, he will take a break with me because I wont fuss. Our schedule did change when she came along, we had a very active and healthy personal relationship so the aspect of women who want more when the husband gets married again is not me. However I have seen that in other situations. One lady I know accepted whatever from her husband, including living conditions. When he remarried, all of a sudden it was abuse. But anyway, I cant remember who said it but I am not the one to fuss and I suppose the other does so she gets her way, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I do approach him about things and he says its in my mind and i only see things as I want. The thing is, if I know for a fact that he frequents her house more than mine, then why wouldnt I think she was preferred. when she is home and when she isnt. when he is sick he wants to be with her. sometimes I had no idea he didnt go to work because he was at her house sick. He told me once how he turned back around because he felt ill that day, but it wasnt my house even though he came from my night. I am just stating facts and I wanted to just try once again to accept things as they are, as Allah has them. I am tired of myself always feelign down about it or at times being obsessed with the fact that he prefers her more. Im just at a point where I want to move on. I fear angering Allah by being so consumed with human and not Him. So I try but I wanted to just express myself and get feed back. The struggle is real.
    Gail, you are so funny. I always enjoy reading your responses. I do ignore her tactics and she likes to go through my kids and say things to people she knows I talk to. Sometimes it does get on my nerves but I dont want her to know she got to me so I never strike back as people say I should. I think its petty and ridiculous. I feel too old for that and while she seems to like to compete and let me know hes her husband, I dont have an interest. I just wanted to get a different perspective on it. Someone mentioned she must be insecure, and maybe she is.
    Ana, thanks for your input.You are so right about test from Allah. How it wouldnt be a test if it wasnt hard. I guess
    Allah is testing me with my weakness, what hurts the most. I guess He is telling me something. He knows I really do try hard. I am always praying to Him and I ask Him to please help me in ths test that He put me through and to help me accept it. Its easy to say but hard to do. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif
    Again thanks everyone! Please make dua for me, especially when for those who is breaking fast to remember me when you do.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis
    About the schedule. Sometime we think that a husband is only ever trying to appease the other wife/wives. Often he’s trying to make things easy for himself, polygamy is hard work so i dont blame them. It may be that he says youve given up your nights when u are away because messing with a schedule causes a lot if problems in all households. It would probably take more brain effort and unwelcome responses than he wants. Iv noticed my husband HATES thinking about making up nights, and altering the schedule. If both wives are relatively happy, he doesn’t want to mess it up. Even if one wife is happy and he knows if he changes something she’s going to lose her mind, he’d rather not. Remember no man likes to be around an angry woman. It’s for his benefit really.

  • Flower

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Assalam alaykum. Welcome to 411. All the sisters have given you some great advice. The honeymoon period lasts in till the couple have to start working on the marriage instead of it just flowing easily without much effort, because in the beginning the couple are usually very merciful and easy going.

    I assume you’ve been married for a good few years and in that time I’m sure you’ve had periods of lots of intimacy, not much intimacy happiness, sadness, times when you don’t want to be apart and time when the further away the spouse is the better lol. Your co’s marriage will be no different. All marriages have their fun easy times and no so fun, easy times. It’s part of marriage.

    About him stepping on the floor. I know a couple where the husband always sleeps on the floor due to back problems, they have young children so I assume they are intimate. Sometimes a marriage can get to the point where both party’s are so comfortable and secure that they don’t need to be in each other’s pockets anymore. The marriage is established, they’ve no intention of leaving each other and they just get on with life.

    I used to think that husband would do anything to stop my co from complaining and making accusations about him being unfair. I brought it to his attention and he told me if I wanted more from him then I need to ask and let him know and of he can fix a problem he will God willing. When I heard that I concluded that I just complain less, so he thinks everything’s good, and carries on. Religiously complaining less is a good thing, so I didn’t mind that, that’s what Allah willed me to be like. It’s much better to act right religiously that it is to get your own way and nag all the time, husbands get real tired of that.

    I noticed with myself and a few other women that the wife who wants/needs to be the favourite is insecure in her marriage, to a wife being the favourite means if he has to chose, he choses her. But don’t have to chose between one or the other, that’s the beauty in polygamy. He wants to be polygamous, he can’t do that with only one wife. Even if a wife knows she is favoured it still brings the question “if I’m so favoured why does he want another one” it why we need to leave the favourite issues alone and get on with enjoying our husband/marriage.

    I really liked Rosa advice to you, to grab a pillow and join him on the floor. I’ll add that the next time you are intimate try something new (sexy underwear, different position etc) it excites men to get something they never bargained for. Even if he does feel guilty (as Ana mentioned) men’s desire for a woman who given him the ‘good good’ will overcome that.

    There is a chance that your husband doesn’t know details of his other marriage effects you negatively, maybe you could just let him know your still dealing and he could try and call it down a bit. Also, whatever platform is being used by the other wife to rub details in your face, stay away from it. She must be hurting and more than likely insecure to need to put it out there like that. Remember she will want to establish her position as wife, it’s normal and God willing, she get to place where she doesn’t need to do that anymore.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 21, 2017

    One more thing I forgot to mention is that Allah SWA has made Men and women different. We can have climax almost every time and we peak much early and stay there for quite some years while a woman climaxes less often and peaks in her thirties much latter than men so your want for intimacy will grow over the years and that of your spouse my be receding .. you got to discuss this with him and tune him up so he is good for service at a time where your requirement is increasing and please know there is no shame in it …
    My dear wife miss informed me and we lost a full decade acting on assumptions, half truths and some plain lies … stupid woman this wife of mine … long story I will tell some other time …

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 21, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Yurlaynis,
    I read you post today and wanted to suggest a few things.
    1- No matter who gets married first the condition for equality becomes valid the instant there is more than one wife, there is no honey moon period where the husband is allowed to violate this pledge of equality.
    This pledge of equality or being just comes into effect when he takes up a second wife. This pledge is between the husband and Allah SWA Who has explicitly and clearly stipulated in the Quran that if you marry more than one be just and if you can not be just it is better (for your Deen Dunya and Akira) to have only one.
    SO TELL YOUR HUSBAND TO BE JUST
    2- Secondly spending nights is also about sex, what nights is this husband of yours giving you by sleeping on the floor! He might just as well be sleeping in Timbucktoo.. tell him to consult a Sheikh as to what sharing nights mean ..and fear Allah SWA, who is he fooling?? !!!
    3- Allah SWA has made polygamy halal as it comes naturally to men who can please and satisfy more than one wife at the same time. When my wife asked what will be the schedule I said I will give one the mornings and one the nights meaning both will get some action on daily basis … it is not impossible it is something you can achieve with a healthy life style and diet..
    During this Ramadan after Isha or Iftar I started going to my wife .. with out missing a single day, right from the first ramazan, no matter how tired I would feel, it was more relaxing than resting and you know what happened ? She got her biological clock changed and got her periods ten days early leaving me in a lurch in the last Ashara of Ramazan.
    4- You got to be absolutely honest about your feeling with your husband there has to be not hijjab between the two of you. Tell him when he married this new wife. Your share went from 100% to 50% and second wife went from 0% to 50%, you deserve to be consoled for losing a half of what you were blessed with and this new wife should be thankful for being blessed with a husband ..so tell him to be just to you more and you deserve his kindness more since he has taken from you and given it to this new lady and still he is such a nincompoop that he feels he should be more sensitive about this new lady..
    I pray you are able to make him realize of his shortcomings as a polygamous husband and suggest to him some good aphrodisiac …

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    I like that everyone shares their view as there is so much for us all to learn from one another. The blog is a wonderful place. I pray Allah is well pleased with us.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    What you’ve said makes sense sis thanks for shedding light on another perspective

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    I think sharing a husband tends to bring out the worse in wives, regardless of what order they married in. There’s a lot to it. The problems are real with regard to the wives competing and being rivals.

    For instance, a wife may all of a sudden want more intimacy with her husband now that he has married another woman. It’s doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It could make her marriage better. It’s just important that she realizes what has taken place and why she’s acting as she is. She can’t expect that all of a sudden her husband is going to be all into her now while he’s getting all into another woman who has just become his wife. Yet, there are men who can do it, but there are some who can’t. The husband may have to step up his game and satisfy both women when he thought he’d only have to satisfy the new comer as the other was okay with her life as it was. No one knows what to expect when the variables change. It includes the husband. What’s most important is that wives self-analyze about what they are doing and why.

    I think Azam just got caught up out there with a manipulative, oppressive, liar. He strung her along. I could understand that she was terribly hurt when she learned the husband had married another woman after she waited all those years for him. I could see why she wanted to marry him after learning about the marriage, as well. He had no excuse not to marry her, if he just married the other and could have two or more wives. He married her, but didn’t treat her as a wife. Nonetheless, it was written for her that her life would be as it was. Now, it time for her to wake up and try to get her life in order, so that she could move on.

    We know that no one has an ideal life. We do know that Allah created everything in perfect proportion.

    Now, it’s time for us to give Azam the support she needs because for us to dwell on what has happened in the past won’t help her. She erred and we all err. She got beat on by all of us here with our comments, but now it’s time for us to lighten up and try to help her. I don’t know if she’s Muslim or not. Insha Allah, she’s asked Allah to forgive her for all the wrong she’s done. We know that she seems remorseful. Insha Allah, she repented to Allah and He has forgiven her.

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Just like in Azam’s situation but reversed because she’s a second wife. It seems her and her now husband were having all types of issues throughout their 11 years but as soon as she finds out he’s married all of a sudden the conis being selfish, life isn’t fair and it’s all her fault

  • Rosa

    June 21, 2017

    Gail you have me dying laughing at your suggestions one wife should do if the other is getting on her nerves lol. I would have so contemplated doing that in my earlier days and probably carried it out, Praise to Allah He saved me the embarrassment

    I’m curious about yurlaynis after reading your post sis ana I’m wondering if her and her husband were getting busy like bunnies before he took on a second wife. Now that he has another wife it’s a big deal. As a muslima who didn’t marry first I hear all too often how couples have issues just as any other marriage would but as soon as the husband marries again all the issues suddenly originate from the co like bruh

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    About the schedule, it’s all relative. It’s the beauty of Islam. Islam is not a rigid way of life. In polygamy, the people involved in the marriage(s) make the schedule that suits them. There is no set way for it to be. They all need to agree. If they can’t agree then the husband does what he believes is right or what he’s inspired to do. He may be inspired to do wrong and he does it. If the husband does wrong, he’ll account to Allah for it. Allah is a Just God. He sees and knows all things.

    What did you, your husband and the other wife agree that your schedule would be? If it were me, and I didn’t get along with the other wife, I think the schedule would go something like this:

    If it’s a wife’s turn and she can’t be there for her night(s), then she forfeit her night(s). The schedule continues even if the wife isn’t there to see the husband. So, in your case, if you go on a trip, and the time that you are away falls on your night(s) then you’d lose those night(s). When you return, if it is on HER regularly scheduled night(s), she would still get her nights. It’s so the schedule won’t be dependent on one wife or the others personal schedule.

    Now, if the husband goes on a trip without any of his wives, then the schedule stops while he is away. It continues where he left off when he returns. No wife loses any time with him.

    So, the way, I’d work it would mean that your husband was right that the nights that he was at your house counted as your nights. ALTHOUGH, I doubt that he was at your house while you were away. Did you call him on the landline and he answered? I dunno. I can’t see how he’d be alone at your house while you were away, if he can’t keep away from his other wife when you are there. He should love it when you are gone so that he has extra time with her. He may be the type of man who needs some alone time and did sleep at your home without you being there, but I tend to doubt it based on what you’ve stated.

    There is a method to the madness. Is what you’re going through a test? It wouldn’t be a test, if all was going the way you want it to, now would it? Tests entails things that we don’t like.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    I think women who married first tend to be all over and on top of their husbands when he takes on another wife, because they become not only competitive, but don’t want to be missing out on anything. With regard to the wife who married first, maybe she didn’t care before whether they were intimate or not, but as soon as he takes on another wife, she wants to make sure she’s getting her fair share of the action too. The husband probably never counted on that. He was just looking forward to a new chapter in his life with another woman.

    Women who married first need to realize that a husband is going to take a strong interest in the one who has just become his wife. They are newlyweds. It’s what newlyweds tend to do.

    It apparent that your husband’s newly wedded wife is having some jealousy and envy issues too, which is probably why he won’t go out with you and be seen with you so not to upset her. Gail explained all too well how the game playing goes.

    It’s easy to tell someone to ignore it, but it’s the most difficult thing to do. I recommend that you re-read “Rosa’s” post as all of it is good to follow.

    You ask if it’s okay that he give you sex only two or three time a month. No one can answer that. Sexual intimacy is personal and no one can say what “normal” is or how much or less spouses should engage in it. It’s whatever is best for the spouses, what they like and what they want. Some spouses are opposites in libido. Maybe one wants more intimacy and the other wants less. I believe that Allah swt determines when and how much intimacy spouses have the same as He controls everything in the universe.

    About your husband sleeping on the floor, I’ve heard of people sleeping on the floor because they have back problems or whatever and it makes their backs feel better. I don’t have any back problem or any problem that warrants me sleeping on the floor, nonetheless, I like lying on the floor. It makes me feel grounded. I lie on the floor in my Masala sometimes and am quite comfortable there and, don’t want to get up.

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2017

    Yurlaynis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s nice you are hear, and I’m happy to hear you’ve been reading along for some time now. Furthermore, it’s nice that you’ve met some of our fabulous commentators who have given you some very good advice.

    I’ll give you some of my thoughts on some of what you’ve written, as well. Your husband could still be in the honeymoon stages of the marriage. I’m sure the time of the honeymoon phase varies depending on the persons involved. If your husband is telling you that he still loves you, and no one else can replace you, there may be no reason not to believe him.

    You said his actions don’t show it. Well, a divorce would. Would you rather have that? He could very well be head over hills in love with his other wife, feel he doesn’t want to spend not one moment without her and divorce you, so that he could be with his true love. It hasn’t happen, so maybe he is being honest with you. He loves you and wants you in his life.

    Now, about the sexual part and him sleeping on the floor, you really don’t know what is going on with him with regard to that. She could have made him promise her that he won’t sex you up. He could be over there even on your days having sex with her. It would explain why he’d sleep on the floor oppose to in bed with you. Although he could still go ahead and have sex with you, he may feel guilty about it – guilty because he may feel he’ll betray her if he sexes you up or guilty that he’s giving you sloppy seconds. I dunno. Maybe he think he’ll have a performance problem because he feels pressured to have sex with you, but he’s gotten it from her. I’m just guessing here. Have you asked him what is going on in his head, both of them LOL. Sorry, if I’ve offended anyone’s sensibility.

  • Lost Soul

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,
    One more thing, you are talking about unfairness..

    Has been unfair to you? Hell YES!! But he has been unfair to you for 11 years!!

    Seems weird to me that you didn’t mind hanging on till then. That’s all on you. You should have walked out then! Why now talk of divorce?

    Then after you found out that he got married to your co, within a month or two, you got married to him and suddenly money wasn’t an deterrent anymore.
    Who was unfair to whom then?
    Did he have the decency to inform the co? Even now Its still kept as a secret from her..

    So you see where I am headed here? You were placing blame on your co when its your hubby at fault and to a certain extent, you at fault.

    You were willing to take any crap and lies and excuses he was throwing your way, but now suddenly you feel this is unfair and that is unfair because you found out he is married to her!

    Rasila

    YOU STRONG WOMAN YOU!! Head up and keep pushing on woman. Think of this way..whatever the experience with him, you got the most wonderful gift out of it.. your child.. And it’s totally his loss!

    I always think that no matter how shitty my marriage is right now and with things headed so wrong and no matter how much hurt I feel EVERY SINGLE second and whether ALLAH decreed for me and my husband to remain together or not.. I have my child in my life Alhamdulillah.

    Stay strong and good luck on your future. He sounds like a big loser anyway and I think and hope you have a much better future without him around!

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,
    I honestly am left speechless at what is going on with u and your life.It honestly sounds like you have hit rock bottom and I am really sorry to know this.How on earth did u and your daughter end up living in a Hotel room? I also can’t understand how your husband could let u and your daughter live like vagrants for lack of a better word.
    Listen I would personally never tell anyone to get a divorce but I would tell u and am telling u if he is not going to step up and help u then leave him alone until u get on your feet.U are in a serious situation here and your love life needs to take a backseat sense it seems u are about to loose your daughter over this man and his drama.I am not blaming him totally because u had a role to play in this mess.Do u work? Does your daughter work?I think u said u have a car and he pays for that at the moment it I am correct? I know it is easier said than done but u have got to start saving to buy some cheap property.Do u get Social Security?IF u do then u might think to purchase a van to live out of for a short time until u can save up enough money.I don’t care how u have to do it but start baby stepping your way to a more secure life for u and your daughter.I mention a van only because u can save money and have a roof over your head.In your case it would be the most logical choice.It’s summer right now so if u have to sleep in a tent then do it and get a van before winter.I don’t know I feel sick knowing that your husband sees u struggling and he is not willing to step up for u it speaks volumes about his personality.I honestly think u are giving the guy way to much credit.
    If he says he is going to move u closer to him then by all means LET HIM but make him pay for your housing and bills so u can save money and buy some cheap land and mobile home.Lord I will tell u how to do it if u don’t know but don’t sit and just do nothing.Also your daughter is old enough to work part time I would put her to work part time so u guys can save more money if she doesn’t already have a job.Sorry my head is spinning with what u posted.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis,

    I can only tell u what I been through and sadly everything u are going through is basically a normal part of Polygamy life.
    OK as far your cowife being petty and that is exactly what she is doing…She is just trying to get under your skin and let u know she has the power and control.I and my cowife been there and done that and it is about as silly and petty as woman can get to be frank.Seriously if only they had plays on Polygamy where one wife is being petty to another wife all Polygamous wives would be there with a big bowl of popcorn watching the show and laughing and saying hey thats my crazy lunatic cowife or hey that use to be meee!! and just laugh and snort like pig all the way through!!
    So yeah everyone goes through the nonsense at one time or the other but u just have to figure out how u want to handle it.Alot of wives Esp up front will figure out the cowife is trying to mess with her emotions and they normally do it in a way that is subtle so they look innocent to the husband and the other wife is NUTS! But women are smart and we catch on quick to Miss Suzy HOTPANTS in most cases.
    My advice to u is ignore your cowife because all she is doing is trying to make u jealous and angry so u will fight or eventually u and hubby will divorce understand.Don’t let her play mind games with your marriage.
    Now with your husband sleeping on the floor I guess we can all pretty much assume he is trying to not be near u and making excuses.If u want to see if this is the case then go on the floor and lay beside him.If he pulls away then u have a choice to either confront him why he is not giving u intimacy or ignore it the choice is yours.I personally would force him if I needed Sexual relation to be blunt but thats just me and my personality.There is NO SHAME IN MY GAME as I always say! If your cowife gets on your nerves to much and u need to get her to back off then just pucker up and kiss your hubby and start snapping pics and send her a little gift from u to her blowing her a kiss in one hand and middle finger with the other.I always say two can play that game sister.I guess what I am saying is laugh at her silliness and be just as stupid right back to her or ignore her both are fine things to do in my opinion.As far as hubby u got to tell him straight u understand he is going through some honeymoon phase but u personally could careless and he needs to get his butt up off that floor and start ponying up!And as for missed days I don’t know if I believe he is at your home alone.Again I personally wouldn’t go for that but Ana might because she is a strict schedule person.If i were u I would check him and tell him u are not going to be home on one of his nights and come in later and see if his back has made a miraculous recovery and sleeping on your bed with miss Thanggg or if he is even there at all!
    In your case right now as much as I see it your cowife is not your problem as much as your husband is.Hey by the way welcome to the blog!

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,

    U just type to your little hearts content chickyyy! We all have been there in one way shape or form and we know how much it helps just knowing u are not alone and with like minded people.
    As far as your Pakistani husband is concerned him and his family are worthless for you.I understand now why his mother freaked out because your husbands other wife is your MIL niece and she knows she is going to have to eat alot of crow on this one.
    Your husband always knew he would be put in an Arranged marriage they all know and that is the really disgusting part because they prey on innocent females that don’t know their culture and use them for sex,greencards,secret wives….u name it.It’s disgusting because they hide behind their adorable charms and sweet smiles etc.. I will give it to Pakistani Guys they get an A+ when it comes to charming the ladies.Eventually though all that charm turns into a BIG FAT TOAD!!! The become extremely arrogant,selfish and a number one A..HOLE! Right now your selfish husband is playing yes massser to his mammyyy and MIL and other wife until the heat wears off his sorry good for nothing BUTT!
    Now see in this situation your cowife has the upper hand because she her MIL is her Auntie understand? She can cry and scream all she wants and so can her mother and believe u me they are going to milk this all they can esp… sense u have a son with him.U got to stay with the blog I am dying to know how your situation is going to play out sense u have a child and esp a son.Let me ask u is your son his first child or does he have other children by the other wife?
    I think what your husband has done to you is disgusting and if u can control yourself when and if he comes back sniffing back around your better off because he is worthless to you and your son.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Little Secret,
    That’s so sweet u were inspired by Adam to get a flying remote control Helicopter that’s to cute!

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    Another thing, if it’s about not getting enough sex you better set up shop on the floor right next to him and get what’s yours.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Lol sis ana

    Didn’t mean for all that to go down. InshaAllah things will be up n running soon

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis

    I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the fact your husband goes to your house when you’re not home and says he gave you your night although you were not physically there I’m sorry I just never heard such ludicrous before

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Yurlaynis welcome

    A polygamous husband will always have a favourite and it’s okay but he shouldn’t intentionally make it obvious. Allah places the love in the hearts, they have no control over it. As painful as it may be, you have to get yourself to a place where you are not bothered by it. So what he’s more inclined to his other wife. You should be focused on Allah and being in the good graces of your Creator. Running after your husband will only turn him further away from you. Take that energy and direct it to worshipping Allah and in return your husband may start to love you even more. Be grateful you have a husband. Take the cards you were dealt and make the best of it. There will always be some imperfection in our lives. Some have the white picket fence, the career the husband but want kids but can’t have them. Some have all those things but the children may not be obedient to their parents. I’m saying this to say, count your blessings. Allah can take your husband from you tomorrow then what’s it going to matter who he loved more. Not trying to offend but I know what it’s like to have those feelings. Sometimes you have to rip off the band aide

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Rosa,

    I like your idea about the Pakistani post. I was trying to put a link up for it on the sidebar, but I ran into technical difficulties that wiped out my book video, the security badge and an image at the bottom of the site. I’ve summoned help from technicians, so I’m looking at a couple of days at minimum in getting things back up to speed. LOL SMH

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Azam

    Why marry the guy then seek a divorce a month later. You knew what he was about. Lying to you every chance he got. Have you ever spoken to your cowife to be certain she knows because everything you’re saying is from what your husband told you which is she asked about your cancer, she found texts on his phone, threatened him in the middle of the night etc but he is a professional liar. I still don’t understand what made you up and marry him two months after you found out he was married when yall had 11 years. What changed in two months if it wasn’t you finding out about your now cowife. It’s just not adding up. Your story gets more and more confusing. You need to cut your losses with this dude.

  • Yurlaynis

    June 20, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum
    I have been reading this site for some time now but have never posted. I really like the sister hood and finally decided that maybe Allah will help me find a source of help on here. I am a first wife and my husband took another wife about 2 years ago and I specifically came on here to ask every ones opinion on the honey moon stage of marriage, as most of know for first wives, it is one of the most difficult times for us. I dont have much experience with it but it still seems like my husband is in the honeymoon stage. He tells me that no one can ever replace me or take my place, how I should be confident in my place but his actions are different. Even on my nights, when he comes home from work, he goes to her house first. sometimes even showering and dressing before coming to mine. He also doenst care if i see them together or mention her name but he tries to avoid her seeing us togehter at any cost. Its like he hides me from her but doesnt care about his relationship being in my face. I also think she is careless when it comes to me and does nothing to guard my feelings. she does things so that i can see it and even though I understand her marriage isnt a secret, I feel that some things just arent necessary and she does it to remind me that my husband is her husband too. I already know that he is and no need to rub it in my face. Anyway, some days are ok but recently it has been kinda difficult for me. I mean, I feel like he definitely prefers her company over mine, would rather be with her than me and it makes me feel down. I always try to keep myself pretty, he always tells me how beautiful I am but walks right out and goes to her house. Its just weird. I dont wish him to be unfair to her but is it possible for a man to make both his wives feel loved and cared for? Its like he wants me to believe what he says but his actions are the opposite. How can I believe him? I just wondered if he was still in the honeymoon stages or did she just end up being the favorite and im just old news? I totally feel like a mat. Another thing is he started sleeping on the floor. I asked him why and he claims his body hurts. Weeks has gone by since he hasnt been with me. It makes me think that all his energy is saved for his other wife and gives me 2 or three times a month. Is this ok? I know a man doesnt have to be fair in his passion but does that mean to neglect one? I can totally be wrong that she is the only one getting and just assuming but he seems to go out of his way to make sure she doesnt complain that he is unfair, make sure she is secure and happy. He has always mentioned that he doesnt want to be unfair to her. One other thing that bothers me is when I am away on a trip, he goes to my house when I am not there and says those are my nights so when I return, he goes to her house because he said he gave me nights even though I wasnt home. Is that ok in Islam? I am asking because sometimes I think that I am in denial about her being his preferred wife and I am having a hard time accepting it. I ask Allah to help me to accept it but it is so hard.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    My thoughts are that you should put things in their proper perspective. If I remember correctly, in your previous posts, you said that besides him paying your car payment, his family helps to pay your bills and for medication etc. It would be foolish for you just to up and have your daughter live with her biological father, for instance, tomorrow, and you go live on the streets or in a tent or a shelter or some place like it.

    Why not continue to stay there and keep things as they are WHILE AT THE SAME TIME, look into what you could do to move forward in your life without your husband. You could look into what you need to do to obtain a divorce, as well. There is no need for you to rush into anything especially take to the streets. Come on!

    Be smart. Do your research. Find out what resources are available to you. You’ve been with the man for eleven years and he is now your husband. He’s not beating you or anything of that nature, is he? If he is not abusing you, then there is no need for you to make a knee jerk decisions now. Be patient. I can’t remember if you’re Muslim or not. Be patient.

    I know you are feeling down and upset about all that you’ve been through and are learning. Don’t be hard on yourself. It is what it is and couldn’t have been any other way. We live it (life) and we learn it. Learn from what has happen and grow from it. It’s all good.

    Be grateful to our creator that you are cancer free. Don’t stress, as it will be detrimental to your health. You said that since you’re been cancer free you feel different. Perhaps, it’s a new beginning for you. {{{hugs}}}

  • Lost Soul

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    Why would you be homeless? He wasn’t taking care of you financially in any case, accept for the car payments as you mentioned.

    If you get a divorce, you will be in the same place financially, except without a lying husband. Being with someone for 11 years and then having to leave is not easy for sure! It hurts yeah!

    But when he married your co without telling you, even after being with you for 11 years.. that should have been you UH OH moment!

    His approach to divorce seems to be the same for you and the co.

    He will not give either of you a divorce, he expects you both to apply for the divorce instead.

  • Marah S

    June 20, 2017

    Azam,

    If he’s not paying any of your bills except for the car, why would divorcing him automatically mean you being homeless?

  • LittleSecret

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,
    My heart break upon reading your post. Really really sad about it, and i can see how you are trying for your kid. I understand you to that when you were at some point in your life that you are low, he came in and bring hope and joy, and new excitement and something to look forward to. And you got attached too much that even becoming a secret second wife is your option to be with the man. I’ve been in that place too sister. It is very sad that he can’t stand for you even you have a child with him and that didnt even changed his mind to stand up and be a man for your family. I dont understand it too, that his family couldnt just accept the child, its their blood, their flesh, their family, but couldn’t accept because society set the standard and they dont want to be out of that standard.
    Yes, he just proved his family to believe that second marriage is a chaos instead of proving them that it could be successful.

    My tears fell upon reading that your son have to just wait on the parking with the nanny. And also you going to work and have to think about them always because you’re suppose to be partner is a coward, thinking first of his self and setting aside the well-being of his son.

    I am also in Middle East. Good that your mother is with you cause you really need support and specially that you just gave birth, you are emotionally unstable so just think about your baby, forget about your husband. I believe in all the hardships and heartaches you are experiencing now, God/Allah will soon give you too much happiness and blessings and will cover up all your pain, you just have to endure and trust in Him.
    Always take care, you are in my prayers. God bless you.

  • LittleSecret

    June 20, 2017

    Gail,
    Got inspired by your son Adam about some flying thing, so I bought a helicopter toy yesterday and tried it today. ๐Ÿ˜‚ Very awesome. But the thing is I cant control well, and in my mind was “oh my, certainly the young man is thousand times better than me”. ๐Ÿ˜‚ It was fun playing though.
    Hope him to excel and become a sucessful pilot someday.

  • Azam

    June 20, 2017

    I never said in any post it was his cousin. After reading all of the posts, and how unequal he is to me. I am really thinking about divorcing him. Just move on like I should have many years ago. This is not fare to his first wife, but there is 11 years worth of unfairness on my behalf! I wish it could be different, but someone stated on her that he had to know that at some point in his life his fate was already determined by his parents…. I never post pictures about anything with my life him especially the child.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Rosa,

    It’s an excellent suggestion you made to Abudullah_Pakistani and his wife, that they look into the genetic counseling that Gail suggested. In the meantime, his wife can give her body a chance to fully heal and she can become stronger psychologically. After all, she has suffered tremendous loss. Furthermore, I’m sure she went through a thing trying to cope with the thoughts that her husband may become polygamous.

    The news that Abdullah-Pakistani has delayed his plans to marry again must be such a relief for her, such a burden lifted.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Sis ana I was thinking it may be a good idea to revise the beware of Pakistani men thread because it always seems like the topic of discussion and quite relevant yet you have to dig eep into the blog to find it. Those who are just skimming through the blog may not find it. Just a thought

    May Allah allow us all to gain maximum blessings during these last few days of Ramadan

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani in the meantime why don’t you look into that genetic counselling Gail spoke of. Maybe you and your wife can try again in a few years if she wants a son as much as you do. Best of luck

  • Rasila

    June 20, 2017

    Ladies,

    Many thanks for the words of encouragement. It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I get the support from people like you ๐Ÿ™‚
    I happen to be born and brought up in the west with an Arab and Muslim heritage. I knew very little about the Pakistan, Pakistani and the culture.
    My husband is an educated person, so is his father. I honestly never expected to be stuck in such a drama.
    He was amazing. Such an amazing Muslim. I really looked up to him.
    When I got married to him I sincerely thought that this man is all I need to strengthen my faith. He knew a lot about religion and he would always quote ahadith and Quran.
    When he proposed to me and said he was it the type to mess around and he has had no relationship except the marriage he was in. I thought to myself : “is that possible? Has Allah answered my prayers?”
    I wasn’t the religious type, but I met him at a time where I was questioning myself about our existence and our Creator. I fell for him. And I fell hard.
    The problem is after we got married he wasn’t able to manage.
    hiw can a man be fair to 2 wives when one of them is deprived from the basics of recognition?? He would never take you out… cause you are hidden. He would not .

    It is hard at times. When I look Into the eyes of my baby boy and think. Are these people even human (forget about being Muslim)…
    how can they ignore the existence of this innocent creature? How can his mother and sisters know about his son and treat him like he is an illegitimate child.
    Hmmm I was fooled about his religious background. I should have known and realized earlier. If his parents were against it and he decided to hide it, it meant in a way that he supported their jaheel idea/culture.

    He used to say : “my parents don’t believe in second marriage because they have not seen it is a successful practice and all second marriage fail”..
    Well he gave his mother what she always believed.

    My mother has been staying with me. She looks after my boy while I am working. We live in the Middle East. She flew in so I could make a living.
    This heartless man has not spent a penny on us since January.
    Rent, expenses, food, diapers, medical expenses… etc etc Are all on me.
    Before my mother came I used to hire a cleaning lady to stay with my son while he was asleep in my car. They would both stay in the parking of my office. When my baby woke up and cried for milk, she would call me, I would come down breastfeed him and go back to work after he fell asleep…
    Where was he??? Where is the religious man now?? It was all bullsh!t…

    My analysis?
    This man was controlled his entire life by a dominating ignorant woman.
    She told him where he was going to study, she forced him to take the family business, she forced him to marry the the daughter of her sister. So I was The only “thing” he chose in his life. But even that he couldn’t stand for it. Once she knew. He forgot me and listened to her.

    I am sorry for the long post. But it just relieves me.
    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani should feel so good about himself and his intent to delay fulfilling his desire to become polygamous, if he’s making the sacrifice in an effort to seek the good pleasure of Allah and for the benefit of his own soul – how beautiful! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Some of the comments/posts had gotten displayed in the wrong order. It’s now been corrected.

  • Azam

    June 20, 2017

    His wife has known all about me for 2 years. She found text messages on his phone the first day she got her and once she got here, the dad didn’t like her, thought he could blackmail both of his sons for $20,000 by telling her everything about me and that we were still seeing each other (I had no clue about her, I live 2 hours, and always stayed in a hotel) yes, it is hard to trust the words that come out of my husband’s mouth, I pray about that daily. Once the first wife told me “Ok, I will accept you as a second wife ” I was so happy, I thought that meant she understood my situation. However, she woke him up in the middle of the night and said she would take the baby if he married me…. it was rough for a few days. She does not know we are married, some of his family knows and friends from back home. I actually do think about his wife and her feelings all the time, it makes him mad. This has made me realize if he lies so good to me, what does he say to her, I know she knows he communicates with me, other wise she wouldn’t ask him about my cancer situation. I secretly get on an app she added me on just she if reaches out to me but nothing. As far as why didn’t his parents just let us get married… 2 reasons, money and I was not from Pakistan!! Sounds crazy that now they are happy I didn’t just walk away, instead I married him. However, I understand things have to be equal except “matters of the heart” and I know for a fact I am the one worrying about my bills, only spending a few hours once a week with him… never over night! Yes, I have already spoke to him about getting a divorce and just moving on the best way I can. I recently spoke with my daughter’s biological father and she can live with him because she will be in 11th grade. I am going to be homeless, if you call living in a tent homeless. I might be cancer free, but it changed something inside of me and the same day I find out the cancer is gone, is the same day I find out he is married! The whole situation has made second guess myself worth. He told me if I want a divorceI have to go get it, he won’t give me one.

  • Marah S

    June 20, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani

    I think you’ve made a really really wise decision. If you let something go for the sake of Allah, then hopefully you will be rewarded with something better.

    Inshallah in the future if your financial and family circumstances change polygamy can still be an option. But I hope in the meantime Allah blesses your family with everything that is good for them in this life and the hereafter.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    Gail,

    I’m with you; I’m so very proud of Rasila, as well. It’s awesome how she stood up to her husband and his family and demanded respect and to be known. Insha Allah, she won’t go back to him and she’ll move on to a better life.

    I really like your post a lot. You paint a most valuable picture of how the people and culture is in Pakistan with your invaluable words on the topic. Alhumdulliah! I call you an expert in the field.

  • Rosa

    June 20, 2017

    You have spoken truth sis ana. It just gets frustrating sometimes especially after reading rasila’s post

    Rasila
    So very sorry you are a victim of one of the many many manipulative, conniving, dishonest Pakistani men swerming around out there for fresh meat. May Allah make things easy for you and your infant child. Truly heartbreaking reading your posts

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2017

    It’s a battle way bigger than we can fight. I mean it’s way over our heads. Were talking mega years of learned culture/traditions.

    The best we could do is be here for the people who come here for help. Additionally, we have info out there on the web for those searching for information on topics here. We can let them know certain things that are said to be Islam or believed to be Islam is not. Islam is not about Nationalism or hording wealth in families, lying to achieve what one wants and a host of other things that we read about here. We could forewarn people that there are those out there who call themselves Muslims who will lie, connive, take advantage of and bamboozle others. It’s the best that we could do with regard to that.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Ana,
    To u and me it seems so easy for a woman to tell a man how the cow eats the cabbage very easily and if the man don’t like it he can sure lump it!But in Pakistan it’s not done that way normally because the women feel Divorce is the worse possible thing that could happen to her(think of the Amish and shunning same thing basically)Yeah everyone will talk to you but they will also talk about u and u will be blamed for not being able to keep your husband etc.. it’s very vicious and very nasty! So women tend to play docile and just look at their husbands with sad eyes and go along with their husbands screwed up logic and program because the alternative/divorce is worse.Not to mention the husband will more than likely beat the Dog $h!T out of u if u buck up against him before u could even get back to your parents home.Not to mention u have your inlaws and them telling u how worthless u are for not going along with the program etc..It’s Hell to be honest!And the law does very little to nothing to protect woman.Not to mention a woman in more cases than not may very well loose her kids.Woman in Pakistan are seeking more divorces and trying to keep their kids these days BUT alot get killed or have to go into hiding not to be killed by their idiot husbands and his family.I swear I don’t think there is anything worse in Pakistani society to the population that a wife who will not listen.At least thats the way it has come across over the yrs to me.Even u see in Rasila’s case her idiot husband asked her to marry him and then hid her for 3 yrs because he couldn’t grow enough B@lls to tell his MOTHER! OH and what gets me the VERY MOST is that somehow the idiot thinks his mother is more important than his wife and baby!! Rasila is a million times better off without him.Even the family might come back and tell him to get her back but he has already shown his true nature towards her and the child that they are expendable.I hope she never takes him back and moves on with her life for the sake of her and her baby.

  • Gail

    June 20, 2017

    Rasila,
    Welcome to the blog I am Gail! As I read your post I was sitting here cheering u on girl and reading your post to my own husband who by the way is Pakistani and was a CHicken $h!t like your husband but in a different way! I am so proud of u for standing up for yourself and your baby and not letting him abuse u anymore!Seriously I can’t express enough how Proud I am of you!! Again Welcome to the Blog!!!

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani

    You made a very wise decision. At the same time I can’t help but think, this Pakistani culture I mean we should ralley against their hate for the sunnah we shouldn’t just back down each and every time because they are foolish enough to stoop so low and poison someone because of their hate for polygamy or because it will cause severance of family ties etc etc. Their culture should not be tolerated

    Abdullah Pakistani perhaps in the future you can marry again if you like now just doesn’t seem like the right time as you cannot provide separate homes for your wives. And you should respect the healing process of your wife. I have a change in heart. I wholeheartedly believe whoever wants multiple wives in Pakistan they need to STAND UP to the entire family demand respect of his decision to marry again. I don’t know, maybe the people as a whole are too far gone

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani, WOW, your post brought me to tears. I totally believe you are sincere. I pray the best for you and your family. I believe that you and your wife could have a very happy marriage together. It may very well be that Allah will still grant you a son. Don’t despair. It’s not over till it’s over.

    For now, simply give your wife time to heal and the support that she needs from her husband. Know that you have a good wife who was willing to sacrifice her own happiness for you. Insha Allah, you both could make your living, your dying, your prayers and your sacrifice all for Allah, the Lord of the worlds. When we do that, we could have the best in this world’s life and the best in the Hereafter.

    Your last post was so beautiful.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif I pray the same for you too, my dear brother…

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Rasila,

    You said, “Marrying more than one woman is a very challenging task. And if he hides you he is not up to it.” Well said and in so few words!

    I’m so sorry to hear how your husband has treated you. You are a very strong woman and are handling everything so well. I pray Allah is well pleased with you.

    Believe that Allah will take care of and provide for you and your precious baby. You’re correct that your baby was meant to be here in this world and you should be very happy. Stay strong. Your husband will account to Allah for all the wrongs he’s done.

  • Rasila

    June 19, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    Thank you for the kind words and advice.
    This is terrible. But yet I am happy alHamdoulilah. My baby was meant to come to this world so wathzever trial/test Allah has put my way I will accept and try to act the best I can (not always easy tho).
    Well, he informed his wife (not taking permission. He told her that he was going to marry me. She was reluctant and then accepted it. Both had an arranged marriage and happened to be cousin.
    So his wife was aware about our marriage but he kept it secret to his family and extended family. I only accepted it because this “secret” was meant to be temporary.
    He said his failu wouldn’t accept it so, it is better to get married and then he would tell them. He said his failu wouldn’t be able to undo what Allah has done (I.e our marriage).
    But months after months I was feeling miserable, I lost confidence, self esteem and joy.
    All I was feeling was pain and it had become our main subject of discussion.
    When I became pregnant I urgently Him to inform his family or I was going to do it and he was very mad at me. He would leave me for days at home and give me the silent treatment for bringing the subject and nagging on him.
    The thing is, if you accept to be a secret wife now it is difficult to as for Recognition then.
    I was his kind of dirty little secret. I was feeling so cheap. I hated myself for letting that happen to me. But with a baby on the way I had to say it. Talk to his family. Even if they would accept me and my child.
    I didn’t want my baby to suffer from the lack of courage of his father.
    My point is, and it was mentioned earlier on, if a man wants to marry a second wife He should have the strength and conjunction to do so.
    Marrying more than one woman is a very challenging task. And if he hides you he is not up to it.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    My sisters in Islam,
    I have answers for all that you have kindly shared with me. But this is not a debate contest and I don’t mind being shown the mirror, I am not one bit offended by any of your comments. Rather they are all very well intended and given in the light of your personal experiences and I am most obliged May ALLAH SWA reward you all for being wise and sincere in your counsels …

    I have reached the conclusion and it is as follows.

    1- My dear wife is not cutout to be in a polygamous relationship and that’s the end of it.
    2- I will be reunited with my lost sons if Allah SWA Showers HIS Mercy and Bounty on my wretched soul… IN SHA ALLAH SWA (please pray for me)
    3- I will retract my proposal and offer the Chechen sister any assistance to get her married to some single Muslim brother in Pakistan (I have already a few in mind and have done some work on it already, should she be willing)
    4- It seems the path of TAQWA is to be kind .. and my first wife is most deserving .. if I break the heart of the Chehchen woman May ALLAH SWA forgive me ..and Grant her a better husband AMEEN …

    I want to thank all my sisters who contributed towards guiding me .. I shall frequent this website and pray for you all…

    May Allah SWA guide us on the straight path to Jannah and make our worldly stay peaceful and pleasant AMEEN …

    Wasalaam,

    Abdullah Pakistani

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Rasila,
    That is so sad dear. So how are you and the baby now? Now I really fear on becoming a secret wife. Such a horrible experience. Therefore you are different nationalities as well. You mean by he informed his first wife is that he asked permission on marrying you but she didnt agree and upon knowing that the first wife didnt agree with it, you still enter the marriage but the first wife didnt knew about your marriage. Or, she is aware that you are married, only the family didnt knew?
    You are aware also that their culture dont accept second wives yet you still pursue it? Why you continue?
    Are you in Pakistan now? If you are not Pakistani living there, maybe its better for you to go back to your family cause he will not be a husband for you anymore nor a father to your child. How can a father abandon his child and his wife?

    God is just. God bless you sister.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    I copied Rasila’s post over to the Do Not Become a Secret Wife thread, as it is most appropriate there. We all could still discuss it here on this thread to make it easier. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Rasila’s post is the saddest yet ๐Ÿ™

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Abdulla_Pakistani,
    I hope when your wife brought you the idea of another wife, and you decided on pursuing another marriage, you don’t tell the first that it is her that told you about it when you wanted to have more children, that the idea came from her. That when you talk about it, or maybe somehow “argue” about having second wife, you dont always brought up to her that she let you do that cause she cant bear you children anymore. I hope it’s not the case. Because it is like you are slapping her face that she is not enough now so taking another wife is your option.
    I think it’s better for the mean time to be with her. Try to rekindle your love again, if she cant give you more children accept it, but let her heal and be with her on the process. More than anyone she needs her husband, full attention to her that can see her pain cause what she’s going through now is very depressing and hard. Be her support not adding a burden to her. If after giving her some time and you still want another wife then so be it. But atleast you tried first, at least she saw that you tried for her, at least in her sorrow you are there, not having good time with another woman.
    Like the marriage vows sworn “for better or for worse”. You had her at her best, she deserves to have you at her worse.
    God bless you.

  • Rasila

    June 19, 2017

    Absolutely agree with this post.
    I am a living proof that those marriages don’t last.
    I got married to my husband three years ago. I fell in love with him. His religious knowledge and fear from Allah. He spoke a lot about deen and i thought a man who fears God can never misbehave with you.
    A couple of months later, he proposed to me. As a second wife. He informed his first wife (who obviously did not want) but he still carried on with his plans. The thing is, he mentioned he wouldn’t be able to tell his family yet (parents and siblings) until wa had gotten married since they come from a culture where second marriage is seen as a bad thing (they are from Pakistan).
    He managed to convinced. Se accepted to be temporarily a hidden wife.
    I had the most terrible time ๐Ÿ™
    No acknowledgement, he never took me anywhere cause he feared people would see us unless we travelled), spent all my weekends alone, eid, iftar, holiday etc etc. When I got pregnant our relationship had become very chaotic to the extend that he couldn’t bear my nagging self anymore and i was angry all the time at him for keeping me in the dark.
    A couple of days ago, when our baby had just turned 3 months old, I decided to inform his helder brother…
    i called and explained the whole story.
    My husband called me cursing me that I had caused pain to his mother and because of me the whole family is about to collapse.
    He had divorced me over whatsapp.
    And never sees his child and we don’t talk…
    secret wife??? DONT YOU THINK ABOUT IT

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani

    If you can’t afford to give these women the rights that Allah commanded you to uphold then you really shouldn’t be going through with this. How can you expect any blessings from this situation when your building it on a broken foundation. You say you want to be fair and do things the right way but you’re choosing to do it the wrong way.

    Why not wait until you can afford separate houses? What’s the rush anyways?

    Don’t you get scared when you think of the day of judgement and having to explain to Allah why you tortured your wives by denying their rights and made them live in horrible conditions.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    I can’t imagine how horrible life would be with all those people living under one roof. It would be bad enough for two wives and a husband living in one house but mommy daddy two kids and a brother too. That’s just madness.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Thanks Ana, it gets difficult keeping up with all the different names ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    I feel very sad for Abdullah_Pakistani’s wife, as well. However, she has a part to play in it in that she has agreed to have the other woman come to stay in her home, and then live there after they wed. His wife needs to put her foot down and say, for instance, no way, will you bring her into my home. What he intends to do and is doing is a form of oppression, if you ask me.

    His wife may be agreeing to all the non-sense, because she may be depressed and has a defeatist attitude, after having suffered so many losses. On top of it, she has a husband who isn’t supportive, but is self-centered. He can only see what he desires.

  • Mari2

    June 19, 2017

    My heart broke for the wife of Abdullah Pakistani. How sad for her. As a person who has miscarried, albeit early, and to have known friends who suffered late term stillbirths I can say that it is a gut wrenching, heartbreaking, overwhelmingly sad sad thing. Men care so much about having an heir, but they don’t know anything about how it is to be pregnant, deliver, or miscarry. ALLAH has kept them on the outside. Only a woman knows how that feels. The early pregnancy flutter, the hormonal fluctuations, the pain, the messiness, the loss in some situations.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Serena,

    I said it because the cousin marriage thing reminds me of an Elvis Presley movie, “Kissing Cousins” that I used to watch when I was a kid. I loved his movies. LOL

    I know, though. I get very agitated with some of the men who come here with their selfish dialogue. Some are so inconsiderate. They know good and well that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t house all his wives together, so why do these Muslim men want to have their little harem and do it? Oh, that right, they want their harem to feel like manly men.

    We are to follow the ways of Allah’s Prophets.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Ana

    Abdullah_Pakistani post made me feel sad for his wife and a bit angry at how he is going about this polygamy.

    I had to read your reply again because I couldn’t help laugh at ‘kissing cousins.’

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    MS, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The ayah that you cited is often taken out of context. The ayah is about the treatment of orphans Article about Polygamy, Men and Orphans.

    Nonetheless, we ALL (as in all of mankind) are supposed to be just in all our dealings, unless someone fights us for our faith (Islam).

  • MS

    June 19, 2017

    Assalam o Alaikum @Abdullah_Pakistani,

    Is it possible that you do not meet the requirements to practise polygamy as you cannot afford to give 2 wives their financial rights (one of which is the right to separate homes)?

    It could be injustice if you cannot meet this requirement? “…but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then (marry) only one.” Al-Nisa 4:3. It’s worth researching what the right thing to do is from the Quran and sunnah.

    Allah knows best.

    Have a nice day https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    How do you think your wife is going to feel knowing you’re BANGING the other wife in another room in the house?

    Women are sensitive and emotional. Apparently, it doesn’t matter to you, as long as you and your other get what you both want. Apparently, you won’t care that you’re agonizing and tormenting your wife whom you say you adore so much. If you love and adore her so much, you’d put that other wife in her own dwelling away from your first wife. Your first wife is doing good in simply agreeing that you have another wife. Be decent and do the right thing by her.

    And what is that about your other wife making hijra for you? Are you for real? Sounds like you’re making stuff up. There is no such thing as a woman making hijra to go get her husband…

  • Flower

    June 19, 2017

    Personally I think Abdullah Pakistani tried to sway us with that Pakistani charm that’s so common. Underneath just a man who stops at nothing to get what he wants. Sigh

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    Not being able to house your wives in separate dwellings to me equates to you not being able to afford more than one wife. So, you want your wives to sacrifice to make life easy for you, huh.

    I see said the blind man.

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud has got jokes https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif That was cute!

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 19, 2017

    May be your next son name is gonna be Mahmud

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Gail

    Thank you for shedding light on the science part of things in abdullah Pakistani case. It’s widely assumed that something is always wrong with the wife

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    Marah S,

    I’ll make the correction regarding Abdullah_Pakistani’s name on the posts. No poblema.

    Rosa,

    Good looking outhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Marah S,

    Something strange is happening on my cellphone. My gravatar (pic for my post) is showing up for your posts https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif I have no idea why or how it’s happening. I’m on my computer now, and things are correct on the page, so I’m not going to worry about it.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani
    My posts were meant for you not A. Mahmud sorry about that

    Rosa,

    Thanks for letting me know

  • anabellah

    June 19, 2017

    All,

    Please make sure you scroll down and check the posts to make sure you didn’t miss reading any. I approved quite a few.

  • Rosa

    June 19, 2017

    Marah s

    You’re confusing a mahmud with abdullah Pakistani

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    Gail I was going to say maybe he is not meant to have boys. Know what you said I heard about that too.

    Abdullah_Pakistani I am not being insensitive here but remember you said about sabr and foolishness. You tried for more kids it didn’t happen. So why don’t you have sabr then. Go by what you said about having sabr after trying.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Correction – was meant to say I wasn’t wrong in thinking you and new wife to be are being selfish.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakiatani

    You talk like you know how to go about polygamy yet the path you are taking is opposite to what you say.

    You are the typical example of man who is greedy and selfish just wanting more and will do anything to get what you want. You want your cake and eat it only with your new wife.

    Why is the woman really coming to visit? Where are her mahram/wali in all this?

    You are sooo wrong to keep both in same house after marriage especially if first wife is not all for you getting another wife.

    Again second everything Marah S said.

  • Serena

    June 19, 2017

    Salam

    Abdullah_Pakiatani

    You know I was bit wrong to say ypu and your new wife to be are being selfish.

    Yes there is wisdom in Allah’s decision and hence polygamy being allowed. You talk about sabr and foolishness. I disagree because there is a hadeeth saying sabr is in the first instance. Not when you don’t have sabr and then when you can’t get what you want then say oh I will have sabr. SABR IS DEFINITELY NOT WHEN YOU TRY AND THEN FAIL.

    If you want polygamy why give up if the second marriage fails? You don’t know maybe third time it might work out.

    I agree totally with Little secret and Marah S about what your wife said.

    I agree with all that Marah S said. You are determined to marry this woman.

    It is about you and your new wife to be. Just because she wants to live with your parents you are going to let her. Have some respect for your first wife. Poor woman is having this all forced upon her.

    You think you are doing a trial of married life with two wives when tje the other comes to visit. Like I said before it will be completely different once she lives in the same house when she is married to you.

    You my brother talk about new wife making hijrah is that how you talked her into marrying you by giving all the religious talk?

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    Little Secret,
    Yeah I am a two time Cancer survivor of Basal Cell Carcinoma.I don’t know how much of a survivor I am sense my type of Cancer has like a 1% chance of spreading but I have been warned sense I have had it twice now that my chances of getting another type of cancer dramatically increases.I know this will sound crazy but I don’t fear Cancer anymore which is awesomeee. My first Cancer was behind my right ear which was surgically removed no chemo and 7 stitches.My second cancer was on the right side of my nose.I had to have a good portion of the right side of my nose removed but it has grown back now

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    Little Secret,

    U brought up a very very good point that Abdullah_Pakistani was very cruel to his wife when she told him to get another wife if he needed more children.The Cruelty he expressed to her in that moment will be the very reason if and when he marries the other woman that his first wife may very well rebel against him in her heart and who could blame her.Men have no idea how hard it is for a woman to be pregnant and put her body through the birthing process only to deliver a dead baby or a baby that dies.As women when we become pregnant we prepare for the outcome of bringing another soul into this world but when things go wrong and the baby dies it mentally affects the mother that she could not bring life into the world.It’s complicated and I don’t think men really understand it on the same level as us woman.I am very suspicious though in this case Abdullah_ pakistani might have a genetic disorder preventing him from having male children and if this is indeed the case then taking a second wife will not solve his having a male heir issues.

  • Gail

    June 19, 2017

    abdullah_Pakistani,

    Hey u caught my attention in your last post about you and your wife’s miscarriages being all boys.Listen I used to work OBGYN/Woman’s Health and what u have described sounds very much like a genetic condition on the Y chromosome.Without getting to technical the male/husband determines the sex/ gender of the child.Now XX is for female and XY for male.From what u have stated it sounds like your wife can carry females but not male babies.If this is in fact then it would mean you have a genetic abnormality with your Y chromosome u would need genetic counseling.Listen this part is important to know.If I am correct and u have a Y chromosome abnormality this would have nothing to do with your wife because u carry the Y chromosome understand? This would be your genetic issue but if u do marry and u find that your second wife miscarries male children as well u will have your answer for certain.What I am trying to say here is if u are marrying to get male children it’s very possible u will only be able to produce female children and not males unless u go through genetic counseling.
    As far your wife being a complete mess if u take a second wife this is true and there will be no getting around the issue.Straight up you were your wife’s first everything..love,sex,everything and woman take that very seriously.It’s not some joke to us to be put in a position to have to share are most intimate thing our husband with another woman.Just think logically if the tables were turned could u just sit back and handle your wife taking another husband and u being in a position to share? U will surely shutter at the thought! Well woman our no different and we don’t like to share either BUT a woman willing to practice polygamy learns to see a bigger picture like one example would be the need to have a larger family.Polygamy can be awesome BUT thats not always the case when a woman doesn’t desire it.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Men https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    I guess the reality is, you’re getting a second wife and nothing is going to stop you. It’s what you want and you’re going to get what you want no matter what. And even more so you want that specific woman.

    You already know that it Will be hard for your wife, especially if you have other children with the other woman. You already know shw will experience abuse and humiliation from her community, and so will the second wife. You already know the kids will struggle.

    But you still want to go ahead with it. It’s okay, this is the reality of the dunya. full of tests, trials and tribulations. We will even be hurt by the ones who claim to love us most.

    What’s important now is you need to be fair to make it as easy for them as possible.

    Hopefully your wife is a strong believer and will turn her heart to Allah and away from you and the dunya.

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Abdulla_Pakistani,
    Sorry for your lost, and your wife too. It may be very difficult for her. But your statement on your last post:

    “next time you feel having more children, get yourself another wife.”
    “Please give me this in writing once you get better.”

    This statement hurt. And you said your wife never gave you. Of course. If I am your wife too, I will not give. I think your wife that day is in so much pain of always having miscarriage, thinking she is not fullfilling her duty to you and just losing a child, her flesh, will make her depressed and seeing you as wanting a child she can’t give, make her think about you should get another wife cause you want something she can never meet. But I think you should not ask her the written agreement of second marriage, that moment you should hug her, made her feel your love and assurance that no matter the shortcomings, you will be with her even she can’t give you another child. That’s what she needed that moment.
    As a woman and to my personality, if I am in that situation, even I said such thing, I dont mean it wholeheartedly, I still hope my husband will make me feel that I am not useless, she will not take another woman because my uterus is malfunctioning, that he will tell me “it’s OK, it will be allright”. Not that “give me this in written”. Its like afterwards you will really look for another woman.

    Your wife is still in Post Marital Syndrome so you should give her support and time and love she needed. You taking another wife will give her another torment to take everyday, we are not even sure if she already moved on in the miscarriage.

    I hope you will take time to think about it and pray if it is Allah’s will in your life.

  • Marah S

    June 19, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    I mean she would be hysterical as in uncontrollably sad or crying or even angry. Many women who are forced into polygamy experience extreme pain, it’s not an easy thing to go through.

    Honestly it seems like you’re more concerned about yourself and the repercussion you may face, than how horrible life will be for your wives and kids. You just want to assure that your life will continue to be comfortable and when you get old no one will resent you. You better believe they will probably resent you.

    I’m horrified by your last post. You mean to tell me. Your wife came out of a painful procedure, giving birth to a dead baby. She was probably traumatized and emotionally distraught. Do you know how painful it is for a mother to lose her child? So in a moment of weakness she tells you that if you want more kids you need to get a second wife. And you actually believed her! You actually thought that she meant it! Don’t you know people say things when they’re upset?!!????

    And even worse you had the nerve to ask right then and that that you’re going to need that in writing??!?!! I nearly threw my phone in shock when I read that. How could you be so heartless, after what she just went through all you could think about was yourself. Ya Allah! I don’t even know what to say I’m just shocked.

    Whatever happened to spouses being a mercy to one another, and clothing for one another. These days all we do is make one another sad and miserable.

    Of course you didn’t get it in writing because when she said it, she didn’t intend for you to take her seriously! Are you sure this woman is the love of your life because you don’t treat someone you love this way.

    With all due respect are you sure you are not the love of your own life?

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Gail,
    How are you? I have to agree to everyone that your post made me laugh. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ you are such a straight forward person. Happy to hear about your business which I think real estate is very good business, I used to work on a real estate company, but I was at the construction division developing high rise and mid rise residential building. Hoping for the good outcome of your business. Never knew that you are a cancer survivor too. You have been through a lot but I can see that it made you stronger and here you are making us laugh with your style of writing. Having such a wonderful children, like Adam are your bonus in this life.
    Godbless.

  • LittleSecret

    June 19, 2017

    Azam,
    About your question regarding the last name, what I know is wife, like the Egyptians, dont take the husband’s last name. The wife will still bear her father’s name. Because their name is based on their given name, name of their father, and forefathers, up to fourth or fifth generation. So your husband’s child last name will be the name of your husband. Example your husband’s name is Ahmed Farooq Hussein Mohammed, the child is Yousef Ahmed Farooq Hussein, or simply Yousef Ahmed. But for you, I just dont know if you can be like Azam Ahmed, or Azam Farooq? ๐Ÿ˜‚ I don’t know if I make any sense here.
    Anyway, why you wish to change your last name? If you are so called spiritual wife, I think they are referring you as you are married Islamically but they didnt register your marriage to the court.
    May Allah enlighten you and fix your affairs to your family.

    One question sisters, if you are married Islamically but didnt register to the court, will that change your civil status from single to married? Will they have marriage certificate too?

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Serena,
    No apologies needed please advise and comment freely, I sorely need third party evaluation of my situation.
    There is no guaranty of more children through this new marriage, just a hope and prayer ALSO it is not Beyond ALLAH SWA to bless my first wife with more children and not bless the second.
    My point is that Allah SWA HAS in HIS unlimited wisdom given men the option to marry more than once and if I fear that I will regret at an old age being without more children I should act now while there is still time for me to find someone, anyone willing to accept my proposal and be my second wife and raise decent Muslim children …
    I can do Sabbar and be content with the two daughters Allah SWA HAS Graced me with AND I AM ETERNALLY thankful to Allah SWA, or I can try to seek more of Allah SWA blessing in terms of children, my philosophy is that while you are able and still you do not try it is not Sabbar it is foolishness, Sabbar is when you try and fail, then you do Sabbar. If I fail I will not marry a third time.
    I could be unaspiring but that would not be a natural state for a man who Allah SWA has created greedy for women, children and wealth.
    Regarding if I want a boy, yes I want a boy or boys from Allah SWA … but I am afraid to deem it the reason for the second marriage alone
    If I want to marry again does not mean I am abandoning my first wife, the love of my life. She went through the physical and mental trauma and I just stood by her side holding her hand feeling utterly powerless, useless piece of crap.. for four times in a row. The last two 4 months old I buried with my hands without a single tear .. they were boys all four of them !!..
    Now I can not even be intimate with her without contraceptives …
    Last time I was sitting in her room at the hospital, she came back after the painful procedure, got up from the bed, looked me right in the eyes and said “next time you feel like having more children, get yourself another wife please”
    And I looked her right back and said as softly as I could “Please given me this in writing once you get better (now is not the time) ”
    She never gave me in writing .. and I thought I was good to go get a second wife ..

    To be continued ….

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 19, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Marah S,
    Jazzak Allah for your kind words and advice.
    1- Polygamy caused more trouble for women and children in this world and for men in the hereafter. A close friend of mine has suffered neglect from their fathers due to his inclination towards his second mother. Now my friend is in his 40s, a successful engineer and more in wealth than his father. Now the father wants to come back to his son’s home which is more comfortable and located in a much better locality, but he, his sibling and mother have refused to welcome him back, they talk and interact but do not wish to have him back home to rest his tired old bones since he was not there when they wanted him, now he wants comforts that his children have refused .. this is a very unfortunate situation to be in when you grow old and the longing for a second or third wife abandons you ..

    I read the Istekhara Duaa every day and trust in Allah SWA that HE in HIS INFINITE WISDOM WILL DO WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, MY WIFE AND MY DAUGHTERS DEEN, DUNYA and AAKHIRAH. In Sha Allah

    You advised that in case I do get married the wives should live in separate houses.
    I live in my father’s house with my mother and one brother. My daughters are used to having Granpa and Granma around, my wives’s parents live 5kms away. The money I save on rent goes into a second car and a driver for the wife and children and parents of course. Now my first wife does not want to live alone with the daughters, she rather stay where she is AND the new wife also wants to live with my parents and help me take care of them.

    Like I said she would be visiting us soon so both will get to know each other and tell me how they would be comfortable living. My major concern is that my two daughters and first wife do not get a downgrade in the quality or life style they have enjoyed by the Grace of Allah SWA. They should not resent the second wife for causing them to be deprived of things they have been enjoying. On the other hand I don’t want the new wife who will do Hijrah from her country to feel being provided a lower standard of life. I have limited means and to give both wives the same standard of living at two separate homes will put twice as much financial liability on me that is one of the main reasons I did not look for a local Pakistani lady or some cousin.

    Sister you mentioned that my first wife will be hysterical and upset at times! Why will she be hysterical ? Can you explain for my understanding, please with example if possible.

    It is very sad and disturbing for me to see men failing to be just with their wives and children and making polygamy a horrific thing for the rest of us. There should be some test or some course that you must pass to be given permission to take up another wife. Seems to me that those who do get a second wife are mostly men who do not have what it takes to be polygamous and those who have the ability are either content with one wife or scared of the trouble

  • Lost Soul

    June 19, 2017

    Azam
    One more thing, if you want to take happy family pictures, I think you should stick to pictures with your own daughter and your hubby.

    If he has helped raise her with you all these years, he probably already has a good bonding with your daughter. You don’t need your co’s daughter to be a happy family.

    Just concentrate on your own little family.

    Taking pics with the co’s daughter WITHOUT co’s knowledge is a big NO NO…
    She has already been lied to by EVERYONE.. I am sure she won’t be thrilled when she finds out you are meeting her child behind her back as well.

    There is only so much betrayal a woman can take.

    And you are equally responsible by feeding into the lies your husband speaks.

    It may just be me, but with so many changes in your posts, something tells me you are totally in on what is happening and not as innocent as you claim.

    Pls take the advice given here, If in case you really are innconcent here, and tell your husband to straight up tell your co about you.

    To finally have the balls to stand and be a man and to JUST STOP LYING!! This will never end up a happy scenario for anyone with lies as a base!

    I am gonna shut my mouth on this topic now as I am sure you have a lot to digest and would not have like reading what the others or I wrote..

    I think you came here for sympathy and some co wife bashing and how to make YOUR life better as opposed to how you tried to portray yourself as wanting to be close to your co and your husband and you as victims!

    I remember a post where you complained that your co was staying long enough to get citizenship and will only then leave..
    Well, If she gets citizenship after all this crap.. good on her!!

    I am generally not harsh, but I am very straight forward.

    I wish you the best for you and your husband and your own daughter.
    Please concentrate on her rather than your co’s daughter. You write more about your co’s daughter than you do your own.
    You almost seem obsessed with her just because she has your husbands blood/genes!

  • Tasliyman

    June 19, 2017

    I’m also confused by the conflicting details in Azam’s story. In one post she mentioned that her husband only pays for the car while in another post she said that he and his family has been looking after her and her daughter for years.

    The way I see it is her husband is feeding her with non-stop lies which she falls for everytime or she is living in some fantasy world and is totally out of touch with reality.

    I wonder how much of what’s going on does Azam’s daughter know about. I mean does she know that the man whom her mother has been involved with for 11 years has been married to someone else for the last four years? Does she know that he has a child with his wife? Does she know that her mother is now married to this man although he never even stays with them like a husband should? Has the daughter also embraced Islam, does she know that Azam has done so? Is Azam’s daughter part of the “happy family” photo sessions?

    I shudder to think of the effect that all of this will have on a young teenage girl if it all boils down to a man who constantly lies about everything.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What you said makes sense, especially the part in which she said she would embarrass the husband in front of the family to show them how they ruined her life. Insha Allah, Azam will come back and confirm or deny whether the husband and his other are “kissing cousins”. LOL

  • Serena

    June 18, 2017

    Salam

    I thought Azam co wife and hubby are cousins based on the info she gave about him having a forced marriage and how the co wife said the family have spoilt her life and that she would embarrass her husband in front of them.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    I’d imagine chemo could have an effect on the mind and memory, but I never heard anyone say that it causes a person to not know whether she’s coming or going or to hallucinate. Azam has got us all confused with her convoluted accounts of what is happening in her life. I don’t know what is fact from fiction. Actually, I’ve never seen anything like it

  • Lost Soul

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,
    There are so many discrepancies in your story, I don’t even know what to believe anymore.
    The story keeps changing all the time!

    First you were a hidden wife, now everyone knows you are the spiritual wife then you felt like a whore as your husband used to have sex with you and leave, never spending the night, but then you say he told the wife that you are very ill and recovering from cancer, then you sounded totally against the co wife but then suddenly you say you want to befriend your co wife but she doesn’t accept.

    I dunno… I may sound harsh but you have totally confused me.

    And now you say that your hubby and you and their child get pics taken together and you look like a happy family etc..seems to me that is what you want.

    You still feel superior to your co and you think she was just a baby making machine and that your husband loves you and only wants you and wants her to divorce him…

    It’s either you are completely feeding into your husband’s lies and falling for it and living in la la land OR you are in on whatever plan he and his father seem to be plotting in getting rid of her through divorce.

    I find it so weird that his dad is asking your husband to divorce her esp when his family were the ones who wanted to him to marry her in the first place.

    I think you need to ask yourself exactly what is happening and see the truth for what it is and not what your hubby claims!

    And also to admit exactly what it is you feel for your co and come to terms with that first instead of jumping the gun and expecting her to just accept youbas his second wife, especially with the whole family and you deceiving her like this!

    And all you guys need to quit lying to her as it’s just gonna get worse!!!

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    I’m still laughing from when Gail said hell would freeze over before she waits 11 years for a man to marry her ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    She especially had me snickering when she spoke of the “Man Whore”. She has a funny way with words.LOL

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    You ladies are soooo right. Azam says she just found out about the first wife three months ago then all of a sudden she marries him right after. Like Azam why didn’t yall get married in all those years. Why didn’t any of his family know of you until just recently and yall have been messing around for 11 years. There’s too many inconsistencies in your posts.

    Your co wife would be livid if she finds out her infant baby was anywhere around you. You gotta make things right Azam.

    Gail I am always cracking up laughing at your posts as well. I can tell you write exactly the way you speak it’s toooooooo funny. I always find myself laughing hysterically through your posts

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Ana,
    I don’t remember her saying anything about a cousin marriage but u never know.If it turns out she is then Crap will hit the fan! Logically speaking I remember Azam stating that her FIL the one that pushed his son to marry the other girl now wants his son to divorce the other girl.If that is a true statement then the girl wouldn’t be a relative.

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Ana,

    Normally speaking men from foreign countries like Pakistan etc.. have inheritance properties so their wives prefer that they keep a mistress than another wife because u don’t have to split properties and money with a mistress but u do with another wife.I’m just being honest here but if my husband dared to think he was going to split money 50/50 between me and my cowife it would be a NO GO for me.I’m not even lying here I would think he was useless for me and cut my losses .

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Ana,

    One huge difference between Mari2 and myself is that I have a biological child/son and legally adopted his and my cowife biological son.In My case he and his family were screwed for lack of a better word because I made certain I had the upper hand.He and his family knew very well I could take both boys and divorce him.Yes he would have had his daughter and sense I didn’t legally adopt her no court in USA would give her to me but I also know Pakistani culture and lets face it although they love their daughters they know it’s their sons that will support them in old age.Just think of China and their one child policy and how they kept the boys and aborted the majority of girl fetuses then u will understand the big picture.
    People might think in their mind well why didn’t u just divorce him and leave him his biological son and take my son and walk away.I just couldn’t bring myself to do that because I knew if I walked away my adopted son would be forced to have an arranged cousin marriage.Now I am not against Arranged marriage BUTTTT when it comes to my kids they would have to 100% agree to such a marriage otherwise I won’t let them get caught up in that nonsense.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Gail,

    I went back and quickly skimmed through some of Azam’s older posts in an effort to see if she had said her husband’s arranged marriage was to a cousin. I didn’t see it.

    Azam,
    Is he married to his cousin? Does she know right now that you are married to him?

    Gail,

    In reviewing Azam’s older posts, it sounds to me that the other wife was aware of her husband’s “relationship” with Azam and there was communications back and forth between the other wife and the husband about Azam and between Azam and the husband’s wife while she was just his girlfriend. I don’t think that within the last month that Azam has been married to him, they have told his other wife that they are married. It appears she still is lead to believe that he’s messing around with Azam on the side.

    Azam and the husband are terribly wrong to keep it from her. I assume because he fears what his other wife will do. It’s crazy that the other wife would settle for Azam messing around with the husband romantically without being married rather than being okay with him marrying Azam, so they’d be decent. Of course, Azam and he are married now, but what good does that do when the other wife who it would be most important to doesn’t know about it?

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Ana,

    I don’t know what u always find so funny about my post WOMAN! LOL

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Ana,

    I think there are some similarities and differences between Azam’s and Mari2 cowives.
    In Mari2 case her family did know about Mari2 and they made the choice not to tell the girl.My sincere guess is that the entire family figured on forcing Mari2 husbands hand on divorcing Mari2 at some point down the road and more than likely it would be when the girl came to USA or when she got pregnant.From what I have witnessed in my own life and living in Pakistan they will do everything in their power to get rid of Mari2.The young girl will see Mari2 as a direct threat to her ego because Pakistani women as a whole deplore polygamy and to have a foreign cowife on top of that is going to look like her husband is sex addicted and she is not satisfying her husband(doing her wifely duties) It’s the worst insult on a Pakistani female to share her husband.I can’t see Mari2 husbands cousin wife or his family just leaving him alone where Mari2 is concerned.They might but I have a sneaky feeling Mari2 MIL told the cousin wife’s family that she would see to it he got rid of Mari2 in good time and that is the real reason they did not tell the young cousin wife because they were told by dear old MIL that she would have her son divorce Mari2.
    Pakistani people talk sweet as sugar to u when they want something and will promise u the moon as long as they get what they want but when it’s time to pay up they look other side! lol but in this case it will a bloody mess like my family eventually I figure because cousin wife will keep stirring the family pot until it comes to a full boil and either Mari2 husband stand up for Mari2 or divorce her.Either way it’s Mari2 husbands fault for knowingly agreeing to marry his cousin knowing he was putting Mari2 on the chopping block.
    In Azam’s case it seems only her inlaws knew about her and her and not her cowife’s family.Maybe Azam will shed some more light on that topic.I can’t remember if Azam’s cowife is a cousin wife but if she is then I don’t know how on earth he will ever be able to bring Azam around any of his extended family without a family feud.I understands her inlaws know but extended family when and if they come to know or it gets back to her cowife’s family OH MY.FOr Azam’s sake I hope her cowife is not a cousin wife.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Gail,

    I dunno about you. I know you’re not intentionally trying to get us to laugh. It’s just the way you write, and it’s all so natural. I just read your posts and sit here laughing like a hyena. LOL SMH

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,

    One more thing that I don’t understand..If your cowife is a cousin wife( I can’t remember if u said she was but if she is then how is it that u were around the family for 11 yrs and her or your family didn’t know u existed) or did they?

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Rosa,
    OH u are CORRECT!!I went back and read that she DIDN”T Post the pics to social media my bad!… about Azam when she posted she took pictures of the baby and then mentioned social media I was like OH NO SHE DIDN”T!! I just can’t wrap my head around why Azam is knowingly being so disrespectful to her cowife.Maybe Azam don’t see it I don’t know but with her being a mother herself she can’t act as if it’s ok to do such disrespectful things to another mother.We all know for a fact if our husbands were taking our kids to see other women much less our husbands posing for pictures with our children like they are some happy family.I mean all I can see is REDDDD when I think about it..Give me a break already!
    My think with Azam is that she don’t seem to comprehend that her husband 100% knew that he could not marry Azam FIRST!! He knew his family would pick a wife for him.Now what him and his family told Azam is a different story but her story where she was with him 11 yrs and he was never ready for marriage but now after he has been married to his first cousin wife for a few yrs NOW it’s ok to marry Azam.
    It don’t take a Rocket Scientist to figure out that he put marrying Azam off for 11 yrs.Now mind u here and I can’t speak for anyone else but hell would freeze over before I waited on any man for 11 yrs to marry me.Never going to happen..I don’t know how Azam can say she is her husbands anything much less spiritual wife or the wife he wants to be with(thats crazy) esp after waiting 11 yrs for him to put a ring on it.
    If she was so important like she thinks she is to her husband then why didn’t he keep her in the loop of what was going on that he was married for 4 yrs and had a baby.To me that sounds like her husband is a liar and he didn’t want Azam rocking the boat with regards to his new marriage.
    Woman in general don’t seem to understand unless they have lived through it that these type of men prey on innocent foreign women who don’t know about their cultures.Think about it.. their own culture women would never give them the time of day because they know these men are looking to get their rocks off.Using American culture as an example…it would be like some American guy coming up to a decent American woman and trying to use her for sex.Most American woman can spot a man whore pretty fast but when it comes to other cultures we have seriously hard time.
    I am not saying Azam’s husband is a Man whore now sense he did step up and marry Azam FINALLY but I think it did start out that way because Azam herself stated that his uncle took his passport and they threatened him. Azam’s husband is not innocent he was fully aware that come time he would have an arranged marriage.
    I also think this is very cruel that Azam is knowingly going along with her husband not to be honest and tell his wife they are married.I mean come on Who does that? It’s so dishonest and cruel to me.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I must agree with the others who say it seems quite selfish of you to want to marry that foreign woman knowing your wife is terribly upset by it, is hurting and in pain, AND knowing that polygamy is not an acceptable way of life for Pakistani people. You know it is going to cause a huge problem for your wife and children and the woman who you are intended to.

    Just because you got intended to her does not mean that you must marry her. You can end that engagement, and you know it. People end engagements all the time. Yet you’d rather go ahead and marry her, because it what you DESIRE. You’ve imagined what it would be like to be with her and have two wives. Your imagination and expectations have gotten the best of you. You really want to bring that foreign woman to a country in which you know that she is going to catch hell?

    Selfish!https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

    You have daughters. There is no reason you can’t be satisfied with them. There is nothing that says you must have sons. You want sons, find a Pakistani woman to marry who knows the culture and ways of Pakistani people. Go get yourself another cousin.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,

    Why not just leave your husband’s other wife and child alone and just focus on your marriage to him? After reading and thinking about the many replies that the others here have given you, I’m beginning to think that you have an ax to grind with your husband’s other wife.

    Perhaps you are angry that you were with him all those years, and he went and married her out in the open and legally etc. Later, you became his wife in secret. I suppose it would be enough to anger a woman. It’s enough to make her bitter and hostile.

    You know that your husband’s other wife is having a difficult time coming to terms with you being in her life, married to her husband, so why not let her and her child be. Give her time to try to adjust and adapt to what is going on in her life.

    You now have a husband. You wanted him and now you’ve got him. I think you need to back up off her.

    It sounds similar to another writer here. I’m having a difficult time keeping track of who is who now that so many are writing. Was it “Heartbroken” who said the co wants to force herself into the family and be with “Heartbroken’s” kids all the time?

    Something is wrong with that picture. I don’t know if those wives are intentionally trying to sabotage the other wives’ marriage by using the kids. Perhaps they are trying to agitate those wives by causing problems, using the kids. I simply know that something is seriously wrong… Those wives could be trying to intrude on the other wives lives by messing with their children to annoy the other wives. It’s not cool. It doesn’t seem they have pure intentions.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2017

    Azam’s story sounds a lot like Mari2 co’, but in Azam’s case, it’s the first wife who is on the receiving end of the deceit. In Mari2’s situation, her husband’s family knew, but didn’t tell the cousin that he was already married to Mari2. They hid the truth from her until after she was in too deep and had married him. By then, after a huge wedding, all the gifts and publicizing the union, it was too late for the cousin to do anything but accept it. So much for deception. Then everyone expects that Mari2’s co is suppose to just fall inline and accept like it’s no big deal. She’s a young girl with dreams and visions the same as most young girls. Furthermore, they can’t rely on the co simply needing to accept polygamy, as it’s part of our religion/Islam, knowing good and well that for the most part Pakistani people don’t live Islam. They are all about their culture/traditions.

    The whole way many Pakistani’s do things is just jacked up. It seems it’s the acceptable norm to just lie and connive. ๐Ÿ™

  • Serena

    June 18, 2017

    Azam’s story had contradictions but then she said it was something to do with medication affecting hwr memory ok.

    At first Azam deacribed herself as feeling like a whore and she sounded angry towards her husband. Then she also said everyone knows he is married to her.

    Something does just not seem to sit right with what she is saying. She says her husband helped raise her daughter and she known him for 11 years and his family have also known her.

    I can’t understand why he didn’t just marry Azam then? Her and his wife knowing about each other or their marriages to him well I am confused about that. One minute they know next post they don’t.

    Azam

    Your husband seems to be a liar sorry to say. Didn’t know he would marry his cousin? Maybe that’s why he didn’t marry you all that time.

    I feel for his first wife. His family knew about your unlawful relationship yet they marry him of to an innocent woman who probably thought she was the first womam in his life.

    Sorry but his family and his behaviour is disgusting especially about what he said about the cancer to his first wife. You Azam are in it too but as a liar and how do you know how much truth he tells you. What goes round can come round.

    Where are your feelings for the first wife taking pics with the child. You are a mother yourself so show some empathy towards her.

    Azam put yourself in her shoes. Why don’t you do the decent thing and tell her you are married to him if she does not already know and then leave her to come to terms with it and don’t use her child for personal gain.

  • Marah S

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,

    I’m a little confused, and honestly you’re sort of creeping me out. How are you getting pictures of him and his child and you together? I thought you said you never met the wife or his child. Are you using pictures of him and his child and photoshopping all of you guys together or something? please tell me that’s not the case.

    When you married your husband was it because you heard he had gotten married and you felt jealous.

    Because that’s how it’s coming off to me. You found out he had gotten married and all of a sudden it flipped some switch in you. You were with him 11 years and didn’t get married how come as soon as you found out he had gotten married you felt the need to get married too?

    I agree with Gail you come off as being seriously obsessed with him and even though you say you want to accept polygamy, and you just want his wife to accept you, it seems like you’re all the while hoping to boot her out of the picture and take her child so you can live your fantasy life.

    And your story just doesn’t add up in so many places. One day you’re a secret and the wife doesn’t know about you. Next day you’ve spoken on the phone and she says she accepts you. Next day you’re back to being a secret and he’s not giving you your rights because he doesn’t want her to find out. Then later you say she snooped around and found at about you. Then once again your back to being a secret, which is it?

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    But to be taking pics anyway with her co’s infant baby and the co doesn’t know of Azam naaaaah

    I’m confused tho. Azam said she didn’t know her now husband was married until three months ago then she said the co doesn’t know about her but in another post said the co was sniffing around and found out about her. Then said the co asked about her health and the husband told her Azam had cancer but it’s gone now yet she is still very ill. So I think they know about each other now. Azam taking pics with her co’s baby is another thing

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    Gail

    Waaaaaittttt lol. Azam said SHE DOES NOT POST THE PICS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I think you read her wrong and went innnnnnn๐Ÿ˜‚

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,
    I know u think u are accepting Polygamy but When I read your post everything screams very loud to me you are not accepting Polygamy at all.U don’t even have a clue to try to be modest.I honestly think in your mind that the first wife should not be in the picture.You are being passive aggressive with her.I can see all the signs of my own cowife in you.Your acting like you accept the situation but that is not the truth of it.Inside you are pissed and angry at your now husband for lying to you and not telling you that he was married for so long and had a baby.Your going to have to work through these feelings because u being passive aggressive towards your cowife is not going to get you anywhere but into a huge mess.
    Azam Polygamy has all these emotions involved but I am left wondering if u are willing to work through your anger and pain or if your more interested in $hitting all over your cowife.I don’t want u to think I am beating up on you because I that is not the truth I also see some of myself in what u are doing.In Polygamy we all go through highs and lows and we tend to be both little angels and demons at different times through are Polygamist marriages.I don’t know if I have ever really been passive aggressive but for certain I have been REALLY aggressive with my excowife in the past and even recently.My point is Don’t be Passive Aggressive towards her it’s not her fault your husband took her for a wife and it’s not her fault.
    I am left wondering HOW ON EARTH is her baby even near you ??? Did your husband bring the baby with him to meet you without your cowife knowing!I am really confused how u got close enough to take pictures with him and his baby?

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,

    Happy One month Anniversary! My Anniversary is on Tuesday it will be 14 yrs of dragging,screaming,kicking,beating each other to get to this point!I would laugh but I am being serious!
    Listen though don’t take this wrong and I would love to know if any of the other women on the blog get the same feeling I do about what u are doing…Listen u taking pictures with your husband and his daughter and posting them to social media is INSANE and I mean INSANE to me.I just want to scream at you and say Azam are u BAT SH!T CRAZY or WHAT! Azam u have a Biological child of your own I just can’t wrap my head around how insensitive you are towards your cowife.OK I am going to just say it out right U come across as a real B..CH to be BLUNT!!! U say u care about her feelings yet u know she don’t have a clue about u and your marriage and yet u claim u want to befriend her and… if that is not bad enough your now taking and posting pictures of her infant daughter on your social media page.I mean what kind of game are u playing here Azam? You being a mother yourself u Dang well know u would not go for some other woman posting pics of your child on FB without your permission and esp.. a woman that u know your husband is involved with you should KNOW BETTER!! The more u post about how you and your husband are handling things with his first wife I feel really sorry for that girl and I am telling u straight up u think u are being smart to do all these things but when she comes to know(AND SHE WILL) what u have been doing behind her back she is going to RIP YOUR @$$ and I would not blame her one bit if she decides to make your life a living Hell and tells her husband to either divorce u or she will divorce him and take the baby.I think deep down u are wanting her to divorce him and you and him raise the baby.I might be wrong but all your actions and words sure seem to come across that u don’t give a crap about your cowife.I remember u saying something about your husband getting the child if they were to divorce.I don’t know where u got this idea but I don’t believe for a second she will give her baby to you to raise.Straight up u are trying to live in some fantasy world where it is you and your husband and his baby daughter and u better get your head out of the clouds and come back down to reality.I am telling u straight u putting that picture of You and your husband and his baby of FB is going to come back to Bite u in the @$$ because it shows your lack of sympathy or any moral dignity where your cowife is concerned.

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani

    My heart breaks for your first wife having had four miscarriages. She must be emotionally mentally and PHYSICALLY drained and may feel useless like she can’t give you more kids or a son now she has to deal with this. I’m with the other ladies how do you know if the other woman can have kids, if she wants kids? If Allah made her barren or fertile? Allah gives children to who He Wills so don’t take issue with your wife.

    ” what’s meant for us will reach us even if it be beneath two mountain and what’s not meant to reach us will not reach us even if it be between our two lips”

    Despite all this you really do seem like a nice brother who cares deeply so InshaAllah Allah will make things clearer for you and help you to make a decision, the right decision

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani,

    I personally can totally understand your reasons for wanting to take a second wife which are perfectly normal.Let me ask u something… Knowing Pakistani culture and knowing if your second wife has a son or sons with you….and knowing that the sons stay with the father and the daughters leave after marriage and the sons get more family property than the daughters how would u handle this problem in the future.I don’t know if u have thought this far ahead yet or not but for certain it’s something u have to seriously think about because May G.D not DO if and when u do die this could put your first wife and your daughters in serious problem esp if the second wife and your sons no longer want to deal with your first wife and daughters.I know when men enter into Polygamy they have the best intentions but it rarely works out so great for the women involved.If u decide to go through with the second marriage then u really have to financially secure your first wife.
    Now I am going to go into Pakistani crazy culture here and bring up a possible solution to your problem.The long term solution would be that if your second wife has more than one son she give one son to your first wife to adopt as her son.It don’t have to be done through law but just between u and first wife and second wife.This way u know one of your sons will care for your first wife and your daughters financially after you are retired or die.Alot of people reading the blog might gasp at what I am proposing but it seems to be a fairly common practice in Pakistan for siblings to give a child esp a son… to another sibling to raise.Now I am not saying this doesn’t come with issues because G.D knows I have had my own issues surrounding these type of problems with my own cowife because I am raising her two biological children BUT this could be a real WIN WIN solution for you and your both wives if the second would agree to give a son to the first wife to raise and be financially responsible for your first wife and your daughters but and a very important BUT here u and both your wives would have to agree to raise all the children together as siblings.
    It’s something to think about and go over with both your wives.In your case sense u are doing this to gain sons I am assuming it would be a beautiful selfless gift from your second wife and you to your first wife.
    As far as your wife having to deal with nonsense from people abusing her about not providing a son she will have to learn to tell people very sternly to mind their own business.I know that is a very hard thing to do in Pakistan but more Pakistani women need to learn to tell people to shut their mouths and mind their own business so that they can save their own sanity.
    To be honest I can totally see why u need to remarry to have sons but if u do this please tread carefully where both wives are concerned because Polygamy is not easy and u know Pakistani families and neighbors are going to be all up in your business giving every kind of crazy advice and your first wife will have to deal the with all that nonsense so be kind with her is my advice.

  • Azam

    June 18, 2017

    I just wanted to say very much to everyone who has given their advice and critism for my own situation of plural marriage. Today is our one month anniversary! Plural marriage is not easy by any means. I do pray his first wife will come around to the idea, see me as a benefit to her and not a threat but I do understand her feelings. My husband and I take pictures together all the time and also take pictures of him, his daughter, and me together like one big happy family. I never post anything on social media about my life with him. Even though everything is private on my account, it’s not worth the risk of hurting his first wife. After being with him for 11 years, finding out he married 4 years ago, she’s been here 2 years, and they have a one year.. I could have walked away, but something inside of me knew I also had this as an option. It’s not perfect, I know that not living 2 hours away should help our relationship. But I do want to say thank you to everyone who put their time into letting me things, good or bad!

  • Serena

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    I forget to mention that coming and visiting Pakistan and staying with your wife and kids is way different to actually being married amd living there. Yes she will see and experience the culture but to an extent only.

    How long will she visit for? Will she be treated like a guest? Once she marries and lives there permanently only then she will get the true taste of Pakistani life.

    Please think carefully. You have daughters so would you want them to be second third or fourth wives or a first wife whose husband married again? I ask you because I would like to know how men feel about polygamy when it comes to their own sisters or daughters.

  • Serena

    June 18, 2017

    Salam

    Abdullah_Pakistani

    Apologies in advance incase you get offended by my post.

    You say you want more children. So what guarantee have you the new wife can have kids and if she can’t then what? You have daughters so are you hoping for a boy?

    You say you can’t refuse the new wife as you have given her your word. Well what about your wife who lost four babies. Do you know how traumatic that must be for your wife. Instead of sticking by her you are willing to cause her further pain and not forgetting to mention all that she will go through that Gail said.

    How did you get to know the Chechan woman? Most Pakistani love white skin hope thats not the underlying reason you chose her.

    Many Pakistani woman are unwilling to be second wives but there are some who will become second wives. Why didn’t you just search in Pakistan for one who understands the culture and language.

    To be honest I think you are being selfish just like the new wife who you said that she did not think how this new relationship would adversely affect your existing wife and daughters. That tells you something about her.

    What if emergency arises and new wife has to go back to her country like if some family member is ill. Are you really able to fund her trips?

    For your new wife you are paying for her to travel to Pakistan. Will she be living in your home without a mahram even though you are not going to be there. Who are you fooling? You think you will not see her a single time if she decides to visit. Why are you opening doors that could lead to temptation etc.

    Where will you keep the new wife once married?

    Only Allah knows your true intentions and I just hope theu are pure. Ameen to your duas.

  • Marah S

    June 18, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I was actually wondering, did you ever try to get outside help for you and your husband, from someone that he highly respects?

    I don’t know if it would be a good idea now though. It might just anger him or bruise his ego at this point.

  • Marah S

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani,

    Reading your posts is very eye opening for me. All along I always assumed polygamous men just didn’t care about what the wives go through so long as they get what they want. Or that men just seriously lack the ability to empathize.

    I guess it’s from all the years of reading about the husbands some of the women on this blog are dealing with.

    Even worse are the men who somehow convince themselves that they’re going into polygamy because they want to make a “sacrifice” or they’re doing it “for the sake of Allah” “to show the world how polygamy is done” https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif statements like those really confuse me. A man has to be seriously deluded to say things like that and believe his own words. But you seem like you’re honest with yourself, you haven’t convinced yourself that you’re some kind of super hero martyr for Islam lol!

    I understand what you mean by not wanting to retract the proposal. Especially if things have already come so far that she’s coming to meet your family. I think you should make istikhara and tell her to make istikhara as well. If it’s meant to be than Allah will make it easy for the both of you.

    Also I don’t recommend combining households. It’s okay for her to meet your family if your wife agrees and she agrees. But if you really do get married. Make sure they have separate homes maybe even far away from one another. Allah has given us these rights for a reason, it could seriously save you a lot of headache.

    It’s not going to be easy I can assure you that. You seem to have a good wife but there may be days that you won’t even recognize your wife because she’ll be so upset and hysterical. And don’t think it will be any different for the second wife. She’ll likely be an emotional reck after a while too, especially being in a foreign country. You’ll have to be ready for all of that. You’ll be the man at the center of it all.

    As you can tell by the situation of a lot of women on this blog, being a fair husband is not at all easy, most men fail miserably at being fair. When you say you wanted more children do you mean that you wanted a male child since you only have daughters?

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 18, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Rosa,
    I wanted to marry again for more children and because I am such a !@#$ or something to do with the getting 40s syndrome …
    The new wife to be has consented without thinking about how this new relation will adversely impact my first wife and daughters…
    That is why she is now been invited to an all expense free trip to our country to stay with my wife and daughters (I will be away the whole time). She should have a pretty good idea how it will be on daily basis and such …
    Anyways please do all pray for me that Allah SWA blesses me with what is best for may Deen , Dunya and Akirah and remove from us that is not good for our Deen , Dunya and Akhirah .. AMEEN

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani

    no matter what don’t lie to a possible second wife. Just like in hospitals when u go in for a surgery Give her all the risks be completely honest tell her it’s a chance she might die on the table. Let her make the choice for herself
    A friend of mine married a Pakistani she’s born and raised in the us just like myself and things didn’t end well for her at all. She was so unhappy. Her husband wasn’t in polygamy but she was still miserable. She couldn’t speak the language nor could they speak English. The husband spoke broken English so it was the language barrier, the crazy culture she literally went crazy now they’re divorced she’s back in the us with a couple of kids that came from the marriage. It’s very difficult to adapt to an unislanic culture and way of life. A lot of Pakistani are Muslim in name only and they’re culture is just badshit crazy

  • Faith

    June 18, 2017

    Ana

    May Allah forgive us all. I guess deep down I have not accepted Allah’s will that’s why I am holding on to grudges. I am exchanging pleasantries with her so maybe with time Allah will soften my heart. May Allah make it easy for us to accept His will and forgive others so we may be forgiven.

    Gail
    Wow, u have really gone through a lot. Honestly, I used to think polygamy was the worst thing that could happen to a woman. Where I come from in-laws use the threat of a second wife to force a wife to submission. U won’t believe how deadly some women can get because they don’t want to share. May Allah protect us. I don’t think my cowife is such a woman though the few times I met her, she seems to be someone that has taqwa. And I also pray for Allah’s guidance.

    I guess I just have to fully accept their marriage then I won’t have a problem using her gifts l believe I will get there hopefully soon. I don’t want to be rude to her by rejecting her gifts.

  • Rosa

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah Pakistani

    I’m also curious why you want another wife not that you need a reason like I said just curious. After reading Gail’s post I really think you need to tread carefully. This is a matter of life and death in your case. You’re putting your life and a second wife’s life on the line. If you do marry perhaps you should have your wives in two different countries I don’t know it just doesn’t seem safe after Gail shed light in the culture side of Pakistanis. They’re simply boo coo crazy yo. How can they claim to love and follow the Holy Last Prophet PBUH yet despise his way of life. It baffles me how people can be so openly arrogant

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 18, 2017

    AOA,
    Sister Gail,
    Thank you for your time and I find what you have said to be true. We are a small family and I know this will create a lot of problems for my first wife. She will have to keep explaining how she could not prevent me from marring another woman, that too of a different nationality and race. Similarly the second wife would be all alone with no relative or friends in Pakistan and would have to face being called a husband stealer or some such..
    Why I want to take up another wife? Well partly because me and first wife can not have anymore children, she lost the last four babies right into the fourth month of pregnancy every single time it got more and more traumatic, we tried a lot of doctors and medications but nothing worked and we started using protection since last three years.
    My biggest mistake is that I took my first wife into confidence after making sort of an engagement with this new lady. Had I sought her blessing prior to making the promise of marring this second lady I could have taken more time to understand how much hurt this will cause my first wife and daughters. Secondly I live in an imaginary utopia .. my happy place so to speak .. in my mind my wife and children were not getting hurt rather they were having a new member of the family to love … how stupid.. stupid of me ..
    ALL I NEED RIGHT NOW IS someone or some thing to have this second lady change her mind about marrying me, I myself cannot find it in my heart to go back on my words in order to save my family…

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Isabella,

    I think your caught between a rock and hard place for sure but If I were you I would talk to your fiance(not sure what to call him) and let him know his wife came and begged u not to marry him.I would leave the ball in his court to be frank.
    I will tell u this straight up if he is looking for a second wife then he will get a second wife.
    Let me ask u though are u ok with knowing that him and his first wife did do a love marriage and have u asked him if he loved her then why he is wanting a second wife? I mean there should be some reason he wants a second wife logically speaking.If he satisfies your mind and u are a million percent certain u are not going to try to get him to divorce his first wife then I think u should go back to her and tell her that u are going ahead with the marriage and ask her straight up how many woman she plan on trying to talk out of marrying him because he seems determined to take a second wife.
    I wouldn’t not marry him just because she can’t handle it to be honest.She has the right to divorce him.Don’t let her problem become your problem but 100% u got to talk to your fiance let him know whats going on and get his affairs straight with his first wife before he drags u into the crazy zone! U don’t want to marry him just for him to turn around and divorce you because his first wife has left him and took their kids understand?Tread carefully and make 100 certain he will not divorce u if it comes push or shove should u marry him.

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Flower,

    Thank u I am also a huge advocate of homeschooling.My son Adam is nothing short of a genius and I totally thanks G.D for giving me the idea to teach the children at home.Adam has taken 4 test now making a 100% on all 4 test in his Aviation program.He amazes me at how much he knows about everything.Right now he is watching Yellow Stone and whats going on there with the latest 4.5 earthquake.Nasa is using some telescope that measures gases or something like that.All I know is they normally use it to look at stars.lol
    He thinks I am so simple! compared to him I am.My other kids are normal so u don’t talk so much about them but they are great kids as well! My oldest son and middle son are both studying to get their Class A CDL and my daughter wants to be a chef but to be honest I am pushing her towards law.I really am not certain what path she will take just yet.
    My son Adam is also going for corporate law as well as becoming a commercial Pilot.

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Abdullah_pakistani,

    My name is Gail and I am a an American white woman married to a Pakistani Syed Shia.Listen u know Pakistan frowns on Polygamy esp the women HATE it.My question to u is how u going to even begin to pull off marrying a woman outside your family? U know that all the women are going to tease your wife that she couldn’t handle her man so he went and got another wife.U must know this is going to cause so much anger and resentment in her towards you.
    Listen my husband went through all this nonsense that u are fixing to go through yourself.My husbands first wife was Paksitani and they had 2 children.Long story short my husband divorced her legally according to Pakstani law but kept her on the side for 8 yrs.He moved to USA with me and we brought his 1 yr old baby boy at the time.His first wife was 8 months pregnant when we married.She birthed a daughter which she kept with her until the child was 6 and then I brought the child to USA to live with us.All during these yrs my excowife was seething with anger inside and was always looking to try to find a way to force my husbands hand to divorce me but he never would because we had a biological son together.I should mention his first wife was his cousin as well.When I say his first wife tried to force my husbands hand to divorce me I mean she really did.She and her mother talked my inlaws into marrying my husbands sister with my cowife’s brother understand.My cowife and family verbally abused my sister inlaw for yrs and had her call my husband and ask him to divorce me etc…
    My point is I am trying to make here is are u 100% certain with u living in Pakistani culture u can take so much abuse on you.U know your inlaws are going to mentally disturb your parents if they are still living not to mention your siblings etc.. My husband and inlaws had to cut off their entire family because everyone demanded my husband divorce me.U honestly can’t imagine how nasty and horrible the fighting became.My inlaws ended up having to take my sister inlaws divorce which was NOT easy because it was her second marriage and she had a small baby at the time.
    I personally am not against Polygamy but when u said u were Pakistani and your wife was your cousin my thought was not possible he is going to pull this off without screwing up his life.
    I am curious why are u taking another wife knowing that this is going to cause a huge rift in your entire family? or have u not thought that far down the road yet?
    Listen if u do decide to marry this other woman u have got to keep them separate because your wife or some family member might try to poison your second wife and I’m not joking.I was poisoned and I had to be rushed to a specialist because my B/P dropped so low.This is not a game u have to think seriously now how u will handle having two wives.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 18, 2017

    what they mean by husband last name is his surname

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Azam,
    It would be your husbands family name.Like in my husbands family all the men have the same last name.So u would ask him what name all the men use in the family understand? If they all have different names then ask your husband what he considers his family name or last name.

  • Gail

    June 18, 2017

    Faith,
    I can honestly say I truly loved my cowife.I had all the emotions and pain every wife goes through but I honestly tried my very best with her.I wanted very much for us to live together as a one family unit but my cowife was going behind my back trying to blackmail my husband into divorcing me while being nice to my face(she is a backbiter type person).Looking back now I wasted my time trying with her because she was worthless to be frank.I am a firm believer in sticking it out through thick and thin esp if kids are involved which in our case we have 4 but my excowife she was all about herself and trying to get rid of me.
    To be honest I am not a very good person to ask on this topic because I am very bitter towards her right now(we recently got into a argument) She recently told me she got married and I flew off on her because it made me furious.Don’t get me wrong some part of me is happy for her she has moved on but this other part of me is really pissed at her for not sticking it out.I went through Cancer twice and I developed a life threatening Stomach condition called Gastroparesis.The doctors also thought I had breast cancer in both my breast which thanks G.D turned out to be benign tumors in both breast BUT I still had to go through a double breast biopsy and have titanium markers places in both of my breast.She should have been here helping me with the kids instead my 11 yr old daughter at the time had to take up the slack and start cooking and cleaning because I was to ill to leave my bed for months and months.I have a really hard time forgiving her for not stepping up and helping me with her own kids.
    Now in saying all this my situation has nothing to do with u.If your cowife hasn’t done anything to you then I suggest to you not to be a horses @$$.In my world if u are not going to use the gift she got u then u really haven’t accepted it by heart.I don’t know your situation but believe me when I say there are alot worse things in this world than having a cowife.I would have been so happy had my cowife stood beside me and not tried to create havoc in mine and her life for no reason.Even if she told me sorry today I would forgive her truly because it would be the right thing to do.
    Let me ask u something what is your main issue with having a cowife? Is it sharing your husband sexually or having to half your time or something else?What I am trying to say is u have to be honest with yourself about what is eating you up inside about your situation and then u have to try to fix it.
    Bottom line if u accepted a gift from your cowife then truly accept it and use the gift is my advice.Hope this helps.

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 18, 2017

    I never hurt my wife like this before, I admit I made many many mistakes, I was 27 and she was 20 when we married I was far from being a perfect husband but I never ever was unfaithful, I never had any girl friends, I never had any dates etc .. I was not a very romantic person to start with and being an avid hunter and off road enthusiast didn’t leave much time in the early days .. now I have quit every thing except smoking .. go to office come back right home..
    I can try to explain why I wanted to have a second wife .. to me it simply seemed to be a fine idea at the time …I led myself to believe that my wife will be ok with it and even a little amused.

    now I feel so helpless .. I have quit chatting with the Chechen sister and handed over to my wife to talk to her and plan with her the visit and stay..my wife is being very patient and cooperative but I can feel her sadness, disappointment and helplessness .. she is afraid that this new wife will make her less relevant in my life and my daughters will be very adversely affected …

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 18, 2017

    AOA,
    Dear All, today I stumbled upon this website and spend a few hours reading all my sister’s posts, some I remember, some I got mixed up but on the whole it seems to me that most of you are NOT being treated justly .. and this is very sad and frightening for me since I happened to have proposed to a sister recently for her hand in marriage as my second wife and she has accepted and I seemed to have landed myself in quite a tough situation, day after day I see this second marriage thing being more and more complicated than I ever imagined it to be, while being married happily for past 13 years to my dear dear wife ….
    May Allah SWA grant me what is best for my Islam, my this world and the hereafter, and remove from me that is NOT good for my DEEN, DUNYA AND AKHIRA .. AMEEN

    It is long story how being in Pakistan I got engaged to a Chechen Muslim sister at the age of 40! being bald and married with loving wife of 13 years and two lovely daughters MA SHA ALLAH …

    I just can not bring myself to retract my offer of marriage to this sister yet I am afraid that my life would get too complicated and I will end up hurting my daughters, my first wife , this second wife and my In Laws who are my Uncle and Aunty as well …… my sisters are telling me not to act in haste and I have assured them that I will not marry unless the new lady comes here to Pakistan, lives with my wife and daughters and sees our home, neighborhood, city and country and then makes an informed decision … I pray Allah SWA blesses this lady with a better husband … but if she still accepts, I will marry her no matter how much my first wife begs me not to …for I proposed in haste but it was a word given by a Muslim and should be kept.. being unaware of the complications and how my wife would take it so hard… her beautiful smile is gone and she looks at me with those sad, lovely eyes, silently accusing me of stabbing her in the heart for some stranger ..
    May ALLAH SWA guide me .. May Allah SWA bless me with what is good for me, my wife and daughters DEEN, DUNYA and AKIRAH .. AMEEN

  • Abdullah_Pakistani

    June 18, 2017

    AOA,
    Dear Sister Heartbroken,
    I read your posts and am compelled to share my comments and suggestions.
    1- Your husband seems to be “entirely unaware of how to be just”.
    In polygamy the husband has to be just in finance, time and sex.
    2- Justice starts from the time second marriage starts, what ever he has given you earlier is not to be accounted for at all.
    3- New wife brings her own “rizk” i.e sustenance with her. What I mean is your husband has to divide current income justly what he earned right up to the second marriage is combined sustenance blessed by Allah SWA for you, your children and your husband and new wife should technically have no right to his savings etc (that’s how I interpret Islam and I may be wrong since in case Allah SWA takes your husband away his inheritance will be shared equally between the two wives and children will have separate shares irrespective of when he earned it)
    4- Please ask your In-laws to call you, your husband and second wife to smooth out the mess, since your husband obviously is not managing it right, record the event if need be for future reference, do it together without drama and emotions but do it soon. He is doing injustice and adversely effecting the emotional health of not only you but your children.
    5- Your husband should know that children are the fruit of marriage and if they get ruined his entire life will amount to zero no matter how big a mansion he puts his new wife in.
    6- It is your right to have intimacy with your husband no matter what problems the other wife is facing, it is not relevant and should never be considered as a valid excuse by your husband to deprive you, he needs to realize this or I am afraid he will have to answer to Allah SWA for this all …
    7- It is not just to put new wife on onside of the financial equation and you plus the children on the opposite side, he should first prioritize the children and then the remaining amount split in two.
    8- Lastly please consult some scholar that your husband and his family respects to intervene and guide them about the authentic Islamic way of being just in polygamy.
    May ALLAH SWA bless you with happiness, courage and save us all from doing injustice and zulm. AMEEN

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Azam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Sis, please help me out; don’t put any information in the website box when you sign in or if it generates itself, please delete it. I always have to go in and manually remove it, because it generates an error message. Thank youhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    So, his family said that you are your husband’s “spiritual wife”? That’s different. I have never heard of that in relation to Islam. Where did that come from? https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    About your last name and being a convert, I have no expertise or knowledge about it to be able to advise you on it. I am a revert/convert as well. I took my husband’s last name when we married. If I did anything wrong with regard to it, I pray Allah will forgive me for it.

  • Azam

    June 17, 2017

    This maybe an odd question, it’s about changing my last name. I understand I am his spirtual wife, his famil told me they actually didn’t even register his marriage to his first here in the states.I am shocked about that. Anyhow, now I want to change my last name 1) I am a new convert and don’t want my ex-husbands last name. 2) I know I can $165 & change my last name to whatever I want. My question is what is my last name suppose to be? Example let’s say my husband’s name was Foorq Ahmed… would my last name be Foorq… or would my last name be Ahmed?

  • Flower

    June 17, 2017

    Wa alaykum salaam sis Ana

    Aww, your too kind. We’re all awesome women doing our thang. I know you enjoyed your vacation as always. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Faith, As Salaamu Alaikum ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’ve given your posts some thought. I know how hurt you must be as to how your husband’s other marriage came about and the deceit. I could imagine how difficult it is to let go of the thoughts about it and the anger.

    I’ll just mention what I’m sure you already know. Until you forgive him and her, you will be stuck right where you are now. You won’t be able to move forward.

    You could go through the motions and exchange pleasantries with her and exchange the gifts that you refuse to use. It won’t get you any place, as it’s not really in your heart. Although, you’re doing good in not being nasty to her.

    To move forward, you need to really believe and understand that Allah wrote the script. All that happened was decided by Allah. Your husband and his other simply carried out Allah’s will. I don’t think you want to have a problem with that.

    Furthermore, Allah says in the Quran to forgive and overlook faults. Allah will deal with them for any wrong that they’ve done for which they haven’t repented and asked Allah for forgiveness for. Perhaps Allah has forgiven them.

    You don’t have to have anything to do with her. You’re doing nicely by giving her the salaams and being cordial. I think if you really don’t want to be bothered with her and accept anymore gifts that you know you don’t want and must bother you to see them, let her or your husband know that it’s just too much right now. Let them know you need space to digest all that has happened – that you need room to breathe.

    Those are just my thoughts on what you shared https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Flower

    June 17, 2017

    Assalamu alaykum Isabella

    Welcome to the 411, you found the right place. I understand your predicament. Not many plural wives to be get an unexpected visit from the 1st wife. Im sure it was very uncomfortable to be put in that position. Now you’ve came here concerned about her and her children. It is true that most women will go through an awful time when their husband Marries another, BUT so do the newer wives once they’ve become emotionally invested in the man they married. You may feel some kind of guilt if you marry him and you may feel some kind of resentment towards his current wife if you don’t. Either way both feelings are not ones we like. It’s a catch 22. At the end of it all it’s you that has to live with the decision to marry or not. I dont think the right question is how other wives have dealt with guilt or any other negative feelings in regards to being a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. how does a woman deal with the feelings of trying and sometime succeeding in denying another woman a husband, although I wouldn’t say that woman is successful in anything other than harming herself.

    Since you are experiencing hesitation based on the 1st wife feelings id say she (the 1st wife) has a chance of a kind, caring co (you). Her husband could end up marrying someone who could care less about her and her children. Now, that would be an awful situation. She may shun you and end up with a right so and so for a co. Her bad.

    The thing that bothers me is you made the effort to enquire and understand your co to be, Her feelings, her children but she has not thought of you at all. As a 1st wife, I did go through a thing before their wedding and I had thoughts of rejecting the idea and doing all I could to stop it, BUT encouraging a single life for my sister who wants to be married seemed very selfish and unfair. I didn’t let her know I was and would struggle because I didn’t want to put anything negative in her path. Most of all I believed that i would be rewarded for my hardships if i kept the right intention. On top of that, if my husband wanted another wife and I kicked up such a fuss and her didn’t marry her, I’d only spend precious time worrying about when the next one will come along. So, I grabbed the bull by the horns and took the very bumpy ride.

    You should ask yourself how you will feel when your husband leaves after your nights and returns to his current wife. How do you feel about sharing intimacy, love, time, attention. The 1st will have to go though this too, but it doesn’t take any of the negative feelings from you. Maybe some of the women who married in order of 2nd could advise you on how they dealt with that. What you could expect if the 1st is very unaccepting of the situation. She may cause trouble,ring his phone constantly, turn up at your front door. We already know she’s brave enough to approach you.

    I think these are the questions you need to ask and ponder on. We cannot relive someone of a burden if that’s what is willed for them. The life of a Muslim is filled with hardships as you would have already experienced. Maybe being a “spinster” was a hardship and marriage would be your ease. We don’t know, all we can do it put a good intention and rely on Allah. May Allah guide to what will be good for you. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Flower,

    Hey there, As Salaamu Alaikum, ๐Ÿ™‚

    Certainly, Tunis is a wonderful member of the blog, and so are you. I hope you’re having a blessed Ramadan, and you make the most of the last days this Ramadan, too. Thanks for the reminder and for stopping in https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Flower

    June 17, 2017

    Hiya all.
    I haven’t commented in such a long time but have read a majority of the comments.

    Gail
    I’m so happy your business is thriving and your family is doing well, especially Adam, I’m a strong advacater of home schooling and your family are a perfect example of how much home schooled children can excel. You go girl,

    Tunis, don’t worry to much that you seem to flip flop all over the place. It’s so completely normal to have one or two good days and then, bam, it’s seems your back to square one. Look a little closer and you’ll see that going from no good days to one is progress, keep striving sis, keep going. Even though you feel your not living up to what you write here you are a wonderful member of the blog and your posts have benefited me more than once.

    I hope everyone is have a blessed and fulfilling ramadaan and make the most of the last few days. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Isabella,

    I see it that either you marry the man because Allah allows it, or you not marry him, but put the other woman and her children before yourself.

    Any woman is going to have a difficult time adjusting when her husband takes another wife. The difficulties stem from various reasons that are too many to go into in a single response to you. Nonetheless, women are coping and growing in acceptance of the lifestyle, (polygamy) which is a good way of life.

    You have a weighty decision because the woman came to you, bringing her children and pleaded with you for you not to marry her husband. She played on your emotions.

    You could try to spare her feelings, but it is not to say that he won’t go do what is lawful and marry someone else. It’s doesn’t have to be you and the woman whom it will be would have done nothing wrong.

    If that man’s current wife is meant to live in a polygamous marriage, it will be. No one can escape her or his fate. If that woman is meant to live in a polygamous marriage, there is no amount of pleading, begging, crying and using her children to get sympathy and to secure her position that will make a difference.

    At least the women who are in polygamous marriages and are focused on Allah and our purpose of life have an opportunity for purification of their souls, so that they may have a chance to enter Jannah. It’s unlike women like the one who came to your home, humiliated herself and opposes polygamy. We cannot enter Jannah unless we accept the whole of the Quran.

    On another note, the hypothetical that you gave about the “Mother of the Believers” was impossible for me to fathom. I know they wouldn’t intentionally make unlawful (polygamy) what Allah has made lawful. I could see them telling the woman who came pleading and begging that she needs to work on her faith in Allah

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Isabella, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome to the blog. It’s nice to hear that you’ve been reading, and it’s nice that you’ve joined the discussions, as well.

    About your post, I’d imagine you’re probably conflicted right about now, as you’ve come to imagine what it would be like to be married. You now have an opportunity to have a husband. Allah knows best if another opportunity will come along if you pass up this one.

    There isn’t much that I can say, as you’d like to hear replies from a “moral” perspective. I’m not sure what that means. I try, most of the time to base what I say on religion (way of life) in light of the fact that Islam is our way of life. It affects everything about our lives. So, to speak from a moral view oppose to religious is confusing for me. Unless you mean speak from a non-Muslim perspective. I dunno shrug.

  • Tasliyman

    June 17, 2017

    Issabella,

    I am not sure if you have me confused with someone else because I very seldom, if ever, talk about my co-wife here on the blog. So I am not sure why you think that she is not happy.

    The one big difference in our scenarios is that when my husband proposed, my brother (whom I love and respect dearly) requested that a meeting be arranged with his first wife to ensure that she is aware of what he is planning AND that she agrees.

    The meeting took place and the first wife confirmed to my brother that she knew about his plans and that she agrees. My brother would not have given me his blessing if the first wife was crying and begging that I dont marry her husband. And I would not have gone against his wishes.

    Obviously, it was no walk in the park for her and it took her quite some time to get to a good place. But a few years down the line – and a whole lot of emotional maturing on both wives and husband’s side – and we have all reached a good and peaceful place algamdulillah.

  • Isabella

    June 17, 2017

    I know it’ s not islamic the way she does. But I think about mother of believers. If one of them was approched by present wive( wives) & begged not to marry & have mercy, would she proceed or sacrifice?

  • Isabella

    June 17, 2017

    Salam sisters. I was reading this blog for last two months & read lots of threads.I’ m born muslimah born \ raised in west. I’m what is called spinster of 35 years old. Some months ago one man known as good decent man in our community, approched my parents & asked marry him as second wive. My parents said choice is my & they will respect any of mine decision. Man is 42, has wive in late 30s & 3 kids( age 14,7 & 3).I heard they had love martiage & both went against their families in order to ger married( as they from different countries). He informed his wive & she was devasted.She came my house during family dinner time along with all her kids.She CRIED & begged not to marry her husband as she said she loves him too much to share & in such case divorce is more appealing to her.She really WAS BEGGING. So now my parents advice me to leave the idea as they dont want their marriage will be dedtroyed & kids will suffer & affected for test of their lives. I’ m already feek guilty that somehow i m reason of her cries. I’m not sure i can proceed with this marriage now. I want to ask sisters who married as second wives how to deal with guilt. Are here sisters second wives whose co-wives(first wives) left marriage or live miserable life. I think if I m not wrong Mary2′ co wive left marriage & Taslyman’ co wive not happy. Would like to hear from them. But please give me answer not from religious point of view. I know all of that. I want to hear from moral point of view. Thanks.

  • Serena

    June 17, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud

    To know what the scholars think it’s best you ask them. However what the sisters have stated should not be ignored.

    Also please clarify what you mean by sacrifice that you are going to make by taking another wife.

  • Serena

    June 17, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    Sister sometimes I think you are being harsh on yourself but its a result of how your husband is being towards you since he is in polygamy.

    Stop labelling yourself as being stupid etc. Dow think negative of yourself because it will makw you seem like you are never doing anything right. One major good point is that you realise when you slip.

    I don’t think there was anything wrong with you trying to see if you could handle the jealousy when he was on the phone. You just shouldn’t have followed him when he moved out of the room because that was his way of letting you know he didn’t want you listening.

    Sister don’t worry we all make mistakes. Learn your lesson from it. Next time inshaAllah if similar situation happens and he moves away while on the phone or if his phone rings and hw walks away from you just get the message it’s a private phone call.

    Nothing wrong with wanting to be complimented by your husband. The thing is you want to feel that he still loves and wants you but he is not showing it how you like. He is still with you. He could have left you but he hasn’t.

    He probably just saying divorce if you can’t handle it. Then again just be careful because like Heartbroken husband he probably wish you take step of divorce ao he doesn’t feel guilty.

    Sister Allah knows what you want. These last days/nights of ramadan are special. Don’t waste them for anybody. Use your time wisely and ask Allah for all you want. Keep thanking Allah for all you have.

    Alhumdulillah you are spending ramadan with your husband. What about his other wife first ramadan as a married woman and can’t open her fast with her husband.

  • Marah S

    June 17, 2017

    A. Mahmud

    A man doesn’t need the permission of his wife to get married to another. But the honorable thing to do is to inform her that her life is about to change. It’s her life that he’s messing with, and she will be severely impacted by his decision. So at least have enough respect for her as an adult.

    I just don’t understand it, People tell their children when they move to a different house because it’s the right thing to do. But suddenly forget all about honesty and decency when I comes to this.

    The way I see it people only sneak around and hide things when they’re scared or they’re doing something shameful.

    If a man is so scared of the reaction his first wife will have that he can’t even find the courage to tell her, then maybe he shouldn’t be marrying a second wife after all. Maybe he should think twice about whether or not he can really be fair and fulfill the conditions of polygamy. If he’s already so worried about how his wife will react that he has to sneak around then I’d say it’s obvious already that he is not ready for a polygamous life style. it’s not a good sign at all.

    Also if the man feels the need to hide and sneak around because he’s ashamed of what he’s doing, Then maybe he also shouldn’t be polygamous. Polygamy is an acceptable lifestyle just like monogamy, it shouldn’t be like a dirty little secret. If living polygamy brings him so much shame that he needs to keep it a secret. Then he should not be pursuing it.

    Furthermore how could anyone ever think a situation like that is going to end well.

  • Rosa

    June 17, 2017

    Faith

    Take your time. InshaAllah in remembrance of Allah you will get to a good place very soon. That was really low of them both. Don’t understand why they couldn’t be honest and forthcoming to begin with. Take one day at a time

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    The story that he related sounded like somebody’s worse nightmare. It was horrifying.

  • Rosa

    June 17, 2017

    Adeniyi mahmud

    Wow that was very tough to read. It’s hard to believe how low people would stoop because of polygamy. It’s really not that deep. It makes one think of the fact that we are not supposed to make what Allah made halaal, haraam. That’s exactly what’s happening with the Imam and his first wife. When I think of Imam, I think of a righteous upstanding God fearing exemplary man. Sneaking around, getting married on the side, being at his first wife’s beacon call as if she’s some type of idol in the days of ignorance, putting his second wife in such a hostile environment I’m sorry but he hardly seems like a person anyone should look up to nor listen to

  • Faith

    June 17, 2017

    When she calls me on phone, I am cordial to her, and when I feel like doing a good deed, I call her or send a text message to her. But I can’t bring myself to use any of her gifts for myself or my kids anymore.

  • Faith

    June 17, 2017

    Rosa

    I am a first wife, I have been married to my husband for 9years, he told opened up to me about a lady who had a child for him before we married late last year. (They dated and she got pregnant for him and left for her country. She didn’t come back until after we were married.) SO last year he told me about her, that she is a friend and a widow and I should try and get to know her, which I did. We met a couple of times, spoke on phone, exchange gifts, befriended my kids, not knowing they were already married and he had gotten an apartment for her very close to me and she had already started moving in. I found out they were married February this year and a lot of lies I was told just to be sympathetic towards her.

    I am accepting Allah’s will, but they both deceived me now I do not have an iota of respect for the both of them. I just trying to find a way to live with my husband peacefully for my peace of mind and my kids.

    After finding out about their deception, he was still trying to get me to befriend her and was trying to make me look bad, saying oh she is nice, she won’t disturb you. I just told him to that she should keep you her lane and I keep to mine so there won’t be any trouble, if Allah wills we will be friends

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    You asked, “what does the scholars says about marriage behind a tough first wife, is it allowed or not?”

    I don’t know what the scholars say. I know that a man doesn’t need his wife to give him permission or say that it’s okay for him to take on a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. Allah has given men the permission to do it. Allah allows it. It’s the only thing that matters. Allah says don’t make unlawful what He has made lawful. Polygamy is one such thing.

    Allah tells us that believers conduct their affairs with mutual consultation. With that said, a husband should discuss with his wife his intention to marry another woman. After all, it will affect her life. She should have a say about something as serious as her husband taking on another wife, as it will undoubtedly affect her. He could listen and consider what she says. Ultimately, he makes his intention. Allah will bring it into being or won’t. Allah is the doer of what He wills.

    The story that you related is one of a sorry, pathetic, weak man who is lead by his wife. He is supposed to be the leader of the household and the authoritative figure. She shouldn’t be. That man has made his wife into his lord. He does what his wife says, not what Allah says. Allah doesn’t tell a man to do that. The man is supposed to be the protector and maintainer of WOMEN. Allah says that He has given the man a degree more than what He has given the woman. That man is committing a serious sin by running behind his wife like that, kissing her butt, being at her beckon call and doing all that she says. It sounds to me that he is being humiliated and agonized. It’s what he deserves. Allah is a Just God.

    If a man CANNOT stand up and be a man, discuss with his wife his intention to marry another woman, and go and do it without hiding and lying, then he needs to stay monogamous. Apparently, polygamy isn’t for him.

    Women respect men. They don’t respect men who act like a doormat for the woman to walk all over.

  • Rosa

    June 17, 2017

    Tunis another thing….

    It seems your husband thought and maybe still thinks you were above all this getting jealous, envy, lashing out etc and I think if that’s the case it wasn’t right to assume such a thing as you’re still a woman at the end of the day, a human who wants love n affection just like any other wife

    With the help of Allah you can overcome this sis

  • Rosa

    June 17, 2017

    Tunis

    Bottom line is you have to see Allah in every situation. When your husband was talking on the phone that could have been a test from Allah to see how you’d react. See if you would stay in the bedroom and go about your business or cross that line into the living room where your husband is apparently chatting with his other wife. Every second of our lives is one big test. Every small and big situation consider them tests. Allah tests us with one another. You have to start seeing Allahs Decree in everything.
    I agree with the other ladies, don’t beat yourself up calling yourself names. You don’t become okay overnight. It took me years to get to a good place. Thinking back to my earlier days Tunis I too would get enraged knowing my husband was on the phone with his other wife now it’s so silly and so so small to me
    It’s not up to you to test yourself, you are not aware of your strength and don’t know if the timing is right to take matters into your own hands and test yourself Allah is all aware all Wise. Allah tests us so there’s no need to test your own strength and weaknesses.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Tunis,

    It’s not that your husband should do as you do and put himself in your shoes or anyone else shoes. He is not you and he is not like you. He is a man and you are a woman.

    Allah says that in no way is the male like the female. He says that if he wanted us all to be the same, he would have created us that way.

    Just because you try to put yourself in someone else shoes, doesn’t mean that it’s what others will do or should do. Try to see things based on what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Tunis,

    You asked about your husband’s repeated threats to split up or divorce you, if you continue to be jealous. Well, you could only wait and see if it happens.

    Just because he threatens you doesn’t mean you won’t become jealous. Jealously is something that is felt in the heart. Remember Allah controls the heart. Satan whispers to a person, and if the person entertain the thoughts/listens to Satan, it takes the person down a path that isn’t good. The person acts out in an ugly way or suffers internally.

    You may want to control your jealousy, which is good, but apparently you’re not in control of that. Wouldn’t it be nice if one could simply snap one’s finger, and say I won’t ever be jealous again and it happens.

    Your husband is foolish to think that all it takes is for you to will yourself to no longer be jealous, and it happens. Apparently, he thinks he could threaten you with leaving or divorcing you and you’ll straighten up and fly right. You, yourself see that as much as you want to control your jealousy or get rid of it, it’s not within your power. It’s not to say that it won’t ever happen. It’s just that it’s not happening now. Fighting jealousy is part of one’s personal jihad (battle).

    Allah knows best whether your husband will leave you or divorce you, if you continue to display traits of jealousy. Don’t dwell on it or fear your husband. Fear Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2017

    Tunis,

    I read what you said to Rosa. Did you really think that your husband would sit there in front of you and chat with his other wife as though you weren’t there? Only an inconsiderate person or an idiot would do such a thing, knowing that the wife would take issue to that. Your husband knows that you are not okay with his marriage to the other woman. He’s not a dunce. He has accused you of pretending, which he may not be wrong.

    You said he was talking out in the open, so you thought he didn’t mind. He was in the living room talking. You were in the bedroom. I assume he thought he had a semblance of privacy. When he realizef that he didn’t as you intruded, he got up and left to talk in private. It isn’t anything out of the norm in my book.

    You said you wanted to test your jealousy and work through it. Really? How do you think you’d react if he began saying to the person on the other end of the phone, how much he misses her, can’t wait to get to her and want her badly? Come on, Tunis. Be for real….

    I don’t think it took any reading between the lines or reading someone’s mind to know that a husband wants to speak in private with his other wife. Even if you thought he was talking to some Joe Blow, when you realized that he wasn’t you could expect and understand that he’d not want to talk in front of you and he’d leave the room.

  • Marah S

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis,

    I agree with everyone else, it’s normal to fall into weakness every once in a while, but please don’t beat yourself up so much. I hope you feel better soon.

  • Tunis

    June 16, 2017

    Ana wa alaikum salam

    I havent read all you wrote yet..just wanted to comment..how come he keeps bringing up us splitting/ or divorce if im gonna be jealous…why dobt a man put himself in our shoes also….i do try on his shoes and her shoes to get a better understanding and empathy or compassion for them and each persons situation in dealing andgrowing with polygamy….but i dont totally feel that from him…its more like get on board or hes gonna jump ship….lol

  • Tunis

    June 16, 2017

    Rosa…I wasnt trying to find out who he was talking to..and perhaps I wasnt clear.. he got up and left…i mean..i just thought it weird that hed talk out in open then when I sit down he suddenly get up and go. If he wanted privacy then go into another room…or is it the wives are supposed to be the ones to read between lines or minds all the time…yes my first feeling was he was talking to wife…and i wanted to overcome jealousy and be real and comfortable in front of each other..sure if a husband wants to talk all lovey dovey than HE should do it more private…you mean it must be like. “Hey wife..figure out what im doing .get it? I wasnt trying to figure who he was talking too…i guess i was pushing myself to overcome jealous thoughts and deal with it..haha..but when he got up..I suddenly felt lke i was intrufdng in a space ….or was my intention not pure. I just thought it was a way for me to help me…but it backfired…AND i got defensive…so therefore i believe my intentions were not pure..but noisy…cause then he said…so i will just talk infront of you next time…but thats what i thought he was doing..and was feeling strong about it….ugh..this is SO complicated…
    I havent read Ana s comments yet!

    I feel i am doing it all wrong ladies. ..thats all

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I approved your last post so late, as I just pulled it out of the spam queue. I don’t know why it went there.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 16, 2017

    There is a case of a woman whose husband was an Imam in my area.The Imam has n’t got the mind to tell his wife about taking second wife due to her toughness. So for many years, the Imam could not attempt it but one day he finally did but behind his first wife. After the wedding, the news got to the wife through her friend who was at the wedding. Immediately she heard, she summoned the husband saying to him ; The wife: ‘I know you have n’t got the mind to do it and I want you to tell which of your friend push you to it
    The husband: none of them.
    The first wife: I know is that your lawyer friend who have two wife.If I ever get hold of him, he shall never try it again.
    The husbnd:he is not the one and he is not aware of the wedding.The first wife:Okay its so and so he must never step into this house again.The husband:No he is not the one.The first wife:Okay, i am not angry again bring the woman so i can welcome her. The husband: Are you sure to embrase her?The first wife: Yes i mean it .(So the husband convince the second wife to come)The first wife:(addressing the second wife)Are you the greedy woman who came to steal the property of my husband. You have not seen an abode yet I shall ensure I kill you.(the second wife knelt down immediately)’ Please don’t kneel down for me and get out our house. So the second wife left.The husband could not say a word before his first wife that very day.
    The first wife: cried and summon all the children especially the females for a meeting behind the husband.So she came up with her after so many days of fighting and shouting at her husband.The first wife:I need all the furnitures in the house replace with new onces , an additional shop should be rented for her filled with commodities she will be selling, the flat which they are living should be willed for her(despite the husband had earlier build a Bongallow for her in her home town),she demand her husband take her to that very year hajj.
    By Allah’s grace the husband was able to fulfil all her condition.The first wife,despite everything start corsing the second wife on phone everyday becuase they were not staying in the same house.So one day the second wife started responding back saying she has been patient enough for her.
    My question now is that what does the scholars says about marriage behind a tough first wife, is it allowed or not?

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis, one last thing. It seems your husband still is into you. He went to Jummah with you. He came back home with you. He’s there with you. Your husband hasn’t abandoned you. Alhumdulliah. Thank Allah much for it.

    Take it a day at a time. Stop expecting him to be all up your butt the way he to the co. Your husband can only be what he is and not what you want him to be.

    On the other hand, he needs to stop wanting you to be what he wants you to be. It’s neither here nor there, as you can’t control him.

    We need to strive to be what Allah wants us to be – obedient servants to HIM. We will go willing or we will go unwillingly, but we will go -submit to His will. It’s what Islam is about – submission to the will of Allah!

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said you want your husband to do certain things such as kiss you, say you’re pretty and smell good etc. Was he doing all those things before he married the other woman? Even if he was, you have to realize that he is married to someone else and the marriage is in it’s beginning stages. He may be more in tuned to her right now. He may be more into her, for the time being. It’s what we refer to as the “honeymoon” stage.

    Apparently, she is going through a thing now too, which is probably why he is catering to her. For him to expect you to understand what she’s going through and blah, blah, blah is asking a bit much. He’s married to her. You’re not. That is his wife. It’s expected that you will not bother her, harass her and things of that nature. However, I don’t know what he expects you to do about her malfunction. It’s the baffling part that he’s putting her problems onto you.

    Getting back to it being Allah’s decision – your husband is going to do what Allah has decreed. You may want your husband to be more loving, affectionate, romantic and all those things. It’s your expectation. Your husband doesn’t dance to your beat. It sounds to me that you want the romance that he and his other wife have now. That is for them, NOW. Did you not have it before in your marriage? Even if you didn’t, apparently it’s not for you, at least not now. It all comes back to jealousy and envy. Allah can remover it. You must turn to Him with sincerity in heart wanting to serve and worship Him.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis,

    A problem I see is that you’re relying on yourself to stop saying things or doing things to piss your husband off. You’re trying to be the good wife who accepts her husband being polygamous. To me, it appears that it’s what you think accepting polygamy means. But, it’s where you’re going wrong, and you’ll need to change your way of thinking.

    Make your intention to stop focusing on your husband and his other wife. Accepting polygamy is not about accepting them. It’s not about you opening your mouth and putting your foot in it either, nor is it about you following your husband around and agitating him when he on the phone on a private conversation. It IS about accepting Allah’s decisions. Stop making it about your husband and the co or anyone or anything else.

    When I say it’s about Allah’s decision. You must come to see that if your husband is on the phone or doing anything else, Allah decided it. Are you going to oppose Allah with your desires (your desire that your husband not be on the phone possibly and probably talking with his other wife)? It’s about remembering Allah and that He decides all things. If you make it about His creation, you go wrong.

    When you saw your husband on the phone and you remained in the bedroom, you did good. Next time focus on Allah and say to yourself about your husband, he’s on the phone because Allah decreed it. I think it was okay for you to go into the living room where he was and where you normally go. He got up and left, which was okay too. It what people normally do when they have personal conversations and don’t want anyone else to hear. It doesn’t seem that either of you were wrong or sinned based on my limited knowledge. As Rosa said, she’s his wife and he was simply talking with his wife.

    Insha Allah, work on bringing yourself to remember that your husband is doing what Allah has allowed. A wife is not her husband’s keeper.

    If you want, you could ask your husband to not speak on the phone with his wife in front of you, as it makes you uncomfortable. He may do it and he may not. Whichever it is, it’s what Allah decided. It’s the key point that you’re missing.

    Again, you have to stop beating up on yourself, thinking that you have control. Allah controls all things. He controls you and what you do. Yes, you will be accountable. Allah could be testing you for you to see how much work you need to do and where you are going wrong. He may test you to let you see whether you want to really do this thing – come nearer to Allah and strive for Jannah.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Sister Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Sis Rosa is right about falling down, picking yourself up and keeping it moving. If you think you’re just going to be okay with being in a polygamous marriage overnight, you better think again. You’re a newbie in this. It doesn’t happen that way, at least not for women who didn’t initiate a polygamous marriage or agreed to it willingly from the onset. It could take years for a woman to get to the place of truly being okay with being in a polygamous marriage, meaning to the point that it all feels so natural and good. It will take time. Most importantly, it will take Allah making it happen.

    You’ve got to stop beating up on yourself, calling yourself names etc. Nip that crap in the bud. Don’t belittle yourself. Let the other people do that for you. LOL

    You’re going to have good days and some days that aren’t so much. As Rosa said, you’ll have days in which you’ll feel that you’re back at square one again. As I said, it takes time and A LOT of hard work on yourself.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Gail,

    Thanks for sharing the good news about your real estate business/venture. ๐Ÿ™‚ It must have felt really good to close on another property. God is Great! I’m happy for you!!!

  • Rosa

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis
    Put yourself in your husbands shoes that may have been quite uncomfortable and awkward if he was in fact speaking to his other wife and you came and sat down. Should he have continued on He should have stepped outside but he didn’t. You have to stop setting yourself up to get hurt in the end. Try the defense mechanism you won’t regret it

  • Rosa

    June 16, 2017

    Tunis
    It’s okay to fall but you gotta pick yourself up brush your shoulders off and keep it moving. This is how polygamy goes we can think we progressed but then we get a curveball that takes us back to square one. I think you’re doing good. You know you have jealous tendencies. Jealousy is from shaitan. When you start feeling jealous immediately seek refuge from shaitan because boy is he getting a kick out of it. You have to come to terms your husbands other is his wife also. Why can’t they chat on the phone. You would love if your husband called you during her days so what’s the issue. It all boils down to wanting for others what you would like for yourself. You have to find defense mechanisms you can use instead of lashing out causing a wedge between you and your husband and making things go so sour. When he’s on the phone instead of trying to figure out who he’s chatting with and what they’re saying, go make wudu and offer two rakats. Make Dua and do some thikers. The more you do this the more you will draw nearer to Allah and the further you will grow from caring who your husband is chatting with. Worshiping Allah builds a shield against all of these bad tendencies. The more you worship the less affected you will be. Hang in there sis you can do this

  • Tunis

    June 16, 2017

    Then i went outside for walk to cool down…he comes ..wants to talk…says i should put myself in her place. I do..or thought i did. what did i do wrong..i told him he shouldnt have to feel uncomfortable..that we/I have always been open to this…but i feel he has changed..become secretive..i dunno..but somethings dont feel comfortable anymore
    ..am i expecting to much..or just wnt it to b my way..like how it should b done ..polygamy that is..i really sometimes cant even figure what my own intentions r behind the crap i do…but when i share how i feel..he then throws at me..well maybe we should split..coz u r jealous?? Huh?

  • Tunis

    June 16, 2017

    Oh my sisters…..why why cant I let it go. Im so so stupid…such a baby … I have a hard time living up to what i preach here. Just cant figure out what is wrong with me really….its all in my head..thats what my husband says. I just keep screwing up. I know i said things were sweet….maybe i overstated. I feel like crazy sometimes….why i loose it..when it seems im getting a grip on my desires…then plop.flop.fizz..it all bubbles away done the drain. What did i mean by sweet between me and hubby..?..i made it sound all lovey dovey.

    i want to get closer…like hugs sometimes.or a compliment about me..u look pretty or smell good..or a genuine smile..kisses..not grandma pecks.i want to feel like im a joy in his life…but im not feelin it….Am i unrealistic here…expecting too much..or is this the jealousy again…imagining he must be happy with her and just passing the time with me.till he goes to her. …i feel so old ladies…..why dont men get it..to show lovingness to their wives to avoid these feelings from arising in the wife. I wouldnt even mind if he talked to her in front of me .as long as i felt i was a joy. So thats what ticked me off today….after Jummah.can u believe this…im pathetic…we came back..i started a laundry…meanwhile he is in livingroom..talking on phone….anyobody can hear..but i dont know who hes talking to..could b anybody. Right? And hes sitting right there. My first thought was perhaps he is chatting with his wife…so what.? I should stay in bedroom.give him space…but i think..well he is getting more comfortable ..not going outside as usual. So i think i will be a big girl..mature woman..and sit in livingroom..like i normally do with him….and then after 2 minutes..gets up and goes to bedroom….where i just was hesitating whether i should stay there or not..but it seened so childish to me..so thats why i went to join him as i always do. Anyhoo..as he walks away..i have to open my big mouth…say..you dont have to leave…then it went down hill from there. Im a stupid woman who should not be in a polygamous relationship…i just lue to myself and sinning. Sometimes id rather b slone.

  • Rosa

    June 16, 2017

    Faith

    How long have you been in a polygamous marriage? And are you a first wife?

  • Faith

    June 16, 2017

    Gail

    Pls, did u ever get past this feelings u have towards ur Co wife being married to your husband without you knowing. I am really trying, to get it off my mind , but it’s really hard. My Co seems like a nice person, then I tell myself all the feelings you just described to Azam now. She sent some gifts to me and I sent something back to her, but I have not been able to bring myself to use the things she sent. I am really thinking of giving them out. I keep asking Allah to soften my heart.

    Adeniyi Mahmud

    I really commend you for trying to get the female perspective of polygamy. Not many men are that considerate.

  • Gail

    June 16, 2017

    Ana and ladies,

    I closed on my 4th property this morning! Now that I am through with closing I have to share with everyone.I bought a property in a mobile home lot subdivision with a 2 bedroom 2 bath already on the lot for a mere 800 dollars.I won’t bore u will all the details of how I got such a cheap property but I am so excited because I have every intention of making 100,000 off this lot and mobile home.I have another mobile I am waiting on to get delivered to my Missouri Property.Once I get this new Mobile in I will have three mobile homes on my Missouri property.My next step is to buy a Mobile home Toter now so I don’t have to pay movers anymore.I have a Class B CDL but it looks like hubby and I and our two older sons are going to study to get our CLass A CDL’s so we can get more heavy into the business.I know it’s not some glamour business but man I am totally hooked.Our Goal is to eventually get enough capital to build HUD apartment Buildings so that the children will have a steady stable income after us.
    Just wanted to share my Happy news!Hope everyone is having a nice day!

  • Gail

    June 16, 2017

    Azam,
    It’s nice to know u have a daughter of your own.I assumed u were a younger woman in your 20s.Just hang tight for awhile and take it slow.Either your cowife will eventually come around or she will tell him to straight up give u talaq or she will take divorce.Not to much guessing in your situation.Once she knows u can’t have children(which sounds bad) she might say OH heck with it and chill out some.Alot of women hate the idea of her husband having children with another woman but in your case u don’t have that issue so that could be a plus factor in your favor.I am curious to see how your cowife will handle it but I think your husband needs to let her know u guys are married.The rest of the family now knows so how long can u keep the cat in the bag/truth from her? I will tell u this straight when she does come to know u guys married behind her back and everyone was in the KNOW but her hmmm YEah She is going to FLIP OUT because your husband didn’t have enough balls to let her in the KNOW and as far as you are concerned she will think low of you” What kind of Woman u are” to be such a snake knowing he was married to her and had a child.It’s just going to depend on her personality how she will proceed because everyone is so different but because of the way u and your husband went about marrying behind her back I honestly can’t imagine her ever being ok with you(just being honest) because u have already proven u are not a loyal or honest person sense u chose not to push hubby to tell her.
    I had this exact same thing happen to me to where everyone was in the KNOW but me and although I tried with my cowife their was this part of me that always thought what a low life disgusting B..ch.I don’t understand how a woman can knowingly destroy another woman in such a nasty way.
    I understand u were there first I totally get it and I do sympathize whole heartily with you BUT the fact is u thought your own life more important than hers by agreeing to marry your husband on the sly without your cowife being informed and that might very well end up destroying your marriage if she forces her will on him to divorce you because I honestly think she has the upper hand in this matter.
    Had u insisted he told her either he would have manned up and told her or he wouldn’t had married you and I think u were afraid had u pushed him he would have chosen not to marry u instead of manning up and telling his wife he was going to marry you.
    I am not judging you I am just stating the obvious because I been in your cowife’s shoes and this was the way I thought at the time.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 16, 2017

    Rosa amin!I very grateful khairan Jazak (may Allah reward you with goodness)

  • LittleSecret

    June 16, 2017

    Tasliyman and Rosa,
    Salam. I stand corrected regarding the matter. Thank you.

    Ana,
    Thank you. I’m currently in Middle East so I think ebook would be better for me, though I prefer the paperback.
    If anyone could help me how to get it ebook please let me know. I will really appreciate it.

    Hope everyone is doing good. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  • Azam

    June 16, 2017

    My cancer diagnosis came so fast and being a stage 2, there was no time to waste as the doctor said. Surprisingly, my primary care doctor said it is still possible to freeze eggs since I kept my ovaries. I am certain his wife knows there is communication between us, or she wouldn’t have asked. I do leave her alone, keep my relationship separated from his relationship with her. The only thing I am uncertain about is his child with her. He helped me raise my daughter, she is 16 now. I am scared to get close to his daughter and then not be allowed to have a relationship with her. Yes, I understand, she is not mine but that does not mean I don’t love her. I always prayed Allah would allow my husband to have a child of his own, I use to say, when I look into their face I want to see your face in them. Only Allah knows what will be and what is best.

  • Lost Soul

    June 16, 2017

    Ana
    Thanks for the info. I think I will have to get a friend from the US to buy it for me and then ship it to me.
    But I will get my hands on that book LOL.
    Looking forward to reading it as soon as I get it.
    Thank you

  • Rosa

    June 16, 2017

    I second tasliyman. Not all wives that married after the first are sloppy seconds third or fourths. There are decent people left in this world who have morals and standards and preserve themselves for their future husband or husband

    Adeniyi mahmud I think the key to a successful polygamous marriage is treating your wives like they are the only one. Don’t bring issues from one house to the next. If you had a bad day with one wife don’t go to your other wife’s house and project your frustrations on her or you will end up with two unhappy wives and two hostile homes. Marah s said it all that’s all I can think to add. Your intentions seem to be good. InshaAllah you will be a wonderful husband to both your wives and a loving father to all your children

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    Point well made. A question could be asked about how many women who married as first wives had illicit sexual affairs before they married, as well. Have some tell it, all wives who married first were virgins, which I’m sure it is not true.

  • Tasliyman

    June 16, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    Not all second wives were once girlfriends or arranged by family members. I know that many discussions here are about husbands who had illicit affairs and then married the woman afterwards but I can assure you that it certainly is not ALWAYS the case.

    I understand that you are still in the stage where you are trying to figure out why a man feel the need to marry more than one woman but Allah chooses our spouses. If Allah has written it, it will happen even if the man dont fully understand the “why” himself. Some men actually do believe in Allah and live their lives according to Islam as far as they can. So not all men with more than one wife were involved in an illicit sexual affair before marriage.

    I kind of went off the point here, I just wanted to point out that there is no specific category that a woman who marries 2nd, 3rd or 4th should fall in.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    The book is only available online. The post I just made to “Lost Soul” may help you. Thank you for your interest in it ๐Ÿ™‚

  • LittleSecret

    June 16, 2017

    Ana,
    I looked before in some bookstores here but i couldn’t find it. Is it only available in ebook (currently searching for it in the net). Or there’s a book itself? Thank you.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Lost Soul,

    The book is available in paperback. The paperback looks the same as the picture here on the blog. Where you could buy it depends on what country you’re in. If you’re in the US, you could click on the large picture of the book on this site to take you to my author page or you or you could google: The Silent Tears of Polygamy. It’s being sold online by many retailers and distributors. If in the US, I like the quality of the book from Barnes and Noble a bit better than Amazon. There is a UK Amazon as well. Amazon sells the book in Australia and a number of countries.

    When it comes to countries outside the US, I’m not sure about how to get the book there. It’s something that the individuals will need to research. I know Rosa had a relative ship it to her country to her for her. If I could think of anything else, Insha Allah, I’ll let you know.

    Thank for taking an interest in it {{{hugs}}}

  • LittleSecret

    June 16, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    Salam. You mentioned that before marriage you already told your wife that you are a polygamist. In that case, within the duration of your marriage, did you look for another girl to foresee as a second wife? Or just this cousin that made you feel its time to pursue your engagement to polygamy. I hope when you decide to do, you will be a just husband to both of them. I read a blog before about polygamy that the two wives tried to be friends and it didn’t work out, jealousy is always there on the other side. And someone here had a very good relationship with the co-wife. So its still case to case basis. You have a wonderful wife that even from the start she knew that she may someday share, she still accepted it. You are blessed, and you should appreciate her and love her more. Maybe as she knew this might happen, she tried also her best to be a woman, a wife, a mother of your children that is enough for you and you won’t look around, don’t you think? She will be the most affected by this so have a very very long patience and understanding to your wife and to the cousin as she cope to polygamy.
    Marah S’s advice is wonderful, you take it specially with dealing the wives as if they are the only wife. Even there is no equality in polygamy, try your very best to be fair and love them as a wife deserved.
    Seek Allah’s will in your life. God bless you.

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    I don’t mean to come across as negative. It’s just that as Lost Soul stated, Allah has allowed polygamy. Therefore, there is no need for a man to justify his need or want to marry a woman as a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife. There is no need for a man to explain why he desires it, nor make an excuse. It’s as though men feel a need to explain themselves about wanting to have more than one wife because they know many Muslims and non-Muslims don’t accept polygamy.

    We as a community need to speak truth. Polygamy is okay. There is no need to speak of it from a position of weakness. Instead, we, especially men, need to be firm about it. Firmness begins with being able to say, for instance, I would like to marry again. Insha Allah, I will.

    People only make it worse when they start giving reasons (the reasons usually are just something that sound good or reasonable). They need to stop asking “why” a man wants to marry again.

    It would be good if a man stood up and have the person who poses the question qualify it. For instance, ask why do you ask why I want another wife? Where in Islam does it say I need a reason? Did I need a reason when I married my first wife? People get married all the time. The first question out of othersโ€™ mouths isnโ€™t, why you want to do that?

    Furthermore, Allah choose our mates for us. so, if it comes to fruition that you marry your cousin, then it’s what Allah willed.

  • Lost Soul

    June 15, 2017

    Marah S

    I love your advice to Adeniyi Mahmud!
    I think I will ask my husband to read it in future when I am fully ready to embrace polygamy!

    Awesome advice!!

  • Lost Soul

    June 15, 2017

    Annabellah
    Is your book available in paperback/ book form (I dont know the correct term here!) or just Kindle?

    How do I go about ordering your book? Any help will be appreciated on how/where to purchase it. Thanks

  • Lost Soul

    June 15, 2017

    Adeyniyi Mahmud
    I don’t think Allah has asked for any kind of SACRIFICE like polygamy from man. Polygamy is allowed. Its a choice. Not an obligation or in your words a sacrifice!

    As Ana mentioned, please just straight on admit that you have always wanted plural wives as per YOUR wish.
    And I sincerely hope you don’t treat your future second wife as though you are doing her a massive favour.
    I think MOST woman would rather remain single than to be married if that was the case.

    Ana I totally agree with you.. what exactly is his sacrifice here? You are absolutely spot on that the only people SACRIFICING are his present wife and children. He and the new wife will gain.
    Your insight is fabulous as always Ana.

    I just get pi$$ed when men talk about polygamy as a sacrifice rather than a choice.

    Thankfully my husband didn’t try that excuse with me!!

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    Marah S. I so much appreciate your wealth of advice and these are things am seeking that man can be unconsciously or consciously slip into without realizing.By it, he started creating problem to the marriage in the heart of the wife and their children. May Allah save us from it.(amin)

    Little Secret I am grateful for your contribution, in my youthful age I don’t engage in boyfriend and girlfriend of a thing because my policy is when you are not ready for marriage don’t entertain any form of relationship. As for this cousin I never for one time before expecting such a feeling will ever arise.I realize that despite a woman awareness about polygamous she will still in one way or the other be hurt and that why I have come seeking your advice.As for my children, i am going to carry them along.

    Anabella I am also grateful to you , but i observe you keep getting nagative about it i may be wrong.Yet in every speech there is iouter of truth.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    One thing I’d suggest to you is that you not make your cousin feel and think that she is a charity case. No woman wants to be seen as that. It won’t help your marriage either. See her the same as you see your first wife. They are equal. The only thing that distinguishes them apart is righteousness. The one who is the most righteous is the better person.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    I was giving some thought to what you said. You stated that you would sacrifice and take on another wife, which would make you polygamous. My question to you is: What do you consider a sacrifice? How would you be sacrificing?

    The way I see it is you’ll have another wife and possibly more children. You’ll have another woman to cook for you, clean the house, do your laundry, be your companion, and hopefully love you. You’ll have another woman to comfort you in the bedroom, as well. Do you call all that sacrificing? I’d imagine you’d think you could swing it financially, if you’re considering it.

    Okay, so, I’m still perplexed. Where does your sacrifice come in?

    I think if anyone would be sacrificing it would be your current wife and children. They are the ones who will see less of you. They are the one who after receiving all from you would now have to share with another woman and possibly other children. Your cousin would be gaining a husband. You gain and she gains. Again, your current wife and children would be the ones sacrificing. It could be why polygamy could perhaps help pave some women’s way to Paradise…

    It’s something to think about…

  • Gail

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,
    U mentioned u are getting a feeding tube do u have Gastroparesis/GP by chance? I am asking because I was diagnosed with GP after I had my Cancer Diagnoses.
    As far as your cowife I would say leave it alone sense u are not so healthy right now and she needs to focus on her baby is my advice.
    One thing I don’t understand Does she know that he sees you on the side? You said she don’t know u guys are married but for her to ask about u I would assume she knows he is seeing u on the side.Hey just curious why didn’t u freeze your eggs before going through Chemo so u could have children later(u don’t have to answer if u don’t want I was just curious)?

  • LittleSecret

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    Thank you for responding. I didn’t expect that there’s such a man who is a polygamist from the start. Anyway, maybe its not just usual from where I came from. Another thing I want to ask, in 10 years that you are married and with your children, does it not make your mind change as a polygamist? I mean 10 years is quite long enough and as you experienced monogamous family, aren’t you not satisfied about it for you to make your stand about polygamy? Cause usually based on what I read, husband take their former girlfriend or the guy was arranged by the family while having other relationship.
    It’s good you are open to your wife about it and I think she understands that you will take someday another wife. But for me, even she knew it very well, in one way or another, she will still be hurt. I think it’s not just your wife you need to inform but also prepare the children.
    Ask Allah’s guidance in making a wise decision and also ask him to prepare the hearts of your family. May it will be good for everyone.
    Salam

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2017

    A. Mahmud

    I guess you’re already one step in the right direction since your wife knows that this was something you wanted all along, and she’s okay with that.

    So really it’s up to you now, to make things smooth for everyone.

    Do you all live in the same country?

    The most important thing is living polygamy by the guidelines Allah has given us meaning: separate houses, equal time, being fair in your spending and dealings between them and so on.

    when it comes to being fair between wives, every Muslim man assumes that he can do it. I have yet to meet a Muslim man who didn’t think he could be fair. Unfortunately most of them realize that it’s a lot harder than they thought.

    You will always have a favorite wife. The key is not allowing your love for one wife make you neglect the other wife.

    A lot of times when I meet happy polygamous women they say their husband makes them feel like the only wife whenever they’re together. This is a skill most men don’t posses.

    Im sure you can understand how important it is for the man to make each wife feel special and unthreatened by the other. Jealousy is the main issue when it comes to women and polygamy.

    When you’re with one wife try to make it about you and her. She wants to feel loved and cherished.

    Avoid talking to her about her co-wife unless she asks. Also avoid comparing your wives to one another, or even worse talking bad about one wife to the other.

    Even though you’re married to two women you still have the responsibility of protecting the honor and privacy of each wife, you shouldn’t reveal uneccessary details about either of them to the other.

    In some cases it’s better for co-wives not to even have close relationships and friendships. But every family is different and there is no rule about that in Islam (as far as I know) so you’d have to figure out what work best for your family.

    Some men are extremely selfish and try to force the wives to be friends. It only causes more problems.

    Most importantly all of your lives should be about worshipping Allah and reaching jannah, because verily in the rememberance of Allah do the hearts find peace.

    These are just a few thing I could think of up the top of my head.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Marah S, Thank you, much!https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2017

    Rosa,

    thanks for letting me know how much you enjoyed the book. It makes me more excited to start reading when I hear how much others have enjoyed it.

    Ana,

    It sounds like it took a lot of focus and dedication, I can see how the editing and proof reading can take a lot of patience. I used to get headaches just from editing my essays in college lol. I’ll be sure to leave a review for the book when I’m dome with it. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    I’m so happy to hear that you are cancer free. Alhumdulliah. Allah is Great!.

    No problem about the confusion about the posts. It’s no biggy LOL

    It’s awesome you got married in May. I did as well, about a week after you (15 years ago). It’s a beautiful month to wed and have anniversaries. I’m always so happy during the month of May ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Azam

    June 15, 2017

    Sorry for the confusion, I found out on March 6th of this year. He and I married last month on the 18th. I’m sorry if other post are confusing, chemo has affected my short term memory. I do prey in time she will allow herself to understand I had no clue about her until March 6th 2017, the same day I found out that the cancer was gone!

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud, Welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I must say you are much like most of the men who come here to talk about polygamy. They say they want to take on another wife or have done so as an act of worship or sacrifice. It annoys me to no end. It really ruffles my feathers, so to speak.

    Why not just say, for instance, you’re feeling a desire or need for another wife and will like to marry again. Say, you have someone in mind who you think would be a good wife for you, and you could be a good husband to her. It’s no different than when you married the first time. You didn’t need all that dialogue the first time about why you want to marry. It’s what men and women do.

    It makes no sense that you need to paint the person who you intend to marry second as being some charity case. A wife whom a man marries in the order of 2nd, 3rd, or 4th, doesn’t have to fall into a certain category. Allah says marry those women who are single or the virtuous ones. It means marry them as 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives.

    A woman doesn’t have to be labeled as old and unable to find a husband or barren or ugly or uneducated and the like to become married as a 2nd wife. Muslims need to stop making it appear that way.

    You said you’d marry the other woman as an act of worship. What does that mean? You could remain monogamous as an act of worship for all that means. Monogamy and polygamy are both acceptable ways of life.

    I suggest you just be forthright and not beat around the bush about why you’d like to marry another. Just tell it like it is. You want another wife Period, point blank, exclamation point and end of story… Ya know what I’m saying???

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    I agree with the others who say you need to let her be and not put yourself on her. She is dealing with an awful lot right now, and I’m sure she is in a great deal of pain. Don’t be surprised if she keeps you from seeing their child right now until she gets to a better place (feels better). Expect that she may keep their child from you out of anger, knowing that you aren’t able to have any.

    I think the only time co-wives are sincere friends is when their friendship is for one goal and purpose – to worship Allah – being with like minded people with the same goal, to enter Jannah. When a friendship is for worldly reasons, e.g to please the husband; to get to know about the co-wife to compete better; to share their children because one can’t have any etc. are worldly reasons. There bond to be many problems with the friendship, if you want to call it “friendship.”

    I suggest you give her time and space to deal with her husband and to mend their marriage. I agree with Tasliyman that you shouldn’t try to force her to accept you or to want what you want. The mere fact that she now knows about and isn’t trying to get rid of you should be more than enough.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    Mariah S. from my young days before marriage I have resolute to be a polygamist just for the simple reason I understand it as an act of worship.My wife knew am a polygamist and she is always saying to me ” a man is not made for one woman but for more than one woman”. She is expecting but I have not informed her about whom the person was and have not made my intention know to the lady I intend proposing to.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    I’m with the others here who are somewhat confused by your posts. There seems to be some discrepancies in them. For instance, you said that you’ve only been married to him for a month. My calculations would have you marrying somewhere in May, let’s say the beginning of May. Let’s take it a step further and say you were married in April, which would make it two months. Well, you said you didn’t find out that he had another wife until you were married. In other posts you said you found out in March that he was married, which would have you knowing of their marriage before you married him – if you married him in April or May. I dunno.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    Mari2 She is intending wife and she knows my wife and children. In fact, she is yet to know my intention to propose to her but I feel the need to sacrifice.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    Its a pleasure Little Secret, I am an advocator of polygamy since young even before my marriage just because I understand polygamous marriage as an act of worship, a sacrifice which needs to be done.My marriage with my wife is 10years with children.I have a distance cousin who is 40yrs still single and could not find some one. So I believe it’s time to make this sacrifice.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    I hope you could find the book there, as well. It would be nice if you can. I’d love to know your thoughts about it after you’ve read it.

    Thanks for your kind words to everyone here. You’re a very warm heart person who appears to have a kind soul. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Mari2

    June 15, 2017

    A. Mahmud,
    Does your second wife know that you already have a first wife? Or does she think she will be your only wife?

  • LittleSecret

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud,

    Welcome! It’s good that we can hear a man’s point of view here. If you dont mind, what is your reason of getting another wife? And how long is your marriage to your first wife?

    Azam,
    You are a fighter and survivor of cancer. Praise God for His grace.
    I am with Gail too that its not good that your husband lied to other wife. What is his motive? To somehow get a sympathy on your situation? For the co-wife to be convinced of his reason and to her not to be hard on you? She could be nice to you but pain remains there. Let her now, don’t rush things. She also needs time to accept and so as you. Maybe because you and hubby were together for 11 years, you have lots of memories, that she may get jealous about or felt insecure. Me, personally, if my husband will have another wife that have a past-long relationship, I will be jealous and will think that they have shared too much moments together. And also the feeling of being betrayed will always visits her mind, maybe for you also since you are not aware of their marriage too before. Just lengthen your patience and wait for her to accept. At least you are now known which is a good step. But you can’t change the situation over night. As long as you’ve done your part, khalas. And wait ’til she can accept. I hope you will be totally healed. Our God is a great healer. You are in my prayers.

    Ana,
    I hope to find your book here also.

    Sisters here,
    Salam.
    i just realized, that the pain we experienced, the sorrow we’ve been through will always be there and created a hole in us. Holes created by people do not heal, we just become a bigger person than that hole. Maybe its not applicable to all, but to most.

    Hope everyone is fine, and also for the sisters who is fasting now. God bless everyone.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Rosa,

    Thanks for letting Marah S know your thoughts about the book and for saying such nice things about it. I appreciate it much! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Marah S,

    I’m happy that, Insha Allah, you’ll soon read the book. You asked how long it took for me to write it. It took me approximately six months of working on it from the time I got up in the morning till I went to sleep. Working on it was practically all that I did. I got soooooo tired of proofing it, reading it and re-reading it over and over again. It was an extremely emotional experience for me. To this day, I can’t bring myself to read it, yet one more time. I don’t know how authors who write many books do it. I doubt I’ll eeeeeeever write another one again LOL It would be the death of me… LOL

    Insha Allah, I’m going to move these comment about the book over to the thread about the book.

    Many say it’s a wonderful accomplishment and I should be proud. Many have said it about my achievements in life, but I don’t see it as they do. I suppose it’s because even when I didn’t know as I do now that Allah does everything, I had the feeling I wasn’t the one doing what was getting done. It’s weird, now that I think about.

    Nonetheless, Insha Allah, you’ll enjoy reading the book. Thank you much for your kind words.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2017

    Marah S,

    In your post yesterday you mentioned how it’s as though we’re a broken record in that we’re always telling one another to focus on Allah, and it’s a beautiful thing. It brought to mind another commentator who came to the blog years ago and said she was impressed by how many times Allah’s name was mentioned on the blog. She said, just imagine the barakats (blessings) we are all are receiving from Allah from remembering Him and bringing him to the remembrance of others.

    I agree with you that we can’t be reminded of Allah too much. The more we’re reminded to remember Allah, turn to Him and focus on Him, the better it is for us. Anyone who doesn’t like hearing it has got a huge problem.

  • Rosa

    June 15, 2017

    Marah S, Ana’s book is awesome. I literally read it in a day. I couldn’t put it down. I was just thinking the other day I should read it again. So many life lessons lies therein

  • ummof4

    June 15, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I pray that everyone is meeting their Ramadan goals.

    To everyone in general and no one in particular:
    LADIES, DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANY MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND! IF HE SINCERELY CARES ABOUT YOU, HE WILL MARRY YOU! IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU ARE MUSLIM OR NOT, CHERISH YOUR BODY AND DO NOT SHARE IT WITH ANY MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND!

    AND IF YOU DO HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND, AND HE ALREADY HAS A WIFE, DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF SHE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, EVEN IF YOU DO EVENTUALLY GET MARRIED TO HER HUSBAND!

    MEN AND WOMEN WHO HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITHOUT BEING MARRIED TO EACH OTHER ARE BOTH TO BLAME, AND IT SPEAKS VOLUMES ABOUT THEIR CHARACTER! SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE ARE CONSIDERED ILLEGAL IN ISLAM, CHRISTIANITY, JUDAISM, AND MANY OTHER WAYS OF LIFE!

    I am not angry with anyone and this has not happened to me personally, I just get tired of women on this site who make excuses for themselves or for their husbands when it comes to having sex outside of marriage. IT’S JUST WRONG!

    Everyone enjoy the Eed.

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2017

    Anabellah,

    I’m getting ready to start reading your book. I was wondering how long it took you to write it? I’ve always admired novelist, what a great accomplishment to write and publish an entire book!

  • Azam

    June 15, 2017

    Thank you so much for understanding. I understand she feels heartbroken, betrayed to. Inshallalha, she will under stand, and accept me as me, not just someone put to steal her husband!

  • Tasliyman

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    I agree with Marah S. Dont force the issue with your co-wife.

    It’s really great that you were able to forgive your husband so quickly for lying to you these last four years about being married. It sure beats suffering for months or years about something you cant change.

    But it usually takes women much longer to get over this kind of deceipt. You just need to read the stories of the other commentators here to realise what a wife goes through when finding out that a husband has been emotionally and especially sexually involved with someone else while being married to you for years. Your co-wife needs to deal with this in her own way and at her own pace.

    I am not trying to disregard your emotions and needs, I just dont think you should try to force the type of relationship that you feel you should have on her. She should have a choice as must as you do.

    Anyway, I wish you and your daughter well during this difficult time. These things are always more complicated when children are involved.

  • Lost Soul

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    Gosh I am so confused. I thought your co already knew about you. And she confronted you?
    But now you say no one is willing to tell her about you as the situation is very tense?
    Do you mean to say that she doesn’t know that you are already married to him?
    So for the past 2 years she thought you were a mistress as you were not yet married to him and still thinks you are not married to him?

    I am with Gail that if he lied saying that you are still sick with cancer just to gain sympathy, that is not a good sign.

    You said that he comes only to have sex with you in hotels and leaves, that is so not cool of him. And that also means you are well enough and not extremely sick as he puts it to your co. Maybe I am just confused. But this lying thing just angers me!

    I guess you are still confused yourself hence the conflicting posts about your feelings towards your co. But that is understandable as it’s not easy for you to as you are also trying to navigate this sticky situation.

    All I can say is, give her time. She obviously feels she has been lied to, what with her being kept in the dark for some years about you

    It’s not a good place she is in right now. You don’t need to be her friend at the moment. Lwt her be or let her make the next move as you have already done your part in trying to be friends with her.

    Concentrate on your relationship with your husband and make sure he is upfront and honest about everything from now onwards to the both of you.

    Are you getting your nights now?

  • Rosa

    June 15, 2017

    Gail no I think Azam herself in a prior post said she was cancer free but still very ill. I don’t think her husband was trying to downplay her sickness. Hopefully Azam would clarify

    Adeniyi mahmud welcome. It’s always interesting having a male perspective here on the blog. Men can be so hard to figure out sometimes lol

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2017

    Adeniyi Mahmud.

    Hello and welcome.

    Does your currernt wife know that you are planning to get married, was polygamy always a lifestyle you planned on living and did she know about it? Or will it come as a complete shock to her?

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2017

    Azam,

    Wow what you sound like today and what you sounded like the other are two complete polar opposites. It’s a good thing, I’m glad you’ve had a change of heart.

    Your co-wife sounds like any other woman. She’s curious about you and she’s probably trying to size herself up in comparison to you. See how she competes and what not.

    I say don’t try to force yourself on her. If your husband agrees than you can reach out and propose you meet but if she doesn’t want to meet you, let it go. You don’t have to be friends with you co-wife.

    The most important thing is to focus on your own marriage and figure out a way for him to finally take care of you the way he promised.

  • Azam

    June 15, 2017

    He told her the cancer is gone but it left me very sick, which is the truth. I’m on the verge of having a feeding tube put in because I can’t eat. Now, you are 100% correct when you say she will be nice in face, then stab you in the back, and twist every word you say. I understand now wants to ” share” their husband, but in my case he and his family were already taking care of my daughter and me, we never went without. I did what I could on my own, and they (my husband or his brother) stepped in and took care of everything else. I have been praying that Allah would lay all of this on her heart, give the ability to understand my situation, give her peace that I am here to help her to , not steal her life away and she is a blessing to my husband and I because cancer took away my ability to have a child. I understand when she found out about our relationship 2 years ago, I know it had to hurt her but I promise I had no idea about her or their child until March 6th of this year….. but I know, no one in his family is going to tell her, just because it’s already very tense in the household. But since she did ask about my health and does make me wonder exactly what she was thinking about. His brother is glad the relationship is no longer harram.

  • Adeniyi Mahmud

    June 15, 2017

    I am a man and am reading all your post concerning life in a polygamous marriage. I intend getting second wife soonest and I shall need your sincere advice on how to deal with my first and second wife so I Shall be fair in my dealing. Is not that I have not read books nor listen to lectures on it but I need practical guides as I realize you women are the ones affected by its.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2017

    Azam,
    Happy to know your husbands family now knows u are married.I don’t understand why your husband lied to his other wife about u still having Cancer and it being really bad.I think that is disgusting on his part don’t u? I have had Cancer twice and I really don’t understand how he could say what he did? Are u certain u typed that correctly that he actually told her that your cancer is bad and flat out lied u are can free at this time?I know some men would do that Heck I am not even for certain if my own husband wouldn’t stoop so low to do such a sick thing myself but between me and u if he did do that it’s wrong on so many levels.
    Listen as far as your cowife I use to think the same exact thing.I will go to Pakistan and talk to her etc… and every single time I did she would act nice to my face and stab me in the back.Even as little as month ago she wanted me to give her the kids back I told her to go fly a kite.I went off on her and flat told her she has not seen or talked to any of the kids in over 5 yrs and how dare her think that they even would want anything to do with her trifle @SS.I mean the anger I felt was off the charts.She then got angry right back and said I will always be only their stepmother which I then explained to her the legal term is called Adopted mother she might want to look it up because it means I have all the rights and she has NONE! I then proceeded to tell her straight up there will never be any contact in the future and that goes for not being invited to any weddings or births of grandchildren.I told her straight she gave it her best try to get hubby and I to divorce and causing her own brother to have to get divorce.I told her straight to F,,k off and never contact me again.
    My point here is that u can try but don’t be surprised if it backfires on you and she twist your words and use against you esp if your husband is a liar which seems in your case he might be if he lied to her about your cancer.Think wisely before u go jumping off that cliff.Your heart is for sure in the right place but u don’t know how deep her anger is going to go! your on cloud 9 right now because your husbands family accepts u BUT has your husband Ponied up and told his other wife u guys are actually married????

  • Azam

    June 14, 2017

    Salam,
    I just wanted to do a follow up on my plural marriage. It is not a secret anymore as most of his knows now and happy about it. His sister cried and said “Now we really are sisters” his brother knows and is considered about his brother having the ability to be equal, but he is glad I chose not to leave the family and our relationship is not harram. Now the sensitive issue is his other wife. She has been asking about my health, cancer. He told her a little about it, told her I was really sick even though the cancer was gone. Please remember she at first said she would accept as his 2nd wife but then got mad and said the only way she would accept is if he brought to their home and said it in person so he could prove to her family what a mistake her family made for her life. I have been with him for almost 11 years, just married almost one month, I didn’t know he was until March of this year. He got married 4 years ago, she’s been here 2 years and they have 15 month old. Forced arrangement marriage. I promise I had no clue he was married, but I pray she will accept me , I wish I could just sit with herand explain . I am not wanting to still your life away, her and I could have a happy and peaceful life if we could communicate with each other.

  • Rosa

    June 14, 2017

    Tunis sis I’m so glad to read you are doing sooo well. Allah is so Kind. You have come a long way in such a short time span. I too think extending an olive branch and gifting your co is honourable indeed. Allah rewards good with good. Like serena said have no expectations. Do everything to gain the pleasure and reward from Allah.

  • Serena

    June 14, 2017

    Salam

    Happy ramadan. The last 10 days are approching fast and the night prayers are one of the best times to make dua. Sisters ask Allah to help us and improve our conditions/situations.

    MashaAllah Saira and Tunis sound much more positive. Shows that when we change to become more positive we also find more peace.

    Tunis

    I also agree send her a gift but expect nothing in return. As long as your intentions are pure you have nothing to loose.

    Heartbroken

    InshaAllah you will have better days. Use these remaining days to get closer and closer to Allah. Keep doing dua especially during the time of breaking the fast and night prayers.

    If your children are saying to you they miss their dad and spending time with him then they may say it to him themselves. When they do tell their dad they miss him then hopefully it will soften his heart and make him realise the kids need him too.

    Gail

    You know I used to think that once men get to a certain age they stop telling their mum everything but no, certain men don’t.

    Mari2

    Let their drama continue. You know it’s never ending but don’t let it drain you that’s what they want. For you to get tired of it all and walk away. Keep asking Allah to protect you against their evil plans.

  • Marah S

    June 14, 2017

    I love how we all sound like broken records here, telling one another to switch our focus to Allah. It’s a beautiful thing. I think we all need to hear it very frequently because human beings forget so quickly.

  • Lost Soul

    June 14, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Wow. All I can say is, your posts break my heart!

    I don’t know the dynamics between you and your husband but I wonder why he is treating you so rude! I wish he would figure out what his problem is and treat you with love and respect!

    My guess is you aren’t saying anything to him at the moment, as you don’t want things to blow up further.

    I kinda underatand that to a certain extent.

    I have not been in polygamy long enough to advice you according to your situation.

    All I can say is you are in my prayers dear sister.

    And the best you can do is turn to Allah and put all your focus on HIM instead, as mentioned by many here.

    Which is what I should be following as well LOL so I won’t say any further.

    Stay strong sis.

  • Saira

    June 13, 2017

    Aslamu alaykum
    Sister ana and sister Tunis JazakAllah for keeping me in your prayers it mean alot to me
    Its. Not I forgot all every day all of you in mind and when ever I wanted to share something I have all of u in my mind and I make dua for all
    Sister ana true I have seen miracle happening in my life and it’s all to do with the prayer and other thing I seen if your intention are good to do something u will surely get reward here and after
    Just a tiny stupid example I give u lol
    When ever I get ready my intention is purely to please my husband for sake of Allah
    And my husband love me to bits but I dress up in wedding few times I dress up very nicely but my intention was only to impress the co lol( jealous) and in the end me and happy use to fight on silly things but I learn from my Experiance
    I am still doing baby steps as I get hurts still same but I try to stay positive and infact I got my body back all baby fat gone and am already planning to set up business from home am doing beauty from home but not much yet but I got my price list done and all
    Am fully breast feeding and my baby is very healthy and actually people think she is year old and it’s all down to Allah
    Am using my mind to do thinks and try not to think at all about hubby much when he not around and I always have plans what I will clean and do in house when it’s not my night
    But it’s not an easy and simple life but if we keep Remembring our last breath we will surely wont be so messed up
    I can’t believe in my self sometime how I just ignore and let go of things
    But it’s from Allah as I keep making dua to Allah to take all Hate, jealousy and negativity away from my heart ameen

  • Tunis

    June 13, 2017

    Thank you Gail for the encouragement of sending a gift her way.

    Thank you Ana for reminding me of my intentions before doing it.

    Happy 18th Day of Ramadan !

  • LittleSecret

    June 13, 2017

    Anabellah,

    How are you? Thank you so much. Honestly, I really don’t know but I just found myself always checking the blog and keeping myself updated here. For months I searched and searched and searched about polygamy and I know the feeling like there’s no one to talk to about the situation, I guess maybe that’s why I am still here. And like what you said, it’s good to know people around the globe. Even I am not yet married, I hope to help. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    I hope you are doing all great.

  • LittleSecret

    June 13, 2017

    LostSoul,
    Thank you for responding. How are you?
    Yes, I agree with you that in your situation I think it is better that they didnt inform you beforehand cause you will be devastated of thinking so much. In my case, it is just their engagement but whenever I think that maybe they are planning now for the Nikah, ceremony, and his family and relatives maybe preparing for everything, and ofcourse their wedding night makes me feel so jealous and it really hurts me that he could not be like that to me, I can’t have that. So, how much more if in your case as a wife. I am over-thinker too. I think, women usually are.

    If you don’t mind, did your husband tell you the reason for marrying again?

    You somehow remind me of the blog I read about polygamous family, that the wife also wanted her husband to know her pain, for her husband to realize what the co-wife and him caused her. And for the husband to realize the consequence of having two wives, sharing their time and for the children, and sometimes having hard time taming them if having misunderstanding. Maybe it is part of the stages you have to go through to accept polygamy.
    You can do it until you get there, be strong.
    God bless you.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2017

    Tunis,

    I agree with Gail. It’s a nice gesture to send a gift to your co especially since it’s Ramadan. Even if it gets there after Ramadan, you could say it’s a Eid gift. Don’t look for any type of response from your husband or from her. Just see it as a good deed that you intend, seeking the good pleasure of Allah. How your hubz and the co react to it doesn’t matter. As long as you approach it that way, you’re good to go. It was very thoughtful and kind of you.

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2017

    LittleSecret, Wa Alaikum As Salaam ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m amazed by you. Not only do you come to the blog for advice, but you jump right in and begin helping out, as though you’ve been here forever. It’s impressive. Each time I read your comment, I keep thinking – that girl is amazing. LOL

    I’m so happy you’re here. It’s nice to make your acquaintance ๐Ÿ™‚

  • LittleSecret

    June 13, 2017

    Heartbroken,
    Salaam sister.
    Really all of us have our own struggles to take everyday. And thank you to sister Ana that manage to create page like this for us to vent.
    Did you ever talk to your husband and co-wife about the dividing of days? Cause the kids are the most affected of the situation and they don’t have to be deprived for their father’s time. Did you open to your husband about your issues?
    Yes you are right that he has his own issues, and problems, maybe your co-wife is too demanding and of course maybe he is pressured because of the family of co-wife and the new marriage, and you are doing just right to be very patient about it. You are amazing by keeping yourself silent about your situation. But I think you have to open up to your husband atleast one by one, first, about the kids. Maybe you are thinking that you don’t want to add pressure on him, but how about the kids? They need a father too. Maybe you can find a way to approach him that you may not sound too demanding.
    Always remember you have friends here listening, so whenever you feel low, just vent. It will help.
    You are in my prayers. May Allah bless you sister.

  • Gail

    June 13, 2017

    Tunis,
    I personally think sending a gift is a very sweet idea.I use to always by gifts for my excowife.Now in saying that she liked the gifts but I think in her mind she thought hubby asked me to buy for her which was far from the truth.I don’t know for sure if she thought that but the way she acted it seems but nonetheless I am always up for gift giving because it’s always such a sweet gesture towards the intended part(unless your sending her a puppy with flee’s of course)Don’t do that LOL

  • Heartbroken

    June 13, 2017

    Salaam all

    Amina,
    Thank you for your kinds words. Any and all advice will be apprecited.

    Sigh. Today is one of my low days.

    I just miss him so much. I was going through some photos today and remembered all our holidays and the fun times we had as a family.

    I want to tell him so bad that I wish he would spend more time with me and the kids and not to forget us.

    I just miss us. Of course I havent said anything to him. Just let him be. And he is happy to just ignore us. Every time my kids ask where is Dad,why doesn’t he spend time with us anymore,or when they tell me they miss him it’s and arrow through my heart. I try and keep them occupied but it’s not the same as spending time with their dad. They hardly see him at all what with the timings that he comes home and leaves, and I dont want to say anything as he will think I am trying to emotionally blackmail him using the kids to spend more time with me.

    I know he is going through his own issues and stress and he wants to be be with her all the time, but it still hurts when I think back to how happy we were earlier as a family and yes it still hurts that he can forget us so easily.

    Anyway.. sorry to talk so depressed again.
    Am at my low point again. Sorry.

    Thank you to all the dear sisters who remembered me and gave me advice.

    Khudahafiz all

  • Tunis

    June 13, 2017

    Yeah Ana !

    Oh..and an update on my relationship between me n hubby…well it is real good,!! subhanallah….sweet..real sweet…i just think if i pray for my sister wife goodness/happiness from hubby AND happiness and goodness for my husband from her as well….well.perhaps. as is said….as Allah wills too…what goes around..comes around…back to you.

    I know that every wife and her dynamics and husbands…are different….but the common denomenator is jealousy. I dont know my cowife ….i will leave that up to hubby.
    Im freeier somehow…with being me..more relaxed…not like before….like I was competeing for his love and attention because of you know who…stupid jeslousy. Cant seem to stress that enough here…cause it is a big stress maker and obsessing. I try to give to seek the pleasure from Allah..well i do my best inshallah..and I get pleasure back..haha…yeshttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif…anyhoo..hoping this may benefit other sisters out there.

    Oh..update on my kids…daughter who made scandal for her father’s upon his 2nd marriage…well.they made peace and she is now living back in home, Alhamdulilah. And 2nd daughter(my oldest)..well she is still not really speaking with her father..????? from whatever her sister told her? and her own unacceptance of polygamy.I GUESS..and 3rd youngest daughter moved out…?? which oldest daughter blames us for..? but she herself now doesnt talk with younger sister…which no one is telling me why ?
    May Allah guide them and guide us all.

    I am curious what you sisters think…..should I offer a gift for my husband to give to his new wife when he returns to her…even though he makes no attempt as of yet..to introduce me?

  • Gail

    June 13, 2017

    Mari2,

    I hear ya loud and clear girl!As much as I figured out over the years is what we Americans perceive as drama they consider everyday normal life.I swear to u my own MIL she sits on the phone from the time she gets up in the morning until she goes to bed at night.I used to ask my husband all the time what could the woman possibly find to gab about so muchhh to the same people every single day! Then if that were not bad enough my own husband feels the need to tell his parents everything that is going on with us in are businesses which drives me insane!When I bring up why he does the things he does he looks at me like I am crazy or takes up for them.I don’t think your husband is taking up for them but at the same time they know his and your entire business or at least I assume he talks freely with them.Pakistani men need to understand our culture more and respect our need for privacy more I feel.
    Between me and you I think u should call MIL and cowife’s bluff and start going over there and let them serve u dinner.lol

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Sis Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Happy Ramadan to you, too! It’s an interesting one. By time I break fast, it seems time to go to sleep, but most times I stay up till after Fajr https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    Sis, nice posthttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    It’s so good to hear that you’re at a good place, too, the same as Saira – you’re content and things keep getting better. Woo hoo! This is a beautiful Ramadan. Thank for giving us an update and for letting us know you’re still hear. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

    I thank Allah for giving us this blog and for bringing us all together. I pray He is well pleased with each and everyone of us…

    Now, where is Karima and Moipone. They are on my mind now. Insha Allah, they’ll drop in.

  • Tunis

    June 12, 2017

    Saira

    I am so happy for you..you were on my mind..may Allah continue to give you the strength and patience and ever increase your iman..and all us sisters here.

    ahlan wa sahlan sister.

  • Tunis

    June 12, 2017

    Salam Everyone,

    Subhannallah I was just thinking of Saira the other day…wondering how she is doing AND mashallah, she spoke exactly what I wanted to say and was feeling, except the part of having a baby and living with MIL..LOL
    But I also want to add, something that I think Ummof4 keeps saying….that a man can love more than one woman…that if a woman comes to term with this sooner in her relationship with her husband and puts jealousy aside,(drop that baggage, cause that’s what it is)…and always try to think that the other wife wants to be just as loved and cared for by husband as the other. Put ourselves in the new wife’s shoes.

    Well its a thought that has helped me combat this jealousy..which I believe is the big culprit here in how our vibes come across to hubby..THEY can pick them up…and acting out on them don’t help them deal with being polygamous husbands. They gotta do their part, yeah, but they are accountable for their responsibility and justice between their wives…we shouldnt try to control that aspect of the relationship…knowing they are answerable to Allah is enough for me. My part is to be a loving wife , and selfless…and all that Ana has repeated here that Allah is the disposer of our affairs..HE controls ..not me.

    Not sure if im making coherent sense here..or just ramble my thoughts coming to me…but I too am in a good place now and happy with me…a burden is gone or going away each day I keep my heart on Allah..He has my heart. I thank Allah for giving Ana permission to start this blog and keeping it going along with ALL the beautiful ladies out there.
    Be patience..be kind…want for your sister what you want for yourself..and inshallah Allah will give it to you.

    I too am so happy Allah has guided me to this blog…

    Happy 17 Day of Ramadan ya’all.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Amina,

    I can’t remember your story off the top of my head. I used to be able to keep up with who everyone is and what’s going on with them – not anymore LOL

    I, too, hope we all could be good friends and sisters to one another. I think it’s already happening. I love knowing people from all over the globe and being able to communicate here with one another. It’s awesome!

    I like the advice that you gave “Heartbroken” ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Saira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    It’s so good to hear from you. You sound sooooo happy!

    It’s wonderful that all is working out for you. Alhumdulliah! Allah is taking care of you…

    You’ve got the right attitude and apparently are doing what you must to have peace in your life. Good for you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Who would have thought that your mother-in-law would take a liking to you, take you under her wings and become like a mother to you? Now that is good news. I have this huge smile on my face. I’m so happy for you!

    It’s nice that you stopped in and gave us an update. I pray you’re having a blessed Ramadan. Furthermore, I pray your beautiful baby girl is well as well as your hubz. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Mari2,

    He probably “cowtow” to baseless threats because he believes those people. It appears to me that the children’s living, dying prayers and sacrifice are all for their mother – not for the Lord of the Worlds, Allah.

    After all, how will he get to Paradise (Remember, they believe they have to obey their mum/mom to enter Jannah) SMH How would he be able to function if they cut him off? If they did that, he may as well just OFF himself/ commit harikari/suicide.

    Mari2, it sounds about right that they’d want you to move in and be the house servant… They’re staying on script when it comes to their culture. LOL

  • Mari2

    June 12, 2017

    @Gail,

    I knew MIL would play the “us or her game”. But I was annoyed more by her suggestion that I live with them and basically serve her and cook. There must be a backstory to her suggestion that I am unaware of.

    His family has no boundaries with one another. Everyone has to know everything about everyone. It’s disturbing in its creepiness. Like they are all stalkers.

    I spoke with M a bit more last night and he said he just wanted some peace in his life. I explained that I want the same thing but when he brings their drama to my door, he takes away my peace. Their drama belongs to them. I want NO part. I didn’t create it, so don’t attempt to coerce me into solving it.

    There is this thing in his family called “threatened to cut off relations “. 2s mom is always yelling about this thing. Cut off relations. When he told me this I was like: So what? You give them money. They don’t give you a thing but grief. If they choose to cut off their noses to spite their own faces, then let them cut away. Why cowtow to baseless threats? I just dont get it.

  • Gail

    June 12, 2017

    Lost Soul,
    It’s not been an easy road to forgive my husband and I am still a work in progress for certain but how I deal with it is this…I know in my heart that Allah/G.D has a purpose for the pain I had to endure.I am certain it has something to do with making me emotionally stronger and I will say through this experience I have changed.I now HATEEEE Lying,cheating,stealing.Before I never gave alot of thought to these characteristics in a person but BOY oh BOY I sure give serious thought on it now.I used to be a people person well not anymore I am learning to be wise.I can discern between decent G.D fearing people and sinful people.I keep my distance.I see my husband as a challenge to be frank.At times It seems he is getting wiser but at other times not so much.I am more interested in people who are sincere in doing what is just and right.
    Don’t stress out about what your husband says to you because if Allah was standing next to your husband your husband could say anything he wanted and it wouldn’t matter even 1% to you.As a matter of fact chances are u would have to turn to your husband and say”Did u say something Dear” LOL u just do what u believe Allah/G.D would want u to do and close your ears to whats coming out of your husbands mouth at times.Soo thats how I get through it most days I just have this Image in my mind that Allah/G.D is great and stay on my path by being a decent human being.
    I give u an example ok… Last year my inlaws were kicked out of my Father inlaws childhood home that is legally partially his because my husbands Grandfather owns the land.Even still it was not suppose to be legally done but people are corrupt and it happened.My father inlaw when he saw his belongings being thrown out in the street passed out.He could not take what his own father had done with him.So my Inlaws call us and my husband becomes so emotional telling me what is going on and hands me the phone to speak to my father inlaw and my FIL is so upset he just breaks down crying and can’t even find words to speak.At that moment I told my husband tell your dad don’t worry we will build a huge house and we will help them and give them money.Instantly my FIL started feeling hopeful and although it kills him to know what his own father did with him he is happy today because I kept my word and my husband and I helped them to build a house which sits right next door to husbands grandfathers home(the old man that kicked my inlaws out of his home).My inlaws built the home my husbands grandfather lives in and it is seriously HUGE!! Two stories 15 room 2 kitchens 4 baths(very big home)took 30 yrs to build that home BUT in one year we Built an even bigger home next door.Our new Home is three stories and is massive compared to grandfathers home.My inlaws are leaving next week to go see it for the first time and are so excited.My point is even though my inlaws treated me less than I didn’t want to be the same as them so I try not to go there is my point.I am not perfect but I try my best to be a good human.

  • Saira

    June 12, 2017

    Salam/hi every one
    Just wanted to say to all you that you all being like my family and you all were there for me when I was in my lowest mood and so sad
    I always pray for sister ana for such a great support for all of us
    May Allah bless you all
    I been so busy with my life
    And I changed my self all
    I lived with my in laws for 3 months and I was comjng to live with my husband every other night and also we were going out and doing all the things which I desire to do with out new born baby
    Life is so great Alhamduliah
    My mother in law is like my own mother now
    Its all because I let negativity go away from windown and I try not to think bad about any one and now my life is in pease
    I just cry to Allah and complain to him when I get hurt
    And Allah is great healer
    JazakAllah all sisters and hope Ramadan is going well
    Keep me in your prayers ameen

  • Lost Soul

    June 12, 2017

    Little Secret,

    I found out after they got married. Apparently it was to not cause me pain etc. Whatever.

    But, as devastating as this was/is, and this is JUST ME, I am glad I found out after the Nikah was done.

    If I had known when he was getting married again, I can imagine myself dreading the day of their wedding, their wedding night, or even by chance, hearing the plans of the wedding underway..it would have probably driven me mad…. I thank Allah for small mercies.

    I am by nature an over-thinker, so, I am quite sure I would have driven myself to the brink of insanity. But again, this is just me. I am sure a lot of woman would still prefer to know ahead.

    Thank you for the advice Little Secret. Like you said, its the Getting There that is the most difficult.

  • Lost Soul

    June 12, 2017

    Gail,

    Wowza! That is some betrayal you have gone through! I wonder how you went through so much and still managed to forgive your husband.

    I feel like I am reading my story when you write about you went about feeling like a zombie.

    I feel the same way. I am so lost some days. I fluctuate between feeling numb and then extremely depressed, where tears just fall unchecked and I don’t even realize that I am crying!

    I still haven’t spoken or even contacted my co yet. Alhumdillah, my husband and her have given me space and time to meet when ever I feel comfortable to do so.

    Gail,In a perverse or maybe petty way, I know that even if I forgive my husband and move on from this pain, I want him to realize the pain he caused me.. or to understand the pain I am going through.

    Sounds silly, but when he mouths off to me then I want him to feel this pain. Its not right of me, but it’s what I feel when he does that.

    Once, in an argument, He said if I cannot accept her and polygamy, then he will leave her. AND me. Yep. Its all or nothing for him. Times like that I wanna tear my hair out.

    Your statement about how men can run hot and cold towards their wives boggle me too lol.

    Shukranallah, financially I have nothing to worry about, and he is also a very resposable father, so our child will want for nothing.

    I am hoping it stays that way though. I haven’t really thought much about the financial aspects yet to be honest. I need to get my heart sorted before I can think with my head.

    I mean

  • Lost Soul

    June 12, 2017

    Annabellah
    Aww thank you for the warm welcome!

    You know, its funny, I read your advice and went.. yeah she is right.. hmm.. yeah makes sense.. yep that’s true..
    In fact pretty much how I go when I read some good advice, especially from the veterans of polygamy here, the super strong women here who give me hope that I will survive this.

    That it’s not the end of the world.
    Then I try and go about my day and then BOOM!! Out gush the sudden bout of tears and the depression that takes over, for awhile.

    I know he loves me, and boy, did he stand up for me all these years. In every way. Maybe that’s why it’s taking me even longer wondering how could he hurt me like this?

    But when he mouths of stuff like I didn’t do anything wrong, or sometimes in impatience he says ‘Well you’re not the only woman in the world who has gone through this’ or ‘At least you got me alone for these many years, she starts of sharing me’.. Well! I see red. Is he trying to console me with his logic LOL?!

    Of course, He has also been extremely patient with me in the beginning.. But now its me, not able to move forward and that’s when your advice comes in strong Ana, to focus on Allah. Not his creation. And it’s so true that Allah sends us tests us with what matters most to us.

    I am of strong faith, and I know that I will live the life Allah decreed for me, Inshallah with grace and humility, BUT unfortunately it’s taking me time to get there at the moment.

    But I shall persevere.

    Hugs to you too and a big thank you for this safe haven!

  • Amina

    June 12, 2017

    Thank you Ana for replying this fast!
    Yeah, I understand that. It makes sense. I really hope to be a good friend and sister to everyone here..

    Dear Heartbroken,

    How are you? I hope you and your children are well and are having a nice Ramadan ^_^

    I wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about you a lot and that I really really wish that everything goes out well for you.

    There are some tips I want to share with you, which will in shฤ’a Allฤh help you feel better, maybe help you figure out what is wrong with your husband and make you realise what you have been overlooking in your relationship. I honestly don’t feel “qualified” to tell you what to do.. But these are tips I learnt from relationship advisors, which I utterly believe to be great.

    I will narrate them in my own words, but this will take a while in shฤ’a Allฤh. I can’t do much today.

    By the way, giving tips and reading them is easy. Telling people to adopt a certain lifestyle or believing that a certain lifestyle is great is easy. Implementing all of that is not easy. We all believe that living as pious, devout Muslims is the best way to live. But how many of us do that..?

    It is easier for us to be pious Muslims when we read the Qur’an frequently, do lots of Dhikr and think about the stories of the Prophets (alahim as-salฤm).

    It would be easier for you to follow my tips if I wrote an entire book with lots of real life examples, but I can’t do that. I will try my best to advise you to your best interest. It will then be up to you if you wish to implement it or disregard it.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2017

    Amina,

    Sorry, I don’t get involved in free advertising for others here on this blog. I’ve got enough going on trying to get this blog and my own book out there. It’s a lot work. I don’t publish emails either. The blog is for us to talk here. If you have something to pass along that you learned from the book feel free to do so without revealing the name of the book, author etc. I do it sometime in saying, for instance, “I’ve read someplace that such and such is good” etc. I learn this and I lean that from reading something, somewhere. I don’t mean to come across as cold, but maintaining a blog is a lot of work and I ain’t got time to work for other while I’m at it. Ya Know what I’m saying…

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2017

    Gail,

    I totally agree with you about Azam. I was thinking the same thing about the child, as well. I can’t see any woman letting a man take her child just because he is “man” unless, as you said, they live in some patriarchal country such as the one which I despise a lot about it (Saudi).

    I think Azam is deluding herself. Those arranged marriages are no joke. You’re the exception to the rule. Azam said he didn’t meet his other wife until the day of the marriage. Oh, well, it’s not a shocker to me. It’s the way arranged marriages sometimes go. If he were all into Azam, as someone said he’d be there hoping for the divorce that Azam said he want his other wife to ask for. It makes no sense that his dad would tell him to divorce the arranged marriage wife when he put it together.

    It certainly isn’t looking good if Azam was in an eleven year relationship with the man and he up and married another woman – stranger and is married two years. He must be quite comfortable in that arrangement as he’s not knocking down Azam’s door at night, nor throwing much money her way.

    It would behoove Azam to focus on her own life and where she goes from here.

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Ana,
    Gosh I don’t see any good coming out of Azam’s situation.All I keep thinking is dang her cowife don’t know they married and the husband has not manned up and told her.Boy oh Boy she might just kill that dude! I also don’t understand where Azam thinks that her husband would automatically get the child unless they all live in Saudi then maybe it’s possible I guess.Even in Pakistan now days the mothers are keeping their children with them.
    I think Azam is a nice girl but dang I can’t keep from thinking if anyone is getting the AX it will be Azam.

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Azam,
    I had a long post I wrote to u this morning before going to work and the internet went down but basically I wanted to say your not the only person that has struggled with Polygamy.I swear it’s the hardest thing.Don’t think we r picking on you because thats not the case at all.Alot of us done been there and done that and we learned our lesson very good.lol
    I just wanted to explain to u to have compassion for your cowife because u see this is hard on her.She don’t even know u both are married and when she does come to find out she is going to be heartbroken for herself and her child.I understand u been with him for 11 yrs I totally get it but u don’t have a child with him.Even if he says he would give her a divorce if she asked I don’t believe for a second that is true.I think in all honesty if anyone gets walking papers it’s going to be you because he loves his baby and he will obviously want more children with her it’s just natural.
    I hope he will not leave u and somehow u and him and your cowife can come to an understanding but with them being in an arranged marriage and him knowing she was his mothers dying wish.I guess what I am trying to say is WHEN is he going to man up and tell her about ya’s marriage?

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul,
    Wow is all I can say after reading your post.I don’t understand men how they can be so hot and cold with women/wives.I really feel bad for you because I think in your case it truly came out of left field.
    In my case Everyone knew he was lying to me and using me for a greencard EXCEPT ME! He did divorce his first wife legally but he kept her on the side for 8 yrs before coming clean to me.It was the worse thing I had ever been through in my life seriously it broke me inside because I was always such a nice sweet person and never knew people like my husband and his family could actually exist to be frank.Even my husband and I are still together but I do hope Allah/G.D deals with him how he treated me through those yrs because I will never forget.I walked around like a Zombie and my kids didn’t have all of me for many years.I don’t think I have it in me to forgive him or my excowife for them deceiving me.I am fine now and my excowife has recently remarried but I don’t know the past lingers I guess.
    I will say this though as the years go on it does get easier so don’t waste your time being a Zombie esp if u have small children your husband is truly not worth that emotion from you.If u have children focus on them and making their childhood as precious and beautiful as u can because one day u will look back and be very thankful u did.I would also say if u have daughters work hard to secure their futures so if Polygamy ever comes in their lives they have the financial security to walk away if they choose.
    In saying all that Polygamy can be a great blessing and I don’t know if your cowife is a good person or not but If she is then Polygamy can be a very good thing and a blessing in peoples lives.I wish my excowife would have accepted Polygamy for the sake of the children and the family unit but it was not meant to be and as of now her and I are not on good terms anymore because I called her out on her attitude a couple months back.

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Ummof4,

    Hey so u have a Princess Bed toooo! lol I loved that story as a child we called it the Princess and the Pea.Hope all is going well for you.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul, Welcome!https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I’m happy you decided to no longer be a silent reader and you’ve joined us. I’m happy that you’ve been speaking with all the lovely ladies here who have introduced themselves.

    I was thinking about your situation and just wanted to add a thing or two. Based on all that you’ve said about how wonderful your marriage was, how your husband fought for you and how your marriage was the envy of many (those may not have been your exact words. I’m working off memory now, as it’s almost break fast time where I am and I’m rushing a bit) – anyhow, based on those things, it appears that your marriage was most important to you.

    It’s been said that Allah tests us with that which means most to us. It makes sense because it wouldn’t be a test if it was about something we don’t care about.

    It could be that Allah wants good for you and is testing you with your husband, as He wants you to turn away from your husband and turn towards Him. When you were all into your husband, you was facing him and your back was to Allah.

    You’re beginning a new chapter in your life. Your life with your husband as you had known it is over. You can’t get it back. It doesn’t mean that you won’t continue to have a meaningful, loving, good relationship with your husband. You still can and it could be better than ever. You just have to get there. It take time and it takes a lot of work.

    It’s time for you to start making Allah your priority. He has to come first.

    I know you are going through an awfully tough time right now and it feels as though it’s killing you. It just may be part of the purification process. Polygamy may just be the avenue to help take a woman to Jannah/Paradise.

    Anyhow, we’re here for you. Again, it’s nice you’re here {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2017

    Everyone is rocking and rolling in giving Azam very good advice. She has a lot to digest, a lot to put in her pipe and smoke it.

    One thing I found interesting is that she said his brother told her to get married as a “second wife”. The prodding leads me to believe that he thought the two should tie the knot/ get married so their eleven years relationship could be halal.

    I see it that Azam does what many wives in polygamous marriages do – try to make themselves appear to be the better wife, the one that the husband really wants and he is just with the other one for any reason that she could dream up (baby, sex, parents wanted it etc). It does a disservice to the woman who spends her time thinking about that type of stuff. She’s not dealing in reality, but in imagination.

    Most of what Azam says about the other wife makes no sense. As you’ve all pointed out, Azam is the one who is alone every night and has a husband who pays only one bill. Yet the other wife is living as though she’s in a monogamous marriage to an extent. The other is the hand picked one, as well. The other and the husband are living culture/tradition. Is it right? Well, we just know it’s not Islam that they live.

    Azam reminds me of “Saira” who used to be here. Remember, she used to boast about how much her husband loves her body and her size and how happy she makes him, which the other one can’t do and blah, blah, blah. She said she had to show his other wife how to clean the house etc. There’s a lot of similarity in the two.

    Perhaps Azam will sit down and read and re-read what all of us have written to her so that she can begin to open her eyes to what’s going on in her life, Insha Allah.

  • Marah S

    June 11, 2017

    Azam,

    If he really doesn’t care for her, and is just waiting for her to file for a divorce then how come you’re the one being neglected and feeling like a whore, and she’s getting all her rights and more like a proper wife. If he truly wants nothing to do with her then why is he so adamant on pleasing her while giving you the short end of the stick? He won’t even spend money on you like you had agreed on before marriage.

    Are you secretly wishing for him to divorce her and take the child away so you two can play house? Because you complain about her not accepting you but you seem even less accepting of her.

    You seem to have convinced yourself that somehow you’re still the winner here, even though he makes it clear with his actions who his priority is. And instead of humbling yourself and trying to figure out a way for him to at the very least give you your proper rights, you’re sitting there counting up all the reasons why your husband and his family don’t actually like her. Somehow you’ve worked it out that you’re the true wife and she isn’t. But wait, aren’t you the secret?

    All the while your situation is not moving in any direction. They don’t sound to be fast tracking towards divorce anytime soon. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband has been lying to you about the state of their relationship just to keep you on the hush about him clearly neglecting you.

    Lets suppose it’s true that he only loves you and that you are his favorite wife. Congratulations. But where has that gotten you? Nowhere. You’re still the one getting nothing but sex. Maybe if you focused less on trying to villainize his wife and mother of his child you could focus more on fixing your own situation. Until then, enjoy all the perks of being the real/favorite wife. Or might I say lack thereof.

  • ummof4

    June 11, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Azam, it sounds as if you are in a “culture war”. Your husband did just what his family wanted him to do as part of their culture. He did not marry you for 11 years because you were good enough to be a girlfriend, but not good enough to be a wife in the eyes of his family. Once he “married for real”, he could now marry you. You say you feel like a whore now because he doesn’t spend any nights with you; was he spending nights with you before he married his other wife or after he married her? (You don’t have to answer these questions on the blog, just answer them for yourself.) In many cultures, if a woman has sex (oral or vaginal) with a man before marriage, she will always be considered a whore, even if they get married.

    Lost soul, it is possible that your husband loves both of you. Men can love more than one woman and some men can handle being married to more than one wife and treat each wife properly according to Islam. Ask Allah to give you guidance and strength.

    Everyone, enjoy the rest of your Ramadan by doing good deeds and worshipping Allah as He commanded us to.

    Gail, when we bought a new bottom for our mattress and boxspring it raised it up so high that I have to use a step stool to get on my bed. I thought I was the only one who had to do that. I call it my “Princess Bed” from the stage play “Once Upon a Mattress”. The play was based on the children’s tale about a prince seeking a bride. The test to see if someone was a real princess was to put 40 to 100 mattresses on top of each other and let the young lady go to sleep on the bed. They would put a pea underneath the lowest mattress. If she was a true princess, she would not be able to sleep because she could feel the pea through all the mattresses.

  • LittleSecret

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul,
    It must be very hard for you, that you have no choice but to accept the situation. I don’t know if anyone can ever really “ACCEPT”, or just you learn how to “COPE” cause its the only way you could survive each day? Your husband stood for you, which is a very good thing, cause many guys (including my experience) can’t be a man to go to their family and fight even the slightest chance we could have. Which I don’t understand why they are so scared to tell their family? It is “FAMILY”, which I believe even in our failures, they will accept us. How i wish he stood up for me like yor husband did.

    If you don’t mind, how did you know about the second marriage? Did they inform you beforehand? Did they just do it secretly?

    Sister, I know it is very painful now, and all we can do is to say “it will be ok, time will come you can accept, pray and keep the faith, etc”. But the hardest is when you are in the process of reaching that time, that “eventually”. But keep your faith and your marriage. Maybe we can’t understand now why we have to experience such pain, but dont let your heartaches devour you. Cause in time like this, all we have is just God and ourselves. Whatever their reason, maybe they have something on each that they can’t give up that’s why they chose to get married, and as well as your husband can’t give you up because he loves you and it is proven because he chose you and fight for you before. Maybe time can only heal you, and ofcourse God, He will help you. Until you haven’t reach that time, until you are not there, my advice is that you focus on yourself and to your child, don’t overthink their relationship, and also read about polygamy, read blogs, stories of about polygyny, because you are there now, you can’t change the situation so better to prepare yourself and have wide understanding about the situation. Reading may somehow help you convince yourself that it will workout, that there are people who survived that kind of relationship. You are now there in polygamy, whether you like it or not you have to live in your reality even it is hard.
    God bless you sister, I will pray for you.

  • Tasliyman

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul

    No worries, to be honest I am still confused about the details of Azam’s story.
    And I too feel that the co-wife should get a little more sympathy. If the husband is lying to Azam he is definitely not helping the situation but we’ve seen it happen so many times here that it wont be an uncommon occurence.

    Azam,
    You say that the whole town knows that you are his wife yet you got married recently whereas she got married in 2013. I just cant figure out who the secret wife actually is.

    I’m sorry to say this but my opinion is (and it is only my opinion) that if he really didn’t care if she initiated a divorce he would actually have stayed nights with you like a married couple. What possible reason can he give for not staying with you now that she knows about your marriage?

  • Lost Soul

    June 11, 2017

    Tasliyman
    I just ‘re read what Azam wrote and you are right. I got all pissed off thinking he didn’t take the child to the doctor! Lol. Oops!

    Though I am not too impressed with the way he talks about his wife to Azam. It’s still disrepectful to the first wife.

    And if he is just feeding Azam lies about how he feels about the first wife, then it’s not helping the situation either don’t you think?

    He needs to man up and think of a way to give both the wives the respect and dignity they deserve.

    Azam
    I don’t understand why your husband feels that if he divorces her he will seperate a child from it’s mother?

    Do you mean if they divorce, He gets custody of the child?

  • Azam

    June 11, 2017

    You correct, the mother just doesn’t go. Everyone in that town knows I am his wife.

  • Azam

    June 11, 2017

    Gail, I had no idea his Dad was looking for someone. I was part of the family, came to dinner, birthday parties, even help deliver the first grandchild and named her! I NEVER saw any signs. His wife told me the did not even see each other until the day of marriage. As far as almost 11 years in the relationship, he said he didn’t want to marry until he could afford to support that idea. I know, this makes me look bad. But I was there for everything until his mother got breast cancer for the second time, she knew it was done. So she called and wanted a “family reunion ” one last time before she past away. As soon as he got there the struggle began, the Uncle took the passport, his dad threaten to make him leave his family, and the other uncle to kill him…. I finally heard the whole store from his dad’s mouth! Now, he begs his son to divorce her, but he won’t, he said if she asks me for a divorce I will give it to her, otherwise he doesn’t want to be the person that takes a child away from its mother.

  • Tasliyman

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul,

    I dont think Azam said that the husband didnt take the child to the doctor when he was sick but rather that he didnt take the mother with when he took the child to the doctor.

    If it is really true or just something he told Azam to pacify her is of course another story.

  • Lost Soul

    June 11, 2017

    Gail,

    I hope I didn’t across as too harsh. But what got my goat the most, was the part about the refusal to go to the doctor because he refused to acknowledge her as his wife! I mean, Hello.. its YOUR child too!

    If you cannot be a good responsible father, then why even get married to her to have a baby!?

    Gail, I was dragged into Polygamy, kicking and screaming And crying as opposed to entering into Polygamy. I found out the same usual horrible way. With him coming clean after the deed was done.

    And I must say, three months in, my soul is still as lost as ever. The wounds are still so raw that I can’t talk much about it without breaking down a million times LOL. Suffice to say I am still shattered.

    My husband and I are from two completely different cultures and even different countries. He comes from a background steeped in tradition too.

    Though he stood up for me against his parents and relatives.
    Fought for me and refused to marry anyone But me.
    He told his family, that if they had a problem with him marrying me then he would not marry at all. They could take a call.

    He refused all proposals thrown at him and stood strong for me till they backed down.

    They did finally agree after a long battle lol.

    Then 9 years on, and a beautiful baby and us being the envy of everyone as we had a Beautiful Marriage and us being so in love (or so I thought) he falls in love with someone else and now, the battle is with me.

    I am unable to accept the the second marriage and I don’t know what to do. I am unable to leave him either as I love him still. Even after this betrayal!
    And after all we have been through to be together, I feel betrayed that he is willing to throw it all away. He doesn’t shy away from telling me she is worth it though.

    He said he loves us for different reasons. And he needs both of us.

    Three months on, it looks to me he doesn’t need me at all or as much as he needs her. Same story different people.

    Jealousy, betrayal, tears, all as per usual in a polygamous marriage.

    And also, the same story of the co entering into polygamy agreeing to certain terms or rather any terms, and wanting different terms just a few weeks in.
    And the husband being pulled apart in two directions, and me feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick.

    Stop me if you already bored of this story Gail LOl.

    Lots of incidents and a lot of issues that need to be sorted out. Just trying to figure out how to deal with all this SH%ยฅ.

    From the little I have read, I feel I am kinda like you. I am feisty and have a no-nonsense, take no prisoners attitude.

    But I am reacting totally different to how I thought I would to polygamy and also to whatever situations are being thrown at me. And that surprises and terrorizes me at the same time.

    A lot of compromise only from my side and it’s breaking me further.

    I am shocked I am still in this marriage and have not walked out yet but as a lot of you sisters say here..You don’t know how you would react to a situation till it actually happens to you.

    I will do anything for my child and will not take any bullshit when it comes to my child, but it looks like I am able to accept crap thrown at me.

    I will say he is a wonderful father though, and I dont want to break up the marriage and I don’t want to break up my little family either.

    So much more to say/write, but I can’t right now.
    But thanks for asking Gail.

  • Heartbroken

    June 11, 2017

    Flower,
    Thank you so much for your kind words.
    I totally agree with your advice.

    Thank you so much for writing to me.
    Inshallah I will get stronger. And I am focusing all my energy on my kids now as they are and should be top priority. I don’t want them to see me crumbling. They need a strong role model especially at their tender age.

    Thank you again for your words and advice.

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Azam,

    I have to ask you something about your husband? Did u know from the start of your relationship that his family would do an arranged marriage with your husband? Also can u expand on why u guys waited 11 yrs before u decided to marry? I am asking these questions because Normally woman come on the blog not realizing or believing that their husbands would actually have a preconceived notion that their parents will pick their spouse/Have an arranged marriage.These men always know they will do Arranged marriage because that is their culture and even their own parents had arranged marriages not to mention all their other siblings and family members.The men take a girlfriend and then after a few yrs the men drop the bomb on the GF that they have to do arranged marriage like they r innocent and obviously this comes out of left field to GF and starts to question why and even starts to go into a mental breakdown because she has invested so much time in the relationship just to be told he has to do arranged marriage.
    I am just curious did u know from the start your husband would have to do an arranged marriage?

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Flower,
    Welcome to the group!

  • Gail

    June 11, 2017

    Lost Soul,
    Welcome to the blog! I totally agree with everything u wrote to Azam.I think alot of times when we are in situations it’s really hard to discern all the rights and wrongs going down in a relationship.It’s nice to have other people look in and say hey I see this going on and it don’t seem right to me.So how did u enter into Polygamy?

  • Flower

    June 11, 2017

    Assalamu alaykum sisters. I have been a silent reader for some time now. Today, I just felt like commentkng. SubhanaAllah all I want to say is that I look up to you sisters for being in a polygynous and the patience you have to go through it cause boi I don’t know how I would have dealt with it.

    Heartbroken your posts have really affected me and the advice i would advise you is that you need to occupy yourself with something and do you. Do not be scared to stand up for yourself but of course do it in the appropriate manner. One day your husband will come to notice all the wrong he has done whether in the dunya or the akhirah. The reason why he is not noticing at the moment is because I believe he is newly married to your cowife and he feels the need to impress her thats why when you talk to him he compares your previous life to the current with hers. Which is totally wrong. I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs but just remember this the prophets were tested on bigger things and they had reliance on Allah. They did not just stop their they still carried on. You need to move on with your life and show your kids that you care and how of a strong woman you are and they will see this for themselves.

    I pray Allah grants everyone here ease and sabr in their marriages Ameen.

  • Gail

    June 10, 2017

    Azam,
    So u are a secret wife.Then it totally sucks to be u right now.I have to ask u why did u do it knowing his other wife has no interest in Polygamy and she will take the baby and leave? I can’t help but wonder why u didn’t go to her and tell her straight u have no intentions of going anywhere.I don’t know I feel u should have warned her or walked away from him.I can’t help but thinking u caused this mess on yourself.I would say now that u r married u have got to fix this mess.Don’t expect dear old hubby to fix it or u will be waiting a very long time.Men don’t normally fix messes they create them.Also don’t expect that u did this behind her back that she will accept u after this.Dang girl u sure made a mess.
    I wish women would understand if they have any chance of getting along with the other wife then u have to be upfront and honest.I will never understand going behind peoples back just to satisfy a desire.

  • Lost Soul

    June 10, 2017

    Hello and Salaam to all Dear Sisters,

    I am a silent reader here for the past 3 months. Silentyl trying to figure out my own polygamous marriage as a first wife, by reading the stories and advice given here.

    And while my situation hasn’t really improved, I must say that reading the stories here is a balm to my soul in the fact that I am not alone,as well as the fact that I can come here anytime when things are unbearable for me.

    But reading Azam’s post,I must say ..

    Wow!!! Azam, I really think you are wrong here to blame your co wife.

    I see only your husband as the culprit here. He didn’t have the balls to stand up for you and marry you.
    And worse,now that he has married the poor woman who is is first wife now, he actually tells you that he refuses to take their child to the doctor when ill, JUST because he is embarrassed/ashamed to call her his wife!!??!!!

    And this is the child who he claims to love so much and hence,can’t leave his first wife for you!

    That he would refuse to take a child to the doctor along with his wife for that simple reason. Woah! Mind blown! How selfish and immature and rude!!

    And the fact that YOU would condone that behaviour from him toward his other wife speaks volumes about you accepting her as a co-wife!

    You want her to accept you as a second wife but have you accepted her as his now-first-wife or even just his WIFE?

    Seems to me, you think he only married her to satisfy his parents and to be a baby carrier and that’s it. So basically not a wife he loves or cares for. Not his actual wife. Which you think you are. And that she is the barrier that stops the two of you living the happy version of life that you perceived.

    Please don’t fall for the lies that come out of his mouth.
    If he can so proudly proclaim you as his wife when he take you to for your doctors visits, then he needs to man up and have the balls to stand up to anyone and tell the world that you are his wife.

    You have my sympathies with your battle with cancer, but it doesn’t condone the blame you put solely on the woman and set him free of all blame and responsibility.

    If you are a secret wife, and all this was done behind your co’s back,dont you think she will obviously react in a negative manner?

    I mean,have a heart Azam. Give her time. Insha Allah she will come around. But till then,I hope your husband mans up and gives the BOTH of you,the love and respect a wife deserves!

    Looks to me,in this situation,he is treating you both with disrespect, I am very sorry to tell you that.

    And the fact that he speaks so rudely about her to you,tells me more about his character that I need to know, and, its sad that you can’t see that fact.

    Also,take a step back and think what lies he must be spouting to her,about you?

    I dont mean to sound harsh dear Azam, but you need to see the truth.

    No harm meant with my words dear Azam. Or anyone reading this. Just my 2 cents. Peace out!!

    Amd before I forget…Ramadan Kareem to all!

  • Gail

    June 10, 2017

    Azam,
    I read your post and I get the feeling u are either very young or very naive.Listen just because your cowife told u she would accept u that obviously means nothing.Think logically she went out of her way to seek u out that should have been your first clue she was having issues.Also just because she told u she would accept u after her seeking u out is moot because she told her husband straight she is not accepting Polygamy and I would assume u knew that before u married him?
    I am not trying to be against but instead trying to open your eyes to what may very well happen as a result of your husband not being upfront and sneaking behind her back and marrying you.It’s a very sad situation.I totally get it that u were in the picture first for 11 yrs but dear he never bothered to marry u in all those yrs so why on earth did he marry u after he married her.That is just insane to me! Furthermore he is putting his child on the chopping block.She may very well make good on her threat and divorce him and take the child.From my point of view I just have a hard time understanding why u decided this was the best course of action to marry after 11 yrs of dating.It seems like u guys couldn’t have picked a worse possible time.
    How long were they married before u and your hubby up and married?

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2017

    Gail,

    There you go again, crackin me up laughing. LOL Oh, my…you are too funny. All you want is just one DECENT gift! Maybe one day, they’ll surprise you.

    I, too, think it’s about to get hot up there with Mari2 and the drama. I’m waiting to see how it all unfolds. Mari2 is one tough cookie.

  • Gail

    June 10, 2017

    Mari2,

    I knew it was only a matter of time before mommy dearest was going to rear her ugly little head at your hubby and demand him to get rid of you.He will try to smooze it over lets see who wins the drama game him or dear old mom and second wife.It seems his sister is a Class A instigator if u ask me.I hate that in Pak culture they try to suck u dry.My inlaws are going back and they always spend so much money taking back gifts but they have yet to bring me one decent gift.I would love to have some rings or necklace but u think I ever see anything real HECK NO!I honestly don’t go out of my way for them anymore and even I put my MIL to cooking for the family.I don’t mean to sound nasty as I speak about them but it does IRK me that they don’t pay for anything and can’t even bring me back a certain ring that they know I would love.Oh get this a few yrs back I asked my husband to have the inlaws bring me that certain 24 carrot gold ring and u know what I got…Oh I got the ring and loved it but after about a month the fake gold started coming off on my finger.Man I was Pi$$ed.I told my husband that my MIL brought me back a knock off/Fake ring and instead of being angry he said the Jewelry place ripped her off.Yeah sure My A$$ the woman that has bags over bags of gold Jewelry ripped off!! I don’t think sooooo!

  • Azam

    June 10, 2017

    I found out about a couple of months, she searched for me. She told me it was a forced arranged marriage. I asked her permission 2 be the 2nd wife, I screenshot the message and she said “I accept you”… then she went to husband and said if you do the second wife i will divorce you!

  • Mari2

    June 10, 2017

    I was so relieved and thankful to Allah yesterday when I got the news that my application was accepted and approved. That buoyant mood carried me over to today and then….smack, right into a wall of drama of 2 and his family. M comes this morning and blurts out that 2 is angry because he chose to spend Iftari with me on Tuesday. I didn’t expect him on Tuesday. It was a pleasant surprise. So 2 has locked him out of their bedroom ever since. Oy, the drama. Whatever. So I told him that he needed to figure it out. What am I supposed to do?

    Then M tells me that MIL says that he either has to choose me or his family. I just replied “you know that’s culture not Islam right?” Or MIL suggested that I live with them. ??? Ummmm…big hairy NO. I said “it’s my right in Islam to have separate living quarters.” And since I am the one who pays my own way on that…where I decide to live is a moot point as far as his family is concerned. Then he said my SIL said I should be cooking food for the family. (Right about then my head nearly exploded). I said very calmly: Dude, didn’t I just send you home with a flan and halal jambalaya on Monday? Don’t I routinely send food, shampoo, lotions, etc to your family? Didn’t you just take all the canned chick peas out of my pantry and take it to them this week? I Am Just Floored. Amazed. Flabbergasted. Astounded by the ability of some to be…well…ungrateful people. And I asked him point blank: what single thing have any of them ever cooked or given me?

    Then I was just in a foul mood all the day long until I left the store where I pretty much work for free, so he can put a roof over their heads. As I left I told him how my day was ruined by his family drama and I want NO part of it. I told him this isn’t Pakistan. I am not Pakistani and I will not be beholden to the culture game. I told him “This is your mess, your drama. I am out of it. Step up and take control. There are only 3 people in this marriage. You, me and 2. Not your mom. Not her mom. Not your sister.”

  • Mari2

    June 10, 2017

    Salam to all. I had to chuckle over your images of me. Some of you were quite accurate. I am petite and in decent shape, and currently a blond. I live in a 1966 raised ranch home. No library Gail. But some books of course. MASHALLAH my rental application was approved on the condo I will move to at the end of the month. However it is not 2.4 million, nor does it have a view of the white house. It has a view of a retaining pond.

  • Tasliyman

    June 10, 2017

    Azam,

    I am confused by the details of your story.

    If you dont mind me asking,did you only find out he was married a month after you got married or did the first wife only find out about you a month after you got married?

    I’m with Gail on the lack of sympathy. I believe that a little compassion between co-wives for what the other is going through really goes a long way.

  • Gail

    June 10, 2017

    Azam,

    Something about how u are explaining your situation don’t sit right with me.I guess it is the lack of sympathy for your cowife that comes across to me loud and clear.Lets be clear your husband is the one at fault here not your cowife!She has every right to be angry and I personally wouldn’t blame her if she had thoughts to strangle him to be frank.I accept he has a right to practice Polygamy BUT he didn’t have a right to ruin her life and what I mean by this is the girl was very vocal before marriage he better not be messing around with you on the sly if she was going to marry him.U and your husband both knew from day one she had no interest in Polygamy…so my question is why did he marry her only to disrespect her by going behind her back and practicing Polygamy/marrying u on the down low? It comes across to me as a wife and a mother that he is self absorbed and didn’t mind to trap her.Now she is has a baby and if she does divorce she has so much to consider like how will another man treat her baby.I don’t have any sympathy for your husband they way he went about marrying you.I think u need to seriously start showing some empathy for your cowife because she seems to be the only truly honest person in this marriage.
    I am not saying u are a bad person but u really need to take a step back and see your husband comes across as a person who is trying to fulfill his own lust and desires.
    U also better watch out because if it comes down to u or his baby and baby mama u are going to hands down be the looser.He will never love u more than his baby.U can slice it and dice it however u like but thats the truth of your situation.That’s my 2 cents on your situation.Again I want to say I don’t think u are a bad person but I do believe u didn’t think about the outcome should his other wife leave and take the child and he can’t handle it and is forced to let u go or keep u as a secret wife because in your case I doubt she is ever going to accept you because she has made it clear to you she will leave him which is her right to do so.Men have rights to be Polygamous but so do women.She has every right to walk and when she does u better think how that is going to affect u because for certain it will in one way shape or form.

  • Azam

    June 10, 2017

    I agree with you, I honestly think she staying long enough to get citizenship and then she will divorce him! I guarantee that is what is in her mind! She is an educated woman, he won’t even take her with him when the child needs to go to the doctor because he doesn’t want people knowing that is his wife! Me, when we go somewhere, I am introduced as his wife.She is just buying her time. When brought this up to his attention he said “Good, let her be the one to file” so the same wont be on his shoulders, thats what he thinks.

  • anabellah

    June 10, 2017

    Fatimah,

    What a wonderful post you wrote!!! It’s a beautiful reminder that you summed up so nicely. Alhumdulliah! May Allah always bless you, too, my dear sister. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2017

    She’s going to end up embarassing herself. Clearly she doesn’t believe Allah controls our lives. Your husband does need to man up.

  • Azam

    June 9, 2017

    “I want to show my family what a bad mistake they made with my life” that is exactly what she said to me. “I want to embarrass him in front of everyone ” that’s her words

  • Gail

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,
    It sounds like to me she is emotionally hurt and this is where your husband needs to come in and assure her that he loves her and that it doesn’t need to be an emotional tug of war between u two ladies.He has to man up and do to try to bring peace in my opinion.Obviously u and her have something in common u have the same taste in men.I am sure she does feel used but u both have to assure her that is not the case.She is actually the blessing to your family because she can have children is the way I see it.

  • Gail

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,
    If he doesn’t love the mother of his child then why is it you being left alone to sleep in an empty bed at night? If his other wife told u that it was her pride talking.I am certain she would feel stupid to say she loves a man that has another woman esp.. if she is young.If u both talk then why can’t u get along? whats the problem?

  • Azam

    June 9, 2017

    I have tried to be friend here, told her she doesn’t have to feel alone her, I would wish anything and everything, just accept me as a 2nd wife. She told yes I accept but I want my husband to say it in front of me. She twists my words saying we used her to have a baby. I would love to be her friend or just a civil person so I actively be in the child’s life.

  • Azam

    June 9, 2017

    Thank you so much for responding. I know he loves me, cares about the mother of the child, but no love on either part,she told me herself when she hunted me down.Shes trapped, he’s trapped. I bring happiness to him and the baby does to. It’s like the first wife is there for offspring.

  • Gail

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,
    Welcome to the blog I was reading your and Ana’s post to each other and was trying to figure out your situation as well.I think in your case sense u know u can’t have children and u have had cancer and u knew him for 11 yrs before u up and married him u are going to have to bite the bullet on this one.He will never leave his wife and child esp with him knowing u r not going to give him kids.I can’t remember if u mentioned anything about his wife knowing about your and his marriage? Either way do u get along with his other wife? Is it possible u and her befriend each other? I would say now that u have done the deed and married him u guys need to come up with a workable solution to your problems.I would go as far as to say your the perfect example of why wives should befriend each other and even live in the same home or in a duplex.U can experience motherhood through your cowife and husband.I find it so sad that him and his other wife had not had pity on you and brought u into their lives more.
    Polygamy doesn’t have to always be so horrible it’s the people that make it horrible.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,

    It does not mean that a “secret 2nd wife” is all that you are good for. Allah put people in situations for many reasons, which only He knows what the reasons are. He put some people in situations to test them and some in situations to punish them. You need to take a look at your life and try to analyze it. Don’t answer here on the blog, but answer to yourself: Have you been doing your best to do all that Allah has instructed us? What sins have you been committing? Take a good look at yourself and your life and see where you could improve to get closer to Allah and His attributes.

    It’s not a matter of you saying, for instance, Oh, well, I’m a secret wife so it’s my lot in life. It’s what I am. Allah chose our spouses, but it doesn’t mean that the parties to a marriage don’t divorce or have problems etc.

    Your marriage is not good. You’re not alone, though. There appears to be quite a number of women who are married as “secret wives”. It is so against what Islam prescribes. With polygamy being allowed for man to have four wives, there is no reason that a man should have a “secret wife.”

    It’s not looking good for you and your husband.

    You need to spend time praying to Allah and asking Him for His help and guidance.

  • Azam

    June 9, 2017

    He does live 2 hours away, the agreement was I would get one maybe 2 nights as soon as I move there. I to do not believe it. We have been married for less than a month and he never stays the night with me even if I get a hotel room. We have sex, then goes home to his wife, that he trying to hide me from because she said she will take the baby. I went for Friday prayer, listen to him say Allah picks our spouse before we are ever created, does that mean a secret 2nd wife is all I am good for?

  • Fatimah

    June 9, 2017

    Ana
    I was reading your response to I believe it was faith and Subhanullah you are spot on in regards to what you were saying about how we can still be attentive to our husbands as long as it is for ALLAH. I was thinking about this the other day how I dont think we will ever find true happiness and peace trying to please man period. We have to do whatever we do for HIS pleasure alone. Only then will we find peace. ALLAH is all that matters. Leaving people to the ONE who created them is the best thing because like you said, ALLAH swt is just and will dispense as HE sees fit. Its not an easy road, one that is less treaded but I make dua that ALLAH keeps me on that path because I dont want to be a prisoner of myself, jealousy, my husband or his wife. I Told myself whatever she gets is what ALLAH apparently wants for her and I HAVE to stop looking over there and focus on what HE wants me to focus on, HIM. LORD! such a struggle

  • Fatimah

    June 9, 2017

    Ana,
    Shukran for your thoughts and advice, may ALLAH SWT forever bless you for always bringing HIS servants back to HIS remembrance. You are so right in regards to what my husband does as the will of ALLAH. We dont breathe without HIS permission. I am guessing it is my test. It was my test before I left and it is my test now. However, I must say Alhamdulillah, I am doing much better with it. Its still hard but I before I came back I prayed and prayed that HE did not put me back where HE once took me from and that fact taht HE did made me think that there are some changes that I need to make within myself and only then will change come, but ALLAH swt knows the best of all. HE has my husband doing what he does to test me, to him too. WE all have our struggles. Sometimes it plagues my mind and I hhhhaaaaaaaate when that happenshttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif
    I Just keep praying.
    Rosa, I also appreciate your advice. I was LOL when you said ruffle you panties. Hilarious. You are right about a man needing his space and needing to put the best construction. I never tried to put the best construction. EVER. I guess that is something else that I need to work on. And I cant say that I truly know that he goes there bc I dont see him with my eyes but I guess I have based it on past experience and thinking he cant be at the mosque till 12pm. Shukran for bringing truth to light.

    I just take a big sigh because its just such a test and we worry so much about the attention and approval of man when in fact we should be racing for the attention of ALLAH swt. In my eyes it seems that the second has her way, his attention and time, and I need to recognize my space and place with ALLAH. I am literally rambling and thinking outloud! lol.

  • Gail

    June 9, 2017

    Little Secret,
    I am happy u are seeing the facts of the situation alot better now where your BF is concerned.U are very much correct that when he KNOWINGLY accepted the engagement he was clear in his mind that he was going to marry his cousin and he knew all this before getting with u.He got involved with u knowing that he would marry whom his parents chose for him because thats the way it’s done.He could have stood up for u and told his parents he loved u and at least tried don’t u think???
    Don’t ruin your life or your future children’s lives by picking any man that will insist on u and your children being kept a secret.Polygamy can be a very nice way to live as long as everyone knows whats going on.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,

    I totally understand how upset you are that your husband isn’t dealing justly with you, especially when you need him most now that you have cancer. You’re in a very difficult situation in that when those men marry in an arrange marriage, they usually do so based on their culture/traditions that they don’t tend to break. We know he is traditional, in a sense, because he is now married in an arranged marriage. It’s ludicrous to think that a man who marries that way will defy his mother and wife and children to give you the time and attention that a husband gives a wife. He has made them priority and you a “secret”.

    I don’t see much left for you to do other than to accept it or divorce him. Usually those men don’t listen to reason, because they don’t practice Islam, but practice culture/tradition instead. Therefore, talking to them according to the dictates of Islam is like taking to a wall. Do you have family or friends who could help you out.

    Being that you have cancer, the last thing you need to be doing right now is stressing out.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2017

    Azam,

    Please bear with me cuz I’m still a bit confused. Please correct me, if I’m wrong. What I got from your first post is that you and your husband have had a relationship for 11 years. You were engaged to him, but in 2013, he married in an arranged marriage. She new about you for a couple of years. Then in April of 2017 you married him or did you marry his brother? If you married your friend of 11 years, why did his brother get involved in the matter?

    In the second post you said that you married him and then a month later found out that he was already married. I suppose that is when you learned he had been married in an arranged marriage for four years already.

    Okay, so the month that you were married to him without knowing he was already married, did he spend those 30 nights with you or any of those nights? If not, where did you think he was spending his nights before you learned he was married?

  • Azam

    June 9, 2017

    Again, married less than a month after finding he was already married. Our agreement was I would get 2 night a week. He would help with groceries, clothes, and left over cancer medicine. But all I get is the car paid for. I can no longer have kids, cancer took that away. I live 2 hours away from him but says I will be moving to the same city, but I don’t believe him. I make prayer for my marriage, that he rushed to do since Ramadan is here.

  • Faith

    June 9, 2017

    Thanks Ana, may Allah right your affairs

  • Faith

    June 9, 2017

    @ rosa

    It’s really painful finding about a secret wife. My husband of nine years married his ex girlfriend that had a child for him. I never knew they existed, I found out some months ago. Till today, he has not told me when they got married. I guess she was tired of being a secret wife and she wants her rights. Now, she calls me and tries to befriend my kids, I also try to be civil to her and don’t keep my kids from her because I believe in Allah’s justice and His plans.

    Really, it is only Allah that can keep u when such a thing happens. Lol, you will think of doing deadly things to them,i did, thanks to Allah I didn’t carry them out.

  • anabellah

    June 9, 2017

    Faith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so happy to hear that you have reach the point where you are at peace. It’s all about remembering Allah and putting Him first.

    You ask if you are pushing your husband away. Maybe so and maybe not. Whichever it is, it’s good because you’re get the results that you want. PEACE. It’s what Islam is all about. Allah says that He disposes of the believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease when we obey Him.

    You’re getting to the point where you’re not turning your back to Allah. When we turn our back to Allah, we can’t see Him (meaning, we aren’t drawing near to Him and reaping the benefits from serving Him etc).

    Don’t look at is as pushing your husband away. We can still be attentive to our husband as long as we remember that we’re doing the good deeds to seek the good pleasure of Allah and we’re not doing deeds to please our husbands. We must keep everything in perspective.

  • Faith

    June 9, 2017

    Salam, ramadan mubarak to u all

    How are you all doing. I have been using your advices on focusing on Allah and it’s been helping me, though there are still times I feel down.

    Ana, what you said about getting to the point when you no longer care about what the husband does is true. When I am so concerned about his actions, I hurt so much but when I leave everything in Allah’s hands I am at peace. Now my husband feels hurt that I am not too concerned about him and he says I am pushing him away. Am I over doing it?

  • Rosa

    June 9, 2017

    Fatima, ana gave great advise. You have to get yourself to a point where stuff like that doesn’t even ruffle ur panties so to speak. The more you focus on ur husband and what he’s doing the more focus you’re taking away from Allah and as a result you will suffer. I’m curious to know, how do you know he’s going to his others house? Unless you’re following him or have a tracker on his car then you don’t know where he’s going. When I think of Fajr or right before, those are usually times one spends in worship. Perhaps he leaves your co’s home during the same timings. It’s best to put the best construction on things. Things are not always as they seem to be. A husband needs time for himself as well. And that’s his right. He can’t always be at either of your houses so try giving him an inch. If your co is being as you explained you best believe yalls husband is going to get fed up sooner than later men don’t like needy women. And even better Allah Sees All and is well Aware and will deal with people accordingly. Let go and let God

  • Rosa

    June 9, 2017

    I really don’t know what I’d do if I found out my husband had a secret wife somewhere. I could never respect such a woman. There would never be a future for us nor the children. All those considering it I beg you to reconsider. No good will come from such a thing. I mean how would you feel if your husband married you and went and had a whole other wife and family unbeknownst to you?? Yall have to put yall feet in another woman’s shoes for once.

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2017

    A reminder, it’s best that you do not use your real name here. It’s okay to use a fake name. Of course, you could use your real name if you prefer, but I don’t recommend it.

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2017

    Azam, Welcome! It’s nice that you are here!

    I must say that I’m kind of confused when it comes to readings posts such as yours. Maybe you could help me understand what you were thinking when you agreed to marry the man who while engaged to you went and married another in an arranged marriage. THEN, four years later you marry him as a secret wife. What did you expect it to be like? If he couldn’t stand up to his parents and refuse an arranged marriage and couldn’t tell his wife about you, then what made you think that he would grow some balls and stand up to his parents and wife at anytime for you?

    I don’t mean to be harsh sounding, but I’m very curious about your state of mind and the minds of those who enter such an agreement. You go into it knowing what it is (that you’re a secret and won’t get nights) and then complain about not liking it. If you didn’t want the type of relationship that you are now in, you should have ran like your shoes were on fire when he married the other woman. I suppose you do feel as though you are a “whore” if he’s not staying any nights with you and his wife doesn’t know about you.

    Please let me know how you thought it was going to be when the writing was on the wall when you married the man on 4/**/17…

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2017

    Fatimah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Ramadan Mubarak to you too!

    Based on what you’ve stated, it sounds to me that you’re doing really good right now. All that you said you are doing is what you need to do. You’re on track. You just have to keep fighting the good fight. Some people say about things – I’m not there yet. Well, when it comes to our “faith”, we’re never there yet, till the Day of Judgement. It’s what the fight should be about – entering Jannah. You need to Keep on persevering, be patient and keep praying. Don’t despair.

    A wife needs to reach a point in which she doesn’t care what her husband does. For instance, when your husband leaves and it’s still dark before Fajr or right after Fajr prayer, say, “Alhumdulliah” (all praise is due to Allah) AND mean it. Meaning that you know Allah is calling the shots. He’s pulling the strings (on the puppet-your husband) so to speak. Your husband is a servant of Allah and he will go willing or unwillingly, but he will do as Allah scripted.

    A wife needs to remember Allah is a Just God. He knows what He’s doing and He sees all things. If anyone does wrong, Allah see’s it and will deal with it according to His Will and Plan.

    Viewing everything in life that way will bring one peace and contentment in his or her life. It’s the way I see it. Life may seem difficult at times, but it’s beautiful at the same time. It can bring one so much joy. We’ve just got to do the right thing.

  • Azam

    June 8, 2017

    I guess I have questions more than commit. We Maried 4/**/17. We have known each other for 11 years and yes, engaged to marry however his family did a forced arranged marriage in 2013. The first wife has known about me for 2 years. I was ready to leave the relationship, but his brother said to be the 2nd wife, I accepted. However, his wife doesn’t know about me, he is not equal with time at all, never stays the night. The only thing he does for me is pay $350 car payment. Everything else like rent, groceries I have to get. He says he can’t divorce her because he doesn’t want to lose the baby or take the baby from the mother…… I am feeling like a whore instead of his wife

  • Fatimah

    June 8, 2017

    As salaamu Alaikum ladies and Ramadan Mubarik to all! I am back into the usual polygamy game and I wanted to seek some advice and support from my sisters. I wanted to know your thoughts on the man who goes out of his way to please the other wife to keep her mouth shut, giving in to her manipulations, goes places with her but when you ask theres no time, swears you are the favorite but treats the second like she is. I have been battling this for some time and even though I had a long break, things are as I have left them. I am not interested in running after anyone, fighting for something he isnt willing to give. His main concern is being fair and just to her. Leaving my home when it is still dark outside when fajr comes in to go other house but on her nights, he does not come to mine at fajr. Alhamdulillah I am in a different frame of mind this time around and I am very grateful to ALLAH swt for that. However, there are times I struggle with myself, my nafs. I am trying real hard not to make him my Lord, and stay focused on ALLAH, but like I said, there are days when I struggle. I make a lot of dua, asking ALLAH for HIS help, strength and guidance. Sometimes though, I just dont know what to do ๐Ÿ™

  • LittleSecret

    June 8, 2017

    Mari2,
    Thank you for your answer. I just want to know, when you got to know that he will marry to a cousin, why you didn’t prevent it? Why you allow the whole thing to happen? And if the family knew about you, why they insist to marry him to a cousin? Is that really necessary for them to marry to a non-foreigner or a relative?? He is a married man already, why they still need him to marry again to someone else? Did your husband make his stand that he won’t marry the other woman because it’s you that he loves? I hope you don’t mind my question.
    I hope you find good place easily. Godbless you and your family.

    Ana,
    Thank you for the advice. I will take it. I hope to accept it and I can learn to let go, even its hard. God bless you.

  • LittleSecret

    June 8, 2017

    Gail,
    Thank you for the advice. Yes, Egyptians can take cousins or relative as wife too, but not all. And making things clear, we don’t engage in any sexual relation. Now you don’t live in a polygamous marriage and don’t have any dilemma of the sharing of time of husband and dont have to deal with the jealousy that most wives in polygamy experienced. I am glad that you keep your husband and your family. How you managed to live in Pakistan knowing that people around you seemed to be your enemy? You are right, I also want to have a husband that would care for the welfare of the family, children and wife (me). How I wish I could win him also like what happened to you, cause he chose you and now divorced the other wife. You are a strong woman to handle those hardships. But that is most unlikely to happen since they are cousins and could cause disgrace to his family. I will ask him first if we could go to his family, if he is willing to put me in the picture and know his answer. Just to eliminate the what ifs of my life. Honestly, before this talk with you and the sisters here, I am so focused if I can handle to share a husband, if I could swallow my whole pride and accept to be a secret wife that is unacceptable to the society. My whole view was focused on me accepting that I will not have a voice in this marriage. But I neglect the most important thing to consider if I chose this path, the future children. I also think of what will I tell them why I chose to be a secret family, they will suffer because of me. They deserve better than that and I don’t want them to be treated as bastards. What hurts me most is the fact that when he accepted to be engaged, he is already ready that I may not be in his life (cause I might reject or accept the marriage he offered) and I got stuck with my hopes. It’s really hard to let go but I have to think it over and over and take your advice. This is not a losing fight. I already lost the battle since he chose to be with someone else, I just didn’t accept it.
    I am so happy that your son is doing excellent on his studies being a pilot. I hope one day I could ride the plane that he is the pilot. Things you endure is all worth it, seeing you keep the family, and the kids doing great. More blessings to you sister. Thank you.

  • Gail

    June 8, 2017

    Heartbroken,
    I also read Mari s post and thought is was right on point as well.I do hope u think to get that woman out of your company though.I don’t think it is wise that she has any access to your money but that’s my 2 cents on that topic.I think your kids are going to love cooking and eating your dishes sounds like so much fun.My own daughter is going to study to be a chef in a few yrs.The main thing u need to do is just be relax but when u make up your mind to do something just be firm and do it don’t waiver back and forth is the best advice I can give u.I am a firm believer in either Stand up and fight or Shut up and sit down…. and it’s perfectly ok to shut up and sit down for awhile until u figure out an exact course of action.Don’t feel like just because u are focusing on your kids right now that a week or a month or a year from now u might feel the need to stand up and fight.Your going to be fine in the long run because u have kids that love u.

  • Gail

    June 8, 2017

    Ana and Rosa,
    I died laughing at ya’s post! lol
    Rosa I am never near my ice cream truck when I post.I am actually on my very high need a step ladder to get up on my bed posting away to u ladies.You were right I am a fat 5’6 white woman raised in the South.My hands are not soft…I hate my hands to be honest lol there not horrible just not soft and pretty.I have a horrible habit of biting my nails as well…sorry to screw up your mental picture hahahaha

  • Marah S

    June 8, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I’m glad I could help ๐Ÿ™‚ I really really hope your heart settles and you find peace soon.

  • Marah S

    June 8, 2017

    Ana,

    wow that video was so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. Such a great reminder.

  • Heartbroken

    June 8, 2017

    Salam All

    @Marah S.. I think you are absolutely right and on point about his behaviour. It’s all him. Thank you for your advice.

    And I loved loved loved your second post. So true what you say..

    And I have kinda calmed myself down these last couple of days..coming to peace with myself and the situation..
    Hopefully this feeling lasts for awhile..

    I love eating and I have recently started baking, so in some of my free time have been reading a lotta recipes which I wanna try out.
    Am pretty sure the kiddos and I will enjoy them esp during Iftar LOL.

    I just hope i don’t become a nice lil fattie by the end of this baking craze LOL..

    I loved loved loved loved both your posts. Especially the second one.. short and so precise and to the point!!

  • Rosa

    June 8, 2017

    Gail I imagine you to be an average height Caucasian woman brown hair and soft hands when you post I always think you’re posting from your ice cream truck i don’t know why I just imagine you surrounded by my favourite ice creams

  • Rosa

    June 8, 2017

    Lol Gail that’s so funny I picture mari2 as a person who has her shizz together, in shape, eats healthy, is vitamin efficient. Lives in a 2.4 million dollar condo overlooking the White House lol. She has luncheons and Hi Ts to campaign her running for mayor so our thinking is so different. It’s hilarious how our minds work

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2017

    Gail,

    I’m laughing. I don’t picture Mari2 anything like that LOL. I only picture her as thin and mature, dark hair. It is weird how images of how we perceive someone to look comes to mind out of nowhere lol

  • Gail

    June 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    Oh I forgot to mention u brought up an excellent point about here in USA and DNA.It made me wonder how Pakistan will deal with secret wives and children who have lived overseas and show up after their dad dies demanding inheritance? I think Pakistan and other countries will have an increase in these things as years go by.I just don’t know how it will work if the wife is not legal or has something proving she was married to him.Maybe they will use DNA in the future.I am very curious how poor countries deal with these types of issues.
    In my case I get all my husbands property because he divorced his 1st wife and now she is remarried so she has no claim if he dies.I can see how how splitting properties could be a nightmare when u have more than one wife and kids with hands out looking for inheritance.

  • Gail

    June 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    Oh Dang girl sorry to here about your moving situation.I hope u find a decent place fast.
    Yeah I knew how u felt when M brought up stuff about your cowife but I thought he might have told u if she was or wasn’t for sure.I am nosy think nothing of it.lol
    Don’t laugh but it’s so strange how we mentally picture each others living situations here on the blog.I always picture u as this sweet little mature woman living in an early 1970s style 3 or 4 bedroom home with a Library full of books.Seriously every single time I read your post I picture u sitting in a cream colored chair taking tea and reading your books.How crazy is that!
    Keep us posted on your house hunt.

  • anabellah

    June 8, 2017

    Mari2,

    Although your post is about serious matters, the last couple of sentences made me chuckle. I hear ya!

    All will work out for you. Be glad it’s happening during Ramadan. Insha Allah, He’ll make the move easy for you. I know you’re strong. Don’t despair!

  • Mari2

    June 7, 2017

    @Gail,
    I don’t know for a fact if 2 is pregnant. If she is, then she is and it’s M’s responsibility to figure out. When he tries his round about questions about insurance I just cut him off with “I already told you what you needed to do A year ago. You didn’t want to listen then and I don’t feel like talking about it right now.” I am not going there. I have enough on my own plate to deal with. My land lord is selling. I have to find a place and move by the end of this month. Affordable places are scarce and I feel like I have to enter a dog fight just to get my application accepted by some semi decent land lord. I “ain’t got no time for that” which 2 may or may not be gestating. Sometimes I feel like M’s wife, and other times I feel like his unpaid intern.

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2017

    Marah S,

    Your post made me think of one of my favorite videos, which I’ve posted again below. I love, love, love the video. It brings me to tears when I watch it. It coincides with what you wrote in your post last post. I’m so happy that you wrote it ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Mari2

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,
    I will tell you that he was arranged in marriage to his cousin after we were married. And while I knew of her, she did not learn of me until after their marriage was done and relations had occurred and she had no way to annul the marriage. His family and hers knew he was married to me but kept her in the dark. They essentially removed her Islamic right to choose or not choose polygamy. I warned M against this when it happened, I begged him to be truthful but for her family it boiled down to a green card and money (he’s a citizen), for his mom it boiled down to to a DIL she could control, and keeping the cultural status quo going strong.

    And when 2 finally got wind of everything she was and still is angry. Unfortunately, she and her, and his family have directed the anger onto me. And sometimes him.

  • Heartbroken

    June 7, 2017

    Salam All
    Gail, thank you for thinking about me.
    And thank you for the advice again.

    Wow.. you have been through a lot!!! I didn’t know your background story.

    That is a lotta betrayal in the past and I am so amazed you persevered through all that and have come out so strong…

    This is definitely some inspiration for me..
    That women can go through so much and come out stronger!!

    Alhamdulillah!!

  • Mari2

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,
    I am in the US so if M and I ever had children, while we may not have a legal marriage here,any children would be registered as his,would bear his last name and he would bear a financial responsibility for them no matter what his back home culture may say. Here in the US, if the child carries the DNA of the dad,then the dad has legal responsibility to provide . There’s no “legitimate” or “illegitimate” labels placed upon any child born in this country regardless of the relationship status of the parents.

  • Marah S

    June 7, 2017

    We human beings are so foolish, we spend our whole lives crying and making a fuss about money, sex and love and then we die and leave behind all the things we were crying about. So what is the point.

    Our loved ones bury us in dirt with nothing but a white cloth in which we’re wrapped, and then they leave us there and eventually forget about us.

    Then all that’s left is us and our deeds.

    The funny thing is, if we just switch perspectives and focus on making it to Jannah, we’ll have all that we desire and much much much more for eternity, no hardships, no heart break, no fuss.

    May allah make it easy for all of us.

  • Marah S

    June 7, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Sigh, how can I keep this short.

    It might be hard for you to accept this but reading everything you wrote it just doesn’t seem like your husband likes you right now. He may still love you but he doesn’t like you. At least not at the moment. i don’t think his second wife manipulating him is really the reason why he’s treating you this way. He’s just using her complaints and so called hardships as an excuse for his behavior.

    It seems to me like he see’s you as a barrier between him and his desires, and what is his desire at the moment? The answer is, his other wife. Just like a kid throws a tantrum and lashes out when you take away something they want he’s lashing out at you for keeping him away from what he wants.

    people invest in what they’re interested in and at the moment he’s interested in his other wife but he can’t invest his time and money in her the way that he pleases because in his mind you’re in the way.

    I hope this isn’t the case but maybe he’s treating you like this because he wants you to leave. However if you were to leave I think he’d realize he made a huge mistake because I’m sure he still loves you.

    I think you ought to take the Ana’s advice and give him space, you are WAY TOO emotionally invested at this point its probably only pushing him farther away and turning him off. The more you chase him the closer he’s running to her. As the saying goes; let go and let god.

    Please don’t waste your whole Ramadan crying about him. It’s time you invest in something more beneficial. Yourself. And the best way to invest in yourself is to devote your life to seeking jannah.

    Not very short but I tried ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 7, 2017

    @Gail,

    You did a nice job in summing up the history of your children and your former co.

    @LittleSecret,

    I’d like to help you out with information about Egyptian men, but I’ve only known one. I used to talk about him on the older version of the blog. He and I were friends more so by way of phone. He married an Egyptian woman back home a few years or so ago and we lost contact. I don’t know if he’s still in Egypt or has return to the US. We never discussed much about his culture.

    I feel safe in saying that any woman should exercise caution when dealing with foreign men especially those from impoverished/poor countries. There is a likelihood they are looking for immigration status and a better life at the expense of the person who could give it to them or they have families (wives and children) back home, or are intended to women in their native land.

    A problem I see with you is that you’re trying to learn Islam when there are many Muslim who don’t live Islam, but live culture. My question to you is whether you intend to live Islam if you and your “boyfriend” don’t work out.

    As Gail mentioned, if you’ve had a sexual relationship with your “boyfriend” you could expect that he won’t take his relationship with you seriously. Many men from what they call “Muslim” countries value virginity. They don’t care to marry widows, divorcees or women with children, although it’s perfectly acceptable in Islam.

    You must do what you see fit. I see it that you are armed with enough information to make your intent to end your relationship with your “boyfriend”. You have an opportunity to get a fresh start and not make a train wreck out of your life. I see you and him as a nightmare waiting to happen. You’re thinking and acting with emotions and it’s going to cause you to get burned, if you keep going down that road with him.

  • Gail

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,

    One more thing which is the very most important thing I forgot to mention is u need to really stop and think how u want your future children to think of u because children grow up and they will ask u straight why u chose to be a secret wife knowing u will have children and they will be disinherited(treated like bastards).When people marry unless they r super wealthy finances play a role in marriage so my question to u is how will u explain to your children u knowingly married their father knowing u and them would forever remain his secret? U have a right to do as u wish but u have to ask yourself sense u do want children do u have the right to ask the same of them as well.
    Please make him bring u out of the closet for the sake of your future children if not for yourself.Also don’t buy into what he is selling u if he says he will tell them after because NO HE WILL NOT.Make him do it before.U both go to Egypt or where his parents and family and cousin he is going to marry and do it.If he don’t do it then find out who he will marry(u can do this before hand) and let her know straight up u are in the picture.If u do let her know then expect he will 100% sure kick u to the curb.If u are having sexual relations with him u might better stop is my advice until he marries u or tells u straight he used you.I hope for your sake u are not having sexual relations with him as these men don’t respect that in a woman.

  • Gail

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,
    So Egyptians marry cousins as well interesting to know.Ana has more experiences with Egyptian men than I do.Throwing Ana under the bus here.LOL
    Seriously though I am certain if he is marrying a cousin your screwed to put it mildly.
    U asked if I am still with my husband and why I stayed with him after finding out which is a very good question.
    I stayed because I had a son with him and I had adopted his son and I already had my oldest son from my 1st marriage(my first husband is deceased)Then he had a daughter from his first wife as well.It was the kids I felt an obligation to fight for the children and their futures.I pulled his kids out of Pakistan and his first wife didn’t give a hard time with letting me take the kids which also helped me to bond with the kids because she was not ever in the picture.I raised her son from the time he was a 1 yr baby and their/our daughter came to live with us in USA at age 6.My excowife was pregnant when my husband and I married now again I knew none of this at the time as they were all trying to scam me and keep me in the dark.Although my husband swears he never tried to scam me and it was more like when i come to know the truth he thought I would divorce him but when I became pregnant with our son(the child in flight school) my husband made everyone keep their mouths zipped and he became terrified if I found out the truth I would divorce him.In other word the the script flipped and he didn’t want to loose me and his son and he let me adopt his son no questions asked.
    The bottom line is it started out as him using me for a greencard but in the end he kept me and divorced his 1st wife.I tried to get him to take her back but he never would.People have asked me over the yrs why I would want her back if she poisoned me and tried so hard to get my husband to divorce me and why I stayed knowing the truth and my only answer to that is when I weighed the circumstances I thought it better to raise my children with my husband as I figured no other man could accept a woman with 3 sons and to top it all off my sons wouldn’t be allowed to grow up with their sister because I didn’t legally adopted her understand.I just couldn’t do that to my kids because my intent from day one is to raise all the children together.
    My anger towards my cowife has always been that she wouldn’t love the children or us enough to put her on petty emotions aside for the sake of the family unit.As far as my husband goes yeah he has been a real A$$ over the yrs believe me but it’s life and knowone is perfect but the one thing my husband has going for him that I do admire above all else is that the man is the hardest working man I know and he has always given me all his money to take care of his kids and that means everything to me.
    Little Secret everyone has to figure out what is important to them in their lives.Some women require romance and gushy love while others want rich men etc… I wanted a man that would take care of his kids.I have invested my life into raising my kids.
    I should mention I never had to share my time with my husband sense I was married like u would have to do.When I went to Pakistan my cowife would come stay with us until we went back to USA.We did that so she could visit with the children.My husband and her never lived together after he married me other than when we were in Pakistan and we all lived in the same house.
    U said u never thought about being a Polygamous wife before.U need to think if u can deal living alone when he is with his cousin wife and THEIR family.Is it worth it to feel such torture knowing u r his dirty little secret because that is exactly what u are going to be.Is it fair to your children that they will not inherit their fathers estate in Egypt? Don’t expect that his cousin wife and his family will find out about u and accept u down the road with open arms because from everything I been through it will NEVER happen.All it will do is divide his family.
    When my husband and inlaws stood up for me they lost their entire family.My husband has 2 aunts and uncles that have accepted us that we keep contact with but the rest of his entire HUGE family my inlaws were forced to cut off simply over a cousin marriage.
    I am not sure what u know about Pakistan or the culture but I have lived in a Pakistani family for the last 14 yrs and I am telling u they do some CRAZY $h!T!

  • LittleSecret

    June 7, 2017

    Gail,
    Thank you for the warnings. I never thought that is the culture in Pakistan. Am I just naive that I never know there’s such cruelness? I have a relationship with an Egyptian. I am learning arabic too, but I am just a beginner. I am learning his language, trying to have knowledge in Islam and getting to know his culture, and trying to broaden my knowledge in marriage according to Shariah Law, polygamy. I am really trying for him so I might somehow understand or find answer why this situation had to happen. I really put an effort on this, reading blogs and forums, even emailing those wives who had experience in polygamy even it was years written. Maybe it’s my way of convincing myself that this might work because I never brought up in this kind of culture and I don’t believe in divorce, I don’t want that to happen, there’s no divorce in my country. His family doesn’t know my existence, only his brother, but never had a chance to talk. I never met his family, not even in online communication, since we are currently based far from each other’s country for work. We are not living together too.
    If you experience such hardships, specially when you lived in Pakistan, why you still choose to be in that marriage? When you moved in USA, is your husband not cruel to you? Based on your experience, can you say that there is love in there? What makes you stay? Are you still together?
    Thank you so much for the advice. I will think of it. Godbless you.

  • Gail

    June 7, 2017

    Mari2,

    Hey thanks about my son he is doing very well.He started his online Private Pilot class yesterday online.It’s all he talks about.Other kids want cars my kid wants a plane.lol
    How r u and your hubby doing? Did u find out if your cowife is pregnant?I know u don’t ask him about her etc.. I was just curious whats going on between them.
    I have been so busy working my two businesses.I want to get out of the icecream truck business and go full time into Real Estate.I am so over the ice cream thang…lol

  • Gail

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,
    Something I didn’t make clear with u bit need to is that I didn’t marry my husband thinking I was going to be a second wife.My husband used me for a greencard.He divorced his first wife before he married me but that was only because he knew Polygamy was not allowed but kept his first wife hidden from me.He thought that when he got a greencard he would tell me the truth and I would divorce him and he would bring her and their kids to USA.Well guess what I got pregnant and I got suspicious of him the 3rd yr into our marriage so I decided to adopt his son from his first marriage whom I was raising just in case he was going to try to divorce me down the line.The bottom line is that I was a fast learner and I wanted all the children raised together so by adopting his son I secured all the children being raised together.We have 4 children.
    As far as my husband kicking his first wife off he would never had done that had she played by his rules.
    Pakistani women HATE Polygamy as a general rule.They claim they are Muslims but they are not.

  • Gail

    June 7, 2017

    Little Secret,

    I don’t normally ask people if their BF or spouses are from Pakistan but in your case I am going to ask is your BF from Pakistan? Straight up my husband was also married to a 1st cousin.Look girl straight up get it through your head that your BF knew his entire life he would have an arranged marriage and he knew it would more than likely be a Cousin.
    U don’t know the Pakistani culture and if u did it would disgust you to know your BF is playing/toying with you.Your BF sounds like a real Jerk to be frank because he is not minding one bit to destroy your life.
    Little secret I am telling u the truth the family is never going to accept u and now knowing this is a cousin marriage u are putting your life on the line.My own excowife slipped something in my coke that dropped my Blood pressure very low and I became very ill to the point I could have died.This happened a couple of times.When I was living in Pakistan the first year and half I stayed ill to the point I lost over 100 pounds.Look these people are all inner related.
    Look it just doesn’t matter that he would rather marry u than the cousin because he knows 100% his family is not going to approve and even his own brother told him as much and your BF made it clear to u by letting u know the family will not approve.
    I know u feel like the time with BF was wasted but better u wasted your time than go down the road with him in your case.Girl this is one game u are not going to win.U will end up mentally broken and when u do finally wake up u will be screwed because u will have kids and financial responsibilities.
    I want to be clear with u in my case my husband ended up divorcing his first wife but DON’T think for a second I was the winner because it don’t work that way.My husband’s first wife and her family tried to force my husbands hand to divorce me for years and even went as far as marrying my husbands sister with his 1st wives brother and then verbally abusing her and forcing her to tell my husband to divorce me etc.. they were cruel to her because of me understand.Again u have no idea about the culture and how nasty these people are.
    Something else u need to understand there is not a such thing as love marriage in that culture only arranged marriage.If love comes it will come after the marriage not before.
    Also one thing u need to know as well if your BF is Pakistani is they LIE about everything and anything to keep u in the dark and their family backs them up 100%.
    Another thing u need to know is that these men think they are above women meaning they they could careless what u think.As long as u are going along with their program they are fine with you but the moment u stand up and assert some authority of your own then u are a B..CH and they try to mentally manipulate u into doing what they want and if that don’t work then they ignore u until u give in or they manipulate u into getting what they want.
    Let me know if your husband is Pakistani because with him marrying a cousin it seems he is from Pakistan or a Muslim India man.Again the main thing I want to stress to u is don’t believe a word he says and if u are serious about his family/parents knowing about u then u must go with him and he must speak in english and u must be able to understand that he is telling them he is going to take u as a first wife which is never going to happen but u can try just to make u satisfied.Which is a big joke if u ask me because unless u know their language he will tell them one thing and u another while sitting right their sandwiched between u both.I am curious has he ever let u meet his parents?Do they know about u?

  • LittleSecret

    June 7, 2017

    Mari2,
    Thank you for the welcome sister. Your experience seems to be like what I will have. My BF will be married to a cousin too but he is planning our marriage before them, which makes me a first wife but a secret wife as well. Which I think no bearing to be a first wife since the other one will most likely to be the official wife which I am very sad about. If you don’t mind, did you know before your marriage that he will be arranged to a relative? Just his brother knew my existence. And I want marriage that is registered in court or legal and valid Islamically at the same time, cause I am worried about the legitimacy of the future children. Is it posible that he will be registered as a married man with two woman legally? Cause from which I came from, once a man is married and it is brought and registered to court he will have a certificate of marriage therefore if he wish to marry again he has to provide a certificate of NO marriage because it is not allowed by law the polygamy, and he can’t remarry. In our case, and currently living in a country where polygamy is allowed, if we register our marriage to court and he marry his cousin, he have to get a certificate of previous marriage too, which I think is a requirement in marriage.
    How is the arrangement of time for your husband? Do you have children, how they cope with the situation? And sister, why do you still want your marriage even the situation is like that? I hope you don’t mind my questions. Cause I found out someone who is similar to my situation and I really want to know your experience.

    Thank you and may God’s blessing bestow upon us.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2017

    Miss s,

    I’m sure it would help you if you try not to think about your husband having run off with another woman whom is his wife and left you with the five children. It is Satan who whispers those thoughts to you. If you keep entertaining those thoughts about your husband and his other wife, it will continue to eat away at you and destroy you.

    If you are dealing with thoughts such as it, which are getting you down, it’s because you’re not focused on Allah. When we don’t remember Allah, He gives us an evil companion. That companion is Satan.

    Stop focusing on your husband and begin to care for your children with the thought in mind that you are doing the best you can for and with them so that you could earn the good pleasure of Allah. We have joy doing the things that we do, if we do them while remembering Allah and wanting to please Him. Your husband can’t do anything for you. Allah can. Your husband is just the vehicle to deliver some of the good to you.

    You’ve got to change your attitude so that you could rise above the depressed state that you are in and get to a better place. Your husband is doing what Allah has decided for him. If your husband is doing wrong and jacked up things, he will account for it. Allah is allowing it for a reason. Remember, He created some of us for the Hellfire and some of us for Jannah/Paradise.

  • anabellah

    June 6, 2017

    Miss s,

    It is so nice you are here. Welcome! :-)

    I really feel for you. I must ask you though, how long were you “locked up” in the apartment with your kids before your husband took on another wife? I ask because I’m wondering if you were okay living there all this time until he took off with someone else.

    I’ve found that many wives are quite content with their lives (although most people in general always want more). Yet, when a husband takes on another wife, suddenly the wife who married first finds that her living conditions etc are no longer acceptable. She wants more.

    I can only imagine that it’s a hurting thing to rear children and then have your husband/the father of the children leave to be with another woman. The husband may have many reasons that he comes up with for needing to do it. All men have their reasons. Are they valid one? I dunno. (shrug).

    You asked if he ran away from his responsibility. You’d know better than we would. Does he still pay the bills, bring food home, spend time with you and the children etc; although it’s not as much time? Another commentator (ummof4) once made a valid point related to the matter. She said most men aren’t that involved with the rearing of the children anyhow. Women have always been more involved in child care.

    Men are allowed more than one wife. No where does it say that he’s only allowed more if he has no kids by the other. There are going to be wives left with the children as families usually consist of children. Of course, it would be beneficial if the husband had all his wives and children living close to one another. He could better look after them all then.

  • Mari2

    June 6, 2017

    @Gail
    It’s so wonderful that your son is doing so well. You should be proud!

    LittleSecret,
    Welcome to the blog. Just a quick run down of my story. I am married to a Pakistani man. We have a valid, Islamic marriage. That means I married him in accordance with Islam but have no marriage license here in the US. I was fine with that for my own reasons. He was arranged in marriage to his cousin back home per his culture. He married her. And now 2 years later she’s his legal wife in the US. I suppose you could say I was his semi secret wife as some, like my MIL were aware, but others such as wife 2 were unaware until after that marriage was done. This has of course been difficult for him as he has family pressure to get rid of me, wife 2 is most unhappy with the whole shebang etc. But as I reside apart from his family which is my right,I am only peripherally affected by it all.

    So if you choose to marry a man who is expected to marry via an arranged marriage, do not expect a hearty welcome from his family when they discover eventually that you exist. There is no such thing as secret wives in Islam. There are however men who have secret wives because they are too afraid to tell the truth to their families.

  • LittleSecret

    June 6, 2017

    Gail and Ana,
    As Salaamu Alaikum
    Thank you so much for the advices and for answering my questions. It really helps me since I am still in stage if I will accept the proposal or no. It’s really hard specially when a part of me wants to have future with him, that’s why I am considering and doing research, asking advices, at the same time scared to hurt people and worst, the consequence this secret marriage may bring to my future children and his other children, to the other girl as well. I will encourage him to ask his parents approval for this. I don’t want to be a “Halal Mistress”. I really can’t accept until now that he is already engaged. Does he really have no choice that he should accept that? I don’t know. He once asked his brother, before he got engaged, that he wanted to marry a foreigner (me) and his brother told him that their parents will not allow that. But I need to understand cause maybe I am not just brought up with that culture. I didn’t expect that I will come to this point of my life where I am considering a second wife or a secret wife cause for me I don’t want to share a husband either, I want to be the only wife. That’s what every woman wants. I read one comment in one thread here that polygamy is the hardest thing to do, well I am not yet at that situation but I am finding it true specially that I didn’t came to country which polygamy is practiced and also I know that if I will accept his proposal, after our marriage he will marry again to the other one. That in one way or another, my life will be in polygamy.
    Thank you sisters for all the advice. Inshallah I will convince him ask his parent’s permission.
    I’ll pray you good health and more blessings to your family sisters. Thank you.

  • Miss s

    June 6, 2017

    I think my husband runs away from responsibility and ALLAH knoes best. What a pric*

  • Miss s

    June 6, 2017

    Sometimes thats so much bulls*** How about a man who fathers 5 children and effs off with someone else and leaves you by yourself with the kids locked up in an apartment??!!! How about that??
    He wants love and companionship however hes failed to give any to his wife and he expects her to come to him after cooking cleaning nappy changing and dealing with 5 boys all by herself ranging from an 11yr old to a 11month old….
    SUBHANAALLAH where is the justice???

  • Gail

    June 6, 2017

    Ana,
    Yes I will keep u posted on his progress.I also love the name Adam.It’s funny u should mention his name because today when my inlaws and I were watching Adam fly I mentioned to my father inlaw about when Addy was a baby and he would from the time of 2 yrs old and even really before that even he would explain and tell people what to do esp… his grandfather and my father inlaw would always say he is not baby he is my father. My father inlaw died laughing and said today yeas it is still true is he my dad not grandson.LOL Everyone has their cuteness about them or something that makes them unique and stands out and Addy being so intelligent and so matter of fact to get his point across is what makes him so cute and unique.I think I mentioned to u as well he would also be studying Law.He wants to own his own Airline someday(at least this is his Goal). I figured to have any chance to succeed he will need a law degree to show he has strength to hopefully keep all the wolves away.
    OK I am done doting over Addy for today.lol

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    WOW, Gail,

    That is wonderful! I know you are so proud of him. I could only imagine what an amazing experience for him it was. God is Great! Keep us posted with his progress…

    By the way, I love the name “Adam”. It’s unique. Not many people are name after our father “Adam”. It’s way special ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    Heartbroken, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t think you need to rush out and get yourself a part-time job. If your husband is taking care of you financially then I don’t see a need for you to go out and work, unless it’s just something that you want to do.

    You really need to learn the laws where you live. I suggest you go sit down with an attorney and find out what you are entitled to, if you and your husband divorce.

    For example, if you are in the United States and you and your husband divorce while you’re not working or you haven’t worked much if at all during the marriage, your husband would have to pay you alimony. He’d need to continue to support you although you are divorced. If you go out and work, then it would lessen your chance of getting alimony.

    I see what ummof4 has said often here that a wife needs to let her husband take care of her and she not mix her monies up with his. When and if a husband takes on another wife, it could present a problem if he begins to take care of his additional wife with the first wife’s monies. One never knows when and if a husband will take on another wife.

  • Gail

    June 5, 2017

    Ana,
    Well Mr Adam actually flew his first plane today all by himself.He had a little help taking off and landing but he flew all by himself up in the air.He is so happy and excited.He will be hitting the books/laptop (the classes are online) through the Academy come tomorrow morning.
    I bought him a cake today and my MIL is fixing Beef Tika and corn on the cob to celebrate his happy day.
    I giggled earlier today while driving the ice cream truck and said Hey Addy(I call him Addy) u flew a plane before u drove a car!!! he said yeah mom not to many people can say that! We just giggled together.If the kid lives to be 100 he will never forget today! I am really proud of that kid!

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    Based on all that I’ve learned from Gail and some of our other commentators here about the arranged marriages that those men engage in, as Gail said, those families don’t accept children from “Secret Marriage”. Furthermore, they don’t accept other men’s children (for instance, if they marry a woman who has children from a previous relationship/marriage). The whole, not accepting those children is a cultural thing. It is not Islam.

    Islamically speaking, no child is “illegitimate”, is a “bastard” or anything of the sort. The child had or has a mother and a father. It’s the only way the child could have been conceived. It’s a serious sin to mistreat or to treat children harshly. Children are NOT responsible for their parent’s behavior or anyone else.

    Based on what you’ve written, if I understand correctly, you are confused about the difference between a “legal” marriage and a “valid” one. A legal marriage has to do with man made laws – the laws of the land.

    For a marriage to be valid, it must be done the way Allah prescribes it in the Holy Quran. Allah tells us who to marry and who not to marry. The man has to give a woman a dowry and there must be witnesses to the marriage. Valid is what matters. Legal doesn’t matter in terms of a marriage being valid in the eyes of God.

    To help you understand better, I’ve attached a link to an article from this blog Laws of the Land and Polygamy

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    In answer to your question, how is the announcement of marriage done? – there is no set way for it. It’s anyway that the married couple let others know that they are married. Back in earlier times such as when the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was on the earth, the parties to the marriage and families had feasts to celebrate the marriages. In modern times the couple put the wedding announcement in newspapers, as well, as celebrated with feasts/receptions/parties or whatever you want to call it. A celebration lets others know. Today, one could announce it on social media. It doesn’t matter how it’s done, just as long as a couple announce that they are married. It is no different from how any other religion or non-religion announce a marriage.

    If a marriage is kept a secret then apparently there is no announcement, which is contrary to how marriage is done. All of your concerns are valid about wanting to appear legitimate and have your children respected and legitimized. It’s part of the purpose of the announcement.

    You asked if his parents don’t know about your marriage, does it make it not legal. I think maybe you mean valid. Just because his parents or anyone in particular doesn’t know about your marriage wouldn’t make it invalid. It’s just that usually those are the people whom one lets know that they are married. The couple inform family and close friends in particular.

    If you marry him, your marriage should be no different from the other wife. Marrying second doesn’t mean that you are less or get less or don’t count etc. What makes you want to settle for being kept hidden while she’s given the royal treatment, recognized as his wife, accepted by all and is reaping all the bounties and blessings etc?. It makes no sense to me.

    As I said before, if he can’t handle having two wives and treating them all with respect and dignity, then he shouldn’t have more than one. What he wants to do with you is NOT ISLAM.

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    LittleSecret,

    Gail wrapped it up for you nice and sweet. There is no need for me to say anymore. Her assessments is spot on. He’s trying to play you. Be smart.

  • Gail

    June 5, 2017

    Little Secret,

    My marriage is both interfaith and I am a white american woman and my husband is a Pakistani muslim.
    Listen everything u just told in your last post screams DON’T marry this guy.First of all we can all tell u straight up this BF of yours knew well his parents would marry him off because it’s a cultural thing and if he told u he didn’t know he is lying straight up.
    If u do go ahead with the marriage then know that your inlaws and cowife will never accept u and eventually chances are he will become the whipping boy for everything wrong/stressful in his life and if they ever come to know he is married to u they will pressure him to divorce you.There will never be a good outcome for u in this mess I am sorry to say.As far as your children they would be treated like Bastards to be frank because his family will not accept u and I would imagine he will forever keep u his dirty little secret not to mention if u have kids they will also be his dirty little secret as well.I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is the reality.This man don’t love u because they don’t go for love because if he really did love u he would have stood up to his parents and demanded to marry u instead of this other woman.The hard truth is he knew his parents would marry him and he has been stringing u along all this time.
    If u insist on marrying him then tell him straight to take u to his parents home and declare his intentions to marry you as a second wife straight up and u will see how fast he will make an excuse or outright refuse your request.Again u have a right to be a wife in every way and not some mans play toy.

  • LittleSecret

    June 5, 2017

    Gail,
    Thank you for your advice, it really helps me in weighing things for consideration. I want to clarify that I am not yet married, we are not yet married. Before I engaged to such union I wanted to know and hear from wives who experienced polygamy. I was offered marriage after his sudden engagement to other girl. We had a relationship but his family suddenly engaged him to other girl just recently. But odd set up will lie ahead since he is planning our marriage to be out of knowledge of his parents. I wanted to know its validity or legality since I don’t want my future children to be illegitimate. After some research about marriages in Islam, I got to know that marriage should be announced for it to be legal. But also some says that it is legal even beyond the knowledge of the family. I made it clear to him that I don’t want our future children to be illegitimate and I want it announced. How is the announcement of marriage done? I don’t have any idea how the announcement procedure is done. If we announce it, will it still be considered as secret marriage, even he will not inform his parents first? Will that change my status from single to married?
    Moreover, about the blog I read with a polygamous family based in US, how is it possible that they are Islamically married but not legally? Meaning to say they didn’t register the marriage on court? Cause it’s law of the land that polygamy is not allowed there. I’m confused if their children are legitimate or not. Sorry for too much questions.
    By the way, are you inter-faith, inter-culture marriage??
    Thank you and Godbless you.

    Tasliyman and Ana,

    Thank you for your words. I appreciate all advices of the sisters here.

  • Gail

    June 5, 2017

    Little Secret,
    Welcome to the blog! I was reading your post this morning and I am confused if u are thinking to become a second wife or are a second wife or u are a secret wife? U can be a second wife(although not legally in some countries like USA).Being second wife verses a secret wife are two totally different things.
    U should NEVER set yourself up to be a secret wife unless u are into feeling like his dirty little secret and if u allow yourself to be a secret wife don’t ever expect your cowife and her children to accept u or any of your children as an equal.To me personally a secret wife means a side piece/sex because there is nothing acceptable about not being able to identify a man as your husband anywhere u go.So don’t let any man get his rocks off for free on you is my sincere advice!
    Now a second wife is a totally different story the couple let everyone know they are married and everything is on the up and up.People around u may not agree with Polygamy but thats their problem not yours because u have made your intentions clear u are a second wife not a secret wife.
    Now in saying all this if u live in a Country like USA and u have children I wouldn’t go blasting that u are a Polygamist all over the place simply because u don’t want DHS breathing down your neck so use your common sense is what I am saying in this type of situation.
    As far as a ring and marriage if u want a ring get a ring and wear it but again understand with a marriage ring comes questions.My advice is don’t be fooled into ever being a secret wife I don’t see any good coming from such a union.

  • anabellah

    June 5, 2017

    LittleSecret, Wa Alaikum As Salaam and Ramadan Kareem to you, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

    It doesn’t matter that you are not Muslim, we’d love to have you here. Non-muslims are welcome. Our sister Gail, is not Muslim, either, but is married to a Pakistani . She’s been here with us for years. I haven’t read your entire post. Will have to read it and get back to you probably later this evening. I’ll be out and about, but will check in to approve comments. Inshallah, I will chat with you soon.

  • LittleSecret

    June 5, 2017

    Anabellah and to all,

    As Salaamu Alaikum. Thank you for the welcome and thank you for your words. I really have little knowledge regarding polygamy and Islam. I hope it is ok with you guys that I am joining this forum even I am not Muslim but I like Islam and respect it and starting to learn it. I found also a thread here (which I forgot the month) regarding husbands taking secret wives. I want to learn and know the life that I might face if I involve myself in polygamy so this forum is really helpful and thank you for the sisters here. I read a blog before, the family is based in US and polygamy is not allowed there, but the brother managed to marry another wife, they did it in secret first until they told the first wife. The first wife explain that they married Islamically but not legally (for my understanding is not civil or brought in the court) and also what the brother did to marry the second wife. I want to know if how is that marriage can be valid Islamically but not legally??

    Heartbroken,
    You are a wonderful woman and a patient wife. How can you take all those pain? Cause for us women, we yearn for affection, for love. But based on your situation, your husband didnt give you that. I am not in place to speak and give advice here since I am just new but I want you to know that just merely reading your burdens makes my heart aches too as a woman. And I will pray for you sister. It is proper thing to do to be nice with the cowife and understand the situation but have something left for yourself. You have the right as much as her. And take Gail’s advice for you to be financially ready for whatever that situation may bring you, for yourself and for your children. If you don’t mind, how is the children coping with your situation?? Thank you and may Allah bless you and ease your pain.

    Ramadan Kareem to all.

  • Tasliyman

    June 5, 2017

    LittleSecret

    There’s a very big difference in being a second wife and secret wife.

    If you are considering being a secret wife I would strongly advise you to read some of the older posts on this blog where this is discussed. As Ana said, there’s no such thing as a “secret wife” in islam. Marriage should be done in the open and not in secret.

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    Salam All

    Ana and Rosa thank you for the constant reminder again and again. I need to hear it again to get myself in the right path.

    Rosa my husband had always shared the finances with me. Right upto 4 months ago when he suddenly just stopped when she took over the money keeping.

    That still doesn’t worry me too much but rather irritates me as when I need cash i have to ask him and then he gets it from her.

    But I can live with that.

    Also, I never drove before because I had a fear of driving and he has no problem taking me and the kids around whenever needed. he used to like it too.

    But now that I am left to my own defence with him making it clear that he has no time or inclination to help and having to take public transport which is inconvenient esp with the monsoon season already on us where I live, I decided its time to get over the fear of driving and start getting independent.

    If he could and would take us around like before I would absolutely love it, but that’s not happening so…. Need to think ahead no?

    I don’t think there is any competition of any sort here.

    Ana, I have never asked him to buy me a house. He himself always used to say he wants to buy a house in my name. For years. In fact I told him it’s not necessary and to buy it in the kids names if need be.
    I have never pushed or asked him for it earlier and I still haven’t to date nor will I in the future. I am not desperate for a house.

    I just mentioned it to Gail that it probably won’t happen anytime now that co is in the picture. And I expect it not to be brought up ever again.

    In fact when I asked him for the car only ONCE and when he said NO I thought to ask if my dad could help me buy One and I could pay him back later whenever possible.

    Yes, it rankled me that he would buy such an expensive bike on her request after denying me a small car which I needed to ferry the kids and myself around BUT that was just petty of me and I didn’t bother saying anything about the bike to him. I just let it be.

    It’s not that I am desperate ONLY for my husband to buy me a car now that she is there..

    I am not pulling at for him for material things either cause if I did I would have gone about this in a completely direction.

    The business we have today started with half the money put in by me.

    It’s all in his name and I am absolutely fine with it. I always thought of it as ours.
    What hurts today is when he makes it sound like it’s theirs and I am left out of it..

    He tells me to stay away now and not to come in anymore even though I used drop in from time to time even after kids. So yes that hurts a lot!

    I have been very dumb not saving money independently myself all these years. All my savings and inheritance is gone, all in investments and in the the business.
    Everything is his name which is OK with me as he does all the hard work anyway Masha allah.

    I agree with the idea of stepping back and letting him and her do whatever it is they wanna do as I am too tired to deal with it anymore.

    But I also have to take Gail’s advice and make sure that I will be able to take care of myself financially if and when things get worse than it is now…which looks like it will
    Need to start getting Independent and do something for my kids and my future. Let’s see Allahu Akbar.

    But Insha Allah I will be stronger in future.

  • Gail

    June 4, 2017

    Heartbroken and everyone,
    I forgot to mention that I have this sick feeling that Heartbroken’s name may not be on anything sense she mentioned the house was not in her name.Heartbroken I am thinking about u and feeling terrible about what is happening all around u.

  • Gail

    June 4, 2017

    Heartbroken and everyone,
    I have been thinking about Heartbroken husband and her business and I don’t know but I got this feeling after thinking on her post that this maybe more serious on the financial side of things or has a huge potential for disaster.
    The cowife has taken over the financial part of the business and to top it off Heartbroken husband is in serious debt with the cowife putting a slow noose around his neck to get her a home after purchasing her a Harley bike.On her husbands side this relationship sounds more like a bad midlife crises affair than Polygamy and on the cowife side she could financially ruin heartbroken and her husbands business and lead them right into Bankrupt if u ask me.I honestly think Heartbroken would be insane to sit back and just pray at this point while everything is on fire around her.I guess I mean to say G.D did give us a brain to use right? I don’t think Heartbroken’s cowife give a crap about her or her kids to be frank and if she runs the business in the ground she also then what?
    Normally I would say do nothing and wait it out be patient but with her cowife calling the shots and having control on the family business I don’t think heartbroken can afford to just turn a blind eye sense she has children to feed and shelter.I think her husband has lost his mind to be frank and has become worthless to Heartbroken and their children at this point.I also think if she sits and does nothing he will take those kids from her and buy the cowife a home and leave heartbroken broken.I believe prayer is powerful and everyone should pray to Allah/G.D for help but I also believe that Allah/G.D gives us Wisdom to know when to stand up against wrong doing.
    I hope I don’t sound wrong in saying this but I would Pray for Allah/G.D to give me strength so I could punch my cowife out and if my husband defended her enough strength to knock him straight to Allah/G.D himself and the Power to go sit there at the business and learn everything.
    Heartbroken made the mistake to let her cowife stay working at her business.She MUST get that cowife out of her business and secure her finances in my opinion.
    My excowife tried to pull that crap with me and I told her NO but HELL NO she was not getting her hands on my business and she was not allowed access to my money.I did tell her that I would give her an allowance which she declined but the point is I refused to let her anywhere near my business.
    Heartbroken’s cowife has wiggled her way in and is in the process to push Heartbroken out of her own life.In all honesty If Heartbroken name is anywhere on that Company legally I would make that women GET OUT! and never let her back.

  • Gail

    June 4, 2017

    Ana,
    Tomorrow is this big day for Mr Adam! I bought him a cake with a plane on it and we are going to BBQ Tika on the grill to celebrate his first day of Flight School.I took him tonight to purchase some new clothes and got his haircut yesterday so he is officially ready for the biggest day of his life tomorrow.I am happy him starting flight school made u happy.
    I don’t even know how many yrs now u and I have known each other but it has been a very long time and I agree with u cyber friends are the best!

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    We all bring so much to the table, which is awesome. What a wonderful little kutbah you gave. It’s a beautiful Ramadan reminder. You caught my attention with it and got me thinking. You are right – we don’t know if it’s our last Ramadan. I was trying to catch a nap before break fast, but your post made me get up…

  • Rosa

    June 4, 2017

    Sis ana I love your style of writing

    ….heartbroken, furthermore pray to Allah, make sure you stay consistent with your prayers, stay in remembrance of Allah. Your entire life should evolve around Allah alone. Make everything about Him. Only then will you find relief

    From reading this blog it baffles me how many do not read the Quran to understand our way of life and gain solace until they’re in a bunch, until Allah brings them to their knees. May Allah rectify our affairs and forgive us. Everyone take full advantage of this Ramadan. The first ten days are quickly coming to an end. We may not urge opportunity to make it to another Ramadan so live as if it’s your last one. Make the most of it. May Allah make this Ramadan a turning point in our lives and may we grow nearer to Him during this month and after Ameen

  • Rosa

    June 4, 2017

    Heartbroken I’ve got to agree with ana you have to suppress this obsession you have with your husband and his other wife and take that energy and focus on Allah. Just test it out im telling you you won’t regret it. Do what ana said give the salaam be cordial and go about your business. Let me ask you, has your husband always kept the finances from you and dealt with that himself and now that your coins handling it your feathers are ruffled? You seemed fine not wanting to drive now since his second marriage you up and decide right now couldn’t be better to learn? Your husband is probably seeing right through the constant tit for tat she has now I want too and it’s clearly driving a wedge between you two. You are giving way too much importance to your desires. Yall all are. You need to take yourself out of the equation not literally but step back and let your co do what she does and Allah will show everyone what she’s really about sooner than later. Step back, focus on Allah do what we advised you about how to go about with your husband and I really believe things will start looking uphill for u. Nothing will change for you until you chcange what is in your heart. Allah is our beginning and our end. Maybe Allah is taking everything and everyone away from you so it’s only you and Him but you still obsess over your husband and his other. You have to stop or you will live in misery

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2017

    LittleSecret, Welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚

    It’s nice that you are here and, Insha Allah, you’ll stay around and chat with us. I like what you said to Heartbroken. It was very nice. Thanks for imputing.

    Now, about you. Do you know that there is no such thing as a “Secret Wife” concept in Islam? Allah allows man to have more than one wife. Therefore, there is no need for any wives to be a secret. If your husband can’t man up and live polygamy out in the open with his current wife and children and his and her families, he shouldn’t be involved with you. What you’re involved in puts you at a status of a “mistress”, but with the label of marriage stamped on it in your and his minds.

    About a wedding ring, what do you care about him wearing a ring to symbolize your marriage when you’re a “Secret”? Either you’re a secret or you’re not. If you’re a secret then you don’t get a ring.

    Furthermore, wearing a ring is not a part of Islam. Men don’t need to wear a ring, symbolizing that he is married. It makes sense that they don’t need to wear a wedding ring, if men are allowed more than one wife.

    If he has a ring on, which symbolizes that he is married, it’s all he needs – just one ring to let the world know that he is a married man. He has one on, so why does he need another one? The ring doesn’t have his other wife’s name stamped on it. Besides, if he puts another ring on his finger for you, making it two, then wouldn’t it cause people to question him about it? Then he’d need to reveal that he is married to another, then you would be no more a secret.

    What’s your reason for agreeing to something as demeaning as that, anyhow?

  • LittleSecret

    June 4, 2017

    I’m just new to this blog and wanted to know more about polygamy. I am not very familiar to it since it’s not part of the culture where I came from. I hope you sister could help me to understand what I might face in the future. One question is, if you are a second wife / secret wife, how is your marriage ring for your husband? How can he wear that?? Will he wear your marriage ring same as for the other wife too? Cause for me it’s symbol of your promise to each other, even you are a second wife/ secret wife.

    Heartbroken, I don’t know the whole story but I feel your pain sister. You are a strong woman who still wants to hold on even you are treated unfairly. You deserve to be loved. I am not in the position to comment as I said I don’t know the whole story, but based on what I read, isn’t it your husband is really trying to push you away?? But I believe that you must hold on your marriage until you can. May Allah bless you sister, He knew your pain and heart aches. He is your refuge. Find strength in Him.

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2017

    Heartbroken, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I haven’t commented recently on your posts because I don’t want to sound like a broken record. I realize that you are just venting, which is perfectly okay. It’s what we’re here for. To listen and to help if we can.

    I still stand by my advice that you need to not focus on your husband and his other wife, but focus on Allah. It’s possible that Allah is turning your husband away from you because you are turning your back to Allah while chasing after your husband.

    Your husband treats you like dirt and you still follow behind him, asking him questions, wanting things from him. Yet, he uses it as an opportunity to spit in your face so to speak. You pulling at him and wanting more from him turns him off.

    You’re correct; his other wife is being manipulative. She doesn’t want you in the picture. She’s playing victim and he’s falling for it.

    She wants her own house although she was fine in the house that she’s in when she agreed to marry him. You want a house and a car. It’s all about who can get what and how much from him. You are all tugging at him for material things. You were okay not driving before, but now you want a car.

    All three of you are making it about what you each want, hankering after this material world. Then you expect life to be beautiful for you. Well, it won’t. It will continue to be the hell hole that it is right now. Make the change in you or your life won’t get better.

    I can’t say it enough that you can’t make your husband be what you want him to be and love you the way that you want him to.

    It’s ludicrous to think that things will get better if you keep doing what you’ve been doing. If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve got.

    I suggest you be cordial to your husband, give him the salaams, say goodnight etc. If he doesn’t give the greeting back, it’s his loss, not yours. Just keep it moving (go on about your business). Keep preparing meals, look after your children and the home and other than that, don’t pay your husband any attention. Don’t tell him that you love him, because it will only repulse him. He has let you know how he feels about you right not and it’s not pretty.

    Turn away from him, and let him come chase after you. The key to life lies in the opposite. I could only show you the door (with advice). You have to walk through it on your own.

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2017

    Gail,

    First, let me tell you that it freaks me out that your youngest son is now 12 years old. It’s as though I know him and have watched him grow vicariously, as you and I have been together here on the blog for so many years. (I’m sitting here grinning and smiling about it). It’s so nice that we have this blog to communicate with one another. Having cyberspace friends is one of the coolest things ever.

    Another cool thing is your son having enrolled in a FAA Aviation Training School. That is huge along with him wanting to get a law degree. You said his life goals are amazing to you; they are amazing to me as well. God Willing, it will all come to fruition for him. I’m so happy for you and your family. Keep me posted on his progress. I’m very interested. If he becomes a pilot, I’d like to meet him one day, Insha Allah. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • anabellah

    June 4, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, ๐Ÿ™‚

    I know how excited you must be about your upcoming vacation. I’m excited for you, girlfriend.

    I’m always impressed to hear how long you and your hubz have been married. Alhumdulliah. It’s awe inspiring.

    I pray you have a wonderful time on your vacay. I’m always looking forward and thinking about another one LOL

    “There is nothing more important to me than my vacation” The below TV advertisement sums it all up LMAO

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    Gail,
    You are totally right. I need to start putting my affairs in order.

    Also,
    All these years he has been wanting to buy me a car and I refused as I was too scared to drive but I was toying with the idea of learning how to drive the last couple of months (but hadn’t decided yet when to start)

    Now when I asked him some months back if he can buy a car for me.. He says NO.. mind you this was even before we took the loan..

    Says he can’t afford to.. But he could afford to buy the latest top end, most expensive series of the Harley Davidson bike which was almost 3 times the cost of a small car for me just 3 weeks after we spoke about the car!!

    The bike was HER dream bike by the way.. I found out that she persuaded him to buy the bike so she could go on a long trips with him..she has always wanted a HARLEY bike..this slipped out from him..

    She needs a break from all the stress she was going through.. So her dream bike it is!

    He had never even wanted to buy a HARLEY in all the years I was married to him and he was not much interested in bikes anyway.. cars and sports were his passion..

    All this nonsense I ignored. He keeps the finances away from me. He gets angry if I ask him anything to do with the business. Acts like it’s her and his business and I have no say or right to question what is happening..

    Still I kept quiet like an Idiot.

    He had promised to buy a house in my name earlier.. But I can safely say now that it won’t happen anytime soon now!

    I will bide my time now. Will also try to look for some part time job as I can’t do full time as I have no support with the kids. My in laws are too old to look after two naughty kids too.

    Let’s see how it goes till Ramadan. If he doesn’t improve I think I need to start looking ahead without him..

    He is free to stay in my life if he wants.. He is free to go if he wants..

    I have not thought on this line before but this emotional torture is just hurting my soul.. It’s making me more weak and I was not like this before..

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    Salam All

    Dear Patience, thank you for your kind words of support!! Thank you!!

    You are right that in most cases the love for the first wife doesn’t suddenly disappear when the second wife come along.

    And it didnt. When he told me I was totally shocked and hurt as expected. But I tried to handle the situation slowly and move ahead… and he was right by my side!
    In fact we got even closer and more in love than before when he saw me making an effort.

    At that point she started panicking and sent him msgs like Don’t forget me.. I am still here. Just because you feel she loves you so much don’t forget that I am still here and love you. I read just one msg like that but who knows what all she wrote and said to him at that stage.

    I ignored it as I had my own stuff to deal with.. But after 3 months of me finding out ..he slowly started changing.. barely noticable at first then outright rude and hostile to me.

    Then started the complaints that i am disrespecting her and ruining her name with my in laws etc. Making her feel like an outsider.

    Then about not accepting her as his wife as I wanted to keep away from her esp when she started wanting to hang out with my kids WITHOUT me around.

    And she kept telling him that she will sacrifice herself to keep him happy and that if he feels she is hurting our marriage or if he is unhappy with her she will walk away or if i am unhappy with her she will walk away.

    She said she will become a hippie and live in the mountains somewhere…. alone for the rest of her life as she will never be happy without him and Will never marry again as he is her soul mate to which he used to tell her that she needn’t leave and that if I can’t accept her then I can leave!

    Huh? Did he forget all my efforts to accept polygamy and just start believing her nonsense??
    She kept telling him I want her gone .. That he was too blind to see the truth.. I was only acting in front of him trying to accept polygamy and that I was actually not happy with this situation and was forcing myself..
    Yes he used to parrot her words to me when we talked or fought earlier.

    All these dialogues which for some reason he falls for and then he started believing that I had some agenda against her and that I told my in laws to go disrespect her… I already told my husband to clarify with my in laws if I did any such thing but he was too blind anyway to believe any of us.

    I don’t know what she did to wield so much power over him that he would totally go against me like this suddenly.

    He even went to the extent of telling her that he will not talk to his parents ever again if they disrespect her in anyway!!

    Wow.. That was unbelievable to me especially becasue he is so close to his parents.

    And then she says her reputation is ruined. They had an affair before they married and she would hang out with him at our office (which he and I started from scratch 10 years ago)

    So all out staff and clients and neighbours (who knew he was married) saw something was up with them and gossiped about her so she kinda uses that to emotionally blame him too.

    She feels she is still regarded with dirty eyes even tho they are married today.

    Now all this only she feels as no gossip ever reached my ears even tho I would drop in time to time to the office..

    But anyway this is how she feels. So he in turn feels so extremely guilty for that too… and then the story follows..

    He keeps telling me her RESPECT is everything to him.. and he will it tolerate anyone disrespecting her.

    And that I have respect she so craves so I will never understand how she feels..

    And I am selfish not to understand her Pain..

    It’s all about her suffering..her stress.. her pain..

    But this power she has over him and the way She knows how to manipulate him is just mind blowing.

    She says her parents are emotionally torturing her but she is taking all this stress only for him and then she even claims she suffered a ( SELF DIAGNOSED ) HEART STROKE but refuses to get herself checked with the doctor as she would prefer to die if it was her time to go.. huh??!!

    What?? And what kind of stroke allows a person to exercise after a day of apparent chest pain and then go out to lunch and dinner as if nothing happened?

    Maybe I am too cynical to fall for it but my husband certainly does..

    She keeps feigning illnesses and chest pain and what not out of stress for her situation she is iN ALL BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM and will do anything to be with him…

    I am sorry if I sound petty complaining about all her nonsense and I haven’t even revealed half of the petty crap she pulls as I think its nothing to do with me as it’s all her tactics to get more of his attention so its his problem..

    but I am so done with her CRAP!!

    He used to tell me all this earlier so I could understand that she was going through a horrible time too and would try and befriend her when I wanted to stay away from her initially..

    But when she starts messing with MY marriage and lies about me to my husband I cannot Take it… ESPECIALLY when I have done nothing of the sort and am not the type of person to do so.

    The nice guy always loses huh?

    Here I was sitting like a fool patiently thinking it will all sort out..

    Killing myself taking his AND her crap thinking it’s just for the time being.. when she is sorted out all will be fine..

    He will be a proper husband to me again.. emotionally and physically.. loving me again…

    I let a lot of nonsense go by and took a lot of shit because I was just repeating to myself SABR SABR SABR ( patience)

    But it looks like it’s going from bad to worse..

    And I feel like a fool for acting like a sitting duck and letting my self respect and self esteem take a nose dive all so that i could try and hold my marriage together and I didn’t wanna lose him and still loved him..
    After all this he can stand and accuse me of anything she claims and not stand by me..

    Like you said Patience , if he stood by me with love and care and understanding I wouldn’t even bother what is going on on the other side..I wouldn’t be so heartbroken.. But he can’t even be nice to me forget Loving..

    Am so tired of this drama..

    Truly heartbroken today..

  • Gail

    June 4, 2017

    Heartbroken,
    I can totally relate to how u feel and what u are going through.Now u know whats going on loud and clear with your husband and cowife and it’s couldn’t be more clear that the real issue is that your cowife is pushing your husband to buy a Beautiful home for her and him and because your husband can’t provide that at this time she is acting like a nice little B.tch to him which is really funny if u stop and think about it for 2 seconds… See it’s not just u thats getting treated like a douche bag by your cowife but also your husband.He is just an idiot and don’t see it because she is hiding her resentment towards him with sweet words.
    Straight up girl she is going to financially destroy u guys.What do u think she will stop wanting stuff after he gets her the beautiful dream home? She will have to furnish that home with all new stuff etc..her wants are never going to decrease.She has manipulated your husband into believing she loves him but this is not love when your motive is sending Polygamy quotes on being fair and just.
    I will be honest I think u are in danger of loosing your husband to this octopus if u don’t somehow make him snap out of all this nonsense because she has zero intentions to work and get her own money and she wants out of her parents house because one they don’t accept him but the main reason is she wants to show her parent that she made the right choice to marry him because he bought her a beautiful home understand?
    Her parents understand the truth that he has a family already and that unless he divorces you she is only getting half his resources.My thinking she had to learn this greedy behavior from somewhere and home and parents is where all that crap starts.
    Heartbroken I am shocked u are letting your children go into that vipers nest knowing that she is against u.It’s only a matter of time before she starts poisoning your own children against you with small remarks.
    As far as the business she already has her tentacles all over that and I bet u anything if she can find a way to take a little money here and there without being found out she will and is doing it.
    As far as your inlaws are concerned she could careless about them if truth be told they are just a piece of the puzzle to use your husband like a puppet to get what she wants and if they dare go against her she will put a wall between your husband and his parents as well.
    Now in saying all this if u don’t have an outside income or a way to make money then this is going to be a huge problem for you.I don’t know your age or your educational background but I would suggest to you fix your finances ASAP because I honestly don’t ever see this type of woman as letting u stay in the picture unless she is controlling you and making your life miserable.
    I think u should start shaking things up and let her know two can play her silly little game.
    I would tell my husband straight to sell your home and purchase one large home for all of u to live in or a duplex.That really is the only logical way to fix this problem BUTTT I would tell him straight that your name is to go on the deed of the home.Bottom line u have got to make certain u get your name on a house so u yourself have something.Obviously your cowife or husband will most likely say NO but it will open the door in alot of ways to see if he wants to really try Polygamy or he is blowing smoke like your cowife.Either way u have got to get your own finances or get yourself down to his and your business and start working u can’t just sit and continue to do nothing unless u want to be treated like crap from hear on out.
    Leave your emotions to the side now regarding your husband and cowife and start educating yourself on how to get back hold on your finances.I can’t stress that enough.

  • patience

    June 4, 2017

    Dear Heartbroken
    I have just been reading your past few posts and I literally feel and understand your pain sister. I donโ€™t know your whole story, I have just started reading Juneโ€™s posts so donโ€™t know much only the recent comments. I want to say you are not repeating yourself, you are not rambling on, you are making total sense you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are in a situation that you have tried to accept and by the looks of it gone out of your way to accommodate and youโ€™re getting s*** in return. I think in this last comment you are starting to see clearly what is going on here, โ€œshe wants me out of it, she want to take my placeโ€. I think that is exactly what she is doing Heartbroken, she is manipulating your husband to the extent that he canโ€™t see the woods for the trees. He can only see what she wants him to see. He is not fulfilling your rights as it stands right now and it seems he is a coward and not being able to stand up to her. It really annoys me when 2nd wives come along and expect to be given everything the 1st wife has immediately. Donโ€™t they realise it took years for the 1st wife to build up a relationship with in laws, it took years to create a home, yet they want it now and will cry they have not been treated fairly if their requests are not met. Yes he has duty to her, but not at the expense of you my dear. It sounds like he is neglecting the emotional and physical side of your relationship which is wrong of him. But why is he doing that? In my experience love doesnโ€™t just disappear for the 1st when a 2nd wife comes along . It sounds like she is making him feel guilty for showing affection to you otherwise why isnโ€™t he showing you any, especially when you are showing kind words and affection to him? It wouldnโ€™t surprise me if she is threatening to leave him if he does, she is plain and simple jealous. Those that marry a married man donโ€™t realise the pangs of jealousy they will feel once they are in it. It all appears fine prior to the marriage, but afterwards most (not all) realise that actually they donโ€™t particularly like another wife in the background.
    If he was kind, loving and attentive to you then maybe you would feel less heartbroken. But as it stands now no one can blame you for your pain. Can you get some family members from your side of the family and his to try and mediate and resolve this problem? You can express your feelings and he can express his and the mediators can try and find a compromise or resolution. I pray and make dua Heartbroken that Allah makes this easy on you. You are such strong woman to have done what you have done already, you are loving, caring and so accommodating donโ€™t let anyone make you feel otherwise sister. Allah knows the truth and that is what matters the most. Sending you a comforting hug.

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    It just shocks me that she can pretend to want to be a part of MY family and crib and cry and and say that she is being left out.

    That she has no respect. That she has been abandoned by her own family so she is desperate to be a part of mine! And when she is given a chance and I have extended myself AGAIN, she actually goes behind my back again and complains about me and makes him feel that I am against her. That I don’t want her around..that I make her feel uneasy and uncomfortable and that she does not want to be anywhere near me in future and will only spend time with my hubby and kids without me OR with my in laws with out me around as I don’t make her feel good.

    What kills me further is my husband totally taking up her side . Not seeing the truth. Not making an effort to talk to me and see my side.
    On top of it feeling guilty for her. Saying my problems are miniscule and her problems are the REAL problems.

    And telling me not to have ANY EXPECTATIONS from him from now till he gives her EXACTLY what he gives me.

    That even though I treat her as an outsider and give her no respect and hate her, she is still so self sacrificing and respectful to me..that she avoids any social functions and also going out to any place where I will be present and goes later just so that I would feel comfortable.

    But now she is really hurt and wants no more contact.

    I am still so shocked at her accusation lies that I am not able to get my head around it!!
    That someone would lie so much! to this degree!

    She keeps sending quotes to my husband on watsapp about being Just in polygamy. Where is he not Just.. just cause he can’t provide her a house at the moment.he provides her with everything else.. time.. attention. Love.
    My husband is a very responsable man and he will work thrice as hard to make sure he provides a house for her.if notntoday then certainly in the near future.
    So what is her worry. She hasn’t been kicked out yet. And if she is so worried then get to working..
    She is highly qualified. Will get a job immediately.
    But to put so much stress on him about it or for him to take his stress out on me .. It’s not right..

    His office in fact has a spare room with a shower etc and a small kitchen where she can manage for a few weeks or even my in laws wouldn’t let her be abandoned like that ..they themselves will tell her to live with them they have a huge 5 bedroom house… So what is all this extreme drama for?

    Then she says she can’t stay with them cause I screwed things up for her making her an outsider to them even though they have welcomed her to the family. Especially my Father in law who has been nothing but kind to her. So my husband feels he has to repair that part for her as well and resent me even though I did NOTHING of that sort!!

    Keeps saying what will I do if I am thrown out.. Where will I go.. I won’t have a house to live in. I will be o the road. starts her drama.. wheny hubby feels all guilty and apologises to her she says.. DON’T U DARE APOLOGISE. I am not blaming you. I will do anything for you cause I love you etc etc etc. My parents hate me because of what I have done for you.. But I don’t mind as long as I have you..
    Yes I heard part of this conversation once when he was on speaker. Didnt wanna hear further so walked away and didn’t hear the rest of what nonsense she was feeding him.

    If u want to have a nice huge house then get to work soon ..or manage In a small place till he can afford to put u in a big house.

    I don’t have a huge luxurious house. Just a tiny 2BHK. I am managing without complaints even tho the kids room is tiny.. just enough for a double bunk bed. Where we used to live was huge in comparison. But I compromised.
    We have downsized after taking on this huge loan. So what is her problem?

    She keeps insisting that she is being disrespected and wants the kind of relationship with my in laws that i share.

    Does she not realize I have reached this stage with my in laws for being there for them over the years?

    My in laws and I are not from the same country or region. I was In fact Catholic before. So there is no need for them to side with me out of family obligation or tradition or for any reason whatsoever.
    I also started from scratch with them.

    She wants what ever I have without putting in any hard work!

    She wants my family, my loving relationship with my hubby, (which she managed to destroy ) my kids, my relationship with my in-laws! Everything!!

    Saying she wants to be a part of it..its all B*S* She just wants me out of it!
    She wants me gone and to take my place. At the same time she doesn’t want to say outright that she wants me gone because she came into this marriage with my husband impressing him with this dialogue that she never wants to break my marriage or My family. She just wants to be a part of it . She doesn’t want to be judged as a person who would break a family either.

    This is the second time she has lied that that!
    I am so shocked!!

    I have Never done anything to her!
    Never tried to stop her relationship with him. Never been to nasty to her.

    And then to pretend to be some kinda matyr.
    To keep repeating she will do anything to make him happy.
    That she tries and makes me feel confortable but I still disrespect her.
    That she loves my kids But I try to stop their interactions which is a big lie cause my husband takes them to her house every weekend!

    And they go out to lunch, shopping etc as a family whenever she wants.
    My husband take them out together..which is 100 times more than what he does with me.. he never hangs around with us as a family. Its always Me alone with the kids or My hubby and her exclusively when they want to be alone then then hubby and her and my kids when she wants company. He keeps taking her to my in-laws house cause he doesn’t want her to feel left out but refuses to step into his parents home with me cause he feels its not a family without her..

    My hubby never takes me out alone anywhere anymore..its been MONTHS! Probably more than 4-5 months.. And neither does he spend time with us together as a family anymore as she will feel very HURT and left out and abandoned so he doesn’t wanna cause her pain!!

    But it’s all right to treat me like dirt and ignore me?? I am getting so mad at the moment.. To act like a touch from me is poison. To igbore me. To emotionally abuse me. To say that I dont understand their relationship so he will not talk to me as I do my underatand him.
    Whatever. Theirs is some special connection from heaven they assume. Good for them.

    She tried telling me once about their SPECIAL CONNECTION.. whatever.

    I know I am probably repeating instances but I am recollecting all this shit he is putting through and wondering why is he treating me like this..

    What the hell have I done to deserve this treatment?

    I am so sorry for repeating myself.. just venting out here.

    I just need to let it out again before I go mad…

    Sorry all. My head feels like it’s gonna split right now. I am prob not making any sense..

    Khudahafiz all

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    Gail
    You are totally right. Something is eating up my husband inside. I spoke to him last night as I couldn’t take his shitty attitude anymore.
    He says he is unhappy as he is not JUST with her.

    He doesn’t pay for her accommodation. She has been and still stays in a house purchased by her dad ages ago.
    Earlier the deal was that he needn’t provide for her financially as she already had a house and she has a really well paying job and don’t need to depend on him for anything and could easily rent a place if need be.

    But she quit her job sometime after marriage.
    He now provides her with everything financially except for a house.
    Now the problem is with her parents not happy that she married him she is worried that they could potentially tell her to leave the house as technically it belongs to them so then where will she go?. Where will she live? That is stressing them out.

    He recently took a huge business loan and is unable to rent or buy her a house immediately. And it has to be a nice house in a good upmarket locality as she comes from a very rich family so be is not gonna ‘Throw her in a small house somewhere.’

    So when I suggested why doesn’t she just get a job now esp when she still has job offers coming in I was told
    1. Firstly To mind my own business as who am I to tell her what to do.. OK lol.
    2. She cannot work as she is super stressed from all this marriage drama and cannot concentrate on work at the moment and
    3. It’s his responsibility to provide her with a house as he has provided me with one.

    He said that I have NO RIGHT to ask for anything (time,affection, concern etc) as I am already getting way more than she is getting.

    That my talk about our marriage is going so bad and how I am feeling etc is small petty stuff compared to the REAL AND HUGE PROBLEMS she is facing.

    So whatever I am going through is small and inconsequential compared to her problems so I need to suck it up and deal with it myself as he has no time or inclination to be there for me. Ok. Got it.

    Then this comes up
    He starts accusing me of acting and pretending that I have accepted polygamy and that I still hate her.

    I met her at my in laws house when there was a celebration gathering there for his birthday.

    I extended an olive branch AGAIN and invited her myself after my in laws invited her so she won’t stay away because of me as she claims that I dont want her arond so she won’t come.

    I was friendly. I was warm. I was polite. I thought it’s a happy occasion let’s just move on. Tru and be happy as a family. Together.

    I served her food when I served my hubby. I stayed away and sat away from him when I saw that she wanted to be with him all evening and wanted to sit next to him all the time. When I saw they needed privacy to talk I left the room. I concentrated on my kids. Chatted with everone. Kept myself busy.

    It was not easy. It did hurt to see them together as it’s still new to me.

    But I didnt it show it.
    In fact my in-laws and my sister in law even told me that I made everything easy for everyone and that they were happy that I was moving forward etc and that I was so warm and friendly to her.

    They were extremely nice to her too. Discussed Islam with her. Discussed the Qur’an. Told her if she has any questions and any doubts to just ask them.

    We all sat and ate together. We women prayed together. We all talked together.

    It was Alhumdulliah a good evening. Yes it was rough for me but seeing everyone happy made me happy too. I thought yes this can be done. We can try and be a family.

    Cut to yesterday he accused me of acting and pretending to accept polygamy.

    When I said what do u mean? he said that she says I was extremely uncomfortable with her around that evening and that I was not happy with her around, so that made her feel very uneasy and uncomfortable around me and she will not come anywhere anymore wherever I am as I will just make things uneasy for her.

    What???!!!!

    I asked him did he feel I did anything of that sort because he was around that night too!
    He says he went for prayers so he wasn’t around all night.
    I said so his mother and sister were there too. They didn’t notice anything like that.. So why was she the one having a problem.

    Then she said that my in laws were aloof with her only because I was around. They didn’t want me to be unhappy seeing her interact with them so they were not accomodating her how they usually would!

    I saw their interactions with my own eyes!!
    Everyone was welcoming and warm and so so nice. It was a nice evening!! She was smiling and laughing with everyone etc.. In front of me! So she can’t say that they were rude to her when I was there. What bullshit!!

    In fact I would say she was the one acting said Why would she act so happy if she was so unhappy that evening??

    In fact he wants her to live with his parents for 2 reasons. So she can stay there for the time being but also to bond with his parents cause apparently I have robbed her of the opportunity to bond with them.

    So that she can be looked on as proper daughter in law by his parents and neighbours and community the way that I am.. Cause she feels that she hasn’t given respect in all these aspects.

    Whatever!!

    I was fuming.. I was so hurt as well.

    I did everything with a clean and clear heart. Not to impress anyone. Not to act. I did it because I thought its the right thing to do.
    Allah knows everything. What I did. What was in my heart. So I don’t need to defend myself to him anymore.

    I even went out of my way at times to be nice to her. And for her to accuse me!! And worse!! For him to just believe her like that!

    Does he not know me and what kinda person I am?

    Is this what we have reached today?
    Blind trust on one side and total negativity on the other.

    I am trying the best I can with what I am going through. it’s not an easy time for me right now. But to be treated like this and to be accused like this is not right on their part. I can’t take this shit anymore.

    I am so done right now. I am so tired of this nonsense…

    Holding on for the sake of our almost 12 years of marriage. For my kids to have a happy family life. For the fact that after all this shit he throws at me I still love him.
    Living in hope that one day things will get better.

    But I am so so so done right now. I am fed up.
    Forgive me sisters. I am totally weak right now.

    I don’t think I can go on like this. Patience is one thing but to be treated this.. It’s just not done.
    This past week he was really horrible to me! Even more than normal
    It’s one of the reasons I even spoke to him after so long even tho i knew there was potential for a fight, because I have been patient all these months. And ignore his treatment towards me and try and not ask him anything. To have peace at home I keep quiet and just take his shit. But enough is enough I think.
    It’s obvious tomorrow if push comes to shove he will leave me if she wants.. or maybe it’s even what he wants..

    I do not matter to him anymore. Not the way I should.

    Yesterday was sort of an eye opener to me. It’s obvious that she doesn’t want me around. And she is being extremely manipulative about it. And if he is so naive that he can’t see it and would rather cast me aside then this itself is a huge issue by itself.

    I need to sort out my finances as Gail said. Keep myself prepared. I need to think long and hard now. To be practical. And stop being so damn weak.

    Khudahafiz all.

  • Heartbroken

    June 4, 2017

    Ummof4
    Roza means fasting in Urdu.
    It is derived from Persian Urdu. Urdu is a language commonly spoken in India and Pakistan.
    My father in law spent a few years in India where he became fascinated with the language Urdu and till date he says Roza for fasting and we follow it sort of like a tradition.. It’s nice..

  • Gail

    June 3, 2017

    Heartbroken,
    Listen straight up your husband is going through something mental and obviously emotional.You will most certainly keep emotionally abusing you until he himself gets a clue.
    I am different than you in the fact that I would set him down and tell him straight we are not leaving this room until u have explained to me in detail what is going on with him.
    I would demand to know whats going on or I would push him over the emotional cliff(hen peck him to death) so to speak until he broke.
    Your husband is wrong to mistreat you.I mean really people treat their animals better than how u are being treated at this point.I understand being patient but at some point I feel when a wife or husband is being emotionally abused they have to stand up and look the other person in the eye and flat tell them to KNOCK OFF!I think u should get through Ramadan but after Ramadan if he is still acting emotionally abusive towards you then u should at some point get your ducks in a row financially and stand up to him and tell him straight either KNOCK OFF or Don’t come back and u need to play hard ball and not let your kids go with him to your cowife’s home.I really think eventually u have to slap him back emotionally or he is going to walk all over you for who knows how long.
    Now mind you if and when u decide to be so bold u have got to make sure u have your finances in order.U can’t be spouting off at the mouth if u don’t have two nickles to rub together.U must hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
    I really feel in your case unless u can get to the bottom of why he is acting out against u so horribly u are doomed to lead a really $hitty life from hear on out!I am seeing really clear at some point you are going to have to stand up to him and regain your power and your marriage rights or u are screwed.
    Take your time but something is eating your husband up inside and I suspect that it has to do with him not understanding how Polygamy truly works.I also think your husband is not cut out for Polygamy.I think he made a mistake to engage in Polygamy and he knows it.I see the signs in your husband that my own husband had.
    My husband was never cut out for Polygamy even though he tried to hold it together he couldn’t.His first wife was also not cut out for Polygamy as she never could accept it.
    Polygamy is not easy and I would dare say it might be the hardest thing people could go through.
    Your role may very well be to help him and your cowife figure out how to be ok living in Polygamy BUT if your cowife is going to cut your back esp knowing u have children with your husband then that will never work.
    Your husband and cowife have created a mess it looks like to me and it will be up to all three of u to fix this mess but if your husband and cowife are unwilling then u are left with nothing but a big cluster F@ck if u ask me.

  • Gail

    June 3, 2017

    Ana,
    Now u have me wondering what is going on with Spirited and hoping she will pop in eventually.So u have food Allergies(that sucks).
    I have some really Awesome news to share! My youngest Son that is 12(yes 12) has enrolled in a FAA Aviation Training School in our Area to become a Pilot.We were told because he is so young he can take his written Aviation test at 15 and at 16 after he completes 15 hours of check off he will be a licensed Private Pilot.That’s his first step to becoming a Commercial Pilot.He will also be going to University to get his Law degree.His life Goals are Amazing to me!

  • ummof4

    June 3, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Heartbroken, what is Roza that your eldest daughter is doing? Is it fasting? If so, what language is Roza?
    Heartbroken, stay strong and concentrate on your relationship with Allah and your children, family and friends this blessed month of Ramadan. Allah promises the believers relief after every difficulty. Your husband apparently doesn’t realize or is ignoring his responsibilities to you as his wife. All men don’t handle polygyny properly, sometimes out of ignorance and sometimes out of arrogance. May Allah keep you strong.

    Ana, welcome back from your anniversary vacation. My husband and I have already made all our arrangements for our annual vacation for our 42nd anniversary in July, Alhamdulillah!

    Amina, welcome to the blog. You probably know that I am the elder of the bunch who writes regularly. I’m in that category of people who have to fast every day, so sisters, enjoy the break during Ramadan that Allah gives you during the menses; that too shall pass if you live long enough.

    Everyone enjoy your Ramadan; do the acts to gain more blessings, and try not to gain any weight by eating too much at night and exercising too little.

    By the way, is there anyone out there who lives way north like Finland or Alaska, who has the extremely long fasting days? What do you do about fasting when it is only daytime for an hour or two? Please, I only want sisters who actually live there to answer; I already know the Islamic rulings on the matter.

  • Heartbroken

    June 2, 2017

    Salaamalaikum

    Amina,
    What beautiful words. Thank you so much. It helped my wounded heart And mind to read your words. Thank you!

    Insha Allah I shall get stronger.

    Khudahafiz

  • anabellah

    June 2, 2017

    Amina, Greetings to you too and welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚

    I’m so happy to hear you’ve been with us for some time and are now commenting. Thanks a trillion for reaching out to “Heartbroken”. It’s so helpful when we all come forth and imput. It was very kind and thoughtful of you. Insha Allah, “Heartbroken” will find the strength in Allah to do what is best. We could only share our thoughts about what we’re all going through. Again, welcome and thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Amina

    June 2, 2017

    Greetings everyone, I’ve been following this blog for long but never wrote a comment.

    Dear Heartbroken,
    I’ve followed your contributions and ma shaa Allah tabarak Allah for the strength that Allah has given you. May He help you towards what is best! Amin!

    I wanted to intervine and tell you, that telling him you love him and being vulnerable is acutally something good. It might hurt because you might face rejection but it shows your strength. Do it for Allah and don’t look for any thankfulness or appreciation from the creatures. Expect to be rejected, then its easier to deal with rejection.

    This might make him soften up over time. Show him love without showing him that you expect love in return.

    Do this only for Allah! Not ever for your husband because he is not worth that much of effort. Show him love without expectations, even if you don’t really love him.

    This is just my flawed advice. Allah knows best. You want to be strong and stable. You want to have Ihsan in all situations in live.

    I would say: don’t be the person who asks for divorce because YOU might take all the blame despite everything that he did wrong. If he wants a divorce, let him do the “dirty-work”.

    But Allah knows best. I am not all-knowing or extremely wise. It might be, that I am wrong.

    I am so sorry he is not giving you love like you need it.. have you thought about compensating for that? I know this may sound weird or so but if I was that lonely, I would write stories from my imagination about me and my imaginary “dream-man” being together. I would think of him when my husband is not giving me love and smile, knowing that my dream-man loves me. But thats just me… It would compensate..

    Keeping yourself busy also compensates. Your relationship with Allah compensates all relationships and the entire universe.. <3

    stay strong and know that you are not alone!
    Think of Allah, when you are left alone. He knows and sees! And He provides for you and guides you. He is aware of this injustice. May this be a reason for you to be guided to the greatest levels of Ihsan and Sabr and tawakul. May this be a reason for you to enter jannah without account! Amin! Think of the rewards for patience<3 <3

    Think of the Prophet Musa (alaihi salam) who returned to his people only to find out how they had abandoned him and turned toward worshiping the calf.

    Think about the Prophet Muhammad (salla Llahu alaihi wa sallam), who was loved by his tribe and who treated everyone with ihsan before being given Prophethood. After that they cursed him, disowned him, lied about him, called him mad and deluded. His own tribe turned against him..

    Think of us! We are with you and care for you.

  • Heartbroken

    June 2, 2017

    Salaamalaikum All

    Mashallah,my elder daughter is doing Roza for the first time. It’s not yet Wajib for her but she wishes to do Roza till her school reopens and maybe after too, Alhumdulillah.

    Still having my good days and bad days.

    Felt really low yesterday and having my periods didn’t help my mood. While in bed last night, I tried to hold his hand and the quick way he pulled his hand away brought me down further.
    Don’t know why his attitude seems to be getting worse.
    No Salam when he comes home and barely mumbles a reply to my greeting..

    Seems some major drama is again happening on her side with her parents in town so his mood is even more jacked. Don’t know why he is taking his frustrations out on me though.

    Alhamdulillah with her spending some time with her parents this week he has been able to spend more time with the kids at home.
    Ignores me as per usual and doesn’t bother to talk or look at me but at least the kids got to spend time with their father and were super thrilled! Yay!

    But that is gonna end again on Saturday but oh well…

    I told him I Love you, just like that..after a long time.. his reply..OK.. So??

    Lol. Should learn to shut my mouth and keep my sudden romantic impulses to myself in future.
    He makes sure to keep away from me so that we don’t even touch by mistake even while sitting on the couch. Like my touch is irritating to him.
    Wonder where so much dislike and frustrations towards me stems from. We haven’t made love in months either. He makes it’s clear he is not interested either. Sigh.
    Wonder how long this kinda situation will last.
    I pray to Allah for strength to endure it.

    Hearing him to talk to her in a lovely dovey way right in front of me doesn’t help. I literally have to leave the room while he is on the phone with her.
    His tender tone and words to her and him calling her my love etc really get to me ESP when he hasn’t called me that in ages and with him being so rude to me when he does talk to me just really hurts!

    Wonder when will he realize that I would like to be spoken like that too.. Speak to her lovingly no problem, but speak to me with love too.. but Nope..

    He goes out of his way to show me he doesn’t want me around I think. Well then, he needs to tell me clearly himself what his intentions are. I am staying put till then If Allah permits it.

    I wonder if that makes me sound and look desperate wanting to be in a marriage where the husband doesn’t seem to want me around.

    Anyway just wanted to vent. Am really really low today.
    Thanks for creating a page for us to pour out our feelings Ana. And to be understood and not judged here.

    Khudahafiz all.

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2017

    I’m wondering if anyone out there was informed by her husband that he will marry again after Ramadan. It was common for us to hear from wives about it during this time.

    ?

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2017

    Polygamy 411 June 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2017

    Gail,

    I wonder if Jenny ever figured it out, as well. ๐Ÿ™ I don’t think her life was much different than anyone else married in that situation although she portrayed it to be. Maybe she saw the light of day.

    I was waiting for Spirited to come back here and share what’s been happening in her life. Perhaps she still will. I told her that I wouldn’t say anything about it until she does.

    I hear you about your allergies. Mine are more food related (Gluten) – hives and itching. I’ve been dealing with it, avoiding any meds. I saw a whole lot of pollen out there when I was out and about yesterday. I hope you feel better.