Living Polygamy the Right Way

living polygamy the right wayIs there such a thing as living polygamy the right way? If so, what is the right way? Many women say that the men aren’t doing polygamy right. So, what is right? It’s what we must ask ourselves.

For one thing, we know a husband should be kind and just to his wives. In fact, being just and kind are a must for us in all our dealings. We know that he should live with his wife or wives on an equal footing. Additionally, he should feed, clothe and house them the same as he does for himself. Basically, it’s his duty to maintain and protect them.

When one speaks of a man living polygamy the right way, does it mean the way the wife wants it done?

Let’s take a look at what the ideal may look like. Ideally a husband would have a desire for another wife. Perhaps, he goes to a masjid (mosque) to speak to a woman’s guardian about marrying her Happily, they all agree to it. Now, he’s intended to her for marriage.

He goes home and tell his wife that he has found someone to marry and had received her guardian’s blessings. The wife says, Alhumdulliah (praise be to Allah) and may Allah bless your marriage.

She, her husband and the woman who is now a wife instantly become friends. They raise one another kids and love their husband dearly. He is lovey dovey with all his wives, kissing each on the check and all else. He shows no favoritism. They all live happily ever after. Not. They all get a wake up call. Welcome to reality.

Living polygamy the right way isn’t based on the wife’s ideal vision of it

The world is not lived based on ideals. For one thing, the husband, the wife and the co-wife all have different wants and desires. Sometimes those things clash causing conflict. To think there is such a thing as living polygamy the right way could leave a wife disappointed

Sometimes it’s best not to dwell on him and how wrong he is or how wrong she thinks he is. Rather, it’s better to accept that he lives polygamy the way Allah scripted it. It’s better to accept what is real and now. Then work from there.

Of course, if he’s physically or mentally abusive or isn’t maintaining and protecting properly, it’s a different story. In this article, we’re not delving into blatant wrongdoing.

Living polygamy the right way means living it according to Allah’s plan

Men live polygamy the way that Allah has decreed it. Allah who created the Heavens and the earth and all between decided who our mates would be. He decided how they’d meet, how they’d wed and how they would live.

Allah decided their lives for them. He decided which wife the husband would love more, as well as which wife would receive whatever she gets from her husband. What she gets comes from Allah. The husband simply delivers it. It’s important to realize that Allah gives based on His measure and his Will and Plan.

Furthermore, Allah says he tests some of us by way of others. He says that we cannot enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us. Maybe polygamy is a test for the husband or the wife or both.

Polygamy could be a means to bring a person closer to Allah or to take a person further away from Him. Not all who say they are Muslims are going to enter Paradise/Jannah. Some will go to the Hell Fire.

There are examples in the Quran of stories that let us know of the trials of some people. Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) gave birth without being married. She had no husband by her side. Prophet Abraham (PBUH) dropped his wife and son out in the desert and left them there. Pharoah’s wife was a believer, but look at what her husband was.

I say it all to say there is no ideals in life. Realizing that fact could change our lives for ever.

Please Note: Please only comment on the topic of this page. Please speak about other subjects in the assigned “Discussions” area.

living polygamy the right way

Books about Polygamy in Islam


Share article on

Don't Be Shy. Leave a Reply

* Denotes Required Field

https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif 
https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_whistle3.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif  https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif 
 

157 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    In the beginning of a polygamous marriage, wives have a tendency to want to turn to people who will support their negative position. They want to hear from other people how wrong their husbands are. They want people to side with them.

    It only worsens the situation. It doesn’t make matters better. The wife may feel better momentarily. But as soon as the wives are away from the people who were on their side, they go back to feeling badly again. They fall back into the rut. They suffer alone. Nothing bad can yield good results.

    It’s better to be with people who know the truth and speak it. It’s the only way to move forward and get to a good place.

  • baseema

    June 21, 2016

    My pleasure Ana! It’s the least we can do seeing as you gifted us with your precious work. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    baseema,

    Thank you, Sis, for letting everyone know the importance of leaving nice reviews for the book.  I’m not sure, but I think they could only leave a review over at Amazon, if they have an Amazon account. I think they require proof that the person bought the book. Nonetheless, my website for the book should be up and running within a week or so and people will be able to leave reviews there, as well. Someone is working on putting the website together for me now.
    Thanks again for your help, baseema https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Thank you for your kind words. I greatly appreciate it. I understand what you went through when you read it. When some of the commentators read the story in blog version as posts before I removed the story from the blog, many had the same type of reaction. It seems all women are very much alike in what they go through in a polygamous marriage.

    It was tough for me to write the book and have to re-read it several times before getting the final draft. It is said that a writer goes through approx 11 drafts before finalizing it. I found it to be true.

    I think re-reading it and editing it so much was therapeutic for me at the same time. The very last time that I read it didn’t effect me much at all. So, I think I made a breakthrough Alhumdulliah! :-)

  • anabellah

    June 21, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I’m sorry to here that you can’t get the book downloaded where you are. I’m not all familiar with how it all work with getting the book other than there is a free Kindle reader that can be downloaded. Nonetheless, if you can’t get the book the way I sent it, I hope you are still able to use the gift as a gift certificate. It’s an option that Amazon made available to the receivers of the gift. It’s all good. No need to worry.

  • Umm of2

    June 21, 2016

    Sis Ana I’m so sad I’m not able to read your book yet I’m living abroad and I can’t view the e book from where I am.  The kindle app is not in my App Store unfortunately. I’m going to order it instead. I’m so excited. I’m a book worm. 

  • Jasmina

    June 21, 2016

    It’s a nice community and th only blog I check regularly and comment on. 

    allahualem Akbar indeed!!

     

     

  • baseema

    June 21, 2016

    make sure to leave a nice review on the book! reviews are important! (still reading myself!) :)

  • Tasliyman

    June 21, 2016

    Aslm Ana

    I finished the book and all I can say is WOW! That was so emotional for me.

    It’s like I experienced all the emotions of the last six years (that’s how long I’ve been married) all over again. The emotions were so real that my husband was worried about me as he could see how affected I was. He just wanted me to stop reading but I told him that I can’t, I had to continue so I can get to the happily ever after.

    Well done Ana, you certainly captured the emotions strongly in your writing.

    I am so grateful that I have passed the craziness stage (at least for most of the time). This book reminded me of what my life used to be like. I thank the Almighty that I have gained some state of peace, contentment and happiness in my marriage and life.

    I hope this book helps ladies who are still in that stage to realise that there is no need to stay there. You can certainly move on from there and live a happy life.

    By the way, I actually finished the book yesterday already but I was still too emotional to post. Once again, congratulations Ana.

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2016

    Alhumdulliah!!! God is Great!

  • anabellah

    June 20, 2016

    Jasmina,

    I’m so happy you like the book thus far. Yay. The surprise for everyone wasn’t so much that I had written a book, but that it would be gifted to some of writers who have written here regularly recently. I wanted to show my appreciation and thank the writers for their support. It’s well worth the expense. As much as I’d like to make the book free for all, it’s not feasible.

    I’m thankful for all who write. It’s easy to sit and read. It’s not a matter of just having a blog to read, as I could make it a read only blog. Feedback is important. Sharing real life experiences is important. It takes much more to write and help. It takes putting in the extra effort to make a difference.

    I thank you, Jasmina and I thank all https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Jasmina

    June 20, 2016

    Yes I got it and started reading your book! So far in hooked and want to finish it but I’m hoping after Ramadan inshallah. I had no idea it costs you money to send us the gift.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Please Note: I received the following notice from Kindle:

    “Some email providers and software may incorrectly identify Kindle book gift email as spam or junk. Please make sure that your recipient modifies their security settings to allow email from Amazon.com.

    Thanks for using Kindle.”

    Please check you spam box if you think you should have received an ebook as a gift, but didn’t.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    If anyone thinks they received notice of a gift (ebook) but have been using a fake email address, please use the contact form to let me know an accurate email address to send the book too. Thank you!

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    I’m glad many of you have acknowledge receipt of your gift by claiming it. I know many of you are very busy and will need to find time to read the book. It’s all good whether now, later or never LOL

    Nonetheless, I kindly ask that you all claim the gift immediately whether you’re going to read it now or later, so I could deal with the accounting. It’s sort of like when you receive a check and the company gives you a certain amount of time to cash it.

    Thank you very much for your anticipated cooperation. I appreciate it much! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Update:

    The person posted saying the posts were from two people living in the same household and used faked email addresses so not to be recognized.

    Umm of 2, You’re so welcome, dear Sis. I pray the same for you too,

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Umm of2

    June 18, 2016

    Sis Ana thank you so much dear. I cannot wait to read with a nice hot cup of tea :) May you be blessed to be a constant recipient of the Mercy and Blessings of Allah. AMEEN. 

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Jasminah,

    Yeah, what gets me about the situation with the person who portrayed herself as two is that it presented a slight problem for me. I wasn’t going to send a book to one of the personalities portrayed. I got to thinking about it and was feeling bad, so I went ahead and sent it. Two books got sent back to me as unable to deliver due to bad email addresses. It’s when I looked into it further and learned the two were actually one. Well, at least the person didn’t get two books LOL I requested refunds from Amazon for the monies and they said no. I can only get a gift card with the monies loaded on it. Oh well, sigh. I order stuff all the time from Amazon so it’s no loss. shrug.

  • Jasmina

    June 18, 2016

    Lol Ana who would do that. so sad so sad. It’s an anonymous blog. 

  • baseema

    June 18, 2016

    Oh Ana! Thank you SO much!!! This is wonderful!!!!!!! Just downloaded it into my phone!! Thank you!!!  <3 https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifhttps://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    To the person who just posted. I didn’t post your last comment/post because IT’S NOT YOU. You’re not the imposter. I didn’t think you were. The person knows who she is. I don’t want everyone to get paranoid or try to figure out who it is. I’d just appreciate people being one person unless the person is schizophrenic. What happens is someone posts and then post as someone else backing the person up in what was said, but it’s one and the same person. Every now and again we get someone who does that.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    In trying to send books to people, I’ve discovered that someone is posing as two different people here. You know who you are. I don’t want to call you out on the forum. I’d appreciate if you’d stop. Be one person or the other. Thank you!

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Laylah,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam! You’re going to be okay. Humanizing your co is a good start. I mean it’s probably passed a start. You’re doing way good. Keep up the good work. Stay strong. Keep pushing through it…

  • Laylah

    June 18, 2016

    Salaam x

    Shukraan so much. I received the email, I downloaded the app, I am looking forward to reading this book so much. Things are very much a rollercoaster for me, but reading these posts helped me to humanise my co wife instead of demonize her lol ? so, for that I am grateful Alhamdulillah. So many of you have shown sabr and been drawn closer to Allah. I was I don’t know… ashamed of all this bitterness. It helps to know that Insha Allah things get easier if I keep working at it x ?

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Back then it was somewhat like a circus. I think people read and wrote in the earlier days of the blog because it was entertaining back then, more than educational or inspirational.

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Umm of2,

    Yeah, yesterday (on the older blog – in the beginning of it) I was just like everyone else when it came to polygamy, hating it and hating those associated with the INTRUSION, as I call it. I was no different. It took a lot of learning and growing to get to where I am today. Yeah, I thought I had it going on LOL I got the rude awakening. I got the wake-up call and I’m a better person for it. My life is better than it’s ever been. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I thank Allah much for the life that I have now. No, I didn’t start out knowing what time it was. I was a complete mess on the blog. If you think I’ve got issues now – I used to go mad on people who disagreed with me LOL I used to snap, crackle and pop. Thinking back to it, I just SMH – who was that person, I ask…Sigh

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Laylah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If you read the book, you will see that you aren’t alone in what you’re experiencing. I think it’s par for the course. What you’re dealing with and going through is quite normal and ordinary for a woman who finds herself in a polygamous marriage and never wanted to be in one. You can get through it and to a place where you have peace, contentment and joy. It is a journey and you’re going through the progression. {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to All :-)

    Good news. The ebook is live now on Amazon. I’ve sent the book as a gift to a number of you, as I had said I would. Please check your email. I would love to have sent it to everyone who commented here. Please know that I do appreciate everyone.

    There is no need for anyone to say thank you. Please know that you all are very welcome. I thank you all again for your continued support. I love you all. You are the best! {{{hugs}}}

    I’ll copy this post to a couple of the other themes to make sure the commentators know to check their email. I don’t have a Kindle, so don’t ask me how it works to get it from the email to the device LOL I know you don’t need a Kindle. You can download a Kindle app.

  • Umm of2

    June 18, 2016

    Yes it’s very rare for a wife or wives to be receptive  to speaking with a woman to possibly marry her husband. I think ummof4 also said she has spoken to her husbands intendants beforehand. Hats off to her. But just the thought of polygamy nowadays drives ppl insane. We don’t own our husbands. But some think they do. 

    You have me laughing sis Ana wow the older blog people went in. That’s hilarious. And I cannot imagine you once being in that bandwagon. Allah be thanked you have truley grown I would have never guessed. It’s true, many of us think we “have it going on” (as you say,lol) and I love when u say that. But we get a rude awakening and it’s for our own good. 

  • Laylah

    June 18, 2016

    Salaam x

    What ummof2 makes sense logically. They are married move on with your life. For me it is really difficult. Polygamy is difficult enough and let me be the first to tell or you may have already guessed I can be difficult and emotionally overwrought. But I feel traumatised by what happened within my marriage. It’s one thing to marry a man and then have your own relationship. I think it is quite something else to not have respect for an existing relationship, first have an illicit relationship and then legitimize it with marriage. I am fair minded enough to hold them both equally accountable. My problem is, my husband apologized and admitted that it was wrong. My co says look I did what I needed to to get him. How you feel is not my problem it’s yours. My question is, how do you move forward from that? What I do right now, is try to respect their relationship and keep my distance. My husband says that he keeps her in check as in he adminustors that she respects this relationship but he would like for us to be more cordial. But I have serious trust issues. …

  • anabellah

    June 18, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I’m sorry. You were serious, but I thought what you said was funny and I laughed out loud. It’s funny, but the truth. You said, “Most wives will go completely insane if some woman called her up for a meeting to talk about possibly.”
    marrying her husband.” You’re correct.

    It didn’t sink in with me until a Mrs.2 and Khadijah Z came here telling it like it was and didn’t pull any punches. Some others said similar too, but what the other two said stuck with me. There was someone called Espinosa or something here too. She was very out spoken and I took notice. There used to me a lot of people here talking. It was when I was into bashing women who married men who were already married. As you can guess, a lot of people joined me on that bandwagon. Now it’s a whole different ball game. I grew a heck of a lot. My faith was weak back then when I erroneously thought it was strong. Not too many people are for polygamy, which is why the audience isn’t as large. There are a whole lot of negative people out there and a lot of polygamy haters.

    The women on the older version of this blog lets us have it. They said, for instance, look, your husbands came looking for us. They asked us to marry them. They wanted us… huh, it woke me up real quick. I can see women having a tough time accepting a co, but it doesn’t mean they have to hate polygamy and all women who marry men who are already married. It may take women to adjust to a co and accept her, but it doesn’t mean one should hate on all women who simple carry out Allah’s plan.

    Unless women who marry as 2nd, 3rd and 4th speak their minds and step to those who are out of line, then people will most of the time continue in their ways. I don’t mean anyone should argue or debate here. I mean, some stay silent and hold their tongues and hold what they are feeling and thinking inside, and of course their views don’t reach those who need it. I’m glad those other ladies spoke up because I woke up when they did.

  • Umm of2

    June 18, 2016

    It would be nice having a honkey dorey convo with the first wife but it’s not an ideal world. Most wives will go completely insane if some woman called her up for a meeting to talk about possibly marrying her husband. 

  • Umm of2

    June 18, 2016

    Firstly they don’t need the first wife’s permission secondly if the first wife didn’t give her consent then what. Does patience think that’s going to stop her husband from marrying again. Polygamy is not about ideals. There’s no manual to this. Everyone is going about with blindfolds on learning as they grow. Allah chooses our husbands before we are even born so it’s not in the first wife’s control if she gives her consent or not if its meant for her husband to marry again no one can stop it through hell or high water. First wives need to stop blaming second wives and blame their husbands. It takes two to make a marriage. Everyone should be compassionate to everyone. There’s no written in stone rule that only second wives are to be considerate to first wives and to hell with everyone else. I hope I didn’t go too off base here just want ppl to comprehend the fact that our mates are chosen and the love between the two are placed in their hearts. What’s going to happen will happen what’s not going to happen won’t dosent matter who did what or didn’t do that. 

  • Marah S

    June 17, 2016

    My theory on the whole second wives marrying men without taking the first wife into consideration is that I understand why some of them may choose to marry a man knowing that he is already married without contacting the first wife. Women who marry men who are already married tend to recieve a lot of unnecessary hate as if they are some crazy Devils who committed a sin, even though they’ve done nothing wrong. I’m sure it can be scary contacting a wife and asking her if you can marry her husband. Who knows what could happen, the first wife could be very against it and do everything In her power to stop the marriage from happening. So even though I think it would be more ideal if the first wife was contacted first, I can understand why some women choose not to contact the existing wife or wives.

    I don’t think patience is really interested in any real advice It seemed to me like she was just trying to stir some trouble. But I think it all goes back to what this post is about, even if your husband did remarry in a dishonest way a woman finds that it was unfair for her co-wife to marry her husband without contacting her first. What difference does it make they’re already married and what’s done is done Allah chose for it to be carried out that way. There’s no benefit in moaning and groaning about it the rest of your life.

  • Marah S

    June 17, 2016

    Lol yes he says he wants 12, he loves children so much, he teaches Quran to a group of kids on weekends and they all love him so much and he loves them too. He’s always in such a good mood when he’s around kids lol.

  • Umm of2

    June 17, 2016

    marah S your husband wants twelve kids? Wow lol that’s a whole football team right there. 

    InshaAllah!

  • Umm of2

    June 17, 2016

    Marah S thank you for sharing. Yeah sounds about right every month tracking and waiting to  ovulate for two weeks then waiting another two weeks to take a pregnancy test only to see that horrendous one line. Now I just see Allah in everything and I’m at peace. I know He will give me what’s best for me when it’s best for me :) He always does. Alhumdullilaah you were blessed with im sure a beautiful baby. Allah HU Akbar

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2016

    Marah S,

    Thanks you much for sharing, dear Sister. I’m so happy for you! :-) God is Great!

  • Marah S

    June 17, 2016

    Thanks ladies, I really hope those of you who want more children are able to one day. I know how it do feels to want a child, although for different reasons. My husband says he wants 12 kids https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif. We tried for this first baby for nearly a year, it was truly an emotional roller coaster. Every month getting my hopes up, tracking symptoms and thinking this month will be it, and then bam no baby. It can be quite devastating, especially when it seemed like everyone around me was either announcing oregnancy’s or having babies. I never imagined how hard it could be to long for a child and have no guarantee that one will ever come. I spent a lot of time reading the story of zakariyyah over and over and repeating the duaa’s that zakariyyah made when he was longing for a child as well. I tried to remember to be patient just like zakariyyah was even though it’s not easy. The month I got pregnant was the 11th month if I hadn’t gotten pregnant that month I would have started doctor intervention. I didn’t think I would get pregnant at all but alhamdulillah I did not a moment too late, just when Allah decreed it. Looking back I’m happy that Allah tested me with patience. I know my situation is a bit different from what you guys might have to deal with but I hope it can still help some of you.

  • ummof4

    June 17, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Tasliyman, Umm of 2, Ana, and everyone else, thank you for your kind words.  I pray that we can all meet in Jannah one day and have a group hug.  I have always believed that it is to everyone’s advantage to talk to and learn from the elders.  The younger learn life lessons and the elders pass on their knowledge and wisdom.  But, as my daughter says, I have a young spirit, it’s just trapped in an older body.

    Marah S, I know what you mean about raging hormones when pregnant.  Once I got so bad that my husband had to break down our bedroom door to get to me.  I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and just kept screaming.  My son was so frightened that he called his father to come home.  So my husband came,  broke down the door and just hugged me and rocked me until I calmed down.  The best is yet to come in your pregnancy.  Enjoy the ride.

    Jum’uah Mubarak to everyone.  Ramadan is leaving fast, so let’s get all the blessings we can, In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    June 17, 2016

    I understood what you meant, Sis :-)

  • Umm of2

    June 17, 2016

    I meant to say reading Quran in English and understanding it takes me to a whole other level:)

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    Tasliyman, your posts are so intriguing. I’m so happy you are at such a good space in your life. I too have learned so much from this blog. You said it so well it equipps us to weather the daily storms      . Every day is so up and down, so many emotions. It’s funny how I could literally strangle my husband one day and be so in love the next day. Allah be praised He has guided me here. It has made me see life through a whole new scope. A lot of things that used to bother me no longer bothers me. Reading the Quran in Arabic soothes my soul and reading in English takes me to a whole other level. 

    I think we all have a mutual feeling for ummof4 she’s so wonderful. I want to sit in her presence I know I could learn so much from her. 

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    Oh, Tasliyman,

    I know about going through the crazy spell. I was the poster child for crazy https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif  LOL

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    It is so funny LOL I knew what you were saying was intellectually deep. You were spitting knowledge, but I didn’t know you had gotten a lot of it from the blog. It’s too totally funny. To me, it seemed you expressed it so differently. I thought you had been readying some psychology books. I was serious about wanting to hear more, and I was waiting. Now, I can’t stop laughing.

    Well, anyhow, maybe I need to start reading the blog again Toothless Chuckle

    I’m so glad that you shared with us more about you. Testimonies are important. I know for a fact that in my own life the key is to turn to Allah and most importantly getting to know Him and the way to know Him is to know what He says in the Quran. It is our Constitution, so to speak. The Quran is our guide. In it is the meaning of life. People search a life time looking for the meaning of life, but it all it the one Book. It encompasses everything. It leaves out nothing big or small. Most of all, the Book is protected by Allah Himself.

    I too love the wonderful ladies here on the blog. Ummof4 is wonderful. You, Taslyiman are wonderful too. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve been with us for a long time and the blog has helped you. You have helped us by letting us know that your life has improved from being here. No one has an ideal life in that they’ve got it all figured out and they’re living the dream. It’s not reality. It’s not happening on this planet. BUT, we can be be at peace here and have comfort and ease. I can attest to it. Allah says He disposes of the believer’s affairs towards comfort and ease in this life. He protects us, helps us, guides us and much more. We can have good in this life and in the Hereafter. The Hereafter – Jannah/Paradise is the ultimate.

  • Tasliyman

    June 16, 2016

    Ana, I coudnt help laughing when you said you’ll like to hear more. All my “pearls of wisdom” will be found somewhere else on this blog. 

    I was a real mess when I came across this blog. I was at the stage where I had to make decision: accept the situation and find a way to just be happy OR leave the marriage. The rollercoaster of emotions was getting to me and I just couldnt handle it anymore. I was a raving lunatic to be honest. I experienced the whole spectrum of emotions everyday. Sometimes within a few hours. I’m pretty sure I was driving my husband insane as well https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif. He just had to say one “wrong” thing and that would be the end of happiness. Sadness, misery and feeling-so-sorry-for-myself would instantly appear and take over. The bouts of depression was making me a real miserable person to live with. Even I couldnt handle me anymore. 

    It was my search for answers and guidance that made me come across this blog (I firmly believe Allah guided me here) and I read aaaaaaaallllll the posts. I couldnt get enough of it. I dwelved into all the old posts because I just wanted more. 

    I was at the stage where I was ready for change. I was willing to do what it takes to make a change. If you’re not ready to make the change it’s just not gonna happen. So I took the parts that was applicable to my situation and I slowly started implementing little changes. It sure wasnt easy. I kept falling back into my old habits but I tried again and again and again.  Changes in my life were visible immediately as I became more aware of my relationship with Allah. And that inspired me to do more and more. 

    My husband also noticed the change and things got better Alhamdulillah. (So much so that he is now trying to change the dynamics of my relationship with my co-wife – but that is a whole different story…… )

    Wow, I take so long to get to the point. But my point is that all of the things I said in my post comes from what I’ve learnt on this blog from you and all the other ladies posting here.  

    What I wanted to say about letting go of the pain would just be an echo of what have already been said: stop blaming others for the situation you are in. Allah put you in the situation so turn to Allah for help in order to get out. I can only imagine how hard it must be for a first wife not to blame the second wife. But just as Allah is in charge of the first wife’s life, Allah is in charge of the second wife’s life and determined that she will be in the husband’s life. 

    The fact is that it really doesnt matter what the problem is that you are faced with, the answer is turn to Allah for help – everytime……. I didnt get that till I read all the posts from this blog. For all the problems the conclusion was the same. I find that so awesome. 

    I find it so weird when people get upset for something they dont agree with on the blog. Here’s a source with so much help if you’ll only be open to it. Who cares if someone dont agree with you on something. Overlook it and move on. 

    Please dont think that I now have the perfect life and everything is just rosy.  It’s still a daily struggle but I’m better equipped to handle situations. Just yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself because I want another child but the time is not right (according to my husband). Today I’m upset because I feel he loves her more. Same old same old, but I just refer back to old posts, give myself a kick in the backside and off I go.  If the negative feelings persist reciting the Quran does wonders for me. 

    So yeah, I love this blog, Ana, I love you and all the wonderful ladies here. And ummof4…… oh I wish I knew her personally. She seems awesome I just want to give her a hug. 

     

     

     

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    Sis Umm of2 I love it too. I keep going back to look at it LOL It the cutest little thing. :-)

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    Lol sis Ana I love that little baby swinging I just want to pick her up and squeeze her lol. So adorable. 

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    Tasliyman,  Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I love your post. It is beautiful.https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif Thank you much for sharing your story. You know I believe that you are in the marriage that you are in because Allah decreed it. He chose you two to be mates. I believe mine was chosen for me, as well. I believe Allah chose everyone’s mate for them, which is why there is no need to blame the husbands or co-wives. It only hurts us. It’s not easy to remember everything all the time. It’s easy to fall into the rut of placing blame where it doesn’t belong. When we do, we miss the point and we have pain and anguish.

    I agree with what you said about some wives who hold onto pain and don’t want to let go. I haven’t looked at it from that perspective, but it make a whole lot of sense.

    Some wives probably don’t want to hear anything that will help them. They block helpful information out because they are adamant about not wanting to accept that another has NOT hurt them and caused them pain. They want to wallow in the pain and continue to point a finger and cast blame on others. Such a person is in a hopeless situation unless she changes her mindset.

    It’d like to hear more from you about letting go of pain and what you’re talking about. I’m all ears…

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    I quickly wrote a post about what some of you were talking about regarding a wife wanting more children when her husband doesn’t. Maybe it will be helpful and serve as a reminder. We all have the tendency to forget often. Reminders are always helpful for us all a baby in a polygamous marriage

    https://www.polygamy411.com/a-baby-in-a-polygamous-marriage/

    a baby in a polygamous marriage

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    Jasmina I’m sorry. I know what it feels like to want more kids but hubby is not feeling it at the time. We must be patient and ask Allah to give us strength to accept His decision because it’s all in His control not our husbands 

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    Thank you Layla and jasmina. I’m really at a cross road. My uterus is aching lol. 

    Tasliyman, thanks for sharing your story. Very touching. I too was a hopeless romantic once upon a time hehe. I got a nice little wake up call tho 

  • Jasmina

    June 16, 2016

    Ana

    It is getting better and better. I have so much energy now. I’m loving my life and really making the most of it while it lasts and I make dua Allah prolongs this for as along as possible. My husband and I haven’t had a fight and we have bickered about the normal things but we laugh it off now instead of cutting each other’s throats sort of speak. 

    Ummof2 

    yes its me that wants another baby. I’m not sure how to handle it so I’m taking it day by day. Sometimes I feel I can be patient and try to convince my husband, he said he will rethink soon but he is good at stalling. Sometimes I get impatient and tell my husband i would leave him because I know I will resent him. I don’t have a solution but I’ve felt that I want his full support before trying so it’s interesting that you say that he didn’t want the second baby but now Loves her/him. My mom says most men don’t want more kids but once they are born they adore them. I don’t know. It’s a tough one. 

  • Laylah

    June 16, 2016

    Salaam x

    Those are very nice stories Tasliyman and ummof2 shukraan.

    Ummof2 my husband explains it to me this way because I always also wanted a big family. It is unfair for a man to say to a woman she can’t have kids because the span of a woman to have children is short. Whereas if he feels that later he wants kids he just marries a young woman, we don’t have those kind of options. 

    So… perhaps it would help to highlight that one for him in a nice way. Being a polygamous man, it should be quite understandable to him x

     

  • Tasliyman

    June 16, 2016

    Aslm ladies

    I am a second wife but I didnt reply to Patience because I didnt think she would be open to my reply.  She is obviously hurting a lot.

    I’m not saying this to be mean but only to explain why I didnt comment. Sometimes people are not ready to move on the from pain and hurt. They tend to cling on the things that hurt them and re-live the pain. They always find a couter argument when presented with something that can help them in order to stay with the pain.  Obviously I might be wrong in this instance. I dont know Patience or her background story but from her post I THOUGHT this is where she is and anything I would say would be  useless. 

    On the other hand we have heard hair-raising stories about how husbands go about marrying additional wives. I dont know how Patience’s husband handled the situation so I dont know what she is upset about: just the fact that the lady married her husband or did they keep it a secret and she only  found out afterwards? I dont know her situation so I dont know if I can relate. 

    So here is my story. I had close relatives of mine go to the first wife to make sure that she was aware of the fact that my now-husband proposed to me and that she gave her permission to him. Only then my family allowed the marriage to proceed. Even so it was still hard for her to adjust. It was hard for everyone. 

    It goes back to whether you believe that Allah decrees what will be. It was Allah’s will that I marry this specific man. I can promise you I never dreamt of being someone’s second wife one day. I was a real dreamer and hopeless romantic at that. So when this man crossed my path and showed an interest in marrying me I was as shocked as anyone because he just didnt fit the description of  what my future husband was supposed to be. According to me of course. I constantly turned to Allah in my confusion and asked for guidance and the more I wanted to get away the more I felt the answer was to not run. 

    So I took a leap of faith and I married him. I was happier than I’ve ever been but my life was like rollercoaster for the next few years. Extremely happy then extremely sad and yes – extremely guilty because of the hurt I caused the first wife and children. 

    Oh yes, the actual point: yes I did think of the first wife but I did what I believed was decreed by Allah. As for kindness and compassion – I believe not acting like a witch and revelling in the first wife’s pain goes a long way. 

    I would like to say more about how to let go of the hurt but I dont think Patience would be receptive to it seeing that I am a second wife and she obviously has a dislike for any women who would marry a man that is already married (even though it is allowed by Allah). 

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    Patience I didn’t reply to you because my situation is complicated. My now husband proposed and I told him I’d think about it. I didn’t have my eye on him at all. Then the second wife came to me soon after my husbands proposal and told me all these nice things like she does not mind if I marry her husband she would welcome me with open arms then I started falling for my husband. So in my case I didn’t take anything from anyone it was given to me on a silver platter. Of course I thought about my husbands children and have made it a point to build relationships with each one of them and I have. I love them like they are my own. Maybe another second wife could step in and tell you about whether she though of the first wife and children or not. 

  • Umm of2

    June 16, 2016

    That is the most absurd thing. I never ever heard that the only people to enter Janna will be the Arabic speaking ones. Sis Ana I was cracking up when u said she may end up there(hellfire) for misleading ppl LOL. Mara S sometimes you just have to laugh ignorance off. That is the dumbest comment ever. Congrats on your baby. 

    Sisters, I’m in a bit of a predicament. I’m not sure I think it was jasmina who wanted a baby but the husband dosent. I’m stuck in a situation similar. I have children but want more. When I first married my husband actually we were engaged and discussed children and he agreed we can have as many as I like. After I had my first the first wife also wanted another baby then my second baby she took it really hard. She hasn’t had children since I married but now I want more. I love my children so much I always wanted a lot of kids but all of a sudden my husband is saying two is enough. He had children from a previous marriage, then children with the first wife now me  I think his change of heart has something to do with his first wife but this is my life. What about what I want. We should make decisions as a couple not with a third party. So I’ve just been praying I’d fall pregnant. When I wanted my second child he was already not in agreeance because if the first wife but of course now he loooooves my second child so much. My baby sits on his lap all day everyday and brought so much laughter in his life. I am not worried that if I get pregnant whether he would eventually accept my child or not because he didn’t want it in the first place I don’t think I worded that right my heart is just heavy and in trying to remain patient. I’m worried if I speak to him he would feel like a sperm donor every time we are intimate but before marriage I made it clear children mean a lot to me. I know ppl fail to keep promises only trust and believe in the promises made by Allah. What do you sisters think I should do. 

  • Laylah

    June 16, 2016

    Salaam x

    From my point of view, from my experience, I tended to feel a lot like Patience. However, I have spoken to women who are 2, 3, 4 and come to admire them and respect their intellect and their judgement. I think this is really a case by case basis. Women all are so diverse. And how they deal can vary also. I would have actually liked to be able to relate to my co wife, however, yes I have come to accept that there is a reason for everything. I have learnt a lot. I really like number 4 and value her clarity, but maybe the flaw in me is that I would not have been able to recognize her value were she to marry my husband. I really don’t know. I believe that all participants of polygamy will be rewarded. It is a Jihad of our nafs  in so many ways. And if my husband’s other wife has wronged me, or my marriage by the circumstances in which it occurred, I need to trust Allah gives justice to all in this world or the next. Insha Allah x

  • anabellah

    June 16, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello All,

    I am up working, burning the midnight oil although it’s after 2:00 a.m. It just came to me. If I recall correctly some ladies here said it seems that I favor first wives when posting. I thought about Patience’s post in which she said things about first wives having to take the back seat for the other wives and how the other wives don’t show any compassion for the first when marrying the husband and stuff like that. It’s not her exact words. My question is where are the voices of the women who married the husbands 2, 3rd and 4th when the women say these things OR am I the one who is suppose to come to your defense. If you don’t make your voices heard then how is anyone suppose to know what you think or feel? I can’t wear all the hats around here.

    I’m not going to address Patience because I believe she’s been here before, talking the same rhetoric over a year or more ago. I don’t have time to repeat myself. What I said back then hasn’t changed.

    Patience, about you saying it’s not that easy to get to steppin as I said. Who are you telling? I know it. It’s not. It’s why I said it. I know a person is not going to do anything or go anywhere until Allah decrees it. I was just saying to those who believe they have all this free will – then USE IT. You don’t use it because you can’t – unless Allah wills it.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Where in Quran does it say that only Arab speaking people will be in Jannah, anyhow? SMH

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Marah S,

    Congrats on your baby, mama :-)

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Mara S,

    I thought you were in your forties, too. You’re only in your twenties- get out of town Lol.

    Good for you that you were able to hold it together when that ignoramus said you’re not going to Jannah because you don’t speak Arabic. She msy not get there for misleading people from the path of Allah. SMH

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Marah S,

    I never much cared about who won the presidency until Obeeezy (Obama) was running. I love, love, love him, too!!!

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    baseema,

    you are too funny Lol. Gail do something about his politics Lol.

  • Marah S

    June 15, 2016

    I love love love President Obama! I really wish he could stay longer. I always had a bit of a leaning towards the Republican Party until these last four years. Obama totally switched me over. I have a lot of respect for that man I seriously admire his wife as well.p, she’s such a smart and inspiring woman.

    Thanks everyone for the advice: I think you’re all right it’s normal for marriage to be cold at times. Gail you made me giggle because I’m only in my early 20’s but sometimes I feel like I’m 40. I think my hormones are making me overthink things as well. I think I will try some of the things you all suggested, date nights, or just taking out time to be alone just the two of us.

    This baby is giving me a bit of a temper that I never knew I had, yesterday I went to the masjid and this random lady comes up to me and asks where I’m from, so I tell her, then she asks if I speak Arabic and I tell her no I don’t. And she says “that’s a shame you can’t enter jannah if you don’t speak Arabic”. I literally felt my whole body heat up, it felt like steam was coming out my ears I was so angry! I thought I might bash her face in, alhamdulillah I was able to keep it together. Usually I would just laugh at that sort of comment.

  • baseema

    June 15, 2016

    Oh God, yes, I hope Hillary wins and they both get back in the White House and then the U.S. will gain some more respect in the world! Imagine if Donald Trump wins? Omg we will be a laughingstock. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_negative.gif

    Gail, what a wonderful job you did raising your son! How sweet he is to take care of the baby and teach her songs! Now if you can just do something about his politics….LOL! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cool.gif

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Marah S,

    I agree with everyone else that marriage goes through changes. It’s not consistent. Sometimes couples are very close and other times they seem far apart. It’s the way marriage is. What’s happening in your marriage is not abnormal. No need to worry. It does help to spice things up every now and again to jump start it.

  • anabellah

    June 15, 2016

    Gail,

    I enjoyed reading about your family. So many wonderful things are happening for you. God is Great!

    I’m glad all worked out in your favor with the air conditioning. It’s so true that we need to investigate and not just take people for their word. Thanks for the reminder!

  • ummof4

    June 15, 2016

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all, (I forgot to say that last time)

    I meant to say painting the house in my last post.

    Gail, welcome to grandmotherhood.  The best part is you can spoil them.  It’s true about the DNA.  My grandson who is named after me has red hair like my mother – he’s the only red head.

    Everyone get the blessings of fasting, In shaa’Allah.  

  • ummof4

    June 15, 2016

    Marah S,

    There are times in a marriage when it seems as if passion and romance are gone.  Marriages go through phases.  My suggestion would be that you begin to bond again over meals.  If you eat together, make the conversation not be about studying.  that may be difficult, if both of you or one of you spends most of the time studying.  The conversation could be about the weather, the economy, politics, paining the house, anything except studying.  Then you could suggest that you two go out for a walk in the park or go to a museum, or go buy an ice cream cone.  Just something to get out of the house and be together.  

    I, too, am married to a man who studies a lot, particularly now that he has retired.  We have to make date nights/afternoons to make sure we spend time together.   My daughter is also married to a man who studies a lot, and they have to do the same thing.  The date doesn’t have to be long, just a couple of hours, as long as it’s consistent.  Once a week or once every 2 weeks, should keep the flame sparked.  

    As far as the sexuality issue, just try to relax.  If you know when you are going to be intimate, maybe you can write some sweet notes to your husband that day to help both of you get in the mood.  

    Everyone have a great day serving Allah in the way He commanded.

  • Umm of2

    June 15, 2016

    Thank you sister ana. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true. 

     

    Lol I’d love to see POTUS & FLOTUS stay in the White House longer as well. 

  • Gail

    June 15, 2016

    Ana,

      I am also caught up in the campaign this time more than any other time in history of course mainly my kid is to blame for that.lol 

       I am also so amazed by my 11 yr old and how amazing the little boy is.I told u I recently became a grandmother to a beautiful and sweet little girl named Olivia and my 11 yr old has taken his role of uncle seriously.He kisses Olivia nonstop and I mean nonstop! He sits with her and is teaching her the computer and baby songs and she adores him.I am also amazed at my Grandbaby she just turned 5 months old and can already say mamma and watches her own baby songs and stuff on the computer.I seriously have to purchase her own computer very soon as my 11 yr old has been giving up his computer to the baby.The baby is addicted! Her favorite songs are “I’m a little teapot” and 5 little ducks. It is so adorable to see all my kids and now the next generation.Last yr was such a horrible yr for me health wise but this yr has been so much better and seeing my family grow has been amazing! It’s very strange to see ones DNA in your Grandchildren.I say this because not only do I see myself in my grandchild I also see my exhusband who died several yrs back in my grandbaby as well.She got her curly hair from her grandfather initially which to me is so amazing.Ok I will stop gushing over my kids lol.It’s just so nice for everything to be going along smoothly for a change.

        Oh I also wanted to give some advice to u ladies with it being summer now.I was going to hook up my central air unit outside and called a tech out to hook it up well he proceeded to tell me that my old system was broke and needed a new one and it would cost 7,000 to replace it.Obviously I was upset what the crap! So I decided to go online and purchase my own unit and I ended up going with a scratch and dent (brand new) online and paid 465 dollars for a brand new 3 ton unit.I paid another 450 to have the tech install it and for less than a 1,000 dollars did the job myself.The unit is working great! I just wanted u ladies to know u don’t have to let people take advantage of u and we as women are bright and intelligent.Don’t let anyone even your husbands bring u down.Stay positive because u can’t do much with negative energy!

     

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    umm of2 said something heavy. People sit here complaining about the men and the injustices that they commit, but what good does it do? The men aren’t here to hear it, so that they can take heed. They aren’t here to hear it, so that they can make a change. They are still doing exactly what they were doing and living exactly how they were living, so what good does talking about it do?

    If the women want to talk about it to find a way to do something about it, it’s good. The women’s best focus on themselves and what they can do to make their lives better instead of speaking of some injustices that the men are doing just to vent about it. Do something that matters and makes a difference.

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    baseema,

    I’m with you on wishing that Obama and Michelle could stay longer https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifI think he’s incredibly awesome. I would love to see Hillary and Bill back in the White House. Could you imagine living there twice??? That would be phenomenal. Hillary would have good ole Bill to fall back on. I just can’t see Trump having a chance in the race.  It’s a long time for us to have to hear about it in the media. Sigh.

    baseema, I think some people may think that just because I don’t bash men about how they live polygamy that I am for them and their practices. They don’t understand that their practice of polygamy is no different than what men do in monogamous marriages, what happens in families in general and what occurs in life. They fail to understand the ideal does not exist because this is not Jannah/Paradise. Ideal and Paradise will not be found on this planet.  Just because we have a guide (the Quran) for us to live by, doesn’t mean that every person whether Muslim/believer or not will live it. It’s impossible. Everyone sins. I’m not condoning it, but it’s a reality. Allah in the Holy Quran says a Believer is one who repent. It means he and she will do things that they must repent for. Allah has created some people for the Fire and He has created some people for Jannah. The people will do what Allah has decreed for them to do that will take them there.

    Not all will believe as I do and they don’t have to. What’s important is that I believe and continue to.

    It’s all good.

    People are blinded because they are so used to pointing their fingers at someone else and blaming other to the point that they can’t see. They are blinded by their own desires. They are stuck and will remain that way because they can’t see how to move forward.

    I don’t know how people can sit about and find so much fault in what Allah has decreed. They can’t see the beauty in it because they so in tuned with the ugly.

    Men are welcome here. It’s just that none have popped in lately.

  • baseema

    June 14, 2016

    hmm, since most of the talk revolves around a man and what he does and doesn’t do, it only made sense to me to get a man’s view, but i can understand some might  not be comfortable with that….marah, my advice is make date nights with your husband and spend more time with each other…remember the early days and try to do small things to make each other happy…patience, you must not have been here at the beginning of the blog, because i remember ana being very upset in the old days, BUT fast forward to now, take the benefit of her advice, people grow and change and you can learn a lot from Ana if you open your mind. also, she has never advised for anyone to stay in an abusive situation. and there are women all the time who use the kids as a weapon, whether they are in monogamy or polygamy. it’s best if you’re in a situation to model good behavior seeing as how the religion allows it and the kids may grow up to be in the situation themselves. it will surely help them to know how to deal with it in a kind and calm manner.can you believe the wife of the terrorist drove him to the club? how could she? and now that little 3 year old will be without a mother and father because she surely should be charged as an accessory. so sad!

    ana, i think President Obama and his wife are the best couple EVER to be in that White House!!! I wish they could stay longer!! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_cry.gifdon’t get me started on donald trump! UGH he is wicked and i hope Hillary wins!!!! donald trump walked over the dead bodies with his propaganda and lies!! disgusting!!

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    Jasmina,

    When I said it’s just the beginning, I mean it keeps getting better with the right mindset and belief – it’s beautiful…https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    Jasmina

    Sister, stay positive. Remember not to oppose Allah with your desires and don’t make unlawful what Allah has made lawful (polygamy). Continue to thank Allah for all the blessings He’s given you. Keep moving forward. Don’t ever stay stuck. Keep it moving. I pray Allah continues to bless you! Love to you, my dear sister. You’ve come a long ways and it’s just the beginning :-)

  • Jasmina

    June 14, 2016

    I liked the post, I understood it clearly. Like all things in life some people are never content m, what’s the limit. They have a car, they want a newer model, they have a home, they want a bigger one, they have a great husband, he isn’t doing enough… Give me give me give me. I’m like this, I complain but there are probably women in worse off situations. TRUST me there is so much you can know about women’s rights, at the end of the day there is no way on earth to make your husband fulfill your rights given to you by Allah if he doesn’t want to.  So at some point it’s better to be content with what you have because Allah rewards you for it and it eases the heart and maybe Allah will guide our husbands…. Or leave the marriage… Those are the options, live miserable because the husband doesn’t fulfill his duty, or leave, or stop looking at what the husband isn’t doing right and just be happy and at peace. Life isn’t stagnant anyway, whichever way someone chooses to life it won’t be forever. ita our choice how we view our life, I think Ana wants to encourage us to view the positives and thank Allah and to not get depressed because our husbands are not doing everything right by Allah or by our view of what is right which may differ.

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello all!

    Thank you much for all your posts. Have a wonderful day and keep the faith…

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    Gail,

    This election is so exciting and interesting. I can’t say it’s the best by far because having the first black president was huge. I look at the nominees and I am amazed at how they’ve aged since running for the position without having been elected yet. It’s incredible. Being President may be the death of Hillary. Appearance wise, she looks like she’s barely holding on. I’m like daag, what will the one who wins look like in 4 or 8 years. More power to the person who gets it because they’re taking on a lot. It’s the most stressful job on the planet. All the presidents with no exception age tremendously. Obama is still handsome although he’s taken a beating. Sometimes he looks so beat down, tired and dragged out :-( Nonetheless, he’s still charming and coool.

    I can’t say it enough that your 11-year-old is amazing. I would love to meet him for a sit down and chat. I’m sure I’d be fascinated by him. It’s wonderful that an 11-year-old takes such an interest in the election. I know when I was his age, I didn’t care anything about the electoral process. I only overheard from the adults were saying about it and it’s as good as it got for me.

    Usually I try to unwind at the end of a day (which is usually after 1:00 a.m and now it’s more like 7:00 a.m. or 8:00 since there is no need to go to sleep till after Fajr), but now if the TV comes on, I only watch information about the election. I could sit and watch it all day and night, if I had the time.

    Gail, I love ya too, but let me tell you, sister, Hillary is going to beat your buddy Trump by a landslide. You hear me. Your buddy is going to take a huge beating. He may go down in history for being the biggest loser. Rolling On The Floor Laughing If I was a betting woman, I’d bet you on that one LOL

  • Fatimah

    June 14, 2016

    yes Gail I agree with you anabllah has always stood up for the rights of women in Islam, thank you for being understanding in your post and not accusing people who misunderstand a post written by anabllah a human being of not reading Quran lol. When I read this post and I read the comments I was shocked, confused, and a little upset. But she’s made it clear that what some of us were getting was not wht she meant. Some of us misunderstood the article, it’s very normal and common for human beings to misunderstand one another. That’s why I asked for clarification because it just didn’t sit right with me, nd I saw that some Pple were getting upset in the comments. But that’s okay she clarified and now I understand what she was trying to say. It’s all good, I love anabllah as my sister in Islam, n I apprciate her blog, I don’t always agree 100% but that is okay that’s how it works to live and socialize with other human beings p, people won’t always see everything the same way.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2016

    Ana,

     Your Welcome! I still love ya even though I assume u are voting for Hillary!Trump for President!! LOL My 11 yr old will not stop talking about Trump and how amazing he is and that lying cheating Hillary(U have to make the Donald Trump face when u say it).U have no idea how much I have to listen.Donald should hire my 11 yr old to spread his message! If it were up to my son we would have Vote for Trump and handing out flyers all over ice cream vans.My son seen Bernie Sanders flyers in a yard yesterday and he said why are those still up Sanders is not in the game anymore.My kid is driving me NUTS over this election!!!lol

     

  • Gail

    June 14, 2016

    Laylah,

     Marriage is a job like a anything else is the way I see it.What u put into the marriage the same as a job is what u will get out of it.I wish it wasn’t so hard at times but when u are dealing with a different people like in the case of polygamy it can become really hard at times and nothing but patience and sheer determination will see u through the hard times.I don’t live polygamy anymore but my husbands first wife was his cousin so it’s not like she is forever gone so to speak.It’s complicated but I don’t mind it.Everyone has to make peace a priority in their lives.If u don’t have peace in your life then the chaos will eventually get to you.

  • Patience

    June 14, 2016

    “Polygamy is a beautiful lifestyle… it can be fulfilling”. That maybe the case for some Ana, for those who it serves well, for those who have no children, for those whose husband is JUST to all wives, for those whose husband may favour them (whether intentional or unintentional). If that’s someone’s experience, that will influence their perspective. It is hard to understand someone’s sadness and predicament unless you have experienced it yourself.Polygamy is not an obligation, polygamy is not the prescribed way of life for muslims, polygamy does not complete our faith, not wanting polygamy for oneself does not make you a sinner. Polygamy is merely an option, an option when chosen ( yes CHOSEN as mankind has been given mind and intellect to make choices in life, good or bad, for which they will be held accountable for) comes with certain rules and responsibilities that must be fulfilled on the husband’s part. We are all human, muslim or non muslim, we all have feelings. A woman who feels possessive, jealous, bitter, resentful as you say Ana is not some kind of freak and self harming herself, it is ridiculous you insinuate that, she is reacting to a situation that she finds herself in. Some wives manage, some wives don’t.Blaming the mother for how her children feel is harsh. Being a mother (for most women) is about putting their children’s welfare and needs first, seeing them hurt is not on our agenda and no matter how a mother feels, she will do her utmost to prevent her children from seeing that. We don’t go around screaming and weeping our hearts out to our children. But unfortunately, our children can sometimes read our emotions even though we say nothing at all, the saying “we try to hide our feelings but we forgot that our eyes speak” comes to mind. To get up and leave a marriage is not as straight forward as you make it, “get to steppin and leave” is flippant, you obviously have no regard for the turmoil and indecisiveness of a woman’s thoughts when she is contemplating leaving, particularly when children are involved. Moaning, being sad and feeling bitter is a natural reaction, exerting patience when experiencing such negative feelings is a way of managing. But I agree if one is feeling so miserable after many years then you need to, either try and live in the situation you find yourself in with Allah’s help, or seek to leave. Either way is not easy, the fear factor plays a major part. I have for many years been back and forth trying to decide what to do, may ALLAH guide me to the path right for me and my deen. One thing I will add is that when they say you should want for your sister what you want for yourself and you should show kindness and compassionate to others, where is that thought and compassion when they are seeking or agreeing to marry someone’s husband? Somehow it conveniently slipped their mind, but suddenly when the first wife is getting in the way of her time with her now husband, suddenly the husband and wife expect the first wife to be accommodating, understanding and show compassion, the irony…!! Men will continue to seek subsequent wives while ever there are women out there who are willing to accept irrespective of how their “sisters” feel.

  • Laylah

    June 14, 2016

    Salaam x 

    Number 4 , Marah and Gail, you all served to clarify things better.

    Fatima I thought Ana was saying what you thought she was saying. Maaf for that Ana if you took offense.

    Marah, there is a story about a companion of the Prophet ( peace be upon him) who would devote his nights to worship and had no time for his wife. When his wife raised the issue, the Prophet ( pbuh) instructed that he regiment his time to make time for her. Islam is balance. Passion in a marriage can sometimes require maintenance. So initiating and perpetuating couple time is always a great idea. I don’t know how you ladies experience pregnancy, but generally, women are more attractive. Their natural attractions enhanced by hormones and intimacy is wowzer. So now is a good time for you Marah it seems https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam.

    Everyone, maybe this forum should be more accomodating to various views. So speak your views. I’ll moderate, meaning approve comments and possibly will jump in from time to time.

  • anabellah

    June 14, 2016

    Gail,

    Thank you very much for mentioning that all these years you have never known me to change my word. I highly took offense to being acused of flip flopping or changing my word.

    I think you are correct that men aren’t wired like women. Women tend to think men are like them. They are not and aren’t meant to be.

    Islam isn’t ridged. It allows for room for people to figure out their own personal issues in their lives. Fairness and justice is incumbent on all human. Each person is accountable for him or herself. People tend to want to lord over others.

  • Gail

    June 14, 2016

    Ladies,

     I read some of your post Layla and Fatima(sorry if I misspelled your ID’s) and Ana has always been upfront about her feelings about how she believes according to the Quran Polygamy should be followed.Ana would be the first to say don’t take any cruelty from your husband esp physical cruelty and she has always been very verbal over the years about women living separate except maybe in the case of an emergency but otherwise live separate so that u don’t have to be involved in listening to your husband having sexual relations with the other wife and to keep jealousy far from u as well.As far as all the small details of polygamy a person just has to use their common sense and know when to stand up and speak up or shut up and sit down(know what I mean) and everyone’s mental tolerance is different so in that respect a person would have to make their own mind up about all the small detail things like for example schedules,phone calls,money,hubby leaving early to go to the other wife’s home, etc… then u have all the arguments some people can deal more mentally than others  etc…

     I just wanted to say in all the years I have been on the blog I have never known Ana to change her words.

      One last thing we have all lived Polygamy a little different some of more different than others but keep in your minds u will never agree 100% with what everyone says so take what helps u and leave the rest at the door so to speak.Like for example Ana is 100% that wives should not live together and I am 100% that wives should try to live together if they have children with their husband.Some people will agree and others will not and that is perfectly ok that we agree to disagree.Also don’t expect our husbands to be thinking so deep because the reality is most husbands go to work and then think to go home and rest and eat and watch a movie and sleep basically.Their brains are just not that much complex as much as I have seen.So my advice is don’t worry so much about the small stuff and if u can let things go then it is better for your mental health.

     

     

     

     

  • Gail

    June 14, 2016

    Marah S,

     When I read your post my first thought was that u must be in your mid 40s because I am going through the same thing in my own life.I would tell u that marriages go through all kinds of phases and that includes being hot and cold with the marriage as well. I would say don’t fake it with your husband.I am wondering if in your case it might be hormonal since u do love your husband and your not really having any problems in your marraige.Sounds like to me u need to get your spark back in the marriage .If u notice yourself feeling that way towards life in general just kinda Blah then go talk to your doctor and see if they can help u out.

     

     

     

  • Number 4

    June 13, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum, 

    I don’t think the sisters arebickering about every little thing.  I think they are speaking about what is relevent to them.  This forum of “sisters” should be more accommodating to multiple views.  It’s Ramadan,  let’s remember that and extend patience and kindness. 

    AlSo, ana is strong in her own right,  so come on no need to pick sides and become team ana. We should represent the same team.

    We certainly don’t need men here in a woman’s forum.  They are not affected by polygamy the same way as women are.

    Allah knows best.

     

  • Marah S

    June 13, 2016

    On a different note I actually need some real advice:

    one of my friends posted today about her marriage and mentioned how much stronger her marriage has gotten over the years. It got me thinking about my own marriage. I try not to compare my marriage to other people’s because I know that’s how shaytan starts playing with the mind. My husband and I have a good relationship, we get along, hardly ever fight at all, we agree on most things, we care for each other, and we love each other. But I can’t help but feel like a lot of the passion has faded, my husband and I don’t share any hobbies that we enjoy togetherness, we don’t sit and just talk to each as much as before, we don’t go on dates, we spend most of the day in the house together but in different rooms. The longest time we spend together is when we’re being intimate, but I dont enjoy it and i find myself really not interested in sex, although I pretend I’m into it to make him happy. We still love each other but there is a disconnect somewhere and I can’t figure out why. My husband is already very religious he’s memorized the whole Quran and he spends most of his time studying in his office. I’ve been focusing a lot on my religion too and spend most of my time studying in the room, hence the being apart most of the day even though we’re in the same house. I’ve found that the more my love for Allah grows the less passion I have in my marriage and sometimes I just feel like I’m not interested in being in love and spending all my time with my husband anymore, it’s no longer a priority. This worries me because we recently found out that we’re expecting our first child. I know he feels it too. Does anyone have any advice about this situation?

  • baseema

    June 13, 2016

    geesh! women! we need some men in here. lol these women are acting too catty! bickering about every little thing, oh my zzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry Ana! You are right to let them go at it. Who has time for this? Is it a full moon? Maybe the bad news around the world is coloring everyone’s thoughts. It’s not usually so negative here! https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • Umm of2

    June 13, 2016

    Speak about “ambush”. I too took it as it does no good dwelling on what the husband is doing or which way he’s doing it. What good does it do attacking his character. He’s not here to read it or read anything here to get a wake up call. If we did for how long will you feel better that someone here that you don’t even know personally is on the same page as you hating your husband. Maybe for a few minutes until you sign out and dip back into your reality. Your husband is still your husband, he’s still spending more time with his other wife, the other wife is still pregnant by your husband and so on and so forth. What we say to you regarding your husbands shortcomings makes no difference. I take this blog as a means for myself and to remind myself of what’s important for me in life which is Allah. My husband Is not my priority  Allah is and this blog continues to remind me of that. Everyone please take the time out and read Holy Quran in your native language with commentary you will understand sis Ana much more. 

    Let’s remember Allah always and show gratitude for all that he has given us. There’s people right now sleeping in filth on dirty smelly streets, starving,homeless. Pray for their salvation. 

  • anabellah

    June 13, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are correct about what the post is supposed to be about and I thank you for summing it up nicely and making it clear, hopefully for everyone. Tasliyman, Umm of 2 got what the post was about too. I think she, you and I are on the same page.

    I was wondering what got into people today and if there was a full moon or something.  They apparently didn’t read the beginning of the post that site from the Holy Quran what Allah says about marriage – that the men are to live with women on an equal footing, house, cloth and feed them in the manner that they do for themselves and to treat them with kindness and justice. It’s from the Quran, but very few people care about what is in the Quran. They only care about their desires and what they want. They’re so into themselves that they can’t see or hear anything of significance.

    They went off into left field talking all kinds of shades of crazy.

    I can say, I don’t have time for it. I don’t have time to battle with people that I’m here trying to help, putting words in my mouth that I never said etc. It doesn’t help me with my faith. It sets me backwards. Allah says in the Holy Quran that when we dispute our power departs.

    I’m not asking everyone to agree with everything I say and accept it blindly. Much of what I say is from the Holy Quran and my study of it for the last 30 years.  I won’t sit back at let people jump all over me, putting words in my mouth and saying I said what I didn’t.

    Anyhow, it’s all good. If the ladies want to ignore what I’ve spoken about and want to sit around dissing the men and talk about injustices all day and night, they can do it, but it will be without me.

    Each month Insha Allah, I’ll make a post to begin the discussions, so who ever wants to talk can, and if no one wants to, it’s fine as well.

    I’ve got another blog that is under construction for the book and I’ll s  spend time over there on promoting it.

    I don’t need anyone to comment on what I’ve said. Just keep it to yourself and do whatever suits you. There is no need to have any dialogue with me about my intentions or anything else with me about this post.  As a co-worker used to say – Enough Said!  It was a wake up call for me…

  • Tasliyman

    June 13, 2016

    Aslm Ladies

    Ana please correct me if I’m wrong but I think the purpose of this post was to serve as a reminder that there’s no point in us dwelling on what we think men should be doing in certain situations. Feeling sorry for ourselves because we’ve been wronged won’t help us one bit.

    I for one was certainly going down that route and it was thankfully picked up by Ana.

    Also, what is perceived as the right way to handle situations? Whose perception of right is actually right. When a person is stressed out or under pressure their judgement is not always very accurate so what I distraught and upset wife would perceive as right at a certain moment might not be the same as what she would perceive it to be at a later stage. The same with a husband I suppose. If he’s under pressure and stressed out he’s judgement may also be out of line.

    Is there a difference between the right and wrong way to handle polygamy? Absolutely. There’s always a difference between a right and wrong way to do anything.

    What are you going to do about it though? And this is the lesson I got from this post – You turn to Allah. As with any other difficult situation that you are faced with. Yes, Allah has placed you in whatever situation you are in and Allah is the one who can take you out of it. So you turn to Allah.

     

    Yes, you certainly should speak to husband about how he’s actions is hurting you and you do whatever you feel you need to do to get out of the situation. Always remembering though that your help is going to come from Allah. I do not believe for a second that Ana’s post implied we should just do nothing and accept that whatever difficulties we are facing is because Allah decided we should suffer and that’s the end of it. To me it was a reminder to turn to Allah in your time of need.

    Neither do I believe that Ana’s post implied that men can do whatever they want and will not be accountable for their actions.  

    I do not always agree with everyone’s point of view on this blog and I think that is normal. But I come here often take what is beneficial to me and leave the rest. The good I get far outweighs the things I don’t agree with.

    @Number 4 – I am a second wife and I too have at times got the feeling that people  regard any “number” other than number one to be inferior. It used to upset me but I’ve now realised that at the end of the day it’s just someone personal opinion and it probably stems from their own insecurities. It’s normal for people to put others down in order to make them feel better about themselves. My personal opinion on the matter differs and once again it’s just that – my personal opinion. My motto in this regard: What other people think of me is none of my business…… (not really feeling it yet but I’m faking it until I’ll be making it  )

  • Ruqayyah

    June 12, 2016

    Search for another husband meaning I would accept divorce and move on. No way in hell would I want 2 husbands astafirgullah before anyone gets it twisted. I have some dignity ?

  • Ruqayyah

    June 12, 2016

    I definitely believe there is a right wayfor polygyny. Men should meether wali not date etc. He should be upfront andhonest. He should be loving and kind to all wives. At the very leasthe should fulfill her rights and be nice to her. 

    Women should be patient. We shouldn’t go off out heads and throw a huge tantrum becausehe is getting married again. We should endure the hardships of being a part time single parent with a big Mary Poppins smile on our faces never showing hurt orsadness.

     

    There is a right wayto do things and there is the reality. I know my husband loves me and he knows I love him. But we definitely err attimes and don’t do things how we are supposed to for a peaceful marriage, polygamous or otherwise. I feel aslong as both parties are willing to try to build a peaceful marriage and forgive one another for their faults then its worth it.. I don’t know what I’d do if my husband made it clearhe did not like being around me or favoured another wife. Maybe I’d let him be withher full time and I’d go search for another husband. . Who knows. I’m glad it’s not my reality alhamdulilah I wasn’t tested with that.

     

  • Marah S

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4, I find it really cool that you chose to be a 4th wife. I have a lot of respect for you.

    Laylah, my dear sister I’m glad that you have chosen to try and make it work with your husband, and have accepted that polygamy is his right. I think the next step is to leapt go of whatever injustice he has done you before. You say that you have been able to make progress with him, that’s great! But you have to also let go of those negative feelings for the way he used to act so that you can benefit from whatever progress you have achieved now.

    Hmmm ?  honestly I’m glad that she asked for clarification because I understood it the same way she did, I thought you were saying that Allah hasn’t set any borders that people in polygamous marriages should follow at all. That’s why I felt the need to clarify what I understood. But that’s good news that you do believe that there are some boundaries after all.

  • Fatimah

    June 12, 2016

    Okay but tht means that now you’re saying that there is a “right” way to live polygamy because Allan has give us specific rules just like Mara s said but of course there will be variation when it comes to fine details. You made it seem in your comments as if Allah has made no rules in Islam at all. I don’t think I’m the only one that is a bit confused by this one Ana it doesn’t seem like I’m the only one that was kind of upset by this. Maybe you were in a rush when you wrote this.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Basically you’re comparing oranges to apples.

    Anyhow, I have a deadline to meet with my book. I don’t have time to go back and forth with any of you on it. Talk it out amongst yourselves. You all know my position on the matter.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    The following paragraph of the post/theme should clearly tell you the subject that is being spoken of here:

    “Ideally a husband would have a desire for another wife. He would go to the masjid (mosque)  and speak to a woman’s guardian or wali and ask for her hand in marriage. He would go home and tell his wife that he has found someone to marry and has her guardian’s blessings. The wife would say Alhumdulliah and may Allah bless your marriage. She, her husband and the  woman who just joined the union would be on friendly terms, raising one another kids and loving their husband. He would be lovey dovey with all his wives, kissing each on the check and all else. He’d show no favoritism. They’d all live happily ever after. Not.

    Men do polygamy the way that Allah has decreed them to. The world isn’t orchestrated according to the tune we’d like to hear played. Allah who created the Heavens and the earth and all between decided who our mates would be. He decided how they’d meet, how they’d wed and how they would live. He decided what their lives would be like. He decided which wife the husband would love more. He decided which wife would receive whatever she gets from her husband. What she gets comes from Allah. The husband simply delivered it. Allah gives based on His measure and his Will and Plan.”

    I don’t know why you’re having a difficult time getting it. You seem to be the only one.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    It’s meant to read the husband gets to one wife late and leaves her early to get to the other wife.

     

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Fatima,

    What I am talking about is polygamy the right way in terms of how the man meets the woman; when he tells his first wife that he will marry; what time he arrives at her home and things of that nature. Women complain that the one wife works and the other doesn’t and it’s an injustice. I’m speaking of the things that women frequently complain about. They complain that the one wife is late getting to her and leaves early etc. Many wives want it spelled out so that a there are no injustices in terms of those type of things.

    Of course all that I said before about separate dwellings for the wives etc are still the same. There is no contradiction.

  • Fatimah

    June 12, 2016

    wait now I’m confused Ana. u are now saying that allah has not set any guidelines for Muslims when in polygamous marriages. But I specifically remember you making statements tht contradict this. I have learned so many things from you since I’ve been reading here including guidelines in Islamic polygamy like a man should spend on his wives as fair as possible, and divide time equally, and they should live Seperate, and many other things, these are all things I have learned from YOU!. Now you are saying that none of these guidelines are real and that there are no guidelines. Now you have changed your mind? I still have a sticky note on my mirror now from a statement that you made to a sister who used to write here a long while ago, you and another writer agreed that some of the things tht were happening in her marriage wer contradictory to the rules Allah has set on polygamy and then you said “Allah tells us to do things for a reason, and it’s for our own protection” I wrote this statement down on sticky note because it made a lot of sense to me and the sisters situation was very similar to my own situation I put it on my mirror and it’s still on my mirror. But now you don’t agree with yourself anymore, you’ve changed your mind? What about all the people you’ve been helping here to overcome the injustice that their husbands do to them and when their husband are not fair to them. Now you are saying that their husbands are not being Injust because there are no guidelines in Islam polygamy, if there are no guidelines then that means we don’t have Any rights. Now you are saying that all the rights that Allan given us in polygamy do not truly exist. If there are no guidelines and there are no rights then there is no hope. Men can do whatever they want whenever they want following their own desires because there are no boundaries for them to follow? I’m sriousky confused. Please please please clarify because I’m a bit upset

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You worded your post so eloquently; it’s beautiful. What you said brought tears to my eyes. I believe too that polygamy could be a blessing. I think it does protect a wife from shirk. A woman’s whole perspective on life can change when she is in a polygamous marriage. She knows that her husband hasn’t made her his priority because he has more than her as a wife. I believe there is a conflict of interest in that the husband can’t look out for all the wives interest. She best look out for her own and turn her attention to Allah for His help, guidance and protection. A husband is not always there when he’s polygamous. It requires a lot of turning to Allah when the husband is polygamous and it makes her stronger in faith. I definitely believe polygamy could help a woman stay far away from shirk. Many people commit it without even knowing it.

    I think there are so many blessings to be had for being in a polygamous marriage, especially when it comes to purification of the soul.

    You made an excellent point about people coming to the blog and reading without knowing it’s purpose. All they hear are the sad stories. It would be harmful if people just came her to gloat, boast and brag. It would make many feel bad.

  • Number 4

    June 12, 2016

    ana,

    Let me clarify my comment on  prayer …,

    it’s good you are so passionate.

    I meant simply reading the Quran alone doesn’t show” how” to pray,  prayer is learned from the prophet (pbuh ) and then taught to others and so on, but the prostrations are not detailed so the sunnah teaches these details.  It would have been beneficial if we could have learned polygamy the same way that’s my main point. I think there is a reason for everything including why some things may not seem clear in polygamy. 

    I also think there are some instances where your comments refer to additional wives as if they are wrong for marrying men “already married ” this puzzles me because the site itself exists for women in polygamous marriages.  Women who come after previous wives  (staying away from numbers ) are still wives,  no more no less. I’m feeling like there are some personal challenges that you endured in polygamy and it comes out at times in how you respond.  

     

    Free will is a part of being human. When Adam ate the forbidden fruit he had a choice, of course Allah Knew what would happen, but Adam had a choice and he disobeyed the Lord.  Allah can’t be dependent on for us making bad choices that’s what I’m saying.  No one would take responsibility for their own actions. Allah did not make Adam eat what was forbidden,  nor did he prevent him, there was a consequence that Adam and his children pay. 

    Insha Allah I hope that’s clearer. 

    I admire your knowledge on Islam, I am happy for your creating this blog but I do think and it’s only natural that our deepest feelings are stirred at times on this topic.  

    I have no issue with polygamy except that some men do create their own rules and unfortunately too many women rely solely on men to instruct them in Islam and marriage. 

    Laylah, I understood your response earlier and I can identify with what you said about polygamy and having a voice.

  • Tasliyman

    June 12, 2016

    Aslm

    On a slightly different note I just want to add that besides being a test or punishment polygamy can in fact also be a blessing as I believe it is in my case. It took me nearly six years to figure it out but I finally got to the realisation that if I had to end up in a monogamous marriage I quite possibly would have ended up making my husband my world. 

    I truly believe that being married to a polygamous husband has protected me from shirk.

    So with all the challenges and difficulties faced I truly thank the Allmighty for protecting me through this specific marriage. I wholeheartedly believe that my husband was chosen for me by Allah. 

    And just because my husband is not my ‘everything’ does not mean that I dont love him or he doesnt love me. On the contrary, we have quite a strong bond. We support each other, work towards goals together and we care about each other deeply.  But he’s not first in my life. The Almighty is. 

    I think outsiders coming across this blog should keep in mind that people use this blog for support and advice when they facing difficulties.  We dont generally come rave here about how great our husbands are. I personally wont do it because I wouldnt want to rub it in anyone’s face who is going through a tough time.  My point is we dont just believe that all men are bad and we certainly are not a bunch of women who do not believe that romance exist.  We do discuss various problems most of the time as that is the purpose of the blog – helping people with problems. 

    Well that’s my two cents worth. 

     

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4,

    Thank you for explaining. I think many people eyebrows raise when one hears a wife married in the order of 3rd of 4th. Women have a tough time marrying second let alone 3rd or 4th. All that you explained makes good sense to me. Polygamy does give a woman a lot of me time, space and freedom, which is liberating. I’ve always enjoyed me and alone time. Of course, having a companion is welcome as well, or else it gets lonely. Polygamy is a beautiful lifestyle once one gets over the humps and hurdles. It can be fulfilling to have been in a monogamous marriage to know what it was like before moving on to a polygamous one.

    It’s beautiful that your husband was upfront and honest about the others. It’s refreshing to know there are men who don’t feel a need to lie and hide.

    Again, thank you for elaborating. It’s good to have you here. As I said before, there was another wife who married 4th here from Egypt. I learned a lot from her that helped change my view of polygamy and made me more accepting.

  • Number 4

    June 12, 2016

    ana…,,I accepted to be married not to be a number.  I have been in monogamy. I have been an additional wife in a polygamous marriage as he had married one before me.

    I accepted a husband who was honest about having 3 wives.  

    I believe in Allah but I also believe that he gave us free will. Evert decision we make isn’t based on our religion.

    I’m don’t  desire to be number 1 because in most relationships men are number 1 to themselves.  So no being number 1 is not a reward in my view. 

    I enjoy my days alone. Men bring an added amount of drama at times.  Also studies show that  monogamous married women have more stress,  live shorter lives. So noooooooooo, I most definitely do not wish to be number 1. 

     

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Good night. Salaam. Maybe you’ll feel better in the morning…

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Again, I don’t know where you are getting this stuff from. I have never told anyone not to communicate with their husbands about the injustices they feel are happening to them. I have never told someone to sit by and let whatever happens happen. I haven’t done it. I tell women all the time, what Allah says. I repeat what Allah says in the Holy Quran that when an oppressive wrong is done to you, you should not be cowed but defend yourself. I have recommended that women some women make there intent to leave the marriage because it may be best. It seems you’re not really hear on this blog absorbing anything. You’ll all caught up in your feelings or something. You’re taking your anger and bitterness out on the wrong people.

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    Dog me out? Low blow Ana I don’t tell you about my life so you can use it to mock me. Not cool….

    Anyway be that as it may bedtime here. Salaam all x

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    And there is a right way and there is a wrong way which brings me full circle right back to your post. Nuff said. 

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    I am not saying leave Ana I am saying that having Sabr does not mean that you keep quiet if you think something is wrong. I do sometimes feel like you are saying just endure whatever…. And I think that this is misleading.. in my case my husband would not have see N things from my perspective if I hadn’t spoken up! Standing up for your self doesn’t mean you tear your life down. Sometimes it is the first step in building your life back up and finding a right way Insha Allah 

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Who has told you not to sit down and have discussions and communicate with your husband about anything? Where are you getting this from????

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Did anyone here tell you to let your husband dog you out!!!

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    You are out of line. You need to figure out what is going on with your life and what you should do cuz no one here has done anything to you or are trying to force you to stay in your marriage or anything of the like so I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Laylah,

    You are the one who seems to feel a need for explaining that a woman does not have to accept injustice in a marriage or stay in a marriage, if she is unhappy. You make it sound that people here are telling you or have told you that you must stay and take whatever your husband dishes out. It’s what is confusing to me. Where are you getting it from? No one has told you that you have to deal with whatever you and his other wife are dishing out to you. It’s why I am baffled. We’ve simply given you ideas on how to make it easier for you.

    People get the wrong idea that just because I’m not bashing husbands and talking about what rotten low down dogs they are or whatever that I condone the wrong that they do, whatever it is. I don’t focus on the husbands here because they aren’t here and I’m not going to sit here all day and night saying what low down dirty scoundrels they are and the like. It would do no good. This blog would end up just like any other blog out there dealing with polygamy if it went in the direction of condemning men.

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    And standing up for yourself, wanting injustice not to be perpetuated does not preclude ordination. Why can’t it be ordained that you not be treated unjustly. I do not think that preordination means wait for things to happen and therefore accept. I don’t think it means we stop striving or that it is wrong, or that striving for a better quality of life isn’t also a form of Sabr. Ana you are being exceedingly obtuse on this point. 

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    Ok , gloves off Ana you are out of line. You have not read my posts properly. I am saying it a woman’s right to check her husband if he is unjust. Since you are referencing me personally? Yes I was unhappy with the injustice and I brought it to his attention. Not in an accusatory fashion, but as a couple searching for a way forward. He admitted he was wrong. And he finally saw the degree to that wrong affected me. If I had not brought it to his attention we could not have solved the problem and found a way forward. Islam is not some static set of rules. It is fluid, it flows through lives it adapts across problems. You don’t just sit and wait for stuff to happen. That’s why Allah gave us intellect. I am with him still because I spoke up and found away forward. I practice what I put out there, thank you very much 

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4,

    I hope you don’t mind me asking, but being that you believe we choose our mates and we have free will, why did you choose to be a 4th wife? Most women don’t want to be a 2nd, let alone 3rd or 4th? With all the men on the planet looking for spouses why did you opt to be 4th? On the other hand, I believe (not being a believer in free will and I do believe that Allah chooses are mates) I believe Allah determined it for you. You may be one of the rare exceptions, but I don’t think a woman would chose 2nd, 3rd or 4th if she really had a choice. Most would rather be number 1.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Laylah,

    If you are so unhappy in your polygamous marriage, why don’t you use your free will, stop making excuses for why you stay in the marriage and leave??? What’s stopping you. It beats being unhappy. miserable and complaining about it. you’ve got money, family etc. pack yourself and your child up and go. people talk about free will, but can’t seem to go anywhere because of some excuse they conjured up. no one here said you need to stay in your marriage, do why are you making it seem that we are advocating it for you. You don’t likr your situation, so stop procrastinating; stop blaming others and get to steppin – leave. What’s your EXCUSE for staying in your unjust, miserable marriage? Divorce is permissible. If your husband won’t give you one, go to the Iman, or Islamic court and get the ball rolling or are you going to not use yours free will and sit there, complaining, making excuses and blaming other. People have all this free will, but can’t seem to go any where or make a change in their lives SMH

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4

    That is very clearly put. Shukraan x

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    This world would be utter chaos and confusion, if men and women were allowed to roam the earth doing as they pleased. Well, I’m done for now…

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    I’m sorry for the piece meal posts. I’m posting as I read bit by bit your comment. Yes, we differ. You said we choose our mates. I believe Allah selected our mates.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Anyhow, I’ll limit my discussion about it with you, Number 4 because we differ in a major aspect – Free Will. I believe everything is ordained by Allah. I believe He wrote the script for everyone before the person was born and the ink is dry. No one has power but Him. No one Rules, but Him. This is His Dominion. He Contols the heavens and the earth. There are many ayat (verses) in Quran that lets us know it.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    ooops, I missed one – the positions to pray in are in the Quran, as well.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    If a person is being punished by Allah, the person will be unhappy and it is was ordained. If a person doesn’t obey and serve Allsh the Away He tells us the person will be punished, which was ordained and the person will be very unhappy. polygamy may be a blessing or a curse for a person.

    Allah says if a person follows their desires and make their desires their lord they will go astray and they will be punished. Many men and women in polygamous marriages follow desires and don’t listen to Allah. They will be punished. Yes, Allah is a Most Forgiving God and Most Merciful, and His Punishment is severe.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    The direction to pray in is in the Quran. Furthermore people learn prayer the same way everyone learns prayers. They are shown. It’s passed down. I didn’t learn from any Hadith.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    How to pray is in the Quran. The times, when and wudu, and the tone prayer is to be said is in it. Allah says everything that we need to know is in it. He says the Quran leaves out nothing . It is replete with knowledge. Allah says He needs no help.

  • Number 4

    June 12, 2016

    Salaams

     

    I don’t think Allah is in every plan ana. I think that men make up a lot of the rules as they go. I believe that women have to study Islamic materials and try to gain balance in it. If polygamy is a test for women then surely it’s a test for men. 

    I think that when women ask for fairness or say “he isn’t practicing polygamy correctly”, they are really saying they are unhappy with how much time,  perhaps care, financial care  the husband gives them. 

    Allah knows best,  not every matter is detailed in the scriptures, take b prayer for instance, how to pray isn’t in the Quran,  but we learn how from the hadiths.  We learn the correct way. Hadiths however don’t relay a common practice on polygamy. I think thats why some marriages look different. In some cases cultural beliefs prevail,  in other cases it becomes a man’s expectations. 

    Each couple has to find what keeps them together positively. And how Allah guides them to that balance. I don’t_want women to think that unhappiness is ordained.  Everything can be considered a test, but no one should be unhappily married. It also comes down to what women except. Some of us except all kinds of burdens and stress just to say we have a man. Allah made men and women, he gave us free will, he’s going to want to see what we do with the minds he created. We cause our own suffering too by not being able to make another choice.

    If a wife isn’t feeling that she is receiving what she wants from her husband then that needs to be examined next to what we can decipher in scripture with the husband. Sometimes the people we choose has little to do with godliness and we suffer for that.

     

     

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    Shukraan for the kindness and support, very much appreciated x

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    @ Ana 

    You haven’t hurt my feelings. You challenge my perspective of things. A lot of what you say is true, and hurts because it’s true. Does that make sense?

    Yes intellectually and as a Muslim woman, I get polygyny I do. Just emotionally is difficult for me Alhamdulillah x 

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Laylah,

    I like what you stated to Marten when you said, “Polygyny in its true sense is about protecting the rights of women and preserving the integrity of families. If a man requires another wife he doesn’t break up the family he has to secure her.”

    That is heavy. I never heard it put that way before. https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    @Laylah,  As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s funny. I was just writing to you when I got a notification that a post came through. I just want to apologize to you,  if I was way harsh or hurt your feelings. This whole polygamy thing is new to you still and you’re just feeling yourself around. I know you feel hurt and are in a lot of pain about how things are going. Stay tough. Be strong. You’re going to be okay https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Laylah

    June 12, 2016

    Salaam x

    @ Marten if you look at things from a Western perspective, what you say makes sense. However, a Muslim man lives within the governance of his religion. Ideally he is only allowed to be intimate with women he married and all of those women and their offspring are his responsibility to care for. It is easy to be a monogamous man in a Western setting because you are monogamous multiple times, sometimes without being married to or taking responsibility for the woman you are with. Polygyny in its true sense is about protecting the rights of women and preserving the integrity of families. If a man requires another wife he doesn’t break up the family he has to secure her. So it really is a matter of contextualizing things.

    @Ana and @ Marah you are right you can’t scream you are wrong this is how it’s done and expect a person to change. However I have found that in any situation generally if a wrong is done it needs to be broached in order to expect change. You are right it could be a punishment, or a trial whichever Allah knows, so I am not precluding asking forgiveness and striving for change within ourselves. However I am saying that there should be dialogue between couples about expectations and what seems fair, because like it or not the lifestyle of polygyny is complicated and can be emotionally overwrought for some. But things are easier if the husband who is the central figure, of which is different families stem, has the ability to structure things in a reasonably just manner, given that he is only human. The responsibility of a wife in this situation is to highlight if he isn’t, not to nag, but to draw his attention to it, even if the unfair act pulls in her favor, whose to say that isn’t Allah testing her. You understand? My grandmother used to always tell us the weakest form of Imaan is to acknowledge wrong in our hearts, after that try to rectify things with speech and the best form is to physically right injustice. I don’t mean necessarily leave the man Ana, but if he is unfair with time or support, say so, it doesn’t need to be an altercation! It does need to addressed.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Number 4,

    You mentioned something interesting. You said that divorce is outlined in the Quran, but how to live polygamy isn’t. I think it because divorce is a procedure and it’s easy for everyone to follow it. It’s a regulated procedure. It’s the same as when a man dies, he’s to leave his wife/wives a years worth of maintenance. When a man and woman divorces, he must provide for her on a “reasonable scale”. It’s easy to carry it out. I think it would be difficult to regulate polygamy and how it’s to be done because Allah determines what each and everyone of us receives in life and what we do. So, it can’t be outlined. Wives fail to understand that important point.

    For instance, in the case of Laylah, her co is young, doesn’t work and travels with the husband while Laylah stays at home and works. Allah decided it. The husband, the wife and Laylah are carrying out what Allah has decreed. All that happens is determined by Allah. He determines what each wife gets, the same as He determines everything, so there really can’t be any strict rules to apply for polygamy. With all the people on the planet, with everyone living different lives and prospering or not in various ways, it can’t be regulated. Each person has his or her own script. Those are my thoughts on it.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    Marten,

    Not only many Muslim men act like dogs, but non-Muslim males do as well. You make it sound that non-Muslim men whom you know are upstanding, self-respecting, moral men doing the right thing. They are not. They commit fornication and adultery on a wide scale. They have threesome and orgies, wife swapping, sex with transvestites, with prostitutes are pedophiles and do all types of abominable act. Divorce is rampant in the US. I don’t know what country you’re from. Men cheat on their wives in monogamous marriages left and right. Some have open relationships in which they can fool around sexually outside their marriages.

    Many men, Muslim and non-Muslim are polygamous by nature. They desire more than one woman in their lives. So, I really don’t know where you’re getting your information from. I don’t know if you’ve live a shelter life with your head buried in the text book or what.

    It takes more than just reading bits and pieces of the Quran to know anything about Islam. In fact, Allah says that He has placed a veil between the reader and the Quran so the person won’t understand what they read of the Quran, if they don’t read it for the right reasons. The Quran isn’t to be picked up to search for an answer to a problem like it a reference book. It’s to be read in it’s entirety to know what life is about and what is expected of us. The reason to read the Quran is to learn it and to live it. The purpose is not to read it to find fault in it or to discredit someone or to appear learned or anything other than to learn it to serve and worship Allah.

    Furthermore, there is no reason for a woman to try to figure out the nature of man and why he needs more than one woman and whether it’s inherent in man to want more than one. Allah says a man is allowed more than one wife and it’s sufficient for me. I don’t need to question His reason for allowing polygamy because only Allah is All Knowing. He says it allowed and I go with what He says.

    The ayah that you read about the 2,3, or 4 if one can be just, if not one, does apply to the orphans. It’s not saying that polygamy is only to protect the orphan. It’s emphasizing the importance placed on man to treat the children with justice and kindness because orphans are special. The ayat (verses) associated with the one you mentions in that surah refers to orphans. If a man can’t treat the children that are not his the same as he treat his then he should only marry one woman, meaning the woman who only has his children or no children. Orphans must be protected. Women can handle themselves and divorce if there are injustice done to them. Many children are abused by men who aren’t their fathers. Men can easily love a woman, but it’s not always easy for men to love another man’s child. We learned that on the Pakistan thread. Pakistani family and men don’t embrace or care to be bothered with step-children.

  • Mårten

    June 12, 2016

    Thank you for publishing even though I do not write from a muslim point of view.

    I respect your choices in life, I respect your religion and your wish to live according to it. I wish you every success in your efforts to do so.

    But I can not agree with your view on men. You say men can’t live polygamy according to an ideal, and women shouldn’t expect them to. In posts here men are described as driven by their urges, as polygamous by nature, as “dogs” I’m sorry, but nowhere in the Quran (which I have only read in pieces so please correct me if I am wrong) does it say that men are dogs, or allowed to act like dogs. Nor does it say that men are polygamous by nature or more polygamous than women. It simply allows polygamy for men, with the only reason I can find being that orphans must be cared for. Or have I missed a part where it says men are polygamous by nature?

    I believe men are just as moral, just as sensitive, just as “good” as women. I believe a child needs boundaries, and will learn to act within those boundaries. If all girls were told they were allowed to eat ice cream and candy for dinner while boys were told they had to eat spinach and liver, they would behave differently and the girls would most likely opt for ice cream over spinach every now and then. We learn to act within the boundaries we are given, and we strive to have our desires met within those boundaries.

    So, please believe my when I say I’m all for you living your life-style. I’m impressed by people whi strive to live a good life according to religion and who try to treat their fellow humans accordingly.

    But please, give men some credit. And maybe, think about whether maybe men would have exactly the same capability of living healthy lives on veggies and meat if they too were told that ice cream and candy were off limits. That maybe, just maybe, men are no more dogs by nature, than women.

    I wish you all a happy Ramadan, and a blessed Ramadan if I don’t offend by saying so, being no muslim.

  • anabellah

    June 12, 2016

    No one has said here that if a woman CAN’T DEAL with what she perceives as injustices in a polygamous marriages that she needs to just endure it and be patient.

    The advice about enduring hardships and taking the test, if it is one, is for the wife who is in a polygamous marriage, loves her husband, knows her husbands loves her and the only problem she’s facing is accepting polygamy and the trials associated with it. A wife has to determine if she is that woman who wants to remain in a marriage because she fits that criteria that I just described, and she wants to accept Allah’s decree that she is in a polygamous marriage. She doesn’t want to make unlawful what Allah has made lawful. There are some women who fit the criteria and accept that their husbands aren’t going to be there for her as much as she would like, but she still doesn’t want to leave the marriage and can still find contentment in the marriage and in her life.

    If a wife is unhappy in a polygamous marriage, doesn’t believe much, if at all in polygamy and is suffering in the marriage because she doesn’t like how her husband is treating her then by all means she should get up out of the marriage, as in make her intent, because she’s not going any place until or unless Allah decides it.

    No one can make someone be what they want them to be and make them do what they want them to do. Stick a manual describing his duties in his face, yell, scream, slap him up side the head, tell him all of what is in the Quran, it won’t matter because you are not his Lord. It’s what some people aren’t getting. This world is not going to look like what you want it to look like. It is what it is.

    A woman need to determined which category she fits into.

  • Marah S

    June 11, 2016

    sorry for the long message I’m in a blabber mouth  kind of mood. Layla’s. We can’t always have our way when it comes to other people. The only thing you can control is yourself. If it’s making you lash out in a way that is displeasing to Allah then stop worrying about your husband and whether he is fair or not, worry about yourself and worry about your relationship with Allah. If you spend all your time worrying about your husband and his wife and what she has that you don’t have then you’re going to be bitter. I know it’s not easy  but you’re wasting your time, you will never be able to make your husband act and behave how you want him to, he will only act how it has been written for him to act, if he and his wife want to drag themselves to the fire by being unfair to you then don’t let them drag you down with them by making you lash out. Deal with him how Allah has told you to deal with him and then worry about yourself. The day of judgement is coming whatever wrong he does and gets away with in this life then he will face it after he dies. That goes for all of us so you’d be better off worrying about your relationship with Allah and getting as close to Allah as possible before you die then to worry about your husband and his relationship with his other wife. I’m sorry if I may be coming off harsh I don’t mean to be harsh

  • Marah S

    June 11, 2016

    W.A Laylah lately I’ve really been in quite a trance reading a studying my Quran and one message I’ve gotten loud and clear about marriage whether it is polygamous or monogamous is that Allah has not given men any room to be unjust to their wives. Allah says marry 2,3 or 4 and if you can’t be fair in polygamy then just one and if you can’t be fair to just one then only what you’re right hand posses and if you can’t be fair that way then fast. Allah never says marry as many as you please and if you can’t be fair to them then it’s okay. And what does it mean to be fair, it’s in the Quran Allah has told us what it means to be fair. But that doesn’t mean that every man is going to be fair most Muslims today haven’t even finished reading the Quran even one time. They just flip through when they need an answer and don’t pick it up again for months and months. The husband will be asked about his behavior withyou, if he is unfair to you and ignores what Allah has commanded him with than he is only hurting himself. Why should he have polygamy? Polygamy isn’t a rewarded Allah gives to men who deserve it. It’s allowed for all men, but just like in monoomy they have a responsibility to deal with their marriages in the way Allah has said in the Quran. And in his case polygamy may be the very thing that drags him to the fire if he doesn’t start living it the way Allah has told him to live it. If you feel that your husband is unfair because he is not treating you in the way Allah has commanded him to treat his wife then, the first thing you should look at is yourself.  Allah says that the good women is for the good man and the bad woman is for the bad man and vice versa. Maybe Allah is punishing you and you have to change what is in your heart before Allah changes your situation. Or maybe it is a trial for you and it will be a way for you to either be closer to Allah or to be closer to shaytan based on how you choose to react. Just like anabellah said look at the wife of pharoh, she was married to a cruel man for the duration of her entire life but she accepted Islam and chose to obey Allah, and she will have her reward with Allah. 

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Yes, Laylah, they can do all of that. They have recourse. Why don’t they seek a divorce or leave. Oh, that’s right. They don’t have the money. They don’t want to take the children from their father. They have no where to go. Well, if he’s not abusive as in beating the crap out of you or such then suck it up since you (not you, but women whom complain of injustices) have excuses all the time for not being able to exercise their right to leave. They want to make the man be what they want him to be. Maybe he doesn’t want to be affectionate with her because he’s all up his other wife’s rear end. Maybe he’s not feeling the wife (feeling the love for her) or whatever. There are reasons and things he’s going through as well. There are such things as favorite wives. A favorite means something especially to the one who isn’t it.

  • Laylah

    June 11, 2016

    I hear you Ana, but if a man is unfair and you experience it , you are not wrong to be hurt. Allow doesn’t foster injustice and infact encourages that you stand up for a wrong being done. So as there is a right way with everything, there is definitely a right way for polygyny. Allah says don’t leave a woman hanging. My husband explains that you rather release her from marriage than not spend time with her, or not be intimate with her. Which means that women have recourse. They are not sacrificial lambs, have Sabr, they way he treats you is laid out???? Noooooo way no how. If he is just and within lawful constraint of Almighty Allah have Sabr. If he is unjust women are permitted to speak up, to seek council. Islam frees women, it does not oppress them, or allow their husband’s to.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    We look at polygamy as a test, but it could be a punishment as well for the husband or the wife or both. There are many who had forgotten Allah in the way they live. He has a way of letting us know that he’s in charge and He is no joke. We just can’t go about life living the way we want and focusing on our desires. Allah doesn’t like for anyone to give Him part-time worship.

    We don’t like this and we don’t like that. We want things this way and not that way. Who are we ? Are we mini Gods? https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    It may be the initial reaction to polygamy and a stage a woman has to go through, but I think it’s harmful to oneself to make someone else responsible for the pain that she feels when her husband does something lawful – engage in polygamy.

    A woman will suffer as long as she doesn’t own what it’s all about. It’s about her being: selfish, possessive, jealous, envious, bitter hateful, negative, resentful and all those things. Those are hers. They belong to her. She’s causing herself pain. Those are her feelings that she’s experiencing because he’s done something that Allah allows. So something is wrong with her.

    Many times the husband lies and hides in an effort to prevent seeing her go through what she will. It’s not right, but it’s real.

    Children won’t go through a thing if they don’t see their mothers going through it and hating on the kid’s fathers. How many mothers sit down and tell the child when it’s old enough that polygamy is a way of life that is part of their religion? If gay parents can tell their adopted children about it and bisexual parents can and polygamory people can, why can’t Muslims who live a halal way of life do it?

    We have to make an effort. It’s not about blaming a husband for something he is allowed to do, whether he does it “RIGHT” or not. We’re not their keeper. They don’t have to do it the way we think they should. They do it the way Allah wrote for them to do it. If they do something wrong with regard to it, they will account for it.

    If a wife spends so much time focusing on and hating on her husband and the other wife, it will only destroy her. It’s a guarantee.

  • Laylah

    June 11, 2016

    Salaam x

    I hated this post. It just touches too many sore points. It is difficult to accept that a negative experience is written for you, but of course it is true. Allah tests those that he loves to bring them nearer to him Insha Allah. Yes, there are generally accepted guidelines as Marah so rightly states. Perhaps whether a man implements them , or how well he does so, is his test. The difficulty I  think, is that if he is unfair, and you are hurt, you want to react and lash out! Why should he have polygamy if he doesn’t understand the immense pain it can cause and act accordingly? I think in the end, just as we have to be mindful of Allah, to act with decency too our husband even while we hurt. I believe that he needs to be mindful of Allah in order to fulfill his role of being husband to multiple women. You are right Ana that it would be difficult no matter what, however I am finding that, having been on the receiving end of some serious injustice, now that he is trying to be just, things are easier. Still painful, but easier. I think, justice reassures you that he cares and also that he is God fearing. Both important aspects to the continuation of marriage.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Tasliyman,

    Alhumdulliah. I’m getting the message loud and clear for me too :-)

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Umm of2,

    I love what you said, especially: ” If everything was so perfect how many of us would remember Allah or call on Him. A little? At all? We must thank Allah much. There’s so many less fortunate than us. A husband getting more than one wife is not the end of the world. Ask Allah to purify our souls and strengthen us to always make Him a priority always. All else is background noise.”

    All one needs to do is listen to or look at the news. Go to BBC news and read about all the suffering that Muslims are experiencing in the Muslim countries. How would one like to be migrating on foot or by makeshift boats to other countries as refugees instead of being in a polygamous marriage? I think about the 50,000 plus Muslims in Falluja, Iraq that are starving and being killed in the war today. They have no supplies and no food. They don’t know whether they are going to live or die today. Would one rather be there, enduring that hardship instead of being in a polygamous marriage? I wonder what the women do when they have their menses and they’re traveling on foot, by boat or are trapped in Falluja with no supplies. It has to be awful. Yet women complain because they have to share a husband and he’s not showing her the love that she wants and she’s not feeling good about herself. What does she think her test should be?

  • Marah S

    June 11, 2016

    AsA everyone, it’s been a while since I’ve written here I’ve been busy especially now with Ramadan. Congratulations on the book Ana I’m so excited for you.

    i want to clarify because I know that I have mentioned in the past practicing polygamy the right way. I do believe that there is a right way and a wrong way to practice polygamy, and for me that is not based on anyone’s ideals but it is that a man should practice polygamy within the boundaries that Allah has given him and fulfill the obligations that Allah has put on him to the best of his abilities. As well as the women should behave within the boundaries that Allah has given them as well. There are many forms of polygamy within different religions, and the only way that I see as correct is that which Allah has commanded. For example the man should have up to 4 wives, they should have their separate dwellings, the days should be divided equally, he should be just in the way he spends on them, he should be fair to them all, he should not be abusive physically or mentally, he should be honest to all of them. The women also have an obligation to be honest, kind fair, and treat their sister in islam with the respect she deserves, and not to try to separate the other wives from her husband, not to back bite the other wives, and not to share What happens between her and her husband while they are intimate. This in my opinion is the right way to practice polygamy because this is what Allah has clearly told us is the right way to practice polygamy. Within these boundaries of course there will be variation in the way people live and deal with one another. Some co-wives will be friends other co-wives won’t even know what the other looks like. Some co wives will raise the kids together others would maybe rather not see the other kids at all. Of course there will be variation as long as nothing haram is being done than variation is normal. But for a man not to be fair, or to spend all his money and time on one wife and no money and time on another. For a man to force all his wives to live together (especially if they don’t want to) for a man to ignore any of the boundaries and obligations that Allah has told him to follow then this is wrong and even though Allah has written that for the people involved it’s still wrong and he will be held accountable for his actions because they are wrong and if Allah chooses he will be punished. And the women as well for them to ignore what Allah has told them to do, then this is wrong and they will be held accountable. This is just my opinion.

  • Number 4

    June 11, 2016

    Asalaam Alaikum 

    it is unfortunate that there is no set formula for something so complex as multiple wives,  Men are not perfect, many are arrogant,  some are domineering and abusive.

    I think we should only accept what we can tolerate in polygamy,  meaning there is no script for women in living with a man who has other wives. 

    Since Islam does give men a lot of leeway in families and in society at the very least men should lead their families and society with a clear understanding of practicing multiple marriages.  Being fair is not the same as equal. I do believe that women have to decide what is acceptable to them as individuals.  

    Men will not accept women forcing them to be the ideal husbands that they desire. Women have to be the women that they themselves respect because there are challenges in being with a polygamous husband.

    So much is defined in the Quran regarding matters like divorce,  how to treat orphans and protecting property. It’s interesting that polygamy is not scripted, maybe unfortunate for some.

    Realistically,  husbands in polygamy marry often and divorce frequently. …and can trade women out like baseball cards and that seems ok.

    I think this is a subject that creates more questions than answers.  

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    I responded to Marten the way I did because Allah tells us in the Quran not to listen to those who do not follow our way, as they will lead us astray from the straight path. It’s their goal in life. It’s their purpose. Our instructions come from Allah. It’s why one can’t listen to her friends and relatives who are not Muslim when they speak of a polygamous marriage. We tend to listen to those who know nothing about our way of life but only about what they desire and what they think and feel. It’s not based on anything that Allah says in the Holy Quran. They are devoid of knowledge. One doesn’t need to hear from others how relationships are lived by those who aren’t Muslim. Allah tells us how the lives are of those who don’t obey, worship and serve Him. He tells us about people. What He says is the Truth.

  • anabellah

    June 11, 2016

    Marten, Hello

    I wish you the best in your studies. Regarding your post, it’s your opinion based on your feelings, thoughts and what you have been taught. You are not Muslim, so you couldn’t begin to understand Islam and a Muslim’s way of life. If you could, you would be a Muslim. No one is going to accept our belief, our way of life, our religion, and what we know as the TRUTH except a Muslim/believer.

    I wasn’t going to approve your post because I don’t want to begin to deal with people posting here about their views and opinion not based on knowledge that matters. The way I see it, it amounts to talking useless talk, philosophy, theory and the like. It amounts to shooting the breeze. It’s neither here nor there. Just like you wouldn’t follow our way, I wouldn’t follow yours. As it is said in the Holy Quran – to you your way and to me mine.

    The best to you!

  • Mårten

    June 11, 2016

    Hello

    I am a sociology post grad-student from Norway studying in Sweden. I found this site when I was looking for material for an article.

    I can’t but help wonder what kind of men you meet. You seem to disdain romance and romantic love. You seem to believe that romantic marriages are Hollywood make believe only. I can tell you, most people I know are happily married. In Norway and Sweden it’s a given thing that men do half the house chores (at least :) ) and stay home with the children just as much as mothers do. We have paid paternity leave, and I e.g. staid at home a year with both my children. I love my wife with all my heart and I am happy for her, for her career and her successes. We are absolute partners in everything, equals and best friends as well as lovers. The same can be said for my friends as their wives, our parents et.c. Sure, divorce happens but most people who get married stay married. And cheating is rare among ordinary people. Maybe the big city jet-set crowd is different, but ordinary people stay faithful and loyal to each other. I do NOT believe that men are any more polygamous than women. Men GET AWAY with more maybe, but that is another matter… To be with another woman is unthinkable for me, and for all my friends. I asked around when I had found this blog and NOBODY, not even the macho macho men in my football team say they would ever consider having two women in their lives. We are all so utterly grateful to have been able to find ONE :) And the thought that we as men would have a right to go off and have other women while expecting our women to stay faithful is just as absurd to us as the thought of voting Donald Trump for Pope. I don’t want to scoff at your way of life, but I must say that your view on men is sad. And they turn into the sad creatures you obviously expect them to be. 

    I just wanted to say that true, faithful love is out there. Good, faithful men who believe their wife to be an absolute partner and equal are out there. Men who only wish to make their wife happy, every day and every night.

    Thanks for listening. 

  • Umm of2

    June 11, 2016

    I keep reading this article over and over and it definitely strikes a nerve. Sis Ana has done it again. JAZAKALLAH khair. My eyes are wide open. 

  • Tasliyman

    June 11, 2016

    Thank you Ana for that wonderful reminder.  Message received loud and clear. 

    https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • Umm of2

    June 11, 2016

    Lol sis Ana when you were explaining giving an example of how us women may believe which way polygamy is to be done I was reading so fast like yes yes then you said “Not” lol. What you say is so very true. I guess I was just thinking any way but lying and hiding but you are right. Allah wrote the script. Men are just doing what they’re capable of doing and it’s so true no matter which way they married again the pain would not be less. We have to get the fairy tale thinking out of sight out of mind. There’s no such thing as a happily married monotonous or polygamous marriage, the perfect kids the perfect house and car. If everything was so perfect how many of us would remember Allah or call on Him. A little? At all? We must thank Allah much. There’s so many less fortunate than us. A husband getting more than one wife is not the end of the world. Ask Allah to purify our souls and strengthen us to always make Him a priority always. All else is background noise.