March 2015 Discussions

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March 2015 discussions

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March 2015 discussions

March 2015 discussions

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406 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    wife lover formerly maid lover,

    While I’m over here, I’d like you to know I really like this last post you wrote. It sounds so much better that you refer to your wives as first and second and not old and new.

    You sound so happy and it sounds your wives and children are happy, as well. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. 🙂

  • anabellah

    April 17, 2015

    @wife lover formerly maid lover,

    Insha Allah, please join us over on the discussion thread. This one is closed and it would make it easier for us to talk with you.

    https://www.polygamy411.com/april-2015-discussions/

    Thank you! 🙂

  • wifes lover formerly maidlover

    April 17, 2015

    Asalamualaikum everyone

    Thanks Anabella and other for the comment It will help me and my second wife to a great extent. I agree with you I have started with first and second wife. So no more old and new wife. You are right Anabella My seoond wife is grateful to me and first wife. She allowed her to marry me. I am happy. My second wife wants three children. Saying that I could have total five I have agreed with her on two. I think will have to agree with her. She has started to good care of me and kids. Second wifes in laws are good. I may take her father abroad for a job. They need money I love my second wife and first wife.

  • anabellah

    April 1, 2015

    CLOSED for COMMENTS
    March 2015 Discussions Sorry we are closed for comments. Please join us over at the April 2015 Discussions https://www.polygamy411.com/april-2015-discussions/ Thank you!

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    An important lesson should be learned for everyone out there who has ever said a woman who becomes a second wife signed up for it and should know what she was getting herself into. They say she has no right to complain.
    We have said NO ONE knows what she or he is getting into until in it.

    rabiabint said she always wanted to be in a polygamous marriage. She wants a sister. She wants to be close friends with her co-wife, but doesn’t know how her co will feel towards her. Now, we’re hearing a different tune since she’s found out things aren’t going the way she imagined they would. She’s getting less time than the co. Could it be that she thought that since the co is “OLDER” in her 40s he would prefer her (rabiabint) over the “OLDER” wife? Could she think that since he wanted her back so badly that he be dismissive to the other wife? We really don’t know what she expected, but we know she didn’t expect what she’s getting.

    The moral of the story is that NO ONE knows how they will feel until in a situation. Being in a situation, makes it REAL.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    People come to the blog and relate their stories, but as soon as they get real live feedback that is not what they want to hear, they get their butts on their shoulders,and leave. Well, I’m not here with this blog for readership. It’s a free blog and I have no paid advertisements. The blog costs me money out of my pocket monthly. I will speak the truth no matter what. I won’t bite my tongue or simply say what makes people feel good. If people find it’s not the blog for them what can I say…

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    @Gail,

    Rabiabint may have left the blog today on the instruction of her dad. I suppose she must be quite young. I too was a little taken back by her wishing the Hell Fire on her husband simply because he’s working and has taken a wife who is there with him and he would be there whether she was there or not. I’ve read extensively in the Quran about the Hell Fire and it’s no joke. It’s some serious, frightening, stuff that one has to read about to understand. It makes me cry to read it. It’s ever lasting with no end to it.

    What baffles me is that people emphasize some lopsided person leaning over on the Day of Judgement because he was unjust to his wives. A person who says such a thing must never have read the Quran. Islam is not about polygamy. A person who is unjust to his wife doesn’t land him instantly in the Hell Fire. A wife whose husband dies when he is displeased with her doesn’t instantly land her in the Hell Fire. There is a whole lot more serious things that are considered than a man and woman’s marriage.

    Committing shirk (setting up partners with Allah and making something or someone equal to Allah) will land someone instantly in the Hell Fire. Anytime someone mention the Quran with what they call Sunnah (Hadith) is straight up shirk. When a person says a person can’t have the Quran (the word of God) without the man made books (Hadith) it’s shirk. Rabiabint just got finish talking about shirk, so I thought she was clear about what it is.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    @Gail, Hey there you, 🙂

    All is going well with the hubz and me. Thank you for asking. I’m just staying busy, as well. Nothing earth shattering is happening on my end. The only thing that could rock my world is the death of someone close to me because then everything gets chaotic, if it’s a family member. You know me; I’m fixated on death.

    I’m glad you were able to stop in and give us a shout out. As you should know by now, I think of you often, and always hope all is well for you and your family. I am sooooo very happy to hear that you and your hub’z marriage is rock solid good. I love to hear when people I care about are happy.

    Check in whenever you get the free time. Don’t worry about not being able to keep up with the post. Don’t stress yourself out about it. I’ve been there with trying to keep up with reading each and every post and it could drive a person batty.

    Insha Allah, Mari2, will check in with us soon. Last we heard, her hubz was expected in from Pakistan last Thursday. I sure hope all is good with the two of them, and she checks in soon.

  • Gail

    March 31, 2015

    Ana,
    How r u doing i am soo busy this season with the business and dealing the homes and kids and school and Dr apts man oh man! lol
    How is everything going on your end.I am so behind in reading all the post I will never catch up.
    Hubby and I r doing alot better.I feel r marriage is back to being rock solid and we r actually enjoying r life once again.I hope all is going well for u as well.

    Mari2,I hope all is going well with u since your hubby come back from pakistan.I will try to find your postings and read them.

    I hope everyone else is also doing great these days

  • Gail

    March 31, 2015

    rabiabint,
    I don’t know if i ever welcomed u the the group or not but Welcome!
    Listen girl u said something that did not sit right with me to be honest.Why r u ditching on your husband and him having to work and u only get 3 months out of the year.Yes it sucks royal crap ok fine but why u like getting pleasure thinking your husband might be punished for the unequal time.What kinda of wife does that make u I wonder?It seems u r not being very understanding towards the problem.Obviously u getting 3 months is a problem when she is getting 9 but try to find a solution if at all possible instead of feeling hard hearted towards him because it doesn’t make for a healthy marriage in my opinion.I also think if u can u need to move with your husband if that is at all possible.These r just my random thought to your post hope u don’t mind.Don’t get upset just figure out a solution.

  • rabiabint

    March 31, 2015

    Wa Alaikum Salaam

    I don’t mind her being there what I do mind is knowing that he can’t be here for no more than 3 months and it urks me knowing that the time isn’t equal…

    I might have to leave you ladies… Because I told my father about this site and he ordered me to get off of it…because it can lead to fitnah in my marriage… 🙁

    With that being said I don’t want to be disobedient to him… And I haven’t mentioned this site to my husband…

    Thank you for the support and all the caring words.

    Ma Salaama

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    Rabiabint, I would never call you a liar. I merely stated what is in the Quran. I did reference the Quran. Allah says in the Holy Quran don’t say He said something that he did not say because it’s saying a lie about Allah.

    Unfortunately, I cannot turn to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) because he is no longer on earth. I must turn to the word of Allah, which the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) left us – the Holy Quran – the only book Allah says He protects from corruption.

    Rabiabint, don’t you know the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) doesn’t know anything about a Hadith?

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    Why do you think your husband having his wife there with him while he is working is unfair? Whether he has a wife with him there or not, he’d be there working. He has to make a living. Could you move there?

  • rabiabint

    March 31, 2015

    arrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and favours one of them over the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with one of his sides leaning.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1141), Abu Dawood (2133), al-Nasaa’i (3942) and Ibn Majaah (1969). Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (no. 

    One thing my teacher taught me is to becareful to call someone a lair… and always present the proof if a disagreement apoear.

    I believe it is wiser to say I am unfamiliar with such and such instead of say We…because you may know something that don’t know and I may know something that you don’t know…and the end is to turn to Quran and sunnah. But if you and others font follow hadith…. but with that being said there’s many verses stating Allah will punish those whose not fair or just. So to know that an unjustly husband will have to answer for it.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    If we are not sure what Allah said about something, we need to be careful so not to lie on Allah as it is a very serious sin. Allah does not say in the Quran what will happen if a man is unjust to his wife. None of us sat with the Prophet (pbuh) to know. Allah tells us in Quran to be just and fair in all our dealings. Polygamy is no biggy. It’s just like monogamy. Being just is next to piety. A man and woman can always repent and be forgiven by Allah.

  • rabiabint

    March 31, 2015

    Asa Ladies

    Well my husband dropped a bomb on me…I will only get 3 months out of the year of his time due to work. While his second gets nine well becuz she lives where he works…. and I told him that’s not fair…. he said no…I will come during school break also…it should work out…

    I was like whatever….saving grace is you will have to answer for it on the day of judgement….

    I got a lot I joy of imagining him trying to balance a scale on a tight rope while fire is below him for not splitting up the time….

    Wrong way of thinking? Maybe and maybe not…. it’s what Allah and the Prophet said will happen to men who are unjust to their wives.

    so you see being any number as a wife doesn’t matter.

    #tryingntobestrong

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all our wonderful friends out there in cyber space,

    Just a friendly reminder that we will begin a new post/thread for the month of April 2015, on April 1, @ 12:01 a.m. Eastern Daylight Time. Polygamy 411 welcome everyone to join the discussions or begin one.

    Love to you all!

  • Ariannah

    March 30, 2015

    Rabiabint and Anabellah, thank you for your post in regards to my question. It was helpful.

    Thank you Anabellah for the warm welcome here. I am learning some new things here and confirming things I already know by reading everyone’s posts.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @rahma,

    I made an error in my last post 2 you. I meant to say YOU and I have the same high standards, and have been naive.

  • Laila

    March 30, 2015

    Rahma, you have such valid point. People assume that it is always the first wife that has to be the better person. Why can’t all the wives be better and work towards that? That means having to want to maintain a good relationship not only with our husband but also between the wives. It does not have to be direct, but having the understanding to not ‘disturb’ after certain hours of the day could really do wonders to even the co-wives perspectives and feelings.

  • rabiabint

    March 30, 2015

    Mashallah and this is why Allah gave men the right to issue a divorce and not women. My husband let me have my space and waited for me to come around while he figured. His drama out without involving me. I pray Allah reward him for his patience.

  • Laila

    March 30, 2015

    Hello girls, can I butt in and say my two cents too?

    Initially calls was never an issue. I understood she needed time for adjusting to her husband being mine too. But after a while it got out of hand. She would call more than ten times and talk about trivial matters. Sometimes she called to argue and that to me was not fair. Because after the argument the situation in my home used to be tense and seriously, all the mood to laugh, and just catch up would evaporate. So, I told him she has to put a stop to it. So now we all abide by a general rule. No calling if he is either in her home or mine. Calls are only for urgent matters like accidents etc. But other than that, no calls or texts. Sometimes though hubbs would break the rule. He would text me late at night just to say he is missing me. This he would do because sometimes, he is away overseas for work and it would sometimes end up being my days. So we would not see each other for a week. But other than that, it is understood that we just do not bother hubbs when he is at home.

    I like rules as it is clear cut. Hubbs however sometimes tells me off to not be so regimented and stiff. He always reminds me that life is not about a schedule, rules and regulations. He always reminds me to give her face if by chance an emergency crops up on her side and tells me that being Muslim, it is good to help one another and not be so petty. Well, there are days I listen to him and there are days, I just know I am being taken for granted. But Rahma, she has a point. Calls in bed?! I think that is a bit too stretched.

    Sometimes I think all wives must just have a give and take attitude. You don’t have to like the co-wife personally but I think maintaining that attitude reduces a lot of stress, heartache and it is a deterrent towards pay back time. It is more of a empathy and having maturity and understanding. But coming to this point too takes sheer hard work. But it can be achieved. But if you started off on the footing of calculative, then, good luck to that family. My dad always tells me, a woman can either make or break a family. What is our priority? Happy polygamy relationship = happy family + love + meaningful relationships + beautiful memories.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @Rahma,

    I way get what you mean about being naive and having high expectations of Muslims. I totally understand. I have been there and done that and still do with naivety and expectations, but I think I’m slowly but surely learning and changing. Once I was helping a Pakistani lady resolve legal matters that she was having with her son. I let her know I liked Pakistan clothes. They are very pretty. I gave her $300.00 to brings some back from Pakistan for me. She brought me a back a bag of what appeared to be someone’s used clothes or some old clothes she found someplace and the clothes smelled so terribly of moth balls. I had to throw them all away. I’m like – how could a Muslim sister do such a thing to me. I could tell you a number of stories that happened and hurt me because they involved Muslims. I am a revert and learned as much as I could about Islam (and am still learning). I up until very recently believed Muslims are what they are supposed to be. I believe it no more. I was naive.

    To think your co has the same high standards as you and respect for you as a sister-in-faith, is being naive. You think others are the way you are. You think the best of people who say they are Muslim. I used to be the same way. We just can’t do that. We’ll get hurt, if we do. Why do you think Allah, in the Holy Quran tells us to INVESTIGATE. Don’t take anyone’s word for it that he or she is a believer. Don’t assume someone is a believer. He tells us the characteristics of people, so we can make a judgement call. Yes, we can judge people. The judgement is not on the superficial stuff that we see a Muslim doing such as smoking a cigarette, eating with the left hand and stuff like it. It goes deeper than it. It’s about belief. Did the husband marry a non-Muslim for instance.

    Perhaps you husband’s other is new to Islam or hasn’t been living her faith. There is still hope for her. We all begin someplace and we all sin and will continue to sin. I’m just saying, if you haven’t spoken with her more than superficially, you don’t really know her.

    I know it must be very difficult for you when your husband is not understanding about the situation. I still say I’d contact her and talk with her about it or just tell her. She may continue to do it or do it more. At least you’ll know she’s aware and is not in the dark. Go to the source. If she doesn’t listen and he continues to talk with her during your intimate, quality time with you, you may have to leave his bed, or stop talking to him or something of that nature to grab his attention. Take the oath of abstention or something. Husbands have rights over us and we have rights over them, as well. They simply have a degree more than we do.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I understand you that there was no divorce. It makes complete sense that if your husband didn’t verbalize to you that he clearly and firmly divorce you, he didn’t come out his mouth and say it, then it wasn’t a divorce. It’s why it’s said the husband should say verbally three times to the wife that he divorces her ( it counts as only one divorce), so she clearly knows, without a doubt, and no questions asked that she is definitely 100% divorced. She or he can’t come back, wondering what happened. It’s totally clear and understood.

    With it being in writing, presents all kinds of problems. What if the wife can’t read? What if she was given the document, but didn’t read it? She just tossed it aside. What if she didn’t believe what was written? What if she didn’t understand what was written? There needs to be a meeting of the minds. The only way there could be a meeting of the minds is if he speaks to her and clearly state he divorces her. If the husband says out of his mouth repeatedly that he and she are divorced, she should get the picture. She has no recourse to come back and say that she didn’t understand. In your case, the supposed divorce was in writing, which you see is the problem.

  • rabiabint

    March 30, 2015

    Shukrsn Ana for clearing it up.

    It is the husband he has to come up with the solution and time for his wives.

    Yes the other wife may not know she’s interfsring. Or she may that it is OK because because he never set up boundaries..

    We as women and in a ply marriage need not to blame our Co’s for matters the husband should address.

    I don’t think it would be wise if for the two to communicate about time. It could break out into a fight and jealousy can win.

    Maybe a conference call between the three having the husband be the mediator….just make sure he has a bottle of aspirin on hand….lol

  • Rahma

    March 30, 2015

    @anabellah
    I agree with you its my husbands responsibility to set the boundaries.
    I do feel anger towards him and I am upset because he is not taking my feelings seriously.
    I tried to explain it a couple of times but he just doesnt seem to get it.
    Knowing myself, I will not contact my husband during nighttime because I think his other wife deserves a life and private time with him. It does make me angry she doesnt seem to think the same About me.
    With all do respect, I think sisters in islam should look after eachother. We all know the hadith About you never truly believed unless you want for your brother (sister) what you want for yourself?
    That doesnt only go for the first wife, but for every wife who joins an existing family.
    Maybe im just too naïeve and my expectations too high.
    Allah knows

  • rabiabint

    March 30, 2015

    Asa Ariannah

    What is fair between the wives is his time and income. And that’s between him and his wives. For example: I have my career, my home and my car. I don’t need him to provide those thing for me but bills I the home we agree he can contribute to them. Inshallah he will come and spend time with me when school vacation comes up and when school start he will return to number 2 because his job is overseas where she lives.

    in all honesty what us fair is what the couples agree upon and how he extend himself

    Allah Alim

    bBu

  • rabiabint

    March 30, 2015

    @Rahma

    I can’t remember when I said a co wife can do as she pleases. Please tell me were I said that.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2015

    Rahma,

    Rabiabint nor I dismissed your feelings, we simply said it’s your husband who needs to get his other wife in check about the matter or you need to do it. You talk to her. Some wives here don’t talk to the other wives. Tell her how you feel or simply tell her not to call during those times. She may not know there is anything wrong when she calls because her husband talks to her. Maybe he wants to talk to her, although he knows you get upset. He doesn’t care.

    You, yourself said your husband thinks you are overreacting. If he thinks you’re over reacting, your problem is with your husband. He’s the one who is dismissive of you. As long as he dismisses how you feel, he’ll continue to speak with her on the phone when in bed with you because he frankly doesn’t care that it’s affecting you.

    Even if you are jealous, which is a part of it, he should still acknowledge that her calls during that time disrupts your peace, and is upsetting to you. It’s on him to put a stop to it by not answering the phone. He can’t make her stop calling, but he can turn his phone off. He can refuse to take the calls.

    It goes back to the woman blaming everything on the other wife and refuse to see that her husband is part of the problem, as well.

  • rabiabint

    March 30, 2015

    @anabellah

    After speaking to my husband about the talaq- He said I never said it to you. though I written it… I just written it for you… there was no intention.
    So I was like “Immmm so that means…

    “We were never divorced…” But we were separated. Allahu Allim… Now all I could think is OMG- He has some sins to answer for on my behalf…Subhananllah.

    It made sense why he felt the need to tell me about his new wife as soon as possible and that he mentioned she was whom I wanted him to wed.
    Mashallah

  • Rahma

    March 30, 2015

    @ummof4
    May Allah reward you for your useful advice. To be honest it made me feel a lot better having somebody actually recognising my feelings about the communicating in other wife’s time.
    Hubby seems to think im overreacting and I need to control my jealous feelings; that only makes things worse.
    No matter what couples decide on time-sharing, I feel it’s EVERY wife’s right to have private time (as ummof4 calls it ) with hubby without other wife/wives interfering whenever they please.
    @rabiabint I dont completely agree with you regarding co doing whatever she pleases. Hubby must be the one setting the boundaries, I agree, but especially if she is a Muslim who fears Allah, the least I expect from her is a minimal of respect for other peoples private time.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2015

    Ariannah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think you are new here, so I’d like to welcome you on behalf of myself and all the blog family members here.

    I’m in a bit of a hurry, so my answer to you will be quick. Insha Allah, I’ll check in periodically to see if anyone else respond and approve the comment, while I’m awake.

    No, he does not have to provide a house for her the same size as the other wife or wives. It’s not an easy question to answer because there are so many variable to consider. A husband may have been married to his wife for 40 years such as the case with our sister here, “Ummof4”. When he married the other wife, he didn’t have to give her all that he gave Ummof4.

    When a new potential wife comes on the scene, he and she discuss what the conditions will be and whether she is willing to accept those conditions or not. She can refuse the marriage if she doesn’t like the conditions.

    Maybe the first wife has a house and the potential wife has an apartment. He could agree to pay the rent on her apartment. If he can’t afford to pay the rent, she may agree that he pay some of the rent or some other bills. He doesn’t have to get her a house. It all depends on what the newcomers agree on, and what he can afford.

    Some people think it’s a dollar for a dollar. Does it mean if the husband buys his one wife a refrigerator, he’d have to buy the other wife a refrigerator although she already has one. So, she’ll have two refrigerators? Does it mean he has to give the other wife the amount the refrigerator cost? A husband could spend money getting a wife a refrigerator and get the other wife nothing, but when her washer or dryer breaks down several months from then buy her what she needs – the washer and dryer.

    One has to be mindful that a person is only going to get what Allah has decreed for the person to get. She will get no more and no less. It’s not the husband and the wife determining it; although it appears that way. It’s all an illusion. Maybe Allah wants more for one wife than the other. Allah gives us all that we receive. It’s Allah who is calling the shots. We don’t always know why Allah give people what they receive. He tells us some of the reasons He give people what they receive.

    There is no easy answer as to what is “just and fair”. It’s all relative. Those are my 2cents about the matter.

  • Ariannah

    March 29, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,
    I have a question. When a man marries a second wife, or 3,4. What is required of him as far as being fair ? Does he have to provide a house the same size to all his wives? I know he is supposed to share his time equally.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2015

    I care about whether Allah loves me. Allah’s love is what matters.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2015

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I believe it’s a form of shirk (giving Allah a partner or making someone or something equal to Allah)when a woman or man feels or thinks she or he can’t live without the other or even can’t stop thinking of the other. The feeling probably intensify when the husband marries another or tells the wife that he is considering it.

    It’s shirk because Allah tells us that our living, our dying, our prayers and our sacrifice should all be for Him – Allah. If any of those are for a spouse, child or anyone else. It’s shirk. People worship their children and spouses. Allah created us to worship Him. Allah lets us know that shirk is subtle. We could be committing it without even knowing it. He tells us out of mutual love for one another we commit shirk – there it is – love of a spouse.

    I believe a test for us is our thoughts. Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing without doubt. All anyone has to do is look at his or her thoughts and if the thoughts are not about Allah, it’s a problem. Some people never remember Allah unless in a predicament.

    Polygamy could be good for many women who are meant to be believers because polygamy is a wake up call. It lets a woman know what her faults are. She learns she has a diseased heart. We cannot enter Paradise with a diseased heart full of jealousy, envy, hatred, rancor, bitterness, anger, and selfishness etc. It’s one reason polygamy is a beautiful thing. It can help a woman get her heart right .

    rabiabint, I’m exactly like you with “WHATEVER”. My husband is not that important to me. I love my husband because Allah has placed that love for him in my heart. I treat him kindly and I’m nice to him because we are supposed to be kind and nice to people who do not fight us for our faith. I treat him good to obtain barakats (blessings) so I could enter Jannah/Paradise. I no longer care whether he loves me or not. I have no reason to doubt that he loves me, but I just don’t really care.

  • rabiabint

    March 29, 2015

    As Salaamualaikum

    Do any of you feel that if a woman cannot accept polygamy when entering a marriage she’s on the verge of committing minor shirk? As in He’s all mine. I will just die if he married someone else….I can’t live without him…etc

    I ask this only because I feel all those types of feelings should be geared to Allah and not to a man.

    When I first got married n we went through our problems…. I surrounded myself with Him in mind. And when we separated I was a wreck…and I had a realization that I could have been committing minor shirk because I wanted to be

    Now after time has passed I’m like whatever.

  • ummof4

    March 29, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Wives lover, it is good to hear from you. As Ana said, please refer to your wives as first and second or new wife an other wife. No woman wants to be called, “the old wife.”

    Rahma, once my husband was married to a wife who lived far from us. He spent more time with me than with her, but that was their arrangement when they married. We set a time for communication on both ends. It did not matter that there was a 6 hour time difference. From 8:00 PM (20:00 hours) to 6:00 AM (6:00 hours) was considered the private time with whichever wife he was with. The other wife could not communicate with him in any form (text, call, email, facebook, skype, etc.) during this private time. Our husband could also not communicate in any form with his other wife during this private time. That worked well for us. We all knew that we had a specific time to communicate with each other and kept to the time schedule. The only exception, of course, was an extreme emergency, like a major accident, illness, etc. You might want to give this a try. I agree, no wife likes to hear or see her husband expressing his love and talking in a private fashion with his other wife. If my husband was communicating with his other wife when I was at home and it was not our private time, I would just go to another room so I could not hear their conversation. If your home is too small to move to another room, maybe your husband could take his computer (if he has a laptop) and go somewhere else to talk to his other wife.

    Sometimes men do not understand that if we as wives are okay with polygyny, it does not mean that we want to hear or see them with their other wife all the time.
    So please let your husband know how you feel and try to work out a communicatron schedule that works for everyone.

    Everyone have a good week being Muslim and obeying Allah (SWT)

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2015

    @Rahma, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I don’t think there are very many people here dealing with theory when it comes to polygamy. Most are living polygamy. It’s real life.

    I totally get how you are feeling and how annoyed, frustrated and angry you must be that your husband’s other wife is interfering with the quality, intimate time you want to have with your husband. I agree with rabiabint that your husband is more at fault than the other wife for the interference. Your husband entertains the other wife’s conversations. He picks up the phone and chit, chats with her.

    It is on him to tell her when she should call and shouldn’t. If she doesn’t listen, he then should not answer her calls. He should establish with her what times are off limits for her to call unless it’s an absolute emergency.

    You said you speak with her, so you, yourself, could ask her to layoff the calls because many times when she calls you’re in bed with your husband. Paint the picture for her so she has no uncertainty of what you’re talking about.

    You are probably more composed when it comes to situations such as it than I am. By time I got finished with my husband and her, my husband wouldn’t dream of answering a phone call from her when she calls off hours. Some men don’t want to and can’t deal with the drama. They get the situation in check when they don’t want to deal with crazy.

    Still, the bottom line is, it’s your husband’s problem and not the chick’s. Many co wives don’t give a hoot about the other. It depends on the co s. Many men marry any woman for any reason and they won’t all get along, unless they all have singleness of purpose.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2015

    @maid lover, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear everything is going well with you, your wives, and children. maid lover, do you and your two wives live together in the same home? I asked because you said you sometimes feel a need to live separately. The wife you just recently married seems very accommodating and kind.

    Sometimes what we do shapes who we are. Having an occupation such as your wife who was the maid, having worked to take care of the home and people along with coming from a family that probably had little means (which is why I assume she worked as a maid) probably makes it fairly easy for her to fit into a family such as yours. The marriage was probably very beneficial for her in that it elevated her lifestyle. She sounds to be very grateful and a very nice person in that she wants to co-exist with your other wife; she feels no need to separate from her.

    I think you are doing good in that you want to care for both wives’ feelings, not one over the other. I would suggest that if you want to keep referring to the wife you just married as the “new wife”, you refer to your other wife as your “other” wife. It would probably make your other wife, you, and those of us reading here feel better. When I hear you say your old wife, it reminds me of an old shoe that you’re ready to replace with a new pair, something you just toss in the corner, for instance. It sounds like something you’re about ready to throw out. You’re speaking to women here, some of whom married their husbands first. It may rub some the wrong way to think you view your wife – who stuck with you through thick and thin and remained with you while you pursued the maid and married her – as an “old wife”. If you could find it in your heart to refer to her as the other wife, it may come across better, and may make you feel better about her 🙂

  • rabiabint

    March 29, 2015

    @Rahma

    Your co is only doing what your husband allow. Sister share your feelings with you husband..if they communicate at. Night ask him to do it in the other room.Communication is key.

    Your husband should show you more respect. Talking to her in bed with you is rude on his part.

    Tests not being fair to neither of you. Subhannallah sharing time doesn’t only been face to face but its the whole thing. You too are in bed…he should pay attention too you. The co must understand that.

  • maid lover to wives lover

    March 29, 2015

    Asalamualaikum to everyone

    I m sorry I left a long gap. Got married to the maid last month.after honeymoon we came back. Now I love both my wife’s. I am happy it was much needed. Marriage it has brought back that I was missing .I m happy with my new wife. I love my old wife and kids. I sometimes feel I need to have seperate life with my new wife. I asked she told me she love that but would like to do exist with my old wife. So nice things feel into place. Nowadays I don’t think much about my old wife feelings I have to take care of both.My children started to like her even better.Now enjoying life with my new wife.your comments welcomed.

  • Rahma

    March 29, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all,

    Thank you sisters for your thoughts.
    I am completely aware about the time-sharing responsibility which is on my husband but thing is, it actually seems more complicated in real life than in theory.
    While he is with me I have no problem with them two communicating..it’s just the timing..they seem to prefer to communicate at night because according to hubby he doesn’t have time to talk to her during daytime.
    Thats not my problem though. My problem is them two contacting each other when I’m actually in bed with hubby, i just can’t stand the sight of it and I think its a lack of respect from both of them towards me.
    Trying to accept a cowife is one thing, having to deal with her even in the privacy of my own bedroom is something else. It makes me angry, lonely and sad, why do people want to hurt others like that?
    @rabiabint, we do contact eachother, me and co, but the conversation just stays superficial most of the time. When I try to take it to another level she seems to ignore me.
    Like i said i dont mind the timesharing as long as its fair and she doesnt interfere in what I consider my (night)time with hubby.

  • Rabiabint

    March 29, 2015

    That’s how I feel.. Like I have no problem with her age…. but for some women it could be an issue…

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Yes, rabiabint, I hear ya. It’s really a matter of wait and see. You’re right that it’s on him when he tells her. He can’t tell her until Allah allows him to anyhow. So, there’s not much more that could be done.

    It’s okay that she’s older than him. The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) first and only wife when he was monogamous was 15 years older than him and they were married 25 years before his death. I’m 8 years older than my husband. He was married and divorced before he met and married me. She was 10 years older than him. The two of them were married 10 years. He and I will be married 13 years in May. The age shouldn’t really matter. Even if she can’t have any more children, I’m assuming you’re capable and willing, so even more so, his and her age difference shouldn’t matter. When a couple marries there is a serious tie that binds, which makes it very difficult to walk away from it, even for the husbands.

    I’m sorry to hear busy bodies, peddling people contributed to your separation. It’s best to keep people out your business as best you can. People can be very envious, and not want any good for us. Especially when it comes to receiving advice, you must be super careful.

    I think the sh!t will hit the fan when he tells her that he and you resumed your marriage. I could totally understand the hurt and pain she will feel. It’s very, very sad 🙁 I don’t like knowing anyone is in pain, except my enemies…

  • rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    You know sis,

    The craziest thing is that prior to lifting the talaq… She used to check his phone and accuse him of talking to other women but he wasn’t. I know my husband… he’s never been the type to “Flirt.” So I really don’t know what will come of all this.

    I try to put myself in her shoe…

    She’s older… 40’s though she has a child from a previous marriage- I believe she can’t have anymore
    She’s limited on her cooking skills as she can’t cook dishes from his country

    My husband is a good 10 years younger than her and he wants children.

    And then there’s me… His first wife… His first everything… I’m am younger than her and a couple of years older than him. The reason for the talaq wasn’t due to cheating or I was unruly… his family and friends butting into our marriage and causing a lot of fitnah that I wanted out.

    Soooooooooooooooooooo
    I would rather him tell her closer to when he is leaving in the event that she demands a divorce and kicks him out.

    But it is his choice when to tell her… It can be a really good thing if he tells her now or a disaster.

    I have to put myself in my husband shoes… Yes I married an older sister, yes I’m still in love with my first wife. Yes I want to have children but how can I tell my second wife about the first without hurting her. How can I set up the time between to be fair and the neither wife doesn’t feel left out. What will happen if she demands a divorce? Of tell me to stop talking to my first wife and request I divorce her..

    ya know?

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Sis rabiabint, 🙂

    Yes, it’s all good. We could definitely agree to disagree. You’re absolutely correct that this site is about polygamy. although divorce (talaqs) deal with polygamy, as well. We do get off track sometimes. Sometimes I’m the one who take us there every now and again LOL. Just as long as we bring it back to polygamy, we’re good to go, right? 🙂

    What I get from you is that you’re simply concerned and want to make sure you’re doing everything correctly with your husband. I totally understand. I’m sure I’d be the same way, if the condition presented itself. I think you’re okay with what you’ve done. Even if you were to count the one talaq as a divorce, you’ve got another one available to you. If you count it as a separation, you’ve done nothing wrong, to the best of my knowledge – you had four months to make your intent to remain together or divorce. If you both didn’t know what you were doing, it could fall under thoughtlessness in oath. Nonetheless, it appears to me that you and he are married with nothing much to worry about. I can’t remember how long you said you and he were separated.

    I think you’re still first wife; although as you said and know, it doesn’t really matter. I think it would just be good when he comes clean with her and let her know what has happened. Do you not think it better he tells her now so they could discuss the matter and he could try to help her cope oppose to telling her right before he leave and leave her upset, in distress and hanging like that. I could only imagine her devastation if he were to tell her and run to avoid a confrontation. It’s just my thoughts about it.

  • rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    Allahu Allim.

    Sis Anabellah

    We can agree to disagree. Its all good. Besides this is a site about polygamy not talaq…. I do look for guidance from those who have devoted their life in studying the Quran, Islam, and the Sunnah when I need clarification.

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Sis rabiabint,

    I don’t identify with any sect. I’m just a plain, simple Muslim. Allah named us Muslim and it’s what I am. Allah tells us in the Holy Quran not to divide ourselves into sects as we are just one brotherhood.

    rabiabint, I don’t want to come across as arrogant or anything of the sort. I just know that Allah in the Holy Quran in several ayat says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. He tells us that He teaches. So, where did all these scholars, sheiks and all these men with titles come from? They have all their varying thoughts and opinions that could make a person’s head swim. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the seal of the prophets, the last messenger to come. He left us the Holy Quran, yet people want to complicated. There is no need for intermediaries. Islam is a simple, beautiful religion. We just have to approach it with sincerity of heart, and ask Allah to teach, guide, help, protects us etc. He is all we need. He brings the believers together.

    If a man has given his wife a divorce (talaq) and they resume their marriage within the three months period, they don’t have to have another Nikah. If they want to resume the marriage after the three months, they would have to have another Nikah. If they get back together and later down the road still have problems, he could give her a second divorce (talaq). It’s the last chance they have to make it work because divorce is only permissible only twice. Again, if they resume the marriage within the three months there is no need for a nikah. If they resume the marriage before the end of the three months, and can’t make the marriage work this second time round and he leaves giving her the talaq, it’s over and done with. They can’t ever remarry UNLESS she marries another man who dies or divorces her. It is only then that he could remarry her.

    The third talaq finalizes it all after the 2nd divorce.

  • Rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum Sisters

    @Ana

    I was just thinking about our conversation about customs and religion. Open the light on talaq and what is or isn’t correct. As the Shaykh mentioned in Pakistan it is 3 months after the talaq a couple can’t remarry but there’s no where in Hadith of Sunnah that states 3 months after the first talaq a couple can’t get back together… it is after the third talaq the divorce is final. A man can take his wife back twice as in he mention talaq twice to her, but if he mention it a third time then it is final.

    Or if the wife request a Khula through a Scholar, Iman or Shaykh.

    Another thing that comes to mind is the school of thought one follows.
    One school say the couple doesn’t have to have a “wedding” their Nikah contract is still intact.

    While another school say they have to have a “wedding.”

    I personal just try to follow Quran and Sunnah- I don’t have a school of thought that I say I follow as All of them are correct. But I do research all three and listen to those who are Scholared in all three.

    One to the other topic. I think in the western world a woman walking alone is just common and part of the culture. A sign of independence to Americans…

    So you don’t follow Hadith? Are you a Quranist? I have a few Muslim sisters that only goes by Quran.

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Quran is not complicated. Allah does, however, says He places a veil between the reader of the Quran and the Quran when someone reads it without sincerity or for some reason other than to learn it and live it. Not everyone who reads the Quran will receive understanding. I’m just going on what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran.

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you for the information for those who would like to view the video etc. I go by what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran. I don’t need an intermediary to explain it to to me. Allah teaches me.

  • Rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    FYI:

    Mentioning Talaq at once 3 times:

    Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3292 Narrated by Mahmud ibn Labid

    When Allah’s Messenger (saws) was informed about a man who had divorced his wife, declaring it three times without any interval between them, he (saws) arose in anger and said, “Is a mockery being made of the Book of Allah Who is Great and Glorious, while I am amongst you?” As a result a companion got up and asked, “O Messenger of Allah (saws) shall I kill him?”

    The absolute majority of the scholars are of the opinion that if one pronounces three divorces to one’s wife at one time, they will count as three and an absolutely irrevocable divorce will be established in the marriage. That was the ruling of even the noble companions of the Messenger of Allah (saws) of the stature of Hadrat Abdullah ibn Abbas (r.a.) and of Hadrat Abu Hurayrah (r.a.), etc.

  • rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e6XOCYUl4s&w=420&h=315%5D

    https://youtu.be/3e6XOCYUl4s

    As Salaamu Alaikum

    @Ana here is the link in where the Shakyh talks about the remarrying after the first talaq. In the end it is based on the school of thought of ones follow and the Sharia on that country and custom.

    Allahu Allim.

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    Bibi, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    The topic is very interesting. Since there is not much activity on the blog right now, I thought I’d speak on the subject. We’ve discussed the subject a bit previously on the older version of the blog. It was mentioned that in countries with a large population of Muslims men and women are always separate. It’s been said that men obsession with women in those countries is due to women and men not being able to mix freely, so when they see women even though they can’t see the women because many are in burka, they are still mesmerized by them and curious.

    I think there are many rules Muslim men have put into place that are really innovations. There are ayat (verses) in the Quran that tells us who men and women can marry and who women can be in a state of undress in front of. Others have taken those ayat a step further to include what is NOT in the Quran. They say men and women can’t be in each other presence unless they fall in the category of people they cannot marry or can be in the state of undress in front of. It’s an innovation. I’d challenge anyone to show me an ayat that says men and women who are brother and sisters in faith can’t communicate with one another, and can’t be in the presence of one another. I don’t want to hear about a Hadith, or scholar ruling or anything of the sort. I want it shown to me in the Quran. Now, if you ask me, the rule is a cultural thing.

    Furthermore, I’m not talking about the ayat that says people had to ask the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives for something from behind the screen. There are ayat that says the “Mothers of the Believers” were not like ordinary women. They couldn’t remarry after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death; they were punished double for some sins. They were held to a higher standard than the ordinary woman.

    It makes absolutely no sense that Muslim men who are suppose to be the protectors and maintainers of women and we are brothers and sisters in faith, can’t communicate freely with one another. It makes no sense to me that men and women aren’t allowed to police themselves. I know what I’m supposed to do with regard to not lusting after men, lowering my gaze etc.

    Don’t get me wrong; I totally understand that in countries with a large population of Muslims, a woman better not go out by herself or she’ll be subjected to groping, rape, imprisonment etc. It’s just totally not like it in the States and it’s a population of non-Muslims. Men and women respect one another. I’ve never in my life been concerned about some man groping, touching me, raping me even when I was a teenager and non-Muslim, walking about 1/2 naked. Men and women go about their normal business daily without a problem. It’s the norm for women to move about day and night alone without fear of some man harming them. Of course, there are cases where there are sexual assaults that take place. It’s not the norm. Usually the men are caught and brought to justice. I’m not saying the States are crime free. I’m just saying that in Muslim countries in which the men are supposed to maintain and protect women and we are brothers and sisters in faith, why is it the Muslim sisters need protection from their Muslim brothers?

  • Bibi

    March 28, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum all

    @ana I don’t know what it is here. Both men and women stare constantly like they’ve never seen a foreigner before. I’ll have my purse and sunglasses on, my children with me, wedding ring on and it makes no difference. Are they capable of having X-ray vision??
    I think the difference between the countries is maybe non Muslims are attracted to what they can actually see. I’m not sure.

    @rabiabint. Ana stated the talaq process very well mashaAllah.

    Everyone take care

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    @Sis rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

    My understanding of how divorce works, according to Islam is that a talaq is a divorce (it is not separation). After the husband gives the wife a talaq (divorce), she goes into the idaat (waiting period) for three months. The husband could take her back within the three months or they part ways. It was still a divorce.

    The husband could divorce the wife a second time, as well. She goes into the idaat period starting all over again for three months. He again could take her back within the three month period or they part ways.

    If they remain together, but it still doesn’t workout. It’s all over. Divorce is only permissible twice, so the 3rd talaq that is given basically finalizes the divorce. It’s over and done with. The only way he could remarry her is if she marries someone else and that person divorces her or dies. Nonetheless, she must remarry before the former husband could marry her again. I believe it all to prevent husbands and wives from jerking around with each other, as marriage and divorce are serious matters.

    There is no such thing as giving a woman three talaqs (divorces) all at once, as it makes absolutely no sense. A man can’t say to his wife, “I divorce you; I divorce you; I divorce you” and the person used up all his divorces at one time. It defeats the whole purpose for what the two divorces are for. Marital couples who consider divorce are usually in a heated, emotional state. They need a cooling off period for there to be a chance of reconciliation.

    Now, instead of divorcing a woman, a man can take an oath of abstention. The period is four months. During the four months they can reconcile or he could proceed with a divorce.

    rabiabint, it sounds that the oath of abstention is more of what you and your husband did, without actually knowing it. The ayah for oath of abstention is: Quran, surah 2, ayah 226

    It sounds that you and your husband aren’t sure what you did. Allah says the following:

    “Allah will not call you to account for thoughtlessness in your oaths, but for the intention in your hearts; and He is Oft-forgiving, Most Forbearing.” Quran: 2:225

    Insha Allah, you and your husband ask Allah for forgiveness and His mercy about the matter. I don’t know whether you two would want to view it as one talaq that took place or an oath of abstenstion or thoughtlessness in your oath ???

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2015

    One thing I wonder is why in America women (and most women in America are not Muslim) can walk about the streets day and night, freely, alone, and not have to worry about being stared at, accosted, or harassed. Yet, in countries where there are a large population of Muslims, women have to worry about such things. It seems backwards to me. From what I hear, in those countries largely populated with Muslims, women dare not go out alone or without a male escort out of fear of the very things mentioned above. Do anyone ever wonder why?

    The only thing I can think of is that after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death, the Muslim men resorted back to the behavior of pre-Islamic times before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation (the Holy Quran). They went back to viewing women as chattel and a inferior breed of people. They went back to oppressing women, stoning them (which is not Islamic) etc.

    It is just peculiar that a people who are suppose to be better than another group of people are falling way short of the mark.

  • rabiabint

    March 28, 2015

    Rahma

    You have to be strong…. know that it is his choice and what you are feeing is jealousy. Acknowledge it and look for an outlet. Just today I wrote my husband and told him the time apart was a good thing. Because Allah gave me that time to acknowledge that I should put my faith or believe in a man. I shouldn’t be soooo dependent on a man… I should put all of that towards HIM. Have you asked about her? what she’s like and so forth? If you two can talk to one another…

    Just think both are getting blessing for welcoming a divorced wife in your family. Find a hobby and curve your jealousy…Do something that will occupy for time and enjoy the time you have with him. Don’t worry about what she’s doing or what they will be doing.

    Your husband has to be just in his time… so even if he doesn’t have to travel to the other country he will still need to set that time up for her.

    So don’t get to happy if he’s with you more because of business…

    The saving grace for me is this: One the day of judgment a man that takes on more than one wife will have to carry a scale.

    And if he’s unfair to his wives in this life the scale will be unbalance. He will have to walk the bridge on the day of judgment with an unbalanced scale -… in the end he will tip over.

    That makes me sleep good at night knowing that if my husband is unfair to either one of us- He will have to pay for it on the day of judgment…

    At the sametime it makes me worry for him and try to encourage him to be a good muslim and husband. Because I wouldn’t want that to happen to him.

    Put yourself in his shoe.. He has to take care of two wives… that’s stressful enough-

    Grasp your insecurities and jealousy- Know that it won’t benefit you to keep it.

    That’s what I can say

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    Rahma, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’ll put my two cents in for what it’s worth. I have no firsthand knowledge of the situation you speak of. Nonetheless, I think if your husband is normally out of the country for an extended time then what difference would it make for him to have a wife with him there while he’s away. He’s away anyhow, right? About him communicating with his one wife whom he is not with, while away with the other, well, she is his wife. Why can’t she talk with her husband, skype, Face Time him, email, text etc?

    I know it’s extremely difficult for the wife to know her husband is chit chatting up a storm and expressing love for his other. A wife could ask her husband to do the chit chating while he driving to or from work or while he’s at work or while she’s showering or sleeping, out shopping or somewhere else.

    I don’t think it’s necessary for the husband to be in his one wife’s face while talking on a device to another wife. He should show her some consideration. In the interim she should work on her jealousy, so she won’t be in pain as a result of her husband in her presence, communicating with his other wife.

    I think it’s problematic when the husband has no need to be out of the country, but seeks out a wife in another country knowing he will be away from the wives a good amount of time. The purpose of marriage is for the husband and wife to live together in peace and tranquility. Allah put love between their hearts. A wife usually wants to be with her husband. Some husbands can be very selfish and not care. He’s always with one wife or the other. He has no alone time. His needs are constantly being taken care of. He needs to consider the wives. Many men are selfish pr!(ks. Excuse my French.

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    I’ve seen the very young sisters wearing the scarves and the skin tight jeans with tops that don’t cover their buttocks. It’s very sad because I know how difficult it is for them to be in public school, and wanting to be like the average student. There is so much peer pressure for any teenager in school, let alone being a Muslim, having to dress differently, and add the negative media attention that Muslim are getting regarding global matters, terrorist groups and all. It has to be extremely tough for them. It was very tough for me as I was different in the schools I attended growing up and I wasn’t even Muslim at the time.

    I’ve also seen the young Muslim sisters wearing the scarves and short sleeve t-shirts. I often wonder if it’s because they just recently took shahadah (oath to be Muslim) and don’t have the financial means to get a new wardrobe at the time. My wali and I have been working on putting together a non-profit Sudakah (charity) fund, which I hope will be up and running very soon. Our intention is to help the sisters in need of housing, clothing etc.

    About what to wear as a female Muslim, we’ve had the discussion on the blog a number of times over the years, although it doesn’t pertain to polygamy. The topic keeps coming up. I go with a Muslim woman should wear whatever suits her as long as she can be identified as a Muslim sister. Modesty in her clothing and some type of head covering should do the trick. I can’t get with sisters putting on someone else getup such as living in America NOT of an Asian or Middle Eastern descent, wearing their dress; although it’s none of my concern. It’s just weird seeing someone who looks as though she or he just stepped out of the desert and landed in foreign land – America – did some time travel or something. They adopt dress based on someone else culture and think it’s Islam. I wear makeup, and western clothing that identify me as the American that I am. I wear makeup, sunglasses and whatever.

    I think ummof4 called it right. We are Muslims sisters-in-faith regardless of what we’ve got on. To each her own in what she wears. She will account to Allah for it in terms of whether she was obedient in terms of her wardrobe.

  • rabiabint

    March 27, 2015

    “And who is better in religion than one who submits himself to Allah while being a doer of good and follows the religion of Abraham, inclining toward truth? And Allah took Abraham as an intimate friend.” Surah 4 Ayat 125

    This Ayat is soooo DEEP… I mean it gave me shivers because Allah is saying to be better in your faith SUBMIT to ME. I think of submission to God is just diving in the deep end of the pool with no life float or anything that will aid in submerging. That is a sign of a Mumin. Subhanallah- to get to that level would be amazing… Living in this world and time it is so hard. Esp when culture comes into play.

    The Prophet (saw) said take that which is good in this world and leave that which is bad.
    This action is only easy for those whose not holding on too the glitter of this world.

    For example: Today I was looking online for purdah (niqab) and the first thing that came to me said when I saw one “Oh that’s cute” and then I started over thinking- How will I do my makeup under the niqab to make my eye “POP.”

    Make-up isn’t haram but the purpose of “Correct” Hijab and Niqab is not Not draw attention to myself. But I live in a society were to be presentable is to plaster make up and arching the brows is part of the Western beauty is part of the American Culture and the world.

    So I had to retract myself and remember “I am not choose the purdah for no other reason but to be closer to my faith. I am making this choice so I don’t have to hear men and their cat calls. I am doing it to hide my beauty so get a plain simple niqab that would enhance my eyes… If I do wear eye make up simple it as natural as possible.

    I think another way to embrace Islamic culture is remembering that everything we do should be steps to becoming a Mumin (believer).
    Islamic culture isn’t Middle Eastern. Its not Desi…nor African or Western.

    I think when a person practice Islam as the way of the Prophet (SAW) and the Sahabahs they are seen as Strange, weird, and just not appealing to Muslims ( Whose attached to the world) and Non- Muslims.

    Inshallah we are all on this the right path to becoming a Mumin. Accepting Polygamy is a good step. 🙂

    Ladies wouldn’t believe the fitnah I had to deal with when I told my sisters that my husband lifted the Talaq.
    One of my sister’s was like “Well I don’t believe in that talaq mess anyways- there were no witnesses. How can he just lift it…

    Another said “He’s not doing his part… He can’t afford two wives… Is he going to divorce her? Well how do you feel about it?”

    And I said 1. A man can lift the first talaq whenever so as long as she never married someone else. 2. A witness isn’t needed because once the talaq is lifted it is as if there were never separated 3. You don’t when if he is or isn’t doing his part. You don’t know if he can or cannot afford more than one wife. 4. A scholar shaykh said its not my problem. Its not my issue. and lastly I am fine with him having another wife. We spoke about it prior and put it in the contract.

    A man or woman who actually reject Polygamy in our faith are following the western culture. And We as servants to Allah are to be opposite of the non-believers.
    Mind blowing isn’t it.

  • Rahma

    March 27, 2015

    Assalaam alaykum all,

    I need some advise. Hubby just recently got married to a divorced sister who has a child. (Due to practical reasons the marriage wasn’t consumated yet)
    Me and my co live in two different countries, which we (hubby and me) both agreed on would be good for him as he spends a considerable amount of time of the year oversees.
    Rabiabint I kind of recognised what you were saying about your situation; I wouldn’t be able to stand knowing hubby living abroad alone 6 out of 12 months, possibly falling into sins (even if it were just looking at women)because of his being alone.
    It is true I initiated the idea, but o dear the reality hits in hard. I do feel because I initiated the idea, I can’t complain *that* much but unfortunately I am very, very weak. It’s hard sometimes to even look at him in a normal way, let alone act normal.
    The matter that really bothers me is the time sharing when two wives live in different countries. I mean phoning, texting, chatting while hubby is with the other wife. I’ve noticed I can’t stand it when she just contacts him basically any time of the day/ night without him putting boundaries. I’m not sure about islamic rulings on this matter.
    Any thoughts on that would be highly appreciated

  • Laila

    March 27, 2015

    Good morning. Just wanted to comment, Rabiabint, I love your post on Islam versus culture. Sometimes even I get carried away with my culture whereby in Islam it is not needed to do so. Like for example after attending a funeral, I immediately wash my feet with tumeric water. Actually hubbs was telling me that it is not practised in Islam. What is needed is to come home and immediately take a bath and wash the clothes worn during the funeral. But at times, I cannot help myself and still, fall into my old ways. Even like during Ramadhan, I always end up cooking so much just for the both of us when in reality what is needed is just only a bit so as to fill our stomach up. But not for us to gorge ourselves. So yes, very good topic! 🙂

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    @rabibint, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You go girl!!! Tell it like it is.

    I especially like what you said, “The amazing thing is that if those who are of the other Abrahamic faith were to do away with man-made laws in which they’ve added into their faith… they would have listened to the messengers before Al-Nabi (saw) and all would have been Muslim.”

    You are so totally correct!!! Allah in the Holy Quran tells us to follow the way of Prophet Abraham (PBUH). He was true in Faith.

    “Who can be better in religion than one who submits his whole self to Allah, does good, and follows the way of Abraham the true in Faith? For Allah did take Abraham for a friend.” Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 125

    Besides including what was left out of the previous Books (Torah, Gospel etc), it excludes what is no longer necessary from the previous Books. Allah revealed the same message to all of his Messengers/Prophets.

  • rabiabint

    March 27, 2015

    I see Islam as a culture all of its own. Because it covers everything from beginning to the end. All that was left out in previous faith, Islam has covered. Culture is man-made and pulled from stories, political views and sometimes from other cultures. The amazing thing is that if those who are of the other Abrahamic faith were to do away with man-made laws in which they’ve added into their faith… they would have listened to the messengers before Al-Nabi (saw) and all would have been Muslim.
    ex: Christmas is part of an American culture which is based on their own belief of Christianity but also its a wiccan/ pagan practice that has been incorporated into the Christian faith and American Culture.

    When a person reverts to Islam their duty is to give up the life/ faith they once lived and live in the Islamic Life Style.

    But I am learning is that some people are unable to do it and than add into Islam what they fill isn’t “bad”

    example- swirling the Quran over a brides head for blessing/luck
    Not adhere to the correct form of hijab- they would wear a scarf on the head and skinny jeans below with heels.

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    Here at polygamy 411, we speak often about culture vs religion (Islam). It’s important we all have a clear understanding of what culture is and what Islam is. We need to know so we can differentiate between the two. I’ve posted below a brief video about culture.

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    We won’t go to battle (in the cause of Allah) like the former generation of Muslims. Our minds are our battlefields – fighting the whispers and suggestions of Satan.

  • anabellah

    March 27, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    Dear Laila,

    I understand you and all the lovely ladies here are very busy with life, and tend to vanish from here sometimes. As long as you all come back, I’m good. I miss you all so much when you are gone. Laila, you sound very happy. Our days all vary. Each day is never the same. It’s what makes life, life.

    Sis, Ummu ‘Ain, You stated the following, “I personally hope that women – especially those who call themselves believers – after going through the process of polygamy, could realise that when they let their husbands exercise their rights to practise polygyny, Allah will actually put appreciation in their hearts and increase their love for their wives.”

    It’s an amazing part of polygamy. It’s some of what makes life so beautiful for those who are a part of a polygamous marriages when women let go of selfish ways and seek the good pleasure of Allah.

  • Bibi

    March 27, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum ladies. Jumma Mubarak to all. Have a blessed Jumma and weekend ahead.

    @ana. That’s one thing I do not miss in the states is the “lack of clothing” on non Muslims. Islam is so beautiful with its teachings of modesty.
    Ummof4 jazakAllah khair for shedding light on a niqabi. I wear purdah and sunglasses outdoors. It’s a must. Both men a women here stare constantly I feel very uncomfortable and violated without it. You stated, “We are all still sisters in Islaam and those of us who obey Allah and seek His mercy and forgiveness will make it to Jannah, In shaa’Allah.” Well said.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 27, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww my dear sisters…

    @Rabiabint: Masyaa’Allah sister…I love your perspective. You are so sincere and your sincerity seems to inculcate such positivity.

    I personally hope that women – especially those who call themselves believers – after going through the process of polygamy, could realise that when they let their husbands exercise their rights to practise polygyny, Allah will actually put appreciation in their hearts and increase their love for their wives.

    Unless if those husbands do not execute it correctly.

  • Laila

    March 27, 2015

    Hey Ana, and hello to all. Thank you for your moral support and advise and dedication to sort of remind, and even at times tell us like it is. I think my journey on this blog has sort of somehow taught me the values of being a human and a Muslim. I used to take many things lightly in the past but because of awareness, I am getting better. We all have our challenging days and days of utter contentment. I am content and extremely happy with my life at the moment. Everything is running smoothly and I could not ask for more. I am looking forward to my trip soon. Looking forward to a great dinner with hubbs and shopping. Ive got a few things to purchase.

    Dear Ana. If I come and go at times, please excuse me. Sometimes work and other commitments really just pile up. But I enjoy blogging here. I love all the ladies who come here to share their life with everyone on this blog is just great.

    I do not think I will ever stop blogging for issues that crop up. Take for example Aisha85. Some people will always find fault and claim they know a lot which to some degree is pathetic. I also could not care too. Because I am who I am and my family and friends know ME. They know me personally and what I stand for. Ive lost many friends along the way but that has not broken me. I only look at it as, good riddance to bad rubbish. I think at some point, we all reach a stage where we know who we are and we do not need validation from people to feel good. The fact that my family loves hubbs is in itself the best thing.

    Have a great weekend guys. I know I am so looking forward to my beauty regime.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    I find it easy to identify who a Muslim woman is or most likely is one, especially in the United States. A modest woman stands out like a sore thumb amongst non-Muslims, especially in the summer time. It’s getting to be that time of the year (nearing Summer) when non-Muslims take it all off – one has to protect one’s eyes from what is about to come

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank your for elaborating on what a niqabi is. I believe as long as a woman covers her private parts properly it’s all good, regardless of what she’s got one.

    You stated, “We are all still sisters in Islaam and those of us who obey Allah and seek His mercy and forgiveness will make it to Jannah, In shaa’Allah.”

  • ummof4

    March 26, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    A niqabi is a Muslim woman who covers part of or all of her face when in public. rabiabint, I am not a niqabi and have never been one. Alhamdulillah for the sisters who cover their faces and Alhamdulillah for the sisters who do not cover their faces. We are all still sisters in Islaam and those of us who obey Allah and seek His mercy and forgiveness will make it to Jannah, In shaa’Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I want to say I share ummof4’s sentiments that you have grown so much since you first came to the blog. You blossomed into a lovely young lady. You’re so supportive and helpful on the blog. You let us all know that it’s not only wives who marry their husbands first who have to develop good coping skills, make adjustment and do self assessment, but it’s wives who marry in the order of second, as well.

    It is when women who marry in the order of 2nd, 3rd and 4th comment here that we begin to see our similarities. We all have very much in common. A wife who marries her husband 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th is the same.

    What makes the difference between anyone in the sight of Allah is “RIGHTEOUSNESS”. Everyone should work individually on themselves to get themselves right.

    Love to you all, my dear sisters

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    rabiabint,

    You made me laugh when you said you laughed when he told you her age etc. It’s typical behavior and yes it just sizing the other up. You recognized what you were doing and said to yourself, hey, this is not good LOL You, “took it back”. It’s how we move forward. It must be a bug out for you to suddenly realize you have a co-wife. What you go through shouldn’t be near as tough as some of us who didn’t have the mindset you have. It is way nice that he married an older lady. It looks favorable to him that he didn’t solely marry for lust. He could be one of the Muslim brothers who marry more than one woman for the more honorable reasons.

  • rabiabint

    March 26, 2015

    WAS

    He said he’s waiting for the right time.. Inshallah next week. I then told him to wait it out closer to the time he comes to visit because in the event of drama he can leave (both can cool off).

    But I did have a moment of either jealousy or ego stroke when he informed me she’s way older than me and pass the age of bearing children. I laughed. And then realized omg I had a Co wife moment. . Quickly I took it back.
    And said agstarfullah for letting the jinn within me enjoy that moment.

    I told my sister what I did and she said it’s on
    ..it’s normal for women to size up each other. I said no no no that was wrong of me.

    It’s good he married someone older.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    @Rabiabint, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It was very nice and special of you to defend your co when your husband said she was only for convenience and he’s doing a job. Perhaps one day you and she will become very good friends. Allah knows best.

    You may want to ask him why he won’t tell her that you and he are married, if she is just for convenience and he’s doing a job. Why won’t he go ahead and tell her that you and he are married. She deserves to know. We are Muslim. Polygamy is permitted and there is no reason for him to conceal the information from her.

  • rabiabint

    March 26, 2015

    Exactly…
    I checked him on that…and told him a. Don’t speak about her like that. Venting is fine…but I dont Care to hear .you married her…and so forth. And still married to her sooooo…whatever… It didn’t make me feel superior just annoyed and felt bad… I said to him…what you’re saying about her I pray she never funds out because its hurtful. We have a history…you two are newlyweds. You can’t compare me to her or visa versa Two different people…

    He said yeah you’re right.

    I ask about her for my own selfish reason aha I want to meet her hang out talk with her on the phone. I think that got him…because I not once mentioned him…lol

    But that’s why I wanted a sister wife… I know that sound silly but a sister wife would come after my blood sister whose also musl. She n I share blood n my Co wife n I share a spouse.

    He did tell me she’s aware of me but hasn’t bought it up. Its not going to get ugly… But it has nothing to do with me. …I am basing it offof what I’ve read hear….he has to deal with the outcome with his second wife.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    A husband will have a favorite wife. The wives will know who the favorite is based on the husband’s actions and behavior. Actions speak louder than words and tell the truth.

  • anabellah

    March 26, 2015

    @rabiabint, Assalamu Alaikum.

    I would tell any woman not to go for the okie doke. A man will badmouth a wife or say anything derrogatory about her to make the one wife feel she’s the better or the favorite wife. We’ve heard it all here, from the wife has mental problems; he doesn’t have sex with her; she’s fat, can’t cook; he’s only with her because of the kids – now your husband is saying the other is a marriage of convenience and a job. It’s usually lies or exaggeration so he could get what he wants, and keep getting what he wants. It’ s to make a wife accept the situation.

    There is no need for a husband to demean or degrade his wife. It makes one wife feel superior to another, falsely, and pits wife against wife. There is no way to foster brotherhood/sisterhood under such conditions.

  • rabiabint

    March 26, 2015

    Sorry for the confusion. My husband issued one talaq…so we were just separated.and to be honest he never said it but wrote it out. To some scholars if its not verbal it doesn’t count. But we both acknowledge it was a separation none the less. Thanes for the support.

    I can’t understand. Why a first wife would be bothered by third or fourth child.

    Does rank matter? My friends think so…like when I told them he lifted the talaq they said so you’re going to be hissecond wife. I said no…I’m his first as it wasn’t wasn’t divorce (because he never said it 3 times to me) lifting the talaq is as if we were never broken the contract. They all said Oh ok good.

    To me i was like it doesn’t matter as he is suppose to treat us justly_ with is time and income.

    If it wrong for him to say Me feelings/ love is for you…not to his second wife. Though she’s a good wife he doesn’t love her as he loves me.

    He explained that his marriage to her is of convenience.

    I said to him don’t say that…
    He said it is true…we live together as friends…their mmarriage is that of a job.

    But then I had to remember the Prophets (saw) first love was Khadijah and after her was Aisha.

    I said so you have a love marriage and a marriage of convince.

    I never seen marriage other than what the west made it look like.

  • Laila

    March 26, 2015

    Hey guys. Thank you all for your kind words and super support. All I can say is based on my take is that, second wives are always going to be viewed as home wreckers. The woman that started hell on earth. We will always be viewed as heartless, selfish, having insecurities and just cold hearted women who have no feelings for the existing family in place. I think being in my position, it is certainly not easy. The assumptions made by people is sometimes just crazy. To make it even worse, if the second wife is a bit vocal and not “quiet” makes it sort of validated that she is a b****. Many expect second wives to take whatever they are given without much questions asked. It is like, you better be grateful with whatever my husband gives and do not get too smart and ask questions that are relevant and just keep your mouth shut. The touchy subjects varies really, and in my experiences, it covers money allocations, property, cars and even handbags! Who gets better handbags or watches. Insane really…. insane

  • Bibi

    March 26, 2015

    Ana you’re awesome. Now I fully understand rabiabints situation. I was a bit confused for a minute. Thank you

    And you’re post on your thoughts of why third and fourth wives don’t get verbally cyberspace abused made me chuckle. Lucky us.

    I think Aisha85 confused this site with an anti polygamy one and expected us to only look at the situation from her perspective. She is in a lot of pain but that’s no excuse to abuse Laila the way she did. Laila “handled her” (in my Olivia Pope -scandal- voice) haha

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I think the reason people aren’t abusive to 3rd and 4th wives here is because you ladies are a rare breed. There is always a first and then to become polygamous there must be a second that set the wheels in motion. When a 3rd and 4th comes along, everyone’s too tired from all the drama and emotional turmoil to notice much. No one has the energy to figure you ladies out. It’s like, oh, okay…

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @Ina,

    All the feelings and thoughts you described you felt when your husband married another are very common. You didn’t describe anything any of us haven’t heard from one another.

    I think many wives could relate to what Aisha85 was going through. What I can’t relate to is a person who freaks out on another who had absolutely nothing to do with the person’s situation.

    I can’t remember you coming here being abusive to anyone. Yes, you were hurt and upset. You expressed it. You expressed it the way a woman normally does when she comes here. You related what happened and how you felt. You related what your thought were. You didn’t go ballistic on anyone here. You didn’t friggin lose you mind on someone.

    I don’t get how people get so wrapped up in other people lives in cyberspace, and take things so personally. I can’t get with someone trying to destroy and harm a total stranger who the person never met and doesn’t know from Adam. In my mind a person can’t get any sicker or twisted unless the persons a serial killer or something of the effect. It’s just whacked.

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @Ina,

    Initially I was a bit confused about rabiabint’s marriage, as well. I initially thought the second had asked the husband to divorce rabiabint. I didn’t know until rabiabint explained later that she asked for the divorce and sometime later he met the second, whom he married. He and rabiabint began to communicate again and realized they truly loved one another. I suppose she didn’t finish the iddat period and they resumed the marriage. He then let rabiabint know he had married another while rabiabint and he were separated. He’s fearful to tell his second that he and rabiabint are back together. They fear how she will react. It’s way interesting.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    @anabellah it is the niqab / bursa

    Our talaq wasn’t due to polygamy…. it was other issues I asked for it….

  • Bibi

    March 25, 2015

    Salaams All you beautiful ladies. I’ve been quietly reading along.

    @rabiabint welcome sister. I’m so happy to have you here. You sound like a very very unique individual. For me I believe polygamy is Sunna but I don’t think I will ever encourage my husband to get another wife. I already have my hands full with two. Also I’m also not familiar with what a niqabi is.

    Laila you have a very kind heart. I’m so happy to hear you are in such a positive place in your life. Stay that way. The drama isint worth it. Some people can’t get enough of it. I wonder why second wives seem to be more verbally abused then 3rd and 4ths

    Everyone take care

  • Ina

    March 25, 2015

    Welcome Rabiabint,

    I am wondering why your husband gave you talaq initially? Is it because he married another woman? I was confused because you said you were always pro-polygamy and encouraged your husband to take another wife.

  • Ina

    March 25, 2015

    @ Laila,

    I like your advice to Aisha85. Her wound is still raw and I hope she does not do anything rash in her anger. It’s obvious that her husband loves her much. Men do stupid things and don’t always think about the consequences of their actions.

    I do feel for her because I could so easily be like her, in pain, being angry and not being able to forgive my husband for taking another wife. Somehow I saw the light at the end of the tunnel (thanks to this blog) and tried to understand my husband’s needs. It’s hard to admit but initially I was not able to accept it is because of pride, feeling embarrassed, afraid of what other people would think of me not being to satisfy my husband.

    I made him turn away from someone who would be a good co-wife and instead I got some young jealous immature girl who I believe is trying to break up my marriage.

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    rabiabint,

    I don’t know what that is. Please excuse my ignorance.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    Shukran sis

    Inshallah I pray her Iman is high.

    Question: are any of you niqabis?

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015
  • Marie

    March 25, 2015

    Rabiabint. Assalaamu alaykum. Welcome to our little cyber home. It’s so nice to have you here.

    I don’t have much to add and wanted to welcome you. You and your husband seem to have your heads and hearts in the right place. Yes, he needs to let her know, the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be. If he married her for her because she has high imaan then she’ll accept Insha’allah. You sound like a wonderful co wife. I hope Allah makes it easy for all of you

    Laila, you doing great, just keep your eyes on the prize (jannah)

    Goodnight ladies, love to you all.

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @rabiabin,

    Actually, I had your story twisted, but I understand now. Thank you for clarifying it for me.

    I agree with Laila that he needs to tell her. I agree he’s probably scared,but he needs to tell her.

    I doubt she’ll want a divorce. She’s emotionally invested. Try not to worry. Everything will be alright.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    Thank you for the welcome ladies,

    Laila I agree. Between he and I we broke down how he will spend his time. I suggested one Eid he spends with me and the other with her… Since she and I live ways apart I mentioned half the year with me when he’s in holiday from work and the other with her when he is working.

    Inshallah it will work out. I just pray she is acceoting to it all. And its true he will see if she’s 110% into the faith or if she’s amongst the many who deviate from Islam and the sunnah.

    For me, polygamy is a true test of faith. It doesn’t matter if a sister wear Islamic garment on the outside can recite Quran beautifully.. If her husband wants another wife and she decides to walk out…than the truth of her will come clear… Her intentions aren’t what they seem to be…Also it is a reflection on for herself.

    My goal in this life is to become a Mumin…bring Muslim is the first step… Being a Mumin is the ultimate goal….

    When the discussion of Polygamy comes up with sisters its as if an atomic bomb went off and I’m the odd ball because I’m for it.

    He was shocked when we first spoke and I was like I think its awesome….

    He didn’t believe until I kept hoinding him to get one. He asked me why I want him to get another wife.

    I said I am happy with you. And there’s more single women in the world than men. Amongst the muslim world there are more single African decent women than any other women. There are single mothers whose muslim. And we are distant for the time being while you work and I care for my dad. So you will need a wife while you are working. I rather you wed a single mother than be frustrated and lonely while at work. And its away to weed out those sisters that claim to be muslim and those that love Islam from the heart.

    He said Mashallah you have a good grasp on polygamy.

    I said But my request is that you tell me and she’s a single mother.

    He said Ok and kissed my forehead.

  • Laila

    March 25, 2015

    Dear Rabiabint, welcome! ♡

    Okay, looks like you and your husband are in a fix. But if I were you, I would still ask that he inform her about him lifting his talaq towards you. Every marriage must be clear and straight forward. Of course he has his worries that she might leave him. But it is better if she does because then he will realize that she is not into the Islamic lifestyle. He would also realize that maybe she is not the type to want to be in a polygamous relationship. He probably right now feels torn, and pretty much in conflict so as to choose the ‘right’ path to resolve the matter. All I can say is also, given him some time and space. I’ve learnt that men can make better decisions when they are not pushed into a corner.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    @Anabellah

    That’s right. I am his first wife and she is his second. When we reconcilled…it was sweet..as I the only time I ever see him shed a tear is when I asked for the separation. The second time was when we spoke and he blurted out “I miss you… Though I am married to this sister … I never stopped loving you. I know what I want…my marriage to you is love marriage.
    I ask and with her?
    He said when we separated I was dwelling on you n thought I was going mad so I decided to wed… Not out of love but to move on and try n forget you. But I couldn’t.

    Of course jealousy came over me and I said well divorce her n be with me. . this was before he lifted the talaq. I was confused when he lifted the Talaq. I kept asking him Why? Why did you do that? Why didn’t you speak to your second wife? You can’t stand someone else next to me

    It wasn’t pretty…. I was so upset… He was in tears

    Then he said I can’t. I want you back. And she’s the type we agreed I could wed.

    Then I remember when we first spoke i bought it up…I encouraged him when he visited my family…when I visited his family… How I would love to have a cowife.

    The next time we spoke I told him he was right and that I knew his love is true because he married the type of sister I would have chosen for him.

    He was delighted to hear my response… Because it made it easy on him…

    Now… Though its none if my concern I want him to be fair. I know of her and she should know if me. Part if me would be upset is she stress him out on this subject. Know he will have to split his time. I make my own income so I only requested a small monthly sum just so he is contributing to this home. he has to make her aware of all if this.

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @rabiabint,

    Let me see if I understand you correctly. You are a first wife. Your husband married another woman, making her the second wife. She asked your husband to divorce you or she’d divorce him. He gave you one (talaq) divorce, but lifted it. You and he are back together, but she doesn’t know it. He is afraid to tell the second that you and he reconciles, as he fears she will demand a divorce.

    It’s kind of messy, if I got your story correct. He’s between a rock and a hard place. If he is strong in his belief in our religion – way of life, he’d walk. Leave her behind. He should want a strong believing woman in his life as another wife – not a rejecter of faith. She only wants him and clearly doesn’t care about our way of life. It appears if he stays with her, it will be out of lust. He shouldn’t want a woman controlling him that way. He’s making her his lord, which is shirk (setting up partners with Allah). She wants to be boss and control him. It’s all about her wants and desires.

    You are right, sis about the need for him to let her go. Allah could give him another wife way better than her. If he sticks with her and toss you away, it appears it will be his loss. I feel for you, my sister.

  • anabellah

    March 25, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m with you that a woman cannot be a believer and reject polygamy. There is no logical explanation for rejecting a way of life that our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived. Allah says the prophets are our examples. Allah clearly permits polygamy for men. A person who rejects polygamy is arrogant and haughty the same as Iblis (Satan).

    I’m not surprised your Muslim friends are against polygamy. Many Muslims are against polygamy.

    You’re very unique in that you always wanted to live in a polygamous marriage. I happy to know you

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    @Laila and the other sisters here,

    My concern is that my co wife won’t like me or cause my husband stress becauseche will have to leave her and theres another woman in his world. I know it may sound silly but I pray that we are happy with each other and she doesn’t cause fitnah or stress on him.

  • Laila

    March 25, 2015

    Dear Ummof4, sometimes comments made towards me that I consider to be just too harsh makes me just want to stay away for good. I already have to face these sort of treatment in real life so I believe I do not deserve it in cyber space. But at times also, I tell myself to stop being so childish and toughen up. There are times too when I read issues from everyone else and I am a bit lost as to help them. Because my method would be, pack your bags and walk. That has been my style eventhough I am not proud of it. I am at a good place Ummof4. Because I just follow the advice given here. To not get too interested in my co’s life. Just let some things be and don’t worry myself in regards to her children. I think my co has also seen my changes. I am literally putting up a wall when it comes to her and she now I feel like she has to be cordial because I do not even encourage any light hearted chatter. I may sound mean but I have learnt my lesson. She uses me and twists facts to our husband and puts me in fire. I am happy with where I am in my life. I am content. Everything is not running so smoothly but it is all good. I have love in my life. That is far more important. Lastly, as Ive said. I am a very firm lady now. I don’t entertain drama. If she wants it, go ahead. If he wants to entertain it, go ahead. Just leave me out of the equation.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    No she hasn’t asked him for that. He hasn’t Informed her that he lifted the Talaq between he n I. As sir as I know. And his worried that if he tells her she will divorce him.

  • ummof4

    March 25, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    rabiabint are you saying that your husband married a second wife and she asked him to divorce you as her mahr? Please explain. I did not understand all that you wrote.

  • ummof4

    March 25, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Welcome Rabiabint. I’m the senior citizen in the bunch and have been in a polygynous marriage off and on for over 30 years. The sisters here are from all over the world and have a lot to share. This is a safe place for women and men who believe polygyny can be as successful as monogamy. So please stay with us.

    Laila, kepp up the good work. I have witnessed your growth and am proud of you. Ehrn you go away sometimes you are sorely missed and we are happy when you return.

    To everyone, when my husband has married other wives he always made sure that the money he gave and spent on our household was never made less because of his other wife. I never demanded it, it’s just something that he did. Whatever he and his other wives did financially I was not aware of. That worked fine for us.

    However, it seems that a large number of wives on this blog built businesses with their husbands. They are afraid of him giving their hard-earned money to the other wife who did not build up the business. To me, as long as the first wife still has everything that she already had, and the husband is not taking away her money, she should have no say in what her husband does with the rest of his money.
    The businesses are successful by the blessing and mercy of Allah, not just through the efforts of the first wife.

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    A co wife demanding Maher husband to divorce his other wife is wrong. It is a form of diviation. Allah tell muslim min to stay away from women who deviate from the deen. I learned that after watch a Sheik explain polygamy.

    My husband hasn’t told his second wife that A. He and I communicated b. He lift the Talaq.

    Scary

    For him…so I told him…if she loves Islam 110% she wouldn’t sack him. And if she does…. Her go.

    Allah will send him better. As Allah said to the Prophet (saw)

  • rabiabint

    March 25, 2015

    Wa Alaikum Salaam

    As much as I want to share my joy about my childhood dream. Yes I was born and raised in islam and since I was a little girl hearing the stories of the wives of the Prophet I always wanted to be in a polygamist marriage.

    It saddens me that many muslimahs aren’t open to it. And what’s. Upsetting is tat they can say I believe. In Allah His books angels and prophets but ddisagree or reject polygamy. To me than they don’t believe…. Allah Allam.

    My goal is to become a true Mumin a believer with that I always wanted to be a sisterwife.

    How did your family take the news?

    My father is pleased to learn my husband to another wife.. But my sisters and muslim friends are against polygamy.

    So I haven’t told them.

  • Gail

    March 25, 2015

    Mari2,
    I read your latest post please keep your eyes and ears open and watch for change in him.I see u r wanting to try so go ahead and give it a try but do so with open eyes and ears.I am curious how he intends to play this out.Watch your back sister.

  • Gail

    March 25, 2015

    Mari2,

    I am sorry what has happened but it is exactly as I suspected it would happen after he married the cousin.I hate to say this but this is your life now.She is not and never was the problem as much as your husband is.Yes her and her family will now do everything to get him to divorce u and they do have the upper financial hand in this matter as I am pretty certain they r financially secure enough in Pakistan although he will come back to your country after sometime as he has greencard or citizenship in your country and will want to make money.I don’t say this lightly but either u will have to deal this huge cluster F@ck or walk away there really is nothing in the middle I am sorry to say as u r the outsider and u r disposable.I say this because he has made his choice to go through with the marriage.I wish u could call his bluff but with these men it is just to hard to do that to be honest they r a whole other beast.Please sit down and think if it is worth dealing with this insanity.Had he married outside the family it would have been easy but with it being inside the family and him already acting like he is big man on campus now well it is what it is again he made his choice.Also u know now your MIL is against u and she will be fueling him now to get rid on u.These r the facts of the situation u just have to decide will u be his puppet on a string or be strong enough to move on.My advice is if u do stay watch your money they like to grab as much as they can and they have alot of issues as to why they need the money.So be forewarned.
    I know u love him and u have been a good wife.The sin is not with u it is with him.He played this game very well as do all Pakistani men I am sorry to say.
    This is not Polygamy as much as it is mental torture.I do not agree with cousin marriages and Polygamy mixing I have yet to here of one Polygamous marriage that involves a foreign wife and Pakistani Cousin that has had a happy ending.If anyone has heard of this I would sure like to know because it seems when cousin marriage are involved outcome is bad for all parties involved.Someone will end up a looser.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2015

    Dear Ana and Marie. When I first came to this blog I was just so unhappy. I had given up my time for years and there was no proper schedule or planning and everyone took everyone else for granted. My co still wanted him to divorce me, and she would fight tooth and nail and throw accusations. He would get pissed and not treat me well. In short, it was a nightmare. Ive now learnt to reorganize my life and put up some basic rules. At first he did not like it but over time, finally, peace came about. For a long time of war and turmoil, and to suddenly experience peace and orderly things, it was a huge welcome! So guys, as I have said. Im not a Saint. But I came from a real bad spot and I was miserable and I was taken for granted. Ive learnt now to stand up for myself and be firm. The results are positive. From a co that threatened to put rat poison into her childrens food while he is at work, she has now stopped such tantrums. Because, I do not entertain drama from him and her. Ive certainly had my full and I want peace, love and good memories. Drama of the week is over and done with.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I pray everything will be good for you and your hubz when he arrives home. You must be sooooo excited about seeing him after such a long separation. You have a very good attitude, so Insha Allah, you two will be good as new and fall back into your routine. I’m excited for you. I have a good feeling about things for him and you. Try not to ask many question or focus much on them in his native land. Simply work on getting your marriage back to a very good place, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all our wonderful blog family members and readers out there in cyberspace

    The recent posts on this thread inspired me to write a post/thread on the topic of Muslim women and wealth. The link is: https://www.polygamy411.com/special-right-to-wealth/ Insha Allah, it will generated some discussion.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @rabiabint, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    You’ve met the lovely Ummu ‘ain and I too welcome you. I’m so delighted you found this site and I hope you stay with us as a new blog family member. We’re here to help you as best we can. Please share as much about your life as you are comfortable with. Jump in and join the discussion whenever you feel inspired. Fire away with question, if you have any. It’s nice to have you here.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 24, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww dearies…

    @Sis Ana & Sis Marie: I agree with both of you. About being selfless and sometimes letting go of our rights to give in to mercy (Allah mentioned it as “ihsan” & “rahmah” in the Qur’an)

    @Sis Rabiabint: Welcome to this family, dear sis. I do have to assure you that you have come to the right place if you need positive support. Hope that you will get what you hope for here…

    @Sis Mari2: Masyaa’Allah…it sounds like your situation is turning for the better. May Allah continue to bestow His rahmah upon you and your marriage. And Im so happy to know that you are deepening your Qur’anic studies. Baarakallahu feek dearie!!

  • Mari2

    March 24, 2015

    Hello to all and thank you for duas. I’ve been reading the quran much today and praying much and I am feeling better about things. Asking Allah to provide me with patience and guidance.

    Inshallah M will depart Islamabad in 6 hours. After a crazy 15 hour layover in Dubai he will be home Thursday morning. He seems better towards me. Not sure if he’s still angry but his texts seem okay.

    on a happy note. A sister from the masjid offered to teach me to read the quran in Arabic. I’m pretty excited to learn although it looks rather complicated. May all of you have a splendid week. And thank you all again!

  • rabiabint

    March 24, 2015

    As salaamualaikum

    I finally found a site where muslimah are in such a unique marriage. Mashallah.

    I’ve looked on YouTube and google but most that speak about polygamy are not in a polygamous marriage and just going by text.

    Anyways,

    I am adjusting to the change in my life.

    I am my husband first wife and a year ago he took a second

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Hafsah. Salam.

    As Muslims we should know and believe that we shouldn’t love anything more than Allah, we should only trust Allah, Allah controls everything, Allah provides, a man can have four wives and many other things. Most Muslims either don’t know or don’t believe the above mentioned because when some women enter polygamy they (including myself at one point) say and believe the opposite.

    If a woman knows that she has a high chance of entering polygamy. for example living in an Arab country, wouldn’t it be better to focus on your soul rather than your purse. Don’t get me wrong a woman would still put away for a rainy day. But wouldn’t it be better to focus on knowing and believing the things I mentioned above.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Also I’m only speaking of justice, mercy, rights and laws from an Islamic definition.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all.

    Iv been thinking lately about laws, rights, justice and mercy. We know that as Muslims we have certain rights we live by certain laws, we should always judge with justice and be merciful to the believers. So I was wondering if it’s possible that one could exercise a right or uphold a law and still be unjust. Could one refrain from exercising a right in order to have mercy on another for the reward from Allah. An example would be a wife knows her husband is in financial difficulties she has the right to food, clothing and shelter. If she exercises her right to the above mentioned, does she run the risk of being unjust by not taking his situation into account, and not showing any mercy and basically demanding that he provide.
    This may not be a good example but Insha’allah you’ll get what I mean. You can apply it to any situation if it fits. I’m not looking for opinions. Just facts, proof from Quran.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @Hafsah,

    I don’t think there is anything wrong in what you said. I simply tend to lean towards spending and helping others, which Allah orders us to do.
    I’ve never read any where in the Holy Quran that a woman’s money is strictly her, but I have read continually through out the entire Quran how we are to spend money and on whom. Being stingy,selfish, and niggardly are huge no, nos. Allah rewards spending in his cause manifold. No good deed goes unrewarded. A Believer doesn’t get “used”. A believer believes Allah provides. The believer doesn’t have to worry about money and taking care of her or himself.

  • Hafsah

    March 24, 2015

    Salaam

    If a muslim woman knows her husband could be polygamous she also knows that any money she gives him could be used to that end. This is why most arab women, who live under constant threat of polygamy, refuse to give up any of their moneys to the husband. All women I know keep every penny they earn for themselves. If the husband needs a loan he must sign for it so she can claim it back. If she puts money into their common property she makes sure that to get receipts for it. And most women I know also put aside money from what the husband spends on her. This way a woman can build security for old age, but she can also make sure her money never goes to pay for her husband getting other wives. This is not out of spite or stinginess but because there is always a reason why Allah grants a right. And a person can never be blamed for exercising his or her rights. Just as Allah has granted men the right to polygamy (in certain cases, I know you don’t agree Ana but I must state my view) and we can not blame him for using this right, Allah has granted women the right to keep all her own money. And she should. Or else look at how her husband spends her money on his new wife, and not complain about it!

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @farah,

    Wives who married 2nd, 3rd or 4th probably have the same concern – money, as the wives who married 1st. The subsequent wives may feel they get the short end of the stick. They think they get less than the wives who married first. Then they think of all the possessions and wealth the first wives accumulated with the husbands. It’s the wives pointing fingers back and forth. Many times, they have similar concerns, regardless of the number in sequence they married in. Some times the concerns are quite different. They, nonetheless, all have got some major concerns.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @Marie,

    There you and I go again. Thinking on the same wave length. It’s the funniest thing. LOL I have to run out, but I’ll approve comments while on the road, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @farah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, 🙂

    I’m so glad you are still here with us. I am very glad you spoke on how you feel about your husband spending money on his other wife. You are not alone in how you feel about it. It’s quite normal. Probably EVERY and I mean EVERY wife whose husband married another had the same exact concerns as you about money.

    Of course a wife instinctively is going to be concerned about her livelihood and that of her children. She especially is going to feel concerned when she knows her husband is not a millionaire, not even close to being a millionaire, but closer to being indigent. She will feel that way especially if she has worked to help get her family where they are. She will feel more so concerned and out of sorts if she is still working, as she will feel she is working to help the husband take care of his other woman. It’s not a good feeling at all.

    Humans by nature are not good at sharing. Except for many Pakistanis; they got the sharing with all in the family down packed; it seems. It’s not necessarily a good type of sharing they’ve got going on. They keep it all in the family when wealth is supposed to be shared with all different types of people in different situation.

    Anyhow, getting back to what you was saying. I understand how you feel about the money situation. I understand how you feel the other is not worthy of having your hard earned coin. I totally get it.

    To overcome it, you must do what we speak about here on the blog a lot. Turn your attention to Allah. What does Allah tell us in the Holy Quran about money and people? To not feel the hurt and pain associated with your husband spending money on his other family, you must remember that Allah determines everything. He determines who gets what and when. He says He provides. We humans; although, it appears we are providing, are not. It’s an illusion.

    Allah determined your husband would marry her and that he would spend the money he has on her. You have to remember that the money he spends on the other family came from Allah and He determined how it would be spent. You have to remember that Allah is the Doer of all things. He knows what’s best for us. Yes, you must attribute it all to Allah. When you do, and believe it’s all because of Allah, which is the TRUTH, you begin to feel better. You must, must, must learn and understand the TRUTH.

    Then begin to think of the rewards that you could gain from Allah, when you don’t try to interfere in Allah’s decisions. You try to accept what Allah has decided for you, your husband and the other wife. You try to accept Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm. Guess what? You should thenmay begin to see your life changing for the better. You may begin to see that you and your family’s finances improve and you receive more money and goods than you’ve had before. It may be as though Allah begins raining down gifts and bounties upon you.

    I wrote this fast as I must run out. You brought up a very good topic. You’re way, way normal. Your husband should love you more because of your selfLESSness, when he sees it. Most importantly pray that Allah is well pleased with you for your efforts and intent. Feel good that you were a source to help your husband get to the place where he could take on another wife. Your husband should love you more for all you’ve shared with him and the help you have given him with the permission of Allah.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Ana, it’s Ok vent away.

    Farah, I also had an issue with a certain someone getting more than what ‘I think’ they deserve. I took the example of prophet musa and his encounter with pharaoh. Pharaoh appeared to be successful and have more than what he deserves in term of worldly gain, the reality of it was he is one of the unsuccessful and will get what he deserves in the hereafter. Allah gives substance to us all, even the air we breath, and some would even like to take that away from someone they dislike. We have to know that EVERYTHING is Allah’s and He will give and take away from who He wills.

    Laila, I think the crazys pick on you because they want an argument, they want someone to take out their frustrations on who will entertain them. As far as I can remember the other women here who married a married man don’t write about how upset their co wives are, to some you may come across as inconsiderate. I believe you called her a tumour or a cancer in your life. That’s not going to sit well with a wife who is in severe pain because her husband married again

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    The reason you seem to be the subject of attack quite frequently here by outsiders who pop in could be because you come across as classy and confident. You don’t appear uppity, snooty or nasty in your disposition.

    You expressed to us that you have reached out to your co-wife on a number of occasions; although she rejected you. What you’ve shared with us let me know you’ve gone above and beyond what was expected of you, and made sacrifices for your co and her children. You were quite young when you did it. We know how some youngens would react to having time taken away. Although some older wives who married first act that way too. LOL.

    If you remember, we did jump on you when you first came to the blog. You compared your co to the disease cancer. When you did, some of us, including me, went ape sh!t on you But, you held your own. You’ve come and gone at times here. You always come back, which I am so happy you do. You’ve been very helpful in letting us know and understand better what it’s like being married to a married man. I’m sooo glad you are here with us and we’re all a blog family.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2015

    Farah, she is also his wife too you know.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2015

    Dear Farah, is money the only concern on your mind? How sure are you that your co is taking away the millions? Or are just assuming? BOTH you and your husband worked to build up your wealth. So maybe he is spending his portion on her, which to me is reasonable.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2015

    Dear Ana. I wonder why though I am the prime target for being attacked. Why these wives in pain blatantly always attack me and say such nasty stuff. Oh my God sometimes I am just so shocked with their questions. Anyway night night!

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 24, 2015

    @Sis Marie: yes, the verse is in Surah Al-Baqarah

    @Sis Ana: you are actually adorable when you vent

    <>

  • farah

    March 24, 2015

    Salaam all…

    Well read all the above and I do agree with Aisha85 it is very difficult

    I have not met or seen my Co wife and my husband does not want me to meet her

    I feel terribly insecure and I am more worried he will spend all our millions on the second wide whom don’t deserve it

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    I hear you, Marie. I’m just venting. Insha Allah, I’m going back to bed for a bit. I’ll chat with everyone a bit later. {hugs}

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    The same thing was said about that other crazy @$$ girl who was here going nutso on Laila and harassing me on this bog and by email – oh, she’s just in pain.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Yep, I agree with you. Her (aisha85) attack on 2nd wives was inexcusable. And I’m not excusing her now. Just saying there’s still a chance for her. Either way it makes no difference to us and our lives and hereafter. as I said to her, blaming everyone else doesn’t make the pain go away.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    @Marie,

    I agree with you that most of us never accepted polygamy in the beginning. The difference is that most of the commentators here came to this site not accepting polygamy, but wanted to. They wanted to rid themselves of the pain. They came here telling their stories. They expressed the dislike they have for their husbands’ other wives. They express the disappointment they have in their husbands. They want to share and learn.

    Then others come here and I can spot them from the onset that they are not here to help themselves, nor for the good of the blog. They hate polygamy. They are miserable and in pain and they hate anyone who supports polygamy. They come here not for any type of help. They come here to take their frustration and anger out on those of us here. They attack 2nd wives as though the 2nd wives here actually married their husbands. They disrupt the forum and people here spend valuable time talking to these people who don’t hear a word any one says in support of polygamy because they have closed their ears to it. All they know is what their hearts desire.

    They then leave this blog to go to another site to bellyache and spread their venomous rhetoric about Islam, Muslims and this site. I prefer they not come here and if they do, I prefer to recognize what they are about and get rid of them. If they somehow see the light down the road, and want to come back to the blog talking sensibly, then they would be welcome.

    I’ve dealt with the likes of Aisha85 since the blog has been in existence. I know what the likes of her is about. It’s not good.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Ummu’Ain. There is an ayat in quran where Allah tell us that if we keep denying His signs, He will cup our ears and seal our hearts. Jazakallah for all the reminders.

  • Marie

    March 24, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all.

    Ummu’Ain, your posts are beautiful. I read them to my husband and he likes them too.

    It is that aisha85 is in so much pain. It could be that she comes to accept polygamy later down the road as we heard in the post by ummu ain Allah accepts repentance untill the death bed. Most of us never accepted polygamy in the beginning. As for her husband and his other wife, they are reaping their rewards from their secret marriage. It’s a sad situation. 3 broken hearts, a divorce in progress and maybe another divorce to come. And a 2 year old child in the middle of it all. Allah rewards good with good and bad with bad. I hope they all are guided to put Allah before their desires.

    Have a blessed day all.

  • anabellah

    March 24, 2015

    I love you, too, my sister!!!

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 23, 2015

    Alhamdulillah…Im really glad that you are happy having me…coz i really love this blog. And I am beginning to feel so close to heart with all of the sisters here…

    I can see how powerful ukhuwah fillah (sisterhood for the sake of Allah) can be…if we put our hearts to one goal – to seek Allah’s pleasure – and strengthening one another towards that goal and reminding each other of it.

    I just have to say it…

    Uhibbukum fillah (I love you for Allah’s sake)…my lovely sisters

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Ummu ‘Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I LOVE your last post. Well said. You are soooo helpful. I receive insight from you. I like the way you explain our way of life – Islam. Your posts help me see clearer. Alhumdulliah!

    I’ve been thinking it’s time for me to write another post. Insha Allah, I’ll try to write one before the coming weekend is over. 🙂 I am soooo happy you are here. You are so special.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 23, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww…dearest sis ana

    This little drama with aisha85 makes me reflect. What you mentioned before about accepting polygamy as one of Allah’s law is really detrimental to our faith…just like accepting other laws like solah and covering the aurah.

    We just have to accept them without question first and foremost…and then when we are living and applying them in our lives with the trust in Allah…only then Allah will show us the hikmah (blessing) behind His laws.

    If we keep denying them, Allah will just close His door of guidance. Masyaa’Allah…

    Btw Sis Ana…when are you going to make a new entry to your blog? I’m always looking forward to your insights and I enjoy reading them.

    @Sis Mari2
    My du’a for you is may Allah ease your affair and guide you to a decision which is really best for you…aameen!!

    Im also wondering where sis farah is…hope she is still with us…

    Much love dearies

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Someone on the blog once said, “If someone shows you who they are, believe them”. It was a profound statement. People full of hate will try to hurt you. There is no if, and, or about it.

    Allah in the Holy Quran says, what rolls off their tongue is bad, but what is in their hearts is far worse. I’m not going to be nice and kind to an enemy. It’s crazy to do so.

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Bibi. Aisha85 is in a confused state. I thouht that initially she just wanted to attack me but now I get it. She is really sad and angry. I hope my message to her helps in some way.

    Dear Ana. Yes, we ALL have been attacked by some who feel that it is right to violate our privacy and use whatever we type to create further drama and issues. However these same group of people dislike it if the same treatment were to be given to them. Sometimes I think they want to play the role of God. They feel righteous and validated with their arguments. Polygamy is slavery for women etc etc etc. Polygamy is a choice. Just like same sex marriage is a choice, or having two husbands and one wife is a choice. We make those choices because Allah s.w.t. has presented it to us. Whether our decision making is right or wrong, at the end of the day, it is our life and our choice. We must respect that and not abuse our freedom of speech. We may not like the idea of lesbians and gay but then again we do not bombard sites that encourage this sort of lifestyle. We live and let live. For those who are reading, and feel polygamy is slavery. All I can say is, your ideas are twisted. I am living it, and I am enjoying it.

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Ana. I think you are right. She told it clearly that polygamy is not for her. Well…. back to my cleaning of my carpets.

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Aisha85. Give polygamy a thought. Maybe it will be a new chapter in your life. I hope you take care and cool down. Try to talk to your husband and do not go into the offence mode. Take some time for yourself and do not just immediately jump to a decision.

    Take care,

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Laila,

    Talking to the deaf, dumb and the blind – good luck!

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Mari2,
    I’m sure your wedding was beautiful. Hold onto those beautiful memories. Don’t let anyone try to take them from you,

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Aisha85. How I reacted to you was out of my sincerity. After reading your story I understood your pain, and anger. However, my only advice is to give your husband and your marriage a fighting chance. I find it sad that the other wife’s life is in limbo. Your son too needs a father figure as he is only two years old. Every marriage isn’t perfect. In the part of the world where I live people assume being a second wife I live a fairly lavish life. But not many realize what we DID to come to a comfortable state. You would think after being comfortable we would be happier? Nope. Instead we fought more.our fights escalated fast and we would say nasty stuff to one another. Till one day I just had a heart to heart talk with my hubbs. I said, if we are unhappy then it is pointless living together. Either we BOTH work this out or walk for good.

    We have since been working on our issues a lot. He does his best to accept my views and I too try to be patient and not loose my cool easily. Marriage is hard work. Sit down and be realistic to yourself. Ask yourself what are the cause to any cracks and what can you do? Polygamy is not easy, but neither does it not come with some benefits. Talk to the other wife. If you can handle it. And try to give everything and everybody some time. Who knows? Your marriage and this new polygamy chapter could drastically change your life? Now that I am in polygamy, I will never want to go monogamy. I love the idea of a few days on my own. I love that I have time for ME, clean our home and straighten stuff out before he heads home. I like having time for my parents. Look forward to meeting him and somehow we have loads to catch up. It is like meeting my bff at times

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    @Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, dear sister,

    You would have justifiable reason to divorce, but don’t go there yet. I know you love him. You have a good heart. Your post brought tears to my eyes. About loving him more than Allah, we’ve all been there with loving someone more than Allah. We have to get to square one first. Square one is knowing we aren’t supposed to love anyone more than Allah. It’s the beginning and it’s a good start. You know it’s not good to love someone more than Allah and you’re a lot further along than many people. You can’t change that love. Only Allah can. You simply have to go to Allah in prayer, and ask Him to change the love. Only He can do it. Ask Him to purify your heart. Don’t despair. It’s all about patience, perseverance and prayer. Don’t give up. Allah swt will show you what to do. He will guide you and help you. You must believe it. It’s what Belief is all about. Believing Allah can do all things and He is the Doer of all things.

    Mari2, take it easy right now. Don’t try to figure things out. Just let life unfold, but do your part with reference to worshiping Allah. Allah will take care of you. You must believe it. Only Allah knows what the future holds for you.

    I think it’s beautiful that you are willing to help out cousin girl with her education. The way people believe in this world about being used, we as Muslims aren’t supposed to think as non-believers do. If we believe in Allah, He won’t let anyone “use” us. The good we do seeking the good pleasure of Allah, and seeking no one else pleasure yield good results. It adds to our good deeds. Allah pays us back ten fold or more for the loans we make in His cause. It’s all good, Mari2. Don’t sweat it, sister. You’re going to be okay smile. You’re in Allah’s hand {{{hugs}}}

  • Mari2

    March 23, 2015

    And while our marriage may not be Islamic when looking at it, our wedding was so simply Islamic. 4 witnesses and an Imam. No mehndi, no outlandish clothes, no wedding hall. No ridiculous dowry. Just M and me. His dowry paid. Small walima that I cooked for. No stage, nothing like that. No music. No dancers. Nothing. Just a very simple wedding.

  • Mari2

    March 23, 2015

    Salams to all my sister’s here. Thank you all for your feedback on my predicament and marriage to M. It really meant a lot to me and I appreciate your insight. I am especially thankful for the cultural insight as well. And no Ana I didnt find your response to be harsh. My biggest problem is that I love M. Perhaps more than I love Allah. That well may be the crux of my problems. I need to figure my issues out. As for having money. ..yes, but it is what Allah has given me. And while I can lord it here, I am circumspect about lording it over him as a means of control. I don’t want to be that person. But I also don’t want to be the person taken advantaged of either.

    No matter what transpires between M and I, with regard to cousin wife, I have only asked for transparency and honesty from M. That is all. I would even be fine with supporting her education and medical care IF M would acknowledge my place|existence as a wife. But currently he will not. So obviously I have some serious thinking to do.

    If I desire an Islamic divorce based upon his lack of honesty when contracting the second marriage, would I have a justified reason to leave?

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    @Hafsah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s not a matter of whether a person lives in the East or West. Living in the East or the West doesn’t determine a person’s fate or circumstances. Each person accounts to Allah individually and it has nothing to do with his or her location. A person’s lot has nothing to do with geography or demographics. A person’s condition and circumstances have to do INDIVIDUALLY with a person’s relationship with Allah.

    Allah, in the Holy Quran, makes promises to us. He tells us who He rewards, who He punishes, and why. If a person’s condition is not one of contentment and ease, it’s because the person is not doing something correctly as prescribed by Allah. Yes, Allah tests the Believers, but the Believers come out victorious. The Believers are triumphant. Allah protects the Believers.

    Women shouldn’t blame their condition on how men treat them. Do you think Allah would let a man treat a Believing woman badly unless she is deserving of the treatment? Allah is a Just God. Many men and women never read the Quran and have no idea what we are supposed to BELIEVE. They have no idea what a Believer is. Being a Believer is about BELIEF. It’s not about putting the right sock on first, or eating with the right hand and such. It’s not about smoking a cigarette, wearing makeup, painting a toe nail etc. People need to learn what righteousness and belief are before they can make any progress in life. Allah promises the Believer comfort and ease in this life and far more in the the Hereafter. He says after hardship there is relief in this life. After hardship there is ease in this life. It’s not about living in the East or the West. It’s about being a Believer.

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Bibi,

    You got that right!!! Many women think they owned their husbands. They think their husbands are their property. Those are definitely people who don’t know or understand that we, everything, and everybody belong to Allah. A person cannot be a “Believer” and reject polygamy. Only “Believers” will be in Paradise. A “Muslim” who rejects polygamy could never be anything more than a mere Muslims, not a “Believer”.

    Love to you, too, Sis {{{hugs}}}

  • Bibi

    March 23, 2015

    Wow some people really hate polygamy. AstugfirAllah. Women need to stop thinking they OWN their husbands. We are all property of our Creator Allah SWT. Shukran Allah for saving me from such a dark construed mindset.

    Love to you all.

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Aisha85,

    Goodbye!

  • Aisha85

    March 23, 2015

    Laila- My apologies to you. You certainly did not deserve what I said to you. JazaakiAllaahu khair for being the bigger person. What you said was incredibly kind and surprisingly the only thing which had warmed my heart this horrendous week.

    My son’s father has initiated divorce from the woman this afternoon. She came to my mother in law’s house pleading with his family to let her see him and when they did all hell broke loose. I have told him to never dare divorce her as the damage is already done, this makes no difference to me!

    His mother thinks I am teaching him a lesson and wants him to come to me after the iddah period. She does not realize that with or without that woman in the picture I have no interest whatsoever to reconcile with him.

    Polygamy is not for me and neither is this website.

    Regards
    Aisha

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    I have no patience or tolerance for a “Muslim” who does not know her or his faith, nor for a non-Muslim who sets out to harm another person who has done nothing to her or him. I’ve been on the receiving end of the bad treatment of such evil, hateful, horrible people. Such people had set out to harm my family and me. They (with their ignorant selves) threatened to report me to the police. They set out to destroy my family and my livelihood. It was by the Grace of Allah that their plots and plans bore no fruit. What they set out to do did not come to fruition. My family and I fell under Allah’s protection. Alhumdulliah!!! I’m happy to know that what they planned for me will come back on them some how or another, unless they’ve done what Allah says one must do when they wrong another. It’s best to stay clear of certain people.

    Marie said it correctly. Just because someone has been hurt, it does not justify them taking their hurt and frustration out on someone who hasn’t done a darn thing to the person. I’ve learned my lesson about so called “Muslims” who do such a thing. I’m not going to excuse such a person’s actions. I’m not going for the okie doke. The person is an enemy to me and to Allah. We all here have been in pain or are in pain. We are trying to get ourselves right with Allah, so he could relieve us of the pain or stay pain free. We’re not here attacking one another because we’re in pain and want another person, any person, to feel pain. It’s unacceptable. I’m not going with what some say – Aisha85 is hurting and in pain, so it’s okay for her to come here and unleash crazy on people. Laila has dealt with and been the victim of crazy on other sites out there in cyberspace, as I have. I’m not about to let crazy come up in here and attack her in her own home.

  • Bibi

    March 23, 2015

    Laila may Allah bless you for being the bigger person willing to be a punching bag for Aisha85. I hope she stays and read the advice given here and implement it. Right now her wounds are fresh I don’t think she’s in the right frame of mind to comprehend what we’re saying at the moment. InshaAllah she’ll come around soon.

    Stay blessed lovely ladies. Often I think of all of you to myself and thank Allah the Most Compassionate for bringing us all together.

    Allah be Thanked

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 23, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww…wonderful sisters

    Wow…Aishah85 really sounds like she is in tremendous pain. I am sure she is full of emotion at the moment. Although she is a doctor, who are usually rational and calm, her pain is clouding her. And I say we do not respond to emotional comments with emotions.

    Having said that…in relation with second and subsequents wives…I am reminding ourselves again that even the whole of their fate in life has been decreed for them…including their marriage. Allah has decreed and willed for it to happen.

    Some may say that it was a choice for the women to marry a married man. Well, yes that was BEFORE it happened. But when it DOES happen, it means that it is what Allah WILLS. Therefore, it is a responsiblity for a Believer (Mu’minah) to strive in accepting it with the trust that Allah is the ONLY one who knows what is best for His servant.

    That is why it is a strive to come to a level of “Mu’minah”. If not…we will forever be stuck at the level of ONLY a Muslim…not yet a believer.

    According to Allah, only The Believers are the successful ones (Al-Muflihuun). He has even dedicated a chapter in the Holy Qur’an to the believers (Surah Al-Mu’minuun : 1 – 11)

    My du’a for Aishah85 is for Allah to shed light upon her heart and guide her towards clarity in dealing with her situation.

    And for all of us here…”Rabbi yassir wa laa tu’assir wa tammim umuuranaa bi khair…aameen” [My Lord, please grant us ease in handling our affairs and do not make it difficult for us; and end our affairs in goodness…aameen]

    Much love to all of my dearies

  • Marie

    March 23, 2015

    Hafsah, also if what you say is correct that in the east a woman can not survive without a husband, then all the more reason for polygamy. Should a woman go without a husband to support and provide for her because another woman rejects polygamy? If it’s that bad in the east (and I’m not saying it isn’t) shouldn’t a woman have empathy for an unmarried woman and share the blessings that Allah has given her.

  • Marie

    March 23, 2015

    Shaima, I have been in polygamy for about 8 months and have 3 children. I have tried not to show my upset and sometimes anger around my children. Sometimes when my children ask to go with their father he takes them, sometimes he doesn’t (if they have school ect) my children know that they can go with their father and are made to feel welcome when they go to my co’s home, she had brought them toys and games for when they are there (her children are older and don’t play with toys) her home is there home too and vice versa. My 4 year old draws pictures of ‘our family” co including, it’s heart warming. I agree with all that ummof4 said also, if the mother hates something the children grow to hate it too.

    Hafsah, I do not feel like my comment was unfair. As a Muslim Woman we should strive to accept everything in the quran including polygamy whether ones lives it or not.
    I often hear women who live in so called Muslim countries that claim to live by shariah law, say that woman in the west have ‘choice’ and they have no choice. You can based your choice on your level of belief. I was pointing out that 1,2,3,4 wives deserve the same amout of sympathy, empathy ect as each other. Why does a woman who married first more deserving of sympathy than a woman who married a married man?what more ‘choice’ does she have over other human beings? I read a book that studied polygamous family’s and all of the second wives when ask why they married a married man said they had no choice. Furthermore, if women who live in these so called Muslim countries feel oppressed and are not allowed to practice their religion or have there rights (which includes education and being able to work) they can go to a land where they will be able to. As Allah states this in the quran.

    Woman need to get off the backs of 2,3,4 wives and stop blaming them for their lack of understanding and acceptance of the religion.

    I understand that aisha85 is hurting and incredibly angry. But that is no excuse to try and hurt another woman.

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Ana. Aisha85 is feeling all sorts of crazy right now. Instead of attacking her, I intend to allow her to just screw me up. If it makes her feel better and help her to cope, then so be it.

    Dear Aisha85, after reading your story I know where you are coming from. I forgive you for your mean, hateful shit comments. I forgive you. You can go on saying whatever you want about me to make yourself happy. I am okay with it. We are here as support for you. You are in massive amount of pain and if I were in your shoes, I would react the same to all second wives. You are going through a real rough patch. But my dear sister in faith. I lost my virginity to my hubbs. I spread my legs after my marriage. He is the ONLY man Ive ever had sexual relations with. I saved myself because I come from a traditional background. So, I did not know how to seduce a man before marrying him. I learnt through my own experiences with him. I let him touch my goodies after my nikah. So, I did not do what you are assuming. Sorry but you touched on a sensitive part and I had to elaborate. Okay?!…

    Don’t just look at your night shifts as an excuse. Look at your whole marriage. Do not just blame your husband entirely, look at the bigger picture my dear.

    I am not suggesting that you are the cause. But in every marriage it is both the partners at some fault or need work. So I understand your hurt, vent all you want. I just want you to heal.

    I am sincere in my post to you.

  • anabellah

    March 23, 2015

    Aisha85 is just so full of hate, and her posts are venemous. There is no getting through to her. She hears not a word anyone here says.

    There is no need for Aisha85 to attack Laila and make it personal simply because her (Aisha85’s) husband exercised a right Allah had given men to be polygamous. Aisha85′ co- wife, the same as Laila AND the “Mothers of the Believers” were within their right to marry the men they married because it happened.

    Aisha85, you spread your legs for your husband the same way that Laila spread hers for her husband; I spread mine for my husband and every woman spread hers for her own husband. You sound like the tart. Laila doesn’t. She askef you to stop referencing her. If you have a problem with your co-wife, don’t take it out on Laila. Laila didn’t marry your husband. Don’t get it twisted.

  • Hafsah

    March 23, 2015

    Salaam

    I can see pain behind aisha85. I understand the pain and do not believe she mean to make harm to Laila. But I must say I see the post from Marie to aishah85 as unfair. When you say first wife has as much choice in polygamy as second or third because she choose to marry a muslim man. A muslimah has no choice to marry anybody else. She must marry a muslim man, wheter she approves of the rights of a muslim husband or not. And in many muslim nations a woman without husband can not survive. So not marry at all is not a choice. So many first have NO choice. And the contract to give first right to talaq if polygamy, well we all know that many women have no real way of asking for such a clause since all matters regarding their marriage is decided by the men. So Maries answer make me believe she lives in the west with choices and ways for a woman to be indepenent. This is not so for many women. So in this way first wife does have less choice than second and third and fourth.

  • ummof4

    March 23, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Shaima, most children who live in polygyny will feel as their mother feels. If the mother is always angry, jealous, and thinking of ways to hurt her husband and the other wife, the children will not like their father and not like his other wife. It doesn’t matter if it is the children of wife 1, 2, 3, or 4. If the mother is striving to please Allah and just lives her life as a married woman with children, the children will love their father and like or love his other wife.
    My children are now grown, married, and with children of their own. They grew up in polygyny. They love their father dearly and they still have a relationship with the wife their father had when they were growing up. My husband and that particular wife divorced many years ago. Since then he has married a second wife again. My children say to me “Umm, if you’re okay with it, I’m okay with it.” And I’m always okay with it, because my husband loves me and respects me. But more important, my husband loves Allah more than he loves me, and we both are striving to be true believers.

    Aisha 85, please stay with us. You are angry now, but if you stay with us, you may get a better understanding of Islam and women who are married in polygyny, whether wife 1, 2, 3, or 4. And for the record, I have often told my husband that if he dies and I were even to consider getting married again, it would probably be to a man who was already married. I am a creature of habit, and I am used to polygyny.

    Everyone, have a nice day and remember Our Lord, Creator, and Sustainer Allah often. Remember to thank Allah many times today for what He has given us.

  • Aisha85

    March 23, 2015

    Laila- by irrationally ranting on you’ve just proven to be just another insecure and quite frankly pathetic second wife. Women like you who spread their legs for a married man make me sick. Taking no account for an already existing family.

    For those of you who mentioned the Mother’s of the Believers- how on earth could you compare these little tarts to pious, selfless women who should all aspire to?

    I have been working night shift on average three times a week as a locum doctor for the past six months. This had taken it’s toll on my marriage and my husband has decided to marry a second wife three weeks ago. His family and I did not know when the nikah took place.

    We’ve been married for five years and have a two year old son. He knew I would not accept but still went ahead with it. He rented a small flat for his second wife who I happen to know ten minutes away from our house.

    We are now separated and I have no intention of going back to him. My mother in law has informed me how he has kicked his second wife out, pathetically blaming her for lying to me as she supposedly seduced him. Their flat is now empty and he’s at his mother’s house. My mother in law had been calling me to take him back, he has been in bed semi catatonic for a week since I found out. I just cannot find it in my heart to ever see him the same ever again. My own mother went to visit him and told me how his current state broke her heart.

    His second wife knows I will annihilate her if she ever comes near me. She approached my mother to try to convince me to be happy with the entire situation in order for him to be happy with her as he no longer wants polygamy. I really cannot do it. I certainly do not want to be in polygamy nor do I want him back as his only wife.

    Regards,
    Aisha

  • Laila

    March 23, 2015

    Dear Bibi. Thank you for your support. I’ve always met the likes of Aisha85. Initially their questions seem so ever innocent but then before you know it they will literally throw some far out unwanted comment to make you feel so lousy about yourself. In short, you are conflicted. I refuse to be her little guinea pig. Where she feels that she can judge me and later use whatever I’ve posted here to bang me back. Clearly she has some sort of a problem and she should seek help and not just throw statements around. Really Bibi, I’ve had enough of people like this, either in real life or in cyber space. I don’t want their validation. If they don’t like the lifestyle I lead then tough luck. It is not my problem and as I’ve said, I am not her mother. I believe some people really dislike polygamy and feel that they can judge the newer wives and feel that whatever the newer wives feel that it is their price to pay. I’m done explaining myself to the likes of these sort, and quite frankly speaking, my skin is too thick to be bothered, or even to take the slightest offence. Sorry, but she did not win in making or trying to make my day like crap. Futile attempt.

  • Bibi

    March 23, 2015

    Laila girl You Told it like it is. Well said. The nerve of Aisha85. I’m trying to give the benefit of doubt but she definitely brought the thunder. Don’t let it get to you. Stay positive

  • Ruqayyah

    March 23, 2015

    Oh and Ana we are trying for a baby (yay) he has finally agreed to us trying. Although we’ve had a few bumps in his stupidity. Not sure if I’m irrational but ive asked for him n9t to discuss polygamy or women until he meets someone he likes. But now we’re trying to get pregnant he keeps talking about what it’d be like to have 2 of us pregnant. I’ve gotten to the point of being able to joke about it, not sure if he’s got mixed messages that sometimes i can laugh it off and othr times i ask him to stop discussing it. Is it wrong to ask him to not discuss it all the time?

  • Ruqayyah

    March 23, 2015

    @Shaima wa alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatu. I do believe men naturally love in a more islamic way however not 100% of the time. It is evident when one man loves and leans to 1 wife over the other etc. Or when he puts his parents above all else including Allah. Good love is loving Allah first and spouse second.
    As for kids they adjust. I have friends who come from very non traditional kinds of family and yet they are still happy. A lot of it comes from the parents attitude. Having a husband who shares your parenting ideas helps a great deal. My husband and mines ideal is that the kids will generally be where they want, with their mum or with dad if they want. My husband wishes to be a hands on parent as much as possible and this was important for me to seek out before marriage. His idea is if 1 wife needs help on a day that isnt hers he will go to her. The other wife can choose to come along or stay behind. Of course you definitely need good communication between all 3 for this to work otherwise 1 wife may think u are using kids to your advantage especially if she doesn’t have children of her own, or follows a more independent parenting style

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Coco, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. Your posts are genuine and to the point. Your cheerfulness is evident in the way you write that when I read your posts I feel happiness, sunshine on my cheeks and just positive vibes. Do drop in more often. How is your marriage plans? Or in other words your relationship going,

  • Bibi

    March 22, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum. Wow sooooo much to catch up on. I’m trying my best to stay on top of what’s happening here.

    Ana omgeeeee preach it. You had me in it when you were like ” she bleeds like any other woman, she does this like any other woman…..” Woah totally blew my mind. You summed it up very well. I agree with you 110%
    Shaima welcome to the blog. I’d like to see you stick around and learn more about you inshaAllah

    Aisha85 welcome lady. Reading your posts seems like you are speaking from a place of pain and anguish instead of from your heart. I’m a third wife and like ana said and Laila I think you really don’t now what you’re getting into and sometimes you think you can handle it but once the knot is tied u realise you are in over your head. All these feelings you never thought was within you starts rising to the surface. Uncontrollable anger jealousy hatred etc. as previously mentioned, 2nd third and fourth wives can say the same about the first wives they knew their potential husband could end up marrying again so they knew what they were getting into when she married the man. I think it takes a very strong woman to marry a married man. The first wife probably have kids together now that’s a hard pill to swallow. And it takes an even stronger woman as a first wife to accept a second third or fourth. Polygamy is the way of our Prophet Pbuh. No one can argue with that case closed.

    Ummof4 you’re a beacon of light. Everytime you stop in you bring a ray of sunshine. Forty years my gosh. Congratulations I wish you many more happy happy years together. MashaAllah. Shukran for all of your advice you give here. Even if it’s not directed to me I take it in and try my best to implement it into my daily lifestyle.

    Laila oh my goodness the lovely Paris I could only dream of. What a wonderful place to get your baby making on. I wish you the best.

    Ina your co sounds so ridiculously immature tagging along with hubs I mean dosent she have a life of her own, friends family. Maybe it’s the newlywed fever reality hasn’t hit yet. I agree with all who advised you not to view her Facebook she’s trapping you. Ummof4 told you to imagine her everytime you get the urge to look on her facebook imagine me to saying don’t do it no good will come from it

    Coco puff dear I’ve missed you so. I’m glad you’re staying busy. Treat yourself to a spa day. That’s something I like about pakistan the spa lady coming to your house doing facials pedicures and manicures the whole 9 yards. Home service I love it. Oh and on the real housewives, Kim is a complete mess. That fight with Lisa rina and Eileen whew. Her and Kyle it’s too sad. Take care xoxo

    Marie I hope you are doing well

    I’m so glad we have a common place to come and vent and to help each other up. A place where we are understood, a place where someone else was or are in the same position as us and can advise us from experience. Love love love

    It’s officially spring where I am. Loving the weather mashALLAH

    Remember to thank Allah for everything in your life. Some parts of the world children are suffering and dying from thirst and starvation. Others are living with aids and cancer.
    In happiness or sad times THANK ALLAH AZA WA JAAL

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Aisha85, thank you for stating indirectly that due to my sheer stupidity and irrational thinking that I deserve what Ive put myself into. Well, for starters I would not be where I am at my age if I was stupid. I would probably be a mistress and have a lavish monthly income and a great car and a posh condo. But because I am so stupid, and settled for less I have a husband that loves me to bits, who argues with me and snuggles with me in bed early in the mornings and talks to me. I am so stupid, therefore I landed with a family. Me, my hubbs and our little cat. Because I am so stupid instead of renting like most mistresses do I ended up with a beautiful, big home. A home that is filled with love and great furniture which all my friends admire. Because Aisha85, I am so stupid I ended up going back to University and study. The higher management decided that I was so stupid that I deserved to study harder for my Masters. Oh yes… oh… Because I am so stupid too that my salary as an educator was at some point was peanuts. I was so stupid really that I could afford to pay for my mums vacations and buy expensive stuff for myself. I could dine out at nice little cafes and go out and do my own thing while my hubbs is busy. I am also so stupid because I end up going on holidays around and see the world.

    So, I want you to know this. I’ve met “smart” people like you in real life and even in cyber space. I know how you little “smart” people start a little fire and then vanish. You take joy in creating intelligent arguments that rob others of their joy. You are like a pimple that never really heals. Full of puss and quite frankly smell bad. So, if you think that all second wives are clowns then so be it. I am not your mother to give a rats a** … but do me a favour girl? Stay out of my life and please don’t comment further on me. I am living my life in accordance to Islam. Prophet Muhammad is my guide. Allah s.w.t. is my Lord. So if you still think that polygamy is a mistake by our Lord then I guess you are a huge mistake too. Thank you but I do not value your two cents worth of opinion. Oh you may also start saying then that why not women start having a few husbands to made the deal sweet and “smart”?…. I will not be surprised 😉

  • shaima

    March 22, 2015

    Salam Alaykum all, thank u for the answers, the blog is really a blessing, its good to read here also if u live in monogamy. It is said woman way to love is too emotionally dependent and thats not good…i ask me when woman find true love to allah through polygamy,what is with mens? love they naturally the right way woman? Is polygamy improving the love from men to allah? Because at sight of mens, it seems they marry more for nafs not really for Allah.Or am i not right?
    I have another question,have the kids the same trouble like the womans with polygamy? what to do when little kids cry after daddy, or when they become angry at the father?

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    Hey there coco, no, your right, when I said in an earlier post I was accused of being to harsh, I had voiced my opinion about secret wives. Bearing in mind I was speaking of a particular type of woman who is happy to go along with lying, deceiving another person, and yes that includes the husband in the wrong behaviour. There’s nothing wrong with marring a married man, so I don’t see why one would have to keep a secret. We live and we learn Insha’allah. I can only pray that Allah does not make me one who lies and decive another person.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @coco,

    There you are, coco puff . I have a few things to do, but, Insha Allah, will be back to read you

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    Marie, it’s incredible. I was just getting ready to write – here we go again and found you said, “we did it again.” ROFL It’s sooooo funny!!! We were writing at the same time. I sent my comment and then saw yours. Yes, we’re on the same wave length. Great minds do thing a like. I don’t meant to toot my own horn and I’m sure you don’t either, but what can we say? You know what I’m saying LOL

  • coco

    March 22, 2015

    Assalaamualiekum and a massive Hello to all the beauties here!! ☺️

    I’m unable to post as much as I wish to but to all my sisters I keep you in my prayers. A warm welcome to the newbies farah, Shima and whoever else I may have missed keep reading this is THE place to find guidance, peace or clarity.

    Ana
    Oh I’ve missed you so… as well as the blog of course, I try to stay up-to-date as much as possible but work and life has me much occupied yet i think of all the lovely sisters here every day! I’m so happy you got to unwind and vacay! You must have had a few lovely relaxing days, I’m so ecstatic for you my beautiful sister. And you’ve wrote a few beautiful posts from the past few days especially the latest one. You never fail to help us grow as individuals whether morally or spiritually. Ooo I watched John Wick recently you MUST I love Love LOVED it and wow Keanu Reeves is 50 WOWWWWWW he looked smashing and did his role with such finesse its a film you can enjoy with your husband not a chick flick. TRUST me! Hehe xo

    Ummu’Ain
    subhanAllah sister your story left me with goosebumps I think all of us here can learn to not jump to conclusions and judge another without knowing ones background story. I find it repulsive and feel sorrow for they have no compassion for another. I learned so much from your wise words jazahkAllah xo

    Bibi biiiiiiiiiii biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
    how are you my loveeeee??!! I miss you especially miss thang. I hope your lil pumpkins are well every time I tune into RHOBH I think of you hehehe our poor fun Kim is definitely using up again she’s gone absolutely cray cray lol xo

    Ummof4
    Mabrooook on becoming a grandmother once again you and your family must be beaming with joy mashAllah stay blessed sister! xo

    Laila
    Hope you’re faring well gorgeous! Paris sounds exciting may you inshAllah be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby hopefully conceived in the city of love. How cool would that be? xo

    Mari2
    Oh love my heart goes out to you on this difficult time you’re facing. I’m quite familiar with these pompous Pathan men not wanting to hear lip from a woman. One thing I’ve heard from the start is that our woman are very obedient, unfortunately he and his his mommy dearest may be comparing you to the new wife or may have pointed out how you may have been vocal or simply had a voice like any wife has yet the woman from tribal areas are born and raised with the purpose to SERVE & OBEY their husbands without a voice period! It’s quite a contradiction as we woman raised in the west clearly voice our opinions and thoughts lol Don’t worry if that’s what he wanted he would have married one of his own years ago that’s exactly the type of woman they want to run from. But he has his mother family breathing all vile things down his neck to make him detach from you. I agree call his bluff and if you don’t want to then kill him with sweetness Ana is right he sure does think he’s big bad daddy right now. I think sometimes voicing ones opinions with calmness causes more of a ripple, what more could you do for him your accepting another woman gracefully after sacrificing so much you’ve given your ALL maybe it’s time he simply realises that you have nothing else left to give now you’re emotionally mentally and financially draining for his happiness yet he wants to emotionally threaten you to not coming back huh! Let me tell you he cannot survive there give him a week or two more and he will feel home sick and exhausted from the family drama that goes on. Stay patient and don’t get scared your not blessed to have him he’s blessed to have you! It takes “Akhroats” (walnut heads) longer to come to senses than than others lol Stay strong love xo

    Marie
    Congratulations on having a baby girl soon mashAllah girls are so much fun dressing up and accessorising and they grow up to be a great friend. Have you been having any wacky cravings? Hehe Pardon me babe but I feel your choice of the word disgusting would scare off many silent secret wives it’s a bit harsh of a word to use as sometimes many of the secret wives don’t have a choice, control or even hold the knowledge that they may be a secret or know of a previous wife. It’s the husband whose disgusting if he jumps from one wife to the other like a monkey. Only Allah knows if anyone is genuine by heart. I’m feeling this especially after reading the story posted by sister Ummu’Ain maybe you might too upon reading it. Anyways may Allah keep you blessed xo

    Ina
    Sister nice to see you here again. May Allah keep you patient, give you the resilience to stay strong, give your co-wife the maturity to handle a polygamous marriage and lastly your husband a backbone to do what’s JUST! xo

    Aisha85
    Welcome to the blog sister! I reckon you’re in a lot of pain and must feel resentful which is understandable BUT your post was way insensitive and rather combative towards Laila. Lemme ask you something if you actually feel that second wives have no right to complain and crib about polygamy as they made a CHOICE to be a second wife THEN don’t you think the first wives also made a CHOICE by staying in a marriage once she learned her husband is to or has become polygamous? OUCHHHHHH sounds like bull$hit right? Well that’s exactly how you made Laila or any of the other latter wives feel. Now I don’t believe in either statement and I come from a neutral perspective as I’m not polygamous I just said it to make you realise how hurtful that sort of comment can make another feel. Alhumdullilah that our Allah doesn’t judge his creation as we do or what woud become of us all?

    Gail
    Hope you and your cheeky munchkins are well adjusted to the neighborhood and it’s quite commendable you’ve lost so much weight I wish to as well soon inshAllah Kudos to you! xo

    Anyways veryyyyy late on my side heading to bed much love to all you gorgeous gorgeous beings! xo ❤️

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    Ana, we did it again, I was writing while you was posting. We had the same opinion on the mothers of the believers. Great minds lol

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    Hello aisha85

    Welcome to the 411. If you don’t mind me butting in. I married my husband first, the first time he mentioned polygamy to me I didn’t accept but the second time I didn’t oppose I ‘thought’ I would handle it well as I had some time to come to terms with it. Well I was wrong, I went through days that was just torture. I suppose women who marry married men also think that they will be fine, but soon finds out that she is struggling. I personally believe the amount of pain ANY wife goes through is a reflection of her relationship with Allah, I also believe that’s it’s the same for the men involved. Also I think intentions and expectations are involved, a subsequent wife may believe that after some time the husband will divorce his current wife/wives and be with just her, she may want to hurt the first wife, either way, we ALL will get what’s owed to us/what we earned.

    You said you don’t feel sympathy for a 2,3,4 wife, well the same could be said for a woman who married first. She married a Muslim man who has the right to marry upto 4 women at the same time, why feel sorry for her, she knew this and if she didn’t like it then she can just live her life alone with no husband at all.

    Now, from your comments I’m guessing you are either in a polyganous marriage or was in one. And you had married the man first. It’s painful, but the pain won’t just disappear by blaming other people. We are all here if you would like to share anything about yourself.

    You also said that any woman with self respect would not marry a married man. I strongly disagree with you as the mothers of the believers married a married man and they were 10 times to woman any of us are, including you. Marring a married man does not define you as a woman, piety does.

  • Ina

    March 22, 2015

    The problem is that hubby will not take charge of the schedule. I think the reason is so that he cannot be blamed for whatever is decided. He say he doesn’t mind as long as the days are fair so he sits on the fence because it’s the easiest place to be.

    Now her tagging along when he is working is not exactly the hardest job because he is a tour guide so she’s been to Spain (twice) and then around London today. In 2 months time, she will travelling around all over Europe. But because he won’t be able to focus on her for every minute of 24 hrs in a day on those working weekends, she wants those weekends to be replaced. Since she started her course in Jan, she’s has only had to leave hubby alone for a few hours on 2 occasions. Practically everyday can be a weekend to them but no, she has to go out at the weekend so she can tell the whole world about it. Somehow it’s not the same if it’s on a weekday. This what makes me scream and pull my hair out. We cannot go out Mon-Fri because kids have school but it’s makes no difference to her whatsoever. Sometimes, I think because she knows this, she will take the weekends away from me whenever she can. This working weekend is just one such reason.

    Yes, Laila, I feel like boxing her too. I feel like boxing hubby too for allowing her to do it. There really is no point me talking to him about the weekends because it just makes me angry. But I have insisted on the 2 weeks in summer and I think it’s been agreed but not sure about the dates yet.

    I try not to complain to his parents or his sister. Initially, it was because I did not want to influence their impression of her. I don’t want to seen as badmouthing her before they had a chance to judge for themselves. I know hubby has talked to his mother about his experiences with polygamy.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Aisha85,

    Are you saying the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives (the “Mothers of the Believers”) when he was polygamous, were “predisposed to stupidity and Irrational thinking”?Are you saying the “Mothers of the Believers” had no “self worth” due to having married a married man – the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)? Allah permits polygamy for men. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was polygamous and all of the Prophets are our examples. It’s okay for a man to be monogamous or polygamous. If he is polygamous, there will be women who will marry married men the same as “the Mothers of the Believers did. It’s okay for women to marry married men, as it’s the only way men will become polygamous. Women are women and have the same rights whether married 1, 2, 3 or 4.

    Are you questioning what Allah permits for men? Are you questioning Allah, as though you know better than He does? Allah who is God and created the Heaven, the earth and all between you are questioning? Where is all of what you as a Muslim women is saying, coming from? I’m baffled by the way you think. I won’t hold it against you because I had to learn as well, but at least try to listen and make an effort. You come with nothing from the Quran to support your position. You come from how you feel based simply on emotions and no logic. Who do you think you are? You don’t know what Allah has decreed for you. You may find yourself alone with no husband or being a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wife with no one to show any empathy, sympathy or compassion for you, as you give none. It’s an arrogant position that you have taken.

  • Ina

    March 22, 2015

    @ Ana,

    All thanks to you for opening this blog to support those who need it. Its a relief to be able to share/vent our problems here. I love this blog family {{{hugs}}}

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Ana, you answered it so well for me. Yes, after getting married and being intimate one does have invested feelings in her husband. One does get tangled in the web of jealousy and anger and frustrations. It even worsens if one wife is sort of not taken seriously. Hubbs had a tough time accepting that both his wives are different. We differ in age, mentality, cultural beliefs, and emotional and even sexual needs. Till today he still has issues. Because when he says things he does not even realize how it may sting me. Mind you till today. So you are so right. Sometimes we second, third or fourth wife think what is in store but till you get into the roller coaster ride would you really understand what you are in for the long run. My issues have ranged from her pushing me using the kids, to him using my time for unwanted things,to finance to him not treating me like a priority, to me just loosing my love and need for him. Seriously, there was a time where I just did not need him for nuts. The depression that is faced by first wives are experienced by all wives. The only jackpot question is when? The periods differs really. I am living with a fussy, and difficult man. Difficult because he is the type that wants to always be the alpha dog in our relationship. This has taken its toll on us. Nowdays I break it down to him. I tell him that is he wants to be happy he has to make me happy. And that is by letting me be the alpha dog in my home. Don’t try and rule in my home. As long as we aren’t disrupting each other lives and my co does not call me, I am all good. You know the movie Endless Love? Hubbs is EXACTLY like the father. He pushes his weight around. That is my husband, and nowdays….. I too like being the alpha dog. I like running my home as I see fit. I don’t want to be told what to do. I don’t like silly questions when it comes to certain things.

  • Aisha85

    March 22, 2015

    Anna,
    I do agree with you on one thing- Allaah azza wa jall decrees everything in the universe.

    However, unless you are predisposed to stupidity and irrational thinking I cannot imagine and will not accept that a woman with any self worth would enter a marriage being a second wife.

    The way I see it second wives made their rosy beds when they married a married man… Now lie in it.

    I suppose I could see instances where single mothers who would perhaps struggle to make ends meet could benefit from being second wives. Other than the aforementioned special circumstance I have no sympathy for second wives who complain about a husband’s first wife.

    Regards,
    Aisha

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Aisha. If I could even plan while I was in my mothers womb I think I would have done that! 🙂 I am one of those weirdos that love planning everything in my life. I know at the back of my mind my Lord is the one planning it and He makes me feel good to feel that I am in charge. Life in itself is never easy. We all go through so many moments that are tough, challenging, and in the end these hardships faced moulds us. I come here to vent, share and also if possible help another sister in faith get up and hopefully smile again. Yes, I do complain. Who doesn’t. I entered a polygamous relationship KNOWING what was in store for me. But, mind you, not everyone in this triangle follows rules or has ethics. Some love bull dozing another’s needs over theirs. So, tell me, should I forgo my rights because I entered into this marriage and I should accept it all because I chose a married man so it is my price to pay, all the time? Trust me, I never wanted to even convert or get married to a married man. I found my calling. Then I quietly converted and after which somehow, we got married. All this caused me my relationship with my family and friends. There were days where I only felt sadness and felt that there was no light at the end of the tunnel. When I post happy and cheerful posts I am not showing off. It could be that my co too is having a good time. But she is sharing it with her friends. Being married and being in a plural relationship will cause all parties the man included to go through hell. Because it is not easy as all of us are getting adjusted. It is sick to think that because there is a new wife, so what pain or adjustment does she go through? She robbed another woman of her husband. Right? Nope. I do not agree with that sentiment. I hope Ive sort of answered your question. I did not “plan” to marry my hubbs or tolerate the circus that sometimes he puts me through. There are days I am ready to pack up and leave for good. But right now, I am at a point where yeah, whose marriage is a bed of roses anyway? So I am dealing with my issues and somehow touch wood my marriage is getting way better. Very painful journey but worth the pain. He now understands my needs and vice versa.

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Ana, I am looking forward to the travel and to see a bit of the world before we start off our own family. Paris has always been a place that I am looking forward to going to. In fact I have the Eiffel Tower on my charm bracelet. So it is like a dream to me. I am sort of hoping that we make a baby in Paris

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear all, I think sometimes in a plural marriage it is the norm for one wife to want to be the boss of things. The sense of entitlement somehow gets to their heads and then they wreck havoc. They enter a polygamous marriage not to lead peaceful lives but to slowly run their own agenda. They think that in the long run the husband will love them more, listen to them 100% and that they are the #1 priority. How selfish. Sometimes I have so much of respect for the first wife who tolerates this sort of childish behaviour. It is even more taxing when the older wife has kids that also need a father figure around. They feel that children will grow up themselves and mothers need to suck it up. Post everything from farting to burping on Facebook and yet post stuff that would indirectly hurt the other. The agenda? To break up the older marriage and to cause further disruptions. To show the other wife that she is more in control. Maybe. But not for long.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Everyone, we have a new Aisha here, which could get confusing, as there is another Aisha here already.

    @New Aisha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam.

    Thank you for joining us and for commenting. If you intend to remain with us, I’d ask that maybe you use a different user name or add something to it, so we could distinguish between the two Aishas.

    While I’m welcoming you, I’m going to butt in and comment about what you wrote to Laila, as I think it’s important. I used to think that women who married married men had no right to complain about it once in it, as they new exactly what they were doing. I have since learned that they did not know what they were in for when they married the men. No one knows how she will feel or act in a situation until she is in it. We live in our heads and our imagination. We have expectations that aren’t real. A woman may think she could handle a polygamous marriage, but once in it realizes that she can’t.

    One has to consider that a woman will become emotionally invested in her husband the more she and he are intimate and get to know each other. The wife who married the married man then begins to go through the same thing that the first wife goes through. Emotions of jealousy, envy and selfishness and other blameworthy, base emotions take control, especially as Satan is in the mix with his whispers.

    Furthermore, about the “CHOICE” you said the woman who marries a married man makes, there is no such thing. Allah chooses our mates. Choice is an illusion. Allah decides. Do you really think a woman wants to share her husband with another woman? It takes a strong believing Muslim woman who has dedicated her life to Allah to open her arms and embrace another woman who is married to the same man as she. Otherwise, no Muslim woman who “choose” the lifestyle in 2015 unless she was non-Muslim in for an alternative lifestyle.

    A woman whether married to her husband 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th has a right to discuss her pain and her feelings of torture that she’s experiencing the same as any other woman. She bleeds the same as any other woman. She hurts the same as any other woman. She has feelings the same as any other woman. She has a right to feel the same as any other woman.

    The beautiful thing about being on this blog is that one can disassociate oneself from the actual co-wife in her life and begin to understand and appreciate what polygamy is really about. Women who are in polygamous marriages are in it together. They are no different from one another based on a number. They are all wives entitled to the husbands that Allah swt gives them.

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Ina. I know your post was meant for Ummof4, but after reading your post, I really felt like boxing your co. I was and am so appalled by the level of selfishness and bitch behaviour. I never had a schedule to his kids growing up.
    We met up during the day and over time it took a toll on our marriage. Back then my heart was for her kids and him being a good father. Now, please don’t think I am a Saint. I am not. We had so little, I was renting with housemates and quite frankly, our life was not at all organized. In my opinion the husband must decide the schedule that is fair for all parties. In my case my weeks are alternate. Initially being alone during the weekends was so tough on me. But nowdays I look at it in a different light, I get to spend more time either at home or with my parents. I really dislike it when some women put on a show of crying and drama. I call it “drama of the week” with my hubbs. So when I sue this term he knows very well what I am referring to. The fact that she is even tagging along for his work trips, if those days are yours is not right. I try to not disturb my hubbs at all when it her days. I avoid meeting up. You just never know when news travels and one is bound to get hurt. She should not try and get smart by coming up with silly, stupid diagrams. Who cares really? Does it justify her argument well? It all boils down to fairness towards all parties. Yeah, Malaysians are popular in posting every damn thing that takes place in their lives on Facebook. They post on where they are having dinner, to what they are doing to special moments. They love attending hundreds of religious sermons but practise none. Everything needs to be shared on Facebook. I think they feel like there is a need to validate themselves to their family and friends. All I can say is, put your foot down. This little girl needs to grow up and wear big girl panties. Why the double standards? Why can’t toy have two weeks too? Who made her the boss of you and your kids? Ina, you need to somehow talk to your husband. If you feel that it is a futile attempt, approach your sister in law. I know exactly how Malay families roll. I am married to one. When my co gets a bit carried away and she uses her kids then I play my cards right. I involve my older in-laws, which I know my husband is very ashamed of if they intervene. It may sound like I am pushing you to rock your boat. But Ive experienced something like this in my marriage. It will never end till you grow firm and put your foot down showing her that you mean business.

  • Aisha

    March 22, 2015

    Assalaamu alaikum wr wb,
    I am new here and I never felt compelled enough to share and respond. I do get some perspective from here though.

    Laila- You’ve mentioned that it is not all roses for second wives… Wouldn’t you agree that by marrying a married man you knew what you were getting yourself into? Second wives have no right to ever discuss the so-called pain and torture they go through as they make a CHOICE to enter a marriage with him.

    Regards,
    Aisha

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I pray all goes well with you in having a baby. I think it’s good you and the hubz get some more travel in before you settle down with children, if it’s what you and he would like to do. Who knows? Maybe while you two are vacationing and relaxing away from polygamy in your face, you’ll get your strong sexy on and conceive. How memorable it would be to conceive a child in the throes of compassionate love making in Spain or Paris…

    @Sis Ruquayyah,

    Are you and the hubz trying for a baby now or does he have you on hold for some reason?

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Ina,

    I agree with Marie 100% that scheduling polygamous marriages can be quite complicated. Other than a woman having to deal with inner personal challenges that a polygamous marriage presents, the external problem of arranging a schedule can become huge. In your case, it’s problematic as all the parties are trying to fit the schedule around the co’s school, your and hubz children, your work schedule and his work schedule. It’s almost impossible to have a schedule work harmoniously when so many people want their desires fulfilled in it.

    At times it may seem one wife is trying to arrange the schedule all around her life schedule, which results in what seems to be one wife controlling the other wife’s life. It’s not cool. What I’ve found best when so many variables exist is to stick to a straight up rigid schedule, such as three days on and three days off (he’s with the other wife) and so it goes back and forth. The schedule is rigid and no manipulation comes into play. It is what it is. If it become too trying and you can’t all come to a resolution, it may be time to have a mediator come up with a schedule for all of you.

    Ina, I agree with you that if the two of them will be in Malaysia for two weeks, he should spend two weeks with you whether you and he go away or remain at home doing what you normally do or plan a two week away for a later date. I suggest that the days are taken within a calendar year to avoid confusion and accumulated days. Accumulated days could result in a wife getting the husband for months at a time or a year, which is a no can do.

    About social media, I suggest you ask Allah to prevent you from going there. It only hurts your heart to know what she’s saying and doing. It keeps you wrapped up in thoughts of her when your mind should be focused on Allah who can give us good. Only He can benefit us. Keep asking Allah for help and eventually you’ll find yourself going to the social media less and less till you don’t go there at all. When you check on what’s going on with her, you are empowering her to control your mind and life. She’s happy you are there reading and stressing yourself out. Don’t go there, sis.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Dear Ina,

    I’m happy you and all the other lovely ladies, and the gents who join us, as well, are here. You and all the ladies and gents who comment and share life experiences have shaped and formed the blog into the incredible one of a kind forum there is in cyberspace. I love this forum, as everyone tries their best to be helpful to one another. Even if one doesn’t have much advice to give, just to know they are here to stop in and say hello is much welcomed. We all all pretty much on the same page in supporting one another to accept Allah’s decisions whatever His decisions are. We are all a bunch of like minded people with serious goals, and knowing the means to achievement. It’s a beautiful thing. Ina, thank you much for being a part of all of this. We are truly a blog family.

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    Mari2, I also think you have been more than reasonable, but only you know how you have reacted and if you could have had a better approach, if you think you could have then by all means say sorry, BUT, I would tell him straight to not threaten not returning from Pakistan because if he does it again, when he does return he may find the locks changed. Personally I do not take threats and emotional blackmail lightly.

    Anas first comment was my initial thinking. But lately iv been accused of being too harsh.

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    I quickly replied to mari2 before reading all the comments, Marshallah iv caught up now.

    Ana, so glad you had a wonderful vacation, allah u Akbar.

    Ummof4, what a nice surprise seeing your grandson. And wow 40 years of marriage, like Ana it would be such a blessing to say that.

    Shaima, welcome to the blog. Ana gave you real good advice. Polygamy is challenging and a wife asks herself soooo many questions. Putting our trust in Allah is the most important thing.

    Ina, I’ll make dua that things become easy for you. Schedules can be complicated. I feel the man must make the final decisions and it makes it easier on the wives if he fears Allah in all his decisions.

    Laila, seems you have a lot to look forward to. I hope Allah grants you a healthy, pious child who will be the dryness of your eyes.

    Bibi, hope your having a blessed day, sun is shining where I am, Alhamdulilah.
    I’ll be getting on with some spring cleaning.

    Thanks all for the congratulations on our baby girl to be. Funny how iv never planned to get pregnant, but iv ended up with quite a few, Marshallah.

  • Bibi

    March 22, 2015

    Ana As salaamu alaikum. Lol you have me literally laughing out loud at your first post hahahahaha.

  • Ina

    March 22, 2015

    @ Ummof4, you truly are a wise and amazing woman. Congratulations on 40 year of marriage…its a mind boggling milestone.

    @ Ana, I am in awe of the advice given by people on this blog. Honestly, i don’t think i would be able to stay sane without this blog so I thank Allah for guiding me here.

  • Ina

    March 22, 2015

    @ Mari2. Its sounds to me people in Pakistan are whispering to M about you. Its a bad sign he is listening to them and gave you their bullsh!t. If he says you are talking back then maybe you should show him what talking back actually sounds like. The nerve of the man….you must be disappointed and hurt that he would say such things to you after all the support you’ve given him. Tell me he should apologise to you otherwise he can stay in Pakistan.

    You sound to me like a strong woman who can stand on your own 2 feet. Dont let him turn you into something you are not. Maybe he will come to his senses when he does not have people messing with his head about how a wife should behave. When is he due to come back to you?

  • Marie

    March 22, 2015

    Mari2, no love, I was not referring to your situation when I spoke of secret wives. You are not hiding your marriage, your husband and his family are. You had already expressed your dislike for the situation and have advised your husband to be honest. Also his family won’t let you talk to her by phone. There’s nothing more you can do other than jump on a plane and show up at her door. So no hun my comment did not include you.

  • Laila

    March 22, 2015

    Dear Mari2. The fact that he is giving you an ultimatum just shows his arrogance. I totally agree with Ana. Maybe you do need to maybe take up his offer and pack his things up. That is so not reasonable for him to push you around like that.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum 🙂

    Thank you, sis, for welcoming shaima to the blog. I was so happy to hear of your wonderful surprise from your family and that your dear precious grandson is well, Alhumdulliah.

    I know you must be getting excited about your upcoming vacation. It’s right around the corner. It’ll be here before you know it. Sometimes the anticipation of the vacation and preparation for it becomes more exciting and than the actual vacation, especially traveling to get there.

    Again, I can’t express how awesome it is that you are married 40 big whopping years. I can only pray I make it to say I’ve been happily married for that long – yeah baby! The way to go. ummof4, you’ve got it going on, sister.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone out there in cyberspace 🙂

    I thank all of you who have welcomed shaima to the blog. shaima WELCOME! I’m delighted you have joined us.

    shaima, a wife’s emotions run high, and are all over the place when a husband marries another woman. Her life is turned upside down. She doesn’t know which way it up. It’s a life changing event for a woman. It could end up very badly for her or very good. If it ends up good, it’s a beautiful thing and I think could help pave the woman’s way to Paradise. She becomes a much better person. She sees her faults, and the diseases of her heart and she drawers nearer to Allah in an effort to have Him purify her soul. We cannot enter Paradise with a diseased heart (a heart full of blameworthy characteristics such a jealousy, envy, bitterness, hatred, selfishness etc)

    The love of the husband should lessen when a wife focus her attention on Allah and not her husband, children, or anyone else. Love of Allah would be first and foremost in the believing woman’s heart. It should be about concentrating more on self, to get to the right place in the sight of Allah swt.

    I don’t know why you wouldn’t be able to talk to your husband about what he is thinking, unless you simply just don’t want to know what he is thinking. Why would you want to know what he’s thinking? Some men are turned off by women who ask, “what are you thinking?” Who says you need to know another person’s thoughts. It’s an invasion of the person’s mind, so to speak.

    If a person loves anyone or anything more than Allah, the person will experience pain. She or he will feel hurt.

    How the husband feels towards the first wife after he becomes polygamous is an individual thing. It’s difficult to say. If a woman sets aside her selfishness. and not stand in the way of what Allah has allowed for men – that they become polygamous, he may begin to love the first wife more than he had. How could he not help, but love such a woman more?

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Perhaps I was too harsh in my response. I apologize. I feel as Bibi does that your husband is being insensitive towards you, during a very trying and difficult time in your life. It sounds you’ve been a nice person, and have been supportive of him throughout your marriage. One would think he’d at least be understanding and supportive of you, as well. After all you didn’t threaten to leave him if he married the cousin, nor did you demand to be a legal wife, which would have interfered with his cousin’s status as wife and opportunity to come to the country in which you and he live.

    I think when a person gives in to another and begins dancing to the beat of the other, the person becomes a slave to the other. In your case, if you go along with your husband’s wishes that you behave a certain way, otherwise he won’t come back from Pakistan, you most likely could expect that he would threaten you with leaving for Pakistan or threaten not to return every time things don’t go his way. He’s expressing conditional love. An I can’t wait to see you. I miss you, from him, would be nice, no? I totally understand how you’re feeling sister, justifiably so.

    When a man becomes polygamous, it is paramount that he understands what his current wife is going through. For a woman to accept that her husband will or has married another is huge. It’s not small feat. It takes a lot of understanding and patience on the husband’s part for her to be able to attempt to make it through such an ordeal. It’s just by the Grace of Allah that she does.

    I think you must stand your ground with him, and find the strength to move on if you have to. Gail said your husband may encounter pressure from the Pakistani side to divorce you. He is now married to cousin who is family. For some, blood is thicker than water. You’ve got blood and culture working against you. If your husband was working with you, your marriage may have a chance of survival.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    I’m just getting back and settled in. Insha Allah, I’ll chat with u all sooner than later.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Call his bluff or give him the ax. He’s got some balls doing what he’s doing. He thinks he’s “Big Daddy” now and can talk to you anyway he feels. He’s feeling his oats. It always pays to have leverage. It pays to have the upper hand. The only upper hand you have is money. You don’t want to buy him. No woman should buy any one. You said you got it going on, then kiss his @$$ goodbye. What has he done for you lately? Nothing about your marriage is Islamic. Tell him to get to steppin. See how you rate in his eyes.

  • Bibi

    March 21, 2015

    I say call his bluff mari2. Look at the stress he’s causing you. We must respect our husbands but they must respect us just as much. It’s a two way street. This is all new for you and he doesn’t seem to be showing any sensitivity towards you through this transition. Instead he lets you in on things he know would make you feel some type of way. He’s walking all over you. You need to put your foot down. You should be able to have a conversation with your husband and voice your emotions without being felt worthless. We’re here for you. Do what you gotta do

  • Mari2

    March 21, 2015

    @Gail and Bibi…Ur both right. I am being used. Much has happened between m and me during this past month. All I know is that he asks my opinion and when I voice it he accuses me of causing him stress. Apparently, I have no stress. Now for the past couple of days he’s been jerking me around with suggestions of not returning to the US. He’s accused me of not being a good wife because I talk back. And I haven’t talked back, I’ve just merely told him how I feel. He told me today that that he was only willing to return to the US if I made sure that there would be no emotional issues on my part when he got here. If I plan on giving him a hard time, then he is going to cancel things and stay in Pakistan. So now I’m torn. Do I do what I need to do for myself? Call his bluff? Pack his belongings in boxes? Or do I apologize for causing him such great stress?

  • Mari2

    March 21, 2015

    Hello to all and hope that you are enjoying the first days of spring.

    @Marie…I’m not sure what you were trying to say, but please let me explain the complicated situation regarding M and me. When M and I married, he was still married to #1 although legally separated. I knew about #1 and eventually he told her about me. So there was no secret there. Also, people here know me as his wife, as does his mother, and a select few family members of #2 (although NOT her father). I have always known of #2’s coming, but what she is unaware of is that he is married to another as well as her. She innocently believes herself to be his only wife, and she entered into the marriage thinking that she is the only one.

    I’m not trying to get M to be honest because I want his attention or think it should be all about me. I want him to be honest because it is wrong to enter a marriage deceiving someone into believing that they are getting something that they are not. And I am ashamed that he would do that. I have not mentioned this to him after our last conversation. The ball is in his court and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions whether now or in the hereafter. But at least I can say that I went on record voicing my opinion of the deception.

  • ummof4

    March 21, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I have a few minutes, so here goes.

    Ina, it’s so good to hear from you. May Allah continue to give you strength to deal with your marriage if that its what is best for you and your deen. Stick to your guns about your 2 weeks away with your husband and children. And stay away from her Facebook! Every time you feel tempted to look at it, just remember me. I am pointing a shaking finger at you and shaking my head, “NO, NO, NO” You are right about the schedule, when it gets too complicated, just go with the flow and don’t let it stress you out. Allah is always in control. I am glad that you and your husband still communicate your feelings to each other.

    Shaima, welcome to the blog. For many women when their husbands first tell them they want another wife or have actually already married another wife, they lose some love, respect and trust for their husbands. There are many emotions that women have. Please read the book that is on this site about polygyny if you can get it. The authors explain what women go through very well. If the husband is a man who loves and fears Allah, and the first wife is a Muslim woman who loves and fears Allah, the love, respect and trust that may be lost will come back, In shaa’Allah.

    I don’t believe most men even think about or care that their first wives will love, respect and trust them less in the beginning. A man is more concerned about his new marriage and new wife.He thinks that his first wife will soon change back to the feelings she had before polygyny. Remember, most men do not have the same feelings as women.

    Allahu Akbar wa lilaail hamd (Allah is Most Great and to Him belongs all the praise).

  • Ina

    March 21, 2015

    Marie, Congratulations on the baby girl news (especially after 3 boys). I have 3 boys too but it’s more than enough for me. Due to age and health, I do not plan to have any more children. My last 2 babies were born 6 and 7 weeks premature so I would be worried that the next one would be even earlier and therefore may not as healthy. I feel extremely grateful that my children are healthy despite them being born premature.

  • shaima

    March 21, 2015

    Salam Alaykum all, i am interested to know how love towards the husband is changing with polygamy. Is the love less deeply because u concentrats more to urself? U cant talk anymore about things, what he is thinking about, ists not to close or? For me i cant imagine love the husband much Like we are only two partners. But thats Not bad, i think practical, less love less hurts. And how infects the change of feelings from the first wive the husband, or is it not important for him? Trank u have a nice day

  • Ina

    March 21, 2015

    I am sorry Ummof4. Despite your advice about social media, I have been looking at her facebook. I noticed that all the posts that I can see were about her and hubby going on dates or when he gives her gifts. I ask hubby if she was posting other stuff that I can’t see and she has done. She goes out of her way to hide the “boring” posts from me and only lets me see the stuff about how good a time her and hubby are having or how good he is treating her. The bitchiness of it is shocking to me. If she decided she was not going to make the effort hide any posts then it wouldn’t seem so bad to me because of the extra effort to hide/not hide posts. I know I should not look anymore but….the temptation is too strong to resist at the moment.

    Regardless of her bitchiness towards me, hubby will still treat her as his wife. The realisation of this is the cause of why I have been pulling away from my marriage. I just don’t know how long I cope with this.

    Hubby and I spoke about this a few days ago. He has asked me not to be sad and not to give up on our marriage. I do feel a little better after our heart to heart.

  • Ina

    March 21, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ummof4,

    I have been on the downward slope of the polygamy rollercoaster for quite a while now. I saw the end of my marriage and started to pull away from hubby. Its only been 5 months and I feel emotionally drained and don’t know if I can cope with this rollercoaster. The schedule has caused many arguments (no surprises there). Unfortunately, due to the nature of hubby’s work, it’s difficult to have a regular pattern so we have to make and agree the schedule almost on a monthly basis. Despite them not having regular 9-5 working hours, the weekends seems to be extremely important to my co-wife. This weekend, hubby has to work on Sunday (and for a few hours on Sat) and even though she will be tagging along whilst he is working, she has demanded to get that weekend back later in the schedule. I am too tired too argue about it. It’s not like he won’t be working at weekends when he is with me over the next few months as we approach peak season with our business. There are so many factors she wants to take into account when setting the schedule that it’s becoming almost an impossible task. According to co-wife, things we need to balance in the schedule include: # days, # weekends, # working weekends, how many 2-days/3-days we each get in a month, pattern that should follow when one wife gets 2 whole weekends in row. Hubby showed some diagrams she put together to justify her argument. My head was screaming…I couldn’t look at it. She could have written a phd paper on scheduling. I am sure there will be a few rules to be added to the list as time goes on.

    Another thing is that they are planning to go back to Malaysia for 2 weeks. So I told hubby I would like him to spend 2 weeks with us during the kids summer holidays. When hubby told her, she cried and she said she can’t cope that long without him. I told him tough…she can’t have things her way every time. She gets the impression that I get my way all the time. I told hubby that is because I don’t make as many demands as she does.

  • Bibi

    March 21, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum all.

    Ummof4 what a wonderful surprise. I know you are so happy and grateful. Enjoy their stay. I pray your grandson gets stronger and stronger by the day. Allah is the Greatest.

  • ummof4

    March 21, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, good to hear from you? How are things going?

    Laila, shukran for the clarification. May Allah make you and your husband successful in having children.

    Ana, hope you and your husband are having a wonderful time on vacation. Mine will be in July, In shaa’Allah. We decided to go away for a week this year instead of our usual 4 days since it is our 40th year of marriage, Alhamdulillah.

    To all my family, I got a surprise at midnight last night. My son, his wife and their 3 children appeared at my front door. Of course the new baby was with them. It was the first time I had seen him in the flesh, since he was in NICU when he was first born. What a pleasant surprise for this Jeddah (grandmother)!

    I should be very busy the next few days, In shaa’Allah.

    May Allah bless us all with His Bounty.

  • Laila

    March 20, 2015

    Dear Ummu Ain. Thank you so much for sharing your life story with us all. It could never have come at a better time. Even I as a second wife have fallen so comfortable in the fact that my husband will never re-marry. He keeps telling me that he is content with his life with us all. However, after reading your post I felt so small. I remembered all my wrongs and the things that I did in the past because of my hurt and anger towards my co and even my husband. It was a reminder that, life is indeed so short and that in this very short time that we all have, we should spend it remembering Allah s.w.t. After reading your post I even have the motivation to now read the quran more. I pray that your life is way better now and is filled with happiness and meaning. Sometimes, we all need wake up calls.

    Dear Ummof4, I have taken a short break from my career and trying my best to adjusting to staying at home. Initially I thought it would be easy but it is not. Staying home has also sort of opened my eyes up on the little things that I need to get looked into. Getting a new built in cabinets, putting up pictures and many other things that needs to be looked into. We have met up with our doctors and we know the whole treatment regiment and so, we are planning our trip to Spain and Paris first. After which once we are back, baby treatments fall into full blown mode. Hubbs wants to see a bit of the world before he has kids with me. He is excited really. But I can understand that at his age his friends are going off to exciting places and seeing the world. He too wants that for himself, after all he did work his butt off. So that is our plans for the moment. Getting back to my Masters too. I took a short semester break. And now I am ready to start again, and finish it up. After that, it is my Ph.D…. so that’s my life so far sister.

  • Bibi

    March 20, 2015

    Ummu Ain JazakAllah khair for sharing your experience of how you dealt with polygamy. You’re very very wise.

    I’m a bit confused though, I thought you were a 4th wife. I have to go back and re read your previous posts

    @ana I meant to say continue to enjoy. I’m happy for you that you two are enjoying yourselves what a beautiful thing mashaAllah stay blessed

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    Sis Bibi, 🙂

    I’m definitely enjoying the rest of the vacay. He and I get alot of time just relaxing together absent constant activiy. He needs that since he works. Every day is a vacay for me. Plus, he and I have been on mega vacays the 13 years of our marriage (it will be 13 in May). Stopping in to blog here and there doesn’t interfere with ou vacay at all. Thank you much for being concerned. It was soooooo sweet of you.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 20, 2015

    My ultimate goal now…is to seek the PLEASURE of Allah Rabby Al Jaleel…and my strive is to remain consistent (istiqamah) with this goal.

    Oh, dear sis…how I hope Allah swt will accept this as a sacrifice on my part – although it may seem insignificant in His eyes – just to earn His pleasure. Coz I’m really afraid if I’m unable to present to Him anything more on the Day of Judgement…

  • Ina

    March 20, 2015

    Waalaikumsalam Ummu Ain,

    The story you shared bought me to tears reading it. So touching….Thank you for sharing it.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 20, 2015

    Sis Farah…

    Believe me when I say that I know what you are going through right now…and so do most of us here I’m sure. We’ve been there.

    I’d like to share my personal experience on the process that got me through this devastating pain you are feeling right at this moment…

    NUMBER ONE: My FAITH and TRUST in Allah and accepting whatever He has decreed for me and to be patient – this is really not an option for a believing Muslim

    NUMBER TWO: The reminder that…the fate of my co-wife has ALSO been decreed…and I have to accept that too

    NUMBER THREE: My gratitude (syukr) to Allah swt for ALL OTHER blessings He has been bestowing upon me – ENDLESS!! AND my deeper gratitude that I still have a husband and am still enjoying the most HONOURABLE status as WIFE – this great blessing makes me realize that I simply CANNOT be selfish

    NUMBER FOUR: The ever-constant reminder (especially from this blog) that…this life is not permanent…and what Allah swt has loaned to me are really NOT mine, including my husband

    The above are just some of the major points which helped in the process of me accepting my 1-year-4-month polygamous marriage…after 16 years of a blissful monogamous marriage with my husband.

    Believe me when I say that when you turn to Allah at the first instance of your pain, you will get relief…which Allah promised us…in the Holy Qur’an, Surah Asy-Syarh…”with hardship, comes ease…and turn your attention to your Lord…”

    It has been a tremendous learning journey going through this process. Allah swt actually taught me about the reality of this life…and I learnt about the meaning of Sabr (patience), Syukr (gratitude), Selflessness and most importantly, it has elevated my Faith in my Lord and improved my relationship with Him.

    My dear sister, I hope Allah swt bestow upon you the same opportunity to go through this process of being a better servant to Him…just like He bestowed upon me…

    Much Luv dear…

  • Bibi

    March 20, 2015

    @ana I know this blog is addicting but you need to enjoy the remaining moments of your vacation lol.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    Ooop, I said Gail’s post was to make “Rhama” feel better. but I should have said “Farah”.

    Okay, I have to catch up later, Insha Allah. I have to get some more shut eye. The hubz and I are both in bed on our phones lol

  • Bibi

    March 20, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum Allah Hu Akbar. Ummu Ain thank you so much. What a beautiful touching story. MashaAllah I enjoyed reading it. Definately has me pondering on some things.

    Ana you’re such a sweet beautiful exemplary woman inside and out. May Allah bless you

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    @Ummu Ain,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam. That was a powerful story you related, full of wisdom. Thank you so very much for sharing it, my dear sister. 🙂

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 20, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum ww, my dear sisters…

    I’d like to share a moving story…especially to Sis Farah.

    Short Story : Second Wife Subhanallah

    Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back! Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she don’t know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. “Where is their father?” I asked, “Can’t he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man’s burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!

    I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH!

    NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!
    It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did….

    My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don’t know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town. He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn’t know that our time was running out.

    His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up.
    I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house.We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill.
    When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn’t young anymore. I missed him everyday with every beat of my heart. How could ones condition change so drastically?
    One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.

    It’s the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances.He came to my brothers house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn’t know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy.

    I started reading Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around. I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine.Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband. I prayed that she will accept me.

    He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me.

    I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me . A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him. She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: ” This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters” her words broke my heart. All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on.His wife was to me, the woman that I could not be and I will be forever grateful for that. I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.

    You never know a person’s situation until you are in it. Judge by what is right according to Qu’ran and you will see how Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will send double fold of blessings your way.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    Some women try to discourage their husbands from becoming polygamous by saying the women the men consider marrying aren’t old, ugly, divorced, widowed, undesirables with children. To it I’ve always said, based on what is in the Holy Quran, they don’t have to be. The women only need be single and virtuous. Ummo touched on it by sayiing the man marries 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives for the same reasons they married the first wives. It doesn’t negate the fact that some women marry married men for various reasons that MAY BE quite different from why some women marry men as first wives and won’t marry a man who is already married.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    Let me clarify it. I didn’t mean ALL divorcees marry married men – some do.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    About Gail’s comment, Bibi got it and she is a wife who married third. I saw her pic. She is a hot lttle cutie who is in her early twenties, teaching classes 2 5th graders. She knows Gail left out some other reasons and it didn’t appear she intentionally left the reasons out to be mean. Furthermore, Gail knows from having lived in Pakistan that polygamy is taboo as is divorce and its divorcees who marry married men.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    I knew Gail did NOT mean every single woman on the face of the earth who married a married man was either insecure,divorced or an ugly dunce. She was simply giving Rhama SOME REASONS women Possibly marry married men. I took her intent in naming the few reasons as being a means to help Rhama begin to cope and feel better. I’m sure some women do marry married men for the reasons Gail cited. Lynette told us on the older blog that she is divorced and there is a liklihood she will marry a married man. Mari2 is a divorcee who married a married man. She is now first wife, as her husband divorced the first. I’m sure there are some women who don’t think they are very attractive or bright who have had no offers for marriage from single men and, therefore, thought if they had any chance of marriage they had better siege the opportunity that presented itself. Nothing is absolute, but Allah. I got where Gail was coming from.

  • Marie

    March 20, 2015

    Bibi, Aww keep your head up hun, most of us get good days and bad days. Allah know best whether we eventually become Ok with intimacy between our husbands and his other wives. I think the younger we are the more we seem to care. It must be harder actually knowing when they are ‘doing it’ your a stronger woman than I. The diss connection part for me is hard, as I’m a very emotional person. Men don’t put emotion and sex in the same box, it just a means to an end for them.
    Another reason why I find secret wives disgusting is because the other wife couldn’t even make an attempt to protect herself (by waiting an amount of time ect) who knows he could have gone from one to the other in the same day.

  • Marie

    March 20, 2015

    Furthermore, the only reason a secrete wife or girlfriend wants the man’s other wife to know about her is so she can have equal time and be known as his wife. It’s nothing to do with honesty or being a decent human being, its about her and only her.

  • Marie

    March 20, 2015

    Mari2, you don’t have to be stingy or give so much that you need to take another job, find a middle ground and give with a sincere heart. As far as your husband supporting you financially and religiously, yes he should be, but as far as emotional support I don’t think men are capable, for the most part they can’t emotionally support themselves, men who do manage somehow to be emotionally supportive learned how to do that from the very women they are giving it to.

    From what I understand a woman who is involved with a married man (secret wife or girlfriend), who new about his other wife and condoned his lying and deception is low down, there is nothing that woman could tell me that would make me think otherwise. She knows exactly what that would do to the other woman once she finds out. Women have empathy and the only reason she would go along with it is because she cares about no one but herself. There’s no excuse.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 20, 2015

    I did not want a baby to tie him to me nor to be more important. I have wanted a child since we first got married but there was always a reason HE wanted to wait. I simply did not want to have waited for 3 years on him to be ready for a child to have to watch him start a family with someone else first when he had always said to wait for him to be ready and he’d at least try with me first as I’d been patient even though it was clear i was ready for a child.
    I was hurt he broke his promise as it felt like he could just say what he wanted to get what he wants and change the tune later on. I
    We have good communication though and while he said he felt i was unreasonable in other aspects he did not feel i was unreasonable in being upset about the child thing. I dont care about “first child or first son” i dont care about order i simply was hurt at the thought of them having a baby while my arms are empty.

  • ummof4

    March 20, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, are you pregnant, or are you in trying mode, since you noted “after the baby”? I’m so glad you and Bibi are here to give the perspective of a wife who married 2nd or 3rd with the husband.

    Gail, I agree with Laila. Your comment on reasons why women married men that are already married was not nice. There are many other reasons. Usually the reasons that women marry married men are the same reasons that single women marry single men. And don’t forget, just like you, some women who marry married men believe they are marrying single men.

    Mari2, I agree with you. I believe that a man who marries should be able to support his family. whether he has 1, 2, 3, or 4 wives, he should be the provider of food, clothing, shelter and other necessities of life. A wife should not have to support her husband or his other wife. Of course if an emergency comes up like loss of employment or severe disability, a wife should pitch in until the emergency situation is over.

    When a wife pays all of the household bills, the husband can become very content with the situation. So then he feels he can use his money for another wife since his present wife is fine and content with paying the bills for their household.

    Everyone Jum’uah Mubarak.

  • Bibi

    March 20, 2015

    Laila I think what Gail was saying is sometimes women CAN FEEL insecure because they’ve been through some things etc so they marry a married man thinking that’s their only option not necessarily that they all ARE INSECURE for no given reason. I think that makes sense the way I reworded it. Sorry for any confusion

  • Laila

    March 20, 2015

    Dear Farah. I am a second wife and after reading your post I thought it is best I kept quiet. As I felt I would not be the suitable one to offer anything to you. But stop looking at her like a b**** from hell. Have you contacted her? Do you know what is her side of the story? Maybe you have but if you did not, don’t make assumptions. Because other then her reaping the rewards of your hard work, there could be more than meets the eye. Trust me, I’ve experienced it many many years ago with my husband. Sometimes you can be so surprised at their antics. So do a bit of digging.

  • Laila

    March 20, 2015

    Dear Mari2. I think Gail summed up pretty clearly. He is using you up and maybe because you love and adore him you do not see it such. I paid dutch many years into our marriage. But most of the times if we go out he foots the bill. My idea is this, if a man wants to be polygamous, he must be ready for it mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Even if his plans aren’t the best but he must have a plan and try to follow it through. Using you and saying that you are right,just shows that he is aware of it all and he just is smooth talking you. I believe for any marriage to be solid is to have a basic set of unsaid rules. Taking advantage of another is not something I could have tolerated. Not all polygamous families are to have the same set of rules. Yes. I understand that. But no, I would not approve of the wife footing all major bills. Trust me, the husbands move into the slack mode afterwards. But if you are okay with it then so be it. But right from day one, we both worked hard and saved. Im on a short break from my career now but I too have my responsibilities at home which I intend to carry out to my best. My role now is to ensure the smoothness of everything at home. But this wont be for long. After the baby Insyaallah, I intend to start back at work. So, you must set your set of rules down to ensure all parties are treated fairly. Right now your mind is going into overdrive. One moment you are happy and the other you may be lost. Ask yourself, is this what you really want for the rest of your life? Find the strength in yourself and empower yourself. Do update us on how you are doing.

  • Laila

    March 20, 2015

    Dear Gail. What do you mean exactly when you said that women who marry married men are insecure, divorced before or plain ugly ass tarts? Sorry, but what are you implying anyway? Maybe I got it the wrong way but please explain.

  • Bibi

    March 20, 2015

    Hi Gail Dear. Nice to see you stop in. I hope you’re well.

    Today I’m feeling a bit blue. Living under one roof gets to me sometimes I try to remain strong but I get weak. Knowing when your husband is embarking on having intimate relations with one of his wives without spelling it out breaks me everytime. When i get the opportunity it’s no connection really on my part because I know he does the same with his other wives. I’m such a private person but I always know when my husband is getting it on with one of his other wives and they know when I’m gettin my groove on and I hate both ways. Almost eight years same situation and I still have not excepted it emotionally draining. I don’t react anymore I just crawl into a hole mentally then later during the day it’s like nothing happened. I just want to not care 100%. Is it possible?

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    It was an EXCELLENT post you wrote to Farah. Sometimes a wife has to forget about the other wife, and get what’s her due. For instance, a wife who is legal can use it to her Advantage to feel way good about the situation (Polygamy ). If a wife is getting her needs met, why care about what he does with another woman? It’s all good. Look at all those wives married to men in the mob back in the day. The husbands all had wives who got all their needs met, and were recognized as wives; although the husbands had women on the side. It was the norm. Do you remember “The Sopranos?” The concept of polygamy is nothing new.

    Polygamy is tough, but once one gets over the hurdles, there are a lot of perks. One views life from a different perspective and it’s all good. Like you said, if she focuses on the other woman, it’s hell.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    @Gail,

    I was thinking of you today. Yes the hubz and I are on vaca, having an fantastic time that’s coming to a close. It’s one of the best vacays I’ve had. Insha Allah, when the hubz retires in the not so far future, I’ll be able to share some pics. U sound chippy.

    Woman, you cracked me up. I know one of those “ugly a$$ tart”s that married a married man. I think you know whst I’m talkin about without me having to spell it out. Wink. I’m on my phone so can’t access the smilies.

  • Gail

    March 20, 2015

    Mari2,
    Your being used plain and simple how long u r going to stand for it is your business but he is using u at this point if he is not paying his own way and make no mistake about it.My husband has done the same $hit to me over the years and to the point it makes me disgusted and sick to be frank.He will take and take from u now until u put your foot down or up his A$$ or walk away.
    I told u before he married cousin that u were in for a ride well welcome to that ride my dear.
    Do not support that man or u will cry after is my sincere advise.

  • Gail

    March 20, 2015

    Ruqayaa,
    Sorry if i did not spell your name right.Listen i kinda agree with Ana on this one as well although I do get where u r coming from as well about wanting to have a baby first before he up and enters polygamy but with that comes so many negative emotions u know what I mean?Like I have the first born child so I am more important.
    Look do not give your husband that kind of hold on u is my advice.When u enter into polygamy u got to let that feeling go about always wanting to seek your husbands approval as it really no longer applies in the same sense as in monogamy.U will drive yourself mad or to a divorce if u continue down this path.If u r going to accept polygamy then u have to do u and focus on u and let all this deep inter thinking go.It really is a form of letting go in alot of ways.U will see if u let all this go and just start to focus on u that u will be so much happier as u will have heck of alot more free time on your hands since u will not be worried about making hubby happy every minute of every day or putting stipulations everywhere.I will say this u r not going to loose him and u don’t need a baby to tie him to u.Alot of woman have kids and end up divorced everyday just focus on u and your wish list.Obviously u want children thats great just no stipulations is my advice.Bottom line kids r kids and it don’t matter the birth order to be honest.
    Let me ask u this also who is to say u get pregnant and have a daughter then she gets pregnant and has a son.Still her son is 1st son see my point?

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    I meant to say, meddling in Allah’s business.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I know if Allah decreed “nigardliness” on a person, it’s not good for the good of the person. We are not to be nigardly, nor enjoin nigardliness on others. You voicing your opinion about his and her business was willed by Allah. It, however, doesn’t necessarily mean it was good. It could be viewed as you meddling in their business.

  • Gail

    March 20, 2015

    Ana,
    I read u and the hubz r on vacation hope u r having a lovely time.

    Bibi,
    U tell it like it is girl I really liked what u had to say to Farah.

    Farah,
    I think all this is new to u about finding out about your husbands other marriage.
    I totally get where u r coming from just give it some time girl to all sink in.I know u must be beside yourself to know he did all this behind your back.My husband has done so much crap to me over the years it would make your head spin so just know this crap happens every single day and u r not alone when it comes to finding out our husband has done some mind blowing thing like running off and taking another wife without even so much as a consultation.
    I would advice not only u but everyone to not see the other woman as your enemy because that is just silly to be frank.THe other wife would not be there if not for your husband inviting her so see it clearly.Yes the other wife did not have to accept but again lets face it there are alot of reasons that woman feel compelled to marry a married man.It could be from insecurity to being divorced before and feeling like she has no options to down right being one ugly A$$ Tart! lol So Cheer up and just focus on u and your home and let them do what they r doing as long as u r getting yours why u care anyway is my thinking.
    Do the normal right things like secure your finances and properties then all is good.If u don’t think like this then there is always divorce as an option.

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    But the best part of this week was when my grandmother turned 99 years old (and still going strong), my father turned 79 yesterday and still going very strong! He spent his b-day instructing his college economics class (poor students…lol), and the day before my dad’s birthday, my beautiful daughter turned 21. MASHALLAH!!!! Nothing in my marriage can put aside this bounty which Allah has given me. I am soooo fortunate that Allah has given me this bounty! I AM blessed by nothing more than ALLAH! And I am evermore thankful to HIM.

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    And I did speak to M about my worries. I told him that I didn’t feel supported emotionally when he put me in the family planning situation. I told him that I wasn’t being supported financially. And I told him that I was not even being supported religiously so long as he lacked the courage to admit I was his wife and I had to be a secret. I wasn’t being accusing, I merely told him that this was they way I felt. His response to me was that he agreed with everything I said. That I was correct, he did the wrong thing regarding second marriage and secrecy. He expressed his discontent with his culture “My culture sucks”, asked me to forgive him, pray for him, and asked for more patience from me as “Allah will figure this out for us.” Strangely enough, this entire week, the quran daily readings from Muslim pro have been about the revelation of secrets, and not taking advantage of that which Allah has given one. Go figure. Allah is wise is HE not?

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    And I’m not trying to control anyone. I’m just trying not to be taken advantage of. M is free to do as his family wishes. But when he supports soooo much to the point I have to support him, then I’m a bit concerned for him. I’m just trying my best NOT to get sucked into the entire “Gimee, gimee…” atmosphere over there. I absolutely want to support my husband in supporting others, but when that requires that I pick up a second job to make ends meet because M’s being financially sucked dry and I have to take on the bulk of bills here, then please forgive me if I doth protest.

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    And I meant to say for the majority of each year, M will NOT be there. He cannot as long as he has to continue to support so many financially. That is apparently Allah’s plan for both him and her. I want to say that in no way did I ever want to be involved in their family planning. M brought me into it. And he and I left it where it lay after our initial and only conversation. Most of our conversations hence have either been about mundane things, his missionary works, things he has to buy for other people, etc. As for zakat, I do pay as does M. I’m not trying to be stingy with my money, but point out that M has made his decisions which is fine, but at the same time he is the one who needs to be financially responsible for them. Being a fool with my own earnings to please M to the detriment to myself is idiocy. Mashallah I am in a good place financially. Mashallah, I have a decent job which allows me to make ends meet. And, Mashallah HE has given me the strength to work hard. HE owns all that I have. I get that. But if I toss away all that HE has given me per the whim of M, his mother, or his family, or his culture, then I am essentially not being very grateful to that which HE gave me. I’m not being niggardly, I’m being cautious. The caution I believe is not shaitan’s doing.

  • Mari2

    March 19, 2015

    Please do not think I am advising him against having a child with his wife. I am not. He broached the subject with me and I just pointed out the pros and cons financially, and I put forth the pros and cons age-wise (for her), and the emotional impact there may or may not be regarding the fact for the majority each year, he will be there with her. I also included a point about her losing her ability for future studies because I know already how much she enjoys her studies and I am a HUGE supporter of women being able to complete their studies so that they may be able to support themselves (and children in the future) if need be. Only Allah knows what is best for her and M. I’m not trying to interfere with Allah’s planning. I’m just trying to interject a bit of financial reality. And who knows? Maybe my interjection is part of Allah’s plan too? Maybe being niggardly is part of Allah’s plans? Maybe my caution is what Allah wills? I don’t know. Do you?

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2015

    Hey Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The hubz and I are still on vacation, having a relaxing, wonderful time. Alhumdulliah! We’ll be back, Insha Allah on Saturday. I didn’t bring my laptop as I assumed I wouldn’t write much, just approve comments, but felt compelled to write once I read some.

    I’m getting better typing on this thing, but it’s still time consuming sigh

  • Marie

    March 18, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all,

    Ana, I guess your back from vacation, I hope you had a wonderful time, your description sounded blissful. I love the post you wrote to farah, short and sweet. I saved a copy on phone.

    I do think that if women could be more responsive in a positive way towards polygamy it may prevent men from lying, however some men just assume their wife will reject the idea, they don’t give her the chance to accept and intend to lie from the get go.

    The reason I said mari2 could limit the amout of money she gives to her husband and his family is because mari2 said she is advising her husband to not try for a child because it will impact on her financially. Also that is why she inputted in the first place. If she intends to only give a set amount it make no difference to her (financially) however many children they have or when they intend to have them. Mari2 need not know anything about their baby making plans.

    @ruquayya. Waiting for ones husband to marry again or not was the most stressful experience of my life. Especially when the other woman does the back and forth yes no crap. I remember feeling stagnant and I desperately wanted to move forward. I asked Allah for ease and by them getting married, I received ease in certain aspects. That was followed by a new set of emotions but I was certainly happy to be out of limbo, Marshallah.

    @farah, I take it you don’t know how you feel at the moment. Sometimes yodicu hate him, sometimes you love him. Bibi advice was real good, look from all angles. The only reason to do anything in this life is for the reward from Allah, any other reason is just wasted time.

  • Farah

    March 18, 2015

    Assalamualaikum All

    Okay i think maybe it sounds conflicting but let me start again.
    I am married to my husband for 16 years,we have 4 children,my husband is very work orientated and thus we succeeded with me helping him from nothing to a great empire now,alhamdulilah….during our marriage he has been very abusive ,rude and arrogant.In the last 2 years he changed slightly and calmed down a bit and hence even started with namaaz and all.He travels for work every month since many years , 3 weeks in our country and 1 week abroard.I never knew or suspected anything.
    In december i saw a message and then sparked all and the truth came out.
    He said he is married for 6 years and I had an emotional breakdown as i am devastated that he could do this to me.

    I run his entire business,go to court if anything,i sort out so many things….i feel unappreciated

    since i found out i am feeling useless and terrible.
    I do love my husband alot and he is a good man,but why he married again i dont know
    He says it is from Allah
    I hate this woman and i dont like that I am sharing my husband yet alot of questions now comes in my mind.

    Like what they are doing in bed,what he buying and spending on her , all the money i worked for she enjoying basically

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2015

    Correction, Mari2, there is a restriction on how much we should spend. We aren’t to be nigardly, nor spend to our upmost reach. I suppose moderation is key.

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2015

    @Mari2,

    Listen! Don’t sweat it. Learn as much as you can about our way of life and live it. Don’t try to control anyone. Allah in the Holy Quran says no harm will come to us from those who stay if we do the right thing by Him. Of course, the words I used are not verbatim.

    STOP tying to figure things out. Pharoah is going to the Hell Fire. His wife whom Allah mentioned in the Holy Quran as being a righteous woman and one of our examples will be in Paradise. SIGN!!!

    It’s all good. Stay focused. Go willingly where Allah takes you, being focused on Him at all times and all will be good.

    I’m right there with you, my friend, but you must believe in Allah and His Control. No one else has any.

    The hubz and and I watched a little of the “Saturday Night Live” anniversary.
    Alec Baldwin whom I used to think was a hunk of burning love said, “Free Will is an illusion. Life plays us”. He got that right! Alhumdulliah Rabil Allimeen. My God – Allah!!!

  • anabellah

    March 18, 2015

    @Mari2,

    The friend who said you take care of people and bring them peace, but what do they do for you, was he or she Muslim?

    Allah is the only one who can give anyone peace. Keep doing what you do or are inspired to do, seeking the good pleasure of Allah and seeking no one else’s pleasure and you should be okay. If you’ve been helping others for any other reason, stop, as you gain no barakats (Blessings) for doing so.

    There is no limit on the loan (charity) you give to Allah in helping people. Charity and zakat are two separate things. Zakat is paying the poor their due, which is 2% of what a person has sitting in the bank at the end of a calendar year or 2 % of one’s salary. There is no restrictions on charity or spending in the cause of Allah for the benefit if your own soul.

  • Mari2

    March 18, 2015

    Honestly, all I want in my marriage is honesty. Some sort of “do right”. I’m not a liar. I’ve never hidden myself before him or others. I’ve only pushed for the truth when he hoped to hide it. And since I’m apparently in my 40’s, I’m less likely to deal with lies and subterfuge. I have no reason for that. But now I’m confronted with a hard, cold truth. My husband, a man I love soooo much is apparently a liar and a deceiver. He refuses to tell the truth to anyone one in his family about anything. So where does that put me as his wife? Shall I be co-dependent in his lies? Shall I accept his excuses? Do I want to remain married to a man bent on the hell fire? What is my responsibility now? Shall I remain a secret wife forever for a spot in his idea of wifely martyrdom? Or should I just walk away from the entire ordeal?

  • Mari2

    March 17, 2015

    A good friend of mine pointed out to me that I take care of him like a I’m his mother. And he offers nothing in return to me other than more stuff I have to support (emotionially and religiously). The burden always seems to be on me. She confronted me to asked me confront him as to his plan. She said “you bring him peace. What peace does he bring you?” Good question.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 17, 2015

    It is stressful but my husband’s openness on the topic does help. He does not do secrets.
    The pregnancy thing was something he has said from the beginning, he was always delaying us trying but promised we’d try before he got married again. He knows hows its important to me. Does he have to? Nope. I acknowledge that but it doesn’t mean i wasn’t hurt he broke his promise.

  • Mari2

    March 17, 2015

    Thank you all for your input here. Yes, many times I do feel like I am supporting the family financially (true) whom ignore my existence (also true). And yes, I absolutely know that M’s marriage to cousin is not as physically devoid of pleasure for him as he would like me to think, regardless of her figure. As Ana has said, I’m in my 40’s. I’ve been there…pu$$y is pu$$y after all (please excuse the bluntness of it all). I’m in no way locked into some fantasy that he loves me “better”.

    Do I think I can be in charge financially just because I have money? No. I’m in charge of the finances because M has put that burden upon me. I pay the bills. I filed his taxes for him. I deal with the every day expenses. Not him. I am the one who must contact him weekly with the latest payments for his own credit card accounts as we have no personal household accounts. Not really a problem because we can do it, or at least I can. Just because I have money (kind of) doesn’t mean I feel in charge or in control. I just feel used and demanded upon. Yes an Islamic husband SHOULD provide…and M did for cousin wife as far as marriage was concerned, and continues to do for other people. But as far as I am concerned, I provide for myself and him at the same time.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    I get it. Thank you for expaining further. I think I’d want my husband to do it and get on with it. What u r going through is far too stressful.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 17, 2015

    I understand now what I said was wrong, it was me venting to another friend who was supposedly calling me to support me as I had supported her through 2 divorces. I had told her for most of the conversation to go ahead wwith it if she wanted and she swore black and blue she would never marry him. I eventually broke down and assumed she was serious in trying to help me. I learnt my lesson and understand that I should not have mentioned it to her or anyone else its between my hsuband and I. I was just venting my feelings and have since understood that it is Allah’s plan that I will get pregnant when I do, I even discussed that with her, I understand it will happen when Allah wills and had told her from way back when I will not stand in his way. I was just licking my wounds I guess and seeking comfort in a friend, I should only seek comfort in Allah so it did teach me a lot.

    She had not problem marrying him, she WANTED to marry him, just in secret. Announced to me only on their wedding day which he said no to, he will do what he wants in both marriages, he doesn’t do secrets. Nor does he allow me to dictate things, he thankfully reminded me of Allah and reminded me if I was suppose to fall pregnant I would have despite birth control or anything else. I apologised to her for what I said yet she still tried to dictate what he was allowed to tell me or not? I get I hurt her by venting but I never would have said anything if she had let me know she was interested from the beginning.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    Put yourself in another woman’s position. Say you were single and a man aproached you to be his second wife. You then are contacted by or you contact the wife. The wife starts telling you how she doesn’t want her husband to marry another, but will accept it bcuz she’s supposed to and that she has an agreement with her husband that she’d get pregnant before the newcomer wife and he’s supposed to keep her apprised of what’s happening in the newcomer and the husbands plan; how receptive do you think you’d be about accepting an invitation for marriage to the man?

    No woman wants to marry a man who is controlled by another woman. What you agreed to with your husband is wrong. The wives get pregnant when they get pregnant. Who are you to say when another woman tries or gets pregnant? You can’t really expect him to get another wife while you’re sweating him all the time, putting obstacles in his way. He has let you know his intention and consulted with you about it. It’s all he needs to do. You need to back up off him and let him do what he needs to do.You could say all you want how you’re going along with your husband having another wife, but you are not.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 17, 2015

    So I am finally on the computer I guess I should let you all know the new developments in my life.
    So my husband approached a friend of mine to get married, mind you I am not too fond of this friend, but we keep in contact from time to time. Anyways I was against him marrying her as I disliked her but I thought maybe it was just jealousy so I was supportive of him to a degree. The friend rang me up many times asking is it your husband etc. When I admitted it was my husband asking for her she was admant she would never ever go there, as she had been down that road before and it didn’t end well for her. She asked me what was happening and I told her while I was supportive of him remarrying as it was his right I was uncomfortable with it happening right now as we had yet to try for a baby which was the agreement we had. But if she decided to meet him I would not cause any problems.
    For the next 72 hours my husband and I were put on a emotional friggen rollercoaster ride by her, she would call him names for even thinking to do this to me, said she was not heartless and would never ever marry him. As soon as he gave up and said okay fine, she’d message back and be like we’ll get married as long as you do not tell your wife we are meeting up, she will hurt me and make it so hard on me etc. Then she’d message me constantly asking me to forgive her. Then when I’d say I know whats going on just get it over with and meet stop messaging him constantly (he was getting messages every few minutes from her saying how wonderful and lovely he is, mind you she has never laid eyes on him and knows absolutely nothing about him) she would back out and say to him I was stressing her out to much. I admit that at the beginning I may have put her off by what I said, that we were trying for a baby and I was uncomfortable with his second wife, should he get one, getting pregnant before me. But that was when she was swearing by Allah she would never marry him. Nor do I see how them meeting in secret would make my feelings any better towards her. Anyways this went over and over on and on for 3 days or more, backing out and then messaging him saying that she would go ahead but I was not to know until they set a date for their wedding.
    Thankfully it is in my husband and mines contract that he cannot be secretive, nor did he want to be as he trusts me, although he was mad I said what I said in the beginning and we agreed to work on a few things due to the situation and that I may take a step back from the process in the future. We still to this day have no idea why she did what she did. Why she tried to get information from me at the beginning even though she was clearly interested in him, why she wanted to throw away our friendship for a man she didn’t even meet? Why she wanted to convince him I was evil? Why couldn’t we work together instead of her being my enemy?
    All I can do is breathe easy, my husband was beginning to believe her, even said she was right I was too jealous etc. I prayed to Allah that if she was good for us and it was good for her then to allow me to overcome my emotions, but if she was bad for us and our situation then keep her far far far away. I prayed that He reveal the truth whether it be for me or against me. I am happy I learnt from the situation that Allah is in control, He allowed the truth to be revealed that she was sending messages around saying how me and he think she is desperate, that we were trying to pressure her to marry my husband.
    Sigh, it sounds mental writing it out like that, but I guess polygamy or proposed polygamy brings out the crazy in some women.

  • Bibi

    March 17, 2015

    Ana well said oh my goodness. I’ve been racking my brain trying to understand why many men lie and deceive when it comes to polygamy. They’re afraid of the consequences and reactions of the present wife/wives. They need to man up because it takes a MAN to be polygamous and good at it.

  • Bibi

    March 17, 2015

    Ana I agree with you 100%.
    Farah if you are happy in your marriage and you believe your husband is a changed man since December when you had to find out about another wife of five years the way you did then so be it. You must also believe the man dosent belong to you merely because he’s your husband. You don’t own him. He’s not a stuffed animal in your possession you get to choose whether to share him or not. He’s polygamous it’s done the knot is tied you must come to terms and accept it. Accept the decree of Allah. If you refuse you’ll be miserable unhappy and in constant agony for the rest of your life. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down. Just trying to tell it as it is so you can snap out of it quick or you’ll be ruined. If I didn’t care I wiuld be writing this now. We all have our an set of tests and trials. Yes I’m a third wife and living with both my co wives and husband. I’ve accepted the decree of Allah and am content with my decision and life.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    I think it was Musa Mohammad who said (something to the effect) that women need to get themselves together with accepting polygamy, so men don’t have to hide and lie. I initially rejected what he said. I’m, however, beginning to get it. I see his point.

    We women put so much emphasis on men lying and hiding marriages that we don’t see why they do it or we ignore why they do it. When men are forthcoming, the wives go all kinds of crazy. They refuse 2 accept what the husbands Intend to do, and begin demanding divorce.

    We aren’t responsible for the husband’s lies and secrets. We are responsible for our reactions/actions.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    @farah,

    If you intend to stay in the marriage and accept the marriage will be polygamous,the only way to become painfree and content in your Marriage is to accept a few things. You must accept that your husband had a right to become polygamous. You must accept that since your husband is actually polygamous, Allah decided it for him. Third, you must accept that the other woman had a right to marry the man you are married to, and Allah decided it.

    If you can’t come to accept all of the above, you could remain in the marriage and continue to reject polygamy, blame your husband and his other wife, be angry, resentful, bitter, hostile, and in unbearable, severe pain and agony.

    If you are not a firm believer that Allah is 100% in charge -100 % in total control of your life, your husband’s and his other wife’s, you’ll suffer in the marriage.

  • anabellah

    March 17, 2015

    @farah,

    Based on your posts, I’m unsure whether you hate your husband or love him. Your posts are conflicting. You said he changed overnight. How did that happen? You said you were staying for the sake of the kids but now have stated you stay becuz you love him.

    A good start for you would be to sit down and take a good look at your marriage. Ask yourself why you really are staying in the marriage, whether you love your husband. Ask yourself whether you are willingly to accept your marriage being polygamous.

  • Farah

    March 17, 2015

    @ bibi
    Thank you for your kind words..
    I dont know how you being a 3rd wife copes ,but sharing for me is very hard
    I can’t also give up my marriage as I love my husband alot

  • Bibi

    March 17, 2015

    Welcome farah wa alaikum salaam. I’m bibi a third wife. I can’t imagine the immense heartache you must be experiencing since Allah revealed the secret life and wife of your husband. I advise you to look at your situation from every angle. Allah is the revealer and concealer. Allah hid your husbands secret life to you for a reason. Perhaps to teach you to not put all your trust in your husband but in Allah alone. What your husband did is terrible and there’s no way to justify his selfish act. What happens in the dark soon comes to the light one way or another. Did tour co know of you? Does she have any children by your husband? How did you find out she exists? Beg Allah for the strength to accept the things you cannot change the courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. We’re here for you.

  • Farah

    March 17, 2015

    Assalamualaikum

    I am new to this support ….i am a first wife and in december i found out my husband has been married for 5 years and i had no idea.

    i am in a very bad emotional way…any suggestions for me

  • Ruqayyah

    March 16, 2015

    Men can hide it as much as they can so as not to hurt the non-favoured wife.. they needn’t walk around saying “so and so is my favourite”, each wife should be made to feel special and loved, even if she knows or believes deep down the other is the favoured wife.. I agree they shouldnt be blamed but they dont need to rub it in either. And it also may change, sometimes one wife is always favoured, other tiems it varies from day to day, one marriage may have a rough patch and he loves the other wife more, a few weeks later the situation is reversed. My husband likes to say I’ll always be his favourite because I’m willing to give up what I want to make him happy (I do it primarily because Allah has allowed polygamy for him, but I guess it makes him feel special I’m willing to try). I try not to believe him though, he has no control over who he loves nor any experience in what we will be like in polygamy.

  • Bibi

    March 16, 2015

    Hahahahahahahaha y’all have me cracking up laughing too early in the morning. Ana a mouthful seriously lol. I’ll be back to comment further inshaAllah. Ana enjoy your vacay:) wish I could have with my hubs but we do everything as a family to such an extent

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    @Laila,

    I must clarify; it’s not said in the Quran a man would only love only one wife. Allah swt says a man will love one wife more than another. A man will have a favorite wife and it’s perfectly ok because He (Allah) controls the heart of man (as in mankind). Allah places love in the heart. Men should not be made to feel guilty, nor feel guilty for loving one wife more thsn another. He needn’t hide it either. What is in the heart manifests itself. It surfaces for all to see – those who have eye (spiritual sight) that see – believers

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    Assalamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    My intention was 2 wait till towards the end of the vac. to write, But now find myself writing briefly on my phone (sigh) when I get a chance.

    @Marie,

    I am so totally happy as all outdoors on a beautiful, clear blue sky, Sunshining, fresh air, breeze Blowing day that you are expecting a beautiful daughter. She can’t help but be beautiful like her mom and her handsome little brothers whom I’ve seen picks of. Alhumdulliah!

    About tiny boobs we’ve been referencing about Mari2’s co,I’ve heard men say if a woman has got a mouth full, it’s enough 😕

    @ All the newbies,

    I’ve got to get back with you ASAP. I thank all our lovely blog family members 4 welcoming you. Yhey are the best.

    @Laila,

    Insha Allah, I will have a cappuccino with thoughts of you {hugs}

  • Marie

    March 16, 2015

    Mari2, the way I see it is this. You and your husband have discussed his new marriage for a long time, he used to talking to you with no barriers and as you seem to be Ok with the marriage he has no reason to suspect that discussing baby’s and periods would annoy you. The same happened with my husband, before he married ‘other’ he would have phone conversations with her in front of me, buuut once they had decided to marry I had forgotten to tell him to have his conversations in private or at least not around me, unfortunately he learned the hard way after I completely flipped out. I already new quite a lot about her, like you do about your husbands wife. Those details need to stop, its no good for any of you. Imo, nothing should be private between an unmarried man and woman but once they are married we need to remind ourselves and our husbands they WE did not get re married HE got re married.

    You can either continue to fund the Pakistani family, your husband and any babies they may or may not have and feel entitled to know the ins and outs of their marriage (including things you may not want to know) or you can cut them all off mentally and financially and carry on with your life or you can give (in charity with no conditions) a set amout and regardless of any future children or wives you stick to that amout and tell your husband that their business is their business. And to not bother you with any details of Pakistan.

    Now, about the comparing I think husbands do tell their wives what they think they want to hear. And although men have their preferences their is only one criteria that makes a woman suitable to marry and that is, a vagina. As long as she is a woman and can have sex alls good in his book. They have no problems doing the deed so the fact that one have more curves and bigger boobs doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the other ones smaller boobs and smaller figure. Me and my co are poles apart in appearance but my husband finds us both attractive and sexy. Men are really not that hard to please.

  • Laila

    March 16, 2015

    Dear Ana. We all go through madness 😉 It is up to us to see beyond that madness and move along. Eventhough sometimes it is in super snail pace. But as long as we are moving along, then we have hope. And hope is way better then nothing at all. Hope you are having a blast on your vacation my dearest. Since I am a coffee maniac, have a cappucino on me! ♡♡♡♡

  • Laila

    March 16, 2015

    Dear Bibi. The fact that he compares both his wives and says that the younger one does not have curves, he is trying to send the message that, yes he is married to her but it does not mean that he is in love with her. This is the problem with men. My husband is no exception to this scenario. They may have issues and say that the relationship is only for the sake of the family / children / society etc. But at the end of the day these same men can jump into bed and make a gazillion babies. So in no way am I saying, don’t trust your husbands. But all I am saying is this, men will always love all their wives. There will be something special in each wife that he will remember and cherish. In that way, sometimes I feel Allah s.w.t. is Great. But also let us not fall for the sugar coated fact that as a husband he will only love one wife. That is just horse s***.

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    @Dear Laila,

    I can attest I went through madness, and only by the Grace of Allah came out sane. Wink

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    Willingly in the sense that he’s going along with tradition and culture over religion – way of life – Islam

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    My thoughts are any time Mari2’s husband says something derrogatory about the cousin wife and the families over there, it to appease Mari2 and continue to make her think he’s disliking what’s happening while all the while WILLINGly going along with it. I don’t get the baby thing though and he certainly has no intent this deep in to tell cousin girl of Mari2. My thoughts

  • Bibi

    March 16, 2015

    @laila in what way is mari2s husband trying to appease her? By constantly comparing her body with a 17 year olds? Or by making her feel uncomfortable by letting her in on his baby making plans with the new co? Or spending her money in his favour? Or by listening so much to his mother and other family hiding mari2s mere existence from the cousin co? I’m not getting a good picture from the husband at all from what mari2 has shares with us. Did I miss something?

  • ummof4

    March 16, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Laila, you are correct. No one deserves to be lied to. All husbands should tell the truth to their wives about what concerns them. Your husband having another wife is a concern for any woman. No, we don’t need to know any personal business of our husband and his other wife, but we should know of each other’s existence. We just need to look at Edith’s recent situation to understand why each wife needs to know the existence of the other and how to contact the other wife.

    Mari 2, I agree with others. You have taken on the role of provider of the family. The saying is “You pay the cost to be the boss.” You are now sounding like you deserve to be the boss. However, in Islaam, the husband is the head of the household. That doesn’t mean he gets to be a tyrant, or that he doesn’t consult with his wife and make joint decisions for the family. It means that he is supposed to be the primary (or sole) provider for the needs of the family. When a wife pays all the major bills for the household, she often wants to be the head of the household. I have seen this happen in many marriages.

    Mari 2, I am still perplexed as to how the whole family in Pakistan knows of your marriage to your husband except for his wife. How are they keeping this info from her? Why do they contact you if they want to act like you don’t exist? Why are you even corresponding with the in-laws of your husband?

    Ladies, we have had several sisters on the blog complain about being harrassed on line through emails and facebook. Others have complained about receiving harrassing texts by phone. Whatever happened to ignoring or blocking those who are harrassing you? Are some of us truly “drama junkies” who like to always have something going on in our lives to make them exciting? Just a thought; I’m speaking in general, not to anyone in particular.

    May Allah help us all.

  • Laila

    March 16, 2015

    Actually now when I think about it Mari2’s situation is pretty complicated. Ive been thinking about her while cooking. It dawned to me that her husband is also in some kind of complicated situation. He is trying his level best to appease Mari2 and yet he is also trying to get his young wife pregnant. I think many of you guys would have commented this and I am just repeating facts. But he should NOT consult Mari2 about wanting to get the new wife pregnant. It is very complicated. I am sure on one hand Mari2 is trying to think and provide input without getting her feelings involved and yet there is the what the f*** moment. Initially my co did ask hubbs as to whether we ever want children and he said yes. She threw a fit and broke stuff at home. But his point of view was, he is not getting married to get it legal to get laid. But I think when one wife makes it her business to know then yes, I am sure the anger, pain and misery will start. The fact that Mari2 is also footing many bills puts her in a rather complicated spot. She is now being the man of the house and as men behave such she is also taking on that role without her even realizing it. She does not want to be authoritative but because the main bacon comes from her she feels entitled to know what are the next plans and she has a point. It is her money and their decision making will in the long run make an impact towards her.

    Another part that totally baffles me is the whole covering act. Why doesn’t his family allow both women to communicate? What are they REALLY covering up here. Mari2 I would never allow anybody to ask me questions in regards to my vacations with hubbs. It does not matter which wife goes. Both wives are entitled. Her brother had no right asking you any questions and personally I would never have entertained him.

    That is why I believe when a man wants to go into polygamy he has to get things sorted out. All parties have go be truthful and know each other and not play sill games like this which will indirectly hurt the feelings of the first wife. I am of the belief that a wife is the closest person to a husband. What is the point in hurting the one person who is loving, loyal and the person who believes in you? Eventhough in Islam a husband does not require permission but I am sure that kindness is also looked into. Many years ago hubbs wanted to hush our marriage up for a few years. I am glad I was truthful from the start. It was a painful journey but it was worth it. My co does not deserve to be lied to. No co deserves that.

  • Laila

    March 16, 2015

    Dear Mari2. Th simple fact that you are funding a lot of things will automatically give you the sense of entitlement. I understand that you feel that your sense of privacy is slowly being taken away and you are at the point of answering questions. But, as much as he is to be blamed you too are at fault. Why pay? Isn’t that the mans job? This is what happens when one wife steps up the plate and shoulders a lot of responsibilities. The fact that you have not been allowed to even communicate with your co shows me as an outsider that his whole family is taking serious advantage of you. His mother in law seems to think he is the money bags. When in reality he is not. I will never tolerate such things. Even when hubbs and I got married I made it super clear. He cannot use her funds for me. It is not acceptable. That is why I went dutch with him for years so he could save for me. Back then we hardly ever went out and gifts only were on birthdays. So I think its high time your co is told of what is happening here and stop being treated like a fragile little doll. Ummof4, I loved your post about being a woman! 🙂

  • Bibi

    March 16, 2015

    My sentiments exactly

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    I think the husband is trying to pacify Mari. He can’t be that stupid to think that 17 yr. Old girls body is supposed 2 resemble Mari2’s who I think is in her 40s and has had a couple kids. Women’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes. He shouldn’t be discussing that girl’s business eith Mari2. Okay I’m done 4 now. Ive got 2 get back to caring 4 the hubz. I’m on my phone.

  • anabellah

    March 16, 2015

    @Bibi,

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with if a wife wants to take care of people, including taking care of a husband and a co,seeking the good pleasure of Allah. Ruqayyah said it all, don’t spend u r hard earned coin seeking 2 control people, and expecting something in return from people. The cousin girl is an innocent victim in the ordeal. As Ruqayyah said the girl thinks it’s her husband money. The family is trying 2 control the husband’s money, not recognizing Mari2 as a wife. Mari2 previously said the husband worked 24/7.

    Mari2 is not a victim. She’s accepting of the situation. Furthermore, Allah could snatch the money away from Mari2 and let her know whose money it really is -Allah’s. I’m not one to bite my tongue when it comes to truth. I know and understand Mari2 is very upset and hurt. I totally get it. I’d imagine I would be 2 in a situation such as hers. I believe it’s about 2 get really ugly. None of it is cousin girl’s fault.

  • Bibi

    March 16, 2015

    Ana and Ruqqaya that’s true. Mari2 painted a picture as if she’s the sole provider and maintainer of the family and seems to have been for awhile personally I wouldn’t like it done to me but people have their own ways and it seems to have been working for them so I rest my case. It’s so unfair to the girl though starting her marriage off on a dishonest platform. It’s unfair to mari2 as well. The husband needs to grow a pair and be a MAN.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 15, 2015

    @Mari2, I can’t for the life of me understand why you would agree to fund his entire family. I love my husbands family but he doesn’t even get to touch my money if I don’t say yes… I don’t know I just couldn’t fathom agreeing to fun his budding family.

    The girl still deserve her privacy, just because it is your pay check does not mean you get to run her life. She didn’t agree to use your money, as far as she knows its her husbands money because no one told her otherwise. I doubt she would agree to using your money if she knew. Now she is married and has no way out. I’ve had people lord over me too when I was too young to support myself, they felt they had the right to control every single decision just because they helped me out. I never asked for their help, they weren’t my providers as per islam, they helped me “out of the goodness of their hearts” only to use it against me so they could control the situation. It is a sucky position to be in and I hope you don’t use the fact that it is your money to control his other marriage and baby making, it may be time for him to get a better job because I see the situation getting messy fast.

  • anabellah

    March 15, 2015

    Maybe if cousin girl,Mari2 and the husband were living as a family, Mari2 should imput. The girl doesn’t even know about Mari2. Just bcuz Mari2 is paying doesn’t give her the right 2 attempt to control that girl’s life. She’s not God.

  • Bibi

    March 15, 2015

    Salaams ladies. Ummof4 you have such a kind demeanour and I love you for that. That is very admirable you have spoke to your husbands wives and potential wives prior to marriage. Bless your heart.

    Mari2 now I understand better. If you will be financially supporting cousin girl and/or future children in the future then by all means you should have a say and be heard. And yeah in Pakistan there’s no such thing as privacy. Mari2 your husband needs to put a muzzle on and zip his lips. I think it’s all too new for him and he’s desperate for things to say to make you feel okay with what’s going on bc as u said he knew what he was getting before he got it

  • Mari2

    March 15, 2015

    @Bibi in fact here is a glaring example of the fact that he and I too have no privacy…M and I have decided to visit NYC upon his return. I got a small bonus that allowed me to make reserve 2 days and three nights in Manhattan. We’re so both very excited. My family for the most part lives in NYC. I messenged a cousin on a social site and told him we would be there and asked to meet for lunch. I also asked him to recommend some activities. My cousin sent me recommendations via my wall for M and me. What happened next? Well, every tom, dick, and harry in Pakistan started to text me and demand to know who was paying for the trip. Seriously. Cousin’s girl bro flat out contacted me and asked me who was paying. Though none of his business, I said I was paying which is true. Then M called me 2 nights ago because he was confronted by cousin girl’s mom as she demanded too to know who was paying for the trip. What? We can’t go on a trip? So that in a nutshell is “privacy” in Pakistan bibi. So honestly, him telling me about her days of menses are probably not really that private. I’m pretty sure everyone already knew.

  • Mari2

    March 15, 2015

    @Bibi you must also understand that while u think M and I have no reason to discuss his marriage/pregnancy to her, I, and soley I am the person who funds the cluster of something that is his familial requirement. I pay. Not him. Me. My job. My paycheck. I put a roof over his head and his mother as well when she is here. I buy the food. I pay for the cars. I pay the bills. So when it comes to making babies…I absolutely have input. While I would love to not be a part of the decision process, the said process and decisions of others impact my paycheck. And when one wants to impact my pay, then one must be answerable to me as well.

  • Mari2

    March 15, 2015

    @Ummof4,
    I have asked on numerous phone calls here to speak with the second wife. I would like to speak with her. I do not think of her as a bad person at all, but all of my efforts to ask to speak to her have been denied. I have no resentment towards her. But neither M nor his family or hers will allow me to offer a simple salam to her.

  • Mari2

    March 15, 2015

    Ummahof4,
    You are correct in that some are ready to be wives and mothers at a younger age and some are not. I personally was not at a young age and am glad that Allah chose for me to have my children at an age when I could be a more mature mother.

    Bibi..I know you are right that M and I should not be discussing fertility stuff between M and cousin wife. I never asked to be a part of that. I was pretty put out that he would ask that of me. And I point blank asked him if he planned on discussing my fertile days with her.

    As far as the financial implications of a pregnancy, I don’t feel remiss at putting forth what he already knows regarding his financial status. I simply asked him to look at the forest, not a single tree. M has a way of just living in the moment and not looking at future issues that may arise. I on the other hand am always looking at a myriad of scenarios that may arise and solutions to each of them should they occur. It really does prevent surprises from cropping up. Or at least being able to cope with what may happen if Allah wills it. Prevention is worth an ounce of cure.

    I was however irritated by his text message about her figure. It rubbed me the wrong way for a variety of reasons: First, it violated the no comparison ground rule. We are given the bodies we have by Allah. Other than changing how we look via surgery, our curves are the ones He gave us.

    Second reason it irritated me was because I am not sure what I was supposed to do with that information. Was I supposed to gloat because my boobs are bigger? Was he trying to make me feel good about my status as first wife? Am I supposed to make her more curvy? Express sympathy? What was I supposed to do with that TMI of his?

    Third reason I was irritated was because M already knew what her figure was. He grew up with her, saw her last year, knew she didn’t have curves. So it’s not like this issue was unknown to him, and he didn’t know until their marriage. Did he expect her to turn into Kim Kardashian between engagement and marriage? I basically told him he was being unfair to her as he was fully aware of her body type prior to marriage. He agreed to engagement, he married her, he consummated the marriage per his free will, so any complaints thereafter were just bitchy. Yeah. Proud moment in my marriage…I told my husband he was acting like a bit**

  • ummof4

    March 15, 2015

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ladies, maybe I’m a little different or more assertive than some of you. When my husband was considering marrying any of his other wives, I insisted on having a conversation with her. And I had the conversation with his prospective wife. I know that it is not required in Islaam, but I have a personal belief that it is best if every woman needs to know what she is getting into when she marries any man. I don’t care if she’s 15, 16, 30, or 65.
    Old enough to get married, old enough to have sex, old enough to have a baby, old enough to be treated like a woman. If someone is still a little girl, she should not get married. A wife is a wife, not a daughter or a sexual toy.
    My daughter wanted to get married at an early age, mostly because she wanted to have legal sex (like most young people). She was engaged at 17 and married at 18 because by then she was ready to be a wife, not just a girlfriend or a sex partner. Two other young ladies in my community recently were married when they were 16 and they are doing fine as wives and mothers.
    I have known young ladies to be married at 14, 15, 16, who were mature enough to be full-fledged wives, one of which married a much older man who already had a wife and children. I think Bibi sounds like her. This one young lady did well in her marriage because she was a young woman, not a little girl.

  • Bibi

    March 14, 2015

    @ana enjoy every moment. So happy for you.

  • anabellah

    March 14, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello Everyone,

    @Bibi, hi sweetie 🙂

    The hubz and I are vacationing, so I’m spending quality time with him. I’ll keep checking in to approve comments and will comment more in depth at the end of the week, Insha Allah.

    Everyone, Insha Allah, hold down the fort and continue to help one another. Love to you all!

  • Bibi

    March 14, 2015

    As salaamu alaikum, Ana where are uuuuuuuuu? I pray you are in the best of health and living to the fullest. Missing u.

  • Bibi

    March 14, 2015

    @mari2 well hopefully your co will overcome her immaturity as you have admitted to doing. I don’t understand why your husband and you are discussing whether or not cousin girl is prepared for those steps in life especially the part about becoming pregnant and being a mother. I mean that’s between them two. It’s good you are concerned but wouldn’t you feel a little violated if M discussed those particular topics about you with cousin girl?

  • Bibi

    March 14, 2015

    Everyone have a blessed day. May Allah shower incalculable blessings upon you and your families. Ameen

  • Bibi

    March 14, 2015

    @Marie congratulations sister. I have two boys and I want a girl so bad. InshaAllah if Allah allows it

  • Mari2

    March 13, 2015

    I really don’t know what to say regarding my husband complaining that she has no curves to me, as if I can do something about that. And I ask if he has told her about me, and he says “No,” “Relax” Then he tried to nail me for asking questions. Like some how I did him wrong because I questioned him and demanded an answer.

  • Mari2

    March 13, 2015

    @ and I would just like to say this…when I was barely 17, I too was a hot mess. I knew nothing of religion that I was raised in, nor did I care. Was I still wallowing in my days of “fairy tales”. Sure. Did I focus more on pretty things rather than reality? Absolutely. Did I want a fairy tale wedding…sure! Was I the least bit able to support a marriage with my 17 year old mind? Nope. I actually cringe to think of the “hunk” I may have chosen. MASHALLAH I swept thru my adolescence protected and stupid ideas of chivalry interrupted by my father. I went to university at barely 18, came out at the other end 4 years later and barely 21. Great growing up experience. MASHALLAH my dad didn’t agree to marry me off to a cousin (while educated), or think that I wasn’t worthy of finding myself on my own. My father still remains to this day a great supporter of my idiocy, youth, and my big mouth… I am so blessed to have him in my life, and MASHALLAH for a father such as him.

  • Mari2

    March 13, 2015

    @Marie…How wonderful! So happy for you!

    As for M. H went to another city with friends, borrowed one of their phones and called me so we were able to have a reasonable discussion, finally. He did appreciate my input regarding pregnancy. He gets the whole financial aspect of it, but I don’t think he understands the emotional impact of a young girl thrown immediately into motherhood, losing her chance for education, and faced with being married to a husband who is largely absent. M’s sister is an example of the frustration that boils up when faced with having children per the planning of a husband, not about what the wife either wants or can handle. Not every woman is maternal. Not every woman can deal with a cache of young kids in the home. I do worry for his sis. I worry because sometimes she sounds close to depression, or snapping mentally. She knows at least she can vent to me and I won’t say “but you have a good husband.” As if her feelings have no validation because her husband provides financially.

    I also had a good convo with M regarding communication between us. Before he went, he insisted I download an app so we can communicate often. He asked me to contact him each day, and call him whenever I wished. However, the reality was I would try to communicate and I would get no response, or just a terse one. If I didn’t communicate, I would get a text “Were are you? What are you doing?” I would tell him, open conversation, ask questions and he would not respond to questions. And not invasive ones, simple things like how are you, hows the weather? No response. So during our conversation I told him that if he required me to answer his questions and communicate to him my day to day doings, I expected him to reciprocate in kind. Communication is 2 way. If he wanted to change the game plan of daily communication, I was willing to no longer communicate with him until he arrived back here. But I would no longer answer his questions and give him leave to ignore my queries. He apologized and admitted he was being unfair, and we have been in better communication since.

    As for the issue of cousin being second wife…this is a bone of contention with me. As some may be aware, I was not happy that she wasn’t told prior to the wedding. It still rubs me the wrong way. However, M promised he would tell her once married. He’s been married and in one and a half weeks he leaves. Has he told her yet? No. When I asked him why he was unable to reveal the truth to her, he said “it’s a maturity thing.” Apparently she isn’t mature enough to know of her standing in the marriage. She’s too fragile and child-like to handle it. The HYPOCRISY stings!!!! She’s been determined (rightly or not) to be mature enough to marry, mature enough to have sexual intercourse, mature enough to possibly become pregnant, mature enough to willingly agree to end her education, but she’s not mature enough to be faced with the fact he has another wife?

    Then we get to the prayer thing. For M. daily salat is very important. He always makes sure I pray on time. He and I read and discuss quran together. We pray together whenever possible. Cousin girl didn’t pray before marriage. Only read quran one time in her life. M told me he would work on getting her to being more observant once married. Has she prayed once since married? No. Does she wake for fajar? No. Does she read quran? No. I asked him why he hasn’t required her observance or even asked her to pray with him? We go back to how she’s too young and fragile, and how she needs more time. For what, I might ask?

    Marriage is not pretty dresses and gold. A wedding is. Everything after is life, real life. And while Ana may warn muslims against marrying non-muslims, my husband married a “muslim”.

  • Marie

    March 13, 2015

    Assalaamu alaykum all,

    Firstly I’d like to announce that we are expecting a baby girl. After 3 beautiful boys I’m going to have a daughter Insha’allah.

    Ana, I too like to discuss our religion without being confrontational. If I remember correctly when I first came to the blog we didn’t agree on a few matters but after reading and contemplating I found those things to be true. Alhamdulilah.

    What’s being discussed is actually the first chapter of a book iv beven reading. It was a book written hundreds of year’s ago by a well known scholar. Some of which has now been translated into English. as I was saying the first chapter is in belief it goes through what one must believe as a Muslim like 13 of the attributes of Allah, having the correct belief about Allah’s prophets, books and the angels. The second chapter is on apostasy which is divided into apostate sayings, beliefs, and actions. One of the examples given was. “For one to say that something happened without the qadr of Allah”. Another example was “to deny any of the attributes of Allah.
    So if someone was to say or believe the above they would have blasphemed and would have to re testify (shahadah).

    Ana, I can’t believe iv never noticed the grey box that let’s you copy and paste. I always thought I couldn’t lol. It wasn’t untill you pointed it out lol.

  • Halma

    March 13, 2015

    Well said Ruqayyah spot on!

  • Bibi

    March 13, 2015

    @Ruqayya EVERYTHING is Qadr. If you didn’t pass the exams although Allah blessed you with the tools to do so HE obviously has a different plan for you that you don’t know of at the time. Just like the Hadith I have to find it of the man who was going to pray at the mosque but Shaytaans kept tripping him ruining his clean clothes so each time the man would return home change make wudu then walk to the masjid once again. Shaytaan repeated this tripping act several times. Was The man not supposed to pray NO Allah was testing his patience and dedication and the man was blessed for it. Sorry for stating this Hadith without reference.

  • anabellah

    March 13, 2015

    It all boils down to whether a person believes in Allah or believe in him or herself. It’s not both. It can’t be both. Allah doesn’t share power with anyone. He is GOD.

    If a person believe as non-believers believe, the person is a nonbelievers. Nonbelievers believe in themselves. They think they control things and have power. They believe they make things happen.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 13, 2015

    I’m stuck in a position between laila and ana, I agree it’s qadr and try not to be angry when people are late, but I also realise my actions go hand in hand with qadr. There are laws of this world and laws of qadr. If I don’t study can I sit my exam and say oh well it was qadr I didn’t pass? Allah has given me the tools to pass, a brain the learning material classes etc. If I go to them all and still fail then it’s qadr I tried but it didn’t happen. Just as say I was trying to be on time for lunch but the husband was sick, or the electricity shut off or I lost my keys, it can be qadr. If I just was laying in bed for too long is it qadr or just my decision to be lazy?

  • Bibi

    March 13, 2015

    Laila I’m not saying not to plan or not be organised as the saying goes “trust Allah but tie your camel”. Just believe Allah is the ultimate Planner. If Allah does not will for our plans to work out then it simply won’t work out. We plan and plan and it’s okay but only Allahs plan will happen in the end. All we’re saying is Allahs WILL will be done if you aren’t on the same page I rest my case as well.

  • anabellah

    March 13, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    It’s all good! Enjoy your Michael Kors bag. They are very stylish. I have a few. I like his bags.

    @Bibi,

    No, I like the way you explained it. I’m not very good when it comes to giving examples. You and Ruqayyah explained it nicely. When we work together it helps get the point across it’s good 🙂

  • Bibi

    March 13, 2015

    Perfectly said Ana. I’m a very organised individual but when things don’t go the way I had planned I stop pump my breaks and contemplate on the fact that Allah is the best of Planners and as I believes I was following my plan I was indeed following the ultimate plan of Allah. He’s in control of all. It’s amazing when one sits and thinks of Allah. There’s trillions of human beings walking this earth and Allah is in control of all their affairs and He is watching each of us at all times. Every human every jinn every animal, everything and everyone Allah is watching and testing. Allah Hu Akbar

  • Laila

    March 12, 2015

    Ana. I rest my case. I respect you for your opinion but I do not want to upst you or others. But that is not how I run my life. I have lots of non-Muslim friends and it is difficult. Have a great day ya. Im about to run off to the postal office. My new handbag has arrived from the US! Hehehe…. Micheal Kors!

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    Just because the two friends made an appointment to meet didn’t mean it was supposed to happen. They didn’t meet because it wasn’t the Master Planner Allah’s plan. It’s why we say Insha Allah – if it’s Allah’s will. We aren’t supposed to say it to make it happen. It’s to acknowledge it will only happen if Allah had already willed it.

    There is an ayah in Quran that addresses the same situation you mentioned. If people make an appointment to meet, it will only happen if Allah willed it.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    If the friend gets pissed off because her friend was late and missed the appointment, it means the friend doesn’t believe Allah is in control. The pissed off friend doesn’t believe it happened exactly as Allah decreed. The pissed off friend believes people are in control, and not Allah or the pissed off friend believes people share control with Allah, which is shirk (setting up partners with Allah). It’s all wrong belief or no belief, which are equally bad. The friend who took her sweet little time getting dressed and ended up being late was carrying out Allah decreed. She was following Allah’s script. It was scripted she take her sweet little time and be late for whatever reason Allah caused it to happen.

    If the friend who got pissed off was Muslim, pershaps Allah was testing her to show her how strong her faith was. Her faith was weak. Had she been okay with it and said, Alhumdulliah, her faith probably is strong. Alhumdulliah means all praise to due to Allah. All praise is due to Allah UNDER ALL CONDITIONS AND CIRCUMSTANCES. It’s a beautiful place to be to be able in such a circumstance to say, Alhumdulliah and mean it.

  • Laila

    March 12, 2015

    Wow….. as Ive said. I am not about to create a storm. Yes all the Muslim books emphasize on Allah s.w.t. being the master planner. But the idea is, get oneself organized, and to be futuristic. I guess my comments make me one of those Muslims but not Muslim enough eh 🙂 yes, say for example you wee about to plan to meet up a friend, say at about 12.30 pm and for some reason it did not happen as planned, yes I agree to that. Yes you cannot control the actions of another and the situations that they are faced in. However, lets say the meet up is at 12.30 pm and because you took your sweet time to get dressed. You ended up being late, you would miss the appointment, make a friend pissed off and seriously, what does it say about you?

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to Everyone,

    I would like everyone to know that in NO WAY I am trying to be confrontational with anyone here. I’m only trying to encourage myself and others to consider what Allah says when we render our thoughts and view. We all can learn a lot from one another. People present certain scenarios and I put on my thinking cap. I try to apply what I’ve learned about our religion – way of life – Islam to what someone has presented. I don’t always do it, but try to make an effort to when mindful. The majority of the people here who comment are Muslims or, if not, are married to Muslims. Non-Muslims, as well, can learn and apply what’s learned to their lives, if it pleases God. It’s all good! I just don’t want anyone to take offense or think I’m picking on them. We’re just hashing everything out amongst friends.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I second all you said. I totally agree with you, 100%

    @Laila,

    I’m tracking (following you). Did the authors of the Malaysian self help books say we can bring no good or harm to ourselves, unless Allah wills it?

    About sabotaging your life, you don’t have the power. Only Allah has power. Life is whatever He scripted for us.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 12, 2015

    We can plan but we need to realise Allah I the best of planners. Just take my husband he finally got my “approval” money etc to take a new wife but it keeps falling through for one reason or another. Allah is planning best not my husband. We can try for a child it may not happen. I’ve known people try fertility treatments and IVF for 10 years only to give up and fall pregnant a few months later naturally. We can plan a business and it will fail, my day today is planned out but someone may call needing my help and I’ll need to rush off and help them my plans postponed or cancelled. I see plans and necessary but not the be all and end all. Allah’s plans are best for me so if my plans fail we shouldn’t be upset because Allah has made something more beneficial to us

  • Laila

    March 12, 2015

    Hey Ana. Yes you are right. We need to steer clear of the ideas and theories of non-Muslims. I get that. But, I also read self-help books by Malay Muslim authors who are well known in the Islamic arena in my country. They write on various ideas and facets of life. So it is certainly helpful and it sort of provides a guide for the clueless like me, in my past. So where I am today is because of Allah s.w.t. and that of my own motivation to free myself from sabotaging my kwn life.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I understand what you have said – that you believe your life is better since you plan and are organized. I know, however, all people act according to their own disposition – the way Allah created them. Most people do set out with a plan(s). Whether it gets carried out or not depend on whether or not it coincides with Allah’s plan. Allah says he is the Master Planner. He is the Best of Planners. Whether a person plans or not, the outcome is only going to be what Allah decreed. Once a person realizes it, the person relaxes in the planning other than day to day pretty much, as they know it’s only going to be what Allah decided. We don’t know what He decided. Nonetheless, we are instructed to do as Allah says in the Holy Quran. We, therefore, need only know what Allah says and make our intent to do it.

    Before I became Muslim I used to read a lot of self-help books regularlyy. I don’t read them anymore. Most of them are written by non-Muslims who don’t know a Muslim’s beliefs or way of life. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us not to listen to those who do not follow our religion – way of life, as they don’t know the truth. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Allah in a number of ayat (verses) tells us not to heed them. So, we could listen to Allah or say ???? whatever…

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    My computer is doing crazy things today. I deleted the last unfinished comment and will re-post it momentarily, Insha Allah.

  • Laila

    March 12, 2015

    Ana, I hope my response does not create a storm here. But as much as Allah provides for us all, which I truly believe. I am a firm believer in being organized. Years ago, I was never like this. I alaays did things at the last minute, I was not bothered about organization etc. But nowdays after reading numerous self-help books Ive learnt and realized how stupidly I ran my life. I wasted time, and money, and many other things. I feel it is just not a mature act to think of having a child when you yourself are not straightened out. I always believe that life is all about having plans. As much as Allah s.w.t. is very much in charge, we must have a direction or an idea of where we want to go in life. Drifting about and just doing things at the spur of the moment is not my take. Ive lived that sort of life before and Ive experienced how my life just became worse in every facet. Be it financial, home life, husband, and even family. Nowdays I don’t wait. I work on all facets that are important to me on a daily basis and Ive seen huge changes. I may have days where I am in a funky mood but then again, I am grateful I am able to snap out of it.

    In short, what I am emphasizing here is the need to have a plan. Not to live life as though everything will magically work out on its own. It doesnt.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    Mari2 and Laila spoke of sorting out one’s affairs before setting out to have children. I think it all depends on how a person views life. If a person views it that he or she makes things happen and disposes of his or her affairs as each sees fit, then, yes, a person would thinks they decide when they have children.

    If a person believes as Allah says – that He Disposes of our Affairs; He is the Disposer of Affairs (He has the power to control and rule people) and He makes things happen, then the person doesn’t rely on self or anyone else, other than Allah.

    If everyone had control and waited till the time they thought was ideal to have children, there wouldn’t be many children. Life just doesn’t work that way.

    Some people abort children and some probably out right killed them when delivered because they thought they didn’t have the means to care for a child. (I know some killed the female child simply because she was born female. I’m not talking about that right now) I’m talking about the people who fear poverty due to their financial situation and set out NOT to have children because of it.

    Allah in surah 6, ayah 151 of the Holy Quran says, “kill not your children on a plea of want;- We provide sustenance for you and for them”. Allah lets us know throughout the Quran that HE PROVIDES. We don’t.

    So, it is on us whether we believe in ourselves or believe in Allah and what Allah says.
    .
    In Surah 2, ayah 268, Allah says: “The Evil one threatens you with poverty and bids you to conduct unseemly. Allah promiseth you His forgiveness and bounties. And Allah careth for all and He knoweth all things.”

    Allah promises His bounties to us. Do we believe Him or not? It’s what belief is about.

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    Bibi, As Salaamu Alaikum

    You living in Pakistan would know more than me about the customs and lifestyle there. Of course, Gail does as well. I can understand what you said; that it is customary for women in Pakistan to set out to get pregnant by their husbands ASAP (as soon as possible) after marriage. I think Mari2, in her post, said her sister-in-law mentioned women in the West (appear) to have a choice where it’s the thing to do in non-western countries, such as the KSA. I’m glad you mentioned a bit more about it.

    I’ve mentioned a number of times that I went to Hajj with a group of Pakistanis. The only reason I mention it is because I communicated with many of them daily. There were about 50 of us in the group who traveled together. Many of them bombarded me with the question of whether I have children and, if I remember correctly, some were bold enough to ask why not. I got unusual looks from some of them when I said my husband and I didn’t want any.

    I think in many cultures, it’s just second nature that the next step after marriage is to procreate. It’s how it’s been since the beginning of time. It’s just that in modern times with the advent of many birth control methods, one can use those in an attempt to prevent pregnancies. I wouldn’t say the western way is the best and right way. People in the West tend to think our way is the best. I try to see it that the Islamic way is the best – not the sectarian Islam, but Islam according to the Holy Quran.

    I think it’s jacked up for a person to ask a woman whether she had a cesarean birth or natural child birth. It’s none of the inquirer’s business. Furthermore, why make a woman feel uncomfortable, if she wasn’t able to give birth naturally. I do find that the Pakistani people I communicated with were very direct.

  • Bibi

    March 12, 2015

    Hello everyone,

    Mari2 that is just wrong how your husband broadcasted such a personal delicate topic with you. I would’ve reached through the phone and strangled him. You’re a better woman than I. Hats off to you sister.
    It’s like a law in Pakistan to get knocked up ASAP. No such thing as family planning here. The women are abused in that many. The men don’t understand enough is enough. Literally one minute into meeting someone for the first time they immediately ask you if you have children how many are you expecting did you give birth natural or via cesarean. No respect.

    I’ll be back soon inshaAllah just wanted to stop by let everyone know I’m here and kicking.

    Allah bless you all

  • anabellah

    March 12, 2015

    @Mari2,

    We jumped all over your husband, but we need to understand your husband may not have realized he wasn’t supposed to talk eith you about getting the wife pregnant. It appears to me he had been speaking with you all along about the cousin and the wedding. Perhaps he didn’t realize there were boundaries, as none apparently were set. Even when you conversed with him about it, you didn’t let him know you were upset and to shut the %=÷× up about it. You entertained the discussion. It’s natural for married couples to want children, especially in Pakistan.

  • Laila

    March 12, 2015

    Hello ladies. Mari2, I just read your post and must say, what was your husband thinking?!!!….. I do not allow my hubbs to discuss pregnancy plans with anyone. Because it is based only on both of us and not the world. That was so uncalled for on so many levels. Sometimes I understand when women say they need time to zone out all their issues and problems. I too have days where I strongly feel I married a m****. While we type our issues into the blog but reality is, only we know what went down, and others can assume. Even if I wee to be a first wife I will never agree to planning another person’s or other wife’s pregnancy. You also have a valid point. What is the point of bringing a child into the world when finances are all in a mess? He should get things sorted out. I am the type that believes in that, whereby we as adults must get ourselves sorted out.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    When I speak of falling asleep on people, I believe he had you thinking he really doesn’t want to do all that he’s doing, he’s only doing it to please his mother. The bottom line is he believes in what he’s doing. His culture is a part of him. He could blame it on his mother and everyone else, he’s to blame for it. It’s his belief that he is following. He’s a part of all that hoopla over there. Right about now, I’m sure, he’s feeling like “big daddy”. All the focus is on him and her. Marriage binds. As much as wives want to believe it only about she and the husband and the other wife is insignificant, she’s not dealing in reality. It’s going through what you’re going through right now that makes us stronger or breaks us. You’re a strong woman, Mari2. I believe you will fare well in all of this. Just stay focused. Keep your focus where it need to be to fall under Allah’s protection and be helped and guided by Him. Stay strong!!!

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    I don’t blame you for how you feel towards your husband right about now. It was hurtful for you to hear him talk about getting her pregnant. It was seriously jacked up. It should make you put everything in it proper perspective. Sometimes we fall asleep and we need to be jolted back into the TRUE REALITY. It’s just a one on one with Allah. When we fall asleep and make life about other people, sometimes we get a wake up call.

    I was thinking how sad it is that many of the people around that girl knows of M’s situation, but no one has told her. I could only imagine how devastated she will be when she finds out the truth. I’m sure she’ll be grateful still to have a husband, but to be betrayed by her own family members and his is a huge injustice and seems very, very wrong.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You are better than me in how you handled M. I’d nip that crap right in the bud. My husband knows what to talk to me about and what not to mention to me. I only have to tell him once.

    If cousin girl’s family and friends want her pregnant than let them research when she will be ovulating and figure it out. Exactly as you said, it’s not your business or concern. As Ruqayyah stated, men can be very insensitive at times. They can be downright STUPID at times.

    About her getting pregnant, we’ve already spoke about Allah in that He is the one who determines when and if a woman get’s pregnant. I guess they want her to hurry up and get pregnant, if he will be coming back to the U.S. without her.

    All of what you said to M about considering this, that, and the other is really viewing it from a worldly perspective. Allah says He provides and it’s Satan who threatens us with poverty (with his whispers). If they believe and Allah gives them a child, Allah will provide for them despite his financial situation and enormous amount of debt. If they don’t believe, then they are on their own. They may get relief here and there and respite that Allah gives everyone. Allah does not treat His believing servants and non-believing servants (which includes many Muslims) the same.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    @Mari2,

    You told your sister-in-law the best thing anyone could have told her, which was, “read Quran, pray, and ask Allah for guidance during her trials.” Many “Muslims” don’t realize that if we don’t make an effort to do EVERYTHING Allah tells us to do in the Holy Quran, we will have serious pain and agony in this world, and far worse in the Hereafter. People think they simply need to say they are Muslim and all else will be good. It doesn’t work that way. Allah lets us know that we will have good in this world; He’ll dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease, and that with hardship comes relief for the believers. Life is beautiful in this world for the believers, despite the trials they go through. When we know the Truth, life is easy and we fall under Allah’s protection. We receive His guidance. We are victorious – yes, in this world too.

  • Mari2

    March 11, 2015

    Salam my sisters,

    When reading Laila’s comments at first, I thought she was being unfair to her husband as many did. But after my experiences today with M asking me to find the most fertile days with new wife and trying to help his unhappy sister, I just need a break. Mentally and spiritually. Thinking and praying and wanting my husband to be happy…sure. But I need a breather. And today I do not want to hear from him. Nor tomorrow. He’s sucked me dry truthfully. I don’t want to speak to him. I don’t even feel like picking him up at the airport in 11 days. I have nothing more than a desire to run away and lick my wounds for a bit. I need time to let ettle in my head.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 11, 2015

    Men do not think sometimes as if you wanted to know and choose what day they’d do the do to get her up the duff.. I’m glad you were able to handle it a lot more maturely that I would have.
    As for his sister in KSA is there any way she could ask for a maid once or twice a week? I know maids are a big deal over there for the Saudis and once or twice a week would be enough that she gets a break and possibly a another woman and adult to talk to

  • Mari2

    March 11, 2015

    Then after the depressing talk with M’s sister, M called me this morning with a question. He gave me the date of his new bride’s last menses and asked me to give him the dates in which she would most likely be able to conceive. Like I really wanted to wake to that after worrying about his sis all night.

    I point blank asked M what the rush was. He just said he was confused because some were urging him to get a baby on her quick, and others were suggesting time and restraint. As much as I so dearly wanted to lash out on him, I did not. I simply took a deep breath (many of them). Then I told him that Allah gave him a brain, and perhaps it was time to use it.

    I told him that besides his “friends” there were many other factors to consider:

    1) Can you be a financially responsible parent? You have a dead end job you hate. No money in the coffers after the wedding, lost a month’s wages, no health insurance, and you wanted to go back to school and get a better paying job, and you have thousands in credit card debt. Can you both support a wife, your own family at the same time, AND a child?

    2)Your wife is a good student and she loves school. Her dream since she was young was to go to university. Is she willing or wanting to forgo this to have a child at 17?

    3) Does your wife possess the maturity to deal with having a child alone and a husband who lives in another country? Does she have the strength to deal with the challenges of separation? Or is she still seeing life as a Bollywood drama and a closet of pretty dresses? Life is not just new furniture and unicorns. I asked him the maturity question because his sister herself told me : she is full of shy, laugh too much at stupid, and needs to learn how to maintain herself.

    Then I ended my khutba. M I think did take what I had to say into consideration, or at least he pretended to.

  • Mari2

    March 11, 2015

    Hello to all the wonderful sisters on this blog.

    Last night I had a two hour conversation with the younger sister of M. Though I was tired, I could really see that she needed to vent some frustrations so I spent time talking with her. She’s a really nice girl married to a smart man who has a good job in KSA which is where they reside. Her issue that she needed to vent was her general unhappiness of her life. Her husband is a good person, but she is unhappy and frustrated.

    She was married at 17. Gave birth to #1 at 19, #2 at 22, #3 at 24, and she is currently pregnant with #4 at 26. Unfortunately, due to a tragic accident, #2 died at 18 months. While her children are good kids, they both have high maintenance personalities. Her youngest just turned 2 and is still non verbal. Nor does he sleep much. So she too does not sleep much. She contacted me in the middle of her night frustrated and worn out. She’s overweight, so this pregnancy is really wearing her down health-wise. Her husband works long hours and is a hands off father. She cannot leave the apartment with out her husband. She has no friends in KSA. All of her family that she is close to is in Pakistan.

    She was lamenting to me the fact that she discontinued her education once married. She told me that I was so lucky that I wasn’t “stuck in house all day with little ones”. She also said I was lucky to only have two children during my marriage, and she wished she had the choices of women in the west. She also mentioned that western men were better fathers because they were hands on (which I know really depends on the man, not so much the culture). Then she said “There is no mercy for women of Pakistan.”

    I just talked to her about how kids are kids and husbands are kids too. I suggested some resources for her as far as child development is concerned. But mostly I was a sounding board for her. We all have frustrations. And while Allah may bless us with children, those same children can be trials too. I suggested to her that she read Quran, pray, and ask Allah for guidance during her trials. But wow I felt so sorry for her. She said when she tries to talk to her family about her feelings, they just tell her “You’ll be fine. Don’t worry. You have a good husband don’t you?”

  • Mari2

    March 11, 2015

    @Gail…so nice to hear from you and kudos to you on your weight loss. Good for you! As for gall bladders, those pesky organs. I had mine removed years back after suffering for years with issues. And you know what? I felt so good when it was done. I had no idea how ill I had been until I was freed of the thing. Surgery was a breeze. Outpatient. I had gall bladder removed at 1 pm and home by 7 pm. Back to work two days later. Best thing I ever did. Turns out that I had a weird one, as it was connected in two places to my stomach, and in the wrong place. Luckily I had a good surgeon. My gall bladder is in a medical journal article somewhere. My claim to fame…lol

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our lovely ladies and gents out there in cyberspace

    @Gail,

    I was wondering if you still intend to home school your children or will you send them to public school now? You may have mentioned your intentions about it, but I forgot. I know you were doing an awesome job home schooling them. How is our little 10 year old brainiac doing? Has he made any major observational discoveries yet in his new environment. It must be way cool to have a little genius in your midst 🙂

  • Gail

    March 11, 2015

    Ana,
    It’s ok I was at the dentist yesterday got my teeth clean and have 2 cavities Yay me! lol I like my new dentist and he seems really cool although i am so freak out of needles in my mouth and told him as much.He told me no problem he will give me advand or something like that.I don’t know why but i am a big weeny head when it comes to dentist my daughter on the other hand she was a brave soul.She had to have a root canal and cap places on her tooth.Thanks for the FYI on gallbladder surgery.Again I am a big weeny head when it comes to medical stuff even I worked in the medical field over 10 yrs go figure.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2015

    @Gail,

    Sorry for the quick and short post earlier. I was posting from my phone and wanted to get it submitted before the dentist called me in. I didn’t want to lose it.

    Gail, I’m happy you stop in whenever you can to let us know everything is good with you. You’re still alive and kicking. I’m always happy to hear you and your family are adjusting to your new home and city. It must be a huge change from rural life for you all. I’m excited for you. Insha Allah, the ice cream business will boom there

    At least your gallbladder issue wasn’t as bad as my niece’s who ended up in the emergency room because the pain was so severe 🙁 I have to check with my sister to find out when my niece’s surgery is.

    Working out, losing weight and eating right is so important. I know you feel much better. I always feel waaaay better when I lose weight and am nearer my ideal. Every little bit of weight loss helps. People under estimate the value of exercise. I found it interesting that in the “Still Alice” movie it was said exercise and drinking plenty of water seems to help ward off signs of Alzheimer disease.

    I look forward to hearing from you again when you get some spare time. No pressure {{{hugs}}}

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2015

    @Gail,

    Hey you. You went missing in action again. You are living testimony that things can go from seemingly bad to good. It’s so exciting when a bunch of good things starts happening for one at once.

    Don’t worry much about possibly having to undergo gallbladder surgery. My niece who is in her early 20s will have it soon as well. I have to run for now. I’m at the dentist.

  • Gail

    March 10, 2015

    Ana and Everyone,

    Just checking in with you ladies.I have been crazy busy lately.My inlaws arrived back from Pakistan last week and I got my insurance finally so everyone ran for dental appointments this last week.
    I also signed up a few months back and really have got involved in this weight loss group and have lost 20 pounds and have taken up bike riding.I have not rode a bike in over 25 yrs but I have come to enjoy it very much.My kids and I have been exploring all the beautiful neighborhoods around us.We really love living in the area we choice as it is a very upscale neighborhood and just a joy to live in the city as compared to the country.
    I have been struggling since Dec with gallbladder issues and am going to the doctor on Thursday to start the process to fix that problem.I am hoping I am not going to need surgery but chances are unless it is true u can do a Gallbladder flush seems I might be headed that way so we shall see.
    I am sorry I haven’t popped in more but I just wanted everyone to know that I am really so much happier and at peace with my life now.I feel like I am living the life I was meant to live which is such an amazing feeling.
    I hope everyone is doing great and hanging in there.
    I am fixing to start back on the ice cream truck this season 4 days a week now that season has started I will be crazy busyyyy.lol

  • Bibi

    March 10, 2015

    Congratulations ummof4 on the birth of your grandson. Grandchildren are amazing. I pray he has a speedy recovery and grows into a strong courageous boy and an unwavering defender of Islam. Allah is Great.

    Ruqqaya as salaamu alaikum. You seem to have your priorities in order Allah has blessed you. Any Muslim woman would be lucky to have you as her co wife.

    Fajr lover so sorry for just welcoming you. Welcome. You seem to fit right in. All the ladies have said it all. They’ve given you brilliant advise. I would love to see you stick around.

    Marie or Mari2 I’m still confused when it comes to you two. I know one if you is expecting. I pray your pregnancy is coming along and you be blessed with a beautiful healthy baby.

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m glad you’re feeling much better. Those funk days are bummers 🙁 I hope you had a really nice time with your mum celebrating her birthday, and hope you had a nice homecoming for the hubz 🙂

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m glad you are coping much better with the thought that your husband possibly will marry again, if it’s Allah’s will. I can tell in your recent posts that you made great strides, and have grown so much over time 🙂 Alhumdulliah! Although nothing can prepare a Muslim woman completely for a polygamous life, I think the information on this blog is helpful in letting a wife know what to somewhat expect. Although, it nothing like being in it.

    I don’t blame you for wanting your husband to go through the proper channels in his pursuit of another wife. Once he has his eye on someone, he should ask to speak with her wali. If she doesn’t have one, he should ask her to get one. Of course it’s easier for the man and woman to do a one on one; however, it taints the entire process. If he begins to like what he hears from her, he may begin to desire her and once desire sets in all reason goes out the window. Furthermore, it becomes like dating and our way shouldn’t resemble the unbeliever’s way. When a man and woman does a one on one, communicating directly in an effort to make an intent to wed, the woman reveals a lot of personal information about herself. It’s a violation for a man to learn intimate details of a woman who is not his wife. You could only encourage him to do the right thing, but can’t make him. You’ve done your part.

    I’m glad to hear you’re getting on with your life and trying not to stress as much about the situation that may not come to fruition. Stay strong. You’re doing a very good job.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 9, 2015

    @Ana yes it has been difficult knowing he is searching. Partly it’s him looking other times men who like him ask if he would like to marry their daughters as they don’t realise he is already married as he is young. It was more difficult hearing him speak about it, our idea was that we would always communicate everything so I knew where we stand, if he’s talking to someone or not. But after nearly 3 years having lost that time being anxious and stressed and having so many women freaking out each time he spoke to someone only to have it fall through I asked to be left out he can meet and do what he needs to do, when he decides he likes someone then he can inform me and I’ll meet with her. I asked he finds a good muslim, someone who will try to be friends and work with me to raise our families. He has agreed and I’m hopeful but only time will tell what Allah has in store for us. I’m glad I was able to stop focusing and obsessing about it, last month he said he has plans to marry soon, yet it didn’t work out, so why should I care so much about my husbands plans when he can’t control anything? I’ve wasted too much of my marital life stressing about his plans I’ve finally (I think) gotten my focus right I just ask Allah for the best.

    He has given me many excuses, he wants sex with another woman, he wants variety, we were both virgins when we married and he is jealous of non Muslims who get to experience multiple women, it’s just a desire he has he doesn’t want a family or anything with her but he can’t shake the desire, and also that he sees many women suffering and he wants to help. His reason always changes but it always remains that he wants more than one and he doesn’t want to hurt me. The reason doesn’t matter, it hurts all the same so we just communicate and try to find a way that will hurt less. I’m glad that I had that time to mentally prepare, I’ve read all I can online, read books etc. I’m prepared in theory which I’m glad for. I used to resent it but now I look at it as Allah may have guided me to it because He knew I would be lost if it were sprung on me. It may never happen though but I’m glad also my husband shared it with me and helped teach me and support me even when I purposefully made his life difficult because I was so angry he could even think of another wife.

    Now the only difficult thing is thinking of him doing it the wrong way. We agreed early on we believed based off our study of the religion that all contact between a non married man and woman is wrong unless there is a chaperone, I don’t agree with him texting or calling a woman he isn’t married to. So having him do that behind my back is frustrating and breaks my trust. I prefer it when he goes through the girls father or brother as I feel it is proper and will allow them to the best decision based off logic rather than emotion. It will protect the girl too from being misused. He has always agreed but often does the opposite, I think he learn from last time though so we’ll see what the future has in store for us. I’ve finally forgiven him and no longer expect him to be perfect, I accept his flaws as I want him to to accept mine and we work around them. I feel it’s been a good learning experience for us both.

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’d imagine it must be difficult for you knowing your husband is ACTIVELY looking for another wife. Your situation is unlike many others in which the husbands seemed to have met the women without looking or knew the women before hand. They go home and tell the wives they have met someone or hooked back up with someone whom they will marry or already married.

    In your case in which he’s searching, only Allah know when and if polygamy is for him. He could be chasing after something that he will never receive. In the interim, you’re dealing with it psychologically and emotionally, as well. It has to be painful to have in your mind that your husband wants to marry another and you don’t know who or when. It’s not easy to daily have it on your mind, I’m sure.

    It would be nice if he could just let the thought go and allow it to present itself naturally, if it meant to be. Did he tell you what’s driving him to want another wife? Is it just because he desires to be polygamous? Is it simply an urge he has? Does he just want variety? I can’t wrap my head around what it is. Can you?

  • Ruqayyah

    March 9, 2015

    That post was for me too, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking if he loved me he’d do this or that. He would want to spend time (all of his time) with me, he’d never upset me etc. But it’s unrealistic. I think the ball dropped last time, I actually have a bit to tell you guys when I get on the computer as I’m on the ipad right now. He wanted to marry a single mum who has nothing, I was very jealous and didn’t want him to marry her but I compared our lives alhamdulilah I have a husband who cares a lot for me even if it is not in the way I expected. Should I prevent him from doing that for her just because it upsets me? What would I say to Allah? It wasn’t enough what you gave me I had to have everything he could give… thankfully it didn’t work out as she made it very difficult but me and he both learnt a lot I think.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    I think the grey box square above the comment box is now working properly.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Ruquyyah,

    The post you wrote to Laila was for all of us about how to treat our husbands. It’s easy to expect too much and not appreciate the common good they do. We have to learn to be grateful to Allah before we can begin to show gratitude to others for what comes to us by way of them.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    Please Note:

    I just realized the “copyright protection” feature on the blog was updated and prevents copy and pasting to this site. It appears no one can copy and paste to this site from “word” either. The content must be typed in the comment box. This may take some getting used to. You certainly don’t want to type in “Word” only to not be able to copy and paste it here. It would be a huge waste of time and inconvenience. You could, of course, preview the content by clicking on the grey and white box above. Let’s see how it goes.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    @Nushka, hi there

    I’m glad you stopped in to say hello, and let us know you’re still with us. Stop in whenever you feel inspired. I’m always happy to hear from you. You have a blessed week too, God willing.

  • Nushka

    March 8, 2015

    Haven’t been here for a while lots to catch up on. Just wanted to wish you all a good upcoming week.

  • Laila

    March 8, 2015

    Dear Ruqayyah. I was at my mums home earlier and he called me on my phone. I wanted to avoid it but he kept calling. I had a pretty long chat. I told him that as much as I am to be blamed that he too needs to change his attitude towards me. We BOTH are growing older. As much as I need to respect him and all the other stuff that he requires out of me as a wife I believe he too needs to listen. We talked about the watch issue and he did get it, which to me is a miracle. So now that he understands my perspective, I am no longer upset. I think sometimes what upsets me as a wife is that he does not understand my point of view. Meaning he keeps quiet to keep the peace but he does not wear my shoes. I am not looking for him to always dance to my tune but along the way little things done carries the marriage through rough times with ease. I just am at a place where I feel I no longer have to explain myself. He should understand me. I think in polygamy men are so busy shuttling from one home to another to fully take a break, sit down and understand what is really bothering their spouse. I think also Ana has a point when I now think about it. I have been through thick and thin with this man. He should now cut me some slack and not always expect me to be answerable to everything. But I’ve forgiven him and now plan to move forward. No point in dwelling in the past. But then again, polygamy has some little hiccups along the way. But my belief is this, both partners need to work out their issues. Not just keeping quiet and hoping that the issue is resolved by itself. His way is to just keep mum and hope magically everything will fall into place. I guess that method does not sit well with me.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 8, 2015

    @Laila, I want to give you a differing perspective on the watch issue. Maybe you could look at it as though you did give him happiness through your gift just not in the way you expected. Maybe he found that the happiness of sharing his gift with someone who really seemed to like it was the happiness he wanted, even though he may have really liked the gift. Perhaps he didn’t get a chance to wear it before then as he was waiting for a special occasion, he was obviously wearing it or showing it off when the friend asked for it.
    For me, that is the way I am with things I love, I hate to keep them to myself, I understand not giving away a gift as it would hurt the other person. But for instance last year my husband worked hard 7 days a week getting up so early and working really hard to take us on a holiday. When I was there I went shopping for a few gifts for family and friends, he barely bought anything for his friends rather wanting to keep it for me and spoil me alhamdulilah he is a good man… anyways I thought later how that entire trip was my gift, he saved as much as he could so we could enjoy a holiday together, yet I was wanting to spend his hard earned cash on gifts for others. He didn’t say anything but I thought maybe I’d hurt his feelings, to me, it’s about sharing, what good is goodness if you cannot share it with those who mean the most to you? Could you look at it rather than he gave away your hard earned gift because he didn’t care, but rather look at it as though your hard work contributed to him feeling happy, you gave him a watch that he could gift to someone who meant a lot to him. It probably left him feeling really happy to make someone else happy, and he may have lied so as not to hurt your feelings or diminish the happiness he felt at giving a wanted gift to a friend.

    As for not attending dinner or not answering his calls, I really can’t understand why you would do that. I understand being mad at him but you at least have to assist him in figuring out how to make it up to yu, yes he can care for himself as he is an adult but we as wives wouldn’t like to be treated like that, why do we think we can do it to our husbands? Try not to expect him to do this or that rather accept the good he does for you without expectations, you will find yourself happier with him because you are capable of seeing the things he does for you out of the goodness of his heart and his love for you rather than seeing him fall short in your expectations of him which were too high to begin with.

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’ve just approved your comments, but haven’t read your first one yet. I just read the short one. In a book or two that I’ve read about Muslim etiquette, my understanding is we should make wudu (perform ablution) before we apply nail polish. I wear nail polish (not all the time) and I pray with nail polish on my toes and nails.

    I try to stay away from the area such as to wear makeup, nail polish, listen to Music, have pics and things such as it, as it’s very controversial and leads to debates and arguments. I wear makeup and some Muslims think a woman shouldn’t. I don’t care what they think. It’s best to shy away from those type of discussions here. Let some Muslims tell it we should walk around looking like ugly hags. I don’t go out that way…

  • Laila

    March 8, 2015

    Ana I wanted to ask you something. Is it true that if we wore nail polish we cant pray?

  • Laila

    March 8, 2015

    Dear Ana. Im typing from my phone. No I never expected him to leave my co. I personally don’t like that. Because I am very comfortable with our schedule. It is the little things that gets to me. Well believe it or not I am feeling way better today. I am not playing games. Tomorrow there’s a dinner at my mums home and I’ve decided to attend. So he told me he will eat out. I am sure he can handle himself Ana.

  • fajr lover

    March 7, 2015

    Dispite my hurt and loss the one thing gluing me together right now is my faith and the knowledge that Allah is just and he hates injustice so I’m trying to be patient in the affair see how it pans out before making a firm stay or go decision. If anyone’s being unjust Allah will expose them and deal with them…that is all that keeps me sane right now.

  • fajr lover

    March 7, 2015

    As salam aalaikom.
    Barak’Allah feeki for the comments. I’m typing on my phone so have to short to the point.
    @anabelle jazak’allah ljerin for taking g time to write your posts I found your and other helpful. You are quite astute for the small detail I gave in picking up on the fact she may have believed I will leave him when I find out ….she did indeed know this I had confided many a time to her in our friendship I would probably walk out my marriage if he married she knew full well how hard I found it. One of the reasons he married in secret was to avoid hurting me more like avoid me stopping him or putting him off because he don’t have money at all.
    @ummof . Well I hate his actions as I do her but he told me he wanted to marry again many times I was OK with it if he gets work to pay for this stupid idea of two households and a man with no money and government paying the rent is a joke to me and not what I had in mind when I married him.
    I am more hurt by her because I’d me er ever do what she did to a friend .
    Its a nightmare a bad horrible dream and I find myself struggling to stay in this marriage now.
    I am alone I have serious health problems no family no one to take care of me when he leaves me for half my life….she has lots of kids and family she just took the only valuable thing in my life . she knows I will be alone now I’m convinced the whole affair is evil I see no good at the moment his faith is going g downhill to.
    I said we can live together I love him I did love her as a friend before she acted mean . but she is one separating us all saying she don’t want come to my house or I in hers……..suited her fine though when she was alone unmarried before.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @ fajr lover, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    There is a post/thread that I will write and publish tomorrow, Insha Allah, that I would especially like you to read. A comment that you made and a reply to it inspired me. 🙂

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    I’m wondering if you feel you sacrificed a whole lot for your husband when his children were young and now you feel he is not paying you back for your sacrifice. Perhaps he is not fulfilling a promise to you. Many times married men use their children as a reason to not leave a wife or to not spend as much time with the other woman as she would like.

    Laila, could it be that now that his children are grown, you don’t see a change in your marriage and it bothers you? He still devotes as much time and attention to his other wife and to you that he had done before. You see no change. Perhaps you feel that you sacrificed your time and youth unnecessarily.

    It could be you may have imagined him leaving her entirely once the children became adults. Many times we think things will happen, although we’ve never spoken to the other person about it. You said his other wife wasn’t giving him any sex based on what he and she told you. You may have assumed he wasn’t going to accept it once the children were grown and he’d be yours only.

    I don’t know. Only you know. I could only make an educated guess based on what you’ve shared with us. As you stated, you may have to give up your expectations, and accept your marriage for what it is.

  • Marie

    March 7, 2015

    Laila, iv thought about all you said, if I recall correctly you’ve been ignoring your husband for some time. Is this really what you want to do. Your husband doesn’t seem to bothered by you rejecting his offers, in fact it seems to be bothering you more than him. One thing iv learnt is that if a woman isn’t complaining directly to her husband he has all but forgot about what is bothering her, by you rejecting his invitation for dinner and ignoring his texts he is able to avoid any confrontation which suites him just fine. He may see it as he tried to do something nice an failed, chances are he won’t bother to try again, he will carry on doing his thing (work, family ect) while you sit pissed off thinking he’s doing the same. I can almost guarantee he isn’t.

    I’m assuming you’ve spent a lot of years being understanding and attentive to him and now have done a 360 and are focusing on yourself. It all has the same outcome until you focus on Allah and stop trying to punish him for the insensitivity and hurt you think he caused you.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    You may not like what I am about to say, but I will say it anyhow. As long as you act like a mistress or a girlfriend in the marriage and play games, it’s all you will be. You carry on with your husband as though you are one of those and not a wife. You tell him not to come to your home, or to leave YOUR home. You refuse to accept his texts. You reject his dinner invitations. You get home late to make him wonder where you’ve been or where you are. I remember those days, in HIGH SCHOOL. If you want him to take you seriously as a wife, grow up and act like one. It’s not play time and you’re not in sandbox. Be a WOMAN who I know you could be and I’m sure your husband would like you to be.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @ummof4, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The last post that you wrote to “fajr lover” caused me to contemplate your question to her. The question warranted a post/thread of its own. Hence, I wrote one: https://www.polygamy411.com/she-forgives-him-but-not-her/ Alhumdulliah!

    Dear Laila,

    I didn’t magically get to where I am today. I went through major changes and it was only by the Grace and Mercy of Allah that I am at a very good place today. It’s all about journeying towards Allah. If anyone makes this world’s life their priority, they will suffer much in this world and a lot more in the Hereafter. This world is transient. People who don’t believe in a Hereafter make this world their all and all. They lose in the Hereafter. A person who believes in the Hereafter puts less emphasis on this world. They gain much in the Hereafter.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello all my dear, lovely friends

    A good weekend to you all

    @Marie,

    Excellent post! Well said Thank you much for the post. We need to stay mindful of what you said and then nothing will bothers us. Allah gives us whatever we get and He is a Just God. He gives us what we deserve for whatever reason He decides, but it’s done with Justice.

  • Laila

    March 7, 2015

    Ummof4 and Ana, I wish I was so calm and relaxed like you both. Ummof4, thank you for reminding me that you all are here for me. It is very comforting. It makes me feel like I don’t need to bottle up my issues.

  • Laila

    March 7, 2015

    Hello ladies. Actually all I ever wanted was for him to wear it once and show it to me. But the fact is, after giving it to him, it just never appeared anymore. Personally I hate lies. I hate the fact that he just sort of side tracked my questions on why he was not wearing the watch. Well, I guess I have to learn the fact that when I give something to someone, I need to accept that they might never realize how it was earned or to what people felt about it.

    Ummof4, I have no clue really. I am behaving not myself. He is coming back next week and I plan to avoid him. It is my mums birthday and so it would be a good excuse to come home late. In my mind, as long as I am not neglecting my duties as a wife, I am all good. I am not about to go overboard and all. In fact, I am also ignoring his texts. I text whenever it is urgent. I just need to remind myself constantly that loving myself comes first. I also need to lower my expectation towards him. In many ways I think I will have to be direct like what Marie said, maybe then he will understand me and I too in turn will understand his style.

    As much as I understand that he is not mine, or my personal trinket but sometimes little things really irritate me. Ummof4, congratulations on your grandson!! ♡♡♡ I bet you must be so excited and filled with joy.

    Well, do not worry guys. I must just be going through my own hormonal phase I guess. Lets see how life goes on.

  • Marie

    March 7, 2015

    seems I fell asleep before I got chance to post again, Marshallah.

    Laila, the post Ana wrote on a meaningful marriage is excellent I thought it was so good I read it to my husband.

    I think it’s important to note that when a wife asks her husband for something or vice versa and Allah allows the spouse to do it, we remember that it was Allah who gave us and not the husband or wife, likewise if what we asked didn’t happen then It was/is Allah who didn’t allow it to happen. One has to ask themselves what they are doing wrong if they never seem content with what they have or are getting. Allah says In quran “if you are grateful I will increase you” we have to be grateful for what we have and not pick at the things we don’t have. One wife may think that the husband does everything the other wife says and does nothing for her. She fails to realise that it is Allah giving her either to test her or to reward her for her obedience and greafulness.

  • ummof4

    March 7, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Fajr Lover, Welcome. I do have a question for you. Why do you hate your husband’s new wife, but don’t hate your husband? Didn’t they both go “behind your back” and get married? Neither one is more guilty than the other. Your husband may have told her that he would talk to you about it and there would be no need for her to talk to you.

    Alhamdulillah you decided to stay married if you believe it was best for you. Please don’t compare yourself to your husband’s new wife/your former friend by saying that you are more attractive,etc. It’ won’t make you a better person. Continue to strive to please Allah by doing what He commands us to do.

    Marie, good to hear from you again.

    Laila, could you be pregnant? Are you on any medication that would affect your hormones? It sounds as if your hormones are doing quite a dance. Stay strong sister and depend on Allah to get you through this. Also, you know we’re here for you.

    Everyone enjoy serving Allah in the way that he has ordered us to.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    Did you read the latest post I wrote about the meaning of marriage? I think the post should be helpful to you. When we revert to Islam we have to unlearn what we’ve learned. The way we thought of marriage before we became Muslim is not how we should think of it after we’ve become Muslim. Life isn’t about us. A husband belongs to Allah not to us. Husbands are not here to do as we say and to make us happy. He’s here to do what Allah says. Maybe your husband doesn’t dance to your beat and do the things you want him to; he doesn’t have to. He’s not yours. You are not his keeper. He’s not on this planet to make you happy. Once you understand it, you will be more content in your marriage.

    What Marie said to you about gifts is very important. I’ve given Muslims things that were very special to me and I went out of my way to obtain the items, only to find the people had given the items away. It hurt me. I had to learn that a gift is just that. Something we give to someone else. Once it’s given, it is theirs to do whatever Allah allows them to do with it. They could toss it in the trash for all we should care. Did you give the gift to seek something back from the person, be it love, praise or honor? Anything we do, we should not do for the person, but do it seeking the good pleasure of Allah. If we do anything expecting something from someone else for it, then we gain nothing. We certainly don’t receive any barakats (blessings) for it. Although it hurt you that your husband gave the very expensive watch away that you gave him, it was within his right to do so.

    There’s a chance he was catching heat from his first wife about the watch and he felt to maintain the peace with her, he’d unload it – give it to someone close to him. Allah knows best. It’s purely speculative on my part.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @fajr lover,

    Remember, when you think of her or you’re thinking of him or thinking of him and her, you are not remembering Allah. Allah says remembrance of Him is the greatest thing without a doubt. Allah didn’t say remember your husband or your husband’s other wife. He says remember Him. It’s the only way you will become content and at peace in the marriage.

    There is no need to argue and fight with your husband. What is done is done. The bottom line is Allah decided it. Whatever wrong they’ve done or any of us have done, we will account to Allah for it. A wife doesn’t need to take matters in her own hands with regard to how her husband and his other wife entered a polygamous marriage. Let Allah handle his business.

    Whatever you do, don’t become a slave to your husband in an effort to compete with her. Everything that you do for your husband, don’t do it for your husband – do it to seek the good pleasure of Allah. It’s not about your husband. It’s about Allah. With it in mind, you should be okay.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @fajr lover,

    I’m sure you were devastated to find your husband and the person whom you thought was your bestfriend had married behind your back. I understand how you feel towards her and that you have no love in your heart for her. What you’ve said about her having jealousy and enmity towards you now that the cat is out of the bag (you know they are married) makes me wonder whether she thought you’d leave him once you found out.

    It’s good you’re hanging in there with your husband and your marriage has gotten better. Although you’ve argued with him, and have endured much pain, you could still have a nice marriage with your husband.

    I’d suggest you not deal with her at all, at this time. There is nothing to say a wife must be a friend to the woman her husband marries, especially when so much is going on between you and she that isn’t good. It’s no time to run her down, chasing after her to be your friend. You’ll only make a fool of yourself. If and when the time comes for the two of you to be friends, Allah will make it happen and it will come about easily.

    You’re on the right track in that you accept your husband was within his right to marry another, although how it all came about is troubling. It’s not easy to do by any means, but you must stop focusing on her and what you think she’s done. It will bring no good. It will only eat away at you. The more you think of her, the more troubles you will have.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2015

    @fajr lover, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad you’ve found the blog and it’s been helpful to you. I’m happy you’ve already met Mari2, one of our lovely blog family members. I agree with mari2 about the “evil eye”. Whether she got him by putting the “evil eye on him and is mixed up in that sort of thing or not doesn’t really matter. There is no way you could be sure she is or not. Just make sure you safeguard yourself from any “evil eye” (malignant witch crafts or secret arts) by seeking Allah’s protection from it. Don’t fear such a thing (the “evil eye”), only fear Allah, as He tells us to.

  • Mari2

    March 6, 2015

    @ fajr lover,
    I absolutely understand your pain. However, leave the malice at the door…hard as it may be. If anything had to do with the evil eye, it wasn’t your bidding. So you must leave it where it lies. Just walk away.

  • fajr lover

    March 6, 2015

    As salam alaikom everyone I have been lurking for a few weeks reading and finding your stories interesting and your comments helpful. Jazak’allah kheiran for that.
    My story no one one knows it as I kept it to myself my private hell.
    Ahow to get over your husband and one of your best friends marrying behind your back? I feel so betrayed by both and now she is displaying jealousy and emnity towards me . seems very callous like she was always more interested in him than our friendship . now we have literally no friendship and I’ve begun to hate her guts for lying and being sly.
    I’d like to give things ago but I’m now convinced she had evil eye envy all these years and wanted him so I think she’s an evil horrible person . I would never do this to a friend u think its dispucable.
    As for my husband well I don’t hate him since this happened it bought us close together but lots of arguing and pain on myside . I don’t want to leave him and he will be distraught if I left him.
    I have no problem him marrying another as such . he has hardly any money and cannot afford to keep even me let alone another but apparently she accept this…. And she knew it will cause mW hardship.
    Funny enough I’m way more attractive and bags more personality and spirit. So I’m not threatened by her or jealous I just hate the two face sneakyness of her.
    How best to deal with this? I don’t want to keep complaining to my hubby about her everyday its driving him away but I do believe she got him by evil eye.

  • Mari2

    March 6, 2015

    Ummof4,
    No. M and I have no children. I’ve had a couple of first trimester miscarriages the past year or so. So as a woman in her 40’s I pretty much surmise that my childbearing years are over though I do have children of my first marriage. Allah just hasn’t chosen for me to continue in the child bearing realm and I accept that.

    I am a semi-secret wife. M’s mother knows of me as do the parents and older brother of cousin wife and assorted cousins here in the US. They all found out after the fact of our marriage. M had no desire to ask for permission nor inform. I was fine with that. They are there. He and I are here. The divide between the two countries and cultures is pretty wide. M does his best to straddle both, though it’s not necessarily easy for him.

  • Marie

    March 6, 2015

    Asalamu Alaykum all,

    Sorry iv been away so long, been very busy with work and family. all good on my end, no new developments.

    Ummof4, congratulations on the birth of your grandson, I will make dua for him. I cant wait to put ‘grand’ before the word ‘son’. It must be so nice. Im glad your journey was a safe one.

    Laila, I was going to say the same as Ana, that maybe you had outgrown your marriage as you married quite young. maybe you expected you life with your husband to be different as I know you gave up time and was patient while his kids were growing up. Are you taking his feeling into consideration? men are not very good at decoding women’s brains, heck sometimes I don’t even know what what’s wrong with me lol. I literally spell it out for my husband. for example, my husband is NOT romantic so when I want an evening out I tell him exactly what I want and he does i. just the other week I ask for a night in a hotel with flowers, chocolates ect, Alhamdulillah he pulled most of it off.

    I have brought my husband many gifts in the past, some iv never seen him wear. once I asked why he did wear or use something, I said if you don’t like it or have no use for it then give it away because its wasteful to just leave it sitting there. He may have already given things away but my opinion is once iv given it, itS no longer mine and the receiver can do whatever they like with it.

    umm ‘Ain. lovely to have you back with us, I liked your post and read it my husband, he agreed, that he did love me more and see what a wonderful woman Allah has given him, (he’s very sweet)

    i have a few more things to comment on, insha’ allah ill be back later.

    love to you all

  • Laila

    March 6, 2015

    Hey Ana and Ummof4. Guess what, I did not go for dinner with him. He has been away from last Sunday due to work overseas. Tomorrow he is flying out again ad he wanted to see me for dinner before he heads off to co’s home. Where do I even start….. sometimes hubbs is not good at understanding people’s feelings. He is very black and white. Somehow that part is my strength and that is how our relationship has been. He is the practical ons and I am the dreamer. Over years due to his criticism, I have sort of made myself practical. It is so much of anger. He always asks me as to why I do not buy him surprise gifts. I just don’t. Many years ago when I was young and I worked my butt off at night after classes in university I saved up to buy him a real expensive watch. A watch which by the way I never saw him wearing and he always said had placed it in his office. He puts a lot of stuff there because sometimes he changes watches and clothes etc. So when the truth finally came out about him giving it away to my sister in laws husband because he asked for it, he gave it. So yeah this is the kind of stupid, cow behaviour that comes along in our marriage. Sometimes I do question myself as to whether I have come to the end of the road of our marriage. Part of my heart says yes, and part of me says no. I do want to work on our marriage and relationship. But I am so fed up with his stupid, insensitive moves. Part of the telling off was the whole watch episode. He apologized and said his late brother in law was an important man in his life. He helped him financially many years ago when he was studying abroad. I get it, but why my watch? Ana, Ummof4…. I begin to wonder whether this home even is even mine anymore. Or whether I am destined for a different life. He does not like the idea of a divorce. He is the type that will work on the issue at hand. Even yesterday he texted me and said what good would it do to blow him off for dinner. Why do I feel like there is someone else for me? Or am I just escaping my issues? But one thing is for sure, which I will admit. I am not working on our issues. He dislikes me arguing back etc. The other day I just blew up. I told him to literally take a hike. I am not about to change my personality to fit his needs. He could divorce me if he could not take it. He just shut up.

    Ladies, I am typing out bits and pieces. If I type the whole thing it will take pages. So this is the situation at hand. Yes Ana I do miss him. No lies about that. But at the same time I am glad he is away. Twisted right?!….

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2015

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Welcome back, Sister ummo. I missed you, and was looking forward to your return. Alhumdulliah, you’ve got a new little grandson. What a nice blessing. Insha Allah, I will make duah for the little guy that he’ll get stronger and better soon.

    Those two day funk periods you’ve experienced, I get those, too, every now and again. The same as you; I recognize when they are coming on. I could be a real snappy, direct &^#( when the funk takes over. I thank Allah much, the mood doesn’t last long. When in it, it feels I won’t come out – that it’s the new me. Whew, how sweet it is, once it’s over. 🙂 It’s some crazy stuff.

  • ummof4

    March 6, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    well, I have a new grandson, Alhamdulillah. He’s still in NICU but he’s getting stronger every day. Please make du’ah for him.

    Laila, you are truly in a funk mood right now. I understand how you feel. However, I would advise you to still treat your husband nicely. Go to dinner with him, prepare a special dinner for him. And you know that deep down inside you do miss him even though you say you don’t.

    What is eating you up? Only you can decide that. It could be the whispers of Shaytan, it could be that you’re just in a funk mood. Every once in a while I get in a funk mood, but I can always feel it coming on. When I feel it I tell my husband so he will know to watch out. For a day or two I feel like I’m mad at the world and am not a pleasant person at all. I make du’ah and avoid conversations as much as possible. Then it goes away. I still don’t know why they happen, but I am glad that I know how to deal with the funk moods.

    Ummu Ain, I loved your post. And yes, husbands will often become more attentive and appreciative of their wife after they marry another. They realize what a jewel they have.

    Mari 2, I agree with the other ladies that it is probably best for you to stay out of your husband’s new marriage. However, I do feel that you will not want to remain a secret wife for long. Do you and your husband have any children? Will they be a secret to his family in Pakistan as well?

    Everyone enjoy this blessed day of Jum’uah. Let’s try to perform our acts of worship the way Allah ordered us to each and every day.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2015

    Dear Laila,

    My sincerest condolences to you and your family for your loss.

    Yes, the honeymoon phase does wear off and everyone settles into the marriage or not. When a husband remarries, the wife who married before the new wife sometimes has a renewed experience and the spark returns. Some wives move further away from their husbands when he remarries. Perhaps it would take your husband marrying another for you to feel the love again.

    Laila, do you think you may be outgrowing your marriage? Lynnette used to speak of it, as she had a similar experience with being young and married to an older gentlemen. Do you still love your husband, and want to remain in the marriage? Those are questions you need to ask yourself. We can’t repeat the past. We can hold onto the memories of the good times we’ve established, and look forward to more. We can have new experiences, but we can’t bring back feelings from yesterday.

    Instead of “telling him off”, you may want to sit down with him and communicate about how you feel and what is bothering you. Is it something you could work out with him or do you need a mediator? Allah tells us in the Quran how to resolve conflict in marriages.

    If it’s the hurt you felt as a result of something he has said or done, you will have to find a way to truly forgive him, and put it behind you, so you could move forward. As long as you don’t sincerely forgive him, it will continue to eat away at you and you will take it out on him.

    It’s nice you are enjoying your space and quiet time – your you time. I can get with it – I very much like me time.

    Did you reject his invitation to dinner to hurt him? Remember, as Ummof4 reminded you, he is your husband, and has rights the same as you do. You and he are not dating whereby you could just blow him off any ole time you get ready. It not time to play games when married. If he’s trying to make things right between you and he, it would be best for you to be receptive to him, or you and he will only grow further a part.

    Be mindful that we should always be in a state of growth. Growth brings about change. Your marriage won’t be the way it was when you first met. You’re past the honeymoon stage. You’re dealing with a mature marriage.

  • Laila

    March 6, 2015

    Sorry for my silence. My mothers brother passed away due to a heart attack. So I was taken up with the whole affair and also grieving. I believe every marriage will hit its saturation point. The honeymoon phase wears off and the responsibilities kick in, and suddenly you realize that you too as a wife have your role to play. My problem was to get that spark back again. Ruqayyah, I feel that your comments are so apt. Men can be so wrapped up in their own agendas that they sometimes loose track of how their wives would feel. In my case Ive been really telling him off. What he has done and what hurts me and I felt good. Because I no longer keep it within myself. That is my way of sort of just letting it out. We have not really spent time for the past two weeks due to his travelling and I am actually not even missing him. In fact I am enjoying my space and quietness. Hes asked me out for dinner tonight to which Ive declined. I wonder what is eating me up.

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 5, 2015

    Yes sis…the constant reminders from you and the rest of the sisters here will help me to “stay on the game” as you put it , insyaa’Allah!!

    That’s why I love this space

    Much love, my darlings!!

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2015

    Ummu “Ain, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are a breath of fresh air. You certainly sound refreshed yourself. I’m so happy to hear from you and especially to hear you sounding sooooo happy. I’m glad you and your co are doing well.

    There are many blessings for a wife in a polygamous marriage, if she gives it her all and all to seek the good pleasure of Allah. I think Allah rewards us for being selfLESS.

    Furthermore, when we turn our attention to Allah, He turns His creation to us. It appears He has turned your husbands to you. You are right; Allah placed the love in your husband’s heart for you.

    Keep up the good work in worshiping Allah and being thankful to Him. Don’t fall asleep and begin to worship your husband. We have to stay on our game and remain alert.

    Your post was so inspiring. I must say again, I am so delighted to hear from you, my dear sister

  • Ummu 'Ain

    March 4, 2015

    Assalaamu’alaikum my dear family…

    I just realised that it has been one and a half month since I last dropped by!! No wonder I’m missing all of you so much. Alhamdulillah…at last I have caught up (though not 100%) with the happenings here. Just to let you know that my hubs, co and I are doing fine…alhamdulillah.

    I just need to comment a little with regards to maidlover’s comment…

    After getting married again with someone new, my hubs actually said that he sees me in a different light and his appreciation for me grows even deeper. And yes, what sis Ana said before is also true…he showed his love and affection for me even more. I do realise that I have Allah ‘azza wa jalla to be absolutely thankful for…coz I believe it is Him that has put that much love my husband has for me now…Alhamdulillah wa tabaarakallah!!

    So for me, the feeling “refreshed” that my husband may get from his new marriage is actually a new and fresh perspective on our marriage…

  • anabellah

    March 4, 2015

    @Mari2,

    It’s good you laid the ground rules. I don’t blame you for not wanting to see any pics of his cousin/wife or any of it. A person who wants to see that stuff must be a glutton for punishment. What one doesn’t know can’t hurt the person. He has enough family members to share the pics with, if he needs to; although all the people that he may want to share them with were at the nikah.

    Furthermore, why be a sounding board for his troubles? A wife invites Satan when she listens to his problems involving the other wife. It could make the wife who listens feel good to hear of the troubles while she ACTS concerned. We shouldn’t want to feel good about someone else sorrow. So, if we don’t hear it, we don’t have to feel good or bad about it. It makes sense to me. Unless the wives and husbands are all behaving as family to one another, out of sight, out of mind is better. It’s the way I see it.

  • Mari2

    March 4, 2015

    I apologize for any double posts or cut off responses. My laptop is giving me fits.

  • Mari2

    March 4, 2015

    @Ana,
    I like what you said about others who spew things only damage their own souls. Our imam said the same thing a few Fridays ago. He said when one gets in a tit for tat with someone, rather than letting Allah be the judge/all knowing, then we invite shaitan into our midst. Letting things go may be difficult (very, in my case), but it’s okay not to respond. Let that person’s angels record and let Allah judge. HE is all knowing and only HIS opinion is really important.

    As for husbands saying seemingly insensitive things. Men do because many times they are men and just don’t understand how women think or how we can be affected by our husbands’ comments. Honestly, imo men can really be dolts at times. And where wives in polygamy are concerned, men get to experience the newness of a new marriage and women do not. Or at least not like a man does. And some men need this explained to them. And I think it perfectly reasonable as a first wife etc. to lay some ground rules about what you do and do not want to hear/see etc. regarding the next marriage. I specifically told M what I could and could not handle regarding the marriage from cousin girl. I wasn’t outrageous in my requests. Just things like I don’t want you to arrive home and show me pictures. If I wanted to be a witness, I would have gone. Make NO comparisons. They are neither fair to her nor me. Basically I asked him to think about if the shoe was on the other foot…what if I was the one getting another husband. What would he like me to say. How would he like me to act. I think he got it. Only time will tell and only Allah knows.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It was a very nice post you wrote to Laila, and is helpful to all of us. Alhumdulliah. We do tend to think our husbands are perfect and should get everything right. They aren’t and I needed the reminder that you gave us.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 3, 2015

    @Laila, I have often felt my husband is insensitive and purposefully hurting me. I’ve come to realise that it is not on purpose. Sometimes their stupidity is really just them in their minds doing what they feel is best for us, or oversharing things that hurt us is really just their idea of being close with us and sharing a part of their life with us.
    its easy to fall into the idea that our husbands need to be perfect, they don’t, they’re human as well as us. Try to let go of the past hurt and find a conductive way to deal with future hurt. In a marriage you will both do things and say things to hurt or stress one another, its normal.
    If you’ve gotten to the point of boredom then make a change, go out learn a hobby (separate or together) buy a new pet, go somewhere new on a date. Do something that will allow you both to experience a positive feeling with each other and hopefully it will help your relationship be more positive.

    I think its normal as maidlover said to think that the new wife bought in those feelings, the newly married feeling is a wonderful one. However after the honeymoon stage wears off there is always the new marriage to deal with, it doesn’t have the comfort of the old marriage. The old wife knows her husband and knows what he likes and doesn’t, they’ve been through the fights and struggles the new marriage is going to have to go through all again, he’s learnt his old wifes personality and is now faced with learning about a whole new woman. It’s a lot tougher for the men than getting that new married feeling. It’s only a month in so it’s still early days. I’m sure it helps that his 1st wife was receptive to the marriage, the whole family will benefit when everyone is accepting of each other.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2015

    Dear Laila,
    Thank you for commenting on “maidlover’s” post. I appreciate your input.
    When you speak of reaching a funk in the marriage to the point that making love is a chore, I’m sure most women have been there and done that sometime or another in their marriage. I have wondered if it’s a test for some women when it happens. If a woman pushes through the feeling and work through it, knowing that Satan is probably whispering to her that she’s too tired or not feeling it then she may overcome that feeling. We know a woman won’t feel up to love making at all times. It’s natural to have off days. I think off days are to be expected, but if it every day, she needs to assess herself and determine what is wrong. What is causing her to feel as she does? To wallow in the feeling won’t make for a good marriage.
    In your situation you said it is because of your husband’s insensitivity and the hurt it has caused you. Do you think that by ignoring him, it will help the marriage?

  • Laila

    March 2, 2015

    Hey there Ana. Just wanted to pop in before I head out to town for some errands. Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated is certainly a spectacular feeling. But marrying another just to feel that way to me is shallow. In my opinion, marriage is a serious commitment. Commitment that to me is till the end of time. I do agree with Maidlover, I too have experienced being in a funk state in my marriage. Where even making love is to me like a chore. I’m so amazed at my own change really. But nowdays I feel like he has done so many insensitive things that as much as I have forgiven him it is difficult to ignore the hurt. So, nowdays, I ignore him. Because to me, I need the space and time. I would love to feel refreshed, but how do I even get there? Don’t get me wrong, our marriage is good. But I understand Maidlovers point. At some point I think any marriage get to that stagnant point. Like me, I sometimes keep grudges. I cannot help it. But remarrying again?….. Now that is something new. Maybe he is happy that everything is working out well and running smoothly. But I do agree with you. What happens when the honeymoon stage is over? What can couples do to feel the spark and intimacy? To just accept and move on and not be upset by all the stuff said and done? It cannot be a quick fix. It has to be a serious move that is working long term.

  • anabellah

    March 2, 2015

    Ruqayyah,

    I think I’ve got it right now. Here is the link to “maidlover’s” February 2014 comment:

    https://www.polygamy411.com/february-2015-discussions/#comment-5708

  • anabellah

    March 2, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    I’m glad you asked about “maidlover’s” comment. I didn’t realize he had commented under the October 2014 discussion thread, which is now closed. I will move his comment over to the February 2015 discussion forum now. I agree with you; it is nice when the men comment.

    I was hoping he’d write more. Maybe he didn’t receive my response to him, as I had placed it under February 2015 not realizing he was in October 2014

    In his comment he said he agree men need to marry again to feel refreshed in a marriage. I can’t remember who, if anyone said a man needs to marry again to feel refresh or he interpreted what some of us said about marriages improving, as being a refreshment.

    I spoke with my wali about the statement “maidlover” made. Although my wali is not polygamous, he said he could see how when a man marries again he would feel refreshed. He said it’s like taking a shower. One feels refreshed for a while, but then needs another to keep feeling that way. He indicated remarrying is only a temporary fix unless the man remarries again sometime after. It’s the honeymoon phase that they are in.

    He said when the women relaxes and settles into the marriage, and especially once she has children, if she will have them, the marriage becomes the same as the first one. The wife has to devote time, attention and care to the children that takes away from the husband and he feels the loss for himself.

    “maidlover” talked about how good he and the new addition felt and that the first wife and kids greeted him nicely. It appears he’s in his glory right about now.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 2, 2015

    @Ana, I noticed you responded to “maidlover” but can’t find his comment. It’s always interesting to hear from men in polygamy. Could you tell me where he Commented?

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2015

    Edith,

    About her badmouthing you on Facebook, I know it’s upsetting to you. Try not to pay attention to it. She only hurting her own soul by making false accusations about you. There would be no reason for you to have a copy of her nikah. It was her and your husband’s responsibility to safeguard the nikah, if one ever existed.

    Edith, I will moves the conversation from today over to the new March 2015 forum as soon as I set it up, shortly, Insha Allah.

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2015

    @Edith, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    I’m happy to hear from you. I like that you are still here with us, and didn’t just address your issue with us and leave. I admire you for your strength and endurance.

    Although, I wouldn’t expect you to have a copy of her nikah, I would think she at least would have it. I think it would be unusual that a wife would have a copy of her co-wife’s nikah; although it probably isn’t unheard of. I doubt it would be common for a husband to keep a copy of the nikah in the other wife’s home. I’d expect that the wife would keep it, if it’s not registered.

    It’s speculation on my part, but it sounds they may have done their own thing, maybe without witnesses and a written contract and called it a marriage. If so, it could be a real problem. Were they married or not? Regardless, you can’t get around the fact that he is the father of two of her children and children don’t have to be legitimate in the common sense of the word to be recognized as children.

    Edith, thank you for staying with us and updating us. You have helped many of us going forward. I’ve learned from you. Pray to Allah that He guides you as to how to proceed. You definitely seem concerned and want to do the right thing. We’re here if you just want to talk, even if it’s not about your current situation with the inheritance matter.

  • Edith

    March 1, 2015

    Salaam

    I had a call from the imam #2 has used to help her with the affairs after hubs died. He says they can not get a copy of her nikah, if I haven’t found one among my husbands papers. I haven’t. I would not hide such a thing, and I told the imam. Now #2 is spewing all over fb that I have destroyed the contract to steal from her and her children. As for me I believe that there was no nikah. That she would have no copy, her wali not left a copy behind and the authorities in Egypt lost it, no I don’t believe it. I believe there was no proper nikah. I hope my husband is not paying for this and may Allah forgive him!