March 2017 Discussions

polygamy 411 March 2017 Discussions

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178 Comments

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2017

    polygamy 411 April 2017 Discussions This thread is now closed to new comments.

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the March 2017 discussions and give welcome to a new month.

    Please join us at: April 2017 Discussions

  • Mari2

    March 31, 2017

    But when I told my coworker that I offered to work, she kinda made me feel bad with her remark “why are you helping him when he now spends his time with somebody else?” But then I realized that my co worker who is currently 20 weeks pregnant works 2 jobs while her husband works one and happily drinks and relaxes and watches movies while she is working her evening job. Ahh…she was projecting.

  • Mari2

    March 31, 2017

    Ana,
    I am glad M is not the kind of man all over a woman in a NY minute. He,thanks to Allah, really is an extraordinarily patient man. However he can be a bit too domineered by others at times.

    Today I found myself doing something nice for him that I had not planned on but somehow was compelled by some force outside my control to do anyway. I had the day off from my regular job for some remote workday my employer is using to build morale. I found out Monday that I would have this day off. So in my head I made plans to get my feet done, read a novel, sleep in, do some laundry etc. I had no plans to even tell M I was off. But yesterday I felt the need to offer to go in and work the business so that he,his mom and 2 could go to Jummah and maybe have a meal out as usually Friday is his double shift and he rarely gets to attend Jummah anymore. M wasn’t sure I could handle the whole place by myself, but he said okay. And he, his mom and 2 were able to leave, go to Jummah, grocery shop and relax for a bit. I have to say that I was run ragged from 11 to 6, but it all worked out really well. And I was happy to do it too.

  • anabellah

    March 31, 2017

    Maryam,

    I see your point now about not telling others, especially those who don’t understand, as they won’t say much that would help you feel better, if anything. It’s good you’ll have a friend to keep you company, as well.

    I think your husband is definitely going to miss you, especially if he’s going to be away three or four weeks. I’m sure you’ll be happy to see him, as well. Don’t get too comfortable with him being away LOL. It’s easy to get use to having a lot of “me time.”

    I’m happy we’ve got the blog, too. I thank Allah much for it. It’s so nice to meet such wonderful people from all around the globe πŸ™‚

  • Maryam

    March 31, 2017

    Just had a dip LOL

    But I got the strangest thing that I had to share.
    While crying and feeling sick, so asking Allah to give me strenght to get through this, my thoughts shifted from my husband to this woman and this strange calm feeling came over me, it stopped my tears.
    Really it was such a strange experience.
    Yes I think this day will be over before I notice and also the coming three or four weeks. A friend will come over so I have different things to talk and think about.

    To now I also feel good about that I didn’t share this with anybody.
    Now it is my struggle and I don’t have people who like to put other thoughts in my head or who feel sorry for me so they will ask about me and that I will feel self-pity.

    And again: your blog Ana. I’m so happy I found your blog and so many women with me. May Allah reward you.

  • Rosa

    March 30, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum everyone,

    Mari2 and ana yall had me dying laughing when yall said the other sister is probably hanging onto him like a cheap suit πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Buuuut in her defense mari2 she is probably a little bit jealous knowing all the time yall had alone together. Started a business from the ground up and you have so much to offer etc she probably feels like the only thing she has the power to do is to put him on a pedestal and be all over him. A rude awakening awaits her if she continues on. Not saying she’s right by acting out. Not in the least

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    SMH, men are unbelievable. The difference between women and men is monumental. They can’t seem to stand up to women some times. Then there are other men who are the EXTREME opposite; they’ll pummel a woman in a New York minute πŸ™

  • Mari2

    March 30, 2017

    Ana,
    The business thing…I am invested because I know how hard he worked and saved. I want him to succeed because I know what his dreams were. But he’s just letting his mom and wife mess up everything. I warned/schooled him about clientele and his field supervisor another Pak man did as well. So did another Muslim man who owns a neighboring business. But he won’t listen. I am not trying to be seen as invaluable. And I certainly have no desire to take over his business. In fact, I would love to never have to go there.

  • Mari2

    March 30, 2017

    Yeah she is all over him like a cheap suit in a very literal sense. On the rare occasion I have been in the same room with her, she does try to hang on him. I was at at his business and he and I were discussing business matters and she kept trying to hang all over him. In front of customers too which was embarrassing and not good for business. I am doing my best to build the business with his clientele. I schmooze, I brand, I encourage repeat customers. And I do all of this to help him. I know the population and I work to turn their foreigner fears into repeat business. And what 2 hasn’t figured out yet is that she, and his mom, are the ones who benefit. His profit helps them. Last weekend he told 2 he was going to write me a check for 200 dollars for my months of help. Poof. His checkbook suddenly disappeared.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    If he gives you one liners, like “I got you”, it simply means he can’t talk or don’t want to. I get that you don’t like it. But (sigh). That’s life…

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    Sometimes we need to look at the reason we do certain things. Don’t get angry with me. But could it be that you’re helping him with his business so diligently, thinking that he will see how valuable you are and what an asset you are to him and see her as a lazy, useless liability? I’m just saying.

    Some women help out, give a lot and the men take it what she’s got or let her do what she does. At the same time, the men take what they’ve got and give it to the other women who have less.

    Maybe your husband isn’t thinking as you’d think he would think – incline to you because you’re more beneficial. If you want to carry the business and handle it, he may be like, hey, do your thing, while he’s laid with his other. I’m just saying…

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    I only mentioned about his other being new to the situation to say that she is probably all over him like a cheap suit trying to make sure that he doesn’t communicate with you. She may be doing it to the point that he can’t respond to you. You said he and his mother follow him where ever they go, which confirms my thought. I know at the beginning of being in a polygamous marriage a woman may be inclined to be all up her husband’s @$$ monitoring his every move to insure he’s not giving the other any air time (like in radio time LOL). It’s not uncommon for a wife to do that and the husband become fearful of making a call that he’d like to make, for instance.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Mari2,

    Thanks for elaborating. I understand how frustrating it is not to be able to reach a person when you need him or her. I’ve certainly dealt with that with my own businesses, and it certainly is frustrating to say the least.

    Do you think he was trying to flip the script on you, meaning talk about him not hearing from you and where were you except? – to deflect from him not responding to you? He turned it around on you.

  • Mari2

    March 30, 2017

    Ana,
    I literally could not take care of the business he asked me to because he didn’t communicate the info that I needed. He told me he would call with the info and he didn’t, so I couldn’t move on the project. And when he texted it was wanting to know where I was/was doing because he hadn’t heard from me in a while (I had to work an extended day at my own job. I had already told him that). If he had called me, per my request to him, he would have been easily able to ascertain my whereabouts and I would have be able to get the info to complete the project. But no. And my attempt to call him was rejected on his end.

    Yes,I get that she is new here and young and I don’t really know what goes on with her or his mom except that they both follow him everywhere. But when a person is willing to help you out with a project that you requested they help you with, for crying out loud, don’t ignore the person when they need some info to help you. That’s just rude.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Wow, Maryam,

    You are truly one strong, beautiful woman. You did so good and should be proud of you. Thank Allah much! It was an excellent idea to treat yourself to a beauty treatment.

    I think you will be very surprised at how easily everything goes for you tomorrow. The day just may come and go before you know it. If things go the way it does for most, you’ll find your marriage eventually becomes better than it ever had been. Your husband will probably shower loads of love on you. I see it as a reward or blessing from Allah for a woman wanting to accept Allah’s decisions and not oppose him with her desires. It could be a blessing for putting one’s selfishness aside to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

    The initial stage may be a struggle. It’ll take a lot of adjusting and you’ll have growing pains, but you’ll blossom into even a better, more beautiful Muslimah/servant of Allah and life will take on a new meaning. We women just need to do our part in putting Allah first – not the husband, but Allah.

    Whenever you want to talk, Insha Allah, we’ll be here for you. Stay strong and keep the faith. Stay mindful of Allah. πŸ™‚ {{{hugs}}}

  • Maryam

    March 30, 2017

    Ana
    No problem. I did like it the way you wrote it, sometimes it needs to be said yes.

    An update about me:
    I told my husband ‘when I ask you about something you can tell me’ because that question will keep spinning in my head and for me it is better to know the answer, it will not make it more difficult for me.
    Today he called me, he went to his city last Friday and I asked if everything went as he liked. It did. So I asked when he would go to her city, at first he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me, but I told him it’s ok to tell me. I don’t know but it is his life and he is a part of my life so I like to know about it, no details but just to know if he is okay, if things go his way and so.
    He was already there, he went last night. So tomorrow he will get married and tomorrow evening he will go back to his city, with her and her family.
    It felt bad ofcourse but I managed to keep talking with him about the daily life here.

    You know what I did after that? After I cried a bit, I dried my tears, pulled myself together and called the haidresser https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif she is from my country. She was free, so I went to color my hair, I could use a present for myself πŸ™‚ It was good because we talked about the normal daily things and, amazingly, I feel very okay.
    I thank Allah so much for making me so strong to now.

  • anabellah

    March 30, 2017

    Maryam,

    Sorry, I took you serious. I saw the lol and ha, ha, but it sounded true and made sense that we women think that way too at some time or another. So, I just wrote what came to mind about it. πŸ™‚ I’m glad you wrote it, as it inspired me to write. Men are just so different than we are.

  • Maryam

    March 30, 2017

    Ana sorry I didn’t mean it that serious, see the LOL and haha
    It did make me smile.

    Mari2 some how it doesn’t come to their mind LOL. But don’t stop texting or saying nice words to him. Him not answering doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate it. I even spice it up before he comes back https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wink.gif

    Nobody is the same, and certainly men and women not.
    Interesting reads are the books from
    John Gray, Men are from Mars and women from Venus, etc.

    For me: I don’t expect the same in return from anybody, and I also don’t stop giving or sending when I don’t get it back. I will not change because somebody is not doing like me.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2017

    Mari2,

    Remember, your husband’s other wife just got here from another country. She’s got to settle into marriage and polygamy on top of basic marriage. He’s probably trying to appease her and probably his mother as well. You need to cut him and his other some slack. You’re older than she is; have been married before; and was in a polygamous marriage for a good while before as well. She is very young, hasn’t been married before, and is now living in a foreign country. She needs to get acclimated to all of that…It’s a lot.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2017

    Maryam,

    A problem that many women have is thinking that men think the way that they do. Are you saying that your husband should send you sweet messages the way that you send them to him? Why?

    You want him to be the way that you want him to be. Well, actually, he is the way that Allah made him. If you want him to send you sweet messages, then tell him that you would like that and ask him to do it. He’s not a mind reader.

    Be aware that he may begin to do it, but it may not be in his heart. He may just do what you ask routinely. I like my husband to do what he does because he is inspired or inclined to do it, oppose to thinking he must do it because it’s what I want.

    Some men just don’t know and need to be told. They then don’t mind doing the thing(s) that the wife likes and wants. It could simply be a matter of letting a husband know what pleases her. Most husband want to do what makes their wives happy. They’ve got to know what it is, first. Just because you tell him, doesn’t mean that it will happen either. Allah’s in control.

    If you’re wait patiently on him, what are you doing it for? It sounds that you want something in return from him that you are not getting.

    Being patient should be because you want to please Allah as Allah tells us that it’s what we should be – patient. If you look for something in return from the person, then what you’ve done was for the person and it wasn’t to seek the good pleasure of Allah.

    It applies to Mari2, as well. She said she’s going to stop doing certain things pertaining to the business because she can’t get the response from her husband that she’d like. If she kept on doing it with the thought and belief that her reward is from Allah and not from her husband, it would be better for her.

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2017

    Maryam,

    I’m sorry I confused you. I don’t mean to make it seem that women need to realize that everything and all is from Allah, but men don’t need to know that or that it doesn’t apply to them. All is from Allah for men and women. If the men/husbands don’t get it (don’t know or believe it) then that is their problem. I have said in the past that I don’t deal much with talking about how wrong men are because it’s useless. We’re talking with women here trying to get us right with our lord.

    Each man is an individual, so I don’t know what they know. Some could admonish their wives about Allah as a way to shut the wives up and try to have peace. Some may not think of Allah any other time other than to use Allah to get what they want and is hypocritical. Allah tells us not to tell others to do that which we don’t do. Maybe the husband does try and admonishes his wife as he should do to protect her. I don’t know what they know and what they do. I have an idea what my husband knows and what he does based on what Allah tells us about people.

    You said men blame the women. Well, maybe they do and maybe they don’t. I only know that I speak to women about what we should know and do. It’s up to the wife to talk with her husband, if she thinks he will listen. Allah lets us know that admonishment is for the “Believers”. If a person isn’t a believer, then he or she won’t hear. It’s talking to the deaf, dumb and the blind.

    It would be wise to look at oneself and stop seeing what wrong with other people.

  • Mari2

    March 29, 2017

    Maryam,

    Yes many times it is like this. I too send sweet salams etc. Then I ask him to call me ONE TIME during 5 days 2 is with him regarding some business issue he’s asked of me to resolve. I get “I got you” and no phone call. So guess what? I don’t resolve it. Just now he sent me a text, not called me,asking “where are you hiding?” Really. I will choose not to answer. He knows precisely where I live. And he has my phone number. There is a fine line as a wife in polygamy religious wise. I can deal with that. However,I am not M’s servant/secretary so I won’t venture there.

  • Maryam

    March 29, 2017

    Ana reading your answer to Tunis.
    You know sometimes i’m confused.
    I know everything is from Allah but what very often happens is that when it concerns the men it is from Allah f.e. if they forget something or when they are not in a romantic mood, but when it concerns the women the man blames her.
    I guess it’s a ‘man thing’. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif
    Also the texting, me texting him sweet messages like i will always love you no matter what etc etc while he is the one who should send me messages like that. I’m the one who waits patient on him while he is marrying somebody else LOL Men….. you cannot live with them and you cannot live without them haha

  • anabellah

    March 29, 2017

    Sarata,

    Insha Allah, I’ll be relaxing in the tropics off the Pacific.

    I haven’t rode a horse in quite some time. I had taken lessons years ago. Sounds like you’ve got the life – riding a horse and walking the beach. I could get with that. I love the ocean. I could sit and watch it all day and night.

    I pray that you have a lovely time in Europe. πŸ™‚

  • Sarata

    March 29, 2017

    Annabellah – walaikum asalaam!
    Yeh we still get along great alhamdulillah. And yes – terrible twos is an understatement haha – she’s been in training since she got her (very loud) voice I think haha!
    She’s beautiful mashallah but hard work – alhamdulillah for separate apartments (although I can still hear her screaming from mine (she hates taking a bath lol) https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif
    And my co-wife is a star alhamdulillah she’s far more patient than me and often babysits my youngest giving me time to recharge my batteries either riding my horse or walking the beach.
    Alhamdulillah for everything!
    Where are you planning your vacation? I’m traveling to Europe in the summer for my best friend’s wedding In’shaa Allāh I can’t wait!

  • anabellah

    March 28, 2017

    Sarata, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m so happy to hear that your son recovered well from his accident. Alhumdulliah! πŸ™‚

    Yep, the time sure is escaping us. I see a lot has happened in the last three years since you’ve been here. I’m happy to hear that you have a new little one. I bet he or she is adorable. So, your co had another child, as well – in the “terrible twos” LOL. God is Great! I remember that you said you and your co get along quite well. Alhumdulliah!

    Nothing much is new with me. It’s life as usual. The hubs and I have plans to go away on vacation for our anniversary in May and I’m looking sooooooo forward to it. Other than it, I’m staying busy with businesses and the day to day. I haven’t had much time to promote my book, but in time, I will, Insha Allah.

    It’s good to have you back, Sarata https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Sarata

    March 28, 2017

    Annabellah & Flower thanks for the welcome backs lol.
    I hope you are both doing well. Yes my son recovered well from his accident alhamdulillah – seems like yesterday but it was 3 years ago!
    Since then my co-wife had a daughter who is now 2 years old and my little namesake, and I had another son who is 19months. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif
    What’s new with you guys?

  • Tunis

    March 23, 2017

    Thank you sister Ana for your insightful advice and walking with me thru all this…..it is such a support. I must turn back to Allah….I have lost sight of Him since my travels began. I see this now. I hope to get back on track and remember Allah much.

    I will stay in touch.

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2017

    Sister Tunis,

    You said you don’t want a divorce. Your husband apparently is having a difficult time doing it, as well, which is why he says he’ll give you a divorce if you want one. He wants to make you the heavy. He wants you to ask for the divorce to make it easy on him. It’s one reason I suggested to you that you don’t give him an easy out. If he wants a divorce, let him do what he needs to do to get it done. Don’t help him with it. What sense would it make to help him do something that you don’t want? Remember, just because you and he aren’t feeling each other right now or at the same time as the other, it doesn’t mean that there is no hope for it in the future. Allah may have you and him feel the love for each other later. He controls the heart. You nor your husband can make yourselves feel something, if it isn’t there.

    If you divorce him as in asking for it or take the lead, the likelihood that you’ll continue to blame yourself and think you made the wrong decision and …. blame yourself for not having a husband or for being alone or for making a mistake etc is great. If you leave the ball in his park, then you could live life knowing that he divorced you and it was his intent and Allah’s decision, if it happens.

    If you had said to me that you don’t want to be married to him any longer for sure and you wanted out, no and, or, ifs about it, I’d tell you to go ahead and file for a divorce and kiss his @$$ goodbye. I’m not getting that from you. I’m getting the opposite.

    As your son said, you need to calm down and try to take it easy. You need to focus on Allah. If you don’t, you will continue to experience excruciating pain and suffering. You shouldn’t get angry at your husband for him not feeling about you the way that you want him to. Remember Allah controls the heart. As I stated, he has no control over that the same as you have no control over not feeling him and not wanting him to touch you.

    Insha Allah, when you go to your mom’s for a visit, you’ll be able to relax and take it easy. Right now, you’re extremely stressed. Allah has got it all figured out. We plot and we plan, but Allah is the Best of Planners. He is the Master Planner.

    Big Hugs, Sis {{{hugs}}} πŸ™‚

  • anabellah

    March 22, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for checking in. I was wondering how you were coming along. I’m happy to hear you made it back to the States safely and soundly.

    It’s important that you remember that you will go through changes in that at one moment you may feel that you’re very accepting of your situation and then at other times, you’ll feel the entire opposite. I’ve heard it all too often.

    It seems that neither you nor he know where your marriage is going. I could imagine how confusing and frustrating it is for you and for him.

    It seems he wanted to take the walk and was feeling inclined towards you. Understandably, you weren’t feeling it after he had told you so many negative and hurtful things as to how he feels about you. Of course when you rejected him during the walk, it hurt him. You nor he is to be blamed for it. You just have to go through this stage of the game, and see where it takes you.

  • Tunis

    March 22, 2017

    Im leaving to my moms in a few more days….i dont know what he is thinking or planning. I do think he is wondering where im at ..in all this now….cause my personality has changed too now….i dont know what hed have to do to make me feel comfortable again.

    Maybe going to my moms and seeing my family…cause my trip overseas was so so exhausting mentally….i did not enjoy or see all my friend their or even buy gifts…i was so emotionally out of it.

    Im still looking to see where i went wrong in this relationship..cause i believe it is never one sided….it takes to to tango.
    I never dreamed it would go this way….as you said Ana…i was willing to work with him..living a polygamous marriage…and not put obstacles in his way..
    Allah knows best.

    Just needed a place to get this off my chest…..thanks to all you ladies….may Allah give us all patience and help us in seeking the best course in our lives…and stay on the path of Islam.

    Big hugs!

  • Tunis

    March 22, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum everyone

    Well after all he has said to me and about me..etc….on the trip back to states he was being chummy..friendly to me…then it went sour on plane…guess i made the wrong facial expression.!
    Anyway..im just hurt and angry when getting home…the first 3 days were rocky..my son told me to just shut up and be calm and forget trying to hope for his love back..etc. So i have been good..nice friendly..cooking cleaning coffee….light conversation…and so forth…really now i find it hard to get close to him in any way. He is always on his phone..like he is texting….i know it could just b my overthinking…but my mind goes there…who is he chatting with….it would be fine..if he had feelings for me…..now its just feels awful…..anybody understand me?
    Anyway…yesterday he ask me if i want to go for a walk ..i go..as we walk..suddenly he says…”im gonna put my hands on you”…as he reaches out for me. I back away and say .you dont need to put ur hands on me..or something to that affect. I was nervous ..did not want his touch. Am i wrong.? Then he got kinda mad..acting like oh i wont let him touch me…like its me turning him away…i say how can i after u say u hate me..no love me…cant stand me….dont want to touch me…etc….he tries to say…be quiet nicely..cause we r in the street..i really dont know what he was trying to accomplish with that move…cause i reacted nervous and afraid for sure he would twist my mind. Then he said he will give me divorce if i want. I again said i dont want a divorce..but if u do then u do it. We said no more on that subject…just walked and normal conversation. At this point i dont know how i should act…succumb to his advances….pehaps he wants to be intimate with me…..but he has never yet said sorry for anything insensitive he said or did…..still feels like he thinks he is justified in his doing so..again repeating to me its all because i got a big mouth..if i can hold my tongue? I feel like i cannot discuss this important matter alone with him….and dont think my son wants to be part of it…as witness.
    Even my son mentioned to me why his sudden mood change.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2017

    Yeah, we used to have some crazy fun times. Besides ka127, I had run ins with a number of other people back then. I have more self control now and matured a lot. It was about time lol. All of the people whom you named were awesome. Perhaps some are still hear silently reading, as you stated πŸ™‚

  • Flower

    March 20, 2017

    Nura was lovely, also Lynn,khadija z,Mrs.2, Judith, ka127 (you had a few runs in with her, lol) Good times. I spent many hours laughing and crying along with you all. When someone stopped commenting id always think the worst. I hope they all found peace in their situations. I’m sure the past bloggers still read even if they don’t comment anymore. I just couldn’t help myself when I saw Sarata comment.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2017

    Flower, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I thought her username was Sarata, but I said, no, that’s too easy LOL, so I didn’t say anything. Thank you, too, for writing. I miss many of the writers who used to write here in years gone by. One named “Nura” from Qatar I was thinking of the other day. She had married an Egyptian. She ended up divorcing when she moved to Egypt to be with her husband whose other wife was there and he wanted to keep Nura a secret in Egypt. She came back to the States. I hope she’s well.

  • Flower

    March 20, 2017

    Sarata

    I remember you, oh I’m so happy you are well, I think about the old bloggers on a regular. I hope your little one made a full recovery. I do hope you stick around your posts were so uplifting. Your username was sarata, lol.

  • anabellah

    March 20, 2017

    Sarata, Wa Alaikum As Salaam πŸ™‚

    I’m glad you came back, and I am glad to hear that this blog was helpful to you at a time when you needed it. It’s okay that you didn’t stay. Alhumdulliah that you took the time to write to us, which was very nice.

    There is no need to ask our forgiveness, dear sister. Many of the commentators have come and have gone overtime. It’s just the way it goes.

    Sarata, Insha Allah drop in any time, if you feel so inclined. It was super nice hearing from you. Again, thank you for writing to us πŸ™‚ I pray the best for you!

  • Sarata

    March 20, 2017

    Asalaamu alaikum. I joined this blog back in 2013 when I was just entering into Polygamy – but I can’t remember what my username was then lol.
    If anyone remembers me, I’m the one who’s friend became 2nd wife?
    Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say Salaam, this community was a source of support for me when I needed it and I feel a bit bad that I didn’t stick around long to contribute to the encouragement and support it provides.
    Pls forgive me, and I hope everyone is well In’shaa Allāh x

  • anabellah

    March 13, 2017

    Layali,

    I do. πŸ™‚

  • Layali

    March 13, 2017

    JazakAllah khair ana.. thats what Im hoping do u think thats a reasonable plan for now at least?

  • anabellah

    March 13, 2017

    Mari2,

    I second what Rosa said. When people do dirt to others, it comes back all over them. It’s why it’s best to just sit back and not react sometimes. They just dig a hole for themselves to fall into…

  • anabellah

    March 13, 2017

    Layali, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good his wife knows that he is looking, so she won’t be totally blindsided. I’d imagine that he will make duah for you and him while at umrah and, Insha Allah, perhaps when he returns, you’ll both have some answers.

  • Rosa

    March 12, 2017

    Your vacation spot sounds amazing. Good thing your co took your husbands SIM card out you don’t have to worry about being interrupted LOL

  • Rosa

    March 12, 2017

    Mari2
    Your co seems to be taking her very first step onto the road of learning to accept. First you start off trying to act like your husbands other doesn’t exist. Then you try doing things to get on her last nerve then finally you realise you’re hurting yourself more than your target so you give up. Don’t let her see you sweat. You’re handling it all very well. May Allah continue giving you the strength to endure this rollercoaster

  • Mari2

    March 12, 2017

    I am pretty jovial because I just put things into the hands of Allah. AND I am fortunate enough to not see 2 as competition. Each of brings something different to this polygamous equation. I am not what she is nor is she what I am. And I do not believe that Allah places either of us above the other. And I am always sure to put Allah as my Lord first and foremost.

    That said,I find some aspects of the behavior of 2 to be unacceptable. I let it go for the most part and let M deal with it. Usually her behavior does not impact me. But yesterday was a bit different.

    Usually the weekend is my time. I work with M and Saturday and Sunday and those nights he spends with me. This week I have been fighting off the last remnants of the flu and strep and have been dealing with a perimenopausal 2 week long period which has pretty much wiped me out energy wise. And on Saturday I had a bunch of car maintenance stuff I had to deal with,plus prep for incoming snow storm.

    So Friday evening I texted M and begged off working Saturday and I willing offered my 2 nights to number 2 since I knew that I would be zonked out by the time he left the business at 11pm each evening. M was fine with it. 2 however must have thought I vacated the marriage.

    On Saturday M and I were texting about tires, car repairs, warranties etc. Mundane stuff. I noticed that he stopped texting and figured business was busy. No. He called me from the business landline to tell me that 2 took the SIM from his phone to prevent us from further conversation. Seriously. She did that. As if I wasn’t his wife or something. So all I could say was thanks for the heads up.

    Around 1130 pm I got a bunch of texts from SIL on behalf of MIL asking where M was and panicking because he hadn’t answered his phone for hours. I told them 2 took the SIM and gave them the store landline number which they didn’t have. Needless to say,neither MIL or DIL were amused.

  • Mari2

    March 12, 2017

    @Ana
    I am planning a little weekend getaway with M for April. He works hard 7 days a week,and MASHALLAH I convinced him to find 2 days coverage so we can get away.I found a resort near us that has natural hot springs,so I booked us a weekend of soaking and relaxation.

  • Layali

    March 12, 2017

    Assalaam alaikum ladies. So im still probing, I have been trying to choose whats best for me. His wife does know hes looking, she isnt obviously thrilled with the prospect but shes accepting of it. All thats left really is for me to decide if its what I want. We’re not talking and Im praying istikhara every night… he goes away to umrah in 3 weeks in sha Allah I am hoping our hearts settle on what is best for us, whether that is being together or apart.. make dua for me please

  • Layali

    March 12, 2017

    May Allah make it easy for you tunis… youre in my duas.

  • Rosa

    March 12, 2017

    Sis ana. Missed you too πŸ™‚

    Tunis I don’t understand why your husband is telling you on one hand to get a divorce on paper only so the other wife can have legal papers in her home country. Then he tells you the papers are not so important Allah knows yall are married. Well if that’s the case why is he so bent on getting his other wife a marriage license. Allah knows they are married as well.
    Getting a divorce on paper but not reality has got to be illegal I guess depending on which country you’re in. Like sis ana said. Take some time to yourself and figure out what you want. If it’s a divorce, tell your husband signing those divorce papers will be the nail in the coffin. Place full trust in Allah not your husband. After the divorce is final if you go along with him, he can throw u out with the trash if he so pleases. He’s out to lunch sis. If you want to stay married to him give him a firm NO. Don’t sign those papers and tell him don’t bring it up again. He won’t know what hit him.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis,

    One other thing. You see how your husband is all over the place in his thinking. For instance, he recently said that he would disinherit his children if they didn’t act the way he want them to. He speaks of Islam, yet he didn’t consider that his children are entitled to their inheritance regardless of what is happening between them and him.

    He feels and thinks today that he will honor any agreement that he makes with you. Who knows with his track record.

    Anyhow, the bottom line is that you get it in writing. Any agreement that pertains to the future and isn’t carried out immediately is to be in writing according to what is in the Quran, especially business contracts. So, with your agreement with your husband, it could be between just you and him (you should have witnesses though – it could be yours kids) or it could go through the courts… The main thing is that it’s documented in writing.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis,

    One last thing for now. He probably is now thinking to begin the divorce proceeding in the United States because it is ultimately where he’d like to live with his new wife. He wants to make sure that everything is properly documented and there are no problems. With all that’s going on in the US right now, he may fear that if he gets a divorce in the other country the US won’t recognize it or something. He’s trying to secure his position.

    What are your daughters saying about it all?

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis,

    It’s okay for you to write. We don’t mind or I should say, I don’t mind. I’m taking a break from doing some business stuff that I don’t like doing. I needed a break. Anyhow, I better get back to it.

    You could stay married to him Islamically and not have intimate relations with him and he not see you, if you don’t mind it. It certainly doesn’t sound that he minds. There is nothing Islamically wrong with it as long as you and he agree to it on friendly terms. If you believe him and trust him and want to do it his way, then who am I or anyone else to say don’t.

    As I said before, no one can tell you what to do, as you know what you want and what you’re inspired to do. We all are different. We all gave you our thoughts about it. The rest is on you. See what Allah has decreed for you…

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis, I don’t think he is going through menopause unless he had a sex change. Even then…

    Tunis, if you want to stay in the country where you are right now and your family and friends are there, why not have him get the divorce there and go the legal route to get everything in a court order and let him go on his merry way. If you want to stay Islamically married to him, you could agree with him to do that as well. You could always get divorced from the Islamic marriage, as well, down the road, as in “later”.

    I would advise you NOT to let him divorce you legally and you not have the conditions of the divorce (you get the house and so much money etc) in a court order. Don’t do an agreement just between you and him. Make it part of a court order. If he has to end the divorce through the courts regardless, you need to get it ALL resolved there.

    I don’t know why you’re having such a difficult time with trusting the man -DON’T TRUST HIM- after all your children and you have been through and what you’re going through now.

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    I’m laughing.

    Tunis, in the other posts I erroneously put you would be a “foul” LOL I meant to say “fool” LMAO Sorry!

  • Tunis

    March 11, 2017

    Yes Serena…he does not clarify a split of time..but stated when he comes here..its when he wills..i never pointed this out due to my emotional state..but if he keeps me married islamically..it still must be fair or what we agree upon..right? Not come and go as he pleases…but i know he say like this because he have no desire for me physically..right now he say? So really..is my marraige even halal in any way? Im qyestioning this now..?

    I will stop writing no
    Jazakallah to all sisters advising me..

  • Tunis

    March 11, 2017

    He trys to show that he cares .. like why would he have me come here..spending all that money…knowing i miss it here..to see my daughter…my friends etc…then buying me a ticket to my moms…all this he say he is doing for me..for why..if he is not thinkibg of me…..same as he said when building house upstairs…that he was doing this with me in mind…when i ask..what he meant by this….he said “i dont know..it just came out like that”. But i think he meant i have always told him to build on top for rental because he did say this at one time….he give me mixed messages…i think to he is going thru menopause..life crisis…i make istakhara too…I ask of Allah…but i fear i may be acting impatient or distrusting…
    But others and even children wondered how or why i stay with a man like this all these years..but look what happenn to kids…they choose a different way from what we taught..but dont even speak to us parents? Im trying so hard to hang on and see what Allah is trying to show me…

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want, as no one can tell you that. You said you want to stay there in the country that you are in now. Well, if that is the case then you seek the divorce there through the courts there. You should have it made part of the divorce decree that you will receive the house there. But, can you afford to pay for it without him? If not, then you would have to get it put in the divorce decree that he will give you enough money to maintain yourself in the house. You said that the courts there (or whom ever handles the documents) would send the paperwork to the US documenting the divorce. Well, then you would be divorced, point blank, exclamation point, end of story. and you’d have no more claim to his properties, houses, money, SS security, pension or anything else in the US, unless you get that those things put in the divorce decree where you are at, as well.

    He then could go marry someone in the US and she would be entitled to all that a legal wife is entitled to in the US. He would no longer be married to you; therefore, you would only be entitled to what was agree upon in the country that you are in only. I suppose that you should expect to remain living in that country as there would be nothing for you to come back to the States for unless you come to visit – oh, you said your mom lives there. So, you you have family in the States.

    You said your husband is now saying that you don’t think Islamically. Wow, that’s like the kettle calling the pot black. He was all up into Marriages Licenses in two countries while it was advantageous for him. Now he wants an easy way out and wants to use Islam to get it. If he didn’t begin with Marriage License and had none, I’d say he was correct. It’s not the case though. He has them and they need to be dissolve appropriately and properly.

    I think you would be a foul to sign anything with him or for him with out an attorney drawing up the documents and witnessing you both signing them and dealing with the court. Otherwise, he could ignore what you two draft against you and you’d never will be able to get it enforced. You’d be Sh!t out of luck.

    As I stated before, if you want to sit down with him and make an agreement between you and him and see how it all turns out, that’s on you…

    Is he a US citizen?

    If he divorces you civilly, but not Islamically, you’d still be married. You could do that as well.

    If he files for the divorce in the US, you should be able to be served the papers in the country in which you are in now, as your husband knows where you are. It’s not as though you abandoned him and he has no idea where you are and you can’t be served.

  • Tunis

    March 11, 2017

    Salams

    Now he wants me to come back to this country and i can stay in this house..as he mentioned b4….coming back here shortly after from visiting my mom. If i want to, he keeps saying. if im here in this country..and he files for divorce while he is in america…how will i get served papers? Will my being here..abroad ….make it impossible for me to secure my rights? Do i tell an attorney about his intention to marry another..as in a polygamous sense…but this could get him to jail..right? I should just state…he wants divorce to also marry another along with other factors about our relationship? Am i understanding this correctly?
    I again repeated to him…i dont want to divorce…meaning im not helping facilitate this for him without some security he should provide ..comparable to a level of what a legal wife would be entitled to….like put in writing a place i can stay..and establishing a bank account i will have access to..right…but all this must be down b4 we divorce. Im am not out to steal him or get what i can….but is making me feel like this on one hand with what comes out of his mouth…he owes everything he says…all money..houses..etc…im basically at a husband mercy..saying he fears Allah and will take care of me…that that should be good enough by word of mouth.
    Now im worried where i should put myself…stay in america…or come back to this country? I have spoken to lawyer here..my situation…this house in husbands name from his father. I have no more children in home…courts will most likely order husband to pay money..based on yrs of marriage..kids i had..and our living condition..how i was..what he was like..and so forth. That is if i want to stay here….i may only end up with money….we will then be divorced..he can then register this info to america side….and will they acknowledge it….then do i still get to receive half his S.S.? OR i must be on state side to be entitled to this? He could sell american home..while im here in other country…but i guess its his right too…after all im only stated on warranty deed as joint tenant in survivorship…not joint tenant in Common. Anyone know what that really means…other than what hubby said…when he dies i get house…but i knew one day as planned and trusting him..we’d sell house…his money to do as he pleases..right..and we’d go back to other country….so basically..he is telling me..he can if i want ..to go back sooner and now live here. So do i trust him now…if he divorces me in america while im here…i still must be served paper no matter where i am..right…or is there a shifty way around this..as u said Ana….i must respond….but if he sends paperto ametican address and im here..?? Somehow i feel screwed….im having trouble undetstanding….so ad u say..i must go see an attorney in the states.

    Im so sorry to be repeating this….im trying to see my safety in where i should stay. And it seems now like he is hinting..suggesting..whatever to stay here..cause he knows this IS where i want to be..but also he mentioned needing someone to look after house….but again i feel i have no guarrantee i could remsin for life in this house..if he marries legally someone else..
    This is all making me so sick….part of me wants to go along with what he would normally do if he never had intentions of polygamy…i would have trusted him…moving where he goes. Or puts me if i like…i have always trusted him like this…that he would do the right thing…i would be a kept woman basically devoid of love and affection…in place of security…ok.but i want that security in writing…he say i think not islamic…that only this comes from whatever Allah has him do or is given to me..? There is truth to this outlook. Oh my heading and heart are numb…he say i have lost my faith…???

  • anabellah

    March 11, 2017

    Rosa,

    I was wondering where you be at. I missed you…

  • Rosa

    March 11, 2017

    Tunis

    I agree with the other ladies do not give up your marriage licenses for no one. It sounds like your husband is having some type of life crisis. Treating you like last weeks news, wanting to disown his own children, not satisfying you in the bedroom. He has some nerve. Stick to your guns. He probably thinks you’re easy to deceive and can rip a new one on you. Hang in there sis.

  • Serena

    March 11, 2017

    Salam

    Tunis

    Sister hope Allah makes things easy for you.

    Tunis you need to be alert. You have seen how your husband has changed right before your eyes with you and his daughter. Based on what you are saying he is wanting to make things secure for his other wife. She is probably one clever woman making sure she is recognised as his wife whatever it takes and that means taking away documented evidence from you.

    If I were you I would never give up my marriage documents and rights just so someone else can have them in a polygamy situation. It has nothing to do with accepting polygamy. You have probably always accepted whatever he does so he knows he can treat you like you don’t matter.

    Please don’t take offense but I would not trust a man who marries without telling me and keeps it hidden. Did he even tell you how long he was going to divide time between the two of you? He then goes planning how to make his new wife secure in the marriage at the expense of the existing wife.

    Not only that he was not honest about why he called you over. Tunis sister wake up and do something before it’s too late. Ana has given you plenty of advice please don’t ignore it.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Tunis,

    I could see if your husband said he wanted to get rid of your Marriage License(s) because he doesn’t believe in having one and doesn’t want any of his wives to have one. I could see if he said he wants all his wives to be on a level playing field and truly equal. However, it’s not what he’s talking about, based on what I get from you. He’s interested in taking yours away to give it to someone else. He wants to take away the benefits afforded to you from that document and give them to another wife. It speaks volume.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Sis Tunis,

    I know all of this is overwhelming for you. Insha Allah, you’ll be okay. Just try to stay calm. Who knows what is going through your husband’s mind. It sounds that he is not really sure what he wants to do. I think you’re right; he may be totally confused.

    One thing for sure, I wouldn’t trust him at all about anything right about now. Don’t listen to him tell you that he’s your husband and will do the right thing. He nor no one else knows what he’ll do until it happens. Only Allah knows.

    My advice to you would be to try to calm down and think rationally. Take some deep breaths and don’t stress. You’ve got to have a clear head. Try your best to be mindful of Allah and do all you can to obey Him. I pray Allah will see you through this and make it all easy for you, whatever it is.

    I understand that you’d like to stay married to your husband. Based on what you said, I thought it was what he wanted, as well. Well, things change and who knows why. There is still a chance that he’ll want to stay married to you. Allah knows best. You are no nit wit or any of the other things you said about yourself. You are simply a woman who loves her husband and thought that you could trust him.

    Anyhow, to being with, I suggest you tell your husband that you don’t want the divorce and if he does, then he’ll need to do what it takes to get one. Don’t file any paperwork, don’t research a divorce for him, don’t tell him how to do it. He wants it, then the ball is in his hand to get it done. Unless, of course, you want the divorce, then you could begin the proceedings.

    In the meantime, when you get to the States (the State in which you live) schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney. I know in the State that I live in, there are divorce attorney’s who give free consultations. He or she will tell you what your case looks like and what you stand to gain and lose in a divorce. You could do a couple of them (consultations) or more with different attorneys, if you’d like. See at least one, so you’ll have a general idea. You’ll need to tell the attorney the basics of your marriage and what properties you and he own, businesses etc. He or she will know what to ask you.

    As far as social security goes, I only know that if you haven’t worked or don’t work, you will probably be entitled to some of his SS. Don’t take your husband’s word that you will receive the homes in the event that he dies, as that only happens if you’re still legally married to him. Otherwise, he could will them to whomever he wants to. You could get part of his pension, as well, if he has one. There’s a lot that you may be entitled to. It why you need to talk with an attorney to go over it all.

    Since you’re not sure you want a divorce, let your husband move on bringing it to fruition. Wait and see what he does. In the interim try to live your life without worrying and stressing yourself out about it. Trust that Allah will take you through it, as He knows what is best for you.

    If he files for a divorce and you get served with papers, you’ll then need an attorney to answer the petition. You don’t want to ignore any papers and not act on them or you could lose by default.

    While you are in the other country, you could try to find out what you can about how divorce works there. Again, let him file. See if it’s possible for him to divorce you without your input, as well. It’s important to know that.

  • Tunis

    March 10, 2017

    Im in a nightmare….dont know how to get out or back in…i never thought it would play out like this..i was accepting and still am to polygamy…but if he has now feelings..saying right now he cant ..maybe later…what the helk does that mean…i must be some pretty sorry person..to want to remain around and wait…but u know what…im was willing to ..can u believe that….i just wanted some protection in writing…but he says trust in Allah..he (husband)will do the right thing…dont worry he keeps saying…but im not really feeling calm or reasurred by that.?????

    Ana u say go to lawyer. Get in writing..does that mean i am filing for divorce first then..or just getting my rights and proof of then secured in writing?

    Please advise . anyone…? Im coming back to US on the 15th of march.

    Thank you all sisters

  • Tunis

    March 10, 2017

    So Ana…u r suggesting i wait till he files for the divorce..then i demand my rights…is this what im understanding..is the best move.?

    Thank you Ana for ur take on this..cause im clearly struggling and nervous.

  • Tunis

    March 10, 2017

    Im going to my mothers in arizona when i get back…fir a month..my mom wants me to stay that long..and this was know way b4 all this drama. We were married there…and the thing i cant wrap my head around ..is why he would have me come here…when he could have just kept me back in USA. till he returned then send ne to my moms ..as planned….i dont think the whole divorce thing would of come up..cause why he waited half way thru my trip here to say it….or he could just divorce me in the US…and he even says..he ciuld have divorced me long ago…bull shat..now..he just got out of alimony…..i just really dont know how to plsy this out now….just wait to see if he files for divorce…if he files here in this country…i most likely will get only money.. he does not have to provide a place now..cause no more little kids about…unless he is nice…and we make a deal…because if i wait and divorce in america..i am entitled to half..i think..the house in america is stated as me as grantee..or as he told me when he dies i get house.. but he keeps repeating..if we divorce in states..he sells house..i get half….but he just found out.i will get half his S.S…this is correct right….? I know now i have been very VERY ignorant to my rights…any sister planning to get married..know them b4 …i have been a trusting naive nit wit..and for 29 years..trusted him…and depended on him…but like everyone is telling me..if he really cared and wanted to be in a polygamous relationship..he would be more proper….i think im in denial

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Tunis,

    Again, I’m speculating. We’re guessing. I’m just going on what you’ve said. If he has said to you, “but now i think that could change…he is saying..now. maybe he marries in america to someone there…” Tunis, by that statement, he has let you know that he intends to marry someone, whether it’s to get married to the woman whom he is with now (marry her in the US) or stay married to her Islamically only or marry another woman in the United States, but he is looking to possibly get married again. It sounds to me that he is prepping you. It doesn’t sound that he cares very much about your feelings either in talking about marrying other women after letting you know he wants to divorce you.

    If it were me, I’d let him file for the divorce in both countries. I wouldn’t begin divorce proceedings. He wants the divorce, let him do the work. Stop researching it. Stop helping him divorce you. Let him make the allegations against you and then you could counter them and make your allegations against him. If I were you, I would be truthful about all that has happened, including him not wanting to be intimate with you or unable to, as well.

    I don’t know anything about divorce in other countries, so you’ll need to do some research on it. An example of what may happen is a Judge in the US could grant you the home there and allow him to keep the one in the other country. You could ask for that. I don’t know if you’ve not worked and would be entitled to alimony or he’d give you a lump sum of money or pay it out periodically. I’m not an attorney, although I’ve worked with many for many years. I wouldn’t suggest you do anything without being represented by counsel/a Divorce Attorney.

    If he files for a divorce and you get served, make sure you respond immediately to any paperwork you get. It is why it’s super important that you get representation. Divorce in Islam is based on what is reasonable.

    Tell him if he wants a divorce, he should file and seek it. It would look better for you. In the States, you could have your attorney ask the court to order your husband to pay your legal fees as well.

    You were willing to work with him, live a polygamous marriage and not put obstacles in his way. He wants to dissolve the marriage, so you are within your right to get what is due to you from the marriage. Be smart… and don’t trust the man.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you. I had been thinking of you and hoping that all is going well for you with the other being here now. I’m glad you checked in and let us know that you’re well and things are good. You sound up beat and jovial.

    Yeah, I can’t believe spring is right around the corner. It’s been a very mild winter where I am. We got a little snow today, but I had been anticipating another snow storm before the winter was over. I can’t believe “Day Light Savings Time” is Sunday. My, oh, my, where does the time fly?

    I’m gearing up for another vacation coming up soon, Insha Allah. I’m looking forward to it, as I can certainly use one LOL. Anyhow, check in with us when you can and stay optimistic and cheerful πŸ™‚

  • Tunis

    March 10, 2017

    Now..do i wait till he files for divorce and then when we go…i will state my situation and what he owns..etc..or cut to the chase…and tell him fine..go file for divorce but i want my security in writing..enforceable……should i come back to the country im in right now….which he is offering i can do if i want…stay here or america….but eventually..he will sell american home..but now i think that could change…he is saying..now. maybe he marries in america to someone there…he sounds like he doesnt even know what he doing or how…but perhaps he is calculating..and confusing me..when i fall for his trust card he pulls on me…

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Tunis,

    I already suggested that you consult with an attorney about a divorce. You say you can’t afford one. Well, I suggest you borrow the money, take out a loan or do whatever you can to get the money and make sure that you get your due. Get it in writing. You want it enforceable by the courts because you certainly, unequivocally and without a doubt shouldn’t trust your husband.

    Now, on the other hand, if you want to simply make life easier for you, then go out on a limb. Divorce your husband in both countries and just wing it. See what Allah has written for you…

    I know this post is direct and it may hurt, but as MS said in post today on another thread, basically, I just don’t have time to beat around the bush. I’m inundated with things to do…

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Tunis,

    Your husband sounds to be very calculating and manipulative. Now, he wants to divorce you in the US when before he wanted to keep that marriage to you there. It could be because he knows that he would be committing a criminal offense by having a US Marriage License and one in another country. He would be subject to Prosecution in the US.

    If your husband divorces you in the United States, he could marry his other wife legally in the United States. It wouldn’t matter that he has a legal marriage to the other in the country where you are now, because it would be a marriage to the same person (her).

    Your husband may divorce you in the country that you’re visiting now, as well, so there is no record of a marriage to you any where.

    Husbands and wives take care of each other and want the best for each other because they love each other. You’re talking about a man whose love for you is questionable at best. Of course he probably cares for you, but love https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif

    It could be that he has had enough battling with you and your daughters and find a need to move on. It could be that his other wants him all to himself. We could guess what it could be, but only he can tell you what it is.

    To me, it doesn’t sound that he wants to be in a polygamous marriage that includes you. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him, if I were you.

  • anabellah

    March 10, 2017

    Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I don’t know if you’ve been listening, but I will repeat what I’ve said time and time again. Allah says that those who trust, should put their trust in Him. Allah is the only one who can make promises and keep all of His promises.

    You’re going back and forth about whether you should trust your husband when you’ve got the answer. The answer is, NO.

    Your husband wants to divorce you. He has made it as clear as day to you. You said that he can’t show affection to you, nor can he cuddle or express any love for you, besides not being able to have sexual intimacy with you. That should let you know where you stand with him. Hugs, kisses, cuddling, fondling, foreplay etc. can be done, even if a man has problems going all the way.

    Your husband apparently doesn’t want to do those things with you based on what you’ve written here. He hasn’t done them. It indicates to me that he lacks the desire to do them with you.

    You said he has stated that he is not with his other wife or is having problems with her or https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif who knows. You don’t know if what he has said is the truth. He could very well have come to an agreement with the other that she would stay away while he works on dissolving his marriage to you.

  • Tunis

    March 10, 2017

    My daughter and 2 of my friends have advised my to get my right….my haqq….if he wants me to cooperate with him in facilitating a divorce. He keeps saying dont worry I can stay in this house till I die and collect his S.S…….and yes he pulls this trust thing on me…saying things like we married by islamic law not the france or whatever law…no 50 50 in islam…..that he could sell this house or will it to someone else….so then what would I have….so why he wont will it to me or put it in sons name. Once we divorce and he should die b4 me.i get no inheritance….the new wife would…he seems annoyed or bothered by this fact that I dont trust him…i wanted to help him facilitate a divorce so yeah she could either stay in this country or the other….and if we divorce legally…put something in legal writing for me…..but he just keeps saying dont worry…then i feel all bad i dont trust in my husband….he is responsible for his women in family..so why wouldnt I trust him to do the right thing by me. Im married legally in america and registered in the counry im in now. So going to court here for divorce he still has to give me something….but now he says we can make to so simple like im dont ask or want much…but im not asking for the divorce..he is.? I know he is asking me to help..i agree to help .but want my security…then he throws at me..well i cold sell everything…why he talk like that…he doesnt even want to be with me as husband and wife….as i mentioned b4..says he cant give me that..but we can be friends and promises to take care of me..and now his daughter can move in the house with me….he will give me money…..but when i say what will ptotect me from new wife inheriting this place when u die…or u must open account for his S.S. so i have access to….but he never reassures me…just kerps saying dont worry you will be fine….we wil be still married islamically…right ? since we would divorce legally. Now he tells me its over with other one….after telling all these reasons for her papers…he seems to just want to put me where i want to be and will give me money to live off …i may see him when he comes as he likes….im like the wife Souad of the prophet…according to a hadith….she may have been insistant on her time with him..but its said she was old…so she feared divorce or he suggested that? So she gave up her turn and staying married for security. If thats true…i feel he bases how hes treating me on that…cause he use to mention that.. he says right now he cant get close to me…msybe it will change..if i change….i guess he dont like things about me…and i feel he then punishes me….attempts to make love..then cant…then i slip an act jealous like..and then he gets mad and says thats it…like everything is my fault cause its not going sweetly….and i dont know what went wrong with other…perhaps he had alot of stress….but he cant even cuddle or comfort me…im not asking for sex…so he has rejected me…is this being islamically married…or am i suppose to be like Souad..the prophets wife? Now he says..he will divorce me from the american side….and keep me registered ad msrried in this country..? Anyone have experience with knowing if i get divorced in america..will america side notify the other country where im registered in…that i lived for 15 years….or america wont….? I dont even have money for a lawyer. Im not asking for divorce…i really dont know how he thinks it works the law…or he knows and it starts to bother him cause i am learning my rights…..then tells me i should trust…i dont trust the other wife…especially when he say he dont have to even tell me he is married….im getting worried….i feel somehow wrong by not believing him when he say he will take care of me…that he is b4 Allah….but he slip and say he could sign this house to whoever even anothe wife….what am i gonna do about that.? Or how he wanted to introduce the to be wife to daughter to know her..etc….but nothing to me? I dont know if these are redflags..or im acting and reacting out of jealousy and should be trusting him.? One moment i feel resolved in my thinking i should make i get my rights…then he makes me feel im wrong in this type of thinking..bringing up that he has never lied to me or do wrong..etc.
    I is so messed up…but i just want to know what i stand to lose if we divorce in america..the house he had there…if im only a benefactor..as he said..he could sell that place…b4 we ever divorce…oh im getting more congused as i write.
    On side says do the trust thing all out..cause tjats what we have left between us and he will do me right…he fears Allah..but other side says..make u get something in writing….well i guess i will wait and see what he does…i mean he can sell american home while i live in other country..helping my daughter there…then do divorce ..crap..u see i sound like a woman after something…i want to trudt what he says he will do….but then i feel i cant..cause he keeps saying the darndess things….does he really knpw what hes saying or is he controlling..

    Sorry ladies…but im ranting my fear…do i display no trust in Allah…by my thinking?

  • Mari2

    March 10, 2017

    Salam to all. Hard to believe that spring is but 2 weeks away and NOW we may receive the first significant snowfall of the year. I am over any desire for snow,but it seems that Mother Nature may have a different scenario in mind.

    It’s been a wee bit over a month since 2 arrived. Other than husband’s very big mistake in February, things have been running rather smoothly for him and me. I enjoy helping him at his business during the days we spend with each other. His business is progressing. I feel more relaxed now that 2 is here and the “what ifs” are settled.

    I pray all is well with the sisters here.

  • Serena

    March 9, 2017

    Salam

    Layali

    People will always have opinions so don’t worry about them too much. You say they would expect you to be embarrassed and think you are crazy etc etc. Well when you tell them don’t sound like you are embarrassed or as if you have done something wrong. Just be straight up. I don’t know how close you are to your family members and if you would invite them to your nikah.

    At the end of the day it’s your life. As long as you follow what’s allowed in Islam and tell your family the same then what they say or think should not matter to you.

  • anabellah

    March 9, 2017

    Layali,

    No one wants to deal with that. Nonetheless, we have to do what we are required to do. If you marry the guy, do it with pride and ready to face the opposition and ridicule. Make it public to your near relatives and whomever else you deem should know or don’t do it at all. The problems arise when we want to do thing our way, the way we desire, devoid of guidance from Allah.

    Allah tells us not to concern ourselves with the reproaches of others. Ask yourself if you’re more concerned about what others say or think or about what Allah says. We should live to seek the good pleasure of Allah, not of people. It doesn’t matter what those whom you know expect of you. What does Allah expect of you?

  • Layali

    March 9, 2017

    Serena Im not afraid. I just dont want to deal with the questions and how theyd expect me to be embarassed about being a ‘second’ how theyd think im crazy to have done it etc etc and particularly with the not so religious members (most of them) they wouldnt understand even more

  • anabellah

    March 8, 2017

    Layali, As Salaamu Alaikum.

    What would you like to know specifically?

  • Rosa

    March 8, 2017

    Sadly marrying in any order after number one is frowned upon this day and age. Many claim to have this undying love for the Holy Prophet, the beloved of Allah but do not accept or agree with his way of life. If you truly love someone you love everything about them.

  • Layali

    March 8, 2017

    Allah knows best why they think im exempt. I dont agree with it myself. If it was good enough for the mothers of the believers who on earth are we? That is not a decision maker for me. I wanted to know how (if anyone has been) in that situation how sisters dealt/deal with it.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    I mean, I’m not even a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife…

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    I was trying to write a post/theme and encountered a technical problem over and over again, so I’ll leave it alone for the time being.

    Layali,

    I found your post to be a bit peculiar. You said it’s sad that people view polygamy as they do. You said your family wants to hide that you may enter a marriage as a second wife, as they think polygamy is only for those who need to be in one. Well, who actually qualifies as that type of person? It sounds as though they mean women who are rejects. The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives weren’t those type of women – whomever those type of women were. He was our example and his wives were the “Mothers of the Believer.” They were honorable. I’m sure there are a lot of honorable women who married 2nd, 3rd and 4th in polygamous marriages.

    If your folks stick with the stereotype, what would exclude you from that group? You’ve been married before and divorced. Furthermore, you have a serious illness. So what makes you exempt based on your folks beliefs – the mere fact that you are their kin makes you different than the one that they think are undesirables?

    Muslim women need to start standing up for what is right. Condemning women simply because they married in the order of 2nd, 3rd or 4th is entirely wrong. It seems like there is just a few here who stands up for those women who married 2nd, 3rd, and 4th and I’m not even one of them. I’m getting tired of it….

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    Marah S, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s so good to hear from you, dear Sister https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif It has been a looooong time.

    Alhumdulliah, you’ve had your beautiful baby girl and had her natural childbirth, as well. I’m sooooo happy for youhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    I know you must be extremely busy. I’m glad you had a moment to stop in to let us know that you’re still alive and kicking. Insha Allah, you’ll be able to stop in again soon. Insha Allah, give the little one a hug and kiss for me https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Marah S

    March 7, 2017

    Assalamu alaikum lovelies πŸ’•

    I’ve been MIA for too long! I had my beautiful baby girl two months ago. With the help of Allah I managed to have an all natural birth just like I wanted and made dua for. With the Baby, school, work, and marriage I hardly have time for myself, but hopefully I can make more time to read and write here, I see a lot of new names! https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Serena

    March 7, 2017

    Layali

    Marriage is not supposed to be a secret. Why fear what family will say if you are not doing anything haram? Only fear Allah.

  • Serena

    March 7, 2017

    Salam

    Layali

    I mentioned in an earlier post to you something along the lines of putting yourself in the other wife’s shoes. Does she know her husband is out there looking for another wife?

    I reiterate what Ana says. The man needs to tell his wife. Don’t do anything in secret.

    You said there is no communication at the moment and if there was it would be if you say yes. Sister you probably have hope of marrying this man otherwise you would have said straight no. You really need to get your wali to talk to him. One of the sister’s said you are probably attached to him emotionally already. I am not saying he is a bad man but your wali can ask him important questions that maybe you haven’t thought about.

    One important thing is that if he is/was looking for another wife without his first wife’s knowledge basically keeping it a secret from her then who knows what he will do behind your back.

    I hope Allah makes your final decision regarding marrying him easy.

  • Layali

    March 7, 2017

    My extended family know about possession – they want to hide me possibly entering a marriage as a second wife. Apparently, its only if you need to be in one that its a viable option. They would never say im a co-wife and want to keep it a secret. Some of my own friends would really think ive lost it… which is so far from how it should be… makes me really sad.

  • Layali

    March 7, 2017

    Oh he meant it in a way to put me off saying yes to him, to think hard about entering into it with him. He told me a lot of times to think and be sure. Hence the no contact now, because im not sure. But youre right, it is all up to Allah. And He decides, in the end whatever happens alhamdullilah.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    I agree with you, now that I know more about what you have, that you should let a potential spouse know about it. I suggest that if you’re serious about marrying the man and he is serious about marrying you with your condition, that he sit his wife down and explain it all to her. She doesn’t need to consent. At least, if she knows up front, he’ll know what he’s dealing with pertaining to her. I suggest you don’t begin the marriage as a secret, nor settle for less nights or any of that giving up time or money from him. Start the marriage off on a good foot.

    Furthermore, if she knows up front, she eventually may be willing to work with you as a family. One day she and you may become good friends. Allah knows best!

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    Layali,

    I certainly could understand how it hurts your feelings that your family wants to hide your illness from your extended family. There is no need for them to put it on blast. If a time comes when you’re in their presence and feel inspired to tell them, then tell them. If you don’t feel so inclined, then don’t. You know your family and how they’ll most likely react. If you anticipate that they will make a mockery of it or react to you negatively, then keep it to yourself.

    When it comes to coping with stigma, what can you do? You can’t change how people think. You have to go on a case by case basis as to who you let into your intimacy. There are some people who say they are understanding and accepting of certain things, but what is in their hearts doesn’t coincide with what they say. They put on a facade.

    There is no reason for you to tell someone who is not up close and personal to you. Tell only those who have a need to know. Make that information available on a need to know basis. I’m sure you could understand how your illness isn’t one that most people are aware of, so you will get some reaction that you won’t welcome. There is no need to open yourself up to ridicule for no good reason.

  • anabellah

    March 7, 2017

    Layali,

    The guy whom you are contemplating marriage to is wrong to say that if you marry him and then later divorce him, it will be more difficult for you to find a good husband. Only Allah knows the future, and Allah is the doer of what He wills. If Allah so decrees, he could have men lined up to marry you and good, believing brothers at that. It annoys me to hear men try to put fear in the heart of a woman in an effort to persuade her to marry him. It’s a form of manipulation and could be a form of oppression, as well. He’s got a lot of nerve.

  • Layali

    March 7, 2017

    May Allah grant that brother shifa and all others struggling like him, ameen.

  • Layali

    March 7, 2017

    Yeah the whole divorce thing put me off too… he said if ever I wanted one because i realise after marriage this isnt for me Id find it so much more difficult to find a good potential after that. Kind of scares me even more. And my family put me off wanting to hide the truth from my extended family saying its embarassing, culturally its not accepted which Im completely against, I know there are many friends I would struggle to tell (if ever I did) how about coping with stigma? Do you just not say? Or only tell people youre close to?

  • Layali

    March 7, 2017

    There are some scholars who do specialise in that and open up centres etc. But not the large majority. I at no stage said it wasnt a priority or that its not important. Believe me, I have been with sisters who are severe and many are friends. I wouldnt say its a bar either, when somebody is sick their sins are being removed, when someone is afflicted they are oppressed and scholars and raqis say their duas will be answered as those of the oppressed are answered if they were to die (provided they are believers of course) they die as martyrs as they tried to protect their religion. Allah knows best but there are people afflicted who are holding tighter to deen than so many people who aren’t and just choose not to. I do and can pray 5x a day standing. And we’re not communicating at all at the moment, if ever I do, it would only be to say yes I think I can do this.

  • Rosa

    March 7, 2017

    The brother had the strength of ten men or more. It was interesting to hear. But alhamdullilaah he is better now with the help of Allah and the help Allah sent through the powerful ayats of Holy Quran our Sheihk told him to listen to and various ayats of healing. He’s now in college living his life. Allah is so Kind to His creation. He warns us to not comitt shirk or transgress. There is always punishable consequences when one does and that’s where this brothers possession rooted from. But Allahbis a Forgiving and Merciful God.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    WOW, one would think there would be more attention paid to it by the “scholars” who seem to want to be important and know so much. Maybe they should spend more time on that topic, researching it and sitting around theorizing about it. I wonder if they’ve put out any edicts on it. You know what I’m saying?

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    The brother I know of, his family told me he would also recite surah baqara religiously every morning by heart. His mother took care of him. He was literally a grown man and she had to bathe him. Didn’t want to send him to a psyche ward so she literally took care of him for fourteen years. It’s a really serious. Some never recover and if they do there are still lingering artefacts. This one lady thought she was better got married had kids and her marriage exploded and she is worst than ever before that’s why I was telling layati she should focus on herself getting fully better for now. Mild or severe doesn’t matter. It should be taken serious and made a first and foremost priority

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Oh, I see, LOL. I get it. Yeah, we all have our style. It makes us who we are LOL… πŸ™‚

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    Sis it’s not necessarily what you said that made me laugh it’s more so your style of writing. It’s blunt. I enjoy reading what you write. I learn something from your every post

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Sister Rosa,

    I just reread my last post. I could see how it was funny, although I didn’t mean it to be. Thank you for elaborating on what some of the symptoms of Jinn possession are based on some people whom you know are inflicted with it. It’s quite interesting.

    I’m concerned about Laylia, as I’d hate to see her going in and out of marriages. It’s easy for a man to say he could handle something when he wants to wed a woman and has desire for her. It’s easy for men to run up out of polygamous marriages when the going gets tough, as well. The man simply divorces the other wife, goes back home and chalk it up as a bad experience.

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    Sister ana your last post has be laughing out loud

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    Layali I didn’t know there were different levels to jinn possession thanks for clearing it up. I know of a few people who were under the influence all the same level that’s why I assumed there was only one level. Talking to oneself for hours, using the bathroom on oneself, acting out, harming oneself and others, not sleeping at all for weeks but your case seems to be mild considering what I’ve heard about it. As ana suggested try sitting while offering salaat. Salaat is so important it’s your only protection.

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    Layali you said you are getting by on your own for now. Do you think you can continue getting by on your own if you do marry this guy or will you summon him for every little thing just because you can?

    I agree with ana it’s probably best to look for a single brother because it’s not fair to his existing family. It’s already breaking adab (Islamic manners) by conversing with him directly and not through a wali.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    I suppose you know that although the man you’re considering marriage to knows about your situation and is accepting of it NOW, he won’t really know how he’ll be until or unless he actually marry you. It may seem doable for him as right now his wife doesn’t know about it. He’ll have to deal with that reality once it happens. As I mentioned before, she may be a sister who seems to be nice and lives Islam, but what will happen if she’s tested with polygamy? A lot of times Allah tests us with what means most to us and maybe her marriage is that.

    A polygamous marriage may work well for you, as your husband may need a break from your situation every now and again. You seem to know you. You’ve been married before. It could very well work for you. At least you’re investigating in an effort to make your intentions.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    You may already being doing this, but if not, you should try offering your salat (prayers) in a chair. If you do it that way, Insha Allah, Allah will take it as sincerity and seriousness in you wanting to offer it. Then maybe eventually, you’ll be able to offer it as we all do. People fail to realize or just don’t know that a person can’t even offer the salat, unless Allah wills it. They can’t read the Quran, unless Allah wills it. We can’t do anything unless it’s Allah’s will. Allah tells us in the Quran that He places a bar on some people that prevents them from offering the salat. Maybe it’s a bar that is causing you pain. Allah knows best. Don’t give up and don’t despair. Persevere, be patient and pray.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    You’ve got it right, Layali. Just as with monogamous marriages, the couples are on their own. It’s not much different than with polygamous marriages, as well. The major difference is that the husband has more than one wife. It boils down to what the parties involved in the marriage to the husband decide upon. They deal with the situation and the problems that arise in the marriage between themselves. “Just” and “fair” is relative as well. There is no set structure to it. We have to follow the guidelines set forth in the Quran about marriage in general, as well as, and how to deal with people.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    That’s true. Thats a lot to take in. Kind of expands on the idea that Im getting that polygamy seems to be what you make of it. If you want to be that person who calls and upsets another household or not, or limit to emergencies. Hmm food for thought for sure

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    You said: “It doesnt happen often, alhamdullilah im without any such support at the moment and I am getting by.” If that is the case, then I’d imagine you should be able to get by on evenings that aren’t yours. You could simply do what you’ve been doing while without a husband when it come to nights that aren’t yours.

    About what wives in polygamous marriages do when one or the other has an illness or something to that effect, I imagine it depends on the wife. Some wives do what they need to do and won’t bother the husband while he’s with the other wife unless it’s an absolute, extreme emergency. Some have close family and friends who know of the situation and those persons have no problem helping the woman out if her husband isn’t there and she needs something. Some wives call the husband and messes with the other wife when ever anything happens, regardless of whether it’s big or small. I remember one wife was here saying she was upset because the baby was vomiting all over her and he didn’t come running. If he goes running every time the baby vomit, he probably wouldn’t see his other wife all that often.

    As you mentioned before, it’s a matter of how independent a wife is. It’s a matter of how considerate she is as well. If she wants peace in her marriage, she won’t get it by contributing to the upset of the other family. A husband doesn’t always leave his wife who is upset and goes off to the other family with a smile on his face and with joy. Often times, what goes on in the other household can carry onto the other.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    It doesnt happen often, alhamdullilah im without any such support at the moment and I am getting by. But yes the idea that it could upset someone is a concern. But you can use this example to any illness, what about when sisters are not well in a polygamous marriage, does anyone get a visit or time because of that? Or is it only in case of dire emergency?

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    I didn’t think it was much different than women having mood swings, “acting out”, jealousy and stuff like that, but magnified. Insomnia, negative thoughts and the like aren’t unusual, as you said. Pain during salat and acts of ibadah are out of the ordinary.

    My thoughts are that if you know you’ll need extra care, it would make more sense to intend to marry a single, unmarried man oppose to one who has a wife and probably children. There are many single, unmarried men out there in need of wives.

    I’m aware that Allah has determined who each of us will marry. I’m speaking of your intentions. You best believe that it will get a strong, negative reaction from a wife, if her husband has to run off to his other wife when she’s having an incident that can occur at any time and could happen often. It’ll turn his other family’s life upside down and inside out. It will do the same to him, as well. As Rosa said, it’s a recipe for disaster.

    The person who you have your sight on to possibly marry may think that he could handle it, because, right now, he want to handle it, because he wants you, but he too is working off desire and not reality. There is a lot of turmoil in polygamous marriages because of desires. Everyone has them and most become angry when those desires aren’t met.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    Each case is different. Yes I meant jinn. Mine is not in the typical fashion that people think when they think of this as someone commented being ‘taken over’. Mine alhamdullilah doesnt ever fully ‘take over’ I am always myself. This has been through ruqyah and my case specifically. Each person has a different level of severity so it’s always unique. The usual thing people think of is someone speaking in tongues, oblivious to surroundings etc etc. Which does happen to some people but not all. Also even to those it does happen to, it can weaken through ruqyah etc.

    Its not actually that different to women having mood swings etc. or ‘acting out’ indeed, some women behave that way without being possessed at all. They try to make you angry faster, interpret everything negatively, cause you physical pain. They also devote time for you to always sin. Mine personally, has to do with imaan, pains when I pray salah, pains during ibadah, weak immune system, more negative thoughts anxiety etc. its a mental thing. Which all believers struggle with, its just amplified to a greater difficulty level.

    With his wife im worried about upsetting her when/if I ever need time during a time im physically unwell because of it or not sleeping well or something and he tries to accomodate my needs in that way. And Im worried about my jealousy being amplified such that Id be the one causing the fights or always angry/upset with him or her and thats really not what I want. What would be the point in marrying him if ive always had bad thoughts in my head and we never have actual quality time because of it? Thats My worst nightmare scenario.

    Im worried about it just being too much for him to bear two households and one of them is afflicted. He would never abandon me at a time of need or her for that matter either, I know. And he was completely aware and accepting of the situation but I feel like it would be a big burden.

    The mans case sounds suspicious for all women to have that makes me wonder if someone deliberately did that. Allah knows best but yes its too odd for all of them to have been afflicted.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    In your previous post, you said possession is not what you’re concerned about. Did you mean material things or possession as in you being afflicted by the Jinn? I would imagine that being possessed by the jinn would be an enormous problem, especially in a polygamous marriage in which another or more wives and children are involved.

    Would you elaborate on what happens with you when the Jinn takes over? Is it different than a woman simply having mood swings and acting crazy sometimes? It’s all new to me. As I stated, there were other ladies who have come to the blog and said they were possessed by the jinn. One lady said her husband had married three or more women who were possessed and he divorce them all, one after another. I’m like, how did the man hook up with all women who were Jinn afflicted? Was he a magnet to them? I know you don’t know the answer about him. It just made me wonder.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    I know for a fact that it becomes easier, but only if the wife turns completely to Allah, learns what is in the Quran and lives it. When a woman makes her husband her priority and, in essence, begins to worship him, by catering to his needs and wants, and wants him to love her more than anyone or anything, and she loves him more than anyone or anything, she will be in severe pain and agony. Allah created us to worship Him. A wife has to get her desires in check and know that Allah controls all and everything. Otherwise, she will be agonized in the marriage and find no peace, if she doesn’t get herself right with Allah.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    Oh yes we talked about it and i would live close enough for him to see me briefly daily. In sha Allah. But Im still figuring whether I could even, eventually handle the reality that I am sharing him. As you said once your feelings grow it would be very difficult. Does it eventually become easier?

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    Whether you see him everyday so that he checks on you is something you’ll need to work out with him. For many of the ladies, it doesn’t work that way. More so, the men see the wives on their nights only. Remember, many of the men work days. Their days are theirs to do as they please. Many don’t do it the way the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did – It’s said that he saw all his wives everyday. According to what I’ve read, most of them lived in close proximity to one another.

    It’s important that you don’t think yourself so independent in that you require nothing from him in the beginning stages of the marriage because it could back fire on you. Some women let their husbands know they want very little from them such as only a need for company and sex. Once the women settles into the marriage and begin to love their husbands, they may begin to feel envious that their husbands care for all their other wives’ needs and the ones who wanted next to nothing are on their own in that regard. The ones that require next to nothing begin to feel like a “side dish”.

    It’s best to have him contribute to the household from jump street. The woman may say she wants no help, but then later changes her mind. It’s messes with the husband, his other wife and her children when she changes her tune later. I suggest you do it the right way right from the beginning.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    Jazakallah khair you sisters are so helpful mashaAllah. This is what I wanted to know, yes. I am quite emotional by nature so that was what worried me. I am independent in that I work full time already pay my own bills, can maintain a house and even when I was married I think its healthy to have your own friends, meet sisters, have separate hobbies etc. I just dont know if 3 days of that would be bearable. If I live close I could see him for a little while in the day for him to come and see how I am daily but that would be it at most. I also dont have children so its not like id be busy with them.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    I think Rosa called it right. Most women in polygamous marriages aren’t strong in it right out the gate. They go through stages, beginning with baby steps. Some progress. Some don’t. Some stay stuck. Some misjudge themselves, thinking they’ve got themselves in check at the onset, only to quickly learn that they don’t.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    I reread your previous post. You said you think it depends on the woman, and her personality. I agree with you about it, when it comes to the husband not being there daily. It’s the emotional aspect, her emotional makeup that’s more problematic.

  • anabellah

    March 6, 2017

    Layali,

    I don’t think that what you’ve asked is an easy question to answer. It depends on the woman, her personality and her lifestyle.

    It depends on whether she has children or not. Whether she is accustomed to being out in the workforce, among people. Does her husband live in the same country that she does? Some of the women have husbands who live in different countries and they only see the husband every six months or so or twice a year, for instance.

    It depends on whether the husband did anything when he was in the home to begin with other than to simply be there. For instance, the husband may not have had much to do with rearing of the children, anyhow. The woman did it all herself, although the husband was there. Maybe she was already used to her husband being away for business.

    Bottom line is the woman has to “woman up.” The most difficult thing for the woman in a polygamous marriage is to accept the fact that her husband is with another woman whom he loves and is having sex with, enjoying life with and having children by. That is the most difficult part for a woman in a polygamous marriage. She may begin the marriage thinking that she can deal with it, but when she begins to love her husband, she’s not going to want to share him with another woman that way.

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    Jazakallah khair for your advice. My concern is more regarding the nature of polygamy than my possession. For example, we need to be independent in any marriage yes, but do you sisters find/feel you have to be even MORE so because of them spending nights/days away from you?

  • Rosa

    March 6, 2017

    Layali welcome

    As with any marriage monogamous or polygamous, one has to GROW. It’s inevitable. All the ladies here who are now very strong independent women I’m sure we all started from the bottom and worked our way up to this point. I can tell you right now men don’t like needy women. They might get their ego boosted in the beginning having their wives fight over him like fresh meat but it gets old real fast. In both mono and poly marriages men need their space and they are entitled to it. Marriage period is hard work doesn’t matter which type. We will be tested point blank. That’s why we are on this earth

    I’m with the other ladies your first priority should be getting better. I heard when you are under jinn possession obviously you’re not “you” the entity within you has full control. Someone can get hurt. I think adding marriage
    To that is a recipe for disaster

  • Layali

    March 6, 2017

    JazakAllah khair for the comments. That’s true it would affect me regardless of what type of marriage. what about your personality and how it ties into polygamy?
    Ive read so many experiences. It seems the women are so strong mashaAllah in deen and theyre quite independent or sometimes they like the ‘breather’in between when husband is away as they get to focus on other things. Others really hurt when their husbands going and its not their night.. i can imagine crying lol. I feel this is something that just depends on the individual woman? What her personality is like how she thinks and interprets the situation etc?

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Sis Rosa,

    That is really funny. I haven’t watched either of those shows; I just hear from time to time people saying for instance, “Oh, she’s got MS” or “He’s got MS” or so and so has it… And then commentator MS come here and I’m like, oh, LOL I’m not laughing at the disease at all, as I’m sure most people know. I just find it weird about the association.

  • Rosa

    March 5, 2017

    Ana omG I always think the same exact thing when i see MS name, I think of multiple sclerosis I’m sure it has to do with my love for the TV shows Grey’s anatomy and ER

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    MS https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif Wa Alaikum As Salaam. It’s good to hear from you.

    It’s funny; EVERY TIME I see your name MS, I think of Multiple Sclerosis https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yes.gif

  • MS

    March 5, 2017

    @Tunis

    I’d recommend you keep trying to reconcile your husband and daughter.

    Allah tells us in chapter 49, verse 9 “If two groups of the believers fight, you [believers] should try to reconcile them…”. And in chapter 4, verse 114 Allah says that if we help people reconcile: “to anyone who does these things, seeking to please Allah, We shall give a rich reward…”

    I know you’re finding it exhausting being the middle man but see it as an opportunity to obey Allah and become more beloved to Him.

    In practical terms I’d suggest starting with dua first (and do so constantly) asking Allah to reconcile the two, for only He controls their hearts. Make the intention to only do this to earn Allah’s love. Make an effort, then when you can do no more leave it to Allah.

    Your efforts might include:

    1) telling your daughter “your father told me that he misses you and wants to mend things” (which is true! He has asked you to intervene to solve things).

    2) telling your husband “our daughter misses you, wants to move on from this, and is struggling without the care, shelter and kindness you used to provide. She needs you”.

    I don’t know, something along those lines?

    If i’m not mistaken this is also a situation (trying to reconcile believers) when lying is not a sin.

    Insha’allah it goes well!https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

  • MS

    March 5, 2017

    @ana wa’ alaikum salam https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    @Tunis

    I pray that Allah grants you ease and a way out of your difficulties soon insha’allah. I pray that He’ll bless you with a husband and daughters who are the coolness of your eyes. Ameen.

    I agree with what Ana said, especially about trusting only Allah.

    To Trust is to have a FIRM belief in the reliability, truth and ability of someone or something.

    Surely only Allah fits the bill? He’s the ONLY being who we can completely rely on, who never breaks His promises, who is always truthful, and who has the ability to do anything He wants. No human could ever live up to those standards and deserve trust.

    I wanted to mention that having a house in your name and a marriage certificate will not necessarily provide security. All safety and security comes from Allah, ‘The Protector’. No one (and no document) has that power but Him.

    So constantly make dua (supplications) for those things, try and get those legal protections (aka. tie your camel. Put in the effort), and then when there’s nothing else you can do leave it be and trust that Allah, the All Wise, will only allow what’s best for you.

    That way even if you don’t get a house or get to keep your marriage certificate, you’ll have peace in your heart that Allah is in control and is working in your favour.

    So don’t stress yourself over it. Don’t let it cause depression.

    Even if you do lose your marriage certificate and don’t get a house in your name, you still have rights Tunis!

    So long as you remain married in the eyes of Allah, you’ll continue to have the right to be clothed, fed and housed by your husband. No one should kick you out of your home. And even if, by Allah’s permission, they did, Allah would make sure you’re compensated on the day of judgement for not getting your right. He is the Just.

  • Serena

    March 5, 2017

    Layali

    Welcome to the the blog sister.

    Put yourself in the place of a wife whose husband is busy talking/meeting another woman who he may or may not marry. When she finds out how do you think she is going to feel? If you do it the right way by getting a wali involved then you know you haven’t done anything wrong.

    Ana said most of what I wanted to say to you. Just want to add that when a man wants to communicate with a female without approaching her wali then that tells you something about that man.

    I think deep down you know if you want to be in a polygamous relationship or not. You said yourself you would want your husband to spend lots of time with you. I hope you know a man with more than one wife will have another wife who is entitled to her share of his time.

    Keep at the ruqyah because it is a means to cure jinn possession. Then there is also hijama (cupping). Make sure you read the Quran and salah five times. Keep asking Allah to cure you.

  • Serena

    March 5, 2017

    Salam

    Nargis

    Like the other sisters have said stay with us inshaAllah. Even though you are still struggling what you share and the advice you get may help someone else who maybe is a silent reader. Also it can help you too as writing here saying how you feel at least you won’t be bottling in stuff.

    Tunis

    I hope Allah makes it easy for you and your children. Talk your daughter into apologising to her dad. Tell her to do it because we have to show kindness to our parents and in hope that Allah will forgive her. Your daughter needs her parents support.

    I think your daughter is having to deal with alot. Her divorce housing problems her father and the whole second marriage issue and realising all is not right between her parents.

    Don’t let your husband walk all over you. Ana and Ummof4 advised you about the divorce and inheritance and I can’t really add to that.

    Tunis sister look after yourself. It seems your husband is too much into doing what his other wife wants. It’s like he is protecting his marriage to the second at the expense of your marriage. He telling you to trust him but has he given you reason to trust him. Was he even honest about why he called you over? Trust no one but Allah. Be alert to what’s going on.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Layali,

    Whether it’s a polygamous marriage or a monogamous one, as you stated, you’ll still need, to deal with the situation (the Jinn affliction). You said you know about tests. If Allah places you in a polygamous marriage or a monogamous one, then you know your illness will have a bearing on it and you’ll have to deal with it.

    Keep in mind that Allah determines who our spouses will be. Don’t dwell on whether the marriage needs to be monogamous or polygamous. Insha Allah, He’ll give you a good believing husband regardless of what form of marriage it is.

  • MS

    March 5, 2017

    @Nargis

    You said you wanted our opinions on whether you’re mistreating your co wife.

    I don’t think we can answer that as we don’t know the reality of how you two behave with each other.

    What I’d suggest is learning as much as you can about the manners and behaviours that Allah expects of the believers. Go to the Quran for that information and also study what His beloved Messenger’s behaviour was like. Compare your behaviour to what is asked of us.

    If there are any shortcomings repent to Allah, for He is the Most Forgiving, and put in the effort to start behaving in the right way with the intention of pleasing Allah alone and earning His Love.

    Wishing you all the best!

    I’m praying that Allah helps you overcome your emotional turmoil and makes the Quran the light of your heart. Ameen.

  • Layali

    March 5, 2017

    Ameen. JazakAllah khair for the duas. I prayed istikhara many times throughout and never felt settled so perhaps that is the issue resolved there.

  • Layali

    March 5, 2017

    JazakAllah khair for your replies and support. I have had shuyookh and raqis recite on me for years. Alhamdullilah it was confirmed and I received ruqyah as well as practice ruqyah oh myself many times. I would tell a prospective husband because I dont believe it is right to withold something such as a sickness from someone you may marry. The same way if someone had a physical chronic illness etc. I had no doubt about my possession, nor do I attribute every little thing to evil eye etc. As some people do. I ask Allah to remove this from me everyday and have learnt a lot about ruqyah nor did I say in my comment that I believe it will always be with me. I pray everyday for it to be removed… alhamdullilah we are all tested in our own ways. My concern was that whilst I am, then polygamy may well be more difficult for me. I am not trying to sound ‘crazy’ nor to put off prospective husbands, I would rather they know me and the truth of my life.

  • MS

    March 5, 2017

    @Nargis wa ‘alaikum salam

    You’re definitely going in the right direction by seeking relief in prayer, mash’Allah https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    However, on it’s own it won’t be enough, as you’ve discovered.

    The next step is to really immerse yourself in studying Allah’s Word, the Quran.

    Spend as much time as you can learning about Allah and what he instructs us to do with our lives and what he tells us to avoid. Then put in the effort to obey those commands.

    Study as much as you can. Focus your mind more on Allah and less on your husband and co wife. Allah promises us “Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest” chapter 13, verse 28.

    Spend time reflecting on Allah’s beautiful names.

    You want love? Well Allah owns it. Allah is ‘The Loving One’. It’s a UNIQUE attribute of His that no other being has. Turn to Him if you want to be loved.

    You want your worries to be understood? You want people (like your husband and co wife) to care about your suffering?

    Well Allah is ‘The All-Compassionate’, meaning He alone has concern for the suffering of others. Allah is ‘The Reliever’; He alone has the power to soothe pain. Allah is ‘The Subduer’, meaning He alone has the power to quieten or bring under control a person or feeling.

    You want peace and joy in your life? Well Allah is ‘The Source of Peace’. Turn to Him for it. Only He owns it and can provide peace.

    Allah is ‘The Satisfier of All Needs’.

    Also, the more you focus on Allah, the less time and energy you’ll have to focus on your husband and co. You’ll naturally become less needy insha’allah.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    MS, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Seems we were on the same page about Layali and her Jinn issue πŸ™‚

  • MS

    March 5, 2017

    @Layali Wa alaikum salam warahmatullah https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Insha’allah praying istikhara and asking for Allah’s guidance on whether you two should marry may help.

    Also, you may want to focus on the jinn issue first and getting your imaan back on track? That sounds much more urgent. Have you tried ruqyah?

    May Allah cure you of the jinn possession and grant you ease. Ameen.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Layali,

    To avoid getting emotionally attached to someone prematurely, my advice to you is not to go looking for a husband on your own. You don’t want to get hurt as you just did with the last guy.

    What’s for you would never pass you and what passes you was never for you. It didn’t work out for you and the last guy, and it was meant to be that way. Learn from the errors that you’ve made and get a fresh start.

    About you being afflicted by the jinn, I’ve heard that all so often from women who have visited this site. How in the heck do the women know that? Is it just because someone told them so? Does believing it makes it so???

    I’m baffled by the whole concept. I know that it’s possible because witchcraft, voodoo, special arts, evil jinns and all of that exists. It’s a reality. I also know that Allah protects people from it. There are ayat (verses) in the Quran that speaks about it. Ask Allah to remove it, if it’s in you. Don’t feed off of the belief that you’re afflicted by it and will be so for the remainder of your life. Don’t hold onto that belief.

    Furthermore, don’t go about telling people that you’ve got the evil eye placed on you and such as it sounds CRAZY. Seek refuge in Allah. Implore His help. Believe that He will heal you and don’t hold on to that debilitating way of thinking that you’ve got some evil jinn all over you. Put that to rest. If you want a husband, you won’t get one talking about such stuff. What man wants to be married to some one whose been worked over by some evil spirits? Be rational. If, you’ve got it on you, then take the time to get it off.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Layali, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Welcome. It’s nice that you have joined us. Insha Allah, we’ll be of help to you.

    First things first. Do you have a wali? You really need to have one to speak to a prospective husband on your behalf. A wali won’t get emotionally involved with the prospect the way that you may. The wali should be able to ask the appropriate questions and negotiate on your behalf. It’s no good to get a wali involved after you’ve made up your mind that you like the guy, as you won’t listen to anything a wali says to the contrary about him. You know what it’s like not wanting someone to tell you what to do when you determined what you want to do. As ummof4 has said to others in the past, we have guidelines to follow and they’re in place for a reason.

    One thing you said that caught my attention is that the wife of this guy whom you’re interested in once considered being a second wife; therefore she should be receptive to you being one to her husband. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. She may have considered marrying someone else husband, as she thought it would benefit her. It was about her. I doubt she’d take kindly to you marrying her husband as she probably won’t see it as a benefit to her. She may seem like a good righteous woman, but polygamy has a tendency to bring out the dark side of a woman. It makes her realize things about herself that she never new before. It reveals itself to her.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Nargis, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    We’d really like you to stay here with us and continue to write and chat with us. It’s okay. You’re not the first one whose tried to pull the wool over our eyes and pretend to be multiple people. You probably won’t be the last LOL. It’s no biggy. You didn’t commit the crime of the century. It’s all good. Don’t sweat the small stuff. We had an idea why you we’re doing it. Serena called it right about your intentions. It was becoming suspect when the stories were all so similar. Anyhow, that was then. This is now. You crack me up when you said that you’re no psycho. LMAO

    In recollecting what you said as “Lonely”, I still think she is putting undue pressure on you, as is your husband. They have no right whatsoever to tell you how long it should take for you to heal and that it’s been too long. It will take as long as Allah determined. Your husband should make his intention to help by being understanding, patient and compassionate, if, in fact, he wants to help you.

    His other wife needs to concern herself about her marriage with her husband and not think that you all are a family, when you are not. Nothing says that you must befriend her. If you don’t want to be her friend, then don’t. Do things with Allah in mind, seeking His good pleasure, not the pleasure of your husband. Allah is God. Your husband isn’t.

    So, you’re jealous. That’s nothing new. Probably all women who finds out that their husbands married other women are jealous. It’s something you’ll need to contend with. It’s a battle with yourself that you’ll need to undertake. You’ll have to come to terms with it. When you become jealous, seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed. Your husband’s other wife is probably jealous as well.

    She doesn’t sound like the type of woman I’d want to be bothered with. She sounds to be manipulative and controlling. It’s sickening that she’s putting herself on you. I’ve learned so much over the eight years that this blog has been in existence. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the errors of my ways. We live it and we learn it….

    About you calling his office at work and hadn’t done it before he married her, well, things change. He wasn’t married to her before, which gave you no reason to be suspicious and call. You have a reason to call now. For every action, there is a reaction. A husband’s workplace should be fair game unless he ask you not to call due to work related reasons. I don’t call my husband at work unless it’s extremely important that I do. I simply have no reason to call him. I can talk with him when he comes home.

    I can’t think of what else you said. What I know of your husband’s other, I don’t like her. I’m glad I don’t have to πŸ™‚

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    I suggest you go to an attorney and speak with him or her about a divorce. Find out what your options are and how you can secure your interest in all the properties. Then you’ll have an idea how to proceed. I don’t know how you as a legal wife don’t have property in both your and his names. Even if it isn’t in your name, in the United States, at least in the State that I live in, all property is considered “Marital Property” of the husband and the wife. They both own it even if it’s only in one of their names.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Tunis,

    You said your daughters health is suffering and she is struggling. I suppose she is. Why wouldn’t she? She’s not doing as Allah says. Does she even know or care what Allah says. She doesn’t like Allah’s decisions. She is following her desires and she is angry because her desires aren’t being met.

    You asked if Allah is punishing you. Allah knows best. Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse. Only Allah knows. We do know that for those who don’t heed His warnings and do as He says, He punishes them, and His punishment is severe.

    I don’t know if you should have stood up to your husband about anything or not. Allah says that when an oppressive wrong has been done to us, we should not be cowed, but should defend ourselves. Nothing that you’ve said to us on this blog since you’ve been here has given me any indication that you’ve been oppressed. In fact, it sounds that you’ve lived a good, decent life – that is, up until your husband married another, which you and your children don’t like.

    I’d suggest that you remind your husband that Allah spells out to us in the Quran how inheritance is to be distributed by us. So, for him to say that he will disinherit some of his children is going against what Allah says. Let him know there is nothing in the Quran that allows for him to disinherit his Muslim children for any reason.

  • anabellah

    March 5, 2017

    Tunis, Hello πŸ™‚

    WOW, you’ve got a lot going on in your life with your family. Sigh. I don’t know where to begin to input. I’ll go through your post and address each issue in the order that you presented them.

    So you said your husband was testing you. Who knows if he was or not, other than Allah. I don’t like when I feel that someone is deliberately testing me. It was cold of your husband to say that he now knows she is the better one. Apparently, He doesn’t know that the better one in anything is the one who is the most righteous. The most righteous one is not based on which of his wives is the most obedient one to him. It’s not about who sucks up to him the most.

    As far as your daughter is concerned and her problems with her dad, the best you could tell her is to forgive him and keep it moving. Allah tells us that even when we are angry, we should forgive. Either she believes it and does it or not. Her holding onto the past about all that she thought he did wrong to her will only continue to weigh her down and make her miserable. Furthermore, she needs to butt out of her dad and his other wife’s business. It’s not her concern. Doesn’t she have enough to deal with in her own personal life with her husband and children? She needs to mind her own business.

    With regard to your and his sexual problem, as I recommended before, go to the doctor(s) and find out what the problem is and what a possible remedy is. You don’t need your husband to go with you to do that. If it’s a matter of you both needing counseling together, deal with that down the road. He may not be receptive to that, as men don’t like to admit when they have a problem.

    So, he wants to divorce you in that country so that he could marry the other one legally and remained married to you in the US. Well, where I live in the US, that would be a criminal offense “Bigamy” – (having two legally documented marriages) that could be prosecuted by the courts. He better check out the laws on that before he takes that action.

    I know myself; therefore, I wouldn’t tell any other woman to give up her Marriage License in ANY country to allow another woman to have it. If my marriage license is at stake, my intention would be to allow the divorce and he would no longer be a part of my life in any shape or form. That woman knew you were married to him legally in both countries before she agreed to marry him. Maybe he did promise to divorce you so that she could be legal in that country. I suggest that if he insists on going through with the divorce, that you let him do all of the work regarding it. Get yourself an attorney and get all that is due to you. Furthermore, be honest with the courts about your marital situation. You’d be a fool to ask your friend how she did it and what steps to take in the court. Would you really go out of your way to help your husband screw you (I mean it figuratively not literally)? Be smart.

    I don’t get when Muslims come to the blog talking the “Trust” stuff. For instance, they say, I don’t trust him. I can’t trust him anymore. He doesn’t trust me, and so forth and so on. We aren’t supposed to Trust anyone other than Allah. Allah says those who trust put their trust in Him. So forget about trust. There is none.

  • Layali

    March 5, 2017

    Assalaam alaikum wa rahmatullah sisters, I pray someone can grant me some advice in sha allah. Im so stuck and in pain. Im a divorced 26 year old sister. Ive been divorced over a year coming onto two. I had been looking to get married and had offers and interest from single, never married, divorced with/without kids etc. And alhamdullilah for whatever reason things wouldnt work out. I started to consider what I felt about polgygamy and started to talk to a brother, i didnt have high hopes at all (sometimes i would realise i wasnt compatible with someone within one conversation or just a week of communication). Little did I expect that id speak to him and feel such a deep connection. We ended up communicating for months. His wife is practicing and sounds like a good sister alhamdullilah and she herself was going to be a second wife (the first marriage was pretty abusive and the first wife had opted out after a lot of threatening behaviour etc) so i know his wife would come around to me being a second eventually as she herself was once going to be a second, if that makes sense.

    However by nature I am very sensitive and emotional, i dont have children and I want to have a lot of time with my husband when I do get married. He said he was concerned that although he loves this nature of mine that i would be mentally affected by a second marriage. After thinking about this (including the amount of cultural stigma my family is against it too) we decided painfully not to proceed and cut contact. Im so hurt and heartbroken but I was also afraid of saying yes and then finding that indeed once married it was too difficult for me. A huge point i have to mention is i am afflicted by jinn possession (please make dua for me) which makes daily life and battle To stick to my imaan hard as it is so I was even more afraid that there was a lot that shaitaan can use against me in a polygamous marriage (waswasa, jealousy, anger etc.) I accept polygamy in Islam and feel there is a great wisdom in it. I just dont know if for me it would be best because of these things. He goes on umrah soon and although we are not speaking I hope he prays for guidance that not going ahead was correct for us. I just feel hurt as we got on really well and he is so kind and considerate and I have rarely met a man like that. May Allah forgive me I just pray that we made the right choice. If anyone has any positive or useful advice for me please let me know πŸ™ https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • ummof4

    March 5, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,
    Tunis, I pray that Allah improves your condition and allows your husband to be nicer to you. Personally I would not divorce him so he can legally marry his other wife in the country they are in. They should have thought about that before they got married, no matter what he promised her mother. If you got married in that country, that is your legal marriage. If another country accepted your marriage, they have no proof that you are legally married, especially if they check and find out you are legally divorced in the country you were legally married in.
    If you husband insists that he will divorce you, you have to decide what to do, I can’t advise you on that matter. However, if he does go through with it, please have some property in your name, in one of the countries he owns homes in.
    As far as your children, I don’t know that a father owes his sons a place to live once they are grown. However, a daughter is the responsibility of the men in her family if she is single, divorced or widowed. Her father, brothers, uncles, etc. have to take care or help her take care of herself and her children.
    According to the Qur’aan your husband cannot disown any of his children unless they become non-Muslim. The inheritance laws are in the Qur’aan.

    Everyone please use the Qur’aan and the Sunnah as your guide to life. We cannot follow the ways of the disbelievers, whatever faith they say they follow.

  • ummof4

    March 5, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Nargis, please do not stop posting. I understand what you did based on what you wrote, even though it wasn’t nice to attempt to deceive us. But please stay, you are part of the family now. Remember to keep strong and demand your rights as a Muslim, a wife and a mother.
    Again, your husband’s other wife has no right to demand that your children spend time with her. And you do not have to go to social events with her and your husband if you are not comfortable with the situation. Shukran for coming clean. Now you know you are dealing with some smart cookies here.

  • Nargis

    March 5, 2017

    Salam all,
    Yes Lonely was me. Maybe I was.not thinking straight. But I received an email from her and it pretty much States all the problems mentioned that was written as Lonely. The only thing I left out was ..she asked me to put myself in her shoes and asked me how I would have reacted if she was to treat me with so much hatred and whether she deserved my behaviour towards her.

    Also, I am not a psycho. I wanted to post as her because I am unable to put myself in her shoes as I know myself and I know that I would not do so many of the things she claims to have done in innocence.
    But mainly I wanted a new clear view of the problem as I didn’t want advice connected to my problems. I wanted to see if I was wrong in treating her the way she says I do.. And unwanted outsider. I wanted no advice connected to me and my issues.

    In fact I was thinking maybe you dear ladies would actually point out that maybe lonely S co wife should treat her better and I wanted to see how I could try and look beyond. That maybe I was unable to see past my issues and see her views.
    My husband has told me umpteen times that I am selfish and that I should place myself in her position and would I ever try as hard as she does.
    And then she directly brings it up to me in an email and accuses me of being needy and jealous and petty etc..
    . I was an emotional wreck.
    Obviously I realised that you all might see the similarities and would have anyway come clean soon enough that it was me but hopefully before some advice to Lonely comes through.
    I have never read bad or belittling advice given to any of the co wives no matter which order they married so it’s not even like I was expecting Lonely to be cursed or praised. I gues I thought I would get a different perspective.

    Anyways I wanted to just state that it was not done with any malicious intent and I was just trying to see all sides of the issue without similarities being pointed out . I guess I was stupid.
    Thank you all for the advice and patience. I probably won’t post anymore as I realise I have a long long long way to go before I am in my proper senses to even think in a rational manner about my situation.

    I feel ashamed to say that praying also only helps me to a certain extent and then bam I am back to being crazy emotional.
    Also, she did ask me why I wasn’t over ‘IT’ yet and how will I take to stop acting so irrational.
    So methinks it will be a long long time judging by what some of you ladies have mentioned or maybe I am just weak. But I do know that one day I will get stronger INSHALLAH.

    Till then..

    Khudahafiz.

  • Rosa

    March 5, 2017

    Sister Tunis you have got to take it easy on yourself. You’re going to make yourself sick trying to solve your problems and all those around you.
    No matter what your children need to respect their parents as he raised them when they were young. He put a roof over their heads and might not have been the best father but probably did his best. Allah had given parents such a high respectable status in Islam. It’s a very difficult task and children owe their all to their parents. So your kids need to swallow their pride, let go of the past and forgive him. Maybe your husband is doing them a favour by trying to get them on their feet. Kicking them to the curve may not be the best way to go about it but they have to learn to stand on their own two feet one day

  • Tunis

    March 5, 2017

    All i asked for finally in all these years of marriage was that security in writing…to garantee she cannot kick me out. He keeps saying dont worry..he is not stupid…no one controls him…but yet he is thicking about what she wants…so to keep her…but me shut up and accept what i say or your gonna screw it up for yourself….what is he meaning by this….??? He will divorce me if i dont play his cards his way….im am confused and very depressed.

  • Tunis

    March 5, 2017

    My daughter is suffering…struggling….her health is failing..and my husband seems to care less….does he have to help her according to islam..b4 Allah…..we had our last fight and things came out i have held inside of me. My kids tell me he is a controlling person…my close friend has told me the same….all my married life was like this….but i was the obedient wife…my daughters have stopped talking to him and hating him…and avoiding me. The daughter here…i must visit..i m worried….just last night..i came over..she is upset..hates her father for what he is doing..and not helping her or seeing her predicament. But sends me as messenger…he tells me she should say sorry…she tells me he should say sorry…..i tell her you must talk to him…and i tell him he must talk to her….this has got to stop its not my problem….he married another not me…..he should have been sensitive to his daughter…or i to am in pain i did not stand up to husband about how we expect our daughter to except this….r we crazy as parents…or i was trying so hard to please my husband.?? Is Allah punishing me for not standing up to injustice? Or my daughter is wrong in her thinking? I honestly wanted to believe ad my husband shared the idea of helping her by way of another wife..if she excepted

    Well..i came to daughters house….she ranted about her living conditioned…electric may go off…she paid the propietor…he says he paid electric…company says nothing was paid…250 $ she must pay or owner of apartment or lights go out….she then blurts out she hates her father..etc etc…i tell her just go apologize..tell him whst he wants….he will soften his wing to you…well she went into a seizure…she has bern having fainting spells ..her father knows she is not well…he came over cause i called him….i have no one else to call..and after all its his daughter….he has even said he is going to disinherit his 2 daughters who r not speaking to him….he ask me about his son or other daughter who left home…WITHOUt his permission….he denies anyhing they have said he says…he says they all lie…i always took his side..always made excuses for him..to his kids…as they see it. Now i m afraid…what may hapoen to me….i have a son in his house in that states….husband says he will sell house..give 2 more yrs..then put house up for sale…give his son another yr..he dont get on his feet..tough..to bad..

  • Tunis

    March 5, 2017

    Hello all..i think i have become ‘confused and depressed’..i feel because i ‘reacted’ the wrong way to what i saw in the house, meaning signs that the other wife was there…which i knew…according to my husband i screwed up again….because i had alittle trouble trying to keep those curious or jealous thoughts from popping up…..i am then to be threatened or punished or insulted…because i let him down…he thinking i was above all that…..and to be told now he knows she is the better one…? He tells me he was testing me? …Then next day he comes to hold me ..kiss my neck…to make peace..that was all..btw. then He wants me to get close to daughter who made scandal for him regarding 2nd wife….that if she apologizes…maybe he will soften his heart towards he…..but this is not my problem..is it? Daughter is also coming at me the same way….baba needs to apologize for kicking her out of house…that to put his desire for another wife before the needs of his child… that he or WE as parents where not sensitive…that how could we honestly expect her to stay in the house she grew up in…to then have a strange woman..care for her kids and help her..daughter feared this woman is up to no good.
    I have mentioned b4 the sex problem…he shows no interest in helping me solve it..like going to doctor..etc..as he says its me..not her..ok so that hurts right? Like he could care less..again when i approach him to discuss where i stand in this relationship….bcoz i do get mixed messages….he wants me around for what…to cook and clean and organize..chat…but intimacy he cannot give me…if i am not happy i m free to go…yes he is stressing from contruction….from 2nd wife problem he is having…..which it finally came out becoz i am not feeling good about something in my gut…i i cannot ignore it sometimes….maybe this is Allahs way of having me see the truth….but i want to trust him..but red flags r popping up….he says all we have is trust between us….that if i dont trust him anymore…it is over. So then he tells me he will have to divorce me here in this country bcoz he registeted us here. That the other wants to be legal here…that he promised her mother….that how can she go to Umrah…..i never went? So i began to feel sick in my stomach…and it hasnt gone away..he has said that if he can divorce me here but keep marriage in america….so he asks me to ask how my friend did this..what are the steps when we go to court.etc….as she divorced here..but kept her other country marraige….so i obliged….i asked…now before i ask my friend…i was worried for my security and asked hubby to put this house in sons name so i cannot be kicked out…he mentioned in the states he would do this…now he got mad at me…then blurted out even she wants a house in her name. I never asked for anything from this man..even from the beginning. But i know here in this country a married woman has rights…i will have none if i divorce him…..and he is not reassuring me but making me feel like im out to take him..OR i dont trust him…that thats what he thought i did..is trust him..and know i show doubt? Bcoz he is saying strange things…..she wants security…and he is willing to divorce me to give her security..so when i ask…im insulted? So i found out the steps for divorce here….told him that we must state what i will get..why we divorce..etc….he did not like that..and tells me he can do it alonr without me…..i was also told..it could be illegal if he trys to divorce behind my back….but there r ways when people turn their eyes
    So i have calmed down and shutting my mouth. I am torn between the trust we once had…wanting to trust him…but if he trust me….as he says he does…why dont he reassure his wife of 29 yrs…he even questions this ones trust…he was told becareful who u marry….they marry for papers..what they can get. And i was only also thinking of him…when i suggest he put in writing this house for my proection he got really upset. And that i see this proof in writing…am i wro g to want to know this? Is this not my haqq in islam?

  • anabellah

    March 4, 2017

    Tasliyman,

    You are correct that many out there think I condone the behaviour of husbands whose wives allege they don’t treat them well in polygamous marriages. I’ve tried to explain my position, but I’m sure there are many who just don’t get it. Maybe what you have said using less words sums it up. You said: “They end up thinking Ana condones the bad behaviour of a husband because she doesn’t focus on that and don’t constantly condemn the husband but instead gives advice on what the wife can do to improve her circumstances.”

    Why dwell on what men do wrong when we can’t do anything about it. We can only do something about ourselves. Polygamy is here to stay.

    Muslims need to see the problems that arise in polygamous marriages as “marital problems” and not a problem with polygamy as a form of marriage. No one is out there saying “marriage” in general is bad when people have problems in it. Therefore, there is no need for it to be said about polygamy. Couples will have their problems in any type of marriage. In polygamy there are just more marriages that the man is involved in. As long as Muslims see polygamy as a bad thing, it’s hurtful to all who wants to grasp it as the good form of marriage that it is. People have problems in marriage whether it’s monogamous or polygamous, which is important for all to understand.

    The major problem that I see in polygamous marriages, and I’m sure it’s the same in monogamous ones, is that a spouse tries to control the other spouse. They don’t understand that no one has control of anyone or anything. Only Allah controls. He controls ALL and EVERYTHING in the Heavens and the earth and all between.

  • anabellah

    March 4, 2017

    Tasliyman, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I hear you and know exactly what you mean when you say you wish you could help the women who are in the early stages of adjusting to polygamy and are having a difficult time with it. Those are my sentiments as well.

    We can tell the ladies what they need to do, but they have to do it. However, they must do it in their own time, and sometimes it takes years. No one can tell them how long it will take, as Allah does it. He takes them through it.

    Men have no idea what the women go through because they aren’t women. They can only speak about polygamy in theory.
    Ironically, they are the ones who put most of the material out on the internet about Islamic polygamy.

    What makes it more difficult is that women who have been through it and have arrived at a good place in it whereby they are content and have joy, can’t readily recall all the difficulties they went through. Although I have never given birth, going through the beginning stages of polygamy, I liken to it. I base it on what I’ve heard over the years. It is that a woman doesn’t remember the pain that she had when giving birth. If she did, she wouldn’t revisit it again. IDK.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif To me, the pain that one has in the beginning stages of polygamy is forgotten, not in trying to forget it, but it naturally goes away. Trying to recall the pain is difficult, not blocked, but simply gone.

  • Tasliyman

    March 4, 2017

    Thank you Ana & Rosa

    We all know that getting accustomed to life with a husband who is polygamous takes time. I just wish I knew how to help people who’s not at the stage yet where they can see, accept and implement what I’ve said in my previous post.

    It’s not an easy thing to do especially if you are not ready to let go of the negative cycle (eg hurt, depression and feeling sorry for yourself) that you are in.

    We often see ladies coming here who don’t get the type of support that they are looking for. They end up thinking Ana condones the bad behaviour of a husband because she doesn’t focus on that and don’t constantly condemn the husband but instead gives advice on what the wife can do to improve her circumstances.

    I always think back of the state I was in before I came across this blog and I really feel for people who seem to be stuck in that cycle as I know it all too well.

    The irony with Nargis is that if the other wife should actually post on the blog her comments would in all probability be quite different to what Nargis thinks it would be. Shaytaan has a way of making us believe certain things that is very far from the truth in most cases.

    I still implement the advice Ummof4 once gave and that is to say – I seek refuge in Allah from Shaytaan, the accursed. It works wonders to instantly wipe away negative thoughts. As a born muslim who learnt this duah at a very young age I am amazed at the fact that I have only now truly learnt how effective it actually is.

  • anabellah

    March 4, 2017

    I just reread Tasliyman’s post. It definitely is profound and thought provoking. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif When a wife puts what she said into effect, there is no way she can’t have peace, contentment and joy in her life.

  • Rosa

    March 4, 2017

    Thank you tasliyman for the profound thought provoking reminder.

    I think Nargis wanted to know how we’d react if someone portrayed just like her co wife wrote here perhaps digging for crumbs on how to deal with her exactly I don’t know. Desperate times. I hope they put Allah first and foremost and as a result get to a good place soon. She’s in a lot of pain. May Allah give us all the strength to conquer by keeping tasliymans post in mind at all times.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    Hear, hear! Tasliyman, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. I hear you loud and clear and am taking heed πŸ™‚ Well said !

  • Tasliyman

    March 3, 2017

    Aslm

    To me it’s a matter of awareness. Once you are able to see that Allah is in charge of your life and that every big and little thing that happens to you comes from Allah, you are able to focus less on the people that Allah is using to test you with and more on Allah, how you react to situations and becoming a better Muslim. Each of us will have to account to Allah for our actions.

    Once you truly accept that even your husband is put on this earth by Allah and he is also tested by Allah with the different things going on in his life you will let go of the notion that it is his duty to make you happy. If a husband is neglecting his duties towards a wife and not treating her kindly he will be held accountable by Allah. This applies to men who have one wife or more than wife. Even if it seems like he’s getting away with it because nobody is reprimanding him for his actions he will still be accountable to Allah.

    I see many commentators getting upset because they feel the husband is allowed to treat them badly and gets away with it while the wife must just accept it. There’s no getting away with something as Allah is All-knowing. The same applies to the additional wife. If she is really doing all the inconsiderate things you are suspecting, she too will be held accountable by Allah.

    Someone who doesn’t have this awareness will focus on other people and trying to control their actions in order to be happy instead of working on yourself to find happiness again. People’s actions will definitely affect you but with the help of Allah you will be able to react differently and get to a stage where it no longer affects you negatively or so badly that all the progress you’ve made come crashing down.

    Don’t make your happiness someone else’s responsibility. Work on yourself to achieve happiness. I believe that happiness is a choice. Life is going to happen. How you react to it is up to you.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    Rosa,

    I thought too for a moment that “Lonely” was Nargis’ co-wife. I don’t think it would be farfetched that co-wives would end up here. It’s bound to happen. It’s about the only place where people can come and talk about being in polygamous marriages, without getting hit with a lot of negativity about it, about Muslims and Islam or men bashing going on.

    You made a good point that she doesn’t really know how the other wife is feeling and thinking. In the case of “Confused and Depressed”, it sounds that the co-wife is putting a lot of pressure on the husband and he, in turn, is turning against “Confused and Depressed” as a result of it. She would know that her husband said not to call the office and upset the co.

    Whichever person she wants to be, she has to learn to be strong and stand up against him and her, unless she want them to take control of her life. She seems to want to do all she can to win the love of her husband back. If she loses consciousness of Allah, it’s all over for her.

    I agree with Serena that “Confused and Depressed” needs to get other people involved to mediate between she and her husband, as Allah tells us to do in the Quran. Her husband sounds to be very controlling and manipulative as does the co. The two of them are definitely made for each other.

  • Rosa

    March 3, 2017

    I kneeeew something was fishy. I had to call that one out because I truly thought lonely was nargis co wife. The story matches perfectly. I didn’t want them both pouring their hearts out then come to realise who is who. That would have been chaotic. Nargis I hope you get the help you need soon. Coming to this blog and wasting your time and ours portraying yourself as several different people helps no one. Focus on getting yourself right. You don’t know if that’s how your conwife feels or if that’s even her story. She can well be as high as a kite happy to be spending so much time with your husband and know that you’re suffering at her expense. Don’t drive yourself crazy

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    There is a technological way for me to know when a person is coming to the blog as different people when they are one and the same. I use it whenever I become suspicious that it’s the case.

    It was Serena who said that she thinks the person was coming to the blog, portraying herself as different people, in order to see what advice we would give each.

    I almost fell for it. The one called “Lonely” pissed me off (excuse my French). Then I said, before I write let me check into it.

  • ummof4

    March 3, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,
    Ana, I was thinking the same as the other sisters- that Lonely sounded like the flip side of Nargis and Confused and Depressed. I believe as you, that she was just trying to see if different advice would be given if she portrayed herself as the 2nd chronological wife instead of the first. Alhamdulillah, the advice given is consistent. You ladies rock! I pray that she decides who she wants to be and stick to one personality.

    Lonely, Nargis and Confused and Depressed, again, give yourself time and concern yourself with you own relationship with Allah and your own marriage.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    The problem with learning Islam online is that there is so much information out there written by people of all different SECTS with varying beliefs. A newbie to Islam could get lost in it. How are they to know what to believe and how to differentiate between truth an falsehood?

    I’ll tell anyone who wants to know about Islam to read the Quran and let Allah give her or him understanding, if it’s meant for them to hear. Allah says He teaches. He gives us understanding. Particularly, He communicates with us through inspiration and via the Quran.

    One can’t go wrong if he or she approaches the Quran with sincerity, with wanting to learn it and to live it. Allah, in the Quran, tells us how to read it, when the best time to read it is, and everything we need to know is in it.

    If he wants us to receive guidance from others, he places us in their presence. Of course, we are to seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed before we read the Quran. Those who Allah doesn’t want to have understanding of it, He places a veil between them and the Quran so they won’t understand it. He says that in the Quran, as well. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_mail.gif

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    Serena, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It appears to me that a lot of what we say here to some people goes in their one ear and right out the other. Many people don’t want to hear about Allah when it comes to what they need to do to be content with her life. They want a quick easy worldly fix to resolve the problem. However, there isn’t any magical portion that one can take to make things instantly better. We’re so used to having things done quickly now a day and no one is prepared to persevere, be patient and pray.

    We’re dealing a lot with people who say they are Muslim, but live the same as anyone else on the planet, just trying to get their desires fulfilled. They probably don’t do anything much of what we as Muslim/believer are required to do, and then they don’t want to hear the “religious stuff.” They’ve spent years neglecting their soul and not nourishing it. Yet, when they fall ill as a result of it, they want an overnight healing.

    We can tell people what they need to do until we’re blue in the face, but if Allah, for His reason, don’t let them hear and take heed, there is nothing more that we can do.

  • Serena

    March 3, 2017

    Nargis, confused and depressed and/or lonely (whichever one you want to call yourself)

    You kept wanting to know how long the the pain will last. You never got an answer saying the exact time it will take for you to get used to the idea of your husband having another wife. It was said again and again that it different for each individual. Some take years some take months etc.

    Sister you need to take the steps that will allow you to move forward. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. What’s done is done you can’t change that. There are many Islamic websites that tell you how to deal with sadness and depression. They all have so many things in common with the advice they give. One of them being read the Quran and understand its meaning and apply. Another bit of advice they give is that Allah can change your situation He is in control so ask Him.

  • Serena

    March 3, 2017

    Salam

    Ana I was going to write that all three of them had the same writing style and I had a feeling it was the same person who just wanted to see if different advice would be given.

    I clearly remember saying to confused and depressed your situation sounds like nargis situation so to read the advice given to nargis.

    I feel sorry for her in a way because I don’t think she has really taken any of the advice given. How many times was she told to get a third person involved?

    I hope Allah eases the sufferings that she is going through but she must turn to Allah and ask for His help and do as Allah asks us to do.

  • anabellah

    March 3, 2017

    @lonely, Confused and Depressed, and Nargis,

    No one has time to spend writing to one person who takes on multiple personalities. I know that although you portray yourself as one person you all are one and the same. I kindly ask that you use one persona and stick with it, if you want to continue to write here and get advice.

    @Everyone,

    Please stick to one personality when you write and not take on multiple personalities unless you are truly schizophrenic. Thank you

  • Tasliyman

    March 3, 2017

    Wow, whats the chances of such a coincidence occuring? Lonely, your story matches the story of one of the other commentators nearly word-for-word.

  • ummof4

    March 3, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
    Lonely, I am glad that you are Muslim-welcome to Islam. I pray that you are studying the religion in some good classes at the masjid or online. Remember to read the translation of the Qur’aan on a daily basis. That will help you tremendously.

    Right now you are very concerned about your mariage as you should be, but also be concerned about what it means to be a righteous Muslim. You say you and your husband met at the gym and fell in love after a few months, so you got married because he didn’t want to sin. You agreed to marry a married man. Did you think it would be a smooth ride? It’s not, not for anyone concerned.

    It is not possible to put a time limit on how long it may take a wife to adjust to the fact that her husband has another wife. Some people take a month, some a year, some five years; you can’t put a number on it. So you and your husband think 6 months is enough, and she needs to get over it. That ain’t gonna happen.
    Plus, you kept your marriage a secret for 6 months, so I can understand her (and maybe others) viewing you as a “side chick”. You entered a marriage in secret, whereas in Islam marriage has to be made public right away to avoid suspicion and to avoid the wife being seen as a “side chick.”

    You say that you want to be involved in every aspect of your husband’s life, including his children. Well, that is not your right in Islam. You married a man, not his wife and children. Women are often more protective of their children than men. Do you have any children? It is interesting that you want to be involved in every aspect of his life with his other wife and their children, yet you complain about his wife bothering him at work and wanting to know what is going on in the business. So you can do it, but she can’t? Something to think about.

    You have to exercise patience. In the whole scheme of things, 6 months is not a long time. Everyone involved needs time to adjust. If you agreed to spending less time with your husband in the beginning of the marriage, it may take time for him to adjust his schedule. You may have to wait a while to work out a new schedule with new times for communication.

    If you become friendly with your husband’s other wife, fine. If you never become friends fine. Each of you have a duty to work on and keep your own marriage healthy and productive; you don’t have any business worrying about your husband’s other marriage. One last word – please inform your husband that you do not want to hear him complain about his other wife to you. It only increases bad feelings.

    May Allah bless you to learn your Islam and concentrate more on your relationship with Allah. If you do that, everything else will fall into place because Allah promises the believers success.

  • Rosa

    March 3, 2017

    Lonely I’m glad you are here to shed light on what it’s like to marry in secret and the feelings you have and test and trials you undergo as a second wife.
    I’m sorry but six months is not a long time to give someone to forgive their husband for marrying behind their back and sneaking around for two years. It’s a lot to digest. You have to put your feet in her shoes for a change. How would you feel if you were married for how ever amount of years and your husband up and goes and gets married and lies for two years then he be day suddenly comes clean and spends every second almost with the person he was sneaking around with and you shoving wanting to spend time with her kids down her throat. That betrayal takes years to come to terms with. You have to show more compassion and give time, TIME

  • Rosa

    March 3, 2017

    Welcone lonely

    OMG your situation sounds like you are Nargis co wife. Not sure if I’m allowed to say that but this can go all the way left

  • lonely

    March 3, 2017

    Also, she is very jealous of the fact that I work along with him now..
    She keeps calling at work to ask what is happening. I am trying to keep patient but I can also see my husband losing patience with her.
    How to deal with her? We have been extremely patient with her.
    But she does not seem to appreciate that.
    I would love to be around for his kids birthdays etc but I have stayed away so far. But now my husband wants me around and tells me to come whenever I want to. As I am his family too!
    She seems jealous I work with him amd expanding the business with him.
    They did start the business together long back but she had taken a back seat for the last 10 years and has shown no interest in the business esp after kids and as long as the money was coming in she didnt bother or question him about it.
    But now she keeps questioning him about him and bugging him. Since I am around him at work I do hear the conversations . What are you upto? What new projects, deals etc..
    Should I reach out to her again?
    Last 3 times didnt go well as she seemed to want me gone..

  • lonely

    March 2, 2017

    Hello and Salam to all
    I am new to this blog.
    I have a unique situation and would love some advice from you wonderful ladies.
    So I met my husband 2 years back. I knew he was married and he didnt lie to me or try and hide the fact. He is Muslim and I agreed to learn the religion and convert. I am now Muslim and I find Islam the true religion.
    We met at the gym.
    So long story short. We fell in love.
    He didnt want to sin and so we got married. He knew his wife wouldnt agree to it so we kept it a secret for around a year or so.
    When we got married we didnt think about the practicalities. Just that we fell in love and wanted to be together. I know his wife and she is a very lovely woman. He made it clear that he would not leave his wife and I would never ask him to leave her. In fact I would love to be a part of the family.
    He came clean around 6 months back.

    Anyway..she didnt tak the news well and we both agreed to give her time to absorb it and be OK with it.

    But she was not able to adjust. And I find myself in a situation where I fond myself losing respect. I am still known as the other woman and I get no respect.

    She doesnt want to let go of him and insists that he come home to her more days.

    I have joined him in his business now but and we work everyday.

    I had agreed to giving up most of my days and was thinking more of 5 days with her and then 2 days with me he can spend the bulk of his days with her and the kids but now I want him to split his time equally. He wants to as well I think.
    I miss him every night. I know I had agreed to a lot of terms I didnt understand or think about first.
    But I want equal rights now.

    But am I entitled to change my mind?
    He wants to be fair too as he hates to see me suffering.. but she is holding onto the old terms agreed on.

    I am trying to give her space but she seems to be taking a lot more time than expected. And still seems depressed etc.

    I need to start living my life now..
    I want to be involved with every aspect of his life whereas she seems determined to keep me out. She does not want to meet me which I am OK with. She used to come to work to visit him but it was very awkward till he told her to quit coming till she is able to face me without any hassles. I love his kids and would love to spend morw time with them but she does not like it. But Alhumdulillah he makes sure that they spend every Sunday with me.
    She doesnt like me coming for functions and stays away or asks him to ask me to stay away which is not fair.
    I mean Just because I agreed to give her space she cant treat me like a parish.
    Her behavior upsets husband too..
    He is trying so much for her but she seems to not appreciate what he is doing for her.
    She claims he spends way more time with me.. has no time for the kids..hello he is busy too!
    Also, she very conveniently only hates me and blames me but still loves him whereas it takes 2 hands to clap.
    How do I tackle this situation. I am miserable. And very few people know I am his wife. I dont like ppl looking at me without respect.
    I wish she would accept me as his wife. As her equal. I hope she agrees to the promises that he made when she was upset and not to hold on to it.
    Phew.. that was a load off…

    I need him to stand strong to her and realize that he is doing wrong to me. Actually he wants to but she doesnt seem to be able to let go..

    I want equal time with him. Just becaus I work with him doesnt mean I get quality time with him
    I am miserable whenever he has to leave l. If it was one day here and next day there I would be OK but she cant seem to take it.
    Just because he had said that to her in the beginning she needs to realize that things change.
    I am his wife too and what she wants I deserve too..

    How do we handle it.. he is stressed too caught in the middle and he feels guilty for me..

    Should we just stand strong and tell her this is how its gonne be.. equal time for both of us.
    He tries to spend more time with me on the days he goes to her to try and even the time. He stays till around midnight or further but she keeps calling to ask when is he coming back home

    She is jealous of the time we spend as she claims ALL DAY..
    Yes but we work together and then have dinner out and then he spends some time with me then heads out.
    He is tired of doing this and does not know how to deal with his wife. She is clingy and depressed and seems to be OK one day and then depressed the next few days. Its been more than half a year now. Will she ever get over this?
    I feel like I am not living my life preperly and am in a limbo..

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2017

    Serena, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Well said! Again, you shared invaluable information that is sooooo important.

    Many people definitely think that polygamy is bliss for men and only women have difficulties in it. It’s a fallacy. One only needs to read the Quran to know that all Muslims/believers are tested. Allah lets us know that he tests some of us by way of others.

    The substance of polygamy gets lost in the theoretical concepts of it. What people need to know and understand of polygamy about how it is lived, what people who live it goes through along with what Allah tells us in the Quran about people and what we’ll go through is barely spoken of on the internet. This site covers it probably more than anywhere else.

  • Serena

    March 1, 2017

    People tend to think it’s only the existing wife/wives that are getting tested when their husband marries another. The husband is also going through a test too. His new wife could well be a test for him. She may lead him astray or try to mess up his marriage to the other wife/wives. He still has responsibilities towards his other wife/wives and children.

    Everyone gets tested. Even the Prophets got tested. We need to look in the Quran and see how the Prophets dealt with their tests. Read Surah Anbiyaa (chapter 21) verses 83 and a few that follow it. There are many examples in the Quran how they had patience and asked from Allah.

    Remember whatever you are going through Allah will make a way out. Allah will make a way out of difficulty and matters will be easy. Allah has already set a limit for everything.

  • Serena

    March 1, 2017

    Salam

    Confused and depressed

    You say your husband is never in the mood to talk or discuss anything with you. If it is like that then even if you are calm and try and talk to him he may not want to hear or talk to you. Is there any reason why you can’t get someone else to talk to him? Can you get someone who will advise and listen to both of you and mediate between you two?

    Don’t stop doing dua. Continue to ask Allah. Allah can change your husband. It’s happened people who were enemies become best of friends. Never give up hope, always rely on Allah and always be grateful to Allah.

    Also I don’t know how well you know the other wife but some co wives like to see the other wife/wives suffer. When your husband is with her just let them be. You can remind your husband but you will not be able to correct him. He needs to realise himself that he is doing wrong and fear of Allah.

    Confused and depressed like Ana and Rosa advised get close to Allah and ask for guidance and understanding of the quran.

  • Rosa

    March 1, 2017

    As salaamu alaikum all. Cheers to another wonderful month of discussions.

  • Alison

    March 1, 2017

    Asalam aleikum beautiful ladies… Sorry been outta space but am back hope you are all good

    Love you

  • anabellah

    March 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace https://www.polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for March 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the February 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:February 2017 Discussions