May 2017 Discussions

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299 Comments

  • anabellah

    June 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All,

    polygamy 411 May 2017 Discussions

    Once again we have come to the close of another wonderful month of discussions only to begin anew. Let’s say goodbye to the May 2017 discussions and welcome in a new month.

    Please join us at: June 2017 Discussions

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2017

    I finally got inspired to write a new post/theme. Alhumdulliah! 🙂

    Things to Know About Polygamy in Islam

  • anabellah

    May 28, 2017

    Gail,

    I loved your post and how you explained about not needing to say that we do something “for the sake of Allah.” Well said. It’s very helpful. The examples that you gave were spot on.

    The hubz and I had a wonderful vacation and anniversary. Everything went smoothly. Although, we almost missed a connecting flight due to an airport staff person not knowing what she was doing and took us out of the TSA line. We literally had to run to the gate, as they announced the door was closing. SMH

    I’m hoping that Umm Abdullah stays with us as well. Her story is way interesting and she seems like a very good heart, kind and special person.

    I’m so happy to hear that you are making great strides in your real estate business and you and your family are prospering. It’s awesome!!! I know your anniversary is coming up soon, as well. I think I remember it correctly – June 11th. Isn’t it amazing how these years are flying by. It’s incredible. Again, I think it fantastic how you are spear heading along with your mobile homes business. It brings back memories of Jenny and what an entrepreneur she was. I can’t believe I miss her sometimes…

  • Gail

    May 28, 2017

    Ana,
    Loved what u said to Umm Abdullah about saying all the time for the sake of Allah.
    I myself think the same thing G.D is all knowing all powerful and as humans if we have to do something in our minds for the sake of Allah/G.D then what need to do it in the first place.Instead people should say I love my cowife because Allah is Great.I guess I mean to say is it should not be like pulling teeth to do something for Allah who needs us to do nothing.On the same level of thinking if u don’t have love in your heart for your cowife maybe there is something wrong with you or your cowife that Allah decided not to put that love there.
    Allah could have put love in Saira’s heart for her slave/cowife but G.D didn’t.Both woman seem to be good woman logically speaking but G>D didn’t find the need to force love between them.Furthermore both woman’s Sons became great nations!
    I agree with your husband I do think Umm Abdullah has buyers remorse(very well said) but what is done is done now and she will have to live with the results of her actions may they be good or bad.Hopefully everything will turn out fine for her and her cowife and hubby.
    I couldn’t shake her grabbing the handicapped lady for her husband and her husband actually accepting.I hope she stays with the blog I find her story very interesting.Hoping for her best.
    Hope u have a nice vacation!! I am in the process of closing a deal on a mobile home and a lot through the Title company and hubby and I also bought another mobile home and waiting for it to be delivered.This rain has the mobile home movers so backed up but can u believe it I now own 4 properties and 4 mobile homes.I know there just lots and mobile homes right now but I feel really excited.I am seriously gobbling up mobile home lots like I am pac man! LOL

  • ummof4

    May 28, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum Maryam,

    Please advise your husband that if he hides his marriage to you he would be lying to the world. If he wants to divorce you to marry her, it doesn’t say a lot about his commitment to your marriage. I don’t know what country you are in, but in many countries, including the UK and US, Muslim men marry 2nd and 3rd and 4th wives without having to divorce the 1st wife.
    As far as him being able to afford another wife, that’s his concern, not yours. However, he should not lower your standard of living to accommodate another wife. He also should not require you to work to support his other wife.
    In conclusion, how does he know that this new wife will be able to have children? If she cannot conceive, will he divorce her and marry another and keep her a secret? How does your husband know he is able to have children? ?Does he already have choldren? Whether or not couples have children is completely up to Allah. Allah says in the Qur’aan, in Surah Ash-Shura, Ayats 49-50, ” To Allah belongs the kingdoms of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows females upon whom He wills, and bestows males upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills. Verily, He is the All-Knower and is able to do all things.”
    May Allah bless us all with a successful Ramadan, including those of us who cannot fast.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Umm Abdullah,

    Just as long as you know what your intentions are, it’s all that matters. Your friend has a good friend in you. It’s very special and kind of you to consider her and look out for her. I pray Allah is well pleased with you.

    You’re right that you having had input in who your husband marries doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have feelings of jealousy and envy etc the same as anyone else does who enters a polygamous marriage. You’re doing good in that you recognize the negative emotions that you have, and you want to combat them. It’s what we’re all dealing with and battling with. We have to fight those feelings and not entertain them. We’re trying to purify our souls and not makes excuses for our lowly emotions and for giving into Satan. You’re at the right place here. We’re all trying to help one another 🙂

    You said your friend is more pious than you. Allah knows best whether she is or not. Just keep trying to be the best servant to Allah that YOU can be. Don’t focus on her piety. Concentrate on your own. It will help prevent jealousy and envy as well.

    Your husband may love you more because you put selfishness aside and want for your sister-in-faith what you want for yourself. You sound to be a beautiful person whom I would love to have as a friend in real life, not just in cyberspace 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Umm Abdullah, As salaamu Alaikum,

    When I hear someone say that they do something or have done something or will do something “for the sake of Allah”, it’s puzzling to me. We as Muslim/believers should do things to seek the good pleasure of Allah, meaning we want Him to be well pleased with us. We do it for the benefit of our own soul.

    Why is there a need to tell others that we do whatever it is – for the sake of Allah? Allah knows why we do what we do. There is no need to announce that it is for the sake of Allah. Allah doesn’t need us to do anything for Him.

    I think people just repeat that saying out of habit or because they think it’s what they are expected to say or it’s simply a cliche.

    I’ve heard people say, for instance, “I love my co-wife for the sake of Allah”. If a person truly loves another, it’s because Allah has placed the love in the person’s heart for that person. Allah knows why someone loves someone else. What’s the need for a person to say that they love another for “the sake of Allah?” Either a person loves another or doesn’t and only Allah knows the reason. Again, Allah doesn’t need anything from us.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Aseiya,

    I retrieved your last post from the spam queue, which is why I’m approving it so late.

  • Aseiya

    May 27, 2017

    @Umm Abdullah

    Asw, sister.

    I shared your story in my community, and they got touched by your bi heart. It’s difficult to accept polygamy.

    I know some Islamic scholars from my country who failed in doing polygamy but there are some who success. The wives live in harmony and they seem happy.

    Sometimes it’s a better idea if the second wife is chosen by the first wife. and he first and the 2nd wife have contribution if the husband wants to take the 3rd wife.

    Are you Arab sister?

    because as I know for Arab laddies who grew up in Arab to obtain Polygamy is more easy than non Arab, I think because a lot of Arab guys do polygamy.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Umm Abdullah, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I have similar thoughts about your situation as the other ladies. I wonder too if subconsciously you think that if your husband marries the blind lady, it would make you and your husband appear to be righteous, pious good doers.

    As Gail mentioned, for instance, why not pick a beautiful, bright, lovely lady for your husband if you’re doing the pickin for him? Furthermore, I agree that there is a chance your husband will be more attracted to the blind lady as men have been known to be attracted to women who need their help more than to the independent ones who seem more self-sufficient.

    I totally get that you sympathize for the blind woman and your reasons. However, if you picked her for your husband and have, so it seems, brought them together, then you’ll just have to go with it. Polygamy is not a piece of cake. It’s no cake walk. It’s not a walk in the park. Actually, it’s the opposite. But, it does eventually get easy and can be beautiful.

    I ran your situation by my husband and he said it sounds that you’re now having what is known in other industries as “buyers” remorse. You put yourself out there and are now having second thoughts about what you’ve embarked upon.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Maryam,

    About him wanting to divorce you, so that he could marry her legally and bring her to the country in which you live, you asked us what we think about it. What do you think about it? What did you tell him when he spoke to you about it?

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Maryam,

    I suggest you not put so much emphasis on him wanting another wife because you can’t conceive. You don’t know why he wants another wife other than he is using you not being able to conceive as a reason for wanting another wife. It’s a reason that he knows you can’t argue about. You having a baby or several by him wouldn’t insure that he wouldn’t want another wife.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Maryam,

    I totally understand how you would be offended and concerned that he and she don’t want to tell her family about you. No one wants to be a “secret”. I don’t fault you for not wanting to be a secret. Furthermore, marriage shouldn’t be a secret. It defeats the meaning and purpose of marriage.

    In your case, it appears he wants everyone to think that the other is his only wife. It’s deceit. If polygamy isn’t accepted in her culture, then ask him why he is marrying as a polygamous then? What’s wrong with him making his intent to stay monogamous, if he can’t handle coming out as a polygamous to the immediate families? If he’s going to do it, tell him to stand up a be a man about it. Why hide and lie?

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Ramadan Mubarak to you! Welcome to the 411 on polygamy. 🙂

    Another commentator named “Maryam” who is unable at this time to conceive, the same as you, writes here. Her husband married another recently.

    About finances that you spoke of in your post, I think some women use it as an excuse to put obstacles in their husbands’ way in an EFFORT to stop them from taking on additional wives. We must remember that polygamy isn’t only for the wealthy. I remember reading (not in the Quran) that a man went to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and said he wanted to marry but had nothing to give to the woman as a dower. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) told him to give her a date stone. The story went something to that effect, meaning one doesn’t need a whole lot to marry.

    We need to be mindful that Allah provides for us. Believers prosper when they help others. It doesn’t impoverish them. Satan want people to fear poverty. Allah promises the believers prosperity.

  • anabellah

    May 27, 2017

    polygamy 411

  • Rosa

    May 27, 2017

    RAMADAN MUBARAK ALL

  • Maryam

    May 27, 2017

    Assalam alikoum sisters, Ramadan Mubarak. I ask Allah for patience. I can’t have children my husband wants children of his own. He has been searching for a wife for years over the net. He found one that he has been talking for awhile now. They seem to be pretty serious about marriage. I’ve talked to her a couple of times but as she doesn’t speak English we’re limited. My relationship with my husband has been rocky as I bring notice to him that we can’t financially afford our own life with the idea of bringing someone else in the mix. Things are fine as long as I just go along with his idea. I get it he can have up to 4 but within reasons prescribed. The main issue I have now is they have both decided not to tell her family about me. Culturally it won’t be accepted. He’s going along with it as he is so blinded by the desire of having a baby. Shes in another country and to marry her and bring her here he myst divorce me. But he still wants me around as he loves me. Any thoughts?

  • anabellah

    May 26, 2017

    Ramadan Mubarak All,

    We’re just getting home on time to begin the fast; although still at the airport.

    I have a lot of catching up to do here.

    Rosa, I miss you too 😊 and everyone. Insha Allah I’ll chat with you all soon. {{{hugs}}}

  • Rosa

    May 26, 2017

    Serena I feel the same about sis Tunis posts. She’s simply amazing. Tunis you’re doing well. You’ve come to terms with your shortcomings and are willing to change for the better. That’s the power of Allah. He knows what to put us through that’ll bring us closer to Him. It’s why we are here living in this world. Everyone take advantage of this Ramadan by reading the Quran in your native language so that you understand. It’s truly a miraculous Holy Book for all times. Allah is the Majestic the Wise how He created this world and everything in it then created sustenance for all creation to survive. Which of the favours of your Lord can he deny.

    Remember fasting is not only resisting food, but it’s fasting of every limb. Your eyes, feet etc.

  • ummof4

    May 25, 2017

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    May Allah grant all of us a blessed Ramadan and accept our fasts and good deeds during the month. Ramadan is an excellent time for self-reflection and improvement in our characters.
    Tunis, I am glad you are in a good place now and I pray that it continues.
    Mari 2, continue to do whatever you feel is the right thing to do for others. And remember if your intention is pure, no one can take away the blessings that Allah may give you for your good deeds.
    Serena, I have been in a situation when someone insisted on offering me a gift that I knew I could not use. I accepted the gift and gave it to someone else. At least it would be used and not thrown away. Remember when we give a gift, it’s just that, a gift, with no strings attached. Once it is given to the person, it’s up to him or her to decide what to do with it. A person can even take it back to the store and exchange it for something else if a gift card is included. I have received gifts before and then given the gifts to someone who needed it more than me or who I know liked it more than me. For example, if someone gives me flowers, I accept them and give them to someone who I know likes flowers because I don’t. I have received gift cards to certain stores and businesses and given them to someone else who would use it before me. On the other hand, I have received gifts that I know the giver had received from another person. It was obviously “regifted”, and rewrapped, but it was something that I used.

  • Tunis

    May 25, 2017

    Salams everyone

    Well i will tell you, hopefully briefly, haha, what happened to me that brought about this change of heart and somewhat peace of mind. We had our last fight, which I instigated, Im sure. I mean even the first week I was home…it was obvious I still had a chip on my shoulder..why ? I kept asking myself…why?. Cause I cant live like this ..its so draining. I believe in Allah’s word..whatever Allah has prescribed in His Book..so why the difficulty? that is how I saw it. So its jealousy that plays havock upon us along with the promptings of shaytan surely. Anything to destroy us and break our faith and have our good deeds taken away. So I prayed istahara..and asked and asked…i said I cant do this anymore….cant do what.? Be in control….Who asked me too ! haha…I realized then I am not in control of this show..I dont have to have all the answers..as one sister said..making sure he is doing this polygamy right..etc.. that is not for me to worry about. So I asked Allah if I should stay in this marriage if it were good for me.

    Sorry I got side track, trying to make it short..So I had mentioned one day lets go out for a ride..he says where too? but I take it as if he dont have time for ME..
    next day we need to go shopping..we usually go together..he say, you go or I go….lets go together, I say..he say i dont like to shop much, just for a few things..?? ..huh??…so at that point, ladies in my mind..I feel or know or think..he may want to go call his other wife…so I should have been good about that..being true to myself..go with the flow. If he wanted to go to store alone..so be it. After all, if I were her, I would want to get a call from my husband..we should want for our sisters what we want for ourselves. That helps me alot..to think this. But a few minutes later he says he is going to the store..and goes..and I lose it..just like that. I called him to tell him I wont be here when he comes back…he say.. go then..I say ..like you dont really f*^ki*g care..and hung up. Bad real bad. I dont know why he went..but I was overthinking and controling. We slept apart for 5 days..he went from my bed…I apologize but to now avail..I felt like sh#t..he wanted nothing to do with me. Thats when I prayed those 5 days and nights in my room. I finally went to speak just to say I was going for a ride..which propmted me to say something I forget now…I proceed to leave the house but he calls me back to sit down and talk. He talked..I said not a word but only listened to a husband who had my best interest at heart.. who did care about me..for the sake of Allah…who was concerned for my salvation and ever encouraging me to be a better muslim and our goal is NOT this dunya..he said somemany things Ana always speaks on. I realized then my purpose..was to worship Allah and trust His will..and be content and see what happens..and fight those thoughts with thoughts of Allah when they come to me from shaytan. Im working on keeping that door closed…with the help from Allah

    We are on good terms..he gave me a wonderful Kutbah..my husband…and I see him in a different way now…and his other wife….I put myself in her place. I pray she is in a good place too.

    Peace to all you sisters…and may we all embark on this Ramadan with hopeful hearts…and with the mercy from Allah we are all guided to a higher level of Iman.

  • Serena

    May 25, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    Tunis

    I always look forward to reading what you write. Your style of writing is such that it is so clear concise and has beautiful messages for us all.

    Am eagerly waiting to read the continuation. May Allah help you and all of us in becoming closer to Him.

  • Serena

    May 25, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2

    I remember saying to heartbroken to believe the words of Allah over the promises of her husband. It was because her husband promised to love her and the new wife equally. He changed towards heartbroken showing no love. A man will love/favour one wife more and he is not to be blamed for that.

    Mari2 InshaAllah you will be rewarded by Allah for your acts of kindness. I completely understand you doing something because you feel its the right thing to do. It would hurt when you do so much for people and they can’t even give salam.

    I have been through that and what I didn’t like was when I gifted someone and they took the gift then said they have no need for it so they will give it to someone else.

    Mari2 Ramadan is just round the corner. Do what makes you happy. Don’t let drama spoil your Ramadan

  • Tunis

    May 25, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ladies,

    Thank you sister Rosa for thinking of me.

    To share with you where I am at: Alhamdulilah.

    Listen, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy….this can eat you up..along with your good deeds…and destroy your marriage.

    And it is ABSOLUTELY OF NO BENEFIT to a woman…whether in a polygamous marriage or not. We must ask Allah to take this jealousy from us….not only that,.. but to help us understand that He is our sole happiness and love and contentment…
    ..and we must understand that we MUST strive to please Allah in our daily actions…and interactions with our husbands.

    Each of us are on our own, so to speak, in regards to how we respond to our husbands actions/sayings…we have a choice..Right ? We can act negatively and/or/jealousy or with joy and/or knowing/accepting the Qadr of Allah.

    So when I put in perspective my husband is accountable for his actions regarding his comings and goings…what he does and does not…between wives…is not for “me to control”.

    I think some how, for quite awhile there, I got stuck in that,..thinking perhaps I could change his feelings or actions…(by mine ? huh? and what was I thinking ?)…

    but ALL THIS was mostly MY interpretations of his actions/sayings based on his response to my jealousy. And we all know there are two sides to every story. Everything I have shared here on this blog has been how I heard and reacted to my husband. Not saying Im all to blame..it just that I choose to react ..jealously..hastly..not calmly..etc etc…and blindly to signs..good signs..but I got arrogant and ignorant in my behavoir because jealously blinds. whoa! Shaytan is a real enemy..know he is at that door ready to open it..no, actually he has it open,,he is just waiting for you to choose to walk thru it.

    I get it now.. I mean I get it now.

    So as has been said before, here on this blog…ALLAH is the CONTROLLER of the hearts and everything. I CAN.. kindly suggest or advise, in the best way possible to husband, what I feel about something…as long as the intention is going to benefit me…meaning..beware..is there really another agenda there…jealousy provoked ? We as women must check this within ourselves ..try..try ever so hard..before you speak or react. I for one, alhamdulilah..think I am getting to that good place before Allah…putting HIM before everything else…He lessens that natural tendancy we women have…but it can be overcome slowly but surely…

    If one wants to stay married to their man and that man wants to also be married to another woman..one must accept and know that this is Allah’s Will for our husband…because #one..it is allowed..and #two..the responsibility lies on their shoulders. He married another woman..NOT ME.

    For whatever reasons..that is for him and it could be his and his wives blessings ..only Allah knows and decides…yes I am part of his life..but that’s it ..only part…he is not my everything nor am I his.

    Yes a woman must ask,,especially as a believer..what is her goal as a muslim wife. This dunya or jannah. And Allah puts us all in situations that is needed to bring us closer to him…regardless of what type of marriage one is part of. Look to see that if it is bringing you closer…this is from Allah and if not..you have some work to do on yourself…depending on your goal…dunya or jannah….and Allah can make it jannah here on earth for us…if we focus on HIM and not our husbands.

    to be con’t..inshallah

  • Rosa

    May 24, 2017

    Mari2 you remind me a lot of myself. Giving until hurts :)Sadly we live in a world of people who rarely appreciate goodness done to them nor ever think to return the favour but Allah Sees All and is well aware. May Allah guide the misguided

    Sis Ana I MISS YOU.
    Sis Tunis I hope you’re coping as best you can. Stay in Remembrance of Allah and positivity will follow.
    Heartbroken how are you sis?

    I pray everyone here has a blessed and prosperous Ramadan

  • Mari2

    May 24, 2017

    Rosa,

    Thank you for your response. I have helped M and his family, not because I wanted profuse thanks or some kind of medal, but because it just strikes me at the moment as a “do right” just because I can. Example: his sis arrived here from Pakistan in the summer. Come fall it was time for my niece to attend school. I arranged the registration process,etc because I had an understanding of what needed to be done. I made sure my niece had a backpack and school supplies necessary when she showed up on her first day because I know how that is important. When it became colder and her Pakistani clothing was insufficient, I happily offered to go buy her new clothes because I wanted to. In the past I would see a great deal on cherries and know that M and his mom love them. So I would happily get them some to enjoy. In the past I would find a great deal on detergent or pasta sauce or the crackers my nephew likes and send M home with a bag to give to all of them. In the past I would notice if M needed new undershirts or socks or a new belt and just toss the old and replace with new, and nary mention it. In the past I would notice a great sale on tilapia and while I detest fish, would pick some up for him to take to his family. In the past I sent gifts to 2 for both her wedding and her arrival here. In the past I wrote a letter to the immigration appeal board contesting the denial of his minor sister’s VISA application and won the appeal. Now his minor sister has been granted a VISA and is in the queue for her final interview.

    And none of this I have done for acclaim or thanks. I did all of this because I could. Because I chose to. Because it was right. Simple. And as much as I have chosen to do, his family have chosen to be ingrates. That is fine. That is their choice. I hardly can require anything from them. But now after these months since 2 has arrived and throwing her drama shade, my MIL who won’t even return my Salam when she sees me in the store as I relieve her from her shift, I have chosen to not bother. I didn’t expect thanks or even acceptance for my actions. But what I didn’t expect was such meanness and hurtful actions and words toward me. I wash my hands of them at this point. May Allah guide and protect them.

  • Rosa

    May 24, 2017

    Mari2 you’re doing the best you possibly can and I commend you for it. Remember to take care of you first. You seem to be taking care of everyone else all the time. Don’t let them drain you. Whatever you do for them do it solely for Allah.

    May Allah purify and accept our intentions and actions

  • Mari2

    May 23, 2017

    I have been doing it all wrong because I have been trying to make things work out time wise. WAIT! That’s not for me to work out. I am not married to 2. And then I am trying to help him out by giving time to his business. WAIT! I am neither a partner in the business nor do I financially benefit from it. Allah blessed me with a kind husband and my own ability to sustain myself. I did my best to help him and his family . And I always pray for M to be successful.

    But I now find myself pulling away from reaching out my hand to his family. Last year,I happily drove his mom and sis to mosque for Iftari. They may have embarrassed me by eating and leaving and not staying for tarawee. But I did it anyway. This year, no. I will go for myself. The prayer matters more to me than making them happy by bringing them for a free meal.

  • Mari2

    May 23, 2017

    @Jasmina,
    I certainly understand your frustration with the time thing. And I also know what it is like to have an extra “wife” (MIL) in the marriage. And I have been there too when I reach my breaking point and make my frustrations known to my husband. But I have learned that M will say he’s going to X, Y or Z “soon” or “just be patient”. He’s just saying those things to appease me. Not because they are his intentions. He just doesn’t want conflict. And in a way I do feel a modicum of sympathy toward him as he is quite clearly hen pecked. BUT…it was his decision to gather all his hens in one place.

    A poster below said something awesomely awesome: believe the words of Allah over the promises of your husband. That really spoke to me in a way that I needed to hear. It was a true mic drop statement. Then Ana and Rosa followed up with perfect explanations as to how Allah sees all and if 2 or MIL want to run the show and M chooses to follow, then that’s on them. I so understand that, and realize I have been doing it all wrong.

  • Gail

    May 23, 2017

    Umm Abdullah,

    Yes that is exactly what I meant that she would be less of a threat in your eyes.Sense u don’t view the situation as such then u won’t have to work on that issue which is GREAT!!
    As far as you being alone after the kids are asleep and getting lonely it happens and it’s normal.If u get lonely pick up the phone and call them when he is away not a big deal.Not sure what u like as far as hobbies goes in the evening hours but u might think to take up a small evening hobby when the kids are asleep to keep your mind distracted while he is gone.In my case I never really shared my husband because we live in USA and when we visited Pakistan my excowife lived with us in the same home so I can’t help u out as far as u being dealing the kids alone while your husband is away.That’s the part of Polygamy that I couldn’t deal.My husband and I decided there wouldn’t be separate homes when we were in Pakistan.Had he insisted on living separate I would have divorced him straight up because I would not been able to stand for that because in my case I am raising my excowife’s children and she would have tried to separate the kids which I didn’t want.
    I will say u guys will have to figure out what works for your family because every family unit is different and what might work for me or Ana or the other women on the blog might not exactly work for you or your family.
    Sorry to hear about your sister and her skin condition.I know how having skin problems feel I have Basal Cell Carcinoma/skin cancer twice in the last couple of yrs.One the cancers was on my nose and they had to cut out a huge portion of my nose I looked horrible for awhile as well.

  • Umm Abdullah

    May 22, 2017

    Dear sister gail,
    I’m sorry but I didn’t understand your question well. Did you mean that I chose her as a co wife since she’s blind and will be a less threat? If that’s what you mean no sister that’s not the reason. My younger sister who’s 20 years old now, has a rare sickness in which she lost all her teeth and her skin has blisters. She can only chew her foods while wearing a denture. I’ve seen how people treat her only because she’s not normal like others. She would always say no body will ever get married to her cos she’s sick she looks like an old lady without her dentures on. My mother is having a hard time finding a guy who wants to get married to my sister so far she found none. So I know how a sick or disabled person feels when they are rejected. This blind sister reminds me of my own sister. She’s getting old day by day and there is no body who’s willing to marry her just because she’s blind. All I wanna do is help her and I know my husband well to know that he’ll take care of her and won’t treat her bad.

  • Umm Abdullah

    May 22, 2017

    Dear sister Serena,
    Jazaakillah khayran for your kind words. Currently we both live far away from our homeland. Both of us are studying and we’ve two more years until we get our degree Insha’ALLAH. I’ve recently finished my exams for this semester and the next semester will begin only after hajj so I’ll be staying at home with my kids. The sister who’s about to get married to my husband lives in our country. My husband would be able to visit her twice a year during midterm break (2-3 weeks) and during summer holidays ( 2-3 months). I’ve told her several times that she won’t be able to get residence permit to live here since the law here won’t allow that and she said she’s okay with it. Though I feel sad at times it doesn’t effect my kids Alhamdhulillah cos when I’m with both of them I’m too busy to think about other stuffs. Sometimes it’s really hard looking after a 5yr old and 3yr old all by myself. My husband also helps out when ever he’s at home but most of the time he’s busy with his studies and work. It’s when my kids are asleep and I’m all alone by myself I think about everything. I don’t have any family here but I do have friends Alhamdhulillah.
    Once again jazaakillah khayran for the advice it really means a lot to me.

  • Gail

    May 22, 2017

    Umm Abdullah,

    Let me ask u something personal if u don’t mind? U said both u and your husband have always said u would take a second wife correct? Did u know this going into the marriage or after and if so did this mentally affect u to where u seen this disabled blind woman and thought to yourself https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif She is perfect because she has a disability thinking she wouldn’t be as much a threat to you and people from the outside like family and friends wouldn’t give u as much Hell sense the woman is disabled? I have to ask because if u knew your husband would take another wife then why pick a disabled person over say a beauty queen?
    I am not asking u these questions to be nasty or negative.Polygamy has a way of making u face everything about yourself.Polygamy is nothing like people think it is to be honest.It’s truly a personal growth journey.
    My point about your blind soon to be cowife is obviously parents and family members wouldn’t just up and pick a blind woman for their son or family member thats something more a wife would do to lessen the competition(ego).I am not saying u did this but if u did u will have to face that issue within yourself.Please don’t take wrong it was something that came into my brain so i thought I might ask.
    Also even if u did pick her based on her being blind it’s not a big deal it would just show u are human so no judgment either way.

  • Serena

    May 22, 2017

    Walaikum asalam

    Umm Abdullah

    MashaAllah not many woman would do what you have done. You have thought more about pleasing your husband and helping your friend and I hope you get rewarded for that.

    Does your friend live near you? Why is your husband going to spend a month or more with her? Will he also be seeing you during that time? Have you and your husband discussed how he will split time between you two?

    You said you feel hurt sometimes when you think about your husband being with her or finding her more attractive and pious. Yes these thoughts maybe from shaytan but there is also the possibility of that happening.

    I don’t want to sound negative but your husband may find her more attractive etc. Sister ask Allah to help you to deal with the negative thoughts.

    Again don’t want to sound negative but in all this you have to think about your children too. If you are feeling down how will this affect your children? Do you and your children depend alot on your husband? Will you have help when husband is not with you?

    Sister keep your intentions sincere and Allah will help you especially like you said you are also doing this for the sake of Allah.

    Stay with us on this blog inshaAllah the others will be able to offer advice.

  • Umm Abdullah

    May 22, 2017

    Dear Gail, jazaakillah khayran for your kind reply. As i mentioned before I wanted to help her and my husband as well cos he have always wanted to have a second wife so I thought she would be the best choice since we’re friends and I know her well. I do talk to her but I’ve never told her how I feel at times. Most of the time I feel happy that I’m helping a sister in need and helping my husband be chaste perhaps this second marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from falling for any haram. I’d rather be pleased to see him getting married to another woman in a permissible manner than falling for haram. About sharing kids I don’t know how it’s gonna turn around. We’ve got two kids Alhamdhulillah but she has no kids yet since she was never married. I try not to think about my husband and her together cos I think mostly it’s from the shaithaan. This is all very new to me and I hope and pray that ALLAH gives me sabr and make me content with His decree and give me the tha’feeq to treat my husband and co wife well so that I could attain the reward of being patient. I’m thankful to ALLAH that I came across this blog and I ask ALLAH to make things easy for all of us and reward all of us emmensly for our patience.
    Your sister in islam
    N~

  • Gail

    May 21, 2017

    Umm Abdullah,

    First of all welcome to the blog I find what u did so amazing!Your cowife is a very lucky lady to have u for a cowife.I think what u did has to be one of the most unselfish things any human can do.
    Can u confide in your cowife about your feelings sense u are both friends? You may find this to be very very strange but sharing your husband sexually with a cowife is not that big of a deal at all.The hardest part for me personally was sharing the kids because we both had kids with hubby but I was the one raising all the kids.Her style of raising kids is polar opposite to mine so needless to say that didn’t go down well.
    I am curious though why u offered your husband up on a silver platter to be served to the young blind woman if u are freaked out about sharing him sexually?lol Not really sure what was going through your mind that time.
    If u see your cowife as your equal and u want her happiness then Don’t worry about the intimacy part of it.Also understand that this is YOUR Polygamous Marriage and u three can figure it out as u go along.U won’t loose your husband to her if thats what u are worried about.

  • Umm Abdullah

    May 21, 2017

    Assalam’alykum warahmathullaahi wabarakaathu. I hope all sisters who read my message is in good health and eemaan bifadhlillah. I’m new to this blog. I’m in need of your sincere advice and dhu’a. My husband is about to get married in few weeks Insha’ALLAH. He always wanted to have a second wife but he wasn’t financially not stable to have two wives till now. I’ve known this sister through a mutual friend and masha’ALLAH she’s a pious muslimah. The sister he’s about to get married is blind and ever since I knew her I wanted to help her we found a proposal for her through a friend of ours but at the last moment that guy cancelled everything. Afterwards she talked to me and said that no body will want a blind person like her and no body will love her. Her words hit me really hard and I asked my husband if he would marry her and he agreed to marry her Alhamdhulillah. I’m doing this to help a sister in islam for the sake of ALLAH but sometimes when I think about my husband and her I feel jealous my heart hurts. Most of the time I guess it’s the shaithaan who puts useless ideas in my head like he would forget me once he’s married to her or he won’t find me attractive anymore or he would love her more because she’s more pious than me ( she’s a hafizah of quran Baarak’ALLAH laha) etc etc. We currently live in madhina but my husband is gonna marry her this summer and will stay with her for a month or more. I don’t know how I’m gonna hadle those weeks thinking about it now even hurts me really bad. I hope you sisters could help me. Any advices anything I’ll be grateful. Jazaakunna’ALLAH khayr al jazaa.

    P.s. English isn’t my first language I hope all of you understand what I’m trying to explain here.

    Your sister in islam
    N~

  • Rosa

    May 21, 2017

    Jasmina you yourself said your husband left for two weeks or so and u hadn’t heard from him. You yourself expressed how much you wanted a another baby and how much for the longest your husband didn’t want anymore children with you. You yourself said how much he’s controlled by his mother and second wife. I was just going off what u wrote here. My apologies i see you took it the wrong way. I wish the best for the ladies here. Will think twice before addressing you in the future

  • Gail

    May 21, 2017

    Jasmina,

    What u said about keeping a positive attitude over a negative one is the real key to life.Negativity serve no purpose except to bring marriages down.I have learned that lesson very well in my own marriage.I was a HUGE NEGATIVE NANCY as my sweet daughter likes to call being negative.I have learned if u make up your mind to work on yourself and make your own life better and stop always looking on the negative side of life then things just naturally start looking brighter.
    In the past when hubby did anything at all I would automatically go negative..for example.. if he brought me a cake home I would think in my mind that SON of a Biscuit eater is trying to KILL ME so he can get a new wife and if that was not bad enough I would verbalize to him that I know him bringing that cake home he was trying to knock me off.Same thing if he took me out to eat!! I only seen it when my kids told me MOM u need to STOP and my daughter called me a Negative Nancy!lol
    It sure woke me up and I decided right then and there to knock of the negativity and be positive.Now my hubby and I get along great and the kids only call me a negative Nancy one ever day or two lol.
    Seriously though if you want another baby and he is on the baby boat then thats a positive thing RIGHT!! Who cares how he got on the positive boat as long as he is on it is how I see it.Everyone has negative setbacks but as long as u snap out of it and keep moving it forward in a positive way then that’s the way to go if u ask me.

  • Jasmina

    May 21, 2017

    Rosa

    “Do everything to gain the pleasure of Allah” I’ll take that.

    Most of everything else you mentioned is quite negative and you have assumed a lot of things which I’m not sure where you got them from but okay. I just want to say to others is that in the days when I would sit there and think in a negative way it served me no good, I would get very depressed. it’s better to accept all that Allah has brought to us and make the most of it, I found this leads to gratitude and Allah rewards that with good.

    Having said that last week was very negative for me, but things have turned around alhamdulillah and I’m thankful I didn’t go into a depressive state like I normally would.

  • Jasmina

    May 21, 2017

    Serena

    That’s exactly what I have tried to do over last 6 months, turn a bad situation into one that brings us closer. Of course everything has its limits, in this instance that limit was reached, I have responded accordingly and he has too. I think we have come to an understanding now and it that agreement is broken I’ll have to see what I need to do if I stay or go or what next step should be. Live each day as it comes.

  • Jasmina

    May 21, 2017

    Thanks Gail

    It’s quality over quantity. He has agreed to make up the time later this year and additionally has also agreed to to do everything on my list to make up for the trouble he caused me and plans to start a new slate as soon as he makes up the time. He’s happy I’ve been understanding and so we’re on good terms again. Hoping he keeps his word, only time will tell but this is certainly a last chance. It’s been a long and hard road Gail but alhamdulillah so long as we do no wrong then we can sleep at night and Allah rewards us and maybe the husband comes around.

  • Rosa

    May 20, 2017

    Jasmina I applaude you for striving to be the most righteous wife but don’t do it in hopes to please your husband because a righteous wife won’t make a difference to an unrighteous husband. He won’t notice if he is not righteous himself. So do everything to gain the pleasure of Allah alone

  • Rosa

    May 20, 2017

    Jasmina

    I also think your husband is pulling your heart strings. I think he threw the baby talk in there because he knows you’re very passionate about it. Why now? Why the change of heart? Why did he leave for weeks without even having the audacity to give you a quick call letting you know he’s at least alive, a text a FaceTime call to check on his son then he wants to come with the crocodile tears and still hasn’t told you why he was a wall for weeks. You seem to love him despite all this so I suggest you get nice and cozy with the fact your husband doesn’t want the things you want, he refuses to be the macho man he is and put his foot down with his mother and wife, he will disappear on you for weeks with no contact and knows all he has to do is bring up another baby or crying, works every time.

  • Serena

    May 20, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Alhumdulillah you sound much postive compared to how heartbroken your earlier posts were.

    What Ana said to Jasmina about being the most righteous that applies to us all too. Forget about trying to be your husbands favourite as he has made it clear to you who his favourite is.

    You mentioned something about him not having the balls to divorce you. He might say and do hurtful stuff to get a reaction from you so you say you want a divorce. Don’t give him that opportunity unless you do want out. When he is like that just go into another room. You don’t have to listen to hurtful things from him.

  • Serena

    May 20, 2017

    Salam

    Jasmina

    When you mentioned the bit about him wanting to have a baby with you I felt he was trying to sweeten you. In your last post you said it too and deep down he knows he might not be able to make up the time so has resorted saying stuff that he thinks will make you happy.

    Did he tell you why hia mum made him spend two weeks with the other? If she was ill or some emergency situation than it’s understandable but your time still has to be made up.

    It’s silly really because if she done it to cause problems between you and your husband I wouldn’t worry too much. If anyone thinks they can cause problems in anothers marriage they should think twice. Only what Allah wills happens and I hope in your case it brings you and your husband even closer.

    I seen in many times where people try to cause friction between husband and wife only for their evil plans to fail.

  • Gail

    May 20, 2017

    Jasmina,

    I think that is a great Idea to have more fun with your husband.I am totally into enjoying life more as I get older and winter in Florida is on my list this year.
    I think it’s very intelligent of u to not try to corner your husband on that topic especially sense u guys have found each other again.
    I also want to say as your the perfect example for Heartbreak.. Just because your cowife has the upper hand and it feels like u have lost your husband to your cowife thats not always the case.Life happens in hours,days,months and years.What might look hopeless today can be the total opposite tomorrow.Everyone should live in hope of a better tomorrow.I am really happy I didn’t throw my weapons down and walk away when my husband was acting so disgusting against me.Looking back I feel I would have destroyed my children’s sense of family and staying together no matter what ethics.That was the one common theme my husband and I had going for us was we both love our children and it ended up being the glue that has held us together over the years.
    U should seriously get busy on that to do list with your hubby and your little boy(if I remember correctly u have a little boy).

  • Jasmina

    May 20, 2017

    Soo today my husband told me he trusts me more than anyone and thinks his other wife is capable of evil things yet he would never think such if me. He never talks about her good or bad so it’s sort of strange he mentioned that to me. I think he is trying to seeet talk me lol, in a strange type of way. So if he doesn’t make up the time right now I will demand that he takes me out on a date night once a month and every weekend he is here that we do a BBQ at home or go out and explore as a family and that he start calling me sweet names and that we dance once a week. I think I can compromise like that lol, he is going to hate me, probably will be the one to run. 😇

  • Jasmina

    May 19, 2017

    Ana and Rosa

    Thats very deep, yes it’s important I remember to not lower myself to their level. I only just read it and earlier I actually told him in the calmest possible way that I want out. He told me he wants a baby with me now and he has so many plans for us. Still I told him I didn’t anymore with this situation. I’ve said it many times but this time he just stayed quiet as he can see how fed up I am and he has cried a few times. I’ve never really seen my husband cry, I didn’t think he could, he is a very macho man and never in 20 years has he cried that I’ve seen. It’s shattered me, he’s so hurt, and it hurts me. I’m not going to say anything else, I’ve just stayed quiet.

    It’s hard as I love him and rocking the boat means messing with my new found hobbies and my business that’s doing well as I would want to go to my hometown with my family. I have a friend who is so miserable as she is in monogamy and has the most amazing husband but she doesn’t love him, she never has and she is miserable. There’s no winning. I think what you say Ana is what I need to do. For now I’ll just see what happens and leave it in Allahs hands and inshaAllah the best possible outcome will come to fruition. We shall see what Allah has in stall for me and my family.

  • Rosa

    May 18, 2017

    Jasmina

    All I can think of right now is does your mother in law and co not fear Allah. What they’re doing is some scarey stuff. Encouraging your husband to treat you less than his wife. Encouraging him to be unjust. Does your husband not fear Allah. Just remember Allah sees and hears all and is well aware. They will not get away with their ill treatment of you. May Allah bless you for your unwavering steadfastness perseverance and patience

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2017

    Jasmina,

    Just do all that you can to be the most righteous wife. Don’t think for a minute that his other wife is getting away with anything. Allah is a Just God. He see all things.

    We need to be mindful that Allah has determined who will go to Jannah (Paradise) and who will go to the Hellfire. It means that people will do wrong, jacked up things that will outweigh any good and it will land that person into the Hellfire where he is destined to go. It means there will be people who will believe and do righteous deeds that will land that person into Jannah/Paradise where she or he is destined to go. We need to save ourselves first from the Fire that will be fueled with men and stone.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2017

    There is a lot to consider when a husband give one wife more time than another when the one who receives less hasn’t agreed to it. I don’t have time to go into it all now, as I’ve got a lot going on and I’m rushed.

    I will say that a wife who fears Allah and wants to obey Him would not encourage her husband to spend time with her when she knows he should go to his other wife. She doesn’t need to tell him to go be with the other, but she darn sure shouldn’t try to persuade him or encourage him to stay with her. Nonetheless, Allah has determined if the husband goes or stays. A wife will account for her part in encouraging or persuading someone to do something that she knows is not right. The husband who does wrong will account to Allah for the wrong that he does. We all are accountable for the part that we play.

    One has to remember that certain people can’t do any good because of their lack of faith. Maybe a husband can’t be just due to that lack. Believers do good. It could be a test for all parties involved. The husband who the wife leads around by his nose certainly isn’t doing any good, nor is that woman. He commits shirk, which is an unforgivable sin, when he obeys his wife and parents when they encourage him to do wrong. People do good who are good. People do evil and wrong who are evil and wrong. It’s something to keep in mind.

    We need to concentrate on our own selves and what we do. We’re the one who will be standing alone on the Day of Judgement.

  • Jasmina

    May 18, 2017

    Thanks Ana you are right. He did come back but wants to make up the time at a later stage not now . I’m not buying it. Alhamdulillah for whatever happens

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2017

    Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t think there is anything you could do other than to say, Alhumdulliah. You know that the likelihood of him making up the time is next to zero. The reason he gave her the time is because he obeys her, her mother and his mother. He gave them the time to acquiesce to them. Do you really think they care anything about him making up time with you, as in meaning they will even hear of it. Wait and see what Allah decides. Allah is the Doer of what He wills. We may all get surprised.

    You need to see if he comes back when he says he will or prolongs the stay there.

  • Jasmina

    May 18, 2017

    Salama all

    I need your advice. If my husband doesn’t make up time he owes me what would you do?

  • Rosa

    May 18, 2017

    Heartbroken

    If you feel your husband isn’t all into you then maybe he’s waiting for you to initiate and you’re waiting for him to initiate. You have to try don’t let your marriage dry up. Luck to u

  • Heartbroken

    May 18, 2017

    Salam all
    Jasmine thanks a ton for elaborating more.

    I am not disrespectful to him. Even a bit. For him I think it’s more like, he thinks I am selfish and demanding as in his mind I seem to be taking him away from the co for even that little time be spends on me.

    I have told him I am still here or have you forgotten that you still a wife?

    He says stupid things like she gets this many quality years with me before I get old..
    You had my peak years now I have to give her quality time before I am old and cannot do many things that we have planned!! You had me completely for so many years.. now its her turn!! What??

    I told him do whatever you want. Am I stopping you? But dont forget that i am still here! I am still your wife!! If I get only half of you so does she!

    He really really irritates and hurts me when he talks nonsense like that! But I keep it in and keep it in till I am unable to bear it and have to burst out here lol.

    He def seems to not want me around so forget the sexy nighties LOL..

    Yeah but your advice about not making him top priority is something I need to work on.

    As Ana and all others say.. Allah and only Allah first…

  • Tasliyman

    May 18, 2017

    @Jasmina

    It’s really good to read your posts. I remember the time you were stuck in a negativity cycle. I’m so happy for you with the progress you’ve made.

    It shows once again that no problem is too big for Allah. No matter what you are going through – putting your trust in Allah is the answer.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    Definitely don’t help him divorce you. DON’T even mention the word “divorce” to him. You and he may be going through a thing today, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be going through it tomorrow. He may wake up and see where he’s erred. We can’t say enough that you’ve got to get yourself right with Allah. I do too. We all do.

  • anabellah

    May 18, 2017

    Yep, I see that Trump is trying to obliterate any trace of Obama. It’s okay. Obama will always be known and remembered as a scandal free, eloquent, distinguished, brilliant, intelligent leader of the free world and much more of same. Trump, that ignoramus, who has disgraced himself and the U.S is going downnnnnn- going down in history as a flaming @$$ hole who went as low as low could go. He better hope he doesn’t get locked up. He better be happy he’ll be able to get a pardon when it’s all over.

  • Heartbroken

    May 17, 2017

    Salam All

    Lol Ana he is definitely not illiterate.. He used to handle all the finances himself and he used to keep me informed of any big deals OR losses in the business. Basically kept me informed of what’s happening.
    She wants to help him and likes to feel needed and this way she feels she is doing an ‘important job’ for him and he is jumping up and down to make her feel whatever she wants to feel even if it makes no sense as to why it would make her feel important or whatever to do it..

    It’s really irritating but if I ask any questions I am shut down rudely.. i dont feel confortable that she is handling ALL of the money now. I asked him a question the other day related to finance and he was like I will check with her! And he didn’t get back to me with the ans later in any case!

    He keeps me out of the loop. I have no clue what is happening with the business either and am answers with radio silence when I do ask him sometimes!

    Oh well, like u said.. He wants to leave or divorce me so bad..he needs to do it himself..

    Khudahafiz

  • Rosa

    May 17, 2017

    Trump is making life worse for everyone. Although the country I’m currently living in was not on the list of banned countries, my brother is being put through so many hoops to get a visa when before trump he got a visa in a week no issues. Muslims are being held at JFK. It’s ludicrous. Do yall see how he’s trying to erase everything The obama’s did? He turned obamacare to trumpCare, he shut down the program Michelle Obama launched to get poor girls educated free of cost. May Allah suffice.

  • Mari2

    May 17, 2017

    @Gail,

    I am pretty sure 2 is pregnant. M tried to ask me insurance questions and a question as to why American women were able to work while they’re pregnant but Pakistani say they can’t. I just shut down his line of questioning and told him that I wasn’t going to give any advice and I wanted no discussion of her on my time. And I have already explained insurance to him a million times already.

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I say to all the ladies, if you don’t want a divorce, let him do whatever it takes to get one, if he wants one. If he’s having a hard time leaving, oh well. That’s not your problem. He didn’t have such a hard time taking on another wife. Let him figure it out how to get rid of one.

    I can’t believe he let his wife, any wife for that matter, manage his finances. I could see it, if he was illiterate. You didn’t say he was illiterate. Does he have issues that warrant him having her manage his affairs?

  • anabellah

    May 17, 2017

    He is all that. We all could do a better job as President than him.

  • Jasmina

    May 17, 2017

    Trumps a joke! A fraud! He will lead the Us to a civil war if not something bigger. Completely incompetent he is.

  • Jasmina

    May 17, 2017

    @heartbroken

    You don’t know how MANY TIMES Ana reminded me of what she just told you. I would come on the blog and repeat my same old story just to get that slap on the face reminder lol. So absolutely take it.

    Everyday is a new day, take it one day at a time.

    Follow my advice for that short term help from Allah, a solution. Your focus on Allah is long term and it’s what will ultimately make you happy. I’m still working on this everyday.

    Things were bad for me at a point that my husband started getting violent by punching wall, pushing me etc. he had such a bad look on his face when was with me and at home. It was a bad experience, no affection, so intimacy.

    Looking back I was also disrespecting him. Actually I spoke to him on the phone once in front of my mother and she was in absolute shock at how I talked to him. She said I talked to him rudely and so bad that she was surprised he hadn’t left me already lol. It took that for me to check myself also. Men can’t handle being disrespected by the woman they love, their reaction is by staying away and going cold towards you because if they respond it’s in a way that men respond and it’s physical, so they go cold to not be challenged. I wonder if you have hurt him also. I’m sure it happens to every couple in this situation. The solution is to focus on Allah, you, stay away from him, don’t demand, don’t ask anything, don’t reproach him. Give it two months of that. Don’t even try to engage in conversation.

    Just look and smell amazing when he comes home, put on your best nighties and have a lamp on so even if u are asleep, he will notice. Read up to make yourself feel good and confident, notnto expect him to notice, because he will probably ignore you for a while, but hunny he’s a man, they are simple lol, he will come around. Look good, smell great, have great hair, clean tidy home, projects and hobbies and a busy life, make him your last priority (make it look that way anyway lol). Be extra nice and it’s hard at first because you expect a man to reciprocate but they won’t for sometime. That coupled with what I told you earlier and focusing on Allah inshaAllah things will improve.

    I will tell you one thing, not everything is perfect for me, like now my husband is unfair sometimes, but I’m not obsessed over it, that he feels bad and just apologises and try’s to make up for it, I know I’ll have the upper hand soon inshaAllah, my home is a sanctuary for my husband now. Before it was hell with how I treated him lol. I know he loves it here. He can’t get enough of me, I’m the girl of his dreams lol… okay that’s my positive thinking lol, even if I’m not I don’t know it just doesn’t upset me. I do get hurt at times but I everyday I do something about it even if it’s having a shower or do something to not sit a mope and feel sorry about myself.

  • Heartbroken

    May 17, 2017

    Salam All

    Ana, what you say is true. I am going about it the wrong way.

    Inshallah I shall read your advice again and again till it goes through my at-the- moment thick skull which seems to still focus on my husband instead of Allah.

    Thank you Gail. Will need to think about how to tackle the money situation. I am really not comfortable with her handling all the money.
    He has become so dependent on her that he actually asks HER to dish out the cash whether its for me or for expanding the business or just about anything, which I find highly ridiculous.

    I don’t understand why he just can’t handle the cash or whatever financial transactions himself. He doesn’t even know the passwords for the online transactions on his own debit and credit card.

    Apparently she likes to feel needed and do these things for him and he likes to indulge her as it makes her happy..

    Whatever!! All I told him once was..Ok let her handle the transactions, all the money..and what not but you also need to know the passwords.. I didnt even tell him that I wanted to know the password..just that its better that HE knows it too..and he got mad at me and started his usual nonsense that I am jealous and can’t see him trust her etc.. whatever.

    Ana, I think you are right in the sense that he is unhappy with not being able to leave me.. maybe if he had the balls to tell me he wants to leave me And doesn’t want me around anymore, I wouldn’t be left hanging like this.. cause I still have hope that he still loves me deep inside.. I will know for sure that he doesn’t want me. And MAYBE I can move on faster .. but then again..i don’t know how I will react now if he does leave me..

    I thought I will be OK with a divorce compared to what is happening at the moment. I really don’t feel it’s a marriage in any sense.

    But I think he seems to want me to initiate the divorce.. He seems to be waiting for me to walk out.. for some reason he doesn’t or can’t leave me so he wants me to make the decision and leave. Seems to go out of his way to be rude and show me he has no interest in the marriage.

    The old me would have packed up and left months ago over this kinda behavior… oh! Maybe that’s what pissing him off even more.. that I still won’t leave after all this… who knows lol..

    The co once mentioned that she didn’t want to be known as the woman who broke up our marriage which made it sound like she was less concerned about about our marriage and more about her concern about what ppl think of her.

    If that’s the case OK.. but at least don’t go crying in front of him saying she will sacrifice and leave him so that OUR marriage can work or some nonsense like that..pls woman.. cut the drama..my husband may fall for it..but I don’t!

    Whew..didnt mean to talk about her.. but that slipped out..

    Anyway I need to work on myself first..

    Khudahafiz all

  • Gail

    May 16, 2017

    Ana,

    I agree with you Trump has sure turned into a nightmare sense he has been in office.I really thought he was going to great but he is like all the rest just in there for his own agenda.I figure he will get us into a some huge war before long because after all he is a business man and War is BIG business.

  • Gail

    May 16, 2017

    Mar2,

    I hope it works out for u getting your extra night although it sounds like he is reluctant to shake the boat at home.I wouldn’t help him if he don’t give u some of the things u desire as well.It takes two to tango/Make a marriage.Did u ever find out if your cowife is Pregnant yet?

  • Gail

    May 16, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    Dang Girl I am really proud of u for taking a step towards independence!! I get where Ana is totally coming from as well with her words.I want to add something here we all have chapters in our lives and they range from great to down right horrible but the majority of us somehow manage to get through these trials in life and it makes us stronger and more compassionate people as a result.
    You are going through Hell right now but just try to remember this is only one chapter in your life story.
    This whole thing with your husband ok fine he is into your cowife today but as u start getting more independent and focusing on yourself and what u can do on your own and give your husband time to deal his new life with your cowife with the exception of the money situation( i wouldn’t let her near your money).I think eventually everything will smooth out and if it don’t then u will have to face the fact that your husband may very well be forced to pick between you and his second wife but as hard as it is to say this u should not focus on him and her because if your cowife is trying to dig a hole for you chances are she will be digging that hole for herself.U just try to focus on Allah/G.D and u keep doing the right thing because Allah/G.D commands this of us.
    Keep being a loyal beautiful wife u can’t go wrong doing that.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Flower,

    Your post to Shelly was short and sweet. Insha Allah, make a copy of it to re-post when another commentator comes to the blog talking about why her husband stays with his other wife and won’t divorce her. Nice!

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Flower,

    Sorry, I don’t know how I overlooked your post from this morning.

  • Flower

    May 16, 2017

    Shelly

    About the reasons he gives for being married to her. It doesn’t matter. Allah has kept them married for HIS reason(s) not your husbands.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    It’s wonderful that you want to learn to drivehttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Ask Allah to make it easy for you and to remove the fear from your heart. Allah says fear Him and Him alone.

    Fear is debilitating.

    You’ll be okay! It’s good you’re taking steps to do things that you want without waiting for or worrying about your husband. Good for you!

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    This Trump crap is driving me crazyhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif The United States is going down. Trump has begun our demise…

    I’m with the Saturday Night Live skit in which the person who played Judge Marilyn Milian said, “I just want one day without getting a CNN alert that scares the Hell out of me.” LOL

    I removed the video about Judge Milian because additional videos automatically played after it.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Mar2,

    Good for youhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gifYou have good negotiating skills. It’s about having leverage. So, now, lets see how it goes. It’s a win, win for you. You get an extra night or you go and do you (enjoy your vacation). Makes sense to me

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I’m just taking a guess, as I don’t know all about your marriage. It appears to me that he may be angry at you because he can’t bring himself to leave you. I don’t think he understands that Allah is in control. He’s controlling that your husband come home to you etc.

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    There are some Muslims who are of the belief that as long as the husband comes home and lays his head on the pillow it counts as shared time, despite how long or little the time is. It would mean that your husband hasn’t done anything wrong.

    Nonetheless, your husband should be kind and just to you. What are your thoughts about him perhaps divorcing you? Would you prefer he divorce you oppose to what he’s doing now?

  • anabellah

    May 16, 2017

    Heartbroken, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I read and re-read a portion of your post that was disturbing to me. You stated, “I do hope and pray that that he will love me the way he once did and to be fair in his time for me.
    If not, I sincerely pray that I reach a stage where I don’t care anymore what he does or thinks about me and am strong enough to take what Allah has decreed for me.”

    The “if not” got me. I got from it that your priority is for your husband to love you the way that he once did and that he will be fair in his time to you. If that- which is what you want first and foremost-doesn’t happen, then you’ll settle for being able to not care anymore about what he does or thinks and you’ll then want to be strong enough to accept what Allah decrees for you.

    It goes hand-in-hand with what I have spoken of about a woman who prays to Allah and wants to be on good terms with Him so that He will give her what she desires, what she wants – for her husband to love her and for things to be the way that they used to be.

    I must say that first and foremost, you should try to get closer to Allah to worship, serve and love and fear Him and want to accept His decree because it’s what He tells us to do. It’s not about doing it to get your desires met. It shouldn’t be followed by and “if” you don’t get what you REALLY want, I’ll take this….

    Additionally, getting to the point that you don’t care anymore isn’t about giving up and settling. I don’t know about Jasmina, as I can’t speak for her, but I can say that it doesn’t mean that a woman’s love for her husband isn’t there anymore and that she doesn’t give a f&*K about him and the marriage anymore because she’s done and can’t be bothered caring anymore. It doesn’t mean that. Rather it means she loves her husband the same or more than she had, but less than she loves Allah. She loves Allah and fears Him so much and she willingly wants to accept whatever Allah decides. She then become at peace because she has submitted to Allah’s will and she no longer have a will of her own. Allah says we should not will except as He wills.

    Of course, no one gets to that point over night without seeking knowledge and guidance from Allah and making her intent and effort to obey Allah. You have to begin somewhere.

    Until a person gets to the point of making life about Allah, she or he will suffer immensely. Life will be harder than it needs to be for her or him. If the person doesn’t get herself together before the Day of Judgement then she’ll find herself in the Hellfire.

  • Mari2

    May 16, 2017

    @Ana,

    You mentioned some posts ago about how I offered 2 time and then went back to M and decided that I wanted a more equity in his time. And you were correct in saying that. That is precisely what happened. And M,for whatever reason doesn’t seem to be on the same page as I with adding an additional night since according to him “they are going to give me a hard time.” Fine.

    However,today I mentioned to him via text that I had only 18 more days MASHALLAH until my big vacation. During this time I need to move from my current residence, find a new place, and spend some quality time with my children and parents.

    M’s response: good. Now you can spend more hours with me working in the store.

    Me: Sure..I may happily donate more hours to your business if I get an additional night with you.

    M: Hmmmm….we’ll see.

    Me: Yes…you will

  • Mari2

    May 16, 2017

    Salam to all,

    Marah S. It is not unusual for the birth of a child to change the dynamic in the relationship between a husband and wife. It’s normal, and the dynamic is fluid and can change as children age as well.

    Shelly…I don’t know why men try to pretend they are not intimate with other wives. Being so is lawful for them, so why pretend otherwise? It isn’t good when he shares details with one about another. And don’t ask what you really don’t want or need to know. I thought I would have issues with mine having intimate relations with 2, but I honestly dont. I was married before, I have kids, and prior to my first marriage I had dated. Plus I am older so the act of sex…I can take it or leave it. I am at a point in my life where I want to share travel, have meaningful conversations, explore new restaurants, discuss the Quran, pray together etc. Those are my definitions of intimacy and sadly enough, since 2 arrived, those things have fallen by the wayside.

  • Rosa

    May 16, 2017

    Ummof4

    Thank you so much for the advise you repeatedly gave about writing letters to ones husband and never giving them to him but throwing them out. It’s very therapeutic. I do it whenever I reach a breaking point. It saves me a million moments of regrets by not speaking everything that’s on my mind or bothering me. The beauty in the pen

  • Rosa

    May 16, 2017

    Marah S

    I totally and completely understand when you mentioned how things shifted between your husband and you after the baby. Like ummof4 mentioned we carry the baby for nine months so we have this unconditional love and connection with them. My husband definitely unintentionally got the back seat when my babies were born. I was in a zone. I was in my happy bubble just baby n me. Husbands can get a little jealous of the little one lol getting all the attention. But there’s for sure wisdom in polygamy. You get time to adjust to this new tiny human in your life and not feeling bad not being able to give your husband sex. The first few months you’re healing and for me sex was the last thing on my mind even after my forty days I was still sore. So glad he had an alternative.

  • Heartbroken

    May 16, 2017

    Salam All

    @ All.. I have decided to start learning how to drive once my kids school reopens after a couple of weeks.

    I hope I don’t get nervous and back out like the last couple of times..need to push through that mental block that has stopped me from learning to drive for the last 15 years of my life!

    Inshallah I will learn soon and learn well and start driving and get even more Independent! soon.

    Khudahafiz All

  • Heartbroken

    May 16, 2017

    Salam All

    Jasmina thank you for your advice.
    My marriage right now sounds right about how yours was.

    He comes home between 1am-3am on my nights.
    Doesn’t even come for dinner. Just comes home and sleeps.
    Then rushes out at 5am or 6am.

    Refuses mediation too.

    Only Difference is, he himself wants to spend time with the co desperately. My MIl is not forcing him to spend more time with her lol.

    He himself doesn’t want to spend time with me. That kinda hurts me more that no one is forcing him to not be with me. So no excuses or anyone to blame there Lol.
    He himself doesn’t want to spend time with me. He doesn’t even look at me anymore. Walks in the door looking at his phone. Kisses the sleeping kids and heads straight to bed.
    He even finished brushing his teeth there!

    So it’s like..Just to lie down and sleep here cause it’s your night kinda thing. No conversation , nothing.

    Was it like that for you too? So disconnected from each other?

    I will take your advice about Tahajjud prayers too. Thank you for the detailed reply.

    I pray to Allah to guide me to the right path and to peace. I would love to reach your level of peace and the I don’t give a crap attitude.

    I do hope and pray that that he will love me the way he once did and to be fair in his time for me.
    If not, I sincerely pray that I reach a stage where I don’t care anymore what he does or thinks about me and am strong enough to take what Allah has decreed for me.

    Thank you again.

    Khudahafiz

  • Jasmina

    May 16, 2017

    Rosa

    Don’t know if you know my story… but oh dear if you knew what else I’ve put up with. Lol. I can laugh about it now because my life isn’t about my husband anymore alhamdulillah.

  • Jasmina

    May 16, 2017

    I shall write more but my phone is about to die. Will be back.

    I’m so busy at the moment. That’s another tip, keep busy, get a hobby, a business, a job. In my case it’s a business.

  • Jasmina

    May 16, 2017

    @Heartbroken

    I tried everything! Nothing worked until I did the following.

    Think about your options at the moment, divorce and make a life you will enjoy or it could also go sour who knows, do nothing and stay in this situation for a long time to come, seek mediation by gathering his family and yours and if they cannot then an Imam or sheikh or someone with knowledge and not biased and include your wali, du’a. Next when you decide what to try, make istikhara, remember that istikhara is done once you made a decision and then if it is best for you Allah will make it easy inshaAllah and if not then change your direction or course of action and pray istikhara again and try again wholeheartedly.

    In my case my husband refused mediation and whilst he is wrig and it’s my right at the time he wouldn’t and it would have led to more problems, divorce was not an option as I didn’t have finances to leave and I wasn’t ready, I was suicidal and I had to do something so doing nothing wasn’t an option.

    I decided on turning to Allah by praying tahajjud to beg Allah to bring love in my husbands heart towards me and to make him be fair with me as at the time he would come home very late as he would spend his nights with her after work and come to me only to eat and sleep on my nights.

    So before starting my tahajjud prayers, I prayed istikhara about it. I said my decision is to pray istikhara for such and such reason etc, did thenistikhara du’a of course but I was very specific about my intention. THEN SubhanAllah something happened which caused me o wake up on time for tahajjud, it happened nights in a row. It was easy for me to wake up and stay up for prayer at that time of night. (I’m a deep sleeper) I cried my heart out and begged Allah for his help. I read Quran too.

    My life was pretty much 10x better within a week. Alhamdulillah.

  • Jasmina

    May 16, 2017

    Ana

    Yes my husband is sloooowllly getting himself stronger however he is a long way away. He has realised how much he is being manipulated which has built up our bond. A man can only take so much, this must be crushing his manhood. I’m trying to coach him and make him see for himself. He is becoming stronger and has more of a backbone buuut still we shall see about this latest episode. I’m really at a stage in my life where I just don’t give a f*** anymore and seriously I’m not accepting any excuse if he doesn’t wish to make up the time I’m out, ball is in his court, he can take it or leave it. We shall see, I do want to see what he does.

    I love him but I love myself more, I need to preserve me deem and mental state by any means.

    You are right we can’t plan out anything. I should know by now. I’m in my thirties and if I had it my way according to my time limits, I’d have 6 babies, retired and living it up with the perfect husband and home etc etc lol. It’s okay alhamdulillah I’m grateful for how my life turned out, there’s still a few wrinkles but we shall see how they get ironed out. Key is being content.

  • Flower

    May 16, 2017

    Wa alaykumu salaam Shelly

    Its great you’ve found this blog and its good to have you with us. The intimacy issue in polygamy is a big one for most women, I suspect if sex wasn’t a normal part of marriage not many women would mind sharing. I agree with Ana that ypu need to get rid of the thoughts as and when they come. I also agree with Gail that its very unlikely that a husband NEVER has sex with his wife. Do they live in a large enough house to even have separate rooms? Or would your husband really choose to sleep on the sofa instead of in their bed, it doesn’t make sense. I suggest you forget what he says they do or don’t do because most of time when a woman is struggling the husband tries to help by exaggerating the truth or straight lying. Two years is a very long time to not have sex with the person you live with and are married to. I wouldn’t believe him.

    Once I said to my husband something like “your over there (with his wife) having ‘fun’ while I’m here crying my heart out” his reply was “its not like that” he was trying to insinuate that he wasn’t intimate with her. This didn’t help in the slightest since now I could only think of ‘what if they have sex tomorrow or the next day etc’ I had to deal head on that he is intimate with his wife. Then some months later he told me she was pregnant. His nickname for a while was ‘super sperm’ because apparently he can impregnate a woman without having sex with her, LOL.

    The only way a man would disclose details (fact or fiction) about the other marriage is if the other wife is bugging him and prying into his other marriage. STOP IT, its nothing to do with you what goes on in his home, with his wife. The more you focus on them, the less you focus on Allah. Allah is the one who granted you a husband and allowed polygamy so you could have a husband and you think of them instead of thinking and being greatful to Allah. This is the root of your pain. Dont waste anymore time with thoughts of them.

    Once you accept polygamy in its entirety things will be a lot easier and you can enjoy time and intimacy with your husband as every wife should. Gail said it quite bluntly that you wouldn’t accept your husband sleeping separate from you etc, so why would you want that for another woman? You don’t need to answer that question to us, but to yourself.

    We’ll all be here to help and support you thought this transition of acceptance but you have put in the hard work by remembering Allah and shunning the devil.

    Chin up sis, brighter days are ahead inshaAllah. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • Gail

    May 16, 2017

    Ana,

    Yeah she for sure did the right thing to move on.There was no way that hubby was ever taking her back and she knew it 100%.The reason it took so long for to get remarried was because knowone was picking her up.I am sad that it had to be this way as it was not my first choice but I am doing ok with it.
    As far as Shelly’s Post I couldn’t resist!LOL I am not laughing at Shelly but it’s not like he isn’t living with the women and is in another country.Even I can’t say with 100% accuracy if my own husband didn’t have sexual relations with my excowife when my back was turned so to speak.It’s impossible to really say on such things with any accuracy.
    I know my excowife when she was really trying her hardest to get me to divorce hubby she came right out and said hubby was doing her at the inlaws house during the day.I told her straight OH THANKS G.D now I don’t have to feel guilty about him not giving you your rights!! Needless to say that Shut her up! It was funny though when hubby read her msg to me…he said WHATTT U told me to give her rights to her and I refused and now she is saying I did her at mom and dads!I told him straight I could careless if u guys did or didn’t.He said it’s not true though I said look she don’t know I told u to give her rights after u kicked her out.She thinks it was me that stopped u from giving her rights(which I never did).My case is not the typical normal deal sense they were both cousins and there was this HUGE family feud going on.She honestly don’t know the half of it.Even when I kicked him out of the house for 2 days when I finally let him in only because we didn’t have any food left.I asked him to bring her along for Pizza and he started cursing at me and told me NO WAY and it’s over with her as soon as his sisters wedding was over.Ughhh thinking about it just makes me want to vomit.One thing is for sure my husband is not Polygamous at all and one thing though all of this is I learned DON’T TRUST!!

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Gail,

    I know you had high hopes of you all becoming one big, happy family. However, I think your ex-co was wise to move forward with her life and remarry, as you know, your husband was having no parts of her. Apparently, he just wasn’t attracted to her and had no desire for her in any, shape, form or fashion. One can’t make oneself have feelings that aren’t there.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Gail,

    Based on all that I’ve heard from you and others on this blog about Pakistanis and how divorcees, especially those who have children are considered spoiled good, I’m not surprised that your ex-co may have married a young, poor, villager. I’d imagine it doesn’t look good that her children aren’t with her either. She apparently had to take what she could get based on how Pakistanis do things. If he is a drug user, I hope she doesn’t get mixed up in that. Sigh.
    https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_sad.gif

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Gail, polygamy 411

    Your post was soooo funny, but so, so very true. It made me laugh, however, you were directly point on.

    It would be nice if men would just man up and, for instance, say to a potential wife: I have a wife and children who I love and have no intention of leaving. I’d like you to be my wife as well. I intend to love and care for all my wives and children. I could respect and admire a man who is that way. I just can’t get with how men manipulate women, and the women go for that nonsense.

    Again, I love your post. You keep it real…

  • Gail

    May 15, 2017

    Ana,

    I totally agree with everything u said to Shelly.I was snooping around on my ex cowife brothers FB(curiosity got the better of me) and I am pretty certain I saw a pic of my excowife’s new husband!! Well unless her brother turned Gay and married a man then for sure it has to be ex cowife new man!He is a village boy well he might be a man not sure as I can’t tell his age but for sure he is around her age and much younger than my husband.I think it is good for her but I get the feeling from the way the man’s wedding attire he seems poor but on the flip side she will be living in the village with her mom and eldest sister is my thinking.I kinda was hoping she didn’t marry inside her village because I think most of the men there are druggies and smokers.I don’t think it is like bad if he is poor but knowing her the way I do I am not so sure how she will handle it long term.
    This is what I am thinking but I could be totally wrong about it all.

  • Gail

    May 15, 2017

    Shelly,

    Welcome to the blog! Let me ask u this in seriousness.U wouldn’t accept being treated by your husband the way he described the way he is treating his first wife correct? Then how do accept that she would let him mistreat her for 2 yrs?
    Also U know they had sex in the past unless those kids they have are adopted so obviously he finds her attractive in every way.Here is the thing in reality u should want the same for your cowife that u want for yourself and that goes for whatever religion u are(it’s just good morals).
    Don’t let yourself fall in the trap that u are more special than your cowife because that is your ego getting in the way of your common sense.Even if u don’t like your cowife still it’s no excuse to focus on what she is doing in her own bedroom with her own husband understand?My advice unless u three are going to live together and know everything that is going on I wouldn’t go there if u know what I mean.
    Put yourself in your husbands place.Say u were a man and had two wives and your first wife(the wife of your youth and your first everything) would u seriously not find her attractive when she cooks cleans and raising your beloved children? It’s not possible he is living with her unattended and not Spankin that @$$!!! Nope not possible if u ask me!

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Shelly,

    The best thing you could do is accept that he is married to her, and it doesn’t matter why, nor what they do with each other.

    I totally understand how you have difficulties with thoughts that he is intimate with his other wife. I know that those thoughts cause you pain. So, you ask how do you stop the thoughts. It’s not easy, and it will be an uphill battle for you.

    First, you must learn Islam by reading the Quran, which is the word of God. I’m assuming that you are Muslim.

    Satan is working on you. He’s doing his job, which he does well. Satan whispers to you about your husband and your husband’s other wife. Satan won’t let up on you unless you do what Allah says, which is to remember Him (Allah) and to seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. Allah says that remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without doubt.

    When you begin to put Allah first and don’t entertain the thoughts that come to your mind that are from Satan, you’ll eventually stop thinking about what your husband does with his other wife. Frankly, you won’t care what she and he does and don’t do with each other. If a thought about them comes to your mind, you’ll QUASH it almost instantly.

    One day, you’ll probably look back and shake your head in unbelief that you cared so much about something that makes no difference now LOL

    There is a remedies for everything that ails us. It’s in the Quran. Peace comes from obeying Allah and worshiping Him the way that He prescribes.

    If you have any other questions or want to share more, we are here. Perhaps others may have some words of wisdom for you as well.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Shelly, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Welcome to the 411, 🙂

    It’s nice to hear that you’ve been following the blog for a while now and like the advice that the ladies here have given. We try our best here to help one another.

    Based on what you’ve stated in your post, it appear you know that just because your husband says he isn’t intimate with his other wife, it doesn’t make it necessarily so. Who knows whether he is intimate with her or not. Who knows if he is with her now only for the children. Who knows if he and she have separate bedrooms. Unless she tells you from her own mouth that it is so, then don’t believe it. If someone whom she knows who is up close and personal with her tells you that she said it is so, you still can’t believe it, cuz things change. Just because it was so yesterday, doesn’t mean it is so today, or will be so tomorrow.

    Husbands do so much harm when they tell a wife about what they do with their other wives – information that should be private between a husband and a wife. Usually men will reveal that type of stuff or just flat out LIE like a rug when they are trying to convince other women to marry them. The other women practically always go for the okie doke. The men simply pull the wool over those women’s eyes. The women believe those men because they want to believe them.

    Polygamy doesn’t mean that a husband puts his other wife out to pasture or only stays with her for the children or any of the dozen of other excuses and reasons that he gives the other woman to persuade her to marry him. Polygamy is about a husband having more than one wife and living with each of them as husband and wife, which entail all the wifely and husband duties. It perfectly okay and expected that he would be intimate with and love all his wives. Polygamy isn’t for a marriage in which there are problems and again one wife doesn’t replace another.

    When I hear that a husband has told one of his wives that he is not intimate with his other wife or says he stays with her because of the children, or because she has mental problems, or she is sickly, or he pities her or whatever kind of jacked up excuse they come up with, it sickens me. It reminds me of unbelievers who cheat on their wives in adultery with mistresses that they have on the side. Polygamy in Islam is not about that. One wife does not replace another. Polygamy is an honorable way of living and it shouldn’t resemble what the unbelievers do.

    To be continued.

  • anabellah

    May 15, 2017

    Marah 2,

    I agree that there is probably a lot of wisdom in polygamy. There is probably more wisdom than we could possibly imagine. Furthermore, I’m with Ummof4 in being glad that you and your hubz got your mojo back https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You, as well, have the same wonderful blessings that you sent our way. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • ummof4

    May 15, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Marah S, your comment about husbands needing love, affection and atention was very insightful. Often wives are so concerned with their needs being met, that they forget about the needs of their husbands. We as mothers also forget that our connection with our children, particularly infants, is not the same as the connection between a father and an infant. We have carried the children in our bodies for nine months, the fathers have not. This is how Allah made us, Alhamdulillah. I’m glad that you and your husband have gotten your mojo back.

    Everyone have a wonderful day, week, month, year and life obeying Allah and asking for His mercy.

  • Shelly

    May 15, 2017

    Assalam alaykum sisters I have been following this blog for a while now and thinks it’s really amazing especially the advice

    I would like some advice on my own situation basically I have been a second wife for two years now my husband is still with his first wife of twenty years he has told me he is only with her for the children and sleep in seperate bedrooms etc i am finding it very difficult to be intimate with my husband knowing he is also intimate with his other wife it is really bugging me and getting me down how can I overcome this? Am I just being silly? Please advise me xxx

  • Marah S

    May 14, 2017

    Hello Ana,

    My little one is doing great, thanks for asking. She is just a little ball of laughter alhamdulillah she brings so much joy and excitement to our home.

    Having children really changes the ball game when it comes to marriage. I thought that having a baby would bring me and my hubby closer, but that was not the case. We did experience what some people call a “baby moon” when she was first born but after maybe two weeks , real life kicked in. I got so sucked up in motherhood to the point I barely paid my husband any mind, sex was so out of the question even after my waiting period. I was still in pain and was honestly scared to have sex.
    My husband was sooooo patient and understanding but even I started to feel bad for him, I had no time for him and no interest in him.

    It really gave me a new perspective on the wisdom of polygamy. Men need love, affection, and attention too, and children can really take that away from them. Over time we’ve gotten our mojo back, and adjusted to this new life where we can both really enjoy our little one, and each other.

  • Gail

    May 14, 2017

    Mari2,

    Yeah u pretty much summed it up! I agree the majority of the cases wives will need to live apart simply because of ego and jealousy etc…but on the other hand I never could do that myself sense we had kids involved.I refused to have the kids not grow up together and I stuck to my guns about it.My excowife she was to busy trying to get rid of me behind my back to care one way or the other.She acted like she wanted to be a family and even once asked hubby if she could stay in Pindi with us so she could serve him.At the time I didn’t know he was keeping her on the side.
    As far as your inlaws girl don’t worry about it thats just Pakistani people in general.My inlaws don’t do that but at the same time when I am in Pakistan not one of his sisters or mother ever asked me to go shopping with them.Now I could careless because I have my kids and I don’t have planning to go back to Pakiland anytime soon.
    Your MIL disgust me at how she treats you! I also hate going to Pakistan because everyone has head lice.That country is infested.

  • Mari2

    May 13, 2017

    @Gail,

    Honestly I believe that wives should just exist apart. Husband’s hope, or delude themselves into thinking that their wives can live as one happy unit. But, with a few exceptions, this rarely happens. Especially when the wives hail from different cultures. I try to be as understanding as I can. I am kind/civil. I even provide gifts, drive them places and what not, just because it’s a “Do right” situation. Oh they will happily accept what I share. But if they see me at mosque or when I come to work at the business, they give me cara de culo and pretend not to notice me. Last weekend I gave salams to my MIL and she looked at me like I had 3 heads and said nothing to me in return. From the people to whom I opened my home to, who then brought me bed bugs, that caused me almost 2 thousand dollars to eradicate. And M didn’t help me one whit with that btw. I get it now that it doesn’t matter to his family how I have helped M. What matters to them is them.

  • Tunis

    May 12, 2017

    Thank you Ana and Rosa for your kind and supportive words regarding my post.

  • Gail

    May 11, 2017

    Ana,
    Exactly I do hope she finds Happiness with her new husband and I also hope she does have more children.U won’t believe this but when she told me I got really angry with her for a few weeks( I don’t know why) I can only assume because I wanted so bad for it to eventually work out for us as a family but I also knew inside it would never be.Her resentment towards me came out loud and clear and It ended with me telling her to F..K off.Strange how one can have so many strong mixed emotions but it is what it is I guess.I am better now and have accepted everything and even have found peace with it.As far her and I ever having anything to do with each other in the future who knows.I do wish her the best.
    As far as My new Sis inlaw she is something else.After she got all info out of me and used it to insult my inlaws and my brother inlaw in front of her family she has disappeared from Fb.She is manipulating.I told my husband I am DONE with Pakistani sister inlaws.lol

  • Gail

    May 11, 2017

    Hearbroken,
    Thanks for explaining your situation more in depth it gave us all a very clear picture of whats going on.U have already extended your hand to her and she has bit it so yeah there is no need to deal with her at this point.It’s clear enough she is wolf in sheep’s clothing so to speak.Hey don’t feel bad though I had the same crap happen with me with my excowife who happened to be my husbands 1st cousin.That girl stabbed me in the back whenever she could and my husband was also stupid and believed her.It wasn’t until she cooked her own goose by husband catching her in a serious serious lie that he had enough and gave her talaq and sent her packing.
    I will tell u a secret normally in these situations where a cowife digs a hole for another cowife she herself will fall in that hole.So as long as u are living a morally clean life I honestly think u are fine for the long run.U will have to lay down the law about the kids to your husband unless because eventually she will get angry and spout off something negative about u or the kids to your husband.U do what u want but I would never let my children go with a woman that is being manipulating and it’s very clear she is.
    Don’t feel like all hope is lost either u are going through one of life’s storms and sooner or later(usually later) things will even out after the new wears off of their relationship.I don’t know how long they have been married but if he is listening to her so much it seems they are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship.Also I will warn you if she is working with him and helping him out at his business she does have the upper hand because she has figured out how to manipulate him even at work(thats the only suck part).I think her being involved in his business(knowing the inside secrets) is crazy on your husbands part because she is setting everything up to where she knows where every penny,nickle and dime goes.Also I think she is very smart because if u look at everything logically she is working to get everything in her hand.I agree with u she wants u gone.She don’t really want the kids but she knows she has no choice but to get them because they are what stands in the way of her getting rid of you eventually.She knows hubby will not divorce u because of the kids and he has told her as much I would assume.I think u are taking a huge risk to let her near your kids because I have a feeling she will cause problems to try to get u and hubby to separate.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Gail,

    God willing, she’ll find some happiness with him. You all went through so much over the years. At least she’s not looking for your husband to come back to her anymore. It should be a relief for you and your hubz 🙂 Perhaps she’ll have more children as well.

  • Gail

    May 11, 2017

    Ana,

    I don’t think it’s a cousin marriage because the neighbors didn’t mention it being a family member and when she told me she also didn’t mention it but anything is possible.Everything will be clear when my inlaws go back to Pakistan.I seen a picture of who I think she married and it’s clearly a village person.I seen a marriage picture on her brothers FB page and I am pretty sure it is the new hubby.Also he looks young around her age so I think that is good for her but I have no idea about his character or anything about him.I get the feeling though he is uneducated and I think he was doing the talking for her when I chatted with her online sometimes.Lets see how it turns out but it seems he is a simple boy from her village.

  • Rosa

    May 11, 2017

    Jasmina

    You tolerate an awful lot. There’s just not that much love in the world to put up with what you’re putting up with. But to each their own. May Allah be pleased with all our efforts Ameen

    JUMMA MUBARAK TO ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES

  • Rosa

    May 11, 2017

    Tunis

    Your post is very inspiring. I admire your style of writing. I applaud you for doing the best you can. I think you’re at a point where you need to let go and let God. You don’t have to have answers to everything right now. Just go with the flow, take one day at a time. Allah will make things clear to you when the time is right. Take care of yourself Tunis sis, spirituality and mentally. You will be okay. You know what time it is already you just have to accept and hand over all your pain and confusion to Allah. Speak with Him during those special hours of Tahujjud when most are asleep and it’s quiet no interruptions. Just you and Allah

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Dear Sister Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I read your post over again. It’s awesome. I’ve included the link here because it’s a good post for us all to read or re-read. Tunis’ Post
    It appears you’re on the right track, dear sister. Insha Allah, we’ll all get where we need to be sooner than later…

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Jasmina,

    I am so happy that you are no longer depressed as you were before, and you now have come out of the tunnel and into the light. Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

    If you’re back in love with your husband and want to remain in the marriage, just go with the flow. Don’t think that your husband can do anything other than what Allah has written for him. It’s Satan who whispers to you that your husband is taking advantage of you etc., etc. etc. You know the situation, and if you are willing to deal with it so that you can remain married to the man whom you love, then, so be it. As you stated, you’ve made your intention not to divorce him. Allah lets us know that it’s okay for spouses to come to an amicable friendly agreement so that they can remain married and not divorce. There is nothing wrong in what you’re doing, if you intend it and are content with it.

    You said you’ll give him a year to get himself together and make up his mind or make up the time. Well, I suggest you don’t put a time limit on it. Allah decides; we don’t. Just be patient and wait and see…It may go past a year or less than. Allah knows best. We put time limits and such on things, but it usually never happens as we plan. For instance, people say, I’ll get married in the next how many ever years, or I’ll have a baby next year or I’ll buy a house in how many ever years, or I’ll leave my job in this amount of years. It’s all speculation and a waste of time. It all happens when Allah decides.

    A lot of the time we spend valuable time wasted in planning the future. One thing we can be assured of, and it’s death. We can plan for it by striving for Jannah/Paradise or for the Hell Fire. focusing on this worldly life takes us on the path to the Hell Fire.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Sakina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I thought your name sounded familiar, so, before welcoming you, I checked to see if you had commented on this blog before. You did back in January 2017 on a different theme. It is good to have you back with us 🙂

    I re-read your post, and I absolutely love it. Hence, I’ve put a link here for all to read what you said, as what you said is way important. Furthermore, you said it so eloquently. The link is:

    Sakina’s Post

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Jasmina,

    I would love to hear you tell us that your husband has made up the time with you that he said he would. I just have a difficult time believing that if he couldn’t say no thus far to not staying additional time with his other, in compliance with his mother’s wishes, that he will give you time that will take from his other at a later time. They don’t want you in the picture to begin with. So, do you really think she won’t kick and scream about it, and he won’t listen to her?

    You may have to just kiss that time goodbye and start fresh. Allah knows best. He is a doer of what He wills. We know He won’t change our condition until we change what is in our hearts. Will your husband change his habit of obeying mommy dearest and his other when they are wrong?

    Your husband would need to make his intent to be his own man and not let his mother, her mother and his other rule him. It’s a tall order. Based on all you’ve ever said, I don’t think he’s got it in him. At least, he doesn’t have it in him right now, as far as I can see.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Marah S,

    I hope your little one is well and all is good 🙂

    Thank you for sharing about your awakening/experience with accepting all of the Holy Quran. I must say I can relate to your experience of being unhappy when you weren’t accepting of it. I felt the exact same thing. Although, I married someone who said he’d not become polygamous, I knew I was wrong in not liking polygamy and not wanting it to be a part of my life. I often thought about how wrong I was and feared not being accepting of what Allah allows would prevent me from entering Jannah. It wasn’t a chance that I wanted to take. The thought of not accepting the Quran because I rejected polygamy although I wasn’t living in a polygamous marriage plagued me.

    Alhumdulliah, I was put in a position to accept it for which I am truly grateful to Allah. There is nothing holding me back from entering Janah/Paradise now. I know I’m not guaranteed to go there. I do have the assurance that I will go there because as far as I can see (which isn’t very far), I’m accepting of the entire Quran. In NO WAY I am saying that I’ve got it all together and I am doing all things right, cuz it’s not the case. For instance, I struggle with things such as having love for people (my biological family) who don’t serve and worship Allah – people Allah tells us not to love. Nonetheless, I think I’m doing my level best to stay on the Mustaqueen and pray that Allah places me back on the straight path (Mustaqueen) if I veer off it.

    Again, Marah S, thank you for sharing with us…

  • Tunis

    May 11, 2017

    No im not doing good…..those words i wrote are what i think i want or need to aspire to….what could or should be the solution…i think im trying ..but i keep screwing it up…..according to good ole hubby!

  • Serena

    May 11, 2017

    Salam

    Heartbroken

    InshaAllah one day your huaband will see his other for what she truly is. Sister work on yourself. Your husband is acting like a child who has got a new toy. At the moment he is so into her and is willing to let you go.

    I understand from your post that you have tried to reach out to your co but it doesn’t seem like she wants that happy family with all of you. Allah knows the truth. You did your bit and it’s not selfish of you for not wanting to meet her.

    Allah is aware of all the injustice and hurt that you are suffering and remember Allah does not like oppression.

    If you are not going to get mediation than your situation may stay like that for a while. When your husband looks moody or upset don’t ask him what is wrong. Give him salam and keep what you say to him to a minimum. Don’t show him when you are upset.

    Are you neglecting some of your duties as a Muslim. As well as tbe fardh as someone already suggested read sunnah or voluntary (nafl) prayers. Talk to Allah. Really pour your heart out to Allah. Ask Him to help you move forward.

    I would be very careful about letting kids go with her. If your kids get on well with her she might use your kids to her advantage. She could get information out of them. Like ask them how the situation is at home do mum and dad argue/shout at each other etc. To find out what’s happening in your home. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

    You know hearts will only truly find peace in the remberance of Allah and I hope you find that peace.

  • Heartbroken

    May 11, 2017

    Salam
    Jasmina.. wow.
    I would love to hear your story and how you managed to turn things around and reach personal peace. Pls do share

    Thank you.

  • Jasmina

    May 11, 2017

    Heartbroken

    I haven’t read many of your messages but little I have read I can tell you right now she wants you gone and she’s completely manipulating your husband. You need to smarten up. Stop reacting to her BS and you will already be one step ahead.

    I’ve been through everything you went through. Read my messages, I could never bring up my co name because my husband would accuse me of trying to hurt her. It took a looong time for him to realise the truth. She dug a whole so deep she fell into it and now my husband trusts me and believed everything I ever told him. One of the things I used to do was record my conversations with her and send it to him immediately and told him that is what it’s come to because he doesn’t believe me. He stopped accusing me of bullying her and what not. I also used to be accused of not trying enough to be friends etc. it was so hard for me. It was a never ending cycle of fighting.

    Alhamdulillah I was able to break out of that cycle and now my husband is a lot nicer to me. The other is still manipulating him with time but not as much as now he sees what her intentions are so she resorted to use his mom to manipulate him and he never says no to his mom so therefore it’s set us back a little but I’m worki through it. I deserve my marriage and my husband and so does my child. I worked very hard to build my family and many years of building a friendship with my husband that I decided I won’t let no brat ruin that, if I leave it’s because I want to get the heck out of here not because that woman decided I should be gone. So far I’m here to stay andbim happpy despite her trying so hard to get rid of me. Believe me she has tried everything and still manages to come up with crafty things that leaves me scratching my head wondering where she even gets so many ideas from like shaytan inspires her or something.

    Stay strong, if you want me to share how I managed to turn thinngs around let me know.

  • Jasmina

    May 11, 2017

    Thanks Ana… happy to be back. I’ve missed being here. I won’t be leaving my husband over this however this is my final year before I make my final decision. I know he will come back but I’ll have to see if he will make up the time, that will play a huge role in my final decision.

    Anyhow the important thing is that I’m feeling great and not depressed like I used to be, I rarely cry now and am usually never upset. My husband calls everyday and send me lots of sweet messages. I’m frankly deeply in love with him again alhamdulillah and he has softened his heart towards me. This is after a whole two years of dealin with a husband that pretty much hated me, kinda like heartbroken’s husband is to her now. I can o my thank Allah for the change, I prayed lots and Allah answered my prayers.

    Also I said months… I meant weeks. 2 weeks. Oops. Goodness I hope he’s not away for two months.

  • Heartbroken

    May 11, 2017

    Salam all
    Serena, yes I am focused on him and I am going to try harder to turn focus away from him and focus on Allah.

    As for a mediator he had refused to speak to his father as well when his father saw that things were not going right. I didnt ask my FIL to speak to him. He did it himself and was shot down.

    As for the office, after she created a ruckus that I made her feel odd or uncomfortable he told me to stay away from coming to work as she is always with him there or he in her house and he didn’t want any uncomfortable situations.
    And I am ashamed to admit I agreed to stay away to keep the peace.

    As for the day it was raining I has tried calling for a cab all the while I waiting which is for more than an hour which is WHY I had to resort to calling him
    If i had got a cab I wouldn’t even call him as he had already made it clear in those days not to see depend on him for anything anymore.

    So calling him was my last resort that day as opposed to the earlier days where I would have called him first and in case he couldn’t make it then wait for a cab till the rain stopped.

    When I tried to stop him taking the kids without me he said they were HIS kids too.

    Yes I am the cause I am not able to move forward. I am not able to figure out what exactly I fear so much if I stand up for myself. It’s not physical abuse. Its not that I can scared about the financial implications either.

    I have not been able to understand that about myself yet.

    Thank you Flower. What powerful words from you. Right from the he is not worth it post.

    Thank you Jasmina for your post. Have not tried your method yet. Will def think about it dear sister.

    Thank you Ana and Gail and Sakina and Marah.
    Will read everything again.
    It gives me strength to read again.

    Will start looking ahead. I cannot keep falling like this.

    Khudahafiz all

  • Serena

    May 11, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Sister you really need to wake up. Like Gail said you are going to give yourself a mental breakdown. Already you getting nosebleeds which could be a sign of high blood pressure.

    You are oppressing yourself by not moving forward. What do you fear? Do you fear that your husband might divorce you? Remember Allah is the protector. Put your trust wholeheartedly in Allah and deal with this matter the way the quran says when there are problems in a marriage.

    Are all your kids in school during the day? If so go and help out in the office too. Maybe an hour or two. That way you get to spend time with husband and you can tell him you are doing it to get to know the new wife better. Or maybe get her to baby sit while you go to help out in the office for a bit.

    They are your kids too so like someone suggested when he is going to take kids out with her tag along too. After all he is the one who wants you all to be one big happy family. If he refuses don’t let your kids go.

    You said you can’t figure her out if she is genuine or manipulating. I think with your experience with her you know the answer to that.

  • Serena

    May 11, 2017

    Salam

    All seem to be giving similar advice to Heartbroken about making it about her and her relationship with Allah. She has been told over and over again to not think about what the co is doing and to take her focus away from her husband and other wife.

    Many times Heartbroken has been told to get a mediator to which she responded that her husband thinks it’s a private matter.

    You and only you with help of Allah can change your situation. You seem to be stuck in your situation and there are solutions but you are not trying them.

    Do you live in a type of country where woman is completely dependent on her husband and where the woman has no voice?

    You do want your situation to improve so what if your husband says it’s a private matter. You go amd get someone to mediate. By doing that your husband will realise you are no longer going to accept his or her behaviour.

    You seem obsessed with what new wife and your husband are doing and how they arw hurting you. Let them be. Take care of yourself.

    You mentioned a time a cab was waiting for you so you had to rush talking to your co at the office. Why couldn’t you just get a cab that day it was raining and husband couldn’t give you a lift.

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get a grip and take the advice the sisters are giving to you. Sorry as I don’t mean to sound cruel or harsh.

  • Sakina

    May 11, 2017

    Salam Alaykum, heartbroken ur situation is so difficult, i would search a mediator. Your husband is blinded, and he realy doesnt know his responsibility to the family. He behaves like a little child. I dont know if u can save ur marriage, when he does not see his actions as failure. I would not so much compare what the other wife has, but the behavior from ur husband is not ok. I think maybe another person(a man) can open his eyes inshallah. Contact a local imam, talk with him and see if u can meet all together or something like that. There are councellour for marriage,muslims too. I see the problem also for the child. How these nonsense will impact the child? When u play his,her game, maybe he will change but its only a matter of time when the next problem arise and the tortue begins…
    Or what is with ur family, invole his mother, father in law.I think without help from another person from outside there is no hope, only if Allah will. Its a pity because he was before a good husband, but sometimes its not only a test for us women, its a test for men also. Maybe its the bigger test for him because second leads him a dangerous way, and he doesnt see the danger. When he continue to live so, then it is what it is, dont live in the past(good times) and deal with the reality. At one point u will know through Allah which way to go. For me it was helping me to imagine, that even if a marriage fail, Allah is big it can be a new beginning, and Allah can give u something better. So loose not ur hope but go the way Allah shows u even when its very hurtful.

  • Heartbroken

    May 11, 2017

    Salam All

    One more thing, I may sound selfish but I actually have no Interst in meeting her again at least not with the way I feel at the moment.
    I had earlier thought forget that meeting move on from it and MAYBE we can meet again in future..
    But I am not there yet.

    But with the way things are turning out I dont feel like making a move about it anytime soon.

    IF she is so gung ho about being a family and meeting me she is very welcome to call or msg me from her end instead of complaining to my husband that she is lonely and wants to be a part of the family or whatever it is she seems to want.
    Hope she realizes that being a the family she wants to be a part of has ME in it!!

    Does she expect me to give her the red carpet treatment now?

    I backed off completely and decided that am not meeting her again unless it’s unavoidable ..

    If I was wrong about her so be it but I didn’t have the capacity to think about being friends with her etc.. I was grappling with my own marriage…

    I will not say no if the offer comes from her end..

    But you never know.. I am pretty much known to be the accommodating one LOL and I think it will be me making the move to invite her in the future and not the other way round.

    Khudahafiz all

  • Heartbroken

    May 11, 2017

    Salam all
    I also wanna clarify

    When co said ..She doesn’t seem happy..dont ask or force her to stay.. if she is unhappy let her leave etc…
    She was talking to my husband about ME..
    SHE was giving advice to my husband not to ask me to stay as I am unhappy so it’s better if if leave.
    Like I need advice from her!
    Hubby never asked me to stay or leave. He said it’s my decision but he still loves me.

    And she gave this advice like as if she was worried about me being unhappy with their marriage so she has my best interests at heart and wanted my happiness…and the idiot that my husband was totally fell for it and tells me that she is concerned about me and doesn’t want to force me to accept polygamy!

    And that i don’t seem to have any concern about her and her situation and her supposed trauma she is going thru and when I say her problems are her own and not mine he sees red and calls me selfish..

    Thanks for the concern co

    I just can’t figure her out. Is she genuine or is she just manipulating us?

  • Marah S

    May 11, 2017

    Ana & Gail

    You guys mentioned something interesting about if a Muslim woman rejects polygamy will it cause her grief.

    Back in the day when I first got married, I was a devoted feminist and deeply against polygamy, the thought of it would would send me into furious rants! Just the word “polygamy” was enough to ruin my whole day. Yet somehow I managed to convince myself that somehow I was actually accepting of polygamy as long as it wasn’t happening to me. I lied to myself for a long time and just this one issue put stress on my whole life. I felt a deep feeling of something missing in my heart. I developed Moderate anxiety and depression. I didn’t feel close to Allah, I had trouble praying and fasting. I was unhappy in my marriage even though my husband was and is everything I ever wanted in a partner.

    The strangest thing as well, Ive been reading Quran in Arabic and mastered tajweed since I was very young, but every time I would get to the ayat in Surah An-Nisa I would immediately start stumbling over the words, and couldn’t get it right for the life of me.

    One day I woke up for night prayer and I sat there, just thinking and crying wondering why I was so unhappy when I had everything I ever wanted in life. And I was finally able to be honest with myself. I felt empty because I hadn’t accepted islam in its entirety, I can say that as far as I know I Had accepted Every part of Islam except polygamy, I hated polygamy whether it was happening to me or not. I had a deep rooted fear that I may one day end up in polygamy which made me resent men, marriage, my husband, and myself. I didn’t like the decree of Allah, and that was my ugly truth. Maybe it was Allah’s way of punishing me because I was miserable all those months or maybe it was Allah’s way of saving me. All I know is that so many Muslim women die hating this part of Islam without ever confronting themselves and that’s not a state I would want to die in.

    Long story short it took A LOT of shelf discipline, work, sacrifice, and submission to get to where I am now. I can honestly say, I don’t think I am 100% where I want to be. Often times when I hear of someone getting a second or third wife, my first reaction is always shock, or internal disapproval. Sometimes I have to go back and condemn myself, and rectify myself. This blog has certainly been a big part of my process, I still have a long way to go.

  • Marah S

    May 11, 2017

    Hello all, it’s been a loooomg time!!!!

    @heartbroken

    I’ve just skimmed some of your posts not done reading yet but if I’m understanding your situation correctly boy are these people annoying!! Why not invite her to move in your house then, and while she’s at it, she can sleep right in between you and your husband at night, that way she never has to feel lonely again. This is sarcasm btw! But seriously. You are all adults right? You don’t have to be friends with someone if you don’t want to, she sounds extremely immature, tell her shoo fly! Go find another babysitter. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

    Some more practical advice, if you really don’t want to deal with this woman on a personal level at this time, tell your husband, her extreme feeling of loneliness is because of her lack of iman. She should never feel alone if she knows in her heart that Allah is always watching her and ready to answer her prayers at any moment if she is sincere. That alone should be soothing to the heart of a true believer.

    I don’t think you have come to terms 100% with polygamy yourself. Your husband is being selfish. You need to be honest with him and tell him that no, you have not 100’% come to terms with polygamy, you’re still struggling. You’ve been monogamous for 10 years, how can he expect you to jump into this new lifestyle in a blink of an eye. Change is a process for everyone no matter what that change is, and polygamy is a huge change. Tell him that you’re working on it, and when you wake up one day and truly feel 100% confident and content with your new lifestyle it will be because of your love for Allah and for Islam NOT because you want to indulge HIM and make HIM happy! He is not your lord!

    If she wants to waste all her sacrifices by doing them just to make him happy, that’s her loss and that’s the very reason she’s so unhappy, her intentions are backwards. But you should have a more valuable purpose, one that will be fruitful for you, in this life and the next. Thats how you come out on top, by being more pious, but you need to be sincere.

  • Rosa

    May 11, 2017

    That’s a lot of cousin marriage whew

  • Heartbroken

    May 11, 2017

    Salam All
    I haven’t read all the posts yet. I wanna reply to Gails before I forget as there are quite a few after her.

    You asked me if she is manipulative or do I just hate her for no reason etc.

    When I first found out I was really depressed and hurt. Husband told me that she was very aware that he has a wife and kids and still agreed to marry him and she had no intentions of breaking us up etc.

    So while I was grappling with the situation and trying to move ahead my husband was right beside and there was no interference from her side. At one point my husband and I were really even getting closer.
    We were also having deep discussions about moving forward the Islamic way and discussing and reading from the Qur’an. It was actually quite wonderful except for the heartbreak but I was getting there.

    So one day I happened to drop by his office for some documents. I didn’t expect to see her there and I said a very cordial Salam to her ..did my paperwork said khudahafiz to them and left.

    Two days later same thing happened had to drop back more paperwork. This time was in a rush as a cab was waiting outside so hurriedly did my work. Said a quick Salam to her and khudahafiz and left.
    At no point did I ignore her or was rude to her. But I was in a hurry..

    Couple of weeks later..started the she wanted to hang out with my kids etc..
    The first time I heard that really pissed me off.. really?
    Meet The kids without me..without asking me if I was OK with that?
    So anyway..when my husband was taking them I said I wanna come along too.
    He was lil uncomfortable but he said Ok as we might as well meet with the kids around so it isn’t so serious..
    I get ready. We head out. En route he calls her to tell her I am coming along too..

    I hear a long silence from his side as she prattles on about something.
    Then he stopped the car and says it’s better I don’t come along.
    Annoyed I ask why?
    Apparently the last time I met her I made her feel extremely uncomfortable and that it was very awkward between us.
    I had spoken to the staff there longer than I spoke to her and she felt very disrespected about that.
    I told him that as I hadn’t met or spoken to the staff in a long time HE was asking me questions about how I am, general questions and we exchanged pleasantries.

    But anyway if it was awkward between us then isn’t it better we meet in a comfortable situation with him and the kids around?
    He agrees and calls her.
    She refuses and tells him them that actually I was uncomfortable around her so she doesn’t want to make me feel bad and that I won’t like being around her!!
    Huh?
    So hubby says listen its getting complicated now. I can meet her some other time..
    So she had already decided for me that I will not feel good and I won’t like meeting her etc..
    Anyway by then I was already upset and decided not to push the issue.

    The next and last time I met her was when I dropped by the office with the kids.. She was sitting there and just stared at me. I found that weird…but decided enough is enough. Let me make the first move and since for whatever reason she felt I was unfriendly let me talk to her.
    I asked her out for coffee.
    She said Ok. I left the kids with hubby and we spoke.
    I explained that all this was a shock to me as expected and I will take time to heal but I have no ill will toward her. That i was still hurt but am trying to move forward and since we love the same man it would be better that we have a cordial relationship too. Inshallah it will happen one day and I hope the next time we meet we can meet happier and with kids. As a family.
    And at that point I really meant my words.
    She was smiling and talking to me well and agreed and said she was so happy that I was so nice about it etc.
    I left more positive and he seemed happy that we talked and SHE seemed happy in front of me.

    Next day hubby comes home in a foul mood.

    I asked him what happened. He says why did I insist on meeting her alone?
    That next time onwards he has to be present too.
    Apparently she felt I was really unhappy that she was in his life and I was faking the whole conversation and that I was doing this and forcing myself to accept this marriage as I felt like I don’t have a choice and that it doesn’t bore well for all of us with my attitude and that at every poi t she could MAKE OUT that I wanted her gone! That I literally told her to GET LOST..

    I saw RED!! I told him if that was the case why the hell was she smiling and agreeing to what I said and that he himself saw that she looked and was quite happy after we spoke..
    He said that she was upset inside but was putting on a brave face for him and out of RESPECT for me she didn’t speak up!

    I was so so so mad. Kept repeating the conversation in my head..
    But I know for sure that I did not tell her to get lost or go away or whatever the hell she was accusing me of.
    Then he says that the next time we speak it has to be in his presence so that I don’t bully her!

    I explained my hurt feelings and me said I need time and space and to not take anything personally it’s just me working my way through this.
    We even laughed and joked that Inshallah we would leave him behind one day and go on a shopping trip to New York or Bangkok!

    I dunno how and where she felt I had slighted her but I lost whatever Interest in meeting her again.

    He didn’t know who to believe but said that it’s better he is around when we meet next.

    So the next time she wanted to hang around with my hubby and kids she tells him straight up before hand not to bring me as I would FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE and that she didn’t want an awkward situation around the kids etc.

    He agreed and by then was already turning away from me and only listening to what she said..
    So I gave up insisting on being there as well.

    So what she continues doing is pretending to do things to Sacrifice for me like not going to my in laws house when I was there (it was only twice)
    And she makes such a big deal about it.. about her being a daughter in law too nut she will stay away because of me as I wouldn’t like it.

    So she decides when I will feel uncomfortable when I won’t like something ..
    I told my husband instead of making a big hue and cry about doing something for me.. how about texting me and asking me HERSELF if I would like something or not and let me answer for myself..

    If she really did want to be nice she could text me and ask me if it’s ok that she hang around with my kids..
    But no!
    I decided I don’t have anything more to say to her till I get stronger and better so I can handle her behavior.

    So I stayed away. She fills my husbands head by saying…SEE THE TRUTH FOR WHAT IT IS..
    She is unable to accept this marriage.
    She doesn’t want me around..

    So all the while my husband was slowly changing I was going crazy emotionally with his change in behaviour toward me and he started thinking I had a problem with polygamy whereas I was grappling with his change towards me..

    She started her I am feeling lonely SH%$ around the time after we met and things just went downhill from there on..

    I think she doesn’t have the guts to ask my husband to leave me as he had made it very clear to her to her in the beginning that he won’t. ( now is a different matter tho)

    Also, she tells him..She doesn’t seem happy. Dont ask her or force her to stay in the marriage.. if she is unhappy she should leave as everyone deserves happiness and if she is miserable here it’s not fair on her to stay on..
    Hmmmm

    See what she is doing? Talking like as if she is concerned about my happiness.
    But nobody is forcing me to stay! I am staying out of love for him. Out of my own free will.
    But I bet she hopes I leave!

    More importantly she had made very big promises to him that she always wants to see us together and we have a wondrful family and she was happy to share him.

    But I think she has realized she doesn’t wanna share him. And she is using the kids to try and get even more closer to him. And while she cannot outright tell him to leave me she can and has screwed things well enough for me that he may not leave me but he sure doesn’t care about me or want me but stays around for Allah knows what.

    She used to keep making statements saying that if I am so unhappy with their marriage she will leave as she cannot see him unhappy which made him tell her that I am free to leave if I am not happy. She can stay put. Yeah right!
    Drama much? Make this big hue and cry about losing everything for him and then walk away?
    Really? And he actually fell for it!
    Suffice it say she hasn’t mentioned it again.

    I have couple more Incidences where she manipulated situations but I think I have spoken about her enough.
    But I don’t even care about her drama anymore.

    What hurts me most is that this man who has known me for so so long can so easily be manipulated against me and stand against me today. He knows me so well but if he believes the shit she is pulling and believe this nonsense about me, where is the hope in our marriage?

    Anyway I could be mistaken about her. But this is what went down. And maybe in my emotional state I thought wrong about her and maybe even handled the situation better. Who knows.

    I don’t hate her. But I don’t trust her.

    Also, when my father in law spoke to her very very cordially inviting her to the family and said she will be treated fairly like a daughter in law just like I was .. she somehow managed to complain to my hubby that he was favouring me in some way and didn’t make her feel welcome!

    And that I had complained to my FIl about her.

    I asked my FIL to sort out the issue as I had never spoken or complained to him about her.. EVER.

    Don’t know what happened after that as I did not ask about the issue agian.

    So these things make me not trust her.
    I tho k she might have entered with a different mindset and now wants things differently.
    If she has a problem with her family..tjat is her issue. Handle it. SHE chose to marry a married man. Stand by it.. don’t create drama about loneliness and strife try and take MY FAMILY away from me. So she has high hopes if she wants to play happy family now..
    But her idea of a happy family is without me! Just the kids and my hubby and her!

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Gail,

    I’m sorry, but I’m flabbergasted that your sister-in-law who has MS and is in a wheelchair said she would rather divorce than live in a polygamous marriage. It’s astonishing!

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Gail,

    You had mentioned that your ex-co said she remarried, but you hadn’t confirmed it. Previously she was to marry another cousin. Do you know if it happened? Did she marry a cousin?

  • Gail

    May 11, 2017

    Ana,

    I’m not certain if I told u or not but my excowife got married recently.

  • Gail

    May 11, 2017

    Ana,

    When my sister inlaw told me she would rather divorce than accept Polygamy I was so taken aback esp sense she is so ill.Even I told her straight I don’t want her thinking Polygamy is bad(she was asking me about mine and hubby and excowife situation)and u would not believe but she went off on my Brother inlaw in front of her parents cutting him and the family down which my brother inlaw got shocked.Needless to say his marriage is not going well.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Sister Tunis, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I missed you and Jasmina. She just got back too.

    It’s so good to hear from you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

    I loved reading your post. I’m with you on all that you said. You sound to be doing so good. I’m glad you’re well and you’re back 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Rosa,

    I think a major problem is that many Muslims who are in polygamous marriages don’t live Islam. It’s not only about them being in polygamous marriages. Before they entered polygamous marriages, they didn’t live Islam. Many people are Muslim in name only and don’t offer the salat nor do any of the other things that Allah commands us to do. Neither do they believe all that we are commanded to believe that makes one a believer. Then they come here to the blog and we’re talking about something they probably don’t even know about and are hearing it all for the first time. I remember one sister-in-faith who was here say that she hadn’t heard the stuff that we were talking about. If the Muslims don’t know their Islam, they will have torment and agony that Allah says they will have. It won’t be about tests, it will be about punishment. For some being placed in a polygamous marriage whether male or female may be a blessing or it may be a curse. Only Allah knows.

  • Rosa

    May 11, 2017

    Ana believe me if all three of them were sitting right in front of me I would give the advise I gave heartbroken I would give it to her co instead but only heartbroken is here. I don’t think asking all those whys will improve her condition but make it unbearably worse. She’s the only one here out of the trio so I think at this point she has to take a deep breath and dive in.

  • anabellah

    May 11, 2017

    Gail,

    When I was out earlier in the day, yesterday (It’s now 12:30 am here), I read what you wrote about your brother-in-law’s wife and I was in a state of SHOCK. His wife has MS, and she is against polygamy? How arrogant and haughty of her, I thought. SMH It’s very selfish of her as well. I certainly don’t think she should suggest that her husband take on another wife, BUT if he were to come to her and say that he’s interested, one would think she’d consider it. UNBELIEVABLE. It’s just go to show that many people are all about SELF. How sad…

    About Heartbroken, I’m waiting for her to enlighten us. I know no more than you do. I just based what I’ve said about her co on what Allah tells us in the Quran about people. I, too, think the husband is dead wrong and cruel. It sounds that he’s all up the co’s butt. It sounds like a lustful thing. Furthermore, I don’t get how he is making it all out to be heartbroken’s fault. That woman new he had a wife and kids when she married him. She knew she had to share her husband’s time with heartbroken. It makes me believe even more now that she’s hoping and wanting the husband to leave her and the kids. It sounds that she is jealous and envious of heartbroken’s marriage and kids (their history) and that he leaves her to go home to them. It’s sad that her husband doesn’t put his foot down and let her know that she’s not replacing his wife and children. She needs a reality check and the husband is too full of her to give it to her straight.

  • Gail

    May 10, 2017

    Ana,
    Thanks for commenting about Islamic Woman.My Brother Inlaw has married a woman and she was recently diagnosed with MS and she has fears that my inlaws will force him to take another wife although those fears are unfounded.The strange thing though is she was told she can’t have kids and she is now in a wheel chair and well to be frank she can’t do anything not even cook.They have only been married for 3 yrs.When I hear her talk like this I feel like she is so selfish and she herself being in such a bad way should herself ask him to take a second wife or at least be ok with it.I am looking at this from the woman’s view religiously.I don’t feel she truly loves my brother inlaw enough to let him take another wife.Maybe I am wrong but it seems so selfish to me. should mention my brother inlaw is in his 30s so it’t not like he is in his 20s and has time for her to come around.I should mention I don’t even know if he has interest in Polygamy or not.I am just watching her scream about it.
    As far as Heartbroken is concerned she will have to enlighten us further to what is really going on.U know more about her than I do.I am curious what she has to say though.I do think the husband is going about this all wrong to be so cruel to her.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    In the post below, I meant to say, “If she took the Shahadah to get married”. I mistakenly put, “to become Muslim.” I will change it.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    I don’t know why all my posts are going out of order and I have to fix them. It’s crazy https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    You all have given heartbroken very, very good advice 🙂 There is so much to digest. I like that everyone is giving their view on the matter and we all can take what we want from it and leave what we don’t want. It’s all good.

    The reason I said that I understand a bit better about Heartbroken’s situation now that I know she is a new Shahadah revert is because that is huge in determining what is going on. It sounds to me that she may have reverted so that she could marry Heartbroken’s husband. I suppose her family disowns her because she reverted and married a married man.

    We know that Allah says in the Quran that when it comes to accepting Islam, one can’t say that they believe and have faith as they were so far away from faith just yesterday. If she took the Shahadah to get married, we don’t know if she prays, read the Quran, fast, eat Halal or practices Islam in anyway.

    I was thinking that the girl was a Muslim, straight up with good intentions of wanting to be a family with the husband, heartbroken and the kids. I thought the two wanted unity. Now thinking back, I don’t recall heartbroken saying anything of the sort. She only spoke of how unhappy and lonely the girl is and that she wants to be a part of EVERYTHING. His family accepts her and embrace her, the kids go out with her, why the need for her to be all up in heartbrokens grill (face)?

    If the girl is so concerned about heartbroken, why does she not encourage the husband to go home at a reasonable time on heartbroken days to spend quality time with her and the kids? Why is she bellyaching and throwing tantrums to the point that the husband doesn’t want to leave her alone to spend time with the family that she was aware the husband had before she arrived on the scene?

    If the girl wants so much to be up close and personal with heartbroken, why hasn’t she reached out herself to her? The girl is the intruder. The way heartbroken says the girl acts out and doesn’t want to be alone etc. sounds like a person who doesn’t like her situation and it’s not because heartbroken won’t come crawling to her.

    It sounds to me that she doesn’t like heartbroken and the kids being in the picture. She wants him to leave heartbroken and she’s looking for an excuse. She can’t say that she can’t be with the kids. She can’t say that his family won’t accept her. She can’t say that he don’t spend time with her (KNOWING he has another wife and family). The only thing left to say is that heartbroken isn’t banging down her door, trying to get close to her or calling her up cursing her out or anything of the sort.

    It’s just what I get from the picture. If she is a new Shahadah, she definitely has not accepted polygamy. It doesn’t appear to me that the husband is in any position to teach her anything about Islam either.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I’d say go out on the limb and do what the ladies here have suggested. Contact the girl WITHOUT first letting your husband know about it. Be nice to her. Talk to her so that you can find out about her. Allah tells us to investigate things. Perhaps offer to meet her out with the kids for lunch. See how it goes. It should give you some answers. If she refuses or goes crying to your husband about you contacting her then you know the whole bit about her wanting to hang out with you and be your friend as in a family is a bunch of horse sh!t. Find out once and for all what is up with her.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Gail,

    You asked, “Say an Islamic Woman refuses to accept Polygamy in her heart does it cause her grief because she knows the Prophet Muhammad practiced Polygamy and she can’t cope with Polygamy.”

    I must say that if a Muslim woman refuses to accept polygamy, it would cause her grief. However, the grief is not because she rejects what the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) practiced, BUT, she’ll have grief because she rejects what Allah who is God says. She disobeys Him. As I stated in the previous post, Allah tells us to accept ALL of the Quran. We’re not to accept only the parts that we like. Polygamy is a part of Islam. Allah allows polygamy, meaning men may have up to four wives at one time. It’s something we must accept without question. He says His Prophets are our examples. Therefore, we must follow their way. It doesn’t mean that all men must become polygamous. However, if a man becomes polygamous, it’s because Allah wrote it for him to become it. It’s not about the woman not liking polygamy. Allah allow divorce as well. So, as you mentioned in your previous post – yes – divorce is an option for a woman who doesn’t want to live in a polygamous marriage. She’ll need to deal with Allah about it, if she hates or dislikes what Allah allows for men.

    As far as being bitter, angry, envious, jealous and creating havoc and mischief, it’s all sinful. They’re base emotions. Those emotions and actions eat away at us and tarnish our souls. No good comes from it for anyone.

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    Gail I wholeheartedly agree with ur post. It makes so much sense. Heartbroken shouldn’t write her co off indefinitely for the simple fact she married her husband and he’s now feeling her co more than herself. If she’s not being evil and manipulative and scheming for the husband to divorce heartbroken then they should come together even if it’s just cordial. Do it to gain the pleasure of Allah. They all seem to be miserable because they are trying to get desires fulfilled more than they are focused on Allah when they should be focused on gaining His pleasure and blessings. Heartbroken at the same time shouldn’t stand by and let her marriage deteriorate. If in fact the co is scheming then heartbroken should play right into it and surprise the heck out of her husband and co and give her the big welcome she supposedly wants lol. That will surely take the heat off of her. Maybe the husband feels all good and dandy with the second wife and kids and heartbroken is the one holding them back but it can take years to become accustomed to polygamy they should be patient with her.

  • Gail

    May 10, 2017

    Ana,
    I am very interested to know if Heartbroken is causing alot of this heartache on herself by not really accepting Polygamy and her husbands marriage.At first I was thinking maybe her cowife actually was doing manipulative things to cause her grief but now I’m not so sure.I mean I do see things that are good like heartbroken’s cowife dealing all the money but on the flip side maybe her cowife did mention to their husband about Heartbroken maybe not liking she deal her money and the husband said don’t worry about it or the cowife could very well be manipulating the situation who knows at this point but one thing is for certain Heartbroken is going to cause herself a mental breakdown if she don’t come clean to herself whether or not she is truly willing to accept Polygamy.
    Ana I have a question Say an Islamic Woman refuses to accept Polygamy in her heart does it cause her grief because she knows the Prophet Muhammad practiced Polygamy and she can’t cope with Polygamy.I am wondering this because in Christianity it’s written in the bible we are to be good wives and if their not then G.D will replace them.I don’t know why but that keep sticking in my mind.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Gail,

    What you said in your previous post was HEAVY. It floored me and I will quote it here. You stated:

    “)I wonder how they can be Muslim at all.Why I get this thinking is If the Prophet Muhammad himself were to come sit with these woman they would turn their nose up at him because he himself lived Polygamy.Now those same woman would venture to say Oh but he practiced it the correct way and thats all fine and dandy and I agree with that but Him practicing it the right way I doubt would have made much impact if u a wife that secretly wishes to get her husband divorced from his other wife by being anger,jealous and causing strife all the time.To me this is not Polygamy this is a nightmare and those women are no more Muslim than a Christian.If u enter Polygamy and u see u can’t deal it then divorce is the option NOT Jealousy,anger,bitterness,causing problems(this is a huge sin).”

    What you said was on the money. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example. Allah tells us that His Prophets mentioned in the Quran, for example, “Moses”, “Abraham”, “Jesus” and all the others (peace and blessings of Allah be upon all of them) are our example. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was the seal of the Prophets, meaning there are no more to come. He was polygamous. So, if a man becomes polygamous, no one should have a problem with it as an acceptable way of life. Allah decreed it, if and when it happens or don’t happen. If the man is doing anything wrong, he will account to Allah for it, the same way we all will when we do something wrong.

    Allah tells us to accept the entire Quran or we are no better than unbelievers. In the Quran, Allah speaks of men having more than one wife and up to four at a time. We know the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was honorable and was of the best character, and no one can BE the Prophet, of course. But we have him as our EXAMPLE. Quran is our criteria to live by. It’s quite simple, yet so many Muslims can’t see it or simply reject it.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    It’s so funny. I don’t know why Heartbroken’s name made me think of heartbeat. Not only did her name remind me of it but reminded me of one of my favorite songs back in the day before becoming Muslim. It was “Heartbeat” by Taana Gardner LOL

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Everyone, I’m re-reading posts. I was rushing earlier and was all discombobulated.

    Flower,

    I thanked “Faith” for the nice mini Kuptbah, but I now see that you was the one who actually was writing them. Actually, you wrote a few of them. So, I thank you 🙂

    Faith,

    It doesn’t diminish the value of your post. It’s so important to know what others are going through and for you to share your experience with “heartbroken” and us all means a lot. Thank you! 🙂 I like the way you are handling things with your husband. You were direct and firm, which we must be at times, especially when husbands want us to bend over backwards to please them and others with no regard for us. It’s most important to stand firm when they don’t include Allah in the equation.

  • Flower

    May 10, 2017

    Ana,

    Sorry I’m writing as I read. You just cracked me UP “Go back home to her people then” LOL

  • Flower

    May 10, 2017

    Tunis

    Just commented quick to to say your post was awesome, you wrote it very well, I understood you. May Allah increase you in what you need.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    There are post below mine that I just approved

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Gail,

    You said that right. The co-wife needs to get a change of heart and the husband needs to grow a spine. All that wining, crying and carrying on about being alone and unhappy doesn’t cut it after the fact. Heartbroken’s co needs to seek a divorce and go back home to her people then.

  • Gail

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I went back and reread the post after I wrote u and seen that you were saying your cowife wants to be a part of your family and she feels bad when u and your husbands sister go out without her? Thats a huge piece of information u were leaving out and u also mentioned u are not accepting to meet your wife and that u somehow feel it’s her place to seek u out if she has so much interest is this correct? Also u mentioned she had to give up her family to become a second wife as well.
    In the light of knowing this I want to ask u WHY HAVE U NOT REACHED OUT TO HER??? Did she do something that made u not like her(besides marrying your husband of course because that don’t count).Has she manipulated u in some way besides the children going to the movies with them which I doubt is manipulation and more her trying to inch her way closer to you.
    Look I am different than the majority of the women on the blog as I am a firm believer in Cowives esp with children getting along and working together for the sake of the children.Unless u have something on this chick that she is Manipulating you and trying to get your divorce I have to say u are the one struggling with Polygamy and if this is the case u need to change yourself or flat out file for divorce.
    Are u having inner feelings like u have been Shamed by your husband for taking a second wife? If u are everyone can totally relate to those feelings and sympathize with you 100000% BUTTT it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day either you are going to make a mental change to accept Polygamy and be positive about it or your not.If u continue in this limbo area of your life long it will affect your health make no mistakes about it.
    One really important piece of the puzzle as well is When your children go out with your cowife and come back after spending time with her and their dad are they Happy Do the like her.If she is treating them nice then thats another clue for u to bite the bullet and welcome her.
    I don’t know how long your husband has been married to your cowife but u need to figure out pretty fast which road u are going to take because from what u said she really wants to be a part of your family and if she is for real then Dang Girl thats Awesome!! And One of u ladies need to learn to drive so u can help each other out if u ask me!!
    Now in saying all this u have enough info to make a good sound choice about stepping forward or not and let me ask u this Does your husband wish for her to merge with you and the kids? Every family is different so I have no idea what your husband desires but for sure the way u have written it seems your cowife really wants to be a part of your family.Write back and let me know I am dying to know if this is your feelings getting in the way more than her actually doing anything wrong? I was the wife that wanted a one family unit with my cowife now excowife as well as did hubby and she said she did but she never wanted it she kept stabbing me in the back until she finally go the boot.For me personally at that time in my life we both had small children with my husband and I felt it top priority that we all live as one family unit.I am not saying u ladies have to live together(although cowife and I did when I was in Pakistan) but for sure u ladies could come up with a better solution than what u have going on now.

  • Tunis

    May 10, 2017

    Asalamu alaikum Ana

    Im back home now after my visit to my mom’s. Been home 10 days now. But never a day went by that I didnt check in to the blog. Just couldnt write anymore. Still just a tumble weed seeking its way to be a tree. Hah..if that makes any sense…just came to mind. Anyhow…so much heartache and drama we women put ourselves thru…shaytan can ride us like a cowboy…getting us to whoop and holler !! haha! But im beginning to finally feel and see the seriousness of my intentions….my actions….and thats it..they are my actions I will make…and they can make me or break me.

    But..for me anyhow… it also has to stop being about me me me…..this is where us sisters get tricked. Stop focusing on what they(husbands) are accountable for..and start focusing on what we ….each of us women ..are accountable for…before Allah. And its true…we react because we always feel its about us..or against us..or not for us..well so it may be….this is where we need to change our attitude….in how we r thinking about any given situation. And most likely if a woman looks ..reflects closely at her thoughts..try to catch that feeling thats swelling up inside of you….and do like the cowboy does with that rope…..before shaytan gets that noose around your neck or heart. Im not a very articulate writer….or thinker….im just trying to harness in on my desires and be aware of them…and fight them…..and only with correct focus and wordhip to Allah…is HIS promise made true…and things are breathable….Sisters…we all are given tests….and for those of us in polygamous relationships..this is one among many or less for us..Allah Alim. Overthinking…reacting miserable..crying our eyes out….getting nasty or rude to hubby…what is it really doing…but no good for us….so dont follow the footsteps of shaytan…..but hold on to the rope of Allah…thats the rope we want around our hearts.

    I missed all of you ladies…and welcome to all the new people here.

    Your blog is so helpful Ana.

    Make it awesome whereever you are !

  • Gail

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I don’t know what it is about how men in general enter into Polygamy thinking they can control everything when in fact they can’t control anything.I am not blaming it just on the man because I am noticing even in my own Muslim family the girls are saying they will take divorce over Polygamy.Even I have one sister inlaw who has MS and she is saying the same thing.Now I am not Muslim but my entire husband and his family is and I am left wondering in my own brain(and take no offense to what I am fixing to say)but I am left wondering in my own mind if they refuse Polygamy(and I am not saying u are but it seems your cowife has huge issues with it)I wonder how they can be Muslim at all.Why I get this thinking is If the Prophet Muhammad himself were to come sit with these woman they would turn their nose up at him because he himself lived Polygamy.Now those same woman would venture to say Oh but he practiced it the correct way and thats all fine and dandy and I agree with that but Him practicing it the right way I doubt would have made much impact if u a wife that secretly wishes to get her husband divorced from his other wife by being anger,jealous and causing strife all the time.To me this is not Polygamy this is a nightmare and those women are no more Muslim than a Christian.If u enter Polygamy and u see u can’t deal it then divorce is the option NOT Jealousy,anger,bitterness,causing problems(this is a huge sin).
    Now in saying this if u see these issues in your cowife then u have a serious issues that are never going to be solved unless your cowife changes her heart or your husband grows a spine.In your case I think u have the issue of your cowife is trying to screw up your marriage and your husband has left you for a newer fresher virgin/version of you!
    Look plain and simple your cowife has no children and she can give 100% of her time to him.She is controlling the situation and the proof is she is controlling the money.U are going to have to WISE UP! What is this crap u have no say over your own children going to the movies with your cowife and husband(are u crazy)? U better wise up before they come up with a plan to take your kids and kick u to the curb for good. I am sorry to say this but I don’t think u realize how serious this could be in your case.U really have to focus on u and your kids.U can hope for the best but prepare for the worse.
    Have u tried to talk to your cowife or have any relation with her.I am curious do u live in a European Country or a Muslim Country? U said u don’t have rights to stop your kids it made me wonder if u are in a Muslim Country?
    Listen know matter what do not stress out about all this nonsense u need to put your faith in Allah/G.D to give u strength to do what is necessary of u to deal with this mess may it be getting your rights or getting divorced.

  • Jasmina

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken

    She is playing her game and playing it right, she has found your husband weakness and using it against him. Two can play that game so level up to her and you will see she will drop the act real quick.

    Pray istikhara and make the intention to save your marriage.

    Then pray tahajjud every night as much as you can and ask Allah to fix your marriage and bond with your hubby.

    Then be extremely nice and respectful to him. Just pretend, as I know you are hurt, don’t show him your pain and don’t say things which he will dislike:

    When he is with you tell him your plans to go out and then say hey this is a good opportunity for co to join me I’ll call her right now. Put her in speaker without her knowing so your husband can hear and call and invite her. Suggest family days together with her too on your days and tell him that you all will pick her up and drop her off. Take initiative everyday and every weekend.

    Trust me she won’t last a month, she will stop saying that lonely crap to him. She knows you don’t want a relationship so she is using that. Do t let her know your weaknesses next time as she will use it again you.

    Tell your husband in a nice way about your pains but what you are doing to accept and overcome because you love him so much blah blah blah and rub he’s egos everyday.

    Don’t let her ruin your marriage, come on.

    Anyhow my co is a coniving wench and I’ve learnt to defend myself in this way.

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    That was too funny because of the context you used it in. You were being serious. Thanks for the cheer

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Oh, no, LOL It’s because I’m rushing trying to get out of here and on the road LOL

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    Ana I’m laughing so much right now you called heartbroken, heartbeat LOL

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken the way I see it is maybe you should be the bigger person and extend an olive branch to your co. Maybe not right right now as everything is still fresh. But to gain the pleasure of Allah only not because your husband is forcing his hand and most definitely not for your co but for you heartbroken. It can be a great stride on the road of acceptance. I don’t know. It’s like playing with fire. What you can start doing immediately is take all your focus off of your husband and co and find solace in the remembrance of Allah. The worship of Allah. Read and understand the Quran I’m telling you, you will find immediate relief. Thank Allah during the good times and bad. It’s all a test. A Quote I love

    ” Life consists of two days. One for you and one against you. So when it’s for you, don’t be proud and reckless and when it’s against you be patient for both days are a test for you” -Hazrat Ali RA-

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Faith,

    You’re a tremendous help here. Thank you. Nice mini kuptbah you gave 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Rosa,

    I agree!

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    I see what’s going on with Heartbeat husband’s other wife more clearly now after reading flower’s recent post. She is quite the manipulative one for sure. I missed where Heartbroken said the newcomer is a convert/revert. I have to go out now but will continue here when I get back home later this evening, Insha Allah.

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken co has some nerve to dare want more than what she has. Meaning she wants an acceptance speech from heartbroken a welcome address the whole shadang. She should just be content and happy she now has a husband and shouldn’t desire more than that. But then again all roads lead to what ana stated below they’re in a triangle of DESIRES and as a result they are not happy. Each one blaming the other

  • Flower

    May 10, 2017

    Does anyone else see the similarities between how heartbroken met and married her husband and how his other met and married him. The both seem to have left their family behind and become completely dependant on him. He seems to like the damsel in distress look. Only heartbroken has become independent, she doesn’t need him anymore because as he said, she has the kids and her own friends now. I think He believes he saved heartbroken and was her knight in shining armour, and according to heartbroken they had a beautiful marriage. Hes tried to mimic that relationship with a new woman, but is failing miserably, so he blames heartbroken. He doesn’t see that women dont like to share a husband, he thinks the problem is heartbroken doesn’t want to share. Maybe he could do with some personal accounts of 2, 3rd and 4th wives to see that we all struggle to share someone we love and the problems are with the individual not the other partys involved. She may have given up everything but it doesn’t mean she wants to share. Who’d want to share something that they’d given up everything for.

  • Flower

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Ana is absolutely right, non of you will be happy untill you put worshipping Allah first, happiness doesn’t come from other people. Some can have the most loving, kind attentive family and friends and still be miserable. Its mankind’s nature to want, want, want. Theres a hadith that states “If the son of Adam had a mountain of gold, he would only want another one” imagine, an entire mountain of gold, and we’d want MORE. we know it to be true if we observe our individual lives, how many times do we say “If I only had …….. everything would be fine” were constantly in that state till we become greatful, then our Lord revealed that once we become greatful He will give us more. We cant see or get the MORE when we’re busy being ungrateful.

    Your husband and his other wife and running in circles only caring about each other and each others happiness. They didn’t read the Quran else they’d know to save yourself FIRST. They appear to be in loss, since they are not reminding each other of anything other than how they want their desires met. They are on a path of distruction, dont join them. Get on the straight path and do your best to stay there, ask and beg of Allah to get you on it and keep you on it. We say it at least 17 times a day in al fatiah. Its an awesome reminder of what we want and need. We know we need it, but are we acting like we want it. Want it like your life depends on it, because it DOES.

    Heartbroken, its ok if you want to get some things off your chest and get some feedback on your situation. But you must, must, must do what has been commanded of you-to worship Allah. I think most if not all women have been guilty of being a broken record in polygamy, but don’t let the situation keep bringing you down, you must fight and keep fighting.

    Dont keep the good news to yourself, let your husband know there’s ease with hardship, let him know happiness comes from Allah, let him know Allah is The comforter. Ask him how on earth he thinks he can make his wife happy when he doesn’t have the power to make himself happy or to make you accept polygamy the ‘right’ way. Hes powerLESS.

  • Heartbroken

    May 10, 2017

    Salaamalaikum

    Ana, she doesn’t need Me for anything to be happy.

    I don’t think she is Interested in being friends with me either. She just says that to make him happy I think. Who knows. I don’t see her reaching out to me in any way.
    She can contact me at any time if she was so inclined.

    She probably didn’t expect her married life to be the way it is now.

    He goes on and on about her being lonely and abandoned and it’s because she gave up everything for him.

    It’s because she faced her family turning away from her when she married him as a second wife. And she is a new convert as well. They were NOT happy about both.

    He is feeling massively guilty that she is so unhappy with the way things are going.

    If I go out with my sister in law for a movie or dinner or whatever she feels unhappy that she wasn’t invited by default as his wife.

    And he feels she is disrespected in all ways.
    Now how and why only they know..My in-laws have all accepted her and are very cordial to her and invite her as well for all functions.

    Maybe she feels that if I accept her and welcome her into MY family she will be happy then. Who knows.

    BUT I am not there yet!
    May not ever get there. I am OK with her leading his life with him and he leading his life with us.

    Yes, It’s clear she is is priority. His ONLY priority.
    The writing is clear on the wall..
    Am so tired of this nonsense today
    Just feel drained.

    I need to turn my focus away from my husband for sure. That is true.

    Allah does show me the correct way when I concentrate on prayers and on him.

    Other days I look back and am lost again.

    Oh well.. am not gonna think for sometime. . Am drained right now. He is what he is and how he is with me. Can’t change that. Only Allah can.. gotta move on..

    Khudahafiz all.

  • Faith

    May 10, 2017

    Salam everyone,
    @ heartbroken, I can relate with what you are feeling. Your husband is trying to blackmail you emotionally and you are allowing him.i just got to know about my husbands second marriage and with all their deception, he was still trying to manipulate me to befriend her. I gave him a sound warning that if he and his wife wants peace of mind, they should both back of my case. U see, I have always been the calm and submissive wife so he thought he could push me around, well, I let him know that my happiness is most important to me and I am not going to do anything to please him only Allah. If he has a problem with me, then that is his headache and I am not going to take medication for his headache. If I can accept him taking another wife without causing him and his wife any trouble, then why should they trouble me for accepting it.
    U need to let go of your husband, let him be! Don’t expect anything from him again and you will stop being disappointed. Turn to Allah and you will find peace

    Thanks Ana, flower, everyone u ar really helping lots of women, may Allah increase u in knowledge

  • Flower

    May 10, 2017

    Ana + Rosa

    Muhammadsaddique is struggling with his conscious, he wants another wife but doesn’t want to damage the marriage the marriage he already has. Allah brought the struggles a woman can go through to his attention, not all polygamous men get that heads up. If his intention at the moment is to remain monogamous good for him, but that doesn’t mean him and his wife wont be tested, if they are not tested id start to worry since Allah test the believers.

    The first generation of muslims actully preferred a hardship because they knew and believed ease will come and if they wasn’t being tested at that point, they knew it was coming because, as I mentioned above Allah tests the believers. Full circle of hardships and ease. Its how life as a muslim goes, inshaAllah.

    No one wants to see a person they love in pain but thats where other ayat in the Quran come into play. Allah tells us that ALL of mankind are in loss, EXCEPT those that do good and remind others, we need reminders the most when we’re struggling. In other peoples tests there can be rewards for us too, by reminding them to be paticent etc.

    Bottom line, no one knows what the future holds, except the certainty of death, if were are to avoid and prepare for anything its to prepare for death and avoid being punished. Not to prepare for old age (if one lives that long) and spend our lives wrapped in the arms of the ones we love and forget about what’s to come.

    Muhammadsaddique. I dont applaude or admonishe your intention to stay monogamous. Simply because I never read that the number of wives effects your changes of attaining paradise. You still have to be just and fair to your only wife. I wish you both a long life that is dedicated to worshipping Allah and Allah only, whatever your choice of marriage.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I’m just now seeing your last post. Insha Allah, I’ll be back later.

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Heartbroken/Depressed,

    This will be a quick post, as I’m getting ready to retire to the boudoir again LOL

    Anyhow, it’s not a simple case of saying that you’re right or wrong in how you view your situation with your husband. I see that you all have your desires that you want fulfilled and none of it seems to be about Allah, which is a huge problem. None of you will find peace and contentment as long as you all are making life about you all.

    Your husband wants you to befriends with his other and his other supposedly wants to be friends with you. You just want your husband back and want him to be the way that he was.

    His other should be happy that she has a husband instead of trying to get all up close and personal with you. She probably doesn’t know why she’s unhappy. If she think that by you and she becoming friends that she will be happy, she needs to think again.

    I suggest you stop asking your husband why he is so unhappy when you know the reason. He’s told you over and over again that he is not happy when she is not happy and when he’s not with her. You have the answer. You can’t change that.

    The bottom line is that you and she won’t be friends unless Allah decides it. You’ve barely holding on. You’re trying to come to terms with the fact that your husband has another wife. Who is your husband to tell you that you need to accept his other woman/wife like as of yesterday. It’s a process. It takes time to shift to a different way of living such as what you’ve found yourself in. He needs to be patient and back up off you.

    What kind of woman is she? Can you talk to her? Ask her what is ailing her. What is her malfunction? She has a husband.

    As long as you keep harassing your husband and bombarding him with questions about why he ain’t happy and lets go here and there, get ice cream etc. you’re going to get your feelings hurt. He has let you know what time it is. It’s her time. His main priority is her. You need to work on yourself and make Allah your priority or you’re going to continue to suffer torment. He has let you know what is most important to him right now – it’s her. You can’t change that.

  • Heartbroken

    May 10, 2017

    Salam All
    Oh and one more thing he mentioned.. I should not ‘demand’ that he needs to spend more time with me as she is alone and lonely and has nobody whereas I have the kids to keep me company.

    She is alone if he isn’t there by her side and feels even more lonely and sad with the way her married life is going so he cannot just leave her alone like That! He didn’t marry her to make her feel so abandoned!
    Huh??
    WHAT??
    She used to stay alone even before she married him!
    Her parents stay in another city!!
    So what is all this drama of feeling lonely?

    So he said do I expect her to Continue to be alone when she is married??

    I said when she is with him throughout the day and almost all till 1am even on my days.. how the hell will she feel lonely!!??

    And that is a part of polygamy..if I don’t get him fulltime neither does she!!
    But nope I don’t have even a little compassion to think about her till she feels more comfortable in this situation!

    Grrr..

  • anabellah

    May 10, 2017

    Rosa,

    I was thinking the same thing about him. He had to be surfing the world-wide-web in search of information about polygamy due to a desire that he has for polygamy. He may fear or know how his wife would react towards him about the topic. He may fear her divorcing him. To save face about it, he may be saying he won’t engage in it not to hurt his wife. He needs to be honest with himself.

  • Heartbroken

    May 10, 2017

    Salam all
    Pls forgive all the typos in my earlier post.
    I was just so confused while posting on my phone I didn’t proof read it before posting..
    It’s bits and peices and more than a couple of typos here and there. I hope u can get the gist of this long confused post of mine.
    And a couple of places where He has appeared instead of I.

  • Heartbroken

    May 10, 2017

    Salam all
    I was in such a hurry to post about what happened last night that I didn’t go through all the comments..
    Thank you so much Flower for your words.
    MS. Wow.. what you said about the dunya and we need to strive for the thereafter hence the trials and Allah s way of testing us.
    Wow! I never thought of it like that… makes so much sense!
    Thank you ladies!

    I will ‘re read all the comments again and reflect

    Khudahafiz

  • Depressed

    May 10, 2017

    Salam All,
    Heartbroken here. Still fear that this will go to Spam under username Heartbroken and I don’t have the strength to type this long post again.
    Much help needed.

    Thank you Ana Flower and MS for the advice.

    A quick clarification Ana.
    He always used to pick me and drop me before and esp after kids he used to be extra diligent to see to our needs. I used to take public transport only on those times when he could not make it. Even then he would try his best to reach us.
    So it’s not that I suddenly expect him to change for me. It’s just transferred to her now.

    As for my heath, if I was even slightly ill he would make sure to call and ask me when he was at work to see if I could handle the kids when he wasn’t home Or if He as OK.
    So to hear him so callous now hurt me so much.
    So I was driving myself crazy wondering what on earth happened to just make him change so much..

    But I had a very revealing conversation with him last night.

    So on Sunday I told him let’s take the kids out for ice cream as it s been so long since we had spent time together as a family..
    His reply…i don’t feel like it..if u want..take them out yourself.

    I kept quiet as I didnt wanna say anything while hurt and blow up the conversation.

    But last night I quietly and calmly asked him why was he so unhappy and why didn’t he wanna spend time with us anymore.
    Spend time with her and then make time for us.
    After his usual outburst of impatience and anger that he is tired and didn’t wanna talk etc..he says this..

    ‘U wanna know why I am so unhappy?
    How do u expect me to be happy when she is so unhappy. So lonely. Do u expect me to just be all happy around you when she is suffering so much?
    I don’t like to spend time without her. She already feels so abandoned and excluded.

    I don’t feel like being a part of anything incl THIS family if she is not a part of it!!!

    She is a part of me and I am a part of her and if I am a part of this family then this family also needs to include her or it’s not My FAMILY!’

    I was like Whattt??

    Then he went on about how I have accepted polygamy wrong and that I have accepted it with conditions. Not wholeheartedly. Saying hubby and her are one seperate unit and the kids and hubby and Me another separate unit is WRONG. And if I have accepted it right I will be happy about it and not unhappy! I should open my heart and accept her wholeheartedly and not the the way I have in buts and prices.

    I told him there is no one correct way to accept polygamy and he can’t force her and their way on me..he says,then don’t keep asking me why I am so unhappy.

    Apparently she avoids going to functions or just generally dropping in at my in laws place when I go (she goes with him later) so that things don’t feel awkward between us and after she ‘Sacrifices’ like that to make me feel confortable I have never made the move to make her feel comfortable and invite her!
    Oh he refuses to enter his parents house with me.. why?
    If she isn’t around then he will not enter with me a nd the kids his family is not complete!

    But he makes sure he take her there for lunch and whatnot WITHOUT me so that she doesn’t feel left out.

    I told him that is not my house to invite or dis-ivite her. If she wants to go let her go whenever!

    And since she is going thru so much trauma with her parents and since I had faced it at one time myself..i am so Selfish to not have thought to ask him even once if she is all right and show absolutely no concern or even bother about her or her Well being.. So since I don’t care about her he doesn’t care about me anymore!

    I told him she is HIS Wife.. whatever she is going thru is NOT MY PROBLEM.

    He starts off.. I am so selfish.. So immature. He is realized that about me now hence the disconnect between us.
    I am only bothered about Me and my feelings but am not concerned about what He wants and not concerned about Her and how she is dealing with life. Huh???

    And all my Act of having accepted this second marriage is just that.. An Act. The fact that I wanna keep her separate from us means that I still have an issue with the marriage.

    She is very family oriented and would love to bond with us and since the kids are fine with her, it’s just me being the thorn on his side.
    That I dont have the strength to be graceful like her.
    She tells him all I want is your happiness and whatever makes u happy will make me happy.
    He says she just wants to see him happy and no matter what she is going thru she wants to put his happiness first and not to worry about her and on the midst of ALL her trauma she still worries about him and not herself!!
    Blah blah blah. She sure knows how to manipulate him LOL.

    Whew! I was so mad typing this I hope I made sense..
    Does this make sense??
    Am I wrong??
    WHAT is wrong with him??

    So if I need to spend Family time with him she better be included or he won’t spend time with us at all..and since I don’t have tje grace and capacity to Share him and the kids then that means we will all just continue to live unhappily.
    I am free to walk out if I am not happy with the way (THEY THINK) it should be accepted. Cause the way I think is wrong. Their way is right. And I cannot expect him to have two SEPARATE families.
    I told him.. two wives means two separate families by default!
    But nope.. I am wrong and as usual and I don’t have the mental capacity or maturity to see things the RIGHT way.
    So she gets to spend her time with him whenever but whenever he is with us..she needs to be around!!

    I don’t even know what to say.
    Maybe you dear ladies can guide me where I am wrong..

    Khudahafiz all

  • Rosa

    May 10, 2017

    I think MuhammadSiddique is trying to put on a face to cover the guilt he feels knowing he truly wants another wife but condemning polygamy to make himself feel better when he knows deep down that urge for another wife is there and ain’t going nowhere. If his wife shot down the idea and he decided not to go about it then how the heck did he come across this blog. Until he stops thinking he’s in control he will continue down a destructive path. Allah didn’t decide for him to become polygamous at the time not you buddy but who knows what the future holds. Like I said once u get that urge….

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Flower, (Regarding MuhammadSaddique),

    I meant to mention before that I like your post to MuhammadSaddique. The same as what you stated, I got from him that he was fishing for compliments and praise from the ladies here when he said he didn’t want to hurt his wife by becoming polygamous. Furthermore, he labeled men who are polygamous as being selfish. It appears he was looking for accolades-for women to say, oh, you’re such a good man, a good husband, and the like.

    He said he can’t put his wife “through fraction of such test”. How dare he compare himself to Allah. Allah is the ONE who gives tests. Does MuhammadSaddique think he has the power to test his wife or anybody else? Is He saying that we select our tests, that we humans put people through tests? It’s not like we’re in school. It’s why I say he hasn’t a clue. Furthermore, MuhammadSaddique does not comprehend that men can love more than one woman at a time.

    You were point on about the men who regret having become polygamous. The ones who say such a thing have little understanding and think they have control. They don’t believe that Allah decides our mates for us etc. They probably had expectations that weren’t met when they became polygamous. Maybe the men who became polygamous thought they would have a little haram of women catering to their every need etc and there would be no drama. They didn’t anticipate that managing more than one household is hard work.

    MuhammadSiddique’s post shocked the crap out of me. He probably was shocked that he got pounced on. He needs to know what he’s talking about before he condemns something that ALLAH has allowed for us.

  • Mari2

    May 9, 2017

    @Ana,
    You hit the nail on the head with your statement “Allah has a way of bringing something to my attention that let’s me know that I’ve gone in the direction…” This same thing happened to me this week. My lease is up in 2 months and I am looking for a closer to my job, quaint place to live for less money. Here in my town we have an apartment complex that is nice, safe and cheap. I used to live here in the late 90s. They offer an application process for only 24 hours once a year. The process opened up yesterday. M urged me to apply at the same time he was applying so I could get a place in the same complex as his family. I had reservations because I don’t think that living at the same complex as 2 and family would be beneficial to my mental health. I would seriously love the financial benefits. Yet, it wasn’t the place I envisioned myself when thinking of moving. But due to his urging I went ahead to apply.

    But…BUT..the complex requires one’s social security card. I haven’t seen that baby since maybe 2001. Who wants that nowadays? So despite my W2, my pay stubs, my photo ID, my application was refused because I could not procure my actual ssc. At first I was annoyed but then I realized that M’s will for my living situation was not what Allah has willed for me.

  • Mari2

    May 9, 2017

    @Gail
    If M is actually having a physical relationship with others, I would be startled. What his MO is is to have text relationships. He is at the store 7 days per week. 5 of those days either 2 and or his mom accompany him. And he’s their driver too. He is never alone. Weekends either he is at the store with me, or works alone a double shift. How he could find time for a tryst is beyond me, but then again anything is possible. I joke with him that the store is his mistress. But at the same time I am happy for him for working so hard toward and achieving his goals. I won’t begrudge him that.

    As for why he plucked the amount he claims to pay me out of the air, I have no clue. Likely his family thought he was giving me more so he chose a lesser number that just happened to be less than he actually pays me. The women of his family obsess about how much he gives me. 2 is convinced that I am somehow taking a majority of his money and M cannot convince her as to the truth of the matter. She doesn’t fully understand that women can be economically independent as that is unusual where she is from, and here she only associates with other women whom are reliant on their husband’s for economic support.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Mari2,

    I second ALL that you said in your last post. You said it way better than I could have and in an easier way to understand.

    I can especially relate to what you said about having to make a pit stop and recalculate. You definitely got that right!

    Allah has a way of bringing something to my attention that lets me know that I’ve gone in the wrong direction or is heading there, and He puts me back on track.

    You are absolutely correct that it’s an ongoing process. It’s life. There is no saying, for instance, I’m there and can relax now. No, I need to tell myself, don’t even think about it. It’s so easy to fall asleep. Allah, out of His Mercy, puts me back on track. As you stated, we must make our intent and put in the effort.

    Thank you much, Mari2https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif Your post was right on time…

  • Mari2

    May 9, 2017

    @Ana,
    I think your advice to Heartbroken about backing off her husband and turning to Allah is sound advice. It’s so easy to get caught up in a cycle of complaints and anger as I fully experience that now and then. But turning to Allah helps calm me and ground me. And HE does help me, but I have to make the effort. It can be and is a long, hard road,so every once in a while one needs to make a pit stop and recalculate one’s navigation system so to speak. It’s an ongoing process. Much like life.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Regarding Heartbroken, it could be that her husband sees this as a time for “payback”, as well. Maybe he was angry at Heartbroken before he married again and is now taking his anger out on her. It’s a way for him to say, for instance, look, you’ve taken me through hell, now it’s my turn to do the same to you. It’s why it may be best for her to pull back, as in back up off him for a while. Take some time away from him so that maybe he’ll begin to feel the love for her once again when she’s not nagging, complaining, begging, pleading and exploding. She needs to give him space. I believe once she does that, he may realize what an @$$ he has been and will become apologetic and want her forgiveness.

    On the other hand, he may realize that he doesn’t want to stay married to her and will eventually leave. It’s all a waiting and guessing game.

    In the meantime, if she turn all her attention to Allah and begin doing all her salats, read the Quran and try to keep her mind and focus on Allah, she may be prepared for her husband to leave, if in fact he does. She may make her intent to get out, as well. Regardless, she’ll be strong enough to deal it, if it should happen.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Flower,

    I see both sides – MS’s and yours.

    It doesn’t seem that Heartbroken is struggling so much with polygamy as it is a matter of her husband not having compassion and patience with her. She simply feels she has lost her husband and wants him back, but she’s going about it the wrong way. Chasing him and letting him know how desperate she is to keep him won’t do it. It will have the opposite affect and turn him away from her.

  • Flower

    May 9, 2017

    Ana and MS

    I liked your advise more than my own, lol. MS you right, I didnt take the lenth of time heartbroken has been in polygamy into account as much as I should have.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    MS,

    It’s okay. I didn’t realize it. In skimming them, it seems you said things a bit differently in both, so I’ll leave them. I have to go back to read them, after I offer salat. 🙂

  • MS

    May 9, 2017

    Sorry Ana, I just realised that my post went through twice. I thought it hadn’t so I rewrote it. My apologies https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_scratch.gif

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    MS,

    I just fished your last two posts out of spamhttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_wacko.gif It’s crazy. At least I know the filter is working. I just have to remember, Insha Allah, to check the spam queue regularly.

  • MS

    May 9, 2017

    Also @Heartbroken,

    I understand that @Flower is trying to offer helpful advice with the best of intentions, but I don’t think her advice will solve your problem.

    Rushing to divorce after a few weeks/months of difficulty may not be a wise long term decision, especially with children involved.

    No relationship is strong and loving all the time. Feelings of affection go up and down. It’s normal.

    This dunya is not supposed to be happy and everything we wanted, otherwise what would be the point of striving for the hereafter?

    This dunya is full of suffering and pain for everyone.

    Allah has done that deliberately in order to test us.

    He wants to see whether we’ll be good servants of His in ALL circumstances, the good and bad.

  • MS

    May 9, 2017

    Also @Heartbroken,

    I understand that @Flower is trying to offer helpful advice with the best of intentions, but I think it is rash.

    Rushing to divorce after a few weeks/months of difficulty may not be a wise long term decision, especially with children involved.

    I know it’s been a tough 3 months, but this situation will pass eventually and you’ll barely remember the pain insha’allah.

    Nothing stays the same. No relationship is strong and happy all the time. Feelings go up and down.

    It’s a normal part of this dunya, which is supposed to be full of suffering and pain in order for Allah to test us.

    He wants to see whether we’re good servants of His in ALL circumstances, during the good AND bad times.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I agree with “Flower” that your husband shouldn’t be mean and hurtful to you. A husband is supposed to be kind to his wives. I agree with her in that I don’t think it’s about polygamy either. There are men who act as your husband does to their wives in monogamous marriages, as well, as Flower stated.

    I agree with her as well that if you ask your husband for a divorce, you best be prepared for him to give you one. He may, on the other hand, wake up and see that he’s about to lose you and he’ll act better. It’s a chance that you will be taking, as you don’t know which way he’ll go.

    If you don’t want a divorce and don’t want to take a chance on getting one by asking for one, then you need to put him on ignore. Let him go his way and do his thing, whatever it is. Let him be.

    While he’s off with her doing what he does, it’s time for you to focus completely and with your whole heart on Allah. Put your husband out of your mind as though he doesn’t exist. Once you do it, you should find that your life is getting better. It doesn’t guarantee that your husband will change for the better, but you’ll see a change in yourself and will begin to feel better. You may find yourself strong enough to leave the marriage, or maybe your husband will begin to see you in a new light and respect you more. He may change in a positive way towards you. Allah knows best.

    I will say, as someone else has said here before, I think it may have been “Flower”, basically, – if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep being what you’ve always been or will keep getting what you’ve always gotten. There are so many ways to phrase it. For instance, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting to get the same results.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Heartbroken, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I think your husband is turned off by how needy you have become. He probably respected you more when you spoke what was on your mind and didn’t back down from him. You said that was how you used to be. Well, that’s probably what he liked a lot about you although he may not know it to be able to articulate it.

    Although you may have had a legitimate reason for him to come pick you up because you were out in the rain with the kids, he may have seen it as being a plea for attention. Did you used to call him when something such as it happened or did you simple do what needed to be done and called it a day? Have you always been taking public transportation with the kids but now want to change how you do things because she’s getting something different?

    It’s not uncommon for a woman to be totally independent and then once her husband gets another wife, she want all that the other wife is getting besides being all over her husband, smothering him. The sudden shift can be a turnoff to him.

    If you have nose bleeds and health issues, take yourself to the doctors the way you used to do in the past. You probably didn’t wait for him. If something were to ail me, I’d tell my husband that I’m going to the doctor (make an appointment) on such and such a day and time and I’d go. I’d tell him what the results were next time I speak with him.

    I’m saying all of this because you have cited instances where your husband has accommodated his other wife in a certain way and now you want the same accommodations. Don’t think that he doesn’t see through it. Are you entitled to it https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_unsure.gif We know it ain’t happening. Allah knows best why.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    MS, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I read your post and agree with what you’ve said, BUT, I think you’re talking over Heartbroken’s head right now. She’s not there yet. I’m sorry; I really don’t mean to offend her. I will say that she is obsessed with her husband and his other wife to the point that she’s not focusing sincerely on Allah and the worship of Him. It’s not in her heart. I know this because Allah tells us that faith doesn’t enter a persons heart instantly when they were so far away from faith just yesterday. Heartbroken has got to get down to basics in worshiping Allah and ask Him to teach her and give her understanding.

    Many times a wife is the same as her husband in the level of lack of worship of Allah. She can’t just begin suddenly to think about Allah now that she’s in a huge jam and is suffering and can’t cope with her husband being with another woman. Many times the wife will turn to Allah in hope that the husband will leave the other wife or to get relief from the pain she feels. One must truly believe and want to live Islam and worship Allah because it’s what Allah commands and not to get some instant relief.

    She has to earn Allah’s love and once that happens He’ll turn His creation towards her. It may mean that he’ll take her out of the marriage as well and give her something better.

  • MS

    May 9, 2017

    Assalamalaikum warahmatullahi wa baraktu everyone https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    @Heartbroken

    I hope you get past this pain soon. I’m making dua for you https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    When I was reading your post it reminded me of something I read in an islamic book once; whoever makes good his relationship with Allah, Allah will make good his relationship with others.

    This is based on chapter 19, verse 96 of the Quran (sahih international translation): “Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection.” Meaning Allah will put love for that person in the hearts of the believers.

    In the same way, whoever neglects/destroys his relationship with Allah, Allah will destroy his relationship with the people.

    You’re heading in the right direction by doing your best to focus on Allah. Well done! May Allah reward you greatly for your efforts and bless you with an even stronger iman (faith). Ameen.

    Remember that two of Allah’s names are The Source of Peace and The Loving One. These are unique attributes of His. Only Allah can provide these things. If you want to feel love, peace and happiness then keep turning to Him.

    Learn more about Allah, it’ll increase your love for Him.

    Remember Him often by reading His direct word to us, the Quran.

    Be grateful to Him.

    In chapter 14, verse 7 Allah tells us His promise that “if you are thankful, I will give you more…”

    Note that being grateful isn’t just saying thank you.

    It’s about increasing our acts of worship.

    So if you’re doing the fardh (obligatory) salat’s, then perhaps make it a goal to do the voluntary 2 sunnah rakat for fajr?

    Or make a goal to read 1 page of the Quran every morning and reflect on it?

    All of these things will make our relationship with Allah good, and therefore Allah will make our relationships with the people good too insha’allah.

    Wishing you all the best!

  • Flower

    May 9, 2017

    Heartbroken.

    I’m going to be really honest here. That man isn’t worth it. I would start getting my ducks in row and ask him for a divorce. From all that you’ve said I don’t see this as a problem you have with polygamy, alone. Polygamous problems can be worked through but he is giving no indication that he wants your marriage to work. Your husband has absolutely no right to treat you in this manner. Even if he didn’t have another wife, and he had left you to stand in the rain with the children id say that’s completely out of order.

    You know if you ask for a divorce he will give it to you, so get things together before you ask him. You’re right, hes completely uninterested in your well fair and he’s not trying to keep this marriage together. It takes two to build and maintain a marriage. I dare say if you got over the jealously and outburst etc he wouldn’t change his attitude towards you.

    You explained a bit about your past and how he helped you, he seems to doing that all over again except with a different woman.

    Are you in a Western country?

    Those are just my thoughts. I know the benefits of polygamy and would erge any woman to strive for acceptance and happiness but I can’t see that being the solution to the problems you have with him.
    No, I don’t think your being petty, at all. You are comparing your treatment to how he treats his other wife, amd it makes it worse, however he wasnt like this while monogamous with you, and I doubt you would have put up with it, so dont put up with it now. Fine, if a husband is still kind and caring and at least showing a reasonable amount of interest, we could say the woman is ONLY struggling with polygamy, and needs to work though it. You are struggling with polygamy but also with a husband who seems to have given up.

    I wrote this quickly so please forgive any errors.

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Heartbroken, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m sorry to hear that you were having so much trouble trying to post. I think it must have been due to your post being interpreted as advertisements. Thank you for notifying me about it. Insha Allah, I will try to check the Spam queue more often to check for legitimate post that may be there. Insha Allah, I’ll be back soon to read your post.

  • Heartbroken

    May 9, 2017

    Salam All
    Ana, I posted twice but my posts seem to just disappear. No waiting for moderation comment either after posting. Posting for the third time. If you do see the older posts pls delete them as this is my main post now.
    Thank you.

    Gail, thank you for your advice. You know, I used to be so much like you. No nonsense attitude and take no crap from anyone.. wonder what happened to me to take all this shitty crap from my hubby.
    So pissed and hurt today.
    I have been suffering from chest pain for the last 3 months or so but I put it down to stress so didn’t bother much.
    But the pain has actually increased last couple of weeks and coupled with my daily nose bleeds, I was a lil worried and so I just mentioned it to him and told maybe I need to see a doc about this.
    His reply… fix an appt and get it checked then. No need to tell me everything. You are a grown woman so look after yourself.
    Man that hurt when he said that! What a callous comment. I mean I will make the appt myself but what a crappy attitude toward me!

    I remember last month he rushed out even earlier than usual saying he had to take her to a doc for a blood test. I generally said I hope it wasn’t serious and he replied it doesn’t matter whether it serious or not. He wants to be there for her..It was just a stomach bug and she had some diarrhoea but whatever. But his worry and his wanting to be there for her.. I remember that well.

    But no talk of coming with me or at least ask what’s been happening with me.. when did it start. Just basic concerned questions a husband would ask his wife. So HURT right now.
    Am I being petty?

    I don’t drive so I take public transport or walk. It was pouring yesterday and I was stuck somewhere out so I called him and asked him if he could pick me and the kids up.. He refused saying that he was busy and to wait out the rain even though I was a mere 10 minutes away from his office. Nice huh? I had already waited more than an hour amd my younger one had fallen asleep in my arms so it was difficult to wait at a place which didnt have proper seating either. And it didn’t look like the rain was gonna stop anytime soon but no. He couldn’t be bothered.

    I know that she is chauffeur driven around by him. Whether it’s her errands or her going out to meet her girlfriend for lunch or dinner. He never waits for her to even ask. I have heard him tell her (several times)to call when she is done and he will come and pick her up no matter the time or how far he needs to travel.
    His words..Nice huh?

    He told me last week that he feels nothing for me at the moment.
    That he is home only physically but not mentally as I expect him home on my days so he comes as a favour to me. But he does not feel like coming home at all. That she makes him happy and I dont.

    On my Sundays after the mandatory 45 min to an hour max that he spends with us he rushes out immediately to be with her.

    And no he is not in the mood to go out with us as he doesn’t feel like it as he feels incomplete without her. Also, he feels bad to go out and and enjoy when she is alone without him. Whattt??

    All I hear is He is not happy cause she is not happy. She is suffering and going through a tough time because of him so how can I expect him to be happy with me and act like all is well in the world??!!

    He feels guilty for that . She is alone at home and has nobody as her family has abandoned her because of this marriage to him and he doesn’t like her to feel lonely. He feels so guilty that she is suffering because of him. Apparently she has given up everything to be with him.

    He says I have no right to feel sad or depressed as I have everything that she wants but doesn’t have. Go figure. I told him..i don’t have HIM.. And that it’s Him that I want. He shakes his head like I have made an immature comment and says I am selfish.

    And he told me that at least I have the kids to keep me company whereas she has no one except for him now.

    I have no say when he take my kids to meet her..

    He says I don’t understand him and that we are at different wavelengths. If there is any argument he says she is right as she speaks LOGIC and I don’t make sense to him. She sure knows how to talk to him. She is always calm and Zen and also knows how to emotionally blackmail him unlike the mess that I am.

    But my issue is with my hubby. To just forget the woman who has stood by him for more than 10 years and to say That i don’t know him and that I don’t understand him and to blatantly tell me that he is just going through the motions with me and that he feels nothing for me anymore.. I just can’t fathom the change in a mere 3 months!

    Am so tired of this nonsense.
    I cook lunch for him daily and he doesn’t bother to come home and eat. Breakfast and dinner was with her so lunch was supposed to be at home.. That was the deal. But he just stopped coming home. Either too busy or not hungry or some damn excuse so I stopped asking him but still made food for him.
    Will stop from tomorrow. Just gonna make food for me and the kids now..

    I am gonna leave him be. He doesn’t want me around or even acknowledge I exist so I guess I will stop even calling him now.
    I anyway call him only once a day that too after I haven’t seem him that day at all and never after 7pm on ANY day as I know that it’s personal time with her and he is done with work and he is spending quality time with her so I don’t disturb that time. Still he gets annoyed when I call and ask him if he has eaten and try and catch up with him for a few minutes which I anyway used to do and he didn’t mind earlier.
    But nowadays no matter what I do or say..it annoys him.
    A simple question or comment can make him bust out in anger..
    I am so damn tired and am so down emotionally.

    I will wait out what Allah has set out for me. Am sad that I have again fallen after a few days of being strong.

    I know I shouldn’t complain so much as it’s not physical abuse that I am going thru but this kinda emotional torture is putting me thru the wringer.

    Need to turn stronger towards Allah but am weak and find myself looking back at this again and again..
    I keep ‘re reading your advice dear sisters but when I am down like this it’s tough ladies.

    Khudahafiz.

  • Serena

    May 9, 2017

    Salam

    Mari2 thanks for replying but I wonder why he says to them he gives your more than he actually does? I would have thought he would say he doesn’t pay you at all or say much less than he gives you. Could Gails theory be true?

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Gail,

    I too foresee there being a major problem if Mari2 insists on an extra day or anything else that she hadn’t been receiving , especially when he’s catching Hell already for giving her any time at all. They want her gone completely.

    It’s almost always problematic when a wife waive equal time, but then later says she wants it – she wants it to be more just and fair. The wife who married first has just gotten used to the other being in the picture and now on top of it she had to adjust to the other wanting more. It’s why it’s best that the wife who joins the union start the marriage off at the onset the way she wants it to be and remain. (her intentions)

  • Gail

    May 9, 2017

    Ana,

    I honestly don’t mean to be funny when I write even I worry about my writing style coming across as mean or nasty or just some crazy southern woman.
    As far as Mari2 If it comes out he is cheating on her and cowife with another woman(which wouldn’t surprise me) Mari2 will be forced to make some hard choices I fear.Not to mention if her cowife is pregnant and she ask for an extra day.
    I doubt if her husband is cheating he will want to give Mari her day because that will take away from his online GF on one hand then on the other hand his cousin wife is going to $h!t a brick!!

  • anabellah

    May 9, 2017

    Gail,

    Please don’t miss Aseiya’s post to you. I accidentally approved yours without approving hers.

  • Gail

    May 9, 2017

    Mari2,

    Don’t take this the wrong way but logically I am wondering if he is telling them he is paying u more because he is keeping the rest of the money for himself to support his dating this other women(hidden Cash).Robbing Peter to pay Paul or in your case Robbing Mari to pay for Stephanie!If he is cheating around then money has to come from someplace unsuspecting and I think it’s very possible he is using u as a decoy with his mom and cousin wife(just a thought).
    Now about this taking an extra night.I doubt your husband himself is going to go for that if he is catting around much less your cowife and mommy dearest.If she is truly pregnant then my guess is u better forget anymore nights and start thinking every other weekend and if u insist on more I can only assume they will force his hand by hook or crook to divorce u.Maybe I am wrong I don’t know but your cowife is acting same like mine did and she wants u gone and a pregnancy is exactly what she needs to get the upper hand and force Mommy Dearest to take action.I am certain your MIL has told her to be Shir(a lion)meaning be strong but after she gets pregnant and start pushing out babies she will do everything in her power to force his hand to get rid of u.Again I might be wrong but I wouldn’t be shocked if he is telling her he is with u at times and out with Stephanie(my own made up name for his online GF).Just know what u r getting into before u and try to shake the apple tree.

  • Mari2

    May 8, 2017

    Serena,

    I too pray that Allah guides him. And my best friend constantly chides me for making things way too easy for M.

    And with his nights I suggested that come this summer, and a change in my work schedule that he give me one more night. His response: but then everyone will complain that you want more time. My response: sure they will. But I am not your mistress. I am your wife. I’d be happy to let the Imam explain this to your family. I am willing to sit down with 2, and you and mediate everything with an Imam present so that no one thinks that my requests are unjustified.

    And I get reimbursed a smidge for time at his store/gas money. It’s a 30 mile round trip, plus 20 hours per weekend . 280 dollars since January is what he’s given me and that’s fine. But believe me his family demands to know what he’s paid me. And of course he lies and makes his payout to me seem bigger. Not sure why. But they’re more than happy to accept any food or other items that I send their way.

  • Serena

    May 8, 2017

    Mari2

    Your husband has enough on his plate without needing to mess around online. He is being immature probably because he haa not got so much responsibility towards you. He may also be excited that his wife might be pregnant. Anyway hope Allah guides him.

    Mari2 it’s good alhumdulillah that you have your own money but he should be more of a husband to you too. I think he has taken you for granted. You have made life too easy for him. He doesn’t even have to divide his nights equally.
    Seriously think about how this marriage is helping you.

    With regards to work then maybe take time of for a few weekends. Are you getting paid for the weekend work? I know it’s not always about money but with the Pakistani from back home it usually is about money. I mean if you didn’t help out would he have to pay someone to work your hours?

  • Serena

    May 8, 2017

    Salam

    Jasmina

    Sister I often thought about you and a few other sisters who have not written here for a while.

    I hope your business is still doing well and Allah puts lots of barakah (blessing) in it.

    Your husband is old enough to make his own decisions. Even if his mother has told him to stay with the other he made the choice to obey her. Did he give you an explanation why he has to be there (you don’t have to answer here).

    Please take Ana’s advice and get someone to mediate. He should not abandon you like that and it is not fair on your little one either. Hope Allah makes things easy for you.

  • Flower

    May 8, 2017

    Muhammadsaddique.

    Always interesting to read a brothers outlook on polygamy. Yours was quite the shocker. You spoke of regrets, not wanting to hurt you wife, selfishness and men not being like animals. I’ll give my thoughts on these things.

    Regrets: people regret the things they do not benefit from or when the ‘bad’ outweighed the ‘good’. Id believe that a lot of men regret polygamy because in a lot of cases its overwhelming and stressfull. They should regret polygamy if they entered it insincerely I.e, not for the blessings and rewards. Insincerity is a major sin. Regret is the first step of repentance. If a man hoped to get a big happy family with two or more beautiful wives who take care of him and go on vacation together and he doesn’t get it hes bound to regret it, especially if one or more of the wives is going through a world of pain. If he hoped to be rewarded for his efforts then he may not have known or wanted to hurt a woman he loves but because of his sincerity to earn rewards he doesn’t regret. Why would a person regret earning rewards?

    You don’t want to hurt your wife: no man does (unless hes got a mental issue) do you think the men who enter polygamy know they are going to ’cause’ the level of pain they are witness to. Of course not, if they did, they wouldn’t do it. Except in very few cases where the good that would come would outweigh the pain the WOMEN go though (plural, because ALL polygamous wives are likely to go through a thing). I see what you doing, by putting other men down for being so “selfish” it makes you feel good, its known as ‘peacocking’. “I’m better than you because im not selfish”,as you give your feathers a ruffle.

    Men are ‘not’ like animals: you’re right, anyone who thinks that a man would wither away and simply cannot live without an extra wife is delusional. A lot of unnecessary problems come from this false belief. The wife/wives a man already has cry because they think they’re not good enough and the most recent wife crys because after some time it’s evident she wasn’t married to ‘complete’him and save him from a miserable marriage(s). A man can live happily with one or more wives and a man can live unhappily with one or more wives.

    Selfishness: Sometimes it’s OK to be selfish. But only when it’s done to better oneself in terms of religion and imaan. I’m selfish when it comes to my religion and the duties that have been ordered on me. Take for example if my husband is hungry and theres only say 20 mins left of a prayer time. Its selfish of me to go and pray instead of feeding my husband, but it’s better for ME, to pray. I dont feel bad or regretful for obeying my lord over feeding my husband. If a man admits he was selfish for marrying again for the rewards then it’s not a bad thing, he put paradise before his wife/wives and so he should. If he was selfish because he ONLY wanted to benefit in this life, then best believe he’ll wish he never did it.

    As a last point, its difficult enough to remain to sincere in our actions. This is increased when its something we enjoy doing or think we would enjoy. Liken it to your favourite meal, are you eating because you really like the food, or are you eating to increase energy levels so you can do more ibadah. Depending on your intention you could end up with indigestion, and needing to rest (bad) or the energy to worship Allah (good). You’d certainly regret eating all that food if it made you uncomfortable but not if allowed you to gain rewards.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2017

    Gail,

    About Mari2, I think she’s fighting an uphill battle, sadly to say. It appears she does things for her husband to see the value in her and appreciate her more. In essence, he may see the VALUE, and it ends there. His Pakistani cousin wife may be his queen oppose to his older wife who is a divorcee, with children from her previous marriage who are now grown- all of what Pakistani people reject. I don’t know how she thinks she is fitting in. He may have plans for Mari2 to bring more of his family to the States and have her care for his mother besides babysitting and fostering cousin wife’s children.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2017

    Gail,

    Your posts had me laughing as usual.

    I must say that some men will tolerate women slapping them and such. Some may even like it. But, let’s not forget that there are some who slap back or escalate the violence with a punch.

    Based on Heartbroken’s posts, she doesn’t sound to have the type of husband who let his wives tell him what to do. I doubt he’ll let her tell him what to do with his kids either.

    His other wife may treat the children nicely in an EFFORT to try to win their love and turn them against their mother. You mentioned that she may try it. It’s sad when parents use children to get what they want.

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2017

    Sister Jasmina, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s soooo good to hear from you, although I’m saddened to hear what is happening with you. This post will be short as I’m on my phone.

    First, it appears to me that your husband has abandoned you, which Allah tells men not to do to their wives. You’re very much aware that Allah has prescribed remedies for spouses who are having problems in their marriage. You need to get a mediator involved to help you. If you can’t do that, then you need to make your intent to leave the marriage or stay there and take what he’s dishing out to you. You’ve got options.

    If I remember correctly, she, his family and her family wants him to divorce you. It’s not looking good for you, if he obeys his mother and the rest of those folks rather than obey Allah. You know following Islam is not his priority.

    You can’t change your husband, but you can work on changing yourself. Your business is prospering and you’re back on your feet. Perhaps it’s time for you to make that move, seek a divorce. The other option is to wait for him to one day, some day, maybe come back to you. Don’t hold your breathe.

  • Gail

    May 8, 2017

    Sarata,

    I starting laughing at myself after rereading the post I sent u and I really do believe the way I described to u and I honestly do try to live my life that way but on the flip side I told Heartbroken I would punch my husbands teeth out if he dared to tell me some of the crap Heartbroken’s husband has told and done to her.LOL We are talking about cowives here though not husbands hahaha. Husbands are some kind of special test for women I think! Because I would totally punch my husbands lights completely OUT! Which I have on a number of occasions.I don’t know at times my husband makes me see nothing but RED! It’s a miracle him and I are both still alive as much as we fought in the past.

  • Gail

    May 8, 2017

    Sarata,

    I enjoyed reading your post about how flower explains about how wives should act.It’s funny because I’m not a Muslim but I always tried my level best to see the good in my excowife.Like I am totally serious here I went out and bought the girl clothes,shoes,Bras,Sexy nighties(u can’t get good stuff like here in USA in Pakistan) so I bought her and took her when I would go to Pakistan.It made me feel awesome inside doing it for her although she secretly hated me and now looking back I can see how she was indifferent with the things I bought which made me angry inside but I did my best to blow it off and not stay bitter(I did a pretty good job).
    What I learned over the years that I would like to share with u and the blog is that U should always focus on what u are doing…example.. if u give a cowife a gift u give it from your heart with happiness.It don’t matter if she likes it or hates it because u can’t control her emotions u can only control your own.I honestly believe the best among us is the person that doesn’t buy into other peoples negative emotions.Is it hard YEAH U BETCHA!! but how amazing it is not to be ruled by others and only live for Allah/G.D by taking the moral high ground and not because u have to or it is expected of u but because u LOVE being a blessing to others even if others can’t accept it.Just thinking about that thing alone makes me love Allah/G.D sooooo much it really is amazing if u stop and think about it.

  • Gail

    May 8, 2017

    Mari2,
    I am thinking the same as Ana on this one(nothing against you).So u know for a fact he is mixing up with another woman online?To be honest it wouldn’t surprise me because Pakistani men are notorious for trying to pick up women online for a romp in the hay or a side affair etc..Obviously his teen bride is boring to him and u are and older mature woman doing her own thing etc..Yeah I can totally see it happening(not a real surprice)
    Will accept him having a third wife if it comes to that when u only see him on the weekends as it is? I am pretty certain your cowife might just seriously hurt him if she were to find out not to mention his mother is going to blow a gasket!I hope for your and your cowife sake he is not catting around online.Your such a sweet lady it’s funny because I honestly don’t picture u with your husband but instead I see your husband as like an Islamic professor or something.lol

  • Gail

    May 8, 2017

    Heartbroken,
    I read your post.Listen for some reason I get the feeling like u think u have to take the verbal abuse ( U don’t).If my husband told me he would rather be with the other wife I would knock him toothless or a least try(seriously).See here is the thing I am noticing in u.For some reason u are focusing on his other wife and she is not the problem HE IS! Don’t focus any attention on that woman DON’t look at her DON”T think about her etc…Just focus on your husband and his lack of not being able to deal two marriages and u start taking matters into your own hands to heal yourself.Your husband is causing u grief so don’t look at him to heal your pain understand? Example…Don’t use your kids BUTTTTT if that woman is not on Friendly terms with u then DON”T send your children to the movies with them.Don’t reward them for disgusting behavior.U have got to put your foot down.There is no way I would let my own children even go off with their own biological mother without me and I will tell u why…because if she is treated me nasty or with indifference then obviously she will mentally screw up the children towards me as well.Don’t be naive in that department.In my case I am raising my excowife’s children and I have a biological child with my husband as well.My excowife wanted to cause strife between the children esp sense my child is a son understand.Now I am not saying forever but u must be a saint or really stupid to allow such nonsense in my opinion.Polygamy is not about having I am an IDIOT written on your forehead.The first think u have to do is admit there is a problem which u have done and the second step is identify the problems and start fixing them.Obviously your husband is going to pull a two year old tantrum and try to get his way DON”T GIVE IN because you got to make him see u are not playing with him.If u do give in then u might as well plan to live in misery from here on out.U need to also do alot of praying and ask Allah/G.D to give u discernment where it is needed.Eventually u will start seeing improvement and if u don’t then get on with your life don’t wait on him to fall back in love with you.U need to fall back in love with yourself.I am not telling u these things to get your husband back instead I am telling u to STOP being miserable and start a new exciting chapter in your life.One thing I learned our lives have many chapters some are not so great and some down right SUCK and others are pretty good and still others are Awesome!!Look the bottom line is your husband is not going anywhere and lets say he does it might just be a blessing instead of a curse from the way he is making u feel understand? Focus on making your and your kids life amazing.Bottom line it is sooo disgusting he is taking your children without u to go to the movies with that women.If it were me and I am dead serious here next time he wants to take the kids with him to take her to the movies The kids and I would be dressed and I would tell the kids it’s family night and we are all going to the movies.I would be as happy as “What about Bob” when he is going to the insane Asylum! I would be poking my head out the car and bouncing up and down and telling my kids and husband how great this is and how I exciting it’s going to be and I am ordering the largest bucket of popcorn and I would have the kids bouncing up and down with me! If my husband dared to open his mouth that I was not invited I would let him know You are going with him or u and the kids are going without him.Thats my nice version.My real version is I would bust him in the mouth but Ana doesn’t promote abuse on the blog but u get the idea! Don’t take any disrespect.I take it his other wife hates you????

  • anabellah

    May 8, 2017

    MuhammadSaddique,

    Who knows? Maybe you’re not courageous enough or self-assured to embark on a life of polygamy and have found an excuse as a cover.

  • anabellah

    May 7, 2017

    MuhammadSaddique, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s nice you’ve found the blog and thank you for commenting.

    However, I beg to differ with you about much that you have said here. No one has portrayed men as animals as you suggested. Men aren’t animal like for doing what Allah has allowed and decreed.

    The majority of the women here support polygamy or are trying to because it is a way of life that Allah has allowed for us. He has allowed men four wives, which means there will be women who will marry men who want more than one wife.

    Allah tells us that the Prophets are our example and we know our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was both monogamous at one time and then, when his wife died, he became polygamous. We Muslims who are striving to be believers are trying to accept the ENTIRE Quran. We don’t believe in making unlawful what Allah has made lawful. He has made polygamy lawful. You seem to have a problem with what Allah has allowed for men. Your problem is with your Lord.

    If you aren’t inclined to have more than one wife, then apparently Allah hasn’t decreed for you to have more than one. Who are you to say it’s wrong to do when Allah says it’s okay to do? Don’t condemn others and find fault in them for doing what Allah has allowed. I suggest you seek knowledge – the Truth before you go blabbing off at the mouth and condemning what Allah has made permissible for us.

    There is so much wrong with what you’ve said, and it would take more than a post to address it.

    I strongly suggest you rethink what you have said. Are you saying that our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was “selfish” and hurt women in being polygamous? HE IS OUR EXAMPLE. Any man who is polygamous is so because ALLAH DECREED IT. ALLAH SAYS BE AND IT IS.

  • Sarata

    May 7, 2017

    @Lizzy
    Welcome to the blog – and to Islam too In’shaa Allāh https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

    Are you a English by any chance? Just asking because where some ladies were maybe misinterpretting what you wrote because of the terms you used, I think i got where you were coming from and reading the replies I was thinking “no, she doesn’t mean it that way”. Then you clarified things and verified my interpretations lol.

  • Sarata

    May 7, 2017

    @Flower
    I’ve just been doing a bit of catching up on the postings and yours always stand out.
    Specifically when addressing the “fairness between wives” issue.
    You wrote “Imagine if instead of a wife saying “if you buy her shoes, you need to buy me shoes or you’ll go to hell” she says “read some Quarn, remember Allah, so you can go to paradise”.
    This really stood out to me as a great example of how a muslimah should be thinking.
    I understand when a woman feels she is losing control of one thing (i.e. Hubby when he takes another wife) so she will obsess over anything that she feels she can control. Maybe this is why the split of time and money ends up being the main focus for some.

    But as Anna previously alluded too – it’s not going to be entirely possible to be 50/50 kind of fair all the time and to expect that is kind of unreasonable (and a waste of energy.)
    This is the case with me & my co. We are from diff cultures, have different preferences, wants, needs etc. Sometimes that means (financially speaking) one of us may have more spent on us than the other – but alhamdulillah we both understand that so it’s never an issue.
    We can’t control our husbands, co-wives or anyone else for that matter. What we should focus on is controlling our own selves and progressing on our spiritual path.
    If we focus on Allāh enough He will aid us in the rest In’shaallah.

  • MuhammadSaddique

    May 7, 2017

    Salam ladies,

    I’ m married man who considered polygamy short time ago. Some days ago I found this blog. I’ m very glad actually to discover this blog as it gave me good understanding what wives feel when husbands remarry. Thanks for this blog. But I realised that I can’t put my wive even through fraction of such test. As I love her very much. The only thing that offended me as a man in ur blog, wives who submitted to polygamy attack women who doesn’t allow man to remarry or treaty him with divorce. Many of u here believe that we( men) are animals & suffer without extra output.Man suffer without second wive not more than woman without Gucci bag. PLEASE stop portray us as animals who have no control over our own bodies. It s offensive.I talked with many polygamous men & most agree it was not worth it. If man truelly loves his wive, he will not break her heart. Only selfish men will do it. Guys I talked it admitted it was selfish of them & majority do regret.
    Salam.

  • Jasmina

    May 7, 2017

    Salamu alaykum dear sisters and Ana

    I haven’t been on the blog for a very long time because to be honest my life took a huge turn and it was great alhamdulillah and my marriage improved so much. I was so happy until now.

    But how are you Ana? I feel bad I stopped coming back but also I got so busy with my business, it went a long way too that even my husband wants to come work with me but that’s another story.

    I have missed you all, but particularly now because my husband has been with his other for ages now almost 2 months on the request of his mother. I’m distraught. I don’t know how to deal with it. I haven’t said anything to him, but now I can’t handle it anymore and I have to address this injustice. He says he will make it up to me but I’m just not sure above it that. He won’t even stop by, he doesn’t see me of our child, it’s all too much for me now. Please help. How can I address this without taking us back to step 1.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2017

    Mari2,

    It may be best if you let your husband take care of you the way that he should. He certainly is taking care of his other wife and his and her family. It’s not as though you and they are all working together for a common goal – to serve and worship Allah to enter Jannah. Believe me, if your husband was taking care of you as he should, you’d feel a lot better about what’s going on. You’d care a whole lot less about what he does and who he does it with.

    After all, he has two wives. I’m all for Muslims working together in unison and harmony to serve and worship Allah. There is a distinct difference between working for this world’s life and striving for the Hereafter.

  • anabellah

    May 6, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I think first you need to take a good look at your marriage and determine where you see it going and what you see it being. Allah knows best whether your husband is looking for a third wife or just playing around with a woman on the net or something more or something less. Many foreigners (“Muslims”) come to the US to live as Americans, not looking for Islam and not wanting to live it. Perhaps you and he could have different objectives.

    You’ve been here for quite some time now on this blog. You’ve read what many have written here over the years about how some Pakistanis, particularly the men, are. Sometimes I thinks you’ve ignored what has been said, thinking you and your husband and his cousin wife are the exception to what appears to be the rule.

    Many of those men are opportunists. The writing is on the wall. For instance, you mentioned “His inability to have a conversation with me until the day before he needs me to work 20 hours over 2 days at his store so he can provide a roof over other peoples’ heads, his plans to claim his nieces and nephews as dependents on his tax return, and his announcement to me that 2 might be pregnant and “you can help provide for the baby. You can be like a godmother and babysit.” You sponsored his other wife to come here.

    So, what do you expect? You can’t get blood from a stone.

    Where do you see your marriage going? What is your intent? One thing you could do is ride the waves and see where they take you. I dunno. I do know you can’t change him, his mother, his other or anyone else. You could only work on changing you. Perhaps you’ll wake up one day and say, hey, I’m out of here…and kiss drama goodbye. (Shoulder shrug) beats the hell out of me…

  • Mari2

    May 5, 2017

    And hours later when I told him how hurt I was considering the miscarriage I had in the past, he responded by saying: Just kidding with you…why u take it seriously?

  • Mari2

    May 5, 2017

    Salam to all,

    Thank you all for your replies and advice. I honestly believe that Ana hit the nail on the head about turning to Allah. And yes, Allah has blessed me by allowing me to continually support myself. HE has blessed me in many ways and I always make my thanks to Him each and every time that I pray,or when the simplest of things happen that brings joy to my heart, be it for me or others.I have no doubt that Allah alone is the benefactor of my existence.

    Perhaps I could avoid Satan more if my husband wasn’t compelled to bring him to my door. Or maybe Allah is just revealing the smack in the head that I need to say adios. His behavior on line with another woman that my friends witnessed and screen shot to me. His inability to have a conversation with me until the day before he needs me to work 20 hours over 2 days at his store so he can provide a roof over other peoples’ heads, his plans to claim his nieces and nephews as dependents on his tax return, and his announcement to me that 2 might be pregnant and “you can help provide for the baby. You can be like a godmother and babysit.” Godmother? He’s Catholic now? Baby sit? I literally vomited from the stress. Then he called back later telling me about an apartment complex with up coming places to move into with great prices. And he suggested that I move in there too. Me: ummm…hell to the no. What on earth is wrong with him?

  • Flower

    May 5, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Never worry about a long comment. Write as much as you want to, I know Ana feels the same as she said it many times. Dont get me wrong, im not saying your husband is correct in the way hes dealing polygamy but I know the most important things to work on are our ownselves. Even with the most fair, disaplined husband, its still a tough pill to swallow. Once your stronger youll be better equipped to deal with other issues. It may not take you 2 years to get to a good place, it can be shorter inshaAllah. I didnt feel awful, everyday. Some days I was ok. It went like this for me. Husband mentioned polygamy and re married about 1 year after the first discloser, I spent 1 year a complete mess, 2 years getting to a stable place and the last 2 year going through a process of healing. I felt I needed a ‘healing process’ since in my mind I had suffered emotional trauma. I took polgamy REAL bad. I still have a few self protective habits, like I always see husband to the door, never let him shut it behind him. I never noticed I always do this, he did and asked why. Its an individual journey but it’s great to have the support of sisters who are provided polygamy. Remember sis, bit by bit.

    Ummof4
    You said something so important. A woman may not realise while she’s going though the stages of polygamy that some of the things she says to her husband hurt him too. My husband has expressed to me that some of my words to him cut very deep, to point he cried. I couldn’t see it at the time, I thought he was made of stone, he kept it together very well. I did read some of my diary to my husband, not the real bad stuff that contained so many profanities I could barley read it back. But when I wrote of my loneliness, ‘imagined’ abandonement, insecuritys etc. We had some very special moments,it brought us closer together, it was part of my healing process. We were never a romantic,lovey dovey couple, we were more like a well oiled machine getting jobs done, learning, raising children, building a home etc. Then romance and all the things you mention came after polygamy. People don’t stay the same and niether do marriages.

  • ummof4

    May 5, 2017

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    I’ve been reading a few comments lately, and I completely agree. We all have to realize that men and women are completely different when it comes to feelings and emotions. However, that’s a good thing because it comes from Allah, who created us this way. Once I talked to a sister who was extremely upset with her husband because he didn’t say that he loved her enough. When I questioned her further, it seemed that she had never expressed this to her husband; she just thought that he should know it. Men are not mind readers, we have to talk to them, then give them time to react the way in which they wish to react, not the way that we want them to react. This sister’s husband was not a man who talked much, but he always took care of his responsibililties. To him, making sure that her car was in prime condition and safe was his way of expressing his love to her.

    When we were first married 42 years ago, my husband was very romantic and verbally expressed his love. Through the years of rearing children, these expressions decreased. And my expressions of love decreased as well, with 4 children to look after. Now that the children are grown with spouses and children of their own, the expressions have increased again. We even get on our children’s nerves with our lovey dovey ways – always kissing, hugging and saying sweet nothings and sexual innuendos to each other.

    I’m saying all this to say that both husbands and wives go through changes in a marriage. This happens if the marriage is monogamous or polygynous. That’s why it is so important for us to concentrate on our relationship with Allah first; to be concerned about being the best Muslimahs we can be; to obey our Lord. Many times what we perceive as our husbands not being interested in us is simply the husbands being preoccupied with LIFE.

    Flower, it’s nice that you remembered my suggestion of writing. Again ladies, write the angry, sad, depressed letters to your husband that you think he should read. Then put them away and NEVER let him read them. You will feel better because you let your feelings out, but in a place where you will not have to start an argument. This is not done out of fear of the husband, but out of love. We don’t like to be criticized for every little thing that we do, and neither do our husbands. If we stay positive, that positive energy will affect all around us and become contagious. My children are all well-adjusted adults who grew up in polygyny. They don’t hate polygyny, their mother, or their father. In fact, my husband and son are in a doctor’s appointment together right now because my son has been having health issues.

    Sometimes we have to be patient and see what Allah has in store for us. We have to stick around and wait until the end of the movie, don’t leave in the middle.

    Disclaimer: No, I am not advocating staying in a marriage that is abusive physically, mentally or emotionally.

    Everyone have a wonderful Jum’uah and get ready for Ramadan, Alhamdulillah!

  • Heartbroken

    May 5, 2017

    Salam All
    Thank you all for the advice.
    Like you said Ana, it takes time. I am able to take advice given here for a couple of days But then an incident will occur where he hurts me really bad and I regress.

    He is unwillingly to talk to anyone incl his father about this as he feels that there is no serious issue to talk about and also that it is a private matter.

    I hope Sara gets her peace. I can totally understand what she is going through. I really really hope that 2 years down this road I would have found my peace. I cannot imagine feeling this terrible for years.
    I may just go mad lol.

    I must admit, I would have gotten irritated like Mari2 too if I had told/shown him something in excitement and he was more focused on buying it for the other. I mean, Show a little attention here before u go and focus on the other wife again!

    Shows I have a long long way to go before I reach the calm reaction of Gail or Ana or any of the other veterans of polygamy here. you girls have been through it all by now.

    I hope to feel secure and act mature like you guys one day.
    Even his moods affect my moods now..
    It really feels terrible to see how low and weak I have become.

    After the terrible childhood amd teenage years I have gone through with extreme physical and emotional and mental abuse,I thought I had been through it all and can overcome anything and have become a strong individual..but NO! This brought me to my knees!

    He was a good and loving husband to me all these years and I guess to see him change into this man who acts like he cant bear to be alone with me, makes me sad.

    He refuses to do anything that he feels is unfair to her or go anywhere with me if he feels she will feel hurt. Eg- a new restaurant, a new movie etc.. she hasn’t been there so apparently he can’t take me too.
    And his excuse is he is ALWAYS BUSY.

    Not that he is even home to take me but I do still ask.

    But I dont see the same courtesy for me as I know he does everything for her and with her!
    I see pics of him at restaurants that I wanted go to but he is too busy to take me to.. Any errands she is chauffeur driven around meanwhile I take public transport with the kids..he never seems too busy for her!

    Or, he would take my kids out with her for a movie or just to hang out etc whenever she feels like it or feels lonely or whatever.

    But if I ask him to spend time with me AND the kids together as a family he tells me to take them out myself. Does he not realize that I would like to spend family time WITH him too?
    Petty issues I know but boy.. does it hurt!

    Once he told me he was doing me a favour by coming home to me otherwise he would be with her fulltime instead!

    Well the old me would have shown him the door and told him to not be doing me any great favours thank you very much and to please leave if he didn’t wanna be with me..lol

    But now I just shut up and take his talk and then feel all hurt inside and try to make excuses for him.
    I mean I can’t blame him totally cause, as pointed out sometimes it’s my behaviour acting up.. but trust me when I say I have said and done absolutely nothing wrong most days and he still acts like this..

    Most days I shut up take it but it eats me up inside..

    In these situations I don’t know how to act, how to reply.. just how to be I guess.
    It’s just he has never been like this with me ever.. so I don’t know what on earth to do..

    But as someone said .just let him be..

    When he comes home all stressed cause of some drama that she has gone through with her parents (cause she will still call and complain) I get irritated cause already our situation is so bad and now so this is added stress in our marriage that I don’t need!

    Gosh.. so much to sort through.
    As someone said..S$%t happens. Move on.

    I need to get thru my head that life will not always go the way I want.
    I had a terrible first 19 years of my life, then a wonderful 12+ odd years married life with him amd in general Mashallah and now I shall see how the next few years go lol.

    Anyway.. time to get strong now .. I hope I don’t fall down often. I hope to turn to Allah the right way, the way you ladies have done and won this emotional war.
    Thank you Ana for saying you ladies will always be here to help me up when I fall. I have a feeling I will fall again and again but I also know that InshaAllah, through Allah I will get my peace one day.

    Sorry for the long post..AGAIN!

    KhudaHafiz all..

  • Gail

    May 5, 2017

    Mari2,

    I read your post.It sounds like to me u need a vacation from your own life.lol No seriously though u really do need a vacation.I also totally get where u are coming from about wanting M to be more into you and your conversation.I think I would take it has a complement that he wanted to give the website to 2 because it has nice clothes and were happy telling him about it.I think u should take it as a compliment seriously… not sure how 2 will take it but men are not women so I doubt u were going to get anything to gushy from him.lol

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Mari2,

    Your money is what Allah has given you as a gift or trust for you to do with it whatever Allah allows you to. Most people who don’t want another to spend money, it’s usually because they have plans for your money. The plan usually is to benefit them. Your husband has a tribe to take care of; don’t forget it, which I doubt that you can.

    About getting a little peeved about him wanting the website address to give to 2, I get it. However, just remember that she will only get what Allah has decreed for her. If she gets anything from that site, perhaps you’ll get barakats for sharing. Don’t let Satan get to you. In the future, if you don’t want 2 to know something, don’t share the info. with your husband. Whether you share it or not Allah determines it, anyhow. Just go with the flow…

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Mari2, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Allah controls the hearts. He control the heart of each of us. it’s not gender related. He causes laughter and tears, as well. He says so in the Quran. He teaches and He gives understanding to whom He Wills, as well.

    Perhaps you’re feeling less inclined towards your husband because you’re turning your attention away from him more and towards Allah. Allah knows best.

    Once we truly turn our attention towards Allah our feelings for His creation changes, as well. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about anyone anymore, nor love anyone. Love and caring becomes placed in its proper perspective. Believers are compassionate people. Allah tells us to turn all our attention to Him. Maybe you’re complying.

    Furthermore, maybe you’re becoming acclimated to your alone time without M. It’s not uncommon. Some of us here on the blog have said it has happened.

    Eventually we come to accept what Allah has decreed for us and find joy in it. Allah knows what is best for us.

    With all the drama you’ve had lately with “2”, you probably not only relish alone time, but have come to see M as a representation of drama when you see him LOL

    Everyday is different. Maybe you’ll feel more inclined towards M tomorrow. Don’t overthink it. Take some deep breaths, breathe. Remember every day will be different. Don’t expect any day to be the same.

  • Mari2

    May 4, 2017

    Salam to all. I know that in past discussions we’ve spoken of how it is Allah who puts feelings into a husband’s heart,and how a husband does not or cannot feel equally about both. So who puts the feelings in the wives hearts? I only ask because I have noticed that over the past month,I feel less inclined toward M.

    Sure I love him and want the best for him. But I have noticed that as the weekends approach (my time), I get a feeling of anxiety and dread as to the thought of spending time with him. Maybe the fact that our time is subjected to continuous drama by her causes me to feel this way. Maybe it’s the fact that I have to work an additional 2 days at his store along with the 5 I already worked at my own job that exhausts me AND deal with her drama too.

    I just feel rather drained. Maybe it’s my hormones. Maybe it’s the fact that I am burnt out at my primary job. Maybe I just am in need of a break from the 7 day a week work routine. I just cannot put my finger on the source of my current “meh” feelings about M.

    I just feel like a tightly wound ball. So much so that last evening I became juvenilely annoyed at the stupidest thing ever. I totally regressed to the age of 4: weeks ago I discovered a great site of a company in Turkey that sell abaya and other modest clothing for a great price. I ordered 2 abaya for Ramadan and some hijab (my own money of course which is fine). When I told M about my order, he chastised me for spending money (my own). They abaya arrived yesterday and I happily shared my pleasure with the quality with M. Did he ask me for a picture of the abaya or me wearing the abaya? No. Did he even say anything remotely akin to “glad you got good quality yada yada”? No.

    Instead he asked me to give him the site because 2 might want some abaya too. And his request made me mad. And it’s stupid of me to be mad about it, but it made me mad anyway.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Flower,

    I know and can relate to EXACTLY what you’re talking about!

    Enjoy your special time with your husband when he gets home. I’m happy that you’re happy. 🙂

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    In my last post, a more appropriate word than “responsible” would be “accountable”.

  • Flower

    May 4, 2017

    Ana
    Yes,that’s true. Most of the things I write about on here iv experienced. I did the whole “that’s not fair” thing. Now, when I look back in can see I just didn’t want to share. I thought it was unfair because it’s not what I wanted. I came across an old diary(or 2) from the early polygamy days (a long time ago, ummof4 suggested we write down our feelings and also note the days when we feel the worse) boy, was I one crazy chick. I dont even know what hell I was thinking (if I was thinking at all). One thing I wrote a few times was “my marriage is over, I dont have a marriage anymore” well, im still married, so I guess I was wrong on that one. I can laugh about it now but it certainly wasn’t funny at the time.

    Its really important not to stay stuck. I know some women cant see it right now, but it does get better, you will care less, if at all about the little things that seem like huge problems right now.

    BTW, Husband is back home now from his long journey. I was fine on my nights without him. Whereas I thought I’d miss the late night phone calls, I realised I missed the evenings to myself, lol. Funny how what we think it’s going to be awful and it turns out quite the opposite, ALHAMDULILLAH!!!!!.

    Hes back (again) tonight from his nights with his other wife, so y’all no im too excited right now https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_yahoo.gif

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    I think a woman is on her way to accepting polygamy and her lot in life when she has moved beyond worrying about, talking about and complaining about what “just” and “fair” is in a marriage. It comes in remembering that Allah is a “Just” God and controls all that is in the heavens and the earth and all between.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Oh Flower,

    I forgot to mention. You Rock! You were right on point about “chastity”. People are responsible for themselves individually. A wife is crazy to blame her husband, if she goes outside her marriage to get her groove on and get busy with another man. That’s ludicrous.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Flower,

    Nice post with lots of food for thought as always. I’m tracking (following you). :-)

    You hit the nail on the head when you spoke about how many women obsess about what their husbands do and whether it’s “just” and “fair”. As you stated, it would be better if she encourages him to serve Allah, as in the examples that you gave. Furthermore, if a wife would concern herself about her own worship of Allah she’d be better off. Many who obsess about what their husbands are doing and harp on whether they are just and fair do so because they have a strong dislike for polygamy and are angry because they aren’t getting what they want. They want their husbands to dance to their beat. They don’t believe, know or understand that Allah is in control and rules. They put their emphasis on people. They need to stop looking at what the husband is doing and get their own selves together.

  • Flower

    May 4, 2017

    Be the change in ur life.

    Hey there sis,

    Welcome to 411. You touched on some important points. I do feel though that some women can get a bit over excited and obsessive when it comes to fairness/equality between wives. I dont think that when men experience pressure, stress and lack of free time it is a lesson to only have one wife and life would be easier if he ‘only had one’. Life would be easier if he married women who care about Allah more than they care about themselves. Some think that’s its a form of punishment for having taken an extra 1, 2 or 3 wives. We need to remember that were not punished in this life or the next for doing things that are allowed. We’re punished for doing things wrong, or doing things were not supposed to be doing.

    If a man thinks he has to do EVERYTHING equal, like how you allude to, he would literally spend every waking moment running after his wives. So what time does that leave for his own personal worship that involves no one but him, like praying, dhikr, reading,learning, contemplation. The fact he has stress, pressure and a lack of free time is a direct result of believeing his only duties and the ones he owes to his wives, the wives further enforce this belief by being constantly dissatisfied and constantly complaining that the husband is unfair, even sometimes telling him he’ll go to hell (as if she knows) I dont know why a wife would rather encourage her husband to stress about making sure he gave one wife a footrub because he gave the other one(s) a footrub. When she could encourage him to perform extra prayers etc.

    Imagine if instead of a wife saying “if you buy her shoes, you need to buy me shoes or you’ll go to hell” she says “read some Quarn, remember Allah, so you can go to paradise”

    It ties in with what ummof4 said “get a life” once you do, you realise your husband is NOT there to take care of you every need physically, emotionally and mentally. Those needs was being taken care of by your lord, the woman didn’t see it because she was so busy being ungrateful and trying to punish her husband for taking another wife or in some cases keeping the wife/wives he already had.

    When it comes to remaining chaste, I understand that marriage helps to fufil a lawful desire for intimacy, however even without marriage or a marriage where the couples are apart for long amounts of time or a marriage where sex is not regular, we still have to remain chaste, if a person commits adultery or fornication no one is to blame but them. The fact we do have a lawful way to fufil a desire for intimacy and sexual pleasure is a blessing not gureenteed. In other words, if your husband doesn’t have sex with you or vice versa its not a free pass to get busy with a non spouse and if you do, its your sin, not theirs.

    We stand alone on the day a judgement, we cannot blame others for the wrong we did, and they cannot blame us for the wrong they did.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, :-)

    I hear you about becoming tired of women acting as if their husbands are their world so to speak. One thing being in a polygamous marriage will do is show a woman how her focus is on the wrong things in life. Allah tells us to turn all our attention to Him. Women have a tendency to turn all their attention to their husbands when the husbands become polygamous. Life is not about a husband. The limited number of ayat (verses in the Quran) about marriage and spouses should let one know that. Polygamy is a good thing in that it could help a woman draw nearer to Allah if she knows Islam. Polygamy could take her further away from Him, as well, if she doesn’t have knowledge.

    There is one ayah in particular that comes to mind in which Allah asks us if we think that we will have all that we hanker after. We won’t. I don’t have the ayah at my fingertips.

    Wives need to get over thinking that their husbands and their lives are going to be all that they want it to be. I can’t say it enough that they fail to think about or know what Allah says about life with regard to test/trial and punishment. We will have hardships in this life. He says He created us into toil and struggle.

    We MUST read the Quran, if we want to know about life. Allah gives understanding to whom He wills, as well. Not all will be given understanding, but if one doesn’t seek it, he or she definitely won’t receive it.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    We have so many wonderful commentators here and I’m so grateful to Allah for all.

    I don’t mean to minimize the good advice that anyone has given. Sometimes I just point out certain posts that stand out to me.

    Flower, I love your post to Sara, ESPECIALLY what you said to her about Satan – the brief history that you gavehttps://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_good.gif

    Furthermore, I like what you said about her need to know or not know what her husband doesn’t share with her. Allah reveals or conceals what He decides to reveal or conceal. Allah knows what is best for us. We don’t know why He does what He does. He is a Doer of what He wills.

    Thanks for sharing with us about your beautiful experience with your son and the comparison you made with the other mother and her son. We truly have so much to be grateful to Allah for, yet we take so much for granted.

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    Mr. Collies, As Salaamu Alaikum https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_bye.gif

    I remember you, dear brother. It has been a long time since we last heard from you, It was so nice of you to stop in and give us a shout out. I pray that you and your family are well and thank you much for all your well wishes. I hope you’re having a blessed morning and you’ll have a blessed day and night in beautiful South Africa. https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_smile.gif

  • anabellah

    May 4, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Hello to All You Wonderful People in Cyberspace,

    Below is a friendly reminder to all about what Allah says regarding men being “fair and just” with their wives. I suggest all read it and contemplate it thoroughly, as many people have misconception or misunderstanding or no understanding of what Allah says about a man’s capability in being “fair and just” as between their wives.

    Allah says:

    “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint Allah is Oft-Forgiving Most Merciful.” Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 129

  • Mr Collies

    May 4, 2017

    In south africa its morning, morning to everybody, its been long since I logged in the group, im back i missed u all, i used to think about u every single day, hope all of u are good doing well, i so missed you guys, i still need to caught up. hope ur well, to those going good wonderful and to those feeling down it will get better trust me, with love, i missed you guys

  • be the change in ur life

    May 3, 2017

    I will also point out to everone whos husband is polygamous in regards to ur co wives.

    When u want for others what u want for urself

    u must also be understanding of thier situation and what they are going through u must put urself in thier shoes.

    It helps

    And it also helps to have mutal care and respect for each other

    Or even if ur co doesnt with u be the higher person and do it for Allah ok 😊

  • be the change in ur life

    May 3, 2017

    Dear heartbroken, i hope you read this
    I was once in a similar situation so i feel i am fit to give you good advice,
    From what i understand your husband had married secretly for 5 years and you found out. You said that in your marriage there was a time that kids and finance was u and ur husbands focus and u didnt pay much attention to him.

    Before i start i cannot stress enough
    That if a man enters into polygamy while his first family, his first house hold is not steady and is having problems be it for whatever reason he has defenantly disobeyed Allah and he is in fault for that and anything bad that comes along with it is on his head and his responsibilty. Unfortuantly alot of men do this and alot of people suffer because of this.

    Now for what i wrote for you before
    Do not blame urself for this, kids and finance is also a husbands responisbilty so he also has a part to play if things went sour and if he or you were neglected. Thts what marriage is, not just for the good times we go through hardship together and we are understanding of what each other are going through not jusdgemental because like the quran says how we are a comfert a soource of tranquility for each other. Our partners and ourselfs are suppose help us to become best of ourselfs but unfotunatly alot of couples and people are not like this and it comes from the shaytan trying to pull couples and marriages apart. The problem of this generation is the family unit which can be the cause of much curroption just look at what a broken household can do and u see my point.

    I do not agree with a husband marrying secretly a man has no reason to hide a polygamous marriage from his wife. There is no excuse if he is worried about the consequences he shuld ask himself why he is worried because the wife will find out and Allah will show the his wife wether it is straight away, a few years later, on his death bed or when he is dead and it will affect everyone around him wether he likes it or not if a man wants to become polygamous he must do it the way Allah wuld want it and not alter things in the name of islam which is was alot of people do now days and unfortuanlty i have seen poeple who teach islam do this we must be careful and follow the quran as we are of that day and age we cant trust everything we see and read or hear.
    I culd go more into detail about this but i dnt hve time.

    Look dear i understand how u feel ive been through it too u wuld feel like a failure, feel like ur co is better than u, feel like there must be something wrong with u or ur lacking something, what u have stated and more. U need to know all of those thoughts and feelings about u are not true. And i am 100% sure Allah wuld not like u thinking or feeling this way about urself.

    Its time for u to wake up to reality and for u to fight againts the shaytan because this is what the devil wants u to do because this is one of ur many test Allah is giving u and its a big one and the shaytan wants u to fail.

    Yes dear what ur husband did and is doing is wrong the quran states that a man must be fair and justly if not then he shuld only marry one. Now i know the exact wording of the quran and it does not say be fair and justly only in finance or only in sex or only in time it says fair/ just so that means with everything. And thats were people debate they debate aboy what is fair and they use it to thier own convienace and alot of wrong is done and alot of poeple hurt.

    Now let me give u a scenario of why a man may validly have his heart towards a wife more than the other.
    If a man is being fair to what the quran states with everything
    Time betweens wives, money according to each family needs. Eg. If a wife has more kids than the other or one wife is sick so not giving more money for nonvalid reason. He shuld not favor sex with one wife as sex is vital for any relationship to blosom and also so no one feels neglected for them to go and be tempted to have an affiar it happens wether muslim or not. Fair with how much a man loves his wife a man shuld not love one more if he does it means he needs to see why he does and then fix tht problem wether it is him or his wife doing somethung because a man can love two people equally.the man is making sure the enviroments he is giving his wifes are good pleasant happy safe whatever u word u want to put it.the man also not bringing anything eg problems or anything in general from that household to the wifes household he must be able to not let that affect his time with his other family. If a man is doing and giving failry tht no one is getting more or less and is not neglected but one of his wifes is rude to him or fighting or jelouse for no reason i say this because there is no reason for jelousy u need to look at urself to make urlife better how u want it. I will get into detail with tht after. If one wife is causing trouble of course then the man wuld feel himself inclining towards one more than the other.

    The damage has been done and u need to understand u cant keep going in like this because u will fail u will only cause more sin and trouble for urself and they shaytan will catch u and drag u to hell life in this and the next will be miserable.

    What u need to do is make a decision wether u will stay in polygamy or not. Now i wuld suggest u do istakhara i cant spell it correctly its the thing u do when u ask god to help u make a desision when u are unsure of what to do because Allah knows what is best for us. Now if u are certain u want stay then things will need to change which i suggest changing urself first like what says in the quran Allah will not change a sitaution for people until they change themselves.

    U need to firstly stop those thoughts and understand ur thoughts and feelings are not true
    U need to start looking after ur health ur body ur skin ur hair whag u eat and drink things that every muslim shuld do as Allah gave u that body make urself feel beautiful as u deserve too no human can make u feel beautiful because if they did it was u first then that person adding it later but we dont realise it.
    U also need to look after ur insides u need to focus on becoming the person u want to be and become closer to Allah
    U need to focus on being grateful to Allah for what he has given u because Allah gives mmore and more to people who are thankful and show gratitude.

    Now with ur husband u need to understand if ur going to stay u need to be able to forgive him and forget the past and move one lets say imagine ur starting a new life with him. Things will not improve until u forgive and forget what happend and u need to accept dear that ur husband has another wife and is polygamous. Now in regards to ur husband not being fair which is causing him sin it is ur duty as his wife to help him become closer to Allah and not sin. It is a delicate matter i am not sure what ur husband is like but i can suggest u communicate to him i suggest u and ur husband sit down i suggest u explain to him that u have decided to stay in this marriage with him and that u have forgiven him for what he has done to u and pain and hurt he caused u and that u want to start a new life with him. U need to tell ur husband that what he has been doing is not how Allah has said in the quran to do polygamy he needs to know this and u need to explain go to ur husband that if he wants to be able to keep both his wifes and continue polygamy he needs to learn how to do it correctly and in a way that brings peace to everyone which is possible! Not what is just convienant to him or his other what he needs to do it the way Allah says or he should not be doing polygamy because he will cause himself alot of sin and a way to hell. Now if ur husband is not interested or disagrees i then suggest u involve someone who is like a sayed or shiek or imam someone who is higher that can show him or help him correct his ways and mistakes and can help fix his life and make him understand.
    If he agrees with u then i suggest u talk with him gently and kindly and work it out with him.
    U need to forget what he has done and be the wife u want to be with ur husband do not bother competing with his other wife because u r not her u r ur own unique self and she can never be the beautiful amazing person u r.
    Focus on what u want with ur husband not what she has because just remeber the grass isnt greened on the other side dear ok focus on making ur family and ur life with ur husband the best and one that Allah will be pleased with and will give u more blessings because u made this change and everything around u was affected and changed in positive way. Stay positive and also have patience.

    Now with ur co, i wuld have to ask wether she knew ur husband was married or not to know why or if she is having problems. But what i must say is ur husband shuld not be bringing those problems letting it affect ur time. He shuld be able to contact her or u but when u or u kids are not around so he needs to learn the best way for him to be able to do this because u and her as his wives have a right to be abke to contact him and anytime as long as it is reasonable u know what i suggest he gets a seperate msnged for each for eg whatsapp for her and viber for u and keep it on silent tht way u can msg anytime and she wont know and when he is free to read it when she isnt around then he can and reply for things that are not important.

    U need to also be able to love for others what u want for urself so that means not to have hatred and a grudge againts ur co wife u shuld want the best for her what u wanf for urself ok.
    And like i said dont compare urslef with her improve urself and ur family and enviroment ok dear make it best for u and ur husband if there is a will there is a way no matter what!

    U said u co is younger dw tht doesnt affect anything nor does it mean shes better i was 20 and my co 15 years older than me and i was his first wife. So age means nothings ladies!

    I also suggest u help ur husband be fair towards ur co and if he says anything nasty or somethings he shuld not about her to u tell him not to explain it is wrong and that u wuldnt want him telling his co bad things about u.

    Do not give up on ur life dear u have so much potential and god has made u special and unique ok we all are

    Trust me with what i have adviced u on do not let it go down the drain ok

    I have experiance and regrets and i have been through this it might not be the exact thing ur going through but it was very similar.

    I know its hard but u deserve better and u need to wake up to reality and make ur life better ok

    Idk if i have forgotten anything if i have ill let u know lol

  • Rosa

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy

    Your choice of words was just a little different. Apologies for misreading you.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy,

    Thank you much for elaborating and not taking offense to what we said. It appears you and your husband have a lovely, loving relationship. I’m very happy for you. We’d love to help you learn about Islam as best we can

  • Lizzy

    May 3, 2017

    Tasliyman
    it is very kind of you to apologize and I thank you for it, but there is no need as it seems that I am the one having trouble communicating. My husband and I really do love and respect each other. He is kind and genuine with me. That makes it so easy for me to do the things that I do lovingly. I wish I had an understanding of Arabic to be able to read the Quran. However, my husband ordered me Quran translated in England and I can not wait to get it to read it, study it and try to memorize it Inshallah.

    Again thank you for your kindness and may Allah bless you and all the ladies abundantly.

  • Tasliyman

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy,

    What I get from your last post is that you and your husband actually have a loving and respectful relationship which goes both ways. He’s the head of the household and is respected as such. That’s really great.

    I think its your style of writing that had me baffled. Especially your use of words like “King” and “submit to my husband”. My apologies if it feels like you are being stoned but your choice of words is very unusual.

  • Lizzy

    May 3, 2017

    Ladies, I can see where my comments are baffling you. First let me say that when I met my husband, we became friends first. His behavior and and way of thinking always putting God first attracted me to him. My husbands convictions about God were very enlightening. I was already on a path of seeking God, I just had no idea that it would be Islam. My husband and I never put each other before God, it is God first always.

    Im an independent thinker understanding that God created me separate from my husband and with a purpose to fulfill. I did not come into this BLOG with the intention to persuade or belittle anyone. Im fully aware that God is the one and only King. However, my husband is the head of our home. Therefore, I treat him with respect and admiration. He treats me the same. I do not go running to my husband because he never snaps his fingers. I always come to him when he calls me and that is my choice. He does not require it of me, but that is who I am. I did not share that with the intent to say that you all should do the same. I do not worship my husband. I only worship God. I love my husband and I show him through my behavior.

    I can tell my husband anything that is on my mind, but If Im angry about something, I wait to make sure that my perception of the matter is correct and that Im not jumping into erroneous conclusions. I take the matter before God first. My husband is indeed muslim and his way of life and relationship with God is what attracted me to want to convert. You can judge me and form an opinion, Im alright with it. I thought to join this BLOG to learn and interact with Islamic women who I can learn from never thinking that my choice of words would have me stoned. We all know that man is made like grass and therefore never feared. I only fear and reverence The Almighty God. With that being said, I make it a point to be respectful to all human beings and not just my husband, because God created us. I submit to God first and then to my husband because he is the head of my house. We may have many similarities in stories and experience, but we are all unique and different. My choice of submitting to my husband and treating him with love and respect is how I want to be treated. I can go on and on about this, but writing is not my strong side and perhaps Im not doing a good job of expressing who I am and how I think.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2017

    There was a lot that disturbed me about Lizzy’s last post even in that she said, if he snaps his fingers she’ll come a running to him. Those were not her exact words but close enough. She basically said she would be at his beck and call. To me it sounds like serving a husband as in his slave- not head of household. It’s easy to come out and say my husband would be the head of the household without going into all those details that make him sound that he would be much, much more.

  • Serena

    May 3, 2017

    Sara

    Ana and Flower have given you brilliant advice. Please spend some time to actually digest what they said and then work on how you are going to apply that advice.

    Physical abuse is definitely a no no so that has to stop. Do you have kids who are witnessing his violent behaviour towards you? Tell your husband it has to stop and if he needs help than make sure he gets it.

    Umm of4

    Yes sister!! Someone has to tell them. Totally agree.

  • Serena

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy

    Your husband is Muslim yet you said you are going to convert to Islam.

    Please explain why/how he married a non Muslim.

  • Serena

    May 3, 2017

    Salam

    From what I understand stand I don’t think Lizzy means to make her husband equal to Allah. I think it is the way she has explained how much she values and respects her husband and him being the leader of her house.

    She did say something about serving him as the king of her home. I take that as meaning her husband being head of the household therefore giving him that honour and respect.

    What does make me scratch my head is the bit about her submitting to what her husband wants her to do even though she may not be happy with it.

    Lizzy do you do that all the time? I mean if you can’t tell your husband why you are not happy about doing something then that is worrying.

  • Flower

    May 3, 2017

    Sara. Welcome back. I agree with what Ana said to you. Shaytan doesn’t give up, he made a promise to come at us from our left, right, infront and behind. Its not just that he reminds you every minute of the day that your husband is with another, he also wants you to blame your husband and his other for YOUR behaviour and YOUR feelings. It makes sense, since he (shaytan) blames mankind for his expulsion from the heavens. Matter of fact it was HIS arrogance that caused him to be expelled. he wouldn’t humble himself and take responsibility therefore he didnt see his error, didn’t repent and will be punished. he convinces mankind to do the same. Blame someone else, dont take responsibility, dont see the error, dont repent, end up being punished. What a horrible form of trickery. One way to beat the shaytan is to KNOW his tricks and seek refuge from them.

    You said your husband hides things from you because you can’t handle it. We’ll, can you? Answer it honestly, can you handle reading lovey, dovey messages between them. Can you handle knowing they had a fun, romantic day out together. I know I wasnt able to handle it, no way. My husband was smart enough to not cause me unnecessary heartache by making hurtful information available to me. I thank Allah much for allowing him to do that. We have to be honest about what we can deal and what we cant. Your husband clearly cares for you otherwise he’d let you know or let you find out all the details. Allah is protecting you from things you cannot bear.

    So you think his other wife is the favourite, so what, he still comes home to you, your still his wife, he still loves you. He leaves his so called favourite wife to come spend time with you, be intimate with you, take care of you etc. Id say you must be very important to him.

    You said your husband is physically and mentally abusive towards you because you act jealous,he needs to learn how to deal with his negative emotions and frustrations just as you do, stop blaming each other, its a viscous circle. No good will come of that. You are BOTH accountable for your OWN actions and words, dont beat him over the head with all his wrongs, if Allah wills good for him, he’ll see them on his own, in Allahs time, as will you. Save yourself first. BUT if he is beating you, and its domestic abuse, get out of there, quick.

    Remember to always be greatful for what you/we have. My son fell asleep in my bed the other night. I picked him up and carried him into his bedroom and tucked him in. I had watched on the news earlier a woman carrying her dead/dying child away from gunfire and explosions in the same way I carried my son to bed. No matter how bad it seems, it can get worse, a lot worse.

  • Tasliyman

    May 3, 2017

    Ana, I was hoping that it’s just her manner of speaking and that I interpreted her post wrong. That’s why I asked her to clarify.

  • Rosa

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy you also said something along the lines if a man gets a second wife and it doesn’t work out then Allah will show him (the husband) His will and a correction can be made. I’m not sure if you were implying the husband should correct his mistake or something else. That confused me. Keep in mind Allah does not make mistakes. I suggest you read Holy Quran in your native language, understand it and live it. Allah has made the Quran easy to comprehend. It’s a manual for life for all times.

  • ummof4

    May 3, 2017

    Assalaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Lizzy, I am glad that you are interested in Islaam. My advice to you is to read the Qur’aan and try to find a good class for non-Muslims or new Muslims in your area. Entering Islaam is a life-changing decision that should not be taken lightly. I, too, was taken aback by your initial comment about a husband falling so much in love with his first wife that he would divorce his second wife. I guess you cleared it up. Now, what is this about the husband being “the king”? If you mean the head of the household, fine. But there is no kingship in Islaam. May Allah guide you to Islaam and make you a true believer.

    I know that I usually give nice, kind advice, but lately I have become tired of women acting as if their husbands are the center of the universe. To the wives who stress over their husbands day and night, I say, “GET A LIFE! THAT MAN COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT! HE IS A BEING CREATED BY ALLAH JUST LIKE YOU! FIGHT AGAINST SHAYTAN AND FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAH IF YOU BELIEVE IN ALLAH AND THE LAST DAY! WHOEVER TOLD YOU THAT LIFE WOULD ALWAYS BE FAIR AND YOU WOULD ALWAYS GET JUST WHAT YOU WANTED IN LIFE, SORRY THEY LIED TO YOU!

  • Rosa

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy

    It’s very awkward reading your post and how you put your husband right beside ALLAH or right behind ALLAH. You keep mentioning your duty to Allah and then you write and my husband. You never finish a sentence about Allah you always end it with your husband. You have to be extremely careful putting your husband on such a pedestal. Shirk is an unforgivable sin.

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2017

    I made some minor changes to my last post such as put “equal” where I had the second “partner” and I made one sentence clearer. Insha Allah, I’ll be back later :-)

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2017

    Tasilyman,

    See that is what baffles me about her post. Where is she getting this “king” stuff from? A lot of reverts to Islam get fed a lot of erroneous info. – what one commentator who used to be here referred to it as being “female repressive bullsh!t”.

    I’m just wondering, as we’re trying to get away from shirk (setting up partners with Allah or making anything or anyone His equal).

    Sounds like Lizzy is setting herself up for a big humpty dumpty fall. A husband is not a king, nor king like and shouldn’t be treated like one. For me, it is what was mind blowing about her post

  • Tasliyman

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy, if you dont mind me asking….. what do you mean with you think of your husband as your King?

  • anabellah

    May 3, 2017

    Lizzy,

    No offense taken. I must say your newest post was beautiful, yet mind blowing at the same time. If it pleases Allah, I’ll try to elaborate later in the day.

    It’s nice having you here 🙂

  • Lizzy

    May 2, 2017

    Ladies, thank you so much for welcoming me to your conversation. I apologize in advance that I was not clear in what I attempted to convey about loving ourselves first. The love I referred to has not nothing to do with wanting material things or being selfish. Because I love God, I desire first and foremost to know Him and know what He requires of me as a woman. Keeping God as the center of my being helps me to behave in a respectful and mindful manner of people, for after all it is God who created us. With that being said, I do not compromise my beliefs nor my way of life. I am of the opinion that if a woman keeps her focus on following the law of God with a pure heart, it will be very difficult for her to be offended by much. If getting married to a Muslim and understanding that polygamy is a reality that can occur in any of our lives at any time, we must give thanks to God in all things and for all things.

    You are correct in that I am not familiar with the Quran nor its rules and regulations yet. I am not really familiar with Islam. I am taking baby steps for as you said, it is a way of life that has to be learned. All I know is that I appreciate women being modest and I totally respect Islam for what I externally see that it stands for. As a woman, I long to love the man God blessed me with. He is indeed Muslim and he is the center of my life putting God first. Because I love God, I desire to respect my husband in everything I do. He has a son by his first wife who died of cancer. I have no children nor can I have any. We discussed this in detail and he explained to me that he believes its the will of Allah for our marriage knowing that we will not have children together. What I comprehend as a realist is that at anytime in the future he may potentially change his mind. If and when the time comes, Im sure I will feel the strain, but through God all things are possible and I totally believe God will see me through it. I also encourage my husband in opening up to me. There are times when I keep my opinions to myself and I just take them to God as I repent if I feel bad about it. Yet I always show my husband a pleasant face even when he is cross with me. When I married my husband, I did so with the intent to serve him as the King of my home. I am able to love my husband in every way, not just lustfully. There are times when men want to have an affair for whatever reason and they end up making the mistress a second, third or fourth wife. That to me doesn’t mean that Allah willed the marriage for the sake of lust and sex with another woman. It simply means that the man wanted to legalize his affair and come out of hiding. That is the only reason I suggested that if Heartbroken draws nearer to God and makes Him the focus of her life, perhaps He will show her His will, and if the second wife was not meant to be, He will show it also and a correction can me made. I will never encourage or condone a husband to leave one sister wife for another. I am not God and I do not have a right to judge nor to pass judgement. What I have learned is that the same way we take the time to perform ablution before prayer, I always present myself clean before my husband. I do not mean physically clean, although of course I do that also. Because I think of my husband as my King, I make sure that our home is clean, that he is comfortable. If he wants to do something that I do not agree with, I submit anyway because he is the head of my house. If he asks me for advice I kindly give it without attempting to manipulate the outcome. If he calls me into another room, I drop what Im doing and immediately attend to him. He has told me many times that he does not require for me to jump to his call and abandon what I may be doing at the time, yet he thanks me. I do not spend time beautifying my body nor my face to keep him. I take care of my body because I believe that it belongs to him and I want to please him. The time I spend in prayer is what I consider my time of beautifying myself, for prayer keeps me humble. If I have offended anyone with my comments, I humbly apologize as it was never to offend.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Sara,

    You’re jealous because you listen to Satan. Satan talks to you and you listen and entertain his whispers. Allah tells us that when a thought from Satan assails our minds, we are to seek refuge in Him from Satan the accursed. Do you do that? Allah says that when we don’t remember Him, He gives us an evil companion. Apparently, Satan is having a good time with you. He has become your friend.

    When you get all jealous and envious and stuff, you need to remember Allah, Zikr, read the Quran, recognize what is happening. You must fight the good fight against Satan.

    You shouldn’t blame your husband for the type of person that you have become. You’re the one who needs to work on you to be a better Muslimah. You can do it by worshiping Allah and learning our religion – Islam. You do it by knowing and believing that only Allah has Power. Allah decides all things. Allah decided what we’d do, be etc before we each were born.

    As long as you make your husband your priority, you will have one agonizing life and will be tormented. Life is not about your husband. It is about Allah.

    If your marriage is to the point that you and he physically fight, then maybe you should consider a separation until you and he could get yourselves together. I could see how your husband would hide things from you if you’re as jealous as you have said. No one wants to fight and argue all the time, trying to defend themselves about doing what Allah has determined for them to do.

    Whatever wrong your husband may be doing, he will account to Allah for it. You are not your husband’s keeper. You are not his Lord. He doesn’t have to tell you everything or anything. If Allah wants you to know something, Allah will reveal it to you. If Allah doesn’t want you to know something, He will conceal it from you. Again, life is about Allah. It’s not about you, nor is it about your husband. It’s not about your husband’s other wife either.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Sara, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I went back and found you earlier posts from just about two years ago (2015). I didn’t have enough time to read all your posts and the replies, but I read enough to know that your complaints then are the same as now. Have you read any of the posts/themes on this blog about jealousy, envy, unhappiness etc? They should be helpful to you.

    About all that you’ve stated in your posts, I must say that as long as a wife doesn’t work on herself and her lack of belief in Allah (lack of faith), she will be unhappy. No one can be content in this life without knowing what Allah says and doing what He tells us to do. If a wife simply focuses on her wants and needs, she will be a malcontent. It sounds that you are concerned only about your wants and needs and are obsessed with your husband.

    I’ve said it before and will say it again. There is no quick fix to make a woman feel better in a polygamous marriage. Only Allah can change a person’s condition. He won’t change it until the person changes what is in his or her heart. One changes what is in his heart by believing correctly and worshiping Allah the way He tells us to. We must make our sincere intent and effort to do the right thing – WORSHIP ALLAH.

    Your husband will not be your puppet and act the way you want him to. If he loves his other wife more than you as in treat her as though she is the “pedestal wife”, perhaps she is his favorite wife. Allah lets us know that a man will NOT love his wives all the same. Your husband is not wrong in having a favorite wife. It doesn’t mean that he should neglect you or treat you badly, but a wife will most likely notice a difference and can see who the favorite is.

    If you think his other wife is more fresh, young and pretty than you, then what do you want her or him to do about it? Should she try to make herself an ugly, hag, so that you will feel better? She is the way that Allah created her. If she doesn’t work, it’s because Allah decreed that she wouldn’t work. What you do is because Allah decreed it for you, whatever it may be.

    What you’re experiencing is envy as well as jealousy. Allah tell us not to be envious of what He has given others. He has His reasons for why He does things. What? do you think your husband’s wife should go to work, so that you will feel better? Come on.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Flower,

    Alhumdulliah! You be rockin and rollin with your posts, so to hear that from you means a lot https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_rose.gif

  • Flower

    May 2, 2017

    Ana

    Your 3rd comment to lizzy was so on point I had to screenshot it. So well written. So truthful. I loved it.https://polygamy411.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-monalisa/icons/wpml_heart.gif

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Lizzy,

    You talk about a woman needing to love herself first and more (after Allah). I’m not sure what that means. I know that we love ourselves too much already, which is one of our biggest problems. Wanting what we want, when we want it and how we want it. A major problem of ours is our desires. We’re taught in Islam (Quran) to slay our desire. Our desires is what gets us in trouble and is a cause of our unhappiness, discontentment etc. Desires lead us off the straight path and away from Allah.

    You mentioned taking good care of ourselves, pampering ourselves etc. Those are all good things. We should be clean and nice looking. We should present well. It’s not good to let ourselves look all frumpy and shabby and stuff. Allah gave us beautiful apparel etc so we could be beautiful.

    We need to keep in mind that a husband doesn’t go get another wife because his current wife is lacking. He may use the problems in his marriage as an excuse that he gives for taking on another wife. A woman could be everything that every man could dream of and it wouldn’t prevent him from taking on another wife, if Allah has decided it for him.

    Another thing that stood out to me was that you said, who knows, the husband might just give up his other wife, if he comes to love his first wife again or more. Well, I wouldn’t suggest any woman count on that or strive for it. A wife shouldn’t want her husband to leave his other wife. She’s his wife whom Allah has given him. Why should a woman wish her sister-in-faith out a husband? Even if the other woman isn’t a sister-in-faith, let Allah deal with that because they’re together for Allah’s reason(s).

    Again, thank you for joining us and writing. Feel free to write more and continue to converse with us 🙂 Peace!

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Lizzy,

    No woman wants to find out that her husband married another woman behind her back. Yet, it happens. It’s life and sh!t happens. From being on this blog, I’ve found that there are a good number of women who find out their husbands married without letting them know beforehand. The husband hid it from them. The wife should use the teachings of the Quran to deal with the situation the same as any other situation that unexpectedly hits us.

    There is a whole lot that you don’t know yet about Islam and it will take years and years and years to learn it. One will never know it all. I must say that you will need to change the way you view life, if you become Muslim because it’s a different life, with different beliefs than you are accustom to. Just like the Quran wasn’t revealed all at once, you won’t learn it all at once. Allah revealed it to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) over a period of about 25 years.

  • Sara

    May 2, 2017

    Assalamualaikum

    Please can someone give me good guidance or direction
    I want to know if I am wrong and if I am then how to overcome this emotional feeling

    I am a first wife but my husband hid the truth about him being married for 5 years
    I found out via a whatsup message from his second wife
    This happened 2 years ago
    I am still jealous and trying to find my feet
    My husband makes it worst for me as we had a big fight and he said he hides things from me because I’m jealous and I can’t handle anything with her
    I feel I’m the worker wife and she is the pedestal wife as she is well taken care of and looks more fresh and young and pretty and where I am work down and over worked
    I am also mentally and physically abused st times when he gets angry with my jealousy
    What am I jealous about :
    I keep thinking of them
    I can’t seem to work or think straight
    I just see them only
    I hate and love my husband to what type of person I have become
    I pray I cry but I feel insecure
    He keeps hiding messages from me
    Plz help me someone

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Lizzy, Welcome 🙂

    It’s nice of you to join the discussion. I like your assertiveness about it. Just jump on in 🙂

    How nice it is that you are considering becoming Muslim. It would be wonderful if Allah has chosen you. Other than offering my five daily Prayers (salat) in Arabic and having learned a number of short Surahs (chapters) in Arabic to recite during salat, I don’t read, write or speak Arabic either and I’ve been Muslim for at least 30 years. It was never a goal of mine. I Know some universal words in Arabic as well.

    Allah didn’t make me an Arab. Apparently, he didn’t want us all to speak the same language either. He said if he wanted us all to be the same, He would have created us that way.

    Anyhow, about affording wives – could the man afford the first wife? Whatever he took into consideration (finances etc.) when marrying the first wife, he should consider with all the rest. The same rules applies, he simply has more than one wife to apply it to. The rules for taking on the 2nd, 3rd or 4th are no different than when he took on the first.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Heartbroken, Wa Alaikum As Salaam 🙂

    The ladies here have given you some wonderful advice. I know it’s a lot to digest. Insha Allah, you’ll be able to put into effect in due time a lot of what you’ve read. Just take baby steps.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better and don’t feel quite so alone anymore. It’s why we’re here. You are not in the boat all by yourself.

    Know that if you fall, Insha Allah, we’ll be here to help pick you back up. Don’t worry if you think you sound like a broken record. Some of us have been there and done that. We must try to be patient with one another.

    Don’t expect to read everything here and implement it immediately. Change is not easy and it’s not instant, most of the time. Sometimes it takes years before one gets to a very good place in accepting a polygamous marriage.

    Most importantly, don’t become stagnant. Always be growing. Always be moving forward and don’t stand still… Stay with us.

  • anabellah

    May 2, 2017

    Erendira, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome!

    Serena is correct. I totally agree that Heartbroken should follow the remedies in the Quran to help resolve her issues that she’s having with her husband. Insha Allah, she has a male Muslim family member who could mediate for her.

    With regard to her husband being intimate with her, no woman can force a man to have sexual relations with her and what woman would want to? If she doesn’t have the patience to work on the marriage and feel that she is that hot in the pants that she needs to divorce and go find another husband quickly, then the door is open for her to do that. As we know, Allah allows divorce. Insha Allah, Allah will give her another husband swiftly…

    We should remember that there is a provision in the Quran that allows a husband and a wife to come to a friendly agreement so that they don’t divorce. For instance, a wife could agree to give up all her nights to another wife if she and her husband agree to it. It’s just an example of how it could work. I’m certainly not saying that “Heartbroken” should do it. I’m just saying that sex isn’t the all and all in marriage.

  • Serena

    May 2, 2017

    Lizzy

    Welcome and may Allah reward you for your advice. InshaAllah your advice will benefit us all

    I am so happy for you alhumdulillah that you want to convert to Islam.

  • Serena

    May 2, 2017

    Salaam

    Erendira

    Welcome and I totally agree with all your advice given. Infact Heartbroken has posted about her situation using different names and she keeps getting the same advice.

    I don’t mean to sound harsh with her but I think she is to blame alot for her situation. In my replies to her I advised her to get third person involved. Ana advised her too as did the other sisters but it seems like she is ignoring that bit of advice.

    Heartbroken

    I do wish you were not in so much emotional pain. Sister your husband is carrying on with his behaviour because he knows he can and you are letting him get away with it. Your crying tantrums etc have not helped your situation so please consult a reliable person to help.

  • Lizzy

    May 2, 2017

    Good Morning To All You beautiful Women

    Im not Muslima, yet Im diving into your conversation of many because Im a woman first, and secondly because I want to convert to Islam. I do not know how to read, write, or speak Arabic, but Im about to take a class to learn. In the meantime, I was under the impression that in Islam, men are legally aloud to marry up to four wives if they can afford them. I do not know that I would be alright emotionally if I had a husband who secretly married another woman without telling me as his first wife first. While, some may say that it was your fate to be married into polygamy and you just have to eat that fact because its the Islam way, I would venture to say that all things should be done decent and in order. If that is the way of life and you risked marrying knowing it could happen, there is nothing you can do. However, I doubt the Quran says that its alright for a man to take on a second wife secretly. That fact should be motivation enough for you to question the integrity of your husband and his motives. It should not leave you hurt and pining away. His cowardly act should cause you enough anger to not want to be with him. You see, love does not deceive. Allah is a good and kind God. His way is righteous and pure and because He created us, I believe that while He may have given men the right and permission to marry more than one wife, He does not condone a wife to be made to feel inferior to another because of the husbands cowardly deception. I encourage you to think about your situation. First you must recognize how much you love yourself and then you can really know how much you love your husband. Many people are under the assumption that loving someone else moire than themselves is right. But that is so far from the truth. You must love God first and then yourself second. When your husband sees that you love your self first, he may become attracted to you again. There are certain things that people will and will not do to others based on respect and love. For example, when on an airplane and traveling with small children, a flight attendant will instruct the parents of the children to place the mask on their face first before they place it on the children. If there is a plane crash and the children have on a mask because the parents did not follow the instruction, who will care for the children if the parents died? The point is that in order to be able to love purely and sincerely, you must first love yourself. You must have some boundaries as to what is lawful to you. Somethings go without saying and the spouse will pick up on that. He will know in advance what he can and can not get away with. It appears that he may have thought in advance that you wouldn’t take too well to him wanting a second wife. Thus his reason for doing it in secret.
    It may be his right to take on another wife. But now there is doubt in your heart about him being an honest man. it is understandable that you are wounded, devastated, and feel the worst kind of betrayal. Again, I encourage you to write down what you love about yourself and what you think you would like to change about yourself that you don’t currently love. That should take a little time away from you thinking about your husband or what he did. I also encourage you to visit with a doctor to make sure you do not have any sexually transmitted diseases. Spend time in prayer asking Allah to forgive you of unknown sins. Ask Allah to strengthen you by His might. Focus on the love you feel from Allah and transfer that love to your children. Take some time to pamper yourself. This is definitely not the time to abandon yourself and look ugly. Learn some new recipes that you might think your husband may like. Let your husband see that he is but a man and He can not fulfill you as Allah can, and do so without telling him, just showing him. Be kind to him, without having him touch you. Show him
    what you are made of by being the woman who God called you to be. If you do not have his heart now, what makes you think he will have it later. Im not saying you won’t. Im just basically saying that you should learn to love and respect yourself and then he will also. He may fall deeper in love with you in such a way that he might just give up the other wife. But right now your behavior may turn him off.

  • Erendira

    May 2, 2017

    Salaam Heartbroken

    Just quick advice since I prefer to read not write. If your husband can not provide you with intimacy he is in sin and is not keeping you chaste as is your right. I should contact an imam at the local masjid and have your husband have councelling because he is not doing his obligatory duty. This you have a right to demand, that your husband receives councelling on the issue. Such councelling might also have a side effect in making your husband open his eyes as to the islamic view on his duties as a husband in whole.

    Amin

    /Erendira

  • Rosa

    May 2, 2017

    I think ummof4 mentioned some time ago how before a man gets a second wife the current wife is so busy with the everyday tasks she doesn’t care if he works late or puts in extra hours and comes home late. She’s not going the extra mile for her husband but as soon as he gets another wife suddenly doing all those things is unforgivable and the wife suddenly starts going that extra mile. Lol. It’s soooooo true. But one has to snap back and do everything solely to gain the pleasure of Allah alone.

  • Tasliyman

    May 2, 2017

    Heartbroken

    When I was going through a difficult time, I tried to pretend that my husband just wasn’t there and that I no longer loved him. This didn’t quite work for me because I still had to interact with him.

    What worked for me was when I changed my thinking from – I cannot live without my husband – to – as long as I have Allah on my side, things will be just fine. I reminded myself on a daily basis that the Will of Allah will never take me where the Grace of Allah will not protect me. So I started using the hours I usually spent stressing over things that was wrong and my relationship with my husband to rather focus on improving my relationship with Allah.

    I still carried on being a wife to my husband but it was no longer the total focus of my being. I was ok with the fact that our relationship was either going to work out or not. Knowing that it all depended on Allah was enough to not let me get all stressed out about it. It seemed that when I reached this stage, my marriage started improving on a daily basis.

    My husband started paying closer attention to me, taking note of things he never even noticed before.

    It might seem like a cliché but I truly believe that we should only be truly and fully dependant on Allah and not on our marriages or husbands.

    If the thought of losing your husband still paralyse you with fear, you should take a closer look at your relationship with Allah. (I mean this in a general sense and the “you” does not specifically refer to Heartbroken.

  • Heartbroken

    May 1, 2017

    Salaamaliakum All

    Thank you Rosa, Sarata and Flower.

    Flower- Wow! The part you mentioned about feeling like that if you took your focus off him he would think that you jumped ship! I am the same!! Gosh.. that is exactly how I feel!

    I also keep thinking of the times in our marriage where it wasn’t all roses and romance and more like we were just focused on kids and finances and just life in general and I didn’t give him much attention..maybe that is when he fell in love with someone else so I feel maybe I am to blame that he fell in love with someone else and she now provides him with what he wants and I want him to know I am still here and still love and care for him.
    Maybe I try extra hard now which he doesn’t like??

    I do focus on him a lot Flower, now more than ever in my marriage. You are right it is DRAINING…

    I don’t even know how to focus on myself anymore lol.

    Thank you Sarata… I Like your words Fake it till you make it.. .that makes sense cause Inshallah maybe eventually I will start feeling that I am truly happy and not just faking it in front of him.

    Rosa..I am sorry I didn’t mean to sound defensive. It’s just that he himself blames me for the distance between us and I feel he is also responsible for it..not just me..
    Lol as for the romance aspect I would LOVE to try it..unfortunatly I really can’t try much between 1am-4am before we get up for prayer.
    I don’t even care about the time I am willing to try anywhere anytime:))

    But he makes it very clear he is tired and not interested and has also told me very clearly that while he is stressed about the issues he is facing in his other marriage (which I mentioned) he cannot even think of romance or sleeping with me when she is suffering so much and cannot be all fun and games and romance with me.. which kills my mood..so there is no intimacy with us at the moment either.

    I just need to start figuring out how to JUST LET GO..
    And how to focus on myself for now..
    Get into Islam for myself and get deep into Islam for Dean..

    Read some advice sometime back on the internet which says .. just pretend that you don’t have a husband that he is not around anymore And do your thing. You will move on faster

    Does that make sense? Just pretend he isnt around and focus on me?
    Seemed crazy advice to me few months back as I thought in that case I might as well leave him and live that way why pretend he isn’t around?

    But it’s kinda making sense to lol

    But I want to thank you all for the advice .I am feeling much better than I was a couple of days back. I felt like I was drowning and I had no one to talk to.. I don’t feel so alone anymore.. thank you all and thank you Ana for this blog ..it truly us a life saver for women in our situation..
    Pls bear with me as and when I fall and come here again for advice..

    Khudahafiz all

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken

    I wasn’t saying you necessarily do all the things mentioned was just giving examples from experience and letting you know those antics don’t work.
    It seems you’re coming around and you are starting to realise what time it is. Good for you. Very happy for you. Another thing I can add is try new things to spark it up in the bedroom. Try to have some type of connection with your husband. When all else fails let romance take the wheel lol

  • Sarata

    May 1, 2017

    @Heartbroken
    Asalaamu alaikum. I’ve been reading your posts and the replies the ladies are giving are full of advice and sense (that may seem distant to you now but hold on it will get easier In’shaa Allāh!)

    There’s not much else I can add, but my advice would be fake it til you make it.
    Compared to many of you strong sisters on here I had it fairly easy at the beginning, but I’m still a women with emotions and nafs and I had my wobbles in the early days.
    Trick is, be aware that it’s not you.
    Your nafs and shaytaan are having a party at the expense of your marriage, so fight them.

    Try to act as much like the previous you as possible around your husband.
    It will put his mind at ease and help him come back to the man you knew too In’shaa Allāh.
    And although you might feel the opposite inside, you will start to see how easy it could be once you’re passed the emotional stage In’shaa Allāh.
    And as hard as this sounds, try very hard not to obsess about them. As soon as the thoughts enter your head, say audubillah and try to distract your brain. It’s hard but you need to try otherwise you will go mad with it.

    At the same time don’t bottle it up until you explode at him. If he is reasonable tell him you need to express your concerns to to him. Communication is important and you shouldn’t have to put up with him doing things that rub salt in your wounds. (Try to approach issues when you’re feeling calm though, not as soon as he walks in the door after you’ve been crying and stewing about it all day.)

    Once your husband sees the woman he loves being herself again, he will ease up and open up In’shaa Allāh. You might even experience a rekindling of your romance.

    I know some might say we shouldn’t have to and they should respect our emotions without so much effort from us, but they are men at the end of the day and they understand us even less than we understand them.

    Remember Allāh often and trust in him. And pray. A lot.
    You are in my dua too In’shaa Allāh x

  • Flower

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken

    I personally would just let him be. right now, he’s coming home late and leaving early. What can you do about it? Nothing. Just leave it for now. You have bigger battles to fight and they start with you. I know you have to have some sort of communication so just tell him what you’ve told us. That your not sure how to respond, you don’t have any answers right now and you don’t want to make matters worse. I would tell my husband I dont expect any answers from him either, that I’m not in the right frame of mind to think rationally I can only feel. If you think you cant handle where the conversation is going or that your prying into the other marriage, just end the conversation. Thats a man’s favourite part of a conversation….THE END lol.

    Remember sis, even though you might feel like you don’t know him anymore, you do. Thats your advantage. Like my husband has a good sense of humour so I knew I could make him smile to lighten the mood a little. If I was having an ok day id crack some jokes or tell him about something I thought he’d find funny too.

    All the advice you read on here about Islam, turning to Allah, relying on Allah, accepting pre destination are your tools for getting through this. I remember you said something like you came to Islam when you met and married your husband, its time to jump in the deep end and REALLY know Islam. Not for your marriage, but for yourself, to save yourself. In surah Al Asr, Allah revealed to save yourselves THEN your familys from the fire. No one climbs the ladder of imaan with ease, and your not going to do by holding on to a husband by the scuff of his neck, he has his own ladder.

  • Flower

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken,

    I noticed two things in your post. You said it’s only when it’s really bad that you have an outburst and most of the time you keep them crying to yourself. Well, this is what hes waiting for…your next outburst, he doesn’t know when it will happen or what will trigger it but he knows its coming and wants no part of it. Hes steering clear until he thinks the coast is clear. It will take more than just a few conversations to convince him your not going breakdown. Thats why he rolls his eyes and says “crying again” he expected it, its not a shock to him and he knows he cant do anything to fix it.

    The other thing was you wanted to know how to act around him, how to respond to him, how to communicate with him. HIM HIM HIM. Forget him, and think of you, focus on you and getting yourself to a place of stability. It will take time and effort. I don’t know if your the same but I felt like if I took my focus off my husband he may think I’m not interested in him and therefor jump ship. In the end I didnt have a choice I couldn’t continue to obsess over him, it was draining, it was too much. I had to let go. I got myself together (after a good two years) and low and behold he was still there. He told me after he was waiting for me, waiting to have his wife back. We think that our husbands change soooo much when they marry again, I came to learn it was me who changed, he stayed the same, I had just never seen the defensive side of him around me, since he never had a reason to defend himself from my anger. This may be whats happening with you and your husband.

    I’m off track now, and must pray magrib. I’ll be back inshaAllah

  • Heartbroken

    May 1, 2017

    Salaam All

    Rosa .. I read your post after I posted.

    Truth to be told I don’t cry and nag every single day. In fact I try and act happy or at least normal when he is around.
    Yeah in the initial 2-3 months I was terrible I admit. With the questions. I was insane. And I wanted to talk all the time.

    Then a couple of months later he told me he was all talked out and had no patience to ans anymore questions. OK I got that. I was drained too.
    I had even backed off.. We were slowly trying to get back to normal. But in the past 3-4 months he changed! I don’t get that! It was like a sudden switch. That is what I don’t understand. From trying do justice to both it’s become like ONLY she exists now..

    Now I get it If I had to continue acting like how I did earlier yeah it’s bugging..
    But trust me when I say I was keeping my feelings to myself.. trying to be strong..

    Only when he was getting really really rude or coming home even later than his normal 1am like almost at 3 am then I question or show him I am upset!!

    I don’t think I can be blamed solely for his change in behaviour.

    It’s the fact that he suddenly changed that I seem to be getting worse..

    That is wrong in a way cause I should not be so dependent on someone else for my emotional happiness but still..

    As for turning to Allah..I have been praying a lot more.. But unfortunately mostly to beg for peace of mind and help in my situation. Not to increase my Dean. And that is where I am wrong. I do see that..

    I get that no man likes to be around an unhappy wife. But when I act happy or normal around him he says it’s fake. I try and keep all this turmoil in..believe me.. hence the crying when alone..

    What more does he want? When I do burst out finally when I can’t take it anymore he puts it all on me!

    Like I mentioned before my outburst have been very few. Like 3 or 4 in the last 4 months..

    All these mental thoughts are in me.. Not poured out to him. So what does he want now?
    Still not happy?

    Anyway.. I have to reflect on a lot..on what Flower has said and now what you said Rosa.

    I want to see if I can change for the better cause I don’t think I can do this much longer.

    My migraine attacks are killing as it is.. which he doesn’t seem to care about or ask about.

    I used to think that every individual made their own decisions which leads to it’s own consequences. I need to see that it’s all Allah s decision. Nothing happens without his permission.. I need to change my perspective.

    I cannot question the Why.. Only Allah can stop or continue this situation for me.

    I just need to let go..

    Khudahafiz all.

  • Heartbroken

    May 1, 2017

    Salam All

    Flower
    Thank you for your post. Yes a man’s perspective is def different than a womans.
    I will take time to think about what u posted.

    But I really haven’t been nagging him or crying etc in front of him all the time. In fact most of the time I keep my crying jags and whatnot to myself. Only when it’s really really bad do I burst out..

    These thoughts and insecurities are pretty much all in my head and as he doesn’t have the time or inclination to listen or talk to me I mostly dont share these thoughts with him.
    I just burn inside myself..

    But I need to reflect on my behaviour too now.

    In fact in my mind, I am getting worse ONLY because he seems to be withdrawing further and further from me.

    Hmmm. I really really need to think about what your husband said. Never thought of it that way.

    So how do I react when he doesn’t communicate or ignores me etc or is stressed with his other marriage or in general?

    Do I ignore him too? Be rude when he is rude? Don’t bother asking him how he is, has he eaten etc?

    I am kinda clueless as to how to be with him now. I am so far from myself that I feel i will need time to get back to the woman I once was.
    Do I just ignore him too? Like not bother whether he comes home or not or how late..
    Just leave him be? I am seriously so confused at the moment and with no one to talk to and the only help at the moment I have is Google which really doesn’t give me any answers..

    I will take any advice on what to do and how to just let him be..or how to react calmly to a situation.
    I don’t want things to get worse but neither do I want to be in a loveless marriage.

    Lots to think about.
    Thank you Flower.

    Khudahafiz all.

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken

    I don’t mean to sound insensitive. Believe me I’ve been down that road of wanting more from my husband than what he was giving. I was so worried about how much he loved me or if he loved me more but the more I began to shift my focus on Allah and being grateful to Him and content with what He blessed me with the less I cared how much my husband loved me. Shoot hubby should be concerned about how much I love him Lol you gotta shift the tables sometimes for your own sanity

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Flower

    LOL
    I’m laughing at your husbands response because that’s exactly how I imagine a man in such a predicament would feel. I wouldn’t want to come home to a weeping irritating nagging husband. I’d come at midnight when that nagging husband is hopefully asleep and I’ll hit the road at Fajr lol

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken
    As crazy as it may seem, men can love more than one woman unconditionally. Us ladies, we are different from men so stop thinking because you can be satisfied with only your husband he should be satisfied with just you because it’s not going to happen. Be Grateful to ALLAH and He will give you more.

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken
    Your husband probably kept his marriage hidden from you for years because look what a mess it’s been now. He probably wishes he never came clean. If he told you two years ago I really don’t think it would have made a difference. You would still be depressed and heartbroken. It would not have made it any easier

  • Rosa

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken

    It’s crazy because every time you post your story here again I’m like wait this sounds familiar. No matter how many times you post your story under different usernames the advice will be the same. You have got to shift your priorities from your husband to ALLAH. Until you do this you will continue being depressed and heartbroken and unable to pick yourself up. Stop waiting for your husband to love you more than he can bc he can’t, stop waiting for him to come home to a weeping nagging wife because he won’t. Stop waiting for him to make you feel better because he can’t. It’s up to you to look at your life and evaluate it. Look at your life and say to yourself ALLAH has dealt me these cards and figure out how you’re going to play them. ALLAH decided you will be in a polygamous marriage. Not your husband. He’s only doing what Allah allowed him to do. Allah says BE and IT IS. Try to see Allah in everything. See Allah in the children He blessed you with, the roof over your head, the food on your table. Your health, your dignity. If Allah wanted to He could have willed for you to be among thousands of muslims living in war zones, not knowing what they’re going to eat or feed their children or not knowing when they’ll see food again or clean water. Polygamy is not the end of the world. You have got to accept you are your husbands wife and he also has another wife. He loves you both. Probably not equally but who cares. Take what he’s giving you and move on. He may act like he does not love you or only staying with u as a responsibility but I don’t quite think any man would stay married to someone whom they do not love and hate with a passion. He can do his duty as a father without being married to u. Yall love each other and I don’t see any valid reason to divorce. The ball is in your court. Thank Allah, Praise Allah and never forget Him not for a second. Stop crying, be the strong independent woman you can be. Stop nagging your husband. Stop trying to ask questions and trying to get to the bottom of it. The why’s will eat you alive. Stop wondering why because the answer is Allah decided it that’s why. So take your concerns to Allah not your husband. No one has the power to do anything except by the Will of Allah so pull yourself up, brush the dirt off and do your duty unto Allah. Accept the Qadr of Allah. I guarantee you and your husband will get closer InshaAllah and your marriage will thrive. Polygamy could be the answer to all your issues. You are feeling the way you are because you have yet to shift your priorities

  • Flower

    May 1, 2017

    Heartbroken

    Iv just read your your most recent comment and it lines up exactly with what my husband said about your situation. My husband said “I want my wife back”

  • Flower

    May 1, 2017

    Depressed and the rest of your usernames.

    I decided to ask my husband what he thinks of your situation. I summarised what you’ve said so far including how you come to know of the marriage, how your husband used to treat you, how he treats you now and what your complaints are. His answer was, your pissing him (your husband) off to the point he doesn’t care anymore, youve probably REPEATEDLY told him he’s doing things or feeling things hes not doing or feeling or CONSTANT nagging, complaining and questions. Hes given up. I asked why he doesn’t divorce you, he said because he does love and wants to be married to the woman you was, and doesn’t like the person you are now (hence why he not interested in you or your life at the moment) he said if you carry on he will divorce you as there’s only so much bull$h!t a person can take.

    I dont know if this will help or not, I always like to get a mans point of view since men and women think so differently.

  • Alison

    May 1, 2017

    Heeeey how’s everyone doing it’s been so long..hope all’s well
    Hey Anna we following the blog just been extremely busy….
    Much love

  • Heartbroken

    May 1, 2017

    Salam All

    Ana, I will stick to Heartbroken as that is what I feel at the moment.
    I can’t figure out how after so many years together and after all we have been through, My husband can just brush me aside as an afterthought.
    We didn’t have an easy start to get married either and we fought long and hard for almost 8 years to get married what with our parents approval etc. And what love we shared Mashaallah till this happened. This is what I can’t get over. Does he forget I still exist in the midst of his new love??

    So for him forget all that and just start over with someone else so easily and brush me aside..well that still hurts..

    He brushes aside all my feeling and tells me I have no right to feel that way as I still have him in my life.. yeah right . Having him in life like this?? Hmmm..

    Me showing him love and care actually irritates him now.

    He makes me feel we are not a family anymore.
    He is very happy with me just looking after the kids and doing my stuff and him not being involved at all with anything. If I tell him stuff about our day sometimes he looks bored.
    He just doesn’t want to know anything connected to me..

    It’s petty..but the one time he came home for lunch for an hour he was all over his phone calling her asking if she reached home safely and what she was upto, did she eat etc..

    But hey..dont see me for almost 18 hours everyday and NOT one phone call to ask if all Ok..

    Yeah I know I sound petty but these things hurt me .

    Can’t figure the change in him..

    Flowers post was very straight forward and kind. I wanted a different perspective and I got it..

    I am glad I came back to read…the other day whem I posted I was really really heartbroken after his behavior and was crying my eyes out poured my heart out here and was embarrassed about my outburst here… so I wasn’t going to come back here and read the comments at all as I was sure to be seen as a needy loser kinda lady who can’t take control of her life and as that is anyway how my husband seems to regard me I was like.. do I really need to be judged here too?

    Thanks for being understanding esp Ana and Flower. I havent read all the comments yet tho.

    Yeah he is my focus right now. I am always thinking what he is upto. I seem obsessed with what they are up to during the day.

    And the fact that he loves her more ..yes my heart burns on that fact. In the beginning few months he did seem to regard us and love us equally or at least he was still loving to me so I didn’t care as much..but now that he seems to be losing interest in me I seem to be getting more obsessed instead of going the other way around and think well if he doesnt care about you anymore..well who cares..love yourself and love your children.

    What is wrong with me?
    Gosh.. I was never so weak in my life girls..
    This is not me at all! He says the same thing..this is not you. Get back to be being you..I am not a jealous person. Can’t believe this is me now..

    It’s like I know what I need to do.. forget him and focus on Allah.. And my kids and myself…but for the life of me I cannot let go….
    Just keep thinking about him..its crazy lol.

    Inshallah the next time I post I don’t sound so sad and crazy…

    Khudahafiz all..

  • anabellah

    May 1, 2017

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello to all our wonderful blog family in cyberspace polygamy 411 May 2017 discussions

    Welcome to the new discussion thread for May 2017. We thank you all for being here. Please feel free to jump in and join the discussions. Ask questions and share your thoughts.

    For those who would like to finish reading the April 2017 comments/replies or would like to refresh their memory, the link is:April 2017 Discussions

    polygamy 411 May 2017 discussions