Mothers Say Polygamy Hurts Them

mothers say polygamy hurts themSome mothers say polygamy hurts them and their children. When their husbands leave them alone and go to their other wives, they think it is unfair. They say the children do not get to see their fathers much. The mother is left alone to raise the children by herself, as though she is a single mom.

I get why the women feel the way they do. After all, most grew up in monogamous societies. They grew up thinking that a husband should have one wife and children, living together. It’s their ideal family but not always a reality.

Some mothers say polygamy hurts them, but lack of real knowledge is more of the problem

Most people don’t know that their lives would be easier, if they learned the lessons that are in the Holy Quran. Those stories are for us to live our lives by. This is to say, they are not fairy-tales, nor are they there to read as a past-time. Rather, they should help Muslims mold and shape their lives.

When the mothers say polygamy hurts them, they should consider the story of Mary, the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH). For one thing, she was all alone, pregnant and gave birth with no human being to help her. She relied on Allah to provide all her needs. Thus, he helped her through it.

We must believe that Allah provides, protects and takes care of us. A wife shouldn’t base whether her life is good or bad on what her husband does or doesn’t do. All our lives are the way Allah designed it.

Some mothers say polygamy hurts them, but do they know the story of Prophet Abraham (PBUH)?

Prophet Abraham (PBUH) took one of his wives out into the desert and left her and their son there. Can you imagine? Of course, Allah took care of them. He provided all their needs as He tells us that he would. Emphatically, He is the only One who provides.

Additionally, we have the story of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), as well. He was an orphan. The only family he knew was his Uncle. His uncle was an unbeliever. Allah had the Uncle care for the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Allah provided for them.

Muslims should learn from those lesson that Allah provides and takes care of us all. Therefore, a wife shouldn’t feel a need to rely on her husband. Allah is the One who has everything to give. He is the One who helps, protects and guides.

Some mothers say polygamy hurts them, but they need to ask why they feel and think the way that they do

They should re-evaluate how they see life and their situation. First thing to remember is that Allah says He tests the believers. Furthermore, he says we cannot enter Paradise without being tested. The persons whom I spoke of above had monumental tests, and they passed them.

Some mothers say polygamy hurts them; however, polygamy is not the problem. In other words, their expectations about life is what hurts them.

A Muslim has a guide and a mercy, which is the Holy Quran. It has the keys to life and the meaning of life in it. It’s what a wife needs to learn.

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64 Comments

  • anabellah

    April 16, 2017

    Sonya,

    Sorry to hear your sister committed suicide. She apparently had psychological issues that you weren’t aware of. I’d imagine she was very sad and hurting inside about something that she apparently didn’t understand. You shouldn’t hate polygamy, as it didn’t cause her to commit suicide. I know that. I just don’t know why she took her own life. I doubt you know either.

  • Sonya

    April 16, 2017

    My sister committed suicide because of polygamy.So I HATE Polygamy.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Hello All,

    I just want to make clear that I don’t sit and write posts based solely on my situation as it is now or was in the past. I write posts based on what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran. What He says could apply to anyone and any situation. It’s for all times and all people. It means a person doesn’t have to have children; have a co-wife who has children or have a “just” husband that makes the difference.

    It means the person has to take a look at his or her own life, use what is in the Quran and apply it. No one’s test is going to be the same as another. It’s wrong to say someone test is less burdensome or less difficult than another because the person, for instance, has a “Just” husband or no children or one child or 10 children. The person who says such a thing is missing the point, and says those things as a cop out/excuse.

    If a person wants to make progress in a polygamous marriage, the person can’t be negative and make excuses. The person may start off that way, but if she stays that way she will be stuck in negativity and suffer. No good comes from being negative. If a woman continue to say that men are unjust in polygamy; polygamy is bad for this, that or another reason and thinks things are going to get better for her, she’s sadly mistaken.

    If a husband is unjust, what is the wife going to do that she can do? If she use the avenues to resolve conflict that is mentioned in the Holy Quran, she’s doing something. If she simply just tell her husband that he is unjust and tell others that he is, what will it accomplish?

  • ummof4

    September 8, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Patience, I agree with Ana that all Muslims are not true believers (Mu’minoon). Allah in the Qur’aan makes that distinction, it’s not something that Ana made up. Allah describes the believers in the Qur’aan. I would never say that I am a true believer, that is why when I write, I always encourage myself and others to strive to be true believers. We know when we are Muslims, whether by birth or taking shahaadah. We will not know for certain if we are Mu’minoon or not until the Day of Judgement. Our words and actions do show where our emaan(faith ) is at any particular time. Emaan increases and decreases, sometimes within the same day.

    Sometimes my buddy Ana does come across as harsh; sometimes I do. However, this remains a safe place to vent and bring up concerns.

    When it comes to knowledge of Islaam, I often feel that many of the commentators on this blog do not have much knowledge, just some information. Information should inspire one to seek knowledge and ask Allah for wisdom to use that knowledge in the proper manner.

    May Allah grant all of us the status of Mu’minoon due to our obedience to Him.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    @Patience,

    I re-read all of my replies to you. Based on what you said, one would think I did nothing but call commentators “unbelievers”. From what I read, unless I overlooked something I wrote, with regard to unbelief, the only thing I said was: “There were times that I complained and bellyached about things. My faith was weak. I see where I was acting as an unbeliever. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides you. Allah will relieve a persons adversity, pain and suffering when He wills. There is a reason for all that Allah does. If a husband is unjust, a believing woman will do what she can based on the Quran and she will leave the rest to Allah.”

    I did not say anyone in particular was an unbeliever. Allah speaks of unbelievers and believer all the time in the Holy Quran. I won’t stop speaking of an unbeliever just because someone’s feeling may get hurt. You know the saying, if the shoe fits, wear it. Probably all Muslims get upset and angry when they think they’re being called an unbeliever. Again I didn’t call anyone an unbeliever. I merely spoke of them.

    In one of the posts, I said that Allah has made some polygamous husbands unbelievers and unbelievers can’t do any good. It’s what Allah says. So a woman whose husband is being unjust, may be an unbeliever and she is expecting more from him than he can give. Again it requires KNOWLEDGE of the religion – Islam – to know such a thing and how to handle that type of situation or any situation for that matter.

  • anabellah

    September 8, 2015

    Patience,

    I speak of unbelief based on what Allah says in the Quran. I’m sure some people don’t like it when it appears it applies to them. I can’t help that.

  • Patience

    September 8, 2015

    Just because someone casts a critical eye on a situation does not mean they are non-believers. sometimes you insult by implying they are non-believers just because they complain about something. I can complain about my hijab making me feel hot on a summers day but that doesn’t mean I am now an non-believer.
    I don’t bellyache about the rights and wrongs of polygamy it is about having a discussion on the different experiences of it. No one has the same experience as you, your way of thinking and feeling is not necessarily everyone elses. There is no harm in allowing someone to let off steam just as you let someone rejoice as long as no one is defaming ALLAH and the PROPHET (pbuh).

    You misinterpret me, being just and fair is not about getting what you want it about getting the SAME as the co-wife. If she gets one holiday a year, you should. if she gets an allowance, you should if he takes her and his children to the cinema or meal then he should do the same for you or an alternative if you prefer. If he is giving nothing to both his wives then he is BEING JUST as they are both getting the same.

    I did experience lots of injustice which led to my heartache so I left the marriage and we divorced something we never anticipated. Many months down the line he realized the errors of his ways and set about making amends. He struggled with the whole situation. if I was to return I just wanted him to be just and fair with me and the children. We reconciled and my husband changed his ways Hamdilah. Things have imporved there is more equality but we have to work at it and deal with co-wife whos now disgruntled with the way things have turned out. I am sharing parts of my story to help others understand where my viewpoints are coming from .

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    Allah says He tests people by way of others. Perhaps when a wife has a husband and there is a REAL injustice, Allah is testing the wife and/or the husband. Maybe Allah is punishing one or both for something they’ve done in their lives. Maybe they don’t worship and serve Allah. How will she handle it, if it is a test? What will she do? Maybe Allah has made the husband unjust because the husband is an unbeliever. Unbelievers can’t do any good. Not all husbands are believers. So, what do a wife do? Do she cry all day and night about how unjust the man is? What does Allah say to do? If she calls on Allah, and she’s doing all that He tells her to do, he will relieve her pain and suffering. He may remove her from the marriage. The husband may want in his heart to serve Allah and eventually Allah changes things and make him a better person. The woman may continue to live in the marriage with the injustices and not care any longer. She still will be happy and have joy in her life.

    Allah says after hardship there is relief. After hardship there is ease. He says He disposes of the Believers affairs towards comfort and ease. Do you believe what Allah says? It’s what belief is about.

    Non-Muslim sit around all day and night theorizing about polygamy, how unjust it is and how women are suffering and the kids are suffering. Muslims are doing the same thing as those non-Muslim. One wouldn’t be able to tell one from another besides the clothes they wear that deceive people. Muslims who are the same as non-Muslims will never find any peace in their lives. One is either a believer or a non-believer.

    The problem is very few want to talk Islam because they don’t know Islam. They rather just speculate, guess and talks about their likes and dislikes, their wants and needs.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    Patience,

    With the children, it’s not a matter of hiding from the children what is happening is. It’s a matter of educating them about their religion when they are old enough to understand. The child needs to be told that daddy has another wife. It’s okay. It’s a good thing. It’s beautiful. What Muslim parent is giving their child that? Before the child goes to school, teach the children that it is okay to be different. It is better to be different sometimes. Different is better. Of course, if the parent is hating on polygamy and thinks she is being left to handle herself and the children alone, then the children won’t like their dad or their life the same as the mother doesn’t.

    I don’t know Ummof4 up close and personal. I only know her from this blog. I get a sense that Ummof4 didn’t do well in her polygamous marriage because she had a just husband. Her husband isn’t perfect and neither is any husband. He had his issues as well, I’m sure. What made the difference is Ummof4 appears to be the type of woman who didn’t sit around all day and night talking about the injustices and her wants and needs. She appear to be the type of woman that wanted to work with her husband and make the best of their lives and their marriage. She seem to me to be a team player. She knows Allah allows polygamy for men and she didn’t stand in his way to do what he felt a need, wanted and had a right to do. She taught her children that polygamy is a part of our way of life – Islam. She’s not a selfish, me, me, me type person. A man shouldn’t be made to feel he is a bad, uncaring selfish bastard because he wants to do something that Allah says he may do.

    Women don’t understand that Allah is a JUST GOD. We get exactly what we deserve. Allah says it. I don’t make this thing up. There are tests, trials and punishments. Muslim/believers learn their Islam, so they know what is happening in their lives and how to live and what to do.

  • anabellah

    September 7, 2015

    Patience,

    I say knowledge of Islam has a lot to do with the hurt and pain that a woman has because it gives her understanding. A woman and man need to know what life is all about from an Islamic perspective in order for her to have a peaceful life and contentment on this planet.

    Some of these women have no idea what injustices are. Some of what they complain of are not injustices. It’s them not getting their desires and wants fulfilled. There was on sister-in-faith who came here and said before her husband marries another, she wants him to fulfill her emotionally, psychologically, physically and financially. A man is not “Superman”. He doesn’t have to do all that she said he must. Then every time we turned around she had a new set of reasons why she didn’t want her husband to marry. It was all because of her needs. Many women take on a right that Allah did not give her and start making demands of her husband and gives him restrictions. Allah never gave women the right. They try to put obstacles in the man’s way to prevent him from marrying.

    Knowledge that the man will have a favorite wife and it’s okay is important. Some women don’t know that Allah says the man will love a woman more than another (which will become apparent to the less love wife). As long as the husband, doesn’t leave the woman feeling that she doesn’t have one or won’t live like a husband to her and not give her a divorce. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

    Even if there are injustices, Allah has given us means to address them. The woman needs the knowledge that is in the Quran as to how to address problems, whether it’s with a schedule, finances, or times – whatever. As I said, some women don’t know what an injustice entails. It requires KNOWLEDGE. One sister-in-faith here said her husband was unjust because he didn’t come see his children EVERY SINGLE NIGHT before they went to bed. It was not an injustice to her. He could see his children anytime. Who says that man had to see his children when she said see them? Divorced parents don’t see their children every night unless they have primary custody of the child. Single mothers’ children don’t see their dad every night. A polygamous father doesn’t have to see his children every night. She was upset because her husband married a young in her early twenties (who was apparently his favorite) and he wanted to be up under her every waking minute. Women don’t understand they can’t make a man love and want her.

    How many women know about the means available for them to settle their differences? It requires knowledge of what is in the Quran. There is a mediation process available. He could take an “Oath of Abstention” and separate from her – no sex -. At the end of the period, they decide to stay together or divorce. Then there is straight up divorce. If the woman see’s all these injustices that she is unwilling to accept DIVORCE THEN. If she makes these excuses that she can’t leave because of the children and money etc. Then she need to stop complaining and deal the situation. She’s got family, friends or a shelter she can go to, if her needs aren’t being met. If she can’t leave and must, what does Allah say in the Holy Quran? It requires KNOWLEDGE. He says He hears the complaint of the woman who calls on Him regarding her husband. He said He hears both sides. He will take care of the matter. All of what I just wrote requires knowledge. Yet, all most women who are malcontents because they don’t like polygamy or their husband isn’t doing what they want can do is cry – HE’S UNJUST- HE’S NOT GIVING ME MY RIGHTS. Then do something about it. Do what Allah says in the Holy Quran. Educate yourself about what it is.

    I can go on and on. What it amounts to is KNOWLEDGE. Know your Islam.

    Allah talks about tests and trials. The women who complain all the time about what they think is unjust probably know nothing about tests and trials. Things aren’t going to go the way we want all the time. When it happens. Is it a test or trial. You call it challenges in polygamous marriages. You tell me – when is it a trial or a test?

    Do the women know that the anxiety and depression that they experience is because of their lack of belief in Allah? If they read the Quran and Allah gives them knowledge they would know it. Again, Knowledge of Islam (Allah) is needed.

    I could go on and on and on. Women want to sit here and bellyache all day and night about injustices and how easy the men have it in polygamous marriages and blah, blah, blah. Learn your religion. A believer wouldn’t be sitting around complaining about all she doesn’t like about polygamy. She do what she needs to do. Use the methods that Allah has given you to resolve issues. Exercise the patience, perseverance and pray that Allah tells us to. He tells us what to do, when and how. But, it’s easier for a woman to complain about her condition than to learn her religion and live it.

    I could go on and on. I wrote this in a hurry. Get over the injustices, do what you need to do or divorce. I’ve use remedies that Allah has given me. There were times that I complained and bellyached about things. My faith was weak. I see where I was acting as an unbeliever. Allah says exercise patience in all that betides you. Allah will relieve a persons adversity, pain and suffering when He wills. There is a reason for all that Allah does. If a husband is unjust, a believing woman will do what she can based on the Quran and she will leave the rest to Allah.

  • Patience

    September 7, 2015

    I don’t think it lack of knowledge that hurts women at all ana
    When anyone is afflicted with some form upheaval or distress in their life it will impact them and the people around them regardless of intention to keep it hidden. For example if afflicted with an illness u may try your hardest to hide it from your children or pretend it isn’t serious, but kids are sensitive they will see right through it. Same with polygamy, they sense there are issues they feel the atmosphere change even if you make out everything is fine. I firmly believe the main obstacle in any polygamous marriage is the husband being unjust in his treatment, time and expenditure on his wives and particularly his children. It is this inequality that is the root of most problems and it is this that will test a womans patience and this will cause the hurt not lack of knowledge or faith. That is why following a schedule with no children on either side can work successfully for some as there are less demands on the husband, any mother will know children are expensive and demanding but if you take that out of the equation a man has half the stress. Ummof4 is lucky hamdilah that her marriage has proven successful but I do think having a JUST husband who is in control of his household has contributed to this. If a husband is just in all aspects (apart from his inner love) then wives will have less animosity. But what we see in many cases is manipulating wives and weak husbands who fall into the trap of being unjust even if unintentional. That is why polygamy is a challenge and comes with conditions on its practice. Initially many men only see the desire for another extra wife and children managing them is not at the forefront of their mind. As for living as one big family or as two separate families both have challenges. as well as jealousy between wives there jealousy between half siblings too so it might be better to keep them apart.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2015

    Gail,

    I, the same as you, think Mari2 is wasting her time and breath talking to her husband, trying to get him to effect change and go against culture.It goes in one ear and out the other.

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2015

    Yes, Ruqayyah,

    It would be nice if there was peace on earth and good will towards men.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 4, 2015

    You’re clearly not understanding me, but it doesn’t matter because I know my intention is not to control her or whatever. I would want a situation similar to Ummof4’s whereby you can have a peaceful existance be you friends or not, and be there for one another when there is a need. I don’t rely on my husband day to day anyways so no I don’t expect things to change, he’s there for me when I need him and I’m there for him when he needs me but we have a life. We work, study, have friends and hobbies. Yes I expect him to be there for me when there is a need jsut as I expect him to be there for another wife when there is a need.
    It would not be fair to friends to expect them to step in and drop their lives to take care of my kids as I need the hospital for instance, yes they would do it in a heartbeat but I have a husband.. as Gail said what is the point if the co wife is not willing to be there for you when you need her and vice versa. Where is the islam in that? Where is the compassion and helping one another?

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2015

    I don’t think any woman makes it her intention to be an enemy to the woman who is married to the same man that she is married to. She doesn’t consciously say she will dislike the woman and be her enemy. It is simply something that occurs. The women are jealous, envious, hateful, etc. They don’t want to share a husband.

    It’s not the way they were raised. Nothing in life prepares a woman to share a husband. The bedtime Cinderella stories and such didn’t prepare her. None of the movies or television shows that they watch prepares them. With the exception of a few such as Ummof4’s children (who were raised in polygyny), the children had monogamous parents. The children friend’s all had monogamous parents. Most societies don’t recognize polygamy and won’t legalize it. There is no reason that the average woman in 2015 would willingly accept polygamy.

    The only reasons a woman will accept polygamy is:

    1) She doesn’t want to lose her husband (she only tolerates polygamy, not accept it in her heart, soul and mind).

    2) She fears and loves Allah, and wants to accept the entire Quran, so she has a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise – not many fall in this category.

    Anyone who is not a believer has a “diseased heart”. It’s a heart full of base, low emotions and selfishness. I don’t make this stuff up. It is in the Holy Quran. In the Holy Quran, Allah speaks of a “Diseased Heart” that people have. It’s why wives are enemies to one another.

    Ruqayyah,

    I’m a bit surprise and don’t understand how you of all people are saying you don’t understand how women who share the same man could be enemies after all the changes you’ve been through and are still going through with your husband wanting to have another wife, then having one and divorcing her and wanting another. You said you want your husband with you all the time and won’t rely on any friends or family for help. You want him there for you to take care of you and all your needs. So, how do you seriously think you could in reality deal with a co-wive if she refuses to live together that you say you now advocate? Just yesterday you were talking how you need your husband so much and now today you want to share him and live with another woman with him. Forgive me for saying it, but it sounds like you’re on some type of narcotic.

    What’s so frustrating to me is just about no one cares about Allah and what he says in the Holy Quran. The only thing most of the women on this blog care about is how to get their husbands to love them more than the other woman; how to get their husbands to make her his favorite wife; how to get more than the other wife; how to get all her needs met etc. etc. etc. It’s all about this world’s life and worldly things. Very few people care anything about Allah. I really see what Allah means when He speaks of the deaf, dumb and blind. All that is written on the blog, barely anyone hears a thing.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 4, 2015

    Living together is not the only way to help one another out. She can have her own house infact I’d much prefer that but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to step up and help out where possible and hope she’d do the same. If she doesn’t whatever I still accept polygamy I just don’t understand why women need to act like we’re enemies because we are married to the same man

  • anabellah

    September 4, 2015

    @Gail,

    The reason I’m firm in my position that wives should not all live together with their husband is becuz nothing I’ve read any where since I’ve been Muslim indicates that it’s something to be done or an option. It wasn’t the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), nor of any other Prophet of Allah’s. I think the wives each having their own dwelling is a protection from many ills. Islam stresses modesty purity and privacy. I think wives living together is an innovation. Furthermore, I think women who want to do it that way – live together – have got some control issues or are freaky deeky with some perversion going on.

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Mari2,

    I hope everything is going well with u I think of u often these days.Your MIL sounds like a real winner.hahaha What a nasty woman she is.Listen I learned real quick don’t bother giving advises because idiots don’t want to here rational advise understand?It is better in my opinion u don’t bother giving advice because they r not going to listen.You are just wasting your breath and beating your head for know reason.I learned not to get involved.U can’t change someone who is that stupid! LOL

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Ruqayahh,

    I think your heart is in the right place but your head will say kill them both.hahahahah Your husband might want polygamy but I don’t think u r wanting to deal it and that is fine.I sure don’t blame u as it is not easy.

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    Ana,

    I agree with u 100% it is sure easier said than done.WHen u live together it is like thinking of a million ways to kill the other.hahahhaah
    It sounds easy bit for certain it is the hardest thing to do I will not lie.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 3, 2015

    I did say that it would be easier but I don’t hope that… I’ll accept whatever comes to be honest. Yes it was painful finding out but I was upset for her too. I csnt imagine the pain of sleeping with a man only to have him get up get dressed and go home. I’ve fought with him more about his treatment of her than I have about anything else. I’ve grown a lot in the last few months and yes while it would he easier on me to have it secret I know its not easy on her so I gotta put my big girl pants on and face it. I don’t treat anyone like an enemy so why should it be different with a new wife?

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It all sounds good, but it’s coming from someone who just recently said she doesn’t want to know when her husband marries another because she doesn’t want to know about their wedding day and night together. You were hoping she’d give up some nights, so that you could adjust. It’s coming from someone who is still a bit upset that her husband hid his marriage so she (you) wouldn’t be upset. He only let you know about it when it was time to divorce. He didn’t give the woman her nights. Anyone can sit there and day dream in their heads, but until it happens, it’s all it is – fantasy. A person’s actions must match up with what’s coming out the person’s mouth. You’re talkin this honkey dory, lovie, lovie stuff. huh…

  • Ruqayyah

    September 3, 2015

    I guess thats where every marriage differs I tell my husband everything except the really gross stuff like constipation etc. The rest he suffers alongside me hahaha and he is really interested to know whats happening he doesn’t get grossed out when I tell him whats happening. I wont change telling him things when he has another but I’ll be mindful that she deserves her time too. Its up to him to juggle it and let either wife know if he thinks they should be a bit more independant. I already feel I am much more independent then I used to be in day to day things…
    Gail I agree with you. I expect my husbandand co to be my support and vice versa. I couldnt imagine having a co and not wanting to be the 1st there to support her. People get it twisted acting like the co is the enemy from day 1. Nope. Especially if he marries a good woman she wont be my enemy and IF I dislike her well I’d hope I’d still be grown up enough to help her in an emergency. Every day dramas if one of us is that dependant why not live close by and help each other? But if she is trying delibrately to ruin our time thats different and I’d expect himto put a stop to it. After all I rush to help my friends and my family when they need it why should my co wife be any different just because shes married to my husband? Now if she want her own home cool, if she wants to try living together well we’ll have to see. But kids are innocent and only good can come from them having more good adults in their lives who care for them

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    @Gail,

    I think one is asking a lot for the wives and children to all be one big happy family when the wives never wanted to be in a polygamous marriage to begin with. The husband exercised a right given to him by God to engage in polygamy. He’d be wise to have his wives living near each other to make it easier on himself to be there for them and the children.

    When wives never wanted the type of marriage, it’s good that they could simply be cordial to each other and not at each others throats. The only way wives would be true friends is if they have a love and fear of God, and want to do good with Allah in mind. It’s the only way. Most wives are all about, herself (me, me, me, me, me, what I want and how I want it).

    Some women want to live with the co-wives so they could be all up in the husbands and the co-wives’ business. Most women want their own home and privacy with their husbands, without some other woman in there eyeballing them all the time or with her ears against their door listening to something that is none of her business. I’m skeptical when the woman says she wants them to live together with the other wife. It’s not out of any love for her, or wanting to do the right thing Islamically.

    There is a reason women have their own homes and they aren’t all together as one. I see that it keeps down jealousy, envy, hatred, spying, sexual deviations, etc. There is always one woman who is going to want to lord over another and be boss. You, yourself said you’d be in charge, if it came to you and your ex-co living together. You’d be boss lady and we all know it. Most people want their own. A woman wants to be queen of her castle.

    About the open door policy. How would it work? I know I don’t want someone rolling up in my crib any ole time the person feels like it.

    Those are just my thoughts on the matter.

  • ummof4

    September 3, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    I had 2 children and 2 miscarriages years ago when my husband was polygynous. My husband would leave his other home if it was truly an emergency concerning the pregnancy. Once when I was due, I had 2 false alarms, dropping the children off to a friend, rushing to the hospital, omly to be told to go back home. Of course, both happened late at night when he was with his other wife. He did accompany me for all of my births because I had C-sections and he wanted to make sure we had the correct baby and they didn’t leave any scissors or rags in me.(Yes, he has a warped mind at times, but I still love him, LOL).

    When my children had medical emergencies that meant they had to go to the hospital, my husband usually took them unless he was at work; only because it was easier for him and one child to go than me and 4 children to go.

    As was stated, every family is different. It depends on the roles that are assumed in the marriage, usually from the beginning. However, when a husband marries another wife, the roles change somewhat. But I agree, my husband always tells me that men don’t particularly like needy women-they are annoying. Particularly if the man is one who is actively involved in the community at large, and not just with his immediate family.

    As I often say to the ladies on this blog, “Get a life!” Don’t spend all of your days and nights worrying about your husband, what he is doing, and whom he is doing it with.

    Alhamdulillah, Allah is continuing to bless us. Count your blessings daily and praise and thank Allah.

  • Gail

    September 3, 2015

    I would like to chime in here.I believe a wife has the rights to her husband whenever she wants.I find all this silly to be frank.What is the use of Polygamy if there is not any family unity.Why would a wife need to go stay with her family?Her husband and cowife are suppose to be her family.Honestly their is no Religious belief in cowifes being nasty with each other.
    Don’t get me wrong everyone has rights to live their life the way they want but I am a firm believer after going through polygamy myself that unless the wives can work together and have compassion for each other esp during pregnancy then what is the use of polygamy? Polygamy is not just about the man.We r talking about a large family unit here with kids involved in most cases.My excowife was pregnant when my husband and I married with my daughter and she went through that pregnancy alone.Later on she told me she suffered through it.A wife needs her husband when she is pregnant and I agree with her.I don’t believe it is a G.DLY principle to be so nasty all the time to someone so close to u.
    I also hold the opinion that I did not get pregnant on my own and I made my husband go through labor and birth and all doctor apts with me.Of course I am going through a divorce now.lol
    Seriously though If u do not have children then it is fine to live a separate if u desire and I see it working out however when both wives have children that is an entire cart of apples.Either the wives need to live together or live within walking distance to each others homes so that they as a family can deal with these kinds of issues.There should also be an open door policy for both homes for the entire family.Jealousy,fighting,anger,etc… is always going to be there but there should be rules in place like open door policy to all homes for everyone.
    I honestly believe that it is better if u r pissed off at a cowife or jealous to go to her and flat tell her how u feel and get it off your chest.An open door policy would allow that between wives and husband without feeling threatened.
    I am the type of person I believe in saying what u think and if u can’t say what u think then stop thinking it.

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    True that!

  • Marie

    September 3, 2015

    A man’s excuse for not helping shouldn’t solely be because he is with another wife. I know we use the terms ‘my time or her time’ time doesn’t belong to anyone but Allah and he will distribute it how He wills. A wife can ask her husband or anyone else for help whenever, day or night. It doesn’t mean Allah will give her. She needs to accept and appreciate what she does get and carry on. An old saying is ‘you get what your given’

  • Marie

    September 3, 2015

    I’m not saying a woman’s friends and family feel she is an inconvenience or that the husband should be doing what they are doing. Whatever the family or friends used to or normally help with they would continue to do so and whatever the husband would normally help with he should continue to do so. More times a first wife will convince herself that her husband used to do all these things and there were never any problems or times he couldn’t help. I suppose it’s just judging the situation. If he got another wife and now he has too much on his plate and is stressed because of it, then that is his own problem. If he’s still helping when he can but sometimes s*it happens then there is no problem. Either way all women involved should just carry on about there business with or without him. I suppose I’m saying she should have to always rely on others, but if she has to then that’s just the way it is.

  • Marie

    September 3, 2015

    In my early days of polygamy I made damm sure I wasn’t going call my husband- for anything. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction that she was getting to me. It’s music to a wife’s ears when she knows the other wife is hurting. I know it upset my husband that I wouldn’t call him when I needed to. It made him come over and call me more. It hurts a wife even more when she knows the husband goes to the other because he wants to, because he cares and only goes to her because he has to or because she’s moaning. He doesn’t look forward to a problematic wife’s calls or going home to her, she just becomes a nuisance, like how fatimas x co was. What joy can one get from being a pain in the butt. None, one becomes there own pain in butt.

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    I’d like to know what some of the things are that a husband should do that a wife shouldn’t ask her family or friends to do or help her with. Please enlighten me. What kind of FRIENDS or FAMILY does the person have that it’s an inconvenience or burden to ask for their help? As I’ve stated, my families, both biological and non are always there for me under any condition or circumstance. Not for a minute do I get that they think my husband should have done something and it’s not their job or responsibility. They are glad to help. I guess it all depends on what type of family and friends a person has. Since I haven’t ever encountered such problem, I’m ignorant to it; I suppose.

  • anabellah

    September 3, 2015

    Probably quite a bit of the time it is an EXCUSE rather than an emergency. I think Fatimah called it when she said a woman, most of the time, can sense when a woman has a real emergency and when she’s got some shenanigan going to jerk the other wife around by using the husband. As Fatimah stated, much of the time when the husband is with the other wife, she’s calls with some type of problem or need. The one who calls is very much aware of what she’s doing.

    In the beginning of a polygamous marriage, a woman may have a tendency to cause problems for her husband and the other wife, as she totally dislikes her life. It’s understandable. The longer she remains at that place, the worse it is on her. She is very unhappy at the time and no good can come from any of the tricks or evil deeds she does. Many women in the beginning want the husband to feel burdened and overwhelmed, so they put pressure on him with demands, complaints, and things for him to do. The men get stressed out when their wives are at each others throats and each one tries to get what they think is their due. It’s really quite ugly.

    I don’t think it’s good to say a husband should do this or do that in any given situation, as the people are setting themselves up to be gods. Allah says He tests people by way of others. It’s all mere speculation. Some women are more independent, take charge individuals and at a good place in their polygamous marriage where they won’t feel a need to bother the husband when he is with his other wife. She takes it upon herself to do what needs to be done, knowing Allah will be well pleased with her. A wife should help her husband and want to ease his stress and burden, not add to it. She should want to do good deeds not evil ones, expecting her blessings and rewards to come from Allah.

    I agree with you Marie that the husband may divorce the wife who is so needy, demanding and causes problems and the wife may divorce to, if she feels her needs aren’t being met. Some women think they are more important than another wife, probably because she married first and she thinks she is priority. She then begins trying to exert authority and becomes annoying and aggravating to the husband and the other wife.

  • Marie

    September 3, 2015

    Lol, I can’t imagine any wife wanting to tell her husband about her discharge other than to find excuses to get his attention. I keep all the gross happenings to myself and the midwife/doctor. What husband wants to hear about discharge, bleeding, constipation, hemorrhoids leaking breast. Oh my, those men must be absolutely mortified.
    The one time my husband ended up in the room with me and the midwife, as she was asking questions I could see he wanted to leave as quick as possible, I asked him to get me some water so he could go. He’s never left a room so fast lol. Needless to say he never accompanied me into an appointment again. He waits outside.

    I do agree with ruquyyah, that a woman shouldn’t have to rely on friends and family for something that her husband would NORMALLY do. But a woman needs to ask herself if he (the husband) can actually help. Does a husband know what is normal discharge, does he know the signs of labour, ect. Probably not, so what’s the use in letting him know. Unless you need him to take care of other matters (children, transport ect).

    If a wife is needy and has to have her husband with her for every matter and the husband and co wives do not like it, they can ask for divorce or he could divorce her. If she doesn’t like that her husband wont/can’t be at her every beck and call she can ask for a divorce. Women need to stop trying to out do/ out last the other women. If a woman is happy and content in her marriage she will have a lot less emergencys. Because there not really emergencys there excuses.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 2, 2015

    No I don’t think it is okay to have her time disrupted daily, I meant obviously the recommendations for the hospital are so varied it makes sense for a woman who has never been pregnant before to freak out when the doctors are telling her watch out for discharge and she doesn’t know if it is normal or not. It is normal and of course a wife who has been pregnant before will know that, its up to the husband to communicate to the wife who is calling often that she is okay and let her know when it is and isn’t okay to call him.
    And if the wife fears Allah she will think before calling him, monitor her own actions and decide if she needs to call him or not. If it is an emergency or something is going on then she needn’t fear calling him, even if its to ask a question. But if she recognises that she calls often and it would be disruptive then she should modify her behaviour in order for the other wife to have some peace.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    You said, “for a first pregnancy you think everything is a big deal especially when you get told to come in of you experience any discharge or pain, which happens literally every day you are pregnant for some women.” So, you really think it is okay for another wife to have her time disrupted if, for instance, the other wife complains daily about discharge and pain and WANTS her husband there with her? You really think it’s okay?

    Maybe she needs to go stay with a family member or hire someone to be there with her on her husband’s off days with her then. What would she do if he divorces her? She’d find a way to cope then, wouldn’t she, or would she just lay down and die?

  • Ruqayyah

    September 2, 2015

    I guess everyones family is different which is why things can get messy in polygamy. I want my husband there when I give birth so what if he gets another wife who doesn’t view it as important.. she may not understand why I am preferring to have him over my mother or family. This is where I guess the man has to communicate and the wives should be understanding. Just because our marriage with him is this way doesn’t mean her marriage and life with him is an exact copy

  • Ruqayyah

    September 2, 2015

    Ana my point was not to say there was something wrong with my situation but rather when 1 wife thinks the other is being a drama queen the other may think she has a legitimate emergency. I know some women are drama queens and don’t give two hoots about the other wife’s time. Here you need insurance to get assistance if your car breaks down or it can be quite expensive so most people call their husbands or friends. I had a friend who was a co wife who would call her husband when her car broke down but would cry the co wife was being unreasonable to call him when her car broke down. There are double standards or clear disrespect for the time. I’ve had other friends marry married men and complain that his sick child is cutting into her time, and no I dont mean the kid had a cold ai mean he was seriously ill in hospital. Sometimes the other wife does not understand what is happening in the family or other wife’s head as she is separate to them. I just wanted to give Fatima and example of why maybe in her co wifes mind it wasn’t unreasonable (who knows maybe she knew what she was doing and wanted to as well its a very big possibility as well) for a first pregnancy you think everything is a big deal especially when you get told to come in of you experience any discharge or pain, which happens literally every day you are pregnant for some women. It can be easy for the wife who hss to be patient while her husband tends to an emergency to paint the other one as selfish and a drama queen if she feels like she doesn’t want to be patient while her husband cares for his other family when they need it… or it could very well be that the other wife is disrespectful.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    @ummo f4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I enjoyed reading about how you helped your daughters. How beautiful!

    I think you were spot on about the man not being the head of the household when he lets the wife dictate his movements and action. The wife who controls the husband, controls the other wife as well, when it happens.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    Marie,

    Now that’s what I’m talking about – a strong, take charge, do what she has to do woman. The women who sit around talking about they want their husband to do this, that and the other, when and how they want it done, are the ones that will have the problems.

    I think it was cute how you caught the cab and he said he will call you in the morning. You had no objection to it. You submitted your will to Allah’s willl. I’m sure you was at peace with yourself content and felt good. You go girl!

  • Marie

    September 2, 2015

    Asalaamu Alaykum all,

    Ummof4, how lovely that your daughters wanted you there with them when they had their babies. They’ve got the right idea, men are pretty useless at those kind of time. My hubz is used to it now, so he stays calm and collected and of course out of my way lol.

    Personally, I’ll call my husband anytime I need or want to. I have only called him once (for a pregnancy related emergency) since he became polygamous. And that was only to have the kids while I went to the hospital. I text him once we knew everything was OK and ASKED if he was picking me up or should I catch a taxi. He said catch a taxi and he’ll call me in the morning.

    The point of telling that story was, I will ask my husband to help me whenever Allah wills for me to do so. Day, night, my time or hers. If he comes Marsh’Allah if he doesn’t Marsh’Allah. It’s no biggy. I’ll deal with it, with or without him. I hope my co feels like she can do the same. Their has been a few (or a lot) of emergencys, he decides if he’s going to her or not. I never ask for time to be made up or anything like that.

  • Fatimah

    September 2, 2015

    Wow, these are some serious posts. Allah swt matters the most but yet we make ourselves matter the most. I am reading this blog and a different blog (marrying foreign men or something like that ) and my heart is going thru some real guilt in regards to where i place my Allah. The rocketfire all that atitude, all of it is eye opening. Im so happy Allah swt had me come across what i have read so far. I know its bc HE loves me enough to want me to see my mistakes and correct them. This just ISNT about me, him (the husband) or her. Its about putting that focus,love, adoration, praise and worship where it trully belongs.
    Yes my co was being herself and making stuff up. She called the entire time and she left. She could not handle my husband still loving me despite her tricks and gsmes that he mostof the time fell for. Whats crazyis she was a first wife atone time and hated it. I never respected that she put me thru so much when she felt the pain once before. She was the second,she was the person she hated to havein her life. Her own worse nightmare. Yea so she divorced herself and found someone else (who married a second wife LMAO) And he left her. Karma…..

    No one is saying an emergency cant be acknowledged, but pretty much we can tell when a fast one is being pulled. A man should go to his wife when she is having a baby no mater who night it is. I sorry that is just cruel and the jealousy need to be checked. Im a first (again) and ido t think i would dream of doing that. I didnt when the ex had hers. Im the one who will send a text and keep it moving in the event of an emergency. It was his decision to come or. Ot depending on the severity. We need to be fair as well as the man in his dealings. We really have to want for our sister what we want for ourselves and thats just the bottom line. Its not easy but like someone said, put Allah swt in perspective, and all else will fall into place. Thats my goal. I dont agree w alot my husband does but after reading these posts, i know ineed to begsn to forget about myself, and maybe once i do, Allah will grant me sakina of my heart. I so need that bc no matter what goes on, if we have sakina, ts a breeze. Subhanullah wa Alhamdilillah. May Allah swt make this easy for me. My sisters, please make dua for me!!
    Personally i think the man needs to get a grip and stop being so blind and tzke the su glasses off.

  • ummof4

    September 2, 2015

    As-salaamu alaikum ans hello to all,

    As Ana has stated, if the husband doesn’t have enough sense to go to his wife in a real emergency, then he has issues that have nothing to do with polygyny. He probably wouldn’t go to help his wife even if he was monogamous. There are many women who call on their family and friends before they call on their husband, particularly in medical situations. As far as childbirth is concerned, I still know women who only rely on other women. This happens in the US and definitely happens in other countries where the husband has nothing at all to do with the childbirth process. There are even some countries, like Saudi Arabia, where you can’t even visit your spouse in the hospital, male or female. When both of my daughters had children, they relied on me more than their husbands. One daughter’s husband was content to eat cookies and watch TV while she was in labor and I held her hand. My daughter was fine with that. My other daughter had to get a cesarean section and I accompanied her into the operating room, not her husband. That was her desire.

    If a husband refuses to deal with the emergencies (medical or otherwise) of his wife, children, parents, siblings, friends, job, etc. because his wife says “It’s my time, you can’t talk to anyone else or leave me”, then he is not the head of his household, the wife is. I would call him something else, but I don’t use bad words, LOL.

    Everyone, remember to obey Allah as HE should be obeyed.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    I really just don’t get some people. Years ago I visited another polygamy blog in which there was a sister-in-faith who was saying she hopes she gives birth on her day, so her husband could be there. I think it’s ridiculous that a husband would think he could not go be with his wife at the time that she gives birth, simply because it isn’t that wife’s day. Some men are just not with it. It says a lot about the wife who knows the other is pregnant and when she’s due, but isn’t considerate of it. If she knows her husband is a dunce, she may not encourage him to go be with the other wife and take care of business, so she could sit back and laugh at the co. It goes without saying that a husband can be there at such a time or when there is a real emergency and not some made up, embellished bull crap. When need be, people do what they’ve got to do.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    Allah relates to us in the Holy Quran the story of Mary the mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) and the situation that she had when she was pregnant, and had to give birth alone. Does that story have any relevance to you or is it just a tale of the ancients?

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    I believe the same with anything in life, if the wife is close to Allah and puts her faith and trust in Him, He will see her through ANY situation. He won’t just leave her out there alone by herself, having to fend for self. The problem is most people don’t care about Allah. They don’t know His attributes and they don’t rely on Him. They rely on themselves and others. If they get stuck out there alone and with no help, they need to look within, as to why. Allah only remember those who remember HIM. Polygamy is not the big deal people make it. The problem is with the people and their lower self and desires.

    Ruqayyah, you said you had some major situations with miscarriages and you called your husband. He came and help you with the matter, right? So, what’s the problem?

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    I know of a factual situation is which one wife’s son got hit by a car. The injury was not life threatening. She took the kid to the hospital and dealt the situation without contacting the husband. He asked why she didn’t call him. Some women are just more strong, mature and capable than others. Some women just don’t like polygamy and would go to any length to make the husband and the other wife’s lives Hell.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    I’ m sure if there is a REAL emergency, the husband would get there, if he can. It’s pretty much common sense.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 2, 2015

    Yes some women are like that, others are genuine when they call him for an emergency. There is a difference. I wont stop calling him in an emergency but I’d expect for him to put me in my place if I was abusing her time. There’s a huge difference and as with everything needs a balance.

  • anabellah

    September 2, 2015

    It makes sense when a woman realizes and accepts that the man is married to someone else besides her. It makes sense when a woman isn’t a selfish itch and doesn’t expect her husband to be at her beckon call. Some women can be a pain in the @$$ helpless nightmare and everything and anything is an emergency in her eyes just as Fatimah said.

  • Ruqayyah

    September 2, 2015

    How does it make sense that in an emergency a woman would have to bother her family and friends instead of the man she is married to? Fair enough every day things you need to do yourself as the other wife has her rights too but the man is not off limits just because he has another wife in an emergency.

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    I forgot to mention about your ex- co, I understand that polygamy is brand, spanking new to women and most never wanted to live that type of lifestyle. Some initially act out terribly and agitate the other wives. Insha Allah, they move through the stage quickly, get a grip, snap out of it and cope better. I can’t imagine any woman remaining in the stage very long, as it’s draining. It’s exhausting and it hurts the woman who causes the problems. She’s not happy with herself, let alone the polygamous marriage. A sensible woman would want to get herself together, as soon as possible, so she’d feel better.

  • anabellah

    September 1, 2015

    @Fatimah,

    You said the woman who used to make herself a pain in the @$$ is now your ex-co-wife. You didn’t say it was the reason she and your husband divorced. I’d assume it had something to do with it. He may have felt her to be too needy. Men like to be needed, but don’t like needy women.

    When a husband is polygamous, the wives have to learn to be more independent. It is not asking much. Years ago, when the husbands were off at war, what did the wives do withOUT the husband’s help? They managed. Maybe the wives lived very close to one another and helped one another. If the women of today can’t do it, then they need to establish some other support system. Saying she needs him there with her is not good enough. The other wife needs him there with her, as well.

    My biological family are not Muslim. Nonetheless, they are there for me and I am there for them, if an emergency occurs. If I need them for anything they are there for me. It doesn’t need to be an emergency. I call on my Islamic family before them, if I can. If the women don’t have any family, she doesn’t have any friends either? Maybe she needs to make some. Otherwise, she needs to learn how to figure things out. Life, limb or eyesight, are important. Anything else – handle it

  • Ruqayyah

    September 1, 2015

    @Fatimah, are you sure they were tricks used by your co wife? I’ve had a high risk pregnancy have rushed into hospital 3 times so far and admitted once and a few times have messaged my husband saying I was scared and in pain and might want to go hospital soon. None of them were me trying to trick him to get attention I’ve never been pregnant before and this is very scary at times and I do need his support and the 1 time I was debating about going in was the 1 time something was very wrong. I’d hope that another woman would understand rather than be upset with it… now if it were happening every other night it my be a different story, but no wife should have to think twice when she needs medical assistance and her husbands support.
    The vomiting and tucking kids into bed is a bit ridiculous if it’s that important to them they should live together so all 3 of them can tuck kiddos into bed ?

  • Fatimah

    September 1, 2015

    Im literally laughing out loud at some of the tricks of some ladies in trying to get the husband home. As bad as i may feel, I don’t think I could pull those tricks. It would make me feel low. My ex cowife used to repeatedly call my husband if she felt any kind of “contraction”. He took us both on trips separtly and when it was my turn, she was calling every second saying she was having some discharge, it was annoying. I never did that to her. I was the first wife but after the newness died, she drove us all nuts.
    Whenit comes to children, the dad just needs to spend the same amount of time w his children as he did when a co didnt exist. Make them feel loved and cared for, bring home treats. Kids areeasy to please, its us who arent. Now if he was spending a bunch of time w the other, neglecting his children, now we are talking he neds to make some adjustments. Wives come and go but children are forever, he wil regret it later in life. In polygamy or not. The vomit and tucking in the bed story is ridiculous. I have tons of friends in polygamy and their cowives are just like that. One wife was recording her husband talking to the second wife lkke she was busting them committing adultery. Im a first so i understand the pain, but thats just taking it out.

    Now i do have a friend who told me her kids told her when they were at the cowifes house the father laughed and joked around w the wife. One child said to thenext, abu doesnt make umi laugh. She said she didnt comment but it hurt deeply bc he is very quiet around her and ignores her alot. Personally i think their marriage needed repair and now he seems to be happy w someo else. Im sad that thechildren noticed it. Idk what they think of him. He barely texts and they barely talk which is strange bc she is such a fun and loving person, but idk. He got married about 7 months ago. Anyway, i dont know what to say about that one.

  • Ruqoyah

    August 30, 2015
  • Ruqayyah

    August 28, 2015

    I admit that I sometimes get down thinking he’ll be away and I’ll need to deal with things on my own… I told him fr that reason I’d like to live close and get along (but my mind is open of course because some sisters youu cannot live close to lol) his face.lit up when I said that. He said he cant deny he wants another wife but he was worried about the kids he hated doing nice things when he was a kid and 1 parent wasnt there. Of course his parents were divorced so it impacted him more as there were NEVER any family times. I would love to get along with the co wife and her kids if there is ever 1 again for the sake of the kids. It does no good for them to see their mum upset, it can turn them against their dad and also islam in some cases you see kids saying polygamy is wrong and bad because it hurt their mum. I hope I can put aside my emotions enough to be strong for my kiddos and not make them “choose” between me and their dad.
    I can see how you’d want your own space too and really I dont think kids get to dictate who comes to dinner.. tough luck kiddos lol sometimes we need a little balance

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    Marie,

    You’re correct. The hurt we’re speaking of in this post/thread is not the pain that a wife who has a polygamous husband has. I agree with you that that type of pain is the same for a woman whether she has children or not. Thank you for pointing it out. I changed the pic for the post/thread above to prevent any confusion.

    A lot of what people say about polygamy being hurtful to children is simply sensationalism. It’s not really a big deal. Some fathers are away from the children a lot, for extended period, when they work. Their professions require them to travel a lot and be away from home. It may not be easy for the mother to not see her husband as much and the children not to see their dad. It’s life.

    People do what they’ve got to do. This ideal fairy-tale version of life has got to go. This is the real world.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I totally agree with you that it is usually the mothers who turn their children away from the father. She is quick to say she doesn’t. Even if it’s not intentional, the children sense when their mother is unhappy and it’s upsetting to them. A woman who dislike being in a polygamous marriage will exhibit signs of discontentment that are noticeable to the children and effect them.

    From what I can recall, thinking back over the older posts from the older version of the blog, most of the complaints were about the wives having to shoulder all the responsibilities of caring for the home and children while the fathers were away. My question is how active and involved were the fathers to begin with when they were home? I have the vision of the husbands who kicks back on the couch with a brewski, and watch the game or something on TV LOL He’s oblivious to the wife and the children. Now, all of a sudden, in the woman’s eyes, he’s a real family man.

    Then there were the ones who came here complaining about the husband not being there when emergencies occurred, or EVERYTHING was an emergency (not!) lol. Maire, I don’t know if you were here when the one wife was complaining that the baby vomited all over herself and the mother. She called her husband to tell him that he need to leave the other wife and come home. Someone on the blog jumped all over me when I said, babies vomit. It’s what they do. Handle it LOL

    Marie, I’m sure you remember Aishah2014 whose major complaint was that her husband didn’t come home each night to tuck the children into bed and read them their bedtime story or whatever. I thought it ludicrous. The post I made below kind of speak to such a thing. Does divorced wives expect the father to come to her home every night for the sake of the children? Polygamous parents see the children more than divorced parents.

    There were people who came here complaining that the children of polygamous familes get bullied at school for having polygamous parents. They may see themselves as different from other children. My thing is if a parent teaches the children about their religion – Islam (which polygamy is a part of it), they would learn to be proud of their way of life, educated about it and strong individuals. Imagine what children of gay parents (some came out the closet) have to endure or the children of parent who had sex change operations.

    It is some of what I recall. I just think that people who are anti-polygamy for men will come up with all kinds of excuses to see polygamy as a bad thing. If they are Muslims, they don’t know the attributes of Allah. Allah doesn’t allow and authorizes evil. Polygamy is good.

  • Marie

    August 28, 2015

    just to add, that the proof that it is the mother that hurts the children (by turning them against the father and the religion)is when she enters a new relationship she teaches the kids to love and respect the step father. The children usually prefer the step father over their biological father. If they are able to accept the mothers new relationship then they was able to accept the fathers new relationship, unless their mother taught them not to.

  • Marie

    August 28, 2015

    I believe that a mother in a polygamous marriage doesn’t feel any more hurt than a woman without children. in fact having children can be bonus as you get to spend more alone time with them and your never alone (even if you want to be lol)and plus children bring joy to a household. polygamy doesn’t hurt children either, if the children are hurt and hate their father its because the mother has taught them that, she’s (in so many words and actions) told them that daddy’s a bad man, he hurt mommy and now we all must hurt. its a very cruel thing to do, I think a woman who does thing has a very dark heart.

    What I was referring to in my post to patience, is the regular annoyances that going along with BOTH wives having children. For example, what should be a simple meal out, turns into stress, the wife may want it to be the husband, her and the kids. but you cant exclude the children from the other wife, furthermore the kids want all their brothers and sisters to come, which means the other wife will want to come because she is part of the family too and her kids will want her to come. so this happens with every single event. so in the end it usually ends up with just the husband and the kids. if only one wife has children then none of the above happens. iv dealt with being married to a man who has children by another woman, its way more simple than when he’s married to the other woman. Then when all the kids are with one wife, the husband and wife cant be lovey and call each other by sweet names, the husband cannot show more affection to his favoured wife, if he doesn’t with the other wife in front of the other wives children. it wouldn’t be nice for a child to see that their father isn’t as nice to their mother as he is to their stepmother.

    There are many more situations that just become a pain in the @ss. It doesn’t bring any pain or hurt, its just annoying.
    its properly like how marie2 feels with her mil or gail and her husbands parents. sometimes you want them to just go away for bit.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    Interestingly, I was just reading the Quran and came across an ayah (verse) that relates to the current thread/posts. It is:

    “And We made the son of Mary and his mother as a sign: We gave them both shelter on high ground, affording rest and security and furnished with springs.”
    Quran: Surah 23, ayah 50.

    Allah says, And we made the son of Mary and his mother as a sign…” – a sign for us.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    It’s interesting that when it comes to polygamy, some people do make a major issue out of the children in it. Yet, in monogamous marriages, in the U.S, parents are dealing with the children issue all the time in divorces. Approximately 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. The parents got the visitation thing going on. Mothers are single moms, making it work everyday.

    Parents remarry and the wives have to deal with the husbands’ ex-wives, and the children from those marriages, scheduling events, vacations etc. with those children. It’s all manageable. When it comes to polygamy, some want to make it a big deal.

    Some say it’s polygamous marriages aren’t healthy for children. Yet, in the U.S. there are gays who adopt children and it’s no biggy. Look at the show on TV (yes, I know it’s TV) “Modern Family”. The two gay guys adopted a little Asian girl. It’s a true representation of what’s going on in the world today. The kids have two dads or two moms.

    My niece on my husband’s side of the family has a girlfriend who is a gay. The girlfriend’s partner has a teenage son. He’s got two mom’s. I was wondering how that’s working for him. I know these people well. My husband said, in 2015, many kids growing up now a day don’t think the gay/lesbian thing is an issue.

    In the U.S. we’ve got “blended families” thing going on – families in which divorced parents with kids come together with their kids from both sides – divorcees with their children. Children have to learn to life changes the same as adults.

    It’s amazing that when it comes to children being a product of a polygamous marriage, some people want to make it a huge ordeal. I think women or people who simply are against polygamy, make a huge stink about children being in it. The wives themselves don’t want to be in it, so, of course they make it a kids issue cuz kids get noticed.

  • anabellah

    August 28, 2015

    @Ruqayyah,

    It sounds the person whom you know who is in a polygamous marriage and the children go between the homes has a nice set up. One doesn’t hear of it often. It nice to hear.

    I think the kids issue probably does get blown out of proportion, especially when the mothers try to use the children to get what she wants. It happens even in monogamous marriages in divorces. Children get jerked around with visitation and stuff like that.

    A husband has no schedule when it comes to children. A husband should recognize when there is a true emergency and when a wife is simply just trying to manipulate him and jerk the co wife around. If every time the husband is with one wife, the other one is calling about little Joey, there may be a problem.

    The women who doesn’t want to acknowledge the husband’s children by another wife, simply set herself up to be continuously bitter and angry. It like the wife who doesn’t acknowledge that the husband has another wife, and tells herself that her husband is going away on a business trip every time he goes to his other wife. It’s denial and a psychological issue.

    I think in the initial stages of polygamy a wife who never wanted polygamy may go through changes that involves manipulation and game playing. Eventually, it is hoped the individuals pulled themselves together with the help and permission of Allah, see the errors of their ways, and straighten up and fly right.

    I could see how the children issue could get blown out of proportion, as you stated, especially when a wife thinks she’s has more pull and sway over a husband due to the children.

    Ummof4 is a prime example of having been in a polygamous marriage with small children, and managing well. She dealt it well, it seems without a whole lot of drama. She raised good, sound, healthy children who were raised on and off in polygyny. Her husband was sometime polygamous and sometimes not. Her children are all well adjusted, grown and living good lives. It’s all doable with the right mindset.

  • Ruqayyah

    August 27, 2015

    I kinda feel like marrying into a polygamous family or accepting your husband having another family you need to expect and be a bit lenient when it comes to kids. You would never say to your husband you can’t see your mum in an emergency, or if she is really missing him you would never say you can’t speak to her. Yet wives think its okay to do this in a polygamous family. Kids need their dads and sometimes it just doesn’t fit nicely into the schedule the wives should be flexible and understanding of the husband so long as he is trying to be fair and not favour the wife with kids. 1 woman I know the kids are free to go between houses, my ex co said how lovely it was that her ‘mothers’ got along and she had a very good relationship with them both. I don’t know I just think that the kids issue in polygamy is blown way out of proportion, some women don’t even want to acknowledge their husband has another child that did not come from them. Where does she think he goes? That being said polygamy does not hurt kids but rather the way the adults act can sometimes hurt the kids so as long as we are strong and their needs are met it ain’t gonna damage them that daddy has 2 wives